5th Badiversary w/ Chris Distefano & Dr. Phil

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Thanks to Amazon Pharmacy and Amazon One Medical, healthcare just got less painful. Hey! Hey! Oh my God! I'm shooting my special.
Who's doing a special tonight today? This week! This week, I mean! This week! This Friday and Saturday, the 21st and 22nd, Minneapolis, Minnesota, I am in your city this week. Come see me shoot my special.
All but one are sold out. The Late Friday Show.
Come see your boy. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
andrewsantino.com to get tickets. And also...
That's right. I'm beans on toast.
Beans on toast. Beans on toast.
London, England. We're coming to you.
We're coming to London, England. July 18th.
July 18th. And Dublin, Ireland afterwards.
We're going to London and Dublin. We're playing the OVO Arena in Wembley.
No association to Drake. Yeah.
And then Dublin, Ireland on the 19th. We're playing the Three Arena.
The tickets are regular sale now. They were artist pre-sale and now they're on sale.
Regular. So go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets.
Badfriendspod.com You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. I'm so sick I can't do the podcast, but I can go to fucking Miami with Jake Paul.
Uh-huh. I'm so sick I can't podcast, but I can go to Miami for Jake Paul.
I'm so sick I can't podcast, but I can sit on a five and a half hour flight to Miami for Jake Paul. Interesting stuff.
I'm so sick I can't podcast. Jake Paul, I'm on my way.
I'm on my way. I'm so sick that I'm going to go to promotions for a bad friend.
Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. I'm so sick that I go out of my way to risk my life and my health And my family's lineage For my best friend Andrew Your family's lineage is in jeopardy already Don't even get me started This guy goes to Jake Paul's party For the Super Bowl and goes the day before I'm sick dude we can't pod And I say you still going to go to Miami No answer Yeah no Yeah, right.
He was always there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no answer. That's why he didn't answer.
Yeah. I'm so sick that I bow to the king.
Jake Paul's the king? Yes. Jake Paul's the king.
Let me say something right now, dude, right? You know, we're like in Game of Thrones, dude, right? I went to the Lannisters, dude, right? Oh. Right? When I'm just a peasant, I could get my head beheaded, right? I did it for our fucking, you our fucking You know Farm In You know White walkers are coming from the north Right Yeah And I risked my life and limb Right To go down there To bow to the king Right For us So that we get saved And he does this Do you understand Ring ring Hello Jack Paul Dude Oh you need me in meet in my Ramy? I'll be right there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who else gonna be there?

What?

Ring ring.

Ring ring.

Ring ring.

Dude, I love stumping you.

You fucked me up.

You know that you weren't that sick.

No, no, no.

And also, the night before, was with a lady friend hanging out with a lady friend didn't get that sick went on a flight jake paul miami okay um first of all our guest today is chris de stefano yay i like you i love you but when i say this right right um um Lady Fred always trumps work Yes Lady Fred always trumps work Did you bring us back Any Celsius What Any Celsius Yeah I got to order Did ZF Jake has something to do with that No they're prime Oh prime Sorry Did you bring back any prime Well let's get that back Because the joke doesn't work now Do it it again. Sorry.
Bring me in. Did you bring back any prime? Yeah.
I am no strafter. Explain to us who was at the Super Bowl party.
By the way, you hate football. Yeah.
Okay. You look like a football.
So Carlos went with me. You do have pig skin face.
Yeah. Just in the face.
I don't know, man. You look like a field goal kicked football.
Good. Sorry.
All right. Who was at the party? You look thin, though.
You do look good. T-Dog.
I mean real, though. No, I swear to God.
As soon as I came in, I said you look thinner than I've ever seen you. I thought maybe you're on some Mosebic.

He is.

Are you?

We go-vi.

We go-vi.

We go-vi?

Bring up the photo of him from his Instagram he posted on the set of Theo's movie.

You look good.

No, you really do look good.

Everyone I know is like, bro, is Bobby losing crazy weight?

I was like, yeah, dude, he's on it.

Yeah.

There it is.

No, no, no.

It's the next one.

He's standing up.

Look at that, dude.

Wow.

Skinny.

You look good.

Look at my belly, dude. Oh, I mean, it is yeah david spade does look like he has the hiv you look good and if honestly if i just blacked out the face with that hair and that outfit you look exactly like my aunt colleen shout out colleen you look literally exactly like my aunt colleen dude i'm already drowning on this podcast it's like it no it It's like I'm just being pelted, dude.
This is Hamburger Hill. I'm on Hamburger Hill.
There's no way out, man. What side would you fight on in Vietnam? You're on Hamburger Hill.
South. No bun.
What? No bun. Protein style.
Yeah, protein style Hamburger Hill. Wait a minute, though.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do look fantastic in this photo.
You look thin. You look good.
Are you being real? Your skin looks good. Yeah, man, you look good.
But David Spade looks even better. Oh, he always looks good.
He looks even thinner. He's twiggy-wiggy.
He's so skinny, man. He looks like he has Siskel and Ebert jaw cancer.
Oh, my God. You know Spade, he never overeats.
He never has a bad month. I've never seen him go, dude, I got to cut back.
Like you and I have phone calls where it's like, buddy. You called me, Santino called me and he didn't know that Jasmine was in the car.
He called me and told me that he had to get back in shape because he was on the road so much. And he looked at himself in the mirror naked at a hotel room on the road and he started crying.
And my girl heard it. Dude out of the shower i saw my stupid little ugly pale body in the they had one of those big mirrors right as you got out of the shower and i looked at it started crying yeah instantly was like look at my little penis my pale frumpy body and just bawling i was like i gotta go to the fucking gym dude yeah i just sad fat but on the road you're eating You're not sleeping right Like you're traveling I couldn't get the head of my dick Out of this tube What? What? What do you mean? Oh shit What do you mean? Here we go Here we go What tube? What? What do you mean? Well the tube is the stem The shaft Oh it went in Oh Yeah but I couldn't get it out Right It was like gum or something in it You're not circumcised i am circumcised that's what that's the tragedy that's the tragedy yeah yeah right right it was like a turtle right like his head couldn't get out of the shell yeah yeah yeah stuck right so then i had to do a thing where i was like uh like that and it made a sound like and it came out and then i held it with my two fingers so that it wouldn't like you know i mean dry that way you know yeah but look there you could see you got you got i don't know why i just shared that information because you were like you guys were sharing about you know being naked in the mirror and stuff right i just goes this is what happened to me i don't think i'm drowning i'm drowning already because it attacked me so badly no you never look good you never look good in a hotel mirror it's disgusting also by the way you're not drowning and if you do remember vietnam you ended up you guys ended up winning you know stalemate stalemate right yeah but that's a win if a tie a tie is a win are you gonna tie with the united states that's a win yeah man you love soccer that's a ties a win yeah i guess the tie is a win yeah yeah yeah well you know when you both come it's good yes yeah that's true right sometimes you you come right and the other person doesn't come That's right And then you're like I'm tired or whatever That's most of my sex life Your wife Muy bueno por favor Oh my god Yeah yeah yeah If she was I tell ya If she had a cock, right?

You'd be it? Yeah.

I was so nice to her at the Hulu party.

Yeah.

Was I nice?

100%.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I didn't like your face.

Why?

You think I was too nice?

I wasn't hitting on her.

No, she doesn't care.

I was just looking at her and going, she's so beautiful.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Very nice, very bueno.

She is gorgeous.

Yeah, she absolutely is.

You got everything going for you.

You got everything going for you.

Watch this transition.

Look at this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Special out on Hulu.
The guy is playing Madison Square Garden September 11th On 9-11 That's what it is Now are you donating any of the proceeds to FDNY? If we can get ticket sales About 7,000 Anything under that Do we get spots on that show? Yes, we should Do we get spots on that show? I swear to God, if you were in New York, you could absolutely come do spots as long as I could promote you. 100%.
Tickets are going good. Stay positive.
September 11th, a memorable day for New York City. Are you nervous that if you don't sell out, that you'll look like a tragedy? Like are you nervous that if you don't sell out that you'll look like a tragedy like that that's if you don't sell out the garden there's Bobby that's like a burglar from the 1920s that's the Hamburglar Hill yes no I'm not nervous because it's just been a dream of mine and it's going to be good and uh they say president uh donald trump might come seriously well because all the presidents always go to the 9-11 so they were saying that there's a possibility that maybe they'll come at night wow wow yes does he like you does he know you you guys know his son knows me trump jr Trump Jr.
Wow. He never told me anything about his dad.

When everyone was getting Trump on the pod in New York

and out here too,

they said maybe he would zoom in

with me. So I said, I can't.
No.

No one wanted to do this. No one did?

AOC, can we get her? Yes.

You should get her in and I'll come run in and smell the seat.

AOC, let's talk her? Yes. You should get her in and I'll come run in and smell the seat.
No, AOC, let's talk about her, right? In a club. Pass.
You're in a club. Would you go, sir? I mean, look at my family.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you would. She's found in that weird way.
That's what I want. If you're from any U.S.
territory, I want to have sex with you. That's what it is.
So I like girls from the U.S. territories.
Puerto Rico. Any trips to the Gulf of America coming up for you? No.
Swim in the Gulf of America? No. If you look at the map, I think they changed it on Apple Maps.
There's no way. They did? Yeah, look.
Only in the U.S. Only in the U.
of our boys, one of our boys in the group chat posted, like they posted it on Facebook, Gulf of America, like, you know, like proud, like, look at this, whatever. And then he didn't realize when he sent the screenshot to the group chat on Facebook, there was a comment from like this gay guy that was like, haven't seen you at the bars in Long Beach, big boy.
When are you coming back? Who do I send it to? Carlos. Carlos.
All right, I'll send it to you, Carlos. We will die and laughing when you just get caught being a pig.
I think Gulf of America, I like them wanting to buy Greenland. That's a good one.
What are we going to do with Greenland? Canada. It's just another.
Oh. I don't know.
What could we do there? Hot Topic Headquarters. Yes.
Is that where it goes? No, I want to do one there. We took over Green greenland what shop should we have there in greenland yeah smart what let's do it what shops will we what we do um i want a topic many like the warehouse see obviously a hot topic there yeah okay woo woo women yeah yeah i like that a lot yeah auntie annie's pretzels oh yummy uh panda express gotta be there yeah because Eskimos.
Could we throw in a Sbarro? Yeah. Sbarro.
Sbarro. What is Sbarro? It's the best mall pizza in the world.
Oh, I thought it was a car. Guess who'll be the fashion designer for Hot Topic.
We've got a brand new fashion designer. Guess who it is? Who? Kanye.
Yay! Yay! Kanye! Have you seen his website? Have you gone to Yeezy.com? Did you see a Super Bowl commercial? Bro, oh look, they're blocking the site now. Oh God, really? It's down? Yeah, it's down.
He was selling t-shirts. Do you know this for real? No, no, tell me everything.
Dude, I'm not joking. We can Google it still to find it.
Is it right wing? He was selling a white t-shirt. Oh, I'd say it's right wing.
Yeah wing Yeah Whoa He was selling a t-shirt With just a swastika on it

A white t-shirt

$20

Right

You gotta be fucking

No

I swear to god

No

Look at

Oh that's why I saw

I saw

Jewish people wearing

The same symbol

But with a flick off

Yeah to Kanye

Yes

That if you

He paid $8 million

To do a Superbowl commercial

In certain regions

Yeah

That he just filmed on his iPhone

From the dentist office

Yeah he was sitting in a yes that if you if you he paid eight million dollars to do a super bowl commercial in certain regions yeah that he just filmed on his iphone from the dentist office yeah he's sitting in a dentist chair yeah but that doesn't own somebody own that brand already the swastika yeah yeah hitler i think they're licensing it happy who has happy birthday hitler hitler yeah yeah he has happy birthday and he has a swastika no right yeah can he sue him i he probably that's ours he's probably it's probably in court right now You know he also owns The black happy birthday Oh I don't Let's sing it Cause I don't know Happy birthday Oh yeah yeah yeah Happy birthday He owns that one Nah yeah He owns them both Yeah that birthday Yeah I like that one Yeah I love all black You saw like Merry Christmas Yeah what is that Well it's like Jingle Bells is good, right? Black Jingle Bells. What is that one? I don't remember.
Yeah, you do. Do you do? I think you know it.
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells. Really good.
No, that was bad. Cut that part out.
No, no, no. Do it.
I committed my fucking throat crack. It didn't sound good.
Why'd you set me up do you sing black jingle bells uh

happy kwanzaa to ya yeah yeah to kwanzaa well shout out to kanye uh selling shirts with swastikas

on him dude what are you doing he says that it's the doing it's uh the hindu symbol is that what

he's not the nazi thing he said it's the hindu and that we're all assholes that he's just sending

a hindu symbol for freedom or peace or whatever it is If you had a record company Would you sign him? Yeah No be real No No You wouldn't I guess you're a startup You're a startup I'm a startup Yeah yeah Record company I would You have no Like band Singer You have signed nobody You have no money He's the guy And you're like He goes Yeah I'll sign with you Would you have signed nobody. You have no money.

He's the guy.

And you're like, he goes, yeah, I'll sign with you.

Would you sign him?

I would.

I could separate the man from the art.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I would probably buy the Cosby show too.

Just like the backlog of it.

Just do it all.

I support black-owned business.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's exactly right.

Cosby, Kanye.

I got every Diddy.

I got Diddy fucking oil. Yeah.
When I went on the website, I was like, there's no way this is real when it was still up. And sure enough, it was there for $20.
But I have empathy for him. You do? Well, he's definitely going through some mental illness.
Okay. You only get one of these.
No, no, no. He's done this too many times.
No, dude, he's done this way too many times wait wait so but he hasn't he hasn't addressed his mental illness you get one nazi explosion no you get one where i come from you get six right you get six nazi explosions where i come from okay so it's like where i come from you can't even you can't even buy a condo unless you've had a nazi right right right yeah all these shirts if All these shirts, if we traced where they went, they all went to Staten Island. That's it.
Yeah. But there's no empathy there.
I mean, let's be real for a second. Well, I get what you mean, but I agree with Andrew in the sense that if this was the first time he ever did this and he came out of left field, he'd be like, okay, let's get this guy to the hospital.
Yeah. But this is like the 30th time he's done something like this.
Yeah. He is musically though sure yeah just like hitler was a

genius uh in speech in free speech right but do you think his mental illness has to do with his talent huh like the reason why he like he's accessing things is i don't i don't know much no no yeah he's gone he's i think this is him grasping for reality and grasping for relevance because he is so lost.

He thinks this is how I get a pop again.

Dude, he did.

He... reality and grasping for relevance because he is so lost he thinks this is how i i get pop get a pop again dude he did he bit into the system he dated the most famous woman in the world made a family with her and then when he realized that he wasn't really making music as much anymore and no one cared about his music because other artists overshadowed him he was like well i need another pop so he does this just to make noise again so someone goes so we're doing this kanye kanye so it's out again yeah it's what it like that's why this girl dress in that like naked see-through lingerie on the red carpet yeah he trolls are around naked look open that up again look at that wait go back no no go back carlos this is this is to stefano's buddies post so he posted golf of america yeah and then.
Mark Elias wrote, bring your beautiful butt back to Long Beach. There's a short and handsome man here.
And we've always thought this guy may be kind of gay. And then so we said, hey, what about that? And then he just hasn't responded.
That's so funny. Because he thought he was just sending the Golf of America post.
Wow. What a dick.
Yeah, no, Kanye went. He went nuts.
And then he wears this see-through lingerie shift With this girl on the red carpet And that's what I'm gonna wear On Kimmel tomorrow Are you doing Kimmel tomorrow? I'm doing Kimmel tomorrow And I forgot I don't have an outfit I'm just gonna wear this Just wear that Are you doing stand-up Or just a guest? No just a guest Oh cool I'm promoting my special on Hulu Comes out February 21st Oh that's amazing Andrew's got a special coming out. I know.
Him too. He did.
Oh, and Bobby.

And guess what?

And hey, guess what?

One comic a month.

One comic a month for 12 months.

And guess what they gave me?

Black History Month.

God bless.

That should tell you something.

That they believe in me to get the black vote.

Not Roy Wood Jr.

They believe in me.

When has Roy's come out?

It already came out. It came out already.

Yeah, so they could have easily just given.

They could have switched you guys.

Yeah, but they could have given me my month January 6th

and they said they gave it to Roy.

They did a reversal.

They did a reverse.

Roy came out in January and I came out in February.

They're trying to break the norms.

That's fine.

And I like it.

I like it.

I like it a lot.

This guy's excited.

He gets to shoot his special at the end of the year.

Ooh, where are you going to shoot it?

I don't know what's going on.

Where are you going to shoot it?

San Diego, I think.

Has to?

Yeah?

Got to shoot it at all.

Why?

San Diego.

Well, that's... to shoot his special at the end of the year.
Ooh, where are you going to shoot it? I don't know what's going on. Where are you going to shoot it? San Diego, I think.
Has to be. Yeah? Got to shoot it at all.
Why? San Diego. I'm from there.
I was born there. I was raised there.
I've been a little stressed out about it because I've never done the special, so I'm kind of trying to map it out, but it's hard. You should shoot it at Poway High.
Yeah. I think that'd be the coolest thing in the world.
Really? Shoot it at the school that didn't put you in the Hall of Fame. You should shoot it on Hamburger Hill vietnam yeah whoa that'd be sick dude with one of those big straw hats yeah yeah powe hi we should shoot in the auditorium somebody asked me do you have a theme do you have a theme no what is it what do you mean a theme someone's like well do you have a theme of your podcast your special i go um i need a theme no i take my fucking clothes off and i dance around in my underwear for my clothes are what I do yeah I feel like is that an attack no yeah I think that doesn't attack dude yeah you have yellow teeth I do you have yellow skin that's true I do have yellow touché I think you should remember when I first met you When I first met you You still were wearing Those like boxer Those tighty whities Oh yeah I think you should have A big huge pair of underwear On stage Like stained underwear Hanging like a massive one And you're in the Bald sack portion And you come out of it It's me That'd be sick Oh wow That'd be sick.
Oh, wow. That'd be sick.
Yeah. When I met you, you used to wear tighty-whities.
Yeah, I know. I kind of...
You still do? I don't know what I'm wearing now. When I met you, you did.
See, you look good. You really do.
You lost... Wow, look at your fucking junk, dude.
You have a really, like, a relatively big penis and big balls. You have a big package overall.
Well, God bless you, sir. You're like optimum.
God have a nice package god bless you sir no you really do you're always very nice to me in the and i remember when you took me out for sushi in new york you're always very very nice to me what you know why why and i have i have a saying i'm gonna make it up go ahead um when you see brethren in other no no you got it oh thank you no is it. Can I get it? When you see brethren with two peas in a pond within each other, you have to really...
Yeah, good. Thank you.
Right? Thank you. Don't you think, though? Thank you.
But don't you think, guys? I remember the very first time... Put that as a shirt.
Poetic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember the very first time I met Bobby. We met on the Opie and Anthony show and he was very nice to me and he sat down and took me out right after the Opie and Anthony show and talked to me about comedy and how this is really hard venture to do.
And congratulations for getting into it all and all this serious talk when just moments before I'm talking about maybe 15 minutes before he was eating bull dick on Opie and Anthony. They had a bulls penis and he was taking bites out of it and then he was telling me to take comedy seriously 15 minutes later at a tgif fridays i remember i remember yeah yeah everyone in the almost everyone in these photos are dead yeah wait wait really vic oh yeah uh carl unfortunately that whoever that top magician guy is yeah he, yeah.
I'm sure he's dead. Yeah.
That top magician guy? Were you in the room with us when this top magician guy on Opie and Anthony? I don't remember. I forgot what his name was, but anyway, he has this trick where it's like a magical card trick or whatever, and then you're like blown away and then you're like points over there and the card was like on the wall outside the studio.
And this is like his trick, but he's got like someone who helps him do it, whatever, and like it's all distractions. And Club Soda Kenny, you guys know Club Soda Kenny, right? Club Soda Kenny, who was like the security guard for opening Anthony forever, because he just doesn't like that shit.
While we were all distracted over here, Club Soda Kenny saw the helper put the car to the wall. Club Soda Kenny took it.
The guy pointed at the wall, and it wasn't that. Club Soda Kenny was like, I got the car.
I got the car. And he ruined this kid's life.
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You ever see like the World War II United States like generation,

like Japanese propaganda, like to be scared of them,

like how they would make Asian people?

No. Just Google like World War II Japanese propaganda American.

Look at the faces that they used to make on these. I got it can find them.
It's fucking insane. I mean, this is one of them.
Little kids posters. That's the most interesting photo.
Look at that. I can't even look at it.
You, wow. Look at what it says.
Jappy's so happy when this happens to you. Oh, my God.
It's so racist. Give me another one.
I love them. Yeah.
It's so. What does it say? Watch out for the driver.
Those are fine. Dude, that's insane.
That's insane, dude. Jappy's so happy.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, yeah, they have so many. They're catchy.
Don't blab. Lose traps help the Japs.
That's what it is. Lose traps help the Japs.
So don't down go down a bit yeah jesus there's a bunch of them let's see if it oh my what's with the teeth yeah that's what they would do well they all got veneers early on yeah is that joe coy look at this this is their big slogan open trap make happy jap yeah oh my god wow oh did you ever see that like from the 80s that German commercial. Oh my God.
What was this? This is their big slogan. Open trap, make happy Jap.
Oh, my God. It's fucked up.
Wow. Jesus.
Oh, did you ever see that from the 80s, that German commercial? Oh, my God. What was this? This is the enemy.
He's carrying a passed out white woman. Oh, my God.
It's brutal. Yeah.
Or just recently in the 80s, there's that German commercial. It was going viral.
German commercial about washing a Chinese person. Oh, I saw that.
You ever seen that one? Yeah. It's crazy.
I don't know if we could play it, but it was nuts my god the kids get bigger and bigger oh my god yeah wash up early rush outdoor give jepp time for win war wow jesus that's how we used to roll i'd like to meet this artist yeah does he does does he do can he do bad friends flyers yeah can he do yeah oh that's okay that's my dad what it is oh yeah there we go the propaganda stuff is yeah by the way people are gonna look back in 100 years look at our propaganda we just don't know ours yet right i mean we don't know explain well we gotta have propaganda shit out there that's so digital under the radar we don't even know it's happening you know what i think is a big thing like that we're doing right now what top gun wouldn't that be considered propaganda for the military? Top Gun? The movie? Yeah, even the Navy gave Tom Cruise an award this year. But not the new one.
The old one, maybe. The new one's just fodder.
No. The OG one was- The new secretary of the minister of defense, whatever his name, the guy from Fox, wants the Top Gun people to do the commercials and everything.
Really? Yeah.. Well, the movie was great.
Right. It really was.
It was so good, dude. Yeah.
It was so good. Top Gun was, I went into it being like, is this going to be as good as Top Gun the original? It was just as good.
Maverick was so good. It was incredible.
It was so good. And by the way, less gay.
Because the first one, the thing I loved the most about it was all the gay stuff. Oh, yeah.
And they took that out. Yeah.
They took out all the gay stuff. I would be edging myself every time the plane went up.
And before they could pass out, I would just fucking. You would not as soon as they broke the sound barrier? Yeah.
That was me. As soon as they broke the sound barrier.
I mean, this was a gay love story. It was.
We've talked about it. What Top Gun was? Haven't we talked about this? This was a gay love story.
I never talked about it with you. It's 100% a gay love story.
It's an unrequited gay love story. I never saw it.
That's why it's called Top Gun. Yeah.
I saw Maverick. I didn't see the first one.
Bottom Gun. Bottom Gun.
You never saw the first one? I saw Maverick. That was good.
Wow. I'm shocked you never saw it.
Tell me about the gay story. Well, I mean, look.
They have these beach volleyball scenes, and it's also this love relationship between Maverick and Goose, right? No, and Iceman. Yeah.
And it's like this beautiful like unrequited love story they can't they can't be in love so he's got to pretend to like that girl oh i saw this right i remember he doesn't could you imagine that girl the woman who who was like in the first top gun she just got so old and out of shape that they just couldn't put her in the second one i know what was her name they had to replace her with someone else yeah that's gotta feel awful though she looks great no that there was another photo that's not no find a different one there was one photo i was like what oh yeah i mean it doesn't look bad is that the girl that wrote harry potter yeah yeah yeah god she was a dime dude i remember watching that being like the amount of movies that tom cruise made that i jerked off to like Jerry Maguire. I used to, I had that VHS.
God, she was a dime, dude. I remember watching that being like, whew.
The amount of movies that Tom Cruise made that I jerked off to.

Like Jerry Maguire.

I used to jerk.

I had that VHS.

All day.

That first.

When Cuba Gooding Jr. comes out naked.

Yeah.

Give me the money, Jerry.

Give me the money.

He's like, I'll air dry.

I'm like, ah!

My favorite was Rain Man.

Rain Man.

Oh, love it.

Oh, come on, Dustin.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I jerked off to that.

Jerk off to that.

Kmart sucks, right?

All fucking day, dude. Yeah.
Love jerking off to that. By the way, I just re-watched Tropic Thunder.
So good. I just watch it, just traveling again.
Maybe one of the best movies. Like, maybe one of the funniest, funniest movies I've seen in years.
Can I give a confession? I've never seen it. What? What? Oh, you gotta watch it.
I gotta watch it I'm going to watch it in blackface. He was so good in it, though.

Oh, yeah. He was great.

He was great in that.

Yeah.

Oh, Tom Cruise is the best.

The guy.

Did you see his during the Super Bowl?

He did like one of the intros or whatever.

Whatever that was for the pre-tape, you know?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, this guy.

He's just saying a beautiful script.

And I'm in.

He's the last movie star.

And he grew his hair out.

His hair looks exactly like Bobby Lee's hair right now. I don't know.
I think Timothee Chalamet is going to get there. No, in he's the last movie star and he grew his hair out his hair looks exactly like bobby lee's hair right now i don't know i think timothy chalamet is gonna get there no this guy's the last original movie star tom really is the guy i i know but eventually you think timothy chalamet is the future he is he is but i don't know that you can have a-list movies box office success like tom cruise had i don't know if any that will ever happen again i really don't google tom cruise total box office and look at his hair it's got it let's take a guess hold on tom cruise total box office i i'm guessing he's upwards of billions yeah i was gonna say five or six billion yeah i was gonna guess eight billion dollars from total box office success across everything go ahead mccone what is it 12 billion wow i got closer what i went uh that's insane.
A kiss from fancy. Oh, great.
Love it. Air kiss.
You mean again? Dude, $12 billion. Wow.
12 shmilly. Look, no shot at Chalamet.
He'll never reach that. Only because the box office isn't earning like that anymore.
That's what I'm saying, though. Relatively, though.
Sammy Jackson is still topping the charts with $14 billion. Scarlett Johansson.
What? Robert Downey, $14. All the Avengers movies.

Yeah, you got to remember.

These are the franchise.

Oh.

Oh, Zoe Saldana.

If you took away the superhero films.

Tom Cruise is the only one.

Right.

Wow.

And Tom Cruise is in no superhero.

Well, arguably, he is the original superhero.

Right.

Right.

It's hard to.

He is.

But it's not a family franchise the way that avengers is right avengers or avatar yeah avengers or avatar another gay shit okay there it is oh no ladies and gentlemen harry potter and two girls one cup yeah seen him been there said bob drew chris dr phil ladies and gentlemen let's welcome. Phil to the show.
He just popped in. That is unexpected.
Had to put my tie on. Last time, I want to be clear.
Can I get some more juice in the headphones, Bob? What's his name? The kid with the syndrome? What's his name? Whatever you want to call him. Yeah.
What does your mom call you? Fancy. Huh? Yeah.
Why? You look like a make-a-wish kid so fancy wow you're coming in aggressive i love it doctor well last time i was here i was riding a gummy a thc yeah yeah i think we can cut to a clip great you don't have it okay well last time i was on a gummy and uh and i felt like i didn't bring Even though the episode, I know, got some downloads. Hell yeah.
And some uploads. But I just wanted to be more myself today.
Good. Yeah, good.
Good to see you. Dr.
Phil, great to see you. Are you someone that dabbles often in THC gummies? I try to.
One time I took 80 milligrams of THC. I thoughtd though i was having some my apnea machine didn't work and so i popped in the uh what i thought was cbd next thing you know i'm taking my hoodie off and i got stuck in it for four hours i thought i was gonna fucking die i watched 19 episodes of naked and afraid fancy i know you like that show right yeah i want to let you know i don't know if you're aware you probably should be and you're very worldly and knowledgeable i like to be on the internet as much as possible i know i heard uh our good friend chris stefano here sitting next to you love you big fan you guys know each other he's playing madison square garden in new york city on 9 11 boy that yep 9 10 9 10 was taken yeah but you know here's what i love about you Yeah, that...
Yep. 9-10 was taken? Yeah.
But you know, here's what I love about you. That's like fucking your ex in front of your wife on Valentine's Day.
Yeah, that's what I did. That's what I did.
And I, you know, it's 9-11 that tickets are on sale. The pre-sale code is Hamas.
We'll right back that is a great uh first of all i'm a big fan i'm sitting here with three of the best uh comics working today but uh the garden that's uh you know i i once got a hand job in a secret garden oh yeah well it was the movie but uh 15 you know tmi yolo no i just finally got 9 10 was taken that was funny i just got i just clicked i knew a couple that got married on 9 11 because it was it was cheaper like no uh no rabbi or priest wanted to touch anybody or yeah or do a prayer because i thought it was an appropriate uh inappropriate day but you know time you know we've moved on you know yeah dr phil i heard there's a rumor on the internet that you're converting to judaism well look most rumors uh are true yeah remember when there was that rumor that tom hanks was snorting ibuprofen in the back of a chuck e cheese i heard that yeah yes i remember that yeah well you guys are good at improv but but my favorite oh hey guys say yes yeah yeah we said yes what i'm saying We're yes ending okay yeah that's what fucking improv is yeah uh bob i love you and about that rumor uh andrew is uh look i've been to quite a few bar mitzvahs only a few bat mitzvahs i'd like to get more bat mitzvah invites in 2025 but i've uh you know have i been to a circumcision yeah uh have i uh fucked a fat

jewish gal yeah yeah uh have i had a kegel uh or kugel kugel kugel kugel well i've had kugel but

kugel is the noodle it's a passover uh food it's a passover oh yeah it's the jew food that's like

fishy uh fish but oh oh kugel it's like lasagna for for Jews. I said Kegel.
We'll edit this out. I meant Kugel.
I've done it all, so I figure why not just jump in to the deep and without a life preserver. I've swam with sharks.
I've done a dolphin mating call just to impress a girl that I thought was a guy. What's it? We'd like to hear it the dolphin mating call well this will be the first time i've ever done it live so uh apologies if it's not spot on but basically uh it was a girl uh that i thought was a guy and my friend said you know he's really into dolphins dr phil i'm gonna be a dolphin i'll be a male dog i'll be a female dog i love this okay because i can i can do that so okay yeah I have the ability to like, you know, trans, you know.
No, I've seen The be a dolphin. I'll be a female dolphin.
Oh, I love this. Okay.
Because I can do that.

So, okay.

Yeah.

I have the ability to like, you know, trans, you know.

No, I've seen the dictator.

You've got range.

What?

Not trans?

No, I didn't say.

So let's just take it back a sec, Bobby.

Whatever.

Okay.

Yep.

Can I just?

Okay.

Ready?

I'm right.

Okay.

That's it. That's it.
How good are we at improv now Dr. Finn Welcome to the show I would actually love Dude We should have an improv group We should go Amazing dude Here we go We'll be the name of our If this was the foursome And by the way People would come watch this foursome Okay Whether it was to change a light bulb Or put our fingers inside of each other or take a suggestion from a crowd.
I think it should be called Doctor's Orders. Oh, my God.
Nice, Doctor's Orders. Come out and come out in lab coats.
You do a dolphin. Okay.
No. Those guys never seen a dolphin.
Never seen a dolphin in your life. That was a kid being trapped in one of those Nordstrom.
You know when kids used to hide under the clothes? That was the kid calling for his mom. But there was a kid.
Shut up, Bobby. Shut up.
There was a kidnapper under the clothes trying to cover. Go ahead, Bob.
I don't remember when kids try to hide under the clothes. Why not? I don't know.
Did you ever do that? Well, yeah. Hide underneath.
What clothes? The department store, they had these circular. Oh, I did that.

Remember the rack of clothes?

I did that.

That's how I would hide from my mom's boyfriends.

Wait, hold on a second.

That's what I'm talking about.

Exactly.

Preach.

Wait a minute.

Your mom, your dad owned a lady clothing store. Yeah, I remember.

What was it called?

Fashion gal.

Fashion gal.

Really?

Yeah.

Let Dr. Phil sit with that.

Fashion gal.

You didn't ever go to a fashion gal? Well, but not to shop no oh that's good now what kind of clothes and women who was the clientele what was the fat ethnic women yep i was gonna guess that but i want you to say samoans lane brian for like samoans and stuff got it lane brian now is, is Lane Bryant based on a true story? Like, is this shot,

is that actually some tub?

Like, is there a real Lane?

Like, if you're a woman,

your name's Lane,

you're already 0 for 2.

Lane Bryant.

But Bryant, it's like,

I think of Lane Bryant,

I think of Bryant Park,

I think of Kobe Bryant.

So I'm thinking of Big Stiff.

Yeah.

Right.

There's Fashion Gal right there.

Yeah, my parents owned that.

You sure that wasn't a Rub and Tug?

That's what it looked like.

It really does. I mean, look at the font.
That's Rub Rub and Tug font Tell me that's your dad's Jag out front Did your dad drive a Jag? No That's my Mazda Miata to the right How is that on there? That's weird This is a photo of someone Took to us a Fashion Gal Who's a huge fan And sad that it's gone Yeah R.I.P. Fashion Gal Rest in peace Fashion Gal And while we're at it R.I.P.
Betty White Yes Can we just In the last Is she dead? No she died Oh she died I'm pretty sure She is in that category Of like her Bob Barker Also R.I.P. R.I.P.
And look It's not just the Whites That are leaving us But I think that there's something About what she did Almost a hundred right? Mm-hmm No a hundred and one I can't do math What is that? She's ninety-nine 99. 99.
Man. The other way I run it.
If you get to 100. She died in Brentwood.
She was killed by OJ. What if OJ was, wouldn't it be great if he was like, I swear I didn't do the first one, but this one was all me.
I killed Betty White? Dude, unbelievable. She's fashion gal.
She would shop at fashion gal. She definitely would.
100%. You know what I just saw today uh motley cruz private plane crash i know today into what nobody was on it into another plane no no somebody's girlfriend vince neil's girlfriend was on it oh shit and the pilot died they all lived dude this is like the fifth plane i'm freaking the fuck out what the hell look i'm about to john madden everywhere and just get on a fucking greyhound buddy seriously he was smart he was very smart this just crashed was this today or yesterday wait why yesterday like they ran out of gas in the sky they landed they landed it's it like skidded off something happened with the landing gear and it hit another plane and the pilot died people on board did not die and it was vince's girlfriend is that what it says did she die you know no they're all they're alive the pilot's the only one that died just the pilot crew member killed when small jet owned by vince neal crashed into plane upon landing in arizona but how does this happen how does this keep happening over the last see i'm getting a little scared it feels like way too well we fired everybody who works at the airport yeah builds planes that was on purpose even the even the gal at south while they were fucking migrants but the drones kidding you think that that's connected to drones and the planes going down neil's girlfriend and her friend were arriving on the plane and were injured um i'm flying out to boston tomorrow so this is exciting all right let's change the mood you guys seen oppenheimer love loved it love good segue dr phil loved it yeah really little long yeah yeah i'll watch anything with rdj robert danny same uh what about rfk you watch anything with him i'm working on my rfk impression let me hear it pretty good i like that whopper jr it's me.
I'm trying to lose weight. It's for the worm inside my head.
There was a comic. There was a comic the other day.
All right. We'll cut that.
You know what? Leave it in. Leave it in.
Clip it and I'll send it to him on Facebook. There was a comic, a black comic, and I don't hear what else he said.
Godrey but he goes yeah probably but he goes uh he goes uh he goes yeah he was like rfk he was like i like that motherfucker but he sound like he talking into a massage chair wait that's so funny there's certain lines like that that are just so yeah yeah i'm a i'm a big just like i don't need a setup or a premise just give me something like that give you some jazz like that yeah just boom that was jazz comedy one shot zinger yeah that was jazz comedy not just because he was a black comic no white comedy too 100 mitch hedberg was the king of jazz comedy oh my god that was a jazz comic are you gonna try are you doing stand-up now dr phil there's a rumor that we're doing a live tour adamraycomedy.com for tickets who's that is that your agent yeah uh sounds like it no it's uh it's just the producer of the show he also brings me crustables when i'm hungry love but we're doing a big national uh city theater tour uh yeah you can go ahead and cut to it right there we're going to uh you You put the- Go back. Denver, Chicago, Boston, Atlanta, Nashville.
You put your agent on the main page there? He been with me a hundred bucks. Sounds like a move.
I got enough cash, so now it's just about helping others out. You are flush with cash now, Dr.
Phil. Dude, that guy- Go back there.
This guy, because that's your agent, that guy just looks like a fucking gay dude from Seattle. Yeah.
Yeah, right. That's your agent.
Normally, they're like Jewy guys, but this guy's just literally like a fucking wife. Well, you can be both.
You can be Jewy and gay. He just looks like a cum-guzzling homo from Seattle.
Look at the way he's leaning on that thing. It's almost like he's leaning on a cock.
Oh, yeah, like just a Seattle. In his mouth.
He just saw a guy take his shirt off, you know? Yeah. He's like, oh, look at that set of, look at that shit.
Oh, just like, he looks like he's just on his knees in the public market in Seattle outside the original Starbucks. He looks like Fancy was on the balcony and goes, would you like to suck my penis? And then Adam goes, uh, no, I'm good.
And then he kept pulling him down and he goes, on second thought. Yeah, let it happen.
Let it national theater tour yeah great go surprise guests everywhere they're all selling out so just go get go get your tickets and uh bring your family while you still can while you still can dr phil i'm surprised you're still doing this you're touring around because and you're going all the way till october well no we're going to about july october is uh where i think uh i put my dates on adam ray's stand- dates. He's got a big fall stand-up tour, but the Dr.
Phil show goes through July. I think we end in Reno, as you do, at the Grand Sierra Resort in Cum Factory or something.
God bless. God bless.
Were we supposed to do Dr. Phil? I don't know.
I think you guys are. Well, the guests aren't announced, but you guys are on one.
Are we? I don't know. Do you know? I have no idea.
We'll find out. We'll find out.
We'll be right back. We'll keep her out here, but I think we can...
We'll figure it out. You got to go to Boston tomorrow, and then once you get back from that, we'll talk.
We'll talk. Dude, I had a harrowing moment in Vegas.
Honestly, one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Recently? I just got back yesterday.
I'm sitting at a was like i'm gonna gamble before i go to this gig and i'm i'm sitting at the table and this guy was so blacked out and i mean like couldn't really it was barely there and i'm seeing him i'm looking at his chip stack and i'm like oh my god dude he's got thousand dollar chips right and then he's got he's got the casino gives you credits right so they're throwing him 25 thousand dollar chip credits when he runs out of because's running out of money. He's just betting.
He's smoking. He's laughing.
He goes, who's the new guy to me? I go, hey, I'm Andrew. I love this guy.
He goes, hey, I'm Chuck. I'm Chuck, man.
And he's smoking. He's hitting on the wrong stuff.
And then at some point, I said to the pit boss, I go, I got to be honest with you. I think this is a little unfair.
And he was like, what do you mean? I go, this guy's betting $10,000 hands, right? And he's doubling down. He's splitting them all.
And he's losing four. I'm watching him lose 40 grand, 80 grand.
I'm not kidding. Within, let's just say 10 minutes.
Let's say 10 minutes. Quarter of a million bucks out the window.
And he stood up, went and smoked. And I go, you're going to cut that guy off, right? And the pit boss goes, we're familiar with him.
He's going to be able to keep playing. Wow.
I was like, oh, you're just robbing this guy.

Oh, yeah.

You're literally robbing this guy. Oh, I saw a guy black out in the Tropicana RIP.

Got knocked down for a baseball stadium to the Jesus most and Holy Ghost.

But he was throwing his roulette chips across the casino.

No, it was dice.

He was doing craps.

Threw his dice, black out.

Imagine just being like, what if you were trying to mock a child, right?

And the kid was like, do you have a quarter for the wishing well? You were like, yeah had it and then you go fucking suck your own dick and you tossed it that's the way he was throwing the dice and the the security went and got the dice i swear to god and put it back in his hand oh yeah and i remember being like he's he doesn't know where he is and they were like yeah but he's he wants to double down that's why there's no state income tax in nevada because of that country because of's the greatest country in the world. Dr.
Phil, you really want to be engaged with something. Bobby Lee, a huge NFL football fan, big fan of the Super Bowl.
He went out to Jake Paul's Super Bowl party. I heard.
To party with Jake Paul. Who won that game, by the way? I was on a plane back.
Did you watch the game? You went to the Super Bowl party to not watch the game? Yeah, I got that plane back. So you went to the party on what day? Sunday.
That's when the game was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you left during the game.
It started, I went, bye-bye, and I got on a flight. So you walked in.
Yeah, because, you know, I went there. Is that a dolphin? That was a dolphin? What? What? Oh, you're sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was a dolphin.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here comes a lie, Dr. Phil.
Strap in. Okay.
I can tell.

All right.

So we went there to pod with him.

And then, you know, when the party started, we got on a flight and we went home.

Carlos was with me.

He could defend me.

What is he defending?

I wasn't there to watch the Super Bowl.

I didn't even know what the Super Bowl was.

You were there to drink prime shots with Jake Paul?

Yeah, yeah. I went and did a pod and then we left.

You don't know what the Super Bowl is?

Well, I know what it is, but I don't know who was playing.

I found out Sunday the Eagles, Philadelphia, and the Kansas City Chiefs.

Can you do an eagle?

Yep, pretty close.

That's good.

It sounds like the dolphin.

It's like, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

It's a dolphin trying to fly.

Go, go.

Okay, that's very impressive.

Let me really try it.

Okay.

No, no. What about a chief? Could you do a chief? Could you do a chief? Well, this is going to get dated.
No, no, no, no. I can't do a chief.
I've never seen it. I've never seen it.
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh.
No, no, no, no, no. That was you guys? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Just kidding. No, no, no, no, no.
Madison Square Garden is September 11th. Prime Evil, Prime Evil.
Right here and right here. Yeah, yeah.
Prime Evil, do you see that? No, I heard it's fucking great. So good, though.
I got a Jake Paul question. Oh, my God.
Because I watched that fight with Tassin. And then, you know, they're big on the promo videos, right? They put out a video of him and Logan being like, I fucking, I was born with this guy, and now I want to fucking kill him and that i got that got my attention chris yeah because i've been dying to see two brothers just fight to the death you know um luke and owen wilson been waiting for that to happen oh yeah um shit i don't know name another brother combo oh macaulay culkin and kieran kieran culkin and rory do three-way he let him go i need a three- versus Lyle Menendez Love They give him a gun they blow their heads off Lose it gets their head blown off Shotgun to shotgun Alec and Billy Baldwin That's a good one Where's Steven in that He's with Corey Culkin Rory Culkin.
Yeah. David Hawking, Stephen Hawking.
Oh, yeah. What about Barack versus Michelle Obama? Yeah, that would be a good one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, how about fraternal twins? How about like...
How about conjoined? I'll raise you. Oh, Ricky.
No, I don't even know one. Those girls.
Yeah, yeah. Girls that are tied together.'d pay can i be honest yeah i pay upwards of sixty thousand dollars to watch them fight was it

britney and uh abby right but it's who has the bigger head that's the person that's gonna win

no it's not true you do side butts okay that's very you have to do side butts yeah i'll take it

back and what is it one of them's married and one's not one of them's married but they both

get to get uh played with i think do they have one vagina, I think it's two. No, they have one.
Well, let's go to a clip. Yeah, yeah.
And also this, you know this, right? They control their individual arms, right? But they have individual legs, so they have to coordinate. Imagine.
So they're just constantly marching. So one person going, right, right, right, right.
I don't think they need to tell each other.

Yeah, I think they just know.

In their mind.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because they still got brains, Bobby.

Yeah, I understand.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There we go.

Look at it.

Imagine one of them.

Here's a breakdown.

Not in the mood to hook up, and you just got to be there.

So here's what throws me off.

One bladder.

Right.

And one urethra, but two kidneys.

Okay, two stomachs. Two stomachss what are they like like jeff ross september 11 2025 oh my god i like the way you advertise that's it baby yeah you go hard and then you go deep that's what it is yeah fucking fast so funny dude that's that is that's crazy so we should set up dr phil presents uh uh family feuds family fights family real fights i i would look i'm trying to get out of the daytime game i'm obviously in the nighttime game but i would love to host a show i tried to host kids say the darndest things yeah we had this uh we had this kid on nathan from like burbank right and he said the n-word in the first 15 minutes so and he he wasn't even using it in like a funny story or context well like carlos does go ahead carlos yeah carlos the floor is yours thanks a lot car do one of those funny n-word stories that you do all the time question for dr phil oh hold on we have a question for dr phil from the booth fancy go ahead do you have take your time sound it out stk in san diego did i or would i what the fuck are you asking me right now? Did I? Did you have dinner at STK in San Diego? Did I or would I? What the fuck are you asking me right now? Did I? Did you have dinner? When? Dr.
Phil, this is actually a really good question. Recently.
In STK? STK, the steakhouse in San Diego. Did you have dinner there? Well, I've had dinner with MGK at the Olive Garden.
But let's go back to your question. STK, the steakhouse.
I'll tell you why he says it. We were at the STK in San Diego.
We were. And the waitress came up to our table, and she was vaguely familiar with us.
Okay. She didn't know who we were.
Yeah. I was trying to do it in a nice way.
How does that make you feel? Because you guys are pretty recognizable. Yeah.
I couldn't fucking care. But what really bothered me- You thought it was Chuck Norris and Margaret Cho.
September 11th. I had a fork in my hand, and we said we're comedians.
And she goes, you know who came in here was Adam Ray. Love Adam Ray.
We love Adam Ray. That's what she said.
And I took the fork and went, what? Dr. Phil's agent? Oh, my agent, yeah.
Yeah, your agent. Okay, he did go there.
It was, yeah, that's right. That's near the Yandas, right?? It's in the basement.
Yeah. The basement of the Yandahs, and they have like shrimp tartare, and they got, they like light up, they put a Roman candle in your Kobe beef or some shit.
Yeah, it's all fireworks and charades and charades and charades and charades smalls there. There's a lot of fun flair.
It's like an exciting time to be alive when you're there. She loved Adam Ray.
She said- Well, we took care of her. Adam Ray was here.
We loved Adam Ray. And then Bobby said, you know, look, we always leave more than 20%.
But in this instance, he goes, let's just leave 20. Just 20 for this one.
I respect that. Do you like to eat out a lot? Let's go to the phones.
Bobby likes to eat out a lot. Every meal is out.
Yeah. He doesn't cook.
I I don't cook but do you order in or do you go out I usually postmates or DoorDash what's your favorite DoorDash order every day is a different day I love that Bobby you look like you eat a lot of chicken fingers and applesauce you look good Bobby you do you're saying that I'm fat you've gone like this since the last time I've seen you no you don't understand i'm saying that you have you eat your fun the way you eat and you eat like you're very young and youthful in the way you eat you're not here eating quinoa by the way worst diet therapist of all time imagine sitting out with him he's like you're not fat you're just your tits are getting longer yeah you're not fat you're just young yeah yeah so i had another one of those vomits. So when we flew in from Miami, I went about Chinese,

but no,

not because i put i took ozempic and the wake we govi we govi who's wait what we govi it's like korean ozempic yeah yeah yeah yeah also it's my xbox screen so i was eating i was sitting at my korean ozempic and i started started eating the food. Okay.
And then I just... Diarrhea.
No, the whole table was red vomit. What? Yeah.
Did you black it out when you did it? And then I ran to the fucking thing and I vomited all over the fucking kitchen sink. You were throwing up blood? Yeah, yeah.
Bobby. Bobby, that's bad.
That happened to me when I landed. I went to McDonald's on Manchester.
Yeah, yeah. And I threw up while driving on Las Cienegas.
Yeah, so what did we eat? That's the last time we're going to P.F. Chang's.
I'll tell you that. Crab fried rice.
Oh, that's why it was the crab. No, you might have got the norovirus to have that.
No, no, no. It was crab fried rice.
I was just going to say that. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. Because that sounds scary, the noro.
No, but we. I threw up too.
Did you really? Yeah. Thank God, because I was like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah.
And the red was because of the Skittles. It wasn't because Skittles It wasn't because There was no blood? Yeah I had like red licorice and Skittles I get concerned about the blood Yeah yeah yeah No it's not blood Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Oh boy Happy birthday dear bad friends happy birthday to you five years we're five years old as of today as of today this episode what kind of cake carrot for me can I eat it with my hands yeah yeah yeah we yeah you know he will we got it at the same supermarket that bobby got his uh you know oh yeah go ahead pregnancy test beautiful piece there delicious oh my thank you but you really did eat it with your hand yeah can we blow it first you fucking asshole right no no wait make a way let's do it together no you're sick go ahead and blow what'd you wish for what let me guess yeah jake paul one's not enough one paul brother is just not enough for you get in there dr phil would you like a piece of cake i'm okay my neck and now being uh being involved for anything for five years is a big deal look at you you're like a drunk chick eating frosted flakes at 4 a.m so five years let's talk about the five years five years pretty incredible five years i've never done anything for five years except for stand up yeah i thought it was longer than five years to be honest you played fifa oh that's true that's right yeah i thought it was much longer than five yeah you only started like right in the beginning of the pandemic that's right exactly congrats guys thank you so much we're very happy to thank the fans very much for being along for the ride for this.
It's been incredible. And also, get that there's cake on your headphones there, Bob.
Good boy. Good boy.
Oh, yeah. This is closer.
September 11th. Oh, yeah.
You're going to lick cake. He's going to eat carrot cake on your head.
I'm going to eat You know how Bob Levy, Reverend Bob Levy, he used to eat blue cheese? Love. I'm going to eat carrot cake out of somebody's ass.
Tell me this. What's's on your rider for Madison Square Garden great question honestly to be honest I'm going to have a pizza from my local pizzeria Joe and John's Pizzeria shout out Joe and John's Pizzeria Staten Island no fucking Ridgewood Queens Ridgewood Queens what was the place where you took us oh that was in Staten Island that was that restaurant in Staten Island after we were at the apartment we had pizza pizza at that joint and it's in a it's in the it's in an apartment complex it was on the first floor oh yeah we went to uh um um um staten island staten island it was really good i forgot the name now damn it they love that memory i don't know why it's ingrained i liked it i loved that was a pleasant day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did.
That was a nice day. It was a nice day.
In Pete Davidson's old apartment, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yes.
I remember that. I remember.
Yes, yes, yes. So that, but I'm going to have pizza, and I'm going to have- Gushers? Tequila.
No, not Gushers. Dunkaroos.
Oh, wow. We're going to have Dunkaroos, and then I'm going to have a cake from this German bakery that I love Kanye owns it it's interesting you say that it's a black forest cake and the reason why I'm going to have that I think it's simple dude just say forest no need to bring race into it yeah that's insane it's a Kanye forest cake and I'm going to have it because this actual bakery which is from Ridgewood Queens, Queens, which is a historically German neighborhood.
Remember when the Nazis sold out the garden in 1937? This bakery did the catering. So it's symbolic.
That's insane. They sold out the garden.
They did. Oh, my God.
They did. And that's going to be my background.
Is this real? The Nazis sold out the garden? They did. They did it? They did hit her.
Who was it? Gerbil. Ladies and gentlemen, this next guy coming to the stage, to us colleges and clubs all over.
It's Hitler. The man you came to see.
It's Hitler. He's backstage right now.
He can't hear you. Put your hands together.
What is Hitler's come out music? What was his walk out music? What did he come out? The Aqua Barbie Girl. He came out to, ah, freak out.
Freak out. He loved Nelly.
He was doing, if you want to go and take a ride with me. I thought you meant Nelly Furtado.
There you go. Kanye breakfast.
He came out to Kanye. He probably would.
What a wild guy, huh? Only Nazi t-shirts now? They're gone, though. They took them down.
We looked earlier on the podcast. They're gone.
Carlos wanted to buy one. So now he's got no merch.
He doesn't. Nothing.
He doesn't even have a even have a website but he still sells more but i did hear if you guys still want one of those swastika shirts you can go to a kill tony live they are selling them there yeah i gotta say this of the five years we've been doing this show a a little bit emotional, reminiscing. Please.
It is genuinely from the bottom of my heart the greatest thing that's ever happened in my career. And I mean it without any joke.
It's the greatest thing that's ever happened in my career, in my life. And thank you to the fans.
Thank you so much. It means the world to us.
Yeah, thank you. Gay! No, that's all.
You guys are really, it really is amazing to see. I mean.
Change our lives, man. You're the top pod? No, we're not the top.
We're just, we're humming along and the people that come along for this stupid ride with us, it's the best. It's the most, it's the most, you know, Dr.
Phil, when you do shows, it's the best. The people that come along for the ride.
It's wild. It's cultish.
But what you guys have created isn't just a fun backdrop. You know, you yeah you got characters in the booth the guest uh always has fun the table is proportionate to your bodies the live shows are fun there's a pube shot every other night that's right the banter between you is maybe the best and again not to get emotional um maybe the best banter out there there was a time when i was a big like ever watch uh sharon lois and bram love lois and bram they had great banter great and then here comes uh you know here comes uh siskel and ebert man but they were on the wrong page more often than not you guys always yes and you support but you also encourage and you divulge in a way that most people can't.
You know, Chris, take it away. You guys are.
It's really amazing to see how you thank you for being a bad friend. And you guys are.
Is that it? I thought we're going to sing a song. We do.
We have to sing a song to end the show. Thank you for being a bad friend.
No, we do have to sing a song chris gets the first verse uh and then dr phil and then you and i will close it out so guys this is a bad friend song to thank the bad friends for coming along for this ride with us and uh two of our very good friends and special guests chris de stefano a special out on hulu and he's playing madison square garden september 11th please go see him new New York City and the surrounding areas. Go see our boy.

And Dr. Phil, of course, represented by Adam Ray, his agent, Adam Ray Comedy.

They're both on tour.

They're never going to overlap.

Two separate entities.

You won't catch them in the same room.

We love them both very much.

Go ahead and take it away, Chris DiStefano.

So just a song about bad friends, The Five Years.

I don't need to explain it, man.

You should just be able to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love to see bad friends you brought together united states and korea and it said it couldn't be done but you did it hun dr phil boom boom boom boom boom you walk into a store late at night looking for some gum and a Jew on Jew fight. But you don't, you don't know what you got into.
So you fill your car with gas. You get your ass kicked by the guy at the front station because he ran out of condoms and you're looking to fuck so you gotta drive home with a boner filled with cum oh mom what have i done i've got nothing on the radio so I'm gonna turn on my favorite show

Bad I've got nothing on the radio. So I'm going to turn on my favorite show.
Bad friend. Bad friend.
Bad friend. Bad friend.
Thanks for being a bad friend. This is a 50-50 podcast.
Okay, go ahead. And I feel like you think that you're the captain of the ship.
I am. No, we're like the lighthouse.
We're the two dudes in the lighthouse. Turn it off! Turn it off! Okay, it's off.
All right, if I was that Asian lady, I'd already... I'm gonna chop, chop, chop, chowow down Take chow down To Chinatown

I'm almost a ninja

She almost a ninja?

Oh, are you cleaning a knife?

Yeah

What is that for?

Um, I just bought it

Bought it

What?

What?

Wouldn't it be funny if I fucked you

Ate you

And I walked across to the island

As a resort

And I was in Hawaii

But I want to say this right now

For the record

Yeah

Okay

Thank you. For the record.
Finance advice. Finance advice.
I just saw a matador in my head pull up. Finance advice.
Koreans didn't have slaves. Did Koreans have slaves? Yeah, Google that.
Korea had the longest unbroken chain of slavery of any society in history spanning 1,500 years. Fuck off.
That's not what it says. had the longest unbroken chain of slavery of any society in history fuck holy shit not gay no more I am delivered wait I have a question when you when you when you were my age and you were pooing, does your asshole bleed a lot?

Let that sink in.

Just let that sink in.

Who are you going to vote for?

D-O-N-A-L-D-T-R-U-M-P Duh!

No!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump!

Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! See? It's some fish I cooked earlier. That's why it smells over there.
It's not because of young black men's bodies rotting in the fridge. A sex dog company, Taboo, announced a new line of vibrators with removable batteries.
Finally, I'm not going to have those embarrassing moments at TSA. Jules, you have to...
Oh, that is a game where you do one word. You do one word.
Jules. Word.
One word. Everyone says one word.
Is that what it is? Is that the sentence? You say one word, and then you try and keep the cadence of an actual story. Yeah, yeah.
You want to try that? Okay, just a word. Yeah.
So, Jules, you're playing, number one. And number two, this is how it works.
No, this is how you works. We'll be right back.
Who celebrates Thanksgiving on the second Monday of October? Who celebrates Thanksgiving? You know what? No. Why'd you raise your hand? Because I want to go first.
Go ahead. Go.
Juice. Wow.
Well, that's the show. We're canceled.
Well, Juice. That kid is Chinese on the right yeah that's me there's no doubt in my mind we need a test yeah yeah look at that if you saw him on the street go who's that little Chinese kid yeah like he looks like a Chinese guy that sells pineapples in the black market 100% yeah yeah can I tell you that a few episodes can i tell you about the totally

go ahead she's chinese too yeah yeah is that your asian accent no why are you doing this

i'm turning japanese whoa the grizzly animal in chicago your mom

well it's just a joke relax yeah my mother's very pretty she's a beautiful woman unlike your

your well it's just a joke relax yeah my mother's very pretty she's a beautiful woman unlike your cross-eyed mother don't you you don't have to fucking get i'm not bobby mutter i'm i'm bobby mom i'm a sim you be simping hard hard out of a failed hope of winning some entitled sexual attention oh that feels good so now I don't have to feel bad for your little heartbreak. Fuck you.
Mr. Herrera, what is it? Yeah, I'm far away.
This is a private investigator. This is taking on an iPhone four feet away.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, look Bobby in the eye right now.
Let's see your confidence level. Tell him to to go fuck himself look him right in the eye and say go fuck yourself do it go fuck yourself whoa that was so believable i love it man this is good i like this new rude do more do more look him right in the eye and do it you're a fat piece of shit.
Shit. Ready?

Ready for another one?

You're not my blood, and I don't respect you at all.

Oh, my God.

It looks so real when she says it.

Wow.

Woo.

That was a good one.

That was a good one.

One more.

One last one. You want another one? One last one for the last one I like it I like it I like it I can't wait Till Atikolaila leaves you Oh my god Oh that one hurts That one stung He's getting hit a little bit Stung me fuck Wow I'm in the middle there Look Zoom in Zoom in.
Zoom in, zoom in. Oh, Bob.
Ancient crane technique. If too right, no can defend.
Aye. How tall are you? Five, three.
There's no way. What? Who's taller than you or I? That's a good question.
I'm five, two. Yeah, yeah, I'm five, two.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bro, you, bro.
You're 5'0".

No, don't do that.

And then I plug in my iPhone or whatever.

I have a phone, right?

Samsung.

Samsung.

Okay.

It's got to be Samsung?

All right, Samsung.

Yeah.

Does it matter what kind of TV I'm looking at or?

Toshiba.

Toshiba? Toshiba. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. So I assume just by your thinking I'm wearing a kimono What else would you be wearing at your house Out in public you have street clothes Kimono I have a sword A sword And your hair is in a bun Must be And what's it? What's holding your hair up? A chopsticks.
Chopsticks, that's correct. Oh, you racist fuck.
All right. For some reason.
For some reason. For some reason, I'm wearing regular clothes.
You're wearing regular clothes at the liquor store. But when I get home, there's got to even Montessi where I put the cupola it.
You ever kiss someone of the same sex? Yes, I do it all the time. Once or twice.
No way. Or I love kissing people regardless of their sex.
Third. No way? Yeah.
I've sucked dick, but never fucking. Well, why can't we make that the same thing? They're not the same thing.
They're not the same thing. I know.
You went to third base instead of first. I know, but kissing somebody so sensual.

They're saying, did you ever hit a single?

And you're like, well, I got a triple.

Yeah, that's not what the question is.

Over the years, and you may disagree with me,

I have learned a little move called dodge.

You think you're quick enough to dodge a fucking elephant?

Yeah, let me answer this, right?

You think they're like a race?

An elephant would fucking kill you.

You didn't even move.

So I'm in the patio.

You're gonna make me go all the way around.

That's not the point.

You're gonna make me go all the way around.

You're gonna make me go all the way around.

Oh, no.

You're gonna make me go all the way around. Oh, no.
You're gonna make me go all the way around. Daddy, I love you.
Daddy, why you die? Happy Father's Day, Daddy. Daddy, don a fly.
Daddy, I miss you. Why are you dead? Daddy, I need you.
Lay laying on your bed.

I'm sorry I took photos of you while you were dead.

And sent it to the heart since what was in my head.

You were dead and I whipped out my phone.