Bobby Is Going to the White House

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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

We're bad friends.

I've been breaking out like a teenager.

You got a little pinch?

I sit here.

This one's a white head.

I'm breaking it like TJ.

Whiteheads are better than blackheads.

I shaved all my peoples down there to look like a little boy.

I don't know why I did that.

You know what I mean?

Why?

You can't say that?

Did you really?

You went.

Let me see.

Why?

You went flush?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, dude.

That's so funny.

Why did you do that?

Desire to be youthful.

And then I,

and then I and then I shaved my head to look boyish.

And everyone's like, you look so boyish.

And because of the losing the weight, too, I kind of look boyish.

You do look like data from the goonies a little bit.

Right.

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

Like supplies or whatever he said.

You know what I mean?

Whatever.

And so I feel youthful.

I feel energetic.

I'm in a very good mood, but you know what?

I'm going to say something to you, pal.

Because you're my best buddy.

You know what I mean?

And your redness really, I think about it at night.

I know I just said that, but I do.

I like the, I want the pain.

I'm addicted to the pain.

The pain of relationships?

If you look in the mood for love, one car why, you know how they can't,

they're in love with each other, but they can't.

yeah they just can't do it paris texas they can't broke back mountain they do

and they do it good when they do they do it good and they do it hard but they do it sensual i never saw the movie but in my mind you never watched it no but i've i've had dinner with jake before and i saw in his eyes i've never watched that yeah i didn't watch it either isn't that weird you know what it is everybody watch you have to watch it because you know what it is i think it's because maybe i'm like i'll be uncomfortable but i'm I'm into that kind of love.

Why don't we do a bad friend's viewing party of Brokeback?

We have to do it.

And invite all of our fans to come out to watch it with us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We have to watch Brokeback.

There's a couple of things.

La-la-land, I can't watch.

Never seen it.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, what movies can't you watch?

There's a string of them.

Like, when you said Aurora.

What?

Whatever.

Anora.

Anora.

Anora.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You watched it?

Never saw it.

Oh.

Because of you.

It's worth a watch.

Yeah, yeah.

And so there's just certain movies.

Baby Girl, I can't watch it.

I buy it.

I can't watch it.

Would because of the social restriction behind it?

You feel like you're not supposed to watch it.

It's not you.

Isa Gilroy killed it on Black Mirror.

I didn't see it.

The first episode she's in Black Mirror.

She killed it.

I'm watching a third season of Netflix's

Autistic Love Show.

What's it called?

Love on the Spectrum.

Love on the Spectrum.

Dude, I finished.

Okay, I'm going to tell you about that.

May I tell you about Love on Spectrum?

Yeah.

Bro, I had a, I cried.

I'm excited for your episode.

Are you on the third or fourth season?

I am.

No, don't.

Now you ruined the video.

No, I can't.

I can't.

Why can't I do that?

You are autistic.

Yeah.

I am, Andrew.

Okay.

Connor's the best.

Connor is the king.

He's the king.

And also.

Connor, come on this show if you're a fan.

Did you finish the very final episode?

I haven't done all of them.

Don't do anything.

Okay.

Don't do anything.

Or can I just say something at the end of it, though?

No, don't.

I'm not going to ruin it for you.

I have to say what I got to say.

gonna if it ruins it I'm gonna be pissed off dude.

It's my nightly watch.

It's my favorite thing to watch at night.

I burn through it Dude, I'm saving it.

Do you know what's so funny?

You know when you get it, you know when you get something from your mom when you're a kid and it's sweet and delicious and you're like, I want to savor this and I take little tiny,

little tiny bites because I know I want to eat the whole thing first.

Mine was squid.

Squid.

Dried squid.

Yeah, yeah.

I want to take the tentacle, the dry tentacle, and just suck it through my mouth.

Well, don't you have to do that before they suck, do they suck into your mouth if you don't do it, right?

Don't they suck into your mouth when you're eating them?

We have our own styles of dough.

You do.

Exactly.

I thought of you the other day at sushi.

The chef looked exactly like you.

I'm not even kidding.

He looked exactly like you, and I kept looking at him, thinking, I miss Bob.

Yeah, I do.

I missed you so much while I was gone so long.

To the Abbey, I was thinking about you.

How does that feel?

I don't get it.

What is that?

You're gay.

I'm gay.

Can I finish my thing?

Can I finish my thing?

Oh, Abby, the gay nightclub?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I haven't worked there for years.

I know, but when you did, oh, wow.

That was your ballworks.

Oh, my God.

So, what I'm going to say something is that in the last episode of, the very last episode of Love on the Spectrum.

If this ruins it, I will fucking fight you.

That's your problem.

I'm setting boundaries with you right now.

This is me setting a boundary.

I don't want to hear it if it's going to ruin this video.

Well, then close your eyes and your ears.

No, we're on a show together.

Don't ruin it.

Don't ruin it for the listeners, please.

I'm not going to ruin it.

I'm going to say it as lightly as I can.

Okay.

No, listen, I'm not.

I promise.

Listen, put your headphones on.

No.

Are you my friend?

Not right now.

Do you have trust with me?

Not with Love on the Spectrum.

You're acting like them right now.

All right?

And you're mocking them.

I don't like it.

The one kid that puts on headphones and listens to White Noise on the date is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

He's like, I'd like to listen to White Noise instead of her.

It's so great.

So anyway, the last episode, there's a first-time kiss.

I'm not going to tell you who it is and who it's with.

Is that better?

Just finished.

Okay, there's a first-time kiss and his reaction,

his or her's reaction to the kiss, right?

What?

So, um, the last episode, you know, I mean, an individual kisses another individual, and the purity of his reaction or her reaction.

I'm sorry, so annoying, dude.

You're so annoying.

I know.

Let's just say say it, Connor.

Oh, my.

His reaction.

God, you're fucking dead.

I know, but that's life.

Yes, Bruce Willis is dead in fucking that movie.

You don't even know the movie.

Yes, I do, dude.

Sixth cents.

All right.

And if you haven't seen it by now, that's your bad.

It's been out.

Yeah, but Love and the Spectre just came out.

You burned through it.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, he gets a kiss.

Giuseppe wins one of the seasons of fucking bake-off.

Yeah, he does.

Right?

Okay, so he gets a kiss.

Right, and his reaction, it's so pure, and it's like,

let's be honest.

Can we all be honest with each other?

I can hear him in my mind going, wow, that was the greatest kiss I've ever had.

I love him.

He's so emotional.

He went into convulsions.

Well, yeah, you ever got some good pussy before?

Yeah, that's not pussy.

It's a kiss.

I'll be shaken.

It was a closed-mouth kiss, and he does this.

And his last line is,

I can't feel my legs.

Oh, he has a heart attack?

He almost died.

He has a stroke?

But what I'm saying is, is that there's a purity.

And you and I, bud, we're so jaded, and we've been in the saddle for so long, we've lost that innocence.

Of the first kiss.

Of the first kiss.

And what I'm saying is, is that I want that.

Do you remember your first kiss?

Bleep, bleep, bleep.

Bleep.

Yeah, and then she and then she ghosted me.

We didn't have that terminology.

She didn't shake.

Yeah, yeah, that's her.

She didn't talk to me, right?

Monday at school.

Why?

It was middle school.

Really?

She was ashamed that she kissed me.

Oh.

Right?

And then two years later, I was at a McDonald's and she was working there, and I laughed right in her face.

Okay.

I did.

You working here?

I did that.

What was she working?

The fry?

No, front desk.

Listen, I wouldn't have done that.

Front desk like it's a fucking hotel.

I don't know why McDonald's works, but it's like.

There's a concierge at McDonald's.

Yeah, yeah.

She was the host.

And I left her.

Party for one.

Yeah, that was mean, what I just did, but that's the truth.

And it's like, she ghosted me, and I did that.

And then,

I don't know, she's doing some sort of thing.

That's street justice.

If she ghosted you,

you get a laugh.

You're allowed one laugh.

Well, it's like one of those things where it's like...

Because it hurt your feelings.

There was a girl in Dallas who

had sex with a lot of comics.

Right.

And then what happened was years later, Russell Peters comes up to me and goes, you know, so-and-so from the club, the girl.

And I go, yeah, I mean, she's, he goes, I had sex with her too.

I go, I did too.

And she goes, she didn't mention you.

So I'm embarrassing.

And this day stops here, right now.

Right?

I'm a cool guy.

No longer not a cool guy.

You know what somebody called me the other day?

Zaddy.

Oh, that's awesome.

I'm a Zaddy.

I have style.

What's the Z?

I don't know.

Just Zesty.

Zesty, dude.

That's gay.

Zesty means gay.

But zesty is kind of cool in California.

No, but zesty in Young Talk is gay.

I'm an older man, right?

I'm stylish, charming, and self-confident.

But look at what zesty means.

But you're not self-confident.

What am I?

You require outside validation for the conversation.

And inside, though, I do something inside.

All right.

So that's fucked up.

What you just said.

Yes, I require a lot outside.

Zesty typically means having a lively, spirited, and pleasing character offering you.

Look at me, dude.

Look at me.

A lot lively.

Hello.

It's often context to suggest a person's behaviors as effeminate or flamboyantly gay.

Oh.

Can you be metrosexual?

That term is gone now.

No one uses that anymore.

I mean, Casa Blanca.

Let's do Casablanca, yeah.

Hello, my dear.

Uh-oh.

You're being real zesty right now.

I'm trying to be Zesty right now.

Don't, don't, don't, don't.

That takes, dude, that doesn't improve my self-esteem right now, dude.

I'm trying to be real, dude.

Frankly, you know what?

I don't give a damn.

That's not gonna blind cat.

No.

Well, I never saw it.

But that era.

Yeah.

Hello, my lady.

You sound like you're trying to sound like a white guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Hello.

More Asian?

Yeah, more Asian.

Be a smooth Asian.

Hello, my lady.

You hang out in Morocco often?

Here's rooking at you, kid.

Could have never done that.

Okay.

Here's a rooking at you, kid.

You be suave.

By the way, he's smoking a cigarette, squatting down when she gets.

All right, guy.

First of all, it's not us.

It's opium.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Here's a rookie at wait.

Zoom into that one.

That's the one.

Zoom in.

Yeah.

You beat 1956.

If that's Prayen Reeves and you're not with him, you'd regret it.

Maybe not today.

Maybe not tomorrow.

Fucked up, dude.

But a soon.

And for the rest of your life.

Dude, why can't we remake these in Asian characters?

So funny.

Okay.

You're trying to be zesty, dude.

Don't do it.

You are.

You try to be 1950.

I'll be like.

Hello.

Hey, kid.

Hello.

What is your name?

Why don't you take off that girdle and let me take it for a spin?

Oh, that's how easy it is.

You look direct.

Wow, they were rude.

They said whatever they felt back then.

You don't go,

would you like something to be?

Who owns you, kid?

Who owns you?

Yeah, a man.

I'm doing it wrong, all right?

Would you like to be in chains?

No, no.

Too much.

It's too much.

What?

You don't chain them up.

Why?

They just tell them what to do.

Cage back in my

mansion.

I'm like, too far.

Yeah.

I got to ride the line there.

By the way, I want this as a shirt for him and I.

Okay.

Bobby, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I want that on a show

for us.

That's the end of the movie, man.

I never saw it.

You know now.

Yeah, yeah.

That's funny that you are such a cinephile.

The fact that you haven't seen that blows my mind.

Yeah, I should see it.

Because you're a die-hard cinephile.

In fact, someone else said that to me.

They go, Rosebud.

I've seen that.

Someone goes,

what's Bobby's like secret superpower?

And I said, his knowledge of cinema is way deeper than almost anybody of our friend circle knows.

I don't think many people know how deep it really goes.

We joke on the show a little bit, but you really do know a fuckload about movies.

More than

no, dude.

I'm nowhere near you.

You're so niche.

You've got all the niche shit

laid in really well.

Yeah.

Fancy tries to compete because of all that film school nonsense.

Yeah.

But he had taught that.

I was street that.

Correct.

Yeah.

I went to Blockbuster.

You were learned.

Yeah, yeah.

You were learned.

Like Last Tango and Paris.

They edited.

Did you know that they edited?

Blockbuster edited movies because they're Mormons.

Is this real?

Yeah, so when you saw Last Tango Paris, there's like no sex.

I was like 12 years old with my dick out.

No buttons.

Because I heard, you know what I mean?

There's a lot of nudity in Last Tango and Paras.

And I was just like...

This can't be true, dude, because I rented Jerry McGuire from Blockbuster and the sex scene at the beginning I used to jerk off to all the time.

No, I mean, really deep ones.

Like,

did they, am I right or no?

There was a rumor regarding edits of the films from Blockbuster rental at the stores.

That's not true.

Maybe there was

a...

R-rated version.

Well, I'm sure they did other rated versions.

Maybe that's what it was.

For sale,

maybe that was.

Do you want to give him his gift by now?

Blockbuster was known to request and sometimes demand edits of films in order to stock them, particularly in the 90s.

Practice is often tied to conservative ideologies.

Oh, so it did happen.

Yeah, there we go.

But it's at the request of the store.

Yeah, that's exactly right.

Somebody edited it.

In San Diego, then.

Yeah.

So we didn't have, I never heard of that.

Yeah, yeah.

It was completely edited.

San Diego is not a Mormon area, right, though?

It's very conservative.

Very Christian conservative.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that is true.

I remember my school was that kid that, like, if you're gay, you're going to go to hell.

You know, he wore that shirt and it was a big controversy.

You went to school with Trump?

No, no, Matt Gates.

Bob, we have a crazy present for you.

I'd love it to see it.

This just happened over the weekend, and we wanted to save it for the recording.

Yeah.

But this came through your reps.

What is this?

I already got a trophy.

Is that what it is?

No, it's not a trophy.

Well, timeout.

What's the trophy for?

Borderlands.

Worst movie ever?

They made trophies for that?

No, it was IMDB's best ensemble cast.

Oh, that's cool.

Who petitioned for that, dude?

That's a political movement.

I put it in my mantle.

Yeah, but that's a political move.

That's insane.

It doesn't matter.

I treat it like it's an Oscar.

I wipe it every day.

The trophy should have just been a bomb.

It's a big bomb.

All right, we got this from your reps.

What is it?

Let me see.

Here, I'm just going to do this.

White House?

Yeah.

Shut the fuck.

It's crazy, dude.

Bobby Lee, dear Mr.

Lee, as you probably saw, Bill Maher was just at the White House for dinner with myself, Bob Kidrock, and Dana.

Many people love that he came and had dinner with me and had nothing but amazing thing to tell the people he had a wonderful time.

I hope you call and ask him.

I spoke to my son Baron this weekend, who I'm sure you know, and he recommended you so highly that I had to have us reach out immediately.

You come very highly recommended, Mr.

Lee.

So we would like to invite you to the White House for dinner.

Shut the fuck up in the state dining room this Wednesday.

Is that Donald's?

Is that Donald's signature?

I very strongly believe you'll see that.

If this one is your tricks, I swear to God, I will lose my mind, dude.

Dude, this is crazy.

Is this a donut?

Another donut?

No, look.

It's from Matt.

It's from your agent.

I got the email.

Wait, I'm going to call my manager if it's real.

No, it's your agent.

Yeah, call your agent.

You can't go.

You can't go.

We're recording that day.

Oh, God.

You and I have to go.

No, we're shooting.

We're doing the voiceover that day.

What is it?

On Tuesday, you're doing that.

On Wednesday, he can go.

He can fly out Wednesday morning.

Call a call.

Who?

Well, who gave it to you?

CIA.

I'm just going to call Abby.

She must know about it.

Oh, my.

Because if she doesn't know about it, then it's not real.

Why the fuck do you get an invite?

I don't get a fucking invite.

Dude, I'm very knowledgeable about our politics and tariffs.

Yeah, I'm Chinese, dude.

We're going to negotiate.

Oh, that's what it is.

He wants you to negotiate the tariffs.

Yeah, maybe for Korea or something.

Wow.

Yeah.

Are you being fucking real right now?

Dude, it's insane.

Great manager.

It's a Sunday.

What the fuck does that mean?

We're working.

CAA has a nighttime.

Oh, fuck.

Call your fucking agent.

Matt.

Yeah.

You think Matt Blake will know?

Yeah, he's on the street.

Look, he's copied on the fucking.

Oh, I'm going to call him right now.

He'll pick up.

He'll pick up for sure.

I needed to get to the bottom of this.

I'm so sorry.

This is so weird.

You got to frame that.

I got to frame it.

Do you have it physically or no?

No.

Put it out for me, thanks.

Yeah, we'll put it on nice paper.

We have to frame that and put that up in the studio.

Look at Trump's signature.

Trump signed it.

Wants you to come to the way.

Hold on.

wow.

Well, because Baron likes me.

Yeah.

I think he watches.

It's the same thing he did with Theo and all those guys.

Your call has been forwarded.

Oh, my God.

What a team.

What a team.

Yeah.

And by the way, the Sunday excuse, that's such a crock of shit.

Yeah.

Okay, but let me ask you something.

Is your phone on?

Yeah.

Let me ask you something.

I'll see if they call.

This is so annoying.

Why wouldn't I get invited?

Because you're not, he knows.

What does he know?

I'm more

educated when it comes to the, you know what I mean, economics and jurisdictions and

tariffs and whatnot.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Well, he knows about my expertise on all things, not just golf and bowling.

He loves both of those things.

He golfs more than he does presidential shit.

Okay, but I'm just saying, he also, when they see me on camera, they see the wisdom.

Who's the most golfed president of all time?

That has nothing to do with shit, dude.

Did you get an invite for the president of the United States?

I'm the guy.

Fuck you.

Shut up.

Hey.

That is crazy.

I can't go because we have shit to do.

What do you mean you can't go?

You have to go.

Do I really have to go?

Do they fly you out?

Yes.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Who do you think this is?

Are you jealous?

That you get to go to the White House?

Yeah, man.

What the fuck are you talking about?

But if we both could go, would you go?

If we both can go, would I go?

Yeah, I want to go.

So, why can't you be my guest?

That's not a real thing.

You don't get to just fucking say, I'm bringing somebody.

Not plus ones.

There's no pl you can't, you can't go, hey, I'm bringing a friend.

That's insane.

Maybe if you were, oh, can I be your wife?

You're Melanie.

You're my Melania.

I will go with you to White House.

Yeah.

This is my wife.

She was in a fire.

I was burned.

Yeah, he's not.

She's not redheaded.

She's actually from Slovakia near where Melania is.

I'm from Slovakia, but I was in fire.

In a fire.

Yeah.

My teeth burned off.

Yeah.

And she loves plunging into lava.

I'm a big plunger.

Yeah.

So that's why the distortion.

You're going to kill it at dinner.

You think so?

Let's hear.

Let's hear.

Will you be Trump?

Wonderful to meet you, Bobby.

What do you think, Bobby?

What do you think of the White House?

It's the whitest house I've ever had.

It's really pleased to meet you, Barack.

I mean, Donald.

I fucked up already.

Oh, my God.

This is the dining room you'll be in.

Oh, my God.

Dude, who else is my crew?

I have to know who my crew is.

They're not going to tell you.

Kid Rock will probably be there.

Again?

Yeah, I think he goes a bunch.

He's got a house.

He's got a room there.

Did Bill Maher get scorched for going?

No, I don't think so.

What do you mean?

A little bit.

Did he?

But did it

left?

From the left.

He is left.

It's a little center feel.

Yeah, it changed recently.

Oh my God.

This is so exciting.

I've never had anything.

You know, honestly, dude, if this is false, you're going to break my heart.

If it's one of your little shenanigans.

Acorns!

Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns.

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You have to be a squirrel and you have to take the nut and you have to put it in the tree hole.

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Winter even might be here.

What's the best piece of a money advice that you ever got, Bobby?

Mine was save, save some,

have some fun, but make sure you got a little something hidden away in the mattress.

And now we're not doing mattresses anymore.

My grandfather said,

be squirrel.

Be squirrel.

Take Acorn.

Put a hole.

Put it there.

Bobby's a little bit older than me.

He's been saving a little bit longer because he's smarter than me as well.

I just recently started kind of actually putting away for the future.

I don't have kids, okay?

But I want to put away for my other loved ones.

And you may want that too, whether you have kids or not.

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You don't need to be an expert.

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View important disclosures at acorns.com slash bad friends.

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Oh, oh, oh, oh, yo, flat feet.

Oh, my flat feet.

Oh, your shoulder.

Oh, my shoulder.

Oh, my shoulder is because of my flat feet.

I need to go see a doctor, but how do I go find one?

You got to go to Zoch Talk, and I'll tell you what it is.

Zock Talk is a free app, Andrew, and website where you can search and compare high-quality

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Oh, I know about ZockTalk, right?

Because you can filter for doctors that take your insurance.

They're located near you, right?

That's fine.

And then also,

they kind of have like

an actual booking appointment.

So you can do it and instantly book.

You click a visit right away, right?

Yeah.

Wow.

And appointments made through Zock Talk, Andrew, I don't know if you know this, also happen super fast.

Yeah.

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You think I can get an appointment for my neck?

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Okay, good.

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Did they do that?

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Oh, God.

Well, then, can you tell me how to, where do I go?

And I got to.

Well, I've got to tell you something else before that, right?

What?

Stop putting off those doctors' appointments, Andrew, and go to zocdoc.com/slash bad friends to find and instantly book at top-rated doctor today.

I'm not good at spelling.

Is that z-o-c-d-o-c.com/slash bad friends?

I'm not good at either, but I think you got it right.

I think it's zocdoc.com slash bad friends.

Did you see that?

It was, it was like

a family that died in the Hudson.

I can't stop thinking about it.

No, no, dude.

I can't stop thinking about this family that died in the Hudson.

I don't know anything about it, so explain it to me.

I really don't know anything about it.

I've just been watching the Chinese tariff stuff.

Let me tell you something.

No one knows enough about it.

That's the scariest part.

This helicopter like broke in midair.

And the only thing we know is

he was high up at Siemens, the

technology company.

Oh, no.

A New York City sightseeing helicopter broke apart and crashed into the Huts of Riffin Ridger near New Jersey shoreline, killing the pilot and a Spanish family of five who were on board.

Pieces of the aircraft can be found.

Blah, blah, blah.

How did it happen?

Witnesses describe seeing the helicopter's tail and main rotor break away, smoke pouring from the spinning chopter.

It slammed into the water.

Victims were Austin Escobar.

Uh-oh, that's a tough last name to have.

His wife, Marie Combrucci, Montal, and the three children, Victor, Mercedes, Agustin, and Kia.

An executive at Siemens was in the New York area on business.

I mean, this is fucking insane.

You don't find this crazy?

You don't think this is conspiratorial?

What's conspiracy?

Did helicopters just break?

Is this a thing that happens?

Literally.

Are they fishermen?

Fishermen?

What does that mean?

Like a seaman.

No, Siemens, like the phone company, you know, Siemens, S-I-S-I-E-M-E.

Electronic.

Oh, I don't know.

Let me delete that.

That was so dumb.

No, it was actually really good.

I want that out there.

That was so dumb.

No, do that at Trump Center.

It was Aquaman there.

Yeah, he was.

Were there dolphins?

Bobby, is this you here?

There's a bunch of people on the internet saying that this might be you.

Okay, let's see.

Zoom in a little bit more, please.

Dude, I can't even do that.

Try.

I can't do that.

Yes, you can.

No, I can't do it like that.

All right, so what do I do?

Start it again so you can see it.

I got the chat.

That chick's ripping, by the way.

Yeah.

Dude, so many people thought it was you.

5,000 likes.

Anybody else think this was Bobby Lee?

I mean, it's 100% you.

It's insane.

And the fucking, you know what?

Enough of the fucking Korean deer, this shit.

I get tag.

Anyone that looks Asian, I go get tagged.

I get the same thing for Redhead.

I get the same thing.

If they're acting well, and also, can I just say another thing?

All right, stop.

Can I just say another thing, my friend?

All right?

Stop yelling out Down syndrome out of your car.

Why?

I'm walking down the street, people just yell at Down syndrome.

And I don't even...

And then there's people around me and looking at me like as if I have it.

Fuck you.

I get Bobby's mom all day long.

You do, right?

You'll drive by and yell it out, right?

All day long.

Yeah.

It's like it's...

It doesn't stop.

You know what I mean?

I sat next to our good buddy David Chang on the way back home, by the way.

Oh, hello.

You love Dave Chang.

I love him so much.

He's the best.

You know,

he tore his rotator cuff.

Is that a...

He's in like an arm sling.

I thought it was cooking equipment.

I'm really off today.

Or maybe it was his labor.

Whatever it was.

He tore some.

He's in an arm sling.

Wow.

Okay.

Is he dying?

He's on his way out.

No, I'm saying you should wish him well.

Be like, I heard about your art.

Dave, I wish you well.

I'm sorry about your tote.

Why don't you say text him?

Shoot him a text.

What, really?

Brag, Brag, be like, hey, sorry about your arm.

I got invited to the White House.

Okay.

Have you been to the White House?

Say that.

What an invite.

I don't think I have his number.

Yeah, you do.

David Chang.

Yeah, there we go.

I'm going to say, what do I say?

You compose it for me.

I heard you.

I heard.

I heard.

I heard.

I heard about the injury.

I'll just say, I heard.

I heard.

That's it, Senda.

Get well.

Yeah, get well.

Get well soon.

P.S.

Yeah.

Got invited to the White House.

No.

Why?

Okay.

Because if it's wrong, I feel like they're trolling me.

These people are trolling me.

These guys?

Yeah.

What?

About the White House?

Where did the email come from?

The first one.

Matt Blake.

What did Abby say?

Oh, Abby's on this email.

Yeah, I know.

I got the email from your assistant.

Oh, look what it says.

Sunday night, got back to them.

Thank you so much.

Forward on.

Ian Andres, the White House press secretary.

Oh, my God.

Look at this, Bob.

What?

Caroline Levitt Press, White House Press Secretary.

Oh, this is the original email.

Wait, Caroline Levitt?

That's what it says.

That's who reaches out.

You know who that is, right?

Yeah, the press secretary.

Yeah, wow.

On behalf of the nothing from you?

I'm reaching out.

I'm a little fucking annoyed.

I want to go.

Well, every year, I mean, you know, Barack invited me.

Biden invited me.

You know, it's just my, it's every president invites me, you know, so it's just my thing.

Cool.

But I'm a man of the world.

You're not.

You're like, America, you know?

Yeah.

You're going to the White House.

America.

Yeah.

I also seen

other places.

Where?

Macon.

The guy right back there?

No, the Paris guy.

Macon.

Macron?

Macron.

Macaroon.

Macaroon.

It's delicious.

Have you met Croissant?

I have.

I have.

I have.

No, do I, you know, come on.

I would never go to anywhere like that.

This might end the show, actually.

Without you.

No, this might end.

Without you.

This actually might end the show.

Why?

Because it's this.

Without you, I don't go.

You're obviously a superstar.

You've left me in the dust.

You're doing

it.

Cohen is nodding, and that's true.

You've left me in the dust.

You're doing your own thing.

It's fine.

You mentioned Theo.

You're in my.

You mentioned Theo right away.

The first thing you said was because of Theo.

Your best buddy, your closest confidant.

You're in Why Can't You See Me Part 8?

With the magic.

It's good.

Maybe they'll give me a shitty trophy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, is this what we're going to do?

Right?

It'll actually be a good movie.

Did you get one for a house party?

I got to call my agent.

Anyway.

God, we're in a lot of bad movies, eh?

Yeah, you know, we're we're dead with the end of the

business.

We're dead in the business.

We're 100%.

Do you ever think that?

All the time.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, I like, we are so dead in the business, but we created our own thing.

Created our own show.

Yeah, yeah, but we are dead in Hollywood.

And our animated show, we just did an animatic for, and it's going to come out.

They gave us the news.

It's going to come out in 2028.

That's a while.

Right around the corner.

Yeah.

It's actually, no joke, it's 2027.

That's literally when the show is going to come out.

When they said that, I almost was like, I can't even believe that's a thing.

Yeah.

But you know what?

That's a thing.

It's an opportunity.

I'm happy.

Yeah.

I'm happy we're going to be able to do it.

But guess what, guy?

I've been going to therapy and I've been thinking a lot about it.

A lot about it.

And

I'm on.

If I look at my phone.

What does it say?

This is it.

This is it.

Strokes.

Yeah, that's a good album.

It's a good album.

I know, but this is

you and me together sitting here with our past.

Oh, I know what happened.

You like saw one of those David Foster Wallace things and now you're fucking hung on, like, this is water.

I know what's going on.

Everybody goes through this.

You're having, like, a David Foster Wallace moment where you're like, two fish are swimming in the ocean, and one is like,

what's water?

It's like, you're in it, man.

You have to be one with water.

Now you're at Bruce Lee.

Yeah, Bruce Lee, dude.

Dude, water can flow between people.

Do you know what I'm referring to, David Foster Wallace?

Like every college kid reads this book.

Yeah.

It's actually beautiful.

Well, tell me some of of the concepts and I'll agree with it.

Infinite Jest.

But there's a, there's a, look up David Foster Walliff, This is Water.

Look up This is Water.

It's actually beautiful.

Okay.

But you're on this kick and I really appreciate, I shouldn't shit on it.

I love you.

But it's incredible.

This is Water is amazing.

Okay.

Have you read it?

I have.

Infinite Jest,

pretty amazing.

This is water.

Just give me the gist of the book.

The idea is this.

Yeah.

Oh, this is it.

There it is.

There are are these two young fish swimming along.

They happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Okay.

No, no, I just.

There are two younger people.

That's not what I'm saying.

I don't know.

Okay.

I got to visualize it.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

There's two fish.

And there's a bit older fish along here.

Two young fish swimming along.

Does it matter what kind?

One is a carp, and the other one is a.

What are those fucking Nemo ones or whatever?

Goldfish.

No, the one with the clownfish.

Clownfish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Two clownfish, baby, baby ones.

Two baby clownfish are swimming along.

And a great white's going the other way.

And they happen to meet a white.

Great white's going the other way going the other way okay who nods at them and says morning boys how's the water that's not what he sounds like it's a great white morning boys yeah that's what it is how's the water exactly and the two young fish the two young clownfish they swim for a bit and eventually one of them looks at the other one and goes what the hell is water

In this moment, you're worried I plan to present myself as the wise old fish, explaining what water is to young fish.

Please don't be, I'm not the old wise fish.

The immediate point of the fish story is that the most obvious, ubiquitous, important realities are often the ones that we are hardest to see and talk about.

What it is, is we're not taking stuff for granted.

What it says on your phone is what this is.

What?

I don't get that analogy.

I swear to God, I don't.

You know, I'm not good with riddles either, so I don't know.

This is it.

This is water.

When someone, you'll look back in 20 years, or 10, maybe.

I don't know how long you're going to make it, but 20.

And you know what?

That's right there is what I'm saying.

I don't know the White House five minutes.

I feel bad about it.

I knew it.

I knew it.

You're a fucking piece of shit.

Thank you.

You won't be dead in 10 years.

Thank you.

Anyway.

With you and me, two young fish are swimming along in the ocean.

One takes a giant shit.

And a beautiful female fish comes by.

What the fuck is wrong with you guys?

Yeah.

All right, listen.

Okay.

You're, this is it.

This is it.

I'm being in all genuine respect because I love you and I respect you.

Because a lot of times you go, you go, you're in the moment.

You're in the middle of the moment.

A lot of times you go, oh, well, we're doing the school show.

It comes down to when that happens, it's going to be great.

And right, you have to live in it now.

Yeah, I mean, when I meet the one, when that happens, happens, it's like this is it.

This is it.

You mean we're I'm living life now.

We're the leads of our movie.

This is water.

This is water.

Seriously,

this is water.

Yeah, this is water.

You have to be one with you know, Bruce Lee.

Okay, I get it.

Okay, but this is water.

Dead on Bruce Lee, dead.

Do it again then.

You have to be one with water.

What do you got?

Peanut butter in your mouth?

What are you doing?

Yeah, he loved peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

That's what killed him.

Is that true?

Yeah, yeah.

Bruce Lee died for BBJ.

I don't know.

I don't know.

But I'm happy that you're on this new kick.

What made you you do this?

Therapy got you to this?

This is it?

Yes, Bruce Lee incorporated peanut butter into his diet, particularly as a component of protein.

Oh, I didn't have to look it up.

Bruce Lee was highly against jelly, however.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Okay.

Doesn't say that on there, but my point is this, okay?

Well, you know, I went through.

Bobby, you look a lot like Bruce Lee.

I wanted to tell you.

You know, that's what he's going to say about it.

100%.

Oh, my God.

My son, Baron, said you're a wonderful, funny guy.

I think you're a very funny guy.

I love Mad TV.

I love Mad TV.

Wow, wow.

I love Mad TV.

What I don't like about Mad TV is they had a lot of DEI.

I didn't like the DEI.

Could I say that I voted for Kamala or no?

What?

That's rude.

Yeah, you can.

But then would I get kicked out?

No, he'd go, and I won, didn't I?

I won.

I'd go, yes, sir.

Good job.

You have to bow.

I would do it.

I would be a bitch.

You would.

100%.

I would tremble.

I would shake.

Yeah, yeah.

Your excellency.

Yeah, yeah, no.

But

this is water.

I'm glad you're going through this in therapy.

Well, it's because I you know went through some depression and then I was like I got to get out of this and then just go back to my techniques of you know being grounded and in reality Because a lot of things you read on the internet or the things that occur in your mind aren't real.

That's incredible though.

Yeah.

You do feel this way that you're getting to a place where you're accepting

reality.

You feel really good.

I feel so good.

And I appreciate that.

I thank you.

I thank you more.

I'd like you to take a look at it.

I'd like you to take me to the White House.

Yeah, yeah, you will.

Listen,

I never will.

Yeah, when Pete Budichet is fucking

president, which will never happen, so you'll go then.

My point is, is this, all right?

I want to tell Pete Bad Friends fans this, all right?

There would be no, I don't even know how to speak.

There would be no bad friends if it wasn't for Andrew, because I'm so lazy and aloof, right?

So he organizes everything.

And this machine, he's the captain of this ship.

You know what I mean?

You are.

Take me to dinner.

That's all I want.

Just take me to the house.

I take you to dinner dinner all the time.

All right.

Thank you for saying that.

Anyway.

It's very nice.

Yeah.

Stop this.

And can I tell you something right now?

Speaking of bad friends fans, what are you doing?

You're reading texts from your agents and stuff?

What do they say?

What does it look?

What do they say?

No, it's from somebody.

Let's move on.

Is it from a friend?

Yeah.

What did they say?

What plans?

How about plans?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh,

no, no, no.

How about planning?

I'm excited to go to London and Dublin.

I'm actually so excited to go to these shows.

I miss doing shows, Bad Friend shows.

But it's also, why can't we stay in these towns for longer?

I mean, you're so back-to-back.

We are.

We got to go earlier then.

No, no, no.

What's going to happen is, yeah, we'll go early to London.

And then when we go to Dublin the next day, we can stay in Dublin a little while.

Oh, so we'll go three days in London.

Sure.

Then do the show and then go to Ireland and then spend the next three days in Ireland.

Sure.

Because I want to see your shamrocks and all that stuff.

You know what I mean?

All the things that you can do.

You want to see where I grew up?

Yeah, yeah, out on the valley.

Well, because you know,

redheads have to come from Ireland, no?

We're more.

That's where your people come from.

And there's more Scots and Scots and English that are Irish than you're Italian.

How does the redhead thing happen?

Well, when two people love each other very much, tell me, explain, and they come from two different places.

My mother's Irish, my dad's Italian.

How would that's not hard math?

Oh, so you have.

Your mom is Korean and your dad is.

Sorry.

Your dad is Korean and your mom is

that's it.

That's it.

Sorry, yeah.

I got it confused.

Yeah.

Did you get enough sleep last night?

No sleep.

Yeah, me either.

I've had no sleep in so long.

By the way, on this tour that I was just on, these like 12 days I was gone, I don't think I got one night of good sleep.

And by the way, in Miami, Miami is

too much.

It's fucking too much.

There's every night someone's like, hey, come to this thing, come to this thing.

And I can't say no because I feel like I'm supposed to.

It's part of the job.

I'm supposed to go out with these people.

That's one show we never did.

Miami?

Yeah.

No, didn't we pay Fort Lauderdale?

Hollywood.

Oh, we did.

We did.

We did.

But that's up north.

That's different.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Miami Beach is just insane.

You, me, Logan.

We could have a good time there.

Logan Roy?

Paul.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

Jake.

Jake, Paul, I mean.

We had a good time, no?

Oh, yeah.

We had a dinner at Nobu?

Yeah, it was nice.

It was nice, yeah.

Did he fly you out on a jet?

No, but first class, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, I know.

You asked him as if he was on the plane with you.

I was.

You were?

I went to Miami with him.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, he went.

What did you guys do in Miami?

We went to Nobu.

Yeah.

That's it.

And he came to the gig with me.

He's like my handler.

What's a gig?

You performed?

No, I did this podcast.

But he acts as my liaison.

Yeah, we hung out.

Had a couple dinners.

It was fun.

Yeah.

They paid for it.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, me and Carlos hang out.

No, you don't.

Have we gone to other places?

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

A long time ago.

Yeah, with Charlie on 3rd Street, the Chinese place.

Charlie Finn?

I love that guy.

Yeah.

Good times.

My friend Charlie Finn.

I like him.

You know him?

No, I like his work.

I don't know him.

I like him.

I like his sweet face.

He's my best friend.

He was my best friend.

Before you,

15 years ago, he was my best friend.

Wow.

You could switch.

You could switch bad friends.

I mean, best friends, I mean.

Look at that sitcom.

I remember that.

It's like three guys and a girl in a pizza place or whatever.

Yeah, hot dog and a stick.

Uh-oh, hot dog on a stick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's really good.

Honestly?

Yeah.

Why did you lose contact with Charlie Finn?

He moved.

But you can't call him?

No, we talked to each other.

I'm trying to get him to do stand-up.

Wait, did he used to do stand-up?

No.

He just doesn't know what to do out there.

Why did he move there?

I mean, you know, let's be honest.

During this woke age of acting, white dudes took a second, you know, I mean, there's so many white dudes and they're using more minorities.

Speak on it, brother.

You know know what I mean?

This is good White House fodder.

This will go far.

No, I'm just his point of view.

I'm not saying my point of view.

I'm glad he's out.

Get out of here, Charles.

But, you know, that's what happened.

Well, he missed me.

He called me.

Who did?

Matt.

Call him.

Okay.

By the way, Cubs took two out of three from the Dodgers.

I was at the game last night, 16 to nothing.

Hey, Bobby.

You're on bad friends.

You don't have to answer much, okay?

What's that?

You're on bad friends.

You don't have to answer much.

You don't have to talk that much.

I'm just going to ask you a question.

Okay.

Is that email real from the White House?

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That's right.

I got called to the White House to have dinner with Donald Trump.

I don't know about it.

We're on bad friends.

I don't know.

I'll find out.

Okay, but

if these guys are playing a trick on me, dude, I'm going to fire them.

Who?

Fucking these fucking pieces of shit.

Anyway, find out if it's real.

Love you.

All right, bye.

Bye-bye.

Honestly, one of the best agents in the business.

Carlos, come here.

No, I'm hiding.

Yeah, because it's not real, right?

What do you come here?

No.

Listen to me right now, dude.

What I'm saying to you is that it's like the donut thing.

I don't like when I'm being tricked.

Yeah, and then I brought you donuts the next episode.

I know, but am I being tricked now?

No, it happened all this weekend.

How does my agent not know about it?

He does.

It's just a lot of stuff going on this weekend.

He's probably watching the Masters.

Abby would know, your manager.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, then we're good.

Yeah, I promise you.

Call Abby.

Oh, my God.

Or maybe even Theo, because

he invited you.

Yeah, you don't need to be invited.

I assume Kid Rock will be there.

If Abby doesn't pick up right now, I'm going to lose my mind.

Right.

Because it's just like I'm called her three times.

She's not picking up.

I'm her only client.

Does she live alone?

Hello.

Hi, Abby.

Hi.

Is that email correct at Real?

That White House one?

Which one?

I was invited to the White House by Donald Trump.

It's in your email or mine?

You're on.

You're CC'd on it.

Yeah, you're CC'd on it.

Hold on.

When did you get it?

When did she check her emails?

When did I get it?

No, they didn't email you.

They emailed Matt.

Oh, CAA.

CAA.

They emailed CA and you.

You're tagged in it.

Is that not real?

Get me off the podcast.

Yeah, you're on the podcast.

Yeah.

Yeah, I figured that.

No, it didn't happen.

It didn't happen.

Okay, thank you so much.

All right, bye.

Hell of a forgery, huh?

I'm so fucking mad.

You have no idea how mad I am.

Why?

I texted that thing to a girl I'm hanging out with.

So before you did anything, you told all your friends.

like.

Bro, you said that to some wife.

You said that.

What did she say?

What did she say?

Can I tell you?

No, it's not real.

I was tricked by my employees.

That's such a funny text message you get.

It's not real.

I was tricked by my employees.

You think Bezos writes that ever?

It's not real.

Protection, Amazon workers.

It's not real.

You guys are evil little demons, dude.

Who came up with that?

Carlos, dude.

He took the credit.

Who forged it?

You did.

Did you guys have anything to do with it?

Nothing.

No way.

You want to play these games?

It's war.

No, there's no war.

Yeah, it's war for all three of you.

Listen to me, okay?

Bob, please.

No, I'm being real.

I'm being real.

It's war.

How?

The donuts is one thing.

You made me look like a fool in front of this person I'm seeing, right?

And she's like, You just met her.

You went on one date.

Also, you're not seeing her.

It's a good joke.

She probably thinks it's funny.

Yeah, you're watching.

You think she thinks that's fucked up?

That's funny.

Okay, well, I think it's fucked up.

I don't like being tricked and

bamboozled.

I think that's the right word.

He's never done anything like this before.

So there's some

bamboozling coming your way.

But this is Korean style, right?

So it's a little harsher,

right?

And there's some implications.

And it's going going to get

career implications.

I mean, and there's a lot of like, you think that I'm, I don't respond to your text now?

What do you think is going to happen now, Chachi?

100% this, dude.

She texted me again.

Let me see what she says.

The movie you wrote?

What did she say?

She laughed.

See, I told you.

I got you a laugh.

The movie that you wrote?

With Benji?

Never going to do it.

You know what?

Can I tell people you're attached?

No, I'm never going to do it.

I promise.

Like his zombie movie, right?

I'm never doing both of those things now.

He had nothing to do with the movie.

And McCone, you gibbering little goof face.

All right.

You fucking.

I know things too, man.

Get him, dude.

Yeah, but I'm not going to say shit.

Okay.

Can I be honest with you?

Yeah.

It's not you.

You're my best friend.

Well, no, I'm not a part of it, but honestly, it's kind of funny.

It's very funny.

Yeah, it's pretty funny.

It's so good.

No, it's good.

Well, it was really good.

Thanks, guys.

But you know what?

I like to cause laughter, too.

Yeah, you have.

and i like to i like to spread joy too so i'm going to spread some joy your way on your expense have they ever have they has he ever deceived you before yes all the time beyond the doughnuts oh oh yeah the water

what water from from airwan water the airwon synchron yeah yeah i remember all those things that was a good bit and they're little little little stab wounds in my heart what's another one they got i don't remember there's been so many kisses they're not stab wounds what kisses they're not kisses

yeah and me not doing your movie is a kiss

All right.

Fine, I'll just kiss.

Zombie booby.

Any other comic.

Kiss.

What?

Get off.

Okay.

Carlos.

What up?

You know what?

I'm acting foolish.

Oh, so you will do it?

No, I'm not going to do that.

I have to read it first, but

that was a really good.

No, honesty, dude.

You're right.

You know, honesty, dude?

That was really good.

Thanks, Bob.

And you know, I'm really going to laugh about it later.

I'll tell you that.

This is so threatening.

It's not.

I enjoy it.

It's being threatening.

Like, staring at me.

I enjoy it.

You know, it's wow.

But if you retaliate, I'll just hit back.

Like, whoa.

So it's

said there was

a tariff war now?

No, you said there was.

You hit me back.

I hit you back.

You started the fucking war.

You'll see.

Right?

If he starts.

Let me ask you about war.

I know much about war.

Yeah.

All right.

You're a general.

Yeah.

You got.

Hey, boss.

What do you want, Chang?

No.

Philip.

Williams.

Philip Williams in this scenario.

Right.

Right, right.

Right, right.

Yes, Philly.

Yeah.

Philip.

Sure.

Okay.

Anyway, guy.

Oh, my God.

Belarus just shot a rocket at San Francisco.

Belarus.

Yeah, Belarus did.

Country.

Yeah.

Good.

We got to get rid of that fucking shithole anyway.

So what do we do?

No, they bombed San Francisco.

Yeah.

That's fine with me.

Oh, I'm San Francisco now.

What I am?

Oh, yeah.

You know, I love San Francisco.

On your tombstone.

Bobby Lee.

I'm San Francisco.

Dude, that letter looks so good.

It's fucking great.

It's so great.

Yeah.

What a wonderful thing.

Wow.

But what, Bill Maher?

Bill Maher ate at the White House.

That's real?

Yeah.

And he said, no,

what he got a flag for is...

He was super a nice guy.

Who was?

Bill Maher?

That Donald Trump was.

Oh, he was saying he was a nice guy.

Yeah, he was like, he's not what you think he is when he's on, you know what I mean, camera.

You know, on the side, he's like just a regular guy.

I'm sure.

Yeah.

I'm sure.

Just like everybody you mean.

Yeah.

Like, hey, man, pull my finger.

You know, that kind of stuff.

You just don't pull my finger stuff?

I don't know.

He whoopie cushioned somebody in the fucking White House?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you know, I think you just destroyed this

date that I had to do.

Dude, destroyed it.

Yeah, you know what?

No way.

It makes me feel like playing with you.

I'm the blind following the blind toward a cliff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got it.

Yeah.

We all fall.

Do you have a date with this person coming up again?

Probably done now.

No way.

Because I'm a loser.

No chance.

Thanks, guy.

How many times have you gone out with her?

I can't believe I fell for it.

That's what makes, that's where the shame is.

I was like, I felt like, and then slamming you, like you didn't get invited.

That was foolish of me.

Yeah, it was.

Wow, yeah, you would definitely get invited before me.

No.

And then the next time I'll know.

No, but what is interesting, the way you reacted.

It was very, it was a good test.

What was the test like?

What was I like?

Gloating.

Gloaty.

Yeah.

Very self-indulgent.

Really?

Yeah, well, because I was like, man, I want to go.

And you're like, you don't get invited to stuff like this.

I'm more cultured.

I'm more worldly.

Yeah.

You brought up Theo pretty quick.

You brought a Theo very quick.

And that's fine, dude.

Dude.

That's fine.

This is the worst time I've ever had on bad friends.

I look like a fool.

Wow, you don't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't look like a fool.

You know what?

I want to apologize.

I don't want to look like a fool.

I want to apologize to everyone listening, okay?

I did believe it was true.

I did gloat.

I made myself a fool.

Right.

And I'm blushing right now.

You can't tell because when you yellow, it hits red.

It stays yellow.

Yellow mixes with red?

Yeah.

I'm blushing.

Isn't that purple?

Okay.

Show them your penis.

That's exactly what it is.

And I want to say that

I really bought it.

Yellow and red is brown.

Yeah.

That's why my face is brown.

Is that those spots you have?

Yeah.

When you mix red and yellow, you get the color orange.

You get me.

Yeah.

Man, we are really like us.

We are really like tied.

We're tied together.

We're tied deep.

But

very nice.

Thanks, Bob.

Thank you.

Very nice.

I feel like you're like on the edge of mania right now.

He is.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Oh, my God.

That would have answered like a serial question.

No, no, no.

Oh, no, dude.

I'm growing.

No.

Oh, yeah.

No, you're not.

This is it.

This would be a good opportunity.

This is it, dude.

You mean this is the beginning?

This is the beginning of the end.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But in a good way.

Yeah, this is a great time to grow right now in this moment.

Yeah, I am.

So, yeah, I'll do your movie.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'll do your movie for sure.

Hell yeah.

And Andreas, I'm going to do your movie.

Thank you.

Hey, call me off of

Tukabakanov.

what is this?

I just saw this online.

I sent it to y'all, but y'all didn't respond.

Oh, my God.

Look!

Okay.

Wow.

Well, that's cool.

She had to hold her breath.

Yeah.

Right there.

They like disconnected her life so she could.

Jesus, that's terrible.

Carlos, that's awful.

That's awful, dude.

I don't think that's the right one.

You find some really dark shit.

Give me another rib.

Yeah, give me another one.

Oh, you could put your finger in it.

Oh, God, dude.

Dude, your mind right now, dude?

You're gross.

You're gross, dude.

You could put your finger in her neck.

That's insane.

That is an insane video.

All right, let's see what else.

Can I say something real fast about this before we move on?

Look, I'm not laughing at this young lady.

This is not a comedy video.

It's not funny.

It's not funny.

No, it's not funny.

And

let me say something else, though.

Conversely.

No.

Why are they putting that on the internet?

If you want to share that with your family and friends, that's fine.

This is a private moment.

If I had a baby like that, no one would even know.

Stop it.

No, because of privacy.

Right, privacy.

Yeah.

Would you do like a magazine spread like in people or something?

No, no, no, no.

She would just be in the attic.

If this guy married somebody famous, you know, he'd be the first one to get a people deal.

Oh, yeah.

100%.

Who?

You.

Really?

If you married a famous girl or a model that you wanted it, you would 100% sell it so everyone would see it.

See this baby?

See your marriage and your wedding.

Oh, I see.

You know, people sell weddings to People magazine.

You would do that 100% of it.

Like this person that you're seeing now?

Yeah.

You would tell the press.

No, I'm going to keep it private.

Anyway,

we'll put her Instagram link right below here.

Click here to see her.

Shut up, dude.

Of course not.

That's insane.

Okay.

I don't like that video.

Okay.

Who's that?

Shout out to Rory McElroy for winning Windows Masters.

I did think Justin Rose is going to come back and win it, but he didn't.

Northern Irish, though.

Different side.

That's upstairs, dude.

We're downstairs, people.

Also, congratulations on Arsenal FC for beating Real Madrid in the first leg of the Champions League.

That's huge.

We won 3-0.

Decan Rice, two free kicks.

Oh, my God.

They were beautiful.

Two free kicks.

He's never made.

This dude, Decan Rice, we bought him for $100 million from West Ham.

Bottom?

The team bought him.

I didn't buy it.

It is an interesting way to talk about it.

He's never made a free kick in his life.

He makes two free kicks in one game in a Champions League match against Real Madrid.

Think about the amount of head that guy's going to get.

It was also at home.

So the Emirates went crazy.

I mean, it was like commentators were like, I mean, it was mind-blowing.

They were perfect.

The curvature.

You're not going to look it up.

What turned this guy into such a magician in such an important move?

Well, he's a really good player.

He's a very good defensive midfielder.

he attacks too but i mean uh the those two i don't know what it is this is like say his name again um declan rice declan rice yeah and yeah see he's on the cover of it of the uh highlights and so bokayo soaka turns to him and goes he's like what do i do and he goes but

if you feel it just kick it

Because

they wanted him to cross the ball in.

And he just felt it.

And I'm telling you, dude, it was beautiful.

You have to understand Real Madrid, every person on that team is an all-star.

It's like the

Olympic basketball American team.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

It's like, that's what Real Madrid is.

Wow.

Yeah.

It was unbelievable.

I mean, it was probably boring what I just said.

It's a good-looking guy, this kid, huh?

Yeah.

And here's another thing.

Stop shaming his girlfriend.

What about what's wrong with her?

People are like, you could do better, but it's like their childhood boyfriend, girlfriend.

Who cares?

What's wrong with her?

Why are you laughing?

I don't understand.

Because I know why you brought that up.

Why?

Because you want us to shame his girlfriend.

No, no, that's.

Oh, my.

Let me see, go through some photos.

She looks, what's the issue?

Yeah, Bob, what's the issue?

No, I love her.

I would date her.

What's the issue, Bob?

People shame him going, you could do better.

Like, you know, wags.

You know what wags are?

What is a wag?

Wags are football girlfriends.

Or girl.

Yeah.

Wives and girlfriends.

Groupies.

Yeah, yeah.

And they're, and, you know, if you look at, like.

She's not high on the wag list,

no, I would put her high.

No, you put it, yes, I would.

We could hike together.

Look at wags, just what wags are look like.

These are wags, yeah, yeah.

These are the wives and girlfriends of soccer players, yeah, yeah, yeah, and they're usually like a certain type, hot, no,

you know,

go to the one like,

you know, they're wags,

and then people

go, they shame Declan or what Declan, you know what I love about Declan?

He goes, she's the love of my life.

Fuck off.

Yeah.

And I love that.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

You know?

Let me see his girl.

Why?

I don't understand the big deal here.

Yeah, me either.

Like, if,

you know.

Yeah, she looks just like the others.

Fuck you, dude.

If you're the problem with society, dude.

Oh, that's very interesting.

It's like, it's like,

it's like.

Andreas's wife.

They probably go, you can do better.

But she's like, I'm in love.

But I do think she can do better.

I know she can, but she's like, I'm in love.

What's that Japanese thing you're wearing?

What does it say on your head?

That's the Dodgers.

That's for Shohei Otani.

Oh, yeah, he's great.

I was at the Dodger game last night.

We beat him 16 and nothing, took the series.

And I will say something.

The amount of baseball fans, Japanese and Asian fans, he's brought is

he's worth the half a billion they gave him.

Oh, yeah.

Easily.

Easily.

He's brought so much fucking money to this team.

Yeah.

Look at these.

Dude, these stands are filled with people that are first-time goers.

Dude, sometimes they fly here from Japan to go to the fucking game.

Okay, now

what would you laugh at that photo of these Japanese people laughing?

Just that girl, too happy right there on the left.

She's excited.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's, I don't know.

It's like somebody just made freshly made boba or something.

Sticky ban.

Kikani fresh.

Yeah.

She's happy.

Okay.

I mean, honestly, though, dude, he brought the fan.

Like, there was a row of people in front of us that, you know, I could hear, they didn't speak English, and they were there for Shohei.

Wow.

I mean, it's unbelievable.

It's incredible.

He just really draws up.

He's also a specimen.

Look up his fucking chart.

You know who Shohei Itani is?

Yeah, I do.

I watched the World Series last year.

He's a god.

He's got to be 6'6.

How much does he weigh?

Go to his stats.

Dude, this guy is superhuman.

209 pounds.

How tall is he?

6'4 ⁇ .

6'4 ⁇ .

He is.

You've never seen a Japanese guy that big.

What's his wife look like?

Does she have a wag?

Choyo Tani's wife is Mamilio.

Oh, she's an athlete, too.

I remember that gay.

Pro basketball player.

She's a wag.

Zoom in that.

She's wagging, dude.

Okay, so I'm going to use this term a lot.

Wag.

Wag.

Yeah, wag's a good one.

Wives and girlfriends.

I love your wag.

Wives and girlfriends.

That's right.

But it's of athletes.

That's right.

We don't get wags, man.

You're a a golfer.

We get wogs.

You're a golfer.

That's right.

Yeah.

Dude, you're an athlete.

In another life, you could have been an athlete.

Honestly, the way he bowls, it's like, I've never seen anything like it.

I do love bowling.

The only thing that I think I can beat you is ping pong, probably.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Have you been playing?

Dude, if you beat me in ping pong, I'm going to kill myself.

Let's do a bad friend's ping pong challenge.

And let's seriously, I'm serious.

Let's get a table.

Yeah.

Bobby will win.

Because I beat you pretty bad at ping pong, and Bobby's good.

When did you beat me at ping pong?

I love it.

In Mexico.

In Mexico, I remember.

I was fucked up.

He was wrong.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was fucked up.

You didn't beat me sober.

Beat me sober.

And you were sober.

Yes.

You didn't drink.

Interesting.

And you see how he got a little chippy right there?

That's an interesting little move, kid.

You're done.

No more, nothing.

What?

I thought we were back good.

No.

You think I was fucking kidding, dude?

You're done, dude.

All All right, then we're going to warn you.

You're toast, dude.

War.

Yeah.

I didn't start it.

Yeah, but now that we're at war, I have to fight.

But I haven't even attacked you back.

I'm getting ready.

Okay.

Carlos, look into the camera and say, thank you for being a bad friend.

And I might not be here next week.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

I might not be here next week.

Great.