Bobby's Break Up Tips

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Let's complain to the guys in the booth about this.
Go make a movie about it. Yeah, yeah, or maybe, you know, go up on stage.
You know what I mean? Uh-huh. We have work ethic.
You know, you don't. And stop complaining then.
You know, it's your generation, dude. you know what I mean we have work ethic you know you don't and stop complaining then you know it's your generation dude you know what I mean we're gritty dude we are very gritty yeah we we click click right you know what that is click click what's that my check at work I'm checking in the work at the factory oh yeah yeah yeah did you hear that click click right and then you go hello supervisor you go, hello, supervisor Monroe.
They go, hello there. You know what I mean? Lineman.
La-da-da. What? Look at this.
What? What are you doing? Why do you have that? That's Andrew's seat. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It sucks. Oh, it sucks.
You want to switch? No, no, no. I want to switch.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's what Andrew likes.
Anyway, you click, click, click. It opens up his butt.
Okay. I know.
He has back aches. Oh, my God.
He has a spinal disc. What a gay little boy.
He has a gay disc. He has a gay disc in his back.
He has a gay disc. They're dismantled.
What a crybaby, huh? He really is. What? He hit his head on the toilet, remember? Yeah.
Like a crybaby. How did he hit his head on the toilet? He got all woozy.
Like, ooh, I'm redheaded. I get woozy.
You know what I mean? He falls over.

With a nerve fling.

Ooh, this is so good.

Wait, what's mine?

The Vietnamese one.

What's yours?

A white man's one.

Mine is, um.

Dude, because Andrew's not here, you're going to try it.

I like it.

Yeah.

What did he say?

Sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh.

I can't do this today, man.

I'm so tired.

Oh, my God. It's raining.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on.
What are you? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Andrew's definitely not here.
Andrew's not here. Oh, my God.
Would Andrew be yelling at that? Does he not let you? See, here's what's good about me and you doing the part. I'll let be you i won't keep you in the cage i know and when i do that he doesn't like it he doesn't like it he's an oppressor dude yes yeah dude i'm gonna say this right now dude okay i've had enough of him setting the rules it's all about him dude you're gonna do it this time you have to do it this or you're not doing it you know what i mean He gets mad.
And he does it all while sitting on a seesaw. Like this.

Yeah!

Like this. Woo! I know, He does.
Woo. Right? Oh, but you're backwards where you can play golf all day? Exactly.
You know what I mean? What kind of golf are you playing, dude? Scumbag. Scumbag golf.
You don't play golf, do you? No. I know why.
Why? Because you're a man. Yes.
You're a real man. I'm not going to do.
I've made a decision. I'm not going to do what other people do.
I'm not going to do the things that will advance my career. I'm not gonna do I've I've made I've made a decision I'm not gonna do What other people do I'm not gonna do the things That will advance my career I'm not doing No no no Get that back Say it again You're not gonna I'm not gonna play golf Or what Bowl Bowl Or what Pool No what we do What do we do What do you and I do Kiss on the lips At the OR We also read Kierkegaard Yes we read Kierkegaard Kier and trembling No we do? What do you and I do? Kiss on the lips at the OR.
We also read Kierkegaard. Yes, we read Kierkegaard.
Fear and trembling. No, we do Kierkegaard.
Philosophical books. Hold on, we read Kierkegaard.
Yeah, watch Kurosawa films. Kurosawa films.
Yeah, yeah. We meditate.
We meditate, dude. Meditate.
With our dicks out. Yes, we meditate a lot.
We go for walks. Yeah.
And take your pants down. Oh, you know what I did yesterday? What? My friend? I was in the green room before you got there, right?

There was all guys in there.

I just pulled my penis out.

Good.

Yeah.

And everyone laughed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like the old days.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Kierkegaard comedy.

They laughed.

Dude, it's Kierkegaard comedy.

Kierkegaard comedy.

It's existential philosophical comedy, dude.

You have to think about it and ponder, dude.

Yeah.

People don't ponder anymore, DeStefansis. DeStefansis, they don't ponder anymore, DeStefansis.
Let's ponder. I know, dude.
What did you ponder about today? I was able to follow you last night. That's what I'm pondering, dude.
I was scared. Yeah.
You know what I mean? You're a Madison Square Garden comic now. Allegedly.
Allegedly, dude. Allegedly.
We'll see what happens. Check your news feed.
Yes. So great lineup last night.
It really was. I like doing comedy here.
Hi. You remember? Hi.
You remember her? Ruby. Ruby.
Ruby Tuesday. Rudy.
Rudy. Ruby Cake.
Ruby Cake. Oh, hello.
Oh, she's putting makeup on? Hi. Yeah.
Wow. Oh, yeah.
This is an arrangement. This is a special.
Tiger Belly shouldn't do shit. Yeah.
Yeah. Wow.
Yeah. But for bad friends, look at her.
She was coming. I knew she was coming.
Hello. Yeah.
Hello. Welcome again.
Wait, wait. What's the name? DeStefano.
Yeah. Have you ever seen him online? Sometimes.
Yeah. You pops up? I see the tubbyware.
Oh, tubbyware. Yeah.
What's that? i mispronounced the word tubbler on my old podcast hey babe with salvocano and that's the thing that went viral not the jokes that i've written i know that's the things that go viral you you can't plan and i get i have to do comedy shows and people bring tubbler and i sign them yeah i'm done you know accomplished comedian yeah yeah like that yeah what was the bit i don't ever seen that i just mispronounced the word tupperware because i thought it was t-u-b-b-e-r oh that's so funny tub that's so good it was top yeah i didn't know that yeah yeah i don't want to see it but you know what happened was is is the gay community on tiktok i swear to god they started coming out to their parents they started doing like all like you know like tiktok you could take the audio they started coming out to their parents with the tumbleware video and that's what made it super viral oh whoa like they would do that they would come out like i'm gay i'm tumbleware i don't get it i don't know hey i'm gay what is it i don't know yeah that's pretty good but they this whole thing and then it went viral there were little buttholes and all that mean I see Your relationship With Sal good Of course But do you end it Then you Were you doing Are you done with him No Well we just Stopped the pod We were both He was He was going back on tour And Practical Joker Started again I'm a gambler So I'm addicted to losing Right right I like to lose it Get it back Lose it get it back Lose it get it back I see I see I the show, I put it back Now you're back with Jan Back with Jan

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Then I'll stop and put it back

Yeah, yeah, yeah

He's so happy that you're back

No, Jan is

Shout out HistoryAness

Because that was

I finally found a place too

For me to just be so wild

On the Patreon there

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I like to just say what I want

Do what I want

Yeah

You like to say wild things, huh?

I like to say wild things

But I kept getting demonetized

Yeah

So now I don't

If you were in a zoo

Let me ask you a question.

You're in a zoo.

You'd fall into a pit, okay?

Animal pit, right?

Okay.

You have chimps.

Would you rather fall into chimps?

Hyenas?

Or the third one's a good one.

Joe Rogan zombie.

Oh, I would say if I wanted to, out of all of them.

Yeah, yeah.

I would say Joe Rogan zombie. There's no way.
No, yes. He would i would say joe rogan zombie there's no way no yes he would no fucking eat your fucking face and then and then do push up with your body because you know what i travel with no no because i would know how to distract him you know what i travel with on it kettlebells oh yeah yeah kettlebells yeah that's good company the on it kettlebells right right so i would take one of his on it kettlebells right i was like a gorilla head and i'd put it in the corner and right and i'd run the other way that's a good one because the hyenas will eat you alive that's what they like to do they like to eat from the feet first no they'll eat you live the chips will rip your head off i'll tell you my logic with the hyenas though tell me you want to hear my logic you know about hyenas because you what do you know about them they're um that merch or property bible yeah yeah you know he just converted do you know that i just want to say something yeah yeah he wants to say he has a message for you during jacomaya's reign nebus nazar this is n-u-b-u-c-nezzar, king of Babylon, attacked and Jechemaka became his vassal for three years.
Then Jehomai turned and rebelled against him. The Lord loosed against him bands of Chaldeans, Armains, Moabites, and Ammonites.
He unleashed them against Judah to destroy him. According to the Lord's words spoken through his servants, the prophets.
Yeah. This befell Judah because the Lord had stated that he would put them out of his sight for the sins Manasseh had committed in all that he did and especially because of the innocent blood.
Because Manasseh and the Jehovah Mamites were cousins. And then you know what happened? Johan.
Johan had something to do with it. The rest of the acts of Jehukim.
But Jehukim, right, was he was like Judas at that time. Yes.
Right? But then like Job. Right.
Who's Jehomimite? That's's the mystery. And that's what we're all asking.
And theologians. Right.
Right. And religious people are always asking that question.
The wicked have been corrupt since birth. Me.
Liars from the womb. Liars.
They have gone astray. Their venom is like the venom of a snake like that of a serpent shopping its ears.
Whoa. Let me read you my favorite.
I'll read you my favorite. I have my favorite too, dude.
Oh, you want to go, dude? Here we go. You're a serpents.
Oh, my favorite parable, dude. Faroa's broken arm.
Okay. Yeah.
Oh, the seventh day of the first month in the 11th year. And I was 14 years old then.
Really? By the way, a little side note. Oh.
Okay. And that's when i lost my virginity at 14 i was molested yes same thing i lost um i have broken the arm of pharaoha king of the egypt why'd he do that let me let me finish that fuck this god damn c king of egypt c dude it has not been immobilized for healing nor set with a splint to make it strong enough to grasp a sword.
And when they say sword, they mean dick. Yes.
Back then. You know what I mean? The sword is a symbol of dick.
A parable. It's a parable, dude.
You know what I mean? And you can't grasp yours. You have to use two fingers.
Right? We grasp. Yeah, we grasp.
Carlos has a little dick? No, no, no. This is fucking pork.
Fancy?, fancy pork. Yeah, but it's Spanish.
It's okay if it's little Spanish. I know, but he jerks up with three fingers.
Really? He does? Yeah, yeah. Like a penguin hand? Yeah, and I don't know how you got your wife pregnant, but that's a mystery.
With style. Are you having a baby? With style? You had a baby already? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You just jammed the gummy penis into their vag? Wow. So gross.
How old is the baby? Two. Yeah.
Okay, nice. Jules, would you read Chris DeStefano, our guest, a parable of your choosing, please? Yes, please.
Thank you. Yeah.
Go ahead. There you go.
Jesus is among us all. Remember that.
Yes. There it is.
Usurpation of Athalia. When Athalia, the mother of Ajia, saw that her son was dead, she began to kill off the whole royal family of the house of Judah.
You're very excited about that. That's fun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, what did you learn from that parable, Jules? That it's okay to kill your family.
No, that's not what the parable was Somebody killed Her daughter right and then she killed the royal family Her family It's okay to kill your rival That's great Is it okay I think in certain instances it's okay So I can kill Ronnie Chang Yes I thought you didimmy o yang ronnie chang yeah dr ken they're on my hit list yeah who are your rivals that you're gonna kill who am i gonna kill um i'm gonna kill uh schultz no no i want to kill schultz i don't kill black people okay i would kill um i don't really have like a like a rival who's like me i mean um i don't know who would i kill just because maybe i'd kill um um i think kills are harsh let's let's let's let's reframe kill funny okay okay that's not funny you edited that part out um i don't like it it's a play on words i don't like it right So how about this, okay? You're in an elevator. Okay.
You see people running to get in. It's closing.
Okay. Sometimes you put your hand in.
Right. Right, to stop it.
Right. But who would you let it close? Who would I let it? Whose face? Who would you close on? Right in front of their face.
So what I would do, I'll just, and it has nothing to do with how I feel about them. I would just do it for a laugh laugh Who would you do? Fortune Feimster Alright so you're an elevator now Who would you? Who's running toward? Sprinting towards me I would let it close on Fahim Amwar Why? Just because I saw him last night That's it? Yeah yeah yeah And I would just fucking yell something because he would i'll tell you why i would look at his eyes and i would say never forget why oh 9-11 yeah yeah yeah yeah 9-11 yeah yeah yeah no i like it yeah yeah but i like because i love right but so here's the thing the reason i would do it to him is he wouldn't be even when he's mad he's not mad no he's too nice and he was with a beautiful girl last night oh my holy moly is that his girlfriend I guess it's a girl that he's seeing she's beautiful holy moly holy I hugged her so hard last night I hugged her so hard and I think he called me at one in the morning I swear to God and I didn't pick up because I think it's about the hug because you hugged her and then you were bubbling from the other spit bubbles in your mouth no we did a head like here's what we did a side hug yeah but then her head hit my head yeah and we touched heads like this right and I think our heads fucked you fucked her head yeah yeah because I did cum yeah you did yeah yeah I did cum right so she went I went right and then his like you know you know how afghans get or whatever you know what i mean yeah you get sand crazy yeah they do they really do it gets sand crazy dude right right right right right right and they start thinking of crazy things you know like taking a bag and putting some sort of contraption in it and just putting on the side of the road right they get sand crazy dude Do you think when he's fucking her he has to take off his C4 Or do you think he Yeah I envision him putting a mask Having a pole And then having someone dressed like Luke Skywalker You know what i mean oh god you remember that movie yeah did the new hope yeah i tattooed why are we attacking he's a great guy my point is he's got a beautiful girl so we had we yeah we hit we hit heads yeah i came right he called at one in the morning right and i didn't pick up because i knew that's what it was about right like why'd you fuck my fucking girl's head what but maybe it wasn't about that it couldn't should i call him call him all right what do you think should i call him he's a very handsome man he's a handsome he's wasn't he on snl he auditioned or i don't know he should do it but he's not only should do it he the best writer on the west coast very one of the funniest comics ever too yeah yeah so right if he had some man what a handsome at 12 11 we go.
What do you want to talk about? I don't know. I didn't pick up.
You know, you actually don't pick up a lot. I never pick up.
I love it. And I also have something to talk to you about too after the call.
Okay, good. All right.
Your call has been forwarded. What is the thing that you want to talk to me about? There was an episode you guys did two weeks ago, three weeks ago when the fires were happening and then you checked in on each person.

No, wait, wait.

Stop, stop, stop.

Wait, wait, wait.

Please don't.

You want to do it?

Yeah, I do.

Because I want to say

to people right now,

I have empathy,

great empathy

for the people

that lost their homes.

You're letting me

stay in your house.

I'm letting you stay

at my house

because of the fire.

Right. Because Kalilah's house was in Altadena and they still can't get there.
Right. So the dogs and you can stay at my house forever.
Right. Okay.
So Kalilah's house was set on fire. It got saved but they can't go into the area.
Got it. Okay.
Okay. Because of the lead.
What? Because of looters? Carlos, what? What? I'm just asking. No, but that's because of looters, man.
Okay, I'm asking why you can't go back, dude. Because of the fucking chemicals and stuff that's in the air, man.
Oh. God, dude.
I don't call chemicals, man. Yeah.
So anyway, so then what happened? So I texted. I texted.
You're in New York. And I'm in New York.
And I hear this episode. Everyone, Andrew and Bobby, are going to the people who reached out to them.

And I reached out to Andrew.

And I have proof of that text.

And I reached out to Bobby.

And I have proof of that text.

On Friday, January 10th.

And I said that you didn't.

The day after the fires, you said I didn't.

I said, hey, babe, how are you checking in on fires?

I love you.

Is what I said to him.

And then two hours later, he sent me back the text that said, great followed by this picture of an asian man burning himself alive in a in a protest of vietnam and that's what i was sent and then and then i wrote i love you and then he said love you too bro you know we just have for you to read another passage one more one more god damn one more and that's gotta get back on track i like reading the new test yeah yeah okay let me say you parable 58 cry out full-throated

and unsparingly oh that's enough lift up your voice that's enough i already know voice like a

trumpet blast whoa i know what trumpet means proclaim to my people their transgression to

the house of jacob their sins like a nation that has done what is just and not abandoned the

judgment of their god they ask of me just judgments they desire to draw near god why do we fast but

Thank you. like a nation that has done what is just and not abandoned the judgment of their god they ask of me just judgments they desire to draw near god why do we fast but yet you do not see it why do we fast afflict ourselves but you take no note see on your fast you carry out your own pursuits and drive all your labor labors see you fast only to quarrel and fight and to strike with a wicked fist do not fast as you do today to make your voice heard on high is this the manner of fasting i would choose what does that mean they don't eat oh it's a big back then that's the thing they use the intermittent fasting values called yeah yeah was there a karen carpenter back in the day oh what is a karen carp Who's Karen Carpenter? Huh? Who's Karen Carpenter?

You don't know Karen Carpenter?

I know Sabrina Carpenter.

I went to her concert. Am I saying Karen Carpenter wrong?

No, you're saying it correct.

Yeah, yeah.

How do you not know

who Karen Carpenter is?

Look, because I only know

Sabrina Carpenter.

Oh, yeah.

I went to her concert.

Out of the Carpenters?

Yeah.

Sabrina Carpenter.

I went to her concert

with my family

and my family left

and I stayed.

There was a band

called the Carpenters

and she was a drummer

and a singer.

And Jesus' father

was a Carpenter.

Yeah, and she died

from bulimia.

From bulimia?

Yeah, and I stayed. There was a band called The Carpenters.
And she was a drummer and a singer. And Jesus' father was a carpenter.
Yeah. And she died from bulimia.
From bulimia? Yeah. And I was trying to make a little, try to riff on something and you didn't know.
So now it's kind of, it was a dead end. I'm sorry.
Hold on. You know what I mean? I'm sorry.
You like Sabrina Carpenter? I love Sabrina Carpenter. Oh, here we go.
That would be the best band. Yeah.
Kim. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
Yeah. Friends.
Friends. Give me that me.
Send me that so. That me espresso.
That me. Send me that no.
That's that me. Expresso.
I think, and I'll say it all fair. I think we have a friend who I think did a little with her.
Nice. No, really? I know a guy who went through a little with her.
We know a lot of guys. Here's a little secret, everyone listening, okay? Tell us.
We've had people on this show, right? Unknown comics almost, right? People that are like, really? Right? That have hooked up with super famous celebrities. Jeff Dye.
That we can never announce here. Jeff Dye, Jeff Dye.
Like crazy things. Adam Ray, Jeff Dye.
It's close. Bobby Lee.
But like crazy things like that. But if I said it now, it would cause so much raucous and chaos.
Yeah. And I've never hooked up with an A-list celebrity actress.
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Have you ever seen hermaphrodite up close? You know, I don't want to Google it because I don't know if we can show it, but can you describe it to me okay so when i so let me okay a hermaphrodite is this let me try to get the definition do it do it do it is a hermaphrodite somebody that was born with both genitals with both genitals are they combined they can be there's a whole array of hermaphrodites now which kind would you want to be so i'd want to be i want to be combined combined i want to be combined i I want to be mostly Pussy with a little dick I want to be pussy and the Clit be my dick You know what I want to be I want to have a full Pussy and just balls no penis Oh really really Or I want to have The penis right and have the fucking hole of the penis Be a pussy

So only like little rodents

And things that can fuck it

So you're saying

You have a full penis but just the end is a pussy

It's not the hole that we have

It has the actual labia

And the clit but it's miniature

Well what if you have a penis

Like a fraggle from Fraggle Rock

What if you have a full penis

But then both balls are just two pussies

I'm going to go. That's it.
Two. Right.
And then, right, what you could do is if Brittany and, what's her name? Abby and Brittany, the twins, were lesbians. Yes.
That's it. Two for one.
Or two for two. When I was a- Two for two.
Yeah, yeah. I was a physical therapist.
What are we talking about? Well, I'm bringing it up because I was a physical therapist. And there was a hermaphrodite who was a patient of ours.
But my boss didn't tell me. It was only my second week on the job.
Wow. So he knew, you know, we're not working in the hospital or whatever and this person who was hermaphrodite came in, they needed a total knee replacement.
So I just thought it was a regular patient. It was just like a regular guy, you know, whatever.
And he had total knee replacement. So my boss was like, you know, I want you to do a pelvic exam as well.
A pelvic, right. Is it a true story? It's a true story.
Oh my God. And I said, what do you mean? And they're like standing in the back like this, like holding in laughter.
Because even the guy was in on it, the actual patient. And I said, a pelvic exam, but he has a total knee replacement.
What did he look like, this guy? He looked like a normal guy. Like Adrian Brody? Yeah.
Okay, good. Yeah.
I want him to look like Adrian Brody for some reason. He looked like if you combined Carlos and Fancy.
Not Adrian Brody. The opposite.
He looked like if you had Carlos' penis and Fancy's pussy. So we go.
I said pelvic exam. Okay.
And so I go doing like my little pelvic exam above the robe. And my boss says, no, you need to disrobe.
He's giving permission. And I said, oh, okay, sir.
And is it a good is a trick no you're just real no i love it so i go so i get them in the proper position for a pelvic exam lay them down and it's like a you know very medical procedure or whatever yeah and i'm going to do it and i pull down and i go oh my god because you pull down and you see a penis you see the penis i see the top of the penis and then right off to the side this guy had just a huge pussy Coming off his thigh There's no way I swear to God You swear to God A huge pussy It doesn't work Why would you go Oh my God then Because you don't expect To see a pussy On the inside of a guy's thigh You know what it's like In the movie Temple of Doom Yes Right When Kate Capshaw right Is getting that soup Yes And she's really hungry Yeah And she's about to eat it And then the the eyeball flips to the surface. That's what I'm going to quote it to.
I went, holy smoke, Dr. Jones.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Show her.
Yeah. So I saw it and then these guys are fucking dying laughing.
Were you laughing? Yeah, well then I started to laugh about it. I was like, what? You couldn't do that today.
Imagine today trying to do that as like a goof where you just prank a hermaphrodite. that's a new show on true tv so if i honestly be honest with me with your heart with your heart literally yeah a hand on the guy yeah right honestly dude if i was a hermaphrodite okay and i showed you my vag yeah okay and it was like um i'm talking about like you know you know like kate mott you know like i'm talking about like you know i mean just the perfect perfect yeah yeah yeah rebel wilson rebel wilson yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly i do is that she's in cats right she's hot yes that lady in cat yes i like her her vag like beefy rebel like that yeah yeah but beefy yeah she looks like a nice tight that's what i was thinking because she looks like she has the kind of vagina i don't know we shouldn't talk like that about women yeah maybe we respect all women and jules we apologize right but let's it's a very good one yes and i and i looked at you and i went you wanna you would be honest so you're're saying you have a working vagina as a hermaphrodite? Yeah.
You're you? You're fully you just with a vagina? Well, I could like half my face. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Put makeup. Yeah.
Yeah. I would do it.
I would do it. Because you know why? You're hairless.
That's what I like. If you were a more hairy guy, I would say no.
But I would fuck you. I would fuck you because you have no hair.

That's what I like about you.

You're very, very, very hairless.

I wish I could say the same for you.

I don't have hair.

No, I wouldn't do it with you.

I have hair on my legs.

You're too manly.

You have all the chin.

You have the fucking, you know what I mean?

You look just too manly to me.

Do you think I'm handsome?

You look like a Greek god because of your nose. What does Andrew Santino handsome? Am I more handsome than Andrew Santino? Yes.
Dude, it's not even a... Dude, that's not even a debate.
You know what I mean? So then I should get the show. Yeah, he's like...
Oh, yeah, look at that guy. Andrew's handsome at the top of the red spectrum.

Right.

Right.

But if you take him out

just a white spectrum,

it's like special needs.

Right, right, right.

But red,

he's top of the line.

Top of the line.

The top redhead.

And for little

mythological Asian dudes,

I feel like I'm

top of the line.

You really are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You realize there's you,

Jackie,

Frodo Baggins.

You, Jackie, Jackie and Frodo Baggins, the panda in the central park zoo yeah exactly yeah yeah that i think amongst them in a lineup i probably be like you know that thing where they put top pop the balloons yeah yeah yeah i don't think the pandas would pop my balloon no their balloons no you're very handsome and and you're also very confident my jasmine my girl yeah they're very cute she loves you she's lovely it was kind of juicing her up that night at the Hulu party. She loves you.
Yeah, I think juicing was the right wrong word to use. This is a pattern with you because you tried to fuck Jasmine's head too.
I did a head thing. You did a head thing.
That's what he does. That's how he marks his territory.
Yeah, thank you. That's how he marks his territory.
Yeah, yeah. Because I kissed her on the head goodnight and it smelled like kimchi.
Yeah, you're yeah she's you know what here's what can I be honest with you that's what I'm looking for she's beautiful right that's what I'm looking for yeah someone that can here's FY for people out there okay for women who want to maybe date you maybe I'm going to be my life partner. Yeah.
Okay. Respect that.

It's one thing to be beautiful, cultured.

She is beautiful.

I don't know.

It's like my daughter.

It's like looking at my dogs or whatever.

There it is.

But I love you.

I love all my animals.

But my point is this.

I'm sorry.

That's so rude.

I apologize.

I love you. Her daughter would be nice to get me you but what I'm saying is that you know beauty right it's culture right but they need to adapt to every social situation I feel like your wife can adapt to social situations am I correct or not about that you're correct about her what I love about her after being with her for 10 years yeah what i love about her is she is very loyal and she knows bullshit right away and she knows what people to say hey no more with this guy there's something i don't like about him and she's right she's right because she grew up in the hood what if she said that about me no but she knew i know but what if she did then you would fuck stop fucking with me yeah then i would start Fucking with you Okay That's what I would do Okay I would bring back The Asian hate Oh yeah Yeah From three years ago Okay good Now I listen Because you know We're engaged now You know that Oh bravo Congratulations Will you have a wedding Yes we're gonna have a wedding Can I go Yes 100% We got engaged On January 6th I swear to god You did i swear to god well that's a great day we got a great holiday we got engaged on january 6th and then we were going to get married on on 9-11 but i'm doing the show okay but but we might just get married at the show okay and and um and so so we got engaged because i said you know what how long am i going to keep not committing how long am i going to keep doing this we have children with we have children and my daughter you know the first thing my daughter said when we got engaged she said finally daddy we're gonna be a real family oh did you cry did you cry cried 100 cried i don't see you crying i had to cry in that yeah yeah yeah i cry i i that that was that was something that brought tears the only times i've cried in the last year i swear to god is that moment and when i re-watched little giants from 1994 that that gets me yeah you ever seen Little Giants no the annexation of Puerto Rico that's what I call my family yeah yeah is that did you really cry during that moment I swear to God I really did yeah I really really cried and um and but I cried when my daughter said that and it made me feel really bad about some of the decisions I've made over the course of my last 10 years of like why didn't I just commit to do this with her earlier what was I afraid of because what I've done is I've committed to two people Jasmine and this guy right here have you tried eating the body of Christ already yes oh he's eaten so many bodies 100% you know why I do it because I follow a strict keto diet he's high protein I ate his body but yeah I eat the body of christ the blood of christ i drink the blood what is the body is it bread i've never been to one of those things it's the holy eucharist it's it's a wafer that's been blessed by the priest and it it is the body of christ it's a it's a little wafer and it's only about five calories according to my fitness pal so it will not break a fast and then i have my uh and then you drink the blood of christ yeah which is wine, which is just Sutterholm wine from the liquor store.
Yeah, it's so interesting. Wow, wow.
It's interesting that I've never been to a church like that. I want you to come to church.
Will you come to our wedding at the church? Yeah, I mean, I'm going to the wedding, but I've never, I know I've been to weddings in a church, but I've never been to like a Catholic church where they have the whole, you know, the cred and stuff. I'm going to call Jazz and see if you can come okay see okay yeah i don't think so yeah i don't think so let me see that's bullshit yeah yeah let's see she doesn't i think she literally looks at my call yeah she knows that like when i'm on the road i'm very lonely and i need her and she looks at the call and hangs up yeah really yeah because i think you know what it is because she's an old school woman she thinks it's weak if i say i'm lonely I'm depressed.
Why don't you snap the fuck out of it and try to sell out your shows? Yeah. Because we need that money and I need a new tip.
Why haven't you, are you, is the acting thing not a thing you're going to do? I've. You're a very, I mean, let's get down to the business at hand.
Let's get down to the business's hand and look at this guy he is he's gonna sell out madison score garden let's be honest allegedly no you're gonna okay keep keep keep watching it's september you know and i'm gonna do the show i'm gonna try to do the show there'll be announcement coming soon yeah yeah um you're um now a talk show guy i mean you're on the talk show circuit yeah you just did kimmelmel, no? We did Kimmel and then I got, Edward Norton was on on YouTube. He got 500,000 views.
Anthony Mackie on the week before, he got 250,000 views. I was on 18,000 views.
That's pretty good though, comparatively speaking. Yep.
Yeah, yeah. Go on, keep going.
All right, and so, and can you act is the question. Yes, I can.
I work work at it yeah yeah i've went on on i've kept track i've went on a hundred and three one hundred and three auditions yeah yeah 16 and i've gotten one can we chat gbt a script before me and um yes yeah yeah and so i think we should do a three-way you know i mean a scene between us three i'd like to test your you know test your, you know what I mean, your chops here. I'm putting my product out there, Bobby, on a daily basis, and the people are saying no.
That's what's happened. Okay, can I say this, too? What's happened to me? And I want to say this.
I'm thankful and fortunate for what I do have, but people are saying no. Hey, guy.
Relatively consistent. Guy, guy.
Okay. Guy.
Guy. Guy.
Let me tell you something, guy. There's a disconnect between this and that,

between what we do in our ecosystem and Hollywood.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

There still isn't, you know what I mean,

a complete direct line is what I'm saying.

They think that what we, they don't understand what we do.

And we don't quite understand what they do,

but we want to do what they do and they want to do what we, why don't we do it together? You know what I mean? But they won't let it. You know what I mean? That's why.
But you're in? That's why. No, I'm not.
You get a little more. I've done some stuff.
I'm not fully in though. You're like in, but you're there because you do their laundry.
Oh, yeah. Oh, you did a more Asian analogy.
No. Yeah, Old West.
Yes. It's the Old West.

Oh, I know what it is.

Let's say you're a cowboy.

Yes.

Right?

And I'm a Chinese laundromat guy in Deadwood.

Where you come in, you, hey, man.

Hey, Chang.

You know what I mean?

Wash these trousers.

Okay, mister.

Okay, mister.

Right?

And you go, deliver it to my house.

Right?

Okay, mister. Right? Right.
And I get through the laundry, laundry and i go in and you invite me in for a second right come on in here chang and i go in that's the only time you're allowed allowed in that right is that a good analogy that's a good analogy okay you come in okay and then we tie up your feet because we oh yeah what what else what else what else happens we like to tie up the asian feet down the stairs in the the basement Yeah, yeah. And I go, what's going on here, Mr.
John? I wash your trousers. It's on the house.
Please don't do this to me. And then what do you say? And then I tie up.
I said, I'm going to tie up your feet. Yeah.
Why are you doing this to me? Mr. John.
Mr. John.
Why are you doing this to me, Mr. John? I'm going to put a little soy sauce on your feet.
Why? I'm not dumpling. Yeah, you are.
I'm not dumpling, Mr. Jones.
You don't believe in Jesus. I don't.
I'm Buddhist. I'm Buddhist, Mr.
Jones. I'm going to eat your feet.
Please don't. Yo, I see.
I see. Yeah.
Yeah. And then the next time you go to the fucking place, I'm just like wobbling around.
Yeah. And you're going to still go wash my trousers.
Yes. Right.
That's that guy. And I'm walking on nubs.
Oh, my God. Here's the scene.
It's the laundry run. A small, dusty laundry shop in a typical old West town.
Clothes are hanging on a line outside. Oh, oh.
And there's the faint sound of a creek in the background. Inside, the smell of soap and steam from boiling water fills the air.
The three men, Jed, Billy, and Cole, step by a counter, leaning on it with various laundry items in hand. All right, so what am I playing? So you'll be...
Just throw it out. I guess you're...
He's Jed. I'll be Jed.
You're Jed, and I'm Billy. You're Billy? Yeah.
And you're Cole. Okay? Man.
We have to do an accent? No, it's whatever. Your choice, dude.
You're the actor. Man, I've never thought I'd be standing in a place like this.
We went out again. For my laundry to get done.
Ain't no cowboy got time for laundry. You ain't wrong, Jed.

But I reckon it's better than wearing these stinkers another day.

I ain't been washed clean

in the month. My old lady

would have had a fit if she saw me

like this.

You boys are lucky.

I don't have anyone to complain about me looking like a tumbleweed. My boots smell worse than a rattler's dam.
I ain't bothering with no laundry. You got a good point, Cole.
Ain't much to do when you're right alone all the time. I reckon you can smell as bad as you please out there in the wild.
But calm your down and folks start looking at you like y'all been rolling in cow dung. I reckon it's the dust.
It gets in your pores. Makes you smell like you've been sleeping in the middle of a sandstorm like Faheem.
I mean, I can't even tell if my shirt's dirtier from sweat or from just sitting in the sun all day. You okay, Cole? You coughing, Cole? I say it's a little bit of fun.
You boys ain't much different. But this laundry place, hell, it's like little slice of civilization.
Clean sheets, hot water, and the smell of lavender. You sound like a lady called lavender.
What happened to riding hard and living free? Living free don't mean you gotta stand like a horse backside, but I do like me some clean socks and underwear. Ain't too proud to admit it.
You know, we might ought to be careful what we say. The way this laundry lady looks it up, I wouldn't put it past her to be listening in in our conversation.
You seen her eyes? They got like that look like she knows everything, even things you ain't said out loud. Oh, yeah, I swear.
Every time I come in here, it feels like she's going to read my soul. I ain't sure how she manages the laundry so perfectly.
Like she's working magic. That ain't magic.
That's skill. You don't survive out here without knowing how to take care of business.
Maybe she's been in these farms longer than we seem. See, that's what I like about the West.
Everyone's got a story they ain't telling, but they all know how to make things work. I feel like we're...
That's the truth. Well, fellas, I reckon it's time to get our shirts back before she starts making us fold them Ourselves Don't Wait wait wait Don't want no part Of the kind of work Let's get him Before she puts A spell on us boys We may be All right Let's go Yeah we got this From the Theovan And Spade movie That's it That's it That's a funny callback.
I like that. It's very good commitment.
Very great. You grasped onto the southern accent.
That was really good. I followed you guys.
You followed? Yeah. And Guy Chris, you can act.
God damn it. Thank you.
Yeah. And one day...
This shirt's designed to be inside out, by the way. I never questioned it.
No, because I just want... I know the fans might start talking shit.
Yeah, yeah's designed this way yeah so just just fya and you know i what i appreciated about it is that you haven't done one asian accent since you've been on the show no yeah because why what why because i when you do it because you get some heat on online i got some heat online and like i like i said before i said this a couple of episodes i came on here and i apologized because I got yelled at for some Asian accents I was doing. And I made a genuine, deep-hearted apology.
I handed it with, I'm a Saudi. I know, I know.
And then people got mad at me. At that too.
And then people got mad. And they're going to be mad at that, you think? They're going to be mad at that.
Yeah, yeah. And then, so I just want to say, look into the camera this time and mean, I really am actually sorry for saying that.
Yeah, but here you're- And I'm sorry. It hurts me.
But we're, you know, I make one of you. I have rubbed- Yeah, I know, I know.
It's a tension. I know.
When white people, when you have this, yeah, Yeah you gotta stretch it out farther Cause it relieves the brain You gotta get to the temple You know what helps Yeah yeah Sometimes when I have My therapist said to do this Yeah yeah The tension ache You pull it back And you go like this And that releases the pressure Yeah yeah That's yeah I do that too at home. I do it too and it feels so good.
Your headache goes away. White people, I'm telling you, no matter where you are, you know what I mean? When you're in Taekwondo class or wherever you might be, at your local Chinese restaurant, if you have a headache, right there, you're, oh, oh, oh.
Yeah, that guy has a headache.

That's not Mickey Rooney.

Yeah, that's a guy with a headache.

So last week, my daughter was asking me

for help with her math homework,

and I said, honey, I don't know the answer.

And I'm like this.

Just to release your restaurant.

And then the answer just came to me.

And then I just said, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Now, let me ask you, you're Asian, right, Jules? When you see white people behave like that, how do you feel? Well, if I don't know them, then it's annoying.
That's the thing. There we go.
That's what we're talking about here. It's about we know each other.
I make fun of white people's penises. I make fun of their dumbness.
You know what I misgivings. And I think if I know somebody, I feel like anything's at play here.
I've made a decision in my life and this has freed me from a lot of stuff online is I don't care about anyone's opinion, good or bad, unless I personally know you or I've met you. Like if you told me, Chris, what you said hurt me, I would genuinely apologize to you.
But a random fan online, if they tell me I'm doing great or doing bad, I don't let it affect me either way. Only people that I personally know and I've met in the physical space.
Because my brains are not equipped. I can't process praise or hate from Nebraska.
I can't process it. Well, we have a friend, I don't want to say his his name but we have a friend that was working through that he called me a couple of months ago paranoid right about a bunch of stuff online he was reading he's super depressed right and i told this person i said don't read it yeah you just don't read it yeah i don't read anything no yeah no people go oh we're reddit this and i i don't I've never been on it.
I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about.
And that's how you have to live. Because if I did read it, I think it would affect me.
And you know what? And you know what? Our friend, our mutual friend who- I want to see his name so bad. When we talked to him about it.
I want to see his name. Say his name and then put it patreon.com slash bad friends.
No, we said, he said, and this is very accurate of him. He said, you know, all that looking online for the comments, all that comparison stuff, it's a form of self-hate.
You hate yourself. And so you're looking to be, you're looking for it to be justified by the comments.
You want to say, oh, Chris sucks. You're looking for it because you think you suck.
But if you're positive, you come from a positive place. You don't go looking for it.
So I think you at times, Bobby, you know, I you know i need therapy you need this you need that but you're much more positive place than you think no i know i think i am i think that i think i am i i've been doing things that let's be serious for a second now we're doing a lot of like you know this and a lot of sand crazy sand stuff you know i mean all that stuff but what i want to say is is that um there's another thing that I do is I was at the Chicago Improv.

And I was at the Schomburg Improv.

I was in the green room.

And a waitress came.

You know, every green room, the club waitress, they take care of you.

That's the head waitress.

The head waitress.

She's like, I'm going to be your waitress all weekend.

Whatever you need.

Just let me know.

One set tips.

And so she goes, this is so-and-so.

And she's interning.

And she seemed shy. But also, she kind of looked me weird.
She was like, she kind of looked at me like this. And when they left, I turned to the comics in the room and go, oh yeah, she doesn't like me.
And they go, what? I go, I can tell. And then- Do you think it's because, but do you think it's because, were you making it up or do you think it's because you pulled your dick out? No didn't that wasn't that when i did that oh yeah i would never do that all right i would never do that i would respect her too much okay and that wouldn't be good and by the way i just want to make it clear even if it looks like i did on camera before i didn't pull out any of my penis i i i know you did it was my thought exactly exactly it was your thought i know exactly all right so let's get that out in the clear yeah but then two days later she came up to me she goes hey i just want you know i'm just like i have a bad friend's t-shirt i'm a huge fan oh so in my mind i was like oh i make assumptions about people that aren't true and it's because um i had i know growing up i don't have to read my parents Cause my parents were snapper heads.
Is that a, is that like a slur? Damn snapper heads, take it up all. No, for Koreans from San Diego.
No, no, no, no, they were physically violent. Towards you.
Yeah, yeah, and they would just, you know, and so every day was reading the situation and to protect myself.

Right.

Right.

To like for danger.

And I do that out in the wild.

You know what I mean?

And I'm tired of doing it because it's like, it's usually not true.

You know what I mean?

And I feel comfortable with when they don't like me.

And when people like me, I feel uncomfortable, which I want to change that narrative as well.

But here's the good thing to know is that most people don't care at all. They don't care that's the thing they don't think about you know what it is with assume you know what it is you make an asset of you and me you know that i know that that's a really good i like those little yeah yeah i like those little just one more here's another one a little another one tidbit here's another parable this one's for you don their wives are foolish and their children wicked accursed their brood but the children of adulterers don how come you never sit down come sit down sit down will remain yeah yeah issue you never come in genie of an unlawful bed will disappear for should they attain long life they will be held no esteem should they die abruptly they will have no hope nor comfort in the daily of scrutiny for dire is the end of the wicked generation.
Yeah. That's what it is.
Don, did you listen? That was for you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. will have no hope nor comfort in the daily of scrutiny for dire is the end of the wicked generation yeah that's what it is don did you listen that was for you oh yeah oh yeah that was really good what are you doing what are you doing oh there was a little advice i was telling him

yesterday you want to say it tell him no i shouldn't say it no then why'd you just do that

because you because i was practicing oh yeah you were practicing that was very good though

very good learner yeah yeah yeah um um chris yes i'll just tell you tell him i could tell him tell him but yeah i was just saying yeah yeah yeah so what i'm saying is is that you know um when you're in a relationship right and i was telling a bunch of comics that's in the room yeah right and you want to get out of the relationship i can never end it right all right because what you do is you have to find a window to get out right right so you can force a window to open right by doing some of my techniques you can force a window to be open yeah yeah the problem is for me with that where i i have i don't have my house isn't the best right now and i have air conditioners in the window it's just now i analogy. I'm going to open the window.
It's an analogy. I don't have central air.
It's an analogy. Okay, but I have central air.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could hurt somebody.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to do that.
Yeah. Okay.
Well, yeah, it was just an analogy or door to open. Whatever.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
An opportunity. An opportunity.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, and that's where you have to get out.
Right. Okay.
So what it is, when you do the little techniques and one of the techniques I was telling people was you want her to break up with you. Subtle thing.
The coward way. That's the coward's way, right? The coward way.
So you do subtle things. And one of my techniques is you forget their name for a split second every time and you use a snap, right? So you go, hey, Kathy, right? Yeah.
Hey, what are we going to eat tonight, Kathy? Right? You do that. Smart.
30 times. It seeps into their subconscious, and they don't know what's bothering them.
They don't know what that's bothering them, right? Yeah. And that's where the windows will open.
Another one. I have several of them.
Smart. What? Very smart, right? That's actually very smart.
Tell them another one. Another one.
Which one? I think I've told people this one before on this podcast before. Let's hear it though.
I haven't heard it. Okay, you haven't heard it.
Right. Remember this, sometimes you can say things that you've said in a podcast before, previously, because guess what? As Marcus Aurelius said, you never step in the same river twice.
Because the river's always flowing. It's always new water.
So when you step in it, it's a different light, a different experience. Oh, so you can say the same thing.
In emotion. Yes.
This is a different river. You never step in the same river twice.
the river is always flowing it's always new water so when you step in it's a different light a different experience so you can say the same thing emotion yes that's this is a different river the same river twice oh the the the yeah yeah so all you have to do this is five times okay so those snapping 30 times this five times okay when you orgasm you don't make a noise you look directly into their eyes you had they have to be looking at you right and you orgasm with your face it's hard for me to i'm never looking in when i know but this is what you need to do i'm always facing this way i know yeah in order for you to do this exercise you have to be doing missionary so i have to have a mirror this is what you do right you look in their eyes and you go you go you go go. Like that, right? If you do that five times subconsciously, right? They will break up with you.
Yeah, it's terrifying. Terrifying.
Third thing. Yeah, third thing, right? This is a basic one.
No, this is good. You gave them the same present twice.
That's huge. It's a good one.
That's a good one. Right.
Because they usually go, they always say, I don't, it's just a thought that counts. You know what I mean? Like, I don't care, right? Right.
Here's two oven mitts, bitch. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Yeah. Right handed a left one for Christmas.
One Christmas, another Christmas. That's smart.
Right. Very smart.
Those little tints, dude. That's it.
The window will open, my friend. that's it the window will open my friend you know what that's funny yeah yeah because i had a friend he was dating girl for five years yes we're gonna get engaged and then on her birthday one year he gave her a card with a hundred dollar bill in it great she broke up with him that's great brilliant right broke up with him because she wanted an engager and he gave her a hundred bucks cash yeah yeah i did this once and she didn't break up with me sarah highland she can even defend she didn't even back the actress sarah highland no there's a different sarah all right the comedian sarah highland right so sarah we were dating for a couple years the first year she gave me a vintage painting from a store, like a vintage.

She likes going shopping at like antique stores

and vintage, you know.

And then I gave it to her.

The next year.

You re-gifted it.

I re-gifted it to her.

Smart.

Forgetting that she gave it to me.

Right.

And it was super embarrassing,

but she still didn't break up with me.

Right, but she really loved you.

Yeah, she really did love me.

What about getting back with her?

What about calling her?

She's married now to my friend Jen. Oh, oh she's a lesbo she's bi sexual and she's a very funny comic and i love her and she's family to me but you know i think if you're going to be a bisexual woman you're the you're a very good guy well it's it was because you're neutral you know what i mean i've had a couple of situations where lesbians have gone, dated me for a couple of years.
Yes. Everyone around them have been women.
So I've never really questioned that about myself. You know what I mean? What do you think of that? Because it is because you're very interesting.
Don, what do you think of that? Well, you've soft skin. And I think that it's smooth.
So it's an easy transition. I can look at you from across the room and go.
Yeah, yeah. I've seen you look at me like that from across the room.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah.
I can see it. I go, yeah.
Interesting. His skin is made of seaweed.
Let's come up with another one of these window opportunities together so I can write a book. What you've done is, yeah, yeah.
Well, you have really, really good ones so far. Yeah, the the best one was the um um snapping snapping forgetting the name yeah yeah yeah it's got to be a split second though everyone knows it if you live too much of a thing it then it's noticeable right and that's why i think the snapping is very important you know what's another good one too yeah let me write it down come home you could every time she comes home from work and it's happy to see you you're just laid out on the couch drinking a beer yeah like you're depressed like and then and then and then when your friends come over right you jump up you can't wait to go out with them you kind of subconsciously tell her i'm having fun with my friends and when i'm with you i'm miserable right and she starts to say do i make him miserable yeah that's what you do you can you can tell her you're gonna call her like i'm gonna call you in 30 minutes and you don't and then oh those are good those are good two hours never call her yeah never call her yeah yeah but those are um immediately you're

gonna pick her up from the airport never show up wow this is a room full of callers i can see

i'll tell you why those don't work because what my things are subtle right these will cause

arguments right then and there subtle right i don't want that either you know what i mean i

don't want to like hey i texted you you didn't text me i want them not to know what's going on

Thank you. You didn't text me.
I want them not to know what's going on. Almost like, there's something weird, but I don't know what it is.
You know what I mean? It's got to be one of those. Every time she texts you, I love you, you could just hard hit and not say it back.
Ditto. Yeah, maybe.
Ditto. Yeah, ditto.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on, wait.
Yeah, right. Just for Andrew.
What if you brought home takeout food, only for yourself oh that's good that's a good that's a really good one that's a good one yeah yeah um what if um what yeah what if you only you only um kissed her on her forehead like a child what do you mean like you never kissed on the lips you want to make down you're just saying Have a good day. And you kissed her on her head.
Top child. What do you mean? Like you never kissed her on the lips.
She wanted to make out and you're just saying have a good day and you kissed her on her head or you pat her on her head like a little bit. That's a good one.
That's good. Treat her like a dwarf.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good.
I like that. Treat her like a dwarf.
Or every time you guys were driving somewhere she would drive and you'd sit in the back seat. Oh yeah, like an Uber.
Like an Uber. Uber, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the Uber method. Like a relationship where it's like it's not intimate yeah like a driving miss daisy kind of a thing yeah yeah i like that what about what about this when you're walking somewhere with her you always walk a little bit in front of her that's a good one and you get but that that's but i've had fights like that before right where they go how come you always walk ahead of me right right yeah or like you know or have you had this happened you're walking with your girl right on a beach wherever boardwalk let's say whatever right at a mall right sure and you're just walking forward and a hot chick just walks in front of you and then you're like and they're like i saw that oh oh why because i have eyeballs Because I have eyeballs Looking that way You know what I mean It's crazy It's crazy talk Have you had that You want me to walk like this bitch Come on Yeah I hate it It's so dumb It's like you haven't checked it with me You're not my parole officer I'm not a criminal I haven't done shit bitch Sorry Kindergarten Sorry Sorry It's true though What you're saying we all agree with It's like all these things Now when I say these things I don't want to be in a relationship Why? Oh you told me another one I did last night? Where you don't Oh but that's different That's different Here's my theory And I'm not a scientist As you know as you know right and i'm not a dog you

only look like one yeah yeah yeah okay what was that i'm emotional today you are i'm tired i'm On the edge.

Right.

I'm going to express myself.

Please.

I believe that sperm is liquid love. Okay.
Hear me out. Okay.
When I'm jacked up with it, I love my girlfriend. Right? When I release, I like my girlfriend.
Okay? Okay. Right?

So in order for me to stay in love,

you don't come.

And that's what

I was telling you last night.

You never come.

What about this?

Here's a third theory.

Am I not?

No, it means

you don't really like them.

No, even I was in love

with Kalilah.

And even when I orgasm,

it's not like I hate, I love them still, but it's them still but it's still less a little less is what I'm saying sure am I in the shadows here no I get it because you maybe you were lust maybe it was lust and there was the lust juice so what you're telling me DeStefano is this liquid lust so what you're telling me is this and maybe i'm wrong then okay that every time you orgasm with your you feel the same exact way um what do you mean you don't feel empty like empty like towards her not just a tour but it's like you know you don't really want to cuddle as hard or whatever you know what i mean um i feel like That's not you, bro.

I'm alone on an island.

You're not on the boat?

It depends on the person.

Oh, really?

Last night you were on the boat.

We were on the boat together last night.

I was like, we're not fucking on the boat anymore.

What happened?

You jumped overboard?

No.

Oh, my God.

It depends on the person.

You're all liars, dude.

Everyone in this, blasphemy. Yeah, yeah.
Give me the book. It's fine.
Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ, please, dear Lord.
Forgive these sinners. You know what I mean? They do not know what they say or mean.
They only do for public eye. Here you go.
Thank you. Yeah, yeah.
It's insane. All right, let's go back, then forget it.
So I try to edge. That's all.
I agree. That's just edge, you know? That's right.
It's great. It's the best way to do it.
It's just, yeah. Every time I've had, the last five times I've had sex with my girl, I've come, but she's just continued watching Landman on Paramount+.
Really? Is it a good show? Yeah, yeah. Every time I come, I hold Billy Bob Thor in the background.
Yeah. It's called Landman.
Landman is one of the best TV shows I've seen ever in my life. So good.
And the character Billy Bob Thornton plays is fantastic. It's a very male show.
Right. It's on Paramount.
And it's a TV show or movie? I still like it. TV show.
No, girl. You don't think girls will like it? Allie Lard is in it.
Allie Lard is beautiful. Yes.
It's a good show. The last Landman

anything Tyler

Taylor Sheridan has put out

Landman. The other

one that Lioness

was fantastic. Yellowstone

this guy's unreal. Oh Yellowstone

I saw. Yellowstone's good.
Yeah yeah. 1883

1923. You should be you could be in

1883. You could be in 1883.
What could I play

in 1883? What could I play? The Laundryman. the railroad.
You build a railroad. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. I've already said this before.
You know what I mean? We're in a different river, right? Same stream. Whatever the analogy is.
Never step in the same river twice. River twice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Success is not final.
Failure is not fatal. But I always said in the Old West, I'd be opium.
You'd be opium? Opium dealer. You'd be an opium dem? I'd be an opium dealer.
Oh, straight from China That's what you would do And I feel like you're the guy that if you would get me I would come in and shake your hand And next thing you know you got me in a finger trap No no no Can we discuss that for a second? So let me see how that works So you? Right? So you come into my opium den. Yeah.
Right? I go, right this way. You do, right? Yeah.
And you go, thank you so much. You're my favorite opium den, right? Yeah, yeah.
And we shake hands. Shake hands.
And then when we release, I go, I got you. I got you.
And then I can't. Right.
But our two fingers are things? No, no. You just snitch it on me.
And your two fingers are in a trap? Yeah, but you got my hands in a trap. And then you start hitting me with sticks.
Dude, I mean. What does opium feel like? It must feel amazing.
It's heroin, right? Oh, that's what it is, right? It's heroin. You know, heroin is not actually bad for you.
It's the things that happen after you. There's vitamin D, I heard.
Actual heroin. Hold on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, RFK, our new chancellor of health.
He was just confirmed today. No, if you look.
Think if you look think google heroin itself that's not the bad thing you know what's crazy he's the chancellor of health and he's been inside my house yes isn't that weird to think about it's so wild it's so wild that he's been that like somebody you've met trump huh have you met trump when i was a little kid never okay never who's like the biggest politician you met uh love him voted him twice yes i don't know eric adams the mayor of new york eric oh really he did history hyenas oh he did he did in 2020 and now he's gonna go to prison who's the most famous guy you met politician no just in general new kingridge speaker of the house who's the biggest famous person you've met um probably colin farrow how'd you meet him i worked with him doing what show tv show no wow thank you you were an actor on it yeah yeah yeah and you played lacrosse from him yeah was he nice he beat me up was he nice he's the nicest man yeah he seems so nice he's the fucking he's the fucking dude he's yeah i'll tell you yeah yeah i remember we were watching the show was called on Apple TV, and I was having sex with my girl a couple of months ago, and I'm coming, and she goes, there's Don. Really? And you could see you on Sugar? Yeah.
You had lines and everything? I was in four episodes, yeah. Oh, okay.
Why don't you shut your fucking mouth, Bob? I told you last night, though. What did I say last night to you? You're a- I like me.
No, but also, as an actor, you have such a distinct look. Thanks, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if that was a compliment But yeah You're so handsome What? You're so handsome Do you think he's more handsome Yeah yeah yeah Actually He's way better looking than him Yeah good voice too And voice Yeah yeah So he doesn't look like a Greek god though? You said I look like a Greek god from the side Well maybe he's just a superior being than you Superior being here.
Yeah, but I'm more Aryan looking.

Is that good?

Yeah.

Okay.

In today's America.

Yeah.

You're like an Italian baker to me back in the day.

He does.

Yeah, yeah.

He does look like that.

Are you Mexican?

What are you?

Italian.

Okay, exactly.

From the South.

They're rare.

Sidney Sweeney.

Is that the most famous person now?

Sidney Sweeney is famous.

Oh, right, right.

I just did a movie with her.

You did a movie with her too?

Yeah, just now.

Wow.

Congratulations. Thanks, man.
But you do stand with her too? Yeah, just now. Wow.
Congratulations.

Thanks, man.

But you do stand-up too.

Still?

Debatable.

Yeah.

Have you seen him?

He's coming with me to San Francisco.

Oh, you do it?

He's coming to San Francisco.

Yeah.

He's coming to San Francisco.

Yeah.

Oh, that's awesome.

I do two-man shows.

Don goes up, does 20.

I do an hour.

We'll see you the fuck later.

Wow.

We go.

You have fun?

I do.

I have a good time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have a good time.

Cobbs Comedy Club, shout it out.

Yeah.

Oh, Fahim called. I'll call him back.
Let's call him back. Yeah.
Thank you. Okay.
Stay here, Don. I have to tell him he's on pod.
Yeah, what up? So I'm with this, Zafano. You're on Bad Friends.
Oh, what's up? Are you sure that right now? Yeah, we're on air. I wanted to warn you.
Okay. What'd you say? Don't get sand crazy.
I'm in Laurel Canyon. Don't get sand crazy.
You know, I know how you get. Anyway, what'd you call me last night late at night for? Just the trade notes uh it wasn't about it wasn't about bobby rubbing his head on your girlfriend's head i missed that no we did side hog we did a side hug photo and i bumped my head against that she's a wonderful girl it's by the way she's beautiful we.
She's beautiful. We were complimenting how beautiful she was.
I touched heads with her, and I came a little bit. Is that wrong? Sure, no.
I mean, it's biological. It's biological.
Yeah. Thank you.
So that's what you wanted to call me about. Yeah, he came.
Bobby, he noticed when he got home, he had a little bit of cum on his Crocs. Yeah, yeah.
That happens. Yeah.
Are you with her right now? I have a good pause. Are you with it right now? I'm just driving to the store.
Okay. I'm doing my show in the belly.

Oh, well, have a good show, bud.

All right?

Thanks, dude.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Anyway, that was Fahim Anwar.

That was Fahim.

Yeah.

Should I try Jasmine one time to see if you can come to the wedding?

Yeah, yeah.

And then this is it.

Okay.

Okay.

Sorry.

Let me see.

She doesn't pick up my calls.

I think she might have somebody else.

You're not going tonight, right?

Whoa.

You're staying in?

You heard that?

That was an immediate, go fuck yourself.

Now I'm calling back.

She hung up on me, right?

Yeah.

That was obvious.

It's probably just to not disturb.

Where's Andrew tonight?

Is he in New York?

Boston.

Boston.

Wilbur.

Hi.

Hi. I just want to tell you that you're on Bad Friends right now

with Bobby Lee

Don't worry

You're on the podcast

She doesn't know who I am

With Bobby

Hang up now

Hang up right now

If you don't hang up right now

You already said tell him I love him

Do you know who I am?

I know who you are

Thank you. Hang up right now If you don't hang up right now We're done Hang up right now You heard it Say tell him I love him Did you know who I am? I know who you are What do you think What is Bobby Lee from Other than bad friends Where have you seen him? Where haven't I seen him? Very good answer I like it's very political Just give one Just give one All you have to do Is get one here I don't know honey I't know.
Where do you think you've seen him? Just take a guess. Anything.
Anything that comes to mind. Sweetheart, I don't know.
I'm just asking you to take one guess. Just wedding, the wedding, the wedding.
One guess. Karate Kid.
One guess. Where have I seen him? I saw him at the hilarious party.
Right. And did he make you uncomfortable at all?

No.

Okay.

Because he has a thing where he likes to rub his head on other people's girlfriends' heads.

That doesn't make me uncomfortable at all.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay.

Let me answer you a question now.

We've said we want to keep things very, very small and intimate, close friends and family only for the wedding.

And I want you to be honest.

I know that you're on the show, but I want you to be genuinely honest is bobby lee invited to the wedding with a plus one okay he's not is are you being genuine jasmine he cannot come to the wedding yeah no i'm sorry okay okay okay good night all right good night so bobby's not invited well let real quick, real quick. And then I'll let you go.
Hold on, Jess. Is Andrew Santino invited? I'm going to think about it.
I love you. I love you.
Bobby walked off. All right.
I love you. Bye.
Aw, they're all invited. No, no, no.
He needs to know. All right.
Bye, bye, bye, bye. Bye.
Bye. Okay.
Oh, my God. Before we go, I want to say something.
I have to rebuttal. Yes.
Yeah, yeah. I will not go.
I will not go. Yeah, you're not invited.
Yeah, I'm not invited. I will not go.
Even if I was. I'm not going, you know.
The next time I see her, right? It'll be a little different. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. It'll be a little different.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could have believed the attitude.
It'll be political, but not as sweet. Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be less.
It'd be less. Yeah, yeah.
Not more. You're not going to touch her head.
Won't be anywhere near her. Right.
Yeah, yeah. From afar, I'll go.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The next hilarity. It's messed up.
Yeah so yeah keep her away yeah yeah and um anything to promote down you have a website or anything mustache scott.com i don't know okay good you're good uh you uh hulu special out february 21st yep bobby's gonna do Hulu special too Mine's called It's Just Unfortunate

It's Just Unfortunate

And it's out

And then go to christycomedy.com

I got a lot of stand updates

Oh and patreon.com

My history show is back

Yep

And also Jesus

Jesus Christ

Remember to keep him in your heart

And remember that an error is not a mistake

Until you refuse to correct it

Exactly

Thank you for being a bad friend