Threevisiting: I Get It, I'm Doctor Strange
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I'll see you in your dreams.
Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?
Yeah.
And look at us now.
Like, we're all grown up.
We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff, and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye.
But for the most part, it's about you.
I mean, it's always been about you.
From Lemonada Media, a live with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube.
Freedom!
Freedom!
Did you catch that I was doing old school sort of
character play?
Well, not character play, but like animation.
Like,
I'm big in Lunatoons.
I do a lot of voice on music.
I left them.
I left.
That's an interesting interp.
But what I was doing was, you remember how when they, with a song, if they wanted to like jazz it up a little bit, they would take something that already existed and they would either speed it up or slow it down.
Yeah, like what?
Give us one example.
Like freedom.
And then I sped it up and I went, freedom, freedom, freedom, freedom.
What if we put freedom onto existing songs?
Everybody dance now.
Kevin's loving.
Kevin's bopping along.
He loves it.
Kevin just texted us.
I've never actually heard a song, and that was really good.
Is this what song is?
Well, welcome to Threedom.
This is what Freedom is.
Definitely.
Yeah.
Two and a half people going nuts.
This is what freedom means to me.
Wait a minute.
Wait, we want to call you and a half person.
Maybe I'm not a half person because I'm a woman.
She was a two plus half person.
I'm a woman.
Why is that song so funny?
Someone crazy.
From Let's Go, Girls.
To that riff, which is hilarious.
It's camp.
It is kind of camp, isn't it?
Yeah, oh, it's camp.
A man, shirt, shorts, skirts.
Everything about it.
It's really funny to me.
Did you see Harry
come out with Harry Styles?
I saw clips of that.
I saw a clip, but I didn't click it.
Why didn't you click on the clip?
Because I was just like, can't do this right now, can't do this right now.
So 10 more times,
then I forgot.
Seeing there is a clip is almost the same as watching it.
I felt it were under solid.
You get what happened.
When I see a movie poster, I'm like, I got it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If I see the idea of a tweet.
You're saying you're Doctor Strange when you see a movie poster?
Yeah.
I look at a movie poster and I'm like, I get this.
I'm Doctor Strange.
Sorry, Lily.
No, I don't care.
We hate to talk over you laura we hate you no you don't know you didn't
cannot start apologizing to each other don't even bother who gives a
who gives one who gives a flying a tiny little could you crackle your bottle more into the microphone that was great welcome to freedom on
a roaring fire hi it's raining oh my gosh
fire is raining down
this is scott waking up on a rainy day next to cool up he's just sitting there for a long time she finally opens her eyes eyes and he goes, hi, it's raining.
It's raining.
Speaking of sleeps,
lately,
tell me.
Oh, my God.
I slept horribly last night.
Before you even get into your story and before I hear about that, what happened with your sleep study?
Did they review your results?
Yeah.
Here's the thing.
Between the time I booked the sleep study and the time the sleep study actually happened, I lost a lot of weight.
And so I was no longer having the issues that I was having, which I kind of knew as I got there at 10 p.m.
And he's putting the stickers on me.
And you're like, this is the weirdest room I've ever been in.
Yeah, I was like,
my sleep has actually been okay lately.
Oh, and it was he like, get out of here, you nut.
No, I said that internally to my mind.
Oh, so you just said it to my mind.
So you think you might as well see what happened.
I did the sleep study.
It was fine.
There were no issues.
You were like asleep the whole time.
They were like, so you're just one of those creeps who wants to come be watched.
And whoa, whoa, whoa, come on.
Wait a minute.
Why were you jerking off?
Okay, wait.
And so you slept horribly last night.
And also, what about sleep?
I've been waking up in the middle of the night lately
because my house is on fire.
I will be having a dream and then I will start talking in my sleep.
But like, I know the secrets that you keep.
It's a weird...
When I'm talking in my sleep.
Yeah, I know them.
That's such a funny idea.
Secrets.
First of all, I wouldn't tell the person.
I'd be be like, I know the secret.
I know, that's what would make some secrets.
But the fact that when you're talking in your sleep,
I hear the secrets that you keep.
I hear the secrets that you keep.
When you're talking and you're sleeping,
I go to sleep, sleep, sleep.
Betty boozey, belly, boozy.
Betty boozy.
Tiny little baby.
Baby, sleep.
I love songs like that that have a sort of nursery rhyme cadence.
Got another text from Kevin.
That is song two?
No, song two is
that's a good song.
Also, Crumbelievable is a good song.
Yeah, you're crumblievable.
I love thinking of a band like that when that gets licensed, and they're like, okay.
You know, you just go, whatever.
Yeah.
I mean, they're all like 20-year-olds when that came out.
Yeah.
Okay, wait.
So,
it's free money, weasel.
The weasel.
The polyshore.
And Cinema.
Cinemax.
You couldn't stop waking up.
I wake up
speaking.
No, no, no.
I'm like saying a thing.
But here's the weird part.
And sometimes I'll sit up.
It's like I'm living the dream in real life.
Yeah.
And I'll say something, but I'm weirdly immediately conscious that I am in my bedroom and Janie is there sleeping.
And so I speak out loud, but I do it in like a quiet voice.
What did you say?
And then I sort of wake up all the way.
Well, it'll just be, it's mundane things.
It's like I'm talking to somebody in the dream.
The pickles in the jar.
And then I'll wait.
That's not mundane to me.
Those pickles need to be in that jar.
The door is locked.
Yeah, it's like shit like that.
Yeah.
Like, thank you for coming.
I'll see you later.
Like, whatever.
That's what you say to Janie after sex.
Thank you.
Scott?
I'll see you later.
I do say I'll see you later.
I say that there every time.
I'll see you later.
I'll see you later.
Oh, my God.
Can we talk about the show last night?
Yes.
Last night I met someone I hadn't met before.
A competitive feud.
I knew he was going to say this.
I get very competitive.
We
did a show called Comedians.
Comedian Feud, which is Family Feud with teams of comedians.
I love games, and I do get very competitive.
And I think that's the fun of games, personally.
Oh, I think the games are just fun.
Oh,
I knew Paul was getting annoyed by me.
I was not, I was not annoyed.
Okay, good, good.
I was, I kind of, because you, you, you displayed it early on, like backstage.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I was like, oh, okay.
Yeah.
And it was fun watching you try to not appear competitive.
Like you would, like on your, you were trying to control your face.
I did try to pull it back a few times because I want everyone to be competitive.
I want, I like the energy when people are all wanting to win.
But then I was like, when you're doing a comedy show, like we found this out with the match game stuff we were doing, when you're doing the comedy show, like three-quarters of the comedians will not care at all and only
care about if they're getting laughs.
Totally.
They care about gameplay.
I felt like everybody cared.
During I felt like people were trying to get.
No, people didn't want to win, but I have many examples in my life of getting very competitive, especially with people I don't really know.
And then it's like too much.
I think it's really fun, but
I later will wonder, oh, did they think that was annoying?
Because I don't care in the moment and I just like having fun.
And to me, that is like the joy of the game.
It's like, I want to beat you.
Right.
Pull up makes fun of me for the way I play.
What is it called?
No, no, that's just fun.
But
what's the one where,
you know, like there's murder.
Oh, oh, mafia.
Yeah, mafia.
Yeah.
Because like, I, I'm super competitive to the point where I will, I'll, if I'm not mafia, I will say, look, here's the thing.
I'm never going to lie to you.
I am not mafia.
And if I am mafia, I promise to say I'm mafia.
And then I'll actually do it.
When I'm mafia, I'll go.
Oh, you, I think you did when we were in Hawaii.
Oh, Nora did it for sure.
Oh, yeah.
That was Nora's fire.
That was very competitive.
Nora did not seem to be competitive.
She was like, once out of the game.
My thing is, I'd rather, like, I don't, I get so competitive, I'll just like lie to take everyone down.
Like, in a game like that, like, I'm like, I know that he's in the mafia because I saw this that ends like not true at all.
Like, I'll just like.
There really is nothing more satisfying than I saw him open his eyes when you
elude being named Mafia and you've been mafia the whole time and everyone always votes each other out.
Yeah, there's nothing more satisfying.
There's nothing like it.
I discovered on that trip that I like to be the
like the narrator
of the thing.
It's really fun to play.
You're good at that.
I think it's really fun, but also to watch it being played is more fun to me than playing it.
Oh, that makes total sense.
And then you have the bird's eye view of who's what and what like i kind of like when i get eliminated early and then i can watch everybody else and i have the knowledge of what it is of who's yeah it's fun can we talk about some of the the answers on family feud because family feud's like the funniest show and like the they poll 100 people and get the most popular answers and the answers are always so weird but also what's funny is that sometimes the answer has only been said by four people or something so it's like well that's not really an answer but the question well there were a couple that i thought were really fun one was what's something you don't want to find in your lover or your spouse's pocket?
Poop.
Well,
okay.
Not on there.
Which is weird because I would not like that.
What's your next guess?
If you had to ask the number of people.
Oh, okay, like condom.
Yeah, that was the number.
Condom was up there.
Which I did guess.
Yeah.
Condom phone number.
Which I did guess.
It was the number one answer.
Someone else's phone number.
Yep, that was up there.
That was up there.
I guess that.
That was the number two answer.
Yeah, there you go.
And that's great.
Pocket rocket.
That's what I'm saying.
Pocket rocket.
Excuse you.
But then there were some that were like so weird.
Like, so Stephanie Alan was on my team, and she's so funny.
And she always has, she always has a different perspective on things than anyone else.
And you never know what she's going to say.
That's why I think she's like one of the funniest people.
But in the game, so then it was her turn, and she's like, trash, gum wrappers.
No, she was like, gum wrappers, tissue.
Then they said you have to get more specific.
And she went, any kind of trash.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's even less specific.
And then on the
widening out, yeah.
And that didn't count.
That got an X, but then on the leaderboard or whatever, or whatever it's called, the scoreboard, there was a category that basically, it was like used tissue or something, which I was like, why don't you want to use tissue?
She didn't say tissue.
I fucked up.
Why?
Fucked up.
Why would someone not want to find a used tissue?
I mean, it's like, I guess it's annoying in the laundry.
Well, I guess it's just gross.
Like it's like used as a condom.
Yeah.
No, or a gist rag.
No, I think
people's pockets.
That person is like,
you know, imagining a universe where they're going through people's pockets to take stuff out of there to put it in the laundry or something like that.
And it's like, oh, God, I got a gross, like, used tissue on my hand.
Exactly.
You know what I mean?
So it's just people interpreting the question.
Then later, my team played against an audience team, and the question.
We were busy being loud backstage during that portion.
Yeah, which I'm sure was actually more fun, possibly.
It was a lot of fun, but I was kind of thinking while we were back there, like, I bet they can hear us.
I actually didn't notice that.
Janie, in the audience, said we could hear you.
Oh, well, I didn't notice it.
I was too busy focusing on the game, but
and losing to the audience.
I did lose.
That time I did.
But the question was: what's something you say to your lover that you also say to your dog?
Oh,
sit, kneel.
Open your mouth.
I'll see you later.
Thanks for coming.
I'll see you later.
Well,
the guy on the other team was the first one to guess and he said, good girl.
And then that was number one, good girl slash good boy.
And then our team said, come and it was on there.
I was like, this is sick.
This is sickness.
But you know what?
River Butcher made an interesting point, which I never thought about it this way before, that the poll might not be, I'm going to ask you a question, you just give me the answer that comes to your mind.
It might be like a multiple choice thing where they write down a bunch of things and then say, which of these do you think is
thinking?
I think it's because some of these things are fucking weird.
Because you know why it doesn't add up to a hundred all the time is because like they don't accept any answers.
It's just like either one or two people saying something.
So there are, you know, there are times when someone just says, like, one person says something crazy
and they don't, you know, put it in.
So that's why I believe it's not multiple choice.
But okay, so like for the what don't you want to find in people?
But like the dog thing, nobody's saying good girl.
I think a hundred people say that when they fuck.
Good girl.
Good girl.
Good boy.
Good girl.
But the
treat.
That was on there, too.
The puppies said, want treat.
No one says that.
I said hungry/slash want to treat.
That's fucking ridiculous.
The other thing they do is if there are enough similar ones, they combine them into one thing.
So it's not the wording.
Yeah.
But I mean, it's like asking asking your partner if they're hungry is not the same thing as asking a dog if they want to treat you.
But if your partner's wearing a collar and a leash and you only see the button of a bone.
Keep talking.
Well, also, you want to treat is sometimes you can say it like dessert.
Like, hey, you want a treat tonight?
No, no.
It's not.
No one has ever said that.
I don't think people are saying that to other human beings.
Do you want to treat?
I'm going to say it every day to cool.
I go, one treat to make it true.
My theory.
And then you will crumble the dust.
I go like this.
One treat.
Want treat.
That's what I was like.
Hungry?
Hungry?
One treat.
What were the other ones?
Oh, like the dogs that they step on the little buttons to
say things.
One was, I love you, and one was, you're so cute.
Go to bed.
Those are the only two that work.
Those make sense, yeah.
Go to bed.
Go to bed.
Go to bed.
We say that.
I mean, not, I don't say it all the best to cool off.
Go to bed.
Go to bed.
You're tired.
You're tired and you're not having a bad thing.
We say to our dogs.
Do you want to go out inside and pee?
That's what you say?
No, I'm asking you right now.
Oh, yeah.
You want to go to the park?
Together?
Do you want to go to the park?
Yeah, that's something that you say to both.
Absolutely.
And I'll go to the park.
I always say these things.
But then I take Jamie to the vet.
And they chop off her balls.
Good stuff.
Anyway, it was really fun.
It was really fun.
I could have played that.
I could have played all night.
Yeah, Jaquees Neal, who hosted and and put it together, he's terrific.
Lauren and I got to assemble our teams.
I had Beth Stelling, Otsko, Solomon Giorgio, River Butcher, and that's it because I'm the number five.
I was panicking that I forgot somebody.
And I had Joey Greer, Stephanie Allen,
Arden Maureen, and Lauren Ashley Smith.
And it was a very, very fun.
It was a fun group of people.
It was a great group.
And they also, yeah, you mentioned that Solomon said we should be playing.
Yeah.
We should be doing stuff like this more.
Like, comedians should be doing more stuff.
The only thing is, it was very involved.
Like, I was like, there was a lot of preparation for this game.
Well, the match game stuff we used to do, yeah, it was very involved.
Jimmy had to do the brunt of the work.
Jimmy Bardo hosted, but also.
So it's always somebody's got to do that, but not us.
As long as I don't have to do it, I want to show up for you.
Yeah, exactly.
I think we should be doing it all the time, and somebody should be responsible for it.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Interesting.
They would really have to dumb down the questions with
Yeah, for you, I guess.
But I mean, no, because you probably want the questions to be able to be set ups for like jokes a bit more, too, because it have to be funny.
Yeah.
Like, you'd have to blow some of your answers on joking.
What are the games that would be best suited to comedy?
This I thought was good, Family Feud, because there's room around Hollywood Squares, of course.
The way I don't want to build that set, though.
Hollywood or Family Feud is so funny with how you're getting ready to say your answer and the answers are dumb.
So it's like, and that's naturally funny.
And then you can riff off of that before you get it.
There's a lot of room around the gameplay to have fun.
Well, Hollywood Squares and Match Game are both the same where you can say a joke answer first and then go, no, no, no.
My real answer is whatever, you know, to help the person out there.
We should do Hollywood Squares.
And then how do we get in the squares?
We could do it at my place where everyone just like it's three stories and everyone just yells out one window.
That sounds cute.
That actually would be really fun.
Do you know what?
We should market this.
And if you want us to come to your house, if you have a house that's appropriate for this, we will come to your house.
Three-story house.
Nine windows.
Nine windows.
Or a garage can be one of them.
Or no, the outside.
You could sit on the floor.
You could sit on the ground outside and then two windows above.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
They just have to be higher than someone sitting down.
If you want us to come, we'll do it for free.
Look, we'll travel anywhere.
Well, for free?
We'll pay for travel.
On that set, where was the host and the contestants?
They were like off to the side were they up were they raised up a little bit were they like in the mid level with the middle of the no no they were kind of level with the bottom level hmm wild wild stuff when i think about it it makes me crazy
it would be very strange if they were as high as the top level yeah looking down at people yeah yeah yeah yeah
um yeah let's do it let's uh let's do it tomorrow
actually i recently played a hundred thousand dollar pyramid which will be airing at some point yes i'm so jealous jealous because that's the one show that I've wanted to go on forever.
And they ask you and they never ask me because
I am not in movies.
I feel like that one could be very easy.
But I was going to say that one could work because it's
you just need the titles of the thing.
Yeah.
Someone could easily make that.
Yeah, but we have the board game, too, that we would do.
Oh.
Yeah, the home game, as they used to call it.
But I think
you need the screen with the thing so that the audience can watch the titles.
And then when you're playing the game and they can only see one side, you know, yeah, and you need somebody going, huh, huh, huh.
What is that?
That's the time ticking down.
Yeah.
Can you be the clock?
I thought that was a famous clip for
someone giving a clue, just going, huh?
I was like, I don't know this reference, but I'm enjoying it.
For every category, noises.
I would like to watch you do that, though, very
seriously.
Would you be able to not laugh?
Yeah.
Cool.
That's impressive.
I I wouldn't.
Jimmy Pardo and I used to
tape the pyramid
and then
he would face
it was Kevin's hand.
Jimmy, you don't like it.
And he would, he would have his back to the TV and I would have it on mute and I would like do the clues one at a time and try to, you know, just practice for the day that we ended up on pyramid and neither of us.
Well, because when you do it, they do a practice round with you in like a little room beforehand.
And that was so fun.
It was really fun.
It's at the airport, right?
Like where they interrogate people?
Yeah, I kept saying, like, this is a game show, right?
Can I put my clothes back on?
Things I want to put back on.
My clothes.
I'll wear clothes for the actual show, right?
Oh, good stuff.
I can't wait to see you on the pyramid.
You've been on Millionaire.
I would love to do that.
You've been on Pyramid.
I've been on Pyramid.
I literally said to my agent
when I got off the Comedy Bang Bang TV show, they were like, Holly, okay.
You're finally available to do stuff.
What kind of TV shows do you want to do?
I said, can you just get me on Pyramid?
Yeah.
I mean, get on.
No, I can't get on.
All right, I'm sorry.
Who hosts it?
Oh, Michael Strahan, you said.
Yeah, he was great.
He's very nice.
And I was thinking, like, he's a host on, like, or he was on Kelly and Michael for about a while.
And I'm like, that prepares you for anything yeah you can roll with anything I mean really
because you're talking live on TV every morning about nothing to the most boring people I actually okay I guess you know what
so sue me I enjoy that kind of sue me so I'll see you in court
your honor you can't wait for discovery can you
oh my god I can't wait
secrets that you keep is anybody watching the the staircase I haven't started yet but I'm really excited.
My friend, I've never seen my original either.
Honestly.
Check out that makeup.
Skip the fucking thing and just watch the original.
Watch the original, yeah.
Yeah.
Nothing is more compelling than that.
Well,
you haven't seen the original.
It's more compelling.
I just said,
guess what?
He told me.
You have to watch that.
But I do want to watch the show because I think I haven't watched the original in a long time, so I'm excited.
In a long time, man.
A long time.
Taffy series is lonely, lonely, lonely.
It's so good.
Colin Firth is doing a better job than I thought he would.
Right?
What?
I think they put it on Netflix.
HBO Mox.
Whatever, man.
It's available as what I'm trying to do.
Whatever, man.
Can I say this?
This came up last night.
The gall of them to make that Joe versus Carol thing when it's like...
So, wait, he fights a volcano and then Carol?
Yeah.
Spoiler, he wins against the TV show about the thing.
Yeah, the dramatization of it.
But no one watched it.
It's like, what were you guys thinking?
They green lit it when it was like everyone was talking about that for that moment.
Yeah, it came up right.
Or they started making it right when it was.
We all watched watched it, and we all regretted watching it, and we agreed we would not talk about it again.
The one I liked, though, was uh, the all I can think of is Dragon Ball Z.
What's the skateboarding one?
Dragon Ball Z.
What is it?
Z Boys, Dog Town and Z-Boys, Dog Town and Z-Boys.
I saw the fictionalized version of that first and thought it was great, and then went back and watched the documentary and thought that was great too.
And I was like, they're equally good.
But then people who did the reverse were like, What's the point of this?
That's kind of the camp that I'm in.
That now
I am so camp.
The definition of camp?
Simoi.
The trend of
them just making a dramatized version of all these true crime things just feels like it's not what I don't know.
It's fun to see people dress up, though, isn't it?
I think that's worn off for me anyway.
Really?
It's like the novelty of seeing people play these real life people is like
Sinatra in the offer.
I'm actually enjoying the offer.
I'm enjoying the offer.
I caught up on it.
Paul and I were texting because I knew he was watching it.
And I was 20 minutes in, going, this is terrible, right?
And Paul was like, no, I like it.
So I kept with it.
I haven't seen that.
And, but the Sinatra guy is ludicrous.
There are so many people in this thing that were in Band of Brothers that it has to be intentional.
Okay, it has to be like.
It has to be intentional.
Couldn't they have gotten Connor Ratliff in?
Letlift.
Connel Latliff.
Hey, I'm Sinatra.
Get out of here.
I don't like you making this movie about me, chum.
That was a really good impression.
That's of the guy on the offer.
I thought it was Connor if he was on the show.
No,
I didn't know where it was coming from.
Yeah, they should have had Connor Ratliff as Sinatra.
It was blue eyes.
It would have been exactly like the guy.
From dead eyes to blue eyes.
Oh, God.
We have to take a break.
We'll be right back.
I don't care.
It's back to school season.
School season, little boys and girls.
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Cooler temps are rolling in.
Dude, doo da.
And as always, Quince is where I'm turning for fall staples that actually last from cashmere to denim to boots.
I'm seeing you so furious.
I'm mad, but I'm getting happier.
The quality holds up, and the price still blows me away.
Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.
Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.
I got to ask you about their denim.
Okay, well, their denim's durable and it fits right.
What about leather jackets?
They are real and they bring that clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.
Sounds good.
What makes Quince different?
Hey, everyone.
Oh, hey, well, they partner directly with ethical factories and skip the middlemen.
So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.
Can I hear some personal experience from you?
Because I'm still a little skeptical for some reason.
Well, one of my favorite pieces from Quince is their 100% Merino Wool All-Season Short-Sleeve Tea.
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Now, I've been wearing mine so much, I just ordered one in another color.
I want to keep it classic and cool this fall.
Do you have any suggestions?
You should do that with long-lasting staples from Quince.
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How do you spell it?
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There's so much advice out there, and all we want to do as parents is get it right.
The great news is you're the expert on your child, and sometimes figuring out what they need is as simple as getting them to talk.
I'm Dr.
Susan Swick, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, and I'm also a mother of four.
On my new podcast, Talk Aboutable, I'll hear from parents about what's keeping them up at night, and we'll figure out how to tackle it by talking about it.
From Lemonada Media, Talk Aboutable is at September 9th.
Follow wherever you get your podcasts.
And we're back.
We're back talking about secrets.
By the way.
We've talked about recurring dreams before, right?
Yes.
I've been having those.
Again, the same house that I'm trying to flip and all that.
I've been having them lately about...
Before I learned to drive, I rode my bike all over L.A.
Yeah.
And I had...
Classic story of you riding on the sidewalk.
And I had a basket with a dog in it.
And
what was the story again?
You almost hit someone.
We've already told this story.
On this podcast?
Yes, we have.
Tell it to me again.
I want to hear it, Dad.
Tell it again.
We love it.
I was riding my bicycle.
I was riding my bicycle on the streets.
When I saw an old man's feet.
When I saw an old man's feet.
Am I the old man?
You look down.
For the first time.
Oh, no, those are my feet.
Hey, my feet.
Of course, I ride my bike barefoot.
I'm famous for it.
That hurts.
I was.
Do you ever have to move your car and you don't put shoes on?
Yeah, and it feels very weird.
You ever do an errand without shoes?
No, that's weird.
Like, you're just going.
You live in the bank.
Just to pick something up at someone's house or something like that.
And you're just driving like a mile or whatever.
That's too far to go.
That's honestly crazy.
That's too far to go.
Because I always think about it, because I'm like, even if I'm just wearing sandals, I'm like, what if I get arrested for whatever?
No shoes.
Have you ever left the house without your
driver's license?
And it feels very dangerous.
I always feel like it's crazy.
And I feel like Mike's always like, oh, it's not that weird.
And I'm like, no, that's like, this is going to be the time when you mean I didn't have one for years.
This is the thing that people say you're allowed to do this.
You'd just be like, oh, yeah, I don't have it on me.
They go, you know, get it next time.
So, yeah, it's like
we are all white here.
So
this is a warning.
So stay in your car, put your hands anywhere you like.
So you were
riding a bike, you saw some guy.
No.
I saw a guy with little feet.
When I was riding down the street,
I was on Franklin.
I was headed towards
the UCB, I think.
Beautiful town.
And as I was pedaling along on the sidewalk, somebody was coming out of a doorway on the street with a little dog.
And they like kind of, I was going a little too fast, and they were coming out very fast.
I'm going to get you and your little dog.
I fucking, ignoring, I fucking slammed on the brakes and like, you know, slashed around.
Oh, no.
And this, this
candy stand.
This young.
It's a fruit stand.
Don't crash into this window.
This young
guys, oh, they're still mad at me.
Candy oil.
I just spilled it.
So this young woman with her dog, she yelled at me, said, you're not allowed to drive.
You're not allowed to ride your bike on the sidewalk.
And I fucking stopped and I said, you're not allowed to walk around with your dog off the leash.
And then she went, are you pulloff talking?
I love doing this week ever.
Yes, hi there.
I love this story because I forgot how it went.
Yeah.
That's the last time I'm telling you.
By the way, I thought that you also like...
What I remember from the original telling was that you rode a little bit and then turned around and came back and yelled at her.
Was that not the case?
No, there's probably, I like kept going and then she yelled at and I stopped.
And then you came back to her.
Yeah, yeah.
Great.
Well, I i know you yelled i didn't like turn around
just like use your feet on the sidewalk
dog out no leash
can't get a rope on that dog when i say people walking their dog without leash on franklin and stuff like that it's stressful it's so stress and i i was uh i was pulling in here the other day just the other day and um i i started to make the turn into the parking lot and there was a dog off leash and the dog started coming to the car, and I just put on the brakes.
Minutes later,
dog on leash.
And the owner looked at me like I was crazy for stopping in the middle of the street in case the dog gets in the middle of the street.
You know, like
my dog doesn't do that.
You're crazy for stopping in the street
when my dog is off the leash.
We did it.
We have to end the podcast right now.
That was really good.
We're never going to beat it.
Thank you for coming, guys.
Thank you later.
Thank you for listening.
Feel
Wait, what the fuck?
Oh, so my recurring dream now
is that I am, because my bike was only, it was a cruiser bike, it didn't have any speed.
So
it was really fun to ride around.
But when I had to go back home,
it was all uphill because I lived in Beachwood Canyon.
Stupid.
So you, so all, so so this is that dream.
This is your past.
That was my past.
And my recurring dream is I am far from home.
Oh.
I have to not only ride my bike home, but it's all uphill.
And I'm like carrying stuff.
Oh, no.
It's incredibly stressful.
And then this is a new one that I've been having lately where I am
in, I'm at a studio, like one of the studios in town, and I can't get out.
Like every turn I take is not the exit of the studio.
Last night, the one I had, it was so fucking stressful where there were multiple things stopping me along the way.
Like somebody, like I had to fill out some kind of form or something like that.
But you couldn't remember the numbers, right?
Yeah, it was, it was, it was maddening.
It was maddening.
I've now had two
stress dreams about the tour.
That hasn't started yet?
That hasn't started, yes.
One is.
One was, yes.
And one, one was,
oh, I haven't booked anyone for tonight's show.
No guests.
And then the other one one was, oh no, I haven't recorded enough podcasts before I leave.
That's stressful stuff, that's stressful stuff, man.
It's unrelatable.
Isn't it relatable to all of you people out there?
Do you have stress, like repetitive stress?
Of course, I do.
I also often have the actor's nightmare.
Yes, I have ah, yeah.
I had a crazy one where it was like basically Hamilton, and I was in it, and I was like, so panicked.
What's weird about the when I have that these days is like before it was like, oh shit, I haven't gotten the script yet.
Okay, we'll keep the script off stage.
I'll go take peeks in between, you know, and now it's just like, I have that dream sometimes.
It's like, oh, the script isn't here.
And I go, it'll be fine.
Like, well, like, I'll just improv around it.
Yeah, that'll be really good in the show.
But you feel that way.
But I feel that way in the dream of like, I don't need to stress about that.
That's nice.
That means something positive, I'm sure.
I've been having dreams where they're just so vivid that I want to go back into them.
And like today, I was zoning out and Mike was like, are you depressed?
And I was like, no, I'm actually thinking about my dream and wishing that I was inside it, which maybe is depressing, but it sounds good to me.
Sound horrible.
I just liked my dream.
I hate this reality.
Are you depressed?
I saw you looking off into space.
Are you depressed?
One of those things you say to your dog and your partner.
And
in my dream, I had this like elaborate sort of basement den in my house, and it was like
carpeted and like had cool stairs.
Yeah, I know.
I need it.
And I was just like,
I liked being in it.
And then I was picturing myself being in it.
I had a dream like that where it was a stage
that had all this, like, it had like trees and greenery growing out of it.
And it looked so cool.
And I woke up and I was like, I want it to be real so bad.
Yeah, I know.
I hate when stuff's not real that you picture in your mind.
I don't like when I make a thing up and it's not real.
I agree.
Yeah.
A lot of people feel that way.
What I noticed this morning trying to get back to sleep is that
I can't.
If I pretend to be someone else, I thought you were gonna say if I pretend to be asleep.
Kool-Ap senses it.
No, if I pretend, if, like, if I'll sit there thinking about things that I'm doing or like things that I'm supposed to do or whatever, I can never get back to sleep because it stresses me out and my heart starts to race.
But if I like think of a movie that I saw the night before or something and pretend I'm the person and just even do the scenes that were in the movie, I will suddenly like start to dream and those scenes will blend into dreams and stuff like that.
So it's like a way to calm down.
It's almost like lucid.
You're dreaming, it sounds like.
You turn the lights on and see if it's real in your dream, you know?
I'm definitely not lucid in it.
It's just a way to get me back to sleep where I'm not thinking about myself.
Does heartbreak feel good in a place like that?
It does, yes.
Somehow.
So if I were to pretend to be her and go like, okay, I'm about to film.
Oh, you don't know.
What are you talking about?
Are you the person she broke up with?
What?
Who?
Nicole Kidman?
What about her?
She's been talking about heartbreak feeling good in theaters.
What?
Got it.
I'm caught up.
But if I were to be like, God,
I got to stop thinking about my own troubles.
I'll go like, okay.
I don't know, but it's been something I've been kicking for the last fucking half hour.
It's like a footrest.
Is it a footrest?
Looks like a footrest.
Why would someone want that?
I'm curious.
Oh, my God.
Is this what a squatty potty is?
Anything is a squatty potty if you put your feet up on a bunch of books.
I have a squatty potty, and let me just tell you.
Hey, can I tell you something?
Speaking of a bunch of books.
Yeah.
I did it.
I found you guys the book of lists.
The book of bliss.
I can't read.
Is this tequipe?
That's why they don't have the same cover.
No, I bought two of those books.
You must give them back.
Well, I couldn't tell if they were different.
They're like textbooks.
One seems to be fine.
I have to distribute these to my other podcasts as well.
This is like the app that Lena Dunham and
what is his name tried to start.
Like the what?
There was an app that Lena Dunham and the guy from DJ Nova.
Yeah.
Tried to start.
Where it was lists.
It was called List.
Yeah.
And you would just do.
Because this just said like.
It was like homework.
Like a homework application.
It said like.
Okay, 15 most memorable articles ever insured.
This is literally why they made that app.
I bet you a million dollars.
Now, of course, this is what it is.
Now, of course, I've inscribed these books to you both.
It smells so good.
You have?
Okay, hold on.
23290.
No, I didn't.
Dear Lauren, please read every word of this book and think of me with every single word.
Love PFT.
Here's mine.
Dear Scott, how are you?
Love PFT.
Associate Editor, Fern Bryant Fadness.
Assistant Editor.
Assistant Editors.
Wait, listen.
Look at how Elizabeth is spelled.
Listen to this.
It's really crazy.
Get a load of this.
E-L-I-Z.
So far, so good.
Yeah.
E-B-E-T-H-E.
Waddy, Lizzie Beavy.
Why are there so many?
Okay, now, bear in mind, this is 1977.
What do you think the most,
the most memorable, memorable?
That's not really a...
What do you think is the most expensive thing ever insured?
Is this Family Feud?
Is it Betty Grable's legs?
There are legs on this list, but that's number four.
I would say legs of Fred Astaire.
Oh.
The hands of Laura Mars.
A famous surgeon.
The ass of J-Lo.
This is in 1977.
No, they knew.
She was just born and they decided to
put this ass in bronze.
Hey!
The San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge for $40 million.
So I'm like, okay, Gene Kelly's 11 greatest dancers of the past.
What?
Meaning he picked these dancers?
Yes, I forgot that some of these were curated by celebrities or whatever.
Yeah.
All right, who are now that's cool?
Did this Gene Kelly pick these dancers?
One of the most famous dancers dancers in film history.
Gene Kelly came off the Broadway stage at 30 to star in such musical hits as Anchors Away, The Pirates, Singing in the Rain, and American in Paris, and Brigadoon.
He also directed numerous films, among them Guizhou and Hello Dolly.
He received, I don't know,
G-I-G-O-T.
Guizot.
He received a special guitar for his innovative contributions to the dance in movies.
One, Salom.
Two, Master Juba.
Three, Isadora Duncan.
Four, Nijinski.
All right, here's a, here's, here's a better list.
12 most commonly used words in written English.
The.
Number one with a bullet.
The bullet.
Number three.
Is
number seven.
R.
Not on the list.
What?
Is what on the list?
One.
What?
What?
Who?
Huh?
What's number two?
Number two is of.
And then number four.
I feel like this is making the book sound boring.
Number four is a little word known as
the seven greatest numbers from one to seven.
Number one.
34.
18 drinks named after people or peoples.
The Shirley Temple, of course.
The dirty Shirley is the drink of the summer from what I've read.
Shirley Temple's not on there.
I did read that.
Shirley Temple's not on there?
No.
Tom Collins.
Who the fuck is that?
We got Tom Collins.
That's number 18.
Harvey Wahlbanger.
Was there a real Harvey Wahlbanger?
We got the Alexander.
We got the Benedictine.
We got the Bloody Mary.
We got Bourbon, Bronx Cocktail, Dom Perignon, Gibson, Gimlet, Jinriki, Grog, Harvey Wahlbanger.
Sorry, I hate to tell you it was Harvey Wanger.
Oh, wow.
Whoa, that's a fun name.
Manhattan Cocktail, Martini, Mickey, Finn, Rob Royce, Scotch, and Tom Collins.
Tom Collins is really low on the list for a drink that everyone drinks now.
Okay, here's 10 tough tongue twisters.
Other than Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Whoa.
Number one, the toughest, I guess, or just A, 10 tough.
The sixth sick...
Wait, the sixth
sixth sheeps.
Focus.
Sixth sheeps.
What?
Start over.
The sixth
start over.
You can't even read it.
Slow.
The sixth sick sheiks,
sixth sheeps.
Start over.
Why?
I didn't understand.
Wait, did I do one?
This is my book, Pat.
But yours has more fun stuff.
Okay.
Well, we all know this one.
Rubber baby buggy bumper.
Robert.
Robert Downey Jr.
Robbie Downey Jr.
Robert Downey Jr.
Baby.
I love that guy, too.
The Robert Downey Jr.
babies.
So great.
Where you only see his legs?
The sinking steamer sunk.
The sinking steamer sunk.
The stinking.
The stinking rism.
Glizum.
Toy boat or troy boat?
Giza, beazer.
I knew it.
Beasa, beasa, gizm.
If a three-month truce is a truce of the truth, is this.
If a three-month truce is a truce and truth, is the truth of a truce and truth a three-month truce.
Moses opposes Zosa Rosa.
What page are you on?
And let's see if the pages match up.
161.
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, is it slick to stick a lock upon your stock?
Or is some joker who is slickers going to trick you of your liquor if you fail to lock your liquor with a lock?
That one's easy, actually.
That one's pretty easy.
I love that one.
I'm going to say that before everything I ever do.
This is shocking.
Well, I guess this was 1974.
But
10 countries.
10 black people that are okay.
10 countries where the highest 20 with a bullet.
10 countries where the highest percent of men and women live to be 85 years old.
Oh, I hope it's my country.
Do I have to say
land of liberty?
The numbers are crazy low.
And it's like
for men, they're really low.
And for women, they're much higher.
So like it says for men, the top city, the top country is Puerto Rico.
21.6% of men live to be 85.
But on the women's list, it's all in the 30%, but like only 18% in these men's categories.
Tell us.
Tell us.
Puerto Rico, Iceland, Albania, Sweden, Norway, Netherlands, Denmark, Canada, Israel, Greece.
For women, it's Puerto Rico, Canada, Sweden, Netherlands, Norway, France, U.S.
Denmark,
Hong Kong, 2085.
But this is 1974.
It's like things have changed so much.
I would say the percentage has to be way higher now.
Or higher.
Yeah, you're right.
Higher, lower, whatever you want.
Listen to this one.
Peter Quinnell's 10 favorite dinner guests from all history.
Who's Peter Quinnell?
Okay, well, he tell us.
An eminent English biographer, critic, and poet.
Peter Quinnell was educated at Bylaw College, Bylaw, Oxford.
He edited Cornhill Magazine and presently...
Presently joint editor of history today.
His books are read worldwide, among them Byron, the years of fame.
Blah, blah, blah.
So I guess this is like 10 people he just would want to invite to dinner.
By the way, this is an exclusive
for the book of Lists.
Was he the guy that invented this concept of
people who have history?
But listen to who number one is.
John Wilkes.
Not the guy you're thinking of.
Okay.
It's just a different guy.
Wait, King Henry VIII's second wife, Anne Bolin, had three breasts and wore long sleeves to hide her six fingers.
I wish I had two dicks for those three breasts.
She's so crazy.
What the fuck?
I did see.
I did see.
Why the fuck didn't I see?
The six.
You said what?
The six on Broadway.
That's like about Henry VIII's
six wives.
Whoa.
And they're like the premise is that they're all pop stars and they're like competing to be like the number one pop star or whatever.
And they sing their story about their like their
peril with him or whatever.
It was really fun.
But Ann Bolin or whatever was in that.
Well, I saw a ghost.
They didn't make sure of three tits or six fingers.
I don't think so.
They should have.
Yeah.
I saw a ghost, which features the song I'm Henry VIII, I am.
Yes.
And he sang it six times.
Interesting.
I think that's a sign.
Sign sign everywhere a sign.
Yes.
Remember the movie Signs and how stupid it was?
But it was a big hit.
I mean, I thought it was all right.
I mean, the whole water thing is so dumb.
It's also, he just ripped off a prayer for Owen Meanie, which I will never stop saying.
And then he also, his previous movie was all about a guy who was whose water was the weakness.
So it's like this guy.
The weakness.
Anytime Bruce Wills fell in a pool, he was like, uh,
I don't remember anything about that movie.
So it's like except the ending.
What the fuck does this guy have against water?
Hey, if you're listening out there, M.
Night, tell us why you hate water.
We'd like to know.
It's just a couple of
molecules of high damage.
It takes place on a beach.
This dude.
I haven't seen that one.
I haven't seen it.
It's kind of worth seeing.
Next time you're on a plane, look for it.
That's where I saw it.
We might do it for Scott Asn's Seen.
We've talked about it.
I'm so sorry for you.
I know.
It really sucks.
I've got to watch these a terrible movie tonight.
Oh, boy.
Which one?
Can you say?
I can't say because it's down the line a bit.
I'm trying to put it in the chat.
I'll put it in the chat.
My name's Ferris.
My name's Bueller.
I'm the guy and I don't go to school.
I go out and I do what I want.
I ride in a car that's not my dad's.
I will do anything with my girlfriend.
Her name's Sloan, and yes, she's my girlfriend.
I'm Mr.
Rudy.
I'm the king of the hot dog, king of Chicago.
Time to go to school tomorrow.
I'm sick again.
My name's Cameron.
I'm depressed.
Maybe, I guess I gotta get dressed.
I'll wear my hockey jersey as we go to the museum.
I like to see some paintings, and that's the place you see them.
I think Ferris is a very good guy, but I sometimes doubt.
Does he have an eye in mind for good things i don't know the car is going through the window my dad my dad he's gonna be mad i probably killed myself if you saw the sequel the sequel to ferris bueller's day off in the future
succession boom boom boom
I think that your rapping was better than mine.
If that's
great.
I thought yours was better than mine.
No.
But I felt really confident today in a way that I never do.
Yeah.
Remember the rap?
Remember the rap you did for the Ferns audition?
I love that.
Oh my God.
I think I was rapping about Trump.
You were rapping about Trump and you couldn't get one line out without laughing.
So I got heart.
And Zach was like, I love it.
Gosh, I wish I'd gotten an audition.
I would have laughed all the way through it.
All right, we have a snake break.
We'll be right back.
Bye.
I'm Hussa Minhodge, and I have been lying to you.
I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hussa Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.
People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.
Is America too dumb for democracy?
Outrageous.
Parenting expert Dr.
Becky.
How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?
It's a good question.
Listen to Hussa Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey, we're back, and guys,
our good friend KP
Kitchen Patrol himself.
Okay, this guy's been on thin ice.
Yeah, this guy's been on our ass for the past.
He's been on our ass and our shit list and thin ice.
All three.
It's like when you go to four corners and you try to get one hand and one foot in each of the uh states.
Yeah, you try to get one hand and one foot.
anyway it's time for a three-church it is the three church is a segment where we do at the end
and this is kp okay so kp look if you if this is your first episode welcome we love you we love all
freedom listeners obviously new
yes but if you're if you're new to the show kp is a new loving character
hey happy birthday yeah what are these
you made a great choice start listening to this episode they never heard one they just put this on every episode is someone's first and last oh
they don't know it's their last until they realize they haven't listened in a long time yeah exactly oh i thought you were gonna say they don't know it's their last because they're going to die that's pretty much the only way that someone could stop listening to this podcast we should do a remake of the ring or whatever it was where it's the videotape that makes people but it's a podcast a ring make that's a really good yeah and it's like three white guys talking can i ask why did the videotape even have to have anything on it i don't know you know what i mean if the act of watching it was what cursed you, why didn't it just have a still frame that said, you're cursed?
Yeah, or like a guy sitting down in front of the camera going, hey, if you're watching this.
What were the images?
It was like...
It was like a little girl in a well or something.
Oh, wait, wasn't it?
If you watch it, you're cursed.
Work the shadow.
Wasn't it clues as to what they had to solve in order to get out of the precarious situation they were in?
I don't remember.
I just remember she crawled out of the TV and it was scary because you're not supposed to be able to do that.
There was a well.
I don't like that.
You don't like crawling out of the TV?
It scares moi.
Why don't you crawl out of the TV and see how just fun it is?
Okay, I'll try.
Right now.
You crawled into your TV and died.
Bounce, bounc, bomb, bomb.
Anyway, so KP has just, look, if this is your first episode, it's so hard to explain KP.
Yeah.
There's so much lore.
Go by, you got to start from the beginning.
Yeah.
Start from episode one.
Even though we didn't talk about episode one.
We didn't talk about him until two episodes ago.
No, but it sets it up.
I feel like
it all leads leads up to who KP is and why he is.
But if you don't care, that's also fine.
That's totally fine because we'll catch you up right now.
KP's some dude.
Hey, guess what?
If you shut this off right now and never listen again, I don't give a fuck.
Hey, it doesn't affect you.
It'll hurt your feelings.
Just don't tell us.
Paul's lying.
So KP sent us this.
I lie.
KP sent us something for our three-cher file.
A submission of...
Which is like the X-Files, but not scary.
Yeah, although it's like one of the funny episodes of the X-Files.
Yeah, exactly.
Like one that
who wrote those?
Charles Nelson Riley?
Yeah, the Charles Nelson Riley one, yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
So he sent a three chip to us, and we thought we were reading KP's, but we were reading someone else's.
And then so we fucked over KP hard.
Hard.
And it was funny.
It was funny.
It was so funny.
It was how hard he got.
I felt like I got hung out to dry, actually.
Why?
Did we throw you under the bus on that one?
Like, not do this.
And then I was like saying we're not going to do it.
You're like, yes, we are going to be already right.
I I was like, okay, I guess we're going to do it.
You're still mad about this.
I'm just bringing it up to explain.
Is that your?
Is that your
problem is that the three of us never speak off-mic, and so this is where we have to sort the stuff out.
Yeah, exactly.
So, anyway, so then the following week, we were like, okay, we're going to do KP's.
And then we read it and we're like, no, we're not going to do that because it's bad.
No.
But KP will not be deterred because we told KP on that episode.
We said, KP, this one needs a little tweak.
Needs a little punch-up.
So KP, two KP's credit.
KP2?
There's two of them in the middle.
KP2?
No, but Gallagher 2.
KP Squared?
Yeah.
To his credit, KP,
does he give his actual name?
Maybe KP is.
KP Thomas.
Anyway, so he punched it up.
I haven't read this.
I just saw he punched it up, and we're going to decide live in the moment whether we're going to do it or not.
Absolutely.
Let's hear it.
Okay, this is junk it.
There's a timer set for three minutes.
An eternity when it comes to stuff like this.
Truly.
Yeah.
Truly.
One minute is so long.
So, but we'll see.
One player is an aloof Hollywood bad boy/slash bad girl doing a press junket for their new movie.
Then one player is their stressed-out publicist.
And the third is an entertainment reporter.
The actor has a silly rumor going around about them.
Example,
tried to grow weed in the jungle at Rainforest Cafe.
That would be silly.
You're right, KP.
That is silly.
That's decided on ahead of time by the reporter and is only known by the publicist and the reporter.
So the actor has no idea what this rumor is.
The reporter is slyly trying to get the scoop from the actor, but the publicist is trying to stop them and keep the interview about the movie.
The person playing the actor improvises the title, the character, and all the other details of the movie.
If the interviewer can slyly get the actor to say the rumor within the three minutes, they win the big prize, which we got to decide on the big prize.
I'll give this book away.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding, Paul.
I'm kidding.
You know what?
I think that I think.
He admitted it.
I think, oh my God, he admitted.
I think this is a good improvement, but
he didn't say what the big prize is.
And so I'm saying right now, I don't want to do it.
What if the big prize is we get to meet KP?
No.
KP, I never want to meet you.
And if you ever try to meet me, it's going to be bad.
If you ever try to meet me on stage, Chris Rockstyle, or Dave Chappelle style.
What happened with Dave Chappelle?
Somebody rushed him on stage.
I attacked him at the Hollywood Bowl.
The Hollywood Bowl.
Wasn't that right?
With a gun with a knife on it.
A gun replica.
Oh, no, not a knife gun.
Yeah, a knife gun.
Yeah.
Shoots darts.
But he didn't get hurt, did he?
Oh, the person who rushed on stage got hurt.
Oh, for sure.
No doubt.
I didn't see the clip.
Nor have I.
You saw there was a clip, though, right?
I did.
Yeah.
So do we want to?
I was just as good as seeing the clip.
Do we want to do this or do we not want to do this?
I think we need.
I think we have to legally.
Legally, we have to.
We have to do it this week?
Nope.
Let's just do it.
And who's going to be the actor?
Who's going to be the...
I really feel like the thing to do is to kick this down the road.
Kick the can down the road for KP.
Yeah.
It sucks because you talked a long time telling us how to do it.
Talked a long time.
Talked a long time.
What I think is great is this becomes its own segment before the three shows.
Whether we decide to do KP's thing or not?
Exactly.
All right.
We don't have to do KP's thing.
All right.
All right,
maybe next week.
What do you want to do instead?
I don't know.
I was given, it was sent to us here a physical game.
Whoa.
This was sent to us by someone named Xantor the Magician.
And this is a game called Conversation the Game.
It's a little pack of cards.
And here's how it works.
Freedom Boys enclosed is a game I made with my friends called Conversation the Game.
The rules are as follows: Every card has a conversational rule that must be followed.
Pick a card, set a timer for two minutes, again, incredibly long amount of time,
and either A, hide it from other players so you follow the rule and they guess your card.
Example: Lauren has only asked questions.
She's only allowed to speak to other players in the form of a question.
When the timer goes off, Scott and Paul try to guess the rule.
Okay.
Okay, I like it.
Tip: if a card looks like it won't be fun, skip it.
I like it so right.
I like this tip.
Put it at the bottom of the deck for later.
Here's another way to play.
Put it on your forehead, headbands style.
So it's hidden from yourself, but other players follow you
and guess your own forehead.
It's H-E-A-D-B-A-N-D-Z, and then with a little trademark symbol.
Okay, I like this less.
Example, Paul has flirt.
Scott and Laura must flirt with him when the timer goes off.
He guesses his own rule.
That sounds better than the other one, I have to say.
Yeah.
Okay.
I like that better.
And
we don't have to do it in a headband because we don't own any headbands, right?
For added fun, players can look through the deck and assign each other cards.
Okay,
let's try the second one and we'll just put it up to our heads.
Longtime listener, first-time writer, love the show.
Santaur the Magician.
Santaur the Magician.
I can now crumple this up and throw it away.
Are you sure?
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
By the way, we got this a long time ago.
Speaking of getting some listeners, and then the pandemic happened, so we couldn't play games in person.
Even when we were in the backyard, we couldn't do it.
True.
Yeah.
Okay.
So we're.
Oh, no now you gotta unwrap oh no they're already unwrapped great oh we got some i previously unwrapped previously on freedom i took the liberty of preparing one of these earlier let's see we've never met before all right so now are you just put one up to your head
and then you do the thing yeah yeah leading me into guessing what it is yes i think so yeah
do you want to do it to your head first no okay then lauren will do it you already saw it or no
you know what it's not a good one
skip it it was the first one and i got excited.
Are we ready?
Yeah.
Who's timing it?
Should we do it for two minutes?
Should we do it for one minute?
Let's do it for two and see how we feel.
Okay.
And don't hit lap.
I will not hit cool off.
Don't hit lap.
I will not hit cool-op.
Don't worry.
Hit.
All right, ready.
All right.
We take turns, right?
Yeah, we take turns.
Okay, great.
And go.
Hey.
How are you doing?
I'm good.
Um,
where'd you go today?
I don't know.
I have amnesia.
When did you get that hat?
Am I a suspect for a murder?
No.
Are you just making a conversation?
So,
why
are you
here today?
I mean, we don't usually see you.
I guess I just thought today was the day in my schedule.
Where were you last night?
Am I being interrogated?
Am I late?
Okay.
I
have to ask.
What's your mother's maiden name?
Um
Bing Bong.
What's up, Plan?
What's up?
What are the last four digits of your social?
Two, seven, two, one.
Okay.
What's your childhood pet's name?
I forgot my password.
Right?
You can
fly?
I'm signing up for American Airlines credit card.
No.
What was it?
Take a look at the card.
Sigh heavily once per turn.
Okay, this really gives good info as to what it can be.
What it can be.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Give me that deck.
Did two minutes feel like too long or was that?
No, no, no.
I think that was ours.
I would never have gotten that.
I didn't really get what it could be.
I was going to go over the top with sighing
this last time, but I didn't get to it just to really try to bring it home.
Okay, I'm not supposed to look look at it.
Oh, so I was showing you guys Paul was doing it.
Oh, oh, Paul's doing it.
Oh, I do now.
Oh, got it.
Okay.
Okay.
Now I do.
So, Paul, um,
I guess what I want to know is,
are you happy with your situation?
Yeah, I think so.
I think so.
It doesn't feel like that to me.
You think I'm unhappy?
I do.
I mean, could you be happier?
Yeah, sure.
I don't know.
Sometimes when I think about you, I think about what you could be, and I worry that you're not happy.
I mean, yeah, I think you could be happier, definitely.
Do I think you could be happier?
Yes, I do.
Do I not think you could be happier?
I don't know, I don't.
I don't think you could be happier.
Oh, you don't think that?
No, I don't.
Because I do, see?
But Paul, what I really wanted you to know when you could not have to participate.
What?
Yeah.
What I really wanted you to do is.
You just need to guess, sweetie pod.
You need to guess what's going on because I brought you here for a certain reason.
I feel like I know what it is.
Okay.
Say it.
Say it.
Don't make eye contact.
No.
No.
It's something else.
It's definitely something else, and we need you to know what it is.
It is shake your head every time.
Yes.
It is.
Which doesn't translate on a podcast.
No, no, no, no, I realized it right when we started.
Let's find one that would work on the pod.
Move your head while you talk, it says.
But we were
really going for it.
It was good.
It was good.
Okay.
Can you read it when we handed you?
No, I can.
You squinted.
That's how I read.
Okay.
Okay.
Isn't it weird how it works?
I can just hold it here.
Oh, no, we know.
I honestly, I never thought about this before, but it did help when I squinted to read that.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
It's so weird.
I can see better.
All right.
Oh my God.
oh my god
oh my god janie and i do that to each other every once in a while it's always unexpected and it's always funny one time oh my god this happened over christmas i was uh we were at her mom's house and i was in the other room and i had to blow my nose and i've i'm now at the stage of life where i blow my nose very loudly
and i and i heard janie in the other room saying to her mom did you hear that and from the other room i went did you hear that?
Wow.
All right.
So her mom's really learning what an asshole you are.
Oh, she knew.
She moved me.
She lost.
No, that shows how comfortable you are with her.
Exactly.
I don't give a fuck.
I'd walk around nude in front of her.
That's weird.
We're family.
Remember what this is?
Okay.
Let's do it.
All right.
Here we go.
Okay, you started the timer.
I have to do that.
So what did you do right before you fell asleep last night?
I
was, I played a little Mario Kart.
Oh, okay.
What's the worst thing you've ever done to another human being?
I meant to ask you.
Oh,
told a white lie?
That's crazy.
I forgot to ask something, too.
It's been, I was just wondering, like, what you jerk off to.
I meant to ask you that.
Last time I saw you, I forgot.
Yeah.
Certain plot lines of Downton Abbey.
Certain ones.
Probably not the newspaper one.
That was boring.
Lifetime.
What have you put in your rectum?
Usually just whatever comes out of it.
You put it in.
You put it back in.
Yeah.
Because you feel like it fell out.
It's like, oh, I might need it.
This is where this belongs.
What was like something when like a time you just really embarrassed yourself?
I mean, just tell us about a really embarrassing thing that happened to you that you couldn't stop thinking about.
Well, one time I was walking down a little stoop of three stairs and I
tripped on the middle stair and I fell on my little butt.
Oh, right.
What does Kulop look like naked?
Like, have you ever seen
like those Renaissance pictures of beautiful women naked?
No.
So what do you guys do when she's naked?
So, is this just asking me embarrassing questions?
Okay, intrusive questions.
Intrusive.
Okay.
I also was like, you all, you both were looking up and off to this, uh, to the right before you, and then in the middle would look at me in the eye.
So, I was like, for a minute,
for a minute, I thought it was that because we were formulating the questions.
Because we were lying.
We're lying.
Technically, we're lying, which is creation.
Yeah.
Good stuff.
And let's hear that alarm right now.
Almost at the post.
Well, that was great.
That was fun.
Thank you, Zoltar.
Xantor, Xantor.
So
now I got unclear.
You got uncrumble.
Crumbelivable.
Uncramable.
Hey!
Hickory dickory duck.
Thank you again.
So Xantor.
Xantor the Magician.
Where's Xantor from, I wonder?
The planet Erxcobo?
Okay.
Thank you for listening, and we're going to go back into our little holes.
Yes.
And then six more weeks of winter.
We finally have a phone number, and the phone number is Ha Ha La Input.
Ha ha la input.
That's right.
H-A-H-A-L-A input.
It's 424-252-4678.
Again, that number is 424-252-4678.
It's better known as Ha Ha La Input.
Ha ha la input.
And why are all
the people?
And why do we have a phone number?
We forgot the reason we wanted a phone number.
Please don't call us.
I forgot about it so much.
Please don't call it.
The last thing we want is for you to call that number.
Ha ha la input.
Yeah.
Ha ha la input.
And look, you know, follow us at ThreedomUSA on all your social media.
And write to us at threedomusa gmail.com.
Maybe people could leave three shirts on the
phone number?
I don't know.
Why did we even want it?
Why did we want to
remember?
I don't know.
But hey, if you want to listen to the archives and to ad-free episodes head on over to stitcherpremium or cbbworld.com and for lauren and for paul f tompkins good night everybody
yeah
good night and see you in the morning good night vietnam
Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.
We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.
So this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.
Uncared for season three from Lemonada Media.
Available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey, it's Lena Waith.
Legacy Talk is my love letter to black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us.
This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Felicia Rashad, Loretta Devine, Eva Duvernay, and more.
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