5th Badiversary w/ Chris Distefano & Dr. Phil

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Speaker 1 Hey!

Speaker 1 Oh my gosh. I'm shooting my special.
I'm doing a special tonight.

Speaker 1 This week. This week.
This week, I mean. This week.
This Friday and Saturday, the 21st and 22nd. Minneapolis, Minnesota.
I am in your city this week. Come see me shoot my special.

Speaker 1 All but one are sold out.

Speaker 1 The late Friday show. Come see your boy.
Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets. AndrewSantino.com to get tickets.
And also

Speaker 1 from Bainzon Toust. Beinzon Taunt.
Bains on Toast, London, England. We're coming.
We're coming to London, England, July

Speaker 1 July 18th and Dublin, Ireland, Afterrüch. We're going to

Speaker 1 London and Dublin. We're playing the Ovio Arena in Wembley.
No association to Drake. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then Dublin, Ireland, on the 19th, we're playing the Three Arena.

Speaker 1 The tickets are regular sale now. They were artists pre-sale and now they're on sale.
Regular. So go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets.
Badfriendspod.com.

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 I'm so sick I can't do the podcast, but I can go to fucking Miami with Jake Paul.

Speaker 1 Uh-huh. I'm so sick I can't podcast, but I can go to Miami for Jake Paul.
I'm so sick I can't podcast, but I can sit on a five and a half hour flight to Miami for Jake Paul. Interesting stuff.

Speaker 1 I'm so sick I can't podcast. Jake Paul, I'm on my way.
Yeah. I'm on my way.
I'm so sick that I'm going to go to promotions for bad friends. Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie.
Lie, lie, lie.

Speaker 1 I'm so sick that I go out of my way, right, to risk my life and my health and my family's lineage. Yeah.
Right. Yeah.
For my best friend. Your family's lineage is in jeopardy already.

Speaker 1 Don't even get me started, dude. You know, you know, this guy goes to Jake Paul's party for the Super Bowl and goes the day before.

Speaker 1 I'm sick, dude. We can't pod.
Oh, it's so. And I said, you still going to go to Miami? No answer.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 Oh, he was there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no answer. That's why he didn't answer.
Yeah. I'm so sick that

Speaker 1 I bowed to the king. Jake Paul's the king? Yes.
Jake Paul's the king. Let me say something right now, dude.

Speaker 1 You know, we're like in Game of Thrones, dude, right? I went to the Lannisters, dude. Right?

Speaker 1 Right? When I'm just a peasant, I could get my head beheaded, right? I did it for our fucking, you know, farm.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 white walkers are coming from the north, right? Yeah. And I risked my life and limb, right, to go down there to bow to the king, right? For us, so that we get saved.
And now he does this.

Speaker 1 Do you understand?

Speaker 1 Ring, ring. Hello, Jake Paul.

Speaker 1 Dude. Oh, you need me in the My Rami.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be right back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Who else gonna be there? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ring, ring. Ring ring.

Speaker 1 Ring ring. Dude, I love stumping you.
I love fucking.

Speaker 1 I know that

Speaker 1 you weren't that sick. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and also,

Speaker 1 and also, the night before was with a lady friend hanging out

Speaker 1 With a lady friend, didn't get that sick. Went on a flight.
Jake Paul, Miami. Okay.

Speaker 1 First of all, our guest today is Chris DeStefano. Yay!

Speaker 1 I like you.

Speaker 1 I love you. But I want to say this, right?

Speaker 1 Lady Fred always trumps work. Yes.

Speaker 1 Did you bring us back any Celsius? What? Any Celsius? Yeah, I got all sorts of...

Speaker 1 Does he have to... Jake had something to do with that? No, they're Prime.
Oh, Prime. Sorry.
Did you bring back any Prime? Well, let's get that back because the joke doesn't work now. Do it again.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 1 Bring me in.

Speaker 1 Did you bring back any prime?

Speaker 1 Explain to us.

Speaker 1 Explain to us who was at the Super Bowl party. By the way, you hate football.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
You look like

Speaker 1 you do have a pig skinned face.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just in the face. I don't know, man.

Speaker 1 You look like a field goal kicked football.

Speaker 1 Good. Sorry.
All right. Who was at the point? You look thin, though.
You do look good. T.W.
I mean, real, though. No, I swear to God.
As soon as I came in, I said,

Speaker 1 you look thinner than I've ever seen you. I thought maybe you're into Moshe Big.
He is. Are you? White Govey.
We go. Wigove.

Speaker 1 Bring up the photo of him from his Instagram he posted on the set of Theo's movie. You look good.
No, you really do look good. Everyone I know is like, bro, is Bobby losing crazy weight?

Speaker 1 I was like, yeah, dude, he's on it. Yeah.
There it is. No, no, no, no.
It's the next one. He's standing up.
Look at that, dude. Wow.
Skinny. You look good.
Look at my belly, dude.

Speaker 1 Oh, I mean, it is compared to David. Yeah, David Spade does look like he has the HIV.
You look good.

Speaker 1 And honestly, if I just blacked out the face with that hair and that outfit, you look exactly like my aunt Colleen.

Speaker 1 Shout out, Colleen. You look literally exactly like my aunt Colleen.
Dude, I'm already drowning on this podcast.

Speaker 1 No, it's like the nom, dude. It's like I'm just being pelted, dude.
This is Hamburger Hill.

Speaker 1 I'm on Hamburger Hill. There's no way out, man.
Well, what side would you fight on in Vietnam? You're on Hamburger Hill. South.
No bun.

Speaker 1 No bun. No, yay,

Speaker 1 protein style. Yeah, protein style.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute, though. Yeah, yeah.
You do look fantastic in this photo. You look thin.
You look good. Are you being real? Your skin looks good.
Yeah, man. You look good.
David Spade looks even better.

Speaker 1 Wow, he always looks good. He looks even thinner.
He's twiggy-wiggy. He's so skinny, man.

Speaker 1 He looks like he has cisco inebra jaw cancer.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 You know, Spadey's never, he never overeats. He never has a bad month.
I've never seen him go, dude, I got to cut back. Like you and I have phone calls where it's like, buddy.

Speaker 1 You called me, Santino called me and he didn't know that Jasmine was in the car.

Speaker 1 He called me and told me that he had to get back in shape because he was on the road so much and he looked at himself in the mirror naked at a hotel room on the road and he started crying.

Speaker 1 And my girl heard it. Dude, I got out of the shower.
I saw my stupid little ugly pale body.

Speaker 1 They had one of those those big mirrors right as you got out of the shower. And I looked at it, started crying.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Instantly was like, look at my little penis, my pale, frumpy body, and just bawling. I was like, I got to go to the fucking gym, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just sad fat on the road, you're eating, you're not sleeping right, like you're traveling. I couldn't get the head of my dick out of this tube.
What? What?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Here we go. Here we go.
What tube? What? What do you mean? Well, the tube is the stem.

Speaker 1 The shaft. Oh, it went in.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, but I couldn't get it out.
Right. It was like gum or something in it.
You're not circumcised? I am circumcised.

Speaker 1 That's the tragedy of that. That's the tragedy.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right.
It was like a turtle, right? His head couldn't get out of the shell. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Stuck.
Right.

Speaker 1 So then I had to do a thing where I was like, ah, like that, and it made a sound like, bop, bump. And it came out.

Speaker 1 And then I held it with my two fingers so that it wouldn't like, you know what I mean, dry that way, you know? Yeah. But look there, you could see, you got, you got it.

Speaker 1 I don't know why I just shared that information. Because you were like, you guys were sharing about

Speaker 1 being in the mirror and stuff, right? I just goes, this is what happened to me. I don't think hotel mirrors.
I'm drowning, dude. I'm drowning already because it attacked me so badly.

Speaker 1 No, you never look good. You never look good in a hotel mirror.
It's disgusting. Also, by the way, you're not drowning.
And if you do remember Vietnam, you ended up, you guys ended up winning.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Stalemate. Stalemate.

Speaker 1 But that's a win. If a tie is a win, and you're going to tie with the United States, that's a win.
Yeah, man. You love soccer.
That's a tie is a win.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess the tie is a win. Yeah, tie is a win.
Yeah. Well, you know, when you both come, it's good.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah, that's true.
Right. Sometimes you come, right? And the other person doesn't come.
That's right. Right.
And then you're like, I'm tired or whatever. That's most of my sex life.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Your wife.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. If you, she was, I tell you.
If she had a cock, right?

Speaker 1 You'd be it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 She was so nice to her at the Hulu party. Yeah.
Wasn't that? 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I didn't like your face. Why? Why? You think I was going to be too nice? I wasn't hitting on her.
No, she doesn't care. I was just looking at her.
I go, she's so beautiful. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Yeah. Very nice.
Very important.

Speaker 1 She is gorgeous. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you got everything going for you. You got everything going for you.
Watch this transition. Look at this.
Yeah, yeah. Special out on Hulu.
The guy is playing Madison Square Garden.

Speaker 1 Madison Square Garden. September 11th, 2011.
9-11. That's what it is.
Really?

Speaker 1 Now, are you

Speaker 1 donating any of the proceeds to the fire or to FDNY? If we can get ticket sales above $7,000. Yeah, okay.
Yep.

Speaker 1 Anything under that, I'm going to have to keep from Poppy's going to have to keep. Do we get spots on that show? Yeah, we should.
100%. I'm being real.
Do we get spots on that show?

Speaker 1 If you guys, I swear to God, if you were in New York, you could absolutely

Speaker 1 come do spots as long as I could promote you. 100%.

Speaker 1 No, I'm kidding, kidding. Tickets are going good.
Tickets are going good. Stay positive.
Good. September 11th, a memorable day for New York City.
Yep.

Speaker 1 Are you nervous that if you don't sell out, that you'll look like a tragedy?

Speaker 1 Like that.

Speaker 1 That's the

Speaker 1 garden. And there's me running along the way.
I was going to say, yeah, there's Bobby dressed like a burglar from the 1920s.

Speaker 1 That's the ham burglar hill.

Speaker 1 Yes, that, yeah. So, no, I'm not nervous because

Speaker 1 it's just been a dream of mine, and it's going to be good. And they say President Donald Trump might come.
Seriously? Well, because all the presidents always go to the 9-11.

Speaker 1 So they were saying that there's a possibility that maybe they'll come at night. Wow.
Wow. Yes.
Does he like you? Does he know you? You guys know each other? His son knows me, Trump Jr. Wow.

Speaker 1 He said, He said, he never told me anything about his dad.

Speaker 1 When everyone was getting Trump on the pod in New York and out here, too, they offered, they said maybe he would zoom in with me. So I said, I can't.
No. No one wanted to do this.
No one did? No.

Speaker 1 AOC, can we get her? Yes.

Speaker 1 You should get her in, and I'll come run in and smell the seat.

Speaker 1 No, no, AOC, let's talk about her, right? You're in a club. Pass.
You're in a club.

Speaker 1 Would you go, sir?

Speaker 1 I mean, look at my family. Oh, yeah, yeah, you would.
He's drowned in that way.

Speaker 1 In that weird way. That's what I want.

Speaker 1 If you're from any U.S. territory, I want to have sex with you.
That's what it is. So I like girls from the U.S.
territories. Puerto Rico.

Speaker 1 Any trips to the Gulf of America coming up for you?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 What? Swim in the Gulf. Gulf in there.
No. If you look at the map, I think they changed it on Apple Maps.
There's no way. On Google.
Good. Yeah, look.

Speaker 1 Only in the U.S. Yeah.
One of our boys, one of our boys in the group chat posted

Speaker 1 like they posted it on Facebook, Gulf of America, like, you know, like proud, like, look at this, whatever.

Speaker 1 And then one, he didn't realize when he sent the screenshot to the group chat on Facebook, there was a comment from like this gay guy that was like, haven't seen you at the bars in Long Beach, big boy.

Speaker 1 When are you coming back?

Speaker 1 Who do I send it to? Carlos. Carlos.
All right, I'll send it to you, Carlos. We were dying laughing when you just get caught being a fig.

Speaker 1 I think Gulf of America, I like them wanting to buy Greenland. That's a good one.
What are we going to do with Greenland? Canada. It's just another.

Speaker 1 Oh, I don't know what could we do there. Hot topic headquarters.
Yes. Is that where it goes? No, I want to do one there.

Speaker 1 We took over Greenland. What shops should we have there? In Greenland? That's pretty smart.

Speaker 1 Let's do it. What shops would we do? What will we do?

Speaker 1 Hot topic, many, like the warehouse. CEO, I'll be a CEO hot topic there.
Yeah, okay. Woo-woo women.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I like that a lot. Auntie Annie's pretzels.
Ooh, yummy. Panda Express.
Got to be there.

Speaker 1 No, but because they're Eskimos. Could we throw in a Sabarro? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sabaro. Sabaro.

Speaker 1 It's the best mall pizza in the world. Oh, I thought it was a car.

Speaker 1 Guess we'll be the fashion designer for Hot Topic. Got a brand new fashion designer.
Guess who it is? Who? Kanye. Yay.

Speaker 1 Kanye. Have you seen his website? Have you gone to easy.com? Did you see his Super Bowl commercial? Bro.
Oh, look, they're blocking the site now. Oh, God.
Really? It's down? Yeah, it's down.

Speaker 1 He was selling t-shirts. Do you know this for real?

Speaker 1 Tell me everything.

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm not joking.

Speaker 1 We can Google it still to find it. Is it right-wing? He was selling a white t-shirt.
Oh, yeah, I'd say it's right-wing.

Speaker 1 He was selling a t-shirt with just a swastika on it, a white t-shirt, $20.

Speaker 1 Right. He's got to be fucking.
No, but he was. I swear to God.

Speaker 1 Look at their. Oh, that's why

Speaker 1 I saw

Speaker 1 Jewish people wearing the same symbol, but with a flick-off. Yeah, it's a guess.

Speaker 1 He paid $8 million to do a Super Bowl commercial in certain regions that he just filmed on his iPhone from the dentist's office. Yeah, he was sitting in a dentist chair.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but somebody own that brand already? The swastika? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Hitler, I think they're licensing it out.

Speaker 1 Who has Happy Birthday? Hitler. Hitler, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He has Happy Birthday and he has a swastika, no? Right.

Speaker 1 Can they sue him? He probably. And that's ours? It's probably in court right now.
You know, he also owns the black happy birthday.

Speaker 1 Oh, I don't, let's sing it.

Speaker 1 Happy birthday. Oh, yeah, Jiggy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Happy birthday.

Speaker 1 That, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He owns them both. Yeah, that birthday.
Yeah, I like that one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I love all black.

Speaker 1 Like, Merry Christmas. Yeah, what is theirs? Well, like Jingle Bells is good, right? Black Jingle Bells.
What is that one? I don't remember. Yeah, you do.
Do you do? I think you know it.

Speaker 1 Jingle bells, jingle bells.

Speaker 1 Really good. No, that was bad.
Cut that part out. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 I committed my fucking throat crack.

Speaker 1 It didn't sound good. Why'd you set me up?

Speaker 1 You sing black jingle bells.

Speaker 1 Happy Kwanzaa.

Speaker 1 Dude, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude.

Speaker 1 Kwanzaa. Well, shout out to Kanye selling shirts with swastikas on him, dude.
What are you doing?

Speaker 1 He says that it's the... What are you doing? It's the Hindu symbol.
Is that what it is? It's not the Nazi thing.

Speaker 1 He's saying it's the Hindu and that we're all assholes, that he's just sending a Hindu symbol for freedom or peace or whatever it is. If you had a record company, would you sign them? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's be real. No.
No.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't.

Speaker 1 Because you're a startup. You're a startup company.
I'm a startup. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I would.

Speaker 1 You have no band, singer, you have signed nobody. You have no money.
He's the guy. Yeah, you're right.
And you're like, he goes, yeah, I'll sign with you. Would you sign him? I would.

Speaker 1 I could separate the man

Speaker 1 from the art. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would probably buy the Cosby show too. You know,

Speaker 1 I'd like to do it all. I support black-owned business.
Yeah, yeah. That's exactly.
Cosby, Kanye.

Speaker 1 I got every Diddy. I got Diddy fucking oil.
Yeah. When I went on the website, I was like, there's no way this is real when it was still up.
And sure enough, it was there for $20.

Speaker 1 But I have empathy for him.

Speaker 1 You do?

Speaker 1 Well, he's definitely going through some mental illness.

Speaker 1 Okay, you only get one of these. No, no, no.
He's done this too many times. No, dude, he's done this way too many times.
Wait, wait. So, but

Speaker 1 he hasn't addressed his mental illness. You get one Nazi explosion.
No. You get one.
Where I come from, you get six. Right.
You get six Nazi explosions where I come from, okay?

Speaker 1 So it's like where I come from,

Speaker 1 you can't even buy a condo unless you've had a Nazi explosion.

Speaker 1 Right, right, right. Yeah.
All these shirts, if we traced where they went, they all went to Staten Island. That's it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But there's no empathy there. I mean, let's be real for a second.

Speaker 1 But I get what you mean, but I agree with Andrew in the sense that if this was the first time he ever did this and he came out of left field, we'd be like, okay, let's get this guy to the hospital.

Speaker 1 But this is like the 30th time he came something like this. Yeah, he is a genius musically, though.
Sure, yeah, just like Hitler was a genius in speech, in free speech, right?

Speaker 1 But do you think that his mental illness has to do with talent, huh? Like, the reason why he like he's accessing things as I don't, I don't know much about mental illness. No, yeah, he's gone.

Speaker 1 He's gone. I think this is him grasping for reality and grasping for relevance because he is so lost, he thinks this is how I get pop get a pop again.
Dude, he did, he bit into the system.

Speaker 1 He dated the most famous woman in the world, made a family with her.

Speaker 1 And then when he realized that he wasn't really making music as much anymore and no one cared about his music because other artists overshadowed him, he was like, well, I need another pop.

Speaker 1 So he does this just to make noise again. So someone goes, so we're doing this.
Kanya, Kanye. So it's out again.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's why he had his girl dress in that naked see-through lingerie.

Speaker 1 On the red carpet. Yeah, he trolls her around naked.
Look, open that up again. Look at that.
Wait, go back. No, no, no.
Go back, Carlos. This is DeStefano's buddy's post.
So he posted Golf of America.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then zoom in. Mark Elias wrote, bring your beautiful butt back to Long Beach.
There's a strong handsome.

Speaker 1 And we've always thought this guy may be kind of gay.

Speaker 1 So we said, hey, what about that? And then he just hasn't responded. That's so funny.
Because he thought he was just sending the Golf of America post.

Speaker 1 Wow. What a dick.
Yeah, no, Kanye went, he went. He went nuts.
And then he wears this see-through lingerie shift with his girl on the red carpet. And that's what I'm going to wear on Kimmel tomorrow.

Speaker 1 Are you doing Kimmel tomorrow? I'm doing Kimmel tomorrow, and I forgot. I don't have an outfit.
I'm just going to wear this. Just wear that now.
Are you doing stand-up or just a guest?

Speaker 1 No, just a guest. Oh, cool.
Promoting my special on Hulu comes out February 21st. Oh, that's a nice.
Andrew's got a special coming out. I know.
Him, too. Oh, and Bobby.
And guess what?

Speaker 1 And hey, guess what? One comic a month, one comic a month for 12 months. And guess what they gave me? Black History Month.
God bless. That should tell you something.

Speaker 1 That they believe in me to get the black vote. Not Roy Wood Jr.
They believe in me. When does Royce come out? My name came out already.
Yeah, so they could have have easily

Speaker 1 they could have switched you guys yeah but they yeah they could have given me my month January 6th and they said they gave it to Roy

Speaker 1 they did a reversal they did a reverse Roy came out in January and I came out in February they're trying to break they're trying to break the norms that's fine and I like it I like it I like it a lot

Speaker 1 this guy's excited he gets to shoot his special at the end of the year oh where are you gonna shoot it

Speaker 1 vision I don't know what's going on where are you gonna shoot it San Diego I think has to yeah gotta shoot it at what San Diego I'm from there I was there. I was raised there.

Speaker 1 I've been a little stressed out about it because I've never done a special, so I'm kind of trying to map it out, but it's hard. You should shoot it at Pow Way High.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think that'd be the coolest thing in the world. Really? At the school that didn't put you in the Hall of Fame.
You should shoot it on Hamburger Hill. Oh, in Vietnam.
Yeah. Whoa.

Speaker 1 That'd be sick, dude. With one of those big straw hats.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Powwe High.
We should shoot in the auditorium. And somebody asked me, do you have a theme? Do you have a theme? No.

Speaker 1 What is it? What do you mean a theme? Somebody's like, well, do you have a theme of your podcast?

Speaker 1 Your special. I go, I need a theme.
No, I take my fucking clothes off and I dance around in my underwear for my clothes are.

Speaker 1 That's what I do.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I feel like, is that an attack? No.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think that's an attack, dude. Yeah, you have yellow teeth.
I do. You have yellow skin.

Speaker 1 That's true. I do have yellow teeth.
Douche.

Speaker 1 I think you should. Remember when I first met you?

Speaker 1 When I first met you, you still were wearing those like boxer, those tidy whiteys. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I think you should have a big, huge pair of underwear on stage, like stained underwear hanging, like a massive one, and you're in the ball sack portion and you come out of it. It's me.

Speaker 1 That'd be sick. Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 That'd be sick. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When I met you, you used to wear tidy whiteys. I know.

Speaker 1 You still do? I don't know what I'm wearing now.

Speaker 1 When I met you, you did. Yeah.
You look good. You really do.
You lost. Wow.

Speaker 1 Look at your fucking junk, dude. You have a really like a relatively big big penis and big balls.
You have a big package overall. Well, God bless you.

Speaker 1 You're like optimum. God bless you.
God bless you, sir. No, you really do.
And you're always very nice to me.

Speaker 1 I remember when you took me out for sushi in New York, you're always very, very nice to me. Well, you know why? Why? And I have a saying.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make it up. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 When you see brethren

Speaker 1 in other.

Speaker 1 No, no, you got it. Thank you.
No, this is it.

Speaker 1 I get it. When you see brethren with two peas in a pond within each other, you have to really big be a good

Speaker 1 right? Thank you. Don't you think, though? Thank you.
But don't you think, guys? I remember

Speaker 1 the very first time. Put that as a shirt.

Speaker 1 I remember the very first time I met Bobby.

Speaker 1 We met on the Opie and Anthony show, and he was very nice to me, and he sat down and took me out right after the Opie and Anthony show and talked to me about comedy and how this is a really hard venture to do.

Speaker 1 And congratulations for getting into it and all. And all this serious talk when just moments before i'm talking about maybe 15 minutes before he was eating bull dick on opium anthony they had

Speaker 1 bulls piece

Speaker 1 and he was taking bites out of it and then he was telling me to take comedy seriously 15 minutes later at a tg friday

Speaker 1 i remember i remember yeah yeah everyone in the almost everyone in these photos are dead yeah

Speaker 1 wait wait really vic oh yeah uh carl unfortunately that whoever that top magician guy is yeah he's dead yeah that top magician guy would you were were you in the room with us when this top magician guy guy on Open Anthony?

Speaker 1 I don't know. So I forgot what his name was, but anyway, he has this trick where it's like, you know, like a magical card trick or whatever.

Speaker 1 And then like, you're like blown away and then he points over there and the card was like on the wall outside the studio.

Speaker 1 And so, and this is like his trick, but he's got like someone who helps him do it, whatever. And like it's all distractions.
And Club Soda Kenny, you guys know Club Soda. Love him, right?

Speaker 1 Club Soda Kenny, who was like the security guard for Open Anthony forever. Because he just doesn't like that shit.

Speaker 1 And while we were all distracted over here, Club Soda Kenny saw the helper put the card on the wall and Klep Soda Kenny took it.

Speaker 1 The guy pointed at the ball. And it wasn't there.
Klep Sorda Kenny's like, I got the card. I got the card.
And he ruined this kid's life. Robin Hood Gold.

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Speaker 1 Shopify. Guys, if you have business online, if you're not with Shopify, you die.
You die if you're not with Shopify. Yeah.

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Go to shopify.com/slash bad friends to upgrade your selling today.

Speaker 1 Shopify.com slash

Speaker 1 bad friends. You ever see like the World War II United States, like generation, like Japanese propaganda, like to be scared of them, like how they would make Asian people? No.

Speaker 1 Just Google like World War II, Japanese propaganda, American.

Speaker 1 Look at the faces that they used to make on these people. I got, I hope we can find them.
They are, it's fucking insane. I mean, this is one of them.
Like,

Speaker 1 bro. Little kids posters.
That's the most insane. Look at that photo.
Look at that. I can't even look at it.
You, wow. Look at what it says.
Jappy's so happy when this happens to you. Oh, my.

Speaker 1 It's so racist. Give me another one.
I love them. Yeah, it's so.
What does it say? Watch out for the driver. Those are fine.
Dude, that's insane. That's insane, dude.

Speaker 1 Jappy's so happy. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, yeah, they have so many.

Speaker 1 Don't blab. Lose traps help the Japs.
That's what it is. Lose Traps Help the Japs.
So don't. Dude, go down.
Go down a bit. Jesus Christ.
There's a bunch of them. Let's see if it.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. What's up with the teeth? Yeah, that's what they would do.
Well, they all got veneers early on.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is that Joe Coi?

Speaker 1 Look at this. This is their big slogan.
Open trap, make happy jap. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Wow. Jesus.
Or did you ever see that, like from the 80s, that German commercial? Oh, my God. Well, what was this? This is the enemy.
He's carrying like a pastel white woman. Oh, my God.
It's brutal.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Or just recently in the 80s, there's that German commercial.
It was going viral, German commercial about like washing a Chinese person. Like, they saw it.
You ever seen that one? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. I don't know if we could play it, but it was nuts.
Oh, my God. Tokyo Kickstarter.
This kick gets bigger and bigger. Oh, my God.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wash up early, rush outdoor, give Jepp time for wind war.

Speaker 1 Wow. Jesus.
That's how we used to roll. I'd like to meet this artist.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Does he do? Does he do flyers? Can he do bad friends flyers here? Yeah. Can he do? Yeah.
Oh, that's okay. That's my dad.

Speaker 1 But it is. Oh, yeah.
There we go. The propaganda stuff is.

Speaker 1 By the way, people are going to to look back in 100 years, look at our propaganda. We just don't know ours yet.
You know what I mean? No, no, explain.

Speaker 1 Well, we got to have propaganda shit out there that's so digital under the radar. We don't even know it's happening.
You know what I think is a big thing that we're doing right now? What? Top gun.

Speaker 1 Wouldn't that be considered propaganda for the military? Top Gun? The movie? Yeah, like even the Navy gave Tom Cruise an award this year. But not the new one.
The old one, maybe.

Speaker 1 The new one's just fodder. No,

Speaker 1 the OG one.

Speaker 1 Secretary of the Minister of Defense, whatever his name, the guy from Fox, wants the Top Gun people to do the commercials and everything. Really? Yeah.
Really? Well, the movie was great. Right.

Speaker 1 It really was. It was so good, dude.

Speaker 1 It was so good. Top Gun was, I went into it being like, is this going to be as good as Top Gun the Original? It was just as good.
Maverick was so good. It was incredible.
It was so good.

Speaker 1 And by the way, less gay because the first one, the thing I love the most about it was all the gay stuff. Oh, yeah.
And they took that out. Yeah,

Speaker 1 they took out all the gay stuff. I would be edging myself every time the plane went out, and before they could pass out, I would just fucking.
You would nut as soon as they broke the sound barrier?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was me, as soon as they broke the sound barrier. I mean, this was a gay love story.
It was. We've talked about it.
What Top Bun Top Gun was? Haven't we talked about this?

Speaker 1 This was a gay love story. I never talked about it with you.
It's 100% a gay love story. It's an unrequited gay love story.
I never saw it. That's why it's Top Pass Gun.
Maverick Gun. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maverick, I didn't see the first one. Bottom gun.
Bottom gun. You never saw the first one? I saw Maverick, though.
It was good. Wow.
I'm shocked. Tell me about the gay story.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, look, they have these beach volleyball scenes, and it's also this love relationship between Maverick and

Speaker 1 Goose, right? No, and Iceman. Yeah.
And it's like this beautiful, like, unrequited love story.

Speaker 1 They can't be in love, so he's got to pretend to like that girl. Oh, I saw this.

Speaker 1 I remember. He doesn't know.
Could you met that girl, the woman who was in the first top gun, she just got so old and out of shape that they just couldn't put her in the second one? I know.

Speaker 1 What was her name? They had to replace her with someone else. That's got to show off, though.
She looks great. No, there was another photo.
That's not. No, find a different one.

Speaker 1 There was one photo I was like, what? Oh, yeah. I mean,

Speaker 1 she doesn't look bad. Is that the girl that wrote Harry Potter? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But she was a dime, dude. I remember watching that being like,

Speaker 1 the amount of movies that Tom Cruise made that I jerked off to. Like Jerry Maguire.
I used to have that VHS. All day.
That first. When Cuba Gooden Jr.
comes out naked. Yeah.
Give me the money, Jerry.

Speaker 1 He's like,

Speaker 1 he's like, I'll air dry. I'm like, ah.
My favorite.

Speaker 1 Rainman. Rainman.
Oh, come on, Dusty.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I jerked out that.
Jerk off to that. Kmart sucks, right?

Speaker 1 All fucking day, dude. Yeah.
Love jerking. By the way, I just re-watched Tropic Thunder.

Speaker 1 So good.

Speaker 1 I just watched it. Just traveling again.
Maybe one of the best movies. Like, maybe one of the funniest, funniest movies I've seen in years.
Can I give a confession? I've never seen it. What? What?

Speaker 1 Oh, you got to watch it. I got to watch it.
I'm going to watch it in Blackface.

Speaker 1 He was so good in it, though.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah,

Speaker 1 he was great in that. Yeah.
Oh, Tom Cruise is the best.

Speaker 1 The guy, did you you see his during the super bowl he was he did the he did like the one of the intros or whatever whatever that was for the pre-tape you know oh yeah yeah yeah dude this guy he's just saying a beautiful script and i'm in he's the last movie star and he grew his hair out his hair looks exactly like bobby lee's hair right now i don't know how timothy chalamet is going to get there no this guy's the last original movie star

Speaker 1 is the guy i i know but eventually you think timothy chalamet is the future i i he is he is but i don't know that you can have a list movie box office success success like Tom Cruise had.

Speaker 1 I don't know if any of that will ever happen again. Google.
Google Tom Cruise total box office. And look at his hair.

Speaker 1 Let's take a guess. Hold on.
Tom Cruise Total Box Office. I'm guessing he's upwards of billions.
Yeah, I was going to say $5 or $6 billion. Yeah, I was going to guess $8 billion

Speaker 1 for total box office success. Across everything.
Go ahead, McCone. What is it? $12 billion.
Wow, I got close to where I went.

Speaker 1 That's insane. A kiss from fancy.
Oh, great. Love it.
Bear kiss. You mean again?

Speaker 1 Highest, dude, $12 billion. Wow.
$12 Schmilly. Look, no shot at Chalamet.
He'll never reach that. Only because the box office isn't earning like that anymore.
That's what I'm saying, though.

Speaker 1 But, you know, relatively, though. Sammy Jackson is still top in the charts with $14 billion.
Scarlett Jackson. What? What? Robert Downey, 14.
All the Avengers movies. Yeah, you got to remember.

Speaker 1 These are the fragments.

Speaker 1 Oh, Zoe Saldana.

Speaker 1 If you took away the superhero films,

Speaker 1 Tom Cruise is the only one. Right.
And Tom Cruise is in no suit. Well, arguably, he is the original superhero.
Right, but right. It's hard to.
He is, but

Speaker 1 it's not a family franchise the way that Avengers is. Avengers or Avatar.
Yeah. Avengers or Avatar, another gay shit.
Okay. Here it is.
Oh, no. Ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 1 Harry Potter and Two Girls, One Cup. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Seen him. Been there.
What's up, Bob? Drew, Chris.

Speaker 1 Dr. Phil.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome Dr. Phil to the show.
He just popped in.

Speaker 1 That is unexpected.

Speaker 1 I had to put my tie on. Last time, I I want to be clear.
Can I get some more juice in the headphones, Bob?

Speaker 1 What's his name? The kid with the syndrome? What's his name? Whatever you want to call him. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What does your mom call you?

Speaker 1 Fancy. Huh?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 You look like a make-a-wish kid.

Speaker 1 So fancy. Wow, you're coming in aggressive.
I love it, Dr. Well, last time I was here, I was riding

Speaker 1 a gummy. A THC gummy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we can cut to a clip.
Great. You don't have it? Okay.
Well, Last time I was on a gummy, and I felt like I didn't bring it.

Speaker 1 Even though the episode I know got some downloads. Hell yeah.
And some uploads.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I just want to be more myself today. Good.
Yeah, good. Good to see you.
Dr. Phil, great to see you.
Are you someone that dabbles often in THC gummies? I tried to. One time I took 80 milligrams of THC.

Speaker 1 I thought it was CBD, though. I was having some, my apnea machine didn't work.
And so I popped in the, what I thought was CBD.

Speaker 1 Next thing you know, I'm taking my hoodie off, and I got stuck in it for four hours. I thought I was gonna fucking die.
I watched 19 episodes of Naked and Afraid.

Speaker 1 Fancy, I know you like that show, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, Dr.

Speaker 1 Phil, uh, I want to let you know, I don't know if you're aware, you probably should be, and you're very worldly and knowledgeable. I'd like to be on the internet as much as possible.
I know, I heard.

Speaker 1 Uh, our good friend Chris Estefano here sitting next to you. Love you, big shit.
I know you guys know each other. He's playing Madison Square Garden in New York City on

Speaker 1 9-11. Boy, that.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 9-10 was taken? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you know what? Here's what I love about you.

Speaker 1 That's like,

Speaker 1 that's like,

Speaker 1 that's like, that's like, that's like fucking your ex in front of your wife on Valentine's Day. Yeah, that's what I did.
That's what I did.

Speaker 1 And I lean, you know, it's 9-11 that the tickets are on sale. The pre-sale code is Hamas.

Speaker 1 We'll be right back.

Speaker 1 That is a great.

Speaker 1 First of all, I'm a big fan. I'm sitting here with three of of the best comics working today, but the garden, that's a, you know, I once got a hand job in a secret garden.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, it was the movie, but

Speaker 1 I was 15, you know, right? DMI, YOLO. No, I just finally got 9-10 was taken.
That was funny.

Speaker 1 It just got high. It just clicked.
I knew a couple that got married on 9-11 because it was cheaper. Like, no, no rabbi or priest wanted to touch anybody or

Speaker 1 do a prayer because they thought it was an appropriate,

Speaker 1 inappropriate day. But, you know, time, you know, we've moved on, you know? Yeah.
Dr. Phil, I heard there's a rumor on the internet that you're converting to Judaism.

Speaker 1 Well, look, most rumors are true. Yeah.
Remember when there was that rumor that Tom Hanks was snorting ibuprofen in the back of a Chuck E. Cheese? I heard that.
Yay. Yes.
I remember that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you guys are good at improv.

Speaker 1 But my favorite.

Speaker 1 Oh, hey, guys. You did say yes.
Yeah, yeah. We said yes.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what fucking improv is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bob, I love you. And about that rumor, Andrew, is, look, I've been to quite a few bar mitzvahs, only a few bot mitzvahs.
I'd like to get more bot mitzvah invites in 2025.

Speaker 1 But I've, you know, have I been to a circumcision? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Have I fucked a fat Jewish gal? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Have I had a Kegel or Kugel? Kugel?

Speaker 1 Cougar?

Speaker 1 Well, I've had cougar, but

Speaker 1 Kugel is the noodle. It's a Passover food.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. It's the Jew food that's like squishy fish.
Oh, oh, Kugel. It's like lasagna for Jews.
It's called, I said Kegel. We'll edit this out.
I meant Kugel. So I've done it all.
So

Speaker 1 I figure, why not just jump in to the deep and without a life preserver? I've swam with sharks. You know, I've done a dolphin mating call just to impress a girl that I thought was a guy.

Speaker 1 What's it? We'd like to hear it. The dolphin mating call? Well, this will be the first time I've ever done it live.
So apologies if it's not spot on. But basically,

Speaker 1 it was a girl that I thought was a guy, and my friend said, you know, he's really into dolphins. Excuse me, Dr.
Phil Holton. I'm going to be a dolphin.
I'll be a male dog. I'll be a female dolphin.

Speaker 1 Oh, I love this. Okay.
Because I can do that. So, okay, yeah.
I have the ability to, you know, trans, you know. No, I've seen the dictator.
You've got trans.

Speaker 1 What? Not trans? No, this. I didn't say this is it.

Speaker 1 So let's just take it back a sec, Bobby.

Speaker 1 Whatever. Okay.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 Can I just. Okay, ready?

Speaker 1 Right. Okay.

Speaker 1 That's it. That's it.
How good are we at improv now, Dr. Fitz?

Speaker 1 Welcome to the chat. I would actually love.

Speaker 1 Dude. I would love to.
We should have an improv group. We should go.

Speaker 1 Amazing, dude. Here we go.
What would be the name of our, if this was the fourth thing? And by the way, people would come watch this forson, okay?

Speaker 1 Whether it was to change a light bulb or put our fingers inside of each other or take a suggestion from a crowd. I think it should be called Doctor's Orders.
Oh, my God. Nice.
Doctor's orders.

Speaker 1 You could come out and document. You do it in the lab coming.

Speaker 1 I think. You do Dolphin.

Speaker 1 Okay. No, no.

Speaker 1 That's a dad.

Speaker 1 That guy's never seen a dolphin. Never seen a dolphin in your life.
That was a kid being trapped in one of those Nordstrom raps. You know, when kids used to hide under the clothes?

Speaker 1 That was the kid calling for his mom. Exactly.

Speaker 1 Shut up, Bobby. Shut up.
There was a kidnapper under the clothes trying to cover. Go ahead, Bobby.
I don't remember when kids try to hide under the clothes. Why not? I don't know.
Did you ever go?

Speaker 1 Do you ever do that? Well, yeah. Hide Hide under the clothes.
You went to the clothes. The department store, they had these roads, there's these circular.
Circular. Oh, I did that.

Speaker 1 Remember the racket clothes? I did that. I did that.
That's how I would hide from my mom's boyfriends.

Speaker 1 Wait, well, hold on, hold on a second. That's what I'm talking about.
Exactly. Preach.
Wait a minute.

Speaker 1 Your mom, your dad owned.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I remember a guy. What was it called? Fashion Gal.
Fashion Gal.

Speaker 1 Really? Let Dr. Phil sit with that.
Fashion Gal.

Speaker 1 You didn't ever go to a fashion gal? Well, I did, but not the shop. Oh, sick.
Oh, that's good. Now, what kind of clothes and women? Who was the clientele? What was the fat ethnic women? Yep.

Speaker 1 I was going to guess that, but I want you to say it. Samoans.

Speaker 1 Lane Bryant for like Samoans and stuff. Got it.
Lane Bryant. Now, is Lane Bryant based on a true story? Like, is this shop, is that actually some tub? Like, is there a real Lane?

Speaker 1 Like, if you're a woman, your name is Elaine, you're already 0 for 2. Lane Bryant.
But Bryant, it's like, I think of Lane Bryant. I think of Bryant Park.
I think of Kobe Bryant.

Speaker 1 So I'm thinking of Big Stuff. Yeah.
Right. There's Fashion Gal right there.
Yeah, my parents owned that. Are you sure that wasn't a rubband tug? That's what it looked like.
Whoa. It really does.

Speaker 1 I mean, look at the font. That's a rubband tug font.
Tell me that's your dad's jag out front. Did your dad drive a jag? No.
That's my Mazda Miata to the right. How is that on there? That's weird.

Speaker 1 This is a photo of someone who took this a fashion gal who's a huge fan and sad that it's gone. Yeah.
That's what it is. The R.I.P.
Fashion Gal. Rest in peace, Fashion Gal.

Speaker 1 And while we're at it, R.I.P.

Speaker 1 Betty White. Yes.

Speaker 1 Can we just... In the last.

Speaker 1 Is she dead? No, she died. Oh, she died.
Pretty sure. She is in that category of like her Bob Barker, also R.I.P.
R.I.P.

Speaker 1 And look, it's not just the Whites that are leaving us, but I think that there's something about what she did. Almost 100, right? Mm-hmm.
No, 101. I can't do math.
What is that? She's 99. 99.
99.

Speaker 1 Again. The other way around.

Speaker 1 If you get to. She died in Brentwood.
She was killed by O.J.

Speaker 1 What if OJ was,

Speaker 1 wouldn't that be great if he was like, I swear I didn't do the first one, but this one was all me.

Speaker 1 I killed Betty White?

Speaker 1 Dude, unbelievable. She's fashion gal.
She would shop at Fashion Gal. She definitely would.
100%.

Speaker 1 You know what? I just saw today?

Speaker 1 Motley Cruz's private plane crashed. I know.
Today. Into what? Nobody was on it.
Into another plane. No, no.
Somebody's girlfriend, Vince Neal's girlfriend, was on it. Oh, shit.
And the pilot died.

Speaker 1 They all lived. Dude, this is like the fifth plane.

Speaker 1 I'm freaking the fuck out.

Speaker 1 What the hell?

Speaker 1 Look, I'm about to John Madden everywhere and just get on a fucking greyhound. Buddy,

Speaker 1 he was smart. He was very smart.
This just crashed. Was this today or yesterday? Wait, why? Yesterday.
Like they ran out of gas in the sky? They landed. They landed.

Speaker 1 It skidded off. Something happened with the landing gear and it hit another plane and the pilot died.
People on board did not die. And it was Vince's girlfriend.
Is that what it says? Did she die?

Speaker 1 No, no. They're alive.
The pilot's the only one that died. Just the pilot died.
Crew remember killed when small jet owned by Vince Neal crashed into a plane upon landing in Arizona.

Speaker 1 But how does this happen? How does this keep happening over the last... See, I'm getting a little scared.
It feels like way too cool. Well, we fired everybody who works at the airport.

Speaker 1 yeah builds planes that was on purpose even the even the gal at south well they were fucking migrants but

Speaker 1 but but the drones

Speaker 1 drones kidding you think that that's connected to drones and the planes going down neil's girlfriend and her friend were arriving on the plane and were injured um i'm flying out to boston tomorrow so this is exciting all right let's change the mood you guys seen oppenheimer love loved it

Speaker 1 love good segue dad dr phil loved it yeah

Speaker 1 yeah yeah i'll watch anything with rdj rubber danny same uh What about RFK? You watch anything with him? I'm working on my RFK impression. Let me hear it.

Speaker 1 My

Speaker 1 small fried.

Speaker 1 Pretty good. I like that.

Speaker 1 Whopper Jr.

Speaker 1 It's not for me. I'm trying to lose weight.
It's for the worm inside my head.

Speaker 1 There was a comic. There was a comic the other day.
All right.

Speaker 1 We'll cut that. Dr.

Speaker 1 You know what? Leave it in. Leave it in.
Clip it. Clip it, and I'll send it to him on Facebook.

Speaker 1 There was a comic, a black comic, and I don't hear what LC said. Godfrey? But he goes, yeah, probably.
But

Speaker 1 he goes, yeah. He was like, RFK.
He was like, I like that motherfucker, but he sounds like he's talking into a massage chair.

Speaker 1 Wait, that's so funny.

Speaker 1 So funny.

Speaker 1 There's certain lines like that that are just so. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm a big, just like, I don't need a setup or a premise. Just give me something like that.
Give me some jazz like that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was jazz comedy. One shot Zinger.
Yeah. Beep, bop, boop, bop.
That was jazz comedy. Yeah,

Speaker 1 not just because he was a black comic. No,

Speaker 1 it was going to do jazz comedy, too. 100%.
Mitch Hedberg was the king of jazz comedy. Oh, my God.
That was a jazz comic.

Speaker 1 Are you going to try? Are you doing stand-up now, Dr. Phil? There's a rumor that.
Well, we're doing a live tour, adamraycomedy.com for tickets. Who's that? Is that your agent? Yeah, it sounds like it.

Speaker 1 No, it's just the producer of the show. He also brings me crustables when I'm hungry.
Love. But we're doing a big national city theater tour.
Yeah, you can go ahead and cut tour right there.

Speaker 1 We're going to

Speaker 1 go back. Denver, Chicago, Boston, Atlanta last year.
You put your agent on the main page there. He bended me $100.
Sounds like a move.

Speaker 1 I got enough cash, so now it's just about helping others out. You are flush with cash now, Dr.
Phil. Dude, that guy, go back there.

Speaker 1 This guy, because that's your agent, that guy just looks like a fucking gay dude from Seattle. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right. That's your agent.
Normally they're like Jewy guys, but this guy's just literally like a fucking fucking bad guy. Well, you can be both.
You can be Jewy and gay. He just looks like 25.
Like a

Speaker 1 cuzling homo from Seattle.

Speaker 1 Look at the way he's leaning on that thing. It's almost like he's leaning on a cock.
Oh, yeah, like just to see it. And out of mouth, he just saw a guy take his shirt off, you know? Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 He's like, oh, look at that set of... Look at that chip.
Oh, just like, he looks like he's just on his knees in the public market.

Speaker 1 He looks like

Speaker 1 he looks like Fancy was on the balcony and goes, would you like to attack my penis?

Speaker 1 And then Adam goes, no, I'm good. And then he kept pulling him down and he goes, on second thought.
Yeah, let it happen. Let it happen.
Right. Anyway, big national theater tour, yeah.
Great.

Speaker 1 Surprise guests everywhere. They're all selling out.
So just go get your tickets and bring your family. While you still can.
While you still can. Dr.

Speaker 1 Phil, I'm surprised you're still doing this, you're touring around because, and you're going all the way till October. Well, no, we're going till about July.

Speaker 1 October is where I think I put my dates on Adam Ray's stand-up dates. He's got a big fall stand-up tour, but the Dr.
Phil show goes through July.

Speaker 1 I think we end in Reno, Reno, as you do, at the Grand Sierra Resort and Come Factory or whatever. God bless us.
God bless us. Weren't we supposed to do Dr.
Phil?

Speaker 1 I think you guys are. Well, the guests aren't announced, but you guys are on one.
Well, are we? I don't know. Do you know? I have no idea.
We'll find out. We'll find out.

Speaker 1 We'll be right back. We'll keep her out here, but I think we can

Speaker 1 figure it out. You got to go to Boston tomorrow, and then once you get back from that,

Speaker 1 we'll talk. Dude, I had a harrowing moment in Vegas.

Speaker 1 honestly one of the saddest things i've ever seen i was recently i just got back yesterday i'm sitting at a table i was like i'm gonna gamble before i go do this gig and

Speaker 1 i'm i'm sitting at the table and this guy was so blacked out and i mean like couldn't really he was barely there and i'm seeing him i'm looking at his chip stack and i'm like oh my god dude he's got thousand dollar chips right and then he's got he's got the casino gives you credits right so they're throwing him twenty five thousand dollar chip credits when he runs out of because he's he's running out of money he's just betting he's not he's smoking he's laughing he goes who's the new guy to me

Speaker 1 hey i'm Andrew.

Speaker 1 He goes, hey, I'm Chuck. I'm Chuck, man.
And he's smoking. He's hitting on the wrong stuff.
And then at some point, I said to the pit boss, I go, I got to be honest with you.

Speaker 1 I think this is a little unfair. And he was like, what do you mean? I go, this guy's betting $10,000 hands, right? And he's doubling down.
He's splitting them all.

Speaker 1 And he's losing 40, I'm watching him lose 40 grand, 80 grand. I'm not kidding.
Within, let's just say 10 minutes. Let's say 10 minutes, quarter of a million bucks out the window.
Wow.

Speaker 1 And he stood up, went and smoked. And I go, you're going to cut that guy off, right? And the pit boss goes, we're familiar with him.
He's going to be able to keep playing. Wow.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh, you're just robbing this guy. Oh, yeah.
You're literally robbing this guy.

Speaker 1 Oh, I saw a guy blackout in the Tropicana RIP, got knocked down for a baseball stadium to the Jesus, most and Holy Ghost. But he was throwing his roulette chips across the casino.
No, it was dice.

Speaker 1 He was doing craps. Threw his dice, blackout.
Like, imagine, like, just being like, what if you were trying to mock a child, right? And the kid was like, do you have a quarter for the Wii-Well?

Speaker 1 You were like, yeah, and you had it. And then you go, fucking suck your own dick.
And you tossed it. That's the way he was throwing the dice.
And

Speaker 1 the security went and got the dice, I swear to God, and put it back in his hand. Oh, yeah.
And I remember being like, he doesn't know where he is.

Speaker 1 And they were like, yeah, but he wants to double down. That's why there's no state income tax in Nevada.
Because of that guy.

Speaker 1 Because of that guy. It's the greatest country in the world.
Dr. Phil, you really want to be engaged with something.
Bobby Lee, a huge NFL football fan, big fan of the Super Bowl.

Speaker 1 He went out to Jake Paul's Super Bowl party. I heard.
To party with Jake Paul. How was he? Who won that game, by the way? I didn't.
I was on a playing back. What did you watch?

Speaker 1 You went to the Super Bowl Will Party to not watch the game? Yeah,

Speaker 1 I got that plane back. So you went to the party on what day? Sunday.
That's when the game was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you left during the... It started, I went, bye-bye.

Speaker 1 And I got on a flight. So you walked in.
Yeah, because, you know,

Speaker 1 I went there. Was that a dolphin? That was the dolphin?

Speaker 1 Here comes a lie, Dr. Phil.
Strap in. Okay, I can tell.
All right. So we went there to pod with him.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, when the party started, we got on a flight and we we went home. Carlos was with me.
He could defend me.

Speaker 1 What is he defending? I wasn't there to watch the Super Bowl. I didn't even know what the Super Bowl was.
You were there to drink prime shots with Jake Paul? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I went and did a pod, and then we left. Do you know what the Super Bowl is? Well, I know what it is, but I don't know who was playing.

Speaker 1 I found out Sunday, the Eagles, Philadelphia, and the Kansas City Chiefs. Can you do an Eagle?

Speaker 1 Yep, pretty close.

Speaker 1 It sounds like the Dolphins. It's like, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. You're a dolphin trying to fly.

Speaker 1 Go, go.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's that's very impressive.

Speaker 1 Let me really try. Okay.

Speaker 1 No, no.

Speaker 1 What about a chief? Could you do a chief? Could you do a chief? This is going to get dashed. No, no, no.
I can't do a chief. I've never seen it.
I've never seen it.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 That would be a good one.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Madison Square Guard is September 11th Prime Evil Prime Evil right here and right here yeah primeval do you see that no I heard it's fucking so good though.

Speaker 1 I got a Jake Paul question. Oh, my God.
Because I watched that fight with Tyson. And then, you know, they're big on the promo videos, right?

Speaker 1 They put out a video of him and Logan being like, I fucking, I was, I raised, I was born with this guy, and now I want to fucking kill him. And that

Speaker 1 got my attention, Chris. Yeah.
Because I've been dying to see two brothers just fight to the death. You know,

Speaker 1 Luke and Owen Wilson. Been waiting for that to happen.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Shit, I don't know. Name another brother combo.
Oh, Macaulay Culkin and Kieran

Speaker 1 Culkin. And Rory.
Do three way.

Speaker 1 Let him go. I need a three-way.
I need a three-way. Oh, what about Eric versus Lyle Menendez? Love that.
Love that.

Speaker 1 They give him a gun. They blow their heads off.
Loser gets their head blown off.

Speaker 1 Shotgun to shotgun. Alec and Billy Baldwin.
Yeah. That's a good one.
Oh, that's good. Now,

Speaker 1 where's Steven in that? He's with Corey Kulkin. What's his name? Rory Culkin.
Rory Colkin. Rory Culkin.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 David Hawking, Stephen Hawking.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 What about Barack versus Michelle Obama? Yeah,

Speaker 1 that would be a good one.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 how about fraternal twins? How about like

Speaker 1 conjoined? I'll raise you.

Speaker 1 I only know one. Those girls.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The girls that are tied together.
I'd pay, can I be honest? I'd pay upwards of $60,000 to watch them fight. Was it Brittany and

Speaker 1 Abby? Right. But it's, who has the bigger head? That's the person that's going to win.
No, it's not true.

Speaker 1 You do sidebots. Oh, okay.
That's very true. You have to do sidebots.
Yeah, all right. I'll take it back.
And what is it? One of them's married and one's not?

Speaker 1 One of them's married, but they both get to get played with, I think. Do they have one vagina? They sure have a vagina.
No, I think it's two. No.
They have one. Well, let's go to a clip.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And also this, you know this, right? They control their individual arms. Yeah.
Right. But they have individual legs, so they have to coordinate.
Imagine. So they're just constantly marching.

Speaker 1 So one person's going, right, right, right, right.

Speaker 1 I don't think they need to tell each other. Yeah, I think they just know.
In their mind. Yeah.
For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because they still got brains, Bobby. Yeah, I understand.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There we go. Look at that.
Imagine one of them. Here's a breakdown.
Not in the mood to hook up, and you just got to be there.

Speaker 1 So here's what throws me off. One bladder.
Right.

Speaker 1 And one urethra, but two kidneys.

Speaker 1 Okay, two stomachs. That's it.
Two stomachs. What are they? Like Jeff Ross.

Speaker 1 September 11th, 2025, man. This is straight off.
Oh, my God. I like the way you advertise.
That's it, baby. Yeah.
You go hard and then you go deep. That's That's what it is.
Fucking best, dude.

Speaker 1 So funny. Dude, that is

Speaker 1 crazy.

Speaker 1 So we should set up. Dr.
Phil presents

Speaker 1 family feuds, family fights, family real fights.

Speaker 1 Look, I'm trying to get out of the daytime game. I'm obviously in the nighttime game, but I would love to host a show.
I tried to host Kids Say the Darndest Things.

Speaker 1 We had this kid on, Nathan from Burbank, right? And he said the N-word in the first 15 minutes. Wow, wow, wow.
And he wasn't even using it in a funny story or context. Well, like Carlos does.

Speaker 1 Go ahead, Carlos. Yeah, Carlos, the floor is yours.
Thanks a lot, Carlos. Do one of those funny N-word stories that you do all the time.
Question. From Dr.
Phil. Oh,

Speaker 1 hold on. We have a question for Dr.
Phil from the booth. Fancy, go ahead.
Do you have

Speaker 1 at STK in San Diego? Did I? Or would I? What the fuck are you asking me right now? Did I? Did you have dinner? When? Dr. Phil, this is actually

Speaker 1 a really good question. Recently.
In STK? STK the steakhouse in San Diego. Did you have dinner there? Well, I've had dinner with MGK at the Olive Garden.

Speaker 1 But let's go back to your question: STK the steakhouse. I'll tell you why he says it.
We were at the STK in San Diego. We were.
And

Speaker 1 the waitress came up to our table, and she was vaguely familiar with us. Okay.
She didn't know who we were. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I was trying to do it in a nice way. How does that make you feel? Because you guys are pretty recognizable.
Yeah. And they fucking care a lot.
But what really bothered me, I took it.

Speaker 1 She thought it was Chuck Norris and Margaret Cho.

Speaker 1 September 11th. I had a fork.
I had a fork in my hand, and we said we're comedians. And she goes, you know who came in here was Adam Ray.
Love Adam Ray. We love Adam Ray.
That's what she said.

Speaker 1 And I took the fucking went, what?

Speaker 1 Dr. Phil's agent? Oh, my agent, yeah.
Yeah, your agent. Okay, he did go there.
It was, yeah, that's right. That's near the Ondas, right? It's in the basement.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 In the basement of the Ondas, and they have like shrimp tartare, and they got, they like light up, they put, like, put a Roman candle in your Kobe beef or something shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's all fireworks and charades and charades and charad smalls there. There's a lot of, there's a lot of fun flair.
It's like an exciting time to be alive when you're there.

Speaker 1 She loved Adam Ray. No, he took care of her.
Adam Ray was here.

Speaker 1 We loved Adam Ray. And then Bobby said, you know, look, we always leave more than 20%.

Speaker 1 But in this instance, he goes, let's just leave 20.

Speaker 1 Just 20 for this. I respect that.
Do you like to eat out a lot?

Speaker 1 Let's go to the phones. Bobby likes to eat out a lot.

Speaker 1 Every meal is out. Yeah.
He doesn't cook. I don't cook.
But do you order in or do you go out? I usually postmates or DoorDash. What's your favorite DoorDash order?

Speaker 1 Every day is a different day. I love that.
Bobby, you look like you eat a lot of chicken fingers and applesauce.

Speaker 1 You look good, Bobby. You do.
Yeah, so you're saying not fat. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 You've gone like this since the last time I've seen you. No, you don't understand.

Speaker 1 I'm saying that you have, you eat your fun the way you eat, and you eat like you're very young and youthful in the way you eat. You're not here eating quinoa.

Speaker 1 By the way, worst diet therapist of all time. You imagine sitting down with him.
He's like, you're not fat. You're just, your tits are getting longer.
Yeah, you're not fat, you're just young.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. So I had another one of those vomits.
So when we flew in from Miami, I went and got Chinese food. No, not because of China, but I took Ozempic.
I mean,

Speaker 1 we govie. Wigovi.
Who's wait, what? We govie. Is that Korean Ozempic? Yeah, it's Korean Ozempic.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, it's my Xbox screen.
So I was eating, I was sitting there at my kitchen. Korean Ozempic? Kitchen Take.
No, Ugovi. And

Speaker 1 I started eating the food. Okay.
And then I just.

Speaker 1 Diarrhea. No, the whole table was red vomit.
What? Yeah. Did you black out when you? And then I ran to the fucking thing and I vomited all over the fucking kitchen.
You were throwing up blood?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Bobby. Bobby, that's bad.
That happened to me when I landed. I went to McDonald's on Manchester.
Yeah, and I threw up while driving on Los Ciana. Yeah, so what did we eat?

Speaker 1 That's the last time we're going to PF Changs, I'll tell you.

Speaker 1 Crab-fried rice. Oh, that's right.
It was the crab. No, you might have got the noro virus.
They have that. No, no, no.
It was crab-fried rice. I was just going to say that.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, because that's how scary than. No, but we.
I threw up two. Did you really? Thank God, because I was like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah.
And the red was because of the Skittles.

Speaker 1 It wasn't the because

Speaker 1 I had like red licorice and Skittles. Yeah, yeah.
I'm concerned about the blood, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, it's not blood.

Speaker 1 Happy birthday to you.

Speaker 1 Happy birthday to you.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 boy. Happy birthday to you.
All

Speaker 1 bad friends.

Speaker 1 Happy birthday to you.

Speaker 1 Five years. For five years? Wow.
As of today? Today. As of today, this episode.
What kind of cake?

Speaker 1 Carrots. Carrots for me.
Yeah. Can I eat it with my hands? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. You know, he will.
We got it at the same supermarket that Bobby got his, you know. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. Pregnancy test.
Beautiful piece there. Delicious.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
But you really did eat it with your hands. Can you blow it for a little fucking asshole? No, no, wait.
Make a wit.

Speaker 1 Let's do it together. No, you're sick.
Go ahead and blow.

Speaker 1 What'd you wish for? What? Let me guess. Yeah.
Jake Paul.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 One's not enough. One Paul Brother is just not enough for you.
Get in there. Dr.
Phil, would you like a piece of cake? No, I'm okay. Come on, Atkins.
And now,

Speaker 1 being involved for anything for five years is a big deal. Look at you.
You're like a drunk chick eating frosted flakes at 4 a.m. So five years.
Let's talk about the five years. Five years.

Speaker 1 Pretty incredible. Five years.
I've never done anything for five years. stand-up, except for stand-up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I thought it was longer than five years, to be honest. You played FIFA for years.
Oh, that's true. That's right.
Yeah, I like it. I thought it was much longer than five years.

Speaker 1 You only started right in the beginning of the pandemic. That's right.
Yes. Exactly.
Congrats, Gab. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 We're very happy, and we want to thank the fans very much for coming along for the ride for this. It's been incredible.
And also, get that there's cake on your headphones there, Bub. Good boy.

Speaker 1 Good boy. Oh, yeah.
This is closer, September 11th. Are you going to lit cake up? He's going to eat carrot cake on.
I'm going to eat, you know, Bob Levy, Reverend Bob Levy, so you eat blue cheese.

Speaker 1 I'm going to eat carrot cake out of somebody's ass. Tell me this.

Speaker 1 What's on your rider for Madison Square Garden? Great question.

Speaker 1 Honestly, to be honest, I'm going to have pizza from my local pizzeria, Joe and John's Pizzeria. Shout out Joe and John's Pizzeria.
Staten Island? No, fucking Ridgewood Queens. Ridgewood Queens.

Speaker 1 What was the place where you took us?

Speaker 1 Oh, that was in Staten Island. That was that restaurant in Staten Island.

Speaker 1 After we were at the apartment. We had pizza.
We had pizza at that joint.

Speaker 1 It's in an apartment complex. It was on the first floor.
Oh, yeah. We went to

Speaker 1 Staten Island. Staten Island.
It was really good. I forgot the name now.
Damn it. They like it.
I'll always have that memory. I don't know why.
It's ingrained in it. I liked it.
I loved it.

Speaker 1 That was a pleasant day. Also, a wonderful day that we had.
Yeah, we did. That was a nice day.
It was a nice day. In Pete Davidson's old apartment, right? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yes, I remember that.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes, yes. So that, that, but I want, I'm going to have pizza, and I'm going to have Gusher's, tequila, gushers.
No, not Gusher's, Dunkaroos. Oh, right.

Speaker 1 We're going to have Dunkaroos, and then I'm going to have a cake from this German bakery that I love.

Speaker 1 Kanye. I'm Kanyeonza? No, well, it's interesting you say that.
It's a black forest cake. And the reason why I'm going to have that, I think it's simple.
Dude, sorry. Just say forest cake.

Speaker 1 No need for fruits, too. Yeah, that's insane.
It's a Kanye Forest cake. And

Speaker 1 I'm going to have it because this actual bakery, which is from Ridgewood Queens, which is a historically German neighborhood,

Speaker 1 remember when the Nazis sold out the garden in 1937? This bakery did the catering. Oh, wow, wow, so it's symbolic.

Speaker 1 That's insane. They sold out the garden.
They did. Oh, my God.
They did. And that's going to be my background.
Is George Watt?

Speaker 1 Wait, is this real? The Nazis? I swear to Christ. They did.
They did. Who was it? They did it.

Speaker 1 Who was he? Goebbels. Goebbels.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, this next guy coming to us the stage, to us, colleges and clubs all over.

Speaker 1 It's Hitler.

Speaker 1 The man you came to see. It's Hitler.

Speaker 1 Guys, he's backstage right now. He can't hear you.
Put your hands together.

Speaker 1 What is Hitler's come out music? What was his walk-up?

Speaker 1 What did he come out? The Aqua Barbie girl.

Speaker 1 He comes out. He came out to off.
Freak out. Freak out.

Speaker 1 He loved Nellie. He was doing.
If you want to go and take a ride with me. I thought you meant Nelly Fritata.
There you go. Kanye breakfast.
He came out to Kanye.

Speaker 1 He probably would.

Speaker 1 What a wild guy, huh? Yeah. Only Nazi t-shirts now? They're gone, though.
They took them down. We looked earlier in the podcast.
They're gone. So we were trying to buy.
Carlos wanted to buy one.

Speaker 1 So now he's got no merch. He doesn't.
Nothing. No.
Nothing. But yeah, he doesn't even have a website, but he still sells more merch.

Speaker 1 But I did hear if you guys still want one of those swastika shirts, you can go to a Kill Tony Live. They are selling them there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Make my mustache fall off.

Speaker 1 Dr.

Speaker 1 I got to say this.

Speaker 1 Of the five years we've been doing this show, a little bit emotional, reminiscing. Please, it is genuinely from the bottom of my heart the greatest thing that's ever happened in my career.

Speaker 1 And I mean it without any joke. It's the greatest thing that's ever happened in my career in my life.
And thank you to the fans.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 It means the world to us. Thank you.
Happy day.

Speaker 1 That's all. You guys are really, it really is amazing to see.
I mean,

Speaker 1 change our lives. You're the top pod.
No, we're not a top pod.

Speaker 1 We we're humming along, and I'm the people that come along for this stupid ride with us, it's the best. It's the most, it's the most, you know, Dr.
Phil, when you do shows, it's the best.

Speaker 1 The people that come along for the ride. It's wild.
It's, it's cultish. But what you guys have created isn't just a fun backdrop.
You know, you got diversity. Yeah.
You got characters in the booth.

Speaker 1 The guest always has fun. The table is proportionate to your bodies.

Speaker 1 The live shows are fun. There's a pube shot every other night.
That's right.

Speaker 1 The banter between you is maybe the best. And again, not to get emotional.

Speaker 1 maybe the best banter out there. There was a time when I was a big, like, you ever watch Sharon Lois and Bram? Love Lois and Bram.
They had great banter. Great.

Speaker 1 And then here comes, you know, here comes Sisco and Ebert.

Speaker 1 Man, but they were on the wrong page more often than not. You guys always, yes and you support, but you also encourage and you divulge in a way that most people can't, you know? Chris, take it away.

Speaker 1 You guys are,

Speaker 1 it's really amazing to see how you thank you for being a bad friend. And you guys are.

Speaker 1 Is that it? I thought we were going to sing a song. No, no, no.
We do. We have to sing a song to end the show.
I think we have to be singing.

Speaker 1 We are singing a bad friend. No, we do have to sing a song.
Chris gets the first verse, and then Dr. Phil, and then you and I will close it out.

Speaker 1 So, guys, this is a bad friend song to thank the bad friends for coming along for this ride with us.

Speaker 1 And two of our very good friends and special guests, Chris DeStefano, special out on Hulu, and he's playing Madison Square Garden Garden September 11th. Please go see him.

Speaker 1 New York City and the surrounding areas. Go see our boy.
And Dr. Phil, of course, represented by Adam Ray, his agent, Adam Ray Comedy.
They're both on tour. They're never going to overlap.

Speaker 1 Two separate entities. You won't catch them in the same room.
We love them both very much. Go ahead and take it away, Chris Estefano.
So, just a song about bad friends, the five years.

Speaker 1 I don't need to explain it, man. You should just be able to.
Yeah, yeah. I

Speaker 1 love

Speaker 1 to see bad friends. You brought together

Speaker 1 United States and Korea

Speaker 1 And it said it couldn't be done

Speaker 1 But you did it, hon. Dr.
Phil

Speaker 1 Boom boom boom

Speaker 1 boom boom

Speaker 1 You walk into a store late at night

Speaker 1 Looking for some gum and a Jew on you fight, but you don't

Speaker 1 You don't know what you got into

Speaker 1 So you fill your car with gas you get your ass kicked by the guy at the front

Speaker 1 station because he ran out of condoms

Speaker 1 and you're looking to fuck.

Speaker 1 So you gotta drive home with a boner filled with cum.

Speaker 1 Oh mom, what have I done?

Speaker 1 I've got nothing on the radio.

Speaker 1 So I'm gonna turn on my favorite show.

Speaker 1 Bad

Speaker 1 friend.

Speaker 1 Bad

Speaker 1 friend.

Speaker 1 Bad

Speaker 1 friends.

Speaker 1 Bad friends.

Speaker 1 This is a 50-50 podcast. Okay, go ahead.
And I feel like you think that you're the captain of the ship. I am.

Speaker 1 No, we're like the lighthouse. We're the two dudes in the lighthouse.
I gonna be china. Turn it off.

Speaker 1 Turn it off. Okay, it's off.
All right. If I was that Asian lady, I'd order.

Speaker 1 She almost a ninja. Oh, are you cleaning a knife?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What is that for? Um, I just bought it. Bought it.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What? Would it be funny if I fucked you, ate you, and then I walked across to the island as a resort?

Speaker 1 But I want to say this right now for the record. Yeah.
Okay. I like it.
You You look good doing it. Yeah.
I don't hate.

Speaker 1 I'm like, dude,

Speaker 1 don't.

Speaker 1 Anytime. Ha! Pull.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 for the record.

Speaker 1 Finance advice. Finance advice.

Speaker 1 I just saw a matador in my head pull of finance advice.

Speaker 1 Koreans didn't have slaves. Did Koreans have slaves? Yeah, Google that.
We were Korean. Korea had the longest unbroken chain of slavery of any society in history, spanning 1,500 years.
Fuck off.

Speaker 1 That's not what it says. I've had the longest unbroken chain of slavery of any society in history.

Speaker 1 Fuck! Holy shit. I'm not gay no more.
I am delivered.

Speaker 1 Wait, I have a question.

Speaker 1 When you were my age and you were pooing,

Speaker 1 does your asshole bleed lot?

Speaker 1 Let it sink in.

Speaker 1 Just let that sink in. Who are you gonna vote for? D-O-N-A-L-D-T-E.
O-U-N-M-E.

Speaker 1 No! Trump!

Speaker 1 See? It's some fish I cooked earlier. That's why it smells over there.
It's not because of young black men's bodies rotting in the fridge.

Speaker 1 A sex talk company, Taboo, announced a new line of vibrators with removable batteries. Finally, I'm not gonna have those embarrassing moments at TSA.

Speaker 1 Jules, you have to keep it. Oh, that is a game.
Yeah, one word. Yeah, you do one word.

Speaker 1 Word. One word.
One word. Everyone says one word.
Is that what it is? Not the sentence. You say one word, and then you try and keep the cadence of an actual story.
Yeah, yeah. You want to try that?

Speaker 1 Okay, just a word. Yeah, so you, Jules, you're playing, number one.

Speaker 1 And number two, this is how it works. No, this is how you

Speaker 1 work.

Speaker 1 We'll be right back. Who celebrates Thanksgiving on the second Monday of October?

Speaker 1 Who celebrates Thanksgiving? You know what? No. Why'd you raise your hand?

Speaker 1 Because I want to go first. Go ahead.
Go back. Go.

Speaker 1 Juice.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 That's definitely. Well, that's the show.

Speaker 1 We're canceled. Well,

Speaker 1 well, Jews.

Speaker 1 That kid is Chinese on the right. Definitely.
Yeah, that's Chinese. There's no doubt in my mind.

Speaker 1 We need a test. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Look at that. If you saw him on the street, you go, who's that little Chinese kid? Yeah.
Like, he looks like a Chinese guy that sells pineapples in the black market.

Speaker 1 100%. Yeah, yeah.
Can I tell you that a few episodes? Can I tell you about the totally?

Speaker 1 She's Chinese too.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Is that your Asian accent? No.
Why are are you doing this?

Speaker 1 I'm turning Japanese again.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 The grizzly animal. In Chicago? Your mom.

Speaker 1 Well, it's just a joke. Relax.
Yeah. My mother's very pretty.
She's a beautiful woman. Unlike your cross-eyed mother.

Speaker 1 You don't have to fucking get some. I'm not Bobby Mada.

Speaker 1 I'm Bobby Mom.

Speaker 1 I'm a simp. You be simping hard.
Hard. Out of a failed hope of winning some titled sexual attention.

Speaker 1 Oh, that felt good. So now I don't have to feel bad for your little heartbreak.
Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Mr. Herrera,

Speaker 1 what is it?

Speaker 1 How far away is this pressure investigating?

Speaker 1 She's taking out of an iPhone four feet away.

Speaker 1 Like, look Bobby in the eye right now. Let's see your confidence level.
Tell him to go fuck himself. Look him right in the eye and say, go fuck yourself.
Do it. Go fuck yourself.

Speaker 1 Whoa, that was so believable.

Speaker 1 I love it. Man, this is good.
I like this new rude. Do more, do more.
Look him right in the eye and do it.

Speaker 1 You're a fat piece of shit.

Speaker 1 Shit.

Speaker 1 Wow. Ready? Do you ready for another one? You're not my bud, and I don't respect you at all.
Oh, my God. It looks so real when she says it.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Woo.

Speaker 1 That was a good one.

Speaker 1 That was a good one. No, one more.
One more. One out.
One out.

Speaker 1 I like it.

Speaker 1 I like it. I like it.
I can't wait till Atikalaila leaves you. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, that one hurts. That one's stung.
He's getting hit a little bit. Fuck.
Wow. I'm in the middle there.
Look, zoom in. Zoom in.
Zoom in. Oh, bar.

Speaker 1 Ancient crane technique. If too right, no can defend.
I

Speaker 1 how tall are you? 5'3. There's no way.

Speaker 1 What? Who's taller than you or I?

Speaker 1 That's a good question. I'm 5'2.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I'm 5'2 ⁇ .

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bro, you, bro.
You're five foot. No, don't do that.

Speaker 1 And then I plug in my iPhone whenever I have a phone, right? Samsung.

Speaker 1 Samsung. Okay.

Speaker 1 Gotta be Samsung? All right, Samsung.

Speaker 1 Does it matter what kind of TV I'm looking at?

Speaker 1 Toshiba.

Speaker 1 Toshiba? Toshiba. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So I assume just by your thinking, I'm wearing a kimono. 100%.

Speaker 1 What else would you be wearing at your house? So just out in power.

Speaker 1 All right. Kimono, I have a sword.
A sword?

Speaker 1 And your hair is in a bun.

Speaker 1 Must be. And what's in it?

Speaker 1 What's holding your hair up? A chopsticks. Chopsticks, that's correct.

Speaker 1 Oh, you racist fuck. All right.
So you're wearing. For some reason.

Speaker 1 For some reason. For some reason, I'm wearing regular clothes.
You're wearing regular clothes at the liquor store. But when I get home, there's got to be a Montasi where I put the computer.

Speaker 1 You ever kiss someone of the same sex? Yes, I do it all the time. Once or twice.
No way. Or I love kissing people regardless of their sex.
Third. No way? Yeah, I've never seen that.
You've never

Speaker 1 sucked the dick, but never fucking. Well, why can't we make that the same thing?

Speaker 1 They're not the same thing.

Speaker 1 I I know you went to third base instead of first. None of us kissing somebody.
They're saying that something so sensual. And they're saying, Did you ever hit,

Speaker 1 did you ever hit a single? And you're like, well, I got a triple. Yeah, that's not what the question is.
Over the years, and you may disagree with me, I've learned a little move called dodge.

Speaker 1 You think you're quick enough to dodge a fucking elephant? Yeah, let me ask you this, right?

Speaker 1 You think they're like a race

Speaker 1 that stopped an elephant? An elephant would fucking kill you.

Speaker 1 You didn't even move.

Speaker 1 So I'm in the patio. You're gonna make me go all the way around.

Speaker 1 Isn't the point?

Speaker 1 You're gonna make me go all the way around.

Speaker 1 You're gonna make me go all the way around. All the way around.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. You're gonna make me go

Speaker 1 all the way around.

Speaker 1 Daddy, I love you.

Speaker 1 Daddy, why you die?

Speaker 1 Happy Father's Day, Daddy

Speaker 1 Daddy, you can fly

Speaker 1 Daddy, I miss you.

Speaker 1 Why are you dead?

Speaker 1 Daddy, I need you.

Speaker 1 I need you so much.

Speaker 1 Laying on your bed.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry I took photos of you you were dead

Speaker 1 and sent it to the hearts and what was in my head.

Speaker 1 You were dead, and I whipped out my phone.

Speaker 1 I can't fucking believe I did that, shit, I'm all alone. It missed you, Daddy.