WDWDY #45: Chainsaw Lube

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Speaker 2 Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many.
I have one already. I don't have any because there are enough.
Politics, business, sport, you name it.

Speaker 2 There's a podcast about it and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day. But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.
Why is that? Are they scared?

Speaker 2 Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Speaker 2 Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
We'll try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday?

Speaker 2 That's it. All we're interested in is what the guest got up to yesterday, nothing more.
Day before yesterday, Max?

Speaker 4 Nope.

Speaker 2 The greatest and most interesting day of your life? Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushton.
And I'm David O'Daherty. Welcome.
to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Speaker 2 Hello and welcome to Midweek Mayhem from the people that bring you what did you do yesterday. I'm Max Rushton and here's David O'Doherty.
Welcome, David. Do not disturb.

Speaker 2 That's what I've just told my phone. Just because I don't know what it's like.

Speaker 2 Maybe it's different for you because it's later in the evening, but I get maybe a thousand missed calls when I switch my phone off for an hour. You know what I mean? Of course.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I'm always, I honestly, my phone is just, it's going off in the WhatsApp groups. It's just footballers.

Speaker 2 It's just Leroy Lita wants this dave kitson wants this ryanad dasayaf the ussr 1988 goalkeeper he wants this and i'm leave me alone ryanad do you think they want to be on what did you do yesterday or they want you to mention them on guardian football weekly you know you'd be like do you know who had a great game this week rainadasev yeah on this day in 1988 well it's a mix some of them who eschew the game who don't like the game they're just good at the game they're big fans of what did you do yesterday sylvan distan famously loves this pod i have to ask you how's your neck you seem to be turning as you said sylvan distan there i saw good movement in it whereas last week's pod was really dominated by you complaining that you had slept wonkily on your neck well famously no one can say sylvan distan without turning their head a full 360 degrees like the exorcist like and that made it harder for commentators and managers at the time but i I may have overstayed.

Speaker 2 There may have been some hyperbole in my fears of my paralysis. And actually, it's been totally fine.
I haven't needed to go back to the chiropractor.

Speaker 2 But do you notice anything different about me?

Speaker 2 You're in the same kind of indescribably bland t-shirt you're always in.

Speaker 2 Have you got a haircut, Max? No. I have cut my own hair, but that's not it.
I've got my AirPods. No one.
I've got my AirPods. And this is exciting.
From Ian Daniel, D-A-N-I-E-L-L.

Speaker 2 He's an artist in Perth. He's actually a really good artist.
We got in touch through Football Weekly, but only on your recommendation of find my AirPods.

Speaker 2 Thank you to Robin, who lives really close to me. She triangulated where I lived from the podcast.
She lives around the corner. And she was going to Perth on a work trip.

Speaker 2 And I was going to use her if Ian hadn't come up Trump's. Ian took a photo of Qantas Baggage Services saying, here we go.
12.24 p.m. on the day.
12.27. Can you go to settings? He writes.

Speaker 2 Bluetooth, click on device. There's a little I.
That will give us the serial number. The serial number will let us know which ones you are.
There are about 50 boxes here. Wow.

Speaker 2 Anyway, on this thing, it says play a sound. So you can say play a sound.

Speaker 2 So I played it. I said, I've hit play a sound.
He says, we're not getting a sound yet. I send him the serial number.
CMVD4VK16R.

Speaker 2 Your nickname.

Speaker 2 He sends me a picture of so many AirPods cases.

Speaker 2 It's sort of like a post-apocalyptic world where the only thing that has survived are AirPods cases. I say, what a haul.
Say I lost 25 pairs. 12.31 p.m.
He says, We've got them. I say, amazing.

Speaker 2 This is thrilling. I feel like Simon Pegg in Mission Impossible.
You can be Tom Cruise without the Scientology. What a triumph for humanity.
He says, happy days.

Speaker 2 And then they arrive today in the post. This is very exciting.
So if everyone could go to IanDaniel.art and buy all of his art. Thank you, Ian.
Ian Daniel.art.

Speaker 2 So what's to stop me from

Speaker 2 what did the airport do to make sure that they were definitely yours? My serial number. They got the serial number of the headphones.
That's it. So where is that written on the headphones, though?

Speaker 2 I don't know what's written on the headphones, but it's written on my phone.

Speaker 2 Okay. Oh, it is here in tiny absolutely minutes.
The guy I've got better than 2020 Vision. Yeah.
But the guy who could see the serial numbers,

Speaker 2 he must have a microscope. He must be like a scientist who puts them on a slide and looks down and goes, to tweedle, twiddle, twiddle, so it comes up in focus.
Because that writing is tiny.

Speaker 2 Where I found out about

Speaker 2 Find My iPhone was about four years ago at the Latitude Music Festival

Speaker 2 where

Speaker 2 the sketch group Sheeps, I realized I'd dropped my phone.

Speaker 2 And I think it was Jono, one of them, said, do you know about Find My iPhone? We can make the lost iPhone make a sound.

Speaker 2 You can follow it on a map of the globe and then make it make this annoying sound. And it was latitude.
Had one of Groove Armada

Speaker 2 taken it. Yeah.
Ed Sheeran

Speaker 2 had put it up on eBay already. It said it was refurbished.
It directed me into the truck's car park.

Speaker 2 So I'd rung it a load of times, but I realized it was down to 10%. So there was a touch of the Mission Impossibles to this as well.

Speaker 2 And I find the cab of the truck that it's coming from and I order the beep sound and I can hear it inside.

Speaker 2 So I knock on the window and because this is clearly a man who had found the phone and was not answering it because he was going to delete all the information and flog it,

Speaker 2 he couldn't get out of this. So he opened the door.
He's got my ringing phone in his hand. And I was just like, oh, thank you so much.
That was the tactic I went for.

Speaker 2 as in really good thank you for minding it for me and allowing me this opportunity to track it down using cutting edge Bluetooth technology did he play the game did he play the game yes he did he was possibly asleep in his little cab though yeah I didn't stick around I didn't invite myself in well thank you to sheeps yeah because if the sheeps hadn't told you I wouldn't know so between sheeps and me and Daniel you have my headphones Chris in Glasgow writes on the subject of what did you do yesterday being the center of the universe?

Speaker 2 Dear David Maxim producer Miles Pa, I write today to submit further evidence that the podcast is indeed the center of the known universe.

Speaker 2 Since episode one, the show has become a weekly favorite for both me and my wife, Isla. We both

Speaker 2 have two episodes a week, so they're only listening to one. So they're not listening.

Speaker 2 It's odd that they've emailed this because if you email the pod, but you only listen to the ones that come out on a Sunday and you hear no emails read out, you must think, what are they doing with these emails?

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 anyway, we both find the mundane day-to-day details of people's lives and your friendship extremely comforting to listen to.

Speaker 2 So much so that when we got married last week, one of the final things we said to each other as we walked into the registry office room hand in hand was In It for Life.

Speaker 2 Which is beautiful. That's so nice.
Had they said Bath have come, I would have been a different, you know.

Speaker 2 But that's really sweet. I really love that.
Did In It for Life originally come from one of your deranged improvised solos where you were dozing off to sleep?

Speaker 2 Like, I think that's originally it's pure Rushton subconscious is where it came from. It was more just trying to get sort of

Speaker 2 confirmation for you while recording that you were enjoying what's happening. Because it's, you know,

Speaker 2 like I like the podcast. It was early on in our relationship.
Anyway, Chris says we had hired a photographer to take some photos of us after the ceremony, someone we'd never met before.

Speaker 2 And as we were in the car driving to different locations around Glasgow, suddenly that familiar upbeat intro of podcast, there are millions of them, started playing through his speakers as the Alison Spittle episode began.

Speaker 2 From here, we had a nice chat about our shared love of normal cheeses and top loader. Thank you for being part of our big day in our lives.
Everything is showbiz, Chris, in Glasgow.

Speaker 2 Well, many congratulations to you and Isla. That is lovely.
Wow. I didn't realize everything is Showbiz and In It for Life is a vow of sorts, Max, that we

Speaker 2 have taken also.

Speaker 2 But yeah, we'll see which lasts longer: that marriage or this podcast. They'll both last forever.
Well, I have a huge apology to make.

Speaker 2 We're recording this before the Angela Scandal episode, but after that episode has gone out. So it's important that for the record, I make a sincere apology, David, to you and Angela.

Speaker 2 I do not have a Duelit toaster. It's a DeLongi.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I sense Parsa Jim is going to come in with one of his get the beep ready, producer will Tory.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 if you think Parsa Jim's going in with Tory k,

Speaker 2 then I'm pretty sure I have a Dulet in my London house.

Speaker 2 But we really bonded on all having duelets, and I was lying. I thought for all this time it was a duel.
I'd never looked at it properly. You both had two us.
I've got a four, but mine is a delongie.

Speaker 2 Shit, do we have to delete the podcast now? I think we have to redo it. I'll message Angela, who I don't know, and say, could we record again? I don't have a duelet toaster.

Speaker 2 Can you take me through some of the operational differences between the duelet and the... Is the delongie the same thing where there's like a countdown style clock on it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could

Speaker 2 pop it up yourself then.

Speaker 2 No, you set a timer, but you you can. It's got a, you know, it's got a little lever.
So you can either press a button, it goes pop up, or you can just lever it up yourself.

Speaker 2 I mean, look, if we're really cutting to the chase, they fulfill very similar roles in that they make the toast.

Speaker 2 Anyway, I just wanted to, we are, we are nothing if not honest on this podcast. So I'd like to apologize, especially to Angela.
On the Rosie Jones episode, Dan says, not a great episode for us.

Speaker 2 Welcome Break fans. Very moto heavy.
They have one good review with Reading Westbound, and now they're winning it all. Hashtag Media Agenda in Services.

Speaker 2 Darren says the tracking down of Clacket Lane Services East was brilliant. Although Byron says, I knew it was Clacket Lane immediately.

Speaker 2 If Max is in the FBI, I must be the medium he consults on a tough case.

Speaker 2 That is my favorite bit in that episode. Because I remember while we were recording it, we're obviously looking at each other on little windows on the computer.

Speaker 2 And I remember, like, it's a very strange

Speaker 2 look you have because you're not doing it on a fancy camera you're just using the webcam on the phone and you went into this sort of matrix mode where you were just you're obviously eyeballing the screen but I think

Speaker 2 it was minority reporting

Speaker 2 service stations going a t-bay you know Scotch corner

Speaker 2 like that interestingly when I tweeted out about the podcast I said you know we discussed the eighth wonder of the world as in Reading Eastbound services and Mark suggested the eighth wonder of the the world was the grave of andre the giant i don't know why that maybe we love that so much

Speaker 2 maybe it is i mean it's got to be big hasn't it you know it does have to be a it's a big old coffin that for andre rest in peace rest in peace andre i've heard different things i've heard two different two different versions of course uh on to the rosie jones episode uh henry a fact correction Hi all.

Speaker 2 I'm a big fan, but I feel compelled to point out, as a resident of Reading, that Alison Spittle was on the airbridge at Reading train station.

Speaker 2 I can absolutely see what Alison was saying regarding the view. Can imagine it was a nice view for her.
Rosie Jades was at Reading Services, which is on the M4 near Reading.

Speaker 2 I would say there are no good views there. Very disappointed by this factual inaccuracy of conflating two Reading landmarks from MAX.

Speaker 2 I will be reporting this to the Reading Tourist Board for them to follow up officially with the police. Thank you.
Henry and Reading.

Speaker 2 Imagine if two get extradited from Australia and sent to the slammer in by the Thames Valley Police. Yeah, ice.
Australian ice come in.

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Speaker 2 You're tuning in to Candy Crush Music Season with me,

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Speaker 5 You know, the partnership between United Airlines and Air New Zealand is so seamless.

Speaker 4 We're finishing each other's sentences.

Speaker 2 But what does that mean for you?

Speaker 5 Oh, just all the good stuff.

Speaker 2 Like earning miles on every mile you fly and not having to check your bags more than once. And that's not to mention our lounges and also our lounges, which is double the lounging.

Speaker 6 Oh, did we mention how much easier it is when you can book all your flights together?

Speaker 2 hey that's what i was gonna say united and in new zealand two airlines one way to fly

Speaker 2 here's a question from matty

Speaker 2 do you think the robbers at the louvre drank baroca to make their piss cut through any material like dod suggested

Speaker 2 In which case, should someone have asked him on Monday what he did yesterday, he has been suggesting crimes that could take place during the interval of his stand-ups, so it seems well within his character.

Speaker 2 Morally, I think we should turn him in, but not sure they allow recording equipment into prisons. And I think the public demand for the podcast is greater than someone who stole a few bits of old tat.

Speaker 2 All I'll say about that is, so yes, I was suggesting that I do crimes at half-time during my gigs, but I think the Louvre robbers went in at 9.30 a.m.

Speaker 2 So if that's half time, and the first half is like 45 minutes to 55 minutes,

Speaker 2 I started that gig in Paris

Speaker 2 near the Louvre at 8.30 a.m. Zootalore.
That is a tough gig.

Speaker 2 Alice has pointed out another mistake. I talked about Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail, not a film.
She says the little-known Monty Python Harrison Ford crossover film. I don't know.

Speaker 2 You know what I meant. You know what I meant.
Rian says, the absolute audacity. This is regarding Trevor Nelson having a round on pointless.
What was the round he had? Drawing fish. Drawing fish.

Speaker 2 He was drawing.

Speaker 2 I've no, what the hell is that? I'm just repeating the words that were said. I haven't come back and looked at the episode.

Speaker 2 But Rian says the absolute audacity of Max criticizing Trevor Nelson's round on pointless with his track record. And I suppose the guy makes a good point.
Is Rian a guy?

Speaker 2 R-I-A-N? I'd say Rian's a guy, yeah. Okay.
King in Irish. They make a good point.
Yeah. Many people got in touch to say,

Speaker 2 including C4S, R.I.P. Prunella Scales, hero of Think of a Thing.
Oh, man. You were amazing.
I know. That was when I heard of the sad passing of Prunella Scales, Mrs.
Fulty from Fulty Towers.

Speaker 2 Like, honestly, a mainstay of my childhood. There was a period where I basically knew those, whatever, 12 episodes off by heart.

Speaker 2 I loved in later years, she'd done a show where her and her partner went on narrow boat canals around England. Oh, yeah, it's Timothy West.
Yeah, it's so lovely, isn't it?

Speaker 2 And yet the first thing I thought of, what a great innings, but the first thing I thought of was Think of a Thing, how you and your friends had once played a game where the answer could be anything and your friend had said Prudello Scales.

Speaker 2 And I'm trying to get you to, you know, join me to make Think of a Thing our new spin-off. I've got a few ideas for our spin-off things.
Yeah. Think of a thing could go well.
It's a YouTube thing.

Speaker 2 You know, people are watching YouTube these days. The A to Z of things I like.
Maybe, like, could that be a whole other podcast where we make people go through their A to Z?

Speaker 2 I think that could really work. I think that really is actually quite a good idea.
So nobody steal it, please. It's our idea.
We've just got pattern pending in Europe for that.

Speaker 2 We shouldn't have spoken about it. No, we shouldn't have mentioned it.
Okay.

Speaker 2 But speaking of the A to Z of things I like, Alice, presume a different Alice to the person who criticized us for Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail, but maybe the same Alice says, regarding the A to Z of things,

Speaker 2 David likes exclaiming loudly, bath have come during the alphabet quiz. And my frustration at David made for some quizzical looks on my commute from the finance bros at Bank Station.

Speaker 2 Don't care, in it for life, everything is showbiz. So now, regards the A to Z, we got down to H, both of us, didn't we?

Speaker 2 So, where do you want to go now? I do want to split it into three. So, do I to Q? I think I to Q.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay. So, this is David O'Dotti's Things David Like.

Speaker 2 Things we got so basic. Things we like A to H.
If you want a handy reminder, you go first, David. You're A to H?

Speaker 2 I think my A was Accle Island, the island off the west coast, or maybe Unshot, the bar around the corner for me.

Speaker 2 B, it wasn't bicycles. It was bagel with peanut butter banana on them.
C was Cooper's Pale Ale. D was the double-decker chocolate bar.
E was Ernest Shackleton. F was F minor 9, the chord.

Speaker 2 G was George George Saunders, the author, and H was not Helen Cupter, but hats. Hats, H is for hats.
Apples, bolognese, Cornhole, the game with a hacky sack you throw into a hole.

Speaker 2 Death in Paradise, Exmouth Market, first bottle of liga on holiday, golf, specifically the Ryder Cup, Glenn Hoddle. So here we go.
We do I to Q. I to Q.
I to Q. You go first.

Speaker 2 Here we go. Here's David Ottis.
Every time you say apples, I just feel it really brings down the, because I'm pretty sure Ian Rushton has a book of A to Z

Speaker 2 A is for apples B is for balladays

Speaker 2 F is for first bottle of lager on holidays which is really odd

Speaker 2 okay here we go here we go I I

Speaker 2 iceberger now do you have this here what's called walls in the UK streets in Australia it's a they're a brand of ice creams Okay. And there's one here.
It's called HB Hughes Brothers here.

Speaker 2 And one of them is a rectangular bit of vanilla ice cream with a chocolatey

Speaker 2 cafer on each side of it. Iceberger.
Love it. J, Jaws, the greatest film ever made.

Speaker 2 Nice. K is for keyboards, specifically piano keyboards.
No,

Speaker 2 I'm agnostic on keyboards on computers. Of course.
Don't really care.

Speaker 2 L is for the light lock, which is my new bicycle.

Speaker 2 This sounds like SpawnCon, but apparently the thieves can't cut through the light lock with the spinning blade you get in the center aisle in Little anymore. Is that right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's the really good new one.

Speaker 2 M is for Max slash Marsbar. I do love this time we have together.

Speaker 2 Thanks. N is for Nish,

Speaker 2 who

Speaker 2 you know, another of my great friends. The fact that he did the first one of these and then did the first live show.

Speaker 2 Oh, is for overnight oats. God, that's boring.
P is for certain aspects of the pandemic in retrospect.

Speaker 2 The problem is that retrospect involves if I'd just known that things were going to come back to a relative normality afterwards, I could have just kicked back. Got it.

Speaker 2 And Q is Quentin the striker on your football team,

Speaker 2 who I always enjoyed hearing about how you had just shouted at a lot of people. Quentin had meanwhile squared a hat-trick.
Interestingly, he says he's retired. He's only like 37.
What?

Speaker 2 So we've really got to work on him because he gets injured and he's done everything he needs to do at this level of the game, frankly.

Speaker 2 So we've basically, we've got like a pincer movement six-month plan between many of us to get him back in. Because without him, we are just old men running around doing our own thing.

Speaker 2 Is he an anesthetist? Did you once say? No, that's Henry the anaesthetist. Okay, right.
And actually quite good.

Speaker 2 When we have the vote night where we all sing songs and we all have a song, it's quite fun. When I first got there, I thought this is a cult.

Speaker 2 But like you vote after each game, you vote for who you think were the three best players in the team. They get three points, two points, one point.

Speaker 2 And then you have like a vote night like Eurovision, which goes on forever, where every envelope is opened and you count who's got player of the year and it's always pointed. That's nice.

Speaker 2 But for Henry, I came up with the In Excess's song Anisoties,

Speaker 2 Anisoties Me, Da Da Da.

Speaker 2 Da Nisota. Anyway, do you want mine?

Speaker 2 I is for Indiana Jones. First three Stone Cold Classics.
Oh, wow. I'd say the first, afterwards, they go off a cliff after those.

Speaker 2 J is for Jamie Britton.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Or Jurassic Park.
I couldn't work out. It's probably the two.

Speaker 2 Why didn't you just say Jurassic Park? It would have really got got me out of a lot of trouble there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm sorry. Kay, I can only think of Kit Kats, but I do like a Kit Kat.

Speaker 2 That's so...

Speaker 2 That's apples all over again. It is, yeah.
I'm a simple guy. L is for live radio.
I do love live radio. Yeah.
M is for mature cheddar.

Speaker 2 My M was you and Marsbar, my great friends from the world of podcasting. Mature cheddar.
Yeah, at least a six. A crumbly or one with even with a crunch.
You know, a Cornish quartz.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm thinking about. And I couldn't choose between the 90s and naps, but I've gone for the 90s.
What are we doing here?

Speaker 2 No, I was talking to Jamie about O because I couldn't get O. Oh.
I thought maybe I should just write.

Speaker 2 I haven't put my parents in this, David. You're not in it.
I thought I could write, you know, Orson Welles early stuff, just because there's nothing to make me appear Orbane in this list.

Speaker 2 And then she did say, when you have an orange, you really like it. But I've got too many of these.
I do. I don't eat them often, but I really.

Speaker 2 So I've got

Speaker 2 oceans because I want to live by the sea. One day, I'd like to open my windows and see the sea.
But S is already reserved for something else, so I can't use that.

Speaker 2 P is for playing football, and Q, obviously, is for Queen Latifah. I'm like.

Speaker 2 No, Q, actually, and Jamie got this one as well. We went through a thing, a few things, quesadillas,

Speaker 2 questions, quizzes, quizzes. I love a quiz.

Speaker 2 And we all know if there's something I know, I know how a quiz works. I know how a quiz works.
You really do.

Speaker 2 You really understand the jeopardy, the excitement, and the fact that they're just over really quickly. That's the key with a quiz.

Speaker 2 You just return to your normal life, maybe having learned a little tidbit. That's why you get quizzes.
On that subject, Anna from York says, I'm Max and David.

Speaker 2 When David said I nearly completed my Panini 88 at sticker book, except for one player, I thought, here we go. So we had another no-clue lasting for months game.

Speaker 2 I was slightly relieved when he just said Eric Black. I also now fast-forward the I am the one and only torture tune, like one of your other listeners, make it end.

Speaker 2 Well, let's play. They're just normal countries.
Here we go. It's time for they're just normal countries.

Speaker 7 I am the one and only.

Speaker 7 What country could I be?

Speaker 7 I am the one and only.

Speaker 7 Where in the world could our listeners be?

Speaker 2 Thank you so much for the jingle. So here we go.
Previous guests is Madagascar, Namibia, Costa Rica, Uganda, North Korea, Guyana, the Northern Marianas Islands, Bhutan, Brunei, Nepal, Esbatini, U.S.

Speaker 2 Virgin Islands, Equatorial Guinea, San Marino, correct. Liechtenstein, Turkmenistan, Seychelles, Mauritius, Georgia, Vatican City, Oman, Fiji, correct.
Vanuatu, Bolivia. We didn't start the fire.

Speaker 2 Every time you say that, that's the song that I wish played. Mrs.
N writes, hello, Max David and Marsba. Thank you so much for a brilliant podcast.

Speaker 2 Listening to it reminds me of the famous quote by Swedish author Stig Johansson from the 1984 novel Den Kapasaja de Himmlen.

Speaker 2 All those days that came and went, little did I know that they were life. Well, that is true.
Oh, God, that is pretty strong. That is good.
Now, I will attempt a guess for their just normal countries.

Speaker 2 I'm a little in doubt if this guess is counted as a separate country in your statistics, as for some purposes, it is seen as part of Denmark. But here goes, my guess is the Faroe Islands.

Speaker 2 Happy day to all. Everything is showbiz.
Mrs. N, producer Will, sitting in for Marsbar.
Will, is the Faroe Islands correct?

Speaker 2 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Speaker 2 Yes!

Speaker 2 Amazing. One listen in the Faroe Islands.
I'm slightly disappointed. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I was going to put the Faroe Islands at maybe like 150 or something. I don't know why, but I imagine it fits the grim climate and those puffins clinging to the cliffs.
But no, turns out just one.

Speaker 2 So now that's three. We've got three correct answers.
San Marino, Fiji, and the Faroe Islands. It's like the World Cup group of death, isn't it? This is really good stuff.

Speaker 2 Nations League Group Division D6.

Speaker 2 You say group of death. If Ireland was drawn in that group, I would fancy us getting through.
Certainly, a playoff. I'm not sure.
I actually think Ireland would struggle. But anyway, Mrs.

Speaker 2 N, you have control of the board, and there are two great ones to get. You'll get in touch, or we'll get in touch because this is very exciting.
For the time being, the rest of the world sit down.

Speaker 2 You're out of the game. David, I have a question for you.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Time did you wake up yesterday morning? 7-0-5,

Speaker 2 too early, even though we're a week and a bit post-clocks going back.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I still seem to be waking up a little bit too early.
I mean, you have my sympathies.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd say I do. All right.
Helicopter is peacefully beside me. I take the opportunity to look at all of the news in the world, and I know it all.

Speaker 2 And I only realize that because when Helen subsequently wakes up and reads the news, she says headlines to me and I tell her exactly what happens in that story. Okay, all right.

Speaker 2 So it's like she's woken up next to Trevor MacDonald.

Speaker 2 This is very exciting.

Speaker 2 This is awkward because Helen had a long-term affair with Trevor MacDonald and I don't like,

Speaker 2 in a way, it's my Lily Allen. that's the CIC.
I'm looking forward to your concept album. Do you know what you could do is you could repurpose the news at 10.
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba bum.

Speaker 2 Trevor McDonald.

Speaker 2 It's such a shit.

Speaker 2 We're now with Helen.

Speaker 2 Sorry, carry on.

Speaker 2 It would be a tough one because every time I heard news, my first thought, news of any kind. Or any time you heard a bong.
Any time you heard bong

Speaker 2 made you burst into tears.

Speaker 2 My camponology team,

Speaker 2 they were very sad, but I had to quit.

Speaker 2 So she stirs. I hear the alarm go off.
We give it a nine-minute.

Speaker 2 Intriguingly, and I don't know how, she set it to a new little song. Oh, okay.
The alarm on the phone. They're all terrible, aren't they? They're all bad.
Well, everything's bad at that time.

Speaker 2 It's funny because at around five past seven, I was going back for my first nap of the day.

Speaker 2 I was going back to get 20 minutes. Anyway, carry on.
So I say, I'll make some coffee. And I specifically just say coffee because I am still full from the evening before.
Got it.

Speaker 2 I'd had a big old pizza and a sort of unnecessary pint that was delicious, but has, it's still sitting there.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 Helen says, great, yeah, coffee and just whatever food's down there. which doesn't make sense because there's no food down there.
I will have to manufacture something with my hands.

Speaker 2 And it's not like recently she's like made you breakfast while you're asleep so you couldn't possibly reciprocate.

Speaker 2 She wants it. She's ready for food.
And then I panic. I mean, this happens a lot in my life, Max, where

Speaker 2 I'm not that hungry. So I should just make for both of us something light.

Speaker 2 But instead, I just look what's down there. There's a large avocado that'll be on the turn soon.
There's a big old bagel. I'll fry an egg and pop it on on top.
Like, probably the most filling possible

Speaker 2 delicious breakfast. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I'll bring that up. There's a lot of breakfast in bed in your life.
And I just have to be in the kitchen for breakfast. I can't be eating it in bed.

Speaker 2 And this is something that Helen has brought to my life. She likes to get up slightly too early and then ease her way in with some surfing and turfing on the phone

Speaker 2 and maybe

Speaker 2 some chats, etc. Whereas, no, I would be get up 20 minutes before you need to leave and go straight out.
But these are the sacrifices you make, Max.

Speaker 2 Yes, you're right.

Speaker 2 I will say two observations at this point in the day. I made a lot of my health kick, which began post the Edinburgh Fringe.

Speaker 2 I sense my body easing into quite a hybernative state as the hour has has gone back and the weather's gone a little bit more miserable here. Right.
Famously, like the hibernating squirrel.

Speaker 2 Yes, you know it's changing because I see my jackets pattern has changed.

Speaker 2 I even brought out the big dog the other night, the world's heaviest jacket that when I wear it makes me look like I'm in season two of The Wire, the other one where they're working on the docks.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's one of those jackets. And then the other thing is

Speaker 2 we have had photographs taken of this house. For Hello Magazine.
With a view. David and the helicopter welcome you into their beautiful home.

Speaker 2 The bikes have all been tarted up.

Speaker 2 This is exciting. They all have little bows on them.

Speaker 2 Does Hello Magazine still do that? I mean, I have absolutely no idea. I think so.
I just think still going. I think, you know, Anthea Turner welcomes her into her beautiful

Speaker 2 Cotswolds home. I'm almost certain.
I would have thought celebrity news has kind of got more salacious since then with Lily Allen and her fella's bag of buttons.

Speaker 2 Arga is just not quite up. It's just not getting the hits these days.
We need something more, Anthea. Just having an Auger is not going to cut it these days.

Speaker 2 Exactly. It's

Speaker 2 Prince Albert of Monaco shows us his new sex swing.

Speaker 2 So the Fala came and did the photos the day before yesterday. And because

Speaker 2 people will be coming to look at the house, theoretically. This is the thing.
You might be selling

Speaker 2 this place. And the listeners are invested in

Speaker 2 the railings, the Araldite, cockring and all this. So

Speaker 2 they all need to be on board with the sale before we let it go ahead. Do we have to have a sort of AGM of all the listeners in the Margaret Court arena in

Speaker 2 all those in favor of us potentially selling this house and people just raise their little program? Somebody apologies for absence. Sorry, I just couldn't make it.
But you have to let us know.

Speaker 2 But the house is phenomenally tidy. We spent pretty much four days making it tidier than it's ever been because I think you want to convey a homely lived in vibe, but not to

Speaker 2 you are moving into our house vibe. Not the shit tip that it is and it will be as soon as you've moved in.

Speaker 2 It's one of those ridiculous things. In Australia, people basically move out and get like the whole thing is redone and they pay thousands of dollars to like redo it.

Speaker 2 And then idiots come in going, well, this is really good. Look at all this stuff.
And then they can't afford the furnishings that have been. It's mad.
It's like a mad blind spot that we all have.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And also from viewing houses over the years, I also realized that if there's an incongruous pot plant sitting somewhere, you should definitely move it a few inches because there's a huge streak of damp on the wall behind it.

Speaker 2 Like it's such a giveaway. If something's been freshly painted, it's because there's blood there.
There's a ghost occasionally pops up. So they carpeted the rooms in this house.

Speaker 2 So we got someone telling it, we'll take the carpets up and you can just have the floorboards. And the floorboards were basically sawdust, you know, literally just like

Speaker 2 they saw us coming. So there is a funny element, even this early in the morning, coming downstairs, because it does seem like I've wandered into someone else's house.
Okay. But it's nice.
I like it.

Speaker 2 We send the helicopter to work.

Speaker 2 And again, I am feeling a little...

Speaker 2 I should have done a cycle here. I should have done a proper 20K here.
And I feel that could have kick-started this day a little more. But

Speaker 2 time

Speaker 2 is precious so and I know I need to do a shop that's my job because we're out of everything so I decide yeah I'll take the bike with the giant basket good on it and go to Little

Speaker 2 on the way I can't resist calling into my favorite bike shop and talking to Dara for a while but then because I realize I am distracting him from the work he should be doing on the bikes.

Speaker 2 I then feel like I need to buy a bicycle tube just because it's the cheapest possible item just to pay him for the five minutes of coverage.

Speaker 2 Do you have a cupboard that you open that's just got millions and they're just falling out?

Speaker 2 Just a hole in the ground and I throw it into it and

Speaker 2 throw dirt over the top of it.

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Speaker 2 Your earbud fell in a coffee cup. You need a taco, pick me up.

Speaker 2 When modern life gets rough, grab the timeless taste you love. Paso, the old El Paso.

Speaker 2 I go for a fairly unremarkable little shop.

Speaker 2 We're probably around 11 11 now.

Speaker 2 Because I have the bike, it does an amazing thing

Speaker 2 because you realize you're going to have to cycle all of this home.

Speaker 2 You don't buy

Speaker 2 six cans of Cobra lager because they seem like they're at a good price because that will be a pain to carry. You don't buy...

Speaker 2 you know, a chainsaw lube from the center aisle or whatever there happens to be. So it's more coriander.
You buy light things, spring onions, stuff like that. Okay, so it's a good shop.

Speaker 2 It's a good, sensible shop. Yeah, it's a good shop.
I get home, but I've done that thing where I should have had a plan for lunch from having done a shop. This is such a waster's day.

Speaker 2 This is such an amazing day. You don't realize how great this day is.
No, I don't. You're not even chasing a goose.
You're just sort of thinking about a goose.

Speaker 2 Look, I'm struggling with the, it's not seasonally affected, it's more just the winter is coming.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I feel like when we lived in London, I bought Jamie so many lights that lit up like the sun and played piano music as a way of saying, you don't need to move to Australia. Look at this.

Speaker 2 This has like a reddy hue to it. This light is lovely.
You just putting the heating on full blast the whole time. Look, it's actually another beautiful warm day.
Don't go outside. It's February.

Speaker 2 I'm in my swimming shorts again in the house. I make a very healthy lunch then

Speaker 2 because I've decided I need to try and beat this maudlin feeling. Fug.
You're in a fug. Yes.
So what is the healthiest possible thing? Like, it doesn't even make sense as a sandwich.

Speaker 2 I've bought tender stem broccoli because that's the number one default thing I buy when I'm trying to be healthy and generally throw out 50% of it, if I'm honest. My default is a carrot.

Speaker 2 I buy it and I eat it straight away for instant gratification. Without even peeling it, just like Bugs Bunny was.
Without even peeling it, just walk out of the shop, eat the carrot like Bugs Bunny.

Speaker 2 And suddenly I think I'm going to live forever.

Speaker 2 I make a sandwich that has cooked salmon, tender stem broccoli in a brown pit of bread. Like there is no cracked.
I know, but even as I'm eating it, I'm like, this is not enough. No.

Speaker 2 This is absolutely not enough. It's sad.
It's a sad lunch. Yes.
And I have work to do, and this hasn't given me the zhizh that I needed.

Speaker 2 So I undermine the entire healthiness of that lunch by walking up to the shop and getting a can of Pepsi Max. Okay.
Pepsi Max cherry-flavored. I'd say the worst possible drink for you.

Speaker 2 A man is coming, a mysterious man who's going to give the

Speaker 2 place a BER rating, Burr rating, which I think is building energy efficiency, or no, whatever R is short for. Because when you're flogging a house, you need to have one of these ratings.

Speaker 2 And I thought he would just come in, stick his snoot in, and be like, yeah, yeah, this is fine or whatever. But he explains to me that it's an A to G rating

Speaker 2 and he spends half an hour walking around that. Apple to golf, the famous Apple apples to golf rating.

Speaker 2 Oh, golf, Brackett's Ryder Cup

Speaker 2 or the Accle Island to George Saunders, as Mite is called. He spends half an hour and fair play, walking around, taking little measurements of things and goes up into the attic and all of that.

Speaker 2 He's taking it very seriously. And does he tell you what's happening, or does he leave and you're none the wiser? He's sort of like a mysterious man.

Speaker 2 Well, with him, I'm not sure if i'm supposed to be sort of sweet talking him a little bit because we want a good rating for it got it theoretically increases the value of the house it's hard to do isn't it being like this door closes so tightly no draft so efficient here don't you think i shut the door i pretend to be suffocating just

Speaker 2 coming in

Speaker 2 I try to make him a coffee and stuff like that, but these guys are wise to all those tricks.

Speaker 2 You know, I tried to make small talk, but the problem is the house doesn't even have like 12 bikes in the sitting room anymore that I can sort of be like, oh, the missus, she puts all her bikes in here, whatever.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I can't make any of those jokes.
So instead, I just sit in. one room while he goes around it with his little sort of ghost measuring machine.
It's possible he's like a ghostbuster.

Speaker 2 Did Yvette Fielding walk in and like go to start screaming?

Speaker 2 My house is not Fear Factor or whatever that was. While I'm sitting there, you

Speaker 2 send me a picture of a text you've been sent calling you a snowflake. Yeah.
So on in your sports life, what was everyone furious about today? So I was doing the afternoon show on Talk Sport.

Speaker 2 So that's midnight till three for me.

Speaker 2 So we were talking about the possible the government might put a sort of one-size-fits-all policy for tax on gambling because the profits are pretty big and it doesn't pay that much tax.

Speaker 2 Obviously, that could have a big impact. Like betting shops could close.
It could have a big impact on racing and whatever. And our racing correspondent is on explaining those things.

Speaker 2 So I just sort of say, you know, but, you know, the government have said with the extra money, they could get half a million children out of poverty. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Which is, you know, you win some, you lose some, right?

Speaker 2 Anyway.

Speaker 2 Someone wrote, could someone point out to the socialist numpty Russian that all his communist government heroes need to do is stop the boats and stop spending our money on his illegal immigrant pals.

Speaker 2 That's Dom.

Speaker 2 And Tom says, Can you get this woke clown, Max, off the radio, please? Unbearable.

Speaker 2 And Rob says, I don't remember the illegal immigrant supporting Rushton, offering any sympathy to any other non-labor chancellors. All of a sudden, now it's a tough job.
That was what I said.

Speaker 2 That's what I said. It's quite different the messages that we get from what you do

Speaker 2 than the ones you get from

Speaker 2 talking about a gambling tax. Yeah, well, I enjoyed that very much.

Speaker 2 And then he goes off and I decide it's time to do some work. Right.

Speaker 2 I know you don't think I ever do that. But we're approaching.
I now know, officially, it's like 3.40 in the afternoon now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it is.

Speaker 2 I have a great plan for a thing for Christmas. Oh, is it a cheeseboard?

Speaker 2 No, it's a thing that I've mentioned to you and Mario in passing

Speaker 2 that we could do leading up to Christmas. And it involves a bit of work to get it together.
So I start writing that. I have

Speaker 2 various drafts, but I want to, I'll explain it better close to the time when I know what it is. But yeah, I'm excited to do that.
And then at about six o'clock, Helen's having a tough day and work.

Speaker 2 So I said, I'll make dinner. I'll have the dinner there.
Great. I'll use all of the healthy things that I got on the shop earlier.
And I make, it's a Donald's default dinner, which is

Speaker 2 noodles with chicken and then loads of just raw veg chopped up in it. It's a sort of cold noodle salad, I guess.
And then you don't have to. Is the weather too...

Speaker 2 It feels too cold. from how you've described the coats you've been putting on for a cold noodle salad.
Yeah, cold is, that's giving you the wrong impression.

Speaker 2 Also, salad is giving you the wrong impression. Okay, so I must say calling it a cold salad was perhaps

Speaker 2 I think you were steering me, leading me on a merry dance there.

Speaker 2 I call it that because I use it to con myself into thinking that it is in fact a very healthy thing.

Speaker 2 Like I'd say, it's fairly healthy because it's got like chopped carrot and spring onion and pepper and crushed cashew nuts in it too.

Speaker 2 But then you dunk on a load of soy sauce that you've melted sugar into and water to give it a sort of sweet, tangy vibe.

Speaker 2 I suspect it's not that good for you if you analyze it, but we don't need to do that now. No, okay.
I love it. I eat it like breakfast cereal.
Chomp, chomp, chomp. Two bowls.
Chomp, chomp, chomp.

Speaker 2 And I've made so much of it. There's another three portions.
So we'll have that for lunch. today and bring one over to my mum.
We

Speaker 2 settle back then. Oh, I do a little bit more work on this top secret thing that the listeners are going to love

Speaker 2 and then

Speaker 2 we settle down to watch some television there is one of the rarest of all flowers an episode of grand designs i haven't seen with a really posh man on it

Speaker 2 you don't get this often so the jeopardy is all different when you have a super posho because it's not really i'm going to live in a caravan with my pregnant partner.

Speaker 2 It's just, oh dear, I'm going to have to go back to the Bank of Mummy and ask for more money. He's building a castle in Kent, I think.

Speaker 2 It's so over the top. The spend on it comes to $7 million and it's not even finished at the end.

Speaker 2 It's a good one, though, particularly in the context of us, you know, possibly moving. We do officially put a line through, build your own castle.

Speaker 2 Seems smart.

Speaker 2 At this point, Helen nods off to sleep.

Speaker 2 And I know this because I take some fun photos of me lying beside her and then text them to her that she will find when she wakes up and claims that she wasn't asleep.

Speaker 2 And then the other thing that proves that she 100% was asleep is that I watch various evening news kind of breakdown shows.

Speaker 2 And so this morning, when she relates these stories to me, I give her the insight on them from the shows that she hasn't seen the night before.

Speaker 2 She loves to claim she wasn't asleep or that she just dropped off for a second, but it's a solid hour of extra sleep, to be honest. That's it, really.

Speaker 2 We retreat into the house that looks like we don't live there, that looks like a sort of idealized version of us live there.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I don't drop off, she drops off immediately. I am worrying a little bit about finance and houses and things like that.

Speaker 2 It would be good if this podcast hit the 4 million listener mark. I think Mars Bar once everybody said that.
Like, it's going well, but what we need is everybody to introduce it to

Speaker 2 five

Speaker 2 friends

Speaker 2 and then we can build the castle like my fear with podcasts is that

Speaker 2 there was a point where everyone just looked at their podcasts app and was like great i have enough podcasts now and maybe they're not in that sort of pandemic era of oh i'll try this i'll try that and i'm certainly not saying it to these listeners here but the ones who are staying on for the teddington quiz but they could recommend it to five friends It could imply there that you're hoping for another global pandemic, which we're not.

Speaker 2 No, no, because actually, it would be difficult. It would make our podcast worse because nobody would do anything.

Speaker 2 But, however, I did seem to have the certain aspects of the pandemic in my

Speaker 2 things you like.

Speaker 2 Yes, so see us for COVID. Marsborough always says it's going well, like we're doing and we're on the right trajectory.

Speaker 2 But as you did advanced mathematics, I know this

Speaker 2 right trajectory we don't know the time scale we're working at do remember the guy who worked out the mathematics of the Teddington quiz I do if we just keep randomly guessing it'll be solved in something like 54,000 years yeah we need more than four million listeners by or downloads a month whatever within a thousand years is good

Speaker 2 but let's expedite that that's what I would say if this was a business meeting You know, let's try and

Speaker 2 rattle on with that. And then I tells after sleep.
So that was what I did yesterday.

Speaker 2 I went back to the Reddit page. This is good from Mike.

Speaker 2 The Teddington 2. Yeah.
Mike writes, is anyone else also getting sick of this? I can sense the frustration between DOD and Miles Barr at this point.

Speaker 2 Huge fan of every other mundane segment Max has created, but this one has a stretch too far, right?

Speaker 2 I think the stats on this week's midweek mayhem, while being a great writing, tipped it over the edge for me, To which there were lots of replies, basically saying, Yeah, it's terrible.

Speaker 2 But Modest Wimper said, I think it's great. And if DOD and Miles Barr want it to end, they should just guess the right answer, to be honest.

Speaker 2 Is that you, by any chance? Is that

Speaker 2 and then David Squires, the Guardian cartoonist, whose cartoon this week was absolutely brilliant.

Speaker 2 He said, I'm so desperate to get closer on that fucking Teddington game that I'm going to end up like that billionaire who measures his bonus so he can live for 2,000 years.

Speaker 2 Jermaine Defoe and Stanley fucking Laurel, says David. Incorrect.
Okay, I've got it. Oh, you've got it.
Okay, David, you got it. I've decided that there is

Speaker 2 the only reason you would have started this is for a kooky, fun

Speaker 2 reason.

Speaker 2 And with that in mind, there is only one

Speaker 2 person, to the best of my knowledge, who is a contemporary stand-up comedian who has played professional football. So what you saw was the same

Speaker 2 person

Speaker 2 doing two different things

Speaker 2 and that person is Terry Alderton a very funny comedian who was goalkeeper for Southend United he was in the 90s well it's incorrect obviously

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 it's a good guess though wasn't it it was I liked your thinking but I can confirm it was a comedian who I don't think could have played football for England and a footballer who I don't think would do a great tight 10.

Speaker 2 That's the first time I've given you clues. Oh, they're clues.

Speaker 2 If you this is the first time you're listening, a few months ago in Teddington, I saw a comedian putting up a poster for his own show, and then a few days later, I saw

Speaker 2 producer Will right now is just googling footballers. He's just put the word footballers in.
Stanley Matthews image searched it. Here we go, Will.

Speaker 2 So I'm also going to go for a goalkeeper as well.

Speaker 2 Unfortunately, I don't actually know his name, but

Speaker 2 my wife, whenever she sees him, says that he looks like a banana. So I don't know if

Speaker 2 you didn't help there.

Speaker 2 I think that's Joe Hart. Joe, that's exactly what I was thinking.
Joe Hart looks a bit like a banana. Something about his hands.

Speaker 2 One sec, one sec. Joe Hart.

Speaker 2 It's not Joe Hart. Oh, sorry.
My apologies to Joe. Interestingly, Joe Hart was the last person to ever hand me a Jaeger bomb.
That's a different anecdote. So we're still looking for it.

Speaker 2 Now, this is a different quiz. What goalkeeper looks like a banana? David Seaman? Does he look like a banana? No, he doesn't look.
He's got a ponytail. He's a modern one.
There's a modern keeper.

Speaker 2 He looks like a banana.

Speaker 2 I think it's his attire that she always comments on.

Speaker 2 Which, to be fair, I'm just looking at goalkeepers now, and they all sort of wear the same sort of yellow outfit. So

Speaker 2 that is so terrible that we both thought that Joe Hart looked like a banana.

Speaker 2 So he plays in a yellow vest then. Sorry, I thought he always wore yellow suits and he had boots that were big bananas and he would keep slipping in them as well as he as he walked around.

Speaker 2 Whoever that keeper is, David, I'm gonna submit that keeper because that sounds amazing. That'll be fun.
Okay, and the comedian is. I'll stick with a fruit and veg theme and I'll go for carrot top.

Speaker 2 It will stagger you and it will stagger the world.

Speaker 2 Incorrect.

Speaker 2 Will, I think, may for the first time have shaken a bit of crack out of this awful segment.

Speaker 2 Joe Hart doesn't look like a banana, but we both just were right out there going, that is exactly who you meant.

Speaker 2 Listeners, if you have any comments on this segment or any of the other segments, or indeed would like to tell us aspects of your A to Z of things you like, this is how how to get in touch with us.

Speaker 2 To get in touch with the show, you can email us at what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com. Follow us on Instagram at yesterday pod.

Speaker 2 And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform. And if you didn't, please don't.

Speaker 2 Thank you, David. I had a really lovely hour just then.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 in it. And I'm doing the hand motions in

Speaker 2 it. It.
No, that's the in charades, actually. So that's not really it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So in it

Speaker 2 for

Speaker 2 number four, and then life, you just go around like that.

Speaker 2 What's the it, uh, listeners? How do you mime an it if we want a 3-2-1 style dance to end this and every podcast?

Speaker 2 Let us know. Thanks, David.
Everything's showing. Thanks, Max.