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Three.

Oh, freedom!

Freedom!

What?

Wait, there are a lot of people.

Oh, I'm missing it.

Freedom!

Threedom!

Freedom!

Freedom!

What happened there?

No.

Did you lose a sense of rhythm?

I lost my sense of deridim.

Here, let's hear you count to four.

I hear you count to four.

Yeah, you're missing the two and the three.

Come on, really?

Yeah.

Do you know what two is?

I did it again.

Oh, my God.

Slow down.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Four.

No, this is two.

Shit.

How about this?

Five.

Yeah, but it wasn't one, four.

Yeah.

What about this?

Ten, four, good buddy.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah.

I can only.

My timing is reduced to trucker TikTok.

Yes.

I love it.

On the dirty side?

When I was a kid and Smoking the Bandit came out and CB Lingo was a big deal.

Oh, man.

I fucking loved it.

Is that why CB Lingo was a big deal?

Yes.

I think.

Yeah.

I mean, there's no other reason.

Cowboy stuff in gener, like trucker stuff and cowboy country stuff in general.

CB is a

distance to Morse code being cool.

Yeah.

I guess.

Dot, dot, dash, dash, dot, dot.

But it makes me think of a Christmas story, which is like he's using his decoder.

Oh, yeah.

Wait, was Morse code?

No, it's not Morse code, actually, at all.

And I'm thinking about, no, but I am thinking about

now I'm thinking about Morse code because I'm trying to.

Are you thinking about semaphores?

Because I'm trying to.

Semaphore is the flag.

What semiphor?

No, but I'm thinking about walkie-talkie.

Semaphore is my favorite girl sculpture.

We would try to do.

Oh, absolutely.

But what, so flag, flag language?

Like if you're holding two flags.

And they do

slaps, depending on how you hold them.

It's for naval stuff.

Yeah.

So you can communicate to another.

Ship to ship.

Yeah.

It's a lot of good ideas, honestly.

You're really

good.

I know.

I feel like being over here.

Morse code.

You're forcing me to only look at you.

Oh, okay.

That's not true at all.

What are you talking about?

Balance it out.

You're forcing me to look at you.

Wait, code, Morse code is like, I think, probably the hardest language to learn of all the languages.

Okay.

Because it's like

snow dot dot dash.

It's like there's no very easy.

Because I'm a person and I do words.

And those are

right.

And so other languages, Italian, that's words.

I don't know.

Morse already.

It's a lot easier than dot dot dash.

Another language.

You what?

You only know snow?

So you know it in a million versions if you're.

Hold on.

Hold on.

No.

Isn't that a a myth that Inuit people have the word to say we don't say that anymore

Inuit thank you

but that's isn't that a myth wasn't that an urban legend that they have 85 words for snow or whatever

it's not real no it's not real okay I'm catching up to speed

this is the podcast where Lauren learns things by the way welcome to freedom the podcast where Lauren learns things I'm Lauren I'm Paul and I'm Lauren too

just like in uh uh little shop of horrors oh yeah

I'm Lauren too There were two Laurens in my workout class this morning.

Oh, no.

And I was eventually called tall Lauren.

Oh,

was the other Lauren?

One of them was small Lauren, but she was.

Was she, should she have been short, Lauren?

Like, was she so short she should have been short, Lauren?

I never really clocked it.

I don't really pay attention to height, honestly.

I think it's a tall person thing.

You just don't know.

Yeah,

I'm always looking down at the top of the head.

Exactly.

So what am I thinking?

With a lot of women, I don't really clock their height unless they're extremely short or something.

My coworker

had to tell me, I think, two years in that she was 5'1.

I was like, really?

Yeah.

If you met Brianne of Tarth, you would be like, she's tall.

Yeah.

Who's that?

I did meet her.

The tall lady, the big woman from Game of Thrones.

Oh.

Did you meet her?

I did.

We did this.

Where?

We did this.

Where was I?

It was like a...

It was it.

It was a dream.

I was trying to come up with any length.

No, no, it went here.

Game of Thrones.

Oh my God.

Well, I've only seen the Tara.

Tregarian is a

Tar Heels?

Dorth Carolina.

Dorth Carolina.

Where are you from?

Dorth Carolina?

I met her.

We did like this series.

It was like a night of one-act plays that I was in.

I cannot recall how I got there, who my thing was, but I had to do it.

Did you buzz a sweet?

No.

It was a news.

It's plus two to one-act play.

Well, it's three one-act plays, I guess.

Do you feel like you have a lot of memories of things you've done where you're like, I don't remember anything about that?

Like,

I was 100%.

I did a play that required me to be talking to a man on the opposite side of a hospital curtain, and that was all we had.

And we were reading the play, I believe.

I don't think we had to memorize it.

Okay.

And I don't remember anything else.

Yeah.

I do kind of love that when you, when something pops into your brain and you're like, what was that?

Why was I there?

What else happened?

How did I get there?

Why did I say yes?

This is not my beautiful wife.

Exactly.

I was caressing him saying that.

I did a one act with Rachel Quaintance for Agents that I do not remember what it was.

Agents of Shield?

Yeah, it was for Agents of Shield.

That's right.

They need some entertainment.

They work hard.

They do.

And they're always together.

They need other people.

Right.

I know where we did it.

I remember the rehearsal process vividly.

I remember everything about it other than the content of the play, which I guess tells you a little bit about my acting process.

What do you remember about the rehearsal process, if not the content?

Just like hanging out with Rachel,

like going

to the theater and wearing your leg warmers.

Yeah.

Doing my stretches.

Looking in the mirror saying it's showtime

eating all your pills eating them

um well we had a topic that we were going to bring up on the show is this lauren's topics

no oh i have a topic later that'll be lawrence topics yeah um it's really good um wow so that's actually it's actually more of a question for my topic so it's not really a topic it's more of a that's not a topic that's so it's not it's not lawrence topics although i guess you could this is the opposite raise a topic this is the opposite of how it usually goes usually people have more of a comment than a question Yeah, that's a good question.

You have more of a question than a comment.

Can I just ask you, you lent that DVD to Kulop and it's unopened?

Yeah, well, this is a movie that I've seen many, many times.

Wait, but did she not open it?

Did she not open it?

No, she did open it, but I'm taking the stickers were just sort of, you know.

Oh, my God.

I returned.

For those of you who wonder what Lauren, what the fuck, Lauren is.

I know I sound insane.

I returned a DVD from Kulop to Paul.

And Lauren sees a sticker on it and thinks that Kulop didn't even watch it.

Well, because I think that'd be a great reveal.

But did you ever have, like for Christmas, I one time got a CD opener slicer in my stocking?

Yeah, yeah.

Because I had so many CDs, I was like, oh, yeah, yeah.

But wait,

Tearing the.

The question was, because we were talking about how.

I was trying to do the Jay-Z

intro from The Life and Times of Sean Carter, Volume 3.

Anyway, go ahead.

It went very well.

I just wanted to ask, because you walked in two minutes late, maybe three.

Five.

It's totally fine.

Yeah.

but Paul was here before you, and I was actually really thrown because usually you're

going to say thrills.

Sure, that was great too.

But usually I'm here and we have to do small talk.

But you're here.

That's how you think of it.

We're forced to do something.

That's how you think of it as well.

No, that's how you think of it.

But I'm saying.

That's how you think of it.

That's how you think of it.

But I'm saying.

That's how I think of it.

That's how you think of it.

What I'm trying to say is it was very unusual to not see you here first.

And I asked Paul, and then he said, well, now Scott has a baby, so there's going to be more chance that you'll be late.

Well,

was it the baby or did I just leave late?

I don't know.

And then that's another question.

And then Paul said, I don't have a baby, but I'm always late.

And I said, That's just part of your nature.

And he said, It's not good.

And I said, It's fine.

He said, No, it's not.

And then I was curious, what makes you late?

And I want to hear what made you late.

And I want to hear what tends to make you late.

All right.

What I will get wrapped up in little fucking projects in my home.

Such as fixing something or like building.

Fixing something,

organizing something, putting an extension on the house.

Yeah.

Making a helicopter.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's little, it's little projects that I get fixated on and then it's too late.

Yeah.

Right.

And

I wonder sometimes, not to be one of those people, but I wonder sometimes if I do have some sort of ADHD.

I've been thinking I have that.

I've never, I've never

tried to get it diagnosed or anything.

And I don't, I'm not going to say like, oh i have it what's that let me diagnose you sure go ahead you're a total piece of hey is that medical

so i yeah i i

i noticed that

I will be doing in the middle of doing something and then I think of another thing like I pass by something that I need to do and I'm like I also need to do that and then I'll be like no do this no you can't do both of these at the same time See, Mike and I just had this conversation because I asked him

because I had heard on another podcast.

Okay, so on Elizabeth Lame's podcast, her husband Andy was diagnosed with, I believe, ADD, yes.

Psychic Andy, that's right.

It was a whole thing where he was talking about some things, and I think some listeners were suggesting some things, and he took an actual test and did the thing.

And then he's now feeling much better because he is dealing with it properly.

And then one of the things I think that might have been said on that podcast was leaving cabinets open.

And then there was a cabinet open for the family.

You're supposed to do that?

That's a sign.

All your cabinets open.

And there was a different opening.

Yeah, it said poltergeist therapy.

There is a cabinet, like cabinets are being left open a couple times within a couple of days.

And I said to Mike, do you have ADD?

I heard that this is a thing.

Right.

Because he was leaving cabinets open.

But now I find the cabinet.

I leave them open fucking constantly.

I used to never do this.

And he's like, and then he, every time I have one open, he's like, do you have ADD?

And I'm like, you have to stop asking me that

because I didn't mean it.

But I now think I kind of do because I get really flittery one thing to the next.

I want to like, because if I'm on a computer, you don't do basically you're doing something in a cabinet, you get distracted, you leave it open, you go to something else.

Is that the theory?

Okay, and then I'm like on my computer, and I have a thousand tabs open, and then I'm doing something, then I switch to something else, and then like four hours later, I go back to the old tab, oh, yeah, I was gonna sign up for that thing.

I have no memory of it.

I, my thing is a combination of was it your only fans?

Yeah, I was gonna sign up for that fan.

My only feet fans.

Here's my thing.

I think it is a combo of the getting fixated on things, which may or may not be ADHD, who knows?

Also,

part of that is procrastination on things I should be doing.

Yeah.

For no reason.

Whatever reason where it's like, you know, you have to do this thing.

You have to send these emails.

You have to contact these people, whatever.

You have to organize this thing.

And I'm like, yes, I know, but I'm going to do this other thing that is of not pressing importance at all.

At all.

Right.

But here's one other question.

Do you feel like the AD, first of all, ADD is probably becoming one of those terms like OCD where you were saying it where it's totally ineffective.

We may be saying it incorrectly and it may be minimizing or stigmatizing the people who actually or like just using it like it's a word and not like an actual diagnosis.

Yeah.

Right.

But do you think that maybe, and I'm like, what am I talking about?

Just kidding.

Do you think that maybe.

Anyway, see you later.

Do you think that maybe you could finish my sentence?

Computers, internet, social media

lowering our tolerance for a task.

Maybe, but it might be also that that just

is a is it an it's just another thing to get lost in as opposed to it being the cause of something or it would be whatever yes yes yes yeah or hoeing your garden right which i love to do i love it no i miss it since i got a laptop i don't hoe my garden i know and your garden's so unhoed it's like so unhoed.

When people, I can tell people are thinking when they walk past.

Yeah.

Lauren, to answer your question, I was thinking about this this very morning.

Why you're late?

Well, I had something before we did this today.

Okay.

And I ended up being eight minutes late to that.

And I was like, I knew

that I was going to be late.

Okay, I hate being late.

Yeah.

It really bothers me and I stress out as I'm going to the thing.

It feels terrible.

I stress while I do it.

And today, this morning, I was like, but here's the other thing.

I also don't like being early.

So I always try to time it to where I arrive right on time to

do that too.

So what usually happens is I very rarely ever show up early to something, but I'm often like two to three minutes late to things, right?

So today I was eight minutes late.

And was it an appointment?

It was a, yeah, physical therapy for my tender, tender foot.

Being eight minutes late to that is stressful, I would say, because eating into your time.

Here's what's great, though.

Anything involving any medical professional, you can get there a half hour early.

You can get there an hour late.

You will still wait for a minimum of 30 minutes.

Right.

Interesting.

Well, the physical therapy there.

It's a tight ship.

Is it on a boat?

It is.

This is.

That's why I mentioned semaphores because they're telling me how to flex my foot with it.

Semaphores are the best cookies.

But here's the thing.

I don't like being early, so i will fill up my time with just like reading something on the internet or whatever until it is time for me to go and then suddenly something else will happen and it'll make me two minutes late or something so today

so today i was like generally taking my time knowing how long it takes me to get ready for physical therapy and then something happened and i was like man i wish i'd hurried before but then i had to remind myself it doesn't matter if you're late because you're paying for this and they just waited for me you're the boss and they did And so, I was trying not to stress.

No, no one even cared when I was in the middle of the day.

See, I have times where I'm late, and

I scolded it or like told I can't do the thing.

It might be a ghost.

I arrived late to physical therapy when I had to do physical therapy or something.

And it was like

I had just done it totally wrong on my calendar, and I showed up 30 minutes late.

And then they were like, We can't see you.

And I was like, I cried, but I was holding her.

But

you were going to cry anyway.

Yeah, probably.

It was right there.

Well, you were in love with the therapist.

Yeah, that's what I needed to see her.

But I feel like I think I'm often like right on time, if not two minutes late.

But what I'm usually late for is like literally, I always have like wet hair.

Like it's always like, you'll get on to the last second.

Yeah, I'll take my shower.

That's what you're known for.

I am known for it.

It is your thing.

I will just putter about until the last possible minute, then take the shower, arrive with wet hair.

Yeah.

Because I've just, instead of, because I feel like it's a waste of time to be cleaner early.

I just feel like I don't prioritize it until it's like, okay, now I have only this amount of time, I'll do that.

But I'm trying to do that, I'm trying to get a little better.

And I think also my acknowledgement of my distract easily distractedness, not necessarily ADD, is just that I'm trying to be more on top of it.

So I last night was journaling and I was like, let me just try to center myself a little more in my day.

And then part of it, I read your journal.

It's so good.

It's hilarious.

It's so funny.

I try to be funny in my drone.

I'm trying to impress myself.

But I realized, like, so part of my morning is like, I will be up with Holly for hours until Mike wakes up.

He has insomnia.

He tends to sleep.

So he sleeps in a little bit.

See, I have insomnia and I have to wake up early.

Yeah.

We've made this our routine.

You know, you could have that deal.

No, because Cool Ops is like, you're taking the early because I like to wake up late.

And there you go.

Yeah.

But that's how you're, that's how your situation is.

But I also have insomnia, so I'm up in the middle of that.

That's how your situation is working.

I'm complaining about it.

I fucking hear you, and I'm like, you can do something to change that.

I don't know what.

Well, I got physical therapy at 8 a.m.

Now you're out of the way.

Now I'm forcing Go up to get up.

So you also have to get up, and so does she.

One of your therapists said that to you.

You can do something about that, but I don't know what.

Yeah, you can.

I know it's possible.

I know you could do something.

But so I get up first, and then I'll be with Holly, and I get her dressed immediately and do all of her things for her.

And then I'm like, it's like later in the morning and I'm like in my robe being like, I'm sloppy, doppy-doo.

Like I just feel like

that's a great spin-off of the Scooby-Doo.

So I'm like, I've started to go, I'm just going to.

I'm going to do everything for myself and make her just deal with that, which now she's old enough to do that now.

So it's like, I'm just like, you play in the bathroom while I do all my things and actually get dressed.

You play with a hairdryer in the bathtub.

Well, and I, she does love her.

Go splash around in the toilet.

Oh my God.

She fell off the toilet this morning.

She was just trying to sit on it to turn on the shit.

Does the shit just go everywhere?

She was trying to sit on it to turn on the lights.

Because the light switch is right next to the toilet.

And she's now into like turning on and off the lights.

She doesn't take a shit at the top.

Turns off the lights.

She has no connection to the toilet being where shit goes.

No, yeah.

She's just like, she thinks it's a chair in her.

I don't think she goes in her diaper.

Oh,

you forgot about diapers.

Yeah, she's 15 months.

I'm not trying to get her to squat on a potty.

She doesn't know what's going on.

But she was sitting on the potato.

Can you potty train earlier, like say at a month?

A month.

Actually, people,

I saw a TikTok type thing of someone with a three-month-old, and you just basically have to like hold them over the toilet like constantly throughout the day.

Sounds good.

Hey, I got to quit my job.

The comments were insane on that, as you can imagine.

But anyway, just to make it clear.

I pretty much have just camped out of here in the bathroom all day long.

To make it clear, she fell off the toilet into the garbage can, which was was actually kind of hard.

It was totally fine.

She was, she just like make a cute poster.

But first into the garbage can.

It was like pretty cute.

Some, yeah, but stressful.

Mondays.

Yeah, totally.

Be nice to me.

I'm having a hard day.

But I just, I've been doing that for a few days, and it's made my life feel better.

So if anyone out there, you know, it's like prioritizing yourself.

Oh, okay.

I'm doing everything for her.

And then I go, now it's time for me to do my thing.

Yes.

Yes.

And I want to do that, even if it's annoying to you for five minutes.

And then whatever.

Maybe someday you get dressed first and she's floppy duppy-doo.

Yeah.

yeah, today I did that because I got dressed before I went to her room.

All over her house.

What did you say?

Chocolate cake.

I meant face, but I said house, chocolate cake all over her house.

You're insane.

Wouldn't you like that, though?

You have a brain tumor.

I might have, but that sounds good, doesn't it?

Chocolate cake all over the house.

Anywhere.

You just walk by

just grabbing it everywhere.

Yum, yum, yum.

That reminds me, I know I've told you this when I worked on Kelsey Grammar Resents the Sketch Show.

that they would put, Kraft Starvis would put little dishes of things all around.

That's right, yeah.

I just wore it.

We can't do that anymore with COVID.

No, thanks to COVID, you have to wear gloves to eat a peanut.

And you have to walk up to

wear a peanut to eat one.

This is true, though.

You have to walk up to Crafty and tell them what you want when they serve you, which makes you stop being like, I'll have 10 Reese's peanut butter cups.

Yeah, exactly.

You should do it the way you normally would do it, though, and just go up and ask for one.

This is me a buttercup at it.

Can I ask five bags of Fritos to take home?

I know.

That's so wonderful.

I miss that.

Can I get a pallet of Tejava iced tea?

When I worked at Marie Calendar's restaurant roundup,

there was a waitress who would just go around like grabbing little parts off the cookies on the bakery tray.

Excuse me?

Just nibbling on them all day.

That's so nasty.

We called her the nibbler.

And

she was just always like like reaching into the cookies and taking off like a little bit.

And like, no, you should call the police.

That's actually what you should do.

Doesn't call the police now.

Instead of calling her the nibbler, call the police on her.

Exactly.

The cops.

30 hours later.

We got a plate.

Somebody's been breaking off pieces of cookie.

Break me off a piece of that cookie.

I just called 911 and say, help.

Now we're getting three calendars immediately.

Oh my God.

This lady's nibbling.

Oh, can I do reality recap?

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's a fun new show on Netflix called, not sure the name.

Watched all of it.

Don't work.

Oh, Buying Beverly Hills.

It's starring Mauricio from Real Housewives, the husband of Kyle Richards.

He is a real estate mogul who I'm obsessed with.

Wow.

Did you say he's the husband of Kyle Richards?

Kyle Richards.

Okay.

Who was in Halloween as a child?

What?

She was the child in Halloween, the movie.

Do you remember the movie, Halloween?

I remember the holiday.

I remember someone filming it.

That's the holiday.

I'm trying to remember.

There's a little girl with black hair and braids, and she's like sitting alone in the house watching TV at one point.

And then she's one of the main kids that

what's her name is.

Man, that's so funny.

I don't remember the kids at all.

Jamie and Jamie Curtis.

I remember a guy in like, he had a really white face.

Yeah, that was a mask.

William Shatner.

Yeah.

William Shatner's in that.

Star of Halloween.

Yeah.

So the show is really good.

It's about a real, it's about a real estate agency called The Agency in LA, and they sell really expensive, beautiful homes.

So if you like watching watching homes that's fun to look at and then what's fun about it it's the family business because Mauricio has hired two of his many daughters to work there and then there's some conflict with that there's a lot of non-relatives who work there of course those are the only two relatives oh he mentioned his dad working there too and we never saw him so i'm like i need more about that

Or it's just him like a wig and a big bushy mustache.

I would like that too.

The thing about me, Mauricio Sr.

The thing about like million dollar listing, which is another version of that.

Yeah.

Which I love.

Which is, I enjoy, but then one day we were watching it and this guy we knew, and they were trying to sell like a $30 million house.

Well, they're crazy.

The houses are insane.

It's just

they're trying to sell this $30 million house.

And then suddenly they're like, okay, well, we have one person who's really interested in it and the stakes are very high.

And the guy walks in and is our friend.

And he doesn't have $30 million.

And you're like, this is an actor.

He's just a friend who did a favor to them.

Right.

And then we kept seeing stuff like that.

We're like,

oh, know, we know that like suddenly a tough agent comes in to look at, you know, with to look at the house and we're like, yeah, but sorry, but sorry.

Yeah.

Of S.H.I.E.L.D.?

Of SHIELD, yes.

Thank you for a clarification.

She comes in to like look at the house for supposedly on behalf of their client.

And Kulop goes, no, I know her.

She works for the other one.

Stop.

You know, it's like every part of it is fake.

They're just staging.

They're just staging Truman show falling apart.

They're staging

every

interaction.

Because how many times do I have to be told that?

I don't care.

I know, because I like looking at the houses, but they are staging.

Well, it's like when you know house hunters is like house hunters, they've already know where the houses are already.

They're putting out the house food.

Call it coyote hunters.

I read a blog about that, which I'm sure we've talked about.

They already know that they're bought the house, and then they have to

just empty someone's house just to show it.

Yeah, well,

whatever the house is that's empty is the one that they always pick because that's the one they bought recently.

Yeah, it's really annoying.

Everything is fake on reality TV.

I like this show.

Except the romances.

Oh, and then on.

And then I was reading into some of it going, is this part fake?

Is this the story?

I'm going, I don't really care.

I like the characters.

Then on America, what is the one where it's like it used to be plastic surgery and then they turned it into houses?

Oh, Extreme Home Makeover.

Yeah, Extreme Hill Makeover.

Extreme Makeover.

It was like, move that bus.

Then it's like, your mom looks like a totally different person.

Is this true?

Wait, what?

Oh, were you fucking...

Yes, it was a break.

Yes, it started as Extreme Makeover.

So it was was people who thought they were really ugly would go and have like

10 plastic surgeries at once and be recovering in a hotel for like six weeks or more and then go maybe months.

And they would change like every like their body, their face, everything about them.

They'd have full, like they get implants in their face.

They get structural changes.

And it was not a feel-good show necessarily.

It was actually just really good.

Well, it sounds like it's impossible to feel good.

But I remember actually this because

I watched it as a kid, which is also fucked up.

And I remembered this thing about teeth, but now I know that it must be veneers, but it always confused me until more recently.

I had this memory of them sort of putting a blue light on the teeth and like moving them into place.

They just put veneers on.

They just whittled them down to shards and put caps.

And that part of it is so scary.

Yeah.

But anyway, it's not down to little pegs.

It wasn't really a feel-go show.

Oh, I know about that process.

It wasn't like a feel-good show, but then it's such a weird spin-off because they turned then the home edition into a big feel-good family show.

Oh, yeah, wait, wait, wait,

it was the same show.

So, like, no, it's extreme makeover, extreme home makeover.

Oh, extreme makeover.

Now, extreme makeover doesn't extreme edition.

No, because I think they realize it's so toxic.

Like, the kids and the dad, and you know, whatever, like the husband and kids, or the wife and kids,

they'd show up at the child and see the reveal and see the reveal and go like, oh, you're beautiful.

But they'd look so different.

There was no, there was no gradual acceptance of the changes.

So it's like you're just seeing your mom.

They go away, they're in bandages for six weeks, and they come back.

But so the home one, I read some article about like, oh, they do a really shitty job and then they raise the value on the people's homes so much that people can't pay the taxes on the home.

And they then lose.

And the taxes should be paid.

Yes.

So they, but, so I was like, oh, that's interesting.

And then people I knew started being the, like my, uh, the, the, in my old apartment building, the, what do you call it?

The person that you pay the rent to?

Landlord.

Yes.

No, they, no, they, they, they, they, they don't own the building.

Yeah, the manager, thank you.

We got there.

Um, she

was not a designer, and then she like was suddenly hired as a designer on that.

I'm like, are you a designer?

She's like, no, I'm an actress, but I'm just like, okay, well, that's kind of made the rooms look, oh, this kid loves cats.

Inside of a big cat, and everything's furry, and it's like, it's cat intestines, a cat heart, it was, it really was gastric acids.

That sounds fun, actually.

But here, your bed's a slide.

It's like, he has to grow with the room.

Yes, it's all fake.

Anyway, we have to take a break.

We'll be right back.

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There's so much advice out there, and all we want to do as parents is get it right.

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And we're back.

Before we get into Lauren's topics.

Yeah.

Yeah.

As you know, the only...

Is this Paul's topic?

It's sort of an it's a part two of Reality Recap.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

The only reality show that we watch is Southern Charm.

Okay.

That's what we drink while we're watching.

It's a terrible show.

Right.

And the people are extremely boring.

And we keep watching it.

And the thing is.

Someone lift that and use it as a commercial for this show.

Freedom!

It's a terrible show.

The people are extremely boring.

Oh,

what happened?

Oh, my God.

Emergency.

Call 911.

Is who here?

Listen to me, Dibbler.

Batman shows up.

Put that cookie down.

So

it's all.

I sort of get reality shows now because we have

three friends who also watch the show.

Good.

Do you understand why it's fun to talk about this?

Yeah, so we text each other and stuff like that.

But you believe.

But here's the thing is that I, because it's all just horseshit, when I find myself, when I'm watching it, even when we're texting each other, and I find myself thinking, like making a judgment on someone's actions or whatever,

I'm like, they fucking got me.

They got me.

Yeah, they tricked you.

That's what's fun.

And by the way, you do it about,

but you do it about scripted shows too.

Like, oh my God, why would he do that?

I can't believe we would do that.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Like, it's like, but yeah.

But I mean.

But you're only watching the reality shows because it's real.

Like, the idea was like, hey, the idea of being a voyeur on these idiots.

But yeah, but there's you would never watch a scripted show featuring these people on Love is Blind, for instance.

No, but I think there's some,

you know, doing the exact same storylines.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't have to defend it.

I just like it.

This is an interesting idea.

A reenactment.

You take a season of a reality show, then you have those people reenacted.

Act a scripted version of it with like stats and stuff like that.

And see which is better.

See which is better.

I would love it.

And you do, like, you know, like you shoot it exactly like a scripted show rather than a reality show.

Yeah, I like that.

Although with like things like Avid Elementary, it's the same thing.

I mean, I thought that was a documentary.

I really did.

Well, because they spoke to the camera, explaining our feelings.

Lauren, what's your Lauren's topics?

It's not really a topic.

It's a question.

I think I need a new category, a new like segment.

Orange queries?

Yeah.

Okay.

Left questions?

I like that.

Left questions.

Okay.

Here's my left question for you.

Yesterday, and I wonder,

I also wonder, have we talked about this?

Okay, that's the first one.

By the way, probably yes.

If you're listening, please send us the spreadsheet of things we've talked about.

Yes, we need it.

Was the nibbler new?

We need it, my precious.

We hate it.

Her name?

Maria.

Why do I still remember her?

Memory calendars?

And I only worked with her two months, and I remember her name, Maria?

Because she rubbed you the wrong way, eating all the Publix cookies.

Also, there's a song about that name that really makes it sound like it's great.

Yeah, it was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard.

How did you solve a problem?

Santana song,

Maria, Maria, Maria.

Does he have a song about Maria?

Yeah, Wyclef sings it.

Oh, good for him.

Yeah, good for him.

He's finally back on top.

All I know is Smooth

by Santana featuring Rob Thomas.

Oh, my God.

I really don't like that song.

No offense to anyone.

What?

No offense.

I think you played so much when I was.

What about his wife?

That fucking smooth?

He felt her once.

That episode of Bajillion with the smooth runner throughout it is so funny.

So funny.

Where anytime the word is mentioned, the guitar sting happens in other stories.

It's really funny.

My question is,

what do you think is the food you've consumed the most in your life?

We have not talked about this.

Because I was eating, I had bought.

It's making me sick to think about this.

I know it's disgusting.

I'm like I've eaten truckloads of fries truckloads yeah I love fries and I ate them all the time growing up non-stop so it's like now even if I don't eat them as much now yeah even if you go to a fast food place and you order not a burger you're having fries usually oh fuck yeah if I'm having a milkshake I'm having I mean like maybe lunch meat wow so you mean what lunch meat bologna um I can't I don't know if I can narrow it down bologna basty I don't like it oh my god well because of the region it's from.

You don't like the Bologna region?

Oh, no.

Why do we say bologna and spell it like that?

It's actually really annoying.

I think it's because Americans are stupid.

Probably.

But I also wonder: are Bologna and Bologna

is there a difference between them?

Well,

there's no packaged thing that says bologna on them, right?

No one ever spells it.

Well, we weren't.

When I was saying my bologna has a first name, when we were in Italy, we were talking about this because Florence is not.

By the way, I'm speaking out of my ass now.

Oh, God.

It smells like shiny.

But Florence is not the...

Is not the

sea.

Right?

But if you look at it on a map, it says Florence.

And that's because

when we're trying to say Frenzi, we say

Flora.

It's horrible.

Florence.

Oh, because we are trying to say it.

We're trying to say it for real.

So it's like Napoli.

What is this, theory?

You are talking out of your ass.

So, what about bologna?

Because we try to

say bologna, I would say bologna if I was looking at that.

Well, people say lasagna, and it's not lasagna, it's lasagna.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Thank you.

So, you think you've eaten?

You think you've eaten?

You think we're trying to wrap our mouths around a foreign word?

I'm saying the reason that we translate it that way, like Napoli,

is like

Naboli, Napoli, Nuboli, Boboli,

Pizza crust.

Bubbly.

Bobby.

What do you want on your tombs?

It's just a

commercials for that.

English people trying to say this word that they don't have the tongue sounds for.

Well, I think they also, in those days, I think they just decided what the name was as opposed to

trying to say it.

They heard Italian people saying it and they go, like, oh, Florence.

Yeah, that's probably what they're saying.

And then they put it on a map.

Mr.

Charles Atlas puts it on a mesh.

Then he lifts up the whole world.

Yep.

Kicks sand in someone's face.

Hey, go to

reads his own book.

Do you think you've eaten truckloads of bologna?

No, I haven't.

You love bologna.

Specifically, bologna.

What is it?

Probably the one lunch we have.

What do you think you've eaten truckloads of?

I guess that's my real question.

I don't know, like deli, like chips.

Deli ham or deli chip chip chip.

Oh, chips for sure.

Chips.

Potato chips.

Oh, no.

Poker chips.

Oh, got it.

I poker chips right in your stomach.

I didn't like them at first.

Yeah.

But then after a while, I learned to differentiate the

differentiate the denominations.

Wow, the way you said that was almost like another one of these.

Which one tastes?

What denomination is the tastiest?

Oh, 50.

Yeah, definitely.

Oh, it's so good.

Because it's thick.

It's thick.

Two seats.

Yeah.

You know, the poker chips, depending on how much they are worth.

Yeah, it's like pods.

The thickness increases.

That's why you want that giant, just like...

Pods are delicious.

Yeah.

I would, you know, it used to be burgers

until maybe I was 30.

Because I think I had one or two, like

a couple trucks of burgers, and then

but I think when you say fries, I think you're probably right.

Would all the burgers I've eaten fit in one truck?

What size truck?

Well, I'm talking like a moving van, a move, like an 18-wheeler, like uh, yeah, east-bounding down,

18-wheels rolling.

We only do what they say can't be done.

We got a long way to go in a short time to get there.

We're eastbound.

Watch our bandit run.

Have you ever seen that movie, Smokey and the Bandit?

No.

I just watched it maybe four years ago for the first time.

I'm interested, Lauren,

in hearing what you would make of it.

Yeah.

Really?

Would you even understand what was happening?

Is it black and white?

Because I can't see that.

It's not black and white.

You can't see it.

What do you mean?

You're the opposite of a a dog i get bored oh

no it's in color but i wonder if like because it had such a cultural impact yes because you're old enough to kind of remember oh yeah

please google this i don't really feel like i have any sort of idea smoking the bank burt reynolds

you ever seen him nude in cosmic i've seen him laying on the floor yeah

laying on the floor in my house

smoking oh yeah okay okay i'm familiar with this imagery okay here's the plot sally field who i was just on a plane with the other day day.

Oh, my God, the worst thing happened to me.

What?

Oh, my God.

It's really embarrassing.

Oh, do you tell me this first, and I'll tell you an embarrassing story.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Okay, wait.

So first of all, I was behind Sally Field.

I realized at the end of the fly, she was being very kind to everyone and had a

screen too for her.

Oh, she's really sweet.

Very sweet.

Anyway, so anyway,

I got some unfortunate news about a friend's family.

It was like, but I was kind of processing this information just to give a little backstory as to why what happened happened because I was a little distracted.

And I was

because the pilot passed out.

This was at LA.

Yeah, I did do that.

And I just hit that every time on the plane just to see what happens.

But I was on the escalator

down to baggage plane.

And I had my suitcase.

I will also note that I was using my worst suitcase.

It has the least ability to stand.

Okay.

Can I ask you this?

I actually hate it.

I couldn't reach my other one.

It's a lot of backstory.

I'm just giving you a bad thing.

Why do you still have it?

I'm actually thinking it's time for it to go.

I'm telling you, it is.

No, no, it is.

I have better ones, but I

think my other ones were behind something heavy, and I was like, fuck it, I'll just take that one.

It was kind of a, whatever, who cares?

I wasn't thinking about it.

And it was only two days.

It was kind of like, who cares?

Okay.

I know, I know you care, but it wasn't like.

There's nothing else we need to know as setup.

No, that's it.

What airport?

LAX.

So I was on the escalator going down to Baggage Claim, and I had my suitcase on the escalator.

Which you just announced your chemistry.

presence see

I was on I guess it would be I was on Air Canada I guess it would be Delta International Tom Bradley yeah dang no but I don't think it was it was

terminal five terminal five oh wow

did you park there or were you being picked up being picked up

okay which is part of I know what you're doing I'm interested in naughty I'm interested in her whole travel thing

I

couldn't wait to get home.

I'm standing on the escalator.

I decide to pull out my phone while on the escalator to look at it.

Were you doing like a Trump thing when he came down the escalator and he was like, Mexicans are rapists?

No, no, no.

I was standing and I was doing my, I was being proper.

And I'm being proper.

I'm like, I pulled out my phone

for a second to look at the fucking text regarding this actually serious thing that I was dealing with.

And my bag decided to fly down the fucking.

It was flying.

I mean,

just sliding down.

Was there anybody ahead of you?

Yes.

Oh, no.

So there's this woman off to the side, and then there were a couple.

There were streams down a bit further.

Streams?

I start yelling, watch out, watch out, watch out.

I'm screaming.

Okay, I'm screaming.

I'm streaming.

I don't have headphones on or anything.

I'm very present.

Hand streams.

Thank God I didn't have my headphones on.

You're in the moment.

But I was like, look out.

Look out.

I would have headphones on at this point.

I did not.

I was just there.

And then I was just screaming, oh my God, watch out, watch out.

So here's what happened.

It went horizontal and the handle was up.

So the handle

hit this woman in her ankle.

And the bag was stuck horizontally

in the escalator.

So

I was down there.

I ran down after it.

Yeah.

And I'm trying to pick it up, but it's like, I can't get it out from the rubberized things on the escalator.

And her leg, which she's not helping me at all.

What is she saying?

No, but I think she was processing how she was going to make me feel like shit which she did very well

so she i'm sitting down there i'm like i'm so sorry oh my god are you okay i'm like apologizing profusely i'm so i'm like i'm humiliated i was literally saying i'm humiliated i'm so sorry i'm trying to put my bag

i get it i'm off the escalator with her i'm like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm like are you okay and she starts limping now i do think that was

because it was it was she was whacked by a plastic piece i don't think it was a limp she see you and say the wrong mission i had a mask on again thank god because there was a lot of people watching this happen yeah TMZ posted up.

Oh my God, it was, honestly, my heart races.

It was so embarrassing.

I felt like such an asshole.

And she kept going, and I was like, Are you okay, okay?

She's like, There's nothing you can do.

There's nothing you can do.

And then she was, she worked at LAX and she was like, You people do this all the time.

You people.

But you need to hold on to your bag.

And I was like, I've never done this in my life.

And I trust me, I'll never fucking do it again.

Like, it was just like, I don't do this all the time.

This is so unlike me.

My bag actually is an asshole too.

This is my worst suitcase.

Don't you understand?

It was like a rounded suitcase that kind of toppled.

and I did let go of it, but I usually keep it.

It's fine.

It's got one wheel.

I'll never let go of it again.

She was like so mean to me.

And I understand why I deserved it because I felt horrible.

I was like, can I, you know, just, I don't know how to fix it, but I wish.

Yeah, it's mortifying.

Yeah.

And she just was not letting me, you know, I think if I got hit, and so I don't know if this is a good or bad quality, but I think I would have been like, it's okay.

Don't worry.

It's fine to the person.

Like, I've

been on the same plane when someone takes their bag out, it's fallen out onto my head.

And I've been like, it's okay.

It happens or whatever it's an obvious accident of course i didn't throw my bag on the thing but to never she didn't let me she didn't let me get away with it at all yeah but i feel she didn't make you exchange information no she just went to a some working you know person place a door that a worker can go into like go into they're a little close and then i couldn't wait to get the out of there because i was so embarrassed and i was just like let's go go go go go go go and then sally field looked at you and said yeah what does sally field have to do because she was right so what part of what happened before this is that this one woman kept trying to race ahead of me, and it was really annoying.

And so I eventually took the superstar.

You're trying to box her out with your suitcase.

So Sally gets on

the smaller escalator before this, you know, and this other woman like has to get on.

So I like let her go.

And then I just go, I'm just going to walk down the stairs.

And then instead of doing the stairs, I get onto the escalator and then drop my bag on that woman.

So I think Sally went to a secret hidey hole where they let celebrities go.

She was being taken by a person who was escorting her somewhere.

So I think she was being taken to a special thing.

Yeah, yeah.

But I, yeah, I was just honestly,

isn't that horrible?

It is really horrible, and I'm sorry that that happened to you.

I truly

get rid of that fucking situation.

I'm going to fucking get rid of it.

Yeah, can't you say it doesn't matter?

It's bad juju.

It was so embarrassing.

I can't even tell you.

Scott, I have an update about the Florence thing.

Okay.

Our producer, Matt Apperdusa.

It was called

Florentia in Latin, then Fiorenza in old Italian, then Fiorenze.

The names foreigners call it by, like Florence in English and French, and Florens in German, are closer to the original, probably because they were mostly used in writing.

A similar case is the city of Cologne in Germany, locally called Colne.

Yeah, but he just made that up.

Like, he didn't know.

Matt wrote that?

Yeah, he just.

Yeah, he wrote that.

He wrote on a piece of paper and then

he was writing like

papers for.

He doesn't know.

This is just his opinion.

Yeah, you got me there.

Can you tell me something embarrassing that's happened to you once?

Once?

Just because of that situation, I was so embarrassed.

What's like an embarrassing thing?

God, to narrow it down to one.

Yeah, just one.

I mean, comes to mind.

Me waking up screaming on the airplane.

Oh, what was that?

I think I've talked about that.

That's where I had a bad dream that the people, that someone was like looking, old men were looking at me, and I woke up and I saw two men next to me because I was in a middle seat, and I screamed that they were

the entire plane.

No, I was like, ah, that's them.

And the entire plane looked at me and I said, whoops, sorry, bad dreams.

And the guys just like tried to make me feel like shit and shook their head like, man, that's not how a civilized person would act.

You're not culpable for anything when you're in your dreams.

Totally.

And I mean, like, I totally give it to that woman that I injured her and it was unexpected.

She was just standing.

And this happens to her all the time.

And she worked.

It probably has happened to her.

If I worked somewhere, something would happen to me all the time, too.

If you worked, man, that really puts things in perspective.

Like, people, if you work, look, if you work somewhere, something's going to happen to you.

Yeah.

A lot.

Wherever you happen to be.

If you don't work somewhere, no, nothing happens to you.

No, things happen to me at home.

Yeah.

Do I get mad at my house?

You work there.

I remember in my early 20s, I used to drink and drink and drink and drink.

And drive.

No, thankfully, that's That's right.

That's right.

I did not drive.

Yeah, that really was lucky for you.

But I was in,

it was a real stroke of luck.

I was in Wildwood, New Jersey, performing at a place called the Comedy Casbah,

which was legendary for having the worst audiences.

And you would do a week there.

And did they say you have to go rock the Kazbah?

Interesting.

Believe me, they played that at the, I think, before and after every show.

So good.

But

it was, so it was a week-long gig, two shows a night for people that were not going to enjoy what you did.

And you stayed in these sort of apartments that they had above the club.

And then you could be, it was actually, it was a fun gig, except for that weird hour or two hours of the day that was the reason you were there.

Yeah.

I feel like

you could just go stay somewhere.

It'd be great.

It was so hard in that.

Actually, it was nice to stay at the, like the rooms that they had were nice.

Well, that's the thing.

If you didn't have to do comedy,

someone was just like, hey, come stay, come stay listening.

Sure.

Why is it the worst when you have to do the thing?

You know?

This is the eternal question.

I know.

Okay, so go on.

So I was at a bar afterwards, and I was so drunk.

I think me and whoever I was with, we were doing Dr.

Pepper shots.

Like, you drop.

What is in a Dr.

Pepper?

It's like whiskey being dropped into a Dr.

Pepper or something?

No, no, no, it's probably the.

Wait, so what does Dr.

Pepper have to do with it?

It tastes like Dr.

Pepper.

Whatever, whatever, I forget what the shot is that you drop into the beer, but it makes it taste like Dr.

Pepper.

Oh, sounds good.

No, a little too good.

And so I was, of course, of course, wearing,

you know,

a blazer and a tie and a

fedora.

And a teddy underneath.

Just for you.

What happens on tourist days on Toronto?

And I was

staggering.

do people still say teddy staggering back

staggering back to the to my where i was staying like i could not walk in a straight line and i heard and i don't know

i'm in my early 20s and i hear these kids across the street say oh no hey look at that old drunk

and i knew they were talking about me

look at that old drunk.

I was like,

22.

To be so drunk that you can't walk straight, but to have the wherewithal to know you're being made fun of by teens.

That cuts through.

Yeah.

Oh, it cut through.

We have to take a break.

We'll be right back.

No, before you're embarrassing, I want to hear a real.

You said you told it before.

I don't have anything new.

Give us a fresh embarrassment or GTFO.

Come to take a break.

Bye.

Bye.

I'm Hussin Minhaj, and I have been lying to you.

I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hussa Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.

People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Is America too dumb for democracy?

Outrageous.

Parenting expert Dr.

Becky.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?

It's a good question.

Listen to Hussa Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonata Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

And we're back.

And guys,

I'm going to need your attention.

No!

I'm listening.

No, you're not.

Sure I am.

You shrugged your shoulders sarcastically.

Like,

of course I'm not listening.

Oh, no, I'm listening.

You just waved your hand at me like

to dismiss your very words.

I'm listening to you.

Oh my God.

Okay, it's time to play a three church.

Everybody loves it.

We're gonna do it.

If you don't like it, go fuck yourself.

Yeah, this is the part where some people turn off the podcast.

As they've told me.

People just turned.

I've told you this.

But other, well, who would tell you?

A tweeter.

A tweeter?

Was it Elon Musk?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It was so funny.

Say this is their favorite part.

Okay, it was so funny when everybody started changing their name to Elon Musk when I was a fan of it.

I thought it was funny.

And then he was like, I got confused by somebody.

I'm going to suspend any account before

explicitly say they're parody.

That's why he said that.

Yes.

What a shit.

He's a big dumb baby.

I think I really want to delete it.

My one issue, because I'm not going to pay the $8 a month.

I'm simply out.

Oh, my God.

No.

I've been on there since 2008.

I want to delete the whole thing, but I want to keep my name just to have it be

reserved as mine.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess.

Who cares, though?

You know what I mean?

I guess.

Who cares?

It honestly doesn't matter.

I don't care about what you're talking about.

You don't think that's worthwhile?

No, I just don't care about

whatever you're talking about.

How you feel all the time.

When I got rid of the check mark, I was like, is this?

You got rid of it?

Yeah.

When?

A while ago.

You chose to not have it?

You wrote to Twitter, right?

To say, I don't have it.

I wrote to Twitter and nobody wrote me back.

And I was like, and then I heard somebody say, oh, you just change your screen name and change it back.

And I did that, and then the check mark was gone.

Wait.

And you, because you got a lot of annoying replies, I'm sure, because you have a lot of followers.

It's not, well, that has not changed.

But you still have a lot.

You just viewed it as a status thing.

Although I haven't looked lately because there might be a bunch of bots that were following me.

They're gone.

I have no idea.

But

it's that

the check mark became this

weird status thing to people.

Because they want to really take you down.

They want to take you down.

They're like, oh, look at you, blue check mark.

Yeah, they dismiss a thing that you say because you have a blue check mark.

They just turn it on its head in an interesting way for every asshole to have.

Yeah, exactly.

It's so dumb.

You still have mine as of press time.

Sure.

Who cares?

Why not?

Keep it.

Don't keep it.

I think I'll just let it do its thing.

I'm never going to put a credit card in the situation.

No, if anybody pays for it, there's

ridiculous.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, it's 1284965.

I forgot to tell you.

We usually tell each other

our credit card.

That's our little ritual before we can record is we recite our credit card numbers to each other.

And our mother's made a name in the street we grew up on.

All right, let's play Threecher, guys.

Okay.

I do it.

I do it.

There's a little fellow named Tim Ward.

Oh, my God.

The Freecher Submitter?

Yeah.

He got all saucy.

And

one night, he was drunk as hell.

Oh, he was in his cups.

And he was like,

I know something good.

I'm not familiar with in his cups.

That's a good one.

He submitted this.

It's Word Alley Oop.

Word alley oop.

I know regular alley oop.

Can I also just

side note when you say, I like weekend water that you guys say?

Yes.

And I like your merch.

Thank you.

It's very beautiful.

Thank you very much.

What about

your compliment?

Weekend water comes from your merch

that you're wearing from Marvel.

Weekend water comes from Janie's mom.

Oh, she made it up?

Yes, her grandson.

I didn't know if that was like a southern phrase or something.

Her grandson was reaching for her drink, her cocktail, and she said, no, no, no, that's Nikki's weekend water.

Wow.

I really thought that was something I just didn't know.

Now you know?

That's really good.

I love that it's really personal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's extremely personal.

Oh, I need weekend water cups now.

Okay, here we go.

This is called word alley oop.

Now, we're gonna text each other a word.

Fun.

The person on the left.

I'm on a very strict plan, so how long is this game going to go?

Do you mean with me?

How strict is your plan?

Well, text messages.

This is going to run into money for me.

Do they punish you or they punish me?

Oh,

it's not a money thing.

No, somebody comes to my home and shames me.

You do 10 cents a text?

10 cents a text.

Yeah.

I remember when it was like that, and my dad would get mad at my bill when I was in

high school.

Just at your bill, not at you.

No, you just scream at a bill.

He actually told me to go away.

Yeah.

Okay, we're going to text a word to each other.

Yeah.

I'm going to text Lauren

individually, not on our group.

Just any word.

No.

Any word.

Any word.

Any word.

All right.

Wait, so you're texting Lauren.

Yeah.

I'm texting you.

Paul.

You're texting me.

Yeah.

Exactly.

All right.

we're texting each other a word.

I've texted Lauren.

I've texted Scott.

Same, Paul.

Okay.

We each have our word.

Now, we're going to do a scene, an improv scene.

Fuck.

I knew there was a catch.

I thought this was the whole game.

I thought I just said to text a word, and I get to.

Yes, I thought this was so much fun.

I had a time.

Well, you usually only text one word at a time anyway in your text.

What are we supposed to try to do?

Okay, we're going to do a scene.

We have to say that word in the scene at some point.

Easy.

Okay.

Now, afterwards,

if you use your word, no, everyone's going to use their word.

If you can guess, I can't get it out.

I can't figure it out.

How do I say it in a sentence?

We have to guess what the word was.

Oh.

So you're trying to.

I don't want to horn it in there really, obviously, because let us go, that's what it was.

Right.

So

we all have our words.

Um, all right, let's do it.

Here we go.

Okay, okay.

Well, indubitably,

I beg your pardon.

Indubitably, people think that libraries are free.

Are they not?

They are.

It's just that they take a little bit of your soul when you hi guys.

Hey, hi, we're just talking about libraries.

Oh, indubitably.

Unrealistically speaking, all things considered,

that is all things considered.

So, you listen to that?

You contend

Her contention is that libraries are not free?

I think that they are free monetarily, but they're not free in the sense that they steal a little something from you and keep it on the situation.

Like what?

Just a little bit of your essence.

Because when you borrow something from the future.

Do people really go to libraries these days?

I just

think a lot of old, older people.

Older people, but they've fallen out of fashion lately.

You're saying

grumpy old men.

Yeah.

Oh, the grumpy old men oh i rented that from the library you can rent that at the library grumpy grumpy senior citizens um but wait so but but if you go to uh another place of business and you buy something you're not leaving well i guess you are leaving something of your essence if you go to the supermarket and you buy a a

a grape you one grape a bunch of grapes could you buy one grape from what would you like to try if yeah

because it's whatever whatever a pound pound just but yes i please do the math for me i will have one grape you have to hope that the the person checking you out is in a good mood and you know indubitably happy indubitably

indubitably

delightful and not feeling you have to hope they're delightful not feeling not feeling annoying or annoyed or sort of sort of

horn feathered and cantankerous, you know?

Horn-feathered.

Yeah.

Horn-feathered.

Horn-feathered.

Horn-feathered?

Yeah.

Horn-feathered.

I'm not familiar with that term.

Are you the librarian, by the way, lady?

Like, you know, just you're feeling like lady.

What?

Are you the librarian?

I am the librarian.

Do you need something?

Yes.

We're just going to just have a nice talk.

Oh, you have to use the rest of it.

It's the only way to talk.

Go just down the hall.

Do you see the exit sign?

Go out there and take a piss in the alley.

Ah, she got you.

Damn.

Now, I want to rent Grumpy Old Men 2.

Oh, okay.

Well, that's.

Grumpier Old Men.

I I think we have that.

We only, as you know, we only have sequels.

And they are.

Yes, this is Library 2, is it not?

Yes.

You need to go to Library 1.

A little T.O.

Library T.O.

Yeah.

And you have your own song that you sing for people's birthdays.

Is it your birthday?

It is my birthday.

Can I see your ID?

Yes.

Okay.

It says you were born on this date.

This is a fake Agents of Shield employee card, but it's my real birthday.

Oh.

I'm willing to say.

All right.

I'll start over.

Pardon me, I sneezed.

And I may do so again.

Which

I'll start over.

Are you going to start over every time we sneeze?

Yeah.

If you could just brain it in.

It's allergy season.

If you must sneeze, simply use a receptacle.

Okay.

Have we?

all said our word.

I have.

I have.

I have.

Okay.

Okay.

Now,

we obviously I know your word.

So Paul, you have to guess Lauren's.

I have to guess yours.

And Lauren, you're guessing.

No, I guess yours.

Because I gave Paul.

Mine.

Yes.

Right.

Okay, but I'm really fucked.

You're...

Oh.

Because I really, I'm trying to think what's.

I have my guess.

Paul, I'm guessing essence.

Wrong.

Whoa!

I have no guess for you.

You have no guess?

You were not paying any attention.

Well, I was getting really caught up in a lot of things.

So you have no guess.

You're trying to guess my word.

I mean, I want to say indubitably.

That was my red herring, if that's the right word.

I want to say it was either horn or feather.

No.

No.

Okay.

You really pointed to it.

Cantankerous.

I tried to bury it in a lot of other ways.

I think I buried mine pretty much.

I think you did because I don't know.

Mine was fashion.

Oh, I never would have got fashion.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I said it when I said

libraries have fallen out of fashion.

Seems very well done.

So none of us got any points.

It's a hard game.

You don't want to know what my word was?

Oh, yeah.

What was it?

Grape.

Grape.

Yeah.

When you said that, that would have been my second choice.

Well, because now it would have been, because it would have been right.

Yeah.

After hearing

my second choice.

All right.

Do you want to go the other way?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's try it again.

Okay, so I'll

check the other way.

I'll check the other way.

We need to make the rule.

No, make the word

a little bit.

Yeah.

We don't, no, no, no, we're okay, okay, but it can't be like the we don't have to do anything but

texting Scott, yeah, you're texting me, I'm texting Paul,

and I'm texting you, Lauren.

Yeah,

I mean, obviously, like, you're the one texting the word, so if you make it really simple, right, then no one's gonna you want to make it as hard as possible for the person to say it, I think.

Okay,

okay,

I've texted mine and I've received mine.

Oh, wait.

I've texted mine and I've received mine.

Wait.

Wait, did anyone text me?

Yeah, I got it.

I got it.

Hello.

Hello.

Come on in.

Hello.

Come on in.

Okay.

Look, I get it.

Thank you for coming.

No,

thank you for having us.

It's all right.

So you guys,

who are you

the mother and father of?

I'm sorry.

Am I assuming you're a couple of?

We're wife and husband and mother and father.

Okay, great.

Jarnin.

Jarnin.

Jarnin.

He's named after the Jimmy John sandwich for him.

Great.

Speaking of Jimmy.

Oh, we didn't want to get sued.

My name's Jimmy Jarnin.

My name's Jimmy.

That's so weird.

Really?

What's your name?

You're going to get sued?

I'm superintendent.

Jimmy John?

Yes.

Okay.

Wait, you're the superintendent of sandwiches.

I know you're going to meet the teacher.

No, no, no, no.

Straight to the top.

Okay.

Wow.

No, I called you in because

we've had some terrible, terrible things happen to Jimmy.

Oh.

Okay,

don't you feel the dread in your heart?

It's like, oh, it's time is running out.

So

the plank, have to jump into the ocean and hear the bad words in the alligator's mouth.

I hate hearing the bad words in the alligator's mouth.

Yeah.

Why can't he just eat you and be done with it?

Why does he have to say all those things?

He wants you to hear the tick-tick boom of his clock.

Yeah.

Well, here's the thing.

It was so

crazy that this happened on parents' campaign conference.

Jarnin, what is it?

He's dead.

What?

I'm sorry.

We lost him.

To be clear, this is our monkey, Jarnin.

Yeah.

That we send to this human school.

Yes.

And I love the outfits you pick for him every day.

I just really

put a monkey in clothes.

Well, you know, I dress him first and then I dress myself.

That's see, and you're so, and I'm allowed to sleep.

And now he has insomnia.

I sleep like a baby.

I go to bed at 3 p.m.

and I wake up at 10 a.m.

This is why I look so sloppy dappy doom.

Because usually I'm well put together.

I'm standing tall, handsome,

exciting, sexy, and live.

My friend S-Pam Risk is calling me.

S-Pam Risk?

S-P-M Risk.

S-Pam.

S.

Pethe Risk.

Here's the issue.

He got into the laboratory.

Oh, no.

He was working in the lab?

Late today, this afternoon.

Okay.

And we did experiments on him.

Wait, so what happened was you killed our son, the monkey?

Yes.

Look, let's stop calling him our son.

I feel like with this bad news, it's kind of just taking it to a different place.

You're trying to make him feel.

Okay, I'm your pet?

No, I can hear everything you're saying.

Well, then I wasn't talking to you.

I was saying my money.

So wait, anytime you...

Right now you're talking to me, so you assume that he should not be listening to you?

Are you talking to me?

Wait, Bobby D?

I don't see anyone else here besides.

Bobby D?

Are you undercover?

It's me, Bobby D.

I'm undercover.

What are you researching?

What role are you researching?

I'm researching the role.

Oh, what role?

Yeah.

I'm researching the role of a parent of a monkey.

Oh, my God.

At school.

Is there anything in this movie for me?

I mean, I'm sort of an amateur.

I teach the drama club.

Well, I have nipples.

Does that make me a casting agent?

Yo, let me tweak those.

What the fuck is going on in here?

All right.

Have we said our word?

I don't believe you.

Have we said our word?

We want to see Jarnon and then we'll end the game.

Jarnin.

Show us Jarnin.

Have we said the the word?

Show us Jarnin.

I've said it.

I have said it.

Okay.

I've said it.

All right.

So I'm guessing Lawrence.

Yeah.

I've forgotten everything, by the way.

I do not know.

I know.

It's really hard to do.

Guessing plank.

That was right.

Yeah.

I'm guessing sandwich.

No.

Do you not say sandwich?

I don't remember.

Does Jimmy John sandwich?

I did say Jimmy John's sandwiched out, but it's not a sandwich.

Okay, what was it?

We do have a guess for Scott.

I have to have to guess Scott's.

No, so you don't have a guess because it's like really hard.

uh i don't have a guess because i don't remember anything that's i know same

nothing it's almost like i really don't think we both can't hear you

i didn't hear him i was acting too much after i got up my word i was like i don't care anymore you're in character what was it my word was live

when did you say live i don't even remember you saying it I was describing myself.

Oh,

I was saying, yes, that I'm usually, I'm sorry, I'm sloppy doppy-doo because usually I'm standing there.

That moment was what, ah, I didn't hear that word, and I actually thought that moment was when it was happening.

It was the last word I said in that little,

you were hyper-aware.

Oh, there wasn't even how he was doing it that just made me think something was going on.

So, you have no guess for me.

What was

you, but you said laboratory.

Oh, how about I give you a hint?

I tried to really answer.

How about I give you a hint?

How about I give you a hint?

But that was not it.

He initiated so that he could get his word out.

Superintendent?

Yes.

So, superintendent, you initiated by parent-teacher conference.

And I was also trying to stop him.

I was trying to

stop him.

And I got it in there.

Yeah.

I got it in there.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus.

Are you all right?

I turned up my volume super loud with my knee accidentally, and you were guys were shouting at me.

Okay, we have to go.

This was fun.

This was fun.

I enjoyed that game.

It was fun.

It's a fun game.

I enjoyed that game.

It's a good game.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Tim Ward.

Tim or Tom.

I believe.

Tim or Tom.

Who cares?

No one ever knows.

All right, so here's the deal.

What is it?

If you want to follow us on social media, we're at Threedom USA on both Twitter and Instagram.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

We should change it to Elon Musk on Instagram.

Yeah.

Okay.

And then if you want to listen to old episodes of Threedom, we're re-releasing all the old episodes.

We're calling it Three Visiting on the Tuesday because it's happening on Tuesday.

So, this Tuesday will re-release another episode.

Do you think if we had a producer who could tell us for sure what it is?

No, we don't have one of those.

We just have he wouldn't say a word.

We have Matt is making up shit about Italy.

Anyway,

anyway, Italy, we love you.

Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.

We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.

So, this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.

Uncared for season three from Lemonada Media, available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's Lena Waith.

Legacy Talk is my love letter to black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us.

This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Felicia Rashad, Loretta Devine, Ava Dubernet, and more.

We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day.

Come be a part of the conversation.

Season two drops July 29th.

Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast, or watch us on YouTube.