Threevisiting: et tu (E.T. 2)

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That's perilously close to the tomahawk chop.

No, it's not.

Here's what it is.

Okay, what is it?

It's the famous football chant.

Oh.

Oh,

but the tomahawk chop isn't.

Don't do it.

Oh, God.

I don't want to, but

I want to show you how close it is.

I wish the melodies

could be put on a graph.

It's like a graph, like where he's saying, well, there's like, boom, name, bum, na, name, nu.

They're not as close as you think.

I know the.

Believe me, I know the melody of the tomahawk chop.

Why don't the tomahawk chop people just switch over to what you're doing?

Yeah, or why don't they go to hell?

Could be.

Yo, what?

God, I hope there's a hell.

I don't hope there's a heaven, but I hope there's a hell.

I'd be fine with that.

I'd be fine with, like, if you're a decent person, you die, nothing happens.

If you're bad, you go to hell and you're tortured forever.

And who decides?

Who decides, sir?

Sir.

Who benefits?

Close to Latin.

QE Bodo.

QE.

QE.

What if Bono changed his name to that?

QAnon?

Hi, I'm QE.

I'm Q.

Oh, no.

Bono is Q.

QAnon took this letter from the alphabet, and I'm going to steal it back.

I'd respect that a lot.

That's what it would take for you to respect Bono.

I would respect his actions, but I wouldn't respect the man.

Respect the actions if not the man.

Separate the yard from the artist.

That's right.

You respect the office of Bono, if not the man, right absolutely

yeah is there anybody who you respect as a as an artist but don't respect their art uh that seems impossible

you can't respect them as an artist you can respect them as a person yeah like there's people that you think are nice people yeah probably like people not somebody you know yeah and i go like

you know what i'm not too fond of whatever they did but like they seem great yeah i hope they're happy what i like is when you absolutely cannot respect them either way i love that because it's so nice and free and clear you'll never have to think about them ever again yeah and you you never will.

Hi, welcome to Freedom.

I'm Paul.

Speaking of not respecting anyone from both sides, I'm Scott.

I don't know how to take that.

And I'm not sure.

That's about me.

My name is Laura.

No, it doesn't matter.

I don't care who I am.

Yeah, who are you, DJ?

My name is Lauren.

And you're here to say.

I love to rap in a whole new way.

Which way?

A non-rhyming way?

It's a talking way.

But just naturally, I will say my rap says they're flowing through me.

This is Freedom.

And if you've listened to the show for the past couple of weeks, there's been a plot point that we need to resolve.

And I think we need to do it on Lauren's topics.

Well, this is lovely because I'm not sure what it is.

Yeah, me either.

Should we do it on Lauren's topics?

Sure, I guess.

I mean, I'm afraid to just put my topics up for whatever this topic is.

Oh, really?

You want to protect Lauren's topics?

Well, because the topics are pretty.

I think that's fair.

I don't know what the topics are.

You need to curate the topics, but I'm not going to be able to do it.

Well, it's not my topics.

But we've announced so many things on Lauren's topics.

But there are things that pertain to I, me, myself.

And Lauren has been the one announcing them.

No, I'm sorry.

Do you want to speak to me?

I don't want to do Scott's topics.

Is it regarding?

No one wants you to do Scott's moment.

Is it regarding you?

Yeah.

Is it regarding your ankle?

Yeah.

Okay, well, that's Lauren's.

This is your topic.

This is Scott's Moment.

No, I want to do it in Lauren's topic.

She was so popular.

It's a segment called Scott Badbody.

I have other topics to bring to Lauren's topics.

The segment is full.

Come on.

No, Scott.

You have to call it Scott's Moment.

Reach down.

Give a hand up to a struggling artist.

You're outvoted.

You're outvoted.

Scott's Moment.

I'm always going to be outvoted on this show.

It's coming in as quickly as it leaves.

I think it's got to be Scott Badby.

I got to be quick about it.

Scott Badbody.

Yeah, it's this little bit.

You think it should be that because you thought of it.

You think it's a bad idea?

Scott Badbody, man.

Yeah.

Well, because this isn't a moment.

This is going on forever.

You're right.

I haven't even started.

Scott's hour.

Let's hear it.

Scott's hour.

The Scott hour.

What happened to your ankle?

All right, well, now everyone relax.

Sit next to your phone and light a fire.

Beat your dog with a juice paper because it's time for

the Scott Hour.

Okay, last time on the show, I talked about how I twisted my ankle and then I hit it a couple of times during the show and said, ow.

You did.

Honestly,

when you hit it during the show,

you were really in pain.

Yeah.

And it was a little scary.

Yeah.

Because I was kind of like, whoa, I didn't realize it was so bad.

I wasn't scared.

I was really scared, and I hid it under the table inside of a closet.

Instead of a closet?

And you put sweaters in front of you, and then...

Yeah, I made a fort, and then I played.

I saw your shoes, and then I hid in a bunch of stuffed animals.

Yeah.

And then when you looked at me, I made the face.

Yeah, the E.T.

face.

Et daily.

Oh, yeah.

The extra transcript.

Et 2 E.T.

E.

T.2.

That's funny.

Oh, E.T.2 should be.

I don't have done that.

E.T.2 should be Mark Russell.

Et 2.

Who's that?

An old comedian?

He's the guy that does the songs.

He's got the piano with

the stars on it.

I don't even know what to do.

Someone please

Photoshop the ET2 poster as it is.

And I recently learned it was E-H.

Brute 2, not ET.

Is that right?

It depends on how you pronounce it.

Eight?

I think I pronounced it correctly.

Eight two.

Not eight.

Et two.

It's like et two, e-h.

Eight.

Eh?

A.

Eh, two, brute, eh?

I'll find out.

In any case.

I thought it was et two.

So did I.

Et two.

Like I et two.

I know that in in Italiano, uh, and is e.

E too.

I mean, if you wanted to.

We are looking at how to pronounce it.

Oh my god.

Mary Holland?

When he realized his son Brutus

betrayed him.

Okay.

I thought he said song.

His song Brutus.

E2, Brutus.

E2.

Also, did he say Julius?

Why are we et tu brute?

Et tu bruté.

The tu is et.

So who told me?

So who told me this?

And then I'm looking down here and it says in French, it's e.

So I think somebody thought that was a French phrase.

Dumb.

But it's probably Latin.

That person's stupid.

It is Latin, of course.

It's from Latin times.

But so I've got to figure out who told me that.

It sounded like they were on vacation or something.

It just happened like a month ago.

And I saw that.

I saw him by the way.

It's actually this.

And I went, this whole time I've been saying et.

I saw Mike Story

about

you.

His tweet hurts 100,000 likes right now.

It has taken off.

We woke up and went, holy shit.

We got to start tweeting about each other all the time.

I got to get that.

So I was like, well, I guess that could be a good thing.

But describe what the tweet was basically that.

I'm out of social media time today.

I've already used it.

Okay, but let me paraphrase this.

That

you came to him and said, by the way, I read

the other two.

I read a new researcher, or I read something the other day.

And it was da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-da.

And he goes, I told you that.

And I was like,

okay.

So I guess you read that.

But yeah.

And so he tweeted about it.

And the people are loving it.

People love it because it's a little slice of like inner personal dynamics.

It happens all the time.

Yeah, it's great.

Anyway,

it's so universal.

I feel like it's the kind of thing that will get stolen.

Right.

Like somebody will claim it as the business.

It'll end up being on a sitcom soon, and he won't be casting it.

He'll have to audition and it'll be like, and he'll be like, I actually, the tweet, this line that I'm supposed, the character is supposed to say is based on my tweet.

And they'll go, honey, honey, that's not how the biz works, babe.

118,000 likes.

Yeah, he's taking off.

And I just retweeted it.

So we did a dance this morning screaming, what fame, miss, what fame?

Oh, what fame?

Miss Fame.

Holly says that's the same thing.

Money started raining down.

The money did come out of the ceiling.

Yeah.

Every house has money in this.

Well, if you get a tweet that goes viral.

Yeah.

You can't, there's, it's, look, you can't jigger the lock.

You just cannot.

You can't unlock it for the money to rain down just by yourself.

In any case, I broke my ankle.

Okay, so Scott's moment.

Because you thought it was a sprain of some kind.

I thought it was a sprain.

You kind of just, you, you did.

I was walking around for six days.

The next morning after the show, I was like, I'm going to go into the doctor.

Went in.

It's a time.

Six days with that, I would say, is pretty intense.

It was okay because because it was broke.

It hurt all that much.

It wouldn't be a big deal to me.

Oh, yeah.

I guess if I broke a bone and just let it hang, I'd be fine.

Yeah.

Also, it's a tiny bone.

It's like sticking out of my arm.

Which is what I said to cool up.

It's a tiny bone.

Also, it's a tiny bone.

And that's what she said.

That's what she said to cool up.

That's what she said to you when she saw it.

That's what I said to her.

So

I'm in a boot for a couple of weeks.

Look, by the time this comes out, we'll be on tour.

Hopefully, I'm out of the boot by the time I got it.

What a curse you have on your ankle that you had.

No.

And you have a boot.

I did a whole tour in a boot.

Yes.

And in a walking boot.

I remember, it was gross.

It was gross.

And then

when I got back, my foot doctor said, what the fuck are you doing?

You could have permanently damaged your foot because I just was in the boot that they gave me in Chicago and then I just completed the tour.

Did the doctor actually say the F-word?

Yeah.

I would be thrilled if my doctor cursed like that.

Yeah.

It would be good.

Yeah.

Look, it's fucking like.

Can I tell you a doctor?

You just fucking can.

This is all fucked up.

Yeah.

yeah.

Your bones are fucked up, dude.

I went to my ophthalmologist the other day

because

I have a thing where

the pigment in my eye.

Your eyes bulge out whenever you see a pigment.

Ophthalmologist.

Yeah, my tongue is also an issue.

Ophthalmologist is a doctor who

not optometrist.

No.

Optometrist.

That's more vision.

Ophthalmologist is more the inner working of the health.

The eye itself.

Exactly.

And they take a picture of your eye looks like a foreign planet.

But they do that at my optometrist.

Just so you know.

Yeah, that mine too.

Okay.

So do they cover both sides of the cell?

But all they could, maybe

that's the same thing for me.

But when they do that, when your optometrist does it, they say, you got to go to an ophthalmologist.

Oh,

this makes it a good thing.

All we can do is look at it and say it's fucked up.

Got it.

So your optometrist went, I can't even help you, dear.

You must go see an ophthalmologist.

And then the ophthalm does the same tests, or they just look at the actual.

Because those cost money, you know.

They do.

Oh, yes, I do.

They always ask when I'm in there, they're like, do you want to pay the extra $150 for this test that you really should have?

They literally make me.

Yeah.

They hold me down and they say, we're going to put in your...

My ophthalmologist grabs me by the ankles, turns me upside down, and shakes the money out of my pockets.

I always have to get dilated

first.

It's so exciting.

Well,

I had to get dilated recently when I went.

I do want to hear your story.

I'm just.

Your vagina?

Hold on.

Really?

Really?

Dilate?

You were dilated?

How many centimeters?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't even get me started on that.

But I start, please, Lauren.

Start.

Pupils.

And

I had to drive and go somewhere and go do a bunch of people.

Did they tell you you can't drive, I thought.

Well, you said I could, but I had to wear these little plastic glasses.

I love those.

It makes me laugh so much.

And then I was trying to look at my phone and I couldn't even see.

While you were driving?

Well, no.

At a gas station, because I was out of gas.

And with the prices of gas these days, it was like, I can't even pay for the doctor.

But I couldn't even see what it was interesting, though, because I never tried to look at a phone while my eyes were dilated.

And it was like I couldn't even see what was on the screen.

So you couldn't even recognize it as a phone.

And then you were like, oh, wait, this is my cat.

I was.

Yeah.

I was.

That seems scary to me.

I could see everything driving-wise.

There was no issue with that.

It was more like a car.

The highway, cars, spray lights, everything.

But I was careful, and they told me it was fine.

I had to drive home from the foot doctor, by the way, and they put me in this boot.

Which foot is it?

It's the right foot.

Your gas.

you're gasping yeah the one that you yes how do you have the boot in there and then you gotta well that's the thing so so they're putting the boot on me and i'm like i think this figures into the story

i was like can i drive and the the the first person who is lower by the way i saw probably

10 10 layers of types of doctors from the very top the person who i came to see what and then someone and then like someone under then there was obviously a hierarchy of like 10 people so the lowest of the low person putting on the boot.

You have some VIP foot that I am not aware of?

No, I'm just saying.

The lowest of the low.

I'm just saying like you're gonna put on.

Do you want?

I hope they don't listen.

I'm just saying when you go in, like a black space.

When you go in, you're used to like

talking to someone who's lower than the doctor.

And then the doctor comes in.

And then you say, let me see your mouth.

I used to see them as being lower.

There were obviously like there were people shadowing people.

There were...

Why are you saying there?

Oh, I hate that.

There were the people who were like obviously only in charge of doing the menial tasks.

But I said, there were so many many people who came in some people just came in looked in on my room and went huh and then like popped their head back out probably just doing a tour of the hospital or they maybe they were told there was a really weird man in there yeah

i hate when you're like you're the doctor's uh brings a guy in is like look at this freak yeah and then they just go just go in and look at pretend you're looking for something else so i'm at the ops though wait what about the conclusion of my story well no we don't

inception did no so this to answer the question of how did i drive so she's putting 50 she's putting the boot on me.

And I go, so how do I, can I drive with this?

She goes, yeah, it's a pay.

Anytime you drive, you have to take it off.

It's a pain.

And I said, oh, okay.

And then the next guy who's a higher up than her comes in to like make sure it's all done correctly.

And I go, so she said I could drive with this.

And he goes, No.

He goes, this is like a cast.

Keep it on.

Don't drive.

So, but I had to drive home from

it was in Santa Monica, so I just was very.

Do you know why I was done with that story?

It's because you told me it the other day.

Oh, right.

But Lauren hadn't heard.

She had hanging questions.

This was what Lauren hadn't heard.

I was done and yet didn't know what it was at all or where I was going.

I'm done with this.

Goodbye.

Oh, for the best of the bad.

So I got a best of the desk.

But so you just put your shoes back on and pretended you hadn't been to the doctor and then you got home.

Well, I did it barefoot, but yeah, I

took that's the worst.

Like an old hillbilly.

Wait, you're not supposed to drive barefoot?

No, I know, like Taddy Smith said I could dance that way.

Sometimes if I if I have to

How many hates?

We're both beatering out at the same time.

That was lovely.

It was beautiful.

Whenever I've had to move my car from the street into the driveway and I'm just like, man, I don't know if she's going to just go out and do it.

What's that?

Just keep it in the driveway.

I can't because sometimes I have to let my wife out of there.

No, don't let her out.

She lives in the garage.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And I keep it blocked.

And then sometimes like, oh, she's going to blow.

And I got to let her out.

But I'll get out.

I'll go walk out of the house with my bare feet and get in the the car, and it feels so weird.

It doesn't feel right at all.

That's how we all started, though.

When you put your feet on the gas,

it doesn't feel good.

I wonder if the first came in and put their feet in the fire and were like, oh, ouch, ouch.

That's then they were like, let's spread the word through images on the walls.

The defeat, the feet do not belong in fire.

They invented the circle with a line through it.

Yeah.

Like guest posters.

I'm at the ophthalm, and

my regular ophthal is not there.

Oh, no.

And so it's a young woman, Dr.

Rose.

Someone beneath.

Well, no, an associate.

Okay, fine.

I don't know.

Associate is under 12, maybe?

His name is on the door.

Scott would say this is the lowest of the low.

But she's a doctor.

No, she's probably second tier.

She outranked me.

So what could I say?

She's an associate, but her name's not on the door.

She's second tier.

She's like in charge while your regular doctor, he sure is away.

Of course.

Yes.

But this doctor was a woman.

Whoa.

The old riddle.

And so

she is first, she tells me, like, she does all the tests and everything.

Oh, so the problem that I have is the pigment in my eye

like breaks off

and rubs against part of my eye and it causes pressure and that could lead to glaucoma.

But what does that mean?

The pigment of your eyes.

It literally means like the part that makes the color.

Whoa, which is not what I see when I look at you.

It's something within the eye.

Would you trade all that pigment?

You're not seeing like little pieces of brown break off.

That's what I was worried about.

Would you do like...

I'm worried about it too.

Would you say, get rid of the pigment?

I'll have clear eyes.

Clear eyes.

Remember Ben Stein?

Of course.

Oh, no.

Why did he say clear eyes?

He was a good person.

Because clear eyes was the drops.

He had, you know, a booming career at a later age.

Yeah.

And now he's done.

Where is he?

Is that part of Lawrence Topics?

Yeah, that is one of the things.

Jeez, I can't get into it.

Lawrence Topics is talking about Ben Stein's career.

It's trivia from Lawrence Topics.

I wanted to go in depth on his career, but I'll do it in Lawrence Topics.

Oh, okay.

Still feels like good of you to me.

Win Ben Stand's Money.

Of course, Ferris.

Clear Eyes commercials, which we already covered.

Oh, he was one of the writers in Soap Dish.

He's in the Soap Apple Writing Room.

And you'll find him in all sorts of films back then, doing all sorts of interesting roles.

It's true.

But he made a living out of being low-key, you know, and he was the first to say low-key, high-key.

And then

who else made a living out of low-key?

Tom Hitleman.

My dear friend.

Congratulations to him and

Fiance.

And of course, we all know.

Yeah, who's he?

I saw them on Broadway.

I can't remember her name, but she was, uh, it was her and Daredevil and him.

And they were Broadway in Betrayal.

Were they all playing?

He was playing Loki.

There was Daredevil and then her.

Daredevil from the Netflix show?

Yeah, yeah.

Charlie Cox.

Charlie Cox.

Yeah.

Okay.

So

then what happened?

My pressure is good, but she said

you need

your eyes are dry, so I'm going to give you some artificial tears.

And I'm like, what am I, Jennifer Anastom?

Yeah.

And then she told me that I have to clean my eyelids.

Oh.

With who?

With wipes.

There's special wipes together.

Don't clean.

The outside of your eyelids.

Yes.

Oh, the outside of your eyelids?

Yes.

Not the inside.

No.

You mustn't do it.

Well, why do you need to clean?

That's the outside of your eye.

I don't understand how that's affecting anything.

She said, because nobody cleans their eyelids.

Oh, this is just a separate topic.

She's like, hey, you're saying some wipes.

She's like, I'm completely flabbergasted.

And then she said, I'll show you you how to do it.

Do you wash my face?

And she, I wash my face too.

Do you use eye makeup remover?

So she says, I guess I never thought about, am I really getting in there?

Well, yeah, I think men might have less of it, or people who don't wear makeup.

Yeah.

So she's like, let me show you how to do this.

This freak just wants to touch people's eyelids.

Well, I didn't mind it because

she didn't.

This freak likes it.

You do it like this.

And she, it was like a little tiny spa treatment where she took this one.

It sounds super relativistic.

She gently wiped

to each other during this show.

Are they called those man wipes?

For men.

They did have a picture of one ball yellow.

And they smelled like axe body spray.

A testicle?

There was no smell.

That's nice.

And that is what I meant.

Just a picture of one ball.

So that was very nice.

Hitler had one ball.

Oh, yeah.

Famous.

There's a list about it.

Hitler had one ball.

Very close.

Hitler.

He only had one ball.

Goering.

He had none at all.

This is what they would do during World War II to keep spirits up.

Is that true?

So they were negging.

I don't know if it's true that Goering had no balls.

But it's the kind of thing you'd sing to have a little fun while these assholes.

They sing it in the movie a separate piece.

You're like, you're trying to commit a genocide?

We'll show you.

Here's a single one.

You only have one ball.

He's like, who cares?

He's going to do whatever I want.

And he's only got half a stash.

I do whatever I want.

Hitler was the original girl boss.

Yeah.

Maybe only having one ball led him to like doing whatever he wanted.

Hey, he's like, as long as I got one ball, I'm going to live my life till I die.

We should all cut off one of our balls.

But here's the other thing that the optimist:

she had to,

she was taking different pictures of my eyes than had been done previously.

And she said, okay, look up.

And then she took her

index finger

and she pulled down

my eye the way you do when you're a little kid to make a scary face.

Side note, I think that people who work with eyes have the cleanest hands in the biz.

You think?

I just picture them washing

day long.

But her hands were very.

she was a slight woman, right?

Small, soft hands.

And it felt so nice.

I don't know why, but it really surprised me.

You got to hire someone to do that.

Jeannie pulls your eyes down.

Not every day.

Just on my birthday.

But I agree.

I think there's a certain kind of touch that makes you go, oh my.

I don't know.

There's something about it.

And then she did, and then she pushed my eyebrow up when I had to look down.

And then the other eye, she did the eyebrow, but she didn't do under the eye.

And I was a little disappointed.

Under the eye.

Well, why did she give up halfway?

I know.

I was looking forward to it.

After she did the first eye, I was like, oh, yay.

Yeah, I went to get my eyes checked, and my eye doctor, so I kind of always go to a different person within there.

I never have actually been to the guy whose name is on the thing.

Right.

You got to see that.

Oh, it's the best.

It's so great.

I strongly like this.

I want this for you.

I want this.

I don't even want it, honestly.

It's like, I don't even know.

No, you deserve it.

Okay, maybe I do.

But I liked the people who helped me out.

And there was a nice gentleman who came in and did my preliminary sort of paperwork, discussing, asking questions, that kind of thing.

Oh, that's seventh tier.

One thing he said that I thought was interesting, and I'll just throw it out there for the listener.

And you can take it or leave it in.

Take it or leave it.

And if you disagree, I don't want to hear it.

But I thought it was kind of interesting.

He asked me if I had any surgeries.

And while I haven't had any surgeries, I did mention having a baby because I was like, I don't know.

Is that something?

And then he was like, actually, I'm really glad you said that because.

God's original surgery.

Yeah.

Because I want to know how babies are.

Because God is a bad person.

Would he show me down there?

He has to look at my third eye.

It's blinking.

He said, I can't.

He said

that

babies, they have new technology.

Basically, I have horrible vision.

What big technology do babies have?

What do babies have?

Let me tell you.

Let me tell you.

So when I was in, my vision started going bad when I was in second grade and I needed glasses.

And ever since it's gotten progressively worse my entire life, I have horrible vision.

But he said,

there's a new thing, and I don't, of course, I don't remember the name, but I could figure it out.

Glasses.

But there's new treatments for little kids that help them so that if they get glasses as a baby, it can prevent all this stuff from happening later.

It can just make their eyes stay better longer.

And so he said babies should actually be checked at the one-year mark, and then you don't have to come back until they're three.

But a lot of times they'll say, Your doctor, so he said,

Yeah, he said,

Your doctor might say, like, they're checking in nuts enough.

He's like, actually, we, he's like, you can go anywhere you want.

I'm not trying to upsell you.

Checking your nuts enough?

I don't even know what I said, but they check it and they say that's enough.

But

he said, I don't care if you go here or go some brass.

I'm not trying to upcharge you on that.

I don't give a shit.

He's trying to like.

I'm just telling you, you should.

I don't care if you go to hell or you just die.

They'll find out if they need glasses and little babies in glasses.

Wow.

Little babies in glasses is so cute.

I know.

And I thought that was very good information.

They should do that with Viagra.

So you don't have to to have Viagra as an older man.

You take it when you're younger.

It's like kind of

like instead.

So there was a doctor who came in.

She was a woman.

She was fantastic.

Awesome.

Before that happened, that man was having an issue with the computer, and he brought in a younger fellow who wasn't talking about mic.

This is eighth tier.

He was another doctor.

Oh, computers, for sure.

But he knew, but he was a son of the main doctor.

But he knows.

Oh, sorry, this is ninth tier.

Sorry.

The doctor is a woman?

No, the main doctor is a man who I don't know.

He has a son who has the same last name who works at the the doctor.

Because the woman doctor, her son has been in an accident.

Yes.

And she's operating.

And that doctor came in and fixed the computer.

And then he kind of made a joke about how he's like the resident.

Where do you like slap the side of it?

Yay, blew in it.

And

he was very nice.

And then I found out that my doctor is his wife.

And I was like, what is this?

Why?

It's a family of family.

Family of doctors.

I love.

Wife, husband, and dad.

So he made the joke that he's the everyone asks him to fix.

Yeah, because he's like the guy who understands.

And he understands all the computer.

I always think it's interesting when someone cobalts into the same field as their parents.

Like it makes sense when like, okay, my parents or my, you know, they've owned this factory and they're giving me a job.

And even though I hate plastics, I get to be just the boss and not have to worry, you know, like that kind of stuff.

But when someone's like, oh, I want to study the exact same thing, maybe you're getting help

by your parents.

My dentist's daughter is also a dentist at his practice.

Right.

And I think that's great.

Yeah.

There's something really nice about it to me.

Let me ask you this question.

Are there any children of actors who don't go into acting?

I don't know.

Oh, a million.

There's so many probably.

Don't.

Yeah.

There's so many, but we just hear about the ones who do.

There's a trillion.

First person who came to mind, Diane Keaton.

How many children to share?

But you know, George Michael.

That's not his last name.

He took his name from Diane Keaton.

Which is such a bold move.

To name yourself after another celebrity and then become a celebrity?

If your name is already a celebrity name and you're like, well, I can't, he's already got mine.

Like, I'm just like, it'll be Lauren Cruz.

I almost changed my name.

Why not?

Scott J.

Fox.

Yeah.

That would have been really weird.

I'm sure I've told this story before, but tell it again, Lauren.

I love it.

We had a piano teacher when I was, does this ring a bell?

Do Remi Faso Latido?

Yeah.

Piano?

We had a piano teacher who would come to our house, and I think he was probably a college student, but he seemed really old to me because I was five or something.

I don't remember this, but keep going.

I want to hear it.

He always, he had like kind of greasy, like long hair.

And then he was like, he was a greaser, or his hair was.

Yeah, he was just that.

And then he would go like, and like, he would like sniff and like move his hair out of the way while he was playing.

I remember.

That's all I remember.

And I barely did piano, but he changed his name to my brother's name.

Oh, you did, Delosis.

Yeah.

I don't remember this.

He just was, I think he was like, I just always liked that name, and that's my name.

And it was like, wow.

You cannot tell us.

It's like,

whoever you were before, you still are that because you're teaching piano to children in their home.

We stopped soon after.

It's a very weird thing.

Also, if you're changing your name, just go like,

lie about the reason you're changing it.

Not just like, oh, I'm teaching your son piano, and I really like that name, so I'm going to change my name to your son's name.

I know.

I just say, like, oh, this is my grandfather's name.

And then people go, oh, what a coincidence.

Where is my middle name?

You just cannot do it.

I would say just keep calling yourself whatever the fuck you were until you were.

You remember what his name used to be?

No.

So you think every person should just keep their own name that they're going to be i do not think that at all weird lauren that's absolutely wow one million percent not what i'm saying but for the josh hawley who walked into my home and changed his name to my brother's name i would say you are odd that is very weird yeah all right let's take a break

It's back to school season.

Back to school season, little boys and girls.

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I'm Hussin Minhaj, and I have been lying to you.

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And we're back.

I know I am.

I think Lauren's back.

Now she's started typing, even though she's not looking at it.

It's about Paul.

My mom texted me

and said, I was in the car listening to Paul talk about asking Jeannie to marry him.

It was a fun story.

Why did you

say that voice out or something?

No, I was in the car with her.

Was it on?

Was it a.

She should have rides.

What?

We go for rides a lot.

I mean, was it on Sirius X-Feminine?

One of your sisters.

How did she complete that sentence, though?

She said it was.

Oh, she said.

I didn't see it.

I want to hear if she liked it or not.

I read it, it but you didn't hear yeah i heard it it was a fun story fun story it was a fun story oh good uh it definitely was in my stand-up um

and me i don't know where she was hearing it serious x unlikely she listens to that that's pretty likely if it was on your if you recorded it on an album oh maybe she did hear it on freedom but i i just highly doubt wait to get that money

good luck um no but she uh she loves serious and she listens to a lot of stand-up on there it's so wild that you have to like as an artist they should call it funny You have to instead of serious.

Yeah, but spelled funny.

I wouldn't say everything on there is funny.

Well,

for the comedy channels,

you know how Netflix changed it to Netflix is a joke?

Yeah.

When they put out all those Dave Chappelle's stand-up specials.

Yeah.

Sirius should do that with

insane funny stuff.

They should say seriously.

I have a story for you.

Seriously, funny.

Sirius is a joke, because that would be kind of just interesting.

Exactly.

Sirius is a joke.

Sirius, like Netflix, is a joke.

It's serious as a funny heart attack.

Yeah.

We have some notes, by the way.

You have to,

like, there's this system in place where you have to chase down your own money, and then they have to act like, and then they just get to act like, oh, yeah, here you go.

That's nuts.

Oh, yeah.

We were waiting for you to ask.

Every time you have a stand-up bit that airs on Sirius, how are you supposed to know?

Exactly.

Yeah.

Exactly.

You have to constantly, you have to pay someone to constantly listen to Siri.

And that turns into into a lot of money.

Yeah.

So you're paying my mom now, I guess.

Yes.

She's one of my agents.

And then I have a lot of people, people listen in shifts.

That has happened, though, like when you're in commercials.

But in different time zones.

You're supposed to get paid every time they air the commercial.

And I have a lot of friends who, you know, like.

I've said to them, hey, I just saw your commercial.

They're like, oh, I'm not getting paid for that again.

Let me know exactly where you saw it.

There is a

faculty.

There's a website called iSpot.tv that tells you when and where you're at.

This is a commercial, by the way, for iSpot TV.

If it's so pay us, at least there used to be that.

I don't know.

I haven't looked in many years, but I.

Now it's probably a chip in your brain.

I'm sure it is.

Boy.

Boy.

They're all controlling us.

I'd like to be controlled.

Would you really?

You want to be a robot?

Go flex yourself.

How's that?

Halfway to robot.

Here's what you need to do.

You need to have another boot on your foot.

And it just tells me where to go.

Yeah.

Like, I don't even know where I'm going.

I just suddenly get up and start walking some days.

That would be cute if you had another boot on your foot.

If you had two boots.

And we call you Scotty two boots, the robot?

And then you tried to walk upstairs.

You kept falling down flat.

Oh, my God.

No,

it should keep you up.

Okay.

Did you, when you were a kid, did you have stairs?

Were they carpeted?

And did you try to slide down them?

One million bajillion percent.

Of course I did.

And we'd even, at my aunt's house, we'd put,

we'd throw all the stuffed animals down, make a big pad at the bottom of the pad at the bottom of the crash pad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then get in sleeping bags.

Hurt themselves.

Oh, it hurts.

It hurts.

Get in sleeping bags

and push down, and it hurts, and it's not great.

Or write a blanket.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Neither of those are good.

I want to carpet some stairs in my home that I want to be.

Oh my god, get the world stairs.

Let me bid on this.

All right.

I'll underbid them.

All right.

I just want to hang out with you guys.

Aww.

During the lunch break.

We had carpeted stairs, and then at one point,

the carpet was ripped up, and we put just like little remnants on each step.

So it wasn't like the full.

Right, like a tread.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah, exactly.

So you could not slide down that.

It hurt like hell.

I go.

Because my office is downstairs, I'm the one using those stairs most of the time.

And I've become very...

Oh, because you put that no girls allowed sign.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Smart.

Smart.

Except every once in a while.

But every time I walk down those stairs, because they are slippery,

I become.

And there's nothing that can be done about that?

I become just very.

Well, they say pour vinegar on it or something.

Did you slide down with your head hitting every step?

No, I just have become.

I put molasses on there.

It'll get nice and sticky.

I'm not cavalier ever.

I've made a decision to never be cavalier about walking down the stairs.

Just like, you know, dump it up.

Every single time I walk down now, I'm very just cognizant about holding very tightly to the handrail.

Yeah, sometimes.

It's a tragedy.

Holding my other hand against the

painting.

Just pouring some water.

He's

peeing while I tell this.

It comes out in such thick gold.

I call it porry water.

Thick ropes.

Or thick ropey pee.

My arcing ropes of urine.

Urine.

But I just know how your life can be.

You have a rule of your own ends just like that.

Or your life can be suddenly changed.

I'm sure I've said this before.

I think...

often about when is the next time I'm going to fall?

Like have a bad fall.

No, stop.

Like trip over something and just like fucking wipe out.

I'm knocking on wood.

I know.

Well, I mean, just having this boot on, it's like, your life can just be fucked.

I mean, it sapped me of the will to live.

Wow.

You were on a thin thread already.

This is all it took breaking a tiny bone in my ankle.

And now I'm like, I'm out.

Yeah.

How tiny is the bone?

I don't know.

What's tiny to you?

A penny.

It's round and flat, like a penny.

It has Abraham Lincoln on it.

How many round, flat bones do you think we have in the human body?

I would say the knuckles are all round and flat.

Yep.

Check us out.

10 of those.

They're not round and flat.

Wait, let me see your knuckles.

They're not flat.

Oh my gosh.

Lauren's.

Knuckles are

oblong.

Holy shit.

Paul and I have flat ones.

Look.

Oh, when you hold it like that, I see.

This is good podcasting.

I am still staring at her.

I'm not high, but hands are wild.

Yeah.

Hands are crazy.

And feet, when like it's so feet are normal.

It's so crazy.

Hands are sick when you think about it.

Oh, you maniac.

He's spilling the water everywhere.

It's because I forgot my.

This is what happens when you forget.

I know.

And I thought I forgot my bottle, but I didn't.

And so I guess I am better than you.

Laura and I, for one brief second, we were the same.

Can I do a round recap?

Yeah.

I got a couple important orders of business.

Important.

This is a month after, by the way, or something.

Oh, fuck it.

No, no, it's just like, it's four weeks from now.

Or three weeks.

Whatever.

All I want to say, maybe four weeks is a good time to start tuning into the Bachelorette because they'll have weeded out a bunch of the guys.

We got two Bachelorettes this season, which I will say has rejuvenated the entire series.

It is totally fresh.

There's going to be totally new drama as they get down to fewer guys and there's like more competition or less competition.

It's just,

we call it.

Yeah, fewer competition.

It's getting very interesting already.

I was way more engaged.

There's only been one episode.

But I'm saying the first episode is usually the worst.

Oh, okay.

But I said it was better than normal.

And by the way, I looked at my phone the entire time, but I'm saying it was so pretty.

Then what happened next would shock anyone?

A new show came on, and I stayed to watch it live.

Oh,

Joe Jonas?

Or not Joe Jonas?

Nick,

Kevin.

Gogonis.

Kevin Jonas and the unknown Jonas.

It's called Claim to Fame.

Say a prayer for him.

It's all on Hulu.

Or it's going to be on Hulu, but I think you all have four episodes now, I guess.

Really fun show.

I thought it was going to be not interesting.

It's the premise is that family members of famous people, so like a cousin, a grandson, a sister, whatever, are the people who live in the house.

Brother, another person.

Nobody knows who they're related to, but they have to try to guess who your celebrity relative is with clues and all these different things that happen.

It's a race of the people.

And

it's really fun.

I thought it would be really silly, but I hate to admit it, but that's the first time you're going to be able to do it.

The first episode had a great ending.

I'm totally on board.

Don't spoil it because I taped it.

No, I'm totally on board.

It's on Hulu, too.

Spoil it for me, though.

You would think.

I'm never going to watch it.

You would think Frankie Grande would be one of the hosts of this.

Frankie goes to Grande?

Frankie.

Frankie orders Grande at Starbucks?

He's the lesser-known Jonas, so he's the perfect co-host.

No, I get it, but like Frankie Grande made a whole career out of being Ariana Grande's brother on Big Brother.

Right.

He was the little brother on Big Brother.

Anyway, never mind.

Anyway, it's really fun.

They tell you who some of the relatives are as the viewer, but some you don't know.

So you get to still try to keep guessing.

And so there was one in the first episode that they all thought this one guy was related to, and it was very fun.

And I was like, that's probably right.

And then it's a fun ending with that.

Is this an ad?

I wish it was.

If they want to pay me, I'll talk about it.

Please, ABC, come to us.

We'll talk about whatever you want to talk about.

We'll talk about the fucking rookie.

You know, I love ABC.

I'm a big fan of A Million Little Things as well.

By the way, speaking of the rookie, I saw some article that said it was Nathan Fielder is the king of cringe comedy.

And I thought it said Nathan Phillian.

And I was looking at it going like trying to figure out.

I was like, when is it going to be comedy?

The rookie is not it what are we talking dr horrible sing-along blog there's a lot of there's a lot of cringe comedy in the rookie though i and i love nathan fillian but i was just really trying to parse this and go like why are they making this wild claim and then it turns out you're dumb yeah well the phone was far away from my eyes but i will you know what i recently read a headline that also shocked

this was a headline about uh alan hale about a woman skipper a woman who's an interior decorator and then it said like her home is a fever dream of patterns and then i went and looked at the walls.

She had three shades of white on her walls.

She was like, I use three different shades of white.

And then it was like, she makes things that are gingham.

And they're cute.

But it was like, it wasn't crazy.

No.

It wasn't a fever dream.

It's not like the Madonna in or anything.

No, well, yeah.

There's so many ways you could have a billion patterns in a room.

I was like, this is not that.

And she didn't claim to be that, the author.

When phrases like that get so overused, it really,

it's so, it's wearying.

Yeah, I'm just like, oh, wow, I'm going to look at something crazy right now.

The hyperbole is.

What am I looking at?

It made you click on it, though.

Well, it's certainly there.

And I almost bought something from our website.

That doesn't

fever dream patterns.

How close did you get to buying something?

Really close, but it was a little overpriced.

And I was like, do I really need this?

Were you hovering over the

clicker?

And it was a tissue box cover, which I haven't looked, but I've been looking for it.

You've been looking for a tissue box cover.

Why do you not like the actual tissue box?

Because they make the tissue boxes themselves in these nice patterns.

No, they suck.

I like tissue boxes.

I want it to look

to to look great in my room.

I would buy a tissue box cover.

I just haven't found one that I love.

If it were like taupe or something like that.

What about peanut?

This one is, this one is,

she makes all ginkgo patterns and they're really cute.

What would happen is it would be a fever dream of pattern if I put it in my bathroom, which I would like because I have wallpaper.

You want that fever dream.

I like that.

Your bathrooms are crazy.

I can barely shit in them, but I try.

But it's very good.

Why can't you sneak in?

Because that is creepy.

I shit in every bathroom in your house.

I don't know if you know that.

I don't know that.

It's actually weird because you've never been inside.

Oh, no, you have.

I think I went inside once.

You have been inside.

Does Holly miss me?

Yeah, she's not.

I would love that so much.

Oh, my God.

Wait, how do they test baby's vision?

Look, I don't know, but he said they do.

That seems like they're just happening to me.

Well, I think there's probably a lot of people.

I think it looks like a noise, where a noise came from.

That's like, ah, she could see.

You know what?

I'll find out because I'm going to do it.

You're going to do it yourself?

I'm going to do it tonight.

I'm going gonna look online how to do it no i'm gonna take her in i'll take her in i'll take her in what happened are you doing the water safety stuff well i know she she swam the first time and she likes the bolts she likes your first

call you retweeted that thing the other day the video of the guy throwing his

that was crazy

but that's what i understand why that's beneficial there was a bit the comment the comments In that thread, there's like just a debate going on.

Yeah, it's a pretty intense toss.

It's a water safety video.

Did you post it or you just sent it?

I just retweeted it.

That's all I did.

What's up?

Don't shoot the messenger.

Don't shoot the reverse engineer.

No, because people can see it on your page.

I've heard it's good to do, but they, but the other video underneath it is of the younger, the eight-month-old.

Oh, no.

But I've heard it's good of like.

No, it is good.

They teach them to like get on their back.

No, it's great.

I think it's great.

I haven't done it yet.

We've taken her.

Now she's been in like three or four pools.

She went to Lance Bass's pool, not to brag, but she also.

Because I have friends with him, and I went to his his house on Memorial Day.

How's his?

Um, it's great, it has a great view.

Really?

Of what?

Of what?

I can't say.

I'm very dear friends with Joey Fatwon.

We're best friends.

I see him all the time.

Chris Kirkpatrick and I are acquaintances.

Well, that being said, she also went in the pool at Disneyland.

I'm friends with the movie.

We would give away his location if you said what the view was.

What is it of

like

which city?

Paris, France.

No, I wouldn't dare to describe what I saw.

It's like eyes wide shut in there.

So she likes pools.

She loves it.

She's very peaceful.

She baths.

She loves bats.

She loves bats every day.

Is she an Aquarius?

She's not, but she loves the bats.

I think, yeah.

So, yeah, maybe she's an Aquarius.

Did you read that?

I don't know what it was a post on, but I saw it on Twitter where it was a woman asking for advice on Reddit or something saying, I don't understand what's going on, but we did a DNA test on our, my husband and I did a DNA test on our baby, and it's not my husband's, and I've never cheated on him, and he's, he's very upset with me.

That makes no sense.

This is wrong, though.

He's very, he's very upset with me.

He

almost wouldn't let me into the house, but he did let me into the house.

Now he's letting me into the house and come and said he apologizes, but he's still upset.

And I keep trying to say, I've never cheated.

I never cheated.

And then there's a fall, you know, there's advice advice and then there's a follow-up where she goes and now I've taken now we've checked my DNA and it's not my DNA either what

the hospital gave the wrong baby

and then there's a bunch of people underneath saying like

this is why

We either never let the baby out of our sight when we gave birth.

We always like followed them wherever they took the baby or they have some sort of bracelet thing that like makes a musical tone

that

hello.

No, but I mean, they have they put the bracelet on them that that's identifying the baby, right?

I don't know exactly what it, but but several people were like, Yeah, this is why this happens, this is why this happens.

That is nothing

but how often does it happen?

I don't know, and I mean, why did they do the DNA test?

There must have been a question at some point because I don't think it was a microservice.

They were 23 and 80.

Yeah, so I don't know what it was about, but but yeah, wow, nightmare.

And then they're like, was I a dog?

They thought that it was half terrier.

And her husband was pissed.

Well, also, this woman, she's like had the baby for, I don't know, say five years or whatever.

She's

like, that's so long.

Now I'm afraid someone's going to take

her away.

Yeah.

But I also want

my real baby as well.

Yeah, it's just a fucked up situation.

That's insane.

That's so insane.

Wow.

Yeah.

But then the other family should know too, because that's so.

Yeah.

But, God, what are you supposed to do?

What do you do in that situation?

I think you have to live next door.

If you're the president of the United States of America, what do you do?

But then you'd have jealousy.

If you're Biden.

Hey, jealousy.

Do you remember there was a Warner Brothers cartoon?

You know, those one-off, they would do like one-off cartoons every once in a while that were not the main characters.

Bunny took the DNA test.

He was not the father.

And Porky Pig said, you are not the father.

I wasn't going to do it.

You aren't going to do the stutter?

No.

Have we canceled Porky Pig?

Stutter or a stammer?

Oh, that's a good question.

What's the diff?

Well, Bob Newhart.

You're doing a stammer.

A stammer.

A stammer is more like

this.

Yeah.

Bob Newhart.

Bob fucking Newhart.

D fucking in.

That is what I was doing.

Oh, great.

Deep fucking in.

So there was a cartoon where.

Bob Newhart famously Paul Britton's uncle.

Oh, yeah.

What?

Oh, I could see it.

I could see the resemblance, actually.

And they have a very dry.

I had no idea.

And dry eyes.

They need artificial tears.

That's cool.

We need Dr.

Rojas.

Oh, Dr.

Rojas.

We miss you.

Is it his uncle or his great uncle?

Zuncle.

Okay.

I don't know because you're the one that's all.

I just wanted to say Zuncle.

I would say Zuncle.

Zuncle.

Is it your uncle?

Is that your uncle, Paul?

So this cartoon,

a baby gets switched to the hospital with an alien baby.

And the parents are like, well,

the baby is green and everything.

And the parents are just like, well, I guess this is our baby.

And they had, there were seems, there were two babies, uh, the alien baby and the, the human baby, and they had little bracelets on.

And one said, boy, and the other said, yob.

And all I remember, I remember like dimly the father being sort of perplexed by the, what the baby was doing.

And then at the end, the baby like is reclaimed by the alien parents or something.

And I remember the cartoon ends with the father falling out of a building.

The human father?

The human father saying,

screaming, Yob, Yob, give me back my yob.

What?

And then he wakes up.

It was a dream.

That's awesome.

Or was it because then the human baby does a weird thing?

Wow.

Yeah.

Falling out of the building.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Like

a skyscraper.

He's falling to his death.

Nightmare.

Yob.

Give me back my yob.

Yeah.

Scary.

Should we make three of them t-shirts?

Yob, yob, give me back my yob.

Yeah, sure.

Well, it's already become our catchphrase.

Is it in public domain now?

I haven't said it yet, but I feel like I will say it once.

It's already our catchphrase.

Yob, yob, give me back my yob.

Yob, yob, give me back my yob.

Give me back my son.

Oh, give me back my job.

My show.

When we saw Ransom at the beginning,

when we saw ransom at the Centerama Dome, were you there, Paul?

I think you were.

John Matto was there or something.

I honestly don't remember if I've seen that movie.

After the movie, we all were in the lobby, and I think John said, Give me back my money.

It sounds about right.

I just remember that anytime I think of that movie, which is not often

enough.

No, yeah.

I do remember when we went to see Con Air and we all wore orange jumpsuits.

We all wear, because we are convicts, we all bought orange jumpsuits and we arrived together.

Yes, and people were delighted.

The people we knew.

No, but people in people in the

strangers were delighted.

Yeah, yeah.

People were not delighted when we saw Batman and Robin, and we just laughed at how bad it was the entire time.

And there was a woman in a Batman t-shirt who yelled at us afterwards.

She was like, you ruined that movie.

His parents were murdered.

Oh my God.

All right, let's take a break.

Okay.

There's so much advice out there.

And all we want to do as parents is get it right.

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Yob, yob, where's my yob?

Bring back my yob.

It's a long shirt at this point.

Well, it's more of a night shirt.

Well, you got an Ebenezer screw.

Oh, I love that.

Let's bring that back.

Yeah, and a big long nightcap, too.

Yeah.

It goes all the way down to the night.

Why don't we just do that but have it say threedom?

That seems impractical.

Can we make a really long nightgown and a nightcap and it says threedom?

It's funny.

I think it would be cute.

No other podcast is doing that.

No, I know.

It's an untapped market.

I don't think anyone is making custom nightcaps for sure.

They go down to the crack of your ass.

They can't go down.

That's impractical for sleeping.

That's impractical for sleeping.

You just tuck it into the

strangle yourself.

Your pajama waistband.

It's going to get pulled off.

Strangle yourself.

Oh, God, that would be horrible if we made those and someone strangled themselves in Jesus.

Oh, when I was, I remember when I was a kid, there was, this is before this shit got outlawed.

This is before you were an adult.

but there was yeah before that got outlawed there was a uh do you remember the micronauts yeah um were they

tiny tiny teeny tiny um

hold on

astronauts the toys themselves were not as small as you would think no they were not um micro machines yeah no with a commercial and famously narrated by john machinery jr i loved how small those were they were micro that was really funny you didn't need a microscope to see them no but they were pretty in the palm of a child's hand interestingly enough I think I had some, but the main reason I knew them is because they were Marvel comics and they were integrated into the actual Marvel universe where and they were licensed property where now you can't reprint any of any because they would interact with the X-Men stuff.

Right, right.

They can't be reprinted anymore because the micronuts, other than the ones they created for the comic book, are not able to be reprinted.

So it's like, and those are lost forever.

That news ruins my day.

They were a cool choice.

I'm so sorry.

Should I call Mike?

Yeah, I'd be right home.

That news ruins my day.

They were very cool toys, though.

And they each had their own.

They had a lot of articulation points.

But I remember

Baron Karza was the bad guy.

Oh.

He was like this black and red dude.

He was very sinister looking, but he had fists that you could shoot.

Oh, I love that.

You would like press it.

There was like a little trigger in his.

Oh, absolutely lose.

On day one.

But of course, the danger was swallow, and that's why

they outlawed that.

I read that it was a Battlestar Galactica toy

that caused that.

There they are.

You can get up.

There's the game.

I used to save that for $218.

I mean, it's...

Me and my brothers, we loved them.

It sucks that you can't make cool stuff, but it's even one child dying.

It's just not worth it.

But here's the thing.

Someone pointed out, I saw this post online.

Somebody pointed out that this happened in like 1978 or something.

This kid choked on a projectile from a

and lived.

And so now that kind of thing is outlawed.

But we

still have guns.

It makes no sense.

I mean, tons and tons of guns and guns.

Yeah.

Because politicians don't make money from little toys.

Don't get political on that podcast.

I know.

I'm more of like, I'm in between.

I like, I want to be a girl.

You're not a Democrat.

You're not a Republican.

I wish that we had in this country 100 guns and everyone has shared them.

Yes.

Yeah.

That would be great.

If you had, it was like a library.

And so I think.

Yeah, and you had to check it out at the library, yeah.

Yeah.

And it was, they were in libraries, and if you keep it out too long, you have to pay for it, you have to have a good, you know, record of returning it on time.

That's right.

I remember when they started having CDs that you could check out of the library, and I was shocked because I was like, those aren't books.

And then video and movies, something.

You got your ass kicked after you said that.

But it was just shocking to me the idea that you could

because libraries had always been for books.

Yeah.

No, but they had records in the library.

Well, I mean, maybe.

maybe.

No.

Maybe.

All right.

I think it's time for something called a threech.

There's also maps and stuff in the library.

Maps.

Yeah.

You could borrow a map and a legend and key.

Really?

Maps.

So you could check, or were those things that are like, don't just check it out.

Just like figure out where you want to go.

You can't check for reference.

Figure out where you want to go.

But if you're a driver.

And let us know.

Take a picture.

It'll last longer.

So you could go to the

you didn't have Google.

You'd go to the library, look up how to drive to wherever you want to go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because they didn't sell maps.

No.

God, do you remember the Thomas Guide?

I was going to ask if you remembered it because I've heard so much about it.

I had a Thomas Guide before I learned to drive because I was like, well, one day I'm going to learn to drive.

Right.

And by the time I sat there collecting dust.

Yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely.

Wow.

Yeah.

I used to have to use it to go to auditions and it was so frustrating.

Like trying to figure out how to navigate LA.

Who am I?

Magellan.

Yay.

All right.

Hit us.

Free chair time.

Oh, wait.

Do we have a voicemail, Kev?

Kevin nods.

We do have a voicemail.

I love it.

As always,

our number is HaHa Lightin Pooh.

So easy.

Hey, Scott, Paul, and Lloyd.

Lloyne.

Crocodile crew, pretzel gang, et cetera.

This guy's a fan.

I had an interesting question.

We'll be the joke.

Sorry, this is Michael.

I'm from Kentucky.

Longtime listener.

I was wondering what the most embarrassing thing that you have seen someone do while walking on the sidewalk is, or maybe something embarrassing that you've done.

I mean, we've all walked into a pole or

is there anything comes to the point?

I'm sure I have, by the way.

Okay.

Huh.

Interesting.

Embarrassing things I've seen happening.

I mean, I definitely masturbate, take a shit.

It's humiliating.

I definitely, in Austin, when I was there for South by Southwest, stayed in this cool hotel I remember that had just huge, huge glass as doors and everything as the front of the hotel.

And I definitely like walked full speed right into one of the windows.

Yeah, yeah.

And,

you know, of course, my nose hit the glass two seconds before the rest of my body.

And

just

really, really painful.

And this is in front of a lot of cool hipster people.

And that was embarrassing for me.

The sound it makes when somebody walks into a glass door is it's quite because glass when it also like laughs at you it's like

that would have been a hard one for me to witness because I would have wanted to laugh at you but I would have felt bad so I think I would have been trying not to laugh which but you're a terrible person but see it's hard because I would have just I would have wanted to enjoy my day laughing at you wait wait because my day because you know me you would have wanted to laugh or would you have been concerned if you had if I would have wanted to laugh pretty much whoever it is but I think knowing you would make it funnier And then I would be telling myself it's mean to laugh, so I'd have to stop.

But I would have gone, I just missed out on some really good laughs.

You'll have to laugh at something I just find funny later.

I feel like if I didn't know the person, I wouldn't laugh, but if I did know the person, I would.

I think that's probably the difference.

It's like it's sort of funny if it's someone you don't know because it's like they walk full steam into a glass wall.

There's no reason for them to do that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But if you know them,

I believe I've told my story about the great Sam Neal

not being able to find his way out of

Tower Video when I worked there.

I remember.

We had, so the doors were two glass doors on either side of those were glass panels.

Right.

And so he was leaving the store and he was pushing on one of the glass panels and was so confused why it was not.

He was like,

how did I get in here?

Not angry, right?

No, because I can't ever see him getting angry.

No, he was not, he was very angry at somebody pretending to be him online.

Oh, really?

That was Sam Neil?

Sam Neil Jurassic Park.

You should.

He's a Jurassic Park fan.

Yeah, no, no.

I know who that is.

I thought you were talking about Samoa.

Yeah, he's your co-star from this latest Jurassic Park movie.

Yeah, yeah, my big role.

But we have.

I literally was looking for you and I didn't even see it.

I haven't seen it.

I don't.

But a lot of people have, Scott.

I know.

A lot of people have.

A lot of people have.

I'm not.

But I haven't seen it.

She must be doing something there.

I'm just saying.

I haven't seen it myself and I'm curious to see it.

I'm curious.

In my home, we have.

I'm curious to see that.

In my home, we have,

and don't be scared, phantom screens.

These are screen doors that slide in and out of the wall.

So you don't have to color that.

They're like, they're, what do you call that when a door?

A pocket.

They're like a pocket door.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's four photos.

So they call them phantoms instead of pocket.

It's good.

They're there, but they're not, but they are.

Yes.

And sometimes you forget or don't know that somebody else has done that and you walk through them.

And it's alarming as shit.

But they're designed, they're designed with that in mind.

To be that people do that, so you can put, well, no, no, no, that people are going to fucking walk through them, right?

So you can very easily put them back into place.

Oh, okay.

But we know Sam Neal.

He got it.

Well, we eventually said, oh, no, the door's there.

And he got it.

He was able to escape.

Yes.

I just wondered if he was there.

He doesn't live at Tower Records.

I just wondered if he was still there and if we could go see him.

Oh, I would love to.

I would love to.

I always had his hands pressed up against the glass.

I was thrilled when he came in.

I love that.

Oh, my bad.

I was so excited.

That was one of my favorite.

What is there instead of tower?

Is it still just tower video?

There, you know, how the tower records is still there.

It was a bank the last I checked.

A bank?

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Don't make a bank out of anything.

Tell me about it.

You know what I mean?

So sad that it's a bank now.

Do you know how

Where I used to live after I moved out of there, Kulup and I were so surprised we went back to where you lived in the

video.

No, our old place.

I don't want to give away the location, but it was in tower video.

We went back and we ate.

Suffice to say, there were plenty of videotapes there.

Yeah.

We ate it at a place we used to like.

We went back there like three years later.

And

they had made two Wells Fargo banks across the street from each other.

Sometimes they got to do it because it's hard to cross.

So you have to have one on each side.

Yeah, just the banking and whichever one.

No, they'll have a Starbucks on either side.

They'll have a Chase Bank, Wells Fargo, a who's a what's it?

Johnny Rockets?

Olive Garden?

They would never put two olive gardens facing each other.

That would be wild.

I would just be like, how busy are you?

They're going to sit at each other from across the street.

They have a softball tournament every year.

Using breadsticks as a business.

They have $50 to Olive Garden from the the game show we played.

Oh, that's right.

I have to go use it.

Yeah, go use it.

You have to what?

Why don't you go use it?

I won $50 to Olive Garden at the.

Oh, take us.

Take us.

Yeah, well, I don't.

I used to work there, you know.

Wait, did each individual team member get this?

Oh, okay.

Yes.

Not just you.

And you were supposed to distribute it.

No, no, no, no.

Everyone gets to get it.

That food costs each tip.

It's probably just for you and Mike at this point.

At this point, it is.

But maybe the plan was to go with my team and I'll have.

Oh.

But then you guys had a massive falling out right after that.

You know what?

I'll see if anyone wants to do it.

Maybe we'll make a lunch date.

Which means me and my team will show up there the same night.

Yeah.

We'll treat you this in unlimited breadsticks.

Those are free.

It doesn't mean it's not a treat.

Could you send some breadsticks over to that table?

Yeah, we already did.

We give them to everyone.

No, those aren't free.

Oh, yeah, they are.

Well, there's unlimited soups.

If you order some soup and salad.

If you order something, they're free.

I believe that was.

I don't think you just get them at the table unlimited.

Who's ordering ordering seconds of soup or salad?

I know.

That's the thing.

They give you a big bowl and then you can have multiple services.

Well, see, most of the people, but look, I have experience here.

Defending it.

Family style.

Most people only order,

they don't get refills.

It would be rare.

So you don't eat a whole refill of that fucking salad.

It would be well, the salad, if you're, if you're, because you only put one bowl on the table.

If there are four people, you can put on the table.

So we would do refills of the salad bowl more than we would do soups.

But it would always be weird when someone would go like, I'll have another bowl of soup.

I'm like, can anyone eat two bowls of soup?

Before another meal, especially?

Well, like, what are you, Shrek?

Most people.

Most people going for lunch just would do the soup and salad stuff.

Scott, I'm telling you, from my experience,

I'm not doing that.

And I'm not most people.

You can't lock me in with all your other customers who are dazed and all that.

I hate to disagree with you.

You're so much like those other customers.

No, I'm not.

You're just common life.

Look, we don't have time to do a t-shirt.

You make this.

We don't have time to do three channels.

No, it's fine.

Let's

go.

We got to go.

All right.

Hey, everybody.

Fuck off.

Hey, that's the first and that's our t-shirt.

Or our nuts.

Fuck off.

I would say that the voicemail counts as a three-channel.

Oh, listen, I recently appeared on the Hollywood Handbook podcast.

Oh, great.

My triumphal return.

And they showed me some cameos.

Kevin, can you get me on this?

And did not mention that I'm on cameo, but I am.

Yeah, how's that going?

It's still happening.

It's wild.

It's really wild.

Yeah.

I want to hear more about that off.

I said that sarcastically.

But

they showed, so they showed a Brian cameo from Brian Cox of Succession Fame.

And he literally, if you have not heard the episode, he is literally just reading the list of things that was sent to him about the person.

It's the most, like the least amount of effort you could put into it.

And then at the end, he says, and if anyone gets in your face, you tell them the fuck off.

He knows what the people want.

And I think it's like $600.

Holy

$700.

I got to look at this.

If you're Brian Cox, why are you bothering?

I don't know.

But

up, up, up, up.

For $500 a second, I think a lot of people would do it.

I guess, but I'm like, maybe it's gambling debts.

Yeah.

I was watching a commercial the other day, and it was Ed O'Neill

narrating the commercial for, you know, Mylanta or whatever.

And I'm just like,

he's got to be one of the most wealthy people.

Who are you talking about?

Ed O'Neill.

Uh-huh.

From Modern Family.

He does a lot of voiceover.

Al Bundi.

And I was just like...

Al Bondi Peach.

Al Bondi Peach.

Al Bondi Peach.

Is this this movie that?

But he's got, I'm sure he has like grandchildren and stuff.

I'm sure his.

His stuff is like.

Gave him a gold rattle.

Well,

while you can make all that money, make it, because you never know when

you're going to die and the spigots turned off.

It's okay when the sun shines.

So it's like, I get it.

I think it's, you know, I think I understand that, but I think.

It's also getting in the way of younger people who would do these jobs, who need the money.

And just voiceover artists who are talented and not celebrities.

One time I went to the Fox lot and I was entering a building behind Ed O'Neill and a bunch of other people, and he did not hold the door open for me.

He saw me and didn't do it.

I think he makes a lot of sense.

I partied with him once.

You partied with him?

What do you mean?

Was it on set at May?

We saw him in Hawaii, remember?

Yeah.

I saw him again.

Are you calling it?

I saw him again there after that.

No, I saw a play that he did.

And you stood up and were drinking in the audience and going, woo, what a great party.

Are you saying it was a taping of Mary with Children?

No.

That's not a play.

That's a great play.

I think he was on Mary with Children at the time.

Peg.

No, I saw him do Lifeboat, the David Mammet show Lifeboat, with George Wendt.

And him, and who else was in it?

Oh, a bunch of those Mammoth, like repertory people.

Joe Mantenia?

Joe Mantenia was not in it, but a bunch of like the secondary people who will always show up as like all the cops in homicide and stuff like that.

Oh, sure.

And then I don't know how, but we talked to them afterwards and then they invited us to go to this bar to go drinking with everyone.

To watch George Went get free beer.

I'm like 22 years old or whatever.

And we go to this bar and hang out with Ed O'Neal and the cast.

And they were so nice to us as like 21 year olds.

It was great.

And then George Wendt literally walked in, a bar he'd never been in.

They shouted Norm.

Of course.

He sat down.

They slid a beer over to him.

He was like, he just tipped his hat.

It was great.

And I got to work with George Wendt, who is Jason Sudekis' uncle, I believe.

That's right.

That's right.

And I got to work with him on the Comedy Bang Bang TV show and told him that story.

He's like, yeah, it was the greatest thing.

Any bar.

Yeah.

And I also worked with him famously on Clipped for 10 episodes.

Oh, famously.

He's a big first full season.

He's a great guy.

He's a fantastic guy.

he did the thrilling adventure hour one time he's a great guy and everybody mike had a fun bar experience with him at once i'll let him tell that yeah he should tell that on the uh he should tweet and go off the spouse uh edition of freedom yeah what are we we got to do i know this sounds like a next episode situation i think we should go could be all right goodbye

off

Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.

We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.

So this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.

Uncared for season three from Lemonada Media.

Available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's Lena Waith.

Legacy Talk is my love letter to Black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us.

This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Felicia Rashad, Loretta Devine, Eva Duvernay, and more.

We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day.

Come be a part of the conversation.

Season two drops July 29th.

Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast, or watch us on YouTube.