Threevisiting: Boats Come Into Your Life

Speaker 1 A

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Speaker 1 That's drinkag1.com slash threedom. It's morning in New York.

Speaker 1 Hey, everybody, I'm Mandy Potenkin. And I'm Catherine Grody.
And we have a new podcast. It's called Don't Listen to Us.
Many of you have asked for our advice. Tell me, what is wrong with you people?

Speaker 1 Don't listen to us. Our take it or leave it advice show is out every Wednesday, premiering October 15th, a Lemonada media original.

Speaker 1 Freedom!

Speaker 1 Freedom!

Speaker 1 Freedom!

Speaker 1 I was whispering. I was doing

Speaker 2 whatever I wanted, and I don't even remember.

Speaker 1 I was doing like a scary ghost whisper. Great.

Speaker 1 You mean you were whispering to a ghost and trying to get it to adjust its actions? Yeah, like, stop it.

Speaker 1 Stop haunting us.

Speaker 1 Quit scaring everybody.

Speaker 2 Can I ask you a question?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, please. Lauren.
Depends on who you are talking to. Yeah, because you looked away from both of us.

Speaker 2 I'm talking to both of you.

Speaker 1 Shit. Okay.
I think I might be talking to the audience.

Speaker 2 But my name is Lauren.

Speaker 1 And what are you here to say?

Speaker 2 That your name is Paul and your name is Scott.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 And we're rapping in a whole new way. Got all this pressure to rap in a whole new way.

Speaker 2 But the whole new way is just we talk freestyle. Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You don't think rappers sit around rappers

Speaker 1 sit around thinking like, what's a whole new way to rap?

Speaker 1 They wonder.

Speaker 1 I had a little tiny burp in the, the first time I did it. So it sounded like Foster Brooks.
You don't think rappers

Speaker 1 like I got emotional talking about rappers.

Speaker 1 Rappers.

Speaker 2 I wanted to ask, when you have a task that needs to be accomplished in your home, such as paperwork or, you know, cleaning something or organizing something, are you a procrastinator or do you get right down to business?

Speaker 2 Ooh, like the minute it's like if you're like, oh, I got her, oh, I just remembered I have to do that thing. And then you're like, I'll just do it right now.

Speaker 1 Or do you go like. I'm a procrastinator.
I'll do it two minutes before it's supposed to be done, no matter what it is. Yeah.
I have found that I will

Speaker 1 do household tasks that need to be done as a way of procrastinating, doing other things. I do that as well.
Oh, interesting.

Speaker 2 Well, I feel one thing that I feel is that I will let paperwork. I'll just put it to the side and go, I'll deal with that later.

Speaker 2 And then when I go to deal with it, like a month later, it's one, it took one second.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What paperwork are you doing constantly?

Speaker 2 I get lawsuits, like

Speaker 2 bills or like I got like a thing about my insurance that I just got a phone call following up because I was like, oh, I didn't deal with it, which is why I'm thinking about this now.

Speaker 2 But I set it into my pile of things to deal with. And then I was like, oh, right.

Speaker 1 I'm late on like dues payments for SAG, Writers Guild, stuff like that. I'm lucky I don't work, so I don't have dues.
I need to pay.

Speaker 1 Are you retired?

Speaker 1 I feel like I've been forcibly retired. You got to pay some guild dues, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, the normal one, I just mean like the whole like the DGA keeps emailing me, reminder,

Speaker 1 you know, whatever it is, 2.5% of your salary, you got to pay pay it at this point. I'm like, not a problem for me.
2.5% of your salary. Whatever it is.
I don't even remember what their dues are.

Speaker 1 You know how the WGA, it's like 2.5%, isn't it? Well, I don't know because for me, it's always like, what's the minimum to stay in the guild?

Speaker 1 And it's like 60 bucks or something. Right.
Because I haven't made any money from writing. But

Speaker 1 they put me into emeritus status on the Writers' Guild. That means it's like, you're not, we know you're not doing anything.

Speaker 2 But you still get to be here. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can I complain about Writers' Guild insurance? Please. Wow.
I've been dying for this.

Speaker 2 And the listeners want it too.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I've been working for the Writers Guild, or I've been a member of the Writers' Guild for now 20 years.

Speaker 1 Proud member. Proud member.
I was a member or

Speaker 1 I've been in it for 25 years.

Speaker 1 I've been a member for 20.

Speaker 1 20. And I love it.
At a certain point, they wrote to me and said, you have now qualified for insurance for life.

Speaker 2 Status.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know, because

Speaker 1 right? So I, in the back of my mind, had been like, oh, wow, no matter what happens, at least I have, me and my family have this insurance. Right.

Speaker 1 So then COVID happens. Everything is shut down.
I don't write for two years. Right.
They write and go, by the way, we're kicking you off your insurance.

Speaker 1 And I go, I thought I had it for life. They're like, no, that's when you retire.

Speaker 1 But like you have to actively retire and say, I'm not working.

Speaker 2 But you would get that at that point, yeah, still, but that's what they meant.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 and I'm like, but wait a minute, aren't you supposed to protect the writers? Like, COVID happened, it's a pandemic, and no one's working, and they're like, no more insurance, buddy.

Speaker 1 That's cruel.

Speaker 2 We have a bad, bad system. And I'm talking about, you know what? I'm here to talk about it because I want to talk all about that.

Speaker 1 I've done a lot of research and I want to say everything I learned. Our insurance is sag, and it's like the weirdness of

Speaker 1 in order to maintain this insurance for your health,

Speaker 1 you have to work. And guess what? Working is not up to you.
Right. And if you are not sick, you cannot work.
If you get to do that.

Speaker 1 It's like they've talked about changing all this kind of stuff. Like, you should just get, if you're a member, you just get your insurance.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No matter what you make one year or what you don't like, you have to make $30,000 a year or something in order to get it. Wasn't when COVID happened.
Really? Something like that.

Speaker 1 I don't know how the writer's

Speaker 1 Oh, the Writers' Guild. I was going to say, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I was consistently, no matter what was going on, I would usually write something in a year. Right, right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know what it is for SAG. I'm curious.

Speaker 1 When SAG, like, I feel like at the beginning of COVID, and they were like, yeah, we don't have any. We don't have any money because some members needed some surgeries, and so that's all the money.

Speaker 1 I'm like,

Speaker 1 you got to be fucking kidding me. Well, this is a problem for people who don't work in show businesses too.
When you tie insurance to employment,

Speaker 1 then then you get a bunch of unhappy people who are like, I can't quit my job because then I'm out of insurance. And then I wouldn't, you know, it's just like, let's just make, well, anyway.

Speaker 2 You do have to make $25,950 to get SAG insurance.

Speaker 1 I know what you're saying out there. Why don't I just like guest ride on SNL for a week?

Speaker 2 Yeah, just, it'll just get done, you know?

Speaker 2 But like, just do a, just do a little, just pop onto a show.

Speaker 1 Guys, let's just,

Speaker 1 and this is a radical thing I'm saying, maybe, but let's just do Medicare for all, please. Everyone just gets insurance.

Speaker 1 Everyone just gets the health stuff.

Speaker 2 It makes no sense.

Speaker 1 I know that, yes, we have the best health care system in the world or the best doctors in the world because they're competing against each other or whatever, but there's got to be a better way.

Speaker 1 I don't want the government coming between me and my doctor.

Speaker 1 I want to go to my doctor that's assigned to me. It's costing my insurance.

Speaker 1 But it already is so complicated. Anyway, sorry.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 Great start. Great start.
Great start that we're all depressed about. It's not what I was trying to get going with my question.

Speaker 2 What were you?

Speaker 1 What was it? Were you a procrastinator or you're a go-get-em guy? I'm a crast.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm procrastinating about medical stuff right now. Yeah.
Because I just don't.

Speaker 2 Sometimes it's annoying to deal with this stuff. You mean like you want to go get something checked?

Speaker 1 I have to, there's procedures that I have to do just from like I have to get a colonoscopy, which I have not done yet. Dick measured.
I do that myself.

Speaker 1 From the base of the ball?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I stand next to the wall in the kitchen.

Speaker 1 Two little pencil marks. Ew.

Speaker 1 That's disgusting.

Speaker 1 Lie down on the couch.

Speaker 1 You delete your body width from the mat. Well, that's just the crown holding.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Those are the baseboards.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're as thin as a baseboard.

Speaker 2 I'm as skinny as a baseboard.

Speaker 1 As you can see. As you can see, I'm skinny as a baseboard.
Oh, my God. But yeah, I have to, what else do I have to? I have to get my thyroid checked.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm just, I'm supposed to be making these appointments, and I just haven't done it yet.

Speaker 2 You know, it's really hard to do, and I also feel like in LA, it's very hard to get a doctor's appointment, but you can see you in November, like, they just know you're so far away, yeah, you know, it's crazy, but then sometimes I'll turn that down, like, even for my dermatologists.

Speaker 2 Like, they're like, We can see you next May, and I'm like, That's psychotic, and then I'm like, I'll go somewhere else,

Speaker 1 I'll go somewhere else, and then

Speaker 1 do you have a psychosis at some point?

Speaker 2 And next May rolls around, and I haven't done it yet. I'm like, I would have had the appointment tomorrow if I just kept it on the calendar.

Speaker 2 So, I just, my new thing is, I will take whatever they give me and cancel it up on And thank them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the way to go. Yeah, that's the way to go.
Yeah, time passes regardless, you know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I do like it when you go into the eye doctor or the tooth doctor. What are they called? Dentists?

Speaker 1 Tooth doctors.

Speaker 1 And they make the automatic appointment for you when you leave, and they're just like, and I always just go, yep, I'll take it. And then, and I go, what are you doing March 6th?

Speaker 2 It's noon, okay?

Speaker 1 I'm like, I don't know. I don't fucking know, but then it rolls around, and I'm never doing it.
Or I schedule whatever around it is.

Speaker 1 Of course. Yeah.
It's good to have it. Instead of just going like, yeah, let me talk to you a month beforehand.
And then they're like, we don't have anything anymore. I want to keep my options open.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Maybe I'll get to ride a roller coaster that day.
It's true. Oh, man, that would be so great.
Do you like roller coasters? I think I'm done with boats and roller coasters.

Speaker 1 I'm definitely done with roller coasters. You love boats.
I love boats. Well, not all roller coasters.

Speaker 2 By the way, I went on Big Thunder Mountain the other day.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, Disneyland roller coaster. Perfect roller coaster.
No notes. I'd probably do that.
I don't know if I'd go on. You held on to your hats and glasses?

Speaker 2 I I did.

Speaker 2 It was a great time, but I don't really want to go on a topsy-turvy roller coaster. And I don't want to

Speaker 1 be like either.

Speaker 2 I think we have gotten into that in-depth.

Speaker 1 I love it. I know.

Speaker 2 I mean, I know I'll be on boats many more times.

Speaker 1 What about a boat that did a loop-de-loop?

Speaker 1 I think that would make me sense. Like, not on a track on a water loop-de-loop.
Yeah, I'd do it. That would be so

Speaker 1 cool.

Speaker 1 Would you ever watch her ski?

Speaker 2 I don't see that in my future.

Speaker 1 I used to when I was reply hazy, try again. Have you done it? No, I never have.
I don't think

Speaker 1 it doesn't appeal to me. It was super fun.
You used to do it? Really? Yeah, but I thought of that the other day. I was like, oh, I'll never do it again.

Speaker 1 There are certain days. I was talking to a friend of mine and she was saying, like, she'll never ski again.
I was like, yeah. I mean, it's just like at a certain point.
No desire to ski.

Speaker 1 It's like, you don't want a sunny bono it, you know, and die. Yeah, just things are just too fucking

Speaker 1 too fine a point on it. Precarious to do ever again.

Speaker 1 I like

Speaker 1 it. Make a little burnout in here.
So I heard their version of Bills, Bills, Bills today. It was good.
Oh, I think I have heard that. Yeah, I haven't.

Speaker 1 Automobiles. The audacity.

Speaker 2 It's called writing.

Speaker 1 To say automobiles. Automobiles.
In a song. Yeah.
Can you pay them? And have it be good.

Speaker 2 It's good.

Speaker 1 I think I told you guys this, that Janie and I rented a boat when we were in South Carolina. Yes.
We did.

Speaker 1 I want to do it again. I want to do it again.
How choppy, though, is it like on the ocean or you know what? No, it's the river. That's probably okay for me.
But it leads into the ocean.

Speaker 1 Because I'll say when we went to Italy recently, we went to Venice.

Speaker 1 The great thing about flying into Venice, it's so fun is you touch down at the airport and then you, instead of taking a taxi to the hotel, you have to take a water taxi. Fun.
Which is very fun.

Speaker 1 And it didn't feel choppy to me. They're going fast enough where it's like they're just skimming over the big choppy stuff.
Right. And it's short enough or whatever.

Speaker 1 It was like 20 minutes or whatever that I was like, that's fine. I'll go.
I'll do that again.

Speaker 1 But then we rented a boat and man, just

Speaker 1 20 minutes into it, I was like, I'm more sick than I've been in forever. You were doing, like, you put your finger on your lips and then the big cheeks.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Chipmunk.

Speaker 1 So I, yeah, I think Kuloff and I were both like, well, we don't need to ever do a boat again.

Speaker 2 You're going to end up on boats again, and you're not going to have much to say about it.

Speaker 1 Because Water World is coming true. Boats, boats just come

Speaker 2 to boats come into your life. You have no control.
You're like, oh, boats come into your life.

Speaker 1 Because they do.

Speaker 2 You're going to be like, where's the lawning something?

Speaker 2 I've had to do that on boats multiple times. I go to someone's wedding and the rehearsal thing's on a boat and then it's like this and that.

Speaker 1 You just slide it. Maybe it's on a stationary boat in a pier or whatever, or taking like a nice jaunty little

Speaker 1 jaunty thing around like a

Speaker 1 very calm waters or whatever I don't mind that okay but you're saying that I'm gonna go on a big stormy night at sea boat at some point in my life in the future um

Speaker 2 Tyler Henry the medium told me that he saw that for you what

Speaker 1 you asked him about friends he brought it up wow did he mention me he did what did he say I don't think you want to hear it you gotta tell me now did he mention me did he mention me uh

Speaker 2 he saw he said, you have a friend named Paul. I'm getting that you.
No, I'm.

Speaker 1 No, he said,

Speaker 1 that's you. You have a friend named Paul.
Oh, do you have Snickers?

Speaker 2 And he said, does he like Snickers bars? And I said, I'm not sure. And he said, well, he's going to end up in a Snickers eating contest.

Speaker 1 Eating contest?

Speaker 1 Wow. How many can anyone eat?

Speaker 2 But he said it can happen anytime in the next 50 years.

Speaker 1 Probably sooner than 50.

Speaker 1 It's the last thing I do before I die. You die because of it.
My deathbed.

Speaker 1 Before I I go. Let me show a bunch of Snickers.

Speaker 2 I'm going to throw it.

Speaker 1 Oh, you would do it because you'll challenge me. You would do it because you're audience.
I know I'm dying, and I'm like,

Speaker 1 I'm throwing down the gauntlet. You know what?

Speaker 2 How many people have used their death moment when they're very old or like, you know, like a very old person, where the death feels like, I've had my time and this is like appropriate to be like, do a bit.

Speaker 2 Like, how many times have you?

Speaker 1 I'm going to jump out this building. How many times has that happened? Yeah, but where's my Oscar Wilde, obviously? He did? Either that wallpaper goes or I do.

Speaker 1 Didn't you say that? Still hold up. Were those his last words? What a guy.
I believe they were. Yes.
Love it. Love it.
I mean, that's hilarious. What was Jack Lemon's?

Speaker 1 I mentioned this on another show. What was Jack Lemon's Tombstone?

Speaker 2 It says, like,

Speaker 2 now in, like, starring in this or something, like, and it's just blank.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let me look it up.

Speaker 2 Was it his or was it somebody's also?

Speaker 1 No, it was Jack Lemon.

Speaker 1 Jack Lemmon's Tombstone. It says, oh, yeah, Jack Lemon in

Speaker 1 the ground.

Speaker 1 Jack, that's cool. I love it.
You come up with funny ideas. You come up with funny ideas.
And then people go, well, no, no. You have fans around the world.

Speaker 1 They're going to want to see your tomb cemetery. They want it to be serious.
It's a somber event. Your family members.

Speaker 1 He committed. I think if I was a family, I liked it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That seems like a great use of it. You know, we have all these stones taking up space.
Eventually, we won't have enough room for a cemetery.

Speaker 1 That's the thing.

Speaker 2 Use the cemetery space while we still got it and do a joke.

Speaker 1 Let's make affordable housing instead of cemeteries and let's just burn everybody up.

Speaker 2 I don't think there's that many cemeteries.

Speaker 1 I mean, Forest Lawn, there's like three here in the area. Forest Lawn is huge.
There's three Forest Lawns.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, the Hollywood Cemetery is fine.
Like, let's leave it to that. One in every town.

Speaker 2 They each get one of the most famous people.

Speaker 1 Only the famous people in every town. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they can be born there or have lived there in the post-Hollywood Cemetery needs to get more exclusive.

Speaker 2 In New York, where they have.

Speaker 1 I saw some sea listers at the end. Yeah, too many randos.
Yeah. You have to find the good ones.

Speaker 2 In New York, I love the cemeteries that are really old and just like tucked between all the buildings.

Speaker 1 Like the ones that you see on the way to the airport.

Speaker 1 No, like in my tribe back there.

Speaker 1 Oh, right.

Speaker 2 There'll be like just like all the really old graves. So those are interesting.

Speaker 1 They're interesting. Do we need to have them?

Speaker 2 Well, I think there should be some element of history. That's history.

Speaker 1 But it's all history. But you know, I like in

Speaker 1 an old church, you'll see

Speaker 2 churches in Manhattan as well.

Speaker 1 And they're so old that the grandma first dust.

Speaker 1 How old are they? That even the inscription has worn away, and it's just like this green mossy. Oh, yeah, right.

Speaker 1 What are we doing now?

Speaker 2 That feels weird, but it's also interesting. It just feels like hocus pocus or something.

Speaker 1 But I think, like, don't you think it should be? But I think 20 years after you're put in the ground, they removed it.

Speaker 2 It's not long. That's not long.
But you know that if they took out the cemeteries in Manhattan, they would just build some ugly condo.

Speaker 2 Like, no, you need at least a building that's going to be like historically interesting or like architectural.

Speaker 1 But what I'm saying, what if they didn't just build an ugly condo? They built like a beautiful condo. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Of course, I want to help the homeless. I'm not, I'm not arguing against that.
I'm just saying, but I also think we can do that in general.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no. I don't think that is.

Speaker 1 You're a NIMBY. What's that? Not in my backyard.

Speaker 2 Oh, God. No, I'm saying, like, how about just anywhere where there's a building? They just do that.

Speaker 1 Anywhere there's a building, we turn it into a honestly lost.

Speaker 1 What do we do? We turn it into a

Speaker 1 using me of not wanting to support unhoused no that part i got but you're saying anywhere there's a building i just think like anywhere you can build a new building could be one of those so why could be one of what uh un help uh what do you call it affordable housing oh yeah okay what how did we get there which buildings do you say we turn down

Speaker 2 um what you territory turn down for what oh there's so many ugly buildings in that way

Speaker 1 what's the first building that you've got

Speaker 1 so this is good because it it inspires or it gives incentive to people who own buildings to make them look nice.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think here I have a very different argument about building things than I would in Manhattan, which I think has a lot more historical

Speaker 1 value.

Speaker 2 But here, I think the architecture is 90% really bad and from like 1960 or 1990, and it's like really ugly.

Speaker 1 Speaking of architecture and historical value and Los Angeles, when I visited my sister here in 1984. We've heard this, yes.

Speaker 2 No, we don't know.

Speaker 1 No, I mean, we've heard about this story. I'm just putting it into perspective for which story do you think I'm going to tell? No, no, I'm just saying that we've heard about this trip.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is probably a new it's freedom legend. Yes, that I visited my sister.
She lived in Redondo Beach in 1984. It inspired you to live here.
It seems

Speaker 2 like it seems like it must have been cool

Speaker 1 to live in LA in 1984. I thought that you came here and were like, this looks like a pretty cool place.

Speaker 1 No, in fact, the opposite, because I was raised back east where we are encouraged to have a healthy hatred of a place we've never been. Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2 And what's your point?

Speaker 1 We saw, I think we went to, did we go to

Speaker 1 the alley where they have

Speaker 1 Santi Alley? Where they have what? It's Dee's. They have like a little

Speaker 1 old Mexican.

Speaker 2 I know what you're trying to get to.

Speaker 1 It's like anything. I know, it doesn't make sense.

Speaker 1 It's like a little little Mexican town

Speaker 2 on a street. In downtown?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, it's Alvera Street.
Alvera Street. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so they had a lot of... Famously the street.

Speaker 2 I thought it was Sandy Lane.

Speaker 1 Sandy Lane. Famously the street.
Street

Speaker 1 Sandy Lane. A major

Speaker 1 Tejano music festival on the night Kulop and I got married. Yeah.
And we were supposed to be married outside. Yes.
We just had to move it inside because loud blaring. Yes.

Speaker 1 I remember when Jane and I were pulling up to that and we heard the music, we're like, what's oh, this is this?

Speaker 1 Do you think you'll be able to hear it? No, we moved everything inside and Kulop was crying because we had planned everything. And then it turned out so much better because

Speaker 1 she got to make an entrance from that giant circular staircase. It was beautiful.
Yeah, it was great. There was so much fun.

Speaker 2 That's why they say when one door closes,

Speaker 1 then you have to go inside.

Speaker 2 You have to get in there.

Speaker 1 So they had like an adobe.

Speaker 1 It might not have been Olvera Street. It might have been another part of town.
Okay. Describe it because I've been there so many times.

Speaker 1 They had, this is all I remember, was they had like an Adobe with like

Speaker 1 a plaque that explained it. No, that is it, I think.
Yeah. And I was reading the plaque and I went,

Speaker 1 they spelled abode wrong.

Speaker 2 I love it. I love when you're dumb.

Speaker 1 And then my sister shut me down. Oh, yeah.
Well, good.

Speaker 2 I'm glad there was a sibling there to go into.

Speaker 1 Roasted me. But we learned so much about Adobe, but probably probably because it's a Doba.
Oh, sorry. Or do you mean Photoshop?

Speaker 1 No, we learned about it because it's a culture or it's a regional culture. There's so much about Adobe Acrobat.
There probably wasn't any call to learn about Adobe when you're in Philly, right? No,

Speaker 1 I'd never heard or seen that word before. I learned all about it.
In Chicago?

Speaker 1 One Adobe. You learned about one Adobe.

Speaker 2 We learned about Adobe.

Speaker 2 Is it plural Adobe? Adobe in books, you know?

Speaker 1 We learned about different things.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and we learned about historical things.

Speaker 1 Those things you pretend to read. That's just Mike Talk.

Speaker 2 And one of them was Adobe's.

Speaker 1 We didn't have books in my school. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 It was the oral tradition.

Speaker 1 We had a campfire in the middle of school. It was like really old school.
Where they would teach CRT. A wizened elder would enter.

Speaker 1 Speaking of Adobe,

Speaker 1 I feel like it never remembers a password to save its life, and that each little branch of Adobe you have to have a different password for. Are you still on it? I don't know.
know.

Speaker 1 I have to use it for a docu sign. There's a lot of things to use it for.
So sick.

Speaker 2 PDFs. Absolutely sick of passwords.

Speaker 1 I can't.

Speaker 1 Do you know what they say? One for everything is what is it? Oscar Wilde said, if you're tired of passwords, you're tired of life. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're a wild head. You're a wild man.

Speaker 2 There's too many websites.

Speaker 1 It's too many websites.

Speaker 1 Let's start. Too many websites that demand a login.

Speaker 2 I don't need a login for every store I buy something from online. It's like, stop doing this.

Speaker 1 We should be able to delete old websites from the web. Like, if you go to, let's say you stumble upon a website older than five.
And you're like, no one's been on this for years.

Speaker 1 I get to deal with it.

Speaker 2 The tumbleweed comes through or something.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But then there are the

Speaker 1 8-bit websites that are still around for something like the, what was the one video game that still is there? I can't remember, but it's like, oh my God, it's still there.

Speaker 2 I just think we need to wipe away.

Speaker 1 Let's make graveyards on the internet instead of in real life. Digital graveyards.

Speaker 2 You're gonna have like an 8-bit

Speaker 1 tombstone.

Speaker 2 If you had an old website,

Speaker 2 Pac-Man.

Speaker 1 And you can sit there and grieve. And then a Pac-Man ghost comes up.
And there'd be like Arlington Cemetery would be there where like special honors, you know, this on this website.

Speaker 1 Only people who have died in battle. How about this? Tomb of the Unknown Soldier? What a waste of space.
There's nobody in there. That's so hard.
We don't know who it is, even though there is someone.

Speaker 1 There's nobody in there.

Speaker 2 You don't know that.

Speaker 1 You think it's really one guy? And they're like, we don't know who he is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They should do a DNA test on him.

Speaker 1 He's part Kali.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 And then the mom gets mad at the dad.

Speaker 2 Here we go again.

Speaker 1 Here we go again.

Speaker 1 This has all happened before.

Speaker 1 Oh, my tomb. I like it.
I like it.

Speaker 1 Tomb to tomb. From sperm to remote.

Speaker 1 What's that story, dear girl? We had to change that in the high school version. What'd you change it to? Earth to earth, maybe, or something like that.
I can't remember what. Yeah, it's still.

Speaker 2 Sperm to worm.

Speaker 2 That feels intense.

Speaker 1 Womb to tomb makes sense, but oh, because worms are eating you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because you become a worm.

Speaker 1 You become a worm. You become the dirt.
It's so funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah, when you're sperm.

Speaker 1 You start at sperm.

Speaker 1 I'm a worm. See, I believe life begins at sperm.

Speaker 1 Not even if it ever mingles with.

Speaker 1 There you go. Okay.

Speaker 1 The sin of Onin, you must not spill your seed on the ground. That's right.
What was that about? Why is God getting involved in that kind of business? Well, because he had to see it. It's gross.

Speaker 1 Like, this guy's just standing in some field. He's like, look, I got to watch everything.
And half the population all day is jerking off.

Speaker 1 This dude Onin because spill your seed on the ground. So this guy is like just standing out in the desert, jerking off.
Well, that, okay, so that's the other thing. They've

Speaker 1 interpreted that to mean anytime you have sex, it's got to be inside a woman. Yeah.
And that's their excuse.

Speaker 1 That's their excuse to say, like, gay people shouldn't be gay and all this kind of stuff because sex is only used. Oh, I had not heard that.

Speaker 1 That's how it was interpreted at my church growing up. Really? They were like...
You shouldn't masturbate because that's wasting your sperm. Yeah, we can.

Speaker 1 And you can't be gay because that whole relationship is wasting your sperm, i.e., spilling it upon the ground.

Speaker 1 The purpose of sex is to procreate procreate and to do it inside

Speaker 1 a house,

Speaker 1 a bedroom.

Speaker 2 But see, you know what?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 You're still spreading this information to people who might not have heard that.

Speaker 1 And I think that's not even the church. Kind of.

Speaker 2 Just not even acknowledge that those things have ever been said and just move on.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I never have known that. And I don't want to.

Speaker 1 You didn't want to know that?

Speaker 2 I think it's just so stupid that I can't really deal with it, you know? And I feel like my life was better before I knew that.

Speaker 1 Did you even know about that Bible verse?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've heard it.

Speaker 1 Mike talked about it.

Speaker 2 He screams that when he...

Speaker 1 Spelling my scene on the ground.

Speaker 1 He screams.

Speaker 1 All right, let's take a break.

Speaker 1 Oh,

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Speaker 1 And we're back. No, I am.

Speaker 1 I'm here. Yay! Yeah.
Yow.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Remember? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Is he still doing that, Lil John?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he has a new home renovation show, not to give you the reality record.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 But it says Little John wants to do what? That's what it's called. And it's a show where he does renovations.

Speaker 2 I haven't watched it. I have one on my DVR.

Speaker 1 He was an absolute delight on the Comedy Bandwaiting TV. Finally, I am only going to watch it.
And it's nothing against Little John. I don't watch these kind of shows.

Speaker 1 I will only watch it if he renovates at school and puts soda in the drinking fountain.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that sounds like it would work really well.

Speaker 1 It's never been done. Yeah.
I can't believe we've talked about it for so long.

Speaker 2 But no one would ever leave a soda fountain.

Speaker 1 Did I tell you about the when I was in grade school? I think we had an assignment or something of like, you have to write an essay of assassins?

Speaker 1 We had to assign. Here's your assignment.
If you choose your acceptance.

Speaker 1 They had to say that every single time they gave out homework. It's like, I don't choose to accept that.
That's it. No, no, thanks.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I think this is not me running for office. I think the assignment was, okay, if you were running.
Ghost from Family Circus?

Speaker 1 Shut up.

Speaker 1 But I think the assignment was

Speaker 1 write a paragraph about what you would promise to do in the school or something like that. I don't know what.
But I wrote. Maybe

Speaker 1 I will be a Doric.

Speaker 1 Maybe I was running for office. I don't know why the rest of the story makes sense if I wasn't.
Running for office. But I wrote student office.
So I wrote. Oh, thanks.

Speaker 1 i wasn't trying to be the youngest mayor

Speaker 1 i heard that that was that that was pronounced comtroller that the p asi

Speaker 1 comtroller

Speaker 1 anyway

Speaker 1 so i wrote a big essay a big long thing about how when i'm elected

Speaker 1 i'm going to make sure that when you go to the drinking fountain because there's two side by side right you look like you're grabbing tits that are just

Speaker 1 you're mining this You're grabbing tits. It's like I'm in the musical Chicago.
I love you, honey.

Speaker 2 But they're so spread out.

Speaker 1 There's this part. Did that happen? There's this part in Chicago where a woman is talking about her husband that she killed, how he would work on her like he was working on carburetors.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so I'm miming, twisting these carperes. So stupid.
Anyway, so I wrote. Let me guess.

Speaker 2 Chicago was written by a man.

Speaker 1 You can tell when you watch that play

Speaker 1 starring all women practically in one man that it was written by a man. That actually does sound like a man.

Speaker 2 Ticks like carburetors.

Speaker 1 He's not saying tits like carburetors. She's complaining.

Speaker 1 She's complaining that her husband, a mechanic,

Speaker 1 would then work on her body instead of doing foreplay.

Speaker 2 Can I just say it was written by two men and a music written by a man?

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Never mind. But wait, what? But that's why he's not.

Speaker 1 That's what's putting all this ink on me. What are you doing? You put all over your hands.

Speaker 1 Yes,

Speaker 1 it's a headphone jack. I don't know.

Speaker 1 So it's like a music

Speaker 1 prank. It is like a prank that's.
You know what it is? I bet it was inside there.

Speaker 1 Oh, I thought it was like...

Speaker 2 Maybe it was one of those eye kaleidoscopes, and then you pull it away and you got a whole black eye.

Speaker 1 I thought it was like... Hilarious.
A true asshole.

Speaker 1 A true asshole sets up a prank that he will never get to see. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He just knows it's out there pranking away.

Speaker 1 At least the impractical jokers, you know, they're watching.

Speaker 2 Those guys.

Speaker 1 So anyway, so

Speaker 1 I wrote this essay about

Speaker 1 when I'm school president,

Speaker 1 I'll make sure that when you go to the drinking fountain, if someone is already there drinking something and you turn on the other one, it doesn't make the flow go down

Speaker 1 while you're drinking.

Speaker 2 It's kind of embarrassing. You know, you kind of have to dip.
Yeah. It's like, yeah.

Speaker 1 Still happens at the airport.

Speaker 2 Who's drinking out of two water fountains at the same time at the the airport?

Speaker 1 Yeah, what lunatics are even drinking out of fountains at the airport? Hold on a second, guys. Yeah, you and who else?

Speaker 1 There's the water bottle filler. Yeah.
And then there's a water fountain next to it.

Speaker 1 And if you use one, the water pressure on the other one goes down.

Speaker 2 I'm so sorry to hear that.

Speaker 1 Well, this was. Thank you.

Speaker 1 This was the topic of conversation.

Speaker 1 This was the topic of conversation when I was called into the principal's office. Holy fucking shit.
And explained to me by the principal principal about why that wasn't possible.

Speaker 1 Because the fountains are white only. Yes.

Speaker 1 And they had just recently changed over.

Speaker 1 And they're like, we can't fix these now. But they, oh, thank you, Kevin.
He's giving me some wipes. Look at Shevin.
Thank you. Thank you, Shevin.

Speaker 1 We love you.

Speaker 2 Disinfecting wipes.

Speaker 1 Wipes. And he was like.

Speaker 1 He was like, well, this is.

Speaker 2 They bought everything like at the beginning of the pandemic. Everything here is not a brand name.
Like, I'm looking at the hand sanitizer that's like from France and it's like, germs be gone.

Speaker 2 Who loves that? And those are just called disinfecting wipes. Like, all of it's back in stores now.

Speaker 1 You can go get Clora. You can go get the brand name.
You can go get Kevin. Like, I don't believe that Germs Be Gone is doing anything.

Speaker 1 I think these are just left over from the start of the pandemic. That's what I'm saying.
This is starting to be

Speaker 1 saying. No, no, no, it's left over from the beginning of the pandemic.

Speaker 2 Why does a Derewolf go to the fucking store and get some of the real shit?

Speaker 1 That actually works. Dear Wolf,

Speaker 1 you're a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter. Your lowest-rated show.
We have demands.

Speaker 1 So anyway, he explained it to me.

Speaker 2 I think actually the office ladies would be thrilled to see a real brand of hand sanitizer here when you're.

Speaker 1 You don't think they like germs be gone?

Speaker 1 Germs be gone. Sure.
By the way, it's not be gone like one word. It's two different words.
Germs is

Speaker 2 a G, the G is very large, and then it says ERMS Be On.

Speaker 2 And then it's supposed to line up with the G's.

Speaker 1 G's. ERMS be on.

Speaker 1 The G is very large with Snoop Dogg's follow-up song, too. Ain't nothing but a G thing.
G is very large.

Speaker 2 What this has in it is ethyl alcohol 65%

Speaker 2 W slash W.

Speaker 1 I don't think these are good when they use the same G for two different words.

Speaker 2 It's way they didn't have enough money to get two G's.

Speaker 1 It's so cheap. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I can't believe it's called Germs Be Gone.

Speaker 1 Germs Be Gone.

Speaker 1 Hands are good.

Speaker 2 Joe dese faton test pola mond.

Speaker 1 Guys, my hands are relatively clean at this point. So

Speaker 1 look at your pinky. That's what Robert Durst said.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Wow, it took a lot of wipes.

Speaker 1 I'm on my third wipe right now. I didn't even take a lot of wipes.

Speaker 1 Anyway, have you guys ever been called into the principal's office? Is Robert Durst dead?

Speaker 1 Yeah, right? Yes. Great.
I want to say yes.

Speaker 1 Great. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Have I been called in? Yeah. I mean, have I told my epic story?

Speaker 1 I don't know. No, I have a story as well.
It's not epic. Should I go first? Let me tell you yours.

Speaker 1 I went. My brother, my older older brother, and I went to the same grade school, and I guess he had

Speaker 1 incurred the ire of our principal, sister,

Speaker 1 oh,

Speaker 1 fuck was her name.

Speaker 1 Sister fuck with her name. God damn.
I can see her. She had like,

Speaker 1 she was. I can see you saying, God damn.
She was actually

Speaker 1 there. I actually see her in the corner right now.

Speaker 1 She,

Speaker 1 she was a short short woman, she was a short king, older woman. She was a wee stand a short king.
Um, and she had, um, she had glasses, she had these huge bones.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, I had a dream last night that I had a mustache, and I was going, oh, should I not have this? I've had this for years. It's like a thick, it was like a thick mustache.

Speaker 1 Like a magnet,

Speaker 2 like a man, like a man's mustache, like, like Paul's, like it was a thick mustache. And I was going, like, oh, is it weird that I have this?

Speaker 1 Like, I was just realizing, I was looking in the mirror going, oh, I think I should have gotten rid of this.

Speaker 2 I've like made this a part of my look, but it shouldn't be.

Speaker 1 No, this is going to cost me work. Please don't do that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so she was a mean lady, Sister Miriam, that was her name. And

Speaker 1 I was in fourth grade. And so this woman already did not like me, right? Because you were in fourth grade.
I had a reputation because of my brother. She hated the family.

Speaker 1 That's so terrible.

Speaker 2 Yes. My old brother was causing a ruckus.

Speaker 1 My older brother. And I don't even know what he did.

Speaker 1 But here's where, this is why he may not have done anything. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I was

Speaker 1 in fourth grade, we were having some sort of gym period in the classroom where we had to like move the desks and stuff. Oh, because it was raining outside, maybe or something? Maybe.
We had a sub.

Speaker 1 We had a substitute teacher. Oh, that's what sub means.

Speaker 2 I thought it was submarine.

Speaker 1 We had an unsub. We had that sandwich that was teaching us.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I was wearing a

Speaker 1 clip-on tie, my uniform tie. Oh, it was a uniform.
Oh, I thought you just chose. You were like, I was already in the Paul of Tompkins costume.

Speaker 1 This is what I call it.

Speaker 1 And so

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 probably, look, I was like a class clown, and I'm sure I did something else that this teacher was annoyed by, whatever. A sub.

Speaker 1 But yeah, like who cares?

Speaker 1 Yeah. You're not going to be there tomorrow.
Let it go, exactly. Sweetie pie.

Speaker 1 Let it go. You're making this day hell for the sweet.
So I remember that I took my tie off and after we moved the desks and I like tossed it on my desk.

Speaker 1 And at some point, we were all getting out of hand. And the principal came in and said, What's going on here? And the sub did.

Speaker 1 Did the sub get a get word to the principal of like, you got to get in here? I don't, I don't, honestly, I don't remember if that's what happened or if we were all just so fucking nuts.

Speaker 1 I bet that's it. Which I think is probably what happened.

Speaker 1 And so the the principal came in and so the sub is like, they're doing this, doing that. He was throwing things pointing at me.
What? Because I tossed my fucking toss in a tie.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's so stupid.

Speaker 1 And so she made me, the principal made me stand in her office, like the outer room of her office for the rest of the day. Stand.
I had to just stand there. Stand in the outer office.

Speaker 1 Rest of the day. Just now keep doing it.

Speaker 1 So was standing part of the punishment or they just didn't. Yeah, standing was part of the punishment.
Like, I just said

Speaker 1 you could stand a little more easier. That would be the worst punishment right now.
I remember having to stand outside the classroom, right?

Speaker 1 Like, getting in trouble and having to stand outside the classroom. Nowadays, it would be like

Speaker 1 after two minutes, it would be like, You've got to get me a chair. It is funny, like, the only thing that you worry about then is, oh, my, if my parents find out about this, I'll be in trouble.
Right.

Speaker 1 Um, but if this is just a punishment that stays in here where I just stand on the hallway,

Speaker 1 yeah, great, yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 What am I missing out on? math i know

Speaker 1 i don't remember my parents found out about that and it's like one of those things where i you you're a kid and you're you're telling your parent i didn't do anything wrong and i think the assumption is that you're lying yeah yeah the assumption for kids right is they're trying to weasel out of 100 of the time they're lying no matter what they say yeah yeah i think everyone knows that yeah um when i was little Here we go.

Speaker 1 Here's the epic story. Do we have time for this?

Speaker 2 Honestly, I might have told it before.

Speaker 1 All right, well. At which point.
I'll stop you at any point.

Speaker 2 But the principal was involved, but I didn't go to the principal's office. But

Speaker 2 I was in second grade, and I had a teacher who was a witch, and she was very, very mean.

Speaker 1 Like with the hat and everything?

Speaker 2 She might as well, she probably took off on a broom afterwards, which I would have, I would have assumed,

Speaker 2 I would have assumed she rode a broom unless I saw her sitting in her car smoking cigarettes every day.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 That's brutal.

Speaker 2 But she

Speaker 2 was very mean. And my brother had had her, and she was also also very mean to him.

Speaker 1 And did your brother say, like, oh, no, because it was family lore.

Speaker 2 No, he's older. Oh, he's older.
It was family lore that she was mean and made him cry because he wrote a two backwards once.

Speaker 1 And she

Speaker 2 was off on him.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 so I was really afraid of her.

Speaker 1 God damn.

Speaker 2 And I was like,

Speaker 1 eight.

Speaker 2 And I went into her class, which I had her for math, and she was really mean. And math was hard.
And whatever.

Speaker 1 Wait, was she just a math teacher? Would you switch teachers?

Speaker 2 In second grade, we did switch teachers. It wasn't, we didn't always do that.
I don't know why, but anyway. We never did that.

Speaker 1 Oh, we switched teachers every year. No, every year we would do it every year.

Speaker 2 I had a reading teacher. I had math.

Speaker 1 Oh, I see. Yeah, no, we didn't.
But it was kind of

Speaker 1 that is. I was thinking about that the other day.
It's so crazy that teachers have to be good at all subjects

Speaker 1 through elementary school. They got to be good at reading the book.
That's all they got to be good at. Come on.
But no, I mean, like, it must be effective.

Speaker 1 It must be effective. Yeah, it's in the book.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 2 I,

Speaker 2 so in my class, we had to do an assignment where I remember the day like so clearly. Teachers mad.
Yeah, of course it will.

Speaker 1 That was me.

Speaker 1 I'm getting around.

Speaker 2 These teachers have magical powers, but some are bad.

Speaker 2 And I had to get, we all had to get up and go draw on the base of baseboard of the wall, or like, you know, some like marker that she had, put a marker of

Speaker 2 how tall our parents were.

Speaker 1 What? Laying down.

Speaker 2 What? And I just remember being like so confused. My dad is 6'5.
So I put the, I put, and I'm eight at the time. Yeah.
So I put the marker

Speaker 1 tall.

Speaker 2 I put the marker halfway down the wall. Who knows if it might have even been accurate? You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I don't know how far I went, but it was whatever she thought she saw, she thought it was insane. And she made me feel like I was absolutely so wrong and crazy and bad.
Gaslighting you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I cried and I went home and I told my mom what happened. I cried and that she made me cry and all this stuff.

Speaker 2 Then, because my mom already knew that she made my brother cry, and I'm sure countless of their children, she was just really mean. He, she went and talked to the principal about it.

Speaker 2 And then the principal told the teacher,

Speaker 2 you know, this, that, daughter.

Speaker 2 And then I was in a reading class upstairs, and I got someone told me I had to go down to her room and downstairs in the basement and talk to her in the middle.

Speaker 2 And so I knew something bad was happening. And I remember dragging my feet.
And I saw the janitor in the hall who was the really nice guy.

Speaker 1 And I knew the one that taught you how to play chess?

Speaker 2 No, but I did know him like my whole life actually.

Speaker 2 Anytime I'd be near the school, he remembered me. He was a really nice guy.
He passed away like two years ago. I was really sad.

Speaker 2 But he, I saw him, and he kind of, he was like sweeping something in the hall, and he kind of gave me a look.

Speaker 2 And I was like, really, I remember this, I just remember it so clearly because I was so nervous.

Speaker 2 And he gave you the look of like, like, oh, like, uh-oh, like, or going or going into the teacher's room. Like, I was like, I was kind of like, no.

Speaker 2 And like, I remember like walking down the stairs really slow.

Speaker 2 And then I got in the room and it was, it was also felt like another world because like the other class was in there. Like, oh, oh, so this is what happened.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is

Speaker 1 after hours.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was weird. And then she brought me over to her desk and she was like,

Speaker 2 Don't you ever tell your mother I made you cry.

Speaker 1 What the fuck? You should tell your mother that.

Speaker 2 Well, my mom knows. I don't know if I told my mom that then, but

Speaker 2 I definitely told her later.

Speaker 1 That's insanity.

Speaker 1 That's the behavior of a lunatic. It's so weird.

Speaker 1 Teachers can either be like

Speaker 1 one of the most positive forces in your life, or they can be absolute fucking terrorists.

Speaker 2 But my teacher, who was my reading teacher, who I was like in the other class with was the sweetest woman ever. She was so nice.

Speaker 2 And she worked at Barnes ⁇ Noble in the summer, and she was such a nice lady. And I always loved to see her there, and then she'd give me a hug.
She's probably still doing that.

Speaker 1 This makes sense now why you don't know any numbers. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I know. I just remembered that our

Speaker 1 school janitor when I was in grade school, his name was George. And then we got a new priest that was in charge of the priests.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Head pastor. Our new pastor, yeah.
And he came with a dog, a German shepherd, whose name was George. So then we had to start calling the janitor a different name.
What? And he said.

Speaker 2 He even called a dog a different name.

Speaker 1 Well, the dog. The dog is not going to learn another one.
How about Borge?

Speaker 1 Borge.

Speaker 1 Excuse me, Borge.

Speaker 2 Borge will pick up on it.

Speaker 1 So he said we could call him Bud. Oh, well, that's nice.

Speaker 2 At least he took to it. All right, but I'm sure I wouldn't like having my name changed because there's a dog named Lauren, Which, by the way, Oprah has a dog named Lauren.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 So if Oprah comes around here, I'll go by whatever she says. By the way, we're letting Oprah on freedom if she wants to.
That's the one.

Speaker 1 One of the few.

Speaker 1 One of the few. Not Mary Holland.
Who have we said? Oprah? Paige? Paige Davis. Paige Davis.
Yeah. Is that it? I thought that was the other one.

Speaker 1 There was a condition on Mary Holland, like if she were the last person on Earth.

Speaker 1 No, I don't think there was. You're not that.

Speaker 2 But aren't we still doing the podcast if we're the last four people on earth?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we do it because we love it.

Speaker 1 to listen to. Honestly, I think it would.

Speaker 2 She might be glad if she's the last person on our

Speaker 2 side.

Speaker 1 But then she wouldn't want to be a guest.

Speaker 1 She needs a podcast to listen to. It gives us a reason to listen.
You know?

Speaker 1 If we're not podcasting, what are we? I also remember Bud once played the harmonica over the loudspeaker. Oh, how nice.
And I can't remember why.

Speaker 1 It was like one of the, I don't know, there were some days in school where it would be like, you got to go to school, but we're not going to do anything today. Yeah.
We're just going to fuck around.

Speaker 1 There should be more days.

Speaker 1 Like, it's crazy that you have to go for nine months five days a week and teachers have to fill all that time yeah yeah that's well there's a lot to learn when you're brand new to earth i was talking to someone who used to be a teacher you might get welcomed to earth by somebody punching you in the face i was talking to someone who used to be a teacher and i was and i was bringing that up of like that's a lot of pressure to be on for eight hours of the day

Speaker 1 and and do it do a different thing five days a week for the entire year

Speaker 1 and he was like i loved it i was like a performer i was out there. Well, some teachers are so great like that.
You're a lunatic.

Speaker 2 No, like, some teachers are really good like that, though, where they keep it really interesting and they're like funny or just.

Speaker 1 And I guess once you figure it out the first year, you can replay it.

Speaker 2 Well, once I realized that, as the older I got, or whatever, like, oh, they just do it again.

Speaker 1 They've said this a million times.

Speaker 2 Like, it's not hard when you, I mean, it is hard.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying. No.

Speaker 1 Now you're the one. You think teachers should be paid less?

Speaker 1 The part that I was going to say, what I meant by that was the part that's intimidated by, intimidated by, it's not intimidated by me a ruler practice it and you have you have multiple classes a day doing the same thing in high school true true i'm remembering two more times i was called into the principal in high school oh and then i got a story for you oh i remembered why i had to stand in the hallway that time oh

Speaker 1 so i i don't i don't remember what it was but i i was forced to apologize to my 10th grade history teacher. You call him a jerk off?

Speaker 1 Hey, Jerkoff.

Speaker 1 No, I don't remember. I said something sarcastic or something.
And

Speaker 1 she told the principal. The principal called my parents.
My parents were like, you're going to go in and apologize publicly to her tomorrow. Publicly.
Like in front of the class or whatever.

Speaker 1 And so I had to do that, which is just like, let me do it privately. Come on.
Yeah. And let me not do it at all.

Speaker 1 What about that? I mean, are you cool with the kids hearing the great thing that I did that I have to apologize for? Okay.

Speaker 1 My jerk off. So then the other thing

Speaker 1 was I used to do, I used to do the trivia question in the announcements every day. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 And if you all know this, this is it.

Speaker 2 It makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 1 This is crazy that we allow.

Speaker 2 Did you pick out what the question was?

Speaker 1 Yes. So, what it was was when I was a senior in high school,

Speaker 1 by the way, I was only there for three classes in the morning, and then I went to the art school afterwards. But somehow, because I was interested in broadcasting, they let me do the trivia question.

Speaker 1 And I forget what the prize was, but every single class,

Speaker 1 if someone knew the answer, there could only be one per class, they would run as fast as they could out of their classroom to get to be the first person

Speaker 1 to where

Speaker 1 we did the announcements.

Speaker 1 That should be what Jeopardy is. If they said what, and they were correct, they got a the whole class got a prize or whatever every single day.
I loved that and they had to

Speaker 1 stop doing it because people were like running and hurting themselves

Speaker 1 and each other. Pushing people out of the way and stuff like that.
I'd love to see it. That sounds fun.

Speaker 2 I like that. I would like to go back to high school just for that.

Speaker 1 Just for that. Just to do that in the morning.
And you would have to do it at 7 a.m. or 8 a.m.
I get up totally.

Speaker 1 I like to go back to high school and do all the plays again because I think it'd be much better.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, I could kill my classes.

Speaker 1 I think I have worships on it. I'd like to do the actual classes and then.

Speaker 1 Oh, I was going to say, so I was called into the principal because

Speaker 1 ouch.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I did the trivia question of

Speaker 1 what was the name of the girl who kicked the bucket in the recent Poltergeist 3? Kicked the bucket. You mean died? I said kick the bucket.
Oh.

Speaker 1 And they were, and it was too soon, hashtag too soon, because she had died like the week before or something like that. Wait, the real person died? Yeah, the real person, yeah.

Speaker 1 It already turned her into a trivia girl.

Speaker 2 In the movie, she died.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Like, what was the name of the girl who kicked the bucket in the recently released Poltergeist 3? Oh, what a horrible question. It's really insensitive.
It's pretty bad.

Speaker 1 But they were really mad I said. You owe us a public apology.
They were really mad I said kick the bucket. Yes.
And was treating it cavalierly, right?

Speaker 1 So I got called into the principal and they were like, you are going to read an apology on the announcements tomorrow. And I was like, fine.
I was like, okay. And then I wrote the most sarcastic,

Speaker 1 like flowery apology and delivered it very archly and insincerely. And they were very upset that they allowed me to do that.

Speaker 1 They didn't like look at it beforehand. No, they looked at it and read okay, like, oh, okay.

Speaker 1 And then I am so sorry that I said, kick the bucket. I never should have said that.
It was something, it was so, it was something like,

Speaker 1 a situation like this should never be, you know, something like that.

Speaker 1 And they were, and they were so mad about how I delivered it that they kicked me off the announcements.

Speaker 1 Oh, is it worth it, Scott? No,

Speaker 1 I loved doing it. Bill Maher after 9-11.

Speaker 1 I said that. You don't want me to to be like Bill Maher after 9-11, do you? And they said, what is

Speaker 1 Yarcy? I was like, have you watched DC Cab?

Speaker 1 All right. So seventh grade.
Seventh grade. I have the teacher, Sister Melania.

Speaker 1 Also, Melania, I love that name. It's a beautiful name.
It's a beautiful.

Speaker 1 Yeah, isn't that weird? That's the only other time I've heard that name. Yeah.
Two great Melanias. Two of the best.

Speaker 1 Also, I was remembering the only time we had these desks, which were

Speaker 1 like usually you have the flat desk and you put your books like underneath on the little

Speaker 1 shelf or whatever. Oh, really? We have the kind of flat.
Like the chair.

Speaker 1 This is the only time we had those.

Speaker 2 But it was like a chair with a

Speaker 1 shelf under the chair.

Speaker 2 Or you mean the part under the flat bowl?

Speaker 1 With a salad bowl.

Speaker 2 Like you slide your salad. Yeah, we had those.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we had those. But this is the only time I had the desk that you opened it up.
And it was like a bowl that you put your salad. I love that.
Do you ever make glue?

Speaker 2 Do you ever put your glue in the,

Speaker 2 it's probably a generational thing uh in the pencil holder?

Speaker 1 We didn't have glue when I was a child. I just feel like I don't know that you're gonna be able to do it.
You have pencils hanging out forever, but you put the glue, especially

Speaker 1 the bright green, turquoise blue, clear Elmers that was like very 90s cool.

Speaker 2 You put it in your pencil holder part, then you close your desk, then later you can peel it out, and it's a big gel.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, that sounds like fun, though. I wish I'd done it.

Speaker 1 I wish I thought to do that. Yeah, we should do that right now.
So

Speaker 1 I'm there in seventh grade, and the teacher, Sister Milani, she's walking up and down the aisles talking about whatever. She and I already had a problem.

Speaker 1 She also didn't like my brother because my brother was always hiding a book on his lap.

Speaker 1 To hide his boner?

Speaker 1 I'm literally asking. To read.
No, to read. He was reading a book.
Oh,

Speaker 1 I thought you meant school books.

Speaker 2 I remember when I discovered, quote-unquote, Kurt Vonnegut when I was in high school, and I was like, I thought every book was so amazing. And I remember reading in chemistry.

Speaker 2 Like, I had in my lap Breakfast of Champions.

Speaker 1 And I was like, this is the best thing ever.

Speaker 2 i just remember ignoring my teacher and it was so amazing it's the best you sound like a grand falloon

Speaker 1 to be reading

Speaker 2 a book instead of learning about something else is like just it's great like that's like i feel like oh you should you should get a you should get a pass for if you're like expanding your mind in a day yeah like this is still a book yeah it's still

Speaker 1 this is still a book so she pre-doesn't like me she pretty and to be honest i probably gave her reason not to be honest you don't like yourself Oh, my God, no.

Speaker 1 I'm the last person to do that. So, um, one point she's going up and down the aisles, and she's uh, I who knows what she's talking about.

Speaker 1 To make my little friends laugh, I'm miming with a pen that I'm gonna stab her in the butt. That's funny, and then guess what else?

Speaker 1 You actually did it, I did. I love it.
She this, I did it go in the hole, no, yeah, it went completely in the hole.

Speaker 1 I like jabbed her

Speaker 1 and like the world fucking stopped. She wheeled around on me.
I can see her face as clear as they like. She was like, this can't have happened just now.
Yeah. And she looked at me and she went,

Speaker 1 get out.

Speaker 1 And I went outside and I just stood outside for the rest of the day.

Speaker 1 For the rest of the day. For the rest of the day.
And then when everyone else was leaving, they all left and she came out and said, Come in here.

Speaker 1 And she sat,

Speaker 1 she sat at her desk, and I sat at a desk in front of her, and she said,

Speaker 1 Never do that again.

Speaker 1 And that was it. Oh, she never said anything.
Like, I didn't have to tell her. Did she forgive you?

Speaker 1 Like, you would have been out of your mind.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I think maybe it was too hard for her to explain to someone. I don't know.
Like, this kid poked me in the butt.

Speaker 1 He stuck me in the ass with a pen. I'm a nun.
Yeah, what is going on here? I remember one time we had, we had a funny,

Speaker 1 this is in 11th grade, I think. We had a funny English teacher who was really old that we really liked, and she was funny.
Yes. But she was so old.

Speaker 1 And she was stern, but also thought we were all funny or whatever. And I remember like we dared my friend to go up

Speaker 1 with a pencil sharpener, take off his pants and go up to the pencil sharpener in his underwear.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so he did it. And with the pencil sharpeners right next to her desk.
And he's and we're all just like

Speaker 1 laughing so hard. And she did like a triple take

Speaker 1 and she's,

Speaker 1 and she was like, get back there. And she like started laughing.
He was like, get back there and put your pants on. And we were, we all laughed and she laughed.
It was a great moment.

Speaker 2 I love when it's all It was a great moment.

Speaker 1 Yeah, absolutely. Speaking of a great moment, we gotta go.

Speaker 5 Hello, I'm James Corden, and on my new show, This Life of Mine, I sit down each week with some of the most fascinating people on planet Earth. From Dr.

Speaker 5 Dre to Julianne Moore to David Beckham to Cynthia Arrivo to Martin Scorsese to Jeremy Renner to Denzel Washington to Kim Kardashian.

Speaker 5 We talk about the people, places, possessions, music, and memories that made them who they are. These are intimate conversations full of stories that you've never heard before.

Speaker 5 This Life of Mine premieres October 21st, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 1 And we're back.

Speaker 1 You know. Hi.
Hi. Jack Lemon.
I wasn't asleep. And John Lennon have very similar names.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Almost to the point where John Lennon

Speaker 1 should have been in the odd couple

Speaker 1 with Paul McCartney and work out their differences that way. And then the Beatles would be back together and everything would be cool.
Let's do a three chirp. That was Fettuccine Alfredo.

Speaker 1 Can we do it? Oh, it's garbage. Can we do Jitterbug?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 By special request of Lauren, we're going to do Jitterbug. Great.

Speaker 2 So as we all remember, Jitterbug is the game where we sing the beginning of the song, Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.

Speaker 1 By wham.

Speaker 2 And it starts with

Speaker 2 jitterbug.

Speaker 1 Oh, we did. Jitterbug.

Speaker 1 Jitterbug.

Speaker 2 And then we just fill in with another word that fits the syllables.

Speaker 1 Anything that fits the rhythm. Jitterbug.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Who's starting me? Well, we're going to say jitterbug three times.

Speaker 1 That's yes. And then who goes? Who starts?

Speaker 2 You go. Okay.

Speaker 1 Jitterbug.

Speaker 1 Jitterbug.

Speaker 1 Jitterbug.

Speaker 1 Masonry.

Speaker 2 Strawberry.

Speaker 1 Air supply.

Speaker 1 McCartney.

Speaker 2 The count?

Speaker 1 McCartney. McCartney.

Speaker 1 Is it because the middle syllable is

Speaker 1 yeah, it's gotta be, it's gotta be. I think the syllables have to hit the same as jitterbug.
That's how I say Paul McCartney. But I say strawberry.

Speaker 1 You just said McCartney.

Speaker 1 We gotta, we gotta do it again. Okay, here we go.
Ready? Who's doing it this time?

Speaker 2 I'll start. Okay.

Speaker 1 Jitterbug.

Speaker 1 Jitterbug.

Speaker 1 Jitterbug.

Speaker 2 Broadway show.

Speaker 1 medicine

Speaker 1 area

Speaker 2 aspirin

Speaker 1 carpet spray

Speaker 1 astronaut

Speaker 1 Morocco

Speaker 1 Baseball bat

Speaker 1 Baseball team

Speaker 2 Juliet

Speaker 1 Turnaround

Speaker 1 Romeo.

Speaker 2 Banana split.

Speaker 1 And we gave you Morocco. I panicked.
Morocco.

Speaker 1 All right, I'll start this time. Morocco.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jitterbug.

Speaker 1 I never know. The first

Speaker 1 jitterbug I can never do. Ready?

Speaker 1 Jitterbug.

Speaker 1 jitterbug ow

Speaker 1 what jitterbug. Why are you all injured?

Speaker 1 Scott's fingers are

Speaker 1 snapping. I'm

Speaker 1 not snapped this much. My fingers have all frozen up.
Don't you mock me, Shevin. I see him in there behind the glass.
Let's do little claps. Okay.

Speaker 1 Jitterbug sounds weird.

Speaker 1 Jitterbug. Jitterbug.

Speaker 1 Jitterbug.

Speaker 1 Run, tell that.

Speaker 1 I'll fist depot.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 I'll fist you both. Depot.

Speaker 1 I'll fist depot. I'll fist depot.
I'll fist you both. I'll fist you both.
He'd have killed us if he had the chance. I'll fist you both.
He'd have killed us if he had the chance.

Speaker 1 He'd have killed us if he had the chance.

Speaker 1 Jesus.

Speaker 1 I'll fist you both. Okay.

Speaker 2 New round, Scott, starts.

Speaker 1 New round.

Speaker 2 We have to get to like 10. 10.

Speaker 1 Jitterbug.

Speaker 1 Blug. Jitterbug.

Speaker 1 Jitterbug.

Speaker 1 Dispact. Oops.

Speaker 2 Dirty rag.

Speaker 1 Lightning bug. Lightning mug.

Speaker 1 Lightning crash.

Speaker 2 Powder the man.

Speaker 1 What? What? Powder the man?

Speaker 1 Are you thinking of Portugal the man? Are you thinking of powder all grown up? Powder man.

Speaker 2 Powder the man.

Speaker 1 Because he got hit by lightning. Powder the man.

Speaker 1 Powder was a teenage boy, wasn't he? I don't know how old he was. I wasn't.
He was a teenage boy.

Speaker 1 Powder. I went to disqualify because he was younger than man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm sorry. Well, when he was 18,

Speaker 1 he was old enough to vote and buy cigarettes and get in the army. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Well, that feels like a great way to wrap it up. That's wrapped.
Yeah, that's a fun one. Thanks, everyone, so much.

Speaker 2 Obviously, call us at HaHa LaImpoo and leave a message.

Speaker 2 And follow us on Twitter. I mean,

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 Truth Social. I was going to say Twitter and Instagram at threedomusa.
And write to us at threedomusa at gmail.com. And if you want to hear the...
Also, do we ever look at that email?

Speaker 1 I don't look at it. I've never looked at it.

Speaker 2 Kevin looks at it, I guess.

Speaker 1 If you want to hear the full archives of all of our past 100 or so shows, as well as listen to ad-free episodes of this show, listen at StitcherPremium or at cbbworld.com. Dat corn.
Dat corn.

Speaker 2 CBWorld dat corn.

Speaker 1 Bye.

Speaker 4 You know, when you're just going about your busy day and a voice asks you something like, why do people have crushes? Or, do dogs know they're dogs? The Brains On podcast is here to help.

Speaker 4 Every episode answers tough questions with funny skits, cool facts, and more. It's a science show for kids of all ages.
Whether you grew up with JFK, MTV, TLC, or TMZ, Brains On is for you.

Speaker 1 Listening may induce uncontrollable laughter and turn backseat squabbles into harmonious car trips. Find Brains On wherever you get your podcasts.