Threevisiting: Roid Rage

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Hey, everybody, I'm Mandy Potenkin. And I'm Catherine Grody.
And we have a new podcast. It's called Don't Listen to Us.
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Murder!

She's murder?

Did you hear that?

I said freedom. Did you say murder? Freedom.
I think somebody said murder.

Oh my God, did you hear that? What? I heard somebody screaming for help.

I'm dead. Oh my god, somebody laughed maniacally.
And someone said I'm dead. And someone said call 911.

Interesting. All the clues are there.
Mr. Police, Mr.
Police, turn the lights on, Matt. We're going to solve this murder.
Hi, everyone. Welcome to Freedom.
They turn the lights on. Turn the lights on.

When the lights go out.

They were all very casual about the lights not being on. Oh, I turned the lights.
By the way, someone turned those lights on.

We're going to do an episode. I've really been enjoying this.
I don't know why you turned the lights off, but that was weird timing.

i love the part in

uh uh what

why am i blanking you on the name jungle cruise albert brooks's first film real life

yeah so nervous where the guy giving the the the uh he's in someone's house and he's giving a presentation and he goes lights and albert brooks he's in albert brooks's house and he goes you could just ask me to turn off the light like you can't just say lights there's not a guy on the lights just ask me to turn off the lights i think i want to have an albert brooks marathon someday yeah

Like make him run a marathon. I'll watch one of them.
Yeah, I'll just

watch one. Hey, Fatty.
And call it. Burn around.

Yeah, that's what you would do.

Oh,

Scott. That is

damn it's head. You've been dragged to filth.
Can I just say we received Christmas cards from 2021?

We just opened mail

today

that we got. There's so much mail here.
And thank you so much to everyone who sent us stuff. Yes.

There were Christmas cards from last year. That's how long it's been since we've been here.
That were expired. Can you imagine? We ate them all.
These MNS. My diarrhea.
I feel bad. My diarrhea.

Diarrhea hurts.

Not my anus, my diarrhea. My anus.

My anus hurts. Joke say your anus hurts.
My anus hurts because of the diarrhea flowing through it. Actually, burning through it.
Speaking of embarrassing things, as we were here last week.

Yeah, did you think of a new one?

I'm embarrassed to tell you I'm currently having active diarrhea.

I can't go to the pool.

When I was, again, when I was in my

early 20s, it might have been 19, something like that,

living downtown. I had a purple heart.

How could you see it?

I subscribed to a service that would take pictures of my heart instead of doing it.

And this is pre-Instagram where, you know, pre-selfies. What was fun was I never knew when the picture was being taken.
They should make x-ray selfies. They should.
They should. Who wouldn't?

Your phone should be able to take an x-ray of you so you don't have to go down

into the office.

It should give you more cancer than it already does. Yes.

So I woke up one day in my squalid little apartment and I got myself a gun.

And

I had an excruciating pain in my rectum. Oh, no.
And I was like, oh, that's going on. It's excruciating like you couldn't stand.

Po, that's why you get fucked.

i couldn't do anything it was

it was it was very scary sex machine fucks you in yes and i like felt around there and i was like paul do you have a sex machine i am a sex machine

when you are one i wish you guys would read my t-shirts uh-huh oh i see that now i make thank you i make them myself i'm like you know i started doing before judah freelander was making those hats wow he made them um does he still make them

he must still

he must still i didn't realize he made them i thought he just had them no he made them there was a it

house.

It was a running joke with me and a friend of mine. Which came first? Whenever his name came up.

He had them in his stand-up, I believe. Of course, now it's part of his hat.
So they've always been a part of him.

And it was always mentioned anytime anyone talked about him that he made the hats himself.

And so it was a running joke with me and a friend of mine. Anytime his name came up, say, you know, he makes his own hats.

Do you think he has enough money where he can pay someone to make the hats? Oh, he loves doing it. But I want to make his hats.
Thank you. For a nominal fee.
How much do you want?

You want to be like his apprentice? Yeah.

Until you can make your own ass. You want to make a reality show called The Apprentice where you make Jonathan.

They're not doing The Apprentice anymore, so why not? It's right there. This is the title.
They're not doing this. The title is right there.
It is done. If you have...

What if it went all the way... Paul pushed the mic away from his.
And it hit me. It went all the way around.
Hit me in the head. It hit both of us in the head.

I wouldn't.

You know what I didn't get? And I'm sad. I didn't get a McDonald's Happy Meal Halloween bucket.

What are those? They brought back the nostalgic buckets from my childhood. What are those?

They're Happy Meal buckets.

What are those? Fuck you.

It's not Happy Meals Kill Meal. A couple Trick-or-Treaters this year had them.
Yeah. And they're pretty small.
Well, I don't need it to be big, sweetie. It's just.

Were they small compared to the Trick-or-Treater? Decoration for Under the Halloween tree. Okay, honey.
That's fine for you. I'm going to separate these two.
Okay. Oh!

My back hair.

Any interest in me continuing my story? Yes.

So I thought,

oh, no, my rectum is like distended or something.

I thought this was the Halloween meeting. I thought that you were talking about your burning rectum.
Because I thought you were still talking about the kids who showed up with the Halloween meat.

No, that's that's the that's done. That's I know, but I just was like, how does this work his asshole hurt? I thought, oh no, my rectum.
But don't let us get off topic. It was not that long ago.

I know, but it's still through. So, of course, what I did first was call my mommy mommy

and say, mommy, what do you do? I'm scared.

I think she hurts. I think my rectum is distended.
She was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I'm going to send your father down to take you to the hospital. Down where? Where were you?

I was living downtown at the time. I think my rectum is distended.
Yes. Very good.
Okay. Thank you.
Do you understand

those two words? So, do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? Do you understand the pain that's coming out of my butt?

So my dad shows up, takes me to the hospital. Did he look at it or were you like, this is a problem? I didn't look at at? Why wouldn't you look at it? Dave, assess the situation.

You're already calling mom and dad. What if, like,

he came over and said, all right, let me get it. Let me see.
You pulled down your pants, you just farted in his face. And you're like, gotcha.

Got you to drive 30 minutes. We're just farting in the face.
Would have been a pretty good prank. Would have been a pretty good prank.
Solid. So I go to the hospital.

I go, you know, to the emergency room, and I'm taken to a little

bit. What is going to happen? Do you spoil a toy car?

Don't spoil it. Okay.

So So the doctor says,

okay, I have to ask you some questions. I don't know if you want your father to be present.
And I said, no, anything you can say to me, you can say I said, yeah, that's fine.

And my dad was like, well, I'll wait outside. So my dad was afraid to find out I was gay.

So the doctor asked me,

did you put anything in there? Do you have anal sex? You know, all this stuff. And I'm like, no, no, no, no.
Do you want to? Right now.

That was later. I found his card up there.
So

he examines me, and it turned out I had hemorrhoids. Oh, chibo, chiba, chibu.

Horrible. Yeah.
But a relief that I did not have some weird cancer. You just had to put a little creme.
I had to put a little creme. So fresh.

I go back and I ask my roommate, hey, will you go fill this prescription for me? Shove it up my ass. Get me this stuff.

You said this to your daddy. Just roommates.
No, I said it to my roommate. Can you fill this? Can you get this stuff right?

Why you didn't want to do it? I could barely. I fucking.
Oh, you couldn't walk. Oh, sorry.

They didn't just go away after the doctor said. I thought maybe, like,

no, it was good. It must have made him feel better.
It was bad. It was really bad.
It was really bad. It was bad.
So, my roommate

goes and gets the stuff. You had Roid Rage.
I had.

Sorry, I flipped you off. I have Roid Rage.

You are steroids? Uh-uh.

Guess again, motherfucker. So I had to get, it was a prescription for suppositories

and like preparation H or whatever. And so he came back, and the suppositories were called anusol.
Yeah. And when he came back, he tossed it to me and said, there you go.
There's your anisol.

And I was like, it's anusol.

It may as well be. Let me have a limit.
Well, of course that's what it is. Of course that's what it is.
Yeah.

But I've seen the commercials.

Co-pronounce it. Anusol.
Anusol.

Anusole. Like Uranus.
Anushole. It's anusol.
It's anus hole.

And then. So which part was embarrassing? Yeah.

Tell you.

And then during this?

So you wanted to have an embarrassing moment now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I can tell you later.

See if you recognize yourself in the story.

I was talking to these two asshole friends of mine.

He made me feel like shit. He kept interrupting my story.

One guy thought I told Trick-or-Treaters that my rectum was going to spin.

Why is the table shit? I don't know. Oh, Scott's leg is leaning against it, and he's shaking with laughter like Santa Claus himself.
Both of them and Jelly and whatnot.

Things of this nature. Good old Santa Claus.
He's...

Good old Santa Claus. He's coming soon.
Still doing it. He's headed around the corner.
He's coming soon. Do you think Emerald's on the nice list? Emerald? Well,

bam. Do you think Emerald is on the nice list? I can't tell you how many times this has happened where someone goes, what is her name? And I say Emerald.
And I think Emerald's Emerald.

No, Emerald is such a good name. Okay.
I love it. When I first saw it.
So is Emerald. Okay, but it's not to be confused with.

But when I first saw it on the invitation to the baby shower, I was like so excited. I love the name.
I was hype. I was hype.
I was lit. I was litty.

Do you wish Gordy was your name? I don't, because I don't think it would go well with my last name. Although it would go, go to Castle.
Woodgo-Go, Woodgo, Go, Go! Emerald Castle?

I'd be like, I'm a sensitive guy.

It's too bad.

What if his name was

City?

Mike City. Emerald City? That'd That'd be cool.
That'd be cool, right? His name was City. It would be cool.
What if Castle is a cool name? What is my castle? I love that. I love the name.

What are the big precious gem names? We got Ruby. We got Emerald.
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. Soho.
Oh,

opal is one. Pearl is one.
Diamond. And silver.
Sapphire. Yeah.

Sapphire. And based on novel push.

Buy your hemorrhoid.

Push.

I feel like every

gem is basically.

Yeah, what are other gems? That's not one. Topaz.
Topaz.

What's that one? Amber. Amber.
Amber is more of an amiable gem in many ways. It's an alert.
Yeah. Yeah.
Did you guys get the flash flood alert? I did. Yes.
It was fun. And it was.
The rain was wild.

No, it was incorrect. They did not mean to stop.
Oh, really? But the rain was going, coming down in sheets when I got that. Yes, but it said do not travel anywhere.
It was like people in LA.

It was was like flash flood warning.

Do not get out of your cars, do not travel anywhere. And I was looking at this going, you're telling LA not to.

I mean, you're telling LA. All of Los Angeles is just supposed to like pull over or whatever.
And it was only meant for like a little tiny pocket elsewhere, not L.A.

And I was like, are they trying to suppress the vote? Because it happened on voting day. Oh.

It made me think that Rick Caruso had his hand on the levers of politics itself. Well, as it was happening, it was storming, and we decided to have a little movie time with Holly.

We put on Oliver and Company, which is a cute movie from the 80s. With Billy Joel songs.
And Billy Joel's voice.

And Billy Joel's butt. He's got a dog butt in real life, famously.

It was really cute. Truly liked it.

What kind of dog is? Is he Oliver in the movie? No, Oliver's a Cat played by Joe Lawrence. Wow, I did not see that company.

I really assumed it was a dog. The premise is that there's this little cat in a litter, and he falls into a pack of dogs in the city.
This is the company. Yeah.
And then to get rid of the little girl.

It's like Professor and Mary Ann, you know, just being the rest.

Every dog is company.

He just puts the cat in, and then he gets stolen and ends up being a whole thing where all the dogs have to get him back, and the little girl, and they're riding on the top of a bridge.

It was really stressful. Isn't it based on Oliver?

Probably.

Oliver Twist. Oliver.
Oh, and they're like the

twists. All of her twists.
That's that nipple fetish porn.

All of her

twist.

Oh man, people are really gonna like this.

I used to, we

never even put together that it was when I worked at the video store. I don't even know.
We of course had a porn section that was famously not like hidden behind a curtain or anything like that.

But you had to guard it, it was just an aisle. I had to guard it because those pervs would come in there.
Or you just uberted it. They would just look at the covers and go.

But I used to like, I used to like to look at the titles. It is based on Hover Twist.

Great. The one I remember the most clearly that I thought was

a cat. Yeah.
Everything else is. And there's a butler.
People don't realize that Oliver Twist is a cat. Yeah.
I know. Well, he didn't do it.
Well, Dickens never says it. He's like.

And people don't realize Dickens was a cat. That's the thing.
Every once in a while, there's a

cat to say it's a cat. Why should he have to say that? Why should he say that? It doesn't matter.

He doesn't have to say that. The title I liked the most was Arear and Pleasant Danger?

Wow.

They don't do the funny titles in Danger.

I remember that. No, really?

They call it like Doctor Who, a porn parody. Or do they just call it like fisting for hours?

Is that a fistful of dollars? No, I just mean it's not. It's just, it just describes what it is.

Fisting for hours. Is it F-O-R or the number four? Fisting for

four hours. Colon.
Four hours. And it's three hours long.
In your colon.

Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh.
Gosh, guys. You know, Christmas is right around the corner.
Santa, he's still up to it. Well, yeah.
So what's the date?

Don't you pay any mind.

So what's the date? Christmas is coming, and the goose is getting fat. Please put a penny.
And the old man's hat. No, obviously, this is December 8th, clearly.

When this is being released, the day after a day that we're living in. We have some fun Christmas plans coming up, but we'll see.
What you going to do? Say with you.

What you're going to do when he comes for you. Ah! That's what Santa's new song.
What if, yeah. Santa, Santa.
What you're going to do.

What if Santa. I want you to be like in a Santa cop uniform.
It's like blue with like the hat. A-C-A-B.

We all agree Santa does great stuff. He does great.
One of the greats.

And we love everything he does.

Yeah. And the only price he asks of us is occasionally some milk and cookies.
But what if he kidnapped one child every year? I know, first of all, would we still be like he's great and let him do it?

I feel it depends what he does with the child. If they become like have a fabulous life with North America, can you separate the art from the artist?

But also, Santa doesn't ask for the milk and cookies. He asks for us to be good.

But he gives him the milk and cookies. Why? Because we are good.
It's implied that he wants to be good.

Of course, he wants time. You can still get your presents without giving the milk and cookies.

I can't wait for Holly to have Christmas this year because she's going to start to have an idea what's going on. I just have a little glimmer of an idea that's going to be a good idea.

That's very exciting.

That's very exciting. She liked the Halloween tree.
Oh, yeah? Yeah. She was very delighted by it.
You showed me the video of her watching the rain, which was so sweet. She loved the rain.
Yeah.

She can stand the rain. She wanted to go out into it.
And so I had, once it stopped, she crawled right outside and just sat in a puddle.

Honestly, same. I know.
So she's sitting on toilets. She's crawling in puddles.
She doesn't care what she sits on. I love it.
Yeah. She's getting dirty like a boy.
Yeah.

I'm going to say that to her. Make it very clear.
You're dirty like a boy.

She's like, what's a boy? Let's start there.

Yeah. Has she ever seen another child? Yes.
Well, she just got an antifut mouth from some of them last week, actually, which is a nice little disease.

It's a virus. It's so weird.
I only feel like I am aware of that in the last few years as being a thing that humans can get because I always thought it was an animal thing.

I didn't know anything about RSV until two weeks ago.

It's scary, I know. What's what? RSV.
It's like a little, little it's a virus that little kids can get. Does the V stand for virus? Probably.
What does RS response, though?

They end up in the hospital often. Roberto.
Just because they need to be on

breathing things.

They can't breathe.

Yeah, it's like bad. It's going around.

I don't need me to tell you. That's bad.
It's worse than COVID.

And there's no vaccine. Worse than COVID.
COVID's the worst thing that ever had. No, I mean, it's worse in the sense of more people have it now.
Oh, thank God.

I thought you were dissing COVID.

Damn it. It's more bad than COVID right now.
yeah that's interesting actually yeah fun that's all that my covet right now my sister is a

nurse yeah

which is so great and she says yeah you really got to watch out for the rsv because that's where everyone has it at the hospitals now they're overrun but now how are how is that happening is what i'm how how's everyone getting rsv

um is it like a cold it's like a kissing chain okay

well the fun thing with hand foot and mouth is that it's spread through saliva and when i told you how they threw up on me three times yes that was definitely that. And then you betrayed our Lord.

Yeah,

all right, we have to take a break.

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Yeah, exactly.

That's what Scrooge did. Yep.
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See MintMobile.com. Uh-oh, the fashion police are here.
Can you hear those sirens? Yeah, I can.

Boy, they're here to lock me up for what I'm wearing. I can get you out of this situation.
On bail?

Even better. I won't have to to go to fashion jail in the first place.
The first exoneration. Oh,

if you listen to me, fashion pardon. You'll get a fashion pardon.
Okay, I'm listening. It starts like this: cold mornings, holiday plans.
This is when you need your wardrobe to just work.

That's why I'm all about for you, quince. They make it easy to look sharp, feel good, and find gifts that last.
I have gotten some quints.

I'm not wearing it right now, which is why I think the fashion police are here. But you should be wearing it.
I will say quince makes the essentials that every guy needs, right?

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Do you mean like five-fourths where it costs more? No, no, no, the good one. Oh, the good fractions.
Okay.

It's everything you actually want to wear, built to hold up season after season after season after season. I got some stuff from Quince, Paul.
You're going to be very proud of me.

I got a Mongolian cashmere crew neck sweater. Nice.
I'm a big fan of that. It's great for when you want to feel cozy, but still look, you know, at your best.
I wear it all the time.

And honestly, I would wear it even more if my wife weren't borrowing it all the time. Girl, I hear you.
My wife keeps stealing my Quince items.

I have a wonderful soft cashmere hoodie that I got from them.

And she has claimed it as her own, which that is honestly very aggravating. My wife has also been going into our bank accounts and stealing money from my own bank account that I have kept secret.

And I'm really concerned about that. My wife has literally taken food out of my mouth.
Oh, no. Like, I put a forkful of food in my mouth, and she's taken it out of of it.

That's the right amount, as far as I'm concerned. A forkful.
That's how I eat food by the fork. Exactly.
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And we're back. Baby bitch.
Malegda. Balegda.
Belegda.

I just met a girl named Belegda.

And suddenly I find

I wanna wanna line to me.

Belegda.

Say it, reggae.

Was that movie successful? No.

It wasn't, right? No. Kind of eat shit.
Weird. Well, it came out in the middle of, I mean, people weren't going to.
It came out during COVID. Yeah.
That's right.

We ran out of theater and saw it. That's right.
Casey Wilson and I

did a co-screen, co-headlining screening. We both headlined.
You co-presented. Casey really wanted to talk beforehand, but

she thought

here in LA, I don't know whether you could do it elsewhere. You could rent an AMC theater for a private screening for up to 50 people.
I would imagine you could do it anywhere.

No, I think it was other places too. It was in Chicago.
And I mean, it was not expensive. It was not that expensive.
It was $300 for my friend to do it.

Yeah, it was, it was essentially like 20 bucks a person. Yeah.
If you had enough people to go.

But Casey kind of thought that it was more like a private screening thing where she would be given an opportunity to speak beforehand.

I was like, nothing to do with? No, it just like starts at the normal time, just like going to the movies, like the AMC promos. And was everybody in there people from that party?

Because I feel like there was like one couple that had nothing to do with us. Right.
And no, no, they were, no, those were like Casey's friends. Okay, okay, good.
That I didn't even know. Yeah.

Good, good, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it was fun. It was fun.
It was really fun. It was fun.
It was like a thing. It's one of those things.
Exactly, Lauren. I, I, I, it's one of those things.

I, I, I,

I, I, I, it's one of those things when I, when it happened, I was like, oh, I have to remember this is a thing you can do because this is really fun. And then instantly

never did it again. Oh, for sure.
Yeah. I went to see Dierov and Hansen.
My friend got this screening or whatever.

And that was fun. But because you can kind of yell and talk about it.
Rowdy suck. You have a rowdy screening, exactly.
I love a rowdy screening.

I was yelling some swears at some point, and then there was a child. We did that for Jackass 4.

Who brought a child?

It doesn't matter. And they were fine with that.
We did it for Jackass 4. And was it Janie who had never seen any of the movies before and had no idea what she was in for?

She had the vaguest idea of what Jackass was. They hit the nuts occasionally.
No, there's a lot of cock. There's so many penises in it.
Janie did it. No, I love it.

She, there was a lot of stuff she could not look at because it was so stomach-turning.

A man's penis is disgusting.

You've never seen mine.

Wow. You just do like a sort of what? All

that situation.

We're in the dark all the time. Yeah.
Yeah.

Someone turned on the lights. There's a murder.
You have blackout curtains. There could be murders happening all the time.
We have no idea. You never are seen just in case your penis comes out.

No, no, no. No, we have flashlights that we hold up to our faces and a tiny flashlight for your penis.
No, you don't. But I don't put batteries in that because she can't see.
Yes, that's what I mean.

You hold the flashlight off up to it. Yeah.

Oh, the flashlight coming out from it to make it look bigger. But she can't see it.
She can't see it. She can't feel it.

No, we've never met. Oh.

We live in the same house. So that makes it easier.
Yeah. Our wedding was weird.
Weird stuff.

How many roommates

fall in love?

What a beautiful question. I wonder what the percentage is.
How many roommates fall in love? Because we've all had roommates. By the way, we have not returned to our roommate.
Is a roommate round?

But the problem is

where we left off. I forgot about that.
Shit. We were going to recount all of our roommates we've ever had.
We cannot go back to it unless we know where we left off.

And some roommates, I don't want to talk about.

I feel like... I don't want to talk about all of them.
I remember where I left off, I think.

But in any case,

everyone who's had a roommate, what percentage... Hands up.

What percentage of them fall in love? We can see you right now. Like they don't.

Even if they know each other beforehand, whatever. How many roommates fall in love? I would say maybe 0.5%.

Oh, I think it's 50%.

Wow. I think it's like 89% fall in love.

Oh, what's left? 11%

are falling in love. Falling in love.
By the way, reality recap. Yeah.
Yeah.

Now the distinction on The Bachelor

is

falling for you. I'm falling in love with you.

I am in love with you.

Which is like, no, back in the day, you just said. You can't say I, if you say I'm falling in love with you, that means I'm in love with you.
It's bizarre. Yeah.
I'm almost there. It's so crazy.

I'm so close to being in love with you. I can tell that I'm about to be in love with you.
It's like, what do you mean? Probably by this time next week. Yeah.
I'll be in love with you. Then again.

To have gradients on this stuff, it's like, why does it have to be just a dichotomy of I'm not in love with you? I am in love with you. Did you see that? Reality recap.

Yeah, Gabby and the guy she picked have broken up. No, just a mere couple months.
So you're saying I have a chance. Yeah.
Gabby went. Which show is that from Bachelorette.
Bachelorette.

Which guy did she pick? I forget everything about the previous season, the moment of stuff. It was Eric.
Actually, Eric. Now, so there's The Bachelor, which is.

I like her, but she's got a lot of vocal fries. No, I think she's great, but she's like, Eric.

She's like, I love Eric. I think I'm falling for.

I really think I'm falling for Eric.

That was actually really good. She's 100 years old?

Yeah. She sounds like it, but she's had a heartbeat.
I feel like I'm falling for Eric. Ew.

By the way, the guy on Bachelor in Paradise. My mother.

Girl, I think that you and I are in love with each other. Sweetie Pat, I haven't watched an episode this season.
That was a gift I gave myself.

Well, I have to say, I have to say, Shep is doing stand-up comedy now. These are good.

You've been watching Bip.

What's Bip? Bachelor in Paradise. Oh, no, you're just.
Who's Shep? Shep is from Southern Toronto. Okay, okay.
Oh, he's doing stand-up? Where?

He did a couple gigs in New York, where, of course, he just tells stories about Carnegie Hall? That show. Yeah, he opened at Carnegie Hall.
That's the thing. Like, I just want to try this out.

That's the thing, though. No, he did a small room in New York, and it sounded like every room is small in New York.

It's like, have you seen apartments there? What about Seinfeld? He lives in a nice big space. That's true.
That's a good point. But you only see part of it.
What if Seinfeld was

sitting in New Jersey's room? We don't go into Jerry's room ever.

No, I think you've been in there like a couple episodes. Really? Yeah.
I'm pretty sure that's not. Like a wake-up with a woman type situation.

I don't think I ever. And then this woman's got a weird thing that he can't get past.
Yeah, of course. Like a schnauz.
What if it was said he's not a robot? 17 years old.

Hey.

Paul, you're bad. I'm naughty.
And I've never said otherwise.

I'm bad.

I know it. I know.

Speaking of, I've finally watched the Weird Al movie. Oh, I wanted to watch it.
We have a

very good funny call.

I saw the spoiler that you're Gallagher. It's true.
I play the comedian, the Irish comedian Gallagher.

It was really funny. It was

the picture you posted. Thank you.

I was very grateful to be a part of it.

And I finally watched the whole movie. And man, I laughed all the way through it.
Yeah, it's very funny. It's really funny.
I've been able to watch it. It's really funny.

A lot of great performances in it. I think our Danny Radcliffe is amazing.

Yeah. He can do it all.

Act and other stuff, I guess. I'm curious to actually do this.
I actually can't. I can't really imagine him.
Me, Jack.

Me, Dak. Don't you ever come back.
I can't really imagine him doing this role, so I'm very excited to see it. He's great in it.
And I will tell you that when I was on that set,

him in that costume and the wig and the mustache, it was never not funny. Like every time I looked at it, it was funny to me.
Yeah.

And then like just standing there, but then when he was saying stuff, it got even funnier. And how long have you known Al?

I mean, around the same time as God. You met him at the same time? I think 10 years, maybe?

Well, now it's, I mean, we've

14. Let's say 14.
Yeah. At this point, let's say 14.
Wow. I kind of wish, I know he's more handsome now, but I kind of wish he'd go back to that old look.
It's so iconic. What if he did it for a year?

Just a year. That's all we're asking, Al.
One year of your life. Take that hair back into my head, squirt that hair back out of my lip, put those glasses back on.

Oh, yeah, I forgot he doesn't have a mustache.

And he straightens his hair, I think.

Al? Yeah.

Because it's naturally. No, he's straight.
I believe it's

styles it differently. It's longer, so it's more weighted down.
Maybe he uses a product.

Maybe he used to permit or something. No, it is still curly.
But all we're asking, Al.

This is all we're asking.

I don't imagine that Al wakes up every morning and runs a straightener through his hair.

You don't think he

conks his hair? Just even that is weird, that you don't think he wakes up every morning. I do think he does.
You think I was just awake all the time?

I don't think he's constantly awake or rolling out of bed, asleep, and continuing his wife. You think he's sleepwalking through his whole life?

Someone's just giving him a shake. He's going to wake up one day.
It's very dangerous. I made a movie?

Is it dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, or is that just a myth? I think it's a myth. Let's ask microbiglia.
Because nobody ever says. He's been sitting here this whole time.

Nobody ever says what happens if you wake them. Microbiglia.
They just say it's very dangerous. It's just in TV shows and movies and shit.
Yeah, no, they do. Did I tell you about when they do?

I don't even know that they'll punch you.

You get violent. Did I tell you about when I was in?

I'm serious. Winter camp.

Why did you go to winter camp?

Parents didn't even want you to be home for Christmas. I had to go to summer camp and winter.
Winter camp was in school. I've never heard of winter camp.

Why weren't you in school, dearie?

Because it was a weekend.

Summer camp was a week. You went to camp on the weekend once.

Yeah, that's my story. The end.

Okay, what?

There was a guy who was a, I guess, a sleepwalker who got up out of, we had bunk beds in the cabin. He got out of his cabin and he started arguing with his dad

in the corner, to the corner. Dad wasn't there.

And he, and we all didn't know what to do. And we're like, do we wake him up? Do we wake up?

Do we comfort him? Do we wake him up? And we just let him have this argument going, no, no, no, you don't know what you're saying. You don't know what you're saying.

Yeah. Wow, that's really embarrassing.
He's still having the argument. We never woke up.
Wow. Oh my God.
He's still at that camp. They tore that camp down.
He's still just Blair Witching it.

Aged and he's just standing there and his pajamas are too small. The other night I had a dream where.
I've been having very pleasant dreams lately, and I don't know why.

And I will wake up at 4.30 a.m. every day and have an hour of pure anxiety about things that i have to do then i go back to sleep but my dreams are extremely nice i mean

having a nice dream is like so amazing it really is

it's such a little treat nice dream but i had a dream where um i was with a friend of mine i can't remember who it was now but they had like this cute little dog And I was in the dream, I was like, oh my God, your dog is so, I love this dog.

I'm like, give him a kiss. He loves, he loves little kisses.
And so I was kissing the dog on the top of the head. See, that's a bad dream for for me.
And I fucking ate your pillow.

I woke myself up making kissing sounds.

And suddenly, you're awake. And I was like, who are you?

I thought for sure that was going to wake Janie up because I've done that before where I've, I've, I've gone from saying something in the dream to saying it out loud. Right.
Yeah.

And then it wakes her up. But she didn't wake up for this.

I had, hey, okay. No, I mean, like, it's like something I do is like,

Zibby, Zibby, Zibby.

I had two nights ago, I had a nightmare. And

I woke inside Myrrh. What?

Inside Myrrh? Inside Woke? Yeah, that's what I said.

I woke myself up from it, like, going, no, no.

And I could tell like I had woken up, I'd woken up Kulop or whatever, and I like rolled over. But she didn't say anything.
She didn't like comfort me or anything.

So I was like, oh, maybe I didn't wake her up. The next morning, she says, yeah, you started making really scary noises

to the extent that I thought you were messing with me.

I was like, Oh, so she was like kind of mad. Had I just gone to sleep? She's like, No, I was awake for another two hours after you went to sleep.
I was like, What?

Why two hours into sleep would I start fucking with you

by going? I mean,

it's a perfect setup.

Wait, wait, two hours sound you were doing. I don't know.
I think it was just like,

stop it, stop it.

No, Are you messing with me?

But like, to think so poorly of me, to think that, oh, no, I'm not concerned. He's fucking with me.
Yeah. What the hell is this? Devil mask much?

That's a good point. Yeah.
Once bitten, every time shy.

I never used it on her.

Never forget. You did take her to, what did you say?

And she hated it.

Well, I didn't take her because she made me take her home. Oh, that's right.
That's right. Yeah.
Anyway, I don't know.

And she would have hated it because it was one of those haunted houses where you had to crawl. No.
It was so weird. You had to go.
Oh, fuck doing that.

They dug under the, into the dirt and made a tunnel under the dirt that you had to crawl through. I was like, oh, that's fucking ridiculous.
And she had to go through that not wanting to do it at all.

That's hell. No, she, I took her home.
If college kids yell at you, forget it. Well, there's a place called Delusion.
It's like a get your master's and then yell at people.

Did you say it's haunted clay? Haunted play. Oh, okay.
That makes more sense. Oh, it's a haunted play, yeah.
It's very scary. I went one year, but I actually get too scared.
I don't think I really.

How scared is too scared? Like, where during it, I'm going like, ah, and I'm like, if they choose me for this next thing, I'm really going to hate it.

What do they choose people for? Like, so basically, what they do is they take like an empty mansion in LA, like, like an old house, and they do a different one every year. And it's empty, you say?

Well, like, nobody lives there. But there's furniture

with props and sets.

And then there's like a story. So it's like they, you walk up, and then like an actor will come up

and be like, for instance, oh, wow, you have to help me.

You have to help me. There's something happening and blah, blah, blah.
So I heard for this year what they did was that they were like, oh, the monster is coming or the giant. Did you go to it, Matt?

Okay. Like someone's coming.
Too scared? The monster's coming.

Everyone needs to play dead in the back of this truck bed. Guys, the monster's coming.
Everyone needs to lay like you're dead in the back of this truck bed. Then they drive you as you're laying.

They drive you somewhere? Yeah, to like them where the second location is the home. Yeah, are you touching bodies with strangers? Probably,

and then like, but all my friends like this kind of stuff, and they think it's really cool. Oh, they're perves.
Okay, well, anyway, I sounded really scary to me.

I'd be this is the part where they actually do kill you. Yeah, so they take you to this place, and then does the monster come?

No, yeah, they're like, He's running in 15 minutes, like then you go through the house, and like, you know, there's a story that they're telling you of, like, oh, come this way.

You have to do this thing, and this task has to be accomplished, and you have to like work together, like do something. Oh, I'm aware of, or then you have to get into this.

The year that I went, there was like a giant table that you crawl under like as if you're small. And then all these big legs walked by and it was like really creepy.
And you couldn't see

it. So it was memorable and it was cool.
But there's parts where like someone gets chosen to go into a room with someone and then something happens in there and you don't know.

And you get separated from your group. And I was like, I do not want that.
I like to huddle with everyone.

Yeah. I get too scared.
Yeah. That's to be pulled away from the group is scary.
And then you're kind of like acting with them because they're kind of like, I don't know, maybe it's weird as an actor.

Well, that's the thing. But like

you know, they're an actor and they're going like, come in. That's the thing.
You're not getting paid to act. So it's like

if you were me, I would be like, I'm sorry, but my name is Scott Auckman. This is fake.
You're all fake. Give me money if you want me to.

No, but I think I feel confused about what my role is. Like, am I supposed to go in there and be like really doing it up? Or am I supposed to be reacting like how I am? Yeah, you need direction.

It needs

a second take when you're doing it.

I'd love that. It should be, it shouldn't be be a one-on-one thing.
I don't know, but I'm sure people

like it. For people who aren't performers, yes, they probably like it.
No, and also my performer friends like it. Well, they're weird.
Okay.

Or. What about your friends who are thinking about performing, but they

only have a living room ball? I don't think I have one friend like that. I think they either simply don't do it or they do it.

Yeah.

You don't have any friend who doesn't do it who's sort of like flirting. Thinking about getting into the business.

So there's some fellow middle-aged people were like, I'm going to try acting.

Why not?

Hey, look, there's a lot of stories like that. Yeah, of course they could, but it's just, I think you've been doing it too long to meet people.
It's hard. I met some people the other day.

You know what I mean? You've met all the people you're ever going to meet, dude. I met some people the other night.
I was so fucking bored.

I was just like,

why am I doing this? I don't want to meet any more people. I'm done.
It's a lot when you start. Yeah, because I wonder, you're, you know, you've had more of that than I have.

So you get to a point where you're just like, I don't want to start over.

I don't want to keep starting over. Speaking of Jerry Seinfeld, that's why he got married.
You said, like, I kept hating repeating first-date talk. Yeah.
Let's just marry one of them.

Weird fucking God.

We got to take a break.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Well, it's here, folks.
The holidays.

That's right. A time of tradition, but also a time of stress and chaos.

Oh boy, a look back at the whirlwind of a year before diving into another one.

You know, one of the things that helps me through knowing that all of this is coming up is just talking to someone about it all.

In fact, I have my own tradition of reflecting on the past year with calm, clarity, and compassion. And these conversations with my therapist help recenter me during the holiday mayhem.

So this December, consider online therapy with BetterHelp. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S.

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This December, start a new tradition by by taking care of you. Our listeners get 10% off at betterhelp.com/slash threedom.
That's betterhelp.com/slash threadom.

Hello, I'm Gretchen Rubin, and I'm Lori Gottlieb. We're two friends, one a happiness researcher, and the other, a therapist.
And we are here to tackle the problems of everyday life with all of you.

From big issues to small, we'll share advice and fresh perspectives, and we'll also highlight responses from you, our listeners, to the questions we discuss.

Whether it's that pet peeve that's been bugging you for years, a tricky dilemma, or just something you've always wondered about, we'll talk it through.

The Since You Asked podcast from Lemonata Media premieres on September 23rd, wherever you get your podcasts.

We're back!

It's three church time and you know you love it. You know you love it.
You know you need it. You know you need it.
You begging us for it. You're filled in your ear hole.
Like little piss pigs.

You're piss pigs and hey, piss pigs, guess what? It's time for a three chart. Hey, piss pigs, we're back.
I'm sorry that that's the collective name for our fans, but you guys voted and you got it.

And it's just you have the quality of piss pigs.

You're more like piss pigs than you aren't. So that's what you're called.
Yeah.

We love our fans, the little piss pigs. Hi, Scott, hi, Paul, our fellow piss pig here.

Okay, we're going to play a three chir that we've played many times. It's a favorite of ours and hopefully of yours too.
It's called Hitting the Posts. And this is where we play songs from our phones.

And the challenge is to do the perfect DJ thing of dabbing over

the musical part of the song before the lyrics start. I wonder what...
Vocals.

And I know it's like rude to be talking over someone. Yeah.

Which is why we never talked about it. That's why we stop before the voice.
We never talk over each other. We never talk over each other.
We never will. Stop before the voice.
Me too.

Do you think there was ever a DJ before this became customary who just talked over the lyrics and was just like, yeah, hey, shut up back there. Anyway, I'm who was the first DJ to decide

to talk over this part? Yeah, exactly. Because normally on the radio, it's like, you start a song? Yeah.
And it's like, oh, I should shut the fuck up. Like a guy who's uncomfortable with silence.

Yeah. And he's like, nobody's talking.

Anyway, so it takes too long to get to the vocals. All right.
So who? I have the dongle. So

I'm going to play. So who's going to talk? Is it clockwise or counterclockwise?

I'll do it. Okay.
You ready? Lauren Volunteers' Tribute. Monger Games.
Here we go. And

it's the weekend, folks, and you know what that means. It's time to party.
Get your red solo cups and your ping-pong bowls and go over to your best gal's house and start slam dunking them beers.

Call me in the morning and slap my ass and call me.

No, we'll never know. Sally.

I didn't want to say. What song was that? That was Velvet Crush with Speedway.

VC with SP.

Uh-oh. Tight.
Go around the other way. Go around the other way.
Go around the other way. Tight dongle.
Go around the other side.

Tight dongle.

Oh, honey. Oh, honey.
You don't even know.

I love fucking. That's Claudio.
That's Claudio.

Claudio. Claudio.
Wait, wait, hold on. Hold on, wait.
Are you ready? Hi. Is it me? Yeah.
I'm going to start over. It is you.
Are you ready?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. I didn't realize it did that.

Well, that's what happens with body story. Okay, I'll do another one on that one.
Why? Because it's fun. But that's how it.
Okay, fine, that's fine. That was his turn.
No, that's not fun for me. Okay.

Okay.

Oh, boy. You know what's going to happen now.
My boss is going to fire me for saying shit. I remember all my life fucking fun.

We know that song. We know, yeah.

It's a great song.

It has to be a song you don't know. No, I just.
No, no, no. It's just easier if you you know the song.

That's why he knew to stop. Yeah, that's why he knew

it wasn't quite quickly.

Gimme that dongle.

Gimme that dongle.

It was So It Goes by Nick Lowe, and the previous song was My Life is Right by Big Star.

Okay, ready? Mm-hmm.

Hey, folks, this is Scotty the Body Deez Nuts. And I want to let everyone know that every time I drink a carbonated beverage, I float about two feet above the ground and I'm doing it right now.

Somebody grab my ankles because I'm about to fly

so high.

That wouldn't fake me up.

That was Bruce Springsteen with Thunder Rose live at Wembley. Wembley? He played Wembley? That's so fucking cool.
Play Wembley. Everybody knew his songs.
That's so fucking cool.

Even though they've never, even though they have old jersey there. Wow.

Do they have old jersey there? They have old jersey there. Oh, wow.

Speaking of old jersey, how's Kevin Smith doing? Oh, you fucking got him.

All right, ready, Lauren? I am. Here we go.

College starts today, everyone. All across the USA, kids are moving into their dorms and saying bye-bye to mommy and daddy.

Well, get ready because it's time to learn everything you're going to need to know to function as a human being in society.

We've got philosophy. We've got history.

We've.

This is still the backup singers this year. We've got music.
We've got English. Now, please, bring your textbooks and be ready.

Bring your textbooks and be ready. And be ready.
I should learn how to sum up my sentences before.

That was Barbara Lewis with Ask the Lonely. Nope, can't go that way, remember? Can't go that way.

Okay.

Can't go that way. Ding-dong.

Shamoong.

But see, now I'm like, what song don't you know? All right, here we go. It's ready and

hey folks, that CO2 alarm has been going off in the studio, but it is Labor Day weekend and I want to bring you this music for as long as I have breath in my body, which shouldn't be too much longer.

So turn your radio all the way up and call an ambulance and send it over here just in case. I love each and every one of you more than I love my children, whose names I cannot recall.

I think one of them's Jeremy. That's the word.
That's the word.

Sounded so backupy. What's that? That's Rill Rill by Sleigh Bells.
Sleigh bells ring

or yelling. And we are standing

in the lanes.

You gotta move that dongle over, Lauren.

A beautiful song. How dare you? She just just threw it at me.
We're having to tell you. It's almost time for Christmas music.
Should we do a Christmas round?

I don't have any Christmas music in my head. You don't go to Spotify.com.
I have a corn and have it. You have sound effects.
You don't have

to do it. You don't have a Spotify, you know, what do you call it? Subscription? You can search any song you want in Hawaii.
You don't have a Spotify? What do you call it?

I'm just saying, I thought we were playing songs from our

phone, not our Spotify. My Spotify is my phone.
What?

My Spotify is my phone. I keep my songs in my Spotify because that's where I listen to my music.
Is that weird? No, I think it's normal. All right.
Scott, are you ready? Yep.

Hey, everyone. I was thinking about...

Do I need glasses or not? Let me give you an example. I'm going to read this sign that's over on the wall over here.
It says,

Okay, that's what I'm reading. But someone told me it says gentleman's room.
Okay,

maybe it does. Maybe it doesn't.

How am I supposed to know? Also,

I was really hoping it was all instrumental. It seemed like it was going to be.
That was the action news theme from WPVI TV in Philadelphia.

Oh, wow. And you listened to that for pleasure.

No, I got it because I wanted to play it. I wanted to come on to it when I did Raised by TV in Philadelphia.
Yes. And people fucking loved it.
They did. I came onto it.
That's right.

People cheered and I sang it. Everyone sang with me.
I remember this. I mean, I wasn't there.
No, you don't. What? But you told me I wasn't.
But I did listen to it. I told you in detail about it.

Yeah. So why are you making fun of me? All right, Lauren, ready? Here we go.

I've got to give a big happy birthday to my boss, Jared. He is turning 15.
And yes, it does bother me that he's so much younger than me and he's my boss, but what can you do?

Yes, I've been working at this station for 42 years and a 15-year-old is my boss.

Oh, the electric prunes. All right.

You got to love the EPs. You got to.
The executive producers of that album.

Who made all the money? Okay, you ready, Paul? Yeah. I don't know what this is.
I want to press play.

Everybody's got to feel good when they put on a new pair of socks.

That's why the Salvation Army is cleaning all of the socks and sending them to you as if they are brand new because they want you to have that feeling, but they don't want you to know that someone had the socks on before you.

I shouldn't be telling you this, it should be private, but there you go. Now you know the rest of the story,

and you can go to Salvation Army around the clock. They're open 24 hours this month.

What is that? I don't know. That was for you holiday remix by Lehigh.
I just went to a holiday thing.

Where's that playing from? Oh, that's my phone.

I hit play by accident. Was that an IHOP commercial? Yeah.

It's an IHOP commercial. It's kind of like the folksy kind of music that, like,

you go down to IHOP and get the $3.99 special. Okay.
Are you ready, Scott? Oh, yeah. Here we go.

Hey, everyone. Have you heard of this new thing called sex? I guess it's where you take your private part and you rub it against someone else's private part.
I don't know.

It felt good to me when I did it for the first time the other day.

So I wanted to let you know about it. Give me a call.
Let me know if you've heard of this thing and if you have any requests.

Until then, here's Harmonica Joe with this is my first lesson and someone is taping it on

the twos

and the threes and the fours. We skip the fives, come back around on the sixes.

Seven o'clock, we take a big long break because we're very hungry and we eat a big buffet meal.

We go to hometown buffet, we get the chicken and the pizza which is not something you normally get at any other restaurant but when you see it on one of those buffets you just can't help yourself because the flavor profiles are too good

too good to refuse is what i say and why would you refuse it i mean you're paying for it And they throw away most of the food when you're done. So why not eat all you want when you're at that buffet?

It's really a business model that cannot fail. Make a whole bunch of stuff, a bunch of people come to get it, they pay you.

Hey, hey, you've got a caller. Oh, yeah.

Call her two. Hello.
Hey, Scott, I just wanted to say, I'm a big fan. Oh, thank you so much.
I was wondering if you could play a song for my wife. She just died.
Oh,

yeah. How is she going to hear it, though? Oh, hey, good point.
Goodbye. Okay.

Wow.

What? Getting a phone call. Oh, it ranks.
That was so perfect.

Wow, that was good. That, of course, was an instrumental.
Thank you. And you knew it was.
And I knew it was.

Hilarious. I can't believe we haven't done that before.
Have we not? I don't think we have. And it feels like we all should be.
It was about time. It was about time to do it.
It was about time.

Well, there you go. That's how you play hitting the posts.
And that was fucking fun as always.

Plug it because I'm hearing that buzzing in my rear,

and I would love to not hear it. There we go.
How's that, dear? That is wonderful.

Guys, another fun episode. Really

happy to be here with you all and to be recording the silliness. And there's a sincere thought out of me.
So, do with that what you will.

And we're not going to see each other for another two years at this point, right? So, yeah,

so let's make the most of this. That's right.
We've recorded the next couple seasons in advance of this.

Yes, yeah. Um, they're really good.
I mean, they're oh, they're crazy. They're so good.
I can't wait to hear them. But, uh, yeah, we will not be seeing each other in person for another couple years.

I can't believe it's almost 2023. Yeah, I know.
Did you ever think you'd be alive? Yes.

Before you were alive, I mean. Oh, yeah.

Lauren, you have to understand, when I was a kid, this is, I couldn't even imagine a year like this. I thought 2000 was.
2023 is just silver. I thought, yeah.
Everything is silver.

Yeah. And it's not.

I like how in THX 1138, everybody just shaves their head all the time. I know.

It takes up a lot of razors. It takes up a lot of time.
Are we going to wrap it up? Yeah, it's done. So Freedom USA on Instagram and Twitter, threedomusa gmail.com.

If you want to suggest a three church to us, you can call us. We haven't listened to any voicemails yet, but we have them

at Haha LaImpu.

Only call us if you want to tell us how great we are.

That should be no, I think only call us if you have an interesting question for us to talk about. Yeah.

But you can include that we're great.

Sure, but okay.

Just get out of the the way real quick. Just say, hi, you guys.
I love you to death. You're the best fan of that.
That's fine. Yeah.
And here's my interesting question.

Yeah, and phrase it however you want. Yeah, but word for word.
And don't make the questions like backhanded. Like, why aren't you better at,

you know what I mean? Like, like little bits of money. Yeah, it's more about Convo starter.

If you were good looking, what's the first thing you would do? Things like that.

All right, everybody. That is a good question.
Thank you. First thing I would do? Yeah.
If you want to hear ad-free versions of the show, you can go to Stitcher or to CBBWorld.com.

And guys,

oh shit.

I don't even remember what we call it anymore.

It's revisiting. Three visiting on the twos.
Revisiting on the twos, where we're re-releasing our older episodes on Tuesdays, and they're just as fresh as a daisy. They are.
Indeed.

So this Tuesday we'll be releasing

episode four, I think. I think so.
Which

in the Star Wars universe is a new hope. That's right.

The best one, man. We are retitling episodes one through nine

according to the Star Wars. And after that, 10 is through, you know, what we have now is what we think the episode should be called.

Exactly.

Putting it all together.

Star Wars 10, putting it all together.

Star Wars 11. Oops.
Where are my keys to the Millennium Falcon? Star Wars 12. Aha!

Are there locks on any of the spaceships in the the Star Wars universe? I don't think so. You never see it.
They just open and shut. It's like

you should at least have like a key that. The controls are almost all exactly the same.
I know. Yeah.

Everyone knows how to fly everything. Yeah.
Although they're always looking for a pilot. Sounds great.
But then anyone who gets... Yeah, exactly.

Anyone who gets into one of these things, it's like they go, oh, that's a really good point.

We need a pilot.

We all have spaceships, but I don't know how to drive one. All right, that's enough.
Goodbye. We love you.
Bye.

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From the darkest corners of our imagination comes a game show that's more ridiculous than terrifying. Welcome to Tickled to Death.

I'm your host, Roz Hernandez, and I'll be guiding guests through the creepy questions and chaotic games, all to win the ultimate title of horror movie champion.

Listen to Tickled to Death wherever you get your podcasts, and hit follow unless you want the show to follow you.