Garbling Balls

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I'll see you in your dreams.

FREEDOM!

Wake up!

Freedom!

Freedom!

Freedom!

Oh my god.

I'm here, I'm here, mirror, mirror.

I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

Mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror.

It's Chinatown, Jake.

Forget it, Jake.

Forget it, Chinatown.

Jake, just forget it.

Forget it, Jake.

It's Chinatown.

You're 90 at this point, Jake.

Just get over it, Jake.

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I wish you'd just forget Chinatown.

I'm worried about Jake.

You forgot Chinatown.

I wanted to celebrate my birthday in Chinatown.

I'm 90.

I'm 90.

I'm Jake Nicholson.

I turned 90 and my hand became a pie.

Hi, everyone.

Welcome back to 3 Dom.

I'm Scott.

I'm Paul.

I'm Lauren.

And it's been a week since our last episode.

Is there any update, Lauren, on your groomers, your dog groomers getting back to you?

So it's been a week and they haven't gone back to you.

Okay, groomers.

Okay, groomer.

You know what?

Season two of a show I enjoy is out now.

What's that?

The show is called Platonic on Apple.

Starring Roseburn and Seth Rogan.

I also enjoy that show.

I love this show.

I laugh a lot.

I laugh a lot.

The first season I loved.

Second season, I just realized it was out, and I got to watch three and a half episodes the other night while I also had two of my gummies from our company

out of office.

Yeah.

And boy, I was loving it.

And I was melting into the bed watching this show.

And it was, it's so funny because it's so.

It's so like specific little things about life.

Yes.

And just funny little realistic conversations.

And I just love that.

Yeah.

I thought it was, I started watching it and I was like, wait a minute.

They start having sex immediately and they just have sex for like 20 minutes.

I'm like, this show's called Platonic.

Why are they having sex?

And like full graphic sex.

I was like, I don't think I saw this one.

I was like, oh, I'm not watching Platonic.

You're watching porn and having a gin and tonic.

Yeah.

Platonic was on porn.

I thought I typed in.

I thought porn was on platonic.

Do you think if you go on a porn site and type in platonic, there'll be videos?

There'll be videos of people like we're just friends we're just friends

around somebody there has to be um

yes i agree that the episode where uh beck bennett is our old crazy yes i was just watching that when when he and seth rogan are watching the movie no i don't know if i finished that episode is that the fourth one okay no spoilers it might be the fourth one for this show or anything there's a physical gag in it that i rewound a couple times because it made me laugh so hard okay i don't know if i saw that because i'm not it's not immediately coming to me this is up you know what it made me

re-watch Because, you know, I was actually thinking about this and I was going, I love this kind of show so much.

Other examples if people are interested, Breeders, fantastic show with starring Margaret Schreeman and Daisy Haggard.

I love

that show.

It started, and maybe because I'm not a parent, it started to get a little heavy in a way.

It does get heavy.

Hey, what happened to the jokes?

It does get heavy, but I love that show.

I also love Togetherness, which is in the same vein of Platonic in terms of the style and acting and stuff, which is a Duplas show.

Oh,

Linsky.

I was like, I got to rewatch that.

Amanda Pete.

I'm going to rewatch that because I watched that when it came out, but now I'm like, I might relate to it more now.

Yeah, I really loved that show.

Yeah, I love that show, and I love shows like that.

And people know other shows like that.

Tell me.

There's a show that's like, it's hard to do.

Yeah.

It's called Emergency Room.

Well, ER, they shorten it to ER.

There's 15 seasons of it if you're interested.

That doesn't seem like it's exactly the same.

This is more like a lot like it's like more like little nuanced moments.

Little relationships between doctors and nurses.

They both have hallways.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're not all in these.

They're not like Johnny Atria.

Well, and I will also use this moment to unplug, again, the show that I think people need to watch, which is episodes, which I love that.

I love.

And it's Janie's a huge.

And it's more

situational episodes.

How are you doing?

How are you doing?

Doing episodes.

There's also, this is not a spoiler, but in one of the episodes of Platonic, there is,

they go to an event at the aquarium in LA.

Yeah.

Which

there's not an aquarium here.

Where is the aquarium?

There's not.

Where do they go?

They're in San Diego, I think.

Aquarium town, USA.

They're in another city for a lot of the episodes.

Well,

there's this movie where they watch this movie about fucking humpback whales and it's in 4D or whatever.

Oh, meaning the whales are spitting on you and stuff?

I think they do, like have spray.

But it looked so fun.

Like, I, first of all, I've never been to the San Diego Aquarium.

Yeah.

Um, I've been to precious few aquariums, and let's count the aquariums you've been to.

One,

which one?

Philly?

Uh, Houston.

Why would you, what, why in the hell would you go to the Houston Aquarium?

Because I was in Houston to do an extremely frustrating, disappointing stand-up gig,

and uh, it was a weekend, so I had time.

So, she went on someone else's stand-up myself and Lisa Delarios, who was uh performing with me, we went to the Houston Aquarium.

I went to an aquarium in Mexico City when I was shooting there, and I was bored.

And I just went there, and I was like, it was very much for little kids.

It was just kind of like,

but when does this come out?

In September.

Great.

Oh, of course it won't come out tomorrow.

I'm going to San Diego this weekend.

I don't feel like letting everyone know that.

Will you go to the aquarium?

I think I will because

let me know.

We're definitely going to go to the San Diego Zoo, which is

big.

I've been there once before, but it was like 12 years ago.

Is the safari thing still there?

Where you can hurt the animals?

Yeah.

Is it like a zoo where you ride a tram or something?

No, I think you ride your own car around, and animals are passing through.

Oh, I don't even know about that.

Wild Country Safari?

You know, I went to that.

I got to look up what all the things to do are.

I went to my son Damien, and it was a really terrible experience.

Yeah, you never talked about him.

Yeah, the monkeys were going crazy.

Yeah.

Did they take him?

No, they're just screaming and they're pounding on the car and everything.

And,

you know, we've had, it's been a weird time.

Like, we had a big party at our house.

You know, we were out in the lawn and everything was going great.

And then Damien's nanny

got everybody's attention.

I was at this party.

She was up on the like the second floor.

Yeah.

She's like, Damien, this is for you.

And we looked at him like, what's she doing?

And then she's like, what's she doing?

It was not good.

Yeah.

It was, it was crazy.

I mean, it kind of was a party foul.

It was a major party foul.

Here's what's weird: I want to know so badly what you're referencing, and yet I don't.

It's a first omen movie.

Oh, by the way, San Diego Zoo, Safari Park, in Escondido offers a similar experience with open-range habitats for large animals like giraffes, rhinos, antelopes.

Really?

Yes.

Where's that?

I'm going to say it again: San Diego Zoo, Safari Park in Escondido.

But San Diego Zoo in Escandido.

That sounds like it's another city.

Escondido is probably an adjoining part of San Diego County.

It's not Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, okay?

It's not hard to understand.

San Diego's Escondido.

Well, I'll look that up.

I have to make a list of some fun things.

I'm not going to look it up for you.

I'll make a list of some fun things to do, and I'll do them all.

How about that?

Thank you.

Legolas.

We're staying at an Airbnb that is walkable to the zoo, which I think should make that

enjoyable.

Noise.

They let you, by the way, if they let you ride any animal back to your Airbnb.

Okay.

Have you read the book Goodnight Gorilla?

I have.

They love to go in the house.

All those zoo animals going in the house.

Yeah.

What?

In the book Good Night Gorilla, which has very few words, but my kids love it.

I feel like we gave it away at this point, but it was one of my favorites to read.

Yeah.

Does it have more words than Goodnight Gorilla?

Not really.

Good night, Lion, Goodnight Giraffe.

But so the

gorilla is walking behind the zookeeper.

He steals his keys, and as the zookeeper says goodnight to each animal, the gorilla unlocks their doors

and lets them out.

And they all walk in in line back to the zookeeper's home and get in bed with his wife.

And they rail the shit out of her.

And he says, Well, that's what there's one page that's all black and her eyes are just open.

Who are you assuming?

So you know what's happening.

It's very funny.

I would always try to juzh it up a little bit, like doing sound effects, like

as they're following everyone.

I go, like, oh, what's he doing?

Oh, very, very badly.

When she turns the lights on and the monkey's sitting there, the gorilla's sitting there.

I go,

oh, good sound effects.

It's pretty good.

It's pretty good.

I try to do when they all say goodnight in the dark, I do goodnight, good night, good night, good night.

Yeah, I do.

Good night.

All the different voices.

Can you imagine if you're a child and your parent is not a performer, how much it would suck.

It would be so good.

Books would be boring as shit.

We got a library card for Emmy the other day.

Yeah, I went too.

So what?

Oh, my God.

So she said, said, I want to be like,

I want to be like Paul.

Oh, no, no.

I've actually been meaning to do this for four years.

I haven't done it yet.

Vote for president.

You know,

in a way, I was like, we have so many books at home.

No, but it's,

but it is more fun because one day we were looking for something to do.

I said, you know, we could go to the library.

It's good to be free too, and it's free.

It's a good activity.

It's very fun.

And what is interesting about it is we let her pick, you know, out of the sections for kids' books, whatever books she wants.

And then she becomes fascinated with these books for like that week where those are the books she wants to read.

And she gets to know these books really well.

And she likes, oh no, you forgot this part if I skip over something intentionally to get fucking through this.

You know what I skipped?

I will skip like the golden golden books now have one for every movie that ever existed for kids.

And she loves those, even though I have a huge collection of golden books from when I was a kid, which are all vintage and

weird.

She's all priceless.

She

isn't into all of those.

Sometimes Holly likes them, but for the most part, no.

But she likes the ones where it's like Spidey and his amazing friends.

And then I'm reading, and it's like the amount of text.

And so I'll just skim.

I start seeing, like, oh, they're watching a movie.

Oh, now here comes this bad guy.

And I just, I'm like, I can't read paragraph after paragraph.

Now, now Emmy will pick out a book and I'll have to flip through it and go, and if it's too long, I just go, this is too long.

Take it back.

Like the Disney ones in particular, there's a section for Disney books.

And in particular, it's some of those of like, oh, it's frozen.

Well, because they sum up the whole movie, but then they make it not interesting, unfortunately.

Yeah, exactly.

It's just like the bare bones, what happens.

Is there any crossover?

Like, does Spider-Man meet the pokey little puppy or any shit like that?

No, they really should do that.

Yeah.

They really should do that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I actually have a whole box of kids' books that'll occur.

There's The Milky Way.

There's Snickers.

I have crossover universities.

I don't think there's a Snickers universe.

Galaxy.

There's a hundred more books from my childhood that are in a box that I need to pull up and rotate.

Yeah, you got to rotate these.

Yeah, I have one that I really loved that I'm curious if it holds up.

And it was about this cat that steals a pack of markers from the store.

And then the guilt that it has.

The guilt.

Oh, the guilt.

Oh, my God.

They should write a children's book about a cat that steals markers and then never feels guilt.

And it's Socio cat.

Socio.

So

I read that book, which I'm sure I mentioned here,

Sociopath, which is about a, it's a

memoir

by

a female sociopath, because we don't hear enough about those.

We don't hear enough about them with their patients.

Tell me about natties.

We honestly think we just don't even really sort describe a lot of women as sociopaths, but we probably should do it more.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

And then when you miss a room.

Lauren, by the way, was not giving it

a patronizing laugh.

She was realizing she was a sociopath with that.

And that it's like, oh, I have to protect.

Oh, yeah, I don't feel anything for others.

I never thought about that.

Isn't it wild to think about that?

We have met sociopaths.

Yeah.

No, and I mean,

I was trying to think about women that are sociopaths.

You're trying to think about women.

I couldn't think of one.

I'm trying not to think about women for once.

I came, you know, it's hard.

I mean, there are some public figures you definitely can go like, well, that person probably is.

In your life,

it's much easier to find men.

But I think maybe women have different tells than men do.

I think that's what it is.

What are the tells that women have to.

I don't know.

I mean, this is just one woman's experience that I was reading, but I, and I don't know what her, she didn't say what she was like doing to trick people, you know, or whatever.

But I feel like she had the self-awareness to write a book about the fact that, oh, now I know I'm a socialist.

Well, you know what's interesting is that she came on a podcast that I'm interesting.

Yeah.

Well, if that was the end of the story, no.

And she brought

specific gifts.

Webster's dictionary defines sociopath as.

She brought specific gifts for the host.

If you've got a mental disorder, we'd like to have you on the show.

She brought specific gifts for the host that were to their tastes and interests, and they were both so delighted.

And I was like, that's part of it, babe.

That's part of it.

She's being a sociopath,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I was like, That's interesting, actually, because they didn't see that.

Maybe later they did, but I they didn't say anything about it.

And I just found that interesting because I was like, Maybe that's more, maybe that's a trait for sociopaths we don't typically think of, where it's like they actually are, they know exactly how to play you.

So, if anyone gives you a gift, they're a sociopath.

That's what I'm trying to say.

Yeah, yeah.

So, think about all the birthday presents you got from your parents.

Oh, no, two sociopaths that found each other And made you.

And they made you.

I am remembering.

Wait, what was that?

I can't think of what it was.

That was from

a theme song or something.

From the affair.

Thank you.

I used to get up and do a whole performance of that for my parents, and they loved it.

For your parents.

I don't know if we watched that together.

That was the final episode of The Affair.

I don't know why we were together, but my mom thought it was hilarious.

Trash.

Yeah.

Final episode where they're doing this.

The dance.

I don't remember that.

Oh, my God.

it's so funny i love that show i watched the first two seasons i think with janie and the first season blows your mind first season's great yeah and then it goes off the rails so hard that when i came back to seeing her watching it again i was like

what is happening right it's the future oh right the future i forgot oh i didn't like that yeah and then we saw the ending together of him on the cliffside the cemetery cliffside doing the dance

i don't remember the dance and I can't believe I don't remember the.

He's an old man makeup, flash mob, old man dance.

He's in old man makeup at a grave, and then he starts sitting.

I'm taught that I watched this.

And yeah, doing like a sort of Tevio.

You probably cried during it.

I probably did.

You probably did.

Sociopath.

I'm reminded of

one of two recurring nightmares that I had as a child.

Yeah.

One.

One was just your garden variety.

I'm lost in a store and I can't find my

store and I can't get up.

The other one,

I am turning the corner

into the hallway that leads down to my bedroom, which is at the very end of the hallway, door facing out on the hallway.

And stepping into the door frame,

is a fucking gorilla.

Good night, gorilla.

And then it sees me and it stops.

Oh.

Does this guy see me?

And he starts coming towards me.

And then I wake up.

Thank God you wake up.

Because if you didn't wake up in your dream, the gorilla would grab you.

Yeah.

And

have his way with you.

Let's be honest.

You don't think he's just going to whisper something in my ear like Bill Murray at the end of Lost in Translation?

No, I think he's.

He's not going to be like, gorilla.

I remember I had a nightmare as a kid.

I have two things.

One was a nightmare that I made up.

I remember telling my mom I had a nightmare about a witch, and it wasn't true.

Because you wanted sympathy.

I wanted attention.

Do you remember what it was?

That a witch was chasing me.

I remember saying it.

I remember where I was.

You know what?

Good one.

Yeah.

But then another one that I had that was, I had a night terror where apparently I was screaming bloody murder and saying they're in the walls.

Oh, and my whole family came to my room because I was going insane in the middle of the night.

But in my dream, I was laughing and thought I was in my dreams, I was saying they're in the walls, but it was funny.

And so I was having like a funny dream in my head and I was going insane outside.

That's wild.

Isn't that really crazy?

I don't understand that at all.

It was really crazy.

I was in the eighth grade.

Everyone ran into our room because they were like, you're in the eighth grade.

What's going on?

Screaming bloody murder.

You're in the walls.

Oh, come on.

And who was in the walls that you found so funny?

My friend's family.

I remember it all.

My friend's family.

They're a sociopath.

That's not signs of being a sociopath.

But you find it funny that your friend's family was trying to fight.

I was having a funny dream, and in real life, it was scary.

Wow.

Isn't that life?

Yes.

Did you ever have nightmares?

We're all just having a funny dream, but actually, it's scary.

Yeah.

I had a nightmare the other night.

Emmy was lost, and

I was like, oh, shit, how do I

cool up?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So, that's horrible.

It sucks when you have like a cheating dream, and then it's like you have all the logistics of that.

It's only in my dream.

And you're like, no, and you're like, I can't, oh, now I'm in trouble.

It's like, you have all these things.

And it's like, no, it's real.

I've had those.

It's just a dream.

I've murdered someone dream.

And you go like, well, now I'm a murderer for the rest of my life.

And I don't know how I can get through a single day without thinking about the fact that I've murdered this person.

Yeah.

I don't know if I've had a dream where I've killed someone.

Watch the light train out of their head.

Yeah, okay, socio.

I had that dream, but I didn't do it.

I just happen to be secret passive observer.

I don't think

light draining.

I don't think I've ever had a dream where I killed someone.

I've never had the dream where I've actually done it.

I've just suddenly

the knowledge of, oh, I'm a murderer.

I think I've had the dream where I have been

where people thought I had done something like that.

Fugitives.

And I had to, like, how can I tell people?

How can I make them understand?

He was a one-armed man.

Yeah, I think I just saw the fugitive.

I think that's what it was.

Oh, that's right.

That wasn't a dream.

I don't care.

I don't care.

Hey, guess what, asshole?

I don't care.

I don't care.

Would it have been better if he had said that?

Or worse?

Better like this?

Or better like this?

Here, I'm just giving you a watch.

Should I re-watch that movie?

Would that be

enjoyable?

I've watched it like twice

back when it came out.

And I thought it was like frustrating, frustratingly bad in parts of it, and then very watchable and good.

Okay.

In a lot of it.

So, probably like the firm, which I recently saw.

The firm.

Lauren is

on her phone.

I'm taking notes about the episode to get

we're gonna

take a break, but hopefully, this dog grooming place has written her back.

It's been a week.

I would love for this to be resolved before the episode.

Okay, we're gonna take a break and we're gonna wait for about three hours for them to respond.

And for you, it'll just be a few minutes.

You're gonna hear an ad.

Gorilla.

The origins of this podcast were once just just a dream.

Remember that day?

Yeah.

I had a weird stream last night.

What was it?

Wait for me.

Oh, I just took up you guys.

I had a nightmare.

Oh, no.

I didn't have ever started a podcast.

Oh, no.

Go back to sleep, honey.

That'll never happen.

That dream turned into the podcast and business you're listening to today.

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Lauren.

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Yeah.

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Hello, I am the monarch of money.

Oh, hello, sir.

I'd love to ask you some questions.

Oh, really?

Go ahead.

Okay, well, uh, keep in mind, I am the monarch of money.

I don't believe I'd be asking you these questions if I didn't know that.

So,

geez.

They proceed, peasant.

Um, how many financial accounts do you have?

I, I, I'm talking retirement funds, 401ks from old jobs, investment accounts, bank accounts, even property and equity holdings.

I, I, I, oh, not sure?

Well, guess what, monarch of money?

You're not the only one.

Everyone feels this way.

I'm not alone.

No, but that lack of awareness can be costly.

If you don't know where your money is, you can't be sure and make sure that it's working for you.

I mean, I have invested in moats and drawbridges.

Okay, that's not good enough, monarch of money.

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Thank you.

This is my gesture.

The only one who's allowed to say money things to my face.

And I'm not silly at all.

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Do either of you have personal experience?

Sure.

Well, I mean, let me tell you, working in entertainment, as I do, I have a lot of different sources of income.

I can't hold a single job for a long time.

That's show business, but it makes it hard for me to keep track of where my money is coming from and, more importantly, where all my money is going.

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I'm laughing already.

You're so funny.

I'm not funny.

That'll do, you fucking pig.

I wonder if I would re-watch that movie.

Charlotte's web.

Babe.

No, it's Babe.

Babe.

Oh, oops.

It's babe.

Whoa, every time I said that, I think it's Charlotte's web.

That'll do, pig, babe.

Oh, I can watch that with Holly.

And Babe, Pig in the City, remember, is crazy.

Isn't he just like a little talking pig?

Babe.

Babe.

I haven't seen it in so long.

First babe, very cute.

Very cute, but isn't she going to be eaten?

Yeah, something about ham.

Something about bacon.

Something about bacon.

But there's also something about.

La, la, la!

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was classic.

Yeah.

Holly, I don't think, has ever even eaten bacon.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Bacon is so good.

Look, I love bacon.

Do you make her a big plate of it every morning?

And she just says, no.

And I just go, well, as long as I wasted a pig.

Nine out of ten of my t-shirts are devoted to bacon.

Yeah,

and two mugs.

Have you seen that disgusting video where Ted Cruz

wraps bacon around the

nozzle of a rifle and cooks it as he's shooting things?

What?

Yeah.

It's like some kind of fucking machine gun.

It's some kind of, you know,

semi-automatic.

And supposedly, it cooks the bacon because the barrel

is so hot.

And he's just like, this is what a real man does.

He eats bacon.

Very sick.

How

I think, I think loving guns is a mental illness.

1,000%.

Yeah.

He is.

Ted Cruz is such a fucking dork.

I bet he doesn't even like guns.

He's just doing it because it's a

photo option.

Of course.

That's disgusting.

He's such a fucking dork.

I can't believe that even if you are

you absolutely hate the people that he espouses hate for that you are saying, I gotta vote for this guy.

I dare you to say this to his face, though.

Honestly, I think that I could.

Wouldn't if I think you could.

Wouldn't you think I would

if we were all allowed one minute to say whatever we wanted to do?

If you watched him and just said, You're a fucking dork, that's actually pretty solid.

You're a fucking dork.

It's a miracle that anyone votes for you.

No one likes you, even the people that vote for you don't like you, but it's a mirror, it's a miracle that they're able to swallow their own vomit.

It's getting harder to say to him.

In order to cast a ballot for you, if voting weren't anonymous, you absolutely would not hold public office.

I do like the Al Franken quote about him.

I like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz, and I hate Ted Cruz.

Um, it ain't uh

sorry, I'm sorry.

I feel bad that I make you self-conscious.

I hate to say it.

I hate to be conscious about myself.

I'd prefer to be conscious.

Isn't that the truth?

You know what I mean?

Yes.

I'd rather be blissfully ignorant of myself.

Thinking about other people.

Yes, and judging.

And executing.

Wickedly, wickedly.

The wickedly talented.

If you were allowed to kill one person, do you think you'd be able to?

I don't think I'd be able to.

I wouldn't kill you.

Do you think if you were having a moment like John Travolta where you couldn't see the teleprompter or you didn't know how to say the name you're going to say,

first of all, I would clear it before I went on stage.

Well, I definitely would try to do that too, but he had a brain fart and he didn't know.

I think I might try to, I might go, I, oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I, and I would just like run off, like as if something

else was going on.

I'd be like, oh, oh, I shit my pants.

Yeah, I shit my gown.

I shit my gown.

I would say.

Run off.

I would be like, please welcome the wickedly talented.

And I would start miming.

My mic's not on.

My mic's not on.

Pointing at it and going like, they can't hear.

Like call somebody in from the wings, like, what the fuck?

The wickedly down.

What the fuck is her name?

Lauren's miming, by the way.

I think you could hear that.

I tipped it up again.

The wickedly talented.

He would have gotten away with that.

I would say, here's what I would do.

The perfect crime.

The wickedly talented.

You all know who she is.

Let's say it together.

I think, like, I think for her.

i bet in the moment that felt bad because she's about to have her big moment but then later it's just funny what she's singing it's just good it's just gold they both have to think it's funny it's funny she i wonder if she thinks it's funny i bet they're friends

i think she had a hat that had it on it oh that's great yeah i think she's in i think she's down oh i would she's dtf i would love she's down to clown up

if somebody garbled my name that badly i would honestly love it forever but people garbl your name every day

when they're garbling it's the same garble

garbling balls

garbling balls

garbling balls work the chef garbled the balls work the chef garble the balls

What were we saying when we were doing Sylvester Sloan for 10 minutes?

Do you remember?

I don't know.

remember doing that.

It's a long time ago.

We were imitating it for like 10 minutes, just saying various ways.

Garble the balls.

That's not even.

Wow.

I don't know who that was.

I was trying to, I had somebody in my throat.

That was more of Bill Paxton.

Hey.

Work the shaft.

Play with the ball.

Now

I'm doing buddy.

Disgusting.

Have you ever presented at an award show or anything like that?

I have.

I

hosted, presented.

I don't remember how much I actually was.

I think I was hosting the Hair and Makeup Guild Awards one time with Timothy Albany.

Ghost Hair.

Ghost Doo.

Hair and Makeup Guild Award.

And it was fun.

I know Timothy Alma son.

I think he's very nice.

He's very sweet.

And

have I done that?

And you know what else?

He's wickedly talented.

Yeah.

He is.

I think that's maybe the only time.

Have you?

I hosted the local, not the local news, was it the local news Emmys?

I can't remember.

And I quickly found out that they were not interested in anything I had to say and any of my jokes and just wanted to know if they won awards.

Yeah.

What a fun award show.

You get one.

You get one.

You get one.

Then I.

If I read your name, come up and get one.

Presented at the Creative Arts Emmys with one of the Rizzolian Isles people, and she was very cool.

They were from the Rizzolian Isles.

I grew up in the Rizzolian Isles.

Oh, Rizzolian Isles.

No, it is Rizzolian Isles.

Oh, I grew up in the world.

And then I presented with Sarah Silverman at

the Sarah Silverman Awards?

No, what award show was that?

It was at the Beverly Hills thing, and I remember

I remember we had a really funny bit and got a lot of laughs.

And then the person who won,

we realized in the moment that he had fired us both from jobs.

And we had to

sit there smiling while listening to his speech.

And then he

corrected our joke.

Wow.

In his acceptance speech.

In his acceptance speech.

This was the guy who worked at, who managed Coldstone Creamery.

Yeah, of course.

I could never quite figure out how to pound that ice cream the right way.

Honestly, the second I hear that.

All you cared about was a song.

Yeah.

I think I got to have some right now.

Coldstone?

Yeah.

Do they still have them around?

Yeah, they do.

Really?

I think I've only ever been to one once.

Oh, I love it.

I get chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cups mashed in.

So if you've never been to a Coldstone creamery, what it is is you go to this place and they take it.

I don't know where it is.

I've only

chains of this.

If you've never been to a 7-Eleven.

Like even different styles.

You're equating

Coldstone fucking

7 guys.

And 11.

Always right next door to each other.

Remember there was Marble Slab?

That was another one.

No, I've never seen it.

This was a trend.

That's vaguely fucking.

Coldstone, Marble Slab.

These were different ones doing different things on the same surface.

There's no one who's never heard of cold stone.

I don't need to explain this.

You don't remember freezing plank?

Here, why don't you try to describe it if you think you do?

Try to describe it.

You would go into this place,

you'd hopefully have

money, American currency,

and you'd order ice cream and they'd say, Do you want some mix-ins?

And then they would scoop out the ice cream onto a big cold thing.

Marble slab, marble slab.

And then they would sickle like stone kneading the mix-ins into the ice cream.

They use a little flat sort of

metal tool that's kind of like what you would scrape off the ice so they can get all they get it all clean and just sort of marble slab and they mix it around and then flap it around.

And anytime I would go there, I'd be like, why do I have to wait fucking five minutes for this ice cream

so much faster?

And there's a giant line out the door and it's because it takes so long.

Why is it faster?

What's faster?

To just go to an ice cream store and they scoop it out without the.

But the toppings on top where they all fall off your cup?

No, thanks.

Tired of this.

What if I didn't get toppings?

I can't bills everywhere.

Yeah.

I want the toppings mixed in.

It's a big X.

And I want it today.

I want it in the ice cream already mixed.

I want it now.

I think I have to get my own marble slab.

That's the only solution.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What if your whole house is made out of a marble slab?

Or the black box.

Okay.

Okay.

Have you ever been to black box ice cream?

You hear secrets?

It's the safest ice cream.

It's protected.

It protects your ice cream like nobody's business.

Is a black box just recording?

Yeah.

That's all it is.

It's recording.

Yeah, yeah.

And it survives anything.

Yeah, that's why pilots, a lot of pilots will do their, like their song demos on there.

Yeah.

Why don't they do like, why don't they build a whole plane out of the black box?

Well, it looks like we are, we're no longer receiving instructions from the tower.

I got to ask, is that a thought you just had?

Yeah.

For real?

Yeah.

Is that a thought people say all the time?

That is the.

I'm sure I've heard it a hundred times.

It's the platonic ideal of the hack comedy joke.

Well, look, I came to it on my own.

So what does that say?

It itself has become a hack comedy joke.

So it's almost like I came up with it by myself.

It's almost like I made it up.

Yeah, sure.

No, I'm sure I've heard it a hundred times.

And it's just in my head.

Yeah.

I don't think I came in.

I just like Coldstone Creamery.

Sorry about that.

I wasn't getting all mad at me like the time that I thought I didn't really know about JFK's conspiracy theories.

Did you not know about JFK's conspiracy?

You taught me about it.

You taught me.

Or Watergate.

You didn't know what that was.

I only knew a little.

I don't really care.

Yeah.

Just get over it.

Just get over it.

I actually have a lot of intelligence in different areas.

Not to have any impact on the future whatsoever.

So, why do you need to know about Watergate?

I don't.

Who gave a shit?

Why do you know about this?

I saw the movie.

I saw the movie.

Proved to not be a problem.

Yep.

Yeah.

Dieck.

I saw the movie Dick.

Dieck.

Starring Dan Hediah as Richard Nixon.

I saw him in Adventures of Buckaroo Bonsai.

Oh, of course.

I was like, everyone in that is a few of them.

Was he John Big Boute?

He's not Big Boute.

That's Christopher Lloyd.

That's right.

And who is what is John Lithgow's character?

Dr.

Lizardo.

Was he the dad in Clueless?

Yes, he was.

Is it fun to watch that movie again?

It's great.

I think I remembered it being fun.

It was like really silly.

I liked it.

And all the production design is

it's cheaply made, but the production design is so fun.

It's top-notch.

Yeah.

Have you seen the video of Peter Weller talking about how his family calls him Squidward?

No.

Because of.

Is that a SpongeBob reference?

Yeah.

Because of his general demeanor.

They're like, this is you.

It's really, it's really funny.

To be dragged like that by one's own family.

Yeah.

Oh.

I don't know.

Do you know the Robo Wants Oreos story no

what's this robo wants oreos tell us tell us paul tell us paul

we want to hear the robo wants oreo story this is a guy who is like maybe a sound guy or something on robo cop

and

he's like micing uh you know peter well is in the robo cop costume yeah and so he's getting uh he's getting mic's um why didn't they build the mic into the robo cop costume That's a good question.

That's a good question.

Maybe they did.

Maybe they did.

But can you imagine trying to smooth down the RoboCop costume so that you can't see the wires and the bumps?

So he is,

you know, he's getting wired and he sees that the sound guy has like a stack of Oreos next to him, like on the card or whatever.

And

he just says, Robo wants Oreos.

Yeah.

And the sound guy goes, no, I'm not going to give you any of my Oreos.

What?

And he's like, Robo wants Oreos.

He's like, I'm not going to do it.

I can't.

I don't understand

this sound guy's point of view.

He turns, because I think they're fucking

whatever.

Okay.

So Peter Weller like turns to the, he's like on some balcony or something and like turns to the entire set and just screams, Robo wants Oreos.

He would not proceed until he was getting Oreos.

I could really go for like a cookies and cream on a marble slab with Oreos mixed in.

Hey, Lorna, I have to say.

I love cookies and cream.

I wish I liked it.

What?

Dick.

I have to say we got some.

Gargle and Google.

Garble?

Garble?

I want you to gargle.

Google.

I want you to garble my ball.

Goggle.

Goggle, Google, goggle.

And gobble.

What did you get?

We got some vanilla ice cream because Emmy loves vanilla ice cream, but then she wants

like three chocolate chips and some sprinkles on it.

Okay, but then we had some Oreos and I crushed some Oreos over the ice cream.

And I have to say, if there was a Coldstone creamery kind of situation where I could have mixed it in better because it was all on the top.

Yeah.

This is what I'm talking about, but you know what I'm getting excited about right now?

Yeah.

Buying cartons of ice cream and all kinds of mixins.

Because normally what I buy is

I typically buy good pop brand ice cream bars and sandwiches and popsicles.

They're all very good and they're low calorie.

Mixins, fixins, treats and tricksins.

Who will come and play with me?

Oh no, we unlocked the doll.

Regardless, I could use a little crazy

doll.

I found the clip.

I found the clip.

Of what?

Of the story.

I found the clip of the story.

Dean, dean, dean.

Pennsylvania shooting the steel mill.

Peter's upstairs.

We're up two or three floors.

You had to go upstairs to get to him.

We had an explosion behind him.

We make the explosion hot.

We're ready to go.

I went upstairs and I was carrying, I don't know, about eight Oreos.

I don't know.

I'd hand him his weapon.

I'd say, Peter, safety's off.

And he wouldn't take the pistol.

And he says, Robo wants an Oreo.

And I looked at him.

I go, no, it's just you and I, Peter.

Robo doesn't get an Oreo.

Peter wants an Oreo.

Peter can have an Oreo.

He clip-clops in the suit over to the edge of the railing and Peter starts bellowing, Robo wants an Oreo.

And like the steel mill just echoes, Randy has Oreos or Robo, what's an Oreos?

And Steve Lim over the radio goes, Randy, do you have Oreos?

So I stuffed that whole stack in my mouth and then crunched them and let them fall down three stories onto everybody below me.

Not anymore.

And

Robo got upset.

I haven't got a damn clue about Randy Moore and his fucking Oreos.

Randy Moore is a friend, but half the time, I don't know what the hell he's talking about.

So he's got all these stories of the mobile cop.

I don't remember him.

Steve Lim's going, can we get the shot?

And then Robo can have an Oreo.

And Peter said no.

So they had to cut.

They were rolling.

They're ready to go.

Now we're hot on the explosion.

They send a PA up the stairs.

They feed him an Oreo.

And now he's got Oreo in his teeth.

So then the PA has to pick the Oreos out of his teeth.

And then he says, okay, I'm ready.

And then we shot him

is this part of robo doc peter would i don't know man

so i had a gentleman that worked with me and his official title i didn't realize it was still going on

that's what the crew called him as the peter feeder because for some reason weapons had to feed peter oreos

randy

love you madly i don't believe one Fucking word out of your mouth.

Okay, well, I love these guys.

If If he is making all of this up, I love it either way.

Either way, either way.

And if he's not, I love Peter Weller's rejoinder.

Absolutely.

None of it ever happened.

And now we're going to hear the governor of Alabama burping during a live preference.

Okay.

Getting good state.

We're getting a swap.

Oh my gosh.

Oh, my God.

The most violent burp.

And he's a little old lady.

That was a woman.

Yeah.

What?

The number of doses that we'll be getting could stay.

We're getting a slight.

Oh, wait a minute.

No, wait a minute.

Was that like that mummy thing?

Yeah, exactly.

We got mummy.

I'm going to check out the.

We got mummy.

We got mummy, Jerry.

People aren't saying it's fake.

They mummied us.

Someone said she's so real for that.

It's like, that's not really.

She's so real.

She's so real for that.

Yeah.

She's on purpose.

Like, what the hell?

I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna belch as loud as I can.

Um, she's so real for that.

She's so real for that, but we're real because we have to take a break.

Yeah,

get ready to embark on an unforgettable journey where the worlds of fantasy, sci-fi, gaming, and more come to life like never before.

Okay, I'm ready.

You said to get ready.

I packed everything.

Oh, you are ready?

Yeah, I'm ready now.

Okay, you want to be?

What are you talking about?

Yeah, what are you talking about, though?

Because I'm ready now.

All right, you figured it out.

That's right.

I'm talking about Comic-Con the Cruise.

Oh, Comic-Con the Cruise?

What?

This is more than a convention, folks.

You'll get to meet and interact with fan-favorite celebrities, enjoy intimate experiences you won't find anywhere else, and skip the endless lines found at other land-based events.

Okay, let me guess.

This happens from January 30th to February 3rd, 2026.

And you're sailing from Tampa to Nassau on the celebrity constellation.

You're a great guest.

This four-day luxury cruise fuses your favorite parts of the Comic-Con community with unique, interactive, and immersive experiences designed exclusively for fans like you.

Four days at sea, where everyone is welcome, and every event is open to all.

It's the ultimate fan adventure.

I remember hearing about this.

There's going to be epic theme nights.

There's going to be cosplay, panels, workshops, and late-night conversations and parties.

This is everything I go to Comic-Con in San Diego for.

So it's a floating community

where you can truly be yourself.

Food, accommodation, and entertainment are included.

The only thing you have to do is show up, have fun, and connect with your kind of people.

Learn more and see the full 2026 lineup, including host Felicia Day and a slew of talents celebrating fantasy, sci-fi gaming, and more.

Head over to comic-conthecruise.com/slash threedom to book your cabin and use threedom.

This is the code.

You'll get $250 off per cabin on new reservations.

This is incredible.

That's a good deal.

See you there.

Ahoy.

Cooler temps are rolling in.

Dude, dooda.

And as always, Quince is where I'm turning for fall staples that actually last from cashmere to denim to boots.

I've seen you so furious.

I'm mad, but I'm getting happier.

The quality holds up, and the price still blows me away.

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.

Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at $60.

I got to ask you about their denim.

Okay, well, their denim's durable and it fits right.

What about leather jackets?

They are real and they bring that clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

Sounds good.

What makes Quince different?

Hey, everyone.

Oh, hey, well, they partner directly with ethical factories and skip the middlemen.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

Can I hear some personal experience from you?

Because I'm still a little skeptical for some reason.

Well, one of my favorite pieces from Quince is their 100% Merino Wool All-Season Short-Sleeve T.

Now, I've been trying to incorporate more natural fibers into my wardrobe, as I'm telling you all the time, and wool totally fits the bill.

It's naturally heat-regulating, so it helps keep you warm in winter, cool in summer.

The perfect thing for this in-between season.

Now, I've been wearing mine so much, I just ordered one in another color.

I want to keep it classic and cool this fall.

Do you have any suggestions?

You should do that with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash threedom for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

No, that's great.

How do you spell it?

365-day returns is amazing because if you're like me, sometimes you forget to return something.

Yes, and then you miss the window.

Like 200 days in, you might be like, I got to return.

Honestly, I've done that before.

That's q-u-in-ce-e.com/slash threedom.

Free shipping and 365 days returns.

Quince.com/slash threedom.

We are so back.

Garble the balls.

And

garble the balls.

And we're going to

do.

This is, I coined this term.

Oh.

Interesting.

It's a feature that we play on Threedom, so I thought it would be funny to call it a Threecher.

Okay.

So we're going to play our first Threecher that we've ever done.

Now you.

You feel like you've coined this term.

It's a new term I've just coined seconds ago.

Is it also, or could it also be known as a buster?

Oh,

that's interesting.

Yeah, I can see that.

Italiano se

un

bustero.

CCC.

Davero.

Davero, claro.

Claro que si.

I know that's Spanish, but I'm allowed.

Okay, we're going to play press conference.

Now, I hear you out there.

You're like, what is cold stone creamery?

We've never even been to one.

That's in the past.

Let me tell you about press conference.

Press conference is one person plays an unknown.

Well, two of us decide

a celebrity, and the third person is going to be playing that celebrity, giving a press conference, and the other two will be reporters asking questions.

And the person has to figure out what celebrity they are, who they are.

To be more specific, We're going to play.

Paul, you're going to be the celebrity.

Lauren, you text me a celebrity's name immediately.

Wait, is it a celebrity?

And then what the, like, they have a scandal?

We can do that.

Yeah, scandal.

So, what

do you say?

I'm the celebrity the scandal.

Yeah.

I'll text you the scandal.

You text me the celebrity.

How's that sound?

I'm texting.

Wait, what?

You're texting me.

The celebrity, and I'm texting you the scandal.

That's perfect.

All right.

I apologize for that moment of silence.

Respectful silence.

But we did that to honor someone who passed away recently, Paul.

Yeah.

You know, this was a.

Well, hold on.

Wait.

I haven't named this because now you just did something that it's a picture I saw on Instagram.

Jack Nicholson has passed away at the age of 120.

Oh,

both his hands have turned into hot dogs.

And that may be what killed him.

I can't imagine.

That one's good.

Oh, I used to love his stuff.

Okay.

Thank you all for coming here today.

Do your voice.

I don't want.

I'm not here to do that.

I understand that.

We love when you do it.

I know, of course, and everybody does my voice all the time.

It happens.

Yeah, it's so unique.

It's a famous thing.

Yeah.

And probably,

you know, when you see SNL, like there's somebody that does,

I mean, maybe back in the day.

Once.

definitely.

They used to, but it still happens.

No, like, no, it's more like SNL 50, sure.

But you want me to do the voice now?

Yeah, well, improvisers love it.

Improvisors do love it.

And your voice is something

so different than

when we're used to hearing it.

Yes.

And there's something because it's so, you're used to it being higher pitched.

Yeah, of course.

Right.

And more feminine?

No.

More masculine?

Well, I wouldn't say that either.

No, No, just is what it is.

Yeah, so my voice is usually.

Definitely from a different part of the country as well.

Right.

I have an accent.

I'm not going to lie about that.

I actually don't know where you're from.

I do.

Okay.

So

you wouldn't think I was from the South.

I would.

I guess I would if someone told me, but it wouldn't have been what I was thinking.

Right.

So I have a high-pitched, more high-pitched voice.

Would you say my voice is high-pitched or just higher than this?

Bless you.

It was a costume.

I would say it is.

Well, I'm glad you did it right in the microphone yeah thanks the next show will love that i did it into my hand

and then wiped it on the microphone yeah and then spit on the phone i'm sorry i need to talk to my colleague over here stop coughing into my microphone no

all right

um that was a good i mean high-pitched in a way but like grating and no that's i wouldn't even say high-pitched i would okay fine Do you want to?

I would say nasal.

Yeah.

Sure, but not deep like he's speaking right now.

Yeah, no, I don't like how you're speaking right now.

Yeah, we don't like it.

Stop speaking that way.

Because I normally

stage right now like I normally am.

Yes.

That's a good point.

So this is my more, this is me at home, you know?

Okay, I just wouldn't have expected it.

But

you're saying, and also when you see me in movies.

No, I don't think you've ever been in a single movie.

Oh,

I'm thinking of home movies.

I'm sorry.

Oh, okay.

The Brendan Smalls show.

No, I've never been asked to do that show.

I was a big fan.

Yeah, it's great.

And I'm still alive.

Yeah.

Of course, you are.

Yeah.

Like I said, you were just on SNL 500.

Oh, yeah.

You were on SNL 50.

I was just on SNL 50, and I have a, I do

the sister show, not the actual,

not the actual SNL 50.

Well, it's the music show.

Yes.

Yeah, because I'm a musician.

Yes, of course.

And

I,

and when I sing,

it is sort of

okay, you're singing, yeah.

I mean,

to the best of your ability.

You don't think I'm a singer?

You have a unique, you are a singer.

I don't have a unique way of doing it.

You don't carry a tune necessarily as much as you're definitely using your voice on songs.

Yes, because my voice is my instrument.

I am Fred Schneider.

Of course.

And what I'm doing, if you have to ask,

is what are you here to talk about?

Because I'm singing.

Well,

I know you've heard some things about me, some thing in particular.

I've heard recordings of it.

Yeah.

So you've heard that I have a sex tape.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And in the sex tape, I am having sex with a gorilla.

No.

No.

Okay, you are?

Admitting things that we didn't know about.

Okay.

Because just

an audio.

What did you do to it?

Because we heard what happened.

We didn't know if it was a gorilla or a human being.

Just admit it.

I knew what was happening.

I will admit that I told this gorilla, which is a revelation to you all,

to

play with the shaft and garble the ball.

Really well done.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I fought you on high pitched left and then

I know what you mean, though.

Is it because at high pitch, I'm like, hee hee hee, hee hee.

Hee hee.

Okay, my turn.

Okay, your turn, and I'm going to text the celebrity to Paul, and Paul is going to text text me

the scandal.

Oh, thanks for finally responding to my previous text with just you questioning it.

I asked the question.

A completely straightforward,

straightforward question that I responded to with a question mark.

Like, when am I going to do this?

What could this mean?

Yeah.

I almost put in someone that I don't think Lauren is incredibly familiar with.

Let me try to

make it fake.

I draw down my references

a little bit.

Let's see.

Ava Gardner.

No.

Ava Gardner.

Frank Sinatra was married to her.

All right.

all right.

I mean, I'm looking at this text window like my, I'm waiting for my crush.

You could always text me, you know.

I want to know who the celebrity is first.

I see, honey.

Go ahead.

Respond to me now.

If you dare.

If you have the wherewithal, if you have the balls to garble.

To respond to a text such as this one, I'm getting three dots,

which tells me, it informs me that Paul is responding and he's typing away

with his as fast as his little thumbs will take him.

But unfortunately, those thumbs are not fast enough because I'm forced to fill time while Paul texts and Lauren is doing what now.

I wonder?

I'm dealing with something, but it doesn't matter.

What are you dealing with?

I'd love to fill time, but I'm dealing with scheduling a fitting phone

for my job.

Okay.

All right, we are ready.

Hi, excuse me.

We have questions for you.

Yes, yes, I know.

I know, I know.

I know why you're all here.

Do you?

I know why you're all here.

Obviously, I called this press conference myself because

I wanted to just get into it as the woman that I am.

We know.

Well, that was one movie.

Yeah.

And you were pretending.

And by the way, we know it's 3 p.m.

and you have someplace to be.

I don't get that.

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

No, I get it.

Yeah.

Okay.

We know every day you do this thing at 3 p.m.

We're kidding.

That's one of the famous

joking around.

Yeah.

I'm when I starred in

The Danish Woman.

What?

What?

Is that an unreleased film?

Yes, an unreleased film.

Who do you think you are?

A red mane?

The Danish girl, by the way?

Yeah.

Let's age her down a little bit to fit in in Hollywood.

I'm a man who's an actor.

Correct.

Yes, of course.

I

have done lots of dramatic films.

Sure.

Yeah.

And a couple comedic films.

Sure.

Yeah.

Why wouldn't you have?

I even released a song.

I don't

know.

Privately.

Privately.

Privately.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

All right.

Well, thank you for telling me.

Friends and family?

Or

kind of just within my family?

More of my

internet community.

I'm a little anonymous on there.

Interesting.

What's your username?

Buttsnatch 22.

Makes sense.

Were 21 other butt snatches?

Yeah, I kept going butt snatch one, butt snatch two, take it, butt snatch three, take it, butt snatch four, take it.

I played a woman in one movie.

Kind of.

Kind of.

I mean,

yeah, not, yeah, not, you didn't play a woman.

You played a person pretending to be a woman.

Right.

Okay.

The reason I called you here, obviously, and I.

I'm glad, by the way, you're enunciating, not like that one film.

Thank you, Mark.

I do not think that's a good clue.

Well, the character's name.

Yeah, I don't think it's a good clue.

You knew what I was saying.

Yeah.

I'm the same age as you.

I bet that this person has seen it.

I mean, you actually seen it.

So, yeah, of course you've seen it.

Unless you're like SJP, you don't watch and look shit like that.

My name is Eddie Murphy.

What?

Are you kidding?

What are you trying to do?

Wait, I haven't seen it.

What do you start dramatic movies?

Yes, these are dream girls.

You're You're nominated for movies.

Some dramatic movies, but more comedy.

I was saying I've done more dramatic and some comedic.

Yes.

That's what we said.

By the way, you played Norbit if you were Eddie Murphy, and that's more than one woman, and that was an actual one.

I'm not Eddie Murphy.

I was just doing a joke.

Okay, it's funny.

Hey, so I garbled the balls, obviously.

That's why you're all here.

Of course.

But that's not why we're here.

We know you did that.

Yeah, that's separate.

I pushed someone down the stairs.

No, my God, did you?

No, I'm just kidding.

You fell down the stairs in that one movie.

You fell down the stairs.

It looked really bad in that one movie, and it actually ended up killing you in that movie.

Another clue.

I don't know if it's going to help you.

I'm a white man.

Sure, you are.

I think

weird declaration, but yes.

Hey, sir, in this climate, I guess that's something to say.

I'm 60 plus.

Of course, you are.

You absolutely are.

Yeah.

And congratulations on hanging out.

I'm 70 plus.

yes, yeah, yeah, I'm 80 plus.

Well,

or that was an AI image.

No, that's not.

I know who you're talking about.

You're not that person.

No, but I just knew there was an AI image of me being older.

No, I will say you're exactly the age of that person you're talking about.

I'm 88.

Yeah.

That's as many miles per hour as you had to go back to the future in order to travel through time.

I'm Chris.

You were not in that movie, by the way.

I apologize for my colleague.

I'm

I'm Michael Douglas.

No, you're not.

What are you doing?

We didn't say that you got cancer.

Fucking weirdo.

I'm

you may have, but we didn't say that.

What do you want to know about me?

Why did you do what you did?

Why did you do it?

Because I wanted to.

You took a nice thing and you made it so gross.

I love this chain that everyone's heard about.

And you made a mockery of it.

I made cold, I made, I fucked in a cold stone slab.

You did that too?

I garbled balls on a cold stone slab.

I mean, we didn't know you were there, but I sat on a cold stone slab.

Yeah,

that could be how it happens.

If you sit down to do what I took a piss on it, yes.

I mean, in a way,

I came on it.

No, I mean, we're talking about piss.

Look,

people go into cold stone cream.

I made a mix-in with my piss.

Yes.

A mix-in with your piss-in.

I had hot lemon ice cream.

Is that what you called it?

That's gross.

You have a term for it.

Jesus.

I'm sorry I did that.

Oh, no, no, no.

Okay.

But say, like, own it.

And say who you are.

Fill your name.

I want your Oscar revoked for doing this.

I,

who am I?

Very deep.

Oh, the star of Congo doesn't know who they are.

Oh, wait, no, it's not Congo.

Outbreak.

I still don't know who I am.

Sphere.

I still don't know who I am.

Keep naming movies I was in.

Keep naming my movies, I saw.

Of course, you played mumbles in Dick Tracy.

Keep talking.

My name is...

You made Robert Evans so mad when you made fun of him in that movie.

Swag the dog.

Keep saying.

And of course you're a man.

Harvey Keitel.

Of course you're a man because it's even in your name.

You're going to try to blame this on Harvey Keitel.

We all know who you are.

Man.

Man is part of my last name.

Look.

So is a term for stuff you sweep away on the floor.

Brush man.

Look, we know it's 3 p.m.

and

you have to go watch Judge Wopner.

Crumbs man.

You not listening to me.

That guy.

We know you have to definitely watch Justin Manny.

Definitely Waffner because I definitely would do that.

My name, of course, is, hold on.

Dustin Hoffman.

Yes.

And not a Juan Haustin Dustman.

You're not Huffman.

My name is Dustin Hoffman, and I made a hot lemon mixing at

Creamer.

That's all we wanted to hear.

Thank you so much.

Sorry, I couldn't just say it.

Great press conference.

Yeah, I got to go.

Wow.

Hey, do you want to hang out?

Yeah, sure.

This was a waste of my time as a reporter.

Well, guys, we're out of time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anything you want to plug?

I would just like to say Varietopia going back out on the road next month.

Yeah.

We're going to be in Charleston, South Carolina, Louisville, Kentucky,

Overland Park, Kansas, St.

Louis, Louis, Missouri.

Come on out and see us.

I love this show.

It's been so much fun doing this.

What a fun year of touring.

And we're closing it out with these shows.

Please come see us.

Variatopia.com slash ticks.

We're begging you.

Why do we have to beg you to do this?

I don't know.

Wait, you're begging them to do that?

I'm begging them, yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Appreciate that.

Yeah.

We're co-begging.

I'm not going to plug anything.

Okay.

You're a fool.

I guess I don't want to plug anything either.

Come on.

All right.

There's comedy bang-bang action figures.

There you go.

The entree pure and

Italiano Jones ones just came out.

Yes, they are something else.

Yeah.

Get them.

All right.

We'll see you next week.

We love you.

Bye.

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