We Bring Down the King

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

Speaker 1 These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save.

Speaker 1 Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

Speaker 2 Hey everyone from Texas, Houston specifically.

Speaker 2 I need you to buy tickets for my show on what is it? March 28th and 29th

Speaker 2 of this year.

Speaker 2 Go to Houstonimprov.com.

Speaker 2 Buy the tickets or I'm gonna hurt myself. I'm gonna hurt myself.
I might die.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 3 Apparently, you guys were talking a lot of shit when I wasn't here. That's what I heard.

Speaker 2 You don't know yourself?

Speaker 3 I heard you guys talking a lot of shit.

Speaker 3 Well, I wasn't here. Not even here to defend myself.
You guys are talking.

Speaker 3 It's interesting.

Speaker 3 Because when people talk behind your back to me, I always defend you.

Speaker 3 I say, he's not here to defend himself. Don't say that stuff about him.

Speaker 2 It's so funny because when I look in the mirror, I look at my character defects as well. So I know what my problems are.

Speaker 2 You don't know what your problems are?

Speaker 3 I know what your problems are for sure.

Speaker 2 I know what yours are.

Speaker 3 But whenever people talk to me about you and I hear it and I catch wind of it,

Speaker 2 I grab it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I know where you store it in your heart. And I said, you talk about my dog, dude?

Speaker 3 And they go, oh, so sorry, man. And I defend.

Speaker 2 I never talked about your dog.

Speaker 2 I mean, your wife. I don't.
No, I'm kidding. That's crazy.
Is that your bit? That was crazy.

Speaker 2 That was crazy. Is that your bit? I'm sorry.
I got defensive. Yeah.
And I apologize. That's okay.
She's beautiful. And I love her as a human.

Speaker 3 Well, it's whatever you want to do today, man. I heard that you had so much fun without me.
You don't want me on the show anymore.

Speaker 2 You are your mind.

Speaker 3 That's what I heard.

Speaker 2 I turned down a pod with some so-and-so. He got mad, by the way.
Why? He came up to me. The first thing out of his mouth is is like, hey, buddy, you don't want to pod with me? And I go, oh, no, what?

Speaker 2 Andrew's not there. It's weird.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Didn't you do one with Gestefano?

Speaker 2 Call it out. I know, but it's like, I've never, we don't have that kind of.

Speaker 2 And he was mad.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I love him.

Speaker 3 Doesn't seem like it. Seemed like you would have done the pod with him if you loved him so much.

Speaker 2 You know, most people, they'll go to the Salvation Army, right? To get their t-shirts.

Speaker 2 Not this guy. Kith.

Speaker 3 You don't know what Kith is, man.

Speaker 2 I've been to Kith. Yeah.
I've been to Kith with you in New York. Oh, right.
I did. I brought you along.
That's right. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, I want to see. You're coming at me today.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not coming at you, dude. You're coming at yourself.
My Kith shirt? Yeah, you're coming at yourself, dude. And that's the sad.

Speaker 3 How am I coming at myself?

Speaker 2 You were like, well, you guys were talking about me. No, no, I heard from the grapevine.
You got to talk.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 3 we can bring up the clips.

Speaker 2 We have them. Dude.
Bring them up. Oh, the chair.

Speaker 2 Why do you have that? That's Andrew C. Oh, really?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah. It sucks.
Oh, it's a pushbox. No, no, no.
I already know

Speaker 2 what to say after that.

Speaker 3 I hope so. You just did the episode.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you did a bit about. I do a bit about your little back.
Let me see. Okay.
What is it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what Andrew likes.
Yeah, anyway, you click, click, click.

Speaker 2 Opens up his back. Okay.
I know.

Speaker 2 He has backaches.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 He has a spinal disc. He's a gay little boy.
He's a gay disc. He has a little bit of a gay discs in his back.
He's a gay disc. They're dismantled.
What a crybaby, huh?

Speaker 2 Interesting. Interesting, yeah.
Keep going. Toilet, remember? Yeah.

Speaker 2 How do you get his head on the toilet? He got it all woozy, like, ooh, I'm red-headed. I get woozy.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.

Speaker 2 This is so good. Wait, what's mine?

Speaker 2 Interesting. Interesting.
It's interesting, but also clever.

Speaker 3 Interesting, interesting.

Speaker 2 Interesting, interesting, interesting.

Speaker 3 That was funny. I mean, it didn't make me laugh at all, but it was very funny.
All right, let's.

Speaker 2 All right, let's get it out. Let's get it out in the open.
I just said it. Yeah, yeah.
So what I want to say is, you've never talked about me? Never.

Speaker 3 First of all, no. And if I did, is it on tape?

Speaker 2 No, but I've heard people say that you talk about me.

Speaker 3 Yeah. What do I say?

Speaker 2 I don't remember, really recalling.

Speaker 3 I feel like you'd remember.

Speaker 2 I think you're right. I think you made it.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, my bad. I got caught in a lie.
Oh, that's okay.

Speaker 2 I don't know what was with me that day, but... You're grooving.
I went, no, I wasn't grooving. I was out of bounds and out of pocket.
And, you know, because you're such a big star. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 I love when Carlos laughs at me because he gets my comedy.

Speaker 3 Somebody gets your comedy.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. All right.
Here we go. Okay.
Here we go. Yeah.
Let's not do this right now, dude. You know?

Speaker 2 I want to say to you this. Because I heard you're absolutely destroyed in Phoenix.
Shut up, dude. Just

Speaker 2 roof off.

Speaker 2 I have to say, Saturday night's second show was one of my best performances. Wow.
But I also want to say this, okay? That you have no idea how I feel about you.

Speaker 3 Okay, dude, let's move on.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. Oh, when it's positive, you want to move on? I'm over it.
No, no, I'm not over it. All right.
I love you like your family.

Speaker 2 And with my family, you kind of do little dig digs on the side. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Like you don't visit when you go to their town.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 That was a big point of contention.

Speaker 3 Two things. One,

Speaker 3 I did say to Carlos, I made him do Simon Says before the show because because I think he was stoned. And I asked him, and he's trying to tell me he's not, but I looked into his eyes.

Speaker 3 You look into his eyes.

Speaker 2 I wear contact. No, you know.

Speaker 2 Carlos,

Speaker 2 it would be better if you were honest.

Speaker 4 I didn't smoke weed today. I smoked last night.

Speaker 2 Last night. Weed.
Of course. Yeah.
Yeah. So now we know now you're fully gone, relapse.

Speaker 4 That's called California sober.

Speaker 3 No, that's not a real.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, it's not a real. You can call it.

Speaker 4 But people say that all over the internet.

Speaker 3 But it's not real. That's like a fake.

Speaker 2 I do meth, but I have, I'm Colorado sober. It's Colorado sober.
It's the same thing. It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 4 No, this is like one in the lexicon. It was in White Lotus, I think.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 But it doesn't mean you should do it.

Speaker 3 I thought you were clean, clean, clean.

Speaker 2 I thought we were all out. When I saw him in the alleyway

Speaker 2 in Australia,

Speaker 2 he had a glaze over his eyes. I don't know what he was on.

Speaker 3 What were you on in Australia? In the alley.

Speaker 2 Marijuana. That's it? And you lied to me.
Yes. You lied to me.
No, but you know what I did? You lied to me. No, I got you on a technicality.

Speaker 4 I went into the hotel and and I said, Bobby, I'm not drinking.

Speaker 3 Why? What do you mean?

Speaker 4 Because I need something on this earth.

Speaker 3 Bobby doesn't need anything.

Speaker 4 He should have something, though.

Speaker 2 No, he has lots of things. I do agree.
I should have something. You have sugar-free Red Bull and cigarettes.
Yeah, but sometimes I want more to put on my sours. What do you want?

Speaker 2 I mean, sometimes I would love to smoke weed, you know what I mean, to zone out.

Speaker 3 But you don't need to.

Speaker 2 I don't need to, and I've been three years I haven't. So that's great.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Why would we crack it now?

Speaker 2 Because my fear, though, is that that once that door is open, I do all the other stuff and I can't have that.

Speaker 2 So I just decide to do all.

Speaker 3 I mean, yeah, because what he's saying also can happen to you. You may decide, so what, dude?

Speaker 3 I'm going to be San Bernardino sober and just have one pill.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you do pills, too. You do do pills.

Speaker 2 That's such a projection. You don't.

Speaker 4 Only Xanax and Lexapro, which

Speaker 2 I can't be prescribed. Those are called pills, dude.

Speaker 4 But you get them at Walgreens.

Speaker 3 I know, but they they can prescribe any.

Speaker 2 I do math, but I only smoke it. Right.
That's what it sounded like. That's right.

Speaker 4 It's not cartel stuff.

Speaker 2 So it's good. All right.
Well, whatever.

Speaker 3 I'm just looking out for your well-being. Yeah.
I'd rather you be clean as a whistle, clear-headed.

Speaker 4 I know, but I'm just...

Speaker 2 I'm going to sober Carlos. My history with Carlos is this.
When I first met him, he was full-blown in Alcoholics Anonymous. It was great.
And anyone that's in AA, right?

Speaker 2 People aren't, because they had like, you know what I mean, an accident. It takes a lot of pain and suffering to drive you into a 12-step group.
Yeah. And to be committed to it, right?

Speaker 2 So that's, you know, your history with it, right? You know that you're an alcoholic and drug addict.

Speaker 2 Do you? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 You have other addictions too, like sex.

Speaker 3 That's not a pointing. It's not a, it's not a pointing thing.

Speaker 2 I'm not arguing with you. That's not like a tit for tat.

Speaker 4 Bobby's being like, oh, I'm Mr. Sober and I know everything, but he's also really.

Speaker 3 That's not true. He's not being, I know everything, Mr.
Sober. He's just saying

Speaker 3 to get back on the right track and stay clean.

Speaker 2 Have I done any drugs or alcohol since I got sober three years ago?

Speaker 4 No, but you've literally done them with me.

Speaker 2 Okay. But this is okay.

Speaker 2 You see what he's doing? That's the drug addiction Jedi shit.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you are Jedi shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're angling.
You're angling.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 You're trapping and angling. You're leading into a corner.
You're trapped.

Speaker 2 You're a rat trapped. You're a rat trap.
Yeah, you're a rat trapped in.

Speaker 4 Like, rats should get in trouble for having a little bit of cheese.

Speaker 3 A rat as fat as you doesn't need any more cheese. Exactly.

Speaker 2 The prosciutto. Anyway.
Let's move on. Let's move on.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Had a great time in the city of Minnesota.

Speaker 2 So Andrew did his special. He did four shows.

Speaker 3 I did.

Speaker 2 To cut it together. It's going to be a wonderful piece of artwork.
Well, I hope so.

Speaker 3 It was a little bit of a challenge at the beginning finding everything the way that I wanted to find it. And also, boy, oh boy, was I upset at my team.

Speaker 3 Shane Gillis was in town. Kevin Hart was in town.

Speaker 2 I was like, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 Oh, I saw a photo with you and Shane.

Speaker 3 Gilly played the Target Center where the Minnesota Timberwolves play. And Kevin played a big theater, like he did like

Speaker 3 five theaters or something,

Speaker 3 all in Minneapolis that weekend.

Speaker 2 But were your shows full? No, yeah, they sold out.

Speaker 2 What's the market? No, no, no, no.

Speaker 3 I'm just saying, thank God Shane sells out same day.

Speaker 3 Because imagine if Shane was playing big theaters and he wasn't an act that could sell out an arena same day. Then we would, we definitely share some audience.
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Like, Kevin and I,

Speaker 3 definitely no crossover.

Speaker 3 We joked. We were like, Kevin was, Shane goes, I guess you and I had to split all the whites in town.
I was like, yeah, Kevin.

Speaker 2 There's no conversation. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 But I mean, thank God Shane's so famous. He sold out the Target Center the same day.

Speaker 2 Wow. That's how famous he is.

Speaker 3 Like, I'm lucky we got around to it, but I think it's a bummer because ticket prices are so stupid now and we can't control them anymore. It sucks.

Speaker 3 The promoters, Ticketmaster, the venues, it's disgusting what they do now. And people can't go to both.
People couldn't see me on Friday and see Shane on Saturday.

Speaker 3 There's no way they could afford that. I think it fucking sucks.
So

Speaker 3 I wish they communicated to go, hey, this guy's in town shooting. Can we reserve this, you know, this weekend? If we could, skip it or come back to it.

Speaker 2 I'm complaining about something that didn't happen, though.

Speaker 3 No, no, no. I do think it affected the way that I moved at the end, moved tickets at the end.

Speaker 2 Oh, I see.

Speaker 3 Do you know what I mean? Like, it definitely changed people.

Speaker 2 The first time I played the Philadelphia Helium.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I love that club.

Speaker 2 I showed up at the club. I'm not kidding you.
It's not an exaggeration. I showed up at the first show on a Friday night.
There were seven people.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Right.

Speaker 2 And I kind of looked around and go, oh, I guess it's, I'm not big here.

Speaker 2 They're like, oh, no, it's just literally right across the street. Chappelle's there.

Speaker 2 And I go,

Speaker 2 oh, I got booked. Right.

Speaker 2 And then the second show was full, and and half the audience was like, oh, we saw the Chappelle show earlier. We came to Bo.
That's pretty rad. Still, the first show, I was going to kill myself.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I understand what you're saying.

Speaker 3 Well,

Speaker 3 when you're fighting upstream, because

Speaker 3 people can't see both, and he takes a lot. I mean, he's so famous.
Shane's the best. He's the biggest.

Speaker 2 So it's, you know, you can't fight that.

Speaker 3 But anyway, it was a good weekend in Minneapolis. I love, I love Minneapolis, although I was scared to come home once again.

Speaker 2 Because of the flights. Bro.
I had turbulence last night.

Speaker 3 But it's getting out of control. It is.

Speaker 2 Today. How many? Another cache?

Speaker 3 No, no, no, dude. A Southwest plane almost hit a private jet today.

Speaker 2 Today.

Speaker 2 Today.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. Look at this near miss.

Speaker 3 It's landing or taking off.

Speaker 3 It's landing, and

Speaker 3 is that it? The jets right there. Yeah, the jet's right there.
Look at that. It's landing, and the jet is coming.
And so he took off again.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Is it the

Speaker 2 what do we call the people of the tower?

Speaker 3 The FA, well, Well, no, the control tower?

Speaker 2 Yeah, the control tower? Control tower. Tower people.
Control tower people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Air control. Is it their fault? What is going on here?

Speaker 3 I don't know, man. Something's going on, though.
Like, do you not believe that?

Speaker 2 That could have been a disaster, dude. Yeah, everybody dead.
Everyone dead.

Speaker 3 How is this not?

Speaker 2 Yeah, do we think something's going on?

Speaker 3 Can we make up a conspiracy, please? Did they fire all of the air controls?

Speaker 2 FAA people. Okay, I have a conspiracy.
Is that real?

Speaker 2 I have a conspiracy.

Speaker 2 And I think it's connected, so hear me out, guys. I heard your joke.

Speaker 2 And I'm sorry they didn't laugh. It's okay.

Speaker 2 I didn't like it.

Speaker 2 Just please. Okay.

Speaker 2 Your resentment right now is so evident.

Speaker 2 You're gaslighting me, dude. You're trying to get me resentment.

Speaker 2 Look, we know they're not high now.

Speaker 3 Andrew, Andrew, was that gaslighting? No, there was no lighting there.

Speaker 2 Thank you. There was no lighting.
From Andrew.

Speaker 4 By mistake, I thought I saw a little light.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's no light.

Speaker 2 And if you saw one, it was dim.

Speaker 3 Sodi! Sodi!

Speaker 2 Sit down, you dumb-dumb.

Speaker 3 No, you're not a dumb, dumb, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Yeah, he's one of the dumbest, dude. He's one of the dumbest on earth.

Speaker 3 You really think that? Yeah. He's one of the smartest dudes in comedy.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 No. You're right.

Speaker 2 All right. Let me finish this point and then we'll get to you.
Yeah. Dan Soder.
Yeah, dude. Love you.
I love you, too.

Speaker 2 The last time we did a gig together, you weren't that nice to me. Bullshit.
That is 100% your head. But there's no real this.
Well, yeah, because it was two gigs we hung out with. I know.

Speaker 2 Where was it? On the Burt tour. On the Burt tour.
So it's chaos. You're just in the middle of it.
Yeah, but I try to start conversations. There's no dick locking.
No, no, no. I want to dick lock in.

Speaker 2 First off, I'll dock with you all day. He will.

Speaker 2 Go get Foreskin put on my penis in order to dock. Wow.
I'll do it whatever the reverse. You know what I believe you? Whatever the reverse is.
Let me finish my theory here, Dan, and we'll get to you.

Speaker 2 Okay. All right.

Speaker 3 Anyway. This is good.
You're going to want to hear this.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So I think the reason why there's a connection between the flights, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Getting in these accidents.

Speaker 3 All the flight crashes.

Speaker 2 And the drones that we saw a month ago.

Speaker 2 Oh, the Chinese drones yeah wasn't there a lot of drones a couple of months ago yeah yeah yeah around right new jersey right new jersey it was it was in california as well it was everywhere really yeah

Speaker 2 there i could there be a uh a link there you think something in alien airspace something ufo airspace would it what what what could it be are you thinking like the drones are causing the accidents maybe there's a connection is all i'm saying i like that you're saying it like a cia guy where you go there could be a connection

Speaker 2 i'm not saying affirmative i'm not saying negative you ever see zero dark 30, brother?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Have you seen Zero Dark 30? Yeah.
I haven't. You haven't? No.
There's another documentary called Manhunt. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, guess who caught?

Speaker 2 Who did they track? Let me ask you. Who do they track to get to Osama bin Laden?

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 2 Right? The courier.

Speaker 3 The mail delivery guy?

Speaker 2 No, he used one guy for information. So there was one guy that would drive to his Abu Ahmed al-Qawa.
Abu Mama Gongwal. Yeah.
Right. That dude?

Speaker 3 Right. Is that Amir K?

Speaker 2 It is Amir Kay.

Speaker 2 And now he's doing stand-ups. And he's very successful.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 What a second act. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right, right, right. Just being a hilarious stand-up comic.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, I used a courier for a song of it. In a movie, I would cast Michael Pena, I think.

Speaker 3 100% looks like Michael Pena.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yes. And not Amir Kay.

Speaker 3 No, it'd be Michael Pena.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, I mean, anyway, so I think there. So in the

Speaker 2 one lady in the cia was like we i think we should track the courier and everyone was like no no no no no right but that ended up being the truth yeah and she didn't even really know what the connection was but she followed a gun instinct i think that's what i'm doing with the fucking drones there so your instinct is that the drones are making the planes crash i don't know exactly the connection between them but there's a gun instinct there you just feel like it is

Speaker 2 i feel like yeah

Speaker 2 i feel like it is yeah what's your theory soter i don't know these plane crashes are crazy how many are happening there was also an avoided one did you guys see the one we just talked we just talked about that just now yeah that i have whenever something like this happens i immediately empathize with the other plane just like remember when the uh bridge in baltimore where the boat drove into the bridge yeah dude just this moment of like i don't know i don't know anything about it please explain to me that catastrophe there was a boat that like it was like one of those uh short stack boats almost like uh you can bring it up i want i want the clinical version of the boat because i don't get shorts i don't even know what that means i made that up oh that see it's like a carrier, a freighter boat.

Speaker 2 Freighter boat ran into a bridge. Dark Knight.
They had those in the Dark Knight.

Speaker 2 A Dark Knight boat. Dark Night boat.
I call it a Dark Knight boat. In the biz, we call it a Dark Night.

Speaker 2 Remember in the Dark Night, the first Batman movie, wasn't there like a thing where he first goes, I'm Batman, which is a dead-on impression. Yeah, that was perfect.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think it was really Christian Banner. So thank you.

Speaker 3 These are called container ships.

Speaker 2 Container ships. But doesn't that sound more made up than short stack?

Speaker 2 I know. It sounds like bullshit.
Mine was completely made up. Shortstack sounds great.

Speaker 2 short stack i call brad william shortstack

Speaker 2 right right so that's my nickname for him but my point is is that so what happened here so this this like uh this

Speaker 2 boat went into the bridge and you see it at night it like shuts the lights off and it fucks shit up with a few people on the road i don't know i don't know if anyone died in that no people did die a few people did die yeah yeah the cars yeah the few people around no one on the boat died and all the containers were safe by the way but everyone likes to go like oh terrorists this was a terrorist attack or whatever but just like the small jet that almost got hit this time, just like a guy being an idiot, fucking being like, fuck, fuck, fuck, dude, is that is that fucking plane about to take off?

Speaker 2 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. It's like coming down, and you're like, it's a fuck, fuck.
And someone's just yelling your name in your ear, going, like, body, body.

Speaker 2 I've said that when I was entering a woman's vagina. What the fuck? Yeah, that's a fuck fuck.
Yeah, no, but no, in a panic like that. Like, I shouldn't be doing it.
Oh, right?

Speaker 2 You know, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Ah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 And then somebody dies.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Have you ever had sex with somebody you didn't want to have sex with?

Speaker 2 I don't know how to answer that.

Speaker 2 Do you mean like, just like

Speaker 2 I wasn't physically attracted to?

Speaker 2 No, but you just knew that they were little cray cray. You know, sometimes

Speaker 2 you're like, what's going to happen once I enter this? That's my early

Speaker 2 20s, brother. Yeah, man.
Yeah, yeah. I don't know if you've ever been to Tucson, Arizona.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brother, brother, tell me about it, bro.
I was living it.

Speaker 3 Did you have any

Speaker 3 double XL? Did you ever go down that road? Anybody heavy?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I like a larger lady.

Speaker 3 I mean, double XL.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. Like,

Speaker 2 vastly outweighing the shit.

Speaker 2 So I have a way. You're a big dude.
And I'm not lying. I had sex with one time many, many, many years ago with a 400-pound woman.
That is, that's not, I don't think that's physically possible.

Speaker 2 That happened in Phoenix 20 years ago. Did they have to lower you down? I never hooked it up.
Did they have to lower you down? Do you want to enter her? I don't know if it's a hookup.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a hook down. It's a hook down.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but she goes, it was like a medical procedure. She said, I'm going to lay on my back.
Then you're going to enter me. And

Speaker 2 I did it, though.

Speaker 2 Like a soldier.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you went through with it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because sometimes, you know, you're nom,

Speaker 2 right? You're in Hamburger Hill.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're really going to keep going through it. Right.
And your sergeant goes, we got to fucking take over this hill. And you're up first.
And

Speaker 2 you don't want to. But you end up up there anyway.
And you get friends slaughtered and whatnot. But you're still fighting for your life.
Yeah. Blackhawk down.

Speaker 2 Blackhawk down.

Speaker 2 Say it's so asian black hock down

Speaker 2 yeah black hawk down

Speaker 2 you know i recently saw the netflix documentary on it yeah and i re-watched the movie are you getting like third-hand ptsd from these movies

Speaker 2 yeah you're coming back so anyway um oh yeah so i that's what i did with this lady how was it um 400s had pretty big i mean you did have sex with a water bed yeah yeah

Speaker 2 well at that see the thing is at that time this is pre-mad TV oh before you got on Yeah, so before I got on. Let me tell you.

Speaker 3 She liked you for who you really were.

Speaker 2 Through a. Yeah, well, she saw me MC the improv in Tempe.
She's eating a bucket of chicken, a nice Saturday night special, and a Mad TV comes on, and she goes, oh.

Speaker 2 Yeah. My little lover.
My little...

Speaker 2 Are you sure?

Speaker 2 My little spelunker. But here's the sad part of the story, and I feel so bad about it.
And I think about it all the time, and I feel so bad about it. Nick! Nicotine pouches!

Speaker 3 You heard us talking about Nick before. Right here, baby.

Speaker 3 Taking nicotine pouches to the next level. These are the pouches that we be using over here at Bad.

Speaker 2 We be using all day, every day.

Speaker 3 They got citrus ice, berry, lemon ice, spearmint, and winter green.

Speaker 2 They do have winter green. They also have strawberry, watermelon, ice, baby.

Speaker 3 It's a step above any other pouch because they use the best ingredients for a cleaner, more refined experience. And we're refined.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we are. And if you're on a journey to quit nicotine, Nick gives you full control of your experience.

Speaker 2 They're even launching a new zero milligram option soon, helping you gradually reduce your nicotine usage at your pace.

Speaker 3 That's pretty great. If you're trying to kick chewing tobacco, traditional smoking products, or vape, nicked flavors hit just right.
Okay.

Speaker 3 Some of these pouches that we've got here right in front of you, very, very good crisp mint, by the way. The tropical ice is probably the most favorite.

Speaker 3 Everyone wants to grab one of those when they come through the studio. So it's time to upgrade to nicked nicotine pouches, just like we did.

Speaker 2 Right now, our listeners get 35% off when you order our exclusive URL, nickedpouches.com/slash bad friends.

Speaker 3 That's nykdpouches.com slash bad friends. And you can use this code up to three times.
Don't wake. Get 35% off now at nykdpouches.com slash bad friends.

Speaker 3 And check out the bad friends bundle with our favorite flavors.

Speaker 2 That's nickedpouches.com slash bad friends.

Speaker 3 Nick pouches are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning this product contains nicotine.
Nicotine is an addictive chemical. DraftKings Sportsbook.

Speaker 3 Hey, when it comes to college basketball and March Mania, one thing is for sure. Nothing.
is for sure. That's right.
Upsets, buzzer beaters, Cinderella's advancing, going to the dance.

Speaker 3 Top seeds going home early. It's all going to happen.
You're going to see it. We've already seen some top teams get knocked off in the last couple of nights, some upsets.

Speaker 3 It's been tough and rough for some of us.

Speaker 3 You can bet on the unexpected, that's for sure. Every day you can do this with DraftKings Sportsbook.

Speaker 3 With live betting, exclusive content, promos, and parlays, DraftKings is the ultimate college basketball destination for March. First time, here's something special just for you.

Speaker 3 New DraftKings customers bet five bucks. You can bet just five bucks to get $200 in bonus bets instantly.
Come on, Friends.

Speaker 3 Look, my old man with the University of Tennessee, they are humming along this year. I got a couple of shekels on University of Tennessee.
I'm not saying you should do that.

Speaker 3 I'm saying that's what I'm doing. Not telling you how to bet, just telling you where I'll be putting my bets.
Bet the unexpected with DraftKings Sportsbook.

Speaker 3 Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code BAD Friends. That's code Bad Friends for new customers to get $200 in bonus bets when you bet just five bucks.
Only on DraftKings.

Speaker 3 The crown is yours. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York.
Call 8778-HOTENY or text Hope NY-467-369. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling.
Call 888-789-7777.

Speaker 3 Or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly on behalf of Boudille Casino and Resort in Kansas.
21 plus age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Avoid in Ontario.
New customers only.

Speaker 3 Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance for additional terms of responsible gaming resources. See DKNG.co/slash audio.

Speaker 2 And I've never shared it on group level. I don't even know if I should.
Go on. But I'm going to do do it anyway.
Right.

Speaker 2 So years later, when I was kind of, I got on mad, this and that, I redid the room, I think, as I was featuring for someone big. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And I don't know why, but I was walking. You know, when they bring you up, I was walking toward the stage.
Somebody grabbed my jacket or my shirt, long sheet shirt, and I look over and it's her. No.

Speaker 2 I just see this fat hand on my.

Speaker 2 How strong was that grip? You know what? How strong was that grip? Was it like a gorilla grabbed you? Or walrus.

Speaker 2 Flipper. It was a walrus flipper.
You know when animal trainers realize that it's out of control? Yeah, dude. Like Bobby gave one of those where he goes, give it back.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 We're not playing anymore. Kiko.
Kiko, stop. Kiko, stop.

Speaker 2 No, it was more like a leper grabbing you back in the day. Oh, I.
You were like,

Speaker 2 I did this. I went,

Speaker 2 I pulled it away like that. Yeah.
And then after my set, I ran down out so she couldn't grab me. Damn.
And I stayed in the green room so I wouldn't run into it. I feel so bad about it.

Speaker 3 She was clawing at the door. Yeah.
Can you hear it like a dog

Speaker 2 smelling you up at the door? What's your fattest, you think? Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 2 I don't know. You know, I'm over 200, so I would imagine probably over that.

Speaker 2 What do you hover at?

Speaker 2 I walk around at 215. Do you really? I would like to be 210.

Speaker 3 What are you 6'3?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
That's good. Yeah, but

Speaker 2 nothing extreme.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You've never, have you ever been like embarrassed? When you step on the scale, have you ever been like, geez, Stan?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 What was the, what was the geezer stand?

Speaker 2 240. Whoa.
And it was just like after a breakup and it was just sweet season. I just quit drinking.
Yeah. I'd quit drinking like a couple years before and then it was just like eating everything.

Speaker 2 Sweet seasons.

Speaker 3 Do you never had a sweet season when you quit doing drugs and alcohol?

Speaker 2 You're not really a sweets guy.

Speaker 3 You like, what is it, savory over sweet, right?

Speaker 2 That's interesting that you say that because you're absolutely wrong.

Speaker 3 Really? I don't know you'd eat a lot of sweets.

Speaker 2 Whenever we get to zero, I hide it you do you secret sweetie bot yeah yeah i do

Speaker 2 i have a drawer in my bedroom with um gummy colas great right i've never seen you be a sweets boy and then i have bags of these like candies with like salt in it in the middle of it oh so it's sweet and savory yeah yeah right you know what your little your your candy

Speaker 2 the mexican like when they they use the mango and they put that stuff what's it called what are you talking about baby bobby's oh oh oh you're talking about um

Speaker 2 tajin yes yeah that's it

Speaker 2 in the middle yeah so it's like got a little spice a little bit of spice yeah you know it's funny dude because whenever we go eat you you like the savory stuff and then when we get dessert you'll take a bite but but you're not like a you know the reason why i take a bite huh i have bites at home yeah you do in the hotel room you're goddamn right

Speaker 2 how do you fucking know are you a secrets lady i'm i'm out in the open with it yeah brother i live it it's easter season so i'm in i'm in knee deep in the shit they're doing jelly beans i just picked up two bags of jelly beans didn't even mean to what What?

Speaker 2 Wow. Because you got Jolly Rancher.
It's Easter season. So everyone's doing their, like, their jelly bean.
I got Jolly Rancher and Airhead jelly bean. Wow.

Speaker 3 I'm a savory guy, dude. Late night, I want to.
I know that about it.

Speaker 2 I want a food food. Yeah, because you drink.
You're getting all your sugar through the booze. That's it.
When you cut it, that's when you want that. That's what it is.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I didn't give a shit about sweets when I drank.

Speaker 3 I mean, I still like having a little bit of sweet tooth thing. When we go out to eat, I always have a little bit of dessert.

Speaker 2 Took down a mini bag of Cadbury eggs. Bad boy, dude.
Just fucking landed and thought, why not?

Speaker 2 I want to say something to you. I've always thought this, and I don't want to be rude.
Oh, man. Erica.
And I want to cause any friction. I think it's going to do both.
No, I don't think so.

Speaker 2 I think I'm being very unmindful about it. But it's an

Speaker 2 observation that I've had over the years. I've never been brave enough to tell you.

Speaker 2 But you're one of those comics. Like, if you didn't do comedy, I just don't know.
Oh, would I do? Yeah, yeah, you know what? You, I have a prediction what you would have been doing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know, yeah. So, you know, you go to Soho and they have those boutique shops, it's always some sort of like arbitrary, like, name, like FZZNY.

Speaker 2 I love FZZ, yeah, yeah,

Speaker 2 let's go into the Zinni or whatever, right? Visini's, and then you go in there, and there's like this guy, he looks like a John Wick villain.

Speaker 2 He's got a black overcoat, oh, yeah, right, and just like tattoos on the neck, eyeliner, yeah, eyeliner, a lot of jewelry, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I I don't know how much they make.
Probably not good.

Speaker 2 Who cares? Who cares? That's what you'd be doing. I can't think of something that is more opposite of who I am as a human being.
No, I'm saying you are. I've never seen

Speaker 2 just an insane miss like that. That is, you have, you have, you know, you have zero working knowledge of me as a human being.
I know.

Speaker 2 If you think I'm anywhere close, I have dressed the same like I'm moving since I was 12 years old. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't understand.

Speaker 2 I don't understand. What I'm saying to you, Dan.
He's a labor baby. I would never wear rings.
I can't wear a watch. No, he's not.
I have thin wrists. This is information I was not privy to.

Speaker 2 Well, guess what, brother? Before you diagnose, take a look at the x-ray. Because I'm sitting right here.
I'm a kind of doctor where I don't look at that. No, you don't.

Speaker 2 You come and you go, it's turning. I'm a diagnoser.
You go, it's cancer. And they go, it's it.
And you go, could be, though. Yeah, yeah, it could be.
Always could be.

Speaker 3 Dr. Lee, this is a dentist's office.

Speaker 2 He's got stomach cancer, I can tell. Yeah, yeah.
Sorry.

Speaker 3 Soder, I think, would be. Thank you.
Here we go. You'd be a laborer of some some kind.
I could see you.

Speaker 2 I would be getting in trouble for being funny.

Speaker 3 Correct. On a site.
On a job site.

Speaker 2 Somewhere where I'd have to be somewhat serious. I would be getting in trouble for taking fun.

Speaker 3 I could see you getting tied up with Ringling Brothers and you assembling part of the tents and also announcing stuff.

Speaker 2 I honestly... That's way close.
You put me on the mic for the fucking flying Giuseppes or whoever. Whoever's in sequins doing flips in the air.
And I get to build a tent. Yeah, he killed it.

Speaker 2 And then I make a mistake.

Speaker 2 And then a couple families.

Speaker 3 And then it's back to the railroads. Yeah.
You know, you're

Speaker 3 not.

Speaker 2 If I got my four roses, you know, my little flask of whiskey and my traveling jacket.

Speaker 2 Dude, I have another observation. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm so sorry. He goes,

Speaker 2 you and your dad are best friends. That was very good.
That's very good what you said.

Speaker 2 I know so. He also seems like this guy, right? Where you meet a girl.
Yeah. A beautiful girl.
Right. Yeah.
And you go, hey, you want to go on date? She goes, I have a boyfriend. Right.

Speaker 2 And then when you actually meet, it's like him. Yeah.
And I'm like, what the fuck are you dating this guy for? That's okay. Am I right? Warm.
Am I getting warm? Yeah. Very warm.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I understand it now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know you have a girlfriend. A wife.
I have a fiancé. Fiancé.
Yeah. I understand it now.
Like, I understand Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis with his girl, the influencer lady.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Would have never made sense in any other scenario. Besides what?

Speaker 2 Besides famous comic influencer. I don't think so.
You don't know. You underestimate Shane.
Yeah. I knew him before.
I knew

Speaker 2 he was deep in hot chicks before? Before he got bit by the radioactive spider and he became Shane Man. Okay.
He he's dude. He's charming.
He's low-key. He's low-key a cutie pie.
You're missing.

Speaker 3 Revadi Mith's famed. No, okay.
How about this?

Speaker 3 You're missing a few key points, by the way. You go to the Midwest.
You go to the Midwest. You see beautiful women with big guys, guys.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I'm like, like Canada.
And I'm going to tell you right now, I used to go with Shane. Shane used to go on the road with me and feature for me.

Speaker 2 And when we would go to like Boston or something like that,

Speaker 2 boy would, we were both single, boy would clean up. Yeah.
Because the ladies would be like, ooh, I want me a pale daddy. Right.
And he'd be like, shut up, you're gay. And they'd be like, ooh,

Speaker 2 I need them freckles. And he'd be like,

Speaker 2 he looks like a white guy that's been in water, like a dead corpse. Oh, my God.
Are you calling him bloated? No, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying the eyes bulge like it's been like in a swamp.

Speaker 2 I got to tell you something right now. I'm wrong.

Speaker 3 He's going to come get you. You don't want that.

Speaker 3 You want to start this war, dude?

Speaker 2 You are calling on. You're yelling at a clown.
He kicks me up. You're yelling at a cloud.
He's a little boy.

Speaker 2 And I like it.

Speaker 2 And we have that relationship, right? I'm not, you know, Shane, if you're listening right now, or if you get this clip, he will. I'm just, I give you props all day long.

Speaker 2 You're one of the funniest comics on planet Earth, right? You're the king. Yeah.
And you deserve all your success. That's not what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 But you're saying, you have like, you know, like, you know, in Lord of the Rings, like maybe the second or third movie, right? Remember Frodo and those guys went to the

Speaker 2 swamp? Yeah. And Gollum's like, don't look in the water.

Speaker 3 Who's in the water?

Speaker 2 These dead elves from like thousands of years ago. Oh my God.
You know what I mean? That's all I'm saying. Just don't look in the water.
You're starting a war. Yeah, I'm not starting a war.

Speaker 2 Anyway, I didn't mean it in a bad way.

Speaker 2 The Soho store is just crazy.

Speaker 2 Whenever I go to those stores, I

Speaker 2 look at the guy and I go, oh, there's a version of Dan Sarner. That's what you think? Damn.
What are you doing?

Speaker 2 Why can't you back me once? Because I think you're insanely.

Speaker 2 You're fucked up.

Speaker 2 You're out of bounds. Don't do that.
I'm sorry. Don't do that.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I'm over here fucking doing it.
I'm over here saving you from a war. I'm tired of being bullied by people like you.
I'm saving you from a war.

Speaker 2 I tried to fucking befriend you at the tour.

Speaker 1 See what he's doing.

Speaker 3 See what he's doing? I see it. Yeah.
I'm tired of being bullied by you after you just went after him and then Shane Gillis.

Speaker 2 Oh, really? You're black.

Speaker 2 You're bullied. I'm fascinated.
You're awesome. It's fascinating.
You're 100% bullied. I'm being honest.

Speaker 3 You're mad that the Soho thing didn't land, and then you bullied Shane Gillis.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You went after my friend.

Speaker 3 You're the bully, dude.

Speaker 2 Well, the next time I say a thing, disagree with me.

Speaker 2 You know what? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Maybe that's the new rule. Let's both be.

Speaker 2 Bobby,

Speaker 2 I'm down, but let's make this cool on all of us. All right.
Go ahead. This is like turn to negotiate.

Speaker 2 We're all going to be cool. We're going to be cool.
We're all going to be cool. We're going to make a point we can all agree on.
Okay. That's right.

Speaker 3 Thank you. A point we can all agree on.
Ready?

Speaker 2 Do you think everything you say I agree with? No.

Speaker 2 I always laugh and I always agree. Yeah.
Why? That's what friendship is all about. All right.
I know your diabolical East Coast fucking way of thinking. What?

Speaker 3 Can I say something? I know what's going on.

Speaker 2 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 3 Something happened on the Burt tour between you guys that's unresolved.

Speaker 2 No, we had fun. Was it when I hurt my lip? You hurt your lip, but you were gone.
That's hilarious. But when you texted you, I'm one of the only people that texted you.

Speaker 2 When you called me as Ralph Barbosa, I picked up and I said I was one of the only people that texted you. Okay.

Speaker 3 You busted your lip and said.

Speaker 2 On the tour bus. On the tour bus.
Yeah. Yeah, we were on our way to Florida.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And we were in Florida. I feel like you were one of the last people to text.
I think that's what it was. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 I would honestly check the receipt. I think I.
Now, I'm just testing you. You're supposed to agree with me.
I thought the rule was.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Bobby. I was testing him.
He doesn't follow the rules. Bobby, look at me.
I'm sorry. That was on me.
There we go.

Speaker 2 It's as easy as that.

Speaker 3 Give me something to agree with.

Speaker 2 We're back in. Right? Dax Flame definitely has a bigger penis in you.
Than me? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's C? Yeah. Is it true? I don't know.
You know what? I don't care. Because that kind of loyalty.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's where it is.

Speaker 2 Fuck the truth. I'd rather have that.
There it is.

Speaker 2 I want you to be loyal. Got it.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And I will agree with everything you say. Say something that I might not agree with, but I'll agree with it.
Honestly, I think gummy sodas kind of suck.

Speaker 2 I agree. And whenever I'm eating them, I don't even understand why the white son of my mouth.

Speaker 2 Do you understand how yeast that is? Yeah, throw it back to me. Yeah, that's it.
You? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good exercise.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You look like a.

Speaker 2 All right. No.
No, let him go. You look like a fluffer in gay porn.
Yeah, absolutely. Strong jaw, looking like I'm just getting big gay rods.
It's called it stiff. It's called

Speaker 2 adding information and agreeing. Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes, I am.

Speaker 2 Now do one back to him.

Speaker 2 I'm just going to say it right now. It shouldn't be illegal to eat a homeless person's ass.
It should not be. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I went for a nighttime walk. I go for a nighttime walk a lot, and I go for a a nighttime walk in the same little stretch of area by my neighborhood.

Speaker 3 And this homeless guy must have heard me like talking on the phone.

Speaker 2 And he yelled out, I live here.

Speaker 3 And I felt bad.

Speaker 2 I was like, sorry.

Speaker 2 I said, sorry.

Speaker 2 Where does he stay?

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 3 by the L.A. River, there's like a walking path.

Speaker 3 And people, there's like tents that are up underneath, tucked under. You can't see them.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But he's right. He does live there.
I was talking loud. He does live there.

Speaker 2 And i apologized the thought of him in makeshift reading glasses reading the back of a label and him going will you shut the up yeah i'm reading he's mixing chemicals i live here i'm trying to make a new form of hooch he's reading dostoevsky he's like anyway it was kolnikov really didn't have to murder that lady he did call the cops and get him removed yeah got to clean up the streets yeah nice can't put up with that dude now how do you feel about the homeless how do i feel about me a genuine yeah

Speaker 3 well he doesn't see them now in new york They're all hibernating.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they're all in the tunnels. Yeah, where do they go? In the tunnels, honestly, you don't know.

Speaker 2 It's just like, it's like a crisp, it's like a crisp fall day, and then they're just, where are they?

Speaker 2 And then it gets hot, and then you're like, oh, I can't walk my maybe they're frozen and they thaw. That might be.
You go, seasons are changing. They're starting.
Help me. Yeah.
Reanimate. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then now it's March. Yeah, and they do the position.

Speaker 2 Yeah. March.

Speaker 2 Yeah, exactly. I live here.
That's it. Yeah, yeah.
You just did the detawing of a homeless man. Perfect.
And that's Comedy 101. That's called a call.
And that's what we do here at Bad Friends.

Speaker 2 And that's how talented he is.

Speaker 3 By the way, that's this Encino Man. We just did the movie Incineroar.

Speaker 2 Don't, don't, please don't do this. Everything's fitted for a reboot right now.
Dude, thank you.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Tell me Bobby Lee and the Brendan Fraser role.
You would be in the great Encino Man. You as the new weasel? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's go.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's let's talk about what they should remake.

Speaker 2 Ah, yeah, okay. Can we talk about what movies they should remake?

Speaker 3 I'm gonna go down the same line of where we already are. One of my favorite movies that's underrated, airheads.

Speaker 2 I fucking would love a new airhead, but how do you do airheads? Radio doesn't matter anymore. Podcasts.
Oh, they like, they like take over.

Speaker 2 I never saw airheads.

Speaker 2 Oh, you would love it. Brendan Frazier.
You got Adam Sandler. Sandler, dude.

Speaker 3 Who Shemmy? So these three guys are like, they're a shitty band, and they badly want to get on the radio.

Speaker 3 Back when, like, if you get your record played once, it was like you were home free on a radio.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And they decide they're going to hijack a local radio station because they just can't get any fucking radio play. And it's basically die hard at a radio station.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's amazing.
It's fucking. But they're the bad guys.
The good guys are the bad guys. They're like idiots.
They take over the radio. But you root for them because they're so downtried.

Speaker 2 Let's remake Airheads. This is us, by the way.

Speaker 3 Soder is obviously Frasier. You're the tallest.
I'm Sandler and you're Bushami.

Speaker 2 I mean, let's do it. What about remaking Gremlins? Love it.

Speaker 2 How about one and two? Let's give me the whole franchise. Let's start with one.
Yeah, let's head with one. Start two for anybody who's.
I'll tell you right now, I'm so.

Speaker 2 I want to be a Mogwai.

Speaker 3 You are a fucking Mogwai.

Speaker 2 Honestly, if they ever do a reboot and you're not voicing the Mogwai, someone's missing baits. I want to be there.

Speaker 2 Put fur

Speaker 2 on

Speaker 2 what about goonies? No. Ah, I can't touch that.
Can't.

Speaker 2 It's pitch perfect.

Speaker 3 It's also because that childhood fantasy of like neighborhood play. I don't even know if people do that.
I don't know if kids do that. Like go to the

Speaker 3 kids.

Speaker 2 Do kids get in trouble in the morning? Did you see the lady in Georgia that got arrested because your son walked like half a mile to a store?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I saw that. She's insane.
Insane. 10 years old.
She was charged, right? Yeah.

Speaker 3 A child endangerment.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the kids wouldn't do it, so that's why it wouldn't make any sense. They call it amazing.
They call that free-range parenting now. What? When you just let your kid be a kid.

Speaker 2 When you're not helicoptering anymore, now it's called free-range. I ran away from home for a week.
I'm not kidding you. My parents didn't go to the cops.
Why would they?

Speaker 2 Because they just knew you were going to come back. I came in the house after a week.
My dad goes, huddle.

Speaker 2 And I go, all right. That's the reception?

Speaker 3 It is funny that it was such a not big. There were kids that I knew growing up whose parents were real, real like loosey-goosey, you know?

Speaker 2 Dude, I had a friend that didn't have to check in with his parents to sleep over.

Speaker 3 Just could just do it.

Speaker 2 He could turn the key and launch it himself. So you go, you want to sleep over? He goes, yeah, you're going to call her? He goes, what for? I don't want to bug him.
Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I think they probably. You know where she is.

Speaker 3 She's at the casino anyway.

Speaker 2 She's up in Blackhawk.

Speaker 2 This is a controversial

Speaker 2 I feel like the bullying that I received was necessary. Yes.

Speaker 3 When you were a kid.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Put your head in this toilet. You're not going to be able to breathe for two minutes.

Speaker 3 You never got a swirly in real life. What?

Speaker 2 You never got a swirly. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I was locked. Like old school, I was locked in in a locker for four hours.
No way. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 It was one of those half lockers, so I had to crouch.

Speaker 2 It was insane. What grade?

Speaker 3 Ninth.

Speaker 2 No, even younger, like probably second grade or third grade. Freshman year.

Speaker 3 Freshman year sounds like exactly what's happening.

Speaker 2 And I definitely heard teachers walk by and I was screaming and they didn't even help me.

Speaker 3 Well, you hear teachers like, is Bobby Lee in there? That's so funny. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Go to lounge, go to lounge.

Speaker 2 I just feel like that

Speaker 2 sort of like made me strong enough to do comedy on Los Angeles. Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2 Do Do you know there's kids that are like, they're giving Ozempic to like fat kids now, and you're like, no, no, no, you're going to, you're not going to have funny people when you grow up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, let them level out. Right.
Let them be fat and weird and awkward.

Speaker 2 Dude, you want that. I'm doing it again.
I don't know why you're doing it. Honestly, I'm trying to agree with you.

Speaker 2 You know what? I'm trying to bring down the king.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah, I'm willing to do it.

Speaker 3 You know, it's hard to bring down the king when you're a rook.

Speaker 2 Damn. Did you just write that? Yeah.
Did you just write that? Thank you, Doug. Did you fucking do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I'll be honest with you. Did you just spit that off the top of your head?

Speaker 2 The last gig that he did.

Speaker 2 Did you do the show? The last gig? The Will Turn one with Bill Aburra and Shane Gillis.

Speaker 3 I did that show, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I wasn't asked.

Speaker 3 Oh, they told me why they didn't ask.

Speaker 3 Because it was a strict timeline they had to keep, and they were like, will Bob be on time to sing? I said, no, no chance.

Speaker 3 Damn.

Speaker 2 That hurts me so bad, dude, that you wouldn't.

Speaker 2 That's really hurtful.

Speaker 3 That's not true.

Speaker 3 They didn't ask.

Speaker 2 They would never ask me. That's my point.
Bullshit. So I'm going to tell us to change.
This is bullshit. It's not.
Fuck you.

Speaker 2 Welcome to the show, and thanks for doing it. Yeah, absolutely.
Thanks for having me.

Speaker 2 I'm in a mood. I'm sorry.
And honestly, I love it. It's like holding a cat with its claws out.

Speaker 2 Exactly. That's so sweet.
That's good. That's good.
Trying to keep you away from the problem, Eric. Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's good. That's good.
That's good.

Speaker 2 I have problems with some other kings here, man.

Speaker 2 If we're doing this, let's Dio Hughley, Steve Harvey. I have problems with them.
All of the leaders,

Speaker 2 I have problems with them as well. And rest in peace.
Yeah, yeah. Bernie Mack.
Bernie Man. The king of all kings.
Yeah. The true king of killing.
Who has bulgi eyes? The true king of kings. Right.

Speaker 2 Who has bulgiers like somebody else we know?

Speaker 2 What are you doing, bro? Who are you talking about? I'm telling you, we hold counsel with the man. Okay, and you're coming.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 sometimes Slovenia needs to start a war with the United States. No? No, they don't.
That's a terrible fucking idea. That's something you say coming out of a nap.

Speaker 2 Shopify.

Speaker 2 Guess what? Guess what?

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 what? What?

Speaker 3 Okay. Sometimes it's a knock-knock, and I say knock-knock.

Speaker 2 Well, I'll tell you, we have the best online business because we use Shopify. That's exactly right.

Speaker 3 Shopify is home of the number one checkout on the planet.

Speaker 3 And by the way, when you think about businesses that are selling through the roof, like Aloe or Allbirds or Skims, sure, you think that's a great product, a cool brand, brilliant marketing, yada, yada, yada.

Speaker 3 But often overlooked, the secret is actually the businesses behind the business making selling for shoppers and buying very simple for millions of businesses. That business is Shopify.

Speaker 2 Nobody does selling better than Shopify. I'm telling you right now, home are the number one checkout on the planet.
And the not-so-secret secret with ShopPay, that boosts conversions up to 50%.

Speaker 3 That is so much. That means way less carts are going to go abandoned and way more sales going

Speaker 3 through the roof.

Speaker 2 Upgrade your business and get the same checkout as Allbirds or Aloe uses.

Speaker 3 Sign up for for your one dollar per month trial period at shopify.com slash bad friends that's all lowercase go to shopify.com slash lowercase bad friends to upgrade your selling today shopify.com slash

Speaker 3 friends manscaped hey spring cleaning isn't just for finally throwing out that orange mustard colored hoodie that i just can't let go because my nana gave it to me when i was a kid okay it's time to reset your grooming routine because let's face it your downstairs situation that basement huh it's uh it's looking anything like bobby's diet it's wild and unkempt and concerning.

Speaker 3 It's time for a serious trim. Manscape Beard and Balls Bundle has you covered from cheeks to hell.
Even that little patch of hair, Bobby still calls a mustache.

Speaker 3 You spent all winter looking like Andres if he let Bobby give him a haircut or if I went on a bender

Speaker 3 down in Key West. It's time to clean up.
Join over 12 million men worldwide who trust Manscape and use the code Bad Friends for 20% off plus free shipping at Manscaped.com.

Speaker 3 We've talked about Manscape on this show so much, man. With the all-in-one grooming, the Beard Hedger.
Keeps my beard looking crisp like a bloomed flower. Fresh in the spring, in the sun.

Speaker 3 Lawnmower 5.0 Ultra clears out the underbrush. That's what I use downstairs.
That's what cleans up, huh? I no longer have carpet down there. They don't match the drapes.

Speaker 3 It's hardwood floors, ladies and germs. They got skin safe technology.
You're not going to nick your nuts. I've told you that because I used to do that.

Speaker 3 You remember when you nicked your nuts in the shower? Unbelievable. Looked like a scene from Psycho.
Now they got precision lighting in the lawnmower. Comes with an LED spotlight.

Speaker 3 You can ensure you're getting every crevasse down there. Travel-friendly.
And risk-free trial for Manscaped offers a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Speaker 3 You can try the beards and balls bundle completely risk-free. Come on, what are you waiting for?

Speaker 3 Don't cut corners on your grooming routine. Upgrade the beard and balls bundle for Manscaped.
Visit manscaped.com. Use the code BadFriends to get 20% off plus-free shipping.

Speaker 3 Or if you need it today, you can find Manscaped at a store near you. Stay fresh this season for everyone's sake.
Level up your grooming game today.

Speaker 2 That's not something you're doing. You're right.
You're right. No, no, who's

Speaker 3 who you want to throw a stone at? I'm curious now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you said you wanted another king, another cow. Yeah, okay, I'll throw this out.
Billy Burr. Wow.
Yeah, he goes, his way of say, he's like, he'll call me kiddo.

Speaker 2 Right? Does he rub your head?

Speaker 3 You guys are the same age.

Speaker 2 I know, and he doesn't really,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Talk to me that much. Hey, what do you want to be when you grow up? Yeah.
See what he says?

Speaker 3 He doesn't talk to anybody that much. Bill is a very quiet.

Speaker 2 I don't like that.

Speaker 3 You wanted him to be more chatty? More chatty. Bill Burr to be more chatty.

Speaker 2 I love him. He loves you too.
We've worked together many times. Yeah.
Anyway, let's move on. Okay.

Speaker 3 Shots are fired.

Speaker 2 Shots are not fired. I mean, no? Why? Because I said that Shane Gillis is bloated looking.
How is that a shot fired?

Speaker 3 That's legitimately a shot fired. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 Is it not? Am I crazy?

Speaker 2 Of all weeks. He's hosting.
Okay, here we go. I know.
He's hosting SNL. That doesn't look Shane Gillis.
Oh, my God, dude.

Speaker 3 You're fucked.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Shout out.

Speaker 2 Imagine Anuda's beach and Shane Gillis at it. Bingo.

Speaker 2 Let me go to that. There he is.
I will say this.

Speaker 3 You are my best friend, and I love you so much. Don't go wrong.
I cannot wait for him to come back at you.

Speaker 2 Like, it's fucking honestly.

Speaker 3 It's going to be great.

Speaker 2 I just, I feel like a fur trapper that's come out of the mountains and told you, like, you don't want that war.

Speaker 3 Dude, you think that's Gilly.

Speaker 2 I'll give you some Sam Elliott knowledge right now and say, Bobby, sometimes you eat the bear.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 sometimes the bear eats you.

Speaker 2 That's not funny. That's not funny.
Yeah, the way you said it. Mike, do woo.

Speaker 2 Stop it. Fuck you.

Speaker 2 Thanks for coming.

Speaker 3 I'm loving whatever's going on.

Speaker 2 All right, so I'm going to say this. You're humming hot.
I'm humming hot right now. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm on fire, dude. You're pinned.

Speaker 2 I'm going to try to dig my way out.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 When that whole thing happened with Shane, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
I was the first one to defend him.

Speaker 2 Number two, the first time I saw him perform, I thought to myself, oh, well, I would never want to follow that.

Speaker 2 He's a beast. Yes.
He's an absolute beast.

Speaker 2 He's at the top of his game. Absolutely.
He's got a beautiful girlfriend, right? Yes.

Speaker 2 I know his dad.

Speaker 2 Love him. Phil's a legend.
Great guy. Right? Yeah.
I've been only respectful to his family.

Speaker 2 I did a little dick.

Speaker 2 I did a little.

Speaker 2 I did a little. I'm going to tell you right now, you moonwalking son of a bitch.

Speaker 2 Oh, I moonwalked, brother.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do.

Speaker 2 That might have saved you. Exactly.
You walk, walked. I walked, walked.
You walked walked. My point is that, and I only have the greatest admiration.
He's one of the kings of the world right now.

Speaker 2 He's a beast.

Speaker 2 And I discovered this when we did... No, please don't call him.

Speaker 2 I discovered this when me and Shane were guest stars on the Burton Tom show in Vegas. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I went up first, right? And he was supposed to go before me, and I switched it.

Speaker 2 I brought Shane on.

Speaker 2 And this is in front of 15, 20,000 seats. I was there.
Yeah, you were there.

Speaker 2 And when I said his name,

Speaker 2 the kind of response that he got went through my, I had a spiritual awakening.

Speaker 2 You felt that? Is that doubly your laugh? Yeah, that's a laugh. That made me laugh.
Good, good, good, good, good, good. Gilly.
All right.

Speaker 5 What up, bro?

Speaker 3 I want to tell you, you're on the pod and we can cut it for sure because I never want to trap you. But Soder's over here right now.

Speaker 3 Soder's in the studio.

Speaker 3 The man. And Bobby is over here.
He's on a hot one, he's talking shit about you. And we all we warned him, and I said, I'm not talking shit about you, dude.

Speaker 2 Go ahead and say it, dude.

Speaker 3 Go ahead and say what you got to say to Shane Gillis.

Speaker 2 Say it. I just said that you're one of the top comics on planet Earth.
You're one of the kings. No, what else? I know your dad.
I know your dad. No, it's not.
And I have great respect for you.

Speaker 2 Is that a slam?

Speaker 3 Doesn't sound like that's what you said.

Speaker 2 So I'll tell you what I said. All right.
I think you have bulgy eyes.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And sometimes you look bloated.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Is Is that war? Uh-oh. Is it war, Gillis?

Speaker 5 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 5 Me go to war with fucking Bobby Lee? No.

Speaker 2 Because you defeat me quickly.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I'm not. No, I think you're great, man.
I look forward to the special.

Speaker 3 See that, dude? He throws you a compliment. You insult me.

Speaker 2 I'm really doing. Oh, my God.
I feel so bad.

Speaker 3 That's the kind of guy Gillis is. Thank you, Shane.
Thank you, Shane. Love you, buddy.
Talk to you later.

Speaker 5 Hey, good luck, man. I wish you guys nothing but the best.
Bobby, keep it up, man. You're hilarious.

Speaker 2 I love you, Shane.

Speaker 2 dude that good a comedy and that good a person

Speaker 2 so you get a two for two oh my god

Speaker 2 you feel

Speaker 2 you know what though yeah yeah at least you're reflective of it that's even and the accountability i'll tell you another thing dude bro we're cutting all that out

Speaker 2 i have control of this podcast we're gonna cut all that out dude yeah he just sexted me what do you say tell him he's fucking dead.

Speaker 2 Yeah, fucking dead. Let me see it.

Speaker 3 Fucking dead.

Speaker 3 Totally.

Speaker 2 Well, he wrote. He wrote.
Yeah, he did, really, dang.

Speaker 3 That's it for you, buddy.

Speaker 2 That's it for me.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, you know what? That was a good run. I think it's my way to get out.
It's a good run. It's a good run.
It's my way to get out.

Speaker 2 I'll get out. It's my way to get out.

Speaker 2 You know what, man? Yeah. Honestly, they won't be able to find me in Vermont if I stay off the internet.
Yeah. I mean, I have a fantasy of just kind of getting out.

Speaker 3 You know what it is, dude? Yeah. This is like one of those Hollywood stars, where are they now? And this will be a grainy flashback to when it all started to plummet.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is when the music changes. Yeah, dude.
This is when the music changes on the dock.

Speaker 3 The color slowly fades.

Speaker 2 And it goes black and dark.

Speaker 2 Stings get slowed down.

Speaker 3 It's just punched in on you right now contemplating.

Speaker 2 I want to say, I haven't slept a lot lately. Okay.

Speaker 3 All you do is sleep.

Speaker 2 It's literally all I do. No, but the last three days I haven't because I've been traveling and stuff.
Okay. I have not been sleeping.

Speaker 3 You think you're...

Speaker 2 I'm not in my right mind.

Speaker 2 And I think that what I did was

Speaker 2 not right.

Speaker 2 And it was like, I don't even think that's how I really feel.

Speaker 2 I think it was just a guy just out of his mind talking. Yeah.
Dude, I get it. You get it.

Speaker 3 I respect it, man.

Speaker 2 And I apologize. You don't look like a security guard at Boutiques.
Soho. Honestly, I would have taken that over what you originally said.

Speaker 2 That says I am there to secure those. And I think you were one of the first people to text me when I got hurt.
When I woke up and I heard about it. And we have a great relationship.
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 And that's my bad.

Speaker 3 We can start anew.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And, you know, last week when I went after you.
You did. Yeah.
Bobby Spring's about to be sprung. I apologize for that.
I was like, not in my right mind. I don't care.

Speaker 3 It was actually kind of funny. Okay.
I loved it. I actually thought it was very funny.
Someone sent me the clip. I was like, that's pretty funny.

Speaker 2 Okay. So

Speaker 2 I'm the one that needs to change. I'm the wrong.
Wow. I'm the bad guy.
That level of accountability. Yeah.
And I'm ashamed. Don't be bullshit that I said.
No, stop.

Speaker 2 You are entering a new phase in life where you are taking ownership. I'm trying to figure out if I really believe what I said.
So I'm going through that right now.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Just to be honest with you, like reflect, do I really feel that way? Maybe, maybe not. But I shouldn't have said it out loud.
I'll tell you that right now. In fact, I will say this.

Speaker 2 I do believe what I said. All of it.
Oh. But I shouldn't have said it out loud.
Okay, dude.

Speaker 3 Yeah. That's crazy.
That's pretty good. That was a 180 to a 180.

Speaker 1 We're right back where we started.

Speaker 2 If you watch the trial with that kind of admit, where he goes,

Speaker 2 I'm sorry I killed her, but am I sorry I killed her?

Speaker 2 Not really, but I am sorry that I did it.

Speaker 2 I felt it, and I'm fine for feeling that. I haven't masturbated in five days.

Speaker 3 Why haven't you jerked off in five days?

Speaker 2 I'm trying to not.

Speaker 3 Five days?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Five days is a pretty good amount of time.

Speaker 2 When did you notice it? Like, what was the worst day so far? Like, today? Last night I tried to, and I couldn't do it.

Speaker 3 Day four is when I started to get a little itchy.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Ari Shafir told me that, he said this out loud, so I, you know,

Speaker 2 that he, the way he, you know, he's a girlfriend, great girlfriend. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That the reason why he met her in the first place is because he wasn't masturbating for a long time.

Speaker 2 And then when that happens, it motivates you to like, you know, when you meet a girl, go find her. You're like, hey, meet us at the bar and you don't go.

Speaker 2 It motivated him to go. Yeah, because he had four balls.
Yeah, yeah. So I think it is a good advice.

Speaker 3 Five days, though,

Speaker 3 you got to empty it out, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah, go empty the clip. And maybe that's why I'm acting the way I am today.
That's exactly right. That's actually excuse me.
You know what? That is it because you're aggressive.

Speaker 2 You're being very aggressive. You're being very aggressive right now.

Speaker 2 You're just horned up, dude. I'm horned up.
You're a little. So, Shane, if you're listening, don't start a war with me.
Yeah, dude. I'm horned up.

Speaker 2 You just get what you're saying. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. A guy getting into a fight with another guy be like, brother, don't, I'm just this way because you're horny.

Speaker 2 I just realized it. The reason I tried to fight you in that bar is because I have a boner.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It popped out of my mind.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so I apologize. And I think people listening get it.
Oh, huh. I think they get it.
I think they get it too. Any rational person would get it.
Yeah. Now, can I ask you another question?

Speaker 2 What do you think of

Speaker 2 Pizzeria Bianco in Phoenix?

Speaker 3 I know you called me about this. We talked.
Have you been there? Yeah, he's Tucson. He doesn't know Phoenix as well.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 It's South on I-10. So years ago, a film critic in New York Times said that that's the best pizza on planet Earth.

Speaker 2 And it became a gigantic,

Speaker 2 hours away.

Speaker 3 Big planet.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And

Speaker 3 big Big planet to say Earth, dude. That's insane.

Speaker 2 And, you know,

Speaker 2 I went there again.

Speaker 2 It's pretty good. It's good, dude.

Speaker 2 Is it like...

Speaker 2 Have you had Frank Pepe's in Connecticut?

Speaker 3 That's like one of the, that's like the. Why would I go there?

Speaker 2 I don't know. You do a lot of shows.

Speaker 3 Connecticut has some of the best pizza.

Speaker 2 They're trying to, like, they're trying to make it that they're trying to make us Hartford there? In Connecticut? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But this, but Frank Pepe's is in the past. Hartford, Connecticut, Funnybone.

Speaker 2 They just, they were so rude to me. That's why I've never been back.
The club? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Or the people that went to the club?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 the management there. Really? I did it one weekend there, and the manager at the last night, and I had seen him around all weekend, finally introduced himself.

Speaker 2 And he was kind of like, here's your check.

Speaker 3 Oh, damn. Maybe he had something going on.
He could have had full balls.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. What if that guy had full balls?

Speaker 2 Would you have taken it if he was full balls? No, twice I've been there. Imagine he's there.
And they were not nice to me.

Speaker 3 Well, maybe he had full balls twice.

Speaker 2 They can fill up real quick. Okay.

Speaker 2 you know what you're right maybe you're right yeah so connecticut has the best pizza

Speaker 2 they've tried to if you ever go to new haven you should have frank pepez new haven 100 frank pepez it's very good okay so um but do you think so far do you think pizza bianco was the best you've ever had i think that um

Speaker 3 it's the best in the top five i've ever had probably well okay let's frank how about this is even more this is even more um because we got in a good debate about donuts the other week let's talk about it.

Speaker 2 Frank, by the way, in Los Angeles, I go to Kettle Glaze every time I'm here. Oh, yeah.
And I went and picked up a half a dozen.

Speaker 3 Oh, you are a little sweet, secret sweet boy, huh?

Speaker 2 I'm pretty loud.

Speaker 2 I'm pretty raped. I'm going to tell you something.
I'm flattening.

Speaker 2 I think you're going wrong with it.

Speaker 2 I think you're going wrong with it, and I'm going to convince you otherwise.

Speaker 2 Kettle Glaze? Yeah. The wrong way to go? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would go, have you ever had Sidecar?

Speaker 3 We brought them into the studio one time.

Speaker 2 Sidecar. What do you think of them? They're good, they're fine.
Wow.

Speaker 2 You know it's not my number one. Oh, are they like a busy donut? A busy donut?

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 2 We were talking about this, yeah. Kettle Glaze goes like this.

Speaker 3 We're a donut.

Speaker 3 See, that's what I like.

Speaker 2 Okay. Like, we're a donut wearing a fruit hat.

Speaker 3 You know what these are? These are donuts that have.

Speaker 3 These are, hey, these are single moms now that have been through a divorce. That's who this donut is.
It's got too much going on.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you go, you don't need all of this. You don't need to need all this.
But I'm going to double down now, my friends, okay?

Speaker 2 And I'm going to show you something that's going to blow your minds, if I may, may, please. Okay.

Speaker 2 In Korea.

Speaker 2 I'm already out. I'm in.
I'm in harder.

Speaker 3 That's the right answer. South or North?

Speaker 2 I don't care. North.
North. Yeah, the good side.
Yeah. Yeah.
Look at Kim Jong-un.

Speaker 3 Does North Korea?

Speaker 2 He loves donuts.

Speaker 3 Does North Korea have a similar thing? Like Northern Ireland has an up the raw. Like, does North Korea have a fucking chant or anything like that?

Speaker 2 Yeah, cute American.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Or it's like, it's Oon Time.
So there's a,

Speaker 2 they have one now. So this is a Korean company that they have one in Koreatown, and it's called Old Fairy Donut.
Okay. Okay.
That's what we call you.

Speaker 2 You know what, dude? That's rude.

Speaker 3 You set me up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Old Fairy, old F-E-R-R-Y. Like Old Fairy.

Speaker 2 It is the best donut in Albas. All right.
We'll go to Old Fairy. Ooh, bitch.
Yeah, those pictures, Bobby. You're right.
This is it.

Speaker 2 Are you being sarcastic? No, I'm being 100% for real. I'm telling you.
You showed me that first fancy shit. I don't want that.
This is this. Yes.

Speaker 3 I want to rank this. I want to rank the most the corporate pizza joints where they go.
Because look, everyone's got their fancy pizza joints. Give me the corporate rankings.

Speaker 3 Give me Domino's, Pizza Hut, Little Caesars. Give me fucking Sabarro can be thrown.

Speaker 2 I can tell you. Go.

Speaker 2 I honestly think Pizza Hut. Yes.
Number one. Number one is Pizza Hut.
No one

Speaker 2 thrust is buttery and something about it. Also, the way they do their pizza, it stays more of like a pizza.
Domino's, they overload you with the fucking dough and the cheese.

Speaker 2 And your swearing is right for that. They're fucking dough.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I hate it.

Speaker 3 I think Little C's is my favorite.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Hot and ready, dude.

Speaker 3 Hot and ready, it's simple. Simple as Little C's cheese is fine.

Speaker 2 What do you have cricket? You have a cricket phone? Yeah.

Speaker 2 The fuck like that. Who likes Little Caesars this time?

Speaker 3 I just like the $5.

Speaker 2 One of their toppings is cancer.

Speaker 2 I bet. It goes Pizza Hut Domino's.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Papa John's. Papa John's.
Pre- or post-N-Word. I don't know.
That garlic sauce, you get in the top three with that.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Dude, I like the hot and ready. Just, it saved me for a long time in my 20s, financially.

Speaker 2 I think if you ate it now, you would think differently.

Speaker 3 Because we don't have that pizza now. That's the problem.
Like, I haven't eaten anything like that in a long time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but the pizza's Little Caesars is still around. Oh, yeah.
Is it? Dude, what? Every corner. Go to Well Western.
My buddy Matt's kid.

Speaker 3 I haven't seen a Little Caesars in forever.

Speaker 2 My buddy Matt's kid just tried it for the first time, like last week, and he was like, he says it's the best food he's ever had in his life.

Speaker 3 I've never seen we're in echo park yeah not

Speaker 2 going over there but what if you guys had a little caesars pizza party and it was brought to you we keep talking about it they might end up sponsoring the show so i went to pizza pizza when i play chicago improv sometimes they get me a fresh lou malnales yeah

Speaker 2 it's pretty good yeah yeah it's my that's my that's i love it's pretty good it's very good i like deep dit deep dish i don't care what you feel about it It's good just for that special occasion.

Speaker 3 We don't eat it on the regular.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, but I love it. It's heavy.
It's too heavy for a regular. No, you eat it once in a great while.
It's cake, yeah, fork and knife. So, I had this Filipino family, Kalila's End,

Speaker 2 come from Philippines one summer

Speaker 2 and we went to that deep dish pizza place in Los Files or Echo Park, Masa, Masa, yeah, Masa, yeah, very good, yeah, it's great. They didn't eat it, what

Speaker 2 they don't know what it is, there weren't any bugs on it, no, no,

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, they're like, there's no carbon.

Speaker 3 If you shift some tree bark on this, it will be good.

Speaker 2 Say win on the tree bark.

Speaker 2 They're doing it like it's trumpeting.

Speaker 3 Can I interest you in some tree bark?

Speaker 2 This is some oak. We're just going to shave it onto your...
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Of course they didn't eat it. That's not their in their flavor profile.
They like, they like spicy. That pizza is a thick, doughy cake pizza.

Speaker 2 It's just a mushed up tomato. They're not going to like that.
But let me say something to you, y'all. Okay.
Okay. When I'm in a different country, I just, I'll check all of it out and I'll try it.

Speaker 3 Oh, you're saying they didn't even want to try it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. They didn't even like attempt it.

Speaker 2 How would you not try that? They didn't even take a bite? Yeah. There was no, that is, that's like, you get, I would, I would see myself getting very upset about that.
Yeah, take a bite.

Speaker 2 Being like, take a bite. I also made reservations.
I know, you guys got to check out this. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Put thought into it. Exactly, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 What do they end up wanting? They want a Jolly B, right? Yeah. They love Jolli B, dude.

Speaker 2 What's Jolly B? Oh, you're a girl. It's their version of like a chain food restaurant.

Speaker 3 But it's, but it's, they fucking live and die by this. So much so that like,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 2 they have spaghetti, too. Show me Jolly B's spaghetti.

Speaker 3 You know Benny Blanco? Did you think that's the best thing?

Speaker 2 That's their spaghetti. The producer? You know how sometimes you're in the mood for spaghetti and a chicken leg?

Speaker 2 Yeah, what am I pregnant? It's fucking wild.

Speaker 3 Benny Blanco did a video of a food review, I think, at his house, and he caught so much shit from Filipino fans for just being like, this isn't good.

Speaker 2 Benny B.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but it's so funny how like they take, this is like their shit.

Speaker 2 but the one in the philippines that i've been to is the quality is different it's better you think it's just yeah it's just do you think it's like like when you get a guinness in ireland it's just better that's yeah i don't know that's what it is i don't know that's true they clean out their lines i know but you go to a good spot that serves a good guinea there's a couple of good guinness spots because i that you know that's my beer i don't really drink beer but if i'm gonna have a beer i'm drinking that you know i was the i was the guinness king i was the brand ambassador what yeah that's what got me out julian you know julian mcculla i know yeah i know he did the Guinness brand ambassador thing, and then he quit drinking, and they were trying to find a new one, and he's like, you should have my buddy Soder do it.

Speaker 2 Can I talk about him? What's that? McCullough. Yeah.

Speaker 3 You cut off his story, but yeah.

Speaker 2 What's up?

Speaker 3 What's going on?

Speaker 3 Are you going to call him bloated too?

Speaker 2 Finish your story. No.
No, I was just saying. I got to go to the, I got to, like, go.
They flew me to Dublin, and I got to, like, I had to drink Guinness for like two years. The best.

Speaker 2 And by the end, I was like, get this mud water out of my fucking hand.

Speaker 3 I love it.

Speaker 2 See when he finishes it, we should have cut it off.

Speaker 2 This guy, dude, you're a little hot, hot, tight.

Speaker 2 I almost need you to go to the bathroom.

Speaker 2 I think I have the drugs. Watch you come back.
And it's just, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 In fact, I'm not going to get. You know what? You're right.
I'm going to be more mindful about it. I'm not going to say what I want to say about Julian McCullough.
I think it's another war.

Speaker 2 Go ahead, let me hear it.

Speaker 3 You might as well, dude. You're starting it up.

Speaker 2 So when I met him, he used to live in L.A. Yeah.
Yeah. And I thought, what a handsome fella.
He is.

Speaker 2 Something happened.

Speaker 3 Are you saying he lost his look?

Speaker 2 Something happened. Did you fall out of love with him?

Speaker 2 Because he's still handsome. Maybe you fell out of love with him.

Speaker 3 He's a pretty good looking guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess he's still got it.

Speaker 3 What did you think? Did you see him on an off night?

Speaker 2 I mean, look at it. Yeah, so when I saw him recently, he just got older.
That's it. No, he just.
Like we all do.

Speaker 4 He gained like six pounds is all.

Speaker 2 Dude, Bobby's like Tim Gunn. He's like, what are you, fat bitch?

Speaker 2 Look at this gross. No, I loved it.
Ew. What a fantastic.
Julian Rules. He's so funny.
He's very, very funny. I love him.
Anyway. And thanks for giving me the brand ambassador job in 2001.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Julian. I got to quit waiting tables because of it.
Wow. That's pre-set.

Speaker 3 Isn't that great when something like that changes your fucking life?

Speaker 2 I mean, changed my life. I bought a laptop.

Speaker 2 I didn't own a laptop from 2007 to 2011. Slow down.
Is Joe Mataris still around? I don't know. You know him? Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 Joe Mataris.

Speaker 3 The first time I made enough money to buy like a new laptop, like a real one,

Speaker 3 I didn't watch porn on it. I was so scared.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you don't want to, yes. You didn't want to to damage it.
I didn't want to hurt her. Yeah.
Keep her in good shape. No, only emails and videos.

Speaker 3 For years, I was like so afraid. I was like, no, it's going to fuck it up.

Speaker 3 And it was the first one I could afford. So, no, I'm not going to fuck it up.

Speaker 2 Yes. That's how I felt about my iPhone.
The first time I got an iPhone, I'm like, I'm watching porn on this thing. And then you're like, oh, you can watch porn on this thing? Right.

Speaker 2 That's all I wanted.

Speaker 3 And now that's all it is for. Yes.

Speaker 2 Dan,

Speaker 2 how are you dealing with the fame?

Speaker 2 Brother, day by day.

Speaker 2 He takes it day by day. But do you like it? Dude, I'm not famous.
What are you talking about? Dude, can I tell you why you are?

Speaker 2 Because I'm hanging out with somebody. She introduced me to these family members.
Sure. And there was a guy involved, and he was like, Do you know Dinosaur? No, they were white.
Oh.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 2 Do you know what, though? You seem to think all the people I hang out with are Asian.

Speaker 3 I didn't get an accent in all episode. I figured I had to do it now because I talked about it.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay. Honestly, at the buzzer, nailed it.
Yeah. Yeah, but he he's a huge fan of yours.
Oh, that's awesome. He's like, I love, you know, what's he like? You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I swear to God. And I'm like, who Dan? He goes, yeah, what's he like? He seems, he's his biggest fan.
He's the man. I've seen people talk about you many times.
Really?

Speaker 2 So there is a level of fame, and you know it, because when you go into clubs, you sell out, right? Yeah. So why does that happen?

Speaker 2 Because I've been going to cities for years. That's not why.
It's because

Speaker 2 your presence is elevated.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Yeah.
I mean, you're right.

Speaker 2 Can we agree with that? So So, how are you dealing with it?

Speaker 3 I didn't know who this guy was before he walked in the door.

Speaker 2 I just randomly walk in. Can I sit down on your podcast? Oh, so people that we have on this podcast are people that are elevated.
Yeah. So how does it feel? It feels good.

Speaker 2 God. Thank you.
By the way, Bobby,

Speaker 2 just like the way you described me,

Speaker 2 you went the worst thing with me is

Speaker 2 me trying to be confident with myself. Yeah.
It's hard to

Speaker 2 shit on me all you want. Bring it on, baby.
Yeah. We can have fun.
But the second you go, like, good job, I go, that's just fucking. It's the hugging stepbrothers.
Why are we like that?

Speaker 2 It's the hugging stepbrothers. Because it's what you just said it earlier.
It's the bullying that made you funny. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm shocked when people are like, come to my shows and it's sold out or whatever. I always turn to the manager and go, is there some sort of promotion going on?

Speaker 2 And they go, what do you mean? I go, I mean, is it a two-for-one or what's going on? He goes, no, it's regular pricing. You sold out.
And I'm always, I look in the audience and I go, wow.

Speaker 2 I've told this story before on

Speaker 2 the regs, but I was working in the Blue Room in Springfield, Missouri, and I drove from Kansas City to Springfield, and I had a bunch of texts, and people were like,

Speaker 2 They were like, dude, the club's running a special where if they buy tickets to you, they're entered into a raffle to see Matt Reif.

Speaker 2 And like, so many comics texted me, screen grabbed it, and sent it to me. They're like, Wow.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah. They were like, same audience.
But they were like, they were like, hey, buy tickets to this fucking ogre, and then maybe you can see Matt Reif.

Speaker 2 And it worked. It worked.
Wow. Yeah.
My ticket ticket sales were dog shit and there were people there. And it was really wild.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.

Speaker 2 That's like where you're like, oh, so you guys are running around.

Speaker 2 Okay. And then when it really happens, you go.

Speaker 3 First time I played the Mall of America.

Speaker 2 Yeah, House of Comedy.

Speaker 3 Dude, maybe 20 people, maybe. And that's like a 500-seat room.

Speaker 2 That's a hard. That's a full circle moment, though.
Taping your special in Minneapolis. That was pretty cool.

Speaker 3 It was really cool. That one hurt a lot, though.
The mall, because you walk into...

Speaker 2 It's a big room, too.

Speaker 3 And you have to walk into the mall before you go to a club, which hurts you twice.

Speaker 2 So top floor. Yeah, you have to pass.
You have to go up escalators and elevators. And honestly, that John Bajuce is doing some heavy lifting.
Yeah, there's a lot of stuff.

Speaker 2 I'm getting an Orange Dream Machine, and then I'm going upstairs.

Speaker 3 By the way, it's an Orange Julius now.

Speaker 2 I'm just kidding. I don't know.
I'm glad you said that because that was my worst turnout of all time. I hate it.
The mall of the Marine. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 And I can see an image of me, like a Paul Thomas Anderson shot of me, like going down the escalator when it's over, passing like the guy at Journeys, like turning off the lights, shutting the cage, yeah.

Speaker 3 Like, yeah, dude, it hurt, it hurts so much when you like have to do that, but it makes you a great comic. And to piggyback what you're saying, not to be a sappy fuckhead, but I thank every

Speaker 3 set now. I've been thanking the fans, and I did it every night at the special because it does mean the world to me that they show up.
I think it's so dope that they come out.

Speaker 3 It's it, dude, it never has made me go, yep, knew it. Every time I go out, I go, wow, dude, thank you.
Unreal. Amazing.

Speaker 3 Do you have there's a couple of comics we know, you know, that are like, I knew it was going to be this way.

Speaker 2 That's crazy. I do get resentments, though, of clubs

Speaker 2 that didn't treat you well. Yeah.
You know what I mean? And then now you don't play them? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I got a couple. What do you mean, totally? I got a couple.
Is that right, though? Is that healthy?

Speaker 3 That's like if any regular person at your regular job at home, whatever job that you work, if someone treated you poorly in your customer route and then you started doing well in some other version of your job and then those customers wanted to come back, you'd be like, get fucked.

Speaker 2 The clubs I play now are the clubs are necessarily not because of the draw, but it's because they treated me when I was down. Yeah.
Really?

Speaker 2 So when I talked about Hartford, Connecticut at that funny bone, I was down then. Yeah.
Right. And I just want people to be regular and nice.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 when they're good to you, when they don't have a reason to be. I have loyalty.
Yeah. You're like, oh, cool.
Well, then I'll come back.

Speaker 3 You know, like.

Speaker 3 they used to be good to me by the way i'm not saying not change but when i was doing those house of comedies they're yeah in bronson's rooms they were always good to me edminton's great now

Speaker 2 that's where we might differ oh really oh you got clipped out there there might be a reason why i don't

Speaker 2 use them as a club chain anymore

Speaker 2 Oh, I fucking, you want to talk about one of my worst weekends of my life? Yeah, you wouldn't. Was the that fucking club, House of Comedy in Scottsdale.
Scottsdale in Scottsdale. I don't know.

Speaker 2 Because you know,

Speaker 2 it's North Scottsdale.

Speaker 2 Dude, at a point it looked like a moon base. When you drive up and you'd be like, there's nothing.
It looks like Mars. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
And I just ate shit every night.

Speaker 1 So bad.

Speaker 2 Is that 12 years ago again? Yeah. It's 2000.
Yeah. This is 2013, 2014.
Wow, wow.

Speaker 2 I think the Edmonton happened like 2016, 2017. This is like 2014.
I remember specifically, I called Gary Goleman and Gary Goldman was like, just do your best stuff. Keep your head down.

Speaker 2 Get through the weekend. Oh, yeah.
Because it was just

Speaker 2 fucking eating.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you why, though, from a socioeconomic standpoint, you're not that kind of, that's not your crowd.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 3 Yeah, this is like retirees. This is a lot of like old couples.

Speaker 2 God. Yeah, this is.
I also have like some resentment for Arizona because you're like, you went to school there. Oh, yeah.
You know, we both went to school there.

Speaker 2 And you kind of come back and you're like, you weren't that nice to me. Why were you so mean to me?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you go, what are you doing to me? Come back and get onto those things.

Speaker 2 You're like, I couldn't get pussy for shit at this school.

Speaker 2 And now I'm coming back and being like, but I'm doing a show in Tucson this fall. I'm very excited.
I haven't been back to Tucson in like fucking years. Plug it, by the way.

Speaker 3 Are you playing the school?

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no. I don't know what venue we're doing yet, but we're setting it up.

Speaker 3 Have you ever played the school? No.

Speaker 2 I have zero intensive.

Speaker 3 One day I want to play ASU. I don't know why, because I think Schwartzen played there when I was in school.

Speaker 2 That's awesome. Yeah.
Well, he was fucking. I want to do the Rialto because that's where I saw Chappelle in Tucson.
That's sick. During the Blackzilla season one of Chappelle's show.
It was a fucking

Speaker 2 without a doubt, one of the greatest live stand-up shows I've ever seen in my life. Guy did like 70, came back out, did 20 on chords.
Get fucked. Get fucked.
Ripping it.

Speaker 3 I hate that. We're doing 26 tops.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Bring up Sodi's dates.

Speaker 3 If you want to see Dan Soder on tour, he's on tour right now

Speaker 3 here in February, March, April, May. He's everywhere.
It's Balboa Theater down there in San Diego.

Speaker 2 So Richmond, Virginia. I'm going to be at the Funny Bone April 4th and 5th.
And then at Spokane Comedy Club, May 1st through the 3rd.

Speaker 2 We got a big announcement coming up with a bunch of shows that I'm going to hopefully be dropping very soon.

Speaker 3 That are not on this list?

Speaker 2 That are not listed.

Speaker 3 Are you doing like a Skanks thing?

Speaker 2 No. Okay.
I'm doing like a tour.

Speaker 3 With a bunch of other guys? No.

Speaker 2 By myself. Okay.
Big boy. Shit.
All right, big dog. Put on some big pants.

Speaker 3 Well, go to dansoder.com if you do want to go see one of the funniest comedians we know touring across the country. We love you.
Dan, look at that camera. Say, thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 3 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 3 God, your voice.

Speaker 2 It's so good.