I’m Just Trick or Treating for My Son

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Speaker 1 Threedom!

Speaker 1 Freedom!

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, man. Yeah, bro.

Speaker 2 To be honest, I didn't didn't fully yell.

Speaker 1 No, what's going on? Yeah, what's going on? Lauren? Threeda.

Speaker 1 That was like

Speaker 1 you were falling off a cliff. Yeah.
Threeda.

Speaker 1 Oh, can you imagine if you fell off a cliff and that's what you yelled? I hope that's what happens to me. That would be the saddest last word.

Speaker 1 I don't want to yell that. I mean, I love you guys.
I don't want that to be my last word because I fall off a cliff. Well, even if I don't want that at all.

Speaker 1 Even if I don't fall off a cliff, I want to bring my loved ones close and say, I have one last thing to say: freedom. Yeah.
Well, that's funny.

Speaker 2 I mean, that would be really funny if you were like on your deathbed.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Freedom, child.

Speaker 2 And then we'd be like, Why did he want to say that right at the end?

Speaker 1 I'm imagining I'm talking about great-grandchildren. Oh, which, of course, I'm never going to get to see.
Damn. Jesus.

Speaker 1 Great-grandchildren? How would I ever get to see? I doubt I'll ever get to see grandchildren. Hey, what? I mean, Emmy could turn out wrong and she could have a child at 14.

Speaker 1 And that would be wrong to you?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You'll be incorrect.

Speaker 2 You went really low with it. Because I think Sky will probably live longer than that.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't say to see great-grandchildren, because then

Speaker 1 Emmy's daughter would also have to be

Speaker 1 a teenager. Do you really think I'm going to live 28 more years?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I hope so.

Speaker 1 That's not crazy.

Speaker 1 it's not crazy, but what are you? It's not likely, but it's not crazy. What are you? I would, that would double my age.

Speaker 1 What? Do you ever think about how long

Speaker 1 do you do you feel like you have a sense of how long you're going to live? I, my grandparents

Speaker 1 always like they were all in their 90s when they passed away. So I've always kind of felt like, oh, that might be what's going down for me, but I don't really know.

Speaker 2 Similar over here,

Speaker 2 but I do think, what do you think, Paul? Because I mean, I think we've talked about dying a lot on this show.

Speaker 1 And we're going to talk about it more.

Speaker 1 We're not done talking about it yet. No, what do you

Speaker 1 tell you when we're done talking about dying when we die? Damn.

Speaker 1 Hopefully, the last episode, just in case one of us dies unplanned, can't be

Speaker 1 knock on wood.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Paul, any sense? Well, my... Any sense?

Speaker 2 What are you getting?

Speaker 1 What are you thinking?

Speaker 1 I'm seeing a J. Is there a J? July.
You're going to die in July.

Speaker 1 My family's not super long-lived. My oldest grandparents, my grandmothers, made it to their 80s.

Speaker 1 Nice.

Speaker 1 I see myself being an old man, though.

Speaker 2 I see that for you.

Speaker 1 I see myself being an old man. I see that for you constantly.

Speaker 2 Can I say I just was organizing something?

Speaker 1 Nothing. Okay.

Speaker 2 Since Since we were a little delayed starting, I had a little time to organize in this room that I'm in. And I found this paper that was from when I, when I had a reading with a,

Speaker 2 what was her title? Energy healer or like something

Speaker 2 spiritual.

Speaker 1 Snake oil salesman. Well,

Speaker 2 and it was recommended by a friend. And, you know, every once in a while, I'll enjoy a little woo-woo activity.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, the older I get, the less I want to do that at all. Yeah.
But anyway, I did that. So the paper was from about, I think, 2021 or 2022.

Speaker 2 And I had jotted down my notes of all the things she said for my future. And I will just tell you that none of it was true.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 And so it's kind of fun to see that and go like, well, that was bullshit.

Speaker 1 I think that is fun.

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 it's fun to imagine that person doing it to so many other people. I mean, who really believe in it.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 The question is, how often do you check back to kind of check the tabs on that?

Speaker 1 A lot of times it's just to like to give you encouragement of like, hey, everything's going to be all right or whatever.

Speaker 2 No, and I think there's value in that. And I think there was some stuff she said that I was like, definitely made me feel peaceful at the time or, you know, at ease.

Speaker 1 Coolab made me go.

Speaker 1 Coolab made me go one time and, and conversely, everything turned out

Speaker 1 to occur. Oh.

Speaker 1 Because she was like, I'm going to validate your parking. You're going to get in your car and go home.
Unless it's all happening. Then you're going to go to lunch.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 it still never made me want to go back.

Speaker 1 But it was kind of interesting to see

Speaker 1 the opposite where it's like, oh, wow, everything actually came to pass.

Speaker 2 Some people are very talented at that. I don't know where this woman is to this day.
And also, you know what?

Speaker 2 I will say it was on Zoom, which I just think you're not really getting my energy through Zoom. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 You know, it's just.

Speaker 1 They should make a setting on Zoom for

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 There was a whole plotline on and just like that where she's just like energy healer on Zoom and she's getting wallpaper installed and everyone's being loud.

Speaker 2 She can't get a signal.

Speaker 1 The best part of that is that they, we never see,

Speaker 1 we're not shown the psychic on and just like that. We just see like over her shoulder, she's looking at Carl.

Speaker 1 We just hear her voice. Hold her.

Speaker 1 You see her bra. You just see a zoom in her bra

Speaker 1 hanging hanging over the shower.

Speaker 1 Two boulders in it. And then they finally reveal this person.
You're like, oh my God,

Speaker 1 obviously they're setting this up for a big reveal. Who's this going to be? And then it was Susie Esmond.

Speaker 1 It's like, okay.

Speaker 1 She's part of the HBO family.

Speaker 2 It did feel like we could have seen her from the beginning. Yeah.
And that would have been better actually for the acting.

Speaker 1 It's not like it was like Charlize Therone or like a huge movie star. It was someone whose show just ended three months prior.
Yeah, right. Dame Judith Dench.
Right. You call her Judith?

Speaker 1 Well, I've never met her. Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Have you ever had that experience? Um, meeting a celebrity and then like you go from like saying their full name to just saying their first name, and it's kind of like that's weird.

Speaker 2 I like you guys, you always think of them as their full name.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I, the, the gentleman who played my father on uh the comedy bang bang TV show,

Speaker 1 uh, Dave Thomas from SC TV.

Speaker 1 I love Dave Thomas.

Speaker 1 I always called him Mr. Thomas, and he was always like pleading with me, call me Dave, call me Dave.
And I was like, I just can't.

Speaker 1 You know, it's like when someone you respect from a different generation, you're talking to them, it's just like very difficult for me to like, just go, hey, Dave, what's going on?

Speaker 1 You know, so totally. You know, I did a show that was a,

Speaker 1 I hosted a roast of Dave Foley for his 50th birthday. This is a few years ago.
It was fun. And yeah, it was a lot of fun.
And Dave Thomas was there. And I was very excited.

Speaker 1 Yes, it was a haunted roast.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That's a great idea for a TV show, The Haunted Roast, where like comedians.

Speaker 2 The ghost roast.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. The comedians now roast historical figures.
And they're AI. They did do that.
They did. Oh, okay.
They did do that. Or were they AI?

Speaker 1 They were not AI. Well, this is different, though.
That's different. They were just assholes in costumes.
And, of course, they were just read to filth by the Roastmaster, Jeff Ross. Red to

Speaker 2 absolute filth from. He's on Broadway now.

Speaker 1 They were gagging for it. What?

Speaker 2 Or isn't he? I think he has a Broadway show.

Speaker 1 Jeff Ross. The Roastmaster.
General.

Speaker 1 I think he is

Speaker 2 Take a Banana for the Road.

Speaker 1 Might be off Broadway. Give it a googs.
Let's find out. Maybe it's in hell.

Speaker 1 No. No, I think it's on Broadway.
I think it's on Earth, actually. Is it in Riyadh?

Speaker 1 It's off Broadway in Riyadh.

Speaker 1 That's off, off, off Broadway.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so

Speaker 1 Dave Thomas,

Speaker 1 you know, was complimenting me and I was very excited. And then he asked for my email address and then he emailed me a couple times to jip jab things with you dancing.

Speaker 1 What if every single person is a real hero boner killer?

Speaker 1 I was like, oh, I thought this guy was cool.

Speaker 1 And he wanted to get lunch. And I just kind of never really

Speaker 1 responded because

Speaker 1 this has happened to me so many times when

Speaker 1 Somebody that's cool or famous or whatever,

Speaker 1 they show some kind of interest in me. And then I get so freaked out that I shut down.
And I'm sure to these people, I'm like the rudest fucking person. Like, yeah, that guy fucking ghosted me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, who is this guy to do that? You should write him back now. I'm the famous one.
Yeah, I should write him back now. I should write him all back now.
Especially as no, I'm actually available now.

Speaker 1 He never gave me his email address, and he was on probably seven episodes of my show.

Speaker 2 He didn't want direct contact, you know.

Speaker 1 I just hate

Speaker 1 was there drinking at your show?

Speaker 1 No, I guess not. Yeah, that might have been the crucial difference.

Speaker 1 That's funny.

Speaker 1 But, you know, email, snafus, and gaffes. These are the things.
That's my new show.

Speaker 1 DeClark and Pollock Tompkins email snafus and gaffes.

Speaker 1 That's right. And the emails are not snafus or gaffs.
It's just emails. Then we also do snafus and gaffs.

Speaker 1 So a long part of the show is just reading email chains back and forth. Yep.
Forwarded from your grandparents. Yeah.
Cool.

Speaker 1 Oh, speaking of which, I have another installment for

Speaker 1 restaurant roundups. Oh, thank God.
Okay.

Speaker 2 They left you alone for too long.

Speaker 1 This I just discovered in my photos. I was going through my photos trying to clean things up.

Speaker 1 What do you mean by clean things up? Like get

Speaker 1 some of the photos or like some photo that I don't need anymore. This is 99% dick pics.

Speaker 1 Yeah, screen up a lot of my own dick pics. It's like these are double

Speaker 1 screenshots.

Speaker 1 All right. By the way, I also, I also, speaking of this, I know, speaking of, but on topic, Instagram, whenever you upload a picture, it makes a double of the picture.
I don't like that.

Speaker 1 No, it doesn't.

Speaker 1 I think it does. That's a setting.
It uploads a double of the picture? It like saves a, it saves a

Speaker 1 picture to your phone.

Speaker 1 that is a setting yeah you can change that setting oh shit i gotta figure out how to do that that's not a good setting why don't you figure that out why would why would anyone want that like you're already uploading the picture you have it already i don't understand okay go ahead paul

Speaker 1 you're cleaning up your pics

Speaker 1 i guess it's for those weirdos that take a picture directly to instagram oh when you open instagram to post something it opens up the camera and it's like come on man what do you think i'm doing yeah i'm just gonna like raw dog this yeah I'm not going to like give it.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to set up the composition or, you know.

Speaker 1 All right. This is from February of 2023.
Whoa. I'm going to say maybe there's a chance we've discussed this before.
Okay. Can't wait.

Speaker 1 If it starts to feel familiar, stop me. Can we put this in historical perspective before you

Speaker 1 do this? Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 1 And just see what was going on in the world.

Speaker 1 Yes. A young Joe Biden was the president of the United States.
Well,

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 Lebanese liquidity crisis was occurring. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 There was an everything must go.

Speaker 1 The first couple of days of the month, there was an ice storm in Texas. Lebanon had it going out of business.

Speaker 1 There was the Western Australian radioactive capsule incident was happening.

Speaker 2 Capsule.

Speaker 1 Not the capsule. That's the way to say it.

Speaker 1 Eight construction workers were, eight souls were killed near Sevasto, Stevestpo,

Speaker 1 Sevastopol, Crimea, in an overnight fire. So, this a lot of stuff was going on, Paul.
So, I can only imagine, like, in your mind, all every, it was a tumult, what was happening. Yes, all of that.

Speaker 1 I was thinking about all of that, holding it in my heart. And then this happens? Okay.
Okay, let's hear it. All right.

Speaker 1 Someone writes to me and opens with, Hi. I write back, hey, is it it Jack?

Speaker 1 Go for Jack.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? I'm talking about sex, baby. I'm talking about you and me.

Speaker 1 This is not good.

Speaker 1 Who are you?

Speaker 1 People call me the not good man.

Speaker 1 Who are you, dear?

Speaker 1 Why call you a bad guy? My name is Julia. And you?

Speaker 1 I am not a bad guy. I am the not good man.

Speaker 1 My name is Jack and Goodman. Why do people call you Julia? This is my name.
Hmm. This makes almost too much sense.

Speaker 1 Maybe, where are you from? Good question. I think so.

Speaker 1 I've been a wild rover for many a year and I've spent all my money on whiskey and beer.

Speaker 1 So now you're drunk? Don't judge, Judy.

Speaker 1 Drinking is not good for your health. I wish I'd heard that 10 minutes ago.
Okay.

Speaker 1 thank you. You're welcome.
Everyone should cherish their own body.

Speaker 1 What makes you such a wreck? That's an amazing question.

Speaker 1 I have treated my body like a ragdoll that fell in the mud. I guess because of emotions.
I wish I were like the famous robot, Roomba.

Speaker 1 Maybe you can live a different way. Like in a tree?

Speaker 1 At least you have to give up alcohol,

Speaker 1 but I can still enjoy alcohol candies, right?

Speaker 1 Without being drunk, I think it's okay. Oh, then no deal.
I like to eat alcohol candies

Speaker 1 until I start singing the alphabet.

Speaker 1 Well, I won't bother you anymore. It's no bother.
I have lots of time since I got in the lifeboat.

Speaker 1 The end.

Speaker 1 That's good.

Speaker 1 So I love these because quite often they give up on you instead of like trying to it feels so good when they give up on you. Yeah.
When they're like, oh, and they don't, they don't get mad.

Speaker 1 Like, it's funny when you, as soon as you mention a scam, then they get so angry. It's like, fuck you, you are a devil.
Right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I had one where they called me recently and I was expecting like a call from a weird number because of some customer service thing.

Speaker 2 And they were like, they were like, hello, it's like they were like, hello, it's Michael from the Treya Bank.

Speaker 2 And I was like, from the what like from the trea bank i was like from the treya bank and they were like yep and they kind of like almost laughed and then i was like that's not a bank you're a scam and then i hung up but have we talked about this because like my dad like got mad at them recently and was like getting really into like talking back to them on the phone

Speaker 2 and i was like telling mike like oh my god my dad's like not letting it go with these guys i mean whatever he but he's having fun with it you know and then i was doing the same thing and mike was like you're literally doing that I was like, you're a scam.

Speaker 1 This is a scam. Don't call me.

Speaker 1 I guess I'm an old man. But of course, this is probably people who are forced to do this

Speaker 1 and who have been enslaved.

Speaker 2 Do you think that that's true?

Speaker 1 Hey, man.

Speaker 1 We're trying to have a fun time here. Oh, that's right.
That was right.

Speaker 2 I never thought of it that way.

Speaker 1 And you're wasting their time, which that they're going to be punished for later.

Speaker 2 They're going to be punished for that.

Speaker 1 Well, now that didn't fall for it.

Speaker 1 I don't think it's fair either, but it's

Speaker 1 supposed to fall for it to help them. No, no, I think you're not supposed to even respond because.

Speaker 2 Well, when they call me and talk to me, I'm going to talk back.

Speaker 1 I like getting phone calls. So, hey,

Speaker 2 I'll pick up

Speaker 1 the wrong guy.

Speaker 1 You love it. You'll pick up any phone anywhere, right, Paul? Oh, my God, yes.

Speaker 1 Obviously, the best is when a payphone's just ringing on the sidewalk. Oh, I love it.
You pick it up, and then you get ensnared in some weird.

Speaker 1 That's a story where you have to kill somebody within 20 minutes. Yeah, that's so fun.
Yeah, that's so fast. Yeah, it's too fast.
It's really too fast. They're asking a lot.

Speaker 2 You weren't even thinking about it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can't psychologically work up to this.

Speaker 1 It would be funny to do a movie like that, you know, where it's the idea is like it's in real time, but the amount of time is so short, but you just keep keep pretending like

Speaker 1 all this is happening within 20 minutes.

Speaker 2 Right. It's an hour and a half.

Speaker 1 And if it's in real time, it stars Bill Maher.

Speaker 2 Everything that's in real time stars Bill Maher.

Speaker 1 Paul is so defeated.

Speaker 1 Just hearing that person's name. I didn't expect to hear that name today.

Speaker 2 So some days you do expect it.

Speaker 1 Here's what I, oh, yeah. You'd wake up.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm going to hear Bill Maher's name today. I wake up with a start.

Speaker 1 I'm going to hear Bill Maher.

Speaker 1 I think that

Speaker 1 it's funny when you see online somebody, you know, because every once in a while, somebody shares a dumb fucking thing that Bill Maher said that's supposed to provoke outrage. And then

Speaker 1 you read in the comments, there's somebody who's just catching on to the fact that he sucks. They're like, I was a fan for a long time, but not anymore.
I was a fan until late 2024.

Speaker 1 You held on for that long?

Speaker 2 I think I actually know people who are surprisingly tuned into everything he's doing, whether they agree or not. They just want to hear it.

Speaker 1 Do they write on his show?

Speaker 1 All right. We have to take a break.
No. I'm sorry, Paul.
We have to take a break. I was taking a break.

Speaker 2 I was warming up.

Speaker 1 Okay, bye.

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Speaker 1 And we're back. I know.

Speaker 2 I did not know, but now I do.

Speaker 1 Now you know, yeah. The more you know.
You would have told Lauren if you'd told me.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't have minded I had to.

Speaker 1 Paul, you were away from the mic there for a while, would you say? I walked away

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 it was getting too heated. Paul, it was

Speaker 2 how's your epoxy situation?

Speaker 1 Oh, Lauren, I'm so glad you asked because

Speaker 1 it arrived finally. Oh, boy.
And it looks.

Speaker 2 You know, you were worried that the sizing was off.

Speaker 1 I was worried the sizing was off. When I looked at it, I thought, this thing looks gorgeous.
And it's also two inches too short.

Speaker 1 And it is?

Speaker 1 Yeah. But at that point, she said, we were just like,

Speaker 1 the guy started offering solutions. And we were like, I tell you what, we'll figure this out on our own.

Speaker 1 I think our journey has come to an end. What were some of of the solutions?

Speaker 2 Do you remember you saw a texted picture?

Speaker 1 He was going to put something like a backsplash on the back of it.

Speaker 2 But you saw a texted picture from him and you thought, that doesn't look right. Did you say, are the proportions correct?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 And then his response was, those are the proportions that you

Speaker 1 gave him the measurements of the space.

Speaker 1 And then we, he, and then the plywood piece was taken from us by his assistant.

Speaker 2 Then he said,

Speaker 1 ripped from our hands. From your cold dead hands.

Speaker 1 And then he said, Yeah, but these are the, this is the size of the plywood. And I said, yeah, but we gave you the measurements.
And you could have told us,

Speaker 1 hey, just so you know, this plywood does not fit the measurements that you gave. And you must have.
And then we could have stopped you there and said, don't do it then.

Speaker 1 But he did it. And I knocked money off the, you know, I bargained him down.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 have to understand the whole time,

Speaker 1 Janie feels very guilty because she was the one who found this guy. Oh, and she thought, this is all my fault.
This is all fucked up. It's my fault.
I said, no, it's not your fault.

Speaker 1 It's like, this guy's not good at doing business.

Speaker 1 And then after I, I took, I got him to knock $200 off the price. And then I told that to Janie.
And she said, Oh, but I mean, you know, he's all by himself. He just works on this stuff.

Speaker 1 I'm like, what? What?

Speaker 1 did it wrong. Don't make me feel bad now.

Speaker 1 But he did it wrong. And he was bummed that I was asking for a discount.

Speaker 1 And then I was like, I've been thinking about it ever since. Should I just give the guy the extra $200?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 I hate that kind of thing where it weighs on you forever.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 2 especially when it's like, oh, should I, it often has to do with money, I feel.

Speaker 1 For a guy who's bad at business. To own a business, like that, that's incompatible.

Speaker 1 He should not own a business if he's bad at business.

Speaker 2 He should have come back to your home home and measured it and done the work on it.

Speaker 1 And slept there overnight and just like got a feel for the space.

Speaker 1 He should have borrowed some of my clothes, understood what it's like to be me. He should have dressed up as a woman and pretended to be a nanny, maybe.

Speaker 1 He should have hosted an episode of the show with you guys. Yes.
Well, he did.

Speaker 1 What? Last week. It came out.
What?

Speaker 1 This is the first episode of November.

Speaker 2 Just like you.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah, we were Mrs.
Doubtfired last week.

Speaker 2 Wait, I thought it looked like you had a mask on, but I just didn't say anything. Hold on.

Speaker 1 Am I the guy? And I've Tyler Durden's myself. Yeah.
Oh. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 But with a counter?

Speaker 1 Was it me the whole time?

Speaker 2 So, so, so.

Speaker 1 I just realized what Tyler Durden was. I thought you were talking about the guy who plays Medea.

Speaker 1 Tyler Perry. Yes.

Speaker 1 Tyler Perry's Tyler Durden. I was like, see that?

Speaker 1 Tyler Durden is Medea.

Speaker 1 But wait. So did you, what are you doing? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Are you just thinking about it every day? Do you want to throw it out?

Speaker 1 No, I'm not going to throw it out because it is good. It's just, it needs like a little something

Speaker 1 on the back so things don't fall down the.

Speaker 1 What if you and Janie took turns? I have it, it's functioning fine. Yeah, what if you and Janie took turns holding it? It's right behind me, isn't it?

Speaker 2 Oh, it is very nice.

Speaker 1 Get a sense of it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's a shiny wood.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yes.
It looks, it looks, has a metallic sort of brass kind of finished finished looking to it. Looking to it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Looking to it. I'm, we're looking to it right now on your camera.
Find a picture and send it to you.

Speaker 2 You could put like a little raised like platform there and that would act as like a shelf and that would cover the gap.

Speaker 1 You could also put your ass back there, which would act as a shelf. Hey,

Speaker 2 you could put your crack back there and see if it's wider than that crack.

Speaker 1 Hey, man. You could.

Speaker 1 I could.

Speaker 1 Maybe I did already. All right.
Well, which one will you do? So much you two know. Well, I'll never tell.

Speaker 1 That'll be when I fall off a cliff. I'll say which one.
My ass was wider.

Speaker 1 Of course, you'd think that.

Speaker 1 The crack, you have a really wide crack. So sorry.

Speaker 2 It's like four inches wide. You're

Speaker 1 so good.

Speaker 1 So if they don't, you can't, your ass can't clap. It's too wide.

Speaker 2 You can't make it clap.

Speaker 1 I didn't think I knew that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Try as you might.

Speaker 1 you might.

Speaker 1 Try as you might.

Speaker 2 Try as you might. You can't make it clap, my dear boy.

Speaker 1 Has Mike decided to host a podcast called Try as You Mike?

Speaker 2 He has decided to do that.

Speaker 1 Okay, good.

Speaker 1 And what does it tail to that podcast?

Speaker 2 It's him trying things.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like that he's one of the new try guys. So it's like dirty jobs.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's like Mike, I think.
Okay, this is getting a little

Speaker 2 bit messy and spooky. And I'm scared.

Speaker 1 Everything that's spooky is messy, but not everything that's messy is spooky. Yeah, by the way, it was

Speaker 1 just Halloween a couple of days ago. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And Laura and I've thought about your advice about not telling Emmy what her Halloween costume is until like a week before. Yeah.
And I, in my mind, that was what was going to happen.

Speaker 1 And I think two months before Kulop said, oh, by the way, you're going to be Roomie from K-pop Demon Hunters and then bought the costume. And then she's been like, I don't want to be Roomie.

Speaker 1 And then, okay, well, I guess you don't have to be. And then two days later, I want to be Roomie.
I want us both to be Roomie.

Speaker 1 And then, so I don't know where she

Speaker 1 gets really

Speaker 1 complicated.

Speaker 2 I know I'm so curious what's going to happen in my house, too, because Hollywood

Speaker 1 was just happening. It just happened, and you're still curious? Yeah, because that's

Speaker 1 what would be stupid. We should mention that we're taping this one hour in advance of Halloween.
This is, it's

Speaker 1 11 p.m. on October 30th, so we don't know.
And we're pretending that it's past Halloween, but it's going to happen any second now.

Speaker 2 She did want to be Darth Vader.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. And we were talking because we went to

Speaker 2 a birthday party where Darth Vader was featured, and she was very scared and then liked that.

Speaker 1 Wait, what do you mean featured? Was there somebody there dressed as Darth Vader?

Speaker 2 Kemakuchi's son, this was a year ago now, had a birthday party where it was a Star Wars theme and there was a large cutout of Darth Vader in the park

Speaker 2 and the Star Wars music blasting through a huge speaker.

Speaker 1 Whoa. And Holly was very scared.

Speaker 2 And then, and she was like three. And then we,

Speaker 2 in the car later, she was like, I like that guy.

Speaker 1 And then like, she wanted to know all about that.

Speaker 2 We kind of like taught her about it.

Speaker 2 And then I have a Princess Leia wig. So I was like, well, I could do that.
And so, but then the other day she was Princess Leia wig from newcomers when we did our Star Wars season.

Speaker 2 We had Princess Leia wigs on the cover of the art.

Speaker 1 Got it.

Speaker 1 I knew that. I just didn't know that you kept the wig.

Speaker 2 Hey, I don't get rid of wigs. You never know when you're going to need it.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 then she wanted to be a fruit bat.

Speaker 1 And then the band?

Speaker 2 Now she wants to be a knight.

Speaker 1 With a dragon. Wait,

Speaker 1 wait, wait.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 And so then Mike said he would be a dragon. Oh.
And then I was like, well, then I think me and Gigi should have like a couple's costume as well. Like we could both be puppies or something.
Right.

Speaker 2 And I don't know what, I don't know where we're going to land. So it's all up in the air.
But I was thinking we might go to, I might take him to Spirit Halloween and let people pick out costumes.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. What would the puppies be doing with the dragon and the dragon?

Speaker 2 The group thing. It doesn't have to be a group thing.
Because I'm like, I don't want to be a princess.

Speaker 1 You know, you're going to get these questions. Yeah.
Like, oh, is the dragon eating the puppies? Are the puppies eating the dragon?

Speaker 1 That was a very

Speaker 1 people are going to say.

Speaker 1 That was a very

Speaker 1 in our house when we went to

Speaker 1 Albertson's, I believe, or was it Ralph's? I can't remember. Oh, no, it was Lucky's.
Yeah, Lucky's grocery store. Wow.
It was our grocery store when I was growing up.

Speaker 1 And it was a very special day when my mom would say, okay, this is the week that you can pick your Halloween costume because there was one aisle that had all the

Speaker 1 plastic. I didn't remember that.
The plastic Halloween costumes with the, it had a mask and then just like a plastic kind of covering that you put over your body. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it was. But it wouldn't be.
be. If you're a Superman, it would say the word Superman.
Yes.

Speaker 1 And you'd go a picture of Superman. Yeah.
You'd go, God damn it, I just want to have the fucking

Speaker 1 S on the chest. I don't want to say

Speaker 1 stupid would Superman look if he was flying around with the word Superman and then a little drawing of himself.

Speaker 2 Many people still thought he was Clark Kent.

Speaker 1 No one would respect him. But that's what it was like.
But I remember that being just like a huge, huge day. And

Speaker 1 I also, I feel like my brother was sick on Halloween once

Speaker 1 and didn't never got to use his costume. And that was a big thing because this, these costumes were an extra expense that we couldn't really afford, you know.

Speaker 1 So that was a big thing. But then I also had to promise to ask everyone for extra candy

Speaker 1 each stop of like, I'm also collecting from my brother who's sick, you know, which feels like a scam, like this scam. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 You were just

Speaker 1 reading this text chain of I would have, I would have slammed the door in your face if you said that to me. Wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Would you have given me one piece of candy? No. I would have taken the candy out of your bag.

Speaker 1 The ones that I collected from other neighbors? Not all of them, maybe like three.

Speaker 1 Whatever my fists could grab. Okay.
Then I would turn off the lights.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And then you'd open that little thing in the front door

Speaker 1 where you can like a little square opens up and you go like,

Speaker 1 by the way,

Speaker 2 don't keep lying to people because it's a really nasty look, little boy.

Speaker 1 By the way, don't keep lying to people. Because it's a really nasty look, nasty little boy.
You nasty little freak. Nasty.

Speaker 1 Nasty boy. Can either of you have this experience when you were trick-or-treating like I did, which is, first of all, you have the local dentist who gives you a toothbrush instead of candy.

Speaker 1 I've heard of that. Did not have that.
Never had that. Fuck that guy.
Fuck that guy.

Speaker 1 And then I also, there was a person who just gave out pennies.

Speaker 2 I never had that either, but we had, there was, you know, there were a couple of fancy places we would go.

Speaker 2 And one of them was this girl I knew growing up who was quite wealthy, apparently, because her house was incredible. She had an elevator in her house.
Whoa.

Speaker 2 And it was very fancy. And they would give out popcorn balls.
And that seemed like a big, awesome thing.

Speaker 1 We, we, I, Paula and I, I feel, grew up during the height of the

Speaker 1 homemade treats will have razor blades in them scam. Yeah.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Which, which, you know, I believed for many a year, and then recently it's all come out that, no, there are no known recorded instances of this ever happening anywhere.

Speaker 1 It doesn't make any sense. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, what's the end goal? You're just trying to cut people's mouths when you don't even get to watch them do it.

Speaker 1 What's the end goal of someone like Ed Gein?

Speaker 2 But doesn't like the, doesn't the killer want to see the blood fall out of your mouth?

Speaker 1 Well, not the Tylenol killer. Not the one.
That one was. Or her.

Speaker 1 But yeah, the thing about the razor blade and the apple, first of all, there's no way you can't disguise that. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You have to cut it open to put it in.

Speaker 1 The what I heard, and there was a woman who gave out caramel apples that she made, which is so lovely. And

Speaker 1 how incredible to give one a piece to every single kid, but my mom wouldn't let me eat it because of this scam. And I think the

Speaker 1 sort sort of way that they were talking about it is, oh, they put the caramel over, they put the caramel over the apple. She puts the lotion in the basket.
She puts the Rohipnol in the cocktail.

Speaker 1 But that would disguise the sort of lacerations in the apple, I think, is what they were trying to say. Also,

Speaker 1 like, you would remember which house you got that from. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Well, that was, I think. Well, they do.

Speaker 2 The first year they don't put it in.

Speaker 1 And the next year they don't put it in.

Speaker 2 Then the next year they don't.

Speaker 1 And this, by the way,

Speaker 1 this was a woman who lived five houses down.

Speaker 1 There's one year they get away with it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 People are like, I'm not sure what cut my mouth. It couldn't have been that house because last year he did the same thing.

Speaker 1 I didn't have a razor blade.

Speaker 2 I don't think candy apple is a good thing to hand out, though, because like, what are you going to put in your pillowcase?

Speaker 1 It's messy. It's kind of like, this is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't. It must have been wrapped in something, right? I think it was wrapped.
Yeah. Stop, please tell me.
I I believe

Speaker 1 this is, I mean, it's

Speaker 1 at this point. This is 50 years ago.
I can't recall the exact details, but I do remember the exact house. It was five houses away, and it was

Speaker 1 just a nice woman. And yet my mom was still so freaked out by these

Speaker 1 fake news stories that she said I couldn't eat it and took it away from me.

Speaker 2 Did you ever have someone?

Speaker 2 Did you ever have someone have like a haunted house in your neighborhood where you would go in? Yeah.

Speaker 1 We definitely had that.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, that's not something I'd be doing now.

Speaker 1 No, we, I think I must have told you this, but there was a certain point when I graduated. Like I was 14

Speaker 1 and I had been trick-or-treating maybe the year before. And everyone was like, you're too old to go trick-or-treating.
Anytime I would ask for candy, you're like six feet tall. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I decided to trick-or-treat.

Speaker 1 I'm just trick-or-treating for my son.

Speaker 1 I'm a cowboy on a steel horse horse I ride. Trigger treating for my son.
But I decided to do the

Speaker 1 haunted house stuff at my house. And so I set up like

Speaker 1 a big

Speaker 1 dead,

Speaker 1 like I fashioned a huge dead person.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I had one of those fake heads that you put a wig on, you know, the styrofoam fake head. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I made a face on it. And then I cut a hole from the mouth to the back of

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 hole from the mouth to the back of the head.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 then I showed my mom what I planned to do, which is I learned this trick

Speaker 1 in school where you take a lighter and then you take some hairspray and you spray it. Oh, I remember this story.
And I did it through the mouth and it shot out like 10 feet.

Speaker 1 And she said, Oh my God, you're not doing this.

Speaker 1 So instead, I just would hide in the bushes and jump out at people whenever they came up to the door. Oh, you know, the best one is when people sit on the bench, like look like a

Speaker 2 stuffed thing, and then just scream or whatever.

Speaker 1 We had that, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what was surprisingly effective was

Speaker 1 putting string hanging down from a rafter right in front of the door and people would always get freaked out because it has the feeling of like a spider web. Yeah, yeah

Speaker 1 when i was a when i was a kid my cousins and i did a haunted house in our basement

Speaker 1 and uh the one thing did you lure anyone down there

Speaker 1 like our younger cousins right oh okay yeah um

Speaker 1 the only thing i truly remember was i had fashioned this

Speaker 1 so like that we have this like big furnace and so it's scary

Speaker 1 the basement is fucking scary it's scary on its own you didn't have to to be scary on its own. Period.
End of sentence. Basement is scary.

Speaker 2 Even renovated, I'm a little scared.

Speaker 1 Yes. See, you go closer to hell.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I wanted to make it look like someone had been crushed by the furnace, was lying underneath it. Yikes.
So I took a pair of jeans and I filled them with newspaper jeans.

Speaker 1 And I had like.

Speaker 2 Did you fill out the ass?

Speaker 1 He, he, he was, he was crushed face up. Okay.
Yeah. So I wasn't.

Speaker 1 You were concerned. What kind of ass should this guy have?

Speaker 1 How sexy do I want it to be?

Speaker 1 And I took my.

Speaker 2 Is this a sad story or a scary story?

Speaker 1 I had a pair of booters.

Speaker 1 What are boondockers, Paul? Boondockers are like sort of construction boots

Speaker 1 with those

Speaker 1 stiff

Speaker 1 yellow laces. You know what I mean? Wow.

Speaker 2 those. Prototyland.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Proto-Timbalands.

Speaker 1 And so I, you know, put them in the pant legs, but then the hardest thing was, how do I keep the shoes like sticking up in the air? Oh, right. So they don't, you know.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I don't remember how I solved that problem.

Speaker 2 But you were stressed.

Speaker 1 I was stressed, but I finally figured it out. I don't remember what I did.
And then, of course, the coup de grace, pouring ketchup all over the the place. Oh, good.

Speaker 1 And that smells wonderful the next day. The smell of ketchup just out in the world is divine.
And did ants find all the ketchup overnight? I'm sure they did. Oh, good.
Or, as we called them,

Speaker 1 the creatures that found them, we called water bugs.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's just roaches, hun.

Speaker 2 One time

Speaker 2 in sixth grade, my friend

Speaker 2 put her face in my birthday cake at my birthday party.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 That's bold.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she was bold. We're still friends to this day, but she's actually so not like that now that it's funny.
But when we were kids, she was very

Speaker 2 outgoing, like loud, always doing something kind of crazy.

Speaker 1 Shut out of control. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she did that. And then she went and washed her face in our little powder room sink.
And there was just icing everywhere. And then all these ants came.
It was like such a like series of

Speaker 1 events. I guess I thought that you needed to already have an ant problem in order to attract a giant ant thing because they just know where the sugar lies.

Speaker 1 They figure the shit out, man.

Speaker 1 But the night of one of Jimmy Pardo's podcast-a-thons, which was held over at the Acme, where I played, I think a vampire, I did a vampire cooking segment or something like that. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And it was, I just basically like took a

Speaker 1 like every ingredient I could buy at the store and then just kept adding to it. Okay, then you're going to want to add this.
Then you're going to want chocolate syrup and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 And so, and then it was just like

Speaker 1 just a huge pile of stuff,

Speaker 1 you know, with no nuance to it. I was like, and then you're done.
But I,

Speaker 1 it was late at night. I think this was an all-night thing.
So I just like got home, put the remnants of all of the cooking stuff down on the floor next to my bed

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 didn't think because I didn't I'd never seen a single ant in that place ever before woke up and it was a just a giant ant hill all over this thing you gotta

Speaker 1 disgusting all the way into why didn't you just put it in the trash I know I in hindsight would I have thrown away all of it

Speaker 1 I must have been 40

Speaker 2 no 30 30 something so this was last year 30 something 30 something yeah 30 something as a comedy guy. This makes total sense.

Speaker 1 30-something as a man in America.

Speaker 2 I would say, I don't know what's going on with you. But no, I knew a lot of guys like that.

Speaker 1 I recently had

Speaker 1 some ice cream, and there was like a drop of ice cream got on the counter. And I didn't clean it up immediately.
And the next day swarmed with ants. It's crazy these ants.

Speaker 1 I've never seen an ant in the house otherwise. Waiting.
Yeah. Just waiting.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What are they eating when they're not eating that stuff?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And where are they coming from? Like, are they coming from outside?

Speaker 1 And like, somebody has to go into every house every night. They have an ant that goes on a scouting.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, in Honey I Shrunk the Kids, there's those ants that find that big Oreo.

Speaker 1 Never seen it. You should come on Scott Asnscene and we'll talk about it.

Speaker 2 And they eat the Oreo.

Speaker 1 Lauren was just miming,

Speaker 1 eating something, waving her head back. You look like she got hit on the back of the head with a bottle.
That's what I think when I eat.

Speaker 1 I like burgers. All right,

Speaker 1 we have to take a break. Okay.
Can I just say, before we do, I also like burgers. We'll be right back.
Okay.

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Speaker 1 and we're back we sure are and you know what it's time for

Speaker 1 i don't i actually don't oh oh

Speaker 1 you knew lauren and no one told me

Speaker 2 Did I didn't realize it was a secret from you.

Speaker 1 It's not, Scott, I was never trying to hide this from you.

Speaker 2 I think you were. You told me.

Speaker 1 You're throwing me under the boost. You're throwing me under the boost.
Who's the first person to say throwing they threw me under the bus on a reality show, do you think?

Speaker 1 I think someone who got thrown under a bus. Yeah.
And they're like, I know, you know what this feels like? That time I got thrown under a bus. Like at the end of Slow Horses, season one?

Speaker 1 Are you watching that show, guys? I just started watching it.

Speaker 1 I like it. And I think about you, Paul, because I know it's a favorite of yours.

Speaker 1 Are you not enjoying it? No, I enjoy it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think about you because I think most someone likes this.

Speaker 1 No, I like season one. I've watched, they're only six episode seasons.
Yeah. And so I started season two and I'm two episodes in.

Speaker 1 I'm like, this doesn't have the same, like, nothing's happened yet in season two. I'm like, I feel like this was the, they shot them one after the other and they ran out of money for season two.

Speaker 1 Oh, just wait. Oh, okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay. April.
We're halfway through the latest season. Season three just happened last night.
Oh, they just dropped it.

Speaker 1 It's only season three?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I thought there were like

Speaker 1 six seasons of this. I'm wrong.
Oh, okay. Okay.
All right. Fine, Paul.
Is that what you wanted to hear? How does that feel? I did.

Speaker 1 Okay, you got it out of me.

Speaker 1 I'm wrong.

Speaker 1 Happy? I'm very happy. I love it when you're wrong.
I want you to be happy. Guys.
Even if that means me being wrong. Yes, Lauren.
Lauren, play Peacemaker again. You're both gorgeous.

Speaker 1 You, by the way, I think if John Cena were to pass away, you should play Peacemaker. That would be funny, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I wear his costume. I said Lauren.

Speaker 1 Oh, me? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't want you to play Peacemaker, Paul.

Speaker 2 I hope I get to do it one day, just for fun. And I hope it's not because he passed away.
It's just because he's giving someone else a chance.

Speaker 1 Everybody should get a turn.

Speaker 1 It should be like James Bond, where he retires and then someone else plays Peacemaker. And they reboot it all over again.
Yeah. Who do you think is going to play James Bond?

Speaker 1 Who are the top candidates?

Speaker 1 Henry Cavill, is he in there? He should be probably. Henry Winkler.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer.

Speaker 1 Henry, the bald comic strip guy. Yep.
Okay. That can't still be running anywhere, right? Is any comic running anywhere? I just had this discussion again on another one of my podcasts.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine growing up and loving comic strips so much that you devote your life to art

Speaker 1 and then you finally graduate, you have a great idea, and then everyone's like, no, we're not buying these anymore. No one reads them.
No, they're still there. Okay.
They have to be.

Speaker 1 I think we would have heard definitively if they were not making comic strips anymore. I will say, I just with the hope.
Somebody would have told us specifically.

Speaker 2 I would have gotten a letter in the mail.

Speaker 1 Maybe on hagclaims8.com. But

Speaker 2 that's the thing. It's not functioning as well as it could.
Maybe somebody was trying to tell us that.

Speaker 1 Huge deal. We had a page on there that was, you could click on

Speaker 1 a button that said investigations, and that was going to be all the things that we've ever talked about that never got, we never got an answer to that. Yeah, we never got resolved.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then it was up to you to investigate and find out the answer. It was, yes, yeah, but we get just much like the snowman, we give you all the clues,

Speaker 2 much like the snowman, we give you all the clues, yeah.

Speaker 1 Mr. Snowman, I gave you all the clues, Mr.
Snowman, give me the clues and clues.

Speaker 1 Do they still

Speaker 1 print

Speaker 1 comic strips

Speaker 1 at home? Slow horses, more like slow typer. Yeah,

Speaker 1 hey, I read that.

Speaker 2 Do they still print comic strips? Like in the paper?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what I'm asking.

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 1 How much can a modern cartoonist make in syndication?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like, I have no clue what a cartoonist would make off of a comic strip.

Speaker 1 It used to be in the hundreds of thousands of dollars a year if you had

Speaker 1 if you got syndicated.

Speaker 2 Hundreds of thousands? Like if you're Kathy?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I think Dillman.
Many

Speaker 1 are exclusively. That's good shit.
Many are exclusively published online, but the majority of traditional newspaper comic strips have some internet presence.

Speaker 1 King Feature Syndicate, of course, the first name in comics.

Speaker 1 Well, that didn't really tell me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So with the recent brew ha ha

Speaker 1 regarding Jane Goodall and her mysterious death,

Speaker 1 Mysterious death in her 90s? Yes. I mean, we don't have any of the answers.
This is part of the reason we started the investigations button on

Speaker 1 HackClaimsate.com.

Speaker 1 I think so. But a lot of the articles mentioned the Far Side

Speaker 1 cartoon about her. Yes, I saw that.
Oh, what was that?

Speaker 1 It was a.

Speaker 1 I believe the cartoon in question has a couple of monkeys sitting in a tree, perhaps K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Speaker 1 And first came love, and then came marriage. Disgusting little comic, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, well, well, another blonde hair conducting a little more research with that Jane Goodall tramp.

Speaker 1 That's what it said. Yes, so that's the cartoon, and then it talked about how I believe the syndicate was going to nix that strip or something like that.

Speaker 1 And then they got a complaint from like Jane Goodall's foundation or whatever, right? Right. And they said, this is disrespectful.
And then Jane Goodall.

Speaker 1 stopped. Yes, Jane Goodall chimed in and said, this is so funny.
And she loved it. She loved it and gave permission.
And so everything was papered over. Anyway, that reminded me that.

Speaker 1 Now the foundation sells t-shirts with that comic strip on it. No, they don't.
Yes, they do. And they don't give any money to Gary Larson.
Is that true? I don't know. Okay, are you ready for this?

Speaker 1 Wait, I was going to say, I was going to say the second part of this is I realized I had no Farside comics anywhere in the house. So I got

Speaker 1 the giant tome of the complete farside comics. That's a good thing.
Wow. And I also,

Speaker 2 I'm on Reddit on this thing about Jane Goodall, and it says, when Gary retired, he actually spent time volunteering at Jane Goodall's research station in Tanzania.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's right.

Speaker 1 The last line of this is very funny.

Speaker 2 She also wrote the foreword to one of his collections.

Speaker 1 Does this have the last line that I saw, which is he volunteered? The story is he volunteered at her place,

Speaker 1 and it's like a feel-good.

Speaker 1 He did this, he did this, and then he was attacked by a monkey is the last sentence.

Speaker 1 No, I didn't see that.

Speaker 1 All right, as of 2024, there are still comics in newspapers. Okay.
Because here are the top ones still running. Okay.

Speaker 1 Dilbert. Fucking fuck you.

Speaker 1 Barney Google and Snuffy Smith.

Speaker 2 I love Dilbert when I was in fifth grade.

Speaker 1 You can have it.

Speaker 1 Barney Google and Snuffy Smith has run over a century. I'm wondering if, Lauren, when you told us, hey, I've started seeing this guy, Mike, who turned out to be Mike.

Speaker 1 I remember this conversation vividly when you told us about this.

Speaker 1 And Paul,

Speaker 1 you were very complimentary. You said, oh, he's such a good-looking boy.
I remember. He said, is this real? Yes.

Speaker 1 We were at the old Earwolf studios. I remember all this.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I wonder if...

Speaker 1 I wonder if you had showed us his picture and he looked exactly like Dilbert. What our reaction would have been.

Speaker 1 What the fuck? Because you loved Dilbert. I didn't say I loved Dilbert.

Speaker 2 I didn't say he was a Dilf.

Speaker 1 A Dilb. Dilbert, I like to fuck.
Dilbert, I like to fuck. Allie Oop is still running.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 The caveman. Prince Valiant.
Fucking Palmer. Jesus.

Speaker 1 That was boring when I was a kid. Family circus.
Ugh. And that doesn't make any sense anymore.
Is that what I'm hearing? Or Heathcliff doesn't.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Heathcliff got really weird.
I remember hearing that. Right.
Okay. They're like real weird non-sequiturs.
Yeah. Marmaduke.
Yeah, I remember at Doughboys.

Speaker 2 Nick would always get very upset about

Speaker 1 Heathcliff.

Speaker 1 It doesn't have any internal logic.

Speaker 1 BC. BC is still out there.
BC.

Speaker 1 Dennis the fucking menace. This guy.

Speaker 2 He needs to stop.

Speaker 1 Gasoline Alley is the longest-running current comic strip. Second longest-running comic strip of all time.

Speaker 1 I know that it was recently announced that Nancy is switching writers and artists.

Speaker 1 It was Olivia James, I believe was her, the pseudonym of the person who was doing it. It was great for the past like five or six years.
I bought several collections of it.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it was updated and very funny.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it still looked the same.

Speaker 1 I think it was this person, Olivia James, updated the style a little bit.

Speaker 1 But it was like very modern humor

Speaker 1 where the kids had phones and, you know, all sorts of stuff. There's ironic racism.

Speaker 1 But it was very funny. And they just announced that

Speaker 1 Olivia

Speaker 1 James, I believe is the name, is stepping down. And there's a new indie comic person who's taking over and saw some of their work and it looked very funny.
So

Speaker 1 that's one that I know is still going on and is very, very good. Dang.

Speaker 1 Fucking Dick Tracy still out there? Jeez.

Speaker 1 Hagar the Horrible. Oh my God.

Speaker 2 How many more stories can be told about Hagar?

Speaker 1 Beetle Bailey? Because Hagar the Horrible is just, he's a Viking, right? But he just does like modern humor.

Speaker 1 He does like the most mundane shit. Yeah, but it's just like, oh, yeah, wow.
Vikings, they're just like us.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's the goal. Just to get people to realize Vikings were not so different from we are today.

Speaker 1 Blondie's still out there, guys. Fuck.
Blondie and Dagwood. That must, have they updated that at all?

Speaker 1 Like that, it seemed like Blondie was all about a guy who goes to work at an office from nine to five, and the wife, Blondie, would sit around,

Speaker 1 I don't know, making him sandwiches or something. I don't know.
Well, he made his own insane sandwiches. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Here's the most recent Hagar the Horrible comic.

Speaker 1 Okay, great.

Speaker 2 The picture is, I guess, his wife, and he and he, they're sitting at the table, and he's eating spaghetti with his face in the spaghetti.

Speaker 2 And she says, Hagar, I know you love spaghetti, but you haven't looked up from your plate once.

Speaker 2 And he says, I'm lost in the sauce.

Speaker 2 And she says, I'll take that as a compliment. And he says, Glop cloth.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Fuck off.

Speaker 1 I know it's

Speaker 1 stocks.

Speaker 1 I think just when I got this Farside collection, I was like thinking about what a monumental achievement it is to come up with seven gags a week. Like,

Speaker 1 you know, it's very, very difficult to write that much

Speaker 1 material. Yeah.
But, but the quality of

Speaker 1 the far side and Calvin and Hobbes and things like that was pretty consistent most years.

Speaker 1 Bloom County.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I think the bare minimum,

Speaker 1 you have to make sense at this point. Like, you can't just be coasting on fields.
Here, this one has an actual joke. Okay.

Speaker 2 So it's a picture of Hagar, and he's at the

Speaker 1 picture of Hagar. We know it's pictures.

Speaker 1 So it's not a photograph. It's a video.

Speaker 2 It's a video.

Speaker 2 It's a picture of Hagar, and he is at the medieval doctor office. Okay.

Speaker 2 And he's got blood dripping into a pot, and it says, What's this bloodletting going to cost me?

Speaker 2 And then the whatever that person will be called, bloodletter, says, Don't worry, it's been taken care of. Reveal behind a curtain Dracula.

Speaker 1 Are you fucking kidding me?

Speaker 1 Is Dracula dressed like a Viking?

Speaker 2 No, he's he's more at least 1960s, if not, you know, something Dracula.

Speaker 1 And he's behind a curtain that's on a circular thing, like a shower curtain.

Speaker 2 Like, well, that wouldn't exist then.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what's the difference? Get the fuck out of here. I just want to know what you think 1960s Dracula looks like as opposed to 1930s.

Speaker 1 Beetle haircut. Yeah, okay, 30s.

Speaker 1 It's not black and white.

Speaker 2 Okay. And then,

Speaker 2 okay, here's a go. And this is one you guys will relate to.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So it's two guys at a bar.

Speaker 1 Relate to this. Is Hagar one of the guys?

Speaker 2 One of them is Hagar.

Speaker 1 Please tell me Hagar is one of the guys. And is it a picture?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 It was a picture okay and then this other guy and Hagar says did you see that beautiful stunning woman sitting by the window and then the little nerd says yes my heart is pounding and he said did you did her big boyfriend catch you staring and he says why do you think my heart is pounding what are these two pussies up to

Speaker 1 well Hagar is

Speaker 1 Hagar's married, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's married. So he's living vicariously.
Did her big boyfriend catch just staring?

Speaker 1 Why do you think my heart is beating? By the way, everyone probably knows each other in this tiny town, right?

Speaker 1 Village. Yeah.
Village, yeah.

Speaker 1 I wonder, yeah.

Speaker 1 I wonder when that, when did that stop being a thing where you could know every single person

Speaker 1 in your

Speaker 1 probably when the villages got bigger? This one's crazy.

Speaker 1 But there's a bunch of. I guess at what point did people say like, you know what, we're going to give everyone a pass on not knowing every single person's name? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, was it, was it just like you're not allowed to be insulted? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Was it just like, you know what? Okay, now there's 500 people in this town. This is too impossible.
I'm never going to remember all you guys. Let's give everyone a pass on this.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Here, this one has a bunch of villagers looking at Hagar, and he's looking at them angrily.

Speaker 1 Money, money, money.

Speaker 2 He has a picture. Money, money, money.
All you men want is money.

Speaker 2 And then he goes, What do you think I'm made of?

Speaker 2 And then they said, Restaurant food we can't afford.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So this, whoever's doing Hagar now is just looking at expressions and saying, how can I switch this and make it into a Hagar?

Speaker 2 Money, money, money. All you men want is money.
What do you think I'm made of?

Speaker 1 Restaurant food we can't afford.

Speaker 1 You don't ask, what do you think I'm made of? Yeah. You say, do you think of money? Do you think I'm made of money?

Speaker 1 And then you could probably say like, no, we think you're made of restaurant food we can't afford.

Speaker 1 I just don't like this word. Let's see what Dennis the Menace is up to before we move on.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're going to move on.

Speaker 2 Okay. Let's see what he's doing here.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.
Okay. Let's see what.
Okay. Let's find a good one.
Find a great Dennis of the Menace. Okay.
I mean, this is, it's still a little cute.

Speaker 2 So Dennis is looking up at his angry dad or whatever.

Speaker 1 Is it his dad or his neighbor, Mr. Wilson?

Speaker 2 Mr. Wilson.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 He goes, do you miss me when I'm not here?

Speaker 1 And Mr. Wilson says, says,

Speaker 1 Mr. Wilson says, How would I know?

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 Just his little kid doesn't leave enough.

Speaker 1 He's he's accusing Dennis of being a Velcro child. Yeah, I am back.
My Zoom dropped out for

Speaker 1 this.

Speaker 2 Here, this is Dennis talking to two old people who I don't know if they're not his parents, they're really old.

Speaker 1 This must be Mr. and Mrs.
Wilson.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he goes, Look how fast I can text. He's holding a phone.
Oh, and then they say, I remember when all thumbs was an insult.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 wow.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 But now, I guess it's a compliment. And I do hope he comes back.
Oh, I'm here.

Speaker 2 I hope so, too.

Speaker 1 I think he was really.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I've been talking to you.

Speaker 1 My Zoom went out, and then I've been talking to you for the last 60 seconds, but I realize now my audio and my video weren't on. No, they weren't.
For you, but

Speaker 1 I've been interacting with you, I think. I think.
And and probably the listeners will have heard me interacting with you. Oh, okay.
God, I hope so.

Speaker 1 I hope so. I can't wait to hear it myself.
But you know what?

Speaker 1 Oh, wait, Scott, just one second. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I want to reassure you that Popeye is still running. Thank God.
Can I hear one? 1919. Can I hear a latest Popeye? Lauren, can you call us up a Popeye?

Speaker 2 I'll see what I can do.

Speaker 1 And the number one comic that's still running, of course, is Garfield. Yeah, I get that.

Speaker 1 I wonder Harold. What's Jim Davis's lifestyle like? You know what I mean? I respect the people like Gary Larson who got out of the game, who are just like, I want to go out on top.

Speaker 1 I don't need any more money. Jim Davis probably doesn't do any of this stuff anymore.
Like it gets credited to him, but he has artists who make this on his behalf in his life.

Speaker 1 He's taking the PJ to the yacht. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.
He's taking Pearl Jam to his yacht. Yeah, I know what you're saying.
He's taking peanut and jelly.

Speaker 2 All right, let me say that the Popeye is a continuous narrative.

Speaker 1 Every week. What?

Speaker 1 Connecting.

Speaker 1 Every day, every day.

Speaker 2 Every day is connecting. That's cool.

Speaker 1 I like that.

Speaker 2 Okay, so there's a whole narrative happening about him basically saying Sweepy needs to move out.

Speaker 1 Okay. Oh, how old is Sweepy now? She must be kindergarten.
68.

Speaker 1 Kindergarten? And she needs to move out? Apparently.

Speaker 2 They're calling him a he, by the way.

Speaker 1 You can't let him go off on his own. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then he says, everyone has the right to find themselves. And she says, he's just a baby.
He's not prepared to face the world. And he says, he passed kindergarten sandbox with a C.

Speaker 2 And then Sweepy is beaming around the corner.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm glad it's still around. Good for Popeye.
To hear such praise from it. Crushing it.
Crushing it. Popeye's crushing it.
You know what, guys?

Speaker 1 We got sidetracked talking about cartoons for so long that we don't have time to do the three tree anymore. This fucking sucks.
I'm sorry. That's a first.
Sorry. That's literally never happened.

Speaker 1 Sorry, guys. It happened once before.
Yeah. Did it not? Well, it happened once before.

Speaker 1 Well, guys, thank you for listening. If you're a big Threecher fan, and I doubt you are, sorry about that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But we'll be back next week. And, you know, you know what happens then.
You know what happens then.

Speaker 1 That's what happens when body starts slapping paul you're doing a lot of shows on the road man that's true i think you're back at this point right

Speaker 1 true and i'm getting ready to head out again at the end of the month uh for the amy manated leo christmas show that's right and we're going to be going to a lot of different places we're going to hit a lot of cities all the um The dates and venues and links are up on paulftompkins.com slash live.

Speaker 1 If you want to come out, those shows, by the way, I know I don't really plug them that much because, you you know, I'm just a part of them as opposed to it being my show, but I'm a fairly big part of it, and it's a really fun show.

Speaker 1 These are great. I think were they at Largo last year, or was it two years ago?

Speaker 1 I saw it two years ago, and it's so fun.

Speaker 1 You do a ton of sketch work in it. Yeah, it's music and comedy.

Speaker 1 It's a good suck, and it's a really good group this year. Yeah, it really is.
Me, um, Nelly Mackay, Josh Gondelman, and of course, Amy and Ted. Good times.
Good times.

Speaker 2 Sounds great.

Speaker 1 Some good stuff. Yeah.
And I have nothing going on. And Lauren,

Speaker 2 anything? I'm busy as a bee right now shooting my show, which has been a blast.

Speaker 1 Shooting your show. I'm so excited.

Speaker 2 I'm just shooting my shot out in the world.

Speaker 2 I've been having a great time, and I'm very excited about it.

Speaker 1 And that's that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's that.

Speaker 2 So that's that. I'm not really doing, I'm not doing many live shows right now.
Just every once in a while. You know what? I am doing something coming up.
What's the date?

Speaker 2 november something november like november 8th i have a show that is an interesting show at union station what

Speaker 2 i know so i've probably

Speaker 2 got married check it out yeah are you doing train prov i'm doing a reenactment of scott's wedding

Speaker 1 oh but historically accurate just a little something i'm putting up

Speaker 1 I think that sounds fun. That sounds really cool.
Where is it? At Union Station? What part are you in?

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's a special dynasty typewriter sort of show happening there. I don't know.
I don't.

Speaker 1 I just got connected to this. You know what? I heard a little bit about this show, and I think it sounds like a good thing.
What day is it? I wish I could be a part of it.

Speaker 2 I think it's Saturday, November 8th.

Speaker 1 Wow. That sounds so fun.
Maybe I'll try to come. That is true.
Cool.

Speaker 2 Well, that's that. Have a great day, everyone.

Speaker 1 Have a great day. Hey, we want everyone to have a great day.
Not just a good day, a great day.

Speaker 1 I think we need to wrap it up. Well, we'll say, bye-bye.
I also want to tell everyone we're going to see them next week. And they'll listen to us at the very least.

Speaker 1 We'll see you, but you'll just be listening to us. All right.
I'm leaving. Okay.
Bye. Bye.

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Speaker 4 Or, do dogs know they're dogs?

Speaker 3 The Brains On podcast is here to help. Every episode answers tough questions with funny skits, cool facts, and more.
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