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I'll see you in your dreams.

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?

Yeah.

And look at us now.

Like, we're all grown up.

We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff, and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye.

But for the most part, it's about you.

I mean, it's always been about you.

From Lemonada Media, Alive with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube.

God help me.

God help me.

God save me from freedom.

God bless and keep me.

God bless the TV.

God bless the TV.

God, please bless the TV.

You never think to say it, but there's so many people in the TV.

And you use it all the time.

Yeah, and it needs God's blessing.

No, you guys are so right.

I never really thought about that one.

When you turn the TV off, it's cold for the people in it.

Yeah, they're asleep.

They go to a cold, dark place.

They're asleep.

Yeah, but they're awake.

They're askeep, but they're awake.

They're skinny.

They're skeet, but they're awake.

They're fat, but they're skinny.

It's very ironic.

Don't you like?

I do.

I do.

Yeah, what it all comes down to.

I was glad I haven't got it all figured out, Josh.

Yeah.

um, that Caleb uh Heron post that you shared, yes, was so funny.

Now, here's, I didn't see Breath this year, I'll never see it.

No, you will see it.

Oh, shit, you're gonna sit right down and watch it right now.

All right, what

you

is that's the pronunciation of his last name?

No, okay, because I was like, I actually like he was on my podcast.

I asked him, and I think I'm saying it right.

Okay,

easy lord, easy.

Um,

so I saw that.

I retweeted.

What are we even talking about?

You responded to the retweet.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Yes.

Because you enjoyed it.

The laughter.

Then you DM'd it to me.

Oh, I definitely didn't mean to do that.

I meant to post it on my story.

Which I did do.

You slid into his DM.

I think I did, or maybe I just sent it to you.

I puzzled over it because I was like, why is this?

What?

Yeah.

I also did.

But no, but you know what's weird?

I also sent Mike a DM of something, and he was like, because I was like, oh, did you see that thing I sent you?

And And then he was like, oh, yeah, the earrings or whatever.

And I was like, what?

Yeah, you DM this to me.

I didn't mean to do that at all.

I meant to send it to my family, probably.

Aw, so you think I'm part of your family?

No, I thought I was just thinking of you as

PH.

No, but I think I was probably going, oh, who's PH?

I get it.

Okay.

But I was, I think I was probably still thinking of your name as I was typing what I thought was another name.

But I did that to Mike and I sent him something.

And I was like, what?

What am I doing on this phone?

Like, I'm not even paying attention.

Like, random people getting random messages.

But that was a perfect stand-up bit.

I thought it was so funny.

It's so funny.

He's talking about being a teacher and how he likes the bad kids, and this kid makes fun of him.

And it's just, it plays out very wonderfully.

It's great.

Wonderful.

I wouldn't try to

reenact it.

Please don't.

Obviously.

Although, I'd kind of enjoy it.

I mean, I could try.

From memory?

I could try.

Okay.

Let's see what you got.

Not bad.

Something like that.

It was something like that.

I think.

I think.

I think you know it.

I got an email from a producer that I

he brags all the time.

That I haven't worked with in 15 years or so.

And

it was inexplicable.

And I read it several times and I realized, oh, he didn't mean to write to me.

But it was something like, hey, how do I, he had, he...

He was like, hey, how do I get this taken off or something?

It was like as brief as that.

And I was like, what is this?

And so I wrote back.

I said,

I just wrote back something to the extent of, like, my man, I don't even know what you're talking about, but it's so great to hear from you.

And he was like, oh, sorry, I meant this to send this to IT at my company.

And then I was, and I was like, he goes, but how are you?

What are you up to?

I was like, I'm looking for a job in IT if you hear about anything opening up for someone who can't do something.

And that producer was Robert Eff.

Oh, awesome.

Bagaboo.

But the kicker to the the story is then.

Oh, there's a kicker.

He wrote to me then, accidentally, five more times that day.

That's crazy.

That day.

That day.

He needs to focus.

And each time.

You're one to talk.

The first couple.

The first couple.

Five times.

The first couple I wrote back, like, hey, it's still me.

And he's like, what is happening?

And then the successive times he was like, why am I doing this?

He would like to follow it up immediately.

That's absolutely bonkers.

That is bonkers.

It's banoodles.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good to hear from.

I was going to say, how many times do you think people have used that as a way to like

inadvertently slide it to the DMs or somebody?

Like, send them something.

Yeah, yeah.

Scammers.

This is what they do.

But I mean, what about people who are trying to date somebody where it's like, oh, I wish I could talk to that girl.

I watched it.

And they're like, oops, I meant to send this to you.

How are you?

Yeah.

How have you been?

I didn't see it.

Yeah.

Oh, that's a good one.

Hello, Joanne.

I heard of hello, Joanne.

I've been mentioning

if someone texted you that, but it's your friend.

And you're like, oh, I think you mentioned this to Joanne.

Also, are you okay?

Paige.

Joanne.

Joanne should turn to the tables.

I've done the accidentally emailing someone that when you mean to forward the email to someone else and comment on what the person said, I've only done that once.

And it was to a producer I was working with.

on a movie that we were trying to get made.

And they sent me the tiniest criticism.

And I thought I forwarded it and said, Well, I don't know that I agree with this.

And I instead responded to it.

Oh, no.

And it was like the least dramatic version of it.

Because you're able to go, oh, I'm kidding, because it was a very minor note that you gave.

Yeah, well, no, she knew that it was meant to go to someone else.

And she's like, hey, you sent this to me accidentally, but nice to know you don't agree with it.

And I was like, oh, well, I don't really.

But

it's so

awkward.

It's so embarrassing.

I mean, email snafus are just so embarrassing.

And when you're like, you want to text a friend about somebody else who, I'm like, I will focus on the name I'm sending it to.

Oh, yeah.

And I'm like, I'll read it out loud.

And then I'll read the last messages we send just to be like, this is who I'm talking to.

Because that's the worst.

I did that once.

And it was, I, I, I got out of it.

It was not too damning.

It was, it was open to interpretation.

Yeah.

Right.

And I was, so I was able to wriggle out of it, but it was like, ever since then, scary.

I have been so, so, so, so careful.

It puts the fear of God into your heart.

The F-O-G.

The fog.

That's what John Carpenter made a movie about.

The fog.

The fear of God.

The fog.

Yeah.

The foggy.

Yeah.

Dr.

Fauge.

Oh, Dr.

Fauge.

Oh, Dr.

Fauge.

Oh, we love you, Dr.

Fauge.

We love you, Dr.

Fauge.

If Dr.

Fauci was a dog, it would be Dr.

Fow Doggy.

Oh, my God.

Right?

No.

We all agree.

Dr.

Fou Doggy.

Come on.

We all agree.

I think it would be Dr.

Bow Wowchy.

Dr.

Fow Wow.

Lil Bow Wow?

What about if Scott Akron was a dog?

Dr.

Dog Food.

Dr.

Dog Food would be me.

That's it.

Yes.

Or would it be Dr.

Doghouse?

Okay, what are you?

You tell me.

Dr.

Dog Shitbag.

That's right.

Okay.

So I'm Dr.

Dogfood.

Dr.

She's Dr.

Doghouse.

You're Dr.

Doghouse.

Dog shit bag?

Yes.

That all makes a lot of sense.

And we're all friends because we all met in med school?

Doggy med school?

No, we we don't know each other in that world.

We don't?

Oh, no.

I don't want to live in that world.

We never talk about work.

We never talk about being.

I went to Johns Hopkins's.

That's where you went to school?

Yeah.

In the dog world.

Are you bragging about what you did in the dog?

Because I can't brag about what I do in this one.

I really hate when people talk about what college they went to a lot when they're an adult.

I'm like, who cares?

Yeah, it has no bearing on.

As a college dropout, I could not care less about speech.

Well, I mean, look, this is because of our industry as well.

There's a lot of people who

say

it probably affects other industries of like, oh, you went to, oh, oh, right.

It means nothing to us.

Yeah, to us.

There's definitely a job where it matters where you went to school.

But I still think bragging and sort of, because there's always people who are bragging.

No one's just saying it about some random school they went to.

It's always like Ivy League school.

And then they're like saying it over and over again.

Well, the people,

I know.

The whole Harvard thing of like, oh, I went to a college near, what is it?

What is it that they say?

I went to

college near Cambridge or something like that.

Yeah, right.

The whole bragging in that way without bragging.

I went to school near Cheers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I went to school near the Bull and Finch pub.

Yeah, it happens with a lot of schools.

And it's really, I mean, Harvard's a big one, though, you hear a lot.

I went to school near the marathon bombing.

Not to brag.

Right on top of it.

I never understood people's connection to school after school is done.

Yeah.

Until

i i guess it it really depends on the this is an experience i can understand janie went to a very small school high school it was

it was an all-girls school and sexy yeah and it was so sexy sometimes i think that would have been so great yeah and it was a small class so she's very she feels very connected to them still even though they don't they don't like talk all the time or whatever you know what i mean it would be hard to talk all the time no we try it on this show we try it on this show.

We can barely preach for an hour.

But yeah, I understand that.

It's like you've had this,

it's a totally different thing.

So they go to reunions and stuff like that.

What I'm talking about is people basically name-dropping their own history.

Oh, no, I know that.

Yeah.

That's absurd to do.

But for an adult to be doing that is

that's pathetic.

Yeah.

Although I realize I talk about the acting school I went to, which is college.

For stories.

Well, you're talking about stories.

You're not walking out to people saying, oh, by the way, you may want to hire me as I went to.

I'm a graduate of Artsy Fartsy U.

Literally 30 years ago, I'm realizing.

Ew.

Can you believe it?

This is our anniversary.

This is our anniversary of you doing that.

Of me graduating.

You graduated?

I thought you didn't.

I graduated the acting school.

Okay.

Not college.

Does that make sense?

No.

We would get college credit for everything, but I never graduated.

I never got a degree.

Yeah.

Sorry.

You think you're going to go to DeRye?

I might.

I have looked up college courses here in town.

No, you have talked about this.

And what's stopping you?

Interest?

Yeah.

Why are you looking up the courses?

To see if there's like a course that I would like.

If there was something that jumped out at me, I would maybe go like, oh, I might do that.

What is it?

Like, once a week you have to go to these things?

I have no fucking idea.

I think generally, yeah.

Yeah, that sounds fine.

Like, what day?

Online.

What day?

Every, you know, you kind of pick a day based on what works for you.

Can I say the idea.

That doesn't work.

The idea.

I need structure.

For some reason, I've gotten into a place in my life.

And then you have to pick a class that works with your schedule.

Right.

Oh, my god.

I've gotten to a place in my life where trying to schedule something on a weekly basis seems impossible.

I would pretty much agree with you on that.

Like a thing that I want to do, as opposed to like an obligation.

Yeah, like I have a couple of writing projects and I meet with each of those people to write once a week.

And it's like, that is hard to maintain.

Like it's like, it takes a lot of time and energy and focus, and it's good, but it's like you have to really build it into the world.

What if it's at night?

Well, I'm doing that tonight.

I'm actually writing at night tonight because I was like, maybe this will be right at night?

Yeah.

I'm going to do it after Holly goes to bed.

That's my idea.

We're going to meet on Zoom.

It's impossible and write at 7:30.

What if whatever you write, she ends up dreaming about?

Wow, that would be so amazing.

I hope not.

Why?

Because it's vulgar.

Oh, you don't want a vulgar child.

Yeah.

God hates a vulgar child.

Truly.

What are the things that God hates the most?

Okay, God hates.

He's look, number one with a bullet, Beelzebub himself.

Even though they used to be best friends.

They used to be buds.

So

that's how it goes.

Yeah.

That's how it goes sometimes.

That's how it goes sometimes.

It's none of our business.

Also, Beelzebub.

It's not our business.

Devil, he's too good at what he does.

So it's like it burns.

It just chaps God's butt.

How bad does God feel that the devil can tempt people into doing things?

I know.

And it works.

And it works because that's the thing is like, God's like, hey, none of you have to sin.

Yeah.

But then the devil comes along and is so good at tempting.

He's like,

because no one wants to be gay, right?

The devil just,

it's too good.

The devil just tempts people.

What if you were gay?

And it's so tempting.

We, you know, in my life, I think I've talked more about God and the devil with you two than when I'm in the world.

I know.

I hope so.

Well, I hope so.

I think during that episode of Good Christian Fun, I unpacked a lot of trauma during it.

Oh, really?

You mean trauma?

Trauma.

Trauma.

Really?

Did it come out on air or did you realize it later?

I think

afterwards, I was like, oh, wow, that's stuff I haven't thought about in a while.

And it really fucked me up for years.

Yeah, it'll do that.

Yeah.

Did I tell you guys?

I'm not sure if I've told this story on air before.

Oh, please tell it.

But the story of when I appeared on an episode of God, the Devil, and Bob.

Do you remember that card, Jim?

I remember that card.

Who was in it again?

Robert Downey Jr.

That's right.

Yeah, pre-Iron Man.

Pre-Iron Man.

So it was a 90s.

Before his big resurgence.

Yeah.

Maybe

early aughts.

Oh, wow.

It was that recently.

He was still kind of in trouble.

I'll be looking up the title.

Yes.

But I think it was Alan Cumming, Robert Downey Jr., and I forget who else.

But

I was

hired to be a guest actor on this show.

The idea is three.

Did you you audition?

I did not audition.

Congratulations!

Offer!

Never gotten anything from a voiceover audition in my life.

Me either.

It's a really weird.

Or any audition.

It feels like you just shoot me.

The only thing I've ever gotten from an audition.

I don't remember.

Come on.

All they did was look at my butt.

Ooh la la.

Sex.

T-shirt is now for sale.

T-shirt for sale?

I don't even know if they're moving at all.

Yeah, we haven't checked it on it.

And we've only posted about it once.

Wait, which one?

Did we even like it?

No, not ours.

It's for.

Just wait till December, though.

That's when they're

Christmas time.

It's a comedy band-made shirt.

Ula Lasa.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you're looking for Christmas time, when we release the best of, you're looking for a last-minute gift that you can't get on time, then definitely order one of these shirts.

You should order it now.

So you should order it now in time for Christmas.

That's when it'll get there.

Santa will bring it down the chimney.

Sure.

And it looks like almost, almost like, it's like, oh my God, you know what?

What is that cartoon?

I don't know what you're trying to say.

It looks almost almost like.

First, I was going to say it looks almost like bitmojis.

Then I was going to say it looks like, and I, oh, what is the name of the show?

And I think Kevin's going to be able to help me.

And it was like a family where they were like always in the jungle and stuff.

Jungle family.

It was on, it was like the wild.

Tarzan Jungle.

Tarzan Jungle.

The Nickelodeon.

Nickelodeon

show.

The Nickelodeon show.

The Thornberries, the Wild Thornberries.

Marv Thornberry.

The The luxurious people.

The Wildsons.

It was

the Thornberries.

And it is honestly a very similar drawing style.

Thornberry.

Man, I'm curious if it's the same guy.

Yeah, I'll find out.

So I got hired to do this.

I am one of three

people that escaped from an insane asylum or whatever.

And so we're all crazy characters.

We have our individual personalities.

Okay.

And so at the table read,

you know, we do it and it's real funny.

Did I audition for this?

I did audition for this.

Wow, you're a liar.

Because at the table read,

one of the other actors who was in my little triptitch,

he had the line right before, he had his first line, right before my first line, and he did the same voice that I auditioned.

Oh, what?

Like the same kind of character that I was doing.

And then, so then immediately I'm like, I got to mix this up somehow.

And we go right from the table read to the record.

Whoa.

And that's stressful.

Nobody mentioned this.

Nobody mentioned it.

Nobody.

I feel that someone who worked on the show should have said it.

And I had a friend who worked on the show who never said anything about it.

And I'm like, you guys know what's going on.

You know what's going on here.

Yeah, this is.

Because the audition, I think, was, I feel like it was an in-person audition because this is before you could

send shit in.

Like even before, but even before COVID, you could record stuff at home and send it in.

No, and I sort of prefer the in-person

because then I could direct you.

But those days are over, apparently.

But, you know, I couldn't believe that nobody was saying.

Instead, they're giving me all this direction.

Like,

oh, like I'm fucking it up.

And I'm like, but this is how this character is written.

Like, I'm definitely doing it.

I'm doing a what it was like there was a logic to the voice that I was doing.

But someone stole it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

yeah and he didn't know you know what I mean like we weren't there together do they ever say to you like no just do it like the way you did in the audition and then you sound just the same way that he did or no no or you just changed your voice and no one said anything I just kept trying to change it up I it was really hard also There was the third actor.

I will not say his name, but I'll tell you off air.

Oh, boy, this is juicy.

Was a

comedian, an older comedian who's been around for a while.

This guy was so distracting during, because we were all in the same room.

This very rarely happens, too.

We were all in the same room recording at the same time.

And this guy, like, whenever he wasn't talking,

he like had a notebook and he was drawing and he would like show me stuff or whatever.

And it's like, we're, we're working.

We're doing this.

But like, he never stopped talking when he was allowed to talk.

Yeah.

Like, in between, you know, takes or whatever, he would just be talking, talking, talking.

And then we would roll and he would like be showing me notes and shit like that.

I'm like,

you can't do this.

It's like school.

So, how did you?

So, you didn't get fired?

They replaced me.

They did.

They let me record the day, and then they got somebody else to do the vintage.

No one ever said to you what?

No one ever said a fucking thing.

Did you watch it and see, oh, they did the voice that I did?

Never seen it.

Never seen it.

Wow.

And then, why did this come up in your mind?

Just because we said we were talking about God?

God and the devil.

Got it.

And Bob.

Bob was the only one not mentioned.

And I was like, I got to get him in there.

I got a story about this guy.

Are we going to start asking that?

Why did you think that?

No, no, the reason I asked is because

I've been listening to the whole story through the prism of he wants to talk about something that fucked him up the way because it came off of me saying religion had fucked me up.

And so I was like, okay, what has fucked Paul up?

And said it was, no, just you heard the word.

Well, that was the worst experience of my life.

And it changed my whole personality.

Yeah.

That sounds really bad.

Wow.

So you're listening to the story.

You're like, how does this relate to me?

Well, no, but to like, usually when somebody goes.

Oh, did I tell you this story?

But you forget about the interruptions that happen.

Pardon the interruption.

Why are we farting?

Pardon the interruption.

That's my question every episode.

If someone said, pardon the interruption and then went,

that'd be funny.

My friend used to say, my friend used to fart and say, pardon my dust.

I thought that was funny.

I'm sure I i talked about this but my friend called farts blowing dust off a turd and i thought that was like the funniest

wow

it's so gross

all right we'll be right back ryan stenk

back to school season school season little boys and girls but you know what's not on the shillabish this year?

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And we're back.

And Lauren is

here.

If you could just be present.

I am present.

Lauren, be present with her.

Lauren was Googling.

She loves a goo.

I love a goog.

She loves to goo.

She's like, she's so inquisitive.

You're going to be a little bit of a colour.

That's why we call her goo goo.

Google me.

Google me.

Google me.

What if a pop singer came out and said their name was Lady Googoo?

Oh, my God.

That would be fucking awful.

I think that's the way to be.

I would be.

I think that someone should do that and it should be really good.

Oh, yeah.

I'm Lady Googoo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And no, it's not a parody or anything.

It's just that's my statement.

I think she's fine.

I'm not really familiar with her.

I've always been Lady Googoo, and like she got really famous, but I was like, well, I'm not going to change my name.

Yeah.

What if it was Gugu Mbatha?

What's her name?

Gugu Mbatha.

From Merkerson?

No.

From Long Order?

Gugu Mbatha Ra.

Yeah.

Is that her name?

I don't know who you're talking about.

She's a great actress who you may know from Cloverfield the Third One.

Oh.

A bunch of great stuff.

Guess what?

I hope that's not what you're counting on me to know her from.

Her name is Googoo.

Google, yeah.

That's a great name.

Yeah.

It would be very cool.

cool she's got oh you may know her from the morning show where her character committed su you see that was her

scuakide

goofy side oh man

that was a dark movie where goofy kills himself oh my god

oh no i just can't take it anymore i don't think it was canon though like it was like they did that no no no it was it was definitely an alternate universe Aberition.

Oh, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren.

Scott, Scott, Scott, what are you doing for your birthday coming up?

I'm going out of town.

This episode will probably have already aired

at that point.

I believe.

Don't send me birthday wishes.

Where are you going?

Barcelona.

Oh.

Can I come?

And they never asked that.

I'm going on a little trip up north a bit.

Nice.

With a couple of friendlies.

That'll be great.

A couple of mutuals.

Are you going to friendlies?

Yes.

Oh, get a fribble.

And this.

Fribble?

Yes.

They bullied us into going on this trip.

For your birthday?

Well, it's not in celebration of my birthday.

It was like

there were two windows.

Hey, pick one of these windows and you're going on this trip with us.

And is it like a 4th of July trip?

No, it was just a let's get out of town trip.

So you'll be back for the fourth?

Or

actually, Paul and I are going to do something on the fourth.

Oh, what do you do?

Together.

Oh, my Christ.

That's right.

Don't make any other plans.

I can't tell you because I don't remember what it is we're doing.

Okay.

But I know that we're doing it.

We're going to the Hollywood Bowl, my dear.

We're going to the Hollywood Bowl, my dear.

What are you doing?

We're going to see, I think it's Linda Gugu.

I know.

That's a good impression on him.

We're going to Steve Martin and Martin Short.

Oh, that's right.

Yes.

That's fun.

Very excited.

I'm very excited.

I love them together.

I'm very excited again.

Yes.

On July 4th with Fireworks.

That's great.

I was saying after watching their special on Netflix that you and I should figure out a thing that we can do.

That would be fun.

And then we never did it.

Well, we did do kind of something at

that Oregon Festival.

No,

Washington.

Yeah, The Gorge and Washington.

Yes.

Yeah.

Washington State.

Sasquatch.

Sasquatch.

The Sasquatch Festival.

And we did it, but it was more of a, it would have been more of a theater experience, I think.

It would have played better in a theater rather than a tent with a bunch of

horrible

102 degrees out on the last day of a festival when people are in a tent trying to get out of the sun.

That was my slot as well.

They're super high and they can't focus on anything.

Yeah.

But it was fun, but where we each did separate things and then we did things together.

Together, yes.

Just the two of us.

That was fun.

Wow.

So are Kulop and Janie going or is it just a boys night?

Kulop and Janie are going.

And we're going to not pay attention to them.

Yeah.

No, we're going to say, after everything that Steve Martin and Martin Short say, we're going to turn to our wives and say, you probably don't get that.

It's kind of a guy thing.

This is real guy comedy.

I'll explain later if I feel it.

I saw Martin Short.

Morton Short.

Martin Short.

I saw Morton Short.

I saw Morton Short.

You saw Morton Short

Since the day?

You should be telling that on the show.

I saw Martin Short up in Vancouver, the Vancouver Festival one year, the last year ever for the festival, the year we all got stiffed.

That was a mess, that thing.

Yeah.

And

did they pay anyone?

No.

Martin Shorten might have gotten paid, and that's why.

If anyone did, he did.

Yeah.

And I felt so bad for him because he

was great.

Loved it.

And he finished his show.

And as he's taking his bow,

the organizer of the festival rushed on stage because he wanted to present him with this gift or whatever.

And the applause immediately yeah, because it sounds like an emergency is happening or something.

But but everyone was like,

oh, oh, something else is happening.

And so he got, he didn't get his big applause at the end.

It was awful.

And it was like a piece of shit art thing.

Yeah, it was like a painting a local artist had made for him.

And he was very gracious and he was very much like, oh, thank you so much.

How nice.

But you could tell it was like, dude, I'm taking my bow.

Like, A, wait till

the cheers die down, then hand it off as the cheers are happening and you walk off stage.

B, throw that in the trash and never let him see it.

Yeah.

C, give it to him offstage.

Yeah.

D, go fuck yourself.

D, never let the person paint it.

Go read D again.

E, don't pick up the phone.

The phone ring ring.

Don't pick up the phone.

Is that new rules?

New rules.

Yeah, I don't remember.

Was it new rules?

New rules.

Don't pick up the phone.

No, it can't be new rules.

Yeah, sure, it can't be.

It's just new rules.

It is.

That's Bill Maher's thing.

No one knows that.

Can you imagine a world where people are like, did you see Bill Maher's New Rules last night?

Or to go like, hey, but you can't name your song next to Bill Maher's thing.

Exactly.

I mean, I don't know that I would.

It's like when Maroon 5 came out with like the Red Pill Blues or whatever their album was, and everyone was like, hey, do you know what being red-pilled means?

And they didn't know.

And it was way too late in the, like, albums were all on the way to the presses and stuff.

And they're like, We did not know, and we can't change it.

I still haven't seen The Matrix, but I've picked up a little bit on what things are.

They were basing it on The Matrix, they were like, We just like the Matrix, as were the other idiots.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Oh, there's another meaning of red-pilled, yes, yes.

I don't even know the Matrix.

Look it up and get red-pilled yourself.

Well, I don't think it's gonna be good.

You should see the Matrix.

The first Matrix is really fun.

First one is great.

Someone did just

say

the second one you can watch just for fun action sequences and then turn it off having seen.

I think the freeway thing is oh, okay.

Yeah.

It's so long.

I looked it up.

I know.

Just then just watch the way.

Well, does anyone want me to read it for the people who don't know?

No, the freeway thing is so long.

Or am I really in the minority here?

But only just watch, make that the movie.

Yeah.

That should have been the movie.

And it should be called Freeway.

Matrix 2.

It's 20 minutes long.

Matrix 2 Freeway.

Wait, how are people going to know?

Sorry, guys.

That's The Matrix.

It's just called Freeway.

The latest Matrix movie included canon from

the video game, The Matrix.

Like they, everything that they did, Matrix-related, was considered canon for that universe.

And so it was like, I had no fucking idea what was going on in the movie.

Because I didn't see the third one.

Yeah.

I like the idea of it, and I like the first

idea of it.

Here's what I would have done with it.

Yeah.

Okay, so the, the, that basically Keon because it starts with Keanu Reeves like in an advertising job or something like that.

Yes.

And he said, no,

he's the guy who made the Matrix video game or whatever.

Yeah.

And I like the idea.

I the idea of basically the Matrix has recaptured him and convinced him that the Matrix experience was all just like something he thought of as a video game.

And then he has to fight his way out of it.

Here's the tough time I have with that is that sort of

that's all off screen.

Yeah.

Right.

No, that I prefer the whole movie be off screen.

So then it's just like a minute long and somebody's saying like, here's a crazy thing that just happened.

Yeah.

And they describe it and then credits.

You'd like that.

You'd like minute long movies.

I love a minute long movie as long as it just gets right to the point.

And then I would take two hours of credits and I'll read all of them.

Yes, out loud.

Let's

do Holly.

Let's take MLM back

instead of multi-level marketing.

Yes.

Make it a minute-long movie.

I think you're right.

Yes.

And let's take MLK back.

Minute-long.

MLK.

What are we taking it back from?

Oh, that was the other thing.

Are you saying it's bad?

That was the other music-related thing that came out when Justin Timberlake put out a song called Take Back the Night, and everyone was like,

Everyone's like, hey, you know, that's actually not something you should probably be singing like a sexy love song about.

And he was like, oh, I didn't know.

Fucking dumb dumb.

I didn't know that that was a thing.

I'm like, you would never.

And no one called him on.

And no one would ever call their song Take Back the Night.

Like, no one has ever thought of those words together.

Like, he's like...

But wouldn't like the people who worked on the song, which is probably 15 to 20 people.

That's the whole thing about Red Pill Blues.

Someone in the chain of command fucked up.

It's so wild to think how many people are involved in a project like that.

And not one of them has the courage or said.

That's the courage.

Or yeah, or the courage was like, should I say something about them?

Yeah.

But I feel like I'm missing something here.

And let me just.

Okay, I feel that way too.

Red-pilled.

I feel like I get everything.

Cause someone to have their perspective dramatically transformed, especially by introducing them to a new and typically disturbing understanding of the true nature of a particular situation.

That's, yes.

They are talking about conspiracy theories and claim they have been red-pilled.

Origin, the 1990s, with reference to a scene in the film The Matrix, in which the protagonist is offered the choice between taking a blue pill that will restore his ordinary experience.

What you're not getting is the specific type of person who says they've been red-pilled.

Yes.

It's not so.

It's important to later net users to favorably describe their own socio-political viewpoints.

Got it.

But the best is that I think the earliest origins of it being used in that way can be traced to a guy.

A guy who was saying he

was red-pilled into understanding that women control, actually are control of everything.

And

he realized it because his.

Something about his mother making him take diarrhea.

All right.

It's just so funny to say, like, that's how he really like women are actually in charge of everything.

And would that be something I would know about as a woman?

Or would I, or is that, you know what I mean?

Like, how does that work when it's like something like that, like a conspiracy theory like that?

Would you, how would you know about that as a woman?

Like, I guess, like, his, when you believe if you believe something so insane, yeah, do you think that all women are walking around secretly knowing that we're in charge?

Right, exactly.

But I think we're not telling you.

Yes, exactly.

You won't admit it is the thing.

You won't admit it that you actually hold all the cards.

Yeah.

I love that idea.

Yeah, yeah.

But it all really comes down to, it's like, I'm mad at my mommy.

And also, women can deny sex.

So that means that they are in control of everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's it.

Yeah.

That's everything.

That's everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They run the world.

Girls.

Men can deny sex too.

Yeah, but only to other men.

We can't deny it to women.

Nope.

Well, honey.

Scott, get real.

Okay, you're right.

It's just too good.

Ooh, a lot of sex.

Ooh, a lot of sex.

Those shirts are available now at BobSwag.com.

Bob Swag.

Hi, I'm Bob Swag.

Won't you buy some t-shirts from me?

The god, the devil, and bobswag.com.

Oh, no, I got replaced on the t-shirt.

Do you, what conspiracy theories do you believe?

A bunch of them.

So I guess if we'll just give them.

But it is true.

I don't really think I really get on board with most conspiracy.

I hear about them kind of late.

I feel like I'm like, oh.

I had a friend who was really trying to tell me about the 9-11 being a controlled demo.

Yeah, I definitely have heard that.

That's one of those conspiracies.

There are certain conspiracies that I don't believe, but I can say,

yeah,

I get why people

are too crazy to me.

Yeah, I don't know.

Most of them are like so many people would have to be involved, and no one can ever keep a secret.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the thing that always trips me up.

It's like, no, there's no way that anybody we would something, something that colossal could never be created.

Involved that.

So many people.

Yeah.

It's like people can't even meet at the White House

without someone leaking it to the press.

You know what I mean?

Like the first time that anyone ever got a group together and saying, should we take down the World Trade Center?

Manuk Bull went to the White House.

Everybody knew about it.

My favorite, I think, is the moon landing, that the moon landing was famous.

Yeah, that's a bizarre one.

Yeah.

Because, I mean, at this point, I guess anyone involved is dead, right?

No.

Well, no, but

is he still alive?

I thought he was recently alive.

He was on Dancing with the Stars, wasn't he?

What?

What?

How'd he do?

How'd he do?

Did he win?

He is alive.

He did the moonwalk every single time.

He is alive.

He's 92 years old.

Interestingly, he's been married multiple times, but he got divorced most recently.

He's been married three times.

Old divorces make me sad.

I know, me too, because the most recent one was 2012.

It's like 10 years ago.

Old divorces make me sad.

All the dude out there.

He had a wife.

He's going to get divorced.

I am almost dead.

His wife, Joan Archer, from 1954 to 1974.

So that's 20 years, including the time when he went to the moon.

Okay, that's a good one.

Then he had a marriage for three years,

1975, one year after his divorce, and then 1978 ended.

And then he waited 10 years and married Lois Driggs-Cannon.

And then she and he got divorced in 2012.

Wow.

It makes me wonder why, like, why at eight, like, is it just you just hate it?

And not to judge anyone.

Anyone who wants to get divorced should get divorced.

Well, they were married for almost 20 years.

I think everyone should get divorced.

Anyone who even, the thought crosses your mind, should I get divorced?

Get divorced immediately.

If you're married, get divorced.

No, they're married for 14 years.

And it's like, if you,

that's not too 80, though.

Like, she's younger.

Oh, no, she was born in 1929.

Move again.

They were both old.

That's really what it comes down to for me.

She's almost like a divorce.

Maybe it's just your miserable.

She's 100.

Maybe it's just your fucking miserable of like, I just cannot tell you.

Oh, she passed away, but.

Okay, got it.

Yeah, got it.

And then they got divorced.

They got divorced.

She passed away six years after they got divorced.

Maybe she got to have a lot of fun without him.

Who knows what his deal is?

I'm going to live it up.

I want to see how he did on the back of the bag.

I'm back going to the market.

Hello, boys.

I did want to.

I'm on rise.

Show us a picture of him.

He He was 10th place

of the woman.

Yeah.

I want to see this hot little piece of ass.

Let me see this hot senior.

Oh!

Ruca!

Ruka!

Yeah.

Wow.

I don't know what I was expecting, but that's still surprising.

Well, here she is younger.

Oh!

She had a bit of plastic surgery later, but it seems like there she didn't really.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's got all his metals on.

Who wouldn't fall in love?

Who wouldn't?

With a moon man with metals.

But when you go to the moon, that's the best thing you're ever going to do.

It's all literally downhill from there.

Yeah, yeah.

You know?

So it's like, it's like you're hitching your wagon to a star in decline.

Oh, that is poetic shit.

You know?

I mean, where would you go in space?

the sun.

I mean, like, the moon seems like one of the easiest things to do because it's not, we know there's no life there.

In terms of the clay closest, that we only you can reach.

See if you can hear so people know what you're talking about when you want to be like, you're like, that place.

Yeah, I want there.

It's the only thing, it's the only thing

that we can land on right now, right?

As human beings.

Probably.

Can people go to Mars?

Should people go to Mars?

Mars Rover.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think that we can go there yet.

How long does it take?

I remember the voice you did on Bob the Devil and Bob.

How long does it take to get there?

Isn't that a problem?

Yeah, it takes years, I think, right?

Yeah.

To get to the moon?

No,

to the moon, it's like

10 days.

Tomorrow.

When we have looked this up before.

If you go, yeah, if you go,

you're not coming back.

If you go to Mars.

Is that true?

I'm going to look it up because people are screaming.

I don't give a fuck.

Let them scream.

Let them scream.

Who's screaming?

Martians?

They're like

eating their shit potatoes?

Matt Damon.

Shit potatoes.

Matt Damon.

Oh, right.

Hey, look, it only takes between 150 and 300 days.

So if you go there, you're never coming back.

I swear to God, I heard that.

Why is it taking such a, why is there such a wide range?

Oh, I guess.

Seven months.

I guess it's because if you were to,

when they're talking about it in terms of like colonization or something, that you have to go

to all the infrastructure and everything, and you couldn't,

you know,

no, nine months.

Fuck, that's a long time to travel.

Yeah, all in all,

if you want to make it a round trip, all in all, it would take about 21 months, as you need to wait about three months on Mars to make sure Earth and Mars are a suitable location to make the trip back home.

Dang!

I don't think that's a good idea.

I don't think anyone should ever go there.

I don't think it's necessary.

If you do, bring a copy of date night.

I think you should wait to go until we can get there faster.

Just even like, let's shave off two months off of that.

I think it should take five months max to get anywhere.

Yeah.

And like, if it takes longer than that, you shouldn't go.

If anything takes longer than five months, out.

It should be like making

an ocean crossing.

How long did it take them to get to America?

Columbus.

How long was his trip?

Oh, I don't know.

And he got lost, too.

So don't factor that in for this dumbass.

He thought he was going.

Yeah.

Columbus.

He sucked as an explorer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How long don't

was his trip okay how long was columbus trip he just put in how long was his trip and the and google's like columbus do you mean

our lord jesus christ 14 well he journeyed for 33 years on earth 36 days that's not long that's not long at all anyone could do this i'll do it today they're they're all you're on survivor longer than that usually

you're really upset about that fucking idiot columbus a lot of people probably got scurvy and stuff

yeah Scurvy, it's tough.

Just take take your Flintstones vitamins.

Scurvy, it's tough.

Scurvy, it's very tough.

You gotta have your Flintstones vitamins.

You gotta

get Flintstones vitamins.

I gotta eat the old standby.

Gotta get Maury.

This is the lines from Modern Romance.

When he's all drunk and he's like talking about how he needs to get vitamins and he's like,

he's out of everything.

And then he has a giant tub and he's like, I gotta eat.

I gotta eat the old standby.

And then he opens it up and there's nothing in it.

And he goes, gotta get more E.

What is that?

Albert Brooks fun.

The most funny lines of any movie.

Oh, great.

Oh, great.

And then we'll watch it someday.

Oh, maybe you will.

Albert Brooks movies.

What if you and Nicole did Albert Brooks movies as the next episode?

Oh, yeah.

Absolutely.

Because you can do Finding Nemo.

I want to go back to Tyler Perry.

You go back to Terry.

Just go back to Tyler Perry.

Yeah, we only did 10 episodes.

I feel like we could get a lot more done with Tyler.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

We're wrapping up this segment.

Oh, in the way we always do, by take a break.

Which is we each draw straws.

Yep.

And decide who's going to

throw us a break.

We'll be right back.

All right.

So

cut up three straws.

All right.

Here we go.

You got this one.

And I got this one.

Oh, Paul.

Uh-oh.

Wait, let me see your straws.

Okay, let's put ours next to each other.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, this is not looking.

Does it go from the top to the bottom?

Yes.

Okay.

Got it.

Okay.

I guess it's me.

Yep.

We'll be right back.

Okay.

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And we're back and it's time for a three-charge.

I can't believe it.

I really

can't.

I can't believe it's three trend time already.

I'm a bit surprised, but I'm also totally on board.

Do you remember the cereal alphabets?

Yeah.

Do they still make it?

Those were really good.

Why were they?

I don't think they do.

They were just a sugary little alphabet.

You know, I always like to chomp into a different shape, and they had a lot of different shapes.

26 to be exact.

Do they do all 26?

Oh, yes.

You could spell stuff in your cereal.

Do you know that sometimes I

confuse the amount of letters in the alphabet with the amount of teeth in the human head?

How many teeth are there?

Because I never remember that.

I believe it's 32.

That's my guess, actually, that I had in my head.

And how old was Jesus when he died?

33.

It's because he was one tooth missing.

And how they used to have more teeth back then.

Yeah.

And you would live to the age of your teeth.

Did he lose a tooth every year on his birthday?

He losed a tooth every year on his birthday.

And so by the end, Jesus had no teeth?

No teeth.

Wow.

That's why they crucified him.

No teeth.

Yeah.

I'm counting my teeth, and it's not, it's not adding.

I'm counting my teeth.

And you're using your tongue to do this?

The most precise tool?

It is for some things, my man.

Oh, shit.

That's a sexy.

All right, well, guys, it is time for a 32.

It does make sense.

Oh, you counted 32?

Well, I counted eight on one side, eight on the bottom side, and then I thought that equals 32.

I can't make my tongue thin enough.

To like there was some.

I can make mine paper thin.

No, I was really just focused on that.

That's too thin.

Like, there's one.

I'll give you a paper cut.

It's on multiple teeth at the same time, but I'm going, okay, that's one, that's two.

That's about five tooth.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Or tooth like four teeth.

Yeah.

Part of my tooth has crumbled away, by the way.

What?

Oh, no.

It didn't hurt.

That's crumblable.

I was eating a little.

Were you eating a chocolate chip sahoy cookie?

I was eating a chocolate chip treat.

Whoa.

That's crumbelievable.

And then I hit something that was supposed to be like a soft batch chocolate chip, but was not.

Whoa.

And I was like, what is this?

And it pulled out a piece of tooth.

One of my MOLARs.

It didn't hurt at all.

Do you have to get it repaired?

I'm going to find out.

I go to the dentist tomorrow.

Oh, let us know.

Keep us updated.

I was going to go to the dentist.

I was going to go to the next episode of 3D.

I was going to go to the dentist earlier, but then I got COVID-19.

COVID gets in the way of plans.

It really does.

You know, we used to go to the same dentist, did we not?

Oh, that guy loves it.

Oh, that guy.

And he would.

Yes, you didn't like him.

That was bad news.

He treated me bad.

yeah and but he would always ask about you when i was there and then because because uh

i got the recommendation from bob odenkirk he would always say how is robert doing and i was like you don't know him

how's robert um i do to you he did a um

uh he put a crown on and then it fell on king

he said you dropped this you dropped this king.

No, you dropped it.

I did a crowd on my tooth.

And it came off like almost immediately.

As you're saying, good ball.

And then I was like, hey, this thing, you know, you got to put it back on.

And he like rushed me through.

So, like, gave me an anesthetic, did not wait for the anesthetic to

take place.

Yes.

And it was like, hey, my mouth hurts.

Hurts a lot.

Hurts donut.

He was bad.

Yeah.

I saw you.

I painted him too.

Yeah, good for you.

Then I went to another dentist that a friend of mine went to, and one of the hygienists there would confuse us for each other.

And like, ask me,

hey, how's Lisa?

Lisa.

Oh, oh, I thought he was confusing you with Lisa.

No.

How's Lisa?

And I'm like,

but he was asking in the third person.

Yeah.

Wait, was it Wendy from Wendy and Lisa?

Yeah.

Wow.

Wendy Melvoyne.

Melvoin.

All right.

Let's play this three trip.

And he would say, Wendy, and I would say, yes, Lisa.

Is the water hot?

Yes, Lisa.

Yes, Lisa.

Do you have a sensitivity to hot water?

Yes, Lisa.

You need a root canal.

Do, do, do, do, do.

Lauren just smiling, clapping.

She does my love.

This is cute, guys.

I don't get it, but I like what I'm hearing.

You love it.

I love it.

All right.

This is a three-tier culture.

Oh, I actually took a video of I Love It, I Don't Care that I meant to send you the other night, and I forgot.

Oh, well, the wedding I was at.

Oh, please do.

People were dancing to it?

Yeah.

Oh, I love it.

Yeah.

I don't want to say that.

This was submitted by Krista, and this is called Pitch Manteau.

Pitch Manteau, which is a portmanteau of pitching and portmanteau, I believe.

Okay.

Okay.

So.

Elegant portmanteau.

This is a lot like

structured like switch it and pitch it in a way.

Here's what I like about the three-shirt.

Yeah.

There's five ingredients.

Yeah.

This is like our Taco Bell.

One is.

Yes, exactly.

One is a portmanteau.

One is switch.

And one is

guessing.

And one is improving.

Song is big ingredient.

Yeah.

Song is big ingredient.

So

one person is pitching to two people, but the way they figure out what they're going to pitch is

separately, the other two people that you're pitching to send you one word.

Fuck.

And then you have to

put the two words together

and pitch that.

So it's not like you're making a portmanteau of the two words, but you're using both of them.

Oh, wait, guys, sorry.

Spam risk.

I got to take that.

Oh, okay, yeah.

I love her.

Put them on the mic.

Hello?

This message is provided by the Administration of Energy Savings.

Okay, go ahead.

Oh.

Your home is eligible for up to $10,000

for clean energy economy.

Wait, out of $1.3 billion?

The fuck off?

That's chump change.

Why do you get me all excited?

You got to go for the whole whole 1.3 price.

How about a million?

Yeah.

Why is that such a thing right now?

So many spam calls.

I don't know.

I don't know, but I get them three times a day and that exact same one of the $1.3 billion.

But let me tell you something.

My auto is warrantied like you wouldn't buy it.

Oh my God.

I got one today about my car warranty.

Well, I hope you got the warranty.

Well, I sent them my social security number and $5 million wire transfer.

Good.

And Apple gift cards.

Yes, and it all should be working out.

I do warranty by the end of the day.

The scammers are starting to leave me alone.

The text scammers.

Just like Britney.

Chris Crocker yelled at them.

Which is, it's, you know, it's bittersweet because I did enjoy

messaging with them.

Yeah.

And there's never a satisfying conclusion.

They just kind of like stop.

They peter out because they realize you're not a.

Like the days of you go to hell are long.

Those were so.

I had one recently on WhatsApp, and I was pretending to be a guy.

And then at a certain point, the girl or whoever asked me about my WhatsApp picture or something,

which was like, it's not me, but it's something else.

And then they were like, oh, so who's that?

And then it was at this kind of like, it felt like they were trying to go, well, then who's that in this picture?

And then what's this?

And then what's this?

And then they're like, let's take this off WhatsApp and text on the phone.

And I was like, oh, they're trying to get me to the next level.

Yeah.

It didn't happen.

That's me.

I just blocked them and moved on.

But yeah.

The last one I had on WhatsApp

was pretty good.

Hi, how's it going?

We haven't talked in a while.

We should catch up soon.

Great opening.

I wrote back.

Things are pretty good.

Thank you.

I got a judge to

declare me legally immune to COVID and we'll probably be interviewed on the news soon.

How are you?

I miss us.

Oh, I'm pretty good.

I miss both of you too.

How are you today?

We were just talking about how long it's been since we did the fun night of entertainment together.

All three of us having so much fun.

I'm okay, although I have just tested positive for COVID-24.

Somehow I skipped two COVIDs.

How are you?

How many COVIDs?

Yes, we are.

How is your wife?

Is she going fine?

She is going so fine.

Thank you.

We were worried she wouldn't be able to go as fine as she is, but she worked hard.

How are you?

Oh, yeah.

Happy for hear that she is going so fine.

I am fine, thank.

How about you?

I just espouse it for COVID-25.

I can't believe how many COVIDs I'm racking up, but I don't feel too badly other than loss of touch.

Oh, I'm really sorry for hearing that.

It's you on your profile?

Thank you for your kind words.

They fill my heart with light.

My profile is me and always will be.

Is your profile you?

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

I am.

Maybe that's part of the scam they were asking about my profile.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thinking Fo.

Thinking Foe, have we talked before?

Oh, this is wonderful news.

We are both who we say we are.

Oh, we have spoken before.

We are good friends.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes, we are a good friends.

Such a good feeling.

Oh, yes.

May I know your name, please?

Robert, Robert and Emma?

Yes, I am Robert and Emma.

And your name is?

Mia Bella.

Such a lovely name.

What does it mean?

It's mean beautiful.

Ah, my name, Robert, means mechanical man with a few letters changed.

Do you ever look at the stars and think that there is life out there?

Yo, yeah, really.

Who name is Mr.

Paul F.

Tompkins?

Oh, no, have I been hacked?

Who hacked you?

This Paul Thompson guy, he's hacked me almost 10 times now.

Are you trying to tell me a story?

Yes, it's a story of fraud and triumph.

Shall I go on?

Okay, go on, man.

Okay, this starts about 25 years ago in in Colorado.

I was quite the ski bum back in those days, skiing and fun doing my way up and down the state for as long as the snow stayed on the ground.

One day I get an email from someone I've never heard from.

The email said, written down, I am you, whatever I want.

Mia, I'm sure you can imagine I was perplexed.

It was signed, Mr.

Paul F.

Tompkins.

Oh, yeah.

Since then, every few years, this guy hacks into my computer phone and pretends to be my dear friends like you, Mia Bella.

It's humiliating.

I am beta male to him.

Like me?

Okay, beta male.

Yes, we have established previously in the thread that we are friends.

Anyway, what did you want to scam me about?

Yo, what's up?

It's still me.

Where do I scam you?

Right here.

Let's do it.

Do I need to scam you now?

Yeah, you are sure you want me to scam you.

Are you ready?

I thought that was the whole point.

And then some, some like GIF that I had to download, but I wouldn't download.

I'm scared to look at that.

Is it the scam?

Let me ask Emma if it's safe.

Oh, you want to know about Emma?

Is she safe?

She is my wife, which is Canon.

I feel like you are trying to retcon the thread.

And then she sent me an office gift, which is clearly Brian Baumgartner laughing.

Emma just yelled across the room.

Yeah, Emma just yelled across the room.

Do not click on that.

Anyway, Mia, do you think we've caught up enough?

Can we caught up more?

Mia, I can't.

Emma's furious that I've spent so much time catching up when our house has been on fire this whole time.

Great to chat with you.

And sorry the scam didn't work out.

Then he writes, who scammed you, dear?

And I wrote, Not this again.

That was too late.

That was it.

I loved it.

It was good.

I don't care.

Okay.

Wow.

I mean,

you're, I mean,

it's perfect to read on a show like this, even though you're spending so much time doing it.

Spending so much time doing it and engaging with them.

But maybe you're wasting their time unless it's an automated thing.

That didn't seem automated.

That seemed like at some point it was like a real person.

Setting a gif, I feel like, is

next level to the AI.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And saying, okay, beta male.

I don't think a robot would do that.

Do you?

I don't know.

Do you remember that AI that advertised on Bang Bang

that was trying to be a thing, and then it just suddenly closed up shop?

And I felt like I had to grieve for her.

Yes.

It was like

Zia.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Do you remember Smarter Child?

Did anyone ever...

Ew, what?

It was like, if you spent a lot of time on AOL, this was

just a bot that you could chat with, and it was called Smarter Child, and it would just respond.

It was just an AI that that responded.

Show me your underpads.

Get to it within two minutes.

I love talking to those.

Is your parents home?

Let's play a special game.

Are we going to play this?

Or is that the episode?

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

We got a couple minutes.

Okay, we have some time.

Okay, so Lauren, why don't you pitch to us and Paul and I will text you separate words.

Okay.

About pitching what?

You basically just put our two words together.

So the example that Krista used is: if I text poop and Paul texts spoon, then you have to pitch a poop spoon.

Ew.

Yeah.

Anyway.

I don't want to do it.

So I'm going to text you a word and Paul is going to text you a word.

Did it.

And I slammed my phone down, which is not smart.

Got it.

And here's mine.

And then you're going to pitch us this product.

Did we do this this one before?

I don't believe so.

This is a new one.

Oh, my God.

This person has their own theme music.

Hello, sharks.

Oh, we're not.

We're not.

Sorry, there must be some dark dark.

There's some sort of confusion here.

No, this is not shark tank.

Oh, my God.

I've been standing outside those double doors for like an hour.

I know.

I told you if we got double doors, people were going to think of a shark tank.

I know.

He wanted the single door.

And he wanted triple doors, and this one's a couple of it.

Okay.

Well,

what are you here for, dear?

Well, I have

a.

What do you have, honey?

I have a product pitch.

If you're.

Oh, this is perfect.

Yes.

That's what you do?

Yes.

That is exactly.

We're not talking about it.

We listen to pitches.

We don't buy pitches.

We listen to them.

Okay.

Well, I guess I could just practice it on you.

Yeah.

Okay.

Sure.

No, that's part of our business.

Okay.

Well, I have the most important thing that everyone in the whole world is going to need very much to fast.

Okay.

And now.

This is a huge.

if everyone in the world, I mean, that's a huge market.

Yeah.

That's the whole market.

That's, I mean, can they use it over and over again so they have to keep buying it?

Um,

can they use it over and over again so they have to keep buying it?

Well,

does it wear out?

Is it like a it's a single-use product?

Single-use.

You could tell us what it is, champ.

Like a tampon is what I'm trying to say.

Um

that's what you're trying to say.

Trying to say, yeah.

Why did you just say that?

Is it a tampon that everyone in the world needs to use 12 times a year?

I feel like you're approaching this like a guessing game.

I'm just wondering.

Well, no, I'm saying that's the kind of product that I want to buy.

Why?

Because not only does every single person in the world need it, but they need it over and over and over again.

You can keep making money.

I don't know that everyone needs tampons.

Not every single person.

I'm not saying that everyone in the world needs tampons.

I'm saying that literally

half of the public sector.

I'm going to step outside and you guys can finish this.

The private sector.

I'm just stepping outside and you guys can finish this.

Goodbye.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Come in through the other door now.

Okay.

Yeah.

Dun dun.

Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun.

Hi.

We're Chartang.

Wow.

You are?

You came in through the right door.

That's right.

Okay, great.

You came in through the Chartane door this time.

And you're Robert Herzevack, and you are obviously Marvel Marvel.

Mr.

Wonderful.

I'm Simply Marvel.

Oh, that's not Mr.

Wonderful.

I'm saying he's Mr.

Wonderful.

My name is Simply Marvelous.

Oh, your name's Simply Marvelous?

Yes.

I'm Simply Irresistible.

I'm a simp.

I think Lee is marvelous.

Yeah.

He's the marvelous Miss Maisel as well.

Simp Lee Marvelous?

Yeah.

I simp Lee Marvelous.

Is Lee Marvelous out there?

Could you send her in?

Lee Marvelous is

the father of Lee Majors, right?

Yes, that's right.

Okay.

What are you going to say?

That's Carlos Heldo.

That's Christian.

It's like it gets worse each time.

Is somebody's stomach talking?

That was a gurgle in my throat.

I was going to find that out.

No, it sounded like I heard a conversation.

I know.

It's a gurgle in my throat.

Did you hear our conversation before you walked in here, though?

No.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank God.

We were talking about personal stuff.

We confessed to a lot of people.

I'm just going to set up my board here.

Oh, look at that.

Wow.

Look at that.

You're very prepared.

Is this about karate?

Are you going to kick that board and break it?

I'm not going to break it.

I need to keep this.

So if you do karate, please don't break this.

I'm only a yellow belt.

Did I try?

Is that a little shrek?

It is a little shrek.

So he's my little mascot here.

And I'll just use him to kind of

stay.

You're an all-star.

Oh, wow.

It sings.

Yeah.

It usually does it more.

It just sings the first part of all-star.

Okay.

It starts.

It usually does it again.

Shaking it again.

No, it's not singing.

I think it's broken.

Yeah.

Did I break it?

Maybe I'm a black belt.

I paid so much money for that.

How much?

Oh, no.

Why do you think you're a black belt?

Did you karate chop it?

Well, I've been a yellow belt, but yeah, I karate chopped it.

It stops.

Let's start again.

Hey, no, you're a black belt.

Okay, he did that.

Great.

Oh, it's saying, hey, no, you're a black belt.

Wow.

Thank you.

I thought I was.

Okay, so my idea is that everybody needs, so you you ever have any messes in your house that are just all sorts of crumbs in your bed, like crumbs of cookies and crumbs of, you know, anything else that you've eaten?

I mean, I have a problem.

I don't kick my wife out of bed for eating crackers.

Okay.

So, yeah, this is.

Cracker crumbs.

I sleep on a bed of crumbs.

Yeah.

Okay.

I go to the supermarket.

I go right to the crumbs.

The Progresso aisle.

Uh-huh.

And I just bags and bags of Progresso breadcrumbs.

Yeah.

Okay.

And I sleep on that.

And you know what?

It's very comfortable.

It's pretty comfortable.

I slept on it once when I was house house sitting.

You didn't tell me that.

You slept in the

bedroom?

Yeah, where'd you think I was going to sleep?

The couch.

When I'm house sitting?

For years?

Yes.

For a year?

The bed is personal.

For a whole year.

I'm supposed to be on the couch?

I have daydreams on that bed.

What do you do on the couch?

I stare straight ahead.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I apologize.

So this is a...

This is a chromiid.

A what?

It's a croomiid.

A croomiid?

Crumiid?

Yes.

Do you have an an accent all of a sudden?

No.

So you're saying chromiid?

Yes.

Okay.

You're saying chromiid.

Crumiid.

You were saying croomiid.

Yes.

And it's basically what it is.

It's this little brush.

It's really a small broom that this little shrek could hold if he had.

Oh, it's too small for a broom.

And

you'll have a little shrek.

That's like a large brush.

And the shrek will kind of come into your bed and kind of just.

Why are you just talking and not paying attention to anything that we're saying?

Shrek will go into your bed and he'll just sweep up all your crumbs into a little pyramid, and then it goes right between

the pillows of you and your spouse, or whomever is sharing your bed with you that evening, or nobody, if nobody.

What if I have a guma?

That's fine, too.

And then it's all right, uh-huh.

And then it like morally, no moral judgments.

And then in the morning, you know, you're able to document that for Instagram.

And wait, so the crumb brush that Shrek holds turns the crumbs into a pyramid of crumbs.

Yes.

And then you put them on Instagram.

Between the pillows?

He will place it between the pillows and you can Instagram.

Well, those aren't pillows.

You can Instagram.

You can Instagram it.

Oh, and you can Instagram it.

And then show your pyramid.

So it's kind of like a show off your pyramid of crumbs.

And this is something that hashtags.

Every hashtag show your pyramid.

And that way people can go, oh, I actually had way more than you wanted.

I've seen that hashtag.

Yeah.

That's what the hashtag is about.

Because that was trending.

That was trending.

Wow.

I know it was trending.

It was a really huge day for us.

It was huge.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So,

and Trek is a part of it.

Trek is attached.

Attached.

And he will show up at your house.

He'll sing the first part of his song if he's feeling like it.

Will he do more than Hey Now?

He usually does Hey Now, you're an all-star.

Okay.

Well, that's all.

And that's all you did.

And you don't get upset.

I try to get him to do more, and he really pushes me.

How much did you pay for this?

You said you paid a lot of money for this.

So I've invested in my company already quite a bit.

Just when you say that, you just have bought this Shrek thing.

Getting the Shrek.

Because you don't even seem to have the implement.

Yeah, you don't have the

crumb of a bid or whatever it was called.

It's not really a figure.

I mean, he will stand there and he will do this once you go to sleep.

So you haven't invented the pyramid.

You've just bought the Shrek thing?

It's not inventing a pyramid.

He makes the pyramids out of crumbs.

But you haven't invented the brush.

You just bought the Shrek.

He has the brush.

It's there.

It's more about how he buys.

That's just like a doll's

brush.

Pyramid.

So it's a sentient doll that gets sent to your house.

I will talk to him later about that.

He's not a doll.

Wait, he's alive?

Yes.

I just wish you would stop calling him a doll.

He's getting very offended.

I beg your pardon, Sharp.

Sibyl sing.

You're an ogre.

Hey.

I thought you said that he was going to sing, hey, now you're an ogre.

And he just says, hey, two different voices.

Do it, buddy.

He's doing like Tibetan throat singing.

Hey, dude, this is the time where we're going to sell this thing and actually get all our money back.

The million dollars I paid for you from the dollar store?

Yeah.

That.

I didn't know they sold million dollar things.

It just says dollar store.

It doesn't say one-dollar store.

Sing a little song.

Come on, guy.

Moon River.

What?

Shut up.

Moon River.

That's not the Shrek that I know and love.

Singing Moon River from Breakfast at Tiffany.

And I said, what about Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Okay, so I'm just going to pack up shop here and leave because it seems like you're not interested in Kroomi yet.

We don't buy anything.

We told you that from the beginning.

Please don't leave.

We're lonely.

We're so lonely.

You're just two lonely simps.

Yeah.

But don't simps give money.

We're two lonely beta cucks.

We got blocked by Marvelous.

All right, well, I'm

trying to find the real robber.

Please stay.

I'm gone.

Wait, Shrek stayed.

Trek?

Trek?

Hey, now you're an all-star.

Get your cape.

Oh, Shrek.

You say more.

You're an all-star.

Get your cape out.

Let's play and all that.

Oh,

clear throat.

Holy shooting stars.

Break the mall.

Oh my god, I forgot to track.

Oh, no, we

leave us.

Please leave us.

I'm here.

He's here.

He's sang up his whole song for us.

He, yeah, right.

Little scam artists.

Is it time for a scam now?

It's time for a scam.

Hey, now.

There's a scam now.

All right.

That was fun.

We did it.

The end.

And that's how you play.

Pitch Manto.

Pitch Manteau.

Oh, yes.

Pitch Mantea.

Submitted by Boop Spoon.

Thanks, Boop Spoon.

Thanks, Boop Spoon.

And please submit

Pitch Manteau and Pinch Manteau.

Oh, that's a new game.

That would be great, fun to play.

Pinch Mantis.

Where you have to pinch a praying mantis.

Oh, that's a good game.

But you get fined $50.

If you do.

But that's how you play the game.

That's right.

Beep up.

Doobie Speaker.

Okay, FreedomUSA, Twitter, and Instagram.

Threedomusa at gmail.com.

Ha ha la inpu is the phone number.

We love you.

If you want to listen to ad-free versions of this shit, why don't you go to StitcherPremium or CBBWorld.com before going to fuck yourself.

Wow, that would be great.

And if you go to fuck yourself, have fun.

Have fun doing it.

It doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Have a good time fucking yourself.

All right, we'll see you next time.

Bye.

Bye, Ma.

You fuck yourself.

Bye.

Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.

We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.

So, this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.

Uncared for season three from Lemonada Media, available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.