No Mami, Yes Papi, Fancy B Day

Speaker 1 I am so excited for this spa day.

Speaker 2 Candles lit, music on, hot tub warm and ready.

Speaker 1 And then my chronic hives come back. Again, in the middle of my spa day.
What a wet blanket. Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.

Speaker 1 If you have chronic spontaneous urticaria or CSU, there is a different treatment option. Hives during my next spa day? Not if I can help it.
Learn more at treatmyhives.com.

Speaker 2 Hello, mate. Hello there, mate.
We're going over to Pond there. Go get beans on toast.
And then going to Ireland. Beautiful, beautiful Ireland.
Beautiful. So where are we going first?

Speaker 2 We're going to go to London, England.

Speaker 2 July 18th, guys. Okay, July 18th.
Povo Arena.

Speaker 2 We'll be in London, England on July 18th. Dublin, Ireland.

Speaker 2 Then we're going to Dublin, Ireland. July 19th.
We're at the Three Arena. The Three Arena.
Three Arena.

Speaker 2 Well, that's a good impression.

Speaker 2 Give me a good Irish impression. Yeah, well.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's so good.

Speaker 2 That's so good. Thank you.
Say Pint of Guinness. Point of Gilles.
That's perfect. Dublin, Ireland.
We're coming to see you July 19th at the Three Arena. Tickets available at badfriendspod.com.

Speaker 2 London, England.

Speaker 2 Tickets available July 18th at badfriendspod.com.

Speaker 4 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 Foliskopliano, Saki.

Speaker 2 Foliskopliano.

Speaker 2 Saki.

Speaker 2 Feliscobliano Saki.

Speaker 2 Felisliano.

Speaker 2 Andreas. Is it your birthday? Happy birthday.
Birthday. I just got that.

Speaker 2 How old are you now? I mean, how long do porgs live? They live a long life. They do? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Not when they're being eaten by Chewbacca.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to. Do you remember that scene where he grilled a porg? Yes.
What silly game is this? Oh, it's the Mexican Venus Trial. You got to catch it like this? Yeah, it's a Mexican game.
Ow! Yeah.

Speaker 2 Mexican games hurt. Well, I could do it first try, I think.
You think so? No.

Speaker 2 Ow, dude, you actually even hurt your hand.

Speaker 2 All right. Let's start from the top.
I don't like the way it started. Let's sing the song again.
Put the lyrics up. Feliz Coplianos, IT.
Feliz Copolianos. IT.

Speaker 2 Feliz Copolianos. Copliano.
Ah, Andreas. Feliz.
Coplianos. Ay.

Speaker 2 It's not. It's the same words over and over.
How did you mess that up? Because they said name.

Speaker 2 In Spain, it's coplianos, feli. Oh.
Coppleanos Feli. Let me, can I have it a solo? I want a cappella.
I think that's my problem.

Speaker 2 I'll go fast. No, I want the first chunk again.
No, here's my. No, it's in Spain.
We're doing he's Spanish. Oh, oh, okay.
So

Speaker 2 complianos Filis.

Speaker 2 Complianos, Filies.

Speaker 2 Tecticiemos, Andreas. Complianos Filis.

Speaker 2 After five years, I'm going to grow. And then watch it.
It's Andres. I have another sound effect.
Andres.

Speaker 2 You know what that is?

Speaker 2 Lawnmower. No, a leaf blower.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 how old are you now? 45. 40? Are you really? 45.

Speaker 2 God, imagine being 45 as a director and not directing anything.

Speaker 2 I mean, is there a, I mean, what? I've never seen.

Speaker 2 Wow. There's a few exceptions.
There's a few exceptions. Be nice to the guy.
It's his birthday. Happy birthday, I mean.
You know what? Can I say something? You do the best YouTube videos.

Speaker 2 I really. When I see his YouTube, I go, oh my God, this should be a criterion.
Top notch. Yeah, top notch.

Speaker 2 Without YouTube, you're not even famous in the last 10 years, Bobby. Whoa.

Speaker 2 Shots fired. Shots fired.
Can I say something? I came in smiling in a good way

Speaker 2 about that.

Speaker 2 Where did that come from? You attacked Andres on his birthday. You did.
On his birthday. Okay,

Speaker 2 all right. Fine.
All right. But can I ask you guys, Andrew, can I ask you a question? Please.
Name me one movie.

Speaker 2 Just let's be factual here. Yeah.
Name me one movie that Andreas has directed. Cores IMDB.
There's actually a lot on there. Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Let me look up. Andres Rosende, IMDB.
Okay. IMDB.

Speaker 2 Oh, you have one. I am the best.
I am the best. Wait, wait, Zoom in.

Speaker 2 Let me wait. I want to read his.
I want to read his. Yeah, I want to read it.
Read it. Zoom in.

Speaker 2 Andres is an LA-based writer-director from España. He received a BA in film studies from Universidad Complutense of Madrid and an MFA from Colombia University.

Speaker 2 His films have played at festivals all around the globe, including Khan, Stigas, Cleveland, South by South. Cleveland.

Speaker 2 I want a line. I want a line.
Go. No, you finish it.

Speaker 2 Cleveland, South by Southwest, Panteja, the Prior's Club, and E Lacma Young Director's Night. Andreas.

Speaker 2 Andres has received many awards, including DJA for Best Latin, short for Escape.

Speaker 2 the more than 35, Mr. Beer, Bear, and the Fantastic Fest, Mercado, Fantistico Gold Award for the best future in development for the turned.
Wow. What is he directed? Here we go.
No. Noor.

Speaker 2 Let's go known poor. Bad friends.
First thing up there. Go look at producer.
Bad friends. Bad friends.
American Carnage. Oh, yeah.
That's right. You produced that.
You produced that. Oh, good.

Speaker 2 Jane Anonymous. The Devil Below.
Bad Friends. Bad Friends.

Speaker 2 Chain of Death. Oh, Puppet Cop was great.

Speaker 2 Puppet Cop. Puppet Cop was great.

Speaker 2 So underrated. I know.
You're under arrest. I know.
I know. Exactly.
When am I being pulled over, sir? Well, you're black. That's all.
All right. Puppet cop.
Puppet cop. Great.
Underrated.

Speaker 2 Green plastic sandals.

Speaker 2 You thought that red plastic sandals was good?

Speaker 2 Green? Wait till you see green. Oh, wait till you see green plastic sandals, right? It's going to blow your mind.

Speaker 2 Mr. Bear, which is actually the the original of the show, The Bear, on FX.
Right. This is just the Spanish version.
Mr. Bear?

Speaker 2 I thought it was a prequel to Cocaine Bear. Oh, yeah, Mr.
Bear.

Speaker 2 He had a job before he did Coke. Before Cocaine Bear did Coke, he had a job.
He had a family. Escape.
And the Oscar-nominated Escape. Escape.
Don't forget about snapshots.

Speaker 2 Oh, how can you forget about snapshots?

Speaker 2 That's how he did it. Thank you, guys.
Yeah, so very good. Andres, you want to say anything to defend yourself on your birthday? Happiest of the birthdays.
Thank you, guys.

Speaker 2 Were we able to get you any gifts?

Speaker 2 Your process is again. Give me.

Speaker 2 McCone's got some gifts that we'd like to give you for your birthday. Okay.
You mean the world to us. Uh-huh.
Your work here is undeniable, irrefutable, and irreplaceable.

Speaker 2 You are that good to us. You mean the world, and I mean it.
Bobby and I wouldn't be where we are without you. I have some words to say, too.

Speaker 2 Your work is. And your first gift is there.
A pinata. And look at your second gift.
A pinata.

Speaker 2 Shaped like. Shaped like what?

Speaker 2 Let me look at the face. Can I see the face?

Speaker 2 Shape like

Speaker 2 me.

Speaker 2 It's you. This is the greatest gift I ever got.
All right. Actually, pretty great.
I'm quite excited about this. So funny.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Can I use the stick? I want to do an impression.

Speaker 2 Can I do an impression? The best part is, he hasn't even dented it. It hasn't even broke a little bit.
This is right. Guess what impression I'm doing, okay?

Speaker 2 It was a mistake. Aleile Everett.
The baton.

Speaker 2 Oh, very good.

Speaker 2 Very good.

Speaker 2 All right, let him finish.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait, wait, I'm going to talk about myself. Let him finish.
Go ahead, fancy.

Speaker 2 Play the music and let him finish. I'm going to go fund me for fucking Aleila Everett.
Okay,

Speaker 2 who's rides?

Speaker 2 More!

Speaker 2 Oh, there, there! Yay! Very good, Carlos.

Speaker 2 That's the kind of production that we have on this show. The candy couldn't even go inside of it.
But I am doing a GoFundMe on Aleila Everett. You broke the vent.
It was so strong.

Speaker 2 I had something serious to say. Jesus Christ, the vent is broken.

Speaker 2 Wow. Okay.
Bob, put the guest up there. Put Broken Bobby up there, please.

Speaker 2 Very good.

Speaker 2 There's Broken Bobby. Tell me the frame of it.
By the way, they got the eyes right.

Speaker 2 Fancy, tell me, how did that feel? Did that feel good? It felt so good. That felt like you...

Speaker 2 Cathartic, right? Yes. You got something off your chest.
Yes. Dude, I've never had Mexican gum before.
You can't even chew through it.

Speaker 2 It's like a fucking... What?

Speaker 2 You want to chew it? My Jolly Roger. I can't chew it.

Speaker 2 Well, here, how about this? Let's settle some beef the other way. Okay.
I'm going to call somebody. I want my piñata.

Speaker 2 I want my Andrea.

Speaker 2 Okay. Do you have an Andrea's piñata, dude?

Speaker 2 I'll show you what I do.

Speaker 2 Finger.

Speaker 2 Well, let me see if I can get a hold of somebody here.

Speaker 2 Hello?

Speaker 2 Fitz.

Speaker 4 What's up, buddy?

Speaker 2 Hey, Greg Fitzsimmons here on the Bad Friends podcast. Greg, I'm sitting next to Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 Bobby wants to talk to you about something. Do you have anything you want to explain?

Speaker 2 You called me today, and I told him you were awful hurt about something. I didn't get the full story.
What really happened?

Speaker 4 No, not hurt at all. I was touched.
honored that Bobby would agree to come on. You know, I do my St.
Patrick's Day show every year.

Speaker 2 Famous show. Every year.
Greg Fitzsimmons does an incredible St. Patty's Day show.
They have Irish soda bread. They have traditional songs.

Speaker 2 Live music.

Speaker 4 It's a party. It's beyond a comedy show.
It's a party.

Speaker 2 It really is.

Speaker 4 And I was so happy to promote it. I went on K-Rock.
I went on KTLA. I went on Good Day LA.

Speaker 2 And I went on. Ooh, K-Rock.

Speaker 4 Bobby was nice enough to lend his name to

Speaker 2 the show, and we got a good crowd. And

Speaker 4 unfortunately,

Speaker 2 I don't know what happened. I'll tell you what happened.

Speaker 4 I was missing at the end of the show.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you what happened? Yeah, let's hear it. First of all, I apologize.

Speaker 2 Did you hear that?

Speaker 4 Of course.

Speaker 2 Okay, so secondly, did you get my money?

Speaker 4 Somebody gave me $200. Exactly.

Speaker 2 I gave it to you for what? For the charity, right?

Speaker 4 I gave it to the bus boy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. And can I say something? What does that buy? A couple of books.

Speaker 2 A couple of books. A couple of, like, you know,

Speaker 2 where you fill out the grades. I don't know how school works, but like...
A couple of things. Pencils.
Yeah. Yeah.
And also.

Speaker 4 What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 Where do you think the money was going what's the benefit for

Speaker 4 it was it was a benefit for the comedians i was paying you a bunch of money you were getting money to perform it there was no benefit it wasn't a benefit for a school

Speaker 2 there was no benefit for a school why did i walk in and see little kids on stage playing the guitar

Speaker 4 Little kids?

Speaker 2 Well, who's on stage playing? It was like Mary, Paul, and Mary. What is it called?

Speaker 4 Mary, Paul, and Mary?

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's two Marys in that band.

Speaker 2 Was there not singing there?

Speaker 4 Did that throw your comedy off that much? You couldn't perform because there was a musical act on?

Speaker 2 But it's just not that. I looked at the back row.
There was a bunch of older ladies there, and there's like musical things going on.

Speaker 2 I turned to Tim Dylan and I go, you know what, I'm just going to give $200 for the charity, and I'm going to bail. So wait a minute.
You showed up to the venue, didn't even perform.

Speaker 2 You bailed because of the crowd and because of the...

Speaker 4 No, no, he's supposed to headline the show and he just

Speaker 4 decided not to.

Speaker 2 Wow, but you came all the way there, but did I not go? That's good,

Speaker 2 like going is good, going is good.

Speaker 4 So, what is it? Have you not worked out that 15 minutes of material?

Speaker 2 Oh, here we go. This is how we're gonna do it.
Oh, we're gonna do this.

Speaker 4 I'm wondering how many more times you need to do that 15 minutes before you know it's gonna work no matter where you go.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna let you have this.

Speaker 2 Give me another one.

Speaker 2 Another what? A slam. Another slam.
No, Bobby, look, you are doing so well with what you've been dealt genetically, mentally, emotionally.

Speaker 4 I know that you were molested by an intellectually disabled person. I know that you've got a mustache that just won't fucking stand up and grow.
There's a lot of things you're struggling with.

Speaker 4 So when you bail out on a show like that, you let down hundreds of people in the audience.

Speaker 2 I don't think so. I don't, I don't think so.

Speaker 2 Okay. Now, Fitz, just for clarity, was his name promoted on the show as he was going to go?

Speaker 4 Very much so. Wow.
Very much so. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anything? Anything for the people that are listening that could have gone to that show? Number one, I'm sorry. I bought some books for

Speaker 2 a cherry that doesn't exist. There is no cherry.
Okay.

Speaker 2 But you did grab the $200, put it in your pocket. That's good.

Speaker 4 I gave it to the bus boy.

Speaker 2 He gave it to the bus boy. Good.
Yes. And And that bus boy, what's he going to get? Corn.

Speaker 2 They love corn. They love the corn, right? They like, you know, make it.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute.

Speaker 4 What is this? Who says he was Mexican? How do you both jump to that immediately? Was he?

Speaker 4 He was an American young man.

Speaker 2 How would Trump?

Speaker 2 How would Trump define it? Trump define it if he saw him. Would be in a plane to go to.

Speaker 4 He'd call him Mexican.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 So he got, you know. He was still in El Paso.

Speaker 4 Now, No, look, Tim Dylan was there. Thank God.
He was not supposed to be there, and he just stopped by as a friend to support this show. And luckily he went on, so he was able to close it out.

Speaker 2 You know, it's so funny that you do this because

Speaker 2 I saw his name on the list.

Speaker 4 His name is not on the list.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. You're right.

Speaker 2 I think you're right. Well, thank Tim Dylan.

Speaker 2 And I'm sorry. I mean, Fitz is one of our oldest friends.
I know, but he's one of our our most loyal.

Speaker 2 I had a gig at the ice house. Were you not running behind?

Speaker 2 We were not running behind. No, we were running behind.

Speaker 4 We were absolutely because it was a show on after us.

Speaker 4 And so we had to promise them we would be done an hour and a half into the, after the show started, which we just made a bunch of assumptions, and I'm so sorry.

Speaker 2 I thought it was a charity for kids. I love you.

Speaker 4 Dude, I love you. I respect you.
And I appreciate you agreeing to do it, even though you didn't, but you agreed to. And that's the thing that means the most.

Speaker 2 Okay. The commitment, not the follow-through.
Yeah. But the verbal commitment does mean.
I just got a bad vibe from the room. You got a bad vibe from a full-packed house, a sold-out room?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but there were people on stage singing folk music.

Speaker 4 Danny Letterman, they all said that this was the best crowd they've seen in a year. Everybody destroyed.

Speaker 2 Everybody destroyed. But can I tell you?

Speaker 4 Because it was a party. It was a fucking party.

Speaker 2 It wasn't just the show. It was beyond that.
Okay, I'm going to throw somebody onto the bus. Go ahead.
Okay. Oh.
And here we go, Greg. Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'm not mentioning Annie or Tim, right? But somebody that was on the show said this:

Speaker 2 the reason why they laughed so hard is because the music was weird.

Speaker 2 Who said it? I can't tell you. You literally just said, I'm going to throw someone onto the bus.
I know. So then do it.
I can't. Give me the initials of the comic that said that.

Speaker 2 TW.

Speaker 2 Who was it, Greg?

Speaker 4 TW.

Speaker 2 Tom Wilson. No, Taylor Williamson.
Taylor Williamson. He wasn't on it.

Speaker 2 Who was on the show? Oh, it's good to see Greg.

Speaker 2 Greg, Greg.

Speaker 4 Eric Griffin. Eric Griffin was on the show.
He said it.

Speaker 4 He texted me the next day saying,

Speaker 4 put me on that show every year. And I said, well, there's probably space next year because Bobby has already committed.
So that's an opening right there.

Speaker 2 Eric Griffin, Black Irish. Who else was on it?

Speaker 2 Tim and Annie.

Speaker 4 Saul Trajello.

Speaker 2 He's great.

Speaker 2 Okay. Dude, that guy's great.
He's a guy to watch. He's a star.

Speaker 2 He really is a star.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Saul Trajillo is great.
All right. Well, then, say sorry one more time to our good friend, Greg Tertime.
I'm so sorry, Greg. I love you.
I mean it.

Speaker 4 You can always be on one of my shows. You can always be on the poster for what I'm doing.

Speaker 2 I'll say it in Korean. I'll say it in Korean.

Speaker 2 Okay, here. I'll say it in Korean.
Chingu.

Speaker 2 No? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know what Chingu means? Yeah. What does it mean? We all know what Chingu means.
What does Chingu mean? You've said enough on this show. What does it mean?

Speaker 4 It's a friend. It's a coin you use in a Korean spa.

Speaker 2 Chingu means.

Speaker 2 Oh, very good.

Speaker 2 My friend, I. I don't know.
Apology. All right.
Well, we love you, Greg. I'll try to fix him, man.

Speaker 4 Okay, I love you guys. Work on it.
He's a work in progress.

Speaker 2 Keep working on him, Andrew. I will.
Bye, buddy.

Speaker 4 All right, bye. Bye.

Speaker 2 Why? One of the greatest comics alive. I know why.
One of the greatest, most talented. Because you disrespect a legend.
That's trouble. That guy's a fucking legend.
Greg Fitzsimmons is a legend.

Speaker 2 Now, you disrespect somebody else. That's on your terms.
You disrespect one of our oldest friends. Okay.
Tough, tough move. He called me.
He said, I was really bummed. I was having a cup of coffee.

Speaker 2 He goes, I got to be honest with you. I was pretty bummed at your boy.
I said, what happened? And he told me to go. Well, let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 And I can't even believe you're doing this because I'm going to say this. Go ahead.
When I was molested by the guy with the, he was in a folk band. Are you being serious? Yeah.
What did he play?

Speaker 2 Other than your ball?

Speaker 2 And I saw him perform. On you? No, afterwards.
After the show. So when I walked in the room.
That's why you got with him. You saw him.
You were like, this rock star. I got it.
I got it.

Speaker 2 He was very good.

Speaker 2 He was very good.

Speaker 2 So folk music has a tie. Yeah, and I had a PTSD reaction to the show.

Speaker 2 And I had to leave. Okay.
And I gave him $200. You had an MSG reaction? What did you say?

Speaker 2 I can't believe you did that. No, I didn't do it.
Fitz called me today. He was asking me.
Do you think it's forever dead? With Fitz? Yeah. You're fine.
The Shane thing, you're cooked.

Speaker 2 I've heard that. I mean that with every sense of my people.
I've heard that through the

Speaker 2 deep shit. Yeah.
And I mean deep shit. A war.
Oh, dude. It's beyond a war.
Yeah, dude. And I'll lose.
What did I say to you? On the show, I said, don't do this. Don't go after Shane.

Speaker 2 This is a bad idea. I know, but his.
I said it like five times.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, I'll say this: I love you. You're my partner.

Speaker 2 You're my best friend. You're my dog.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to walk into that with you, bud. So, when we were doing the animation today, we did a little work.

Speaker 2 We did it. You gave me a lot of notes.
I liked it. We gave.
Okay. Go ahead and say it.
Say the truth. Yeah.
Did it bother you?

Speaker 2 We did our first session today in the animated movie that we're going to be in. Yeah, and he

Speaker 2 gave me some notes. Andrew did? Some line readings, yeah.
A lot. That's good.
A lot. Every other line.
Every other line.

Speaker 2 Why do you guys think that is? Andrew's a good actor. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Spaghetti-o.

Speaker 2 I gave him readings because I wanted to get him in the mood. And by the way, he will agree when I said stuff to him,

Speaker 2 not line readings, when I said stuff like, Bob, get jumpy like you do. And you did.
And then do you kill it? This is what he made me do.

Speaker 2 He goes, you're a bat, right? And I go, yeah. I'm an ox and he's a bat.
Yeah, but then you're like, be a bat. Be a bat.
So I'm literally in, I'm going, I'm going like this.

Speaker 2 And he goes, more, more like a bat. I was doing this and saying the lines.
And he kept going, that's it. That's it.
Was it it? I don't know if it is. I think you just make me look like a fool.

Speaker 2 In the window. You guys know the truth.
I brought something out of him just like we do on the show. When he batted, the lines crushed.
And then everyone in the booth went like this.

Speaker 2 Laughing your fucking asses off. It worked.
When you physically emote, when you're sitting there just doing it in the mic, it's never going to work.

Speaker 2 You were emoting like you would in the scene, just like you would if you were acting.

Speaker 2 I didn't give you you a line reading. I gave you emotional readings.
I said, Bob, do the thing that you do.

Speaker 2 And then he killed. And then he fucking killed the session.
And then he got us out early because he begged the woman. Well, let me tell you.
I have a video I'll send you. I also have

Speaker 2 a magical thing that happened to me. It's not really a comedy thing.
It's a real thing, if I may share it. The molestation with the Down syndrome kids?

Speaker 2 No, no. No.
Yeah. That was funny.
That was very funny.

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Speaker 2 Time, checking account required. As you know, that I just did a movie in Oklahoma City

Speaker 2 with a bunch of young Hollywood.

Speaker 2 Name some of the names. No? You can.
I don't want to. Why not? That could be a surprise.
You did to me at lunch.

Speaker 2 You bragged at lunch. On the phone with me.
Yeah, you bragged at lunch.

Speaker 2 I like he pretends like he's not Mr. Hollywood.
Then he bragged.

Speaker 2 Bragg, bragged, bragged.

Speaker 2 You bragged. Yeah, today's not good.
Happy birthday.

Speaker 2 It's not good today. Happy birthday.
I feel like being assaulted. I'm liking it.
Okay, so

Speaker 2 I was in Oklahoma City. You were.

Speaker 2 And I felt depressed. And I thought maybe I should use.

Speaker 2 That I don't like.

Speaker 2 Right. So guess what I did? Use? No.
Went to a meeting. I took my phone out.
I have this meetings app on my phone. Yeah.
I went to a meeting. Good.
And I felt good. Then what did I do the next night?

Speaker 2 I went to another meeting. Good.
And then there was a kid in the movie that was also sober. I took him to a meeting.
Okay. And then I went to Dallas to do, what's his name's show? Dr.
Phil. Dr.
Phil.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Dr.
Phil. And I know you have some feelings about that, too.
Yeah, too. We can share later.
Yeah. Yeah.
We can share whenever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But something magical happened.

Speaker 2 I was at a mall. I was planning to go to a meeting, but I went to a mall first to get some shoes.
I was walking around, and I see a kid, and he has these gigantic throat stab wounds in his throat.

Speaker 2 Stab wounds? Yeah, yeah. Jesus.
They're super thick, right? Why are you laughing?

Speaker 2 How do you know there's stuff? Because I asked him. Oh,

Speaker 2 no, stab wounds. Yeah.
I go, dude, what the fuck? He goes, yeah, you know, when I was super like using, I used to stab myself in the neck.

Speaker 2 And he goes, but he teared up and he was like, you got me sober. No, that's awesome.
And I go, what? He goes, I mean, you talk about sobriety. And then I go, what do you do tonight?

Speaker 2 I go, I go, how many meetings have they been going? He hasn't been meetings in years.

Speaker 2 The throat stab guy didn't go to meeting.

Speaker 2 I would assume he would be on track. So I go, you know,

Speaker 2 you're not doing it for you. You're doing it to help others.
Yeah. So I said to meet me at this random meeting, and he showed up.
We sat next to each other.

Speaker 2 And I think there was a shift that happened. Oh, you're smiling.
I just think it feels good to hear this. I think this is very important.
And then afterwards, we

Speaker 2 I sounded his body.

Speaker 2 I knew it. Because he wanted a tattoo of

Speaker 2 my signature.

Speaker 2 Right on the chest. He got a tattoo? Of my signature on the chest.
Oh, boy. And then he got me two pants.
He bought you pants? From the store that... Yeah, he works at a store.
And I go,

Speaker 2 I like these pants.

Speaker 2 And so,

Speaker 2 I don't know. I didn't get them, but he got me two brand new pairs.
And then.

Speaker 2 Can I say something? Yeah. I mean this when I say this.
I think the work that you do in the sober world is

Speaker 2 can I just finish? I think it's extremely important. And I think there's a ton of people that listen to this show that either use, used to use, have trouble, have thoughts.

Speaker 2 And I think it's a great world to put our audience in to know that. Are you being real right now? Do I sound like there's a joke coming? I'm not.

Speaker 2 Okay. I think it's a beans on toast or something.

Speaker 2 Is there a beans on toast company? There was. Okay.
I know it was. No, I think it's a beautiful, important thing to do

Speaker 2 as a child of addiction, as someone whose best friend is an addict, whose friend, we have a lot of friends that have lost their lives to it. I think it's important that you do stuff like that.

Speaker 2 I really mean it. I think it's imperative to the future of people who are struggling to hear you, a famous guy,

Speaker 2 who, who, by the way.

Speaker 2 What, you guys are laughing? All right. Stop.
I'll stop.

Speaker 2 No, I'll tell you why the disrespect from Andreas. It's insane.
insane. What did that do? I'm being aware of that.

Speaker 2 Because literally, when you're saying something very sincere and heartfelt and real, and I, dude, I felt it, dude. I'm trying to be real.
Dude, I'm connected to you. This is what I see from this guy.

Speaker 2 You're mocking me. No, him.
This is what Andreas is doing.

Speaker 2 For like 10 seconds looking at something, doing a smirk. Okay.
And I'm going, what the fuck, dude? What I'm saying is boring, and I don't care. No, I love it.
I guess it's boring.

Speaker 2 I think it matters. I think it's an important part of life.
You know, it's the same way when somebody comes up to me or emails us and says, hey, man, I was going to kill myself last year.

Speaker 2 My mom died in June. My dad left us.
And listening to the show makes me feel good. These moments change my life.
I think it's fucking important.

Speaker 2 They make me feel like what I'm doing when I'm sitting on an airplane and it's 40 minutes late and I'm bummed out and it's freezing and they lost my bag and I'm going to be late to the thing and I'm pissed off and I didn't eat.

Speaker 2 I go, oh, this is all worth it because somebody gets joy from our thing. I know it.
And you give people joy by giving them hope in the process of comedy. I know what you're going to say next.

Speaker 2 Beans on toast. No, I'm hopping mom.

Speaker 2 So, um, yeah, what I'm saying, though, is that not that I did anything.

Speaker 2 Yes, you did. No, I didn't.
I didn't do anything. What I'm saying is, is that I believe that when you make a choice like, I'm going to really commit to sobriety, you're open, right?

Speaker 2 to situations that you may be able to help somebody indirectly almost. You know, I mean, I didn't do anything.
I just said, hey, dude, let's meet me at this meeting. That's very direct.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's totally.

Speaker 2 Hey, come with me to this thing.

Speaker 2 You're lending a hand. Anyway, we'll move on from the sober community, but I do think it's an important thing.

Speaker 2 It's not that funny today, but it doesn't matter. That's not about this isn't.
This is about us being real. You want to be funny, and we'll go back to making fun of Andres.

Speaker 2 It's easy. Go for it.
Look at that shirt. By the way, I had McConne search Hell and Highwater to find Spanish stores, okay? Go all over L.A.

Speaker 2 By the way, Desidual, Digual, your shirt company that you love so much, is that a Desidual shirt? It is. You know, that fucking dump is closed all over the world.
There's like three left.

Speaker 2 Just in the U.S. I have a question.
There's one in Gaza.

Speaker 2 It's insane how little of them. There's none in the U.S.
Are there no white strips in Spain? Why are your teeth so yellow? Jesus Christ, there he goes. Is that too much?

Speaker 2 Is that too much? Oh, it hit him. That one hit him.
I know.

Speaker 2 You're yellow.

Speaker 2 You have no real teeth. That's why yours are so white.

Speaker 2 There he goes.

Speaker 2 It's just today. He's hitting you.
Yeah, he did hit me. Yeah, very good.
You know, because it's your birthday, why don't you throw a couple insults at us? Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Go ahead.
No, I love you guys.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Are you doing, let me, can I ask you another simple question, right? You're doing a Mohawk Andre Agassi on the side thing here, or what? You have to wait.

Speaker 2 I mean, is that what you request in Turkey or wherever you went? It's going to be good. What I want to have.
It's a

Speaker 2 wait for Christmas. Like taxi driver in the end, right? And then put fucking Andrea.
Is it going to be a Christmas miracle? Okay. Wait for Christmas.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 My hair will come in.

Speaker 2 Just wait for Christmas.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Look here, my friend.

Speaker 2 Fancy, do you have anything planned with your wife for your birthday? Do you have it? Do you guys have a chance? You call them Fitzy? Huh? You call them Fitzy? Fancy? Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Who the fuck have you been? I don't know. We've been doing this for five years.

Speaker 2 Fance. We're taking our daughter to Disneyland, so nothing.
Are you really? Unbelievable you have kids. Oh, my God.
It's crazy. Wait a minute.
Have you already bought the tickets?

Speaker 2 Yeah, not everybody waits until they're 60.

Speaker 2 What did you say? Not everybody waits until they're 60 to have kids. Yeah, okay.
Okay. Shots again.

Speaker 2 Have you bought tickets?

Speaker 2 Sure, soon. Have you? Okay.
Can bad friends buy the fast pass for you guys or whatever? Sure. That could be the birthday gift.

Speaker 2 You know what you need? You know the irony of it? Chaperone. Oh, God.
Let's do a chaperone. That's eight grand.
Let's do the regular thing.

Speaker 2 I thought you wanted to be a chaperone. We would chaperone you.
You know what the funny thing was? My wife literally said that. She goes, what if you buy him tickets to take this kid to Disneyland?

Speaker 2 I go,

Speaker 2 he doesn't want that for his birthday gift. That's exactly what we're going to do.
No, but the chaperone, you know how it works, right? Not really. Do you know how it works?

Speaker 2 I've never done it. I don't know.
You should do it. No, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've done it once and got the super fast.

Speaker 2 We did Universal Studios. Universal Studios, and then you didn't show up.
Disneyland. No, Disneyland.
I'll tell you how it works. Oh, wait a minute.

Speaker 2 We did buy Super Fast Pass at Universal for Halloween Horror Nights. You didn't even show up.

Speaker 2 You bailed. I know.
Everybody else showed up except for you. I know.
Jules showed up. Yes.
And you didn't show up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 can I tell you how it works? Yes. Please.
You pay for it.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Sounds pretty easy. And then you show up.
Right. And you show up at the log.
There's a log cabin-y kind of fucking. Oh, sorry.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, right. Log cabin-y kind of like a hotel-y lobby thing.
Yeah. Where there's like, you know, a fire.

Speaker 2 Very descriptive, right? Yeah, what is this? You're like, so then a lady in that suit shows up and she goes, Bobby, I go, yeah, I'm your chaperone for today. Right.

Speaker 2 And then you go, oh, where do we go? She goes, go wherever you want to go. I go, we don't have to wait in line.
She goes, no. Wow.
So you can go anywhere. Like if you.
Eight grand per person?

Speaker 2 No, for the whole group. Per family.
So you can get a group of 10 and pay eight.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Right.
And then you don't have to like that roller coaster at California Dreaming. I don't get the Asian ones.
They didn't offer you her? They're too quick. They only had one.
Let's go.

Speaker 2 Let's go. Let's go.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I can't catch up. Yeah, yeah.
In the middle of the ride. Get out the ride.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But it's pretty convenient. Well, yeah, if you have enough money, this seems like this is the move.
Would you like this fancy for your birthday?

Speaker 2 Or would you like to keep your job? Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Although we all do it, although it really, you know, that money really took a, I took a hit. I mean, it's not a cheap experience.
Yeah, so, you know, guys, I don't, you know.

Speaker 2 How about this, though? No, I've never even heard of this experience, but it is.

Speaker 2 Adam Levine told me about it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's why some people don't do it. Yeah, yeah.
Resort VIP tours. Yeah.
Are you richer than all of your friends?

Speaker 2 Get ready for a day without poor people. Call 714.
I mean, that's literally. I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't trying to oppress a girl.
YouTube told me that. That is true.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And it was the first time I was meeting her son. Oh, yeah.
And I'm like, I want to, you know what I mean, because I've never met the kid before. You told me, and it's a great movie.
Right.

Speaker 2 And so I want to give him, but then he left the slidesaber at the park and I got mad. It is crazy to think, though, like that kid's first, his first experience is this.

Speaker 2 Like, like, we have a family friend of ours. You know, my buddy, I'll say it off the air.
Yeah. His, his sister, their kids have never ridden on a commercial airline.
They've only flown private. Wow.

Speaker 2 They're little kids. So they have no fucking idea what it's like to go to an airport ever.
Right. They have no clue.

Speaker 2 So like little kids that grow up in this world, they don't know what it's like to go to to Disneyland. Well, this kid, I fucked him up, I think.
You did, I'm saying.

Speaker 2 Because he can never go to Disneyland again. Oh, he'll be like, where's the Asian woman who tours us around? Yeah.
I want her again. Yeah.
Because

Speaker 2 this is the spoils of the richest. I mean, this is like, that's fancy pants.
Look, I could get you some all-access wild shit because now, you know, we work for the mouse. But if we go as a group.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if we go as a group. With your kids.
Yeah. So maybe we can get to know your family.

Speaker 2 I've never met that. I know you love that.
You'll love that.

Speaker 2 Absolutely. He has one child, just one kid.
Oh, whatever. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. One, two.
Doesn't mean

Speaker 2 you've met his wife.

Speaker 2 She's been here. I've jerked out to her.

Speaker 2 What is that wrong? No.

Speaker 2 How is that wrong? And the whole time in your life.

Speaker 2 See, see,

Speaker 2 if I said to you, I jerked off to your wife, why would that be wrong? It's not. It's fine.
It's a fantasy. Did that offend you? No.
Yeah. What would hurt is I would never jerk off.
Right. Right? Yes.

Speaker 2 That would be hurtful. Yeah.
If you said, you know, the girl that you're with, never. never.

Speaker 2 I get it. That's a compliment.
By the way, at lunch today, you said, or at dinner tonight, you said,

Speaker 2 no more women, done, period. Yeah.
Over. I'm done.
No more dating. Are you off the sites? Off the sites, not doing any of it.
Wow. Do you know why? It's over.
That's why.

Speaker 2 It's not going to happen again. No, come on.
Yeah, yeah. It's over.

Speaker 2 Beep, beep, beep. Train's dead.
I know what the beep, beep is about, but it's over. It's fucking over.
I'll tell you why, dude. All right.
There's a lot of deception going on.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of this going on, right? Hey, you want to, you know, go out this night, right? And they go, Yes. And then the night comes, I make reservations and they bail.
On the night of the root.

Speaker 2 Yeah, where I make reservations, you know what I mean? And I have a whole, and then I have to take the night off of stand-up, right? Take the night off, right? And then they bail.

Speaker 2 It's just like, all right,

Speaker 2 like tomorrow night, um,

Speaker 2 I'm going to a place, I'm going to meet somebody

Speaker 2 very special tomorrow night.

Speaker 2 Bong Joon-ho.

Speaker 2 You're going to meet Bong Joon-ho tomorrow night? Yeah, Mr. Ho.
Where? Mr. Holly?

Speaker 2 Mr. Seoul.
Mr. Seoul.
Yeah. Bong Joon-Ho.
You're going to meet him?

Speaker 2 That's incredible. Where are you guys going to go meet? He's having an art exhibition, and then his producers called me and said,

Speaker 2 You're invited, and we want you to come.

Speaker 2 I wish I got stuff like that.

Speaker 2 You can come with me. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Anyway, what I'm saying is that I'm done with women. And

Speaker 2 I'm off the sites. And

Speaker 2 I am feverishly masturbating, but

Speaker 2 I need to stop that. What are we talking? Twice a day?

Speaker 2 No, I've been doing it twice, but now, like, every other day now. Every other day.
Remember? Because the other day I was doing 14 days in a row. I didn't do it.

Speaker 2 I remember that. Yeah.
And then so. All right, so no more women.
So it's just Bong Joon-ho from now on. You can't seek love.
It's got to find you, Bob.

Speaker 2 I think that's not right. But no,

Speaker 2 I think you're right. I think here's what it is.
I think it's just either going to happen or not. You think so? Yeah, because it's like...

Speaker 2 Also, you know, I swipe all the time on Raya and I get no hits. Yeah, but that's a fan.
That's not a real website.

Speaker 2 Every time I see my friends that are on those, that Raya one, that's almost like, it's just Instagram. It's like showing off for the sake of showing off.
I mean, I could even go to my.

Speaker 2 I've never met one person that's dated off Raya for real. Maybe hookup, maybe.
But everybody I know, girls and guys, they say the same shit.

Speaker 2 I have this fantasy of doing a Bathfriend's Bachelor edition where like we have women come in to meet with Bobby and then we do a full show. So that's what you jerk off to.

Speaker 2 All right, can we go into some of my messaging at Raya? Yeah. And see if I'm doing it right.
I thought you deleted it. Oh, no, I lied.

Speaker 2 I lied. Sorry.
Five seconds ago. I deleted all of that.
All right. So let's start.
Let's randomly start. Okay.
So I sent a message to this Alexandra.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's a long thing. Let me see.

Speaker 2 And then I don't know if I'm blue. Oh, yeah, I'm blue.

Speaker 2 Are you still in LA? Sadly, I am. I go, ha ha ha ha.

Speaker 2 Why don't you like it?

Speaker 2 Was it good so far? No. No, no.

Speaker 2 Let's go back. Korean Joker.

Speaker 2 I'm doing Korean joker. Why don't you write it?

Speaker 2 I mean, it does sound like a murderer. What a murderer would say.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 She doesn't want to stay.

Speaker 2 I go, hi's.

Speaker 2 Apostrophe asks. Is that good? No.
No, I mean, I don't think so. She goes, hey.
And I go, I sent a message through Insta if that's cool. Nothing.
Why? Well, why? I don't understand.

Speaker 2 Well, why are you laughing? Because girls specifically don't like that when they match. Oh, Oh, fuck.
Wait, why would you do that instead of just continuing the chat there?

Speaker 2 Because there's no, like, I don't really look at my Ryan notifications. Oh, God.
You know what I mean? Sometimes days will go by. I got it.
You want to read one? Yeah. Yeah, go ahead.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, hello. Is that me?

Speaker 2 You said hi. She said, well, hello, and then you bailed.
Let me look, let me look, let me look.

Speaker 2 Why? And by the way, well, this is so long ago. It says this is 2022.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 look at the photo. Let's get another one.
No, she looks cute. Okay, fuck.
Let's get a more recent one.

Speaker 2 You went back so far. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 All right. How about Ariana? From yesterday.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I do live in L.A. You live in L.A.? I do.
I try to get out. Are you here? I'm here.
Let's communicate.

Speaker 2 Let's communicate through Instagram. Hey, nice.
Your game is

Speaker 2 outstanding.

Speaker 2 How about another one?

Speaker 2 That's like my comedy. Hello.
Hello. Well, this one's.

Speaker 2 Hello, everybody. Bluetooth.
Let me tell you guys, I'm a 53-year-old man, sexually active, and without Bluetooth, I got nothing. You don't.
Yeah, I'm what? No, you do great without you.

Speaker 2 I know, but what I'm seeing, this really, really does help me. It really does.
If I want to get aroused, I want to be, you know, I mean, ready to be at bat, I go Blue Chew.

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Pebbley? Yeah, Pebble Lee. All right, well, make life easier by getting harder like Pebble Lee and discover your options at Blue Chew.com.

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Speaker 2 I'll tell you, this one hurts. This one hurts my feelings.
Okay, go ahead. She says, My best friend is a comedian in L.A.

Speaker 2 Anyway, you have to give me a heads up when your tickets go on sale. I don't miss it.
I'll comp you. No pay.
How Asian are you?

Speaker 2 I'll comp you. No pay.
It's the way you're saying it.

Speaker 2 Say it in a southern accent. I'll comp you.
No pay. You're right.
It's Asian.

Speaker 2 You're right. I'll comp you.
No pay. And nothing after that? She goes, oh, thanks.
I hope Oklahoma went well for you. That's so nice.
Yeah. Then he didn't respond.
Is that recently? March 12th.

Speaker 2 So that was like a week over a week ago. Let me see.
Let me see.

Speaker 2 You screwed up on that one. Why? Why wouldn't you hit her back and go, it did go well? Okay, okay.
What's going on? You want to meet Bung Joon-ho? No, no. Throw that in there.

Speaker 2 I mean, some of them, it's hard because she lives in Austin.

Speaker 2 Oh, then never mind. I didn't know that.
And she has children.

Speaker 2 You got to get over that, dude. You're 52.
No, I love it. No, I will.
I love kids. Woo! Yeah, I love them.
Don't say that. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I love the little ones. You love when people have kids.
Yeah, yeah. I don't have a lot of people.
You have to accept the fact that that's a reality. Like our good friend Nick Christ.

Speaker 2 He was looking for love. He's been in and out.

Speaker 2 He fell in love deeply with someone who has a kid. Life is good.
Oh, is that who she has a kid? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that.
And he's been a wonderful. I don't even know what the labels are now.

Speaker 2 Dude, you have to get over the fact you are at an age. You are going to meet someone with a kid.
What about this, though?

Speaker 2 I went on a date with somebody last week, and her kids are teenagers, two boys. Cute, that's great.
And they're gigantic fans of mine. Well, no, but the good thing is.
She'll She'll go like, what does

Speaker 2 I'm Bobby Ma mean?

Speaker 2 I go, oh, nothing.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Just call me.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What's Down syndrome? I go, what do you mean? She's like, something happened? Like, she doesn't, she's not a fan. She gets it all from her kids.

Speaker 2 Well, but the good news is if they're teens, that means they're going to be 18 and be out of the house soon.

Speaker 2 Then you got the house to yourself again. So you're really just planning.
Find a woman with a kid who's 16, 17. Then you're in good shape.
Yeah, but if she's in her 40s, I can't have kids.

Speaker 2 That's not true. What do you mean that's not true? Oh, you want to have with kids with her? I want to have kids.
Well, then here's the deal, dude. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Why don't you go knock up a young stripper, have a baby,

Speaker 2 pay the stripper to let you keep the baby. Yeah, yeah.
And then, you know,

Speaker 2 meet a woman. That doesn't sound right.
You don't want to raise a kid?

Speaker 2 So I go down the seventh veil.

Speaker 2 I pay the cover. Girls, girls, girls.
Oh, girls, girls, girls. Well, tell them at the door.
I don't want to pay cover. I'm trying to have a baby with all these girls.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay.
And then I go, what do I say?

Speaker 2 During the last time.

Speaker 2 I'll give you 50 grand to have my child and let me keep it.

Speaker 2 And then you don't have to be involved. This happens on the other way, by the way.
There's women that tell men, I want to have a baby with you, but I don't want you involved in the life of the baby.

Speaker 2 Why can't a guy do it? You don't need a stripper. You can just do it normal, like that.
I don't know if anybody but a stripper would do it. Like for him.
The Kardashian woman did it. Who is this?

Speaker 2 Just... By the way, this is not to say, I love dancers.
You are well-respected. You're respected, yeah.
You're well-respected. I'm just saying.
There should be a... I just created an app.

Speaker 2 There's an app. No, we created the app.
What is it? Women that want to do that. Women that want to do that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please download women that want to do that.

Speaker 2 What I'm saying, women that want to be surrogates or whatever. Yeah, it's a surrogate.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
And then it's an app you can swipe through. They can give their college education.

Speaker 2 Hey, if it's a divide, it's fine. It's called No Mommy, Yes Poppy.
Yes. No mommy, yes, poppy.
And then you go, how much? And you do it, you know. It's the same.
There is surrogacy, right?

Speaker 2 There is for people that can't have kids, you look into surrogacy. Same kind of thing.
Can you do it organic, though, implants?

Speaker 2 You want to have sex with them. Yeah.
I don't really, I don't feel comfortable with the squirties. I think it's a little bit of a problem, I'm not going to lie.
Why? I don't think they do that.

Speaker 2 Oh, they don't do that? You're going to pay them a lot more, I would imagine. Extra 25? I think it's more than that.
50 grand.

Speaker 2 I'd say maybe more. Okay, well, then no.
Okay, well, or be like Carlos. Get a call girl.

Speaker 2 Get a call girl. No, no, no, but no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Generational trauma.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, because that's what I have from my parents' war. Right, then you'll match up with someone well.
Yeah, yeah. You raise a kid solo.
Or you could take someone's kid. Steal Whitney's kid.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Free kid. Who else has kids I can steal? Who's got a lot of kids? Is there a comic with a lot of kids? George Kimmel.

Speaker 2 You don't want those kids. Those are...
The boy doesn't like me, but maybe the... White Walkers.
Oh, the other one. They're already halvation, so.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Can Carlos be my surrogate?

Speaker 2 Yeah, kind of. Can you carry? Oh, should I transition and get a uterus? Can you implant an uterus in somebody and have a baby with them? You can.
Can you really? I don't think so. Yeah.
Can you?

Speaker 2 Can't men have babies now? They're allowed to legally here.

Speaker 2 Not in any of the states that I respect. Look, trans men.
Both biological and trans men are capable of becoming pregnant. Yeah, because you can implant a uterus.
No, those are way better. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 That's trans men, meaning, yeah, they have a uterus already. You can't implant the fucking uterus and

Speaker 2 cut it out. Bobby's dream come true.

Speaker 2 Bobby's dream come true is just like a uterus in a fucking vacuum in like a tube. Well, in an Xbox.
Yeah. Put a uterus in the the back.
I'll fuck the Xbox. God, this guy blowing a schnotted.

Speaker 2 What's going on, dude? Our producer, No Joke, is sick literally twice a month. But I will say,

Speaker 2 very, very happy.

Speaker 2 Very happy. With what?

Speaker 2 That the weather's getting nice. Because I was traveling around.
I come back to LA and I go, ooh,

Speaker 2 that feels good. Feels so good.
Sunshine. Dallas felt good.
Dallas feels good. Yeah, right.
Should we move to Dallas? I know. I love the town.
I love Dallas. Yeah.
Let's go.

Speaker 2 You know, I just can't move to Austin. Yeah, I can't go to Austin.
No business. Give me a reason why.
Dallas? Austin. Why I can't move there? Yes.

Speaker 2 Why can't I move there? I keep telling you, Vegas.

Speaker 2 Brother, you don't want to live in Vegas. You don't.
I mean, I like Vegas a lot, but I like to visit. I think guests would go there.
You don't think it's hard? A hard life?

Speaker 2 You don't think you would have a tough time in Vegas? No, there's probably good AA out there. I know, dude, but there's a lot of everything out there.
I know.

Speaker 2 There's everything you've ever wanted there. It's addiction city.

Speaker 2 It's addiction city.

Speaker 2 Says the kid. It's addiction city.

Speaker 2 Like from the kid from Minnesota, there's nothing.

Speaker 2 It's... Good one.
It's addiction city.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's addiction city.

Speaker 2 What a fucking asshole you are.

Speaker 2 I mean, you texted me the other day. I didn't text you back.
Now you're dead. Because of the addiction city stuff, dude.
It's that kind of stuff that gets you no. That's energy back.
It's that energy.

Speaker 2 And then you looked at me earlier. You're like, hey, dad.

Speaker 2 And I didn't really give you anything, did I? No. I will after this.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I will after this. I'm going to ask you a real question.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 You've been on the road. You've been working.
I'm so busy. How close are you to doing your hour? No, not even close.
Come on. Literally not close.
I just extended the timeline. Now it's January.

Speaker 2 You're going to shoot in January? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. What? 2026.
No, 28.

Speaker 2 26, 26. And you'll put it out at the end of 2026.
Yeah, they go, this is the final last.

Speaker 2 I'll go, I'll take that. But wait a minute.
You're going to shoot it in January. You've got eight months now to prep.
I've got like my closer down.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah, I have a whole fun closer.

Speaker 2 That's crazy.

Speaker 2 I just need about 20, 25 minutes. I'm getting there.
We'll get there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this hilarious thing. Yeah, I just didn't see Bobby on the bus ads, so I was concerned.
Well, because the ads are only for 2025. That's what I feel.
Yeah, dude, what are you trying to do, dude?

Speaker 2 I was worried that something happened with nothing happened. The deal is

Speaker 2 going. Okay, well, I didn't see your, you weren't being publicized by Sebastian publicized? They don't really need to.
No, because he's in my chunk. Wow.
He's in my chunk. You're in his chunk.
Okay,

Speaker 2 so I'm. Okay, okay.
Can I say something to you? Asshole?

Speaker 2 Me? Yeah. Asshole.
I would tell you that. Call me that.
Last night, Tim Dylan and Marcelo, Hernandez. Yeah, he's fine.
Tim goes, hey, you want to go rapper's party? I go, what's a rapper party?

Speaker 2 I know a rapper. So they take me to this gigantic, in this unwield, this gigantic building.
The rapper lands with a helicopter. Who's the rapper? I don't know.
I love that.

Speaker 2 I have no idea who it is, right?

Speaker 2 But, you know. Who got recognized the most? Come on.
You did more than Dylan and Marcelo. I asked him.
From YouTube. Wow.
I got to know the rapper's party. Who are you calling? Dylan.
I I just lied.

Speaker 2 I just lied, man. Dude, what's going on? What are you trying to do?

Speaker 2 I just lied. I want to know the rapper.
But I got mad at it. You know what I mean? I got defensive, so I lie when I get defensive.
Well, make up a better line. All right, yeah.

Speaker 2 So, you know, I'll tell you that.

Speaker 2 You're naming people we know. You could have said Bong Joon-ho and I did crack last night.
I don't know how to contact people. Okay, all right.
But what am I mad about? I even forgot that.

Speaker 2 You're mad at Carlos for trying to get it. Is the Bojong Hoo real?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 You're not seeing him either? No. How am I going to see him? What are you doing?

Speaker 2 What do you mean? I don't know what to say today. I just lying.
All right.

Speaker 2 Did I say something? I respect it. The kid didn't go to the meeting.
The stab.

Speaker 2 Dude, do you believe that? The big stabbed boobs in the neck? You're a great actor sometimes. Thank you so much.
Oh, my God. Yeah, all of its lies.
Back-handed compliments. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You're a great actor sometimes. All right.
But here's the trick, though.

Speaker 2 All of it did happen. I know it did.
So there you go, in your face.

Speaker 2 I know it did. Yeah, I'm a mind tricker.
I know. Yeah, yeah.
Trick-a.

Speaker 2 I'm a mind tricker.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you got to be careful. Okay, sorry, my bad.
Mind tricker.

Speaker 2 What's up, my tricker?

Speaker 2 What's up, mind trick-or-this is my neighborhood, tricker.

Speaker 2 What? I went and saw my family on St. Patrick's Day.
It was fantastic. Tell us more.
And I went out to a little pub, nice little pub. We went to an old pub in my neighborhood that I grew up in.

Speaker 2 I posted a picture about it, the first apartment I ever had. Theo responded to it and goes, first of all, the first three floors is a garage.
It's a parking garage. He goes, damn, dude.
No windows.

Speaker 2 Yeah, buddy. Wow.
I love him. Wow.
It's his birthday today. Happy birthday.
To Theo. Yeah.
And then I trolled around Chicago with my family. It was very meaningful.

Speaker 2 It was very wonderful to see my family. I love your family, dude.
I really do. I miss him.
I wish I could see them more. I don't know how we can do that.

Speaker 2 I really do. Especially if we move to Vegas.

Speaker 2 Is your sister still out there?

Speaker 2 She's out there. Okay.
No.

Speaker 2 Oh, she lives in love? She's in love. Oh, yeah, that's right.
She's in love in Chicago. I like that guy.
He's a great guy.

Speaker 2 He's a great guy. Love in Chicago.
You know, I love Chicago because the professor, the pizza professor guy. Oh, yeah.
We had him at the Dr. Phil show.
We did it. The Dr.

Speaker 2 Phil show, I got to be honest with you. The surprise guest was mind-blowing.
Who was that? Chevy Chase.

Speaker 2 No. It's my hand of God.

Speaker 2 Chevy Chase went up on stage. Yeah.
It was pretty incredible. And did he do bits?

Speaker 2 Him and

Speaker 2 Dr. Phil, they talked for a little bit.
They did a couple of bits together, but Chevy wasn't going to stay around for a while. I think they made it very clear he was going to hang out.

Speaker 2 But they played a beautiful video beforehand of like some of Chevy's greatest bits from different movies. Wow, wow, wow, wow.
It was pretty emotional. He's a legend.
His family was there.

Speaker 2 They all were loving it. Yeah.
And then he walked out there, did a couple of bits with Dr. Phil, and then took off.
It was tough to follow.

Speaker 2 Not going gonna lie, very happy I wasn't on right after. Oh, who was on there?

Speaker 2 It was Normand. Mark.
Yeah, which he killed, but I'm also like, I don't want to go after Chevy. I don't go after fucking a legend.
But Norman went out there. He crushed.

Speaker 2 I mean, he did mine in Dallas with Jamie Kennedy. Same kind of level of fame.

Speaker 2 Chevy Chase. It was fun.
Jamie's my dog. No, I'll be honest with you.
I was dreading it, but I really did have fun.

Speaker 2 You were dreading because it's nerve-wracking to do live shows like that.

Speaker 2 I think the money is what.

Speaker 2 I had to

Speaker 2 look at from my point of view. Yeah.
I went from the movie early to Dallas. Right.
So I had to wait three days in Dallas to do that show. Yeah, you were hanging out.

Speaker 2 So you have to understand that there's like some resentment building. You're right.
Like, what am I doing, man? What the fuck? Right. For how much? You know what I mean? And I was just repeating that.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And then I would go to a meeting.
I think it would come down. You went to a meeting to calm down.
Yeah, yeah. And I was meant to go probably to meet that kid.
You definitely were. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you were. Yeah, Norman was great.
We had some lunch beforehand.

Speaker 2 And he was like, yeah, piggybacked some shows. Did a couple shows at the den.
Great venue.

Speaker 2 I have to say, though,

Speaker 2 this Monday night meeting I go to, I can't say who it is, but he's a gigantic, gigantic, gigantic musician.

Speaker 2 So I go to the. Hold on.
Did I ever tell you about my Monday night that I go to? Yeah, you told me, yeah. It's a celebrity one, right? It's not a celebrity one.
Okay. Wait, men's?

Speaker 2 It's a men's meeting, but it's old rock lesson. Stephen Tyler.
No, he's not in it. Actual Rockalees.
No, no, we're not doing this. Oh, I know.
Slash. What? Slash.
No, no, it's not. No, it's not.

Speaker 2 It's the anonymity part. I can't say this part anyway.
Oates.

Speaker 2 Okay. Oats.
Yes. And Garfunkel.
Oats, Garfunkel, the other guy from Wham. Paul.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But he's literally like one of the greatest, right? I've been going to this meeting for 20 years. Paul McCartney.
Elvis.

Speaker 2 And I try to look at him, and I wore his t-shirt the other day.

Speaker 2 So dumb. I did.
You wore the shirt of the band. Because I wanted him to even look at me.
Yeah. Right? So I had the shirt, and I was doing this, sitting like this.
And

Speaker 2 he's literally direct in my eyeline. He won't look over.
Well, yeah, because he knows you're peacocking. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, you know, I made up the story when I shared and got everyone all emotional. He's like going to a rapper's house.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still nothing.
But anyway, I don't know why I said that. But what happened to the Monday Night meeting? That was important.
important

Speaker 2 nothing

Speaker 2 is there food at the monday night meetings no coffee and water have you ever thought about bringing food for people no what are you gonna give no would that be a move no that's not a move i mean i can bring cookies

Speaker 2 do you bring anything ever no no one brings anything You can make it your own commitment, though, if you want to give more. I'll go, hey,

Speaker 2 you could be like, I'll bring my cookies. So I shared, so I shared the

Speaker 2 story, Dallas and the kid

Speaker 2 Yeah. And it got everyone teared up in the room.
Of course. It's beautiful.
What is this?

Speaker 2 Oh, by the way, after all the hate I get, Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak prints his own custom $2 bills and spends them. Thank God.

Speaker 2 Thank God the internet is backing me up. All the people that make fun of me online, all the times people mock me, the Wazzi Wazzi prints $2 bills, Bobby, in your face.
It's real. Wow.

Speaker 2 And he spends them. There's the Woz Dog right there.
Wow.

Speaker 2 I don't remember.

Speaker 2 So by law, these are legal tender. By law, they're legal tender.

Speaker 2 You can get arrested for them. You cannot get convicted because you're in the right.
He's printing his own $2 bills. And I sell them.

Speaker 2 I sell sheets of four $2 bills for $5.

Speaker 2 And of course, I tell you, what you're getting is worth $50. It's worth.
You'd be an idiot not to buy it for $5. I sell them all over the place.

Speaker 2 And the Secret Service, the Secret Service, proved these three times.

Speaker 2 The nerve of this guy, by the way. Printing money.
He's one of the richest men in the world, and he's literally doing, he's spitting in the face of poor people. I'm printing money.

Speaker 2 The phrase, I'm literally printing money. By the way, something is happening, by the way.
There's a revolution coming. Oh, I feel it.
No, no, I'm dead serious. I'm not even kidding.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Are you ready? I have seeds. Something's happening.
I have seeds and bottles of water. I feel that

Speaker 2 something's coming.

Speaker 2 Big, big dog CEOs, big, big presidents are going to get in trouble. People are going to start taking people out.
The doomsday clock has 89 seconds to midnight. We're so close.

Speaker 2 The world is about to collapse.

Speaker 2 I was in the desert. I met a guy.
He was a sweet guy. He said he worked for

Speaker 2 some company, not going to say. And he goes, yeah, these other people at my company keep pushing me to get security.
They're afraid for my life. I said, why don't you do it? Let's get trailers.

Speaker 2 Let's get trailer. I'm being real.
No one's going to kill podcasters. Oh, we're not involved? What? I want to be involved.
You're wrong. You're not.
I want to get a stick. You can get a stick.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay. Give them the stick with the piñata.
All right. No, but really, when you mean revolution, what do you mean? I think there's going to be an uprising.

Speaker 2 I think there's going to be an uprising. And I mean this.
There's going to be an uprising of the lower and middle class.

Speaker 2 And they are going to go after the top tier, the guys who own Amazon, who own Microsoft, the guys who control all of these big monolithic corporations.

Speaker 2 I think it's going to happen. But if you see

Speaker 2 these town halls now, right? You can see the anger and you're seeing people that normally wouldn't protest and say things just screaming and

Speaker 2 interrupting. And, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 They're in rage mode.

Speaker 2 People are going to fight back. It's going to happen.
So get ready because it's coming. I thought about that.
But let's get a trailer. No, no, we're fine.
Okay, we've got to get seeds.

Speaker 2 We will get the seeds.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 i've always wanted seeds and a beast i wanted to watch them grow yeah we'll get some seeds you could do that can you do it can we can we get seeds though oh my god airwon sells seeds great yeah we'll buy them from airwan no but we got to get seeds that um i see them on tick tock a lot

Speaker 2 you see tick tock seeds

Speaker 2 what are yeah like a variety like a variety pack yep all i see on tick tock now is people telling me that you're fat and you're lazy and you need to get up and make money that's what all tick tock is all like You want to optimize your day?

Speaker 2 You think your day starts when you wake up? By the time you wake up, I've done six jobs.

Speaker 2 I've had six jobs.

Speaker 2 I impregnated four women and I tripled my bank account while you're sleeping. That's what I see on Instagram.
TikTok now is getting boring.

Speaker 2 Two months ago, I fucking searched animals with Down syndrome.

Speaker 2 And now I just keep getting like every other one. It's like koala work.
You know what I mean? It's crazy. Oh, my God.
That's an

Speaker 2 I do it. And they're cuter when they have it.
Well,

Speaker 2 the koala is. Look at the koala with this little fat tongue sticking out.
I didn't know that they got Down syndrome. I think they all do.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway, seeds. Let's go back to seeds.
Dude, that's me. There I am.
That's my kid. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You want seeds.

Speaker 2 I think there's going to be come to a time when peak oil, right?

Speaker 2 When peak oil happens. Peak oil.
You know peak oil? When we run out of oil? No, it's not when we run out. We get to the top precipice of where oil, right, we can get it.

Speaker 2 And then the demand is going to be too high,

Speaker 2 high, because

Speaker 2 the world is growing population-wise, and we have bigger, like

Speaker 2 we have empires like India and China, right? And so when we can't have the demand, that's when things start breaking down.

Speaker 2 Because fossil fuel isn't something that you can just make. It's just there.

Speaker 2 And then once you're done with it all, it's not there anymore. We'll find something by then.
Well, hopefully.

Speaker 2 But my point is that after peak oil, and then all of a sudden we can't get blueberries from Mexico or whatever. You don't need them.
Okay. Okay.
Then you can't get plantains from Brazil.

Speaker 2 But look at this. It suggests between 2028 and 2035.
I will say we will find a continuation of alternative solutions. When we're put in a corner, humans do great things.
Have you seen, by the way,

Speaker 2 Japanese are using kinetic energy

Speaker 2 to now try to

Speaker 2 power cities, entire cities. They have these things on the ground that you walk on, just regular sidewalks.
And by stepping on it, right there, they're triangles.

Speaker 2 No, no, do the one that's triangles down that one. Wow.
So these are kinetic energy walkways, and they're putting them all over Japan.

Speaker 2 When they walk, they capture the kinetic energy, which turns into electricity, powering an entire city. Amazing.

Speaker 2 So the proposition is that this will be all over major cities, New York, Chicago, Miami, where there's a lot of foot traffic, and it will end up powering the city itself.

Speaker 2 Look, dude, the smartest people in the world are continuing to work on great shit. I'm not saying.
I just don't know. I mean, why don't we have it now then? Everything takes time.

Speaker 2 They're making it for themselves, though. But Jimmy Carter, back when he was president, was talking about Japan.
He was talking about peak oil back then. I know, and this is a danger.

Speaker 2 I know, but look, it's not happened yet. We keep putting shit off.

Speaker 2 Look, dude, we're all dead. I got so many microplastics.
I know. I pissed a Lego yesterday.
I know. I know.
I know. I know.
I know. I mean, it's like, it's fucked.

Speaker 2 You know, whenever I go to eat sushi, and I'd be like, yeah, you get too much sushi. It's, you're going to blank, blank, blank.
Well, fine. I like the sushi.
I like sushi.

Speaker 2 I'm going to keep eating poisoned fish from the sea.

Speaker 2 Drinking this, you get a little microplastic. Right.
Again, what do you, what am I supposed to do? Exactly. What are we supposed to do? Get a well.
Get a well. Yes.
Dig a well. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then there's piss and poop in the well somehow. You see the way people act in public? And I'm like, no shit, we're fucked.
Like what?

Speaker 2 The way that we, okay, we were going.

Speaker 2 we were going to try to get a car to go to the airport, and there was traffic, like crazy traffic, because they're doing something to the expressway again in Chicago.

Speaker 2 And these people were waiting outside of the hotel to get autographs from

Speaker 2 the hockey team was in town, and the LA Kings were staying there.

Speaker 2 And the way these men would like

Speaker 2 bump in front of each other and throw each other out of the way to get an autograph from another grown man, I'm like, oh, we're fucked. We're fucked.
Grown men? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, I mean, literally fighting for airtime space to have another man sign a piece of paper that most likely they want to sell they're not going to keep it and they're not making a living off of this they're just they just want the satisfaction but they were like fighting i was like we're fucked as a society we're fucked i've never asked for an autograph have you absolutely when i was a kid when i was a child i didn't know anybody Well, you were deprived of all.

Speaker 2 Maybe the local barber. Look at that.
Your autographs are for sale online. There you go.
That was someone you signed at the airport. Yeah, that is my my signature, yes.
100%. Yeah.

Speaker 2 How much is it going? $67.

Speaker 2 Oh, don't laugh. Mine's less.
For sure. Andrew Santino, $30 is mine.
That's $85. Look at Andrew Santino autograph, $26.

Speaker 2 Max. I won't breach $30.

Speaker 2 $59. $42.
I'm less. See?

Speaker 2 $49.

Speaker 2 $124 because it's you and I together. Wow.
$30.

Speaker 2 Do people buy it? No. Somebody must.
It exists. Oh, that's a $50

Speaker 2 just one of our tour posters? With all of us? Or just you and I? Just you and I. Wow.
That's a little offensive. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's 15% off.

Speaker 2 When did they decide to take it down?

Speaker 2 Well, it's been up for 15 years.

Speaker 2 Nice. Dude.
Dude, dude. Dude.
These kids gone. No, can I just say something? That tone was insane.

Speaker 2 That was crazy, dude. It's an addict paradise.

Speaker 2 That's what it was.

Speaker 2 Hey. Happy birthday, Andreas.
Happy birthday, Fancy. Thank you.
You say it. You say it.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.