S2 EP12: Jess Knappett

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton.

And I'm David O'Doherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hey, welcome to Series 2 episode.

We don't know anymore, but it doesn't matter, David.

It's the 100th episode of series two.

This is a tricky one.

So Jess Napot's coming on, who's brilliant and hilarious.

You'll know it from all the things.

No, don't say that.

Jess wrote and starred in Drifters and has been in tons of cool stuff since then.

She hosts a podcast that is probably the most similar to ours, Max.

I'd say it's a direct direct rival.

It's called Prophet Day.

And I'm absolutely furious that she's been allowed onto our podcast.

But I think the key, David, is we don't mention it.

So absolutely no mention of it.

Really?

We're just.

It's got a giant animal with a trunk

in the corner of the room that somehow...

She could be coming onto this podcast to ruin it.

I don't know how malevolent Napit is.

I'll try.

She's not malevolent.

She was once the star.

I had a failed sitcom pilot that she was quite clearly the best thing in by a billion miles.

Do you want to redo it and

I could be in it?

Okay, yeah.

It's set on an Antarctic ship frozen in the ice in 1915.

My sitcom idea.

which I don't think you think is a good idea where you play my brother on Zoom.

That is, I seriously think it's got legs.

What's the sitcom idea?

I don't want to say it.

I think it's too good to actually tell people about it yet.

But how are we brothers?

We don't sound similar at all.

Yes, yeah, that's the thing.

And Daro Brien's another brother and Barry Glendenning's my other brother.

We only ever meet on Zoom.

Honestly,

I haven't written anything because I don't know how to write scripts, but I think it's got legs.

I think it's got legs.

It's called, wait for this.

It's called Max.

Okay.

So let's get on with today's guest.

Yes.

I'm excited to meet Jess.

Well, let's look.

Cards on the table.

We've just finished the episode.

It is really good.

It's a very busy day.

A lot happens.

And as long as we don't mention the rivalry, I think.

Yeah, we'll definitely try not to mention that in the one that we've just recorded and are clearly aware that we mentioned it pretty much straight off the top.

Yeah, here it is.

Jess Nappett, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Thank you.

Hello.

Thank you for having me.

We didn't rip off your podcast.

They're different.

No, you didn't.

Who came up?

I'm really glad we've started with this.

Yeah.

This is the elephant in the who came up with the idea for your podcast.

Not me.

Let me just say that in full confidence.

I booked the guest.

Who came up with the idea for your podcast?

Well, the thing is, I had been listening to, do you know, Jess Nappett?

She's coming up with some ideas.

And I was like, that is perfect.

Days are a good idea, but that's gone.

But I was trying to think of a thing a bit like that.

That's how I came up with this.

So it was you, Matt.

This is a bit like Robert De Niro and Al Pacino meeting in heat.

It is, actually.

And I can't remember anything of either of them that either of them said because it would be really good if I did.

Yeah, if we both knew it.

So my real question to you, Jess, is what are your intentions?

Because you obviously host Perfect Day, the podcast.

We're not so different, me and you.

We're both in the day market.

We thought we had the day market.

We're huge day fans, all of us.

We are.

We love days.

And are you here?

You know, is this subterfuge?

Oh, yeah.

Are you here to take us down?

It's industrial espionage.

Right, I see.

But I'm not being very subtle about it.

Right.

Because a i'm on the podcast yeah in broad daylight and b i've just said it out loud yeah that's true that's how we keep our eyes and ears open david during this record like the way we've subtly got around it from trade descriptions is ours is called what did you do yesterday brackets if yesterday was your perfect day

that's how we just sort of like you know when little come out with a bag of crisps that are remarkably similar yeah it's like the cheese puffs from ms that are Whatsets

and they are referred to in our household as Whatsets, but they're cheese puffs, and actually, they're probably more expensive than Whatsets anyway.

Yeah, actually, what I've just admitted to there is that, yeah, I sometimes do my big shop in MS.

Wow, good for you, good for you, it's doing well, yeah.

Perfect day is doing well, is what we've learned from that.

Really well, I just want to say that there is a big difference between our pods, isn't there?

Because I'm based purely in the fantasy realm and you're based in cold, hard fact reality.

There is no fantasy to this.

No, no, no.

There's no dream element whatsoever.

It's the masculine versus the feminine.

Oh,

interesting.

And we know who's winning that war, don't we?

I sometimes feel that men don't get enough say, do they?

Middle-class men.

There's just not enough avenues for us to express how we feel about things, Jess.

No.

We've invited you on this podcast to tell you you that.

But in all seriousness, I love what you do and I love what I do.

And I do think they're genuinely different enough legally to the point where I'm not going to say.

And I'm happy for all of us.

This is a fun hour of mediation right now, beginning with...

Jess, what time did you wake up at yesterday?

Actual yesterday.

No, no, it will be actual yesterday.

I've documented the whole thing in in my notes app.

Great, great.

5.10 a.m.

I'm waking up in a hotel in Tunbridge Wells

with a headache.

No idea why you're there.

And because,

whereas your podcast could inquire as to other days rather than yesterday, we just have to just carry on from this place.

It's going to have to be the reality, I'm afraid.

Is the headache a splitting headache?

Is it more of a kind of dull, is it like the first thing you notice?

Yeah, it's the first thing I notice.

It's a sharp pain.

And I think,

what did I do?

How much did I drink?

Oh,

yeah.

And I think, nothing at all.

I'm on day 75 of 100 days sober.

Wow.

I do think that's what caused it.

Clearly, this is a tension headache from not being lashed.

Is it every 25 days is like a kind of, it's the way it works.

I'm not experiencing this, but the way it works.

So on day 75 is a real killer day.

That's the killer day.

No, do you know what it was?

There is an explanation for the headache, actually.

The explanation is

I'm wearing a sleep mask and it's too tight.

And I know that.

I know that.

And I'm still committing to it because I like the texture of it.

It's velvety and I've chucked it it in my suitcase thinking you'll need that, forgetting it's too tight for my massive head.

So, is it like an aeroplane one?

Because I'm with you, sometimes you have one of those.

The one that they give you is designed for people with very small heads, and it's always disappointing.

But once it's on, you're like, it's doing the ball in, so I'm not taking it off.

No, it was a gift from a friend, and it's a really nice, fancy one.

I think from somewhere maybe like Liberty.

Wow.

Possibly.

It has that kind of a William Morris style design.

Wow.

Okay.

Do you have real fancy dreams when you're wearing it?

And this music is playing in the background always.

And people are like, welcome to sleep, my lady.

Shall we dance?

Are they the sort of dreams?

Yeah, it's exactly that.

There's harpsichord.

Actually, you know what?

I was in period costume only the day before.

Oh, is that a lady thing?

Do you have to dress in a whole outfit?

I thought we'd done away with that in the Middle Ages.

You could just carry on with your life, jumping out of aeroplanes, etc.

Roller skating across down the beach.

Just rags, just

shove, spewing out rags.

Get to the red tent, which

no, this is my way of subtly dropping in my acting career.

Yeah.

It's the reason why I'm in the hotel in Tunbridge Wells.

Got it.

I was filming the day before.

I'd had to get up at 4 a.m.

Right.

And then I rapped.

I was brought back to the hotel because I can't get back to where I live in Yorkshire.

I'm laid to rest.

I'm not fed.

I'm laid to rest in the hotel.

This is possibly, it's either a transit date, which I love, or the first guest who actually did something yesterday.

And we're going to find out.

This is very exciting.

I had one more question about the sleep mask which is did your friend buy it for you and was too polite to buy it for your actual sized head and bought you a smaller one okay it's a good question I don't think

don't know but I believe that most sleep masks are one size fits all I don't think you can go into a shop and say my friend's got a massive head can you help me yeah you can't say anything these days but I'm gonna say it do you have a big head like a giant balloon like someone from a children's cartoon in the 80s?

You know what I mean?

You should never ask a woman her age or the circumference of her skull.

Unfortunately, David has done it.

David has.

Yeah.

I actually didn't think that I had a massive head, but I guess I must do because of this situation.

I once sort of had an obsession with Sam Allardyce, former England manager.

He's a big head with the size of his head.

And sort of, I was doing a TV show in which we would, I kept saying we're going to measure his head.

And at one point, we got one of his players.

Oh, right.

You actually said that out loud

during an interview.

Yeah, yeah.

And I was taken off that show, Jess.

Not, I mean, I don't think it was specific.

It's weird that you're doing podcasts.

Yeah, isn't it?

In a shed.

But that's fine.

But the thing was, we eventually got one of his players to measure his head.

But the trouble is, they put the tape measure around his head and they went, da-da, it's however big it is.

But because we just don't know,

it was such an anti-climax.

Because what is a big head?

No one knows.

Is 50 inches a big head?

You can't get a gauge on that, can you?

I mean, 50 inches is a big head.

Thinking about waists.

Yeah.

It is 50.

He

didn't have a 50-inch head.

But you take my point.

We need a control of the person with the most average-sized head, and we don't know who that is.

Well, spin off pod.

Let's combine forces.

I'm pretty sure my parents would know what a big head was because they're so old.

They're of the era where you got a hat in nine and three quarters.

You know what I mean?

Like, my dad definitely knows the width of his neck and stuff for when he's getting a shirt, as opposed to me who just buys a shirt in large, the neck doesn't do up, and so you always just wear it with a loose tie then at the wedding.

I mean, and I mean this lovingly, David.

I don't think anyone's expecting you to do your top button up.

Really?

Is that fair?

Yeah.

Is that fair?

I think it would be very off-brand for you to have your top button done up.

I see myself as a sort of Scandinavian architect type guy, just in a black shirt who arrives at my desk, just has a pen and a piece of blank paper on it.

That's what I see myself as, the reality being just flames rising from a bin as I walk towards the desk with a boner, you know, just chaos, utter flames and boners.

Jess, it's 5.11.

Yeah.

Right.

So

we're doing well.

We're really, we're cracking through this day.

We'll be done very soon.

You've got a headache.

What happens?

Well, there's only one thing for it, isn't there, at this point?

You're going to chug back the water.

You're ripping off the sleep mask.

You're going for a slash.

You're chugging some water and you're going back to bed for a reiki meditation oh wow because you're going to meditate that headache away and hopefully what you're going to do is you're going to fall back to sleep because your taxi's not even coming till 8 a.m while you're even awake shit yeah it's a long time i don't know a lot about rei meditation what you may learn from this is i don't know a lot about much yeah like is this an online thing or can you just do it with your mind do you need your phone to start the reiki meditation, or can you just do it?

There is an app that I use called Insight Timer.

I can type it into that.

So could you if you wanted to, and it's a guided meditation.

You press play, you lie back.

Nine times out of ten, I'm falling asleep during that.

Yeah, right.

But not this time.

This is the one out of ten because, frankly, I've already had eight hours' sleep.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Sorry, I was activating my sympathy gland there.

Don't, don't.

But you therefore went to bed at 10 o'clock or something because

you're no crack at the moment because you're off the booze.

I am crack.

I am crack.

I am crack.

It's okay.

You are crack.

You are crack.

No, but I'm not.

There was no party.

Everyone finished and then we all, everyone went their separate ways last night.

I was the only one staying in the hotel.

Not last night, but you know, the yesterday last night.

Hard thing is, David, we're not allowed to ask what it might be.

No.

A death in Paradise spin-off.

It could be the ultimate, but we just can't.

No, it's better than that.

Nothing is better than that.

Wow, that's a huge claim.

Small part, big film.

Hollywood.

Robin Hood Prince of Thieves 2.

It's Robin Hood Prince of Thieves 2.

Yeah.

Everything I do, I still do it for you.

That's the byline underneath it.

Did the Wakey Massage not work?

Because you can select who tells it to you and you selected Alan Carr voiceover.

Oh,

that Alan Carr, because there's two Alan Carr's.

Oh, good point.

There's one of Reiki practitioners.

Oh, I'm a lie down.

No, I don't know.

It just didn't do.

It did the trick.

The headache went away.

That also might have been the ibuprofen.

But I didn't fall back to sleep.

But it didn't matter.

I got up, made myself a little espresso.

Oh, interesting.

I'll stop you right there.

okay having just been on tour the clear distinction is between

ness cafe

just pour it in powder coffee versus the sheer power grace and joy of the espresso machine and it sounds to me like you were staying in a four-star hotel madam I would say I think it was on the cusp of, I think it was once a four-star hotel.

But it did have a Nespresso machine.

Yeah, you are right.

Question.

In the coat hangers, did they have a padded, almost like they were in little wedding dresses?

Oh,

I didn't get that far.

I didn't hang anything up.

It was only there for one night, two nights.

I just scrunched my clothes up into quite a tight ball.

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So I would have had a bath in this situation because I am a divil for baths.

I love them.

I can't get enough of them.

I'd had one the night before, though.

Oh, yeah, that would be too much.

Your body.

I didn't need another one.

I did need, well, first, I needed to try and get Alanis Morissette tickets.

Ah, okay.

And what time did they come online?

They've been online for a long time, but I thought, you know what, I've actually got a couple of hours here.

I can sort through the world tour destinations.

I can get on my WhatsApp groups like my Geist with my mates from home and we can sort this out.

Oh, great.

I had a couple in my basket, but of course, it's 6am.

No one's responding to their WhatsApp.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

Did you have a couple in your basket and the others giving a peace sign?

Yes.

Oh, God.

I sure did.

So what did you do?

Did you think, I'm just going to go for this?

No, I struggled.

I did start getting responses at 7 a.m.

We left it in the end because I was about to do something mad,

which was by the only tickets that were left in Amsterdam, which were gold VIP tickets.

Oh, you've got to do it.

How much is a gold VIP Alinus Morissette in

three gold VIP tickets?

Yeah.

800 quid.

Is she doing all of Jagged Little Pill in a row and no other songs?

I mean, of course she is.

I mean, she'll do some other songs, but that's what you want.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what we're asking.

You ought to know.

You're getting you ought to know.

I want

you to know that I've spent £800 on these tickets.

So I didn't do it anyway.

I didn't do it.

I didn't do it.

Okay.

Thank you for not doing it.

That's an obscure because that's not from Jagged Little Pill.

No, it's not.

What I need to point out here, Jess, is my colleague Max has incredible knowledge of specific eras of culture to the point where I think the last album he got was either Hard Fi or Top Loader.

Yet somehow

he knows Jagged Little Pill.

That's yeah, but that's because that's the top loader era.

I guess it is.

Yeah, yeah.

Top loader.

Dancing in the moonlight.

We bought Jagged Little Pill on CD on a road trip me and my wife were on.

I can't remember.

I think we're driving through the States and we only had about four CDs.

So occasionally we'd listen to cereal or something, and then we'd just put Jagger Little Pill on.

Just on repeat.

It is an incredible album.

It's a great album.

Truly.

And I can't remember now.

I'm not going to be able to remember the names of them, but I'm sure that somebody from Foo Fighters plays on.

Yes.

Or a couple of members of Foo Fighters, potentially.

Lee from the Red Hot Chili Peppers plays the bass.

It's like an insane lineup, the backing band.

Jess, with respect.

Shall we crack on?

She's not been up to much lately.

Now, how dare you?

Does this affect your perception of her that

she is from 1994 when I went out with Roseanne and Roseanne would make me sit in a chair and listen to the whole album on CD straight through?

As in Roseanne Barr.

Roseanne Barr, that's who I was thinking of.

She went out with Roseanne Barr.

Were you in Roseanne?

I thought it was John Goodman.

Maybe it was David.

Your darlene's dad.

This is amazing.

Yes, Roseanne made me listen to Jagging Little Pill.

Also was very critical of my father because, so she was my first university girlfriend.

Still see her around the place.

Shout out to Roseanne.

And she also gave my father a tough time because he had golf clubs.

And that was the game of the patriarchy.

It was like the perfect university first girlfriend who comes home and just tells your parents they're dicks.

Wow.

Yeah.

Roseanne, you've not ingratiated yourself there.

You're supposed to say nice golf clubs.

I fancy your son.

That's what you do.

You say, what's your handicap, Mr.

Odota?

May I get down now, please?

Yeah, that is good.

All right, so this has taken an hour of sort of umming and ahing over Alanis Morissette.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Okay, so what time are we at now?

We're really motoring through this day.

We really are.

It can't be 8.15 yet.

The next time I've written down is 8.15 because that's when I get in the car to King's Cross.

Okay.

So you've dressed?

Prior to that, I've washed my awful hair.

My hair's awful because it's had to be dyed brown and it looks terrible, but that's because of the film.

So that is a whole thing that is painful for me.

Maid Marion had brown hair.

That's all I'm saying.

Look, it's a small part.

If I was Maid Marion, you'd fucking know about it.

There'd be a deadline article.

Max, you need to use your journalism skills here.

We're going to try and side door into this and work it out such that the articles will be like

Jessnappett reveals new

Lord of the Rings or whatever it is.

Do you want me to have a go now?

If you can.

Okay.

Hey, Jess.

Hey, Jess.

Hi, Max.

What's the movie you're in?

The reason I'm not going to say is because I just don't trust anything anymore.

It's not because it's an exciting reveal or anything.

They don't care that I'm in it.

They're not like holding back on the reveal that Jess Napit's in it.

I don't know.

I just don't trust that anything.

Right.

You know, there was that movie that got made and then they didn't ever put it on Disney or whatever.

And I just don't trust anything.

Right.

So do you think you're...

bit like is a pivotal moment where if like if that doesn't happen then the movie can't because i've heard about stories where people are in films and then they they get cut and you think surely someone should have just worked that out before they paid someone and invited them to Tunbridge Wells anything can happen anything can happen yeah it is a small part I'm just not gonna say okay I'm not gonna say just in case how is Hugh Grant to work opposite

you're not getting me on that okay she's a tough nut to crack David I tried my best Jess the funny thing about this because Max has never listened to this podcast he doesn't know that producer Morrisby edits him out entirely from every episode.

And it's actually just Devin and already in conversation with a variety of people.

Okay, so you've watched your disgusting hair.

Yeah.

Certainly it needs to be brown.

Max, if it's a sort of medieval type thing.

No blondes in those times.

There is no blondes.

Or at least there might be one, and she's the queen.

That would be the only blonde.

Unless they were Vikings.

All the Vikings would be.

So she's not playing a Viking.

We can write off Eric the Vikings too.

Eric the Viking, too.

What an incredible reference.

I loved Eric the Viking, by the way.

Absolutely incredible film.

Which is why you traveled half the length of the country to take a small part in Eric the Viking 2.

The sequel to Eric the Viking.

The Vikings were...

were all lads, okay, we know this, and they nicked the ladies of Ireland.

Like, do you know this about why the Icelandic ladies are such hotties?

It's because prior to retiring in Iceland, which is where a lot of the Vikings went, they came to Dublin and collected all, stole all our hotties and brought them back there.

Can I just say that I don't think the women of Dublin are going to love this as an announcement?

We were left with the Mingers after the Vikings took all the hotties.

But the opposite of that is that when you go to Iceland then, you've got all these Irish-looking butts and then

tiny orc men who are like, oh, good, good,

good,

but can I just say, you're wrong about, I'm going to stand up for hot Irish women here.

Yeah.

I've seen the cause.

I've seen Ashling B.

And bewitched.

Come on, let's be real here.

And bewitched.

Yeah.

So they're not all in Iceland, okay?

So it's 8.15, Jess.

Yeah, it's 8.15, yeah, yeah.

I've got in the car to King's Cross.

That's a long old journey.

Why wouldn't you get the train into London Bridge?

It's the movies.

The transport is provided.

Okay.

So this is a car with a little water bottle in it.

It is a car with a little water bottle in it.

So I was in a car recently that was paid for by someone else.

It had just two seats in the back with a large rest between us.

Okay.

Yeah.

It had two water bottles, one for me, but then there was this sort of hollowed-out area, and the driver had just put in, I would say, 200 were there's originals to fill that.

And that was too many.

Even the idea of it is slightly gross.

I know.

I always feel weird about eating those sweets because in my head, I can still hear my mum saying, Don't get in a car with any strangers and don't eat any sweets given to you in the car with the stranger.

Any chat with the driver on the way?

Oh, yeah.

Loads of chat with the driver because this driver has been my driver for the whole job.

We're best friends at this point.

Oh, this is amazing.

Is he Renez Elweger's driver as well?

Yeah.

So we discuss what he had for tea last night.

We actually did an episode with him yesterday, so we know.

we know that so you'll know yeah that it was cheese on toast we discuss the gourmet options available to adorn cheese on toast we discuss have we both had the cheese on toast available at the restaurant desume yes we have oh well ah it's good isn't it it's really good oh my god yes then what happened the atlantis conversation on whatsapp is still limping on by the way at this point got it okay okay i'm having also i mean that's the wonderful thing isn't it about this modern society that we live in, that we can be having so many conversations at the same time.

Yes, I'm talking to the driver about cheese on toast, but I'm also talking to my best friends from home about Alanis Morissette, my husband about the fact that we need a second car.

We're a one-car household.

We've got to purchase a new second car.

No, no, no, that should be enough.

No, it's not because

mainly I want to have the most partridge sounding second car that we could possibly have at the moment.

We're going for a Honda Jazz.

Nice.

I was going to suggest Honda Civic, the car of my parents.

It's quite good, isn't it?

Achia Sportage is nice as well.

Okay.

So I start reading a review.

He sent me yet another

car option for the family car to replace the current family car that we have.

It's a Vauxhall.

something.

So does Mr.

Nappett want to buy a new family car and relegate what is currently a first choice car to a second choice car.

We want to get a brand new family car and a second choice.

This movie is

we're cashing in our current family car, okay?

This is good.

An amazing thing happens at this point.

I read a review on what car

of the vauxhall, I think it's called like the Vauxhall Gangland.

It can't be called the gangland.

Vauxhall Gangbang.

I don't think that's.

The gangland is also another image.

i don't know what it's called but i start reading the review on what car

and

the actual review which was written by a journalist

mentions my friend matthew lewis who is neville longbottom in harry possession oh yeah he's a nice guy

so it says is he the pioneer of the vauxhall gangbang what is this

read it because it was so funny but then i obviously had to then send it to him I just love how these little funny things happen in the day.

I think it's called the Grand Land, is the name of the car.

Genuinely.

It is the gangland.

It's the gangbang.

It's the gangbang.

Well, if we get it, it'll be known forever.

Kids, in the gangbang, off we go.

Yeah, exactly.

So, this is what the review says.

I'm trying to get an unbiased review here of the Vauxhall Gangbang.

The What Car

journalist says, it's hard to pin down exactly when the term glow-up became mainstream but like Matthew Lewis the actor who played Harry Potter's Neville Longbottom the Vauxhall Grandland can now be added to the list of examples oh Neville has had a glow up in recent times Neville's had a glow up Neville's Neville is now like ridic like outrageously hot he aged well didn't he he's got like a 12 pack he was my boyfriend in the sitcom that I did with Romesh what

and you said he wasn't as hot then?

No, he hasn't had a glow-up since last year, David.

He has one every year.

He's constantly glowing up.

Oh my God, that would have been great if I'd said that to him.

I think they mean since last year.

Send us a pic.

But now he's been compared to sort of sensible family cars.

It's just, that's an absolute gold.

Isn't that amazing?

So obviously I had to send him that.

And then I'm in the back of the car just having a back and forth with Neville.

God.

The driver is really in detail describing this geez hammock he had.

And you are on three different WhatsApp groups.

You're like,

what's the name of the WhatsApp group with the girls?

Zeitmeygeist.

Oh, not bad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Excuse me.

Sorry, what?

What do you mean, not bad?

Not bad.

Not bad.

And you haven't got a clue why it's called Zeitmeygeist.

Can I ask why?

Because I was less dismissive of it.

I've been quite open-minded to why it's called that.

Unlike David.

I think the appropriate response was, oh, why is it called called that?

I know why it's called that.

Because

the original one was called Zeitgeist, okay?

And then you threw out one of the girls.

One of the girls became a Tory.

So you then set up another one that needed to have a slightly similar name, but was nonetheless.

So you'd never make the mistake of calling it.

I'm a sequel.

Army.

And so you called it Zeitmeygeist.

It's the Eric the Viking 2 of WhatsApp boobs.

No, it's just, it was our catchphrase.

It was our catchphrase at university.

We used to say zeitgeist a lot.

Whenever people were being sort of dicks, actually, it didn't really make sense.

It was stupid.

We used to shout, Zeitgeist,

like that, sort of obnoxiously.

When people were being sort of too cool.

Yeah.

When people had taken on a trend and they'd taken it on too hard

or they'd made a fool of themselves, we'd shout zeitgeist.

Then we started saying Zeitmeygeist.

Oh, good.

Given the last album I bought was Hard Fi.

I can't be accused of Zeitgeistness.

I don't, yeah.

No, you haven't been Zeiting.

I have not been Zeit.

Not today.

It's also possible every

contemporary car review compares the car to someone from the Harry Potter movies.

Oh, that's true.

The Rhino Espass is the Hagrid.

The Disney Micron is truly the Jesse Cave of 2025.

Were you in Harry Potter or Jess?

No, I fucking wish I was in.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to.

Actually, no, do you know what?

No, I don't.

No.

I backtrack.

I'd love to be in this TV series of Harry Potter.

Well, you're in luck because

Max is directing it.

I'm head of casting, yeah.

I don't know who I'd be, though.

Well, I don't know how much of a reimagining it is, but I think you're either...

I'm 40.

I think you're either too old to be obviously too old to be a kid and too young to be a teacher there's not really much in between is there no that's true yeah okay so have we got to king's cross

because i'm thinking rush hour that's going to take hours tunbridge wells to king's cross i'm thinking i've got in the car at 8 15 i'm definitely going to get the 1003 no way no way not a chance there's no chance then that's when i find out 20 minutes into my journey that there's no way i'm making the 1003.

you'd have made it if you got on the train do i make the 1033 Have you gone the Blackwell Tunnel?

No.

We went through a few tunnels, yeah.

Okay, okay.

I did make the 1033, I did make the 1033.

Does the driver at any point say something like, this is gonna hurt, but we'll get there in time and plows through a field, you know, something like that?

Yeah, he did actually.

He said, I'm zigzagging for you, Jesse.

He calls me Jesse.

I'm zigzagging for you, Jesse.

Is that a dance move or was he staying in the same lane, but he was dancing?

We zigzagged through East East London.

Fantastic.

It was great.

And he was pointing out historical

landmarks.

And I politely, I knew them.

I knew the landmarks because I used to live in East London.

But I kept that to myself.

Like what?

What's one?

Well, he was talking about Dennis Sever's house at one point.

Who's that?

So he was saying this place is steeped in history.

I said, I know it is.

Spittlefields.

I think I know what that stands for, Hospital Fields.

Yes, there is a Roman remains underneath that narrow.

Wow.

Who's Dennis Severs?

Dennis Severs house is one of the most incredible living museums in London.

Yeah.

It is a perfectly intact 19th century house.

Shit.

Where's that?

It's in front of Liverpool Street Station on Brushfield Street, I think it's called.

It's absolutely incredible.

And you go in there, they say, don't speak.

The song by No Dad.

Gwen Stefani's there.

No, just what I'm just saying.

That's Celine Dion doing Gwen Stefani, I think.

Just there, Jess.

Yeah.

That's when Celine Dion went on Stars in Their Eyes and said, tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be

Gwen Stefani.

I know what you're thinking.

I have an idea.

So Severs has just gone to the top of my list as, he's the ripper.

He's the ripper.

Jack the Ripper.

And if his house hasn't been touched since the 19th century, there's still clues in there.

So I say we get the old bill round there and we dust it down and we do what I call historical detectiving.

That is a fantastic idea.

Do you want to come on Perfect Day?

Because you're...

I think you'll find you're dipping into the realm of fantasy, mate.

Stay in your lane.

The clues in the name.

Sever's.

He severed those poor ladies in half.

Thank you.

Dennis severed.

Are you suggesting we ring 999 now i'd like to report a murder yeah please please leave the street

so hang on you begged the 1033 but what i know want to know is is it a run to the train can you get to prett i get to pretty of course you do casually buy a flat white and a baguette because that's actually all that's available a mini baguette yeah it's the mini one it's the mini one and then i stroll to the platform

and the best thing that can possibly happen when you're getting the train to Leeds is

it's the old LNER train.

It's the old style.

It's the old style.

Now, if I know this movie, they've given you a

first class ticket as well.

Well,

actually,

they've given me a flexible, which is very expensive,

open return standard.

I get on

first class because I think, well, I can buy myself an upgrade, can't I?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Then what happens?

A wonderful thing.

I seat myself in first class.

It's very quiet.

It's the old style train, so the seats are really comfortable.

Cool.

Cushions.

Yeah.

Because the new trains, by the way, are so bad

that people actually ripped off the cushions because they were too hard.

Shit.

That is a hard cushion.

It's very poor, actually.

Is it softer underneath the cushion?

It's softer underneath the cushion, yes.

Wow.

That's how bad the upgrade is.

Anyway, I got on first class.

The ticket conductor lady comes up to me.

I said, please, can I buy an upgrade to first class, please?

She said, yes.

She starts to put it into her machine.

She said, I said, isn't it nice when it's the old trains?

And that's the secret code.

Is that the code?

I said, yes, I love it too.

I said, they're just so comfortable.

And she said, yes, and they're very nostalgic, aren't they?

I said, Yes.

And she went, Oh dear.

What?

My machine's not working.

And then she winked at me.

Oh,

amazing.

This is a perfect day.

I see what you're trying to do here with this.

And then they come round and they say, What do you want for breakfast?

And I'm thinking, I've got a bag, get in my bag.

What have I done here?

I've doubled up.

Oh, no.

And I said, I'll have the frittata, please.

And he went, you're in luck.

It's the last one.

It must be your lucky day, he said.

Stop it.

Stop it.

So by being nostalgic with the ticket inspector, she has just because she loved those old trains as much as you.

Yeah.

She ripped off the shareholders of LNER to help you.

Who I think are the government, actually.

So I don't think we mind.

You know the downside of these trains, though.

Obviously, it's the little doored in carriages, like the little individual sections.

Okay.

jess has got a sleeper as well probably

so she's in a big duck down duvet with the frittata you hear like the sound of the china rattling china entree as it's just i'll just put that there for you miss snapp it but you know what happens then a belgian guy with the big moustache appears there's been a murder yeah we're coming back to the murder and then of course i had to get to work

Solving.

Solving off she goes again to solve.

Murder she podcasted is the modern version of effectively what you're doing.

The train to Leeds, it's a two and a half hour train.

It's two hours, three minutes.

Great.

Are we talking Stevenage, Peterborough,

Newark, Doncaster?

Wakefield, Westgate.

Bit of Grantham, or maybe not.

I don't think there was Grantham on this one.

Okay, interesting.

Wakefield, Westgate, certainly.

no further questions no further questions your honour what do we do on the train what else is there a succession of tasty treats being come is it like be my guest do they keep coming in with wobbly jellies and like you'll have another spoonful there mrs chess

is it like that it's just like that yeah it's just like that it's a lot of tea yeah

it is a lot of tea and bickies

they love to chuck little brownies at you they cannot give those highly salted,

thick crisps away fast enough.

Yep.

And how empty is the train?

Is there anyone near you on the train?

Interesting.

Any celebs?

Any lead celebs?

Lead celebs.

Yeah, lead celebs.

The Kaiser Chiefs, are they there?

The Kaiser Chiefs are all there.

Sarah Lancashire.

No, she's not from Leeds, but she does the Yorkshire Tea Advert.

I can't think.

Freddie Flintoff, he's there.

Yeah.

The woman who presents BBC Yorkshire News.

She's presenting from the corner.

Who's there?

She's there.

Richard Whiteley is back from the grave.

Jeffrey Boycott is there.

Yeah.

Anita Rani's in the corner, actually.

Yeah.

Okay.

Doing some journalism.

Doing some journalism.

Yeah.

And I think that's it.

Who's who?

It's a who's who, isn't it?

Yeah, they're all there.

There's just a guy next to me and a businessman who hasn't got any earphones, actually.

He's watching some clips on his phone oh no

loudly yeah he doesn't do it the whole time but it's all right i've got my i've i have got earphones and they are noise cancelling and i will put them in my ears this is slightly unrelated but my favorite headphone story based on a train is my friend gabby was having a bit of a sad day and she was sitting on a busy train with her laptop and she played the whole of sending the clowns

she was like it's a bit quiet on her headphones.

She realized, obviously, the song ended.

The really busy train.

It just hadn't clicked in the whole song.

She just wanted to have a moment to moke.

Send in the clowns.

The whole train just singing in a beautiful harmony.

They're already

here.

Oh my God.

And everyone's probably shaking their heads at her quite subtly.

And she's thinking, yeah, this is the sort of day I'm having.

It feels like people are looking at me with disapproval.

Maybe I'm just sad.

So, yeah, I'm doing some admin.

I'm doing some admin on the train on my phone.

Are we any closer to Alanis Morissette tickets here?

No.

What's happened is...

A couple of the girls aren't sure if they can get off work.

One of them's husband might be in Porto.

So we're leaving it.

We're leaving it again for another two weeks, probably until all tickets are sold out.

Is Alanis using dynamic pricing?

I actually, I'm not sure if she is using dynamic pricing.

Yours is better.

Dynamic pricing.

Thank you, dynamic pricing.

That'd be bad if she thanked it.

Dynamic pricing, dynamic braising.

This is nothing against the two of you, but I always think with people singing on these things is there actually are songs.

Like people have an active choice of podcast or song.

Come on.

Gee, Pruce.

I just hope someone's listening to this without earphones and

on a train.

The train ride flies, actually.

Shall we crack on?

Because we're probably at about 9 a.m., guys.

Max knows what he's doing here at Jess.

He's calibrated.

I've worked out timings.

This is where we're.

I feel we're coming into day conflict here.

Because Jess thinks she knows the correct.

Yeah, it's a good question, David.

Do you keep it tight, Jess, on a perfect day?

Because sometimes we do, we're an hour in and it is only nine o'clock.

So we probably don't give dinner

the requisite respect that it deserves often.

No, I don't.

I do.

If you're asking me if I adhere to my own format,

the answer is often no.

But you make a good point.

We should get a bit of a rattle on.

It's gone midday and we're in Leeds.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

Now,

something

slightly awkward happens because I've got to go to therapy.

Oh, great.

My therapy session is at two o'clock.

Okay.

It's

1:15.

I haven't arrived yet at my local town train station.

My car is parked at home.

My husband is at home.

My husband very kindly texts me.

He says, Do you want me to come and pick you up from the station?

I said, No, I want you to go one fucking better than that.

Do I want to go?

Do you need to meet me at the station with the car, hand it over and walk yourself home, okay?

Rule with an iron fist.

And does Mr.

Nappet oblige?

He obliges reluctantly.

He's bearing in mind, had to be solo parenting two children for the last two days while I've been swanning about three days while I've been swanning about filming.

And then my greeting is, meet me at the station, give me the keys, fuck off.

How old are the children?

Two years old and seven years old.

Oh, that's not fair.

That's hard.

Well, it's fine though, isn't it?

It's live.

It's live.

Right, so you've got your car, and Mr.

Nappet is walking the 15 miles across the Dales.

It's only a five to ten minute walk home.

He's not actually that pissed off.

He's gone to buy some chicken nuggets from MS.

I'll meet him back at home.

I drive to therapy.

And, you know, the slight disagreement that we've had about that gives me something to talk to her about.

Okay.

I mean, I would have also liked if the train had been delayed and then you had to do it over headphones on the train.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Doing maximum.

Send in the clowns.

Yeah, that would be really good.

Just when the session finishes, there's just a round of applause from the whole carriage.

Then, and how was the session?

I mean, we, I don't want to pry.

Well, I've brought it up.

You brought it up.

Did you leave thinking that was a good one?

Or I'm not sure.

You know, she's just stringing me along now.

No, I don't know.

I never think that she's stringing me along.

No, I left thinking we're nailing this, actually.

I did some seshes a few years ago in the car because there were too many people staying here in the house over vid during the pando.

okay

and the amount of people who walk past your car

and knock on the window

and they're like you're all right you're looking well or whatever

because it just appears to be a boring zoom or whatever yeah it's hard to come back to talking about the events

having someone being like you said you would fix my bike can you do that please I had a therapist a few years ago who decided that he was going to do something called walking therapy.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

And so he said to me, we're not going to meet in the room anymore.

We're going to meet outside.

And then we're going to walk and talk.

And I was like, really?

He was like, yeah, yeah.

It's a thing.

It's called walking therapy.

I was like, right.

And then we stopped even meeting outside the building.

We just met up in Regent's Park and went for a walk.

And I was like, I don't know.

like what if

like i start crying and i'm just going to be crying and it did happen a couple of times.

He was like, don't worry about that.

And then one time he was the same age as me or like a little bit older.

I was walking through the park, bumped into a friend that I had not seen since school.

Of course you did.

Exactly.

She's like, how's it going?

And she just stood there expecting me, obviously, to introduce this man.

Yeah.

Who was presumably my husband, who I just wasn't introducing her to.

And then eventually I just had to say, this is my husband.

I mean, this is my therapist.

And she went, Oh, oh,

and then she walked off.

And then after that, I thought, well, maybe he'll start to see that walking therapy isn't a great idea.

Yeah.

I like the idea that

he might say, We meet in the park, and you arrive, and he's got seven dogs.

And he's running a sidewalk.

He's doubling up.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that story got weirder, but it's a story for another time.

Oh, no.

She ended up going out with him.

Oh, dear.

It's a tale as old as time, Jess.

Yeah.

Okay, we've done the sesh.

We've done the sesh.

We're feeling good.

We're driving home.

We're eating.

What are we eating?

Chicken nuggets.

No, the prattle.

The roll for hours.

Well done, detective.

Has it aged well?

I don't know.

I calculated it.

I was like, it's egg mayo.

Right.

Egg and avocado.

But I was starving by this point.

This is the most deja vu.

There's an episode of your podcast where Amy Gledhill literally has the shits and the pukes for three days because I'm pretty sure she ate this exact pretty bag.

Yeah, chicken.

No, hers was chicken.

You learn nothing.

I know, I know.

Honestly, I was thinking of Amy Gledhill as I did it, but I calculated and I was like, I bought it at 10 a.m.

Okay.

It's 2 p.m.

Four hours at room temp.

I think that's okay.

I said to myself, you'll be fine.

I really believe that that makes it fine.

What was the weather like?

Was it a slightly sweaty egg or was it?

Oh, yeah.

No, it was sunny but cold.

It was a perfectly crisp Yorkshire day.

Right.

So that's fine.

So I'm not worried about it.

I'm not worried about it.

You'd know by now.

And it would have reappeared.

It would have poked its little head out by now, I feel.

You're right.

But if you want to puke towards the end of this podcast,

it'd be a good clip for our very very rarely used Instagram.

Sorry, guys.

The egg mayo and Alfo's back.

Great.

So we go back.

Mr.

Nappet has bought chicken nuggeties.

He's bought chicken nuggeties.

They're in the fridge waiting for dinner time.

It's, what, 2.30?

I get home.

No, it can't be 2.30.

It's 3.

It's more like 3.30.

It's 3.30.

Okay.

So at this point, it's countdown because not actual countdown.

Because what a great show it is.

That's a great show.

I wish wish it was i wish it was tell you

because you do it every day i love that that's lovely i wish no it's countdown to picking up the kids from school yeah do you miss them how does it feel been gone for three days i've missed them and i'm looking forward to it but i also know

what i want to do before i pick them up and it's a bit of a late pickup today because

it's dance club.

Yeah, it is, yeah.

And they're preparing for the dance-a-thon tomorrow.

Wow, so it's a big day.

What style of dancing are they?

I'm imagining Northern Seoul, just because we're in Leeds, where you put your elbows up and you sort of jump around on the floor.

Yeah, they're all in flares with their Fred Perry's tucked in.

They are dancing to I know that one of the songs is Queen's Don't Stop Me Now.

Wow, yeah, so it's a banger, isn't it?

They're learning some quite sort of like literal, you know, like finger wagging.

Okay, let me just step in here.

Where I to dance to Don't Stop Me Now by Queen.

No, no, no.

I wouldn't go literal on it.

I would take the energy of the tune such that opening.

Tonight I'm going to have my sit.

So I'd be dancing sexily.

And you're thinking, oh, he thinks this is a slow jam.

But then the only sign would be, don't stop me now.

So I'd go to a robot.

Robot.

Okay, good idea.

And then I'd go

jog joke on the spot.

So I'm running around the dance floor.

Okay.

Yeah, okay.

And

having a good time.

Having a good time.

And there's a sense of like, and I'm sprinting by this now.

You know what I mean?

And then right up.

So we're sprinting around the dance floor till the guitar.

So Bill, to let it go.

Did it, did, did it, did it, did it.

Knee slide?

Knee slide.

Yeah.

But knee slide through stools.

So stools are smashing out of the way.

And then for the don't stop me, don't stop me, that bit.

It's a call and response with me and the other people who

are good.

Exactly.

Look, this is really good because I've got to go to the dance-a-thon later today, and all the parents are required to dance along at the dance-a-thon.

I should hope so.

You've given me some good ideas there.

No problem.

If any of the listeners need to know one of my dance routines, I have ones for every song ever written.

Drop a message on a five-star review.

Anybody heard of Patreon

content?

That's good, isn't it?

To get David O'Doherty's deeply dippy, but I write said folks, simply send us £45,000

and you will get all two minutes, 20 seconds.

Do you guys want to do an Alanis collab?

Don't try to.

Yeah, it's a great idea.

I genuinely love that.

Which one would you do?

Would you do one hand in my pocket?

Or would you do ironic?

No, I do, you ought to know.

Okay, yeah.

Is that I'm here to remain.

on.

To do that, literally, there are some bits that I think would be awkward in that song.

I think.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Would you go down on me in a theater?

Yes.

All the kids, just

exactly.

Dance-a-thon.

The music teacher's like, okay, just call me Mr.

Wilmot.

You can call me Kevin.

And yes, and now he's getting them all to do that.

Sure, I'm not sure.

You're thinking of me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, we won't do that bit.

No, you shouldn't do that one.

Are they happy to see you, Jess?

They're happy to see me.

Some other children were slightly less happy to see me because I had given away my tickets for the RSC kids performance of the Tempest to another mum.

And as I arrive into the playground, the mum is telling is breaking the good news to her children.

So they all have to go and see the fucking Tempers?

No, they're going to see the Tempest.

those kids are scowling at me like they're putting a hex on me how old are they seven and they've got to go and see the tempest she's got an older one yeah shakespeare's for all ages oh but it's rsc kids oh right okay it's a kids version it's a short version oh yeah

it's it got the cast of rainbow doing the tempest and that's all puppets i'm slightly interested

it's perfect it's very literal dance routines there's something for everyone everyone is scrolling the whole time during it that's the cool thing about it

yeah we pick up the lads the lads

and yeah no i do get like quite a lot of love and affection when they see me are they like how is ava langoria who you've just been in that movie with

what's steve buscemi like in real life mum

Yeah, they just couldn't give a shit about any of it.

It's annoying.

I mean, if it was Harry Potter, they'd be excited but they don't get it or care but they're just happy to see me of course they are my

youngest daughter who is two i say there's some good news guys i'm going to tell you some good news after you've got in the car wow and my youngest daughter says is the good news that you have chocolate

good question and i said are you quite mad and she said

No, I am quite hungry.

Which I thought was amazing.

Yeah.

That's good.

And so we all had a good laugh about that.

And then we were in a good mood.

I told them the good news, which is we've got friends coming this weekend.

Ah, brilliant.

And they were happy about that.

Are the friends bringing kids?

Yeah, they're bringing kids.

Exactly.

Cool.

That's the delight.

Now, hang on.

There is a dip here.

As in, I know, not in the podcast.

Not during the episode, yes.

In the energy of the kids, as in my mom would pick me up sometimes at 3 or 3.30.

And I just remember those days that I would sit just motionless in the car on the lift home because I'm kind of wiped after the day.

So maybe you could have brought a flask of chicken soup.

Maybe I could have.

I find giving my three-year-old a flask of chicken soup is good for the day.

Yeah, just a scolding hot open.

Open down you.

There you go.

Yeah.

Get over some pots.

We'll see.

It was pretty high energy.

And

the kids like asking Siri for songs.

That's their favourite thing to do in the car.

So they're shouting over each other.

Good.

Oh, yeah.

And it's a battle to see who can get Siri to play.

And the youngest wins with Mary Had a Little Lamb by Cocamelon.

Oh, yeah.

Good.

Which under normal circumstances, my husband, because he hates that song so much, will say, oh, no, that one's broken.

Yeah.

And then turn it off immediately.

Yeah, I know that one's broken, but we decided it wasn't broken today.

And in fact, I would crank it up just to annoy my eldest daughter.

And she's screaming and shouting, my ears are bleeding, my ears are bleeding, turn it off.

The other one's laughing.

And we're listening to this terrible, terrible song very loudly in the car.

So you're home.

You're home, Jess.

I'm home.

It's tacos.

Oh, yeah.

Why don't you give us the chicken nuggets?

Hang on a minute.

Chicken nuggets in a taco.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Actually, we are.

Does that work?

Wow.

I think it might be.

Because we just don't know which way it's going to go.

So we've got tacos and we've got chicken nuggets.

And if you want to put the chicken nuggets in the tacos, you can.

Okay.

We've got black beans.

We've got avocados.

Our Mexican listeners are furious.

Losiento.

Elexicanas.

Escucharas.

Mexicanas.

My husband's whipped up a jalapeno yogurt and coriander dip.

Oh, lovely.

For us.

Wow.

Okay.

Did I say cheese?

We're all shoveling it all into our tacos.

We're eating at five o'clock.

Your two-year-old's eating tacos.

Yeah.

Mine will just eat plain bread without the crusts.

You sprinkle cheese onto what is essentially bread, a taco.

Yeah.

And then you put a chicken nugget in it and she'll eat it.

Yeah.

But you won't do nuggets anymore.

Too spicy.

Sorry, do we not have a like a Mexican rice or something?

Do we not need a carb with that?

No, I no ayaro.

No, we don't.

No, the tacos are the carbs.

Yeah, they are.

Don't worry.

We've got fiber, we've got protein, we've got carbohydrates all represented and some

fats, both saturated and unsaturated.

Great, great.

Are you having a drink?

Or not?

Tequila, the whole four members of the family are

slamming them back.

Well, not for me, obviously.

That wouldn't be the moment to be breaking the hundred days.

But

it's just water.

The kids are allowed milk.

It's a special day, and they're allowed to milk.

My eldest daughter nearly wets herself laughing at the table.

Okay.

She has to run off.

I can't remember what it was, but she, it was something the little one did, and she has to leave the table because she's laughing so much.

As she's leaving the table, she falls over.

Oh, no, okay.

And then there's a pause and then she goes, I'm okay.

And then she runs off again.

Thank God for that.

And she's off up to the toilet.

And then she's gone a long time.

And when she comes back, we've actually cleared the table because we didn't wait that long.

We couldn't wait for her.

And she'd finished anyway.

My youngest daughter started heckling me.

So my husband and I were talking in the kitchen.

It's like an open planned kitchen dining situation.

My husband's doing all the washing up and I'm sort of talking to him.

I thought I was tidying up, but in fact, as my youngest daughter shouted at me, Mummy, you're not doing anything.

You're just standing there.

You're just standing there and daddy's doing all the tidying.

Well, that made us laugh a lot.

And then he sort of got her to dig into that.

And then we were asking her things like, who does more

washing up?

And she was going, daddy.

And I said, who does more laundry and she said mummy and I said who does more cooking and she said daddy and was she right was she spot on is she you know she's not gaslighting she was right she was right she was right and then the eldest came back

and declared that she'd written a script

Wow in that time in the toilet yeah so this is the first time that she's ever done this and she had just written down this everything that had just happened like the nature of the conversations and who's as in, like, daddy was doing the washing up and mummy was standing there.

She wrote down the scene of her falling over.

Cool.

That's cool.

Yeah.

But we've been collecting quotes that our little one has been saying, we've been writing them on the fridge.

And I think that she was like copying that idea.

And then she started saying to me that she wanted to write more.

And then she was asking me questions about writing scripts.

So I was like, yeah, this is, come on.

Start them young.

But you'll be disappointed because unfortunately there is a a real dearth of sitcom commissioning at the moment.

She could write a serious drama.

She could write Eric the Viking 2.

Yeah.

There are so many opportunities.

There's a market.

But also you, I hope when you got the script, you're like, yeah, so can we make this character a man?

You just get her used to the studio system.

Have you got a star attached?

Can everyone be 18 in this as well?

Yeah.

Can Brett Goldstein do this?

Do you think think you know him, don't you?

The one time I remember actually losing it was my neighbor

and I still, it still affected me for days after when I just thought back at it.

He told me, and I was probably about that age, he told me the rhyme, Arty Farty had a party.

All the farts were there.

Do you know that one?

No.

Juicy, Lucy, led a beauty and all the farts went out for air.

So I think it was was the fact that my only experience of poetry up until then had been probably fairly worthy verse.

And it was like the invention of hip-hop or something.

This is the sound of the streets when you're seven.

And it's just a poem about farts.

So I lost it, I think, at the end of the first line.

And then he was just like, there's more.

Like we're literally one quarter way through this.

Yeah.

And for him, he's been trying this so many times.

And finally, he's got an audience.

He's like, and he's in the palm of my hand.

You were there.

Wow.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So we've written the script.

We're sort of looking for commissioning, I guess.

We're looking for commissioning.

Then my husband starts working because he works on American time.

So this is when his phone starts ringing and he gets to work.

Does he work on Wall Street?

He works on Wall Street.

Yeah.

I was like, he wish he worked on Wall Street.

And then, so off he goes.

And then it's bath time.

We get, we go early.

We go early to bath.

Good idea.

Is everyone in?

All in?

Seven and two year olds all in together?

Great.

Everyone in together.

I wash my seven-year-old's hair.

It's a big deal because she's got very, very long hair.

And then I have to open up the salon and blow-dry it, which I love, actually.

I really love it.

Do you put the beehive on her head and leave her there for four hours?

Yeah, I do.

With Grazia magazine?

I do put, I put, she loves it because I put a towel on her head and then I let her read her book for a bit while I go and sort the other one out.

And then I come back and then we do, we do, actually, then my husband came back and then he sorted the little one out.

And then after I'd blow-dried her hair, like really straight and glossy, great, looking fantastic.

I'm a bit tired by this point, actually.

Yeah.

Lying on the bed.

I've been up since 5, 10.

Yeah, I've, yeah.

I know.

I actually know that.

And I've been lying.

And so I'm lying on the bed and I'm scrolling, actually.

And she's listening to an audio book which is a sort of dungeons and dragons type thing where you you can choose your own adventure.

So I'm sort of half I'm lying there.

I'm kind of scrolling on my phone and buying some

I'm actually buying some hair care products.

I've been prompted by the salon.

Sorry, Jess.

If you're seven, is it imperative that the two-year-old goes to bed first?

Because you need to, you're basically a grown-up and you have grown-up straight hair now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you're lounging there with an audiobook.

100%.

And the two-year-old is really tired at this point, even though it's probably only 6.30, 6.45.

She's already had like a bit of a meltdown.

She's been crying a bit.

So that's the sign that she needs to get in that bed.

And so off she goes.

Then it's...

Then it's guitar time.

What?

There's guitar time.

You and Mr.

Nappet, you go and play Devil Straits.

No, No, it's the seven-year-old is desperate to become a pop star.

Great.

Now, we've talked about this

and it takes practice.

Does it?

So we've taken inspiration from there's a sort of creative self-help guru who is also an artist called Austin Cleon.

Yeah.

And he says,

and you write the numbers one to 28 in a grid.

And the idea is that you write practice, whatever, guitar suck less,

and you don't break the chain.

So, it's not about get being perfect and getting really good, it's just about doing a little bit every day.

But you're not allowed to break the chain, you've got to cross off

28.

And we're

I've incentivized her because at the end of the 28, if she doesn't break the chain, she can have a bitsy.

A which?

A bitsy or what?

A bitsy

is she can have a some bits.

A bitsy.

It's when you were.

Did you ever have a Tamagotchi?

No, I'm too old.

But if you'd have had, you know what a Tamagotchi is.

If when you'd had a Tamagotchi, you'd have said, oh, I wonder what Tamagotchis will look like in the future.

There'll be a hologram.

It is.

the weirdest, most futuristic little toy.

It's a little thing that pops open and this character comes out and it's basically a sort of hologram.

But you can touch it and kind of detail feel it's like you can it's like it's helpy Obi Wan you're my only hope yeah yeah and you can do little things you can slide across and you have to like feed it and do it but it can it's all different characters anyway she got one for Christmas but she wants the a different one now they're only about 20 quid great

but anyway she she's after a new bitsy so she's got to do 28 days straight question here now so the nature of the 28 day cycle to become a pop star yeah it's only going to take 28 days yeah She's got a guitar.

She has.

Is she learning chords or is she just whacking away on it?

She's learning Willow by Taylor Swift, which is, I think, E.

I think it's just E

A, I don't know.

It's E, A, minor, D, and C, I think.

Yeah.

And she can basically play all of those chords now, but she, but her transitions are the thing.

So I basically make her

do the transitions.

Make her fingers bleed.

Yeah.

Oh, I said to her, Taylor Swift's fingers bleed.

But is she working on stage craft as well then?

And not just, does she do costume changes?

That's an important thing.

No, no, no, she's not allowed to have any fun.

The thing is, it is really tricky because with all of these things, you don't want to bit, like, you don't want to be a pushy parent, do you?

No, but there's a lot of costumes to be in.

I also know

when there's a lot of going to be, there's a lot of Bitcoin to be made.

There's always one really young person on X Factor, you know, and that's going going to bring that back soon.

And if there's an eight-year-old, you know.

The truth is, I

learned loads of musical instruments at school, but I didn't enjoy the process of learning them at all because it was kind of torture.

Yes.

And I just, I sort of think that once you've got the general hang of it, it just becomes really fun.

Well, so my dad is a piano player.

And he would always be asked to do lessons for people.

And

he would, So, with kids, he would always say they had to ask him if they, because I think it had happened a few times where he'd gone out to someone's house and it was a kid who was not particularly interested.

So, with us, his children, he we had to go to him and have specific questions and be like, Dad, how do you play this song or whatever?

And then he'd be, yeah, that's interesting.

Yeah, but the problem with him, because he's a jazz guy, he's so high-level.

His idea of a music lesson is you just put on the radio and you

hear, you know,

Fly Me to the Moon.

And he's like, okay, so now we'll try and play that as a Sama.

And you're like, oh, for fuck's sake, David.

Jesus.

And you've just got a tambourine.

You're like, oh, that's going to work.

Now, Jess, I'm conscious of time because this episode is longer than an actual day.

Very long.

I'm sorry.

No, that's okay.

My fault.

It's probably David's fault.

I wouldn't worry about it because I go to bed at 8:30.

Oh, bro.

Well, let's slow down.

Let's get back into the guitars.

I do try and get her to do

a sort of we rock out at the end of the practice.

I say, now just play whatever you want and like sing about being angry, whatever you're angry about.

And the last time she did it, she went,

I am teething.

My teeth is really hurting.

Actually,

I've always thought about teething.

Like, looking at how bad teething is, it is really a close shave on whether it's actually worth having teeth for your whole adult life.

You know, maybe on balance, you don't go through that pain as a kid to have a better time at 18 months and you don't have any teeth whole life.

Just skip it.

Just skip it.

Skip teeth.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

This is the episode that social services go back listening to.

This is played in court.

And the fact that B and Jess didn't

I haven't stopped his teeth from growing.

That is like, I'm just like, it's sad watching them grow, but I don't like, I haven't like put like, I don't know how you would stop the teething process, but that's not my dragon's den idea.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm looking for, I'm looking for 10, I'm looking for 200 grand in return for 10% of stopping kids growing teeth.

These

clamps, clamps, mouth clamps for toddlers.

That's what I'm trying to sell here, guys.

Jess does the

so the latest part of the 1 to 28.

Is she tired after that?

Having expressed?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, she hates it.

She is agony.

But I coax her because she loves pistachio nuts.

So last night I was standing there just eating pistachios, watching her

watching her practice.

And she was going, I really want some of those.

And I was like, you can have some in six minutes.

You can have some in five minutes.

And then it got to the end, and the timer went off, and she was allowed some pistachios.

And then we went into the sitting room and we sat down and we watched a new show that I'd never seen before.

It's an animated show.

It's a comedy.

It's hilarious, genuinely.

Kristen Shaw's in it.

It's called Gravity Falls.

Oh, yeah.

I've heard about this.

It's really, really, really good.

So we had a good laugh eating our pistachios, watching an episode of Gravity Falls.

Then we went up to bed.

I read her a story.

We had some cuddles.

What story?

What was just give us this?

Was it David O'Doherty?

David O'Doherty's.

Dangerous everywhere.

Yep.

No, it was actually an Enid Blython

stories for seven-year-olds, it's called.

Is that good?

Was there any point in it where you're like, wow, you cannot say this?

I'll say that it is.

Oh, no, it wasn't.

It was really bad.

It wasn't that bad.

This one was fairly safe.

Sometimes, no, they have tweaked them a bit, so they're not too bad anymore.

Right.

So where are we now?

Both of them are asleep.

My husband's upstairs.

He's working.

It's 8.30.

I have a bath.

Oh, yeah.

Can I just ask you?

Yeah.

How do you get into it?

How do you enjoy your bath?

So I've got in trouble on this podcast for revealing my technique, which is to make it insanely hot yeah and then stand there and then slowly build up the courage to placing one foot into it and then i won't go into the details but it involves a slow dipping of the balls right what's your technique well i hate i love a hot bath and i i sometimes

it's too hot because i i fill it up with only hot water yeah and then i have the cold Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I sometimes get sidetracked when the cold's going in, and there's nothing worse

than having to then put the hot in to make it up to get to get it up to temperature.

Yes, sometimes, because my tank's not that big, I do that technique to use up all of the hot, and then if you overdo the cold, there's no way back.

You can't go back.

You have to have a shitty, like, not that warm shower then.

It's one of those things.

If people have had showers in the day and the kids have had a bath, that sometimes the kids haven't had the same bath, yeah, sometimes we can be low and we've got to be really careful.

But tonight was a good night.

The temperature was pretty, pretty good.

We've got some lavender, sort of scented bath oil in there.

And

I'm listening to my horoscopes, actually.

Okay.

Is that a podcast in podcast form?

Is Russell Grant in the bathroom?

That's what I'm talking about.

I I love Russell Grant.

It's an app.

It's an app.

And it's sort of a bit like, I mean, I've already had my therapy for the day, but it's quite therapeutic.

I think it is horoscopes, but I think it could sort of be applied to anyone.

And she'll say things like, you know, just the moon's in Jupiter.

And so you've got to make sure that you take care of yourself this week.

Yeah.

Make sure.

And

it's just, for me, it's 20 minutes of excuses.

And, you know, it's like 20 minutes of excuses to look after, to do nice things

because of the stars.

Does she say that Pratt Sandwich will come back?

Yeah, it's really haunting some of the stuff she says.

Yeah, it's retrograding.

Yeah, and then that is, you know,

I'm cleansing and I'm moisturizing.

I'm getting my jammies on.

Then my husband comes back downstairs.

We have a quick discussion about the Honda Jars in the bathroom.

Oh, yeah.

Lovely.

That sounds like a euphemism, I have to say.

Maybe it is.

And

we discuss whether or not we've got time to watch an episode of White Lotus.

And the decision is

no.

Great, good.

It's great when you come to that decision because

you both know you're going to be watching it going, oh, I can't be asked with this.

Because he's got to go back upstairs and do some more work if he's honest.

And I'm tired, and I know that I'm going to be woken up at five o'clock in the morning.

So I'm going to bed.

Max, I don't think we've ever got to the end of an episode.

And like I said, I want to know stuff about the dance-a-thon.

You know, today seems like we've trailed a lot of stuff for today, but it's not relevant.

So, yeah, we'll just.

Well, I'll have to come back tomorrow then.

We'll see you tomorrow.

Jess,

you've got a spare hour and 45 minutes tomorrow.

Do you?

Tomorrow morning?

Probably.

Probably.

Great.

Great.

Jess, thank you very much for

telling us what you did yesterday.

Thank you.

I like that day, David.

Yeah.

And I, and I, look, my fears about the rivalry were unfounded, so I apologize to Jess Nappett for that.

She was surprised to learn that we're not together, that you are in Melbourne as well.

That was another interesting thing that happened.

Such is our chemistry that

goes around the earth, Max.

It's global chemistry.

Global chemistry.

It's the name of our high-performance podcast, it wouldn't.

And our drug gang,

which is a front for our crystal meth importation operation.

I think it's important to say that I'm not against children having teeth.

what a disclaimer that is oh my goodness it did sound like for a minute you were

even maybe in a tired state that you are now from this teething child you were against children having teeth well interestingly one's got teeth and one hasn't got them yet so i'm in a sort of perfect i'm in the perfect I'm in the eye of the storm.

So I'm not feeling any of the storm.

But what I was trying to say was it just just looks so painful growing them that maybe you'd just be better off not having them totally and so then what would your diet be it would just be for the rest of your life those little capri-sun packets full of turnip yeah it'd be that and and capri-suns you could have them

i guess you wouldn't rot your teeth because you wouldn't have teeth to begin with you wouldn't have to brush them yeah think of all the money you would save on colgate yeah and we wouldn't have braces yeah um you wouldn't have to go to the dentist.

It does sound like you're back in favor of children not having teeth again now.

You'd win sort of Les Dawson impersonating Gerning.

Yeah.

Gerning.

You'd win those.

Maybe it's something we can all think about.

If you have any thoughts on

babies not having teeth

or indeed anything else raised in the episode today, here's how to get in touch with us.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com.

Follow us on Instagram at yesterday pod.

And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

And if you didn't, please don't.

Thank you, David.

Thank you, Jess Nappet, as well.

Oh, that was very kind of

one of the absolute gems of the business of show.

Yeah.

Of which everything is entailed, isn't it?

Yeah, you're a gem.

I'm a gem.

We're all gems.

It's all showbiz.

Everyone's a gem.

Everything is showbiz.

Thanks, Max.

Thanks, David.

Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

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