There Must Be 22 Positions in a One Night Stand

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I'll see you in your dreams.

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?

Yeah.

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Like we're all grown up.

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Yeah, June is busting out all over

the meadows and the hills

and the scoopa ta-ta-chi-cha chuka chu ta-ta-ta-ta-pa.

I remember Junior and Lunier rhyming in that song.

Boom.

My uncle Junior, and he's acting even Loonier.

Oh, Loonier.

Jesus Christ.

That's a stretch.

Yeah.

Come on, Rogers or Hammerstein.

You remember, of course, the famous Leslie Uggam's video.

Ugh,

my raps don't.

I don't.

I love him.

She is tasked with singing this song

maybe at the Tony's.

Was this a live challenge on the Tony's?

She drove me.

I'm going to Google her because I don't know who that is.

She was a singer and actor.

And so she's supposed to come through the audience singing June is busting out all over.

Oh, okay.

And then she clearly does not know the words that June is busting out all over.

And she is just making noises

in time to the music.

I mean, that's even better.

It's like the Patty LaBelle.

Oh, what was it?

She just kept kind of going.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know.

It's Chris.

I don't see my cue guys.

It's Christmas.

And then you remember Mariah Carey, some New Year's Eve thing where she had a sort of technical thing.

She was a freakist.

And she just walked away.

Oh, I don't think I've seen that one.

I mean, that's the Ashley Simpson on SNL.

She just did a little dance.

Did a little dance.

Something down to down.

Honestly, that would be really hard.

Like, she was really young.

Yeah.

That would.

If you were 60, you could handle that.

Well, it'd be

five-year-old kid who dances to Michael Jackson.

But if you were 60, you would have proven

your career already and it would have been like, oh, yeah, I guess he had an audio track for that.

His voice was messed up.

He's performed live a million times.

If you're 20 or whatever she was, it's like that's her trying to prove herself.

And then that's so hard.

I did the other night, especially when you get the sense that she was sort of

forced into having a music career because her sister was successful.

It's like, no, we're going to make money off all you kids.

Yeah.

I did.

Ron Funches had a show last night that I did.

Was it called Bunches of Funches?

No, it was not called Bunches of Funches, but it was called Funchadelic.

Oh, which is pretty good.

Okay.

And

it's Friday show.

So he said, would you like to come and do some comedy and maybe do a song?

And I said, sure.

Oh, you did a song.

So I did a little stand-up set.

Do a little stand-up.

Sing a little song.

Sing a little song.

And I sang a song.

Now, get down at Funcha Rama.

I didn't know

how much of a stand-up set he wanted me to do.

And so I had, it was Easter, and so I thought, I'll do some Easter-appropriate

material.

Material.

Yes, about Doubting Thomas, one of my favorite stories, and how stupid he was.

He was like, this ain't Jesus.

Doubting Thomas essentially was the original Pixar, it didn't happen.

Yeah.

Pixar.

It didn't happen.

Yeah, I did hear Pixar.

I did hear Pixar didn't happen.

Why didn't Pixar happen?

And he was right.

It had happened at that point.

Pixar didn't happen until the 90s, I think.

But then I overheard Ron say to one of the other performers on the show

that he wanted us to do like 15 minutes.

And I was like, I do not have 15 minutes prepared.

And so I kind of limped through a set that I

just was not.

So at the show, you had to do, you kind of were like, now I'm going to make it 15.

Yeah.

I would have been like, I got five.

I know.

I should have, I should have said something, but I felt like

I got five.

I felt sort of honor bound to fill that time.

I don't think, I think Ron would have been okay if I said, hey, I don't really have anything prepared because I'm still kind of getting back into doing stand-up and doing it on other people's shows is much different than doing it on my own show.

Yeah.

Where I feel a certain level of

freedom and

people, people, yeah, exactly.

They know you're going to be there.

They know what to expect.

On someone else's show, you walk out and people go like, no, no, no, no, no.

Where's Ron?

Where's Ron?

Yeah, yeah.

Even though they just saw that he introduced me, they're like, why is he leaving?

People start crying.

What was the song you sang?

Well, here's the thing: okay, yeah, uh, I picked a song that I had done before, and a song called

Oh, I love that song!

It's a bad title, it's hard.

Well, it's hard to say, yeah, yeah, so I don't say the title, I just go into the song.

Song called 10 Things by Paul Barabeau,

which is a really great song.

To pick up the phone, you know he's a phone because he's junking alone.

Two, to pick up the phone, you know that he's gone,

three,

pick up the phone, you know that he's drunk

and alone.

Four.

Pick up the phone because you know that he's calling his drunk and alone.

Five.

Pick up the phone.

Six.

Pick up the phone because you know that it's called drunk and alone.

Seven.

Pick up the phone because you know that it's called drunken alone.

Eight.

Pick up the phone because you know that it's calling drunk and alone.

Nine.

Pick up the phone because you know that he's calling his drunk and alone.

Ten.

Pick up the phone because you know that it's calling his drunk.

Come on.

So

I listened to the song.

It was a half-hour drive from my place to the venue.

I listened to the song over and over again to reacquaint myself with it.

Maybe, let's say, six times.

Oh, more than six.

It's not a long song.

Oh, is it not long?

Not a long song.

And so by the time I got there, I was good.

I was like, okay, this is good.

There's a couple tricky moments in it.

It's a very fast song.

And so ran through it with the band beforehand, got there early to run it with the band.

Pockadoodle Doo.

Yeah, it was the crack of dawn.

And

I was like, great, this is going to be fine.

And so I, it's time for me to go up.

I go up.

Paul, it's 6:02.

That's what the person said to you.

Showtime.

It says right there on the tickets: 6:02 p.m.

Showtime.

So,

the stand-up is not going that well

because it's all new stuff.

And

I know, like, I'm forgetting key bits.

And then I, this happens sometimes where I start to go into a thing where I'm like,

I don't have anything for this.

Why did I start saying that?

It's such a weird feeling

of like

remembering, it's like remembering a thing that is part part of a story, but not really,

it's not funny.

And it's like, no, don't put that in there.

Three of them.

But I'm alone.

But you

have been doing stand-up for so long.

Do you feel in that moment, do you feel nervous?

Or do you just feel like, ugh, I can predict that that's not funny because I just messed that up and that's funny.

Yeah, do you care anymore if you, I mean,

I know you care.

Not lack of care.

But can you get off, like, will it rattle you or are you just in the moment kind of going like, oh, this isn't going good?

And it doesn't affect your performance.

Trying out new stuff still feels bad.

That still feels bad.

When it's not there yet, it's still a bad feeling.

Like, I can, I can go out there with material that I know very well and bomb, and I can laugh about it.

Like, well, I know I tried my best.

And this material works on, and it's just

circumstance at this point where whatever happened with this audience didn't connect with you.

Exactly.

And with this, I always have the feeling of

I'm not trying hard enough.

I'm not doing a good job and I'm letting somebody else down because it's somebody else's show.

Right.

And even though it's not.

And Ron might have gotten famous from the show, but you didn't do a good standout.

Ron already is.

You didn't do a good standing.

Ron's doing fine.

And so then

I was going to get off and then I forgot the song.

22 positions in a one-night stand.

And then I forgot.

Paul Simon?

Yeah, Paul Simon.

There must be 22 positions in a one-night stand.

Just do 69.

Jain.

John.

John.

I was trying to think of any.

Do missionary, Larry.

Is there one?

Do darkness.

You're from the back.

And so then I almost got off stage forgetting the song.

And I was like, oh my God, that's right, the song.

So then I started the song.

Oh, you have to cue it.

Something's going crazy.

Sorry, the vibration.

Hey, something's going crazy.

It's something like an amber alert or something.

It's my telephone.

I have a vibrato.

Okay.

Vibrato.

Maybe put it on a chair.

Maybe get over it?

It makes me feel like something's happening.

Well, nothing's happening, girl.

Okay, okay.

Except you being a chicken little.

Okay.

So

I start the song, and

now I'm so

rattled by the set.

I go in the second verse.

and I fucking screw up the words.

No,

and I say, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Oh, God, you're Huey Lewis.

People are laughing.

Huey Lewis did that?

Or who did that on SNL?

Oh, oh, Elvis Costello.

Thank you.

Yeah, but he did it because he wanted to fuck over.

Honestly, it was a common mistake.

Huey Lewis's band Clover played on the first Elvis Costello album.

So

I understand why you confused.

That's why I said that.

So I had to get out my phone, Joan.

Give her the bone, Joan.

Make her blow out her back.

To look at the lyrics.

And I was mortified.

It felt so bad.

Like you said.

What was the song?

Oh, you're talking.

I am not going to tell you.

Come on.

Please.

You already told me.

Please.

This is one of those stories that it sucks.

No, no, no.

Please.

Interrupt yours.

This is such a bummer.

And we're making you luxurious.

for so long.

I'm sorry.

Look, I get it.

I'm sorry.

I get it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

No, and I, I, I, you already told me the song, and I just simply don't know that song, and that's why I forgot.

So go ahead.

Um, and it felt bad.

It just felt bad.

And I left there.

I left there feeling like I did a bad job.

And then Ron was like, hey, did you get paid?

If not, what's your Venmo?

And I just wrote back and I'm like, Just don't hit it.

Just, yeah.

I don't, I don't get money for that set.

I don't get money for that.

And did he write write back?

Oh, it wasn't that bad.

I thought you were funny.

Or did he say, I get it.

No, he wrote back and said, understood.

Oh, no.

I watched it, so I understand.

What did he say?

He has not written back yet.

Okay, fine.

This just happened.

He's probably before I came here.

He's probably also going like, well, do I really listen to that and not give him the money?

Come on now.

Come on.

No, I imagine he will insist or whatever, but I, you know, it's fine.

But it was, I really like that he is doing a variety show, and he said he was inspired by my show, by being on my show.

Oh, that's great, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I really, I like seeing more of that.

I think there should be more of that.

There should be so many variety shows that it's easy to get a variety show on the air because at this point, no one wants to buy a variety show, yeah, because they're not popular anymore.

But remember back in the 70s, it was like it seemed like every night there'd be some variety show, they're not popular anymore because there aren't any.

I don't know why they're

not popular.

Every once in a while, they try, they get like a famous person who kind of really doesn't want to do it.

They're like, oh, it's not an easy job.

And then they just do SNL.

You know what I mean?

But it's not a variety show.

Live from New York.

It's Saturday night.

Anyway.

That's something they would say on that.

Yeah.

That's something they would say on that.

That's like an example of what you would hear on SNL.

But it is, it is like,

it feels weird to have

weird.

I don't know.

It's just odd to have been doing this for as long as I've

been doing it.

And that it can still, it's not.

Not that it can still happen, but that it's still, that I'm still like feeling the same feeling.

You got to get right back up and

you got to do a stand-up show this afternoon.

No, it's true, though.

It's, it still weighs me.

I mean, it's interesting to hear it from you because I definitely still have that.

And I'm like, well, I'm probably always going to have that.

Because I think my also, my brain kind of just works that way.

I'll like to fixate on the, you know, oh, why did I say that?

Why did I do that?

I did my first real improv show the other night.

A real one?

I saw you were doing that, and I was intrigued.

So, you were you and Manzoukis.

You and Manzoukas.

I oh, you did the two as a magic number.

So, Sean Distin asked Jason and I to do his show.

I didn't know what it was, but I just said, sure.

Whoa, and going in blind.

Then you got to be fucking kidding me.

A couple days before, I said, Hey, so what's the format of your show?

And he said, Well, you and Jason start off by doing 20 minutes of just dual improv.

And And I went,

yeah.

Anyway, so tell me the real problem.

No, it was literally, it was literally that.

I was like, I thought he was joking.

You thought that was so insane?

Yes, I did.

Because who asks me to do that?

So I said, no, but what is it?

And he goes, no, that's what it actually is.

Like, you would, I said, that's how the show starts?

Oh, that's a good point, too.

You have to

start it out with the, you have to bring the laughs, bring the noise and defunct.

You don't put us on last after everybody gets high?

And everyone's like tired and wants to leave.

But it was great.

Good.

It's a very fun show.

Yeah, we just did a mono scene.

We just did.

And it was over before I even...

There you go.

20 minutes goes by 60.

I'm like waxing your butt.

Because

I was thinking of 20 minutes in stand-up terms.

Oh, yeah, that's death.

Which is way too long.

No, it's so different for improv.

Oh, my God.

20 minutes in stand-up feels like 50 minutes.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

But then 20 minutes in 2020.

50 minutes feels like no time at all.

Oh, because you're killing.

Yeah, it was very fun.

We did seated improv the whole time.

That sounds about right.

We told everyone we were going to be seated.

Were you working in an office?

We said no matter what the suggestion is, we are going to be seated during this.

The suggestion was nun, nuns, confession.

And so I just walked into a room, and he was the head of whatever you call like an abbey or whatever.

The mother superior?

Oh.

Well,

i was a male whatever you call male nun priest a mon priest yes yes priest

it was a monastery that's what it was

and then we just had a seated conversation about how i was doing at the monastery but it was um that's a very fun show it's it's sean distin and devin field and they do two-person improv they're very very funny together and then they always get people um they want duos they want duos yeah and sometimes it's people that have done stuff together a lot before sometimes it's people that have not like i I did it, I've done it twice now.

I did it with Lily Sullivan, which was a lot of fun.

We had never done that

together before.

And then one time I did it with Andy Daly.

He and I had never done that together before, and we really had a ball.

Oh, they did tell me that now they have to, that now the

tech person blacks out the

improv because you guys did 50 minutes.

Yeah, we went for a really long time.

And not realizing it was 50 minutes.

We had no idea.

We went for a really long time.

That's awesome.

And because I'm in the scene and I'm never looking at the clock, I was like, so when 20 minutes went by, I was like, oh, that was it.

Yeah, they should definitely black it out for the guests, too.

So you don't want to have to add that pressure on you.

Yeah.

They also, they did not tell us that we did 15 minutes.

You figured out later.

We knew that we went long.

Yeah.

I don't think we knew that we did almost an hour.

It's so funny.

But see, I feel like from doing Heralds for so long, which are like 25 minutes, 22 minutes,

I feel like I have a very clear sense, and from doing podcasts, I kind of know when 25, when it's been 25 minutes, just in life, not even about improv.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's podcast length.

That's herald length.

I do think it's, I do think podcasts.

How long has it been?

How long has that been waiting in mind at the bank?

About a Herald?

I think because I've watched so many episodes of Step by Step, I have a good sense of when 25 minutes is.

My mom

will, because I explained Curb, but when we used to watch Curb as a family, I'm like, it's a Herald.

And so, you know,

for those who are curb your enthusiasm.

And a Herald is a long-form improv form.

But so it's like there's this ABC scenes, then you're saying, B-S-G,

A-Y-I-J-A-K-L-M-N-O-P one.

Pick up the phone.

I explained to my mom, and then everything connects at the end.

All the different stuff connects at the end that we've that has been introduced.

Okay, so she,

and then whenever something is like that happens again in life, she's like, that's a Herald.

At least she's not saying it's like a callback.

It's not totally wrong.

Which too many people know what callbacks are now.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like no one knew what a callback was until it feels like then suddenly.

I feel that's so weird.

How did it get?

That's a Herald.

How did it get popular?

A Herald just happened.

Everyone knows what a callback is now.

Yeah, I think, I do think, yeah, people were forced to be.

Like technical comedy terms.

Why does everyone know what a callback is?

Oh, that's a callback.

Is it from podcasts?

I don't like all our terms of art being out there.

Thank you.

And the internet, I guess, because people just like because the internet.

Because people will explain

everything that way, like where it's like people understand what a pilot is, a pilot episode of a show, where it's like,

don't say that on the phone.

I didn't know what that was.

Oh, my God.

I started watching the rehearsal last night speaking of pilots.

It was very enjoyable.

Anyway, I won't get into that.

That was a, was that not a Tammy Pescatelli?

Yes, of course.

Reference.

I just thought a pilot.

Don't say that over the phone.

All right, we have to take a break.

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Ah,

what a fun break we just had.

That was so fun.

It was so perfect and everything was cool.

Everyone knows that we are so cool hey guys i want to go back to school what why

um i want to learn everything that i didn't learn the first time school is the worst

i want to relearn everything i didn't learn the first time

i i when i'm doing the crossword every day i just have such a gap in knowledge about geography.

Oh, I suck at geography.

You can, you know what?

There's a, you know, there's a great app.

Okay.

I don't know what it is, but I'm sure you can find it in two seconds.

He's got a great app.

I told you I'm bad at geography.

How can I find this?

To just do the states and do the countries.

Do the states, do the countries.

It'll test you on them, and then you can study them, and then you can test again, then you study, then you test, and you study.

But in the crossword, it's always like

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Oh, you can do capitals.

You can do capitals.

What's the app?

I don't know.

It's what we used during the pandemic when we were.

I don't know.

I think I told you I was trying to memorize all the presidents in order.

And there's only fucking 46, in my opinion.

I feel like we talked about this before, because I can go back

to all the countries.

I was going backwards all the way up to like 1896 or whatever, but now I can't remember anymore.

I think I can go back to Wilson.

I go back to 1996.

Wilson!

Okay, let's see.

How to learn every country in the world.

What am I doing?

Wilma, but you're changing it to.

But I was doing the Dennis the Menace, I thought.

Oh, I thought it was the volleyball from Casco West.

That's right, yeah.

Because Mr.

Wilson wouldn't yell at Dover.

Yeah, he'd go, Dennis.

Here.

Here's how to memorize.

He died, by the way, Dennis Amenis.

Jay North.

No.

Yes.

His name's Jane.

He went south.

Jay North.

Jay North went south.

I have memorized all 197 countries in the world, and I'll tell you how you can, too.

Wait, didn't this is just the name of the app?

Didn't we just do a thing where you had to guess how many countries there were in the world?

Yes.

This is, but I'm saying, oh, this is a person on the other side.

Oh, wait, this is a person.

Oh, I thought you were saying this.

For starters, I'll recommend to go one country at a time.

I started with memorizing the countries of Europe.

I think I can do that.

The United States of America is a very important thing.

I think they mean continent.

Oh.

Memorize the countries of Europe, but I recommend going west to east, north to south, North America, South America, Europe, Asia, Africa, Asia, Oceania.

This is the order most people take when they name the countries.

Memorize the countries of the continent at your own pace and direction, however you feel more comfortable with.

This is written terribly.

So just do it however you want.

I don't know what's happening.

I don't either.

And also, I swiped out.

I just want to know the name of the ad.

I swiped out by mistake and then saw this.

And it's this ad that I keep getting.

I keep getting that.

Oh, my God.

It's someone doing like a hair growth ad.

But it's every other, after every other post.

It's like, did you see this?

Yes.

It feels like you just saw that.

Well, it's the top of a head of a woman who has very thinning hair, which is not a big, you know, it's fine, but she takes this medication and apparently has this thick head of hair that we see next.

But it's just the most jarring image.

You're just seeing the top of someone's head with and without hair.

It's too medical.

It's just like, wait, wait, what?

Like, suddenly, yes.

So we don't know the name of that app.

Well, I don't.

Yeah.

Well, I got, I went down to Wormball.

There's, you know, there's here, countries app.

How about that?

But you think Mike will remember?

Yeah.

Could you go to like adult college and take GR?

Oh, go through that beaded curtain.

I'll ask Mike what we were using.

Like, it seems like all the

like local city college classes are more more for like stuff that people need to know because they're switching careers or whatever.

It has to be something like that, right?

Yeah, because I'd like history.

I'd like to know more about history.

You often talk about wanting to go back to school.

I know.

Well, I was

the BMOC.

Oh, big man on school.

So you think that's going to happen?

You think that's going to happen again?

Yes.

The bowel movement out of country?

Who's that 58 heroes?

It would be like Ronnie Dangerfield.

Yes.

My son could join me.

But you, like, I think think you should take an online course.

I've looked.

Oh, that's a, that's good.

Because you're interested.

Although I hate Zooms.

You don't have to do it.

It doesn't have to be a Zoom.

Sometimes things are at your own pace.

Slow.

Yeah, you can do it over the course of the next however many years.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't know.

Is it worth it, though, to know more about it?

Is it worth it?

Because

I'll forget other things.

Here it is.

Mike sent me this.

You say he's going to get pushed out?

Like, other knowledge will get pushed.

Well, okay.

So I did a show.

Oh, the app is called Maps of the world maps of the world the world or our world maps sorry maps of our world the geography quiz it has 20 000 ratings and um do they want for other worlds uh because i would get that too yeah i'd give that yeah i'd love to you know what would be kind of fun the names of if we like all studied this a little bit and then in a future episode we um did the test let's let's say two months okay

perfect we'll get it's like task you have two months you have two months to study so if you don't study the that's up to you.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

I'll do it.

Did you start watching the show?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

I want to watch that.

I always forget I want to watch that.

Yeah, yeah, it's great.

Where do you watch that?

They have a YouTube channel.

Great.

Yeah.

It's all there.

I'm going to get into that.

Really fun show.

It's great.

I can tell you good.

Is it addictive?

I would say so.

Yeah.

Do you certainly want to spinge it or watch one every night?

Yeah, I was.

Absolutely.

Kulaf and I were watching sometimes like two

a night.

That's such a fun thing when you discover a show that's been on for a while and then you add all this to 19 seasons and catch up on.

It's really fun.

Yeah.

No, but I did a show the other night.

It was a quiz show type show over at UCB.

And

you're out there doing all this show.

You did two that week.

That's great.

For you, that's a lot.

That's more than you've done in a while.

From a deli hunter.

That's a race.

But so I'm up against Andy.

Tian Tran and I were one team.

And then...

Tian Tran's very funny.

Yes.

I've never met her before.

Andy Richter, what I saw on that post.

So Andy Richter's on the other team, and it just, and he was a last-minute fill-in,

and

he won Celebrity Jeopardy.

He did.

And he knows so much about every subject.

Wow.

I'm never going to beat this.

And so he won?

Yeah, of course.

Not with that attitude.

Did you feel that you did a good job?

I did pretty good.

There was one music category that I got every time.

So, was it like Jeopardy?

It was a fun show.

It was not like Jeopardy.

It was more interesting than that.

Oh, shot's fire.

Sorry.

Shade towards Jen Jennings.

Take that, Jen Kennings.

Whoa.

Shout out the show.

What's it called?

Who hosts it?

I can't remember.

I would.

It's called Like Minds.

It's hosted by Greg Huss?

Or no?

No.

It's hosted by Joey Bland.

Yeah.

Greg Huss books it?

Greg produces it.

Yeah.

So it was like mine's.

I have heard of the show, yes.

It was fun to do.

To be honest,

here's what happened.

So it's Saturday.

It was a Saturday show.

Yeah, walk me through this.

Okay, so what's Saturday like?

So Saturday, no work often, not for everyone.

Pretend I just beamed down here from outer space.

What's Saturday?

Well, our calendar is made up of well, what's a calendar?

Oh, shit.

No, so Saturday,

I got Emmy up, put her in ballet

costume, uniform.

What do you call it?

Outfit.

Outfit, sure.

Sure.

And then Kulops.

It was Kulop's turn to take her,

took her.

No one was there.

Kulop was pounding on the door,

shouting up, hey, we're down here.

And then ended up just leaving after 10 minutes.

It was spring break, and apparently it was on the calendar that there was no class.

But

they should send a reminder.

They should send a reminder.

They should send a reminder.

So then,

anyway, what I'm going to say is a million different things.

Swim lessons, like, you know, the day was packed.

Wow.

At 5 p.m.,

I went like, oh my God, thank God.

At 5 p.m., yeah, I was just like, all right, let me have a drink.

We haven't put Emmy to bed yet, but let me just have a drink.

I ended up having like three glasses of wine.

Yeah.

And at

this party started.

At 6:15,

I say, oh, fuck, I have a show.

Oh, that's awesome.

I don't have to be there at 6:30.

That's awful.

We had three glasses of wine before 6:15.

Jesus.

Between 5 and 6:15, I was just like, God damn,

I finally have a night to myself.

Let me relax.

I don't have to put Emmy to bed.

It's cool upstorm.

So I feel kind of sloshed, and I have to do a quiz show.

That's insane.

But so I ended up not driving there, of course, taking

in Uber.

All the way over there.

and um

anyway and by the time i got there i had i had sobered up but it was like wow yeah but uh in any case i did okay for for being half in the bag and um not knowing there was a show that's impressive good job drinks

Oh, that's cool.

That's cool.

It was really cool.

It was really cool, man.

To be frantic.

That's so terrible.

Remembering you have to be somewhere is like the worst feeling it's bad when you're just chilling and you're like oh yeah yeah yeah

that's happened to me so many times where

it is

it's like a not a big thing it's clearly not a thing of my own that i'm supposed to do but

even remembering it in time like in the afternoon Yeah, where you have, because you have a whole other vision set out for your evening.

Yeah.

And you can't wait.

Yeah.

It's going to be so good.

I was going to watch a movie.

That's the best and then the worst to have that ripped away from him.

Yeah.

No, I mean,

you and Sean showed up for a show, and I swore it was at 2 p.m.

Oh, yeah.

I never looked at my calendar.

And then suddenly you guys were like, I'm outside.

It was 10 a.m.

I'm like, I just felt bad because I had a vision for the next four hours of what I was going to do to accomplish.

I went through a computer where I was doing that a lot, where I would be like, that thing's at 2, and I just wouldn't ever check.

I would just like

just be going like, like, Yep, I know that, and then I miss it or get so many times.

So many times, it's so weird when that gets cemented in your brain for some reason.

They're like, I definitely know that that's when it starts for sure.

And so, you don't bother checking.

It's like, I don't need to.

Yes, I know it's in stars.

Or even like I put it in the calendar wrong and didn't double-check the email and just, yep, yes, yes, terrible.

Stars, they're just like us.

I had a show recently where I don't, but I don't think this is my fault, where the time changed, changed and I found out,

well,

what happened was, first, I did not put the show on my calendar.

Okay.

All right.

Well, you're off to a bad start.

Step one.

Don't put it in the corner.

Pick up the phone because he's only getting your calendar because he's drunk.

I had a show out of town

and that was the day I was coming back.

And I was like, oh, shit.

I have to do that show.

I was like, well, I'll still make it.

Then came the notification that, oh, yeah, the show is at this time.

It's like, that's not the time I had on my colour.

A little earlier.

So I had to change my fucking flight.

Dude.

And then I had to go right from the airport to the show.

No.

Because it's

like you have to.

Yeah, I kind of did.

Okay.

I kind of did.

It was a little too close.

So it's one of those things where no, but I mean, like, you couldn't have bailed on the thing.

No, I could not have bailed on the thing.

Yeah.

And you know, I feel like I.

You were renewing your vows, right yeah he calls that a show can we cut this one up um

our wedding was quite a show

um i i feel like i used to bail on things a lot

maybe not a lot but enough where it's like you start to get that rep of like you're unreliable i don't think i ever got the rep but i think i started to realize you can't do that it started to feel bad no it was fun you know it would be social plans or shows or whatever bail then it is just say no from the start yeah i'd much rather reply immediately and just say no because I do think there's that, and maybe this is an Amy Poehler thing that I heard where she was the one I heard this from.

Where, like, you, if you don't want to do it on Tuesday or tomorrow or whatever it is, like, then don't do it.

Like, if you don't want to do it when somebody asks you to do it, right?

If you don't want to do it,

if you don't want to do it tomorrow, like, if they're like, in a month, do you want to do this show?

And you're like, sure, a month later, me thinks that's fun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like, I'm

grown up by this.

And tomorrow.

And then you're like, well, then no.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Exactly.

It's funny.

I did Seth Meyers' podcast, Seth and his brother Josh Meyers' podcast.

And let's say it was 10 a.m.

Like I was on the Zoom.

And it was 10 a.m.

I was on the Zoom at

10 a.m.

And Seth was there.

And he goes, ha ha ha, another podcaster, knowing how time is important.

I love this.

Because I guess just everyone knows.

Oh, yes.

Oh, I'm sure people just don't.

Or blows it off.

Yeah.

Right.

I've really made a concerted effort to

not just,

you know, not not bail on things, which I don't bail on things anymore, but to actually

show up with a good attitude.

You know what I mean?

Because it's like, I agreed to do this.

And also realizing I have the ability to turn this around for myself.

That is true.

I can make this fun, you know, because somebody's asked me to do a fun thing, even though it's like, I don't, maybe I don't feel like it.

It's too far away or it's whatever reason, but it's like, I can actually make this enjoyable.

It doesn't have to be, I don't have to stay in the same mindset of, I can't wait till this is over or whatever.

But also, I'm making a real effort to be on time for shit because I was late for things so much and it really started to feel bad.

It really started to feel bad.

Yeah, yeah.

Being late frustrates me and others.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I hate being late.

Yeah.

But

I do feel like since having kids, I'm like consistently

not five minutes late to everything, but like maybe the first thing.

It's like the first thing in the day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a little tricky.

It's, I mean, it's tough on the like weekend 9 a.m ballet classes on a saturday morning that's tough they're tough but but i will say i think i need to get some of that stuff popping

because the weekends are long and it'd be nice to have like oh we go into this activity night and that's the thing is it feels like

Like yesterday for we had so many things we had to do and I was just exhausted by the end of the day But there wasn't any of this like what are we doing now and just like the frustration of a young kid who's like bored.

Yeah.

And you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Holly was begging me to take her to the park yesterday with Gigi because Mike was out.

And I was like, you know what?

Because, you know, sometimes you just want to go, let's just fucking hang out.

Can we chill?

But then Netflix and chill.

Yeah, but because we're always doing something.

Do we have some conclave?

It's not, I mean, we're always doing something.

So it feels like, oh, and when I'm alone, I'm like, I don't really want to have to go wrangle them both and go do this whole thing and carry a thousand things and whatever.

But I did it.

And she had a lot of fun.

She's so outgoing at the park, it's like it's so different from how I was as a kid.

I would never want to talk to other kids.

Have I told you the story about when I was in Arizona at my grandparents' house, and they said, Hey, go next door and talk to, there's a kid your age, go talk to that's horrible.

And so I didn't want to do it, I would have hated it.

And I let everyone know I didn't want to do it.

Yeah, and I was, I wouldn't have wanted to do it.

I had to have been, I'd say, six or seven.

And so I

they said, okay, go have fun.

And I left the house and I went into the side yard and I played by myself for an hour.

And then I went back into the house and they said, how was it?

Was it fun?

I went, yeah, it was great.

And it never came up again.

Like they must have either

two things had to have happened.

Either they just assumed it was great and never brought it up to the next door neighbor, or they went to the next door neighbor and said, so how was the play date?

And they said, no one ever showed up.

What are you talking talking about?

And then they'd be really funny to me.

Mercifully tormented old fool.

Yeah.

Now, did you hear your grandparents having a lot of sex

when you were gone?

Go over to the light.

Go talk to that kid.

Even though the singer is old now?

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Wow.

Wow.

And we're back.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Were there three famous wows?

There's

Owen Wilson, Christopher Walkin.

And was there a third wow?

I don't know if there's a third wow.

I still have my dream, of course, of making a speak and spell with celebrities' faces on it.

Yeah.

That's like not.

You should do that.

But they say animal sounds.

Okay, well, it's getting convoluted.

Oh, that would sell.

That would sell.

Absolutely.

It absolutely.

No, it looked right.

Yeah.

That's a good idea.

What do we do with this?

Bog Bog.

Where does it get sold?

Like Holly?

Do it get sold.

Pora, drinking chicken.

Okay.

And then here I want to try a new one.

Meow.

Who is it?

Holly Hunter.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

This should be sold at like Hot Topic or Spencer's or something.

Yeah.

Do they still have Spencer's?

I think

they have some places.

Yeah.

Man.

Yeah, I had to get a new shirt that said I farted it off my other shirt.

I farted off my other shirt?

Excuse me, madam.

What does your shirt mean?

I farted off my other shirt.

I normally wear another shirt, but I farted it off.

Thank you for your detailed response, madam.

You're welcome.

Somebody's wedding is coming up.

I have to buy one of those boxes of pins you stick your face into.

Oh, my God.

I used to love those as a kid.

It's so germy, though.

Oh, I never thought about that, of course.

Yeah.

Until much later.

It's like, yeah, really.

I guess everything in the world is germy.

And you would like let it fill your whole mouth as a kid.

So I would like do your tongue.

I never did that.

And then

I can still feel the needles on my tongue.

I can feel the needles on my telegram.

Why did people have the balls that go click, click, click, click?

Because they were all.

Is it soothing or what is the point?

Did you get my joke?

We have one of those.

A Newton's Cradle?

Yes.

I think it is supposed to be contemplative or meditative, but I was, when I was a kid, I was fascinated by that.

Yeah, do they keep going?

Is it a perpetual motion machine where they keep going forever?

No, I don't think so.

It stops.

It eventually stops.

It gives up.

It gets less energy as it gets closer and closer.

That is a sign of

madness is if you're trying to invent a perpetual motion machine.

Because

doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of madness.

That's what it says in the dictionary.

Yes.

Watch your faces there.

Oh,

sorry.

Is it under madness?

I'm so sorry to tell you.

Or is it under Smith's?

Oh, so hard.

We should sell a dictionary that has like

celebrities' faces underneath definitions of things.

Crazy.

And it's like Steve Martin.

I think it should be one celebrity.

Like you pick one person that is under every word.

No.

Or just one word or say 10 words.

Say 10 words.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

He did it.

What's a word here?

Like, whoo, I couldn't believe it.

I cannot believe it.

What's one celebrity you want in there?

We can figure out the word for them.

It's like if it was

shitty and then there's like a picture of Mel Gibson.

Yeah, would you tell you what?

Would you buy a like only bad novelty dictionary that you would bring over to someone's house?

Sold.

You bring over to someone and plant in someone's house.

This would kill.

Say it's for Lauren, right?

Oh, you're going to have it.

You buy it for me.

And you plant it in Lauren's house.

Yeah.

And it's a normal dictionary other than than the word dumb shit has her picture.

That's honestly

extremely.

And then, like, when I go to look up the word dumb shit to prove a point.

Or, no, you're in.

How do I spell that again?

Here we go.

Oh, it's me?

Who did this?

Or just you're having a conversation and you're caping honor, and you're like, hey, look up the word dumb shit.

Your picture is under there.

And then you go, I'll prove it.

And you grab the dictionary.

Oh, this is a great practical.

Yeah, because I would be going like,

I would go like, ha ha.

And then you're like, no, no, really, look it up.

I go, it's not they don't have dumb shit in the dictionary

i'm going no really i'll find all do it have to be that huge dictionary here here here see the kind that you put on a podium yeah yeah yeah

yeah i like this joke

when you look up dumb in the dictionary it's your pictures under it should we look up how much dictionaries cost to make and we can do this yeah look up how much do dictionaries cost to make there have to be i'm sure there's an answer i'd like to make my own dictionary i don't like the fonts available how about how much does it it cost to print a book?

I would give somebody a dictionary, and

it would not have the word gullible in it.

Oh, yeah.

That's a great secondary.

Your face is under gullible in the dictionary, and then they'd go, yeah, let me prove you wrong.

And then they'd be no gullible?

No.

You never heard this joke?

Did you know the word gullible?

Why don't you look up gullible in the dictionary?

No, did you know that the word gullible?

Did you want to know it?

Did you want to talk over me?

You say to somebody, did you know the word gullible is not in the dictionary?

I got it.

And then they go look.

And of course it is.

We always said gullible's on the ceiling.

That's not.

Gullibles on the ceiling?

And then you look up and you get punched.

What the fuck?

Because you're looking for gullible because you're so stupid and gullible.

No, you're looking up because you said something was on the ceiling.

You're gullible.

This is the Chicago version of this.

This is Holloway.

He tells you to look at the dictionary, you tell him, look at the ceiling.

I think a good novelty dictionary with

a good 10-minute dictionary.

A good novelty.

People don't even look at a dictionary at all.

I know, but I know.

It's got to be novelty websites now.

It does have to be a novelty website that you pay to get at the top of Google.

You pay.

Let's make hagclaims8.com.

Part of it is a novelty dictionary lookup site.

That's a good idea.

And how it works is you leave a voicemail where you want to look up a word, and then we send back a message that tells you what

the definition is of the word.

So I agree.

Part of HagClaims8 will be a novelty dictionary lookup site.

Yeah.

This is going to be a huge moneymaker.

I see.

And of course, we need someone out there to build it for free.

Yep.

One of our best ideas was calling it HagClaims8.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Honestly?

Yeah.

yeah, yeah, could have been anything, but it's what made that website so famous.

Could have been a lot of people.

And that's how people just end up over there all the time because they're always like, they type in hagclaims8.com thinking it's going to be about something else.

And then they go to it and it's that.

Well, we're getting a lot of traffic.

I've been reading from Hag 8 Claims.

Dot.

Hag 8 Claims.

Dot.

Yeah.

The eighth hag finally got dot.

And she claims, I am hag eight.

Hag.

Hag is a funny word.

Hag is silly.

No, you hag.

Hag called hag these days.

No.

That's pretty mean.

Old crone is crone is good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You old hag.

You old hag.

Did you ever like shout that at an old woman?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Well, and I'm trying to get their attention.

Hey, you old hag.

Hey, you old hag.

You jumped your wallet.

Can I help you with something, you old hag?

Like, if I'm not talking about it.

Someone found an airplane, she's trying to put her bag in the overhead.

Remember those old hacks?

Oh, here, old hag, let me help you.

What city were we in?

I feel like it was abroad.

We had a couple of old hags who were like,

oh,

couldn't put their suitcases up in the overhead compartment.

Yes.

And they were like bumping into everyone and then wanting to.

I think that was when we were in the UK.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like it was Ireland or something like that.

It was not Ryanair because that was a problem for everybody.

Yeah.

No bags were there because they made everybody check.

Yes.

I hate when I'm forced to check.

I hate when I'm forced to check.

But if you did drop your wallet and then like a young 10-year-old kid was like, hey, you old hag, you dropped your wallet.

Would you feel grateful?

Or would you

wish that

would you prefer?

Would you have preferred that you dropped your wallet and never found it?

Or would you prefer

the little kid?

I'll take old hag from a little kid, but I am going to say something back.

Like what?

You're a fucking bitch.

In the old days, you could have just slapped him across the face.

Yeah.

Because you're an adult.

What'd you call me fucking bitch?

What's that?

What constitutes old hag?

He slaps you in the backyard.

You slap him in the Oscars.

I think he has to be 80 and look really mean.

And be wearing like a hat with flowers coming out of it.

I picture an old hag as there's definitely a cloak involved.

Yeah.

And I guess I'm picturing that witch from fucking, was it Snow White?

Yeah.

Classic, classic witch.

Classic hag, word on the end of her nose.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Like two teeth sticking up from the lower jaw.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, right, right.

But man, she was

when she

dude, when she became hot, when she became hot, I was like,

badunkadonk.

I'm like, so they

had a huge ass.

They must have liked drawing her when she was hot.

What if you watched Snow White and they, like Spielberg, changed DT to not have guns and they were all walkie-talkies, just you watched it and suddenly the old woman had a huge ass.

I would like that.

What if?

I just did watch

Snow White?

It was Sleeping Beauty.

What does she look like in Snow White?

I'd have to look that up.

Yeah, call it up, baby.

We got to see this witch.

We just watched Sleeping Peace, though, which is a, I watched a lot as a kid.

The original one?

The old one?

Yeah, I used to watch that a lot, and Holly really likes it.

And

the fairies are just so great.

So, oh, but that's

look up

Maleficent, which looks a lot like that.

Oh, I've never seen Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty, Olafalo.

I've never seen Malafalo.

Which, which one is Maleficent from?

Maleficent.

Sleeping Beauty.

From Sleeping Beauty.

The Fairies are.

What do you mean, Angeline and Jolie?

That's what I'm looking for.

No, yeah.

Oh, she doesn't look like her.

Never mind.

I just

looked up her.

She's more purple.

Angelie.

You're right.

Did we find the witch?

She's so white or not.

It's the witch.

I'm sorry.

I showed it to lauren and she said no she has like a sort of a black bro don't show me that she has like a black i mean that's a good witch fabric and then like a crown

whereas maleficent has like horns and like blue skin and like she also has gray rings around her entire eye

let me see i love videos when she's evil when she's evil yeah okay let's see her or when she's i love videos of no you're looking at her hot in the same thing

yeah that's her fault she's got a and i like

i love when little kids at Disneyland like her, that character.

I love when the I love encountering the mean characters at Disneyland.

They're very

funding.

And they're funny.

Yeah, they're having a good time.

No, that's a good costume.

Except you have to walk.

You have to walk crouched over.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Manics.

Yeah.

Here's another Halloween costume of the hot.

I guess it's a hot version, but it's still the old lady costume.

It's not like it's the sexy version of the

hag.

Just sexy.

Because I guess it's a hot woman.

Okay.

You guess or you think that she's hot?

I'm guessing.

I'm just guessing at this right now.

I'm guessing she's hot.

I guess she's hot.

I'm looking at a picture of her, and I guess she's hot.

I had to guess.

She honestly, with that expression, she kind of looks like Jess Jardin.

Oh, yeah, she does.

Like Jess having a ball, being a witch.

Yeah.

Honestly, if I saw Jess dressed like this, I wouldn't be surprised.

I think that's a basket of apples.

That'd be a good costume for her.

She loves fruit.

She does love fruit.

I sent her two fruit things yesterday that I thought she was going to like.

I don't think she's responding.

Were they fruit?

Oh, shit.

One of them was

a kit you can't get.

She's a friend of ours who loves fruit and loves to dress up like the old witch from Snow.

She loves it.

And she gives fruit-themed gifts.

All the baby gifts I've gotten from her have been fruitful.

Oh, really?

Yes, very sweet.

But she,

there was a company that does a thing where you can paint like ceramic fruit.

It's like a kit.

It looks really cute.

And then there were these cherry slippers from Target that I was like, She's got to have these.

Oh, yeah, these are going to look good with one of those big fruit dresses she has.

I'm like, this is a good look.

Yeah, those have to go immediately.

You need that.

Yeah, she's fun.

She's a fun lady.

She's really fun.

She dyes her hair crazy colors.

Yeah, she's a blossom.

She's just here to have a good time, man.

I agree.

I love, love Jess.

Love Jess.

She's like, if you're listening, I don't know why.

Jess, if you're listening, this must be the first time.

Jess, if you're listening, turn this off.

Yeah.

She's like one of those.

It's not going to get better for you than this.

Eccentric old ladies from like town, like the the purple lady from where I used to go to school.

Yes, but she's like a hot, young lady.

But she's hot and young.

Yes.

She's like an old crone or a hag, but she's young and hot.

Yeah.

She's killing it.

She's killing it.

It is funny when you see, you can sort of see into people's futures and see what they will be like as old people.

Vanessa Raglan's little girl.

Yeah, she's Francie, who is

such a fucking character.

But when she was a a little fat baby, and they put those turbans on her, yes.

And I just saw her as

like she would be an older lady that lived on your street.

She would look like that.

Yeah.

And then, you know, she would always want to talk to you.

Yeah.

And she would tell you like a wild story and it would like make you late for something, but you wouldn't mind.

Yeah.

You know, you would love running into her.

Yeah.

She has an adorable family.

She really does.

Yeah.

They're a striking family.

Yeah.

Must be nice.

Mommy.

Her husband makes these videos.

Oh, my God.

Every year on their kid's birthday, he'll make a video of like their year, which is like just a compilation of all the moments in the year.

And it's

moving.

It's heartbreaking.

It's everything.

You see tears.

You see joy.

You see.

jumping off of pleasure

and feelings and the twins

just everything there was a tweet once

Oh, thank God.

This guy said the maddest my uncle ever got.

So like the baddest my uncle ever got was when that they had that commercial of the Clydesdales kneeling

and I said they're praying to Becca

and he got so mad he had to go out in the yard.

That's insane.

By the way, this plush toy of the witch is bad, right?

We don't need the toy of that.

This is, it doesn't even look like her.

But you know, you just don't make her nice.

She's not a toy.

So who wants

to snuggle with that?

By the way, she's got too many teeth.

She poisoned people.

Snow White Witch has famously one.

Snow White Witch has one tooth.

She's got too many teeth.

She's five.

She has one tooth.

She's holding an apple.

Sure.

I'll give her that.

Holding an apple, more like take an apple, you old crone.

Old hag.

You old fucking hag.

You old hag?

Let's get back in.

Why don't you go claim eight, you old hag?

If someone said that to you on the street, then I would say you're a piss pig.

Don't go piss pig, please don't call me animal.

It's a good covert.

Why don't you go claim eight?

And then you go, what?

What did they just say?

Why did they say?

You heard me.

Oh, yeah.

You'll figure it out.

Why don't you Google why a hag claims eight?

Go to hag claims eight, you'll figure it out.

Find out who claims eight.

Bang, you'll see a picture there.

And it comes back to being a dictionary lookup site.

That's right.

Novelty dictionary lookup site.

All right, tell you what.

Let's take a break and tell you what.

I'm Husson Minhaj, and I have been lying to you.

I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Husan Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.

People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Is America too dumb for democracy?

Outrageous.

Parenting expert Dr.

Becky.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?

That's a good question.

Listen to Hussam Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonata Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, Paul, what's a game?

It's a Three Trail, and here we go.

We are right to the point these days.

Yeah.

I mean,

look,

why are we pretending?

We know what it is.

We all know.

We're all adults here.

A Threecher is a game you like to play.

Where'd it go?

Where did it go?

Here we go.

That's right.

I already know.

I'm remembering what my games are because I look at my list of games.

This is a game submitted by Emma Bradshaw, one of the rare three submitters we have met in person.

Oh, where did we meet, Emma?

After a comedy bang-bang show

on the tour.

I can't remember what city.

And what did how did the meeting go?

The meeting went like this.

You're doing part of it wrong.

And we had a video where we did it the right way.

Oh, okay.

Enough with the covert leanings.

Huh?

Bad rap is the name of the game.

Thank you.

Bad drap.

Bad drap.

Bad drap.

Bad drap.

Bad drap.

Bad drap.

To play.

Bad drap.

You all clap on a beat and chant bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

Now, oh, the rhythm was wrong.

That's right.

She told us what the rhythm was wrong.

Yes, yes, yes.

But all she gave us to go on was a beat.

So we did the best we could.

We did did the best we could.

And honestly, what we did sucked.

And someone says,

yeah.

And then

she demonstrated the rhythm, and for the life of me, I cannot remember.

This is how I think it goes: bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

And what do you think it is?

Sounds hard.

Well, I think we gotta put it out of my mind.

Bad rap.

Bad rap.

Everybody's talking about bad rap.

She, everybody.

It doesn't matter.

It's not bad rap.

It just doesn't matter.

Let's do a rap.

It truly doesn't matter.

So, Emma, despite your best efforts, we're going to do it our own way.

What you have to do is.

But you're a nice person, and it was a pleasure to meet you.

Come by to our house every day and the house we share, of course.

Yeah, by the house.

It's one big house, three front doors.

Yeah.

And we always open them.

Whenever one gets a knock, we open all three and go, hello.

Hello.

Hello.

This is Daffar South.

We put our faces in pies.

Oh, run by fruiting.

I always get it wrong.

Oh, it should be drive-by.

Of course it should be.

Of course it should be.

It's probably something.

That's why we all make that correction in our heads.

It's probably something he riffed on the day, and everyone was like, that's genius.

And they just were like, it's good enough.

And now it's part of cinema history.

And I bet even he wished he could change it to Drive-By Fruiting.

I think he probably wished that a lot.

Probably one of his dying thoughts.

I wish I could go back.

We have to go back.

And I think I texted you guys.

I believe I texted you guys that I was watching a movie.

I can't remember.

Oh, Holland is the name of the movie.

Oh, yeah.

And a Nicole Kidman film.

And in it, she watches a little bit of Mrs.

Doubtfire, and it's the most Mrs.

Doubtfire I've ever seen.

That's right.

That was, by the way, one of the movies that made me think of Scott Hasn't Seen because I watched it right before we started that show.

And I was like, just to watch it.

during COVID, I think.

And I was like, man, isn't it weird?

I haven't seen this.

Mrs.

Doubtfire?

Yeah.

It's one of the movies that made him want to get into cinema.

Yeah.

In 2015.

I was like, what are these moving images?

How do they move?

How many are there per second?

Do you think that Martin Scorsese considers that cinema?

I bet he does.

Why isn't it?

Well, because he thinks the Marvel movies are

not cinema.

So is Mrs.

Doubtfire cinema?

You know what I mean?

Yeah, what crosses over into Soul Plain?

Is that cinema?

Yes.

I wonder.

I'm not asking you.

I'm asking Martin Scorsese.

I'm being him.

Oh, good impression.

He's famously taciturn.

Yes.

Bad rap, submitted by Emma Bradshaw.

To play, you all clap on a beat and chant bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

Then someone says a line, then you chant bad rap, bad rap, bad rap again.

And then the next person says another line.

It seems like it's going to rhyme with the last line, but doesn't at the last minute.

For example, each line generally takes up two claps.

Here's a basic example to hopefully make it make more sense.

All

bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

Lauren, my favorite shirt is blue and red.

Bad rap, bad, rap, bad rap.

Me.

A great movie is Bill and Steve.

Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

Stop.

Pumpkin pie is a tasty treat.

Bad, rap, bad, rap, bad rap.

Lauren, I am sitting in a chair.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And we all get it.

I mean, you are sitting in a chair, so that makes sense.

I didn't really say that.

No, you're taking two, literally.

It sounds so nice.

Do you guys want to go see Bill and and Steve tonight?

Well, it's Adam and Steve, not Adam and Ted.

Bad rap.

How do you want to do it?

Bad rap.

I can't remember.

I think it's bad rap.

Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

Bad rap.

Bad rap.

Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

Bad rap.

Who's starting?

I think maybe the clapping is

too fast.

I went to the mall to get a hat.

Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

Then I went to the pet store and bought a dog.

Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

I like to eat at a big table.

Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

My favorite book is Aesop Stories.

Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

I'm going to go see that great movie, Adam and Steve.

Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

It'll be so good, I can't even credit it.

Bad rap, rap, bad, rap, bad, rap.

I want to go on a ride in my car.

Bad, wrap, bad, rap, bad, rap.

I think I'm going to travel pretty close to my house.

Bad, rap, bad, rap, bad, rap.

I forgot about your style of rap.

It is a fun style.

It is a fun style.

Bad, rap, bad, rap, bad, rap.

Every day I take the train.

Bad, rap, bad, rap, bad, rap.

When I hurt my leg, I'm in agony.

Bad, rap, bad, rap, bad, rap.

It's pretty hot.

I'm gonna jump in the pool.

Bad, rap, bad, rap, bad, rap.

I'll do a cannonball and look like a jerk.

Bad, rap, bad, rap, bad, rap.

When I'm hungry, I chew some gum.

Bad, rap, bad, rap, bad, rap.

You know what?

It turns out it's pretty enjoyable.

Bad, rap, bad, rap, bad, rap.

Every window is made of glass.

Bad, rap, bad, rap, bad, rap.

When I take a big shit, it comes out of my my butt

that's Frank she said she takes a big shit bad rap bad rap bad rap and then she gets punched in the nose bad rap bad rap bad rap I want to fix my carburetor bad rap bad rap bad rap this is fun and oh Jesus

I was trying to do greater but

then I was like what ran or what's the synonym for greater

later would have been good

that was good that was that was good Don't feel bad about it.

No, no, no.

That was

pretty.

That was pretty fun to do and listen to.

I liked a bad rap.

It was good.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do we do another one?

Yeah.

Here we go.

Let's go the other way.

Oh, the other way.

Counterclockwise.

All right, since I messed up, I'll start.

Thank you.

Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

Hey, everybody.

There's a knock on the door.

Bad rap, bad, rap, bad rap.

I count one, two, three, and five.

Bad rap, bad, rap, bad rap.

Put your hands up.

I'm pointing a gun.

Bad, rap, bad, rap, bad rap.

I said it before, but it's pretty enjoyable.

Bad rap, bad, rap, bad rap.

I like to play music on my flute.

Bad rap, bad, rap, bad rap.

And give me that money.

That's what I call cash.

Bad rap, bad, rap, bad rap.

Hey, Santa's coming down the chimney.

Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

I fell and I sprained my little toe.

Bad rap.

Bad rap, bad, rap, bad, wrap.

Everybody likes to have some fun.

Bad, wrap.

Bad wrap.

Hey, you mugger, I'm going to pull out a knife.

Bad wrap, bad, wrap, bad, wrap.

Look over there.

It's a bright blue ball.

Bad, wrap, bad, wrap, bad, wrap.

When I go shopping, I go to the center.

Bad, wrap, bad, wrap, bad, wrap.

I'm gonna buy a present for my little boy.

Bad wrap, bad, wrap, bad, wrap.

I think he'll want something that'll bring him happiness.

Bad wrap, bad, wrap, bad, wrap.

Look, over there, it's Superman.

Bad, wrap, bad, wrap, bad wrap.

No, it's just Andy Warhol who painted a picture of Maryland Monroe.

Bad wrap, bad, wrap, bad rap.

I got it.

Paint with all the colors.

Bad wrap.

Bad, wrap, bad, wrap, bad, wrap.

That's.

I had all my teeth taken out, not my back ones.

Bad, wrap, bad, wrap, bad rap.

When I go to the dentist, he looks at my teeth.

Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

And I take out my knife right out of its holder.

I can be as tall as a kite.

Bad rap, bad wrap, bad rap.

I have a lot of strength and I have a lot of stamina.

Bad rap, bad, rap, bad rap.

Watch me run.

I go so fast.

Bad rap, bad, rap, bad rap.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

Things have.

And that's how you play Padma.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

I was just thinking how you play.

That would be a really good game if you were thinking you're finally fluent in a language.

Let's play that game because that's a game where you have to figure out rhymes and rhymes and synonyms.

That'd be really hard.

Yeah.

Well, we want to thank Emma

for that game.

Thank you, Emma.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay, I'll say it too.

Thank you.

I think that brings us to the end of the show.

Yeah, it does.

It sure does.

If you'd like to hear ad-free versions of the show, why don't you go to limbnapremium or comedybangbang.com?

If you'd like to write to us, write to us at threedomusagmail.com.

If you'd like to follow us on socials, threedomusa everywhere we are.

And of course, if you want to call us, go to that famous novelty dictionary lookup site.

Hagclaims8.com.

It's the only place where you can say, like, hey, look up dumb shit in the dictionary, online dictionary,

and it'll take you right there.

We We should set it up so that whoever looks it up, it's their picture.

I don't know how to do that, but there's got to be well.

You'll have to let it have access to your computer camera.

I will let it.

It's a mirror that pops up, but really, it's your camera that opens and it's you.

It'll say, Do you want to give Hag Claims 8 access to your phone?

Well, it says, Do you want to look up the definition for stupidity?

And then it just opens your camera and then it's you.

Yeah.

And your credit card gets charged.

Yeah.

For a thousand.

Yeah.

For a thousand.

That's cheap.

What day is it?

For a joke like this?

June

12th, I believe.

Whoa.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay.

To pick up the phone.

Well, then, let me tell you, I'm done with my tour.

You're done.

You're back.

There's a couple dates coming up, though, that are

sly dates.

More on that.

More on what situation

develops.

Look it up.

Oh, we got to put more on to this too.

Yeah, it's June, and I don't know.

You can still read Astonishing Spider-Man on the Marvel Unlimited app.

I mean, yeah.

Okay.

You can read all past issues and all future issues.

You can still read fucking Moby Dick if you want.

Yeah.

It's still out there.

Call me Ahab.

Why don't you?

Is that the first time?

Call me Ahab.

Call me Ishmael.

Oh, right.

He tells the story of Ahab.

So why?

It's a Van Morrison?

Let's do a Twilight style book where it's from Ahab's point of view and he goes, hey, call me Ahab.

Love it.

Love it.

Yes.

Yes.

Without a doubt, yes.

Call him Ishmael.

Okay, call him Ishmael.

It's the same.

He just tells him the same way.

He just tells the same way.

The same story.

All right.

That's it.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.

We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.

So this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.

Uncared for season three from Lemonada Media.

Available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's Lena Waith.

Legacy Talk is my love letter to black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us.

This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Felicia Rashad, Loretta Devine, Ava Duvernay, and more.

We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day.

Come be a part of the conversation.

Season two drops July 29th.

Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast, or watch us on YouTube.