The Vile Horrendous w/ Joe DeRosa

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You two are bad friends who are these two idiots

you two are disgusting

you two or something we're bad friends guess who's charming who's charming you are dude you're a charm charm charmer dude dapper when you get a little buzz my friend you get like good evening dapper hello

and you get um

extremely charming because i well that's better than jekyll and hyde i don't like start getting angry and fighting people when I have a couple of cocktails.

You introduced me to a friend.

I was trying to be polite and nice and ingratiate myself to her.

And I was like, hey, how are you?

And I gave her a hug.

And she actually said, oh, we're hugging.

I know, but she said that?

She goes, oh, we're hugging.

It was a 50-50.

Like, we were in the car.

We had dinner.

And then Andrew calls me.

He goes, we're over at so-and-so, right?

And I go, okay.

And he's like, DeRosa's here.

I can say that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I go, okay.

And he goes, you said, come on by.

I wanted you to come by.

So I brought, it was 50-50.

So I said to her, I go, we, you know, because I know that you're doing a little drink, drink, drink, right?

You're a drink, drink, drink.

With him, it's bad.

Yeah, yeah, it got bad.

Yeah.

I heard it got bad later, but I was drinking.

Yeah, yeah.

I heard you got wild.

What did I do?

No, I'm going to tell you, let's recap, okay?

Okay.

So then

I go, you know, I don't know what you're going to say.

Jekyll or Hyde.

It can't get hide.

When does it get hide?

And it can also get Jekyll.

When have I hided with you?

Hyde is the good one, right?

I don't even know.

Yeah, which was the bad one.

Which was the bad one.

I don't know.

Yeah,

I think Jekyll's the bad one.

Jekyll sounds like the bad one.

Jekyll, yeah, like a Jekyll.

So you might get Jekyll.

And she's like, what do you mean?

I go, we'll see.

We come, and as soon as I say it, I go, it's Hyde.

Because you stood up and you have this little smirk.

It's very

Casablanca.

Hello?

Hello, my dear.

You know what I mean?

Like, good evening.

Maybe not today.

Maybe not today.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's very like that.

So I'm like, oh, thank God, it's Hyde.

So we know, I'm being real.

I've never sit down.

And then what Hyde does is he just becomes very like, a lot of questions.

I'm interested in her.

Too many questions.

Okay.

Okay.

But is that a real thing?

You meet someone for the first time.

I want to know.

I'm interested in her.

Now, there are memes about this where your friend all of a sudden becomes a comedian around your girl.

I was being, I was too charming.

Asking someone, like, hey, hey, what is this about that I've heard about you?

Can I say it?

Yeah, but just the way you hold up a prosciutto.

Yeah, I don't like.

Chicken wings?

We were eating chicken wings.

Whatever it was.

What if it's just the way, you know what I mean?

The way I was eating.

Your pinkies are out.

All three fingers are out.

It's very like...

You told me she's a witch.

You were asking Salem witch, you know what I mean?

Like the Salem witch trials witch.

How do I know that there's a difference?

Yeah, it's like saying that it's, it's not like she's a vampire.

That's why you were asking her that kind of line of questions.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, I mean, what's it like at the coven?

You asked about a coven.

I said, what's up with a coven?

Did you ask about a coven?

I said, what's up with the coven?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How is it?

She's one of those like

burning man, you know what I mean, you know, holistic, you know what I mean?

Shangri-La.

The witches.

Witches.

The witches that I hang out with.

Yeah.

Are at the coven.

Okay.

They're coven witches.

Right.

So she does it.

Double, double, boiling trouble.

It's more of a boil.

Boil.

It's more of a self-help, you know what I mean, you know, spiritual thing.

No, she's very nice.

Right.

But

asking about the coven and all that stuff was a little different.

I didn't ask about the coven.

There was a coven question.

I don't even know what the coven is.

Either it was you or your friend.

Your friend, he goes, well, is there a group?

And I looked at him, I go, when you say group, do you mean coven?

Yeah, you?

And then he goes, yeah, that's what I meant.

That's on you.

No, that's on him.

That's a part of you.

He said, is there a group?

Yeah.

But the way he said it was, I know what you're leading.

There's a pot.

You know what I mean?

But you have boiling green, whatever, whatever.

Does she have a pot?

Toad feet.

Does she have a pot?

No, she has none of that.

No spells.

Crystals.

I did do a spell on you.

Fuck you then.

Yeah, he told me he did a spell on me.

I did a spell on you.

I remember.

Yeah.

What did I, what did I do?

You put my name in the freezer.

You wrote my name on a piece of paper and put it in the freezer.

Yeah.

I put your name on a piece of paper and put it in the freezer.

The freezer.

And guess what?

It worked.

What is this?

You've been chill since.

I've been.

I'm always chill.

You weren't chill.

Oh, my God.

When did you put it in the freezer?

When we got back from Europe.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, yeah.

I put your name in the thing.

I wish I did it before we went to Europe.

Would have helped me out of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But so, yeah, I do some of her suggestions.

Yeah.

And I think they work.

Yeah, they must.

Yeah.

And then I hear, I have lunch today with Andrea Jin and the person that I'm hanging out with.

And

Andrea says, Andrew was there last night at the store.

And I go, yeah?

She goes, one word.

Guess what it is?

What did she say?

He's like, no, wild.

Wild.

I was wild.

Yeah, you and DeRosa were wild.

We were having fun, man.

Yeah.

McCone was with us.

We were having a great time.

Of course, your...

My son?

Not just your son.

What do you call it?

He was drunk.

He got fun.

You know what I called McCone?

A familiar.

Yeah, he's a familiar.

What is a familiar?

In the mythological world.

Like, vampires have familiars.

You just hang around.

You're a family

that help the vampire get blood.

That's right.

You go get me blood.

Give me the

definition of a familiar.

It's a supernatural entity

that is an animal.

Exactly.

That serves as a companion and helper to a witch, sorcerer, or other magical practice.

I'm really stuck on this witch stuff lately.

Yeah, yeah.

You're definitely a familiar.

You're a familiar for you.

Yeah, and you're a warlock.

Wizard and a warlock.

Wizard and a warlock.

I love it.

We went out.

Me and DeRosa went on stage together twice, and we had so fun.

They do that in New York sometimes.

Like you see guys at the cellar do it.

They don't do that here.

And so DeRosa was like, I'll go on stage with you.

And I was like, that could be fun.

Yeah.

Because I was like, I'll get you a spot.

He was like, no.

So he took my spot.

He took yours and

someone else dropped out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I dropped out.

I wanted to, you know, just, I know, I know you're going to talk about it, but I want to, sometimes I'll just go, I'm not going to do it.

I'm going to hang out.

I watch Lord of the Rings with a friend.

Spots?

Yeah.

Yeah, I get it.

Yeah.

I canceled last minute, but thank God DeRosa took my spot.

It was great.

People.

Did he go so he went up at 10?

We went to the first spot together, and then we went to the store, and then I went up solo in the main, and then we went up together in the OR.

But what I'm saying is that on stage, I heard you were extra.

It went off a little.

That's all.

I had a night.

Yeah, yeah.

I was having fun.

But I heard it was very funny.

I haven't let the band-aid rip in a long time.

Yeah.

Yep.

No, sometimes I want to have a couple of cocktails and and let the band-aid rip.

You got to let the band-aid rip sometimes.

I don't.

When was the last time you saw me like that?

God, it's been a couple of years.

It's pretty rare.

But you do it when it's like,

I'm, you know what I mean, Charles Bukowski, and I'm going to just go to a bar by myself and, you know what I mean, write poetry or whatever.

What?

What in the fuck are you talking about?

What do you mean?

Not literal poetry.

Do I like to go, oh, you're making fun of when I, you're making fun of when I go to my spot in New York and write.

Yeah, I like that.

No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying.

Oh.

At Dollywood.

Oh, no, that was a mental breakdown.

I know, but that's what I'm saying.

The Bukowski.

I'm going to go to a bar by myself

and not literally write a poem, but you go into yourself and write poetry in your mind.

I'll tell you what I did at that bar at that Tommy Bahama or whatever.

No, Margaritaville.

I bought everyone food and drinks.

I turned into Hyde.

Oh.

I was Jekyll with you, bud.

Yeah, yeah.

You jekyl with me a lot.

Well, yeah.

Why do you think that is?

Because I'm 100% hide.

No.

You think I'm Jekyll sometimes?

No, let's be real.

Get fucked.

You fuck you.

Fuck you.

You think I'm Jekyll sometimes?

You're doing it right now.

Look at the shirt you're wearing, too.

This Iron Maiden fucking runs.

Such a good song.

It's great.

The Trooper, great song.

I want to say, Wait, I want to say this, though.

Can you get more lighters?

What are you doing with all that?

Okay, I'll tell you why.

Yeah, why?

There's nothing worse in the world when you're in your car.

How many smokers are here?

Three.

Richie, right.

Isn't there nothing in the world?

You have cigarettes.

Richie.

You're in the car.

You smoke?

I know.

Yeah.

You smoke cigarettes.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, he does.

Look at him.

How long have you been smoking?

Well, I actually, I started probably like sophomore year high school.

And what are you now, a senior?

Now I'm...

Yes.

No, how old are you now?

24.

Yeah.

Wow.

He had some time.

He doesn't look like a smoker.

Yeah.

I just realized who he is.

Every generation.

Buddy Holly.

Close.

Maybe, maybe.

Yeah.

But the generation after that is who he is is Robert Crumb.

Who the fuck?

Who's that?

Look up Robert Crumb.

The cartoonist.

The cartoonist.

There lies the man.

He's around.

He's young.

Dude, that's Robert.

Come on, dude.

You're young Robert Crumb.

You're young Robert Crumb.

That is a fact.

It's a fact, dude.

That's very funny.

And you don't draw.

So that's not.

That's not good.

That's not good.

You can draw like a motherfucker so my panic is when you're in the car and you don't have a lighter and then you're just kind of looking around for one so what i do is i buy three or four i just scatter them around the the car smart that's what i'm saying being mindful yeah when i used to smoke pot what i would do is i would buy a lot of lighters and then i would give them to my friends because i know they'd get back to me what do you mean by that Because when you smoke weed with people, you're always like giving lighter.

Carlos knows.

Yeah.

Giving your lighters away and then they come back to you eventually.

They come back to you.

In the mail?

What are you talking about?

So when you smoke a lot of pot with your group of people

of pot friends.

Yeah.

Yeah, but you weren't like...

Alone.

I did alone.

Yeah, it wasn't your thing.

Like we get, we would get high with sit around a couch.

Well, go to some guy's house or go to a car.

And so what ends up happening is you smoke pot with the same like 10 to 12 people.

That's a lot of people.

Well, I mean, like, that's a big pot group.

No, no.

I would call it a coven.

Your core pot group is like two to three people.

But then there's a chunk chunk of people you would run into in high school and we'd smoke pot with that group of people and then that group, like the hippies.

If I went over to fucking

Paul's house.

Hey, I'm Paul, dude.

Bro, you want to come over, dude?

We're having a pot coven.

Yeah.

You do?

It's going to be about 12 of us, dude.

Yeah, 100%.

Yeah.

Bring your lighter, dude.

I'll bring it.

Yeah.

Okay.

And guess what, guy?

What?

Eventually, you'll get it back.

Okay.

Yeah.

And that's what you do.

Bring one lighter, hand it to somebody.

I have a bunch of lighters.

I just hand them out to friends, and then I go, this is going to come back to me.

And eventually you'll be smoking a bowl, stoned, and you'll go, this is my lighter, man.

Years later, or how long?

Sometimes it's months.

Sometimes it's a full year.

Oh, wow.

And someone will be like, that is your fucking lighter, man.

You gave it to me at Paul's garage.

Yeah, I just handed it to you to...

like the bowl.

Yeah, but this is what happens when you're smoking pot.

The point I'm making is you give someone a lighter to get high, they put it in their pocket, you all get stoned, you forget it existed.

So if you buy strangers' lighters that you get high with, you will get them back.

Right.

but you know what I do now?

I buy the ones with a symbol on it.

What is that, Chinese?

No, I'm just saying anything because this green one, somebody can go, no, dude.

That's my I just bought this, right?

I go, but this one, the cherries, come on, dude.

That's my lighter.

That's your lighter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cherry boy lighter.

Yeah.

Anyway, well, I didn't know.

Yeah, now I get why it comes around.

It always comes back.

Are you drinking coffee?

Iced coffee?

Yeah, why?

You never have coffee this late.

What's the line of questioning, pal?

You got something going on later tonight?

I have a couple of shows tonight, guy.

You're going to cancel those too?

No, I'm going to be there.

I'm going to be there.

Because if I don't, you know, they cry.

And one of them.

Ooh, the fans?

No, it's guys, the promoters.

Oh, the promoters.

Yeah.

You know, if people don't know about the LA comedy game now,

70% of it is promoters.

So you'll get like six guys.

There's like six guys.

There's one girl that's really good.

Sarah Mellow.

Oh, she's the best.

She's the best.

Yeah.

But there's a couple of guys that are a little

student loan people.

Loan sharks.

Loan sharks.

Yeah.

Like, or if you leave the Mormon church, right?

They constantly call.

They're going to come get you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, oh, how come you haven't been back to the sermon, buddy?

It's been two years.

Where are you?

And why are you not here?

Yeah.

And here's 17 dates.

Can you please do one of them?

Yeah.

And then if you don't, which I don't text them back.

Pretty much 99% of the time I don't.

Well, you get flooded with texts.

Every day, I'm not lying.

You get five to 10.

Yeah.

Can you do my show?

Can you do my show?

Can you do my show?

Yeah.

It's a great problem to have.

No, I'm grateful for it.

I'm grateful for it, but

it's a little, there's some boundaries that need to be.

That is interesting because I thought about next time I do set up shows like this, I think I'm going to just give them Carlos's phone number and he can just do it for us.

Yeah, I mean, that's what happens with everything.

Shouldn't we do that?

Well, I deal with my Melanie.

With who?

Melanie.

Who's that?

You know who Melanie can be.

Who's that?

You know, the one that's camping right now.

So does she live in the woods?

I know what you're saying.

I know.

In the desert.

Yeah, I have somebody that works for me that's always in the woods.

It's pretty.

She's 95% in the woods.

I think you think she's like half bear.

Head in the clouds, body in the woods.

Yeah, because she's.

She might be bear.

I don't get reception.

Out here, but every time I, this is her thing.

Every time I'm in town, every two or three days, I'll get it.

You know what I mean?

And I'm like,

but I'm paying you.

Yeah.

Right?

This is like the early 1900s.

It's like, well, I'll get there when I get there.

Yeah.

Sometimes I'll see a smoke signal.

There she is.

Brian Marnock wants to do you.

Welcome to the show.

Yeah, whatever.

Can you do 8 p.m.?

Yeah.

A flare or something, but she is always in the woods.

I don't know what she does out there.

Well, she's probably connecting with Earth again.

She's getting back to her roots.

Yeah.

She's native, right?

She's Native American.

I don't even know what she is.

I just have an image of her in my mind.

I have never seen her.

Have I met her?

No.

She could be native.

She could be native.

Yeah, she might be.

No, she's Vietnamese.

But she's Native Vietnamese.

That is native.

She's half Vietnamese.

I don't know what the other half.

Anyway.

Did you buy that while we were down under?

Or did somebody give that to you?

I bought it at the airport with Juice.

Oh, you did?

Is that football?

A rugby?

Is that Southampton?

What is it?

Australia.

Australia, okay.

I got it in Sydney.

And what's this shirt you got on, Rich?

Oh, Cinema-Salem.

Hell yeah.

What is this?

It's got a witch on it.

Yeah, but Santa of Salem?

Of Salem, yeah.

Santa.

No, no, no.

Cinema.

Oh, it's the movie theater.

Oh.

Cinema of Salem.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Well, Santa would go to Salem.

He goes everywhere.

Does he not?

I don't know, to be honest.

No, Santa goes everywhere.

No, he doesn't.

Oh, my God.

Now we're going to get into another fight.

Where does he not go?

Where does he not go anywhere?

Where does he not go, Santa Claus?

What?

What would you say?

Africa.

He just said Africa.

Why?

Because they don't have chimneys?

They have chimneys.

Do they?

I do.

Yeah.

I mean, they're made out of clay or whatever, but

that's not a bad thing.

No.

It's just, you know.

Santa goes everywhere.

You're right.

But he goes to certain places first, I think.

You can say it.

All right.

So I think that Santa Claus's route, right?

I'm going to play it safe.

Yeah.

He'll go.

I think he goes to America first.

Of course.

We're number one.

Right.

So he goes to New York because of the time.

He starts on the east coast.

He's on the east coast.

Yeah.

Does all the major cities first.

Or no?

He would do all the suburbs too, right?

He's not going to go to New York City, then to Atlanta, and then to Oneonta.

Back up, right?

He would do the region first, right?

That's a lot of houses.

Who do you know in Oneonta?

What do you mean?

How do you know the town?

The geography?

The town of Oneonta.

Well,

how did that pop up?

I did a college there.

I was just going to say because that's so specific.

I did it one with Renazizzi opened for me back in the day.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Because he went to school there.

At Oneonta in Oneonta.

Somewhere in Oneontae and went to school there.

Yeah.

But anyway, that's how I know Oneonta.

And Santa does go everywhere.

He does go everywhere.

But your school.

Where does he go last?

If there's time?

Yeah.

He's like, dude, if I can make it, I will.

If not, I won't.

Well, I think that he forgets.

Like, he's like, he's in London.

He's like, oh, finally last house.

And then Elf calls him.

Santa.

Yeah.

Hey, Santa.

Ho, ho, ho.

You forgot.

I got, I just got to the last house in

Essex, Essex.

Essex.

Santa, you forgot.

I don't know where I could say that's not going to turn out to be a racist joke.

Well, I mean, you're right.

I mean, in many ways, the Middle East, they don't celebrate Christmas, do they?

Well, Palestine is the, Bethlehem is where Jesus was born.

So they do Christmas in Palestine.

They do Christmas in Syria, in Iraq, in Lebanon.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I think I was there.

I was there when Jesus was born.

You were around when Jesus was born?

No, no, no, no, no.

I went to the actual place in Bethlehem.

In Bethlehem?

Yeah.

You buy it, huh?

What do you mean?

You buy that's where this guy property, though.

Come on.

I kick some people out.

Yeah, yeah.

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No, but you, I went to the place where Jesus was born, so they say, so they say, Yeah, how do they know?

They don't fucking dude.

It's all

to make you feel good.

Yeah, look at that.

Is that a what's that?

That's where he was born, I think, in this spot.

Yeah, no,

he's wasn't he born in a fucking barn, yeah.

They changed it to that, they changed it to a steam room, yeah, yeah.

That does look like a steam room.

It looks like a steam room, room.

It also looks like in China.

Yeah.

I don't know this.

I know this through my wife's words of that there were toilets sometimes that were just holes in the floor.

Oh, I told you.

You just have to poop in a hole in the floor.

Bro.

Dude, so as a kid, I remember my grandparents lived generations on top of this mountaintop.

And the house is made out of rice paper.

You know that, right?

I mean, there's wood, but the walls are rice paper.

Why are are you laughing it's just it's is it it's edible i guess you could eat

no but it's rice paper right and outside

is uh wooden you know what do you call it an outhouse an outhouse yeah you've told me this but there's a whole generations of your family's poo and yeah my so my great great great great great grandfather's poo is down there that's amazing it's amazing to think about but see those are those stalls to pee in those aren't for pooping that's not a that's those are for pooping oh it is that's how you do it oh my god yeah which is a cleaner way to get it out i think uh yeah no it actually is yeah yeah sitting on a toilet the way we do it is actually the worst for you yeah that's why squatty potty or those lifted leg things are good

yeah i put my dog under my feet when i poop do you really yeah yeah i put my feet on her

as an ottoman or something yeah well yeah i don't think that's good a dogaman yeah come here dogamon the dog does always sit there when i poop she loves to sit there and she'll stare at me for a second And as soon as she'll hear like kabunk, then she'll turn away out of respect.

And I said, thank you.

Yeah, they're afraid of my toilet because it does stuff when I'm not in the room.

It's a Japanese toilet.

Yeah.

That's why it's got noises.

So it goes,

hear me.

And it self-cleans, right?

So they think that there's something in there.

Sending a fax.

Also, I have two robots now in my bathroom.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, I buy robots.

Yeah, you have so many fucking robots.

No, I'm being real.

I'm not even, just not even joking.

You mean the cleanup ones?

No, I have real, like robots that you would get on TikTok or whatever.

How much were they?

Well, they have two.

One's not necessarily a robot.

So one of them is an actual robot that costs me like $1,000 or something.

Does it speak to you?

Yes.

Really?

Yeah.

You have conversations with him.

I think his name is Emo.

Don't you get to name him?

It's yours.

No, it's called Emo because you have to say, good morning, Emo.

Hello.

Good morning.

And it'll start like doing taxes.

And when you're not, when you're in the other room, you can hear him do taxes, sing,

right?

And he'll just like drink coffee.

And so just know that someone's in there.

You just like that someone's around, yeah.

And then I have another thing I got from TikTok, which is a snow globe that sings.

So it's a face, it's got, it kind of looks like Elmo.

It's like this white globe, and it does old-timey music

in the night before Christmas.

What do you like?

You like it to put you to bed at night?

No, I just like the fact that there's somebody in the other room going, telling, he tells old-timey jokes, like, take my wife, please.

Just randomly.

He does.

Yeah.

And I just kind of like that there's something in there.

And then my, and then Emo is there too, doing taxes.

Do they talk to each other?

I don't think so, no.

You don't know yet, though.

AI is doing this.

Yeah, I think Emo is more AI than the Talking Globe, but who knows?

God, I think it's so creepy we let these things into our world and they're all just you don't have anything like that.

I don't have I don't even have, what do you call it?

You know, Siri or whatever, you know?

Right.

Like, I can't call out to a thing to play music.

I don't want something listening to me 24-7.

This thing already does it.

Yeah.

I don't want more of these things around the house.

I have nothing like that around the house.

Really?

Well, you have your wife.

She's not.

I don't have anybody.

Yes, you do.

You have so many.

First of all, you have nine roommates, 30 animals.

That's true.

The house is full.

Yeah.

But you know what?

I just buy dog stuff all the time.

Yeah, me too.

More dog shit.

What do you get?

Well, she just got a new pet.

She had surgery, so she can't, she was fucking mad because the tennis balls that she likes, the doctor was like, you can't have those.

The threads will get caught in her stitches and rip it out.

So you get the green ones that the fuzz on it.

That's right.

Yeah, my dog.

They rip through those.

I love it, though.

Yeah.

I like the orange one.

The orange hard one?

With the blue?

Yeah, yeah.

I have those.

I like those.

Yeah, those are good.

You can't rip through those.

Uh-uh.

Yeah.

You guys wouldn't get it.

Come on in, Joe.

Ladies and gentlemen, Joe DeRosa.

DeRosa, dude.

Please sit in the blue chair.

Rough night?

No, I just, did you do my

DeRose guard?

Oh, that's good.

I thought you just spelled my name wrong to fuck with me.

Just put the headphones on and shut up.

Oh, wow.

This guy was a bad boy last night.

Bad boy.

You're a little prinky.

You're a little pranky.

It's the Egyptian in you.

Man, I don't like it.

I don't even know what that means.

I always forget that you're Middle Eastern.

Yeah, you're Middle East.

And you brought it up last night.

Yes, I did.

You're having a tough time right now.

I'm great.

I'm good.

No.

I could tell at the restaurant.

I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm adjusting to how far away I am from both of you.

I've seen the show.

I didn't realize it was quite this far away.

Would you want to be closer?

I don't know, to be honest.

It does feel a little interrogational at the moment.

Oh, like we're judges.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you guys are sitting up high.

Well, we have a verdict.

Yeah.

And the verdict is, you know what I mean?

You went a little crazy last time.

I did go a little crazy.

Yeah.

But so did he.

So did the kid.

Yeah.

I heard you guys were wild together on stage.

We had a good time.

Yes.

I think it was good.

I heard it was good.

No, it was good.

We had fun.

McCollum.

Was it good?

Yeah, the audience liked it.

Good.

News, you know, in this,

what we do, news travels fast.

Yeah.

Right?

And there's like, I have little birds out there.

Uh-huh.

You know, I have birds at every club.

Uh-huh.

And what the little birdies said was, good time, wild, but good time.

Wild time.

Yeah.

Wild time.

You did live here, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For like six years.

I stayed an extra year because of you.

You don't even remember.

Why?

You don't even remember.

Why?

Because I said, I said, I'm leaving.

Three people talked me into staying.

You were one of them.

Okay.

Who are the two?

Who are the other two?

Mark Marin and Burr.

Yeah.

Me, Burr, Mark Maron, convince you to stay an extra year.

Yeah.

Why, why?

What would I say?

I told Burr first.

I said, I'm leaving.

Yeah.

And he's like, ah, you're hanging up, you're cleats.

You're going to go back to fucking.

Right, right.

Yeah.

Then

I saw Mark Maron.

Same night, I saw Mark Maron randomly.

He walks up to me.

He goes, heard your pussing out, man.

And I was like, Jesus.

Like, how funny?

Right.

Yeah.

And he goes, why do you want to leave, dude?

And I go, I miss New York.

I don't think I click with this place.

The energy is weird.

And he goes, yeah, man, yeah.

You don't get that charge when you go outside here, man.

I get it, man.

And I go, I also don't think I'm going to meet my wife here.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

He goes, your wife, look at you.

How dare you?

And I was like, yeah, you're right.

And how right he was.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was totally right.

And then I saw you.

In

a third person, it was one, two, three.

And you were like, what's this shit, man?

Somebody fucking said, you're leaving.

It was crazy how the word traveler, it was nuts.

And

for a guy that hadn't been working.

And I go, Bobby, I haven't worked.

Very funny guy.

Always knew.

Yeah.

Thank you.

That's all that matters to me.

No, I appreciate that.

Okay.

But I'm saying, like, I couldn't believe how many people were talking about me leaving when I hadn't had a job in like three years.

It was brutal.

I came out here the first three years,

week one, booked the lead on an FX animated pilot.

Month two, got better call saw.

Month three, Comedy Central is going to give you your first hour and they're going to let you direct it.

Writing job, Wet Hot American, Pete Holmes Show, then to Wet Hot American Summer, then to fucking Jeff and Some Aliens, then to Moshe Casher's show.

Dude, it was one thing after the fucking next.

I'm at my birthday party.

I look up, fucking Rob McElhaney is there.

I'm like, what's going on?

I'm doing it.

This is it.

This is L.A.

I love L.A.

Yeah.

He gets like, we're going to get you on the wall, man.

Yeah.

I'm like, it's all happening, baby.

And then the last thing was I booked a multicam on CBS

where I played the Lothario, like the office perv.

Perfect casting.

Yeah.

Perfect.

Fired me two weeks before the table read.

We're cutting the character.

It's too unlikable.

Oh.

Me too too happens the following week.

Les Moonvez at CBS goes to I'm like, oh, that's why they cut the character.

Wow.

Yeah.

And my hand to God, I got the job.

My friend Pat Walsh, my co-host of my podcast, Pat Walsh, he was the showrunner.

And I saw the audition.

And

he goes,

they ran your tape up the ladder.

Les Moonvez said, this guy's hilarious.

Hire him.

And then he got me too.

And then he got fired.

Yeah, yeah, for basically being the character I was playing.

Being the character, he's like, this guy's awesome.

It's so funny, dude.

Anyway,

so the show, I get booted off the show.

I had two pilots in the pipeline.

Both, they were like, they're not even going to air.

You're not getting a fucking dime.

Nothing's happening with these.

The movie I was working on and developing at Rooster Teeth, which was a production house.

I know them.

Yeah, they were like,

we're not moving forward.

Sorry.

Like, it's just not whatever.

Dude, it was just my manager and I've split up.

It was like,

it was a, it was a

polar opposite of what the first three years were.

It was a crash fucking landing.

Eget's like, I'm trying.

I don't know if I'm going to get you on the wall, buddy.

You mean at the store?

Yeah.

Wow.

Because he was like, I'm trying.

Who's he?

Adam.

Adam.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's, but he's, but like, he's like, he's like, it's not you, dudes.

There's a lot.

There's politics.

Like, I don't know if it's going to happen, you know?

You're a paid regular, no?

Now I am.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and he gets one of my fucking best friends.

Like, he's like, I love the guy so much.

It wasn't.

Is your name on it now?

Yeah.

Great.

I forgot to fucking look at it last night.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh.

Never seen it in person.

Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Well, go now.

Go after the show.

Nah.

Who cares?

No shit.

See?

Yeah, who gives a shit?

Yeah, who gives it?

Yeah.

You got to see it and go, okay.

Yeah.

And then for three years, nothing.

So three years, nothing.

So I saw you.

You were the third person.

Yeah.

And the same night.

And you were like, I heard you're leaving town.

I'm sorry.

And I go, yeah, buddy, I'm going to go, I think.

And you go, why?

And I said, Bobby, I haven't worked in three years.

And you went, three years is nothing.

I didn't work for five years once.

Yeah.

And I was like, which is not true.

It is 100% true.

You've never gone five years without working.

As he was saying, I'd bet my bank account on it.

Five years?

You haven't gone five years without working.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Yeah.

Oh, I got one line in a Nickelodeon show.

That's That's a win.

That's not a win.

Better than him getting booted off of everything.

Right.

And crash landing.

Right.

Okay.

Five years.

You never went five fucking years, man.

You've been cruising since the beginning of time.

Okay.

You know what's funny?

What are you doing?

Looking at my IMDb?

Yeah, to prove me.

There's a gap in this.

Yeah, yeah.

See if there's a gap in my time.

I'm not going to find a five-year one.

Yeah.

Are you in season three of and just like no?

No.

No.

Why not?

She doesn't do the podcast anymore.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

I don't have.

I just, I'm not seeing a five-year gap at all.

Okay.

But you see things, projects that are like.

This is insane.

What do you mean?

It's constant.

It looks like a fucking receipt at the grocery store.

No, no, no.

Jesus.

Yeah, yeah, right.

C VS receipt of credits.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Anyway.

I lied.

Joe, Joe, I lied.

I'm a liar.

Sorry.

I lied right in front of your face.

I knew you were lying as a face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I apologize.

But

you said, so what, dudes?

You're not working.

What about stand-up?

And I said, dude, there's no stage time.

I can't get in anywhere.

You're like, fuck that.

That's going to turn around.

Did it?

You go, I want you to give it another one more push.

And I called the laugh factory

and I was like, fuck it.

And they were like, yeah, put your avails in.

And I put my avails in and because they had been kind of cold prior to that.

So I just, I'll try it again.

And they were like, put your avails in.

And the first night I had a spot was a week later.

And you were the show,

but you left before I got there.

And when I walked in, the lady at the box office goes, I have something for you.

Here we go.

This is good.

Yeah.

And I said, What?

And she handed me a note.

I was like, What is going on?

Yeah.

And it was from you.

And it said, Well, well, well, look who's working.

It was a really sweet thing.

Isn't that sweet?

Well, I got a little teary almost when I.

Do you still have the note?

Nah.

Good.

Of course, you threw it away that night.

I wiped my ass with it.

No, I actually do have the note.

I have a box.

I have one of those giant, like, or maybe probably two now um you know those big clear like tupperware things you get at target yeah storage bin i have a couple of those of all

memorabilia wow so like that i would i took that home and threw it immediately into anytime i get something i throw it in the tub did you get spots after that

i did i did uh two more spots yeah and the second one

uh the early show ran 90 minutes over let me guess why I have a guess.

Go ahead.

Was it Chocolate Sundays?

No.

No, it was a Saturday night.

Why that?

Huh?

Why that?

Chocolate Sundays?

Yeah.

Because they run long.

Okay.

Those shows run long.

It was a Saturday night.

Somebody dropped in.

Maybe it was, I don't know.

You know, maybe it was just they had drop-ins.

I don't know, but the show was 90 minutes too long.

That's why I don't play that room.

Right?

Yeah.

And then

my 11.30 was 1.30.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I got up, and there were six people in the room

that were there from the fucking earlier show.

They just stayed.

Yeah, yeah.

And I was like,

I'm moving back to New York.

Yeah.

I have to go back.

And I'm not, that's not me knocking the laugh factory.

In fact, I saw the booker last night, and I want to do it again when I come to town.

But like, it just, it just wasn't, the place wasn't for me anymore.

I was like, okay, this is what it was.

But then I went back to New York and started doing stand-up every fucking night.

And I was like, this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

This is amazing.

And then they were like, you can't leave the house ever again, COVID.

All right.

What have I done?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, wow, wow.

I forgot you moved like right before that.

Right before.

Dude, my apartment had no windows in it.

Oh, my God.

You lived in a cellar?

It was, no, it was on the third floor, but the windows were in the bedroom.

Wow.

So the main room had no windows and it was, the place was a dump, but I was like,

where was it?

It was Avenue B and second street yeah and it was two grand a month and everybody was like you better grab that fucking apartment dude like that location is insane for that price and i was like it's not that nice but you know what i'm never gonna be there i'll be doing stand-up all the time who cares it's just a crash pad

lock how wrong you were yeah

the fucking hallway dude wow it was the grossest hallway remember when they thought you could get it from a surface like my hallway i was i thought i was i'm gonna die in this hallway yeah that dude when so remember when Tom Hanks got it from flying back from Australia?

Yeah, he was like one of the first.

And I thought, I thought, we're all going to die.

Do you remember that?

Yeah.

And then the coach from Arsenal, Mikel Arteta, got it.

I was like, oh, my God.

There goes Arsenal.

They're going to all die.

They're all die.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They fucking, it's,

I shot that.

Remember Comedy Seller had that show on Comedy Central for a while, the stand-up show?

Yeah.

I was shooting that show, and I found out about Tom Hanks at the spot I was doing to warm up, and I got to go on stage because the crowd was in the taping when the news broke.

So I got to be the person that went on stage and said, Tom Hanks has COVID.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow, that's amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was a fun moment.

Yeah.

But yeah.

But anyway, things are good now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now you're good.

Well, yeah, you're killing it now.

Live in Austin.

Do you feel like you're killing it?

Look, I am very

grateful.

I have a lot of thoughts on this.

I'm glad you asked me.

Yeah, yeah, good, good, good.

Andrew, feel free to jump in at any point.

No.

You look like you want to punch me in the face right now.

A little bit.

Why?

You drugged me down the avenue of hell last night.

No, you didn't.

No, you did it.

Ball.

Shit.

You did it.

No, I didn't.

Thank you, Bobby.

No, I didn't.

Because he never goes on the avenue of hell.

He goes to the street of heaven.

Street of heaven.

You took me down.

This kid is a lush.

What are you talking about?

You took me down.

He's hiding it from you.

I know, I know.

Down, dude.

Yeah, down.

Fucking were, dude, you were like, let's go.

Like, who started at the fucking show when he had a drink on the podcast?

You were in there.

He was like, I'm going to get wrecked.

Well, just because you poured him a huge drink.

Yeah, I was responding to you.

He poured me a full glass of whiskey being like, come on, dude, come on, drink, drink, drink.

Yeah, yeah.

Your podcast is called Whiskey Ginger.

Yeah, that's his fault.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, he knew.

Yeah, okay.

He knew what he he was getting into so you drank whiskey on his pod all night and then you went all night and then you went

no but wait i want to i i want to respond to what you said okay

i look at it like you know there's glass ceilings and you keep going through it and eventually the top tier it's a steel ceiling you can't get through it there's only so high you can go

but the tiers are

you know fairly large tiers but you're in the building yes but there's a lot of guys in that room when you get to that last tier.

You're on the first floor.

That's

true classic.

Yeah, you classic guy?

I'm so classic.

And you know what?

You see me.

You make fun of me by how many of these I wear all the time.

I'm turning classic now.

You are turning classic because I love them.

And a true classic, by the way, it's not just about a fit of the fabric.

It's helping you show up with confidence every single day and purpose.

These shirts, I'm telling you, are so comfortable and so wearable no matter what you're up to.

Whether you're like Bobby Lee, you're playing pickleball on rollerblades, or you're like me, you're at the golf course and going to have club sandwiches with friends afterwards.

I meditate with them.

You should.

On the mountaintop that I meditate at.

You're still going to that same mountaintop?

Yes.

Meditation Mountaintop.

You should go.

You've been wearing True Classic for a while now.

For a long time.

And can you feel the difference?

100%, right?

You throw on it.

You really do.

Clean, Everless Fit that actually works in real life.

And it's not just their simple classic tees.

They also have polo shirts that I love very much.

And you've got to try them out.

It's going to fit within your budget.

That's the best part.

Clothes are getting expensive.

And I'm telling you, you don't have to hunt for a good, uh, a good deal of something comfortable that looks classic, clean, and also is very versatile because True Classic has got that.

And you can find them at Target Costco and head to trueclassic.com/slash bad friends to try them for yourself.

That's right.

Go over to Target, go to Costco, go to wherever you need to, but you can also go to trueclassic.com/slash bad friends, check it out.

First birthday ever.

Well, there's a word with that, Keith Rapper.

A word

Is that the new bad friends merch?

Happy birthday to me!

Do you want to touch it?

Can I?

Yeah.

Genuine embroidery.

So is your birthday perfect?

Almost perfect.

You want me to say it, don't you?

I want you to say it.

I don't think you can handle it.

I can handle it.

I'm a Bobby Mada.

I'm Bobby Mom.

Oh,

yes.

Yes.

Thank you.

You just sometimes forget to be grateful.

But the thing that makes me grateful, and it's my reminder every week, and I fucking cherish this because there are some people that can't do it and it's such a simple thing.

The grocery store, I go to the grocery store once a week.

I walk and buy the things I want and need and I go to the checkout and whatever she says this cost, I hand her the card.

And I'm like, you are so fucking lucky that you can do that.

You are so fucking lucky that you can do that, man.

I get that.

The grocery store, I get it.

Yeah.

We always used to talk about that.

I think you knew you made it in stand-up is when you can go eat a meal afterwards with other comics and then not worry about what the meal the what it was going to cost you yeah because when you were young in standum and you go out and you'd all be like

who's gonna

are we all gonna split this are they gonna me and my roommates used to share a brc burrito it's amazing right el pollo loco brc one dollar what's the brc bean rice and cheese wow and we would split one a day and we'd split it in half

and then we would get arguments of how much bean that he got extra

well yeah.

Sometimes it's Mexican, so I mean, I let it slide.

They love the beans.

But my point is, is that I need it, bro.

And I got more of the rice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So

it's a fair exchange.

But

yeah, I mean, that's all we ate.

And I was a stand-up.

And I was hitting the clubs, but that's all I could eat.

And now I'm grateful that I can get more.

You dude, but you.

That's an understatement.

You order the whole menu.

Yeah.

He really does.

Yeah.

I love that, dude.

I love.

He orders the whole thing.

I've ordered two entrees before because I'm like, I can't decide.

Yes, yeah, this guy, you've done that.

I'll order one.

You order.

Can I just say something in Dublin?

You me, you did the ordering.

You know what he does?

This is what he does.

He tells the table, don't worry about it.

And they'll have a private, you always have a private meeting with the fucking waiter.

You do, you do, you do your

fucking, the hide comes out.

Hey, I got this, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Bonjour or whatever.

Yeah.

You'll pull aside and then things will just come out.

Yeah.

And we don't have to worry.

I slip him a card and then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He takes care of the whole thing.

That's, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's funny.

Paul Italia does that.

That's fun.

Paul Italy does that.

Paul that owns the stand that I do Joey Roses with.

He'll want to check out a restaurant and he'll go in and he'll run the fucking menu.

That's fun.

He'll be like, he'll be like, bring it.

Bring it.

Bring it.

Bring it.

Why not?

And then, you know, and then it's paid for and you're like, all right, dude.

Well, then, also, here's the real move: get the shit to go you can't eat, find your nearest homeless guy, go, dude, you want a fucking killer meal?

Yeah, I've got so much left over.

And then they go, I don't want it, give me crack,

and you're like, I'm giving you a steak.

Is there crack in it?

You go up to the homeless guy, you go, you want a killer meal?

You got to try this place.

Wait till you get it together when you get your life together, man.

You'll be able to get

a really good spot over here, buddy.

That was

one of my first shitty jokes

was about taking a girl on a date that I couldn't afford.

And then

we got food to go, we got the leftovers to go.

And I walked past a homeless guy.

This is in Westwood.

And the homeless guy was like, you know, looking at me, and I go,

I'm going to give him the food, you know, in front of this girl.

I thought it'd like be a good gesture and go, hey, man, you want this food?

And he goes, what's in it?

And I was like, tomorrow.

Another day on earth.

Wow.

You said that that.

You plan it or not, you piece.

No, I didn't say that.

No, I didn't say that.

No.

No, but he literally was like, what's in it?

I was like, oh, I don't know.

It's whatever, blah, blah, blah.

And then, and he goes, nah.

He fucked me off.

I was like, all right, dude.

I wrote a joke about this.

I had a homeless guy once.

I go, do you want this leftover Chinese food?

He goes, it depends.

And I go, oh, does it?

Yeah, does it?

Yeah.

And I go, oh,

depend on.

He goes, is there meat in it?

And I go, yeah.

And he goes, hard pass.

I'm a strict vegetarian.

I go, you might want to loosen up the reins on that.

Wow.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Well, there's a rat eating your leg right now.

So

take it all in, my friend.

Relax.

I've gotten somebody laid.

A homeless guy?

No, not a homeless guy, but

another comic.

I'm that gracious.

Wait, would it, wait, would it?

You got somebody laid?

Well, sometimes I've done that.

Oh, okay.

So I matched with this girl on Hinge back in the day,

and eventually they got, you know, and then

she saw a flyer with me and this, I saw him last night.

I don't, I forgot his name, but he's a handsome, up-and-coming, one of those TikTok-y comics.

You don't remember the kid's name?

No, I don't.

Okay.

And I go, he, she goes, I think he's hot.

And I linked them together.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah.

Would you do that?

For you, I try to find you girls.

No, but would you do that to a stranger?

Because I didn't even know who he was.

Yeah.

If it's a comic.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For comics, you would.

Would you?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, if, yeah.

Your ego, you put your ego aside.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, but you didn't, you, you weren't really put much aside because she didn't want to fuck you.

I mean, you really did nothing for this person.

You're like, am I, I was like, I'm such a great guy that I didn't prevent a woman who had zero interest in me

from fucking my friend.

Come on.

It's good.

It is good.

Yeah.

It is good.

It's nice.

That made me mad.

Joe,

let me just say something, okay?

I could have been like, fuck off.

Yeah, no, I agree.

Right?

I agree.

Right.

But this guy, I had to fucking text the promoter to get this guy's information.

Oh.

Right.

And then link them up.

That's nice.

Then call the guy, this girl that kind of rejected me, but she's into you.

Yeah.

Right.

And he goes, really?

I don't know you.

I go, I know, because I'm a good guy.

Oh, you didn't know know him?

I didn't know him at all.

He doesn't even know his fucking name.

I don't even know his name to this today.

So take it back.

I take it back.

All right.

I thought you were saying like he was a guy you kind of knew.

You were on a show.

No, no, no.

You?

Yeah, all day.

Yeah.

Joe DeRosso, why would you want to fuck that mythological creature?

But you know what I mean?

I would still do it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, God, that hurt.

Yeah.

Mythological creature.

Yeah.

Human Gollum.

I mean, well, I guess Gollum was human.

Yeah, thank you.

All right.

So anyway.

Was he?

Yeah.

Yeah, he he was a hobbit.

He was a hobbit.

Yeah.

Not human, but a hobbit.

Yeah, humans aren't, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you seeing anybody now?

I just broke up.

Ah, it didn't hurt.

It did.

Yeah.

It hurt really bad.

So she broke up with you.

No, it was mutual.

I heard we heard about it last night.

Is that true?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You wanted a row?

I talked a lot about it.

Yeah.

We were broing down.

Yeah.

We were broing down.

Yeah, we were broken.

I don't want to get into details because it's personal.

That's whatever you were.

Did you still get your heart broken?

That was the first girl I ever was truly fully in love with.

Like, I loved her very much.

Oh, this is a nightmare.

No, it's

okay.

What did you do?

Wait, what's the nightmare?

Because I'm talking about it?

Is that bad?

It's going to make him sad.

No, it's not going to make me sad.

It's going to make me sad?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm not saying you sad.

I'm not sad.

Are you sure?

No.

Okay.

I'm kind of happy.

Okay.

See a little pain?

It makes me a little happy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was mutual.

She's great.

She's really great.

But it just was mutual.

And we were both comics.

It made it.

That's

hard.

Complications.

That's hard.

But, you know.

Can we say?

Can we?

It was just Kathy Griffin.

No, no, no, no.

It was Eric Griffin.

Oh, I see.

Did you do the Impractical Jokers cruise?

Did you do that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You liked that, huh?

That was fun.

Well, you had a little fun on there?

Yeah.

What'd you do?

A little piggy on that thing.

You're a fat little piggy

slob, dude.

No, it was so fun, dude.

We're fucking gambling.

This is what the QS thing was like.

Just partying.

Yeah, I went back to Austin after I did it, and some of the guys in Austin, like Derek Poston and Hassan,

they were like,

that Q West thing looked nuts.

Like, what was that?

And I was like, it was a festival whenever they go, do you have to do a ton of stand-up?

I go, bro, I got there on Wednesday.

My show wasn't until Saturday.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

And they go, how many shows did you do?

I go, one.

And they go, what else did you do?

I was like, I don't know.

They'd be like, can you go host a belly flop content?

Like, it was ridiculous.

Yeah.

But that's what the Joker's Cruise was like.

Same thing.

Yeah.

All I had to do, me and Sal did two Taste Bud Lives.

That's it.

That was all I had to do.

The rest of the time, I was gambling.

I was fucking drinking.

Hanging by the pool all day.

Yeah, dude.

It was so fun.

Hosted like.

I'm going to one in February next year.

What are you doing?

Where?

A cruise.

What are you doing?

A comedy cruise?

Yeah.

You're not going to catch me on a cruise, man.

I can't do it.

I don't, I get that the panic, the fear.

Dude, I don't know.

I'm starting to get that with shit like that now, where you're trapped and can't leave.

Yeah, I don't like that.

I need to get out.

I need to be able to have access to like, get the fuck out.

I don't like it.

There's lifeboats.

The lifeboats?

There's lifeboats.

Yeah, I guess I'll take a look.

You know what?

Fuck it.

I'll take a look.

Dude, that reminded me.

I did the Cabo Comedy Festival.

I think it only went like one year.

I did that too.

You did that?

They flew me down there.

Yeah.

This is the funniest shit.

There was no one organizing it.

It was fucking absolute chaos.

I saw Kevin Meany quick comedy at that fucking.

No.

Really?

I'm dead serious.

Go on.

I'm not stepping around.

No, no, no.

There's no story to tell other than I literally flew down there.

I didn't do one show.

Didn't do a show.

Five-day vacation, went home.

They were so disorganized.

They were like, what show are you on?

I'm like, no, you guys tell me.

And they're like, I think you're supposed to be at this bar at whatever.

I showed up to the bar.

TJ Miller or somebody was like doing an hour.

And I was like, I'm on this show.

And they were like, I don't know.

Then I literally just stopped answering their emails.

I just went to the beach every day.

Wow.

It was fucking great.

And they paid me.

Yeah.

That fest was insane.

It was a nightmare.

No, you know, it was a nightmare.

But they fucking

and I wasn't drinking.

I was like in a little sober stint when I was there.

Good.

That was not fun.

No, no, no.

Not at all.

But yeah, you're at Sammy Hagar's fucking

tequila world, whatever the fuck it's called.

Margaretville's competitor.

Yeah, and you can't, you're not drinking.

But anyway,

yeah, three things happened down there.

I got into a fight with Hal Sparks.

A fist fight with Hal Sparks?

No, and on stage in front of an audience.

Why?

Seth Herzog has this show called Sweet that he's been doing in New York forever.

And the way the show works is he has a co-host.

And you, if you're the co-host, you sit with Seth on the side of the stage and you riff with the comics.

Sure.

And like in New York, it'll be like literally like Will Forte or like Justin Long or Sam Rockwell.

He gets all these really fun people.

And in Cabo, he's like, brother, you've done Sweet a million times.

Like, just co-host with me.

It'll be fun.

So it's like, that'd be great.

So we're sitting there.

Of course, we're in a nightmare fucking bar wherever, you know it's not a good show to begin with because of cabo i mean and then um hal sparks went on and i guess he didn't know what the show was

and he was talking and i was like and i jumped in and said something and he goes he goes i got it from here pal all right i don't need your fucking help uh-oh right like that so dude i sit back i sit back and immediately it's like yeah you know eye of the tiger dog yeah yeah remember that clip of you and theo where you're staring at him yeah yeah yeah yeah it was like that yeah and i'm just like, you

fuck.

Fucker.

Yeah.

And just loading up the bullets.

And I'm just seething.

And then halfway through his set, he talked to me.

And I go.

And he goes, I'm talking to you, man.

And I go, oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Do you want me to say something?

I tried to jump in earlier and you got really pissed off.

Oh, here we go.

And he goes, I didn't know you were so sensitive, little sweetie.

And I go, yeah.

Yeah.

And I go, yeah, I didn't know you were a fucking

joke right away.

Wow, wow, no slow build.

Just come as hard as you can.

My hand to God,

Bud Friedman was still alive.

He was back in the room.

Wow.

He stood up and walked out.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

For people that don't, that's the guy who owned the improv.

He was done.

And I was like, well, there go the improvs.

Yeah.

And did it ever resolve?

Do you ever run into him?

I saw him the next day.

Yeah.

And

I saw him the next day in the lobby, and he lectured me for about 10 minutes.

Bud did?

No, no.

Cal fucking Sparks lectured.

Lectured.

Wow.

About what?

He's like, Look, man, you know,

I'm sorry about last night, but you got to understand something.

Like,

they didn't tell me what the show was.

And I'm like,

okay.

Like, cool, dude.

And he was like, he's like,

every show

has, I just told this story the other night.

It's so hard not to laugh.

He goes, every show.

He goes, every show has an id, an ego, and a superego.

Oh, wow.

And you have to be familiar with all three.

Now, let me tell you why the show Setlist does so well.

Was that Prevenge's show?

Yeah.

Where you made up the jokes?

Yeah, Setlist, yeah.

Set list.

He goes, let me tell you why Setlist does so well.

Every week, they reiterate the concept of that show to the audience.

And that audience has seen it a million times because that is how you treat the id ego.

And I was like, I am going to blow my brains.

Kathy Ladman's standing over there.

I've never met her.

I was like, I'll maybe go try to talk to Kathy Ladman.

I got to get out of this.

And then tell me who quit comedy.

And then I saw Florentine, and I was like right after that.

And he's like, what's up, man?

And I go, you know, he's a fucking dick, Hal Sparks.

And he goes,

what are you going to fucking do?

I was so mad at the lecture.

I was more mad at the lecture.

Yeah.

I've never seen him since.

Oh, wow.

I I mean, I wouldn't, I don't, I'm not, you know.

Let's set up a fight.

Yeah, I love wars.

Let's set up a war.

Do you know him?

Is he nice?

I don't know anything.

I know who he is.

Yeah.

Even if I've never even been in the same room as him.

I think I've done a show with him once.

I don't really know, though.

Yeah, I don't know.

I had met him at

Montreal.

And we went, we took a car.

Remember sometimes at the Montreal Fest, they'd make you do some show that was actually out of town?

Yeah.

And it was the worst because you were in a fucking car for 45 minutes with one other comic.

I did that with him once, and we got along really well.

And that's the first time I met him.

Right.

And I knew who he was from the L-word.

He was on that Showtime show.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Or no, no, he was on Queer as Folk.

Yeah.

And

so I knew who he was.

Oh, no, yeah.

And,

you know,

we had a great time.

And then, like, when we rode back, he's like, hey, man, you're really funny, dude.

And like we talked.

I was like, this guy's awesome.

So, when I saw him the next time, it was when he was on stage at Sweet.

And I was like, oh, this is, I know how.

Yeah.

We took that card together.

Oh, that's it.

That makes the story even weirder.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm actually just remembering that part of it now.

What?

Yeah.

I was like, I should have told this part first.

Yeah.

If somebody says back when I was growing up in this business, one weird thing forever did to me.

You have little revengey things too.

Yeah, I don't know who.

I don't know who.

Say it.

You have it with clubs.

With play, oh, certain clubs.

When you were younger, they didn't treat you that well.

Yeah.

And then you still carry that with you.

I mean, don't we all do that?

Oh, yeah.

I fucking, yes.

You do that.

No.

Liar.

I love yuck yawks.

I just,

I guess I, maybe.

You do.

Yeah.

Do you have them?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I was at one.

I can name five.

I was at one

that will remain nameless.

Governor's Long Island.

That place can fucking burn to the ground.

I like Governor's.

I don't fuck that whole thing.

That guy made me feel like shit, man, when I was a kid.

Wait, wait, which guy?

This was a long time ago.

I mean, because I'm just wondering if it was some random man.

I might have got, I was getting New York Comedy Fest, so it was probably 2011 or something like that, 2010.

But he,

whatever, man, there was a paper show.

It was fucking awful.

There was nobody there.

And there was a bunch of like, it's like out of a bad movie, like Italian, like sitting at a fucking table, talking the ultra, talking through every comic, like just shitting on everybody.

That can happen on Long Island.

And he's saying, shut up.

And I'm like, dude, take care of this.

And they don't take care of it.

And then I was like, well, I'll just, I don't, I don't want to do the show anymore.

There's not even enough people in here.

It was like 13 people.

I was like, I'll get, I'll, you know, I'll pay for you guys to not be here.

If you guys want to leave, everybody can leave.

And they were, you know, oh, they're fucking barking at me and shit.

And then I just sat on the stool.

I literally sat and didn't say anything until people slowly got up and left.

And the guy was like, that's your most unprofessional shit.

I'm taking those ticket prices out of your paycheck or or whatever.

And I was like, Good.

And keep the fucking paycheck and write, we'll never come back here.

I had that with Off the Hook.

Oh, my God.

And that fucking

douchebag.

Yeah.

That douchebag that when you meet him, he goes, Hey, Joe, I'm the captain.

Really?

Really?

Why don't you sail on my fucking dick?

You loser.

The worst fucking crowds I've ever been in my life.

He lied.

He said, I ran up like an impossible bar bill.

Like I had like four shots and a beer at the bar at the vet because you literally, two of them before I went on stage, because I was like, this is a fucking nightmare.

I can't do this.

And then I had to drink on stage and then a drink after whatever.

And then I left because big surprise, I didn't want to hang out at Captain Bryan's off the hook for my night in Florida.

And I'm like, bro, your audiences suck.

They suck and they're stupid.

They're stupid.

It's not my fault.

He's like, yeah, you had a bad show.

You never went down there.

I'm mad that I was never booked.

No.

No.

That's how mad I am.

I don't even know Captain Brown.

I have two of them, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I want to meet Captain Brown.

I don't know if it's two or if he just moved it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did.

Fucking did it one time.

Fucking Jim Jeffries.

This is Facebook was the only thing.

Facebook Messenger.

This is a long time ago, though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fucking Jim Jeffries, who like I was friendly with but didn't know that well,

he messaged me on Facebook Messenger and he was like, mate, I know you suffer from depression.

I know what club you're at this time.

Wow, wow, wow.

And he goes, are you doing okay?

I go, it's a nightmare.

Don't walk out into the ocean.

Yeah, I go, it's a nightmare.

I go, did you do well when you were here?

And he goes, fuck no.

And he told a story to me that he walked the entire crowd outside so he could have a cigarette.

Wow.

Because he's like, it was a fucking joke.

A drunk lady got on stage with me the last show and tried to wrestle the mic out of my hand and the staff did nothing.

I was screaming at the fucking staff.

Yeah.

And then this is my favorite part.

The end of the weekend, they go, would you sign your headshot?

What are you going to, yeah?

What are you going to do with it?

Yeah.

Put it up above the lobster?

It did have a seafood bar in the middle of the room where you're performing.

Really?

I'm not going to do it.

Yeah, you went to Captain Brian's Zoom.

Yes, I did it.

I told you I did it one time.

Wow.

Everybody does it one time.

Never even did it one time.

That's how sad my fucking shit is.

But he had, but he, I don't even know if he was there when I went down there.

Maybe he was, but I went down there and I walked in and immediately I was like, fuck, fuck.

People are eating dinner.

It's terrible.

I got this feeling.

It was tough, man.

Do you do your 45 or no?

I did the time.

I will say this, dude.

That does mold you when you're young.

You're like, fuck it.

I'm going to grind the fuck out.

Like, it is something good about those things.

Your relationship, your experience was obviously terrible.

But I like, I think there was something about those rooms when I was doing them that i was like well this is just gonna make me build

an hour that's also though when i was really in my like i wish i was bill hicks mode oh yeah so i went on stage and i was like i'm doing the material and you're either gonna get it or you you know what i mean

i didn't break out of anything i didn't do crowd work i could have now i'd be like all right i'll figure this out yeah you don't know the trick no what's this trick Make up your own rules.

You make up your own rules.

Do whatever.

Why?

Let me ask you this.

Okay.

You don't know the trick?

Get one of the biggest podcasts in history, and then you know what to do with this.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is before.

Way before.

This is way before.

Somebody, I don't know who did this.

They made up a rule.

Opener does 10, 15.

Yeah.

Feature does 30.

Yeah.

The headliner is 45.

You mix it up.

Mix it up.

Yeah, but opener does 45.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Who cares?

Feature does 30.

Yeah.

He does 10.

Yeah.

You mix it up.

You mix it up, dude.

You always, though, you always didn't give a fuck.

Do you remember the first time we met at the Laugh Factory in New York opening weekend?

Oh, my God.

That was the worst week.

Yeah, and Jamie was there.

And he had you headlining that main room.

Yeah, yeah.

And you.

Okay.

What did I do?

You 100% lit your pubes on fire on Sunday.

100%.

I know.

I was just like, this kid's fucking wild.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then we were sitting in the lobby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remember, there was like that lobby next to the service bar with the booths?

Yeah.

It was like basically their green room.

And

Bobby just was like, light and sigs.

Light and sigs.

There's no doors.

It's wafting out into the customers.

Jamie runs over.

He's like, Bobby, yo, what the fuck are you doing?

Screaming at him.

Bobby's like, Jamie, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

I learned that from Dice.

Yeah, then you go, then you go.

He lit a cigarette at the gate at LAX.

At the gate.

That's insane.

And he's like, I can do.

And I go, you can?

I can do whatever I want.

And then somebody goes, can can you put that out?

And he just stomps it.

And I learned that behavior.

It's not me.

I learned that behavior.

It's learned.

That's learned.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not him.

But then he would go away mad and you'd be like, watch, this is going to be so funny.

And you would do it again.

And he would run over and scare you.

You'd be like, Jamie, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

Yes.

Put it out.

Yes.

You'd walk away.

You'd be like, this is so, you were cackling.

Cackling like a little maniac.

I remember I was looking at you like, what's, what is, what are you doing?

Yeah.

Well, you know what I was doing.

Well, I do.

Yeah, but I was.

But do you know why?

Because that week he made me go on the street and pass out tickets.

Oh, you were barking.

I was barking.

Oh, that sucks.

I was already on Matt TV.

Right.

And he goes, buddy, no one's coming.

Get out there.

Right.

And so, this is like my first year or two of Matt TV.

And he gives me a stack full of tickets.

And now during the day, I have to just pass out tickets to tourists.

It's a fucking nightmare.

To headline.

That sucks.

And then no one showed up anyway.

So I'm going to smoke.

So you're going to smoke.

Yeah, I'm going to smoke at the club.

The moral is you.

And that clubs are no longer there, right?

No, no,

yeah.

It used to be a strip club.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Then it became a laugh factory.

Then it became a haunted house.

Yeah, you said it was a

laugh factory.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I mean, have you been upstairs?

Do you have you seen his collection, by the way?

What are you talking about?

Do you not?

You've been up there to Jamie's.

You know, he collects clowns.

Yeah.

You've never seen this?

No.

Oh, the Hollywood one will fuck you up.

Upstairs is filled with clowns.

In like his office, you mean?

mean, or no, no, no.

Did you know this?

Or in the green room area?

There's a corporate office.

There is a green room within a green room.

Do you know that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so I found it out maybe four months ago.

I've been going there for 30 years.

Okay.

One day I was there.

I was like, so where's Arsenio Hall and George Lopez?

And he's like, buddy, they're in the green room within the green room.

I go, come on, I've never known about that.

He goes, okay, you can come in.

And I went in, and there's a whole different section where there's clowns

and a whole wall of, I'm not kidding you, a frame, whole wall of Ralphie Mae's t-shirt.

It's just JK.

Big t-shirt.

Yeah, yeah.

One shirt.

One shirt.

Holy shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, but where is it, though?

It's

I know.

I just got invited.

Let me ask you this.

Is there like a secret door?

It kind of is.

Yeah, it's hidden.

It's hidden.

That's fucked up.

It's fucked up.

Yeah.

Normally, what you just hang out upstairs in that kind of like landing area.

Yeah.

The landing, right?

But it's, no, there's a secret room.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You'll get in one day.

Joe's one of my best friends.

He's one of my like sweetest comedy mates.

I love him.

He's one of the funniest people I know.

And he has a special out right now.

I never promised you a rose garden.

It's fantastic.

Please go watch it.

Bobby loved it.

Bobby watched it this week.

Oh, really?

I have a Blu-ray.

He's got it on Blu-ray.

Did you really watch it or no?

I've never seen anything special.

All right, yeah.

He's never seen anyone special.

He's never seen anybody else go up.

I've never seen this podcast.

I've never seen anything.

Yeah, I don't watch anybody's special.

I don't read comedy.

I don't just do nothing.

I just do it and I go home.

Yeah, that's what I do.

It's true.

Yeah.

Thank you for that.

I'm very proud of you.

It's special.

It's so good.

I already know it's good.

Yeah, that's a great way to deflect.

That is funny.

Oh, really?

Fuck famous.

How about this, Joe?

Joe, it's good.

How about this?

I'm giving you.

How about this, Joe?

Right?

Go ahead.

You texted me, right?

Yep.

Guess who texted me right back?

Who?

Right.

And guess what you asked for?

What?

Oh,

would you post my special?

And would you mind?

And what did I do immediately?

You posted it.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So what's the ungratitude about?

It's not ungratitude.

What's the hostility about?

I was literally complimenting you that

I don't need to see it.

I know you're great, is an awesome deflection that I'm going to use.

to get out of so many things.

I mean, you might as well.

I'm dead serious.

Yeah.

Do you know how many many fucking people we know that have a goddamn TV show, by special, by this, by that?

Yeah.

I always go, oh, yeah, dude.

Nice.

Yeah.

Meaning, I watched four minutes of it.

Right.

Just in case they asked me anything.

It's already good.

I know it.

That's why I don't even go to my friends who are director of screenings.

I don't watch it.

Yeah, but that gives you anxiety.

You hate it.

I'm just in the, I just go in and out.

It's always not good.

I don't watch.

That stuff makes me nervous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like watching a thing.

Because you have to lie.

It's a masterpiece.

Wow.

What did you make?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't watch it.

I don't watch anything I'm in.

No, that's

disgusting.

This was torture because I directed it, so I had to sit there.

I had to sit there.

Going through the

ball.

I was proud to have done it, but it was, that's tough.

Yeah.

I hate it.

It's so much easier to be like, can you guys just show me a cut?

Yeah, just do it for me.

That's good.

Who said that?

Who told us that?

Swartzen?

Yeah, I don't know.

Someone was like, I never have seen any of this.

I tape it and then they put it together.

Do you have fun here or no?

In L.A.

or on the pod?

This pod.

I had a great time.

I was actually kind of sad when it was done.

I was having a nice time.

I'm dead serious.

We don't do Rogan hours.

We do Bad Friends Hours.

Yeah, I had a great time.

We really should try to do a Rogan marathon type of show once.

Just you and I.

Well, we should start at like 10 p.m.

and see how late into the morning we can go.

Oh, that'd be fun.

Wouldn't that be just fun?

We have guests coming in.

Like a lock-in.

Yeah, people can pop by if they want.

Yeah, you should.

A marathon.

You should sometimes guys will do 24-hour

that's fucking no way, Keith and the girl would do that once a year for I think a charity thing.

Yeah, I'll do it for a charity thing, but it was so fun, dude.

I would literally

hit them up at 3 a.m.

and I'd be like, hey, guys, just got back from the bar.

Like, can I hop on there?

Come on, dude.

Yeah, and I would go on through Zoom and just sit there with them smoking six to

six in the morning.

It was so fun.

No, okay.

There's a way

because it's hard enough because we talk so much.

That's fine, no, just let me fuck me talk.

You know,

we talk a lot, we talk a lot,

and sometimes it's like enough, enough talking, yeah, get the living, yeah, yeah, I get it, yeah, I get it, I get it, all right.

Sign up, Joe.

Look in the look there, thank you guys for having me.

That's not it, oh, sorry, thank you for being a bad friend, thank you for being a bad friend.