#3010 RHOSLC S602 Part One: Gout of Bounds

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Hello and welcome to Watch What Crap Ins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker.

Joining me today is the wonderful, hilarious, glorious, sexy Ronnie Garum. How are you, Ronnie?

That's me. Hi, Ben.
How are you? Doing pretty well. Excited.
That's Salt Lake City Day, varsity-level housewives show that we are about to start our recap for.

Just in one second, first, a reminder that not only do we have

a Patreon, but we also do a weekly bonus episode. And this week's bonus episode is a cast breakdown of the Great British Bake Bake Off.
Because why not?

We actually recapped that early yesterday and we did a little

cast breakdown and had a lot of fun with it. So if you are a big baking fan or you know people that are, go check that out on Patreon.
And we also have a video there.

So you can watch us on video, which is really fun. By the way, thank you to everyone who showed up to Crappy Hour earlier this week.
We had a lot of fun talking about Bravo headlines, et cetera.

We do that every other week. And we alternate that with going on Amazon Live.

So that'll be coming up on monday so that's all the exciting stuff to talk about oh and by the way thank you to everyone who had to endure the annoying nuisance of my microphone over the over the over orange county and miami uh apologies i don't know what was going on but let me tell you something i ditched that microphone i i I ditched it.

I got rid of it. I got a new one.
I think it was a mic issue. This Rode pod mic USB garbage.
So it is out. One day you're in, the next day you're out.
So goodbye, Rode Pod Mic.

You are no longer welcome here on this podcast. Thanks.
Seriously, thanks. Sorry to everyone that that was super annoying to you.

Got a lot of people who were like, oh my God, your microphone. I thought it was my AirPods.
No, it was me. It was me.
Well, hey, maybe you sold a bunch of new AirPods. So that's good.
Yeah, maybe.

But I'll tell you one thing. That microphone.
It's not going on to my Amazon.

It's not going onto our Amazon Live anytime soon. I'll tell you that much for anyone who's trying to start up a podcast.

All right. Here we are with some Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Season 6, Episode 2.
Law and Out of Order. They should have just called this episode Gout Dick Sucker and been done with it.

Yeah. Oh, that's right.
I was trying to think of, I had to think of a name for the episode. And I was like, what, what was the thing?

What is the gout? It's going to be a gout pun, everyone.

Who knows? The form. One day you're maybe

what I just said. One day you're in there.

One day you're out. That's true.
One day you're in. You're in.
Next day you're gout. One day you're in.
One day you're gout.

Down and out. Down and gout of Beverly Hills.
Oh, Salt Lake City.

Okay, so when we left, everybody was scared that they were going to be killed by the slut killer of Salt Lake City, whatever her name is.

Slut shaming ghost. I'm like, hello, it's 2025 ghosts.

Stop with the slut shaming.

But, and my favorite part was that, was of course, Meredith taking it so seriously, like, I have to get back to my family. I have a child.

Um,

and like legit freaking out. But, um, guess what? Everybody's fine.
They lived. It was a shocker.
And Meredith tells us, they're not going to let us down. It's too big of a liability for the network.

Yeah, you never know what Bravo might do for ratings. I wouldn't put a paste.
Bravo's like, you know, what if we did did as a ratings that we just let a ghost kill our entire cast?

Well, I guess that could be kind of fun.

The next chapter in the Bravo Reckoning,

they murdered us. Leah Sweeney's like,

I was murdered. Leah Sweeney is suing as a ghost.
Bravo murdered me in a Salt Lake City episode. I'm not even on that fucking show.
This is a crisis. Okay, this is unsafe work environment.

They literally are having ghosts kill us. We're being hunted by ghosts.
It's not right. We're taking it to the courts.

we're gonna sue a ghost it's just ramona the whole time the slut killer it's always been ramona just like you know what you're a loose girl that's it you know what i think girls should have manners okay

so i was raised sorry sad you're not gonna have to drive

yeah you are slutty you're a slutty girl in salt lake and you shouldn't be messing up the hills of provo okay because i remember this one time when i was a little girl my father's best friend geraldy parson smith said you know what you're a loose girl and you need to get yourself in order.

And to this day, I've never been able to be slutty. Okay.
I've never been able to do it. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. But that's just the truth.
I feel bad for even having to come to Slut Lake City. Okay.

Set.

Sorry.

So everybody's waking up in their RV and Whitney's like, are you ready to go brush your teeth down by the river? I'm like,

No. She's like, that's what you do.
It's like, I know that Whitney does that at home too. She just walks down to that little pond thing behind her house and just saying, brush a brush, brush.

Brush a brush, brush.

Yeah, she little known fact that is the go down to the river to brush your teeth is actually the original lyrics for down to the river to pray.

As I went down to the river to brush my teeth, thoughtting about that good old way of missing.

Just imagining Whitney singing an old hymn, an old hymn about brushing her teeth.

Whitney just loves the outdoors. She's got a pole out there coming out of the pond.

So Meredith is like, is there a coffee maker or a cappuccino maker on here? She's like, this is not the four seasons, Meredith. Listen, a Keurig is not too much to ask.
Get a fucking Keurig.

You're in an RV for Christ's sake. You can have a bed.
You can have a microwave. You can have a Keurig.
Get a Keurig.

There should be a a Keurig on that thing because that is like a luxury RV.

If you've got an RV that can fit like all those adults and their housewives, and it can be kind of luxe, there should be room for like a little baby Keurig.

I'm not Salt Lake City, and you guys are low-budget and community theater, but still you can at least give people a Keurig for Christ's sake. Get some Quest coffee in the fridge.

Yeah, this was unfortunately a

poorly conceived trip based on the fact that they got hot dogs with no buns, hamburger buns with no hamburgers, and

asparagus with no way to cook them.

So I guess a Keurig is just really a bridge too far.

So they go outside and they, they, I'm not sure if they're not allowed to talk about cows, like if cows are branded a certain way here, that they're not allowed to mention them, but it's weird because they go out and there's a bunch of cows across the little river thing.

And they're like, wow, it's animals. Wow, it is animals.
Come look at the animals and animals. It's like, you can call them cows.
I mean, are we not allowed to say cows anymore?

What has 2025 done to us? I know, seriously. It's like on baking, the baking show when they couldn't say Marmite.
They're like, yeasts, yeast extract. It's like, no, you can say, you can say cow.

You could, it's no, I'm not allowed to. That's part of the conditions of me settling Whitney Rose into bankruptcy.
I had to give up the word cow. It's like, what? What are you talking about?

You exploited my cow gyma

or a bunch of animals out here. And Andy said, Do you think they are saying the same thing about us?

No, that was funny because you know the cows are. They're like, Merr, look at these crazy witches out here.
What are these ladies doing? What are they wearing?

You were selling those cows short. Those are Bravo fans.
Like,

oh my God. Icon Meredith Marks.
Icon.

You said my husband was gay.

What if they're just like the cow, Salt Lake City? Like on cow housewives? It's like they, they, you know, how they like do the traders in the same castle for both UK and the U.S. like the cow.

It's like,

I heard that

I heard that Claribel has four lawsuits against her.

I hope hope you come to my book opening for the good movement.

The bad movement.

Sorry, I fucked up my dad joke.

We're always waiting for Lisa Holstein.

We'll crossover. Crossover with the Real Housewives of Miami Cow.

So they start making breakfast. And, you know, bad choices for breakfast, too.
Why Why are you bringing steaks?

Why?

You're bringing steaks and the only thing you can eat them out of is a paper bowl. Come on.

So they make breakfast and Whitney and Heather brush their, you know,

dentures or whatever those things are, their implants. What do you call them? Not dentures.
That's rude. I don't mean that like that.
I'm older than them anyway. Chicklos.
Tic Tac.

Yeah, they're cleaning their implants. Oh,

scrabble pieces. Okay.

and uh heather's like um

i have no ability to spit it's crazy i lost that when i botoxed my upper lip so i mean spitting was kind of my thing but now i can't even spit

yeah i can't it's no longer on my tinder profile i'm like is there a tinder profile even in the first place but at this point

So then Bronwyn is cooking the steak and Mary's like, Bronwyn, do you not know how to cook steak? I don't even think you eat steak. Do you? She's like, Mary, no, I don't.
I don't cook anything.

No, I don't. That is absolutely very true.
I have Christian Seriano cook it for me. That is true.

Mary's like, I can tell by the way you're digging at that steak. It's like, damn.
Mary's pretty harsh, but she's also not able to eat the steak. Like she has a whole moment where she's like,

how am I supposed to? I can't.

I can't eat. It's a bowl.
It's a paper plastic. It's paper.
But, but, and you don't have a steak knife. Like, it is actually,

it's, remember that commercial for milk where the guy, um,

he like gets hit by like a bus. He's like this asshole and he's across the street.
He gets hit by a bus. And then he winds up

and he's like in this room and there's all these cookies. He's like, oh my God, I went to heaven.
I can't believe it. They actually accepted me in heaven.

And he just was eating this big, glorious cookie. And then he reaches for the milk and all the milk containers are empty and he realizes he's actually in hell.

I think this was like, this was like the steak version.

I think that just happened all across America this morning when people woke up and realized they weren't raptured. I felt bad for so many people on TikTok who were like, we are out.

We are being raptured today. And I just wanted to say bye to everybody.
There's one I sent you yesterday with this lady who's like, guys, this is my last TikTok because I'm so blessed.

The rapture is happening tonight. And I am just so grateful to be taken.
And all of you who are seeing this, you were not raptured. And I'm so sorry for you.
But you know what?

At least you can just go on and do all the sins you want to keep doing. So

like dead serious. What, what the fuck?

I was almost disappointed that nobody was raptured when I woke up. I mean, that would definitely make dinner conversations, the holidays a lot easier.
You know what I mean?

I'm like, oh my God, you're all still here. I had a text from family this morning.
I was like, oh my God, they didn't take you. I thought there was a bus waiting for you, people.

I think the tariffs were just too high for the rapture. I was like, I think we're going to cancel shipping on this.
I think we should cancel shipping to heaven.

Okay, shipping is shipping is

like, listen here, Jesus. Listen here, Jesus.
We're going to charge you 30% over to take these people up to heaven. He's like, I'm sorry, but I'm like notoriously poor.

So, unfortunately, all the escalators up to heaven stopped. There was a little bit of an issue, issue, and we have to look into that.

Poor things. They just woke up today because you know they woke up today and there's just empty milk cartons everywhere.
And they're like, oh my God, I'm actually in hell.

Yes, you are because you drank all your milk yesterday because you thought your ass was being raptured. Guess what? You're not.

Now you have to go to the store and show your stupid face while you buy more milk. What a strange

final terrestrial act to do. It's like, well, I'm about to be raptured.

Let me drink a lot of milk i would do that that's what i would do dairy and carbs that's it it's like he's coming i would definitely go straight to the dairy and the carbs there would be a lot of bagels and cream cheese hanging out above yeah

100 because that's not sinful it's just tastes good um

so yeah bron was basically saying yeah i don't know how to i don't know how to cook steak so now they're sitting around and they're trying to eat this steak out of these bowls like this entire camping trip is actually low-key very frustrating to watch because they're so inept at it and heather's like this place feels like i could bring the girls up here rent an rv and like have a whole experience i'm like you just spent the past episode talking about how there was some prude ghosts trying to kill young women and now you're like it's a great place for my girls

uh-uh

no

no it's not oh yeah so she says she's gonna rent a whole experience we could fish but it's too late now because annabelle's leaving

And so everybody's just kind of looking at her. And Angie goes,

Do you mean she's going off to college? It's like, yeah, she's the last kid in the house. Wait for it, everybody.
I have a very touching monologue coming about Empty Nest Syndrome.

It's kind of a storyline. So, all right, prepare yourself.
Do we have any music? Do we have any? That would be great. I just brushed my teeth down the river.
Did you get that?

Okay.

Okay, America, get ready for a really compelling storyline for this season. Wow, she's the last kid in the house.
I can't wait for it to happen.

Like, it couldn't happen soon enough for me, and I feel guilty. I just feel like she's the last part of that era of my life, and I want it to be over with.
Gone, done.

Like, not my relationship with her, of course, but just trying to be a family, trying to be the mom and the dad.

Annibal actually said to me, she said, I feel like you've been in a fight or flight since dad left. And I said, I have been because it's just been like the kids can't get, can't get screwed up.

They can't get screwed up because then it would be my fault i'm like are we really sitting through another um mormon drama storyline from heather gay heather gay who like writes these books about like bad mormon out of the church but then we have to sit through like but now people will get mad at me if i mess up my daughters i was like well thank god you went onto reality tv which always is so healthy to all the families

Yeah, you know, she's doing the whole empty nester thing, but it's a twist on it because normally it's like, oh my God, you guys, the kids are leaving. What am I going to do?

I don't know how to live in a house anymore. Suddenly it's just all me.
And I've had my girls this whole time and now it's just me and I'm single. I'm like, what am I going to do?

That's usually the storyline. But Heather's isn't.
She's just like, thank God my kids are gone. I can't wait to not be their mother anymore.

It has been exhausting having to be there every single day for those little bitches. I am so glad.

Everyone's just kind of staring at her because it doesn't sound very sensible. I mean, it sounds kind of of mean, right? If you're watching it as her kids to be like, geez, mom.

I know, even though, even though that said, I understand what she's saying, like it's exhausting and hard. You're raising three kids on your own.
And, you know, I get that part of it too.

But it does sound like, ooh, I think everybody who was listening to it felt the same way because they do a pan around it, all the ladies sitting by the fire.

They're all sitting in a circle and they're all looking at how they're like.

And so she just keeps going. It's like a five-minute monologue.
And she's like, yeah, I was born to be a wife and a mother. And any desire to be anything outside of that was basically a sin.

And I was in charge of raising the kids. And he was in charge of providing and sitting in a hot tub outside.
And then when we left, I was still 100% in charge of raising the kids.

I've never had one single night off, not one night off.

You're on a trip right now.

You take five years.

You take five trips a year on this show, ma'am.

I mean, I mean, I know what she means. Like, you're a parent, right? I wonder if this is really just code for, like,

I want to take in a lover and I feel guilty about having sex in my house.

Is it really as simple as that? Because we haven't seen that. I mean, someone on Twitter actually pointed out that, like, we've not seen much of her romantic life.
We've seen nothing.

We've the closest we've seen of her having any sort of romantic life was that when she like got horny over that guy at Jen Shaw's house in season one. And there's nothing nothing wrong with that.

I just want to also add. It's not like she needs to have that, but she sort of talks a game a little bit, but we don't actually see any of that.
So maybe she has some sort of guilt about

bringing a guy around while she's raising these daughters. I mean, I get the impression, honestly, that she's just sick of men and their bullshit.
You know, she's probably been too disappointed.

I mean, and I'm probably projecting a lot of my own, my own shit onto her, but I've always looked at her as kind of similar to me in that way. Just like, no more time for this.

Like, I have no more time for this. But I don't know.
Maybe she has been hiding it. But I get what she's saying, you know, and the whole, it's been really hard.
And now I get to start a new chapter.

But she's kind of vacillating between like, this is great and feeling like she should be like, this is horrible. I don't know.
It feels like trying to kind of land a storyline.

And I'm like, I think so, too.

Also, I've met a lot of parents who are like, oh, thank God the kids are out of the house.

Like they always like, I think parents, my, from what I sense from, from my friends who are parents and family members is that, like, you want, you want your, keep your kids around because it's like you love raising your kids and it's like a special time in your life.

And you know that, like, once they go off to college, it's kind of like the, you know, it's like they're starting their real adult lives, et cetera.

And so, like, you want to cling on to it, of course, because sentimental and you love your children, but there's also a feeling of like, oh, I can do what I want now.

You know, like, I can, I can, I've done my, I've sort of, you never feel like you've done your job, but you sort of of feel like, okay, I can do the things I want to do. I can go travel.

I can do this and that. I can go, I can, I can see what brunch is like again, you know? And so I think Heather may be alluding to that, but she's trying to kind of like wrap it up in this,

like, and like whatever like tatters are left of her Mormon storylines of like, I was raised this way in the church to be a parent.

It's like, you know what? Like, Okay, fine. We can, we could do this again.
We can hop back onto the Mormon rodeo with you, Heather. But this one's a little, I don't know.

It feels a little bit more of a reach. It's season six.

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It's season six.

You're not the only one who has conflicted emotions about your children leaving the house. Jeez.
There's a whole show about it. Well, they have two nests.

Yeah. Well, that was the came back.

So you should be so lucky to have Dyna Manoff move back into your house, ma'am. Ma'am.
Dyna Manoff.

The kid everybody's been waiting for to return. Dyna Manoff.
I want Dyna Manoff to move in with Heather and be like, I'll be a daughter.

Shoulder mans. I look at that era.
It was really, really hard. And mostly hard because I couldn't show them it was hard.
I acted like it was perfect and normal. And I was just so happy and I was fine.

And I loved everything I was doing, but I was gritting my teeth the whole time with those little bitches. I'm exhausted.
Day in, day out. Daughters here, daughters there.
Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy.

Get out. Just get out.

Sounds like you have put a lot of non-Greek expectations on yourself.

Might I suggest Tahini? And Whitney's like, well, pay she didn't have a choice about it. Didn't she leave her husband? Or did her husband leave her? I forget about this.
I forget what the story was.

Did she leave her husband? I think she or did she, I think it was a church-related thing, right? Or the... No, she got kicked out of the church because she divorced the husband.

I think there was an alien abduction that like just severed their family and they just were not able to reconcile. Alien abduction.
So Bronwyn tries to relate.

Bronwyn goes, oh, Heather, like, obviously, I took a very different track. I was also raised, two parents, who were still together, 50 plus years, Mormon.

And when I had Gwen myself, by myself, I went through the same insecurity. Like, this is not how it's supposed to be happening.
I was supposed to have a family.

It was supposed to be marriage and a temple.

All that kind of stuff. But I feel the exact opposite of Heather, you know, because Gwen's graduated in October and she needs to be leaving.

And instead, I moved her boyfriend into our house so she could stay longer and he could pick up the poop.

Yeah, that's what I did.

Yeah. So I didn't think this was bad.
No. Yeah.

I didn't think it was bad. Yeah.
I think she was just kind of telling her experience. But Andrew goes, yeah, Heather, these should be the best years of your life.
And Heather's like, I know.

And that's why I feel guilty. That's why I feel guilty.
I just want him out. So Bronwyn talks about her and she's talking about how she's not prepared for Gwen to move out.

And then we get a clip of Gwen and the boyfriend making breakfast or something in Bronwyn's house. And Gwen has become Bronwyn.
Did you notice?

She's the same haircut. The exact same haircut, the same posture, the same nodding while she's making an egg or whatever.
She's like, yep,

I'm doing a dish. I'm doing a dish right now, mother.
I'm doing it right now. I don't want any of it from you about it, young lady.
I'm like, oh my God. This is frightening.

I mean, I get like resembling your mother in a way. I mean, let's face it, I'm a red wig away from being mine, but

this was weird. Like exactly the same.

Yeah.

So Bromwyn's like, I mean, what if Gwen moves out and I have, you know, all this time and space and freedom to do something fabulous with my life and I don't make something fabulous out of my life.

I don't know who I am if I'm not Gwen's mom. I'm like, I hate to break it to you, but you also have that time right now.
You're wealthy. So Bromwyn says, I'm just, I'm not ready to be done.

My insecurity is I haven't done enough with Quenny yet. Okay.
I haven't dressed her in a hot dog dress. There's so much more to do.
I need more time with her.

Quenn still has not gone to lunch wearing a bikini while it's snowing outside.

And that's something as a mother that I just can't, it just, although she did lie about having a diamond necklace last week and that made me kind of proud.

So she's like, yeah, I'm insecure because I feel like I need more time with her. So Heather says, but I feel like you're saying that I don't love my kids because I want them to leave.
No,

she didn't say that.

You are the one saying that you want your kids to leave and you feel guilty for wanting them to leave.

Are we in a movie theater? Because I'm seeing a lot of projection over there in that corner, Heather. Um, so Promo's like, What? And Heather's like, I mean, I love my kids so much, so much.

Well, I wasn't saying that. I was saying, I wish you wouldn't question why you feel like you have to do it that way.
You can do however you want, you know, however you did it. It's perfect.

That's that's what I'm trying to say to you. I wish you wouldn't question the way you did it.
She's like, What? Are you saying that I should be questioning? Are you saying I hate my children?

Are you saying my children are just as good as those animals over there of unknown

species? Oh, so now you're accusing me, accusing me of voting for post-birth abortion. Thanks a lot, Bronwyn.
Thanks a lot. She's like, No, I'm not.

So now you're saying I should just be able to infanticide my own teenage children. She's like, No, I'm not saying that at all.
Oh, so murder my children. That's what you're saying.

I hate my children and I should disembowel them right now. Right now.

It's wait. It's it's funny, Heather, because now I just want to be a stay-at-home mom and I can't be.
I'm actually going through the reverse.

Like this whole crisis of failure of my business has really made me just want to be home with my kids and my business fails and I can't be now and I still have to figure out how to make money.

Whitney just inserting her storyline into this like nascent fight. Heather's trying to make a fight out of nothing and Whitney's now trying to take the nothing fight and make it her own.

Yeah, Bronwyn inserted her thought. I mean, I think they're supposed to to be doing like you share and I share, right? It's like a girl's trip.
Yeah. You know, we're each sharing our feelings.

But Bronwyn does it. And Heather's like, oh, really? So I didn't do it your way.
So now I want to murder my children.

And then Whitney's like, well, geez, Heather, all I want is to be a stay-at-home mom. Heather doesn't jump on her.
Like, oh, so you, so you're saying I didn't want to be a stay-at-home mom?

Like, she's not jumping on her. She's just going to be mad at Bronwyn now.
Exactly. Wait, America, listen to this.
Over the last couple of months, Justin and I decided we wanted to start an adventure.

Oh, wait,

a venture together. So we merged Wild Rose Beauty into another entity.
And we were wildly successful to start. We sold fives of things.
And then business started plummeting.

And then we were just trying whatever we can to make it through whatever we're calling this phase of failure.

Yeah, so we see a flashback to her crying to Justin about how it's really, really hard having a failed business.

And Justin's like, Yeah, well, maybe this is Justin Warker that we need to balance it out more because, honey, we did go all in. Okay, it was all of our money.
Okay.

So while I eat these baked beans out of a can over the fireplace, you know, maybe it's not where it's supposed to be focused right now. Maybe we need to focus on actually making some money.

So I'm going to go back to the actual MLM company that makes money where I'm currently working and complain about how your MLM made no money. Okay, thanks.
Yeah.

it's funny how life will just keep you moving especially if you're on a pole and mary's like well it'll change yeah life will change not that anymore hey by the way how's robert doing robert jr

and so mary says that he's doing okay um and he's taking it day by day and some days are good and some days are bad he has highs and lows etc which is of course uh you know a little heartbreaking for us because i think a lot of us in the audience saw the headlines only from a few weeks ago that robert was recently

he recently was arrested. It sounded like he had a relapse of everything.
So I know that we all know that. He's trying to break into his father-in-law's home or something.

Yeah, he's going to get away from that lady. That wife, that needs to end that wife.
The wife? Why the wife? Why is it the wife? Because they're in a toxic relationship. I'm not blaming her for it.

I'm just saying that this is not a relationship that's working out well. Yeah, I'm sure her parents are feeling the same way.
Like, get the hell out of here. And they should.

Yeah, they were trying to get them. Remember that whole like kidnapping charge and stuff? Because the kid was living over there when she was underage.

That whole thing is a fucking mess. Those kids will get together.

Okay, let's get in there. Ronnie, get your anti-van.

It's ready. Like, I'm ready, especially one of them in there.
That's what I was after that Robert scene. I was like, oh, God, I'm showing up there.
Like, is this how we're doing it?

Because I have keys to an antivan. I will be showing up there anymore.
Yeah, just get one of them.

We are going to a job center. We are going to an employment center, sir.

okay.

So, um,

Mary is saying, you know, she only has one kid and she can't believe, you know, someone raised three, you know, and so she's saying, you should feel some type of accomplishment just for that, you know, like three kids and they're all leaving.

That's pretty amazing. And everyone's really quiet because now Heather's mad for whatever reason.
And Heather's initial story was a little cringe

because she can't spit. She's got hot dogs stuck in her teeth and she can't spit it out

she's facing the judgment of those quote-unquote animals across the river that are like look at that one look at that lady over there with that food stuck in her mouth not even chewing it like a gud so heather's like i cannot wait to get home to indoor plumbing a bed and the ability to tow my hands uh to what wash my hands with the sink that drains it's gonna drain and my daughter who's still there that little my daughter i can't wait to go home and take a bath and then see my daughter, who should be gone by now.

Can't wait. Can't wait to go home and get chained back up to that barnacle who I call my daughter.

Chains up to the barnacle. Oh, it's funny.
That's quite a role reversal for a barnacle, I have to say.

Barnacle's like, whoa, this feels nice. Nice to be attached to for once.

Barnacle's bragging to the other barnacles. Oh, are you guys still, are you guys still attaching yourself to things? Oh, someone attached to them.
Not being chained. Yeah, yeah.
I'm being chained.

So now, if the show hasn't gone low rent enough, the RV gets stuck in the snow. In a hole.
Talk about,

talk about a metaphor.

Heather did a whole story about yet again, had a different way that she's gotten fucked over by Mormonism. And we cut.
basically into a scene of an RV stuck in a hole.

And so they have to, everyone has to get out and push this RV RV out of the hole. And they do, actually.
They push

out Mary. Mary's like, no, I'm not, I will not be pushing an RV.
No. 100%.
So she just sits there. Good for her.

Good. But it's just so Salt Lake City when the entire cast has to get out and push the vehicle out of the muddy hole.
Yeah, set against the backdrop of dirty snow.

After a scene done all on folding chairs in a freaking camping site. I mean, eating the steaks

in the plastic wear in bowls that they can't cut the steaks. The cow is watching with judgment.

The cows are actually eating in a more dignified way. SLC is just so SLC.
And I love that every year they're like, you know what we're not going to do this year? Improve conditions for our cast. No.

Okay. We just want more big gulp cups and folding chairs.
Do we have permission to film on the shoulders of any freeways this year? Okay. We're just going to do this gorilla style.
Okay.

car.

That being said, I have to say I was refreshed. I was very excited to return to society.
In fact, I actually don't think it was like the smartest.

I didn't love starting the season off in this like dingy campsite. I think like it was funny, but I'd like starting in, you know, civilization and in normal life and then go on a trip.

But like just starting in like a shitty, shitty campsite with like mud and muck and like garbage everywhere and dumpsters and like a rotting, rusting school bus. I don't know.

I think we could, I think we, it was funny, but I like, I like going through the

bland,

um, the bland nowhere of these like suburbs that they live in. What, I don't know what's the right word.
It's not a bland nowhere. It's like the generic,

like,

uh,

I don't know. The words were gone.
Let's just, I'll just talk about it. Yeah, like the intro to the new season.
It's like, well, Sean and I still live in a house with a bed that is as big as a city.

So we do not have to touch, you know. Yeah, the generic suburbia of this cast, you know, Heather writing another book, like, I'm writing my third book, Burping Mormon.

It's about how I was never allowed to burp until I broke free of the chains of Mormonism. And now I burp whenever I want to.
Burp. Sorry.
I'm so sorry. It's so hard to let it go.

Just a recap on where we all stand with burping. Mary burps only once a month.
Ronwyn, I'm not sure if she burps or if she farts. And Meredith, if she did burp, she would never let you hear it.

I am your narrator, Heather Gay.

You exploited my burp china.

I have to say also, like half the charm of Salt Lake City is seeing the strange restaurants they go to. I mean, there was that season where they just ate at nowhere but like Cachina Toscana.

So now we see them back in their daily life. We get another one in this episode, which is great.
Yeah.

So yeah, Whitney and her kids, they're running and they're, she's running beside them while they e-bike. She's trying to race them.
It's wacky. And then we go to Angie and Electra walking Celia.

And Angie's like, look at Celia. She wants to go see her boyfriend across the park.
And she's like, that's a girl, mom.

Then she is a lesbian. We will go get her a lesbian dog.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Uh-uh. Great, great, great, great, Greek.
Great, great, great, great, great. It is quite Greek.
I mean, Isle of Lesbos.

That's Greek right there. That is Greek.

So then we see Meredith and Seth looking at turkeys. They're like, Wow, hey, Seth, I heard about this thing called animals, and we saw some big ones.

I don't know what they were called, but I was thinking that maybe we should look at some animals also. So they are looking at turkeys, and Meredith is like, the one with the red chin, is that the man?

And if it is a man, is it a toddler or is it a grown man?

Yeah, and he must be Mormon because he's got two wives.

Sorry, I'm a DJ now, so I have to do a beat when I laugh.

So now Heather is driving, and Angie calls her, and they're talking about going to Amy's party. Who's Amy, you guys? Oh, I'm going to Amy's party.
We don't really have socialites in Salt Lake City.

Our social structure is based on church. But if we did, it would definitely apply to amy she lives in a huge house she throws fabulous parties she's kind of a who's who of salt lake city

wow yeah amy i mean

she's a who's who and yet we've never seen her i don't think so i don't think so i don't know i don't know why let me tell you this amy knows a lot of people with really bad hair

Amy is a collector of friends with bad hair. See now, there was so much hair.
I thought, my God,

you've got Angie sitting right here at the party. She's got a hair salon.
Can someone please go? What are you people doing? Is this like bed hair? Is that what you people do?

It's just like you wake up and it's like, this is how God wanted it today. So I'm just going to put some hairspray on whatever shape I woke up with and I'm going out with it.
Fix yourselves.

Yeah, fix yourselves. Well, you know, if you seek Amy, then you got to have good hair, I guess.
So then if you're seeking Amy, just know this. Time Daily is not far behind.

La la la la la la la la. That's what I say about that.

So Heather, they're all excited because Amy, Amy's throwing a party.

And so Heather

now drives to Marco's Bistro to meet up with Lisa Barlow making her true in-person debut on the season because the FaceTime call and a flashback does not count.

So they arrive and she's like, oh, I feel like I haven't seen you on forever.

Like, I know. I've missed you too.
I just launched a great storyline about how I can't wait for my daughter to leave my house. You must feel the same way.

She's like, oh, yeah, your hair looks beautiful. And I don't know if she's going to be a little bit more.
And then the waiter comes up. The waiter comes up and he's like, hello.
Hi.

Oh my God. His eyes gold.
Is there anything I can help you? Oh, Jaboy.

You got one thing to drink.

Whoa, well, get the fuck out of here. I know this guy stands by the kitchen bossing around bus boys while he's jangling change in his pocket or something.
Listen here, creep.

Just get me an iced tea and back away. Back away slowly, sir.
That was a real treat for Crap is on demand.

If you don't watch Crap is on Demand, you miss Ronnie doing a very up close and personal person.

Hello.

Welcome.

That guy flaring his eyes, that was pretty iconic. That's amazing.
Also, he's a feather boa.

He does, but he also upstaged someone in the restaurant that someone on Twitter flagged. There was a lady sitting here.
Oh, no, no one's upstaging that girl. I'm telling you what.

No one's upstaging that girl. We had two icons right in a row on this.
Right in a row in the same scene.

And she is just looking at Heather and Lisa, like just giving up and down with such disapproving eyes, like, really?

Because Heather takes off her jacket. It's like winter, I guess.
It's always winter there, right?

So she takes off her jacket and she's wearing like a little mini skirt with, I mean, she's just so overdressed for this place.

She looks crazy.

She takes off her jacket. This girl just looks her up and down, I think five times and she doesn't even do it fast.
She does like a slow like,

looks at her mom and then looks back and does it again. It was so good.
The judgment.

It was like, this is why we got. sent to the side of the room because they had to film this person.

So at least

I'll have the carne asada oh i love carne asada because when i was young it was very the church was very against carne asada and now i'm having it whenever i can

yeah that's amazing so how was the truck like where did you guys end up going it's like provoke canyon oh really

and we were in an rv what mari combine i can't even bother ma just the way lisa reacted to this whole thing when she said when she said we went to provo canyon lisa went oh really

like gross

what the fuck were you doing in provo canyon don't you know they killed good time girl sir haven't you heard that

and lisa's like y'all sad not to be there with you guys uh someone wrote to us and said that i guess it was south by southwest weekend maybe she was there when this was happening.

So she chose South by Southwest, which explained the celebrities.

And my question is, I wonder, was she actually at a celebrity event at South by Southwest, or was she by just saying she was at South by Southwest, just lumping herself in with any celebrity that was at the event

there? Yeah, like anyone she saw passing on the street. I mean, it was a chance to see Blake and Ben.
So, but you chose. Hi, Ben.
He's across the street right now. Hi, Ben.

Yeah, we're having a lunch meeting on the, on the, you know, on the street right now. He's across 4th Street.
Hi, Ben.

Good meeting. Good meeting.
Good meeting meeting you. Yeah, I got you a bowl at Kava.

I'll beat you there. Commercials.

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So Heather's like, well, even though you physically weren't there, just like Martha Coolidge or whatever the name of that ghost was, you were part of the trip from the jump.

A lot went down. What was the name of Mary Sorensen?

Martha Sorensen? Yeah, Sorensen. Yeah, that's right.
Sorensen. My love for Lisa Coolidge, though.

Basically, Lisa, you were part of the trip from the jump just the way my daughter is part of my household seemingly for eternity. A lot went down.
Unlike my life when my daughter's around.

Well, I'm not just going to sit here and not say anything to Lisa. Part of our friendship is being upfront with each other and making me look good and the other girls looking bad.

So Lisa will like me and hate everybody else. Yeah.

Well, Bronwyn just dropped that she had been doing all this research on your businesses and your lawsuits. I'm like, this is all, this is a misrepresentation.

Like, maybe Bronwyn has done research, but like, also it was in the newspaper.

I'm sorry, if something is in the newspaper, I think, I think it really should be more like, get this, Bronwyn still uses legacy media.

That should be more of the shocker that Bronwyn sits and reads the newspaper.

Well, I mean, if she has all the cases, then I guess it would be true that she looked it up and got the cases, but they're out there and they were talked about in the paper. So fair.
It's fair game.

Yeah, it's very fair game.

I mean, I mean, Bronwyn did like, she clearly read things with like very carefully because she's pulling, she had, she was and continues to pull out specific references to these cases in a way that I know I wouldn't be able to if I just read it in the newspaper so she did she clearly has done more than read it in the newspaper but Heather makes it sound like Braun went and dug up stuff that was like not out there to use on this show and it's like this is public stuff Heather you're really misrepresenting the situation And we even see the clip of Bron one being like, it was in the newspaper.

Like it's literally in the newspaper. All you have to do is read.
And it's the Beverly Hills fight. You know, it's like, how dare you do research on me? What are you coming for me?

And she's like, honey, it was in the Los Angeles Times. And Kyle's like, who read it?

Who reads? Kyle. It is disgusting to read things about your friends.
Reading is offensive.

Oh, Kyle, what an idiot. So then we see her saying this.
And then Heather is like, it was clear that she was just there to annihilate you.

I'm like, do you remember your entire storyline last season where Bronwyn said one like shady thing in the car and you spent the next eight episodes talking about how Bronwyn was there to destroy like you were on a mission to destroy the newbie all of last season and now here comes Bronwyn who read something in the paper that about your own castmate but that's a cast that has had like controversy like this before and is like whoa this is crazy and on top of that bronwen i'm also is having a beef with lisa so of course she's going to bring it up like why are they why has heather surprise with this these two don't like each other anymore like of course she's going to bring this up and be and like dance in it well and i was thinking about it you know after i watched it as i often do i'll just sit there and think about it you guys like what did i learn tonight from salt lake city what did i learn but i was thinking about it and how crazy this relationship was and like the levels of all the fighting and i mean lisa and bronwen because lisa brings bronwin on as her friend right she's introduced as lisa's friend lisa's talking bronwen up this and that meet my friend she's so fabulous immediately bronwyn's like lisa it's not sticking up for me my stupid fights that I'm having with people.

And so turned on Lisa. And Lisa's like, what are you talking about? Like the whole season, Lisa was like, what are you even talking about?

I'm doing nothing to you. Like, I'm, what do you want me to do? Like, you're fighting with Heather.
What am I supposed to do about it? It's like, you don't even like me.

You're saying, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So I think that was Bromwyn's fault last year.

I totally still stand by that. I think Bromwyn was a total asshole to Lisa last year.
And then, of course, it was kind of easy because kind of everyone hates Lisa.

So by the end of it, she'd Lisa's also very easy to stir up. So then by the end of it, Lisa's playing down and dirty and it's about this necklace.
And I talked to this person about this necklace.

So Lisa got down and dirty by the end of last year. But in my mind, Bronwyn fucking deserved it because Bromwa was being an asshole that whole season.

So then this season, Bronwyn's like, okay, you're going to be an asshole to me. Then I'm going to come on and own all my shit and I'm going to be like you to you.

And so she's being like Lisa Barlow, basically. She's getting all of the Lisa, all the dirt and she's throwing it right in Lisa's face with confidence, not giving a fuck.

And now Lisa's having a breakdown. And it's hard to feel bad for Lisa because this is kind of a Lisa thing.
But ultimately, Bronwyn started it last year.

So I'm looking at it like this is all kind of low that you're taking someone's like lowest point while they're being trashed in the media and immediately first episode bringing it up.

Like that's kind of a dick move, but it's to Lisa. And Lisa spent the last part of her year coming for Bronwyn and all of her shit.

And there was all that shit with her kid and the kid's grandparents and all of that which was just really icky i think so i don't know it's just it's just so hard to pick a side it's like you have to stick with whatever the most recent shitty thing is and i think bronwin kind of won this episode i guess that was a 20 minute

me saying like bronwin just bronwyn won this one fair and square bronwyn like plays this episode like she and and we we are on the record we are big lisa barlow fans like lisa barlow we like love her Love her.

I'm endlessly amused and entertained by Lisa Barlow. Bronwyn won this one for sure.
I think, I personally think that last season, it was a little bit more,

was a little bit more nuanced or layered than just like, oh, you know, Bronwyn got into a fight and then Lisa didn't have her back. And Lisa's like, well, whatever.

And like that Bronwyn started it all. I think there was, it was more to it than that, but also like not enough to, that I really care to really take any stance on it.

I think that in this case, they enter the season, like, you know, it always resets. Okay.
So new season and they don't like each other.

There's this crazy thing happening. It's in the newspaper.
Lisa decided not to show up on the cast trip. She decided to allegedly maybe go to South by Southwest.

Or if it's not that, then she went to something else instead of being on the show. And

dangerous move to do that, especially if you've got like a sharp-tongued rival. And the stuff comes up and it comes up.
And that's just what it is.

And Heather is like, yeah, she was almost there just to annihilate you. Well, she probably was.
She probably was there just to annihilate Lisa because, guess what? They're in a feud, Heather.

And that's just how it goes. So, and I think it's really shitty and it's a horrible precedent for our friend group.

And I think it's something you need to squash immediately by getting Brahmin out of the friend group.

You know, that's what Heather's saying, because Heather wants, you know, that's all Heather wants, you know.

So, Heather's playing her own housewives game here, too, by just being like, Oh, I was the only one who stuck up for you in this whole thing so lisa's like wait how do you squash something that doesn't exist like a baseless claim that got dismissed and another one that's on its way to getting dismissed i mean we didn't even do anything it's like so dismissable it's like some

I mean, this whole thing is so dumb. Like, it's sort of like having regular Coke.
Like, that's so dumb. Like, what do you want to dig up like 15 years of my life and be like, oh, this is naughty.

Ooh, Lisa Barlow got tied to a poll by her classmates. Ooh, big deal.
Like Lisa has dismissed cases.

Like, obviously, that's, they're not that bright because anyone with half a brand would know a dismissed lawsuit is like nothing. It's like dismissed.
Like, no one sues the bottom bitch.

They all go over the top.

That's true. Do people sue the bottom bitch? I wonder if that ever really happens.
That's a, I think that was actually, it was a good line. It was a good line.

You probably could poke holes in it, but I think it was a good line in Housewives Talk. So Lisa goes.
Well, she,

wait, hold on. One of the things here about Lisa and her monologue, and this is how I know Lisa's in trouble, because normally I would come in here, like Lisa will handle Bronwyn easily.

I think she handled her pretty easily last year. So watching this, I was like, oh, Lisa will handle her.
No, because watching this, this diary room set this confessional, I knew Lisa was in trouble.

She looks insane. Her makeup, I don't know, her glam team was like, I'm not even standing by you.
Like they left. I don't know what happened.
She's got a full brown line at the top of her forehead.

She looks like a doll. You know, those like old Victorian dolls where they have like the foreheads and then their hair starts up here.
She looked like one of those.

There was like a full brown line of where her makeup started. Her hair was crazy.
And then her eye makeup was crazy and it looked like she had one black eye. And so when she, she closed her eyes.

It's like, you're a mess. Like she closed her eyes.
One of them was, it looked like it was swollen shut.

I was like, you look like Heather's storyline the season that supposedly she got punched in the face by Jen Shaw or whatever. I mean, what is happening over there? She looks like a man.

She looks like she's been kidnapped. She looks like it's the end of a night that she's been kidnapped and she's making a video.
And I knew she's in trouble. She looks like Molly Sorensen found her.

That's what I think.

So then Lisa's like, look, I'll see them at Amy's and I have no problem talking about it. She's like, well, what is going on with the lawsuit that they're even talking about?

Tell me, because I don't even know. As Heather suddenly is playing dumb.
dumb, Heather, who is one of the smartest people on this show and almost probably any other House Hive show, is suddenly like,

wait a second, there's a lawsuit happening. I don't know anything about it.
I don't even understand how this works.

And yet, somehow she's able to find out information that, like, Monica Garcia has a burner account that's been trolling them all. But, like, this is like something that's like widely available.

It's like, what? It's impenetrable. There's a lawsuit.
What? I don't understand things. I don't understand.
Like, come on, Heather. It's like reading.

where would you even read that what's a newspaper i've never heard of such a thing growing up mormon we weren't allowed to do that what are you talking about i can't wait for my daughter to move out so i could read newspapers again So Lisa's like, yeah, well, an old business partner from 15 years ago that we sold the business, sued us, and it's boss us and molest us and dumps.

And then we, and then, and then we have like another one, like in a couple of weeks, and it got dismissed immediately. Like, there's like no client.
So I was dismissed.

and it's ridiculous and i don't own the same kind of business as anybody else as this fun group and i love a very different life from all of you i hang out with blake gladly and ben affleck oh

do you know what it's like having a meeting with ben affleck when he's sitting across the restaurant of taco deli you don't you don't know you don't know what i go through you don't know

So, uh, Heather's like, yeah, um, you know, your life is not that different from all of us. Okay.
I do Botox in a strip mall with a dollar store. So pretty, pretty big to you, Lisa.
No, pretty big.

It is. It is.
Okay. Cause while you're doing Botox next to a dollar tree, I'm setting up high tops next to a dollar tree.
So that's different. I do a different thing.
Okay.

This is Lisa's problem. Just these little comments, you know, like she's so much better than us.
Like, you know, we get it. You don't want to be normal, but give the rest of us a little credit.

Why don't you?

So Lisa goes, did anyone stand up for me other than yo? And Heather's like, hmm, what about Meredith? Well, Meredith was, Meredith, you mean iconic? No, I meant like you were pretty quiet.

And she defended you at first, but around the picnic table, but then when the first lawsuits came out, but then it just kind of got really heated and ugly, especially when Angie kind of

piled on Heather.

Heather making herself sound like the only one who stood up for, when actually, the only one who stood up for Lisa was Brittany Bateman, by the way.

The only one who put herself out there and received blowback and ridicule was Brittany. And Heather just did the, well, I don't know what's going on.
You guys have to tell me.

Yeah, Heather played. Brittany was the one who stuck up for her.
And I think Meredith did a little sticking up for her too. She was like, well, I'm not going to talk about her when she's not here.

We should talk about this with Lisa.

Yeah. She did.
So, so Heather just goes to turn Lisa against everybody else, which works because Lisa is so easily swayed in these shows. Like she ends up losing it whenever they want her to lose it.

She's just, she has no control, right? So Heather's like, oh my God, are you crying? And Lisa's just like,

I wasted my Inspector gadget coat for this, for that.

Open the window, please. I might prevent a lading.

So Lisa is crying to us now in her crazy look with her like makeup black eye. And she's like, I'm just crying because I'm so frustrated.
I'm so frustrated.

And it's like all these years of sacrificing us giving 100%.

Do you know what it's like to have been in the same room as Robert Redford? Nobody does. Nobody does.
And now they're trying to tear it all down. They're trying to take it from me.

Yeah, I've done so many sacrifices. Do you know what it was like to leave my son? So that way I could go hang out with Blake and Ben.
Your son's in Columbia. Well, the other son.

Uh, he's very happy playing video games in his room. Oh, but it was still a sacrifice.
Okay, I'm missing critical events. Okay, like when my son, he beat that one level, that was really hard.

That was hard. Uh-huh because I've been putting everything into my brand.
Ugh.

And then you guys want to sit there and act like it's no big deal to rip it down.

It's okay to feel betrayed. You were betrayed by everyone except me.
And me. And the waiter.
Please leave.

You're making making us uncomfortable i'm just so frustrated for them to bring up shot to try and denigrate my character it's disgusting okay let's dissect everybody's life then because and then she starts doing the thing where she starts grabbing both sides of her hair with two fingers and like moving it like flipping it out and then moving it down saying okay you know what you want to dissect everyone's life because if they want to talk about mine you know what you're opening the door for me to talk about yours that's what you're doing the door's open

then heather now stirring storing shit up, then does the whole, well, I think you can clear it up. She's going to be like the nice moderate.

She's going to be the wise one who's going to bring people together when she already broke everything in the first place. So now we go.

Heather rolls. She gets everybody to fight.
And then she's like, we are women. And what women should do to do is stand together as sisters.
Sisters who were traumatized by Joseph Smith.

We go through the fire. We go through the water.
We deal with Molly Sorens.

And in the end, we come out stronger, but only if we listen to each other and then afterwards i will listen to all of you and turn it against you that is what we do as sisters

hello there this is a two-part recap okay this is the end of part one so thank you so much for listening to this uh just come back a little later for part two Watch what Crapins would like to thank its premium sponsors.

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