We Bring Down the King

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Hey everyone from Texas, Houston specifically, I need you to buy tickets for my show on,

what's it, March 28th and 29th of this year.

Go to Houston Improv.com.

Buy the tickets or I'm going to hurt myself.

I'm going to hurt myself you guys are talking it's interesting Because when people talk behind your back to me, I always defend you. Yeah.
I say, he's not here to defend himself. Don't say that stuff about him.
It's so funny because when I look in the mirror, I look at my character defects as well. So I know what my problems are.
You know, you don't know what your problems are? I know what your problems are for sure. I know what yours are.
But whenever people talk about you and I hear it and I catch wind of it, I grab it. Yeah.
I know where you saw it in your heart. And I said, you talk about my dog, dude.
And they go, oh, so sorry, man. And I defend.
I never talked about your dog. I mean, your wife.
I don't. No, crazy is that your bit that was crazy is that your that was crazy is that your bit i'm sorry i got defensive yeah and i apologize it's okay she's beautiful and i love her as a human well it's whatever you want to do today man i heard that you had so much fun without me you don't want me on the show anymore are you are you're in mind that's what i heard i turned down a pod with some so-and-so he got mad by the way why he came up to me the first thing i was like hey buddy you don't want to pop with me and i go oh no what andrew's not there it's weird you know i mean didn't you do one with the stefano i know but it's like i i've never like we don't have that And he was mad.
Yeah. But I love him.

Doesn't seem like it.

It seemed like he I've never, like, we don't have that kind of, and he was mad. Yeah.
But I love him. Doesn't seem like it.
Seemed like you would have done the pod with him if you loved him so much. You know, most people, they'll go to the Salvation Army, right, to get their t-shirts.
Not this guy. Kith.
You don't know what Kith is, man. I've been to Kith, yeah.
I've been to Kith with you in New York.

Oh, I did.

I brought you along.

That's right.

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to say- You're coming at me today.

No, I'm not coming at you, dude.

You're coming at yourself.

My Kith shirt?

Yeah, you're coming at yourself, dude.

And that's the sad part.

How am I coming at myself?

You're like, well, you guys were talking about me.

No, no, I heard the grapevine you guys were talking.

No.

Yeah?

We can bring up the clips.

We have them.

Dude.

Bring them up.

Oh, the chair. Why do you have that? That's Andrew's seat.
Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah. It sucks.
Push pause. No, no, no.
I already know what to say after that. I hope so.
You just did the episode. Yeah, you did a bit about, I did a bit about your little back.
Let me see. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's what Andrew likes. Anyway, you click, click, click.
It opens up his butt. Okay.
I know. He has back.
He has back aches. Oh, my God.
He has a spinal disc. What a gay little boy.
He has a gay disc. He has a little gay disc in his back.
He has a gay disc. They're dismantled.
What a crybaby, huh? Interesting. Interesting, yeah.
Keep going. Toilet, remember? Yeah.
Crybaby. How did he hit his head on the toilet? He got all woozy.
Like, ooh, I'm redheaded. I get woozy.
Wow, wow, wow, wow. Ooh.
This is so good. Wait, what's mine? Interesting.
Interesting. It's interesting, but also clever.
Interesting. Interesting, interesting, interesting.
That was funny. I mean, it didn't make me laugh at all, but it was very funny.
All right, let's. All right, let's get it out.
Let's get it out in the open. I just said it.
Yeah, yeah. So what I want to say is, you've never talked about me? Never.
First of all, no. And if I did, is it on tape? No, but I've heard people say that you talk about me.
Yeah, what do I say? I don't remember. I really recall.
I feel like you'd remember. I think you're right.
I think you made it up. Yeah.
Oh, my bad. I got caught in a lie.
Oh, that's i say i don't remember really recall i feel like you'd remember i think you're right i think yeah yeah oh my bad i got caught in a lie oh that's okay um i don't know what was with me that day but um you're grooving i went no i wasn't grooving i was out of bounds out of pocket and um you know because you're such a big star yeah right i love when carlos laughs at me because you know he gets my comedy somebody gets your comedy Oh my god Alright here we go Okay here we go Yeah Let's not do this right now dude You know I want to say to you this Because I heard you I want to say this Absolutely destroyed in Phoenix Shut up dude Just Alright Now let me say this Roof off I to say, Saturday Night's Second Show was one of my best performances. Wow.
But I also want to say this, okay? That you have no idea how I feel about you. Okay, dude.
Let's move on. No, no.
Oh, when it's positive, you want to move on? I'm over it. No, I'm not over it.
All right? I love you like your family. And with my family, you kind of do little dig digs right on the side.
Yeah, yeah. Like you don't visit when you go to their town.
Yeah. That was a big point of contention.
Two things. One, I did say to Carlos, I made him do Simon Says before the show because I think he was stoned.
And I asked him and he's trying to tell me he's not. But I looked into eyes you look into his eyes i wear contact no he's carlos it'd be it would be better if you were honest i didn't smoke weed today i smoked last night last night weed of course yeah yeah so now we know now you're fully gone relapsed that's called california sober no that's not a real thing you can call it but people say

that all over the internet but it's not real that's like a fake i do meth but i have i'm

colorado sober it's colorado sober it's the same thing it doesn't make any sense no this is like

one in the lexicon it was in white lotus i think yeah yeah but it doesn't mean you should do it

i thought you were clean clean clean i thought we were all out when i saw him in the alleyway

in australia yeah he had a glaze over his eyes i don't know what he was on what were you on in

Thank you. I thought you were clean, clean, clean.
I thought we were all out. When I saw him in the alleyway in Australia, he had a glaze over his eyes.
I don't know what he was on. What were you on in Australia in the alley? Marijuana.
That's it? And you lied to me. Yes.
You lied to me. You know what I did? You lied to me.
No, I got you on a technicality. I went into the hotel and I said, Bobby, I'm not drinking.
Why? What do you mean? Because I need something on this earth. Bobby doesn't need anything.
He should have something, though. No, he has lots of things.
I do agree. I should have something.
You have sugar-free Red Bull and cigarettes. Yeah, but sometimes I want more to drown my sorrows.
What do you want? I mean, sometimes I would love to smoke weed, you know what I mean, to zone out. But you don't need to.
I don't need to, and I've been three years I haven't so that's great yeah why why would we crack it now because i'm my fear though is is that once that door is open i do all the other stuff and i can't have that yeah so i just decided to do all i mean yeah because what he's saying also can happen to you you may decide so what dude i'm i'm gonna be san bernardino sober and just have one, you do pills, too. You do do pills.
That's such a projection to me. You don't.
I probably only Xanax and Lexapro, which... Those are pills.
Those are called pills, dude. But you get them at Walgreens.
I know, but they can prescribe any... I do meth, but I only smoke it.
Right. That's what it sounds like.
It's not cartel stuff, so it's good. Well, whatever.
I'm just looking out for your well-being. I'd rather you be clean as a whistle, clear-headed.
I know, but I'm just... Sober Carlos.
My history with Carlos is this. When I first met him, he was full-blown in Alcoholics Anonymous.
It was great. And anyone that's in AA, right? People aren't because they had like, you know what I mean? An accident.
It takes a lot of pain and suffering to drive you into a 12-step group. Yeah.
And to be committed to it, right? So that's, you know your history with it, right? You know that you're an alcoholic and drug addict. Do you? Yeah.
Okay. You have other addictions too, like sex.
sex labs too that's that's not a pointing it's not a it's not a pointing i'm not arguing with you this not like a tit for tat bobby's being like oh i'm mr sober and i know everything and but he's also that's not true he's not being i know everything mr sober he's just saying to to get back on the right track and stay clean have i done any drugs or alcohol since I got sober three years ago?

No, but you've literally done them with me.

Okay.

You see what he's doing?

That's the drug addiction Jedi shit.

Yeah, you are Jedi shit.

You're angling.

You're trapping and angling.

You're leading into a corner.

You're a rat trapped.

You're a rat trapped.

I don't think like rats

should get in trouble for like having a little

bit of cheese.

A rat as fat as you doesn't need

any more cheese. Exactly.
You're not taking the prosciutto.

Anyway. Let's move on.
Let's move on.

Yeah, yeah. But um.
Had a great time

in the city of Minnesota. So Andrew

did his special. He did four shows.

I did. To cut it together.

It's going to be a wonderful

piece of artwork. Well, I hope so.
It was a little bit of a challenge at the beginning finding everything the way that I wanted to find it and also boy oh boy was I upset at my team Shane Gillis was in town Kevin Hart was in town I was like what the fuck oh I saw a photo with you and Shane Gilly played played the target center where the minnesota timberwolves play and kevin played a big theater uh like he did like four theater five theaters or something um all in minneapolis that weekend but did your were your shows full no yeah they sold out but what's the problem no no no i'm just saying thank god shane sells out same day because imagine if shane was playing big theaters and he wasn't an act that could sell out an arena same day then we would we definitely share some audience do you know what i mean like right right kevin and i definitely no crossover uh we joked we were like kevin was shane goes i guess you and i had to split all the whites in town i was like yeah kevin, Kevin. There's no competition.
Yeah, yeah. But I mean, thank God Shane's so famous.
He sold out the Target Center the same day. Wow.
That's how famous he is. Like, I'm lucky we got around to it, but I think it's a bummer because ticket prices are so stupid now and we can't control them anymore.
It sucks. The promoters, Ticketmaster, the venues, it's disgusting what they do now.
And people can't go to both. People couldn't on friday and see shane on saturday there's no way they could afford that i think it fucking sucks so i wish i wish they communicated to go hey this guy's in town shooting can we reserve this you know this weekend if we could skip it or come back to you about something that didn't happen though no no i do think it affected that I moved at the end.
Moved tickets at the end. Oh, I see.
Do you know what I mean? It definitely changed people. The first time I played the Philadelphia Helium.
Yeah, I love that club. I showed up at the club.
I'm not kidding. It's not an exaggeration.
I showed up at the first show on a Friday night. There were seven people.
Oh, my God. Right? And I kind of looked around.
I go, oh, I guess I'm not big here. They're like, oh, no.
It's just literally right across the street. Chappelle's there.
And I go, oh, I got booked. Right? And then the second show was full.
And half the audience was like, oh, we saw the Chappelle show earlier. And we came to both.
That's pretty rad. Still, the first show, I was going to kill myself.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When you can't see.

I understand what you're saying.

Well, when you're fighting upstream because people can't see both and he takes a lot.

I mean, he's so famous.

Shane's the best.

He's the biggest.

So it's, you know.

Yeah.

You can't fight that.

But anyway, it was a good weekend in Minneapolis.

I love Minneapolis, although I was scared to come home once again. Because of the flights.
Bro. I had turbulence last night.
But it's getting out of control. It is.
Today. How many today? Another cash? No, no, no, dude.
A Southwest plane almost hit a private jet today. Today.
Today. Oh, my God.
Look at this near miss. It's landing or taking off.
It's landing and is that it? The jet's right there. Yeah, the jet's right there.
Look at that. It's landing and the jet is coming.
And so he took off again. Oh my God! Is it the...
What do we call the people of the tower? The F.A. Well, no, the control tower? Yeah, yeah.
The control tower? Control tower people. Control tower people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it their fault?

What is going on here?

I don't know, man.

Something's going on, though.

Like, do you not believe-

That could have been a disaster, dude.

Yeah, everybody dead.

Everyone dead.

How is this not-

Yeah, they're going to work it out.

Do we think something's going on?

Can we make up a conspiracy, please?

Did they fire all of the-

FAA, please?

Okay, I have a conspiracy.

Is that real?

No.

They fired all the white ones?

I have a conspiracy.

Hmm. And I think it's connected.
I heard it's connected So hear me out guys I heard your joke And I'm sorry they didn't laugh It's okay I didn't like it Just please Okay Your resentment right now Is so evident So it's like You're gaslighting me dude You're trying to get me resentment Look we know you're not high now Andrew was that now. Andrew, was that gaslighting? No, there was no lighting there.
Thank you. There was no lighting from Andrew.
My mistake. I thought I saw a little light.
Yeah, there was no light. And if you saw one, it was dim.
Soty! Soty, sit down, you dum-dum. No, you're not a dum-dum, dude.
Yeah, he's one of the dumbest, dude. He's one of the dumbest on earth.
You really think that? Yeah. He's one of the smartest dudes in comedy.
No. No.
You're right. All right.
Let me finish this point, and then we'll get to you. Yeah.
Dan Soder. Yeah, dude.
Love you. I love you, too.
The last time we did a gig together, you weren't that nice to me. Bullshit.
That is 100% in your head. But there's no real this.
Well, yeah, because it was two gigs we hung out with I know Where was it?

On the Pert tour On the Pert tour

So it's chaos

You're just in the middle of chaos

Yeah but he

You know I try to start conversations

There's no dick locking

No no no

I want to dick lock with you

First off I'll dock with you all day

He will

I'll go get foreskin put on my penis

In order to dock you

Wow

I'll do whatever the reverse

You know what I believe you

Whatever the reverse

Let me finish my theory here Dan

And we'll get to you

Okay

Alright

Anyway This is good you're going to want to hear this. Yeah.
So I think the reason why there's a connection between the flights, you know what I mean, getting in these accidents. All the flight crashes.
And the drones that we saw a month ago. Oh, the Chinese drones? Yeah.
Wasn't there a lot of drones a couple of months ago? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Around, right? New Jersey, right? New Jersey.
It was in California as well. It was everywhere.
Really? Yeah. Could there be a link there, you think? Something in alien airspace? Something UFO airspace? What could it be? Are you thinking like the drones are causing the accidents? Maybe there's a connection is all I'm saying.
I like that. You're saying it like a CIA guy where you go, there could be a connection.

Yeah.

I'm not saying affirmative.

I'm not saying negative.

Do you ever see Zero Dark Thirty, brother?

Oh, yeah.

Have you seen Zero Dark Thirty?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I haven't.

You haven't?

No.

There's another documentary called Manhunt.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, guess who caught?

Who did they track?

Let me ask you.

Who did they track to get to Osama bin Laden exactly right the courier the mail delivery guy no he used one guy for information so there was one guy yeah they would drive to his Abu Ahmed Al-Kawad Abu Mahmoud Al-Kawad yeah right that dude right is that Amir K it is Amir you know and now he's doing stand up And he's very successful What a second act Right right Just being a hilarious stand up comic You're not used to courier for Osama Bin Laden In a movie I would cast Michael Pena I think 100% looks like Michael Pena And not Amir K No it'd be michael pina yeah anyway so i think that so in in the the one lady in the cia was like we i think we should track the carrier and everyone was like no no no no no right but that ended up being the truth yeah and she didn't even really know what the connection was but she followed a gun's instinct i think that's what i'm doing with the fucking drones so your instinct is that the drones are making the planes crash i don't know exactly the connection between them but there's a gun instinct there you just feel like it is i feel like yeah these two i feel like it is yeah what's your theory soda i don't know these plane crashes are crazy how many are happening there's also an avoided one did you guys see the one we just talked we just talked about that just just now. Whenever something like this happens, I immediately empathize with the other plane.
Just like, remember when the bridge in Baltimore where the boat drove into the bridge? Oh, yeah, dude. Just this moment of like laps.
I don't know anything about it. Please explain to me that catastrophe.
There was a boat that like, it was like one of those short stack boats, almost like you can bring it up. I want the clinical version of the boat because

I don't get short stack boats. I don't even know what that means.

I made that up. Oh, that.
See, it's like a freighter

boat. A freighter boat ran

into a bridge. Dark Knight.
They had those in

Dark Knight. A Dark Knight

boat. Dark Knight boat.
I call it a Dark Knight boat.

In the biz, we call it a Dark Knight boat. Because remember

in the first Batman movie,

wasn't there like a thing where

he first goes, I'm Batman,

which is a dead-on impression. Yeah, that was perfect.

Yeah, thank you. Really good.
I thought Christian Bale was

Thank you. In the first Batman movie Wasn't there like a thing Where he first goes I'm Batman Which is a dead on impression Yeah it was perfect Really good These are called container ships Doesn't that sound more made up than short stack I know it sounds like bullshit Mine was completely made up Short stack sounds great I call Brad William short stack So that's my nickname for him.
But my point is, is this, what happened here? So this, this like, this boat went into the bridge. You see it at night.
It like shuts the lights off and it fucks it up. What do you people on the road? I don't know.
I don't know if anyone died in that. No, people did die.
A few people did die. Yeah.
Yeah. The cars.
Yeah. A few people around.
No one on the boat died and all the containers were safe, by the way. But everyone go like oh terrorist this was a terrorist attack or whatever but just like the small jet that almost got hit this time just like a guy being an idiot fucking being like fuck fuck fuck dude is that is that fucking plane about to take off oh it's like coming down and you're like it's a fuck and someone's just yelling your name in your ear going like bobby I've said that when I was entering a woman's vagina Yeah that's a fuck fuck.
And someone's just yelling your name in your ear, going like, Bobby, Bobby. I've said that when I was entering a woman's vagina.
Yeah, that's a fuck fuck. No, but in a panic like that, like I shouldn't be doing it.
Oh. Right? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Ah. Yeah, yeah.
And somebody dies. Yeah.
Have you ever had sex with somebody you didn't want to have sex with? I don't know how to answer that. Do you Just like I wasn't physically attracted to No but you just knew that they were a little Cray cray you know sometimes You're like what's going to happen once I enter this That's my early 20s brother Yeah man I don't know if you've ever been to Tucson Arizona Brother Tell me about it brother I was living it Did you have any double XL have any Double XL Did you ever go down that road Anybody heavy Yeah I like a larger lady I mean double XL Oh no Like Vastly outweighing me Yeah So I have a weight You're a big dude And I'm not lying I had sex with one time Many many many years ago With a 400 pound woman That is That's not I don't think that's physically possible And it happened in Phoenix 20 years ago Did they have to lower you My brother hooked it up Did they have to lower you down into her I don't know if it's a hook up Well yeah It's a hook down It's a hook down Yeah yeah for sure Yeah but She goes It was like a medical procedure She's like I'm gonna lay on my back Then you're gonna enter me And I I did it though How was it Like a soldier Yeah you went through with it yeah because sometimes you're nom right you're in hamburger hill you really get it right going through it right and your sergeant goes we gotta fucking take over this hill and you're up first and you yeah and you don't want to but you end up up there anyway you get friends slaughtered and whatnot but you're still fighting for your life Black Hawk Down Black Hawk Down Say it's so Asian Black Hawk Down Black Hawk Down I recently saw the Netflix documentary on it And I rewatched the movie Are you getting like third hand PTSD from these movies? Yeah You're coming back So anyway Oh yeah so that's what I did With this lady How was it 400's pretty big I mean you did have sex With a waterbed Yeah Yeah Well see the thing is At that time This was pre-Matt TV Oh before you got on Yeah so before I got on Let me tell you right now She liked you for who you really were Through, well, she saw me MC the improv in Tempe.
She's eating a bucket of chicken, a nice Saturday night special, and a bad TV comes on, and she goes, my little lover, my little... I used to fuck that guy.
My little spelunker. But here's the sad part of the story, and I feel so bad about it, and I think about it all the time, and I feel so bad about it.
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Somebody grabbed my jacket or my shirt, long-sheet shirt, and I look over and it's her. No.
I just see this fat hand on my head. How strong was that grip? You know what? How strong was that grip? It was so grip.
It was like a gorilla grabbed you? Or a walrus. Where you go? It was a walrus flipper.
You know when animal trainers realize that it's out of control? Yeah, dude. Like Bobby those where he goes give it back Okay we're not playing anymore Kiko stop Kiko stop No it was more like a leper grabbing you Back in the day I did this I went I pulled it away like that And then after my set I ran down Out so she couldn't grab me And I stayed in the green room so I wouldn't run into it.
I feel so away like that. Yeah.
And then after my set, I ran down, out,

so she couldn't grab me.

Damn.

And I stayed in the green room so I wouldn't run into it.

I feel so bad about it.

She was clawing at the door.

Yeah.

And you hear it like a dog smelling you under the door.

What's your fattest, you think?

Oh, Jesus.

I don't know.

I'm over 200, so I would imagine probably over that.

What do you hover at?

I walk around at 215.

Do you really?

I would like to be 210.

What are you, 6'3"?

Thank you. I don't know.
I'm over 200, so I would imagine probably over that. What do you hover at? I walk around at 215.

Do you really?

I would like to be 210.

What are you, 6'3"?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's good.

Yeah, but nothing extreme.

Yeah.

Have you ever been embarrassed?

When you step on the scale, have you ever been like, Jesus, Dan?

Yeah.

What was the Jesus, Dan?

240.

Whoa.

And it was just like after a breakup, and it was just sweet season.

I'd just quit drinking.

Yeah.

I'd quit drinking a couple years before, and then it was just eating everything.

Sweet seasons.

Do you never had a sweet season when you quit doing drugs and alcohol?

You're not really a sweets guy.

You like, what is it, savory over sweet, right?

That's interesting to say that because you're absolutely wrong. Really? I don't know you'd eat a lot of sweets.
Whenever we get dessert. I hide it.
You do secret sweetie pie? Yeah, I do. You're a secret sweet? I have a drawer in my bedroom with gummy colas.
Great. Right? I've never seen you be a sweets boy.
And then I have bags of these candies with salt in it, in the middle of it. Oh, so it's sweet and savory.
Yeah, yeah, right? You know what? Your candy. The Mexican, when they use the mango and they put that stuff up, what's it called? What are you talking about, babe? Bobby's.
Oh, you're talking about tajin. Tajin.
Yes. There's a tajin in the middle.
Yeah, so it's got a little. Spice, a little bit of spice.
You know what's funny, dude? Because whenever we go eat, you like the savory stuff, and then when we get dessert, you'll take a bite. But you're not like a...
You know the reason why I take a bite? I have bites at home. Yeah, you do.
In the hotel room. You're goddamn right.
How do you fucking know? Are you a secret, sweetie? Because I love it. I'm out in the open with it.
Yeah. Brother, I live it.
It's Easter season, so I'm in knee deep in the in the shit they're doing jelly beans i just picked up two bags of jelly beans didn't even mean to what wow because you got jolly rancher it's easter season so everyone's doing their like their jelly bean i got jolly rancher and airhead jelly beans wow i'm a savory guy dude late night i want i know that i want to food food yeah because you drink you're getting all your sugar through the booze that's when you cut it that's when you want that's what it is yeah i didn't give a shit about sweets when i drank i mean i still like having a little bit of sweet tooth thing when we go out to eat i always have a little bit of dessert took down a mini bag of cadbury uh eggs bad boy dude just fucking landed and thought, why not?

I want to say something to you. I've always thought this

and I don't want to be

rude. Oh, man.
And I want to

cause any friction. I think it's

going to do both. No, I don't think so.

I think I'm being very mindful about it.

But it's an observation

I've had over the years. I've never been

brave enough to tell you. But you're

one of those comics, like if you didn't do comedy, I don't know oh what i do yeah yeah you know what you i have a prediction what you would have been doing yeah i know yeah so you know you go to soho and they have those boutique shops it's always some sort of arbitrary like name like f-z-z-n-y you know i love f-z-z-n-y yeah yeah they got some good let's go into Vizzini Or whatever right And then you go in there and there's like this guy He looks like a John Wick villain He's got a black overcoat And just like tattoos on the neck Eyeliner A lot of jewelry And I don't know how much they make probably not good Who cares That's what you'd be doing I can't think of something that is more opposite Of who I am as a human being I have never seen Just an insane miss like that You have Zero working knowledge of me as a human being If you think I'm anywhere close I have dressed the same Like I'm moving Since I was 12 years old You don't You don't understand what I'm saying to you, Dan. He's a labor baby.
I would never wear rings. I can't wear a watch.
No, he's a labor baby. I have thin wrists.
This is information I was not privy to. Well, guess what, brother? Before you diagnose, take a look at the x-ray.
Because I'm sitting right here in front of you. I'm a kind of doctor where I don't look at the x-ray.
No, you go. I'm's cancer.
You go, it's cancer, and they go, is it? And you go, could be, though. Yeah, yeah, could be.
Always could be. Dr.
Lee, this is a dentist's office. He's got stomach cancer, I can tell.
Yeah, yeah. Sorry.
Sodor, I think, would be- Thank you. Here we go.
You'd be a laborer of some kind. I could see you- I would be getting in trouble for being funny.
Correct, on a site, on a job site. Somewhere where I'd have to be somewhat serious, I would be getting in trouble for trying to be funny.
I could see you getting tied up with Ringling Brothers and you assembling part of the tents and also announcing stuff. Honestly, that's way close.
You put me on the mic for the fucking flying Giuseppes or whoever. Whoever's in sequence doing flips in the air.
And I get to build a tent. Yeah, he killed it.
And then I make a mistake. Yeah.
And then a couple families. And then it's back to the railroads.
Yeah. You know him.
If I got my four roses, you know, my little flask of whiskey and my traveling jacket. Fuck.
Dude. I have another observation.
Okay. I'm so sorry.
He goes, you and your dad are best friends. That was very good.
That's very's very good What you said I know Sody He also seems like this guy Right Where you meet a girl Yeah A beautiful girl Right Yeah And you go Hey you wanna go out there She goes I have a boyfriend Right And then when you actually meet It's like him Yeah And I'm like What the fuck You're dating this guy for That's okay Am I right Warm Am I getting warm Yeah Very warm Yeah it now. Yeah, I know you have a girlfriend, a wife.
Yeah, I have a fiance. Fiance.
Yeah. I understand it now like I understand Shane Gillis.
Shane Gillis with his girl, the influencer lady, would have never made sense in any other scenario. Besides what? Besides famous comic influencer.
I don't think so. You don't know.
You underestimate Shane. Yeah.
I knew him before. I knew.
Oh, so he was deep in hot chicks before? Before he got bit by the radioactive spider and he became Shane Man. Okay.
Dude, he's charming. He's low-key.
He's low-key cutie pie. You're missing.
Everybody needs fame. No, no.
Okay. How about this? You're missing a few key points, by the way.
You go to the Midwest. You go to the Midwest.
You see beautiful women with big guys' guys. Yeah.
Shane is a guy's guy. And I'm going to tell you right now, I used to go on the road with me and feature for me, and when we would go to Boston or something like that, we were both single.
Boy, it would clean up. Yeah.
Because the the ladies would be like ooh. I want me a pale dad right and he'd be like shut up you're gay and they'd be like Them freckles He looks like a white guy that's been in water like a dead corpse.
Oh my god. I'm bloated No, I'm not saying that I'm just saying the eyes bulge like it's been like in a swamp I gotta tell you something right now I'm wrong He's gonna come get ya You don't want that You wanna start this war dude You are calling on You're yelling at a cloud He picks me up You're yelling at a cloud Like a little boy And I like it And we have that relationship Right I'm not You know Shane if you're listening right now Or if you get this clip He will I'm just I give you props all day long You're one of the funniest comics on planet earth You're the king And you deserve all your success That's not what I'm saying I just think you have like In Lord of the Rings Maybe the second or third movie Remember Frodo and those guys went to the Swamp And Gollum's like don't look in the.
Who was in the water? These dead elves from like thousands of years ago. Oh my God.
You know what I mean? That's all I'm saying. Just don't look in the water.
You're starting a war. Yeah, I'm not starting a war.
Anyway, I didn't mean it in a bad way. Soho's store is just crazy.
Yeah. Whenever I go to those stores, I always look at the guy and I go, oh, there's a version of Dan Sardar.

That's what you think?

Damn.

What are you doing?

Why can't you back me once?

Because I think you're insanely wrong.

I think you're fucked up.

You're out of bounds.

Don't do that.

I'm sorry.

Don't do that.

I don't like what you're fucking doing either.

I'm over here saving you from a war.

I'm tired of being bullied by people like you.

I'm saving you from a war.

I tried to fucking befriend you at the tour.

See what he's doing?

See what he's doing? I see it. Yeah.
I'm tired of being bullied By you after you just Went after him And then Shane Gillis Oh really You're bullied You're bullied Fascinating This is fascinating You're 100% bullied I'm being honest You're mad that the Soho thing didn't land And then you bullied Shane Gillis Yeah You went after my friend You're the bully Well, the next time I say a thing, disagree with me. Okay.
You know what? Yeah, yeah. Maybe that's the new rule.
But let's both be. Hey, Bobby, I'm down, but let's make this cool on all of us.
All right? Go ahead. It's like trying to negotiate.
We're all going to be cool. We're going to be cool.
We're all going to be cool. We're going to make a point we can all agree on.
Okay. That's right.
Thank you. Point we can all agree on.
Ready with no oh i always laugh and i always agree yeah why that's what friendship's all about all right i know your diabolical east coast fucking way of thinking what can i say something i know it's so sorry something happened on the burt tour between you guys that's unresolved no we have fun was it when i hurt my lip you hurt your. I didn't see you after it.
I texted you. I'm one of the only people that texted you.
When you called me with Ralph Barbosa. I picked up and I said I was one of the only people that texted you.
Okay. You busted your lip.
On the tour bus. On the tour bus yeah.
Yeah we were on our way to Florida. Yeah.
And we were in Florida. I feel like you were one of the last people to text.
I think that's what it was. Oh.
check the receipt. Now, I'm just testing you.
You're supposed to agree with me. I thought the rule was...
No, no, no. Bobby? I was testing him.
He doesn't follow the rules. Bobby, look at me.
I'm sorry. That was on me.
There we go. It's as easy as that.
Give me something to agree. We're back in.
Dax Flame definitely has a bigger penis than you than me yeah yeah that's see yeah is it true no you know what i don't i don't care

because that kind of loyalty yeah that's where it is fuck the truth i'd rather have that narrative

that's i want you to be loyal got it okay and i will agree with everything you say say something

that i might not agree with but i'll agree with it honestly i think uh gummy sodas kind of suck

Thank you. you to be loyal got it okay and i will agree with everything you say say something that i might not agree with but i'll agree with it honestly i think uh gummy sodas kind of suck i agree and whenever i'm eating them i don't even understand what the whites in my mouth do you understand how easy that is yeah throw it back to me yeah yeah yeah yeah um you look like a uh all right no no let him go You look like a fluffer in gay porn.
Yeah, absolutely. Strong jaw, looking like I'm just getting big gay rods.
It's called stiff. It's called, right, adding information and agreeing.
Yes, Andy. Now do one back to him.
I'm just going to say it right now. It shouldn't be illegal to eat a homeless person's ass.
It should not be. Yeah.
a nighttime walk i go for a nighttime walk a lot and i go for a nighttime walk in the same little stretch area by my neighborhood and this homeless guy must have heard me like talking on the phone and he yelled out i live here and i and i felt bad i was like sorry yeah so i said Sorry. Wow.
Where does he stay? So by the LA River, there's like a walking path, and there's like tents that are up underneath tucked under. You can't see them.
Yeah. But he's right.
He does live there. I was talking loud at night.
He does live there. And I apologized.
The thought of him in makeshift reading glasses, reading the back of a label, and him you shut the fuck up Yeah I'm reading He's mixing chemicals I live here I'm trying to make a new form of hooch He's reading Dostoevsky He's like man it was Kolnakov really Didn't have to murder that way He did call the cops and get him removed Yeah Gotta clean up the streets dude Nice dude Can't put up with that shit dude Now how do you feel about the homeless? How do I feel a genuine? Yeah, you're a well that he doesn't see him now in New York. They're all hibernating Yeah, they're all in the throwing the tunnel.
Yeah, where they go in the tunnels? Honestly, you don't know There's just like it's like a crisp. It's like a crisp fall day and then they're just where are they and then it gets hot and then you're like Oh, I can't walk my maybe they're frozen And they thaw That might be You go Seasons are changing They're starting Help me Yeah Reanimate Yeah And then Now it's March Yeah Do the position Yeah March Yeah Exactly I live here That's it Yeah yeah You just did the De-thawing of a homeless man.
Perfect. And that's comedy 101.
That's called a call. And that's what we do here.
Yeah. Bad friend.
And that's how talented he is. By the way, that's Encino man.
We just did the movie Encino man. Don't, don't, don't.
Please don't do this. Everything's fitted for a reboot right now.
Dude. Thank you so much.
Yeah. Tell me Bobby Lee and the Brendan Fraser role.
You would be in great Encino man. You You as the new weasel? Yeah.
Let's go. Okay, let's talk about what they should remake.
Yeah, okay. Can we talk about what movies they should remake? I'm going to go down the same line of where we already are.
One of my favorite movies that's underrated, Airheads. I fucking- Would love a new Airheads.
But how do you do Airheads? Radio doesn't matter anymore. Podcasts.
Oh, they take over like a Joe Rogan. I never saw Airheads.
What? Oh, you would love it. Brendan Fraser.
You got Adam Sandler. Sandler, dude.
Buscemi. So these three guys are like, they're a shitty band, and they badly want to get on the radio.
Back when if you get your record played once, it was like you were home free on a radio. Yeah.
And they decide they're going to hijack a local radio station because they just can't get any fucking radio play and it's basically die hard at a radio station yeah that's amazing it's fucking but they're the bad guys the good guys are the bad guys they're like idiots they take over the radio but you root for them because they're so downtrodden let's remake airheads this is us by the way soder is obviously fraser you're the tallest, and you're Buscemi. I mean, let's do it.
What about remaking Gremlins? Love it. How about one and two? Let's start.
Give me the whole franchise. Start with one.
Yeah, start with one. Start if anybody wants.
I'll tell you right now, I'm so geeked up. I want to be a Mogwai.
You are a fucking Mogwai. Honestly, if they ever do a reboot and you're not voicing the mogwai yeah someone's missing i want to be put fur okay on me what about goonies no i can't touch that can't you can't touch it it's pitch perfect it's also because that childhood fantasy of like neighborhood play i don't even know if people do that i don't know if kids do that, like go to the woods.
Dude, that's a good point. Do kids get in trouble in the woods? Did you see the lady in Georgia that got arrested because her son walked like half a mile to a store? I remember, yeah, I saw that.
Insane. Insane.
10 years old. She was charged, right? Yeah.
A child endangerment. Oh, that's it.
Yeah, the kids wouldn't do it, so that's why it wouldn't make any sense. They call it- Amazing.
They call that free-range parenting now. What? When you just let your kid be a kid.
When you're not helicoptering anymore, now it's called free-range. I ran away from home for a week.
I'm not kidding you. My parents didn't go to the cops.
Why would they? Because they just knew you were going to come back. I came in the house for a week.
My dad goes, hello. And I go, all right.
That's the reception? It is funny. It was such a not big.
There were kids that I knew growing up whose parents were real, real like loosey-goosey. I had a friend that didn't have to check in with his parents to sleep over.
Just do it. He could turn the key and launch it himself.
You want to sleep over? He goes, yeah. You going to call her? He goes, what for? I don't want to bug them.
Yeah. I don him yeah i don't know i think they probably you know where she she's at the casino anyway she's up in black hawk can i say this is a controversial say i want to think i want to say let her rip is i feel like the bullying that i received was necessary yes when you were a kid yes put your head in this toilet you're not gonna be able to breathe for too many you never got a swirly in real life? You never got a swirly Oh my god I was locked Like old school I was locked in a locker for four hours No way Yeah yeah What grade? It was one of those half lockers So I had to crouch It was insane What grade? Ninth No even younger Like probably second grade or third grade Freshman year Freshman year sounds like exactly what's happening And I definitely heard teachers walk by And I was screaming and they didn't even help me.
Well, you hear teachers like, is Bobby Lee in there? That's so funny. Yeah, yeah.
Go to the lounge. Go to the lounge.
I just feel like that sort of like made me strong enough to do comedy almost. Yeah, absolutely.
Do you know there's kids that are like, they're giving Ozempic to like fat kids now. And you're like, no, no, no.
not gonna have funny people when you grow yeah let them level out Right you let them be fat and weird and awkward Dude you want that doing it again I don't know why you're doing honestly I'm trying to You know what I'm trying to bring down the king Wow yeah I'm willing to do it you know it's hard to bring down the king when you're a rook. Damn.
Did you just write that?

Yeah.

Just write that?

Thank you, dog.

Did you fucking-

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'll be honest with you.

Did you just spit that off the top of your-

The last gig that he did here-

Bars.

Did you do the show?

The last gig?

The will turn one with Bill Burr and Shane Gillis.

I did that show, yeah.

Yeah.

I wasn't asked.

Oh, they told me why they didn't ask.

Because it was a strict timeline they had to keep, and they were like, be on time to sing I said no no chance Damn That hurts me so bad dude That you wouldn't That's really hurtful That's not true They didn't ask me They would never ask me That's fucking bullshit Stop don't do this I'm gonna pull this to Shane This is bullshit Don't It's not Fuck you Don't Welcome to the show And thanks for doing it Yeah absolutely Thanks for having me I'm in a mood I'm sorry And honestly I love it It's like holding a cat With it's claws out Exactly It's still sweet That's good That's good Trying to keep you away From the problem areas Oh yeah That's good That's good That's good I have problems With some other kings here man If we're doing this Let's do it D.L.O. Hughley, Steve Harvey.
All the living sedgeary. I have problems with them as well.
And rest in peace. Yeah, yeah.
Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac, the king of all kings.
Yeah. The true king of kings.
The true king of kings. Right.
Who has bulgier as like somebody else we know. Dude, what are you doing, bro? Who are you talking about? I'm telling you we hold counsel with the man.
Okay, good. And you and you're gonna you're gonna get you're gonna get done sometimes slovenia needs to have start a war with the united states no no they don't that's a terrible fucking idea that's something you say coming out of a nap shopify guess what guess what i get oh i'll what what okay sometimes it's a knock, back.
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Level up your grooming game today. That's not something you say.
You're right. You're right.
No, no. Who's the other person you want to throw a stone at? I'm curious now.
He said you wanted another king. Another king.
Yeah. Okay.
I'll throw this out. Billy Burr.
Wow. Yeah, he goes.
His way of saying he's like, he'll call me a kiddo. Right? Does he rub your head? You guys are the same age.
I know. And he doesn't really, you know what I mean? Talk to me that much.
Hey, what do you want to be when you grow up? Yeah. That's what he says.
He doesn't talk to anybody that much Bill is a very quiet I don't like that

You want him to be more chatty?

More chatty

Bill Burr to be more chatty

I love him

He loves you too

We've worked together many times

Yeah

Anyway let's move on

Okay

Shots are fired

Shots are not fired

No?

Why?

Because I said that Shane Gillis is bloated looking?

How is that a shot fired?

That's legitimately a shot fired

Yeah

Okay

Is it not?

Am I crazy?

Of all weeks

He's hosting SNL

Okay here we go

I know he's hosting SNL

Thank you. How is that a shot fired? That's legitimately a shot fired Okay Is it not? Am I crazy? Of all weeks Okay here we go I know he's hosting SNL That doesn't look Shane Gillis Oh my god dude You're fucked Damn Shut up Imagine a nudist beach And Shane Gillis at it Bingo There he is I will say this You are my best friend And I love you.
I'm going wrong. I cannot wait for him to come back at you.

Like, it's fucking.

Honestly?

It's going to be great.

I feel like a fur trapper that's come out of the mountains and told you, like, you don't want that war.

Dude, you think that's gilly.

I'd give you some Sam Elliott knowledge right now and say, Bobby, sometimes you eat the

bear.

Well, sometimes the bear eats you.

That's not funny. That's not funny.

That's not funny.

Yeah, the way you said it.

My tongue?

Stop it.

Fuck you.

Thanks for coming.

I'm loving whatever's going on.

All right, so I'm going to say this.

You're humming hot.

I'm humming hot right now.

I'm on fire, dude.

You're pinned.

I'm going to try to dig my way out.

All right? When that whole thing happened with Shane, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, I was the first one to defend him.
Number two, the first time I saw him perform, I thought to myself, oh, well, I would never want to follow that. Yeah.
He's a beast. Yes.
He's an absolute beast, right? He's at the top of his game.'s got a beautiful girlfriend I know his dad Love him Great guy I've been only respectful to his family I did a little dick I did a little I did a little dick I'm gonna tell you right now You. Oh, I moonwalk, brother.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do.
That might have saved you. Exactly.
You walk-walked. I walked-walked.
You walk-walked backwards. And I only have the greatest admiration that he's one of the kings of the world right now.
He's a beast. And I discovered this when we did...
No, please don't call him. I discovered this when me and Shane were guest stars on the Burton Tom show in Vegas.
Yeah. I went up first, right? And he was supposed to go before me and I switched it.
I brought Shane on. And this is in front of 15, 20,000 seats.
I was there. Yeah, you were there.
Yeah. And when I said his name, the kind of response that he got went through my, I had a spiritual awakening.
You felt that? Is that really your laugh? Yeah, that's a laugh. That made me laugh.
Gilly. All right.
What up, bro? I want to tell you, you're on the pod and we can cut it for sure because I never want to trap you, but Soder's over here right now.'s in the studio The man and Bobby Is over here he's on a hot one he's talking Shit about you and we warned him and I said I'm not talking shit about you dude Go ahead and say it dude go ahead and say what you gotta say to Shane Gillis Say it I just said that you're one of the top Comics on planet earth you're one of the kings I know your dad I know your dad And I have great respect for you Is that a slam? Doesn't sound like that's what you said I'll tell you what I said I think you have bulgy eyes Yeah And sometimes you look bloated Alright Is that war? Is it war, Gilly? No, no, no, no, no. Me go to war with fucking Bobby Lee?

No.

Could you defeat me quickly?

Yeah, I'm not.

No, I think you're great, man.

I look forward to the special.

See that, dude?

He throws you a compliment.

You insult my friend. Shane, what are you doing?

Oh, my.

I feel so bad now.

That's the kind of guy Gilles is.

Thank you, Shane.

Thank you, Shane.

Love you, buddy.

Talk to you later.

Hey, good luck, man.

I wish you guys nothing but the best.

Bobby, keep it up, man. You're love you shane dude that good a comedy and that good a person so you get a two for two oh my god you feel yeah you know what though at least you're reflective of it that's even and the accountability.
accountability. I'll tell you another thing, dude.
Bro. We're cutting all that out.
I have control of this podcast. We're going to cut all that out.
Dude. Yeah.
He just texted me. What do you say? Tell him he's fucking dead.
Yeah. Let me see it.
Fucking dead. Told you.
Wait, he really did. He really did.
That's it for you buddy That's it for me Oh well you know what I think it's my way to get out It's a good run It's my way to get out You know what man Honestly they won't be able to find me in Vermont If I stay off the internet I mean I have a fantasy of just kind of getting out You know what it is dude This is like one of those Hollywood stars Where are they now And this will be a grainy flashback to when it all started to plummet Yeah this is when the music changes Yeah dude This is when the music changes on the dock The color slowly fades It goes black and white Stings get slowed down It's just punched in on you right now, contemplating. I want to say I haven't slept a lot lately.
Okay. All you do is sleep.
It's literally all I do. No, but the last three days I haven't because I've been traveling and stuff.
Okay. I have not been sleeping.
You think you're... I'm not in my right mind.
And I think that what I did was not right. And it was like, I don't even think that's how i really feel you know yeah i think it was just a guy just out of his mind talking yeah dude i get it you get it i respect it man and i apologize i don't you don't look like a security guard at a boutique soho honestly i would have taken that over what you originally said because that says i am there to secure that and i i think you were one of the first people to text me when I got hurt.
When I woke up and I heard about it. And we have a great relationship.
Absolutely. And that's my bad.
We can start anew. Yeah, and you know, last week when I went after you.
You did. Yeah.
Bobby, spring's about to be sprung. I apologize for that.
I was like not in my right mind. I don't care.
It was actually kind of funny. Okay.
I loved it. I actually thought it was very funny.
Someone sent me the clip. I was like, that's pretty funny.

Okay. So I'm the one that needs to change.

I'm the wrong.

Wow.

I'm the bad guy.

That level of accountability.

Yeah.

And I'm ashamed.

Don't be.

The bullshit that I said.

No, stop.

You are entering a new phase in life where you are taking ownership.

I'm trying to figure out if I really believe what I said. So I'm going through that right now.
You know what I mean? Just to be honest with you, do I really feel that way? Maybe, maybe not. But I shouldn't have said it out loud.
That's okay. I'll tell you that right now.
In fact, I will say this. I do believe what I said.
All of it. Oh.
But I shouldn't have said it out loud. Okay, dude.
That's crazy. That's pretty good crazy pretty good that was a 180 to 180 we're right back where we started if you watched a trial with that kind of admit where he goes yeah I don't I'm sorry I killed her but am I sorry I killed her not really but I am sorry that I did it I felt it and I'm fine for feeling that I haven't masturbated in five days well you why haven't you jerked in five days? I'm trying to not.
Five days? Yeah. Five days is a pretty good amount of time.
When did you notice it? Like, what was the worst day so far? Like today? Last night I tried to and I couldn't do it. Day four is when I start to get a little itchy.
Yeah. Ari Shafir told me that, he said this out loud, so I, you know, that he, the way, you know, his girlfriend, his girlfriend great girlfriend yeah that the reason he met her in the first place is he wasn't masturbating for a long time and then when that happens that it motivates you to like you know when you meet a girl find it like hey meet us at the bar you don't go he motivated him to go yeah because he had four balls yeah yeah so i think it is a good advice.
Five days, though, you got to empty it out, man.

Yeah, go empty the clip.

And maybe that's why I'm acting the way I am today.

That's exactly right.

That actually explains a lot. You know what?

That is it because you're aggressive.

You're being very aggressive.

I'm being very aggressive right now.

Yeah, you're just horned up, dude.

I'm horned up.

You're a little full.

So, Shane, if you're listening, don't start a war with me.

Yeah, dude.

I'm horned up.

You'll get it whether you're saying it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A guy getting to a fight with another guy would be like,

brother, I'm just this way because it's horny.

I just realized the reason I tried to fight you in that bar was because I have a boner. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm pumped out of my mind. Yeah, so I apologize.
And I think people listening get it. Oh, huh.
I think they get it. I think they get it too.
Any rational person would get it. Yeah.
Now, can I ask you another question? do you think of um pizzeria bianco in phoenix i know you called me about this we talked have you been there yeah he's two sign he doesn't know phoenix as well yeah i know oh so south on i-10 so years ago um a film critic in new york times said that that's the best pizza on planet earth and it became a gigantic, you say, hours away. Big planet.
Yeah. Big planet to say Earth, dude.
That's insane. And, you know, I went there again.
It's pretty good. It's good, dude.
Is it like, have you had Frank Pepe's in Connecticut? That's like one of the, that's like the OG. Why would I go there? I don't know.
You do a lot of shows. Connecticut has some of the best pizza.
They're trying to make it that... They're trying to make us...
Is Hartford there? In Connecticut? Yeah. But Frank Pepe's is in New Haven.
Hartford, Connecticut, Funny Bone. They were so rude to me.
That's why I've never been back. The club? Yeah.
Or the people that went to the club no the the staff the management there really i did it one weekend there and the manager at the last night and i'd seen him around all weekend finally introduced himself and he was kind of like here's your check oh damn maybe he had something going on he could have had full what if that guy had full balls twice would you have taken it if he was full balls no twice i've been there and imagine he were not nice to me. Well, maybe he had full balls twice.
They can fill up real quick. Okay.
You know what? You're right. Maybe you're right.
So Connecticut has the best pizza. They try to.
If you ever go to New Haven, you should have Frank Pepe's. New Haven.
Yeah. Frank Pepe's.
It's very good. Okay.
But do you think so far, do you think Pizza Bianco was the best you've ever had? I think that it's the best in the top five I've ever had, probably. Well, okay.
Let's rank. How about this? This is even more, because we got in a good debate about donuts the other week.
By the way, in Los Angeles, I go to Kettle Glaze every time I'm here. Oh, yeah.
And I went and picked up a half a dozen. You are a little secret sweet boy, huh? I'm pretty loud.
I'm pretty raging. I'm going to tell you something right now.
I'm flaming. I think you're going wrong with it.
I think you're going wrong with it, and I'm going to convince you otherwise. Kettle Glaze? Yeah.
Is the wrong way to go? Yeah. I would go.
Have you ever had Sidecar? Mm-hmm. We brought them into the studio one time.
Sidecar? What do you think of them? They're good. They're fine.
Wow. Wow.
You know, it's not my number one. Oh, are they like a busy donut? A busy donut? Yes.
Here's what I like about. Kettle glaze goes like this.
We're a donut. See, that's what I like.
Okay. Not like we're a donut wearing a fruit hat.
You know what these are? These these are these are donuts that these are hey these are single moms now that have been through a divorce that's who this donut is it's got too much going on yeah you go you don't need all of this you don't need but i'm gonna double down now my friends okay and i'm gonna show you something that's gonna blow your minds if i may please okay in korea i'm already out I'm in. I'm in harder.
That's the right answer. South or north? I don't care.

North. North.
Yeah, the good side. Yeah.
Yeah. Look at Kim Jong-un.
Does North Korea- He loves donuts. Oh, my God.
Does North Korea have a similar thing, like Northern Ireland has an up the raw? Like, does North Korea have a fucking chant or anything like that? Yeah. Kill American.
Oh, I love that. Yeah.
Or it's like, it's un time. un time so there's a they have one now so this is a korean company that they have a one in korea town and it's called old fairy donut okay okay that's you that's what we call you you know what dude that's rude you set me up yeah yeah old fairy oldR-Y.
Yeah, yeah. Like a fairy.
It is the best donut in LA. All right, we'll go to Old Fairy.
Oh, bitch. Yeah, those pictures, Bobby.
You're right. This is it.
Are you being sarcastic? No, I'm being 100% for real. I'm telling you.
You showed me that first fancy shit. I don't want that.
This is, yes. I want to rank this.
I want to rank the corporate pizza joints where they go. Because look, everyone's got their fancy pizza joints.
Give me the corporate rankings. Give me Domino's, Pizza Hut, Little Caesars.
Give me fucking Sbarro can be thrown in there. I can tell you.
Go. I honestly think Pizza Hut.
Yes. Number one.
Number one is Pizza Hut. Because the crust is buttery and something about it.
Also, the way they do their pizza, it stays more like a pizza. Dominoino's They overload you with the fucking dough And the cheese And your swearing is right for that Their fucking dough Yeah yeah I hate it I think Little C's is my favorite Hot and ready dude Hot and ready it's simple It's simple Little C's simple.
Little C's cheese is fine for me. Oh, do you have a cricket phone?

Yeah.

Who the fuck likes?

Who likes Little Caesars?

I just like the $5. One of their toppings is cancer.

I bet.

It goes Pizza Hut Domino's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Papa John's.

Papa John's.

Pre or post N-word.

I don't know.

That garlic sauce?

You get in the top three with that.

Yeah.

Dude, I like the hot and ready.

Just it saved me for a long time in my 20s, financially think if you ate it now you would think differently because i don't we don't have that pizza now that's the problem i like i haven't eaten anything like that in a long time yeah but the pizza's little caesar's still around oh yeah is it dude what every corner go to well western my buddy matt's kid i haven't seen a little caesar's in forever my buddy matt's kid just tried it for the first time like last week and he was like he says it's the best food he's ever had in his life. I've never seen we're in Echo Park.
I'm not fucking going over there. But what if you guys had a Little Caesars pizza party and it was brought to you? We keep talking about it.
They might end up sponsoring the show. So I went to pizza pizza.
When I play Chicago Improv sometimes they get me a fresh Lou Malnolius. Yeah.
It good Yeah Yeah That's my I love Lou It's pretty good It's very good I like deep Deep dish I don't care what you feel about it It's good just for that Special occasion We don't eat it on the regular Yeah yeah But I love it It's heavy It's too heavy for a regular No you eat it once in a great while It's cake Yeah Fork and knife So I had this Filipino family Kalilah's End Come from Philippines One summer And we went to that deep dish pizza place In Los Feliz or Echo Park Masa Masa Yeah Masa yeah Very good Yeah it's great They didn't eat it What? They don't know what it is There wasn't any bugs on it? No no Yeah yeah There's no cardboard on it. If you shave some tree bark on this, it will be good.
Say what on the tree bark. They're doing it like it's truffle.
Can I interest you in some tree bark? This is some oak. We're just going to shave it onto your...
Yeah. Of course they didn't eat it.
That's not in their flavor profile. They like spicy.
That pizza's a thick, thick doughy cake pizza It's just a mushed up tomato They're not going to like that But let me say something to you Y'all When I'm in a different country I'll check all of it out And I'll try it Oh you're saying they didn't even want to try it They didn't even attempt it How would you not Look at that thing. How would you not try that? They didn't even take a bite? Yeah.
I would see myself getting very upset about that. Yeah, take a bite.
Being like, take a bite. I also made reservations.
You guys got to check out this. Yeah.
You put thought into it. Exactly, dude.
Yeah. What did they end up wanting? They wanted Jollibee, right? Yeah.
They love Jollibee, dude. What's Jollibee? Oh, bro.bee oh you know it's their Version of like a chain food restaurant But it's but it's they fucking Live and die by this so much so that like Yeah that's Jollibee You know um but they have spaghetti too Show me Jollibee's spaghetti you know You know Benny Blanco do you know who that is the producer You know how sometimes you're in the mood for spaghetti And a chicken leg Yeah what am I pregnant It's fucking wild Benny Blanco did a video of a food review I think at his house And he caught so much shit From Filipino fans For just being like this isn't good Benny B But it's so funny how like they take This is like their shit But the one in the Philippines that I've been to Is the quality is different It's better Do you You think it's just, yeah, it's just.
Do you think it's like when you get a Guinness in Ireland, it's just better? That's. Yeah.
That's what it is. I don't know.
That's true. They clean out their lines.
I know, but you go to a good spot that serves a good Guinness. There's a couple of good Guinness spots because I, you know, that's my beer.
I don't really drink beer, but if I'm going to have a beer, I'm drinking that. You know, I was the.
Guinness King. I was the brand ambassador.
What? Yeah. That's what got me out julie you know julian mccullough i know yeah no he did the guinness brand ambassador thing and then he quit drinking and they were trying to find a new one and he's like you should have my buddy soda do it and uh can i talk about him what's that mccullough yeah you cut off a story but yeah what's up what's going on me you're gonna call him bloated too Finish your story no no i was just saying i got to go to the i got to like go they flew me to dublin and i got to like i had to drink guinness for like two years the best and by the end i was like get this mud water out of my hand i love it see when he finishes it we should have cut it off this guy dude you're you're a little hot hot top i mean i almost need you to go to the bathroom Watch you come back And it's just You know what you're right I'm not going to say what I want to say about Julian McCullough I think it's another war Go ahead let me hear it You might as well dude you're starting it up He used to live in LA And I thought He is? Yeah.
Something happened. Oh, you're saying he lost his look? Something happened.
Did you fall out of love with him? Because he's still handsome. Maybe you fell out of love with him.
Maybe. He's a pretty good looking guy.
Yeah, I guess he's still got it. Okay.
What did you think? Did you see him on an off night? Yeah, so when I saw him recently, he just got older. That's it.
Like we all do. He gained like six pounds is all.
Dude, Bobby's like Tim Gunn. He's like, what are you, fat bitch? Look at this gross pig.
No, I loved it. Ew.
What a fantastic. Julian Rules.
He's so funny. He's very, very funny.
I love him. Anyway.
And thanks for giving me the brand ambassador job in 2011. Thank you, Julian.
I got to quit waiting tables because of it. Wow.
It tables because of it Isn't that great when something like that changes your fucking life I mean it changed my life I bought a laptop I didn't own a laptop from 2007 to 2011 Slow down Is Joe Maddoree still around? I don't know Yeah I know Joe Maddoree The first time I made enough money to buy a new laptop Like a real one I didn't watch porn on it I was so scared Yeah, you didn't. Joe Matteries.
The first time I made enough money to buy like a new laptop, like a real one, I didn't watch porn on it. I was so scared.
Yeah. You don't want to.
Yes. You don't want to damage it.
I didn't want to hurt her. Yeah.
I keep her in good shape. No.
Only emails and videos. For years, I was like so afraid.
I was like, no, it's going to fuck it up. And this is the first one I could afford.
So no, I'm not going to fuck it up. Yes.
That's how I felt about my iPhone. First time I got an iPhone, I'm like, I should porn on this thing.
And then you're like, oh, you can watch porn on this thing Right That's all I wanted And now that's all it is for Yes Dan How are you dealing with the fame? Brother day by day He takes it day by day But do you like it? I'm not famous What are you talking about? Can I tell you why you are? Why? Because I'm hanging out with somebody She was introduced me family members. Sure.
And there was a guy involved and he was like, do you know Dennis? No, they were white. Oh, sorry.
You know what though? You seem to think all the people I hang out with are Asian. I didn't get an accent in all episode.
I figured I had to do it now because we talked about it. Okay, okay.
Honestly, at the buzzer, nailed it. Yeah, but he is a huge fan of yours.
Oh, that's awesome. He's like, I love, you know, what's he like? You know what I mean? Yeah.
I swear to God. And I'm like, who, Dan? He goes, yeah, what's he like? He seems to be his biggest fan.
He's the man. I've seen people talk about you many times.
Really? So there is a level of fame, and you know it because when you go to clubs, you sell out, right?

Yeah.

So why does that happen?

Because I've been going to cities for years?

That's not why.

It's because your presence is elevated.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I mean, you're right.

Can we agree with that?

So how are you dealing with it?

I didn't know who this guy was before he walked in the door.

I just randomly walked in.

Can I sit down on your podcast? Oh, so people that we have on this podcast are people that are elevated yeah so how does it feel feels good okay thank you by the way bobby easy fucking answer dude just like the way you described me so bad you went the the worst thing with me is uh me trying to be confident with myself yeah it's hard to i know shit on me all you want bring on me all you want. Bring it on, baby.
Yeah. We can have fun.
But the second you go like, good job, I go, it's the hug and stepbrothers. Why are we like that? It's the hug and stepbrothers.
Because it's what, you just said it earlier. It's the bullying that made you funny.
Yeah. I'm shocked when people are like, come to my shows and it's sold out or whatever.
I always turn to the manager and go, is there some sort of promotion going on? And they go, what do they go what do you mean i go i mean is it a two for one or what's going on he goes no it's regular price and you sold out and i'm always i look in the audience i go wow i've told this story before on uh on the regs but i was working the blue room in springfield missouri and i drove from kansas city to springfield and i had a bunch of texts and people were like they're like dude the club's running a special where if they buy tickets to you they're entered into a raffle to see matt rife and like so many comics texted me screen grabbed it and sent it to me they're like wow really yeah they're like same audience but they're like they're like hey buy tickets to this fucking ogre, and then maybe you can see Matt Rife. And it worked.
It worked? Wow, yeah. My ticket sales were dog shit, and there were people there, and it was pretty wild.
Wow, wow, wow, wow. That's like where you're like, oh, so you guys are running around.
Okay. And then when it really happens, you go.
First time I played the Mall of America. Yeah, House of Comedy.
Dude, maybe 20 people, maybe. And a 500 seat room That's a full circle moment though Taping your special in Minneapolis That was pretty cool It was really cool That one hurt a lot though It's a big room too And you have to walk into the mall Before you go to a club Which hurts you twice It's also top floor Yeah, you have to pass.
You have to go up escalators and elevators.

And honestly, that Jamba Juice is doing some heavy lifting.

Yeah, there's a lot of it.

I'm getting an orange dream machine,

and then I'm going upstairs and just.

By the way, it's an orange Julius now.

I'm just kidding.

I'm glad you said that,

because that was my worst turnout of all time.

I hate shit. I'm all of them.

Oh, my God.

And I can see an image of me,

like a Paul Thomas Anderson shot at me, like going down the escalator when it's over passing, like the guy at journeys, like turning off the lights. Yeah.
Shutting the cage. Yeah.
Like, yeah, dude, it hurt. It hurts so much when you like have to do that, but it makes you a great comic.
And to piggyback what you're saying, not to be a sappy fuckhead, but I think every, every set now I've been thanking the fans and i did it every night at the special because it does mean the world to me that they show up i think it's so dope that they come out it's it dude it it never has made me go yep knew it every time i go out i go wow dude thank you unreal amazing do you have but there's a couple of comics we know you know know, that are like, I knew it was going to be this way.

That's crazy.

I do get resentments though of clubs

that didn't treat you well.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

And then now you won't play them?

Yeah.

I got a couple.

What do you mean?

Totally.

I got a couple.

Is that right though?

Is that healthy?

That's like if any regular person

at your regular job at home,

whatever job that you work,

if someone treated you poorly

in your customer route

and then you started doing well

I don't know. healthy that's like if any if any regular person at your regular job at home whatever job that you work if someone treated you poorly in your customer route and then you started doing well on and some other version of your job and then those customers wanted to come back you're like get fucked yeah the clubs i play now are the clubs are necessarily not because of the draw but it's because they treated me when i was down yeah so when i talked about hartford Hartford, Connecticut at that Funny Bone, I was down then.
Yeah. Right? And I just want people to be regular and nice.
Yeah, when they're good to you and they don't have a reason to be. I have loyalty.
Yeah, you're like, oh, cool. Then I'll come back.
You know, like. They used to be good to me, by the way.
I'm not saying not change, but when I was doing those house comedies and Brons bronson's rooms they were always good to me edmonton's great now that's where we might differ oh really oh you got clipped out there there might be a reason why i don't use them as a club chain oh i fucking you want to talk about one of my worst weekends of my life yeah was the that fucking club house of comedy in scottsdale scottsdale scottsdale because you know yeah yeah it's north scottsdale it looks like dude at a point it looked like a moon base when you drive up and you'd be like there's nothing it looks like mars and yeah yeah yeah and i just ate shit every night so bad is that 12 years ago again yeah it's 2000 yeah this is 2013 2014 wow wow wow uh there i think the edmonton happened like 2016 2017 this is like 2014 i remember specifically i called gary goldman and gary goldman was like just do your best stuff keep your head down get through the weekend oh yeah because it was just well fucking eating i'll tell you why though from a socioeconomic standpoint, you're not that kind of, that's not your crowd.

No. Yeah, this is like retirees.
This is a lot of old couples. Oh, my God.
I also have some resentment for Arizona. Because you went to school there.
Oh, yeah. We both went to school there.
And you kind of come back, and you're like, you weren't that nice to me. Why were you so mean to me? Yeah, you got like- What are you doing to me? You come back and you're like- Hold on to those things me you why were so mean to me yeah you go like what are you doing to me you come back hold on to those things you're like i couldn't get pussy for shit at this school and i'm coming back and being like but but i i'm doing a show in tucson this fall i'm very excited i haven't been back to tucson in like fucking years plug it by the way are you playing the school no no no i don't know what then you were doing yet but we're setting it up have you ever played the school no i have interest.
One day I want to play ASU. I don't know why, because I think Schwartzen played there when I was in school.
That's awesome. Yeah.
Wow. Well, he was fucking.
I want to do the Rialto because that's where I saw Chappelle in Tucson. That's sick.
During the Blackzilla season one of Chappelle's show. It was a fucking.
Wow. Without a doubt, one of the greatest live stand-up shows I've ever seen in my life.
Guy did like 70, came back 20 on cords get fucked get fucked ripping it i hate that we're doing 26 tops yeah bring up sody's dates okay if you want to see dan soder on tour he's on tour right now uh here in february uh march april may he's everywhere as balboa theater down there in san diego so richmond virginia i'm gonna be at at the Funny Bone April 4th and 5th. And then in Spokane Comedy Club May 1st through the 3rd.
We got a big announcement coming up with a bunch of shows that I'm going to hopefully be dropping very soon. That are not on this list? That are not listed.
Are you doing like a Skanks thing? No. Okay.
I'm doing like a tour. With a bunch of other guys? No, by myself.

Big boy shit.

All right, big dog.

Put on some big pants.

Well, go to dansoder.com if you do want to go see one of the funniest comedians we know

touring across the country.

We love you.

Dan, look at that camera say thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend.