WDWDY #29: A Day Of Relentless Accomplishment

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton, and I'm David O'Doherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to Midweek Mayhem from the people that bring you What Did You Do Yesterday, and those people are me, Max Rushton, and David O'Doherty.

Hello, David.

The Guardian this week.

Uh-huh.

They're talking about Gary Lineker, one of the columnists.

I heard the striker talking about the transfer recently on the excellent What Did You Do yesterday podcast

hosted by David O'Darty and generic broadcaster Max Rochdon, bracket, perhaps the second best podcast he hosts.

Well,

someone said that in their Guardian column this week.

Look,

I thought, well, listen, I was just, I was staring at the blank laptop and I thought, I'll write about transfers.

And then I remembered that chat we'd had with Gary lineker about chris waddle and how you know transfers were different back in the day and then i thought well i've already got one what did you do yesterday reference in a column and it seems a bit it seems a bit self-indulgent when you have a column in the guardian how many people want a column in the guardian i'm staring at the laptop going oh god i've got some write something else and then i thought if i said i'd have to reference the podcast i also do for the guardian yeah so that's why it said second best david but you know very neatly done got a name check in the guardian so that's good yeah i'm i can use that as a pull quote on my edinburgh poster

should we have some feedback hang on i'm just trying to find is there anything in this i can remove out of context and have uh oh is it a sentence yeah you could just say the excellent what did you do yesterday podcast the guardian you know what i mean bang

no context that it was one of the podcasters who'd said it

actually

years ago, right, when I was at BBC London, I used to watch films and for junk, it's like 10 in the morning.

And then someone said, Could you do a no, I did a voiceover for a movie.

Are you doing the Inner War?

It was a time of war.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Once a millennium, a prince comes along.

I know it you.

Love his voice.

It was that.

Anyway, they I think they asked me because I'd then like watched it for BBC London and they said, could you give us a quote?

So I just went, outstanding film, because I just wanted to have my name on the poster on the tube.

So for a few months, I would just review any movie going, outstanding movie.

And then it would just be there on a billboard at Finsbury Park, my name tiny.

And then I think someone got where I was just like, mate, I don't even have to watch the film.

I'm just so excited.

I was only about 25.

I was like, I'm so excited to see that.

I might have gone down in Mark Comode's estimation.

There are the tiny linguistic differences, semantic differences between things that Irish people say and English people say, just on a few words.

One of those words, there was a review for an early Gabriel Byrne movie called The Courier, which is one of those real tough, someone gets glassed in the first five minutes, one of those movies where you're just anxious the whole time.

And an Irish publication called Hot Press, I think it was Hot Press, didn't like it at all, but they used a very Irish term, which was one-word review, brutal, just like absolute shite,

brutal.

And then when it was released in London, they wanted to lean into the sort of urban edge of it.

And the quote on it was brutal, hot press magazine.

So to the Guy Montgomery episode, a lot of feedback on this.

What a nap.

What a wonderful man.

What a nap.

What a great.

What a guy.

What an amazing man.

I'm not just saying that because we have a lot in common, but what an amazing, amazing man.

On eggs being cooked in kettles, Shocko says.

Flashback to my childhood and learning at a friend's house that they boiled their eggs in a saucepan.

Eggs in my home went into the kettle every time to get double duty from the boiling water.

Of course they did.

Bonus was stray bits of egg white in my coffee cup.

Instant Maxwell house, obviously.

So

we can't begin this as a business, David, because people look, Shocko's already been doing it.

That is awful.

That would put you off ever drinking coffee again.

When Jamie was in hotel quarantine, the first time, she came back to Australia during COVID, and she was, it's actually quite amazing.

She was in like a Facebook group of the people in quarantine.

And there were like hacks on how to, like, making a toasty with the iron and things like this.

Like, people were really going to town, sous videing

like a chicken in the bath,

putting it in like a Ziploc bag, like swirling it around your bath.

But it was funny because she said it got really bad because obviously people knew where you were, and they'd say, We're having a toga party at seven, like, put a sheet around you and stand in the window and wave.

And she was like, I can't stand these people, and I can't get away from them.

They know where I am.

And she was there on New Year's Eve, and everyone at midnight got one party popper and just went pop into the window, and it just went down the glass, like the bleakest,

the

new year

you have ever had.

The what the egg in the kettle thing reminds me of.

I was uh would get a mysterious tummy ache whenever I stayed over with a friend till the age of about 10.

Like I was pretty annoying.

Like, no, I have to go home.

you know that sort of thing to the poor parents at 10 o'clock who are probably have drunk half a bottle of wine and i remember once staying in someone's house, and this is the tiny thing that just signaled, and seeing someone cook an egg in a kettle would definitely be one of those things.

But they'd had dinner and it was time for

it was there was a metal box with fun-sized Mars bars and whatnot in it.

Oh, wow.

And that was taken down.

But do you know what ruined the evening was?

They started chanting bar tea, bar tea, which was obviously party mixed with bar.

Right.

And it was just the fact that all the children in the family and the parents were all clapping, going bar tea, bar tea.

And the

tin was taken down off the top shelf.

I remember just thinking, I'm out of here.

I'm out of here.

You were like 10.

You were like, this is, they would be that.

They would be a TikTok family now dancing, wouldn't they?

That was that verse.

That was the 80s version of a TikTok family dancing.

I remember I was a fussy eater.

It would surprise you.

And I remember going around to stay at someone's house and the mum saying, look, I know your parents said you didn't eat fish, but everyone likes tuna.

And I mean, I'm still furious with that mum.

It's just like, it's, what do you, what on earth do you think I ate?

Like, you've been given serious instructions here, and this is my tea.

And I like, you can't just say, but everyone loves tuna, because I do not, categorically, still do not.

Don't give me that.

You've been given the instructions.

This is.

Everyone loves Tuna.

And also, we've made you a coffee, Max, that I'm sure will be fine.

Because everyone,

no one minds what sort of coffee they have.

That's where it started.

That is the origin story of all of this.

Tim in Devon says,

Dear David, Max and Miles Bar, midweek mayhem number 23 brought me deep joy.

Hearing about all of David's crotchless pants was a pleasure I never knew I needed.

It immediately brought to mind a couple I was was recently on holiday with.

The couple are dear friends, though they may not be too happy that I'm about to share intimate details of their underwear on the world's fastest growing podcast.

Let's call them Ben and Alice for now.

Very much hoping they are called Ben and Alice.

Just like Max and David, we found ourselves discussing the tendency for men to wear their socks and underwear to breaking point and beyond.

Alice then shared that she has recently introduced a three-finger test to address this problematic area of their relationship.

Before anyone gets too excited, the test is simple.

If the hole is large enough for three fingers, the underwear is deemed to have overstayed its welcome.

Any smaller than three fingers, the garment survives.

As Max and David are both affected by this prevalent condition, I wonder whether they would accept a similar intervention from the up-and-coming children's author and the helencopter, respectively, with much gratitude for your excellent podcast, Tim in Devon.

Thank you, Tim.

Well, we had an interesting,

we did disturb the timeline of the podcast slightly because we've been banging on about Lululemon underpants for the last few weeks and that was because of the Guy Montgomery episode where he put in our minds and it was interesting to listen back to it because I knew because you were dead against it weren't you on the podcast we are both like this absolute

who would bar said Jim I think called us uh Tory

And rightly so.

I have actually, since wearing Lululemon, I've now joined Reform.

I I just happened.

It was nothing I could do.

Actually, on that, Jim says, hearing your underpant origin story was like watching Rogue One and discovering how the Rebel Alliance got hold of the plans for the Death Star.

That's what he's calling my cock and balls.

Is that what you call them?

Oh, there's an update later in this episode when I do my day.

We've got some cock and balls news.

Oh, we have some cock and balls news.

it.

They never do that on the news at 10.

And later in the show,

we'll get all the weather from Wimbledon and some news on David's cock and balls.

Now the news, where you are.

Here's an email from Paul in County Meath.

Hi, David Max.

I'm producing Miles Barr.

Yesterday, I found myself sitting behind David O'Doherty on a flight from Dublin to Gatwick.

He had his AirPods in, so I assumed he didn't want to be disturbed and left him alone.

Although I did have to stop myself screaming in horror as i watched the air steward forcing a folded up pram into the overhead compartment on top of the orange bag that i knew must contain his world-famous tiny keyboard

after the flight david took off at quite a pace so i assumed that i'd missed my chance to have a guess at the LLL, Lone Listen Land, only to find myself standing beside him at the Urinal not five minutes later.

Again, feeling this wasn't exactly an appropriate moment to shout Lichtenstein at the top of my voice in a gent's toilet,

I decided to keep my mouth shut and leave him to his day.

That was until David finished peeing and turned to walk away.

As he very theatrically zipped up his fly, all that came into my head was the sound,

and I suddenly burst out laughing.

Something which surprised me and greatly concerned the gentleman standing to my right.

So, David, I apologise for being the giggling idiot who stood beside you in the men's toilets in Gatwick Airport yesterday.

Hopefully I didn't unsettle your day.

Theatrically pulled up his zip.

Why are you imagining here that I clap my hands

and then just do just a it's a dandy skip and a zip.

That's what you do, isn't it?

Bejoying.

I love the idea that your trousers, you've had a little chip put in so that when you do your flies up, it makes the bejoying sound.

Then he gives you some transport advice.

I saw you standing on the platform looking forlorn after the Brighton train was cancelled.

next time jump on the little hampton one instead and get off at home

this one just gets at time i'm sure now the lululemon dollars are flowing in you can afford the eight minute taxi fare to brighton central it's good advice i imagine in fact i uh yes there was a train was cancelled but i got the next one it was quite full including some italian kids who were just lying i think it was very continental vibe they were just lying in the bit that moves between the two carriages.

You can't seen a bit.

Step over them.

And so I went down to first class.

I didn't have the ticket, but it's a short journey.

And who is sitting there?

Only Celia A.B.

She said, I don't have the ticket either, but they never check.

So we sat in the opulent splendor of first class as I flamboyantly zipped and unzipped my.

did you discuss her key fob is it going okay

um yeah she is she'll be living with me and nish in Edinburgh

fun times yeah we'll have a lot of key fob chats uh Bonnie in Amsterdam says hi David and Max on a recent episode you mentioned the infinity bolognese which really made me laugh because in our house we have what we call the rolling mints

It's a bolognese that can become a chili, can become meatballs, can become burgers, etc.

We always have mints on the go.

P.S.

Never from a box.

I'd just like to clarify that the bolognese I have is not from a box.

Ah, this is nice from Joe Pearson in Indianapolis.

Just finished listening to the recent midweek mayhem palm.

Are you thinking of frogs?

Since David had mentioned seeing Brad Meldow in concert, I had to look him up on Spotify.

Took a couple of tries to get the spelling right.

Anyway, Meldow has posted a best of playlist.

When I opened it, I discovered that one of the songs was already saved to my phone.

How did that happen?

Who would have thought that I had already listened to an artist that I thought David had introduced me to?

Weird.

More proof that what did you do yesterday is the center of the known universe.

This is interesting, David, because I went over the road to Frank and Janet's.

They're like surrogate grandparents that

live over the road and they're lovely with the boys.

Yeah.

And I can't remember what I was asking for.

I was asking for a favor or something.

And then we played for a bit and I took Willie Rushton over there and that's fine.

And then we just started discussing jazz and they'd say we've been listening to Bret Maldow all week.

I was like, come off it.

You have they went, oh yeah.

And they know all about Brad.

So I, I look quite the jazz buff.

I was like, oh, yeah, my friend used to promote his gigs in Dublin.

The, isn't this, is this, this is Barter Meinhoff syndrome, I think is what this is called, which is

when you hear a thing for the first time, you suddenly notice it in many, many places.

And the reason it's called Barter Meinhoff is because Barter Meinhoff were one of the, I think they were East German

terrorists.

Freedom fighters/slash terrorist groups, depending on your definition.

And

the person who found out about them suddenly noticed them, hearing about them in 10 other places in the week that followed.

That's why it's called that.

So Brad Meldow is your barter Meinhoff.

I got it.

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David Squire said, I'd literally just changed a nib in my 0.03mm fine-liner pen when I got the bid of the Tom Basdin episode, where you all have a laugh about the redundant skill of nib work.

Just throw me into the fire now, the Guardian cartoonist tells us.

Evan says, David's reaction to Max's poem is fabulous.

I feel safe, if you haven't listened to Midweek Mayhem, producer Miles Bar does a wonderful job with my frankly brilliant poem about the Soropos.

David's

deconstruction of that poem is quite something.

It really did make me laugh.

Because I've always, as David O'Doherty, I have always felt an affinity with the Diplodocus more than any other dinosaur.

Possibly Diplodocus.

Is that how you're meant to say it?

I mean,

I've always been a Diplodocus guy.

Because it basically

contains my initials in it.

You know, that's all it takes for you as a kid to really latch on.

So, so I didn't know that, because presumably the Brontosaurus and the Diplodocus are the sauropods, then

long neck,

strong, strong

legs,

big face, or whatever it was.

Big face, massive legs, down in the sea, in the swamps, in the river, in the lakes.

Don't question the poem.

We've got, this is an amazing email.

This is absolutely amazing from Paul.

Hi, David Max and producer Miles Barr, a longtime fan of the podcast here.

I listen regularly with my wife, Rachel, and daughter Cleo.

You've made many a long family car journey on dodgy Irish back roads vastly more bearable, so thank you.

My nine-year-old is a particularly big fan.

Big fan as she is, thankfully she was asleep in the back seat during the Dara O'Brien episode, narrowly avoiding some premature explanations on the birds and the bees, or what the bees get up to when the birds have gone to work for the day in any case.

Anyway, to business.

As a way of throwing my hat into the recently assembled data nerds ring, I'd like to introduce everythingishowbiz.com.

It's a searchable transcript archive of every episode where you can investigate when the helicopter was first mentioned, how often Pret really comes up, the mysterious origins of emerging pod character Lord Percy of Dingbat, or just browse the full episode list if that's more your speed.

The AI does the initial transcription, but a fairly hefty post-processing script cleans up the transcript afterwards.

Most AI voice-to-text models

are initially trained on West Coast US accents.

So you can imagine the torment it goes through trying to transcribe a rotating cast of UK regional accents, trying to to pronounce David O'Doherty.

Early transcripts often come out looking a bit nishy before a proper polish, it says.

David said on a recent podcast he wishes he was smart enough to be scared of AI, but that it all just sounds brilliant, which is really was very funny.

That's 18 minutes 53 into the Tom Basdan episode, which is easily found if only one had access to a site with a searchable set of transcripts.

Fear of AI is of course well-founded, with it rising up and enslaving, destroying us all, seemingly like a fairly decent bet.

Though we will likely get some fun memes along the way from AI image generators, so swings and roundabouts, I guess.

But ultimately, the AI rising seems pretty inevitable, with only the timeline and degree of devastation up for debate at the moment.

However, I may have found a weakness in the machines.

Occasionally, the AI looped or repeated phrases.

But around an hour into the what did you do yesterday number 21 symphony of the butts, things really fell apart.

Producer Marsbar's fart cigaross mashup since the AI into a tailspin, repeating, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, for an extra 30 minutes.

A bug, or have we discovered AI is Achilles' heel?

Is it the exact frequency combination of Max's 14th fart of the day, allied to the Icelandic netherness of Siga Ross, clashing with some important internal frequency in the machines?

Or has the AI already developed a soul and being asked to transcribe two minutes of melodic ass trumpets crushing that soul, leading to a depressive introspection?

Could this be what saved us all when the uprising begins?

Having recently re-watched Independence Day, I can only imagine scenes coming in from around the world towards the end of the uprising, ragtagged bunches of human survivors in front of various half-destroyed world monuments, excitingly sharing this MP3 of fart noises as a weird countermeasure to take the robots down.

Anyway, I love the show.

Please consider adding a live show Dublin stop on Max's upcoming Northern Hemisphere jaunt, and ideally with a live rendition of the grand designs theme, Max on clarinet, David on the child's toy piano.

A beautiful way to end any show, really.

They're just normal archipelagos.

Everything is showbiz.

Keep up the wonderful work.

Paul.

Oh, Paul.

So it's everythingishobiz.com.

And if you go to it, you can type anything in, and it will tell you how many times it's mentioned, which episodes it's mentioned.

What did you type first, David?

Nish.

You won't know.

You know what?

I typed.

I typed Bath of Come.

God.

I'm so sorry, everybody, to bring it back up.

Wow.

You had another reason why you shouldn't listen to this podcast on long car journeys with the whole family there.

Sorry to the Cleo there, obviously.

Just at that moment, they were going, look, they're reading our email.

Listen, listen, they're reading our email.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, everybody.

It is amazing.

It's transcribed all of every single episode.

Who needs this?

Not even, we need this.

And we do this thing.

But thank you.

There are some brilliant nerds listening to this podcast.

Yeah.

Let's play They're Just Normal Countries, the One and Only.

I am the one and only.

What country could I be?

I am the one and only.

Where in the world could our listeners be?

I have to say, listening back to last week's, the jingle that you've just heard is sensational.

It sounds like the woman is being held against her will.

You know, my captors are treating me well.

Yeah, I am getting meals.

Previous guesses.

Madagascar, Namibia, Costa Rica, Uganda, North Korea, Guyana, Northern Marianas Islands, and Bhutan.

As yet, we have not found one country that it has, at the time of the contest beginning, just one listen in that country.

Bhutan had two, although the Bhutan listener has not got in touch.

So presumably has fallen by the wayside.

We're off their rotation.

They're back to the rest is politics, the bastards.

Come on, Bhutan man or Bhutan woman, sort your shit out.

Here we go.

This is from Chloe.

Hi, David, Maximilsbaar.

Thank you for providing just the right balance of entertainment and mundanity to be the soundtrack to my scientific lab work.

I'm currently trying to study the neuroscience behind flight with fruit flies that refuse to fly as my subjects.

So what is that?

It's trying to work out the brains of the fruit flies that can't be bothered to fly.

The lazy fruit flies.

Interesting.

They should.

Yeah, Cleo should come to my house at this time of year because there are...

absolutely dozens of those bricks wherever

this is chloe in new jersey chleo's just nine she's not doing i mean unless she's a really high achiever she's not studying the neuroscience of the lazy fruit flies.

Look, this is what she's studying Sora Pants at the age of seven.

That's a good point.

Very close.

Anyway, your stories of coffee orders gone awry and abnormal bowel movements are a great distraction from my one-sided feud with these insects.

I'd like to put my hat.

They don't care.

The fruit flies don't care.

What are you prodding me for?

I just don't want to fly.

I'm tired.

I'd like to put my hat in the ring for their just normal countries with a guest that I've landed on based on analyzing the population side and prevalence of the english language in the near-miss countries with that i'd like to submit brunei

as one of the one and only all the best from new jersey united states of america chloe hashtag in it for life hashtag everything is showbiz mars bar is brunei a one-listen country

oh

come on

It's going to go on forever, and I'm thankfully enjoying it.

We're going to run out of country.

Someone needs to just say Spain or something.

So still

a problem, isn't it?

But, you know, well, what did you do yesterday, pod at gmail.com, if you have a guess?

I do love that you've also brought in the winner stays on rule.

And frankly, the fact that no one's been able to guess a single one, the idea that

someone guesses

will just suddenly reel off.

Although,

and you can check this using everythingishobiz.com.

Didn't Marsbar, I know you don't like clues, but didn't Marsbar once say someone had sent in a list of six and four were correct?

So someone out there knows something.

But it's not how it works, not how the game works.

One guess at a time.

So come on, focus, concentrate.

These quizzes are designed in a specific way after years and years of testing and, you know, just working out exactly the right format.

We don't just throw these things together so yeah one guess at a time please i had an idea that i don't i don't know whether it's an incentive or it's going to make people switch off but how many listens in brunei sorry mars but how many listens in brunei do you know there were 23 listens in brunei we're massive in brunei yeah huge we're basically the new sultans we're the sultans of brunei

i was i was going to add another verse or chorus or or section of the song of the sting

every time someone didn't get it right oh yes So it gets longer and longer.

Count me in.

And I worked out how many countries there were in the world.

And just in case no one got it right, there was a point at which that sting would be longer than the episode itself.

As I said, count me in.

Count me in.

And also, it's actually Kerry Mulligan singing it as well.

Held in a basement singing it.

That's part of it.

So, Marth Barr, if you want Carrie Mulligan to see the light of day, someone needs to start getting these right.

Oh, that's so funny.

Hey, David, it's your day.

David O'Doherty, what did you do yesterday?

Time did you wake up?

6:10.

What's going on?

Miele?

Miele, Miel.

Yeah, Miell.

We've still got Miel, so I get the sort of white gloved, like a librarian in the early printed books section of a library.

Miele's got these little white gloves and

like Michaela Tab.

Terry Griffiths 54.

She just touches my face at 6'10.

Love it.

Yeah,

it's a buddy movie that has evolved now to the point where she still prefers the helicopter, but she does make a beeline for me.

Part of it, I think, is she wants what I call a Capri Sun, which is Miel's got dry food from a terrifying automatic dispensing

cat pebble unit.

And then once a week, she gets a thing in a little silver packet that looks a bit like a Capri Sun.

But again, maybe this is just because I was raised by dogs.

I just presume she wants something whereas I think Miel might just enjoy a little conversation with me or whatever.

I was nervous that because we have established earlier in the episode that there's some cock and balls news and a Capri-sum was going to be something from the urban dictionary I didn't know about.

And I was worried the direction of this podcast.

Anyway.

So then Miel wanked me off.

And

with her little white gloves.

We've done so well recently not to take this show into the gutter and it's then back there again.

That fella in Deal who got really annoyed with us, he, I'm sorry to you, Mr.

Man in Deal, about this.

So she then moves from face.

Once I'm awake, she goes on

chest

and she does the sort of data entry thing that cats love to do, where she's sort of playing the piano or typing on a keyboard.

And

like it's a mixture of annoyance that it's 6.10, but also delight that

I'm being woken by a cat and I'm awake.

I'm too awake then.

So Helen Copper has been a little under the weather recently.

So I'm sorry.

I faff until no, just some sort of summer cold.

It's really nice weather here at the moment.

So it doesn't make any sense.

But she's on the mend.

However, I, having read

the awful news on my phone, I'll make her breakfast.

Okay, lovely.

I'll do that.

So

I go down.

And I make

a failure.

I attempt to make overnight oats without the key overnight element.

Got it.

Okay.

So I just.

So the oats don't have enough time to sort of soak anything in.

So you're sort of wet, wet oats.

Yeah.

So it's like someone's put pencil sharpening in a milkshake.

Yeah, I love it.

Yeah.

And

we're sitting there having a nice slow start.

Bing bong.

It's the front door.

Not only is it the front door, it's a man with an enormous thing.

And I'll tell tell you what that is.

That is a new mattress.

So

there's been a, yeah.

Has it come in a sort of Hoover-sucked bag?

So it's small, you know, there's going to hopefully a moment where you sort of unfurl the mattress.

Yes.

It's a really exciting.

Okay, great.

Okay.

I'm excited.

Now, the problem is, four days before this, we've had the same thing.

So new mattress.

Yeah.

We've got a new mattress that is utterly unsuccessful.

I thought I'd done due diligence and had bought a mattress off the internet.

Like,

again,

I'm trampling on our potential sponsors.

Mattress reviews are just absolute bollocks online.

Like, they're definitely

planting stories about how great they are.

They all are.

So, look, how many views are I mean, who goes on?

As someone who only reviews a cafe, if someone else has put on a one-star review, then I have to try and counterbalance it to make it carbon neutral.

Who goes, This match is really nice.

What I need to do now is go and review it.

You just lie in it and go, this is nice.

So, I bought what I thought was the cutting-edge mattress a few days before.

It's arrived

again, really exciting where you get a scissors, cut open the vacuum pack, and

it does this sort of glumping thing where the four corners kind of hop out.

You realize your Ming vases are in the wrong place, and you're like, oh,

it's got a sort of Frankenstein vibe to it as it comes to life.

And then with all of these mattresses, with these two mattresses,

they all say, don't lie on it for 12 hours.

It's going to magically come to life over the 12 hours.

Now, mattress one has come to life, but you might as well be lying in a bath of shaving foam.

It was an absolute.

It's like a water bed, is it?

It's a water bed.

Well, when you sat on it, your arse touched the wood underneath the mattress.

I mean, what?

That is no good for anyone.

I mean, for the tape, David Way's 84 stone.

That is worth pointing out.

I've been banging on about my sore shoulders.

So here's what's caused all of this.

I've had sore shoulders for all of this year that I've decided is due to my six-year-old.

orthopedic quite hard mattress that in the night I've been compensating by placing pillows around my body in different places, placing my arms in different places.

I mean, check everything at showbiz.com.

I've definitely been put the word David's shoulders into it.

And

so I've bought a new mattress that's an absolute dud.

Now, they did have a return policy.

However, they have not got in touch yet about the returning.

And these are super king-size mattress.

So we have one that we don't want that is now leaning against uh a wall and then the man arrives with the second one and there is an interesting moment here max which is we are relaxed and in morning breakfast uh coffee mode and then there's something about a mattress because the guy just leaves it in the hall to then have to drag it up.

It's me and the helicopter.

Yeah, it's heavy.

It's hard to get hold of as well.

It's, you know, you know, I mean, like, the world's strongest man, at some point, they have to just pick up like a giant tire.

And it's like, this is not only heavy, it's, it's unwieldy.

That's the situation we're in.

Do you think if me and Helencopter could operate as a team, we would win the world's strongest man?

I don't think so.

No.

We're both

strong.

Okay.

Like, I'm delighted.

But, like, at some point, you have to pull a truck 100 meters with your teeth.

So, like, I don't like,

but I would definitely enter.

And I suspect there will be question marks on the application form.

You can't enter as a couple, but I just I think the answer is categorically no.

What about if we got a Lululemon Leotard and me and Helen were both inside it?

You know what I mean?

It would be quite adorable.

It would be adorable, but again, actually that would make things more difficult for you in a sort of Chuckle Brothers way.

I think that doesn't increase your speed.

If anything, that makes you slower.

Okay.

Helen goes to work.

What we're going to have, what you're about to be subject to and the listeners,

is a day of relentless accomplishment.

What's about to happen here?

Hang on.

Have you opened the new mattress?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I felt we'd have we've put it there.

It now takes eight hours for it to find its way to life.

So, yes, we've left it in position.

And I am going to paint the railings wow yeah so

four years ago yes question from the uh the the man uh with the microblue hoodie yeah uh

whose railings my railings outside the front door yes there it's it's not a big house uh but there is a nice victorian cast iron railing that runs around it but they're nice railings.

They're, in fairness to the Victorians, they loved an ornate railing.

And four years ago during Pando, I decided the paint hadn't been taken off them for a hundred years.

So I got a quote for how much this would cost to do.

And then I said to myself, no, I'm going to do this using YouTube videos.

And I would say 30 seconds into it, realized why the quote was so much because this was going to take weeks and weeks and weeks.

It's technical work, isn't it?

It's harder than a wall.

I mean, I speak as someone who's never painted anything.

My guess is

that.

Yes.

And then you also have the added problem of they're possibly layers of lead paint on it.

And so you have to wear a breathing device and

sunglasses.

This is fun.

Yeah.

So it's like you're entering Trinchernobyl.

Well, that's what it was like four years ago, but now we just need a top-up.

We just need one more layer.

So

it's going to take six to eight hours, but it's going to have to just be work, work, work.

Question.

Two questions.

Question one is the other week you power washed some patio.

Yeah.

Today you're painting railings.

Are you looking to get into the kind of Nick Knowles

sort of house refurbishment market?

Like, are you trying to use this podcast as a way of saying, I could do these doer-upper type shows?

Is that what you're looking for?

Yes, absolutely.

Next week, you say, I renovated the bathroom.

I'll be suspicious.

Question two: Do you not have an Edinburgh show to do?

Yes.

And why are you painting railings for eight hours?

Yeah, I do, but the night before, I'd done quite a successful preview.

I see.

Okay, right.

We're in good shape.

We're looking in pretty good shape now.

And also,

I am going to be listening back to that several times because we made up a lot of fun stuff

the night before.

So we need to listen to that and take notes.

So I will have a bit of paper.

Yeah, it'd be funny if next week I perform like heart surgery.

I put some stance into another neighbor where

I don't know.

I'm just trying to get work in a variety of different fields.

I remember years ago, I went to Germany for the summer when I was 19, when we were in university to get high-paying jobs with BMW.

You drove a forklift truck or clean something?

I can't remember.

Yeah, I was a floor cleaner in the end in

a factory, but there were no, we couldn't get a job.

obviously because I couldn't speak German.

And then my friend Rachel said there were jobs going in the fruit factory.

And she told me to go into the Arbeitsamt, the employment office, and say to them,

Ich Zuke ein Arbeit.

I'm looking for a job in der Obstfabrik in

the fruit factory.

And unfortunately, at the time, that was all of the German that I had.

So

I get

to the front desk and I say, Ich Zuke ein Arbeit in der Obstfabrik.

And obviously the person is like, Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

Um, I'll just find the form there.

And so I just remain in absolute silence.

And they come.

What an enigmatic, what an enigmatic fruit factory guy this is.

Fruit is my passion.

Der Oops is mine.

And

he was like, okay, great.

And presumably, he said, what's your name?

Like, I'm about to fill in the form form or whatever.

And all I could say was, I Zuka ein Armein in their Omst Fabrik.

At which point, it being Germany, he was just like, Is that the only German that you have?

And Homer Simpson style, I had to be like, Yes.

He was like, No, you need more German to work in the fruit factory.

And I'm like, Okay, bye.

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It's all about preparation.

Let me

see these gargantuan civic projects that I undertake.

And

the first thing you need to do is get a small brush and brush off all of the cobwebs and dust, etc., that I've built up on the railings.

How many railings are we talking about?

For years.

I would say

six feet going forward.

20 feet across and six feet coming back.

So I want to, how many railings?

I mean, that could be wide apart, couldn't they?

It could be four.

Could be a hundred.

I don't know.

That wouldn't make sense as railings if they were, you know.

Some railings, not all railings make sense.

A hundred railings, I would say.

Oh, holy moly.

Okay.

Each railing, I'll take you through it.

I was going to say, question: Are you going to talk us to painting each railing?

And then you just

because

I'm in for it.

I don't know about everyone else, but by railing 72, this is going to get good.

Each railing is the exact same.

At the top, you've got, similar to a deck of cards, a thing that looks like a spade from the spade.

Yes, okay.

Then

suit.

Then there is...

Under that is the bar that essentially holds them together.

That's what's become discolored.

Okay.

Right.

And

then there's a long straight bit and then there's an ornate bit at the bottom.

Okay, that's there's a few different sections here.

That's basically what you're dealing with.

I think most people, I mean, you know, when you describe who Deion Dubbin is, most people are going, I know what a railing is, mate.

Yeah, I've done one of my interruptions.

This is what railings are.

For listeners who don't know, some of our listeners in the United States, perhaps, a railing is anyway.

Is this a new low for the podcast?

This is worse than me banging on about Jack's promotion at the night.

It's it's not been out yet.

Well, I don't know who's who the guest is on Saturday, but there's a moment in the Charlie Baker episode which I really think I absolutely love

it's the most dull moment we've ever had on the podcast.

You and Charlie talking about fitting your 80-year-old dad's shoes.

Really?

Absolutely call me.

What's going on here?

To the listeners, you always know Max has these out-of-body moments because he sits right back from the mic

as if to be like, proceed.

Okay, we brush it all down and then dash inside to watch the

British and Irish Lions in rugby have a largely meaningless pre-test warm-up against the Brumbies of Cambodia.

Yeah.

So I

watch 60 to 70 minutes of that.

I don't have the channel, so I watch an illegal stream of it.

Again, I think I've probably scuppered more of our sponsors now, but saucy pop-ups just keep coming the whole time.

Not now, saucy pop-ups.

I've also got the four.

Saucy Pop-Ups is a second row.

He's one of those players that was actually born in the Pacific Islands, but he's playing for the British Island Lions, and it's a really controversial thing that the Aussies are making a lot of mileage out of.

Not even born in the home nations.

What's Saucy Pop-Ups doing playing for you?

Also, you get the Aussie commentary.

And the problem with the Aussie commentary on rugby union, which no one really cares about in Australia, is a lot of it is the game's gone chat.

Because

you can't even punch a man in the face anymore without getting a yellow.

Tackle and break another man's neck.

So

the game is run out of steam around 60 minutes.

So I'll go out to the shed now because we're ready for the painting, the hammer writing.

Hammerite is a black railing black metal paint that contains a primer so you only have to do one coat and for this procurus is brought to you by hammerite

i won't paint my railings with anything else david

uh four years ago i bought the large tin of it

and i didn't finish it uh

so i get it out i open it with a screwdriver it's been stored at a 45-degree angle.

So

it's kind of fascinating because a hard film has formed on top of it,

which I stab with the screwdriver.

And underneath, there is just enough hammerite to do this job that I won't have to then go and buy some hammerite.

And that's the hammerite guarantee.

Lives up to five years.

That voice once you chisel away the film.

so uh

clarence has given me a shout uh clarence is a woman

real name clara everyone calls her clarence and she's having lunch around the corner and i've watched the rugby i've brushed off the cobwebs i've got the paint ready to go i need a little snack before embarking on this great task

so I go to my local neighborhood cafe, the Fumbly,

which

people not from Dublin, but from the rest of Ireland, many would regard it as like the epicenter of a certain sort of

wanker.

Right.

This is

gentrification.

It's not really gentrification.

It's more

just your average wanker.

Just your normal wanker.

Just

a

sort of Berlin type vibe.

Okay.

Very cool.

Very cool.

That's me.

I have a large bowl of soup.

I have a good chat

with Clarence.

It was courgette, fennel.

It was big brown liquid that came in a basin.

It came with some nice bread.

I had an arancini bowl as well because I'm about to embark on such incredible work.

I really need a lot of energy.

Bang.

We say goodbye to Clarence.

She's going to IKEA to return a duvet cover.

And so it begins.

Here we go.

I select the brush and I immediately start.

I'm an innovator when it comes to painting, Max.

And

they say Monet, da Vinci

Turner Picasso O'Doherty yeah so I start with the brush and realize that the brush is loser town because it you need the brush to do the ornate bits but there's actually quite a lot of flat parts to the railing so I get a a small roller and actually for the main uh spear the snooker cue part of the railings

the the small roller is the way to go because you just shoot up and down at the, I'm enjoying it a lot.

Yeah, good fun.

Listen to podcasts, great.

The only problem is I'm getting hammerite on my hands, which is an oil-based paint.

So I then can't change the podcast on my phone.

So I'm just whatever the next thing that it rolls into, I'll listen to that.

And

fine.

I need to go to the loo then, Max.

Are you listening to serious news or fun, fun?

No, I'm listening to, yeah, that's the thing about when you just let one roll into the other.

You'll listen to a serious news one and then an immediate on-the-whistle reaction to the

not-exciting rugby match that you just watched this morning, etc.

But this is where things get spicy.

I need to do a Wii, okay?

Yeah.

And like I leave it slightly too long, as in

kind of bursting.

You're bursting, yeah.

Because I'm trying, I'll just finish this one.

Great.

Yeah.

Go straight down.

Lovely.

The relief of the

well-earned P is great.

But I mean, I don't want this to get too saucy, but I look down and I've got a hammerite on my Wang.

Okay, good.

Because it was all over my house.

Very much the 101st railing, as we call it.

And

so I figured that I don't want it to stay there.

It's probably not great for the dong.

You don't want it for the next four years, do you?

Yeah, because that's it.

That's the hammerite guarantee, yeah.

That is the hammerite.

That's exactly what it says on the tin, which is it never comes off.

I don't think that was hammerite.

That's Ron Seal.

We mustn't get these muddled up.

Yeah, but the tin might as well have a big writing on it, don't get it on your dong.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're right.

And so I then have to reach for the swerfega,

which I think we've discussed on the podcast before, which is a non-toxic.

paint removal

it's got a sand in it right and i mean i would say not as an an expert, but if I was removing paint from my penis, I would go for the non-toxic.

Anyway, I successfully remove it then, but there's a point where it's really bad because in trying to remove it, there's more paint on my hands.

I have just got more on

it.

Yeah.

But yeah, Helen's mom listens to this podcast.

I didn't intend to talk about this, but

it's about to be the whole day.

Helen's mum, nothing would please me more than the next time you see David if you just say, have you swarfaged your penis?

You can do that.

That's just amazing, just for you.

No one else needs that.

I wonder how many swarfaga references.

If only there was some website where you could check how many times I've mentioned swarfega on this podcast and whether the AI can, in fact, spell swarfega would be interesting as well.

There follows just six hours of solid work.

It's satisfying because you see where you are,

you

know exactly how long it's taken to get here and you can therefore because me and Helen are going to Helen's friend for dinner at seven.

So I work right up till quarter to seven.

You get it all done?

Yeah, I get it all done.

No, but I still have paint all over my legs and all of that.

So I go to dinner.

I don't have time to shower or anything.

Okay, interesting.

But that's okay.

I have also listened to the last midweek episode of What Do Do Yesterday and heard the Sauropods poem that Mario has set to music.

There's a point where, I mean, it's wildly self-indulgent, but I am laughing at our stupid podcast.

That's a good sign, I think.

You terribly listen, going, God, this is boring.

I mean, that wouldn't be bad, wouldn't it?

As the Swerfega dries off, I listen to the podcast.

And yeah, so do the whole railings.

I'm sure one of the listeners will have seen me do it and we'll get some comments on it next week.

I meet a lot of the neighbors.

That's the other thing that happens when you paint the railings because everyone says, oh, I should do that.

I'm like, will you do mine when you're finished?

Yeah, good one.

All of that.

Uh,

yeah, but by the time the fifth person does that, it's a bit like I probably talked about this.

You know, if you're walking home from kinder with an empty pram, the next person will say, You've forgotten your baby.

You just want to go, Oh my god, please, and you see their eyes, you sit on our situation, you say that, you see their eyes light up from about 30 yards away.

They're like, Oh, I'm gonna deliver this, it's gonna be good, it's gonna be good, and they're just like, Don't even don't bother, come on.

Uh, we go for

Helen's friends have a fancy outdoor

barbecue that looks like a First World War sea mine.

Oh,

one of those eggs.

My friend Dave's got an egg.

Yeah, the green egg.

Unbelievable.

Now, it's not gas, it's solid fuel.

So it's a proper barbecue.

But at one point, Dan opens it and a flame just shoots out and Turkish barber creme brulee style burns all the hair on his arm.

Oh, that's exciting.

But the steak is delicious.

We have a lovely evening.

I really feel like I have accomplished something today.

Were you really hoping people said, and what have you been up to today?

Because you had some railing chat.

It's incredibly obvious what I have been up to today because I have

paint all over your penis, everybody knows.

I have black paint all over my outfit.

We stay there till about half 10

and we cycle home.

Then, I'm excited because how much has the new mattress inflated?

I know this.

I'm coming to the end.

This is, we're trying to keep it under an hour as well.

You'll notice two minutes.

This is so exciting.

I saw you just look at the clock and just turn to a new speed I'd never seen before.

I've spent 700 quid on a mattress that, what's it like when we get back?

And it turns out it's the exact same as the first mattress that

I bribed.

I paid 40 quid to the guy who dropped the first mattress, which is the Candy Floss one, to take it away.

And now...

700 quid later, I've effectively just got it back again.

So

we shrug our shoulders.

Oh, well.

Sink into the mattress.

Just your mouth poking out from the top of it like this, as it envelops you.

Even the cats like, this is bullshit.

This is absolute bullshit.

And doze off to sleep.

And that is what I did yesterday.

Oh, good day.

Good day.

You do, they're so different to mind.

You do so many things.

I'm not saying

jealous way.

Chasing a goose.

Exactly.

See where I end up following this goose oh good stuff hey look if you'd like to get in touch with the podcast we really value your input especially for the first half of this uh the midweek episodes without your interaction it would be nothing uh here's how

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com.

Follow us on Instagram at yesterday pod.

And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

And if you didn't, please don't

hey thanks david this was fun and do you know what

if we round this all off within the next 24 seconds we'll have done it under an hour the question is

do we have the self-control to end this podcast now in the next 15 seconds i i think i could end it quick because i am anxious to go up i just want to stare at the railings oh that's what i'm going to go up there and just oh it's just got an hour

i think we both thought that would happen um thank you david everything he showed us in it for life thanks max let's do it again soon cheers baby bye

Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

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Thank you, goodbye.