WDWDY #13: A Sad Cardboard Kazoo

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday.

Nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton, and I'm David O'Doherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hi, everybody.

It's midweek, Mayhem.

David O'Doherty is here.

Hi, David.

David O'Daherty here, co-host of the What Did You Do Yesterday podcast.

Yeah.

I'm pleased you are, by the way.

We work reasonably well together.

In an early episode, Osmond said I was the easy chair guy, and I resent that a little bit because I feel I bring more to it than that.

But you're probably more ringmaster, certainly, than I am.

No, you ain't no clown.

An easy chair, it requires a different thought process.

I'm just getting us into the news.

You're the one asking the interesting stuff.

In many ways, there's more pressure on you than there is on me.

What's great is there's no egos in the dressing room.

That's what I like, David.

Yes, it's like the recording of We Are the World with Quincy Jones from that documentary that I watched recently.

But, like, for example, the listeners, you know, people want to know the nuts and bolts.

Max has probably looked at the feedback of the last week, whereas I haven't.

So I will react to it in real time.

So there's our different roles.

Yeah.

That is peering behind the curtain.

Welcome.

Now to the inner sanctum.

Speaking of feedback, people like Joe Wilkinson, Noah, the way I was listening to this at 2 a.m., but I was so tired, but so excited.

So I was fighting for my life to stay awake.

But now I don't remember any of it.

Time to re-listen.

I do love the idea that someone is that tired, but they can't tear themselves away to find out how good a robot Hoover actually is.

Some wonderful English, but just one more minute.

One more.

The slow cooker's on.

Hang on.

I've got work in the morning, but I just can't.

Yeah, I can relate.

I mean, I think I've done it with something like an American presidential election when you're really trying to stay awake to find out.

Exactly.

Just call Pennsylvania.

I'm dying here.

Well, it's like that with Joe's Roomba.

Craig says, he doesn't know how to make a sandwich.

Agreed.

It felt like such a boring plane, Jane, me saying I would have just liked the bagel on its own or maybe with a bit of cheese in it.

But when he went Marmite and pickle and cheese, cheese, like, what is that?

That's four different sandwiches at the same time.

It's so much vinegar.

Like, everything is pickled in brine.

Yeah.

His fridge is actually in a jar, isn't it?

Like, that's on the rinse with like little bits of dill just around the bottom of the fridge.

That's what it is.

And actually, I did think Joe made a good point that we'd spent so much time on this podcast discussing how you get in a bath.

And he was just like, well, how else are you getting in a bath?

And he's sorry.

You do just lower yourself into the bath so in many ways maybe we made the most of that piece of information but you know some good content we will be discussing my yesterday and my last few days we'll discuss it later in the episode my last few days have involved a lot of baths because i was staying in a hotel with a very much a sort of roll top cadbury's flake type bath orbs everywhere orbs and mysterious women who look like they were in shakespeare's sister just sort of flouncing around

women who look like they're in Shakespeare's sister where does he get these references from

you know the pop charts stay with me

what was their other song was that Shakespeare's sister yeah I think so anyway pineapples some serious stuff here Rupert Flood says dear David de Max I love listening to your podcast while cleaning my one bicycle I'm a global expert on pineapples.

I eat a slice every day.

Many years ago, I traveled to Australia for a year and I worked in the Golden Circle Company in Brisbane for the pineapple season.

On the pineapple line, we had to apply barrier cream to our bare arms and wear long sports socks with the toes cut out on our arms to protect us from the pineapple juice.

One night, I didn't bother with this protection, and within an hour, my arms looked like I'd been whipped with a cat oh nine-tails with angry-looking red stripes across my forearms.

The acid from the pineapple juice is insanely strong.

So much there.

He didn't reject the pineapple, it having absolutely scoured him.

You know, he was just straight back in.

Although, how you have a slice a day is a strange thing.

As in

the problem with pineapples for me is that you basically have to eat the whole pineapple when it becomes available.

Maybe he's a can.

Maybe it's from a Del Monte can.

Del Monte, I'd say one of the most mentioned brands on this podcast they're not if we're trying to coax them into a sponsorship why are they not sponsoring us this podcast is brought to you by dodos

and shakespeare's sister's new single

anyway more pineapple stuff claire says greetings i'm writing a response to the gentleman who dissolved his ring piece with fresh pineapple

a great opening sentence to a letter i'm in my final year of a forensic science degree.

And one of the first things we learned was should you ever find yourself in a position where you need to dispose of a human body, you can use pineapple juice to dissolve the flesh off the bones.

What?

This is because pineapples contain bromelane, protein-digesting enzymes, which, when consumed in large quantities, can break down the proteins in human flesh.

Yeah.

It's a less suspicious alternative to quick lime.

When you're buying the tarp, the shovel, and you don't want to go quick lime, just pop 10 pineapples in the ground with them.

Then, I've watched so many hour-long detective dramas, you know, sort of happy murder shows, your death in paradises,

etc.

You know, your Shakespeare and Hathaway, etc.

How come no one has ever been dissolved in a vat of pineapple juice in any of these?

It's the reason Lilt has come off the market.

Too many people were using it.

It's the subtext of the, here comes the Lilt Man commercial from back in the day.

He's a cleaner.

Is it cleaner the term?

I think when you've done a murder, you need someone just to...

Yeah, in Reservoir Dogs, they had two choices.

They either got, you know, Mr.

Pink or whoever.

I don't know who played it.

Was it Steve Bascemi?

I can't remember.

Or they got the Lilt Man.

And it would have changed the movie, wouldn't it?

Totally drop a gold taste and then some reggae played.

Tarantino went him.

I don't know if that really fits the vibe of this movie.

To our North American listeners, Max and I are reminiscing about a soft drink from our childhood that only went the year or two ago, but it was simply called Lilt.

And it was the one can on the shelf that, you know, there would be like three lines of Coke, two lines of Pepsi, two lines of seven up, and then there would just be two cans of Lilt.

And you did wonder who drinks that?

I got the odd Lilt.

It was too sweet to be refreshing.

Let's face it.

Yeah.

Winston Wolfe from Pulp Fiction.

There you go.

Wrong film, wrong person.

But that aside,

my reference was pretty much spot on.

Nile in South Australia says, I'm Max and David.

Thank you for making the pod.

As an English-Irishman transplanted to Australia, it tops my list of British-Irish-Australian waffle pods.

Thank you.

I live in rural South Australia, where my nearest big town city is Port Piri.

Been there.

When listening to What Did You Do Yesterday Nine, Worm Feet, I was astounded to hear Port Piri get a shout out in the form of David questioning whether the mighty and highly fictional Port Piri Koalas beat the Woolla Maloo Raiders and how Max would report on this.

I've been considering daily why David would possibly pick a city that barely breaks into the biggest hundred cities in Australia.

Its only claim to fame is seriously high levels of lead poisoning.

Please, could David explain why of all places he chose Port Piri?

The year is 2005.

Okay.

There is the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

As part of its funding, does a go-out to the regions tour.

Whenever I meet anyone from Australia and I say, where are you from?

And they say, you won't know it.

I say, not only will I know it, but I'll have done a gig there.

So I've been to Kolak.

I've been to...

Port Arthur.

I've been to Woollomaloo, Gerald Dyne.

I've been to like hundreds of these tiny towns.

Yeah.

Now, I think my Port Peary reference is, so it's odd groups of people.

It's whoever is in Australia at the time.

They have a focus on international acts and then a few Aussies.

Now it's sort of more Aussie because there's so many brilliant Aussie comedians.

But I think 2005 Port Peary might have been the lineup was me,

Maria Bamford, who's probably my favorite American comedian today, and Stuart Lee, who's massive in Britain.

And we did a gig in the local RSL or football club or wherever it was.

And it's only looking back on it that for a lot of those people, probably the only comedy gig they've ever been to.

And it was three of the biggest weirdos currently operating in Standard.

How were Stuart Lee's withering takes, you know, on British politics in the RSL important period?

I'd love to have seen that.

Anyway, James says, hello, Max and David.

I had to wait until today to tell you about what happened yesterday.

Thank you for sticking to the rules.

While I was listening to the show, I typically listen.

While driving into work on the highway near Toronto, I was listening to this week's midweek mayhem and the discussion about misheard accents.

Suddenly, like watching a movie in my rearview mirror, the car behind me swerved for no apparent reason and smashed into the car beside it.

It then ricochets the other way, hitting another car.

What?

With mayhem behind me, I could do nothing but hit the gas and get away.

No idea what happened, but according to the news, everyone was okay from what I can tell.

Afterwards, it dawned on me that if I'd been a couple of seconds slower, your discussion about your British adjacent accents and misheard words might have been the last thing I'd ever heard.

I think I'd have been okay with that.

I just thought I'd share.

Enjoying the show.

Look forward to both episodes every week.

Take care, James.

Wow.

I mean, this is very narcissistic, Max, but I have started to...

When I go out on a Sunday morning and you see anyone with headphones on, I imagine they're all listening to what did you do yesterday.

Oh, of course, of course.

I think it's 84.6%

of the global population at the moment.

So, not only that, but you would have to imagine the person in the car behind was also listening to it.

And I think it might have been what caused the accident was, do you remember when you were retelling your day that's always the same, but it was a bank holiday, so you weren't able to go to the library and they just couldn't handle it.

They were like,

what the hell?

I made dinner, not from a box.

Yeah.

We did.

He didn't hide from the cleaner for 20 minutes.

Oh, well, look, glad you're okay, James.

Then glad everyone else is.

We do not know if everything's okay.

That was very trite of you.

Yeah, we don't know that.

Our sympathies with everybody.

Anyway, I did say last week I would read all the emails we've had about people setting up their own detective agencies, but we don't have time, so I'll do that next week.

If you set up a detective agency as a child, now is your chance.

What did you do yesterday, pod at gmail.com?

But before we get to your day, it is time for curdle/slash what did you fondo yesterday slash to bree or not to brie slash the master rhyme

five

four

three

two

one

I don't chase, this is chase.

It is still, David, a three cheese board.

No, it's not.

It's not a three cheese board.

It's a three cheese board, but someone guessed Comp to

right cheese wrong place.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Yeah, fine.

This guess is from Kira Fulton, who sent her guesses via a handwritten post-it note sent into the what did you do yesterday P.O.

box.

My question is, if someone had a falcon and wrote their guess, attached it to the leg of the falcon, can you train a falcon to find a P.O.

box?

You can train a pigeon.

Mars Barr opens the P.O.

box one day and there's just a single pigeon flapping around the tiny box.

Keep it light.

P.O.

Box 81668, London, N1P3WW.

Kira says, love the podcast.

I love both the guest deps and midweek madness equally, but differently.

But I'm grateful for the the joy both bring to my heart.

Here are my cheese guesses.

Are you ready?

Did you want to do it by joining, or is it the moment gone?

No, we've bejoined too many times recently.

But like I say, when I start my cameo, I will be join simply for 75 quid.

Cashel Blue.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, ding.

Manchego.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, ding.

Smoked applewood cheddar.

Compter.

Bing, bing, bing, me, me, me.

Wow.

It's a two cheese board now.

It's a two cheese board.

Let's find out.

Yarlsberg.

Okay, so it is a two cheese board.

We know Cashel Blue, Manchego, Compter.

Yeah.

They're just normal cheeses, guys.

But this is very exciting.

I want to do the clue.

But you won't let me do the clue.

I won't.

Can I say the clue?

And then producer Marsbar can redact it if needs be.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

The mistake, these are just normal cheeses.

Great.

Thanks for that clue.

But

got it.

We'll see if he takes that out.

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Let's do your yesterday, David.

Tell me all about it.

It's St.

Patrick's Day yesterday, the patron saint of the nation.

It's actually St.

Sheila's Day today.

That's she's the patron saint of Australia, isn't she?

Of Australian women, yes.

Look, I need to state St.

Patrick's Day.

I've never felt a great affinity with it, as in I'm Irish enough and I live in Ireland and that's enough Ireland as far as I'm concerned.

Can I read out a WhatsApp group that Steve put into my football teams WhatsApp group?

He's an Irishman, so he wanted to send a message.

On Sunday, at quarter to one in the afternoon, he said, Paddy's Day drinks at the Limerick Castle in North Melbourne tomorrow.

Happy hour, five till till 7, $10 pints of Guinness, $6 shots of Jameson.

I'm not working, so we'll be on the right side of the bar.

He sent this to a group of middle-aged men with children.

Who is going for shots of Jameson at 5 p.m.

on a Monday afternoon?

I admire his optimism.

Even a thumb, anything like that?

Any sort of placeholder responses?

The stony silence to that message was very funny.

Oh, no.

Even an Irish flag.

You could have responded with just an uncommitted Irish flag.

There was no take-up.

But Max, St.

Patrick's Day is for Steve.

Steve misses Ireland.

He's away.

I

live here all the time.

I'm quite literally swimming in it.

Every day is St.

Patrick's Day.

Although not yesterday, because this is an exciting yesterday.

This was a day of activity.

I spent St.

Patrick's Day with the Helencopter in the city of Bristol.

Here we go.

Woke up at

about eight o'clock.

Still woke up a little bit early.

Eaten too much the night before.

We don't care about that.

So woke up with just a slightly indigestive naan bread rising inside me.

Feeling.

Did you go to the curry house that Mrs.

Rushdon had recommended?

I can't go into it.

That was the day before.

Fine, I understand.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Well done.

Well spotted.

I was just testing you.

So the tour had finished the night before, and we decided to stick on in Bristol and see what the place has to offer.

Yeah, nice town.

Really good stuff.

And that's why I'm excited to deliver this day.

So that's hanging over this day.

You and the helicopter have woke up with similarly leathery behinds.

We'd hired very comfortable bikes and I had adjusted my saddle.

A lot of this is about saddle adjustment and I had put it in the perfect place.

Okay.

So I woke up with my undercarriage feeling like a little baby's undercarriage you understand what i mean i do yeah very routinely covered in a light round poo as i would say

so i have not had a single hotel breakfast on this entire tour which

you know because a lot of the chat beforehand when we had ed gamble on for example it was like what you get

where i to get a hotel breakfast i have to have the six courses of it

which kind of stodgifies you up up for the day then yeah it's got me thinking during this podcast that we're the only two middle-aged men who aren't on like a wild fitness journey like we're gonna die in a week the only two people just not eating hemp seeds solidly from eight till midday and then fasting for the rest of the day the helencopter is the sort of person who will have a notes app that she has been putting interesting things to do in Bristol into it for the last few weeks.

I think it's why the thing works.

Right.

So she's she's in the hard chair and you're once again in the easy chair, just asking tangential questions occasionally.

You occasionally go, interruption.

Should we go over there?

And she looks at her notes and goes, no.

And you go, okay.

Sustain.

So the helicopter has decided we should go and look at Clifton Suspension Bridge.

Hang on.

Have you had breakfast?

No, we elect not to have breakfast because we're still full of an Indian meal from the night before.

Thank you.

Okay.

We consider going down for it,

but we have a restaurant reservation for 2 p.m.

Okay.

Because I have no self-restraint.

If I go down there, I'm going to have a smoothie.

If you're going to have a breakfast if your things at two, you're turning into Phil Wang.

You can't.

I would not enjoy that lunch then.

Wow.

Okay.

I would do like really weird David stuff, like get a sausage and a piece of rasher and put it in a croissant

and then not even regard that as part of the main course.

Yeah, okay, okay.

Put it in the slow hotel toaster.

Wait for it to pop out the bottom.

They had one of the pancake machines where you watch the machine itself is a conveyor belt.

Oh, yeah.

And you see the dollop, like the groceries thing they have in a supermarket, and then it's cooked as it moves along.

Did not partake in this.

We had an appointment with a suspension bridge.

Okay, noted.

So you've seen this bridge.

It's a a good bridge, isn't it?

Mrs.

Rushton had recommended this, the three things she recommended to you.

Are you giving the helencopter total credit, or does Mrs.

Rushton get some credit from this?

Or, I mean, let's face it, who doesn't go to the Clifton suspension bridge when you're in Bristol?

Maybe no one gets credit.

I will say this: the forwarded-on recommendations from you that came from Mrs.

Rushton were somewhat vague.

She disputes this.

She says, Do you remember the big thing we went to see and then afterwards had loads of food?

Like it was stuff like that, that you had to cryptically try and reverse Enigma to figure out what she was on about.

Look, she sent you a Google Maps for a cafe called the Bristolian.

She sent a Google Maps for the Indian and she sent the Google Maps to the art gallery.

She did say

We walked over that bridge to that national park.

We went to that other park that had lots of levels and steps.

We ate in that cool area at a cafe.

There were some specifics and some vague.

Remember we were talking about treasure hunt with Annika Rice a few weeks ago.

It felt a bit like the clues you would get on that, but luckily I was able to crack some of the codes.

It's interesting every morning, and I say to Jamie, I say, What are the plans?

Yeah, what are your hopes and dreams?

And she says, I will tell you in this riddle.

And then

it takes me hours.

I'm saying, you know, if you're not really on it, you're like, it's like 6 p.m.

and I haven't worked out what's happening for that day.

So we have to pack the room up because obviously we're not going to be coming back now.

Anyway, we'll leave the hotel behind.

We pound the pavements of Bristol.

Oh, hang on.

Do you take all your stuff?

Or do you say, could you leave our bags?

Leave the whole lot.

Don't even take a little bag with us.

And walk to see the suspension bridge.

I've never shared a bridge with you before.

No, I'm excited.

Although, I guess we've probably both...

seen Sydney Harbour Bridge as well.

Do we want to run through all the bridges that we think we've both both been on?

Jeff Bridges, we've met him.

Yeah, we've both stood on Jeff Bridges, which is strange.

Sydney Harbour Bridge, there's probably a bridge in Dublin.

We may have been over it together.

O'Connell Bridge, which is the second widest bridge in Europe, I believe.

I'm going to say there are some bridges in both Cambridge and Oxford that we have both gone over.

Separate times.

Yeah, at separate times.

Edinburgh, I'm going to say.

probably some Edinburgh bridges.

Now, anyone listening to this in a car...

Black Friars Bridge.

Look out out through your rear view mirror now and you see cars behind you bursting into flames, smashing into central reservations and bridge chat.

I'm going to say this: I suspect I have crossed Millennium Bridge and Black Friars Bridge 150 times more than you.

It's not a power play, it's not a power play, it's a statistical real throw-ish shoe over the pub vibes to this.

Okay,

so you walk through, I think, one of Bristol's posh suburbs to get to it.

And these are big houses.

Huge.

Are they ones you can see all the way through?

And you just go, how the fuck have they got the money to get that house?

Is that what you're thinking?

Well,

I mean, there's an added element to it.

Is it a dowager?

It's a dowager's house.

That's what you're thinking.

But the problem, Max, with Bristol, and I love Bristol, is when you see anything old and huge in Bristol, you know that thing about Bristol, which is never question who these statues are of.

Got it.

Got it.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Because there'll be a real downer connected to tobacco, sherry, or slavery to do with it.

Yeah, yeah, okay, got it, yeah.

And some of these houses, particularly like the early Victorian, Georgian ones, are so massive.

One does slightly think of the human misery, which is funny because there was one house which was, I think, the biggest house I've ever seen.

And that was the first way my mind went.

And then mounted on this massive ornamental balcony was a huge grommet,

which I would imagine they had bought from Art Med Animation.

Oh, right, literally.

Like it was a big 30-foot statue of Grommet.

30-foot.

Certainly 15-foot-high grommet.

Yeah.

It's probably not Nick Park's house, is it?

You don't think he'd be that showy about it, but he's that sort of that way.

I wonder if you had a huge football with a microphone in front of it that said on air in neon, just massive neon on air.

Do you know this is terrible, but whenever I go past a house that is nicer than mine, and there are many houses nicer than mine, and the person coming out of it is in their sort of early 30s, I just think,

How are you in there?

How are you in there?

Yeah.

Look, it's the wrong way to think.

I'm really happy.

You know, I want a bigger kitchen.

I'm not going to lie.

And like, you know, we've talked about the dimensions of my kitchen, but it's a first world problem.

I mean, it doesn't make me a good person.

My first thought is it's probably in offices whenever I see a very, very large house.

So when I see someone coming out of it, I don't think, oh, they...

a crypto bro who owns this i instead think oh they're the cleaner coming out for a smoke got it Right.

Okay.

So, Clifton Suspension Bridge, it's credited to Brunel,

who is the great engineer of the area.

Also, steamship Great Britain, which we had intended to visit.

It's one of those ones you can go on and walk around.

Is that Isanbard Kingdom Brunel?

Is that his name?

Isn't Bard Kingdom?

Yeah.

Yeah, we were going to call one of our children Isenbard Kingdom.

That Clinton, you thought.

He is the classic stovepipe hat.

You know, I think we once joked about putting an espresso on a hamster and pretending he was a Victorian industrialist.

This guy is the proverbial hamster with an espresso on his head.

Yeah.

He

designed this bridge.

Unfortunately, rest in peace is in Bard Kingdom.

I think it was completed after he passed away by some other dudes.

Now, there's three sites of interest at it.

There's a camera obscura.

Do you know what a camera obscura is?

He died in 1859.

Do you still have to say, rest in peace for someone who died in...

We will never forget you.

Exactly.

What was the question?

Do you know what a camera obscura is?

I definitely did one day, but you know, as we've established, I've lost all knowledge of things.

You would enjoy this.

I've encountered two in my life.

There's one in Edinburgh as well.

It's what Renaissance people use to paint as a projection of what's outside onto a large sheet of paper.

It's almost like a board game game.

So you go up in a tower

and the image of outside the tower is projected down onto a table effectively that's in front of you.

Now It must have blown the fucking minds of the Victorians who went to see it.

Or pre-Victorians, because I guess photography came along in what the 1840s.

It looks like a video, but it's in fact a mirrored projection of what's going on outside.

Yeah, okay, I still don't know what it is, but hopefully, some listeners do.

Oh, my goodness.

I thought I had explained it really well.

I'm going to look up what it is with some pictorial help afterwards.

This is the beauty of podcasting.

I bring pictures to life with my words.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do.

And I'm staring at you and it's just a completely blank expression while you Google when Isenbard Kingdom Brunel died.

I'm going to have a look at the Bristolian camera obscura.

They were used in painting a lot, whereby all a camera really is,

is a camera obscura where they've been able to

make the image stay on a...

I know you're not listening to me.

Like, you are a thousand miles away

it's the natural phenomenon in which the rays of light passing through a small hole into a dark space form an image where they strike a surface resulting in an inverted and reverse projection of the view outside ah i see now i see exactly what i said

you need it to be written down for you to believe it you need jonathan wilson to tell you about it for you to believe it that's good we we go to there so the clifton suspension bridge crosses the avon gorge which has a lot of caves in it it's the earliest inhabited part of bristol there was an old ring fort right up where we are now there's still a really old man in there from the indiana jones and the last crusade is in there that guy right yes

that man is still there

but were i to tell you that you would still need to google it i just go oh it turns out there's an old man in there we go down a steep staircase into one of those caves i read a sign that similar to you now helen's not really listening to what i'm saying

until just afterwards she processes it and then starts to debate me as to whether that is in fact what i read and so compelling is her argument look i read on a piece of paper that they'd found elephant bones in one of these caves

from a time in prehistory when there were elephants living in Bristol.

Bristol.

Yes.

Yeah, they were very left-wing.

They all went there.

They invented Trip Hop.

They were early members of Fortis Head.

So we go there.

We walk across the bridge.

The bridge is fine.

So hang on.

Helencopter doesn't believe you that elephant bones were found.

Yeah, even though I just read it on a sign that she wasn't really listening to, but it somehow picked up on elephant bones and afterwards goes, there's no way there was elephant bones there.

And we've walked past the sign, so I can't read it again.

So then I start to doubt whether I had read that there were elephant bones found in caves on the Avon Gorge just outside Bristol.

If any of the listeners can back us up their knowledge of the elephant bones of Bristol, I would be very interested in that.

We're slightly trying to kill time here because the restaurant reservation.

That's just you and Helen.

That's not me and you right now.

I just like to point out.

We have a restaurant reservation for an hour.

Okay.

So we decide to walk to that.

Okay, that's a good idea.

Across a giant...

I mean, we call it a park here, but I'm pretty sure it's called a common outside Bristol.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The weather is nice enough.

Now, this is the only time I do feel in the leg some of the 33-mile round trip cycled to Bath the day before to see the Roman baths.

It's not relevant, but that had been absolutely fascinating.

So, we walk the whole way.

We've good chats.

We haven't run out of stuff to talk about.

That's good.

Even on a trip like this, and

get to a posh.

It's a sort of little French place

where we have highly decadent lunch.

Okay.

Helencopter effectively has a bowl of cheese, and I have the leg of a duck.

Marvelous.

With lentils.

Somewhat inappropriately for the restaurant.

I am secretly wondering: is there a secret way of ordering some hoisin sauce, some pancakes, and some shredded little bits of carrot to change the nationality of the meal?

Once, me and my friends went to,

I think we tried it once a year, but we didn't do it very often, just Krispy Duck Night, where we'd just go and see how many pancakes we could have.

Couldn't order anything else.

And I was like, I could only get about six in because they're not big, are they?

But the Hoisin,

that is a heavy sauce.

Yes, yes.

But some of my friends could get to sort of 15 pancakes.

By that time, you've sort of gone insane.

My nephew, Sushi Train Place, had an all-you-can-eat for an hour.

Right.

And he once went there with a large man who had 42 bowls.

Wow.

Yeah.

And I think barfed afterwards.

Yeah.

But like they were 19 at the time.

Yeah.

And this was what you had to do.

Well, I was 18 and we were doing the Kiwi experience green bus around New Zealand.

And I think England were playing New Zealand at rugby.

And the pub said it's free beer until the first point is scored.

But like in rugby, that's what, five minutes?

It's always someone gets a penalty.

Yeah.

It was nil-nil for 35 minutes.

And I must have downed the most amount of gassy beer.

It was so uncomfortable, but I couldn't stop because, you know, when you're 18 and the beer is free in a pub, you're like, this is insane.

I've just got to keep pushing myself to the absolute limit.

And I was desperate for someone to score.

And I kept missing penalties and missing penalties.

And I was getting so forward.

I couldn't stop because it was free.

So stupid.

You went on a bus around New Zealand when you were 19 with your friends or just with a bunch of randos?

With Nick and and Fraser and then it's like you just hop on hop off bus you know they pass back and piece you go get you skydiving today you just tick a box and then a minute later you're just being hurled out of a plane

you're like okay that's what i signed up to do today you know do you want to climb this glacier ticket box yeah oh here i am up at glacier it's very low level traveling yeah you know it wasn't like magellan

I don't think he had these options.

But like occasionally we get these glimpses into your prehistory, like meeting Mrs.

Rushton in a top of a volcano in Peru, yeah, you know, this sort of carry-on, Nicaragua, whatever, just little tastes of it, and it's absolutely fascinating.

Yeah, over time, you'll get full snippets of my life.

I like to keep a lot in, that's why I do the same thing on a Monday.

The rest of my days are absolutely fucking wild, you know.

While eating this lunch, the grim news comes through that Connor McGregor is meeting Donald Trump

for a St.

Patrick's Day, which we're living in an absolute nightmare, especially as St.

Patrick's Day is for

emigrants.

It's for people around the world who want to remember Ireland.

And then in Ireland, part of the festival has always been people who've come to Ireland recently.

And look, we all have a party together.

Fine.

And then this absolute dickhead.

It's a worst of all worlds type of situation.

And that makes me a bit sad, but I manage nonetheless to eat a really posh rice pudding.

And we get three sides with the duck leg.

Okay.

So yeah.

Tell me the sides.

Freet is what they call chips.

Great choice.

I'm in.

I'm in.

But as soon as chips are called fruits, you're much more likely to be like, I think we might try.

They were called like chunky chips or whatever.

You'd be like, no way I'm getting that with a duck leg.

That sounds awful, but they're fritzs.

Yeah, they're fritzs.

They're not, yeah, they're like greasy fish and chips chips.

They don't go with your confi of duck, but yeah, your frites are good.

Yeah.

Okay.

You wouldn't be like, can I get a smoked cod on frites, please?

No.

There's one that's like cabbage and veg

that clearly, psychologically, I've just ordered to balance out the fruits.

Yeah, yeah, good.

And then Helencopter's got some other salad-y thing that then manages to have some cheese on it.

She's basically playing curdle in front of you, is what's happening.

And because even she doesn't know the answers, she's looking to see if I will react to any of these different cheeses.

And you're like, this is a busman's holiday for me.

Can't we just leave Curdle for one day, Helen Copter?

Do you have a drink?

Do you have a wine?

Yes, we have a Lillette, which is the new hipster Apple type thing.

Okay.

It strikes me, Apple's done, guys.

Oh, is it done?

Okay.

Yeah.

It looks like electrocarrot juice.

We've had it.

Lillette is where it's at.

Wasn't Lillette's the name of a sanitary town?

Yes.

And that joke was made a lot by us.

Okay, good.

The various mix-ups you could have.

I'll have a glass of the body form, please.

Body form for you?

We need to get to the airport.

Yeah.

So we shoot back to the hotel.

Now, I will say this about Bristol Airport, and I would say this about some regional airports in the UK because I've been to them all over the last two months.

Leeds, Bradford, for example.

It's an airport.

And as you approach it, you're thinking to yourself, not so much an airport as a farmer with a dream, a farmer who had a field.

I just one day said,

Ryan Aaron, Aerolingus, you can land here.

And people were like, but what about infrastructure?

Getting to the airport.

He's like, that'll take care of itself over time.

So Bristol Airport's one of those ones where you just drive through some villages filled with furious people.

There's traffic jams all along the way.

So you have to...

give yourself a little bit of extra time.

But we managed to get there.

We faff around a little bit.

There's not much crack to be had in Bristol Airport, if I'm honest.

Right.

Not even a weatherspoon's.

There is something like that, but it's one of those ones where you go to the bar and they're like, no order from the QR code at your table.

Okay.

One of those romantic places.

Yeah.

25 minutes later, having watched the bar staff just chatting to each other, there's no side of your drink from this incredible system.

Still full of cheese, nonetheless, I managed to eat the most disappointing wrap I've ever ever had from somewhere called like Soho Sandwich Company.

You know, the things that they have in airports.

Can I ask, was the last mouthful just wrap?

No.

Like there was nothing, there was no contents to the last mouthful.

Great question.

The first mouthful was that.

Brilliant.

I got the falafel wrap and I got it heated.

Okay.

So I thought all the good stuff had sort of condensed down the bottom.

So the first few, it's like I'm playing a sad kazoo as I eat it.

Yeah, yeah.

Sad cardboard kazoo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Making my way down through.

Cardboard is the actual word, which is what heated wrap is.

Yeah.

And like, this isn't a wrap I necessarily would have heated, but on the cardboard packet, it said, heat me.

I couldn't argue.

Not with Soho Sandwich Company.

No.

So yeah, I think I have an amazing rap where all the way through I'm waiting for the the wrap to start.

And nope, I think that's just it.

But I guess the standard of food in airports is so

generally shit, I'm just not that surprised.

Yeah.

You know, no one goes to an airport for a bargain pint or whatever.

Similarly, no one goes there for a delicious sandwich.

The flight does that thing where it goes gate information at 18.55

and at 1856 it says closing.

Yeah, yeah.

Nice bit of jeopardy.

But presumably in Bristol, you know, you're in gate one or gate 1A, right?

Or is it a bit bigger than that?

Yeah, somehow it's got none of the conveniences of a small airport.

Tiny airport.

Yeah, okay.

So you go down passages all the way to get the tiny Irish Erlingus twin propeller plane, Indiana Jones kind of vibes to it.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's fine.

That's been a lot of this tour.

Now, interestingly, I have carried out the whole tour, Max, with a never-checking a bag.

And I don't know if you know this about my comedy.

I play a small novelty keyboard that is

30%

longer than what you're allowed.

Okay.

But the one perk of having the short legs, long torso is that I carry it in a sports bag and I have it hanging down from shoulder to arse directly behind me.

And when I'm standing in line, if I see a member of staff come up to check the bags, I don't know.

I stand rigidly with my back to the wall and a kind of thousand yard stare where I'm just gazing off into the distance.

And it's worked every single time.

On this flight, they were nicking everyone for having cases that didn't fit into the sarcophagus of doom.

So

you've done it again, Doddsy.

Well done.

I mean, there is nothing sad, you know, when they just come out and they say, we're going to have to put that in the hold.

And you're like, this is going to add 15 minutes, you know, at the carousel.

Yeah.

And I'm so angry about it.

And actually, it's always fine.

No, it's 50 quid.

They want cash as well these days.

They want cash.

Oh, wow.

Wow, this is okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No way.

Yeah.

Me and the helicopter aren't.

put beside each other on the flight because we've messed up with the booking of the tickets.

I am sitting beside a very large...

Do you know a man who describes his watch as a timepiece?

Okay, I'm excited.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's a big lad, but he's also

got his legs spread out.

Lovely.

Like, I know this is something that ladies complain about,

and you're inclined to be like, oh, come on.

But then, no, no, no, there are dudes like this.

And elbow, take up the whole armrest.

Elbow takes over.

You're squeezed in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I am filled with the joy of a day off in Bristol.

So I decide to go to war with him.

Great.

We're connecting on two points.

Yeah.

From biology, I think the elbow and the knee, where we're touching, are they hinge joints?

We're double-hinging.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is a hinge war.

You're double-hinging.

Yeah.

Okay.

But you're looking straight ahead.

Oh, absolutely.

No, more than that, I'm scrolling to show that I don't give a shit.

But

I will die in defense of this armrest.

Yeah, okay, this is good.

It's getting a little bit spicy.

I mean, he must be noticing.

I've also made the point of leaving my jacket on such that it is annoyingly hanging down into his area here.

And you're wearing one of those Sergeant Pepper's tattooed ones, aren't you?

Then just as the plane is about to take off.

There's a moment where we're just sitting there.

We've enjoyed the safety briefing helencopter reaches forward from two rows behind i think she might have had to call out actually she's not like mr tickle from the mr band where she can just reach forward several rows she says spare a seat beside me so i grab my gear oh wow wow i don't want him to think that he's won of course because this is probably his dream was for me to go away

so okay i say something like love calls.

Please say you said that.

Then just go back,

sit with the helicopter.

We have failed to download any puzzles or crosswords.

How long's a flight?

It's what?

An hour?

Yeah.

We have a drawing contest instead.

Ah, okay.

Mine is the first choice, which is horses.

We both draw horses and then review each other's horses.

She's drawn not a bad horse, but it's in profile and her far legs, she makes them too small.

So it's like the horse is maybe 30 feet wide, which is a terrifying animal.

Like it's a horse,

the width of a Land Rover.

The flaw of my drawings is I give everyone the same eyes.

I give this horse kind of gormless eyes.

So then I give it sticky out teeth then as well.

we put the pictures on the show notes sure white horse and then i did weird horse yeah then we both drew bananas that was her call

and then it's a good game this yeah and then we did portraits of each other hers was sort of photorealistic her one of me which is probably a safer way to go Yeah, because once you venture into the realm

of cartoon, then it does seem like like you're an actual cartoonist and you're emphasizing.

So I gave her sort of Garfield droopy eyes

just because I draw a great Garfield.

And she wasn't happy with that.

She was wearing a light leopard print scarf that I tried to draw.

And then she asked me if I'd given her a hairy chest.

Does she have a hairy chest?

Yeah, she really does.

Yeah.

She's got a full life.

Richard Keys, isn't she?

during the ambiguous years before me and mrs rushton actually got together we drove across italy and we went to the affizi gallery in florence i think isn't it the birth of venus botticelli's birth of venus is there i believe right so we bought sketch pads and sat there and drew the birth of venus and what's funny is if you see someone in a gallery with a sketchpad drawing something you think oh well they're an art student yeah

jamie's actually really brilliant at art yeah quite a lot of her pictures are up in the house i believe i have creative talents I don't think they're best placed with art.

It's really funny.

So we're there and we're really trying with my soft pencils, but I'm absolute shit.

And so, you know, Venus is in the birth of Venus of other people.

But mine is so bad.

But what you see is you see like tourists looking at the birth of Venus and then coming to walk around behind us to see how our art is and then walking off.

And you can just see so many of them thinking, someone's got to tell him.

Like,

someone's got to tell this guy.

Ah, it's not for him.

You know, just arm around the shoulder.

You know, like, he needs to be released.

He needs, he's on the YTS scheme.

He needs to be released.

You're never going to make it, son.

No sense that you are exploring.

You know, it's your own interpretation of it.

Right.

No, because it looks like I'm trying to draw the birth of Venus, but like, she's got like a club foot

and like tusks.

Like, it's just terrible.

I've made it for Jay.

We've got like the actual birth of Venus, not the actual, you know, like a print of it.

And on either either side are ones yeah frames it's the shell it's the sort of oyster shell type thing yeah yeah yeah but mine looked more like a brevel mine's like a club foot elephant coming out of a brevil and Jamie's looks like the birth of Venus

We land no baggage to pick up because I've once more absolutely done the system.

Yeah, defeated O'Leary.

Yep.

Get home in the taxi.

When you get home, that's the first time that the tour is officially over, to be honest.

You know, because

travel is still part of the tour.

I mean, obviously, the tour wasn't me and the helicopter eating loads of cheese, but we put on a movie then.

We put on See How They Run, which is a Seir Sharon and Sam Rockwell Agate the Christie thing.

Oh, okay.

Which is remarkable because Tim Key appears unexpectedly

in a reasonably big part in it a good friend of mine who I've asked three times to come on the podcast each time responds capital letters no

it's good in a way because I can't interview him because I find him too funny do you know what I mean well yeah I don't want to be fawning with a guest you know well he's very good in this we're gonna get him one day we are gonna get him.

Yeah, because he's off doing, I suspect he plays his cards close to his chest.

I met him for a pint a few weeks ago.

It's very hard to find out what he's up to at the moment.

Now, I think people who are in movies and things generally don't tell you what they're working on at the moment because you'll find out about in 18 months.

I can't tell you what I'm working on at the moment.

I think that's his reluctance to go on what did you do yesterday because he would have to do what did you do 18 months ago.

Got it.

Yeah.

Which is a more difficult podcast to do yeah yeah yeah this is a better idea than that for sure even though it's a thriller of sorts helicopter falls asleep she okay holds the distinction of having fallen asleep through some of the world's most exciting movies don't say the goonies she's not falling asleep in that she actually stayed awake through jaws so i think the goonies okay might be one that she could

it's a whodunit she falls asleep for i would say all of act two and then wakes up for the conclusion and just pretends she knows what's going on like it's not possible she is able to follow this then we go to bed that's my yesterday max it's a really big day good day big day big walk good food

you know some transit always like some transit yeah movie a glass of something What a day.

Yeah, I feel it's nice to commemorate the end of a tour.

If you don't acknowledge things to yourself, life can get a bit flavorless, a bit just like this lollipop that keeps on going.

Yeah.

Like you're just, every Monday is exactly the same.

And then if you're made to look back at it once a fortnight to think, every Monday I have is the same.

That it does.

You're right.

The lollipop becomes flavorless.

You're right.

How will we commemorate the end of our world tour?

Oh, yeah.

How will we do it?

Oh, well, we'll make sure it coincides with big street party, with the carnival in Rio, and we'll get afloat.

That's a good idea.

And

we'll be dancing in little gold skirts.

Yeah, okay.

I mean,

that's how we'll do it.

Now you've said that, that's how we have to end every live show we do.

Carnival style.

Well, if you'd like to get in touch with the podcast, this is how you do it.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudo yesterdaypod at gmail.com.

Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod.

And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

And if you didn't, please don't.

Thanks, David.

Thanks, everyone, for listening.

Everything is showbiz.

That's all I have to say.

It's good that we've kept this one short as well.

Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, yeah.

With these tight midweek 35 minutes, that's it.

Get it out.

Posh, posh.

Let's get this done.

Just before we start this, we're like, come on.

I'm on the first T in 15 minutes.

Let's go.

Thanks for everything, Max.

Yeah, no, thank you for everything.

Hello, Max Rushdom here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

Dog by the Bakery Door is a charming story of the magical things a little boy sees on a normal trip to get a coffee with his mum.

Perfect for newborns, three-year-olds, six-year-olds, all children.

Just Google Dog by the Bakery Door.

Here's a review from my three-year-old son.

Dog by the Bakery Door.

I have this book.

Full disclosure, the author might be his mother and my wife, but even more reason to buy it.

She has to live with us and a baby 24-7 has sacrificed her career for mine while also being an amazing mum to two boys.

Thank you.

Goodbye.