Threevisiting: Cradle the Nose, Work the Ears

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I'll see you in your dreams.

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?

Yeah.

And look at us now.

Like, we're all grown up.

We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff, and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye.

But for the most part, it's about you.

I mean, it's always been about you.

From Lemonada Media, a live with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube.

Sabrina!

That worked

freedom!

I got puberty!

I got puberty!

I know, I got puberty!

Oh, no!

I got puberty!

I can't go in today.

I got puberty!

I'm sick with puberty.

Tell the boss.

We called out with puberty, so we're shorthanded today.

I can't come in.

I've got the pubes.

Welcome to Threedom.

Thank you, Scott.

Hi.

My name is Victor.

You're Will Napkins.

Hi, my name is Paul Ev Tompkins.

My name is Scott Vockerman.

Wow.

What's your real name, Victor?

V for Victory.

What if you...

Lauren, you sounded like

the sound that people sometimes put on a video on Instagram or TikTok

where it's like a...

Maybe it'll be like a dog jumping or a baby falling over or whatever.

Yeah.

And the noises, and it was like, we

and I was like, wee.

You know the one I'm talking about?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a good one.

Now, where, no, and not to be a fucking idiot, but where do they find these sounds and how do they reuse them?

I've never tried.

I want to.

For the record, I've never tried.

I only ever want to see the originals.

One time I asked about one about,

oh, look at him.

Very distinguished gentleman that people use a lot.

And I was like, where did that come from?

And then somebody said it came from this.

And it was video.

And not only do I wonder where it came from, but I wonder how did they find the audio.

How do they get that sound and use it for their own purposes?

You know what I mean?

Like, it's like, I'm sure they're searching it, but then it's like, how are you searching?

Yeah.

Like, are you saying

that kind of thing?

I'm going to go, we?

Are you searching that?

Yeah, I mean, maybe I should just try to get into TikTok and reels and like see what I can make.

I feel like I could be really cool.

This is like an untapped resource for you, Lauren.

I really think that you need to get

so much good stuff could be happening if I got on there.

Speaking of which, I'm now on cameo.

You fucking are?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, goddamn.

What happened, Paul?

I'm going to do it the way that I told you that I wanted to do it.

So no one can trick me into white supremacy stuff.

And how much money have you made, my man?

How much you charge yes, buddy.

Okay, truth be told, by the time people are hearing this, I'm on it.

As of right now, the second.

No, I'm not on it yet.

And here's what I love.

Here's what I love.

It's happening.

How much are you charging?

I'm starting at $50.

I love that.

I think you could go higher, but I'll let that be.

We're going to start at 50 and C.

By the way, Janie is spending the money already.

She is convinced this is going to be a cash cow for us.

And I'm like, you got to lower your expectations.

What is she buying?

Is she buying like a new lawnmower or something?

She bought a fur coat.

Here's what I'm going to say.

Here's what I'm going to say to all our listeners.

If you have $50 that you would spend without noticing it, you need to get a a cameo from Paul right now.

You know what?

I agree.

If you are doing that well, the $50 is you're not going to feel that at all.

Buy three.

How about that?

Do I have $50?

No, I guess not.

Yeah.

Do it.

Do it.

Yeah.

That sounds amazing.

And you are donating, isn't it?

You're donating all the proceeds to charity, you were telling me before the show.

That's right.

Well,

everything after $150,000 goes directly to charity.

charity so we just got to hit every base we everything just got to hit that base amount of 150 grand yes

I don't think you should even say that cover my logistics yeah Paul I think you should say travel lodging

everything over 150k per year you'll donate to charity yes exactly if I exceed every year I exceed per month per month which 12 of them is a year so in a way everybody's right yeah and that's what I'm going to do Yeah.

Yeah.

I love that.

But yes, if you want a cameo from me, all I'm going to do is whatever I want to do.

I think that's a great idea.

I'm just going to like riff and it'll be and it'll be fun.

And it's like, get it for somebody that maybe won't like it.

I love it.

I think people who think you're great, which is everyone who knows of you, will want this.

Those of you, not the people who know you.

Oh, no.

I wouldn't expect people who know you to buy your cameo.

I hope not.

That would be weird.

You know, what if I bought a a cameo from you?

Oh, Scott.

What if I bought one?

Can we both buy one?

Don't.

I'll give you them for free.

No, no, I want to buy it.

No, I want to buy it.

You're my friend.

I want cameo to get a cut.

We'll see.

This might, like, hopefully this is not going to be something that I absolutely wish I hadn't done.

You can bail whenever you want.

Yeah, you can always bail.

It's true.

It's true.

No, no, it'll be great.

It'll be great.

What if I just did one and then bailed?

That sounds funny.

One for Janie.

You do one, it's up on the site, and you're no longer active.

You know what you should do?

You should do the Scorsese role where you do one for them, one for me.

One for them, one for me.

Yes, exactly.

Exactly.

Suddenly, you have a ton of cameos for yourself.

Yes, I send them to myself.

I pay for them.

I sort of don't like how they show examples on your page because I feel like a lot of people do kind of the same thing over and over again, which is totally fine.

It's like, what are you expecting to do?

Write a whole new thing every time.

But I feel like if you watch the sample, you feel like you got it.

Yeah, that's it doesn't have your name on it.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

It's like once my special comes out, that whole hour is burned, you know.

That's exactly what it is.

Yeah, once that cameo is seen by a stranger, it might as well have gone to them.

I remember so many comedians in the early days of Twitter were like, I'm not going to give jokes away for free.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm like, yeah, you are.

You are.

And you're going to get a lot of fights on there.

I remember showing one very active Twitter comedian how to sign up for Twitter, and they were very much in that thing of like, no, I just don't see how this will work.

This, I mean, I'm not going to do these jokes for free.

And then I froze again.

Can we tell?

No, Scott's frozen again, which is going to be a disaster.

But he has a look of anguish on his face, which is making it kind of fun.

Kevin's telling me to turn off my video.

So I'm going to dark.

Okay, go dark.

Go dark.

Okay.

Zero Dark 30 with Scott Herman.

Paul, I want to hear about your day today.

And Scott, can you hear us?

Yeah, I can hear.

Okay, great.

So you're not frozen.

So this is going great.

So, Paul, I want to hear about your day because you had a very exciting day because you met someone that I idolize.

Yes.

You have a new girlfriend?

One that Lauren idolizes.

Yes.

I met Lauren's hero, and she's my new girlfriend.

Jenny doesn't hear this.

I was invited to

Mr.

Bob Odenkirk's Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony where Bob got star of the Walk of Fame.

That's so crazy because I've seen these.

Now they post these on like people, Instagram, and like you'll see them on Entertainment Tonight, like a star getting their star.

And I always think it's so cute, but I never really thought about there being an audience that's like people who were invited as opposed to.

I always picture it just being whoever's on the street kind of just gathering around.

Yeah, because it's like the person's friends.

You don't know who they are, you know what I mean, or their family.

Especially if it's like an older person, then it's like, I don't know, your grandkids, you fucking fossil.

But Bob invited,

it was weirdly like a wedding for one person.

My wedding.

See, so nice to talk about you being

invisible.

Not being able to see you when you

made it.

It's like a surprise.

Made it in front of stealth assassins.

Yeah, exactly.

Just piping in from another dimension.

By the way, it doesn't, Billie Eidle doesn't get a lot of credit for how he talks about how what a nice day it is, you know.

And you know,

Billie Eilish doesn't get enough credit just as a person.

Like, we need to bow down, okay?

Why don't they collab?

Is Billy Idol alive?

Yes,

he paid so still.

Too much so.

I paid that witch to put a curse on him, and he's still walking around.

So, Bob invited me to this, and it was people from all different parts of his life.

You know, it was really wild.

And so I was there.

David Cross was there.

The cast of Better Call Saul, they were all there.

Vince Gilligan, he was there.

Peter Gould, the co-creator.

The only other people from Mr.

Show that were there,

were invited, apparently, were Bill Odenkirk, who got COVID and couldn't come.

And John Ennis, who got COVID and couldn't come.

Aw,

sad.

Now, why was my hero there?

Well, I'll tell you: no one

knows.

Are you serious?

One of the people at this thing, well, I mean, someone knows, but we did not, we were not told.

One of the people there was fucking Carol Burnett.

And who was that?

Someone was fucking her there?

I didn't even want to make the joke, but it was just sitting there.

I couldn't.

I'm sad.

I'm sorry I made the joke.

But for real, a guy was fucking hurt.

It was weird.

I did not know they knew each other.

And then David Cross got there.

And, you know, we were talking for a little bit.

And he said, did you see Carol Burnett is here?

And I said, yeah.

And he goes, I didn't know they knew each other.

And I thought he would surely know how they knew each other, but he did not.

I think they were working on something together, but right now?

Yeah, as we speak.

Oh, they went

during our show, they're not listening.

I here's what I here's my theory: is that

they are practicing Islands in the stream together, and they're gonna and they're gonna do an Instagram

where they sing Islands.

I absolutely love that on it.

Yeah, I would too.

I would too.

Do you hear Bob sing?

Islands in the Stream would be wonderful.

Islands in the Stream.

What if they're doing a competing freedom-style podcast together with one other person?

I feel like it's got a lot of people.

Mike Ermintrout.

And we never know when he's gone because we can't see if he froze.

It literally is like having a ghost in the house.

It's like sometimes he's like, what happened?

What year is it?

Yes, honey.

Go ahead.

So tell me how the David.

Did you hear him?

I heard him for like two seconds.

It's such a disaster.

We have to do it on Zoom, everyone, because A, I just got over Cobb.

And B, I'm shooting something this week and my schedule does not allow for anything else.

So we have to do this at night and it's just, it's just a little much.

And I have chronic halitosis, which I will not do anything about.

Even when we're outside, I'm like, whoa, buddy.

Oh, yeah.

I really push it when we're outside.

I'm like, yeah.

Hey,

let's play a three-charger.

I have a little fan that I put right under my mouth.

So there's a video of

the Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony.

I want to know, tell us a little about it in case we don't feel like watching that.

I had never been to one of these things before.

And, you know, I was excited to go.

And I thought, this is such a weird thing.

And because knowing Bob,

it's like,

of course,

he,

you know, deserves this kind of recognition for his work.

And the way, you know, you essentially you submit to the Hollywood chamber of commerce and the the you know the city council or whatever right okay because that's how I was wondering I know that you have to pay ten thousand dollars for your star it's not given to you however it's a great honor so anyone would pretty much do it

and not everybody you can't just pay ten thousand dollars you automatically get one no no you have to apply get approved and then you pay yeah so um you know but it's not like Bob is not the most Hollywood of people.

You know what I mean?

So it was, it was like a weird thing.

And he recognized that too.

And he, so, um, so it's all these, we're all gathered around on little folding chairs.

Um, and there's a, there's a, uh, like a red carpeted dais where

there's a podium and a mic and um, and people speak.

First, people get up from the chamber of commerce and they say their whatever.

And by the way, were you tested for COVID or was that just a coincidence?

Yeah,

because it was all outdoors.

Wow.

It was all outdoors.

But they had two people had COVID and they couldn't come.

Yes, but I think they tested either that day or sometime.

Just coincidentally, they happened to test because they maybe felt sick.

Exactly, exactly.

So

when it starts, you know that the ceremony is about to start because this music starts playing and it is the classic old song, Hooray for Hollywood.

And it plays for, I want to say, nine seconds.

And then it's.

What?

I thought you were going to say a long time.

That's cool.

Yes, I thought it would play so that it would like get your attention and then it would keep playing until everybody was.

You absolutely should.

It's like, let's have a moment.

Let's

use the song and have a good time.

It plays up until the like the initial hooray for Hollywood.

And then it sort of starts, you know, the chorus starts again and then they just like fade it out abruptly.

That is so crazy.

I want to pretty much

this event.

Okay, great.

Do you have a different computer?

Yeah, I switch computers, but this one, I don't know, guys.

You just took one off the pile?

Yeah.

Have you been having fun without me?

Well, he's just explaining.

It hasn't been fun at all, but he's been explaining how the Hollywood star ceremony goes.

Yeah, yeah.

You've missed very little.

You've missed very little.

You have to pay like 30 grand for it, right?

Oh, I thought it was 10,000.

Oh, I think it's.

I heard it was $500.

Okay, I'm looking forward to it.

I heard it's 10 cameos.

Oh, it's a $55,000.

I was dangerous.

Dang.

Okay.

Now that makes more sense, to be honest.

$10,000 did seem low, given how few areas areas of the sidewalk are left.

That's usually why,

like with in Bob's case, I think why it's happening when Better Saw Call, better, Better Saw Call comes out.

Oh, shit.

That's the episode title.

Because Bob doesn't want to pay for it himself, obviously.

So, but AMC uses it as permitting.

Exactly, you know,

yeah.

Yes, but like asked, can we submit you for this?

Are you okay with that?

He's like, oh, well,

I love that.

Yeah.

But, like, that's why I think Weird Al

didn't get his for a long time because, you know, a label isn't going to pay for it or anything.

But like, they're also

if you're

rich as

gold.

I was going to say that, but I don't even know what I mean by that.

Someone has said that, and I don't know what I mean.

He's a Greek person or a god, maybe.

Croesus.

And he was very rich.

Oh, Zach Alfanakis said it, I think, in Between Two Forens.

Hold on.

Rich as Croesus.

Croesus, what is that?

I wrote it, but.

Oh, you don't know?

It's, he's, yeah, he's a dude.

I'm looking at now.

Croesus was the king of Lydia, who reigned from 585

BC until his defeat by the Persian king Cyrus the Great in 547 or 546 BC.

Croesus was renowned for his wealth.

Well, don't make fun of him.

I'm making fun of how they wrote this thing, and they're saying he was defeated in like 547 or 546 BC.

It's like,

did you see that?

I don't fucking know.

Did you see that Twitter thread that the Dilbert guy did?

Oh my God, what's his deal?

You know, I'm sure I've said this before, but I loved

Dilbert.

What's the deal with Dilbert?

No, he's got a moment.

But I loved that comic when I was in like fifth grade.

I went through

this phase.

I just thought it was fantastic.

I don't know what

his tie went up and went stay down.

Isn't it?

Doesn't it have to do something to do with like him being at work, something that you like didn't relate to at all?

The whole thing, I think, I don't know why.

I just thought he was, I thought Dilbert was great.

When I was a kid, I loved the Lockhorns.

Oh, I just understood that name.

Right?

They didn't like each other.

Makes sense.

Wait.

Oh, so Dilbert said...

Let's just call him Dilbert.

Dilbert said.

Dilbert said.

What?

And I knew about Bob Odenkirk.

Dilbert got on Twitter.

I call Bob Dilbert.

He is kind of a Dilbert.

So Dilbert gets on stage.

There's a lot of similarities between Bob and Dilbert.

Like, if they did a live-action Dilbert, Bob might get the call.

I love that.

No, you know who Dilbert is.

It's Drew Carey.

It's like Dilbert's designed after Drew Carey.

Gotta be.

Yeah.

But Dilbert, Dilbert made this thread where he was talking about, it was just like listing,

it was like a list of numbers of like the number of times I've done this, the number of times

these, this happened to me, the number of things, this, blah, blah, blah.

It was just like this weird list out of nowhere.

And one of the ones was

number of times $50,000 has been stolen from me.

Five to seven.

I'm sorry.

How?

What's going on?

But really, what?

Like, one time would be mortifying.

Dilbert, get it together.

Five times

atrocious.

But then

it was either it was either five, six, or seven.

I'm not sure.

When $50,000 was stolen from me.

Yeah.

Dilbert's a real idiot.

Someone needs to handle his finances or what was the problem.

Dilbert, get your finances handled and buy a cameo from me.

That's a good way to invest, actually.

When you buy a cameo, it appreciates in value so everyone should buy they're not fungible did i ever tell you about the cameo i've received

as a gift no it's of matt roloff from little people big world and my friend jimmy fowley bought it for me and mike because we love that show sure and um it was fantastic and matt talks at lengths and also try

jimmy jimmy made him try to convince us to get on cameo so he spends a lot of the cameo talking about why cameo is great well that's nice.

It's fantastic.

And how often do you watch it again?

Never, and I don't know where it is.

I don't know where.

I don't know how to access it.

I don't know where it went.

I'd probably have to ask Jimmy to send it again.

I bet it's in the cloud.

I'm sure it's in some cloud.

So, so yeah, so everybody's gathered around on the side of this little dais.

And

some seats are better than others, right?

Some seats are better than

others.

People that are like the VIPs are directly in front of the thing, but they're still looking at a profile view of Bob because he is facing this bank of cameras, video cameras and still cameras, and

kind of giving this his, everyone's talking to them.

right yeah so ray seahorn from better call saw got up she she did a very lovely um and heartfelt um sort of tribute to bob and working with him and what a what a wonderful uh colleague colleague and friend that he is to her.

Then David Cross was introduced.

He was very funny.

Of course, he was shitting all over the whole thing.

But it was funny.

Like, he really made me laugh.

And then

there was just a ton of pictures being taken with various combinations of people, you know.

And the whole time,

all I'm thinking about is, I want to get a picture with Carol Burnett.

Like, this is not a thing that I ever do with people that I admire.

And I'm like, of all, there's like so few people that I would do this with.

And I'm like, I got to do it, but I'm so scared to do it because it's just like, I don't want to bother her.

And, you know, I, I've, I've, everyone's saying, everyone that has met her that's around there is like, no, no, no, she's, she's totally, she's so nice about it.

She's great and everything.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand that intellectually, but I can't make myself understand it emotionally.

And so

I wanted to take a picture of the star by itself, but there was like a little reception afterwards, and Carol Burnett started to leave.

And I was like, oh, I gotta, am I gonna do it?

And I'm like, I am, I'm literally like starting and stopping myself, like walking forward and then stopping because I don't, because it's like, well, now she's leaving.

She doesn't want to be bothered.

She wants to get the fuck out of here.

Right.

And so

somebody asked, like, do you think she'll be at the luncheon?

And they said, oh, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's where she's headed now.

So I was like, okay, so I have a second chance.

I'll come back and take a picture of the star uh because we parked right near it we'll walk to the luncheon and then we'll come back so um we walk to the luncheon uh

somehow uh everybody gets there before us it takes us so long to walk there that people have been there for a while Carol Brunette is there.

I'm like, okay, I'm not going to run right up to her and everything.

And it's also, it's a very heady experience for me because

there's all these people that I have been watching and admiring on television that are at this thing and they're just hanging out.

And I'm like, I don't want to go near anybody.

I don't want to go.

I don't want to strike up a conversation.

People could not have been nicer.

Everyone was very friendly and, you know.

And so

finally,

like Carol is, again, on her way out.

And

it was Ray Sehorn who likes like

stopped her because she met her before I had dinner with her and everything.

She was like, oh, Carol, I want to.

And like, she looked like Ray Seahorn looked over at me like, hey, we're going to, this has to happen.

Yeah.

That's nice.

Yeah.

And so

this bothered me a little bit.

I hand my phone to Janie

and she's going to take the picture.

I get next to Carol.

We're like standing there.

Then the professional photographer of the event comes and says, here, I got you guys.

And then he's like, move back into the shade a little bit, you know, because it's too bright and all that.

So we move back.

And now, so Janie

has just these pictures of us looking off in the distance yeah because this guy stepped in and got us full on and i'm like i don't know i guess i'll i'll find the watermarked version online if it exists

but i there was then there was you might be in like a you might be in like a breakdown on hollywood reporter like who was in attendance

maybe yeah but i did but there was another picture where there were other people in the photo they were out of frame just and they were like off to the side just enough that i was able to crop them out and post the picture that i posted on instagram and it was she was so nice and charming and funny.

And, you know, it was, it was an extremely

exciting moment for me.

Yeah.

That's so great.

Mary did a pilot with her like probably five years ago.

I was at the taping of that.

I auditioned for that pilot.

It was, I never wanted anything so bad as that.

I know.

It was really fun.

And it was, she was so hilarious.

Like when she walked on stage.

in the show and she was being so funny, it was like, it was like, I got chills.

Like, it was just like

so awesome.

She was so when Mary did, yeah.

And I was just so proud of her.

Um, no, but when, when, when Carol, like, she comes down this staircase and she's being funny, and it was just like, oh, I can't believe I'm in the same room as this person.

It's like, did she have like the drapes from Gone with the Winds?

She might as well.

You know, in my memory, she does.

Like, I know she didn't, but like, it's what it was.

And it was just great.

Do you think in Better Call Saul?

they'll include the take where Bob had the heart attack and just like you'll see just for a second, like him clutch his heart and then it like like edits to the next to the next thing I that would be if if somebody there's this thing on YouTube called Star Trek intakes where this this guy takes bloopers from Star Trek and he puts them in the scenes that they were in right so the scene the scene plays like normal with one person just doing a crazy thing and then the scene continues like normal it's really really funny and if they did that with Hall's Hall or like all of a sudden, Jimmy falls on the floor and then the scene just keeps going.

But now this is my second time seeing Carol Burnett in person.

The first time I did not get to speak to her, but it was when she was a guest on Watch What Happens Live on the Bravo Network because I had a friend who was a producer for that show.

And, you know, they have a secret little tiny like 10-person audience at that show.

Yeah.

It's off-camera.

I was a guest on it once.

Yeah.

the record.

So you saw those folks.

And so I was invited to be in there because my friend knew how much Carol Burnett meant to me.

And so I was there watching the interview.

Do you remember when Andy Cohen's dumb fucking dog snapped at her face?

Yes, it was a big thing.

What?

Yeah.

Carol Burnett's face.

Yes.

Her face?

This dumbass dog tried to take it.

He has since rehomed the dog.

Yeah, no kidding.

Because the dog had a number of things like that.

And then he, Andy had a child, and then it was, you know.

And he had a child.

Yeah.

So he's like, oh, I'll just have this instead.

Let's get rid of this dangerous monster.

And his son bites.

Oh, no.

You can't rehome the kids.

If

he tried to bite Carol Burnett's face off, his son, his son did that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

His son.

His son did that.

His son.

His son did that.

His son did that.

Just got the DNA ourselves back.

His son is 100% that bitch.

Well, that's a really fun day.

That's very exciting.

It was a fun day.

It was very strange and surreal in a lot of ways.

And, you know, I got to meet Giancarlo Esposito and we talked about,

like Bob prompted him to talk about, is it called The Best Worst Thing, the documentary about the Sondheim musical Merrily We Roll Along?

I don't know.

Oh, man.

It's absolutely worth watching.

Yeah.

Yes.

Him, Jason Alexander.

It's like it's wild.

Or back in like 1980 or whatever.

Yeah, but it's a documentary.

Oh, there was stars.

Wow.

About this very ambitious and strange Sondheim musical that was

told backwards.

Every scene.

It's like memento.

Or like betrayal.

Exactly.

Or betrayed.

We're betrayed with a little memento mixed in.

Betrayal, but yeah.

And so is it?

Is it a documentary made recently or it's an old documentary?

The documentary is also backwards, which is very hard to watch.

It starts with the words, the end.

It's a pretty recent documentary, but there's a ton of archival footage and photographs, and they interview the people, and it's really absolutely worth watching because, as Scott was saying, it starts from the point of view of these characters as middle-aged people, older people, looking back at their lives.

And so they de-age throughout the show.

And it's and it ends with them as like bright youths who have optimism and all this kind of stuff.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

It's a it's a great idea, but like to have the same people do it, it's it's kind of, I think about this a lot when I see

actors in old age makeup, like young actors, like you had your hoover.

Yeah, exactly.

But I'm like, this is us.

Oh my God, is it going to end with them being babies again?

I've never seen it.

I don't know.

What if it ends with their parents having a baby?

Oh, I watch every single single episode.

Never seen it.

And do you cry and cry and cry?

You know, every once in a while, they'll get a tear out of my old eye.

They'll squeeze a tear out of that onion of an eyeball you have.

Yeah.

And you say, this is us.

You got me.

I'm really looking forward to seeing how they wrap it up.

There's only five episodes left.

Oh, my God.

Lauren must be so excited.

You know about the Merrily We Roll Along movie, right?

That they're making.

I don't know about that.

No, tell me about this.

Well, it's Richard Link later, and he's going to film it over the next 20 20 years with.

What is the wrong with this guy?

This is his fucking thing?

That's his thing now.

But it's with

what's her name?

God, all I can think of is Beanie Siegel, who's a rapper.

Bean Feldstein?

Yeah, Beanie Feldstein Siegel.

Beanie Feldstein and one other person.

And so they're

shooting it backwards.

So when they're young, they're going to shoot the end and then they're going backwards and all that.

But it sounds cool.

It's so much to ask somebody that's in their 20s to put on a bunch of slop on their face and then act like, oh, is this my well, that's Mandy Moore's job for the last six years.

And it is, it is fascinating.

She just was posting about how she just had the last day of old age makeup and she had done it 45 times this season alone.

This season?

Oof.

No, no, it seems like a pain in the ass.

I did it once on the Bang Bang TV show, and it was a three and a half hour process, I think, and then an hour to take it off.

I mean, yeah, yeah, I just can't imagine being like on Star Trek and having to do it every single day.

Yeah, man.

I don't, I, that is like

when you sign up to be a series regular who's a weird space monster, yeah, and you're saying, well, okay, I will be at work every day at 4 a.m.

and everyone else will arrive three hours later.

If you're lucky, you get like a weird nose, and that's it.

Just a weird nose ridge?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Like, what's her name on Deep Space Sign?

Uh, Nano Visitor.

I loved when you could tell that every

fourth episode, like Voyager, when they're just constantly encountering new aliens, and that every fourth episode, they're like, this guy's just got a weird nose.

We don't have a bunch of damage.

We've got

a whole fish man.

This guy just has a weird nose.

But it's always the nose.

It's never just like the ears.

Sometimes it's the ears.

Well, it's Spock is just the ears.

And the eyebrows.

Yeah.

Just the ears.

When you're in bed, do you ever say, just the ears?

Yeah.

I say, cradle the nose, work the ears.

Did I tell you what I tried to put that into a script that we hoped Sylvester Stallone was going to do?

Yes, you did.

Yes, you did.

You did what?

Do you know that story about cradle?

Never mind.

We would never hear it.

Come on.

You got to tell it to this little person.

You got to tell the story.

Well, it's a famous like Hollywood lore that some sound man picked up Sylvester Stallone's audio during a break.

His mic, he still had a hot mic, and he was getting a blowjob in his trailer.

And it was like, Cradle the Bulls.

I can't even do it.

And then what were you going to write?

Cradle the Bulls, work the shaft.

Work the shaft.

So, so we were we were writing him this part in Shark Tale 2,

and

we had him as a fish like going down

a shaft or or something.

So, we were trying to slip.

But, so you're one of those perverts, like when they make those Disney, they say there's like a hidden sex in the clouds and like Aladdin and stuff.

You're like, you're basically that.

You're like, here for Shirk Tale, I'm going to try to get a shaft and balls reference in here.

Um, we never thought you could do it.

It's more innocent than what the Disney people do.

I think it's all sick, but I, uh,

I, well, you know, it's funny because it's like, it's a hilarious quote, but it also, I, it reminds me just of this one sex tip i read in cosmo when i was the teenager

and it was i did say that but i didn't mean to i was a teenager and it was like a list of like yeah that one teenager to like make him hot or whatever the fuck

i'd want to well i don't know but you'll see how i'd settle for two

you can tell there were 50 because one of them was literally this cradle his balls like a baby bird

like a baby bird

i don't even think that would be, I mean, realistically, I don't even think.

Here's what I think is like two hands.

That's what I think of when I think cradling a baby.

Yeah.

Like a sick bird that you find on the paper.

I never forgot that.

It's the only one I remembered, but yeah.

So you do it all the time.

I would say brandy snifter.

That's the metaphor.

Well, I don't think a lot of teens know about what that is.

They should.

But they do know about baby birds.

They should write an article on the bird.

They have to learn How to hold baby bird, how to types of snifters that they should buy.

Craig is balls like a baby bird.

Yeah, isn't that sick?

It's beautiful advice.

Um, did you take a break yet, by the way?

No, did you?

No, yeah, I just took many breaks.

That's true.

So, your cumulative breaks lead us to our one break.

Yep.

All right, bye-bye.

Bye.

Cooler temps are rolling in.

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Okay, well, their denim's durable and it fits right.

What about leather jackets?

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There's so much advice out there, and all we want to do as parents is get it right.

The great news is you're the expert on your child, and sometimes figuring out what they need is as simple as getting them to talk.

I'm Dr.

Susan Swick, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, and I'm also a mother of four.

On my new podcast, Talk Aboutable, I'll hear from parents about what's keeping them up at night, and we'll figure out how to tackle it by talking about it.

From Lemonada Media, Talk Aboutable is at September 9th.

Follow wherever you get your podcasts.

Oh my god, here it is.

I found it.

The actual audio?

I found the Cosmo list.

Oh,

because I typed in Cosmo.

I did see a special pod.

I love it.

Baby.

Okay,

we're back.

We're back.

Guys, this is so sick.

I found the fucking Cosmo article.

And

sit back, relax.

I have to enjoy it.

I have to sit back and relax.

That's exactly what I did.

Maybe I read this.

I don't know if this came out when I read it.

You bring the instructions to watch this and enjoy it.

This is sick.

Anyway, number 23.

Wait, what year?

It says 2010, but I read it.

2010.

But this is when it's online.

I'm like, I definitely read it in print, and I don't know that I would have been, maybe I would have been awarded it 2010, but I don't think so.

I mean, I read magazines, so it's possible but i wasn't 30 in 2010.

i'm still laughing at sylvester stall in 2010

introducing the clip it's like famous people like hello i'm kelsey grammer do you remember that time i fell off the stage oh my god have you seen the one where they matched it up with big birding off the stage

there's this clip of big bird falling off the stage in some sort of performance like on a children's play or something and then like they mashed it up with kelsey Grammar's audio of him falling off the stage.

And it's so funny.

What if Stallone did like

Tumbersrun style narration over it?

Like, can I just read you this?

What it actually says?

Oh, my God.

This is so fucking sick.

I'm actually.

Okay, give us some tips.

Give us tips.

I want to hold my balls.

This is our gen X brain breakers.

Number 23 is hold my balls the way you'd hold a baby bird.

A little baby bird.

Oh, this is from men.

Yeah, this is

saying, here's how you get me hot.

30 sex tricks.

This is just one guy saying things that he likes.

30 sex tricks to try this summer.

Make me in that thumb.

Make Nookie more exciting by trying these passion pointers straight from the men.

We guarantee neither of you would mind the intense heat from these moves.

Neither of you would mind it.

One of them is blow on my nipples.

Treating my balls so delicately.

It's making me hot.

Oh my God.

Blow on his nipples.

nipples are like nothing blowing.

Nothing happens.

Nothing happens.

Oh, my God.

I can't read any more of these.

They're too hot to handle.

So you read one to us, and that's it.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the only one you can handle.

How about this?

Grab my butt with both.

Grab my butt with what?

With gusto?

I can't read it in the first person.

Say it.

Oh, because it'll be a drop?

Yeah.

I'm going to say, grab his butt with both hands when you're giving him oral.

instead of the one hand that you'd normally do.

I just feel like if you have to read this and you're using the idea, like, just you shouldn't.

Just don't do it.

Don't do it.

And just try kissing on the lips.

I'm stressed out.

Oh, no.

Why?

Why?

Just the idea of teens and all that.

So you read all of them when you were younger.

No, I know I did.

How many did you, have you like absorbed through on most?

I used to read them all.

all

when you were reading it, were you like, oh boy, this is like

so hot.

I have to go to mass.

I need to pray.

You've got to pray.

Pray.

You got to pray.

You got to pray just to make it today.

What's he up to?

Should we have him as a guest?

MC Hammer?

Yeah.

He appeared in some commercial, I think, fairly recently.

Yes, where it was like, remember me, kind of.

Yeah, it's like, I mean, go for it, man.

Get the money.

Give me things.

Wasn't he bankrupt in Bankruptcy?

He was bankrupt, yes.

That was rough.

I don't really know what bankrupt means, like, because it doesn't mean you don't have any money, right?

I think it means different things for different people.

Yeah.

It's basically if you file for bankruptcy protection,

that means that your...

I have every day.

Your money is like frozen and people can't come get it from you.

Then they have to work it out for you.

Like, they'll like a creditor will work out, like, okay, will you pay this, you know, this amount of cents on the dollar to us back?

Um, but they can't actually like legally get it from you.

I see.

It's frozen.

They put a sticker of Elsa on it.

Yeah.

So then everyone knows.

And everyone's like, let it go.

Yeah.

Let it go.

Would you like to buy a snowman?

I can't.

I can't.

I'm bankrupt.

I'm

okay.

Here's the deal.

If Paige Davis ever guests on the show, then MC Hammer can be a guest.

How about that?

I think that's fair.

I feel like

it's more than fair.

The order goes Paige Davis, MC Hammer, Mary Holland.

No, and you can't sworn to the stage.

Hold on a second.

We have sworn that she will never be a guest on this show.

But, Paul, what I'm saying is there's no fucking way we get MC Hammer on this show.

If we get Paige Davis, we'll get MC Hammer.

Yeah, it's a package.

Once Hammer hears that Paige did the show,

yeah, everything will start to come together.

Yeah, that makes sense.

You're right.

That's real.

You're right.

You're right.

It's too risky.

I can't put Mary on the list.

That's like some real monkeys paw stuff.

Yeah, you're right.

I shouldn't put her on.

I'm taking her on.

I'm taking her off.

I should serve her.

Marihala, not on the show.

La la la la lula.

We've really really hit a wall.

So, do you

is it tough not seeing you?

La la la la.

It isn't helping.

It isn't helping.

Because there are a lot of like facial cues of like, okay, I'm talking about it.

Wrap it up.

Scott makes his eyes go real big sometimes.

And you're like, Scott, Scott, what happened?

Yeah.

Sometimes he makes a big frowny face.

He's like, Scott, Scott, what's wrong?

All right, this is Sylvester's slum.

This is Sylvester's Law.

Will you grab my balls with your hand and stroke the shaft?

Sound familiar?

That was new.

Instead of evolution.

Instead of evolution, man.

As you don't grab on my cock and balls with both hands and pull like your life depends on it.

Hey, you want to baby bird me?

All right.

Quibble.

Hold my balls like a little baby bird.

Grab my balls with both hands.

You're giving me a word.

a little bit.

My balls are a little baby bird that fell out of the nest.

And if you touch me, my mommy won't take me back.

So just hover your hands right under them so I know they're coming.

Hey, why don't you chew up some food and spit them on my balls?

Hey, why don't you chew up my

dick like a little baby bird?

My balls are dick like a little baby bird.

My balls are currently in a nest.

What do you think?

Put my balls in a little hammock and let them swing.

Let me paint a picture for you.

You walk down the street, you hear a little peep, peep, peep.

You look down.

It's my balls.

You pick them up.

You say, what's roar?

My balls.

All I can do is go peep, peep, peep, peep.

Sly, this is just the intro.

Come on.

Pick up my balls and

pick up my balls and hold them up at a normal height.

So pull them way above my dick.

Pull them up to my chest.

Hold them like a little baby.

Get it up.

Get it up.

Normal like you're standing up.

Squeeze some water on my balls.

Squeeze Squeeze the water.

Get a little dropper and squeeze the water of my balls.

Take my balls.

Let them flow down like a little dewdrop on a flower that a bee is about to suck.

Jesus Christ.

What is that the worst part?

That a bee's about to suck.

Suck.

Suck my dick like a little bee getting the pollen out of a little flower.

Well, I hope you enjoy my clip.

If I ever have a hot mic again when I'm getting a blowjob, you know where to find me.

I'll be back.

My mic's still hot.

Now I'm going to go take a dump.

Hey, toilet.

Cradle my shit like a little baby book.

Hey, toilet.

Toilet.

It's like the Siri of toilets.

Hey, toilet.

Toilet.

Cradle my shit.

Toilet.

Receive my trip.

My shit.

Cradle my shit.

Toilet.

Flush shit away.

Cradle my shit.

God, even if that.

Cradle my shit.

I sure deserve it.

Even if that was a videotape that he put out that was only five minutes long, you'd still buy it.

The clip itself is what, 10 seconds?

Yeah, at the most.

And then you'll just.

Fantastic.

Yeah.

Intro, outro.

He booked it with two and a half minutes.

If you put that audio clip over Big Bird falling off a stage.

No.

Oh, no, please don't leave Big Bird out of it.

No, no.

Put it over Kelsey Grammar falling off a stage.

Yes.

Gradle the balls, Kelsey.

Yes, Queen.

And he falls down.

Smashes and falls.

I mean, as funny as it is, that must have fucking hurt so hard.

Of course it did.

Plus, you're not expecting to fall.

It's like the worst thing that can happen when you're on stage.

How did it happen?

It's so sad.

He basically walked off it in a weird way, like into like a little pit.

Yeah.

He had a spotlight on him, couldn't see shit.

Niles wasn't there to help him.

Neither was that dog.

Eddie.

Moose.

Eddie played by Moose.

I almost said Winston.

I don't know.

He checked in.

Oh, no, that's Dunstan.

That was Dunstan.

Dunstan checked in, but Winston, similar to Wishbone, a very famous dog who could travel to time.

Oh, was that Wishbone's deal?

He was a time traveler?

Yeah, he'd be like, here, why don't we go back to Shakespeare's time?

And now I'm Shakespeare and I'm a dog.

What?

Wait, he'd be the famous people?

Yeah.

That I'd be like, you know, I have to say, I always flipped the channel when Wishbone came on because it was after Arthur and Arthur was a little more highbrow.

Wishbone was was a little too, yeah, a little too baby.

Well, you were reading Cosmo.

What was Arthur's whole deal?

Arthur was a fantastic character.

He's an Aardvark.

Actually, he recently, they recently wrapped up Arthur and they had them, they showed all the characters as 20-somethings.

What?

Well, how old are they on the show?

I have to watch that because I heard they were going to cry.

I won't make you cry again.

Yeah, they were all hot.

It was, I think they were like

eight years old on the show.

Were they of legal age?

They were like eight years old and they were.

I love that show when I was little.

Oh, it was so comfortable.

Um, but I loved Arthur, and they also had this segment called A Word from Us Kids, where they would go to a school and like to see some kids, and they would do some sort of activity and show you about it.

And there was one that's very memorable, which always comes to mind, where these kids were drawing different sorts of heroes or something.

And one person drew Pele, the soccer player.

And then they said, Pele, Pele, scores great goals.

But there's no second part of a rhyme.

There was definitely other stuff that happened, but I don't remember anything besides that.

And I bet you anyone who knows what I'm talking about will only remember that part.

Pele because there was also this one where they go to a school for the blind, and these kids show how they baked cookies.

And I always remember that they would tap the they would hit the baking sheet with a spoon to see where there was space to put the dough.

Hit the baking sheet with a spoon.

I wonder if the chocolate were the chocolate chips like in Braille.

Yeah, and then that's the recipe.

The chocolate chips like in braille.

Yeah.

Scott, I've never been more disappointed in you.

Why?

I think it would be a good idea.

I've never been disappointed that you haven't patented something.

It would say, this is a chocolate chip cookie.

It would say the whole thing.

Have either of you guys ever heard of a show called Hodge Podge Lodge?

No, no, no, no.

I'm curious.

No.

Is it a home makeover show?

No, it was ostensibly a kid show,

and it was this fucking old lady who lived in the Hodge Podge Lodge.

She was not like a character person.

She was just an old lady who did crafts, and she would show you some crafts.

And it was so,

I know, I wish.

I got to look for it on YouTube because at the time it enraged me because as a kid, I want to be entertained.

This was not entertaining.

I know.

It was boring as shit and was that kind of thing where this is supposed to be for me, I think.

I think this is supposed to be aimed at me, but I'm not enjoying it.

Well, the worst was when frugal gourmet would come on.

It's like if you're gonna

get away like I might leave it on if I have nothing else on.

PBS was such a minefield because you would see something that was great and then all of a sudden there's the fucking frugal gourmet.

I know.

Can you believe it?

That guy really got to do whatever the fuck he wanted.

Well, until he was caught by the police.

No, what did he do?

What did he do?

I can't.

I cannot.

Why is everyone caught by the police?

He sexually,

he sexually harassed underage

boys.

I think it was like people that worked on the show.

What the hell?

He was like a predator.

He was a predator.

Oh, my God.

He died in 2004.

Thank God.

Thank God.

Jeff something, right?

Jeff Smith.

I bet his real name was Jeff Predator.

That's one of the first things about him.

He settled in.

Oh, a sex scandal ruined his career.

That's in his obituary.

Six people.

Oh, geez.

Six people alleged.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, boy.

You just.

Well, you know what?

I knew I got a bad feeling when I saw him.

That's why you would turn it off.

I was always like, ooh, I got the heebie-jeebies.

But what about the cooking Cajun, Justin Wilson?

I guarantee.

From the Big Easy?

Oh,

guys, and he also molested a hitchhiker.

I can't with this fucking guy.

Rest in hell.

Hey, you know what you were frugal with?

Your fucking morals, you piece of shit.

I know.

Rest in piss.

Ride the devil's dick till dawn.

Griddle the devil's ball.

And let the devil's shaft work its way into your

throat, Venus, wherever.

Guys,

let's take a break.

I'm Hussa Minhaj, and I have been lying to you.

I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hussin Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.

People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Is America too dumb for democracy?

Outrageous.

Parenting expert Dr.

Becky.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?

It's a good question.

Listen to Hussa Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts

and we're back and and i like it we're gonna attempt a threecher

here on shitty internet um this one is called press junk it submitted by kp thomas press junk it

i wonder if by the way you should call it you should call it shitternet Shit ornet.

Lauren, you've cracked it.

I wonder if it's Kitchen Patrol, Thomas.

KP Duties.

I've got Kitchen Patrol.

His name is KP Duties, the person who submitted the name of the

Kitchen Patrol.

KP Thomas.

KP Duties.

Hi, I'm KP Duties.

And I'm here to introduce Sylvester Stallone for his videotape.

But first,

let the duty fall in the toilet.

Hello, toilet.

Hey, toilet man, who got hit with a brick.

Okay, so this is called.

Wait, no, no, no, no.

This isn't the one I wanted to do.

Oh, Jesus.

KP Thomas, you're out.

This is Anchors Away.

This is the first one when I looked earlier.

Okay, this is

submitted by Sean.

One name.

Wow.

Exciting.

Yeah.

How is it spelled?

S-H-A-W-N.

Okay.

That's what I thought for some reason.

Interesting.

That's what I pictured in my life.

Are you Sean?

Yeah.

Okay, so

this is Anchors Away.

This is three of us play two head anchors on a news show, and then the third is an on-the-scene reporter during the same broadcast.

The head anchor, or one of the anchors, and the on-the-scene reporter team up and are aware of something bad the co-anchor did.

And they continually hint at the issue seamlessly while doing the broadcast.

The topic is agreed upon.

We're going to text each other before it starts.

And the other anchor tries to guess what the two are hinting at.

Look, I love every variation of this same game.

I know.

And this one's no different.

I can't wait to play it.

So where's Scott?

Scott, where do you want to be?

Greg or Greg.

I'll be whatever.

Since I don't have a camera, what is...

So you should be the

on the scene?

Yeah.

Okay.

And then

which one do you want to be, Paul?

The co-anchor or the head anchor?

Are you tricking or being tricked?

I'll be tricked.

Okay.

Okay.

So I'm the head anchor and Scott and I will work together.

We'll text each other what you did and we're going to work on getting that out to you.

ASAP.

ASAP.

Paul, just hold on to your hat.

And in other news, all of the puppies are free now.

So they're running around the park and they will be available for adoption if any of them make it back to the park.

Great stuff.

Really good to hear that.

Yeah.

We go now with a story, following up on a story we were talking about earlier.

There was a big fire at one of the big buildings downtown, and we have a reporter down there right now, Mitch Carondo.

Mitch Carondo down there on the scene.

Mitch, what can you do?

Mitch the bitch, what's going on, buddy?

Mitch, I got to stick on.

I really wish you wouldn't call me that.

I've asked you several, several times to please.

Yeah,

especially on air.

But it's in good fun, and I feel like you're asking us not to do it also in good fun.

So, we're going to continue to do it.

I now have people on the street coming up to me, calling me bitch.

They're not even calling me Mitch the bitch.

They're just calling me bitch the mitch.

That might just be what they're calling you.

I don't know.

I think it's the best.

What can you tell us about the fire?

All right.

Well, um, the fire, uh, uh, as you can see, it's still blazing behind me.

It's been going on for now 72 hours.

Uh, only one building.

They can't seem to get it out.

They've run out of water.

And

it's a restaurant.

And of course, you know restaurants

very well.

You do.

You really do, buddy.

Well, you know, well, you know cooking.

Yeah, I mean, you're familiar with what happens in them.

And

so listen,

we can't see who you're looking at.

It would help if you use our names.

We're talking about you.

What are are your names again?

We've never discussed that.

Well, obviously, my co-anchor here is Rilph.

Rilph.

Rilph.

Oh, okay.

Rilph the Dilph.

That's right.

I'm a dad you would like to fuck.

According to the poll that we took over Labor Day weekend, and thank you to everyone who voted me a dad that you would like to fuck.

Wait, do you call me a bitch because of a poll that people voted on?

Yeah.

Sure.

And obviously, my name is Runt.

Runt, Rilph, and Runt.

Why have we never talked about your names?

I've worked here for well, we're not the news.

We report the news, and we don't like to be part of the story.

It doesn't matter who the mouthpiece is.

Now, can we just get back?

Speaking of mouthpiece, Rilf, you love to eat, but you don't love to speak.

I love to eat, but I don't love to speak.

Well, I mean,

when it's important,

you don't speak.

Yeah, exactly.

You hold your tongue, but then when you want something, you laugh it up.

Yeah, you certainly do.

A lot like some of the bystanders here who are refusing to talk about who set the fire.

Yeah.

Right, bitch.

Have the fire department released the names of any suspects to any cause of the fire?

Well, I mean, I don't know why you would be so concerned about that, Rilph,

because aren't you used to just kind of turning your back to that kind of thing?

Now, Bitch, when we talk about that, what we mean by that is, and of course, I'm just getting on the same page as you, that Rilph is somebody who doesn't really stand up for what's right.

Yeah, he doesn't.

I beg your pardon.

What did you say?

Yeah, what do you think?

He doesn't really stand up for what's right.

And I mean, you know, I mean, it's not like you care about people taking personal responsibility.

So why do you care if they found a suspect or not?

Okay, well, it is part of the news.

And

it sounds like you're accusing me of something and something to do with food and restaurants and eating, not speaking, not standing up for someone.

And I think it's that someone, I saw someone be slapped at a restaurant and i didn't say anything well i'll tell you ralph this was

that easy this was one of the few restaurants that catered to a poorer clientele people who were uh very concerned with how they spent their money pinchers penny pinchers i don't know of another way to say this but uh they were they with their money they certainly were they were thoughtful about how they spent it about how they spent it yeah and unfortunately this place is now gone i actually think i think google was named after this word

i mean it certainly rhymes with it but

in any case.

Well, because Google is a free search engine and the word that rhymes is a cheap way to be.

Yeah, that's true.

But in real life.

You're saying frugal.

Frugal is the word.

Well, yeah, you're saying it is what I'm saying.

So you're saying, I believe if I'm correct, and we'll get back to the fire in just a minute, bitch.

But what you're saying is that

I'm a cheapskate.

You're saying you certainly interacted with one quite a lot, one of your good friends,

very famously frugal.

Yeah, very famously famously frugal and also uh uh you know uh was a restaurateur of sorts and a creep ass yeah

uh i i you might be talking about my friend uh jeff smith uh

if i if i'm not much mistaken and of course i have i have uh detailed our relationship and how i didn't know uh what he was doing at the time and uh that's why i never said anything Yeah, it looks like that fire bitch has gone down completely behind you because the building is gone.

Yeah, it actually just burnt out just while we were talking.

Because the building building is gone.

The building's totally gone, and all the people are gone, and everything's gone.

So, that was really

horrible reporting on your part, bitch.

And I, yeah, I was not paying attention.

Sorry, yeah, I do hope that the firemen weren't just listening to us and they were trying to put the fire out, but maybe they were pretty distracted by me because I was waving to them, like, hey, I need to talk to you during this whole thing, right?

Right, right, right.

Well, Mitch, the bitch, thank you for that report.

Uh, it's a shame it wasn't more informational, but uh, that is the news game.

Anyway, uh, I am selling copies of signed

recipe books from Just Smith the Frugal Gourmet

at a discounted price.

I was selling cookies.

And to be clear, these are recipe books.

These are not cookbooks.

These are just recipe books.

They're recipe books.

Recipes for what?

To teach you how to cook anything.

They are just, they are actually, to be strictly fair, they are ingredient books.

These are just lists of the ingredients that are in certain dishes.

So it's basically a dictionary, but only the food words.

That's exactly right.

And they're in alphabetical order.

And

there's no

amounts listed, no units of measurement.

It is strictly just all the food words from the body.

Strictly Dickly.

It's a glossy.

Strictly Dickly.

Strictly Dickly.

Strictly Dickly.

Which is what I nicknamed Jeff Smith, the frugal gourmet.

Strictly Dickly?

Yep.

Okay, I knew it.

I knew about it.

I knew about all of it.

Oh, we knew it.

You're a bad person.

This is my final broadcast.

And, Runt, I want to say what a pleasure it's been serving by your side.

And Mitch the Bitch, always a pleasure to see you standing in front of a building that burned down.

I love you, Rolf.

I love you too.

I love you both.

Yeah, I've never said it before.

Well, I love you guys too.

Yeah,

and I've never said that at all to anyone.

Do you think I could have your job?

Are you able to name your successor?

Or?

Because I'm tired of being out here in the cold.

I think because I am disgraced, I don't think they're going to let me name my successor.

Yeah, I think being disgraced is a part of a problem for that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I don't know.

It might be up to Runt here.

Yeah, Runt.

Do you?

I mean, do I have a shot?

Or

replacing him?

Him.

Yeah.

I have a few other people on my mind.

Who are you?

Who are you?

I picked for Mitch the Bitch.

There's this cool guy named Sly who has a lot of stuff going on with his phone.

Welcome to the news.

I was in the next studio over.

Hey, if you heard about the weather, it's still going to rain.

And here's the guy to tell you all about it.

It's Rayman.

Yeah.

Rainman.

That's what he calls the weather.

Yeah, so I'm picking him.

All right.

Well,

I'm going to quit.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to stay because I'm now finally going to break the glass ceiling and I'm just curious what it feels like.

And on behalf of myself, Runt, Mitch the Bitch, and all of us here at the WPVX family.

I really wish you wouldn't speak for me.

Good night, and don't forget to be a tattletale.

All right.

Fun housing.

Good three.

Good three.

Thank you.

Sorry, Sean.

Sorry, Sorry, Sean.

This one was great.

Sean did great.

Sorry, KP.

We didn't get to that.

Oh, it was KP.

Sean was the one who did good.

KP

poorly.

Yeah.

Sorry, KP.

Constantly poorly.

That's what KP stands for.

Wow, spelled wrong.

That's great.

Yeah, even that.

I know.

Even that was poorly done.

I love it.

I love it so much.

And I love it.

Oh, I want to say it.

And I love it so much.

I love it so much.

Sickenating.

This is it.

We have fun, guys.

What a wonderful, weird episode we just had.

It was really a weird episode, and I hope everyone loved it.

And I really hope you all get a cameo from Paul.

I hope you do, too.

I hope you do, too.

Listen, we're Freedom USA on Twitter and Instagram.

We are threedomusa at gmail.com.

We have a phone number.

Don't know what it is.

No.

We know.

We refuse to look it up.

Maybe somebody could put it in the chat.

I don't think it exists yet.

No?

We recorded an outgoing message.

Yeah, in anticipation.

Yeah, they're slow to say that.

No, we made that a priority to record an outgoing message for a number we don't have.

Still in the works, Kevin says.

Still in the works.

Well, hey, everybody.

I guess, you know, just keep an ear out for that phone number news.

It's still in the works.

I'm sure if you follow us.

I mean, you know how hard it is to get a phone number.

Have you ever seen

that one?

Here's why we're it's taking so long.

We're paying for new numbers to be made.

Investigators.

Yeah, because we pay.

So you've heard of 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9.

We're trying to get 10 and 11 and 12 put on the phone.

Oh, well, yeah.

See, I know we're trying to get 10, 11, and 12 put onto the phone number.

I also know we're trying to get Flarvin and Blim.

Yeah.

Do you know how about that fucking remember Seleno and Barnes?

And now Seleno's dead.

And now it's just the Barnes Barnes firm, injury attorneys, divided

eight million.

Wow, that's sad.

I didn't know that uh Florence is gone or whoever you're talking about.

No more Salino, Salino, no more cilantro.

I'm really sorry, no more cilantro ever.

He got shot in the fucking head by Monte Corleo.

All right, goodbye.

Too long,

bye, bye.

Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.

We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.

So this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.

Uncared for season three from Lemonada Media, available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's Lena Waith.

Legacy Talk is my love letter to Black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us.

This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Felicia Rashad, Loretta Devine, Eva Duvernay, and more.

We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day.

Come be a part of the conversation.

Season 2 drops July 29th.

Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast, or watch us on YouTube.