Wapner, Wapner, Wapner

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The first two episodes premiere on Thursday, August 21st.

Happy Halloween!

Cop and sail,

hopping down the body trail, hippity, hoppity, Easter.

Easter's on its way.

Could anyone have enjoyed that happening?

I think there's a lot of people.

When it's Easter.

Oh, Easter's still in a couple of days.

Well, he's on his way.

He's on his way.

Hey, can't lie about that.

The Easter bunny getting high?

He's getting high on his own supply.

The Easter Bunny likes to smoke somewhere.

420 this year.

That's so awesome.

We have Easter.

We have 420 and Hitler's Hills Whitney.

Oh, that's exciting.

Harris Whittles.

Wow.

Harris Whittles.

Harris Whittles, Harris Whittles.

Harris Whittles.

Harris Whittles.

Harris Whittles.

Harris Whittles.

Harris Whittles.

Harris Whittles.

Oh, Harris Whittles.

Come on and rock me, Harris Whittles.

God, if only that would come out like that before he was born.

Is he still dead?

I don't know.

I haven't checked recently.

Because you guys are close.

Yeah, we're close.

I think he would look me up.

Oh, I would hope so.

Look, if you're I go to his grave and I deface it.

I'm saying this right now on Mike.

Should I pre-decease either of you?

Okay.

He's on Mike, by the way, Mike Castle.

On Mike Castle.

Yeah, who's just in the room.

Yes.

And it's like a hop on pop situation.

If I pre-decease either of you.

Which you will.

That's not necessarily true.

You might die before.

Can we keep up the illusion?

Should I pre-decease either of you

and I later come back to life?

Yes.

I promise I will look you up.

I will text you both.

Within what time

period?

Give me a week.

Because I'm going to have a lot of shit to start out.

I'll give you six days.

Because on the seventh day, I rest.

Why do you rest?

Because we're in the courtroom.

Oh, good point.

Yeah.

I rest my case, Your Honor.

It's the seventh day.

This trial's been going for six in a row.

People don't realize this.

Court cases have to end in seven days.

Everybody rests.

Yep.

Yeah.

OJ, that just kept retrying him over and over again.

That's the one that.

We rested.

Now we're ready again.

We have energy again.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let me feel great about this.

Energy.

Hi, Lauren.

Energy.

Yeah.

Beyonce.

Thank you.

Welcome to Freedom.

Thank you.

This is Lauren over here.

That's Paul.

And this guy, well, process of elimination, Scott.

That's how I like to be introduced.

The process of elimination.

I like to be, I like the process of elimination.

I like it more than the result.

Yeah, I think the process is pretty, you know, it's important.

It's an important step in terms of getting to the elimination.

You gotta trust the process, you have to trust the process.

Yeah, I do my own research when it comes to elimination.

Yeah,

that's how I know.

How do you guys feel about

a hand wash with a little bit of exfoliant in it?

I think that sounds really nice.

Um,

where you wash our hands, you know what?

I don't like it.

You don't, I don't like it.

No, no, like where like you pump it out of the thing and it has a little bit of a granular sort of touch,

but then you take our hands and you lavish it.

I'm not touching your hands, please.

Will you please wash our hands?

No, what is it that is Reverse Jesus.

Yeah.

Reverse Jesus.

My hand washes her.

Because it's not feet.

Yeah.

My foot washes her hand.

Do you remember when Veronica, she Veronica?

She dried her.

She washed her hands.

Veronica.

She washed her feet and then dried it with her or dried them with her hair.

Do you remember when Archie did that?

And everyone was like, can we just stop?

Let's get some burgers and shakes.

Archie, the comics.

Veronica did it.

Archie did.

Oh, she was up in that mug.

I forgot about that.

Mug.

Juggie ends up in this piece.

What if Rivertale started with that?

Hey, Juggyad's up in this piece.

Can't still be on, right?

No.

No, that was over.

Weird.

Jingle Jangle was the drug that they liked.

Oh, honestly.

That was good.

We knew about how to find names like that.

Yeah.

I like it.

It's better than crack cocaine.

My famous bit.

What if crack were called crackle?

Yeah.

Everyone would want it.

Yeah.

It wouldn't seem so bad.

It's pretty cute.

He's a crackle addict.

He's a cracklehead.

He's a cracklehead.

See, it's so funny.

Yeah.

From a long time ago.

I was having a conversation with someone the other day, and they said, so I had to reach out to the Kellogg's boys.

And it took all I could do not to say, you mean Snap, Crackle, and Pop?

They had to reach out to Kellogg?

Were you on a golf course?

Who are you talking to that's reaching out to Kellogg?

Oh, he went golfing like he always was.

I was having a private conversation with someone in my life that I didn't want to mention on Mike, and it would have been rude to do this because this person does not know anything about comedy and is an older gentleman.

Right, was it your friend General Mills?

Yeah,

attention.

Is he ever going to rise in the ranks, or does he just stop at General?

Like five-star General Mills?

Five-star General Mills.

He might be a five-star general.

Who is your favorite cereal mascot, or which one do you think is the best?

I will say, when I was young, we had chocolate and we had frankin' excuse frankenberry chocolate and we still have those but wait what was the third one because booberry frank it was frankenberry no it was yeah frankenberry yeah and also booberry hey if you're gonna be a fucking kantaba hey

well there there was there was one that and i believe it had to have been uh booberry that

our store did not stock, but I knew about because there was a picture of it on

two's enough.

I don't know whether they tried stocking it originally, and no, that was the flavor no one wanted.

And that was sort of, it had the sort of sheen of that, of like,

oh, I probably wouldn't even like it because the patina.

Yeah, I was going to say patina, but then I was worried that I wasn't going to be using it correctly.

And you were going to make fun of me.

But

so, but I was always fascinated.

I was always like, oh, I want some of it because

it was out of my reach because the one store that we ever went to didn't stock it.

So, it seemed exotic to you, it seemed exotic to me.

And Count Chagula, honestly, that's the star of the show.

You know, what always stresses me out when you're so you know at the grocery store how they'll have things that are like they'll have like a whole shelf of stuff that's past where you check out, yeah, like it's like on your way out, yeah, but it's not on your way in, it's like only three.

I don't like that mentally, I can't work with that.

I'm like, I'm gonna, I need that thing over there, but it's like, I'm I can't cross the threshold, right?

I can't, I won't remember it, so I'm checking out with that.

By the way, there are no actual rules at the supermarket, you know what I mean?

There are you can do whatever you want, it's anarchy there, it's crazy.

You can do whatever you want, you can just walk out with it, scared to go in there.

Yeah, I have told you about I had a friend whose father,

I feel like I've told you this, and I apologize, but would go in and haggle.

So they would, they would rein up the entire thing, and then he'd go, they'd say, it's $120.

He goes, I'll give you 80.

Yeah, So insane.

And then they'd go, what?

And he'd go, I'll give you 80 for this.

And we're not at Marrakesh.

They would say, like, okay, let me call the manager.

And then the manager would come over.

And 50% of the time, the manager would look at it and go, all right.

And then 50% of the time they go, no.

And you go, put it all back.

And you'd walk out of the store.

Put it all back is so horrible.

I hate this guy.

Yeah.

What's also wild about it is if the manager agrees to it, how do they calibrate that in the register?

Yeah, I don't know.

like i think i think it's purely just a uh hit the weird discount button yeah yeah random guy button what's your take on eating stuff in the store while you're shopping can i say i'm just curious i just want to say my favorite cereal mask i want to know because i actually did ask that 10 minutes ago of of the haunted cereal family no i want to hear all my favorite was blueberry was it really blueberry was it was he the color of

i thought he was cute and he had his little norman lear hat on how was the cereal though it was fine it was because every cereal is quote unquote blueberry flavored every cereal is just sugar yeah

Booberry monster cereal.

What color do you want the milk to be?

You know what I mean?

Well, now he's looking like a real snack.

Yeah, he's fine.

He's swole.

I love that they added you.

That's the last episode because he's zilly.

What was it?

Flazzled.

Flazzled.

Flazzled, Flazzled.

Flazzy.

Flazzled.

Cosby.

Flazzle, Basil.

Basil's.

Jack to Blazzle.

But because he was a ghost, they had to put a hat on him because otherwise it just looked like

Vincy's drawing.

Was this how he was?

No, this is the updated.

No, that's the updated.

Oh, here he is.

That's his Norman Lear look.

Yeah.

Even that's a little more modern than I remember.

Okay, let's go back another generation.

Yeah, now we're talking.

That's exactly what I remember him looking like.

With his hands up, like he's like, I'm a ghost.

He's like, I think I want to eat that.

There is somebody.

But of course, I loved Lucky, the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

We love him.

Yeah.

Toucan Sam.

I liked Toucan Sam as well.

Yeah.

I think, you know, who I didn't like?

The Trix Rabbit.

No, he's.

You're a fucking asshole.

Hey, I'm just trying to eat breakfast.

I don't need your machinations of whatever is going on with you trying to trick me.

The thing that bothered me about those commercials was, this, by the way, is expert podcasting.

Take a strong stance on something.

You don't actually care about it.

I don't care at all.

I'd like to do ads for tricks.

We're just asking questions.

I was frustrated.

I was frustrated for the Trix Rabbit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We feel bad for it.

They didn't give any explanation of why are tricks for kids.

Why does he need it?

He's on the fucking box.

He may as well be a kid because bunnies don't live that long.

Okay, that's very good.

Actually, coming around.

That doesn't make sense.

His life is so much shorter than yours.

There's a fucking cereal.

He's coming around to this a little bit, though, because it's like, so he always wants this cereal.

Yeah.

And they're saying, silly rabbit, tricks are for kids.

Stop.

By the way, they're always calling him silly, which is like.

That's condescending.

It's condescending.

It makes him, it's infantile.

he wants it he wants it so bad yeah it's all he cares about and why does he well so we don't know what he's doing the other 23 hours of his life honestly he's having sex that's true he might not have a bunny he's a bunny yeah with like tony the tiger no with another rabbit i once five don't be absurd okay

i didn't actually i think when they're all shooted animals they're allowed to do a trick and toe sure he's hax with watershed special easter episode too tricks rabbit early do Do you think he lived in the same universe as Watership Down?

I think he probably did.

I'm not familiar with that.

I was at Griffith Park.

It's a dramatic story about rabbits.

Oh, yeah.

Watership Down.

You should check it out.

I want to.

I was at Griffith Park.

But you should.

It's a good movie for kids, too.

The Criterion Collection.

I don't think it is.

Watership Down is a good movie for kids.

The title just feels like something an old daddy.

Well, I think it's a certain age, not like little kids.

Okay.

I think it's too much for

too intense for me.

I think ages nine to 99.

Isn't it about bunnies on a ship?

Because I'm scared.

No, it has nothing to do with the ship nuts.

Okay, well, maybe they should change the name to notaboutships.com.

Why is Titanic not called Big Ship?

But I was at Griffith Park.

Oh, it's a cartoon?

Yeah.

Oh, I want to watch this.

Jesus.

Do you think it was a live-action movie about rabbits?

Yeah.

Like March of the Penguins over there.

Okay, but this doesn't look suitable for children.

Ooh, look at that.

Rabbit with a bloody tooth.

He's covered in blood.

He goes to the dungeon.

Kids' teeth fall out.

Who can relate more?

He looks really scary.

Okay, I'm going to put this on.

I bet Holly will light this.

So I go to Griffith Park.

I'm taking a walk.

I'm taking a hike.

And I see a rabbit.

Like I told you to?

I see a rabbit bouncing up and down.

I'm like, wow, I don't think, I don't know that I've seen a rabbit in the wild in so many years.

Hundreds suddenly come out and they're just like following.

This is real.

This is real.

Yeah.

I have never seen the light.

I've never seen it at Griffith Park since, but there were hundreds and hundreds of rabbits just like bouncing around.

It was crazy.

I would have loved to have seen yeah it was it was it was quite a sight because i think i told you how our nephew like came out here with a checklist of things he wanted to see in the wild yeah and he was like take me to them and

p22

rest in peace and he was so disappointed when i said like well we don't

yeah we don't know when we're gonna see these things and we can't plan it out they don't have a schedule honey yeah so i mean if i could see all those

babies i would

maybe they escaped from the the zoo up there.

Yeah.

Do they used to have a rabbit?

No, no, no.

I think the zoo probably had hundreds of rabbits.

Yeah, something went wrong.

Oh, no.

Lauren's really taking this hard.

Something must have happened in those

rainman over here.

Something went wrong.

Something happened.

I was really upset.

Something happened in those woods.

Definitely happened in the woods.

Definitely happened with the

deer.

Definitely happened with Bambi's Hunter.

Could you imagine if that movie came out today, Bambi?

Yeah.

Or Rainman.

Either one.

I can't.

Imagine if they came out the same day.

Oh, shit.

Who would win?

You would be inside.

Rain Man would get the most money at the box office.

Buffo Beo?

Absolutely.

No doubt.

Rainman with the most money.

Definitely the most money.

Definitely the most money.

I wonder if you could watch that.

Definitely the most money at the box office.

Could you watch Rain Man now and be like, yeah, that's good.

Or would you just be

watched as an adult, but I don't remember.

Yeah, I think there would be some elements that probably do not collapse so well.

The mere fact that he can count pencils that fall on the ground because often I think someone could can

toothpick.

Can't someone in the world do that?

Nature's baby pencil.

Can't someone in the world do that?

Yeah, someone in the world can do that.

They haven't found them yet, though.

I think it's Robert De Niro.

I mean, Dustin Hoffman.

This would have worked better if I knew what I was doing.

Do you think that Judge Wapter was flattered to have been included in the movie?

I bet he was.

I bet that was like a huge thing that he was beaming with pride.

I bet he had a dinner party the week after it came out.

He heard private screening.

He heard word, like he signed the release or whatever, and then he's like, oh man.

Sign the release?

Yeah, to have his name mentioned, right?

Like

I will not sue you.

I, Joseph Wapner, here my grand thee.

Out of anyone, a judge, you don't want to piss off a judge because he'll just rule.

He'll rule in his own favor.

Now he must be dead, right?

Yeah.

Judge Wapner?

I hope so.

I don't know anything about what you speak.

Judge Wapner.

You don't know who Judge Wapner is?

I don't.

Justin Halfman's character in Rainman loves Judge Wopner.

He loves the people's court.

Do, do, do.

Yes.

Does that ring any bells?

Do, do, do, do.

How about that?

That also rang more bells.

Woppiner, Wapaner, Woppiner, Woppiner, Woppiner.

That's why they catch him.

That's why he walks in because his robes made that noise when he walks.

Yeah, he had a corduroy robe.

And his name was actually Smith, but he sounded like,

he's like, I got to change this shit.

This is too good.

Hey, I'm on to something here.

Hey, this sounds like a name.

This is the biopic of Judge Wopner.

This This sounds like a name.

A name no one's ever heard of.

It could be my name.

What's that sound?

It sounds like Whoppiner, Whoppiner, Wappiner.

We gotta direct.

That's it.

Hold on a second.

What did you just say?

Wappiner, Wappiner, Wappener.

That gives me an idea.

Every scene is exactly like

every single scene.

My idea is that should be my name.

There should be a court for the people.

What?

What did you just say?

You think I have a great idea.

Big girls don't cry.

I haven't been a bailiff in a while.

I'm a little rusty.

Hold on.

I was just talking with someone about those moments in movies where they went, like in biopic movies, where they're discovering a famous song that we know.

What if it's like this?

We did a big boom boom.

Yeah.

I have to say, I give the Bob Dylan movie a lot of credit for not doing it.

Never do it.

Oh, they don't do it.

They never do it.

No.

It's very tricky to watch someone write a hit song that you know.

It sidesteps so many of the problems of biopic.

A lot of people are saying, like, oh, this is so rote.

Like, I've seen all this before.

Like, I really, I could not believe how many things it did.

Well, I heard because it's more a slice of life as opposed to his

takes place in a small, concentrated

era of time.

So it's not like his entire career where he gets, you know, however.

And now I'm famous.

Every biopic ends with like him getting an award, him or her.

Name one where a woman gets an award.

I think what's love got to do with it?

Didn't it end with her like...

No, I think that movie Niad did.

I like Niad.

I like Nadia.

I did, too.

I thought it was great.

I'm like, Annette Benning swimming like that?

Dude,

that's for real.

Yeah.

I picked her for her best actress that year.

Well,

you should be listened to more often.

I should.

Thank you so much.

And who won that year?

Who cares?

You know what?

I can't argue.

If we can't remember, it didn't happen.

Who does care?

But

we parodied that cliché on the 100th episode of Comedy Bang Bang, the TV show,

where it was,

I think my character would overhear things on the street and turn it into hit songs.

And then and did you come up with your theme song?

No, it was

we were all in a singing crew called the Four Singers.

It was the episode where we all talked about how we met each other.

You were in.

No, it was me, Howard Kramer.

You were there.

And you.

Me, Howard Kramer, Baron Vaughan, and

I think Mike Hanford.

Nice.

Yeah, it was fun.

It was fun to do I'll dress up in 60s clothes.

Tawny is in there.

That's cute.

Where she says, help, someone's kidnapped my baby.

And then we turn it into a song.

Someone's kidnapped my baby.

And she's like, that sounds funny.

It is, I mean,

at the risk of being immodest, I must agree.

Where can people watch that?

YouTube.

I don't know.

YouTube.

You can buy it.

It's on AMC Plus.

Who cares?

Anyway.

Some might.

You're saying who cares a lot today?

Yeah, you really are really

realizing that.

Laissez-faire.

Laissez-faire.

Yeah, true.

He realized that nothing I say is of any importance.

Jesus Christ.

Nor the listeners.

And that just happened during the break between two episodes.

Wow.

We had Shake Shack.

Oh, thank you for that, by the way.

I wanted to publicly thank you.

Scott bought me lunch today, and that makes up for so much that happened with this snack.

Plays you like a fiddle.

Hear me say

which we're playing for you because we pity you.

No, I had a hamburger and fries, and it was a delight, and I appreciate the lunch.

Shake Shack's good.

It is good.

It was good.

We would love for them to sponsor us.

Oh, my God, please.

Oh, I'd love it.

Can I talk about sponsors?

I have a story, but I'm going to wait until after a break.

Actually, you know who should sponsor us?

And they might be listening now: IMDB Pro, because they

start following us all day long.

They love what we're serving, and I want to promote their website.

Are they following you individually as well?

I believe so.

Yes.

Yeah.

What's going on?

No, so much.

And then they were getting.

IMDB Piss Pig is what I think the P might stand for.

And didn't they write back to you?

You said, did you hear the episode?

And they said, yes, we did, dear.

Yes, we loved it, dear.

Yeah, so they're all listening.

Fucking kidding.

No, it's happening.

Everyone who has an IMDb page, listen to that.

That's what I'm saying.

IMDB Pro.

I thought about that.

Hear me roar.

I want to do ads on this podcast for websites.

Yes, you can give us a free subscription.

That's a hundred sub?

$150 a year.

I want to change my picture on there.

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

Oh, you need to do that.

I mean, you don't need to do that, but I'm saying if you don't have a subscription, you can get a membership.

So when we come back, I have a story about a sponsor.

I don't know what your picture is, dear.

What's your story, dear?

When we come back, we have to take a break.

Okay, Bill W.

Cooler temps are rolling in.

Doo dah, doo dah.

And as always, Quince is where I'm turning for fall staples that actually last from cashmere to denim to boots.

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I gotta ask you about their denim.

Okay, well, their denim's durable and it fits right.

What about leather jackets?

They are real, and they bring that clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

Sounds good.

What makes Quince different?

Hey, everyone.

Oh, hey, well, they partner directly with ethical factories and skip the middlemen.

So you get top-tier top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

Can I hear some personal experience from you?

Because I'm still a little skeptical for some reason.

Well, one of my favorite pieces from Quince is their 100% Merino Wool All-Season Short-Sleeve T.

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Now, I've been wearing mine so much, I just ordered one in another color.

I want to keep it classic and cool this fall.

Do you have any suggestions?

You should do that with long-lasting staples from Quince.

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Now, that's great.

How do you spell it?

I was gonna say

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Yes, and when you miss the window, like 200 days in, you might be like, I gotta return it.

Honestly, I've done that before.

That's q-u-in-ce-e.com/slash threedom.

Free shipping and 365 days returns.

Quince.com/slash threedom.

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School season, little boys and girls.

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Tell me, getting schooled by your old wireless bill.

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And we're back.

And okay, so before the break, I mentioned I had a story about a sponsor.

So,

um,

oh man, now I'm forgetting the name.

Come on, man.

You gotta be kidding.

We need this story.

Soul.

The gummies that we got.

Yes.

And they also have sent us drinks.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

So this is a company that has been sponsoring us, and they sent us some free samples.

I've been having the gummies at night, which has been knocking me out.

That's been good.

Although I've been on cough syrup recently, which does an even better job.

You know what I'm taking to knock me out?

What's that?

Those American thighs.

Chumbawamba.

American thighs.

Is that like an American thigh?

Those American thighs.

Is it like an American gladiator squeezing your head with their thighs?

Yeah, that would be so awesome.

Yeah.

Squeeze me.

Nitro just wrapping his legs around my neck.

Yeah.

Around my neck.

This is the sound that his knees make.

It's not a fart.

Okay.

Who's in our who's.

Oh, that's Kulop leaving.

I see.

Who's that?

Who is that?

Who's that woman?

Oh, it's my wife.

Okay.

He's obviously not well.

I didn't recognize the car.

But really, who cares?

Okay, so anyway, they cares about anything.

They've been sponsoring us and they gave us these drinks, right?

Yes, they did.

And they say, like, instead of

having, you know, a ton of glasses of wine,

have one of these.

There's no alcohol in it.

Yeah, you fucking drunk.

Instead of drinking a case of wine, why don't you have a can of this?

Yeah.

It's very similar to the ad copy they sent us.

So

I have been doing that.

It's been great.

But the thing is, I was.

I haven't tried the drinks.

Mike likes the drinks a lot, but I'm more of a gummy gal.

So I've had one.

I'm a gummy gal.

I've had one drink

multiple nights and been like, I honestly, I feel good.

It's substituting for drinking, which which feels good, but I haven't felt anything.

Sure.

Whatever.

So the other night, I think, you know, maybe I'll have two of these.

And I sit down to watch The Beekeeper.

Now, is that the sequel to B movie?

It should be.

Yeah.

In a lot of ways.

When George owns the B?

It goes B movie, Beekeeper, B loser.

George loses the B.

So I'm watching The Beekeeper.

By the way, the second James Bond.

I had my second one hours ago.

And I'm watching the Beekeeper, and I'm like, well,

how you have one, then hours later you have another?

No, no, I had two kind of in a row.

Okay.

But this slam, slam, six o'clock.

You shotgun two souls.

I didn't shotgun weed drinks.

You poked it with a pencil and you just slurped.

But I had two in succession.

You put a pin in there.

My favorite TV show.

And

two in succession and two in full house.

But then

hours go by.

Hours go by and I'm.

I'm not happy.

I turn on the beekeeper.

Okay.

I watched something even before the beekeeper, I think, like a half-hour TV show or something.

No, I turn on the beekeeper.

Full house.

I'm watching the beekeeper.

I'm in.

And I'm in the third act of the beekeeper.

Okay.

I don't know what this is.

It's crucial.

It's a movie starring Jason Smith.

So I'm watching The Beekeeper, and Jeremy Irons is in it.

Okay.

And I'm.

Hello, Beekeeper.

I recently worked with him.

Oh, did you?

TBD.

He hasn't aired yet.

Oh, okay.

He was delightful.

I really liked him.

Very weird role where he, as an English person.

Lauren, is that your jacket?

Yeah.

Is that your jacket?

He was the head of the CIA

for a number of years.

Oh, he's doing an American oxygen.

No, no.

No.

Okay.

He's the former head of the CIA as an English person.

Sure.

In the world of the Beekeeper, all things are possible.

So I'm watching the Beekeeper, and I'm like

looking at this Jeremy Irons scene, and I'm like, it's so weird that Jeremy Irons has agreed to do this TV show, which I've been watching for the past 20 years.

And then suddenly I go,

oh no, I'm high.

Wow.

Wait, you're so high that you forgot?

What?

I mean, I got to have some of these drinks now.

Yeah.

I know it sounds pretty great.

Okay.

I can't.

I can't even connect.

But I have to clarify, the first two acts of The Beekeeper, I watched totally normal.

Right.

And

you knew it was a movie, was able to retain it.

Suddenly, in the middle of the third act, I slipped into being high and was like,

I was like, whoa, whoa, what happened?

This was hours ago I drank this stuff.

Oh, my God.

Anyway, that's a ringing endorsement.

Yeah.

There you go.

Oh, yeah.

Get a couple of those and watch the beekeeper.

I took one of the sleepy time gummies.

And

I think that's what it is.

At least it does it for me.

It was like the 3MG.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And

I fell asleep at Holly's bedtime with her.

It was like

8.30, 9 o'clock by the time.

And I just got in bed.

I went, you know what?

Good night.

And then I slept till 7 a.m.

Nice.

I love that.

And that's been great.

I've done that a few nights this week where I just went to bed when she went to bed.

Yeah.

And there's something amazing.

I always want to like do my thing and like, well, practically.

I always want to like do my thing and like be on my computer and like looking at shit that doesn't matter.

We know you love to do your thing.

I do my thing.

But instead I went to sleep for 10 hours or something and it was great.

I have had a situation this past week where my

Mike the situation from Jersey Shore?

Was his name Mike?

I think so.

Was it?

The situation.

I thought it was Joffrey,

I thought it was Reginald.

No, you're thinking of Game of Thrones.

Okay,

so okay, Janie had been sick all week.

No, we got back from that cruise, and she, like, within an hour of seeing,

she, no, no, no, she had like a land sick, she was land sick, yeah, regular old land sick.

She had um, like a sore throat, and then it was kind of like a strep sort of virus thing.

And um, so we she slept in the guest room.

We pulled out the sofa bed.

We kicked the guest out.

Oh, no.

We said, sorry, this is one of those situations.

We can't have a guest anymore.

Do you have a fully stocked fridge in there?

Yeah, of course.

And the guest

has this sort of shadowy figure that you don't really know what they look like.

It's sort of the outline of a man.

We just refer to him as the guest.

Yeah.

We think it's a man.

Yeah.

So

there was the weird situation.

It was a weird situation where for a week we slept in separate rooms and learned to love it.

When, well, that's the thing.

It's like when, if one of us is out of town, like if she's out of town and I'm sleeping in the bed by myself, it feels weird.

But her just being in the same house in another room was comfortable and sleeping in the bed and me sleeping in the bed by myself was kind of nice.

Oh, we, Mike's been sick this week a little bit, and he was just coughing.

So he moved.

That's it.

She was coughing so much.

You know what?

It was going to keep you up.

Yeah.

And so then, then what I found is sometimes I sleep better because I'm like, I'm trying to be too polite while I'm sleeping.

You know what I mean?

Like if I ever roll over or whatever.

Please touch your teeth.

While you're sleeping.

Madam.

No, but when I talk in my sleep, you know, like, when I get pervy, I try to be as polite as possible.

Rolling over from one side to the other, occasionally, like, you'll nudge the other person.

Yes.

And I'll be like, oh, I hope I didn't wake that person up.

And then it kind of wakes me up.

And like, I try to do, I do that thing where

I said when you try try that person, I should just say, cool.

Honestly, I was going to say, it was kind of weird how you were leaving it open to be like multiple.

You know, how we're constantly editing ourselves to take people out of stores.

Yeah, I found myself doing that right then, and I don't know why.

When you touch the person who also lives in my house,

when you touch that person in your bed, I try to

feel bad for that person.

Did you do the thing where you try to roll over like in place where you like incrementally like shift your body?

Yeah, so that you're not taking up the internet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They should, you know, the California king, which is is i do i've met him yeah he's amazing yeah he's so tan he's so tan and he's amazing at surfing but it's a it's a lengthwise yeah bed yeah i always wondered still is the same

worth it it is for me because you're tall enough that it matters so i love it but you gotta make that width longer too yeah i agree i think it should be wider yeah yeah

do you think the width should be longer or wider i think that the width should be wider and the lid should be liddler.

What's with, how did the word width last so long?

I know.

Let's get rid of it.

Length.

Length, though.

My mom used to say length.

Length is

length is the word.

Or like height.

Height.

I've heard people say height, and that's weird to me.

What is that?

Depth?

No, what's height?

Height.

People say, I know what it is.

I'm saying, like, why why are people saying that?

Because they're dumb.

They're stupid.

They're putting

because it goes H-T, and they're going to.

Oh, it's like T-H.

Height.

It might as well be T-H.

You know what I mean?

It might as well be that.

I put the letters in whatever order I want them.

My mother, I'm sorry.

I don't think, I don't know if my mother said length, but she did say strength.

Talk shit about your mom on my mouth.

Strength is definitely not.

Give me strength.

Drag her ass, Paul.

When she was mad, she would ask God for strength.

She would ask God for stress.

That beat stress.

No, she did not.

She had me one time.

One time.

that i remember maybe other times i forgot

hundreds of times you've forgotten and buried

maybe i made myself

who knows what'd you do i broke a window and what made it so god open a doorway

when god opens a door i break a window yeah i think that's how it goes here's what was happening my brother my older brother was

let's let's put it out there.

He was torturing me.

He was,

he locked me out of the house.

oh

and i was running back and forth oh my god i don't know like eight eight nine something like that yeah so you're running in that house there's a front door and a back door i'm running from the front door to the back door to try to get in but of course he has less distance to cover yeah so he can easily just be there it was like a cartoon like

like the coyote the roadrunner and so i was banging on the

the the window of the back door and my fucking fist went through.

Oh, that must must have hurt you.

That you know what?

It didn't.

I was very lucky because I could have been

seriously injured, but I was not.

I think I had like a little bit of a jerk off hand, too.

I would never, Scott, I would never use my jerk off hand to hang it.

Okay, you can tell which one it is because I have a special glove.

You were minding about that.

Yeah, you have a driving glove.

Yeah, okay.

Fill it with lube.

Simply packed the rafters with lube.

So my mother came home.

Oh, no.

And when she were you hoping she would never come home at that point,

why?

Were you because I broke the window?

Because you're going to be in trouble.

Were you having a moment like

from a Christmas story where you're like, oh.

I think

in my mind, I was like.

She'll understand this is his fault.

This was an accident.

I didn't mean to do this.

And here's the circumstance that led up to it.

Well, before I could say any of that,

before I could my little face.

Did someone tell her that you were the culprit?

And that's.

I think she asked.

Probably either my brother immediately immediately said he broke the window or i said i broke the window because

yeah swap out

that's crazy damn it's did she did she ever apologize i don't think so i think when when things like that were brought up later

like i remember one time saying

her saying i never told any of my kids to shut up and i was like actually i remember time you told me to shut up yeah her response to that kind of thing would always be well i guess i was a terrible mother oh that's that's that's a famous phrase absolutely Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what's a better way if you're not.

Do you look forward to saying that someday?

Oh, I already say it.

I'm not a lot of cooking.

Well, I guess I should just kill myself.

All you moms and dads out there, here's the other way, dude.

I'll be your mom and you be.

Oh, Paul, you look so wonderful today.

Thanks, mom.

I guess I would never tell you to shut up about anything.

You actually did tell me to shut up once when I was a kid.

You know what?

I apologize for that, Paul.

I don't remember it, but I believe you, and I apologize.

Well, thank you.

It was a pleasure doing business.

Did that do a lot for you, Paul?

It really did.

That role play cured me.

I have to call my therapist and say, you're fired.

Why didn't you?

You got that therapist?

Does your therapist ever have you do roleplay stuff?

No.

Not even like dressing up like a little cat.

I don't call that role.

Okay.

That's how I show up to the session.

Okay.

You're a furry.

We have never mentioned that on the show.

Have we not talked about this?

We've never talked about it.

We've got a big time furry.

Anytime you hear him on mic, he's dressed up.

Yeah, he dresses as a character.

Do you want to talk about that?

Yes, I do.

This time I'm a kangaroo.

This is my most challenging

outfit to date.

It is like a, it's called Captain Kangaroo, but you're not that guy.

You're a kangaroo.

No, I'm not the man who called himself Captain Kangaroo.

No.

Disgusts me.

You happen to be a kangaroo who made the kangaroo.

I have achieved the rank of captain.

So I'm a kangaroo in a uniform.

got a little hat on

and kangaroos are kind of known for being like ripped yeah no you can see I have painted abs on yeah kangaroo abs and the sistine chapel on your back yes that's from like all the stuff he's been through yeah he got a big tattoo yeah but you can see that I'm also in there on this oh I see oh yeah as a kangaroo so it's God there's Adam and then there's he's a kangaroo saying what's up guys

that's great so word balloons for everyone yeah we're everyone it is like God is reaching out his finger and going, I'm not touching you.

You can't touch this.

Yeah, so I love it.

And in my pouch, of course,

I have my lunch

and a little Joey.

And a little Joey from Friends.

Little doll.

Voodoo doll.

How are you doing?

And I poke it with pins.

Why do you poke it?

Somewhere Matt and LeBlanc is like, ow, ow.

Because I don't like the character.

Reminds me of one of my favorite shows episodes, which is criminally underrated.

One of your favorite what?

Favorite shows.

Episodes.

Favorite shows episodes.

Episodes.

Starring Matt LeBlanc, and it's wonderful.

You shouldn't name a show that is an aspect of the show itself.

Yeah, well, like, what do they call each one they put out?

Like, this is a series?

Episodes, episode one.

Yeah.

Come on, guys.

It's too hard already off the bat.

I can't wrap my mind around it.

Does anyone tell you about this pitch meeting?

Okay.

This pitch meeting.

I'll tell them.

Okay, so I went into a pitch meeting once.

By the way, sequel to this,

I'll give you the wrap-up after.

So I go into this pitch.

That makes more sense.

I go into

sequel to this?

You haven't even told us what it is.

What sequel to this?

I'll give you the wrap-up.

I was trying to figure out what

you're so out of pocket right now.

I'll give you the wrap-up later.

Oh, yeah.

Well, how about you do the first part first and do the second part?

Some stories are better told in media res.

Okay.

This one I just determined.

It's revenge is a dish best served cold.

It's

no reservation.

Not taken.

So I go into a pitch meeting once with a show idea, and the person

that's smart.

Yeah.

And the person.

Yeah, I had never done that.

I say,

I say where it's set, which is a town in Illinois, I think.

I think it was like Skokie or something on the top.

Right near where I grew up.

Okay, so I say mining my childhood for material, I see.

So I give the one-liner, like it's

a show where a person does this.

Yeah, Nazis want the right to march down the street.

Yes.

So I say, okay, so the town is Skokie, Illinois, and the guy goes, Illinois.

Illinois.

And the guy goes, nope,

won't work.

Won't work.

No, the town's too big.

The town, this couldn't happen in there.

Anyway, thanks for coming in.

What?

I was like, what?

And he was upset because I picked the wrong town.

I'd never been there.

I just was picking names around.

You could just pick any town.

Just pick any other town.

Yeah, you tell me the town.

Yeah, exactly.

Mr.

Geography

expert.

Anyway.

anyway, I found out he died last week and I was happy.

You sound demented.

That's

crazy.

Oh, my God.

That's

crazy.

Look, look.

I'm not saying I don't get it.

I get it.

But you sound demented right now.

No, no, no.

That's crazy.

What a hearty laugh.

Because we all have these pitches, I'm sure, where something like that happens.

I have a similar story

where

I think it was the last commercial audition I ever went on

because I was told the director requested me for this audition.

Nice.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Status.

So I go into the audition, and there's two roles in the spot.

One is

the character that's going to be

character for all of these spots.

And the other is a guy who has one line.

Like, I think one word.

Yeah.

And so.

Dominoes.

That would not be a bad word.

Yeah.

If you could only say one word and you said the product name, not bad.

No, it's an honor in a way.

Yeah, I'd like to say the titular line.

Yeah.

What it's all based on.

So

I think, okay, this, to get a series of commercials like this would be fucking great.

Yeah.

You know,

so I go in to the

have you prepped the other role?

Yeah, of course.

Of course.

With all the lines?

Because that's what I was told that I was doing.

Sure.

And so I get there and

the casting, one of the casting people comes out and says, all right, so when I call your name, you're reading for this part.

And she calls names, gets to my name, and it's for the smaller part.

And I said, actually, I was told that I was reading for the other part.

And she went, Well, now I'm telling you, and you're reading for this part.

Oh,

I hate it.

In front of everybody, it's like, oh, that's so condescending.

If you don't know, the thing about commercial auditions is they treat you like garbage.

They really

have to like it.

Yeah, any pretense of art is gone.

This is strictly commerce.

So it's like you are just a dumbass.

Yeah, they talk about it.

And they talk to you like you're a dumbass.

Yes.

And they talk to you that way.

Yes.

So I was, and people, and people like fucking giggled and stuff.

Oh, and I was like,

fuck, I'm a grown adult.

So, Paul, this is my question.

But here's the thing.

Okay.

Here's the thing, honey.

Yeah.

She died.

Like a year later, she died on vacation in some accident.

I can't believe what you're saying.

I did not, I did.

Now I did not guffaw.

Yeah.

But there was a tiny part of me that was like,

now I'm telling you, you died in an accident.

Oh, but wait, I had to go back.

So I leave, I do the fucking audition, say the one word.

You're like, and then

I call my agent.

I'm like, they made me do this.

It's like, no, no, no, that was wrong.

So I went back in and

she was there again.

She would not look at me.

Like, she wouldn't come over and say, hey, sorry about that.

That was our mistake.

Because she was proven wrong and she didn't even look at me.

Yes.

She would not.

And I,

waiting to go in, I fucking stared at her the whole time.

Like, when are you going to make, when are you going to make it?

She would not meet my eyes.

Yeah.

So you're saying you didn't feel good about it.

There was a tiny part of me.

Well, there's a giant part of me.

No, I know.

So I'm saying, I get it.

I get it.

I totally.

But we've all had these weird interactions with people over the years.

It's very rare that someone who has wronged you in some weird way dies within

a year.

Within a timeframe that you're like,

yeah, yeah, it's crazy.

No, but I'm.

Lauren, you got to have one of these.

We look like psychopaths.

I don't have one.

You have to have had at least one.

May they all rest in peace.

You murdered them.

No, I don't have any.

Actually, I just don't have anything like that, though.

I recently did chat with a friend about someone from a long time ago that we knew who had passed.

And they died a long time ago.

She was telling me a very negative story about this person.

And I was kind of like, whoa, it's like weird to just like hear a really negative thing about someone.

Where I've sort of been like,

sad that this person died forever.

Like, I'm like, that's really sad.

And then it was like this really mean story.

And I was like, oh, that's not good.

You know, it's hard to like reconcile the unsavory meats.

Yeah.

I never had any other interaction with this person, but it's always been one of these things that is stuck in my craw for years of like, why would, why did that person have to act like that?

Like, forced you to leave.

Yeah.

You know, and so when I saw a news story the other day, I was like, you know what?

Doesn't feel good, but it does.

Yeah, I think you thought it did feel good.

It does seem like you thought it felt felt good.

Yeah.

All right, we have a single break.

I'm Hussa Minhaj, and I have been lying to you.

I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hussa Minhaj doesn't know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.

People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Is America too dumb for democracy?

Outrageous.

Parenting expert Dr.

Becky.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?

That's a good question.

Listen to Hussa Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonata Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

And we're back and I know what a buster is.

Okay.

You do?

Yeah.

What is it?

It's a game that we like to play.

Also known as a three-track.

Scott, I'm so proud of you.

Yeah.

I'm so proud of you.

I know it, and I've always known it.

You've always known it, yeah.

This is just knowledge, common knowledge that I have, that you have, that we all have.

We all know these things, motherfucker.

Okay,

all right.

I don't know it, but we're gonna play it.

Go along with it, yeah.

Just go along with it.

To educate you, no, dear, no, no, I don't, I don't, I don't.

We're gonna play one you're flashing that rock around

Lauren got engaged several years ago and was married.

For some reason, I've noticed it more than ever.

Oh, well, we didn't weep.

Why didn't we get married?

We have a creature to play.

I do not know who initially sent this in.

Whoever you are, hats off to you.

We thank you.

And

we played this once, I think, a long time ago.

It sounds like it's great then.

And we enjoy it.

You know what it is?

It's further down on the list because they're in alphabetical order.

Oh,

what is it?

Zither?

And that connects with

Zither, the game.

Zither.

What's the movie?

Describe a scene.

What's the movie?

Describe a scene from a movie, but in a way that it's hard to guess.

Okay.

So obviously we're talking about famous scenes.

Famous scenes from famous movies.

Famous films, scenes that you would know.

Of course you've seen this.

Okay.

Of course.

But you describe this famous scene in a way that makes it a a little hard to guess what scene it is.

Okay.

All right.

Let's try it.

Let's try it.

Now.

No promises.

Are there points?

Yeah.

The points are:

if you suck at this, you lose.

And if you're great, you win.

That's right.

Okay.

I love that.

Shall I go first?

Yeah.

Do it.

Okay.

Let me think of a scene.

From a famous

movie.

That we probably have seen.

Yes.

Yeah.

Now, this is where it gets tricky.

yeah

because i know probably some movies that you and i have both seen sure i know some movies that you and i have both seen

but do i know movies that all three of us have seen so these have to be common movies that everyone knows that yes it's reasonable to assume that we've seen yes okay

all

right

I think I have it.

Okay.

I'm just going to go before you even say what it is, I'm going to say say Jaws.

Wrong.

Okay.

Wow.

Schindler's list.

Have you seen Jaws?

Yes.

Well, I forgot about it.

That's one of the only films that you know that we've seen.

Well, I forgot about it.

And I was in my car.

Forgive me.

So you were texting us Jaws trivia the entire movie.

Well, I could have been doing that from anywhere.

By the way, this is,

we were both in the theater and Paul was outside in his car.

Yeah.

Jerking off.

Jaws trivia.

Yeah.

And sending it to you

all right

stupid

stupid

stupid

that's stupid as

stupid as

so

do we have to buzz in or do we does the game start at any point it starts right now

so um

doing character oh okay yeah there's this guy who's having uh a

fight with this guy.

They were like,

they're really going at it back and forth.

It gets

physical.

And

they are just like

they're really going at it.

Called the wild.

You know,

cream the wild.

And they're

yelling at each other

and

minions.

No, good for it.

One guy is kind of

he's really kind of keeping his cool, but the other guy is really emotional.

Ordinary people.

Then the guy, the coolest cucumber guy, cucumber.

Veggie tails.

Veggie tails.

Who is dressed?

I thought you had a ponytail.

Your hair is sticking out the back of your head.

Because why?

All my hair sticking out the little

thing.

It looked like it was in a ponytail.

A tiny ponytail.

Well, if you grew a ponytail, we would support you.

No, don't.

No,

promise me if I grow a ponytail, you'll tell me to cut it off.

Here, keep going.

So, the guy, I should point out that the guy who's being really like cool is dressed

in a weird way.

And this is Dracula.

He's frying.

He's kind of scary almost.

And

so they're like trying to hit each other with these sticks.

and

the one guy.

Oh, what's that movie where he's like, Fredo?

The coolest cucumber guy.

At one point,

he starts talking about

he starts making these intimations about the other guy's family.

And it starts to really hit home with the other guy.

And he's like, fuck you.

Fuck you.

No way.

And the coolest cucumber guy is like,

dude, you know I'm right.

And this makes the other guy crazy.

He's screaming.

Your mother sucks cocks in hell.

No,

I don't know.

Those are two separate things.

Is this the exorcist?

Well, and your mother sucks cocks in hell.

The cool as a cucumber guy cuts the other guy's hand off.

Oh,

hand

off.

It was the movie handoff.

What was it?

Cutting a guy's hand off in a movie.

This has got to be the story of Peter Penn and the Lost Boys.

The origin of Captain Hook, my dear friend.

No.

I can't think of any other movie where someone's hand gets cut off.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the Empire Strikes.

That's correct.

Whoa.

The climactical scene.

They're fighting with sticks.

And he's like, he doesn't say, Luke, I am your father.

He doesn't even say Luke off in this kind of scene.

You keep saying cool as a cucumber because cool Luke, cool hand Luke.

No, because Darth Vader was not yelling and Luke Skywalker was.

Okay.

Darth Vader's just like,

hey, join me.

It's going to be great.

James Earl Jones could yell.

Yes, because he yelled in Field of Dreams.

What did he yell?

I don't want to do that.

Field of Dreams.

Leave me alone.

He yelled, leave me alone a lot.

Get out.

There was a lot of that.

He should have been in Get Out.

That would have been great.

I think they tried to get him for that.

They're like, will you please just

your famous movie?

We named it Get Out because we wanted you to be in it.

Come on.

And then in a dramatic reversal, he said, I'm leaving.

So now, you know

what's interesting about the one you picked is

just even a few mere years ago, Lauren wouldn't have known what you were talking about.

That's what

even now she didn't know what you were talking about.

But I do know it so well.

But you know what I'm referring to now that I've revealed it?

You're like, you can see it in your mind.

Exactly.

It all made sense.

Splinter in the mind's eye, Alan Dean Foster.

Okay, Foster.

Someone else's turn.

Yeah, not mine.

Thank Christ.

Okay.

Go ahead.

There's.

Hold on.

I'm just like, that's not a good choice.

Just filing that away for later.

um

and that one okay

everything is green

around

them

this is how you would describe everything is green around them

there is a large crowd is this the making of the avengers that is formed

and

when

and in the middle brown

a bug flies

This is not like an incredibly stupid person.

When the

man

runs out to the center, or maybe the woman runs out to join him

in the center.

And they share their lips pressed against each other.

Okay,

everything around them is green.

In the center is brown.

We have to have at least some clue.

This is so similar to how he was doing it.

I don't know about that.

I mean, I got to people being in it way before you did.

Okay, fine.

Okay, fine.

We don't even know if it's a people.

We didn't know if it's a people.

Tons and tons of seats with people filling them around this green and around this brown.

So it's some sports thing.

Okay.

In the center.

Brew league.

In the center, a man and a woman joins him.

Bull Durham.

Or vice versa.

Dull Burham.

No, she stands in the middle, about to cry.

Several pitch.

And he comes in.

A league of of their own.

And they share

lips pressing together

for the first time.

Field of dreams.

Her first time ever in her life.

First time ever in her life.

Virgin, virgin, virgin, virgin.

Hey, okay, dude.

This robot.

My alert went off.

I'm so excited about it.

And the crowd goes.

Never been kissed.

Yes.

Thank you.

See?

Green all around them, brown in the middle, obviously.

What does that mean?

They're on like a big tall mound at the end, and then they have it.

They do.

You guessed it.

You want to do the Scottish movie?

You said that to him.

I didn't guess it.

I've never seen that movie.

He guessed it.

Why would I see that movie?

Why did you see it?

I didn't see it.

How did you guess it?

I'm smart.

The virgin part of it led me to Never Been Kissed.

Wow.

How did you remember that that was a movie?

It is.

Well, I said she had never been kissed.

I try to remember everything

that ever happens in my life.

I would say I'm like 30% successful.

That's not bad.

Yeah.

There's a good odds.

I like that.

All right, let's see.

Coming up on old Scotty, huh?

That's you, baby.

All right, here we go.

You think you got the stuff?

So I watched this movie the other night.

Oh, nice.

It was so.

How high were you?

I had two

12-ounce drinks.

That's how high I was.

So this beekeeper.

So

it's such a good movie.

It's about this family who gathers around a table at dinner, and

they're just having the funniest conversation.

And it's like two boys and a little girl, and they're just having such a funny conversation.

Signs.

It's just so charming.

It's like a divorced, it's about this divorced mom and her clan, I guess.

Yeah.

He didn't let me get to penis breath.

That's all he wanted to do.

You couldn't let him get to penis breath?

Come on, man.

I haven't seen E.T.

since it came out.

Oh, it's good.

Yeah, it's still good.

I got to watch it.

Watch the.

It's a good October watch.

Watch the walkie-talkie cut.

Or summer.

Walkie-talkie cut.

No.

Can you get the original anymore?

Why did they?

Yeah, they've selled actually own the.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah.

I've never heard of that happening.

Yeah, actually, we made a mistake.

It's dumb.

It was a little extra tip going.

It was a little extra.

A little extra.

Why are you being the most extra E.T.

walkie-talkie cut?

It's giving extra terrestrial.

Uh-oh.

Guys,

uh-oh.

I think we're

at the conclusion

of this episode.

Lauren is

swirling around in her seats.

I'm just moving my arms, trying to get the feeling back after being completely still for two straight hours.

Well, yeah, you always do this thing where you're like, I'm going to not move my arm for two hours and see if I can do it.

I don't move any part of my body when we're recording for the whole time we're except your thumb on that phone.

That's just to make my shake shack order.

But you didn't have to cut me up.

You didn't have to.

We thank you for listening.

We love our listeners and we encourage you to keep being that.

Here's what we love in this world: our listeners are number one.

Number one, with a bullet.

Number two,

to eat and drink because it keeps us alive.

That's right.

Number three, putting on our mask in the case of an emergency before anyone else in my party.

Number four,

to

slay your enemies and hear the lamentations of their women.

Number five, to never move your body or arms when recording.

Number six,

pastries.

Number seven, our spouses.

Number eight, our children.

Number nine,

parents living in debt.

What?

Parents living in debt?

Living in debt.

Living in debt.

Living and dead.

Oh, I thought you said living in debt.

A little too close to mine.

I love my parents living in debt.

Now I'm the one who has money.

But we love you.

And here's what we do to show it.

We have a special website set up just for you.

Oh, my God.

You can go hang out in.

Yeah.

It's like a playground with the internet.

Like-minded people can meet and discuss the issues of the day.

It's called hagclaims8.com.

Now, you can't contact anyone else who's on this website.

Well, you're on the website.

But you can know that other people may be on it at the exact same time.

You can call around your friends and go, are you on this website that I'm on?

Speaking of calling, at hagclaims8.com, you can leave us a voicemail, which we will read on our three meme episodes and answer.

Ask us.

We'll do more than read it.

We'll play them.

Yeah, we'll play a voicemail.

Give us a conversational prompt.

Ask us a question, whatever it is.

Those are on Wednesdays, every other Wednesday, and you can get those either at CBB World or at Lemonada Premium.

And speaking of CBB World, you can get every single episode we've ever done ad-free there, including the ones that come out every Thursday.

Those are ad-free over at CBB World.

And on Tuesdays, if you don't want to bother with all that, we re-release episodes, older episodes.

We call that three visiting on the twos, and you love it for some reason.

You do.

And please, for the love of Christ, see my show on tour, Variatopia.

Go to paulftompkins.com/slash variatopia for tickets.

I'm going all kinds of places, and this is coming up very soon.

It's coming up very soon.

Come out and see us live.

It's a really, really fun.

You gotta go see the show live.

It's always fun.

It's so fun because Paul F.

Tompkins, usually, here's what I know about Paul F.

Tompkins.

Occasionally, he comes here.

I think once I saw you driving around,

I remember that.

And then

every other minute of the day, he's at his own house and he doesn't allow people to come to him.

Correct.

But for these shows and these shows only, you're going to to other places and people can come nearby their own houses and see you

in person.

That's right.

Like how I did.

Yeah.

Watching you drive around that one day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

This is incredible.

What an opportunity.

Well, I mean, I was in a car myself.

It wasn't like a fast and furious situation where we were like trying to stop a nuclear submarine or anything.

No, we were letting it go.

Yeah, we were making

it.

We were actively allowing it to happen.

We were like, we're not going to stop it with our cars.

No, we tacitly approved of it.

Yeah, all we have are these cars.

Like, you're in a mini cooler.

Absolutely.

I didn't get it.

And you're in a beetle.

Yeah.

In your beetle bug.

I'm in a beetle bug.

You painted it like Herbie the Love Bug.

And I'm in my PT Cruiser, which you also painted like Herbie the Love Bug.

Anyway, so this is.

But it's like a guy who I call Herbie the Love Bug, so it looks like a man.

Yeah, a man.

Thank you for telling me that because I could not guess.

Yeah.

But this is a rare opportunity for you to come see Paul, and it doesn't come around all that often.

So here's how you check out where to get tickets.

Go to paulftompkins.com slash variatopia.

Sure.

That'll give you all the cities that we're hitting.

We're hitting over 20 cities this year.

Of course.

And you can get all the ticket links there.

Yeah, this is great.

Meanwhile, I am still riding Astonishing Spider-Man, and you can check that out.

And I'll be popping up in surprise places from time to time.

You surprised me the other day.

You'd been hiding here for how long?

Three weeks.

Yeah.

Stinky, stinky.

Fortnite and a half.

I smelled you before you popped up in stinky.

Anyway, thanks so much for listening.

Like I said, we love you.

And like I said before, goodbye.

And like I said, bye.

Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.

We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.

So this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.

Uncared for Season 3 from Lemonada Media.

Available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's Lena Waith.

Legacy Talk is my my love letter to black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us.

This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Felicia Rashad, Loretta Devine, Eva Duvernay, and more.

We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day.

Come be a part of the conversation.

Season two drops July 29th.

Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast, or watch us on YouTube.