Ancient Korean Wise Tales w/ Howie Mandel

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Ho hum.
Down in the bayou. We got legs that are tired.
Lights that flicker in the night. Ho hum.
My old black legs are skimming through the sand with my weepy eyes And my sour soul And I'm coming around What's up? That was improvised Oh hum Oh yeah? You know the oh hum? As you trek through the woods With your bow Yeah dude Oh, where your porridge is cold,

but your anus is numb.

Oh,

where the donuts are old fairy and they're filled with.

Oh,

Oh, HOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM And they're filled with calm Home Home My Mexican friend is dumb But he's got no Julio Iglesias I don't know I couldn't do it dude I'm so tired But anyway thanks for the donut Have you had one of these? I have. No, you haven't, dude.
Let me see. No, you haven't.
I didn't eat it today. Get a pistachio, dude.
Man. Yeah, I'm going to prove a point here.
You know what the fans love when we eat on the show? Just take a bite. I will take one little bite of a stash.
Do you guys want some of this? Oh, my God. I don't know.
Is it soft? Yeah.

Let the flavor sink in.

Let the flavor sink in.

Do you think Paul Hollywood just goes eat and then says it?

He does this.

No, sometimes he does this.

Let me tell you something.

I don't like that it's got cream in it.

Oh, yeah? You got cream inside you and people eat that man you are tired okay there's cream in everything dude in titty milk dude a lady last night-year-old lady pulled out her titty in my show.

That's your crowd?

Yeah. And I

go, I thought the joke I said was

what comes out of their cottage shoes? And I got

nothing.

And then my second show last

in Houston, I hear a

thump. Like a

big thump. And I looked to my right and there's a 600 pound man I'm not kidding you laying on the floor face first on the floor like this going oh this comedy sucks I'm taking a nap so wait a minute there's a big fat dude on the floor right oh you are coming well thanks for showing up yeah so this guy is laying on his right he's i think he's dead so there's two choices right piss on him no no pretend it's not happening right yeah just keep going right because it was off to my right so i see staff the managers yeah trying to revive them and i'm going yeah that's what the chicano said you know whatever you're right and then um i just look to the right i go what's going on and they go we don't know man it's packed sold out and it's now people are just rumbling oh there's rumbling yeah now people are rumbling right and i'm going off to the side looking to see you're gonna be okay man he's 600 pounds right it takes him like 20 minutes to get the fuck on in there right oh right right and then um they got a forklift in the yeah yeah and then um hear him breathing outside.
You know how hard it is to restart the room? Oh, yeah. Bro.
Dude, I had a guy had a stroke in Nashville in the balcony at Zaney's. No.
I was like, am I going to do this show now? In the middle of your act? Yeah. And you stopped.
Well, there was like a big commotion. And then I was like, what's going on? And like it's medical emergency and i was like i know my thought was dead somebody died yeah you know because that happened that's happened at almost every show i've done so then this morning i get a direct message from some guy i want to let you know a guy dude that guy died last night no yeah carlos what the car that's not funny carlos? That's not funny Carlos, man Carlos That's not funny, dude That's funny, Carlos Stop it, dude I can't believe it I can't believe it Stop that Ho-hum, dude Dude, ho-hum-dye Ho-hum-dye, dude That's insane, dude Carlos You're sick You're evil, Carlos Right, so i get it then i start calling the management don't what that's not funny yeah yeah stop it yeah you want to i mean you should you should have seen my reaction i read i was like omg what omg what's omg mean oh my god i was oh my god and then i and then it took me a while to get up And then the manager goes No He went and got a pizza Oh okay No there was a pizza place I guess the medics came He stood up And went straight to the pizza place No I'm not kidding Could smell the cheese Yeah so I'm like Oh so he just went to the pizza He goes yeah yeah The pizza place that you, it's good pizza.
Right? Thanks for fucking on my shelf. I hate what, you know, when I was in Phoenix, the sirens went off.
You know what I mean? I don't know what you mean. You mean the fire alarm? Yeah, fire alarm, I mean.
The sirens went off. Well, the stand-up.
Gay nightclub next door? Yeah. So, yeah.
Get ready for the ho-hum, ho-hum, ho-hum. D-D-D-D-J, ho-hum.
Yeah, that wasn't going on. Look who's here.
Yep. Look how brown she is.
Damn, dude. Get out of the sun.
You know, she was just in Hawaii for two weeks. It shows.
Yeah. Yeah.
It shows. It shows.
That's not how you, that phrase doesn't go there. Okay.
Yeah. It's supposed to be facetious, the it shows.
So if somebody goes, yeah, I went to five years of college, you go, yeah, it shows. That's what that is.
Ah. She goes to Hawaii for how long? Two weeks.
Yeah, you don't go, it shows. You go, oh, that's nice.
So try it again. How long did you go to Hawaii for? Two weeks.
That's nice. Dude, just do it shows.
I think it shows is good. That's not good.
That's true. That's nice.
So, hey, Carlos, bring up that. I saw a Filipino girl online.
It reminded me of you. No, I'm serious.
Okay. Not her.
That's not it. I have it.
But i want bobby right just on this image real quick how do you like your coffee it says yeah which one of those two tones are your coffee because your mind might change when you see the whole cup oh can i i love this game yeah i love the tone coffee game so what kind of coffee do you like it with a a lot of cream or not that much cream? Me?

I thought you were asking her.

Anybody can answer.

Well, I just, I like a lot of cream.

You like the far right?

A lot of cream.

Yeah.

Let's see what the full cup looks like. What a da mocha.

Yeah.

Jules, do you know her?

Thank God I didn't do cream.

Oh my God, thank God I didn't do cream.

No, on the left? The cream. No, on the left.

The right.

No, on the left.

The right.

Look at the teeth.

Zoom in a little bit.

Zoom in.

Pinch on that.

Are you pinching on it?

I got to tell you something.

The tattoos aren't distracting enough.

No.

I thought this was fake, right?

I thought it was like a fake.

No, I've seen her face before.

You know her? No, in my TikTokss My algorithm shows her sometimes Really? Yeah I love her Yeah yeah I love her The one on the left is sexy though Hot yeah But the one on the right The one on the left Can I ask you a question They don't have dentists We should do a dentist No Let me ask you something Dentists in the Philippines Don't you think We make a cat dentist. No.
Dentists in the Philippines? Don't you think?

We make a cat?

Google Philippines.

There's dentists in the Philippines.

Thank you?

I don't think so.

What the fuck is that?

I don't know.

What is that?

I don't.

And if you're two teeth, come on.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck?

Dentists in the Philippines, in Cebu.

Let's see. Wow.
There's three places. Three in the philippines in cebu let's see wow how many three places on three in the whole fucking 70 000 islands three places by the way new dental clinic because the old one didn't make it yeah what's the first one cebu dental care give me reviews of cebu dental care reviews 4.9 pretty good that's good let's read it though yeah I had an excellent experience no no no no do the accent oh sorry yeah yeah do the accent i had excellent experience that's indian but i like it yeah by the way this is written by these are all Americans.
This isn't real. Yeah.
I love the one stars, two stars. I would not return there.
We had only dental checks and cleaning and polishing, painful and useless and expensive. Dude, 300 years ago, when you had a toothache, what the fuck would you do? Pull it out.
Really? They used to pull them out. Even like if it's coming on.
Oh, dude, that's when you know to pull it out. Right, so if you got a little pain, you would start pulling it out?

Yank it.

Why would you keep it?

It's only going to get infected.

They're not going to do anything with it.

Wow.

You know?

It is crazy to think about people from over 100 years ago who had good teeth.

Yeah.

Like back in the day, they used to use some whale extract from a little-

Whale blubber.

To make cologne or perfume for women. Oh, right, right.
ways makeup was what back in the day flowers berries no blood no in Transylvania there's blood I'm kidding I don't know how was my rule see that's why I set it up. I'm a beat slow today.
What did you, what did, why did you say berries? Did you ever use berries as a kid for makeup? No, but. On your lips? No, but there's a tradition where like, if you get your first period, you have to put your period blood all over your face.
I'm really glad you're back. I don't know if it's just in the Philippines, but that's what...
It's just in the Philippines. It's definitely just in the Philippines.
I've never heard that before. But you do that.
Why women are using their period blood for face masks. Oh, that does work then.
No. She's saying when you get your first.
First period. I don't know.
I don't do it every period. There's a...
There you go. Despite this culture, the use of menstrual blood is something that has been done traditionally superstitiously for years in the Philippines.
It said if you wash your face with period blood, you'll be blessed with acne-free skin during puberty. Did that work? No.
No. Yeah, yeah.
And then you have to jump like 10 times to like... What? That's a tradition.
Jump like 10 times of what? Just jump 10 times To I think Shake it loose? No Is the cork up there? You need to cork a wine bottle? Yeah like that My grandma did that But you jump up and down For what reason? I think to have a longer life I think that's it Yeah Dude tell me the song You guys sing when you do that Yeah yeah yeah No song There's no song? it, yeah. Dude, tell me the song you guys sing when you do that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No song.
There's no song? Trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick. Wait, so this is, so she painted her face and you do it on your first one and then that's supposed to bless you for life.
Yeah. Koreans believe, and this used to work, when you had a charley horse, right? What's a charley horse? Come here, I'll fuck it, I'll give you one.
It's when you have a charley horse right what's a charley horse come here i'll fuck it i'll give you one yeah it's when you it's when you have a it's like a muscle cramp uh or there's like a buzzing how do they say charley horse what do you call it charley horse you're right charley horse why would you laugh at that then i just imagine korean saying it yeah well how do you say it in korean let's zoom in how do you say it in korean So if you had a charley horse, right? Young, you, Kyung, it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, how do you say it in Korean? Well, zoom in.

How do you say it in Korean?

So if you had a charley horse, right?

Yeah, yeah.

It's easier to say charley horse.

Charley horse.

Thank you, kyeong-yong.

Yeah.

All right.

But you do this.

My grandma would go,

I don't know how to speak Korean,

but she goes,

tap your nose three times. That would get rid of a charley horse? It really did.
No way. Yeah, when you have a charley horse, anyone listening, right? Do that, it gets rid of it completely.
Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm excited for my next charley horse. Yeah.
I never heard, we didn't have any. You must have wise tails.
Wives tails. Wives tails, wives tails, right? Wise wives tails.
Yeah. You mean we have anything like that yeah it's like trying to think of some white ones what are the white ones well it's like you know my dad said you know if you watch TV too close grandpa gonna die stuff like that you know what I mean grandpa died already well yeah you know they say if you masturbate too much, you get hairy hands.
Yeah, that's one. That's a wife's tail.
Hair would grow on your hands. That's a wife's tail.
Yeah. Philippines have wife's tails? Like that.
Like something like a superstitious thing. It's not true.
Like if you wipe blood on your face after your first period. Yeah.
You won't get acne. Or like if you watch, if you've seen like a naked body or like porn, then you will have like

a big bump on your eye.

Oh, a stye.

A stye.

Yes, you get a stye in your eye from Helen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You get a cataract?

You get a cataract?

Wow.

Never heard that before.

Okay, look at this one.

Some of the Filipino culture, go up.

Some of the Filipino culture, the superstitions, avoiding sweeping at night. Don't sweep't sweep right what is that don't what do yeah what does sweeping at night do i think let her guess that'd be that's fun sweeping at night what is that sweeping at night yeah i think it's just to something with ghosts or like okay that did she have it right it's a sweeping at night sweeps away good fortune and attracts bad luck.
Okay, good. Don't look at the screen.
What about cutting your nails at night? Why can't you do that? Trim your nails. It will not grow back.
No, but that makes more sense. Evil spirits.
Don't ever sleep with wet hair in the Philippines. Oh, because you will have white hair.
Wow, that was fast. What does it say? It says you go blind.
What? That's not true. That's not true.
Hold on. What the fuck? We love it.
That's not true. This is amazing.
Maybe different islands have different things. I don't know.
All right, this says not going home right after a wake. Like after you go to a funeral.
Oh, because the spirit will follow you. That's literally what it says.
Itchy palms. Itchy palms.
Itchy palms. You can do pag-pag to get rid of it.
Oh, if a pag pag. Yeah, yeah.
Cleansing ritual. Yeah.
Didn't we do a pag pag on this show? Okay. We love Filipinos, by the way.
For the record, they're our favorite people. How about not taking a home, not taking food home from away? So after a funeral, you don't take food home, right? I take food home.
Okay, well, yeah. Okay.
Itchy palms. What about itchy palms? Itchy palms? Yeah, palms yeah yeah yeah when your hands are itchy inside your hand you'll die sure this just says it's a sign of good luck two more biting your tongue biting if you said like a oh if someone's talking shit about you damn that's true yeah fuck yeah dudei tabi po? Oh, that's.
I told you about this. Like when you're like going through like a quiet area or like a big tree, you have to say tabi tabi po or else like the mythical creature.
Wait, wait. You've never fucking said this before.
What are you talking about? Like I said that before during like a Halloween. I've never heard you say tabi tabi toe po before give me an example give me an example give me an example i told you this before it's halloween we're trick-or-treating you know i mean i'm dressed up as like a fat minion yeah and you're at what uh soap okay we're in the forest we're lost yeah where does this tabby tabby po okay so like when when you're when there's like a big tree.
We're walking by a big tree. Yeah, quiet.
And you're going through it. Redwood, redwood.
Yeah, you're going through it. You have to say tabby tabby po.
Tabby tabby po. Tabby tabby po.
Tabby tabby po. But if we don't, what happens? Then like something bad will happen.
They made a movie, guys. Tabby tabby po.
Tabby tabby tabby po. Go back to the list There's one more By the way Also soap You're soap Yeah you think you're soap Soap Jumping at midnight What about jumping in the middle at midnight? It's just for good luck.
Grow taller in the new year. Can you wear red? In the Philippines, do people wear red? Yeah.
It says it's going to increase your chance of being struck by lightning. Wow.
Don't look. What is a sukob? Sukob.
Sukob. Sukob.
Sukob. S-U-K-O-B.
Sukob. Sukob.
I don't know. There's a little tree you walk by Sukup Sukup Oh yeah what about Kapig Sagiang You know that Twin bananas Kapig Nga Sagi Kapig Nga Sagi Twin bananas Yeah If a woman consumes a twin banana She'll have twins I don't know That's interesting What about scattering coins in a new house When you move into a house You scatter change everywhere No but we bring rice and salt Okay so These stereotypes aren't real You're like well they are It's very funny You bring salt and rice to what You salt the floor and rice the floor right No you just put the rice somewhere and then put salt around it.
It's like for good fortune, I like the spirits, bad spirits. Could I put carpaccio on there too and just eat it afterwards? No, you can't eat it.
The Italians are like, when we buy a new house, we put that mortadella on the floor. We do a little chant called Hungy Hungy Hios wow it's so strange avoid mirrors opposite the front door you can't have a mirror directly across from the front door that's bad luck covering mirrors is bad luck in filipino culture it says placing a chick on a coffin like a baby chicken on a coffin.
That's not. I don't know.

Oh, cool.

Let's cut it out.

You know what fancy?

Spain has a lot of weird superstitions.

I'm sure you guys have

just as many weirdo ones.

You know Spain's got some stupid ones.

What is...

Oh, the grapes at midnight.

Remember, we did that one time.

It's the dumbest shit on earth.

That is not superstitious.

Yeah, it is.

It's supposed to wish you good.

You're supposed to have...

Then you have good luck.

That's a fun...

No hats on the bed.

In Spain, considered bad luck to put a hat on your bed well that was in the movie drugstore cowboy drugstore june no drugstore you ever see drugs drugstore cowboy no i've seen right fan sand directed it with matt dylan and there was a scene they steal drugs from pharmacies uh-huh and uh like drugstore like Drugstore June. Yeah.
And Matt Dillon, one of the, I think Heather Graham sticks a fucking hat on the bed. And then Matt Dillon goes all apeshit because now they're going to have like six weeks of bad luck.
Whoa. Yeah.
And I went to Buckwild last night. You went to the strip club Buckwild? Yeah.
Why'd you do that, bud? Because the club that I played, they knew the manager. I bet they did.
And a Samoan guy showed up and he drove me like 45 minutes outside of the city and I went to Buckwild and I drove 45 minutes back really quickly after that. How long were you there? Five, five hours.
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What have you been doing?

You went to Hawaii?

Yeah, and I've been surfing.

That's why I'm like really town.

Yeah, you are really.

Are you getting good?

I don't know.

This is what Trump was talking about.

They come here.

They surf all day.

They don't do anything anymore. They're surfers.
Are you scared? You must be scared. I don't know.
Ice is coming. But then they're also saying like even with visas, people are getting deported.
Yeah. What island did you go to in Hawaii? Oahu.
Oahu. You guys like that.
Well, they own a place out there. I know.
Yeah. I know.
Yeah. It's fun fun You surfed all day and then you ate Poke I'm gonna go in a couple months I'm gonna show Hawaii theater I'm gonna do a show there You're doing a stand up show? Yeah You should come out It'll be fun You know it's so funny i drive to your fucking shows and do

guest spots yeah because they're great i know but i don't think you would ever go to a different city for me of course i would that's silly yeah why not hawaii neil brennan's gonna go well there you go you got a white no no i want several whites he's the number one white neil brennan what is that oh that's it friday june 6th yep june 6th come uh-oh who's here what's that i mean you know who he is crazy oh there it is there's crazy boy he's crazy there comes nutso he's nuts who is it you'll know you'll know when you see you know you can't tell from the whistle that's yeah corporate comedy is coming Corporate comedy is coming to town Coming to town AGT You ever see America's Got Talent? You ever seen America's Got Talent? Do you like that show? You like that show? It's okay Yeah I know me too See that You, get in here. That's his bait whistle.

Whoa.

You're safe.

You're safe.

Whoa.

Howie.

Howie.

Please, sit down.

Please, sit down.

Howie.

Guys, Howie Mandel.

Howie Mandel is here, everybody, ladies and gentlemen.

Howie Mandel.

Yay.

We love Howie. Howie.
You've met him him before right you met yeah she's the best are those rick owens what are you wearing there what are you talking about your shoes sketchers i i these are uh snoop dogs sketchers oh really nice i have a sketchers i'm an ambassador for sketchers are you laughing at that? Which is a weird thing to say.

You know what's great about Snoop Dogg?

Yeah.

Tell us.

I think the best part about Snoop is he's really reserved himself.

He doesn't do too much. Right.

He's like Kevin Hart in that way.

He's like Kevin Hart in that way.

He says no a lot.

He really does.

Like Snoop.

Can you name any products that Snoop's a dance to?

Or anything he's doing?

Name me a thing.

Not or not.

Skechers. Skechers.

Skechers.

These are actually called Skechers and they're slip-ins because you don't even need the laces

or nothing.

You slip in, you slip out.

We're doing ads for Skechers now.

I'm doing ads.

Howie.

Yeah.

Howie.

Howie Mandel is here.

One of our favorite people.

Howie Mandel's there, ladies and gentlemen.

And Howie's brought his family.

That's your son.

Your whole family. And I've met you before? No? I don't think so.
Who else is there? Is it your daughter? No, I didn't bring my daughter. Who did you bring, Alex? Your wife.
Alex, who did you bring? Your girlfriend? She's his friend. Are you seeing her? No.
Hmm. You guys are just friends? Yeah.
How old are you? 35. Oh, dude.
He's 35. Alex, are you married? No, I'm not.
No. Is she married? I live vicariously through my son on Instagram.
Oh, you do? Yeah. He's got a model rescue service.
I've talked about this before. I mean, what do you have to do? He's really nice.
What he does is he takes in wounded models and nurses them back to health. Yeah.
And once he feels that they're able to talk about commitment, he kind of just. Yeah, yeah.
Sends them back. Andrew, Andrew, Howie Mandel mastering must be such an ordeal.
He's just, okay, I got it. And I got the plastics and then, okay.
Okay, okay, okay, put the wall up.

I mean, what the fuck, dude?

Yeah, I use a glory hole on myself.

Wow.

I have to reach around the wall.

Wow.

I don't want to get any...

Do you still...

Old man, do you still masturbate?

This is like a bad episode of...

Of bad friends.

Kung fu?

Yeah, yeah.

Old man, do you still masturbate?

Old man.

Wait, Howie, do you still or no?

That's why I got my legs crossed right now.

Oh, I see, I see.

Yeah, I do.

Wow, that's incredible.

I do.

Son, I still masturbate.

Are you glad you showed up with me?

Yeah.

Can you give him a play-by-play?

Pardon me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She wants to know more.

I mean, do you watch things, Howie, or do you?

Yeah, I watch videos of people washing their hands very good did it bother you that I brought a whistle I like the whistle I love the whistle, the whistle is my new thing I'm going to make that my thing because there's so many people out there look at her face how concerned Jules is you concerned about? Well, because women usually have practical uses for whistles. Yeah.
Yeah, I just don't understand. It's hard for a man to- What do you understand? It's a whistle.
Well, what do you do? What's the point? You blow it. You blow- Yeah, yeah.
Now do you understand? No. No.
What do you mean? Why do you look like you're in pain? I don't know Yeah, you really enjoying me that's her know that she's always like that that's her disposition I live with you. Yeah, you live with her.
I met her at your house Yeah, yeah, but the thing is that you have a very pain look on your face like there's a problem. That's my normal face Well, it isn't normal.
I'm telling you. It's not normal.
Juliaia is there like a uh filipinos got talent no but we have a lot of filipinos on the show who have talent i know they do the guy that can sing with two voices that's that guy's the best wait what's his first name marcelo marcelo yeah who he is oh yeah hernandez from snl no he does oh no dude he is the most talented singer you've ever heard in your life He does deep voices and then he has an angelic voice On top of it But there's two voices like he does a duet with himself He will fuck you up this guy The greatest singer Kills Freddie Mercury kills anybody Wow I'm telling you right now the Philippines rule That. That's a bold claim.
Play some. All right, there we go.

Just do the first one.

You see how Zanzar on the table?

This is how he jerks off.

Oh, wow.

He sings to himself like a pretty girl.

It's the same guy.

That's the same guy.

These are your people.

Why are you laughing?

It's good.

That's the first one. What? Oh, you're not impressed? I think Andrew can do it You could do it Try it, Andrew From where you're from They have leprechauns Jumping up and down With a fucking rainbow And you think that's not good? It's not good Are you kidding me? Can you do better? Yeah Do it then I'm gonna sing to you There's no way Give me the lyrics, dude Here we go We're all gonna sing it Give me the lyrics Are you doing the female part? Give me the lyrics dude I got it I'm tone Oh here we go There it is Here we go Zoom in real good Alright What the fuck Taylor Taylor's old as time.
Right? Yeah. True as it can be.
Barely even friends. Then somebody bends.
Unexpected me. Go ahead.
Just a little. No, no.
Gotta do the girl. Small to say.
That is the girl is the girl what are you doing you're not even in tune you're playing the Russian boxer yeah women can't sound that way oh I know you're yourself in the corner. The worst singer here is you.
Can you sing? Sing one of them. Sing one line.
Just sing the girl part. Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah, here we go. Here we go.
Just a little change. Not bad.
Horrible. It's not bad.
It's horrible. It's not bad.
I'm a professional talent judge. That sucks.
But can you sing? Thank you, Rudy. No, I can judge it.
Yeah, what gives you the right, Howie? Whenever I'm watching that show, what gives you the right to go, oh, that's a good thing? You're a comedian. I say I like it.
Maybe it's not everybody's taste. I like it.
I just heard her. I don't like it.
I don't like it. I see how that works.
I'm telling you I don't like it. Yeah other judges two people in the room you guys like it yeah you're and i'm being honest with you and that this is not television and it's not network you sing like shit oh my god oh my god break her heart daughter to me dude what don't cry jules don't cry no i know you sing like shit yeah being honest with you and i don't want you because i care about you I don't want you to shit.
I'm being honest with you.

And I don't want you, because I care about you,

I don't want you to think you're good

and then go out into the world and be disappointed.

And I feel like I'm doing a service.

How many years have you been on that show?

16.

It's time to get off.

I wanted to say that, but thank you for saying that.

It's time to wrap it up.

It's a long...

Alex, what do you think?

How do you feel? Does he need to wrap it up? Do you want dad to get off the show and get back home to taking care of you taking care of him well he's 35 he's obviously stunted he brought in a beautiful woman that he's buddies with yeah but he's moving out in the next couple of weeks we are so excited you still live at home no where do you live here you live in Monica. Beautiful.
I want to live on the West side.

I know this.

Ask me where I live.

I know where you live.

Santa Monica.

But you're a great father.

You've been a great father.

I have been a great father.

And I know a little bit about you.

We've been friends for a while.

Yeah, we've been friends for a long time.

I'm a wonderful.

You are such a nice guy.

You're a great guy.

No, can we just keep this going?

Yeah.

I'm a wonderful.

You really are.

And how fucking lucky are you guys and you to have me on this episode? Huge. This is.
Huge. Wait, wait, wait.
Huge. No.
What do you do? I mean, the numbers will go down, but it's not. Okay, okay.
Huge. Not about numbers.
Really huge. Not about the numbers.
It's about the soul. Well, it's like, you know, guy, check this out.
You know, there's some art house movies that no one watches, but. You know what I mean? This is an art house episode.
Yeah, yeah, you know, like, the new movie Companion, no one saw it, but people love it. People love it.
Like the critics. So that's good.
So, you know, that's all I'm talking about. We're going to lose money on the YouTube.
It's not about making money. It's about doing quality stuff.
And this is quality. This feels like quality.
You've done a bunch of these episodes of this one. How do you feel about this one versus some of the other episodes that you've been a part of? Be completely honest.
Well, when they said that someone from AGT was coming, I thought it was Simon Cowell. What are you saying? I just thought that.
And then what you're trying to say is you were ready for Simon Cowell and then when I showed up You went fuck This is like a surprise They went They lowballed me And then Where goes Simon Heidi Who's on the show Heidi's not on it anymore Yeah but still Heidi still Before you Mel B Mel B And then Sofia Vergara Yeah And then are you four I mean where are you in the ranking Look at all the people That have come and gone Oh your tenure. Oh my God.
And you're still there. You're still there.
You know who I replaced? You're the Kenan Thompson of 1880. Let me guess.
I know. Howard Stern.
No. Okay.
I was there with Howard Stern. I replaced David Hasselhoff.
The Hoff. Rest in peace.
After the cheeseburger incident, huh? That's why the nickname for our show is Jew Watch. Regis.
Sam Donnelly. Now, I don't know who that is.
No, those aren't judges. That's our executive producer.
Oh. Regis was the first host.
He was? He was the first host. Then he was followed by Jerry Springer, became the host.
Who's Jason Raff? He was executive producer. And then Nick Cannon became the host.
And then... I think the big black guy.
He's my favorite. Perry Cruz.
Yeah, I like him. He's my favorite.
He likes to be called what you just called him. Is he not a big black guy? He is.
Okay, good. But he likes his name.
And if I was on that little faddle I don't know him guy. From White Chicks? No.
I've never met him. He was in White Chicks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So who's on still now you me simon simon cardi b so that's mel b oh you can't make mel and cardi out cardi would be a good get so you simon mel b and sofia vegaro and and no that's it oh that's it terry cruz is the host terry's always been the host right no he hasn't before him was Tyra Banks Yes Can you look at Simon Just be real And just look at him And go Enough of that What is that What does that mean Enough of that It's amazing what you're to do.
You're like a Korean gym. Wow.
If people just tuned in now and didn't know they were watching this, if they're watching on YouTube, that's uncanny. Because I sit with them daily.
There we go. Look at that.
Do that and then look at that. Put it side by side.
Look at that. I know.
I got it. Yeah, yeah.
We know how older you are, dude. I'm old.
Yeah, but you look good. And you've had no face work.
I have no face work. Exactly.
Because we like natural beings. Yeah.
Right? Look at it. Believe it or not, no face work.
I had testicular liposuction. You know? I had testicular liposuction.
Yeah. You really got them sucked? I try.
I try. I want to.
I'm old. I'm going to be 70 this year.
That's incredible. That's incredible.
What's up for the 70th birthday? Can I ask you also those pants? Are those USPS pants? I swear to God, the woman that delivers my mail wears the exact same same fucking pants i'm not even kidding ladies male pants ladies male pants m-a-i-l i love what you did there she is there's my girl that's from the neighborhood oh my god i am wearing mail alex i want to say about your dad though one of the greatest guys to ever live but he's also fashionable fashionable. Yeah, he is very fashionable.
Am I fashionable? Yeah. Always.
Why do you dress all Midwest like? Why do I wear? You, yeah. I dress Midwest? I mean, just a standard, like, you know, solid color, solid color.
He's very, like, you know, elect. Function.
Well, he dresses. If you look at my son, and I know he's off camera, but if you look at him, he's dressed exactly like my wife.
I see it in the family that's what he does I've never seen you buzz somebody like it's not good there's an ex buzz no I do it a lot really yeah probably more than anybody like if I went up there you don't watch the show like if I went up there you really watch the show like if I went up there and like no music and I was just like... Buzz? You know who you just did? No, I won't buzz because there's a...
Find this, Urien Retriever. Very good.
Urien Retriever. It's why you are...
That was embarrassing. Urien Retriever dancing.
Okay. Maybe she does it.
This is what you just reminded me of. Did she make it?

No, but it's so fucking funny.

Wait, this is what you just looked like.

When she was dancing.

Go to the dancing.

Go to the dancing.

Tell me this is not Bobby Lee.

That's what I'm saying. That's exactly what you just did.
That's what i just did that was i believe that's yeah

oh oh simon oh really i post your face i know we're dancing yeah yeah look at it isn't that you so why don't you come on and do it you can make a and and at that season i know leanne huff was there who is a dance expert and and put her through the big black guy like i think this is why america's in debt this is why we're in the hole man why because of urian what what is urian i didn't understand her name is urian retriever i okay her name is urian retriever i thought that was an animal i swear to god i thought golden retriever is an animal yeah but urian urian is her name oh oh no she's very different there right yeah there she is yeah but she's not what you're looking at shots of her not dancing when she dances. I like to dance.
I think she's cute. Take it away.
You should have her on the show. She lives here.
Really? Yeah, single you think? Yes, I know she is. You keep up with everyone who's ever contested on the show, I've heard.
I keep up with everybody. You know that he's got the cell phone number of everyone that's ever tried to be on the show.
I don't have a cell phone, but I DM everybody. I do.
Do you want to urian no but you know the one that you put her on the one that you gave a i think a golden ticket to it was a grace thunderbolt grace grace thunderbolt yeah what's her name grace thunderbolt the singer uh i think you're thinking of grace vanderwall yeah that one yeah grace yeah yeah grace thunderbolt she's so good you want to talk to urian howie what are you going to do for your 70th i was I was kidding, Howie. Don't call her.
I'm going to call her. Oh, Howie.
You're single. Howie.
What? Here she is. Howie, don't call her, dude.
I'm going to call her. Oh, my God.
Well, let him call her. You never know what you'll get out of that.
I'll tell her to go on. Oh, she's on FaceTime? Maybe.
Okay. I'll see if it won't go on.
I'm going to do an accent, though, for sure. 1-800-Flowers.com.
Hey. Mom.
Mom. Mom.
Mom and she my mom when i sent her the flowers she would ease and she loved every single one of the flowers yeah she's you said your mom right i did i love my mom and i love your mom and you know what moms deserve the best especially here on mother's day when it comes to flowers there's only one place i trust to get it every time this is a fact i've been using these guys for so long way longer, way longer than they were a part of the show, but 1-800-Flowers.com, so simple every single year. You pick something elegant and cute and sweet and colors that match your mom's style.
Ooh, ooh. And right now, when you order one dozen roses, Andrew, they'll double it to two dozen free, twice the beauty, twice the love, and all no extra cost, baby.
What do you want, man? Don't wait. Show mom how much she means to you with a gift that says it all.
Go to 1-800-Flowers.com today and give mom their flowers. They deserve them, okay? To claim your double your roses offer, go to 1-800-Flowers.com slash badfriends.
That's 1-800-Flowers.com slash badfriends. 1-800-Flowers.com slash badfriends.
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I remember that for merch. I had to do that because the right tools make all the difference when i first started touring by the way yeah um i use square the square on my phone i would plug it in i remember that for merch i had to do that because a lot of places didn't take cash anymore and also people don't carry cash anymore so it's easiest for people to just tap the square and guess what i was too dumb to do it you were and you are exactly if you know then now if you then know now you would have keeps up so you don't have to slow down man get everything you need to run and grow your business without any long-term commitments.
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Get started today. What's happening, y'all? It's Anthony Edwards.
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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.
Okay, here we go. I don't know.
No, do not do that. Don't do that.
Don't do that. Retok rok I'll do that Rok rok I'm a golden retriever No, you're not Stop that You stop that Rok rok Watch, I'm just practicing Oh, let me Yeah, let me leave a message.
No?

It's Howie.

There's no way her real name is Retriever.

Pretty stuck on that.

Really?

A million followers, though.

Yeah, no. Killing it.

She's a dancer.

I know.

People love dance.

Well, yes, she did.

Well, not enough you didn't put her through. I didn't because other people didn't get it i was a fucking simon oh simon he doesn't understand dance like i do who do you who do you who do you love who do you really love working with truly truly truly who really good do you work with you go you know i really enjoy that person a lot i i enjoy sophia vigara she's great huh you should hang Well, it's not only that, she's funny.
And funny. I've never noticed her looks.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Really? That's not how I view people. He goes right to that beautiful thing.
I think smart. Sweet.
That pudgy Asian girl says she was good. Okay, dude.
Why are you making fun of somebody that looks exactly like you? Yeah, that's why I can do it, right? No. If it is you, is you you can do it that's right if they look like you and it's not you you can't do it what are you saying i guess kiwi fruit kiwi fruit yeah i've asked i've asked but i am really interested what what is 70th birthday going to be that's a huge that's a big deal i'm going to throw it myself i'm going to it's going to be a surprise are we invited to your party telling anybody no i'm gonna plan it but i'm not gonna tell anyone i'm gonna park way down the street and then i'm gonna hide behind my door yeah and wait for nothing i don't want to celebrate at the all kidding aside i'm not celebrating a party i'm not gonna celebrate your 70th birthday i don't want to i don't like birthdays anymore why not I'm fucking 70 yeah but 70 is a big deal she's never going to get there do it for her how old are you these people go fast I was more than a decade older than you when you were born the thing.
You know, the thing about me, look at me. You look young.
Yeah, you do. I'm going to die soon.
No, you're not. I am.
You're going to be like that one guy. Who's the one guy that didn't die soon? He's 99.
What's his name? Dick Van Dyke. Dick Van Dyke! But even then, you're going to be like that.
29 years. 29 years, which is even older than, So I've only got another 29.
You got a long time. You got a long time, dude.
How many more appearances on this podcast do you think I've got left in me in the rest of my life? Yeah. No.
Who seg? Honestly, ask AI how much longer Howie has to live. Yeah.
Ask how much longer will Howie Mandel live. And then three years from now, you're going to be still doing that show and the androids are going to be, are you going to wait to air this like to the day before this says? And then that way, this thing will go through the roof.
We usually hold this stuff out. If you die, this is going to be a banger.
Yeah. Wouldn't that be great for you? It is impossible.
Think about how great. Look at that.
Zoom in. It is impossible to predict how long any individual will live, including public figures like Howie Mandel.

Life expectancy depends on many factors, including genetics, lifestyle choice, medical conditions, and even chance.

However, Howie Mandel, like anyone else, will live as long as his health and circumstances allow.

No one can know for sure how long, probably the next four years.

Fuck.

That's pretty astute.

Yeah.

See?

But you're going to go for a long time.

You're a healthy guy.

Well, you exercise. I do.
And you exercise your brain daily. That's just astute.
Yeah. See? But you're going to go for a long time.
You're a healthy guy. Well, you exercise.
I do. And you exercise your brain daily.
That's just as important. That's what they say.
If the noodle is activated. Is that what they say? They say a healthy brain is a healthier life for sure.
Do you ever see Life in the Blue Zones? Do you ever watch that? No. What is that? The Blue Zones, I know what it is.
It's the areas in the world where people live the longest. And they say that.
And they have a series. Yeah.
They did a Netflix. Is Okinawa a blue zone? It was.
What happened? Godzilla. Godzilla.
Oh, fuck. Yeah.
It's a green zone. When he goes to the green zone.
Life in the Jew zones. Life in the Jew zones.
Yeah. Yeah.
They don't live long, but they complain about everything. Yeah.
But, Howie, I want to say something. Don't.
I think- No, I really don't. I really do.
I really do. I think so.
May I? Go ahead. Say what you want to say.
You know, I act a certain way when I'm around you, but really- You act a certain way? Yeah. I try to be confident around you, like, I'm the guy or whatever, But it's like, at the end of the day, I've always been a fan of yours.

Like, you and Arsenio doing that tour together?

Yeah.

Yeah, and I just love both of you guys.

You've got the shit all over here.

What is it?

Just a lot of shit.

You didn't brush your teeth for this fucking thing?

I just want to say that I'm just a-

You didn't even brush your teeth?

How big a fan could you be if you got-

You just like, you don't even-

You wouldn't even take care of yourself? Howie, my dad comes, you didn't even floss? So, Howie, what time do you go to bed at night? Are you sending me to bed now? No, I'm not. I do want to know.
Yeah, what time do you... At night, I feel like you don't get good sleep.
I don't. Exactly.
I don't. Yeah.
Because I don't. You think too much.
I can't sleep. You think too much.
I don't know what's going on. I know what it is.
You've told me. mess You're a mess I'm a mental health mess Can I tell you what it is? Yeah Fuck What it is is this It's you keep going You can't sit down Because when you sit down You start thinking And then you get all fucked up I get fucked up So you keep going And you have to constantly work Work work work work You need you need a fucking therapist and you didn't make me happy thinking I'm going to live for a long time it's too tiring but you need help do you think or no? Alex do you think? I get help as I sit here I'm incredibly medicated what are you on? I don't tell my mind but I am on medication.
I'm a Ritalin. You're on medication.

Yeah.

Oh, right, right.

Well, that's healthy.

That's good.

If you feel good, do you feel at bay?

Do you feel balanced or do you feel held back?

I feel numb.

Is that good?

No.

Is that good?

No, you got to feel stuff.

Hey, Howie.

Will you shut up?

Howie, back in the day, at the comedy store days, because you know, him and I still go to the store a lot Yeah I go sometimes Do you You see me there I know but Are there guys that Like you didn't like That are still around Oh yeah We like this kind of talk Who used to be Back in the day Back in the day Who's an asshole Like an asshole Like an asshole Let me throw some names out Okay Dice How was Dice He was nice to me He actually And he came on my podcast and talked about how he took some of my material he stole from it he roses are red violets are blue you are schizophrenic I am schizophrenic and so am I was mine and then he did. And then he did it.
But he says that. I love him now.
Have you been watching him lately? Who else stole that? Have you been watching him? Yeah, he's great. Yeah.
No, but on his Instagram where he goes up to people and he says, take a picture with me. Yeah.
And they don't know who the fuck is. He's hysterical.
He's hysterical. And now he's got John Lovitz with him.
Do you know what the line you just said? Do you know who else stole that? Do you know where that's from? Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I. You wrote that? I wrote that.
do you know what the line you just said you know who else stole that you know where that's from roses are red ballots are blue i'm a schizophrenic and so am i you wrote that i wrote that do you know what it you know what movie that's in no that's in um that's in uh you don't know either that's the beauty of it no i do know this is crazy my brain just went blank you know a lot of shit of mine got stolen when i was a kid no no it's's Richard Dreyfuss and fucking Bill Murray. It's What About Bob? It's in What About Bob? The scene where he is in the mental hospital, he says, there it is.
Rose is a red, violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.
Right there. I called that.
I wrote that in 19... I remember that fucking clip.
Can you sue? No. You know, I tried to make suits.
Originally, one of my... Look, they made a fucking meme on it.
Oh, my remember that so vividly they stole that from you no I didn't he did he heard me do it and then he did it no that's to put it in a movie he came on he well this I don't I didn't know why did you do that to Bill Burr I oh I'm feel so bad I feel bad why would you tell me to go myself why would you And people want to beat me up for it. Why would you go to the king and trap him? You want me to be honest? What are you trying to do, dude? I tried to do something nice.
I thought I was doing something nice. Don't you think it's nice to bring family together? Yeah, but if you're not honest before.
It's kind of like the whistle. It's called a surprise.
It's a surprise. That was a whistle yeah yeah that was a whistle so um what was that all about guy billy corrigan came on my show and told the story that he'd never told before it wasn't even a bit that i planned yeah the plan was i was billy corrigan was on gonna do my podcast and i said you know here's this will be funny i'm gonna just say that bill burr is doing the podcast and we'll never cop to the fact that you're billy corrigan and i'll i'll talk you'll answer questions as bill burr he goes nah i don't want to do that but you know my bill burr story and i said no i don't know your bill burr story i said i never told it before can i tell it on your show go ahead tell me your bill burr story so he told me that his mother or stepmother told him that there's a famous comedian who has a really good chance of being your brother.
Yeah. You heard the story.
I'm not going to. Yeah.
Yeah. But maybe the audience has it.
Do you want me to tell it again? It's Billy Corrigan story. Billy Corrigan said that his.
But the problem is, is that was a. Travel did meet and greets.
Right. And he, like me, didn't shake hands.
He just put his penis in. But it doesn't make any sense because Bill Burr and Billy Corrigan both knew their dads, right? I don't know.
Individually, did they know their their dads They know who they think their dad is

Oh they never physically saw their dad then

No they physically

Just because a guy lives in your house with your mother

Doesn't make him your dad

Very nice

I never thought yeah

Let's see somebody steal that

But is he is Bill mad

Is Bill still mad

Not Corrigan Burr

Yeah Burr's mad

Burr's never mad

I know

He's not mad

I'm going today. I'm off.
What the fuck are you doing? How the hell you have? Is he ironic or what? Ironic. Oh, very good.
You can cut out the part where you told us that we didn't react properly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's so good. You edit that out and then you just get the lead.
No, no. Yeah.
The audience at home will get it. Yeah.
We have to have to let them get it you know sometimes yeah so then bill burr was on my show just to promote his upcoming hulu special hulu special and the fact that he was going to be on broadway yeah and all that gay all right go ahead i have to say whenever i hear the word i'm sorry that's instinct i apologize hulu gay so then what so anyway what i was uh so i said i called up billy who does work in my space because he said he was going to anyway i called and i said uh billy corgan works in your space yeah what is he doing there a podcast he's got a fucking podcast uh-huh gee everyone's got it's called the magnificent others is that that's what it's called uh-huh you're going well i don't know i don't look at numbers okay i'm not here for numbers i do know since his band was smashing pumpkins the podcast should Picking Up the Pieces. I feel like that would have been more in line with the...

My favorite album of all time, Gish.

The Gish. Do you remember Gish?

Oh, yeah. The very first one.
Smashing Pumpkins.

Smashing Pumpkins is phenomenal. Phenomenal.

What city is he from? 1, 2, 3. Chicago.

The best. Yeah.

Can you ask him if I want to do it?

Okay. I'm sure he'd love to have you.

Yeah, I'd love to do it. I'm sure he'd love to.
You want me to phone him now? I'd be so nervous to meet him. Yeah, he doesn't want to meet him.
I'm a huge fan. Yeah.
You know, it's like- Can you make a phone? I phoned you. I can't believe- Anyway, the point is, he was in my building.
How did they never cast Billy Corgan in fucking FX as What We Do in the Shadow?

I know.

It's like, dude.

It's incredible.

No hair, no makeup.

Yeah.

No, but honestly, I'm not kidding when I say this.

You got to let us throw you a 70th birthday party.

Let us do it.

Let us do it.

I'll do it.

No, I'm dead serious.

I think it's important.

It would be great to celebrate with bad friends.

Can we do it?

Bob, can we really? I would love to do it.

All right.

I don't want to start a fight with you,

but I have to say it. We get it.
You know John Mayer Let's move on Oh my god We went to the show This week Yeah we get it But anyway I know you went to Vegas I'm not allowed to wear The shirt Of the fucking man Hey Look who I'm friends with You know what's funny About that Fucking disgusting I know that You might not back me up that's right i asked you to be on the podcast this week and you you could have said no i got i got things to do but you were very specific about telling me i'm going to vegas to see the dead i said i'm going yeah that's what he does i think i have i did i go i'm going to vegas no you didn't no you didn't see john one time nope He's starting three times. He's lying to Vegas.
You go back to the age? No. You didn't? No.
You didn't see John one time? Nope. You stopped him three times.
I lied and he lied. Yeah, yeah, three times.
Had lunch? Meals? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No. Nothing.
Did you get him for free? Did you get him for free? Oh, yeah. No, I pay.
Are you out of your fucking mind, Howie? I pay. This guy is the Celtics in front row.
With Shaquille and Humphreys and all those guys have you seen Shaquille Humphreys play ball amazing guys got handles his big hand oh you're a good seat if you're sitting in Tracy Morgan's puke yeah so my point is is that he went had a jolly time had a great time yeah you know he's jealous who's. Who's the most famous person you know? I think everybody.
I mean, it's such a dumb fucking question. Such a loser fucking dumb question.
Take your headphones off and walk outside. Go smoke.
Where are you going? He's going to go short in his life. How come the guy doesn't come? Oh, there he is around the corner again.
Come on, sit down. Sit down.
I don't want you to pass out.

Fucking bullshit.

I don't like your shoes.

Can I get you Skechers?

I'm supposed to-

Oh, you got to plug it.

Spread Skechers.

I would love to know that deal.

How much money is Skechers?

Keep that much.

You know how I got the deal?

That's got to be so much money.

You know how I got the deal?

AGT?

No.

You know how I got the deal?

Really?

I think I've told this story before, but I'm going to tell you but i don't want to hear it okay let him tell the story yeah i'm sorry holly i went to sketchers because i like i'm not plugging this is the absolute truth i like the slip-ins because i don't like to touch laces i don't want to touch the fucking shoes so when i'm a show, I go there and I bought the slip-ins. I walk up to the counter.
This is in Marina Del Rey. You could check all these.
These are facts. I walk up to the counter.
The girl at the cash register says, are you Howie Mandel? I said, yes. She goes, oh, you're obviously an ambassador.
You get 30% off. I went, obviously.
And I- Wow. My wife was standing behind me.
She kicked me. She goes, you don't fucking bullshit for 30 bucks whenever I was getting off.
But then she goes, so she gives me, I pay for the shoe. She gives me 30% off.
And then she says, I can't find your name in the computer. Oh my God.
That's what I said. I went, oh my God.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong. They give it to you anyway, right? She goes, I'll give it to you anyway.
Here we go god that's what i said i went oh my god i don't know what the fuck is wrong but

they don't know they give it to you anyway right what she goes i'll give it to you anyway here we go here's what here's what you got to do yeah you gotta take the shoes hold them up i'm gonna take a picture of you and send it to the head office whoa my wife is kicking me you fucking idiot you don't do that you're so embarrassing yeah and then and then they take a picture of me they send it So wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait.

30% off?

He's not doing what this...

It's a riveting story.

And I'm finished.

Okay. There's an ending to this riveting story.
So then I'll fucking end it. Sorry.
Go ahead. I'm sorry.
Okay. So they take the photo.
You can edit it out. With this.
And then what happens? Two weeks later, I get a call from my agent that said, Skechers called. And I go, for $30 fucking dollars, they're calling.
They found me found me they tracked me down and they said they want me to be an ambassador and they made me do a commercial telling this story that i told wow see it's not great story i love it i love it so good. What? I love you so much.

He interrupted you with the fucking photo,

and then it fucked up the fucking rhythm of the story,

and no rhythm.

Look at his shirt.

Look at his shirt, dude.

The jealousy is so gross on you.

Who did you go with?

Oh, let me guess.

Jason Bateman, Ryan Reynolds.

Who knows, Howie?

That's what he's in line with.

Who did you go with?

I went with Armie Hammer. You know I just had him on did you yeah yeah shit I know I was gonna make a fucking joke and you didn't even let me get it I'm so sorry I'm off this is a comedy show I'm so Armie Hammer I was gonna say 30% off did they owe you money I mean fuck dude now it doesn't.
I was trying to zing. I was trying to sketch her zing.
This is not live, guys. You could re-edit this in post.
No, he fucks it up all the time. No, post.
My rhythm's off. Was that irony again? Just for my clarity.
Thank you. Thank you.
You got it. So last week, I had Armie Hammer on, and my daughter, who I do.
I like your daughter. She's sweet.
I think she's hot. She wouldn't do the show.
What the fuck are you doing? the show she wouldn't do the show she's old you can't say she's hot well you can't say she's old she's 40 yeah she's hot for 40 and Alex is handsome why can I say that you know what dude I think what you're doing it doesn't sit right let me say that again with you why are you offended say your daughter I'll start it over. My daughter who I do my podcast.
She's ugly. Jacqueline.
Love it. She's so ugly.
Wait. It's a comedy show.
Wait. There it is.
That doesn't sit right. She talks.
That doesn't sit right with me. See? Look at that piece of shit.
No. No.
What do you want then, guy? Say nothing. All right.
Say it again. My daughter who I do my podcast with Yeah yeah Better? Go on I don't have it The timing was ruined Yeah No no but your daughter? She wouldn't sit in the room With army? Yeah Right Oh she's one of those Well she doesn't want to be bitten What? He's Spanish

If he wasn't

It was like a speech impediment

Is that true?

That he likes to eat people?

Ask Howie, he had him on the show

He said no

I don't know

He said no

Your honor, he said no

He didn't get charged

That is true

He's never eaten anybody

Never eaten a person

I think it'd take a lot to eat somebody i also think he has podcasting chops i've seen clips i like it don't say chops because yeah um wow did you give him like why don't we go ahead like a fork and a fucking knife like thanks for coming on the show sit down don't get this away from the guy well he was a nice guy i would imagine that if people you know some people don't watch a whole podcast so if you tune into that episode halfway through and you don't see my daughter you're gonna assume he ate her right right that's what we'll show clips without her there with no explanation and people will go,

it's true.

I want him to hear this show and be like, why would he talk about me like that?

He's so fucking bummed.

That's your army hammer.

I've never heard the guy.

I don't even know how he sounds.

Well, let me try.

How does he sound?

My name is Harman.

Yeah, see, we did the same kind of thing.

That's exactly it.

I was on the movie with Johnny Depp where he plays the Indian.

Perfect.

That's a flawless impression.

Lone Ranger. Lone Ranger, right? That's a Loneanger chancho what's his what chancho chancho i'm off i'm really off chancho yeah i have a sleeve it's chancho and the lone ranger chancho is the when they had when the lone ranger had a chinese sidekick you know fuck you man making fun of the chinese i don't know what i'm doing you said chanchocho.
You're right. I love you so much.
I put the CH into the Chinese.

Look at him. Chonto is Native American.

That's the cologne commercial he does?

Is that what that is? That's the Lone Ranger.

Oh, that is. That movie, what are you

talking about? Doesn't he do a

cologne commercial? He dresses the exact same.

Johnny Depp? Sauvage. Johnny Depp?

Look at Sauvage.

Dresses like that? No, he doesn't. Look at Sauvage.

Sauvage. Look, he looks the exact same.
I've never seen this exact same What's the difference Show me the difference between the two photos Sauvage And then Tonto That's his sketch You know what Johnny Depp looks like Go back to the Tonto one Argus Hamilton in the 70s Can you imagine that guy oh i'm laughing yeah i'm laughing can you imagine him walking into his room looking like that and saying to his ex you're a man of poo poo yeah you know what that is right no his ex-wife look at that photo what's that argus hamilton joke he goes that photo i didn't like cocaine i just liked the way it smelled. That was Argus.
Yeah, yeah.

His ex-wife, Johnny Depp's ex-wife, made a poo-poo in the bed.

Have you ever done that to a boyfriend's bed?

No, but I sometimes poo myself in the car.

Do you remember what I...

You see my poo?

You poo yourself in the car?

Yeah.

Howie.

You know, it's Uber, not pooper.

He's seen my poo.

He's seen your poo. Yeah, who hasn't with that accent it sounds like i imagine that was a sitcom it's always like a bad line yeah we'd have to get that over with i'll do another one i mean you're yeah yeah what do you mean who has you're like fucking uh let's do that again let's do do that again.
So, you know... From the room.

Yeah.

That's right.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It was that kind of line written.

How did you see the poo?

I will not.

That's exactly what it is.

That's exactly what it is.

White was out.

Tommy was out.

Yeah, was out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, he's seen my poo.

I've seen it.

He's seen my poo.

Who hasn't?

It's a good reading. Better reading.
Who hasn't? Much better. Yeah, yeah better yeah yeah who hasn't seen your poo yeah why did you see his poo he relapsed in cancun and he got shit all over the walls well talk about missing anyway that's true that's literally is that is that you and bobby cancun that picture right there, that's those two guys now.
Yeah. Is that your poop on the wall? And on your face? By the way, did this movie bomb? Yes, it did.
What a bummer. He was the man from Uncle also.
Oh, yeah. Also the Winklevoss twins.
The Winklevoss twins. Call me by your name.
Timothy Chalamet. He made that movie too.
Social Network? Yeah. Yes.
Such a good movie. I love Timothy Chalamet.
What's the kid's name? What's Spider-Man? Andrew Garfield? I love Andrew Garfield. That kid's phenomenal, too.
What the fuck does that have to do with anything we're talking about? He was in Social Network. Oh, okay.
I named the whole cast. Eduardo.
How do you poo in the car? Why do you poo in the car? I just had diarrhea, and I couldn't hold it. Okay.
You never shit your pants howie there's no yeah there's no way but she's like it's always in the car yeah i'm 70 years old i've done it many many times i could do it on command you have a leaky butt now because you're old good question very good question are you serious yeah yeah. It's still tight.
Yeah, I got a tight ass. Hey, Jules.
These are all hard. It's a gaping hole.
It's like being on 60 Minutes. What are you doing? What are you eating? What are you doing there? Donut.
What is he doing to it? I have diabetes. If I don't eat this, my blood sugar gets really low.
But what are you doing to it before you eat it he chops it up he chops you chop up a donut yeah yeah try the other one who eats a donut with a fork i've never seen that people who are friends with john mayor but i've never seen somebody eat it with a fork i gotta be honest with you yeah it's the only way to eat it these people use their hands I mean you of all people you should know why touch it so Andrew can you teach me how to do this so I did a movie with Billy Armstrong from Green Day and we're talking we're gonna get makeup together right and I'm trying to like get his number right but I don't want to directly you know what I mean so I start like angling you know what I mean like yeah know you know so jawbreaker started when you started you know i'm trying to get into like you know i mean yeah i can never get it to a place where i can get his number i can tell you the hands don't help i mean i wouldn't give you my fucking really check it out dude i love your shit dude that's not good That's not good? Billy, Billy, Billy. No? No.
Oh, fuck. Well, if you're going to use your hands, you should have held up fingers.
Okay. Like, hint, if you held up fingers.
Like, if you just, when you're talking to him, you just go, you just keep talking. Hey, Billy, I love the stuff you do.
Really? And he'll go, what's with those numbers? And you go, what? Those numbers aren't yours? And he goes, no, my number is. And then you get it.
No. Really? Let me try that.
That's how I would do it. All right.
Hey, Billy, man. I love your music.
Good. Thank you.
No, check it out. If I'm saying something wrong, stick your finger up.
You got it. Right? Hey yeah okay go ahead billy what's up man no yeah what's up yeah you never say that i know so i'm not being in makeup are you sitting beside him in the makeup what's up play no no what's the movie what what were you doing dog what's up bro oakland no yeah yeah you're from san diego but he's from but you're not i know but i know that he is so i go what's up oakland no okay all right so you're not marshawn lynch let's be real i'll do it real okay hey man thanks for putting me in your movie man oh you're in his movie yeah dude what movie was it he wrote a movie when what some of these How did he call you? But wrote a movie.
When? What? Some of these are first.

How did he call you?

Those are problems.

But he called you.

You don't have calls?

He went to my agent.

Oh.

And then the agent goes, yeah, Billy wants you in the movie.

So I said, yes.

So I show up.

So I'm like, what's up, Bill?

Thanks for putting me in your movie, man.

You're welcome.

Okay, cool.

Anyway, I haven't seen you in like 20 years, dude.

You and your wife were so nice to me back in the day when we used to hang out 406 9734 that's how you do it yeah that worked it worked didn't it how'd you get john mayer's i'm gonna need you guys back on set so yeah yeah how'd you get john mayer's his phone number yeah i know how are you good friends with john mayer's what was that yeah gay guys you just go on you just go on agt right there what was that how was your experience here how did you have fun that's a goodbye isn't it what's that you have time this week to come do mine i'm leaving tomorrow morning howie howie you he's never coming back let me be your agent he's never coming back where are you going tomorrow morning miami he is a golf thing with john mayor yeah i actually am going with john i'm john john is gonna fly me out and i'm busy too we come on now you know why you know why i won't come back on the show no because I don't do anybody else's podcast because I already do ours and mine and that's all I want he can test it me too no that's a lie you do shit all the time I've been slowing down look at me today I was all over the fuck but ask these guys ask these guys that's true do I do other shows well you're starting a new one right now no my own yeah yeah no but do I do other people's shows you're not doing you're getting're getting rid of whiskey? Whiskey? Whiskey's going to be around for a little bit, but I have to do the golf show. It's a show.
It's a podcast, but it's a web show. So why don't you do mine? I'm going to do one, too, then.
I will do my Star Trek one. Andrew, you didn't say that.
You're more than welcome. Dude, honestly, I'd love to fold this podcast.
So why not? No, forever. No, no, this thing is done.
I won't won't do it then. You can do yours.
Fuck, dude. Do everything you want.
But Andrew. I'm sure the fans would like that, though.
But you won't. So you won't.
But it's two good organizers. You and Adam.
Just two guys that'll hunker down. You said, I will in July when I'm back from the tour.
Do it. What is that? I said, you want to do the tour? You said, I will soon.
Then I said, okay. Give me give me a month or times and you go I will in July when I'm back from tour and then I read are you ready for a podcast hey brother I shell in a bit we're playing catch up on our two shows but I will it's true I will and then I come here and say so you ready you go I don't do podcasts yeah sometimes he has he has to be direct.
I don't. After a lot of weekends.
Color me wrong. I'm texting him right now.
I just got a DM. It says I don't do podcasts.
So anyway, I got to tell you, all kidding. I love you.
I love you. I love you.
Thank you. I love you.
I watch everything you do. You're also really, both of you are really good actors.
No, no, no, no. He's better.
He's a better actor. You've got to potty train yourself, young lady, and then you'll be somebody I'll appreciate.
Okay. Okay.
No, I'm serious. You've got to stop pooping.
It's just sometimes. Yeah, but there should be no time.
Is it weird that Howie Mendel is sitting next to you or no? okay she's used to it you're used to it right because my assistant you know my assistant melanie i know the first time you called her yeah she called me freaking the fuck out yeah but this girl what the fuck howie mendel just called me and do you not remember this is shit you got remember and do you remember when i came and did your show and she sat right beside me? Yeah.

And you said, do you know who he is?

Yeah.

And what did she say?

No.

No.

Yeah.

And I spent the next 20 minutes explaining deal or no deal to you.

That's what I remember.

Yeah.

I remember that.

And at the end of it, she was like, no deal.

Howie, can you look in the camera and go, thank you for being a bad friend?

Thank you for being a bad friend.

I knew the whistle was coming. Yeah.
Yeah.