#3112 Southern Charm S11E04 Part 1: The Cat’s Out of the Bag

Audible's romance collection has something to satisfy every side of you. When it comes to what romance you're into, you can't be pinned down unless you want to be.

Here's your invitation to have it all. Fancy a dalliance with a duke or perhaps a sexy billionaire.
Find a book boyfriend in the city and another on the hockey field.

Or, if nothing on this earth satisfies, you can always find love in another realm. Hear modern rom-coms from authors like Lily Chu and Allie Hazelwood, the latest romanticy series from Sarah J.

Moss and Rebecca Yaros, and Regency favorites like Bridgerton and Outlander, plus all the really steamy stuff.

Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.com slash crappins. That's audible.com slash crappins.

You already know we love virgin voyages. This cruise line is more iconic than Ramona Singer's runway walk.
We're talking all-inclusive everything.

Wi-Fi, dining, entertainment, group fitness classes, everything is included. No hidden fees, no surprise charges.
And unlike most of the Cast of the Valley, all Virgin Voyages trips are 100% kid-free.

No room for loud toys and crying kids to drown out the sounds of the ocean. The destinations are amazing, too.
Some highlights are Ruba, St.

Lucia, New York, Miami, Iceland, and a below-deck favorite, the Med. Oh my God, the boats are beautiful.
They're so modern. The rooms are just so luxurious.

I love all the colored lighting in there and the balconies. And I also just love that they are tailored for adult experiences.
That makes me so happy.

Make your next vacation a fabulous one with Virgin Voyages. Learn more at virginvoyages.com or contact your travel advisor.

The holidays are coming fast and they're coming hard. And you know what? It's time for some last-minute gifts.
It's time for home preparations. And we don't need to be stressed about it.

We can embrace it and we can have fun with it that's why we use wayfair okay you can get it done properly you can get it done quickly i'm gonna get a whole bunch of new bedding because i'm gonna have some guests over the holiday and it's time to upgrade the bedding and wayfair which i never really even looked at wayfair for bedding but it has gorgeous comfy bedding i just got a beautiful soft feathery blanket you know for cuddling up and on the bed you know the blanket that you put between the bed sheet and the bed spread

delicious Wayfair makes it easy to tackle your home goals and gift list with endless inspiration for every space and budget.

Fast and easy delivery, even on the big stuff, so you can get what you need when you need it. No more huge delivery fees for furniture.

Get big stuff like sofas, dining tables, beds, desks, and more shipped for free. Find all your must-haves from furniture and decor to appliances and cookware all in one convenient place.

Get last-minute hosting essentials, gifts for all your loved ones, and decor to celebrate the holidays for way less. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home.
That's w-a-y-f-a-i-r.com.

Wayfair, every style, every home.

Hello and welcome to Watch What Crap Ends, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo. We just love to talk about.
I'm Ben Mandelker.

Joining me today is the illustrious and joyous and holiday cheerful Ronnie Karam. Happy bagel Thursday to you, Ronnie.
How are you? Oh, hello, buddy. How you doing?

I'm great. As I mentioned, it is bagel Thursday.
I had a bagel this morning and I'm feeling full of joy and life because that's all I need to get through the week is my weekly bagel.

We are here to talk. I have a croissant.

You had one? Look at that. I did.
Because I went to get a lot of people. I might get one today.

And there's a French bakery called Baguette aux chocolate right next to my Botox place. So I went there and I said, hand me one of the house specialties.
And she said, ouch.

And I said, baguette a chocolate.

Like,

what do you fucking think? You French idiot. Give it to me.

And then I scarfed it right there in front of her face so she had to watch me eat every crumb of it while my eyes bled from Botox.

I might get that. I have to go get a prescription.
And

the doctor's office where I get the prescription from is like across the street from a bakery. So like, it's the best thing.

Cause if you ever have to go to the doctor and then you're like, well, I deserve a treat. There's literally a bakery right there.
So guess what? That's what I said.

Yeah, that's what I said. I came out of there and you know, like I was bleeding above my, I still have some blood right here.
God damn it.

So I was bleeding and I was like, like I deserve a treat and I was like you know Botox is a treat it's not like I just went and got a tooth pulled like it's you don't get a treat but I did anyway it was great

but also I'm going through a really weird time over here and I did need a treat I think I have a porch of death I think my porch is killing things did another bird die No, okay.

So where the bird came and flew into the window, which I still have to look at this goddamn imprint every day because I can't reach the window. It's too high to reach it.

So that's above this patio, right? So this little back patio, ever since I moved here to Texas, which was in COVID, there have been little things dying up here.

There was a big hairy spider that looks like a, what do you call the big hairy ones? It's a huge band. It's like this big.
Maybe it's

probably a tarantula. A couple of them

have climbed up there. Well, they're brown.
They're a different kind. I've looked them up.
That's like a tarantula.

Yeah, it's like that, but it's called something else. But is those, it's like a brown, brown tarantula.
I don't know what they're called, but yeah, it's a tarantula, basically. And they're huge.

And a couple of tarantulates. They crawl right up to my patio door and then they just die.
And I'm finding these dead bodies. Okay.

And then there was a huge scorpion, which was not a normal little scorpion. I think I've told you about these before.
They're huge. They're also like little shoes.
They're huge. Also dead.

A scorpion. Then the bird.
And then this morning I was letting Bueller out. I mean, these are all things that I would like.
I mean, no offense to these animals or these critters.

But like you want to feel right.

I'm like, if you tell me this thing came onto my porch i'm like please die right there and don't go any further i'm like this sounds great the the tarantulate died the scorpion died you're like they're definitely there was a reanimated body it looked like a zombie came up to my porch and then it died too no you're right there are definitely things that are on a kill list anyway but they come up and they die well the bird i mean i don't know if it was actually i feel bad for the tarantula tarantulas i think are pretty docile these are not even poisonous okay so a couple of those a couple of the scorpion things, this bird.

And then today I was letting Bueller out and he started like getting into something. And I was like, no, no, get away from that.

And it was a pile of, sorry to be gross, but it was a pile of like vomited up food. And it wasn't him because he had just eaten, but he didn't barf.
I mean, I was right with him.

And it wasn't last night because I was with him last night and it wasn't there. He didn't go to it last night.
So I think somebody came up and like barfed on my patio and then left.

Like, first of all, who does that? But I was like, is this thing dying too? Am i killing things on this patio like what's happening on my porch

the the mystery vomit is i think it's time that you install a ring camera out there you know those fun you know get animals

but my my friends ann and aseim they got a place up in sebastopol california and they put up a little camera It wasn't a ring camera because they're Google people, so they have a Google camera up there.

And they, let me tell you something.

It's like Animal Highway. All it is is just animals at night, and it's the best.
The footage that they have, they got a bobcat on there, coyotes, racks. Stop making me jealous.

You know, I've been trying to get a bobcat on my camera now. A baby bobcat kitten.
A bull kitten.

Why don't you put a camera out on your porch of death and you can see what's going out there and phantom vomiting on it? Because it goes for like human movement.

It doesn't usually get animal movement, but I will. I'm going to try it.
I'm not going to make that suggestion. It will get it.

It will get it. It will get it.
Something's happening. We'll make it there.
And I think that I'm a dark harbinger of death is what I think is happening. I think I'm like a grim reaper.

The vomiting is just coming up and dying. And so I'm getting a fucking chocolate croissant, all right, while I'm murdering the world.
I might as well.

If it makes you feel any better, if the vomit, if the person who vomited died on your porch, their body would have been there too. They just, they actually survived the cat.

They vomited and moved out. I think it's somebody's cat or something because it was like whole, whole chunks of food.
And so I think like maybe it's dead under my porch. I don't even want to know.

Is there an owl pellet? Maybe it's an owl. Was it an owl pellet? No.

Those don't look good vomit. Look, it's whole food.
Anyway, the point, we don't need to spend the whole day on this. I just, I'm just telling you, I needed a chocolate croissant today and I got it.

So thank you, Bigeta. You know what I'm talking about a lot.
It's like, you know what, Bigetta chocolate? I've had a rough day. I saw some anonymous vomit on my back porch and I deserve a croissant.

I mean, if there's anything about seeing mystery vomit, it's wanting a croissant.

That's the thing that I want. Come forward.
I get that. All right.
Well. Anyway, the point is, welcome to Watch What Crap and sorry for everybody.

I know we're supposed to be recapping TV shows and we're six minutes into it, but sometimes you got to get shit off your chest. Okay.
Today is Southern Charm Day. Welcome, everybody.
Who will sell it?

Original. Try to get

the original back patio vomit. Southern Charm.

Don't forget our Patreon. Patreon.
Our bonus episode this week is we did a trailer trash on the summer house trailer. And on Monday, we obviously have our Amazon Live.
We also have our last

crappy hour of the year. And we have a very special guest

who

I am going to fangirl over.

I'm not going to lie. It's going to be a mess, everyone.
So anyway,

that's going to be very exciting. Let's get into Southern Charm, as you already tried to do about 30 seconds ago.
So we are still at

Witness 11 episode 4, a movable feast.

Beasts.

Beasts. A movable beast.
Oh, I get it. Cause it's a

joke. It's a pun.

Yeah. It's a pun.
I get it. Because it's a literary birthday dinner.
It's insane right now.

So where we left off. Basically, the man in the sea.

The old man in the sea. Hemingway.

When we last left off,

Austin was making little comments about Craig. He's like, look, it's ridiculous.
I mean, it's crazy. Craig, look at him.
Just like he's from the hook. And Craig is like, Austin, you're so unhappy.

Stop talking about me. You're unhappy because you live a lie and you'll never be happy because you're lying.
You're stupid. And everyone was like, oh, my God, Craig is so hostile.
He's dangerous.

Be careful. He's got a gun.
And then we got my favorite piece of first time acting from Charlie. He was like,

oh my God.

They're all shaken. Look.
Craig flies off the handle. We've always noticed it, but they're really acting

like he had a chainsaw and was running through that party. I mean, I just feel like, like, yeah, it was, it was a lot.
He was being extra, but they were like, I've never seen him turn that way.

I was like, I know. It's my reaction to Meredith on the plane on Salt Lake City.
I'm like, are you people new to this show? You've never seen this in behavior before? It's Craig.

But Craig was fucking rude. He's terrible.
Yeah, yeah. And you know the thing? The guys on the show are just such bad friends to each other.
They always have been.

They've never been solid friends to each other. But Craig, the second he gets pissed off, it's like, oh, I'm just going to dump all your shit right here on national TV.

You know, we all know Austin's been cheating on this girlfriend since we know that Austin is dating a girl three hours away because he's going to cheat on her every night and he can still get reputation.

What do you call it?

repair, reputation repair on national TV. And people can all pretend he's a nice person who's settling down and being kind to a girl for the first time in years.

But we all know that man has been cheating all over the country. And nobody believes for one second, at least on this show, that he hasn't been doing that.

We didn't need you to tell us, Craig, but you're his friend. So you outing him for that is really shitty.

Well, also, we had to sit through an entire season of Craig acting like he's so evolved and he's in a new state of his life and he's a nice guy and all he wants to do is have some kids and plant some flowers and he's just sweet, lovable Craig.

And he's just such a dick. He really is.

He's a total dick. And like, I think he was actually a dick to Austin.
Now, Austin is not innocent.

Austin was being fast-aggressive, making little comments, but he was, but he was muttering them quietly. And what he thought was out of your sight.

Unfortunately, what Austin doesn't realize is that his lips flap so much, everyone knows what he's saying at all times.

So like,

you literally cannot tell him to shut his mouth. He can't do it.
Okay. It's impossible.
He's like,

when he's quiet, he's like.

He's insane right now. It's insane.

So Craig is just to say, I'm sorry, while we're still talking about what an asshole Craig is, we said the minute Paige leaves Craig, he's going to become the exact same Craig we knew before, which he did in record time.

I mean, that's crazy.

Another thing is, right when that breakup happened and they went to the reunion and he was acting like this huge victim, there were gossip stories like, oh, Craig's dating Molly, or not Molly, Sally.

We've seen Craig out with Sally. And they're like, oh, no, how could you? Blah, blah, blah.
Well, of course, that looks like it was true now. And what's the other thing I was going to say?

Oh, Craig is like, oh, I'm such a homemaker. This and that.
It's me, Craig, with my pillows, my remodeled house. Reddit was putting out pictures this week of Craig's countertop.
Have you noticed it?

The waterfall countertop, that it's not,

it's not cut at an angle. You know how you're supposed to cut it at an angle, like a picture frame or whatever? Instead, it's like straight and then it's just laid straight on top of it.
That is so.

That's not a waterfall. That is just

two slabs. Yes.
I love Reddit for picking. I love him for shaming his waterfall.
His waterfall, his been inside.

I can't believe we didn't notice it. Why are you going to try and be the new Martha Stewart when you have a waterfall that looks like that? Wait, I want to see it.
I want to see it. I want to see.
Oh,

I want to see my bad waterfall. Okay.
Yeah, find it for me and put it up on the page because I'd like to see it. Okay, so while you look for that, let me tell you, let's start into this.

So basically, they're all like shooketh that Craig was acting crazy. And Rodrigo's like, I don't know if I was drooling with my mouth open or if I spilled my drink.

And I was like, no, I didn't mean it for it to happen. I just have no fucking idea what just happened.
We just had an argument. It's insane right now.

And Charlie's like, it was just like playful, sarcastic comments. Look at him.
He's shook it. And Shep is like, gosh, isn't our whole friendship based on snarky comments?

They're all like, they're like, wow, I can't believe Craig just, they are, they literally act like Craig. drove off a cliff.
They are so rattled by this entire scene. It's kind of hilarious.
They are.

And I think it's also because Craig has the eyeliner on that's smeared all over his face where it makes him look extra cray-cray. Okay, guess what? Record time.
Found the picture.

Here is Craig and his waterfall that is not metered. That's what they call it, metering.
Not metering. Look at that.
Oh,

that's bad.

Look at that.

Wait.

Is it what's oh, I see, that's the TV. I was like, what's that? But what's that other texture that's below it? That's someone's wall.
Oh, interesting. What do you mean? Someone's wall.

This is the countertop here. Is this what you mean? I know, but like below it.
See, look below. There's like a beige textured surface.
No. That's someone's wall because it's.

Oh, is someone taking a picture of their TV? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I thought that was his computer.

Yeah, I guess that is bad because it's supposed to be one. Yeah, wow.
Wow.

Guys, if you want a podcast to come to where we're going to shame your countertop, you have found it this is the place you have carol radzwell would never sit on it never

so austin's like i don't fucking get it but like i'm not gonna let my evening be ruined by an insecure man boy like i'm gonna sit here at a friend's fucking birthday and be able to move on that's what hairmione would do

Literally, you're not going to be able to move on because you're going to storm out of this party in a little bit. And also, you're all insecure manboys.
I hate to break it to you.

So Vanita and Craig are like, they go inside to plate the dinner because it's going to be this big family thing with like green rigatoni and whatever.

And so Witner is like, hey, what were you guys yawning about out there?

It's scary when people yell because I had a fiancé who left me once. And Craig is like, for reasons I can't remember.
Just don't, lots of reasons. don't really matter.

Don't really understand one of those reasons, but I'm sure it was her fault.

Austin cannot get over the fact that I'm single and having fun and he's in a relationship and he doesn't want to be in it and he's trying to juggle that because he thinks it's going to come out.

Craig is, it's so funny because last season it was that Austin's jealous. Wasn't it, wasn't it like

Craig is in a really good relationship and Austin's jealous that he's in a really good relationship. And this season, it's like, now I'm single and Austin's jealous that I'm single.

Yeah, that's how they are with each other. They just take turns doing this to each other.
So

they take some food outside and Witner's like, there will be no more fighting at my birthday party.

And he's like, even though I'm a lawyer, I'm not a litigator. So I don't like conflict.
He gets my blood pressure going. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
I'm going to need more from Witner.

What do you think of Witner so far? I actually really like him, but I am also concerned that he may not realize what reality TV is all about. Because it's,

it is your circus and it's literally your monkeys.

There's a little pygmy marmoset that has a little label on it that says, Whitneer's Pygmy Marmoset. Like, this is your monkey, actually.
So, get used to it. Yeah.

It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Krappins commercial.

Cold mornings, holiday plans. This is when I need my wardrobe to just work.
That's why I'm all about Quince. Quince makes the essentials every guy needs.

Mongolian cashmere sweaters for $50, Italian wool coats that look and feel designer, and denim and chinos that fit just right. Their outerwear lineup is no joke.

Down jackets, wool topcoats, and leather styles that are built to last.

Each piece is made from premium materials by trusted factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production.

By cutting out the middlemen and traditional markups, Quince delivers the same quality as luxury brands at a fraction of the price.

It's everything you actually want to wear built to hold up season after season. And you know, in Los Angeles, it doesn't get very cold here, but it can can get a little chilly.

And I have my beautiful Mongolian cashmere sweater from Quince, and it has been perfect for these chilly evenings.

Yeah, I think we keep saying Mongolian cashmere so much when we're talking about Quince that that's what I went for too.

I got a Mongolian cashmere hoodie, like a camel-colored hoodie, and it's comfortable and it is

gorgeous.

Get your wardrobe sorted and your gift list handled with Quince. Don't wait.
Go to quince.com/slash crappins for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too.

That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash crap ins free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash crappins.

Growing a business is complicated. Your network shouldn't be.
Connected workplace from T-Mobile for Business gives you fully managed business internet.

That means network configuration and equipment tailored to your business needs and performance monitoring to keep systems and operations running smoothly.

One cost-effective solution to connect and support across locations so you can focus on what's next. Accelerate your growth on America's most advanced 5G network.

Start now at t-mobile.com slash connected workplace.

So Sally, who's like Craig's girlfriend now, I'm not really sure what she's doing, but she's like, are you okay? She's doing that girlfriend thing where she's like, are you okay?

Like petting him. He's like, me? Yeah, I'm okay.
Why wouldn't I be okay? And Austin's just watching him with a headband, which is so funny. And Vanita's like, I just heard people yelling.

And Madison's like, that shit says communicating.

So Sally sits down next to Craig and she's like, I just want y'all to be friends and not to fight. Well, I'll tell you what, I'm not arguing.

Okay, looking like this tonight, because if I was going to argue, I'm not going to show up dressed allegedly like Shep, but somehow looking like Sandy from Great British Bake Off.

And of course, Vanita is subtle as ever and comes right behind Austin and hugs him from behind really close and goes, Craig came out inside. And he was like, Well, Austin's being this and that.

And little does he know, I'm Team Austin and not Team Craig.

I'm going to need you to find some subtlety, Vanita. Okay.

I need some silent fighting from, I just need better fighting from Vanita.

Fight better.

Well, she does say, beat his ass. So Vinita says, the thing that bugs me the most about Craig is that he knows he can get away with murder and this group lets him.

and I can't be friends with someone like that which uh is fair in fact but all three guys can do the same thing so

it's like the people who come on the housewives whenever there's a new character on housewives and they're like oh my god all these women do is fight I can't be around people like this what the fuck do you think you auditioned for you they didn't just pick you up off the street you sent in videos to be on this show ma'am

so Witner says well everyone welcome to a Slagsvall dinner party.

It does go without saying that all the styling, it was Vanita. All right.

Now that the Queen Bee has taken her seat, thank you, everyone, for playing along with the theme and coming out in full force for it. Madison, I still don't really understand what you're doing.

I mean, I know you're dressed as Chef, but it's really... Really concerning.
And I say this as someone who's also looking at Craig dressed as the guy from Hook and Austin dressed as Hermione. So

anyway, thanks. I had a fun idea for a party and y'all both, y'all ruined it.
Thank you so much. I will say it was nice to have Sally running around people asking for people to look at her holes.

But everybody, thank you so much for being here.

I hope we're together every day of my life.

And so Madison's like, hi, shit. When you look at me, is it like looking in the mirror? And he's like, a phone mirror.

So Whitney's like, you know, I look forward to another year around the sun with all of you by my side, unlike my fiancé who left for reasons that we just don't seem to know do we hmm

yeah so now they're gonna eat and uh they've got linguine with crab and then some cabbage and then some angel hair pasta with no meat how many meat y'all got here just make sure

you guys got here I know they got rigatoni, linguini, and angel hair pasta. This is a pasta.
Why are there so many pastas? I think you got a lot of people. Is there a lot of pasta in literature?

Is that a literature thing? A literary thing?

Do we have someone here as like Tony DiPaola to represent the author of Stregonona? What is happening? This is very bachelor throwing his own dinner party.

I'm so proud of myself that I pulled that guy's name out of my head. I was like, ooh, this is going to be a hard one, Ben.
You can do it. Get the Stragonona author.
You can do it for the podcast.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I've heard the Stragonona from you before, but not the author's name. The author, I was like, can I do this? Can I actually do this? And watch the name of this game.
You were here today.

Imagine if his name is not even that. And I'm so proud of myself.
Guys, I remember the Tregonona author. They're like, oh, you mean?

Dean Koontz. Dean Koontz presents Streganona in Sahara.

And Charlie's like, wait, did you cook all of this? Charlie, okay, I know you're dressed like you're in a silent movie, but.

I actually love Charlie's acting. I don't even know why.
I don't know why I was about acting. I actually ain't about Charlie because I really like her over acting.
I think it's really funny.

Yeah, I actually was like watching this episode and I was like, you know what? I actually like Charlie. I think last episode I was like, what a brat.
She's such a brat.

You know, sometimes you get like, guess what? Brat Summer. Am I right? Brat's not a bad thing.
We like Brat. We love that shade of green.

Yeah, well,

God, Charlie X, yeah, X.

It's a southern show where the people come on and Whitner does it later where it's like, oh, I'm so close to my family and we all dress the same for Christmas and there's 10 of us, and we're all blonde.

You know, when you're driving behind a minivan, there's stick people all in the back to represent, that's us, that's us. It was based on my family.

You know, those people are just kind of annoying in general. It's like, oh, yo, with your happy fucking family, and you're matching pajamas.
Wow.

So you weren't sent to Weight Watchers at 11 years old. Good for fucking you.

You know, there's part of me that's like that, but I can't hold that against her. She's a beauty queen and a debutante and all of that.

Yeah, just kidding. Or allow it,

but I still like her.

Yeah, I like her so far. Also, the Strikonona author's name is Tommy DePaula, and I'm saying that only because I bragged about knowing the guy's name.

And then someone's gonna be like, Actually, his name is Tommy DePaula. So, guess what? I consider myself corrected.
Like, I came very close by calling him Tony DePaula. Okay, so they have a word.

Damn, Dave. Would you like to have a word?

Clink, clink, Strekanona.

Strekanona's not invited invited to the posh fashion show.

So, anyway,

they're just all hanging out. And so, Craig whispers to Charlie's ear, Maybe I can cook for you.
Because he's flirting with both Charlie and Sally over the course of this dinner.

I think he's just going to see which damn breaks first. I've seen Craig cook.
Remember when he took all that frozen meat in a bag and just dumped it all over the grill and then closed it?

That's how Craig cooks. No, you will not cook for me, sir.
So, she just takes a drink and doesn't answer because she feels Charlie's eyes boring through her skull right next to her.

And Craig's like, did you find me a painting? Because I thought you were going to pull stuff for me.

And then we see clips of him at the gallery saying, I wish I could buy a piece that's a panda for a tiger in watercolor. Do you have those? Watercolors.

So Charlie's like, well, I do have things that I will bring, but it's easier if you like send me measurements and stuff and tell me what you want and all the, you know, kind of basic fundamentals that you just seem to be failing at.

He's like, okay, I can do that. So Sally's watching and she's like angry.
So then Charlie sees that Sally's watching her. So then Charlie's like, oops.

And Charlie's like, but guess what? I don't want to talk about work right now. No, this is a bad time to talk about it.
Cause she's like trying to step away. So she doesn't violate Sally's girl code.

Yeah, so Shep's like, there's a thruple. It's Sally, Charlie, and Craig.
And I don't know who's jocking for what position and why. I can't read that room because I'm not in it.

Left out in the cold.

The bolognese is on point. It's almost as on point as Hamlet is heartbreaking.

So Austin's like, he's like, oh, man, I already got shit all over my shit. Wow, what a surprise.
Austin eating bolognese somehow got bolognese sauce all over himself. I wonder what happened.

Did he put it in his mouth?

Sprayed out like the bullets in that game contra? Listen, i don't have many rules but if you're gonna be eating with uh austin don't feed him bolognese

red sauce is a no who does people will think that he got an axe to the stomach they're like oh my god that man is bleeding it's like no he's just talking that's just the bolognese coming out the person across from him looks like a horror movie just like covered in red splatter scary they actually like okay

like uh we're gonna need uh special effects up here to give uh uh cc space x some blood all right bring in austin bring in austin give him some bolognese okay carrie just stand right there right in front of his face.

So Madison makes fun of Craig's eyeliner, and Austin's like,

he's crying for fucking stomping up the plate.

So Craig's watching Austin. He's like, so amazing.

And Sally's like, Madison, I feel so far from you. Madison's like, I know.
Madison. I just feel like, you know, your shit is all the way down there and you're so far away.

Hey, Craig, she just rolled her eyes at you. Did you see that, Craig?

I'm pissing everybody off.

So Madison checks in on Austin and asks if he's all right. And he's like, I just can't pretend anymore.
I can't even pretend anymore.

So then Craig and Sally are whispering. And Craig's like, I hate getting triggered.

Well, this is the first time I've seen that side of you. You want some Southern comfort? Let me help you out, big boy.
We just trigger each other. Are we 12? Yeah.

Look, you're too old to be sitting there being like, but I was triggered in your fucking Peter Pan cast member outfit. Rufio.

So Sally's like, yeah, I can see that. But his comment wasn't nearly as bad as yours.
I think you took it to a deeper level than what he did. He's like, oh, so then, like, what do you want me to do?

She's like, apologize. He's like,

I don't understand.

Like, now they may have another beer. I'll go with you.

I'll go with you. She goes with him to get his beer.
So then we go to Shep and Charlie and he's like, will you hold my gun? She's like,

was that like

a real gun? Or he's like, yeah, my actual gun. I'm not hitting on you inappropriately.
It's season 10.

And she's like, oh, this gun is like kind of heavier than I thought it was going to be.

Okay, I won't say it because then he is going to tell me that I'm unhappy, but I can't.

So I can't say that like that's a, that's what she said, joke but like it kind of was it's like wait why can't you say i mean i have i appreciate you trying not to say that's what she said because that is so played out and it's been like 15 years like the only thing more tired than a that's what she said is a winning you know moment but like what does that have to do with craig saying that you're unhappy that felt like a stretch i felt like austin was trying to go out of his way to complain about Craig while doing a that's what she said joke yeah um so then we go back to uh Craig, uh, who's inside, and he's like, oh, he just keeps talking under his breath.

It's like, douchey, okay,

triggered. So then we go to Austin and Charlie, and Charlie's like, um, well, you can say that.
Why shouldn't you be able to say that's what she said?

And he's like, no, because that means that I'm unhappy and I shouldn't be in a relationship because I say things like that.

Austin, keep running your mouth. That's what she said.
Stop it. Stop being unhappy while I do my monologue.
Chef's gonna say something that will ruin your life. That's what she said.

Wow. You're so completely unhappy.
I won't say it because she said it. Wow.
But Chef will say something because he told me about it and it will literally ruin your life.

And that's how I know that you're not happy because you wouldn't have done what Shep knows about if you were happy and you wouldn't be talking shit to me.

This is so messed. First of all, this is a very,

this is not a very good way to

say what you're trying to say but also like what a dick what a dick i can't like him doing this it's like okay i'm gonna like i'm gonna drag shep into this and well shep inserted himself as you know one could say one could say but like he's basically now throwing shep under the bus and i'm like god craig you're shameless I was throwing both of them under the bus at the same time because Austin made a joke about Sally being in his hot tub.

I mean, come on.

So Chef's like, I don't know about anything.

Craig, I'm not even mad at you, but bro, you just fucking popped off of me. He's like, of course you're not because you threw the first punch.
Ow, triggered. It's like, oh, I didn't punch Craig.

Then why'd you make a smart ass comment?

And he's like, you just fucking thing, dude. Fucking thing right now.

Rodrigo says, listen, this is not the dinner I thought we were having. I'm like, Rodrigo, this is literally the dinner that everyone knew would happen.
You've been on this show now a few years.

You know that when these three dumb dumbs get together, they have a stupid spat every single time.

Rodrigo is just basically the extra in the music man where everybody finds out that he was a grifter the whole time. He's just like,

me,

he's always shocked in every scene, just like literal hand over his mouth, his wide open mouth. Like, oh.

So, Madison's like, oh, go ahead. Go ahead, Madison.
I was going to say, I think that Craig crossed the line tonight and not in that cool alpha way, but in a beta way.

And like, you just got to talk with him. Like, how many times are we going to fucking do this? I'm sick of it.
Okay. We're just supposed to be laughing about my wig.

And instead, we're talking about you two idiots. So Austin goes with Craig inside the house.
Molly is like, wow, what a birthday, right? Oh, you can meditate on it.

And Vanita's like, so Shep, what do you have on Austin? Like, Vanita's like, I'm not making small talk about a fucking trumpet or whatever the fuck that lady's about to talk about.

What do you have on him? And Seth's like, oh, okay, here's what happened. Dooly, doody, dooly, dooly.
That's what she said.

Okay, two fucking 25-year-old girls came up to me in New York City in the West Village. And it was like, you're a friend of Austin, and blah, blah, blah.
And I said, I don't want to know.

I do not want to know. Do not tell me anything.
Leave me the fuck alone.

So it's totally unsubstantiated.

It's totally unsubstantiated. The point is, that really is what the she said.

Well, why would you go to a liberal bastion like New York City in the first place? I don't know, but I was so stupid and not newsworthy. And then I just decided not to say anything.

But I did ask Craig, I go, should I say something to him? Because I don't want to interrupt his peace.

Shep, who famously never wants to interrupt someone's peace, he's always very considerate about someone's mental well-being, especially when playing games involving egg tossing.

Well, Craig's the wrong person to ask about that, just like it would be a New Yorker would be the wrong person to ask if you wanted their opinion on a town without socialism.

When I told Craig, he said, don't tell anybody, just let it melt away. I think his technical words were, that's what she doesn't say.
And now he threw me under the bus to strengthen his position.

Gersh!

Yeah, and you know, poor Shep, he was thrown under the bus here, but let's not pretend that he didn't tell Craig so that Craig would carry that information and embarrass Austin so that Shep would keep his hands clean, because that's exactly why he did it.

So I think Craig kind of just beat him at his own game in a way of being like, oh, really? Well, Shep, I'm wasting your season, your episode five storyline, Shep.

You have to do it right now at this party. I actually disagree a little bit.
I think that Shep

is like more than happy to pull out information and just say it.

I mean, literally look at him at BravoCon, that footage of him talking to like strangers being like, that entire relationship was a sham. Peter Jacerbo, look at it, look at his ridiculous.

He's happy just to shit on a relationship like and be the person to do it. So I actually personally don't see that he was trying to get Craig to do his dirty work.

But what I do see is that he was not going to Craig to be like, what should we do about poor austin it was probably like this guy's such a fucking idiot he's playing everyone acting like he's innocent a lot of they probably talk to talk shit about austin but i do think that craig probably was like that's the thing with austin he's totally a piece of shit blah blah blah blah blah but now in this fight he acts like oh he wasn't part of the shit talking and he just puts it all onto onto shep which is such a craig thing to do yeah i just don't see shep telling craig and expecting any other result i mean you're telling Craig and also in the BravoCon thing that you're talking about, he was railing against Craig.

You know, what a phony fucking relationship that was. He's always railing against Craig.

So I think his way, I think he's like, okay, you guys fight and I'll just stay, I'll just stay the nice one this season. I'll get you guys fighting.

But Craig just interrupted that and did it way too early. Cause, you know, Shep was saving that up.
There's no way that girls are going to come up and tell Shep that Austin is cheating.

And that Shep is not going to say something during the season or get it out there in some way.

You don't think?

think i think if shep wanted the word to get out i think he would have told it to like well i think he would too but i think he's gonna wait i think he i think his plan was like to kind of wait for this story you know like to do when he wanted to but craig's just like outing it too soon yeah that's the thing at the very least if they were going to confront austin about it it was the two of them were going to confront austin about it because austin had a nice edit last season And so it's like, okay, we're going to go get Austin this season.

And Craig just did it in a way that like put it all on Shep.

it sort of removed craig from that situation makes him look like the angel as usual and um i don't know i felt bad for shep i actually gently felt bad for shep at this situation i was like that's up you guys are both probably being messy you know i have a rule in my house never feel bad for these men not a one of them not a fucking one of them none of them deserve it and every time they start to they show a clip of them acting like fucking monsters like they did in this one which we'll get to in a minute but

my rule is always

bad for the first time.

And then they show those clips and are like, oh, no, you're an emotional terrorist, sir. I will never feel bad for you.

Well, I'm actually surprised because this should be a Shep, bad, a bad Shep season because those alternate. It's like Kyle and Amanda,

Marriages and Trouble season alternates every other year. And then it's Shep has a bad edit as every other year.
And he had a nice edit last year.

Last year, he was like, sweet Shep, who was so in love that he,

he lost his mind for this girl from the Caribbean. So this season will be the Shep is a Miserable Asshole.
But

I think we're going to get the Craig as the miserable asshole edit this season instead. So it's a little out of whack.
Yeah.

So he's like, whoa, when I told Craig, he said, don't tell anybody. Just let him know.
Oh, you already said all these lines. I'm so sorry.
So Austin's like, why are you getting so fucking fat?

He said, that's what he said.

I said one fucking thing and it was so fucking slight.

He's like, well, clearly you're going through stuff. Like, I think you take it out on other people.
That's it. That is it.

Commercials.

Here comes one right now.

Come to Mathis Home today and save during the holiday savings event. They have all the latest styles with hundreds of sofas starting at just $2.99.

Get your home ready for the holidays with the latest dining sets at the lowest prices ever. And we're the only place with top-name recliners starting at just $1.99.

Plus, the Mathis Home gift department is now open with something for everyone on your list at incredible savings.

For the best style, selection, and value, come to the holiday savings event at your furniture superstore. Mathis Home.

Unlike Craig, who takes out his emotions in very healthy places and definitely not on other people whatsoever, and there's definitely not any montages that Bravo could throw up on screen to show that he does not take his emotions out on people.

Yeah.

So Austin's like, what's the big deal? I said you had a night with two girls. Like, you had a hot night with two girls.
Like, why are you crying? And he's like, God damn it, Craig.

What a pussy dude to be mad about.

I feel constantly betrayed by you. And now when I hear the slightest thing, I mean, you said you were scared of me last year.
Do you know how fucked up that is?

Which is also, by the way, that's a fucked up thing to say because like. It was not just Austin.
It was all these people were like, who's afraid of Craig? And they all raised their hands.

And now the one who scares everyone is like, oh my God, that's you guys are so mean to me for saying that I scare you. And then you go and continue to scare everyone.

Yeah, like you finally have the strength to look under the bed and the monster's like, why are you judging me? Why are you calling me a monster? You've been torturing me my entire childhood, you fuck.

Yeah. But yeah, Craig is also like, how dare you call me scary? When he just lost his mind over no reason in the backyard, screamed, yelled, and ruined someone's birthday.
I don't know, Craig.

I don't know why anybody would say that. Yeah, you're also the only one here who dressed like they just came from like the Mad Max post-apocalyptic world.

So it is a little, you do, you, you look a little scary right now. I know you're from like your Rufio, but you're really reading more like, you know,

Thunder Road.

So why would you come on Southern Charm, which is a show about sexual predators of different, you know, different varieties and call yourself Rufi?

It's disgusting. It's bad.
It's bad branding. So Craig's like, it was just a big fucking lie.
Like, you're not scared of me. That's a lie.
Are you really scared of me?

And he's like, yeah, kind of, Craig. I mean, 100%.
The part of Craig that scares me is the unpredictability. Well, we clearly have like way more work than we ever thought that we needed.

He can turn on a dime. He literally will actually like drive his car and he sees a dime and he'll turn his car.
It doesn't matter what the traffic pattern is. It's terrifying.

Well, what would you like from me though? It's like, I want your friendship, dude.

well at the end of the day you get nothing for nothing and i shouldn't have said that stuff but it happened and i'm sorry but like you triggered me okay it doesn't count if you say you triggered me okay triggered using triggered in any sentence immediately makes your sentence moot like no you have no point here triggered well i think you're allowed to say like that you have triggers but you can't say i'm sorry i screamed at you but you triggered me you're in control of your own reactions to what people say.

Okay.

It's not his fault that you had a reaction when he made it, when he was being passive-aggressive, yes, but like you don't like that's like you, you're not, you're not off the hook because what's because of how someone else said something.

You're in control of what you'd say. So Austin's like, Ha! A real apology doesn't have a butt attached to the end of it.
That's what she said. I'm saying it.
That's right.

At a certain point, apologies are meaningless coming from them.

Yeah.

so austin um basically they're trying to make up but they're not gonna make up so outside sally's like i was already giving craig the advice that austin deserves an apology y'all i mean that was crazy molly's like oh really you said that she's yeah i mean what do you think i'm over here flirting with craig or something

um yeah well i don't know why anyone would ever have that concept in their mind. So Molly's like, it looked like it.
Molly. I mean, I'm I'm just saying, well, guess what?

I already heard you've been having words to say about me, and I didn't want to start it. She goes, Yeah, but because you were coming for me.
What? When have I ever came for you?

Like, let's be real right now.

So, the

gave you the correct word to use. She said, because you were coming for me.
And she's like, when have I ever came for you? Like, come on, man. She's trying to help you.

I know. And it's because

you went and told Madison that Molly was like, I think a drunk slob at the party. And so you're basically talking shit about Molly behind her back.

So Sally's like, yeah, but there's a difference between me and you. And that's because I stated facts.
And you've been telling everyone that I'm calling dibs on the guys. Like, who?

Sorry, but fucking who? And they all literally start cracking up because she's so full of shit. And Benita drapes herself over someone.
And she's like, oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Craig, Craig, Craig.

She's like,

Molly says, I literally just said what you said. I mean, those are the words that came out of your mouth.

Because if you're telling Charlie not to talk to Craig, I would never tell Charlie not to talk to Craig. You 100% did, though.
And Rodrigo's like, um,

if we're being honest, I mean,

it's like two weeks ago, and we see a clip from two weeks ago where Sally was basically telling Charlie, like, um,

look, if you're into him, like, that's fine, but like, you have to talk to me about it.

So Charlie's like, and we did hash it out. We hash it out.
And I now have a electric collar that's around my ankle. So you can't see it.
And anytime I look at Craig, she zaps me. And it's great.

It's, we have, it's called boundaries, and I understand them now. Then why are you acting like you've never fucking said any of that then? And Rodrigo's like, um, she's right.
She's right.

I'm in this fight as well. And Molly says, okay, well, maybe we're drunk, like you are a lot and probably forgot, like, which is fine.

Molly tells us, I don't want to say Sally's a pick-me girl, but

if she were playing volleyball and people were trying to choose teams, she'd be like, I'm someone you could choose, I guess is what you would call her.

Her self-worth is like really a lot, has a lot of validation from men. It's really linked to that.
And I think it creates a lot of drama.

Yeah, I mean, good call. And Sally's like, I've just been living in the hot tub, living my best life.
I mean, what the fuck is going on?

Yeah, no, pick me girl is about right. So then in the window, while they're doing this, we see Austin and Greg, Craig.
They're still arguing and you can hear them through the windows.

And now Shep is like, gosh, should I go in there? Yeah, maybe you should. Be funny.
Get all three beds in one room and see what happens.

Okay, I guess I got to clean, to come clean to Austin, but I just don't want Craig to be around because he's just going to spin it.

Well, just say the truth and what you told him. Go in there.
What are you scared of? Y'all go in there and do stuff. I'm tired.
So he goes inside and he's like, hey,

well, well, well, Shep! Had an entrance

conversation. Shep just like wipes his face off.
He's like, okay.

Well,

I just got to come clean. Okay, guys.
So I'm in there. I'll tell you what happened.
Okay. So I was in New York.
And Craig's like, oh, God, I don't want to be a part of this. You started this.

Craig just walks out. He's like, this is too easy for me.
I'm not in this conversation. You started it.

So messy.

So then outside, the girls are like, let's do shots. Okay.

So Sally, so Craig goes outside and Sally's like craig where the hell have you been i've been right here do you want to pick me craig's like this is not gonna be good you're talking about your makeup i know it doesn't look quite good no the guy's inside oh

so austin's like all right tell me motherfucker what the fuck is going on all right girsh okay

well Three weeks ago, two moron girls in New York came up to me and are like, Austin and our friend are talking. And I go, I don't want to know another word.
Okay. I don't want to know nothing.

The only thing I want to know about is what happened between the rebels and Britain.

That's why I'm watching Ken Burns' new documentary, The Revolutionary War, but I don't want to know anything beyond that. Gosh!

And then I went shit and I called Craig. Oh, so that's your fucking move to call Craig? That's what you do? Who does that?

No, no.

No, I call,

I said, should I call Austin and interrupt his peace? Should Should I give him Megalodon necklace? Because it was all hearsay. It was blasphemous.

It was literally like from their lips to God's ears, and they were lying the entire time. Curse.
And Craig said he didn't want to interrupt your peace, so that's why I didn't want to tell you.

There were no cameras. So Austin's like, come on.
There is no truth to the rumor that I've cheated on my girlfriend, which is why it upsets me so much.

My two friends could so callously spread so much bullshit. Callously.

The entire camera is just red now, just bulletinets just streaming down the lens.

It looks like the shining.

So Craig's like, I can't believe that Shep is doing this.

What do you mean you can't believe? You literally are the one who opened the can of worms. And in fact, Rodrigo's like, are you fucking kidding me?

I mean, you push Shep in front of the bus in front of everybody. Yeah.
I'm not talking to him. I gotta go.
I'm pregnant.

bye so she leaves why are you mad at me bye i say bye bye means bye bye is a one one sentence uh one word sentence okay bye

so she's like well obviously being pregnant and being sober i'm seeing it from a totally different set of eyes i mean normally let's be honest i'd be drunk too

but to see this is a little terrifying it's terrifying so she's gonna leave but of course she has to leave through the kitchen which is where they're fighting so she walks over there and meanwhile uh sally tells craig he needs to go to bed And inside, Austin's like, you told everybody.

And Chef's like, no, I didn't. I just told Craig.
And he's like, oh, well, that's the smartest move on planet Earth.

Well, he's a friend of ours. Is he? Is he Chef? Sane right now.
Oh, I don't know.

I hate this shit. Craig is outside.
I'm not going to be gaslit into thinking I did anything wrong because I didn't. I just notice when people are doing what they don't want to do.
Oh, God. Craig.

This is pop psychology is the worst worst thing to ever happen to people. Craig is now saying triggered and gaslighting as part of his regular vocabulary.
You don't get to say those words.

You are the gaslighter. You.

How about? I love Craig saying, I just notice when people are doing what they don't want to do. I'm like, did you see any of the footage of Paige last year having conversations with you?

Let's have bees in the backyard. Ew, gross, disgusting.
Let's have kids. Ew, gross.
Do you want to come to Charlotte or Charleston? No, ew. I hate it here.

What's the bad between us?

So now Charlie's going to leave. And this party was just a disaster, basically.
So now it's Craig and Sally.

And he says, yeah, this is where the shit gets fucking frustrating because it feels like the whole world. Like, I'm just misunderstood.

And hopefully, if you don't believe me, you'll really concentrate on my smeared guideliner right now. I'm so misunderstood.
And people come after me a lot.

Well, you don't deserve that, Craig. And I am here for you.
Just me, Sally, ready to service you in any way you need.

You need to understand. You are literally so great.
And he's like, uh-huh. And he just smiles like, ding.

So Rodriguez, everyone's leaving and Winner's like, well, this is my first, this is the first time having a party

for myself since the breakup with my ex-girlfriend because I wanted to create new memories in my house. But

what are you gonna do okay like

sir i'm sorry about the ex-girlfriend situation but like you're already milking it too much you just you threw a party it's fine people had a fight yeah there's still plenty of pasta it was good it was a success

yeah so um

Outside, they go, are they back outside? Are they still inside? Austin and the chef fighting about

no, it's sort of a

so he's like, dude, I talked to girls at the bar and fucking Audrey knows. And she tells me she talks to the guy at the bar too.
So what the hell? People can't talk about bars. I mean,

what if people want to go to a quiet bar? That would never happen.

Agreed, Austin. Agreed.
So, like, the only way I can have peace is if I'm single and just like chasing pussy every day, like you and Craig now, is that what's happening?

He's like, no, that's not what we were even talking about. That's not what she said.
If I may use that parlance, why don't you come around, you fucking assholes? Why do I tell you guys anything?

So now he leaves. And now Craig is still talking to Sally.
And he's like, I tried my hardest not to be involved with it. Like, Austin loves to blame me for shit, but I'm like, this is a Shep thing.

You made, you put it out here into the scene. It was never going to come up.
You decided to use it as ammunition in your fight against Austin because you were losing. Yeah, so now everybody leaves.

The party's ruined. Poor Witner.

Hey, everyone. This is the end of part one of this recap.
For part two. Keep an eye on your podcast feed.
It is coming up in just a moment. Thanks so much for listening.
Catch you on the second half.

Watch what Crap Ins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King.
It's always a party on Allison Block. Our way is the Amber Way.
It's the Foster and the Furious.

It's Amanda Foster. It's always automatic with Ashley Otto.
Put your hands together for Carly Clapp. Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offutt.
We never miss her call. It's Diane Call.

Sunday in the Park with Dylan Clark. Big Yay, it's Emily Gaultier.
Aaron McNicholas, she don't miss no tricholists. Hava Nagila Weber.

You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. I go, Hugo, we all go for Hugo.
Jamie, she has no less Namie. She's our kind of mess.
It's Jennifer Messer. Sip some scotch with Jessica Tratch.

She's our favorite streamer, Caroline Peacock. Kristen the Piston Anderson.
Get a B in your bonnet with Lacey B. K-Syra, Syrah, whatever will be, will Lauren Sillsby.

She gets a name from us, it's Lindsay D.

Let's give a kiss a Reno to Lisa Lino. Fresh as a daisy, it's Maisie McHenry.
Megan Berg, you can't have a burger without the berg. This is living with Michelle Vivian.
I love a ya, Olivia Williamson.

She sure is swell. It's Raquel.
Yes, we canna. It's Savannah.
Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman. Let's share with Sharon Eldridge.
Darn Skippy, it's Tippy. And our super premium sponsors.

Make way for AJ Lopez. She's V VIP.
It's Amanda V. Can't lose when you're with Amy Baldwin.
Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD. We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva.

Let's get real with Caitlin O'Neill. Put us on a stretcher, it's Charlotte Fletcher.
Don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Can't have a meal without the Emily Sides.

Who, what, why, where, and Gwen Pentland. Let's go into the woods with Guy Tubbs.
Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. Hail, the Cork Master, the Master of the Cork, Jennifer Corcoran.

We got our wish, it's Jen Plish. My favorite Murdo, Karen McMurdo.
She's a total knockout, it's Katie Manoff. In the study with a candlestick, it's Leslie Peacock.
G, it's Lisa H.

We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder-Baron. She's a whiz, it's Liz Sarthe.
Always killing it, it's Lola Alcalani. The incredible, edible Matthew Sisters.
She eases our woes, it's Melissa St. Rose.

There's a chance of meatballs. It's Rebecca Cloud.
Maximum love for Sandy Maximoska. She's the Queen Bee.
It's Sarah Lemke. We cannot tell a lie.
It's Sarah Telefson. Shannon out of a cannon, Anthony.

Please don't stop. It's Solian Pop.
Let's take off with Tam LaPlain. You'll always get the full story with Tori Parsons.
She ain't no shrinking Violet Koutar.

We love you guys.

If you like Watch What Crappens, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.

Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondry.com/slash survey.