Sores? Do You Have Sores?

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I'll see you in your dreams.

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?

Yeah, and look at us now.

Like we're all grown up.

We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye, but for the most part, it's about you.

I mean, it's always been about you.

From Lemonada Media, a live with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube.

Can I tell you what I was doing?

Please.

I was just doing the middle of freedom.

I wasn't saying the th.

We're saying duh.

And I wasn't saying the mm.

Eh.

I was saying, Rita.

Rita.

Lovely Rita.

That's what Tom Hanks yells when Rita's walking to the car a little too fast.

Rita.

When she's walking to the car a little too fast.

I had of him in the parking lot.

He's like, Rita!

Rita, you're walking to the car too fast.

Well, is that he's trying to tell her something before she leaves?

Yeah, she forgot her wallet.

Don't trip!

Is he British?

Rita.

I'm trying to do Ozzy Osborne.

Shiraz!

Rita!

Remember that show?

I do.

Boyo.

Remember we got conned in watching that?

Now I.

That was like one of the first best reality things I've ever seen.

I may have told you this story, but I watched that show and I was like fascinated by it.

And then I showed it to a friend of mine.

He's like, you got to watch this.

Mirror weeks ago, you told us this.

Did I really?

Yeah.

And they went, This is stupid.

And you never watched it again.

He didn't even say this is stupid.

He went,

Oh, I get what this is.

And then I felt stupid.

Oh, I get what this is.

That's so, so kind of

damning based on his interview in Decline of Western Civilization 2,

where he's called.

Hey, Lauren, I have a question for you.

Hey, Lauren.

Yeah.

Who is the teen idol in the Partridge family?

David Cassidy.

Yeah.

You got it.

That's correct.

You nailed it.

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

Bonnie Daddy Duche.

Until

Bonnie.

Bonnie Dadda Duche.

Bonnie Dadda Duche.

You know, right as

like

minutes before we recorded, I was coming down here and

I happened to see my daughter take one of those big bubble wands, you know.

That's what, to your wondering eyes, did appear.

Yes.

And she

like intentionally

hit our nanny in the head with it.

Oh, it was one of those things where it's like she's trying to figure out, is this a thing that I'm allowed to do?

And had to have.

a big serious talk with her about that.

Oh, it's too bad.

But it was very nice.

She said, I'm like, of her own volition, she said, I'm sorry.

I love you too, to our danny.

Oh, that's nice.

It was very nice.

But thank God I was there.

Thank God you were there.

Lay down the law.

Because our danny would have had her arrested.

Yes.

And she would have stayed within her rights.

Yep.

You don't allow to hit people.

Nope.

It's a salt.

It's a stand-u-ground law.

It's a pepper.

It's pepper.

You're just having fun.

I'm just kidding.

You're being silly.

But I'm just kidding.

I know.

It's fun.

I'm so glad you were kidding because I think kidding is fine

within limits.

Yeah.

I love limits.

Yeah.

Austin City.

Love them.

Austin City Limits.

Great show.

Others?

Yeah.

Other city limits.

What's up, Lauren?

Nothing.

Have you seen the movie The Others, Lauren?

No.

Are you mad?

I'm your daughter.

I've never seen it either.

Oh, my God.

Do you know what I'm going to say?

We should turn on Scott Hasn't

Triple Scott Hasn't Seen?

We should watch a movie together.

Yeah, that would be fun.

We've never done that.

Let's go to the movie.

Obviously, we went to the drive-thru.

Let's go to the movie-they're gonna.

We saw Jaws.

Jaws is Jaws.

We went to the drive-thru.

We saw the ever seen together?

We went to the drive-thru.

We saw Jaws as we were passing by grabbing our nuggets.

What?

You said we went to the drive-thru and we saw Jaws.

I meant drive-in, of course.

Oh, oh, oh.

Should we go to the movie theater and see a movie?

No, I wouldn't go that far, but.

Okay, fine.

Should we put one on in the background with captions on right now?

Have we ever watched screen?

I mean, I know, Paul, you've watched a movie in the backyard here, but I don't have.

You have, have you?

I don't think I have.

Did you watch the screen?

And you weren't at that West Side Story movie that we went to that time.

Westside Story movie?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where Casey Wilson and I

kissed

in front of everybody?

They're like, before we get to the movie,

let's have the main event right now.

We're going to reenact Tony and Maria's.

Everyone's been waiting for this.

No, we rent during COVID.

We rented a movie theater privately.

privately.

Was it at the Americana?

It was at the Americana, and then Casey wanted to give a speech and then got there late and

tried to get up as it was starting to give a speech.

Anyway, what was the speech going to be?

I don't know.

Hey, everybody.

I'm presenting the movie Westside Story to you.

You know how theatrical she is?

She wanted to give a speech.

I have to say, that was kind of a fun thing that came out of the pandemic is this renting of theaters.

My friends did it recently for Wicked, and it was like 300-something bucks or something.

It was like if you split it with people, it's really not.

That's a lot like going to the theaters and buying popcorn,

right?

Have to pay for the sitter and

the parking and the concessions.

It might as well be $300.

We purchase a theater for $300.

We take our sitter.

So when they say

when the movie theater says we make all our money from the concessions, why is the fucking ticket price so expensive though?

Well, that's the thing.

Well, because it doesn't have to go to the movie.

What's that?

Doesn't a portion of the sale go to the movie itself?

Half of it, yeah.

I guess.

I mean, I guess.

You're giving off the real Sam Rockwell energy today.

Ew.

That's not bad.

No, hold on, wait for it.

Sam Rockwell's character in White Lotus.

How, in what way?

I don't know.

Something about the way those glasses are framing your eyes.

Like, they look like a similar shape, and I feel like it's informing.

Have you ever won an Academy Award?

Probably not.

Do you kind of lose track of which ones you've got?

I have lost track of the awards that I've won or not.

I had a dream that I won an Academy Award for Amelia Perez.

And I stolen value.

And I didn't know about it.

It should go to those people who didn't know anything about trans people.

I didn't know anything.

I didn't realize I was a producer on it.

And then they contacted me like later.

Here's your Academy Award.

And I was like very embarrassed because I've talked so much shit about it.

And you you haven't done anything to help it.

And I was like,

if anything, you tried to harm it.

I'm going to have to tell the co-host of my other show, Sean,

about this and eat some crow because I won an Academy Award for this terrible movie.

What a weird dream.

It was a very weird dream.

My dreams are all really normal.

My dreams are really normal and they make sense.

Always.

Some people believe that, I mean, maybe you guys do.

I think that dreams are an expression of your emotional state.

And And some people don't believe there's any value to analyzing dreams, but I think that there is.

I sometimes think they're like

improv scenes in the sense of like your mind,

your mind establishes a premise and then you are actively making choices in it.

I feel like the scene that I have a harder time with, I can see that it would mean something, but I have a harder time with

one thing just blanket meaning the same thing.

I agree with that.

Oh, if your teeth fall out, you're worried about money or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I agree with that.

I think that it's easier, it's more likely just general anxiety.

It's like if you are, I mean, everybody's worried about money, so that's a pretty safe bet.

But I think that I don't think it's the same way every time.

I think sometimes your dream could just be expressing your emotional state back to you because it's on your mind, it's in your subconscious.

And sometimes it could be an opaque thing.

I don't know if opaque is the right word, but

you're trying to, you're trying to figure something out.

I think it sometimes starts as that.

And then you, based on the choices you make in the dream of like oh i'm gonna run away from this or i'm gonna do this or whatever it morphs into something that is totally disconnected from what it started as so it just like and and i don't know if you've ever had this where like they always say oh if you die in a dream you die in real life or whatever but i've found that that is like the end to my dream where if i'm about to die in it where i've made a choice where i go oh fuck this there's no way out of this i'm about to die I wake up immediately because I can't make any further choices, if that makes sense.

I have died in dreams where I'm dead right now.

No.

Is that true?

Yeah, we're ghosts.

Oh, you're ghosts.

I'm not.

But I'm a ghost?

Yeah.

We're all.

I'm a little bit like

that character in that film.

Are you mad?

I see dead people.

It's funny because I don't think of dreams as, I don't think of myself as making a lot of choices in dreams.

I feel like it's things that happen.

I feel like

a premise is established of like, hey, here's the problem.

And then you're sort of trying to work it out.

And so you go like, well, I'm going to do this.

And then you follow that road.

And then it leads you to a thing that sometimes is like, oh, okay, well, if you made this choice, then you're going to do this.

This sounds to me like a choose your own dream venture.

Yeah.

In a way, without turning the pages.

That's the worst part of

choose your own adventure.

They should make these like a computer game where you just press a button and then it takes you there.

But the flipping through pages?

God.

I don't want to flip through pages.

Especially like, oh, I'm on page three and I have to go to 79.

Fuck.

You know what else?

This is on the topic of video games.

Some video games where you have to.

You have to, you go up to a character and you talk to them.

Like an old man in Red Den.

Red Den.

Red Dem.

Red Dem.

When you talk to Remdem,

there's certain games where then you will be presented with

the character will say something to you, and then you have options of what to say back.

And there's only three.

Come on, man.

I'm not bothered that

there's a limited number.

There's so many things you could say.

It's like, I don't want to, I don't, don't make me do this.

Like, like, why don't you say it to someone?

Well, because a lot of times it doesn't have any effect on the game.

Because sometimes there's two, it's just two variations on the same thing.

Isn't there, isn't, is, isn't, aren't there like time waster characters in video games who only exist to waste your time?

And then anytime you like even get close to them, the thing pops up and you're like, fuck this guy again.

You have to like deal with it or something.

I don't know.

I don't know.

But there are like in Red Den Dedemption.

There are characters that you talk to that have no outcome on the game, right?

Remadem Ding Dong is a complex game in which most of the people that you talk to do have

an apartment complex.

These are the people in your neighborhood.

If Red Deck Redemption were an apartment complex, would you live there?

Yes, absolutely.

Yeah, I would.

I don't know enough about the game, but I kind of think, yeah.

I would say that Red Dead is probably one of those games where there's not only

not people who waste your time, but you can accidentally bump into someone and then they'll challenge you to a fight.

So

you have to be very careful

because you could accidentally infuriate someone who's trying to do it.

My dog thinks that's going to happen all the time.

one dog in particular I know we have two but one dog thinks that literally anyone walking by is there to challenge them to a fight and

do you know this is George George

a third pet no I as I said the other day

we need less living beings in this house and I'm willing to volunteer

as I said the other day

are you gonna get a dog Paul someday yeah yeah someday I think nice I think you see that happening yeah get one while you can still walk around

do you know while you can still walk around what do you know you're gonna be at a lime scooter within three years on a lime scooter that's how i'm getting around

i mean i'm so rascal i'm so old i have to take a lime scooter everywhere can you

wee and hold it no helmet i just swiped my credit card

when we were in austin recently i know it's not that recent at this point but um

I'm

Lauren, were you almost hit by lime scooters several times?

That didn't happen to me, but I see it.

Because I see it happening.

It happened to me several times, and I mentioned it to someone who lives there, and I was like,

I was like almost hit by several lime scooters.

He's like, yeah, it's a horrible problem here.

So it can happen.

Wow,

in Evanston, it's kind of similar, I think, with Northwestern, because there's these.

these college students that are on scooters or bikes on their phone looking down as they go.

Bring back K State.

Very dangerous.

I was on a college campus recently and I was almost hit by a scooter in the middle of, like I was just walking to a place and in the middle of the

thoroughfare?

Quad.

Yeah.

Quad?

Is that what quads say for a college campus?

I have no idea.

But I was like, what the fuck is wrong with these?

And then when I walked back to my car the other way, I noticed that I must have been walking in the I look down on the ground and there's like a, some sort of lane for these or something.

And you are the asshole.

I guess, but like.

A-I-T-A?

Yes.

Yeah.

But this shouldn't exist is my point.

Do you read that?

Just because there is a lane for it, like, doesn't mean that someone who's on a line scooter shouldn't like almost stop.

Like, stop if you hit someone.

I agree with that.

You should use common sense if you're charging.

I'm in the lane.

Yeah.

Do you ever read Am I the Asshole on Reddit?

No, I think I only read it when it's posted somewhere else.

Should we read one and say if they're the asshole?

Yeah, sure.

Let's do it.

Should that be a three-chart?

That seems kind of fun.

Should I do it at three-trio time?

Let's do it at three-choot time.

We're going to hype it up.

It's going to be in three chair time.

Mirror,

I would say like 26 minutes from.

And stay tuned because we will be playing Am I the Asshole?

Coming up.

And so

how do we give points to it?

I don't think we have that.

Great question.

How much of an asshole they are?

Yeah.

If we guess if they're an asshole or not, we get a point.

No, the point goes to the person.

The point goes to the person.

Yes, great.

The person asking the question, and then they can win.

And the object is to be the asshole.

There's to be an am I the asshole board game.

It is very

it's funny when somebody posts one where

they have been clearly treated monstrously.

Yes, I'm like, just wondering, am I the asshole here?

And then everybody's running back, like, you have to get away from that person immediately.

Someone, like, just the titles are so insane.

We're going to get to this.

Okay.

Okay.

We're going going to get to this.

Also, Tfu, that's a good one, too.

Tifu.

Today's

up.

Fucked up.

Today I fucked up.

I feel it.

Do you think that you make a mistake every day of your life?

Yes.

Yeah.

I'm here, aren't I?

Ah!

Oh!

Do you not think that

you're not going to be able to do that?

I wonder if it's possible to go a whole day.

Probably if you live alone.

But like, you know what I mean?

Like, is it possible to live an entire day without

a mistake?

Great movie premise.

Jim Carrey?

Yeah.

Why do you want to do that?

No, you know what I mean?

Like, if you didn't leave the house, if you were just watching TV,

you could conceivably say,

you know what?

I didn't make any mistakes today.

I would like to tell a story on the topic of mistakes.

Okay.

There is a television show that I guested on one time, which was

Sopranos?

Leave the name out.

No, wouldn't that be funny if I was on an episode of The Sopranos?

That would be great.

I can see you on there.

Oh,

Tone.

I don't know, Tone.

Who is he?

How did he get in here?

They just shoot him.

Why is he in the pork store?

So this show was, I came to discover, was

a word-perfect set where you had to say every line of dialogue

exactly as it was written, even if grammatically it was kind of clunky and hard to say.

It's interesting when you watch a movie like, say,

there's Milhomicide.

I know there is, but this is a digression, and then we're returning.

I wanted to make sure we're returning.

Digression.

Digression.

If you watch, like, one of those like.

This is run by digression.

I drive by digression.

And then you see an actor like William H.

Macy, who's able to do it and make it seem real, even though it seems kind of heightened.

You know what I mean?

And makes all of the...

Yeah, but if,

you know, like all the repetitions.

Exactly.

David Mamet, of course.

You have to say the ums and the uhs exactly as scripted.

Yeah, it's always fascinating to me.

It's someone who can do it and imbue it with intention, do it and imbue it.

That's the new grip it and rip it.

I hope so.

So, how did it go?

It was extremely challenging and frustrating, but I noticed that the cast who had been dealing with this since the inception of the show, and I was on in the last season, I think this is the West Wing.

They would, after each take,

if they

got through it without the script supervisor coming up to saying,

you said there instead of there are or whatever,

they would look at each other and say, no mistakes.

Wow.

And then I started saying it.

And then it scarred me for the next three jobs that I worked on.

Because you were trying to do that?

Or and they were like, hey, could you loosen this up a little bit?

It made me, it put me, it made me so self-conscious

that I was expecting the note and it never came.

Wow, I'd be like, ah, fuck.

I would be so worried about the dialogue as I was saying.

Yeah, do you ask permission to change lines?

Yeah, I've done that.

Yeah, yeah.

Or do you just have you ever just kind of changed it and said, I hope they don't have a problem with this?

No, I mean, if it's like I've added things or whatever, if it's, if it, if I feel like that's the vibe and we're doing like multiple takes or whatever, yeah, the vibration.

If I feel that the vibration is immaculate,

uh like the conception of our lord

um that's

wait

yes paul

i think was mary no was mary a slut

there's something where the immaculate conception

i think we

we take that to mean the conception of jesus because he was he was conceived without since yeah

but it's actually

something about mary as well there's something about mary not the movie Is it the jizz in her hair?

What?

Oh my God, that's a great.

We should do a parody of

Mary, Mother of God.

She's got jizz in her hair.

It'd be so funny.

I mean, that's something I think

you should do with other people.

It's Mary.

The Immaculate Conception is a Catholic doctrine stating that the Virgin Mary was conceived without original sin.

What?

Yes.

This doesn't make any sense.

So she was conceived without anyone boning down?

Yes.

God said, I'm not going to give her original sin because I meet her later.

It doesn't make any sense.

Why doesn't it?

You're saying that doesn't make any sense.

Wait, who?

So she never.

Oh, okay.

Forget it.

We have to take a break.

She was conceived without original sin.

What does that mean?

Unlike original sin.

That's the sin that we are born with.

Meaning she,

but she chose to sin

or she never sinned.

I would assume she never sinned later.

That's two people.

This is a hat on a hat.

That's two people who never sinned.

You got her son, Jesus, and her never sinned red.

Oh, come on.

I don't know if she never sinned.

It doesn't say in the Bible that she sinned.

This is stupid.

All right, let me take a break.

It's back to school season.

Back to school season, little boys and girls.

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Cooler temps are rolling in.

Dude, do daughter.

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I got to ask you about their denim.

Okay, well, their denim's durable and it fits right.

What about leather jackets?

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What makes Quince different?

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I'm Hussin Minhaj, and I have been lying to you.

I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hussin Minhaj doesn't know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.

People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Is America too dumb for democracy?

Outrageous.

Parenting expert Dr.

Becky.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?

It's a good question.

Listen to Hussam Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonata Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

We are back and we're so back.

I hope that His Holiness the Pope

is listening.

Oh, really?

And I hope he realizes Pope Mobile.

Yeah.

He has Bluetooth, presumably, or Pope Tooth.

Sorry.

He has to.

Could we call it Pope Tooth?

I am the Pope.

I know it's still Bluetooth, but could we just call it Pope Tooth?

Could we just call it Pope Mope?

Can we call it Blue Pope?

I feel like that would be one of our sponsors?

That would be confusing.

Like, if you were to say, hey, can you turn on the Blue Pope?

You'd be like, what does that mean?

But if you say, oh, my Pope wants to connect with my phone, so can you just try?

Turn on the Pope Tooth.

Guys,

it's, I know it's Threedom Thursday, but it's actually Monday when we're

recording this.

And

do Mondays get you down?

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.

Like, are you guys living for the weekends?

You know, this Monday, I feel like it's kind of slammed me right back into everything because I was.

I flew back from New York yesterday, which is a very exhausting travel day.

I was so so tired when I woke up six hours.

I barely slept the night before.

I went to bed at two.

You're partying, right?

I was kind of partying.

And then I was awake.

Going to the SNL parties, the after party.

That was actually a discussion that we had.

And then we were all like, we have to stay up.

The party starts at 1.30.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But

I was very tired.

And then today I had to kind of like do something before this and get out the house very early and do all the stuff with the kids during the night and blah, blah.

So I guess generally.

Monday got me today, I would say.

I have a

back-to-back day.

Do you not look forward to Mondays or are you like...

I look forward to them.

Really?

I don't not look forward to it.

I like to, you know, get sometimes the weekend is a little bit exhausting because with kids, you don't get to let it go.

It's life feels like

we have inverted weekends now where like the weekend is exhausting for me.

So Monday, I'm like, oh, thank God.

That sounds like it sucks.

Yeah, you get to do whatever you want.

Is every day like a weekend for you, Paul?

No, it is not.

And I have a very strong sense of the weekend, and I am sad when it's over.

Yeah.

I mean, I like what I do, but sometimes you have that weekend where you think,

I could do with one more day of this.

Yeah.

One more day of this.

So you can make your schedule that way.

Should weeks be eight days?

How?

Don't post anything on Fridays.

No, we make weeks eight days.

I can't.

I think mine made more sense.

It's too, it's, I can't, I can't.

There's just too much shit going on.

Every once in a while.

Maybe.

Once a month.

I'll try.

One Friday a month.

There are weeks where I try.

Where you just say, I can't do it.

Kick it down the line.

What if it's a job that goes away from you?

Well, if it's a job, then you take it.

Well, then there you go.

You would do a job on a Saturday.

Yeah.

So I'm saying.

Would you do a job on Sunday?

Yeah.

After Mass.

Starring Klinger?

And Father Mokey.

Starring Klinger.

Stage five Klinger.

Colonel Potter?

Stage five Klinger.

Isn't that what that

I gotta say?

He was a stage five clinger.

It's like a girl who's obsessed with a person.

What?

I've never heard this.

You ever seen that show Aftermath with that stage five clinger?

I think it's from, I think it's from Wedding Crashers, apparently.

That's what they call it.

Oh, no, Wedding Crashers.

Oh, Wedding Smashers.

I like that movie.

I'm not sure.

A stage five clinger

constantly hangs around their crush, even if the other person person isn't interested or has a partner.

Source.

Source?

That's funny to do.

Blink.

After anything anyone ever says.

Source.

What does that mean?

It's something someone does on the internet to waste your time.

Yeah.

Basically is like.

To call you an idiot or a liar.

Or just to waste your time to do like source, you know, to make you look up whatever you're doing.

Sorry, S-O-R-S.

No, no, source, meaning what is your source?

Oh, source.

Yeah.

Those sores.

SARS?

Sores?

Sores.

Do you have sores?

Sores.

Hey, do you have sores?

Have you guys ever had sores?

What a word, sore.

Sores.

It's so evocative.

I like it in a 50s, like eight-year-old sense of like, I'm sore at you.

Oh, don't be sore.

Don't be so sore at me, please.

She chuckles.

You're joking.

You should show at me.

Anxiety.

Lauren, what's going on?

What is going on?

We'll just like to know.

I don't know.

Ask us.

I'm doing

anything.

Ask you anything.

Yeah, AMA.

American Medical Association.

Would you rather

be bald on top with a long ponytail

or

have eyebrows that grow really fast.

We have to trim them every three times a day.

Eyebrows.

Yeah, the eyebrows.

Yeah.

I, I, if you don't trim, if you only trim them twice a day, it still looks really unruly.

That's fine.

But like,

it looks crazy.

It goes down your face.

Like after five.

Oh, like if it folds over?

Yeah.

After 5 p.m.

Who cares?

Yeah.

Your wife.

After 5 p.m., who cares?

She's used to it.

She's used to it.

I

Janie and I are.

there's a thing in our house where

if somebody says, so what,

we will immediately, the other person will immediately say, so what?

Who cares?

Which is the Fred Armiston impression of Joy Behar.

All right.

Yes.

And I was out to dinner with a couple of friends that I haven't seen in a while.

It was Fred.

It was not Fred, but I did run into Fred at that restaurant one time.

Oh, really?

And somehow in conversation, we found out that all three of us do that in our households.

Wow.

Whoa.

Whoa.

You know what I just realized?

It's kind of weird.

Please.

Before I had ever been to your house, I imagined your house like just

a medieval castle.

You know, like when you're telling a story about it.

I thought it was a bounce house.

Yeah.

I would picture your kitchen for the story that you're, you know, I kind of created a map.

Like the story about you and Janie.

I created a map in my head, like a layout of what your house was.

And then I've since been there.

Me and Janie having the what?

You know, moving the thing back and forth.

The soap.

I whip my hair back and forth.

I move the soap back and forth i move the soap back and forth but so

i just realized right now that i still kind of imagine the old space even though i know what your house looks like oh that's wild maybe you need to really live in his

actual space i think i would like to live there is what i'm trying to do maybe we need to freaky friday i need to live there for a bit and just really get used to it yeah

I haven't even seen all of your house.

That's crazy.

It's crazy.

I've been there, but I've not seen all the rooms.

Yeah.

I don't, I feel like I've seen.

Okay, I know the kitchen.

I know your, like,

what do you call the main room that leads to the living room?

The lounge.

And the podcast room, of course.

Of course.

Is it lying fallow now?

Have you recorded anything?

I do, like, zooms and stuff in there.

Zoom.

You know, Zooms.

Zoomies.

I get the Zoomies in there.

But I just run around.

I don't think I've seen any other room in your house.

Well, next time you're over, I'll give you a tour.

Okay.

Thank you.

And how do we get there?

I'm not inviting you anytime soon.

There we go.

But that's I keep saying, I keep saying I want to meet Gigi, and you're like, Yeah, that should happen.

You haven't met her?

No.

Well, you can't come to her birthday.

No, you know, I'm going to meet you.

And that's happened to a couple events.

I know.

Wait, when's her birthday?

You're already coming.

You're trying to cats in the cradle me for your children?

It's July.

No, that's not her birthday.

And I don't say her birthday publicly.

Oh, right, right, right, right.

It's actually.

Because people can steal her identity.

It's a mystery month.

It's the 13th month, isn't it?

Yes.

It's that white one where you can't tell what flavor it is.

It's the 32nd day of the 13th month.

Wow.

Well, that's going to be exciting when I go to this birthday, whatever it is.

You are RSVP'd, and you will be there.

I don't know why I'm going to kula.

Yeah, but she hasn't passed along any.

Yeah, she probably was just waiting until it mattered, like, oh, it's tomorrow.

Yeah.

How this really operates.

I remembered a sad story.

This is not my story, but it happened to a friend of mine.

Oh, no.

Stolen Fowler.

A sad story.

That he was at a party.

He was at a party where a few people from our old high school were as well.

And this one dude that we knew

who was, I guess, more of a dorky-looking guy when we were in high school.

Typical nerd, glasses, taped together.

Like he sort of slimmed down and and became like a handsome, you know, kind of nice looking guy.

Uh-huh.

And

this other dude

who was more of a cool guy went the other way.

And now he looked like a sort of 1950s mean dad.

I love that.

Grease stained t-shirt.

Yeah, like flat top haircut, grease stained t-shirt.

And then somehow, like, I don't know why they got into some argument

or whatever.

And I guess the nerd and the or the former nerd and the former

nerd and the former cool guy.

They got into an argument.

Yeah.

I think the former cool guy was cruising for a, he was looking for a fight.

He's interested.

So he's still acting like he was a cool guy.

He was cruising.

Yes.

And I think it bothered him that this guy now had a sense of himself and wasn't in high school anymore.

And somehow it came up that

one thing led to another.

And then the idea that he, this guy was now, um,

you know, uh,

sort of more attractive.

And then the formerly cool guy said,

yeah, but I was, I was skinny in high school when it counted,

which is maybe the bleakest thing I've ever heard.

That's the most depressing shit I've ever heard

for 10 reasons.

It actually counts more.

This dude also

came to a comedy night

when I was starting out and like heckled me.

And that makes sense.

Yeah.

And like flipped a, you know, that thing where you flip a beer cap with your, you snap.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was very, what a very strange.

Okay.

Calling back a conversation we had quite a few episodes ago.

If you found out he was dead,

would you laugh maniacally?

No, he wasn't.

I would not laugh maniacally over that.

I remember it.

I feel like you have a list of people that you'll be cackling about as there was a guy who bullied me when i was a kid who not long after high school um like killed himself and it was i i went like the other way yeah where i was like oh that is very sad and i well then like you sort of realize empathy of like what's going on in their life yes yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's bad it all comes into focus like he had a horrible life bully me when i was in seventh grade and he was in sixth grade he and his friends used to when i was on my paper route, follow me,

corner me, and beat the shit out of me.

His father ended up being my philosophy professor in college.

And I was like,

so you know so much about philosophy.

Why are you raising such a fucking asshole?

I'll tell you why, Scott.

Why?

Because

there are many different philosophies.

Oh, so this was the philosophy that it was great to bully people?

Exactly.

Okay, this makes sense.

And that we may not like it, but that is a philosophy.

philosophy okay you have to be philosophical about those things

what

yeah good old little john yeah

yeah

you know little john yeah

what

yeah

okay

lauren were you ever bullied uh yeah

Yes, I was.

Did you ever bully?

Maybe a little, not like.

emotionally.

Yeah.

I verbally bullied a little bit.

I don't know if I really verbally bullied.

I don't know what I did,

but

I

we had, you know, the internet was new when I was in like middle school.

People

typing mean things under pseudonyms, AOL.

Did that sound have to be that way?

Yeah, no.

Do you know what I mean?

No.

They could have made it like a pleasant sound, like jeep, jeep, jeep, but I consider that

it a pleasant sound.

Yeah.

Because I love it.

You love the 90s so much.

Well, I love that.

I love that time when it was like, we're logging on.

When we get into the gang, the gang, I was like, it's coming soon, very soon.

You're cyberbullied, is what you're saying.

No, I was cyberbullied.

Oh, you were cyberbullied.

All of us.

A lot of us were.

At least one

account, and we later figured out who it was.

And I still to this day know who it was.

And you know who you are, you piece of shit.

You fucking bitch.

You better never show your face around here.

Man, if she walked in here right now while we were recording, Paul and I, you know what?

Paul and I would

hit her in the face for you.

I wouldn't want that.

What?

Where do you want us to hit her?

A little bit?

You can't hit a woman in the face or the boob.

How about the stomach?

Okay.

Great.

Thank you.

Poudini style.

Houdini style.

Houdini.

Oh, poudini style.

I remember when I was, when I was a, when I was in grade school, I remember sort of doing the deflection thing of making fun of somebody that everyone made fun of.

Yeah.

Right.

So it's like, don't make fun of me.

Yes.

I would say that's more where I would have fallen.

See how I can be clever?

Yeah.

It's not good.

And it's making

me feel sad when you're doing it.

I don't always feel sad.

And I really want to make sure to raise my children to not

do that even when it seems like the thing

not to pile on.

How do you teach your children well?

I would like to

ideally I would like to teach her to like, hey, if you ever see someone who

needs someone to sit with

report them,

yes.

Report them to ICE.

But, like, be the person who makes the extra move to make someone feel better.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I actually think, I don't know, I feel like she's on her way because she's so nice to her friends.

Yeah.

Then she hates

her.

Salted the nanny.

That's it's an age with a weapon.

That's an age.

No, I know.

She's trying to figure out like boundaries.

Well, she also, I think, was trying to do it playfully, but instead just like bank, you know.

Kiss them out of it.

Yeah, kind of funny.

That's why I set up a punging bag.

I remember when I was out in the garage, I'm teaching her.

I was probably in middle school, and I like, um, do you remember on Un Seinfeld when Elaine would be like,

Unseinfeld?

Unseinfeld, when Elaine would say, get out, and she would, like, push the guy.

I like was doing that.

I remember doing this, like, thinking I was being funny to my dad, but I like pushed him in his stomach because I was shortini stuff.

And he was like, ooh,

I was just like, get out.

And I thought I was doing funny.

And it was like, oh, you just pushed his

knock the wind out of him.

I had a guy do that to me,

not my stomach, but my chest

on a TV job.

Yeah.

Where,

you know, you're supposed to kind of pull it a little bit.

Yeah, fake it a little bit.

But he wasn't doing that.

I had someone.

I had someone choke me.

I had someone.

We did one rehearsal.

It's not a competition, but okay.

One rehearsal where they faked it and then in the actual scenes did it for real every single time yeah yeah and uh also had someone rip my hair yeah yeah that was off camera two different people yeah

you ever think maybe it's you

nope

no i don't no but hey i don't know i don't know how you teach your kids to do things because you know i i choose not to talk to them you gotta spank them yeah sorry you have a hands-on for each of them

i don't want to be a helicopter parent so i'm just like whatever you want to do do as thy will i'm hands-on voices off yes yeah everything's physical noises off noises off everything's going wrong yeah and you're backstand it's hilarious

and there's sardines everywhere there's sardines simply everywhere you don't know what we're talking about i don't you ever seen noises off no i it's very funny you know what i i auditioned for it in high school and then they and then they cast it and i wasn't in it and then they canceled it for some reason i did a different show i don't remember what happened

You have no idea what happened.

I don't know.

Maybe the director got sick or something.

There was some reason something happened.

So another director steps in.

It didn't happen.

And then I did see the filmed version of that.

The film version is not great.

But it's not as fun to watch as it would be on the stage with people like all the different doors.

Exactly.

I will say about the film version: Mary Lou Hinner, surprisingly good English accent.

Yeah.

Well, she remembered exactly how to do it.

A good movie with doors.

Exactly.

Total recall of the accent.

Good movie with doors is the doors.

A good movie of the doors is the doors.

A good movie with doors.

If you like movies with doors, you were talking about all the doors.

A good movie with doors is Door of the Explorers.

Yeah.

I can't beat that.

Don't even try.

I'm not going to be able to do that.

It's like a broken drum.

It's like a broken drum.

I can't beat that.

I can't beat that.

What's this?

I don't know.

I can't beat that.

Okay, we can't beat that.

And I can't beat that.

We're going to beat this little break into submission.

And when we come back, we're going to play Am I the Asshole.

Oh, my God.

This is very exciting.

This is so exciting.

I can't wait to play Am I the Asshole.

This is going to be as exciting as the Bible trivia, I think.

I can't wait.

All right.

There's so much advice out there.

And all we want to do as parents is get it right.

The great news is you're the expert on your child.

And sometimes figuring out what they need is as simple as getting them to talk.

I'm Dr.

Susan Swick, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, and I'm also a mother of four.

On my new podcast, Talk Aboutable, I'll hear from parents about what's keeping them up at night, and we'll figure out how to tackle it by talking about it.

From Lemonada Media, Talk Aboutable is at September 9th.

Follow wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, Lauren.

What's a three-track?

I think it's a buster.

It's a game we like to play.

But so here's what I want to tell you about this three-chir.

We just came up with it while we were talking, and the three chair is we're going to look at Reddit and see the category A-I-T-A, which is Am I the Asshole, and we're going to read one and we're going to discuss whether the person is the asshole or not.

Yeah.

Do you want me to read you a few titles and you can pick one?

Yeah, that would be great.

Ready, Paul?

Yes, I am ready.

Am I the asshole for letting you know I am divorcing you by sending you a thread on the website that you use to ignore me?

Oh,

could you say that again?

Because I wasn't ready.

Am I the asshole for letting you know I am divorcing you by sending you a thread on the website that you use to ignore me?

The website that you use to ignore me.

So, like, this person's on this website all the time instead of engaging with their spouse, and they log on to this website, and there is a.

So, do we guess first whether they're the asshole or not?

Before we hear the divorce.

It's a boob-rating website.

See, now I want to.

No, no, no.

How does one leave a divorce message on a boob rating website?

But let's read a few different headlines and we'll see.

See the old boob rating website.

I'm going to go online and rate some boobs.

Check that inbox.

These are like some of the top categories of all top threads of all time.

Here's what I'm going to suggest.

We read the headline.

Okay.

Then we try to guess

if they're the asshole or not.

We decide how we read the rest of them.

Okay.

I like that.

And then, so, and do we want to just pick one or do you have to read you three headlines?

I think you can both do it the way you want to do it and they can intersect.

Read three headlines and then we'll see which one we want to attack first.

Let's put Lauren one.

Am I the asshole for telling my sister she's not allowed to bring her homemade food to Thanksgiving?

I like this one.

I like this one.

That one is such an obvious asshole.

Okay.

Because her cookie, the rest of the headline that I couldn't see is because her cooking is ruining the meal.

I'll read it to you.

Obviously.

So, do we want to say if she's the asshole or not before we read this?

Kadunda.

Wait, she did do this.

Am I the asshole for telling my sister she's not allowed to bring?

I think

here's, I'm of two minds.

Because

congrats.

And they both don't work.

Oh, shit.

Because on the one hand,

honesty is always great.

But on the other hand, let someone bring food and then no one eats it.

Well, I feel the same way.

I would not say honesty is always great.

I think that the way you express it is extremely important.

I think that

you're going to bring your inedible bullshit no one ever likes.

I would imagine

that this person writing is the asshole in this case.

I think so too.

I'm just thinking

just to not let someone bring some food that's

a dietary restriction.

Okay, here's one thing, though.

What if the person goes, like, I'll make the mashed potatoes?

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

But she makes them poorly.

But yes, but her expectation is no one else is going to make mashed potatoes.

And then you have a Thanksgiving meal where everyone loves seed mashed potatoes and they're horrible.

Right.

That's probably

because her cooking is ruining the meal is the reason.

So I think that is, maybe you're not an asshole.

You're a potato.

But if someone is someone just goes like, I'm going to bring some mashed potatoes and then you go, great.

And then you talk to someone else and go like, bring some real mashed potatoes.

But it'll be interesting to hear the history because if this is happening enough that the person had to say something, like for the last 2,000 years.

How old are these people that are running?

I mean, these are remorse.

Let's jump into this.

Let's jump into this.

This was from this last Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving dinner is officially over and I genuinely don't know where to start.

I feel like I just lived through a fever dream of culinary chaos and family drama and I need a moment to breathe before I can even process everything.

My cousin and I are heading out for drinks to dissect all of it because honestly, what just happened deserves its own Netflix special.

I'll post photos later when I give home.

Livy, I ask her for writing it like this.

Let me try to give you the rundown.

So my sister showed up earlier than expected, which I should have seen coming.

She came in like a storm, carrying not just her three dishes, but also this giant platter wrapped in foil, which she was clearly trying to make a big deal about.

She immediately started rearranging the table, moving my dishes to the side so hers could could take center stage.

She even brought her own table runner and candles, saying something about setting the mood for a creative dining experience.

I decided not to fight her on it because at this point, I just wanted to get through the night without a blow up.

Her trio experience was, well, let's just say it was everything I feared and more.

She started with a glittery.

By the way, you don't need to let's just say something.

Like, you're already going into so much fucking detail.

Like, give us some detail on this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She started

with a glittery sweet potato mash that somehow managed to taste like a mix of sugar and sand.

The glitter wasn't even edible glitter.

It was craft glitter, which I didn't realize until one of the kids said, this is crunchy, and I looked closer.

Let's not.

Well, then, this is an issue.

This is like, this is the real issue where you go, like, hey, you can't bring food with inedible glitter that's funny.

You can't bring things that are not food and feed it to our children.

Yeah.

Then there was the cranberry and oyster relish.

Yes, oysters and cranberries.

It looked like someone had spilled jam into clam chowder, and the smell alone was enough to make me lose my appetite.

Jam and the clams.

Finally, she brought a pumpkin curry casserole that had raisins in it for some reason, and this weird fishy smell that clung to the air for way too long.

But the piece des résistance was her surprise centerpiece dish, which turned out to be a turkey gelatin mold.

Yes, she took ground turkey, mixed it with some kind of broth and seasonings, and turned it into a wobbly, translucent mold shaped like a turkey.

She even garnished it with parsley and cherry tomatoes to make it festive.

I wish I were kidding.

No one has to eat this, though.

The entire table went silent when she unveiled it, except for my cousin, who immediately started coughing to cover up what I'm pretty sure was a laugh.

Things hit their peak when my mom, who had been defending her the entire time, took one bite of the gelatin mold and just froze.

She didn't say anything, but you can see the regret in her face.

My sister, noticing the lack of enthusiasm, decided to go on this long speech about how Thanksgiving food is too boring and how she's trying to challenge our palates.

She even called my ham and mashed potatoes uninspired, which was rich coming from someone serving glitter sand potatoes.

I mean, this is a person who wants to be a writer who's like testing the waters.

Yeah, right.

The breaking point came when my aunt, who's usually the peacekeeper, tried the gelatin mold and actually gagged.

She tried to be polite about it, but my sister saw her reaction and completely lost it.

She started yelling about how nobody in the family supports her and how we're all stuck in the past with our unoriginal.

She's gonna yell at her about, not the bringing food.

All of you pass on eating it.

She even accused me of sabotaging her dishes by not hyping them up enough to everyone.

At this point, half the table was trying not to laugh.

Miller Hap was just staring at their plates, probably wondering how we got here.

My sister ended up storming out of the house, but not before saying something along the lines of, you'll regret not appreciating my vision when I'm famous.

She left most of her food behind, which my cousin and I quietly threw out after dinner.

Famous for cooking or famous for

the rest of the night actually turned out pretty nice once the tension was drawn.

My dad's emergency ham was a lifesaver, and everyone agreed that next year we're going to have a house.

My dad's emergency ham.

Like, we've established she already made a ham.

So, why did dad have to make an emergency ham?

What I imagine is everyone, this has been going on for a while, and everyone knows that this food is bad.

Right.

And so, the dad has a fucking ham behind glass.

I hoped I never had to do this.

Everyone agreed that next year we're either going to a restaurant or just skipping Thanksgiving altogether.

So now I'm sitting here wondering how this even became my life.

I'll post photos later because you all have to

see the turning gelatin.

I'm wondering how you're aiming my life.

You're about to go out to a drink with someone and you're writing the longest screed.

Yeah, just 45 more minutes.

I'm off to grab a drink or three.

My third draft.

You're nailing it to the wall of a church or something.

I'm off to grab a drink or three with my cousin to laugh, cry over everything that went.

Yeah, you already said that.

This Thanksgiving was truly something else.

And I don't know whether to be relieved or it's over or brace myself for whatever fresh chaos my sister has planned for next year.

Stay tuned for photos.

It's going to be worth it.

That was way too long.

That was way too long.

And I think you are the asshole.

I think you're the asshole.

I think that person is the asshole.

Yeah, I was wrong.

They sound the sister also is an asshole.

I think it's a family of assholes.

It's a family of assholes.

It's a dad with his emergency hand.

Oh, he's the savior.

He's the one.

The mom is an asshole.

Who's the friend going out to drink with this person?

But also, like, the idea that this woman is allowed to make that many things,

yeah.

Who, who, who says, like, hey, come with three dishes?

Here's someone's response was, You're the asshole for faking this.

I was so looking forward to seeing that turkey gelatin mold.

I now have to live my life imagining it, but never seeing it.

May your imaginary sister forever ruin your Thanksgiving.

Basically,

this person never posted pictures.

I don't think so.

I'm looking for them.

Yeah.

A writing exercise for them.

That was annoying.

That wasn't.

You are the asshole.

You are.

The asshole.

All right.

Let's try another one.

Fuck you.

Am I the asshole for pretending?

I'm going to read three.

Am I the asshole for pretending to get fired when customers get a temper with me?

This is kind of funny.

Am I the asshole?

I'm pretending to get fired.

Am I the asshole for suing my neighbor after their kid trespassed and fell into my koi pond?

Interesting.

That sounds like an HBO show.

Nicole Kidman's in it.

Am I the asshole for making a dad joke?

Kind of curious about that.

I'm curious about that.

Because that feels like it could be real.

And you know what?

You are the asshole because

I predict this is going to be like, what?

It was just a joke.

I have an opinion, though, on people saying things are dad jokes.

I don't like the term because now people just say like,

oh, dad jokes, huh?

Whenever it's anything that they, a humorless person.

Yeah.

Right, because it's unfunny.

Like, it's the equivalent of someone going, womp, womp, after you say something.

It's like, oh, you're not funny.

So you're just saying womp womp after.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Well, do you want to do that one or do you want to do koi pond or get pretending to get fired?

Let's do the dad joke one and then with the option to go into koi pond.

Okay.

Notes.

Oh, I want to know about the fired one.

It is a fun.

Okay, let's see though.

So if a customer gets testy with me, then I pretend that I bring over my follow employee and say, act like the manager.

I'm interested in the mechanics of it.

Yeah, I do want to hear that.

Oh, there's like a rating at the top of what people have decided, I think.

But I won't say what it is.

I am a high schooler.

I am a high schooler with a weekend job at a coffee shop.

My coworkers who work weekends are James, the owner's son.

He goes to my school.

He's a shift manager, but he's not a real, it's not a real formal thing and he's a friendly guy.

Danielle, a college student who sometimes works weekends too.

Sounds hot.

So sometimes customers will come in and just be angry about such little stuff, like literally blow up about nothing.

I don't know if they're in a bad mood already and looking for someone to take it out on or what, but it's a lot.

Like how sad.

So you're,

you have to be a grown-ass man taking your anger out in high school and college kids.

So James, how sad do you have to be?

Okay.

So James and I were joking about having a little fun with them and hopefully getting them off our backs.

So one day I was at work and some guy was having a temper about how we don't make the coffee hot enough, which I couldn't do a thing about because I gave it right to him out of the machine.

So James came in and was like, sir, is there a problem here?

And the guy started ranting at him too.

So he was just like, OP, original poster, this is unacceptable.

You're fired.

I started acting real sad.

Like, no, please don't fire me.

My family needs the money.

I need this job.

Please.

And he played up being a hard ass, telling me to take off my apron and leave.

The anger guy started to backtrack, like, it isn't that big of a problem.

You don't need to fire her over it.

I didn't mean it.

And James was like, no, we pride ourselves on the best customer service.

Of course, after all that drama, I still had my job, but we were just acting.

And we've done it a couple of times.

Whenever a customer will lose their temper at Danielle or me, James will storm in and fire us.

I can imagine

the customers would never have the balls to return.

Yeah.

So like they would never walk in a week later and be like, but I thought you were fired because I would be so embarrassed if something I complained about got someone fired that I would never go back to the police.

She says, and almost every time the person who had come in angry will apologize and say they didn't mean it.

It's kind of satisfying making people realize their actions might actually have consequences.

Anyway, I was telling my friends from school about this, and a few of them thought it was a mean prank to let someone go away thinking they'd gotten someone who desperately needs the money fired.

Am I the asshole for this joke?

Nope, you're not.

No, you're not.

I don't know.

You're actually a hero.

I think it's great.

It's like, it's honestly like what you do on Twitter when someone says something mean to you and then you reply and they're like, I actually am your fan.

So, what was the consensus?

This consensus was not the asshole.

Yeah, love it.

Yeah, people liked that.

The people have spoken.

All right.

So, are we going to talk about Koi Pond?

I want to talk about Dad Joke.

Let's talk about all three.

We have time.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's do Dad Joke.

Okay.

I see the rating on this.

I'm curious what's going to happen here.

Note, my stepdaughter, Madeline, was about a year old when I married her mother, Jessica.

Madeline's father died before she was born.

Okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

Madeline's father died before she was born.

Oh, a dad meaning it.

It might be a dad joke,

like a dad joke, like not a dad joke.

Yeah, oh, no.

Madeline's currently 15 and she's rebelling for almost everything.

She did something bad.

So, while picking her up, I set a punishment up for her.

Then she said, You're not my dad.

I don't have to follow you.

Honestly, I got a bit hurt from that, but I understand that she didn't mean it and that she'd probably change.

I just replied, I'm still your legal guardian for the next three years.

And as long as you're in my house, you have to follow my rules.

That happened about two days ago.

So our family was going.

I should say our house.

Okay.

So our family was going grocery shopping when Madeline said, I'm hungry.

I need food.

Look at I need food.

I'm hungry.

I need food, Madeline said.

I decided to be...

Famous quote.

I decided to be extremely cheeky and say, hi, Hungry.

I'm not your dad.

No.

Ah!

Hi, Hungry.

I'm not your dad.

The classic joke isn't even mess.

It's a callback to her being upset.

And how long ago?

So this was...

What was the time in between?

I don't know.

I don't know.

If it's an hour, maybe.

My son just started to laugh uncontrollably.

My daughter was just quiet with embarrassment, and my wife was berating me not to stoop down to her level.

I honestly thought it was a funny dad joke.

It's not a dad joke.

And my son agrees.

Well, I guess it's a dad joke because it's a meta joke.

It's a tie-hungry.

Yes.

It's a metadata.

My son agrees.

So am I the asshole?

Edit, I did adopt her.

So legally, I am her parent because I guess people ask about that.

That's nice.

Mini update.

I'll probably give a full update later, but here's what happened so far.

I go to my daughter's room after dinner and begin talking with her.

Hey, I'm really sorry that I hurt you by the words I said.

And I am really your dad.

I changed your diapers.

I met your boyfriend, and I plan on helping you through college.

Hopefully, not on the same year.

And plus, I'm legally your dad.

Was that what he said?

Or is that?

No, I really.

Plus, I'm legally your dad.

So we're stuck together.

But seriously, I'm going to love you like my daughter, even if you don't think I'm your dad.

Then I hugged her.

She did start to cry.

I assume that's good.

The consensus on here,

or will you want to vote whether you think about it?

I think, look, we all say stupid stuff or whatever.

I like that he went and apologized.

Yeah, I feel like that was just like a bat, a foot and mouth kind of thing.

Yeah, I mean, the thing is, it's like you do want, you want to be sensitive.

If you're a kid, you

expect more from an adult.

Yeah, and I don't think he should say it.

I don't think he should ever make a joke about not really being someone's dad.

Yeah, that's a sense.

That's a dicey one.

Yeah.

Everyone sucks is apparently the consensus on this one.

I forgot that was a thing.

Everyone involved in this story?

Everyone sucks.

No, not the kids.

I don't think the kids are awesome.

That's a hard.

That's a tough thing.

The kids being a kid.

Yeah.

Okay, we'll do the last one.

15.

Jesus Christ.

The The mom, though, shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

Okay, the question is.

For raiding your man in public.

Am I the asshole for suing my neighbor after their kid trespassed and fell into my koi pond?

I, 22-year-old man, already I go, you're an asshole.

You're an asshole.

You're a 22-year-old man with a koi pond.

And you're suing, and you're suing someone for falling into.

Fuck off!

I, 22M, have a koi pond in my backyard.

It's not just any koi pond.

It's a full-blown, professionally designed Japanese garden with a bridge, waterfalls, and koi.

You're the awesome.

You're the all-koi that costs more than my car.

I'm talking $1,000 for a single fish.

What the fuck?

Maintaining this pond.

$1,000 for a fish.

Get the fuck out of here.

Maintaining this pond is my pride and joy.

Get rid of those fish and get a nicer car.

Well, he has a bunch of fish that equal the price of the car.

Oh, let's see.

I think my boy still.

I've put years into this hobby since the year.

Years, you're 22.

You fucking fuck you fuck.

And my yard is securely fenced with no trespassing signs everywhere.

Oh, that's that actually weirdly is a legally a big point.

Like if you have a no trespassing sign, we we had to put several up for like in the condo that I used to live in because we had skaters like skating off of our stairs.

And people were like, well, if you don't have a no trespassing sign, they don't like legally, they don't know that they can't do this or whatever.

So like the minute you put up a sign, we had to put one up on our gate back there just for legal reasons of like so you're on his side so far.

Well, I'm just no, I'm not on his side.

I'm just saying that he has no trespassing signs.

That's an important

thing that I was looking for.

You gotta put up that sign.

Enter my neighbor, Karen.

Fake name.

Karen was a son.

Let's call him Timmy, 8M, who is notorious for wandering into other people's yards uninvited.

I've talked to Karen multiple times about this, but she just brushes it off with kids will be kids.

Last week, while I was out running errands, I got a frantic call from Karen.

Apparently, Timmy climbed over my fence to feed the fish, quote unquote, even though I have explicitly told him to stay out.

In doing so, he slipped, fell into the pond, and destroyed part of my carefully maintained ecosystem.

Several of my prized koi died due to stress, and the filtration system was damaged because of the debris Timmy kicked in.

Luckily, Timmy wasn't seriously hurt, just a few scrapes.

But Karen has been demanding I pay for his medical bills.

What?

She claims my pond is an attractive nuisance and that I should have had a cover or something to prevent kids from falling in.

That's what people call me.

Well, I argue that one is a private fenced property.

But do they live in an area where a fence would be legally necessary?

That's you know what I mean?

Like you know how

no a fence around the koi pond.

The koi pond.

This is a question I have because in California, if you have a pool, you're supposed to have a fence around the pool.

No matter whether you have kids or not.

Whether you have kids or not because

if someone

even breaks into your house and drowns, if a burglar drowns in your pool, or an inch, or an animal.

I argue that one, it's a private fenced property, and two, her son had no business being there in the first place.

When I refused to pay, Karen lost it and started bad-mouthing me to the whole neighborhood, calling me a heartless and terrible person.

Wow.

I've since filed a lawsuit against her for the cost of the koi, the damage to my filtration system, and the repairs to my pond over $5,000 in total.

Okay, let me guess what actually is going on.

His pond

was going to break anyway, and he's just like adding this to the lawsuit to make it seem like a real lawsuit.

And what he's really mad about is the bad-mouthing part.

I feel like this woman, her son, who's eight, climbing over fences and falling into water, that's a very dangerous problem.

It is.

That's on her.

That's on her, yeah.

It's on her.

I mean, to tell, make sure he understands he can't do that.

He's eight years old.

He's old enough to.

There's no reason this guy should be paying medical bills.

no but i don't think that this woman should pay five thousand dollars no i think that's what i think is i think he's annoyed with her like no of course this is your problem then she goes around bad mouthing everyone so he hikes up his supposed damage i don't think there's any damage to his pond i actually don't think i think i don't think those fish died of stress yeah they were gonna die anyway yeah and so i think he's an asshole for suing i don't think he's an asshole for not paying

uh medical i agree yes i agree how do do we level it up?

Well, it sounds like you just had a few scrapes, so it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.

Yeah, medical bills.

Yeah, what are these medical bills?

I'm going to sum up the people's opinion here, but I do see a lot of people saying you're not the asshole and this woman should have been watching her child because it's very dangerous.

That said,

should he have a fence around this koi pond?

No, because it's within his own backyard.

If you have to climb a fence to get to that, no, but that's just that's what I'm saying with the pull.

It's like, how deep is this pond?

How deep is this pond?

How deep is your pond?

All right, let's get it.

My boyfriend died of stress.

Let's get to it for this episode.

Paul, tell us a listening.

Tell us about hackclaims8.com.

I want to tell you about hackclaims8.com.

It's the famous website that you already know about.

Go there and leave us a voicemail.

We will answer that voicemail on our three meme episodes that we release from, well, we release them behind the paywall.

Yeah.

They're behind the paywall.

They are behind the paywall, and we release them every other

Wednesday.

Unless you pay them every other Wednesday.

Wednesday.

You can get these by, and you can get all of our episodes ad-free if you subscribe at cbbworld.com.

Yeah, that's true.

You can also get the three meme episodes if you're a Liminada Premium member.

That's also true.

And then on Tuesdays, if you want to hear one of our older episodes and you don't want to subscribe, we do three visiting at the twos where we re-release

on the twos, whatever.

And Paul, it's May 15th.

Where are you?

Well, let me tell you something.

It's the Ides of May, and by this point, I should be home.

Let me just.

More shows after this?

Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh, yeah, baby.

May 15th.

Yeah, I got back from Atlanta five days ago, had a great time.

Wow.

And then at the end of the month, I'll be heading out to Fairfield, Connecticut on the 30th.

And then Westerly, Rhode Island, then Homer, New York, then Albany, New York.

Wow.

The people of Homer and Albany demanded it.

Portland, Oregon, Seattle, and Vancouver.

These are great shows.

Variah Turpia.

You got to see the show live.

You got to see it live.

You got to see it live.

It's got everything.

And I have nothing going on, and neither does Laura.

I'm just doing whatever I want.

Yep.

And we'll see you next time.

Bye.

Bye.

Hey, it's Lena Waith.

Legacy Talk is my love letter to black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us.

This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Belicia Rashad, Loretta Devine, Ava Duvernay, and more.

We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day.

Come be a part of the conversation.

Season two drops July 29th.

Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast or watch us on YouTube.

Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.

We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.

So, this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.

Uncared for Season 3 from Lemonada Media, available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.