benny blanco-gomez

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Hello.

Hello.

Hello, mate.

My Benjamin Toast.

We're coming to London, England, and Dublin, Ireland.

Right.

London, England, Dublin, Ireland, July 18th and July 19th for Ireland.

That's right.

18th in London, 19th in Ireland.

You guys, come out and see us.

Go to badfriendspod.com for the future.

Kicks are going fast.

They are going very fast.

Dublin's about to shell out.

Sell out.

So, July 18th and 19th, go to badfriendspod.com.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

We're bad friends.

What is this shirt that you got in Australia?

Look at Bobby.

He got a shirt in Australia.

It's a stress, dude.

You cannot fit in this.

Why can't he fit in it?

Dude, it's a stress.

He's saying that I'm fat.

I think you fit in that easily.

Thank you, Benny.

What are you talking about?

Do you actually think he can't fit in it?

No, dude.

Put it on.

A part of him.

This is no, I think it looks exactly.

No, look at this.

I'm going to wear it now.

You clearly can't fit in.

Take my one off first.

No, I'm going to do it off.

No.

Why do you have to do it off?

Do it on.

Do you have babies?

On, on, on, on, on, on.

Oh, you look broke.

Ozempic.

Are you on Ozempic?

He is.

He's working.

Actually?

Yeah.

Why are you on Ozempic?

He's on the other one.

So you can fit in the shirt you bought.

That shirt was $9,000.

No, it's got to fit.

Okay, let's see.

It fits.

It fits perfectly.

It fits good.

It's perfect.

Wow, dude.

I like it.

I want to pull through now.

Wait, are you actually on Ozempic?

Yeah, I am.

Really?

Not Ozempic.

He's on the other one.

Manjaro.

No, Wugovi.

No, but I was on a.

What's Wugovi?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, there is no Wuvi.

You just made up it.

No, Wugova.

Hey, dude, we're not as successful as you.

We can't afford

premium bars.

What are you talking about?

That shirt was $9,000.

I know.

It was $9.

Yeah.

So, Benny, the reason why, because a girl told me I was fat and

she was not attracted to me when we were making out, and I had to lose the weight.

Why do you keep going like this with your hair?

Because I'm emoted.

And you're a musician, so so I'm just gonna be a little bit more.

You're trying to be cool, dude.

Okay.

What's up, mom?

It's very difficult to get comfortable in this.

That's the point of the chairs.

I love those pants.

Thanks.

Are those

cowhide?

No, they're.

I was shopping with my fiancé at.

Ooh.

What?

Now he's changing again.

Ooh.

I was like, ooh.

Ooh.

No, we were just saying.

Why does everyone have to use these mics?

Why can't they find a better system?

This is one of the best mics in the game.

You've been complaining since you beat it a Benny.

Yeah.

Can and

complaining.

I wanted you to put on your shirt and I thought you look beautiful.

Thank you so much.

Wait a minute.

You don't like these mics?

As someone who is a- No, I do like these mics, but I did.

I don't understand why there's not a version at this point where it's like, we're like...

Hands-free.

Well, we already are hands-free.

Yeah, we're like, but we're like, there's nothing in our face.

We're not wearing a headphone.

Like, we're just talking in a room.

You don't have to wear headphones, but this is how we hear each other more crisp.

And you can hear the levels if we play video.

I know what Benny's saying.

What you're saying?

Like a Lav mic or something?

Or like maybe a mic here?

Yeah, yeah, maybe just like a simple one.

Right.

Benny, what's it like having

a super famous fiancé?

Very good fiancé.

Can you go to, can you, wait, wait, wait, can you go to

a mall?

Like, can you go to the Beverly Center with her?

No.

You never, try.

No, like, let's try.

Well, you don't go to the Beverly Call.

I know, I know.

Well, okay, okay.

Here's, here's,

here's what it is.

She's like a homebody.

Like her favorite thing to do.

Let's not talk about a woman's body on the show.

That's so good.

It's insane, man.

I know.

I'm shaming.

No,

her body's like a house.

It's a big, burly house.

She, no, she just likes to chill at home.

So do you, though?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm like a big chill.

Like, I don't want to go to like, like, we're not going to.

Like, we want to like chill it.

I saw us every night.

Every night I go to that.

Tannin, tannin, tannin.

All I want to do like, I want to, I want to, I want to relax at home with my friends and

drink wine.

I think I'm just getting.

No, I think I'm just getting old.

I think I'm getting older.

What are you, 35?

36.

Wait,

are any of you guys sober?

No, you're not.

I'm in the program.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Are you in the program?

I'm not.

I'm not.

But some of my family, no, some of my family.

I just want to say.

So, like.

I do.

I have powers too, dude.

Okay.

Okay.

I don't have Seleni Gomez power, but I I buy my own power, dude.

Okay.

Okay.

He has Hector Gomez.

Shut up.

Yeah, dude.

The guy we buy fruit from.

He works at Pep Boys, dude.

Okay, okay.

No, no.

I change our tires.

Go ahead.

I don't even know what I was talking about.

Yeah, you do.

Oh,

alcohol.

Okay.

When I was like, until like 31,

I could...

Drink the entire night, sleep zero,

wake, go to bed at 5 a.m., wake up at 6, like work a full day.

Now I have like two drinks and I feel like hungover for three days.

And I just can't, I can't take it.

Why don't you get in the program?

He's in the program getting the program.

So Benny, check this out.

I'm 53.

Yeah.

See this right here 53?

Yeah, thank you.

You look so young.

Thank you, Benny.

See this right here?

That's a gun.

Do you see it?

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

No, it's not a gun.

This is a gun.

Okay, what's this?

This hurts.

Going in your ass?

I'm just saying.

I was trying to make a point that everything hurts.

Oh, yeah, I should should have done that.

Why didn't you just show that?

You're right, you're right, you're right.

I should have just done this.

Yeah, why did I do that?

I don't know.

That's insane.

Are you sure?

Like that you're like feeble and crippled at this point?

No, what I'm saying is that you get arthritis.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

And your body just breaks down.

And I'm sober, and it happens.

In fact, I had my three-year AA birthday Saturday, and nobody came.

Texted me in this room.

Do you know why?

Why?

Because you've had a lot of sober birthdays.

We've had to change the date seven times.

I know, but remember this trophy we gave you for kicking at the habit in 2022?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I relapse too much.

Yeah.

It happens.

It happens.

Well, Benny, Benny is.

It does.

It does.

I come from my family.

He's a child of fetal alcohol syndrome.

No.

I can't already tell.

I could tell a rep.

Don't I look insane?

Can I clear the air?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Benny and I have known each other for so long.

Yeah.

And that is, and you're my dog, and I love you.

And when you did my show and I asked about Selena, the internet got so mad, they thought I was picking on you.

I was like, We were teasing each other.

People were like, Don't be fucking mean to be.

I don't read any comments.

The fans came at me, dude.

My fans look crap.

Dude, not your fans, first of all, they're your fucking wife's fans.

You nerd.

I mean, when you're married to Selena, you're buried.

I'm engaged.

Engaged.

Does that make your upper lip moist?

Because your upper lip right now is so moist.

You eat chapsticks a lot you do why you don't be because i have to now

i would have the upper lip that's moist dude that's so funny he's right yeah when you start dating someone hot and famous you have to have moist lips yeah look at all the hot guys they always have moist i gotta have moist what am i supposed to do my chips my lips are supposed to look like an asshole right like like cracked and he's moisten anyway he's moistening it's not it's not making them moist now oh now you look insane yeah whoa hold on one second are you hello sydney sweeney Yeah.

Yeah, Bobby Lee's right here.

Oh, my God.

Whoa, dude.

That's all it took.

It worked, right?

Yeah, dude.

Are you in a relationship?

That's bullshit.

I want to know.

No one wants to fuck me.

What up?

What do you mean, no one wants to fucking?

Nobody wants to fuck me.

You're bringing it up.

Why?

Because you're with Selena?

I think you're still

you.

Dude, okay, I'm going to say something right now, and we're not going to bring it up again.

I'm so tired of this.

I'm tired of it too.

What is it?

Because you're so lovely.

I'm tired of it too.

Right now.

Yes.

Danny.

Yes.

Right now, what I'm doing is I've talked to my therapist, and I'm going to spend the next six months to a year completely alone.

Why?

Because celibacy?

Yeah.

So no dating at all.

Yeah.

And I'll tell you why.

It's just not happening.

That's not.

No, no, I'm meeting people.

Okay.

Right.

But it's just like, you know, I want to be able to click like this guy and write on a unicorn.

What?

You deserve to be on that unicorn.

Thank you so much.

I like the way you did that.

I can't do that because I'm I'm stuck in a plastic chair in between a like.

Now, if I'm a unicorn, where am I on the unicorn?

Can I be honest?

That doesn't look like a unicorn at all.

No, no, he's not.

Korean unicorns are different.

No, no, no.

I don't think that's the unicorn.

I think that's him on top of you.

Yeah.

Why are your arms hurt?

Is this because arthritis is not?

Yeah, why?

Yeah, arthritis.

What's wrong with your arms?

And why have you been out of breath?

I smoke cigarettes.

So you're just out of breath all the time?

This fucking guy.

Why does everyone come out here?

I'm not saying.

all my frailties.

Okay, wait.

I'm a unicorn.

Where am I on the unicorn?

What happened to your other author?

I'm going left.

Yeah, yeah.

He's never going left, dude.

He's never going right.

Anyway,

I'm sitting on the horn.

You haven't found the wine.

I'm sitting on the horn.

I haven't.

Yeah, yeah.

You deserve the wine.

Anyway, so go at it.

What's what?

What?

What?

What's the question?

This is your date.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so that's the date.

What's the rest of the fucking date?

Well, it's the get-to-know you portion of the date.

Get to know her.

She's right there.

Oh, really?

Yes, so um,

my riot profile is set to 20.

I know, but I'm assuming it's 30.

Okay.

Okay.

So, um, hey,

Kalaya.

No.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no, no.

Wait.

All right, right.

Hi, Mayo.

Would that be a good name?

Mayo.

Mayo?

Mayo.

Hi, Mayo.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Bob.

I would probably do a joke like, do you like Mayo?

Bobby, that wasn't fun.

Bobby, Bobby, can you keep going?

I'm I like this I'm already drowning

I'm already drowning Bobby can you keep going?

Yeah, I'll keep going so Mayo are you LA raised born good am I

raised or born I was born in Tallahassee Tallahassee New York

New York yeah yeah Tallahassee

yeah oh I love Florida so how long you've been in LA

Bobby I get asked this on every day I'll forget it okay um what are your dreams my dreams yeah getting better oh I like that.

Yeah.

Well,

I kind of want to be.

You're not going to make it.

I'm not.

Yeah, I don't think you're going to make it.

Why?

Can I get you guys something to drink?

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Oh, my God.

You look so hot.

Cut it out.

Jesus.

Oh, my God.

Are you doing your Leo phase?

Hey, male.

What?

Yeah.

What the fuck are you doing?

Whoa.

No, what do you mean?

Whoa.

That's weird.

Watch.

Oh, I bring you on a date, you little red-headed fucking thundersticker.

Ma'am, just...

Is this guy bothering you?

He might be a little.

I'll throw him out.

You will?

This is not how you want the date to go, sir.

Yeah.

Fuck you, sir.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Fuck you.

You know what, ma'am?

I'm going to go grab you.

Whoa.

I'm going to grab you by the shoulder.

In the car.

Oh, my God, dude.

Right?

We're going to where you deserve to go.

Shake shack.

Oh, oh, okay.

Now we're at Shake Shack.

That's cool.

Okay, now we are at Shake Shack.

Is he coming?

Yeah, he's got it.

Of course not.

You guys want something to drink?

Yeah, yeah.

He just works.

He works in every round.

And I'm like, oh, my God,

I ask about

who they are.

What I'm trying to get to is

if they're damaged.

And you want to stay in the middle of the damage.

No.

If there's like some sort of deep trauma going on, you know what I mean?

If they have a dream here in LA, can they make it?

Because if they can't make it, I don't want to do it.

How do you know?

How do you know?

Because I'll go on their own.

It's like 40 years to make it.

It takes everyone so long.

Benny, let me ask you something.

You know, you're a producer, right?

Yeah.

Right?

You can hear it.

If you saw a girl's Instagram and saw her singing, would you be able to, can you tell?

Well, I don't know.

Yeah, yes, you can.

Benny, look at me.

This is your girl.

No, no, no.

You're a singer?

I thought she was a boom mic.

Oh, whatever.

Made of singer.

No, but what I'm saying is that can't you tell as a stand-up if a girl, if she's at the open mic level, that she can may or may not make it?

You can usually tell a stand-up if they're gonna, if they're gonna grow, if they're gonna grow.

Exactly.

Usually you'll know if they're so you want someone to grow with you.

No, I just want to be able to look, and she at least she can, you know, she has the ability to make it.

Okay, sure, she has I don't like when people are like, I'm a good singer, and then they can't, and then that means the delusional.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't want delusion, you don't want okay, yeah, yeah, no delusion, I want a good family upbringing, okay.

Delusion, boom, Mike, yeah, boom, Meg.

Wait, but not delusional family upbringing, though.

This is, I always talk about Benny.

No, no, because my mom,

my mom always said, my mom always says this: she always says, she's like, but you know, before

I started, you know, dating Selena, she would always say,

I want you to be with someone from a good family.

And then I don't agree with that.

My mom was from a shitty family.

Like, my mom has a terrible parent.

I don't, you don't get to choose who your parents are.

Sometimes your parents are dickheads.

I don't know.

I don't believe

that they should have like

a close relationship with like someone in their family, but I don't think you have to be best friends with all your family.

It's great if you are.

It's fucking amazing.

But most people's parents are divorced.

Most people, you know, they're, I don't, I don't know.

Your parents aren't divorced.

My parents are both divorced.

Oh, they are?

They are the divorced.

Do you talk to your dad?

I speak to my dad.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

You heard a daddy issue come out right now.

Yeah, I saw it.

I saw it.

I wouldn't date you.

I wouldn't put out.

But I'm Mayo.

You're Mayo.

But Mayo, check this out, okay?

Yes.

Stop pointing at me when you talk to me.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, he's a dad.

Arthurized.

Yeah.

Okay.

If they're in a, let's say their family died in a fire.

Yeah.

Can I be honest with you guys?

I have to go back to the kitchen.

Can I get your drink order?

Because I need to.

No, no, no.

I've been waiting.

No, we have our order.

Just give us a second.

We'll get to get this out of the way.

I'll wait.

Okay.

Yeah.

I have like five or five.

If your parents died in a fire, right?

And then years later, I want to take you camping.

Yes.

Right.

And I light a campfire, you might have PTSD from it.

I want that.

You go camping?

He does.

I do.

You actually camp?

Big camp guy.

You've never camped before.

I actually did a couple months ago.

No, he did.

He does.

And what did you think?

Hated it.

But he does.

But you want to know that if you do go camping and you light a fire your imaginary mayo girlfriend won't have trauma from that yeah yeah this all adds up to me it all adds up you know you guys know what i'm saying you want to know he's not he he's not at the date in he's in my waiter

you're just kidding he's the waiter he just has a stay here yeah yeah i don't have a choice yeah he does tip me very well i guess so yeah okay what are your some of your check marks okay i had i had give me your check mark okay okay i did because before before um i met selena

how'd you meet her?

We've known each other for like 15 years, but I'm saying before we started dating, I remember,

I remember being like, fuck, like, I keep doing the same thing over and over again.

Like, I'm just dating, I'm doing this.

And

my therapist was like, you got to make a checklist.

He was like, you got to make a list of the things you want and need.

And I had a checklist.

And okay, you want to know what mine were?

Super famous.

Yep.

Very rich.

Yep.

Hispanic for some reason.

Hispanic.

Yeah.

For a good reason.

Yeah.

Hot.

Yep.

Okay.

Empathetic.

Yep.

Yep.

Did you say pathetic?

Empathetic.

Oh, I was like, what the fuck?

Yeah.

Empathetic.

Okay.

And pathetic.

Yeah.

And pathetic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And pathetic.

Yep.

And tinier than you.

That was all of them.

Really?

What was the checklist?

That was it.

No, really.

No, the checklist was:

I wanted,

I said 30 or over for me.

Right.

30 or older.

That's what I wanted at the time.

That's how I felt.

30 plus.

I wanted someone who was passionate about something.

They didn't have to make money or anything.

Just that they have a passion and they're going towards something.

Right.

I like, I don't care what it is.

Like, if they were like, I do those little paper football things and I'm the best at flicking it through like this.

I would say, you keep doing that, babe.

Whoa, hey, this is my dream woman.

I didn't get mad at you when yours was Mayo made of sand.

Okay.

All right, Benny, this is how Koreans, when they listen, that's what the face they make.

Watch any movie.

So true.

Have you seen it?

Watch Parasite.

Rewatch Parasite.

That's everyone in Parasite.

Thank you so much, Andrew, for defending my culture.

It is true.

Yeah, yeah.

Is he the waiter or is he Andrew again?

He's still the waiter.

Andrew the waiter.

Andrew the waiter.

All right, so keep going.

Because I'm learning from you.

Okay.

And I wanted someone who was, I wanted someone who was

kind and like who actually like, like,

Selena's incredible when I wake up in the morning I know what's going through her head and now what's going through my head too is like how can we make like today like the best day for both of us like like she's thinking about me and she's thinking and I feel like a lot of times in relationships uh I felt like I was always giving and I wasn't getting what I wanted in return.

And she's so thoughtful, so caring, so compassionate.

So I really wanted someone like that.

I basically manifested the perfect person for me.

And I wanted...

Manifest.

That's what I want too.

Yeah, you gotta.

Let's go down your realistic.

What was your first date like?

Our first date?

Yeah.

Our first date was insane.

Okay.

So I didn't know we were on a date.

Okay.

So here's what happened.

Okay.

Here's what happened.

We had like left, we left the studio one day.

We start texting.

So you're producing her album.

I produced with her and I have for years, for years, for 10 or 20 years.

So you guys are in the studio.

What about this?

Yeah, I was chicken chicken.

Yeah.

and she's like I don't like that sound

Oh you listen I like that yeah yeah yeah

okay go and then you're afterwards go ahead.

Yeah, yeah

Okay, so afterwards She texts me or no, I texted her and I was like oh my god.

I was like I was like what a great set.

I forget what happened something and then

We start texting back and forth and I'm busy that night and and we're just texting back and forth and and yeah real quick.

Yeah.

Is there sexual

When you worked with her before, was there some sort of sexual tension?

There's never been sexual tension.

You never even thought about it.

No, I never thought.

We've always been in relationships.

We've always like there's, there's always, we've never even been single at the same time.

Professional mode always.

Okay.

So, so we start like texting, and somehow we start sending like selfies back and forth.

Oh, that's how it starts.

It was like a selfie thing.

Right.

And

you guys are giggling.

There was, there was giggling, but I wasn't thinking of anything.

I was just like, oh, I'm just like, we're working on a song.

It's cool.

And then she was like,

you want to get some food tomorrow?

And so, okay.

So before, while we were at the session,

we were talking about our dating lives, and I was like, oh, my God, I know so many great guys.

Why don't you like come to our house one day and like we'll have like a dinner and you can meet some people?

Like, I literally wasn't even thinking about it.

Zach Dog.

Wow, wow, wow.

What's going on?

Your throat?

Your third's broken?

Oh, yeah, my throat's broken.

Oh, my God.

Your throat always breaks.

And as a podcaster, I need my throat to work.

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Thin Lizzie.

Oh, why not?

Yeah, dude.

The Pesh mode.

Duran.

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Oh, just Duran.

Duran wasn't there?

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Displayed, collect confessions.

So she decided to come over, and I was like, oh, my friend has a birthday party.

Let's go get some drinks first.

We went to my friend.

My friend has a bar called Stir Crazy.

It's like a wine bar.

We went there first, and then we went to Jitlada, was where my friend was having.

You know that place?

Yeah.

What is it?

What is it?

Thai fit.

It's delightful.

Never invite me to Jitlada.

It's delicious.

Jazz.

She runs.

I love jazz.

I love jazz too.

No, her name is Jazz.

Okay.

Keep going.

You like it?

Stop getting so horny.

We're like, I'm a hard.

Yeah, yeah.

So hard.

Yeah, he's going.

Jazz.

Yeah, jazz.

Thai food my favorite okay, so we're just sitting there and then she's like uh oh no first we're at the wine spot and she said oh my god if this was a if if uh uh she was like man I would have worn something different for this date and I was like I was like we're on a date and then she was like what and then I was like and I was so confused and then she didn't bring it up again and then we're like hanging having the best time she leaves the date like she leaves the dinner party and it was with other people she leaves kind of early she's like I got a video shoot I got to do something early and I was like oh okay.

And then she texts me.

She's like, I haven't had that much fun in so long.

Then, um, you know, I still don't, I'm not like putting this guy.

He's like having sex with her.

He's like, Is this a date?

Yeah,

right.

Yeah, I'm so clueless.

Wow.

So then we're on our, we're, we're like, second date, we're, we're just chilling at my house, and we're like, Who organized the second date?

You said, come over.

I think she was like, let's hang out again.

I was so casual.

And it was so, and I was like, I'm so, I'm so

dumbfounded that she could ever even even like me that I'm like, oh, okay, yeah, let's hang out again.

So, so we're, we're, we're at my house and we're playing this like little game.

And it's like these cards you pull out.

It's so funny that you say that.

What?

That was a Wigovi burp.

Wigovi burp.

Sorry, it was Wigovi.

I'm not bothering you.

At an injection late yesterday.

Did she?

What is Wegovi?

It's the same thing as Ozempic in Manjaro.

Yeah, yeah.

Where does it like dip sick is the Chinese version?

Dipsyk?

He gets Wagovi from overseas.

How long have you been Wagoviing?

Two months.

No, it's more than that.

Three months.

And how much weight have you lost?

15.

Almost 20 pounds.

Really?

Yeah, 15.

And

when will you do it till?

Until you have no torso.

I want to look like Stephen Yoon.

I was just about to say.

Tell him what you told me in Australia.

What did I say?

What are you going to get?

Oh, yeah, a six-pack.

You're going to get a six-pack.

He's going to get buff.

You are?

Yeah.

He's going to get super.

Are you working out?

No.

No.

You don't need to work out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Will govi literally does all that

for you.

Well, let's go back to you and Selena because I just, it was a side second date.

She comes over to your house.

Second day, she comes over to my house.

We're playing the game.

How many people are there?

No, it's just me and her.

Oh my God.

It's just me and her.

And then, wow.

And still in this moment, I'm just like, I'm like,

I'm not even thinking about it like that for some reason.

She's at my house.

There's this game.

And in the game, it says, take a selfie

with the person next to you.

And I was the only one next to her.

So she like comes up towards me and like is on my chest and takes a selfie.

And then I was, and I said, oh my God.

And then I turned.

Oh, my God.

What?

I won't do it.

And I was like, oh, my God.

And then I just kissed her immediately.

And that was our first kiss.

It has to to be a 95%,

you know what I mean?

You have to be 95%

sure.

With Selena Gomez, you do.

With Selena Gomez.

How did you know it was 99%?

I felt it.

When you feel it, you feel it.

Really?

Yeah, I felt it.

You're acting like you've never kissed a person before.

We're getting there.

No, I have.

Oh, so 99%.

Yeah, you felt it.

You can't be 80% sure.

Oh, my God.

If she would have gone like this, if she would have went and turned away,

is the working relationship done at that point?

No more songs.

No, I don't think so.

Really?

No, I think we just talk about it.

But you would have to apologize.

Like, I'm sorry, I read it wrong.

I guess so.

Yeah, I guess so.

Have you had to do that before?

You've read it wrong?

You've read it wrong.

That's never happened to me before.

Wait, wait, have you read it wrong many times in your life?

No.

Just about it.

Like one time.

I read it wrong.

No, it was more than one.

I know it's more than one.

Twice.

You're lying.

Nope.

You're still lying.

It's my time to read it.

My time,

maybe still lying.

Every time.

Every time.

Not every time.

I think there's six to eight in your life, Brad.

You know what, Benny?

Your tone today.

No, I don't.

Dude, it went from like equal grounds to like you being like them.

No, I have you on a roller coaster.

That's right.

I'll defend Bobby again.

You know why?

You know why?

Do you know why he reads it wrong sometimes?

Because Bobby lives in the moment.

He flies free and beautiful.

Exactly.

And on the unicorn.

He's a unicorn.

And so, therefore, he's living in the moment.

He assumes, let me try.

And if he reads it wrong, he says, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought you thought I was wonderful.

And she said, no, I'm not sexually attracted to you.

Hi, I'm not sexually attracted to you.

Will you be my friend?

All right, guys, honestly, can I take a drink order at this point?

We have our appetite.

We're going to work on the appetizer for a second.

We have to discuss this first.

You come here every week.

You know the menu.

I know.

There's only two things on the appetizer, but you know what I mean?

We're not going to get both.

So after the kiss, though, that was it.

That was often.

And then we hung out constantly.

Oh, can I ask you this before you're not getting into?

Yeah.

Did the just you don't have to get into specifics, right?

But did the kiss lead to more that day?

It did not.

Okay, when did that happen?

He wants to know date and time.

No, I don't want no date in time.

I just eventually like, and I don't get specific.

No, no, no.

When did you guys start dating then?

Immediately.

That's what that was the.

Did you spend every day together?

No, because we're both so busy.

Yeah.

But

very, very quickly we realized, you know, when like you first start dating someone, you're like, oh, I can't give them all my time.

But then very quickly, like, it's like, oh, I have an hour free here.

I'll hang out with them.

Oh, I have this time here.

And very quickly, we realized that we were,

I have a go-field for you.

Yeah, very quickly, I realized we were like inseparable.

And

yeah, and I met my best friend.

Who said I love you first?

She did.

She said it so many times by mistake, even.

What do you mean?

Just like on a phone call, like, all right, I love you, bye.

She was getting like,

um,

I forget.

She was getting like dental work or something.

Something happened, and she was like a little woozy.

And

as she was coming to, she was like, I love you.

And I was like, and I, and I, and I, and I, I was so scared.

Some say it didn't work, yeah.

I didn't say it back.

I didn't say it back.

And then one time,

she was,

her and Taylor Swift were at a sushi restaurant, and they were sending me a voice memo.

And they were like, Oh my God, this is so much fun.

We miss you.

We wish you were here.

And she's like, And she was like, We love you.

And then, just like, she literally said, We love you.

And then it was like, and then it ended.

And then, and then

I was waiting.

I knew we were taking this trip to New York, and I was like, First class?

No, no, no, no, private.

No, I don't even fly.

He drives.

He drives.

He drives.

I don't like planes.

I don't like planes.

Do you take planes?

Yeah.

Southwest, baby.

You like Southwest?

Yeah.

Every time this guy has to go to New York, he has a drive.

He's like, I'll be there in three days.

Yeah, I drive.

I do.

I take a boat to Europe.

Are you being real?

I'm being for real.

There's no way.

I swear.

You will get nothing done.

I swear.

I take a fucking boat.

So you don't fly ever.

Be honest with me.

I haven't flown.

I haven't gotten on a plane since two.

Oh, I got on a plane, but I got off of it.

I haven't successfully flown on a a plane since 2018 and before that, 2015.

Before that, 2009.

So you really drive to places?

Yes, and I take a boat.

But I just decided two days ago that I'm going to fly again.

Thank you.

I just decided

I was in the shower and I was sitting on the ground in the shower.

I sit on the ground every time I get in the shower.

Yeah.

And I said, how old?

I said, how what?

That's funny.

Yeah, it's insane.

What?

You don't sit on the ground.

It's insane.

You don't ever sit on the ground in the shower.

What?

What?

No, in the bathtub?

In the tub.

No, no, in the shower.

Sit on the ground.

Let it wash over you.

Sometimes I actually lay down and let the water shoot into my asshole.

Oh,

you never do that.

You never did that before.

Yeah.

You've never done that.

This is what producers are doing.

I literally do him, Rick Rubin.

Quincy Jones.

Yeah, that's a Quincy Jones move right there, dude.

You let it go right in your butt.

Yeah, yeah.

That's where all the good ideas come from.

It feels so good.

Okay, so I was just sitting in the shower shower, and

I was like, how old am I?

I'm 36.

And I said, fuck.

I said, you know,

someone died recently and they were like 90.

And I was like, Jimmy Carter?

I was like, that's 100 years.

I was 100.

100 years.

I was like, I was like, shit, I only get to live my life like two more times.

I was like, I'm going to die and I'm not going to get on an airplane.

I was like, I should just get on an airplane because I might die on that.

I might get cancer tomorrow.

I might, I don't know.

When's the last time you were in New York?

2018?

No, I was in New York like

a month or two ago.

And you you drove there from LA?

I was in New York in December, and I'm going back in two weeks.

And you're driving there, yeah.

Okay,

yeah, I guess.

Yeah, I guess.

I thought you were kidding, dude.

Do you still want to date me?

Yeah.

I'm male.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, man.

For you, male.

So, is the fear of is it because of death?

I'm becoming more attractive to you.

Oh, it's working.

It's working.

See, dude, you wear them down.

Yeah.

Wow.

No, no.

Does that work?

Wearing down.

Be honest.

Be your truth.

Yes.

Wearing down helps.

I think.

I don't know if you want to be like, we fell in love because I wore her down.

Yeah.

But you wore,

in many ways, you wore Selena down, no?

I mean, you were working together for years, right?

So you had that friendship trustworthy.

There was no trying, though.

All right, so I'm not going to try.

Yeah, just go on friends.

Maybe just go on friend dates.

Anyway,

I don't know.

I don't know yet.

I don't know yet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to die soon.

What's the special today, sir?

Oh, today?

Yeah.

There's crab rangoon.

Oh.

And then crab rangoon with like a housemade faux la foie sauce.

I don't know if you guys, you've probably not traveled.

I don't know.

Have you been to France?

I have been.

Oh.

How'd you get there?

I've been a few times by flight, but many times by boat.

Wonderful.

So you do fly, sir?

Before I used to fly.

Wonderful.

And for our main course is going to be a hand-caught squirrel, squirrel loin.

Oh, okay.

And it's slightly seared.

It's served pretty rare.

Do you have hedgehog?

Let me check with the shit.

See if we still have the hedgehog.

Because you got it last week.

Yeah, I got it last week.

We might have run out, but I will check in.

We love

the belly fat of that baby hedgehog.

Oh, my God.

It melts right in your mouth.

Please, cool, good check, please.

Yes, I will.

One second.

Did.

Shit!

Did you,

when you were younger, are you finding it that you're getting girls easier now or when you were younger?

Bro, do you find it easier now that you're fucking rich and famous to get girls versus when you were poor?

I'm all here with you, Bobby.

The way you laughed just now, dude, really pissed me off.

It did.

When you were poor, did it make you mad in real life?

Yeah, it did.

Everyone laughing?

Fuck off.

Did it make you mad in real life?

I was just trying to.

I was being honest.

I know, Benny.

I got...

When I was 23 and I was performing as

an open micer is when I got the confidence to be.

But before that, I was a virgin.

And now he's the king.

And now you're the king.

Were you confident as a yeah, he got blowjobs in high school.

Everybody got blowjobs.

I got blowjob in high school.

I never got one.

Not in high school?

I guess it's 23, dude.

23 was first blowjob.

Was 23 first kiss?

I mean, I kissed out a girl and I kissed her.

Kissed out a girl.

She was knocked out.

I kissed her out.

He kissed her so hard.

Yeah, this room caught her.

Okay.

Yeah, so I kissed a girl in high school.

Her name was.

No need to say the full name.

Why?

Doesn't need that on the internet.

Why is she kidding?

Nothing happened.

We just kissed.

Why is that not a bad thing?

Because what if she doesn't want her name attached to that?

All right, Julie Magalinol.

There it is.

So you kissed Julie Maginal.

Yeah, Maginal.

And then...

Then the next Monday, it was a weekend.

Yeah.

She denied it to everyone that she kissed me.

That's why I said she shouldn't put her full name in this.

Yeah.

And I remember thinking about it for years.

It hurt you.

Oh, my God.

Well, we've all had this moment.

I had, okay, let's all give our embarrassing.

Okay.

I had one.

Yeah.

My freshman year of college, a girl lived literally two doors down.

So gorgeous, like so cool.

And we're all in like a little friendship circle.

And then one night I wrote her a note, like kind of like a confessional, being like, I have this crazy crush on you.

And I was like, my heart, you know, when your heart like hurts, it's beating so hard?

And I slid it under her door and then i went back into my dorm and i was like fuck i was that stupid should i have not done that like what you know like and i just kind of blacked out and thought for like an hour and i hit my hand to god i come i go get something to eat from the commissary i come back and she's down at the end of the hall with a group of like the other people at the end of the hall like a girl and another dude and they were laughing at the note no oh that's so funny and that

fuck yeah no that's your face, you fucking idiot.

That killed me.

That killed me.

That's so sad.

I'm so sorry.

It fucked me up so much.

Oh, my God.

So there's a girl at the Addison Improv.

Oh, it hurt.

That hurt.

She was a waitress.

Okay.

And I opened it for Carlos Mancia back in the 90s, right?

And I hooked up with her.

I had sense with her, right?

Then years later, I ran into another comic, and he's like, talking about her.

You know what I mean?

Yeah,

she hooked up with all these comics.

He listed the name.

And I go, was I in the list?

He goes, no, she didn't mention you.

And I was so hurt by that.

That hurts.

Yeah, yeah.

Give me your hurt.

When I was 13, I asked out my first girl.

Okay.

Like on a date.

My mom literally helped me.

I got flowers and chocolates and I did everything.

And I went to a school that like, it wasn't a great school.

So, and there was like a lot of fights.

There was a lot of bullying, blah, blah, blah.

And there was like a big locker commons.

And there was like, you know, almost 2,000 kids that went to my school.

And she was in the middle, and everyone knew it was going to happen.

So I went and I did it.

And she said, yes.

Okay.

So I'm like, oh, my life.

I'm like, so happy.

But we're so awkward and nervous.

We like, don't even know.

We did like this like weird church hug, like where your butt sticks out.

And then like, we didn't look at each other.

And then we both walked our separate ways.

And I was like, will you be my girlfriend?

And she was like, yeah.

And then

I get to class and I sit down.

And and I remember I'm wearing gray sweatpants and a white t-shirt.

And

do you know,

you know, when like, okay, so I dropped a pen and you know when like you bend over and you bend a little too quick and you fart.

Yeah.

Okay.

I did that.

I bent over and I shit my pants.

Just

full shit.

Didn't see that coming.

Didn't that go yeah 100% like like not even not like a squirt like a full like a like that like that smart water bottle.

Yeah, yeah.

Just like inside.

And I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh my God.

And I, and I do the thing where you like wiggle and I'm like, it's there.

It's in there.

Oh, my God.

And I, and I'm like, it's warm, dude, right?

Yeah.

Oh, it's so hot.

I do the thing where you wiggle.

I don't, I don't, I have no reference to this.

Yeah.

Most people don't shit their pants.

No.

What do you mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You shit your pants before.

Wait, stop for a second.

Did you just hear your tone?

We just met today.

Yes.

And did you just hear your tone?

He shit his pants too.

I know, but I'm saying the way you talk to me, though, is crazy, dude.

No.

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Yeah, okay, good.

Okay, so you wiggle, you feel it, it's warm.

Back on track.

Wait, go back.

Have you shit your pants with him?

Many times.

Millions of times.

He's seen me.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I've been with him.

It's been bad.

My Prius.

Remember the Prius?

Yeah, yeah.

Shit all over it.

So I shit my pants.

Yeah.

And

I say, hey,

can I go to the bathroom?

And in my school, they don't let you go to the bathroom.

for the first 15 minutes or the last 15 minutes because they think everyone's going to skip.

Okay.

And I was like, I really have to go to the bathroom.

And they were like, no.

And I was like,

I'm sick.

And they were like, I'm sorry.

You're going to have to wait.

And I was like, I have to go.

And I was so scared that with any movement, any movement, if I move the wrong way, it could like break the seal through like the bottom of my sweatpants and it smells like I've no.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

And so I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm sitting there and I'm like,

and I just get up and leave.

I get up and leave.

And she says, and the teacher goes, the teacher goes, wait.

And as she's saying, wait, I just turn to the girl and I say, I go, I'll be right back.

And

I close the door.

The teacher's like, coming out.

I run full speed.

Okay.

I run to the bathroom real quick, see if I can fix the situation.

It's unfixable.

It's gone through my pants.

It's in my,

like, it's, it's, it's probably seeped through the other side.

It's unfixable.

I don't know.

I first I throw away the pants and they're still like it's I it cannot be fixed so I run full speed all the way home all the way home and for some reason my mom is wait wait you left the school just running yes are you fucking kidding me I had shit and I lived close to the school okay okay in your underwear or what no I had my I had my sweatpants back on no underwear okay and I remember I go home

I get home.

Somehow my mom was there.

She's never there.

She doesn't even work.

My mom worked in another state.

She's like, hi, honey, the gardener's just leaving.

We don't have a gardener.

I'm like, mom, we don't have what?

What's Bobby doing?

And we're just friends.

She's not sexually attracted.

I mean, it's fine.

It's a, we're just, it's a running, it was a bit.

I don't like it, Bobby.

Drop it, drop it, drop it.

I've been defending you all.

Was your mom mad at you?

My mom immediately sends me back to school.

Doesn't even let me change.

Well, you did, you told her the situation?

Yes.

And she said, I don't care.

You're going back to school.

She said, she said, I said, what's wrong?

I said, what's wrong with your mom, Joe?

She goes, get back to school.

She was probably fucking the guardian.

She was like, get back to school.

So I had to go back to school.

No, you go to the forest.

I went back to school and

I had missed that period.

And somehow, like, I had actually had like an extra pair of underwear in my gym thing because it was gym next.

And like,

I escaped.

It was all good, but it was, it was fully traumatizing.

Wait a minute.

The girl never found out you shit your pants.

But she broke up with me, I think, like two days later.

She never found out.

Never found out.

You need to retell that story and say she did find out.

Okay.

She found

out.

Why?

She found out I shit my pants.

I thought it was heroic what I did.

Yeah.

I thought it was heroic.

No, you weren't.

We did stories where we were embarrassed.

What are you talking about?

I was, so it was the most embarrassing.

She never knew.

She never knew.

All that stuff just was meaningless.

So it doesn't.

You just give us a shit story.

It wasn't even about heartbreak.

The shit section's at the end.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's so.

Shit.

But that wasn't heartbreak.

Okay, well, so you never experienced real heartbreak.

Yeah, yeah.

No, he's never had it.

He's never had it.

And that's why he gets Selena Gomehart.

I know.

We have had heartbreak.

We've had real heartbreak.

Yeah.

By the way, I asked out a girl.

I asked a girl to fucking spring or not prom, but like spring or one of those things.

And she denied me.

No, thank you.

This is real.

This feels good.

And then years later, hit me up online to come to like a show I was playing a show in whatever city she lives in now and hit me up online hey we can't wait to see you get at the show you know can we get some tickets

and I never responded and it felt so fucking good really to deny her oh it was such good payback yeah one time I was at the San Diego American Comedy Company okay and the hot chick from school right from San Diego came from my high school went the ones that never even talked to me right and they're sitting there with their husbands but they now all look like you know I mean sperm whale

I mean, they've got barnacles on their face,

right?

There's plankton all around, you know what I mean?

It's just like they don't look good, right?

And they're just killing, you know.

I mean, I'm looking at them, it feels so good.

God, that feels good.

I love it.

It feels so good.

My friend has the best story of that I've ever heard.

So, my good friend, growing up, we were all doing this thing when you were younger.

Like, you know, how like everyone's like first kiss?

Well, you don't know this part, but no, I'm just, I'm, I'm just saying, you said you didn't kiss when you were 23.

You said, No, he kissed, and I said, Oh, you kissed.

Okay.

So, do you remember?

It's unbelievable.

It's outrageous.

I've never seen it.

He's just trying to be relatable.

He's trying to relate.

A big-time producer comes in here and says, fucking.

You know what I mean?

I've defended you.

No, you haven't?

Yes, I have.

Keep going.

We'll let the crowd decide.

Oh, yeah.

Do you guys want to order your main course at some point?

No, we're going to go to every restaurant.

So, what happened?

What would you like?

Male.

Mayo.

What do you want?

I like his little male.

Yeah, so your friend was?

Okay.

So,

you know, when you're experimenting, everyone's like starting to experiment.

We're all at one house together, and my friend is about to get the first hand job.

All of us.

Nobody's getting a hand job.

He's about to get the first one.

I'm not going to say his name or her name.

Famous person?

No.

What do you mean I'm 13?

This is back home when he's a kid.

I'm 13.

I don't know.

I'm not from L.A.

I don't know if I'm from Virginia.

Oh, your attitude right now penny okay you're i'm sorry you hang out with the top

i wasn't hanging out when i was 13.

oh that's right okay okay so so i'm 13 my friend's about to get a hand job in rural these are flyers or how do you know um

there's flyers there's flyers and he took the little thing that says hand job yeah yeah and so so

he's about to get the hand job We're all waiting outside the bathroom.

They go into the bathroom.

Okay.

And it's like,

there's like rustling and then there's laughing.

The girl runs out and she goes like this.

No.

And he, and he says, and he's, he's mortified, mortified.

Because we were all figuring out we're like in that stage.

We were about to go through puberty.

We're not, we're not sure.

Right.

Like some of some of us had like hair and like our dick was still small.

She's a girl, right?

So her pink is even smaller than a normal pink.

She's very small.

She's small, Asian girl, no less.

And he's, and he's, he's, he's, he's traumatized.

She leaves.

Everyone leaves.

I said, you're going to be fine.

Nobody's even going to remember this.

We're going to go to school tomorrow.

Everything's going to be perfect.

He kills himself.

He kills himself.

We get into school.

We get to school.

And there's a substitute teacher.

And our substitute teachers were like so young.

They were like college students.

This girl's like 21.

And I guess someone had told her the thing.

The sub?

The subs.

And the subs just like.

Is Mark here?

Yeah.

That's literally what she did.

No.

She goes, she goes, is.

Blank here.

And he was so embarrassed.

He even, I remember that day.

She did that?

Yes.

I remember that day.

Subs are red.

We were at home.

We were at home and he was contemplating changing schools.

Yeah.

Changing schools.

He should have done it.

Genders.

Okay.

So,

okay.

Yeah, he's so close already.

I mean,

fast forward.

This man goes through puberty and his cock becomes huge.

I love this shoe.

Oh, I love this.

Huge.

He's got like a, he's got a fucking python in his pants.

It's thick.

It's huge.

How do you know?

He knows.

We all know.

How do you know?

You know.

Yeah, everyone knows.

Everyone knows.

You know.

You know what?

You know.

You know.

Okay.

So he's in college.

He's at a party.

Same girl.

No.

No.

No.

Perfect.

He fucks her.

Sends her to the hospital.

He fucks her.

Wow.

And she's like, ah!

And he's like, and he, and he said it was like the best performance.

He's like, usually I'm terrible at sex.

He's like, it was the best performance I had ever done.

And he said, he said, as he's leaving the next, she's like, she's like,

like the next day he's leaving.

And he just goes, as he walks out.

That's a movie.

This is a movie.

That's it.

Yeah.

Never spoke to her again.

It's like that,

how's them apples?

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

That's that scene.

Yeah.

Isn't that amazing?

It's an amazing true wonder story.

I've never had a wonder story.

Have you ever had a wonder story?

You live a wonder story.

Yeah, what are you talking about?

Oh, that's it.

Your life is perfect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But not like that wonderful.

We all know the guy.

We had a guy in my high school named Kyle.

I'm not going to say his last name, but they called him the elephant because he had a trunk in high school.

He had a cock so big in gym class, you know, like you put on the school-issued gym shorts.

And I'm not kidding when I say this because they were short back in the day.

His penis, if he didn't put it away, would come out of the bottom of the gym shorts.

It was fucking unreal.

Here's another thing that I want to tell people right now.

I'm glad we're bringing this up.

Okay, and I just FYI, anyone that sees me at WeSpa, right, don't recognize me.

What do you think?

You know what I mean?

I'm in this, you're right, you're in a steam room, it's steamy.

Are you Bobby Lee?

I'm like, they say that to you?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And you're we're all naked, right?

And I always have to go, not here.

Not here.

You say you're not Bobby Lee here, but you're Bobby Lee outside or just don't.

I'm Ken Jung here.

Yeah.

You're right.

I'm Ken Jung.

And then we'll go outside on Bobby Lee.

My point is, is that it's one of those places, like when you're eating at a restaurant, where it's like, you don't do it here.

If you're on a date or something, right?

But do you think naked in a spa is not a good place to get recognized?

Just wait till we're out of the locker room.

Right.

Naked spa might be number one.

Number one.

Not to get recognized.

Bathroom is weird too when I'm like pissing your hands.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Where a guy comes up and hits you on the back.

Touching you in the bathroom is insane.

It's hate.

A guy, you know what happened to me the other day?

It's happened to me so many times.

The guy's just pissing and starts talking to me.

And then after he talks to me, he gives me a high five

with his dick hand.

Not necessary.

It's crazy.

Not necessary.

Don't need to do that.

I get picked up.

Yeah, he gets lifted in the back.

Like a trophy.

No, anywhere.

Everywhere.

From behind.

They're like, hey,

I won this or whatever.

Why do they pick you up?

I'm small and I look like I can be picked up.

He's pick up.

How tall are you?

5'3, 5'4 ⁇ .

How tall am I?

You're 5'5.

I'm 5'5.

Yeah.

Thank you, waiter.

Yeah.

Can I honestly get your drinks?

How tall are you?

6'1.

Yeah, he's good.

You're good.

That's good height, right?

Well, people always say, a lot of people always say from the the internet, they don't know how tall we are because of the, at the desks and stuff.

And then they see us together and they're like,

taller than I thought.

I thought you guys were the same size.

Do you know in real life, everyone says, you're so much shorter than I thought.

Yeah, because

they only see you on a screen, standing up.

You also look like Bob Dylan a little bit.

I do.

You should have done that.

Just a little bit.

Can you sing like Dylan?

Come on.

Can't anyone?

Oh, not like Chalamet did.

Dude, I haven't seen the movie.

What?

Did you see him on SNL?

No.

Fucking kill.

I don't know.

He needs to die.

what too talented oh the kid is amazing he's so fucking amazing he is likable love

funny good

sing play the guitar i mean

what the fuck i saw him on uh i like that call me by your name

that that uh the that movie oh the movie from four years ago that was the one you didn't see the new movie he's in no you didn't see the dylan movie i didn't see it yet dude you're a musician yes you're you're so you're so

i usually don't like those type of biopics they're usually like kind of corny Okay, I agree, right?

But this one's not like.

This one is not fucking corny.

Did you like it?

Elvis one.

No.

Did you see Elvis one was corny as fuck?

Okay, did you see it, though?

No.

Yeah, I saw it.

But you're, he is right.

Bohemian Rhapsody.

That's the one I saw.

And I was like, oh, I still can, I can, I'm like, I was right.

I can't see these again.

Because that one was a little corny.

Yeah, they're just like, they're as someone who, like, I really love like all documentaries, like Dylan's documentary.

Incredible.

You're right.

And I love, for me, it's just like,

okay, the type of movies that turn me on and turn me off.

Like, I don't love like those like super Hollywood biopic things.

I don't love like action movies.

They're not like my favorite type of movie.

What do you watch?

Nothing.

Okay, I love like, I love a movie that's gonna like rip my heart out.

Or I love like a.

Amelia Perez.

Yeah, no, I didn't, but I also love like like Force of George,

so good.

Like, I love like Triangle of Face Sadness.

Yeah, I love those type of movies.

And I like like,

I like some horror.

Okay.

And I like

and I really like, what's it called?

I, because horror is different than action.

It's like more, it's like action's like that.

Like, like horror, you're like, horror, you're like, whoa, like, they really did.

It's not just like, like, a really good horror movie is like so beyond.

It's a mind fires.

Yeah.

You've never seen Avengers.

No.

Oh, you won't?

No, I've never seen any of that.

Do you know any of the Avengers?

No.

Name me an Avenger.

I've never, I've not even, I don't know.

But you got to know.

You got to know the superheroes.

You're a pop pop culture.

So maybe, just guess an Avenger.

What do you mean?

Okay, you're the you're okay.

You're

you're Nick Fury, right?

You're like Samuel L.

Jackson's character.

Who the fuck is Nick Fury?

He's just in it.

You don't have to guess now.

Okay, I already just named him, right?

Okay.

So now there's an emergency, right?

There's like Mexican aliens coming down.

Okay.

Right, from the sky.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Mexican from the sky, right?

Yeah.

You need to get it.

And you can hear their spaceship coming from a mile away.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a thousand of them in there.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're saying who's the act?

You're saying who's the act?

No, no, no.

You have to call the actual superhero.

So, who you call it?

I'm your sidekick.

I'm your work for you.

Spider-Man?

Is he an Avenger?

Yes.

Yes.

Call Spider-Man.

Yeah, call Spider-Man.

Okay.

I've only seen one Spider-Man.

I know.

Let's go to Avengers.

We're back to Nuclear.

I don't know any Avengers.

It's trying to guess, throw it out.

Okay,

the Hulk.

Yes.

So you do know.

Yeah, you know.

Wait, really?

Yeah.

I just guessed.

Are they actually Spider-Man and the Hulk?

They're in Avengers, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

You could name any one of them.

You'd probably get it right.

Get it right.

That's it?

That's all you know.

Oh, Wolverine.

That's it.

He is Marvel Universe, not an Avenger.

I've only seen

copyright.

I've only seen.

I think I've only seen one Marvel movie.

Which one was it?

Spider-Man, then.

Oh, is that Marvel?

Okay, then I saw the original Spider-Man with Toby McGuire.

Yeah, I saw that one.

And then, oh, I've seen two.

I saw the one, the animated one, the

open verse, or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I saw that.

Okay.

I went with someone's kid to that one.

Let's clarify that story.

And then, like, so obviously you've never heard, you've never seen any Star Wars or anything like that either.

Then, when I was a kid, I saw Star Wars in school.

Like, we had to watch it in school.

But that's the only time you saw it.

Only time I've ever seen it.

It's so fascinating.

I've never seen Lost.

I've never seen.

That's nothing to do with.

Oh, it's Superhero.

No, no, no.

I thought J.J.

Abrams.

I never saw Glen Gary Glenn Ross.

No, J.J.

Abrams made Lost Stars.

What?

J.J.

Abrams did make Lennon.

He did lost some of the.

Yeah, you know, he made some Star Wars.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

And then I've never seen,

what's another big one of those movies?

All right, so Lord of the Rings.

Never seen it.

Wow.

Harry Potter.

I've never seen

it.

I like Harry Potter.

Okay.

I've never seen Game of Thrones.

Wow.

Not one episode?

Just one episode when Ed Sheeran was at my house and he wanted to stream it because he was in the episode.

It was the only episode I ever saw.

So let's say I'm a girl, right?

You break up with Selena, which is going to happen eventually.

But my point is, is that,

and I'm like, I'm at your house.

It's like, what do you want to watch?

What would we watch together?

Me and you?

Yeah, yeah.

As guys?

No, as I'm a girl.

Don't say that.

Some hot girl.

This is this is mustard.

Yeah,

no, Mayo's cousin.

I would say, yeah, yeah.

What would you watch?

I would say, let's watch Amelia Perez.

I miss my wife.

She was good in a hurry.

Yeah, she's great.

You still have to suck him now?

She is

while you watch Amelia Brown.

I can't even get a commercial agent.

Yeah, Mustard doesn't get a lot of work in this town.

And I love, I really love

the

slapstick comedy that's just going to my naked gun.

Yeah, I love that.

Airplane.

Yeah, I love that.

And I also love like, I love

early days of Seth was so good.

I loved Super Bad, all that shit.

All right, right.

Love that.

And then, and then, yeah, otherwise I want to watch like an indie.

Like, my mom took me when I was a kid, I was watching, like, we were going to see, like, the squid and the whale like you know what i mean it wasn't like all right how about this have you seen all the way through sopranos of course okay don't fucking of course me dude you said a lot of favorite okay okay my family my family like very important shows growing up that we that we watched as a family we watched um sopranos the wire curb your enthusiasm and seinfeld that's that's great those were those were our and my my my parents both have pretty good tastes and stuff i'm also obsessed with any mafia movie so like so like I'm a scourse.

I love scource.

Yeah, yeah.

I was actually just re-watching.

Um, I had COVID like two months ago and was re-watching so many movies.

And I'm just like, oh, I'm just like, I forgot like how good Cape Fear was.

Oh, my God.

And I was just, I was going through like all my favorite movies and like all like, you know, like a Bronx Tale, all those old movies.

Like, those movies are so perfect.

Bronx Tale is so good.

All of them.

All of them.

What's your favorite gangster movie?

Probably either Casino or Goodfellas.

That's everyone's, that's everyone's two.

Casino.

Which one?

Casino more.

Casino more.

I just love it.

I always loved it.

What do you guys think of Untouchables?

It's good.

It is good.

But

it's not at the level.

All right, let's end smoothly because he's got to go.

Because the sweetheart's got to go.

Okay.

Why are you looking at me like that?

I don't know what the fuck.

He's a pro.

I don't know what the fuck you're doing, Benny.

I'm not looking at you.

I have an album coming out.

Woo!

With my better half.

We're doing a joint album.

Yeah, dude.

Clap more for her, not me.

Yeah, we are.

Yeah, we are.

Okay, okay.

Thank you.

Good.

Yeah, don't clap for me.

Selena and Benny dropping an album.

Yeah.

What's it called?

Celina and Benny?

It's called Selena and Benny.

Really?

No.

Oh, what's the problem?

Wait, wait, wait.

Let's guess the album.

Okay, okay.

Yeah.

Okay, okay.

You guys each get three guesses.

Okay.

That's impossible.

What do you mean?

Anything's possible.

It's possible.

All right.

Kentucky Lightning.

That's good.

That's really good.

How did he get it?

That's really good.

No, it's not Kentucky Lightning.

No, it's got to be a duo name.

It's her and him.

So it's got to be like

Almond and Nutcake.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is just our.

You have two now.

Wait.

This is just, it's the album title.

We're going as separate.

Yeah, we're doing album cover.

It's just the title.

Album Coat.

So I gave two.

Yeah, don't give one.

Give me one.

Now you give two.

Fontina Cheese.

Close.

Fuck.

Okay, you do one more.

Crush veneer.

Okay.

Can I do one more?

Yeah.

Isabella, Isabella, not in this lifetime.

I like that one.

That's beautiful.

Pretty good, right?

Is that yours?

Yours is That's Beautiful.

Yeah, no, that was gorgeous.

Oh, okay.

Isabella, Isabella, not in this lifetime is pretty good.

Your album is going to be called

Wonderment.

Yeah.

No, what is it?

It's called,

I said I love it first.

Change it.

Change it to Isabella, Isabella.

I do that.

Can we change it?

I think you should change your album to Shit Pants and Gomez.

Yeah, yeah.

yeah.

Which one?

So, when does the album drop?

I think it's already out by the time it's out right now.

It's out right now.

Go check it out on everything.

This is the future.

Yeah.

It's already out.

Well, this is, we are living in the future.

But is it hard to work with your fiancé or no?

You've been doing it for 20 years.

Is it no, no, no, no, but it wasn't romantically.

It wasn't.

Yeah, it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't romantically before.

Well, what is it now?

Romantically.

No, but it didn't change the work relationship.

Well,

you guys know hookup mid-session.

Yeah, we're just

mid-session hookup.

No,

it's actually better because we can,

I know her so well now.

We can say, we can speak so freely to each other.

And like, really,

you know, if we're like sitting in bed, I'll be like, oh, actually, that thing we did earlier, I thought it'd be better if we did it like this.

And then she'll be like, oh, like, I either like that or I don't.

And we can just talk about it.

Some things you might, you might walk on eggshells a little bit more when you're working with an artist you don't necessarily know that well.

And I think it's so much better.

And we've been able to like, you can say whatever you want.

Like you can talk about, there's no rule.

Like, it's like.

You know how in comedy, like you might say a joke that's something that you would never say in real life, but it's the art of the joke.

That's why you're saying, like, it's not how you actually feel about a person, but you're saying it because you think it's funny.

Right.

And in music, it's the same thing.

Like, you can say something like, let's say I was talking about like someone from my past or she's talking about someone from her past in a song.

If you can, like, talk about that way more than like talking about you know what I mean?

Like, so it's, it's, it's like therapy, and it's, I, I, I found it to be

much easier to work with her than I've worked with anybody else, I think.

Wow, because go listen to the album.

That's I mean, you sold me on it.

I gotta tell you, shit pants, you sold me, bud.

Thank you.

Yeah, and we love you, and you're welcome back anytime.

Go check my new album, Isabella, Isabella.

Shitpants, what is it?

Isabella, Isabella.

I forgot.

You forgot?

Because I want to say something real, though.

Can I say something real to you, Benny?

Yeah, you can say something.

We didn't know much about you before.

Yeah.

I really like you, man.

He's a nice guy, intelligent.

I think we have a lot in common.

I don't know about that one.

No, I think so, too.

We're the underdogs.

We're the underdogs.

And you're winning.

And I love it.

You're winning.

Yeah, yeah.

So give Benny a round of applause, everybody.

Thank you for being a bad friend.