Tom's New Obsession w/ Brian Simpson | Your Mom's House Ep. 777

Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

And welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House.

Joining me as always is my lovely co-host, Christine.

All right.

Thank you for you look lovely.

I can't wait to hear your input this episode.

You've really been killing it the last few episodes.

Joining me as a guest today is one of my absolute favorites if you have not seen his special you should check it out on netflix it's called brian simpson live from the mothership you can get tickets to see him on tour at brian simpsoncomedy.com it's

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Brian Simpson, everybody.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Baby face, Brian.

Advice champ.

The advice champ with a fresh shaved face.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Wild.

It's a big mistake.

I mean, now I can see the marine.

Now I see it.

Before I didn't see it.

Now I see it.

Well, this will actually not be acceptable.

This is not acceptable?

Because there's stubble?

Yeah.

Okay.

So it was clean every day.

Do they accept accept any?

Can you do anything?

You can get a

chick.

A clearance to do that?

Yeah, yeah.

Like if you have a skin condition or something.

Yeah, or a lot of black people have, they get the razor bumps.

Yeah.

So they got to get it.

So a lot of the white dudes be pissed about it.

Yeah.

So white dudes can't do anything?

Yeah, if they get razor bumps.

That's it.

But they're just less likely to.

Right.

Because they don't have the thick.

And then they can keep a clean cut.

beard or something no no no but you can just get away with like buzzing it instead of shaving it all the way to the skin Oh, okay.

But there's no such thing as like a mustache.

Do certain branches allow it?

Yeah, yeah.

And certain, and I've seen like special forces people can.

They always have it.

They're allowed to do whatever they fucking want to do.

Because they're special forces.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because like you're actually hurting people.

Yeah, you know.

Or whatever.

I don't know what it is.

They always.

That's a great trade-off.

Because you are going to kill a lot of people, go ahead and grow a mustache.

Right, right.

I'm sure there's

some other reason why they get to have a beard.

Yeah.

Yeah, because most of them have it.

Yeah, most of them kind of look like dirtbags.

yeah you know when you meet them you're like what they're like they're always kind of i don't know semi-disheveled yeah i don't know what that is i mean maybe this is about just living in the bush just like living like one of them just living a tree yeah waiting on a shot but you're doing this because you're regrowing right i'm just starting over yeah i'm just starting i had covet and that this last this new covet that lasts forever was it bad it wasn't bad but like because i thought i started testing negative after like five days or whatever but it took me two more weeks before i felt

you know like all the soreness and all the phlegm and yeah i just was like i'm gonna start all over and i cut everything off okay well how many times you had covered now like four isn't that crazy it just keeps

oh it's never gonna go away no no no it's like right it's like a flu now yearly flu right yeah it's gonna keep coming back yeah but it's like it's not devastating anymore no not anymore well this one actually this one turned into pneumonia for a lot of people oh really oh maybe it is because it was just a lot like it took my body like i said a couple weeks to get all this shit out all the damage Really?

Yeah.

Fuck.

Yeah, but you know, I'm an overweight smoker, so that

probably made it worse.

Sure.

Yeah.

But I mean, you're better.

You're back.

I'm back.

I'm back, baby.

And did you shave like as soon as you got over it?

Is that when you did it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah.

I was just like, just get it away.

But that was a mistake.

And I'm basically, by the way, I'm joining you.

I need these like all the time now.

Glasses?

Yeah.

Oh, where you didn't.

I didn't need any glasses for 40 years.

Then, like, around 40, 41, I started to be like looking at screens.

I'm like, what's going on?

Like, fucking, all right, doing this face.

And then I just put them on, you know, just to like look at a screen.

I'm moving into my, into my Switch era.

You know, you see the old people are like, wait a minute.

Yeah.

And they got a side there just for,

okay, you know?

Yeah.

I'm going to start having to carry two pairs.

Well, I do that sometimes, unless you wear your trans glasses, which they.

Oh, like the bifocals?

Or the ones that they turn to sunglasses.

Oh, these do that.

Oh, yeah.

They turn blue or whatever.

Yeah, that's fucking tight, man.

This shit don't last.

Well, they look cool.

It does look cool.

Yeah, you're right.

See?

They're fucking cool.

It looks cool.

Yeah, it does.

It does look cool.

All right.

I have so much to show you, so many things to ask you.

We have people want your advice.

There's all kinds of things.

Let's fucking do it, man.

Here's the opening clip.

Oh, you should throw those on for the clips.

Here we go.

And

all right.

Right now, I feel.

What do you feel?

Don't be anyone loving

See, this is what I classify this as

white Tivities.

You know what I mean?

All these are white Tivities.

Yeah, like this is.

Christina Pazici is.

It's a white anger.

This is like the Get the Demons Out.

It's female anger camp.

Oh,

shit.

Aeoli is just mayonnaise with seasonings.

I know some girls that need to go to that shit, though.

Yeah.

They have one for guys.

It's just the opening song.

It'll end.

It's only six minutes long.

I thought somebody made a mistake.

No, no, no.

So this is a female.

They have one for guys.

It's really gay, and they say it's not.

But this is just for women.

Hold on, men do this too?

Yes.

oh my god it's fucking so this is this this is like those camps like they like where like the pussy ass dudes pay like real men to like teach them to be a man or whatever exactly oh and they're like show me your inner warrior you know and he does it

and he's like

and he starts crying and they're like yeah you did it you're a man now yeah you're gonna be a man in three days yeah exactly yeah those those are super embarrassing to watch yeah fuck man yeah but this is i guess this one is just for chicks and yeah i like why are they taping this?

This is embarrassing.

It's so embarrassing.

They're hoping that I think taping this will get other women to sign up for it.

That's what I think they're hoping for.

This is because this needs to be more of a sizzle reel.

Like, it's not like it needs to be quick cuts.

Yeah.

So you're not embarrassing nobody.

No, I know.

Because the longer it lasts, you start to like, Jesus Christ.

Yeah, it's what's the word?

Cringe.

Cringe, yeah.

It's like watching somebody bomb.

You're just like, please wrap this up.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's horrible.

Oh, man.

We should send Christina here and tape it.

She would not participate.

No, she'd be miserable, huh?

There's no way.

Wouldn't you?

I'm sorry.

I don't mean to keep talking about you like you're not.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

She would not like that.

She would love to go and laugh at them, and then they'd be like, you can leave now.

Yeah.

The same way we would if we went to the men's camp.

I feel sad.

Yeah.

Do you have the men's one?

What's that?

That one is where he's like, push me.

Push me.

Yeah, let me pull it up.

It's fucking so,

so embarrassing.

It's yeah, they're,

I mean, I don't know.

I guess obviously, if someone's doing it, they feel like it's doing something for them.

Do we have some testimonials?

Like, does it work?

They'll swear it does.

Yeah, they talk about how they changed, they're less angry, found themselves, and yeah, yeah, for sure.

Like, I mean, look, I guess it's empowering in some way.

Throw some mushrooms in there, and

we can talk.

But I'm skeptical.

If it's not no hallucinogens involved, I'm skeptical.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, because

how can you change this from screaming in the woods?

Mm-hmm.

You know, unless you like escaped a serial killer or something.

Yeah.

You know,

that'll change a motherfucker.

But just going out there and banging sticks on the ground with other white women.

They do it.

Like, though, I'll tell you one of the camps that sounds cool, and I think it's really hard.

It's kind of like some special forces guys put it on where they go, We're going to take you out into the woods and put you through like a dialed down

special forces type of experience.

So they're making you, you know, they're pushing you to your limits.

See, there's no way I would do that.

Well, I mean, it would be really, it breaks you.

It breaks people.

Right, because

those type of people

love, like, they enjoy hurting people.

Yeah, they do.

So it's like, I would not put myself in the care of special forces.

And the only people that thrive in those are people who like, they eat it up.

They're like psychos.

Yeah, or they know that's the type of people that like to get, like, have a a dominatrix.

Yeah.

They like to be eaten.

Yeah.

You know, I'm sure it works, but I, but I would be, I would, I would be hesitant to trust a special forces person with like treating me.

And you're out in like the wilderness in the cold.

And you're completely dependent on them?

Yeah.

And they're like, you sleep outside today, Brian.

You know, you sleep out of this tent.

No, I'm, I'm comfortable being like 80% manly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you like blankets and shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, you know what?

If they did this shit in Compton,

like if they went to like a black, like a hood, and did this, I would be more convinced.

Yeah, was like, do it while you're actually scared, while you're scared, yeah, yes, go do it under the bridge, but like at like a homeless encampment.

Well, here's the perfect transition.

Here's somebody who says that, um,

let's see, this person is a singer-influencer who moved from uh

Russia to Hollywood, and this is what she posted: My face when I see a black singer.

That's it.

But it just feels very condescending.

Wait a minute.

What does she mean?

She just feels inspired and happy when seeing a black singer.

Okay.

I think part of this has to definitely do with the fact that she's from Russia.

And so you go like, she probably goes, you know.

To see black performers was like a foreign thing.

So now she's like, they're here.

Well, no, the weirdest thing about this clip to me is that it ain't no black people singing.

I think that the lady right behind her that like kind of waves when she turns, that lady was singing that waves.

See?

I think she just saw a black person and assumed.

That she sings.

To be fair, in middle school, I thought every black person.

She thinks that lady's Aretha Franklin.

Yeah, that's like at a restaurant, right?

Yeah.

That's just the Maitrey D.

But look how happy she is.

She's just like, I'm like, oh, like, oh,

these magical black people are like, like, she's like, she only read about black people in like, yeah, in fantasy novels or something.

Exactly.

She knows like Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston.

She's like, there's one right here.

They're real, like the Hobbits.

Yeah, that's pretty.

Yeah.

This is

okay.

Now, here's a more, let's see.

Do you have her caption?

That should be in the folder, too.

I mean, it's absolutely insane.

Her caption?

Yeah, the caption of that video.

Oh.

Oh, let me see.

It's

what was her folder called?

Oh, it's my face when I see Black Singer.

Oh, the caption.

Sorry.

The caption.

Oh,

I've always been inspired by black women.

Okay, so now it's just black women.

Okay.

Ten years ago, I began to study what jazz is and how it came to us.

I fell in love with this music, the style.

I've read books about gospel, blues, soul.

I became a real fan.

I watched movies about Ella Fitzgerald, Etta James, and other black women, and listened to old Billie Holiday recordings.

I've always felt a special energy in black women.

It was as if black people, despite all the difficulties, enjoyed life more and thanked for it.

And it inspired me a lot.

The race that was not accepted, they sing more cheerful songs.

They believe in God.

You know, Russian songs are almost always about suffering and consist only of minor chords.

I didn't like our Russian vibe, and I admired the Americans, their fresh, cheerful motives, even for the most difficult situation.

Let's remember, hit the road, Jack.

I want to dance to this song.

In addition to the cheerful melodies of lyrics and love of life, I was fascinated by the energy of African women.

It's like they have super much energy energy and they're ready to charge the stadium.

I always learned that from them: the audacity, courage, energy, and now even adore Lizzo beating her super powerful energy.

It's like they have so much power, energy, and freedom.

But to hear music from an African-American singer for the first time, God, it's like I got into a book from my childhood and this is real life.

I can't tell you how happy I was to wander into this restaurant today.

That's a lot.

That's a heavy fucking caption.

I don't know if she heard the recent Lizzo news,

which is.

She's like canceled or whatever.

Or she's done?

Yeah, the internet turned on Lizzo.

Why did they turn on her?

Because I guess she was being mean to her dancers or something.

Like, she was being mean to

fat dancers.

Yeah.

She kind of just fell off.

People are like, you're not nice.

I guess, but I don't know.

Because I ain't never seen her be mean to nobody.

I've just heard about her being mean.

There's like story.

I mean, that was kind of the thing that everybody, that was sort of the cancellation, so to speak, of Ellen, right?

Everybody was like, she's mean.

Yeah.

They were like, oh, you know, you turn on the TV and she's like, I dance in the aisles.

And then they were like, she's a fucking bitch.

Yeah, but it's like, but you got to show me proof.

Yeah.

Nobody got a secret recording.

I know.

It's just like disgruntled.

Yeah, because like, remember when they, when they said, your boy, remember when they had Christian Bale

like yelling at that one guy?

Yeah.

It's like, that didn't affect him.

No.

I need to see Ellen.

I don't want to see it.

I want to hear it at least.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But okay, so she likes black.

Does she want black penis?

That's what she really wants.

I think so.

She can't never go back to Russia after this.

No.

She's like, our music sucks.

Black people are way better.

Yeah, yeah.

We only got minor chords.

All our cuisine is gray.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's very happy to just

stumble into black people.

Yeah, at least eat at the restaurant, bitch.

She just walked in.

It's like, there's black people in there.

Do we know what city this is?

I don't know what city that was.

She's probably in New Orleans.

Here's the opposite of what you expect from a white lady.

That was in LA.

Wow, God, so I bought a fruit tree, mango tree to be exact, from Rada.

And two years, this tree, this mango tree, just stand up in a mi yard.

And I take good good space and not beer.

So this year, 2024,

me have some panic.

Okay, so so this I'm a manga tree from radar.

One mango,

two mango.

Well, technically, people never lied.

Tree small, but it beer.

But it did beer with only two mangoes, dam.

Now, interestingly enough,

I have the weirdest erection right now.

I know.

It's kind of hot.

One mango, two mango.

So she's Russian.

And she is married to a Jamaican.

She lives in Jamaica, has kids in Jamaica, and has just, all her English was learned in Jamaica.

So this is like an authentic.

So she wasn't raised in Jamaica.

I think she was, but I think she learned English there.

Wow.

It's hot.

It is hot.

Why?

Why is that hot?

It's fucking hot.

One mango, two mango.

Me, me plant me tree.

Like, yeah.

Yeah, that's not a good thing.

Me dick it hard.

Jamaican accent is slept on.

God damn it.

It's so strange.

That's not the same lady, is it?

No, fucking hot.

Oh, okay.

Uh-uh.

No, no, no.

Yeah, wow.

This is.

That's loaded, though, right?

It was was uncomfortable for like two seconds.

And it was like, because I thought she was pretending, I thought she was like doing the but no, this was great.

That was awesome.

That was great.

That was pretty awesome.

That's how you show your.

So somebody needs to send this to that first white lady and be like, this is how you appreciate the culture, bitch.

Go to Jamaica and fuck one of them niggas and plant a mango tree.

That's exactly.

I don't know.

Don't take care of culture.

Don't wander into a restaurant with a black woman in the background and go, I love these mystical creatures.

That's exactly what she did yeah

she was like oh my god look there's one right here

look at her she's right

there like she like she found a dragon yeah that is hilarious like of seeing a baby tiger at the zoo you're like they're out today

that's hilarious um

this person i'm going to show you let me see here is

okay this guy is black this has nothing to do with being black this is just my favorite find on Instagram.

Chef Rain.

Yeah.

Okay.

Also known as aka Fancy Chef.

Okay.

So he's posting constantly all of his

skills as a chef and is asking people, he's like, you need to book me.

You got to book me.

Is he just like

sprinkling crushed hot Cheetos on stuff?

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It's fucking amazing.

This ain't better than the Chinese.

It's just like it.

Because I do it all.

Chinese, French, Asian, Greek, Scandinavian, Portuguese, American, seafood, steaks, chops, you name it.

I do it.

Bake, fry, everything.

You name it.

That's probably his best video.

That food doesn't look great.

Nope.

And guess what?

It's not going to get better.

Oh, wow.

Okay, I'm gonna do the chef is gonna do a beautiful dessert.

Beautiful.

Today I'm featuring my lemon drop cakes.

Lemon drop cakes.

My lemon drop cakes.

That's a pineapple, sir.

My lemon drop cakes.

That's a champagne flute.

All right.

And he's putting my lemon drop cakes.

It's going to go in.

Wait a minute.

Right.

And I have the cardio.

That is a piece of cake.

Whips.

Cream.

Alright.

It's nice.

It's beautiful.

I have it.

Beautiful, nice.

I have it.

Okay, this is terrible.

So bad.

It's all right.

It's elegant.

I've had this dessert served in glasses.

Just watch.

Yeah.

He's not going to put champagne in there, right?

No.

Watch it.

Watch it.

Pay attention.

It's time for the chef.

Trying to take over.

Look, look, look.

Nice.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

This dude's like a little slow.

So go to his page because these aren't actually doing any justice to Fancy Chef.

Okay.

So scroll down, scroll down, scroll down.

Okay.

So like

you see

the middle,

one down, like hit that one.

Okay.

Okay, that's a rack of lamb

with

beautiful, beautiful mat.

Look how beautiful.

Look how nice.

Oh, my God.

I want you to book me now.

You've never seen this before.

There's a reason we haven't seen that before, sir.

I got strawberry, I got honey, I got honey ranch, I got beautiful stuff in there.

He's got ranch in there,

fruit, nice, strawberries, cookies, ranch, and lamb.

When I tell you, that's blonde, beautiful, delicious, that's so tasty.

Also, like chastisement,

no poor people.

It's just $2,000 a dish.

Look how nice the cartanalizing.

Just down my number nice.

That's $2,000.

It's beautiful and nice by the shelf.

All right, close it out.

I have to know.

And then he does a lot of things like that.

He'll talk.

Top is the Howard Dean screen.

Okay, let me help some of you people out.

40 years plus, I got in the kitchen.

40.

No one gave me this jacket.

I earned everything.

That jacket.

I earned it all.

Also, the stars just have ranks like he's a general.

That number?

Four years old.

I've been in the kitchen 40 40 years plus.

Hours, decades, months, 16 hours, 14 hours.

He's slow, right?

He put months after decades.

12 hours in the kitchen.

I worked every station.

Hours, months, decades, millennia.

Minutes.

So when you were chefs.

And it says like international chef, master chef, pastry chef, all kinds of shit on it.

40, 40, 40 years.

All right?

40 years.

40 years.

The best is

40 years, and I'm proud.

Fancy chef is posting.

Sometimes he'll upload the same video three or four times.

So he's a private chef?

He doesn't have a restaurant nowhere.

Oh, no, no, no.

He'll also, if you scroll down,

like

he does a lot of posts of just like,

there's a lot of champagne flutes.

There's a lot of strawberries.

He loves strawberries.

Like, I don't know if that's strawberries on the...

Yeah, he.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

I see what's going on here.

Oh, sorry.

Don't.

That's got music.

Don't stow through that one.

He'll.

Because see, because you got to know, like, you have to realize, like,

in the 70s,

black people didn't get diagnosed with autism.

Interesting.

So this is the result of, like, him just overcoming.

Right.

And, like, making it to the he was in the kitchen.

He probably wasn't cooking.

You know what I mean?

He was like moving stuff or sniffing stuff, yeah.

But he's been in the kitchen for 40 years, and now,

like, because he's the food,

the food don't look gourmet, no, right?

No, but it don't look like about and he has also has a series of demands, like you know, I mean, because you have you, have you no, no, I haven't, but he like I also watched where he's like, book me, you need to book me,

oh, this one, okay, where you located, he's like, book me, I'm located in Atlanta, Georgia.

Okay, I'm all booked up.

All right,

that's my favorite one.

Dope.

Okay, bro.

Take back everything I said.

This is performance art.

That's

about 12 people this evening.

Okay, where are you located?

I'm located in Atlanta, Georgia.

Okay, I'm all booked up.

So

here's the thing.

It is either the greatest fucking performance art troll of all time.

Like of all time.

He's a comic.

It's fantastic if it were that.

I don't know that it is, but I'd like to believe it is because it is amazing.

Yeah, he's like,

first of all, where are you?

Oh, now I'm booked up.

I'm booked up.

And that's after multiple posts.

This is also like, that's store-bought cake.

Okay.

He just got a cake from the grocery store and was like, check this shit out, man.

It puts berries on it.

Oh, man.

So now, hold on, I got to.

I'm going to follow this nigga.

Oh, he's the best, dude.

This is great.

This is entertaining.

This is him like at the mall in his chef attire.

This is fancy.

His name's Fancy?

Fancy Chef underscore

King Crab.

Look at at him.

He's at the mall right now in his outfit.

Crab cakes,

French food, Spanish food.

It doesn't matter.

I'm going to get it done.

He wears the chef thing everywhere?

Yeah, he's just out in public in that.

Give me a call.

Don't hesitate and don't wait.

I go on deep dives with this guy sometimes for hours.

You can ask Zolo.

I send him about 40 videos tonight.

It's Fancy Chef 2013.

Yeah, Fancy underscore Chef underscore 2013.

But what's the 2013 for?

I have no idea.

Also, the food that he posts, like

that's something coconut oil.

What is that?

What is the one right next to it?

Oh, no, it's fabulous.

Swim it.

Oh.

Look at that.

That's a masterpiece created by me, the master chef.

I don't know what that is.

The gourmet fancy chef.

Is that thyme on top of it?

Or minsticks?

And an ice cream cone?

What a masterpiece by me.

That's a masterpiece.

I would actually try that probably.

Like, if you, if you show,

is that barbecue sauce?

I don't know.

On a cheesecake, all right.

He loves glasses,

he loves strawberries.

I wonder how many Michelin stars he has.

I think he says that he's like a 10-star Michelin.

Yeah, I'm serious.

By the way, those are the same video over and over and over.

Here's a house I told Jacob.

He's buying cologne today.

Here's a house patojabon.

Okay, that's cool and and he posted that 14 times yeah wow

see that's the same video see i can't

i feel like this is this dude is he's either fucking with me that's a store-bought cake also by the way that is a store-bought cake he's like look at this beautiful cake it's straight from fucking ralph's wait ton how you know he didn't make that I know he didn't make that, dude.

He's never shown he only thing he'll ever show you is dropping pineapple into a cup.

He's never shown you actually

This is him by the way walking through businesses.

He's just walking through a restaurant.

So no permission?

No people don't realize who it is yet.

He's they're like oh it's a chef I guess do you cook?

Yeah, I cook but I'm not a chef by any way shape or form

No, I've cooked I've done the food service stuff I know my way around the kitchen.

Oh, you know you wear away this kitchen.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, he's just going through like I'm the chef here.

He doesn't work there dude.

Now I'm full-on addicted.

Right.

And here's the other side

of maybe, is this a performance art or maybe it's a deep-level autism?

Is that he has like seven phone numbers.

And sometimes he's like, book me, 503-27-797.

And he gives you like five phone numbers.

What is that?

What is he cooking right there?

What is that?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

What the fuck is that?

This old man, this man went to the ice cream truck.

If it ain't fancy and fabulous, then it ain't me.

Listen to me.

Look at that dessert.

Listen to me, real quick.

How could you go wrong?

Look at it, look at it.

Look at the elements.

Look at the key capoons I put in it.

You got watermelon, right?

Okay.

You got my muffin cake, right?

You got peanut butter.

Then you got my, you got the ice cream.

Hold up.

Hold up.

Let's not.

Hold up.

You telling me that's not particular life?

That's a bomb in your mouth.

That's an explosion waiting to happen.

That's a bomb.

An exclusive bomb by me to shot.

And see, here's the other thing.

He's saying this shit with extreme confidence, right?

But like you said, I haven't actually seen him make anything.

I mean, he's shown a few things that you're like, oh, boy.

No, but it's like, you know how, like, because the chefs, a lot of the chefs I follow,

they'll like show you from scratch and they do the quick cuts where they're chopping shit.

They're mixing shit.

Add this, add that.

I haven't seen him actually make nothing.

There's one where he made burgers that I wish.

But just a plate of strawberries.

Yeah, dude.

I'm telling you, he's the king of strawberries.

And again, another, another thing from the ice cream truck.

Mm-hmm.

Well, okay, so this

it's either the greatest performance of all time or he's like

he's one of those functional retarded people.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, 100%.

He's just

enough where he can live on his own.

Now, here's an interesting thing because we skipped over it.

His daughter made an appearance in one of these.

And she got, he got kids.

And she's like 10 or something.

She's like, my dad made this.

I'm going to try it.

And she's like, hmm, this is really good.

Like a sweet, nice girl.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it makes you, I want to know, I want to see the mother.

I'm like, what type of bitch let this dude?

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I do.

Hold on.

Oh, he also loves crab legs.

I don't know if there's any right there, but he does crab legs sometimes.

No.

And there is a, man, the time that he made burger.

Like I said, the reason the food, you know, the reason the food doesn't look half bad is because he buys shit from your store.

Far left, far left.

That's a store-bought cake.

That's a store-bought cake, dude.

No, Tom, I think all this shit is bought.

Yeah, and that's a different phone number.

So he's just

look at the first comment.

He bought that cake.

Is he replying to people?

Sometimes, not often.

There's There's his daughter.

See, she's right by.

He was just showing you.

Yeah.

See if you can scroll down.

I bet you if you, if you locked him.

No, see, he went somewhere and bought all that stuff.

I bet if you locked him in a kitchen with raw ingredients,

and he had to come face to face with the fact that he wasn't actually a chef, it would break him.

Oh, his, yeah, he would crumble.

Absolutely.

There's one where burgers are on a griddle that is horrifying.

I don't know.

Look at that.

That's more fruit.

Go by the way.

Click on that.

Go up a little bit more.

Click on.

No, no.

Click on that.

No, no, no.

Up right there at the top left with the chicken, the raw chicken.

Let me see that.

Pay attention.

He's actually making something.

I actually like to use fresh garlic.

That's a crazy amount.

He's adding the flour to the chicken while it's in the chicken.

I should like to use fresh garlic.

Fresh garlic.

I don't know.

Is that garlic powder?

That's going to be intense.

Go to the next video.

Let's see the results.

He's still adding shit.

Oh, man.

See how it's always booked me?

It's booked me.

Book me now.

Book me.

Give me a call.

But what's bothering me is like

it's not sizzling or nothing.

No, I know.

I actually like to use fresh garlic.

Is that in a slow cooker?

Pay attention.

I think that's what we call him.

He's not a chef.

keep scrolling down.

I know he posts, he's one of those people that posts like fucking 45 times a day, but yeah, and he's like, I got nothing to post.

I'll post what I posted yesterday.

It's fruit.

There's fruit, fruit in a bowl, fruit in a cup, fruit on a cake, fruit in a champagne flute.

I think I want to make a combination of him walking through other people's restaurants.

Oh, it's the best.

Wait, wait, wait.

Go back up.

Are those the burger?

No.

Man, his burger one is so crazy.

Okay, that's store-bought smoked sausage.

More fruit in a glass.

There's fucking blueberries in a glass right there.

There is.

Those are burgers.

$1,000 burgers and better.

Look at that.

You know why I'm going to add caviar to them?

That raises

the value of them.

He added caviar to the burgers.

Look at them.

Beautiful.

Those look like meatballs.

I'm going to put caviar on them.

It looks like he's cooking them on a marble slab, but that's just a dirty

dragons and better.

Man, This is this is fascinating.

It is fascinating.

That's why I've been

obsessed with this man.

And this is, he's in Miami, it says.

Look at that.

Look at this.

Look at this.

Look at this.

Oh, there.

That's crap.

Hey, can we view that hidden comment?

You amaze me.

Look at that.

You get that from the grocery store.

I got a mean

white mom butter garlic sports here.

Can we try calling him real quick?

Oh, man.

To say what?

Let's just see if he's available.

What do I open?

Skype?

Yeah, Skype or FaceTime.

Let's see.

It says

sign in.

Hold on.

Yeah, this was only two weeks ago, so that number should be good.

Sign in, email.

I can also grab the studio phone.

You just put it up to the.

Oh, yeah, perfect.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's just see if he answers.

Just call him from your room.

No, don't do that.

Because I just feel like he's going to be.

I wonder how much it would cost to book him.

I know.

I don't.

How many people should I ask to book for?

Just a dinner party?

Yeah, like 10.

10 people?

Yeah.

Okay.

Me, you, Christina, Joe.

Yeah.

His wife.

Austin.

Hey, can you come to Austin?

He also, sometimes he's like, you pay Air Force, you pay hotel.

He just posted a video.

He's like, you have to have the shit to cook with.

You better get good pans.

Oh, you got to have the.

Wow, dude.

Yeah.

You got to have the seasonings.

Yeah.

Right.

All right.

Just try this one.

Is that the number?

Yeah.

All right.

Here we we go.

Let's see if he answers.

Book.

It says book fanny?

I think he means fancy.

Oh, book fancy.

Oh, okay.

Got you.

Right now he's like, you should buy this from me.

Well, yeah, his screen name is Fancy Chef.

His name on the thing is Fabulous Chef.

And then he keeps calling himself MasterChef.

He's like, you get one superlative, bro.

Yeah, exactly, right?

Yeah, he's not going to answer.

He's all booked up, man.

God, we got to get him here, dude.

This man is literally...

By the way, if we do get a hold of him,

and you can tell him that we will pay the fee, the airfare, the hotel, and we'll set it all.

Yeah.

Will you eat his food if he cooks for you?

Fuck no, but no, absolutely not.

No, but I'll like, you know, I'll promote it.

I mean, look, I would eat, I would have to.

I would try it.

I would have to know what grocery store he got it from because I would eat grocery.

I eat, you know.

Yeah.

He might just go get like a rotisserie chicken from the store and be like, here's the chicken.

I think that's what he's doing here.

He's buying food, already made food, and he's making it look like he just cooked it.

What is he doing with that pot right there?

Is that just showing you a pot?

He's just showing you an empty pot.

Like, hey, this is a beautiful pot.

You should get one of these.

Is that top-notch?

Yeah, that's a nice one.

That's very nice.

Okay.

This dude was injured.

He like, this is some kind of settlement.

He was injured.

It made him a little retarded.

He was injured in some kind of...

And he took a fascination with the chef world.

Yeah.

Yeah.

yeah, like

this is very, very, it's very heavy.

It holds heat.

All right, it holds heat.

Yeah, this is cast iron enamel.

This is very heavy.

Oh, he knows that.

When the millage time comes, you will get this.

You will get this.

This will be on sale.

It'll be cheaper than it is now.

You absolutely want this.

This pen right here.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, wait a minute.

This man is in a store.

Yeah.

This is the most fascinating shit I've ever seen.

And the chef likes stuff like this.

The chef wants you to have this.

See when I can look at it.

Bro, you know what this is?

This is the chef equivalent of like

when your mother makes you let your cousin or your little brother play, but you don't plug the control in, you just give him one.

Yeah.

Like, that's what his family has to be doing with him.

Anyway, this is the best find of the year.

Fancy Chef is the best find of the year.

Yeah, this is crazy.

And we have to book Fancy Chef.

Even, by the way, you can even offer him, if you get in touch with him, that we want just an interview and we'll pay him to interview.

We'll get him in here.

I wonder if he takes crypto.

He will probably have the craziest list of demands.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It's going to be real crazy.

Just walks in the room with his dick and a flute and a rhyme flute and berries on it.

Here's my dick and a flute.

Oh, shit.

I put, look at this beautiful, beautiful strawberries on my dick, beautiful berries on my dick.

Man,

that is the most bizarre thing I've seen in a long time.

That's incredible.

And I watched a whole

midget bad midden match yesterday.

Really?

Yeah.

How was that?

The Olympics.

It was incredible.

Oh, in the Paralympics?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, they was getting down, bro.

You don't realize some of these motherfuckers are real athletes.

Well, yeah, because they're just compacts.

Yeah.

You know, and I'm talking like diving saves and all types of shit.

No shit.

Is it one-on-one or two-on-two?

Well, it's half on half.

Half on half.

Yeah.

No, no, it was one-on-one.

Yeah.

It is.

Yeah, it was great.

Do you like college football, by the way?

I mean, not really.

I don't follow it, but I like, I watched, I watch the competitive shit.

I watched the Colorado thing.

I got to do that.

That's like my black duty.

It is a black duty, isn't it?

It kind of is, yeah.

I support Deion,

Coach Prime.

Coach Prime?

But other than that, I don't really follow it.

Is that so funny that

it's like a cultural thing now to follow?

Oh, yeah.

Like, that's the the only reason i tuned into the the women's championship with the angel reeds caitlin clock thing i'm like what's my racial duty yeah yeah i gotta watch tune in yeah all of america when prime got that job was like yeah every black person everybody went to the racial lines you know some people don't but most people do and they don't want to admit it well white people don't like to admit this stuff is racial right but yeah it was it was kind of

yeah have you have you ever seen a colorado buffaloes game before two years ago i mean i have but i love color yeah but i i haven't yeah nor would i yeah right so it's like and I'm watching, I watch him now.

I'm a big fan of his, though.

I mean, everybody loves Deion.

I mean, I got to do a podcast with him.

Really?

Yeah, a couple of years ago when he was coaching at Jackson State.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It was awesome.

If Deion says it's going to be dope, he's never lying.

No, no.

So it's awesome.

I got to go to the Alabama game over the weekend.

Really?

Yeah, because we had a show in Tuscaloosa.

Did you walk out?

the tunnel with the team shit.

I didn't walk out the tunnel, but I got the field pass.

I got field access.

Oh, wow.

So I got to stay on the sidelines.

Did you have to pay for that or is it just like a celebrity thing?

No, I got hooked up with it.

Oh, it worked.

It was unbelievable dude like

college sports is a whole level another level people who don't i i i try to tell people too that are nfl diehards like i get it nfl is it's the best football players for sure there's no question about it it's the best you know those are the best players but the atmosphere of college ball is just yeah it's unparalleled it's unmatched because you gotta people have to understand like that's the same age that they like trick people into the military.

Yeah.

So it's like, it's easy to make you be enthused about nothing.

You know what I mean?

Pageantry, though.

Yeah.

You know, there was a hundred thousand plus people going fucking crazy in a beautiful, I mean, beautiful stadium.

And it's what you expect.

I very briefly went to Oregon State.

Yeah.

And I remember going through all the Beavers.

Yeah, the Beavers, yeah.

And I remember they were literally playing a rival.

They were playing Washington.

And I, and I, and I flamangle my way into the game.

I'm sitting in front of the band.

Yeah.

Right.

They score.

The Beavers score a touchdown right in front of us, and the band gets lit.

And I'm right there lit with them.

And everybody around me is just sitting there like nothing.

Yeah.

And I was like, fuck this school.

Like, yeah, because I guess that school isn't a big sports play.

It's more like the nerds where the nerds go.

But it was like, no, it was none of what I expected.

It was, it was only my only college experience experience.

And it was just not, it wasn't that.

It wasn't that.

We should go to a, would you go to a UT game?

Of course, yeah.

We should go to a UT game.

Yeah, I'll go to a UT UT game.

I would love to go check.

I haven't been to one.

And they're great now.

They got Archie Manning now.

I was supposed to go a couple of years ago, and it was like, it's always tough because we work Saturdays usually.

Right.

But we could find one.

And it's tough because here's the thing.

If you don't support your local college teams, then you just end up mad every time.

Because then they're just traffic to you.

Right.

You know?

If you don't participate, then you just get to be a bad person.

Participate is exciting.

You're right.

Yeah.

And you want to get actually the best part of sports is if you can actually get yourself to get emotionally attached because then you get the, you get the ups and the downs.

See, I emotionally detached.

I was a Washington Redskins fan.

Oh, yeah.

And I had Sean Taylor died, and that fucked me up for a little while.

Then we got RG3, and it was like, oh, shit, like his rookie season.

Maybe finally help.

And then they ruined that.

And then we found out that the owner was like,

you know, prostituting the cheerleaders and like selling us expired peanuts and all this other shit.

It just, it fucked me up.

He was like,

it's pretty well documented.

He was like the least likable, biggest piece of shit type of owner.

Yeah, I think he was the most hated owner.

That was Dan Snyder.

In Pro Sports, Dan Snyder.

And now he's not the owner, right?

No, they sold the team to,

I forget the guy's name.

He was forced to sell the team.

Yeah, everybody hated him.

Well,

if he didn't sell, like, the lawsuit they won, if he didn't sell the team, he was going to have to open up the books.

It's also shitty that you can tell there's owners who actually don't give a fuck about winning.

For them, it's just like another business transaction.

So they're like, okay, there's TV rights money.

Are tickets selling to the game?

Merchandise.

Like, they just look at it as like the, you know, the columns, like plus and losses.

And you know what I mean?

And they just go like, oh, we're doing transactions.

That's all I care.

I care that this is a business that earns revenue, but they don't care about winning.

That sucks.

Their goal is to, some of them, they want to fool the fans into thinking that this is the year so that you'll buy shit.

yeah of course and then they don't he's one of those guys like doesn't care about winning which sucks no not at all you got to have like owners that are he'll sign up he'll sign a big name to get you excited yeah i mean he signed deion when the toe was gone yeah yeah you know i mean adam archoletta albert hainsworth hainsworth lunatic yeah if you list like the top 20 worst free agency sign-ins the the the Washington has like three of them yeah yeah that's true because he always he signed people at the tail ends of their career give them big money money.

Yeah, just big names.

Just big names to sell tickets.

Yeah.

Not to actually.

He would sign Peyton Manning right now.

Yeah.

Just because a lot of the fan base is dumb enough to be like, oh, shit.

We got Peyton.

We're coming back.

Yeah.

What is this?

How do you eat your shit?

Whoa, what?

No, God.

No.

He didn't really do that.

Guys, come on.

I can't do fluids.

Yeah, that's a gross.

What is this story, though?

What is this?

This was one of the ones you sent me.

So I think he's like trying to show that he eats his shit, but he cuts to black because he can't really show it.

Oh, right.

I don't know if he's actually really doing it, but it's a cool video.

There's no way he's doing it.

There's no way he's enjoying it.

It didn't look like he was enjoying it.

Why does he do it?

Is this a fetish or is this a dare or what?

Usually the fetish people smile more.

You know, they get really.

Well, usually the fetish people want other people's shit yeah

what's what's going on here this dude is

was this on the gram yeah

yeah so he gave some more info in this okay so this is me a while back when in fact i ate my own

and this is how it looks i edited out the actual this is the first video what i hope to be many more eating your own isn't something you just do for fun it was necessary for me to do at the moment anyway follow me for more content uh as said i'd love to tell you the backstory about this incident i promise it almost out of this world, but batshit crazy.

No, I'm reporting this account.

This is racism and anti-Semitism and homophobia.

Arv

Videla, I don't know what the fuck's going on.

This is how you do it.

And that's all he has on it.

I got two posts.

Yeah.

And they're the same.

He's probably dead.

Yeah, he probably did.

He's a sick man.

Yeah, bro.

Like, because this is so crazy.

This is a wild thing to do for a title.

Like, this ain't going to get you no bitches or nothing.

Nothing.

Like, no no fancy

run yeah this is wild 400 followers that's too many too many for him yeah i just reported him he's gross i don't want i want him to be deported yeah

i don't like this at all this man is

shit eaters are the worst dude yeah dog like hey you know i'm saying give me fancy chef all day all day Yeah, all day.

I would rather eat Fancy Chef's food than watch him eat anything.

I totally agree, actually.

I totally agree.

I would like a documentary on Fancy chef um

yeah when we when we do the heavy segment the eating videos are the ones that i could not tolerate yeah i can't do it i can't do the excrement bro no oh my god let's transition to this because we have people have questions just imagine all right here you go I have an important question I'd like to ask you guys regarding dirty talk in the bedroom.

Oh, advice champ.

I currently have a friend with benefit situation with a guy whom I've known for a few months now.

I enjoy doing the dirty thing with him.

He goes down, plays with my milk jugs, respects my wishes, doesn't blow loads on my face.

But one thing about the sex irks me.

He talks dirty in the worst possible way.

Not only is his voice dopey and annoying, he uses a porn-esque tone and says the weirdest shit.

Like, damn, you're so good at head.

You must have done this a lot before, you little slut.

I don't know how to address this.

I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I don't know if I can give up that good D, but it's awful to hear and makes me want to exchange him for a cool guy.

Please help.

Love you guys.

Kaylee.

I mean,

you can't have it all, Kaylee.

That's kind of...

Yeah, good dick is hard to find.

You're complaining about nothing.

That dirty talk sounds decent.

Because here's what's going to happen.

If she brings it up and you go, I don't mean to hurt your feelings.

the performance is going to change.

He's going to get in his head

and you're not going to get the D you were getting.

Right.

All you got to do is just tell him what you want him to say, but don't tell him that you got a problem with what he's saying already.

You know what it's like?

It's like when you're watching football and one of the guys has to talk a lot of shit to play his game.

And you're like, why is this guy boast so much?

Like, why is he so cocky?

You're like, that's how he plays.

Right.

You got to accept it.

See, this is the problem with some of these hoes.

See, what's your name, Kaylee?

You're the type of bitch that...

That will have 90% of what you want and be miserable because it's not 100.

You know what I mean?

You're the type of bitch that you invite 100 people to your birthday party, 80 of them show up, and instead of having a good time with your 80 friends, you're like, where are the other 20 people?

Yeah, exactly.

It ain't going to be perfect.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Because if the thing is, you say, if he fucking you good and it's enough

where you enjoying the sex, then you have to deal with that little piece that you don't like.

Yeah.

Just just

do what you've been doing.

Ignore it.

Because I guarantee you, listen, the YMH forums is full of mad niggas that will talk dirty to you perfectly and fuck you badly.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Jeans low and loose like a motherfucker.

You know what I mean?

I think that's you're spot on.

You just, Kaylee, you just have to accept that there's one part of this thing that you're not into.

Right.

But you're liking the other stuff.

Just roll with it.

That's the thing.

You could be dating this motherfucker.

You know what I'm saying?

He's a shit-eating guy.

He's like perfectly saying what you want him to say.

Yeah, just enjoy the dick.

It sounds like it's not going to be long-term anyway.

Just get the the dick and

you'll have a good story to tell later.

You know,

in 20 years, you're going to be at a campfire with your other divorced friends.

You're going to be like, oh, girl, this one time, this dude, he fucked me good, but he used to say the weirdest shit.

You have a good story to tell.

This is a story.

Exactly.

This isn't your future husband.

Right.

It's just a guy you're fucking for right now.

Here's another one that came in.

It says,

I just got, dear mommies, I just got engaged.

I've never been happier.

Although there is an issue I have.

My fiancé and I are not making as many premarital loves as we used to.

We really are a match made in Fed Smokers Fun van.

We had an amazing sex life.

Example, one night after 18 months of dating, she had casually asked if I would lick her scrum.

For the record, I ate that booty many times and we've both become huge fans.

But now for the issue at hand, the thing is, my future bride has been way more hesitant to engage in having sex the last few months.

I know it's because her mother had recently been giving her shit about her weight.

My fiancé used to be a cheerleader in college, and naturally, at 30, she is not in the same shape she used to be.

Lately, instead of the early days of jumping into bed whenever we felt excited, she now has an entire build-up and preparation ritual to our marital love situations.

How do I get her to be more spontaneous like she used to be?

I want her to feel sexy.

I never have the lingering idea that her weight makes her less sexy in my eyes.

She makes my jeans the highest and tightest, and I would love, I would just be another cool guy on TikTok if it wasn't for her, for her.

I need your help.

Much love, Campbell.

Give her compliments, nigga.

It's not like, like, if you want her to feel sexy, like, convince her.

Tell me her sexy.

Yeah, tell her she's sexy all the time.

Every time you see her, every time you think it.

That's all I can think of.

And also, hey, look, push, come to shove, you're going to have to grab her mother by the throat.

Hey, bitch.

You're going to stop.

Fucking with her self-esteem.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Because it's fucking with our sex life.

Exactly.

You know what I mean?

Like, if I was you, like, you just going to have to deal with the fact that you're not gonna be cool with her mom but i would just shit on her mother anytime her mother says some shit to her i would fucking i would roast her mother to no end put it point out how ugly her mom is to her yeah how fat she is and gross she is yeah fuck her stupid ass mom i would i would seriously i would hurt her unless her dad's scary but but brian's right i mean you do that just have to compliment the shit out of her yeah compliment her defend her Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

Tell her how beautiful she looks.

Yeah, and then and then here's another thing too.

I think you should like make sure you like touch them areas she insecure about.

Like when you fucking grab that stomach, hold on to that motherfucker.

Yeah, I love it.

I love this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, like, don't be repulsed by any of it.

Like, her whole body.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why not?

That's the fucking best advice.

Yeah.

He's the advice champ for a reason.

There you go, Campbell.

You know what to do.

Here is a video.

There's a few here.

You just tell me whether this is horrible or hilarious.

Oh, that's perfect.

That was perfect, right?

I love seeing somebody fall down the stairs.

I don't know why.

Right.

And we avoided brain damage.

It was just a fun fall.

Well, his dumbass was trying to save his drink, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It would have been cool if he had saved the drink.

Boy, that was real close.

And you know, this video continues, by the way.

Can you imagine if he got killed by a liquid death?

He had a liquid death in his hand.

If he had landed like this.

And it just snaps his own neck.

Oh, man.

This is when you walk away fast, too, when you're so humiliated.

You're like, all right.

And you just keep walking.

Yeah, like like it doesn't even hurt right then it's gonna hurt later like 10 steps later the adrenaline is spiking right now

oh no

somebody's lighting something

up there bro okay i don't even know what's

oh my god dude

see

see go back to the beginning of the video see when the video starts it's on this other guy right i'm thinking i think he's lighting something that's what i thought like he was lighting that other guy's lighting something, like a firecracker, but I think there's one in here.

Maybe they have a few of them.

Oh my god, what are you holy shit?

What'd he put in there?

A fucking M80?

Fireworks?

I don't know what kind.

Dude, that blew that thing and was wild.

It's like his feet wasn't even situated in a way where it was going.

You know, like he, I think he basically like ripped, he tore his fucking Achilles right there.

That was bad.

They were like too low.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ, man.

That was it.

You deserved every fucking bit of that.

That was

That was so much bigger than I thought it was going to be.

You know what I love about some of these videos?

Like, my favorite YMH videos are the ones where

I get to judge the person in such a way where I don't have to be concerned about them.

Yeah.

So then I get to be like, I get to enjoy it.

Yeah.

I know they deserve it.

They deserve it.

Exactly.

They did this shit to amuse them.

They're like, oh, this will be fun.

Like the guy getting crushed by the car.

That's funny because I'm like, you shouldn't have been standing right there.

You shouldn't be standing.

Yeah.

This guy put fireworks in the dryer on purpose and was like, I'll put my legs up against it it'll be funny that's wild nigga now you're gonna be hanging your new legs outside the dryer

oh this is gonna suck

on a rock climbing wall okay

okay

you heard the crunch i think somebody added that crunch crunch in.

My God, Tom.

Yeah.

It feels like the universe wants you to bang this woman.

I know.

Her arm is bent the same way yours was.

It's the same.

Have y'all did a side-by-side with this video?

We haven't, but that's a great idea.

Yeah,

you should do a nice mashup and then do hearts over it.

Oh, shit.

Jesus.

Oh,

shit.

Damn.

And here's the crazy thing.

That's not that fall, that far of a fall.

You know what I mean?

Like, that's not.

I like how you got it frozen on that frame.

It's, but she fell, like,

how far is that, you think?

Um, I'm gonna say that's probably 10 feet.

Yo, you think, okay, well.

Oh,

shit, bitch.

Ah, that's shit.

I can't even imagine it.

That sucks.

Because how do you, what I don't get is how do you,

this is why it's important to teach your kids how to fall.

Like when you fall on shit, because you shouldn't get hurt like this.

Yeah.

No.

Because

why did you put your arm behind?

It's so fast.

It's your instinct.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got to land on the shoulder, baby.

Yeah, that's.

God damn, bitch.

Oh, man.

Yeah, that sucked a lot.

Man, because you know, like, your shit ain't like that.

That's more than just a cast.

That's going to be like a year and a half of recovery.

Oh, yeah.

Therapy.

That's that.

You know what I'm saying?

Except nerve damage.

Yeah.

Yeah, I bet you her.

She's not feeling sexy either, man.

She's going to have to go see an orthopedic, maybe, like this guy.

And her mouth is open.

Oh my god.

Boggy eat.

Oh my god, what the fuck?

Thanks, Doc.

What the fuck?

Just, you know, you go to the doctor and you're like, my leg hurts.

Can we get a translation for that?

What does that say?

Here it is.

The writing translates to, for those who have broken bones cases, this is the most effective treatment.

They wrote that.

Oh, my God, bro.

I bet you him and the chef are in the same club.

You think so?

He's like,

we all make-believe experts.

In this village, they're like, who do we go see if we have a bone injury?

It's like the League of Ordinary Gentlemen.

Gary, go see Gary, man.

I almost want to take those screams and remix them.

The tone was...

Yeah.

That is excruciating.

But yeah, bro, he did not fix that lid.

Nah.

There's no way.

The only thing is he's got, I got new pain.

I don't know what the old pain doesn't feel like.

I don't feel that anymore.

I got some some new pain.

You just made it a thousand.

You just shattered whatever was.

Fuck.

He just hammered that shit with like a literal mallet, like a metal mallet.

No anesthesia.

No.

And what is he doing right now?

Is he sucking out the poison?

What is he doing?

I don't know, dude.

He's just checking it.

He's like,

what country is this?

I wish I knew.

That's not India.

No, that's...

Singapore?

I don't know.

No.

I don't know where that is.

Indonesia.

Oh, Indonesia.

Okay, Okay, right.

Definitely.

But tell me, don't they got

universal health care over there?

Yeah, but why go to the fucking mainstream medical place?

You can go see this guy.

Right.

You know?

It was like hammer time.

You can't show up at my house.

No.

My God, lady.

One more time.

Yeah, here we go.

You got it?

I got you, bro.

Right here.

She was harmonized until that last couple of hits.

He's listening for fra what

put my ear up to it.

Bro, you know what, man?

I guess

I don't understand how these con men thrive.

Yeah.

But I guess it's more fools than

I don't know, man.

I don't know how you let a motherfucker do that to you.

Yeah.

No.

No, I would never.

And the whole family they're participating.

Yeah.

And they have no expression, by the way.

You notice that?

When they're holding him down, they're like.

Yeah.

He probably told him, like, oh, that's a demon.

That's a demon in your knee.

Yeah.

I'm going to get this demon out of here.

I got to exercise this bitch's calf.

Oh, shit.

Like, she went to a real doctor, and he was like, you need to get more exercise.

I was like, oh, yeah, no, I'm going to do it.

I do exorcisms.

All right, hold on.

I gotta, I gotta take a quick leak.

We gotta take a break real quick.

And we are back.

I had to pee, it was awesome.

Um,

here's another.

I helped.

You did help.

It was thank you for that.

Therefore, support.

Uh, here's a cool guy.

This guy's pretty cool.

Oh, fuck.

This one's gonna suck.

You can do anything you put your mind to, and I can think I can do this.

No, no, guy,

no, guy.

Oh,

man.

This is so bad for you, bro.

Bitches.

Yeah, that guy works hard.

You can tell, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

Works in his hours.

Yeah, he definitely don't get good sleep, you know.

That was the whole, basically the whole bottle.

Yeah, man,

that's.

like what's that's going to do to his body?

Do we got any follow-ups with this?

I don't think we don't have any more information.

Yeah, bro, you just gave yourself alcohol poisoning.

Yeah, that was crown royal in under 10 seconds, an entire.

That was a fifth crown.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

It makes my stomach turn.

I mean, but it also looks like where, it looks like where he is.

Yeah.

Like women are impressed by that.

Just by like the yard.

It's like, I just love a man with oil on his shirt

and fatty liver disease yeah and a couple broken down vehicles in the yard that he's tinkering with right right i do a lot of tinkering these things will be up and running in no time

he immediately started talking to the bitches right when he was done yeah he's like

yeah this thing is it's incredible um

hey dude i know that made that actually makes my stomach jump i'm like oh yeah i'd be his friend

Trans women getting pregnant is not as far off as you'd think.

In the past 10 years, 50 babies have been born from a uterus transplant.

How this works is a person with a damaged or missing uterus gets a new uterus, then they get pregnant, then they give birth to a child via C-section.

The implanted uterus is then removed so that the person doesn't need to be on anti-rejection meds for the rest of their life.

So far, these implants have only been attempted on cis women, but there's nothing that says it couldn't work on a trans woman.

but you could just you could just you could just pay your bitch to carry your baby yeah but i guess they want the full experience you know after all my hormone levels are pretty similar to a cisgender woman so why not the main thing in the way is that the science is new so there aren't enough surgeries

to the testing so it's less about if we can do it and more about when we can do it i think it's more about if you should do it yeah i mean also

look i i'm not a doctor but it feels like putting a uterus into a biological male's body is gonna have all types of disruptions you you know i think because i don't look do whatever you want to do with your body yeah right but what i don't understand is because

because i the the trans influencers

They always

if like if you're gonna go through all the transition of like transitioning from a man to a woman, right?

Straight downgrade.

Why would you, why do you, why do you want all the worst parts of being a woman?

I never see them show off like all the upsides.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Get pregnant and can't get a chance to get C-section.

Like no,

none of the biological men want that.

No, no woman's like, I'm so excited about more C-sections.

Right.

No, of course.

Oh, a new uterus?

Oh.

I know.

It's like,

this person just wants to suffer.

Yeah, and listen, and this has nothing to do with this person being trans.

I'm just irritated by this woman.

Yeah.

She seems like an irritating person.

Well, let me show you something else about her because this will make you fucking not like her more.

Looks like he's having a nice peaceful.

But it was not all good.

Hi.

Why are she, her pronouns?

I'm not sir.

Yeah, like it, it's like a knife in the heart.

I also did specifically ask ahead of time not to be called sir.

Yeah, I'm just gonna go

start.

Okay, not I mean, I'm so sorry, I apologize.

It's just always like a knife.

It always hurts every single time.

I was wondering if there's a manager I could talk to about something that happened.

Yeah, I was called sir.

Oh, okay.

It just really sucks every time it happens.

Sorry about that.

I don't need to be called ma'am.

She's an annoying person.

I'm so not expected to be called sir that I always have my camera set up.

Set up.

For entire meals, just in case somebody

mistakenly calls me, sir.

Yeah, but because listen,

here's the God honest truth.

Like I said, I so support the, you know, if you want to transition or whatever.

But again, it's called a transition.

So, you know, like some of y'all ain't, like, it's a loading bar.

Some of y'all ain't in 100%.

Right.

Right.

You know what I mean?

And so it's like, you can't get, if you halfway through the transition, you can't get upset when people go,

you know, make a mistake.

You know what I mean?

Right.

Because you see some trans women and you're like, I had no idea.

Because they could.

Yeah, because you know what it is, man?

It's like, this shit makes people think that all trans people are this annoying.

Yes.

And that's not.

Like, I have trans friends where it's like,

and, you know, when they was first transitioning, I was like, I would fuck up and say the wrong thing.

And, and, and, and my friend was like, don't worry about it.

It took me 30 years to know That's cool.

So I don't expect you to get it right immediately, you know what I mean?

Sure, and so it's like to like do this is fucking stupid.

Yeah, well, and it's um, it's just bait.

It's you're just baiting people.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

Like, she knows that she wants to be able to complain.

Exactly.

And she also knows that, like you were saying, she's in the process of this.

And

she's obviously saying that because she knows that people are misgendering all the time because she has.

She's like, I only set up my camera when I got stubble.

Right.

When I got a five o'clock shot.

She also has masculine features.

Like, it's just the way it is.

So, like, you know, I don't know, shave your chin off.

Do the work.

It's actually, sir.

Yeah.

Fucking get up.

It's actually not, sir.

And finally, you know that we love RPC here, right?

Who?

Robert Paul Champagne.

Oh, of course.

Yeah.

And we have an update.

I have RPC's goaded.

He's goaded for sure.

Hey, welcome.

Who is in the world?

Hey, welcome to the woods, man.

Yeah, man.

Real man, yeah.

Real man.

Welcome to the woods, man.

Come on, man.

Let's do some things in the woods.

You're not in the woods, Robert.

Hey, what do you gotta do?

You taboo.

Yeah, you gotta cut some heavy milking, man.

You wanna milk?

Yeah, you want to milk me, man.

Yeah, that's what you want to do.

Yeah, you want to milk me, man.

Come on, man.

Yeah.

He wants to be milked?

Yeah.

I think so.

Come on, man.

Robert, I gotta say, you know what?

I take back what I said about that lady.

He's more irritating than her.

I don't like this guy.

Oh, no.

I want to tell you, Robert, I think this is a fantastic new lane for you.

The green screen, first of all, he's never had this level green screen behind him.

We're like, oh, you know what I mean?

Did y'all gift him this?

I don't know how he did this.

How did he do this?

Is this like a just a filter?

Most of the apps can kind of do this now.

They can put a fake background on it.

But I mean, this is high level for him.

For him, yeah.

It's yeah, because this is because I remember, isn't he the the one that was like looking for

a black living

roommate, sex lease in a key.

Right, okay, right.

Free food, free rent.

He wants to be milked in the woods.

That's right, man.

Let's get down and get me.

Also, he made that hat.

Does it say fuck me on it?

This is like

somebody made a shitty clone of the macho man, Randy Savage.

Like, they didn't get the DNA right?

I mean,

it's, you know, he's doing his best.

I feel like, let's see.

Oh, there's

there is the macho man.

Oh, yeah, milk my titties.

Yeah.

I want black guys, Lisa Niki.

Actually, it's ma'am.

This is.

Robert, I love your venturing out into new background settings.

I think you should definitely keep exploring that.

The hat is fantastic.

I know you made it.

Yeah, we don't actually, we don't hate you.

No, no, not at all.

And I think men can lactate.

I think they can.

Yeah, they can actually have uterus transplants now.

I don't know if you heard.

You know, that's a new thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm very excited for that.

I hope that I hope that a bunch of men that are transitioning do that.

Colostomy bag.

Can you understand this, Master of Accents?

This is a Brit talking to a Brit, I believe.

Let's see, yeah, this guy works on Jeremy Clarkson's farm.

Let's see if you can make out what he's saying.

Oh, it's something not

obviously within water on the pump wall cotton now in the water from up here.

Now it ain't took out, right?

Now, right, Mainswater.

I'll tell you what, I don't know, not could have been bought, I'm not in corner where stables.

You could tell that he's like, oh, fuck.

What is he?

I don't know, is that never worked or anything?

You can blame where your bum pomp is?

I'm not into that.

He's not in it.

What I'm trying to say is, get no water, don't fall in that one trough.

She's had the pump and everything took out.

I had two of them glasses nearly every day after.

Okay, he says she's got no water and only one pump.

That's incredible.

Yeah, I picked up words, but not sentences.

Sounds like the Tasmanian devil trying to talk.

It's so great that that's, I think that guy works for him.

Who is this man?

Ain't that the dude from um top gear from the car show okay right yes and uh who's british and he's i think this is clearly another brit talk to and you could tell he's like i don't know what this motherfucker's yeah because like britain has like their version of like the deep south you're right yeah right yeah these are the people that you know boil everything yeah yeah go there you get boiled bacon boiled cabbage boiled it's like when we talk to someone from the bayou and you're like what

right but they have good food well they have good food but you can't understand some yeah this nah this dude yeah these are the british people that put beans on eggs and shit.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's something not I'm not obviously with the water on the pump wall cock now in the water from up here.

No, it ain't took out, right?

Yeah, right, mains water.

I'll tell you what, I don't know, not in the bin water.

I'm not in corner where stables.

You could tell that he's just like, I don't know what the fuck he says.

Yeah, so I'm about to pump being by the stable.

Yeah.

Pump being by the stable.

I don't know if that never worked anything.

You know what I mean?

Never worked.

Bump on this.

I'm not into that.

Not into that.

Not into that.

If you, what I'm trying to say is, get no water, don't fall in that one truck.

She's had the pump and everything took out.

I had two of them glass fills nearly every day.

So she had the pump and everything took out.

That's what he said.

Fuck, man.

Yeah.

But he has a hard time.

I hope you're not allergic to nothing.

No.

You know, he fucking around to be in the hospital.

Like, do you have any allergies?

They're like, can you get someone else in here?

He's like, I can't.

No saline.

That woman's going to die.

Like, he got to go to the hospital right in that town.

Yeah.

And then, yeah, exactly.

To the person that lives there, that treats there, that grew up there.

Oh, shit.

Fuck, man.

All right.

You're on the road.

You want to pull up?

Can you pull up BrianSimpsonComedy.com?

Oh, yeah.

I'm coming to Madison, Wisconsin, Philadelphia.

October, I'm going to be at the Wilbur Wilbur Theater there you go in Boston, and then I'm doing the next day in uh in New York City at the Bell House.

Oh, that's in Brooklyn, yes, in Brooklyn, yeah.

So, come through, get those tickets right now, there's still some tickets left.

See him, Philly, Boston, Brooklyn, Cleveland, get tickets, BrianSimpsoncomedy.com.

Yep, uh, always good to see you, my friend.

Likewise, thank you for coming today.

We'll see you guys next week.

I'm whispering a little bit because my woman is sleeping.

These are three-day worn panties, panties, panties.

Imagine fucking achieved.

A 19-year-old girl, girl.

Dark hairy asshole.

And uh, dark pussy,

teenage banties.

And I also paid extra for her not to wipe her pussy after this.

Cause I'm monopolizing her vagina, right,

right.

She mixed with piss, piss, next to a fucking teenage pussy goose.

Or the bum gold,

let's give it a whiff.

Direction achieved.

Oh,

direction achieved.

Direction fucking achieve it.

Oh, this is a good meal boner.

Oh, this is a good mealer.

Oh, that is pungent.

You can smell some shit with a pussy that was not wiped after messing.

Her panties have a very similar smell.

Pungent and nasty, nasty, nasty.

This is how it boys.

This is having boys.

I paid extra for the three days of wearing it.

I never tipped women.

I never tipped women.

Cause I felt like I was the tip.

Tip.

Let's give it away.

Image.

Image.

Oh,

direction achieved.

Imagine fucking achieved.

This is ticking me a donor.

Oh,

they do me a donor, donor, great, tapping, brain, donor.

You just watched your mom's house.

Did you like it?

Then Then watch another one.

Watch our clips.

I don't know.

Check it out.

Try it out.

If you didn't like it, look for other stuff.

Maybe in the next video, there's people getting hurt the way you like, or maybe gay dudes talking about dick stuff.

I don't know.

Try it out.

Maybe there's always something for everybody.

Just look in these cubes.

Squares, whatever.