Threevisiting: Bubble Disease

It's morning in New York!

Hey, everybody, I'm Mandy Potenkin.

And I'm Catherine Grody.

And we have a new podcast.

It's called Don't Listen to Us.

Many of you have asked for our advice.

Tell me, what is wrong with you people?

Don't listen to us.

Our Take It or Leave It Advice show is out every Wednesday, premiering October 15th.

A Lemonada Media Original.

Mama Mama Mama Mo.

Wow, it's the show.

Lawrence just bopping her head because presumably you don't know the words.

You know the words?

I actually do know the words.

I was letting you guys have that one

because you seem so excited to sing together.

It's been so long.

We've never sung that song together before.

Oh my gosh.

That's the first.

That's not possible.

That's unpossible.

Possible.

It's not possible.

I'm not fucking the non-possible bird.

You are really defensive right now.

I was just adding to what you said.

Now, why do you have these records all flip the other way?

Now, why?

We are, by the way, you're welcome to Freedom.

I'm Scott.

I'm Lauren.

I'm Scott and Lauren.

And we're in Scott's home office and he has the earwolf table here do you want to talk about that yes this is the first time anyone knows but we moved all of the recording equipment

anyone knows this is the first i didn't even know it but they know now

the people listening are the first to know out of any of them yeah well yeah

i don't know anything they told me but um

we moved let's see

we moved the stuff into here and be to be

and it's so amazing and you have so we have the table with all the writing Apollo and immediately has headphone problems.

That all these people sign the table.

I like to use my own headphones, but it doesn't seem to work out ever.

And I don't know why that is.

I think you have to let it go and you have to never do that again.

Let it go.

I guess I do, but I don't.

I liked having my own headphones.

Are they too quiet?

Yeah, they're too quiet.

No, this is fine.

These are weird.

This is fine.

Dogs sitting in a brain house.

These are coasters that someone made me.

So, yeah, they say with little mini records.

Basically, like CD or record

backings.

You had them upside down.

Your cork was on top.

And I was wondering why you were hiding that you love you too.

Don't you want the cork on the top as to put your...

And by the way,

neither of you are using them.

Well, my bottle has rubber, and this table is a piece of shit.

Your bottle has glue.

But we all know this table can take whatever I want to put on it.

You know what I'm saying?

Because you can beat it.

Why start putting coasters on this table now?

Why are we respecting the table?

I'm sorry.

Why are we doing that?

And why isn't this part connected to this part?

I know this is interesting for all the listeners.

Now hear the word of the Lord.

But I, and this is, this is, you know, the territory of why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?

But why don't they make any table or dresser or whatever out of a coaster?

Yeah, I mean, this is like, I think something that has been said in, you know, premium blends for years.

Like the TV show.

Premium blend.

Premium's blend.

Wow.

I remember I did.

Tell me about your premium blend.

It was a the set was like a post-apocalyptic sort of thing where I remember there was a big tire.

So I see.

Yeah, there was like neon signs that were askew.

Yeah.

Shit like that.

Yeah.

I love it.

And what do you remember your material?

Will you do it right now?

Was it 10 minutes?

Please do 10 minutes right now.

I think

it's a daylight savings time bit.

I think I did that for sure.

Yeah, what was that again?

My hand injury, which I will tell you about, slapped into the table and it hurts so fucking.

Okay, tell us about the hand injury because I want to hear about it.

That's

burning.

Let's get the hand injury out of that way because you just slapped your hand.

That hurts so badly.

I don't have been writing what.

Just happened.

Do you need me to pee on it?

Yeah.

I was going to ask you that before I heard it.

But what happened was, and I do want to hear about Paul's Premium Blend.

And of course, we'll circle back i think i told you of course we'll circle back we need to know i want to know more uh i have questions but okay so the other night on wednesday i was um washing a very fancy knife that we recently acquired we got a whole new knife set never wash your knives i know we got a new knife set like hollywood a month ago not washing their knives anymore and the and there are these like nice japanese knives

whole thing has been wash it right after you use it because

blah blah blah blah and we and i did have a nice set of knives that started making their way into the dishwasher.

And so that's why we're here.

Okay.

That's why we have the dishwasher.

Oh, so what?

Exactly.

So as someone who, because I've never been allowed to put the knives in the dishwasher.

Yeah.

And I never allowed Mike to do it.

But when they started getting in there, so then, so then what happened to them?

Because

I want to know the consequences.

They started to get a little rusted and less smooth.

I mean, less, you know, sharp.

Yeah.

Which, of course, can be fixed, but whatever.

So we got these new knives.

Well, the knife man comes.

Yeah.

Knives, knives too gross.

There was a a guy like that in my town.

You know, what is this from again?

Oliver.

All right.

Ripe strawberries ripe.

I can't believe it.

So it's either knives or strawberries.

I can't believe how much I can't buy this wonderful food.

So what happened was I was washing.

Okay, Fat Holly dinner.

She's in her high chair.

We're just sitting in the kitchen talking, and I'm washing my knife.

Mike is in the room.

Mike's in the room.

Okay, I was washing my knife, and then it, I don't know what happened.

I think it flipped onto my hand.

Like it was so sudden.

Oh, and it didn't even hurt.

It was just

blood everywhere.

I was like, I was like, blood, blood, blood, blood.

Oh, my God.

And then like he got up and like was, he, he, I will say he was extremely fast at helping me.

He got a first aid kit.

He first had me grab a paper towel.

We do want to have one in the kitchen.

He, but I, I wasn't thinking of it.

I put a paper towel on.

Then he,

he got the first aid kit and basically took my hand.

I almost passed out.

I sat down.

He's pushing it together, wrapping it, all this stuff.

Holly's looking at us like kind of scared because I'm like, I'm like in shock.

Not helping.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then we called two people who couldn't come help and that they didn't answer their phone.

And

we called Mary and my friend Laura to watch Holly so we could leave.

Right, right.

And then we all just got in the car and went to urgent care, which I'm really glad we did because

Holly loved it.

She actually was cracked.

She had a great time with us.

I could hear her laughing from the room that I was in.

She was having a lot of fun.

But we got there.

And did they say if you had been 60 seconds later, you would have lost your hand?

Well, can I say?

Actually, it sounds a little extreme, but my finger was blue.

Oh.

And then they were like, it's tied too tight, which we, of course, they always say, do it so tight.

I mean, it didn't strike me as,

but then they were concerned.

She literally was like, if you left it, I mean, I don't know how long it would have to be, but she was like, if you left it like this, you could have lost your finger.

And like, maybe if I wasn't smart enough to go to the urgent care, I would have like gone to sleep or something, you know, who knows?

But I was really terrified of that.

So that's a good tip for anyone out there.

Don't go too tight.

But I thought he was doing the right thing.

I mean, we both felt very confident that it was

supposed to cut off the circulation.

Yeah.

And it was bleeding so much.

It was so crazy.

So it made sense.

But anyway, it was too tight.

Which finger?

My index finger is right here.

If it had been your thumb, you have a major artery in your thumb.

Is that true?

No.

Anyway, so I didn't ever look at it.

And the woman doctor came in and the doctor was a woman.

What?

This is not the most shocking part of the the story?

So she could operate on you because you're not related.

Exactly.

And she stitched it up.

I got three stitches, and I could feel it at a certain point.

The lidocaine was wearing off in one part of my hand.

And I was like, ow.

And she was like, oh, you feel that?

And I was like, yeah.

And then she tried to give me another shot.

And then I still felt it.

But I will say, having your whole vagina sewn up does put things out of perspective.

An abrupt subject change.

And you had that ask to not have any more children.

I wanted Mike wanted it tighter.

And he gets what he wants.

The daddy says.

Oh, my God.

Now, what's your other injury on your other finger?

No, this is that.

Wait, I saw the stitches, though.

No, you saw them on this hand.

I just was holding it like this.

It's under here.

I just put this band-aid on.

Oh, you just put the band on.

You just put a band-aid on.

Well, but when this, oh, my God, it hurts so fucking bad.

You need something.

No, I'm fine.

But when I, but I have hit it against things and I'm like, I'm going to keep it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's such a specific thing.

It's so crazy.

When you hit a cut.

Yes.

Well, especially when it's one of your extremities and you realize what a gangly weirdo you are.

Exactly.

I always

know sense of my body.

But no, I mean, I feel, that's the way I feel.

Like with my, you know, it's just like constantly hitting

your foot on stuff how often you would be doing.

I hit my hands a lot.

I always have cuts and scrapes on my hands.

Oh, my God.

And I don't know where they come from.

Sure, you don't.

I have bruises everywhere.

I don't know where they come from.

But anyhow, I'm getting the stitches removed.

Because I want to win Ferret that you're a murderer.

So I'm getting the stitches removed on Thursday.

And then Mike was like, oh, be careful after you get the stitches removed because it can reopen if you like make a fist too tight or do something.

Because he had a cut in his hand that reopened.

And he had to get stitches again.

So he's saying, don't make a fist and try to punch me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But I'm like, I can't let this.

I don't want it to pop open.

No, of course not.

Oh, my God.

He said it was really red and crazy.

And he could see a lot of stuff in there.

He could see stuff in there?

Could you see stuff?

Did you look?

I never looked.

I can't look.

And I was like really wanting to look when they were doing the stitches.

I just, I didn't look.

He saw fat.

You have the fattest hands.

I know.

There's

no, but now your hands are so skinny.

So that's how you do it.

You just have to do it.

I lost some blood.

Yeah.

Your hands are too skinny.

I'm worried about you.

Yeah, I know.

I'm trying to think of the deepest cut I ever had.

The first thing that comes to mind is when I was a bachelor and I was trying to assemble some IKEA furniture and

I had to put the wooden, those little wooden dowels, put the wooden dowel in the basket, or else I got the hose.

And what did you want with the dowel?

As I always had to do, I had to start all over again at some point, yes, of course, because you got one thing backwards or otherwise.

Exactly, so um, I was trying to get this dowel out of the little hole, little peg out of the hole, and uh, what's

the best tool for that?

Pliers, probably, Swiss army knife.

So, I am

taking it out with the Swiss Army knife, and I don't know, I can't remember how this happened, but the Swiss Army knife closed on my finger.

And I saw it in my finger.

Oh, no.

And I just stared at it for like

a full beat.

Like,

that's not good.

Pulled it out.

Tons of blood.

I didn't have anything to deal with this.

I think I just put paper towels around it.

And you didn't go to the hospital or anything like that?

No.

Oh, yeah.

Paper towels and scotch tape.

Do you have a scar?

I did for the longest time.

I was just looking.

No, it it finally went away.

Wow.

It finally went away.

I was looking for my, here's, this is mine.

I don't know if you can see it.

On my finger, on my pointer finger.

Why don't you have any fingerprints?

Well, I filed them off.

But I was, I think I was, this is when I was in theater school.

I was at like one of the tech guys' houses playing poker, as I recall.

And he had these homemade metal stools that he had made.

Homemade?

Yeah, he had made them.

And he was like, yeah, I made these.

Sounds Sounds jagged.

And that's what he sounded like.

But no, thank you.

I made these.

I made these.

That's a direct quote.

He had long hair.

This is 1990, I think.

So he had like

I know exactly who you're talking about.

I know that guy.

So I was like on perched on this stool, and I had my

fingers wrapped underneath them like this.

Yeah.

I was trying to blast off.

You were holding on because you were scared of falling off.

He was like, yeah, you're like, oh, no.

I was just balancing.

it.

And then I started to fall.

No.

And

I jerked my hand up and it totally opened my finger.

Oh, my God.

And so that was.

I tried to warn you.

I made these.

That's horrible.

Yeah.

That was a bad one.

Oh, so bad.

Why your sweatshirt says 24?

It says A24.

So A24.

I got sorry.

I don't know what I have to do with that.

Do you know about It's a production company because I know A24 is a production company.

It's a company they make like movies and stuff.

It's Jack Bauer.

24, big hit.

It did say 24, big hit.

Oh, we should do parodies of these.

Yeah, because everyone will get that.

Yep.

Yes.

It's such a basic sweatshirt.

When A24 gives them out for Christmas, we also give them to A24.

To the same people.

Yes.

Let's spend all of our own money doing that.

Absolutely.

I think the trickiest part is getting A24 to share their contact list with us.

But how, how hard it is.

Well, I also would love for them to send us the design before they send it out so that we can have ours ready to go.

Listen, we're doing parody shirts of your shirts.

So please let us know in advance so we can release them at the same time.

I am now realizing this is two years old and I was not on the list this year.

I wonder.

Do you remember that list?

I don't know if you guys were on this where we talked about this.

Shindlers.

Yeah.

It was life.

Yeah.

It was life.

If only he had sold his gold watch.

I've actually never seen that film and I don't know what it's about, JK.

But I haven't ever seen it.

Okay, wait.

There was a list from what's that company, Jash,

a couple years ago.

The email.

The email list.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They accidentally just emailed everyone.

And it was about like the holiday gift or something.

I kind of remember.

And then everyone was like doing bits for four years.

For four years.

And then certain people got really upset.

Yeah.

I cannot be on this list anymore.

This is.

Like, imagine actually getting really mad about it.

Yeah.

And there's so many, it's so that happened to Janie too.

I remember when that happened.

And then that happened to Janie too, where somebody.

Oh, we've talked about this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then there were two.

Oh, oh, oh, we've talked about this.

I'm going to spank myself.

First time that realization has happened on the show.

Oh, my God.

One time we talked about the same thing to myself.

I swear we might have talked about the injuries to our fingers.

Well, I never talked about this one because I just got it.

Yeah, that's true.

That's true.

That's true.

So we got to chime in with ours.

Any new story is a gateway into old stories.

It's true.

How else are we going to keep the conversation going?

Right.

Plus, we didn't remember each other's story.

Join the conversation.

We'd like to hear from you.

We're doing a talk back after the podcast where we talk about the episode and you guys can view that on youtube.corn.

Oh, speaking of the internet.

Oh, wow.

What a still off Twitter and really.

Oh, my God.

I'm not on.

I don't know.

Both of you quit.

At all.

And I'm so quitter.

It feels great.

It feels good.

It feels great.

You're never going to win that way.

I don't need to win.

I knew I was going to win.

Yeah.

Remember when you could win the internet?

Yeah.

So someone wins it every day.

Someone's crowned king and queen.

Are you going to read Harry's book?

Potter?

Prince.

Prince?

Harry Prince?

The Harry Prince.

It's so funny that his name is Harry and he's losing his hair.

But barely.

Is it

funny?

It's so funny to me.

Anytime he says, hi, I'm Harry, I'm Harry.

I look at the back of his head and and I'm like, I'm so

happy.

He's releasing lots of details on the internet one by one.

A lot of backlash against him.

And I realize I don't care.

I don't care about him.

I don't care about him.

I think Harry, I don't care in a way that's good in that I'll read the book now.

And I won't really care.

I know Jane will read it.

She likes biography.

You know, you know what?

I also enjoy.

Chelsea Devantes has a podcast called Celebrity Book Club that is all celebrity memoirs.

It's kind of great because I like celebrity memoirs, but I don't always want to read them.

And it's like you just get it distilled and it's really fun.

I like John Houseman's.

And I like Charles Groden.

Who's John Houseman?

I didn't know John Houseman had an autobiography.

He has three, I believe.

And the first one is the one that I really love, where he just goes into detail about all of his Orson Welles stuff.

And it's just like all about that.

But John Houseman was, he was,

he created Juilliard, or not created, but I think he was one of the first teachers there, possibly.

And then he worked with Orson Welles in the theater.

And then he, late in life, he was an actor on a show called The Paper Chase.

And he also had a very famous

based on the movie and a very serious,

not serious, but a very famous bit of commercials where he was like, they earn it.

Smith Barney.

Yeah.

What is that?

Is that what it was?

They make money the old-fashioned way.

They earn it.

Amazing.

Yeah.

I think you should explain who Charles Grodin is because I know who that is, but I felt like I made you do a whole explanation on that other guy.

And then other people might have been.

Oh, but who's Charles Groden?

Charles Groden is an actor.

People would know him from Midnight Run Beethoven films.

Clifford is,

which I just saw the other night.

Classic.

The Heartbreak Kid.

You had never seen Clifford?

No, it's one of my favorites.

I saw it opening weekend.

But Martin Short was there.

And did

he talk back to you?

What?

It was like a...

Of course, Martin Short.

This week there was a thing like that?

It was like two weeks ago.

Today?

He was right now.

It was today.

You woke up at 8 a.m.

and went to that.

This happened an hour ago?

Wait, you just saw Martin Shorty.

Wait, you're there right now behind the door.

I wish.

He's in the fireplace.

I wish he would roll out of it like Jiminy Glick.

Wait, Jiminy Glick rolled out of things?

No, but it'd be funny if he did.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I wish you would do that.

He's like, if you did that.

Hey, Marcher, nice to meet you.

What if Jiminy Glick went down a slide?

That would be fucking good.

It would be great.

He should.

He should go play at a park with a kid.

There was, I've told you about this guy before.

There was a local TV host named Captain Noah in Philadelphia.

And his Captain Noah is magical.

Captain Noah.

I mean, that seems like it's already said.

Like, we know he's the captain.

It's like none of the zebras are looking at him and saying, I'm the captain.

He wasn't that Noah.

Oh.

He wasn't that Noah.

And you know what?

No one called that Noah captain, which is a real slap in the face.

That's what I mean.

Because they're like, oh, you're the guy that built the boat.

But I'm also the captain.

He didn't train.

Okay.

No, but a parrot looked at him and said, look at me, I'm the captain now.

That joke.

So I just made that joke.

What joke?

Never mind.

I'm the captain now.

Yeah, I know.

But it was funnier when he said it.

We can all make the same joke over and over.

Okay, but you said it with it, and then you satisfiedly smiled.

Did you say the parrot part?

Yeah, well, no, I said a zebra did it.

Like literally 60 seconds before you said I heard zebra wasn't listening.

Okay, wait, so I was like, wait, I was going to say

you guys were on the boat and you were having this fight.

That's my tune out.

Every time I say zebra, you guys were battling back and forth, and then a horse came over and and said, I'm the captain now.

What if there was a word?

And if she said it would cause you to, somebody said it would cause you to

positive zebra.

No, like, I'm sure that there's a hypnotist.

Oh, you're.

Have you ever seen an actual hypnotist?

I tried to get hypnotized once.

To do what?

Well, on in a show.

To shut the fuck up.

And it didn't take.

No,

I used to go for a Halloween haunt at Knott's Berry Farm.

They had a hypnotist show, and they would take volunteers.

And it was this guy who would get people to do, like, act like a chicken, run around the theater, and all that kind of stuff.

Would he actually do act like a chicken?

Yeah, he would do act like a chicken.

Because it's a classic, and you got to do it.

It was like every

Jenny Jones situation.

Jenny Jones.

Why were they always doing that?

So then I went on stage and I was like, he's like,

he puts you in a trance.

You're just closing your eyes.

But you were in a trance.

I don't know.

I just was acting like it because I was like, let me go along with this.

And then he's like, well, then your arms are as light as balloons.

And, you know, you just sort of raise your arms or whatever.

And then he goes around and taps people on the shoulder who are going to participate in the show.

And I didn't get tapped.

So he must have known that I wasn't or they're all plants and he was tapping out the people.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I saw one once at a comedy club and it was, you know, it's the thing is, you're always thinking, is this real or not?

Yeah.

It's not entertaining because it's just like, is this just fucking funny?

Well, also, also, if you've been pretending like I was to be hypnotized, just hoping to get picked or hoping it stuck or whatever, and they say, act like a chicken, don't you just like go along with it because you're embarrassed, you know, at that point?

But some people would be like so embarrassed to do that that they wouldn't do it.

No, thank you.

You will never catch me acting like a chicken.

I actually don't do that because I eat grey coupon.

You earn it.

All right, we have to take a break.

We'll be right back.

Bye.

Yep.

See you in the quiz.

Pop quiz hot shot.

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And we're back.

And we're back.

Listen, let's get back to these coasters.

I want to get back to Premium Blend.

So these are music-themed, and we will get back to Premium Blend.

Yeah, don't you worry.

I don't.

I don't know.

I apologize.

I can't remember who sent them to me years and years ago yeah but if they're listening

thank you for them there's a rattle and hum one and you i don't know billy joel's the strangler um

do you think that anyone made coasters featuring the coasters i don't think so that would be so disrespectful to them i think i think someone should do it now by the way we're okay so here's a question the coasters yeah what why are they called the coasters that's what i mean are they the roller coasters or are they the coasters you put a glass on it's less cool if they're the coasters you put a glass on.

Are they just people that live

coast?

I think they're people who coast through life.

That's less cool to me, too.

No, I think it makes more sense to make roller coasters or drink coasters.

I think they must be the coasters like

the roller coaster.

Let's look them up.

What do you say?

Sure.

Sure.

I have nothing else to fucking do.

Yeah, I don't care.

I don't care at all.

Because it's got a set.

I don't care.

I may have done Premium Len twice.

You know what?

I bet you did, and I bet I saw it.

I'm not sure.

I used to watch it all the freaking time.

Okay.

I did too.

Do you remember the A-list?

Oh, wait.

What's that?

That was where, like, before they were doing those comedy half hours, that was like long.

It was still a bunch of comedians, but it would be longer sets, I think.

Uh-huh.

It would be like three comedians instead of six or something like that.

Like, imagine a tiny penis and then imagine a big penis.

I can't.

And it's like.

And they're friends.

Yeah.

I can't even.

Okay, I have that.

By the way, it's none of the ones that we.

Not so different.

It's none of the above.

Is it the ones that help you move heavy furniture?

Okay, wait, then let me guess.

It's

oh no, you can't do it.

Got nothing.

You got nothing.

Yeah, they were dubbed the coasters because they went from the west coast to the east coast.

Didn't you say I did say something about the coasters?

Did you say zebra?

And I tuned out.

Yeah, what did you say?

What's the Kim Cattrell?

I like to play Baba Duba Daddy.

And when you Scoobity Dee and you scoobity pow, nobody knows Scoobity Wow.

Why didn't you do that for your characters?

I should have done that.

Oh, I would have filmed the whole thing.

That would be so funny.

All right, well, why are you on your phone?

I've been looking looking to see how many times i did

and i think i only did it once i found i found a database how did you get asked to do it and how much pay did you receive 500

like was it like that kind of thing like it was just like some yeah it's like kind of good hope to get some exposure maybe you'll get out on a late night i don't remember the answer to either of those questions

was it did it feel do you remember if it felt special like you were like oh my god yes yeah it did to be doing on the TV.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

I mean, at that point, I'd already, I'd been doing Mr.

Show.

Uh-huh.

I think I was, I was, I had left the show by that point.

Um, and I'd done like Conan and stuff.

So, but it was like any, I, I was excited to do any stand-up on TV.

Yeah.

What was this?

For example, late Friday, I did a bunch of shows.

Oh, yeah, late Friday.

What was

what?

What was

what was the show Janine hosted?

Oh, shit.

What was the name of that?

It was.

God.

It was like.

It's not even in this list.

Out of bounds.

I don't know.

Out of bounds.

It couldn't have been that.

But that was the one that I was really bummed that I didn't get to do.

Because I got to, I started doing comedy six months too late.

Let me see what the name of that show is.

I never did a separate scene.

I forgot about that show.

So sorry.

Yeah.

I think everything would have been different.

It was literally every single other person in the alternative comedy scene got to do it.

Did you do it?

You must have.

I remember being there, but I don't remember performing.

Really?

Isn't that funny?

Isn't that funny?

Isn't that funny?

And isn't that funny?

It is.

Fuck.

Anyway,

Lauren.

Tell us, what's going on?

How was everyone's holiday?

My holiday was good.

Wow.

No, it feels like a long time ago, but I'm.

Oh, did I tap it?

It's something really personal.

Yeah.

This is really personal.

I told you not to ask

me personal questions.

Comedy product.

Products.

That's exactly what it was yes

um it was good emeralds emerald

bam

you said it we just met her and it was epic well i'd met her before okay i just met her yeah

you really hung her considering you've met her before you could see we had a rapport yeah i could it was she smiled big for both of you she did she was super cutie pie yeah yeah just really amazing yeah she's kind of in the thing where like at two months okay she smiles and now she really wants to stand up Like standing up is her favorite thing where it's like

it's she

likes standing up too.

Assisted, obviously, but she stands up and then and then like looks at you like ha, look at what I'm doing.

And it's so cute the first time.

And then like a month in, that's all she wants to do.

It's like, get some new fucking material.

Like do something new.

Or she can do it unassisted.

That's a whole different thing.

But that's a while off.

What if she refuses to do it unassisted?

She's like, she's over here.

All through school.

Hey, I want want to stay in the bathroom.

Get over here.

That was when I was carrying you.

Jesus.

And I still am.

You have a fucking jerk.

She's so.

I would carry her all throughout high school.

Did she have a good first Christmas?

I would dress really cool, too.

And the students would like me.

And they would think you were out of high school.

You know what?

When I first heard about this, I was like, that sounds stupid.

But then when I saw him, he's pretty cool.

I wish my dad would dress cool and carry me around.

Look at those cool sneakers.

What were you saying, Maury?

Sorry.

Was her first Christmas sneaker?

Those are sharkies.

Yeah, she doesn't.

I mean, she wouldn't remember.

She was, she was religious.

There were, yes, she worshiped.

Was it?

Did he come back?

No, he was born that day.

Because first time.

Oh my god.

Wow.

I think we've gone over that too.

We've talked about the rules of Christmas on this.

What happens on Christmas?

Stays on Christmas.

Yep.

No, it was fine.

There were too many people over here.

I'll say.

And they were really loud in our, and she just was like kind of silent the whole day, eyes wide, and then did not sleep well that night.

Oh, too much.

Did you know I was there?

Uh, no, there were so many people you didn't even see.

I didn't even see you.

Oh, that's so great.

You should have come up and say hi.

Did you guys see me in the windows?

I saw you once.

Okay.

I didn't see you.

I thought you saw me.

Well, if I had my whole mask on,

Lauren, Lauren did my show over Iotopia.

I did, which was really fun.

It was a lot of fun.

What did you do?

I was ho-ho.

And it was really fun.

You could not find your ho-ho costume.

Okay, this pissed me off so much.

And I actually still haven't found it.

And I'm like, what?

Where the fuck did it go?

Maybe Holly threw it in the trash.

Probably.

She's embarrassed.

Well, because you had me take a photo as Ho-Ho for the book.

Yeah.

And Corinne brought me a ELF costume.

And then she was like, you want this?

And I was like, no.

And then she was like, do you?

And I was like, actually, I guess I might as well keep it because you never know when I'll need to wear this costume.

And then you asked.

And literally, like.

A week later, you have to wear it.

I mean, yeah, a couple months.

And then you

asked me to do the show.

And I was like, like, oh, great.

I have the off costume.

I didn't even think about looking for it because I was like, I kind of know where it is in my mind.

You could see it shoved somewhere.

And then

it wasn't there.

And I've been organizing and cleaning obsessively the last week or so, and I still haven't found it.

So I'm weird.

I had a thing like that that went that disappeared.

There's one place that just, and this was years ago, and it just occurred to me it might be in this tiny little crawl space in a closet.

Yeah.

Creepy.

Maybe, but I don't think so because it's like, I don't know.

And you haven't got anything up there.

It's so weird.

No, yeah, because I keep forgetting about it.

Ugh, I hate that.

Anyway, promise us you'll do it first thing and report back.

I want to say your show was so good.

It's so fun.

If people have a chance to go, they should definitely go or watch it on live streams or whatever.

All the existing shows are up on Vimeo right now.

It was such a fun night, and I love the style of the show.

Thank you.

And you had this amazing band, and then there was a musical act that was so good, and everything was just so fun.

And then you did an amazing performance with Nicole Parker that I was freaking out over.

And I was filming it the entire time.

And then you were like, we have a camera curl.

I was like, oh, so you don't want the version of the side of your head that you can't even see yourself.

But it was so good.

I'm so glad that you did this.

Do you want to share what that was or no?

Because I mean, I don't know if people, if you other people can find it, they can see it.

Go find it because it was really fucking good.

If you go to Paul.

I've heard that it's great from Lauren.

I've just tried to search for stuff on Vimeo and I could not find things that I knew were there.

So I don't know if that will work.

But if you go to my website, then you can find it, my live page.

Good investment, that website.

Right?

I remember you were one of the first people back in the 90s.

No.

Yeah.

You were like 1993.

You were like, I think the internet's going to be big.

Scott.

Hmm?

This is not true.

And you're lying.

I'm lying.

I want it to seem cool to you.

Okay, but cool.

Paul, the other day you did say to me, you think the internet's going to be big.

So it does sound like something you would have said.

Were you on like AIM and all that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, hardcore.

I remember AIM.

Did you meet any like friends that you had never met in person?

Well, I've met friends.

I've, I have made many friends on the internet over the years where I, now that's much more common, but I met Lauren Ashley Smith on Tumblr.

Really?

Yeah, I didn't know.

2008.

Oh, um, I searched on Tumblr.

I was very into Tumblr and I searched for

Story Pirates when I joined the theater company and then found that she had a blog and i didn't know her and i just like started following her blog and then um we met at an event and we had been following each other on there and then we were good friends

but um what a story i know it's so fascinating how i told it um

i you know i thought you knew her from as like a child no no oh no we were both adults when they we were we have you met anyone um as a child

no i was kind of in a bubble do you remember

i didn't meet anyone Oh, because you had that disease.

Bubble disease, yeah.

Your bubble disease, bubbles in your blood.

Yeah, where somebody touched you.

When you cut open your hand, you were able to get rid of all the bubbles?

Yeah, the carbonation just spilled out and I kind of floated to the ceiling.

You can't touch me because one of the bubbles might go up to my brain.

What a terrifying thing.

That's so terrifying.

How was your Christmas?

My Christmas was good.

All I could think about was having an injection and then there would be an air bubble in there and it would kill me.

Right.

Oh, that's really scary.

All Christmas?

all christmas all christmas i thought of my fear um injections in my rear making me up me go up here making me go up here

that's ready to make me float to the ceiling what if in willy wonka instead of drinking the

carbonate thing it was like you need an injection up your butt up your butt that's probably what he was doing behind the scenes still an injection

If it goes in the butthole.

Jesus Christ.

I don't know if it's an injection at that.

Yeah, if it's entering your rectum, I don't know if that's an injection.

It's like a hot beef injection.

They call that an injection.

Jesus Christ.

So

I had a nice Christmas in South Carolina.

Very cold there.

I never had to wear a coat there before.

Never?

Christmas, yeah.

I would have thought it'd be chilly.

More in February.

It gets that cold.

And then I went to, the day after Christmas, went to New York to do shows with Amy Mann and Ted Leo.

Wow.

But Ted Leo, the night before the first show, got COVID.

So

that sucks.

And so there was a lot of rejiggering of what the show was going to be.

Because he was going to do like at least one song, right?

He was going to do one song.

And he insisted on it being the alphabet song.

Well, it's public domain.

And he didn't even know the alphabet.

No.

That's why he pretended he got COVID.

He mumbled through so much of it.

You guys do this part.

Now you.

The microphone out.

So there was some like frantic restructuring of the show.

Were there guests who took his place, or did the people already spoke

to do more stuff?

I'd like to answer your question.

Well, I wasn't through with it, and you tried to answer it in the middle because I knew where you were at it.

It's the most obvious question you could ask.

Girls, girls.

So,

uh, so we did figure it out.

There were people that the idea was there was a through line through the show, like a sort of sketch through line through the show.

Oh, which by the way, yeah, so funny that song you sent me.

Oh, good.

Oh my god, it is so funny.

I, at the end of the show, I sing a song in character as Keith Ranieri from the news.

You posted, you posted the costume, that's why I bothered you for the song.

Yeah, yeah, the costume looked amazing.

I was very proud of that.

That was so what did you can you show him?

I i would don't know i've never seen that guy oh

i'm not gonna lie don't no you definitely don't need to show him yeah zebra

you should um

you should

you should watch all of that tonight i'm just gonna go here

I'm too busy watching half of Avatar and turning it off.

I started watching Branson and found it pretty interesting.

I'm only two episodes in.

There was a TikTok by Hal Rudnick where he's in an Avatar costume and he's talking about how avatar people, how the Navi have sex with their hair tendrils and everything.

They mix them together.

Yeah.

And it'll join him together.

The way he's doing it, it's like this perfectly encapsulates why I don't like that world.

Why I think it's dumb.

Right.

They tie their hair to a bunch of stuff and it gives them bonds.

He's just like spelling it out.

And it's like, yep, this is dumb.

I don't like it.

Yeah.

Okay, wait.

So

I desperately want to work with James Chamberlain.

Oh, my God.

I want to be in the new ones, but

I turned this new one off halfway through.

So, wait, Ted.

I wouldn't be in the third one in 50 years.

Did it mess up your whole plot line for the show that he couldn't do?

No,

we got Griffin Newman to play the part of Ted Leo.

Did he pick up on First Ring?

Why?

He's game.

He's game for him.

He's very game to do stuff.

He's very game to do stuff.

Other than getting back to me about

he literally just yesterday emailed about something from three months ago.

Oh, that sounds like me.

That sounds like me.

But it was about his payment for this, for not this show, but the.

Well, then that makes sense.

He waited three months ago.

I think that's nice.

He waited until the new year.

Jesus.

Oh, that fucks up your taxes.

Yeah, fucks up my taxes, Griffin.

So sorry.

I paid you $50,000.

Jesus.

For what?

To be honest, Scott, I wasn't seeing.

What?

Hold on a second.

Okay, that definitely didn't come into my bank account.

Did you do the show?

Actually, yes, I did.

Yes.

What movie was it?

Adams Family.

But she's going to do

Before Sunrise.

Oh, did we talk about that?

Yes, we did.

All right.

But I covered a couple of Ted's songs that he sang with Amy normally.

Which ones?

The both songs?

No, they were Christmas songs.

Fairy Tale of New York.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And have you always sang?

Yes, my family is a very singing family.

Yeah.

Only my little brother cannot sing.

And my mother would insist that he could, and he would say, no, I can't.

Wow.

Yeah.

She would say, all my children can sing.

My brother would say to me, your voice is horrible.

Anytime I would try to sing.

And so I grew up saying, oh, I have a terrible, terrible voice.

My brother said that to me because I was

in the choir, the church choir.

Right, right.

And we knew the choir master.

And he once said, the only reason you're in the choir is because he's mom's friend.

And I believed it for a while.

I believed it for a second

until I was in a musical.

I got cast in a musical, and they were like, Well, you have a solo.

It was like in the angry inch.

Yeah, it was the entire show.

No, but they were like, You have a solo.

I said, Well, can I do it like comedy?

Can I like, I'll do like a fake opera kind of thing?

And they were like, Yeah, sure, try it.

And I just kind of sang what I thought was fake opera.

And they're like, That just sounds like you singing.

And it sounds good.

I was like,

Wait, oh, speaking of the Addams family, yeah, this was New Year's Eve.

Does your family make the Addams family seem like the Manson family?

Do you have an uncle who's a hand?

I don't think he was a relative, right?

But do you have an uncle who's a hand?

Did she just ask a question?

No, I do.

Okay, yes, I do have an uncle who's a hand, but I'm saying the thing was not a relative.

I know

he was a servant.

She means it in the Game of Thrones sense.

That's right.

The end of the game.

Yes.

New Year's Eve, here's what I did because we had a night off.

We did shows.

And Janie wasn't with you at this point.

Janie wasn't at this point.

Now you're doing it.

We did, yeah, you wore me down.

We did shows at City Winery the 28th, 29th, 30th, and January 1st.

So we had New Year's Eve off.

Uh-huh.

Fun.

Here's what I did for New Year's Eve.

Not a goddamn thing.

Same Z's.

I sat in the hotel.

I went out.

I got myself a little, I went to like a nice little grocery store, got myself some food, little snackies, a bottle of wine.

And I went back to the hotel room and I just fucking sat there and I had a great deal.

That's so nice.

And then I watched Wednesday.

Oh, yeah, we've been watching that.

It's fun.

Which people were very divided on it.

And I was like, am I going to hate this?

And I'm like, no, this is fun.

The stuff that's fun in it is really fun.

Okay.

Yeah.

And I watched the new Matilda musical that was

I've heard it's great.

I the girl.

The little girl is so good.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

And it's, I really like that music.

You saw Richie Lawrence.

She's in London.

It's crazy to me when you watch Matilda both on stage and now in the movie.

And I'm like, how do they get so many kids who can dance this well?

That's what we were wondering.

We were like, where did they get from their fine?

They're all in sync.

They're moving so fast.

And it's even crazier when you see it live because it's like, okay, well.

They age out of it after a year and it's been playing for years.

Like, how do you, and they must have understudies and like have to replenish the stock of children.

They keep having to fuck all the time.

I bet that they are just stunting their growth.

Yeah, that's pretty much it to keep them little.

Just feed them cigarettes.

They have to eat a bowl of cigarettes.

Sounds kind of good.

But it's really good.

I'm so hungry for cigarettes right now.

Oh, my God.

I'm starving.

I want some cigarettes.

Did you ever try a cigarette?

No, hold on.

Yeah.

Did you ever try cigarettes?

I tried a cigarette one time when I was 10.

And it was disgusting.

Yeah.

You?

Over the years, like for show or whatever, I think I've tried one, but I did not inhale.

I think it's time to take a break.

Yep.

Bye.

Well, hi, everybody.

It's Julia Louis Dreyfus from the Wiser Than Me podcast.

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This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Hey, guys, come here for a second.

Hollow.

Oh, sure, sure.

What's going on?

Okay, October 10th?

Yeah, coming up on World Mental Health Day.

I was about to say that.

Well, this year for World Mental Health Day, I just wanted to thank all of the therapists out there.

Well, I want to thank my therapist.

She's thebomb.com.

I want to thank the two therapists that I've had over the years.

Okay, great.

Is it like half a thank you to each or a full thank you to both of them?

It's a thank you and a half.

One gets a full thank you and one gets a half.

My therapist celebrates my wins.

She asks me questions to challenge myself.

And she creates a safe space for me to explore who I am and what I want out of life.

And I can even cry with her, which is true.

Wow, you can't do that with either of us.

Nope.

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That's betterh-e-l-p.com slash 3dom.

Hi, everybody.

I'm Paul, and we're back.

We're back, and it's time for a three church.

Sure is, Scott.

And I was explaining to you,

I was explaining during the break that I think Lauren was not listening.

I heard just enough to know that I don't know what it is.

It's something about that song.

Okay.

I was having a phone emergency.

It wasn't nothing.

For an urgency.

It was an emergency you were taking care of on your phone, or it was an emergency having to do with your phone.

I was taking care of it on my phone.

My phone needed to go to the hospital.

It needed a band-aid.

Have you ever been to that American girl store at the gross?

My doll.

My doll

was sent to the doll hospital when I was little.

I had

a broken break.

Not a broke, but in the case.

No, that didn't exist yet, sweetie.

We just had the catalogs and then they opened the store in Chicago, which was extremely exciting.

But before that, I just got them from the catalogs.

When I was in first grade, I had Samantha, and then I got Kirsten.

I called her Kirsten.

Some people say Kirsten, but I called her Kirsten.

But I got pen on my doll, and my mom sent it to the doll household.

I think it was more for the experience of when they come back, they're wearing a gown, they have a balloon, they have like a get well soon.

Do you pay for that?

Yes.

Do you send them in there?

But it's really cute.

You strip them naked.

Yeah, I don't think that's it.

What happens to sun clothes?

I don't think you sunk them.

They gag them.

They burn them.

They bag them for you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it was really adorable.

And I'm very excited.

So this is a sweet thing.

My grandma had bought Holly a bitty baby, which is an American girl baby doll.

They have like this other section

last Christmas.

And my grandma passed away this year, but I saved the doll for this Christmas.

Holly loves it.

It's so cute.

That's really sweet.

Does she hug it?

Yeah.

Did she know what it was?

or was this.

Well, I saved it till now because she can play with dolls now.

She's like, she likes to point out its features.

I guess what I mean is, did she know what the brand was?

She did say, is this authentic beat, bitty baby?

She loves brands.

She said, where's the certificate of authenticity?

She kind of checked it a few times.

And

we held it up to the light.

And I picked it up.

Please keep it in the box so it'll won't lose its value.

Yeah.

Adorable.

Yeah.

Wow.

Very sweet.

Well, this is called Quip It Good submitted by Peach Shell.

Peach Hell?

Peach Hell.

No, Pete.

Pete Schell.

With shoes on?

With shoes on.

And this is based on.

Pete Shell?

Pete Schell?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Oh, Marcel DeShell.

Because I was thinking of these Pete the Cat books that I have, which are a child's book, but I didn't know why you would be talking about it.

I would be talking about Fritz the Cat, the dirty cartoon.

Oh, my God.

So funny.

So funny and so sexy.

Yep.

I love to laugh while having a bonus.

I I don't know.

Have you ever seen it?

I've never seen it.

Probably.

It was like a legendary thing when we were kids that it was like, this cartoon was like rated X.

It was a rated X movie.

That's so, that's so 90s.

Yeah.

That's so 90s.

Although this was the 80s.

But people don't say anything is rated X now.

They just go, it just is.

No.

Yeah.

Do you remember finding out that triple X is meaningless?

Like, there's no, there's no degrees of X.

Well, there should be double X.

This is so filthy.

Because there are no movies that are double X.

So that's a real hole in the market that I think is an opportunity.

Do you think there were?

And then somebody else was like, well, put another X on there.

I'm not going to let this guy beat me.

Maybe

to complete

porno theaters.

Like gimbals and Macy's.

All right.

So Miracle on 34th Street rated X.

Ew.

I watched that for Christmas.

There's no sex, but you do see Santa's penis.

That's fine.

He's getting changed.

Ew, it's just flaccid.

Okay, so Quip It Good.

This is based on the cold open of a CSI type show before the opening credits.

Well, it's based on that show.

Yeah, it's based on that.

CSI type show.

It's CSI.

Like Quincy.

Yeah, where two of us will play police officers and the third player plays the lead detective.

There's a dead body lying in front of them and

the lead detective gets there later after the two police officers have, I guess, secured the crime scene.

Then the two police officers describe how the murder was committed and what the clues are.

And once enough exposition has been given, the lead detective then tries to cap off the scene with one a one-line quip, which sums up the crime that we just described.

And I'll play a who song when that happens.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

So

I'm no good at these.

So why don't why doesn't Paul be the lead detective?

Great.

And then so there's a...

There's a detective.

Yeah, and we are the two police officers.

So I'm arriving on the scene.

You're filling me in on what happened.

And then I will use this information to craft the perfect quip.

I love that.

It's a lot of pressure on you, and I'm glad that you just

jumped right in.

Dave Crusoe did it like 170 times.

Yeah, well, he didn't write a single one of them, did he?

No, those are the only things that he wrote.

Oh, that shows still happening?

No.

Oh, I mean,

not Miami.

Oh, no.

I think there's like 100 branches of that.

No, the regular one they did for Paramount Plus.

So he's just done.

Dave Crusoe?

Dave Crusoe.

He must be rich as hell.

But I mean,

I'm not saying he's broke.

Yeah, he's not

done acting.

Probably.

I mean, he never seemed to like it that much in the first place.

He made everyone hate him.

Like, people despise him.

I don't know anything about him except for the taking his glasses off and saying something.

Well, he was really good on

NYPD Blue.

He'd just been bumming around doing bit parts, and then he got the lead in NYPD Blue and was really imposing and like really good in it.

And he did one season, was like, I'm going to be a movie star.

Goodbye.

I quit and everyone's like, you can't quit.

And there was a standoff.

Then he quit and he did two movies and neither of them were hits and he was done.

Yeah.

But then he did a thousand seasons of TV where he's not done.

Apparently when he shot his last scene, he of NYPD Blue,

when he was done, he walked out of the building, did not say goodbye to anyone.

That's so crazy.

That's the dream.

I want to do that for this show.

Do you know how insane?

I'm going to do it today, but do you know how insane that would feel after that many years?

Well, he only did one year of that show.

I think that also,

actually,

Manny Patinkin was on Criminal Minds in the first season or two, and then he left.

Two seasons, yeah.

Yeah, and it was like the day of the table read of the next season, and he was driving across the country in the opposite direction.

They were like, Manny, where are you?

I was like, I'm driving to New York.

He didn't tell anyone.

He didn't tell anybody who was crazy.

Yeah.

I don't know.

But he was going through some problems at the time.

We want our actors to be crazy, don't we?

We want it.

We love it.

No.

I mean, not if I'm working with them.

All right.

Fun to hear stories.

Terrible to do.

Experience.

Yes.

All right.

What do we got here?

Oh, sir.

We didn't know you were coming.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I'm so starstruck.

Oh, my God.

I'm so starstruck.

Oh, my God.

What are you talking about?

Wait, can I take a selfie with you?

Maybe later, but.

Wait, wait, wait, I'll take the picture of you two, and then you take the picture of me and him.

Let's do pictures after.

Okay.

But first.

But you promised.

Don't forget, and don't let me get away from here without asking him again.

You remember last time when we met

that guy,

Weird Al?

I remember when Weird Al investigated one of these crimes and I met him, and I didn't want to.

You never should have let that happen.

I know, because it got so weird.

We really caught him.

Someone was murdered with a rubber chicken.

It was just, we were like, let's call it.

No, I get it.

Retrospectively.

I shouldn't have done it.

Okay, wait, but that was the worst part.

I'm just so excited to be here.

First of all, you are much taller than I thought.

You look so small on Instagram.

I know.

Well, what I do is I put the camera really far away.

Okay, so it's a camera trick.

Because I am seven.

It's physical illusions.

Yeah.

So the camera's far, and then everything in your house is really big?

No, they're just close to the camera.

Got it.

Okay, because I thought you were having.

And how do you have the light?

Do you have a ring light or what is that?

I have ring lights all over the place.

Not even just in your house, like in public?

Oh, I have them stashed all over the city.

That's good.

So when you're buying groceries, you look hot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, we have a pretty rough scene here.

Pretty rough scene.

This is

50 people were murdered.

This was a birthday party where a mermaid performer was

crawling out from the ocean.

This is kind of standard.

Obviously, we're on the beach right now.

Yeah, obviously.

She crawled out from the ocean.

She

was in her performance.

It was supposed to be like she was supposed to take her legs off, her fishtail off, and say, look, I have legs.

The curse is broken.

And she couldn't get her legs off.

Yeah, and um, her fit, her fin.

She couldn't get it off, so she was thrashing around.

That's all we have.

We see this whole scene of 50 people dead, and and we have this eyewitness account of the mermaid, the mermaid's still with us, yeah, she's still alive.

And she told us up to that, and we said, Hold on, just stop right now.

Just stop right there.

We need to bring in because we are, I'm already, I said, I'm lost.

I said, obviously, every

person who's dead, you can see the obvious clues here.

There's the, each person is holding a cracker for the crabs to

crack open crabs.

They also all have their phones on video.

And so I think they all recorded.

They were all recording something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So they were, well, this was a party to celebrate the turtles being hatched.

Do you know how that happens on the beach?

Of course they do.

Okay.

So the mermaid was going to come out, bring the turtles into, or, you know, help escort them into the water.

And then all these people were filming that.

And then mayhem ensues.

Yeah, as far as we know.

Yeah.

Is now the time to ask about pictures?

Or no.

Because I'd love a selfie.

Give me one second.

Okay.

Looks like what we got here is a wave.

Hold on a second.

You need another take?

No, no.

We can leave and come back.

No, no, no.

Stay right there.

Stay right there.

Okay.

I wonder if they played any music at this party by the Pixies because it looks like what we got here is a wave of mutilation.

It's just easy to scream.

I can't find the yeah.

Where does the yeah happen?

How far into the song?

This is already 30 seconds into the song.

Well, maybe it's at the beginning.

Is that the beginning?

No, because all it is is like this beep beep beep beep.

Hold on.

Well, don't skip because you're going to skip the yeah.

We have to listen.

Listen to 80 minutes long.

It must have been

at the very end.

We did it!

We did it!

Yeah!

Okay, let's just do it ourselves.

It's maybe after

the big instrumental section.

Look up where does the yeah happen.

There also happens.

There it is.

Wasn't that it?

I thought I heard it.

Look up where does the yeah happen?

Yeah, just Google that.

That'll make sense.

Won't get fooled.

Well, you do it, CSI.

I won't get fooled again.

Where does the yeah happen?

How do I not get fooled again by this?

I'm sure there's, it's got to be isolated on YouTube as well.

Yeah!

Well, there's a lyric video.

I guess I can scan that.

Let's just do another one and you just play whatever part of the song you have.

Yeah, exactly.

Okay.

I think it'll be fun.

All right.

Who's the copist?

Who's the

detective?

Executive.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

So I said to her, if you don't like it, why don't you kick me out?

And she did.

She did.

Gentlemen, I'm here.

Oh, hello, sir.

Thank you.

Ma'am.

Nope, you had to write the first time.

Sir?

Sir, ma'am.

Your majesty, thank you for being here.

Yes,

what do we got going on, boys?

What do we got?

Well, Your Majesty, it's pretty grisly, as you can see.

Yeah, there's, obviously, there's two dead bodies here.

Two Vicks, as we call them.

Two Vicks.

I call call them that too.

We put the chalk outline around there, and then I added like a thought bubble saying, oh, no.

Yeah, and sort of a comic strip box around it.

I'm going to add to that.

There's four panels.

Yeah.

We wanted to make a story.

So if you walk over here.

Oh, funny.

That's over.

That's actually very funny.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

So I don't know.

We're just trying to get into the paper.

I think that's good.

But what do we think happened?

Well,

I mean, obviously, they're both dead.

Yeah.

That's

holding hands.

You bumbling

morons.

When I say, what do you think happened?

You both say how high.

You both.

Try us again.

Try us again, please.

What do you think happened?

How high?

All right.

They're holding hands in middle school girls.

I see that, obviously.

In their other hands, they have notes that say, I don't like you.

Yeah.

And they're dressed, obviously, as garbage men.

So

and there's garbage strewn all around them.

We don't know if they're garbage men or whether, is it Halloween today?

And they have a name tag that says just garbage.

Yeah.

So, and then one of them has a name tag that says garbage.

The other one has a name tag that says man.

Okay.

And we found their feet in this trash can.

Yeah.

Someone has cut off the Vic's feet.

thrown them away in the trash can.

So they don't have feet anymore.

But the perpetrator, the perp, I guess we call them sometimes.

I'm trying to get Traitor going.

The Traitor, yeah, yeah, like Traitor Vicks.

Oh, or Trader Joe.

That's why it's not catching on

or Benedict Arnold.

Perpetrator victim.

But

the perpetual,

I would have thought the perpetrator.

That's why you are the detective.

Hey, that wasn't even my big out.

Yeah.

Never said it was.

But they didn't take the feet with them.

They threw them in the trash.

Right over there.

Right over there.

Huh.

Sounds like some.

Hold on.

Was the hold on the cue?

Hold on.

Sounds like somebody stinkies on the rotten.

You just kind of went, hey!

Hi!

I'm still here.

I know it's been an instrumental for a while.

Don't forget about me.

God, I don't make no sense.

All right.

I'll try one.

All right, your turn.

Okay, so we're the cops, Paul.

Hi.

Do you, we work together, right?

Yeah.

I know I'm new.

I'm new.

My name's Lisa.

Yes, Lisa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we're working together.

I was assigned this.

I'm Timothy.

Hi.

Hello.

Oh, my God.

Hello, sir.

Sorry.

We didn't see you standing over there.

You're so coquettish.

Oh, I'm shocked.

You look like Michael Jackson.

Do you ever get that?

Do you see my socks?

Do you

live?

Do people say you have a celebrity to look like?

People constantly tell you to look like Michael Jackson.

Because you do.

And I can't tell if it's because you've done so much with plastic surgery that you've kind of deleted your face.

It just is the COVID mask.

Oh,

okay.

Here, let me take this off.

Sir.

Ah!

You look like Eliza Minelli.

Okay.

Hey, what happened?

Okay.

Well, yeah, it's good.

It's not good.

There was a murder, I think.

A murder?

So, well, he's

going to be a good person.

I can throw you under the bus, but you've been on your phone.

You weren't really paying attention to what happened here.

And you walked up and asked if you were working together.

So I kind of feel you haven't really assessed the scene.

I was looking up what constitutes a murder.

Okay.

Well, I think dead people laying in the streets.

What's the difference between manslaughter and murder?

Manslaughter is if

somebody was laughing while they did it because it's manslaughter.

It's laughter.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

So, as you can see,

you know how we have in our our quaint little town, these little

near the parking spots, there are these little horse,

you know,

where in the past

you would have tied a horse to one of these things.

You know what I'm talking about?

What are they called?

We've never been able to find out in this town.

Jerome?

This is the exact same conversation we have every year.

They're called Jeromes, aren't they?

They're called Jerome's.

Yeah.

So yeah, we have these Jeromes and

these four have been ripped out and they're attached to ropes that are attached to horses that are laying dead.

Sorry, you gotta,

it's not gonna get any better.

They're laying dead over there.

You got a tough horse.

And this man here seemed to have been riding the horse, but he got clotheslined by a bar that we believe somebody put there.

That somebody was using his bar as a clothesline, yeah.

Because there's still some shirts on it.

A clothesline?

We'll put a pin in him because he's done.

That was perfect.

I think we nailed the whole game.

I found it.

Wow.

You found it.

Yeah.

Well, next, send it to us for next time.

Yeah.

Where was it?

It's a live version.

Oh.

It's not that good.

It's not as good as the other one.

That was good.

We'll find it.

We have a studio one.

Yeah.

I think we nailed it with whatever we had.

We did the best with whatever we had.

We did the best we could.

I think we did great.

Yeah.

I feel great about it.

I think we did great.

I love us.

Don't worry about it.

My wife loves us.

I love mine, curvy wife.

What if that guy up to?

What if he was like, guys, I've changed everything?

I'm hating curvy wife.

I feel like he probably has made millions from being that somehow.

And like, it just feels like people parlay shit into shit.

If he made millions, that would really bother me.

Yeah.

I don't think he did.

Well, guys, we got to go.

Remember, if you want to submit your own three chairs, write to us.

Is that how they do it?

Yeah.

Three from USA gmail.

Write to me, Stick Stickly, P.O.

Box 963, New York City, New York State, 10108.

Now, Stick Stickly was a newscaster.

He was.

Yeah.

He delivers.

In the Chicagoland area?

No, it was a Nickelodeon thing.

He was a...

He did the news for Nickelodeon.

He was a popsicle stick.

And he didn't necessarily deliver news.

He talked to people who weren't.

He was a lot of a curse to be a popsicle stick.

I think ultimately that did come out in the tell-all.

He was.

It did come on TV when the Pope got shot.

Yeah.

I'm the only one up at this late hour.

His sticks don't sleep.

Oh, hell no, they don't.

And that can get really annoying when you're dating one.

Lauren, it sounds like you're speaking from experience.

If you want to call us, it's HaHa LaInpu.

Yeah, of course.

And even, I think we also figured out that wasn't even right.

Yeah, I think so.

I don't know.

And then we didn't do anything further about it.

But I think if you can find the number, you can call us, and that's how we keep it elite.

Yeah.

Follow us at Threedom USA

on Instagram.

And if you want to hear ad-free episodes, you can do it at Stitcher Premium or on CBB World.

It's so true, Beth.

Amazing.

I wouldn't lie to you.

So, thank you for listening.

We love you.

And we'll be back next week with more Threedom.

Bye.

Bye, piss pigs.

Oh, we love you, Piss Pigs.

Oh, my little piss pigs.

Wheeling around in the piles of urine.

Bye.

In a pool of your own urine.

Urine.

every caregiving journey is unique, but the isolation, guilt, and exhaustion we all feel, that's universal.

It's reality, it's life.

You know, I wish it could all be happy and joyous, but sometimes it's full of rage, and that is what it is.

That's why this show exists, to be a safe place for caregivers to land.

Listen to Squeezed, wherever you get your podcasts.