Rudy Is Single

Speaker 1 By the time I hit my 50s, I'd learned a few things, like how family is precious. Work can always wait.
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New customers can use code BAD Friends for 15% off plus a free gift. Yay!

Speaker 2 Ciao, I'm in Italy, but this week I will be in Edmonton and Winnipeg, Canada. Come see me, Edmonton and Winnipeg.
Go to AndrewSantino.com.

Speaker 2 Mutopiano. Hello.
Hello, hello. Hello, mate.
You're right, mate. I'm all right, mate.
We're going to be coming to London and Dublin July 18th and 19th.

Speaker 2 These are the only two shows we're doing in 2025 together. Yeah.
International Boys, we're done. If you're living in Scotland, go to London.

Speaker 2 If you're living in somewhere else, go to Ireland, you know? Right, it's easy. If you're living in Scotland, go to England.

Speaker 2 And if you're living in

Speaker 2 Norway, please fly to Dublin. Yeah, yeah, or Poland.
And Poland. If you're living in Poland, you probably got to come to our Polish show.
We're doing one Polish sausage show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 We're not. July 18th and 19th, London and Dublin.
Go to badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, she returns. She has risen.
It's Rudy Jules.

Speaker 2 She's been away from the show for too long. She's been doing a lot of tiger belly, a lot of bellied tiger, a lot of trash Tuesday.

Speaker 2 I have an intro that I prepare herself. Oh, sorry about that.

Speaker 2 Can I? Yeah, please. It's going to take a couple of minutes.
Yeah, do it.

Speaker 2 Hello, my weary travelers. My boat crashed along a seashore, and I ran into a fair, the Renaissance fair, and I saw many things.
Chalices being made, chain mails. And I also saw

Speaker 2 one school shooter.

Speaker 2 I saw

Speaker 2 a man walking a pickle. Wow.
Yes.

Speaker 2 And I have found my people. And I have some gifts for you all, if I may.

Speaker 2 If I may. Did you really? Yes.

Speaker 2 Honestly?

Speaker 2 Will you play the bird again? Yeah, yeah. That's beautiful.

Speaker 2 For Jules. I'm not kidding.
I love that thing. Yeah, Jules.
I bought you a mistake. It's a wand? It's a wand.
Yeah, that's what they call it.

Speaker 2 Come grab it.

Speaker 2 Play the bird. Play the bird.
Play the bird, bud. Okay, sorry.

Speaker 2 There's not enough water. I gotta put some more water in there.
Very good. Okay, very good.
Yeah, put some water.

Speaker 2 Needs water.

Speaker 2 Oh, king. What is that? King, I got you Voldemort's wand.
God press.

Speaker 2 Oh, Oh!

Speaker 2 Blow the bird. Okay.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Here? Thank you.

Speaker 2 And then.

Speaker 2 Dude.

Speaker 2 For my friend Carlos. Oh.
Come, please.

Speaker 2 Blow the bird, please. Blow for one, Jen.

Speaker 2 Do do.

Speaker 2 Here's a one for you, my friend. Wow.
Here you go. All right.
Don't much.

Speaker 2 Do not jam it in your ass. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Happy birthday, Carlos. Stop it.

Speaker 2 McCullen, please come.

Speaker 2 I gave you a black bird charmer.

Speaker 2 Here you go, my friend. Cool.

Speaker 2 Andreas, Andreas, Andreas. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What do you say, you idiot? Yeah, yeah, you bow or something.

Speaker 2 Andreas, come here, I have a gift for you, too. Thank you.
I have a gift for you, too, Andreas. This is the biggest one.

Speaker 2 Right. This is a ceramic penis.

Speaker 2 Bibbity bobbity boot. Yeah, yeah.
Booty boot boot. And

Speaker 2 that is it. I had a joyous day.
Bob. Yeah.
Thank you so much. And then you just got drunk all day, huh? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah? Smash. Yeah.
How'd you get here? Uber. Oh, good.
Uber.

Speaker 2 Uber, my friend. Urban.
Yeah, yeah. Can I tell you something? Yeah, this means more than I think you know to me.
Why does it me? Why does it? Well, because you don't buy any stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is special. That was one of the most expensive ones there.
How much?

Speaker 2 $50.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so we saw on Instagram Bobby went to the Renaissance Fair.
First time ever. Yes.
First time, last time, first time, first time. I'm going next Sunday.
You are?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and Jules is going to come. Are you really going? Yeah.
You excited? I want to go.

Speaker 3 Are there elves?

Speaker 2 Oh my God, there's elves, there's orcs.

Speaker 2 There's everything that you can desire. Well, explain to us.
It looks really cool. What? Shut up, Fancy.
Shut up. Honestly, shut up.
That was me. Phony.
At the fair today.

Speaker 2 You're at the fair with your friend Brittany. Yes.
And so I'm proud that you dressed up. Well, you can rent.
See, that's where I made the mistake. You rented? I came like this.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I went to the store and I rented that vest. It's a good looking vest.
And I was just jamming out here in front of this. Yeah, it was.

Speaker 2 I'm telling you, dude, that was

Speaker 2 a song. You loved it.
I saw jousting. I saw a couple of plays.
Wow. Yeah, yeah.
It was a very enjoyable thing. So you'll go back.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go back next Sunday, yeah, with Jules and Dumbfounded and Gene and also Andrea Jin. Look at that.
You look good. And

Speaker 2 we're going to dress as, and I'm going to get you to dress as peasants.

Speaker 2 But Asian peasants. So my fantasy is this.
Wait, that's not Asian peasants? Whatever you did before? No, that wasn't Asian Peasants. Who's that? Who's that woman? That's Brittany, the girl I was with.

Speaker 2 Carlos, stop creeping. Yeah, stop creeping.
Carlos, stop creeping, dude.

Speaker 2 Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Okay.
Dude, do, do, do, do, do. No, I'm going to drug.
I'll the bird.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 You want to communicate? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 Dude. Okay.
That's a connection that we'll always experience for the rest of our lives.

Speaker 2 So what I'm going to say to you is that we're dressed as, you know what I mean, Japanese rice farmers from the 17th century. And our little canoe got lost.

Speaker 2 And we ended up in the shores of this English countryside. Yeah.
And we end up at Renaissance Fairy. We'll have samurai swords.
And I'm going to wear the little rice patty hats.

Speaker 2 And we're going to get you like a dress. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
Well, unless you want to, unless you want to dress, how would you like to dress? Like the elves.

Speaker 2 Okay. Kind of dress like the Philippines.
The Philippines don't have drought. Well,

Speaker 2 elves, I mean.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, little elves. Yeah, those are called crickets.

Speaker 2 Those are Filipino crickets, dude. They're not elves.
What does this say in your sweater? Oh, is that a Filipino cricket or elf? Piglet.

Speaker 2 Piglet. That's a piglet? What's been going on with you, Jules?

Speaker 3 Do you always get drunk on Easter? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. For Jesus.
Yeah? Nice try, Jews. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. This is the Andrew I like.
We got you, Jesus. So did you go egg hunting?

Speaker 2 Oh, yes. Yeah, you did.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was in those little eggs, huh? A little bit of money.
Really? Chocolate. Yeah, you.
Money. And your buddies, huh? Charlie Day, Jason Bateman.
Why did you bring this?

Speaker 2 We bring these names that aren't relevant.

Speaker 2 Love Bird.

Speaker 2 Hollywood. And so, how do you? So who did I go egg hunting with? I have no idea.
Your fancy friends. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Allison Janney.
Yeah, of course. Bradley Woodford.
The whole cast of Western.

Speaker 2 Bradley Cooper. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bradley Cooper. No, Bradley Woodford.

Speaker 2 And John Hamm. John Hamm and I had lunch together.
Are you being real? No, fuckhead. Do you know John? No.

Speaker 2 I met him once. You do? Yeah, one time I met him.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Timeout.
Yeah. Let's be honest.
Yeah, yeah. Are you still mad at Carlos or no?

Speaker 2 Because I feel like there was a lot of tension from last week. Yeah, but he's still there.
I'm a forgiving man, and I bought him. You really are.

Speaker 2 It was really hard to buy him a wand. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I pondered over it for like an hour looking at it. Be honest.
Yeah, two hours. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I went, you know what?

Speaker 2 He deserves a wand. He does.
Yes.

Speaker 2 So, you know, when

Speaker 2 Volemart or the Jews attack.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Good boy.

Speaker 2 Maybe I regret getting that from McConnell. But

Speaker 2 yeah, he's going hog wild with it. But it is a beautiful thing.
If you ever.

Speaker 2 Would you ever go? No.

Speaker 3 You should should go with us to anyone.

Speaker 2 Shout out. Yeah.
Why wouldn't you go, though? It's so... I laughed the whole time.
Okay, how about this? Yeah. Will you come to an NBA game? Yeah.
No, you won't. I will.
You won't.

Speaker 2 If you get me tickets. Would you come to

Speaker 2 a Dodger game? Will you sit in a Dodger game? I'll go.

Speaker 2 I'll go with you. No, you won't.
Yes, if you... You know you won't.
I've offered you before. I'll sign a contract going, I will go if you go to a run-on-sans fair.
Carlos, can I get some help?

Speaker 2 For real. I've offered you to come to.
You don't want to come. You've never offered me.
Have you ever heard of me? That's not true. Have you ever heard him offer me? Yes.
Thank you, Andreas. Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he has for the Lakers. Yes, I have.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You won't go to a Lakers.
I love it. If I'm sitting next to fucking Jack Nicholson, I'll do it.
He's dead.

Speaker 2 No, but seriously, you won't come to an NBA game. I will go.
That's what it is. That's an NBA game.
Look at the women. That's your NBA.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I laughed so hard. Like, you know, there was a plan.
I can't get into it. It's because it's getting in trouble.
No, come on. Please.
Well, years ago, I was on a game show, and

Speaker 2 it was with Rob Gronkowski on that game show called Game On. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Right. And there was like.
It was terrible. It was terrible.

Speaker 2 Anyway. Bad TV.
So I did a joke, and happy Easter. The producers came up to me and they go, we have to cut that out.
I go, why? What did you say? He goes, it was racist. What did you say?

Speaker 2 I said, there was a thing about Renaissance fairs. And what's one thing about the Renaissance fair? And I go, there's no black people.

Speaker 2 And then they came up to me and got cut. You can't say that.
Literal fact. When I went there, I saw three.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. Yeah, but those, but these three, though, special kind.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Oh, wait, wait.
Look who we see. On the fourth picture in, look who we see.
My boy, my dog. Yeah, it's my dog, dude.
James. Did you finish it? Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Stop.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I, it's the fire bothering you.
Dude, I love it. I have to not stop.
I love stop. You can't do that.
I just did it. I know, but you can't do it.
It was great. Yes.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 I'll do it. Is the fire bothering you? Mom.
Huh? Dad. This guy is so fucking James.
Dude, he's the biggest dick.

Speaker 2 What? He's the coolest guy.

Speaker 2 I'm the coolest guy. I'm the coolest guy.
I'm so sorry. James.
I just imagine. James is the man.
But is he better than Connor? Connor and James are head-to-head. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 For me, they're head-to-head. Yeah.
Now, here's Connor, ready? Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's coming. Oh,

Speaker 2 dude, I love that he pauses. Did you see the last episode?

Speaker 2 Did you? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Were you mad at me?

Speaker 2 No, because it was still hot. What a beautiful.
You know what? Hot makeup. Now we can talk about it.
Now you can. Well, for the fans, it's too late now.
You had to watch.

Speaker 2 Georgie,

Speaker 2 when I kiss somebody, yeah, I want to be like them. Yeah.
Where it's like they want you to be like the magic. Yeah.
You know what I mean? The magic, the spark, you know?

Speaker 2 And that's what I'm waiting for. Well, Abby has been making up.
Remember, do you remember? We ran into Abby at the airport. Remember that? That was so funny.
We were going to Boston.

Speaker 2 Where are we going? Boston? We were going somewhere in the Abby and his. Do you guys remember this? Who was with us? No, Abby and her mom was there.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, I don't know, I think I started the conversation with them first. There she is.
There's Abby. And she was so sweet.
The what? Wood.

Speaker 2 Wood? Would. I would.
Abby. Carlos.
Carlos. Carlos.
I do.

Speaker 2 By the way, when he says something perverse, we always go,

Speaker 2 it's really low. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's the shit. Carlos,

Speaker 2 Carlos.

Speaker 2 What would you do first, Carlos?

Speaker 4 Put on a Disney Plus.

Speaker 2 That's good. Smart.
That's good. Smart.
Right?

Speaker 2 You know what I do? Get her some dolphin stickers. Love.
Put some around the room. Love.
And she'll go, yay, or whatever. You know what I mean? And then what else?

Speaker 2 That's good.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jules? Jules? Did you watch that show? No.
You don't see Love on the Spectrum? You don't watch that? No. What are you watching right now? White Lotus?

Speaker 2 No, she didn't watch that. The Last of Us.
Is there Love on the Spectrum in the Philippines? Imagine that.

Speaker 3 Well, I see.

Speaker 2 Yeah. They're drowning in the Love.

Speaker 2 You want to climb this tree?

Speaker 2 You want to climb this tree?

Speaker 2 I'm kidding.

Speaker 2 So, I don't like Last of Us because of the mushroom zombies.

Speaker 3 But that's the most realistic thing.

Speaker 2 Mushroom zombies?

Speaker 3 Cordyceps. They do that.

Speaker 2 That is the most real. Well, I do have an itchy foot.
Is that from that?

Speaker 2 You are my zombie. I have fungi.

Speaker 2 You're my mushroom zombie. Yeah, yeah.
I got rid of my fungi through the machines. By the way, you're not on TikTok.
Double piercing is.

Speaker 2 That's right. It's looking good.

Speaker 2 Good for you, dude. Are you okay? Yeah,

Speaker 2 I just think you're not part of us anymore. You left us.
Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 2 give us what you miss about her. Well, here's the deal: I love Jules.
We started the show with Jules, and then every time I see her, I'm like, oh, she's not ours anymore. What do you mean?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Don't play dumb with me, pal. Did she?

Speaker 2 You disappeared. You became a star on other shows.
Am I wrong? Am I wrong? I live with her. I don't.
Am I wrong? Yeah, I'm not. You're not wrong.
You don't even take care of his house well.

Speaker 2 She abandons the dog sometimes, no? You're famous. No, I don't.
Today, you walked him at noon, it's six o'clock, and now you're coming home. That's fine.
Where were you? Where were you?

Speaker 3 Hanging out with friends.

Speaker 2 No, don't. No, dude.
Where were you? Hanging out with friends. You were old friends.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 You have no friends.

Speaker 2 Dude, thank you. I went to the beach.
You went to 15 milk tea shops.

Speaker 2 That's what you did. Yeah, you do something weird like that, and the dogs need to get walked.
And why And they cry at night. But they're not being walked.
Because of you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because you're negligent.

Speaker 3 Sometimes.

Speaker 2 Wow. My God.
What a mess, huh? Did you ask for the jar head at the fucking hair plant place? I did. Yeah, yeah.
It's a weird.

Speaker 2 Can I get the jar head from, you know? Wade.

Speaker 2 Full metal jacket.

Speaker 2 I want the haircut from full metal jacket.

Speaker 2 Fans. Yeah, fans.
What is that? He doesn't look good.

Speaker 2 You have to wait. You have to wait.
Okay. That's you.
That's you, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. What are you doing? I don't know what I've been told.

Speaker 2 That's you, dude. My God.

Speaker 2 And are you mad that your people aren't in the new Star Wars? Yeah, what the

Speaker 2 crazy. What do you mean? They just put porgs in there.
Yeah, porgy, porgy, porgy.

Speaker 2 And with the militant, they could be militant porgs, right? With guns. Height, hike, fuck.
Chewbacca can't eat us.

Speaker 2 Right? That's you, dude. You look good, fam.
Yeah, you look great.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Let's go back to the victim.
Can you, when you look at your penis, is it translucent? It seems like it is.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 You know what's rude? Put it in your pocket. Don't put it there.
Pervert. Yeah.
You're going to take your wand home, right? Jules, what's been going on with Jules?

Speaker 2 Well, you keep asking that, dude. Because she's not around anymore.
I know. She left us.
Guys.

Speaker 3 I didn't leave you guys.

Speaker 2 Did she leave us? She's graduating. No, no, look at the booth.
Did she leave us? Yeah,

Speaker 2 thank you. She's She's graduating from college in two months, right? Yeah.
Isn't that crazy? She started this show when she was in high school. High school.
I know. Senior in high school.
I know.

Speaker 3 But I didn't leave you guys.

Speaker 2 Yes, you did. Don't, don't, don't, don't.

Speaker 3 I didn't. Trash Tuesday and Tiger Belly.
Ask me. Not you guys.

Speaker 2 Fans at home. Did she leave us?

Speaker 2 Comment down below. Yeah, comment down below.
You know you did.

Speaker 2 Who gave you the most fun opportunities? That's funny. And she doesn't take them.
No, yeah. Come down to Long Beach.
Doesn't get appreciated. I don't want to.
I don't want to.

Speaker 2 I don't want to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's fine. And now you're single.
She's a hot shot. She's got money.
Does whatever she wants. Single.

Speaker 2 You know what's so funny about you, too?

Speaker 2 You claim you don't have a lot of money, but there's a lot of Amazon packages for you. A lot.

Speaker 3 Because I need underwear.

Speaker 2 No, that's not.

Speaker 2 Nobody's ordered underwear. And hangers.

Speaker 2 I need underwear and hangers.

Speaker 2 See, people like you. People are like ungrateful.
Ungrateful.

Speaker 2 Ungrateful people.

Speaker 2 What has has tito baby done for you exactly everything and here you are ordering underwear off of amazon

Speaker 2 disgusting

Speaker 2 heavy metal fucking

Speaker 2 what have you done

Speaker 2 i don't know i don't know what have you done for me move away that's what can i tell you something what fuck you when you posted that photo of you at the renaissance fair yeah i literally said i go he looks happier than I've seen him in years.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, I'm serious.
Put up the photo. I'm not kidding.
I saw that photo today. Which one? With me and Britt or just me dancing? You and Britt, dude.
I was like, you guys, you look so stoked.

Speaker 2 You know why? He's my friend.

Speaker 2 I know, dude, but I'm just saying, you know why. Why? So pretty.
That's you, Britt, very, very pretty. You know why? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because you're having fun. I can tell right there, you're goofing.
You're having fun. And you're goofing.
And I said, oh, man, he's goofing. He's having a good time.

Speaker 2 And I guarantee you, you got recognized a lot and you were jamming and having a good day. Well, I'll be honest with you.

Speaker 2 I had two fairies. Am I right? I had two fairies, two executioners.
Who'd you get recognized? The king. A king recognized you.

Speaker 2 Another one. This was a funny one, dude.
A man. So he was holding something on a leash.

Speaker 2 And there was like a man with no shirt on, black leather pants. I don't know what he was.
He was holding something on the leash. And I go,

Speaker 2 and I followed the leash down. And there was another man

Speaker 2 as like a dog or something. Sure.
Just crawling on the ground like that. Sure.
Yeah, so you have that too. What do you mean? That's just, what do you mean?

Speaker 2 And the dog, the dog human recognition, you're like, Matt Frank.

Speaker 2 My friend. I'm not Mel Frank.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so that was nice. That's a real thing there, by the way.
You do see people on leashes, huh? There's a lot of weird things there. A lot of trans, which I support.

Speaker 2 I do. I know, but.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And it's a couple of times like, Milady? And he goes, He lady.

Speaker 2 miss her yeah miss her miss her yeah yeah yeah yeah so you know that was one of those situations that's okay yeah yeah it's okay you're you're gathering i was gathering information you're gathering information as you go it's a long walk it's a lot of walking what orange county where was this it's in pasadena gotta be it was long but it's just it just goes on forever and it's like i i eat crepes

Speaker 2 yeah okay you like sweet or savory crepes

Speaker 3 sweet

Speaker 2 nutella yeah love with strawberry you like pinkberry or yogurt land?

Speaker 2 I hate pinkberry so much, it's unbelievable.

Speaker 2 It's a fake place. No, it's not.
It's dog shit. Give me ice cream.

Speaker 2 Frozen yogurt is a lie. Am I right, guys? It's a lie.
It's not a lie. It's a lie.

Speaker 2 Tell me this. Pinkberry can't compete with Salt and Straw, McConnell's, Van Leeuwen.
It doesn't even come close. It's a cleaner taste, though.
But it doesn't satisfy you. It does.
No, it doesn't.

Speaker 2 With a chocolate malt crunch? The fuck it it does. Dude, chocolate malt.
Ice cream is better than frozen yogurt every day of the week. Everyone knows.
Ice cream.

Speaker 2 Dude,

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You know that. I know.
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Speaker 2 And by the way, I got scammed on one of these money transfer things. I'm not going to tell you which one.
But somebody was using my money to rent boats in Florida and go fishing. That was me, dude.

Speaker 2 That was you?

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. Really good yellow fish.
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Pickberry is dog sales. You're lactose.
Huh? Are you lactose? No, I'm Christian. Yeah, yeah, okay.
I'm lactose. I know.
But I'm converting to Christian.

Speaker 2 You're the first Korean Jew that I've ever met. I know, dude.
My tomi hoo cho.

Speaker 2 No, dude.

Speaker 2 You can't have ice cream. I know.
But when we go out, no, you have. You just take a lactate or something.
I like a lactate. I like a lactose.
I like a lactate. Can you have lactose?

Speaker 3 I don't, but I still eat it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Your stomach gets upset? Man.
What it's like to be Jewish in South Korea. Let's zoom in.
I'm shocked. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They are there.

Speaker 2 Wow. Not one of those people of South Korean.

Speaker 2 Look at the one in the hat right there. That's like a Korean Jew.
Right there, a Korean Jewish. Korean Jick.
I can't wait to leave. Yeah.
Look at your little wand, by the way. Do you like your wand?

Speaker 3 It's so nice.

Speaker 2 What are you texting? Nothing. You're on your shit.
Here's the deal about Bob: when he falls in love with somebody or falls in crush, whatever, he's on his phone the whole time. That's crazy.

Speaker 3 You have another crush?

Speaker 2 Hard.

Speaker 2 Hard.

Speaker 2 You love, you like this person a lot.

Speaker 2 No, let me do my own. Sorry.

Speaker 2 Dating addiction.

Speaker 2 Maybe cut that out. Carlos thinks you have.

Speaker 2 That felt weird. It didn't hit.
Carlos thinks you have a dating addiction.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, I've been looking up limerence.

Speaker 2 Limericks from Ireland? No, Limerance. Hello, I will love you so very much.
What is it? Limerence is an infatuation with somebody that's bordering on unhealthy. Do you think that's what you have?

Speaker 2 I don't know. So I'm being mindful about how I behave.
You know,

Speaker 2 why can't I deserve love?

Speaker 2 That's what we're saying. No, we're not saying.
No, we're literally saying, I want you to be happy. Am I wrong? I think you're a sabotager.
Why? I don't know, man. How?

Speaker 2 Would you ever hook me up with a friend of yours? Yeah. And can I tell you something?

Speaker 2 Every time you date someone or start talking to someone, I do something. What do you think I do? A prayer.
And I'm going to say this to the fans right now. What do you think I really do? A prayer.
No.

Speaker 2 What do you do? Every time you date somebody, I look into their profile.

Speaker 2 And what's the first thing you think I do, Carlos? What do you think I do with their profile? Let me guess. You jerk off.
Uh-uh. Carlos, what do you think I do?

Speaker 4 I think you look at the stories.

Speaker 2 I see if you look at the stories. I see if they go ahead, McCone.
If she's following a bunch of other comics. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 Thank you, McCone. Okay.

Speaker 2 I go, how many people comics is she following? And then I also see, has she

Speaker 2 DM'd

Speaker 2 anyone we know?

Speaker 2 And the current woman that you're having a good time with

Speaker 2 Goose Egg.

Speaker 2 That means she's a good one. Am I wrong? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's not following a lot of comics. Yeah.
And she hasn't been DMing comics. Yeah.
That means she's legit. She likes.
Not a chuckle fucker.

Speaker 2 Well, no, she likes Bobby Lee. Instead of liking the world of Bobby Lee, she likes Bobby Lee.
And that to me, as Booth knows, is the most important.

Speaker 2 Have I not supported you seriously?

Speaker 2 Enough of that. I think people are going to drive.
It's going to drive people crazy.

Speaker 2 No, but am I being serious? Yes. When I see she's following other comics, blah, blah.
And let me tell you something. I looked into golf.

Speaker 2 And when I see a golf ball right, I look at it differently because of you. What do you do?

Speaker 2 Sorry. That's what happens.
It never arrives sooner.

Speaker 2 He drifts away from me. Here, I'll get it.
I got a kid that'll get it. Yeah, yeah.
Good girl. Oh, my God.
Oh, my nerves. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Dude. King dork.
And don't get offended by this, if I may. Go ahead.
Right? But

Speaker 2 the texture of the ball is kind of like your face.

Speaker 2 Go on.

Speaker 2 Go on. Well, I think you were younger, maybe you had some acne.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah. So I'm feeling those craters.
Oh, you feel that? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, but the center, there's a mass in there. You know what I mean? And that's the brain.
That's my brain. Yeah, and that's the brain.
And And your brain is full, filled. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, with knowledge. Thank you.

Speaker 2 But this texture of the skin, though, is what I want to go back. Is it bad?

Speaker 2 Not my favorite. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So anyway, here you go.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'll take that hit.
Yeah, yeah. What do I remind you of? An ugly old 52-year-old man who's single and sad.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 was fast that was fast and furious part six i'll tell you that

Speaker 2 wow yeah yeah anyway you're the prettiest guy you're pretty and who supports you more than me not these fucking clowns yeah shut up i mean now that you're single what are you gonna do loser eat pussy

Speaker 2 yeah yeah yeah dude are you on to girls are you on to girls I don't know, but I'll try. That's the thing about, that's the thing about love on the spectrum.

Speaker 2 The autistic kids, they when they're like I don't know if I like guys

Speaker 2 they go right to uh

Speaker 2 buy curious

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 buy them autistic yes yeah but the two girls in there got together yeah yeah in their love I'm saying Parry yeah she likes trains Parry yeah yeah yeah I love her I love her so what are you you're interested in chicks or no yeah anything no you're open

Speaker 2 but do you you're leaning towards girls now

Speaker 3 uh No, just both.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 But I want to try BBC too.

Speaker 2 Huh?

Speaker 2 What? What? What? What? What? Big Black Cock? Yeah. No, no.
No, no. Yes.
Well, attention, all BBCs.

Speaker 2 There it is. That's yours.
Wow. Send in your...

Speaker 2 Don't send in your penis. That's disgusting.
That's disgusting.

Speaker 2 Send in your

Speaker 2 video. No.
No, no, because they'll do penis.

Speaker 3 Like measurements.

Speaker 2 No, but no.

Speaker 2 No, your credit rating. Yes.

Speaker 2 Your credit rating. Send them what kind of car you drive.
You drive a challenger or a charger at carlosinthebooth at gmail.com.

Speaker 2 Let's see if you can get some chocolate love down here to Cinnamon Central. So when we're at the Renaissance Sons Fair, right, we ran into a couple of little Asian girls.

Speaker 2 They're in their 30s, but they're like smaller. Forever girls.
And we were eating and stuff like that. And then my friend goes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they're going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yum, yum.

Speaker 2 Look at that. There's Brad Williams.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Stop, dude.

Speaker 2 And then, and then they look like, you know, um, librarians or whatever, or, you know what I mean? Or they were like dental assistants. Dental assistants.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then my friend goes, oh, they're the two biggest OnlyFans. So then I immediately go, what's their OnlyFans? What do you mean? There's two little people?

Speaker 2 No, they're not dwarves, just smaller Asians that look cute and look like engineers. And they're famous OnlyFans.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so then I frantically, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 They're in Forecast. I was trying to get their OnlyFans put on.
Where are they? What's their name? Right? I'm not going to say, but my point is that. Please.
And ooh la la. It was nice, nice, nice.

Speaker 2 You never can tell. You never can tell.
That's my thing. Are you going to do apps now? You never did the apps.

Speaker 2 Like Tinder? Oh, like, nah. Hinge, Tinder, Raya.
Try it. Raya is yours, right? That's what you're on.
Yeah. You can get it probably right, but I don't like the guys on Roya.

Speaker 2 To go get on, you know, because fan assistants. Does your generation not do the apps?

Speaker 3 They do, but like, all the guys there just want to fuck.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think you're asexual. Is that what it is? No, but I mean, like, isn't that what all the apps are? Am I crazy? Yeah.
Yeah. Fancy.
That's why I don't want to

Speaker 2 care. Fancy, you don't know.
She's looking for love. Yeah.
You were never on the apps, right? You met your wife in where? At a bar. What bar? The Dodgers bar.
The Dodgers Bar?

Speaker 2 Do you mean the shortstop? Yep. Are you fucking kidding me? No.
You met your wife at the shortstop on sunset uh-huh

Speaker 2 when you go in for

Speaker 2 shut up yeah honestly

Speaker 2 you're the one that's drunk i know yeah and you know you know i'm i'm drunk on easter and let me tell you something

Speaker 2 i'm hurt oh let's hear it can i be honest yeah i'm hurt tell us your hurt pain

Speaker 2 because jules was our oh my god she was one of the pillars of this show uh-huh and she went away and she doesn't give a a fuck about us anymore. You're a fucking asshole right now, dude.

Speaker 2 You don't care about us anymore.

Speaker 3 I do.

Speaker 2 No, you don't.

Speaker 3 I swear.

Speaker 2 No, you clean up the dog poop and you don't care.

Speaker 2 You know, your behavior last night was uncalled for. But I do.
We're doing a show at the ice house. Usually we switch, but you told me to close.
And then you're like, oh, I know.

Speaker 2 Everybody wants the king to close. Am I right? Yeah.
And then he goes, oh, I have nothing. And then he goes up there and he destroys.
No. With crowd work.
No. And I got buried both shots.

Speaker 2 I was rife in it. Yeah.
There's Matt rifing it. Yeah.
My guy, Dr. Drew came.
Dr. Drew came and saw us.
He diagnosed us. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He gave us a breakdown. This motherfucker can diagnose you live.
Yeah. He's a good guy, though.
I got to tell you, Bob is ready to film. I'm not ready to film.
Yes, you are. Bobby's hour is so funny.

Speaker 2 And I've seen it. For two years, we were on the road.
Okay. And now he's been doing his thing.
And I'm not kidding.

Speaker 2 You're so ready. It's crazy.
It's so funny. It's funny to watch someone do it.
No, I'm not kidding. I'm still not done, man.
No, he's. Yeah, I need another 20 and I'm good.
He's ready to rock.

Speaker 2 Another 20.

Speaker 2 But it's going to be. And we were there with Kevin Nealon last night.
Nealon, one of the greatest of all time. Yeah.
Who's so

Speaker 2 passively? He's a liar. What did he do? He goes, hey, Kevin, did you go up? Well, he goes, yeah, I did.
But he didn't. Yeah, not yet.

Speaker 2 You can't get anything truthful from him. I know.
Yeah, yeah. Would you bring a date to the ice house? Because you bring dates to the store.
I think it's

Speaker 2 home territory. i used it though this new that's a that's a this new ice house yeah i hated at first why

Speaker 2 i think they treated me poorly really yeah and then i complained about it on i think this podcast yeah and then johnny bus called me

Speaker 2 and said dude he goes give us another chance you did and they switched it up and they make they treat all of us better now 100 yeah yeah yeah and now it's nice to go you feel better when you go down there i like the rooms i love them yeah i will say i miss the old ice house house for people that don't know.

Speaker 2 It was all Mexican. Yeah, give it to me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I love Mexicans.

Speaker 2 I love Mexicans, and it was more Mexican. It's still some, but

Speaker 2 I liked when it was all Mexican. Yeah, I love Mexicans.
Yeah, they're just great people. They're just, I don't know, it's different now.
Am I wrong? Please, come on. Yeah, Mexicans.

Speaker 2 No, no, but the rooms.

Speaker 2 Oh, you don't like Mexicans? I love them.

Speaker 2 I don't know. No, No, no, seriously, you don't like them? I love them.
Why? Yeah. Just a couple of Mexicans did, they had very yellow teeth, but that was just an observation.

Speaker 2 Really? Because next to the Renaissance Fair is a park, and it's Easter, right?

Speaker 2 So you got a guy, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Wearing like a, he's got a mini moped, and he's got like a Spider-Man hat on. Oh, yeah.
Hey, puto, get out of the way. You know what I mean? That kind of thing.
You know what I mean? Vovar puto.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's all those, you want to go, you go from the Renaissance fair to like, you know, people, you know, with real knives.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? And like,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? It was like a completely different. If there was a war, they would win.
Oh, sure. Between the Renaissance fair.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They would totally win.

Speaker 2 But, you know, yeah, it's good. I love it.
Where was the Renaissance fair? In Pasadena.

Speaker 2 But by the bowl or something? No, it's like far. It was a little farther than Pasadena, actually.

Speaker 2 Where is that?

Speaker 2 No, Carlos.

Speaker 2 It's that. That whole green thing? Irwindale.
See that whole green thing right there? Way past. Can you zoom in? Buddy, that's so far.
Where the lake is. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's exactly because the lake is. It's not Pasadena, dude.
Zoom out. That's fucking...
What is that called? It's by a zoom. Irwindale.
That's so far away. It's pretty far, yeah.
It's Pasadena.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Pasadena is 20 miles west. So

Speaker 2 were you well received? What do you mean, dude? Were people excited to see Bobby Lee at the Renaissance Fair?

Speaker 2 You know, dude. It's funny.
On the phone, please. When I was with with my group, no one really said anything, but

Speaker 2 I did voyages on my own, and that's when it started to happen. So do you broke, you broke off from the group? I had to break up from the group to do my little shopping.

Speaker 2 Do you have to talk to people about it? Do they have to say, let's, before we dismantle, we must organize?

Speaker 2 It feels like they're plotting for war every time, though. No, yeah.
No, they go, we'll go with the, you know, the mini cows are. Meet us back there.
Mini cows. There's a petting zoo.
Calves?

Speaker 2 Little calves, yeah. Really? Did you pet? I sure did.
You did?

Speaker 3 Are there games?

Speaker 2 Yeah, so it says axe throwing, spear throwing,

Speaker 2 bow and arrow, right? You know what I mean? I didn't do any of those activities.

Speaker 2 You didn't want to try one of them? No, no, no, no. There was some of my group dude the spears, and they were just so bad.
Your group. And I was ripping on them.
I go, oh, my God. What do you have?

Speaker 2 Carpal tunnel. I was just like making fun of them.
If you could do one, what would you do?

Speaker 2 Bow and arrow, I think. Because Koreans are good at that.
Are they? You win the golden. The guy, the guy from the Olympics.
And women. Really? Yeah.
We win win every time in the Olympics.

Speaker 2 Let me see you pose.

Speaker 2 That's a bone arrow if I've ever seen it. No, I'm not toned.
No, it looks good. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 Togeto. Pointo.
Oh, go. Yeah, yeah.
Wow. Yeah, right.
There it is. That's the South Korean moment.
She won the gold in the Olympics, right? Amazing. What's her name? Third gold medal.

Speaker 4 Anson Juan.

Speaker 2 Anson Juan. That's our third gold medal.
Anson. Damn, dude, that's got to be so gangster.
Have you ever seen the Splash Brothers?

Speaker 2 Steph Curry. No, they're Filipino guys diving, and they're trying to qualify for something.
Oh, and they, yeah, I can't. They can't.
I've seen them. I mean, play it.
This guy's my guy.

Speaker 2 The fourth one. Yeah.
Well, it's all of them, really.

Speaker 2 Dan Emerson.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Good takeoff.

Speaker 2 Not going to make it.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. By the way.
The second guy's worse. When they pause it.

Speaker 2 Jesus. Jesus Christ.
Look at his form. Look at his form.
Look at his form.

Speaker 2 Right on his back. That's pretty good.
No high five. Why would you

Speaker 2 five? No high five. All right.

Speaker 2 If he high five, I would move my hand. All right, how about this? John David.

Speaker 2 How do you say that? He's got

Speaker 2 this guy. John David Paojo.
Try not to laugh, guys. Just thinking about his

Speaker 2 nurse gig right after this.

Speaker 2 Oh no,

Speaker 2 yes, sir.

Speaker 2 Jesus. He does this, but he lands on his feet.
It's incredible. I mean, he's like tucking in pain.
Look at his face.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 How are they so bad? How are they so bad?

Speaker 2 You surrounded by water.

Speaker 2 The Philippines are surrounded by all you have cliffs. How are they that bad? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they're bad. Look at his face, dude.
Look at that. He took a shit mid-air, dude.
Look at that.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Look at him. His head.

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Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 3 A lot of Filipinos don't know how to swim.

Speaker 2 Why? Why? Because they don't go. No, but seriously, it's an island.
It's an island. Well, some.
Islands. It's a chain of islands.
It's a chain of islands. Some Filipinos.
Support Nebraska.

Speaker 3 Some Filipinos don't want to get dark. They don't bother going to the

Speaker 2 sun.

Speaker 2 In the sun. I see.
Yeah. Okay, but did you ever use sunscreen as a kid? That was not a thing.
No. That's our thing.
That's my thing. But they won gold in weightlifting.
Oh, weightlifting. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Did they? Yeah. Female weightlifting.
And then I think with Dotarte, bought her like a mansion or something. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. So here you are, Jules.

Speaker 2 Young, single, successful, fresh out of college. What's the next move for you?

Speaker 2 Citizenship.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's him on the cart. That's incredible.

Speaker 2 We should buy that.

Speaker 2 Can we scratch all our money together to do that? Look at how sick that looks. You got the gold card.

Speaker 4 Do you really want to be a citizen here?

Speaker 2 Don't you like leaving?

Speaker 2 She wants to live here forever.

Speaker 3 I like staying here, but I don't get why it's so hard to stay here.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Best country in the world. We get it, man.
You're from Texas. Yeah, we get it.

Speaker 2 You get it, dude. What is it?

Speaker 3 Because in the Philippines, there's so many white people,

Speaker 3 white old people

Speaker 3 that just stays there for a long time. But then here, I can't stay for a long time.

Speaker 2 Right. Right.
It's unfair. It's unfair.
So the whites get to come and do whatever they want, and you can't come here and do whatever you want. Right.
Yeah. Well,

Speaker 2 what's the Philippines' main export?

Speaker 3 Coconut.

Speaker 2 Right, some other factors. The Philippines may export electronic products,

Speaker 2 particularly integrated circuits, semiconductors. Okay.
Okay, and coconut oil. Coconut oil.
Copper, nickel, gold. Yeah.
Office machine parts. That's great.
Yeah. Printers.
You want to print something?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll probably

Speaker 2 outside companies set up factories there, right? For sure. Yeah, yeah.
For sure. So what's going to happen to you now that you're single? Are you going to move back? Because you can't stay here.

Speaker 2 We don't want you here. No, I want to stay.
No. No, not with Trump.
You can't. Guys, tell her.

Speaker 2 You can't stay.

Speaker 4 You need to join OnlyFans to survive.

Speaker 2 No, shut the fuck up, man. Carlos, you're a pig.
You're a pig, dude.

Speaker 2 She's our daughter.

Speaker 3 Is there a way to prove

Speaker 3 that, like, I'm okay. I'm an okay Filipino.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, there is ways. There's a test, isn't there? Yeah, there's an okay Filipino test, and we haven't memorized.
We know you have it. Andrew and I have it memorized.
All right, go ahead.

Speaker 2 Okay, how fast can you climb a tree?

Speaker 3 Like, really fast.

Speaker 3 Like

Speaker 2 a 20-foot tree, right? A palm tree. How fast can you climb that? Go.

Speaker 3 Like, two minutes. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 There's poop right there. What do you do with it?

Speaker 3 You eat it.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 That's right. That's right.

Speaker 2 All right, right. That's good for two.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 A dwarf with two knives are attacking you, but from the sky, a lady with two knives is attacking you. What do you do?

Speaker 2 What do you do?

Speaker 3 You stab the dwarf.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 That's the right crack. Yes.

Speaker 3 And then

Speaker 3 you just say hi to the girl.

Speaker 2 Yes. That's how you do it, dude.

Speaker 2 Because she fell off a building. That's right.
She was cooking something on the 15th floor and she fell off. Okay.
Here comes someone in the village.

Speaker 2 I, Brudy, I'm your, I'm your great, great, great, great, great, aunt, and you know me. Do you remember me? I need money.
What do you do?

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's the right arrow.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 it's three in the morning. you hear a noise, you go outside, right? And you see a half Filipino man, half wolf.

Speaker 2 Right? And half chicken.

Speaker 2 So three halves? Yeah, three halves. Everybody has three halves.
Everybody has three halves, right? What do you do?

Speaker 3 You kill it and you roast it and you eat it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What else do you do? And

Speaker 2 you.

Speaker 2 You.

Speaker 2 You fuck it? You fuck. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You fuck the human part.

Speaker 2 That's very good. You eat the fucking chicken and the fucking wolf part.
Pretty easy. Very easy.
If you have a baby,

Speaker 2 it is a wolf baby.

Speaker 2 That's a wolf baby. Idiot with hair on the face.
You know, like Barnum and Bailey. Yeah, one of those.
What a circus. What? It's a circus.
What a circus. What do you do?

Speaker 3 You eat it because it's an animal?

Speaker 2 No, no, that's your kid. No, that's wrong.
Right, no.

Speaker 2 Brain mantis is.

Speaker 2 No. Propecia.

Speaker 2 What is that? You give it a hair medication, yeah, yeah. Although it makes that helps hair grow, right? Fuck, I got it wrong.
I think, yeah.

Speaker 2 So, do you want to,

Speaker 2 I'm being genuine, do you want to get back on into the dating scene or no?

Speaker 2 Not right now, you're yeah, the wounds are too fresh, yeah,

Speaker 2 but when you do get back out, you want to only date women, huh?

Speaker 3 Not only, but

Speaker 2 we're going to go to the woman. What kind of woman do you want, though? Do you want like a girly girl or like a

Speaker 2 girly girl? Girly girl, right?

Speaker 2 Like, like who's your who's your crush my crush like what female famous person is your crush girl crush is it like a girly girl so it's gotta be like is it like a margo robbie no

Speaker 3 like the girl from the last of us that plays dina who's that

Speaker 2 look that up so pretty isabella marte

Speaker 2 shut up fancy with the bullshit with the fucking accent isabella marte like she's so pretty she is but is that your style that's your type that's what you're looking for?

Speaker 3 I think so.

Speaker 2 Not white. Not white.
All right, fans. We get it.
Yeah. You have a particular fear of the white.
Yeah, what is your fear of the white?

Speaker 2 You have the fear of the white. What is it?

Speaker 3 Well, I tried white dick, and I told you guys that that was too translucent.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like.

Speaker 2 I understand.

Speaker 2 You don't want to see everything in there, right? Right. You don't see all the veins and all the inner workings.
You don't want to see how the sausage is being made.

Speaker 2 just want to see the sausage, you just want to cover it, you know.

Speaker 2 So, so now, with women, your favorite kind of woman is like that, yeah, and small, yeah, yeah, okay, all the no, let me ask you something. Are you still buzzed?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, I'm buzzing, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you tell? Yeah,

Speaker 2 happy birthday to you,

Speaker 2 happy birthday to

Speaker 2 you,

Speaker 2 happy birthday, dear Carlos,

Speaker 2 Happy birthday to

Speaker 2 you.

Speaker 2 Yay.

Speaker 2 Thanks, y'all. How old are you, Carlos? 38.
Damn. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What's in there? Is that a sweet green salad?

Speaker 5 Yeah, the basic salad.

Speaker 2 Damn, dude.

Speaker 2 That's so fucking sad.

Speaker 2 That's your cake?

Speaker 2 Oh, I mean,

Speaker 4 oh, my actual birthday was Satur. I played the Indiana Jones game and just hung out with my dog.

Speaker 2 Who texted you on your birthday? You and Bob.

Speaker 2 He did? Yes, I did. Did he? He really did.
I really did. Did anybody else?

Speaker 4 McCone called me this morning.

Speaker 2 Did Fans?

Speaker 4 Fancy didn't.

Speaker 2 Interesting, dude. Fancy texted me and said, is Carlos' birthday today? I said, it was yesterday.

Speaker 2 Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Go ahead, fuckhead. I knew it was around 4.20.
What do you mean you knew it was around? His favorite holiday.

Speaker 2 So you didn't didn't know his birthday, and then you just didn't wish him happy birthday?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow, dude. You have anything to say for yourself? Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is a crew. This is a crew.
I hit that. Disgrace it.

Speaker 4 Chetsky hit me up.

Speaker 2 Did she?

Speaker 4 She didn't.

Speaker 2 Nice try. Yeah, nice try.
All about herself. Belayed happy birthday.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck off. That doesn't count.
It doesn't count.

Speaker 2 So we're playing London. Who's going? Who didn't text you for your birthday that hurt you the most? For real? Like, who didn't acknowledge your birthday that that actually bothered you?

Speaker 2 Oh, because I find as

Speaker 2 yeah, because as we get older, right, Bob, get older. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, as we get older, what are you on Facebook?

Speaker 2 No, I'm because all the restaurants are closed. I'm hungry, so I'm ordering it to get delivered to my house.
You're waiting till now? We had all night to order food, literally all night.

Speaker 2 It's nine o'clock, it's 9:30. Yeah, but after this podcast, I'm going to go straight home.
It'll be ready for me. Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 What's your problem, dude? Continue with your fucking you're my problem, bud. No, no, bud, And that's a strong word right now, bud.
We're not at bud level.

Speaker 2 You're acting a little silly right now, dude.

Speaker 2 Carlos. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who didn't text you that bothered you the most?

Speaker 2 Probably exes.

Speaker 4 Like, my ex-wife didn't hit me up.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait.

Speaker 2 Why would your ex-wife hit you up? Yeah.

Speaker 4 Just to acknowledge it. And then the girl I dated after who had a boyfriend, she didn't hit me up either because she's engaged now.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, bud.

Speaker 4 and then the other girl also didn't.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude, outside of exes, because that women that's tough. Any girl texted you? Yeah, a couple of girls hit me up.

Speaker 2 Hanny.

Speaker 2 Hanny? Yeah, she's hot. Hanny.
Who's Hanny?

Speaker 4 Hanny from Miami.

Speaker 2 What guy, what buddy, what guy friend that you're close with didn't hit you on your birthday? It bothers you?

Speaker 4 I think the real answer is on dress, but I can't really get mad at on dress. It's this weird thing.

Speaker 2 Benji text you? I brought you pizza.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he brought me me pizza let me ask you something did benji text you benji did not was it shocking when i texted you yeah because we had just gotten in a big fight yeah last week you guys fought oh but we didn't fight for weeks

Speaker 2 it's been going on it's been going on for a while texted me what you never texted me for what for anything okay

Speaker 2 exactly

Speaker 2 i do all the time whenever i talk about

Speaker 2 whenever i call fancy yeah when he picks up i go this is a bad idea i know me too hey andrew i'm like never mind Goodbye. Also, there's things going on in the background.

Speaker 2 Like, where are you in a fucking airplane?

Speaker 2 The guy works over there.

Speaker 2 He lives in a factory. Like, what the fuck are you doing over there, dude? Yeah.

Speaker 2 He lives in a factory. Or a baby.

Speaker 2 What are you doing over there, dude? And the baby's like, do, do, do, do, do, do,

Speaker 2 do. I got to tell you, dude.
Yeah. I don't buy this bullshit.
You and the baby and the wife. That's not real.

Speaker 2 That's not real, dude. It's impossible that she likes you.
Impossible.

Speaker 2 The baby or the wife? Both.

Speaker 2 I think it's an impossibility. So, honestly, Carlos,

Speaker 2 a few people didn't text you, and you're not, and it's okay, you don't have to call them out, but there's a few people that didn't text you that it bothers you.

Speaker 4 Yeah, also, that same person that didn't text me is going to have a baby, and they didn't tell me. And I was seriously, yeah, wow.
And I was like, oh, they don't want to tell me.

Speaker 2 Holy shit. Does that fuck you up?

Speaker 4 It makes me feel like I'm being separated from my friends and I'm drifting in space.

Speaker 2 Well, let me tell you you something. And I'm being honest.

Speaker 2 Can I be real? Can I be real?

Speaker 2 A lot of my friends have kids. There's a thing that happens when you don't have kids where you're not invited.
And honestly, I get it. I get it.
You're the one I've invited. Dude, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Honestly, honestly, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Did Sebastian ever invite you to his little kid things? No, but that would never be. We're not close.
I used to go there. We're not close like that.
Okay.

Speaker 2 But I'm saying, like, friends of mine outside of the business, they have kids and they feel weird not inviting us. And I understand,

Speaker 2 but there's also a moment of like, like today, like Easter today, Easter Sunday today.

Speaker 2 I'll come over, I'll come over and do the thing, I'll like do what hunt for hunt. I want to hunt for kids.

Speaker 2 What are you doing, dude? For eggs, what is this? Hunger games, yeah, I'll go hunt for kids, I'll go have an egg hunt. Yeah, I'm a fun guy, not really, really.

Speaker 2 I mean, there's a thing about

Speaker 2 in your face,

Speaker 2 your eyes crinkle, right? You do smile, but the cheeks is raged. Have you noticed that? Yeah.
You'll go like this, right? No, but I, but I'm sorry. I'm a good uncle.

Speaker 2 I'm a great uncle, but it's like, I'll come over and do the acting. I think people feel bad about inviting us because they're like, you don't have kids.
We don't invite you. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 And it feels weird. You don't get invited.
Well, you don't get involved. Or, you know, what I hate too is when comics go, I go, you got married? And they go, yeah, like

Speaker 2 last year.

Speaker 2 How many people, Kate? Went like 500.

Speaker 2 And I go,

Speaker 2 I've helped you.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Yeah, you're shocked. I'm shocked.
Like, I, dude, I helped your career. I'm because, yeah.
It's because of me.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't go, but I want the invitation. You know what I mean? Cordially invites you, whatever it says.
Why do you want the invitation? You're never going to go. I've gone to a couple.

Speaker 2 Whose wedding do you go to? Sebastian Monascocco and Dr. Ken Jong.

Speaker 3 I have a question.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Here we go.
Jazz it up.

Speaker 3 Do you guys ever get ingrown hairs in your balls?

Speaker 2 Can I tell you something? It's crazy. This is nuts.
I lotion my nuts every day now

Speaker 2 because I have eczema, you know?

Speaker 3 In your ball, like balls.

Speaker 2 Wait, check this out. Do you really have eczema? Dude, check this out.
I have eczema all over my body. Stinky fucking dirty fucker.
No, it's not stinky.

Speaker 2 It's just dry skin. It's not good, dude.
Oh, my God. Okay, dude.
It's dry skin. It's disgusting, dude.
It's what fucking Jeremiah Watkins gets. I had eczema.
All over his body. I had eczema.

Speaker 2 This is wild. I had eczema all over my body one time.
Dry skin. I got eczema on my balls.
And the doctor said.

Speaker 2 And the doctor was like, just fucking lotion up your balls. Yeah, dude.
But I do lotion my balls. I lotion my balls every day.
Yeah. Now I

Speaker 2 over- lotion my balls. Yeah, I have pores on my balls that you know me.
No, I'm serious. I over-lotion my my balls now.
Okay. Do you guys put lotion on your nuts?

Speaker 2 Never. Dude, your butthole is so ugly.
Why? It's just one of the ugliest buttholes I've ever seen. Look who's talking.
Yeah, two. Part two is my favorite one.
Look who's talking part two. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, why do you ask that?

Speaker 3 Because I

Speaker 3 just got my first ingrown, and it's like a big cis. Oh, and it's so painful.

Speaker 2 On your conchito? Oh, yeah. Don't call that that.
What is that? Pussy. Oh.

Speaker 2 Well, you got an ingrown hair?

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's so painful.

Speaker 2 Gross.

Speaker 3 Because I didn't exfoliate

Speaker 3 once, like, before you shave.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to hear about it.

Speaker 2 That's disgusting, dude. That's disgusting.

Speaker 2 You know what?

Speaker 3 And I was looking for advice for you guys.

Speaker 2 Okay, here's the deal. I'll tell you.
Bobby could tell you.

Speaker 2 Bobby and I both know. The deal with ingrown hairs, you got to use

Speaker 2 witch hazel.

Speaker 2 Witch hazel. Look this up.
I'm not kidding. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look up witch hazel. Look, for people at home, witch hazel is a great ingredient you can put on everything.
It reduces inflammation.

Speaker 2 Right, Lowe? Look it up. There it is.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Tux cooling pads with witch hazel. This looks nice.
Yeah. It's got protects from irritation, hemorrhoids, and

Speaker 2 other problems. Tux, man.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway, thank you for being a bad friend. I mean, what the fuck?