WDWDY #22: Cascade of Negligence

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds.

Visit progressive.com to see if you could save.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates.

Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

Attention, all small biz owners.

At the UPS store, you can count on us to handle your packages with care.

With our certified packing experts, your packages are properly packed and protected.

And with our pack and ship guarantee, when we pack it and ship it, we guarantee it.

Because your items arrive safe or you'll be reimbursed.

Visit the ups store.com/slash guarantee for full details.

Most locations are independently owned.

Product services, pricing, and hours of operation may vary.

See Center for Details.

The UPS store.

Be unstoppable.

Come into your local store today.

At blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments, it's about you, your style, your space, your way.

Whether you DIY or want the pros to handle it all, you'll have the confidence of knowing it's done right.

From free expert design help to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, everything we do is made to fit your life and your windows.

Because at blinds.com, the only thing we treat better than windows is you.

Visit blinds.com now for up to 50% off with minimum purchase plus a professional measure at no cost.

Rules and restrictions apply.

Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life.

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton.

And I'm David O'Daherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello, welcome to episode something.

Bonus episode 22, it says here.

Wow, what did you do yesterday?

Midweek mayhem.

I'm Max Rushton.

David O'Doherty is sitting opposite me.

Welcome.

It's a wonderful start.

We don't bring it out often, but I just thought.

I don't know.

It's a since the demise of the cheese game, much missed cheese game.

And then this week also the demise of Mushroom Sprit spritzpot as well which and it was an emotional moment when mushroom spritzpot which has been reminding me to squish water at the bag of mushrooms and shit that i got for the helicopter for her birthday officially ceased and said goodbye signing off with the uh saluting emoji yeah godspeed said mushroom spritzpot i was actually gonna i was gonna put that right at the end and hope that producer miles ball put abide with me at the end as we as we stood in silence to commemorate mushroom interestingly and as you say we don't often go bejooing we're probably the podcast that has bejoing the least um there was one excellent piece of feedback uh from the matthew crosby episode david where i was i was talking about rather than you and the comedian wanging on about their craft i was talking about my craft and how you know once i've once you know if i've done a good line and it's in rehearsal it's gone forever this is jim hearson send me this and below it is a tweet that I sent saying five years ago today, Trevor Nelson, and me handing him a microwave.

Yeah.

The fact, the fact that I repeat every single joke.

Hammer it to death.

And yet, in that moment with Matthew Crosby, I was being genuine.

That like once a moment has gone.

But it turns out that I basically have three anecdotes.

and I repeat them.

So I've been busted.

My colleague, if I could just say, early doors you said you were about to tell us your escalator anecdote but you've never actually said that one so you do you're always holding one back people listeners you'll know this podcast has run out of legs if max begins the escalator anecdote oh it's quite a good one anyway just some feedback um adam buxton feedback uh this is great from tom who says hi both i haven't listened to every single episode apologies, so not sure if this has happened before, but I just listened to the Adam Buxton episode and it has stirred me to write in.

I actually saw Adam and his sons sprinting past me at Waterloo to catch their drunk Australian performance.

As a longtime fan of Adam, I was genuinely interested to know where he was going and why he was running so fast.

So getting the details on the pod was genuinely thrilling and enlightening.

Isn't that a great moment?

Imagine thinking, ah, I will never know where Adam Buxton and his two sons are running.

And then just to chance upon the only podcast where that could ever possibly come out.

So good.

If you have ever seen a guest on What You Do Yesterday doing what they did yesterday, please let us know.

And you're in line for, well, the, was it a Ford Fiesta full of cheese before?

Or was it inside Microsoft?

If you have a good story about a guest doing the thing they actually did yesterday, you're in line for a um

a daihatsu charade full of my old clothes i'm glad you said old clothes rather than what the bathers fell off last week

sam says hi chaps i thought i'd drop you a quick note to let you know the slightly unsettling impact of curdle who wants to breathe etc on my day-to-day existence whenever i hear about anything being normal, I appear to have developed some

Pavlovian response.

Even yesterday, I was listening to a podcast where someone mentioned a teapot.

I asked if it was a particular teapot.

He said it was just a normal teapot.

Before I knew

what was happening, I had proclaimed

they're just normal teapots at the top of my voice, much to the confusion of my children in the next room.

Hopefully, it's reassuring for you to know your podcast is having this kind of impact, not to love Sam.

Oh, so funny.

Adam says, hi team yesterday.

Re-Matthew Crosby episode.

For Max to say he's such a people pleaser and could not give genuine feedback is very surprising considering the regular confrontations he has when making his normal coffee order.

Yeah.

Now we get the revelation that Max hates his kids.

The mask has slip-rushed you, monster, says Adam.

Now, what was also raised in some feedback to me, Re, your three-quarter flat-white, extra hot.

Is that what it is?

Is that what the order is?

People aren't having a go, Max.

But if your coffee is three-quarter flat-white, double-shot extra hot, is that what it is?

No, it's just strong three-quarters.

And they give you a full one, you could just leave a quarter in the bottom of it.

No, no, no, no, no, that is not true because

then your coffee to milk is, it's not the amount of liquid.

I need that coffee-to-milk to milk ratio Do you see what I mean?

Leaving a quarter of it That's a bit like someone saying I'll just pour a quarter of it away The coffee is too weak.

I need it to be strong.

But here is the thing.

Here's something that is funny is this morning it didn't happen yesterday.

So my apologies.

Yeah.

But hello to Emily who

was working at a cafe that I go to nearby and her partner Paul who both really like the podcast.

Anyway, we were having a long chat about the podcast about she's Irish and living in Australia and all that blah blah blah.

And then she said, what would you like?

And I said, can I have a strong quarter flat white, please?

And she looked at me and went, I better make sure it's three-quarters.

I felt like Larry David.

I was like, Oh no,

the important point, I don't really ever complain about it.

I'm just sad in my own mind when it's not right.

Well, it's nice that you at that moment because yesterday on my cycle in the Phoenix Park, a man cycled past me and shouted, Bath of Come at me.

So we're getting different sorts of feedback.

James says, on the subject of how to spell diarrhea.

Hi.

Currently a few weeks behind on your part, as I like to listen when running.

On my last run, I was listening to a midweek mayhem in which David explained his struggle to spell the traditional word for runny bum.

He says, for some reason, one teacher taught our class a mnemonic to help remember how to spell diarrhea.

So here it is.

Yeah.

Dashing in a rush, running hard or else accident

shall repeat it

what lesson is this dashing in a rush running hard or else accident

it's more complex than it needs to be because americans insist on dropping the o which stops the mnemonic working The phrase is so stuck in my head that as David explained his struggles, I was internally reciting the mnemonic and wondering how commonly it was known.

The only problem was, as I ran around a lovely quiet path by a lake with my headphones in, I hadn't realized my recital was actually not as internal as I believed.

A couple of concerned people asked if I was okay.

As it turns out, I'd been running while chanting, dashing in a rush, running hard or else accident.

So I'd like to thank David for turning me into some sort of forest gump with a bad stomach.

Very much enjoying the pod from James.

That is...

Wow.

Yeah, that will stay with me now as well.

The only, the only,

it's not even a

mom.

We finally found the word I I can't say.

They started singing

by the Muppets.

That's how they came up with that.

Mnemonic, mnemonic, is

so do you have Spanish, Max?

Poco.

Well, there was a

joke that we were told when I was about 10 that I don't really remember the setup of, but it's about an Englishman in Spain and his feet are cold.

And whatever way you set this up, he says S-O-C-K-S.

I see.

Which means, like, that is clear or whatever.

But in English, it sounds like socks.

So, clever.

Anyone listening could tell me what the first part of that joke is.

I will incorporate.

I'll close my forthcoming Edinburgh show with it.

During the soccer I'm glorious, I used to just in the summer just take a bag and go to South America.

So my Spanish got reasonable.

And I've forgotten it all now, but whenever I go on a taxi, I would just get in and I'd say estoy aquí ponegosios which means I'm here on business

I thought it made me feel I felt made me feel I mean had a massive rucksack and you know have Iana flip-flops on so I mean I obviously look like a massive twat but

Shannon says hey Max David and Mars bar I just wanted to say a quick thank you and maybe file a minor complaint I've been binging your episodes during my commutes the last few weeks and it's been a blast you've made the morning traffic tolerable which I didn't think was possible.

However, we need to talk about dancing in the moonlight.

I vaguely

remembered the song before, but thanks to your frequent references, it's now become the unofficial soundtrack of my life.

YouTube music won't stop recommending it.

Instagram reels are suddenly filled with it.

I half expect my toaster to play it next.

Anyway, thanks for the laughs, the borderline psychic influence over my music apps, and for making my commutes way more enjoyable.

Moonlight Dancing Forever, apparently, Shannon in Canada.

It is my shame that we have brought that song back.

I am sorry.

Max, however, is absolutely delighted.

I think we could get them to

play live, to open our live show.

Imagine that.

I'd get the audience going.

Stop being a snob and just embrace it.

Let's learn it off.

You on the clarinet, me on tiny keyboards.

I think we could do that.

Imagine opening the show with that.

It'd be so good.

You sent me this.

It was a message

from Simon regards the cockroach on the ceiling.

Max going to desperate lengths to claim he's finally invited a guest on the podcast.

Really good.

Hey, I had an idea, David, on the subject of you not inviting Jermaine Clement from Flight of the Concords on What Did You Do Yesterday?

Yeah.

There can't be another podcast that has...

basically direct access to Jermaine Clement and Jermaine Pennant

and the former Liverpool and Arsenal right-winger.

I haven't thought of the idea yet, but surely, surely, we need to bring Clement and Pennant.

Do you think if we said, I think mine's an easier get than yours, personally, but I, you're much closer to Jermaine Clement than I am to Jermaine Pennant.

I've done like one radio show with him.

But if you dangled the Jermaine Pennant carrot to Jermaine Clement, do you think we'd have a better chance?

This the glory years of soccer AM have broken your brain where you think this is what passes for entertainment.

What have I told you that Jermaine Clement is a qualified locksmith?

Now look at your face.

Suddenly, we do not need him on the show.

No way.

Alice says, on the subject of lab coats.

So hi, David Max and producer Milsbaum.

I was listening to the Esther Menito episode, what did you do yesterday, of course, when you were discussing the two phrases of eating an ice pop.

You called out for listeners who were wearing white lab coats to email in.

I was, in fact, at that moment, wearing a white lab coat whilst doing tissue culture, as I often listen to your podcast while doing experiments for my PhD in cell biology.

This is yet another example of what did you do yesterday, serendipity, and maybe another example of what your listeners get up to whilst listening.

Thank you for making my repetitive pipetting much more entertaining.

P.S.

It's not my area, but I think Max is right about the ice pops.

I think you should concentrate more on the cell tissue cultures and not listen to this absolute rubbish.

Chris says, Max asks one of the classic questions of our time.

Can you imagine passing 20 plumstones, having spent some time thinking about it?

No, I can't imagine that.

I didn't pick you up on that.

So did you give us this...

How old is young Max at this time?

Maybe, I reckon four.

I can just about remember seeing them in the toilet.

I have no recollection of eating them, but like it's a so, you know, it's a well-known family story.

It's not told often, yeah.

In many ways, it should be told more often about the time I ate 20 plums because that's a lot of plums and a lot of plum stones.

And you know, at the time, I would have been, you know, I imagine I had quite a small,

small intestine, you know, like the tubes were smaller in those days.

But I know they must have lined up like um pool balls in one of those tables just before you put the coins in.

Wow, this is good.

Hang on.

This could be the new bajouring is Max's impersonation of old school.

It's a great noise.

It's a great noise, isn't it?

Yeah, it means fun is about to begin.

Totally right.

The delay while you're watching the previous idiots play their crap game while you're just waiting.

And then even the feeling as you put your hands into the darkened box at one end and you feel the balls as they arrive.

Love it.

Really good.

And then someone doesn't know how to set them up with the triangle.

Come on, it's the line a line a line of circle.

I've always set them up.

Someone once told me the number one ball, which is yellow, is baked harder to take more impact.

So I always

like a conquer, like a winning conquer.

I don't necessarily bother with the other numbers, numbers, but I'll always put onesie in there.

Yeah.

David says, hi, love the show, been listening from the start.

It never fails to make me feel better about my own life choices.

I believe you are now the National Archive for stories about throwing up or shitting yourself while traveling.

So I thought I'd share this.

Years ago, I had to go to Dublin for work, and a few hours into the morning, I started to feel really ill After spending a horrendous hour in the office toilet, emptying from both ends and knowing that I had a two-hour train journey to get home, I staggered out into Stephen's Green, looking for a chemist.

I found a tiny shop with a long queue and two angry Eastern European women serving.

When it was my turn, I said a bit sheepishly, do you have anything for diarrhea?

And the woman replied, What?

Speak up.

I did, and everyone around me then took two steps back.

She looked confused, spoke to her colleague in a language I didn't recognise, got an answer, then thrust some tablets at me.

I paid and left.

I was about 20 yards from the shop, wondering if I would make it back to the office when I heard a shout behind me.

I kept my head down and kept putting one foot in front of the other.

The shouting got louder, and then the woman from the shop suddenly appeared in front of me, looking even more angry and flustered.

Show me, she yelled.

I looked confused.

Show me, box.

I showed her.

She grabbed the tablets off me, gave me a different pack, and said, Sorry, I mistake.

They were what is word, laxative.

I realized later that it was, of course, my fault, as I hadn't specified whether I wanted to stop the diary or increase it.

Keep up the great work.

David, thank you, David.

Well, the first box was the Amajalili tea.

And he was munching his way through a dry bag when she intercepted him.

Now,

for the tape, it's worth saying that before we come on air, David and I ask producer Mars Barr every week.

One of us asks, is the podcast still good?

To which Mars Barr says something like, it's kind of plateauing, but it's increasing in tiny increments, which is very good for a podcast podcast of this level.

It's sort of, it's not like glowing praise, but, you know, he's happy to have us for the ride is what I would say.

Yeah, because he knows the top level.

You know what I mean?

And so when he refers to it of this level,

it's kind of like a little pat on the head.

You guys are the

heart and soul of podcasting is what you are.

Don't mind Rory Stewart and Alistair Campbell.

Don't mind them.

He makes it sound a little bit like he's doing us a favor.

like, but he does always give us something positive to say before we record, and we're happy about that.

Now, he chanced upon a very interesting stat.

I'm going to bring him in.

Hello, Marspa.

Good morning.

Hello.

Can I just quickly say, at no point have I or will I ever call this podcast the heart and soul of podcasting?

I mean, if we're honest, it's other parts of the body, isn't it?

Our podcasting.

If we've been really

Chesham United, we're in the sixth tier, but we get over 800 people at some of the home matches.

Now, Marsby, you came up with an interesting statistic, didn't you, for the podcast?

Yes.

So while I was looking at the download stats and the sort of week-on-week, month-on-month growth, I came across quite a fun stat, which is

since the first, very first episode of this, there are six countries in the world.

I think, I believe, Max, you're probably more qualified.

There are 195 countries, I think, in the world.

Oh, no.

Give or take.

You're coming to me as the brains of this outfit.

David, you should never feel more insulted in your whole life, David, than that precise moment.

To just normal countries.

David would pick a number with conviction, and we would both agree with it and be proved wrong afterwards.

There's loads.

There's loads of countries, that's for sure.

There's loads.

There's approximately 200 countries.

And I think looking at the geolocations and our very detailed analytics, 95 of those countries have listened to our podcast.

It's great to hear.

And of those 95, there are six countries where we have had one single listen.

Not one listener.

One single listen across the entire catalogue.

It's like the king of that country has listened once and said, this is not for my people.

So this is a bit like pointless, isn't it?

We're looking for it.

It's sort of like pointless in it, but it's called one.

Yeah.

It's like.

So it's not Scott-based Antarctica, you know what I mean?

Where we're probably a big fat zero.

It's just, it's one layer above that then.

Yeah.

So as you said, Marsba, they're just normal countries.

They're just normal countries and they are all gettable.

It's not sort of a weird island outlier in French Polynesia somewhere.

Like these are all known countries.

So no, we could do it.

I'm thinking out loud here.

Yeah.

We could do it like curdle.

David, you could tell, give David all of them, and then the listeners could guess, and I would just guess, I would find out when the listeners find out.

Right.

David has the list.

I'm just thinking that could be a way to do it because we like a half-time quiz.

People

really know that's what this podcast is about.

A little half-time quiz.

They're just normal countries.

You can think of the pun for what this game should be called.

And then, of course, we need something to get us through until Boxing Day 2025.

And of course, we bring back the cheese board.

The most overthought about cheese board that has ever existed.

Yes.

Or should we both have a guess now to just get the ball rolling?

What do you think?

Are you asking me or David?

Yeah, I'm asking Morris Barr.

He knows how this game is.

If both of you plus a listener are playing just by the sheer number of guesses each week, that game's going to end very quickly if people are.

Yeah, no, no.

We're not going to have a guess every week.

I was just thinking to kick it off and then it's over to the audience.

Perhaps thinking on my feet as well, a different format.

For this one, you're against each other, but going forward, it's Max and David versus the listener.

Wow.

Okay, okay.

Do you want to go first, David?

Yes, I would like to go first.

And my guess for they're just normal countries where there's been one single listen to what did you do yesterday is Madagascar.

Do you know the episode they listened to, or do you just get one listen?

Oh, come on.

I'm just interested.

Okay.

I can probably find that out for next week.

I like the details.

Because then we could tell the guest to say, did you know you've ruined this podcast?

Ahmed, you've ruined the podcast in Namibia.

My guess is Namibia.

Do you know what?

Do you know what, though?

It is fun, isn't it?

So

what did you do yesterday, pod at gmail.com?

Do you want these to be five-star reviews, Michael, or are we not being that desperate anymore?

I think we're past that now.

We're past that.

Okay, we're past that.

So that's the new game.

What are the six countries?

And if you can think of a good name for the quiz as well, that would be very, very useful.

But I'm on board.

One listen.

What happened?

Hang on.

It's one listen as of now.

What happens, Marsbar, if in the you know, in the subsequent weeks, someone goes, actually, that was pretty good.

And they listen again?

Because that country is then demoted from the one listened league.

Well, I guess that's up for discussion.

Can the quiz be ruined by

the person in such a country?

I think they're the six as is as of the 22nd of May 2025.

But you will have to let us know if it's gone up to two listens in that country.

If the listening figures double,

you know, in, I can't say another country because I don't want to have another guess.

But there we go.

Okay, this is very exciting.

Well, okay, Max, it will be a kick in the teeth if it turns out one of the countries is Ireland and only one person has ever.

And then they just communicated to the nation.

Just don't bother.

Okay, do you want my yesterday?

Yep.

Max Rushton, what did you do yesterday?

Okay,

at five o'clock.

In the morning,

Ian, it had not been a good night.

I know you don't care about that, but it had not been good.

Ian Rushton wakes up.

got a bit of a sniffle.

Well, I know.

And I hate to take this show into

the toilet area,

but maybe that ship has sailed.

But if you remember on the last mayhem, David, I suggested that I would

count the number of farts that I did.

Yeah, I do remember this.

Did you have a clicker in your hand the whole time, like bouncers in a rural nightclub?

no more allowed i didn't i didn't and i don't know if you want me to do the day and then just let you know or just keep you on keep you the count going as the day goes on but anyway i left him in bed when he was he was sort of crying and i was like i woke up and i really needed a wee and i was like i've got to get into bed with him and it could be an hour so i'm going to go for a quick wee and at that moment i did a little trump and so that the clicker went to one and then i i went i went and got into bed with ian until 5.50.

So he went down for another good hour.

And I think I drifted off a bit and I woke up.

And as you know, if I sleep in that bed, my knee is

pretty fucked.

And it's pretty from football last week.

Still a bit, still a bit achy.

Interruption.

We've had, so all we've had football.

I just want to keep up with the Melbourne Bohemian.

How much is going on?

Yeah, yeah.

Week one,

we won 5-3.

Correct.

Week two,

in an incredible display of chivalry.

You took Mrs.

Rushton for lunch.

But we lost 4-0.

Team got absolutely stuffed.

This game, I'm looking forward to because our Belgian crack striker who tweaked a Hammy is probably back.

Well, then the week before,

which we didn't cover on the podcast, we won 2-0.

And then this week we're away on Friday night at Westside Strikers.

Yeah, I know.

Tough place to go.

And to cut a long story short, we lost 3-2.

I would love to see you go up to Westside Strikers and try and get something.

I would love to see it.

Quite good, young side.

And I played like the first half hour in Senegal.

I came on about 20 minutes to go up front.

I think I got a migraine.

I couldn't really see.

And my eyes were getting a bit blurry.

The disappointing thing is, none of my teammates noticed any discernible quality diminishing in my performance.

So anyway, I'm in Beverley until 5.50.

Then I squeeze out of that bed and I get back into the big bed.

Sadly, Willie wakes at six.

Great.

Jamie and I are laughing about basically how exhausted we are, but it's very high spirits.

And that's important to point out now that we have decided, this is day two

of

serious potty training for Ian Rushton.

Oh, great.

Okay.

So it's rip the band-aid off and you just get the potty out and you make them sit on it and you hope they do a wee or a poo, and then you get on with your day.

And what you realize is, it's for three years, you have been living in a life of luxury where they are wearing something that just catches all of this stuff.

You don't have to worry about it, and now it's on you.

Yeah, so hang on, does he walk around with no trousers to number one?

Sometimes he's on, yeah.

Sometimes he's got undies, sometimes he's just nappy-free, fancy-free, yeah, walking around.

It's all out.

Okay, now we are discussing who is more likely to get him to sit on the potty to do a number two.

And it's decided that Jamie will be better.

He prefers her.

That's

surprising though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It does surprise me, doesn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, Jamie says, and a great quote, because she says, this is part of what she says, the cascade of negligence.

Which basically means she has to do all the hard things.

And, you know, I'm just there.

And actually, I'm not even, she's also fun mum.

I'm not even fun dad.

Like he quite often just doesn't want me around.

Oh, Max.

But that's okay.

So we decide that she'll get up.

I will look after Willie.

And she'll get up with Ian and get him on the potty and try and get him to do a poo.

And actually, there's a synergy here because I'm counting my, I'm wondering if counting my parts will

change.

I'm trying to just be myself, right?

I'm not trying to sort of like keep them in to appear like a less disgusting human being as the day progresses.

On that note, I have what I normally have for my Weetabix and flax seed.

Yep.

You know, and I flax it up as I always do because I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to hide anything here.

Nope.

At 7.10, there's some parents in here.

Ian sits on the potty a couple of times.

He won't do his number two.

And he always does one in the morning.

So we're a bit worried about this, but you know, what are we going to do?

10 past seven.

It is freezing cold now in the mornings.

I am

six, put on a hat, glove, and scarf.

I am.

Yeah.

I'm doing a pram walk at 7:10 in the morning, and it is, you know, you can see the air as I breathe in.

Whoa, it's like a Shackleton.

You're to knock the icicles off the pram before you can get it out.

Captain Oates, I may be some time.

I left the pram in the doorway, and I sprinted to the airport on my own.

So I

interruption.

You know,

I do love a good Antarctic exploration tale.

And on

one of the Shackleton, I don't think it's the famous Endurance one.

I think it's the previous one.

Someone was taking a pee close to the mast of the ship into something, and their peen happened to touch the metal mast and it

stuck to it.

And the crew had to.

No, he had to stay there until they sailed to sunnier climes seven weeks later.

And then it thawed as they reached the Tropic of Capricorn.

That is brutal.

That is really brutal, isn't it?

All I'm saying is: if

Ian Russian's learning to be potty trained, just make sure you don't give him a cast iron potty and leave it out all night because that guy is going to be wearing a nappy for the rest of his life.

Yes, that sort of trauma.

People were always learning on this podcast, aren't they?

I call my parents, they're doing pretty well.

Nice Nice chat with them.

Great.

And I get to a cafe and Ian is asleep.

I have a black coffee and it's really, really good.

Yeah.

So then I walk home and I listen to a preview of the Europa League final.

So the Europa League final happened on my today, on your yesterday.

Yeah.

So we can't, we don't want to give spoilers on the results.

Yes.

So we won't.

But I listened to a preview of that game and it makes me even more terrified that Tottenham will obviously lose.

Get home.

8.19 a.m.

Farts five.

You said that like it was a football score.

James Alexander Gordon.

Exactly.

Farts five.

Hey, United, two.

Ian's shit.

Ian's shits.

Nil.

The fifth fart is probably the most interesting of the day because it was quite loud and it was an earshot of the mechanic who works at the end of the street.

And it did look up from the very old car that he has been tinkering with for three years now.

So we're all home and at

8.30, Sophie Ian's babysitter arrives and she's lovely.

We love her.

We love Sophie.

At 8.45, I have one bike.

I haven't mentioned it.

I have one bike.

And I am cycling to South Melbourne.

To do the podcast, to do the

cycling to something to do a podcast, but not the podcast.

I'm a guest on a podcast.

Oh, wow.

Anyway, so I listen to the preview, the rest of the preview, and then I go just to stay on brand.

Not that I was thinking about today, I just wanted to listen to the best album in the world ever,

which is like a Brit Pop album from

probably 96 that has

the Smashing Pumpkins and James and Last Tristessa by the Manic Street Preachers.

I'm really enjoying this.

I'd say it has, there's no other way.

There's no other way.

I think it has Girls and Boys by Blur.

Goddess.

Okay, yeah.

But I might be wrong on that.

It might be there some other way.

I love them both.

Does it have a sway?

I think it's Animal Nitrate.

Yeah, I think it's Animal Nitrate.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm familiar with this album.

Great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a good album.

It's a good album.

The podcast I'm doing is called The Circus, and it's hosted by Sam Perry and Ian Higgins.

And they host The Grade Cricketer, which is a brilliant cricket podcast.

They're two Aussie guys.

They've become absolutely massive in India.

They are really, really nice guys, and I'm a big fan of both of them.

And we get there, and I say, Come on, let's get a coffee.

So we walk to the nearest cafe.

I ask for a strong three-quarter flat white.

I get a strong three-quarter flat white.

It's great.

So, but hang on, the podcast you're about to go on is called The Circus.

So they're just doing a new one that isn't about cricket, it's about other sports.

And just people, the last person they had on was Anthony Albanese, the Prime Minister of Australia.

So I feel this is a bit of a step down.

Anyway, anyway, I do that podcast, and it's sort of a bit about my, the life and times of me, but we don't get into, you know, big things like the six-pound peach or the escalator anecdote, the stuff that I save for this podcast.

But yeah, it's a very interesting conversation about, you know, football and in Australia and living in Australia and, you know, stuff that has happened in my life.

Good.

Probably isn't that interesting, but it's a nice chat and they're very good.

Because at the start, I did worry it was

in your attempt to branch out, it was an actual circus podcast.

And they're going to ask you about trapeze, the role of do we miss lions now that you're not allowed to just carry them from town to town?

How do they get that elephant to stand on one leg?

On the way there, I do have a bike incident, which is someone opens a backseat, back door of their car, almost into me and almost knocks me into a truck.

And I go, whoa, I'm carrying cycling.

That's sort of what you do, isn't it?

And you think, oh, I just need to, you always need to stay focused.

I mean, like Adam Buxton, I am listening to something.

Sorry, Jamie, because she tells me not to, and I tell her I don't, and I do sometimes.

And,

but I don't believe I deserve to die.

Like, in the, yeah, agreed.

In Australia, is the bike lane...

Because

what

legal bike lanes, they're really good.

They're really good.

I know, but are they just two painted lines basically in the lee of any door that happens to open?

Or are they dedicated lanes like they have in the Netherlands?

Where in the Netherlands,

they don't even bother wearing helmets because why would they?

Because you're never going to meet a car.

There's not going to be an accident, you know.

And I think that's interesting stats about because helmets are, it's illegal to cycle without a helmet in Australia.

To the nanny state like that, but good, good, it's a good thing.

Sure.

So I do that podcast.

I cycle home.

It's very uneventful.

As I arrive at two minutes, at one minute to midday, it is is the end of Sophie looking after Ian.

She's actually now walking Willie, who needs another pram walk because he's just nearly asleep.

So I just literally throw the bike in the front garden, grab hold of the pram.

I'm on another walk.

Jamie hands me half a sausage roll and says, there you are.

And I'm delighted about that.

So I eat that as I walk Willie around for, I don't know, 40 minutes, maybe.

Yeah.

Get home.

I have.

scrambled jamie makes me scrambled eggs with avocado tomatoes and i've recently bought a jar of chili jam from a very expensive organic deli, and it really is a game changer.

It really elevates your classic egg lunch.

So I'm delighted with that.

Has it warmed up at all?

Or are we still, please tell me it's still the tundra.

It's the icy tundra.

No, this is the big fingers.

You have to be prepared.

So I did cycle on the way in shorts, and that was a bit chilly, but on the way home, absolutely necessary.

And by the way, by the time I'm home, Anorak's off,

the jumper's off.

And the good thing about having a kid's seat is you can put everything in a bag and strap it to that.

Right.

So you don't have to wear a backpack, which is nice.

1.08 p.m., fart 6.

1.09 p.m., fart 7.

By 2.13 p.m., 10.

Farts.

By 2.50, 11.

But do you know what?

I'm thinking 11.

I thought I'd be in the 50s by now.

Like, I'm really surprised how sort of abstemious that I'm being.

Just a small point here.

When the helicopter is not around, sometimes I think to myself, when she's not around, I don't fire it at all.

But I think I just don't acknowledge that I am just constantly blasting them out.

But I'm really acknowledging it.

I'm taking notes.

This is full acknowledgement.

I hear it.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Your little pocketbook in your breast pocket every time taking it out.

Look at that learned gentleman.

I wonder what he's noting down.

Ideas for life, observations, witty thoughts.

What are they?

Okay, so now Jamie takes Willie and I take Ian.

So

he's done a, I think he's done a wee in the potty.

Great.

But

not for a while.

And he doesn't need one in the house.

Question.

Does he get a prize?

Are you using cars?

We are using what he calls a deprize.

Yeah.

Do I get a deprize?

You get a deprize.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're big on incentives and it's, it really is good.

Yeah.

And he's got lots of stuff for his train set.

He's got a motorbike.

If you remember the motorbike that I wouldn't get him when I was teaching him the value of money, I got it for him for his first win, the party.

Felt like a hero.

Okay, so Jamie is desperate for me to take Ian so she can have a bit of quiet time.

We're going to go on the balance bike and cycle to the park.

Brilliant.

And then...

You on the scooter?

No, I think I put his helmet in the boot of the car and he burst into tears and he said it was

deeply upsetting and he wanted Mama to take him somewhere.

Oh, no.

Jamie is crestfallen.

And so Jamie's like, okay, I guess I'll do it.

And I'm like, no, no, it's okay.

I'll do it.

But once he said she'll do it, then it's very tricky.

But somehow we get to a stage where he's happy to go to Northcote Plaza with Dada.

And so, this is fun.

So we

put the balance bike in the back of the car.

We put the scooter that he bought me for my birthday in the back of the car.

We put the potty in a rucksack because we are, you know,

this is the biggest trip he's ever done while potty training.

It's exciting times.

So he's got no nappy.

He's in the Subaru.

Just in the Subaru.

Transert and at any time.

Great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's really exciting.

So I drive at 500 miles an hour because I don't want it to piss in the car.

I drive there.

And what's interesting is, you know, you sort of imagine he'd just be weeing all day, every day, but that's not actually not how the physiology of a three-year-old works.

So, he doesn't wee in the car, but I think, do you know what?

Let's get on the potty early, yeah, right, because we're gonna

be doing some fun things.

So, I take him to a very bleak parent-baby toilet in the Northcote Plaza, which I've described before.

Basically, it was built, I think, in about 1987 and has not been touched since.

It's an incredible place.

He sits on the potty for five minutes, nothing happens, and then he just presses the button to open the door, and then he runs away.

So it's fine.

So then we go and play on the bus outside Coles, which is just a sort of a wooden bus that he can sit in.

And then he wants me to sit in the back.

To sit in the back is possible, but even more uncomfortable than the bed that I have to sleep in when I'm with him.

So I wedge myself in this.

Is it a bus where you put like 50p in and it goes?

No.

There are the.

Oh, no, hang on yes it might be but he doesn't like it when you do the 50p makes noises and moves he doesn't want that yeah he's you know i've taught him the value of money that's what i've done so he doesn't like that

uh in fact there's a car before we get on the bus he sits on like a lamborghini type thing and that makes a noise so he immediately gets up we're in the bus and then he says i want to go on a real bus and i say we can't go on a real bus

i said there aren't any real buses and i said let's go why don't we go to the swings and he says i say okay so i take him around out of the plaza around the back sadly right in front of our our eyes is a real bus.

It's not what I needed at this time.

It's not what I needed this time.

He says, there's a real bus.

And I say, oh, we can't get that bus.

He's very upset about it.

Get the bus.

Guys, get the bus.

I say, we don't know where it's going.

We've got a car here.

We just can't get that bus.

It's got London, London, England written on the front of the bus.

Cliff Witchard's driving it.

Oh, God.

Anyway, so

we get the balance bike and the scooter out of the back of the car, Subaru and then we scoot to the first playground.

We get out.

He wants to go in the swing.

I push him in the swing.

He wants me to push the swing behind him.

He doesn't want me in front of him.

Sometimes I say, I do that.

I'm minding my own business game, or I say I'm minding my own business.

I copied it from Uncle Xavier, who's sort of very good at this.

And they just say, I'm just minding my own business.

And then he just almost kicks you as he's swinging up.

And he finds that very funny sometimes.

He didn't want to bar of this time.

He just wanted some straight, sort of raw dog swinging.

Push, no talking, just swinging.

Hang on, I need a clarification here.

You're in front.

So what are you pushing the soles of his feet then each time he goes back?

So, yeah, yeah.

So, so if you're, if you're at the front, you're pushing his feet, yeah, or you might just push like the bar of the swing because you're still in one that like requires like like it's a sort of, you know, he's he's tucked in there.

And then as the as the foot comes up, you go, whoa, and he's hilarious.

Surely he wouldn't enjoy it were you to not propel the swing because then it'll gradually just pendulum out of momentum yeah you sort of you sort of you know sometimes you push it sometimes you do I'm just minding my own business yeah but he did he said categorically I don't want you to mind your own business so he didn't want me to mind my own business so I push the swing for a bit that's fine then we get off the swing then we cycle scoot to the other playground but he hasn't been to it for a while he says you're right i've not been here for a while great and we get on another swing we do some more swinging he goes down the slide once then i think i i want to try the potty again because he's not been yeah in the park though can you just whip out a potty in the park just whip out a potty in the park yeah i think people just go fair enough you know we're all we're all just trying our best here yeah you know no one comes up and goes excuse me you know

um

and so he sits on that to make him sit on it i give him a chance to watch 10 minutes of a youtube show called just in time when the 10 minutes is up he hasn't done a we still

And I say, we've got to stop watching Justin Time.

And he is bereft with sensitive.

No.

Yeah.

And he he is, you know, sensitive guy, you know, he's had got a bit of a cold.

So we say, let's go home.

So then the tricky thing then is we've got to scoot, cycle back to the car.

And I actually can't carry him, the bike, and my scooter, and the potty.

So

he's like, will you carry me?

I'm like, we've got to go.

And I basically just have to scoot off and Hobie follows me.

And he's a bit sad, but he keeps cycling.

And we get to the car.

Wow.

It's a real time.

Pushing him out of the nest moment, Max.

It's you got, you You got to fly now.

You got to fly.

And he does.

You got to fly.

We get home.

I pass them over to Jamie to say, no wheeze.

Here's the potty.

I think Willie is sort of lying on the floor with like some toys above his head.

Just sort of batting them and hopefully not crying.

And then I sit down for half an hour and I do the script for Guardian Football Weekly.

I've done a bit in the morning.

I've done little bits.

There were some games in the morning that I watched the highlights of.

I forgot to mention that.

During that sort of hour in the morning.

Anyway, I get get that done and then

Willie needs another pram walk.

So I'm back out again, pounding the streets.

The weather's still nice.

I do three farts during the fart walk.

I'm up to 40.

Get home around five o'clock.

Willie wakes up as you get in the house.

Ian's in the bath.

I leave for the shed.

While we're doing the podcast, Jamie messages to say, this has been the worst two days since Willie was born.

Oh, no.

The hour and I'm in the shed is just a terrible hour.

As the pod finishes, I don't fart during the pod.

Yeah.

And that's sometimes I do.

I think I have, well, we've been recording now.

I don't think I've ever, oh, wow.

Listeners might like to go back and listen to the whole thing and guesstimate when they think he was doing it.

I don't think I've ever farted at a gig because you hear people in bands sometimes talk about, oh, the bass player keeps farting.

But yeah, I don't, I think for me, the stage is, well, because I am a sole trader, maybe the

time was you, wouldn't you?

Yeah, there isn't time.

Or if it was really, you know, you should have a little mic down there.

One by mouth and just one

down, just a little mic stand just for your bottom.

As the pod finishes, she arrives in the shed with Willie and says, I need you to get him to sleep.

And I say,

I take him to the bedroom.

Yeah, I take him to the bedroom and I rub his nose.

He likes you to put your nose on his nose and also rub his nose.

So that's the tactic.

You're sort of quite in his face there, but he seems to like it.

It's dark.

Anyways, not having too much luck.

Jamie comes in, feeds him to sleep.

Where is Ian now?

So he might be asleep, he's not well, so he's asleep.

That's early for him.

I don't think he may not have done a dump all day.

Is that possible?

No, he hasn't done one all day.

No, he didn't do one all day.

He kept it in.

He kept it in, I think.

Right.

So, you know, that was an issue.

We discussed that.

There is one glass of red wine left in the bottle.

I say to Jamie, would you like this glass of red wine?

She says, no, thanks.

I pour it.

It's like heaven.

It's like

these days are long, David.

And I don't drink a huge amount, but I was so pleased it's there Jamie has somehow in the day where she's had nothing she's had just so much pain to do has made a really beautiful leek and potato soup oh my goodness

and we've got a crusty loaf in the oven

it's great it's so good bit of pepper she pours a tiny bit of cream in a bit of olive oil on the top so happy the day is you know it's

quite often we don't have like an evening because like i'm recording this pod now at 20 past eight in the evening so this is where we'd be sat watching tv i don't want to make you feel guilty about the time

this is my you know the downtime you know

you just need that moment sometimes and i probably like two three days a week i have that most of the time i'm either doing radio or podcasts whatever we sit down we're watching only murders in the building have you watched this steve martin

oh i've heard of that yeah i know yeah yeah yeah i haven't watched it it's about a podcast i don't know if you've heard of them um

but we we sit down we turn it on we've got the soup and ian wakes up and oh shit

he's not well, he's sad.

I go and lie with him for a bit.

Then Jamie comes in because he's crying, and she doesn't, you know.

I can sort of channel that out somehow, but she can't.

She gets him to sleep.

Yeah, we watch a bit more murder, Sony Moses in the room, maybe a whole episode.

Ian wakes again.

This is about 7:40.

Oh, shit.

I'm pretty tired, so I just say, I'll just go to bed with him.

I'm fine.

I just get in the knee-bending tiny bed.

I'm in the knee-bending tiny bed from 7:45 until half past 10.

The fart count is 14.

I really like to apologise to the listeners for taking on this journey.

I have stopped counting because I just forgot.

So we'll have to do it again after all that.

Oh, my God.

What we were up at

14.

I think that's, no, I think that's like, honestly, I think that's the least I've done.

I think my body said something like, despite the fact that I think I'm actually deep down, a really good person, this podcast is exposed.

One of my friends, Ollie, messages me going, stop talking about coffee.

Seriously, as a friend, stop talking about it.

Maybe my body has decided that anything more than 20 and people would just, they'd just think, I love this podcast, but I can't.

One of the hosts is just one of the worst people I've ever met.

Anyway, so I don't know.

I don't know.

Maybe there's a synergy between me and Ian.

I'm not sure.

So that's 10.30.

I get into bed.

Willie's awake.

This kind of happens all night.

So I couldn't really tell you when the day ends.

Yeah.

But I know the next day began at 4.55 a.m.

because I had to watch the Europa League final.

But we can't tell you what the score is.

And you don't care about that because that's today.

These are challenging times, but

this podcast sometimes resembles, do you remember episodes of Dr.

Phil from years ago, which would be like, I'm 14 and I want to have a baby.

So, Dr.

Phil would give you a fake baby that was just a doll that went like,

like every 15 minutes.

Dr.

Phil should make you listen to episodes like this.

But can I just say, like, you're, you're so cool, like, with your football, and in a few years' time, Ian's going to be like, this is my hero, this guy.

I regret now all the times that we went for walks and

I was just wanted to get on buses, et cetera.

Whereas.

Yeah, like I think after the Matthew Crosby episode, I did say, look,

there are these insane highs.

And, you know, I could send you, I did actually think about sending some really sweet photos of the children to you and Mars Part in the WhatsApp group, just as a guy and say, look, you know, we have some wonderful, really beautiful moments.

I just.

I just don't want to hear, I wouldn't want to hear a podcast about, you know,

the number of times you can like kiss your four-month-old on the cheek and watch them grin.

Do you know, like, who wants that?

I don't know.

Maybe

this is what my day.

This is what I've written down anyway.

Yeah.

I'm just there, counting my farts, eating a lovely soup.

I actually had a really good, I had a really good day.

Bang.

You know, there we are.

Yeah, that's absolutely it.

These kids are being loved.

They're growing.

The excitement of when he's doing turds in buckets soon will be, and it's because of these hard yards.

This is pre-season you're in now.

So it is, isn't it?

You'll be listening to

silverware.

This is preseason, but in the 80s, where you were taken to, like, you know, John Beck took you to the army barracks and made you do the, you know, the.

I did that Marine train.

I think Soccer and Glory Years, they made me go and do the Marine training thing in like Devon, where you have to go like submerged through a tunnel of water.

Yeah.

And I'd done an assault course with a soldier like the year before and it was fine.

But this one I was wearing like proper army outfits and carrying like

40 kilos on my back.

And the first thing you had to do was like a water jump.

Not a big one.

But I hadn't, I didn't do any warming up.

I just ran and I jumped how much, how far I'd need to jump to get over the water jump.

But I was obviously 40 kilos heavier.

And so I just went straight into the water.

I was absolutely soaked.

And then the next thing was like a five-foot wall and I just couldn't get over it.

And I actually completely lost my sense of humor, you know.

And it was just like, and then like everything was like monkey bars.

I had nothing, you know, when you've got nothing left, and you're just like, I just literally just hold on to the monkey bars and then just land again in like freezing cold water.

I was just pummeling my whole self.

And everyone was absolutely loving it.

And I was like, there are so many reasons why I wouldn't be good at war, but this has really proved how bad at war I would be.

I mean, firstly,

was war did it ever really involve trying to crawl under a net?

That's what you would always see people doing.

Army won, you'll go on my first whistle.

Yeah.

And travelator.

And if the horrific future of war is just basically drones, it turns out what they're looking for now is effectively the nerds who didn't do any of that and stayed at home playing Halo.

Whereas the fellas like you who are crawling through cold water, it's like, we don't need you anymore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Automation has really ruined it for people who like obstacle courses, isn't it?

Anyway, that was my...

Do you happy with my day?

I think it was a good day, a really good day.

I feel

it's a day that you have to zoom out of and see it as this part of this great graph.

of the wonder of life.

I did feel there were some bleak moments in it,

in particular the part where the wonderful Jamie said, this has been the worst two days.

I told her today, oh, it was my yesterday, yesterday, and she's like, oh, God, I sent that message.

And then I told her about the cascade of negligence.

But that was said.

We were really having a good time when we were talking about that.

Hey, thanks, David.

If you'd like to get in touch with the podcast, here's how.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudo yesterdaypod at gmail.com.

Follow us on instagram at yesterday pod and please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform and if you didn't please don't

thanks david should we do it again we do it again everyone eat some breast argental oh yeah and if you want to have a guess at the country um or if you think you are one of the people who is who had who did the

one listen if you've done the one listen then you're not listening anymore so like that's really hard But maybe you were just passing through

the country.

Passing through Lesotho, and then you listened at that time.

If you think you might be the person who did the one listen in one of those six normal countries, please get in touch.

Well, passing through Lesotho was your album after Cascade of Nuggets, wasn't it?

People should listen to them both as a pair.

It was a collab with Paul Simon, wasn't it?

Passing through Lesotho.

All right, we'll do it again.

Thanks, everything everything and sharing.

Thank you.

Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

Dog by the Bakery Door is a charming story of the magical things a little boy sees on a normal trip to get a coffee with his mum.

Perfect for newborns, three-year-olds, six-year-olds, all children.

Just Google Dog by the Bakery Door.

Here's a review from my three-year-old son.

Dog by the Bakery Door.

I have this book.

Full disclosure: the author might be his mother and my wife, but even more reason to buy it.

She is to live with us and a baby 24/7, has sacrificed her career for my model.

So, being an amazing mum to two boys.

Thank you.

Goodbye.