Threevisiting: It's MY Birthday Suit!
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The first two episodes premiere on Thursday, August 21st.
Oh my God.
Threedo!
Oh my God.
Freedom!
Oh my God!
Welcome to Freedom.
Oh my God, it's Freedom, which is so random.
Freedom Random as shit.
Freedom is giving me life.
Freedom is living life.
Are you still alive?
Yeah.
This is the only thing keeping you alive.
Really?
Okay, so we have to continue doing the show.
Were you die?
This is Threedom.
I'm Paul.
I'm Scott.
I'm Lauren.
And before the show, before we started recording, Lauren and I gave each other a foot high five.
And boy, was it wild.
Scott went absolutely crazy.
I said, that's not a high five.
He was apesh.
Because it's shin level, but then then I realized it's high for a foot.
High for a foot, but then you pointed out
except for Michael Flatley, the Lord of the Day.
That's right.
It's low for his feet.
Yeah, he'd be like, what are they doing all the way down there?
Here we are recreating our pre-show Bamboo.
Because it was so good.
We knew he was doing it on Mike.
It was so good.
All right.
Well, that's our episode and goodbye.
It was so good.
Guys, Wordle today.
This is a couple of weeks ago for the listeners.
No spoilers.
So no spoilers for you, but Wordle today,
somehow I spoiled it for Paul because Lauren and I both did it, and the word happened to be a freedom word.
Yes.
By the word of.
A word closely associated with the freedom podcast.
A word even more closely associated with the freedom podcast phone number.
And that's right.
The word today was input.
Ha ha la.
And I, and I, Invisible Inc.
texted, and everyone knows these are spoilers.
So if you, if you haven't played your Wordle yet, not to not to click on it.
Are you a binging Wordle?
You started from the beginning two days ago.
I hate you if you are.
I have to confess, you know, because I know what your start word is, and
I saw, oh, well, then those two letters are in the word.
Yeah, I know.
Well, you use the same star word.
I use the same star word, so now I want to be last all the time.
And the first shall be last.
What's your start word again?
Go fuck yourself.
Too much.
But in kind terms, it's adieu.
Adieu.
Adieu.
Adieu.
Adieu.
But yeah, anyway, so I should be last now because I'm giving everyone hints.
Or I'll do invisible link.
But here's the thing: because we will do invisible link on the thread because then it doesn't spoil it for people who haven't played yet.
But
you get the notifications.
And see, I don't have those turned on.
My notifications don't pop up on a text at the top.
I have them turned on because they turn me on.
Whoa, you get turned on by getting textbooks.
I get a roused massive
wow from notifications.
Oh, God.
It's small.
You're really.
I'm sorry.
Yes, it's teeny.
I get a teeny boner.
Oh, God.
You have a huge
flaccid people.
When I get aroused.
Exactly.
And then when I get aroused,
but it's so rocky.
It compresses.
That is
really cool.
You could cut glass with it.
Oh, fuck.
Anyway, I don't think you can.
And shouldn't do it, did.
And have.
Will have had done.
You often cut glass with your small boner?
What kind of glass are you trying to cut?
Stained for the church.
Come on, Laurie.
You know, I'm very devout.
Yeah, that's cool.
Please don't tell them.
They won't mind.
But you didn't want to buy one of those tools, right?
They won't mind.
They charge you an arm and a leg for those things.
And I have a rock card for tiny direction.
What the fuck?
But anyway, so the notification came in without the Inviso ink.
Which I think is fucked up.
It is.
I feel like Invisible Ink.
There is an agreement with iPhone that if you send something with invisible agreement.
Yeah, sure.
But it's in the terms of service that if you send something with invisible ink,
he shall receive it with invisible ink.
But you know, it's tough because typically invisible ink, I feel, is only used for bits and games.
You know, people aren't typically putting like top secret info in the invisible agreement.
You don't think that the CIA is using invisible ink when they send text?
If they're not, they're stupid.
They might be.
But my point is, you know, they wouldn't put fireworks at the top of your screen if a firework text came in.
So I guess it makes sense that they're not going to put the invisible ink.
What?
It might even have said.
When did fireworks?
When did firework texts come oh, I see meaning we sent with
like I was like oh I got somebody texting
you on loose who's texting no I'm I'm saying who's texting about fire about fireworks
you know how when you say happy birthday
confetti or a balloon confetti and balloons and all that I thought you meant when someone's like texting hey look at the fireworks and fireworks automatically come up so okay happy birthday gets balloons congratulations gets confetti
are there are other ones that are triggered automatically by fireworks they probably have them as like secret Easter eggs.
Like the In N-Out.
Like Happy Easter, the eggs show up.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
We got to start saying everything to everyone.
I wonder if you say Happy Fourth of July if fireworks go.
Let's try.
Okay.
All right.
Let's.
I'm going to text.
I can't wait for this text to come through.
Happy Fourth of July.
Oh, you know what?
I'm going to leave my lock screen on to see if it just says like happy fourth of July and then sent with fireworks or some shit.
Okay, here we go.
Ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
I've sent it.
Let me know when it gets there.
I got it, and it just says happy July 4.
It's unfine if I want to put it in my calendar.
Okay, I'm going to say happy Independence Day.
Yes.
Welcome to Earth.
I'm going to try spelling out happy 4th of July.
Okay, I've sent it.
Happy 4th of July.
Nothing.
Came on Happy Fourth of July.
No.
Man, what are you doing?
I forgot.
I'm going to try another one.
Let's see if we can try to happy Easter.
Okay.
Give me a happy Easter.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Okay.
Nothing.
Okay, this will probably work.
Okay, this is going to work.
Gump.
You sent it with fireworks.
The fireworks went off.
You sent it with fireworks.
Gump.
It's come.
He's gump.
Merry Christmas, nothing.
Nothing.
What the hell?
Maybe it has to be on the actual day.
What about I'm sorry?
Nope.
God.
I guess we'll stop texting each other.
This should be, yeah.
We've done all we can do.
Ha ha la info.
Anyway, yeah, so you saw the answer on your fourth guess.
So it's, in a way, I helped you out.
No, that's what I'm saying.
You cheated.
I inadvertently got a hint that I did not want to be.
Yeah, like, have you ever seen what the answer is, but you still want to try to like play?
Yeah, like I'm like, I've done that a couple times where I knew what the word was going to be, but I didn't want to just put it in and get what on the first time.
I'm like, well, I want to have my score be realistic.
Yeah, what would I have probably put?
Where would I have gone from there?
How would I have gotten that sounds like a waste of time to you?
But now, Janie, I think the whole thing's a waste of time to be on.
Yeah, Janie Tompkins.
Janie had that Tompkins.
Yes, Janie had that Tompkins.
Janie had that Tompkins.
So she, even though she hadn't played yet, she wanted to cheat.
So she, in uninvisible, inked it.
And then this is how I find out she does not listen to the show where she says, what does this mean?
Ha ha la.
You didn't find out by guessing.
And she said, she replied that she's a fan of Freedom in real life.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now,
does Mike listen to Freedom?
He listens if I play it to edit it back.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
If I play it back to edit it.
Because you're editing every episode.
You listen so tightly.
I will say I haven't done it for the last few and probably should have, but
just so you know, these episodes typically run about two hours, 30 minutes, and Lauren
makes sense.
Yeah.
And you leave in some stuff that's not funny just to make it keep it real.
Well, yeah, it's like we're not
constantly funny.
Yeah.
But you've cut out super funny stuff.
Well, because it didn't make sense.
Exactly.
Or it was too personal.
It was so hilarious, but way too personal.
We were talking about death
of loved ones.
It was so funny.
Weird stuff my dad did that I found out about.
But it was hilarious.
It was hilarious.
Good stuff.
Paul, did you have a nice weekend?
We already talked about it.
Lauren and I talked off-mic about our weekends, our respective weekends.
You didn't wait for me for weekend chat?
No, but we can do it now, loosely.
Hold on, loosely.
Hold on, loosely.
Hang on, loosely.
Hold on, loosely.
Hang on, Sloopy.
Hang on,
No, hold on.
Hold on, loosely.
Loosely, hold on.
Hang on, Sloopy.
Sloopy, come home.
Hold on, loosely.
Is it holding?
I'm now, I don't know.
I think it might be hold on.
Because I'm sure I have both of these.
Hold on, loosely.
Hold on, loosely.
Doop a double deep, doop, doop.
Loosely, loosely.
All right, here we're going to play Hold On Loosely.
Please hold on.
38 special.
All we needed was the answer to that question, but I guess we're gonna listen to the song.
Here we go.
Hold on loosely.
Yes.
And this is one of our favorite jams coming at you to get the summer kicked off right.
Let's do this.
Hope you haven't celebrated summer.
Celebrate now.
Today.
Everyone has summer, and this time is no different.
It's 4th of July.
We're set with fireworks.
We didn't listen to see what the words are.
It is hold on loosely.
What does that even mean?
well hold on but not too tightly oh i say oh okay it's a play on hold on tight yes whichever it's a play on that yes they're having fun with language yes
which i think is fun that is a lot of fun do you think in other languages they have fun i doubt it i think they might i don't know do you think there are italian puns impossible
why would they ever do wordplay why would they their languages are better let's face it english is a mess It is.
It's kind of, I mean, they don't call English a romance language.
First of all,
I don't think they could ever.
Yeah, but I mean, it's like there's bias in calling, you know, Italian and Spanish romance languages, don't you think?
Well, no.
What do you think that term means?
Bias?
Or romance languages.
Call?
It's what I would say if I was on Wheel of Fortune.
Bias.
Oh, my God.
You can only buy vowels, sir.
I have to go on.
Oh, no.
This further proved my point.
They should do opposite Wheel of Fortune.
There's no puns.
Opposite Wheel of Fortune.
Where you have to buy consonants.
Why does Wheel of Fortune come up with you?
You sell them consonants.
You sell them vowels.
I'd like to sell a vowel place.
What did you do this weekend?
What the fuck, man?
I want to know because I want to do this.
We have talked about Wheel of Fortune four times, and maybe this will give us some new information.
We've talked about Wheel of Fortune four times.
Play Wheel of My Weekend.
We recently talked about it at length.
Why?
Because we talked about there should be a new version called Hangman, and we also talked about how we've all spun the wheel or now.
You two have.
That was Price's right.
That was pretty youth.
But then that got us into the Wheel of Fortune conversation, dipshits.
Why don't we play Wheel of My Weekend?
And you guessed what I was saying.
Okay, I'm going to guess you watched the Squirrel Cam.
Did you camp?
No, I didn't.
I have to
recharge the camera.
Oh, you got to get on that.
Who knows what they're up to?
They could be robbing me blind.
So, what did you do?
I would say you watched
those.
No,
so specific.
I know.
I'm trying.
What if I got it right?
That would be amazing.
You're being so cagey.
You made pretzels from scratch.
Yes.
Scott?
And then you unmade pretzels from scratch.
Correct.
That's called easy.
Because matter can neither be created nor destroyed.
So I had to do that.
That was your experiment.
Yeah.
I was like, I made them and I unmade them.
Balls in your court.
And on the seventh day, you rested.
Oh, so tired.
What did I do?
I'm going to say.
I know
I saw you post a picture with some people.
Oh, you saw some people.
I did post a picture with some people.
I posted a picture with some people.
Yeah.
You went to a restaurant or something.
Let's see.
Are we beginning the weekend on Friday?
Friday.
I'll say
5 p.m.
I don't think I can remember
Friday.
Let me see.
Yeah, what did I do?
Laura and I did not cover Friday at all.
We didn't even bother.
Yeah, we were like, forget it.
You guys don't consider Friday part of the weekend.
interesting oh i know what i did i know what i did last summer i still know what i did last summer me too i'll always know i saw that was the third one today oh you know always know what you did last summer
once you know you can't unknow
unless you forgot that someone murdered people i'm proud to say that uh on friday afternoon we recorded um
the episode one of the new season of the neighborhood listen it's back so we've started doing that again.
I'm very glad about that.
Wow.
Saturday, dinner with friends.
Dinner with friends at a friend's home.
At a friend's home.
And what was this group?
This group was an eclectic mix of people.
Yeah.
Some people from Los Angeles, California, living here full-time.
Yeah.
Some people merely visiting from Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Wow.
Whoa.
This sounds incredible.
It was incredible.
And
a very sweet dog named Gordy.
Did your friend cook, or did you get food away?
We ordered Thai food from a place, and let me tell you, every single thing was delicious.
That's great.
Shout them out if you want to.
I wish I knew the name.
I didn't even bother memorizing the name because it was in a different neighborhood and I knew they wouldn't deliver to us.
And I was like, forget it.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm always, well, I love, I love the order-in dinner with friends, but I'm always very impressed by people who cook for friends.
I am too, but I feel like I, because I, because I'm not a cook and Janie is,
I feel,
I feel,
I feel bad if, if, like, I initiate a plan, like, hey, let's have those people over.
And then Janie, it's Janie's responsibility.
Yeah, and then I'm always suggesting like, we could just order food.
Yeah.
We've started, Kulop and I want to start a steakhouse in our house.
What does that mean?
You'd have like a room that's just like a Ruth's Chris.
Yeah, basically.
For like
eight people.
I pictured you guys sitting in cars, but you said steak house.
Yes.
And then I said in our house.
Yes.
You thought we were going to be sitting in cars in our house?
I thought you said you wanted us to do the steak out.
Oh.
And I thought, well, whatever they wanted to do.
I was like, I'm going to sit with me.
Yes, Richard Dreyfus, Rosie O'Donnell, Emilio Esteves.
Esteves.
See.
No, but
we started making steaks occasionally if people come over,
and the steaks are good.
And then we also have sides that Cool Op makes.
I make the steaks, steak, she makes the sides.
That's great.
This sounds like cops to me.
This sounds like a steak out.
Yeah, come on over.
I make the steaks, she makes the side.
Yeah, come on over.
Do whatever you normally do.
You're a good observer.
I've seen their binoculars.
Why my show?
If you guys sat in your car in the driveway and watched your guests in the backyard.
But you'd go to that, right?
Instead of a fancy restaurant, you'd go over to someone's house.
Oh, absolutely.
I would like to get good at cooking.
I'm kind of sick of saying, I don't know how to do this, because when I use a recipe, I can make something.
So I'm like, yeah, just look up a recipe.
And I've gone through phases where I'm like, oh, now I make this one thing from this book that I, you know, what I don't like is when a recipe uses a word that they go like, everyone knows what this is if you cook a lot.
Right.
You know, I like it to be really explained.
And I, I just got these books by this cook cookbook chef.
I guess she's a chef and she made cookbooks.
She's not a cookbook author, but I guess she is as well.
Would you care about?
This is driving me crazy.
Just continue.
Her Instagram is called What's Gobby Cooking?
And
her name is Gobby.
I thought it was Gabby, but it's Gobby.
This is not Gobby from
Mary Potter.
And
she makes really fun things.
We got a couple cookbooks and we made margarita, cucumber margaritas from the cookbook, and it was a really fun colour.
Oh, you cooked a cookbook.
Well, it has party on it.
It has some drinks.
So it's like like you were cooking for like a whole night.
You ate this, this, this, and this.
And you started to start with the
drinks.
We started with margaritas.
You're like, let's make that.
And we had a lot of fun.
We never make anything like that.
I'm saying I don't cook anything.
I don't make anything from scratch.
It was a delight.
Except that baby.
Well, yeah.
You made that from scratch.
Yeah.
Scratch.
Yeah.
What if her recipe was roast dobby?
Would you eat it?
If I explained it very clearly.
And if I knew how to get the dobby, because I think the hardest.
You just lure them with socks, right?
Yeah, I think that is what I do.
But I
love socks.
The hardest thing for me about cooking, and I love it if you guys have any suggestions on this.
And I'm talking more to you two than for the listener.
Because you can't hear them.
Yeah, I can't hear what they're going to say.
That makes sense.
And you won't.
When I look at a recipe.
Yeah.
And the thing that overwhelms me is the idea that if I'm going to do this a lot, I got to get all this shit every fucking time.
Yeah.
Well, you got to stock your chips.
Sure, like the herbs and whatnot.
Yeah, you kind of have those for all, but I'm not sure.
The herbs and spices.
They have at least seven of them.
The herbs.
But like, if it's like it requires,
well, I have all that stuff, but I'm saying for the spices.
What are you talking about?
Like, if it's like a thing that has like 15 things that go in it, and you're like, oh my God, I got to go to the store.
I got to find all these little things.
Deadly nightshade.
Well,
this is why if you were
my mother would shop once a week and plan out the meals for all seven
and the lunches.
I got to be like that.
I got to be like that.
And then you you consolidate.
Make a Darth Vader cake.
You also do leftovers for some of it.
Make a Darth Vader cake
out of a bell.
Yeah.
But, you know, like you just kind of plan out the week of like, oh, okay, these are the things I'm going to make.
I would have to write it down.
Uh-oh.
I'm out.
Well, because I lose.
I forget my plans over and over again.
Like, I feel like I have to have the same idea five times if I don't write it down.
Yeah.
That's what Malcolm Gladwell said: that a genius has the same idea five times.
Unless they write it down.
No, that's the secret to success.
Oh, just have the same idea five times.
But then write it down.
Never write it down.
Never write it down, but have it five times.
Keep having it one time, two times, three times, four times, five times.
Yeah.
You've done it.
Yeah.
Well, because I think what happens to me is I'm like, I'd love to cook, and then it's five o'clock and I'm starving, and I'm just like, I'll just make whatever the fuck I have.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, man, back to the weekend.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Last night,
early evening.
What happened?
A friend's birthday drinks.
Yeah.
Whoa.
You did a second thing?
Yeah.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
I had this burger that was so fucking good.
Where was it?
This place called Verdugo.
Oh, yeah.
I don't think I've a sandwich from the Hamburg region.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, an imported sandwich.
Wow.
From Germany.
It was delicious.
It was so, it was a messy, sloppy burger.
But so, so good.
Yeah.
So, so good.
So, so good.
I had In N Out yesterday.
My mouth watering thinking about it.
Oh, wow.
I have to confess.
I had In and Out on Thursday.
Yeah.
I had a 3x3 protein style.
Wow.
Hey, let me tell you about Friday, what we did.
What the fuck is 3x3?
That's three patties, 3 cheese.
Oh, it says.
Double, double, yeah.
Three?
And there's a 4x4.
That's a lot.
Four is too much.
Not one.
I'm not mad that you ate it, but I'm saying it seems like your mouth can't open that wide.
Try me.
You know you can unhinge his jaw.
He eats piglets.
Is it like a really thick thing?
I mean.
Or no, it's not.
for if you don't.
It's like if you don't want to do two double doubles and have all that bread.
I see.
You may have to do a process of that anyway.
Two double doubles and you have to do that.
All that bread.
So Friday,
reality recap, yeah.
Friday, Friday.
Got a reality recap on Friday, yeah.
So our friend Sang, who's a chef.
So the chef also says.
I know that I did have to follow your sentence.
Yeah, I did.
My friend's name is Sang.
Thank you.
And he is a chef.
Thank you.
And he
appeared.
He's the magician, too?
Yes.
And then he
apparated.
No, he was on a television show hosted by Natasha Legero called Rats.
Rats in the kitchen.
And he was on an episode earlier in the season where he, and it's spoilers for this show if you're catching up to it, but the show is basically uh, there are six, I believe, chefs all trying to create a bunch of dishes, six, and one is a rat trying to spoil all the dishes.
Or do they go around and put something in the meal?
They can do it however they want to do it.
It's a rat as long as
the exterminator comes in.
Yeah, that's so sick.
No, but they put something in, then you're like, yeah, because this tastes bad now, yes.
So, basically,
basically, there's fifty thousand dollars.
Uh-huh.
There's fifty thousand dollars, and and then the Chef Ludo is judging it.
And is it a new
six every episode?
New six every episode.
And then Chef Ludo tastes it and it.
I'm laughing thinking about somebody saying that every single time.
This tastes like shades bad now.
It's not even planned.
It's just what everybody starts saying now.
Yeah, it does taste bad now.
So they assign an amount of money to each dish, like $5,000.
Or $2.
And then he tastes it.
He's like all day.
He gives it a pass or he gives it a thumbs down and if he if it gets a thumbs down
system the rat has the rat gets that money right and it's a real rat it's an actual rat yeah it's ratatouille oh okay cat and oswalt is voicing a real rat yeah uh-huh but anyway so he was he was on the show earlier in the season and he was the rat and he won
and he won like i think it was 25 000 like he got half of the money and then no one guessed it was him so these are professional chevs no i mean some of them are professional some of them are amateurs, you can tell.
So, anyway, he won earlier in the season, and so then this was the season finale, and they had a bunch of the rats back and made one of them the rat.
It was the rat pack back.
Uh-huh.
And so he came over and he made rats.
Some of you.
Not a rats?
No, he made us all rats.
What?
Yeah, he turned us all into rats.
I was a magician.
Yes.
He got to pay attention all the way through.
The witches.
And now I am a rat, as you see.
Look at me, guys.
You haven't looked at me this episode.
Oh, my God.
You are a rat.
Like when your Metallica shirt changed fonts.
Fonts.
It was what it said.
Words.
The words, fonts.
He's words.
He's words.
You get it.
Anyway, so he made some of his Lao food.
He's specializes in Lao food.
Yeah.
For us all with a bunch of friends, and we watched his episode.
Oh, how fun.
And
convinced he was going to be the rat again.
And I won't spoil it.
And he wouldn't say a a word.
He would not.
He was signed an NDA and would not tell us anything.
And did he put gross stuff in all the food you were going to eat so that he'd be like, and see?
See how I did that?
That would have been amazing.
No, it is interesting what they would do.
Like, his thing was he would just casually go by everyone's ovens and turn it up as high as they would go as he was passing by.
That's a good one.
And then what it would blaze up?
And it would just blaze up and overcook everything.
Oh, my God.
And then some fun.
That's a fun show.
Some of the rats would just walk by with seasoning in their hands and just like
to
over salt everything.
Crop dust it.
Yeah, crop dust it.
But you can't do it to everybody, right?
Because then obviously, if you're the only one who has a good dish, and it's like, I think he's the rat.
Well, weirdly enough, or
sang
didn't do it to his own dish, did it to everyone else's dish.
Sorry, because
that threw everyone off his scent because they were like, oh, he's doing good, so he's not the rat.
He's like, he's making good dishes.
I don't see how that makes any sense at all.
Yeah.
Because the rat, if they're working on their own dishes and spoiling it, that's what everyone was thinking: of like,
oh, the rat
sabotage their own dish, but nobody else's.
Yeah.
It doesn't make any sense to me.
No, no, it doesn't make any sense to me either.
I just feel like you'd have to leave one other person.
Well, yeah.
You have to let one other person's meal be fine.
Or just do a little salt in one of them.
It doesn't really change it.
Well, they do.
Actually, they do rotate on most of the dishes where everyone gets a chance at working on each dish.
Oh, so it could be many people because.
Yes, exactly.
I have not had enough sleep to grasp how the show works.
You don't need to go to the bed.
Go back to bed.
Jordan and I will do the show.
Just watch it.
I know that you're going to be able to do it.
Watch all of it.
Just watch all of it today.
Watch all of it today.
Come back and just let us know if you get it now.
You know what's back is an old fave of ours, Borgen, the Danish TV series.
I thought they were saying ours as well, and I was like, I don't know.
I was like, I don't know what this Borgen is.
What is?
Me and my lovely wife.
Oh, you have a favorite together?
Yeah.
It's a Danish TV show about the Danish government.
It's a drama, and it's very good.
I'm like, bored again.
There you go.
I were to watch it.
I found it.
Scott.
What, Paul?
I can't believe you're sabotaging my enjoyment of this show.
I'm the rat in the freedom.
I don't like it anymore.
Rat in the freedom.
Yeah, I've been sabotaging this whole show ever since the beginning.
And I call it.
Rat in the freedom.
How's Brushy doing?
I think great.
Oh, good.
I hope he's thriving.
I hope so.
All I know is that he made his money on the GoFundMe Kickstarter.
For his new album,
he's just killing it.
GoFundMe is a tough name because it's like it starts with GoFuck.
Go fund yourself.
Yeah, you know.
Go fuck.
It could be anything.
Yeah.
And then suddenly it's like...
Could be anything.
It's me.
Yeah.
Well,
what are the other things it could be?
Go farther.
Go farther.
Go further.
Go further than you've ever gone before.
Go finally.
Go fun.
Go fun time.
Go for.
Go fun time.
Fur.
Gopher.
Gopher.
On the love boat.
Gopher on the love boat.
Gopher on the love boat.
Deep, deeper.
And
Scott, about your weekend, you went to see Weird Al perform.
I saw the weirdest person named Al that I know.
Yeah.
Perform.
So weird, it's part of his name.
Yeah.
He's not a regular Al.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No.
Where was the show?
This is at the Will Turn, which is a
beautiful theater.
A beautiful theater, Art Deco Theater,
and
performed there once with the Mr.
Show thing.
Were you there?
That's right.
Did you do that as well?
The Mr.
Show Kids in the Hall crossover there?
Yeah, yeah.
I sang a song or something at the end of the show.
Clash of the Titans, I believe.
Yes, Clash of the Titans.
Yes.
Laughter Cures Cancer, which is the name of the song.
And it did.
And it did.
Thank God, everybody.
Just in time.
You're welcome.
But, yeah, so I went with Andy Daly and his daughter
and Kulop.
Oh, Kulop was there.
Yes, Kulop was Kulop and I.
And
it was a great show.
Al, this was his show where he's doing all like deep cuts, no parodies, pretty much.
Parodies?
Wait, wait, wait.
I don't know about this.
Yes, so he does a lot of his own
originals.
Yeah, seated.
Everyone's sitting down and he's doing his own originals he's not doing concerts
love a seated concert meaning the performers on stage oh the audience
the audience loved that the audience the audience stands the audience also sat no they take turns anytime al would stand we would sit and vice versa that's fun i you know what my favorite concert is a crisscross applesauce where everyone is sitting on the ground yeah wow
wow hey what was the game and did you play this yeah where one person
yes thank you isn't that really what you're about to say no no where one person one person had to hide, and then if you found that person's sardines.
Oh, I don't know this.
If you found the person's
hide with them.
Oh, and then everyone just joins.
It's basically reverse hide and seek because one person hides, everyone else.
It's hide and hide.
And then you hide.
Hide and hide and hide and hide and seek.
Yeah.
It's a very cute and cozy game.
It is cute.
I mean, everyone's just in the shower, you know, at the end.
Yeah.
Everyone picks the shower.
Outside.
Yeah.
We played outside.
Nude sardines.
Everyone gets
Oh my God.
One time.
Nude co-ed sardines.
Dude, this was insane.
One time in fifth grade, I was with two friends, and this one was a new girl who'd moved to town, and we were in her yard.
We were tripping her.
No, we were in her yard, and we were playing Blind Man's Blue.
Marry the New Girl Bluff or something.
But I don't even know if that's.
What was Blind Man's Bluff?
I don't even know if we were playing it right now.
Blind Man's Bluff is where somebody has to close their eyes and they're like Markov.
Yeah, exactly.
Yes, exactly.
That is what we were playing.
And she, we were playing that, and then she ran headfirst into a big tree.
Oh!
And her nose was
broken, bloody crazy, insane.
And then we went home.
And didn't tell anyone?
No, I mean, like her family was like, we, we have to take care of this thigh, you know.
A bi.
And then you never found out what happened after that?
Well, I did.
I mean, we...
We saw her at school.
Okay.
But she was like, it wasn't like that's the last you saw of her.
No, but I mean, it was so, it was horrifying.
I remember it very.
If you were like, and then we never saw her again.
It was interesting.
It was just so.
She just never came back to school.
I wonder whatever happened to her.
Isn't that awful?
Somebody told me a
you had a girlfriend.
She had a boyfriend.
She told me
last February.
She said
that they, oh, God, who was it?
Somebody that I know.
Oh, I think it's my friend Julie, that they threw up
in school and then moved after that.
Oh, and then everyone assumed it was because
they were embarrassed and I do know my friend told me that when he was in high school.
Now this is rock solid.
You know,
I know he told me this.
That
there was a girl who was wearing an all-white outfit.
Oh, yeah.
And
she was like the popular girl in school.
And she was wearing all white.
And then she was making out with a guy in a pickup truck and they were drunk.
And then she
started getting sick, and she leaned out the
door and puked.
And as she puked, she diarrhea all over the horses with the white outfit, and then she had to move away.
Yeah,
absolutely.
I think you would have to move away.
I hope she changed her identity.
Did they have to do it?
And it was Lauren Lapkus.
Hey, oh, God.
No, hey, oh, God.
Hey,
Tiffany Brown.
Hence the name change.
I am wondering if you were ever pants in school because we had a big pants in the middle.
No,
they didn't
invent that.
They hadn't invented that yet.
Okay, gym class pants.
Everyone's in the elastic shorts.
Kevin's nodding.
Really horrific stuff.
Because
Kevin, you pants people.
Does it hurt a woman to pants a woman?
Does it hurt a woman to pants a woman?
It's pretty embarrassing.
Why can't a woman
be pants?
Yeah, one time this girl was pants and her
labia fell off.
Fellow.
Pad.
Pad.
Oh,
no.
This is why you don't do it.
This is for the kids.
This is for the kids.
Don't pants a woman.
Don't pants a man.
There could be a pad up there.
Don't pull anyone's pants down.
It's not yours to do.
I thought pantsing was pulling them up.
No, you're pulling up.
No, it'd be like you'd be playing basketball in the gym and someone just run up and like
sexual assaults to do.
Yeah, it's not good.
It's fucked up.
Yeah.
And you're saying it was happening so much, it was like an epidemic.
It was.
And I remember just like, you have to hold on to your pants the whole time.
You're playing.
it does doing it as an adult though would make me laugh
it's funny to imagine a bunch of people running around a basketball court like gripping their own pants
unable to like
pass the ball they're like knocking it with their chest when it comes to that
we should do that to each other no we shouldn't
Leave everyone's pants alone.
We shouldn't.
Leave Britney alone, too.
Leave Britney alone.
And then they eventually did.
Yeah, it's working out great.
Yeah, I think so.
Squeaky Wheel gets the grease.
I'm glad she's doing better.
I am too.
Is she?
Okay.
Well, she got married and she got to have a special day.
Sure.
Free Britney Day.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, what do you know?
What do you know?
What do you know that we don't?
Someone sent me something with invisible ink.
I look forward to reading the memoir she's working on.
Okay.
Yeah.
Great.
Do you think it will cover when she was skinny as a needle?
Why are we talking about this again?
Now it's
the third time, and now I've retained it.
It's all good.
That's why we're doing this.
That's why we do this, Scott.
Think of it five times and then you'll get it.
Skinny as a needle.
Have I given the reality recap recommendation of Love on the Spectrum?
Love on the Spectrum.
U.S.
They had an Australia season, was fantastic.
The U.S.
version, also fantastic.
Really good show.
People love it.
People love it.
Yes, I love it.
I've yet to watch it.
It's really great.
It's just this really sweet show, and the parents are really supportive and wonderful people.
That's what I understand: it's actually very, it's very sweet.
There is nothing
exploitative.
Yeah.
No.
I guess I just don't care.
That's fine.
You don't even like dating shows to begin with.
I know.
If they made a reality show about yourself, would you watch it?
Oh my God, every episode.
Are you kidding me?
There I am again.
What am I doing this time?
Lunch.
You know,
Janie and I famously watch one reality show.
It's called Church on Sunday.
It's Southern Charm, which is an absolutely terrible show.
It's boring as shit.
See, that's the thing.
It's like you've just signed up for the wrong one.
You don't care.
But here's the thing.
Now you're invested in the dumb shit.
I like Swedish chef.
You like the Swedish chef.
Swedish dumb shit.
Now that's a reality show.
I like a guy, though, who is only into the Swedish chef.
He was like, look.
Oh, look, I have my thing.
I'm fine.
I don't need anything else.
I watched the Swedish chef.
Even a person who, like, I wish he would do more.
Swedish chef memorabilia up in their house.
Yeah.
It makes me laugh.
Wait, what is the show that you have?
He's my guy.
And what's it about?
It's about the Danish government.
It's a drama set in the background.
I was wondering if it's like, what would you compare it to?
Like, is it like Broadchurch or is it like West Wing?
Broadchurch or Narrowchurch?
It's like West Wing, but it's not Ernest.
You know what I mean?
It's like.
It's more actual drama.
It's like Ernest goes to West Wing.
Exactly.
They say, hey, Vern, a lot.
Crazy in there.
He would be.
Did he ever do Ernest as the president?
No, that was a really missed opportunity.
That's a miss our White House.
Who knows what he would have done if he hadn't passed away?
I know.
He would have turned all the water in the soda fountains to what?
Oh, my God.
Turned all the water in the soda fountains.
Drinking Drinking turned all the water in the soda fountains into drinking.
Okay, look, we have to take a break.
When we come back,
I have an update on something I've made.
Scott will have had a CAT scan.
I may have talked about on this show or a different show.
We'll be right back.
What a tease.
It's back to school season.
School season, little boys and girls.
But you know what's not on the syllabus this year?
Tell me.
Getting schooled by your old wireless bill.
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Cooler temps are rolling in.
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I'm Hussin Minhaj, and I have been lying to you.
I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast.
Hussin Minhaj doesn't know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.
People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.
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Outrageous.
Parenting expert Dr.
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How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?
It's a good question.
Listen to Hussin Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.
And we're back.
Hi.
And guys, did I tell you about the
DVD of date night that my parents displayed in their kitchen for years?
You told me about the Walrus and Mee Man.
You said that you're as close as can be, man.
Right.
Uh-huh.
I caught you up on that.
Yeah.
Okay.
Did you draw another clue for us all?
No, mainly I was just talking about the date night DVD.
Was I talking about this?
It must have been another show.
Anyway, I'm going to update you on it.
Sure, recycle this story.
Okay, so recycle it.
I've never told it before because it happened last night.
You said it happened on another show.
Well, the first part.
Okay.
So the first part.
The first part is.
The rest of your life leading up to that moment.
Then you've already talked about it on here.
The first part is that when I would go visit my parents at their previous house, they had
all these cabinets in the kitchen.
And a lot of people.
That's like everybody's house.
Make sure that.
And a lot of them were open and used to display things.
Okay.
So.
Like they had no doors.
Yes, they had no doors, just like the Haunted Mansion.
They were shelves.
shelves.
Uh-huh.
Yes.
Okay.
So
And
are you an alien that has replaced our friend Scott?
What do you mean?
They were cabinets that were open to display things.
That's shelves.
But were they actually cabinets when they took the doors off?
Yes.
Is that what happened?
Yes.
That's not.
Are they aliens?
What happened next?
Well, for years, I would go visit them, and there would be
a DVD of the movie Date Night starring Tina Faye and Steve Carell unopened, wrapped on a stand.
Uh-huh.
Like they're like, this is a really important film that we will not watch.
Or like, this one's going up.
We're going to watch this one tonight.
And they never do.
Oh, so you're admiring our copy of Date Night.
Yeah.
Or it's just a beautiful
portrait of their friends, Tina Faye and Steve Carell.
And once or twice, I believe for a picture of them, this is all we could find.
Once or twice, I think I said, have you seen this movie?
And they're like, yeah, we saw it in the theaters.
And that's as far as I would go.
So they just like it.
That's as far as you would go because I'd be asking a lot more questions.
Yeah, well, I didn't want to intrude.
Sure.
Well, so, and I believe I talked about this probably on another show Scott hasn't seen where we took date night may have come up.
And I was like, I have no idea why they used it.
And it doesn't seem to be an important movie to them.
The weirdest thing about this story is that date night would have come up.
in conversation.
Yeah, like I don't know anything about TFA or Steve Corello have talked about that since.
I think you would surprise them if you showed them the DVD.
Am I that?
So
for the past 10 years, I don't know when date night came out, but I've wondered about this, right?
So
last night.
I'm losing sleep.
Yeah.
I'm just like, cool hop.
It's 4 a.m.
Kulab looks over.
You're awake.
Are you thinking about date night again?
Yeah.
It's just so funny how people approach their parents differently.
Cause I always be like, why are you displaying this?
This is so weird.
I may have said that and they go, I don't know.
But
so last night I see them.
They might have said last night.
I see them, and okay, and they have a and my mom has a box for me, and she goes, Do you want a bottle of wine?
And does she say it like that?
Yeah, why?
Because anytime you see her, she's getting rid of her things and being like, Do you want this?
Do you want this?
And I say no to half of it, but she's so beleaguered about it.
Yes, yes, okay.
Well, life is
beleaguering,
man.
That's true.
So, so she's like, Do you want a bottle of wine?
And I say, Yeah, sure, why?
And she says, I don't know.
My sister and her husband gave us this
because
they said, have you seen the movie Date Night?
And we said, yeah, in the theaters.
And they said, well, we got you this wine based on the movie Date Night.
What?
And we've never understood it.
And then I realized that this box of the bottle of wine was next to the DVD of Date Night.
So they gave them the gift with the DVD.
Maybe with the DVD or my parents bought the DVD to be like nice to them of like, look, we displayed your bottle next to the DVD of Date Night.
I've seen them like old person thing.
Yeah.
And they never understood what this bottle of wine has to do with date night.
I've never seen date night, so I don't know what wine has to do with date night.
Wait, are you gonna see it?
Now I feel like I have to see date night to understand.
I've seen my parents and my aunt.
Yes, I don't know.
But they don't even remember.
No, you have to see it now because I need to know.
I need to know now.
And I don't want anyone to send me messages of, oh, it refers to whatever in date night.
If you do, send them in invisible ink.
Here's what you need to do.
You need to have a date night with Kulop where you drink that wine and watch date night and you finally figure out what the fuck is going on.
Yeah, so I don't know, but it.
I'm going to say you can't open the wine until you figure out what it has to do with it.
Fine, that's the celebration.
And then we celebrate we pop it once we get away from it.
I'm wondering when the wine
is because if the movie's pretty old and they have a DVD.
And it might be really valuable wine.
You should should probably sell it.
It could be worth a lot from the movie.
What if you try to sell it like date night wine?
This has to do with the movie Date Night.
Yeah, I really don't know.
There's one other clue.
There's one other clue.
She mentioned the word genealogy, which I don't know what it has.
And she didn't even know.
She's like, it has something to do with genealogy or something.
I don't know.
What?
I bet you.
Design?
I bet the writers of Date Night are listening to this going,
we did what?
Who cares?
But yeah, see, this is, you never know when you create something like Date night, you never know who it's going to touch and the tendrils that are going to, you know, that's so beautiful.
If you create a movie, old people might get weird around it.
So be careful.
So the date night mystery continues, but is close to being solved.
At least now I know or I have an idea of why they were displaying date night because I think they wanted to be kind of
kind to her sister if her sister ever visited.
Did she ever?
Doubtful.
Does she live in another state or something?
Yes.
Well, they did at the time.
I could really see Mike's mom doing something like that to be nice to the person.
Like, it's like out, and then they come, or she puts it out when they're going to come over or something.
That's what I mean.
A lot of what my mom wants.
So they get the wine and they're like, we should probably display this and to really make it nice.
It's a really nice DVD.
Yeah.
And put that on a stand.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I actually, I actually feel like I really get this.
I know it makes me
knowing my mom.
Yeah.
There's a sort of total sense.
How do I put this?
It's like a sort of, it's like a very, it's a very thoughtful gesture.
It's very
thoughtful.
When someone gives you something, she feels, or when someone gives her something, she feels a responsibility to enjoy it to the extent that she's making a little shrine.
Making shrines, but also she has kept stuff for now 50, 60 years that she is now offloading to me
of like, oh,
your great-grandmother gave me this when I was just got married when I was 18.
And I've got a lot of money.
never used it.
I've never seen the Bob Newhart show.
I've never used it.
Do you want it?
I think you just have to say yes to it.
Most of the time now I say donate.
Nowadays, I say, I throw totally do, and then I throw it away the minute I get what if you just in the kitchen trash.
You're like, yeah, absolutely.
And then you just immediately put a see how he's going to do it.
Well, one thing I did.
I'm going to keep this here.
One thing I did throw in the trash last night.
Funny you should say that is we all, we all played a game
and it was some, it was, I forget what it was called, but it was, it was where you
ask a question, and everyone writes down their answers, and that's how you get to know each other.
Oh, yeah, anyway, so so we all play it, and it's fun or whatever.
And then, and by the way, she's had me get it from the closet where it's underneath, and she's like, Last time I tried to get something from the closet, everything fell on my head.
So, will you get it?
And I'm like, Okay,
so it's underneath a ton of stuff, right?
And so, we play the game,
uh,
we have fun, and I go, that's a fun game.
Did you just get it?
She's like, no,
her family friends got it for her like 25 years ago, and that's the last time they played it or something.
She's like, it was so fun, and I always wanted to play it again.
And by the way, we didn't want to burn it out.
So we waited for 25 years.
By the way, there are score pads.
She has done what she does with all games.
She doesn't want to run out of the score pads.
So she has Xeroxed off all of the score pads and made extra ones for her.
Oh, my God.
And they're all just sitting there new in this that never occurred to me to do oh yeah wow so so I'm like
never use them up it's like yeah how often are you gonna play this game well this is what this is my thing I don't think this is a recurring game that we're gonna play ever again we have our games as a family that we play a lot and I didn't think this was gonna be one of them so I'm like okay well I'll put it back so I you know do the whole you know taking every all the games out everything down putting some of the stuff fell on your head no nothing fell on my head but and I put it back underneath the thing.
Could you tell it that some stuff fell on your head?
All right, so did you feel like you had everything back where it was?
Yes.
Okay.
Because I knew it wasn't going to be in the current rotation and I didn't want it to be sitting up there.
And it's like a fucking Jenga in there.
Yes, it is.
You have to slide it back in.
So I put it exactly where it was, and it was a big ordeal, but I finally got it done.
And then
I go back to where everyone played, and there is one card from the game
there.
Like an essential amount of paper.
Just one of the cards with questions on it.
And by the the way there are 5,000 yeah 300 cards in this thing and we used so not 5,000 sure we used 30
I mean that was a crazy guess 5,000 yeah you're right but there are say there are 300 cards
yeah we use 30 of them and they have four questions and we only use one question per thing you could throw it out well this is what I did ostensibly I see this and I go oh
And then my mom goes, oh, no, you got to put it back in the thing.
I go, mom, I'm just going to throw it away.
Realizing no one in this family is ever going to play this game again.
Right.
Yeah.
And so if this is the timeline they're on,
this is the last time they've done it.
So I go, I'm just going to throw it away.
And she's like, no,
okay.
And then
one of the questions when we were playing the game was written poorly that no one understood.
And I said, oh, it's that question anyway.
It doesn't matter.
Lie.
Yeah.
But to make her feel better, I find out later she has dug through the trash to get the card out
and was going to put it back herself, but then it had a lot of like food on it.
And so she
ended up throwing it away and feeling okay about it.
Oh my god.
She just had food on it.
Yes.
Well, there you go.
You just got to put food on more stuff and then she can get rid of it.
That is heavy.
It's heavy, man.
I mean,
I love the task of getting rid of stuff.
Like, I feel like she needs someone.
She needs like an organizer to go over there and be like let's let's warn these games down to the six you love like the celebrity organizers yeah or just you know things on hangers that has already happened that that no no no i'm talking somebody who's gonna dig through
i i did i've served that purpose myself uh-huh when we moved her back uh into california and uh so she's she's in process of doing that and feels better about it and there are all these like things that like old records that we had when i was a kid that she hadn't
she'd carried around from house to house and hadn't listened to.
And I was like, Mom, I'm just going to throw these away.
And she's like, But I loved them when you were kids.
And I go, so did I, but you haven't even looked at them.
Well, you're talking about this.
It's like, like nursery rhyme shit.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean,
yeah.
Yeah.
It's tough because I feel like I feel very nostalgic for things and I like to keep a lot of stuff.
I keep like every, mostly my stuff is more like sentimental.
Like I'll, that is
sentimental, but I'll keep like cards and not, but I've started to be better about that, but I have a lot of them from when I was growing up.
And I have like all the letters my friends and I ever wrote to each other and like all stuff like that.
And then I have all my, now I have all the best of my toys, which I might have mentioned that I like spent them all back from my mom's house, which is a huge undertaking.
Yeah.
It's a lot.
It was a lot of stuff.
And I was like, she has saved it for so long.
It's all stuff that I love and it's all in great condition.
And I'm excited to like, you know, have it for my family.
But it's just, it's interesting because it's also that thing of like, well, will Holly want to play with this old thing or will she be more excited about it?
But we'll see.
But I mean, I, it's, it's a lot.
I mean, like, with the records, I could imagine myself taking those, but I also like, would I ever
imagine myself taking those and looking, glancing at them every once in a while.
But I'll tell you, once we just, once I said, we're just going to donate these, and then they went away, neither of us have thought about them until I am talking about them right now.
No, and that's what I mean.
And it was like such a weight off of everyone's.
Yeah.
I love to donate something that's just been a weight.
Yeah.
And you're like, get this out of here now.
I'm at a crossroads right now because I'm trying, I'm always trying to get rid of stuff.
And I have a bunch of baseball caps that
I
dug out of the closet because they're just taking up so much space.
And I'm like, all of, I like all of these.
Right.
Even though I haven't worn some of them.
Yeah, but I think that's okay.
It's really hard, but it's just, it's just taking up space.
And it's like, but then you have to go
this month.
I'm wearing them.
And then monkeys will steal them.
Scott.
You got to go this month.
I'm wearing every single one.
Grow up.
I'm sorry.
You got to put them all on rotation.
Yeah.
Well, right.
Here's what's happening right now: is since it's baseball season,
I have many
Phillies caps.
So I wear those daily.
Daily.
Then, yeah.
Yeah, around the house and shit.
Sure.
Outside of the house.
If I have to go out there, yes.
Sure.
Yeah.
But
I keep them all in the house.
I don't know if you understand what I'm saying.
They're inside your house unless you go outside.
Yes.
If they go outside, it's because I'm wearing one.
Yeah.
You're not.
Let me start at the beginning.
You're not putting them outside and then forcing them to go outside.
I don't have them in your house.
I don't have hats outside and hats inside.
Right.
You guys?
Is that what you thought?
Well, sometimes
if you're wearing a house, if you're wearing a house.
A house hat.
Okay, well, that's it.
Let's start over.
Yeah, so I have my house hats.
Sure.
But then when the Phillies,
should they, by some weird chance,
get knocked out of the running for the postseason,
then I switch over to my Dodgers hats.
Right.
But what are the considerable amount of them that you're talking about that you are fond of?
Are they other teams or just Phillies or something?
They're not sports related.
Oh, I see.
Some of them are souvenir things.
Some of them are just cool things I've picked up along the way.
Well, okay.
So there's two closets.
Yeah.
One can only tell the truth.
One is a little shallow closet where we keep like our raincoats, should we ever need them?
In the shallow shallallow.
Yeah, in the shallow
closet.
And then there's a shelf overhead where I keep the baseball caps, right?
Yeah.
Right.
But now it's too many baseball caps.
Yeah.
And so
I put all the Phillies ones up there.
Then I got all these other ones just like
in the closet on top of the shoe rack and stuff like that.
That's tough.
It's sloppy and messy and it makes me feel bad.
What if you,
I don't know if this is a thing, but I imagine it is, like a sort of
over-the-door, inside the closet, there'd be an over-the-door hanging thing that's like two basically ribbons.
And then you have like the hats hanging off of little pegs.
I have seen things like that.
There are mirrors inside the closet door, which makes it a little bit difficult because it's like, do you want to cover up a mirror with hats?
Yeah.
And frankly, I don't.
Yeah, I don't think you do.
I'm not that kind of guy.
The other option is you get like a sort of teddy bear and put it in a chair and then stack all the hats on top of it.
Yeah.
So then it reaches the ceiling.
This I like, yeah.
I like this.
And it's almost, it's as high as a stripper pole.
Okay.
I know how high that is.
The ceiling.
It's as high as a stripper pole.
High as a thing that goes all the way up to the ceiling.
Okay, a stripper pole.
Yeah.
All right.
We have to take a breath.
We'll be right back.
There's so much advice out there, and all we want to do as parents is get it right.
The great news is you're the expert on your child, and sometimes figuring out what they need is as simple as getting them to talk.
I'm Dr.
Susan Swick, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, and I'm also a mother of four.
On my new podcast, Talk Aboutable, I'll hear from parents about what's keeping them up at night, and we'll figure out how to tackle it by talking about it.
From Lemonada Media, Talk Aboutable is at September 9th.
Follow wherever you get your podcasts.
And we're back.
And we're back.
And it's time for One Threedom.
No.
It's time for One Threedom.
Go to One Threedom Plaza, and that's where you'll find the Freacher Museum.
By the way, we haven't talked about this.
This is early morning freedom for all of us.
This is the earliest we've ever recorded, right?
Yeah.
And so that's why we're all, our synapses are not firing correctly.
We should.
I mean, I've been up for five hours.
32.
Yeah, 5.30 a.m.
I woke up at 5 for no reason.
I woke up two hours before my alarm.
And yet that doesn't help because you just feel tired.
But it's like one o'clock.
It's like, I got this phone or
something.
Do you know that?
I get very tired when we record later.
It's like, I just get tired, okay?
Do you know this thing where
you wake up earlier than you intended to wake up?
You're lying there in bed, try to go back to sleep.
You don't go back to sleep.
And you think, oh, well, I'm awake.
I'm going to start my day.
Yeah.
Then about a half hour into that, you're like, oh,
mistake.
I've had a cup of coffee and now everything is ruined.
That's where I am right now.
Oh, that sucks.
It sucks.
Well, in any case, we're going to do a three-church.
And this is an old favorite.
This is switch it and pitch it.
Switch it and pitch it.
Switch it and pitch it.
Switch it and pitch it.
Dating back to our earliest episodes.
Oh, my God.
Wow, those were the early days.
Oh, God, everything was so different.
Old Faithful, I call this one.
Now, this is where
I believe it's one person pitches to two people, yeah.
And
the one person who's pitching, we give that person the title of an existing television show or movie.
Yes.
And they have to switch every letter into the opposite letter.
No, this is not letter, a word.
Every word into the opposite word.
Every letter.
The directly opposite, 13 away on a sliding scale.
Every word is like an opposite word, and then they have to pitch that show.
And then at the end of it, they have to sing the theme song to that show
as well.
Yeah, so that's a great.
So.
And that's a great thing.
Paul, do you want to be the first person to pitch?
Sure.
Okay.
I'm going to look up classic TV shows and find a good one.
Great.
And
I have
found nothing yet.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
So anyway.
Yeah, and I know, and that's why it's not going to work out.
Look.
I'm telling you.
I need this to work out.
It's not going to.
So you have to sell it now.
Okay.
Where am I supposed to sell this?
Craigslist?
I don't know.
know figure it out
should i not have come in oh i'm sorry no you shouldn't have fine who let you in well you did you said come on in you guys started having this arc
right
yes sprouse
not today you don't have to let the guests know that things aren't great we were having a little bit of
dylan bought i'm selling something well yeah better be you're selling something to sprouts here no to anyone
we need the money back yeah oh i see what are you guys together no no no okay no we're just we're two people who met when I bought something of hers.
And then I hired him to work at this company.
Yeah.
Okay.
And then I rose above her, and now I'm president of the company.
Okay.
And then I rose above him, and I'm the actual CEO.
Wow.
But then I rose above that buying, I became the head of another company, and I bought out this company.
And what's even crazier is that then I rose above that, bought both companies, and then I made it so nobody can buy anything higher.
Yeah, it was in all the contracts.
And you guys still personally hear pitches.
Yes, this is,
we like to control.
You know, we want to hear what's going on.
We want to make sure we get the true control is filmed.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
You guys are cool.
We're really hands-on.
Yeah.
So speaking hands-on, I want to put my hands on you.
And we only hear one pitch a year.
Yeah.
Oh, this is an honor.
I had no idea.
Oh, wait.
No, the last pitch we heard was 364 days ago.
Okay, so sometimes it's two.
Yeah.
Okay.
So this is what I'm supposed to do.
Do you want to come back tomorrow?
Would you prefer that?
Yes.
Okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay.
Time to go do that pitch.
Oh, you didn't get to do it yesterday.
Anyway, so I know they told me to come back the next day.
What?
Anyway, I sold it.
I finally sold it.
Thank God.
Now, how much money did you get?
I got $3.
Are you fucking kidding me?
And it was a $3 bill as well, and it was counterfeit.
I can't eat.
Oh, here he's back.
Oh, he's back.
Hi, Dylan.
Hi, Sprouse.
Hi.
Hi.
It's me, Tonato.
Can we hear your pitch, please?
Yes.
I am excited to see you.
You know what?
I'm realizing that the last pitch we heard was at 9.30 a.m.
Say no more.
And it is 9.28.
I'm going to go to the Starbucks and then turn right back around.
It's only two minutes, though.
I know, I know.
The Starbucks in the building.
Oh, okay.
With the one in the corner?
Yeah.
The one on the spotlight.
Okay.
We're so rich, we bought a Starbucks and have it in the corner of our office.
Yeah, exactly.
No, I'm telling him.
I know.
Yeah.
I'm not hearing you.
So anything I tell him, you're going to say you don't have to tell me.
Yes.
All right.
Hey, you know that Starbucks?
Because two minutes have elapsed.
And I'm back.
Hey.
Guys.
I didn't get anything.
Oh.
I didn't bring any money with me.
Oh, yes.
Because I figured I would get it at the end of this pitch.
Oh, smart thinking.
So you're putting yourself into the position where you have to sell this pitch.
Oh, yeah, because I've emptied my bank account.
I just threw the money away.
You're like a Jim Carrey writing yourself a check for a million dollars.
Yeah, that my ass can't cash.
Yes, but maybe you can.
Okay.
My ass can cash things.
Oh, great.
Is it a TV show?
It is a TV show.
Now,
we all know the world of the supernatural.
We all know this.
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay.
And we all know the world of Frankenstein.
Yes.
The doctor.
Earth in both cases.
Yes, this takes place on Earth.
Great.
Love it.
I'm ready to buy.
Don't jump to anything.
Hold on.
Don't jump to.
I'm tired of doing non-Earth shows.
I want to do something set on Earth.
There are so many shows in Mars.
I think you guys are going to be thrilled to have your first show set on Earth.
Okay.
Frankenstein, the ancient monster.
He's ancient?
Well,
he's from around here.
1800s.
Yeah.
It's pretty old.
Yeah, but it's not like prehistoric.
That's why I didn't say that.
That's why I didn't say prehistoric.
Thank you, Sprouse.
Am I on tomato side here or what?
Sprouts?
You're about to buy the show.
Don't disagree with me in front of the show.
By the show, we're going to be working a lot with tomato.
I'll come back tomorrow.
No!
Yeah, I think you should.
Okay.
Meant to wake up later.
Hey, it's my birthday, and you're going to leave again and do this pitch.
I'm supposed to do it two days ago.
I got to get away.
Hey!
Sprouse and I decided to come to you.
What?
We are at your house
meeting your wife.
What?
Hey, pretty sexy wife over here.
Oh, thanks.
Spouse, I think you're going to like her.
She sounds a lot like you.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Our voices are good.
But it's okay when people sound the same.
No, it's why
would it not be okay?
Oh, my, you sleep in the nude.
Yeah, I do.
In the buff.
That's a bit rude.
In my birthday suit.
It's actually my birthday.
Today's my birthday.
Yeah.
And I sleep in her birthday suit.
Oh, happy birthday.
I don't know.
Actually, to yourself.
No, I'm saying to her.
We actually brought her.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were speaking.
Take your sunglasses off.
We brought her a cake.
You just sound so similar.
Give her the cake.
Okay, here you go.
We brought this cake for you, Sprouse.
Ooh, it's made of vegan leather.
You're his wife.
What's his wife's name?
Krauss.
Wait, whose birthday is it?
Krause's.
It's Kraus?
Yeah, Lindsay Krauss.
That's my wife.
Oh, Lindsay Krause?
Yeah.
From House of Games?
You don't call her Lindsay?
No, I call her Krauss.
David, I was a big fan of the TV show Benson.
Tell me about David Mammet.
What was it like being married to him today?
What I like is
he officiated our wedding, and he made us put pauses in certain places, and we had to do them exactly.
Love and respect that.
So are you ready to pitch?
Yes, I am.
I woke up ready.
Yeah.
I woke up like this, ready to pitch.
You definitely did.
So you remember how I was talking about Frankenstein?
Did your boner cut glass?
I don't know if it should, but it would.
I have some glass right here.
Let me rub it up against your boner.
I guess the answer is no.
Well, anyway, see how Frankenstein isn't a real guy?
I need to shower.
Because what I saw on that glass,
please stop embarrassing.
Should we play the reverse hiding scene?
It's my birthday.
Yeah, let's play sardines.
Let's play sardines.
You first.
Go in the shower.
When we find you, you pitch the show.
oh thank god we tricked him into taking a shower he's not turning it on so he thinks
he's just rubbing shower ball over a giveaway they'll know exactly where i am
i'll go find him and i'll suggest we turn it off okay all right gotcha i'll get in here with you hey
here i am oh all right hey okay
hey lindsay
we're in here i go by kraus oh sorry kraus come on in here what you know what are you fuckers doing with my husband we're just doing a pitch We're just doing a pitch.
We're doing a pitch.
Doing a sardines pitch.
Hey, just tell us the name of the show and we can get out of your hair.
No, I needed to.
Just the name?
Please, just tell us the name.
No, please.
Please, Dr.
Big.
I've been practicing this pitch for days.
The name comes at the end?
Yes.
Okay, fine.
Just tell us.
Tell us.
Tell us.
Frankenstein's not real, right?
He's made up of a bunch of corpses and shit.
So he's not a real guy.
And so
his mouth gets really dry.
Okay.
And he goes on a whole lot.
Oh my God, my mouth is watering hearing.
The whole world over
in search of an artificial spit.
And this show is called False Saliva.
False Saliva.
The whole show is about Frankenstein trying to find artificial spit.
I think we should buy this.
And he helps.
You actually almost sold it.
I don't know why you're adding more.
Because you're going to give me extra money for this.
Oh, extra money.
Okay.
Yeah, we do.
We might tip you.
Incredible Hulk or Littlest Hobo style.
He helps people out in the towns that he goes to as he's searching for this spit.
Wow, here's $3.
Here's $5.
Thank you.
See, Krause, I told you.
This is an authentic $3 bill.
$8
today?
Yeah.
Oh, great.
I barely even got out of bed.
Yeah, it's still not good.
I haven't even showered yet.
I already made $8.
All right.
You know, we want to buy it, but it's dependent on one thing:
the theme song.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Ready?
Because I composed it.
Yep.
And you sing it as well.
Oh, okay.
This is a treat.
And you got to spit and you got to do it.
Now you need full saliva.
How you going to chew gum and you spit it out?
You need full saliva.
False, false, false, false, false.
Woo!
False saliva.
Woo!
Wow.
I don't know that we can afford the song rights.
No.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Now that you've heard it, you have to pay for it.
Oh, them's the.
You didn't read the quilted
needle point sign?
Oh, how much?
How much is that?
Oh, I'm afraid that's going to set you back.
The cost of the show, so you're looking at $8
more.
I'm out of $3 bills.
I just got $5.
I only have 8s.
Oh, I have a 5, though.
You have 8s?
Yeah.
Oh, just give them an 8 then.
All right.
A pleasure doing business with you.
Goodbye, forever.
Goodbye, forever.
Oh, you guys are still here?
Yeah.
I'm just going to figure out how to get out of this weird house.
Yeah, how do you get out of here?
There's no windows and no doors.
Yeah, that's how we like it.
Okay.
It's not how we like it.
It's how he likes it.
And my birthday is done, but I guess I still
am here, and I have something I want to say.
What do you want to say?
I want a divorce.
Kraus, why?
Why?
Krauss.
Because you said you hate me and you can't wait to get away from me.
Oh, shit.
That's right.
You have to say something to me five times before it really sinks in.
I want a divorce.
I want a divorce.
I want a divorce.
I want a divorce.
I want a divorce.
And technically, it should have sunk in sooner because I'd already said it once.
Krauss, I spent 24 hours here, and I'm in love with you.
Okay, this is perfect because this means that I have a good way out of this.
Let me be your exit hatch.
Okay, cool.
Sprouse,
are you still able to bear children?
Let me yank your pants down.
Ah, a bed.
Okay,
Okay, because I want a lot of children.
I'm going to call everyone here into the police station now.
I'm Sprauss, and I'm going to have everyone here arrested for
disgusting.
Yeah, I'm jealous.
Yeah, you're jealous because we're no longer together.
And Krauss and I love each other.
We've never been together, and you can have Kraus.
I don't know.
She's got the bloodiest vagina you've ever seen.
Oh my god.
She says, Krauss.
Jesus Christ.
And that's how you play.
And that's how you play.
That is how you play.
Guys.
In the directions.
So if you play it, do it exactly what we did just now.
Exactly.
And that's how you play it.
And that's how you do it.
Hey, guess what?
We're at ThreedomUSA on Twitter and Instagram.
Threedomusa gmail.com.
If you'd like to send us a three-cher or some
music you've composed or some shit.
What the fuck you want to do?
Making a theme.
Yeah, making a theme.
If you have any themes for us.
We have so many many departments now and they need jingles.
Yeah, so make us some theme songs.
Make us some themes.
And of course, our phone number:
haha la inpu.
Ha ha la impu.
And if you want to hear the archives and ad-free episodes, go to Stitcher Premium or cbbworld.com.
We love you.
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, it's Lena Waith.
Legacy Talk is my love letter to black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us.
This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Felicia Rashad, Loretta Devine, Ava DuBernay, and more.
We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day.
Come be a part of the conversation.
Season two drops July 29th.
Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast or watch us on YouTube.
Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.
We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.
So, this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.
Uncared for season three from Lemonada Media, available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.