S2 EP23: Justin Moorhouse

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton and I'm David O'Doherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello, welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday.

David O'Doherty is there.

Hi, David.

You've booked our guest today, Max.

I've booked our guest today.

And he is a lovely man who comes onto my Talk Sport radio show with Barry Glenetting every Sunday to play guest the attendance.

We're not sure how that quiz began.

or how it evolved to Justin doing it every week for no money because he refuses to take payment.

And it has become, become, I would say, an institution.

Although one boss, recently departed boss from Talksbort, sent me a long email about how it really wasn't very good as a feature.

I spent hours explaining why it is peak radio.

Guess the attendance.

This is Justin Morehouse, is the guest, of course.

Yes, Dave.

So he, so you say

Burnley against West Ham, and he says 43,619.

And then Barry will go sort of one higher or one lower.

It's the price is right.

How much is the fridge?

But why it's good is that football fans think they know everything.

And then you say, how many people were at Charlton v.

Stockport?

And they go, I don't know, but I want to.

You're not going to switch off, are you?

You're not switching off.

Anyway, there's so much jeopardy in that quiz, but that's not what we're doing today.

No, I know Justin entirely independent of guessing how many people are at regional football matches.

I know him as a wonderful stand-up comedian.

Also, he's one of those, so he's a sort of legend of Manchester and the surrounding areas.

He would appear

in Coronation Street, I'm pretty sure, for a while.

He's in Phoenix Knights, wasn't he?

He was in Phoenix Knights.

Yeah.

He's just one of those people who has always, he has the capability of being able to play any gig whatsoever and will just turn up at a show in Australia.

We'll just wander into the green room

or at Edinburgh or wherever it happens to be.

He's on tour right now and for much of the next year with his show, The Greatest Performance of My Life.

Why not go on YouTube and watch his last special, which was called Stretch and Think, because he is one of the great stand-ups.

Yeah, I've watched it and it is great.

And I am biased because he fills 10 minutes of radio for me every week.

Anyway, for the tape, we have just had his day.

There is so, this this is the most packed day.

And it is, at one point, when I say this is not how any other comedian spends their day, it's

I'd say, well, I don't know if it's extraordinary.

None of the things he's doing are extraordinary, but they're not what you expect a stand-up comedian to be doing, I would say.

And there's so many different, it's up there

as an opening.

It's up there with Esther Menito crawling across the floor,

trying to do a wee.

Yeah.

Anyway, so this is what Justin Morehouse did yesterday.

Justin Morehouse, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Thank you.

It's very exciting.

It's rare that I book a guest, Justin.

So it's incumbent on you to be good so that I get some reflected glory.

So David stops complaining about how he's booked.

all the guests for this podcast.

Yeah, the only reason I decided to do it is because I've listened to a few of them and you have to do absolutely no preparation whatsoever you've just got to remember stuff from from a very short period of time ago yeah we think that is the reason why this will outlast all other podcasts yeah i think so because you get asked to do loads of podcasts and some of them they can be quite intricate and like require preparation and you're not getting paid any money and i'm not a mercenary I've got to pay for things.

Wow.

That is sneaky, Max, that you booked him and are keeping the five grand that we give to all of our guests.

I need it, but I think you're right, Justin.

I think the days where comedians want to think about their perfect time capsule of biscuits are over.

I just want a podcast to begin with.

This question:

when did you wake up yesterday, Justin?

Right, fantasy cabinet during wartime.

No,

you can't have Neville Chamberlain at the same time as Anthony Eden.

The man's a fucking appeaser.

Too many of them podcasts.

I like this one just going, all right.

Basically, this is the podcast that goes.

You're all right.

What do you do yesterday?

Sitting in.

And it's got no ambition because it's not like, what do you want to do tomorrow?

My God.

He's ripping us to shreds.

This is praise.

He's chuckling along here, Max.

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

You want to have no ambition.

The mild praise that this podcast gets.

It's like, I had diarrhea, but your podcast was the perfect thing to listen to.

Five stars.

Do you know what is so funny?

I was just, I don't know what I'm talking about today, not yesterday.

I was catching up on a few choice cuts of your podcast just to get myself in the vibe.

Okay.

I was listening to Max and Rob talking about dysentery.

Just as I had my second coffee about 20 minutes walk away from my house.

The sort of like effect of that made me, my gait improve.

Right.

Good.

Well, I hope you got there in time, but we can't, we're not interested in that information because that's the day and all we want is yesterday.

So, Justin, at what time did you wake up?

Are you ready for this?

Yeah.

I woke yesterday at 5.30 a.m.

Wow, wow.

Is that because you are...

Are you in the 5 a.m.

club now?

No, I have tried that.

Yeah, okay.

What is this?

What's a 5 a.m.

club?

Oh, as in CEO

people, yeah.

Yeah.

I i did try that for a little while getting up basically the 5 a.m club means just go to bed earlier because you're so tired you go to bed earlier no i had to get up at 5 a.m yesterday uh due to a combination of road workers

bank holidays and me being an over over protective father oh okay let's take each of those individually more in part two

stop trying to turn this into commercial radio both both of you i mean this this is long form chat roadworks what have we got so no road workers so basically i'll tell you the full story my son is a chef and a caterer and he has a coffee van he has a 1970s citroen h oh great great beautiful yeah like a mustardy orange and cream it's about six weeks older than i am and every morning it makes as many noises as i do to get going

you have to pull the choke out of the girl pull the choke out of justin then go boom, boom.

I was thinking about that today because I've heard David on the podcast we mentioned before refer to the choke as the chub.

Do you call the choke the chub in Ireland?

Did I call it the chub?

I meant to say the choke.

All right, okay, that's all right.

I remember doing my driving lessons, and the driving instructor was using the choke.

You don't see chokes these days.

And he went, you know, that's fun, isn't it?

So women can put handbags on.

Why is your engine running like that?

I thought it was to put my handbag on.

That wasn't the joke.

Anyway, so.

I ended up Bernard Manning was your driving instructor.

Exactly.

Well, every man you despise from around here sounds like that, or me or Toby Foster at the same time.

I realized when I had an impression of Bernard Manning, I basically sound like myself.

So I don't want to digress here, but I recently did, and I'm sure David's done the Altitude Skiing Comedy Festival.

I've never done it.

I've been asked to do it, but it seems like, because I've never skied or any of that.

You don't need to.

Really?

Genuinely life-changing.

Speak to Jason Byrne about it.

Honestly, we had a moment.

It was really good.

But Tim Vine was there.

And on the final day, everybody messes about and does a little bit.

And Tim Vine did an impression of me.

And I never knew I had a walk.

No.

And when I watched it, I went, oh, yeah, you do look like Bird and Manning Cross with the penguin.

Oh, God.

Just shuffling on stage.

Anyway, he's got the van, but he's also taken over the Caitren local golf club.

And Empire.

So he's got two businesses now, and I'm really helping him out doing that.

Yesterday morning, which was the Tuesday after bank holiday, he had 70 road workers in and he's got them in every day this week for bacon sandwiches and coffee at 7.30 in the morning whilst they have a safety demonstration.

Because of the vagaries of the business laws, he couldn't get a delivery of bacon enough on bank holiday Monday.

So I had to go to get it on bank holiday Monday from the supermarkets, which shut at four o'clock.

Now, bear in mind, I'm a vegan.

I'm running around trying to buy bacon for my son in the evening.

And so I had to get up and go at 6 a.m.

to buy a small quantity.

He had enough of the local butcher's bacon in that he'd ordered but i had to go to the supermarket and buy the finest quality smoky street back bacon i could get at 6 a.m so that's how i started my day is he going to cook that in the golf club or is he going to cook that in the van that's being cooked in the golf club he's got a kitchen in the golf club got it okay the van's got a coffee machine and ice and not much else because it's tiny you know yeah so can i just take you back to 5 30 to 6 a.m

is this a a rushed morning for you do you get a shower in or is it literally just clothes on cup of tea go get the bacon i have recently started adopting the gotquan approach to my days right talk us through it so i'm planning everything on a sunday so my meals my schedule my diary my shopping and my outfits for the week is i decide what i'm wearing each day on a sunday Wow.

But hang on, Justin, did that take a lot of brain power in the past?

Were you humming and hawing?

Were you appearing, you know, in different outfits in front of mirrors?

Yeah, I was turning up the dentist dressed in a Spaceman outfit, but I wanted to enjoy it.

Just plan it, Justin, plan it.

I'm loath to talk about this because not for any other reason than the mockery I'm going to get.

You'll not be surprised to learn I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD.

Sure.

Okay.

There are several things.

I don't want to go down medication.

I don't want the medication.

But what I want to do is in every aspect of my life where things are tumbling down, I say to myself, is this ADHD?

Very often it is.

So I just make little adjustments.

And that's been helping me over the last two or three months to lead a less chaotic life.

Can I ask?

And I know this is about today, but you're wearing, I think, a black t-shirt.

Did you on Sunday go Wednesday black t-shirt?

No, what I'm wearing now is my morning outfit.

Which is my black Nike yoga t-shirt,

my black Nike joggers and my socks and my trainers because every morning whatever i do i take the dog out and i wear sort of sport wear so were you in this exact outfit yesterday from 5 30 till six i wasn't in the same t-shirt but i was in the same get-up right and is that on the planning list or you just know that that's must i just know that when i say i choose my clothes i go right i've got this gig that gig this gig that gig this social function so i'll make sure that i've got the clothes ready for the week right wow are they all hung up like a football dressing room yeah

are they Yeah.

I mean, Gokuan.

Yeah.

He hangs them around his bedroom and takes photos of them and puts them on Instagram, I believe.

Oh, okay.

I go down to the point of choosing the underwear, the socks, and the trainers as well.

I haven't thought about Gokuan for a decade at least.

And now he reappears telling Justin Moorhouse what undies to wear next Thursday week.

It's just funny how life turns out.

Yeah.

Right.

So it's 5.30.

The alarm goes off.

Do you jump out of bed?

Yeah, I'm a no-snooze policy guy.

Yeah.

Okay.

My mate, John, I used to stay in his house all the time, sleep on the couch, and he would sleep in the easy chair.

And his alarm would get off at seven because he had to go to work.

And I once saw him get up, walk over to the hi-fi where the alarm was on top of and snooze it about eight times.

I think it was 56 minutes of walking and snoozing.

Snooze is stupid.

You might as well get out of bed.

There's no benefits of the snooze, is there?

I agree.

You don't go, oh, I feel much better for that seven minutes of anxiously waiting for the alarm to go up again.

Yeah.

I mean, I agree, but I live with someone who does not agree.

And so I just lie there for 10 minutes till it happens again.

Yeah.

I would like a life where I get up when I wake up, which is what I thought of being a comedian would be.

Yeah, but not at 5.30, Justin.

No, but get up when I wake up.

If I wake up and just go, right, well, am I awake?

Am I refreshed?

Let's get up and let's start the day.

The trouble is you had a son who needs six kilos of bacon.

That's your mistake, isn't it?

Yeah, I've got a son who needs six kilos of bacon.

I've got a daughter that's mithering me all the time.

I've got, you know, the missus who sleeps next to me, you know, going to work every morning.

And like David, well, unlike David, I have to do the gym bookings for my mum who's 78 and cannot work the app.

Not at 7 a.m.

when the community gym in whatever lovely part of Dublin that David's partner's booking them for, I have to book my mums at 6 a.m.

eight days in advance.

What's this fucking bullshit system that's dogging our lives with these?

I've got to go and burn out that gym.

That's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to insert a little spice into this.

Oh, God, what if it happens now?

The gym where mum goes is called the Waterside because it's next to the River Mersey.

And once a year, it floods.

And I fucking love that mum.

Okay, so do you have a cup of coffee?

Do you have anything?

No, at that point, nothing.

So I get in the car, I go down to Tesco's.

Odd collection of people shopping at one minute past six on the Tuesday after a bank holiday.

Very odd people, like old people.

What are you doing at one minute past six?

And the shop is sort of barely open and the lights are not on properly.

It's got that like American kind of movies set in the Midwest and they go to a 24-hour shop and the lights are on sort of a half-level.

It's kind of that blue.

You hear the ding when they walk through the door.

Yeah, yeah, so it's that kind of vibe.

So I go in, select the bacon, and some milk for the van as well.

Buy some milk for the coffee van, purchase that at the uh self-service checkout, keep the club car points for myself.

Bingo, yeah.

This is why this guy's getting up at half five to get a club car point.

Drive to the uh golf club, give the bacon to my son, and then I have to drive to the unit then to go and wake up the citron.

Oh, so the citron's not at your house.

Okay, sorry.

I had imagined a sort of chid shitty bang bang situation.

No, no, the citron, it's like it works, it runs, it's like a operating vehicle, but right on the edge of what you would call acceptable.

Yeah, I'm going to throw in another spanner here.

I've got my dog with me, right?

So I've got my little cocker spaniel with me, and she's sat in the car.

She's very happy being in the car.

The van is kept in a unit, which is an old garage.

I can't give you the exact location in case other baristas want to come come and steal my recipes.

Of course.

It's like my lair.

One of the most satisfying things you can do on a morning is drive up to a shutter and press a button.

Yeah, yeah.

I have done that so rarely in my life.

It will surprise you to know.

It is lovely to open a shutter with a remote control.

It's just nice.

You feel like you are entering a lair again.

So she's there, the sipson's there.

And then there's a procedure then that you have to do, which I've done a few times, but I've got it on a video note from my son.

so it's a case of me watching a video pausing it and then going back and which switch do i switch now because you've got to fire the machine up you've got to get the water hot you've got to get the steam pressure building the batteries have been charged overnight you've got to put the milk on you've got to get everything ready so the machine is kind of 75 80 ready for when it goes on its next journey yeah to the park Wow, so hang on.

So you get the coffee all going before you drive

the location.

Not the coffee, the water in the machine.

It's a group head, you know, coffee machine.

So you fill fill it with the water, you boil the water, the water boils, steam creates pressure, and pressure then forces the coffee through the into the espresso.

Right.

I mean, it's not the same, but it's not dissimilar.

A while ago, my sister's bowl cock had bent or something such that water was flowing directly from the attic down onto her bed.

So I called over.

and immediately go to YouTube videos to how do you fix this but every youtube clip has two ads playing before it and they are the least welcome i am never going to buy a quad lock a device for attaching some sort of small computer to your bike i am never ever going on a paddy mcginnis flight holiday all in inclusive detail because of this so i know the frustration of having to find a video oh those videos like paddy is an old friend of mine but we get it paddy we know booking sounds like fucking we know it

stop fucking hammering this fucking point Max won't be getting this because he's in Australia so he's getting entirely different ads so the ad goes like this oh cockers why don't you go to a beaty with family booking.com booking brilliant oh yeah that's it oh that's clever it's clever i would remember it now while people are trying to fix ballcocks because their sister's crying i thought you were saying if you YouTube Ballcock, it's quite a dangerous thing to YouTube, isn't it?

Like

what you might get.

I actually went on a YouTube explainer yesterday to try to fix the remote control on the air conditioning in the shed.

And a man told me how to take a screwdriver to sort of...

clean off the sort of muck where the batteries are meant to go.

And then you just roll the batteries for ages.

And then the remote control comes back to life.

And so I did everything.

Genuinely, you had to do it in YouTube to work out how to do the swizzle of a a battery in a remote control.

This thing here with your hands.

It's a tale as old as time.

Didn't work.

Hasn't worked.

So maybe I just don't have the magic touch.

Maybe you need new batteries, Max.

I've tried that.

A bit of wire wool on the contacts.

I don't have any wirewool.

Amazon, new remote control, $10.99.

Yeah,

I'm thinking about going that way.

It's true.

Joe, I've always thought about you two guys.

Too many remote controls in your lives.

Yeah.

And this podcast so far has really borne that out.

Yeah.

What's wrong with buttons, lads?

Just go up to the button.

Just do it that way.

The button, honestly, if I press the button, it does auto.

And then when it gets dark, it starts heating the room.

And I don't need that when it's 35 degrees.

I noticed that the other day.

What kind of air conditioning you have you got when it works on light?

Yeah, I don't know.

Anyway, it was very, very reasonably priced.

Do you ever think when your son wakes you up at 6 a.m.

or 6.21 more recently, it's because he wants to buy two stone of bacon?

But as yet, not yet.

It will happen.

It's on the cards.

Yeah, how much bacon did you, did you take all the bacon from that Tesco?

Was there no bacon for anyone else?

The first bacon trip I did, which is a little teaser, coming up later, you'll hear about more meat purveying.

Oh, this is good.

The first bacon that I bought, I bought the last thing you want when you've got 70 road workers.

coming in for essential, meaning mandatory, meaning ticking boxes, health and safety training,

is to run out of bait.

When they've had to come in early and they've all turned up, all the trucks are there, they've all got the flashing lights on the back, they all say motorway maintenance.

The golf club didn't look like a golf club in the car park.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It looked like, oh, no, we're going to have to pay them some money to move off.

So I just got some extra.

So it was about eight packets, thick packets.

Got it.

It was 122 slices.

Okay.

Or rashes, as you call a bacon slicer.

Rashes.

Yeah, I would go rashes.

But, you know, a slice of bacon sounds like a good amount of bacon.

And whilst I was buying it, all I had in my head was a YouTube, not a YouTuber, an Instagram reel that pops up up for me all the time.

I don't know who these guys are.

David will know who they are.

Two fellas from Ireland who sing a song about workers going for the breakfast roll at the Stat Oil.

Do you know what it is, this?

Yeah, that's from 20 years ago.

Right.

They were called Dunbelievables, and they were really, really funny.

And they sort of looked at aspects of rural life in Ireland, such as people eating a big old cholesterol bun in the morning, or the local cops who are talking about how, when there's a match on, everyone's blocking the road by parking on one side of the ditch.

But all the cops can think to say about it is, you can't be doing that, lads.

You can't be doing that, lads.

It's genuinely good Irish content.

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Right, so we're in the garage.

You've turned the Citroen on.

No, I'm not turn the Citroen on.

I've put the coffee machine on.

It's bubbling away now.

Yeah.

It's getting to the boil.

It's a dual-fuel Francino coffee maker.

So it's working on gas and electric at this point.

So the electric is helping it boil quicker.

I've stocked up.

I've put my marshmallows on there.

I make sure I've got cups.

I make sure the van's fully stocked for the day.

Okay.

Once the

water gets to boiling point, the pressure builds.

Once it's in the green, we're allowed then to disconnect everything and make our way to the park.

Got it.

You driving?

So it's like a Citroen 2 CV type low-speed vehicle, I would imagine.

Yeah, let me tell you the ways in which it is ridiculous.

It is left-hand drive.

Yeah.

Right.

Bonjour.

It is 55 years old.

It has three gears, one, two, and three.

A 750cc engine, whatever that is.

The seats, the springs have gone.

So I'm a big lad already, but I'm now sunk into this seat, like I'm cocooned in this, like a little ewok behind a huge wheel.

There's obviously no power steering.

And the first thing we do when we get out of the unit is we have to go up a hill.

Right.

Okay.

I've got the dog next to me panicking because she doesn't enjoy being that.

Yeah.

I've had to move the pellegrinos off the seat where they store during the day onto the floor.

And she's there and she's shaking.

We back out of the mission, out of the unit.

We press the button.

That goes down.

That's that's the last bit of fun I have all day.

That comes down,

that's done.

So then I fucking wrestle the fucking wheel round, and I get out.

And bear in mind, I've not been driving it for a while because this is a new venture for Barnard, the golf club.

So I've not been driving the van.

You've got to know it, it's kind of a thing.

And I'm thinking, the van is really revving quite high.

I subsequently find out that he's switched that up to give him some more revs to get up that hill.

Right.

I'm trying to get in first gear.

I can't.

Crunch,

and it's behind people's houses.

It's seven o'clock in the morning,

the knob at the top of the gear stick has fallen off.

And I'll say this out loud: my son's attention to detail is fucking appalling.

Like, it's such a Heath Robinson approach, this van now, but he's used to it, and it's fine.

But you walk into it, you're like, This is fucking chaos.

So, I'm going up the road, and it's rush hour, and the van is poodling.

So sweet, the dog's whining and moaning.

The next thing, the door where the dog is

opens

on the main road.

The dog jumps out.

Fuck off.

How fast are you going?

30 miles an hour.

The dog makes a leap for it.

And I've got the dog on the lead.

And I've grabbed her.

And I've just literally, I mean, it was like a cartoon.

The van door opens.

She goes for it.

Her feet touch the floor and I bring her back in.

Is it like Indiana Jones?

And the door.

It was like this.

And then...

Do you ever have days where you, I don't like driving.

I hate driving.

You know, this bullshit machismo thing where people go, oh, I'm a good driver.

I don't, I'm not.

I'm a terrible driver.

I don't concentrate.

I don't know how fast I'm going.

I make mistakes.

I'm on like nine points constantly.

I don't think I should drive.

Like, I don't want to be famous, more famous than needs be, so I can have a big house.

I want to earn enough money so I can have a full-time person that just drives me around.

Right.

That's pretty decadent.

That's a pretty decadent wish.

You want to show for...

I seem to remember being at a dinner with Matt Letitier and he had a...

Oh, life advice from Matt Letitier.

Here we go.

It was before some of the tinfoil hat stuff had really happened.

But he had a driver.

Yeah, he had his driver.

This was his guy who sat next to him at the dinner.

What do you do?

I'm just Matt Letitier's driver.

I don't know if it is decadent because like, a lot of the old comics, they have what they call a bagman.

I've seen that.

Yeah.

Like Mick Miller, who I don't know if you ever worked with David.

Yeah.

He's such a brilliant comedian.

He has Steve that works.

When Steve rings, he goes, hey, it's Steve here from Mick Miller.

Like Mick Miller's ICI.

And he's his bag man.

He takes his suit in.

He makes sure that Mick's treated like a superstar.

He drives him and drops him off at the door.

And I think that's kind of, anyway, I'm not at that stage yet.

But one day I will get there if the bacon sandwiches carry on at this rate.

So, hang on.

I just need some clarifications here.

So, is your son is in the golf club cooking up the bacon?

You're cooking up the bacon.

That little line sounded like something from a Bob Dylan song.

Your son is in the golf club cooking up the bacon.

You're in the golfling.

I'm not driving the citron trying to save the spaniel.

You cut to the pressure on the machine dripping and dropping.

Yeah, so that's the other thing I feel that we've lost sight of here.

The tiny, tiny Citron with the dog effectively fly flishing in and out of one of the doors also has 30 liters of boiling water behind you as well, which brings more tension to the whole thing.

The weight of it is right behind my head as well.

I've not considered that until this point.

You've now added a level of anxiety.

So there is boiling pressurized water encased in steel with only a flimsy bit of ply betwixt.

Yeah.

I mean, maybe the grinder could take some of the impact.

That's going to stop us.

And then I just have a moment where I just pull in and I have the dog on the car next to me.

And I just take a deep breath.

And then a white van comes past.

And I'm not going to tell you the name of the logo of the van.

Because it was on this way to the golf club for a bacon sandwich.

Right, I see.

The guy shouts out the window, you're a fucking idiot.

And I think, I've been getting your fucking bacon, mate.

If you knew that, you wouldn't be calling me an an idiot.

Why are you specifically an idiot in this situation?

Because you're driving too slow or because possibly because I'm driving too slow and possibly because I've allowed a pet to jump out of a movie vehicle.

The other thing as well is not everybody on the road is aware of the vagaries of the vehicle I'm driving.

So the man in the street or the man in the white van isn't aware that the van automatically is a left-hand drive.

So he's basically seeing a cocker spaniel jump out of the driver's seat.

And he's just thinking that cocker spaniel should at least, if he's going to drive, at least stay in the seat for the whole journey.

You know, that's the least a dog can do.

I hope the next part of this is that, like, you know, sometimes the way the cops do early morning drink driving

and they breathalize the dog.

The dog is horrifically over the alcoholic limit, but then the dog, like a sketch from the 80s, just points to you steering on the wrong side.

The dog's drinking.

And the dog just looks at me and goes, I wanted to talk to you about it for some time.

Okay, clarification.

Are you taking the coffee to the golf club now?

No, the golf club is its own separate entity and that's happening and the bacon's been dropped off and he is rolling.

He is rolling.

What I want here, though.

ideally is for someone to seize the Instagram account of the golf club, get the photo of all of the motorway stuff and go, bad news.

We've sold the golf club.

They're going to build a motorway through it.

Send all to the members.

Yes, that would be the M60 Spur Road starts here.

Yeah.

Oh, that would be brilliant.

All right.

So you are setting the coffee van up.

So when he's done the bacon, he's going to cut.

So people aren't going to be served coffee by you later in the day.

Well, no, they're not going to be served by anything by me because I have the inability to make coffee, even though I've been on two training courses.

You're the power behind the throne, though.

Yeah.

So I get to the park.

So you basically drive in the park.

What comes with the responsibility of having a pitch in the park with a coffee van is we are also the guardians of the toilet key.

Oh, wow, which is very important because due to austerity and since the credit crunch, I believe, or the GFC, as they call it, whatever you want to call it, 2008, the global

councils

ran out of money and went, we don't do that anymore.

We don't do parks, we don't do this.

So, the toilets are not open 24-7.

There's no park keeper anymore.

Essentially, we are the keepers of the key.

It's like an episode of Adolescence.

This is all.

I think you've seen adolescence.

As a man, it's really important you should watch it.

I haven't seen it myself, but I say that enough times.

So anyway, spin the thing around the roundabout.

It's parked under like a pine tree.

Very, it looks very nice in the park.

It's very good.

Hatch comes up.

The machine starts a bubbling.

I can't get the gas to work for about 10 minutes.

and then i realize i've got to turn the gas on so i turn the gas on and then the gas starts working it's amazing they even have to do youtube that just worked that one out myself as a someone who didn't grow up with an electric oven it is terrifying when you have to light the gas yeah be it with the usually with the sparky button on the hob or sometimes we have to get physically bring flame into

a gas yeah terrifying but what a noise

and sometimes there would be like the you you know, you'd get it lit going, vom.

And then there'd be the extra bit when it really kicks in, it goes, vom, vom.

That is really nice.

Yeah.

Well, this has got an electronic button that you press and hold the thing.

You have to, you have to hold one down and click, click, click.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it, my son told me it never lights the first time.

It always lights the second time.

And I went, have you not worked out why that is?

Can we sort that out?

Is that a thing?

Apparently, not.

Anyway, so

that's warming up.

And then the employee of the day, which is not a title, he's one.

It's just just he is the employee.

We've taken on four people in the last couple of weeks.

And employing people is such a responsibility.

Got to pay the wages every week and everything else.

We're paying decent wage.

We're paying above minimum wage.

We're paying the living wage for the area we live in because, you know, I've got a reputation.

You've only been known as comedian and slum landlord, do you?

There's a few.

There's definitely a few out there.

But, you know, we pay a nice wage.

So we've got some really good applicants.

And

of the four of them, three of them sound like the basis of any kind of crime caper.

We've got a girl from Japan who is a student now.

This is a Japanese girl.

So she's like your one kind of like one element of your team.

We've got a lady who's lived over here forever, but she's a Russian national.

She's a Russian.

She's got the Russian, the Japanese.

And on shift yesterday was Angus, who went to school at Eton.

He's like a gentleman spy.

This is right in itself, isn't it?

Literally, this MI6 has had to downsize into the sit-room and park it in a park near the M6.

This is great.

Hey, they weren't so much double agents as double espresso.

Justin, my fear here, I do know some people who went to those posh English schools, and it strikes me they would spoof their way into a coffee van job, not having a fucking clue how to make a cup of coffee.

Thanks for your concern.

I guess we can't hang Angus out to dry.

They're notoriously litigious, the posh, as well.

He's brilliant.

He's absolutely brilliant.

Go on, Angus.

Go on, Angus.

And obviously, he's doing his degree as well.

So this is like just 20 hours a week for us.

He's absolutely brilliant.

I told him he got the job and he said to me, he went, I am going to give it my everything.

Yes.

And I said, don't, Angus.

I'd rather you concentrate on your studies.

I just wanted you to make the very good coffee, but don't give it everything.

Please work on this dissertation you've got about the history of art because that's what's going to be better for you.

I felt like his father at one point.

Although, a history of art dissertation and actually making a really good coffee, it's hard to know what is going to set you up more for life.

Better both.

Maybe you could work in an art gallery and then when they light in the coffee shop, you could just go and help there.

Yeah, absolutely.

You can curate and brew at the same time.

Right.

So you leave Angus.

Angus is there.

You give him the toilet key.

No.

Oh.

I'm glad you said that.

Yeah.

Angus says, where is the toilet key?

Okay.

And I say, it's there, isn't it?

We look everywhere for the toilet key.

No, no.

Turns out the toilet key is in my son's house in Rush Holme, which is nowhere near the park.

Oh, dear.

And you don't have a car because you've driven the Citroen.

Your car's at the unit.

My car's at the unit, yeah.

Yeah.

You bob on here, Max.

You're following this story very.

a train during the even at eight o'clock yet.

I mean, we're gonna go.

Are we 40 minutes in?

We're not eight.

Oh, God.

We never give evenings what they deserve.

We'd look for it, and there's then a protracted period of time, quite a long period of time, where I'm trying to find out where the key is.

Barney is kind of saying that he hasn't got the key.

I'm saying you've got to have the key.

I gave you the key last night.

He said it's hung up there.

We look for it.

That takes about an hour.

Fuck.

This is really good stuff.

An hour looking for a toilet key.

And in the end, we have to open the manhole cover, send the posh guy down.

He swims up, comes out of the toilet, opens it from the inside.

Yes.

So Angus then knows he's going to be working on a coffee van all day with the opportunity, he gets a reasonable wage, but also as many liquid refreshments as he can possibly have.

But that's denied him because he wants to have too much free liquid.

He's not going to be able to use the toilet all day.

Oh, yeah.

Can I just ask, I just want a bit, and I know we're not at eight o'clock yet, but a bit of data of the whole hour, because it's not a big man.

And the two of you are in it.

I don't know how big Angus is, but the two of you are sort of, you're in this man.

What are you chatting about?

Just where the key is.

Are you talking about anything else?

Are you just like, it's not under here?

It's not in here.

Yeah, I'm just looking back on my text to my son yesterday.

Are you ready?

This is the text that I exchange.

Yes, please.

With time codes, if possible.

With time codes.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

I've already done a couple of, this is at 7 a.m., a couple of sketchy little videos to Barney asking him how the boiler got and gone built now, no problem.

And he says, All okay.

And he says, A lot less here than they said.

He sends me a picture of all the rashes of bacon that he's used that I've actually gone and bought.

Oh, really nice.

They went.

I didn't need this.

And I went, that's fine.

I said, I struggled this morning.

I forgot the keys to the gate.

The water needs sorting.

Also, our beans.

He says, what keys?

Should be a tub under the bench behind the machine.

If not, there's a kilogram of coffee back in front of the grinder.

And I said, toilet keys left in car.

He said, should be under bench.

I said, which bench?

I took them out last night and gave them you.

The front one.

In the cab.

If there's none, it's not the end of the world.

We don't charge for them.

Oh, that was Marshall.

He's answering different questions, by the way.

We're out of the scene.

He's answering marshmallow questions in the mixture and the toilet keys.

I'm a toilet key purist.

I don't care about the marshmallow.

I said, where are the keys?

He said, under the hatch bench.

I said, wait, he says, where you stand to serve at thigh height.

Very specific now.

He's now losing his temper.

It's 8.11.

This is now.

Also, with the mix up here, Justin has already been both hands in the marshmallows, just ruining ruining around.

Why do you keep a key in the marshmallows?

It's gone 7.24 till 8.12.

I said, I've not got the keys.

You gave me off the ring either.

I've got to go back to the car for them.

And then I said to my son, very ADHD.

Door swung open.

Dog jumped out.

He never even responded to that.

No.

He's too interested feeding road workers bacon sandwiches.

I'll go and check.

They're not in my car.

I said, last night, and I reiterated it, last night I gave you them at the club.

Did you leave them in the van?

And then we didn't speak again on text until.

So

I think this is important that you see this.

So I said to him at 8:30, did you leave them in the van?

Okay, did you leave them in the van?

It was at 8.30 in the morning.

You see that?

Yeah, we can see that.

Yeah.

The next message he sent me was at 19.17.

Got keys.

Got keys.

11 hours.

11 hours.

He didn't admit to not having the keys.

So does that mean the toilet is not unlocked for everyone in the park?

Everyone in the park then had to go elsewhere and everything else.

I'm beginning to think, as I speak to you guys, and this has been very, very helpful, that I don't think I've got ADHD.

I think my fucking kids are fucking driving me mental.

What would be good, though, would be is what park is it?

Can you tell us what park it is?

Yeah, it's Thornfield Park in Heatonmore, SK4.

So if anybody listening was in Thornfield Park on the 6th of May and couldn't get to the toilet because the key wasn't there.

We know.

We now know where it was.

So, in the midst of all this, I'm also getting, have you ever seen the film Goodfellas?

I have seen the film Goodfellas.

Yeah, not for a while, but yeah.

You know, at the end of the film Goodfellas, as we reach the Denouement,

Harry, Harry Hall, is he called?

Harry Hall, he's getting, I've got to stir the tomato sauce.

I've got to go and get the gun.

I've got to do this.

I've got to do it.

He's got all these, there's a helicopter going over.

You know, it's a perfect storm.

At the same time as all this is happening, at eight, let me just check.

8.15, I get a phone call from my mother-in-law that says, Our sky is not working.

Oh, no.

Our sky is not working.

What do you mean, the one in the up above us, or do you mean the television?

Be more fucking specific, Mary, at this moment now, because I'm having a bad day.

What does Mary want to watch at 8.15?

Boardwalk Empire?

What's she on?

I go then in the car.

This is about nine, quarter nine.

I then go to the retirement flats where my mother yeah and my mother and father both live in okay your mother and your mother and father-in-law not all together they have separate flats in this thing

in the meantime i've forgotten my breakfast because i'm on a i'm on a high protein low carb calorie controlled diet because my doctor told me i'm a ticking time bomb and that isn't a joke actually said those words you're a ticking time bomb i think he could have put that in a nicer way

yeah there's certainly work we can do here justin and maybe it's as opposed to.

Like I'd taken the citron into the specialist and the gasket had gone.

It's ticking time on mate.

That's what it is.

So you haven't had anything.

You haven't consumed anything.

I've not eaten anything, not drank anything, not done anything.

So then I make a brief hurried text call to the woman that I live with and I say to her, will you bring me a black edition chocolate huel?

I think I need the extra protein at this stage.

Right.

I'll meet you at the doctor's where she's going to have a minor operation at the doctor's this morning.

What a day this is.

It's only eight o'clock.

So I'm hungry.

I'm panicking.

I'm a bit fretting.

Angus then texts me to say.

Does he say, just to let you know, I'm still giving it everything?

Sire.

Not only is he giving it everything, he's asking for everything.

Don't know if you've been told, but just in case you haven't, we need more decaf, marshmallows, bovril, vimto, matcha and chai.

Just that.

Yeah.

I mean, the words decaf, matcha and chai, I didn't know until I was 38.

So then I've got about half an hour to get to the, I then go to the top.

Have you gone to Fix the Sky?

Are you on the way to the city?

No, no, no.

I'm going to go and fix the sky because I'm going to go and see my mum at 10 o'clock for a cup of tea.

So I say, I'll call at 10 o'clock.

I'm going to have a cup of tea with my mum.

Yeah.

I go to the cash and carry.

I don't even have been in the cash and carry.

Oh, a lot of rages, but what a place.

I mean, it's just ridiculous.

You can buy everything that you like, but loads of it.

To our listeners who might know what a cash and carry is, I think it's called something else in Australia and America.

It's where small shops go to buy, for example, 1,000 super sour sweets in a giant

oil drum.

It's just cola bottles.

That's all you're looking for is the cola bottles going, oh my God, this many cola bottles.

I went there when I was about 10 years old and I kind of went back in my 20s then.

And from the 10-year-old memories, it was basically what the Wonka factory was.

And then you go back there and it's just, oh, no, it's just giant sacks of tea bags.

Yeah.

But the particular one I went to was a catering one rather than it's so it sells.

It's a catering wholesalers, the cash and carry.

It doesn't have a lot of stock.

You buy Vimto to serve.

You wouldn't buy Vimto to sell there.

Right.

Does that make sense?

Look, is it not the case that every kid you ever played with whose mother or father worked in a shop had enormous size things in the house because they were clearly illegally buying stuff from the cash can.

You can do that, but this is a specific one for catering.

So you go in, you have to scan, and I don't have the card on my thing.

So I'm thinking every time I go, I'm thinking,

what barcode is it?

So then I go into my son's WhatsApp messages and I search barcodes and eventually that takes about 10 minutes.

I get access to the thing.

I go in, I get the trolleys that you have to pull behind you.

They're not a push trolley.

And I get my mum's alcohol-free beer that she has from there because my mum used to drink a lot.

Can I just say, Justin,

you know, I've been doing this pod, I don't know for how long.

This is not a normal day for a comedian.

If I would just like to point out

from what most of them are doing is just trying not to look at their phone.

That's all they've done by this time.

There's so much more to come.

Okay, right.

Let's crack on.

And I apologise for being long-winded.

That's okay.

So I go get my mum some alcohol free beers i go and get the stuff i get all that the blue blue roll we're always buying blue roll blue roll blue roll always buying blue roll so i buy some more blue roll and you go around like you're in the tesco you know you you've got a self-scanner beep beep beep beep beep get to the end beep pay go but no they take the scanner off you they beep it and then they scan everything again anyway in case you're nicking stuff like just scan it once don't make me scan it he's buying enormous he's buying a jeraboom of Vimto.

Every small thing you can think of.

Well, it was temporary Vimto we buy because on the van, we sell exclusively Middle Eastern Vimto.

I don't know if you've ever had that.

No.

So Vimto is the most popular drink for Ipfah and for celebrations in the UAE and several countries across the Middle East.

It's a very, very strong concentrated high fructose level Vimto.

It's incredible.

So we sell that on the van.

So can I just step in here?

I only know vimto vaguely because it's not available in ireland it's pink right it's a fizzy pink things it's fizzy pink what flavor does it claim to be well it's vim toe so it's a tonic to give you vim and vigor so that's where it comes from it's one of those drinks like cola and sarsaparal that were invented i think it was invented in 1903 in manchester by jn nichols wow history of vimto here well i was actually for some period the voice of the vimtoad on the adverse were you oh wow there's a large purple toad knew when you asked this question david we've literally we've struck gold here

extraordinary and i say you can look this up hey up sues

looks like some lovely vimto oh i could drink that with my lovely tongue

vimto hang on i think they could have picked a more appetizing mascot than the vim toad with respect to your great work no doubt about i was not involved in that creative process yeah okay i was a hired gun i was the voice of the toad it wasn't at the point where i could change it.

I was just glad that I actually made it through because about 10 years ago, I went through the whole process of being the voice for the Young's Fish Sea Lion.

It was an animatronic sea lion that would sit at the head of a table with her human family and it would just be my face, but with a sea lion doing this with his hands.

That's weird.

And the kids wouldn't eat the fish fingers.

And I go, are you not eating them?

I'll have them.

We filmed this at Pinewood and it was filmed by Rattling Stick, which are one of the most famous advertising companies in the world.

He's the guy that came up with the kung fu fight in John West Tuna Bear.

Massive, huge company.

We filmed it on the Harry Potter stage and all this sort of stuff.

And it was going to be loads of money and it was exciting.

And they made it and they showed it to a test audience who fucking hated it.

And they shook her up the entire campaign.

No.

I told you the CNN story.

No.

I got a call on a Friday morning and it was when I was in London and we used to, once a month, we'd have a toucan Thursday, me and my mates.

And we go at the toucan, the Guinness pub, and just stay there all night.

And so I got a call on a Friday morning like, could you audition to be the voice of CNN International?

And I went, sure.

And I had a, like, I'd drunk so much Guinness the night before.

My voice was so deep.

So I walked in.

I was like, you know, this is CNN with Holligarani.

And they were like.

You got the job.

This is great.

It wasn't like buckets of money, but it was like really regular work.

It was like once a week, go in, do 10 of them, whatever.

And I was like, this is great.

And I went in and I recorded the first one.

You know, I was like, this is CNN with Hyderabad.

This guy just went, hi, it's Mike in Atlanta here.

Could you just be a little deeper?

And I'd be like, hello.

I just couldn't.

I just couldn't get that.

And they gave it to some bloke from Capital Radio.

That was it.

It's the justification for every old alco living in Dublin who drinks six pints a night.

Oh, God, I'm actually the voice of CNN.

I need to drink six pints every night.

I love a little voiceover.

One time I was the voice for Piers Morgan.

Piers Morgan's Life Stories with Best Western Hotels.

Hotels with personality.

I was only the voice of Gaviscon.

It's literally all I was.

I don't know why it was just so specific.

I couldn't get anything else.

I could only do indigestion.

Tom and Tim like food on the go.

For Tom, it means heartburn.

For Tim, it means indigestion.

Sometimes it's the other way around or both.

They use Gaviscon double action.

Interesting story, right?

They were two twins, right, in France, and they thought they were such a shoe-in that they priced themselves out.

And so they went and found some twins in Malaysia, John and James, and they got the gigs.

Who knows what happened to the French twins?

Anyway, we've got the Vimto.

We're not even at 10 o'clock.

Okay.

So I hot foot it to the doctor's surgery.

She's having a minor operation.

I've got the keys for her car.

I get the ironing out to take to her mother-in-law's, the decorating poles, which are going to to go to my niece.

Oh, I've already gone to the co-op on the way because I thought she's not read my message about the Hule.

So I've gone to co-op, I bought a Huel and I bought a pack of Queen vegan ham smoky slices to just get the protein up there.

So you're eating just slices of vegan ham, plastic vegan ham, which has got 1300 milligrams of sodium in it, which I found out after I'd logged it in MyFitnessPal, drinking the plastic huel drinking

time bomb.

Yeah.

I ring my mum to say, listen, listen, mum, I'm going to be running a few minutes late.

And she says, what for?

Because my mum is very forgetful.

I have to check in with every day.

I've got a little screen that I send the messages on.

So she remembers where I am.

And I say, Mom, mom, she goes, oh, I didn't even know you was coming.

And I have to just go, okay, fine.

I said, well, we're going to go for a cup of tea.

I said, but listen, if I'm seeing you tomorrow, let's just do that tomorrow.

Okay.

I said, I'll come and say hello.

I get to the flat.

And you know what?

The next hour and a half, okay,

is me on the phone to Sky.

Oh no, I've done this, I've been this guy.

You don't need to know the details of that.

All I'll tell you is, my mother-in-law Mary comes in whilst I'm on the phone to Skye, pretending to be her,

right?

And she's on the phone organizing a vegetable Rogan Josh night they're doing for the old people in the communal lounge in three weeks' time.

And I'm thinking to myself, genuinely, I love this woman, and she's been very kind and helpful to me.

And I'm just thinking, will you not just shut the fuck up while I'm trying to sort your fucking broadband out?

I know you've you've done something.

You and your husband will have changed some settings.

And I'm trying to pretend to these people that you haven't.

And she just keeps chirping in, can't they just send somebody?

And I want to go, do you not understand the fucking place we are in society now where no one gets sent anywhere?

They do it all online.

This is fucking gonna, and this is frustrating.

And they're forgetting passwords.

And then my father-in-law gets me out his file with every password he's ever written in his life all written down.

Love it.

Hundreds of these passwords.

And in the end, in the end, they say to me, and for shame, for shame, they say, we're going to have to escalate this.

And I'm very afraid someone's going to have to call you back.

And I went, Holly fucking Louia.

I went, Ring Mary.

It's her fucking sky.

Okay.

The dog is now carrying under the table.

The dog's got a drink problem, has jumped out of her van, you know.

She's tried to escape.

She's probably saw the co-op herself and thought, I'm going to get some tenants.

And I walk down the other end of the corridor where my mum lives and I knock on the door and there's no answer.

I knock on the door and there's no answer.

And even though I'm aware that there probably isn't a problem, when your elderly mother is there, you think she's dead behind the door.

That's what you think straight away.

So, luckily, I've got my keys.

I open the door, and she's nowhere to be seen.

The lady across the road goes, Oh, she went out 15 minutes ago.

So, mom's even forgot I'm coming around.

This is where we're at now.

Mum has gone to the shop.

I breathe a sigh of relief.

I think that's good.

So, I leave, and me and the dog go for a little walk.

Oh, you've needed this.

No one's needed a walk more than you need this walk.

Yeah.

I get my phone.

I turn it off.

I put it in the car and I go for a walk.

Wonderful.

And it's about 45 minutes of absolute bliss.

It's just great.

And it just needs to realign my chakras, get everything set up.

I get back to the car.

I open my phone.

There's about 15 missed calls on it from my son.

Oh, no.

What did he...

What do you not have?

Marshmallows, Vimto?

Is that what the workman wanted to do?

That's all fine.

I've got to now go to the butcher's to to pick his order up for the next day because the butchers can't deliver at a certain time.

And I'm vegan.

Okay.

So I think already, like, this is kind of weird for me.

You've had a meaty day.

And I'm also reasonably well known in the area where I live.

Sure.

So people know me.

That's the comedian.

He's the guy who used to be on Radio Manchester.

I'm very, very famous in a very specific postcode sector.

If I could transport that across the country, I'd be having a driver.

This is the kind of thing.

So people know who I am.

And they know I'm a vegan.

They know this.

By this time, I've come home and

I've eaten lunch, which was disgusting.

I've air-fried a full block of tofu in chunks.

Wow.

I've stir-fried that with some broccoli and I've poured over a packet of Palax Dal.

And just have that for my lunch.

It's a bleak day on a plate so far.

It's just vegan protein I've got in me.

I've just got in me.

I come upstairs, I sit at the desk, I do the payroll for Thursday.

Yeah, I do the payroll, I send all that off.

You're keeping about six shows on the road here, Justin.

I think I've got a problem.

Nope.

I mean, you're certainly giving back to all these people.

This is beautiful.

So then the van has to come off the park at four o'clock.

And so my job at four o'clock is to pick the van up.

Hang on, what's happened at the butcher's?

The meat order, the butchers, is not available till three o'clock.

Okay.

So I've got a time that three o'clock to four o'clock.

Which way around am I going to do this?

Yeah.

And I don't know what it's like where you live, but rush hour here begins when the first school starts coming out.

So the rush hour lasts from like three till seven

every day.

It's fucking horrific.

So I'm going through all this traffic.

I get to the butchers.

You know the kind of butchers it is.

It's not pre-packaged stuff on a tray in front of you.

There are saws and axes and hammers hanging up.

It's a butcher's.

They do butchery in the butchers.

That's quite an unusual thing.

And although I don't eat meat, I'm an advocate for this kind of butchery.

I think if you're going to eat a pig, eat everything.

You know, eat everything.

So they do that.

They saw thing and they're all covered in blood.

And there's things.

Whoa.

I say, I've come for the order.

And they know who I am.

And they know that I'm a vegan.

And they're just staring at me like I'm an interloper, like I'm the enemy.

And it's such a weird.

For me, it feels like I'm walking into a sex shop.

It just feels like...

It's like, hey, you're Al Pacino and they are Rubber Daniel.

Yeah.

This is what it is.

So I put two trays of meat into the hire car.

Yeah.

Which sounds like the name of a Bob Dylan album.

The hire car.

If my totals are correct, this is the fourth vehicle you have driven today.

I've got a hire car at the moment.

Okay.

So I get the hire car, put the thing in,

drive down to the golf club, through the traffic, past the McVitie's factory with a lovely waft of ginger nuts yesterday, I think it was.

There's a very large McVitie's factory in between the butchers and the golf club.

And no, it's just before four o'clock because I use the bus lane.

So it's great.

I can use the bus lane.

Perfect.

Drop the meat off.

The kitchen's very busy.

And Barney is also, not only has he had 70 road workers in for bacon sandwiches and coffee in the morning, he's also had a hot and cold buffet for a funeral.

This golf club does everything except golf.

There's been a a very busy funeral, so it's catered for those people.

And Tuesdays, apparently, is also Ladies' Day.

Ladies' Day.

And he's been told the secret of any success that he's going to have is getting the ladies on board.

Okay.

Right.

They're all coming in with late tea off times.

They're going, well, we're not back until 7:30.

What can we have to eat?

And he's going, well, I'll be closed then.

And they have a look of disappointment on his face, but he's got an ace up his sleeve.

I like this about the kid.

Bacon.

Do you want a bucket of bacon?

He's going, I'll do your salad.

I'll do your salad ready for when you come back.

And they're all, oh, what can you do?

And he has improved the cape and since he's been there.

The offering is better.

No doubt.

So go and do your chicken salad.

And she goes, would you put me an egg on there?

And he gives her a wink.

This middle-aged woman, my 28-year-old son, winks at this 50-odd-year-old woman and goes, for the extra protein, love, not a problem.

And I thought, if it never works out for him in the golf club, he can work in the butchers because he's got the right attitude for this.

So then I go to the van and Angus, I'm late for Angus.

And I apologise to Angus because i'm late for the thing i drive the van off

and it's very hard again i've not got the dog with me by this point because i have had enough i drive back to the unit i do the setup for the next day i lock up the unit up and i'm supposed to get him being picked up then to get a lift back to where my car was my other half can't get there she's stuck in traffic i say don't worry i'll walk

I go for a walk.

It's going to be a 25-minute walk back to where my car is at the park.

And then

12 minutes into my walk can i guess go on you need to we no and there's no key no shit your pants because of all the weird food you've been eating the road workers have closed the path where i'm going to walk back to my car at exactly the halfway point

Could they have been the same road workers where a spaniel nearly jumped in front of them?

Could be the same road workers I've been carrying bacon now.

Who knows?

Who knows?

I didn't have to double back on my thing.

And then I do something which I've not done for a while.

I just went to the pub on my own.

Oh, amazing.

I went to the pub on my own.

And as you know, I don't drink.

I had two pints of non-alcoholic Guinness.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And just sat there and enjoyed myself.

And then got back on my merry way.

Got my car, came home, had a shower.

And then went and did a fucking charity gig.

Wow.

You're a hero.

This day.

It's been so selfless the whole way through.

We've had so many different modes of you.

And now it's time to entertain.

Can I just ask the Guinness, do you listen to anything?

Are you on your phone?

Or are you just literally just sitting?

A raw dog, the Guinness.

Oh, so good.

Turn my phone over.

My phone's very low battery by this point, so I'm quite glad about that.

I turned my phone over, and I just sat in the garden on my own, nobody else there.

And I don't know, I mean, I don't drink, and the zero Guinness is actually the best drink you can have as a non-drinker, because no one will ever ask you what you're drinking.

Yeah, that's true.

They just assume you have a Guinness and you'd have to get into a conversation about how I find talking about not drinking quite boring to people who fucking love to drink.

Sure.

In drink, they're the worst people to talk about not drinking.

People who enjoy drinking, who've had a drink.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So a pub is a great choice of place.

Yeah.

So I go and get my car, come home, quick shower.

By this time, I'm still wearing the day nightwear.

Wow.

But luckily, I know what I've got to put on.

I've got my Sia Sucker blue shirt and the sort of canvasy blue pants and white pumps that I decided to wear for this gig.

Great.

I look at my watch and I'm really stuck for time to get to the gig and to park up.

I then make a selfish, selfish decision to get an Uber.

That's fine.

I think it's fine.

Not only do I get an Uber, lads, I've got to tell you this.

I exec it.

Quicker.

Quicker, cleaner.

Feel like a rock star.

Is there a bottle of water in the back?

Yeah.

I've only ever ordered the cheapest possible one.

Is there any difference?

Nicer car.

Just a nicer car, a bit more leg.

Is it though?

Is it?

Yeah.

It's not just a Prius.

No, no, it was a Mercedes-E-Class that picked me up.

It was like a chauffeur one.

So you have a driver.

By the end of the day, you have a driver.

I've achieved.

You've done it.

Well, I've also got a driver because I'm on tour currently at the moment.

And my driver...

on the tour, the tour manager, Sam, who I think you might know, David, Sam, who used to work at Little Wonder.

Right, yeah.

Sam is my tour manager.

So he was also tour managing this gig for us, this charity gig that we put on last night, Manchester's Frog and Bucket.

What's the charity?

It's for an accountant, a financial services firm's foundation.

So their own in-house foundation.

They do a lot of stuff for period poverty and for children poverty and that sort of thing.

It's really the company pay all the costs for everything.

And whatever they take, they give to the foundation.

It's a really kind of cute, nice way of doing it.

You've got to do that gig.

What's more, you got to do well at that gig as well.

Got to do well at that gig.

So, can you imagine how I'm hosting this gig?

Okay,

so I'm quite fraught.

The lineup's nice.

It's Danny McLaughlin, right?

There's a younger comedian called Faisan Shah, who's up and coming, but he's got some really good stuff, really good stuff.

He's got a lovely bit.

He grew up in West Bengal or somewhere like that, and it was getting a bit ropey where he lived.

So, his family moved to Burnley.

And he said, My life has been the exact opposite of the fresh prints.

great life.

He had a chauffeur.

He had a chauffeur.

And it's more of this life, pickle-hlouse.

And then closing the show with Steve Royal.

Fantastic.

So it was a great show.

I knew it was going to be good.

I'm getting there.

And this is like, the show starts at eight o'clock.

And if you're on tour, David, and the show starts at eight o'clock, you're probably getting to the venue half past six-ish, probably.

Yeah, I got a little stupid plastic keyboard I have to plug in.

So, yeah.

At my tour, I have a screen behind me with different things on.

So you get in there nice and early.

Sam and I arrange to have a little bit of dinner, perhaps.

So, at quarter to eight, he's texting me, Where are you, mate?

I just sent him a picture of where I was on the A6 coming through Long Sight.

And I went, Oh, by the way, Danny, who's the first act on, he sat in his car outside the club because he's waiting till the traffic wardens are finished before he comes in.

And he just replied, He goes,

Fucking hell, I can tell we're back in the clubs.

Comedians just turn up a minute before they're on stage, and it's fine, isn't it?

Yeah,

it's fine.

We're not in Kansas.

Yeah, fair enough.

We did the gig, the gig was absolutely fine.

And I'd absolutely smashed my macros for the day.

I'd had all the requisite, even with the Guinness in there.

I'd used my extra calories on there, but I'd not gone into the carb overload or anything.

I'm really good there.

I'm thinking this is good.

I've had a good day.

I've been hectic.

I've been busy.

It's all worked out.

It's all worked out in the end.

We found the key.

We're all good.

Everything's fine.

There's enough bacon for tomorrow.

Yeah.

And I arrive, and Sam has got some bits for the green room.

And he's got cannoli.

Oh, yeah.

And he's bought vegan cannoli because he knows I'm a vegan.

Oh, wow.

Did I have one?

Oh, no.

You had 300 meters of cannoli.

I had two.

I had two cannolis.

That's okay.

What has that done to your macros?

I didn't put them in, so it doesn't matter.

Oh, you didn't put them in.

Go, don't tell anyone.

Rob Beckett has a watch that would be like, what the fuck is going on here?

I sense something is happening here.

Who would have a thing on the basically he's got Mr.

Motivator, his mum and a psychologist on his wrist at all times, doesn't he?

That whoop thing.

Now listen to that episode, just going, go to bed, wake up, do this, go out like that.

You don't need that.

Look at how complicated my life.

Could you imagine my fucking whoop used today who sent your dogs just jumped out of your 1970 rickety fucking bag?

You seem to be spiking insulin for some reason at this moment.

Get yourself a cannoli.

Max is going to hate this, but this has never happened before.

And I didn't tell you, Max, because I knew it would make you furious.

But Mr.

Woop contacted me after we put out that episode.

I think Mr.

Woop contacted me too.

He said, do you want one?

Did you say yes?

I said, absolutely not.

Me too.

I said in a very polite way.

I said something about, oh, no, we don't take money from or things.

But what I actually meant was, I've heard about this product from a podcast and I do not need it in my life.

Can I just say, I'd happily take the money from Woop if they want to sponsor the podcast, but it'll be me and David going, whatever you fucking do, this sounds like really a terrible idea.

But this podcast is brought to you by Woop.

A terrible idea.

Steve Royal gave me a lift home, which was nice.

I had a little chit-chat with him, came home, shower.

You must be exhausted.

I was up again at 6 a.m.

Wow.

Yeah.

We don't mind when you get up, but you shower, you're straight to bed, like eyes closed, bang.

Like, this is the most exhausting day I think we've had so far.

I can't think of a more exhausting day.

Yeah, I was tired.

I was tired.

I listened to a podcast and I just went to sleep.

What podcast?

We got to ask that question.

It's not my choice.

The rest is politics.

Oh, yeah.

Not the rest is politics.

No, not the rest is politics.

The news agents.

Oh, I see.

I think they don't mind if you get them muddled up.

I think they're really cool.

I quite like listening to it, but the music is kind of like,

fucking world is fucking going mad.

Now India and Pakistan are at war.

And it gets me to sleep.

I think my life has been stressful, but it's not as stressful as the world.

That is probably true.

In comparison, just having a dog jump out of a car isn't really Third World War, is it?

No, you're probably right.

The dog is fine, by the way.

And I love the dog very much.

And it was the worst thing that happened to me is today.

And I'll never do it again.

The dog's fine.

Great.

Did we get an update on the Sky?

Did Sky bring her back?

I got to tell you, this was kind of a very disappointing thing for me because I felt really annoyed that I'd spent an hour and a half of my time doing this.

that I felt like, you know, I normally sort these things out for them.

And my father-in-law texted me last night to go, hi, just to let you know, sky all back on.

It was a bit of a slog, but Grace managed to do it for us.

And Grace is my 21-year-old niece.

Well done, Grace.

Who can't even tie her own shoelaces sometimes?

She's still a child.

Why is she sorting these things out?

Now, do you think that was just them informing you, or is that a bit of a,

you didn't do your job?

We had to get Grace in.

No, I think they were just informing me.

Grace is a good girl.

And do we know what the problem was?

Somehow, the

2.5 G HZ and the 5G HZ had been turned off and on.

I don't know.

And you know what?

More than I don't know, Max.

I don't care.

No,

I don't care.

I don't think anyone listening cares either.

But, you know, it's important to dot the I's and cross the T's here.

I just,

like, sometimes, say, you're waiting for a chicken to cook, not you.

You're waiting for a polystyrene chicken or whatever you eat.

And you're like, this is a waste of an hour and 15 minutes.

minutes but it's not really you're making food that's a thing but on the phone to someone who is there's a lot of hold music a lot it's just you see your the coffin of your own death just slowly moving towards you in the distance i just can't believe i'm going to tell you this i've missed out a very fundamental part of my day yesterday okay

as you said at the start all you have to do is remember where i am yesterday but you know

so there was another hour and a half on the phone yesterday

i'm gonna find out what time it was when i ran them and what time i actually came off he was talking to donald trump for an hour and a half and somehow he forgot it it was this one ah this one get him on the line whoever 50 minutes on this

50 minutes on this call

about an accident i'd had that wasn't your fault this was to an insurance company is this why you were in a hire car I was in my mini and I pulled onto the A6 and the 192 took the number plate off my mini.

It was so close.

I could have been dead.

Oh dear but it was the closest i've ever come to having a proper big old crash what a bus on a mini yeah i maintain i was behind the giveaway the bus maintains that i wasn't right and the bus just happens to have a camera i didn't have a camera my insurance company have given up even fighting it but if the bus has a camera surely that would tell us either way it's not worth it apparently it's not worth the cost of actually looking at the camera to see who's at fault oh for goodness sake they don't care about you they don't give a shit none of these companies care about you i guess the guys and the var don't want to embarrass the ref yeah so they just choose to not look at the footage so i might have been slack i don't know it probably will work out it was my fault anyway but i didn't feel like it was my fault at the time and i was on this is the best bit of the whole story so essentially i'm coming off a side road onto a main road and a bus has come across me so in sort of insurance terms i'm always to blame that's going to be the case okay my number plates come off, it's going to cost a bit of money to get that put back on, but my excess is so high because insurance is ridiculous for comedians.

You remember right at the beginning of this conversation, I told you I shouldn't probably be driving.

Yeah, you've not done if the insurer is listening to this episode, you've not helped yourself.

No, I was actually on my way to Leeds to host the British Insurance Brokers Association.

You know what you do now?

Hopefully, the fee will cover the cost, right?

That's what you mean.

So, I've done a few gigs in this.

it's in the queen's hotel in leeds and the first corporate gig i did after lockdown was a socially distanced corporate gig i mean corporate gigs are hard anyway when there's three people on a large table of 10 and they're just crossing huge banks

i died so hard right it was so bad the gig it was so bad i can't remember who the company was because i've not worked for them again i died so bad it was in the very room where jimmy saville lay in state do you remember when jimmy saville died

It was in the very room where Jimmy Saville lay in state before we found out what he was.

And that gig was so bad that people are now saying that Jimmy Saville lying in state in that room wasn't the worst thing that's happened in that room.

Come on.

Hang on.

I need something here.

A registration, unless car registrations are a very different thing in the United Kingdom.

In Ireland, a car registration is maybe five mils.

Exactly.

So this is how close I was to death and destruction.

You have the nose of your car out.

And so the bus travels within five mils of the car.

But it's also, the registration place is mounted on a proud, I think it's proud of the bumper.

So it's kind of got a little bit.

Not by much.

I know.

I know.

You're right.

A bus driver, if you said to your average bus driver, whip off that.

Registration.

I would love to see you bet.

Okay, you bet.

How many people think Gary driving the 192 can take the front?

I have a

the best thing was, and I was quite grumpy about this because I was in a mood because I also had a little accident.

The bus stops, and people started getting off it.

And I went, don't you start rubbing your necks

because this is what will come next, isn't it?

You've caused whiplash for an entire busload of people.

Yeah, there were 250 people on that bus, all with whiplash now.

Well, you on that bus, get in touch with us.

Please don't say it just anymore.

People will be able to work a claim out by going, when was the British Insurance Brokers Association dinner?

So they've told you to F off and they're not going to bother doing anything.

So I've lost my no claims.

Ah shit.

Did it damage the bus as well?

I don't think so.

The bus had some marks on it, but it had bus marks.

You know, buses get marks all the time.

Yeah.

And all the buses in Manchester now are yellow, thanks Andy Burnham.

He's taken our buses over and taken them back into local government, which is great.

But when you're making everything yellow, it shows up little scuff marks more than they've ever been.

And that's how Justin became in favor of privatization of everything.

And joined

Reform Party.

Because they will make buses red again.

Well, look, I will make you this promise, Justin.

I will never get the 192.

Hey, Justin, thanks for coming on.

It was the one and most instant fill.

I don't know what you think, David.

There's so much in that day.

It feels like so long ago you were getting the bacon.

It was so long ago you were getting the bacon from Tesco's.

I don't think we've ever had someone with six different careers in the same day.

Thank you very much, Justin Warhouse.

I like today better than yesterday because I'm with you two.

Stop it.

Thanks, Justin.

I'll chat to you, I imagine, every Sunday for the rest of my life.

So, thanks, Justin.

See you soon.

Thanks, guys.

So, what a day.

Do you know, I know what I think, David?

Like, I think everyone we've had on is nice, right?

Like, I don't think we've had any.

And interestingly, my friend Dave, the osteopath, said to me today, you know, Joe Rogan started by being sort of normal.

And then he found out when he got really right-wing people on, his audience spiked.

So we can just get some racists on.

And we haven't gone down that path yet.

But in terms of the amount of selfless things one person has done in a day, Justin Morehouse is absolutely top of the tree, isn't it?

Yeah.

Even to do a gig, but a charity gig then as well.

He's obviously he's trying to be healthy.

Ticking time bomb, by the way, I don't think a doctor should be saying that.

It depends on your relationship with the doctor, I think.

Sometimes it's good to hear the real truth.

I think there's a better way of putting that though.

I like that he's trying to help the son.

I like that he's helping the in-laws.

He's helping the mom as well.

And this stuff is all is all tricky.

And at the same time, pouring weird gloop into himself to keep the whole engine running.

His day on a plate actually does rival James Buckley for.

Do you know what?

I actually think I would prefer James Buckley's day.

Like in terms of pleasure, I would get.

Which was two pints of stellar at lunchtime and then a massive curry and chips for dinner.

I'd be like, this is not my normal day, but this one where you begin your consumption.

The irony is you've bought lots of delicious bacon that you, you know, that is going to be crispy and beautifully cooked, but you don't have that.

And then you have some plastic ham at like 11 a.m.

and you just shove it in your mouth because you just forgot to eat all day.

And some huge.

And I'm not really sure what hule is apart from high-performance types like have it in shot for everything they do.

Yes.

It's presumably a drink.

It Must be in a drink form or is it in a sort of yogurt form?

Is it high performance fuel shortened to Huel?

Maybe it is.

I don't know.

Human fuel.

Human fuel.

Which is the most depressing way to describe food, isn't it?

Let's face it.

The most depressing way to describe one of the greatest pleasures.

Human fuel.

Joyless, high-performance people are always like, eating takes up too much time.

If I could just have a simple pill once a day, that would do away with it.

And that's basically what this is just just yeah of course we we if this podcast is sponsored by huel and weep we are right behind them i think we should just say that for the record i don't know if this tactic of us being really really rude about brands no and then basically offering them however for this for some money we will stop dissing you it's quite unconventional from a podcast sponsorship point of view.

Yeah, I'm just thinking in the sense that whatever we've tried so far hasn't worked because as yet, you and I have yet to get the joyous moment to go, this podcast is brought to you by literally anything, nothing.

And I think it's doing quite well.

We keep getting told it's doing quite well, but as yet, no brand is going, we need to be associated with yesterday.

That's a problem, isn't it?

That's a problem.

We can't change the podcast, but no one goes, we want to be associated with yesterday.

It's not nostalgic enough for like the past.

And it's not, it's definitely not we're here for tomorrow because we only care about yesterday.

So maybe one of those ancestry type companies, you know, but I think they've gone out of business recently.

Oh, God.

No, no sponsor.

No sponsors.

That's okay.

If you'd like to get in touch with the podcast, here's how.

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And if if you didn't please don't

hey thanks david and thank you justin morehouse at the top when we do at one point i have a dream to do like you know like bar charts of all the guests and what they've done or what would be nice would be just like a you know like when they all got up and you know like a sort of moving you know like one of those moving bar chart type things you know in terms of sort of the nice axis selfless acts yeah

right at the top the selfless acts of justin morehouse that's what what today was.

Hey, thanks, David.

Let's all try and be a little more like Justin Morehouse, Max, but not from a dietary point of view.

Personally, exactly, yeah, not from a digging time bomb point of view.

Yeah, and not from like animals jumping out of moving vehicles point of view, or almost you know, or driving in front of buses point of view.

Apart from those things,

let's all try and live our lives like Justin Morehouse.

Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

Dog by the Bakery Door is a charming story of the magical things a little boy sees on a normal trip to get a coffee with his mum.

Perfect for newborns, three-year-olds, six-year-olds, all children.

Just Google Dog by the Bakery Door.

Here's a review from my three-year-old son.

Dog by the Bakery Door.

I have this book.

Full disclosure: the author might be his mother and my wife, but even more reason to buy it.

She is to live with us and a baby 24/7, has sacrificed her career for mine while also being an amazing mum to two boys.

Thank you, goodbye.