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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Ho hum, down in the bayou. We got legs that are tired.
Lights that flicker in the night. Ho hum, My old black legs Are skimming through the sand With my weepy eyes And my sour soul And I'm coming around What's up? That was improvised Ho-hum Oh yeah? You know the ho-hum? As you trek through the woods with your bow.
Yeah, dude. Ho-hum.
Where your porridge is cold, but your anus is numb. Ho-hum.
Where the donuts are old fairy and they're filled with calm. Oh, hum.
My Mexican friend is dumb, but he's got no Julio Iglesias. I don't know.
I couldn't do it. So close.
I'm so tired. No, you got it.
But anyway, thanks for the donut. Have you had one of these? I have't know.
I couldn't do it, dude. So close.
I'm so tired.

No, you got it.

But anyway, thanks for the donut.

Have you had one of these?

I have.

No, you haven't, dude.

Let me see.

No, you haven't.

I didn't eat it today.

Get a pistachio, dude.

Man.

Yeah, I'm going to prove a point here.

You know what the fans love when we eat on the show?

Just take a bite.

I will take one little bite of a stache.

Do you guys want some of this?

Oh, my God.

I don't know. Is it soft? Yeah Let the flavor sink in Let the flavor sink in You know what my biggest problem is? Do you think Paul Hollywood just goes eat and then says it? He does this No sometimes he does this Let me tell you something I don't like that it's got like cream in it.
Oh, yeah? I don't like cream. You got cream inside you.
And people eat that. Man, you are tired.
Okay. There's cream in everything, dude.
In titty milk.

Dude, a lady last night,

a 68-year-old lady pulled out her titty

in my show.

That's your crowd?

Yeah.

And I go, I thought the joke I said was,

what comes out of their cottage cheese?

And it got nothing.

And then my second show last in Houston, I hear a thump, like a big thump. And I looked to my right and there's a 600 pound man, I'm not kidding you, laying on the floor, face first on the floor like this.
Going, Oh, this comedy sucks. I'm taking a nap.
So wait a minute. There's a big fat dude on the floor.
Right. Oh, you are coming.
Well, thanks for showing up. Yeah.
So this guy is laying on his bed. Like he's, I think he's dead.
So there's two choices, right? Piss on him. No.
No? Pretend it's not happening right yeah just keep going right because it was off to my right so i see staff the managers yeah trying to revive them and i'm going yeah that's what the chicano said you know whatever you're right and then um i just look to the right i go what's going on and they go we don't know man it's packed sold out and it's now people are just rumbling

oh there's rumbling yeah now people are rumbling right and i'm going off to the side looking to see you're gonna be okay man he's 600 pounds right it takes him like 20 minutes to get the the fuck on in there.

Right.

Oh, oh.

Right, right.

And then.

They got a forklift in the.

Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. oh right right and then um they got a forklift in the yeah yeah and then um you hear him breathing outside you know how hard it is to restart the room oh yeah bro dude i had a guy had had like had a stroke in nashville in the balcony at zany's no i was like am i gonna do this show now? In the middle of your act?

Yeah.

And you stopped.

Well, there was like a big commotion.

And then I was like, what's going on?

And then they were like, it's a medical emergency.

And I was like, I know.

My thought was dead.

Somebody died.

Yeah.

You know, cause that happened,

that's happened at almost every show I've done.

So then this morning,

I get a direct message from some guy.

I wanna let you know a guy, dude,

that guy died last night.

No.

Yeah.

Carlos.

Carlos, what the?

That's not funny.

Carlos.