Bobby's Break Up Tips

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who You are these two idiots.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. Yeah,

Speaker 1 let's complain to the guys in the booth about this.

Speaker 1 Go make a comment.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, or maybe, you know, go up on stage.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 We have work ethic.

Speaker 1 You know, you don't. And stop complaining then.
You know, it's your generation, dude. I mean, we're gritty, dude.
We are, yeah, yeah, we we click-click, right? You know what that is? Click-click.

Speaker 1 What's that? Checking in. My check-in work.
I'm checking in the work

Speaker 1 at the factory. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Do you hear that? Click, click, click, right? And then you go, hello, supervisor, Monroe.

Speaker 1 Hello, there. You know what I mean? Lineman.

Speaker 1 Look at this.

Speaker 1 Why do you have that? That's Andrew's seat. Oh, really?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah. It sucks.
Oh, it sucks. You want a switch? No, no, no.
I want to see. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what Andrew likes. Yeah, anyway, you click, click, click.
Opens up his dog.

Speaker 1 Okay. I know.

Speaker 1 He has backaches. Oh, my God.
He has a spinal dead disc. He's a gay little bit.
He's a gay disc. He has a little gay.
He has gay discs in his back. He's a gay disc.
They're dismantled.

Speaker 1 What a crybaby, huh? He really is. Well, what did he hit his head on the toilet, remember? Yeah.
A crybaby. How do you hit his head on the toilet? He got all woozy, like, ooh, I'm red-headed.

Speaker 1 I get woozy. You know what I mean? He falls over.
With a natural.

Speaker 1 Ooh, this is so good. Wait, what's mine? The Vietnamese one.
What's yours?

Speaker 1 A white man's one. Mine is.

Speaker 1 Oat milk. Because Andrew's not here.
You're going to chop it. I like it.
Chip it. Yeah.
What did they say?

Speaker 1 Sasa-sai, sai.

Speaker 1 I can't do this today, man. I'm so dark.
Oh, my God. It's lightning.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 1 Oh!

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh!

Speaker 1 Oh. Oh!

Speaker 1 Oh!

Speaker 1 Oh!

Speaker 1 Oh!

Speaker 1 Andrew's definitely not here. Andrew's not here.
Oh, my God. So you should be yelling at at that, does he not let you? See, here's what's good about me and you doing the pod.
I'll let you be you.

Speaker 1 I won't keep you in the cage. I know.
Because when I do that, he doesn't like it. He doesn't like it.
He's an oppressor, dude. Yes.
Yeah, dude. I'm going to say this right now, dude.

Speaker 1 I've had enough of him setting the rules.

Speaker 1 It's all about him, dude. We're going to do it this time.
You have to do it this, or you're not doing it. You know what I mean? He gets bad.
You have to do it. And he does it.

Speaker 1 And he does it all while sitting on a seesaw.

Speaker 1 Like this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he's like this. Yeah.
Like a a seahorse. Yeah, he's like a seahorse.
Yeah, seahorse seesaw. It's like a bike without a sea.
Yeah, like

Speaker 1 you don't shut up. All right, you shut up.
I can't believe that's what he does. All right, you beg.

Speaker 1 I love when now every time I see a clip of Andrew when he's like yelling and getting mad and being a tough guy, then

Speaker 1 I love it. Oh, but you're backwards, but you can play golf all day.
Exactly. You know what I mean? What kind of golf are you playing, dude? Scumbag.
Scumbag golf. You don't play golf, do you? No.

Speaker 1 I know I. Why? Because you're a man.
Yes. You're a real man.
I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 1 I either. I've made a decision.
I'm not going to do it. Do what other people do.
I'm not going to do the things that will advance my career. I'm not doing it.

Speaker 1 Get that back. Say it again.

Speaker 1 You're not going to.

Speaker 1 You're not going to play golf. Or what?

Speaker 1 Ball. Ball.
Or what?

Speaker 1 Boll.

Speaker 1 No, what we do. What do we do?

Speaker 1 What do we do? What do we and I do? Kiss on the lips at the network. We also read Kierkegaard.
Yes, we do. Kierkegaard.
Fear and Trembling. No, we do it.
Philosophical books. Hold on.

Speaker 1 We read Kierkegaard. Yeah, we watch Kurosawa films.
Curacao films? Yeah, yeah. We meditate.
We meditate, dude. Meditate.
With our dicks out. Yes, we meditate a lot.
We go for walks. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And take your pants down. Oh, you know what I did yesterday?

Speaker 1 My friend? I was in the green room before you got there, right? There was all guys in there. I just pulled my penis out.
Good. Yeah, and everyone laughed.
Yeah. Yeah, like the old days.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Kierkegaard comedy. They laughed.
Kierkegaard, dude. It's Kierkegaard comedy.
Kierkegaard comedy. It's existential philosophical comedy, dude.
You have to think about it and ponder, dude.

Speaker 1 People don't ponder anymore, the Stefanis,

Speaker 1 they don't ponder anymore, Disto. Let's ponder.
I know, dude. What did you ponder about today? I was able to follow you last night.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm

Speaker 1 pondering, dude. I was scared.
Yeah. You know what I mean? You're a Madison Square Garden comic now.

Speaker 1 Allegedly. Allegedly, dude.
Allegedly. We'll see what happens.
Check your news feed. Yes.
So

Speaker 1 great lineup last night. It really was.
I like doing comedy here.

Speaker 1 You remember?

Speaker 1 Hi. You remember her?

Speaker 1 Ruby, Ruby. Ruby Tuesday.
Rudy, Rudy. Rudy.
Ruby cake. Ruby cake.
Hello. Oh, wow.
She's putting makeup on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's like, wow, yeah. This is an array.
This is a ray. Tiger Belly's going to do shit.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow.
Yeah, yeah. But for bad friends, look at her.
She was coming? I knew she was coming.

Speaker 1 Hello. Yeah.
Hello. Welcome again.
Wait, wait, wait. What's the name? The Stefano.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen him online? Sometimes. Yeah, he pops up.

Speaker 2 I see you the Tubbyware.

Speaker 1 Oh, Tubbaware. Yeah, what's that?

Speaker 1 I mispronounced the word Tubbaware on my old podcast, Hey Babe, but Sal Volcano, and that's the thing that went viral, not the jokes that I've written.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 The things that go viral, you can't plan. And I get, I have to do comedy shows, and people bring Tubbaware and I sign them.
Yeah, I've done accomplished comedians. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Tubbware like that. Yeah.
What was the bet? I don't know. I've never seen that.
I just mispronounced the word Tubbaware because I thought it was T-U-B-B-E-R. Oh,

Speaker 1 that's so funny. Tubb.
But it was TUP. Yeah.
I didn't know that. Yeah.
Yeah. I didn't want to see it.

Speaker 1 But you know what happened was, is the gay community on TikTok, I swear to God, they started coming out to their parents.

Speaker 1 They started doing like all like, you know, like TikTok, you could take the audio. They started coming out to their parents with the Tumbleware video, and that's what made it super viral.
Oh, whoa.

Speaker 1 Like, they would do that. They would come out like, I'm gay, I'm Tumberware.

Speaker 1 I don't get it. I don't know.
Hey, Tumbleware, I'm gay.

Speaker 1 What is it? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's pretty good. But this whole thing, and then it went viral.
There were little buttholes and all the time.

Speaker 1 Your relationship with Salgood? Of course. But you end it, then

Speaker 1 are you done with him? No, well, we just stopped the pod. We were both, he was going back on tour, and Practical Joker started again.
I'm a gambler, so I'm addicted to losing. Right, right.

Speaker 1 I like to lose it, get it back, lose it, get it back, lose it, get it back.

Speaker 1 I cancel the show, I put it back. Now you're back with Jan.

Speaker 1 Back with Jan. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then I'll stop it, put it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He's so happy that you're back. No, Yanis.

Speaker 1 Shout out to History Aeneas because that is. I finally found a place too for me to just be so wild on the Patreon there.
Yeah. Just say what I want, do what I want.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you like to say wild things, huh? I like to say wild things, but I kept getting demonetized. Yeah.
So now I don't. If you were at a zoo, let me ask you a question.

Speaker 1 You're at a zoom, you fall into a pit, okay? Animal pit, right? Okay. You have chimps.
Would you rather fall into chimps? Okay, hyenas, or the third one's a second, it's a good one.

Speaker 1 Joe Rogan zombie. Oh,

Speaker 1 I would say if I wanted to, out of all of them,

Speaker 1 I would say Joe Rogan zombie. There's no way.
No, yes. He would fucking eat your fucking food.
No, no, no,

Speaker 1 and then do push-ups with your body. Because you know what I travel with.
No, no, because I would know how to distract him. You know what I travel with? On it kettlebells.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Kettlebells? Yeah, that's good. Company, the oned kettlebells.
Right, right.

Speaker 1 So I would take one of his on-ed kettlebells as like a gorilla head, and I'd put it in the corner and he'd run the other way. That's a good one.
Because the hyenas will eat you alive.

Speaker 1 That's what they like to do. They like to eat from the feet first.
No, but they'll eat you alive. I'll tell you.
I'll rip your head off. I'll tell you my logic with the hyenas, though.
Tell me.

Speaker 1 You want to hear my logic? You know about hyenas?

Speaker 1 Because you.

Speaker 1 What do you know about them?

Speaker 1 They're

Speaker 1 merger probity?

Speaker 1 Bible? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, he just converted. Do you know that? I just want to say something.
Yeah, yeah, he wants to say

Speaker 1 something. He has a message for you.
During Jechemiah's reign, Nebuznazar, this is N-U-B-U-C-H, Nebuzna,

Speaker 1 king of Babylon, attacked, and Jechomaka became his vassal for three years. Then Jehomiah turned and rebelled against him.

Speaker 1 The Lord loosed against him bands of Chaldines, Armaines, Moabites, and Ammonites. He unleashed them against Judah to destroy him.
According to the Lord's word, spoken to his servants, the prophets,

Speaker 1 this befell Judah, because the Lord had stated that he would put them out of his sight for the sins Manasseh had committed in all that he did, and especially because of the innocent blood.

Speaker 1 Because Manasseh and the Jabba-Mamites, right? cousins. And then you know what happened? Johan.
The rest of the acts. Johan had something to do with it.
The rest of the acts of Jehukim.

Speaker 1 But Jehukim, right, was he was like Judas at that time. Yes.
Right. But then like Job.

Speaker 2 Right. Who's Jemama?

Speaker 1 That's exactly. That's the mystery.
And that's what we're all asking. And theologians, right, right, and religious people are always asking that question.
The wicked have been corrupt since birth.

Speaker 1 Liars from the womb they have gone astray. Their venom is like the venom of a snake, like that of a serpent shopping its ears.
Whoa!

Speaker 1 Let me read you my favorite. I'll read you my favorite.
I am my favorite, too, dude. Oh, you want to go, dude? Here we go.

Speaker 1 Oh, my favorite parable, dude. Pharoah's broken arm.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 the seventh day of the first month in the 11th year. And I was 14 years old then.
Really? By the way, a little side note. Oh.
Okay, and that's when I lost my virginity. At 14? I was molested.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Same thing.

Speaker 1 I have broken the arm of Pharoah, king of the Egypt. Why did he do that?

Speaker 1 Let me finish it. Fuck this.

Speaker 1 God damn it. See.
King of Egypt. See, dude.
It has not been immobilized for healing nor set with a splint to make it strong enough to grasp a sword.

Speaker 1 And when they say sword, they mean dick. Yes.
Back then. You know what I mean? The sword is a symbol of dick.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's a parable, dude. You know what I mean? And you can't grasp yours.
You have to use two fingers, right? We grasp.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we grasp.

Speaker 1 Carlos has a little dick? No, no, no. This is a fucking porridge.
Yeah, yeah, fancy poro. Yeah, but it's Spanish.
It's okay if it's little. And nobody drugs up with three fingers.
Really? He does.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Like a fully erect.
Like a little hand? Yeah. And I don't know how you got your wife pregnant, but that's a mystery.
With style. Are you having a baby?

Speaker 1 You had a baby already? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just jam the gummy in your gummy penis in her vadge? Wow.
So gross. How old is the baby? Two.
Yeah. Two years old.
And okay, nice.

Speaker 1 Jules, would you read Chris Gustefano, our guest, a parable of your choosing, please? Please, thank you. Yeah.
Go ahead. There you go.
Jesus is among us all. Remember that.
Yes. There it is.

Speaker 2 Usurpation of Athaliah. When Athaliah the mother of Ajia,

Speaker 2 saw that her son was dead, she began to kill off the whole royal family of the house of Judah.

Speaker 1 You get very excited about that. That's funny.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But anyway,

Speaker 1 what did you learn from that parable, Jules?

Speaker 2 That it's okay to kill your family.

Speaker 1 No, that's not what the parable was.

Speaker 1 Somebody killed a daughter, right? And then she killed the royal family. Oh, her family?

Speaker 2 It's okay to kill your rival.

Speaker 1 That's great. That's very.

Speaker 1 Is it okay? I think in certain instances, it's okay. So I can kill Ronnie Chang.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I thought you did already.

Speaker 1 So Jimmy Oyang, Ronnie Chang, Dr. Ken, they're on my hip.
Margaret Chong. Yeah.
Who are your rivals that you're going to kill? Who am I going to kill?

Speaker 1 I'm going to kill

Speaker 1 Schultz. No, no, I want to kill Schultz.
I don't kill black people. Okay.

Speaker 1 I would kill.

Speaker 1 I don't really have a rival who's like me. I mean,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Just because maybe I'd kill.

Speaker 1 I think kills a harsh.

Speaker 1 Let's reframe. Kill funny.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay. That's not funny.
You added that part out.

Speaker 1 I don't like it. It's a play on words.
I don't like it. Yeah, you don't like it.
Right, right. So how about this, okay?

Speaker 1 You're in an elevator. Okay.
You see people running to get in. It's closing.
Okay. Sometimes you put your hand in.
Right. Right.
To stop it. Right.
But who would you let it close? Who would I let it?

Speaker 1 Who would you close on? Right, right. In front of their face.
So what I would do, I'll just, and this, and it has nothing to do with how I feel about them. I would just do it for a laugh.

Speaker 1 Who would you do? Fortune Feumster.

Speaker 1 All right. So you're in an elevator now.

Speaker 1 Who would you? Who's running toward?

Speaker 1 Yeah, sprinting towards me. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I would let it close on

Speaker 1 Fahim Amoir.

Speaker 1 Why? Just because I saw him last night.

Speaker 1 And I love it. Yeah, and I, and I, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I would, I would just fucking yell something. Because he would, I'll tell you why.
You would look at his eyes and I would say, never forget.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 Oh, 9-11? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 9-11.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. No, I like it.
Yeah. Yeah, middle-class.
But I like it because I love Fahim. Right, but so here's the thing.

Speaker 1 The reason I would do it to him is he wouldn't be even when he's mad, he's not mad. No, he's too nice.
And he was with a beautiful girl last night. Oh, my holy moly.
Is that his girlfriend, I guess?

Speaker 1 It's a girl that he is seeing. She's beautiful.
Holy moly. Holy.
I hugged her so hard last night.

Speaker 1 I hugged her so hard. And I think he called me at one in the morning.
I swear to God. And I didn't pick up because I think it's about the hug.

Speaker 1 Because you hugged her and then you were bubbling from the other spit bubbles in your mouth. No, we did a head.
Like, here's what we did a side hug. Yeah.
But then her head hit my head. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And we touched heads like this, right? And I think our heads fucked. You fucked her head?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Because I did come.
Yeah, you did. Yeah, yeah, I did come, right? So she went, I went, oh, right.

Speaker 1 And then I saw his, like, you know, you know how Afghans get or whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah.
They get sand crazy.

Speaker 1 They do.

Speaker 1 They really do. You get sand crazy, dude.
Right.

Speaker 1 Right, right, right, right. And then you start thinking of crazy things.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like taking a bag and putting some sort of contraption in it and just putting it on the side of the road, right? They get sand crazy, dude, right? So what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Do you think when he's fucking her, he has to take off his C4?

Speaker 1 Or do you think he...

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, I envisioned him putting a mask, right? Having a pole, right? And then having someone dressed like Luke Skywalker. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Oh, God. You remember that movie? Yeah.
The New Hope? Yeah. I tattooed.
Why are we attaching tonight? He's He's a great guy. My point is.
And he's got a beautiful girl. So

Speaker 1 we hit heads. I came, right? He called at one in the morning, right? And I didn't pick up because I knew that's what it was about.
Right. Like, why'd you fuck my fucking girl's head?

Speaker 1 But maybe it wasn't about that. It couldn't have been.
Shadi Callo? Call him. All right.
Call him. What do you think? Shadi Collo? He's also a very handsome man.
He's a handsome man.

Speaker 1 Wasn't he on SNL? He auditioned or I don't know. He should do it.
But

Speaker 1 not only he should do it.

Speaker 1 He's the best writer on the West Coast. Very, one of the funniest comics ever, too.
Yeah, yeah. So, right, behemoth.
That's a man. What a hand.
Behem at 12-11, he called.

Speaker 1 What do you want to talk about? I don't know. I didn't pick up.
You know, you actually don't pick up a lot. And it's a fun thing.
I never pick up. I love it.

Speaker 1 And I also have something to talk to you about, too, after the cool. All right.

Speaker 1 Carl has been forward. What is the thing that you want to talk to me about?

Speaker 1 There was an episode you guys did two weeks ago, three weeks ago, when the fires were happening, and then you checked in on each person.

Speaker 1 No, wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Please don't.

Speaker 1 You want to do it? Yeah, I do. Because I want to say to people right now,

Speaker 1 I have empathy, great empathy for the people that lost their homes.

Speaker 2 You're letting me stay in your house.

Speaker 1 I'm letting you stay at my house because of the fire. Right.
Because Kalila's house was in Altadina and

Speaker 1 they still can't get there. Right.
So the dogs and Julia, and you can stay at my house forever. Right.
Okay. So Kalila's house was set on fire.

Speaker 1 It got saved, but they can't go into the area. Got it.
Okay. Okay.
Because of the lead. What? Because of looters.
No. Carlos.
What? What? I'm just asking. Nobody's going to go back.

Speaker 1 Okay. I'm asking why you can't go back, dude.
Because of the fucking chemicals and stuff that's in the air, man. Oh, I got to go.

Speaker 1 Chemicals, man. Yeah.
So,

Speaker 1 anyway, so then what happened? So I was, I texted.

Speaker 1 I texted. I listened.
You're in New York. And I'm in New York.
And I hear this episode. Everyone, Andrew and Bobby are going to the people who reached out to them.

Speaker 1 And I reached out to Andrew, and I have proof of that text. And I reached out to Bobby, and I have proof of that text.

Speaker 1 on friday january 10th and i said that you do didn't the day after the fires you said i didn't i said hey babe how are you checking in on fires i love you is what i said to him and then two hours later he sent me back the text that said not great followed by this picture of an asian man burning himself alive

Speaker 1 in a in a protest to vietnam and that's what i was sent and then and then i wrote i love you and then he said love you too bro you know what you just have for you to read another passage one more one more one more.

Speaker 1 God damn, one more. And that's gonna get back on track.
I like reading the New Testament. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, let me say you. Parable 58: cry out full-throated and unsparingly.
Oh, that's enough.

Speaker 1 Lift up your voice. That's enough.
I already know. Lift up your voice like a trumpet blast.
Whoa, I know what trumpet means. Proclaim to my people their transgression to the house of Jacob their sins.

Speaker 1 Ooh,

Speaker 1 like a nation that has done what is just and not abandoned the judgment of their God. They ask of me just judgments.
They desire to draw near God. Why do we fast? But yet you do not see it.

Speaker 1 Why do we fast? Afflict ourselves, but you take no note. See, on your fast, you carry out your own pursuits and drive all your labors.

Speaker 1 See, you fast only to quarrel and fight and to strike with a wicked fist. Do not fast as you do today to make your voice heard on high.
Is this the manner of fasting I would choose?

Speaker 1 What is that? Fast? They don't eat. Oh, it's Ozek.

Speaker 1 That's the thing. They use the intermittent fasting that I use called.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Was there a Karen Carpenter back in the day?

Speaker 1 What is a Karen Carpenter who's a Karen Carpenter huh who's Karen Carpenter you don't know Karen Carpenter I know Sabrina Carpenter I went to her concert am I saying Karen Carpenter wrong no you're saying it correct yeah yeah how do you not know who Karen Carpenter look because I only know I only know Sabrina Carpenter

Speaker 1 oh yeah I went to her concert out of the carpenters yeah

Speaker 1 I went to a concert with my family and my family left and I there was a band called the Carpenters

Speaker 1 and she was a drummer and a singer. And Jesus' father was a carpenter.
Yeah, and she died from bulimia. From bulimia?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I was trying to make a little, try to riff on something, and you didn't know. So now it's kind of just, it was a dead end.
I'm sorry. Hold on.
You hear me?

Speaker 2 You like Sabrina Carpenter?

Speaker 1 I love Sabrina Carpenter. Oh, here we go.

Speaker 1 Kim.

Speaker 1 Friends. Friends.
Kim and that me, Semina.

Speaker 1 But he, Senator Nano, that's that me.

Speaker 1 Espresso.

Speaker 1 I think, and I'll say it all fair, I think we have a friend who I think did a little with her.

Speaker 1 No, really? I know a guy who

Speaker 1 know a lot of guys. Here's a little secret, everyone listening, okay? Tell us.
We've had people on this show, right?

Speaker 1 Unknown comics almost, right? People that are like, really? Right?

Speaker 1 That have hooked up with super famous celebrities

Speaker 1 that we can never, we can never announce here. Jeff Die, Jeff Die.
Like crazy things. Like, I know.
Jeffrey, Jeff Die.

Speaker 1 It's close.

Speaker 1 But like crazy things like that. But if I said it now, it would cause so much ruckus and chaos.
Yeah. And

Speaker 1 I've never hooked up with an A-list celebrity actress.

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Speaker 1 Have you ever seen hermaphrodite up close?

Speaker 1 You know, I don't want to Google it because I don't think we can show it, but can you describe it to me? Okay, so when I

Speaker 1 hermaphrodite is this, let me try to

Speaker 1 get the definition. Do it, do it, do it.
Is a hermaphrodite somebody somebody that was born with both genitals? With both genitals. Are they combined? They can be.

Speaker 1 There's a whole array of hermaphrodites. Now, which kind would you want to be? So I'd want to be...

Speaker 1 I want to be combined.

Speaker 1 Combined? I want to be combined. I want to be mostly pussy.
With a little dick on it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I want to be pussy, and the clip, you be my dick.

Speaker 1 You know what I want to be? Yeah, so I want to. Two on one, one.

Speaker 1 I want to have a full pussy and just balls. No penis.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Really?

Speaker 1 Or I want to have the penis, right? And have the fucking hole of the penis be a pussy. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Great. So only like, you know, like little rodents and things I can fuck it.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you're saying like you have a full penis, but just the end is a pussy. Yeah, it's shaped like a push.
It's not like the hole that we have, right?

Speaker 1 It has the actual like labia and the clit, but it's miniature. Well, what if you have a penis and both? Oh, fraggles, like a fragile from a fragile rock.
I'm like,

Speaker 1 what if you have a full, what if you have a full penis, but then both balls are just two pussies?

Speaker 1 Like, bro, that's cool. Like, you have a

Speaker 1 But are the balls big? Yeah. Okay, because I want regular size badges on the balls.
Right, right, right. And then, right, what you could do is if Brittany and

Speaker 1 Abby and Brittany, the twins, were lesbians. Yes.
That's it. Two for one.
So two for two. When I was a physical therapist.
Two for two. Yeah, yeah.
I was a physical therapist. Like

Speaker 1 15. Well, I'm bringing it up because I was a physical therapist and there was a hermaphrodite who was a patient of ours, but my boss didn't tell me.

Speaker 1 It was also my second week on the job. Wow.
So he knew, you know, we were working in the hospital or whatever. And this person who was hermaphrodite came in.
They needed a total knee replacement.

Speaker 1 So I just thought it was a regular patient. It was just like a regular guy, you know, whatever.
And he had total knee replacement.

Speaker 1 So my boss was like, you know, I want you to do a, I want you to do a pelvic exam as well. A pelvic example.
It's a true story. It's a true story.
Oh, my God. And I said, what do you mean?

Speaker 1 And they're like standing. in the back like this, like laugh, you know, like holding in laughter, because even the guy was in on it, the actual patient.

Speaker 1 And I said, I said, oh, pelvic exam, but he has total knee replacement. What did he look like this guy? He looked like a normal guy.
Like Adrian Brody? Yeah. Okay, good.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I want him to look like Adrian Brody for some reason. He looked like if you combined Carlos and Fancy.

Speaker 1 Not Adrian Brody.

Speaker 1 The opposite. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He looked like if you had, if it had Carlos' penis and Fancy's pussy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, so, so we go, so we go. I said, pelvic exam.
Okay. And so I go, you know, doing like my little pelvic exam above the robe.
And then my boss says, no, you need to disrobe. He's given permission.

Speaker 1 And I said, oh, okay, sir. And is it a goo? Is it a trick? No, no, it is real.
No. I love it, go.

Speaker 1 So I go, so I get them in the proper position for a pelvic exam, lay them down, and it's like a, you know, very

Speaker 1 medical procedure or whatever. Yeah.
And I'm going to do it. And I pull down.
And I go, oh, my God. Because you pull down and you see a penis.
You see the penis. I see the top of the penis.

Speaker 1 And then right off to the side, sky foot, just a huge pussy coming off his thigh. There's no way.
I swear to God. You swear to God? A huge pussy.
It doesn't work. Why don't you go, oh my God, babe?

Speaker 1 Because you don't expect to see a pussy on the inside of a guy's thumb. You know what it's like? You know what it's like in the movie Temple of Doom? Yes.
Right?

Speaker 1 When Kate Capshaw, right, is getting that soup. Yes.
And she's really hungry. Yeah.
She's about to eat it. Yeah.
And then the eyeball flips the service.

Speaker 1 That's what I quit it.

Speaker 1 Holy smoke, Dr. Jones.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Show around.

Speaker 1 So I saw it, and then these guys are fucking dying laughing.

Speaker 1 Were you laughing? Yeah, well, then I started to laugh. But I was like, what? You couldn't do that today.
Imagine today trying to do that as like a goof where you just prank a hermaphrodite.

Speaker 1 That's a new show on True TV. So if I honestly, be honest with me with your heart.

Speaker 1 With your heart. Literally hand.

Speaker 1 Hand on the

Speaker 1 right. Honestly, dude, if I was a hermaphrodite, okay,

Speaker 1 and I showed you my Vadge. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And it was like,

Speaker 1 I'm talking about like, you know, you know, like

Speaker 1 Kate Ma. You know, like, I'm talking about like, you know what I mean? Just the the perfect.
Perfect, but yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Rebel Wilson. Rebel Wilson.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.
I do.

Speaker 1 Is that she's in cats, right? She's hot. Yes.
That lady in cats. Yes.
I like her.

Speaker 1 Her vag. Like beefy.
Rebel. Like that.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 but beefy. Yeah.
She looks like a nice, tight beef. That's what I was thinking because she looks like Shafi.
She has the kind of vagina.

Speaker 1 We shouldn't talk like that about women. Yeah, maybe we shouldn't.
We respect all women and Jules, we apologize, right? But let's say it's a very good one. Yes.

Speaker 1 And I looked at you and I went, you wanna?

Speaker 1 You would? Be honest. So you're saying you have a working vagina as a hermaphrodite.
Yeah. You're you, you're fully you just with a vagina.
Well, I could like half my face. Yeah.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Put makeup. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I would do it. I would do it because you know why? You're hairless.
That's what I like. If you were a more hairy guy, I would say no.
But I'd like to, I would fuck you.

Speaker 1 I would fuck you because you have no hair. That's what I like about you.
You're very, very, very hairless. I wish I can say the same for you.
I don't have hair. No,

Speaker 1 I wouldn't do it with you i have hair on my legs but you're too manly you have all the chin you have the fucking you know i mean you look just too manly to me do you think i'm handsome you look like a greek god because of your nose

Speaker 1 and what the is andrew santino handsome am i more handsome than andrew santino

Speaker 1 yes yes

Speaker 1 dude it's not even a

Speaker 1 dude that's not even a debate you know what i mean so then i should get the show like he yeah he's like um oh yeah look andrew's handsome at the top of the red

Speaker 1 spectrum. Right.
Right. Right.
But if you take a handsome for a guy who's like, just a white spectrum, it's like special needs. Right, right.
Right, right. But red, he is top of the line.

Speaker 1 Top of the line. Yeah.
The top red hand. And for little mythological Asian dudes, I feel like I'm top of the line.
You really are. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You realize there's you. Yeah.
It's Jackie.

Speaker 1 I would say Frodo Baggins. You, Jackie, and Frodo Baggins.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The panda in the Central Park Zoo.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I think amongst them in a lineup, your god would be, like, you know, that thing where they put top pop the balloons? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't think the pandas would pop my balloon. No.

Speaker 1 Their balloons? No, you're very handsome, and you're also very confident. My Jasmine, my girl,

Speaker 1 very cute. She loves you.
She's loving you. It was kind of juicing her up that night at the Hulu party.
She loves you. Yeah.
I think juicing was the right thing. You know what?

Speaker 1 That's the wrong word to you. This is the pattern with you because you tried to fuck Jasmine's head, too.

Speaker 1 I did a head thing. You did a headache.
I did a headache. That's what he does.
That's his territory. Yeah, thank you.
That's how he marks his territory. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I kissed her on the head good night and it smelled like kimchi.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're good, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah. She's, you know, what, here's what, can I be honest with you? That's what I'm looking for.
She's beautiful, right? That's what I'm looking for. Yeah.
Someone that can, here's

Speaker 1 FY for people out there, okay?

Speaker 1 That want to. For women who want to maybe date you.

Speaker 1 Maybe I want to be my life partner. Yeah.
Okay. Respect that.

Speaker 1 It's one thing to be

Speaker 1 beautiful,

Speaker 1 cultured.

Speaker 1 She has beautiful. I i don't know but um just my daughter you know i mean it's like you know like looking at my dogs or whatever it's like

Speaker 1 there it is but um i love you you know i love all my animals but my point is is this um

Speaker 1 sorry that's so rude i apologize i love you

Speaker 1 but what i'm saying is is that um you know i'm beauty right and culture right but they need to adapt to every social situation right

Speaker 1 I feel like your wife can adapt to social situations. Am I correct or not about that? You're correct about her.

Speaker 1 And what I love about her, after being with her for 10 years, what I love about her is she is very loyal and she knows bullshit right away.

Speaker 1 And she knows what people to say, hey, no more with this guy. There's something I don't like about him.
And she's right. She's right because she grew up in the hood.
What if she said that about me?

Speaker 1 No, but she knew. I know, but what if she did? Then you would fuck, start fucking with me.
Yeah, then I would start fucking with you. Okay.
That's what I would do. Okay.

Speaker 1 I would bring back the Asian hate.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Yeah.
From three years ago.

Speaker 1 Now I listen because you know we're engaged now. You know that.
Oh, bravo. Congratulations.
Will you have a wedding? Yes, we're going to have a wedding. Can I go? Yes, 100%.

Speaker 1 We got engaged on January 6th. I swear to God.
You did? I swear to God. Well, that's a great day.
A great holiday.

Speaker 1 We got engaged on January 6th, and then we were going to get married on 9-11, but I'm doing the show. Okay.
But we might just get married at the show. Okay.
And

Speaker 1 so we got engaged because I said, you know what? How long am I going to keep not committing? How long am I going going to keep doing this? We have children with us. We have children.

Speaker 1 And my daughter, you know what, the first thing my daughter said when we got engaged, she said, finally, daddy, we're going to be a real family. Oh,

Speaker 1 did you cry? Cried. 100% cried.

Speaker 1 I don't see you crying. I had to cry in that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I cry.

Speaker 1 That was something that brought tears. The only times I've cried in the last year, I swear to God, is that moment and when I re-watch Little Giants from 1994?

Speaker 1 That gets me. Yeah.
You ever seen Little Giants? No. The annexation of Puerto Rico.

Speaker 1 That's what I call my family. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you really cry during that moment? I swear to God, I really did. Yeah, yeah.
I really, really cried.

Speaker 1 But I cried when my daughter said that, and it made me feel really bad about some of the decisions I've made over the course of my last 10 years of like, why didn't I just commit to do this with her earlier?

Speaker 1 What was I afraid of? Because what I've done is I've committed to two people, Jasmine and this guy right here.

Speaker 2 Have you tried eating the body of Christ already?

Speaker 1 Yes. Oh, he's eaten so many bodies? 100%.

Speaker 1 You know why I do it? Because I follow a strict keto diet.

Speaker 1 He's high protein. I ate his body, but yeah, I eat the body of Christ, the blood of Christ.
I drink the blood.

Speaker 1 What is the body? Is it bread? I've never been to one of those things. It's the Holy Eucharist.
It's a wafer that's been blessed by the priest, and it is the body of Christ.

Speaker 1 It's a little wafer, and it's only about five calories, according to my fitness pal. So it will not break a fast.

Speaker 1 And then I have my, and then you drink the blood of Christ, which is wine, which is just Sutterholm wine from the liquor store. Yeah, it's so interesting.

Speaker 1 Wow, wow. It's interesting that I've never been to a church like that.
I want you to come to church. Will you come to our wedding at the church?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, I'll go to the wedding, but I've never, I know, I've been to weddings in a church, but I've never been to like a Catholic church where they have the whole

Speaker 1 bread and stuff. I'm going to call Jazz and see if you can come.
Okay.

Speaker 1 See? Okay. Yeah, I don't think so.
Hold on. Yeah, I don't think so.
Hold on. Let me see.
I think that was bullshit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Hold on, let's see.

Speaker 1 I think she literally looks at my call. She knows that like when I'm on the road, I'm very lonely and I need her.
And she looks at the call and hangs up. Yeah, really?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I think, you know what it is? Because she's an old school woman. She thinks it's weak if I say I'm lonely and I'm depressed.

Speaker 1 Why don't you snap the fuck out of it and try to sell out your shows? Yeah. Because we need that money and I need a new tip.

Speaker 1 Why haven't you, are you, is the acting thing not a thing you're going to do? I've, you're a very hand. I mean,

Speaker 1 let's get down to the business at hand. Let's get down to the business at hand and look at this guy.
He's

Speaker 1 he's going to sell out Madison Square Garden. Let's be honest.
Allegedly. No, you're going to.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Keep watching you. In September, you know, and I'm going to do the show.
I'm going to do the show. There'll be an announcement coming soon.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You're

Speaker 1 now a talk show guy. I mean, you're on the talk show circuit.
Yeah, you just did Kimmel, no? Well, he did Kimmel, and then I got, Edward Norton was on on YouTube. He got 500,000 views.

Speaker 1 Anthony Mackey on the week before, he got 250,000 views. I was on 18,000 views.

Speaker 1 That's pretty good, though,

Speaker 1 comparatively speaking. Yep.
Yeah, yeah. Go on, keep going.
All right. And so, and can you act is the question? Yes, I can.

Speaker 1 I work at it. Yeah, yeah.
I've went on, I've kept track. I've went on

Speaker 1 103 auditions in 2016. And I've gotten one.
Can we chat GBT a script before me?

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And so I think we should do a three-way, you know what I mean, a scene between us three.

Speaker 1 I'd like to test your, you know what I mean, your chops. I'm putting my product out there, Bobby, on a daily basis, and the people are saying no.

Speaker 1 That's what's happened. Okay, can I say this too?

Speaker 1 And And I want to say this. I'm thankful and fortunate for you.
I do have, but I think people are saying no. Hey, guy.
Relatively confused. Guy, guy.
Guy. Guy.
Let me tell you something, guys.

Speaker 1 There's a disconnect

Speaker 1 between

Speaker 1 this

Speaker 1 and that,

Speaker 1 between what we do in our ecosystem and Hollywood.

Speaker 1 Do you understand what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 There still isn't, you know what I mean, a complete direct line is what I'm saying. They think that what we, they don't understand what we do.
And And we don't quite understand what they do.

Speaker 1 But we want to do what they do. And they want to do what we do.
Why don't we do it together? You know what I mean? But they won't let it. You know what I mean? That's why.
But you're in. That's why.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not. You get all more.
I've done some stuff. I'm not fully in, though.
You're like in, but you're there because you do their laundry.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Oh, you did it more Asian analogy.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah.
Old West. Yes.
It's the Old West.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know what it is. Yeah.
Let's say you're a cowboy. Yes.
Right. And I'm a Chinese laundromat guy in Deadwood.
Right. You come in, you, hey, man.

Speaker 1 Hey, Chang, you know what I mean? Wash these trousers.

Speaker 1 Okay, Mr.

Speaker 1 Okay, Mr. John.
Right?

Speaker 1 And you go, deliver to my house, right? Okay, Mr. John.
Right? Right. And I get through the laundry and I go in and you invite me in for a second.
Right. Come on in here, Chang.
And I go in.

Speaker 1 That's the only time you're allowed in that house. Right.
Is that a good analogy? That's a good analogy. And then you come in.

Speaker 1 And then we tie up your feet because we're like, oh, yeah,

Speaker 1 what else?

Speaker 1 What else happens? You

Speaker 1 You tie up the Asian feet. Down the stairs in the basement? Yeah, yeah.
And I go, what's going on here, Mr. Jones? I wash your trouser.

Speaker 1 It's on the house. Please don't do this to me.

Speaker 1 What do you say? Then I tie on. I said, I'm going to tie up your feet.
Yeah. Why are you doing this to me? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Mr. Jones, Mr.
Jones, why are you doing this to me, Mr. Jones? Put a little soy sauce on your feet.
Why? I'm not tumbling.

Speaker 1 I'm not tumbling, Mr. Jones.
You don't believe in Jesus? I don't. I'm Buddhist.

Speaker 1 I'm Buddhist, Mr. Jones.
I'm going to eat your face.

Speaker 1 Yo, I see. I see.
Yeah. Yeah.
And then the next time you go to the fucking players, I'm just like wobbling around.

Speaker 1 And you're going to still go, wash my trousers. Yes.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 That guy. And I have like, I have no, I'm walking on nubs.
Oh, my God. Here's the scene.
It's just the laundry run. A small, dusty laundry shop in a typical old west town.

Speaker 1 Clothes are hanging on a line outside. Oh, oh.

Speaker 1 and there's the faint sound of a creak in the background. Inside, the smell of soap and steam from boiling water fills the air.

Speaker 1 The three men, Jed, Billy, and Cole, stand by a counter, leaning on it with various laundry items in hand. All right, so what am I playing? So you'll be uh just throw it out.

Speaker 1 Yo, I guess you're he's Jed. I'll be Jed.
You're Jed, and I'm Billy. You're Billy? Yeah, and you're Cole.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 2 oh man, we have to do an accent?

Speaker 1 No, it's whatever. Your choice, dude.
You're the actor.

Speaker 1 Man, I've never thought I'd be standing in a place like this.

Speaker 1 He went out again. For my laundry to get done.
Ain't no cowboy got time for laundry.

Speaker 1 You ain't wrong, Jed.

Speaker 1 But I reckon it's better than wearing these stinkers another day.

Speaker 1 I ain't been washed clean in a month. My old lady would have had a fit if she saw me like this.

Speaker 2 You boys are lucky.

Speaker 2 I don't have anyone to complain about me looking like a tumbled.

Speaker 2 My boots smell worse than a rattler's dance.

Speaker 2 I ain't bothering with no laundry.

Speaker 1 Ah, you got a good point, Cole. Ain't much stew when you run alone all the time.
I reckon you can smell as bad as you please out there in the wild.

Speaker 1 But come into town and folks start looking at you like y'all been rolling in cow dung.

Speaker 1 I reckon it's the dust.

Speaker 1 It gets in your pores. Makes you smell like you've been sleeping in the middle of a sandstorm like Fahim.

Speaker 1 I mean, I can't even tell if my shirt's dirtier from sweat or from just sitting in the sun all day.

Speaker 1 You okay, Cole?

Speaker 1 Ecofin Cole? I say, it's a little bit.

Speaker 2 You boys ain't much different.

Speaker 2 But this laundry place, hell, it's like little slides of civilization.

Speaker 2 Clean sheets, hot water, and the smell of lavender.

Speaker 1 You sound like a lady, Cole. Lavender.

Speaker 1 What happened to riding hard and living free?

Speaker 2 Living free don't mean you gotta stay like a horse backside.

Speaker 2 But I do like me some clean socks and underwear. Ain't too proud to admit it.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 we might ought to be careful what we say.

Speaker 1 The way this laundry lady looks at us,

Speaker 1 I wouldn't put it past her to be listening in in our conversation. You seen her eyes? They got like that look, like she knows everything, even things you ain't said out loud.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I swear, every time

Speaker 1 I come in here, it feels like she's gonna read my soul. I ain't sure how she managed the full laundry so perfectly.

Speaker 1 Like she's working magic.

Speaker 2 That ain't magic. That's skill.

Speaker 2 You don't survive out here without knowing how to take care of business.

Speaker 2 Maybe she's been in these fars longer than we seem.

Speaker 1 See? That's what I like about the West. Everyone's got a story they ain't telling, but they all know how to make things work i feel like we're

Speaker 1 that's the truth

Speaker 1 well fellas i reckon it's time to get our shirts back before she starts making us fold them ourselves

Speaker 1 don't wait

Speaker 1 don't want no part of the kind of work

Speaker 1 let's get in before she puts a spell on us boys we may be crazy all right let's go yeah we got this from the theovon and and uh in the spade movie that's it that's it that's who it's from.

Speaker 1 That's a funny callback. I like that.

Speaker 1 Very good commitment. Very great.
You grasped onto the southern accent. That was really good.
I followed you. You followed it.
Yeah. And guy, Chris, you can act.
God damn it. Thank you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And one day.

Speaker 1 This shirt's designed to be inside out, by the way. I never questioned it.
No, because I just want, I know the fans might start talking shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's designed this way.
Yeah. So just FYI.
And, you know, what I appreciated about it is that you haven't done one Asian accent since you've been on the the show. No.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Because why, what, why? Because I feel. When you do it,

Speaker 1 you get some heat online. I got some heat online.
And like I said before, I said this a couple of episodes. I came on here and I apologized because I got yelled at for some Asian accents I was doing.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I made a genuine, deep-hearted apology. Yeah.
I ended it with, I'm a Zodi.

Speaker 1 I know. And then people got mad at me.
At that, too. And people got mad at me.
And they're going to be mad at that, you think? They're going to be mad at that.

Speaker 1 And then, so I just, I just want to say, look into the the camera this time and mean i really am actually sorry for saying that yeah but here you know and i'm i'm i'm sorry and it hurts me but we're you know you know i make fun of you

Speaker 1 i have rubber yeah i know i know it's a tension i know when white people when you have this

Speaker 1 yeah you gotta stretch it out farther because it relieves the brain

Speaker 1 i gotta get with the temple you know what helps yeah yeah sometimes when i have a my my therapist said to do this, the attention ache, you pull it back, and you go, it goes.

Speaker 1 That releases the pressure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. That's, yeah, I do that too.
I'm at home.

Speaker 1 It feels so good. Your headache goes away.
White people, I'm telling you, no matter where you are, you know.

Speaker 1 Sometimes when you're a Taekwondo class or wherever you might be,

Speaker 1 your local Chinese restaurant, if you have a headache, right there,

Speaker 1 oh, oh, oh, yeah, that guy has a headache. That's not Mickey Rooney.
Yeah, that guy with a headache.

Speaker 1 Last week, my daughter was asking me for help with her math home, Mark, and I said, honey, I don't know the answer. And I went like this.

Speaker 1 Just to really restaurant.

Speaker 1 And then the answer just came to me.

Speaker 1 And then I just said,

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Now, let me ask you, you're Asian, right, Jules?

Speaker 1 Well, you see white people behave like that. How do you feel?

Speaker 2 Well, if I don't know them, then it's that's the thing.

Speaker 1 There we go. That's what we're talking about here.

Speaker 1 It's about we know each other. I make fun of white people's penises.
I make fun of their dumbness. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Some of their cultural misgivings.

Speaker 1 And I think if I know somebody, I feel like anything's at play here.

Speaker 1 I've made a decision in my life, and this has freed me from a lot of stuff online: is I don't care about anyone's opinion, good or bad, unless I personally know you or I've met you.

Speaker 1 Like if you told me, Chris, Chris, what you said hurt me, I would genuinely apologize to you.

Speaker 1 But a random fan online, if they tell me I'm doing great or doing bad, I don't let it affect me either way.

Speaker 1 Only people that I personally know and I've met in the physical space because my brains are not equipped.

Speaker 1 I can't process praise or hate from Nebraska. I can't process it.
Well, we have a friend in mute. I don't want to say his name, but we have a friend that was working through that.

Speaker 1 He called me a couple of months ago, paranoid about a bunch of stuff online he was reading.

Speaker 1 reading he was super depressed right and i told this person i said don't read it yeah you just don't read it yeah i don't read anything no yeah no people go oh we read it this and i don't even know i've never been on it i don't know i don't know what you're talking about and that's how you have to live because if i did read it i think it would affect me and you know what and you know what our friend our mutual friend who

Speaker 1 when we talked to him about it i would have said say his name and then put it at patreon.com slash bad friends

Speaker 1 No, we said, he said, and this is very accurate of him. He said, you know, all that looking online for the comments, all that comparison stuff, it's a form of self-hate.
You hate yourself, and so

Speaker 1 you're looking for it to be justified by the comments. You want to say, oh, Chris sucks.
You're looking for it because you think you suck.

Speaker 1 But if you're positive, you come from a positive place, you don't go looking for it.

Speaker 1 So I think you, at times, Bobby, you know, I need therapy, you need this, you need that, but you're much more positive place than you think. No, no, I think I am.
I think that. I think I am.

Speaker 1 I've been doing doing things that, let's be serious for a second. I were doing a lot of like, you know, this and a lot of crazy sand stuff.
You know what I mean? All that stuff.

Speaker 1 But what I want to say is, is that

Speaker 1 there's another thing that I do is

Speaker 1 I was at the Chicago Improv and I was at the Schomburg Improv. I was in the green room and the waitress came.
You know, every green room, the club waitress is,

Speaker 1 you know, they take care of you. That's the head waitress.
The head waitress. She's like, I'm going to be your waitress all weekend, whenever you need.
Just let me know. What's the tips?

Speaker 1 And so she, she goes, this is so-and-so, and she's interning.

Speaker 1 And she seemed shy, but also she kind of looked at me weird. She was like, She kind of looked at me like this.
And when they left, I turned to the comics in the room.

Speaker 1 I go, Oh, yeah, she doesn't like me.

Speaker 1 And they go, What?

Speaker 1 I go, I can tell.

Speaker 1 And then it's because, but do you think it's because, were you making it up, or do you think it's because you pulled your dick out? No, I didn't. No, that wasn't when I did that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would never do that.

Speaker 1 All I would never do that. I would respect her too much.

Speaker 1 And that wouldn't be good. And by the way, I just want to make it clear, even if it looks like I did on camera before, I didn't pull out any of my penis.

Speaker 1 I know you did. It was my thigh.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 It was your thigh. I know, exactly.
All right. So let's get that out in the clear.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But then two days later, she came up to me and she goes, hey, I just want to let you know, I'm just like, I have a bad friend's t-shirt. I'm a huge fan.
Oh.

Speaker 1 So in my mind, I was like, oh, I make assumptions about people that aren't true.

Speaker 1 And it's because

Speaker 1 growing up, I don't have to read my parents because my parents were snapperheads.

Speaker 1 Is that like a slur?

Speaker 1 Damn snapper heads.

Speaker 1 No, for Koreans from San Diego. No, no, no.
They were

Speaker 1 physically violent. Towards you.
Yeah, yeah. And they would just, you know, and so every day was reading the situation and to protect myself.
Right. Right.
To like for danger.

Speaker 1 And I do that out in the wild. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And I'm tired of doing doing it because it's like it's usually not true you know i mean and i feel comfortable with when they don't like me and when people like me i feel uncomfortable which i want to change that narrative as well but here's the good thing to know is that most people don't care at all most they don't care that's the thing they don't think about you know what it is with zoom you know what it is you make an ass out of you and me you know that i know that's what it is that's a really good i like those little yeah yeah

Speaker 1 i like those little just one more here's another one a little another one tidbit here's another parable and this one's for you don't their wives are foolish, and their children wicked.

Speaker 1 Accurse their brood. But the children of adulterers,

Speaker 1 how come you never sit down? Come sit down. Come sit down.
Will remain an issue. You never come.
The congeny of an unlawful bed will disappear.

Speaker 1 For should they attain long life, they will be held in no esteem. Should they die abruptly, they will have no hope or comfort in the daily of scrutiny.
For dire is the end of the wicked generation.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's what it is.
Don, did you listen? That was for you.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
That was really good. What are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, that was a little advice I I was telling you yesterday.
You know what I'm saying? Tell him. No.

Speaker 1 I just don't tell him. No.
Then why'd you just do that?

Speaker 1 Because I was practicing. Oh, yeah, yeah, we're practicing.
That was very good, though. You're a very good learner.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Chris. Yes.

Speaker 1 I'll just tell you. Tell him.
I can tell him. Tell him.
But yeah, it has no way to do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I was just saying, yeah, yeah.
So what I'm saying is that, you know,

Speaker 1 when you're in a relationship, right? And I was telling a bunch of comics that's in the room, right?

Speaker 1 And you want to get out of the relationship. I can never end it.
Right. All right.

Speaker 1 Because what you do is you have to find a window to get out. Right.
Right. So you can force a window to open

Speaker 1 by doing some of my techniques. You can force a window to be open.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 The problem is for me with that, where I have, I don't have, my house isn't the best right now, and I have air conditioners in the window.

Speaker 1 It's just an analogy. You're going to open the window.

Speaker 1 It's an analogy. I don't have central lamps.
It's an analogy. Okay, but I have

Speaker 1 something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't want to do that. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah, it was just an analogy.
Or door to open.

Speaker 1 Whatever. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. An opportunity.
An opportunity. Okay.
And that's what you have to get out. Right.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So, what it is, what you do the little techniques, and one of the techniques I was telling people was

Speaker 1 you want her to break up with you. Subtle things.
The coward way. That's a coward's way.
The coward way. So you do subtle things.

Speaker 1 And one of my techniques is you forget their name for a split second every time and you use a snap. Right? So you go, hey, Kathy.

Speaker 1 Right? Yeah. Hey, what are we going to eat tonight, Kathy? Right.
You do that

Speaker 1 30 times.

Speaker 1 He seeps into their subconscious, and they don't know what's bothering them. They don't know what that's bothering them, right? Yeah.
And

Speaker 1 that's where the windows will open. Another one.
I have several of them. Smart.
What? Very smart, right? That's actually very smart. Tell them another one.
Another one. Which one?

Speaker 1 I think I've told people this one before on this podcast before. Let's hear it, though.
I haven't heard it. Okay, you haven't heard it.
Right.

Speaker 1 Remember this, Pro.

Speaker 1 Sometimes you can say things that you've said in a podcast before previously, because guess what?

Speaker 1 As Marcus Aurelius said, you never step in the same river twice because the river is always flowing, it's always new water. So when you step in, it's a different light, a different experience.

Speaker 1 So you can't say the same thing.

Speaker 1 Yes. This is a different thing.
You never step in the same river twice. Oh, the.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. So all you have to do this is five times.

Speaker 1 Okay. So those snapping 30 times, this five times.
Okay.

Speaker 1 When you orgasm,

Speaker 1 you don't make a noise.

Speaker 1 you look directly into their eyes. They have to be looking at you, right?

Speaker 1 And you orgasm with your face. It's hard for me to, I'm never looking in when I come to you.
I know, but this is what you need to do. I'm always facing this way.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 In order for you to do this exercise, you have to be doing missionary. So I have to have a mirror.
This is what you do, right? You look in their eyes and you go,

Speaker 1 you go like this, you go

Speaker 1 like that, right?

Speaker 1 If you do that five times subconsciously, right, they will break up with you. Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's terrifying. Terrifying.
Third thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, third thing, right? That's third thing. This is a basic one.
No, this is good. You gave them the same present twice.

Speaker 1 That's huge. It's a good one.
That's a good one. Right.
Because they usually go, they always say, I don't, it's just the thought that counts. You know what I mean? Like, I don't care, right? Right.

Speaker 1 Here's two oven mitts, bitch.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, a right-handed, a left one for Christmas.
One for Christmas, the other Christmas. That's smart.
Right? Very smart. Those little tints, dude.
That's it.

Speaker 1 The window will open, my friend. You know what? That's funny.
Yeah. I say that because I had a friend.
He was dating a girl for five years. Yes.
They were going to get engaged.

Speaker 1 And then on her birthday one year, he gave her a card with a $100 bill in it. That's a gift.
Great. And she broke up with him.
That's great. That's brilliant.
Right.

Speaker 1 Broke up with him because she wanted an engagement. He gave her $100 cash.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I did this once, and she didn't break up with me. Sarah Highland.
She could even defend. She could even back.
The actress, Sarah Highland? No, there's a different Sarah Highland.

Speaker 1 That'd be awesome. The comedian Sarah Highland, right? So Sarah,

Speaker 1 we were dating for a couple years. The first year, she gave me a vintage painting from a store, like a vintage.
She likes going shopping at like

Speaker 1 antique stores and vintage, you know.

Speaker 1 And then I gave it to her

Speaker 1 next year. You re-gifted it.
I re-gifted it to her. Smart.
Forgetting that she gave it to me. Right.
And it was super embarrassing, but she still didn't break up with me.

Speaker 1 Right, because she really loved you. Yeah, she really did love me.
What about getting back with her? What about you? She's married now

Speaker 1 to my friend Jen. Oh, she's a lesbo.
She's bisexual, and she's a very funny comic, and I love her, and she's family to me.

Speaker 1 I think if you're going to be a bisexual woman, you're a very good guy.

Speaker 1 Well, it was. Because you're neutral.
You know what I mean? I've had a couple of situations where lesbians have gone dated me for a couple of years. Yes.
And everyone around them had been women.

Speaker 1 So I've never really questioned that about myself. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 What do you think of that? Because it is, because you're very interested. Don, what do you think of that? Well, you got

Speaker 1 soft skin, and I think that it's like a it's smooth, so it's an easy transition.

Speaker 1 I can look at you from across the room and go,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I've seen you look at me like that from across the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see it.
Yeah. I go,

Speaker 1 yeah, interesting. His skin is, it's made of seaweed.
Let's come up with another, let's come up with another one of these window opportunities together so we can

Speaker 1 say so I can write a book. What you've done is, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you have really really good ones so far yeah yeah the the the best one was the um um snapping snapping forgetting the name yeah yeah yeah it's got to be a split second though everyone really knows it if you live too much of a thing it then it's noticeable right and that's why I think the snapping is very important you know what's another good one too yeah

Speaker 1 let me write it down

Speaker 1 you could every time she comes home from work and it's happy to see you you're just laid out on the couch drinking a beer yeah like you're depressed like and then and then and then when your friends come over right you jump up you can't wait to go out with them you kind of subconsciously tell her right i'm having fun with my friends and when I'm with you, I'm miserable.

Speaker 1 Right. And she starts to say, Do I make it miserable? Yeah.
That's what you do. You can, you can tell her you're going to call her.
Like, I'm going to call you in 30 minutes. Then you jump up.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 two hours. Never call her.
Yeah, never call her.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, but those are immediate.
You can tell her you're going to pick her up from the airport and never show up. Wow.

Speaker 1 This is a room full of comforts. I guess you're going to be able to do it.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you why those don't work. Because my things are subtle, right? Subtle.
These will cause arguments right then and there. Subtle.
I don't want that either.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I don't want to, like, hey, I texted you. You didn't text me.
You know what I mean? I want them not to know what's going on.

Speaker 1 Almost like, there's something weird, but I don't know what it is. You know what I mean? It's got to be one of those.
Every time she texts you, I love you. You could just hard it and not say it back.

Speaker 1 Ditto. Yeah, maybe.
Ditto. Yeah, ditto.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on, wait.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right. Just for Andrew.
What if you brought home takeout food, but only for yourself?

Speaker 1 Ooh,

Speaker 1 that's good. That's a good one.
That's a really good one. That's a good one.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What if

Speaker 1 you only kissed her on her forehead like a child?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Like, you never kissed her on the lips. You want to take it down? You just say, have a good day.

Speaker 1 And you kissed her on her head, top it like a, or you pat her on her head like a little.

Speaker 1 That's a good one.

Speaker 1 That's good. Treat her like a dwarf.

Speaker 1 That's good. I like that.
Treat her like a dwarf. Or every time you guys were driving somewhere, she would drive and you sit in the back seat.
Oh, yeah, like an Uber. Like an Uber.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's the Uber method. That's like a relationship where it's like it's not intimate.
Yeah. Like a driving Miss Daisy kind of a thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that.
Or what about this?

Speaker 1 When you're walking somewhere with her, you always walk a little bit in front of her. That's a good one.

Speaker 1 But I've had fights like that before. Right.
Where they go, how come you always walk ahead of me? Right. Right.
Right. Yeah.
Or like, you know, or have you had this happen?

Speaker 1 You're walking with your girl, right? On a beach, wherever, boardwalk, let's say, whatever. Right.
At a mall, right? Sure.

Speaker 1 And you're just walking forward, and a hot chick just walks in front of you and then you're like, and they're like, I saw that.

Speaker 1 Oh, why? Because I have eyeballs?

Speaker 1 Cause I have eyeballs on that way.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's crazy.

Speaker 1 It's crazy talk. Have you had that? You want me to walk like this, bitch? Come on.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I hate it. It's so dumb.
It's like, you haven't checked in with me. You're not my parole officer.
I'm not a criminal.

Speaker 1 I haven't done shit, bitch.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Keep in the guard.
Kind of guard. That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of guard.
Sorry. Check it out.

Speaker 1 Sorry, sorry. Kindergarten.
Yeah, sorry. It's true, though.
What you're saying, we all agree with. It's true.
Yeah, yeah. It's like all these things.

Speaker 1 Now, when I say these things, I don't want to be in a relationship.

Speaker 1 Why? Oh, you told me another one.

Speaker 1 I did last night. What was it?

Speaker 1 But you don't.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, but that's different.

Speaker 1 That's different.

Speaker 1 Here's my theory. Okay.
And I'm not a scientist, as you know.

Speaker 1 As you know, right? And I'm not a doctor. You only look like one.

Speaker 1 What the fuck was that?

Speaker 1 I'm emotional today. You are? I'm tired.
I'm on the edge. Right.
I'm going to express myself. Please.

Speaker 1 I believe

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 sperm

Speaker 1 is liquid love.

Speaker 1 Hear me out. Okay.

Speaker 1 When I'm jacked up with it, I love my girlfriend. Right.

Speaker 1 When I release, I like my girlfriend.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.
Right.

Speaker 1 So, in order for me to stay in love, you don't come. And that's what I was telling you last night.

Speaker 1 You never come. What What about this?

Speaker 1 Here's a third theory. Am I not? No, it means you don't really like them.
No, even I've, I was in love with Kalila.

Speaker 1 And even when I organized with her, it's not like, it's not like I hate, I love them still, but it's like, it's still less. Yeah.
A little less is what I'm saying. Sure.

Speaker 1 Will you not admit, or am I in the, am I in the, in the shadows here? No, I get it, but because you, yeah, because maybe you were lust, maybe it was lust, and there was the lust juice.

Speaker 1 Oh, so what you're telling me, Distefano, is this. Liquid lust.
Exactly. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, it's liquid lust. Liquid lust.
So what you're telling me is this, and maybe I'm wrong then, okay?

Speaker 1 That every time you orgasm with your,

Speaker 1 you feel the same exact way.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? You don't feel empty?

Speaker 1 Like, empty, like, towards her? No, just toward her, but it's like, you know, you don't really want to cuddle as hard or whatever. You know what I mean? Hmm.

Speaker 1 That's not you, bro.

Speaker 1 I'm alone on an island.

Speaker 1 You're not on the boat? It depends on the person. Oh, oh, really? Last night you were on the boat.
I'm not.

Speaker 1 We were on the boat together last night. I was like, We're all fucking on the boat anymore.
I get it. What happened? You jumped overboard? No.
Oh, my God. It depends on the person.

Speaker 1 You're all liars, dude. Everyone in this blasphemy.
Blasphemy. Yeah, yeah.
Give me the book.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus Christ, please, dear Lord, forgive these sinners. You know what I mean? They do not know what they say or mean.
They only do for the public eye. Here you go.
Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's insane. All right, let's go back then.
Forget it. So I try to edge.
That's all. I agree.

Speaker 1 Exactly. I just edge, you know.
That's it.

Speaker 1 It's the best way to do it. It's just, yeah, every time I've had the last five times I've had sex with my girl, I've come, but she's just continued watching Landman on Paramount Plus.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. Is it a good show? Yeah.
Is it Land Man? Every time I come, I hope Billy Bob Thornton in the background.

Speaker 1 It's called Landman.

Speaker 1 Land Man is one of the best TV shows. It's just so good.
I've seen ever in my life. So the character Billy Bob Thornton plays is fantastic.

Speaker 1 It's a very male male show.

Speaker 1 It's on Paramount. And it's a TV show or a movie like it.
TV show. No, girl.
You know what girls are like it? Allie Lard is in it. Allie Lard, who's beautiful.
Yes.

Speaker 1 It's a good show. The last Landman, anything Tyler, Taylor Sharon,

Speaker 1 Taylor Sharon has put out. Landman,

Speaker 1 the other one that

Speaker 1 Lioness was fantastic. Yellowstone, this guy's unrealistic.
Oh, Yellowstone, I saw. Yellowstone's

Speaker 1 1883, 1920.

Speaker 1 You could be an 1883. You could could be an 1883.
What could I play in 1883? The railroad. What could I play? The laundry man.
No, the railroad. They build a railroad.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I've already said this before.
You know what I mean? We're in a different river, right? Same stream.

Speaker 1 Whatever the analogy is. Never step in the same river twice.
Forever twice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Success is not final. Failure is not fatal.
But I always said in the old West, I'd be opium.

Speaker 1 You'd be opium? Opium dealer. Opium them? I'd be an opium dealer.
Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah.
I would just get straight from China. That's what you would do.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I feel like you're the guy that if you would get me, I would come in and shake your hand. And next thing you know, you got me in a finger trap.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Can we discuss that for a second?

Speaker 1 So let me see how that works, okay? Right. So you come into my opium den.
Yeah. Right.
I go right this way. You do? Right.
Yeah. And you go, thank you so much.
You're my favorite opium den, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And we shake hands.

Speaker 1 And then when we release,

Speaker 1 I go, I got you. I got you.
And then I, right, and then I can't, I can't. Right.
But our two fingers are things? No, no, you, you just snitch snitch it on me. And your two fingers are in a trap?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you got my hands in a trap

Speaker 1 and then you start hitting me with sticks. Dude, I mean.
What does opium feel like? It must feel. It's heroin, right? Oh, that's what it is, right? It's heroin.

Speaker 1 You know, heroin is not actually bad for you. It's the thing that we have been at.
It's vitamin D, I heard heroin.

Speaker 1 No, RFK, our new Chancellor of Health.

Speaker 1 He was just confirmed. No, if you look at bigger.
Google, heroin itself, that's not the bad thing. You know what's crazy? He's the Chancellor of Health, and he's been inside my house.

Speaker 1 Yes. Isn't that weird to think about it?

Speaker 1 Isn't that wild? Yeah, it's so wild that he's been like somebody. You've met Trump? Huh? Have you met Trump? When I was a little kid, never.

Speaker 1 Who's like the biggest politician you met?

Speaker 1 Love him. Voted him twice.
Yes.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Eric Adams, the mayor of New York, Eric Adams.
Oh, really? He did History Hyenas. Oh, he did? He did in 2020, and now he's going to go to prison.
Who's the most famous guy you met, Don?

Speaker 1 Politician? No, just in general. New Kingrich.
New Kingridge, Speaker of the House. Who's the biggest famous person you've met?

Speaker 1 Probably Colin Farrell. How'd you meet him? I worked with him.
Doing what? Show double. TV show.
No. Wow.
Thank you. You were an actor? On it? Yeah.
Yeah. And you played across from him? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Was he nice? He beat me up. Was he nice? He's the nicest man.
Yeah, he seems so nice. He's the fucking, he's the fucking great.
Dude, he's how talented. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I remember we were watching the show was called Sugar on Apple TV, and I was having sex with my girl a couple of months ago, and I'm coming, and she goes, there's Don. Really?

Speaker 1 And you could see you on Sugar? Yeah. Yeah.
You had lines and everything?

Speaker 1 I was in four episodes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why don't you shut your fucking mouth, Bob? I told you last night, though. What did I say last night to you?

Speaker 1 You're

Speaker 1 like me. No, but also as an actor,

Speaker 1 you have such a distinct look.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I don't know if that was a compliment, but yeah.

Speaker 2 You're still handsome. What? You're still handsome.

Speaker 1 Do you think he's hit more? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, he is way better looking than him.
Yeah, good voice, too. And voice.
Yeah, yeah. So he doesn't look like a Greek god, though.
No.

Speaker 1 You said I look like a Greek god from the side.

Speaker 2 Well, maybe he's just a superior being than you.

Speaker 1 Superior being

Speaker 1 right here. Yeah.
Yeah, but I'm more Aryan looking.

Speaker 1 Is that good? Yeah. Okay.
In today's American. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're like an Italian baker to me back in the day. He does.
Yeah, yeah. He does look like Are you Mexican? What are you? Italian.
Okay. Yeah.
Exactly. Yeah.
From the South. Maybe rare.

Speaker 1 Sidney Sweeney. Is that the most famous person now? Maybe.
Sidney Sweeney's famous. Oh, right.
You did a movie with her. You did a movie with her too? Yeah, just now.
Wow. Congratulations.

Speaker 1 Thanks, man. But you do stand-up too.

Speaker 1 Still? Debatable. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you with me? He's come home with me to San Francisco.

Speaker 1 Oh, Oh, you do? Come feature? Cisco. Yeah.
Oh, that's awesome. I do two-man shows.
Don goes up, does 20. I do an hour.
We'll see you the fuck later. Wow.

Speaker 1 You have fun? I do. I have a good time.
Yeah, yeah. Have a good time.
Cobbs, Comedy Club. Shout it out.

Speaker 1 Oh, Fahim called. I'll call him back.
Let's call him back. Yeah.
Thank you. Okay.
Stay here, Don.

Speaker 1 I have to tell him he's on pod.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what up? So I'm with this fun or you're on bad friends.

Speaker 1 Oh, what's up? Are you sharing that right now? Yeah, we're on air. I wanted to warn you.

Speaker 1 Okay. What'd you say?

Speaker 1 Don't get sand crazy.

Speaker 1 I'm in Laurel Canyon. Don't get sand crazy.

Speaker 1 I know how you get.

Speaker 1 Anyway, what'd you call me last night late at night for?

Speaker 1 Just the trade notes.

Speaker 1 I think that'sn't about the hallway. It wasn't about Bobby rubbing his head on your girlfriend's head.

Speaker 1 I missed that.

Speaker 1 We did a side hug photo, and I bumped my head against that. She's a wonderful girl, by the way.
She's beautiful. She's beautiful.
We were complimenting her. And

Speaker 1 I touched heads with her, and I came a little bit. Is that wrong?

Speaker 1 Sure, no. I mean, it's biological.
It's biological. Yeah.
Thank you. So that's what you wanted to know.
Yeah, he can't. Bobby, he noticed when he got home, he had a little bit of cum on his Crocs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That happens. Yeah.
Are you with her right now? I have a good pause. Are you with her right now? I'm just driving to the store.
Okay. I'm doing my show in the belly.
Oh, well, have a good show, bud.

Speaker 1 All right. Thanks, Jude.
All right. Bye-bye.

Speaker 1 Bye.

Speaker 1 Anyway, that was Fahim Anwar.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Should I try Jasmine one time to see if he can come to the wedding? Yeah, yeah.
And then this is it. Okay, sorry.
Let me see. She doesn't pick up my calls.
I think she might have somebody else.

Speaker 1 You're not going tonight, right?

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 You heard that? That was an immediate.

Speaker 1 That was an immediate. Go fuck yourself.
Now I'm calling back.

Speaker 1 She hung up on me, right? Yeah. That was obvious.
It's probably just a

Speaker 1 not disturbed.

Speaker 1 Where's Andrew tonight? Is he in New York? Boston. Boston.
Wilbur.

Speaker 1 Hi. Hi.
Hot voice. I just want to tell you that you're on bad friends right now with Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 Go on.

Speaker 1 Okay. You're on the podcast.
Wait, bad friends. She doesn't know who I am.
With Bobby Lee. What the hell is that? With Bobby.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Hang up now. With Bobby Lee.
Hang up right now. Hang up right now.
If you don't hang up right now, we're done. Hang up right now.
Oh, you already said, tell him I love him. Did you know who I am?

Speaker 1 I know who you are.

Speaker 1 What do you think he, what is Bobby Lee from? Other than bad friends, where have you seen him?

Speaker 1 Where haven't I seen him? Very good answer.

Speaker 1 I like it.

Speaker 1 Just give one. Just give one.
All you have to do is get one here. I don't know, honey.

Speaker 1 Where do you think you've seen him?

Speaker 1 Take a guess. Anything.
Anything that comes to mind.

Speaker 1 Sweetheart, I don't know. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm just asking you to take it.

Speaker 1 The wedding. Karate kid.
One guess.

Speaker 1 Where have I seen? I saw him at the hilarious party. Right.
And

Speaker 1 did he make you uncomfortable at all?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Okay. Because he has a thing where he likes to rub his head on other people's girlfriends' heads.
That doesn't make me uncomfortable at all. Really? Okay, let me ask you a question now.

Speaker 1 We've said we want to keep things very, very small and intimate, close friends and family only for the wedding. And I want you you to be honest.

Speaker 1 I know that you're on the show, but I want you to be genuinely honest. Is Bobby Lee invited to the wedding with a plus one? I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Okay. He's not.

Speaker 1 Are you being genuine, Jasmine? He cannot come to the wedding. Yeah, no, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay. Okay, good night.
All right, good night. So, Bobby's not invited.
I'm not invited,

Speaker 1 real quick, and then I'll let you go.

Speaker 1 Hold on, Jazz. Is Andrew Santino invited?

Speaker 1 I gotta think about

Speaker 1 Bobby, I love you.

Speaker 1 Bobby walked off. All right, I love you.
Bye. Aw, they're all invited.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Neither know. All right, bye, bye, bye, bye.
Bye. Bye.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Before we go, I wanted to say something. I have to rebuttal.
Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I will not go.

Speaker 1 I will not go. Yeah, you're not invited.
Yeah, I'm not invited. I will not go.
Even if I was. I'm not going.
You know,

Speaker 1 the next time I see her, right? It'll be a little different. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be a little different.
Yeah, yeah. I could have believed the auto.
It'll be political, but not as sweet.

Speaker 1 Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It'd be less. It'd be less.
Yeah, yeah. Not much.
You're not going to touch her head.

Speaker 1 Won't be anywhere near her.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. From afar, I'll go.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The next hilarity. She's messed up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, keep her away. Yeah.
Yeah. And anything to promote down your website or anything?

Speaker 1 MustacheScott.com. I don't know.
Okay, good. You're good.
You?

Speaker 1 Hulu Special out February 21st. Yep.
Bobby's going to do Hulu Special too. Mine's called It's Just Unfortunate.
It's just Unfortunate. And then go to ChristyComedy.com.
I got a lot of stand-up dates.

Speaker 1 Oh, and patreon.com/slash historyenas. My history show is back.
Yep. And also, Jesus.
Jesus Christ. Remember to keep him in your heart.

Speaker 1 Remember that an error is not a mistake until you refuse to correct it. Exactly.

Speaker 1 If we're being a bad friend, that's gonna be a bad friend.