S2 EP13: Rob Beckett

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton.

And I'm David O'Daugherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello and welcome to episode We Don't Know.

We're still in series two and it's Rob Beckett today, David.

Welcome, David.

Hello.

You've never known what episode it is, and yet you begin every episode by announcing what episode it is or saying you don't know what episode it is.

Are you suggesting I should just need to refer to the fact?

Because it says it on the little pod app.

It says season two episode.

So I don't need to say it.

Email us if you know what episode this is.

Yeah, yeah, or if you care.

I don't think people care.

So yeah, Rob Beckett coming up.

Can't wait to speak.

We're just about to speak to him, David, aren't we?

You did parenting hell.

Yeah.

I feel there's a sort of contra podcast vibe to this where you went on that and talked about what a nightmare it was bringing children on long haul flights.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And now he's going to come on ours.

And

I don't know, what's he going to talk about?

Well, look, for the tape we have just done it

and it's a really good day i'd say it's the busiest day we've had so far can i also say that it's now 10 15 p.m in my shed in australia and i think i left the door open of the shed for a bit of the day there are so many tiny insects just crawling around the big light that lights me up but i didn't refer to them during the episode because it didn't it wasn't relevant Rob knows what he's doing, doesn't he?

He's Nick's, you know, he's done everything.

He's doing a world tour.

He's on every TV show.

He's not on every TV.

Is he not everyone?

Okay, no, you're right.

He didn't do going for gold and he wasn't ever on Watch Dog.

It's true, but apart from that.

Rest in peace, Henry Kelly.

Yeah, rest in peace, Henry Kelly.

He's just so Rob Beckett

on everything he's ever done.

That's why it's great to have him, Rob Becketing away on our podcast.

His tour, he'll be touring the world for the next year, I think, something.

Yeah, so if you are in the world, have a Google and find out the nearest place to go.

This is the sort of stuff we say if we're not handed a sheet with things to say.

My co-host says something like, if you're in the world, Google him and find out where he is in the world.

Hey, he's a lovely man.

And this is what he did yesterday.

Rob Beckett, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Thanks, mate.

That's so official.

We were having a little chat before, and then you went into pure presenter mode.

Yeah, happy to be here.

It's the thing about this guy.

This guy just has presenting in his bones.

He can present the shit.

Like, if you were a cop and you pulled him over, he'd start presenting as he did the drunk driving test.

He'd pass.

I mean, you could announce the death of a royal.

You've got that.

Me and David couldn't do that.

Yeah.

You've got that in the locker.

Yeah, yeah.

If I walk down the street with Jamie, you know, and she's just there thinking, walking to the cafe, and I'm walking down the street going, it's houses like these.

And she's just like, can you just give it a rest, Max?

And I'm saying, I'm just doing the news.

I can't help it.

Yeah.

That's great.

This is not about me and my broadcasting abilities.

This is about what happened to you yesterday.

Yes.

And it begins with this very simple question.

What time did you wake up?

So yesterday, it was a busy day yesterday.

Is that good for this show or not good?

A busy day?

Well, the issue is...

Well, I can't change it now no you can't the issue with a busy day is we spend a lot of time between maybe 6 a.m and midday and then we really have to race to bedtime but there'll come a time in the podcast where david goes interruption and you'll see my eyes glaze over

because we've been doing an hour and a half already and i'm thinking

but we can't change it's just how it always happens yeah no so i was up i think 20 past 6 a.m Okay.

Wow.

And this is high level peak performance lifestyle.

Is that what this is?

No, no, this is young children and we move too far away from the school.

So the school runs well long.

Wow.

That's what it is.

Okay, so is that an alarm?

Is that an alarm at six?

That is an alarm, but my wife gets up slightly.

Whatever time I set my alarm, she gazumps me and then is the hero somehow.

So like I've been trying to creep to the time she gets up at six.

And then, but I swear she used to get up at half six.

So when I started going 20 past six, it seems to get earlier.

So it feels like we're in a race to the bottom.

I don't have any children that I know of.

I have 18 bikes.

but helen gets up at seven o'clock as max well knows because i've said this many times yeah to book a space and a class at the local gym and i consider that to be the greatest injustice ever that's mad what space is she booking it's the community gym it books out at like two minutes past seven and they only open the booking lines at seven i hate it but i can't get back to sleep afterwards so then well i've just got a whoop so i'm now getting woke up by my whoop alarm have you got have you had a whoop what's what's that a whoop it's sort of like a fitbit thing that like tracks all your stress and also tells you when you're tired and tells you when you should go to the gym and when you shouldn't because basically i try to get fit but i quite like being told you're too tired to go which is what it does a lot so that i've got an excuse if i had that it would have just told me i'm tired since 1996 yeah no mine doesn't mine keeps telling me to go to sleep but i'm like when i can i go well i better because of the whoop so it's not actually i'm going to the gym less, but it wakes you up with a vibrate, which is quite nice.

Does it ever say, like, go for a pint?

You know what I mean?

Does it ever say, eat some crisps?

It doesn't like alcohol.

If you drink loads of alcohol with this on, it's sort of just like you see smoke coming out of it.

Like, your heart rate goes up.

You're not sleeping.

Your stress goes up.

It gets shit-faced as well.

That's what's good.

Exactly.

So I've been getting vibrated on my left wrist to awakening around 6.30.

About 6.20, I think it was yesterday, because we had a busy morning trying to get the kids out, and I was going off, which we will get to.

So,

slightly earlier start, but there's a constant battle in my house where I think we could get up at seven as a family and keep the momentum up and rush through breakfast, getting dressed, brushing your teeth, brushing your hair into the car to school.

Where my wife loses very much would arrive at an airport three days before the flight.

You see, what I've learned from doing this podcast, Rob, is you don't want an Ellis James situation whereby he is standing in a polyester tracksuit just in the bottoms, shouting at his kids as they eat bowls of Frosties, you're snatching defeat from the jaws of victory because he's, I think, left it a little bit later

and middle ground to turn into not a monster, but just like some relief PE teacher the school has brought in.

Yeah, there is a balance, but I feel like we get up a bit too early for the school run.

But then Lou does more of the legwork in the morning.

And if I'm not on tour i'll drive him in so it's a bit of a i can't really criticize she's doing that you're sort of a driver you just get out of bed and get into the car with a hat on and just wait well i do the school run but the real legwork in the school run is before you leave the house that's the truth of the matter do you when you sat in the car just send a text you know to the kids going your driver is here his name is rod well i sometimes go out and warm the car up for him

when it's getting a bit stressful i sometimes get the car warm that's the thing i do in the winter okay so at 620 your your whoops vibrated your wrist.

You're straight out or do you just like roll over again and just sort of like grimace?

No, I'm up and out.

And then normally, so I jumped in the shower.

No, I didn't jump in the shower.

Normally I jump in the shower because I need to get dressed to go down and go on the school run.

But this time, because I wasn't doing the school run, because I was going up to London separately for work, I went downstairs and...

let the dogs out, did the dogs food, made the coffees and helped the kids get their breakfast because I wasn't actually doing the driving.

Lou was.

So it's not normally my remit.

Understood.

But we were only interested in yesterday.

Yeah, yesterday.

So I got up and did all that.

So now in the Beckett household, are the dogs eating well now?

Are you like Pedigree Charm, which I imagine is, you know, what you want to, like given.

I don't know what they have.

I ate it though.

So they have these packets that arrive frozen and they go in the freezer and then you have to get them out to defrost them.

But then we always forget.

So they have to like pour the kettle on them to get them defrosted first thing.

Lou sticks it in the microwave sometimes and it fucking stinks and I hate it.

and it just makes me want to get rid of the dogs.

So I just like give it some cold.

Just give it some cold.

I'm not warming up dog meat.

I don't know what it's called, but Lou organises that.

But one of them's got a limp, so he's actually at the vets currently getting an x-ray

on his foot.

So I don't know what's wrong with him.

Do the dogs not wake you up?

Do they come up or are they in their own?

They're not allowed upstairs, the dogs.

Okay, and they stick to that?

They stick to that because I've got a disgusting bit of cardboard from a barbecue I bought two years ago at the bottom of my stairs that I'm supposed to replace, but I've had that there for years that's got dog claw scratches on.

So they're not XL bullies is what you're saying.

No, they're two whippets.

They're two whippets, but they're a bit too bouncy and all the kids' toys are upstairs.

So if they go upstairs, they'll chew and nick and break the toys.

My sister's dog, I used to mine my sister's dog sometimes.

And we won't go into it now, but I got punched in the face at a Chinese about 15 years ago and it knocked a tooth back.

So I had to wear a retainer on and off for what was that got to do with the dog about a year and a half the dog would enter the house and if i didn't have a shitty piece of cardboard from a barbecue or something across the bottom the stairs straight up just eat the retainer oh she'd eat the retainer right i got you whatever about the disgusting aroma that came off the retainer the dog would just be the second she hadn't been in the house for six months she'd be like oh yeah sorry i got your retainer again that's going to be 150 quid for you to replace that but not out of your mouth not like not like the little pot no i've left it beside the bed got it somewhat disgustingly but it's got a technical dog that could get in and get the retainer out remove it and chew it and then the dog would wear the retainer to get exactly my teeth that's how you know the dog today my dog does i hate sometimes if i like wake up and not had a shower yet and you're a bit stinky or whatever he'll come up and just sniff my ass and i'm like i know mate I know.

I've not had time for a shower.

Don't humiliate me like this.

Thinking about this, if you wanted to fake your own death yeah if you did have a dog that you didn't like or you prepared to dispose of the dog in the situation in the circumstances you could get the dog to have your teeth using the retainer and then it died in a way that it was only identifiable by its dental record

yeah and then you could escape the life that you hate it's just a thought yeah yeah i think i put that down with the missing kayak man that kind of a yeah yeah yeah but he didn't have that did he no that's what he that's where it goes retainers for dogs for people who want to fake their own death put it down as a business is it possible that the reason greyfriars bobby sat on the dead owner's grave for years was just waiting for his time to try and eat his retainer what i'm saying is never bury a body with a retainer thank you yeah okay so it's uh you've got the dogs what are the kids having They had toast yesterday.

They'd say buttered toast.

One had buttered toast and one had buttered bagel that she wanted to make herself.

Okay.

Because she's getting older older now and wants to do her own things.

So

she did a bagel.

Did they have tea?

Would they drink tea?

No, just water.

They just had chilled water.

And then they might have a yogurt and maybe some fruit after toast and bagel.

I never would have accepted water in the mornings when I was a kid.

They asked for water.

One has milk.

One has milk sometimes, but the other one always has water.

Wow, I think it was an unhealthier time.

It was definitely an unhealthier time, even though people look back on it, I think, as...

One second.

Are you in Australia, Max, or have you you got an alcohol problem

you can't just casually have a beer at 9 a.m.

and not address where you are

I just don't want people to talk about I was just like fuck me no wonder he wants to know what other people are doing he can't look at himself

it's two minutes to nine in the evening and fair enough I don't have a social life this is my social life now that's fine

to be a podcast just when I saw it I was like here we go I was gonna say this is lovely and I've got I've got another one if I'm having a great time.

A big a sahi can.

But we'll stop because I had three during the Kerry Godman episode, and by the end, it was really he was talking shit.

He was talking shit.

Like, Rob, we've already established he's a great presenter.

And then you're wondering, why doesn't he get the big gigs?

We've just seen the reason.

You can't do much in the day, and on the little coffee table in front of you, there's just three cans of a sahi sitting there.

It's a powerful beer the açahi as well.

We don't fuck about a sahi.

At the end, you're just going, Micah, do you give a shit?

No, no, seriously, lads.

This dog retainer thing.

Go to the lead table, Max.

No, no, trust me on the dog retainer.

It's really good.

No one cares where crystal palace are.

You're fine.

Okay, you dressed really.

How are you dressed here, Rob?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm covering the important topic of things I used to drink before school.

Oh, yes, okay, yes.

Sorry.

Yeah, my apologies.

I bet this is banned now, but my mum used to get squeeze or a synthetic concentrated orange juice in a fucking tin that you opened like beans and you poured it into water.

I don't know.

It was tougher in Ireland.

It was tougher in Ireland.

Concentrated fake orange juice.

And if you were to drink a little, you'd be like, I'll have a little sip of this.

And it was genuinely toxic.

It was like a hardcore Robinson squash, but in a tin.

Even more hardcore than that.

Okay.

Yeah.

Because I remember Sunny Delight.

That was a powerful drink when we were kids.

Yeah.

That was bad.

That was my equivalent of a tin of a sahi.

Yeah.

You wanna know what I'm wearing?

I wanna know what you're wearing.

Yeah.

What we're wearing.

So then I had a pair of just um jogging bottoms, like baggy jogging bottoms and a just a t-shirt, just a black t-shirt.

I had that are basically cozy laying around the house clothes that I wore before bed, and they were on a pile next to my bed like someone had been vaporised.

And then I popped them back on and it went down because I had a shower later on.

Got it.

And slippers.

A pair of UG Ugg slippers that I got from Australia that are cheap because they don't own the copyright to Ugg in Australia, do they?

Yeah.

There's a weird thing with Ugg where there's UG with three Gs or something.

Everyone's just making their own Ugg boots, but spelling UGG.

Well, no, I think you can call it the same, can't you?

I don't know.

Well, maybe slightly different spelling, but I think in the UK, you can't bring out like a sheepskin shoe that's got anything with UGG in it.

But in Australia, you can do what you want.

Because it's basically in Australia, it's the word for shoe, isn't it?

Essentially, you know, because it's like a farmer's shoe, isn't it?

It's a farmer's shoe in Australia.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay.

Max, you're supposed to.

How do you get out of the off-license and get to the shoe shops, mate?

I'm on my way.

I need to go to foot locker straight away or whatever it is.

Or a bottle shop, mate.

Yeah.

Okay.

So.

Ball-wise.

Is there anything significant happened between making their breakfast and the kids getting out and then you're free in the house?

My wife brushes her hair too hard.

She says it's the normal level of pressure.

The girls cry.

I think it looks like an assault that we argue about that because we have done for the last 10 years the girls look at me roll their eyes when she drags the knots out of their head and then she said well you should have conditioned it last night where's the detangle spray and i'm sort of running around going anything i can do to help because i'm aware i'm going away on tour for a few days a lot of hurry up get your teeth done come on do you need this they were also taking in a recycling project so at one point we had an old lady pool trolley thing that my daughter had put an old dress on and then put loads of old rubbish on on it to make it look upcycled.

That I had to get a black bindler liner on to put over the top, and then I had to take photos of her with it.

Then I put that in Lou's car.

And then the other one had this robot she made out of boxes and rubbish called and it had long hair called Robo Punzel.

We had to put that in the car.

Then they're getting their shoes on.

So it's a lot of do, do this, do this.

And I'm like the dog's body running around.

Lou's getting in the car and I'm trying to get the other bits and bobs.

And then essentially get them all in the car somewhere between eight, so it's 7:45 and 8 o'clock is the sort of departure, you know I like that the project was build robots out of rubbish well it's anything out of rubbish essentially right yeah yeah it's like one was a robot one was just a dress but she was using the trolley to hang it on okay seemed a bit extra but I didn't want to bring that up at 7 a.m so like a mannequin the trolley was a mannequin yes essentially that was the mannequin yeah so but that was put in the car along with I think a guitar for guitar lessons so it's quite a lot to get your head around before 8 a.m.

innit when the door closes, so they're all in the car.

Yeah.

And there's sort of this quiet just sort of like emanates.

Is that a wonderful

is that moment just like

is that the first time you exhale?

Do you exhale for the first time?

That is an amazing moment.

However, I was up against it clockwise.

So I didn't have that moment because I had other stuff to do for me to get out of the house on time because I had a cab coming at 8.35.

Ooh, okay.

Okay, talk us through it.

So then basically, I'd done a bit of the prep the night before where I packed my tour bag because I was going away on tour.

So I've got a tour bag of all the stuff I need for tour.

And then I had to get my clothes that I wear on stage.

And then I'd put them in my car the night before.

And in the morning, I packed a bag with my actual clothes I need for day-to-day because I was going away for five nights.

And then I packed all that up, put that in the boot of my car.

But I was getting picked up at 8.30 to go into London to do some work.

And then my tour manager was coming to my house to pick up the car to drive to Manchester.

And then I was going to meet him in Manchester.

But I loaded up the car with all my stuff so I didn't have to carry it on the train so I just took a backpack and then I was loading up the car and getting showered ready to

get in the cab at 835.

Oh Max, it would have been a lovely mix-up if he'd taken the school projects instead and then have to do the gig in a dress and just loads of rubbish and just not mention it.

Let Robo Punzel.

Got Robo Punzel.

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What I did do is I took my wife's, my wife's got a whoop as well, and I took her whoop charger charger by accident.

No, no, so she won't know when to wake up.

Your kids will just be in bed for five days.

She won't know when she's hungry, she doesn't know when she's stressed.

Most of the time, now I've got a whoop charger.

Then I had to order a whoop charger on Amazon to come for when I was away because I felt bad.

And I always feel guilty when I go away, so I'm sort of half dancing on the line of the doghouse.

Yeah, if a whoop tells you you're stressed,

does that make you more stressed?

Yes, so this is what happens with this.

I'm not like, by the way, I've had a whoop for about a month.

I'm not, this is not a brand deal.

I'm not being paid to wear this whoop.

I'm not advertising.

The podcast is brought to you by a whoop.

What I know about the whoop, one, it's got absolutely unobtainable levels of sleep that it wants your body to achieve.

Like 10 hours a night.

And it's not happening, mate.

So I looked at it the other day, went, go to bed now.

If you're waking up at 6.20 tomorrow, you need to go to bed now.

It was quarter to eight.

I was still tucking my daughter in.

I'm like, she's not asleep yet.

But what I've noticed with the whoop is, essentially, if you drink loads of booze, right?

And you don't exercise and you stay up late and don't sleep, it makes you tired and stressed, right?

I think think we all know that deep down.

We all know that.

The problem is, the whoop tells you this in cold, hard data.

So, what you find is every day on the whoop, it gives you your score out of 100, which is your recovery.

So, if you slept really well and not drunk, they say 80% and it will say, Try and go to the gym today or go for a run.

You're feeling good, you've got lots of energy.

Or, like it did after I went out on the piss at the weekend, I was on 16%, and it basically was like, Don't leave your house.

You're like a phone, you're like red on 16%.

Wow, so my mate come out from Cheltenham and 1% because he's got so much goodness.

But whoop doesn't know you're at the pub or like there's no way whoop is like, just lower me into whatever you're drinking here.

I'm going to have a little.

And then whoop's like, that's a

yeah, no, exactly.

So you can tell it if you want, but even if you don't tell it, it knows what you've been doing because your heart's fucked.

What I've noticed with the whoop is there's two types of people that get it.

You either get it and it tells you you're fucked and you go, all right, maybe I should drink a bit less or sleep a bit more.

Or you go, fuck this.

I don't want to know about this.

Ignorance is bliss.

Get off my wrist.

And then they crack on.

Question.

Yeah.

Where do you hide the car keys for the tour manager?

Oh, wow.

Answer.

He's got a spare.

Whoa.

Trust.

He's part of the family.

No.

No, okay, good on.

No, no, he's a good low.

No, yeah, he's a really nice guy, but he just has the spare.

He comes and grabs it and then he leaves his car at mine.

Max was taking note of all the crimes he can commit when he comes back to England next.

One of them would be checking inside the well just above the car tire on the front left-hand side.

Under the flower pot.

I'm quite fond of stealing Rob Beckett's car.

I've never stolen a car before.

Why don't I steal Rob Beckett's?

Make a start.

You can also, the car now, you can drive your car of an app.

Oh, like open the doors and everything with just the phone.

I can open the doors with it.

I don't know if I think I can drive with it.

So what?

If I'm stolen it, you could get on the whoop or the other app.

The whoop.

You could drive the car around.

I'd be in the car with it.

I don't need the actual key, I don't think, to drive it.

I've just used the key to get in it.

I think I can drive it with just my phone charged.

But also, I can, on my app for the car, I can see where the car is.

So, when he's got it, I can see where it's sometimes.

If I'm on the train, I try and see if he's on the motorway next to the train track.

Do you know what I once I was talking about on Talksport?

What I'd love is a little app that told you where all the footballers are and all their commutes going to training and them all going home, right?

And I was saying this on air, and Ben Foster, who was then playing, I can't remember who he was playing for,

he just sent me his live location.

So

we could just see him driving up the A1.

It was quite fun.

There's been a real switch around in my mind as regards your car because at the start of this, you said some days you went out just to warm it up.

So I was imagining it was like a 1981 Ford Escort.

Yeah, you had to pull out the chub and just sit there.

But then when you said you could drive it with an app, I was like, this is not a 1981 Ford Escort.

It's a BMW X7, my my touring car.

Wow.

So it's a big, like, six-seater one.

Does it have

your name on the side?

On your face.

I say my touring car, it's just like the family car.

Lou's got a little run around to do the score one.

This is like the one that we go to centre parks in.

I was once driving on a motorway in England, and a Peugeot, either 205 or 305, you know, solid mid-range

went past and it said Phil the Power Taylor on the side of it.

Nice.

And Phil the Power Taylor was driving it that's mental that's great yeah you don't need PR I'm not gonna go I'm not into dance hang on I've just seen a dance player's name on his car let's go and watch some dance like what what is that achieving

the question with the shower is yeah cold blast do you do a cold blast at the end no

I just like it nice and warm and yeah no cold blast but I used our

We've got an en suite that we've not been using for a little bit because there was a leak in the bathroom, but we've discovered the leaks from somewhere else.

So I used it for the first time in ages.

and then no water came out for a bit because obviously it gets all like lime scale isn't it because we've not been using it so I was like then having to clean the lime scale off and then get underneath it but I was just sort of rubbing it with my hand right not if you didn't use viacal or no I just literally got my hand and went over the little knobbly plastic bits of the shower

and then it unblocked I think I think I think I need to up my line scale sort of headspace.

I don't feel like I'm on top of my lime scale enough that I should be at home.

You need a whoop for a lime scale.

You need a whoop for a lime scale.

I did get the analytics on that shower.

Did it feel nostalgic to get in that shower?

Have you hadn't been there in a while?

Yeah, do you know what I went?

This is a great shower.

This is a great shower.

And I've actually missed it because I've been going downstairs.

We've got like a little

shower downstairs.

I was using that little one and I thought, I don't mind it, but it's always that gauntlet running up the stairs in like a dressing gown.

And it always feels a bit like you're doing something north.

Just in case your tour manager's there.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's come early for the car, and I'm running up the stairs.

We knock out because I forgot to tell.

When I moved into this house, this is going to make it sound fancier than it is.

There was a plastic jacuzzi type bath, just a regular bath, but it had holes in the bottom of it for a jacuzzi.

So the first thing I did was heated up the water and then filled the bath.

I love a bath and sat in it with my finger just hovering over the jacuzzi button.

Here we go.

Here we go.

So I hit the button.

Oh no.

First use.

Yeah.

So the water had obviously been sitting in the pipes for the six months that no one had been living in this house.

So what came out was kind of tomato juice colored liquid.

And because it was accompanied with like,

I actually thought I was neutra bulleting my legs.

Like you actually look down and you think it's liquidizing your bottom half.

That was fucking fucking bleak.

I do think the hot tub is overrated.

You want a hot tub that's in constant use.

Do you know what I mean?

Like a hot tub at like the gym, if you go to like a David Lloyd, is good because every day it's on.

There's people there, it's cleaned.

There's people in and out all the time.

So it's like they're on top of it.

Whereas once, you know, when you go to like sort of like a hotel or and there's like one in the corner and they go, is that a hot tub?

You're like, yeah, if you want, you know, and then you like lift it back and it's like this film on top.

You're like, nah, leave it.

All right.

So you've showered.

Have you had any breakfast yourself?

Did you have toast when the girls?

No, I didn't.

I skipped breakfast.

Did the whoop tell you to do that?

No, I was in a bit of a rush, and I've come back from India last week.

Okay.

I've had quite a delicate stomach.

Do you want to say delicate?

I've been shitting water for four days.

How many coffees have you had?

No coffee.

Normally would have a coffee, but I can't risk the coffee until I know that I'm getting in a cab and getting on a train.

So with the belly I've got.

Well, now it's, I would say I'm onto diarrhea now a week in okay so I've moved up to diarrhea so I'm happy with that.

Maybe it's dysentery.

I went to Goa and got dysentery

dysentery is really heavy shit.

So how long did that last for?

Well I was working at the BBC and had a week's holiday to take and I was just going to do some admin around the house somewhere I can go to Goa direct.

So I thought all right so I just got on a plane went to Goa and it was six weeks before I was doing the marathon and my recommendation would be don't get dysentery six weeks before the marathon.

Not because you're going to, you know, it just takes out any energy that you had.

It was really, really bad training for it.

Don't say that to this man.

He's possibly got the start of dysentery.

I'm mid-dysenter.

And you're fine.

The thing is, people used to die of it all the time in like the 80s.

Right, okay, mate.

But now you're okay.

You'll be fine.

I feel like I'm on top of it now, but back to yesterday, I didn't have coffee because I wasn't confident in what I could hold in anymore.

Max, did you have to talk enthusiastically about Crystal Palace's transfer speculation while dying of dysentery.

No, I didn't actually.

I just

had dysentery.

I had to fly back from India with dysentery.

You're flying back from India.

I mean, the worst I ever had was in Tanzania.

Wow.

Just go Tenerife or something.

Yeah.

You're doing this.

He's the David Attenborough of shitting.

I was in Zanzibar, right?

I was on Zanzibar.

Endangered diseases to come out of his arse.

I was on Zanzibar, right?

And I was there with about three friends and they all got the run straight away.

And I was like totally fine.

I was drinking the water, eating the salad absolutely great and then the day we had to leave and like fly across the country was when my stomach just disappeared and so we had like an hour on like in a mini bus on a bumpy track to the airport and then i was just like i was totally broken and like anytime we stopped i had to just run into a bush and then we had like an hour and a half flight on one of these tiny planes I remember like like, so I went to the toilet just before the flight and again.

And then as we get in the plane, as I'm walking in, because I was like, will this have a toilet?

I don't know.

It's like a 20-seater.

And there was a little door that said toilet that sort of went up to about here.

And I was like, Oh, great, you're gonna duck in, close the door, go to the toilet.

I was like, Fine.

So, literally, we take off, and then I'm like, Okay, I've got to go.

So, I open this door, and it's not a door, it's a cupboard.

And there's a bucket, there's a curtain, a bit like you know, you're just trying on a t-shirt at Top Man.

And literally, when you took the bucket out of the cupboard, you were basically next to the people sitting in the bucket.

Oh, no, you didn't.

I just sit on that bucket for an hour.

Oh, my God.

It feels the same as what I had.

I would be worried the smell would force the pilot to crush the plane.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So

have we left the house?

We're heading into London.

That's what happened.

Yeah, so I've got my bags ready.

I've loaded the car up.

The taxi arrived.

I jump in the taxi to the station.

Rob, just one very important thing here.

This is a very military precision operation.

Yeah.

Do you keep it going up there?

Or do you have, are you one of these guys with a little book where you're like, this is the order of action today?

All in my head.

Sometimes I'll put, if I get an email, I'll put it in the calendar, like pick up at whatever time.

But I think that's part of my dyslexia where I can just have it all in my head because I can never get it out of my head and written down.

And then when I write it down, I never, it doesn't go in.

So it's just, it's a skill I've sort of learned over the years to have.

So all of it's just in my head, floating around.

X-Men shit.

That's it.

X-Men shit.

How long's the journey to the station, please?

15 minutes drive to the station.

And then I jump on like the, that's like a 25 30 minute train to charing cross do you do anything on the train listen to anything on the train so i got there and the train i was well early for the train i was aiming for so i actually got the delayed one before but it was very busy on the platform so i walked right up to the top of the uh train and i got on and i put my headphones in i get in a corner head down and play bubble shooter That's my technique for the train.

You play what, excuse me?

Bubble shooter.

Is that three of the same colour and they all disappear?

Yeah, and it is the most addictive game ever.

It's not a very well-known game.

It's so hard.

I've played it now for eight years, okay?

In the eight years, there's an easy mode, which I can complete at will.

Yeah?

Oh, well done.

The hard mode, guess how many times I've won it in eight years?

Never.

Once.

Once.

Oh, wow.

About three months ago, and I was on the tube and I genuinely fucking celebrated like I scored a last minute winner in the FA Cup.

I was fucking

eight years.

Every commute, I don't actually think it's designed.

It's quite a low-fire game.

I don't think it's actually designed for you to complete it and get all the bubbles off.

It's how many points can you get before it goes down.

But I've never been interested in the points.

I just want it cleared.

And I did it.

And fuck me, it felt good.

It's wild.

So I have a...

I don't play computer games.

I've just, it's never really interested me.

But on my phone is one game that I think I downloaded in about sort of iPhone 9 era that just keeps updating which is called Stack which is it's a large pile and sliding they're like trays come towards you you have to land them perfectly on top of each other I play it on every flight ever for podcast I don't do that I do that yeah no interest in other computer games but for some reason this almost doesn't count as a computer game.

It's just a thing that I need to do for my mind.

It's good for my mind.

Also as well, it's quite good to avoid eye contact that may lead to a 30-minute chat on a train for me because, you know, when you've done a bit of telly, they want to, people do like to have a chat, which is fine if it's every single journey.

Some mornings, after that busy morning, I don't want to get into it about what Jimmy Carr's like.

Do you know what I mean?

When you said

you went up the front of the train, for a moment, I imagined it's just you and the driver sitting in that tiny little car.

Yeah, maybe I should ask about that.

But well, at the moment, it's more stressful because I'm not doing this show called Last One Laughing on Amazon and they have gone mental with a promo and at my local station is a poster of me I would say like bigger than I've seen for a Tom Cruise Mission Impossible.

It is fucking insane.

Honestly, my head is as big as like a four-bedroom house staring at me while I'm waiting for the train.

It's the trigger happy TV thing where there's a sign that says, have you seen this man?

And he is standing in front of it asking people questions.

Because also as well, you're like, I just want, you know, I'm just a guy that wants to be left alone on the train.

And I'm like, yeah, like the fucking little kid mugging it up for the money and the camera.

Obviously, I never got to a billboard level, but like...

Well, they've revited about a week ago and Amaz Bezos got involved.

Like three times I'd join a gym to walk into the gym to be shown around the gym and like soccer AM, the best bits would just be on every fucking telly.

And I'd be really trying to sort of look away.

It's just terrible.

I met Alan Carr once in Sydney when he was out touring and I was out touring and we went for a drink and it was just like the nearest pub that was open late next to the hotel in Sydney.

We went in there, and it was like a weird sports bar.

They had screens on, and we went and sat down.

The only two people in there, we sat down in front of this telly that was just on by chance because there was tellies everywhere.

We sat down drinking, and then the barmaid came over, and then on her telly behind us was eight out of ten cats does countdown with both of us on it,

and it looked fucking bananas.

Like you'd staged it, like you'd staged it.

Maybe you need to take a leaf out of Jeff Bezos book, Rob, and get a poster with your face on it and just a description of what Jimmy Carr is like above it to then know what just be like, he's actually different to how he is.

He's actually a nice guy, really nice guy.

Just loves gigging.

Really nice guy.

Family man.

When you're on the train playing a game, how like hidden are you?

Are you desperately?

Yeah, it depends.

If the thing is, if I'm not working a lot and I'm quite well rested and I'm not busy, I will

straight off.

If the whoop tells you you're okay for

interaction.

No, I am.

So on holiday, if I'm well rested, I'm that annoying bloke that ends up having a mate and lose like oh are we mates with them i'm like they're all right i am naturally that person but obviously because my job is i'm gigging five nights a week doing shows you lose that that energy to chat and engage with people does dwindle and the battery runs out so like when i'm not working i am that chatty guy so if i'm not working that much i might have the headphones out i'll be looking around at the train having a chat but if i'm knacking i'm like right i've got a busy day today because like this day that we're still going through i had to do a pre-record of a show and then do my actual tour show in the evening So I was like, I need to reserve some energy here because I've got to do two hours of performing later.

So it's like, it's trying to reserve energy so I'm still up for it later on.

So what are we in London for then, Charing Cross?

We're in London for my, well, I used to do it.

I've just finished doing it now, Radio 2 show on a Sunday afternoon.

I'm gigging on the Sunday.

So it was a pre-record of my final show.

So I went into BBC to pre-record that.

And then I was taking the team out for a bit of lunch before I went up to Manchester.

So that's why I'm in town.

interestingly because rob's conserving energy for the gig that night he doesn't ask anyone any questions or talk to anyone so it's an entirely silent lunch everyone's sat around a table who's playing bubble bubble yeah i've got bubble shooter on you talk amongst yourself while we wait for the food i'm playing bubble shooter now i'm guessing radio 2 right they don't want you to be honest about the fact it's a pre-rec so it'll sound as live there's no yeah so we don't say this is a pre-rec we We don't go, I'm here now on Sunday.

So you're a bit more loose.

That's the weird sort of radio thing where you don't want to be obvious, but you can't lie.

But obviously, because I'm, you know, away touring on a Sunday, I couldn't do it live.

So I pre-recorded it and did it as live.

But yeah, we did that like 10 till 12-ish.

And did you, did you play the songs?

You played all the songs?

You did it like just press go or do you?

No, the start and the end, but

if we're up against the clock, I know what cold play sounds like, mate.

You'll remember lunch with Max on BBC Radio Cambridge here in 2000.

Absolutely.

And I was moved from Saturday breakfast, and I was a bit annoyed about it because I was living in London.

I was working for BBC in London and had to go back.

So I said, but why I pre-rec every other week?

So I'd do one live Saturday and then the other I just go up on a Thursday and pre-record it.

Yeah.

But I would do things like, Chris has been in touch to say it's very busy heading into town.

Just so you know, like...

Because it's always busy driving since the middle of Cambridge.

So I was like, you're not allowed to do this.

You can't do this anymore.

Well, do you know what I also found?

I also found, you know, when you're driving and then the travel news comes in really loudly from another radio station and you're like just go away you know you know you're driving it maybe it doesn't happen anymore but it used to happen i found out at radio cambridge that we controlled the button oh and so i did this bit where i'd be like we control the button for the travel news that will go into loads of radio it's a great way to get audiences so we'd either press the button and say i'm really sorry if you're listening to radio two or radio one but we're at radio cambridge it's a good show like give it a try or you just press the button and go watch out

And that was really, you got, I got in a lot of trouble, I didn't realize you weren't allowed to do that.

I think they should get rid of news and traffic on the radio.

I think if you want to know the news, listen to the news, like Shack Show, talk show things, right?

If you're really into news, right?

Or everyone's got a phone, you can find out news.

What's serial killers waiting for the radio on the hour to tell you that a road in Glasgow shut and you're living in Kent?

Just get on sat-nav or it's mental, yeah, and then like you're trying to have a bit of fun and then it goes into a horrific news story or like some traffic stuff i think it's bullshit also the other trick for radio is when they go we need another feature for this bit i always go play another song no one's ever complained to radio 2 that you've played the beatles again it's just god so easy innit so easy just play another song stuck on all speech radio we need another link do we the beatles exist give them a mash you see max doesn't like this rob talk sport whoever i just to max we need someone to talk for the next two hours can you just talk about football generally?

And Max is just like, football, the people's game, played by millions.

And he's, wow, he's been at this speech.

That speech about car companies.

I felt a good phoner for a talk sport show, Max, the other day.

It's a bit off topic.

And it will wind up Tottenham fans, which is always good value.

Me?

Okay.

Yeah.

Are you a Tottenham fan?

It's tough at the moment.

And me, and me.

And he says, well, is it harder?

to win the Carabao Cup than the new Europa League now that the Champions League's got bigger?

Discuss.

That's the sort of phoning that if a producer said to me, I'd say, give that to some other show.

I'm not doing that rubbish.

As at Alkmar, mid-table Dutch League, you've beat them, what are you in the quarterfinals?

Yeah.

That's an easier route so far.

I don't disagree.

Come on.

It's just Liverpool ain't in it.

Liverpool ain't in it.

When other shows are doing, who's the bigger club, Liverpool and Man United again?

Yeah.

And I'm just there going, I can't.

No, but this is a new one.

Because Champions League's got bigger and all the good clubs have gone out.

What's harder to win?

Try it on Saturday.

What's the bigger achievement?

Newcastle winning it or Tottenham winning the europa the tuttler fans will go fucking meddling i'll do the rob beckett phone in i'll do the robot i genuinely think it's harder to win the carabail cup than it is the europa league now that the quality of the europa league's drop i'll try it on saturday and we'll see how it goes Good, I needed some material.

I haven't got an idea, but here's Rob Beckett's phone in.

It's a bit football for us, but we'll give it a try.

It's normally when I name a team, what jersey sponsor are you thinking of?

We got Peter on line seven.

We got Sharp View Cam.

We got Brian.

Dreamcast.

Wang, here we go.

Right, okay.

So, we've had the lunch, that's nice.

You take them out for lunch, a good team player.

Whoa, whoa, how upmarket is the place?

You take them to Leon?

No, I've took them to a fancy lunch because I want to say thank you for all their hard work.

But there's a bit of a caveat to the fancy to a rocker in Charlotte Street, which is like a Japanese sushi place.

Very fancy,

two words: group on.

You've got a group on lunch menu.

Well, can we go a la carte?

Nah, wouldn't have thought so.

How big's the team?

How big's the team?

So there's only three of them, so it was four of us.

It wasn't a massive, massive.

It was a lovely meal.

Also, it's really nice.

It was nearby.

But the lunch menu is good there.

Okay, that's good to know.

What did you have?

They had cocktails.

Yeah.

I had a Coke Zero because I was working.

We had the set menu and it was something like, I can't remember what it was.

I mean, it was a bit pricey, but it was a nice, no, thank you lunch.

But you got like a a bit of sushi, you got some

spinach shit, then you picked some main, and it was like black cod or beef and lamb.

But we got one of each and shared.

And one of the guys were vegetarian, so they did go a la carte, which was fine.

Obviously, I said it was fine.

It's absolutely fine.

I hope at the end, did you say you owe me 18?

No, no, no.

And then they had a couple of cocktails to go back to work.

You know, it was very nice, and it was nice to say thank you because they're such a great team.

I love doing the show.

I just, I was so busy because it's Sunday afternoons.

It was just too much with the tour and the kids.

So something I had to give.

Did you deliver a speech?

You know, was there a nice moment where you stood up and you took 16 A4 sheets out of your pocket?

No, I'm not very good at that.

I said thank you and, you know, for all the hard work, but I'm not a, I'm not a very sentimental

because I've always moved, I've never had a proper job for ages, so I've always moved about a lot.

You know, some people work at some place for 20 years.

I've always only ever been anywhere.

My longest job's probably Celebs Go Dating, doing the voiceover for that on E4.

I'm like 10 years deep into that.

And especially with the Radio 2 thing, I probably will go back and do some cover and some podcasts.

So it's not like a proper goodbye type thing.

In the same way, the littlest hobo was never sentimental.

You can't.

Or Jack Reacher.

You're like the Jack Reacher, littlest hobo of broadcasting.

No, exactly.

Well, I think, you know, it's nice to be, you know, I'm very much more like, it's good to move on and change things up.

I'm not a big fan of stands anywhere too long, doing anything the same for long.

Sends me a bit mad.

That's good when I think I've been doing that Sunday show for 12 years.

Yeah, but if you like it, you like it.

Yeah, like that.

There is an intensity to what we do though, whereby, you know, I've done a week in a venue and where you're the same tech has listened to your show over and over.

I feel we have an unbreakable bond and we will be brothers for life.

And obviously I never see them again, but there's a moment where we hug the last time on stage.

Thank you for everything.

Yeah.

Give me your number if you ever need, and then just we never speak again.

But it is still.

There's an intensity to it.

Some things are.

I remember when I was in Adelaide, a lovely family looked after me.

Like they come to a show and I was out there on my own and I was skinned.

I had kids at similar age and they were like, I'll come around for a bit of a barbecue and stuff like that.

And because I spent three weeks with it, they sort of turned into family.

And it was very like, I always see them when I go to Australia, when I'm going next year.

So that's nice.

I'm not a completely cold-hearted bitch, but I try and be...

put a positive spin on stuff rather than being too down about it.

Will we have a, I mean, depending on what the whoop allows, when you come to Australia, will we have a cup of tea?

Absolutely.

Where do you live?

Melbourne.

Yeah.

Yeah, come to the show in Melbourne.

We'll have a cup of tea.

I'll have a drink with you.

I'll have a drink with you, David.

No, yeah, I'll come and let me know the sort of tickets.

The only era where I

like I started comedy when I was about 23 and there was definitely

times in my sort of mid-20s where I could hang out with if there were students there and it wouldn't be weird.

Just if I wanted to go for a pint.

Yeah.

As in like grown-ups were still too old to hang out with mums and dads or whatever.

And I do remember a couple of times finishing a gig and being like, is anyone up to anything afterwards?

Yeah, I've been there when I was younger.

Saddest ending to a gig.

Well, because I was out there with like no money.

I didn't know anyone.

I went for a drink after.

And they were this guy called Ross and his wife, Catherine.

And I was like, your show is great, mate.

Do you want a drink?

Like that?

I was like, oh, yeah, I'll have a drink.

I just got chatting to them.

But yeah, when you're on your own somewhere, you just sort of hang about a bit.

And you're like, do you go for a drink?

It's quite tragic.

That's why you take tour support in the early days now i just do the gig and go back to the room yes unless friends are up and i'll go for a drink which happened last night actually we can get to that how exciting this is what tease you've had the lunch now where are we going now what's happening it sounds like i've made this up but it my day and then into the next morning literally turns into like stellar street the amount of mad famous people are bumped into and the reasons obvious when you get to it so as i'm walking from radio two i um walk past rylan yeah good okay rylan's there just on the street and i say oh hello ryan i say hello to him these he's with two people I don't really know.

And then, like, I say, hello to this lady.

She's with this other guy and shake her down and have sort of like sort of an awkward stop and chat because he's obviously in the middle of something.

And then he's like, where are you going?

I'm like, I'm going up to Manchester.

He's like, I'm going up to Manchester.

I was like, what are you going up for?

He's like, I'm doing comic relief.

And I'm like, oh, I'm doing my tour.

What train you on?

After two.

Oh, wow.

I see you on the train.

And then, as this is going on, the bloke who I've just shook hands and said hello to is like, he's just met Ryan for the first time as well.

He's like, stopped in for a selfie.

And I've just sort of said hello.

I thought it was Rylan's mate.

So then he goes, I'll speak to to Ryan and say, see you later.

I'll see you on the train.

So then now I'm walking to Euston Station.

Wow.

So I go to Houston Station and then I get the train to Manchester.

And then

I guess he gets on the train.

Oh, do you want to, sorry, have I gone too fast?

No, if we're still on the train, that's okay.

Yeah, so I got to the station.

I also went to the lounge.

I was traveling first class.

I went to the lounge and I downloaded the adolescents to watch on Netflix.

Okay, yeah.

Watched about half an hour of that.

And I thought, I cannot possibly watch this and then try and be funny tonight.

So let's

can this off until I've got a night off.

Yeah, we were going to watch it last night, but I insisted that I wanted to watch a documentary on the Vasa, the Swedish worship from the 16th century that they brought up recently first.

Absolutely.

It was exciting.

And Helen fell asleep during that.

So I was like, there's no way she was going to stay awake during a 45-minute single-shot bleak drama.

So we've put that off till tonight.

It's like MDMA for old people, isn't it?

These crime dramas where you're like, I can do it, but I need to know what I'm doing tomorrow.

Because I can't, I've got to emotionally deal with watching this gritty drama and then living my life in a happy way the next day.

So I need a bit of time either side of it.

Yeah, when I used to have to go to sort of screen junkets that would be on at like nine in the morning, and then you'd watch like Tom Hardy played.

Charles Manson or Charles Bronx, I can't remember.

And I was like, that is not a 9am film.

I was like, I'm just not ready.

I'm just not ready.

This is an 8 8 p.m.

and nothing else.

Okay, so hang on.

So you're sitting on the train, it hasn't left, and a famous person walks on the train.

Me and David should do a quiz to see who gets it first.

Is that fun?

Or should you just tell me?

You can do that if you want.

I can give you some clues to start off with.

Manchester, a lot of television is made in Manchester Media City.

So Kat's Countdown is done there.

But then used to be, you would be walking through the, it felt real golden age of showbiz because Alan Shearer would walk past you.

Someone in a dance costume from Strictly would come past you here.

Like the BBC moving to Manchester, they can spend all their budget on train tickets.

Exactly.

I'm going to go Susie Dent.

Oh, no, good guess.

I can see your workings, but not Susie Dent.

No.

Okay.

Max?

No.

Friend of mine lives near me.

Bald head.

Oh, Tim Allen.

Oh, Tom Allen.

Tom Allen.

What?

Tim Allen is from home in Broomstone.

My guess is

No, my guess

was Tim.

My guess was Tim Allen from Home Improvement.

Okay, sorry.

My guess was it Tim Allen from Home Improvement.

Is it the neighbour who was drawing his head over the fence?

Yes, it was Tim Allen from Home Improvement.

So he's on the train.

He's my mate.

I'll get really well with him.

So we sit and have a chat with the way I would have been a different show if Tom Allen had been in home improvement.

The whole show is terrible at power.

He won't mind me saying that.

He won't mind me.

Muffle with a chainsaw.

Useless.

Tom Allen going on Sunday brunch is one of my favorite YouTube clips ever.

He's just an agent of chaos.

In the most charming, polite way.

Yep.

When he's asked to chop a spring onion, he's like, is it because I'm gay or whatever?

And everyone is just absolutely unsure what to say to Tom Allen.

He's so funny.

Yeah, watch that, Cliff.

He's hilarious.

So the train ride goes by.

You don't look away from Tom Allen playing Bubble Crush.

No, I wish that in the whole whole way.

I'm quite glad I'm having a break from adolescence on the iPad.

I'm quite glad to look up and see

the joy in Tom Allen's eyes.

He orders a quiche.

I order a plowman's.

He has a gin and tonic.

I have a kombucha.

And we enjoy the beautiful sights of the English countryside.

Wow, Rob, is kombucha available on the menu, of the first-class menu on the train to Manchester?

Holy shit.

I had two kombuchas, and I was really dehydrated when I got to Manchester because I didn't have any water, just fizzy ginger, whatever it is.

Where's Rylan?

Is he just trying to get in the conversation?

I don't see Rylan, actually.

He must be on another coach.

Don't see Rylan.

Rylan's gone.

He does make an appearance later on.

Well, that's exciting.

Okay.

Great.

Wow.

Little teaser.

This is the most starting to do.

If you'd done the day before, it would have been so fucking boring.

Just me picking a kid up from school going swimming.

It's Manchester Train Station.

Where are you on?

Are you doing the Lowry?

Rob, where are you on in Manchester?

So I'm doing the Manchester Opera House, which is right in the center of town it's a beautiful venue very lucky to be able to do that one so i'm doing that so i'm staying at the same hotel as tom allen coincidentally yeah and when we arrive the production company's put on a car for him i thought i'll jump in the car with you correct to go to the hotel to drop the bag the traffic is mentor in manchester so it gets to the point where he's changed the route the driver to drop me i've gone i think i'm gonna have to just go straight to the venue here because of the traffic so then i'll get them stuck in traffic which is very awkward and then i go if i get out here i could just just walk for five minutes.

And they're like, okay, then.

So I get out and go.

And then I leave Tom Allen with his driver stuck in traffic, heading the wrong way.

They're still there.

They're still there.

They must come in relief.

Yeah, so I was like, sorry, guys.

And then I went and I went to the venue.

Okay, I've got a couple of nerdy stand-up questions then.

It's a two-half show.

Are you doing both halves yourself?

Yeah, eight o'clock star.

I do 45 minutes, 20-minute break, 45 minutes.

Yep.

And is the show bedded in now such that you don't really have to think about it that much beforehand?

Yes, but I haven't done it for a month, so I know it, but I haven't done it, if that makes sense.

Well, you didn't do it live in Bangalore.

I presume you went out there.

No, no, no.

So Mumbai, I was filming.

I was filming with Romesh.

Yeah, so I know it, but

I just got it fully bedded in to the point where I can sort of mess around around it.

Still a few things.

It's always evolving slightly, but it was in.

It wasn't that horrible bit when you start the tour.

But I hadn't done it for a month, so I had that sort of excited belly feeling of, I think I know it, but I don't sure if I know it anymore.

So I had to trust future Rob, essentially.

Well, did you do one of the maddest times in the life of a comedian?

It's when you are listening to your own show on headphones.

Can't do it.

Really?

I'd started doing that years ago to improve on jokes.

And I was like, for the 10%, it might improve the set.

The 40% hit I take on morale, happiness, self-worth.

I'd rather accept a dip in quality for an improvement of life quality.

So I cannot possibly.

I've recorded every show, never listened back, ever.

It just sits there.

There was an awful time before mics on phones got good where sometimes you would ask the tech in the venue to record it on a mini disc or whatever off the desk.

So on that, you got no audience sound whatsoever.

And sometimes you'd do a punchline and you'd be like,

that never happens on a Thursday.

And you just hear silence and you'd sort of hear yourself going going like

just

It's literally making me itchy thinking of listening I don't watch myself back and I don't listen to I've never listened back to a podcast I've never watched back a television show even my special I don't watch I just let the editor desit it and a couple of people I trust pick points.

I just can't do it.

I just tap out of it.

It's not fun.

I'm the same.

There are a couple of episodes of this where I've thought, oh, I didn't think that was great.

So I've listened to those.

But all the other,

why do that?

Well, no, just because I'm like, oh, I wonder how they've rescued that one, but actually, they're all fine.

Well, sometimes I'll get in the car, and Lou's got the Parent in Hell podcast on.

Oh, really?

And it'd be me winding up, Josh, and then I find myself laughing.

I'm like, oh, no, get it off.

It's worse than me being shit, me finding myself on it.

Get it off.

I do too many podcasts to listen back to.

I just haven't got time to do that.

No, I've just got bullet points written down on a bit of paper that I look at and nothing really goes in.

Did you psychologically think your way through it?

That's sometimes a useful thing, just to close your eyes and be like, I go to this, I go to this, I go to this.

Yeah, but bouncing from bullet points, really, if I go in and say that, I've got a joke about people getting divorced, but I'll hit those sort of, I've got like bullet points that I'll be floating around my head.

I don't write any of it down, it's not written down, it's all just said out loud, remembered, said out loud, remembered.

And I've just got bullet points of the feeling.

You come off stage, you look at the whoop, and you see you've done six minutes.

Yeah, thank you very much.

Good night.

Exactly, yeah.

So, yeah, but then it just everything, the best stuff I've ever done sort of just happened on stage.

So, then I chat to the crowd, and yeah, I don't understand the process, but I know I do 45 minutes and they seem to laugh.

Yeah.

And then I'll have a break and then I sit there and go, What the fuck do I do?

And then, as soon as I'm out there, it comes.

Do we eat before the show?

It's a tricky thing of what to eat.

So, always eat before the show.

I try and eat around six o'clock, and I'll have a big feed, normally from Nando's, because it's the same same everywhere you can normally get one near the venue and it's quite healthy if you just give like the chicken some broccoli so I try and do like loads of chicken so I either have half a chicken with broccoli and mash and the gravy or I'll have the double chicken pitter

with mash and broccoli and gravy but maybe a bit less if I've had more in the day so I only had the wrap last night no mash or broccoli because I had a big lunch and I dipped it in the gravy and the gravy was too hot on the first bite and I burnt my lip oh I used to watch the American football at Matt Walsham's house every Sunday in the early 90s, but it was on too late.

So we'd video it from the week before.

But obviously there was no way of finding out the American football scores.

So we'd never find out.

So we'd watch it a week late and every week Matt Walsham's mum, Alison, would make me a hot chocolate and I'd burn my mouth.

And then it would just recover by the next Sunday and then I'd burn my mouth again.

So I didn't taste anything from 1992 to 995.

Well yeah, hot chocolate back in the 90s was boiling water on a bit of cocoa powder

killer yeah yeah yeah just warm the milk up yeah no one at all of that it doesn't need to be boiling nish kumar is the first comedian i think of when i think of the pre-gig Nando's I think he pushes it closer to his gig then no really yeah a lot of his work is just him

burning off the crazy energy that his giant Nandos has given him.

No, I go at six and then I probably do a little sound check at half six to do all that, done in five minutes.

And then I lay down and meditate, listening to Alan Watts on YouTube.

And if I'm really tired, I'll sleep.

If I'm not really tired, I'll just meditate.

Wow.

Just to get as calm as possible.

And then I rev myself up closer to stage time.

Who's Alan Watts?

Alan Watts is like his philosopher bloke.

He's like, he died in like the 70s, but he went to like China and India and all places like that.

And it's really weird.

My wife's name's maiden name's Watts and he's Alan Watts is actually from Chiselhurst which is about half a mile from where I grew up and he's just very much he's like it's all this sort of like trust the universe stuff all you can do is what you can do because you want stuff to be as good as possible but with comedy it depends on the night of the week how many's in the room what the venue's like how what's happened to you that day you can only do as good as the conditions allow obviously you need to have the material and be well practiced and going in with energy and stuff but you just have to accept your fate almost with a comedy gig and go out with good intentions.

And the way it will be is the way it will be.

But your ego wants to be like, I'm going to be fucking smashed this.

But no, actually, that's not, you haven't got any control over that.

So it's very good at me to try and go, this will go how it will go.

You've done all you can.

Enjoy the process and just accept it.

And that's what I do.

And then that calms me down and gets me out of my head.

And how do you rev yourself up five minutes to go?

Like Roy Keene?

No, I'll

sometimes when I meditate, I'm like, I yawn loads and like my eyes stream with water.

Do you ever have that?

I don't know if you meditate.

It's like a weird release of stress.

My whoop goes off the chart.

I'm basically dead.

I'm not discharge everywhere.

You're just

soaring out of everywhere, yeah.

So I'll do that till about quarter past seven and then quarter past seven to half seven, I'll get dressed, do my air, and I'll listen to some music that's quite chilled that slowly gets a bit more up.

Nora Jones.

Nora Jones.

Not Nora Jones.

No.

So I always pick a wig.

On my last arena tour for the podcast with Parent in Hell, which was very intimidating.

I listened to this song called Silken Leather by Good Cop, Bad Cop.

And it just was a nice, calm song.

But I associate that with getting ready.

Now I'm listening to Chapel Roan Picture of You or Picture You.

And it's quite nice to have stuff like a little bit of a routine that goes, right, this is my body sort of responds to it and goes, oh, okay, now we're going from getting dressed, chilling out to getting on the road to getting up for this gig.

Do that till about quarter to eight, ten to eight.

And then I go and stand on the side of the stage for 10, 15 minutes to listen to the music the crowd are listening to, listen to them coming in and feel their energy, and then my energy will match their energy by the time the show starts.

What music are you giving them in your pre-show?

It's like a mixture of upbeat party.

It's like a wedding that isn't shit.

Yeah.

So a wedding that's not shit, but also with some indie music that I really like, and then some other songs that I like that are current and poppy.

Because I have a real mix from like 15 up to 60 or 70.

So I'll have like Billy Ocean, Red Light Spells Danger, which you, when you hear it, like fuck this is a banger, but then I'll have also have like Chappell Roan and Jua Leap or Taylor Swift and those kind of ones, and then middle ground ones of like a bit of oasis or Arctic Monkeys, and you know, them like Erasure and those sort of songs that are just absolute bangers when you hear them, but you sort of semi-forget that you know them.

Yeah, everyone loves.

The mistake I've been making on this tour is I just play the Beatles Let It Be album, which has got loads of bangers on it, but it also has across the universe on it because I I just let them roll.

There's a point where the stage manager is like, all right, ready to go on?

And they put the house lights down and I know what's about.

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup.

And people are like, what the hell is this?

But I sort of enjoy that because sometimes you go, thank you very much.

Good night.

And the person puts the music up.

Don't let me down.

And you're like, this was perfect.

Yeah, because I don't like the music being in the same order every night.

I always get them to put it on shuffle to change it up slightly, but I have a bank of like an hour and a half of songs that I'd be happy to be played as they come in that makes you feel excited to sort of be there.

Do you have a peek at them through the curtain?

I know you get the energy back off them, but sometimes it's good to know where the...

if there's a balcony and where the balconies are.

I'll peek out the side to see like who's in the front row because sometimes I like chatting to them.

It gets too dark.

So if you get a bit of an idea of who they are, then when you just see the silhouette, you've built half the picture in your head before it goes dark.

So, I have a peek at them, see them coming in, listen to them.

Also, if there's a big backdrop, I'll stand like really close to the backdrop, like I'm almost on the stage, yeah, but I'm not just to be stood there and feel it.

Yeah, of how it's going to be in a bit before I go out and stuff like that.

It might be all bollocks, but it's just stuff that's I feel like if I've got that, you can't like hide away in a room listening to nothing and then jump out.

You've got to meet them in the middle somewhere, you know, there's a lot going because it's 2,000 people in a room up for a night out.

It's like, if you think about that too much, it'll send you sideways.

So I'll try and feel it rather than think it.

God, do I sound like a complete wanker?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Actually, we've talked to loads of people about the art of comedy.

And I think this is, you've articulated it really, really well, actually.

And I have very limited experience, right?

The Guardian, we do football, we do live shows.

So we've done that Hackney Empire.

It's like quite a lot of people.

But like, we're not there to be funny, right?

That's a bonus.

We're obviously trying to be funny because who isn't?

But like, it's not like this isn't the reason for being being there necessarily i think it is but it but there's a kind of get out right there's no pressure if you say a point there doesn't have to be a laugh at the end it can just be like oh yeah interest you know carabo cup is harder to win yeah exactly

but you sort of move towards the last but i always think with with actually not just live shows that i've done but like with every radio show i've ever done or tv show anything if the first 10 seconds is good yeah or first 20 seconds is good doesn't matter you're like okay we're on it's good bang done and i never like think about what me and charlie or me and and Barry are going to do on the radio.

We just start.

We just fall on air and go, all right, this is fine.

And I don't know if you feel the same.

If you know, like the start is, if the first gag goes, you're like, okay, you've won already.

Or is it not, or do you not feel like that?

Yes and no, because you can get a gauge of like how the gig is going to go.

But I think sometimes it's good to have an opening line, but I think it's good also to be loose with it because this room may not need that line at this point.

Oh, not necessarily a planned line.

It's just like, is the first bit work?

Then you're fine.

Because then

you're going downhill.

You're not going uphill.

Yeah, you need that confidence.

You need that.

That first big laugh gives you the confidence to sort of go on.

I think that's why I still do a bit of crowd work, because if you can prove to them you can be funny off the cuff

with the people coming in, they go, fucking hell, he's on it here kind of thing.

For me,

I like to try and keep it loose.

I know what you're saying, though.

Once you go on, it just works, but like just get going.

And once the fence's 10 seconds good, you know it'll be a good gig.

But I've tried a lot more to break the whole show up to be like, sometimes you do a line and it didn't go well.

You can go, oh, God, this is going to be a gig where it doesn't go well.

And then you do the next one, but you're going into the next line feeling shit.

You go, oh, God, and another one.

Oh, God, this is a bad.

And you create a narrative of a gig, but actually, it's a series of like sort of moments every 20, 30 seconds that if you can, and it's very hard to get out of your head and just go, right, even if that did go well, forget it now.

There's a new one.

And the same for what it doesn't go.

It's a great centre forward.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, you're just trying to exist in those moments.

And that way it doesn't drag you down if it ain't going well.

But I know if it's a good gig when the first time I look at my watch,

I don't know if you do this, David, where like you go on sometimes, you do a few jokes, you look at your watch, it's like six minutes past eight, and you're like, Fuck that first six minutes.

I swear I was nearly the end.

I don't wish for this to turn into a real nerdy stand-up thing, but it's too late for that.

I supported Rich Hall when I was in my 20s, and he said to me one night, and I didn't understand it, but I understand it now 20 years later.

He said,

At some point, you become funnier than the jokes.

As in, when you're starting off, you're like, Okay, I've got these 10 jokes, I got to say them all and not go

in the middle of them.

But after some point, like, and it's years in, you're a vibe.

And in fact, all the people are there to see is the vibe of you.

And your job is to be the vibe, really.

I couldn't agree more.

The ritual's a genius.

He's unbelievable and so understated with like how talented and knowledgeable he is.

But like that, that's for me, the material is secondary because

what we're trying to do as comedians is we're funny people in a room with people and we form connections and we can connect in a pub and say certain things and know what they want to hear to make them laugh.

And then a tour show is essentially monetizing that connection.

It's not about the lines as such, isn't it?

It's a way that we can get as many people in as possible to do that and then we get paid.

So it's about that connection with the audience and it's trying to find that connection that's the hardest that's why comedians always like a low ceiling or the crowd really close to you is like you want to connect with them but it's trying to find that connection and then once you've got that you're giving them you and then the actual lines in the joke is almost secondary so do you come on stage and go i'm just monetizing this fun guys

and they are like yes take more take more take more take more well no i'd do it anyways to do it for no money but if i can do it and get paid it helps did it totally okay so the the interval, like, do you eat anything, drink anything?

What's that?

20 minutes.

So you just lie there.

I hate the interval.

I'm just desperate to get back on, basically.

Like, I know they need it because they need a wee and a drink.

And it's actually good to give the show a bit of...

Like...

If you did an hour and a half straight through, everyone would be bored shitless.

So I'm aware you need it, but I'm just sitting there going, can we go again yet?

Can we go again yet?

I try not to look at my phone in case the kid's ill or something and it's distracting.

You know what I mean?

Or you read the news.

I don't want to put adolescents on for 10 minutes and

go back out.

So you're trying to keep your head empty as well as on track.

So I find that hard.

I failed so badly.

I end up literally looking at a life hack video of how to clean grout in a bag.

And then you'll mention it in the second half.

Whatever you do in that interval, we'll get I just try to look at the bullet points.

So that what I mentioned is something I already know that works rather than because that's the danger when you go on tour.

You get too relaxed and you just chat shit because you're too confident in the vibe.

Yeah.

You go, the vibe does need punch times as well sometimes.

So you go out, do the second half, gig's done.

Yeah.

Now what's happening?

So come off, I'll get changed, and then I go downstairs.

There's a couple of people at the stage door wanting a few pictures.

Okay, are you head down playing Bubble Crush going, fuck off?

No.

It's Rayland and Tom Allen both there.

Rylan and Tom Allen's there.

No, so a few people want pictures, have a couple of pictures, and then we walk back to the hotel because the traffic's so bad and it's an eight-minute walk.

So we walked to the hotel and then I had some friends, a friend, Joe, Emmit J.

Scanlon, the actor from Kin Peaky Blind.

I met him on a show ages ago, and he came to the gig.

So he came with his mates.

So then I met him for a drink in the Lowry after the show and had a catch-up.

And then this is where he gets quite Stella Street with the celebs spotting.

Josie Mourinho is still living in that hotel.

He comes down in his dress again.

That was mental.

No, so I'm there with Emmett and his friends, and then Tom Allen comes downstairs and starts having a drink with AJ Adoodoo, the TV presenter, hosted Big Brother.

And then out of nowhere, Michael Ball turns up.

Well, of course, he does.

Love changes everything.

I was like, what the fuck's going on here?

This is great.

Michael Ball turns up and starts having a chat with Tom Allen and AJ Adoodu.

Some spring rolls come out of the bar kitchen.

Are these for you?

And then Michael Ball's like, no, they're my spring rolls.

So he takes his spring rolls.

So that's going on.

And then Ryland was walking past.

And then this morning at breakfast, Freddie Fentorf walked in because he's here with a cricket team.

I'm afraid we don't care about Freddie.

I couldn't believe it.

I'm like, oh, of all the days for this to happen, I've got a bright knob on the podcast.

Okay, so you sit in the hotel.

How late are you in there?

How many drinks?

Come on.

That's what he really wants to know.

So two rum and cokes with them.

We have a chat.

Nice lads.

Blah, blah, blah.

Then they leave about half 11-ish.

I go up at the room because the hotel I'm in are having a power cut between 1am and 5 a.m.

to fake the electrics.

So there's going to be no...

No electrics.

I'm like, okay, that's fine.

So I go back to my room at 12, have a quick shower because I'm a bit sweaty from from a long day in the gig.

And then when I'm in the shower at 10 past 12, supposed to be 1 a.m., at 10 past 12, power goes.

Amazing.

Wow, our first ever power.

So I'm in the shower, naked, dripping wet, power cut.

Get the towel, get my phone light, basically, get dry, find myself to my bed, get my iPad out.

I've got enough charge, I'm fine, I'll survive the power cut.

So my day ended and my

new day started.

Obviously, I'd had a shower, all the lights were in the room, power cut.

So I get into bed oh 10 past 5 a.m

everything goes on

air con at full blast every light i hadn't drawn the curtains because i couldn't find him

it was mental michael ball screaming from the room next to it

oh god every light goes on

like that my whoops got off the chart i'm on a high stress zone 5 10 a.m

so that's how the day ended what a 23 hours Amazing.

Can I just ask?

I used to have to go to Sydney a lot to do the Champions League at a young baby at the time.

And quite often,

Jamie, well within her rights, would just, I'd get WhatsApps like, how's your really quiet hotel room?

Oh, well, what's for dinner?

I'd be like, I've just gone to get a Thai.

Oh, how's your Thai meal on your own without a baby?

And completely understandably, do you get, because you've just been in India, now you've got five days, is Lou going?

And because obviously, because your job is like when I go away to the football weekly tour, I'm basically just getting pissed on stage talking about football and like I can't Jamie knows that

home talking about days

but Jamie knows that my job is fun like I like it yeah so I can't be like oh it's another I've had a tough day at work it's been awful well it's sort of feast and famine for me and Lou where like this year is an incredibly intense year with the touring um but then like I'm having the whole of August off so it's like we book trips like she goes away with her friends and stuff like that so she's up against it a bit this year but obviously it's worth it as a family so it's just that balance, really.

And she's aware of it, I'm aware of it, it doesn't make it easier, and the kids understand it.

But I do have lots of block of time off, so I work quite intense and then have quite a lot of time off.

I'm not going to tour this big for quite a few years after this tour finishes like middle of 2026.

And I think I'm probably going to have a five-six-year break, like and do other stuff just so I'm around for the kids in their teenage years and then go again when they're a little bit older.

So, I'll still gig and do like London and local gigs and charity gigs, but I don't think I'll tour this intensely if my TV work's still as intense.

Do you know what I mean?

So, I'm going to drop that out a little bit, I think.

In my experience, quite often, TV work gets less intense, but

exactly.

So, it might go the other way, and I'll be straight back out on the road.

But, yeah, if I can get away with it, I want to be at home as much as I can.

Rob, you've just given Max an idea.

Max returns from the shed having recorded this.

Jamie, I'm going to take six years off right now.

That's the plan.

I'll still work, but just not as like five nights a week away flight of three months in a row, you know?

Oh, well, Rob, thank you so much.

Great day.

The most celebrated day.

I'd say the most has happened in a day.

We picked a fucking great day, by the way.

Great day.

You want to hear some of the absolute dud days that me and Max have had to try and knit some sort of a woolly jumper out of.

Mishkumar just shat and lay on the sofa for six hours.

Well, that explains how he plays football on a Tuesday.

Rob Beckett, thanks so much for doing it.

Thank you, Rob.

Brilliant.

Thanks, guys.

So, what a day, hey, David.

So many celeb spots.

He's like a celeb magnet.

I like Rylan, Michael Ball, and someone from Piggy Blinders.

There's a good selection of celebs to meet.

I don't go on about it, but that's what my life is like.

Constantly, there's always a presenter, always someone from a musical, Elaine Page or Barbara Dixon, someone like that.

Or Mr.

Mistopheles is there,

and then someone from a top, top TV show, then as well.

But I just,

I don't know, I just don't tell you about it.

You don't talk about it.

Well, it's interesting.

Yesterday, when I was just pushing young Willie Rushton around in the pram, I bumped into on just one small loop.

Trevor MacDonald.

What?

Rusty Lee.

And the bass player from Tapow.

It was quite the day.

But sadly, we didn't record a midweek mayhem because we only do that on a Tuesday.

And so it's just my Monday again.

So I can't tell you about what happened there.

Even the dream celebs you pretend to have met are also dreadfully

yesteryear and mundane.

And that's why I respect you.

We talked a lot about the art of comedy, and I'm generally more interested in, you know, what make their toothbrushes and when they last went to the toilet.

But I thought he was very articulate about that part of his day.

I enjoyed that bit.

Yeah, a lot of elements to that day.

So many.

There was almost three sections to the day.

You had the radio, you had the afternoon, and then you had a gig in the evening.

Here's the thing, two things.

Comedians are always on trains.

Always.

And apart from you, they're all just using things to keep themselves healthy.

Have I backed the wrong horse?

Have I backed the wrong horse?

The only one who's just eating and drinking like the rest of us.

Or maybe all our listeners have a whoop attached and, you know, are only eating broccoli.

Like, maybe it's just us.

This is why you keep sending me all of these supplements and all of this fitness equipment because you don't want me to keel over and then the podcast to end.

Well, we're in it for life, but I think, like, I'm happy that if I die, you can carry it on.

And if you die, I'll carry it on.

And we just have to find the most sort of like-for-like replacement.

It's not going to be the same.

No, it would be different, yeah.

I might get Osman.

Osman could anchor this, do you think?

But he's not like-for-like, is he?

Not really.

Who's like-for-like?

For you,

I need someone who can really present the shit out of anything.

Rick Edwards.

90s based.

Okay, yeah, Rick Edwards probably works.

If you have any idea who, in the event of Max's death, I could replace him with, drop us a line.

And vice versa.

It's vice versa.

Because I don't want to just say Chris Odoubt.

I just don't want to just say.

Or Barry, the Irish guy that you do your football stuff with.

Yes, Barry Glendoni.

It's been raised several times that you need an Irish person to co-everything you do yeah me and bertia hern did a quite unsuccessful

even that reference a prime minister from the 90s i love it max you always come up with the goods if you want to get in touch with the show here's how

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com.

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And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

And if you didn't, please don't.

And that'll do for today.

Thanks, David.

Thank you for doing this podcast.

I have a nice time.

I had a nice time.

I can't wait to do it again soon.

Bye, Max.

See ya.

Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

Dog by the Bakery Door is a charming story of the magical things a little boy sees on a normal trip to get a coffee with his mum.

Perfect for newborns, three-year-olds, six-year-olds, all children.

Just Google Dog by the Bakery Door.

Here's a review from my three-year-old son.

Dog by the Bakery Door.

I have this book.

Full disclosure, the author might be his mother and my wife, but even more reason to buy it.

She is to live with us under baby 247 and has sacrificed her career for mine while also being an amazing mum to two boys.

Thank you, goodbye.