Life As an Uggo w/ Andrew Schulz

Speaker 1 Hello. Hello there, mate.
Mate. I'm Ben Shawn Toshi.
We're coming to London, England, mate. And then Dublin, Ireland, right after.
I'm Tom Hardy. He's Tom Hardy.
And I'm Andrew Santino.

Speaker 1 And we're going to London, England, July 18th. And then July 19th, we'll be in Dublin, Ireland.
Tickets are available right now. We never go to these places.
Never go to these places.

Speaker 1 Once the show's done,

Speaker 1 we know come back. We know come back.
Yeah, yeah. So you gotta go.
You gotta go. So go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets.
Badfriendspod.com.com.

Speaker 1 Hey, everyone from Texas, Houston specifically.

Speaker 1 I need you to buy tickets for my show on what is it? March 28th and 29th

Speaker 1 of this year.

Speaker 1 Go to Houston improv.com.

Speaker 1 Buy the tickets, or I'm gonna hurt myself. I'm gonna hurt myself.
I might die.

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 You two or something. We're bad friends.
What happened to Gene Hackman? What happened to Gene? What happened to him? What happened to Gene? His wife died too. What happened to Gene? And one dog?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Let me say something.
The dog was in the kennel, which I think is a little strange. Don't you let your dogs free roam? I free roam, my dog.
I free roam, dog.

Speaker 1 I'd be free roaming. My question is.
How old was he, by the way? 95.

Speaker 1 Time to go.

Speaker 1 I know. You did your time.
But his Asian wife, 65.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 And dog died,

Speaker 1 and two dogs survived. Who are the survivors? Let me see the survivor dogs.
Yeah, survivor dogs, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 There they are. There's some of the the dogs.
Those are German shepherds. German shepherds.
They can live through anything. They live through the Holocaust.

Speaker 1 They were very good in the Holocaust. They were good, dude.
And their work is not credited.

Speaker 1 I'm right.

Speaker 1 It was not credited.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Honestly, though,

Speaker 1 the other one that was bad was Michelle Trachtenberg died the same day, right? In New York.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's not here? Yeah, it was in New York. It was the same day because Gene had been dead a day when they found him.

Speaker 1 They found him a day later? Oh, yeah. It's a Hollywood tribal.

Speaker 1 Okay, we've talked about it on the show. People die in threes.
Who's next? Who's the third? Let's go. I'm going to throw it.
Hold on. On the count of three.
Yeah. Hold on.
Let me think of the name.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Okay, I was going to say, on the count of three, we have to think of a name together.
Okay.

Speaker 1 We shouldn't predict. Okay.
You know what I mean? No, because you know what happens on the show when we predict? Yeah, it doesn't. It happens.
But so here's the thing.

Speaker 1 They say it's not carbon monoxide poisoning. Got to be.
They say it's not. Otherwise, it's not.
And they said it's not foul play. So I have a prediction.
Fair play. So maybe someone deserved it.

Speaker 1 It was fair play. And I understand.
I think this, okay?

Speaker 1 One of the dogs

Speaker 1 was scared of the Asian wife. Oh, at some point, she's like...

Speaker 1 He's thinking, it's me. I'm going to go soon.
I'm next. It's me or her.
No, he's German. They're German shepherds.

Speaker 1 I don't know. She's looking at me.
One day she's going to eat me.

Speaker 1 And by the way, Gene's getting so old, he couldn't control her from doing that. Right.
So one day, the dog, I can't do a German accent. Yeah, I will do it for you.
Yeah, do it for me.

Speaker 1 Saw a gigantic chocolate bar exposed. Oh, I love chocolate.
I know, but you know what it does to you. What does it do to me? It kills you.
So

Speaker 1 he saw the chocolate bar, right?

Speaker 1 This is my time. And his other, what does his other two dogs say?

Speaker 1 Well, they're running. They ran away.
They got away. They were in the house.
Well, who, where,

Speaker 1 look up the movie Crimson Tide. Here's my conclusion.
I love this movie. You think Denzel did it?

Speaker 1 That was my other theory. I was honestly not going to say Denzel, zoom in.
I was going to say

Speaker 1 George Zunga. That guy right there, fourth, right before Vigo.

Speaker 1 No, wait a minute. Yeah.
Vigo makes the most sense. Viggo Mortensen is German.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, Aragorn did it. Aragorn did it.
Those are my dogs I sent to. That's a long play.
That's a long play. I don't know if he would go all the way to New Mexico.
Yes, he would. He loves New Mexico.

Speaker 1 How do you know that Vigo Mortensen likes New Mexico? We vacations there.

Speaker 1 Okay. You know what? And rest in peace, one of the greatest actors of all time, Gene Hackman,

Speaker 1 Do you realize? Rest in so many pieces. They made so many good movies.
French Connection. Yeah.
Well, I told you, Crimson Tide is one of my favorite movies. Here's another one that you forgot.

Speaker 1 So good. Jan Frankenstein.
Oh, my God. He plays the blind guy.
That's right. So funny.
Wow, dude. He did everything.
Oh, actually, you know what? Dude, all the movies. We've done.
I'm insane.

Speaker 1 Here's my favorite voice he ever did, though. Yeah.
Ants.

Speaker 1 So good in Ants. Do it now.
He was the general. Do it now.
We must fight to survive. We must fight to survive.
You know that speech he does? It's so good. Is that him? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. He was so good at ants, dude.
Okay. King ant.

Speaker 1 He was. Probably made a millions.

Speaker 1 I don't know about that. Does that did animation pay that well back? I don't think so.
You're right. Yeah, now that they got like superhero.
They get points, though, I think.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Right. Well, I mean, yeah, I guess I got a residual check the other day

Speaker 1 for

Speaker 1 the sale of Ricky Stanicki to DVD. What was it? Chiching.
Big time, dude. Cha-ching.
$42.36, Sam. Cha-ching.

Speaker 1 That's what it was. $42.36 or 37 cents.
I'd have to look at it. Yeah, people think that when you do these things.
Residuals, they're like, it must be raining down.

Speaker 1 I did movies for virtually free.

Speaker 1 You lost money on something. A lot of money.
You lost money. It's not a lucrative thing.
Unless you're Ryan Reynolds.

Speaker 1 And be careful, Ryan Reynolds. Why? They're coming for him.
The business is all like mad at him and his wife. I didn't get involved in this shit on the internet because I didn't care to like research.

Speaker 1 But it's funny how many stories are being told about these guys. There's another story that I just saw on TikTok.
It's the late the movie that he did, that sci-fi movie with Jake Gyllenhol.

Speaker 1 What was that movie called? Why can't I see it in my mind?

Speaker 1 Horizon or is it

Speaker 1 Horizon?

Speaker 1 Life. We were right there.
We were right there. So close.
I would have got life. So that see the girl that's go back.
Rebecca Ferguson. Rebecca Ferguson

Speaker 1 said something crazy about him.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's true. I wasn't there.
It looks true. But he was really mean to her.
Like a bully on set. Yeah, yeah.
Really? And then one day she came on. What?

Speaker 1 His asshole is so insecure that he's just yelling at me all the time. Yeah.
And so one day she comes on set and she goes, I'm not doing scenes with you anymore.

Speaker 1 I'm going to do it with the tennis ball. No, with the she-stand with the tennis ball? Yeah.
And then the producer went up to her and she goes, he's number one in the Chical seat. He has to be there.

Speaker 1 I don't know why. He probably doesn't want to be there.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But again, we don't know if it's true, but it's enlightening.

Speaker 1 well it's a bummer because then all those stories that tj miller told about working with him on deadpool seem to be much more valid like oh people people people did not believe him but they were like well you never know their relationship could have been toxic but it seems like

Speaker 1 broad is it to be nice

Speaker 1 here's the deal i don't know the deal tell me the deal washington said about him who who denzel said about ryan reynolds yeah they were in a movie together save house oh yeah and in an interview they asked denzel they say basically well when Ryan Reynolds was there, he was just observing you and he forgot to act because he admired you so much.

Speaker 1 And Dencel said, like, oh, is that what he was? I thought he was just terrible. That's what Denzel said? Yeah.
Wow. Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow. That's amazing.

Speaker 1 And when Denzel's a truth teller. He really is.

Speaker 1 When he says, like, quote, I don't know if it's AI,

Speaker 1 but with his voice. Well, it could be.
He can say anything and it'll be like a spiritual experience. Zoom into that photo you just passed.
Look at that. That's two lover boys.
Look at that.

Speaker 1 Zoom into that photo. Denzel doesn't look stoked.
There he doesn't. Yeah, Denzel does not look stoked.
Denzel looks stoked. Yeah.
That is kind of crazy to think about. Well, here's the deal.

Speaker 1 I'll answer your question.

Speaker 1 Is it hard to be nice on set? Here's why. Yes.
No, no, no. Here's why, though.
He's hot. He's been hot his whole life.
You and me, Uggo Ruggos,

Speaker 1 you know, knock, knock, knock. Here we go.
Knock, knock, knock. Bobby, Andrew, you guys ready? Are you guys out of your bucket of slime? You want to come shoot the scene?

Speaker 1 They do. They do.
they treat the others

Speaker 1 the couple last movies i was in one of those quarter like a

Speaker 1 it was talking a quarter 10 trailer

Speaker 1 it was like barely

Speaker 1 could go in there it's a bathroom literally the toilet and that's it you're sitting on the toilet to watch like you know what i mean youtube videos you know what i mean and then you have to wait there for so long all day all day and then you get when then you're like hey can lunch can i leave no and they go no absolutely not we need need you.

Speaker 1 What if we need you? So then lunch happens four hours later. They don't need you.
They don't need you. It's bullshit.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 this is what happens when you're regular and Uggo. If you're us who are regular looking guys, but anyway, you're right.

Speaker 1 So I think if you're an Uggo like us, you're going to not get treated the way that

Speaker 1 Ryan Reynolds is so hot. I know, but can I say something for a redhead? And I get a lot.
One time I was at one of your shows. What do you mean? At my, we're at our show that we do together?

Speaker 1 No, we weren't doing it together. It was a show that I was supporting you.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And a lady in the audience, I was sitting kind of in the side, and she turns to me and goes,

Speaker 1 Your boy is handsome. Only because

Speaker 1 I haven't seen that. And I've heard, no, I've heard a lot of that on the internet.
I've heard a lot about my direct messages. And I just want you to own up to your handsomeness.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 First of all, because you have a mutant color of the hair. Yeah, because I'm a mutant.
I'm a freak. But the faces

Speaker 1 Andrew Santino is so hot. What the fuck? Yeah, but that's a guy.
These are are all guys. They're not guys, dude.
Trust me. Look at 2020, 2022.

Speaker 1 Steve here's a Bobby Lee one. Can I tell you? The amount of times that I've gotten dick pics sent to my DM from guys, it's unreal.
I get dick pics all day. Didn't you leave him?

Speaker 1 So when they put it in. I did.
That's why.

Speaker 1 Bobby Lee. Wait, what is that? Reddit.

Speaker 1 And when you type in Bobby Lee hot, it's about spicy wings. Spicy wings.

Speaker 1 Right? That ate hot stuff. But you do.
No, I know I have, but that's bullshit. Wait, scroll down a little bit.
Yeah, yeah. That's so funny.

Speaker 1 Keep going, keep going, keep going. Let's see.
Bobby Lee hot, eating spicy wings. It's where I had diarrhea

Speaker 1 when I was on Hot Wings. But you did hot ones.
I've never done that. They've never asked.
They don't want me over there. Look at that.
Oh, my. Anyway, get out of that.

Speaker 1 So you don't, I don't have a Reddit flat. Bobby Lee's the only person to shit himself on Hot Wings.
Okay, okay. That's an award in of itself.
I know, but that's still humiliating.

Speaker 1 Name someone else that's done that. I don't know.
By the way, New York Magazine, Bobby Lee

Speaker 1 puts one of the most outrageous and outrageously funny hot ones performances to date. Bam.
There you go. There you go.
I do it for comedy. You always do it for comedy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, let's get out of that. But you're hot.
Let's move on. No, no way.

Speaker 1 You can't say you're an ugly one. But you know, I wonder what it is with like that generation of like they were hot their whole life.
They got treated hot their whole life. Some guys did.

Speaker 1 Brad Pitt, he's like the coolest fucking dude. And everyone says they work with him.
He's like the most rad dude on earth. And he's been hot his whole fucking life.
Okay. He's never not been hot.

Speaker 1 He's hotter now than he was 20 years ago. But who's the hottest young actor now, man? Timothy Chalamet.
Exactly. And from what I've talked to Theo about,

Speaker 1 You had him on. Oh, yeah.
He's the nicest guy. He seems like a good kid.
Yeah, I mean, and he's unaffected. And he.

Speaker 1 Why can't you just be that? You know, you're on the top of the world. You know how much money you're making.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And why can't you just accept that and go, you know, I'm grateful for everything that I've done. Something's going on inside.
Oh,

Speaker 1 color coordinated.

Speaker 1 Jesus, are you recording? Yeah, always. Oh, I didn't know that.
How are you? What's going on, man? Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Schultz. Andrew Schultz.

Speaker 1 What's up, Captain?

Speaker 1 What's up, Doc? Chilling. What do you want me? Doing right there in the blue chair.
The blue chair.

Speaker 1 Damn, look at these pants.

Speaker 1 That's how much money he's making. Those pockets are waiting for all that money to go in.
Look at how deep those pockets are. God damn it.
That's money to me, man. This guy's got deep pockets.

Speaker 1 I heard about all the movie money. I heard about that Hulu deal.

Speaker 1 We were just talking about. You broke a record.
Yeah, I broke two records. That's what they said.
Or they kicked you out your golf club. Yeah, they did.

Speaker 1 You got to go to Bel Air now. I had to, dude.
Even your mustache is fancier. I hate it.
Stop. We're not going to do this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you, Lando Carissian? You guys got the nicked deal.

Speaker 1 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 1 You're the mayor of Cloud City now, you bitch. You got majority white people on the pod, so you know you're making money.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're kicking the flip out of here.

Speaker 1 First of all, someone who's always been nice on the set.

Speaker 1 Korean, Spanish, mexican we have you got the whitest hispanics well you got to get the whitest ones yeah these are like real colonizers you know they call us colonizers yeah that one those were like the descendants of like vasco de gamin the one on the i get it i get it he is you were chasing around the mel gibson people in this what what are they called with him with him you know what what's that mel gibson movie what's that called the aztec shit apocalypto apocalypto yeah you were chasing around the apocalyptic you're the reason they speak spanish Yeah, yeah, you got real racism.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is beautiful.

Speaker 1 That's you. That's you right there.
Yeah, can we get a

Speaker 1 one? Yeah. I want one.
Well, we can't. Well, they're hard to pin down.
They're busy working nine other jobs. Who's this Harry Funk? He looks Spaniard.
Who, this guy right here? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he is kind of.

Speaker 1 Maybe they don't Spanish. You don't know that oppressor.
Those are the Moroccans, bro.

Speaker 1 That's why the Spanish got some color. Bobby, you've met him no less than 20 times.
I love him. What's his name? Bobby's a real piece of shit in that regard.
What's his name? You met that guy. Mango?

Speaker 1 Anyway, good to see you, Mango.

Speaker 1 Don't get defensive, dude.

Speaker 1 Is that Korean?

Speaker 1 That's great. Gochi.
Gochi. What does that mean? Bad friends.
You're bad friends. Bad friends.
Sick. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 I was talking to somebody about, somebody went to that Euro of sushi place.

Speaker 1 They said it was the best sushi. And then I told them, I go, go, Andrew Schultz didn't like it.
And they couldn't, no one can believe that. You know what I mean? Nobody there even likes it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that makes sense.

Speaker 1 It's all for Netflix. Yeah.
That does make sense. You know how you visit a place.
You know how it's like, what is it, Pat and Geno's in

Speaker 1 Philly?

Speaker 1 No one likes. No, Philly people don't like it.
They like Ishkabibbles, right? Yeah, Ishkabibbles. Yeah, that's right.
They don't like that.

Speaker 1 This is Pat and Ginos of Japan. That's Gino right there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He's old, bro.
Yeah, Gino's old. Now, did he come out and say hi to you? No, he was there and his son.
We got like the real shit. Oh, the real shit.

Speaker 1 I bought a suit to go there because you have to like dress. They say not to drink, you have to like respect it.
And yeah, you went there, and there's a bunch of fucking assholes.

Speaker 1 Were there with your wife? I was there with my wife. What did she think of it? It was so, she doesn't like wasabi, and it was so much wasabi that like we couldn't even eat it.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. They don't want you to drink.
It's isn't it in a subway? Yeah, it's in a subway. I'm drinking.
It's the subway. Yeah, that's the logic.

Speaker 1 But I had so much deference.

Speaker 1 Here's it: like, all right, you know how, like, Japanese people, they only do something if it's perfect. Correct.
Like, they have so much shame. Yeah.
You know, unlike the Koreans, do half-ass shit.

Speaker 1 But, like, the Japanese. Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, hold on. Couldn't even keep their country as one.
You know what I mean? Exactly. Couldn't even keep one country.
There's no like North Japan.

Speaker 1 It's one Japan.

Speaker 1 There are Japanese people still. We put two atomic bombs on them.
Who's we? Who's we? America. Whose side are you on? Come on.
Pearl Harbor was the right thing to do.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you something. It's a sneak attack, and you you deserve it.
It was the sneak attack. But they were trying to land, right? Let's just be honest.
Yeah. What? Just wanted to land the plane.

Speaker 1 They wanted to land the plane. But it's just not the best.
It's a bad flying joke. I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 It might not be the best. Yeah, yeah.
They might have been. They're not good online.
They're not good at driving. Let's just say that.
Okay.

Speaker 1 No, but my point is that they have to do everything the best because they feel so much shame. True.
Okay. Right? But can I go back to the movies, though? We make better movies, the Koreans.

Speaker 1 Koreans do make the best film. I'm not going to lie.
Korea's been on a tear, right?

Speaker 1 We're on a tear on movies. TV shows, movies.
We're on to tear. The squid game thing is incredible.

Speaker 1 It's not just a thing. He's in it.
It's a franchise. I'm not in it.
You're not? I'm not the squid or anything.

Speaker 1 Can I ask you a racist question? I'm going to be serious. Be serious and be racist.
I love it. That's who you are.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 Are the numbers so we can tell?

Speaker 1 I don't even get what you're saying. So funny.
Like the show, they got numbers on them, right?

Speaker 1 They tell you who's left. Have you watched the show? Do you know what we're talking about? See, both seasons, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, and they got numbers on all the people. Yes.
But is it so that we can tell?

Speaker 1 We can tell what. Well, which who's 456 to 218? There's no fucking way we'd be able to tell.
That's AI. I thought that's the same guy.

Speaker 1 I know what you're saying. Stop, stop.
Is it for Western audiences?

Speaker 1 Is it for Western audiences to be able to know? Oh, so you're saying if we don't have the numbers, we're not going to be able to tell what Korean does what?

Speaker 1 Well, I don't know why you would jump to that fucking racist. That's a little much.
That's not a lot of people. Explain to me what you're saying.
Maybe I was being racist, but explain to me.

Speaker 1 That was what I was saying. That is exactly.
That's 100% what I was saying.

Speaker 1 There is a similarity. No,

Speaker 1 I have Asian eyes.

Speaker 1 And maybe it's like the movie They Live. Yeah.
What's that?

Speaker 1 They Live was a Roddy, Roddy Piper movie. Yeah, nice.
And he puts on glasses and he can see messages and signs and aliens through the glasses. And that's what my little Asian eyes are.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. They live.
It's a great movie. It really is.
John Carpenter, I think, did it. Yeah.
How much eye do we need? Like, I don't see more when I open mine. Thank you for saying that out loud.

Speaker 1 I just feel like... You don't think that I see things.
Yeah, what do you see? Dude, letterbox. Like, do you see? I'm a Criterion Collection movie guy.
You know what I mean? No. We are IMAX and you're.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to.

Speaker 1 You're not IMAX, dude. You're not IMAX.

Speaker 1 Dude, you don't see IMAX. That's good.
You could see. If you're looking through, you could see the sky from you.
Yeah, so I can't. I'm trying to see if I actually see less like you.

Speaker 1 I see just the same.

Speaker 1 And when I go like this, I don't see more stuff. I see less.
I see less. You You see less.
I see way less. Yeah, yeah.
Hey, don't. Because you're doing a story.
No, no, stop. Can you see further?

Speaker 1 Look at him. I can see way further.
Oh, so Asians can see further. Like a hawk.
Yes. Got it.
Well, no, no, that's so they can see through you. They can see the real soul within you.

Speaker 1 They can see what's going on. Yeah, we have that power.
You know what I mean? Go really concentrate and tell me what I got inside. Go

Speaker 1 inside what? Inside. Like you.
Okay, here we go. Whatever Andrew was saying.
Well, I have to. I feel like you're opening them.
I make noises if I do it. Oh, yeah.
You have to. That's fine.

Speaker 1 I feel like you're opening your eyes more. I feel like you're seeing less deep.
No,

Speaker 1 you know, that's. Trust the process.
Let me tell you something about it, guys.

Speaker 1 Guy, let me tell you something about

Speaker 1 ethnicities, right? We're the same. Yeah.
And the type of person you are, you make a different. Yeah, I guess.
I see black, a black heart. You saw a black heart in this guy?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and you have colon cancer. Oh, my God.
Dude,

Speaker 1 I shit a lot. Like, I wonder if that.
Yeah. No, that's a good thing.
You're the third guy. You're the third guy.
Shitting less is bad. Okay.
Shitting more is actually very good.

Speaker 1 Are you worried about that stuff as we get up there a little bit? As an old white, yeah. Like, it is something that we should consider.
Prostate, colon, all that stuff.

Speaker 1 The only ones that I think you can snag for old white is prostate and colon. Those are the two you have to be able to snag.
Old white, my dad just beat prostate cancer.

Speaker 1 Bobby's dad lived to be 104, didn't have any cancer. Yeah, no AIDS.
I've never seen a Korean with AIDS. Isn't that funny? They don't get it.

Speaker 1 Name me one Korean with with AIDS. Can't do it.
You can't think of it. Can't do it.

Speaker 1 No, wow. I can't.

Speaker 1 That is crazy. It's crazy.
Is it like not over there? You don't even care about these STDs and shit anymore. Like, you're a married guy.
It's like, oh, yeah,

Speaker 1 he's on the move. Are you? I got bumps all over my penis.
Do you? Different mounds, different colors. Really? Yeah, yeah.
It's a kaleidoscope. Wow.
Yeah. Do you think about that? Do you really?

Speaker 1 IP green for some sort of something.

Speaker 1 You know, he's never been tested. Yes, I have.

Speaker 1 Fuck. When? When?

Speaker 1 Four months ago, I got tested. Four months ago.
Dr.

Speaker 1 Dr. Kawara.

Speaker 1 What? What happened that made you want to get tested? I just thought he goes, You think we should get tested? And I go,

Speaker 1 I think we should. Oh, you'll speak back.
Well, whenever an Asian does an accident, I'm respectful and I do the

Speaker 1 question. I was watching a Larry David clip where you were on the show and you used the accent.

Speaker 1 Did he ask you? Did he like come to you? Yeah. Can you tell me? Okay, so I'm going to tell you about Hollywood.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah. So I got the role of a merchant

Speaker 1 of weapons. Okay.
But he was in L.A.

Speaker 1 So I just called the director FaceTime and I go, since he's in L.A., I don't think he shouldn't need. He goes, I want the accent.
He said it too soon. And I go, yeah, but

Speaker 1 if it was in Korea, maybe I was talking to him in English. I want the accent.
You're telling me there's nobody in L.A. that's Korean that doesn't have an accent?

Speaker 1 I know, but what I'm saying is that why do I need one? So you don't like doing it. You find it's been a good time.
I'll tell you who fucked me up about it. Who? john cho

Speaker 1 oh wow the actor john cho yeah yeah so one day what number was he

Speaker 1 365. okay yeah yeah he was 365

Speaker 1 ryan chang was 202.

Speaker 1 wait yeah so john cho is hawaii 5-0 no john cho is we did harolyn kumar together john cho can we look up john cho yeah yeah yeah um he was in the star trek movies at sulu i got to be honest those koreans are handsome some they know they got some good-looking some asians over there But no, I don't think you're ugly.

Speaker 1 I don't think

Speaker 1 fuck you. No, I'm being honest.
I don't think you're as ugly as you think you are.

Speaker 1 Zock Doc, when was the last time you needed to go to a doctor? But you pushed it off. Like, oh my God, you know what I mean? I don't have time.

Speaker 1 Everything will be fine.

Speaker 1 Or my wifey. This boil looks weird, but who cares? Who cares? I've had boils before.
I've had boils before.

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Speaker 1 That looks good.

Speaker 1 He looks at me and I asked him, I go, we were on sets. I forgot what it was.
And I go,

Speaker 1 you ever do accents? He goes, yeah, I don't do them.

Speaker 1 Do you get offered? Yeah, I just don't do them. I go, why? He goes, I just don't think we need to.

Speaker 1 It's just an integrity thing. He goes, I'm fine that you do because you do a lot of broad comedies and I get it, but I just don't want to do it.
And it made me feel shame about it. Why? Because

Speaker 1 every role I get is an Asian accent.

Speaker 1 Hello, Mr. Johnson.
Okay, the last five things you've done didn't have an Asian accent.

Speaker 1 Game of Thrones, the random Asian accent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Why walk a coming?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? And they're like, yeah, I mean, you don't need an accent, but I don't know why I have one right now. You haven't done it in the last couple of films you've done.

Speaker 1 You didn't do it. You didn't do it.
Look at that. You didn't do it in The Last Thing You Just Did Theo's movie.
You don't have an accent. I do a southern accent there.
That's even funnier. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, man, good. Drugstore June, no accent, no accent.
Sweet Dreams, no accent. Borderlands, no accent.

Speaker 1 The throwback, nothing. Drugstore June, nothing.
Magnum P.I., nothing. No magnum P.I.
Yeah, you're right. You're too famous, I think, to do the Asian accent now.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I feel like you're too known outside of these projects. What about Reservation Dogs? Well, can you go zoom back? Here's what you were in Reservation Dogs? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm thinking of Reservoir Dogs. No,

Speaker 1 Reservation Dogs. Mr.
Yellow. And I love that.

Speaker 1 Good joke. That's so funny.
That's so funny. Oh, they should have had one.
Yeah, yeah, Mr. Yellow too.
Too many white guys. What about you?

Speaker 1 I mean, you're like a real thespian. I always say that.
Oh, dude, I wish. I can't get any work.
Wait, can you not? I feel like you're working all the time.

Speaker 1 Somebody's working with Matt Daimon on a promo.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was a promo. This guy's in great movies.
You were great in that.

Speaker 1 I do want to say this to you. I saw that.
That was so fun.

Speaker 1 So fun. Thank you.
And then immediately wanted to text you and I didn't go, how did this come together? I just asked him. You were like, dude, do this thing for me.
And he was like, fine.

Speaker 1 He's just the nicest, coolest guy. I wish there was like a funny story around it, but he's just the nicest, coolest guy in the world.

Speaker 1 Can I say something a little derogatory towards you right now, Andrew, if you may? Do you think I'm Jewish? Everybody thinks I'm Jewish. You seem it.
But anyway,

Speaker 1 what is it about me

Speaker 1 that you would think that I'm a Jew?

Speaker 1 This is the first time I've seen your ankles. Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you watch my podcast,

Speaker 1 it's always, always ankles up. They're every thickness.
They're a little thicker than I would wish. I've gained weight.
It says, Dad, bud. Buddy, you're still in great shape.
Shut up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so you're so handsome and talented. You didn't gain any weight.
That's my bad. You knew who lost weight.
Mango. Did he? Okay, no.
He lost 15. Did you really?

Speaker 1 Notice? Look at that. I do.
You can't. I didn't say anything earlier.
That was the first album I ever bought.

Speaker 1 Really? Games of Roses? A masterpiece, I thought. Unbelievable.
Unbelievable. What was the first album you ever bought?

Speaker 1 The

Speaker 1 Velvet Underground and Nico album. Really? Yeah, at like 12.
Wow. That was cool then.
It sounds cool now. What do you think mine was?

Speaker 1 Let me... Oh, I know

Speaker 1 Wendy's theme song. Hip-hop.
Okay. Oh, hip-hop.
Yeah, yeah. I was going to go Beethoven for you.
What was your first album? Beethoven? Oh, because of my age? Yeah, because you're an old fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and it said Wendy's, you know what I mean? It sounds like it's what I get it. Because you have red hair.
I get it. Yeah, yeah.
Now, hip-hop.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. I don't know now.

Speaker 1 I can even give you the title track. Go.
Bow down.

Speaker 1 What is it? Westside Connection. That's the thing.

Speaker 1 I knew it was going to be something more obscure you're like a real hip-hop wait a minute west side connect that with that bow down before we come to your town that was like my favorite bow down

Speaker 1 do you ever hang out with him in social settings yeah yeah he is he is hard he is the best social human being i've ever seen nobody can schmooze schmooze like this guy it is he's the best it is remarkable the best at him it is remarkable i want to learn from him i tell and that's why he's always around the high people oh i i know i know because dude we had a meeting at sony today and he's best friends with everybody.

Speaker 1 He also,

Speaker 1 but whenever I see him like on a golf course with somebody, at first I would see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no. He knows that.
No, no, no. That's why you're blushing.
This is actually

Speaker 1 a good compliment, and I'm glad that you've seen it as well. Oh, 100%.

Speaker 1 We went to dinner once. First of all, never go to dinner with him.

Speaker 1 I try not to. This is what dinner is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before you even sit down, somebody goes, Santini goes, oh, I'll be right back, guys.
And then he just goes table by table. Table by table.

Speaker 1 Like he's fucking Don Rickles, just shaking hands. Exactly.
And then we're sitting there like assholes. Are you Sinatra? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Andrew, Andrew, can we order you something? Yeah, yeah. Andrew, do you want some cocktail or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get me whatever you guys get. He gave me this.

Speaker 1 He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, get me whatever you guys get.

Speaker 1 We were in a meeting at Sony Executives, and he's telling the, you know this happened. He's telling the group where he met certain people.
This is the first time I met any of these people.

Speaker 1 He's like Bill Clinton in like... He's like in 2009, man.
Remember you had that office over on this and this and this? He's like, yeah, man. I've been fucking with you for a while.
That's who you are.

Speaker 1 Okay, how are you?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I love them.

Speaker 1 I've always loved. No, no, no.
No, it's something. Thank you, Andrew.
It's something I admire. And I have a hard, this is the thing.
I have a hard time.

Speaker 1 Like, if there's somebody that, like, I really like or admire, it's very easy for me to talk to them. Yeah, yeah.
But it almost becomes like an interview.

Speaker 1 I'm like, really, I'm like, hey, you're really good at this thing and I want to know all about it. Yeah.
Everything.

Speaker 1 You hang out with people in a way where they're like.

Speaker 1 They, you're acting like they find you cool. Yeah.
Like, you know what I mean? Like, they're kind of trying to win you over. You got to to sell them on the you're the one.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You sell them on you're the one. You're meeting me.
I'm watching it. Yeah.
So what? So give me the, okay, I'm glad that you've also known it. Praise the Lord.
Put one down so we're on the same team.

Speaker 1 Yeah, please. Come on.
Your heart goes out. Make your heart go out.
Yeah. Doesn't your heart go? No.
You get your Kanye shirt. Do we get those Kanye shirts? Do they show up yet or no?

Speaker 1 We ordered 100 of them. All right.
Okay. Hold on.

Speaker 1 This is how you're like, really hate the juice.

Speaker 1 Double down.

Speaker 1 I can't get in this.

Speaker 1 So tell me, tell me, what is it? Like, when you meet somebody who's like really famous, how are you making them feel so comfortable? Because you know everybody wants their attention. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What is your, what is this social skill you've developed? I mean, this is going to sound awful. No, it's not.
I'm fascinated, but I think it is a true character. I just don't.
I don't praise the Lord.

Speaker 1 You've noticed this, right? Yeah, yeah. I just don't.
Hallelujah. I don't care.
I don't care to treat them other than... A guy I just.
So you're just ball busting. I just don't care.

Speaker 1 And if they're like, oh, I don't like that. You're too, too

Speaker 1 familiar. I, then I don't care.
So you remove yourself. Then we're not cool.
If I I can't treat you like a human, then I'm not fucking interested. So you're immediately, it's just like.

Speaker 1 The most famous people I've ever met, I treat them just like a fucking regular human. And they probably love it because everybody treats them so weird.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And the fact that there's somebody who's treating them like they're in high school again, there's a comfort that they have. I'll tell you the real trick if you want the honest truth.

Speaker 1 If you want the honest truth, the reason I got

Speaker 1 all we wanted.

Speaker 1 I'm good. The reason that I got.

Speaker 1 Well, first of all, I'll give context to what he's saying. We were in a meeting in in Sony with one of my best friends in Los Angeles who got us the job.
You're welcome, freebie. What's the job?

Speaker 1 What's the job? We're doing an animated show. Yeah.
We're doing a movie. Movie, a movie, animated movie.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 But I will be honest, the reason that I did get comfortable not caring about famous people is my first job in L.A. was on punked.

Speaker 1 And I was so in my head all the time, all these celebrities would come to the studio. And at some point,

Speaker 1 I just stopped giving a fuck about trying to like, you know, oh my God, you're so good to meet you, do all that stuff. Because I was so worried about the bits.

Speaker 1 I didn't give a shit about the celebrity and they didn't give a shit about me.

Speaker 1 So it was kind of this great equalizer of when I was young, I met all these famous people and they didn't fucking give a fuck. I was a player on the show.
I was a nobody.

Speaker 1 And so I just kind of thought, I'm not going to fucking kiss ass to these people. It didn't mean anything to me.
So I never wanted to earn their friendship because I didn't care.

Speaker 1 And honestly, I met them all when I was 25 years old. That's when I met every famous person.
From Pumped. All these people.

Speaker 1 Andrew, man. I didn't give a shit.
They didn't like me anyway. It was like I was a young, broke gay player.
I'm going to give you some insight. Yeah.
He's going to be very mad about it.

Speaker 1 I love learning about you guys. I still get mad.
I'm listening. All right.
When we go to the airport, he acts as if he's Jason Bourne.

Speaker 1 Hat down. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right? Rifling.

Speaker 1 He's a star. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, just see. I'm open-haired.
No, I know. Bright-eyed.
You know what I mean? Say hi to everybody. Yeah.
Right. This guy thinks he's fucking Ethan Hunt.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Someone wants that tension.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Someone wants that tension.
I was waiting for you. I was waiting for a little backup.
Fuck you, Spaniard. Fuck you, Spaniard.
I'm acting normal. Spaniard.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So what I do is I wear a hat at the airport. I go sit down and I go relax and wait for my flight.

Speaker 1 This guy moses about.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 Oh, really? How did it turn to me?

Speaker 1 Is that Bobby Lee? That's what he wants so fucking bad. And I just want to chill, have a coffee, wait to get on my plane.
This guy, he'll purposely toss up his hair so it's fucking huge.

Speaker 1 He'll go in and out of that fucking W.H. Smith or whatever that convenience store is.

Speaker 1 It's a good convenience store. You're not buying anything.

Speaker 1 Don't buy shit. I like to look at the Dolly Ranchers.
He moses. He mosies.
Until he's recognized. Correct.
That's not what I do, Andrew. Fuck you.
Does it feel you? Does it feel good?

Speaker 1 Does it feel good to be recognized? What does it feel like? He fucking loves it. If it was sold in a can, he'd buy cases of it.
Can you come sit over here? Come sit over here.

Speaker 1 Come hang out. Is this Mike on? Is this Mike on? He will be.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel so much more balanced.
Yeah, so here's the deal. Okay, I need you to pack me up, okay? Okay, okay.
So

Speaker 1 here's the logic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I want you to be your heart open. This outfit is subdued.
This is not an attention-seeking outfit. Thank you.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much, dude. It is subdued, right?

Speaker 1 This guy goes to the airport. He's wearing a bright pink beanie, a bright blue jacket.
He's carrying bags like he's Dave Vitale. He's got like 30 bags around him.

Speaker 1 He loves people looking at him. One time you said to me, we weren't at the airport, I was just sitting there on a curb or something.
Yeah. And you turned to me and goes, I like your fashion.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think it looks like you know that I dress a certain way. You got great fashion.
I think you look different. Undoubtedly.
Yes.

Speaker 1 So what I'm saying is that I don't dress differently in my regular life than the airport. Okay.
Secondly, this. I can't go into the convenience store.

Speaker 1 Are you parched ever?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You want a bottle of water? Yeah. Are you allowed to get one? Yeah.

Speaker 1 If somebody accidentally goes, yo, Andrew Schultz,

Speaker 1 are you attention seeking? You usually send Carlos to buy you stuff. That's right.
Carlos has to go be the gopher and go. That's not.
Can you do an American accent? Yeah,

Speaker 1 he's doing it right now. I don't feel like he even tries.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Can you speak like us? Can you? I can't. Try.
Just give it a go. Say, hey, it's great to meet you, Andrew Schultz.
Hey, it's great to meet you, Andrew Schultz. He's a robot.
He's a serious.

Speaker 1 And, Andrew, I want to say one last thing. And this is truism.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I have Ozimpic burps. I just took a shot.
Don't. Are you doing the Ozimpic? Yeah, I did did it like an hour ago.

Speaker 1 Oh, is that the weight loss? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Wigovi. Wigovi, I mean.
Oh, wow. So check this out, okay? Many years ago.
Is he really on it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 How does that? What is that? I'm nauseous all the time. Like, I'm on chemo.
Let's move on.

Speaker 1 Or you're just getting ready for a couple of years down the road. Yeah, yeah.
Prepping.

Speaker 1 Stop.

Speaker 1 If I do get cancer, dude, you're going to feel bad about it. We're all going to get it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We're all going to get it. All right, so I was doing a radio show with Pratrice O'Neal

Speaker 1 in New York. And I was complaining about how Dr.
Ken is getting everything at that time.

Speaker 1 Right. And he pulled me outside when we were done.
He goes, yo, son. That's what he said.
Yeah. He goes, Ken Jong said that? No, no, he wasn't there.

Speaker 1 And Pratrus goes, you know, you and I are similar, right?

Speaker 1 I go, in what way? He goes, we don't know how to do that social shit.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? We don't know how to bend or bridge the gap, right? We're so insecure and so we're with comics, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that we can't go to a party and fake it and have this, you know, this mask that some people wear, you know? That's about the only thing you and Pratucio Neal have in common.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 1 Nice. Go sit in your chair.
Nice. Anyway.
I can't believe he's saying you're faking it. No, you don't think you fake it.
No, I think you actually love those.

Speaker 1 I think it's a fun thing for you. I think if it was work, you wouldn't do it.
No,

Speaker 1 I enjoy talking to people who I talk to. There are some people I don't care to see ever again.

Speaker 1 I want to talk about you for a second, too. What I do behave.
What I do. So the first time I met you was where.

Speaker 1 Montreal. Exactly.
Yeah, we had a lovely, lovely meal that you paid for. You're a gentleman.
Yes. And at that moment, I go, this kid is going to go places.
Oh, wow. Because of the, just the...

Speaker 1 What your vision of what Hollywood is going to be like was spot on, right? And that what we're doing online is the future and all that stuff. And that you said that many, many years ago.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And you were very kind that, that, uh, that weekend.
I will say that. You were the kind of person.
Yeah, because I'm a kind person. I think you are.
I do think you are. Admit that.

Speaker 1 I feel like.

Speaker 1 But I didn't make you feel insecure at all. Exactly.
You were like the most confident. Like some people.
Do you think Andrew makes you feel insecure?

Speaker 1 Why does he make you feel insecure? Let me tell you another example, dude.

Speaker 1 I'm so good social. I'm taking it all day today.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to compliment you. I'm trying to say, I'm making it.
I'll tell you all.

Speaker 1 He'll spin it, dude. He's an evil person.
I'm not an evil person. He's a little Korean spider.
You'll spin this into whatever narrative he wants.

Speaker 1 He'll take the fucking web and he'll just spin it into whatever he wants. They don't have web spider monkeys.
Anyway,

Speaker 1 they have longer.

Speaker 1 I put monkey on it. But that's

Speaker 1 just how I feel. So what I want to say to you is this, okay?

Speaker 1 I don't know what I was going to say. Oh, yeah.
So this

Speaker 1 is Montreal. We met.
We met at Montreal. Right, right.
We connected.

Speaker 1 I thought I had good ideas about how the business would go. Right.
And you were right on it. But you had a confidence about you, right? That was very

Speaker 1 just confident. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And you fulfilled all those things. Yeah.
You know what I mean? All your dreams came through. So I kind of put you in his category in many ways.
Ah. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I think he's better socially. Well, I know what I was going to say.
That's all I was going to say. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm a social butterfly. I'm an only person.

Speaker 1 I'm an only child who loves to run into people. I had no.
If you.

Speaker 1 I would never guess you're an only child. Well, I had a sister, but our gap was almost 10 years.
So So it was like, we didn't grow up together. Okay.

Speaker 1 My half-sister, we were so, we're friends as adults.

Speaker 1 Were you like a cul-de-sac kid where like there's the neighborhood, you're talking to people on the block, like you're allowed to go outside your house?

Speaker 1 I sports all time. Sports.
He lived like the movie The Wire. The Wire, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Urban.
Baltimore. I was in three gangs when I was a kid.

Speaker 1 I got beat. I got joked on.
No, you're being joked on. I thought about it.
But didn't you have, did you live in like a. When I was a kid, kid.

Speaker 1 And then when I was a teenage, when when I was in high school, we were in the suburbs. All right.
But I, dude, I was, I wanted to be social all the time.

Speaker 1 I'm like my mom. I hate being home.
I want to be out as much as possible. I want to go see people.
I want to go do shit. Homebody, I'm the antithesis of homebody.
Really? Hate being at home.

Speaker 1 And you've got a beautiful home. Home is a place to sleep at night.
That's it for me. Really? I don't need to be.
I don't even, dude, I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 I've never in my heart have ever, ever had the like need for like a, like, to, to make a house a home. Don't care.
A house is just a place to keep my shit. That's nice.
Anyway,

Speaker 1 I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing.
I'm saying. You're leaving? Get him a water.
Oh, there's one right by you. Right by your foot.
Right by your foot. Okay.
No,

Speaker 1 I'm trying to say, I'm trying to say the truth is I don't, I don't, home is a place to sleep.

Speaker 1 I don't care about it. I mean, great job.
Well, I mean, I'm just telling him something.

Speaker 1 God, there's rage in your eyes. No, no, I'm just you stepping on me.
I'm telling something. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, my friend. But no, hi, go, dude, come do some of your bullshit.

Speaker 1 Tell me about how you're like Patrice O'Neal.

Speaker 1 The greatest, fuck, one of the greatest comics of all time. Tell me how similar you are to that guy.
Go ahead. Tell me that fucking

Speaker 1 bomb story that you told over there. Oh, you're getting personal.
Fucking bomb story. What do you mean, getting personal? You're shooting at me.

Speaker 1 Put your gun up there. I don't have a gun, dude.
Well, then fucking tell me. I have a flower.
Then get off the range.

Speaker 1 Get off the range. Right, like the fucking 60s, dude.
Right. Right? You do.
He steps in front of a tank and surprised that we want to run him over. Yeah, but it's for peace and love.

Speaker 1 Well, don't get in the way of a tank. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, fuck it. It's not not even funny, dude.

Speaker 1 You know what? I'm not even going to say what I want to say. You started it.
I'm not even going to say what I'm going to say.

Speaker 1 Because it's going to... Oh, I'm going to say my point.
It's not funny. It's an observation.
Oh, go ahead. So, Wham.

Speaker 1 The band? Yes. Okay.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 He says where the band wham. So the wham broke up.
I thought that was the first album.

Speaker 1 Why did the wham break up?

Speaker 1 Why? Egos. Egos.
Yes, that'll be. Every band have ego.
I understand this philosophy. But

Speaker 1 you guys never have that issue. We never have a.
Do you know why? Why is that? I give him the majority of the power.

Speaker 1 Yes, I do.

Speaker 1 I give him 60. When he's a daughter.
When he gets the power, you know that we were trying to say. Responsibility.
Work. Responsibility.
Yeah. Jobs.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I give him all of the work.

Speaker 1 And I just mosey on in. So that I don't break up the band.
It's out of love for you. You didn't even bring the instruments.
We had to bring them for you. I know, because it's a cyber agent.

Speaker 1 This guy shows up to practice. Like, did anybody tune my shit? Yeah.
We have a garage band now. What do we need instruments for? But anyway, um, no, I'll tell you why this band is so good.

Speaker 1 Tell me, tell me, yeah. For real.
Be honest, because I thought what I was said was kind of honest, but now why do you guys think you've had so much success for so long? Well, I think because

Speaker 1 our love is, I say it, I said it before.

Speaker 1 No matter what we say to each other,

Speaker 1 there's love beneath all of it anyway.

Speaker 1 You could say the craziest shit. I love them so much.
It doesn't matter. I don't care.
It should be this, okay, if I may. Yeah.
Okay. And I'm not attacking you.

Speaker 1 I'm not attacking you. I love you so much.
Right. Oh, dude.
Right. So, um.

Speaker 1 Good. Okay.
It's a flowering gun.

Speaker 1 Go. Okay.
So, um.

Speaker 1 You do a fun. I know when I know, like, there was one time, and he knows with me, too.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's one time where I told the crew, I don't think today is a good day to, like, let Andrew be, he's going through something because I know he goes through depression. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He goes through the really deep depressions. Really? Yeah, yeah.
It's really bad. Like, it's like clinical almost.
I feel. No, not almost.
It literally is. It is literally clinical.

Speaker 1 He literally shuts down and he doesn't say anything all day long. Yeah.
And sometimes he needs to drift away. So you isolate big time.
Yeah. Yeah.
If I'm in a bad mood, I don't want, I just.

Speaker 1 So what would,

Speaker 1 if I went, what the fuck's your problem?

Speaker 1 That would cause a riff. Yeah.
So I let him be him. Yeah.
And then when I'm going through my stuff, he lets me be me. I lift him up.

Speaker 1 I have a story about him doing that with you.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 I remember you were going through.

Speaker 1 Hold on. No, you were going through a really hard time.
And I remember I was like, I was just talking to you and I was checking in with you about something. And then you were,

Speaker 1 yeah, you were just saying that you were, I don't know if you had relapped or something like that.

Speaker 1 I forget exactly what it was, but like you were just saying that he was going through a really hard time and that you guys needed to be.

Speaker 1 That was really sweet. You're like, you have to let him go through these things.
You got to be there for him. And ultimately, he's going to pull himself through it.
We just got to love him through it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's amazing.
Thank you so much. And I know that you're being sarcastic right now, but

Speaker 1 that is a beautiful thing from a friend.

Speaker 1 Don't to fuck you yeah don't to fuck don't fuck our guy no fuck you and i was being sincere thank you i don't know i don't know it's hard for him to be sincere it is it is a little hard all right let me do it again then all right do it again

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Speaker 1 Please, give me a shot. Sorry.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much. Why are you thanking me? Thank you so much.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I forgot who the part was. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Do you have conflicts with India?

Speaker 1 See? Do you have conflicts with India? He really doesn't care.

Speaker 1 Ask me a question you really care about. Yeah, do you have conflicts with India? Yes, with India,

Speaker 1 the country I have. No, no, no.
I'm talking about

Speaker 1 all the time, for sure.

Speaker 1 But that's my only. That's my day one.
So you get through it. Akash.
Yeah. Actually, very rarely, though.
He stopped texting me for a while. Why? Well, because I never responded to him.

Speaker 1 You didn't respond to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, were you going through something? No.

Speaker 1 He ghosted him on some shit. about it.
He was upset about it.

Speaker 1 Was it reasonable that he was upset? Yeah, yeah. He ghosted him.
He just never responded. But that's not because of a personal thing.
If he doesn't understand that,

Speaker 1 that's his problem. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What? Have I ever texted you back? Yeah. Every time.
Every time. Yeah.
You're a big star.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 You're number one on the call shit. That's right.
Does Bobby treat more famous people differently? Oh, my fucking God.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Brother. Here we go, brother.
You know know who doesn't do that?

Speaker 1 Who? That's Santino. That's right, baby.
Dude, he sucks. As who doesn't do it.
This guy, when we see somebody, when we're with somebody who's famous, what does he do? Dude, dynamically changes.

Speaker 1 Tell me what. He puts what? He hides, too.
Eventually. He puts on a show and then he disappears because he doesn't want them to over-critic.
Analyze it.

Speaker 1 Oh, so it's like kill and then get out of there. 100%.
Kill him. No,

Speaker 1 he kills and he gets the fuck out of there. Because you're like, I'm going to fuck this up.
Yeah, like, so Michael Bay,

Speaker 1 the director. Oh, let let me tell the story.
Let me tell it. My story.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 God, dude. Hold on, let him open it up.
Let him open it up. I'll let him tell the story first.
Michael Bay, Michael Bay's wife is a huge Bobby Lee fan. Is like in love with Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 And so she convinced Michael, A, to listen to the show.

Speaker 1 And then, B, to start coming to see us live. Right.
So Michael and his wife have come to the comedy store a few times. I mean, that's a big deal.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they come because Bobby Lee is, they cannot get enough. Yeah.
So the last time Michael Bay came, the last, thank you, Carlos, for a little spit cup. Yeah.
Guy who goes to W.H.

Speaker 1 Smith at the airport. The last time Michael Bay came to the comedy store, me and him are back-to-back, tag teaming, and it's a great hot night.
And he's in the green room. I get off stage.

Speaker 1 He's with Michael Bay and his wife, who I do not know. I'm not familiar with them.
I've barely, I've said hello. And I get off stage.
And what do you do? Go ahead. Take it away, kid.

Speaker 1 Can I take over the story? Yeah, I just fucking gave it to you. Okay, thank you.

Speaker 1 I don't like your energy right now. Tone it down.
No, go ahead. Okay.

Speaker 1 So he comes, right?

Speaker 1 And it's always.

Speaker 1 So we're in the green room in the main room, in the bathroom part. In the private, in the like,

Speaker 1 in the private part, right? He sits down, and it's always like, World War II, right?

Speaker 1 They're attacking. You're, you know what I mean, a convenience store owner.
You're still a merchant guy. Yeah, yeah.
But it's a role that, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 explain me the history of he's pitching him a role right right right and i get so disencombobulated yeah that's right is that the right word yeah yeah i get discombobulated yeah i go i i need to do pass

Speaker 1 and i pass michael bay to him he literally grabs me and goes dude come in here come in here and then what i do i walk into the room and he disappears

Speaker 1 to get the other guy so then i'm in there with michael bay and i get bill i'm getting bill burry ready to be the tag i will give credit let me give credit where credit is due.

Speaker 1 As soon as Bill walked in, I was like, fuck you, I can get out of here. I did that for you.
Because Michael and his wife, I don't know them well.

Speaker 1 And I was also like, this is, they're wanting to talk to him. I'm this interim thing.
It's another pitching. No, no, they're not pitching me.

Speaker 1 Now it's more like, so how is comedy? I'm like,

Speaker 1 oh, fuck. Fuck.
It was so. Yeah, it's fucked.
And it's just because they want to talk to him, but he's so uncomfortable, he throws on me. When I saw Bill walking, he's like, what's up, dude?

Speaker 1 I was like,

Speaker 1 I was. I'm the one that fends the bill.
So that was very nice. I said, Michael Bay really wants me.
He was just lie. But he gets nervous.
He gets uncomfortable. Yeah, he lies.

Speaker 1 And then Michael Bay was like, what are you doing? So you alley-ooped? I alley ooped. I alley ooped to Bill Burr.
But Bill can't touch the net. But Michael Bay doesn't want it.
He doesn't want it.

Speaker 1 But they start hitting it off. And I just went into the Hollywood.
And guess who got the convenience store role in World War II? Bill Burr. Ken Jones.
He lost.

Speaker 1 What is Ken Jong in it? So what I do, and this is the difference between him and I, right? Whereas I'm not comfortable. Like, he's invited me, like, hey, Lee.

Speaker 1 I go, Michael, he goes, come over to Thanksgiving. There's no way I want to go over there for Thanksgiving.
Oh, it's

Speaker 1 they love him. Yeah, yeah.
His wife and Michael are like in love with him. You invite him to Super Bowl.
I go, I'm going to Miami, which I was. Are you familiar with his work? Yeah, I love it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's a prolific movie. I love his movie.
They're like just action-packed fun. He couldn't go to Michael Bay's thing for the Super Bowl because he had to go with Jake Paul.

Speaker 1 You had to go to Jake Paul to do... To his Super Bowl party.
In Miami. He flew to Miami for that.
He's trying to dumb that one down. So you were so busy at the show.
Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 We couldn't shoot that week, by the way. We We couldn't shoot the show because I'm sick.
Oh, you're sick? What did you do the next morning? Went to Miami with Jake Paul.

Speaker 1 Why didn't you get him tickets to the Super Bowl?

Speaker 1 I was at a Super Bowl party. I worked like a shill.
At his house. I did a job.
What were you doing? In Vegas. I did a job.

Speaker 1 I took a check.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 I was doing a thing with Brian Erlacher.

Speaker 1 It was like a shit. Who's Brian Erlacher? He was an ex-NFL player.
Exactly. What the fuck does that even mean? What do you mean? Big time.
He's big time.

Speaker 1 He's big time. And then he's on the Celtic court front seat.
I saw it. Who gets that? Jack Nicholson? And this guy.
Celtic court. I wouldn't be leaving getting in the building.
Jack Nicholson.

Speaker 1 Are you just saying that because of the departed? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jack Nicholson's really white. He pulled you.

Speaker 1 And Matt Damon, right? That's right. And Leo.
They go to the Celtic court. I go to Boston, right? Yeah.
I couldn't get in the building. I don't.

Speaker 1 And if I do, I'm the top row with the hand, with a thing finger. I always believe.
I'm going, rah, rah, rah. You know what I mean? Thank you.
Bye bye. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 You know what's supposed to be true.

Speaker 1 I'd have to buy a ticket. There's no connections I have.
That's the truth. Do you think that they feel a little bit like, what's that term, like neged or whatever?

Speaker 1 Like they're trying so hard to, you know, have you be part of their friend group, and you're rejecting it so much. No, I know, that's insane.
That's crazy. That's crazy talking.
Validate that.

Speaker 1 Is that kind of what happens? Be real. Be real, Carlos, or I'll get mad.
No, don't use that.

Speaker 1 Don't use that. He's here in headlights.
No, because you're gaslighting him right now. Let him answer his own fucking question.

Speaker 1 Does he try, does what Schultz just said, does he try when people are like,

Speaker 1 does he try to push away from that? Yeah, because the more famous you are on the show, the faster he'll come back here and hang, something he never does. Exactly.
Yeah, but you push away.

Speaker 1 I don't push away. You push away.
I escape. Okay.
Two different things. Okay, dude, you get it.
You know what I mean? Let me ask you something. If you're in Auschwitz, would you be digging holes?

Speaker 1 Oh my. Wait, what? I think that's the wrong.
I think that's a wrong term of that. You want to do that? If you're in a Japanese internment camp, there it is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it.

Speaker 1 If you're in a

Speaker 1 Japanese internment camp, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be the Japanese going, I have to.
Do you know how they made sure they were just Japanese in there?

Speaker 1 They looked at the penises? No. Okay, that's what I do.
But I was asking a friend of mine who's like, parents were, no, grandparents were in the camps. George Sakai who was a Japanese dude.
Okay. And

Speaker 1 I was just like, how did they like, because I feel back in the day, it was a little more loose, right? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, they kind of round him up in there.

Speaker 1 Oh, you think there's a guy there going, I Chinese? Well, wouldn't you? At all. At all.
I Chinese. Wouldn't you? Is Is that not the fucking thing? You look like a kid.

Speaker 1 Right? Maybe. By the way, that's a great movie in Escape Story of a guy

Speaker 1 who pretends to be other Asian. ICHE.

Speaker 1 It's called ICAN. ICHINES.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just a Korean guy being super racist to other Asians.
So he's an American born. He's an American.
He doesn't even have an accent.

Speaker 1 But he survives, you know what I mean? By Pearl Harbor. You know what I mean? I Chinese.
I Chinese.

Speaker 1 And then when he's older, maybe the LA Riots.

Speaker 1 He's an old man. I Chinese.
He gets out of all It's a whole, it's an epic. Tell us what your guy said.
So I asked him, I was like, how did they figure it out?

Speaker 1 They must have just lumped them all in there. Like, whatever.
Probably the last names, Andrew. No, well, how would that matter? And they wouldn't.
Yeah, what are you talking about?

Speaker 1 They also probably wouldn't ask their fucking name. No, they're just looking at you and you look fucking Japanese and they throw you in.
What's your name? I'm Frank Wong. Sounds good.
Get in there.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. Went in there.
That's right. Tell me when you do that.
Dude, absolutely. I'm border patrol.
I'm the

Speaker 1 okay. Hey, what's your name, pal? Excuse me.
Can I ask a quick question? Yeah. Right? Yeah.
What the fuck do I do here? Oh, oh, oh.

Speaker 1 You're with the other Japanese guys. Go get in line.
But

Speaker 1 you listen to with your ear, right?

Speaker 1 I Chinese. Prove it.
Zip.

Speaker 1 This guy's Chinese.

Speaker 1 That's how it would go. I would show my dad.

Speaker 1 So he goes,

Speaker 1 oh yeah, they just spoke to him in other Asian languages. And if they couldn't speak back, they knew that they were Japanese.
Oh, wow. And I'm like, whoa, that is way easier.
That's way easier.

Speaker 1 That's like the easiest thing. Oh, right, because the Japanese knew English? No.

Speaker 1 They would speak to to the Japanese guy in Korean, and if he couldn't speak back, they'd be like, oh, that's a fucking thing. Oh, wow.
That's a good, clever way of doing it. Yeah, it isn't it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we were just rounding you up.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But what if it's like a Japanese

Speaker 1 are given the job to round up all the Japanese? They'd be like, this is going to be fucking easy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but my argument against that is there was something, because Japanese have been part of America for so long. A lot of them didn't even speak Japanese.
Yeah, that's all.

Speaker 1 Yeah, some of them were second-generation Asians. Dude, my friend's parents didn't speak Japanese.
And then after that, it stopped. Like, they stopped entirely.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because that's how you end up in a camp. And that's what happened to George Dakai.
Yeah. George Sakai

Speaker 1 as a kid. Yeah.
Right. He was Japanese, though.
But he was in a camp as a kid. So they got it right.
They got it, right? Yeah, they nailed it. And then he got Star Trek.

Speaker 1 Then he got Star Trek. I think it's evil.
Well, we gave him Star Trek to make up for full reparations. That's your 48th episode.
TV star. That's good.

Speaker 1 40 episodes. He got 40 episodes.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you about the baby. Yes, talk to me.
How many do we have now? Yeah, I got. Still one.
Yes. I was talking to Kalila earlier.
Never enough. And I asked her.

Speaker 1 Endless fucking congrats.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Call him with a bunch of people. Congratulations.
Yeah, thank you. Oh, thank you.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I think we're past that. Yeah.
Yeah. You know how I feel about it.
Yeah. How do you feel?

Speaker 1 I don't like it.

Speaker 1 Hates it. He is a bully.
He's really

Speaker 1 bullying. That's insane.
And it's darts. Thank you.
It's not

Speaker 1 dangerous. Fuck you.
It's insane. Because you're so fun and silly, and then it's just a fucking sniper shot.
Yeah. Even this right here, whatever that move move was yeah yeah it was that was bullying

Speaker 1 don't do this carlo it's trying to troll you right now oh that feels that's we're still you're fine hang on bro yeah i don't ever stick a penis in my butthole no no that's not that what is that anyway let's just move off

Speaker 1 when they put it yeah when a girl puts on a dildo and they fuck you from behind no what's that called fun that is uh

Speaker 1 no it's called fun it's called fun it's a fun time that's oh yeah yeah fun time forget the word is your baby the love of your life yes it is undoubtedly it's every cliche you could ever imagine it almost like

Speaker 1 i understand like why comics do the joke about like how annoying their kids are. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it's because it's the only take that is counter what we all feel. Exactly.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, you know how you could take the other angle? Like we all do this comedically, right? Yeah. You know how I take the angle that's not there and then find a way to justify it.

Speaker 1 The feelings you have for your kid are so unbelievably hacky

Speaker 1 that you feel unoriginal. Like it's every possible cliche.
Our whole life we're trying to have a unique take about things.

Speaker 1 And then you look at the kid and you're like, oh, my kid is the best laugh ever.

Speaker 1 And it is, of course. Oh, right.
And I wonder if it's just for me. Do you have a son or daughter? Well, I have a daughter.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 It's made up of your DNA. So it does something.
It must buy a lot of chemicals to do something for you. It's unbelievable.
Well, because it's like

Speaker 1 when you meet someone who has an ugly baby,

Speaker 1 they don't know that. They have no idea.
Oh, that's that. And that's chemical.

Speaker 1 That's chemical. They really don't fucking know.
I'm so glad. Because I've seen some Uggos.
Yeah, yeah. We have a friend.
And I say we have a friend that has an ugly baby. And,

Speaker 1 you know. Tight on the way out, though, they say that.
Oh, yeah. What's tight on the way? The pussy.
Yeah, because and the baby's head kind of gets smushed. It's warped.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a compliment to the wife to have an ugly baby. My wife had a C-section, so it was fucking.

Speaker 1 You know what? Why can't they just go feet first? What, like a slide? Bro, bro. Yeah.
The funniest thing about anatomy. Why can't they just go feet first? Yeah, yeah.
Hey, can you come out feet first?

Speaker 1 Babies are upside down. You know that.
I know, but you're going to flip them in there? Hear my thinking, David. Get tongs in there like you're barbecuing? Yeah, I'll walk.
I'll do the whole thing.

Speaker 1 Walk, walk.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Walk that baby. Yeah, fried noodle it.

Speaker 1 But what I would do is,

Speaker 1 because when the feet comes out in the body, it stretches the vagina. No, the head does that.
The head does. And then the shoulders do that.
But one to loosen it up.

Speaker 1 If you put head first, it's tighter. Yeah.
If you put feet out first, it'll loosen it up.

Speaker 1 I get your point. Okay, good.

Speaker 1 Man, they should. I can't believe you're not a doctor.

Speaker 1 Like, what were they thinking not hiring you? I don't know the, I don't know. No, I'm saying you're saying like that's the answer.
You think like fucking all these years. Okay, fine.

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 Do you, do you want kids, Bobby? It's the biggest insult to an Asian guy is to say he's not doctoral.

Speaker 1 You just don't have it in you, man.

Speaker 1 I do want him. Yeah? One.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And I will have one. Good.
Yes, you will. I got to find the person, though.
You'll be a great papa, too. And it's difficult.
It's been difficult, Andrew. What's your thing? You get behind it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I get behind the condom. I mean, I don't do it reverse.
Are you saying hit it from behind? Yeah, like, are you...

Speaker 1 I feel like you're like, you think I stick the fucking condom in my butthole and go do it from behind? What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 I think you stick it in your butthole and then you hold your nose closed and then you sneeze and blow it up.

Speaker 1 Bobby has a tail.

Speaker 1 Look at Bobby's tail. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay, I'll try that next time.

Speaker 1 But I did.

Speaker 1 But a lot of times, you know, women are like, I know you enough. What position? What position? I think you get behind it.
I don't. My knees burn.
Yeah. You got bad knees.
That's really rude.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Because I have short legs. Okay.
And the women that I date are much taller than me. So they're four or five.
Their pussies are at eye height.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So then they have to do a squatty thing, too.
And we're all burning thigh. You know what I mean? And it's like, I'll do like 10.
And then I'll go, hey, you want to switch back to the missionary?

Speaker 1 That's the one I'm good at. The problem is he counts.
He'll go, one, two, three, four. Oh, you're going out there.
I'm doing reps. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I got two more sets in me. Yeah.
What's your position? I think, I think on my back, I think I like laying down. The cowgirl.
Yeah. Love laying down.
That's fun. Laying down.
That's so fun.

Speaker 1 We've been doing the work for so long. Let them do something.
Also, they have to finish. Yeah.
And that's the position I can control the best. But here's the thing that they do.

Speaker 1 And I don't understand it. This.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 The Hulu hoop strategy. Tell me about that.

Speaker 1 They get on it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Instead of going up and down,

Speaker 1 they think they're in a luau. can i tell you why they think they're in a luau and it's twisting your thing you know i mean i think joy

Speaker 1 i think andrew's got an interesting uh

Speaker 1 opinion as to why they might do that yeah no no no i i know what you're implying right what and fuck you no no i know andrew

Speaker 1 the length i didn't say that at all saying

Speaker 1 about what it does up and down

Speaker 1 the length man what is it what is it they want you to be they want to hit the sides they want you to feel the sides and you're skinny you're skinny you do have a skinny penis oh wow you do have a skinny penis it's not small but it is is skinny.

Speaker 1 So it's just, it's just kind of like bouncing. It's like an oodo noodle.

Speaker 1 It's one of those carts.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And they need to shake it around to hit the sign.
Yeah. You know how like grass in the breeze? Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes. You frolic through grass.
Yeah. It's kind of like that, my penis.
Really? Yeah, just frolic. Just frolic with the wind.
You know what I mean? No, but the leg is there.

Speaker 1 Tell them what the last girl said. She said, you had what? Boyfriend penis.
Boyfriend penis. Which is, they say that's really good.
She said, explain to boyfriend penis.

Speaker 1 She goes, not the smallest, it's not small, but it's not like this big, unmanageable. It's like a boyfriend.
It's a dick that I could have sex with in perpetuity. Wow.

Speaker 1 I said, that's a huge compliment. That is a great compliment.
Boyfriend penis is great. And who is this girl? She's gone.

Speaker 1 First girl that loves your cock.

Speaker 1 We're like, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. Delete.
Elite, delete.

Speaker 1 She said I was worthy.

Speaker 1 Just pawn the cord. No, Andrew.
Yes. Okay.
Yeah. Many women have said it.
Yes. That have been.
Maybe you have a great thick.

Speaker 1 Maybe you have a great thick and you've been catfishing us or no, gaslighting us. I'm being real for a second.
Ian Fiden saw it. You showed it to me and I was,

Speaker 1 I was, uh,

Speaker 1 what is it called it?

Speaker 1 Like, I was impressed because of how low an expectation you made me have. Right.
That's what you got to do. You put the bar real low.
Yeah, you put it on. And I see it on 80 every day.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I I don't know what that. You know what I mean? You're not you.
And then when they see it, they go, oh, it's boyfriend. It's smart.
It's a smart place.

Speaker 1 That's a fucking move. Yeah, yeah.
He tells everybody, like, you're not going to like me. I'm a small dick.
Yeah. And then they get in there, like, what? This is great.

Speaker 1 Santina looks like he's got a fucking thing on him. He does, I think, no, it's no, you do look like

Speaker 1 that. That's why you talk to celebs because you're looking at them like they got little.
Do you have a big one? Do you have a big one? You have a big one, no? What? Yeah. Porn stars have your body on.

Speaker 1 I got boyfriend, Dick, dude. Oh, you do? I got husband dick.
So Ian, I got girlfriend dick. Ian finance saw mine in

Speaker 1 a spa. And and he can judge.
He also has bad vision. Ah, yeah, yes, he was really bad vision.
Blur, they widened. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he even said, It's so cute. That's mean.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, I think it's a compliment. I think it's a dick, I think it's a sitcom penis.
Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, like a test well. I'm here, it's test well, it does test well.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, if it was in a sitcom, they'd be like, People are like, oh, they like it, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, it's Pixar, whatever, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Nemo,

Speaker 1 not Nemo, not Nemo, Dory. Not Dory.
No, no, no. I don't really know.
What's that big white blob of a, you know what I mean, the robot? Inflatable white. Oh, that one.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Big Hero 6.

Speaker 1 It could be Big Hero 6. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The presence that that carries, you carry. Yeah.
You carry love, warmth, happiness. Can we talk about this for a second, though? It's something I've thought about.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How long has marriage been a thing in the human race? Since the beginning of marriage. Yeah, I think since the beginning.
No, 5,000 years. Okay.

Speaker 1 For 4,300 years.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so 4,300 years. Yeah.
Were human beings around before that? Yeah. For how many years?

Speaker 1 Well, this is a long time. Probably thousands of years.
Thousands more. More.
Maybe. It could be a million.
Maybe millions. Right? We don't know.
What the fuck did they do that in the million years?

Speaker 1 They got married. They just.
No, they didn't. You don't think? No, they were nomads.
Well, you still got married. No, no, you would go, go to a village or a dwelling.

Speaker 1 Polygamy was common throughout history. Cousin marriages remain common throughout the world, particularly in the Middle East.
Yeah. Still to this day, you can marry your cousin out there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Lugut at Akash.

Speaker 1 I love him. He's so talented.
I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 So fucking funny. Our goal is to make Akash's wife the biggest TikTok superstar.
She's so hot. TikTok.

Speaker 1 And she's beautiful. She's great.

Speaker 1 But my goal is to remove all the leverage he has in his relationship. That's so cool.
So if she's making way more money. Is she in the business or no?

Speaker 1 No, she's just on TikTok, but we're trying to make her a TikTok superstar. What's her Jasleen with it? Yeah.
What's her TikTok? That's promotable. Jas Lean with it.
She's on TikTok. Jasleen with it.

Speaker 1 Jasleen with it. TikTok.
Let's see what the TikTok is. That's it.
There it is. Jasleen with it.
Yeah. There we go.
And how many subscribers does she have?

Speaker 1 I mean, it would make me feel really good for her to surpass Akash in fame. But why?

Speaker 1 Ask yourself the question: why? Because it's funny. Yeah, we like to see our friends suffer.
Yeah, what the fuck? This is the point. What do you think this whole show is? Yeah.
All right, there we go.

Speaker 1 There she is. Yeah, there she is.
Wow. How are you guys doing? I'm here on Valentine's Day.

Speaker 1 Dead on. The second I said it, I was like, this is a horrible idea.

Speaker 1 Jessalene, I'm trying to build you up.

Speaker 1 So are we? We're trying to build you up. So are we? All the bad friends following Jessalene on TikTok.
Yeah. Wow.
Watch me get ready for my first Rolex.

Speaker 1 Have you guys ever had lucky charms in the morning, man?

Speaker 1 I'm getting a charm on my wrist. Rolex, man.
Talk about Akash.

Speaker 1 No, it's the same accent. All right.

Speaker 1 All right. So she is beautiful, Akash.
Follow her, everybody. And Akash, we love you, man.
We love you, my dad. Love Love you, Akash.
My daughter. No, we love you so much.

Speaker 1 But what I'm saying is, is that is it human nature to be with one person for the rest of your life? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's

Speaker 1 well, marriage for sure, being with you. Having a partner for the rest of your life.
I don't know if it's genetically.

Speaker 1 I think that we assume that it's supposed to be perfect for your whole life. It's not a natural state.
Okay. But it's a social construct that I think has clinged to many people.
I mean, I can do it.

Speaker 1 It benefited us.

Speaker 1 It wouldn't still be here if it didn't didn't help us as a society

Speaker 1 or help some people, right? Like this. In the same way that, like, I'll tell you why it happened.
Yeah. Well, sent to you.

Speaker 1 I know it a little bit about us. And we don't have kids.
I know a little bit about us.

Speaker 1 In the same way that, like, I think it would make me very happy to have kids. If we don't have them, it's okay.
So to me, it's kind of like that same thing.

Speaker 1 If some people don't get married, I know that they're like, I'm okay with it. Yeah.
I think it just services people who it services. But you're glad that you have a partner.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm glad I have somebody that like is along for the ride up and down.

Speaker 1 It's all the above. I think the people that the mistake that was given to people socially is like, marriage is this perfect, wonderful thing.
You're going to be happy every single day of your life.

Speaker 1 That's a joke. That shit is work, bro.
You're going to have crazy downs. You have crazy ups.

Speaker 1 Are you always attracted to them, though? I find her attractive. Yes, but you're not always like in a, it's not like a fucking.
It's not a state of horniness

Speaker 1 every second, but you find them beautiful. Yeah, yeah, that's different.
You're in love with this person. I watched a documentary called Civilization.
Yes. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So we were nomads for many, many years. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 As soon as we had grow crops. Yes.
Wheat. Wheat.
Yes. And we made settlements.
Yeah. And that's when the marriage thing came.
That's right. Right.
When we could afford them. I don't know.

Speaker 1 As soon as we built up enough equity, then we were like, okay, I have stuff if you need it. But I think it was harder to do as a nomad to keep a relationship.
Well, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, in nomads. I'll see you whenever.

Speaker 1 But we still need to make the kids and we still need to protect them. Yeah.
Oh, that's true. Got Got to protect them.
Okay. I mean, that's probably why it was built.

Speaker 1 Yeah, for community and protection. And yeah, also to pass down like assets and shit.
That's what all the marriage was, I think, in like the royal family. Yeah.
100%.

Speaker 1 Like, how do we keep all this land within

Speaker 1 this?

Speaker 1 I believe it's supposed to be true then. Yeah.
Okay. You believe in it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I think about maybe is it maybe it isn't. If you never meet someone and never have a family, who would you

Speaker 1 bequeath all of your assets to? Like any money you've earned or a house that you earned. Oh, if I had no woman? If you had no one and you were on your way.
If my my mom's still alive or is she dead?

Speaker 1 Everybody's dead. Everyone's dead.
My brother not? Dead. Steve's younger.
He's dead now. I just couldn't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. No, what, what? If Steve's still alive, probably most to him.
And then the rest too?

Speaker 1 If you're still alive, I'd give you some. Okay, that's nice.

Speaker 1 Okay. Shultzy.
Yeah. I love you.
I love you. I love you, man.
It's always fun with you. I love hanging with you guys.
It's so fun with you. Yeah, you guys are great.
Yeah. Shultzy has a special.
Yes.

Speaker 1 That's a Netflix special. Yeah.
It is called Life. Yeah.
It is his life.

Speaker 1 I saw him run it. Well, run pieces of it, I guess, in Phoenix.
When we were in Phoenix together, I saw that. That was my first weekend.
I know. I saw that.
It's kind of cool watching you peel it.

Speaker 1 And now I know it's dramatically different than what I first saw. Sure, sure.
But incredible, as usual. Can I ask you some questions? I'm doing one now.
Yeah, please.

Speaker 1 Where are you doing it? This is like a big Hulu. Hulu.
Shout out Hulu. We both did Hulu.
I know you did Hulu. We left.

Speaker 1 So I've never done one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of expectations on it.

Speaker 1 And that's what I'm worried about. Yeah, of course.
You've like

Speaker 1 built it up. I feel like they want to see the best.
Yeah. And I can only just do what I can do.
I think you just got to do what you do. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't think, again, what he just talked about, you cannot care what they're thinking about. There are going to be people that hate it, and they're going to be people that love it.

Speaker 1 I would argue a very, very small percentage of people are not going to like it. Yeah.
A remarkably small. But those people, there will be people that don't even watch it that hate it.
Yeah, I see.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I just decided they're going to hate it.

Speaker 1 Wouldn't you be able to watch that Bobby Lee special? Fuck that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's going to be a natural thing.
But at the same time, just do what you want to do. This is what I'm going to do.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm going to do it, and then I'm going to disappear. Yeah.
Oh, that's good, too. I'm going to Ari Shafura.
I love how Ari did it. We're still going to do the pod.

Speaker 1 We'll bank it. Because I want two weeks.
Where are you going to go? I'm going to go to Costa Rica. Don't you think after you shoot a special, you should have some time off? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You got to promote it for a little bit after it comes out. Not everybody.

Speaker 1 No, why can't I just do it before?

Speaker 1 Because, you know, with streaming, I think it matters after it comes out. Yeah, that's right.
Okay, then I'll do

Speaker 1 a month of promoting, and then I'll go to close. Also, I think that we all got a root for Hulu.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think we got to root for Hulu and root for Amazon because, like, the more places that are doing stand-up, the better it is for stand-ups. Good for all of us.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, because now there's competition. If it's just one place, they could just go, here's this amount of money, and you got to take it.
That's what I felt from the other company. Interesting.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, they didn't get that number that you wanted? No, they never offered. Yeah, that's not true.
That is 100% true. I imagine once you got an offer from Hulu, there was interest.

Speaker 1 I didn't literally hear that, but I didn't know. When are you taping? When are you taping? I just did it.
You just did it. I'm doing it in December.
Okay, cool. Where are you doing it? San Diego.

Speaker 1 Where? Balboa Theater. I love the Balboa Theater.
So good.

Speaker 1 Go watch Life on Netflix.

Speaker 1 Please

Speaker 1 enjoy our friend as much as we do.

Speaker 1 Andrew, look in that camera and say thanks for being a bad friend. Thank you so much for being a bad friend.
That's great. Oh, man.