Threevisiting: The Bootleg Bug Man

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I'll see you in your dreams.

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?

Yeah.

And look at us now.

Like, we're all grown up.

We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff, and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye, but for the most part, it's about you.

I mean, it's always been about you.

From Lemonada Media, Alive with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube.

Freedom!

Um

Freedom!

Hi, I'm Paul.

Did you guys notice that I was doing a little character in the theme song?

No, Lauren, no.

I tune you out.

I'm Scott.

Why do you.

I'm not listening.

I said me.

I tune you out.

Fuck me.

Fuck me.

You tune me out.

I tune you out.

You tune me out?

I tune me out.

Tool me, toll me, toll me out.

I love that song.

It's so good.

It's so good.

Lauren, would you like to be an alien and go to another planet and then right now?

Yeah, goodbye.

No, and then ask.

Well, if I was at another planet, I would be an alien.

Right?

She got you.

She got you.

That's what I mean.

But you go to another planet, be an alien, and then give the

alien to you, aliens.

Be an alien.

Give them an impression of what humans are like, but you're acting really weird.

I would, well, yeah, I would just do, if I went there, I'd be like, okay, so what planet am I on?

Do you want to be the Xenox?

Okay, do you want to be the

Xenoxy?

Yeah, I'll be the Xenoxians, yeah.

Okay, and I was, I was, are you one of them?

I was going to say, uh,

what were you going to say?

Lenarth.

I think it's a better planet.

Well, what if it was half Xenox, half Lenarth, and our planets split

cleaved in twain.

Yes, Plaxor.

Yeah.

And then they come together.

And you both are from there?

Yes.

And I'm arriving in like a spaceship.

I mean, it's

invisible.

It's a space shuttle.

It's invisible like Wonder Woman's plane.

Why?

How did I get it?

Should it all be Earthy space?

You spray-painted it.

I feel like it should be like NASA that I got sent out.

It's more like NASA.

Oh, shit.

That's good.

You let them have it, dude.

Okay, so.

Okay, so you're arriving.

Okay, and I'm getting out.

And we put on our universal translators.

Ooh, good sound effects.

Much like Captain Marvel.

She's wearing flippers.

We should be recording this for our sound effects record.

Oh, yeah.

What do we have for you?

Hey,

hey, excuse me.

Hi.

What?

Hey.

What?

Oh, you speak.

Oh, you're using a universal translator.

Yeah, you have yours on, too.

Oh, well, I'm speaking English.

What's that?

Yeah, we know because we can understand it because you are wearing your translation.

What is English?

English is the language of my country.

What's a country?

What a country.

It's like a landmass on a planet.

I've smirked off.

On Plaxor, question asks you.

A country is like a landmass on a planet that we kind of arbitrarily determine has its own rules.

You lost me at English.

I'm just trying to teach you, I'm here to just kind of explain what human beings

on Earth do.

What are these?

You mean Terra?

Yeah, Terra.

Oh, Terra.

Are you guys still there?

We thought you would be extinct by now because of the way you treat each other.

No, we're doing great, actually.

That was good.

We always act like everything's about to end, and then it gets at least five to ten more years before it gets really dire again.

Okay, what are you doing here?

I'm here to teach you about human beings from Earth.

I didn't realize there'd be a test.

Okay,

we're just minding our own business.

Yeah.

I didn't think I was going to school today.

Fuck, we were seven conversations.

Never mind.

I don't have to do it.

Bye.

Wow, that was our first contact with an alien life form.

Hey, I thought we did pretty good.

I thought we did pretty good.

It was kind of anticlimactic.

I'm back.

I just wanted to abduct you and

put stuff in your butt.

All right, here's my butthole.

Do whatever you need to do.

We can just hand it to you.

Oh, yeah.

It's portable.

We have portable buttholes here.

I don't think so.

Woo!

She jumped off that cliff.

She jumped into our buttholes and out of our cars.

Who's zooming my butthole?

She was simply awesome.

Hey, we loved her.

We loved her.

We woke up and suddenly we were in love.

Well, I'm back.

And I just climbed out of two buttholes.

Hey, congrats.

You look like it.

I got to go now.

You know, I don't even care that she's back anymore.

I wish she'd stop announcing.

She's just going to leave right away.

Oops, I forgot my apple.

Apple.

Oh, that's what that is.

Bye.

Primitive earth technology, apples.

Oh, I'll be back just to explain that really quick.

An apple is a fruit.

You can bite it.

Yes, we used to have that.

Now all of our food is gas.

Oh, what does that taste like?

It's gross.

Bye.

It tastes like what you humans call petrol.

I'm just going to stop acknowledging here.

I'm back.

I just wanted to let you know a little something about that.

Anyway, so what are you up to?

I just wanted to tell you guys about game shows.

I was thinking about going to work.

Because I don't think you have that here.

You go to work?

What do you do at work?

Yeah, we're talking?

Yeah, we're talking.

No, I know.

I'm just back, and I'm not from here.

Oh, we know you're back.

Be polite to talk to you.

We heard all your announcements.

Yeah.

I actually have to go now.

So I thought it was funny.

Yeah, I thought it would be fun to go back.

Goodbye.

Yeah.

Okay.

Anyway.

Yeah.

That was fake.

I'm actually still here.

Fuck.

I hate earthlings.

Okay, now I'm leaving.

Was this what you were like as a little kid?

Probably.

Yeah, I'm still here.

I was just pretending that you leave.

Yeah, I'm waiting around the bed to see if they talk about me.

Yeah.

Sure.

So I go to school with my books tied up in a belt.

Much like Samantha Parkington.

Oh, from American Girls.

She had a thing to carry her books that it wasn't a belt, but it was two things with a button.

It was like a strap?

Yeah.

It was like a strap with a wooden beam on the top.

Oh,

it buckles around and you'd slide the books in.

Like a pilgrim's hat?

Like a pilgrim's hat?

Did we talk about this before?

Like when you were a fucking kid, you had to carry around a bunch of goddamn books on your back.

back heaviest bags ever and then we would we would wear ours low slung because that was cool at the time yes and then that didn't hinder your walking and then we had to put them in our back our lockers and we weren't allowed to carry backpacks all day exactly we did talk about that i think i would carry a stack

so we can move along i would carry a stack of books because every class expected you to have your book with you your textbook with you but i never wanted to go to the locker because my locker was filled with whatever shit and papers and stuff that were there in the first couple of weeks and then you never went to it on there exactly but never went again.

My locker was my pride and joy.

I loved going to my locker.

Yeah.

And I loved organizing it.

Also, all my classes were all over the place.

So it was like, it just would waste time.

Some weren't even at your school.

Yeah.

So I just when you had to go learn how to put on pants and get on a train.

I was thinking about, could you ever put on pants the opposite way?

You mean butt first?

Crisscross style?

Like instead of going into them, they go on you.

Wait, we've talked about this too, and I'm not kidding.

We did talk about

because I said I throw throw my pants up in the air and wait for them to fall down over me.

No, but

could you put your pants on where they come up through your

inside out?

You put them

in there.

You put your feet

into the leg holes, and then you go up and you turn them right side in.

I'm sure you could, but simply why.

I want to do it.

You can do that either.

I thought you were suggesting.

Here's what I thought you were suggesting.

I'm just taking my pants off.

I thought you were suggesting putting your feet through the leg holes.

Yeah.

And

going inside, from inside out to right side in.

Scott.

No.

Your brain works in such magical ways.

How

can we ever understand a creature such as you?

Study me, I guess.

Under a microscope.

I'd like to put a giant pin in you and stick you on a board.

Like a butterfly.

Did I tell you about the bug?

Like a what?

The who?

The bug dude in junior high?

I don't think so.

No, did I tell you about the pocket lady?

Ooh, two new stories.

Although I don't know.

The pocket lady sounds familiar.

Noon?

Okay, we had to do bug collections in science.

Had to?

Got to.

In science class in junior high.

No.

I call bullshit on that.

You bring me the bugs.

Bring me the bugs, and I'll tell you what I think about them.

We had to do leaf.

I'll tell you what they are.

No, you had to.

I call this guy Big Greeny.

Get next.

And they would tell you what bugs you had to collect, right?

And you had to pin them into Styrofoam and identify them and all that.

Fuck that.

And you'd go, where the fuck am I supposed to, and how do I get these bugs?

And they're like, get a big net

and go find them places, right?

And they go, hey, there's a park across the street with a pond.

There's a whole bunch out there.

God bless this drunk teacher.

Yeah.

Who's like, you got to catch me?

This is comp?

This is what I wonder.

It's a big ass.

I so hungover, right?

Okay, guys.

I don't think it's a bug collection.

I mean, we dissected frogs and worms.

No, we dissected frogs and worms and worms.

So other people did this.

We dissected baby pigs.

We did frogs and pigs.

Baby pigs.

But so the bug collection.

It's always sick when you think about it.

So the bug collection thing

was horrific.

I mean, I thought it was gross, but I didn't think it was inhumane.

I didn't want to do it.

I do think it's bad now.

So the bug collection, I went out with a net, a butterfly net or whatever, and tried to...

Hold on a second.

Were you provided the nets or you had to get the net by yourself?

I think you had to get the net by yourself.

This is fucking garbage.

Terrible.

By horse shit.

I went out one day to the park and swung around

the net just going, I'm trying to get a bug.

And

I can't get bugs.

Okay, okay.

When people talk about what they would do with a time machine, I would go back in time to watch this.

Can I be in a bug here?

Little fucking spot with some net.

That would change the course of the future forever if we watched.

Talk about the butterfly effect.

Oh, I'd never talk about that.

I was going to say.

The not catching a butterfly effect.

Why can't you do a butterfly?

So you get like three months to do this, right?

You know?

I fucking hope so.

Yeah, yeah.

So there's it's not like he's saying hey do this tonight

that you find well you're supposed to no you're supposed to find certain bugs and be able to identify

that is so rude obviously not a praying mantis because if you kill one you go to jail yeah you can

and it goes to hell because it's in the middle of asking forgiveness for its sins and it's

unbaptized so you don't know so basically like the clock is ticking down on this three months right and it's getting closer and the first couple of months you're like yeah Yeah, at some point, I'm going to try to get these bugs or whatever.

Yeah, this is doable.

And then a month in, it's like, yeah, I got to get these bugs, but I can still do it, right?

I mean, it's going to come down to the wire.

And then the week of

you have no bugs, and you're like, what?

This is how

I was in biology class my, well, it was my sophomore year.

It was actually a freshman year class, but I skipped it freshman year because I really didn't want to do it.

So then I was a sophomore in it with all these freshmen, but it was kind of fun.

And there were two other sophomores.

And we had to do a project where we, I know, where we had to like do like an internship for like the whole semester and like go do a scientific internship of something.

Do they wanted people to do this or they, or you just showed up and said, you have to take me on as a?

It was like, it was like, you had to figure it all out yourself.

Gotcha.

And so, of course, I just ignored it for like ever, like months and months.

And I was like, oh, shit, that's due.

And then my friend's mom like knew a biologist or whatever who was like going to like do a, like get some samples at a creek.

And I like went.

Sounds miserable.

I like tagged along with these two people randomly and I helped them like collect

for one day or something

and then they signed yourself yeah then I wrote the whole thing as if it was over the

time well you know I got an A.

I was not gonna I wasn't gonna graduate high school

and the the person called somebody talked you into it yeah I was like all right I'll do it um no they called me and said oh by the way you're not graduating graduating high school because you never did your work stuff I hope that's not how they said it oh by the way you're not graduating high school oh by the way call him into the office yeah obviously.

Oh, by the way.

Wait, oh, something that just came up.

No, they said, you're not graduating in high school because you never did your work study thing.

And I was like, oh, yeah.

And this is another insane act.

Bugs?

Is that the bugs from five years ago?

You're supposed to figure out.

Yeah, how to.

So I was like, well,

so I was like, what do I have to do?

And they're like, well, you should have had this already, but you need to do one of these few things, right?

So

I went to the public access TV station where I had a TV show.

Find a woman with hair as gold as the sun.

Find a raven's feather black as the night.

So I hadn't done any episodes of that TV show in my senior year because I was going to the high school of the arts.

And I went to the head of the public access and he's like, yeah, I haven't seen you around this year.

I'm like, dude, could you just sign this?

Can I please do comedy bang bangs?

You just signed this thing saying I've been here all year working.

What's it going to take, dude?

And he's like, all right, but only if you come back this summer and do more episodes of your show.

Like, we've missed having you around.

I'm like, I promise I never saw him again.

But I graduated high school.

You're a lonely person.

This story is: they begged you to do more episodes of your little show.

I get it.

Oh, my, we need to get the first one.

Let me finish the box.

Your high school kids' show is the best show on the network.

Listen, child, we love having you around here.

It's so good.

Good shows.

It's so good.

Anyway, so of course I went to TV camp at the public access station.

Yeah, I bet your shows were good too.

Your shows were fantastic.

I would love to see them.

I didn't get to do any fun show like that.

I did that dumb broadcasting thing where it was just like radio show.

I told you about this because

there was the local newscaster who someone just ascribed the Richard Gere rumor to him, and it stuck.

Oh, yeah.

And it's like, no, not two people.

It's Richard Gere, Rod Stewart, and this guy.

Rod Stewart, I heard heard

was a separate rumor.

Gerbils for both.

I never heard gerbil for both.

I heard gerbils for both.

Never.

Gerbils for both, please?

Gerbils, gerbils everywhere.

And we'll have gerbils for both.

Two for a gerbil.

But there was a so I did this broad very.

Do any adults have a gerbil?

I don't know.

Don't you think it's a kid pet?

Well, this ties into my bug story.

Okay.

You caught a gerbil?

Put it up my ass.

No, so.

Paul, and if I'm interrupting you, please let me know.

But Paul's laughing right now.

Because I know I've told the story before, and it's not worth it.

It's not worth it.

Listener, if you haven't heard the story,

go rewind this podcast, and then we'll just rewind every other episode.

Episode one and continue.

Okay, so

adults have a future.

It is, though.

It's a kid's pet.

It's a kid's pet.

It's a kid's pet.

Kids are keeping the gerbil business alive.

The closest is guinea pig.

There are some adults who have guinea pigs.

Yeah.

But no adult like has.

What about the baby?

But why?

Like, why don't people have a hamster?

Like, just one goldfish and a ball.

That's fucked up.

That would be sus.

No one has a gerbil.

That would be sucks.

Suss.

Oh.

That would be sucks.

So, anyway, so the gerbil's lifespan, two months?

Two days?

So it's the week of having to turn it in.

I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do about this bug collection thing?

And my friend goes, oh, there's this dude who sells bugs.

Oh, perfect.

And we're like, what?

And live?

And no, no.

He's got eight legs.

He lives in a web.

He's like, he does this.

He touches him all day long.

He does this for all of us.

Junior high students.

What?

You got to go to his house and

pay per bug.

The bootleg bug man.

Is the science teacher in cahoots with the bug man?

Oh, I never thought of it.

Did the bug man look like the science teacher with a fake mustache by each way?

And then your science teacher would drive around laughing at you all, trying to jump around with a net.

Idiots, just find the bug man.

And he's just counting them.

He's like waiting for you to get a signal.

He's like at a camcorder.

He's just filming footage of all these dumb fucking kids.

Then he and the bug man laugh at it.

And he and the bug man are himself looking at the mirror.

Look at this guy.

Look at this.

Mr.

Science and the Bugman.

So we go over all of the ideas together.

That was everything.

So

we hear about Bugman, and we're like, okay, we make an appointment.

I forget.

Appointment.

But yeah, it was like

after this guy's job.

He's got bugs all his place.

It was after this guy's job at his apartment, right?

I'm sure.

Where he caught cockroaches under the bed.

Yeah.

So we go.

So in my mind,

he's not catching syphilis.

In my mind, this is going to be like a simple transaction of he goes, oh, hey, great.

Here you are.

You'll need this bug.

What kind of bugs do you need?

Okay, it's this amount of money.

And it'll take 20 minutes.

And also, you're supposed to keep the bugs alive for like months?

No, no, no, no.

You kill, they're dead.

They're dead, and you put pins in them

and display them and put like the name of it on them.

That was never part of that.

That's good.

That's good.

From the very beginning, you are killing these bugs.

I am really kidding.

It's like the egg thing.

It's like

the egg thing, where you have to keep it alive.

If you can keep this

mosquito alive.

Your spider alive for a month.

You could be a parent.

That's probably true.

That's not bad.

Because those things are not supposed to live that long.

But it was like going to a drug dealer's house or something where

you knock on the door and the guy's like, all right, well, come on in here.

And we got out of the way.

Of course, he's a creep.

Of course, I have a lot of bugs here.

Here's my selection.

And he goes, but the thing about it is, you can't just buy the bugs from me.

You're going to have to answer questions in your class about

so I'm going to have to give you a lot of information about each bug.

You can't say anything bad about Towards a Various bugs.

So he's like, I'm going to have to teach you everything about each bug.

No, we're trying not to do that, sir.

It was five fucking hours.

We're sitting there in this creeps apartment as he teaches us about every bug and our eyes are glassed over.

And we're like, just sell us the fucking bugs.

That's the work that you put in.

And of course, then I arrange them.

Everything's free.

I arrange them on my thing.

I turn them in, and the teacher never says one word about asks me any question about any bug.

It's just like...

No, his head was down on the desk.

Yeah.

Because he was like, I have this whole 5,000 bugs around me right now.

I've made these kids bring me.

You weren't supposed to be able to do it.

You were all supposed to fail.

Somehow you found the bug man.

You found the bug man of Cypress, California.

Oh, Mr.

Signs and the Bugman.

Mr.

Bugman.

The Bugman of Cypress, California.

That's creepy.

We have a steak break.

We'll be right back.

Bye-bye.

It's back.

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School season, little boys and girls.

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I'm Hussa Minhaj, and I have been lying to you.

I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hussin Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.

People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Is America too dumb for democracy?

Outrageous.

Parenting expert Dr.

Becky.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?

It's a good question.

Listen to Hussa Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonata Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

And we're back.

Yep.

And form of bugs.

You had something you wanted to say?

I was going to say something to Kevin, but we're off

the Kevin track.

If people knew the things that we say to Kevin

during breakfast,

we are merciless.

Oh, Kevin.

Let me tell you something.

Kevin loves to spill the tea, and we lap it up like little piggies.

Please, Kevin,

give us more.

Please more tea.

Well, we're back.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

Except stop the podcast.

Yeah.

Like most others.

And never listen to it again.

What were you going to say, Lauren?

Yeah, what were you going to say?

You're not going to tell us now.

No, but no, but tell us the other thing you were going to say.

Oh, fine.

I'll say another thing if you want.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Please, Lauren, say another thing.

Think back to high school and all the ways I would procrastinate things and all the things I didn't understand that I was just going along with.

And it's just crazy when you think back to that time and like you're just sitting there.

It's crazy.

I don't understand at all what is being explained because I'm not listening.

Sounds like your life now.

Yeah, it's true.

It does cross over a little bit.

I struggle with

all questions to newcomers.

I struggle with science so much.

And my first science class in high school was IPS, Introductory Physical Science.

IP Freely.

You don't have irritable piss syndrome?

Irritable piss.

Wow, my piss syndrome.

It's irritating.

Not even pitching.

It doesn't burn.

It's just irritating me not even pita syndrome irritable piss syndrome

what's what's ips dear introd

it's introductory physical science hun what does that mean i don't remember yeah needless to say i was not doing well in that class physical science what would it mean i wonder well it's like that's where you have your your beakers and your earlinmeyer flowers

and your buns

oh yeah well i'm making potions.

I took chemistry, and I was like, why am I doing that?

I was able to skip chemistry.

Well, here's what happened to me: I was so bad in because we had tracks, you know, track one, track two, track three, track four.

We did not have fields one through four.

What does track mean?

That means you're, are you a smart or a dumb-dumb?

Yeah.

I'm a track four.

Is that like what?

Yeah, what track were you?

You don't need to know science, honey.

You're a track four.

What were you?

I still work on a car.

I was track track one oh that's the thing i grew up smart yeah and so they expected a lot of people

smart i was one you can believe it i was one of those people where they would say you're not living up to your potential and it's like actually maybe this is beyond me well i was like you know what i mean like like what what i don't know what you're gathering

so smart i'm clearly having a problem with this yeah and you're accusing me of not applying myself it's like

can't do this i coasted through elementary school everyone who didn't and everyone's like you're

you're incredibly smart.

And then come seventh grade, where they're like, now you have to do homework.

I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't like doing this.

I've been able to get homework till you were in seventh grade.

Maybe sixth or so.

I mean, you got some stuff.

You definitely had a lot of homework growing up.

I have homework every grade from what I remember.

No, kindergarten.

They made me take naps on the weekends.

Did some Z's come out of your eyeballs this weekend, Paul?

So there was some project that we had to do at some point.

It was an individual individual project it was not like all of us doing the same thing and i

was i for some reason i had to write this paper i had to write a paper on something we ought to write a paper on something oh yeah i had to write paper for some reason i chose no this is in high school this was ips

um and i chose computer languages i can't remember what the what the parameters were but i was like I don't know.

I like video games and maybe this.

I don't know.

Yeah.

And I just remember like writing this thing as best I could trying to make it into into something.

About like cobalt or something?

Yeah, cobalt a DOS and all this shit.

Oh, my God.

And I did not do well.

I remember the.

Like Doss Boot.

You can't have both.

It's either DOS nuts or DOS moods.

You cannot have both.

Either get Doss Boot or Doss Nuts.

But I remember the teacher being Mr.

Hilfready.

And he was being

acting Mr.

Hilfrey-ish.

He was all Mr.

Hilfrey.

He's Joe Hilfready right now.

Mr.

Hilfrey, you got to stop this.

He was Joe Hilford.

His name was Mr.

Hilfready.

And he was acting like I was trying to pull one over on him.

It's like,

dude, I'm trying the best I can.

Yes, I didn't have the language to say, come on, man.

You should have done computer mic.

You can't do this.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no.

There were some, and also sometimes I just hated the teacher.

And I was like, I'm not doing this for you.

So then I got moved down to track two for biology.

Oh, that's her fault.

Yeah, I did great.

No, it wasn't her fault.

I was like, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And then the follow-up so then I did well in that.

And then they moved me back up to track one for chemistry.

And I was like, no,

this is like the other one, but more.

Yeah.

I'm not going to do better at this than I did at the one that had introductory in the name.

So then did they move you down again?

Or?

No,

I had to go to summer school for chemistry.

And then I didn't have to do science in my final year.

I feel like I'm having the craziest mind melt right now because I thought your shirt said Metallica this whole time.

Yeah.

And I just saw it and it looked like it changed.

Yeah.

Like, honestly, it was like.

No, it's one of those shirts where if I turned to the side, that's what I feel like.

It feels like a lenticular.

I almost wanted to throw up.

Like, it felt so confusing.

You were so confused.

You wanted to throw up.

Because I was so certain that's what it said.

And then I went, it doesn't.

I feel like I had looked at it and read it multiple times.

Right.

Well, it's in the Metallica font.

Yeah, but it's really

R-E-M.

Okay.

H-H-Q.

It's the R-EM's fan club.

I don't know, but that really made me feel weird.

Yeah, you wanted to throw up.

You were so dumb.

Yeah.

Put your head between your knees, dear.

Put your head between and eat out your own ass.

Okay.

Well.

Science.

I took biology in ninth grade.

The best guy.

Where we had to dissect that frog and that worm.

No, no, no.

I did the frog.

That old frog.

Yeah, we had to dissect that frog and that worm.

I still think about the word.

I did the worm.

It's gross.

I could picture it like it was yesterday.

I really pictured the pad that was on within the tin structure.

It was like in a tin baking pan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you're pinning.

And then you're pinning it to that sort of yellow material.

And then,

yeah, and then pudding, and then gets the pudding pops.

I just remember the smell.

Yeah, it was very nasty.

Yeah.

Well, my whole thing is, is like, you know how when you- No, hold on a second.

Yeah.

This is your whole thing.

This is my entire thing.

This sums you up.

Yes.

Okay.

I stand by this.

Okay.

All right, people.

And you know what people are going to say?

Yeah, I do.

Okay.

And people are going to say this is Scott Arckerman.

Oh, he's.

This is what I think.

When I think about the Scott, this is what I think.

Okay.

You know how when a person is convicted of murder and they're in jail for 20, 30 years?

Yeah.

They're exonerated.

Yeah.

They get out and then they sue the state for putting them in prison erroneously.

And they're awarded several tens of millions of dollars.

I don't don't know about this.

What do you mean?

This happens a lot?

Happens a lot, yeah.

Because they were, they were exonerated

because

they states that they were busy saying erroneously.

Yes, erroneously.

So,

they should get tens of millions of dollars.

Yes, they should.

That's what I'm saying.

And this ties into gift cards.

This ties into my thing.

So, you know,

you know how

I've talked about this, I believe, before.

Thousands of Apple music.

We have given you gift cards to every store in town.

I mean, that should do it, right?

Just Apple music.

You can go anywhere anywhere you want.

You can't pay rent.

My junior high science teacher who made me cut open

a worm or something, and I didn't get a good grade,

ended up

having an affair with one of the junior high students.

A student.

Yes.

And then

she graduated and went into high school.

So he applied at the high school and followed her there and continued having affairs.

It was a little girl.

Yes.

I'm disgusting.

And he was convicted and all that.

Oh, oh.

Shouldn't I be able to sue the junior high for making me take a class with him for tens of millions of dollars?

Yeah.

I mean, that is absolutely sick.

And you know what?

You know what's insane?

There are so many stories like this.

There are so many stories.

Like everyone knows of somebody expecting the same results.

You know what I mean?

Like it's just, it's insane.

I think that is just so insane.

Oh, yeah, it's terrible.

There was an English teacher in my school who had an affair with one of the students, um, one of my classmates, yeah, uh, and they ran off together.

Um, and how far did they go?

A mile, yeah, before they were gunned down.

That's scandalous as hell.

You all must have been losing your shit.

Oh, it was wild.

We had a few scandals in my school.

I told you, of course, about the teacher that was in the school play with us.

Oh, yeah, so I love it.

Oh, that makes sense.

Who kissed all the students?

He kissed a girl

and we liked it.

That's really sad it dates over cherry chopstick but yeah he was cast as he was cast as emile debeck in our production of south mission

and there was a kissing scene he was cast by himself no it was he it was not it was by election no it was the people he was not in the drama department Oh, it was a oh, I thought he was the instructor of drama.

No, that even crazier.

Exactly.

So glad we told the story again

so that I could learn that wrinkle.

So he was so good at drama as what kind of teacher was.

No, i do not was it just his look i guess his look because he had sort of a european flair about him or something i guess amile debt he had a mustache that's it

so he was not even within the drama department whoa yeah it was so weird sick it was weird at the time i always had assumed this was your teacher who was directing the play was like look none of you assholes can pull this off no that's what made it even more insulting was like wow hey how come we can't do it yeah why can't that's yeah

nuts and then i ended up being double cast as Luther Billis with a junior.

Wait, so

the other one was a teacher and a student and they ran off together.

No, that was a separate teacher.

That was a separate one.

This teacher who was cast in the play also made out with a student,

did not have an affair, but obviously

did this more than once.

And then the person who ran off with the student, did they stay together?

I don't know.

I don't know what happened to them.

But that English teacher, he gave me a bad grade on my paper about Black Like Me because he said, you didn't prove to me that you read the book.

What was the member?

Oh, I wonder what you wrote.

Black Like Me, I just copied the back of the book.

Yeah.

Anyway, so this one had you pegged.

So this white guy.

I included, like, I put penguin books in there.

I probably shouldn't have done that.

You don't know what Black Like Me is?

No, I do.

You do.

You don't?

I guess I don't, really, because I never read it.

This was an experiment in the, I want to say it was the 60s where a white man had his skin darkened.

It was the Eddie Murphy kind of thing.

Exactly.

It was

the Eddie Murphy sketch.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And so he went out in the world and saw what it was like to be treated like a black man.

Right.

And pretty good.

It was great.

He loved it.

So you didn't read it.

It's like, everyone assumed I had a big penis.

He had a great time.

Wasn't there a movie like that?

He concludes with, so I don't know what all the fuss is about.

But it was like a comedy from the 80s.

Watermelon.

C.

Thomas Howell.

There's a movie called Watermelon Man.

Was there one where

there's a lot of variations in college?

I'm saying it's cool.

I'm not sure if that's the one.

Scott?

All you have to do is trust me.

We don't want to.

On this count, he's right.

It was called Soulman.

It did star C.

Thomas Howell.

And Ray Dong Chong.

Okay, okay.

Two minutes later.

Ray Dong Chong.

Then there was Joanna Man, of course.

But that was not changing race.

No, that was just a classic drag

man forced into doing drag because he has no other choice.

This has got to play in the WNBA.

That was one of the movies that I was asked to rewrite.

Rewrite?

You were asked to rewrite it?

It was sent to me by an eccentric.

And then you were like, it's perfect.

I can't do anything to this.

No, it was one of the ones where I'm like, this sucks.

This will never get made.

It happened to me a lot where a movie that I thought sucked then came out.

But to be fair, they all sucked.

But Joanna Man did not, did they redo it?

Did it?

No, it was just no, it was just one.

Oh, just have the time.

Yeah, you saw, they said, please, we have such a great idea.

We just need the script to be good.

Well, yeah, in my career, that would happen a lot where it's like, hey, here's a job opening to rewrite Juwanna Man.

Yeah.

And then I read it and was like, oh, this will never get made.

Why would I waste my time on this?

Was the name supposed to be a play on something?

I feel like I've talked about this because it's like, well, it's like, do you want a

man?

But is that a saying that we all use?

No, I think it's saying.

He's playing a woman.

But I think

the NBA is

like

do you want a man?

No, it doesn't make any sense.

You can say it as much as you want.

It's never going to make it a phrase that we all use.

Hey, we're looking for someone to play in the WNBA.

Do you want a man?

But that's the only way that

those plays on words work is if it's like a common expression.

Right.

You have to just

doubt fire.

Exactly.

We don't doubt fire.

No.

Men don't doubt fire.

We create fire.

We create fire.

Women doubt fire.

I always do.

And are you missing this doubt fire?

My mind, when I've discovered that was based on a book, my mind was blown apart.

The Bible.

That was my mind.

Exactly.

It's based on a chapter.

Chapter 3.

It's based on

a young adult novel.

Whoa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That actually makes a lot of sense, I would say.

In a book form, it would be a good idea.

But I would say it does make sense as a young adult novel.

But also, it makes sense that it was written before because, you know, it's like such a great original idea.

And it's like, no, it wasn't.

It's such a great original idea.

But it was a great movie.

I know you hate Shakespeare, but I've never seen it.

I've never seen it.

It's based on Shakespeare.

Yeah.

No.

Just him.

Oh, just the idea?

Mr.

No, this was in Shakespeare's life.

He had to do this.

Oh, yeah.

Did you see Shakespeare?

He never wrote about it.

He never wrote about it.

It's like, dude, write what you know.

This is such a great story.

You've got to put this in a place.

You put a story.

You got to put it to the play.

Joey, please.

And then when thy breasts catch on fire, everyone's going to Trottle Hartley.

That pie in your face?

The queen will laugh.

Tortal Hearty.

Or rattle his jewelry.

He's a great name.

Hi, I'm Tortle Hartley.

Chortle Heartily with the weather.

I'm Chortle Hartley.

Here's the scene for the role of Burger King Stokes.

Stop bothering me.

The sun's going to be in the sky until the clouds come by, though the rain comes down, baby.

When the rain comes out, everybody gets wet.

Ready?

Love it.

Boy, oi, oi, ooy.

Here's what Janie and I were saying for days after watching an episode of The Offer, which was like just making up a thing that would be in the kids' days in the picture.

Was it a good idea?

Absolutely not.

Did I do it anyway?

You bet your ass I did.

Thank you for that.

Ready.

All right, Hillary Cavend.

A sincere pish.

We have to take a break.

We'll be right back.

Okay.

There's so much advice out there, and all we want to do as parents is get it right.

The great news is you're the expert on your child.

And sometimes, figuring out what they need is as simple as getting them to talk.

I'm Dr.

Susan Swick, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, and I'm also a mother of four.

On my new podcast, Talk Aboutable, I'll hear from parents about what's keeping them up at night, and we'll figure out how to tackle it by talking about it.

From Lemonada Media, Talk Aboutable is at September 9th.

Follow wherever you get your podcasts.

Fuck it, we'll do it live.

That's right, we're back.

That's right.

It's still freedom, like it was before.

No, you were not Bill O'Reilly.

Don't adjust your podcast.

Don't get scared about fuck it, we'll do it live.

Bill O'Reilly,

Bill O'Reilly.

Yeah, here I am.

Here I am.

You know what I'm talking about?

Kind of.

Okay, let's hear a couple of voicemails because we haven't heard him in a couple weeks, but we want to see if, look,

I don't have a lot of high expectations for this.

I know you hate this.

Probably.

But look, if you have a, if you have a call call to make,

call us at haha in poo.

La in poo.

La in pew.

And we don't want jokes.

And we don't necessarily

want to give you advice, but if you want to ask us a question,

we'll maybe answer it.

I don't mind giving advice if it's questions.

I like giving advice.

Yeah, I think giving advice is okay.

My favorite thing is unsolicited advice, so this takes the shine off of that a little bit.

Yeah.

But

just call with your phone number.

I'll call you and give you unsolicited advice.

Don't say your phone number in the air.

But also, yeah, if you have advice, if you have a question for us, if if you have

like a

version of any of our jingles,

like a produced version of any of our sung jingles that you'd like to do.

If you want to share how we've positively affected your life.

Yeah.

Or negatively.

No.

Kevin, you have.

Kevin.

Meow.

What a do.

Kevin, you have.

I slammed my hand on my chord.

Slam hand?

I did a slam hand.

Oh, no.

All right, let's hear the first one.

My little link.

Hi, guys.

It's Brian, longtime caller, first time listener.

So we all know that MTV's The Challenge is the greatest reality show of all time.

But with that show aside, if you could create your dream reality show, what would it include?

And what would it be about?

Thanks.

Game is.

Okay, Brian.

This is okay.

This is an okay kind of question.

It is of it involves some creativity.

Conversation starters are a good thing to call in with because you know we always need them.

Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, because

I'm going to say this right now.

Are tired of talking to you?

Not interested in who would win in a fight between anything and anything else.

Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Other than me and you.

Right.

Barely show vibe.

Here we go.

For sure.

Lauren Sleeping?

No, I'm thinking.

Oh, my God.

No, that's my show.

I'm thinking, you know,

I always kind of like

celebrity daters.

Yeah.

And I always kind of like celebrities.

Celebrity daters, meaning like it follows celebrities.

Like a celebrity on a dating show.

Like TLC.

It follows, but with celebrities dating.

It follows, yes.

So it's a celebrity who's following who's the ghost.

They're just fucking each other.

Yeah.

I think I'd be interested in a celebrity fear factor.

With Joe Rogan?

No.

As the contestant?

Yeah, sure.

And Dr.

Fuji playing against him, Fauji?

Foji?

Fuji?

Hey, Fauji.

Dr.

Fauji.

Remember when Laurie Neil was in the Fauge's?

I like shows where people have to live together.

Like where people have to live in a small space, you know, in an apartment or something together and just deal with each other.

I like that.

They don't have to be celebrities.

But if it was celebrities, I would probably have Fear Factor where we watch like Reese with a Spinnest, eat a scorpion.

So many talents.

Tales for fears involves eating a bug.

I know.

Isn't that wild?

Who wants to do it?

Call the bug man of psychology.

He's going to chomp into a scorpion.

It's a five-hour story.

I bet he was spitting those bugs out right before we got there.

Ew.

Like, oh, I got to sell some of these?

There you are, my pretty.

So

don't embarrass me in front of the kids.

What about you guys?

Do you have one?

You watch more reality.

I tend to like ones that are that have some sort of competitive thing, so in the competitive category a little more than just following people around with fake storylines.

Okay, insulted.

Other than The Bachelor is a fake, but that's kind of competitive right there.

So

I think an actual season of The Bachelor with celebrities would be fascinating.

Where it's real celebrities and they're literally looking for love or they're like, hey, look.

This is where we get into it.

Like when we, when we're envisioning these things, when you're saying celebrity,

you mean like real celebrities.

Yeah, like whoever they can be.

Not other bachelor contestants or whatever.

Celebrities from reality TV.

I'm saying like, hey, George Clooney is looking for love.

That's the first person I thought of, too.

Oh, that'd be fantastic.

But I also think I would like to see Bachelor with older people who've already maybe been married or they just are ready to actually be married.

I think that there would be an interesting bachelor season with like people who aren't football players or cheerleaders.

I would love to see a doctor who's 45 and

got dad bod.

Yeah.

And a small penis.

And he's an asshole.

And he beats his wife.

Soon to be.

I want to see this

I want to see just an out-and-out lunatic murderer on a dating show

I've always been curious how murderers caught

no I do think that that to watch a show as produced as well and with high enough stakes of just regular people who don't have to work out eight hours a day

would be interesting yeah I agree because they it leads to boring conversations yeah because they don't have any interest besides

weighting.

Waiting.

Way.

Protein.

Wayfair.

Whatever the fuck they drink.

Wayfair.

Did we answer that?

What?

Well, you two did.

Scott hasn't.

I mean, Paul.

Sorry, Paul.

Maybe I get a turn.

I was staring at Paul and said, Scott hasn't.

Go.

Go.

Your show would be, if I could make up a show that you would want to watch.

Okay.

It's babies riding dogs that are dressed up like men.

I mean,

yeah.

But that's almost like one of those YouTube channels of

like environmental.

What's the baby dressed up like?

Cowboys.

Cowboys.

Oh, wow.

Cowboys riding men.

Ideally to me, it would be like a fat baby in just like the diaper, but with a cowboy hat and boots.

Yeah.

Head spurs.

And the dog is dressed.

So like an elegant gentleman.

Yeah, the costume is good.

That's good.

Yeah, yeah.

And then they're strapped in.

And what do they do, though?

Like, what's the narrative?

I mean,

there isn't one.

It can be as simple as old enough or whatever.

Yeah, they run errands around the house.

I don't want to.

That's too much plot for you.

I think it's a race, but obviously it's just a meandering thing.

They have to get from one point.

There's no prize.

They're just like, this is a race.

Eventually, one of them crosses the finish line.

Right.

Yeah.

But it doesn't.

It's like where they go.

You follow them wherever they go.

Yeah.

But

I think it'd be interesting to follow a baby if you were like, you know how parents always protect a baby from leaving the house and barrier.

You know, it's like, okay, put a baby in the parents' house, leave all doors open, and then does the baby stay?

Does the baby leave?

Babies are always trying to protect their children.

Yeah, but you know what I mean?

Like,

what would happen if you said babies every

parents?

Babies protecting children.

What would happen if you left all your doors open?

Would a baby choose to stay there?

Or would a baby just take off?

Should I stay or should I go?

Danky, danky, danky.

You know what I want to say?

I don't think there's enough horror competitions of like people trying to scare people.

Live in a scary house.

I would love to see like...

What about that Stranger Kid

disease?

Stranger Kids.

I actually had a similar thought, but I didn't mention it.

But I would think if you had to stay in a haunted house where then they have things that are intentionally scaring you.

Like someone stepping out every once in a while and saying, boo.

Yeah.

Who can stay?

I would like to see Spend a Night in a Haunted House Challenge.

I would also like to see if it's like a haunted house creation competition.

Like, you know,

murdering people to make the house haunted.

Yes, filling a house with ghosts.

But, like, they have that Christmas light fight thing.

Oh, yeah.

That's a good idea.

That's a really good idea.

It's the scariest thing.

Oh, my God.

Somebody should make that.

And it should make it.

And I should make money from it.

You should go pitch it.

Yeah.

Guys, this is copyrighted, so don't steal my idea.

That is so true.

Wow.

That is a good idea.

Who do I partner up with?

Let's figure this out.

The Hollywood Hayride people?

Yeah.

This is brought to you who, by the genius mind,

I don't have to go on Shark Tank, do I?

It's HDS.

Yeah, you do.

And the Hayride people.

HPTV.

HGTV.

HPV TV?

We all have it.

IPS TV.

No matter what your cable baggage is.

International Piss Syndrome.

International.

Oh, I got this Piss Syndrome from France.

Boom.

International, how you say peace syndrome?

It's international peace syndrome.

All right, let's hear one more.

One more.

One more.

We'll see if it happens.

That was a single.

This is Ryan in Rashville, Tennessee.

I'm calling for your advice.

So, I recently bought an engagement ring for my girlfriend.

Fuck.

And so I was going to do I want to ask, but I'm starting to figure out exactly how I should ask.

I would love to know your advice on maybe some do's and don't

for proposals and also just your own experience, whether asking or being asked

how it went and if you could show

you about it or maybe you wouldn't.

But yeah, I would love your advice.

Thanks so much, guys.

That's nice.

Aw.

Well, she's going to know now that you've broadcasted yourself.

Obviously, she listens.

Everyone listens to the show.

I think the more sincere, the better.

Like, I'm not a huge fan of performative

marriage proposals.

I would see a few at restaurants I worked at and with people applauding, and I always felt it was obnoxious.

But

that's just me.

I think there are some people who might appreciate the doing it in front of like a bunch of people or family members.

But for me, I think the way you ask, the more sincere, the better.

Say what is on your own.

Couldn't disagree more.

Jumbotron.

Marry a Jumbotron is what you're saying.

Throw a ring in a Jumbotron.

You're married.

You're married.

I agree that I think that that

a sort of trap that people fall into is they feel like they have to make it special when it's already an extremely special thing.

Yeah, you can do some things to make it special, like going to a favorite restaurant or a nice location or whatever.

Exactly.

But I think the actual act itself, be honest, be open, be sincere.

I agree.

Be on guard.

I think sometimes over-planning can create a situation that is not comfortable for either person.

Yes.

Now, that said, if you are the type of people that like that kind of thing, then have it.

You know what I mean?

Some people do like that sort of stuff.

Yeah.

Like, for instance, Mike dressed up like a chess piece.

Yeah, and then asked me to move him.

And then each square would uncover a word.

Yeah.

It was over like a giant field.

Some of those ones that are like scavenger hunts, you know what's coming from the first thing, and then it's 10.

Yeah, I don't know.

That seems like a lot of effort.

But I remember he allowed you to choose the move.

So you ended up spelling out

will me you marry yeah and i was like huh yeah

the

you know what i won't speak about our proposal but it was perfect and it wasn't what you think right what do you what do i think

what do you think i think wait you um he never actually asked you to marry you think i thought i was gonna say what i what do you think i think is that it tells you what the opposite is okay oh so it's the direct opposite Was it on Earth?

No, Boo's on Mars.

It was fucking out of this world.

It was amazing.

I once, and apologies if this person is still listening and listening to this, but I once had at a live comedy bang bang show, someone

got a message to me backstage saying, I want to ask,

I want you to ask my girlfriend to marry me for you.

And I refused to do it.

I was like,

you really should just do this more.

I've had people who wanted to do that in character.

Yeah.

And it's like, you don't want that.

No,

I think this is something that will be special to both of you.

And the person, it has to be able to process what's happening.

I think that's like.

No, I disagree with that.

I think if it can be, if it's not going to be because they have so many things happening like that, like there's someone else asking as a character, you're going, wait, what?

Or like if you do it, if you like surprise them too much with like

a lot of people around, like they can't do that.

I think the a lot of people around.

And what if they marry the other person?

Right.

The a lot of people around thing, to me, sometimes it's like a hedging of a bed of like, well, you can't say no because there's all these people around.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Which is

which is like people feel uncomfortable.

They can't.

They can't.

They can't and they won't.

So I don't.

And they don't and they shouldn't.

But if you are, if, if, if you know the person wants you to do this and is waiting for it and

you know that it's good or whatever and you both love big spectacles, maybe it's okay.

I, but I've just never seen it.

Yeah, but I feel like if you're calling asking how to do it, you probably know that it's not going to be a, you probably know that you're not going to do a big, crazy thing because you probably would have an idea of what that should be given your history to you.

Yeah, right.

Sometimes you don't necessarily even have to go to the original thing of like where you met or, or anything special, but sometimes that's a nice thing of like, oh, look at where we are.

I had no idea.

Mine, I didn't really plan anything more than the location.

That was all I had.

Location, location, location.

Yeah.

And we were in real estate.

But that was it.

I didn't, I didn't know what I was going to say.

I knew like the very first thing I was going to say.

Right.

And that was

very similar to me.

And then I was just kind of, I felt like I was just rambling in.

Because it's such a nerve-wracking.

Like, once you actually start doing it, it's like overwhelming with emotion.

So you don't want to feel like you have to say a script.

Like, just speak from the heart of it.

I talked about this in my stand-up.

Janie famously interrupted me during my proposal.

Right.

Well, I think maybe

I may have told this too, but Kulop,

we were at dinner.

I was planning on doing it right after dinner.

And at dinner, she's like, are you ever fucking going to ask me to like she started complaining about it, going like, I mean, it's been 10 years.

What is going on with you?

Why aren't you?

And I have this like ring in my pocket.

And I was just like, I'm just not ready.

And the other one is a peace on it.

Yeah, of course.

And then, and then, when it actually happened, the first thing, she burst into tears and said, I'm an asshole.

I'm sorry.

It's a beautiful story.

It was.

It was very funny.

My friend went to somebody.

I had that stairs to see my girlfriend at her apartment because they were long distance.

And then she opened the door and he like, kind of wanted.

And she was like, yes.

And he was like, didn't even get to say it.

Like, is it possible?

It's possible you won't even get to.

Yeah, you may have to.

That's true.

That's true.

But I think if you're simple and you're just speaking.

Stupid.

Keep it simple, stupid.

Kiss.

Kiss.

Just keep it simple, shithead.

Just kidding.

She'll understand.

You're my common law wife now.

Well, we hope that helped.

And if it didn't, fuck you.

Yes.

Well, preemptively, fuck you.

Well, look, we're running out of time.

I don't think we have time for a three-trip because we took calls.

What do you think, Kevin?

No, we don't have time.

Oh,

we want to do it.

We want to show that, but Shevin spent us.

Yeah, he says no.

No.

Now he's turning the lights off and on to make us be quiet.

He's like, you don't have to leave, but you can't stay here.

Well, that was 3dom, I guess.

That was 3dom.

That was great.

That was a good episode.

I like those calls.

I like those calls too.

That's the kind of call we have.

See, that's how it can be, you guys.

Do you guys just like fuck it?

That's how beautiful it can be if you come to your senses.

Oh, my God.

Well, please check us out ThreedomUSA on Twitter and Instagram.

I've never heard you say that before.

I know.

I never wanted it.

I know what it is.

Threedomusa at gmail.com.

And of course,

haha, let me pew.

Nothing's ever been easier.

You can hear the archives of this show as well as ad-free episodes on both Stitcher Premium and at CBBWorld.com.

You can also go jump in a fucking lake for all we care.

Or a lock if you're in Scotland.

Because we care about each other, not you.

Would the three of us care about the three of us?

The end.

Bye.

Bye.

Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.

We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.

So this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.

Uncared for season three from Lemonada Media.

Available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's Lena Waith.

Legacy Talk is my love letter to black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us.

This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Belicia Rashad, Loretta Devine, Ava Duvernay, and more.

We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day.

Come be a part of the conversation.

Season 2 drops July 29th.

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