Threevisiting: Little Miss Butt Blaster

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I'll see you in your dreams.

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?

Yeah, and look at us now.

Like, we're all grown up.

We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff, and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye.

But for the most part, it's about you.

I mean, it's always been about you.

From Lemonada Media, a live with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube.

Freedom!

Did I say freedom?

Did I?

I think you said it.

Freedom!

That time I didn't say it.

Well, I know I've said it every single time, except for this one.

Freedom!

Oh my God.

She actually did not say it.

She predicted the future.

I look that it's, I'm getting goosebumps.

I'm getting goosebumps.

I'm getting goosebumps.

What about goose flesh?

That is so gross.

Pimply goose flesh.

We just talked about that, right?

That's I have a story of that band.

She gave me goose flesh.

Now I'm in my head about have we talked about everything?

There's something

I ever want to talk about.

I'm sorry to tell you that we have.

I think I have something I think we haven't talked about.

I'm Lauren, by the way.

Hey, I'm Scott.

I'm Paul, and I'm intrigued.

Okay, so this is a test for men.

Just for men?

Put your hand in front of your face.

Touch up great.

Yeah, it's just

okay.

So I have a question for you about a pronunciation thing, but I don't want to to show you the word and I don't want to tell you the words.

No, no, no.

So it's a gynecological

procedure that women get yearly.

Okay.

Hysterectomy.

It starts with a P.

Is it pap smear?

Uh-huh.

How do you say?

I say pap schmear.

No, no, I don't.

I don't.

I don't.

Because

two people said that in the last couple of weeks, and I was like,

and they were both men?

Yeah.

And I was like, men think it's pap smear.

they think it goes on a bagel.

It's the only time they hear the word smear

because smear?

Yeah, yeah.

And so they think schmear is smear.

I think they do.

Interesting.

Schmear the queer.

Terrible game from our youth.

All right.

Well, then I guess.

Was it homophobic at the scene?

I never thought it was when I was talking about it.

I never did.

I always thought it was the odd person.

That's what I thought.

We have talked about this.

I know we've talked about this.

At least.

I know we have.

It was an episode-long discussion.

It was.

On a very special freedom.

Now, wait, speaking of the hand in front of your face test,

when I was a kid, I remember

as a teenager, prime age when you're like, am I gay?

And you're trying to figure out, like, what if I think about this?

Does it do anything?

Oh, interesting.

That kind of thing.

And somebody said,

oh, look at your fingernails.

And so it's the, and so

how you hold your hand.

Yeah, I've heard that.

Like, because women will hold their hands out and look at the nails like with their fingers raised and men

will

curl their fingers in and look i beg your pardon you know how in glorious bastards they could tell that someone was a spy because he said i'll have two drinks he did it this way was it was that because he's a bad i don't remember that it sounds dumb as shit yeah because because uh germans do it this way oh right like that european count with the thumb first and then yeah yeah and he said i'll have two more drinks and they immediately zeroed in on on him and said, You're a spy.

That's a pretty good test.

Pretty good test if you're making it up.

It's a pretty good test.

That should be making it up.

The number one thing in spy school, though, is the finger raise.

The finger raise.

Remember where fingers go in different countries.

Yes.

Like this one, for instance.

That's really in certain countries.

The middle finger is number one.

They start with that.

You go one, two,

second middle finger.

Double birds.

Then you get the pinkies out there for a while.

So

if you really want to get away with your spying, you go to the bar and you say, I'll have two beers, your middle fingers.

Or just don't hold your fingers up at all.

Why don't you just say two, please?

Yeah, so wait, how were your fingernails when you did that?

Which way?

How are they?

Which way do you look at them?

I think I looked at them the lady way

and I was like, oh, no.

I didn't get to it.

Then I forgot about it and I just remembered it the other day.

You were gay.

I was like, oh, no, I got married to a woman.

Oh, no.

The only way to really know is if you'd, if you'd try it out, right?

That's not true.

No,

speaking of men, we

boys.

Those rascally dogs.

What have they up to now?

This is a new segment.

Paul's men talk.

That's right.

Ladies, take a breather.

Uh-huh.

Wait, women can't listen to you talk about men?

No, I'm talking about men to men.

Oh, okay.

Well, women won't be interested.

Okay.

Women won't be interested?

I don't think so.

All right, let's test it out.

All right, look at your nails.

Okay.

If you're looking at them with your fingernails up, don't listen.

Okay.

We were on a,

we went to Las Vegas.

My wife was a little bit more.

Yeah, that's right.

This weekend, we saw a concert.

I don't want to say it.

We saw Miranda Lambert's Velvet Rodeo.

You didn't want to say that.

Why didn't you want to say it?

Because if you wanted to keep that private, I didn't want to say it.

Is that a personal thing that happened to you?

I don't think of it that way.

I try to be more restrained about what I say on a mic every once in in a while.

Every once in a while.

You will say basically anything to us, but you won't share that he went to a Miranda Lemon House in case that's private.

Other people's things I don't want to say.

No, it's true.

It's true.

It's his journey he went on.

So how was that?

Thank you for respecting that.

Yeah.

On the way there,

we were boarding the plane southwest.

Well, what I love about that is you can board from the back and the front in Bet Burbank.

It's true.

Bet Burbank.

And

can you exit from the back?

You can.

Depending on

Burbank.

That's right.

My mouse exit only.

So you don't put TP up there?

In your bum hole.

Mr.

Wunch.

Mr.

Drywipe.

Dry wipe.

Mr.

Drywipe.

Oh, Mr.

Green.

Aren't you glad I told women not to listen?

Yeah, I'm up this men's talk right now.

I'm entertaining the men.

So

here's what happened.

We had separate.

should we tell people what's going on?

I'm signing the fucking book for all of you people.

I'm signing my pages right now, and I'm trying to do it while talking.

And I think I'm doing a great job.

You're doing pretty good.

Paul did half the books, and

he did so many others.

He did so many.

Here's the journey.

I'm doing a

small portion portion.

Here's the journey with Star Wars.

Scott.

One quarter portion.

One quarter portion.

Come on, Matt.

Yeah.

So

Scott asks me, he emails me, and he says, would you like to sign some books?

You don't have to do it.

Would you like to do this?

And I said, yeah, I'll sign a bunch of them.

But I said it like you had to do it.

Yeah, because mine was more like you will sign them question mark.

So then

Corinne.

What's that?

The baker.

You call her the baker.

I talked about the baker, yeah.

So the baker.

But it cut the previous part.

Yeah.

Beep it.

So the baker uh says left the room by the way scott had oh great

wow he doesn't chevin we miss you

so wherefore art thou chevin um

she okay you don't have to chime in quite so much to prove you're paying attention

so um

so the baker says

the baker says uh

okay i'm gonna drop off five books five boxes of books and i was like jesus christ and then she showed up with the five boxes and i carry them them inside i'm like god damn this is a lot of books and then i opened the box

it's not even the book it's not books it's end papers so it's a billion papers yeah it weighed as much pages it weighed as much as like 25 books

oh it weighed like books for sure when i put you in the box so i really i laughed and i texted lauren almost immediately i said look what happened to me and i was like ha ha you suck you have to do that and i don't but look but paul you you did the you did four boxes in the the first night.

Yeah.

Because of your pupils.

Yeah.

I mean, I can definitely get lost in a task like that for sure.

It took me less time than I thought it was going to take me because I did twice as many as you.

And I did.

Of course you did.

Zoomed through.

Of course you did.

Anyway.

Okay, so you went to Vegas.

You saw Miranda.

Went to Vegas.

We get on the southwest flight.

Here's what happened.

We're on separate reservations on the same flight.

So

we can't check as both in the same flight.

We're not going to be able to strangers.

So you mean anyway.

Oh, this is.

Is this seat taking?

And we're both wearing trench coats with no clothes on.

You always fly southwest, so you can try to find each other.

Yeah, exactly.

And you're like, oh, are you in the same boarding group?

We get joining aisle seats, then we start making out furiously across the road.

And your trench coats come open.

Yeah.

And you're raging hard.

Tits come out.

You didn't know where it was going.

So I see that the early bird option is available for you pay a little money and you get in the A

because otherwise you could save a seat.

Yes, exactly.

Which is exactly what happens.

Because do people get mad if you save the seat?

No, they don't.

you're not technically allowed to do it.

But when you're in A,

no one's trying to sit next to each other yet, and then you have a minute.

You have a minute before people are trying to really fill those middles.

Where was Janie?

We do.

She was in group B, and she was like towards the end of group B.

Beginning of B is great.

End of B, bad news.

Right.

So B for bad news.

So

she, um, uh, uh, also, we always do adjoining aisle seats instead of sitting right next to each other.

Now, why is that, sweetie?

It's just easier.

It's just easier.

Well, because no one has to be in the middle.

We both like the aisle seat anyway.

And nobody has to be in the middle.

I don't know.

And you're not jammed up on each other.

Other than if you have kids and you need to pay attention to them.

Why do you have to sit next to each other anyway?

I don't know.

So whisper about the flight attendants.

Also,

we went to a restaurant.

This is fast forwarding.

We went to a restaurant, a great restaurant called

Roundup.

There was a Taste of Siam.

I forget the name of it, but it's so good.

And we saw...

Where was it?

In Las Vegas.

I can't remember where in Las Vegas, but in the city.

Within the city limits.

Okay, good to know.

All right.

Well, so it's some sort of Chinese restaurant.

It's not a Chinese restaurant.

It's a Thai restaurant.

Get it right.

Yes.

And we saw multiple couples sitting on the same side of a table.

Oh, yeah.

Which I had.

That's a lot likes it.

That's early relationship stuff for me.

Yeah.

It's a treat for her when I allow her to.

Well, that's sweet of you to do.

I find it very weird.

And even when we're meeting another couple and we will sit on the same side to wait for the other couple, I'm like praying, please let them get here because I don't want people to think think about

it.

It's because your knees might look at each other.

It's like weird to be sitting side by side.

It is.

It's like your pilot and co-pilot of

canoeing.

Let me feed you a little bite.

In cold places, of course, we will wear a big sweater together and sit next to each other.

You have a sweater with four arms.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So wait.

So, okay, so we're going to.

Do you want to jump ahead?

Okay, yeah, go back.

I get on the plane first.

I save a system.

Put your heating up.

Put my backpack.

Put my backpack on the seat next to me.

Oh, perfect.

On the seat across from me, I mean.

Oh, that's harder.

Yes.

That's harder.

You're trying to save an aisle.

People want the aisle.

I thought you were saving a middle.

So this is where I'm going to be able to do it.

No, no, no.

Saving an aisle.

This is where it's getting

difficult

to me.

Exactly, exactly.

But two people, a couple, get into Janie's row.

They sit down, so the aisle is still open.

Okay, right.

That works.

So she finally gets on.

Finally.

And she's got a roly bag.

And now of course there's no room in the overheads and so above my my overhead above my seat there's a bag that's sideways right and so I go

to turn it the other way

and then I hear this little voice uh-oh was it a rat was it a mouse I wish

it was a big flying the planet it was a big baby who'd grown into a man but was still a baby oh a little bitch he's a he's a couple he's a couple rows ahead

and he goes he's a couple rows ahead

he doesn't even put oh whatever.

Exactly.

I can't.

I hear this guy go,

it doesn't fit that way.

Put it back.

Shut up.

Shut up.

What?

I turn around.

And also,

you'll come to that conclusion if that is true.

Yes.

Like, shut up.

So he sees me trying it.

And Jane, anyway, so I turn around and I.

Did you get out where Janie yelled at you?

You cut something out of the story.

You were like, anyway.

No, no, no i'm i'm i i skipped doing it for length so uh uh i'm telling you i was out of order for a second we're all out of order

um and that's out of balance sorry life out of balance

so uh i turn and i see this guy and he says this podcast

major score so i look at him and he says again it doesn't fit that way turn it back i'm sorry put it back are you this is where i chuck his thing off the plane and i say I say, okay, man.

So

pardon.

He's saying, put it back because you're touching his suitcase or no, his suitcases are nowhere near yours.

No, his suit.

No, this is his suitcase.

Okay, so that's why he's mad.

Okay, I'm just making sure he has a reason to be chiming in, but he doesn't exactly.

He still does.

He doesn't have a reason.

He still doesn't, but I'm saying it's his item.

Yes, it's his item, and he's very protective of it.

And who knows what's in there?

That was kind of Janie's theory.

He's going to a conventional.

Last still, though.

Yeah.

I never for a second thought that it was about what was inside.

I'm sure it's not.

It was just like, don't touch my steel.

No, I'm sure it's not.

So I say, okay, man, okay.

We just, you know, we're looking for room to put this suitcase away.

And that happens every second on a flight.

And so Janie then has to like go back behind herself and put it in a, in a, in an overhead bin a few rows away.

Feeling so.

Then more people get, so Janie sits down.

More people come on the plane.

Somebody tries to do the same thing with this guy's bag.

Does he yell at this guy?

And again, he's watching this thing like a hawk.

It doesn't fit that way.

Put it back.

You think he would relax?

No, but I think now he had to do it again because he's shown that he cares.

Then Janie tells me, she reveals, she finds out from the people

next to her that he did it before Janie got on, too.

And I didn't notice it.

So this guy's just been watching this bag the entire boarding process.

Yeah, exactly.

Because also what you should do if that's your bag is let it be fucked with because you look like you're wrong for bringing the wrong size bag.

And don't just make it...

exactly.

You have to say

you get the

flight attendants, then the authorities involved.

Well, eventually, I mean, this guy got his way.

Yeah, you got his way.

Here's what?

And he's sitting with a woman next to him.

She says nothing.

Right.

Well, of course, she's like, I'm stoned silent forever because my husband is a pro.

My husband is in charge.

The Bible tells me so.

So, um, yes, my husband is in charge.

So, at the end of, so we land, and um, at the end of the flight, I was so worried that story, you just were going to fly around.

You were worried we were still on the plane?

Yeah.

And now you're on the plane too.

So everybody's getting their luggage.

And then I'm, I'm talking to Janie, and then I hear somebody say, excuse me.

And I turn around and it's the guy's wife.

No, no.

And she says, could you get my bag, please?

And I say loudly, oh, this bag?

Is it this one?

And people are fucking laughing.

It is so, it's so sad.

It's the one that doesn't fit the other one.

exactly i can touch it now yeah exactly oh my god that's amazing so then uh and did janie did he ever look he no

it bugged janie so much it stayed with her for such a long time

and for me not not quite but it was like i'm still thinking about that guy but to me it was it was so funny because his voice was so pathetic the put it back was really was really what made me laugh yeah he was trying to be so

and so janie was like

a bunch bunch of things were going on in Vegas that weekend.

There was a rodeo convention.

Oh, convention.

Yes.

And there was also a big one.

That's where you go by ropes and stuff.

Yeah.

You buy ropes.

Or a bunch of different rodeo people come to do one.

You can buy a bunch of sheep that are already on their side.

How does this make it easy to practice?

Yeah, there was like a rodeo event in town.

Okay.

And so I've never seen so many cowboy hats in my fucking life.

It was incredible.

That's really, really, really scary.

I I saw like a guy who was like a classic bow-legged cowboy, a little old guy.

Spurs.

Absolutely.

Yeah, the whole bit.

Oh, there you are.

So this guy, this little baby man, was wearing a USC hat because USC was playing.

Oh, I saw her tweet about this.

And so she said,

in the moment, she was like, I hope his fucking team loses.

I hope USC loses so bad.

And then they did.

They were crushed.

She cursed him.

She's got powers.

They were on our return flight as well.

No.

And what happened?

Wait, and were you just there for the concert?

We were just there for the concert.

Yeah, we were there for two nights and then left.

Did he do the same thing?

He did not do the same thing that we heard.

We were much further away this time.

Okay.

But we did see

that.

We did see that we fucking, they got on first and we looked and there was the bag sideways again.

I don't like it.

And what did it fit?

I don't know.

But then this happened.

Janie was trying out a new new suitcase that was like a slightly bigger carry-on it was still a carry-on

and then when we tried to put it in our our overhead it didn't quite fit and you had to do it sideways it ended up being sideways whoa i'm sorry that is perfect yeah it was perfect you're a hypocrite you're an asshole but i think the i think the flight attendant turned it sideways we didn't do that oh okay so because you you we we oh because like we put it in

we put it in and i feel like i got it to where it did close.

But then I think there was room enough that the flight attendant just turned around.

But when I saw it, when we opened it up, it was very funny to me.

That is funny.

Well, contents may shift during the flight as well.

Well, that is something.

Man, that's so true.

That's what my tattoo says.

Can I say I got a bunch of

airplane-based tattoos?

Oh, just from the trip?

Because you were so excited.

There's another one right on my pelvic bone that says low and tight across your lap.

Look, before you get into the street.

My pelvic phone is fine.

Okay, okay, okay.

We have to take a break before you get into what you want to say.

We're going to take a break.

We'll be right back.

Get ready to embark on an unforgettable journey where the worlds of fantasy, sci-fi, gaming, and more come to life like never before.

Okay, I'm ready.

You said to get ready.

I packed everything.

Are you all ready?

Yeah, I'm ready now.

Okay, you want to be.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, what are you talking about, though?

Because I'm ready now.

All right, right, you figured it out.

That's right.

I'm talking about Comic-Con the Cruise.

Oh, Comic-Con the Cruise?

What?

This is more than a convention, folks.

You'll get to meet and interact with fan-favorite celebrities, enjoy intimate experiences you won't find anywhere else, and skip the endless lines found at other land-based events.

Okay, let me guess.

This happens from January 30th to February 3rd, 2026.

And you're sailing from Tampa to Nassau on the celebrity constellation.

You're a great guest.

This four-day luxury cruise fuses your favorite parts of the Comic-Con community with unique, interactive, and immersive experiences designed exclusively for fans like you.

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It's the ultimate fan adventure.

I remember hearing about this.

There's going to be epic theme nights.

There's going to be cosplay, panels, workshops, and late-night conversations and parties.

This is everything I go to Comic-Con in San Diego for.

So it's a floating community.

Where you can truly be yourself.

Food, accommodation, and entertainment are included.

The only thing you have to do is show up, have fun, and connect with your kind of people.

Learn more and see the full 2026 lineup, including host Felicia Day and a slew of talents celebrating fantasy, sci-fi gaming, and more.

Head over to comic-conthecruise.com slash Threedom to book your cabin and use Threedom.

This is the code.

You'll get $250 off per cabin on new reservations.

This is incredible.

That's a good deal.

See you there.

Ahoy.

Cooler temps are rolling in.

Dude, doo dah.

And as always, Quince is where I'm turning for fall staples that actually last from cashmere to denim to boots.

I've seen you so furious.

I'm mad, but I'm getting happier.

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I got to ask you about their denim.

Okay, Okay, well, their denim's durable and it fits right.

What about leather jackets?

They are real and they bring that clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

Sounds good.

What makes Quince different?

Hey, everyone.

Oh, hey, well, they partner directly with ethical factories and skip the middlemen.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

Can I hear some personal experience from you?

Because I'm still a little skeptical for some reason.

Well, one of my favorite pieces from Quince is their 100% merino wool all-season short-sleeve tee.

Now, I've been trying to incorporate more natural fibers into my wardrobe, as I'm telling you all the time, and wool totally fits the bill.

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Now, I've been wearing mine so much, I just ordered one in another color.

I want to keep it classic and cool this fall.

Do you have any suggestions?

You should do that with long-lasting staples from Quince.

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No, that's great.

How do you spell it?

I was gonna say

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Yes, and you have to.

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It's back.

Back to school season.

School season, little boys and girls.

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And we're back.

Yes.

Can I just say that I think if one of us has a repetitive task to do, it really helps out the others because

I got through that story in record time.

Can you believe it?

So unfair to say,

maybe I need some.

I feel like I interrupted a lot.

I think we should all, but not as much.

Oh, believe me.

You still interrupted.

Have we ascertained what the problem with show is?

Shut up.

But I think I, here's the thing.

We still have interruptions.

It's just not as magic.

And so if one person has to do something, we take turns.

We take turns.

Okay, so for the next show, I have some for you to sign as well.

I want to tell you guys about something I ate because you said that it stuck with Janie for a long time that that thing happened with the guy.

I had to sit down.

Was it one day?

Sorry.

Hold on a second.

So when you brought that box in and Lauren said, are these for me to sign?

And you said, no, that's something else.

Is that what you meant?

I'm having Matt sign them.

Okay.

But

I wanted some that the two of you.

I could sign them now.

What is he doing?

He is doing them.

Oh, oh, okay.

I wanted some that the two

of them.

I wanted

some that the two of you signed together.

I apologize.

I wanted some threedom ones.

Op producer.

My apologies to Op Producer.

Op Producer, Matt.

I ate something yesterday that stuck with me.

I did two.

Big deal.

Okay, you're playing me, I see.

That stuck with me for the whole day because it was the aftertaste was so nasty oh no that i almost threw up and my something you've never eaten before it was something i never had it was a okay so i bought um i bought at whole foods just randomly these keto cups i don't care about keto i don't know but i thought it was like a healthy peanut butter cup it was like hazelnut butter and a chocolate um thing yeah and i was like whatever and i'll try

and i ate it and i was like it's hazelnut butter which i've never really had i guess in a thing i don't even know know if I've ever had that.

And that was a little bit odd.

I was like, okay, it's a little chalky.

It's a little, I'm not sure about this.

The aftertaste was like,

I guess not.

If you've ever had, I recently had to drink, I was playing a game show thing where it was like, you had to, you, you ate things you didn't know if they were going to taste bad or not, and they were like tainted.

And it was, it tasted

like expired?

No, it went, no, no, tainted with a flavor.

Is that what you would say?

No, maybe.

Flavored?

Yeah.

Tainted sounds more like

you were risking your life.

It's bad.

It was like flavored with that nail polish or that stuff you put on your nails to not bite your nails.

So when you heard the song Tainted Love, you thought it was about a nice love that.

Like flavorful.

No, I'm telling you,

Tainted is bad because it was tainted with gross flavors.

And they put in the flavor of like a bitter thing that you put on your nails to not bite them.

Right.

Right.

Which tastes horrendous.

So I recently tried that.

The aftertaste of this is that.

It was making me sick.

If anyone knows why it was like that, because I was really good.

Do you want to put that brand on blast?

Keto Cups.

They're called that brand?

Keto Cup Cups?

I think so.

I don't know what the brand is.

It was called Keto Cups.

You know, Ryan Gall brought those.

Was it?

What were the things we ate in Maine that he

has with his kids where they love eating it?

It's like you get

a gross one.

It's a game you play.

It's a game you have to spin a wheel.

Is it like the gross jelly beans where one's...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I don't know if it's jelly beans.

I can't remember.

It was

something like that.

But they made a game out of it where it's like, if you, if you

lands here, you have to eat this or whatever.

And it could be the good one or it could be the bad one because they're the same color.

And he was like,

let's do this.

And I said, no.

Yeah.

We did.

Why would I willingly do that?

Yeah.

But it's funny to watch people.

Was it fun?

It was fun.

Yeah.

And he says he and his kids just really enjoy it.

Yeah.

It's for children.

Yeah.

And for lions.

What flavors did you get?

Everything I ate was bad.

Like

I never got a good one.

But butt flavor?

Like butt and ass

and tushy.

Battle.

Battle?

Battle.

Battle.

Battle.

The bat hole.

That's where Batman lives.

Come, Robin.

Let's go to the bat hole.

They were going next.

They were going next.

I don't think I'm going next.

Go to the bat hole.

Hey, shout out to the Gotham Knights video game, which I've been playing.

Oh, how is it?

Nice.

Isn't it supposed to be good?

Do you play video games?

I just got a Matt knows this.

I just got a Switch due to Nick Weiger and his insistence.

I have a switch.

No, this is the movie with Jimmy Switzerland Barker.

I was like,

yes, it was, yeah, I got that.

I got the DVD.

Matt, didn't I see you on Animal Crossing Island?

Yeah, we had fun.

I've been moving my arms and she sort of moves the same way sometimes.

Oh, fun.

Yeah.

So why do you get a Switch?

What are you going to play on there?

I have been playing Mario Kart, and that's about it.

And then Matt was like, yeah, here's my username.

And whenever we're online together, we can play together.

Incredible impression.

He's never online.

You're never online.

I see him online sometimes.

Shot always always looks for you.

I see, I've seen friends.

I've seen that a lot.

I'm so lonely there.

No friends.

I'm so lonely.

I will often see Matt was recently online.

Yeah, was recently, sure.

And it makes me think: does he bail?

He sees me pop up there and he's like, I got to get off here.

Yeah, shit.

Oh, this guy's vlogging on.

This guy from work ruining my fun time.

Yeah.

But I don't really love all the fighting type games like Gotham Knights.

I don't either.

The thing is, like, this game has a couple

bosses that are really hard.

The Joker?

Joker hasn't appeared yet.

Joker's not there?

King Koopa's in it.

That'd be cool if they like.

Donkey Kong is in Gotham Knights.

Someday I hope that everything is owned by Disney so that Mario can battle Batman.

I hope they fall in love.

Yeah.

Oh, that would be cool.

Why are we just having people fight?

Shout out to the Chippendales movie.

It's actually really fun.

And they do mix all the little worlds together on that

Kuma's Chippendales movie?

No, Chippendale.

Yeah, you see

Paul Snyder, who murdered Dorothy Stratton.

He's there with the guy from Clockwork Orange.

They're having fun.

This is content for me.

Yeah.

Chip and Dale, the movie written by Dan Gregor.

By Dan Gore, Gregor, yeah.

And also Dan Gore.

Hold on.

Or I did say Dan Gore.

Dumb man.

Great people, great movie, wonderful times.

I really enjoyed it.

I had a lot of fun putting up for Holly.

She was having fun.

Did she have to watch TV?

We let her watch

her sometimes, now.

So she'll watch, she's watched Frozen.

She really kept looking back like, oh,

she was so excited.

What did she think about the wickedly talented Adele Dazine?

She thought she was amazing.

You know?

It's always funny to me.

I love it.

That was one of the best moments in TV

when he pauses.

He stretches out wicked as long as he can.

And he's like, please let it come to me.

Please let it come to me.

But if I were him, I think I would have just mouthed the water again and then pretended

I was on a trapdoor and just disappeared.

Killing talented.

And just disappear.

You know what, though?

You could tell he's a real star because nothing

can happen.

Nope.

It was just funny.

We just like him.

We don't like him too much.

Did he ever apologize?

He should have.

Did he really?

I think he should have apologized to her directly.

Did he ever say, I hope, like when she walked up, he was like,

hey, I'm sorry.

No, I bet he sent her something the next day.

This is a good follow-up story.

We knew where are reporters.

I bet he walked up to her and he was like, How close was that?

That's the man.

Don't tell me, don't tell me.

Because I was, I'm just, I feel like it was close, but I'm not sure.

I'm just like, how close was that?

That's the way to play it.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the way to play it.

If you fuck with somebody's name, was I close?

Yeah.

I mean, I almost got that.

That was a groveling apology.

I do think, like, really rich celebrities are out there sending huge gifts.

He must have, he bought her a plane.

Like, who did I see?

Like, somebody, like Cheryl Lee Ralph from Abbott Elementary, a huge receiver.

Celebrity you can think of.

No, but I'm saying she received flowers from Oprah.

Oh, and Oprah had

a huge trunk opened up and like these big flowers being delivered to her house.

And it was like so amazing.

Wow.

Like a trunk of her.

Where are flowers from Oprah?

What?

Dan, whatever.

I don't know.

Why is that weird?

Why is that weird?

Wait, she got her a car?

I'm picturing just

bring him up.

She was filled with loose flowers.

They were beautifully arranged.

Anyway, whatever.

But I'm just like, they must be doing like people with like billions of dollars just said.

Wait, but why did.

Oh, just because she thought she was great.

Not because she's a bad person.

She won an apology, right?

So after Schwang Yammy.

Right, right.

No, no, no.

It wasn't an apology.

No.

No.

No.

So in any case, Holly is able to watch.

Keep signing.

She's watching a little bit of screens.

She loves Bluey.

That's Bluey.

Bluey is an Australian cartoon.

It's really sweet.

Bluey, I know what Bluey is.

I don't know what Bluey looks like.

And I kind of hope I never did.

Oh, okay.

Bluey's actually

the only show we were letting her watch for a while while because the episodes are seven minutes and it's really cute and sweet and it makes you the adults kind of like feel something like it's like just they're very sweet episodes i'll be the judge of that the dad is like the best dad ever and the mom is mr feelings and it's like about a little these two little girl dog like they're like

like shepherds like they're like you know

australian wood dogs or something like i don't know what they are

they're not domesticated in real life are they like the tasmanian tiger i don't know what they are guys i they live in a house in the show, and they're very cute.

And they just have little imaginary situations.

I had a screen on the other day, you know, and

you let Mm-hmm.

Little Miss Butt Blaster.

She seemed like she was looking at it.

Little Miss Butt Blaster.

This is what you call your daughter?

Okay.

Yeah.

It's your house.

She had some

real butt blasters.

Real butt blasters today.

Yeah, I mean, she's a baby.

Yeah, like a little food voice.

She's like, talking about it, like, this is one thing about her.

She shits all the time.

Yeah, it's like the doi.

So do I.

I was thinking today.

Call me little Miss or Big Miss Butt Blaster.

Big Miss Blood Blaster.

Big Mrs.

Butt Blaster.

Thank you.

I was thinking today that she's two months old.

Aw.

Okay, just six of these is a year.

Yeah.

If I can get to 18 of those.

You're afraid of diapers.

No, just like being rid of the responsibility of it.

If I can get to

six more of those those and then 18 of those,

then she'll be out of the house.

Just potty trainer.

Go out of the house.

She's a potty trainer right now.

I thought you were saying 18 months.

I thought so too.

No, no, just six of these.

I thought so too.

Six of these two-month things.

And then if I can get through that and then do 18 more of those, she'll be.

Yeah, and then you'll just be hanging out, doing whatever you want.

I'll get there at some point, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Are you feeling a little wild because like two months ago you were able to do whatever you want all the time?

It's a little bit of that.

So is that kind of like a crazy adjustment for you?

Are you feeling like, whoa?

Yeah.

Or is is it your life exactly the same?

I had a friend who, yeah, was like, my life's not going to change.

Oh, well, that's stupid.

Whatever you told me.

Unless you have like all the help in the world and you don't do anything.

No, I mean, it is a little bit of an adjustment where, like, especially in the first couple of weeks, a couple of weeks, you're like asking permission if you can go to the bathroom to your spouse.

Like,

raise your hand.

Or still like, I'm going to take a shower.

Is that okay?

Is that okay?

Does that bother you right now?

Not really, but kind of.

If it's such an adjustment, why don't you call the adjustment bureau?

That's a good point.

All those hats.

Yeah.

They're just behind your walls.

Was that the premise?

The premise was sort of like set, where it's like the world is a big set, essentially, and you can cut through the backstage of

the earth or whatever.

Really?

Maybe I didn't see it.

I don't know.

I didn't see the whole thing.

I saw part of it.

Pat, when we're together, will you just ask us if you can go to the bathroom just to make it kind of go to the bottom?

Can I go right now?

But right here.

Yeah.

Honestly, if you did, I think that'd be hilarious.

you would not imagine it would be one of my best stories it's funny it's funny to think about like go to the bathroom would you be on my side about it or no okay but it would be

so funny i'd be like i only want to do it daddy was going to do it then he just started shitting in the middle of the room i only wanted to laugh at it go to the bathroom i loved it go to the bathroom as a phrase

or at least like news

what go to the bathroom as a phrase why do you go there and but it's it used to and then at some point somebody was like, I went to the bathroom, but right here.

I went to the bathroom in my pants.

In high school, I always thought it'd be really funny to just say, I'm going to pee right now and then start peeing.

But it was like, how hard would that be?

You always thought that would be very funny.

It was that conversation that we brought up a bunch of times.

Like, what if, what if, like, could you do it right now?

Like, if everyone's looking at you and just go like,

guess what?

If you're in a movie, you can piss at any time.

There's, there's always scenes in movies of like some bad guy like pissing on a guy he just killed or something like that.

I love his pisses and shortcuts.

What was I just watching?

Wait, hold on.

What show was I watching where this guy's walking on the street and then he pisses in the street, and his friend blocks him, and then the cops roll up.

Wait, you just watched it too.

Yes, because I do feel like it was something someone's oh, say it again: someone's pissing in the street,

reboot, shit, reboot.

It was reboot, it was reboot, Paul Riser, Paul Riser, and Keenan.

I really like that show.

Keegan, Michael Key, yeah, Keenan Ivory Waynes, yes,

Keenan Wins Jr.

Okay.

Keenan and Kell.

Keenan Thompson, yeah.

Kelly Lee Ripper.

Rippa.

Kelly Lee Rippa.

Rippa Jack the Rippa.

You Ripa this suit.

I break a U-face.

I'm enjoying a reboot, though.

I'm like, I want to be on a show like that.

That sounds fun.

Well, why don't you get cast in something?

That's the big question.

Put me in the reboot of the reboot.

I was in the reboot.

I just want to put it out there in case there's any casting people listening.

I'd like to be in more TV shows.

Hey, I'll say that right now.

I'm available to work on television.

Absolutely.

Hey, my schedule is clear.

Please.

I can't tell if no casting people listen to this or all of them do and go,

just to make sure.

Every week, like, nope, nope, still not good.

Still on the naughty list.

All right, we have to take a break.

We'll be right back.

Good.

Every caregiving journey is unique, but the isolation, guilt, and exhaustion we all feel, that's universal.

It's reality, it's life.

You know, I wish it could all be happy and joyous, but sometimes it's full of rage and that is what it is.

That's why this show exists, to be a safe place for caregivers to land.

Listen to Squeezed, wherever you get your podcasts.

And we're back.

And it's time for a three chur.

And this is, I forget what it's called.

Doesn't matter.

We can name it a different thing every time.

Yeah, let's call it George.

I'm going to call it

George.

No, I'm going to call it.

No, not George.

Let's call it George W.

Bush the third.

Yeah.

I'm going to call it George W.

Virg.

Virgin.

Oh, boy.

George W.

Bush.5 because it's like half.

That half, then half, then half.

Yeah, I love that.

How many of you saw?

I know.

I'm starting to get losing my brain cells.

From Huffington all this.

Look at that stack.

From Huffingt Shuttle Art Permanent Marker.

Where did you get those?

Never heard of that brand.

They're actually really good.

They're good, but I thought I was ordering Sharpies and they are not Sharpie.

This is going to run out of ink a little quicker.

Well, you're thinking you have 55.

Yeah.

Okay, so this is a game where

we do a scene in one minute and then we have it and do a scene in 30 seconds.

The same scene.

We try to do the same stuff.

Then we go to 15 seconds, then we go to eight seconds, four seconds, two seconds, one second.

This is fun.

So the first one that we we do is a minute long, and we just

let it ride.

It's about whatever.

Matt, we need a suggestion of your favorite thing to do when you're alone.

Be honest.

Not on a mic.

You text it to us.

Also, in case you are hearing this for the first time this game, everybody loves it.

So you should know that.

You should know that.

You should know that going in.

And you have to love this.

Well, or else you're not going to be.

You're saying, like, if you don't love it, something's wrong with you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So

when does this episode come out?

In Curiosity?

I'll tell you.

I believe it comes out December 15th.

Okay.

Wow, the Ides of December.

I'm going to plug a show that I'm doing.

I'm going to plug one that I'm doing too.

While we're waiting for Matt.

Because yours is after the 15th.

Yours is more important to plug.

But mine's a month later.

Lauren!

Fuck you.

Well, Variatopia is happening in mere days, the 18th of December

at Lodroom in Highland Park.

It's going to be a really fun show.

Special surprise guests, people that have not done the show before, but I'm thrilled to have for the first time.

And we got weird stuff planned.

Comedy, music.

It's going to be great.

And I'm just going to...

Take it to Pauloftomkins.com slash live.

Thank you.

I'm doing my first own show at Dynasty Typewriter.

It is an improv show.

I'm compiling a group of improvisers, and it'll be different.

Every month, if I do it again, I'm assuming I will.

They each have their strengths and weaknesses.

Oh, of course.

Everyone does.

I'm hiring this person for this weakness.

This is like a week.

This show is January 14th, and you should get tickets now.

I haven't announced it yet, and I haven't announced the cast, but it is really good, and I'm very excited.

Fantastic!

It's gonna be so fun!

And I guess we're not rescheduling our show, but we need to do our two.

Well, as I was saying, and I'm looking at going, we need to do our own show again.

Well, because of what happened to me, where was I?

I was out of town or something, yeah, it was just at a bad time.

Yeah, but um, no, let's do it again, obviously, that's always fun.

Um, but I decided to branch out and do my own thing because everyone was doing this, and I was like, you know what?

That's really fun.

That's really fun, that's really fun.

All right, let's start.

Here we go, ready and go.

Hi, guys.

I'm glad you're here.

Yeah, I was here before you.

Yeah, but I'm showing up and I'm saying I'm glad you're here.

Beekaboo, I was actually in the closet.

Oh, I'm glad you're here.

I was here first watching both of you arrive.

Okay.

Yeah.

Now we're all here.

Yes.

Yeah, you are late.

I know.

So I'm glad you're here to tell me that I'm here.

Of course we're here.

Look, start the money.

We've been waiting for 20 minutes.

How do you know that she's been waiting for 20 minutes?

She could have been at the same time.

She said she's been hiding in the closet.

I saw her hide there.

I have a bed, pajamas, toothbrush, and my glasses all in there.

So it's been a whole night.

Hard bristles are soft.

Shaft brushers.

Beg your pardon?

Schaft brusher.

Schoft brusher.

Anyway, why did you call us here and then get here 20 minutes?

You're both fired.

No!

But I love working here.

I know.

I love having here.

We love calling people and begging them to sign up for our underwear mailers.

I know, I know.

And you guys are my two best employees.

Why

I keep a boo ran at a time.

What a great scene.

What a big scene that was.

A fascinating scene for the ages.

All right.

So now can we do it?

Or are we going to cut that in half?

Oh, I can see.

All right, ready?

I can see how it'll go.

I'm glad you're here.

Yeah, I know.

I was here.

Peekaboo, I've already been here in the closet.

I'm glad you're here, too.

You're late.

Thank you for the meeting.

You're 20 minutes late.

I know, but that's why I'm glad you're here.

Is it worse thing?

I slept here with my glasses, my toothbrush.

Soft bristles are hard.

Shauf brischers.

What?

Shaft brischers.

Shaft Bristles.

Chaff Bristols.

Anyway, why are we here?

Well,

first of all, I'm glad you're here.

I don't know if I said that.

Yes, you did.

So many times.

But secondly, you're fired.

No, we love it.

Please, sir.

You're fair.

You're my best employee.

Oh, that was really good.

All right, 15 seconds.

Here we are.

Yeah.

And go.

I'm glad you're here.

Why?

Yeah, we've been here for 20 minutes.

In the closet, sleeping with my toothbrush and my glasses.

Softer heart?

Schaffburcher.

Okay.

Well, the reason I called you here is you're fired.

No, we love working here.

The honor of mailing.

I know you're my best employee, so I love having you here.

No.

Then why are you firing us?

Well,

there's a little old thing called firing.

To be frank, I knew

I was trying to hit the starter.

You hit lap

for a few times.

So we had a little extra time on that.

Oh, my God.

Scott.

It felt like ours.

What a bombshell.

Okay, here we go.

Eight seconds and go.

Glad you're all here.

Well, we've been here for 10 minutes.

Where have you been?

Soft bristles are hard.

Shock, Brischer.

Well, you're fired.

Well, no, we love you.

I know I love you, but I'm firing you because.

Why?

All right, four seconds.

Ready and go.

Glad.

Peeking.

Shock, Bristol.

Underwear Miller.

We love it, sir.

We actually got more in there, but all right.

Two seconds and go.

Shop, British.

You're fired.

Peekaboy.

One second and go.

Fired.

Sorry.

That was good.

That was good.

Let's do one more.

Yeah, we should do one more.

Should we go to two minutes?

Oh, fuck no.

I feel like with the one minute,

everything afterwards is gravy.

Yeah, let's go to two minutes.

Let's go to two.

Everything's just pure gravy, flowing off the dish.

We didn't use math suggestion.

We didn't.

No, we didn't.

But it's funny.

It's like a little prank we played on him.

We made him text us something personal.

And then we'll just ignore it.

Okay.

His suggestion was: do we want to say, watch TV?

Now that's our suggestion for this one.

Okay, here we go.

Hey,

I've just bought a giant.

What?

A giant.

What?

I bought a giant.

A person?

Yeah.

Is that slavery?

Dude, you're slave owners.

No, that's not good.

But it's like just like a person.

You can't buy dollars, can't you?

They can't talk and shit.

Well, I mean, giants only say FIFA faux fume.

Brillbin.

They also smell the blood.

Brillbin.

Brillbin.

This is exactly your problem.

You can't just be buying giants and think they're going to live in our two-bedrooms.

Well, Drake, what are we supposed to watch?

TV.

Was he gonna perform for us?

Yeah.

I trained him.

What a cut.

You bought

him?

How long have you had this giant?

For about three hours, I think.

And you've already trained him to do what?

Okay, so what?

Is he a robot or an idiot?

Good question.

Is he a robot or an idiot?

I think he's a little bit of both, honestly.

Bottom half robot, top half idiot.

I don't even trigger.

Okay, wait, bottom half robot means we could fuck.

You could fuck a giant?

Well, I wouldn't want to do an idiot.

You can't fuck an idiot.

You don't want to take advantage.

Yeah.

Well, anyway, I'll.

Look, look, look, you're going to get it.

You have to pay double rent if you're going to have a giant live here.

Exactly.

Well, he's not going to be in his own room.

He's going to be in my room.

That's part of the problem.

He's going to be eating my chex mix.

He's going to be stealing my beans.

Yeah, where'd you get those beans, by the way?

I bought them from someone in exchange for a cow.

Wait,

you bought the beans.

I sold our cow.

No, not our cow.

Robert, our roommate.

And I milk him every morning.

I know, and I milk him every night.

I milk him in the afternoons.

No, who's going to do it morning, noon, and night?

That guy's been milked.

A male cow shouldn't be milked, if you're being honest.

No, they shouldn't.

He gets really upset anytime any of us get near him.

Yeah.

But he likes it at the end.

Yeah, by the by the way.

Well, when he's drinking, it's milk.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He loves it.

Well, are we out of milk?

Yeah.

That was fun because I don't remember a word.

Okay, so that was one word.

I remember a word.

I remember one word.

Or sorry, that was two minutes.

That was two minutes.

Okay.

Thank you, Jupiter.

This is one minute.

Hey, guys.

Come in here.

I bought a giant.

A giant what?

No, that's it.

Just a giant.

You bought a giant?

Yeah.

That's like slavery.

Wait, you can buy a dog.

Brilliant speech.

Dogs can't talk, Brillbin.

Brillbin, you can't buy it.

He barely talks.

He just says FIFO Fum and whatever rhymes with it.

He smells annoying.

Well, okay, I'll send him back.

But, I mean, what else are we going to watch?

TV.

Come on, Brillbin.

You don't want to watch him?

Do you want the tricks that I train?

What did you do?

You trained him already?

Yeah.

How long have you had him?

Three hours.

And three hours?

He's either a robot or an idiot.

Yeah.

I think he's a little bit of both.

He's a robot on the bottom, idiot on top.

He's a robot on the bottom.

We can fuck him.

You can't fuck an idiot.

Well, I don't want to take advantage.

Okay.

All right.

Well, he's going to have to pay more rent.

Yeah, you're going to pay double.

Why?

He's going to be in my room.

Yeah, he's going to eat all my checks, man.

Steal all my beans.

Wait, where'd you get all those beans?

I got them for trading the cow, Robert.

Robert?

Robert, you traded our cow?

Yes.

I love that cow.

I love milking him every morning.

I milk him every night.

I milk him in the afternoon.

Who's going to milk him morning, noon, and night?

That was actually.

Perfect.

That was perfect.

All right.

We should actually transcribe that scene because it was really good.

I think we should write it and make it a movie.

That's a feature.

That's definitely a feature.

All right.

How many have I signed?

100?

30 seconds.

Here we go.

Hey, guys, I bought a giant.

A giant?

What?

Just a giant.

That's slavery.

No, it's not.

He taught you can buy a dog.

What?

You can't.

Anyway.

We can watch TV.

Yes.

Well,

you don't want to watch it.

I tried him all these things.

Well, how'd you train him so fast?

Three hours.

How'd you train him so fast?

I just did it, but hey, he must be a robot or an idiot.

Is he a robot or an idiot?

You can't fuck him if he's an idiot.

No, we don't have a cow anymore.

What?

No, he's a robber.

But I like to milk him in the morning.

I milk him at night.

I milked him in the afternoon.

I was going to milk him morning, noon, and night.

All right.

15 seconds.

We're really sticking the landing on this one.

Here we go.

Having a great time.

Go.

Hey, I bought a giant

TV.

A giant.

Just a giant.

I bought a TV.

Can we watch it?

Yes, I'd love to watch a giant TV.

Any of them.

Well, you're going to pay double wage.

What is he?

A bad or an idiot.

Bazinga.

How did we say we were sticking the landing?

Eight seconds.

We did not stick the beginning.

Here we go.

Hey, guys, I bought a giant.

Slavery.

No.

TV.

Beans.

Cow.

Robert.

Milk.

Morning, noon.

Afternoon.

Gone.

No.

All right.

Four seconds.

I think the worst part is when we hold, waiting for the thing.

Waiting for the thing.

Four seconds, here we go.

Giant.

Slavery.

No.

Robot.

Fuck him.

Idiot.

Robert.

Morning, moon, moon, night.

Morning, moon, moon, night.

All right, two seconds.

Giant.

Cow gone.

Cow, Robert, morning, noon, night.

And one second.

cow milk giant

you skipped your whole deal

funky for listening.

This is freedom if in case we didn't say it at the top.

Yeah.

And hope you're out there having a good holiday season.

Listening during the holidays, It's the holiday season.

And whoop-dee-doo.

And say great.

And don't forget to hang up.

They're coming down the chimney.

Coming down the chimney.

So, yes, again, those shows,

Sunday, December 18th at Lodge Room.

Tickets are available at Pauloftonkas.com slash live.

January 14th at Dynasty Typewriter, but it's a Saturday and dynastytypewriter.com.

There you go.

Great.

You have us?

Friends.

Isn't that something?

Yeah.

And we're all going to go out this week, so I'm happy about that.

Yes, we're having dinner together.

It's gonna be very fun.

Mike and I have never been to Tam O'Shanto.

Oh, no, never?

Yeah, this is great.

This is great.

Is everything like beans in a pot?

Everything.

Okay.

They're famous for it.

Like metaphorically.

But the menu has a million items on it.

Beans in the pot.

But whatever you order, it's beans in a pot.

Yeah.

If you are following us online, it's at Freedom USA.

And if you, you know, on Tuesdays, we're doing our very special

Three Visiting on the Twos.

We're re-releasing all of our previous episodes in order on Tuesdays.

Does anyone know why we're doing that?

Because they don't want to be behind the paywallet.

Oh, I think it's great for everyone who doesn't want to pay the paywall.

Yeah, absolutely.

But if you want to hear ad-free versions, you can hear them at StitcherPremium or at cbbworld.com.

And that's it for this episode.

We love you.

Thank you for listening.

Love you.

We'll see you next week.

Bye.

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