benny blanco-gomez

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Speaker 2 Hello! Hello. Hello, mate.

Speaker 3 My Benjamin Toast. We're coming to London, England, and Dublin, Ireland.

Speaker 2 Right. London, England, Dublin, Ireland, July 18th and July 19th for Ireland.
That's right.

Speaker 3 18th in London, 19th in Ireland. You guys, come out and see us.
Go to badfriendspod.com.

Speaker 2 Kicks are going fast.

Speaker 3 They are going very fast. Dublin's about to shell out.

Speaker 2 Sell out.

Speaker 3 So, July 18th and 19th, go to badfriendspod.com. You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 3 We're bad friends. What is this shirt that you got in Australia? Look at Bobby got a shirt in Australia.

Speaker 2 It's a stress, dude.

Speaker 3 You cannot fit in this.

Speaker 2 Why can't he fit in it? Dude, it's a sister. He's saying that I'm fat.
I think you fit in that easily. Thank you, Benny.
What are you talking about? Do you actually think he can't fit in it? No, dude.

Speaker 2 Put it on. A part of him.

Speaker 2 This is no,

Speaker 2 it looks exactly.

Speaker 2 What the problem is. No, look at this.
I'm going to wear it now. You clearly can't fit it.
Take my one off first. No, I'm going to do it off.
No. Why do you have have to do it off? Do it on.

Speaker 2 Do you have babies? On, on, on, on, on, on. Oh, you look great.

Speaker 2 Ozempic. Are you on Ozempic? He is.
He's working. Actually, yeah.

Speaker 2 Why are you on Ozempic? He's on the other one. He's a fat dude.

Speaker 2 So you could fit in the shirt you bought. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That shirt was $9,000. No, it's got to fit.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's see. It fits.
It fits perfectly. It fits good.
It's perfect.

Speaker 2 Wow, dude.

Speaker 2 I like it. I want to wow now.
Wait, are you actually on Ozempic? Yeah, I am.

Speaker 3 Really? Not Ozempic. He's on the other one.
Manjaro.

Speaker 2 No, Wugovi. No, but I was on a Wagica.
What's Wugovi? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, there is no Wu Go. You just made up it.
No, Wugova.

Speaker 3 Hey, dude, we're not as successful as you. We can't afford

Speaker 2 premium.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about? That shirt was $9,000. I know.
It was $9.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, Benny, the reason why, because a girl told me I was fat and

Speaker 2 she was not attracted to me when we were making out, and I had to lose the why do you keep going like this with your hair? Because I'm emoted.

Speaker 2 And you're a musician, so I'm dying. You're trying to be cool.
Cool, dude. Okay.
What's up, mom?

Speaker 2 It's very difficult to get comfortable in this.

Speaker 3 That's the point of the chairs.

Speaker 3 I love those pants. Thanks.
Are those

Speaker 2 cowhide? No, they're, they're, uh,

Speaker 2 they're, I was shopping with my fiancé at

Speaker 2 what, now he's changing again.

Speaker 2 Ooh.

Speaker 2 I was like, ooh, ooh,

Speaker 2 dude. No, we were just.

Speaker 2 We're going.

Speaker 2 Why does everyone have to use these mics? Why can't they find a better system?

Speaker 3 This is one of the best mics in the game.

Speaker 2 You've been complaining since you beat it a bit.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What are you complaining? I wanted you to put on your shirt and I thought you look beautiful. Thank you so much.

Speaker 3 Wait a minute. You don't like these mics? As someone who is in the middle of the video.

Speaker 2 No, I do like these mics, but I don't understand why there's not a version at this point where it's like, we're like... Hands-free.
Well, we already are hands-free.

Speaker 2 We're like, but we're like, there's nothing in our face. We're not wearing a headphone.
Like, we're just talking in a room.

Speaker 3 You don't have to wear headphones, but this is how we hear each other more crisp and you can hear the levels if we play video.

Speaker 2 I know what Benny's saying. What you're saying, like a love mic or something? Or like maybe a mic here? Yeah, yeah, maybe just simple.

Speaker 2 Benny, what's it like having

Speaker 2 a super famous fiancé?

Speaker 2 Very good fiancé. Can you go to, can you, wait, wait, wait, can you go to

Speaker 2 a mall? Like, can you go to the Beverly Center with her? No. You never try.
No, like, let's try. Well, you don't go to the Beverly Center.
I know, I know. Well, okay, okay.
Here's, here's,

Speaker 2 here's what it is:

Speaker 2 she's like a homebody. Like, her favorite thing to do.

Speaker 3 Let's not talk about a woman's body on the show.

Speaker 2 That's so diminished. Your wife's so damned is insane.
I know, I'm shaming her. No, the her body's like a house,

Speaker 2 it's a big burly house. She uh, no, she just likes to chill at home.
So do you, though, yeah, yeah, I'm like a big chill, like, I don't want to go to like, like, we're not going to

Speaker 2 like, we want to, like, chill it.

Speaker 3 I saw us every night.

Speaker 2 Every night I go to the Ultimate.

Speaker 2 All I want to get it. Like, I want to, I want to, I want to relax at home with like my friends and, like, drink wine.
And, like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I feel like, I think, I think I'm just getting, no, I think I'm just getting old. Like, I think I'm getting older.
What are you, 35? 36. Wait,

Speaker 2 are any of you guys sober? No, you're not.

Speaker 2 I'm in the program. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Are you in the program? I'm not. I'm not.

Speaker 2 But some of my family, no, some of my family. I just want to say.
So, like.

Speaker 2 I do. I have powers too, dude.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 I don't have Selena Gomez's power, but I buy my own power, dude. Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 He has Hector Gomez. The guy that works.
Shut up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. The guy we buy fruit from.
He works at Pep Boys, dude. Okay.
Okay. No, no.

Speaker 2 Change your tires.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. I don't even know what I was talking about.
Yeah, you do. Oh,

Speaker 2 alcohol. Okay.
When I was like,

Speaker 2 until like 31,

Speaker 2 I could drink the entire night, sleep zero,

Speaker 2 wake, go to bed at 5 a.m., wake up at 6, like work a full day. Now I have like two drinks and I feel like hungover for three days.

Speaker 2 And I just can't, I can't take it.

Speaker 3 Why don't you get in the program? He's in the program getting the program.

Speaker 2 So, Benny, check this out. I'm 53.
Yeah. See this? You're 53? Yeah, thank you.
You look so young. Thank you, Benny.
See this right here? That's a gun. Do you see it? Yeah.
Right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, it's not a gun. This is a gun.
Okay, what's this? This hurts.

Speaker 2 Going in your ass?

Speaker 2 I'm just saying.

Speaker 2 I was trying to make a point that everything hurts. Oh, yeah, I should have done that.
Why didn't you just show that?

Speaker 2 You're right, you're right, you're right. I should have just done this.

Speaker 2 Yeah, why did I do that? I don't know.

Speaker 2 That's insane. Like, are you sure?

Speaker 2 Like, that you're like feeble and crippled at this point?

Speaker 2 No, what I'm saying is that you get arthritis. Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? And your body just breaks down.

Speaker 2 And I'm sober, and it happens. In fact, I had my three-year AA birthday Saturday, and nobody came.

Speaker 2 Texted me in this room. Do you know?

Speaker 2 Do you know why?

Speaker 3 Why? Because you've had a lot of sober birthdays.

Speaker 2 Yeah. We've had to change the date date seven times.

Speaker 3 I know, but remember this trophy we gave you for kicking at the habit in 2022? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I relapse too much. Yeah.
It happens.

Speaker 3 It happens.

Speaker 2 Well, Benny, Benny is. It does.
It does. I come from my family.

Speaker 3 He's a child of fetal alcohol syndrome.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I can already tell.

Speaker 2 I can tell a rep.

Speaker 2 Don't I look insane? Can I clear the air? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Benny and I have known each other for so long and that is and you're my dog and I love you.

Speaker 3 And when you did my show and I asked about Selena, the internet got so mad they thought I was picking on you. I was like, we were teasing each other.
People were like, don't be fucking mean to be.

Speaker 2 I don't read any comments. The fans came at me, dude.
My fans look crap.

Speaker 3 Dude, not your fans, first of all. They're your fucking wife's fans.

Speaker 2 You nerd. I mean, when you're married to Selena, you're buried? I'm engaged.
Engaged. Does that make your upper lip moist? Because your upper lip right now is so moist.

Speaker 3 You eat chapsticks a lot.

Speaker 2 You do. Why? You don't be because I have to now.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't have the upper lip that's moist.

Speaker 3 Dude, that's so funny. He's right.
Yeah. When you start dating someone hot and famous, you have to have moist lips.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Look at all the hot guys. They always have moist.

Speaker 2 I got to have moist. What am I supposed to do?

Speaker 2 My lips are supposed to look like an asshole. Right.
Or like get me cracked and

Speaker 2 he's moistening.

Speaker 2 It's not making them moist.

Speaker 2 Oh, now you look insane. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Whoa, hold on one second.

Speaker 3 Hello, Sidney Sweeney.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, Bobby Lee's right here.
Oh, my God. Whoa, that's all it took.
It worked, right? Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 Are you in a relationship? That's bullshit. I want to know.

Speaker 2 No one wants to fuck me. Shut up.
What do you mean, no one wants to fucking? Nobody wants to fuck me. You're bringing it up.
Why? Oh, because you're with Selena? I think you're still

Speaker 2 you. Dude, okay, I'm going to say something right now, and we're not going to bring it up again.
I'm so tired of this.

Speaker 2 I'm tired of it too. What is it? Because you're so lovely.

Speaker 2 I'm tired of it too.

Speaker 2 Right now. Yes.

Speaker 2 Benny. Yes.
Right now, what I'm doing is I've talked to my therapist, and I'm going to spend the next six months to a year completely alone. Why? Because...
Celibacy?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 So no dating at all. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I'll tell you why. It's just not happening.
That's not. No, no, I'm meeting people.
Okay. Right.
But it's just like, you know, I want to be able to click like this guy and write on a unicorn.

Speaker 2 You deserve to be on that unicorn. Thank you so much.
I like the way you did that.

Speaker 2 I can't do that because I'm stuck in a plastic chair in between a like bigger than my unicorn. Now, if I'm a unicorn, where am I on the unicorn? Can I be honest?

Speaker 3 That doesn't look like a unicorn at all.

Speaker 2 No, no, he's not.

Speaker 2 Korean unicorns are different. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 I don't think that's the unicorn. I think that's him on top of me.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Why are your arms hurt? Is this because our threat has to be?

Speaker 2 Yeah, why? Yeah, our throat has. What's wrong with your arms? And why have you been out of breath?

Speaker 2 I smoke cigarettes. So you're just out of breath all the time? This fucking guy.
Why does everyone come out here?

Speaker 2 I'm not saying.

Speaker 2 I just want to know. All my frailties.
Okay, wait. I'm a unicorn.
Where am I on the unicorn? What happened to your other author?

Speaker 2 I'm going left.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm going left, dude. He's never going right.
Anyway,

Speaker 2 I'm sitting on the horn. You haven't found the wine.
I'm sitting on the horn. I haven't.
Yeah, yeah. You haven't found the one.
You deserve the wine. Anyway, so go ahead.

Speaker 2 What? What's the question? This is your date. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, so that's the date. What's the rest of the fucking date? Well, it's the get-to-know you portion of the date.

Speaker 3 Get to know her.

Speaker 2 She's right there. Oh, really? Yes, so um...
Hi, my my riot profile set to 20.

Speaker 2 I know, but I'm assuming it's 30. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So, um, hey,

Speaker 2 Kalaya.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 oh, yeah, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 All right, right. Hi, Mayo.

Speaker 2 Would that be a good name? Mayo. Mayo? Mayo.
Hi, Mayo. Hi.
Hi.

Speaker 2 Hi, Bob. I would probably do a joke like, do you like Mayo?

Speaker 2 Bobby, that wasn't fun.

Speaker 2 Bobby, Bobby, can you keep going? I know. I'm drowning.
I like this. I'm already drowning.

Speaker 2 I'm already drowning. Bobby, can you keep going? Yeah, I'll keep going.
So, Mayo, are you L.A. raised, born? Good.

Speaker 2 Raised or born? I was born in Tallahassee. Tallahassee, New York.
No. Tallahassee.
That's Tennessee. New York.
Yeah, Tallahassee, New York. Florida.
In Florida?

Speaker 2 Oh, I love Florida.

Speaker 2 How long have you been in L.A.?

Speaker 2 Bobby, I get asked this on every day. Oh, forget it.

Speaker 2 What are your dreams? My dreams? Yeah. Getting better.
Oh, I like that. Yeah.
Well,

Speaker 2 I kind of want to be. You're not going to make it.
What?

Speaker 2 I'm not? Yeah, I don't think you're going to make it. Why? Can I get you guys something to drink? Oh, hi.
Hi. Oh, my God.
You look so hot. I cut it out.
Jesus. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Are you doing your Leo phase? Hey, Mayo. What? Yeah.
What the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 2 Whoa. No, what do you mean, whoa? That's weird.

Speaker 2 Oh, I bring you on a date, you little red-headed fucking thundersticker.

Speaker 3 Ma'am, just, is this guy bothering you?

Speaker 2 He might be a little. I'll throw him out.
You will?

Speaker 3 This is not how how you want the date to go, sir.

Speaker 2 Yeah, fuck you, sir. Whoa, yeah, fuck you.
You know what, male? I'm gonna go grab you. Whoa, I'm gonna grab you by the shoulder.

Speaker 2 In the car, oh my god, dude, right? We're going to where you deserve to go. Shake shack.
Oh, oh, okay, now we're shake shacking. That's cool.

Speaker 2 Okay, now we are at Shake Shack. Is he coming? Yeah, he's coming.
Of course, not.

Speaker 2 You guys want something to drink? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He just works. He works in every round.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I ask about

Speaker 2 who they are.

Speaker 2 What I'm trying to get to is

Speaker 2 if they're damaged.

Speaker 2 And you want to stay in the middle of the street.

Speaker 2 No. If there's some sort of deep trauma going on, you know what I mean? If they have a dream here in L.A.,

Speaker 2 can they make it?

Speaker 2 Because if they can't make it, I don't want to do it. How do you know?

Speaker 2 How do you know? Because I'll go on the internet. It's like 40 years to make.

Speaker 3 It takes everyone so long.

Speaker 2 Benny, let me ask you something. You know, you're a producer, right? Yeah.
Right?

Speaker 2 You can hear it.

Speaker 2 If you saw a girl's Instagram and saw her singing, would you be able to, can you tell?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Yeah, yes, you can.

Speaker 2 Annie, look at me. This is your girl.
No, no, like that. You're a singer? I thought she was a boom mic.
Oh, whatever.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. What I'm saying is that can't you tell as a stand-up, a girl, if she's at the open mic level, that she can may or may not make it?

Speaker 3 You can usually tell a stand-up if

Speaker 3 they're going to grow, if they're going to grow.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 3 Usually you'll know if they're.

Speaker 2 So you want someone to grow with you. No, I just want to be able to look, and she at least she can, you know, she has the ability to make it.
Okay. Sure.
She has.

Speaker 2 I don't like when people are like, I'm a good singer and then they can't. And then that means the delusional.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want delusion.
You don't want okay. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 No delusion. I want a good family upbringing.
Okay, delusion, boom, Mike. Yeah, boom, Meg.
Wait, but not delusional. Family upbringing, though.
This is, I always talk about

Speaker 2 my mom always said, my mom always says this. She always says, she's like, but you know,

Speaker 2 before I started, you know, dating Selena, she would always say,

Speaker 2 I want you to be with someone from a good family. And then I don't agree with that.
My mom was from a shitty family. Like, my mom has a terrible parent.

Speaker 2 I don't, you don't get to choose who your parents are. Sometimes your parents are dickheads.
I don't know. I don't believe, I believe that they should have like

Speaker 2 a close relationship with like someone in their family, but I don't think you have to be best friends with all your family. It's great if you are.
It's fucking amazing.

Speaker 2 But most people's parents are divorced. Most people, you know, they're, I don't, I don't know.
My parents aren't divorced. My parents are both divorced.
Oh, they are? They are the divorced.

Speaker 2 You talk to your dad?

Speaker 2 I speak to my dad. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.

Speaker 3 You heard a daddy issue come out right now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I saw it. I saw it.
I wouldn't date you.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't date you.

Speaker 2 But I'm Mayo.

Speaker 2 But Mayo, check this out, okay? Yes. Stop pointing at me when you talk to me.

Speaker 2 What's wrong with you? Oh, he has a fairy.

Speaker 2 Authorized friends.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay.
If they're in a, let's say their family died in a fire. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Can I be honest with you guys? I have to go back to the kitchen. Can I get your drink order? Because I need to.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. I've been waiting.
to get no we have our order. Just give us a second to get this out of the way.
I'll wait here. Okay.
Okay. Yeah.
I have like five or six.

Speaker 2 If your parents died in a fire, right? And then years later, I want to take you camping. Yes.
Right. And I light a campfire, you might have PTSD from it.
I want that. You go camping? He does.
I do.

Speaker 2 You actually camp? Big camp guy. You've never camped before.
I actually did a couple months ago. No, he did.
He does. And what did you think? Hated it.
Okay. But he does.

Speaker 2 But you want to know that if you do go camping and you light a fire, your imaginary Mayo girlfriend won't have trauma from that. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 This all adds up to me. It all adds up.

Speaker 2 You guys know what I'm saying. You want to know.

Speaker 2 He's not at the date. He's in my waiter, Penny.

Speaker 2 You're just kidding. He's the waiter, man.
He just has to stay here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I don't have a choice.

Speaker 2 He does tip me very well. I guess so.
Yeah. Okay.
What are some of your check marks? Okay, I had, I had a. Give me your check marks.
Okay. Okay.
I did, because before, before

Speaker 2 I met Selena,

Speaker 2 how'd you meet her?

Speaker 2 we've known each other for like 15 years, but I'm saying before we started dating, I remember,

Speaker 2 I remember being like, fuck, like, I keep doing the same thing over and over again. Like, I'm just dating, I'm doing this.
And

Speaker 2 my therapist was like, you got to make a checklist. He was like, you got to make a list of the things you want and need.

Speaker 2 And I had a checklist. And okay, you want to know what mine were?

Speaker 3 Super famous.

Speaker 2 Yep. Yep.
Very rich. Yep.
Hispanic for some reason. Hispanic.

Speaker 2 For a good reason. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hot. Yep.
Okay. Empathetic.
Yep. Yep.
Did you say pathetic? Empathetic. Oh, I was like, what the fuck? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Empathetic. Okay.

Speaker 2 And pathetic. Yeah.
And pathetic. Yeah.
Yeah. And pathetic.
Yep.

Speaker 3 And tinier than you.

Speaker 2 That was all of them. Really? What was the checklist? That was it.
No, really.

Speaker 2 No, the checklist was

Speaker 2 I wanted.

Speaker 2 I said 30 or over for me. Right.
30 or older. That's what I wanted at the time.
That's how I felt. 30 plus.

Speaker 2 I wanted someone who was passionate about something. They didn't have to make money or anything.
Just that they have a passion and they're going towards something. Right.

Speaker 2 I like, I don't care what it is. Like, if they were like, I'm, I do those little paper football things and I'm the best at flicking it through the like this.
I would say, you keep doing that, babe.

Speaker 2 You may, whoa, hey, this is my dream woman. I didn't get mad at you when yours was Mayo made of sand.
Okay.

Speaker 2 All right, Benny. This is how Koreans, when they listen, that's what the face they make.
Watch any movie.

Speaker 2 So true. Have you seen it? Watch Parasite.
Rewatch Parasite.

Speaker 3 It's everyone in Parasite.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much, Andrew, for defending my culture. It is true.
Yeah, yeah. Is he the waiter or is he Andrew again? He's still the waiter.
Andrew, the waiter. Andrew the waiter.

Speaker 2 All right, so keep going.

Speaker 2 Because I'm learning from you. Okay.
And I wanted someone who was, I wanted someone who was

Speaker 2 kind and like who actually like, like,

Speaker 2 Selena's incredible. When I wake up in the the morning, I know what's going through her head.

Speaker 2 And now what's going through my head too is like, how can we make like today like the best day for both of us?

Speaker 2 Like, like she's thinking about me and she's thinking, and I feel like a lot of times in relationships,

Speaker 2 I felt like I was always giving and I wasn't getting what I wanted in return. And she's so thoughtful, so caring, so compassionate.
So I really wanted someone like that.

Speaker 2 I basically manifested the perfect person for me. And I wanted.
Manifest. That's what I want to.
Yeah, you gotta.

Speaker 3 Let's go down your realistic.

Speaker 3 What was your first date like?

Speaker 2 Our first date? Yeah. Our first date was insane.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So I didn't know we were on a date. Okay.
So here's what happened. Okay.
Here's what happened. We had like left, we left the studio one day.
We start texting.

Speaker 2 So you're producing her album.

Speaker 2 I produced with her, and I have for years, for years, for 10 or 6 years. So you guys are in the studio.

Speaker 2 What about this?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was chicken chicken.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she's like, I don't like that sound. How about that? Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb.
Oh, you listen to me. I like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 2 And then you're afterwards, go ahead. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. So afterwards, she texts me.
Or no, I texted her. And I was like, oh my God.
I was like, I was like, what a great set. I forget what happened, something.

Speaker 2 And then we start texting back and forth. And I'm busy that night and we're just texting back and forth.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 real quick.

Speaker 2 Is there sexual,

Speaker 2 when you worked with her before, was there some sort of sexual tension? There's never been sexual tension. You never even thought about it.
No, I never thought. We've always been in relationships.

Speaker 2 We've always like there's always there's we've never even been single at the same time. Professional mode always.
Okay, so so

Speaker 2 we start like texting and somehow we start sending like selfies back and forth.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's how it starts.

Speaker 2 It was like a selfie thing. Right.
And you guys are giggling.

Speaker 2 There was giggling, but I wasn't thinking of anything. I was just like, oh, I'm just like, we're working on a song.
It's cool. And then she was like,

Speaker 2 you want to get some food tomorrow? And so, okay. So before, while we were at the session, I was talking, we were talking about our dating lives.
And I was like, oh my God, I know so many great guys.

Speaker 2 Why don't you like come to our house one day and like, we'll have like a dinner and you can meet some people. Like, I literally wasn't even thinking about it.
Zach Dog. Wow, wow, wow.
What's going on?

Speaker 2 Your throat? Your throat's broken? Yeah, my throat's broken. Oh, my God.
Throat always breaks. And as a podcaster, I need my throat to work.
Yeah. I have a recommendation.
What? Zock Doc. Oh, Zoc Doc.

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Speaker 3 That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash bad friends.

Speaker 2 ZocDoc.com slash bad friends. Display.

Speaker 2 If I had displayed it in the 80s, because I had a lot of rock posters on my wall.

Speaker 3 Let me guess some of the bands that were on their wall. Go ahead.
Thin Lizzie.

Speaker 2 Oh, why not? Yeah, dude. The Pesh mode.
Duran.

Speaker 3 Duran Duran. No, just Duran.

Speaker 2 Oh, just Duran.

Speaker 3 Duran wasn't there? Yeah.

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Speaker 2 So she decided to come over, and I was like, oh, my friend has a birthday party. Let's go get some drinks first.
We went to my friend. My friend has a bar called Stir Crazy.
It's like a wine bar.

Speaker 2 We went there first. And then we went to Jitlada, was where my friend was having.
You know that place? Yeah. What is it? What is it?

Speaker 2 Thai Phaeton. It's delicious.
Never invite me to Jitlada. It's delicious.
Jazz. She runs.
I love Jazz. I love Jazz too.
No, her name is Jazz. Okay.

Speaker 2 Keep going. You like it?

Speaker 2 Stop getting so horny. We're like, I'm a hard.
Yeah. Yeah.
So hard? Yeah. Keep going.
Jazz. Yeah, Jazz.
Thai food, my favorite. Okay.
So we're just sitting there. And then she's like,

Speaker 2 oh, no, first we're at the wine spot. And she said, oh, my God, if this was a, if, if, uh, uh, she was like, man, I would have worn something different for this date.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I was like, we're on a date? And then she was like, what? And then I was like, and I was so confused. And then she didn't bring it up again.

Speaker 2 And then we're like hanging, having the best time. She leaves the date, like, she leaves the dinner party.
And it was with other people. She leaves kind of early.
She's like, I got a video shoot.

Speaker 2 I got to do something early. And I was like, oh, okay.
And then she texts me. She's like, I I haven't had that much fun in so long.
Then, um, you know, I still don't. I'm not like putting this guy.

Speaker 2 He's like having sex with her. He's like, Is this a date?

Speaker 2 Yeah. This is a date, right? Yeah.
I'm so clueless. Wow.
So then we're on our, we're, we're like, second date, we're, we're just chilling at my house.

Speaker 3 And we're like, who organized the second date? You said, come over.

Speaker 2 I think she was like, let's hang out again. It was so casual.
And it was so, and I was like, I'm so, I'm so

Speaker 2 dumbfounded that she could ever even like me. That I'm like, oh, okay, yeah, let's hang out again.

Speaker 2 So, so we're, we're, we're at my house, and we're playing this like little game, and it's like these cards you pull out. It's so funny that you say that.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 That was a we govie burp. Wagovi burp.

Speaker 2 Sorry, that was

Speaker 2 an injection late yesterday. Did you?

Speaker 2 What is we govie? It's the same thing as Ozempic and Manjaro. Yeah, yeah.
Where does it get like

Speaker 3 Dipsic is the Chinese version? Dipsyk?

Speaker 3 He gets wagovi from overseas.

Speaker 2 How long have you been wagoviing?

Speaker 2 Two months.

Speaker 3 No, it's more than that. Three months.

Speaker 2 And how much weight have you lost?

Speaker 2 15.

Speaker 3 Almost 20 pounds.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah, 15. And

Speaker 2 when will you do it till you have no torso left?

Speaker 2 I want to look like Stephen Yoon. I was just about to say.

Speaker 3 Tell him what you told me in Australia. What did I say?

Speaker 2 What are you going to get?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, a six-pack. You're going to get a six-pack.

Speaker 3 He's going to get buff.

Speaker 2 You are? Yeah. He's going to get super.
Are you working out? No. No.

Speaker 3 You don't need to work out. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Govie literally does all that out for you.

Speaker 2 Let's go back to you and Selena because I just, it was a side second date.

Speaker 3 She comes over to your house.

Speaker 2 Second date she comes over to my house. We're playing the game.

Speaker 3 How many people are there?

Speaker 2 No, it's just me and her. Oh, my God.
It's just me and her. And then, wow.
And still in this moment, I'm just like, I'm like,

Speaker 2 I'm not even thinking about it like that for some reason.

Speaker 2 She's at my house. There's this game.
And in the game, it says, take a selfie

Speaker 2 with the person next to you. And I was the only one next to her.
So she like comes up towards me and like is on my chest and takes a selfie. And then I was, and I said, oh my God.

Speaker 2 And then I turned. Oh, my God.
What?

Speaker 2 Don't do it.

Speaker 2 And I was like, oh, my God. And then I just kissed her immediately.
And that was our first kiss. It has to be a 95%,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? You have to be 95%

Speaker 2 higher. 99% sure.

Speaker 3 Which Selena Gomez, you do.

Speaker 2 Which Selena Gomez.

Speaker 2 How did you know it was 99%?

Speaker 2 I felt it.

Speaker 3 When you feel it, you feel it.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah, I felt it. Yeah, he felt it.
You're acting like you've never kissed a person before.

Speaker 2 I'm getting, no, I have. Oh, so 99%.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you felt it.

Speaker 2 You can't be 80% sure.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 If she would have went like this, if she would have went and turned away,

Speaker 2 is the working relationship done at that point?

Speaker 3 No more songs.

Speaker 2 No, I don't think so. Really? No, I think we just talk about it.
But you would have to apologize. Like, I'm sorry, I read it wrong.
I guess so.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess. Have you had to do that before?

Speaker 2 You've read it wrong? You've read it wrong. I've read it wrong, yeah.
That's never happened to me before.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, have you read it wrong many times in your life? No. Just about it.
Like one time. I read it wrong.
No, it was more than one. I know it's more than once.

Speaker 2 You're lying. Nope, you're still lying.

Speaker 2 My time.

Speaker 2 no maybe still lying i think every time every time i don't know every time not every time i think there's i think there's six to eight in your life yeah you know what benny your tone today no it went dude it went from like equal grounds to like you being like them no i have you on a roller coaster that's right yeah i'll defend bobby again you know why you know why do you know why he reads it wrong sometimes

Speaker 3 because bobby lives in the moment he flies free and beautiful exactly and on the unicorn he's a unicorn and so therefore he's living in the moment he assumes let me try.

Speaker 3 And if he reads it wrong, he says, I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah.
I thought you thought I was wonderful. And she said, no, I'm not sexually attracted to you.

Speaker 2 Hi, I'm not sexually attracted to you. Will you be my friend?

Speaker 3 All right, guys, honestly, can I take a drink order at this point?

Speaker 2 We have our appetite. We're going to work on the appetizer for a second.
We have to discuss this first.

Speaker 3 You come here every week.

Speaker 2 You know the menu. I know.
There's only two things on the appetizer, but you know what I mean? We're not going to get both.

Speaker 3 So after the kiss, though, that was it.

Speaker 2 That was often. And then we hung out constantly.
Oh, can I ask you this before you're not getting into it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Did the just you don't have to get into specifics, right? But did the kiss lead to more that day? It did not.

Speaker 2 Okay, when did that happen?

Speaker 3 He wants to know date and time.

Speaker 2 No, I don't want to know date and time. I just eventually like, and I don't get specific.
No, no, no.

Speaker 2 When did you guys start dating then? Immediately. That's what that was.

Speaker 3 Did you spend every day together?

Speaker 2 No, because we're both so busy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 very, very quickly, we realized, you know, when like you first start dating someone, you're like, oh, I can't give them all my time.

Speaker 2 But then very quickly, like, it's like, oh, I have an hour free here. I'll hang out with them.
Oh, I have this time here. And very quickly, we realized that we were,

Speaker 2 I have a Woo-Go fee, Burt. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Very quickly, I realized we were like inseparable. And

Speaker 2 I love. Yeah.
And I met my best friend.

Speaker 3 Who said I love you first?

Speaker 2 She did. She said it so many times by mistake, even.

Speaker 3 What do you mean? Just like on a phone call, like, oh, I love you. Bye.

Speaker 2 she was getting like uh uh um

Speaker 2 i forget she she was getting like dental work or something something happened and she was like a little woozy and uh

Speaker 2 as she was coming to she was like i love you and i was like and i and i and i and i i was so scared

Speaker 2 yeah i didn't say it back i didn't say it back and then one time

Speaker 2 she was

Speaker 2 Her and Taylor Swift were at a sushi restaurant and they were sending me a voice memo. And they were like, Oh my God, this is so much fun.
We miss you. We wish you were here.

Speaker 2 And she's like, And she was like, We love you.

Speaker 2 And then just like, she literally said, We love you.

Speaker 2 And then it was like, and then it ended. And then, and then

Speaker 2 I was waiting. I knew we were taking this trip to New York, and I was like, First class?

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no, no, private. No, I don't even fly.

Speaker 2 He drives. He drives.
He drives. I don't like planes.

Speaker 2 I don't like planes. Do you take planes? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Southwest, baby. You like Southwest? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Every time this guy has to go to New York, he has a drive.

Speaker 2 He's like, I'll be there in three days.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I drive. I do.
I take a boat to Europe. Are you being real? I'm being for real.
There's no way. I swear.
You will get nothing done. I swear I take a fucking boat.
So you don't fly ever.

Speaker 2 Be honest with me. I haven't flown.
I haven't gotten on a plane since two. Oh, I got on a plane, but I got off of it.
I haven't successfully flown on a plane since 2018.

Speaker 2 And before that, 2015, before that, 2009.

Speaker 2 So you really drive to places? Yes, and I take a boat. But I just decided two days ago that I'm going to fly again.
Thank you. I just decided

Speaker 2 I was in the shower and I was sitting on the ground in the shower. I sit on the ground every time I get in the shower.
Yeah. And I said, how old? I said, how of what? That's funny.
Yeah, it's insane.

Speaker 2 What? You don't sit on the ground. It's insane.
You don't ever sit on the ground in the shower. What? What? No, in the bathtub? In the tub.
No, no, in the shower. Sit on the ground.

Speaker 2 Let it wash over you. Sometimes I, sometimes I actually lay down and let the water shoot into my asshole.

Speaker 2 Oh, never, you never do that. You never did that before.
Yeah. You've never done that.
This is what producers are doing. I literally,

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Quincy Jones. Yeah, that's a Quincy Jones move right there, dude.

Speaker 3 You let it go right in your butt.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 That's where all the good ideas come from. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It feels so. Okay.
So I was just sitting in the shower and

Speaker 2 I was like, how old am I? I'm 36. And I said, fuck.
I said, you know,

Speaker 2 someone died recently and they were like 90.

Speaker 3 And I was like, Jimmy Carter?

Speaker 2 I was like, that's 100.

Speaker 2 I was like, I was like, shit, I only get to live my life like two more times. I was like, I'm going to die and I'm not going to get on an airplane.

Speaker 2 I was like, I should just get on an airplane because I might die on that.

Speaker 2 I might get cancer tomorrow. I might, I don't know.

Speaker 2 When's the last time you were in New York? 2018? No, I was in New York like a month or two ago. And you drove there from LA.
I was in New York in December, and I'm going back in two weeks.

Speaker 2 And you're driving there. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I guess.
I thought you were kidding, dude. Do you still want to date me?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I may have. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, man.
For you, male.

Speaker 3 So is the fear of, is it because of death?

Speaker 2 I'm becoming more attractive to you. Oh, it's working.

Speaker 2 It's working.

Speaker 3 See, dude, you wear them down.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow. No, no.
Does that work, wearing down? Be honest. Be your true.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Wearing down helps. I think.

Speaker 3 I don't know if you want to be like, we fell in love because I wore her down.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But you wore,

Speaker 2 in many ways, you wore Selena down, no?

Speaker 2 I mean, you were working together for years, right? So you had that friendship trustworthy. There was no trying, though.
All right. So I'm not going to try.
Yeah. Just go on friends.

Speaker 2 Maybe just go on friend dates.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't know yet.
I don't know yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm going to die soon. What's the special today, sir? Oh, today? Yeah.

Speaker 3 This crab rangoon.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 3 And then crab rangoon with like a housemade faux la foie sauce. I don't know if you guys, you've probably not traveled.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 Have you been to France? I have been. Oh.

Speaker 3 How'd you get there?

Speaker 2 I've been a few times by flight, but many times by boat. Wonderful.

Speaker 3 So you do fly, sir?

Speaker 2 Before I used to fly.

Speaker 3 Wonderful.

Speaker 3 And for our main course is going to be a hand-caught squirrel,

Speaker 2 squirrel loin.

Speaker 3 Oh, okay. And it's slightly seared.
It's served pretty rare.

Speaker 2 Do you have hedgehog?

Speaker 3 Let me check what the shit is.

Speaker 2 See if we still have the hedgehog.

Speaker 3 Because you got it last week.

Speaker 2 I got it last week.

Speaker 3 We might have run out, but I will check in.

Speaker 2 We love

Speaker 2 the belly fat of that baby hedgehog. Oh, my God.
It melts right in your mouth. Please, good check, please.

Speaker 3 Yes, I will. One second.

Speaker 2 Did... Shit!

Speaker 2 Yeah. Did you,

Speaker 2 when you were younger, are you finding it that you're getting girls easier now or when you were younger?

Speaker 2 Bro, do you find it easier now that you're fucking rich and famous to get girls versus when you were poor?

Speaker 2 I'm all here with you, Bobby. The way you laughed just now, dude, really pissed me off.
It did.

Speaker 2 When you were poor, did it make you mad in real life? Yeah, it did.

Speaker 2 Everyone laughing? Fuck off. Did it make you mad in real life? I was just trying to.
I got. I was being honest.
I know, Benny. I got

Speaker 2 when I was 23 and I was performing as

Speaker 2 an open micer is when I got the confidence to beat. But before that, I was a virgin.

Speaker 3 And now he's the king.

Speaker 2 And now you're the king.

Speaker 2 Were you confident as a yeah, he got blowjobs in high school? Everybody got blowjobs. Got blowjobs in high school.
I never got one. Not in high school.
I guess it's 23, dude. 23 was first blowjob.

Speaker 2 Was 23 first kiss? I mean, I kissed out a girl and I kissed her. Kissed out of me.

Speaker 2 He was knocked out. I kissed her out there.

Speaker 3 He kissed her so hard.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that lizard cock.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so I kissed a girl in high school. Her name was.

Speaker 3 no need to say the full name.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 3 Doesn't need that on the internet.

Speaker 2 Why is she kidding?

Speaker 2 Nothing happened. We just kissed.
Why is that not a bad thing?

Speaker 3 Because what if she doesn't want her name attached to that?

Speaker 2 All right, Julie Magalinol. There it is.

Speaker 3 So you kissed Julie Maginal.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Maginal. And then

Speaker 2 the next Monday, it was a weekend. Yeah.
She denied it to everyone that she kissed me.

Speaker 3 That's why I said you shouldn't put her full name in this.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I remember thinking about it for years. It hurt you.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Well, we've all had this moment. I had, okay, let's all give our embarrassing.

Speaker 2 Okay. I had one.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 My freshman year of college, a girl lived literally two doors down. So gorgeous, like so cool.
And we're all in like a little friendship circle.

Speaker 3 And then one night I wrote her a note, like kind of like a confessional, being like, I have this crazy crush on you.

Speaker 3 And I was like, my heart, you know, when your heart like hurts, it's beating so hard? And I slid it under her door. And then I I went back into my dorm, and I was like, fuck, was that stupid?

Speaker 3 Should I have not done that? Like, what? You know, like, and I just kind of blacked out and thought for like an hour. And I hit my hand to God.
I come, I go get something to eat from the commissary.

Speaker 3 I come back, and she's down at the end of the hall with a group of like the other people at the end of the hall, like a girl and another dude. And they were laughing at the number.

Speaker 2 No. Oh, that's so funny.
And that,

Speaker 2 fuck it. No, that's your face, you fucking idiot.
That killed me. That killed me.
That's so sad. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 3 It fucked me up so much.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. So there was a girl at the Addison Improv.
God, it hurt. That hurt.
She was a waitress. Okay.

Speaker 2 And I opened it for Carlos Mancia back in the 90s. Right.
And I hooked up with her. I had sense with her.
Right. Then years later, I ran into another comic, and he's like, talking about her.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Yeah,

Speaker 2 she hooked up with all these comics. He listed the name.

Speaker 2 And I go, was I in the list? He goes, no, she didn't mention you.

Speaker 2 And I was so hurt by that. That hurts.
Yeah, yeah. Give me your hurt.
When I was 13, I asked out my first girl, okay? Like on a date. My mom literally helped me.

Speaker 2 I got flowers and chocolates and I did everything. And I went to a school that like, it wasn't a great school.
So, and there was like a lot of fights. There was a lot of bullying, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2 And there was like a big locker commons. And there was like, you know, almost 2,000 kids that went to my school.
And she was in the middle, and everyone knew it was going to happen.

Speaker 2 So I went and I did it.

Speaker 2 And she said, yes. Okay.
So I'm like, oh, my life. I'm like, so happy, but we're so awkward and nervous.
We like, don't even know.

Speaker 2 We did like this like weird church hug, like where your butt sticks out. And then like, we didn't look at each other.
And then we both walked our separate ways.

Speaker 2 And I was like, will you be my girlfriend? And she was like, yeah. And then

Speaker 2 I get to class and I sit down. And I remember I'm wearing gray sweatpants and a white t-shirt and

Speaker 2 do you know

Speaker 2 you know when like okay so I dropped a pen and you know when like you bend over and you bend a little too quick and you fart yeah okay I did that I bent over and I shit my pants

Speaker 2 didn't see that coming

Speaker 2 100% like like not even not like a squirt like a full like a like that like that smart water bottle yeah yeah yeah just like inside And I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh my God.

Speaker 2 And I, and I do the thing where you like wiggle and I'm like, it's there. It's in there.
Oh my God. And I, and I'm like, it's warm, dude, right? Yeah.
Oh, it's, it's so hot.

Speaker 2 I do the thing where you wiggle. I don't, I don't, I have no reference to this.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Most people don't shit their pants.

Speaker 2 No. What do you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You shit your pants before.

Speaker 2 See,

Speaker 2 stop for a second. Wait, stop for a second.
Did you just hear your tone?

Speaker 2 We just met today. Yes.
And did you just hear your tone? He shit his pants too. I know, but I'm saying the way you talk to me though is crazy dude no

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Speaker 2 Yeah, okay, good.

Speaker 3 Okay, so you wiggle, you feel it, it's warm.

Speaker 2 Back on the track. Wait,

Speaker 2 have you shit your pants with him? Many times. Millions of times.
He's seen me. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I've been with him. It's been better.

Speaker 2 My Prius. Remember the Prius? Yeah, yeah.
Shit all over it. So I shit my pants.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I say, I say, hey,

Speaker 2 can I go to the bathroom? And in my school, they don't let you go to the bathroom for the first 15 minutes or the last 15 minutes because they think everyone's going to skip. Okay.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I really have to go to the bathroom.

Speaker 2 and they were like no and i was like i'm sick and they were like i'm sorry you're gonna have to wait and i was like i have to go and i was so scared that with any movement any movement if i move the wrong way it could like break the seal through like the bottom of my sweatpants and it smells like i've oh my god my god and so i'm i'm sitting there and i'm like and i just get up and leave.

Speaker 2 I get up and leave.

Speaker 2 And she says, and the teacher goes, the teacher goes, wait. And as she's saying, wait, I just turn to the girl and I say, I go, I'll be right back.

Speaker 2 And I, I close the door. The teacher's like, coming out.
I run full speed. Okay.

Speaker 2 I run to the bathroom real quick, see if I can fix the situation. It's unfixable.
It's gone through my pants. It's in my, it's like, it's, it's, it's probably seeped through the other side.

Speaker 2 It's unfixable. I don't know.
I first I throw away the pants and they're still like,

Speaker 2 I cannot be fixed. So I run full speed all the way home.
All the way home. And for some reason, my mom is.
Wait, wait, wait. You left the school just running? Yes.
Are you fucking kidding me?

Speaker 2 And I lived close to the school. Okay, okay.
In your underwear? No, I had my sweatpants back on. No underwear.
Okay. And I remember I go home.

Speaker 2 I get home. Somehow my mom was there.
She's never there. She doesn't even work.
My mom worked in another state.

Speaker 3 She's like, hi, honey, the gardener's just leaving.

Speaker 2 We don't have a gardener. Yeah, I'm like, mom, we we don't have what?

Speaker 2 What's Bobby doing?

Speaker 2 And we're just friends.

Speaker 3 She's not sexually attracted.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's fine.

Speaker 3 It's a running. It was a bit.

Speaker 2 I don't like it, Bobby. Dropping, dropping, dropping.
I've been defending you all. Was your mom mad at you? My mom immediately sends me back to school.
Doesn't even let me change. Well,

Speaker 2 you told her the situation. Yes.
And she said, I don't care. You're going back to school.

Speaker 2 She said, I said, what's wrong? I said,

Speaker 2 what's wrong with your mom, dude? She goes, get back to school. She was probably fucking the guardian.

Speaker 2 She was like, get back to school.

Speaker 2 So I had to go back to school. No, you go to the forest.

Speaker 2 I went back to school and

Speaker 2 I had missed that period. And somehow, like, I had actually had an extra pair of underwear in my gym thing because it was gym next.
And

Speaker 2 I escaped. It was all good.
But it was fully traumatizing. Wait a minute.

Speaker 3 The girl never found out you shit your pants.

Speaker 2 But she broke up with me, I think, like two days later.

Speaker 3 She never found out. Never found out.
You need to retell that story and say she did find out. Okay.

Speaker 2 She found

Speaker 2 out.

Speaker 2 Why? She found out I shit my pants. Oh, I thought it was heroic what I did.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I thought it was heroic.

Speaker 3 No, you weren't. We did stories where we were embarrassed.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 She never knew. She never knew.

Speaker 2 All that stuff just was meaningless. So it doesn't.

Speaker 3 You just give us a shit story.

Speaker 2 It wasn't even about heartbreak.

Speaker 3 The shit section's at the the end.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 That's so.

Speaker 3 Shit.

Speaker 2 But that wasn't heartbreak. Okay, well, so you never experienced real heartbreak.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. No, he's never had it.
He's never had it.

Speaker 3 And that's why he gets Selena Gomeh.

Speaker 2 I know. We have had heartbreak.
We've had real heartbreak. Yeah.

Speaker 3 By the way, I asked out a girl.

Speaker 3 I asked a girl to fucking spring or not prom, but like spring or one of those things. And she denied me, no thank you.
This is real. This feels good.
Okay.

Speaker 3 And then years later, hit me up online to come to like a show. I was playing a show in whatever city she lives in now and hit me up online.
Hey, we can't wait to see you at the show.

Speaker 3 You know, can we get some tickets?

Speaker 3 And I never responded. And it felt so fucking good.
Really? To deny her.

Speaker 2 Oh, it was such good payback. Yeah, one time I was at the San Diego American Comedy Company.
Okay. And the hot chicks from school, right? From San Diego.
From my high school went.

Speaker 2 The ones that never even talked to me. Right.
And they're sitting there with their husbands, but they now all look like, you know what I mean, sperm whale.

Speaker 2 I mean, they've got barnacles on their face.

Speaker 2 Right? There's plankton all over. You know what I mean? It's just like they don't look good, right?

Speaker 2 And they're just killing, you know what I mean? And I'm looking at them. It feels so good.
God, that feels good. I love it.
It feels so good.

Speaker 2 My friend has the best story of that I've ever heard. So, my good friend growing up, we were all doing this thing.
When you were younger, like, you know, how like everyone's like, first kiss?

Speaker 2 Well, you don't know this part, but no, but I'm just, I mean, I'm just saying, you said you didn't kiss when you were 23.

Speaker 2 No, he kissed in high school. Oh, you kissed.
Okay. So, do you remember

Speaker 2 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 2 It's outrageous.

Speaker 2 I've never seen it.

Speaker 2 He's just trying to be relatable. He's trying to relate.
A big-time producer comes in here and says, fucking.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I've defended you. No, you haven't.
Yes, I have.

Speaker 2 Keep going.

Speaker 2 We'll let the crowd decide.

Speaker 3 Do you guys want to order your main course at some point?

Speaker 2 No, we're going to restrict it. So, what happened?

Speaker 2 What would you like? A male. Mayo.
What do you want?

Speaker 3 I like his little male.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so your friend was? Okay.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 you know, when you're experimenting, everyone's like starting to experiment. We're all at one house together, and my friend is about to get the first hand job.

Speaker 2 All of us. Nobody's getting a hand job.
He's about to get the first one.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to say his name or her name. Famous person?

Speaker 2 No. What do you mean I'm 13?

Speaker 3 This is back home when he's a kid.

Speaker 2 I'm 13. I don't know.
I'm not from L.A. I don't know if I'm from Virginia.
Oh, your attitude right now, Benny. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. You hang out with the top.

Speaker 2 Let's talk about that question. I wasn't hanging out when I was 13.
Oh, that's right. Okay.
Okay. So, so I'm 13.
My friend's about to get a hand job in rural. Is there flyers? How do you know?

Speaker 2 There's flyers. There's flyers.
And he took the little thing that says hand job. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so, so

Speaker 2 he's about to get the hand job. We're all waiting outside the bathroom.
They go into the bathroom. Okay.

Speaker 2 And it's like,

Speaker 2 there's like rustling and then there's laughing. The girl runs out and she goes like this.

Speaker 2 No. And he, and he says, and he's, he's mortified, mortified.
Because we were all figuring out we're like in that stage. We were about to go through puberty.
We're not, we're not sure. Right.

Speaker 2 Like some of some of us had like hair and like our dick was still small. She's a girl, right? So her pink is even smaller than a normal pink.
It's very small.

Speaker 2 Asian girl, no less. And he's, and he's, he's, he's, he's traumatized.
She leaves. Everyone leaves.
I said, you're going to be fine. Nobody's even going to remember this.

Speaker 2 We're going to go to to school tomorrow. Everything's going to be perfect.
He kills himself. He kills himself.

Speaker 2 We get into school. We get to school.
And there's a substitute teacher. And our substitute teachers were like so young.
They were like college students. This girl's like 21.

Speaker 2 And I guess someone had told her the thing. The sub?

Speaker 3 The subs.

Speaker 2 The subs just like.

Speaker 2 Is Mark here? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's literally what she did. No.
She goes, she goes, is blank here? And he was so embarrassed. He even, I remember that day.
She did that? Yes. I remember that day.
Subs are red. We were at home.

Speaker 2 We were at home and he was contemplating changing schools. Yeah.
Changing schools. He should have done it.
Okay. Genders.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's so close already. I mean,

Speaker 2 fast forward.

Speaker 2 This man goes through puberty and his cock becomes huge. Love this show.
Oh, I love this. Huge.
He's got like a, he's got a fucking python in his pants. It's thick.
It's huge.

Speaker 2 How do you know? He knows.

Speaker 2 You know, know, we all know.

Speaker 2 How do you know?

Speaker 2 You know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, everyone knows. Everyone knows.

Speaker 2 You know. You know what, you know.

Speaker 2 You know. Okay.
So he's in college.

Speaker 2 He's at a party.

Speaker 2 Same girl. No.
No. No.
Perfect.

Speaker 3 He fucks her. Sends her to the hospital.

Speaker 2 He fucks her. Wow.
And she's like, ah!

Speaker 2 And he's like, and he said it was like the best performance. He's like, usually I'm terrible at sex.

Speaker 2 He's like, it was the best performance I had ever done yeah and and he said he said as he's leaving the next and she's like she's like

Speaker 2 like the next day he's he's leaving and he just goes and he walks out that's a movie this is a movie that's it yeah never spoke to her again it's like that um how's them apples yeah

Speaker 2 right yeah that's that that scene yeah

Speaker 2 isn't that amazing it's an amazing true wonder story i've never had a wonder story have you ever had a wonder story you live a wonder story what are you talking about your life is perfect yeah yeah yeah yeah but not like wonderful.

Speaker 2 We all know the guy.

Speaker 3 We had a guy in my high school named Kyle. I'm not going to say his last name, but they called him the elephant because he had a trunk in high school.

Speaker 3 He had a cock so big in gym class, you know, like you put on the school-issued gym shorts.

Speaker 3 And I'm not kidding when I say because they were short back in the day.

Speaker 3 His penis, if he didn't put it away, would come out of the bottom of the gym shorts. It was fucking unreal.

Speaker 2 Here's another thing that I want to tell people right now. I'm glad we're bringing this up.
Okay, and I would just FYI, anyone that sees me at WeSpa, right, don't recognize me.

Speaker 2 what do you think you know i mean i'm in this you know right you're in a steam room it's steamy are you bobby lee i'm like they say that to you oh yeah yeah yeah and you were all naked right and i always have to go not here not here you say you're not bobby lee here but you're bobby lee outside or just don't i'm ken jung here yeah

Speaker 2 you're right i'm ken jung and then we'll go outside on bobby lee my point is is that it's one of those places like when you're eating at a restaurant yeah where it's like you don't do it here when you're if you're on a date or something right but do you think naked in a spa is not a good place to get raised?

Speaker 3 Just wait till we're wait till we're out in the locker room. Right.

Speaker 2 Naked in a spa might be number one. Number one.
Not to get recognized.

Speaker 3 Bathroom is weird too.

Speaker 2 When I'm like pissing your oh, yeah, that

Speaker 2 where a guy like comes up and hits you on the back,

Speaker 3 touching you in the bathroom is insane.

Speaker 2 I hate that. A guy, you know what happened to me

Speaker 2 the other day? It's happened to me so many times. The guy's just pissing and starts talking to me.
And then after he talks to me, he gives me a high five with his dick hand.

Speaker 3 Not necessary. It's crazy.
Not necessary. Don't need to do that.

Speaker 2 I get picked up.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he gets lifted in the back.

Speaker 2 Like a trophy. No, anywhere.
Everywhere. From behind.
They're like, hey, hey, you're, and I won this or whatever. Why do they pick you up? I'm small, and I look like I can be picked up.
He's pick up.

Speaker 2 How tall are you? 5'3, 5'4?

Speaker 2 How tall am I?

Speaker 3 You're 5'5 ⁇ .

Speaker 2 I'm 5'5. Yeah.
Thank you, Waiter.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Can I honestly get your drinks?

Speaker 2 How tall are you? 6'1. Yeah, he's good.
You're good.

Speaker 2 That's good height.

Speaker 3 Well, people always say, a lot of people always say from the internet, they don't know how tall we are because of the at the desks and stuff. And then they see us together and they're like,

Speaker 2 taller than I thought.

Speaker 3 I thought you guys were the same size.

Speaker 2 Do you know in real life, everyone says, you're so much shorter than I thought? Yeah, because

Speaker 3 they only see you on a screen, standing up.

Speaker 2 You also look like Bomb Dylan a little bit. I do.
You should have done that.

Speaker 3 Just a little bit. Can you sing like Dylan?

Speaker 2 Come on. Can anyone? No, not like Chalamet did.
Dude, I haven't seen the movie.

Speaker 2 What? Did you see him on SNL? No. Fucking kill.

Speaker 2 He needs to die. What? Too talented.
Oh,

Speaker 3 the kid is fucking amazing.

Speaker 2 He's so fucking amazing. He is likable.
Loveable. He's funny.
Good looking. He can sing, play the guitar.

Speaker 2 What the fuck? I saw him on. I like that.
Call me by your name.

Speaker 2 That movie. Oh, the movie from four years ago? That was the one.

Speaker 3 You didn't see the new movie he's in? No. You didn't see the Dylan movie.

Speaker 2 I didn't see it yet.

Speaker 3 Dude, you're a musician. Yes.

Speaker 2 You're so.

Speaker 2 I usually don't like those type of biopics. They're usually like kind of corny.
Okay, I agree, right? But this one's not like this one is not fucking corny. Did you see Elvis one? No,

Speaker 3 did you see Elvis one was corny as fuck?

Speaker 2 Okay, did you see it though? No, I saw it, but you're he is right.

Speaker 2 Bohemian Rhapsody, that's the one I saw, and I was like, oh, I still can, I can, I'm like, I was right, I can't see these again because that one was a little corny, yeah.

Speaker 2 They're just like, they're as someone who like, I really love like all documentaries, like Dylan's documentary, incredible, you're right, and I love for me, it's just like,

Speaker 2 okay, the type of movies that turn me on and turn me off. Like, I don't love like those like super Hollywood biopic things.

Speaker 2 I don't love like action movies. They're not like my favorite type of thing.
What do you watch? Nothing. Okay, I love like, I love a movie that's gonna like rip my heart out.
Or I love like a.

Speaker 3 Amelia Perez.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I do, but I also love like Force of the George. Triangle of Facebook.
Sadness are so good. Like, I love like Triangle of Face Sadness.
Yeah, I love those type of movies. And I like like,

Speaker 2 I like some horror. Okay.
And I I like

Speaker 2 and I really like uh what's it called? I because horror is different than action. It's like more it's like action's like that.

Speaker 2 Like like horror, you're like horror, you're like, whoa, like they really did, it's not just like like a really good horror movie is like so beyond.

Speaker 3 It's a mind fires.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like you've never seen Avengers. No.
Oh, you won't? No, I've never seen any of it. Do you know any of the Avengers? No.
Name me an Avenger. I've never, I've not even, I don't know.

Speaker 2 But you got to know.

Speaker 2 You got to know the superheroes. You're a pop pop culture.
So name me, just guess an Avenger. What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Okay, you're the you're okay. You're

Speaker 2 all right. You're Nick Fury, right? You're like Samuel L.
Jackson's character. Who the fuck's Nick Fury? He's just in it.
You don't have to guess him. Okay.
I already just named him, right?

Speaker 2 So now there's an emergency, right? There's like Mexican aliens coming down. Okay.
Right, from the sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Mexican from the sky, right? Yeah. You need to get it.

Speaker 3 And you got another spaceship coming from a mile away.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 There's a thousand of them in there. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. And you're saying who's the act?

Speaker 2 You're saying who's the act? No, no, no. You have to call the actual superhero.
So who are you calling? I'm your sidekick. I'm your, I work for you.
Spider-Man? Is he an Avenger? Yes. Yes.

Speaker 2 Call Spider-Man. Call Spider-Man.
Yeah, call Spider-Man. Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 I've only seen one Spider-Man. I know.
Let's go to Avengers. We're back to Nuclear.
I don't know any Avengers. It's trying to guess, throw it out.
Okay,

Speaker 2 the Hulk. Yes.
So you do know. Yeah, you know.
Wait, really? Yes. I just guessed.
Are they actually Spider-Man and the Hulk? They're in Avengers, yeah.

Speaker 3 You could name any one of them. You'd probably get it right.

Speaker 2 Get it right.

Speaker 2 That's it? That's all you know.

Speaker 2 Wolverine. that's it he is marvel universe not an avenger i've never uh i've

Speaker 2 i've i've only seen um copyright i've only seen

Speaker 2 i think i've only seen one marvel movie which one was that um spider-man then it's gotta be oh is that marvel okay then i've i saw the original spider-man with toby maguian yeah i saw that okay and then oh i've seen two i've i saw the one the animated one the okay open verse or whatever yeah yeah i saw i saw that okay and then

Speaker 2 I went with someone's kid to that one.

Speaker 3 Let's clarify that story.

Speaker 2 And then, like, so obviously you've never heard, you've never seen any Star Wars or anything like that either.

Speaker 2 When I was a kid, I saw Star Wars in school. Like, we had to watch it in school.
But that's the only time you saw it. The only time I've ever seen it.
It's so fascinating. I've never seen Lost.

Speaker 2 I've never seen. That's nothing to do with.
Well, it's a fair. No, no, no.
I thought J.J. Abrams.
I never saw Glenn Gary Glenn Ross.

Speaker 2 No, J.J. Abrams made lost.
Sounds like J.J. Abrams did too.
He did lost some of the, yeah, you were. He made some Star Wars.
Okay. Yeah.
Oh, okay. And then I've never seen,

Speaker 2 what's another big one of those movies? All right, so Lord of the Rings. Never seen it.
Wow. Harry Potter.
I've never seen Harry Potter. I like Harry Potter.
Okay. I've never seen Game of Thrones.

Speaker 2 Wow. Not one episode?

Speaker 2 Just one episode when Ed Sheeran was at my house and he wanted to stream it because he was in the episode. It's the only episode I ever saw.
So let's say I'm a girl, right?

Speaker 2 You break up with Selena, which is going to happen eventually. But my point is that,

Speaker 2 and I'm like, I'm at your house. It's like, what do you want to watch?

Speaker 3 What would we watch together?

Speaker 2 Me and you. Yeah, yeah.
As guys? No, as I'm a girl.

Speaker 2 Don't say some hot girl.

Speaker 3 This is this is mustard. Yeah,

Speaker 2 no, Mayo's cousin. I would say, yeah, yeah.
What would you watch? I would say, let's watch Amelia Perez. I miss my wife.

Speaker 2 She was good in a hurry.

Speaker 3 Yeah, she's great. You still have to suck him now?

Speaker 2 She's while you watch Amelia Perez. I can't even get a commercial agent.

Speaker 2 yeah mustard doesn't get a lot of work in this town and I love I really love like the like slapstick comedy that's just gonna

Speaker 2 naked guns yeah I love that airplane yeah love that and I also love like I love like like like early days of seth was so good I loved super bad all that all right right love that and then and then yeah otherwise I want to watch like an indie like my mom took me when I was a kid I was watching like we were going to see like the squid and the whale like you know what I mean it wasn't like.

Speaker 2 All right, how about this?

Speaker 3 Have you seen all the way through Sopranos?

Speaker 2 Of course.

Speaker 3 Don't fucking, of course, me, dude.

Speaker 2 You said a lot of bigger shows. Okay, okay.
My family, my family, like very important shows growing up that we watched as a family. We watched Sopranos, The Wire, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Seinfeld.

Speaker 2 That's great.

Speaker 2 Those were our, and

Speaker 2 my parents both have pretty good tastes and stuff. I'm also obsessed with any mafia movie.
So like, so like, I'm a... Scorsese.

Speaker 2 I love Scorsese. Yeah.
I was actually just re-watching. Um, I had COVID like two months ago and was re-watching so many movies.

Speaker 2 And I'm just like, oh, I'm just like, I forgot like how good Cape Fear was. I'm so.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 And I was just, I was going through like all my favorite movies and like all like, you know, like a Bronx Tale, all those old movies. Like, those movies are so perfect.
Bronx Tale is so good.

Speaker 2 All of them. All of them.

Speaker 3 What's your favorite gangster movie?

Speaker 2 Probably either Casino or Goodfellas.

Speaker 3 That's everyone's, that's everyone's two. Casino.

Speaker 2 Which one? Casino Moore. Casino More.

Speaker 2 i just love i always loved what do you guys think of untouchables it's good it is good but it's not it's not it's not at the level all right let's end smoothly because he's got to go because the sweetheart's got to go okay um

Speaker 2 why are you looking at me like that i don't know he's a pro i don't know what the you're doing penny

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 i uh i have an album coming out

Speaker 2 uh with with my better half we're doing a joint album yeah

Speaker 2 clap more for her not me yeah we are yeah we are okay okay good. Good.
Yeah, don't clap for me.

Speaker 3 Selena and Benny dropping an album. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What's it called? Celina and Benny? It's called Selena and Benny. Really? No.
Oh, what's that? Wait, wait, wait. Let's guess the album.
Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 You guys each get three guesses. Okay.
That's impossible.

Speaker 3 What do you mean? Anything's possible.

Speaker 2 It's possible. Kentucky Lightning.
That's good.

Speaker 2 That's really good. How did he get it?

Speaker 3 That's really good.

Speaker 2 No, it's not Kentucky Lightning. No, it's got to be a duo name.
It's her and him.

Speaker 3 So it's got to be like

Speaker 2 almond and nutcake. No, no, no, no, no.
This is just our. You have two now.
Wait. This is just...
It's the album title. We're going as separate.
Yeah, we're doing album code. It's just the title.

Speaker 2 Album Coat.

Speaker 2 So I gave two. Yeah, don't give one.
Give me one. Now you give two.

Speaker 3 Fontina Cheese.

Speaker 2 Close. Fuck.

Speaker 2 Okay, you do one more.

Speaker 3 Crush Veneer. Okay.

Speaker 2 Can I do one more? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Isabella Isabella Not in This Lifetime.

Speaker 2 I like that one.

Speaker 3 That's beautiful. Pretty good, right?

Speaker 2 Is that yours? Yours is That's Beautiful.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's it. No, that was gorgeous.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Isabella, Isabella, not in this lifetime is pretty good.

Speaker 3 Your album is going to be called

Speaker 3 Wonderment.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, what is it? It's called

Speaker 2 I Said I Love Island.

Speaker 2 Change it.

Speaker 2 Change it to Isabella, Isabella. I do that.

Speaker 2 Can we change it?

Speaker 3 I think you should change your album to Shit Pants and Gomez.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 which one so when does the album drop uh i think it's already out by the time it's out right now it's out right now go check it out on everything this is the future so it's already out well this is we are living in the future but is it hard to work with your fiancé or no he's been doing it for 20 years um is it no no no no but it wasn't romantic it wasn't yeah it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't romantically before well what is it now romantically

Speaker 3 um no but it didn't change the work relationship uh well

Speaker 2 you guys just hook up mid-session Yeah, we're just

Speaker 2 mid-session hookup. No,

Speaker 2 it's actually better because we can,

Speaker 2 I know her so well now. We can say, we can speak so freely to each other and like really,

Speaker 2 you know, if we're like sitting in bed, I'll be like, oh, actually that thing we did earlier, I thought it'd be better if we did it like this.

Speaker 2 And then she'll be like, oh, like I either like that or I don't. And we can just talk about it.

Speaker 2 Some things you might, you might walk on eggshells a little bit more when you're working with an artist you don't necessarily know that well and i think it's so much better and we've been able to like you can say whatever you want like you can talk about there's no rule like it's like

Speaker 2 you know how in comedy like you might say a joke that's something that you would never say in real life but it's the art of the joke that's why you're saying like it's not how you actually feel about a person but you're saying it because you think it's funny right in in music it's the same thing like you can say something like let's say i was talking about like someone from my past or she's talking about from someone from her past in a song.

Speaker 2 If you can like talk about that way more than like talking about, you know what I mean? Like, so it's, it's, it's like therapy. And it's, I, I, I found it to be

Speaker 2 much easier to work with her than I've worked with anybody else, I think. Wow.

Speaker 3 Because go listen to the album. That's I mean, you sold me on it.
I got to tell you, shitpants, you sold me, bud.

Speaker 2 Thanks. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And we love you. And you're welcome back anytime.

Speaker 2 Go check my new album, Isabella, Isabella.

Speaker 3 Shitpants? What is it? Isabella Isabella.

Speaker 2 I forgot.

Speaker 2 You forgot? Because I want to say something real, though. Can I say something real to you, Benny? Yeah, you can say something.

Speaker 2 We didn't know much about you before. Yeah.
I really like you, man. He's a nice guy, intelligent.
I think we have a lot in common.

Speaker 2 I don't know about that one. No, I think so, too.
We're the underdogs. We're the underdogs.
And you're winning. And I love it.
You're winning. Yeah, yeah.
So give Benny a round of applause everybody.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.