Life As an Uggo w/ Andrew Schulz

Hello.

Hello there, mate.

Mate.

I'm Vincent Ticey.

We're coming to London, England, mate.

And then Dublin, Ireland right after.

I'm Tom Hardy.

He's Tom Hardy.

And I'm Andrew Santino.

And we're going to London, England, July 18th.

And then July 19th, we'll be in Dublin, Ireland.

Tickets are available right now.

We never go to these places.

Never go to these places.

Once the show's done, we no come back.

We no come back.

Yeah, yeah.

So you got to go.

You got to go.

So go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets. Badfriendspod.com Dot com.
Hey everyone from Texas, Houston specifically. I need you to buy tickets for my show on March 28th and 29th of this year.

Go to HoustonImprov.com.

Buy the tickets or I'm going to hurt myself.

I'm going to hurt myself. I might die.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are bad friends Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude You two are disgusting You two are something We're bad friends What happened to Gene Hackman? What happened to Gene? What happened to him? What happened to Gene? His wife died too What happened to Gene? And one dog Yeah, let me say something.
Let me say something. The dog was in the kennel, which I think is a little strange.
Don't you let your dogs free roam? I free roam my dog. I free roam, dog.
But- I'd be free roaming. My question is- How old was he, by the way? 95.
Time to go. I know.
You did your time. But his Asian wife, 65.

Right?

And dog died.

And two dogs survived.

Who were the survivors?

Let me see the survivor dogs.

Yeah, survivor dogs, man.

Yeah, yeah.

There they are.

There's some of the dogs.

Those are German Shepherds. German Shepherds.

They can live through anything.

They lived through the Holocaust.

They were very good in the Holocaust. They were were good dude and their work is not credited right i'm right it was not credited yeah yeah honestly though yeah yeah the other one that was bad was michelle trachtenberg died the same day right in new york uh oh that's not here it was in new york same day because gene had been dead a day when they found him They found him a day later It's a Hollywood tribal Okay we've talked about it on this show People die in threes Who's next Hold on on the count of three Hold on let me think of the name On the count of three we have to think of a name together We shouldn't predict You know what I mean You know what happens on the show when we predict yeah it doesn't it happens but so here's the thing they said it's not carbon monoxide poisoning gotta be they said it's not otherwise it's and they said it's not follow play so i have a prediction fair play so maybe someone deserved it was fair play and i understand i think this okay one of the dogs was scared of the asian wife.
Oh, at some point I'm gonna go soon It's me or her No he's German They're German shepherds I don't know She's looking at me One day she's gonna eat me And by the way Gene's getting so old He couldn't control her From doing that Right So one day The dog I can't do a can't do a German accent. Yeah, I will do it for you.
Yeah, do it for me. Saw a gigantic chocolate bar exposed.
Oh, I love chocolate. I know, but you know what it does to you.
What does it do to me? It kills you. So he saw the chocolate bar, right? This is my time.
And what does the other two dogs say? Well,

they're running.

They ran away.

They got away.

They were in the house.

Well,

who were,

uh,

look at the movie Crimson Tide.

Here's my conspiracy.

Love this movie.

You think Denzel did it?

That was my other theory.

I was honestly not going to say Denzel.

Zoom in.

I was going to say,

uh,

uh,

George Zunga,

that guy right there.

Fourth,

right before Vigo.

Oh,

no,

wait a minute.

Yeah. Vigo makes the most sense.
Vigo Mortensen is German. Oh, my God.
Oh, Aragorn did it. Aragorn did it.
Tell some of my dogs I sent to. That's a long play.
That's a long play. I don't know if he would go all the way to New Mexico.
Yes, he would. He loves New Mexico.
How do you know that Vigo Mortensen likes New Mexico? We vacationed there. Okay.
You know what? And rest in peace one of the greatest actors of all time Gina Hackman. God bless.
Do you realize Rest in so many pieces. That made so many good movies.
French Connection. Yeah.
Well I told you Crimson Tide is one of my favorite movies. Here's another one that you forgot.
So good. Young Frankenstein.
Oh my God. He plays the blind guy.
That's right. So funny.
Wow dude. He did everything.
Oh actually you know what look at all the movies we've done i mean it's insane here's my favorite voice he ever did though yeah ants so good in ants do it now he was the general do it we must fight to survive we must fight to survive you know that speech he does it's so is that him yeah okay he was. Okay.
He was so good in ants, dude. Okay.
King ant. He was.
Probably made of millions. I don't know about that.
Did animation pay that well back then? I don't think so. You're right.
Yeah, now that they got like superhero- They get points though, I think. Right.
Right. Well, I mean, yeah, I guess I got a residual check the other day for the sale of Ricky Stenicki to DVD.
What was it? Cha-ching. Big time, dude.
Cha-ching. $42.36.
Cha-ching. Really? That's what it was.
$42.36 or $0.37. I'd have to look it up.
People think that when you do these things. Residuals.
They're like, it must be raining down. I did movies for virtually free.
You lost money on something. I lost money.
A lot of money. It's not a lucrative thing.
Unless you're Ryan Reynolds. And be careful, Ryan Reynolds.
Why? They're coming for him. The business is all mad at him and his wife.
I didn't get involved in this shit on the internet because I didn't care to research. But it's funny how many stories are being told about these guys.
There's another story that I just saw on TikTok. It's the movie that he did, that sci-fi movie with Jake Gyllenhaal.
What was that movie called? I see it in my mind. Horizon or is it? No, not her.
Collateral Horizon. Life.
We were right there. We were right there.
So close. I would have got life.
So see the girl that's, back rebecca ferguson rebecca ferguson oh yeah said something crazy about him i don't know if it's true i wasn't there it looks true but he was really mean to her like a bully on set yeah yeah really and then one day she came on what his asshole is so insecure that he's just yelling at me all the time yeah and so one day she came comes on set and she goes i'm not'm not doing things with you anymore. I'm going to do it with the tennis ball.
No, with the, she stand with the tennis ball? Yeah, and then the producer went up to her and she goes, he's number one on the Chicago seat. He has to be there.
I don't know why. He probably doesn't want to be there.
Yeah. But again, we don't know if it's true, but it's enlightening.
Well, it's a bummer because then all those stories that TJ Miller told about working with him on Deadpool seemed to be much more valid much more valid like oh my people people didn't not believe him but they were like well you never know their relationship could have been toxic but it seems like how hard is it to be nice here's the deal i don't know the deal tell me the deal washington said about him who who denzel said about ryan reynolds yeah they were in a movie together, Save House. Oh, yeah.
And in an interview, they asked Denzel, they said basically, well, when Ryan Reynolds was there, he was just observing you and he forgot to act because he admired you so much. And Denzel said like, oh, is that what it was? I thought he was just terrible.
That's what Denzel said? Yeah. Wow.
Wow. And everybody on the show is like, wow.
That's amazing. And when Denzel's a truth teller he really is he really when he says like quote i don't know if it's ai but with his voice well it could be he can say anything and it'll be like a spiritual zoom into that photo you just pat that that's two lover boys look at that zoom into that photo denzel doesn't look stoked there he doesn't yeah he does not look he doesn yeah.
That is kind of crazy to think about. Well, here's the deal.
I'll answer your question. Yeah.
Is it hard to be nice on set? Yes. No, no, no.
Here's why, though. He's hot.
He's been hot his whole life. You and me, Ugo Ruggos, you know, knock, knock, knock.
Here we go! Knock, knock, knock. Bobby, Andrew, you guys ready? Are you guys out of your bucket of slime? You want to come shoot the scene? They do.
They treat the algos differently. The couple last movies, I was in one of those.
Quarter, like a fucking. It's not a quarter, 10% trailer.
It was like barely a human being could go in there. It's a bathroom.
Literally the toilet and that's it. You're sitting on the toilet to watch like, you know what I mean, YouTube videos.
You know what I mean? And then you have to wait there for so long. All day.
All day. And then you're like, hey, can lunch, can I leave? No.
And they go, no, absolutely not. We need you.
What if we need you? So then lunch happens four hours later. They don't need you.
They don't need you.

It's bullshit.

Yeah, this is what happens.

When you're regular and uggo,

if you're us who are regular looking guys.

But anyway, you're right.

I think if you're an uggo like us,

you're going to not get treated the way that...

Ryan Reynolds is so hot.

I know, but can I say something for a redhead?

And I get a lot...

One time I was at one of your shows.

What do you mean?

At our show that we do together? No, we weren't doing it it together it was a show that I was supporting you oh yeah and a lady in the audience I was sitting kind of in the side and she turns to me and goes your boy is handsome only because I'm on stage no I've heard a lot of that on the internet I've heard a about my direct messages. And I just want you to own up to your handsomeness.
No, no, no. First of all.
Because you have a mutant color of the hair. Yeah, because I'm a mutant.
I'm a freak. But the faces.
Andrew Santino is so hot. What the fuck? Yeah, but that's a guy.
These are all guys. They're not guys, dude.
Trust me. Look at 2020, 2022.
See if there's a Bobby Lee one. Can I i tell you the amount of times that i've gotten dick pics sent to my dm from guys it's unreal i get dick pics all day didn't you live in so when they you put i did that's why when you what bobby what is that reddit i mean yeah when you type in bobby lee hot it's about spicy Right? That ate hot stuff.

But you do.

No, I know I have, but that's bullshit.

Wait, scroll down a little.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's so funny.

Keep going, keep going, keep going.

Let's see.

Bobby Lee hot, eating spicy wings.

It's where I had diarrhea when I was on hot wings.

But you did hot ones.

I've never done that.

They've never asked.

They don't want me over there.

Look at that.

Oh, my.

Anyway, get out of that. So you don't, I don't have a Reddit flat.
Bobby Lee's the only person to shit himself on Hot Wings. Okay.
Okay. That's an award in and of itself.
I know, but that's still humiliating. Name someone else that's done that.
I don't know. By the way, New York Magazine, Bobby Lee puts one of the most outrageous and outrageously funny Hot Ones performances to date.
Bam. There you go.
There you go. I do it for comedy.
You always do it for comedy. Yeah.
yeah anyway let's get out of that but um you're hot let's move on no no way you can't say you're an ugly one but you know i don't i wonder what it is with like that generation of like they were hot their whole life they got treated hot their whole life some guys did brad pitt every is like the coolest fucking dude and everyone says they work with him he's like the most rad dude on earth and he's been hot his whole fucking life okay he's never not been hot he's hotter now than he was 20 years ago but who's the hottest young actor now man timothy chalamet exactly and from what i've talked to theo about yeah what had him on oh yeah he's the nicest guy he seems like a good kid i mean unaffected, and he... Why can't you just be that? You know you're on the top of the world.
You know how much money you're making. Yeah.
And why can't you just accept that and go, you know what I mean? I'm grateful for everything that I... Something's going on inside.
There he is. Oh! Color coordinated.
What's up, my boy? Are you guys already recording? Yeah, always. Oh, I didn't know that.
How are you? What's going on, man? Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Schultz. Andrew Schultz.
What's up, Captain? What's up, Doc? Dylan, what do you want me? Doing right there. The blue chair.
The blue chair. Blue chair.
Damn, look at these pants. That's how much money he's making.
Those pockets are waiting for all that money to go in. Look at how deep those pockets are.
That's more money than me, man. Stop.
This guy's got deep pockets. I heard about all the movie money.
I heard about that Hulu deal. I broke a record.
I broke two records. That's what they said.
I heard they kicked you out of your golf club. They said you gotta go to Bel-Air now.
I had to, dude. Even your mustache is fancier.
I hate it. We're not gonna do this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you, Lando Carissian? You guys got the nicked deal.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Ticket team pouches.
You're the mayor of Cloud City now, you bitch. You got majority white people on the pod, so you know you're making money.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You kicked the flip out of here.
First of all. Someone who's always been nice on the set.
Korean, Spanish, Mexican. You got the whitest Hispanics.
Well. You got to get the whitest ones.
Yeah. like real colonizers You know how they call us colonizers Yeah that one Those were like The descendants of like Vasco de Gama The one on the right I get it I get it He is You were chasing around The Mel Gibson people Indeed What are they called With him With him What's that Mel Gibson movie What's that called The Aztec shit Apocalypto Apocalypto Yeah you were chasing On the apocalypto You're the reason They speak Spanish Yeah yeah You got real racism Yeah yeah yeah This is beautiful That's you That's you right there Yeah can we get One Yeah I want one Well we can't They're hard to pin down They're busy working Nine other jobs Who is this Harry Falk He looks like Spaniard Oh this guy right here Yeah yeah Yeah he is kind of That's They made it up in Spain You don't know They'll press her Those are the Moroccans bro That's why That's why the Spanish Got some color Bobby you've met him No less than 20 times I love him What's his name Bobby's a real piece of shit In that regard What's his name Mango You met that guy Mango Is it Mango Anyway good to see you mango um don't get defensive dude oh is that korean that's great goji what does that mean bad friends your bad friends sick yeah yeah um yeah you know i um i was talking to somebody about somebody went to that that Euro sushi place.
They said it was the best sushi. And then I told them, I go, Andrew Schultz didn't like it.
And they couldn't, no one can believe that. You know what I mean? Nobody there even likes it.
Yeah, that makes sense. Wait, wait.
It's all for Netflix. Yeah.
That does make sense. You know how you visit a place, you know how it's like, what is it? Pat and Geno'sino's in uh oh in philly no one like no no philly people don't like that ishka bibbles right yeah ishka bibbles yeah that's right they don't like that no this is pat and gino's of japan that's that's gino right there yeah he's old bro yeah he knows old now did he come out and say hi to you no he was there and his son we got like the real shit oh the real i bought a suit to go there because you have to like dress they say not to drink you have to like respect it yeah yeah there and there's a bunch of fucking assholes we were there with your wife i was there with my wife what did she think of it it was so she doesn't like wasabi and it was so much wasabi they're like we couldn't even eat it wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute they don't want you to drink it isn't it in a subway yeah it's in a sub i'm drinking it the subway.
That's the logic. But I had so much deference.
Here's like, all right. You know how like Japanese people, they only do something if it's perfect.
Correct. Like they have so much shame.
Yeah. You know, unlike the Koreans do half-ass shit.
But like the Japanese. Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on. Couldn't even keep their country as one.
You know what I mean? Exactly. Couldn't even keep one country.
There's no like North Japan, it's one Japan There are Japanese people Still fighting World War II We put two atomic bombs on them Who's we? America! Whose side are you on? Come on Pearl Harbor was the right thing to do Let me tell you something It's a sneak attack and you deserve it It was a sneak attack, but they were trying to land Let's just be honest yeah what just wanted to land the plane they're just not the best it's a bad flying joke yeah i'm just saying that there might not be the best yeah yeah they might have wanted they're not good at driving let's just say that okay no but my point is is that they have to do everything the best because they feel so much shame true okay right like can i go back to the movies though We make better movies The Koreans

Koreans do make the best film

I'm not gonna lie

Korea's been on a tear right now

We're on a tear

Unbelievable

TV shows

Movies

We're on a tear

The squid game thing is incredible

It's not just a thing

He's in it

It's a franchise

I'm not in it

You're not?

I'm not the squid

Can I ask you like a kind of

Can I ask you a racist question?

What?

I'm gonna be serious

Be serious and be racist

I love it

That's who you are Because that is Okay. Are the numbers so we can tell? I don't even get what you're saying.
So funny. Like, the show, they got numbers on them, right? They tell you who's left.
Have you watched the show? Do you know what we're talking about? I've seen both seasons, yeah. Okay, and they got numbers on all the people.
Yes. But is it so that we can tell? We can tell what? Well, who's 456 to 218? There's no fucking way we'd be able to tell.
That's AI. I thought that's the same guy.
I know what you're saying. Stop, stop.
Is it for Western audiences to be able to know? Oh, so you're saying if they don't have the numbers, we're not going to be able to tell what Korean is what? I don't know why you would jump to that fucking racist. That's little much That's not what you're saying Explain to me what you're saying Maybe I was being racist But explain to me That was what I was saying That is exactly That's 100% what I was saying Yeah yeah yeah Exactly There is a similarity No I have Asian eyes Uh huh And maybe it's like the movie They Live Yes What's that They Live was a Roddy Roddy Piper movie Yeah yeah nice and he puts on glasses and he can see messages and signs and aliens through the glasses and that's what my little asian eyes are oh yeah yeah they live it's a great movie it really is john carpenter i think did it yeah how much eye do we need like i don't see more when i open mine thank you for saying that out loud i just thought that i see these yeah what, letterbox.
Like, do you see- I'm a Criterion Collection movie guy. You know what I mean? No.
We are IMAX and you're- I'm trying to- You're not IMAX, dude. You're not IMAX.
Dude, you don't see IMAX. That's good.
You could see- If you're looking through, you could see the sky, fuck you. I'm trying to see if I actually see less like you.

I see just the same.

And when I go like this, I don't see more stealing.

I see less.

You see less.

I see way less.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, don't. Because you're doing a.

No, no, stop.

Can you see further?

Look at him.

I can see way further.

Oh, so Asians can see further.

Like a hawk.

Yes.

Got it.

Well, no, no.

That's so they can see through you.

They can see the real soul within you.

They can see what's going on.

Yeah, we have that power.

You know what I mean? Okay, go really concentrate and tell me what I got inside. Go.
Inside what? Inside, like- Okay, here we go. Whatever Andrew was saying.
I feel like you're opening them. I make noises if I do it.
Oh, yeah, you have to- That's fine. I feel like you're opening your eyes more.
I feel like you're seeing less deep. No, no.
You know, that's- you something about ethnicities We're the same And the type of person you are, you make it different I see a black heart You saw a black heart in this guy? Yeah, and you have colon cancer Dude, I shit a lot. Like I wonder if that.
Yeah.

No, that's a good thing.

You're the third guy.

You're the third guy.

Shitting less is bad.

Okay.

Shitting more is actually very good.

Are you worried about that stuff

as we get up there a little bit?

As an old white?

Yeah.

Like it is something that we should consider.

Prostate, colon, all that stuff.

The only ones that I think you can snag

for old white is prostate and colon.

Those are the two you have to be able to snag. Old white, my dad just beat prostate cancer.
Bobby's dad lived to be 104, didn't have any cancer. Yeah, no AIDS.
I've never seen a Korean with AIDS. Isn't that funny? They don't get it.
Name me one Korean with AIDS. Can't do it.
You can't think of it. Can't do it.
No, wow, I can't. That is that is crazy it's crazy is it like not over there it's you don't even care about these like stds and shit anymore like you're a married guy it's like oh yeah he's on he's on the move are you i got bumps all over my penis do you different mounds different colors really yeah yeah it's a kaleidoscope wow yeah do you think about that do you i pee green for some sort of, you know.
You know, he's never been tested. Yes, I have.
Fuck. When? When? Four months ago, I got tested.
Four months? What happened that made you want to get tested? What? What happened that made you want to get tested? I just thought, he goes, you think we should get tested? And I go, I think we should. Oh, you'll speak back.
Well, whenever an Asian does an accent, I'm respectful and I do the accent. That makes sense.
Can I ask you a question? I was watching a Larry David clip where you were on the show and you used the accent. Did he ask you? Did he like come to you? Yeah.
Okay, so I'm going to tell you about Hollywood. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
So I got the role of like a merchant of weapons. Okay.
But he was in LA Yeah So I just called the director FaceTime and I go Since he's in LA I don't think he should He goes I want the accent He said it too Yeah and I go Yeah but you know I mean If it was in Korea Maybe I was talking to him I want the accent You're telling me There's nobody in LA That's Korean That doesn't have an accent I I know, but what I'm saying is that why do I need one?

So you don't like doing it.

You find it's been... I'll tell you who fucked me up about it.

Who?

Jon Cho.

Oh, wow.

The actor Jon Cho, yeah.

Yeah, so one day I asked him.

What number is he?

365.

Okay.

Yeah, he was 365.

All day.

Ronnie Chang was 202.

Wait.

Jon Cho is Hawaii Five-0? No, Jon Cho is, we did Harold and Kumar together. John Cho.
Can we look up John Cho? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was in the Star Trek movies at Sulu.
I got to be honest. Those Koreans are handsome.
Some. No, they got some good looking fucking Asians over there.
But no, I don't think you're ugly. I don't think.
Fuck you. No, I'm being honest.
I don't think you're as ugly don't think fuck you no I'm being honest I don't think you're as ugly as you think you are when was the last time you needed to go to a doctor but you pushed it off like oh my god you know I mean I don't have time everything will be fine or my wifey this boil looks weird but I who cares who cares I've had boils before I've had boils before yeah ZocDoc is a free app and a website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about booking in-network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty, right? Mental health, dental health, primary care, urgent care, so much more.
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He looks at me and I asked him,

I go, we were on sets.

I forgot what it was.

And I go, you ever do accents?

He goes, yeah, I don't do them.

Do you get offered? Yeah, I just don't do them. I go, why? He goes, I just don't think we need to.
It's just an integrity thing. He goes, I'm fine that you do it, because you do a lot of broad comedies and I get it, but I just don't want to do it.
And it made me feel shame about it. Why? Because every role I get is an Asian accent.
Hello, Mr. Johnson.
Okay, the last five things you've done didn't have an Asian accent. Game of Thrones, the random Asian accent.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wild Walker coming.
You know what I mean? And they're like, yeah, I mean, you don't need an accent, but I don't know why I have one right now. You haven't done it in the last couple of films you've done.
You didn't do it. You didn't do it.
Look at that. You didn't do it in the last thing you just did, Theo's movie.
You don't have an accent. I do a Southern accent there.
That's even funnier. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, man. Drugstore June, no accent.
No accent there. Sweet Dreams, no accent.
Borderlands, no accent. The Throwback, nothing.
Drugstore June, nothing. Magnum P.I., nothing.
No Magnum P.I. Yeah, you're right.
You're too famous, I think, to do the Asian accent now. Yeah.
I feel like you're too known outside of these projects. What about reservation dogs? Well, can you go zoom back? Here's what- You were in reservation dogs? Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, I'm thinking of reservoir dogs.
No. I was in reservation dogs.
Mr. Yellow.
And I love that. Good joke.
That's so funny. That's so funny.
Well, they should have had one. Yeah, yeah, Mr.
Yellow. Too guys.
What about you? I mean, you're like a real thespian. I always say this.
Oh, dude, I wish. I can't get any work.
Wait, can you not? I feel like you're working all the time. Somebody's working with Matt Damon on a promo.
Yeah, that was a promo. This guy's in like real movies and stuff.
You were great in that. I do want to say this.
Thank you. I saw that.
That was so fun. So fun.
Thank you. And then immediately wanted to text you and I didn't and go, how did this come together? I just asked him.
You were like, dude, do this thing for me. And he was like, fine.
He's just the nicest, coolest guy. I wish there was like a funny story around it, but he's just the nicest, coolest guy in the world.
Can I say something a little derogatory towards you right now, Andrew, if I may? Do you think I'm Jewish? Everybody thinks I'm Jewish. You seem it.
it But anyway What is it about me That you would think That I'm a Jew It's This is the first time I've seen your ankles Oh really Yeah So you don't watch my podcast Yeah It's always Always ankles out They're a little thicker Than I would wish I've gained weight It's this dad bod Buddy you're still In great shape Shut up That's so annoying You're so handsome And talented You didn't gain any weight That's my bad You know who lost weight Mango Did he Okay no He lost 15 Did you really You notice Look at that I do You can Why didn't you say anything earlier That was the first album I ever bought Really Guns and Roses A masterpiece I thought Unbelievable What was the first album You ever bought The The Velvet Underground Velvet Underground and Nico album Really? Yeah at like 12 Wow That was cool then I'm cool now What do you think mine was? Let me Oh I know Wendy's Wendy's theme song Hip hop Okay Oh hip hop Yeah yeah I was gonna go Beethoven for you What was your first album? Beethoven? Oh because of my age? Yeah because you're an old fuck Yeah and I said Wendy said wendy's you know me sound i get it because you have red hair i get it yeah yeah no hip-hop oh god i don't know now i can even give you the title track go bow down what is it west side connection that's the thing i knew it was going to be something more obscure you're like a real hip-hop wait a minute west side connect that would bow down before we come to your town that was like my favorite do you ever hang out with him in social settings yeah yeah and he is he is hard he is the best social human being i've ever seen nobody can schmooze like this guy it is the best it is remarkable best at it it is remarkable i want to learn from him and that's why he's always around the high people. Oh, I know.
I know. Because.
Dude, we had a meeting at Sony today. And he's best friends with everybody.
All the famous people. Whenever I see him like on a golf course with somebody, at first I would see it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.
He knows it too. He knows it.
No, no, no, no. That's why you're blushing.
This is actually. I'm going to tell you.
Go ahead. This is good compliments.
I'm glad that you've seen it as well. Oh, 100%.
We went to dinner once. First of all, never go to dinner with him.
don't, I try not to This is what dinner is Yeah, yeah, yeah Before you even sit down Somebody goes, Santini goes Oh, I'll be right back, guys And then he just goes table by table To table By table Yeah Like he's fucking Don Rickles Just shaking hands Exactly And then we're sitting there like assholes Are you Sinatra? Oh, Andrew, Andrew, can we order you something? Yeah Andrew, do you want some cocktail or something? Yeah, yeah, get me whatever you guys get. He gave me this.
He goes, yeah, yeah, get me whatever you guys get. We were in a meeting at Sony Executives, and he's telling the, you know this happened.
He's telling the group where he met certain people. This is the first time I met any of these people.
He's like Bill Clinton in like the best way. In 2009, man.
Remember you had that office over on this and this and this? He's like, yeah, man. I've been fucking with you for a while.
That's who you are. Okay, how are you saying? No, no, no.
I love the pain. I've always watched.
No, no, no. No, it's something.
Thank you, Andrew. It's something I admire.
This is the thing. I have a hard time.
If there's somebody that I really like or admire, it's very easy for me to talk to them. Yeah, yeah.
But it almost becomes like an interview. I really i'm like hey you're really good at this thing and i want to know all about it yeah everything you hang out with people in a way where they're like they you you're acting like they find you cool yeah like you know what i mean like they're kind of trying to win you over you got to sell them on that you're the one yeah i sell them on you're the one you're you're meeting me i'm watching it yeah so what so give me the okay i'm glad that you've also known it praise the lord put one down so we're on the same team yeah please come on your heart goes out make your heart go out doesn't your heart go no all right you get your kanye shirt do we get those kanye shirts do they show up yet or no we ordered a hundred of them all right okay hold on that's this is how you're like really hate double double down he tells me i can't get into specific okay so tell me tell me what is it like when you're when you meet somebody who's like really famous yeah how are you making them feel so comfortable because you know everybody wants their attention yeah what is your what is this social skill you've developed i mean this is going to sound awful no it's not i'm fascinated but i think it is a true character i just don't praise the lord you know you notice this right yeah yeah i just don't hallelujah i don't care i don't care to treat them other than a guy i just so you're just ball bust i just don't care and if they're like oh i don't like that you're too too uh comfortable familiar i then i don't care then you remove yourself then we're not cool if i can't treat you like a human then i'm not fucking interested so you're're immediately, it's just like.
The most famous people I've ever met,

I treat them just like a fucking regular.

And they probably love it because everybody treats them so weird.

Yeah.

And the fact that there's somebody who's treating them

like they're in high school again,

there's a comfort that they have.

I'll tell you the real trick.

If you want the honest truth.

If you want the honest truth.

Yeah.

The reason I got.

The reason.

That's all we wanted.

I'm good.

The reason that I got.

Well, first of all, I'll give context to what he's saying.

We were in a meeting That's all we wanted. I'm good.
The reason that I got... Well, first of all,

I'll give context to what he's saying.

We were in a meeting at Sony

with one of my best friends in Los Angeles

who got us the job.

You're welcome, freebie.

What's the job?

What's the job?

We're doing an animated show.

Yeah, we're doing an animated show.

Movie.

An animated movie, sorry.

But I will be honest,

the reason that I did get comfortable

in not caring about famous people

is my first job in LA was on Punk'd. And I was so in my head head all the time all these celebrities would come to the studio and at some point i i just stopped giving a fuck about trying to like you know oh my god you're so good to meet you and all that stuff because i was so worried about the bits i didn't give a shit about the celebrity and they didn't give a shit about me so it's kind of this great equalizer of when i was young i met all these famous people and they didn't fucking give a fuck i was a player on the show i was a nobody and so i just kind of thought i'm not gonna fucking kiss ass to these people i it didn't mean anything to me so i never wanted to earn their friendship because i didn't care and honestly i met them all when i was 25 years old that's when i met every famous person from punked all these people andrew man i didn't give a shit they didn't like me anyway it was like i was a young broke gay player i'm gonna give you some insight yeah he's gonna be very mad about it i love learning about you guys don't get mad yeah i'm listening all right when we go to the airport yeah he acts as if he's jason born hat down you know what i mean yeah right rifling yeah? Rifling.
He's a star. You know what I mean? I'm open-haired, bright-eyed, you know what I mean? Say hi to everybody.
Yeah. Right? This guy thinks he's fucking Ethan Hunt.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Someone wants that tension.
Thank you. Someone wants that tension.
I was waiting for a little backup. No, fuck you, Spaniard.
Fuck you, Spaniard. I'm acting normal.
Spaniard. Okay.
So what I do is I wear a hat at the airport. I go sit down and I go relax and wait for my flight.
This guy moseys about. Oh, really? How did it turn to me? Is that Bobby Lee? That's what he wants so fucking bad.
And I just want to chill, have a coffee, wait to get on my plane. This guy, he'll purposely tussle up his hair so it's fucking huge.
He'll go in and out of that fucking WH Smith or whatever that convenience store is. He doesn't buy it.
It's a good convenience store. You're not buying anything.
He doesn't buy shit. I like to look at the Dolly Ranchers.
He moseys. He moseys.
Until he's recognized. Correct.
He loves it. That's not what I do, Andrew.
Fuck you. Does it feel good? No, fuck you.
Does it feel good to be recognized? What is the feeling? He fucking loves it. If it was sold in a can, he'd buy cases of it.
Can you come sit over here? Come sit over here. Come hang out.
Is this mic on? Is this mic on? He will be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I feel so much more balanced now. Yeah, so here's the deal.
Okay, I need you to back me up, okay? Okay. So here's the logic.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I want you to be Your heart open

This outfit is subdued

This is not an attention seeking outfit

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you so much dude

It is subdued

Right

Right

So

This guy goes to the airport

He's wearing a bright pink beanie

Yeah

A bright blue jacket

He's carrying bags like he's Dave Attal

He's got like 30 bags around him

Alright but

He loves people looking at him

And one time you said to me

Yeah

We weren't at the airport

Yeah

I was just sitting there on a curb or something

Yeah

And you turned to me and goes

I like your fashion

Thank you. bags around him.
He loves people looking at him. And one time you said to me, we weren't at the airport, I was just sitting there on a curb or something, and you turned to me and goes, I like your fashion.
Yeah, I think it looks cool. So you know that I dress a certain way.
You got great fashion. I think you look cool.
Undoubtedly. Yeah, so what I'm saying is that I don't dress differently in my regular life than the airport.
Okay? Secondly, this, I can't go into the convenience store. Are you parched ever? Yeah.
You want a bottle of water? Yeah. Are you allowed to get one? Yeah.
If somebody accidentally goes, yo, Andrew Schultz, are you attention seeking? You usually send Carlos to buy you stuff. That's right.
Carlos has to go be the gopher and go get some. Can you do an American accent? Yeah.
Thank you. He's doing it right now i don't feel like he even tries like thank you can you can you speak like us can you i can't try just give it a go say hey it's great to meet you andrew schultz hey it's great to meet you he's a he's a robot yeah he's a siri and andrew i want to say one last thing yes and this is is a truism Yes Okay I have Ozempic burps

I just took a shot

Don't

Are you doing the Ozempic?

Yeah I did it like an hour ago

Oh is that the weight loss?

Yeah

Yeah yeah

Wigovie

Wigovie I mean

Oh wow

So check this out okay

Many years ago

Is he really on it?

Yeah

Yes

How does that

I'm nauseous all the time

Like I'm on chemo

Let's move on

Well you're just getting ready

For a couple years down the road

Yeah yeah yeah

Prepping

Stop

If I do get cancer

Thank you. all the time like i'm on chemo let's move on well you're just getting ready for a couple years down the road yeah prepping stop if i do get cancer dude you're gonna feel bad we're all gonna get it yeah yeah yeah we're all gonna get it all right so um i was doing um a radio show yeah with patrice o'neill oh the legend in new york and i was complaining about um how dr ken is getting everything at that time and he pulled me outside when we were done he goes yo son that's what he said Ken Jeong said that? no he wasn't there and Prejus goes you know you and I are similar right? I go in what way? he goes we don't know how to do that social shit You know what I mean We don't know how to bend or bridge the gap

Right we're so insecure

And so we're comics

You know what I mean

That we can't go to a party and fake it

And have this mask

That some people wear you know

That's about the only thing you and producer O'Neal have in common

That's it

Nice

Go sit in your chair

I can't believe he's saying you're faking it no i don't think you fake it no i think you actually love those i enjoy it i think it's a fun thing for you i think if it was work you wouldn't do it no i enjoy i enjoy talking to people who i talk to i don't there's some people i don't care to see ever again, but. I want to talk about you for a second too.
What I do.

What I do.

So the first time

I met you was where?

Montreal.

Exactly.

Yeah,

we had a lovely,

lovely meal that you paid for.

You're a gentleman.

Yes.

And at that moment,

I go,

this kid is going to go places.

Oh,

wow.

Because of the,

just the,

what your vision

of what Hollywood's

going to be like

was spot on.

Right?

And that what we're doing online is the future and all that stuff. And you said that many, many years ago.
Yeah, yeah. And you were very kind that weekend.
I will say that. You were the nicest.
Yeah, because I'm a kind person. I think you are.
I do think you are. Admit that.
I'm a kind person. I didn't make you feel insecure at all.
Exactly, you don't. You were like the most confident and you were so sweet.
How some people. Do you think Andrew makes you feel insecure? Why does he make you feel insecure at all Exactly you don't You were like the most confident Like how some people Do you think Andrew makes you feel insecure Why does he make you feel insecure Let me tell you another example dude I'm taking it all day today I'm trying to compliment you I'm trying to say how amazing you are He'll spin it dude he's an evil I'm not an evil person He'll spin this into whatever narrative he wants He'll take the fucking web and he'll just spin it into whatever he wants.
They don't have web spider monkeys. Anyway, they have longer arms.
I said spider, not monkey. I put monkey on it, but that's just how I feel.
So what I want to say to you is this, okay? Is, I don't know what I was going to say. Oh, yeah.
So this, I forgot what I was going to say. Montreal, we met.
We met at Montreal. Right, right.
We connected. And then.
You thought I had good ideas about how the business would go. Right.
And you were right on it, but you had a confidence about you, right? That was very, just confident. You know what I mean? And you fulfilled all those things.
Yeah. You know what I mean? All your dreams came true.
So I kind of put you in his category in many ways. Ah.
You know what I mean? I think he's better socially. Oh, I know what I was going to say.
That's all I was going to say. Okay.
I'm a social butterfly. I'm an only child who loves to run into people.
I would never guess you're an only child. Well, I had a sister, but our gap was almost 10 years.
So it was like, we didn't grow up together. Okay.
My half sister, we were so, we're friends as adults.

Were you like a cul-de-sac kid where like,

they're in the neighborhood,

you're talking to people on the block,

like you're allowed to go outside your house?

Sports all time, sports.

He lived like the movie, The Wire.

The Wire, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, urban.

Baltimore, I was in three gangs when I was a kid.

I got beat, I got jumped.

No, you've been joking about it,

but didn't you live in like a-

When I was a kid kid,

and then when I was a teenager,

I'm going to... three gangs when i was a kid yeah yeah i got i got beat i got jumped no you've been joking about about didn't you have did you live in like uh when i was a kid kid and then when i was a when i was a teenage when i was at when in high school we were in the suburbs all right but but i dude i was i wanted to be social all the time i could i'm like my mom i hate being home i want to be out as much as possible i want to go see people i want to go do shit homebody i'm the antithesis of homebody at home.
And you've got a beautiful home. Home is a place to sleep at night.
That's it for me. Really? I don't need to be.
I don't even. Dude, I don't give a fuck.
I've never in my heart have ever had the need for like to make a house a home. Don't care.
A house is just a place to keep my shit. That's nice.
Anyway, I know what you're doing.

I know what you're doing. I'm saying.

You're leaving?

Get him a water.

Oh,

there's one right by you,

right by your foot.

Right by your foot.

Okay.

No,

I'm trying to say,

I'm trying to say the truth is,

I don't,

I don't,

home is a place to sleep.

Home is a place to sleep.

I don't care about it.

I mean,

great job.

Well,

I mean,

I'm just telling him something.

God,

you're just raging your eyes.

No,

no,

I'm just,

you're stepping on me.

I'm telling a truth. Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. But no, go do some of your bullshit.
Tell me about how you're like Patrice O'Neal. The greatest fuck.
One of the greatest comics of all time. Tell me how similar you are to that guy.
Go ahead. Tell me that fucking.
Wow. You're getting personal.
Tell me that bomb story that you told over there. Oh, you're getting personal.
Fucking bomb story. What do you mean getting personal? You're shooting at me.
Bring, put your gun up there. I don't have a gun, dude.
Well, then fucking. the rain the flower in your gun off the range right like the fucking 60s right you do he steps in front of a tank and and surprise that we want to run him over yeah but it's for peace and love well don't get in the way of a tank yeah anyway it's not even funny dude i'm not you you know what i'm not even gonna say what i want you say.
You fucking started it! Because it's going to... Oh, I'm going to say my point.
It's not funny. It's an observation.
Oh, go ahead. So wham.
The band? Yes. Oh, okay.
He says we're the band wham. No, so the wham broke up.
I thought that was the first half. Why did the wham break up? Why? Egos.
Yes, that all happened.. I understand this philosophy.
But you guys never have that issue. We never have.
Do you know why? Why is that? I give him majority of the power. Yes, I do.
I give him 60% of the dollar. When he says power, you know what he was trying to say? Responsibility? Work.
Responsibility. Yeah.
Jobs. Yeah, yeah.
I give him all of the work. And I just moseyy on in So that I don't bring up the band It's out of love for you You don't even bring the instruments We had to bring them for you I know because it's a cyber age now This guy shows up to practice Like did anybody tune my shit? Yeah We have a garage band now What do we need instruments for? But anyway No I'll tell you why this band is so good Tell me tell me yeah For real because I thought what I said was kind of honest, but.
Yeah. Why do you guys think you've had so much success for so long? Well, I think because our love is, I said it before, no matter what we say to each other, there's love beneath all of it anyway.
You can say the craziest shit. I love them so much.
It doesn't matter. I don't care.
The truth be this, if i may yeah okay and i'm not attacking you i'm not attacking you i love you so much right oh dude all right so um good okay it's a flower in that go okay so um you do a fun i know when i know like there was one time yeah and he knows with me too yeah there's one time where i told the crew i don't think today is a good day to like let andrew be he's going through something because i know he goes through the depression yeah yeah he goes through really deep depressions really yeah yeah it's really bad like it's like clinical almost i feel no not almost it literally it is literally clinical like he shut he literally shuts down it doesn't say anything all day long yeah and sometimes he needs to drift away so you isolate big time yeah yeah if i'm in a bad mood i don't i just so if what would if i went what the fuck's your problem that would cause a riff yeah so i let him be him yeah and then when i'm going through my stuff he lets me be me i lift him up i have i have a story about him doing that with you what i remember you were going hold on no you were going through a really hard time and i remember i was like i was just talking to you and i was checking in with you about something and then you were uh yeah you were just saying that you were i don't know if you had relapsed or something like that i forget exactly what it was but like you were just saying that he was going through a really hard time and that you guys needed to be ... That was really sweet.

You're like, you have to let him go through these things.

You got to be there for him, and ultimately, he's going to pull himself through it.

We just got to love him through it.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

Thank you so much.

And I know that you're being sarcastic right now, but that is a beautiful thing from a

friend.

What the fuck you, Andrew?

Yeah.

Don't fuck our guys.

No, fuck you.

I was being sincere.

Thank you so much.

I don't know. I don't know.
It's hard for him to be sincere. It is a little hard.
Let me do it again, then. Don't fuck our guys.
No, fuck you. I was being sincere.
Thank you so much.

I don't know.

It's hard for him to be sincere.

It is a little hard.

Let me do it again then.

All right, do it again.

Let me try it.

Hold on, dude.

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give me a shot. Sorry.

Thank you so much.

Why are you thanking me?

Thank you so much

Yeah

I forgot what the part was

You know what I mean

Thank you

What about

Do you have conflicts with India?

See

Do you have conflicts with India?

He really doesn't care

Ask me a question

You really care about

Yeah do you have conflicts with India?

Yes with India

The country I have

No no no

He's talking about Akash

Oh all the time for sure

Okay

But that's my homie

That's my day one

So you get through it

I'll see you next time. about no.
Yeah, do you have conflicts with India? Yes, with India, the country I have. No, no, no.
He's talking about Akash. Oh, all the time, for sure.
But that's my homie, that's my day one, so you get through it. Akash.
Yeah, actually very rarely though. He stopped texting me for a while.
Why? Because I never returned. Because you didn't respond to him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you going through something? No.
He ghosted him on some shit, and Akash was upset about it. Aw, was it reasonable that he was upset? Yeah, yeah, he ghosted him.
He just him he just never responded but that's not because a personal thing if he doesn't understand that that's his problem yeah you know what have we ever texted you back yeah every time every time yeah you're a big star that's you're number one on the call sheet that's right does bobby treat more famous people differently oh my fucking god really brother here we go brother you know who doesn't do that who that's santino that's right baby dude he sucks that's who doesn't do this guy when we see somebody when we're when we're with somebody who's famous what does he do dynamically changes he puts what he puts on a show and then he disappears because he doesn't want them to over analyze oh so it's like kill and then get out of there 100 kill him so the one example and he gets the fuck out of there because you're like i'm gonna fuck this up yeah like so michael bay yeah the director oh yes let me tell the story no let me tell it my story go ahead god hold on let him open it up let him open it up or i'll let him tell the story first michael bay michael bay's wife is a huge bobby lee fan right is like in love with bobby lee right and and so she convinced michael a to listen to the show and then b to start coming to see us live right so michael and his wife have come to the comedy store a few times. I mean, that's a big deal.
Yeah. And they come because Bobby Lee is, they cannot get enough.
Yeah. So the last time Michael Bay came, the last, thank you, Carlos, for a little spit cup.
Yeah. Guy who goes to WH Smith at the airport.
The last time Michael Bay came to the comedy store, me and him are back to back tag teaming. And it's a great hot night.
And he's in the green room. I get off stage.
He's with Michael Bay and his wife, who I do not know. I'm not familiar with them.
I've said hello. And I get off stage and what do you do? Go ahead.
Take it away, kid. Can I take over the story? Yeah, I just fucking gave it to you.
Okay. Thank you.
I don't like your energy right now. Tone it down.
No, go ahead. Okay.
So he comes, right? And it's always- Sandy. So we're in the green room, in the main room, in the bathroom part.
In the private, in like the other part. In the private part, right? Yeah.
He sits down and it's always like, World War II, right? They're attacking. You're, you know what I mean, a convenience store owner.
You're still a merchant guy a merchant guy yeah but it's a it's a rule that you know me yeah yeah explain me the history of he's pitching him a role right right right and i get so discombobulated yeah that's right the right word yeah yeah yeah discombobulated yeah i go i i need to fucking do pass and i pass michael bay to goes, dude, come in here. Come in here.
And then what I do? I walk into the room and he disappears. To get the other guy.
So then I'm in there with Michael Bay and his wife. And then I get Bill, I'm getting Bill Burry ready to be the tag.
I will give credit. Let me give credit where credit is due.
As soon as Bill walked in, I was like, fuck yeah, I can get out of here. I did that for you.
Because Michael and his wifeael and his wife i don't know them well and i was also like this is they're wanting to talk to him i'm this interim thing another pitching no no they're not pitching me now it's more like so how's comedy i'm like oh it was yeah it's fucked and just because they want to talk to him but he's so uncomfortable he throws on me when i saw bill walking saw Bill walking, he's like, what's up, dude? I was like, I was fucking gone.

I'm the one that sent the bill.

So that was very nice.

I said, Michael Bay really wants, it was a lie.

But he gets nervous.

No, I lied.

Yeah, he lied.

And then Michael Bay was like, what are you doing?

So you alley-ooped.

I alley-ooped.

Alley-ooped to Bill Burr.

But Bill can't touch the net.

But Michael Bay doesn't want it.

He doesn't want it, dude.

But they start hitting it off.

And I just went into the Hollywood.

And guess who got the convenience store role in World War II? Bill Burr. Ken Jeong.
He lost. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no go Michael He goes Come over to Thanksgiving There's no way I'm gonna go over there For Thanksgiving Oh it's that close So I don't show up They love him Yeah yeah His wife and Michael Are like in love Invited me to Super Bowl no way I'm going to go over there for Thanksgiving.
Oh, it's that close. So I don't show up.
They love him. Yeah, yeah.
His wife and Michael are like in love. Invited me to the Super Bowl.
I go, I'm going to Miami, which I was. Are you familiar with his work? Yeah, I love it.
Yeah, he's a prolific filmmaker. I love his movie.
They're like just action-packed fun. He couldn't go to Michael Bay's thing for the Super Bowl because he had to go with Jake Paul.
You had to go with Jake Paul to do? To his Super Bowl party in Miami. He flew to Miami for that.
He's trying to dumb that one down. So you were so busy at the Super Bowl.
Couldn't shoot that week by the way. We couldn't shoot the show because I'm sick.
Oh, you're sick? What'd you do the next morning? Went to Miami with Jake Paul. Okay, I did that.
Why didn't you get him tickets to the Super Bowl? I was at a Super Bowl party. I worked like a shill.
At his house. I did a job.
What were you doing? In Vegas. I did a job.
I took a check. I think? a check no i was doing like i was doing a thing with brian urlacher to like they were it was like yeah yeah i was brian urlacher he was an ex-nfl player exactly what the fuck does that even mean you mean big time big time he's big time and then he's out on the celtic court front seat i saw who gets that jack nicholson and this guy celtic i wouldn't believe getting the building nicholson i wouldn't be saying that because of the departed yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

And Matt Damon, right?

That's right.

And Leo, right? They go to the Celtic.

They only go to the Celtic.

Boston, right?

Yeah.

I couldn't get in the building.

I don't believe that.

And if I do, I'm the top row with the hand, with the finger.

I don't believe that.

You know what I mean?

Thank you, by the way.

Thank you so much.

You know it's bullshit. And if I do I'm the top row With the hand With the finger I don't believe

You know what I mean Thank you Thank you so much You know it's bullshit I'd have to buy a ticket There's no connections I have And that's the truth Do you think that they feel A little bit like What's that term Like a Negged Or whatever Like they're trying so hard To you know Have you be part of their friend group And you're rejecting it so much No i know that's insane that's crazy that's crazy to validate that is that kind of what happens

be real be real carlos i'll get mad no don't look at he's don't use that here in headlights

no because you're gaslighting him right now let him answer his own fucking question does he try

does what schultz just said does he try when people like does he try to push away from that

yeah yes the more famous you are on the show the faster he'll come back here and hang, something he never does. Exactly.
Yeah, but you push away. I don't push away.
You push away. I escape.
Okay. Two different things.
Okay, dude, you get it. You know what I mean? Let me ask you something.
If you're in Auschwitz, would you be digging holes? Oh my God. Wait, what? I think that's a wrong term of life.
If you're in a Japanese internment camp. There it is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. If you're in a Japanese internment camp, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'd be the Japanese going, I have to be. Do you know how they made sure they were just Japanese in there? They looked at the penises? No.
Okay, that's what I did. But I was asking a friend of mine whose parents were, no, grandparents were in the camps.
George Sakai? Who was that? Japanese dude. Okay.
And I was just like, how did they, like, because I feel back in the day it was a little more loose, right? Oh, yeah. They kind of round them up.
In there. You're right.
Oh, you think there's a guy there going, I Chinese. Well, wouldn't you? Hello, hello, I Chinese.
Wouldn't you? Is that not the first thing? Look at the teeth. Right? Maybe.
By the way, that's a great movie, an escape story of a guy who pretends to be other Asian. I-Chinese.
It's called I-Chinese. It's just a Korean guy being super racist to other Asians.
No, he's an American. He doesn't even have an accent.
But he survives, you know what I mean? The Pearl Harbor. I-Chinese.
And then when he's older, maybe the LA riots. He's an old man.
I-Chinese. I-Tinese, right? I-Tinese.
Yeah. And then when he's older, maybe the LA riots.
I-Tinese. He's an old man.
I-Tinese. He gets out of all- It's a whole- It's an epic.
Tell us what your guy said. So I asked him, I was like, how did they figure it out? They must have just lumped them all in there and like, whatever.
Probably the last names, Andrew. No.
Well, how would that matter? And they would- Yeah, what are you talking about? They also probably wouldn't ask their fucking name. No, they're just looking at you and you look fucking Japanese and they throw you in.

What's your name?

I'm Frank Wong.

Sounds good.

Get in there.

No, no.

Get in there.

That's what I'm doing.

They wouldn't do that.

That absolutely wouldn't do that.

I'm border.

Okay.

Hey, what's your name, pal?

Excuse me.

Can I ask a quick question?

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

What the fuck do I do here?

Oh, oh, oh.

You're with the other Japanese guys.

Go get in line.

But listen to your ear, right? I I Chinese. Prove it.
Zip. This guy's Chinese.
That's how it'd go. I would show my dick.
So he goes, oh yeah, they just spoke to him in other Asian languages, and if they couldn't speak back, they knew that they were Japanese. Oh, wow.
And I'm like, whoa, that is way easier. That's way easier.
That's like the easiest thing. Oh, wait, because the Japanese knew English? No, they would speak to the Japanese guy in Korean and if he couldn't speak back, they'd be like, oh, that's a fucking...
Oh, wow, that's a good, clever way of doing it. Yeah, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we were just rounding you up. Yeah, yeah.
But what if it's like a Japanese... Ian Santino are giving the job to round up all the Japanese.
They'd be is gonna be fucking easy Yeah but my argument against that is There was something Because Japanese have been part of America for so long A lot of them didn't even speak Japanese Yeah that's all Yeah some of them were second generation Asians Dude my friend's parents didn't speak Japanese And then after that it stopped Like they stopped entirely Yeah Because that's how you end up in camp. And that's what happened to George Takai.

Yeah.

George Takai. Right.

As a kid.

Yeah.

He was Japanese though.

But he was in a camp as a kid.

So they got it right.

He got it right.

Yeah.

They nailed it on that.

But then he got Star Trek.

Right.

Then he got Star Trek.

I think it's even.

Well, we gave him Star Trek to make up for what we did.

That's the reparations.

Yeah.

That's your 48th.

TV star.

That's good.

40 episodes.

That's what he got.

40 episodes.

40 episodes in a mule.

Let me ask you about the baby.

Yes. Talk to me.
How many do we have now? Yeah. I got one.
Still one. have now? Still one I was talking to Kalilah earlier It's never enough It can't just be Congrats on one Call him when you get to Congratulations I thought we were past that You know how I feel about it How do you feel? I don't like it He is a bully He's really good at bullying And it's darts He's like you're dangerous Because you're so fun and silly And then it's just a fucking sniper shot Even this right here Whatever that move, that feels like we're just filing on.
Bro. Yeah, I don't ever stick a penis in my butthole.
No, no, that's not. What is it? Anyway, let's just move off.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. When a girl puts on a dildo and they fuck you from behind.
No. What's that called? Fun.
It's called fun. It's a fun time.
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a great fun time.
Is your baby the love of your the love of your life yes undoubtedly it's every cliche you could ever imagine it almost like i understand like why comics do the joke about like how annoying their kids are yeah and it's because it's the only take that is counter what we all feel exactly you know what i mean like yeah you know how you could take the other angle like we all do yeah, yeah. How I take the angle that's not there and then find a way to justify it.
The feelings you have for your kid are so unbelievably hacky. Yeah.
That you feel unoriginal. Like it's every possible cliche.
Wow. And our whole life we're trying to have a unique take about things.
And then you look at the kid and you're like, oh, my kid is the best laugh ever. Right.
And it is. Of course.
Oh, right. And I wonder if it's just for me.
Do you have a son or daughter i have a daughter oh wow it's made up in you it's made up of your dna so it does something there must biologically do something for you it's unbelievable because it's like when you meet when you meet someone who has an ugly baby yeah they don't know that they have no idea oh that's i'm so glad you said that that's chemical they really don't fucking. I'm so glad because I've seen some uggos.
Yeah, yeah.

We have a friend that has an ugly baby and, you know.

Tight on the way out though, they say that.

Oh, yeah.

What's tight on the way?

The pussy?

Yeah, and the baby's head kind of gets warped.

It's a compliment to the wife to have an ugly baby. My wife had a C-section, so it was fucking round.

You know what?

Why can't they just go feet first? Like a slide. Bro, the funniest thing about anatomy.
Why can't they just go feet first? Yeah, yeah. Hey, can you come out feet first? Babies are upside down.
You know that, right? I know, but... You're going to flip them in there? Hear my thinking, dude.
Get tongs in there like you're barbecuing? Yeah, I'll walk. I'll do the whole thing.
Walk that baby yeah fried noodles but what i would do is um because when the feet comes out in the body it stretches the vagina no the head does that head and then the shoulders do that one it'll loosen it up if you put head first yeah it's tighter yeah if you put feet out first it'll loosen it up i get your. Okay, good.
Man, I can't believe you're not a doctor.

What were they thinking not hiring you?

I don't know.

I'm not investing in that.

You're saying that's the answer.

You think fucking all these years.

Okay, fine.

God.

Do you want kids, Bobby?

The biggest insult to an Asian guy is to say he's not doctoral.

You just don't have it in you, man.

I do want him. Yeah? One yeah one okay and i will have one good yes you will i got to find the person though you'll be a great papa too and that's it's difficult it's been difficult andrew what's your thing you get behind it yeah i get behind the condom i mean i don't do it reverse you're saying hit it from behind yeah like are you i feel like you think i stick the fucking condom in my butthole And do it from behind? What are you talking about? I think you stick it in your butthole And then you hold your nose closed And then you sneeze and blow it up like a balloon Bobby has a tail Look at Bobby's tail Yeah okay I'll try that next time But I did And you know but a lot of times You know women are like I know you enough What position what position I think you get behind it I don't my knees burn That's really rude What do you mean Because I have short legs And the women that I date are much taller than me Their pussies are at eye height Yeah so then they have to do a squatty thing too.
And we're all burning thighs. You know what I mean? And it's like, I'll do like 10.
And then I'll go, hey, you want to switch back to missionary? That's the one I'm good at. The problem is he counts.
He'll go one, two, three, four. Oh, you're going out loud.
I do reps. Yeah.
I got two more sets in me. Yeah.
What's your position? I think on my back. I think I like laying down.

The cowgirl.

Yeah, yeah.

Love laying down.

That's fun.

Laying down.

That's so fun.

We've been doing the work for so long.

Let them do something.

Also, they have to finish.

Yeah.

And that's the position I can control the best.

But here's the thing that they do.

I don't understand this.

Yeah.

The hula hoop strategy.

Tell me about that.

They get on it. Yeah.
Instead of going up and down, they go around. They think they're in a luau.
Can I tell you why? They think they're in a luau and it's twisting your thing. You know what I mean? Like a joystick.
I think Andrew's got an interesting opinion as to why they might do that. Yeah.
No, no, no. I know what you're implying.
What? Then fuck you, dude. No, no, I don't.
You think I don't have the length?

I didn't say that at all.

I've never had to flip out when it does up and down.

It's not the length.

What is it?

What is it?

They want to hit the sides.

They want you to feel the sides and you're...

Skinny.

You're skinny.

You do have a skinny penis.

Oh, wow.

You do have a skinny penis.

It's not small, but it is skinny.

So it's just kind of like bouncing.

It's like an Oodle noodle.

It's one of those guys yeah and they need to shake it around to hit the sign yeah you know how like grass breathe in the breeze yes yes you frolic through grass yeah it's kind of like that my penis really yeah just frolic just with the wind you know i mean no but the leg is there tell them what the last girl said she said you had what boyfriend penis boyfriend penis which is they say that's really good she said explain to boyfriend penis she goes not the smallest it's not small but it's not like this big unmanageable it's like a boyfriend it's a dick that I could have sex with forever in perpetuity wow I said that's a huge compliment that is a great compliment boyfriend penis is great and who is this girl she's gone first girl that loves your cock delete delete she said i was worthy just pull up the cord no andrew yeah okay yeah many women have said it yes that have maybe you Maybe you have a great dick. Maybe you have a great pick and you've been catfishing us or no gaslighting us I'm being real for a second Ian Fidon saw it you showed it to me and I was I was what is it called it like I was impressed because of how low expectation you made me have right that's what you gotta do you gotta down he puts the bar real low yeah you put it on 80 every day and I was impressed because of how low expectation you made me have.
Right. That's what you got to do.
He puts the bar real low. Yeah, you put it.
And it's on 80 every day. And I was like, I don't know what that, you know what I mean? You're not that small.
I like you. You're not that small.
And then when they see it, they go, oh, it's boyfriend. It's smart.
It's a smart play. It's a smart move.
That's a fucking move. Yeah, yeah.
He tells every girl, like, you're not going to like me a small dick. Yeah.
And then they get in there like, what? This is great. Santino looks like he's got a fucking thing on it.
He does, I've seen it. No, you do look like he's got a thing.

That's very good.

That's why you can talk to celebs,

because you're looking at them like they got little...

Dude, you have a big one.

You have a big one, no?

What?

No.

I got boyfriend dick, dude.

Oh, you do?

I got husband dick.

I got girlfriend dick.

Ian financed on mine in the spa.

And he can judge.

He also has bad vision.

Ah.

When things blur, they widen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
yeah and he even said it's so cute that's mean yeah well i think it's a compliment i think it's a i think it's sitcom penis yes oh yeah yeah like it tests well i'm here it's test well you know i mean like if it was in a sitcom they're like people like oh they like him yeah oh, they like him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes. It's Pixar.
Whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nemo. Not Nemo, not Nemo.
Dory. Not Dory.
No, no, no. I don't really know.
What's that big white blob of a, you know what I mean? The robot, inflatable white. Oh, that one.
Oh, yeah. Big Hero 6.
It could be Big Hero 6. Yeah.
The presence, the presence that that carries, you carry. Yeah.
You carry love, warmth, happiness. Can we talk about this for a second though? Yeah, sure.
It's something I've thought about. Okay.
Yeah. How long has marriage been a thing in human race? Since the beginning of it.
Yeah, I think since the beginning. No, 5,000 years.
Okay. 4,300 years.
So 4,300 years. Yeah.
Were human beings around before that? Yeah. For how many years? A lot.
A lot. Probably thousands of years.
Thousands more. More.
Maybe it could be a million. Maybe millions.
Right? We don't know. What the fuck did they do that in a million years? They got married.
No, they didn't. You don't think? No, they were nomads.
Well, you still got married. No, no.
You would go to a village or a dwelling. Polygamy was common throughout history.
Cousin marriages remain common throughout the world,

particularly in the Middle East.

Still to this day, you can marry a cousin out there.

Look at Akash.

I love him.

He's so talented.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

So fucking funny.

Our goal is to make Akash's wife the biggest TikTok.

She's so hot.

And she's beautiful.

She's great. But my goal is to remove all the leverage he has in his relationship.
That's so funny. So she's making way more money.
Is she in the business or no? No, she's just on TikTok, but we're trying to make her a TikTok superstar. What's her TikTok? Jasleen With It.
Yeah. What's her TikTok? That's promoter for TikTok.
Jasleen With It. She's on TikTok.
Jasleen With It. Jasleen With It.
TikTok. Let's see what the TikTok is.
That's it. There it is.
There it is Jasleen with it Yeah There we go And how many subscribers Does she have? I mean it would make me feel Really good for her To surpass Akash in fame But why Ask yourself the question why Because it's funny Yeah we like to see Our friends suffer Yeah what the fuck Yeah this is the point What do you think This whole show is? Yeah Alright there we go There she is she is. Wow.
How are you guys doing? I'm here on Valentine's Day. Dead on.
The second I said it, I was like, this is all horrible. Jessalyn, I'm trying to build you up.
Okay. So are we.
We're trying to build you up. So are we.
All the bad friends following Jessalyn on TikTok. Yeah.
Wow. Watch me get ready for my first Rolex.
Have you guys ever had lucky charms in the morning, man? I'm getting a charm on my wrist. A Rolex, man.
Talk about Akash. No, it's the same accent.
All right. Okay.
All right. So.
She is beautiful. Let's follow her, everybody.
And Akash, we love you, my dog. We love you, my dog.
Love you, Akash. My dog.
No, we love you so much. But what I'm saying is that, is it nature to be with one person for the rest of your life? Yeah, yeah.
It's, well, marriage for sure. Being with someone.
Having a partner for the rest. I don't know if it's genetically.
I think that we assume that it's supposed to be perfect for your whole life. It's not a natural state.
Okay. But it's a social construct that I think has clinged to many people.

I can do it.

And benefited us.

It wouldn't still be here

if it didn't help us

as a society.

Or help some people, right?

Like this.

In the same way that like...

I'll tell you why it happened.

Yeah.

Well, Santino, Harry...

I know a little bit about...

And we don't have kids.

I know a little bit about history.

In the same way that like

I think it would make me

very happy to have kids.

If we don't have them,

it's okay.

So to me,

it's kind of like

that same thing.

If you're not going you have a partner. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm glad I have somebody that like, is along for the ride up and down. Cause it's all the above.
I think the people, the mistake that was given to people socially is like marriage is this perfect wonderful thing you're going to be happy every single day you're like joke that shit is work you're going to have crazy downs you have crazy ups yeah are you always attracted to them though i find her attractive yes but you're not always like in a it's not like a fucking it's not a state of horniness you're in every second but you find them beautiful yeah yeah that's you're in love with this person. I watched a documentary called Civilization.
Yes. Yeah.
Okay. So we were nomads for many, many years.
Yeah. Okay.
As soon as we had grown crops. Yes.
Wheat. Wheat.
Yes. And we made settlements.
Yeah. And that's when the marriage thing came.
That's right. Right.
When we can afford them. I don't know.
As soon as we built up enough equity, then we were like, were like okay i have stuff if you need it but i think it was harder to do as a nomad to keep a relationship well yeah yeah you i mean in your nomad i'll see you whenever but we still need to make the kids and we still need to protect them yeah oh that's true gotta protect them okay i mean that's probably why it was built yeah for community and protection and yeah also to pass down like assets and shit that's what all the marriage was i think in like the royal family yeah 100 like how do we keep all this land within okay you know this i believe it i believe it's supposed to be true then yeah okay you believe in it yeah yeah i sometimes i think about maybe is maybe it isn't if you never meet someone and never have a family who who would you uh bequeath all of your assets to like any you've earned Or a house that you've lost Oh if I had no woman? If you had no one And you were on your way out But my mom's still alive Or is she dead? Everybody's dead Everyone's dead My brother not Dead Steve's younger He's dead now I just couldn't Yeah yeah No what what If Steve's still alive Probably most to him And then the rest too? If you're still alive I'd give you some Okay that's nice okay schultz yeah i love you i love you man it's always fun with you i love hanging with you it's so fun with you yeah you guys are great yeah schultz has a special yes that's uh a netflix special yeah it is called life yeah it is his life uh i saw him run it well run pieces of it i guess in phoenix when we were in phoenix together i saw that I saw that it's kind of cool watching you peel it and now I know it's dramatically different than what I first saw but incredible as usual can I ask you some questions because I'm doing one now yeah please where are you doing it this is like a big Hulu shout out Hulu we both did Hulu I know you did Hulu we. I've never done one.
There's a lot of expectations on it. And that's what I'm worried about.
Yeah, of course. I have never done one.
You've built it up so much. I feel like they want to see the best and I can only just do what I can do.
I think you just got to do what you do. Yeah, yeah.
Again, what he just talked about. You cannot care what they're thinking about.
There are going to be people that hate it and there are going to be people that love it I would argue a very very small percentage of people are not going to like it yeah a remarkably small but those people there will be people that don't even watch it that hate it they just decided they're going to hate it what do you think I'm going to watch a Bobby Lee special fuck that yeah that's going to be a natural thing but like at the same time just do what what you want to do. This is what I'm going to do.
Yeah. I'm going to do it, and then I'm going to disappear.
Yeah. Oh, that's good, too.
I'm going to Ari Shaffir it. I love how Ari did it.
But we're still going to do the pod. We'll bank it.
Thanks. Because I want two weeks.
Where are you going to go? I'm going to go to Costa Rica. Don't you think after you shoot a special, you should have some time off? Yeah.
Yeah. Okay, what do you say? Well, you got to promote it for a little bit after it comes out not everybody just here no why can't i just do it before because you know with streaming i think it matters after it comes out yeah that's right okay then i'll do a month of promoting and then i'll go to close also i think that we all got a route for hulu yeah i think we got a roof for who amrew for for Amazon because the more places that are doing stand-up, the better it is for stand-ups.
Good for all of us. You know what I mean? Because now there's competition.
If it's just one place, they could just go, here's this amount of money and you got to take it. That's what I felt from the other company.
Interesting. Yeah, I mean- They didn't hit that number that you wanted? No, they never offered.
Yeah, that's not true. That is 100% true.
I imagine once you got an offer from hulu there was interest for there was i didn't get i didn't literally hear that but you know i didn't know when are you taping when are you taping i just did it you just did it yeah i'm doing in december okay cool where are you doing it san diego where balboa theater i love the balboa theater yeah so good uh go watch Life on Netflix. Yeah.
Please. Please watch it.

Enjoy our friend as much as we do.

Yeah.

Andrew, look in that camera and say thanks for being a bad friend.

Thank you so much for being a bad friend. That's great.

Oh, man.