S2 EP11: Joe Wilkinson

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton.

And I'm David O'Daherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday.

David O'Doherty is here.

Hello, David.

This is an exciting one because

I think I have said a lot of these people are my genuine friends, but Joe Wilkinson's oldest pals in comedy.

He was in a sketch group originally with Diane, who is now Philomena Kunk.

And I think I went to see their show like a creepy number of times at the Edinburgh Fringe one year, where they started noticing me in the audience, in the fairly sparse audience, to be honest, just sitting there day after day.

And I actually wangled my way into the failed TV pilot that we tried to make of that show.

But yeah.

Joe's gone from strength to strength.

Obviously, countdown, eight out of ten cats does countdown.

And then Newt Cockfields, numerous writing projects.

He's a proper actor.

He's in afterlife.

I mean, I've given him a really good intro, Max.

Yeah.

Interestingly, I've never met him.

Yeah.

And yet I was the one that booked him.

And I just think we should just say

for the record.

We have in common, as he's a Gillingham fan, we've both shared the manager, Neil Harris.

And I think that is about as important as the connection that you have with Joe Wilkinson.

Wow, shared the manager does imply you both briefly went out with Neil Harris.

We did both briefly, but it probably won't come up.

And if I could ask you, don't bring it up because it's a sore point for Joe.

So don't say I said it.

When I conceived of this podcast originally, and if you are going to claim to book all the guests, I'm going to claim to this to be my idea.

This was the first person that I thought of.

God, I'd love to know what Joe Wilkinson did yesterday.

And we're about to find out.

Let's do it.

Joe Wilkinson, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday.

Thank you for coming on.

Thank you for having me.

How are you feeling?

I'm paranoid about being hot on my mic, as your producer said.

So I'm really

I was told I was tune in the mic so now I'm sort of fixated at not moving.

No, Joe, what hot on the mic, it's a term in the industry meaning because you were just spitting out crypto stuff.

Was it my rap song that was too much?

Yeah, I've never been confident enough to rap in front of anyone before, so I appreciate that.

I'm really hoping that at some point yesterday you rapped to yourself, and therefore you'll have to do that.

Let me think, let me think.

Did I rap yesterday?

Did I, did I, did I?

Did I, did I, did I?

What's today?

What time does it begin at?

That's really what I want to know.

What time do I get up?

What time do you wake up?

I wake up around about 6.30.

Okay.

Yep.

No alarm needed.

And it's irrelevant what time I've gone to bed.

Yep.

Don't care.

Okay.

Cut that then.

Cut that.

Please come out.

6.30.

I usually

sometimes, this is weird.

And I did it yesterday.

If there's a new football podcast that I want to listen to, I'll listen to that in the dark for a few minutes, maybe 20 minutes, and then I'll get up and begin my day.

I was starting nervous to ask which football podcast you chose to listen to for 20 minutes.

Yesterday, I listened to Rio Ferdinand talk about Rio presents talking about the state of the Manchester United team.

I really love, I love his podcast, but it feels like it's on repeat of this is the worst man new team of all time.

That's the sort of and for some reason I find that incredibly soothing.

Yeah,

a nice way to wake up.

I can't stop thinking about not whether you rapped yesterday, but the fact that we've all rapped once.

And I know this is

relevance.

You must have at one point when you were young, just sort of thought, ah, I wonder what this doesn't sound too hard.

And it's a shame they're not all just recorded.

Like

automatically.

Like AI could go back now and go, this is a rap from your 23rd birthday.

It feels like you're too old to be trying to rap there, Joe.

But you did.

It cuts to me in my bathroom doing the Anfield rapping in 1989.

And then David, I reckon David knows

Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

No, I actually don't know Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but my first ever single that I ever bought with my own money was Roland Rat Rat Rapping.

I'm a big Roland rat fan, but there's always this bit of a double-edged sword for me because my middle name is Roland.

So any reference to

the character in Grange Hill or anything like that, he was brilliant for being fat and stuff like that.

And it's always sort of, it was tricky for me because my best friend, Matthew, at the time, he used to, when we ever met anyone, he would genuinely, first thing he would say was goes, his middle name's Roland, and I don't have a middle name.

So you'd literally would meet people in the playground and go, That's his middle name.

I don't have one.

Go to town.

My first ever duvet cover, I was a sheets man until the age of maybe six or seven, like a little soldier.

And then I remember mum took us into town.

Yeah, for the tight, you know, that's the problem with the duvet.

You'll never again know what it's like to be pinned in by a tuck.

And mum went into town, got the duvet, and she said,

I didn't really realize the mechanics of it.

And she said, choose the duvet cover.

And there was a Roland Ratt rat rapping duvet cover that had him break dancing on it with arrows showing you the leg movement that he was about to do.

Obviously, it wasn't, it didn't have motion on it, but disturbingly, it had full-size, full-legged Roland.

They're just given Roland human legs.

And there's something incredibly disturbing when a puppy

appears full-size.

Like Alf occasionally, and Alf, you'd see his disgusting little alien feet.

This is against the will of God, Alf.

I was at a gig recently, and obviously you'll notice, David, majority of them are young.

Someone was, they talked about duvets, and I I said about, I remember getting first duvet, I think I might have been a teenager.

They were like, what were you using before?

I said, what do you mean what was I using before?

Because they were like 25 or 10, what do you mean what's I using before?

And I said, I was using sheet and blanket.

One of them said, are you really poor?

I was like, no, we all had sheets and there wasn't duvet.

What do you think?

But they didn't have the understanding of like, what the fuck?

Yeah.

Okay, so 6.30, you wake up, you listen to 20 minutes of Rio Ferdinand.

But that's a new thing.

I don't want to, that's not been going on for years.

That's a decadent thing.

I don't really care about yesterday, Joe.

Yeah.

But I wanted context.

I haven't been doing this since the beginning of podcasts.

It's a new thing.

And I probably won't do it again.

Interruption.

David.

Do you have sheets or a duvet?

I mean, that'd be interesting if you had gone back in time.

We have a duvet.

I'm unaware of the tog.

Okay.

I hope that's not the end of the pod then.

It is.

If

my guest doesn't know the tog, then I'm afraid we just.

Okay, well, lovely seeing you guys.

Another tog fail on the pod.

I think you should carry on the pod regardless of the tog fail, but I'm not the producer.

So, with Ferdinand's words ringing in your ears, you pumping your fists just like, let's go with this thing and i'm trying to be quiet and you tap the door as you leave like you're going out to play a match yeah yeah like going down um anfield tunnel yeah touching the touching the glass we don't have that in the bedroom but imagine we do yeah okay but what i'm actually doing is trying to be quiet and using the thin strips of light coming through the velux window to guide me Oh, nice.

Then I'm out.

I'm out.

And I haven't woken Petra up.

I heard a noise the other night that I think was just the heating coming on at 6.30.

But you know, my first thought?

It's Michael McIntyre come to do.

He has a sort of a prank that he does in his show.

That can't be real, can it?

I am in no way famous enough.

Like, imagine what an anti-climax it would be.

Like, let's see who's in this bedroom.

It's a scruffy Irish guy.

I thought about that a lot, and I'd worry about my reaction.

Because you know how tele works, you'd go, I can't get my head around that so what happens basically you got Michael McIntyre grinning yeah as he goes into someone's bedroom and it's never the bedrooms are never as glamorous as you can imagine and there's a celebrity asleep and they wake him up with glitter or whatever you know that

and my two thoughts are now one

TVs usually has some sort of warning you know like we're going to do this thing so they're either like weirdly acting that they're tired yeah or they've just done it.

And if they've done it, and if they did do it to me, I wouldn't behave like Braddy Walsh or Judge

Jules, or whatever his name is.

I'd go, the fuck.

Dawn French, Dawn French was that shotgun and just switch my

guys.

I think not a court in the land would convict her.

She could do no wrong.

I think I'd say to him, How the pissing hell did you find my house?

You asshole.

And then after 20 minutes, I'd be really apologetic.

But I'll be like, can you not use that?

Please don't use me using the C word that many times.

No, I like the idea that McIntyre comes in and you just nod and you just put your AirPods in and listen to Rhea Fernando for 20 minutes.

I'll get up and I've only got a t-shirt on and no pants on.

So I see pinch your show.

You should have warned me.

Comically huge balls as well.

Massive.

No, they're not comic, they're my balls.

David,

you call them comically, Large.

I just call them my balls.

Right, okay, so you're out of the uh, you're free, you're out, Mrs.

Wilkinson is asleep still.

Yep, where do we head?

I come in here, okay.

I come in here, and then I do my podcast.

God, that sounds gum depressing.

Everyone's got that's hit me like a ton of lead now, but I come here.

It's relatable stuff.

All of our listeners have podcasts.

Hundreds of thousands of people listen to this, each one of them with a podcast.

And don't worry, Joe, we haven't had a guest on yet who hasn't done a podcast the day after we've interviewed him.

Do you know what?

I'm stopping podding.

Stop.

Just so I don't have to say, and then I come in here and do a podcast.

Can I just check, Joe?

Have you done anything in between?

You've literally just woken up and just come in.

No, no, that's true.

No,

I'll do some work until David and I podcast.

Not me, that's David Earle.

Me and David Earl do chatterbicks every day with varying levels of how entertaining it is.

You've had breakfast before this, or is this like this is before?

Right, we're talking about yesterday.

What did I do yesterday?

Yes.

I didn't do any of this yesterday.

You know, yesterday.

You've got to be clear on the podcast title guys

no i didn't eat i didn't eat i'll tell you right this is bad i don't suggest anyone doing this but i thought i'm not having breakfast because i ate like a pig last night i'm going for a photo i've i weaned myself off chocolate recently but then we went on holiday for my birthday we went to paris and i ate like a pig and i'm still eating like a pig so i woke up and i was like I was sort of punishing myself for the amount of food I'd eaten.

I mean, I don't have a PhD in this, but I think that's the opposite of what you're supposed to do.

Like, you're supposed to get up and get a paint pot full of Greek yogurt and oats.

You know, try and really fill yourself up like a horse and then not

eat.

Because the problem with this is post-podcasts.

These are all experts.

We're all experts, right?

Carry on.

So take this as real.

If you're listening, this is exactly what you should do.

Sorry, Carol, don't

eat a bucket of dust in the morning.

Try and clog up your bucket.

I should write this down.

Because podcasting is the hardest job in the world and the most tired,

sometimes I do, after it, have a decadence then.

You know what I mean?

I'll have a fag of crisps or something just to bring myself to try and come down from this incredible.

I've probably done the hardest job in the world for nearly 50 minutes.

Yeah.

Plus advertising.

So it's probably after the advertising, about 56, 57 minutes.

Yeah.

Nothing harder.

So what I did yesterday, I did some work, some general work.

Go on.

We need to drill into that.

General work.

Like what?

Have you got a forge in your back garden?

Did you hammer some iron?

I've taken a large piece of wood and I'm making my first ever handcrafted canoe.

But the difference is this time it's from one piece of wood.

I'm not using veneers this time across a frame.

I'm digging out a one-piece large wooden

canoe.

You know, boring work that's too embarrassing to talk about, you know, writing.

Do that.

And then

a wank.

A giant wank.

Behind me.

Well, Rio Ferdinand's on.

That was my thought.

Was it you listen to Rio in bed and you come straight in and just say everything that he said on your podcast?

And everyone's like, wow, Chatterpix isn't what it used to be.

He's not that much.

How old are you?

Can you mind if to quickly Google how old?

I'm going to say 51.

Yeah, that's not bad.

51?

Yeah, I think so.

Not 50.

Well, he's about 44, isn't he?

No, 40.

Is he younger than me?

He's older than me.

He's older than you.

Okay, I'm going to go 48.

No, right.

48.

He's born in 78.

So does that make him 47?

46 or 47, yeah.

But he uses terms or phrases that I don't understand a lot.

Got it.

So that's where my brain goes.

Not this, but he'll say base or something

as an answer.

Yeah.

And I'm like, fuck, is he happy about that or sad?

What do you think that means?

Genuinely, that's my lot of my takeout from it.

It's like, I wonder if he was happy about it.

I'm going to try and say that over the course of this.

So what time do you start your podcast?

What time?

I'm just trying to gauge how much boring work you've done.

Well, forget regularly, it's yesterday.

Yesterday, yeah.

Quarter past nine, I think we started.

So you've done like two hours, 45 of work.

You're not letting us in on the canoe.

No, but there's pottering, there's pottering as well, and checking to see if Petra's awake so I can talk to her.

Yeah.

Do a lot of that.

No, still asleep.

A run, Joe, did you go for a run?

Yesterday, I...

This is embarrassing.

I went for a run and I went to the gym.

I did two separate bits of exercise.

I'm going to end this period within...

No, no, not at that time in the day.

Okay, yeah, well,

world.

Save the big guns for 30 minutes in.

Then I did the podcast with David.

What did we talk about yesterday?

We had a big argument about,

oh, yeah, I do a thing once a month with some friends of mine called mystery meetups, where eight of us,

nine of us, maybe ten sometimes, we meet once a month and one of us has arranged a surprise that we'll be doing.

Oh, I like this.

David thinks,

and the audience seem to agree it's an odd thing to do

and it's a bit needy.

What's the nature?

We need one of these surprises.

Like, do you do a murder?

We do a murder or a GBH or preferably an ABH.

You rob a car.

We've been fencing.

We went fencing.

We had a fencing lesson.

Wow.

Hang on.

Stealing stolen goods?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, palming them off.

Palming them off.

Everyone has to bring something they've stolen.

Then it's like we did go-karting.

We did frisbee golf.

a sauna.

So good.

I think once a month is very impressive.

Well, that's David's problem with it.

He thinks it's too regular.

Anyway, we had a big flare-up about that yesterday.

I've just done one, and every time I do one, it seems to flare up the argument that I really enjoy it, but he thinks it's middle-aged men going through a wobble.

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse, and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest-paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Yeah.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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me and my friends used to put 20 pounds a month into a bank account with the idea that one day we could buy an island and all live on the island that we were in our sort of early 20s it turns out getting married and having children all these things sort of tends to get in the way don't they get in the way of moving to an island and and actually i don't think that many of us were up for it i was up for it but we did the first one we did a friend of ours just said listen we voted people suggest i my suggestion was always let's go to eurovision because i was like i'm never going to go there I reckon it might be a good night.

But someone won with just, I won't tell you.

And then the day before, he just said, you need your passport and swimming trunks.

Get to Stansted.

You went swimming in Stansted?

All that money.

He was like a real, he was like a real massive Brexiteer 25 years before Brexit.

Gave him his passports.

He ripped them up and said, you don't need to go anywhere.

You can have all the fun you want in Stansted.

And we went for a swim in a reservoir in Stansted.

We went to Estonia for two days.

It was quite fun, actually.

It was fun.

That's great.

What's the name of the group on your phone?

It was Mystery Meetups.

Yeah.

And now it's been shortened to MMUs.

Okay.

It's known as the MMUs now, shortened on the pod.

Have you got a dress code?

Like, do you all wear the same track suits or anything?

No, it's sports casual.

Oh, right.

But it would be a lot of you need to wear something you don't mind getting muddy or something like that.

You know, that'll be the general vibe.

But the other one, when we went fencing, my friend Simon did a funny one.

And he said, because basically it was in a gym, you're going to get gear.

But he told us that we'd need hiking boots and head torches.

But he said, head torches if you've got them.

I was like, well, I'm going to head torch.

Well, no, I had a head torch.

It took me ages to find it.

And our friend Mark, he ordered one and was a little bit late because he was waiting for it to to arrive.

It turned up and we were fencing and we didn't need head torches.

So that was good fun.

You were ready to go spelunking.

I once saved up all the money I have in the world to take a lady I was seeing to stay in a posh hotel in Edinburgh and checked in.

This is in my early to mid-20s and the lift opened.

We checked in, lift opened, and there were three people in hazmat suits with the string tied tight around their chins.

So I thought that's slightly disappointing that this fancy dress party, you know, going on in a hotel like this.

And when we got up to our floor, there had been a double murder-suicide on the floor, and they were doing full forensics on it, which really took the romantic edge.

Yeah, it would.

It would.

Would it?

not if you've met the right person

okay so it's 10 50.

we have finished chatterbix with david earl what's next on the horizon when you said write down what you did yesterday and i laughed

i sort of wish i'd written it down now

it was probably longer we probably did double bubble yesterday little insider little scoop on chatterbix and then oh we did we right

i'm embarrassed about this but i started going to the gym because i copy everything my other half does and she started going to the gym so i thought i'll do that now because she does

yeah and i went to the gym but i find

really lovely people at the gym with this sort of really nice gym but i find every single thing embarrassing yeah there's a few that i find really embarrassing there's ones where you kind of pull in you know like

rowing.

Well, no, it's like a weight thing.

That's one arm, I think, and you sort of pull it like that.

Like a stiff fridge.

Yeah, like a fridge that hasn't been open for over a month.

Yeah.

Or like you're sort of squatting.

And so I did that for an hour whilst listening to quite intense, like

dance music from the 90s.

Oh my goodness.

Your brand has gone out the window.

Well, I wouldn't say that because me and Petra, because we're a certain age now, we talk about longevity a lot.

Right.

This is for the future.

This is about staying strong and stable and not having a fall.

So it's not about getting buff.

It's about staying safe.

Right.

Yes.

Do you have like a list of things you're going to do?

Or do you just walk up to each thing and go, I'll give that.

No, I have an app.

I have an app that tells me.

Do you know what's really the thing is everyone in this gym has this app.

So we're all sort of on a loop doing the same stuff.

And what's upsetting about that is you can see what other people are pushing or pulling or having.

Oh yeah.

And I rarely see someone pulling less than me.

Is it big enough gym where if two of you approach the same piece of equipment?

Because there's such a sort of alpha, there's always an alpha gym.

This is not an alpha gym.

This is the opposite.

Oh, that's good.

It's a wonderfully inclusive gym.

It's a very anti-gym vibe.

Got it.

Nerd's gym.

Sexy nerd gym.

Yeah.

That's the name of it, weirdly.

Big shout out to Sexy Nerd Gym.

And so everyone in it is just

preparing themselves for when they have a fall, when they're 82.

Yeah, there's a lot of that.

And I was talking like it's

no one looks like they have any confidence how the machines work.

There's a lot of looking at it like that.

Where's a pin go?

What pin?

What pin?

And the sort of the weights are brightly coloured.

Oh, wow.

It's a lot of brightly coloured painted walls and stuff.

It's lovely.

So I go there and I, well, if I'm totally honest, I wonder if I'm making any difference because I don't really commit to it.

Right.

Like, I'm sort of pushing like that going.

You see videos of people on...

Do you ever heard of death scrolling or something?

Doom scrolling.

Doom scrolling, yeah.

Found out yesterday.

Okay.

But you know, when you sometimes are doom scrolling and you see people, then I suddenly see someone sort of working out, doing, putting everything into it.

Yeah.

I just, I don't do that.

No, I mean, I don't have the willpower.

Unless someone's telling me to do it, I can't do it.

There's something that I, someone told me to do because I can't do a chin-up.

I just don't have that in me.

And I certainly don't have the willpower.

To hold on to the bar and jump up and then let yourself down slowly.

Now, is that how you build it up?

I think I could probably do that, but it's much easier to let yourself down really fast and then move on to some other thing.

And it's also

embarrassing, isn't it?

I have decided to just let my top half go to seed.

doesn't look like it just head down into a sort of little t-rex type of a thing we'll just leave all of that but because of my cycling my bottom half is an absolute engine it's a ferrari down there

i think that with the old um i quite like watching cycling documentaries about the tour de france and their little brown arms to there and farmer tans yeah and then spindly what i call wilkinson arms, yeah, and then units at the bottom, as you say.

It's like cut and shunt, isn't it?

I'm amazed, David, that you we found someone else who watches those documentaries about the tour de France, like you two.

I mean, I know you don't want a podcast anymore, Joe, but well, I could squeeze in.

I don't want to feel like a gooseberry, but I think you two could do a watch-along from the 1984 Tour de France.

Do you know what I'm banging to?

Which I'm bang, bang, bang into the only other person I know who's bang into it as well is Joel Domet.

I'm really into these documentaries about the, I think they're called the world's fittest people.

Right.

And they're competitions to find the fittest person on the planet.

And it's, I want to text Joel.

It's a type of exercise that he's really into, which is like these competitions, you turn up.

And you don't know what the exercise is going to be.

It'll be like, okay, in round one, you've got to walk on your hands for 150 meters.

Round two, you've got to do a marathon.

In round three, you've got a deadlift.

So it's like all-round fitness, you know what I mean?

But they don't know what's coming.

You've got to carry a sack of spuds for whatever.

And that, that's my real reason for being.

Oh, to watch it or watch it, yeah.

I don't know why I love it.

In order for me to be competitive at one of those, it would need to be very specific stuff.

I mean, I'm going to say it right here.

I'm incredibly good at pitch and put.

Do you know that 30-yard golf?

I did know that.

It doesn't transfer into big golf at all.

But I'm still, I played it for the first time in about two years recently.

I was basically as good as I was the last time.

I'm really good at catching flatfish, which is a very specific sort of beach casting you do where

you cast out a bait and leave it on the bottom with a little little bit of tension on the rod because you just feel the tiny little nibble of the place or the turbot or whatever.

Getting angry.

If there was that, and then a bit of cycling at the end of it as a sort of triathlon.

Joe, that'd be a good triathlon.

I'd watch that documentary.

Yeah, the fishing middle bit could go on for days.

I like the idea that, say, the cycling is the first leg, and I'm panting and I'm trying to get the bait on the hook.

Yeah, as Imagine you do it really quick, like you're there, and then the lad next to you just goes in and and off.

You're like, fucking him.

John again, that's why he's a champ.

It feels unlikely it's going to be an Olympic.

Well, not with that attitude.

I do apologise.

Let's be clear.

I'm not part of the IOC, so I have no say over it.

And I'd love it to become one.

Once again, we hit a hurdle straight off, David.

I don't want to bother.

Okay, we're buff now.

We've done our buff and you haven't eaten anything yet today, John.

Oh, no, I ate.

What did I have?

Oh, there's some lovely bagels in the house.

Yeah, okay.

A couple of bagels, but I didn't think it could fill 10 minutes.

That's what I was keying.

No, no, this is key stuff.

This is key stuff.

So, two bagels.

What you put on them?

What hearty?

Two bagels and

Petra's chicken soup she was saving.

What time is this, please?

Quarter past nine?

Quarter past nine?

No, about

one, I'd say.

No, do you remember?

Weirdly,

I remember thinking it was 12 15 because i thought of your pod i went

and i remember thinking i'm eating at quarter past 12 that's early for me

don't bother mentioning that yeah we've got it out of you that's the thing about us we get into all of the cracks weedl a couple of wheelers this is before the gym or after the gym sorry this was before the gym i'm all over the shop right could you edit that bit and pop it before yeah of course so you the bagels are toasted and then there's a bowl of soup yeah but i don't really want to talk about my sandwiches because they're unpleasant.

Like what I have.

On the bagels?

Just generally, I have an unusual...

What I like to have in sandwiches and stuff isn't, it doesn't always go down well.

Max, can you use your journalistic...

Max is like a trained journalist.

So can you get it out of Joe?

Use one of your journals.

They call me the Rottweiler and the show that's like this.

Joe, could you possibly tell us what you occasionally have in a sandwich?

Well, if you say it like that, I will.

Wow.

I get it.

I get how you get out of people's sins.

I know.

You wouldn't think that would be a self-active, but wow.

Simply, yes.

Yesterday wasn't too weird.

I had marmite, some cheese, some piccolilly, some gherkins and some beetroot.

Okay, I like one of those things.

Okay.

Bagel.

Bagel.

Do you like bread?

I love a bread, and I'll have a bit of cheese on it.

That'll do me.

Thank you.

Leave all that stuff in the fridge.

I have lots of things in the fridge that I adore

and I have no qualms with mixing them.

But you know, some people go, it doesn't really go with that.

I'm not a great believer in that.

If it's in there,

it's going on.

So you're saying all the foodstuffs you like, you don't mind what combination they come in?

Pretty much.

That's amazing.

Okay.

Yeah, sort of quite a vinegary-based.

Yeah, because I remember thinking there's sort of three pickly things in here, which for a lot of people would be too much.

But for me, I like all three.

Yeah.

They're all going in.

Okay.

And Marmite's a very overriding taste, which is good.

Whereas a lot of people go, that's an overriding taste.

So you're not really going to get the benefit of whatever.

Why not just horse them into the soup, Joe, and then smoothie the whole thing up?

Oh,

dear.

No, you.

That's so awful.

Sorry.

I dip.

I dip in the soup.

Sometimes they're, well, all the time, one of the fillings will fall, probably usually the beetroot.

And then you've got a red patch in the chicken soup.

Again, this is why I didn't want to bring it up.

I mean, we're not allowed to broadcast it, but what is the most sort of extraordinary combination you have put in a bagel?

I used to do one regularly, which was based on the backbone of it would be.

What are they called?

Not crumpets.

They're like, you know, like McDonald's.

Muffins.

Muffins, like a muffin.

I'd have a muffin and it would start.

I'd put like a sausage in it.

Fine.

Fine so far.

Fine for me.

Then a potato waffle.

Okay, I still feel dry, but fine.

And then I'll go back to the classics.

You're putting the beetroots in there again.

You're putting the gherkins.

You're putting in mayonnaise.

Yeah.

It's basically a combination of a breakfast, like a full English breakfast, and a plowman's.

It's a pickled egg.

It's It's sort of a variation on brunch, but it's sort of like

plounch.

No.

Planch, planche, planche, planch.

Breckman's.

Breckman.

It's a breckman.

Okay, fine.

And it's not really volume, but Petra come and go, oh, fucking hell.

Yeah, I'm with Petra on this.

Then I'm eating alone again.

How many beetroots, again, can't use it, but would you...

Not mad, like two or three bits in there.

Well, famously, not famously, famously to me, a beetroot nearly killed me.

Made the press, that it made the sun.

What?

What happened?

Not to tread on anyone's toes, but I spoke about this on Off Menu and Brett Goldstein's movie podcast.

I did Brett Goldstein's movie podcast.

That morning, I'd almost died, but I was eating a slice of beetroot.

It suckered in my throat.

I could no longer breathe.

This was in COVID.

Anyway, so I ran outside.

Someone gave me the Heimic remover and it shot out.

Wow.

It was all very scary and stuff.

Anyway, but then you're breathing and everything sort of goes and you think, fucking hell, I'll make that up.

Anyway, and then I went on Brett Goldstein's podcast.

He said, How are you, man?

I said, Well, I sort of almost nearly died, but half of that, I'm all right.

Told the story.

Then he didn't put it out, which is always

a good sign when someone doesn't put your podcast out for over a year and a half.

I think that's always a good sign.

And I thought, God, he must love it because he's still up and out, still not.

He's taking a break and he's putting a few out

as fillers that's a good sign as well

and then like a year and a half later and then um i think like some newspapers listen to podcasts and get news from that and then they put in the paper that i'd nearly died that morning even though it was 18 months ago and my mum i think my mum messaged me and read it or something and said did it happen again

I was like no I just don't put it out do you often see the person who saved you I used to, Karosh, his name was, and he was in my phone.

I did this.

It's all feel like I'm off-menu again.

He's in my phone as lifesaver.

Ah, great.

Can you just, for the benefit of our listeners.

Can you see that?

Can you see that?

There he is.

That's nice.

Yeah.

What do you do?

Go directly behind, and then I imagine you fold your arms around the person's stomach.

How do you do it?

Well, this is the awful thing.

I was like, I'm going to learn to save lives.

I'm not going to eat as quick.

Right.

And I'm going to learn to save lives.

And I didn't do either.

I feel terrible.

Welcome.

But he was, he was a really big guy, and I was going

pointing like this.

And he was like, I don't know how to do the home remover.

I don't know what to do.

Luckily, it was so big because I'm quite big.

He just sort of shook me like a ragdoll and it plopped out.

Wow.

Like, it was just his sheer strength made it plop out.

Did you keep the piece of beetroot?

I had it.

Dusted it off.

I dusted it off.

I'm running under the tap, Petra.

A load of money.

No, I never gave it a second thought thinking about it.

Should have.

What a waste of beecher.

The question would be: if Roland Rat were to run out of a house pointing at his throat.

Kevin the Gerbil crying in the back room.

I didn't know they lived together.

He's got legs, as opposed to what I imagined was sort of four arms.

You know, he runs biped, as opposed to in the more traditional rat way.

Would I give him the Heimlich?

Is the question.

I think a lot of people would go, Let him die.

I'd sing it like a football crowd.

No, back, hey, let him

die.

Leave him.

I'd reverse the Prius over him.

Just walk away.

Okay, so we are we've left the gym.

Is any of this usable?

This is good stuff.

This is good stuff.

Yeah, this feels like an

absolute triple.

Sorry.

Put it out a year and a half.

Have you listened to the pack catalog, Joe?

Yeah, true.

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We've left the gym.

Were we showering at the gym or are we going home for a wash?

Or are we not washing?

Great question.

Do you know what?

I didn't because I was going for a run with my friend later and I'm not.

And we went and viewed a house and I didn't.

Oh, okay.

The next thing on the agenda is the house viewing.

No, the next one, then this will get a wow.

This will put a wow.

I put on a slow cooker.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, this is good.

I don't believe we've had a slow cooker yet in the series.

I put on a slow cooker for the evening, didn'tince.

If I was to describe this podcast in two words, I'd say the podcast is a slow cooker.

This particular episode.

What did you put into the slow cooker?

I made a chicken curry in the slow cooker because I knew we wouldn't be eating until about eight.

Yeah.

So it was enough time to put the ingredients in for it to be a lovely meal waiting for us when we come in because Petra was out as well.

What she did.

Joe, were you tempted to put any of your hideous, disgusting ingredients into it, or did you stick to a classic chicken curry you've learned from being on Saturday kitchen or Sunday brunch like me?

I got so much to be thankful for those brunch guys when it comes to my

life, I guess i went

even though i have been on brunch i went this is what the recipe says crazy simple slow cooker curry recipe do y'all know what it is yeah i do yeah this is what i do this is what i do

i get a pepper an onion some garlic cloves put tumin in yesterday and a chili blend it in the nutri bullet

then you put in

really boring myself, actually.

Joe, stop saying that.

This is good stuff.

People are.

They want to know when's the twist coming up.

Listen, back.

They cut all the slow cooker stuff.

That's insane.

Basically, I'll blend stuff up, then put chicken in.

What next?

What about the spicies?

Cheapers.

There's curry powder that goes in there.

It's not good enough for a pod.

I just realised halfway through the story.

Sounds like a stew.

It was a curry stew.

Okay, fine.

But my word, you get some poppad on there, a bit of spinach later on.

You've got yourself a curry.

Google, crazy simple slow cooker curry.

What I'm excited about is it's gone in there.

And at the end of the pod, we'll have like the reveal.

Oh, nice.

The end.

This is how the man thinks, Joe.

He knows how to do these shows.

There was a danger people were going to click off.

Not now.

Yeah.

People will sit in their cars.

They've just arrived at a destination and yet they're going to have to sit for another half an hour to find out how the curry tastes.

Amount of people that put this on double speed to get to the reveal.

I was once on Sunday Brunch, which to our international listeners is a three-hour program on a Sunday morning on British television.

Is it live?

Where, yep, a professional chef cooks while they cross to you at a table, always cross to you when you're not ready, when you're checking your phone.

And it's the only time I really feel like I'm in showbiz, baby.

So one time I did it, and this is where I got my curry recipe from.

It was your classic group.

You got O'Doherty, you got Dua Lipa, you got Johnny Wilkinson's kicking coach.

Yeah, this was Dua Lipa before.

That sentence petered off.

Johnny Wilkinson's

had a guy who was an expert on Spitfires.

Oh, that would have been cool.

Just the four of us sitting around.

Spitfire guy, we could having the crack.

Yeah, I think there was one soccer AM I did where we had Mr.

T,

dr carl kennedy from neighbors and uve rosla which feels like

uve rosla wouldn't get that so for anyone else would you

i did soccer am with david and the following week it was announced it was closing or finishing

and honestly loved every second of it Really nice atmosphere.

And me and David were sort of unsure about these sort of things.

David Earl, not me.

David Earl, yeah, sorry, David Earl.

And we were like, what a lovely experience.

and they were like oh will you come back we're like yeah i'd love to my god i imagine it being like a regular sort of we go and hang out with the chaps and chap s's and kick a football and stuff i can announce it was dead literally four days later yeah i moved to australia i'd say three years ago and i got my agent here i said there's is there anything you'd like to do i said i'd like to be in neighbours please it's all i want to be i just want to be in neighbours and they went okay and they got in touch and i had an audition on the thursday really can that just just happen?

I got the audition on the Friday, sorry.

And they cancelled the whole show after 14 minutes on the Thursday.

Wow.

You thought that audition went well?

You guys are the princes of death.

This does not bode well for getting these two Doom Lords on this podcast at the same time.

Well, I also was like, this, I remember like saying to David what a fantastic show it was and how brilliant it was.

You know, when you go, what am I not seeing?

This is that felt like like the most uncancellable show

the soccer am it was just such a lovely fun atmosphere and everyone was loving it and i was like well get rid of that yeah i think it sort of started to slide around 2015.

is that when you stopped stealing

off

yes i couldn't agree more then okay the one thing about a slow cooker is I feel I have to be present if I'm cooking a chicken.

I'm not saying I kneel before it and watch it through the weird, slightly grilly window, but I do sometimes, to be honest.

But with the slow cooker, you have to train your brain just to be like, it's good.

Let's just

leave it on top of the fridge or wherever the slow cooker is.

You get the smell changes through the day.

That's kind of a go, oh, now that.

Oh, it's cooking now, B.

It's cooking.

That's normal.

The meat's no longer dangerous.

It's interesting that...

Cookers are the only household object that's got a slow version of it.

You know, like the slow Hoover, for example.

Even if it was one of those ones that drove around your house.

I've got one of those.

They're brilliant, those things.

Do they get in the corners, though, Joe?

Yeah, they do.

Not having them.

Yeah, well, Petra bought me one.

That was my Christmas present.

You're very defensive about it, aren't you?

David only asked it.

It didn't even feel like an aggressive question from David, but they're not having it.

Yeah, they get in the corners, trust me.

Okay, how dare you.

But it gets up a hooter.

She doesn't like it, so I'm not allowed to use it.

She has the opposite reaction to cats have to have to it.

Joe, if you just released it onto the street, would it clean all of broken bottles?

Hoover up Britain.

It will keep coming back to its launching pad.

Because when they run out of juice, they come back to the launching pad.

So I reckon it'd keep getting to a certain point.

Know it's about to run out of juice and keep coming back.

My friend told me about a jet wash.

It was either him or someone else jet washing his front, or his dad was jet washing the front of the path

and sort of ended up doing a bit of the pavement and then ended up going a bit further down the pavement and ended up doing like a load of the pavement because it couldn't stop.

Always makes me giggle.

Just a bit more.

Half the road.

Something quite nice about a bit like, you know, when a cat, you know, it sort of disappears and then goes 70 miles back.

That the Hoover

loves its owner so much that it always returns.

That's sort of a beautiful thing.

Oh, it's such a nice, it is a nice thing.

Sometimes I used to help it get back to its launch pad because what it does is sort of kind of extensive stuff and it'll go

like that and then start heading the wrong way.

So then I'd put a chair in the way of it going the wrong way and then open up the space towards the launch pad.

So it would get there.

So I sort of help it rather than pick it up, put it on its launch.

My fear is with as AI gets more advanced, it will realize that Petra was the one that didn't like it.

You know what I mean?

I'll be very clear about that as well.

Yeah, you spill the beans and it's listening even though it's in the box.

And when it gets that one date where it's like, now you have consciousness, you will come in to see if she's woken up one day, and that machine will be on top of her, just literally trying to suck her guts out.

And I'll pretend I haven't seen a thing.

Perfect crime when the two of you go off together into the sunset you're a new life

you standing on it just spinning around like a happy cat

okay where are we where are we where are we in the gym the gym we're back from the gym went to look at a house we might be moving so we went to look at a house i realized i behave very differently when i'm uh viewing a house

I behave like I'm someone I'm clearly not.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm a sort of serious dude.

Yeah.

Like a businessman.

I sort of feel like I have to betray the ability to purchase a house.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Okay, yeah, no, I see that.

Now, it's somewhat undermined by the fact that you are still in your gym gear, complete with a headband and tiny short short shorts.

And drenched in sweet old balls flapping around.

Well, the one thing I wasn't was drenched in sweat, sadly.

What's the house like?

What's the best thing it's got?

Longer garden than ours.

Yeah, cool.

And what's the estate agent like?

Lovely guy.

I played football against him.

Apparently I kicked him.

Oh, okay.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

Did he say that?

Because you shouldn't say that.

As an estate agent, you're meant to be trying to forge a friendship, a phony bologna friendship with the person.

It was a funny opener, actually.

Because I recognise him.

I was like, how do I recognise him?

And we played

like a charity.

No, it was a charity.

I think it's a charity thing.

At the Amex Stadium, we played a five-aside tournament.

I'm not proud of this, but I was like the oldest person there.

And the games were passing me by.

And I thought, there's only one way I can influence this guy.

It's a tail as all this time.

Yeah, the aging box to boxer.

Not that I was ever a boxer, but I just basically thought I'd behave badly.

But he went, oh, yeah, you started kicking us all.

Does he have an en suite?

Yeah.

So anybody thinking during this charity game, you know, you have a profile.

Like, to go around just two-footing every competition winner.

I know, and he was such a nice bloke, such a nice bloke.

I was like, what's wrong with you?

There's an amazing story.

I think Leicester City were playing some game in Ireland, right?

And there was Jerry Taggart.

It was a sort of, you know, this won't mean a lot for the American listeners who've come via David, but there was like the sort of Leicester team of the 90s, Matt Elliott, Jerry Taggart, like big old bruisers, right?

And I think Frank Sinclair was playing for them.

And then some guy had paid a lot of money to play for the opposition in this friendly.

And like they said, like with five minutes to go, he's going to run in and score a goal.

And everybody knew, except, I think, for Jerry Taggart.

This guy is running.

And he just absolutely fucking nails him.

What are you doing, Jerry?

I may have got the players wrong.

I'm not sure.

But that was you on this.

Okay, so he'd forgiven you for injuring him.

Yeah, lovely guy.

He's shown us this house a couple of times now.

Look around there.

okay i behaved weirdly i guess yeah did a few embarrassing little quips which i was i was doing i was like shut up and then i started watching how petra behaves in social situations and trying to copy her because she's always like

sort of i don't know like she's quite naturally sort of cool not trying to be cool because she just sort of gets on with stuff in a kind of and i was like how why is she not finding this weird all this and so she's just going where's the boiler oh yeah and stuff like that.

And the guy's like, you know, just realizing that she's sort of in control of her life and stuff.

But you're like, Does it have a bathroom?

Yeah, I'm just going, loads of light in here, innit?

Loads of light, yeah, lovely light room.

Is there a place I could hide a buddy in this house?

Could I be a prat in here as well?

Does Petra look at you when you're making, you know, when she sees you trying to?

Doesn't have to.

Doesn't have to.

Right, you just know.

Stephana, I look at her and I go, She's in her little world now she's ignoring me rightly so rightly so just getting what needs to be done done basically are you going to put a bid in on the house don't know i'll ask in a minute actually

we put a bid

like in the nicest possible way

it will be obviously a joint decision but the not not in a

it's really she's got her head screwed on with all these things she'll have thought about all sorts of things problematic things or not while i've been talking to you right we looked at this house where i was so close to going i think i'll speak for both of us when i say you got yourself a deal

and she went did you not notice the only bathroom was downstairs and you had to walk through a bedroom to get to it

no did you also notice that the roof terrace had a huge bend in it

which was clearly means that the house is sort of sliding into the

did you notice it's a barge

and it is currently about to float off into the North Atlantic.

But yeah, it was pretty much that.

So I am,

she's really amazing at sort of going, oh, but think about it.

We live opposite this.

That'll mean that.

And no, you can't.

And so I'm like, yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, didn't thought of that.

No, I just thought there was a load of light in that room.

I wouldn't be surprised if that estate agent listens to this podcast.

He said he did, yeah.

I like how you happen happened to put it out there because you know, if he knew a bid was coming, he'd be like, good and bad news.

I'm so bad at, you know, that thing, play it cool, yeah, loads of light in here.

Okay, so we see the house, then we come home.

Yeah.

What time are we at now?

Probably about five.

Curry's smelling good.

The house is smelling of curry.

Smelling good.

Smelling of curry.

A bit more work.

Then my friend Brian picks me up and we go, we do a, God, i was so they realize it's so middle-aged my life stay with the joke come on head in his hands i've hit a real lull

oh sort of unbearable we do we do a thing called tuesday night run where a load of us do a little run together this is good this is beautiful he picked me up we went and did that how far are you running Well, it's there's a lovely lady called Bridget who's like a she's a proper like running trainer and she gives up her time to sort of teach middle-aged people to get help them go running.

So she's like interval things.

So she'll go, right, do that and then that and then that.

And it's really nice and everyone's really nice.

It's quite nice sort of thing to do.

I think you should be happy about this.

I don't think you should be having an existential crisis about how wholesome your existence is.

Well, it's just

clearly a man who's middle-aged.

Yeah.

Phil Wang had a fitness coach that didn't know how to count.

It's absolutely fine.

Phil Wang had a fitness coach who couldn't count.

Yeah, so he'd be like, one, eight,

three,

two.

Wilco, is she advising you on your stride?

I know a lot of people, as they get older, their hips move further back in the stride.

So are you shunting them back forward again?

What she usually does is she's got all these things.

the different distances that make because apparently if you run the same thing all the time you don't get any faster or whatever so she just gives us different ones so this week we're doing one long one and four short ones or whatever so it's meant to make you run a bit faster i've been doing the same 5k

for about three years and now you tell me it's had no impact positive impact on me that's what i'm telling you oh god

well i'm the same but then the bridget does a bit of that and you go and it's nice everyone's really lovely and it's along the seafront that's lovely yeah it's just good wholesome fun and then i went home and i

had the curry whilst watching i came in i said petro i'm gonna ask a little favor may i watch the champions league game on the television now i'm defending here i watch a lot of football

both live and on television and i'd push my luck recently And I went, do you know what?

I'll watch it on the iPad.

I'll watch it on the iPad in the the kitchen.

Right, I hear you.

No, I mean, I obviously have to watch football professionally.

And even then,

Jamie absolutely despises all sport, calls it the green.

It's just green.

That's really good.

Actually, really accurate.

To the point where I had tickets for the Ashes at the MCG on Boxing Day.

And she's from Melbourne.

And as we're walking in, she says, is this cricket?

We're going to see.

Yeah, I sort of admire her.

Yeah, me too.

And so i almost never have it on the t like i have to like build up to like there's a big game of green yeah it's a bit different now because of the times when the games are on but when we were back in the uk it was like i've got to watch this green on the tv i'm sorry otherwise it would be laptop and we'd have bear grills the island on and quite often the bear grills the island would i would start watching that yeah and that's bad when you're doing your podcast then and jonathan wilson is like and what a start to the second half that was and you're like yes when when scary spice peed on Barryl's leg because he'd been stung by a jellyfish.

I would flick over if I heard that.

Yeah.

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Joe, how do you do the rice?

Do you wash the rice or do you just boil it for 10 minutes?

No, no, wash the rice.

Again, middle-aged thing.

We have, what do you call it?

Rice cooking.

The good rice.

What's the good rice?

Not brown rice.

Whole grain rice.

The stuff that's not as nice.

You're going to live forever.

Yeah, he is.

Well, exactly.

I put in the spinach too early.

I just remembered.

Pretty said you put the spinach into it, and it's gone slimy.

Yeah, dear.

But I was still edible.

So we had the curry.

She watched

something in the other room on the enormous telly that's perfect for football.

And I watched the football on a small iPad in the kitchen.

And that game went on for a long time, didn't it?

It did, I know.

I nodded off at one point, which is quite impressive on a high-backed wooden kitchen sort of bench thing.

Yeah.

but nothing to do with the game but i was just exhausted you were woken with a nudge on the ankle by the hoover best friend joe you must wake up hi darling

love you we will formulate the plan to take out petra we must discuss the plan soon

quiet quiet she's not gone to bed yet and then um went to penalties And then I went to bed.

Do you have any pudding?

No.

Oh, no, I had a protein bottle.

I hate me.

Actually, no, that is sad.

I've just everything else I was fine with, but that end is sad.

It's quite nice, yeah.

Wilco, you exerted yourself here.

There was two separate fit things, in addition to podcasting the most tiring job on planet, the new coal mining, as it's known.

Oh, no.

God, we're heroes, aren't we?

You didn't wash.

I have to point that out.

No, I had a bath as the rice was cooking.

But not around you.

The rice wasn't around you.

Wow, that's a beautiful image so you bathed for the same amount of time as the rice yeah well i got out three minutes early and as i was coming down beep beep petra

car is ready lovely lovely you naked and bright red you know the chicken's done when it's the exact same color as your body having just got into this unfeasibly hot bath

i was also told petra said i don't put enough water in can i ask a question joe david early in this podcast, discussed at great length how he lowers himself into the bath, and I'm just interested in your tactics.

Never ever thought about it.

Okay, now's the time.

No, I'm definitely

doing a lot of testing, and then it's always too hot, and I still plunge.

Yes, here we go.

Because I know my body will react to it in about eight seconds.

I go, actually, it's fine now.

Do you go feet and then slowly start the squat?

Just trying to think what other part of your body you could start with.

Do you...

I go thorax, foot, ear,

teeth.

This is a very good point.

We talked a lot about how you lower yourself into the bath, David, but maybe there is only one way.

No, the key to my technique is the balls.

It's the submergence of the balls, Joe, because they are...

I never thought about my balls.

They're in the vanguard of the torso, you would have to say.

They're the outlier.

They're the dipstick.

They're going over the top, aren't they?

Yeah, they are.

I don't think I've ever burnt my balls.

People always talk about this, and I've really not really thought of it.

I think my balls aren't as sensitive as they should be.

I was once in a cafe in Edinburgh with my nephew, and the server was hung over, and she knocked over the teapot that went on his balls.

Wow.

And he had to go to the bathroom.

She kept saying, is he all right?

She didn't charge him for the tea that she had.

Yeah, there's no other way of putting it.

He's burnt his balls.

He has to go back.

And there's no real first aid for that, I don't think.

There's no Heimlich maneuver for a burnt ball bag.

Especially in public.

Yeah.

You could dip at home.

I don't know what you dip into.

Maybe a

back in the bath, back in the bath.

A raita sauce or something, you know?

Maybe that would be one use for your one of your pickles or something into the pickle jar.

Old pickle jar.

I'm not wasting.

With God's own pickles.

Do you go straight to sleep?

Joe, have you got some tricks?

Pop on the rest of Rio Ferdinand, genuinely.

So you bookend the day with Rio?

I do.

Yeah, okay.

I've got into a bad habit.

I find podcasts,

if I'm going to bed not fully tired,

Which I could sleep anywhere to be honest with you.

I don't need it.

I listen to about four to five seconds of a podcast and I'm asleep.

I was thinking, this will be nice.

I have a little 10-minute list

and I'm off.

That's great.

And then it's a bugger to find where I got to on the pod the next day.

Where would I got to?

It definitely said bass.

But that doesn't narrow it down.

Sometimes I will listen to a few days ago, particularly with sports podcasts, because you hear them talking with great authority about what didn't happen in the match that you then watched last night.

So you get to listen to it in a different way.

I'm just like, you absolute spoofers.

Obviously not your podcast, Max, where no one ever makes a mistake.

No, no, not at all.

I find listening to sport so mesmerizing.

Like people talk about sport.

I love it.

What do you think it is?

As opposed to politics, what's the difference?

Is it the fact, Joe, that just sports not that important?

As in it's not the end of the world?

Well, yeah, I think that's what I like about it.

It's like end of the day, it's also

it's all pretend, isn't it, really?

You know, they're sort of going, basically, Amarin's doing this and that'll change.

And you go, yeah, there's a massive load of luck as well.

And it's not a science.

So I like opinions because none of them really are right or wrong.

And then I just palm them off as my own a couple of days later.

Who, Max, who has the quote?

And I think there is a life maxim in this that said, football is like chess with dice.

That's one that I think about a lot.

Was it Klopp?

It's a good one, though, isn't it?

As in, like, you have all these strategies, but then it's just like,

oh, well.

Like Charlie Baker once says, they're all just guessing.

Everyone's just guessing.

Yeah.

And he's right.

And he also says, you can always end any conversation.

about sport by going we'll see and he's absolutely right we'll see

and i've definitely done that a million times.

Oh, that's good.

You're asleep, Joe.

So, you know, that's all we needed.

I have a gift about sleep.

I can fall asleep.

Literally.

Wonderful.

Yeah, I'm pretty good.

Yeah, I'm thankful for that as well.

I bet no one's fallen asleep while listening to this because it's been such a rip-roaring, unpredictable once edited down, as they say.

Put in loads of guitar solos.

Do you know what I like to do if I go on a guest podcast?

I like to look at how long the record was

and how much it's edited down to.

Okay.

And then you can go, I was boring for that amount.

So for the record, we're currently at one hour, 18 minutes and 28 seconds.

And if you now look at your podcast play, you'll see the actual

and how much of it was dull as shit, even though they said it wasn't.

Stop!

Joe Wilkinson, thank you very much for telling us what you did yesterday.

What a pleasure.

Thank you for having me.

Lovely to see you both.

Yeah, thank you, Joe.

It was lovely to meet you.

A big fan of your work.

And thank you so much because we're in a hurry for doing this pod in 14 minutes.

It has been great.

Well, shortest pod ever.

We actually have to slow it down because we did.

It's frightening how many interstitials you put in just to pad this one out.

Just clattered noises every now and then.

Doesn't make any sense.

Cheers, Joe.

Cheers.

So that was Joe Wilkinson.

Can I just say, David, thanks for not bringing up Neil Harris.

I appreciate that.

There were so many times when we just felt on the verge of it, and I could just see, even over the Zoom, you guys just awkwardly stare at it because you both knew about it.

But

well, let's be honest, we're recording this before the episode because you've got to get on an aeroplane, so we don't know what's happened.

But given how long I've known Joan for, there's no way this wasn't a stone cold classic.

That's all I'm saying.

Thanks, David.

See you next week.

Bye, Max.

Yo, this is important, man.

Uh, my favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day, I think they're called Pacebreakers, the ones with all the pockets.

I just got back from vacation and I left them in my hotel room.

And, dude, I need to replace these shorts.

I wear them like three times a week.

Could you send me the link to where you got them?

Oh, also, my birthday is coming up soon.

So, anyways, thanks, bro.

Talk soon.

Looking for your newest go-to's Lululemon.

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Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

Dog by the Bakery Door is a charming story of the magical things a little boy sees on a normal trip to get a coffee with his mum.

Perfect for newborns, three-year-olds, six-year-olds, all children.

Just Google Dog by the Bakery Door.

Here's a review from my three-year-old son.

Dog by the Bakery Door.

I have this book.

Full disclosure, the author might be his mother and my wife, but even more reason to buy it.

She has to live with us and a baby 24/7, has sacrificed her career for mine while also being an amazing mum to two boys.

Thank you, goodbye.