Sick In Japan

Hey, bad friends! I have only two cities left on my tour before I film my special.

This weekend, Boston, Massachusetts. Boston, I love you so much.
You've always done me right.

I have four shows at the Wilbur in Boston this weekend. Bring your loves out for Valentine's Day.

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We are. We're coming, dude.
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everyone on the internet.

Go get them.

Go get it.

Code his bad friends.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Oh, it's so good. it's so good to be free and an american american america america i love you did you see the protest this morning in san diego that's what i love about america how we can protest! What was it about?

They were mad at ICE.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, dude.

And then tomorrow.

Hey, are you going to not work tomorrow?

Carlos?

Oh, because of the protests against DEI?

No, no.

Tomorrow.

What?

They're doing.

Hispanics are going to do a no work day.

So what do you mean?

It's like every day for them. Exactly.
No No but you better not be working tomorrow dude I have to be here Yeah he has to work tomorrow Oh my god he's a traitor No I'm working I'm legal I'm legal The people that are legal are also protesting for their people Yeah don't you get it I asked about I asked about my maid in Houston, and apparently she's fine. She's illegal.
Well, that's good. Juanita's fine? No, Marina.
Okay. Listen, I want to say something up front, if I may.
That's wrong. That's wrong.
And one day we're going to have a Korean protest. Mm-mm.
Yeah, yeah. For what? What? What's the protest? No more.
We're not going to make bibimbap for a day. Well, what will we do without bibimbap? You know what else we want to do? We're going to dig back our kimchi up from the ground.
Unbarry it? So they don't ferment for one day, dude. Wow.
Yeah. I don't like that.
Yeah, I know, dude. You want them to ferment.
I like kimchi a lot. Right? Also, those girls at the karaoke, they're not working.
No. Yeah, dude.
Those glass girls, what do they call them?

Grass girls?

What do they call them?

I don't know, but let me say this.

Donald Trump, please don't get rid of Koreans.

Like, please.

Mexicans are fine.

Get rid of them.

Get rid of, how about the ones that came over here illegally?

Koreans?

The Koreans, yeah.

Do Koreans come over here illegally?

No, we follow the rules.

We're law-abiding. I i gotta say something while the woman who cleans the house sometimes your house i got scared because i thought what if she is she gonna get gone and then i asked her and i said uh i said hey you know if uh you know if i know how to blow the whistle you know what what do i do Yeah do? and she said I'm from New Mexico and I was like what? really? yeah she's from Albuquerque yeah it's so thick I had no idea well then she's lying she's a lying bastard okay you be me and I'll be here I'll show you how it went I'm you?? Yeah.
Good morning. Hey Juanita.
Her name's, just say Maria.

Oh, sorry.

Hey Maria.

Oh, hi Mr. Andrew.

You know, I'm very concerned about what's going on

with the Trump thing and stuff.

Okay, yeah?

Yeah, so anything I can do to help, you know?

Maybe more money first.

Wait, where are you from?

You're from Mexico, right? Albu how about curie oh you know john jones of course i did i did i do love her so much what would i do i said she could live at our house mine live with us last week yeah i gave her so i venmo her the money you don't give her cash no venmo gotta give him cash which what did though. Because they got to pay taxes on that.
I gave her 200 cash on top of the money. Ooh.
Because I never thought I was going to see her again. That's it? I swear to God.
$200? Good luck. It was like, hey, thanks for all the laughs.
Because I make fun of her when she's, you know what I mean? I get it. So I just went, you know, senorita here.
I don't know her name. You don't know her name? Yeah, I do.
I don't want to say it, though. This woman is like the love of my life.
I love her. She's honestly like a mess of my family.
Dude, I trust mine. Do you play games with yours? All the time.
We play hide and go seek. No, not those kind of games.
We play hide and go seek. And she never comes and finds me.
Yeah. Yeah.
She just goes to work. I go, Marco.
And they go, Pollo. Pollo.

Pollo.

Pollo.

Pollo.

Marco. El Pollo Loco.

But-

Let me say this, Trump.

Come on.

Do it.

Leave the Koreans alone.

Leave them alone.

Leave the Koreans alone.

Also, leave the Mexicans alone.

Nah, get them out of here.

Because now, check it out, dude.

Who's going to do those jobs?

No, you're not strawberry.

Oh, yeah, you'd look like you'd pick strawberries.

I love strawberries, yeah. I'd eat so many so many What would I You think I could pick cotton Do you think I could No How many little swabs I don't know how it works Do you go swab by swab It's swab by swab Is it a puff What do you call it Up up up That's a good Yeah how do you do it Do you use a scythe? No, do they do by hand? A scythe?

Is that a real word?

In Stardew Valley, we use scythe. Oh, scythe.

Yeah, to get wheat.

Oh, you mean like a sickle?

Is it called a sickle or a scythe?

Sickle.

Okay, what's a scythe then?

Dude, I hope to God that you read sickle as scythe.

I think there's a scythe, dude.

I'll kill myself.

I'm not going to say you're wrong.

I've been saying scythe for years, dude, because it's Stardew Valley.

Is it scythe? I know what a sickle is.

It's got a curve to it.

That's a sickle.

Like a Grim Reaper.

That's a sickle.

That's not a sickle, it's a Scythe.

That's a Scythe?

No, a sickle is a handheld...

No.

Like a hammer and a sickle.

Scythe is that, dude.

With a hook.

Scythe.

Right, that's a Scythe.

Okay, what's a sickle?

Ah-ha!

For once, I'm right, bastard!

Dude, I'm shocked.

You dumb-dumb!

I'm shocked. You're all dumb-dumbs, dude.
Slow down there. down there all right it's almost i'm right it's almost the exact same thing yeah what a sickle a scythe is just a longer handed exactly you don't use a sickle when you cut cotton you don't know it's a sky theater you fuckhead i do you don't yeah i get the ones far oh you know what i mean i pick the ones close and I get the ones far, dude.
Cotton is just by hand, right? It's just pick, pick, pick. Oh my God.
Can I wear gloves? I don't think so. I think that's part of it.
I think. I can? You know what I would use? Those gloves that they use in the football games, the gigantic finger ones.
Number one? Yeah. How do they pick cotton today? I do want to know.
I actually don't know. It's got to be a big machine.
I want to know how. A big machine a big machine that forks it up right today cotton is almost exclusively picked by using large machines called cotton pickers which exactly sounds racist but dude you know little white boy get away from that cotton picker but back in the day do you think in the 1800s do you think you and i Would be able to do it No way We would You and me We'd fold immediately You know but My back would hurt You would be sweating I would be singing Swing Swing Swing Swing Sweeter Terrier Dude you be singing with me That's the movie We should make.
Dude, you got to do the Irish song. You and I in the...
Irish accent. Let me start.
Yeah. Swing along, sweeter chariot.
Dude, we would get nothing done. We'd get nothing done.
And then you would smoke and light a field on fire on accident. Oh, yeah, yeah.
We would get fired. Oh.
Well, it's interesting. They never got little people to do cotton paint because it's so low to the ground you don't have to bend over oh that's good you send them out yeah go go go go go go go yeah yeah that'd be great it's crazy we could never we would never last if we weren't in this do you realize if we weren't living right now you and i would be fucked that's you know you know when people say that and i i argue against it what would we do in another time because i'm going to say something, okay? The way I am is because of the environment that I'm in.

Hear me out, dude.

No, you laugh at me.

You mock me, dude.

But I'm going to tell you something right now.

You know, I just do what's necessary.

No.

Yes.

I've always done what's necessary.

Bare minimum.

Yeah, but just survival, right?

Yeah.

Right?

So back then, I would do the bare minimum, but I would still be able to survive and eat and all that stuff so i would work you think so because a lot of people went starve to death because they did the bare minimum if you couldn't contribute you were gone you were dead bare minimum today you get away with anything you want okay yeah okay you know what i'm saying no keep saying because because bare you can get by, but you have so many resources. Back then, what would you do to get food? You're not going to hunt.
Yeah, but I would have developed a different skill set. What do you think your skill set would have been? That's my point.
I would be able to omelette. Omelette station.
No, no. What I'm saying is I would probably make...
It came out wrong. These days with the price of eggs i know i would i would have figured something else out i would also done like maybe prostitution so you'd hook yourself out i would do something that's going to be or you know i know what i would do opium then i would do something kind of borderline illegal right you know i mean right this way mr john you know i mean and i would sit them right and i would supply i'd have that supply chain going okay well that that's not the minimum That's good.
That's good work, I think. Yeah, he would say Mr.
John. You know what I mean? And I would sit down, right? And I would supply, I'd have that supply chain going.
Okay, well, that's not the minimum. That's good.
That's good work ethic. Yeah, it would say Mr.
Lee's. Mysteries.
Yeah, Mysteries. I just, I see the fucking font.
Oh, I see it now. I see the lights.
Right. It's like Vegas.
Yes. Mysteries, right? Premium opium.
Right? Discount for white. Wait, why? Just get people in.
Get them in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get the bodies in there. And I would say no, you know, the other.
Who's not allowed? Got it. I get it.
Like, guess who? Well, no hats, no loose fitting clothes. No, just people.
Oh, okay. Yeah, no what? Yeah, no Timberland boots.
I know what you're saying. Yeah, yeah.
No fubu. I'm going to have different things in there, right's gonna like make my your store shine what foot massages they got that i know i know but i'll do other things like um brazilian wax this is all going back right eyebrows you're selling your body manicures yeah yeah i'll stick sit on your dick all right this is all you a hooker this is you this all is just a front for you being a hooker.
No, it's not. No, it's not.
Yeah. That's last case.
That's first case. Case closed.
First of all, have you ever tried to have sex when you're on opium? Have you? Yeah, it's impossible. I'll have this.
I've tried to have sex on opioids. Yeah.
Yeah. It's hard.
Even opioids, it's hard. You can't get hard.
It's hard. It's hard to get hard.
Yeah. It's hard yeah it's hard so i would like if if some white burly guy was like jacked up on my premium opium like straight from like you know i mean oh the opium opium right from the opium yeah right from the opium straight from the tap right from it right and they're still able to go hey man let me get your butt over here you know i mean i would be like oh fuck this one i have to do gotta do it yeah yeah i saw a tiktok video the other day there's people just posting how to make cocaine on tiktok do you know this yeah i would they put it behind different kinds of music but there was like guys that were it was just like with music and he was just showing like the coca leaves in the barrel and all that stuff they're just now coca leaves are different than cacao cacao is chocolate right yeah okay good because i try to make it up but they're cousins really chocolate and coca coca cocaine coca leaves and coca chocolate i think are like cousin plants really i think so cacao and like cocaine leaves yeah because it's cacao leaves yeah co plant.
Yeah. It's worldwide psychoactive alkaloid cocaine.
So if I, first of all- And then chocolate plant is the coca plant, right? Yeah, but like before there was cocaine, if you and I were living in that time and you and I- Cacao, sorry. We were wanderers, right? Yeah.
We're just wanderer, you and I, nomads. Nomads.
And we saw that leaf. We wouldn't know what to do with it.
Well, they started chewing on it. That's how they found out the powers of it.
They chewed on it and it gave them energy. Yeah, but then who was like, oh, this would be great in a powder and up my nose.
Like, who came up with that? Who started cocaine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mexicans.
And how? How? Why would you think that you could do that? Like, here's what we're saying, right? Albert Neiman isolated an active ingredient of cocaca leaves which he named cocaine well that's like i found out you know how you know how microwaves were invented oh shit teach me there was a guy who had a bar of chocolate in his pocket and he was working near a a uh a radiator a radioactive uh radiator or whatever and it melted like because he was standing next to it and he was like oh shit are you being real right now look it up you made that up look it up how microwave watch the first microwave it was a guy he had a fucking bar of chocolate in his pocket and he it melted because he was too close to this radiator or whatever that's called i'm saying it wrong american engineer percy spencer spencer was working with a radar set when he noticed a candy bar in his pocket had melted he discovered the magnetron tube in the radar set was emitting microwaves that generated heat,

melting the bar of chocolate in his pocket.

That's how fucking dumb we are.

We find all this shit on accident.

That's an accident.

So all accident.

Yeah.

In therapy, this is so shameful.

I've never shared this before.

No, you have to.

But I did something in third grade

about the microwave. Anyway, can I, I was living in Minnesota and there was a girl that lived next to me and there was a rumor that she put a rabbit in a microwave.
Yeah. And it exploded.
A pet rabbit? Yeah. And when I found the rumor, right, I was so mad.
I mean, I never met a rabbit, but I just remember as a kid going, fucking explore rabbits, man. Can't do that.
Yeah. That's fucking bullshit, man.
Bad. Right? So every time she would walk by in class, I would go, rabbit killer.
And she didn't do it. It was just a rumor.
Right. And one time she cried in class.
calling her rabbit rabbit killer yeah yeah and then the teacher brought me on in front of the class and sat me down in the chair in front of the whole class and goes you're short you know what i mean you're little what how does that feel like he was belittling me in front of the class because i was making and i started to to cry. Yeah.
It taught me a really big lesson. Here's the lesson.
Even if it's a rumor, you don't say shit, dude. Keep it to yourself.
Keep it to yourself. Also.
What? Also that teacher. What? We got to get that guy.
We do? Where the fuck is he? Yeah, yeah. Belittling my friend in front of people? That makes you mad? That pisses me off.
I wouldn up with that shit really leave him alone you would have said that in class i would have been so mad if somebody belittled my friend in class oh yeah yeah i think now you can do it i've seen tiktok videos where students talk back the one kid is my favorite that's like instead of you you ought to be oh yeah i love that i love that i love that yeah that guy. I love that guy.
Yeah, yeah. Instead of- Yeah.
Yeah, what did he say? No, no, you make it up to me. It's like- Yeah, you know, Charles.
Charles, you know, you don't pay attention in class, right? And you're not putting your essays in early. You wonder why kids are failing.
Hold on, hold on, hold on. You wonder why kids are failing.
Let me get that over again. I'm not a good teacher.
You skip a few classes. You don't remember.

So, Charles.

Yeah.

You know, I'm tired of your attitude.

You come to class late, right?

You don't seem to, like, be interested in your book work, right?

And your essays are all over the place.

I mean, what is going on, pal?

You know, you don't really care about us as youth.

You don't invest in us.

You don't care about our issues and what we care about. All you want to do is get a paycheck.
And that's disappointing to me. And maybe if you showed a little bit more love to the students and cared about our world and what was important to us, maybe, just maybe, we create a better environment and a better future.
That's so good. You don't even have to look that up.
That was good, dude. I would never be able to do that.
Yeah, you would. No, there's no way, dude.
Do it there's no way i can't even all right try kevin kevin yeah you don't pay attention what's up says are late and i want to know who you think you are screwing up my class not paying attention and goofing off yeah that's what i'm talking about man your generation the algorithms your superiority man us kids we just want to learn by tactile approach by touching feeling right learning through our own physical experiences man there's other ways that we can learn you know not just analytical well you're failing i exactly but if you taught me the right way with love and empathy right i'd be able to absorb the information maybe. That's very good.

But the beginning, the algorithm part,

I didn't know what I was doing there.

I don't even know how to look that up,

but that kid was so powerful.

He had such a great speech.

I could have never snapped back at a teacher.

We never did that.

Yeah.

We never did that.

Dude, we got in so much trouble all the time.

You couldn't say shit back.

You couldn't go to the bathroom.

If you go to the bathroom, you're fucked. I have to go to the bathroom.
Too bad. Well, I'm going to have to go to the bathroom too bad well i'm gonna go well you're gonna i'm a student ready your teacher mr stevenson yeah you know i don't know what bathroom to use because i don't feel comfortable in the men's bathroom even though i was born male right but they're like you know i get stares when i go to the women's bathroom we got to do something as a school stand up that's it stand up that doesn't know stand up okay what take your pants off all right what that's interesting and scene even the teacher doesn't know yeah i don't know what that is yeah i wouldn't be a good teacher because not because i don't i don't know knowledge and i don't have any topic you got a lot of knowledge but yeah what what if i had to be forced to be a teacher at a school with the things that i know what would it be about well star wars you could do some sort of uh but i'm- But not that Star Wars.
No, but I'm saying you could do like- Star Trek. Star Trek.
Star Trek. You could do film or television theory.
You could do TV theory. Right? Production theory.
Maybe. Maybe.
Media, what is that? Media production. You could do that.
You could do an entrepreneurial class, a digital entrepreneur. You think so? How to start your own business on the internet.
It's literally your whole life. But you could do more than me.
The fuck I could. I don't know math.
I don't know science. Bowling.
Sports, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, sports. Golf.
Yep, I could do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know, but still PE, you could be a coach. I am a gym teacher.
A gym teacher, right? I would be a gym teacher. I think you would know about history of hip hop and music.
Yeah, but I don't think a white redheaded guy can teach that i think that needs to change i do too yeah yeah oh i could do probably um like more punk you know i mean art rock you know i mean the history of punk or the history of alternative music maybe i could do you could do all music yeah but by the way think about this now the generations below us how old is like nirvana to them now It's so crazy Think about that It's classic music now We have a radio station here in LA called K-Earth 101 And when I first moved to LA It was the oldies which was the 50s, 60s and 70s Now it's the 70s, 80s and 90s I can't believe it That's oldies The 90s The 90s is oldies 70s, 80s and 90s So is an oldie yes that's on creep yes how about i'm a loser by back oldie that's not an oldie that's a newie dude it's a goodie but it's a good way oh wow what's it what's a newie chapel rhone that's a newie fuck sabrina carpenter that's a newie wow we're oldie buddy oh my god i feel that would um harry styles be newie. Fuck.
Sabrina Carpenter, that's a newie. Wow.
We're oldie, buddy. Oh, my God.
I feel that. Would Harry Styles be newie? He's newishy.
Newishy. Newishy.
Newishy. Yeah.
Yeah, because you got to think. Remember that kid that was at the show? He was 16 years old.
You think of his world. We're old.
We're fucking old, dude. And then why does he like us? Because we're new.
We're newishy. We're we're newy she you know that song i don't know the lyrics but it's a harry style song what is this song?

Wait.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

That song?

Yeah, this is.

Yeah, I can do it in dudes.

I can do it in dudes.

I can't do it in, yeah, yeah.

I can do anything in dudes.

You're a true duder.

I'm a duder, dude.

Yeah, duder.

But that song one day, if that song becomes like an oldie I hangy we'll be Shopify oh my god without if you have an online business and you don't have Shopify what are you doing you're not doing good you're not doing a good job that's for sure because no one does selling better than Shopify it's home of the number one checkout on the planet we've been shipping you guys merch since we started this show. And thankfully for Shopify, it makes it so simple, so easy, put into one easy to use place for us and for you.
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Well. Like what we, like we're, it's like our Sinatra.
Oof. You know what I mean? We're going to get there.
That Harry Styles will one day be like Sinatra. I mean, for that generation, is he not? Chalamet is kind of like, I was going to say Newman, but Chalamet is kind of like, who's the best comparatively old actor to chalamet he would be like paul newman's not too far off yeah it's like a robert de niro

but but de niro was very brand specific right brando was more broad

newman was more what more more more more like him because he was very traditionally handsome

jimmy was more jimmy had a lot of character based stuff too like he was very traditionally handsome.

Jimmy had a lot of character-based stuff too.

He was very kind of... I don't know.

It's hard.

Think about this.

God, he's good though, huh?

He's the best, Shalom.

Unbelievable, that kid.

200 years from now,

what is the music going to be like?

To us, it's going to be like...

Right, don't you think?

It'll be like? To us, it's going to be like, right? Don't you think? It'll be like... Yeah, yeah.
And people are just at the club dancing to that. We're going to be like, what is this? Turn that fucking music down.
Right? And we're like, what the fuck? And there's a singer going he's going to ding he's going to yeah right and we're like what is this but the kids are like you're old you don't get it yeah you guys like lyrics and like you know melody go right what's melody yeah loser oh my god and what is movies gonna be like fuck it's gonna be all around us

we

like melody go write a poem melody yeah loser oh my god and what what is the movie's gonna be like fuck it's gonna be all all around us we like vr e yeah we'll be living in a movie imagine like you're in the avengers because they're gonna do another avengers 100 years from now they have to keep making they're gonna remake it they have right but now you know i mean i'm gonna be the cab driver you're that cab driver that just dies yeah know what I mean yeah because I was watching Avengers yesterday again for the 90th time I get bored you gotta and I look at all the extras right the lady goes you know what I mean with the briefcase down the street you know what I mean and I go where is she going where is she going yeah where is she going but I also looked up the Avengers that New York scene I go approximate how many people died in that last scene 2600 people died there Jesus that scene 2600 people died and no one gives a shit about those people they're gone wow what is cinema is going to be us I guess it's just going to be alive it'll be a thing that's happening like live perform I think performance art will like morph into lot like art will just become life will they be they'll be merged into one you'll just be seeing live performance art like now I walked down the street the other day in New York and this these girls were doing like a fucking full tiktok coordinated dance their phone is on the window they have no they're in the middle of the street they don't even care about the world around them We'll just continue to be immersed in this where people are making their own, their own realities through virtual reality. Yeah.
And they'll just live through that. Or maybe I could be Bob Dylan.
I don't think so. Yeah.
The gullies are broken. The silly is gone.
Yeah. You know what I mean? The mountains arise and the fountains are done.
Keep going. Yeah.
The Clippers are winning and the Lakers are done.

Times they are a changing.

What do you think?

Whoa.

Pretty good.

Dylan, ask, right?

You could do one.

Hmm.

The Mexicans are gone.

Trump wants them out.

Very good.

Koreans won't budge. They'll scream and they'll shout.
Oh, and then Woody Guthrie's like. So that guy, Scoot, who played Woody Guthrie, came to the OR.
Because, you know, he's dating my friend Sosi. So Sosi goes,

me and Scooter coming and I got him a table

and they sat

and five comics

all night long

pointed to him

and go,

great job in the movie.

He did do a great job.

Like Mark Maron,

like a bunch of people

and it was,

I just,

and I could see him

just like,

like take it in. you know what I mean?

Like he killed it in that movie.

Imagine what that feels like.

But you know, like we get audience reactions every night.

Yeah.

So we know what that's like.

Yeah, but we never put out like an award-winning performance.

This is.

Hmm.

You think so?

I don't think we'll do that now.

No, I don't think so.

I don't think so.

Yeah, I don't think so.

You know what this is?

What?

This show should be called Bear Minimum.

Yeah.

That's what this is.

Yeah.

Two bears, one minimum.

Wow.

Yeah, you're right.

But it was nice to see.

So I shared with you what happened last Thursday to me.

What?

It was a disaster.

And I'd like to share it on group level, if I may.

Give it.

Okay.

I get a call from the little hobbit, the punk rock hobbit. You know who that is? No.
The punk rock hobbit. Just think about it.
He's a comic. The punk rock hobbit.
Yeah. He started- Josh Adam Meyers? Started comedy later, late in life.
Dean Del Rey? Yes. He calls me.
Hey, Bobby. Yeah Bobby I'm doing this benefit show

Steven Tyler baby

and I go I don't do well in benefit shows

you're gonna kill

so I show up

and Steven Tyler is in the green room

I take a photo with him

super nice

he goes hey let's take a photo

I think that was the vibe

I know he's a fan

and I sat there and I was like this is cool

then Josh Holm comes in from queens of the stone age yeah let me say something i'm one of his biggest fans i love you love queens no that i love um them crooked vultures yeah with yeah and i um and i met him and i was just like oh when are you ever gonna put on another vultures album he's like i know we're all you know our schedules isn't that and then um adam ray goes up and he's pretty good and i'm after him and so um i go up i open my mouth and and i i'm telling you guys right now i know you i told you guys this yesterday, right? I haven't bombed like this in years.

It was silent in the room.

And my time, because I want to kill, right?

Because I'm like, my heroes are in the crowd, right?

And about two minutes in, in my periphery,

because I know where Josh Holm is sitting,

I could just see him stand up and just walk out. No.
Yeah, he walked out of the room. What if he was going to make another album? You could have inspired him.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. My heart combusted into my fucking chest plate.
Well, Josh, please reach out. And then I go, he might have went to the back.
And you know what he's doing? He's talking to Adam Ray in the back. Oh, boy.
That hurt. It hurt.
And what toppled that over the worst? The server comes to the table the other night. Right after you tell that story, and the server goes, sorry, I don't know who you guys are.
Yeah. That's okay.
She goes, do you know Adam Ray? Yeah, I remember that. You got so fucked.
I didn't get mad. You were bummed.
I'm proud. You were bummed too.
No, I didn't give a shit at all. When your eyes crinkle, dude, that's jealousy you did that you did a clint eastwood did you know what i was on i was like i don't want to talk anymore i want to eat food i'm starving yeah she wanted to talk comedy but you know and adam's having a moment that's great right but it's just like it it broke my heart and you know what i've the same thing happened to me 18 years ago and i've never shared this because it embarrassing.
Give it. So there was this time where Anthony Kiedis was really hot on me.
He was like hitting on you? No, he loved my comedy. Oh.
I remember one time he, I was playing in Vegas and he brought, that's the reason why I was in The Dictator is because he introduced me to Sasha. Whoa.
So I was playing the Playboy comedy night at the Palms, and Court McCowan comes up to me and goes, dude, fucking, Anthony Kiedis is here with Sasha Baron Cohen and David Spade. Oh, wow.
So they sat, watched my set, and then they took me to dinner, right? And then he would invite me to shows, Anthony, and then I was doing a show at the El Cid and he brought Flea, the whole band. And they sat in front.
It was alternative room. Okay.
Okay. I bombed so hard that night.
I never talked to him again. He never communicated with you again? No.
Wow. I could see them blush and he was embarrassed.
You've never bombed in front of your heroes. Well, you you're my hero And every time I do bad in front of you It breaks my heart No You've never You always kill it in front of your heroes Did you like that? That's not even remotely true Dude you're You know what You know that's not even remotely true In fact In fact In fact In fact In front of like Famous people No I don't have any good stories Of like famous people coming to see me The only good story I had was When Catherine O'Hara came to see me.
Where? At the improv. Wow, when? I told you guys that story.
No, we never heard that. When? I've never told that on the show.
No. I have told this story.
Yeah. I was auditioning for a show.
He did a TV show for HBO. Okay.
I auditioned for the show. Yeah.
And then by way of somehow through a manager or something, she obviously is so close with guest she came and saw me at the improv and somebody was like hey i think katherine o'hara is here to see you and i was like fuck really i was so bummed i was by the bar i was like fuck this is not good because what like what the fuck am i gonna do right i go up i have a fine set it was good of course you did well the rhythm nice. The room was good.
And then I go back. Like I nervously like walked by the room and then I go in to the green room.
Yeah. And I was like, oh, I should go say, I want to go say hi maybe.
And then the guy that was working at the booth was like, she left. I was like, fuck dude.
And he was like, no, no, no, no. She sat, watched your whole show, was laughing.

And then as soon as you got done, she got up and she went back home.

And I never heard about it ever again.

Christopher never.

Wow.

I never spoke to him about it.

I never heard anything about it.

Wow.

Kind of crazy.

That's cool.

It felt so, so rock star.

I don't know if she was like, if she like caught wind and I don't even know how it happened

that it was like, I'm going to go watch that guy.

So I have, you know, that there was a movie idea that my friend McGrail and I came up with.

And there's a pretty big male, you know, actor that wants, that is curious about a role.

Like a big guy.

He's pretty, I don't want to say who it is, but he wants to see me sometime in the next couple weeks perform.

But I'm afraid that it's going to be another Josh Holmes situation.

No chance.

And Josh, by the way, reach out.

He's not mad.

No, I know.

It's all in my head.

He was so nice to me, by the way.

I'm a huge fan.

He's such a great talent.

Imagine if he emails Carlos in the booth at gmail.com

and he's like, please tell Bobby that I do love him.

And I've hit the ball so many times too.

I mean, I mean. You almost always hit the ball.
Almost every time I do. You know what I and i've hit the ball so many times too i mean i mean you almost every almost every time i do you know what i mean sometimes we foul tip it yeah we're gonna foul tip it yeah sometimes you do who's here bring him in yeah bring him in bring in our boy uh-oh look who it is oh my god you cut your hair uh not recently well i took a shower a second ago that's it that's it that's it i think you nailed it that's it yeah yeah hello welcome back to the show dax flame everybody you look like you had a spiritual experience like you look like a different person uh i exercised also today and shower what did we do in the exercise what did we do uh i played basketball with a friend can we can i can i see your three-point stance wow wow whoa one-on-one uh uh no just shooting you guys were just shooting together how long do you shoot for uh maybe 30 minutes to an hour and do you do you break a sweat or no? Yes Are you wearing these clothes that you're wearing now or are you wearing No, I wore shorts today Oh you did I've never seen your legs before Yeah, I usually wear jeans or pants Are your legs nice? Let's see You can see them if you want Well I'd like to see well i'd like to see one whoa whoa those are pretty good legs actually thank you they're world war ii legs those are that's like you know i mean like just a traditional that's normandy those are normandy yeah normandy legs dude traditional white have you ever stormed a beach no do you go to the beach uh yeah but i never swim yeah you shouldn't yeah you shouldn't you don't know what's out there what's out there.
You know what guy you are on Normandy? Who? The guy that kind of catches on fire. But then you run in the ocean.
Is that the Saving Private Ryan? Is that where that started? Yeah. Okay.
But then you run in the ocean. You're only half burnt.
But then you pretend you're dead in the water. Okay.
Then the war passes. And then you're back.
Would you play dead in war, do you think? In a movie? in a movie or in real war no real war it's coming if i didn't think i had a chance anymore you just play dead play possum yeah unless there is like someone i could potentially help okay look let's let's play it out all right we're in one of those i don't know what you call it but you know in the beginning of saving private ryan they're in that you those boats you vote well no you boats are submarines right yeah but it's one of those boats where like they're always like either vomiting right and they're just super scared yeah and bullets pew pew pew whizzing by right and they're holy and there's always one guy with a cross and he kisses it right right there's always one guy like that and there's another guy going mama you know what I mean there's a mama guy always and there's one guy going, mama. You know what I mean? There's a mama guy always.
And there's one guy going. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
The Rogan. The killer.
Joe Rogan. Yeah.
Overcompensating, right? Jacked up on alpha. Right.
So then the thing closes, goes down. And then you see two or three guys in the front just go down right away.
Right. What do you do? What do you do? So I see two people just die right away? Yeah away yeah well you're like fourth row you know i mean yeah yeah you know frankie castro dies in front of you right devon sanchez dies in front of you marco jackson jackson dies in front of you yeah marco suano marco suano but dies in front of you and then what do you do stay in the boat stay in the boat you don't move forward to the peach i mean if every single person is getting killed they are no but you're you're fucking captain what do you call a captain or you're a sergeant you're a sergeant yeah sergeant's going come on flame move forward flame get going yeah and you're just gonna sit there people are dying you just sit there flame yeah, pop, pop! People are dying.
You just sit there, Flame.

Yeah, I'd probably just point out that every single person has died as they left.

Oh, all right.

It's pretty logical.

It's pretty logical.

It does make sense.

Yeah.

You know what?

You probably go overboard under the water.

They would throw me over, you're saying?

Because if you were in front of me and you weren't moving, right, I would throw you over

so I could get forward.

But then you would get killed, right? I don't know yet. The odds are bad, but it's like I have to go forward.
I would use you as a human shield. Yeah, me too.
I think I would grab you and I would just have my flame shield. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're just getting...
Let me see what that looks like. Yeah.
You know what I would do too? When he's down... When he's down, you know what I would do? Yeah.
I would steal something. You know what I would steal from him? His morphine packet.
Oh, yeah. Morphine, morphine packet.
And you would, you'd feel every pain. Yeah, you would.
Of your death. I wouldn't inject you with the morphine because you were a coward.
That would probably, yeah, that would make more sense than just people going forward using someone as a shield.

Yeah, yeah.

Pretty heavily.

Dude, that was a brutal scene.

What's been going on with you, Dax?

What's been happening in your life?

Somebody told me

that you're seeing somebody now.

I heard a rumor

that you're dating somebody famous.

Do you know this?

Oh, that's not accurate.

He's got a famous girlfriend.

He's being shy about it.

I'm jealous.

Just tell him. Emma Watson.
He's dating Emma Watson. He's been seen.
Paparazzi have caught them out in public. You're really dating Emma Watson? Mm-hmm.
Why are you being shy about that? Put a spell on her. She asked me to keep it private, but I don't like to keep anything private.
I mean, we can cut it out. Are you being real right now? Yeah, he is.
Do you want us to cut it out? Yeah. We should cut it out.
Is there a photo? There was a paparazzi photo. I don't know.
I want to see Dax and Emma together. I kind of believe it.
No, they are. Really? No.
Is that him? Yeah. Bluetooth.
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ZocDoc.com slash BadFriends. Isn't that crazy? That's crazy, dude you so how did you guys meet how'd you meet emma watson i went to a harry potter thing like a meetup or a convention or what was it a book signing oh okay right on oh a book signing and you were signing the books emma oh emma watson was did you just run game on her so i'm'm Emma Watson Hello Welcome You want me to sign your book? Hello I'm her publicist Ramon Hello That's my publicist Ramon Would you like me to sign a book? Uh yeah Wonderful What's your name? Dax Dax you're cute Thank you So are you Thank you I don't know why you're signing that That's Eyes Wide Shut The script Oh wow Yeah yeah Is this the script for American Psycho? Listen Are you a big fan? Yes You want a photo? Yes Alright Anything else? Hurry up How's your day going? Pretty good I mean not bad at all really Okay It's better that you're here Oh thank you What kind of things do you like to do? I mean, not bad at all, really.
It's better that you're here. Oh, thank you.
What kind of things do you like to do? I mean, count money. These things are probably the worst.
Go shopping, eating food. Crab cakes.
Crab cakes. I love crab cakes.
Horchata. I'm a big all right.
She loves horchata. I love horchata.
That's salsa verde If she's eating Mexican food she loves salsa verde What's your favorite place to get it? Mexican food Maybe like del taco Pequito mas We should go there sometime You're asking me out on a date really wow wow you've got quite the confidence little man thank you you're absolutely incredible dude are you cut or uncut uh have you got a sleeve or is it a mushroom um it's uh i'm circumcised big is it limp? Uh, normal. Excuse me for a second, Emma, there's a long line.
Yeah, they can wait. I know, but it's like, you know, we've had a hard out in 45 minutes.
I'm quite horny, so they can wait. I know, but...
How big is it limp? Um, I'm uncomfortable with your publicist hearing. Oh, really? Close your ears.
Okay. How big is it? Average, normal.
Great. Uncover? Okay.
I heard it still. Yeah, he said average.
Tom Hardy's in line. Really? Yeah, he's going to ask you out.
Well, give me your number and take me out on a date. Okay.
I can't wait to see you. Where are you going to take her? Paquito Mas? Get more creative.
Get more creative. Hi-Ho? Hi was the place.
Hi-Ho Hamburger. It's owned by Sugarfish.
Tell me, after the date, what would you want? What do you want to do to me? Maybe. I'm yours, Dex.
Oh. What would you do to me? In the villa.
We have a villa. I guess make out.

Make out?

Mm-hmm.

Then?

Maybe see whatever you're comfortable with.

I'm comfortable with all of it.

Tell me what you like.

You want me to spit on you, kick you, pull your air?

I think maybe just play it by ear.

You want me to play with your ears?

Sure.

Wonderful. Grab his ears.
Get shit in his mouth. Dude, I see how you got her.
Really good, dude. Well, let me tell you something.
We've had a lot of submissions to break up your relationship. You know this? We've had women who have submitted to date you.
Do you know this? Okay. Put on your headphones so you can hear this woman if you'd like.
Right there. Let's be honest, okay? If you really want to go on a's a lot of women out there and are if you you really are dating emma watson so some of these women need to get in line people people need to know so yours this one will be second let's see hi dex my name is katie i'm 34 years old um i am a single mom.
I have a four-year-old son that lives with me full-time. I work in Orange County.
I work at a veterinary hospital. I'm a practice manager.
So I'm around animals all day, pretty much. I do like to go to comedy shows.
I was at the comedy store a few weeks ago when you opened for bobby and andrew and that was awesome um you were super funny and i like going to hockey games i'm a huge hockey fan um i like good food um i don't really know what else to say but yeah Hopefully I get to talk to you soon she's a babe bro she's a dude she works with animals babe hockey babe she's very pretty yeah she's pretty we did not pay her to say oh okay yeah in case you have that honestly honestly how do you feel let's be real good you do about her yeah is this someone that might be your type uh yeah right on do you like? Let's be real. Good.
You do? About her? Yeah. Is this someone that might be your type? Yeah.
Right on. Do you like hockey at all? No.
Could you pretend you like it? Yeah. All right, check it out.
We're at the hockey game. We're at the Anaheim Ducks game.
And they're playing the Edmonton Oilers. Look at them out there.
Which one do you like the most? That guy. Who are you rooting for? Oh, the Oilers.
No. Fuck, dude.

We got to get that part right.

Yeah.

The Ducks.

Anaheim.

Ducks.

Ducks.

Orange County.

Okay.

Yeah.

What position do you like the most on the ice?

Who do you like?

Goalie.

You love the goalie.

Nice, dude.

You like to protect.

Yes.

Yeah.

You seem like a protector.

Yeah.

Right on, man.

And she has a four-year-old son.

You can be comfortable with another young man around. A child.
Yeah. Oh, now a puck what do you do you grabbed it no you grab it with your mouth like a seal dude you go and then good like that well no he grabbed it what if he puts in his mouth after oh that's true wow did you catch the puck do it again again.
Whoa. Whoa.
Wow. And then, okay, so great.
You going to take her on a date? In real life or in hockey? In real life. Oh, yeah.
Okay, before you do, her four-year-old son is right here. This is Milo.
Hi. And you have to tell Milo that you're going to take his mom on a date because he's a little uncomfortable.
He's got a tick. It's cool to meet you.
Nice to meet you. How are you? Good.
Do you go to school? Yep, yep, yep. You seem really cool.
Cool. Do you like hockey? Yep, yep.
Gretzky. Oh, yeah.
Wayne Gretzky. No, John.
John Wayne Gretzky. John Wayne Gretzky.
John Wayne Gretzky. He's my favorite serial killer.

So I don't know if you're willing to leave Emma Watson,

but Bad Friends will pay for you to take a girl on a beautiful date. If you'd like to take any of these women on a date,

we will pay for the date.

And I'm talking start to finish.

Okay.

We'll get you a car service.

We'll get you a nice dinner.

We'll pick up the bill.

You know, movie.

Whatever you want to do afterwards.

I'll be there.

Bobby will have to chaperone. I'll have to chaperone.
Would y'all both be there? Would you like us both to be there? So it would either be just you or just the two of you? No, I'm... I'm probably not going to be there.
Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry.
Be honest with me, dude. Let's get this out and open, dude.
Why are you uncomfortable With just me being there Well I think If there's just One other person on it Like a date It might feel Well I don't I actually don't I don't know Yeah You don't know True Exactly Would you like me and Bobby To go on a double date With you and one of these girls Oh like you would bring people I bring my own date You bring a date You bring'm saying you and i date each other oh yeah yeah we'll bring yeah us two together we're on a date uh that could be distracting yeah but it might make things less uh how about this we'll pay for a date with you and one of these nice young ladies if you feel like or many if you'd like and and you just report back and tell us how it went okay we do you want us to be there i don't think we'd want to be there okay do you want us to be there? I don't think we'd want to be there. Okay.
Do you want us to be there? Be honest. I don't know.
I have to think. Yeah, think about it.
But okay, if you were to, do you have a car yet? Yes. Good.
That's good. Thank you.
Congratulations. You got a new car? No, it's not new.
But I mean, you got a car. Yeah.
Did you not have a car before? Yeah. No, I did.
Oh, you did? You always had a car. Yeah.
I know why I thought he didn't. A Subaru.
Oh, that's a good car. Thank you.
Yeah. Would you drive to Orange County to take her on a date? Mm-hmm.
Okay. I will say there's a couple hockey games coming up.
Maybe we can get you to one of those hockey games with that girl. Yeah.
If you're interested. Do you hook up on the first date or no? Generally or no? If I felt comfortable with someone and there was a good, yeah, then I would be comfortable too.
I believe that. I believe that.
If you had an unlimited budget to take a girl out on a date to a restaurant or whatever, where are you taking her we're paying bad friends are paying don't worry about it no like how about this a weekend a getaway right you we will pay for everything you just tell us what sky's the limit yeah where do you want to where do you want to go we will we're travel agents yeah and you know tokyo little little tokyo yes little tokyo in downtown la right that's what you mean or tokyo japan uh tokyo japan okay okay tokyo japan that's great so um do you write that down tokyo i did i heard it yeah yeah it's a little expensive it is but we're gonna do it okay yes so um and first class for both of you first class both of them interesting yeah that'll be cheap yeah what hotel like we're already 10 000 yeah we're deep this is bad yeah yeah park hyatt what hotel yeah yeah that's okay how much how much is the park i lost in translation yeah a couple thousand a night a couple thousand yeah how many nights is that i think how long you stay there a couple weeks oh okay 14 14 times what that's two and a half thousand yeah yeah so we're talking about 30 grand along with the flights 40 we're about 50 grand we're sinking right now yeah yeah 50 grand and then um dreams of sushi you want to go see euro on the subway yeah okay that's another five grand two grand five five grand yeah from euro all right. All right.
Can we go just like dumplings and stuff after that or no? For a couple of days. Okay.
Oh, he's got demands. And so then what are some of the activities you would like to do? Should probably just walk around and look at stuff.
Okay. That'll be cheap.
That's cheap. Thank God.
Yeah. This guy's going to buy a bullet train or something.
Yeah. Have you been to Japan before? Yes.
And you loved it. I got the flu.
So that's why I want to go back and not get sick. Wait, you got the flu on your way there once you got there? On day two.
Oh my God. What was that like? Depressing.
How did you get it? Do you think you got it from traveling?

Yeah, probably from just from traveling.

Was it a bug or the physical, like you were?

They told me it was the flu because then I went and like went to the doctor to see if

I needed any medicine and they said it was the flu.

It was before COVID?

After.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow, that's incredible.

And how long are you there with the flu?

One week.

So one day healthy and then six days sick and then I went back so you were in bed for six days well yeah i mean the second day i was kind of like just kind of like walking around but feeling bad and i was like i'm just gonna relax at my hotel and then i just started to feel really bad wow so you spent six days in a hotel basically yes would Yes. Who'd you go with? Just solo.

Dax.

You're by yourself.

Sick in Japan? Sick in Japan, by yourself.

That's the saddest.

Did you ever write a song about this?

No.

You should.

Okay.

Sick in Japan.

Sing it now.

Sick in Japan.

Let's hear it.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the debut of Sick in Japan by Dax Flame.

I was excited.

Bought my ticket. Let's take this trip.
Wow. It's awesome going around, but there's something else going around.
It's the flu, and I miss you. Wow.
Sick of Japan. Sick in Japan.
Pretty sick. Yeah.
Did you fly first class?

No.

Why'd you ask first class for this trip?

Yeah, what's going on?

You said unlimited budget. We did, yeah.

That's true.

That's my bad.

I gotta be honest with you.

I kinda wanna send him to Japan.

I know.

Now we feel bad.

I want you to go.

Okay.

Should we pay for him to go to Japan?

I think that's a fucking rad move. Would you you love that i would love that but no pressure but how about this here's the here's the twist you've got to go to lax right now uh twist would be you have to leave from the podcast and go to you have to go literally now um you might not even be able to go home yeah we'll buy you a kimono kimono.
Okay. Right? One of those, you know what I mean, chopstick hair things.
You got to put those. What do you think, Dax? Would you go to Japan right now if we bought you a ticket? There's two flights tonight.
I do need my laptop. Why? You want to watch Netflix? What are you doing? So I can edit.
Yeah, he wants to be able to edit and shoot. Oh, edit your shit.
Yeah, because I have videos

that I have to post still. Okay.

I can make new ones. Or we could maybe bring

a friend of yours to shoot. He's

going to work out there, right? No, he's got to go alone

because he wants to relive that solo experience in Japan.

That's the beauty of Japan. Am I right?

Yeah. Who

shoots with you normally? My friend.

Yeah, I met him. Yeah, we met him.

Yeah, I met him. I think we should send him to fucking japan dude what's cheaper what's cheaper yeah mongolia or something yeah i mean i don't know would you like to go to mongolia uh i don't know anything about it there's a go it's great there's a genghis khan museum that'd be cool yeah yeah and you like mongolian beef yes they got a lot of that They got that.
There's a Genghis Khan museum. That'd be cool.

Yeah, yeah.

And you like Mongolian beef?

Yes.

They got that. A lot of that.

They got that.

There it is.

Right.

I got to tell you.

And the eagle?

Look at the eagle.

Look at the eagle.

Do you like Mongolian eagles?

Eagle, baby.

That looks pretty cool.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd like to see that.

Dude, look at how much.

You're going to get sick out there.

No way.

You get healthier, if anything.

Yeah.

I managed us on a donkey with an eagle on our arm You and I Us three going there Now I'm watching That's you and me And that's you and me and Bobby That's Bobby with the eagle Imagine that life The fresh air It does look like Really refreshing Yeah yeah And interesting I really wanna send him to Japan Okay Japan I really mean it I'm not even fucking kidding for the show I really want to send him to Japan Well let's just fucking do it man Okay fine We're going to send you to Japan Look at that though Huh Cool Have you ever seen a skeleton cow What is that next door to that lady That's insane looking It's Mong's Mongolia, dude. What is that? Cow.
That's a cow? Wow. An osambic.
What time is it right now? What time is it? Eight. It's eight.
8.01. Is there a midnight flight? Would you really go tonight if we booked you a flight? Well, I would have to get my passport.
Yeah, we'd send you home. Of course.
Okay, there's an 1120. I am supposed to go to New York on Friday.

Why?

Because someone wanted me to come make videos for them.

Would you rather go to Japan?

Could I do both?

You want us to, we'll fly you round trip from LA to Japan and back.

So you would leave tonight at midnight, 1120 PM.

You lose two days.

You know that, right? Let's see. We'll be getting back.
When leave tonight at midnight 11.20pm. You lose two days.
You know that right?

Let's see. When you get him back?

When you come back. Yeah.

Is it really that long?

Well he has to stop. There's only a stop at night.

There's no direct at night.

Huh. 22 hours.

You willing to stop? Stop is 10 hours.

Yeah. Yeah?

Because you want to go to Japan. Can we stop

him in Mongolia at least? There gotta be a cheaper way how much is it 940 you have a 5 hour stop he wants first class though dude first class is so expensive just to see what it is how much is first class class? $20,000. $20,000? That's how much

it costs to go to fucking Japan? Both ways or just

one way? That's gotta be both ways.

It's gotta be both ways. Round trip.
We hope

so. And what's business?

That's insane.

20 grand? Yeah, we do

business, right? We do business when we travel. We better

be doing business. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We don't do first.

Holy shit. Holy shit.

Imagine that.

Imagine how many little Japanese guys can do that. They just

do that all the time. little japanese businessmen they fly that all the time little huh some for bigger which ones that's true yeah yeah there's business 5 000 let me say this and i'm not kidding i'm not making a joke when you get back from new york you call the boys and we are immediately going to book you a flight to j.
Wow, okay. I'll do it if you still want to then.
No, I want to now. Cool.
So we will do it. The boys know.
We will book you a flight to Japan. I want to go, though.
You want to go with them? No. Okay.
But don't you want to go? Let's all go. Well, we're going to Korea, aren't we? We're going to Korea.
That's what you say, but I don't know, man. Do you not want to go? I do want to go, but is that real? Yeah, it's literally, I have to go.
I know you have to go. But who's going to fly me there? They will.
But they're going to give me business. Of course.
Okay, I'm acting like a baby. Yeah, I'd like to go.
Of course you're going to go. I'll go.
Dax. Dax.
Will you go to Korea with us? Yeah. Dude, how funny if he got sick again in Japan.

Oh, I'm going to get him sick.

The second time?

Yeah, yeah.

We can plan that.

Even one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life.

We get him sick on purpose to the second trip to Japan.

Do you speak Japanese?

No.

Try.

Konnichiwa.

Good.

Done.

Very good.

That's all you need to know.

You're done.

Dude, I thought it was a Japanese dude.

Say it again.

Ohayo gozaimasu.

When they walk into the restaurant? Yeah. Yeah, I get that.
It It's funny you're scared of doing the accent I know Yeah You are scared of it I don't know how that would sound You've never done it at home Come on Dax You know you've done different accents at home Not on camera because you know you're afraid to get cancelled to do the Japanese accent while speaking Japanese yeah at home in your privacy you do it um maybe yeah I mean you've done you've done like urban guys at home you know what I mean maybe I can't remember specific yeah yeah yeah how about rednecks have you done can you do a a redneck you know i mean impression you could because it's white go ahead hey y'all hey hey do you do you like do you do you like uh trailers i do do you yeah we do you have one for sale yeah how much yeah well tell us about it i to just buy it. Okay, yeah, you're right.
How much you got? That's not how it works. Explain to me what kind of trailer, what are the convenient things about it and the utilities.
It's got just like a trailer hitch and... We always wanted a trailer hitch.
Yeah, yeah, a hitch. What else? Little bed to bed.
We love little beds. Little bed to bed? Yeah, little bed to bed.
Little bed to bed. You have a medium bed to bed? Yep.
Okay, we'll get a medium bed to bed, yeah. And what else? TV.
Ooh. Ooh, what kind though? Color? Color TV.
Yeah, what kind? Flat screen. Flat screen? Oh, that's nice.
How big? 36-inch TV. Wow, that's- Not big at all.
Not big at all, but okay. 48 inches TV.
That's still pretty small, but that's fine. What else is there? Is there a bathroom? Yeah.
Okay. How many? One, two.
One or two- You seem to be losing your accent, sir. Where are you from? Yeah.
Where are you really from, sir? Texas. You're from Texas? Yeah.

What part?

Dallas.

Really?

Where?

Oh, my cousins live in Dallas.

They just moved there.

Which area?

North of Dallas.

Like Frisco?

We love north of Dallas.

Don't we love north of Dallas?

We love north of Dallas.

Yeah.

We love it there.

Nice.

Piano bars.

So are you going to sell us this trailer?

Yep.

What are you asking for it?

$15,000. No.
Wow. That are you going to sell us this trailer? Yep.
What are you asking for it? $15,000.

No.

Wow.

That's like a flight to Japan.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

He's having a nervous breakdown.

That's what I was...

So weird.

Seems like they haven't...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that what you're doing?

You selling everything because you're moving to Japan?

Yeah.

Did something happen?

Yeah, I got sick last time I was there we should bring him to yeah I know don't say it yeah don't say it out loud yeah yeah we got some plans for you bud I like us as fan we feel like family to you yeah you do can I ask you a question uh me specifically or okay go ahead my friend said she met you and she said that i'm friends with and you said he's oh wait stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop don't hold on stop i know what you're gonna say i know there this is a true story I know this is Hold on Yes it is Your friend's lying Okay Yeah yeah And I did it in a funny way You know how funny I am right Right I do things in a comedic way right Do I not You do Right Everything I say is like With a hint of like Comedy Right Say what she said No I Let him say it what did she say she said bobby said that guy smells weird did you say dak smells weird one of our brothers yeah smells weird i didn't ask about the body language how do you feel about that bud do you think Dak smells weird Is that how you perceive him Dude

He's our friend

Can we work out the conversation here okay

Oh I'm friends with Dak

Yeah he smells weird

What do you mean

I was kidding

That's not funny

I know maybe it wasn't

My bad

He doesn't smell weird

That's why I could say it

But that's really mean I think

Yeah

Can you call him and tell him you said that

Your friend right

She has another thing coming now

Okay right

And um

I said it in a comedic way

the But that's really mean, I think. Yeah.
Can you call him and tell him you said that? Your friend, right? She has another thing coming now. Okay.
Right. And I said it in a comedic way.
But when you started talking, I knew exactly what you were talking about. Because when I said it, and this is what a great friend she is.
She was so mad on your behalf. She was pissed.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
Will you call her right now? She's like, what? She goes, what the fuck do you mean?

Great.

And I go, I'm just kidding.

Will you call her right now?

Yeah.

Is that why you showered today?

Can I text her and ask her if it's okay?

Yeah, text her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Text her.

Because Bobby's willing to apologize.

Because let me say something about my best friend, Bobby Lee.

He will make up for his mistakes. Always.
Am I right? Oh, God. Am I right? I hate being embarrassed.
You make good. You always make good.
You always have. He's done everyone right in this room.
Also, can I just say another thing? I'm proud of you, Dax, because it's something that you wouldn't say. Right.
Right? I feel like you're like, I want to, right? That you would hold things within yourself because you're kind of shy and you were very confrontational there oh yeah yeah yeah i didn't want to make you uncomfortable by confronting you i asked her if i told her okay i said can i call you i want to ask you about the smell thing on bad friends and what'd she say nothing hasn't replied i turned it off of silent mode so that okay i can't believe that i believe every second of it no i cannot believe it i honestly do i didn't say it in like to be like offensive it was just like a funny thing we know it was a joke i know but it's like but she she was being a good friend to you what did she say she said no he doesn't what the fuck do you mean by that i was like oh it's just just kidding just kidding yeah and she was like no it sounded real and i'm like how did you meet this person at the store i don't remember i i know that she was i think at the improv at the improv is what happened yeah she performed oh she's a comic yeah Oh, I'm new to comedy. She's new to comedy.
Well, new to stand-up comedy. Stand-up comedy.
And so, now when she said it to you, was she saying it like, be careful of that guy. He's an asshole.
No. Okay.
How did she say it? She just told me that story. Oh my God.
I'm embarrassed. Was this the girl that we talked about the other night No Some complete I've never seen her before She seemed super nice You know what I mean She was a little nervous About comedy Because she even said that She's like I'm new to this Right You'll be fine or something You know what I mean And then She goes I'm friends with Dax And I go oh yeah He smells weird And she goes what what the fuck? No, same girl.
I would not say that again.

One and done.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

Dax, can I say something?

Thank you.

I apologize.

I accept.

No, I don't.

No, really listen.

Okay?

Well, I don't have a sense of smell.

So I take showers whenever I'm going to be around people. Because I can't tell anymore.
Since I lost my sense of smell a couple years ago. From COVID? So you can't smell at all? Yeah.
Seriously? Yeah. Nothing? Nothing.
Oh my God. Now do you feel bad? Yeah.
I'm going to tell you something right now. But you told me that's not true.
You don't smell bad. You don't.
Okay. I've never, you've never smelled bad.
I've never even smelled you. When would I have the opportunity to? Well, he's here all day.
You don't hug. That's what I said.
I said, I'm usually sitting like seven. Yeah.
And when you leave, we never, we're never, we don't cross paths. You know what? So I want to say something.
Okay. I said it as a joke.
I want to say something to you, okay? Honestly, I love you so much. And it's a blessing that you get to do our show.
I mean, that we have you on our show. Came out weird, yeah.
No, no, no, that's not what I meant. What I'm saying, it's a blessing that you do our show.
We think you're an asset. You make our show so much more interesting and fun.
I agree. You're so important to us.
I would never do anything to burn this bridge. I really think that you're a sweet guy.
You're a funny guy. I think you're brave when you did that show with us at the Comedy Store in the main room.
In the main room, you know how difficult that was? You crushed it. You know what I mean see you as an ally and a and and a brother thank you and i said it i was trying to act cool because she was a she was hot your friend her his friend is beautiful right so i'm sorry thank you but you know what boppy occasionally will use comedy to deflect when he's uncomfortable so maybe she her beauty blew him away.
Would you want me to say anything to her?

Yeah, I'm sorry that she had to hear that.

Okay.

Okay.

No, that's not, no.

What?

It was a joke.

Tell her clearly he's kidding.

No, I apologize.

Okay.

All right, let's squash it.

Squash the beef.

I wasn't, yeah, I didn't feel offended.

Good, thank you, Dax.

Have you ever been offended by us on this show?

No. Good.
We love you soax. Have you ever been offended by us on this show? No.
Good.

We love you so much. Anyway, look in the camera.

Thank you for being a bad friend. The best.
Yeah. Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.