S2 EP16: Nadia Shireen

and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it.

And they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life.

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton.

And I'm David O'Doherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello, and welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

This is exciting, David.

Another of your bookings.

You have a friend who is a real person, is not a comedian.

Yeah.

And people have said, get somebody somebody who isn't a comedian.

Just find someone.

You know, I found a footballer.

You found an author.

You find someone who doesn't just wander around the streets, you know, frantically saying things to their phone that might be funny, talks about how much rent in Edinburgh is, and then, you know, buggers off to Melbourne for a month and then repeats this for the rest of their life.

You know an actual person, David.

Our guest today

is one of the great children's authors, I would say, around at the moment.

Her name is Nadia Shireen.

I mean, you might know her from a series of books you should get for your nieces and nephews called Grimwood.

Barbara Throws a Wobbler.

Sounds like I'm making up all of these books.

Genuinely, Barbara Throws a Wobbler is my favorite picture book of the last few years.

She hosts the Island of Brilliant podcast with Frank Cottrell Boyce.

So she's up there.

She gets the respect in the biz.

Yeah, I thought I would ask her,

find out what she did yesterday that, as you say, won't involve eating a Nando's and then doing a gig.

I actually didn't think the gig went that well.

Blah, blah, blah.

It won't be like that.

Here's the art of comedy.

What I really understand about the art of car, I'm like, wind it in, wind it in, the rest of you.

Here's a real person.

And, you know, for the tape, we have just recorded the bath sequences.

Beautiful.

It's beautiful.

here is what nadia shireen did yesterday

nadia shireen welcome to what did you do yesterday thank you so much this is very exciting because

this is proof that david knows someone who isn't officially a stand-up commits the only person he knows that doesn't spend their life living out of a bag playing Chichester.

Unless that's what you did yesterday.

I mean, look,

there's a tiny bit of that.

But no, I'm not a stand-up comedian.

I mean, no offense, David, but stand-up comedians are weird people.

Yeah.

Look, I thought I would ask you to do it and thank you very much for doing it because, you know, your books are so wonderful and magical and you bring joy to the lives of people

really sucking.

So I would imagine the day is like hanging around a riverbank waiting to see a kingfisher and write a poem.

Oh, maybe it is.

Maybe it is.

I do make children's books.

That's true.

I think a mistake that people make with people that write children's books is that they are nice people who have picnics with bears and bunnies.

The truth is, we've all got hunchbacks.

We're really bitter.

You are total arsenals.

We are awful people.

We are.

The only people worse than us, authors in general, children's book authors, sidebar, are stand-up comedians.

They're the only people who are worse, I think.

Because I would have said the only people worse than stand-up comedians to hang out with are DJs, sort of commercial radio, because it's all, how'd she get that gig?

How'd he get that gig?

What's the story?

You know, there's a lot of that sort of chat as opposed to the joy of the magic and wonderful.

Maybe that's all creative industries, though.

I reckon people are like that in Telly, don't you think?

Yeah, I am professionally jealous of everybody.

Are you?

Yeah, I watch every show thinking I could do that.

I was watching a reality show, Preeta Sarafinovich, you know, who I'm a big fan of, it's like hosting a sort of reality show where he is like a butlery type.

It's sort of, I think it's like the Traitors.

I've not seen it.

And I was like, I could be a butlery type.

You could be a butler person.

Hoovering away for living in a castle.

It's funny because I did see you, because my phone's listening to me, Max, sometimes your clips on other things you do just pop up on my socials, as we say.

and it was you interviewing a woman who had been on a plane where midway through the flight another woman had tried to open the door because she wasn't happy with the seat she's been put in

oh my are you serious no so i occasionally nadia host a show called the project in australia it's a bit like the one show there's quite a lot of gear changes and there was a story where a woman had tried to open the door because she was in a middle seat and she wasn't happy about it.

I'm saying that's fair enough.

Well, that's what I said on the show, but they clicked that bit out of the Instagram post.

I don't know why.

Anyway, none of this matters.

Marlia, we need to find out about your day.

When did you wake up yesterday?

So I woke up.

I mean, it was interesting because am I allowed to let light in on magic?

I didn't know I was doing this at the beginning of yesterday.

Okay.

You like these bookings?

Yeah, it's pure.

So you woke up in a golden glade in your magical tree house.

So you take your pain.

well kind of i woke up being sort of patted awake by animals that is true i'm so glad that yesterday was yesterday because normally it would be wake up seven o'clock quite boring sunderstall sit at my desk the end but it's the easter holidays all bets are off all bets are off

there are no rules so anyway yesterday my son so i'm divorced and my son sometimes stays with his dad who lives 10 minutes down the road so i had a lion oh wow which was amazing i had a lion it was the best thing ever so i didn't wake up until about nine ish but patted awake by animals i was being patted awake by i have three cats which is maybe a problematic number of cats but i have three cats and they were wondering why I hadn't come down to open the packets because I'm chief packet opener.

That's what they see me as.

Hang on.

Packet as in Amazon packages, things they've already opened.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I don't.

Yeah, it's not heroin, David.

It's probably Sheba.

Let's be real.

It's whiskers.

It's whiskers.

Nadia, James A.

Caster has more than three cats.

Does he?

What's wrong with him then?

His are all different personalities of cat.

He has

one that's the enormous cat that's like the missing link between a house cat and a lion.

And then he has another one that looks like a Brexit voter that lives in the Costa del del Solz ball bag.

One of those ones.

It's a hairless cat.

Yes.

I love all cats apart from hairless.

Yeah, I know.

It's a tough job.

He loves a hairless cat.

What are yours?

So mine is, I've got a lady, Ginger, cat.

She's quite big.

She hates everyone.

and everything.

She's a little cookie monster.

She's about 11.

She came as a pair, but her brother, Elmo, God rest his soul,

went to live on a farm a couple of years ago.

Good.

Not yesterday.

Yeah, no, a couple of years ago.

And then Halloween of last year, two kittens, brother and sister kittens, came to live with me.

And they're called Moose, who's the boy, and Pickle, who's the girl.

And they're great.

They're six months old now.

When you say they're called...

Yeah.

You did give them those names.

They didn't arrive and introduce themselves.

They actually arrived with much posher names.

They came from like a posh house oh what were they called so moose was originally called micklemas

solid solid the oxbridge term system and the other one was lent there we are pickle was what was she called she was called like virginia or something like that

i know they were named after plants in this nice lady's garden so she went micklemas and virginia and so as soon as we got them in the car

you're dave and you're brian and suck it up all right exactly have a what's it and it's whiskers now.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Okay, so how long do these, how long do these cats sort of pet you?

Or do they fall asleep on you?

I mean, there's nothing like a cat just lying on you and purring.

And I haven't, my parents had cats.

I haven't had one since.

And I

Willow, Sprog, Orlando, and Tinkle.

They've all gone to live on a farm.

But, you know, that is a thing that I miss.

So the nice thing is, so Cookie Monster loves me, but

she's just a hateful creature.

so she'll kind of sit by my feet and i'll know she's there because she'll start growling the minute the kittens come in does she hate the kittens she hates the kittens the kittens are just balls of light they're so friendly they're really affectionate they love life they love me they sit on me they i was lying on my side and they kind of perch on my shoulder and meow and come up and they give me kisses they're just delightful and are they constantly trying to impress cookie monster who just doesn't give a shit yeah right they've been trying to impress her for a a while.

Now, Moose, the boy, just literally jumps up and tries to tap her head just to see what happens.

And she punches right back.

So mainly I was kind of slipping in and out of consciousness with growls and hisses and then the sound of things crashing in because they're very hyperactive, running into things, tipping things over.

And I thought, I'd just better get up just to calm this situation down.

It's not dissimilar to Max.

When Max wakes up, because he has a three-year-old and a 10-week-old.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Someone is screaming.

Yeah.

There's vomit everywhere.

Max is, meanwhile, is trying to get back to sleep a lot of the time.

There's no point.

No, I know.

There's no point.

There's just what there is, Nadia, is mainly sadness.

I know.

I've been there.

I've been there.

Max, the good news is it won't really go now, that sadness, for years.

Oh, my.

No, I know.

I'm ready for each part of the journey.

There's enough happiness within the sadness.

I suppose I'm slightly, you know, I'm slightly conscious that people bollocking on about how much they love their kids is like, I just can't hear it.

I'd like to think the listeners know that there is a level of real love there.

Yes.

But there is also such an extreme tiredness that

superficially, as in how it manifests itself, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, is sadness.

It's sadness.

I've never spoken about this before.

This is really interesting.

Oh, Matt.

Happiness within the sadness is...

So I have this thing, Nadia, that because this podcast comes out on a Sunday.

I imagine everyone I'm seeing that day with headphones on is listening to it.

They are, of course they are.

For this one, I'll know that they're all just tears running down their cheeks.

Because

I get it.

I get the sadness that Max is having because you say Sunday.

And for, I guess, those without kids, Sundays like, oh, lion, lazy breakfast, papers.

Bank holidays have meaning.

Holidays have meaning.

And when your kids are as small as the ones Max have, those things mean nothing.

They stock at the calendar.

Nothing means anything.

Nothing means anything.

My Sunday is quite busy.

I have to spray water on a mushroom that is growing in a cupboard.

In your underwear.

Thank you.

And then I've recently planted rosemary out and I've got a...

So don't think I don't want to.

Oh, listen to you.

listen to you rosemary doesn't need any attention David it's a plant that exists on neglect so I'm not surprised you've got some so we'll move on so you've got to go down and open those packets I shuffle downstairs I open the packets and I make a cup of tea I have to have a cup of tea in the morning controversial it's not controversial is it it's very basic English breakfast Earl Grey what are we talking yeah normal Normal I give you Earl Grey's PG tips uh PG tips I went to Yorkshire Gold for a bit Don't really see the difference.

Stronde.

I like a strong cup of tea.

I'll have the tea bag sitting in there for a while.

Don't put lots of milk in my tea.

Don't put the milk in first.

To our Irish listeners, just listen to this.

Imagine people having these bland opinions on different teas.

There's one thing that defines my people.

It's very, very strong opinions on tea bags.

And there are two main Irish brands, Barry's and Lions.

And you make a decision early in your life and you stick to it.

And if you happen to drink a Lions and you're a Barrys person, you spit it out across the room and you cry and go and live under the stairs for a month.

All right.

I'll commit then.

I know about Barry's.

I'm Barry's because I went and stayed at someone's house.

They would only drink Barry's.

Yeah.

And I was like, yeah, this is good.

So I would say, PG Tips then.

Fine.

PG tips.

It's just that everyone started telling me that Yorkshire, oh, not Yorkshire, Yorkshire Gold.

I was like, is it?

It's not that great.

I think we don't want, The aim of this podcast isn't to force people into big life decisions.

It got the sense that you were slightly...

Yeah, you were slightly provoked into having to make a life decision there.

I like to sit on the fence, Max.

Okay, fine.

Because I just think, hey, you know, I'm just that kind of person.

David, push me over the fence.

Yeah.

Right.

So you have.

Okay.

Yes, David.

No, no, no.

Come on, David.

What?

We'll just bracket that section off.

We try and keep this podcast under four hours.

Tight, tight, tight, tight.

I know we're still on my morning cup of tea.

This is pathetic.

Right, so I have tea,

little bit of milk, and I have a little, not even a teaspoon.

I would say a third of a teaspoon of honey in my tea.

Okay, you've lost me.

I've got a sweet tooth, and I'm really trying to wean myself off.

having anything in my tea.

Okay, so at its peak, you know, Bob Mortimer was at about, I made him a cup of tea once.

I think it was like 12 sugars.

It was like something amazing.

It was like to the point where you were like, these will stop dissolving soon.

So, what was your peak of?

Oh, this is going to sound pathetic now.

I mean, one, but what I mean.

Okay.

That's it.

It wasn't outrageous.

And that was years ago.

I've been having honey in my tea for a few years.

Okay.

I think it gives it a little sweetness, but enhances the tea flavor.

I think what it is is you've read too many A.A.

Milne books and you want to bring the wonder of Winnie the Pooh to your writings.

Well, a little bear does come along with the honey strapped to its head and it does a little bow and it says, Milady,

your honey.

And that's how I get the honey for my tea.

Fair enough.

Also, I didn't tell you how I went downstairs.

I'm carried by little bluebirds.

They lift me

and they carry me downstairs like snow white.

All right, so we've had a cup of tea.

What flavours the

because cat food is so disgusting.

I don't know.

As soon as you open it, you're like, oh.

It's like animal flavor.

It's like fish flavour, I guess.

Mouse, mouse flavor.

Why don't they make mouse-flavoured cat food?

Yeah, yeah, good point.

It's a fair enough point.

I gotta write that down.

Raise that, please.

Okay, we'll take it to the man.

You guys know people.

I know that you guys know people.

So just to ask, why is there not rats slash mouse-flavored cat food?

Because that's a win-win situation in terms of what to do with rat meat.

Yeah, you catch the rats.

Because I know around where you live, there's the old rat catcher, and he has a big net in Brighton.

Yeah, in Brighton.

In Brighton, there's a rat catcher.

On a unicycle?

Yeah, probably.

He's a barista.

Yeah,

and he's a barista.

And he's also just working on some stuff, vague stand-up stuff.

It's nothing, you know, it's kind of like semi-autobiographical,

but it has got jokes in.

And he's a rat catcher.

Okay, so the cats are fed.

You've had a cup of tea.

Are you in a dressing gown?

I'm in loungewear.

As someone who works from home, a lot of my life is spent in loungewear, like leisure wear.

Good.

So I'll sleep in like a sweatshirt, you know, I'll get up and maybe eventually have a shower and then change into a clean sweatshirt.

Is that okay?

That's fine.

I haven't showered yet today and it's 8.13 p.m.

Yeah, yeah.

There's no rigorous Sunni thing here.

You won't greet this.

I mean, we're spring now.

I mean, we can say that you and I are, Max, is drudging into the autumn right now.

Yeah, but autumn in Australia is not real, is it?

It's not real.

It wasn't real today.

No, that is.

No, it's not real.

Will you go out and take the sun on your face, though?

So, yeah, normally I probably would.

But yesterday, I actually had a slightly unusual thing.

I had a boxing session happening at midday.

With Frank Bruno.

With Frank Bruno.

So I knew that was going to happen.

So as a result, I kind of made my tea and I had a bit of cereal and yogurt and I took both back up to bed

where I decided to kind of, like Winston Churchill, just conduct the morning in bed.

So do some emails,

eat,

have my tea in bed, and then get up to go and do that.

Then, question.

Are you under the because I find once I'm up, I don't want to get back into bed.

I never have that problem.

Under the duvet feels a bit sort of hot.

I know what you mean.

Yeah, no, I go happily go on top of the duvet at that point.

Until the duvet.

Give the duvet a shake, make it nice, pump up the pillows, and then like lie on the duvet.

Okay.

And how many pillows?

Because you've got to, like, you've got to be 90 degrees, haven't you, really?

Especially for a bowl of cereal.

So I have two standard pillows, but I also have like this londe bolster cushion that I have in bed with me because sometimes if I'm on my side, I like to wrap, you know, have a raised leg upon the bolster.

It's very comfortable.

It's very comfortable.

You've really thought this through.

Well, I first got one when I was up the spout years ago.

Right.

Yeah.

And I've never turned back because it's a nice thing to have.

So I kind of fold that behind me so I'm really upright.

Now, is the boxing match looming Your title bout against Jen Brister for the lightweight crown of Brighton.

Do you have to do some online vids where you're like, Jen Brister, you are going to need 10 plumbers to sort you out when I'm finished with you at 12pm today?

Do you not think I'd be a scary presence?

Do you not think I could psych out an opponent?

Is that what you're saying?

With hand puppets.

Yeah.

Children's book illustrator psyching out an opponent for boxing.

Are you going to smash her head in?

Yes, I am.

It's a tricky one because I know boxing is not wrestling, but there's never been a wrestler that is the children's writer and illustrator.

Yeah, well, I'm going for, I'm an innovator in many ways.

Look, it's not a boxing match.

And I knew I was like, I'm going to come in for some sticky.

It's like a boxing session for fitness.

Sure.

Is it just you and one other person, or is it sort of boxer size where you're running around, like just throwing yourself?

So I've only just started, right?

It's only my second session.

Right, okay.

And it's like in a tiny, tiny gym with one trainer.

And the first time I did it, there were like six people there.

And she made us do stuff, like run around a little bit, but it's not a big gym, so there's not much room to run around.

And then we had to do punching and holding pads.

Whoa, have you got gloves on?

Yeah.

It's not bare knuckle boxing.

Yeah.

Hands up who's never been to it, but yes, we have gloves on.

Well, I know.

Do you have have head guards?

Do you have gum shields?

When you sock someone, is there a moment where it goes slow-mo and their gum shield shoots out and the trainer drops onto the canvas?

One, two.

There's no canvas.

We're just in like a little gym.

It's like someone's living room.

No, it's better than a living room.

I don't think David's done one of these.

classes.

To be fair, I have only done, I mean, this is my second.

So I'm not, I'm new to the world of exercise.

I'm a very sedentary person that likes potatoes.

And I've just come to a point in my life now where I've been, you know, gently tapped on the shoulder and told, you've got to do some exercise and lay off the spuds.

What's your ring walk tune?

Does Orinoco Flow play while you walk?

And they're like, Nadia, Cherie.

Orinoco Flow.

Orinoco Flow would be...

When I did Live at the Apollo, it's a popular BBC.

comedy show.

They said, what music do you want to walk on to?

And I said, Orinoco Flow.

They had to pay some large amount of money to Enya.

Of course, they did because she lives in a castle with she does live at a castle.

That's true.

Not that far from me.

And I've paid for some of that castle.

Wow.

Did that come out of your fee?

Did that come out of your feet?

They say, right, Lula, you're doing the Apollo.

You know, we'll give you five grand.

But if you want Orinoco Flow, Enya's getting three.

Of course she is.

Yeah.

Does Enya get part of the proceeds of this podcast?

Only if we sing a bit of it now.

Have you ever met Enya?

No one's ever met Enya.

Come on.

Enya does listen to me.

I would love to meet Enya.

You can get the feeling of Enya if you put your foot in a Dyson airblade.

That's as close as any of us will ever get to meeting Enya.

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sorry we skipped over max yeah this is what i wanted to say david you're on the bed Boxing hasn't happened yet.

Yeah, what's the cereal?

Sorry, what's the cereal?

So, right, this ties in.

So normally it would have been like those clusters

bits of nuts.

And to be fair, it's like eating a pudding, isn't it?

It's like eating dessert.

So, I've had to knock those on the head.

Cereal-wise, I'm trying out this new cereal.

It's a high-protein cereal.

It's not grape nuts, is it?

That's like gravel in a buddy.

It's not grape nuts.

No, they've like invented this.

So it's like a chocolatey hoop cereal.

If you look at Instagram after this, it will be advertised because of the algos, right?

So it's a new cereal and it's very high-protein, low sugar, like chocolate hoops.

And you know what?

It's not bad.

It's kind of nice.

I have it with some Greek yogurt, some berries, and some nuts.

Do you know what I thought you would have had for breakfast?

A giant peach brought to you by a thousand seagulls.

Nadia, do you think David's going to do that for the whole episode?

Yeah, I do.

Yeah,

I do.

This is why David's career in children's books lies in tatters.

Right?

In tatters.

Because of the contempt.

You're very very successful.

I'm very successful.

Are you prove it?

Where are the awards?

Show me the awards.

Oh, listen to JK rolling here.

Can't see any.

Come on.

Show me the awards.

Yeah, I haven't got any awards either, so I can't show you my awards.

Do you know what?

I once won the Sony Radio Award for Breaking News for BBC London's coverage of the, there was an earthquake in like Made a Vale in 2004, like a tiny earthquake.

And I was part of the news team but for the whole of the coverage because it happened in the afternoon i waited till the morning i was at the cinema watching a denzel washington film but it didn't stop me sticking that on the cv when i needed a cv breaking news missed the whole thing missed the whole earthquake enjoyed the movie had some pick and mix

Sony gold.

You came out blinking into the sunlight.

Exactly.

What's happened?

Another award.

Yeah, there we go.

Well, as if we needed any more proof that awards are a sham.

Well, you say that, but let's just say you're in the running for what did you do yesterday, Children's Author of the Year, and we'll be announcing it at the end.

It's a short list of two.

You and me.

Yeah.

Hang on.

My wife has a book out.

So remember.

Flamey's also on that.

Well, that was a bit of a screw up there, wasn't it, David?

Your co-host, just dissing his wife.

Yeah, I know.

Shocking.

You bastard.

I know.

When do you start doing

writing your magical next tome?

Is that a serious question?

it sounded really sarcastic it sounded like I don't give up

I'm trying to talk in a sort of magical like I'm doing a an audio book for an old boring Victorian children's book that they've just reissued okay okay okay I'm sorry David what it's a the line of questioning that we can't do yeah Nadia is on the bed Right with her Cheerios.

If she doesn't write, we can't ask her about the writing.

Yeah, she's got to present it to us first and then we drill.

If she does some yesterday, that's okay.

Yeah, you should know that by now.

I feel like you're panicking because I'm not a stand-up comedian, David, and you don't know what to do with me because I'm not a stand-up comedian.

So you just don't know, like, how do I talk to these people?

So let me say, if I wasn't on the bed eating cereal, doing emails.

What I might have done on another day, just shuffle.

What?

You don't want me to, I can't deviate.

All right, well, fine.

Do Do this.

Fine, fine.

I won't.

Focus on the brief.

Everybody focuses on the brief.

All right.

Well, yesterday was a work shy day, if I'm honest.

Great, great.

So I can't go into my process, but that's probably good because who cares?

Yeah, I don't care.

I want to know

who you're emailing.

What's the inbox?

Are you going through the whole inbox or have you got a million messages?

I'm kind of a big deal, Max.

I don't know if you know that.

I'm aware of it.

I'm joking.

I'm not a big deal.

I will prioritise the work emails.

So the machine keeps turning.

So there'll be emails from PR people, from publishers, publishers saying, can you do this book festival?

Or can you do this?

Can you do that?

So I'll be doing that kind of email.

A lot of diorizing, which I hate.

I find stressful diorising.

Did you say yes to any big festivals?

You're off to Bologna.

What's the big one?

Oh, good one.

Bologna is a really good book fair, good knowledge, but it's not really, that's more industry.

So that's more people going.

It's more industry.

That's why I know.

You're an industry guy, Max.

He's more a Frankfurt guy.

Yeah, exactly.

So

you want to get involved with like the sausage machine, the sausage factory.

I do.

Whereas I'm an artist, I'm a creative.

So I just like to skip through fields and like hang out with funnies.

No.

No, I mean, there are a couple of festivals, but like there's...

Did you agree to any yesterday?

In the emails, they said, are you just saying politely, no, I don't want to go?

Or yes.

No, I said yes.

Chris Judge, the illustrator that I work with and I once did the Hay Festival.

We did a very interactive show with the kids where we would warn them about things, awful things that could happen at birthday parties and so we would ask the audience what did you do for your birthday and then we would you know poke fun of a general improvised bands horseplay horse play however the kids were so posh at our event no one had a normal birthday so it was um what did you do

we looked after horses and i was like well okay we just wanted someone to say they went to mcdonald's or the cinema because we had loads of good gear on like went to the park, etc.

What did you do?

We got a tour of the BBC.

And it's like, oh my God.

We lived with the Maasai for six weeks on the Serengeti.

We went to Paris on the train.

No.

Well, yeah, I mean, you've got to be prepared for anything.

Kids are a nightmare.

You know, when you do events with kids, they don't care if you're sad.

They'll tell you if it's boring, if they're bored or if they want to leave.

They'll ask what time you're going to stop.

The first event I ever did when I was kind of a new, really nervous author, and there were literally five children there.

It's about 12 years ago.

And the first question was, where's Julia Donaldson?

Like, why are you here?

Just some random woman who's coming off of the street.

And some of that energy persists.

Yeah, I used to.

But I I started hosting Soccer AM and the previous host was a guy called Tim Lovejoy.

And I would just be walking down the street and someone would just yell out of a van, where's Lovejoy, you mug?

And I would just be like, someone'd be passing them, all right, cheers, mate.

Okay, so we're on the bed.

We've done our emails.

Now is it time for boxing?

Can I just say I'm concerned at the pace of that?

Because I've got such a lot of good stuff coming up.

Man, you should hear about my afternoon.

Now it is time for the boxing.

I've been careful to hydrate, which is now what I have to call drinking water.

I go to this little gym and I've accidentally worn my slippers to the gym, but it's okay because I take them out and swap them with my gym shoes.

The boots.

Do you have the laced up boots?

No, no, no.

The trainer is this lovely woman called Sam.

She's a lot younger than me, obviously.

So the music is not...

to my taste.

And she knows that by the faces I pull.

Right.

You want acoustic cloud.

You want extreme more than words while you're punching the hell out of a bunch.

Maybe I do.

Maybe I I want Enya.

Good for you.

I think that would be good, actually.

No, it's kind of, it's just not my thing.

It's, there's a lot of Lincoln Park

and then there's some kind of drum and bass.

It's just not for me.

But it's okay, but I wish it was something different.

Yeah, I've had this row in gyms before where they have to put on something terrible.

It's like, you can't.

Why?

And I'd be like, why can't we just put on some like Motown?

Yeah.

Something good.

Something with a tune.

Some disco,

some disco classics.

Some disco classics.

Put on the Supremes.

Yeah, who's not enjoying that put on the beastie boys if you want shouting put on the beastie anyway it's a lot of linkin park and minem which i don't love so the last time i had a session there were six of us there are just two of us today that's because you beat the shit out of them they ain't coming back and this is only my second go so i was a bit tensive and there's this guy there and he looks like he's not beefy he's quite a wiry looking fella but he looks very mcwigan he's very experienced he has got exactly he's got a mcwiggany air to him, right?

I think he's a whippet.

He's wiry, he's quick.

And I still am learning how to stand like a boxer.

Can I just say?

I cannot impress upon you enough how little I know what I'm doing.

We start doing shadow boxing,

which is difficult because I feel so, I look like a tit.

Like it looks so stupid.

Is this a metaphoric thing or are you actually shadow boxing?

I didn't know, but she said it like I should know.

Yeah, cool.

It's, I think, somewhere in the middle because you're kind of skipping around,

not really doing anything.

You're not hitting another person.

You're just skipping.

She's like, always moving, always moving.

And then you've got to start doing jabs.

There's not a specific shadow I'm trying to hit.

Everyone's got a plan till they get hit in the face by a shadow.

I'm just trying to say boxing quotes now that I know.

There is something I find in a gym.

Those who can shadow box right with real intensity, not just like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Who are like really like, I'm imagining someone's there and they're going,

Yeah, they look like the most sinister bastards out there.

They would kill a man in cold blood, they could just get your neck and rip it in half.

They are the most terrifying people in a gym.

I mean, Max, I don't know if this will surprise you or not.

If you'd seen me yesterday shuffling about in my Snoopy t-shirt,

occasionally lifting a heavy paw and kind of flailing it in front of my face, I'm not sure you would have been intimidated by me yesterday.

No, I'm not sure sure the wrath of Shireen would have made you worried in any way.

I mean, later on.

Right, okay.

Later on, I was throwing some punches.

Oh, okay.

I was going to say later on in the evening when I shanked somebody in a car park, you'd be surprised.

There is that.

There is that.

No, later in the session, we did, I was punching my opponent, but on pads, right?

He was holding up pads and I got quite good then.

And towards the end of the session, okay, this is how I know I improved.

Yeah.

When I was throwing the punches, I started making involuntary noises.

Oh, really?

But it wasn't like, so the proper noise is what David was doing earlier, which is,

right?

My noise was not that noise.

My noise was like,

yeah.

It's more of a tennis noise you're making.

Yeah.

I had a trainer who sort of occasionally we'd do kickboxing.

Like it's so exhausting.

And then at the end, you know, they'd be like, at the end, just there's a bag.

Do 100.

And I'd be going, 1, 2, 2, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 1, 2, 2, 5, 5, 6, 6.

And literally I'd say by punch 90

one of your six month old kittens, you know deliver more force.

I am literally like I'd be like a tiny like a hummingbird like blowing like a tired hummingbird blowing on someone the force from this punch is embarrassing by that stage.

So speaking of embarrassing poor Sam, the trainer yesterday, she said she tried to do exactly the same at the end of the session.

So there were the big thins, what are they called, that you hit?

The bags.

Punch bags.

That's it.

You can see I'm new to this.

And she was like, right, give me two minutes of intensity.

Oh, two minutes now.

10 straight punches, 10 hooks, 10 uppercuts, as many as you can do.

Go, go, go.

At the end of it, do you know what?

She literally laughed at us.

And she's like, yeah, I don't think you quite got the idea.

Does this sort of hyper-aggression that you're unleashing now?

Because everything you're saying just says to me, this is raw.

This is intense.

When you then leave, you know, and you get on the bus, do you nearly deck the person sitting behind you who's listening to their phone out loud?

Do you know what's weird?

Just the opposite.

I kind of floated out feeling like a floppy, happy bunny.

Just really bounced out.

I was like, oh, it was good.

Wow.

I know.

I'm as surprised as anyone.

But, I mean, that's what boxing brings, isn't it?

It brings self-control, the things that you've lacked in your life, discipline, self-control, all those things up until now.

Yeah, you know, David, like your Andra, which just flops out all over the place, your uncontrolled rage.

Maybe it would benefit from a bit of kind of focus, some focused rage, some MM in Lincoln Park.

I just can't wait for your next children's book, which is the otter approached the toad, and the toad unleashed a barrage, came up on the inside, saw that the otter had a weak jaw,

and kept punching till the referee dived in.

Well, there's already quite a lot of violence in my books, which is the Grimwood series, for anyone listening.

The Grimwood series.

There's quite a lot of violence in those already.

That's good.

Yeah, you're right.

The bunny had a cut above his eye.

Yeah.

And so Snuffles the Cat went straight in for the kill.

Work on the cut, said the trainer from behind the turnbuckle.

I'm buying this book.

I'm buying this.

There are decapitations.

Oh, good.

The doctor's arrived.

Yeah.

But he was already dead.

He was already dead.

Exactly.

Yeah.

That's a big job for a cut man, a full decapitation.

Is there anything you can do, cut man?

No.

Okay, so we're out of the gym.

You're flopping around, happy as lamb.

We're out of the gym.

I was very happy.

Come home.

But I'm in a rush.

I have to quickly have a shower and get a change because I have an appointment to keep.

My son, as you may remember, is at his dad's house, which is down the road.

So I quickly shower and change and get in the car.

There's not time for lunch.

Even though I'm starving, this will come back and haunt me later.

I'm starving.

So I just quickly blood a bit of water, grab an apple, jump in the car, drive to my ex-husband's house and say, I am here.

I am outside because we're going on a blended family day trip.

Oh,

how brighten.

This is so bright.

So my son scampers into the car.

I'm on time.

I'm on time.

My ex needs 10 minutes to finish his lunch.

Oh.

Are you allowed in the house?

Stupid to just sit out.

No, I'm very much allowed in the house, but I just decide we're just chit-chatting in the car and wait for him.

I make the point that he had his lunch and I didn't, right?

Yeah, no, no, and it's a point well made.

But we drive half an hour up the road to an animal sanctuary, an animal rescue center.

It's called Raystead, where my ex-husband's partner works.

Right.

And she is giving us a little tour.

A little VIP, yeah, behind the curtain tour.

So we start out with the donkeys with all the other losers.

Yeah.

Standing there listening to the stuff about the donkeys, but we get kind of backstage access.

Shit.

Oh, VIP.

You get to meet the animals afterwards.

What's back, like...

Have people given in pandas?

No.

It's a Jurassic Park type thing where there's some raptors.

They went into Tiger King and they got them all out.

I tell you what, we got some backstage access into the terrapin zone.

And we walk into this place and there's a whole, like there are all these tants and it's like a place for the terrapins that have been handed in, right?

Who spent their lives in little sad tants.

They cannot just be chucked into the lovely big pond outside.

They'll panic.

Their muscles are not strong enough for them to swim.

So they have to go into these acclimatization tants to exercise, to like build up their terrapin muscles.

wow so your

ex's new partner she has a terrapin suit and she gets into the tank and she's swimming with them showing them yeah they show them how to maneuver

and they do little workout sessions there's like a misterpin mr motivator in high viz gear doing exercises This is pretty magical.

It was nuts.

It was so magical.

I was so excited.

I was like, there's going to be a lot to talk about here.

What were some of your favorite animals?

Did your son enjoy this?

I mean, he's a little older.

Yes.

Is he also a bit like donkeys?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He has my wide-eyed air of wonder around animals.

He has it too.

He loves it.

So we, no, we loved it.

What other animals did they have, for goodness sake?

They had goats, they had donkeys, they had alpacas, but the alpacas were too far away for us to see.

I mean, we saw them from a distance, but it was like, ah, I can't be bothered to go there.

They have a whole cat section, and we got VIP access to the cat section.

It has whole cats in it.

Whole cats, entire cats,

not just bits of cats.

It's my favourite type of cat.

Little cat limbs, bags of cat paws.

I mean, if you live with three cats, going to a place where they just have more cats.

But are there interesting cats?

They're interesting cats.

I mean, they're cats who people, they're cats, they're rejected cats, right?

So they're cats that people have given up to be adopted.

So immediately I'm weeping.

Is everything rejected?

Yeah, everything.

Rejected alpaca.

Who's rejected an alpaca?

Who's got one in the first place?

I don't know the backstory to the rejected alpaca, but I'm guessing it's an interesting one.

I mean, I don't know.

People keep alpaca.

I remember when I was growing up, a friend of my dad was an alpaca farmer.

And I suppose if your circumstances changed, it would be hard to keep an alpaca.

Do you know what?

Let's move into the city, into a studio apartment.

What are we going to do with Alan?

Do you know what?

I learned some sad things.

People give up bunnies.

Bunnies are one of the most given up things because people get the bunnies because they're cute or because the kid is like, yay, bunnies.

And I mean, bunnies are boring, aren't they?

And you've got to clean the hutch.

Having a pet, in terms of having a pet, bunnies are a bit dead behind the eyes, I think.

They don't give you much back emotionally.

And I think people get bored after a few months.

So they've got so many bunnies.

And bunny take up is slow.

I don't think I've ever had direct access to a bunny.

Where my granny lived on Akal Island, where I spent a lot of the pandemic, there's wild hares in the area.

Okay.

Not bunnies.

Their ears sit right down like their hair is in plaits.

Do you think I've touched a bunny?

Have I touched a bunny?

I reckon I've touched a bunny.

I think I have, but one of my friends had a bunny called Rupert.

And when Rupert died, they were very sad.

But I must have touched that bunny.

No, I was just thinking, considering you spent a large part of this podcast podcast going how the twee little you know bumblebee takes nadia down the stairs and then you just dropped in when my granny grew up on accol island which literally sounds like the star of like every kid's book honestly yeah when i grew up on a misty island

surrounded by hares and then there was a wise old granny i mean honestly it's balls is what it is max it's absolute balls yeah you can't say balls i'm sorry reported to the children's book Council.

I know, I know, I know.

I forget I said that.

Point of order.

You've spent most of this podcast series talking about lowering your balls into a bath.

There you go.

Sorry to keep picking you up on things.

I don't want to hear about that, Phil.

No, people do.

You would be surprised.

I am surprised and horrified.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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So I've just brought this up on my computer, which is when me and Max went to the Collingwood Children's Farm on the 21st of April 2024.

And the main thing that struck me was that so all of the farm activities are listed on a chalkboard as you go in.

And they all sound like indie bands from the landfill indie period of circa 2008, 2009.

I will now read you some of the farm activities.

Drawing just on its own.

Meet the goats.

Definitely saw them at South by Southwest.

Tactile toddler table.

Meet the sheep, digging pit.

Yes.

Come on.

Digging pit were at Red End.

They were supported by egg grading and watched the farmer feed the pigs, who was more of a sort of heavy metal kind of person.

I was going to say that's like heavy metal, but like with a touch of ambient kind of drone.

Orbital meets nine-inch nails.

Yeah.

Like, you know, when people come out of their gigs, they're like, whoa like you had whoa did you raw dog it or did you wear earplugs

okay so we leave the animal sanctuary do you take any of these poor animals that have no home or do you just offered

i mean

i was tempted but i'm like i'm at a three cat limit i can't no fair enough i can't

maybe i would get a guinea pig but i can't get a guinea pig with three cats because that would just be madness so now what's happening home we go home we go i like sending in the car really expressively because it makes my son really upset because he's 12.

What are we singing?

I was just sitting, I had a mix, like a mix playlist on.

I was actually singing Madonna's like a prayer, which I liked because I was doing all of it from the beginning.

So not just like the chorus, I was doing from the moment she says, God,

at the beginning.

And then, you know, the choir comes in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I was doing.

Can you come and

not Max?

Max, not even there.

I was doing the slow.

Yeah, really good.

So he was saddened.

Because when that kicks in, when it kicks in, yes.

So I did the whole, I like to do the whole shaband, and he gets so sad.

Is your ex-husband happy about this?

He's fine with it.

We unite in embarrassing him sometimes.

Okay, good.

It's good.

You know, we dance and he gets sad.

If we both dance in, he doesn't like it.

So we just, I do that for some, not the whole time.

my ex-husband had a phone call so I had to turn the music off for the phone call but then we get home Nadia something we've skipped here is when does the text come in that quite literally everyone in the entertainment slash show biz slash friends of mine is waiting for which is can you do what did you do yesterday tomorrow and does the I am intrigued as to whether the day takes that

when you suddenly realize that this is for posterity.

Do you know what?

I saw it when I came out of boxing

and was rushing to have a shower.

And I thought, oh, that's great because I've got a really busy day.

I'm afraid it didn't affect the day in any way.

It definitely did.

It really did not.

I know, I don't want people to change, you know, because we did, I worried about this when I had the idea.

If you book someone, will they change their, what they do?

And it works both ways.

Either we change history or people are strong enough in their conviction that this behemoth of a podcast won't affect a second of what they do with their day.

Do you know, My bowels turned to jelly for a second or two when I thought, will I be able to give them the stuff, the meat they want?

Nadia, that has a lot of people's bowels have turned to jelly, it seems, because the amount of times this podcast goes in that direction.

But the beauty of it is, Richard Osman watches two to three episodes of Nothing to Declare Australia.

Yeah, you know, there's no way he was like, I'm going to try and impress these guys.

Oh, oh, I promise I wasn't trying to impress you guys.

so we've sung madonna in the car we've sung madonna in the car i drop my ex-off at his house he dashes in to get my son's swimming gear because we're going away today and he needs his swimming gear son and i go home son rushes in to start making a video he he likes to make football edit videos great so he really wants to do a football edit of arsenal's win on tuesday because he's a goona he's an arsenal fan oh he had a great time he had a great time.

He did.

Does he make those videos where a sort of isolated version of him appears in the bottom of the screen pointing up at Bakayo Thako doing a cool pass?

No, because I'm boring, I don't let him have his face on

the YouTubes.

Fair enough.

But he's allowed his voice and he is getting good at...

During the pandemic, I neglected him to write books so we had money to eat.

And that's when he taught himself iMovie.

And now he like teaches, he knows like all the little, he's a good little editor and he just edits together he like screen grabs motion cat I don't know what he does gets the videos of goals and then he kind of edits them together with little graphics and stuff after your nadia wow max used to work for Sky he has heard what you've said I'm so sorry they're about to come down like a ton of bricks on you right now it's okay they let me go after 10 years of great service so can you get my son a job he's only 12 but I think his career lies in the I think I could work on it well we can put his video in the show notes.

Ah, he'd be really excited.

I'll have to think about it, though, because I don't allow strangers to get in touch with him.

He's so annoyed with me.

He's like, please allow comments.

Please, can I have my face?

And I'm like, no.

It's so interesting, though.

Like, I'm in Australia and they're just about to introduce like a social media ban for kids.

And I think with young kids, like the absolute nightmare of, you know, thank God my wife is a primary school teacher and she will know what to do because I just, how do do you navigate all this stuff that is just oh, I'm probably doing it completely wrong, but you just make it up as you go along.

I'm like, let him have his fun and put his vids together.

I used to, I love that kind of thing.

So he has fun.

It's creative.

It's great.

Yeah.

And also those,

like that game.

was incredible.

If you're an Arsenal fan, he had literally the best, that was the best game of his life, probably.

I think that was probably why he was still elated yesterday.

And he said to me, did you see the goals, mummy?

And I said, no, I don't care about football, son.

You know, this.

He said, Boy, do I have an edit for you?

It's funny that you mentioned that.

He literally has because the football match that for me, all football games are compared to is one from when I was eight or nine.

I watched the 1984 UEFA Cup final, which Spurs won in a penalty shootout with the sub-goalkeeper Tony Parks saving shots from Anderlecht.

And honestly, like, that's the reason I still watch football is because of the memory of that.

And also, I think the social media ban in Australia is a really good idea because kids, you know, any moment I'm not with my phone, my life is better.

But then it's also good to be able to go home and make some edits later on and have an hour of that.

I'm happy for him to do all that business.

He's not got a phone.

He's not on social media.

I'm sure that will all come at some point.

But he was just impatient at that point.

He was still elated by the match.

So he wanted to get in, get working on that.

I was like, fine, you do that.

I then began.

It's just jobs.

It's just like a vortex of jobs.

Take us through it.

For like the next three hours, jobs.

So, okay, first job, still got my shoes on.

I accidentally ordered something and instead of saying deliver it to my house, it automatically said, it's been delivered to your nearest UPS collection center.

Oh, no.

I don't even know what that means.

Apparently, it it means at just the corner shop down the road, I have to go there.

Not a big deal.

What is this?

What did you order?

I ordered a David Shridley tote bag.

Oh, lovely.

Who's David Shridley?

David Shridley's an artist.

He's an artist, an illustrator guy.

And I had wanted this bag for a while.

And I saw it.

I went, I'm bite it.

And I did.

He does deeply odd art, Max.

You would know him as he did the football mascot for, I think, Clyde Bank, one of the non-glamourous Scottish teams, and made this really kind of deranged-looking

sun that someone has to walk around the pitch.

Yes.

And everyone loves it.

Yes.

I love David Shrigley.

So great purchase there.

Yes.

Got a David Shriggy bag.

Then I popped to the co-op and I got some milk.

and came back.

And then it was just a vortex of jobs.

And I don't know if this happens to you guys or if you just have staff that do this for you.

Your staff.

Since the podcast started, yeah.

I was going to make a roast chicken and various other, not a proper Sunday roast, but just I had to roast this chicken and make various vegetables alongside.

Going out of date.

I also, because I'm leaving the house today, I've got people staying here, right?

To look after the cats and house sit.

So many jobs because I have to pretend that my house is like an average level of clean.

Okay.

There's like an acceptable level of clean.

If you've got people staying in your home,

you just have to deal with the piles of laundry.

You have to maybe do that deep dust.

Yeah.

And it's like, dad, I forgot that, forgot that, forgot that.

So just endless for about three hours.

How long normally we have an armchair in the living room where the dry laundry will be, that's where I will throw it.

Oh, it could be actioned that day, but it might be three days later that you're like, oh, that's, we need to put that in the cupboards.

Look, in my defense, I'm going to say I'm a hard-working single parent.

That's my defense.

It's going to be a very good defense.

Sustained.

There's like a chair in my bedroom.

I'm lying to you if I say that that chair is ever empty.

It's fair.

It's fair.

Never.

Never.

It's just a chair of clothing.

And like every now and then I go, I'm going to do the chair.

And I'll sit and I'll try and do the chair.

And then I'll almost be done.

But then there'll be like socks or like odd things.

And then I just go,

and I get a bag, a tote bag, and just put the annoying shrigly pop it in shrigly pop it in shridly

and then it just sits there so now around the chair i have bags of like odd socks out of season scarfs things that my child has grown out of it's just a collection of bags now around the chair with your wardrobe i would say sorry to have i've really touched in

the same page most of the time

I just throw it all in.

And then like,

every couple of of months, I'll go, okay, I'm going to see.

Because I've been wearing the same t-shirt and shorts because they're on the top or they're not in the wardrobe.

But once something goes in, it could stay in there for six months.

I don't know.

And I just wear an eight-pound blue hoodie I got from Primark, a selection of three t-shirts and a pair of shorts.

I'm finding this all very triggering.

I would pay money for someone to just come here and just sort the whole lot out.

Because you oh, but no, don't.

Because I open my wardrobe.

There's a bin bag in my wardrobe at the bottom full of out-of-season jumpers.

I've forgotten I've even had.

Dead cats.

Dead cats.

It's like, where did they go?

Here you are.

I can't deal with it.

Honestly, can someone come around to my house and just deal with it?

Because I'm overwhelmed.

I get to spend a couple of hours every morning just deciding what I'm going to wear.

Of course you do.

Gently folding and unfolding.

Or how does it feel on the skin?

Does it bring me joy?

I bet you've got drawers with all your trousers folded neatly and all your stupid t-shirts.

I can see it on the flipping camera.

You've got stupid coats on hangers, and it's all orderly.

My wife's dad dropped off her Irish dancing dress from, like, you know, when she was 10 or something, and it's fucking enormous.

And it now takes up like half, it's in my wardrobe, and it takes over half of it.

It's just like, and it's really like hard,

it's like a suit of armor, basically.

This is what Flatley and that lot are dancing.

Don't you dare throw that out.

It's officially a hate crime if you throw that out.

Just bear that out.

I'm not throwing it out.

I'm just like, it's just there.

Is she planning on Irish dancing anytime soon?

Yeah.

I don't think so, but she can't bring herself to chuck it.

And I'm not going to chuck it, but it is taking up a lot of space.

But then I've got like a lot of shirts that I stole from Channel 9 in Australia when they didn't renew my contract.

And I was like, right, I'm having these.

But I never wear shirts.

Like, I never, ever, ever wear.

I've got like 30 shirts that just sit there.

And I never, there is just no point in them being in there on the off chance that I need a beige shirt.

It's never going to happen.

I just need to realize this is never going to happen.

In the same way that most of my wardrobe is just various types of loungewear, leisure wear, but in navy.

Yeah.

With the occasional Snoopy t-shirt thrown in.

I mean, yeah, this is a plea.

Someone in the Brighton area, come round and sort out my life.

Nadia, although...

We have not released this podcast yes, we're still recording it.

I am imagining the comments and they're forming at this speed,

appearing underneath, which was how's she cooking this chicken and i don't want to build this up too much yeah but your techers yeah that you're about to use a lot of people will judge how good a person you are i'm really comfortable with that i'm gonna um just say this is not my standard sundae roast chicken okay okay because if i was gonna do that you would be blown away and the whole pod would be about that because i would go deep in terms of the roast potatoes and everything this was a very like i need to just roast this chicken yeah because we're going away tomorrow.

It just needs to eat in.

Watch it put up its butt.

Half a lemon.

Yeah.

I scampered out into my garden and got some freshly cut rosemary.

Oh, yeah.

I put it upon a trivet of carrots, onion, and what else was in that?

A trivet.

A vegetable trivet.

A trivet.

That's what you call it.

This is the first time you've gone real children's author.

Come on, you've heard trivet.

I haven't heard trivet.

Max, have you ever heard trivet?

I've worked really hard to become the most middle-class English person I could ever be.

And that's why I use words like trivet.

I can't make up words.

I have never heard trivet.

It's like a layer.

Is what you're saying?

A layer of veg.

It's a layer of veg, but some people have a trivet that's not veg.

They have like a thing, like an actual thing.

Oh, so you just sort of raise the chicken, to raise the chicken.

To raise the chicken.

So you're not going to eat these veg.

They're just there to...

Oh, no, you eat the veg.

Oh, okay.

Because they soak up all the chickeny juice.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, okay.

So I did onions and carrots.

Now, because I'm trying to disengage, consciously uncoupled from potatoes, which is really sad because obviously I love them.

They let my people down badly in the past.

I know they have.

I know.

It's a tricky subject.

So I'm not making a whole tray of roasties, but because my son loves potatoes, I'm like, I'm going to just peel and put some potatoes in.

They're not going to be crispy roasties, but what they're going to do is they're going to be like smooshy, kind of chicken juicy, lemony, lemony garlic potatoes, right?

So I do the layer of veg, garlic, fresh rosemary.

What you put on the skin?

Did Do you rub a bit of butter on or throw olive oil and salt?

Any of that?

Yesterday I did olive oil.

So I just a bit of olive oil and some sprinkled some sea salt and then some.

Yeah, this is good.

This is good stuff.

Is this going to go down well with the list?

I think so.

I think so.

Getting some butter and shoving it under the skin and rubbing it is the...

Of course.

And if it was a Sunday, I would have been making a nice like garlic and thyme butter.

I would make that and I would lift it under the skin.

Correct.

And it it would melt and it would be delicious.

My other question, when you lift the say one and a half kilo chicken,

are your arms tired from beating up women early.

Tell you what, they were fine.

When I was at Raystead Animal Place,

I was still kind of euphoric.

You are correct.

By this point, because I've not just been cooking, in between the cooking, I've been running upstairs, doing some laundry, stripping a bed, going outside to clean a garden pod with like a hose i've just doing lots of jobs cleaning the kitchen floor my arms at this point are suddenly from like the hum of pain is now i'm like

hang on cleaning a garden pod max sorry we just need to go into this i'm sorry okay sidebar i don't have a big garden i've got a small garden but i inherited like this dome right it's this wooden from the crystal maze It kind of looks like that.

Richard O'Brien's will.

Was he dead?

It was, you get the crystal nose.

He's still in there.

He's still there.

I see.

Playing his harmonica.

Do you write in a, like, what's the?

Yeah, you can sit in it, write in it, reading it.

There's no internet.

My internet's bad down there.

So it's good if you want to get away from the old digital things.

You can make it into like a big bed so you can just lie in there and read.

It's just a relaxation pod.

Good thing is you can tell Sam to put the tagline on the boxing class.

It'll make your arms so tired you can't lift a chicken, which I think.

Yes.

That thing would get her some more, because she's lost four clients from class one to class two.

I'm worried about the business.

You're worried about the business.

I mean, I think it's okay, but I don't know.

But you know, I mean, pod, in terms of the pod, the canvas cover, right?

The canvas doorway.

Yeah.

I bought a new one last year.

The new one doesn't shut properly, okay?

Which I'm very annoyed about.

So I kind of rotated the pod to minimize animals going inside the pod.

Right.

And then the other day, I was like, Yeah, let's get the pod back in action.

I unzip the canvas fully.

Oh my god, I mean, inside was a speaking stoat that was playing a banjo, and you wrote down the lyrics and composed a book about.

I'm sorry, I'm not pacing about a stage in Edinburgh doing a searing, brave, one-woman show

about the perimenopause.

Is that what you want from me?

Would that make me a better guest?

Yeah.

What you're giving us is absolutely perfect.

I don't like how you skipped over all the trash talking you did of the other people at the boxing class.

I am going to fuck you up so badly.

Listeners, that didn't happen.

Anyway, I unzipped the canvas the other day, and it's just the stench of stale fox and cat wheat.

Overpowering, lots of spiders.

Just generally, it's a bad scene.

So I had to, yesterday, I had to go out there.

In between all the other activities, I'm going out there with the white vinegar, baking soda, and then waiting for it to dry.

Then once the chicken's in the oven, go out again, get the hose, do a jet water.

Like all that crap is going on.

Couldn't you just say to the people coming to stay, just don't go in the pod?

Yeah.

You know, when you start a thing, you have to see it through.

And there was like pissy cushions and pissy blankets that I've had to carry inside and soak in enzyme cleaner in the bath.

This was all going on in between all the stuff yesterday.

Like, oh, check the blankets in the bath.

Has the enzyme cleaner worked?

Does it still smell of fox piss?

Meanwhile, your son has edited every Arsenal goal in history together in this time.

Yes, this was the shape of my life yesterday.

I, and I was by the time dinner was ready, like and we sat down to eat like 7:30-ish, I was weak and tired.

And you had rabies,

okay.

So, what happens after dinner?

So, after Dindin's, we were gonna watch Paddington 3 on Netflix, but I'm so achy and tired at this point that I have to say to my child, Look, Paddington is shelved for this evening.

Okay, I have to have a bath

because I'm so achy suddenly.

Yeah, I love a bath.

You love bath time.

So, I go up and I have a really austere austere bath because sometimes I have like a nice bath.

I love like posh bath oils or soapy things and light a candle.

This is not that kind of bath.

This is like an austere bath.

Two inches deep.

Yeah, like it's the Second World War.

No, it was like painfully hot and Epsom salts.

So nothing to colour the bath.

No suds.

It's just like, get in.

This is for your muscles.

I've tried the Epsom salts, but I am worried the liquid, the solution will go up my butthole.

You want it to.

It's good for your butthole.

Dry me out like a chicken though.

But I know, but what if my various orifice, orify, just pull in like the 20 liters of salty water?

It won't do that.

Trust in the Epsom.

It's really good for your areas, right?

It's good for the crevices.

My areas are fine.

My areas are fine, but I'm just saying.

I don't have a bath, so I couldn't tell you the last time I had it.

What?

I'm contractually obliged to ask.

how do you enter the bath?

It might seem like an obvious question, but we do have to ask.

No, I'm always wary.

As someone who occasionally lives alone, you know, when my son's not around, I'm hyper-aware of the dangers of getting in and out of the bath incorrectly.

I'm a bit of a catastrophist.

So I'm having a thought.

Then there'll be another thought behind it.

But the thought behind that is always, you could slip and die.

Right.

So lovely bath.

Number one, I hope I get the temperature right.

Number three, I hope I don't slip and die.

Slip and die.

Sound like the chicken just lying in this cold pool.

On a trivet of rubber ducks.

No word of a lie behind everything.

About three thoughts back is you could die.

So in which case, are you lying on the floor naked and then you crawl up?

Crawl in.

So you know, you stick as close to the bath as possible because that is probably the safest way.

I don't do that.

So, okay, I disrobe.

Then I have a roll-top bath

because I'm that kind of guy.

So I hold both edges

with my hands.

Because it's a freestanding flake adventure.

It's a freestanding flake adventure bath.

Okay, right.

So I hold both sides first.

With your legs on one side.

You're not straddling the bath.

No, no.

Yeah.

Okay.

No, I'm not.

My first image there was you were actually struggling.

You were holding the bath, but your feet were standing on the high one end.

You were about to launch you know the way ships are launched when they smash a bottle of champagne against it you were just gonna drop down into it or like the olympics you know when they're doing the luge yeah

and they jump in the guys who are pushing it at the end

i always feel scared for those guys at the back you know it's like the bobsleigh or whatever and they're the people at the back and you're like get in get in and i would so not get in in time or i just get one foot in and be dragged down the course.

Right.

So you're holding both sides of the bath.

Both legs are on one side of the bath.

Both sides.

And then I very slowly but confidently pick up one leg and plant it with great deliberation in the bath.

And then I focus.

I focus on the foot that's in the bath and the two hands.

And I go, guys, you're steady in the ship as I elevate my left leg up and into the bath.

So then I'm crouching in the bath.

I lower myself to a crouch and then I can trust myself to just gently sit down.

Yeah.

And then I can release the hands and unfurl the leg.

Beautiful.

Round of applause.

Standing of action.

That's how I do it.

That's how I do it.

Really lovely.

And I think it's normal to have that much thought into how you get into the bath.

Interesting.

So I have only once had a go of my mum has, but she is a bit arthritic, played international sport in her younger years.

And so she has a cushion that inflates or deflates.

You get in and you sit on it like you're in a on a bar stool.

And you hit the button and the cushion starts to deflate and lowers you into the water.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

Which is pretty cool.

But when you're getting out again, you're like, it's time.

And you push the button and your arse just magically starts to rise up like you're being called into heaven, pulled pulled in by the angel

have you used it i used it once i don't like the sound of the elevation yeah well i'll take it up with my mother i'll

nadia says she shouldn't use this boob it's too weird what did your mum play my mum played tennis and hockey for ireland in the early 60s that's very cool that is cool stips a generation i guess

Oh my goodness.

Yeah.

And what's nice about with the hockey lot in particular, they remember their ex-players.

And so she'll get invitations to matches sometimes.

Oh, that's lovely.

Kind of meet contemporary Olympic players where mum will be like, go out there and give them hell.

You know?

I was going to say hockey.

I mean, both those games, there's a level of aggression and also bravery.

to both of those.

Yeah, that's what I bring to this podcast, I feel.

I've channeled all of those skills into asking people how they get into baths.

I'm not sure how brave tennis players are, you know, in the world of

elite sport.

But those,

you can get hit really hard.

Yeah, but the tennis ball.

I think there are.

I mean, I just don't think it's in the top five.

Cricket's braver, right?

Cricket's braver.

That's a harder ball coming at you.

Yeah.

I also feel...

It was a different year.

I can't imagine my mother like smashing a racket or like returning balls to one of the ball boys or ball girls being like not good enough.

You know, I think it was a more ladylike era of a lot of handshakes.

And was that in or was that out?

You know, I don't think it was the sort of ball-breaking tennis that we imagine.

A bit more genteel.

Okay, so we get out of the bath.

Get out of the bath, get into, I like a fluffy dressing gown, so I get into my fluffy dressing gown.

And then I go to my bedroom and I lie on the bed and feel nice for a few seconds.

Then everyone likes to pile into the bedroom, by which I mean all three cats and my son.

They all like to come into the bed with me and

hang out.

We decide to lie in bed and watch some telly.

All right.

And

I'm a bit nervous about confessing this, but I'm going to be truthful.

Okay.

Oh, here we go.

About what we watch, because some people might say, she lets her child watch this, but I'm afraid.

Again, what happens if you're an only child with a single parent is that, you know, there's not that much.

You kids go off and watch that and I do that.

You kind of end up meshing.

I've got him kind of addicted to Married at First Sight Australia.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

No, don't apologize.

It's teaching him.

Well, I get to commentate quite a lot and go, and this is toxic masculinity.

Surely it's teaching him to never go on reality television.

Yes.

That show is so ridiculous.

It's really ridiculous.

I mean, I have to say, he has also played Minecraft, right?

So his main focus is on Minecraft.

Okay.

there's this one bit where each person is given photos of all the other people and then they have to rank them in how attractive they are right and the boys always it up like some boys are smart enough to go you're my wife you're number one and then some are like yeah look i really want to do this fairly so like i've got you in fourth

below shiobon

Heidi and Mary.

Yeah, because I just think like conventionally they're just better looking than you are.

I mean, you want me to to be honest, don't you?

You want to be honest.

But I'm pretty for life.

You're like, oh,

I mean, there's no way of winning that task, is what I'm going to say.

Because there was one guy this year who did that, but he went like overboard with slagging off the other wives.

Yes, I should say.

He was like, yeah, she's...

got terrible eyes and dah she's not for me and the woman was watching going you're horrible you're just really being mean to all these women it's a stupid task but i enjoy it i hope no one's ever said i have terrible eyes eyes.

There's no way, but he actually said crazy eyes.

He actually said crazy eyes.

Crazy eyes, yeah.

Yeah.

Then when it finishes, he has to go to sleep.

I then read a little bit.

I look at my phone.

I try and read the internet for a little bit before bed.

People say it's a bad way to go to sleep is to stare at your phone and read about the bleakness of the world before bed.

But I always like to do that just to keep.

It's like a telescope, except it goes up to your ear.

And instead of the stars, just pure sewage flows into your brain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'll be honest, I was double screening a bit during Married at First Sight, Australia.

I think it's a show that you're allowed to do.

You're allowed to.

So I'll be looking up and they're having a fight about someone.

And then I look down and it's about the stock market crash.

Or, you know, that kind of thing.

So I'm kind of flitting between the two.

Did you read either The Summer I Robbed a Bank by David Adardi or Danger is Everywhere by David Addaherty?

So I've heard that both those books are terrible.

No, do you know what?

My son actually read Dangerous Everywhere and he liked it so much I had to buy, even though I know you, I had to go out and buy books two and three.

Thank you.

So what are you reading?

I'm reading a book called Foster Dade Explores the Cosmos.

And I'm reading that on my Kindle.

It was recommended to me.

I'm enjoying it so far.

Have you read The Secret History by Donna Tarte that came out about 20 years ago?

No.

But I mean, the last book I read, it took me a year to read.

And it's like, it's not because it's not a good book.

I enjoyed it.

It took me a year to read The Thursday Murder Club because I have small children and I just have time for.

Max, you're officially

allowed to not read for like the next five years.

You've got five years, Grace.

I'll catch up.

Yeah, so I'm reading that, but I confess I was so tired.

I was very quickly tired.

So I read like two pages.

That'll be Max's.

Max reads every book like it's Finnegan's Wake by James Joyce, where he just reads one paragraph and just ponders the meaning of of his part of the old folks home and Thursday murder club and then just cogs out.

One Jack Reacher book took me half a decade and I was like do you know what I am kind of at your pace Matt to be honest also if you're like you're an author you're surrounded by books all the time it's like give me a break

give me a break

so I shut my Kindle down after a couple of pages and then I've developed a habit where I can't sleep in silence.

ABBA?

Is ABBA greatest hits?

They actually come in.

The holograms come in to

I would love ABBA Greatest.

It'd get me too excited.

Yeah.

I sin quite a lot of ABBA during the day.

Do either of you have pets?

No.

So when you do have pets, I find that I sinned lots of songs, but I adapt the lyrics to them.

Oh, great.

Okay.

Yeah, I do that with the kids.

One I'm doing a lot at the moment is my cat's pitle and moose.

I sin knowing me, knowing you, but knowing pitle, knowing moose.

Okay.

I do that quite a lot.

This isn't going to get you to sleep.

No, sorry.

So I don't put ABBA ABBA on.

I put like an audiobook on or a podcast.

Usually, at the moment, I don't.

Did you do yesterday?

No, because that's too exciting.

It's too interesting.

Oh.

I either go soothing history, like a soothing kind of history pod.

What were the soothing years of history?

You've got to be careful.

You can't do like the third right.

Like you have to be like picky with it.

You can't just do anything.

Corn laws.

Corn laws is probably silly enough, isn't it?

Or, and this is, again, paints me in a terrible light, or I do like a kind of meaningless, waffly, kind of self-helpy podcast.

So what you've got to do is just embrace your, you know, that kind of thing.

Yeah.

I'm asleep in seconds.

Right.

And then you're asleep.

I fall into a dreamless sleep.

And that's it.

And that's it.

The day's over.

That is a busy day.

You've done a lot.

You've achieved a lot.

Not all my days are like that, but that was a very busy day.

So many animals.

Lots of animals.

so much of it was just boring domestic tasks like bins I didn't even go into the bins I didn't even go into the robot litter tray I had to clean we didn't even get into floor mopping hang on a second tell us just let's finally because it you know as always we've recorded longer than five hours yes but could you just tell us a bit about the robot litter tray So because I'm now a house of three cats, I don't want to become, as it is, I'm now cat woman, but I don't want to become cat woman that stints of pierce or right like don't go to nadia's house that stints of cat yeah yeah yeah but i really still want friends to come around so i paid more than is sensible for this robot litter tray amazing but it's worth it it's amazing okay so it's like a dome with an entrance that the cats can hop into wow do they have to ring a bell no no no they can just hop into it whenever they want they do their business in the litter they hop on out there's a light sensor so it goes red if there's a cat in there like it's uh recording a voiceover or something

on air a neon on air light it's an on-air light but hang on what's the labor saving here because ultimately all you've got now is a shit in a booth as opposed to just

so the cat comes out and after a couple of minutes the sensor goes to blue it can sense that the cat's departed then do you know what it does it rotates it rotates

no it rotates

and now the cat litter the soiled cat litter, falls into a hatch with one rotation.

Into the flat beneath.

Into like a bin beneath that you can't see, a concealed shit bin.

Wow.

And then it rotates back and all you're left with is clean.

odor-free litter ready for the next cat.

Wow.

It's so crazy.

It sounds like something that I saw in one of Leonardo da Vinci's sketchbooks.

You know, that was only 400 years later that people realized, ah, this is what he was designing.

Look, it's a bougie cat situation.

Sure is.

Can I just ask if one's in there and the red light is on?

Yeah.

Does another one wait patiently going on?

Yes.

The cue for the cats is...

They have to.

What's she doing in there?

For God's sake.

Comes out and says, I'd give it 10 minutes.

Give it 10 minutes, Moose.

I would.

That's exactly what happens.

That is what happens.

That's my life, Max.

It's my life.

And then it's a great litter trade, but every now and then the cats go in because their instinct is to dig to cover up their turd.

And I feel like saying to them, stop, you don't need to dig.

You don't need to dig.

Leave it.

But they don't understand English.

So they did.

And it means little bits of litter do end up falling on the floor outside.

So I would say, like, with all the stuff I was doing today, if you just pepper in amongst that 15 minutes of litter sweeping periodically, because I'll walk past and go,

and have to get the dust pan and brush and just sweep up.

Nadia, were you ever tempted just to get on all fours, get in there,

do your biz, reverse?

Imagine if you got trapped inside it.

Imagine that phone call to your son's school.

Can he come home?

Luckily, I had my mobile with me.

I'm trapped inside a futuristic AI captured dome.

I would not even, what you'd have to do is you'd have to squat and reverse into it.

And you'd have to make sure that your gum bum, that would be the only bit that could fit into the opening.

So the rest of your body would be outside.

So your balance, you'd have to hold on to something.

And I would be tempted to give it a go.

But I'll wait until you come and visit, David.

Next time you come to Brighton, come and have a go.

Maybe that's the reason why your third thought is always that, you know, I might die.

I might get stuck in a robot litter trade taking a shit and then have to ring the fiber again.

Or worse, I would hit my head on the edge of a nearby cabinet and I would be found pants down,

asked in cat litter tray, dead.

What a way to go.

If you're wedged in, just like I would definitely attend the funeral, but imagine the oddly shaped coffin that's there.

She died doing what she loved.

crying out the cat litter tray

do you know what though i always want i like if i died would i get like a line in the newspaper or would it be anything?

But if I died that way, it would be, aside from anything, it would be a public interest.

It would be Anne Finally.

It would be Anne Finally.

No one wants to go with an Anne Finally, though.

It wouldn't be Anne Finally, would it?

You'd win that award.

You'd be in the, you know, the

Darwin Awards.

Anne Finally is never...

A mother of one died tragically in her home in Brighton.

That's, you know, that's never Anne Finally.

And finally.

Well, it's...

That's the intro to us.

And she died tragically in Briden.

But we have the vid.

Hello, Love.

Hey, Nadia, thanks for coming on this podcast.

Thanks for having me on, even though I'm not a stand-up comedian or sports person.

Could be the new thing now.

Don't, don't, no, no, no, don't do that.

You've learned this is going to be the outlier.

You'll be like, remember when we tried it with Nadia?

Nadia, don't.

This was the best exposition of how to get into a bath that we have had.

And we've had many.

Great, great.

Yeah.

Well, no, thank you very much.

You know what?

I'll be honest with you.

I've really enjoyed the attention.

It's nice.

Well, we'll do it again tomorrow.

Please don't.

What a great day.

And like what great for us, David.

It proves the concept goes beyond comedians.

Yeah, exciting.

Also, for all my mocking of her living in a magical world filled with magical animals, there was quite a lot of magical animals in that episode, albeit leading up to a fantasy based on her own death stuck backwards in a robotic cat litter tray.

So that won't be a book.

I don't think there's any way even Nadia Shireen can't make that story into a delightful.

Mama got her ass stuck in the robotic cat litter tray.

Who's not buying that?

If you don't write it and she doesn't write it and my wife doesn't write it, I'm writing it.

If Roald Hall was still alive, what would we be writing?

Anyway, if you'd like to get in touch with the podcast, here is how.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudo yesterdaypod at gmail.com.

Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod.

And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

And if you didn't, please don't.

Thank you, David.

Let's do it again.

Let's do it for life.

Yeah, we'll do it for life.

And now we can talk to anyone.

So you listening to this, we could be coming for you next.

Thank you, David.

Thank you very much, Max.

Everything's so biz.

Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

Dog by the Bakery Door is a charming story of the magical things a little boy sees on a normal trip to get a coffee with his mum.

Perfect for newborns, three-year-olds, six-year-olds, all children.

Just google Dog by the Bakery Door.

Here's a review from my three-year-old son.

Dog by the Bakery Door.

I have this book.

Full disclosure: the author might be his mother and my wife, but even more reason to buy it.

She is to live with us and a baby 24/7, has sacrificed her career for my model.

So being an amazing mum to two boys.

Thank you, goodbye.