Ancient Korean Wise Tales w/ Howie Mandel

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 3 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 Ho hum.

Speaker 2 Down in the bayou.

Speaker 2 We got legs that are tired, lights that flicker in the night.

Speaker 2 Ho hum.

Speaker 2 My old black legs are skimming through the sand with my weepy eyes and my sour soul, and I'm coming around.

Speaker 2 What's up? That was improvised. Oh

Speaker 2 hum.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. You know the oh hum as you trek through the woods with your bow.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 oh

Speaker 2 where your porridge is cold, but your anus is numb.

Speaker 2 Oh

Speaker 2 hum.

Speaker 2 Where the donuts are, old fairy, and they're filled with cold.

Speaker 2 Oh, hum.

Speaker 2 My Mexican friend is dumb, but he's got no Julio Iglesia. I don't know.

Speaker 2 Damn. I couldn't do it, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm so tired. No, you got it.
But anyway, thanks for the donut. Have you had one of these? I have.
No, you haven't. Let me see.
No, you haven't. Why? I didn't eat it today.
Get a pistachio, dude. Man.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm going to prove a point here. You know what the fans love when we eat on the show?

Speaker 2 Just take a bite.

Speaker 2 I will take one little bite of a stash. Do you guys want some of this? Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Is it soft?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let the flavor sink in. Let the flavor sink in.
You know what my biggest problem is? Do you think Paul Hollywood just goes, eat, and then it says it? He does this. No, sometimes he does this.

Speaker 2 let me tell you something I don't like that it's got like cream in it

Speaker 2 oh oh oh yeah I don't like you got cream inside you and people eat that

Speaker 2 man you are tired

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 there's cream in everything dude

Speaker 2 In titty milk

Speaker 2 dude a lady last night a 68 year old lady, pulled out her titty in my show. That's your crowd.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I go, I thought the joke I said was, what comes out of their caught as cheese? And I got nothing.

Speaker 2 And then, my second show last in Houston, I hear a thump, a thump,

Speaker 2 like a big thump. And I looked to my right, and there's a 600-pound man.
I'm not kidding you.

Speaker 2 Laying on the floor, face first on the floor, like this. Going, oh,

Speaker 2 this comedy sucks. I'm taking a nap.

Speaker 2 So, wait a minute. There's a big fat dude on the floor.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Oh, you are coming.

Speaker 2 Well, thanks for showing up. Yeah.
So, this guy is laying on his,

Speaker 2 like, he is, I think he's dead. So, there's two choices, right?

Speaker 2 Piss on him. No.
No? Pretend it's not happening. Right.
Yeah. Just keep going.
Right. Because it was off to to my right.
So I see staff, the managers trying to revive them.

Speaker 2 And I'm going, yeah, that's what the Chicano said. You know, whatever.
Right. And then I just look to the right and I go, what's going on? And they go, we don't know, man.

Speaker 2 It's packed. Sold out.
And it's now people are just rumbling. Oh, there's rumbling.
Yep. Now people are rumbling, right? And I'm going off to the side, looking to see, you're going to be okay, man.

Speaker 2 He's 600 pounds, right? It takes him like 20 minutes to get the fuck out of there. Right.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 right, right.

Speaker 2 And then.

Speaker 2 They got a forklift in the...

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then.

Speaker 2 You hear him breathing outside. You know how hard it is to restart the room? Oh, yeah.
Bro. Dude, I had a guy

Speaker 2 had a stroke in Nashville in the balcony at Zaney's. No.
I was like, am I going to do this show now?

Speaker 2 In the middle of your act? Yeah. And you stopped.
Well, there was like a big commotion. And then I I was like, what's going on? And then they were like, it's a medical emergency.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I know. My thought was, dead.
Somebody died. Yeah.
You know, because that happened, that's happened at almost every show I've done.

Speaker 2 So then this morning, I get a direct message from some guy.

Speaker 2 I want to let you know, guy, dude, that guy died last night. No.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Carlos. Carlos.
What the? That's not funny. Carlos, man.

Speaker 2 Carlos. That's not funny, dude.
That's not funny, Carlos. Stop it, dude.

Speaker 2 I can't believe it. I can't believe it.
Stop that. Ho-hum, dude.
Dude, ho-hum, die. Ho-hum die, dude.
That's insane. That's insane, dude.
Carlos. You're sick.
You're evil, Carlos.

Speaker 2 Right, so I get it. So I get it.
Then I start calling the management.

Speaker 2 Don't. What? That's not funny.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Stop it.

Speaker 2 You want to? I mean,

Speaker 2 you should have seen my reaction. I read, I was like,

Speaker 2 OMG. What? OMG.
What's OMG mean? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I was, oh, my God.

Speaker 2 And And then it took me a while to get up. And then the manager goes, no, he went and got a pizza.
Ah, okay.

Speaker 2 No, there was a pizza place. I guess Medix came.
He stood up and went straight to the pizza place.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not kidding. Could smell the cheese.
Yeah, so I'm like, oh, so he just went to the pizza. He goes, yeah, yeah.
The pizza plates that you went to earlier. Oh, it's good pizza.
Right?

Speaker 2 Thanks for fucking on my shelf. I hate what, you know, like when I was in Phoenix, the sirens went off.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I don't know what you mean. You mean the fire alarm? Yeah, fire alarm, I mean.
The sirens were. Well, the stand-up thing.
Gay nightclub next turn.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, yeah.

Speaker 2 Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Get ready for the ho, hum, oh, um, of, oh, um.
D, D, D, D, Jay, ho, ho. Yeah, that wasn't going on.
Look who's here. Yep.
Look how brown she is. Damn, dude.

Speaker 2 Get out of the sun. You know, she was just in Hawaii for two weeks.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It shows.
Yeah. Yeah.
It shows. It shows.
That's not how you, that phrase doesn't go there.

Speaker 2 It's supposed to be a it's supposed to be facetious that it shows. So if somebody goes, yeah, I went to five years of college.
You go, yeah, it shows. That's what that is.

Speaker 2 She goes to Hawaii for how long? Two weeks. Yeah, you don't go, it shows.
You go, oh, that's nice.

Speaker 2 So try it again. How long did you go to Hawaii for? Two weeks.
That's nice.

Speaker 2 Dude, just do it shows.

Speaker 2 I think it shows is good. That's not good.
That's true.

Speaker 2 So, hey, Carlos, bring up that.

Speaker 2 I saw a Filipino girl online. It reminded me of you.
No, I'm serious.

Speaker 2 Not her. That's not it.
I have it.

Speaker 2 But I want Bobby, just on this image, real quick.

Speaker 2 How do you like your coffee? It says.

Speaker 2 Which one of those two tones are your coffee? Because your mind might change when you see the whole cup. Oh,

Speaker 2 I love this game. Yeah.
I love the tone coffee game. So what kind of coffee? Do you like it? A lot of cream or not that much cream? Me?

Speaker 2 I thought you were asking her. Anybody can answer.

Speaker 2 I like a lot of cream.

Speaker 2 You like the far right. A lot of cream.
Yeah. Let's see what the full cup looks like.
What a democa. Yeah.
Jules, do you know her?

Speaker 2 Thank God I didn't do cream.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Thank God I didn't do cream.

Speaker 2 No, on the left? The right. No, on the left, the right.
Look at the teeth. Zoom in a little bit.
Zoom in. Pinch on that.
Are you pinching on it? I got to tell you something. The tattoos,

Speaker 2 the tattoos aren't distracting enough.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I thought this was fake, right? I thought it was like a fake. No, I've seen her face before.
You know her. No, in my TikToks, my algorithm shows her sometimes.
Really? Yeah,

Speaker 2 I love her. Yeah, yeah, I love her.

Speaker 3 The one on the left, sexy, though.

Speaker 2 Hot, yeah. But the one on the right,

Speaker 2 the one on the left. Can I ask you a question?

Speaker 2 They don't have dentists. We should do a dentist.

Speaker 2 No, let me ask you something. Dentists in the Philippines.

Speaker 2 google philippines there's dentists in the philippines

Speaker 2 i don't think so what the is that i don't know

Speaker 2 what is that i don't

Speaker 2 and if you had two teeth come on how much wood would a wood chuck chuck

Speaker 2 dentists in the philippines in cebu let's see wow how many there's three places on three in the whole

Speaker 2 70,000 islands three places by the way new dental clinic because the old one didn't make it yeah What's the first one? Cebu Dental Care. Give me reviews of Cebu Dental Care.

Speaker 2 Reviews. 4.9, pretty good.
That's good. Let's read it, though.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I had an excellent experience at Cebu Dental. No, that's a good question.
No, no, no, no. Through the accent.
Oh, sorry. Yeah.
Yeah. Through the accent.

Speaker 2 I had excellent experience at Cebu Dental Care Center. That's Indian, but I had to.

Speaker 2 Sabbaths are standing. Yeah.
Prices reasonable. Yeah.

Speaker 2 By the way, this is written by, these are all Americans. This isn't real.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I love me. The one star is two stars.
I would not return there.

Speaker 2 We had only dental checks and cleaning and polishing. Painful and useless and expensive.
Dude, 300 years ago, when you had a toothache, what the fuck would you do? Pull it out. Really?

Speaker 2 They used to pull them out. Even if it's coming on.

Speaker 2 Oh, dude, that's when you know to pull it out. Right.
So if you've got a little pain, you would start pulling it out. Yank it.

Speaker 2 Why would you keep it? Because it's only going to get infected. They're not going to do anything with it.
Wow. You know?

Speaker 2 It is crazy to think about people from like over 100 years ago who still had good teeth. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like back in the day, they used to use like some whale extract from like a little whale blubber to make cologne or perfume for whatever. Oh, right, right.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Just different ways of makeup was what?

Speaker 2 Back in the day,

Speaker 2 flower.

Speaker 2 Flowers. Berries.
No, berries. Flowers.
Yeah, berries. No blood, no?

Speaker 2 In Transylvania, there's blood. I'm kidding.
I don't know. How was my ruse?

Speaker 2 See, that's why I set it up.

Speaker 2 I'm a beat slow today.

Speaker 2 Why did you say berries?

Speaker 2 Did you ever use berries as a kid for makeup?

Speaker 3 No, but

Speaker 2 on your lips? Didn't you say that?

Speaker 3 No, but there's a tradition where, like, if you get your first period, you have to put your period blood all over your face.

Speaker 2 I'm really glad you're back.

Speaker 3 I don't know if it's just in the Philippines, but that's what you're doing.

Speaker 2 It's definitely joking about it. Just in the Philippines.
I've never heard that. Look at that.
Why women are using their period blood for face masks? Oh, that does work then.

Speaker 2 No. She's saying when you get your first.

Speaker 3 First period. I don't know.
I don't do it every period.

Speaker 2 Well, there's a terror. Despite this, culture of the use of menstrual blood is something that has been done traditionally superstitiously for years.

Speaker 2 In the Philippines, it's that if you wash your face with period blood, you'll be blessed with acne-free skin during puberty. Did that work? No.
No. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 And then, like, you have to jump like 10 times to, like.

Speaker 2 What? That's a transition.

Speaker 2 Jump like 10 times what?

Speaker 3 Just jump 10 times to, I think,

Speaker 2 shake it loose? No, just

Speaker 2 is the cork up there? You need to cork a water.

Speaker 3 I like that. My grandma did that.

Speaker 2 But you jump up and down for what reason?

Speaker 3 I think to have a longer life.

Speaker 3 I think that's it, yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude, tell me the song you guys sing when you do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No song. There's no song? Tree, kid, cheek, kid, cheek, treat, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, so this is, so she painted her face, and you do it on your first one, and then that's supposed to bless you for life. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You Koreans believe, and this used to work, when you had a Charlie horse, right?

Speaker 3 What's a Charlie horse?

Speaker 2 Come here, I'll fuck it. I'll give you one.
It's when you, it's when you have a, it's like a muscle cramp.

Speaker 2 Or there's like a buzzing.

Speaker 2 How do they say Charlie horse? What do you call it? Charlie horse. You're right, Charlie horse.
Why would you laugh at that then? I just imagine Koreans saying it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, how do you say it in Korean?

Speaker 2 Well, zoom zoom in. How do you say it in Korean? So if you had a Charlie horse, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's easier to say Charlie horse. Charlie horse.

Speaker 2 But you do this. My grandma would go,

Speaker 2 lick. I don't know how to speak Korean in it, but she goes, lick your

Speaker 2 finger.

Speaker 2 That would get rid of a Charlie horse. It really did.
No way. Yeah, when you have a Charlie horse, anyone listening, right? Do that.
It gets rid of it completely. Wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm excited for my next Charlie horse. Yeah.
I never heard. We didn't have any.

Speaker 2 You must have wise tales. Wives tales.

Speaker 2 Wives tales, wives' tales, right? Wise wives' tales. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You mean do we have anything like that? Yeah, it's like

Speaker 2 I'm trying to think of some white ones. What are the white ones? Well, it's like, you know, if you know, my dad said, you know, if you watch TV too close, you go, grandpa going to die.

Speaker 2 Stuff like that. You know what I mean? I mean, grandpa died already.
Well, yeah, you know, they say if you masturbate too much, you get hairy hands. Yeah, that's what.
That's a wife's tail.

Speaker 2 Hair would grow on your hands. That's a wife's tail.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Philippians have wives tails? Like that, like something like a superstitious thing.

Speaker 2 It's not true. Like if you wipe blood on your face after your first period,

Speaker 2 you won't get acne.

Speaker 3 Or like if you watch, if you've seen like a naked body or like porn, then you will have like a like a big like bump on your eye.

Speaker 2 Oh, a sty. A sty.
Yes, you get a sty in your eye from hair. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You get a cataract. You get a cataract.

Speaker 2 Wow. Never heard that before.
Okay, look at this one. Some of the Filipino culture, go up.
Some of the Filipino culture, the superstition is avoiding sweeping at night. Don't sweep.
Right?

Speaker 2 What is that? Don't sweep. What does sweeping at night do?

Speaker 2 I think.

Speaker 2 Let her guess.

Speaker 2 That's the fun. Sweeping at night.
What is that? Sweeping at night. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I think it's just to...

Speaker 3 Something with ghosts or like...

Speaker 2 Okay, look at that. Did she have it right? It's a sweeping at night sweeps away good fortune and attracts bad luck.
Okay, good. Don't look at the screen.
Yeah. What about cutting your nails at night?

Speaker 2 Why can't you do that? Screw trim your nails.

Speaker 3 It will not grow back.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 that makes more sense. Yeah, yeah.
Evil spirits. Don't ever sleep with wet hair in the Philippines.

Speaker 3 Oh, because you will have white hair.

Speaker 2 What? Wow, wow, that was fast. What does it say? It says you go blind.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 That's not true. That's not true.
What? Hold on. No, don't.
We love it. Don't true.
This is amazing. Okay, now.
Maybe different islands have different things. I don't know.

Speaker 2 All right, this says not going home right after awake.

Speaker 3 Like after you go to a funeral, oh, because the spirit will follow you.

Speaker 2 That's

Speaker 2 right, bingo.

Speaker 2 Itchy palms. Itchy palms.
Itchy palms. You can do pag pag to get rid of it.
Oh, if you do a puck pack. Yeah.
Cleansing ritual. Yeah.
Didn't we do a puck pag on this show?

Speaker 2 Okay. We love Filipinos, by the way, for the record.
They're our favorite people. How about not taking a home, Nick, not taking food home from away?

Speaker 2 So after a funeral, you don't take food home, right?

Speaker 3 I take food home.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay. Itchy palms.
What about itchy palms?

Speaker 3 Um, itchy palms?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, when your hands are itchy inside your hand.

Speaker 3 You'll die.

Speaker 2 Sure. This just says it's a sign of good luck to have itchy palms.
Two more. Biting your tongue.

Speaker 3 Biting. If you said, like, a.
Oh, if someone's talking shit about you. Damn.

Speaker 2 That's true. Is that true? Yeah.
Fuck yeah, dude. What about the tabitabipo?

Speaker 3 Oh, that's. I told you about this.
Like, when you're like going through like a quiet area or like a big tree, you have to say tabitabipo or else else, like the

Speaker 3 mythical creature.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, you've never fucking said this before. What are you talking about? Like, I said that before during, like, a Halloween.
I've never heard you say tabby-tabby top po before. No,

Speaker 2 give me an example. Give me an example.
Give me an example. I told you this before.

Speaker 2 It's Halloween. We're trick-or-treating.
You know what I mean? I'm dressed up as like a fat minion. Yeah.
And you're at what?

Speaker 3 Uh, soap.

Speaker 2 Okay, we're in the forest. We're lost.
Yeah. Where does this tabby tabby po?

Speaker 3 Okay, so like when you're when there's like a big tree and we're walking by a big tree okay,

Speaker 3 you're going through it. You have to say tabi tabipo.

Speaker 2 Tabbi tabi po. Tabbi pabbi po.
Tabbi tabbi po. But if we don't, what happens?

Speaker 3 Then like something bad will happen.

Speaker 2 They made a movie, guys. Tabi tabi po.
Tabi peppi. Tabi tabi po.
They're going to be able to. Go back to the list.
Go back to the list. There's one more.
Wait a minute. So you're going, by the way.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Also, soap?

Speaker 2 You're soap?

Speaker 2 Mythical things.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you think you're soap?

Speaker 2 Soap.

Speaker 2 Okay. Jumping at midnight.
Well, yeah, what about jumping in the middle at midnight? It's just for good luck. Grow taller in the new year.
Can you wear red

Speaker 2 in the Philippines? Do people wear red? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It says it's going to increase your chance of being struck by lightning. Wow.
Don't look.

Speaker 2 What is a sukkab?

Speaker 2 Sookab. Sukkab.
Sukab. Sukkab.
S-U-K-O-B. Sukkab.
Sukab. No, that's not a little bit of a tiny little bit.
Maybe a little tree. No, no, no, no, no, no.
There's a little tree you walk by.

Speaker 2 Sukkup, sukup. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. What about kapdig sagyang? You know that.
Twin bananas.

Speaker 3 Kapigna saging.

Speaker 2 Kapig ng saging.

Speaker 3 Twin bananas.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 If a woman consumes a twin banana, she'll have twins?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 That's interesting. What about scattering coins in a new house when you move into a house? You scatter change everywhere?

Speaker 3 No, but we bring rice and salt.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
So. Whenever someone's bringing rice.
These stereotypes aren't real, you're like, well,

Speaker 2 they are. Yeah.
It's very funny. You bring salt and rice to what? Salt the floor and rice the floor, right?

Speaker 3 No, you just put the rice somewhere and then put salt around it.

Speaker 3 It's like for good fortune and like the spirits, bad spirits, home calm.

Speaker 2 Could I put carpaccio on there too and just eat it afterwards? No, you can't eat it.

Speaker 2 The Italians are like, when we buy a new house, we put down mortadella on the floor.

Speaker 2 We do a little chant called Hungy, Hungy Hippos.

Speaker 2 Wow, it's so strange. Avoid mirrors opposite the front door.
You can't have a mirror directly across from the front door. That's bad luck.

Speaker 2 Covering mirrors is bad luck in Filipino culture, it says.

Speaker 2 Placing a chick on a coffin, like a baby chicken on a coffin?

Speaker 2 That's that. I don't know.

Speaker 2 Oh, cool. Let's cut it out.
You know what? Fancy Spain has a lot of weird supers. I'm sure you guys have just as many weirdo ones.
You know, Spain's got some stupid ones. What is

Speaker 2 Joe? The grapes at midnight. Remember, we did that one time.
It's the dumbest shit on earth. That is not superstitious.
Yeah, they're just supposed to wish you good.

Speaker 2 You're supposed to have, then you have good luck. That's a fun thing.
No hats on the bed in Spain considered bad luck to put a hat on your bed.

Speaker 2 Well, that was in the movie Drugstore Cowboy.

Speaker 2 Drugstore June? No, Drugstore. You ever see Drugstore Cowboy? No, I've seen Ryan.
Just Van Sand directed it with Matt Dylan. And there was this scene.

Speaker 2 They steal drugs from pharmacies. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 It's just like Drugstore June.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And Matt Dylan, one of the, I think Heather Graham sticks a fucking hat on the bed. And then Matt Dylan goes all ape shit because now they're going to have like six weeks of bad luck.
Whoa. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it, it, I went to Buck Wild last night.

Speaker 2 You went to the strip club Buck Wild? Yeah. Why'd you do that, bud?

Speaker 2 Because the club that I played,

Speaker 2 they knew the manager. Oh, they did.

Speaker 2 And a Samoan guy showed up and he drove me an hour like 45 minutes outside of the city and I went to Buck Wild and I drove 45 minutes back really quickly after that. How long were you there?

Speaker 2 Five hours.

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Speaker 2 Chime checking account required. What have you been doing? You went to Hawaii?

Speaker 3 Yeah, and I've been surfing. That's why I'm like really town.

Speaker 2 You really, yeah, you are really. Are you getting good? I don't know.
This is what Trump was talking about.

Speaker 2 They come here, they surf all day.

Speaker 2 They don't do anything anymore. Just surfers.
Are you scared? You must be scared. I don't know.
ICE is coming.

Speaker 3 But then they're also saying, like, even with visas, people are getting deported. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What island did you go to in Hawaii? Oahu. Oahu.

Speaker 2 You guys like that.

Speaker 2 Well, they only have a place.

Speaker 2 They own a place out there. I know.
Yeah. I know.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's fun.
You surfed all day and then you ate poke. Yeah.
All day. That's all you do, right? Poke.
I'm going to go in a couple months. I'm going to Hawaii Theater.
I'm going to do a show there.

Speaker 2 You're doing a stand-up show? Yeah. Wow.
Just come out. It'll be fun.
No, thank you. Why?

Speaker 2 You know, it's so funny. I drive to your fucking shows and do guest spots.
Yeah, because they're great.

Speaker 2 I know, but I don't think you would ever go to a different city for me. Oh, of course I would.
That's silly. Yeah.
Why not Hawaii? Neil Brennan's going to go. Well, there you go.
You got a white.

Speaker 2 No, no, I want several whites. He's the number one white.
Neil Brennan? What is that? Oh, that's it. Friday, June 6th.
Yep, June 6th. Come.

Speaker 2 Uh-oh. Who's here?

Speaker 2 What's that?

Speaker 2 You know who it is. Crazy.
Oh, there it is. Crazy face.
There it is. There's crazy boy.
He's crazy. There comes Nutso.
He's nuts. Who is it? You'll know.
You'll know when you see it. You know what?

Speaker 2 You can't tell from the whistle. That's yeah.
Corporate comedy's coming.

Speaker 2 Corporate comedy is coming to town. Coming to town.
AGT.

Speaker 2 You ever see America's Got Talent? Yeah. You ever seen America's Got Talent? Yeah.
Do you like that show? You like that show? It's okay. Yeah, I know.
Me too. See that.

Speaker 2 You fucking freak it in here. That's his bait whistle.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 You're safe. You're safe.
You're safe. Whoa.

Speaker 2 Howie Kungbango Mangondo is safe.

Speaker 2 Guys, Howie Mandel. Howie Mandel's here, everybody, ladies and gentlemen.
Howie Mandel.

Speaker 2 Yay.

Speaker 2 We love Howie. Howie.
You've met Jewel him before, right? You met Howie. Yeah, yeah.
She's the best. I am.
Are those Rick Owens? What are you wearing there? What are you talking about? Your shoes.

Speaker 2 Skechers.

Speaker 2 These are Snoop Dogg's Skechers. Oh, really nice.
I have Skechers. I'm an ambassador for Skechers.

Speaker 2 Why are you laughing at that? Which is a weird thing to say. You know what's great about Snoop Dogg? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Tell us.

Speaker 2 I think the best part about Snoop is he's really reserved himself. He doesn't do too much.
Right. He will say no.
He's like Kevin Hart.

Speaker 2 He's like Kevin Hart in the world. He says no a lot.
He really does. Like Snoop.
Like, can you name any products that Snoop's attached to? Or anything he's doing? You name me things. Not or

Speaker 2 not. Skechers.
Skechers.

Speaker 2 These are actually, these are called Skechers, and they're slip-ins because you don't even need the laces are nothing. You slip in, you slip out.

Speaker 2 We're doing ads for Sketchers now.

Speaker 2 I'm doing ads. Howie.
I do for Sketchers. Howie Mandel is here.
Howie Hardson. David figure, ladies and gentlemen.
And Howie's brought his family. That's your son.
Your whole family.

Speaker 2 And I've met you before?

Speaker 2 No?

Speaker 2 I don't think so. Who else is there? Is it your daughter?

Speaker 2 No, I didn't. My daughter.
Who did you bring, Alex? Your wife. Alex, who did you bring? Your girlfriend?

Speaker 2 Are you seeing her? No.

Speaker 2 You guys are just friends? Yeah. How old are you? 35.
Oh, dude. He's 35.
Alex, are you married?

Speaker 2 No, I'm not. No.

Speaker 2 Is she married? I live vicariously through my son on Instagram. Oh, you do? Yeah, he's got a model rescue service.
I've talked about this before. I mean, what do you have to do? It's really nice.

Speaker 2 What he does is he takes in like wounded models and nurses them back to health. Yeah.
And once he feels that they're able to talk about commitment, he kind of just

Speaker 2 sends them back. Curiously.
Andrew, Andrew, Howie Mendel mastermind must be such an ordeal.

Speaker 2 He's just like, okay, I got it. And I got the dynastics.
And then, okay.

Speaker 2 Okay, come on. Okay.

Speaker 2 Put the wall up.

Speaker 2 I mean, what the fuck, dude? Yeah, I use a glory hole on myself. Wow.
I have to reach around the wall. Wow.
I don't want to get any.

Speaker 2 Do you still, old man, do you still masturbate?

Speaker 2 This is like a bad episode of

Speaker 2 Foo. Yeah, yeah.
Old man, do you still masturbate? Old man.

Speaker 2 Wait, Howie, do you still or no?

Speaker 2 I'm doing it. That's why I got my legs crossed right now.
Oh, I see. I see.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
I do. Wow.

Speaker 2 I do son I still masturbate

Speaker 2 are you glad you showed up with me yeah can you give them a play-by-play

Speaker 2 she wants to know more I mean do you watch things Howie or do you

Speaker 2 yeah I watch videos of people washing their hands

Speaker 2 very good very good

Speaker 2 bother you that I brought a whistle yeah no I like the whistle I like the whistle I love the whistle is my new thing I'm gonna make that my thing

Speaker 2 you're the guy because there's so many there's so many people out there look at her face off concerned Julie. Why are you concerned? What are you concerned about?

Speaker 2 Well, because women usually have practical uses for whistles. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I just don't understand.

Speaker 2 It's hard for a man to make sense. A whistle.

Speaker 3 Well, what do you do?

Speaker 3 What's the point?

Speaker 2 You blow.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Now do you understand?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Why do you look like you're in pain? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. You're really enjoying me.
That's her. No, she's always like that.
That's her disposition. I live with her.

Speaker 2 I know you live with her. I met her at your house.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the thing is, that you have a very pained look on your face, like there's a problem.

Speaker 3 That's my normal face.

Speaker 2 Well, it isn't normal. I'm telling you, it's not normal.
Julia, is there like a Filipinos got talent?

Speaker 2 Julia. No, but we have a lot of Filipinos on the show who have talent.
I know.

Speaker 2 The guy that can sing with two voices. That's that guy's the best.
Wait, what's his first name?

Speaker 2 Marcelo? Marcelo. Yeah.
Who he is? Oh, yeah. I love him.
Hernandez from SNL. No, he does.
No, no. Dude, he is the most talented singer you've ever heard in your life.

Speaker 2 He does deep voices and then he has an angelic voice on top of it. That dude do voices, like he does a duet with himself.

Speaker 2 He will fuck you up, this guy. Yeah.
The greatest singer on it. Kills Freddy Mercury.
Kills anybody. Wow.
What do you mean? Wow. I'm telling you right now, the Philippines rule.
That's a bold claim.

Speaker 2 Play some.

Speaker 2 All right, there we go. Just do the first one.

Speaker 2 You see how Zans are on the table? This is how he jerks off.

Speaker 2 To himself. Oh, wow.
He sings to himself like a pretty girl.

Speaker 2 It's the same guy.

Speaker 2 That's the same guy. These are your people.
Why are you laughing? It's good.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Oh, you're not impressed? I think Andrew can do it. You could do it.
Oh, yeah. Try it, Anne.
From where you're from, they have lepregons jumping up and down with fucking rainbow, and you think

Speaker 2 that's not good? It's not good. Are you kidding me? Can you do better? Yeah.
Do it then.

Speaker 2 I'm going to sing to you. There's no way.
Give me the lyrics, dude. Here we go.
We're all gonna sing it. Give me the lyrics.
Are you doing the female part? Give me the lyrics, dude.

Speaker 2 I got it. Yes.
I'm tone.

Speaker 2 Oh, there we go. There it is.
Here we go. Zoom in real good.
All right.

Speaker 2 What the fuck? Tails.

Speaker 2 Tale as old as time.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 True as it can be.

Speaker 2 Barely even friends,

Speaker 2 then somebody bends

Speaker 2 unexpectedly.

Speaker 2 Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Just a little.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. Got to do the girl.

Speaker 2 That is the girl. Yeah, yeah.
What are you doing? You're not even in. Oh, you're not even in tune, dude.
You're perceptive. You're playing the Russian boxer.
Yeah. I didn't realize that.

Speaker 2 Women can't sound that way. Oh, I know what you're.
Oh, dude. Yeah, you're right.
They can't politically later, man. You're right.
Way to to go, guys. See what you did.

Speaker 2 Way to put yourself in the corner. The worst singer here is you.

Speaker 2 Can you sing? Sing one of them. Sing one line.
Oh my god. Yeah, here we go.
Here we go.

Speaker 3 Just a little change.

Speaker 2 Not bad.

Speaker 2 Horrible. It's not bad.
Horrible. It's not bad.
I'm a professional talent judge.

Speaker 3 That sucks. But can you sing?

Speaker 2 Thank you. No, I got you.
What gives you the right, however, whenever I'm watching that show, what gives you the right to go, oh, that's good singing?

Speaker 2 I don't see it. You're a comedian.
I say I like it. Maybe it's not everybody's taste.
I like it.

Speaker 2 You just heard her. I don't like it.

Speaker 2 I don't like it. I see how that is.
I'm telling you, I don't like it.

Speaker 2 The other judges, two people in the room, you guys like it. Yeah.
You're, and I'm being honest with you, and that this is not television and it's not network. You sing like shit.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. You're trying to break her heart.
Daughter to me, dude.

Speaker 2 Don't cry, Jules. Don't cry.
No, I know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you do. You sing like shit.
Yeah, I'm being honest with you. And I don't want you because I care about you.

Speaker 2 I don't want you to think you're good and then go out into the world and be disappointed. And I feel like I'm doing a service.

Speaker 2 How many years have you been on that show? 16. It's time to get off.

Speaker 2 I wanted to say that, but thank you for that. It's time to wrap it up.
It's a long one. Alex, what do you think? How do you feel? Does he need to wrap it up?

Speaker 2 Do you want dad to get off the show and get back home to taking care of you?

Speaker 2 Taking care of him? Well, he's 35. He's obviously stunted.
He brought in a beautiful woman that he's buddies with. Yeah, but he's moving out in the next couple of weeks.
We are so excited.

Speaker 2 You still live at home? No. Where do you live? Here, you live in LA? Santa Monica.
Santa Monica. Beautiful.
I want to live on the west side. I know that's.
You can see where I live.

Speaker 2 I know where you live. Santa Monica.

Speaker 2 But you're a great father. You have been a great father.
I have been a great father. And I know a little bit about you.
We've been friends for a while. Yeah, I've been a great time.

Speaker 2 I'm a wonderful person. You are a great person.
You're a great guy. No, can we just keep this going? Yeah.
I'm a wonderful. You really are.

Speaker 2 And how fucking lucky are you guys and you to have me on this episode? Huge. This is

Speaker 2 huge.

Speaker 2 What are you doing? I mean, the numbers will go down, but it's not about the numbers.

Speaker 2 Huge, not about the numbers.

Speaker 2 It's not about the numbers. It's about the soul.
Well, it's like, you know, guy, check this out. You know, there's some art house movies that no one watches, but.

Speaker 2 This is, you know what I mean? This is an art house episode. Yeah, yeah, you know, like the new movie Companion.
No one saw it, but people love it. People love it.
Like the critics.

Speaker 2 So that's good. So, you know, that's all.
We're going to lose money on the YouTube channel.

Speaker 2 It's not about making money. It's about doing quality stuff.
And this is quality. This feels like quality.

Speaker 2 You've done a bunch of these episodes of this one. How do you feel about this one versus some of the other episodes that you've been a part of?

Speaker 3 Completely honest. Well, when they said that someone from

Speaker 3 AGT was coming, I thought it was Simon Cowell.

Speaker 2 What are you saying?

Speaker 3 I just thought that.

Speaker 2 And then what you're trying trying to say is you were ready for Simon Cowell. And then when I showed up, you went, fuck, this is like a surprise.
They went, they low-balled me.

Speaker 2 And where you go, Simon, Heidi, who's on this? Heidi's not on it anymore. Yeah, but still Heidi still.
It's for me. Mel B.
Mel B.

Speaker 2 And then Sophia Vegara. Yeah.
And then are you four? I mean,

Speaker 2 where are you? And there are all the people that have come and gone. You're 10 years.
And you're still there.

Speaker 2 You know who I replaced? You're the Keenan Thompson of English. Let me guess.
I know Howard Stern. No.
Okay. I was there with Howard Stern.
I replaced David Hasselhoff. The Hoff

Speaker 2 after the

Speaker 2 Cheeseburger incident, huh?

Speaker 2 That's why

Speaker 2 the nickname for our show is Jew Watch.

Speaker 2 Regis Sam Donnelly. Now, I don't know who that is.
No, those aren't judges. That's our executive producer.
Oh. Regis was the first host.
He was. He was the first host.

Speaker 2 Then he was followed by Jerry Springer, became the host. Who's Jason Raff? He was executive producer.
And then Nick Cannon became the host.

Speaker 2 And then I think the big black guy. He's my favorite guy.
Terry Cruz. Yeah, I like him.
He's my favorite. He likes to be called what you just called him.
Is he not a big black guy? He is. Okay, good.

Speaker 2 But he likes his name. And if somebody, if I was on it, that little fan

Speaker 2 from White Chicks? No. I've never met him.

Speaker 2 He was in White Chicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So who's on still now? You, me, Simon, Simon, Cardi B.

Speaker 2 That's Melby. Oh, I don't know.
You can't put it it Mel and Cardi out. Cardi would be a good get.
So you, Simon Melby. And Sophia Vegar.
Sophia Vegar.

Speaker 2 And? And? No, that's it. No, that's it.
Terry Cruz is the host. Terry's always been the host.
Right, Nick. No, he hasn't.
Before him was.

Speaker 2 And then it was Tyra Banks. Yes.
Howie, can you look at Simon? Just be real. And just look at him, lock eyes with him, and go, enough of that.

Speaker 2 What is that?

Speaker 2 What does that mean?

Speaker 2 Enough of that.

Speaker 2 You know, that looks, it's amazing what you're able to do. You're like a Korean joke.
I like Simon Kong. Wow.

Speaker 2 If people just tuned in now and didn't know they were watching this, if they're watching on YouTube, they would, that's uncanny how, because I sit with them daily. There we go.
Look at that.

Speaker 2 Look at it. Do that.
And then look at that. Put it side by side.

Speaker 2 I know. I got it.
Sitting still. Yeah, yeah.
We know how old you are, dude. I'm old.
Yeah, but you look good.

Speaker 2 And you've had no face work. I have no face work.
Exactly.

Speaker 2 Because we like natural beings.

Speaker 2 Right? Look at, I had. Believe it or not, no face work.
I had testicular liposuction. You know?

Speaker 2 I had testicular liposuction. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You really got them sucked? I try.

Speaker 2 I try. I want to.

Speaker 2 I'm old. I'm going to be 70 this year.

Speaker 2 That's incredible. That's incredible.
What's up for the 70th birthday? Can I ask you also those pants? Are those USPS pants?

Speaker 2 I swear to God, the woman that delivers my mail, I wears the exact same fucking pants. I'm not even getting.
You're wearing ladies' mail pants?

Speaker 2 Ladies' mail pants. M-I-A-I-L.

Speaker 2 I love what you did. There she is.
There's my girl that's from the neighborhood. Oh, my God.
I am wearing mail.

Speaker 2 Alex, I want to say about your dad, though.

Speaker 2 One of the greatest guys to ever live. But he's also fashionable.
Yeah, he is very fashionable. Am I fashionable? Yeah.
Always. Why do you dress all Midwest? Like,

Speaker 2 why do I wear you? Yeah. I dress Midwest.
I mean, he's just a standard, like, you know solid color solid color he's very like

Speaker 2 you know um electric functions

Speaker 2 look at my son and i know he's off camera but if you look at him he's dressed exactly like my wife

Speaker 2 keep it in the family yeah that's what he does how he yes so if

Speaker 2 i've never seen you buzz somebody like it's not good you there's an ex-buzzle no i do it a lot really yeah probably more than anybody like if i went up there watched the show like if i went up there you really watched the show like if i went up there and like no music and i was just like

Speaker 2 buzz you know who you just did no i won't buzz because there's a find this urian retriever

Speaker 2 urian retriever it's why you are that was embarrassing urian retriever dancing okay maybe she does it this is what you just reminded me of did she make it

Speaker 2 No, but it's

Speaker 2 so fucking funny. Wait, this is what you just look like

Speaker 2 when she was dancing. Go to the dancing.
Go to the dancing. Tell me this is not Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying. That's exactly what I'm saying.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 That's what I just did. That was.
Bobby Lee. Dude, that's.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, Simon. Oh, really? Now I bust your face, Simon.
I know. We're dancing.
Yeah, yeah. Look at that.
Isn't that you?

Speaker 2 So why don't you come on and do it? You can make a.

Speaker 2 And at that season, Julianne Huff was there, who is a dance expert, and put her through. He's the big black guy I like.

Speaker 2 I think this is why America's in debt.

Speaker 2 This is why we're in the hole, man. Why? Because of Urien.

Speaker 2 What is Urian? I didn't understand. Her name is Urian Retriever.

Speaker 2 Okay. Her name is Urien Retriever? I thought that was an animal.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Golden Retriever is an animal. Yeah, but it means Urian.
Urien is her name. Oh,

Speaker 2 she looks very different.

Speaker 2 Yeah. There she is.
Yeah. But she's not what you're looking at shots of her not dancing.
Yeah. When she dances.
I like the dance. I think she's cute.
Take it away. You should have her on the show.

Speaker 2 Yeah. She lives here.
Really? Yeah. Single, you think? Yes.
I know she is. Great.

Speaker 2 You keep up with everyone who's ever contested on the show. I've heard.
I keep up with everybody.

Speaker 2 You know that he's got the cell phone number of everyone that's ever tried to get. I don't know the cell phone, but I DM everybody.
Yeah. I do.
Do you want to meet Urien?

Speaker 2 No, but you know the one that you put her on the one that you gave I think a golden ticket to what's it Grace Thunderbolt?

Speaker 2 Grace Thunderbolt? Yeah, what's her name? Grace Thunderbolt. The singer.

Speaker 2 I think you're thinking of Grace Vanderwald. Yeah, that one.
Yeah, Grace. Yeah, yeah, Grace.
Grace Thunderbolt. She's so good.
I want to talk to Urien. Howie, what are you going to do for your 70s?

Speaker 2 I was kidding, Howie. Don't call her.
I'm going to call her. Oh, Howie.
You're single. Howie?

Speaker 2 What? Here she is. Howie, don't call her, dude.
I'm going to call her. Oh, my God.
Well, let him call her. You never know what you'll get out of that.
I'll tell her to go on.

Speaker 2 She's on FaceTime? Maybe. Okay.
I'll see if it works. I'm going to do an accent, though, for sure.
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Mom, Bobby Mom. Yeah, and she, my mom, when I sent her to the flowers, she said, what geese? And she loved every single one.
She did what I love with the flower.

Speaker 2 She's

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Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, here, here we go.

Speaker 2 No, do not do that.

Speaker 2 Retriever.

Speaker 2 I'll do that. Like a

Speaker 2 rook, rook.

Speaker 2 No, you're on. Doctor, stop that.
You stop that. Rook, rook.
Oh, watch. I'm just practicing.

Speaker 2 Oh, let me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, let me leave a message.

Speaker 2 Let me. No?

Speaker 2 Towie.

Speaker 2 There's no way her real name is Retriever.

Speaker 2 Pretty stuck on that. Really?

Speaker 2 A million followers, though? Yeah, no. Killing it.
She's a dancer. I know.
She loves dance. Well, yes, she did.
Well, not enough you didn't put her through.

Speaker 2 I didn't have it because other people didn't get it. I didn't know.
Because of fucking Simon. Oh, Simon.
He doesn't understand dance like I do.

Speaker 2 Who do you really love working with? Truly, truly, truly. Who really could you work with the ego? You know, I really enjoy that person a lot.

Speaker 2 I enjoy Sophia Vegara. She's great, huh? You should hear her on.

Speaker 2 Not only that, she's funny. And funny.
I've never noticed her looks. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Really? That's not how I view people.
He goes right to that beautiful thing. I think smart, sweet.

Speaker 2 That pudgy Asian girl. I said, she was good.
Okay, dude. Why are you making fun of somebody that looks exactly like you? Yeah, that's why I can do it, right? No.

Speaker 2 If it is you, you can do it. That's right.
If they look like you you and it's not you, you can't do it. Kiwi fruit?

Speaker 2 What are you saying?

Speaker 4 I can say kiwi fruit.

Speaker 2 Kiwi fruit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've asked, but I am really interested.

Speaker 2 What is 70th birthday going to be?

Speaker 2 That's a big deal. I'm going to throw it myself.

Speaker 2 It's going to be a surprise.

Speaker 2 Are we invited to your party? I'm not telling anybody. No, I'm going to plan it, but I'm not going to tell anyone.
I'm going to park way down the street.

Speaker 2 And then I'm going to hide behind my door and wait for nothing. I don't want to celebrate.

Speaker 2 All kidding aside, I'm not celebrating. Do a party.

Speaker 2 You're not going to celebrate your 70th birthday. I don't want to.
I don't like birthdays anymore. Yeah, yeah.
Why not? I'm fucking 70. Yeah, but 70 is a big deal.
Here's the thing.

Speaker 2 She's never going to get there. Do it for her.
How old are you? 23. These people go fast.
They go fast.

Speaker 2 I was more than a decade older than you when you were born. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, I'm the thing about me. Look at me.

Speaker 2 You look young. Yeah, you do.
I'm going to die soon. No, you're not.
I am. You're going to be like that one guy.

Speaker 2 Who's the one guy that didn't die soon? He's 99. What's his name?

Speaker 2 Dick Van Dyke.

Speaker 2 Dick Van Dyke.

Speaker 2 But even that. You're going to be like that.
29 years.

Speaker 2 29 years, which is even older than. So I've only got another 29.
No, I'm not. You got a long time.
You got a long time, dude.

Speaker 2 How many more appearances on this podcast do you think I've got left in me in the rest of my life? Yeah. Who seg.

Speaker 2 Honestly,

Speaker 2 ask AI how much longer Howie has to live. Yeah, ask when Howie Man, how much longer will Howie Mandel live?

Speaker 2 And then three years from now, you're going to be still doing that show and the androids are going to be meaningful. Are you going to wait to air this like to the day before this says?

Speaker 2 And then that way, this is. We'll usually hold this stuff out.
If you die, this is going to be a banger. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wouldn't that be great for you? It is impossible to. Think about how great.
Look at that. Zoom in.

Speaker 2 It is impossible to predict how long any individual will live, including public figures like Howie Mandel.

Speaker 2 Life expectancy depends on many factors, including genetics, lifestyle choice, medical conditions, and even chance.

Speaker 2 However, Howie Mandel, like anyone else, will live as long as his health and circumstances allow. No one can know for sure how long, probably the next four years.
Fuck.

Speaker 2 That's pretty astute. Yeah.

Speaker 2 See? But you're going to go for a long time. You're a healthy guy.
Well, you exercise. I do.
And you exercise your brain daily.

Speaker 2 That's just as important. That's what they say.

Speaker 2 If the noodle is activated. Is that what they say? They say a healthy brain is a healthier life for sure.
Do you ever see Life in the Blue Zones? Do you ever watch that? No, what is that?

Speaker 2 Like, that's what the Blue Zones, I know what it is. It's the blue zone.
It's the areas in the world where people live the longest. And they say that.
And they have a series?

Speaker 2 Yeah, they did a Netflix series. Is Okinawa a blue zone? It was.
What happened? Godzilla. Godzilla.
Oh, fuck. Yeah, it's a green zone.
When he goes to

Speaker 2 the house, it's based on life in the Jew zones. Life in the Jew zones.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They don't live long, but they complain about

Speaker 2 everything.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But, Howie, I want to say something.

Speaker 2 Don't. I think.
I do. No, I really don't.
I totally do. I really do.
I think Saturday. May I?

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Say what do you want to say? You know, I act a certain way when I'm around you, but really, I'm not.
Do you act a certain way? Yeah, I try to be confident around you.

Speaker 2 Like, I'm the guy, or whatever. But it's like, at the end of the day,

Speaker 2 I've always been a fan of yours. Like, when I, you and Arsinio doing that tour together.
Yeah. Yeah.
And I just love both of you guys. So it's.

Speaker 2 You've got shit all over your. What is it? She just a lot of shit.

Speaker 2 You didn't brush your teeth for this fucking thing? I just want to say that I'm just, you didn't even brush your teeth.

Speaker 2 How big a fan could you be if you got you just like you don't even know you wouldn't even take care of yourself? Howie, my dad comes you didn't even floss.

Speaker 2 So, Howie, what time do you go to bed at night?

Speaker 2 Are you sending me to bed now? No, no, no, no. No, we're gonna.
I do want to know. Yeah, what time do you at night? I feel like you don't get good sleep.
I don't. Exactly.
You don't. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because I don't. You think too much.
I can't sleep. Yeah.
You think too much. I don't know what's going on.
I know what it is. You've told me.
I'm a mess. You're a mess.
You told me what it's called.

Speaker 2 can i tell you what it is yeah

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 what it is is this

Speaker 2 it's you you keep going you you can't sit down because when you sit down yeah you start thinking and then you get all up i get all

Speaker 2 you keep going and you have to constantly work work work work i got you need a therapist i know and you didn't make me happy thinking i'm gonna live for a long time

Speaker 2 This is too, it's too tiring. Yeah, yeah.
But you need help. I do.
Do you think or no? Alex, do you think? I get help. Yeah.

Speaker 2 As I sit here, I'm incredibly medicated okay yes what are you on i'm not i'm a gun i don't tell my my but i am on medication i'm a riddle person you're on medication yeah oh right right well that's healthy that's good if you're if you feel good do you feel at bay you feel balanced or you feel held back i feel numb oh

Speaker 2 that good no is that good no you got to feel stuff hey howie were you shut up

Speaker 2 howie yeah back in the day at the comedy store days because you know me him and i still go to the store a lot yeah i go sometimes Do you see me there?

Speaker 2 I know, but are there guys that like you didn't like? They're still around. Oh, yeah.
We like this kind of talk.

Speaker 2 Who used to be back in the day? Who's back in the day who's like, you have a little

Speaker 2 quam with? Nobody. Let me throw some names out.
Okay. Dice.

Speaker 2 How is Dice? He was nice to me. He actually, and he came on my podcast and talked about how he took some of my material.

Speaker 2 He stole from you. He took

Speaker 2 roses are red. Violets are blue.

Speaker 2 You are schizophrenic. I am schizophrenic, and so am I, was mine.
Wow. And then he did it.
But he says that. I love him now.
Have you been watching him lately? Who else stole that?

Speaker 2 Have you been watching him? Yeah, he's great. Yeah.
No, but

Speaker 2 on his Instagram, where he goes up to people and he says, take a picture with me. Yeah.
And they don't know who the fuck is. That's he's hysterical.
He's hysterical.

Speaker 2 And now he's got John Lovitz with him.

Speaker 2 Do you know what the line you just said? Do you know who else stole that? You know where that's from? Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.
You wrote that? I wrote that.

Speaker 2 Do you know what it is? 19 movie that's in?

Speaker 2 No. That's in.

Speaker 2 You don't know either. That's the beauty of it.
No, I do know. This is crazy.
My brain just went blank. You know, a lot of shit of mine got stolen when I was a kid.

Speaker 2 No, no, it's Richard Dreyfus and fucking Bill Murray. It's, it's what about Bob? It's in What About Bob? The scene where he is in the mental hospital.
He says, there it is.

Speaker 2 Rosa Red, Valets and Blue, I'm a Schizophrenic, and so am I. Right there.
I called it up. I wrote that in 1970.
But you know, something. I remember that fucking clip.
Can you sue? No.

Speaker 2 You know, I tried to make suits originally one of my look. They made a fucking meme of it.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I remember that so vividly.

Speaker 2 They stole that from you. No, it didn't stay.
He did it. He heard me do it, and then he did it.
No, but that's to put it in a movie.

Speaker 2 He came on. Well, this I don't know.
I didn't know it was.

Speaker 2 Why did you do that to Bill Burr?

Speaker 2 I feel so bad.

Speaker 2 I feel bad. Why would you told me to go? No, why would myself

Speaker 2 people want to beat me up? Why would you go to the king and trap him?

Speaker 2 You want me to be honest? What are you trying to do, dude?

Speaker 2 I tried to do something nice.

Speaker 2 I thought I was doing something nice.

Speaker 2 Don't you think it's nice to bring family together? Yeah, but if you're not honest before, it's kind of like the whistle. It's called the surprise.

Speaker 2 It's a surprise.

Speaker 2 That was a whistle. Yeah, that was a whistle.
So,

Speaker 2 what was that all about, guy?

Speaker 2 Billy Corrigan came on my show and told a story that he'd never told before. It wasn't even a bit that I planned.

Speaker 2 The plan was,

Speaker 2 Billy Corrigan was was on going to do my podcast. And I said,

Speaker 2 you know, here's, this will be funny. I'm going to just say that Bill Burr is doing the podcast and we'll never cop to the fact that you're Billy Corgan.

Speaker 2 And I'll, I'll, we'll talk. You'll answer questions as Bill Burr.
He goes, nah, I don't want to do that, but do you know my Bill Burr story? And I said, no, I don't know your Bill Burr story.

Speaker 2 I said, I never told it before. Can I tell it on your show? Go ahead.
Tell me your Bill Burr story.

Speaker 2 So he told me that his mother or stepmother told him that there's a famous comedian who has a really good chance of being your brother. Yeah.
You heard the story. I'm not going to repeat it.
I did it.

Speaker 2 But maybe the audience has it. Do you want me to tell it again?

Speaker 2 It's Billy Corrigan's story. Billy Corrigan said that his family

Speaker 2 was a

Speaker 2 slanderer. Yeah.
Yeah. A musician who,

Speaker 2 you know, had fun. He did meet and greets.
Right. You know, and he liked me, didn't shake hands.
He just put his music.

Speaker 2 But I mean, it doesn't make any sense because Bill Burr and Billy Corrigan both knew their dads, right?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Individually, did they know their dads? Like, did they know who they know who they think their dad is? Yes. Oh, they never physically saw their dad then.

Speaker 2 No, they physically, just because a guy lives in your house with your mother doesn't make him your dad.

Speaker 2 Very nice. Very good.

Speaker 2 I never thought, yeah, yeah. Let's see somebody steal that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But is he Bill mad? Is Bill still mad? Not Corrigan Burr. Yeah, Burr's mad.
Burr's never mad. I know.
He's not mad? I've never seen Burr mad. I don't think I've ever seen Burr upset.

Speaker 2 He internalizes it. I think he's mad.
He talked about me on the rich diagram. Are you guys fucking here right now? Is this a comedy? That was irony.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, yo.

Speaker 2 My bad.

Speaker 2 Dude, I'm off today. I'm off.
What the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 2 Is he ironic?

Speaker 2 Oh, very good.

Speaker 2 He cut out. Because he's really not that.
Yeah, he's not. Are you going to get that part where you told us that we didn't react properly? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's so good.

Speaker 2 You edit that out, and then you just get the no, no. Yeah.
The audience at home will get it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We have to let them get it. You know, sometimes

Speaker 2 so then

Speaker 2 Bill Burr was on my show just to promote his upcoming Hulu special. Hulu special and the fact that he was going to be on Broadway.
Yeah. And all that.
Gay. All right.
Go ahead.

Speaker 2 I have to say, whenever I hear the word, I'm sorry. That's instinct.
I apologize. Hulu?

Speaker 2 Gay.

Speaker 2 So then, what? Oh, so anyway, what I was,

Speaker 2 so I said, I called up Billy,

Speaker 2 who does work in my space because he said he was going to.

Speaker 2 Anyway, I called and I said, Billy Corgan works in your space? Yeah. What is he doing there? A podcast.

Speaker 2 He's got a fucking podcast? Uh-huh. Gee, everyone's got a space.
It's called The Magnificent Others.

Speaker 2 That's what it's called?

Speaker 2 It going well? I don't know. I don't look at numbers.
I'm not here for numbers.

Speaker 2 You know, since his band was Smashing Pumpkins, the podcast should be called Picking Up the Pieces.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that is. I feel like that would have been more in line with the.
My favorite album of all time, Gish. The Gish.

Speaker 2 You remember Gish? Oh, yeah. The very first one.
Smashing Pumpkins. Smashing Pumpkins, phenomenal.
Phenomenal. What city is he from? One, two, three.
Chicago. Chicago.
The best. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can you ask him if I want to do it? Okay. I'm sure he'd love to have you.
Yeah, yeah. I would love to do it.
I'm sure he'd love to. You want me to phone him now?

Speaker 2 I'd be so nervous to meet him. Yeah, he doesn't want to meet meet me now.
I'm a huge fan. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, it's like...

Speaker 2 I phoned you. I can't believe.

Speaker 2 You know, anyway, the point is, he was in my building.

Speaker 2 How did they never cast Billy Corgan in fucking FX is what we do in the shadow?

Speaker 2 I know. It's like, dude.
It's incredible. No hair, no makeup.
Yeah. No, but honestly, I'm not kidding when I say this.
You got to let us throw you a 70th birthday party. Let us do it.
Let us do it.

Speaker 2 I'll do it. No, I'm dead serious.
I think it's important. It would be great to celebrate with bad friends.
Can we do it? Bob, can we really? I would love to do it. All right.

Speaker 2 I don't want to start a fight with you, but I'd have to say it. We get it.
You know, John Mayer. Let's move on.

Speaker 2 We went to the show this week. Yeah, we get it.
But anyway,

Speaker 2 I know you went to Vegas. I'm not allowed to wear the shirt of the fucking hat.
Hey, look who I'm friends with.

Speaker 2 You know what's funny about that? Fucking disgusting. I know that.
You might not back me up. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 You're so grown. That's right.
I asked you to be on the podcast this week, and you could have said, no, I got things to do.

Speaker 2 But you were very specific about telling me I'm going to Vegas to see the dick.

Speaker 2 I'm going. Yeah.
That's what he does. I think I have him.
I think I have to do that. That's what I did.
I did. I go, I'm going to Vegas.
Did you go backstage?

Speaker 2 No. You didn't? No.
You didn't see John one time? Nope.

Speaker 2 You stopped three times. He lied and he lies.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, three times. Had lunch? Meals? No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.
Nothing. Did you get him for free?

Speaker 2 Did you get him for free? Oh, yeah. No, I pay.

Speaker 2 No. Are you out of your fucking mind, Howie? I pay.
This guy is the Celtics in the front row

Speaker 2 with Shaquille and Humphreys and all those guys.

Speaker 2 Shaquille Humphreys. Have you seen Shaquille Humphreys play ball? Amazing.
This guy's got handles. His big hand.
I know you're a good seat. You're sitting in Tracy Morgan's puke.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So my point is, is that he went, had a jolly time. Had a great time.
Yeah. You know.
He's jealous. Who's the

Speaker 2 most famous person you know?

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 2 Everybody. I mean, it's such a dumb fucking question.

Speaker 2 Such a loser, fucking dumb question. Take your headphones off and walk outside.
Go smoke. Where are you going? He's going to go short in his life.

Speaker 2 How come the guy doesn't come? Oh, there he is around the corner again.

Speaker 2 Come on, sit down. Sit down.
I don't want you to pass out. It's like fucking bullshit.

Speaker 2 I don't like your shoes. Can I get you skechers?

Speaker 2 I'm supposed to. Oh, you got to plug it.
Spread skechers. I would love to know that deal.
How much money is sketched? Keep that message.

Speaker 2 You know how I got the the deal? That's just got to be so much. You know how I got the deal? AGT.

Speaker 2 No. You know how I got the deal, really?

Speaker 2 I think I've told this story before, but I'm going to tell you. I don't want to hear it.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Dude.

Speaker 2 Let him tell the story.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'm sorry, Howie.
I went to Skechers because I like... I'm not.
plugging. This is the absolute truth.
I like the slip-ins because I don't like to touch laces.

Speaker 2 I don't want to touch the fucking shoes. So when I'm not doing a show, I go there and I bought the slip-ins.
I walk up to the the counter. This is in Marina Del Rey.
You could check all these.

Speaker 2 These are facts. I walk up to the counter.
The girl at the cash register says, are you Howie Mandel? I said, yes. She goes, oh, you're, you're obviously an ambassador.
You get 30% off.

Speaker 2 I went, obviously. And I, I,

Speaker 2 my wife was standing behind me. She kicked me.
She goes, you know, fucking bullshit for 30 bucks, whatever I was getting off. And, but then she goes, uh, so she gives me, I pay for the shoe.

Speaker 2 She gives me 30% off. And then she says, I can't find your name in the computer.
Oh, my God. That's what I said.
I went, oh, my God. I don't know what the fuck is wrong.

Speaker 2 They give it to you anyway, right? What? She goes, I'll give it to you anyway. There we go.

Speaker 2 Here's what you got to do. You got to take the shoes, hold them up.
I'm going to take a picture of you and send it to the head office. Whoa.
My wife is kicking me. You fucking idiot.

Speaker 2 You fucking, you're so embarrassing. Yeah.
And then, and then they take a picture of me. They send it.
So wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.
30%.

Speaker 2 I don't want this. It's a riveting story.
And I'm finished.

Speaker 2 Okay. There's no ending to this riveting story.
I didn't. So let him fucking end it.
Sorry. Go ahead.
I'm sorry. Okay.
So take the photo. You can edit it out.
With this. And then what happens?

Speaker 2 Two weeks later, I get a call from my agent that said Skechers called. And I go, They want for $30,

Speaker 2 they're calling. They found me.
They tracked me down. And they said they want me to be an ambassador.
And they made me do a commercial telling this story that I told. Wow.

Speaker 2 See? It's not a great story.

Speaker 2 I love it. I love it.
It feels so good. What? I love you so much.
He interrupted you with the fucking photo, and then it fucked up the fucking rhythm of the story. And then look at the rhythm, right?

Speaker 2 Look at his shirt.

Speaker 2 Look at his shirt, dude.

Speaker 2 The jealousy is so gross on him. Who did you go with? Oh, many guys.
Jason Bateman, Ryan Reynolds. Who knows, Howie? That's where he's in line with.
Who did you go with? I went with Army Hammer.

Speaker 2 You know, I just had him on the

Speaker 2 shit. I know.

Speaker 2 I was going to make a fucking joke, and you didn't even let me get it. I'm so sorry.
I'm awesome. This is a comic show.

Speaker 2 I was going to say 30% off. Did they owe you money? I mean, fuck, dude.
Now it doesn't work. Thanks, man.
Yeah, my rhythm's off. I was trying to say that.
Sketcher zinc.

Speaker 2 This is not live, guys. You could re-edit it.
No, he fucks it up all the time. No, post.
My rhythm's off. Was that irony again? Just for myself.
Thank you. Thank you.
You got it.

Speaker 2 So last week, I had Army Hammer on, and my daughter, who I do, I have a daughter. I like your daughter.
She's sweet. She wouldn't be hot.
She wouldn't do the show.

Speaker 2 She wouldn't do the show. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You can't. You can't say she's hot.
Well, you can't say she's old. She's 40.
Yeah, she's hot for 40. And Alex is handsome.

Speaker 2 How can I say that?

Speaker 2 No, no. You know what, dude? I think what you're doing doesn't sit right.
Let me say that. You go with you? She's hot.
Why are you offending? Say your daughter again. I'll start it over.

Speaker 2 My daughter, who I do, my

Speaker 2 Jacqueline.

Speaker 2 Love it. It's a a clear show.
She's so ugly.

Speaker 2 Wait, there it is. That doesn't sit.
She's good when she talks.

Speaker 2 That doesn't sit right with me. See? Look at that piece of shit.
No.

Speaker 2 What do you want then, guy? Say nothing. All right.
Say it again. My daughter, who I do my podcast with.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Better? Go on.
I don't have it. I'm pruned.
Yeah. No, no, but your daughter? She wouldn't sit in the room.

Speaker 2 With Army. Yeah.
Right. Oh, she's one of those

Speaker 2 well she doesn't want to be bitten oh no that's what yeah bitten he's spanish oh yeah yeah yeah if he wasn't

Speaker 2 like a speech impediment yeah is that true that he likes to eat people ask howie he had him on the show he said no

Speaker 2 yeah i don't think he's i don't know he said no he doesn't your honor he said no he didn't get charged and it's that is true he did he's never eaten anybody never eaten a person i think it'd take a lot to eat somebody.

Speaker 2 I also think he has podcasting chops. I've seen clips.
I like it. Don't say chops because

Speaker 2 he has

Speaker 2 a bad choice of words.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Wow.
Did you give him like

Speaker 2 a fork and a fucking knife? Like, thanks for coming on the show.

Speaker 2 Sit down. Don't get this away from the guy.
Well, he was a nice guy. I would imagine that if people, you know, some people don't watch a whole podcast.

Speaker 2 So if you tune into that episode halfway through and you don't see my daughter, you're going to assume he ate her.

Speaker 2 Right. That's what we'll show clips without her there with no explanation.
And people will go. I want him to hear the show and be like, why would Harry talk about me like that?

Speaker 2 That's your Army Hand. I've never heard the guy.
I don't even know how he sounds. Let me try.
How does he sound?

Speaker 2 My name is Harmon. Yeah, see, we did the same kind of exactly.
Yeah, I'm Harmon. I was on the movie with Johnny Jabber.
He plays Indian. Perfect.

Speaker 2 That's Lone Ranger. Lone Ranger, right? That's a Lone Ranger.
Chancho. What's this? What? Chancho? Chancho? Chanto.
I'm off. Chancho.
I'm really off. Chancho.
Yeah, I have a sleeve. He's a penima.

Speaker 2 Is Choncho Lone Ranger? Choncho

Speaker 2 when the Lone Ranger had a Chinese sidekick. Choncho.
Fuck you, man. Making fun of the Chinese.
I don't know what I'm doing. You said Choncho.
You're right. I love you so much.

Speaker 2 I put the C-H into the Chinese. Look at him.
Chanto is Native American. That's the cologne commercial he does.
Is that what that is? That's the Lone Ranger. Oh, that is.
That movie.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 He doesn't do a cologne commercial. He dresses the exact same.
Johnny Depp?

Speaker 2 Sauvage. Johnny Depp.

Speaker 2 Look at Sauvage.

Speaker 2 Look at Sauvage. Sauvage.

Speaker 2 Look, it looks the exact same. I've never seen this.
What's the difference? Show me the difference between the two photos. Sauvage.
Sauvage. You never seen that.
And then Tanto. That's his sketch.

Speaker 2 That's his sketcher. Well, you're right.
Exactly.

Speaker 2 You know what Johnny Depp looks like? Go back to the Tanto one.

Speaker 2 Argus Hamilton in the 70s.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine

Speaker 2 how his bedroom? It was a cocaine. Oh, I'm laughing.
Yeah, yeah. I'm laughing.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine him walking into his room looking like that and saying to his ex,

Speaker 2 You made a poo-poo.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what that is, right? No.
His ex-wife. Look at that photo.
What's that Argus Hamilton joke? He goes, That photo's. I didn't like cocaine.
I just liked the way it smelled.

Speaker 2 That was Argus. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. His ex-wife, Johnny Depp's ex-wife, made a poo-poo in the bed.
Have you ever done that to a boyfriend's bed?

Speaker 3 No, but I sometimes poo myself in the car.

Speaker 2 Do you remember what I you see my poo?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Howie.

Speaker 2 I know it's poober, not pooper. He's seen my poo.

Speaker 2 He's seen your poo. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Who hasn't?

Speaker 2 With that accent. Sounds like CIP.
Imagine that was a sitcom.

Speaker 2 It's always like a bad line. Yeah, yeah.
We didn't

Speaker 2 get that over with. Oh, do another one.
I mean, you're. Yeah, yeah.
What do you mean, who has? You're like, fucking. Let's do that again.
Let's do that again.

Speaker 2 So, you know,

Speaker 2 from the room. Yeah.
That's right. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he.
Yeah. It was that kind of of line right.
How did you see the poo? I will not.

Speaker 2 That's exactly what it is. That's exactly what it is.
White Wasau. Tommy Wassau.
Yeah, Wasow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So he's seen my poo. I've seen it.

Speaker 2 He's not my poo. Who hasn't?

Speaker 2 It's a good reason. Better reason,

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah. Who hasn't seen your poo? Yeah.
Why did you see his poo?

Speaker 2 He relapsed in Cancun and he got shit all over the walls.

Speaker 2 Well, talk about missing. Anyway,

Speaker 2 that's true. That's literally true.

Speaker 2 Is that you and Bobby and Ken Coon, that picture right there? No, that's those two guys now. Yeah.
Is that your poop on the wall

Speaker 2 and on your face? By the way, did this movie bomb? Yes, it did. What a bummer.
He was the man from Uncle, also. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Also, the Winklevoss twins. The Winklevoss twins.

Speaker 2 Call me by your name. Timothy Chalamay.
He made that movie, too. Social Network? Yeah.
Yes. Such a good movie.
I love Timothy Chalamay. What's a kid's name? What's Spider-Man? Whatever

Speaker 2 Garfield? Tell me. I love Andrew Garfield.
That kid's phenomenal, too. What the fuck does that have to do with anything we're talking about?

Speaker 2 He was in social network.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. I named the whole cast.
Eduardo. How do you poo in the car? Why do you poo in the car?

Speaker 3 I just had diarrhea, and I couldn't hold it.

Speaker 2 Okay. You never shoot your pants, Howie?

Speaker 2 There's no, yeah, there's no way. But she's 70 years old.
That's always in the car. Yeah, I'm 70 years old.
I've done it many, many times. I can do it on command.

Speaker 3 Do you have a leaky butt now? Because you're old?

Speaker 2 Good question. Very good question.

Speaker 2 Are you serious? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Nope.
Okay. It's still tight.
Yeah, I got a tight ass.

Speaker 2 Hey, Jules.

Speaker 2 These are

Speaker 2 all. It's like being on 60 minutes.

Speaker 2 What are you doing?

Speaker 2 What are you eating? What are you doing there? Donut. What is he doing? I have diabetes if I don't eat this.
My blood sugar is. But what are you doing to it before you eat it? He chops it up.

Speaker 2 He chops it up. You chop up a donut? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Try the other one. Who eats a donut with a fork?

Speaker 2 I've never seen that. People who are friends with John Mayer.

Speaker 2 But I've never seen somebody eat it with a fork. I got to be honest with you.
Yeah. It's the only way to eat it.
These people use their hands. I mean, you, of all people, you should know.

Speaker 2 Why touch it? So, Andrew, can you teach me how to do this? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I did a movie with Billy Armstrong from

Speaker 2 Green Day. And we're talking, you know, we're getting in makeup together, right? And I'm trying to like get his number, right? But I don't want to directly, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 So I start like angling, you know what I mean? No. Like, yeah, you know, you know, so Jawbreaker started when you started.
You know, I'm trying to get into like, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I can never get it to a place where I can get his number.

Speaker 2 I can tell you the hands don't help.

Speaker 2 I mean, I wouldn't give you my fucking phone number. Is this doing that?

Speaker 2 Billy, check it out, dude. I love your shit, dude.

Speaker 2 That's not good?

Speaker 2 Don't give you a break. Billy, Billy, Billy.
No? No. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 It looks like you're doing it. Well, if you're going to use your hands, you should have held up fingers.

Speaker 2 Like hint. If you held up fingers, like if you just, when you're talking to him, you just go, you just keep talking.
Hey, Billy, I love the stuff you do. Really?

Speaker 2 And he'll go, what's with those numbers? And you go, what? Those numbers aren't yours? And he goes, no, my number is. And then you get it.

Speaker 2 No, really?

Speaker 2 Let me try that. That's how I would do it.

Speaker 2 All right, all right. Hey, Billy, man.
I love your music. Good.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 No, here, check it out. If I'm saying something wrong, go stick your finger up.
You got it.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 2 Really? No, no. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, go ahead. You're like, Billy, what's up, man?

Speaker 2 No. Yeah, what's up? Yeah.
You never say that. I know.
So I'm not being afraid of you. I'm being in May Bobby.
Are you sitting beside him in the Maybob? What's up, Playa? No, no. What's the movie?

Speaker 2 What were you doing, dog? What's up, bro?

Speaker 2 Oakland. No.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's from San Diego. But he's from Oakland.
But you're not. I know, but I know that he is.
So I go, what's up, Oakland? No.

Speaker 2 Huge. All right.
So. You're not Marshawn Lee.

Speaker 2 Let's be real. I'll do it real.
Okay. Hey, man, thanks for putting me in your movie, man.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're in his movie? Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 What movie was it? He wrote a movie. When? What? Some of these are for me.
How did he call you?

Speaker 2 But he called you.

Speaker 2 You don't have called. You went to my agent.
Oh. And then the agent goes, yeah, Billy wants you in the movie.
So I said, yes. So I show up.
So I'm like, what's up, Bill?

Speaker 2 Thanks for putting me in your movie, man.

Speaker 2 You're welcome. Okay, cool.
Anyway, I haven't seen you in like 20 years, dude. And you were, you and your wife were so nice to me back in the day when we used to hang out.

Speaker 2 406-9734. That's how you do it.
Yeah. That worked.
It worked, didn't it? How'd you get John Meyer? I'm going to need you guys back on set. So

Speaker 2 how'd you get John Meyers?

Speaker 2 His phone number? Yeah, I know how. Are you good friends with John Mayer's?

Speaker 2 Who is that? Yeah,

Speaker 2 you just go on AGT right there. What was that?

Speaker 2 How was your experience here, Howie? Did you have fun?

Speaker 2 That's a goodbye, isn't it? What's that? You have time this week to come do mine? I'm leaving tomorrow morning.

Speaker 2 Fucking liar. Howie, Howie,

Speaker 2 he's never coming back. Let me be your agent.

Speaker 2 He's never coming back. Where are you going tomorrow morning? Miami.
He is. A golf thing with John Mayer.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I actually am going with John Mayer.

Speaker 2 And John is going to fly me out. And I'm busy busy too.

Speaker 2 We come on this week. No, you know why I won't come back on the show? No.
Because I don't do anybody else's podcasts because I already do ours and mine, and that's all I want to. He can test it.

Speaker 2 Me too. Me too.
No, that's a lie.

Speaker 2 You do shit all the time. I've been slowing down.
Look at me today. I was all over the fucking show.
But ask these guys. Ask these guys that's true.
Do I do other shows?

Speaker 2 Well, you're starting a new one right now. No, my own.
Yeah. Yeah, no, but do I do other people's shows? You're not doing

Speaker 2 getting rid of whiskey? Whiskey? I'm probably going to.

Speaker 2 Whiskey's going to be around for a little bit, bit, but I have to do the golf show. It's a show.
It's a podcast, but it's a web show.

Speaker 2 So, why won't you do mine? I'm going to do one too, then.

Speaker 2 I want to do my Star Trek one. Andrew, you didn't say that.
You're more than welcome.

Speaker 2 Dude, honestly, I'd love to fold this podcast. So, why not do it? Oh, forever.
No, no, this thing is done. I won't do it then.
You can do yours.

Speaker 2 Fuck there. Do everything you want.
But, Andrew, don't do it. I'm sure the fans would like that, though.
But you won't, so you won't. But it's two good organizers, you and Adam.

Speaker 2 Just two guys that'll be. You said, I will in July when I'm back to

Speaker 2 tour. What is that?

Speaker 2 I said, I said, You want to do the tour? You said, I will soon. Then I said, Okay, give me a month or times.
And you go, I will in July when I'm back from tour.

Speaker 2 And then I read, Are you ready for a podcast? Hey, brother, I shall in a bit. We're playing catch-up on our two shows, but I will.
It's true. I will.

Speaker 2 And then I come here and say, So, you ready? You go, I don't do podcasts.

Speaker 2 Yeah, sometimes he has to direct. I don't

Speaker 2 know if you'll Don't hear me wrong. I'm texting him.
I just got a DM. It says I don't do podcasts.

Speaker 2 So anyway, I got to tell you, all kidding is. I love you.
I love you. I love you.
I think you're really fun.

Speaker 2 I watch everything you do. You're also really, both of you, really good actors.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 He's better. He's a better actor.
You got to potty train yourself,

Speaker 2 and then you'll be somebody I'll appreciate. Okay.
Okay. No, I'm serious.
You got to stop stop pooping.

Speaker 3 It's just sometimes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but there should be no time. Is it weird that Howie Mendel's sitting next to you or no? No.
Okay. She's used to it.
You're used to it, right?

Speaker 2 Because my assistant, my assistant, Melanie. I know.
The first time you called her. Yeah.
She called me freaking the fuck out of me. Yeah.
But this girl. What the fuck? Howie Mendel just called me.

Speaker 2 And do you not remember?

Speaker 2 You got to remember. And do you remember when I came and did your show and she sat right beside me? Yeah.
And you said, do you know who he is? And what did she say?

Speaker 2 No. No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I spent the next 20 minutes explaining deal or no deal to you.
That's about it. Yeah.
I remember that. And at the end of it, she was like, no deal.

Speaker 2 Howie, can you look in the camera and go, thank you for being a bad friend?

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 I knew the whistle was coming.