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There is a bug in here.

Do you know?

Oh my god, you're big listeners.

There's a bug.

Yes, that's right.

I thought you swept this place.

Why aren't you talking about the plan?

The plan?

Everyone is a plan, boss.

The plan.

Hey, boss, there's a bug in here.

Boss, boss, boss.

We're not saying nonsense until she puts her phone down.

This is how I'm engaged while I'm in the middle.

I'm going to bring it out into my Do Not Disturb for y'all.

I'll put it in my purse.

What?

Unless I have to Google.

You'll put it in your puss?

I'll put it in my puss unless I have to Google.

No one thought that, except no one thought that you felt that.

But I said it because I thought it.

Well, I guess

I'm embarrassed to say that.

I turned it up.

I'm embarrassed.

Whoa.

I'm embarrassed to say that we all sang that at my high school graduation.

You should be embarrassed.

I admire it.

We sang

like spontaneously it broke out and all of the graduates.

How could you not?

Of course you do.

I'm not saying we choreographed.

No, but I'm saying if somebody starts it, of course everyone is going to join.

I mean, I joined

help, but even though you were being flame running.

Can I tell you, and I know you started to say,

you are being wood-fired.

I'm being flammated.

Let's shut the door.

I feel.

Yeah, let's shut that door.

Go for sound.

Vacuum packed.

It's funny it wasn't open a second ago.

I guess there's a ghost.

There's a ghost in here.

What if it's just a big fly?

Pardon me.

A fly leaning against the door going,

that's so gross.

God, what a fly is.

They have this fly killer that's like a tennis racket that electrocutes them.

Yes.

Which makes you feel like you're getting exercise while killing somebody.

It's really

fun.

But every once in a while, and I don't think flies deserve life.

I don't feel bad doing that.

But every once in a while, I feel like.

Mosquitoes definitely don't.

Well, it's kind of insane when you kill a fly with this thing and then it doesn't immediately die and it goes like it starts to like smoke up and then you have to eat it.

What?

You have to.

Because it just smells so delicious.

It's been cooked.

Well, it's meat.

Yeah, it's way.

Now it's a waste to throw it away.

It's just protein.

It's just protein.

Just eat it, idiot.

Eat its eyes.

Speaking of non-eyes and goodbye,

when do you remember that TV show Best Week Ever that I hosted briefly?

I remember

every day.

When I hosted it, it lasted for a year, and then it was very obvious that the show was not coming back, even though they wouldn't wouldn't say that it was canceled i hate that they would just avert their your gaze anytime you ever talk to them and so i wanted we had in the script the cameras would just turn off spontaneously

and be like we're out of here spontaneous turn off

keep talking um i had in the script that i would the last thing that i would say right down the barrel of the camera was see you in hell

and then the fucking this producer that we had was like, no, you can't say that.

And it was clearly because he was still going to work there.

And he was worried it was somehow going to work.

because he was religious i won't be there he yeah he was like i'll be in heaven you don't understand this is not

going to heaven so why are you telling a lie which is a sin exactly um speaking of which sins hurt yes indeed hurt scott on uh a good christian fun podcast oh yeah i did that that was uh really fun i i just met the the two hosts uh uh when they were on my other show

talking about uh passion of the christ and so i was on their show and it was a good conversation i felt like talking all that really that's a fun show i've done that show.

I have two.

Yeah, I've done that.

I was the last.

They said I completed the Threedom Trifecta.

That's great.

Being on it.

And I was like, you could have asked me five years ago.

I would have been on it.

Would you like

to be waiting?

I don't give a shit.

I remember five years ago you were like, I'm not doing any podcasts that aren't all about me.

Yeah.

Well, then I finally was like, okay, me and or Jesus.

That's a good concession.

It's decent.

Yeah.

Did you learn anything new about me?

Deez nutsons.

I feel like I did and I meant to talk about it today and then I forgot.

Oh, okay.

You forgot what you learned or forgot to talk about it today.

I forgot what I learned.

I'm talking right now about it.

Okay.

So that covers the light.

I feel like you weren't talking about it.

It's a job half done.

That's perfect.

Yeah.

Perfect.

That's absolutely perfect.

It's absolutely perfect.

So what did you say instead of see you in hell?

Bye.

I honestly can't remember.

And that's the end of our season.

Maybe we'll be back for more.

I can't wait till they reboot the show without me.

Did they?

Which they did, and then that didn't last either.

Oh, did yours last longer?

No, I don't think so.

I think they last at the same time.

Who was on that?

I don't know.

It was a bunch of new comedians that I was not familiar with.

I never saw it.

I never saw it.

Too painful.

Yeah.

Can't go back there.

Couldn't do it.

No, no, no.

Whoever's hosting Know You Shut Up Now, I don't watch that either.

No.

What if they rebooted that?

I would just go.

They scrubbed that from the internet.

They're like, there's no videos on it.

Is there no, you can't even see it anymore?

Things are completely scrubbed.

I'm like, I'm a little confused by that because there are things that I think should be scrubbed that aren't.

Yeah, sure.

And then they'll just get rid of some show that was like whatever and they're just like erasing.

It's weird when

Netflix scrubs one of their own shows that only is on Netflix.

Like, why not just have it on there forever?

Like, who cares?

It's bandwidth, maybe.

Well, and the idea that it might gain an audience later, like a show you didn't perform well enough at the time.

These are things I'll never be able to find out.

The Spotify algorithm has made the most popular pavement song this weird B-side, I think, like that.

And there was an article about it.

I don't recall why that particular song became the most popular pavement song, but now they play it in concert and everyone's like, yeah, because everyone's heard that song.

It's so weird.

The algorithm did this.

The algorithm.

See, we need to be afraid.

We do.

Is the algorithm just listening itself?

Constantly afraid.

We need to be afraid all the time.

I want your heart rate rising at all times.

Even in sleep.

Yeah, more in sleep because you can't control what's going on.

Guy's been having the worst sleep lately.

Really?

Waking up all the time.

And what do you do?

It's the worst.

I fall back to sleep pretty quickly.

Okay, good.

But it's like several times during the night.

I just wake up and then I like turn over and then I fall back to sleep.

You're like, oh, okay, I feel this bad.

I'm here.

I'm here in my bed.

I'm floating in space.

The other day when we were in Vegas, I took a nap and Jamie was.

Stays there, stays there, Paul.

Yeah, it's so personal.

I'm breaking the code.

I'm breaking the code.

Taking a nap because my sleep was so bad.

Is it immediately after we recorded the episode?

Probably not long after.

Naps can be the best.

I used to be anti-nap, and now I'm pro-nap.

Why would anyone be anti-nap?

I just didn't ever like take a nap.

I always felt kind of sick when I woke up like a snake.

I me too.

I had that for the longest time.

But now I feel great.

It's the timing of it and making sure that you get the right amount.

Well, I took a two and a half hour one yesterday.

Oh,

that was because I had to wake up super early.

They say 20 is perfect, but I'm more of a 45-minute guy.

Yeah.

But there are times where I'm just sitting there and I'm like, I start feeling dizzy and tingly, and I'm like, it's time to nap.

And then it just like when you give in, it's so great.

When you, yeah, I try to relent.

When you try to resent, let God.

Yeah, I never napped really until recently, like the last few years.

So I've wondered why you look so tired until just this last year.

I know.

I know.

And everything changed.

You looked exhausted until very recently.

It was every time either of us talked.

Someone suddenly looks exhausted.

Hey, did you take micronaps while we're talking?

Azee came out of my eyes.

Aziz.

Came out of my eyes.

Aziz.

Hey, man.

I'm in your eyes, man.

I don't even know why I just thought that raised the mask.

Z's come out of your eyes.

Do you think when you're reading a cartoon, the Z's are coming out of the eyes?

You think when you're reading a cartoon.

You think when you're reading a cartoon.

Do I read cartoons?

Now, let me get this straight.

You think when you're reading a cartoon.

Do you think cartoons are not read?

They're scamming.

Enjoyed.

It sounds weird to say reading a cartoon.

It does.

It's wrong.

Okay.

What is right?

Watch them.

I want to.

Well, also, what is love?

Maybe don't hurt me.

Wait, so I'm taking a nap, right?

Janie's in the bed next to me.

She's reading a book.

She won't take a nap in solidarity with you?

She said she was going to.

And then she slips off and read a book.

I woke up, and I think in the split second

between sleep and awake, I forgot that she was in the bed next to me.

And I screamed.

I did kind of scream.

I went,

I like, I like bolted upright.

It was, yeah.

And I was like, why did that?

It took me a while to figure out what happened.

Yeah.

Like, why did I do that?

Yeah.

It's weird when you like hear yourself do something when you're asleep.

Yes.

I told you about the plane one that I was on where I screamed on the plane when I woke up.

I don't think so.

I think you okay.

I apologize to anyone if I'm repeating this, but basically, I don't.

I fell asleep with my iPod on.

Your iPod open?

Yeah.

With my iPods.

Keep one iPod open

and the other iPod in your pocket.

Don't you kind of miss iPods?

You still use yours?

Well, they now, iPods used to have more storage than phones, but now phones have more storage than iPods and they discontinue.

iPods used to have more storage than phones, but now phones

are big hits.

I have a idea of an iPod where that's what plays my music and my, because it's like we're using the phone for so many things.

I don't really care, but I'm just consolidating it on too.

So I like it being on the phone.

The new phone that just came out now, it has so much storage.

I'm like, this is great but you know what i'm i would sort of like

and i guess i could just use like an ipad for this but like i would sort of like to have a spotify device oh a whole device just for spotify like an ip why don't you just buy a second phone

i you know what i liked about the ipod i really enjoyed the clicks on the wheel yeah that's the problem that's the problem with

you're trying to drive and you reach down to fast forward a song but you have to look down now to press the right button because there's no click or there's no like tactile thing yeah but but actually, and I think we have talked about this, but I know exactly where my thumb goes on the fucking phone because I'm on it all goddamn day.

Because it's depressed into the glass.

Speaking of depressed, I'm on my phone all day.

Anyway, so I'm on the plane and I go to sleep with my iPod on, and a song with a super slow fade-out occurs, and I just drift into the deepest slumber.

And then

a really fast song starts after that song, and it scares me awake where I don't know what's happening.

And then I see two people next to me.

And I guess, as part of my dream, I thought they were people.

I thought I was in my house.

There were people in my house looking at me on the bed or something.

Get out.

And I went,

which would be a great tactic for the people who break into your home.

And everyone on the plane looked at me, including the two people next to me.

And I went, I apologize.

I was having a weird dream, and I thought I didn't know what was happening.

And they just were like, glared at me.

You know,

I was so frightened.

I was

so frightened because it was one of those things where I'm like, oh, I'm in my bed and I wake up and two, I felt like I was in like a science fiction show or something where two people looking at me.

It's very scary.

You're in a human zoo.

Yeah.

I love to sleep on the plane, but I think that there's something very vulnerable about it when you're sleeping on the plane.

It's like,

you don't know what you're doing.

You don't know.

I could be saying something.

I I could be moving weirdly or going like drooling and like, you know.

Yeah.

And anyone can see it.

And everyone sees.

Everyone turns and looks.

You're talking about farting.

Everyone.

You're talking about farting.

The people that can see you.

I can farting it across my mind, but yeah, for sure.

What's funny is there's very few people that can see you on the plane.

It's true, but in certain areas of the plane, such as first class, there's people who come in.

I've never been, so I don't know.

No,

right.

I hate when I'm in first class.

I fall asleep immediately.

And then everyone in the loser parade who goes

on planes now, they shut down them going into our bathroom.

That is such a fucked up thing.

You're not allowed to use just any bathroom.

It's fucking crazy.

Let people use the bathroom.

Scott and I are silent.

And by the way, for all you people out there who want to be upset about that, we are.

Look, people are upset when they listen.

for work purposes.

They have to.

They literally have to.

I be able to because you demand it and it's in your contract.

No, SAG says that.

I'm saying from either side of it.

Oh, yeah.

Because I've been in the situation where I definitely flown Coach 5 brilliant.

I'm a coach, and both of the bathrooms are full, and it's like, can I please just go in?

It is crazy when you have to wait

and you're in.

You want to go in the front.

Yeah.

You want to go in the front?

You want to go in the front?

Hey, party in the front.

Coach in the back.

You're going in the front.

Come on, go in the back.

Party in the front.

I will remember that when we flew to the back of the back.

Coach Craig T.

Nelson in the back.

We flew to Australia and you had a first-class seat, which you're entitled to.

Well, I paid for it.

Yeah.

I mean, that's why you're entitled.

Yeah.

And I was in the absolute last row of the plane, which was fine, but it was, I literally didn't stand up for 19 hours.

I like got into a ball next to somebody.

Well, you can sleep really easily on planes, you were saying.

That is true.

I just curled up into a ball and I just fell asleep for as long as possible.

Do you feel so vulnerable because you're curled up in a ball like a potato bug?

Yeah.

And then

someone might think you're a potato bug.

They'll just fuck me right at the seat.

When we went to Italy, I was in coach, and it was just like trying to sleep

in Italy, I believe you mean.

Yes, Italy.

I'm sorry.

Mario Batali's Italy.

Yeah.

It's like a country in a way.

It's very, it's, you know, those seats are horrible.

They're not good, and it's not easy to sleep.

It's mean.

And it just ruins.

The whole first day that you're in another country.

Yeah, I have to have my neck pillow and I have to, like, but I debate whether I prefer window or aisle because window I can curl up and just go into the wind, into the window.

Yes, I've always preferred aisle, but, but now if you have to sleep on a plane,

you can't do it without a window.

No, because then people are going to step over you and they wake you up.

I would rather be woken up than wake somebody else up.

So I'm aisle all the way.

Yeah.

You would rather be woken up than wake up.

I'd rather move for someone else than have to ask somebody to move for me.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't really, I guess I feel the same about either option.

I feel bad

so I don't like, I can't decide.

Well, there's no, either way, it sucks.

Yeah.

So it's which side of the suck do you want to be on?

Flying is just bad all around.

Do you remember the first time you ever took a plane?

Ever rode on a plane, I guess?

No.

Yes.

I mean, I guess maybe.

Mine wants to hear to visit my sister who lived in Redondo Beaches to here today.

I flew here for the first time.

I was like, well, I got to try it.

So I went to Burbank.

And I said, drop me off at LAX.

I'm trying to think.

That's why Burbank's the greatest airport.

You can ask for like custom destinations there.

Just anywhere.

Just give me a pod down to.

But okay, so you came out here to visit your sister?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was my first time on a plane.

What was your sister doing here?

She was pursuing the arts at the time.

Which arts?

The black arts.

The entertainment arts.

Oh,

two towns.

Not the dark kills in the town.

Not potions.

Two in the town.

Two Tonkins in the town.

Oh,

two T's in the D.

On that trip, I saw the band

Billy, Vera, and Peters in person.

Yes, he did.

But if I told you this moment, what would you give if I told you this moment?

Would you give me a penny?

Maybe a day penny will do.

If you haven't got a penny,

fuck you.

That's how we do it in America.

Yeah.

That was vaguely familiar with not having a hay penny.

Where did you see them?

I can't remember the name of the venue.

Oh, okay, maybe.

I can't remember the name of the venue.

It might not be here anymore, but it might be Landmark.

Who knows?

And so, and what year was that?

It was your first plane.

1984.

It was an Olympic year.

I also went to the Groundlings to see a show with Phil Hartman.

Wow.

He did a chickhazard mystery.

He did tell us about that.

Yes.

That's very cool.

I saw, and I'm sure I told you, I saw a stand-up show at the Improv, which included Arsinio Hall.

Wow.

Wait, so how old were you?

Overton.

I was a

Safo Morrison.

When I was 17,

you took a trip to London.

I visited my sister in Redondo Beach.

Your first flight was you were a teen.

I was a teen.

That's

pretty.

I was a teen.

Really?

I was a sluggish teen.

13, I believe.

I flew to New York.

This was the one vacation that I took as a child.

Which teen?

Third?

Yep, third.

We went to New York and then traveled all around

from Maine down to Virginia, Washington, D.C., all that kind of stuff.

Yeah.

Saw a whole bunch of people.

What about Philadelphia, Atlanta, LA?

We went to Philly, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah,

as I recall.

But yeah, I remember they, it was night, so it was 1983, and they showed my favorite year on the

with the projector and the screen.

They like erected the whole screen.

I forgot about that.

And everyone's smoking on the plane and all that kind of stuff.

Everyone.

People who didn't want to.

Yeah.

Well, everyone was.

They ate cigarettes in your mouth as you boarded.

But they were, even if they weren't.

You know what I mean?

Exactly.

It sure does.

Do you know, I can't believe the number of people that...

It's very strange to me because when I stopped smoking, I never looked back.

Like, I never had a craving for it again.

I never desired it again.

And knowing people, I feel like I meet more people who are like, I miss it.

I wish I could smoke again.

Oh, I think most people miss it.

It's so wild.

I can't get my head around that.

Yeah, well, it's good that you have that research.

Yes, because when I was ready to quit smoking, it was just, it had become disgusting to me and I was still doing it.

Yeah.

I was like, I don't want to do this anymore.

Yeah.

One of those things I'm glad I never took up.

Same.

That's the one thing I would change.

And you're the only thing you would change.

Everything else is like, hey, that's the fucking school of hard knocks.

You know what I mean?

You make your dumb mistakes.

But smoking is like the amount of money and health issues and whatever that I wasted on that dumb thing.

I wish I'd never done it.

Do you think?

Do you?

Well, no, I'm not going to have that.

I think.

Yeah.

You are then.

I can't.

Therefore.

Oh, by the way.

Oh, tell us, Paul.

By the way.

Is this, oh, by the way, with Paul F.

Tompkins?

Is this about how you are?

Oh, by the way, I'm great.

After we recorded last week.

In Las Vegas, you were in Las Vegas.

Then what?

I did.

Oh, I did go to the roulette table.

I did put down $100 and I did bet it on black.

Wow.

And I did land on green.

Green.

When you Texas.

And that's one of the more rare ones.

Yeah.

What is green?

Green is the double zero, baby.

Oh, it's a double zero.

Yeah, never bet on green.

Yeah.

That's like the most unlucky.

It honestly felt like...

It honestly felt like, oh, this is just rigged.

Just someone's fucking with me.

Like, this guy, he wants to get rid of me.

Right.

He took one look at you.

Like, let's drive this guy out of the casino.

I think black and red is is 50-50, but it's really not.

It's really not.

What is it?

48, 48, 2 or something?

How many?

Because aren't there like two double-zero spots?

That's why I said 48, 42.

I thought it was just.

I thought it was 49.49, too.

Will you please stop saying numbers?

40.

That's why I said 48, 48, 49.

Definitely 46.

Time for Woppner.

Definitely Rainman.

If he said that.

I'm definitely Rainman.

Yeah, I'm definitely Rainman.

Yeah, definitely Rainman.

But he wasn't Rainman.

Was the the other guy Rainman?

Tom Cruise was Rainman.

I saw it opening night and don't remember anything else about it.

Because his name was Raymond.

Oh, and Rainman couldn't say it.

Yeah, you're definitely Rainman.

I'm changing it.

You're definitely Rainman.

This is a Frankenstein situation.

We have to.

Yeah.

It's a Frankenstein situation.

Everyone thinks that Dustin Hoffman is the titular Rainman.

Your delivery of that reminded me of

an ex-girlfriend of mine.

Oh, thank you.

Once, once.

Do you look just like her?

you pussy.

You DP look like Scott in a wig.

Sorry to share.

She was the most beautiful woman.

That's why I've been so drawn to you all these years.

She met Albert Brooks at this some like fancy event or something.

And she said, oh, I actually

I saw your brother recently.

And Albert Brooks said, was he wearing a uniform?

I agree.

Because his brother was Super Dave Osborne.

Super Dave Osborne.

Was he wearing a uniform?

Thank you.

Super Dave Osborne and the guy from.

I'm going to try to find you.

The guy from

Kerb?

Is this broken?

Yes, exactly.

He was.

Yeah, he's passed away.

Yeah.

And he was on Bang Bang.

Oh.

And an interesting guy.

Oh,

I remember this from your appearance on that podcast, that your mom was a fan of the Bang Bang TV show.

Oh, yes.

She takes it.

That's wonderful.

Every episode.

Well, did that necessarily come up on this podcast?

No, on the Girls Day.

No, I know I'm saying, how have we never discuss those.

Scott just likes to focus on the negative.

Yeah, I guess.

No.

You're all about them

riding blindly into cars.

They hated Mr.

Show, but they.

Oh, but they liked that one.

What are you shaking in your hand there, buddy?

Hello, water cap.

What were the names of those off-bread sneakers?

Chewies?

What were they called?

Sharkies.

Jaws.

Jaws and Sharkies.

Jaws was the male version.

My feet were narrow, so I had to buy Sharkies.

Everyone knew.

Everyone knew.

But they looked the same, didn't they?

Yeah, but they had a slightly different picture.

And everyone pointed at my feet and said, those are girl shoes.

You're a girl.

Well, cool.

Yeah, it is cool.

Sounds good to me.

Absolutely.

Sounds good to me, man.

Yeah, dude.

It rocks up in here.

Lauren, when you were little, were you enamored of the Olson twins?

Like when you would see What's Her Name on Full House going like, okay, dude.

Were you like, this is

into my 30s?

You know, I don't recall if I was,

you know, at the time going like, oh, she's so cute.

I just loved the show.

Yeah.

I loved all the characters.

Did you want to live

in San Francisco?

I would have been happy to live in the house that they lived in.

It was a huge, beautiful house.

Would it have been like, did it ever make you say, oh, I want to move to Sanford because it was set in San Francisco, wasn't it?

I, you know,

often wondered what that would be like.

But they didn't really show much San Francisco ever in that show.

They went to Disney World.

That was the only real time they ever went.

And that wasn't San Francisco, obviously.

So they never showed, you know,

in the opening.

In the opening credits, they show the hill.

Right.

That everyone died on.

They never go to Abbott Kimmy.

But I did once walk over to the Full House house.

I know.

That's in Venice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When I was visiting.

Yeah, you're thinking of Hayes.

They never went to the Empire State Building.

What is it called?

They never went to...

Haid Ashbury.

That's what I was doing.

That's what I was thinking.

The Glendale Gallery.

That's what I was thinking of.

Yeah.

It's basically the same.

Same thing.

Yeah.

I did go see the house, the full house house, when I was in San Francisco once more.

And it was a bit of a hike.

And when I got there, a lot of people were taking photos and

it was really fun to see it, honestly.

They painted the door a different color.

And I was like, you know what?

Here's how I feel.

Yeah.

If you buy a house that is a famous iconic house, keep it the same.

Keep it the same.

They're going to take pictures anyway.

It's just disappointing to see it different.

Then they have to Photoshop their pictures.

Yeah, like the Home Alone house is in Wilmette, not far away from

where I grew up.

And the Father of the Bride one is around.

And I went to that, which I loved.

And the Pee-Wee house, which it's looking pretty rough, I would say.

But I think they were famous for it.

Maybe we should buy it.

Yeah.

You should buy it and live there.

The Brady Bunch house they renovated for a TV show.

Yeah.

They did like a remodel show.

I don't know.

Yeah.

I thought that's such a fun idea.

All the actors came back to be a part of it and stuff.

Angling for their own shows.

Yeah.

Wait, all the Brady Bunch kids?

Yeah, the Brady Bunch kids did.

And so they renovated the house, and then they showed the

maybe only five.

I can't believe it.

Yeah, I don't think so.

But they renovated it to look like the actual house from the show because inside of it wasn't a lot of people.

But then inside the actors,

who lives there?

Like, what do you do with that?

Well, they were going to

do it as an expensive Airbnb or something.

They should.

I would totally stay there.

Where, like, you could stay.

Yeah.

That would be so fun.

Let's all stay there.

That would be hilarious.

We'd stay there for one night and record shows.

And if we see a ghost.

What if one of the rules?

The ghost of the architect.

Robert Reed?

Yeah.

The ghost of the architect.

So, like, not Robert Reid who built the house.

But the character.

The ghost of the character?

Oh, I thought it was the guy who built the house that we'd be sitting.

No, he was an architect.

That's a good idea.

I know.

Did he ever talk about building his own house?

Or was he just like, yeah, I bought this, but I'm an architect?

Or would he only do high-rises?

I don't think we saw his blueprints very often.

We saw them once.

Once?

I think they went to Disney, right?

Well, even

Disney.

Everyone goes to Disney.

I just had a full house went to Disney.

They always go there.

They always go there.

Or Hawaii.

They used to go in the middle of the day.

Well, pretty much went to Hawaii, and that's where they had that growing in the

token or totem that was bad luck.

He was surfing.

Yeah.

So when you were growing up, I want to get back to an earlier question.

When you were growing up in Chicago.

Can you please throw that cash away?

Except you.

Acceptable.

When you were growing up in Chicago,

was there any TV show where you were like, that's where I want to live?

Or was it all just Los Angeles because there was show business there?

No, I always wanted to live in New York.

And then any show that was in New York, I thought was really cool, like friends.

Do you know what?

I never thought about living someplace else where I was in the world.

Oh, I always wanted to live in New York.

But mostly when I was in high school, that's when it really solidified that I was like, I got to be with the brother.

It's in the big city.

I think I was too cowardly to imagine ever moving.

Out of Philadelphia?

Yeah.

And did that trip to Redondo make you go like, oh, I could see LA being a viable choice?

No, it didn't.

Really?

You were like,

cowardly to imagine it, and yet you do.

You're like Billy Vera is everywhere.

There were Olympic athletes everywhere.

Oh, eventually I did.

Well, eventually I had to put away childish things.

And I was like, man.

But I was scared when I moved here.

It was like, I never,

I, I,

to, to do something that huge and not have any conception of what it was like.

Oh, what it's like.

Yeah, I was lucky enough.

I grew up in Orange County, so I knew where, you know, the universal amphitheater was.

Chinese.

You basically are from, I wouldn't say I'm not from L.A., but you are close enough that you would have been there.

Yes, but it still seemed

a whole different world.

But because

I remember my roommate was a friend of mine from down in Orange County, and he moved to the Valley, and he was like, Yeah, I'm moving to LA.

Of death.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

He was like, I'm moving to LA.

I'm like, oh, cool.

And I couldn't even conceptualize where one would move to in LA.

And he's like, I'm in the valley.

And I was like, what's that?

Really?

I didn't even know the distinction.

Okay, well, then it's a whole new world.

I feel like when I would picture New York in high school, before I, I mean, I'd been there on a family trip, but when I'd picture living there, I would just picture Times Square.

It's like I couldn't think of like where what an apartment would be.

Or like NYU or something.

Yeah, no.

But my friend went to NYU, and then I went to visit her when I was a senior.

She was two years older than me.

She was 79?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that was really fun because then she, I got to see what her life was like.

Oh, what was it like?

It was just so fun.

She was living in the dorm and it was like

the Statue of Liberty.

It was so cool.

Like, you know, all her friends, like going out at night for, you know, street food and like just being out and about, having fun.

They were street fighters,

street fighter twos, pulling people's spines out.

Yeah.

Finishing him, et cetera.

Etc.

So then that was a great trip.

And I was so happy my mom let me go do that because I got to fly by myself and go.

See, when I came here when I was a teenager, I still had that

just irrational

dislike of California that people that anywhere but have.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know people like, I mean, I remember that as well.

Like growing up, I feel like LA had so many stereotypes about it that were negative that I never really thought about it.

Do you think everyone talked like this dude?

Yeah, that everyone was like, where's the beach?

Like the Californians.

Man?

Yeah.

Sounds like we're British people doing English with American accents.

The Californians.

Let's go to the Hollywood.

The Pool of Road Yorin.

Even after I lived here.

That's your way in.

Yeah.

The Pool of Road Yorin.

I saw two things.

The Real World season six, I think, when they were in Seattle that made me go, like, oh, man, Seattle would be cool to live in.

And it was before I'd ever been.

Then I went to Seattle.

Real World made it look cool.

they were right there on the pier yeah it was it was really cool and then i went to the piers and everything i'm like oh okay which season was that that was irene and david where the

babies no no they they just did a reunion did you watch a reality recap yeah i did not stephen who slapped her i watched steven sorry steven slapped yeah david's actually kind of cool now although it was really reality recap yeah have you seen the paramount plus series where they get those casts together okay the the new orleans one is supposed to be really good i have not watched it yet i've watched it it's good.

There's one

cast member that makes me very uncomfortable because she seems to be going to say something else.

Having some sort of mental illness crisis.

Oh, dear.

No.

Oh, dear.

So she's definitely stopped being polite.

Yes.

But it is very good.

Yeah, I watched it.

I introduced the first season with New York, and I really was enjoying it.

Yeah, that one was very fascinating.

Season two made me depressed because it was the LA cast, and everyone was having the exact same arguments that they had 25 years ago and I was like, do people ever change?

And

even in this new New Orleans one, it's kind of like the super religious guy is still super religious.

But don't you sort of think that because they were on that show together, which like really was a big thing.

I'm very confused as to whether this is a new cast.

No, it's the old cast in the 90s.

Reunited.

Brought back into the same house or whatever.

God.

If they can get the same house.

Yeah, but the same idea.

And so we don't know if they can get the same house.

Not every single day.

In season two, they couldn't get every place was gone.

Okay.

So they got a similar person.

Don't you feel like, because I think this is, rather than saying they don't change, I feel like if they were on a show together and the personalities clashed in whatever way and it was on TV and that was before there was a lot of reality TV and this was a huge show that everyone saw.

And so you're talking about that for the rest of your life.

Yes.

I'd probably hold on to a lot of those things and go like, oh, there's this fucking guy again.

Because for the last 30 years, I've been hearing about how I didn't say the right thing when you you did the thing i guess i would say the the my point i think with how people don't change is like they get that out of the way kind of early where everyone like hashes out their issues of what happened on the show then they either forgive each other or whatever i'm saying after that point they then just start repeating their actions from the old season from the old season where they have the exact same arguments that they had in the old season the exact same way that is weird and the people fly off the handle in the exact same way they used to and no one seems to have matured i think it's different for this new new New Orleans season where people have like grown.

There's a new New Orleans,

yeah.

I gotta go to New Orleans.

I gotta go.

No, not there's not a new cast.

He's saying a new, I'm saying there's a new city.

Oh, God.

Oh, hey, De Boyd.

He's clowning around.

Yeah, we gotta take a break.

I was like, just realizing we were talking about the colours.

Yeah, all right.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

It's back to school season!

School season, little boys and girls.

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Cooler temps are rolling in.

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And as always, Quince is where I'm turning for fall staples that actually last from cashmere to denim to boots.

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And we're back.

Oh, no.

What are you typing, Lauren?

Lauren has phone.

Lauren has phone.

You can keep talking, guys.

Do you have phone, honey?

Honey, do you have phone now?

What's wrong?

You haven't even not touched your phone.

Hurry before your phone gets cold.

Oh my God.

Okay, I'm here.

I've only seen season one of The Real World and then that season with Come on me, my baby.

Maybe even to

that's the New Orleans one.

Yeah.

That's the New Orleans one.

Yeah.

And they're back.

New Orleans?

That was New Orleans.

That's season eight, I believe.

I don't remember any aspect of New Orleans or any, or whatever city it was.

I don't remember any aspect of it.

There's a spiky-haired, super-religious Christian who is still looks

has not aged at all.

The super religious Christian I remember from that season was a blonde blonde girl.

Yes, the Mormon, gentlemen.

But she did not have spiky hair.

No,

the gentleman has spiky, like bleach blonde hair.

There were two

religios?

Yeah.

He's too many.

I don't remember him.

I was going to let them talk to each other.

Yeah, he's still.

I only remember her and David.

He's still very religious.

And in fact, when pressed about, so do you think that gay people

are

human beings?

Human beings, he's like, this interview is over.

So.

Wow.

Not even like a prepared answer.

Why are people going to be able to do that?

This interview is over.

People are really bad people.

It's nuts.

The Mormon girl is no longer Mormon, but she's the one that I fear for her.

Oh, no.

She needed the guiding

head of religion.

John Smith.

Is that his name though?

What's his name?

Joseph Smith.

Joseph, that's right.

Look in your hat.

Look in your hat.

Yeah, you looked in his hat.

I thought you were doing Miller's Crossing Love with an accent.

It's like I'm doing a parody of that.

I see.

Oh, it's always good when we explain our jokes to you.

He would have his peep stones in his hand.

He would have his

peepstones.

Explain peepstones to us.

What did you try to say?

The infinity stones?

Is that what I tried to say?

Peepstones?

Peep stones.

What are peeps?

I don't know this story.

Tell me about it.

Okay, I have Mormon relics.

Oh, I know about Infinity Stones.

I have Mormon blood.

What do you want to be called about that?

That beautiful, beautiful glove.

Have you watched the last one yet or not?

Yeah,

what is it?

Infinity War?

Yep.

Yes.

I just watched it last night.

I will not be speaking on this matter.

What's really funny is that.

All questions should be directed to newcomers.

When you see

the replica of the Infinity Glove,

ask newcomers.

When you see

a replica you can buy of the Infinity Glove or whatever, it looks exactly like the one.

Honestly,

no, I think that's the best part.

Really?

Infinity Glove is gorgeous.

Exactly.

They've successfully replicated.

It's beautiful gems.

Yeah, it looks like plastic.

I want them.

Yeah.

If I had to have anything, I would want that.

It's interesting that

those didn't take off the way that sometimes like fashion from a movie or something, everyone will start.

Like everyone's going to start wearing that?

Yeah, like as a fashion experience.

Like a Michael Jackson glove.

I think because you couldn't pick anything up, like your hand was just used to it.

A nightmare.

A nightmare.

What if you've gone to sleep and this is your nightmare?

You know what I mean?

What a plane.

And there's two Michael Jacksons standing over you.

And they're staring at me like they have two

together.

To have two hands in one glove.

To make our hands one glove.

Wait, what the fuck were we?

Oh, so Joseph Smith.

Yeah.

Tell us about it.

Keepstones.

He, I can't remember exactly what the peepstones were.

He was getting these messages that only he was allowed to see.

They were like written on stones.

I have heard of this.

They're written on stones with marker or like

probably marker.

Yeah, because it was like the what year?

1500 or something?

I mean, the 1800s.

It's a very young religion.

It's young.

1800.

And

he would, he would, like, look, from what I remember, yeah,

Mormonism explained by Paul F.

Tomkinson.

If I'm wrong about this, yeah.

This is not drunk history.

This is hazy history.

Just go to Wikipedia.

Sober, hazy history.

So learn about what you want to learn about, everyone.

But if I'm wrong, you can certainly look it up.

And you can sue him.

We'll even say that.

I take all lawsuits over me getting this wrong.

All right.

If you can get me to court with this, I've had it.

I look forward to being more of a field of battle.

This is a challenge.

And

so he,

the reason why

it's very hard to get past the scammy nature of this religion is that Joseph Smith is like, God is communicating to me.

He's giving me these messages on these stones, and only I can look at them.

And everybody's like, okay.

Yeah.

Sounds good to me.

Yeah.

Well, that's what do they say?

Many, many religious things feels like they come back to something like that.

Yes, yes, yes.

Right.

So that was it?

Or so I've heard.

Peeps, and they were called peep stones?

I believe they were called peep stones.

Well, that's very silly.

Wow.

It's a double.

And is that what peeps are named after?

Yeah, yes.

That's what he's saying.

They're a Mormon candy.

Yeah.

Made by Mormons for Mormons.

Every time he looked by you, he just saw

peeps inside his hat, and then he was like,

the stones say he was panicking and making something like, seven and three quarters.

Now you should be allowed to have five wives.

That's such a flex when you're doing a religion.

You're like, I'm allowed to fuck everyone.

Yeah.

And you are not.

Oh, you know what?

If you guys can do it, sure.

Go ahead.

Yeah.

I mean, hey.

God wants this.

Sister Wives, reality recap.

Do you ever watch that?

No.

Fascinating program.

Fascinating.

There's been some divorces happening in that film.

No way.

Divorces and the sister wife films.

Divorces, people don't live in the sister.

People don't live.

What do you make of the sister?

I divorces.

What do you make

on my daughter's wedding day.

Oh, by the way, the offer.

Yeah.

I was going to say, is my house to be able to do it?

Can I do some of my offerings?

Please,

please.

Okay.

So this is my good one.

Oh.

Ready.

Hey, Ruddy.

What's going on with you today, Ruddy Ready?

Get out of my office, ready.

Is that Rumble Silsky?

Oh, yeah, he was great in Godhaugh.

Ready, let me tell you something.

Ready?

You don't better up a guy that you stab in the back.

Here's how you do it.

We give an escape from the regular world.

The show that offers so crazy is a little bit of a shot.

It's a show.

Yeah, Kulap's.

Limited series.

Limited series.

Kulop will be in the other room just laughing at how crazy it sounds because everyone's doing the most extreme accents they can.

Absolutely.

So Rubisi is there going like,

why would you do it?

You got the movie.

He's making a tire drop, man.

You can't do it.

And then Miles Teller is like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

He has the exact exact same cadence for every line.

Miles Teller is acting in this movie like he won a contest to be in.

And in contests he did not want to win.

Yes, exactly.

His wife entered it in the thing, and he's like, fuck, this is for her.

And he's so good in Top Gun.

When he showed up as a movie, wait, is he playing Marlon Brando?

No, he's playing the producer of the movie.

It's all based on.

The story it's based on.

Yeah.

Okay, I didn't know anything about it.

So it's so weird because he has the exact same cadence for every line.

He says, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then you got the other guy going, ready?

What's going on here with you, Ready?

He's great.

Matthew Goode plays Robert Evans, legendary producer, and he's having the time of his life.

He's having his time of his life.

He is the most fun.

Yeah, you've seen him.

He's been in a

million things.

He's been in Matthew Good.

Woody Allen's match points.

Was he in that?

I remember there was a scene in that movie where...

He's a fan of going over the net, you know?

The 40 love, you know?

There's a scene in that movie where

it puts the pudding at the bottom.

Oh, the trifecta!

Oh, yeah, Matthew good.

I know who that is.

Matthew Good, ready, ready.

What's the good thing?

Many things that I haven't said before.

Reese major.

Reese Major.

Reese Major Minor?

Ursa Major?

Ursula Major Minor.

Ursula from Little Mermaid?

And

there's like some scene that's going on that is clearly improvised.

There's three people in the scene.

In a Woody Allen movie?

In a Woody Allen movie.

You can just tell by the way they're talking.

And it's like, you can see, I think he was on major drugs at this point.

Like he was doing heroin.

Jonathan.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

And so

he tries to get in on the tail.

On the improv.

They're pretending like he's not there.

It's very weird.

I just saw a post about the Before Sunrise trilogy, which I love.

I still have not seen them.

I want to cover them on the show.

Ready.

You got to watch them.

Ready, you got to watch the before.

Before Sunrise?

I saw a post about...

it.

Before Sunrise, even better.

And now we're going in between Sunrise.

It's never done before.

It's not done.

Apparently, Richard Lincoln said that it's not day sunlight.

Richard Linclair said there was 0% improv in the movies.

Interesting.

0%.

I was really surprised because they have a very natural flow.

Yeah, they're good actors.

They're cool.

Well, they're fantastic actors.

It's without a doubt.

Three of the best movies ever made.

Wow, I got

a hand on the table.

Would you be spoken?

Scott hasn't seen talking about them?

Maybe.

Whenever you do it.

Depends on when you do it.

Whenever you have a free moment.

Then okay.

I only want to do the first one.

Okay, that's fine.

Good boundaries.

Good boundaries.

We'll talk about that

another time.

Great.

When we're going to do your brand.

Ruddy.

Uh-huh.

I just cannot watch that show without saying Ruddy over and over again.

I love him so much.

He's really funny in it, but it's the craziest accent show I've seen in so long.

And Kulop will just be howling with laughter listening to, and she can't even pick out what they're saying, but she's just like, These accents, what are they doing?

I want to see a little bit just to know.

It's really good.

Have you ever done an accent in anything?

I have.

What'd you do?

Holmes and Awesome.

No, I didn't speak in that film, except for

a line at the end when I was American.

That was the one good part of it.

I know.

You have

somebody doesn't speak in a movie, you gotta have them talk at the very end.

I did speak at the end, and so I was just kidding.

Let me think.

I've definitely

done.

Well, I have something with an accent coming out.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

And then

it was Balegda.

Balegda, the movie?

Yeah.

The biopic.

If

there was a biopic about that person, I don't even know who it is.

Balegda.

Balegda.

And they called it Balegda.

Well,

if they called it Balegda, I'm all in.

Yeah.

But it's like calling the Tina Turner biopic.

Malignant Balegda.

What if they came to you and they said, look, Lauren, we have an offer for you.

We are not going to tell you how much it is.

We're not going to tell you the extent of your role.

We're not going to tell you where it shoots.

What we can tell you is this movie is called Balegda.

Here's what I would, I mean, okay, I can.

You could probably say who's making it.

You have to at least tell me how much I'm making.

Like, there has to be some reason to want to do it.

I can give you a range.

For the art.

I can give you a range.

Well, if I just know that's called Balegda, but I have no other information.

From $1 to $80 million.

It's not $1.

It's scale to $3 million.

Okay, and then the question I have is

probably...

Am I the one saying Balegda?

Ah,

interesting.

Would you do it if you, as long as you didn't have to say balegda, or would that be additive?

In theory, I would want to be the one saying balegda, but in practice, I think it'd be better if I wasn't, because I'm sure it'd be ripped to shreds.

Here's what I'm going to tell you:

that's not how she says it.

Um, here's what I can tell you.

Everyone in the movie says it at one point, but only one character will say it in the final cut.

Oh, so it's like whoever's the best?

Yeah, it's a bakoff.

It's a balagdof.

Belegdof.

Balegdaf.

Okay, fine, I'll do it.

We've somehow,

we've fashioned the script.

Yeah, we fashioned the script somehow so that everyone gets to say this line on their least.

And it makes sense, but

so that we can cut all of the ones.

Yes, I love that.

And we'll only keep one.

Everyone says this same line in their dialogue.

Never in the same scene.

I think that's great.

Do you ever have a house that you made up in your mind that you pictured in a book that you read that you remember?

Well, I do.

I know you do that.

That I pictured in a book that I read.

Okay, for example, right now I just was thinking about it.

Are you just thinking how I've written a book?

Well, I was just thinking about this house that I made up when I was reading a book and I, you know, made up what the house looked like.

Whose house?

And I was just thinking about the house just now.

Randomly popped into my head.

I don't know why.

What book was it?

The book was called Nothing to See Here, and it's actually a fantastic book.

I zipped right through it.

I don't want to tell you what it's about because there's a twist.

And I didn't read the summary on the flap.

And I was so happy I didn't because I didn't know what was going to happen.

I bet the twist is there was something to see.

Yeah.

There was something to see.

And it does, they write it on the fucking book, which I thought was kind of crazy because it's a fun twist.

Yeah.

And it's more exciting.

But anyway, I just picture, I made up this like beautiful mansion with this like pool

that they describe in the book.

And I just pictured it in my mind.

And I don't know why.

You know, when things just pop in your mind, it's almost like a memory, but it's not a memory.

That is a fun question.

If you ever walked into a house that looked exactly like that, would you be like, holy shit, this is the place?

Yeah.

And then what would you do?

I'd start screaming and breaking everything.

I remember when I was a kid, a series of books

that were sort of narnia-alike, but it was these kids ended up in this world that was like basically like a chessboard.

You know, like I sort of remember this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And chess for dummies, right?

Yes,

Story Characters was real dumb.

And it was the person bringing it.

No, I turned the dummies.

I opened it up and there was like a mirror page and said, you're the dummy.

All the dummies books have that.

And I really love, guess who?

I love the books.

I don't know.

I don't remember a ton of details about them.

I'll just open one to see if it does.

What?

And then there'll be the real dummy.

And then someone can open one of those dummies books to see if there is a mirror because they don't know because they've never opened it.

And then they turn the page, here's the real mirror.

And then you actually defend it.

Oh, and by the way, Post Malone, did you see that cover I posted posted of him singing Better Man?

No.

I did not.

I saw that you posted that.

I saw what the song was, and I was like, I don't like the original.

Oh, I love that song.

Okay.

But I loved his cover.

I never heard him sing.

I was like, what's going on?

I was so surprised by his whole.

Did you sound good?

Yeah, I loved it.

I like Post Malone.

And he was great.

He also did some Nirvana cover.

We went on like a...

spree watching YouTube videos.

I like his commercials.

What were they, Sprite commercials?

I thought he was funny.

I don't know.

I don't think I've seen that.

Do you know what?

If you look closely at the tattoos on his face, they're terms and conditions.

Yeah.

And then if you turn it inside out, it says may apply.

It's a map to treasure.

Oh, wow.

Ew, if you look at it inside out,

you peel.

Oh, that's what I thought you meant.

Yeah.

Don't do that to me.

Don't do that to postmalone.

But I feel like I can see there was like a castle in that series of books that I feel like I can still see, even though I remember

no details about the book.

Yeah, it's weird.

It's like a memory that you made up.

The mind is very funny, isn't it?

The mind is very.

It's an interesting little thing with all the lines and

too funny little little too rap

yeah

so do you not like pearl jam at all is that pearl jam i mean i know

another great one

you know why i like them because they tell stories with the songs yeah like harry chapin yeah they'll pause the song in the middle and just tell a story bedtime story

and then everyone goes to sleep in their concert

Let's take a break.

That was good.

That's a fun time.

You should do a cover at your next show.

They were one of the last that would be fucking rad.

Do you think people would lose their shit?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

If you sang a Pearl Jam song at your next show, people would love that.

They would be like,

rubbing their eyes and going, Am I watching Pearl Jam?

You know what?

There's another one.

Has Pearl Jam started to suck?

Mike likes, and

I think it's audio slave.

There's a song, I think it's audio slave, and it goes like, to be yourself is all you ever know.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

That sounds familiar.

And I was so surprised by this song because I thought it would be a crazy

thing.

No, I thought it'd be like what you just did, like hardcore music.

Oh, yeah, no, I know what you want.

It was like a self-esteem song, and the audience, we were watching this old 90s concert, and the audience was like

crying, singing, or whatever.

Oh, the audience was in there.

It was an old video online of the concert, and the audience was like crying at the song.

And I was like, he's singing about like self-esteem and like being yourself.

And it's just like so surprising because when I hear the nate, like that type of telecom audio, I'm not thinking I'm going to get something like that.

Audio Slave showed me it was cool to be weird.

Dumb, no, I don't know.

I'm trying to find the

dawn, know what I mean?

I'm trying to find the song.

I still don't know.

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

I have it.

Did you find it?

What about it?

Is that Be Yourself by Audio Slave?

Be Yourself.

Here we go.

The full title is Be Yourself by Audio Slave.

Yeah, it was a 2005 song, so I was wrong with when I said the concert.

Oh, shit.

He's got the Ox chord.

That's why they call him Scotty Ox.

That's why they do that.

Here we go.

Be yourself.

This is Be Yourself by Audio Slave.

Hmm, I'm not hearing it.

Oh, there it is.

Here we go.

Hey, Audio Slave fans.

As Juneteenth approaches, we'd like to remember.

You observe it on a Monday this month.

Someone falls to pieces.

Who?

Well, you have to play the chorus.

That is so fucking rude.

That was fun.

Too who?

The listener and me.

And me.

Oh, Paul doesn't know it.

I don't know, and now I never will.

We're just going to sit here, Lizzie.

Fast forward to the good part.

All right, all right, here we go.

You want me to fast-forward?

Yeah, I don't care.

Play the chorus.

All right, here we go.

Ready?

This is how I felt when we were talking about songs that make us cry.

Yeah.

And then

my song,

it was more of a build.

Yeah.

We just listened to the very first part of it.

It's not fair.

I seem like I have mental problems.

It's not fair.

Here, rewind a little bit.

Here we go.

Kick it

I believe the children are a future

and let them lead the way

teach them everything

that resides inside

Give them a sense

of price

to make it easier

Let the children slash forever

I'm using like all of my brains.

Let them lead the way.

Anyway.

Anyway.

I was surprised to say the least.

And Post Malone surprised me as well.

You want to hear a little bit of that?

Sure, I do.

You want me to hand you this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here you go.

Throw me the dongle.

Give it a real swing.

He's doing it on purpose.

There you go.

Eventually, I figured that out.

I knew you were going to do it.

I love it.

It is great.

Oh, jeez.

Fucking funny, dude.

Do you know what?

I think that is funnier than the when somebody reaches for the car door handle, you drive, you pull up.

Oh, yeah.

That is funny.

I hate that one.

But

my brother drove over my phone.

Oh, dear.

I like it.

What happened?

Oh, no.

My Wi-Fi's bad.

My Wi-Fi.

Oh, no.

My Wi-Fi's bad.

Oh, my God.

Fucking hell.

It's okay.

No, it's not.

Hey, is it eight o'clock at night, guys?

Because that's how it feels.

Is it time for bed?

I can't even play it.

I'm sorry.

Can't play it now.

Maybe I can play it.

I'll play it.

I'll send you a DM.

Oh, slide in there, baby.

I can play it.

I can play it.

I can play it.

Play it.

I can play it.

I can play it.

I can play it.

I can play it.

Come on and ruck me on my blade.

All right,

we gotta take a break.

Goodbye.

I'm Hussin Minhaj, and I have been lying to you.

I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast.

Hussin Minhaj doesn't know to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.

People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Is America too dumb for democracy?

Outrageously.

Parenting expert Dr.

Becky.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?

It's a good question.

Listen to Hussam Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

Don't call me!

We're back.

And don't call me daughter.

Ever.

Don't call me.

Guess what?

It's time for me.

My pronouns are brother, father.

Don't call me, Josh.

Oh, my God.

Can I say something?

You don't like that.

Please.

The dumb.

We want you to say things.

This is one-third your show.

The dumb.

I would love it if you would say stuff just so I would have to say less.

Really?

I really want to say less and not interrupt you all the time, but you're not saying anything.

Is this true?

Man, a quick shout-out to a podcast that I've recently started listening to on WT.

I'm devouring.

Yeah, this guy.

This guy's got to listen to the first one.

What the fuck is going on with him?

A podcast called Three Bean Salad, which is three.

Three beans.

They're

on off of us.

Well,

here's the thing.

They're three British comedians, and they have a topic that they discuss

each week.

Yeah, it sounds similar.

What's funny is they're like

a version of us where they listen to each other.

No way.

They support each other.

No way.

No, we support various people at certain times during this year.

Wait, what's the point?

The Alliances Are Formed that you recommended to me that my celebrity crush, Donald Gleason, was on.

Oh, he was on it?

Yeah, you sent it to me.

It was like a show where they talked about food.

Oh, off-menu?

Yeah.

Yes.

I liked it a lot.

Yes.

It was really interesting.

Also hosted by two very funny British comedians, James A.

Yeah, that was a good idea.

We get it.

You're an Anglophile.

Well, maybe I am.

Why don't you just move overseas?

Do you think I am?

Do you think I am an Anglophile?

There's this phenomenon that children start to speak with a British accent if they watch a lot of Peppa Pig.

I've heard that.

They watch a lot of wepe.

Peppa Pig.

It's like a British cartoon.

And they get addicted to it.

And then they start speaking because that's how they're learning how to speak.

It's interesting because I used to watch a lot of PBS as a kid because my parents used to watch a ton of PBS.

Pig BS.

PIBIS PIG.

But so I would watch a lot of upstairs, downstairs, and various English stuff.

And so I grew up kind of really able to do English accents because of that.

And then I lost it all.

I feel the same way.

Yeah.

But it was really instructional when I was a kid, just constantly learning how everyone in the world talked

and being able to imitate it out of it.

I sometimes wonder if I were able to do a scripted thing in an accent, would I be better at it than

improv, I was better at it in scripted because I had to do

how the words and you literally can do like the vowel substitutions in your script and stuff like that because they have different vowels, yeah, yeah, everywhere.

All the consonants, though, sometimes they swap them, sometimes the V instead of TH.

That's right, bruv.

So, do you have a three cha?

Have I got a three-chair?

Have you a threecha, daddy?

Disgusting.

Daddy's going to bring us a chair.

Daddy's bringing us a three-chair.

Daddy's going to bring us Violet Crumble.

I made my notes in a different color so I could find it easy.

Smart.

Oh, you're so smart.

And yet you're still not saying it.

Clever girl.

She's a very clever girl.

She's a very clever girl.

The kind that is a dinosaur.

The credit is a velociraptor.

Can I just say I'm in Ben Lee's new music video, and the music video is great, and so is the song.

And it's called Parents Get High, if you want to watch it.

Are you telling us?

No, I'm telling the audience.

I've seen little promos for it.

Yeah, it's a fun one.

I think I've seen an advert for that.

You've seen an advert.

All the two.

All right, Pepper Pig.

That'll do, Peppa Pig.

All right.

That'll do.

Do you remember this guy, KP?

Oh, my God.

He is like...

Enough with this guy.

He's our worst enemy.

He's not only our worst enemy, he's our biggest threat.

He's our biggest fan and our worst enemy.

Biggest threat.

I said thirty-three.

He submitted.

I said, threat.

He submitted this.

I said, fan.

What the fuck are you guys talking about?

Oh, my God.

We're having one of our patented disagreements.

Very, very American enemies.

One of your patented Oswalts.

This guy, KP, KP, he submitted this three church.

Kitchen Patrol.

We all know him as Kitchen Patrol.

We all know him as Kitchen Patrol.

He's appealing spuds.

He's like Paw Patrol, but if it was a kitchen instead.

Yeah.

Oh, now I get it.

Yeah, like if a blender had a hat on.

Oh, now I get it.

Leave your hat on.

If you're a blender.

So he submitted this three church called Press Junk, and we were like, there's a lot of problems with this.

Yeah.

We had notes.

Let's see.

We had a lot of notes, and we said,

you know, work on this and reset it.

And right into the mic.

It was funny because you turned away from it until the audible part.

Yeah, you're right.

There was a panelist, a best week ever panelist before the hosted version that killed it the first time

who yawned during a take and like did not like didn't stop.

Like didn't say, I'm sorry, let me do this, but just yawned through as if that was going to make it to air.

And it's like, this is a television show.

I can't tell you this person posted online, yell, I just met Zendaya, but I didn't have a pen or paper, so she signed my notes app, and she just typed Zendaya into this person's phone.

That's funny.

Oh, yeah, she did it.

Oh, the same thing is about to happen to me as soon as we stop recording.

Oh, she just did it on my phone.

Okay, so KP, so KP just submits to

total waste of space.

I wouldn't go that far.

I think we saw the potential in him.

He was not, he was a little cocky out of the gate.

It was like, no, KP, this needs work.

Go back to the drawing board.

Get back there.

Guy ghosts us.

Get back.

He ghosted us for weeks.

Get back.

Yeah.

Peter Jackson.

Get back to the drawing board, KP.

And so then he comes back because one of our notes was, what's the big prize?

Because he said there was a big prize that you win.

Yeah.

Then he gets back to us finally last week.

All right, here's his initial submission.

One person is a movie star doing a press junket for a made-up movie.

One person is an interviewer from a random local news station.

And the other person is the star's handler trying to keep the interview on track.

All right.

I actually think it's a good game.

Well, no, we didn't.

It needed something more because it wasn't necessarily a game.

No, for sure.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And so then he comes back.

What's the difference between a game and a three-track?

Oh, we can't go down there.

Shut the fuck up.

Discuss that.

We certainly don't.

Then he comes back with this.

Timer is set for three minutes.

This is him or is this you, Kev?

This is all him.

You never made any suggestions, right?

And you never will.

Yeah.

Hear me, God.

Kevin, by the way, had to learn sign language in order to communicate with us because we don't want him on mic.

Yes.

So, and you're doing a good job.

And you did it just by watching Coda?

Stop saying I love you.

So you know anything they said in Coda

and that's it.

I love the movie.

He just knows the dialogue from the movie, the script from the movie Coda.

And he has to work every conversation into that.

He wants to be a singer, I guess.

Timer said.

He's got to go out on the boat tonight.

Timer is set for three minutes.

One player is in a loof Hollywood bad boy or girl doing a press junket for their new movie.

One player is their stressed-out publicist, and the third is an entertainment reporter.

The actor has a silly rumor going around about them.

Example, tried to grow weird.

There are Z's growing out of my eyeballs right now.

Hey, man.

Yeah, the Z's are flowing, dude.

The rumor is decided ahead of time by the reporter

and is only known by the publicist and reporter.

Rumor has a.

The reporter is slyly trying to get the scoop from the actor, but the publicist is trying to get the press.

You knew you were going to be able to do that.

Sometimes, honestly, that's a good description of their job.

Hubbubaists.

The hubbuba sis.

I almost shut down when that came out of my mouth.

I was almost like, I'm done.

You almost said just walk home.

I'm done for my career.

Even drive home.

Walk home.

Well, I said hublicist.

Gotta walk home.

Honey, can you get an Uber and get my car?

Hababa, sis.

I can't go home.

I have the Uber driver drive my car, and you drive the Uber driver.

Uber, you can drive my car.

Bang, bang, bang, bang.

Five stars, five stars.

Yeah.

White Uber is driving your car.

Okay, look, weirdell, I love, you normally love your work.

Yeah.

First of all,

who's this person that's giving him notes all the time?

Weirdo, we gotta talk about Uber, you can drive my car.

The reporter is trying to get the scoop from the actor, but the publicist is trying to stop them and keep the interview about the movie.

The person playing the actor improvises the title, their character, and all the other details of the movie.

If the interviewer can slightly get the actor to say the rumor within the three minutes, they win the big prize.

Okay, that's that was the original?

No, that was the original.

And we said, what's the big prize?

Okay.

And he got all

sassy.

Got a little squirrel about the prize, of course, because it simply wasn't.

I've suggested some modifications.

Okay.

So

you've taken over KP's job in a way.

Let's hear it.

If he's not going to step up to the plate, you're going to pinch hit.

Okay.

There's two rumors.

What?

The reporter comes up with a rumor.

No.

And the publicist comes up with a rumor.

Okay.

Both are told to the actor.

What?

So the reporter and the publicist are thinking it's two different rumors.

And the reporter's trying to get the information about one of them, but the publicist is just trying to stop the other one.

Yes.

Trying to stop both?

Yes.

So I think, yes,

trying to stop both.

But really, what you're trying to do is figure out what's going on.

Okay.

And so the actor has all the knowledge

and is missing, and obviously is trying to keep the other two from knowing what the secrets are.

Let's do it.

So you have to guess your own,

what you're, the secret that you're trying to stop, if you're the publicist, you have to guess what that secret is.

This is like the opposite of KP.

This is PK.

This is so good.

Let's do this.

Okay, so...

Pretty kick-ass.

Let's just explain it as we assign tasks and explain it again.

Yeah, who are we?

Tell us who we are.

Well, is there someone who would like to hold all the cards who feels good about that?

I think.

I think Scott does.

Okay, I'll hold all the cards.

You will be the actor.

I'll be the actor, yeah.

Speak the speech, I pray you.

As it comes trippingly off the tongue.

Oh, God.

Keep tripping light Fandango.

Oh, tripping the light fandango.

Great reaction to Shakespeare.

Oh, God.

This guy again.

That guy, the bard.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I've heard of that.

Bard these nuts.

Yeah, I'm a little over the source material, you can say.

Bard These nuts.

All right, let's go.

Is this episode ever going to end?

No, because I wish it would.

We're going long over time, and we have another one to do, my friends.

All right, but you know, everyone will hate to hear.

I think the second one's always.

It's the second one.

I know.

They like it more because we're loopier.

People like the even-numbered ones and not the odd-numbered ones.

That is how it breaks out.

Although, we only did one in Las Vegas, so now we're broken the cycle.

We've broken the cycle.

Okay,

true believers.

We weren't broken Las Vegas.

Excellent.

I saw Stanley with the

candelabra in the Santa Claus last night?

Yes.

Stanley has taken over half of Santa Claus' duty.

Let's hear the rules.

I'm wrapping all the gifts on Christmas Eve.

You've been delivered a no-prize.

Okay.

I'm extremely familiar with his work.

You're the publicist.

Yeah, thank you.

But direct all questions to Newcastle.

Oh, you're the publicist.

I'm the public.

And me?

You're the hubbubby.

I'm a hubbubba.

I'm the damn fool reporter.

Okay.

I'm the hubbubba.

Sorry, you guys are going to text me.

No, you text us the rumors.

Oh.

You make up the rumors.

Oh, I got confused.

I thought it was the opposite.

I thought it was the opposite.

We tell them.

No, it was.

We change.

Okay.

Oh,

okay.

So he will tell us.

Maybe it is.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

We're already lost.

Oh, so you text him a rumor.

I text him a rumor.

You know both rumors.

And then how do they get out?

We're trying to draw it out.

But he ordered it.

And am I trying to not say them?

But you know one of them.

No, but I think what made more sense is if we are saying things that get him to go, did I fuck a guinea pig?

You know what I mean?

Like,

but that's the usual way.

That's the usual way we do it.

But I'm saying Paul's way.

You know one of the secrets.

You're trying to draw out.

Lauren, if you go to Jersey Mike, I'm not going to have it Mike's way.

No, you're always going to have it.

If we're doing Paul's game, we do it Paul's way.

It's Mike's way.

Yeah.

Crunch.

Oil, vinegar.

Paul's beverage.

Did you say crunch?

Oh, but man, what if Jersey Mike was really?

Dr.

Paul Vin Jersey.

You got to do a cover of that.

You got to do that.

You got to do it.

You got to do a cover of that.

Do a cover of cover.

All right.

So

I'm trying to find out what Lloyd's secretly.

And I'm trying to sort of just, I'm just talking.

Okay, gotcha.

Okay.

What you do best here, Paul?

Just talking, not thinking.

Yeah.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, were you mad?

No, but you're on sex to me.

Okay, here we go.

Are you mad?

Are you mad?

And by the way, I haven't done

it after I insulted you, and I was like, what, did it mean something to you?

No, I'm just waiting for your text.

And it's about you.

Yeah.

Okay.

This fictional actor that I'm portraying.

Oh, okay.

Delete, delete, delete, delete.

Mel gypsum.

You don't want to hear any rumors that we've heard about?

What?

Have you heard something about me?

No.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

They're totally silent right now as they're texting these rumors.

Oh, my God.

I got something from Jason Hanzukis before before you guys.

Is it a roar?

No, it's some

Marvel news.

I'll be reporting that on newcomers.

Yeah.

Okay.

Got it.

I got one from Paul.

I've not gotten one from Lauren.

It hasn't gone.

It hasn't gone.

Even the Wi-Fi doesn't work on my phone.

I have

three or four bars, right?

Lauren,

you and I will trade off giving details about the movie.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm still waiting for Lauren.

Do you want to just show me?

Yeah.

Don't show me.

Don't show me, Lauren.

It is a secret.

Okay.

It'll probably go through eventually.

Okay.

Don't you forget.

Got it.

All right.

I'm the reporter, right?

Yeah, I'm the hubbubbis.

Hey, how much, how long is this interview?

I think it's going to be like 25.

Can you cut it down to 23?

I can make it three, I think.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Brenda.

Hi, guys.

Hi, great to see you.

Thank you so much for sitting down with me today.

Why did you call me Brenda?

No, I was calling your publicist Brenda.

Oh, because that's your name.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I was looking at the wrong people when I was saying hello.

Obviously, I am.

Well, you have your Ray-Bans on, so we couldn't even tell.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't realize

that.

Are you in men in black?

No, no, no, no.

Because you're wearing a black suit and you have an alien cradled in your arms.

I know I'm wearing a black suit.

I know I'm wearing sunglasses.

I know I have an alien cradled in my arms, but there's a logical explanation for all of this.

I just don't have the time to get into it.

I understand we only have 50 minutes.

Yeah, it's actually breaking.

we're on a bit of a time crunch.

She's got to eat four lunches, so we're going down to three minutes.

Did you say it's to eat four lunches?

Yeah.

Okay, that's interesting.

I have four stomachs like that.

We're going down to three minutes.

So,

what publication are you with?

What publicist is she?

Brenda.

Yeah.

I'm with Backstage Northwest.

Okay, so we don't want to read this.

So, what is this?

Well, a lot of people in Seattle

will read this.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Great.

So let's get right into it.

If you can, you ready?

Yes, absolutely.

Thank you, Brenda.

Okay.

So, Glimp.

Yeah.

Very excited about this picture.

Thank you so much.

Yeah.

And I imagine.

You play the Holy Spirit.

It's never been done before on screen.

It's the first, and people think.

Because people have played God, people have played Jesus.

A lot of people have played Jesus.

Yeah.

Well,

it's funny, Brenda, that you mention that you have to eat four lunches because I understand you forgive me if this is impolite, but you're kind of a hungry boy, aren't you?

Well, he certainly has never been said to be.

He certainly has an

insatiable thirst for new innovations.

New innovations,

really, because you seem like a very traditional kind of guy, but what are these new innovations?

Well, you know, just contraptions and things, you know.

Contraptions.

Yeah.

Such as,

you know, electric stirring sticks, stuff like that.

Electric stirring sticks?

Yeah.

Keep going on this.

Who has the wrist strength?

This will be great for your interview.

Keep going on this.

These days, you know what I mean?

Keep going on this?

Yeah.

You don't want to talk about the four legends?

Ask him more about the sticks and things.

Do you want me to know about the stuff?

Isn't that what I want?

Well, we don't know what you want because you've never made it clear.

I thought I'm trying to get him to say the thing that I texted him.

No, I'm trying to figure out the thing that you texted him.

You're trying to figure out the thing that I texted him.

Okay.

Okay.

Here we go.

I mean, yeah, I am hungry

a lot of times.

Yes.

I am a hungry boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And especially right now.

I think more people know that recently than did before.

I'm sorry, did you, Glim, did you eat something that you shouldn't have eaten?

I don't think that it's illegal to eat that.

Who's doing the interview here?

Did you eat like a bat?

Who's doing the interview here?

That would be illegal.

Let me ask you.

I don't think it's illegal.

That's why Ozzy Osborne is in jail right now.

Okay, well, I thought it was because he was fighting for his life.

Did you eat something like

a tongue or something?

No,

we don't have to talk about that.

Let's talk about the

movie.

Now, everybody's in this.

Oh, it's a star-studded affair.

It seems like the

comparison, but

I don't think anyone with

I think it, I think all the stars have my favorite initials, though, in them.

Really?

Yeah, so Quentin is in it.

Yeah.

And

Coraline from the movie Coraline is in it.

Yeah.

Vince Vaughn.

Vince Vaughan is definitely in it.

V V.

Sure.

Yeah.

Or V, yeah.

I mean, yeah.

Anyway.

Yeah.

Q C

V.

Yeah.

That's some way.

That's the way it was.

I've never heard of it.

I mean,

God, when I hear those, when I hear those initials.

Hold on a second.

Excuse me.

Yeah.

Q

V C.

What about it?

God.

Is this movie.

Why are you so sleepy?

I don't know.

When I hear those initials, it just triggers something in me.

Ugh, God.

What?

It triggers like a sort of narcoleptic reaction?

Sort of, yeah, it seems like.

I'm getting tired.

Yeah, we may have to wrap this up if you keep saying those initials.

From what you said.

Do you have some sort of condition, perhaps?

Hmm.

Let me check to see what condition my condition is in.

I mean, it's definitely something that I can't.

It's sort of an unhealthy habit.

It's something I need to do.

Yeah.

Is this something you're comfortable with us talking about, Brent?

I am comfortable.

I mean, it's a rumor, but I think we could squash it right now.

Yeah, sure.

So, what people are saying

is that

you fell asleep watching QVC.

That I can't.

You can't sleep unless you watch.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

And then what I heard is that you ate a guinea pig's butthole.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

It's not illegal.

It's not illegal.

It's not illegal.

It tastes good doing it.

It's not illegal.

It's like a little free-to-lay.

Why would it be like that?

Oh, excuse me.

I have to burp.

Ralph's cleaning.

2124369.

Every time you throw up, you recite the film book.

Sorry, just what I ate is coming back up.

Ralph's cleaning.

So you...

You ate like

a cleaning solution.

Are you sure?

Shakey's pizza.

Are Are you sure it's too weird?

Is it okay to talk about this in front of her?

I mean, are you willing to go to the middle?

I'm not talking in front of her.

I just can't control my burping because I had such a big lunch.

So recently on set, a lot of people discovered something about you, and maybe you didn't want them to know about this.

But unfortunately, you were the one who inadvertently let them know.

Well, it's burp out.

It's one of those things where, you know, the sound person should have been

making sure this didn't happen.

Obviously, you want to trust them, but you you can't always, can you?

You can't always.

So

I should double check these things.

Yeah.

But, oh, God, excuse me.

Ernie's plumbing.

816-932-586.

So you have like Tourette's, but it's the phone book.

Forget it.

It didn't work.

It didn't look as good.

Well, tell me what it was.

It was that I left my mic on while eating a phone book in my trailer.

I said you ate the phone book.

No.

You said you're burping up the phone book.

You said you're burping up.

You said said you're burping up the phone book.

Well, it implies that you ate it.

No.

We're not playing implied here.

We're playing a faulty game.

Let's just say that.

Didn't work.

So

who wore it best?

DFT or KP?

That was my fault.

I'll take full responsibility.

You're going to take the blame for it.

There's something about the games and me, it doesn't work.

It just doesn't work.

You know, I find games to be tricky little things, but we'll get it next time.

We'll get it next time.

Hey.

We'll get it next time.

Good game.

Good game.

Good game.

Good game.

Good game.

Good chicken.

You know what's really funny is in professional baseball games, the teams do that themselves.

Do they, really?

Yes.

After a professional baseball game, you will see the teams line up separately and they'll go down the line saying good game to each other.

I was watching the challenge.

But not to the other team.

That's just the whole idea.

I was watching the challenge the other day and someone who got eliminated smacked

his competitor in the butt and I was like, when did that start?

Like, the first guy to do that must have been so scared to be like...

It all comes down to the second guy's accepting of it.

Yeah, well, that's what I mean.

Is the first guy must have been like, I really want to touch this guy's butt, but I need an excuse.

What if

I'm congratulating them on the game?

Well, see, I think because then it's inexorably tied into sports.

I think you're making it something sinister.

Lauren's so boring.

And I think

we gotta move it a little bit.

She's reaching into her purse for her phone.

Okay, we'll get.

Oh my god, she's got a taser.

No, oh my god, no, no, we'll see you next time.

Hey, it's Lena Waith.

Legacy Talk is my love letter to black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us.

This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Felicia Rashad, Loretta Devine, Ava Duvernay, and more.

We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day.

Come be a part of the conversation.

Season two drops July 29th.

Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast or watch us on YouTube.

Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.

We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.

So, this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.

Uncared for season three from Lemonada Media, available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.