Sick In Japan

Speaker 1 Hey, bad friends. I have only two cities left on my tour before I film my special.
This weekend, Boston, Massachusetts. Boston, I love you so much.
You've always done me right.

Speaker 1 I have four shows at the Wilbur in Boston this weekend. Bring your loves out for Valentine's Day.
Then, February 21 and 22, Minneapolis. Let's go, baby.

Speaker 1 I'm shooting my special for Hulu in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Come see me.
Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets. AndrewSantino.com.
Hello. Hello.
Hello. Hello, Mike.
It's me, Benjo Toast. Hello.

Speaker 1 And who are you? I'm Squeaky the Pete. Squeaky the Pete.
Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, you waited for it. You wanted.
We're coming to London and Dublin. We are.
We're coming, dude.

Speaker 1 Tomorrow, presale for the artist starts tomorrow. The code is Bad Friends.
We're going to be in London and Dublin, July 18th and 19th. 18th and 19th.
We'll be there.

Speaker 1 You got to come because we may not come for a while after that. We may not come for a while after that.
London and Dublin, we're coming to see you. We're so excited.
Artist presale starts tomorrow.

Speaker 1 The code is Bad Friends. And then it's on sale to the public on Friday, February 14th.
Get the artist pre-sale ticket so they don't jack up the prices everyone on the internet. Go get them.
Go get it.

Speaker 1 The code is Bad Friends. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 oh, it's so good.

Speaker 1 It's so good to be free and an American. America.
I know. America.
I know.

Speaker 1 I love you. Did you see the protest this morning in San Diego? That's what I love about America.

Speaker 1 The protest.

Speaker 1 What was it about?

Speaker 1 They were mad at ice. Oh, yeah.
And oh, dude. And then tomorrow, hey, are you going to not work tomorrow?

Speaker 1 Carlos?

Speaker 1 Oh, because y'all, because of the protests against DEI. No, no, no.
Tomorrow, they're doing.

Speaker 1 Hispanics are going to do a no work day. So what do you mean? It's like every day for them.

Speaker 1 Little,

Speaker 1 but you better not be working tomorrow, dude. I have to be here at New York.
Yeah, he has to work tomorrow. Oh, my God.
He's a traitor. He's a traitor.
No, I'm working.

Speaker 1 Yeah!

Speaker 1 Yeah! I'm legal. I'm legal.

Speaker 1 No, yeah. The people that are legal are also protesting for their people.
Yeah, don't you get it? I asked about my maid in Houston, and apparently she's fine.

Speaker 1 She's illegal. Well, that's good.
Juanita's fine? No, Marina. Okay.

Speaker 1 Listen, I want to say something up front, if I may. That's wrong.
That's wrong. And one day we're going to have a Korean protest.
Mm-mm. Yeah, yeah.
For what? What? What's the protest? No more.

Speaker 1 We're not going to make bibimbop

Speaker 1 for a day. Well, we'll

Speaker 1 do without bib bimbop. You know what we're also going to do? We're going to dig back our kimchi up from the ground

Speaker 1 so they don't ferment for one day, dude. Wow.
Yeah. I don't like that.
Yeah, I know, dude. You want them to ferment.
I like kimchi up here. Right.

Speaker 1 Also, those girls at the karaoke, they're not working. No.
Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Those glass girls, what do they call them? Grass girls?

Speaker 1 What do they call them? I don't know, but let me say this. Donald Trump, please don't get rid of Koreans.
Like, we please.

Speaker 1 Mexicans are fine. Get rid of them.
Get rid of. How about the ones that came over here illegally? Koreans? Koreans, yeah.
Do Koreans come over here illegally? No, we follow the rules.

Speaker 1 We're law-abiding. I got to say something wild.
The woman who cleans the house sometimes. Your house? I got scared because I thought, what if she's going to get gone? And then I asked her and

Speaker 1 I said, hey, you know, if

Speaker 1 I know how to blow the whistle,

Speaker 1 what do I do? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And she said, I'm from New Mexico. And I was like, what?

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah, she's from Albuquerque. You have accent? Yeah, it's so thick.
I had no idea.

Speaker 1 Well, then she's lying.

Speaker 1 She is a lying bastard. Okay, you be me and and I'll be here.
I'll show you how it went. I'm you? Yeah.
Good morning.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 Juanita? Her name's just say Maria. Oh, sorry.
Hey, Maria. Oh, hi, Michelle Andrew.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm very concerned about what's going on with the Trump thing and stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, so anything I can do to help, you know?

Speaker 1 Maybe more money, fresh.

Speaker 1 Wait, where are you from? You're from Mexico, right? Harbour Kyrie.

Speaker 1 Oh, you know John Jones?

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 1 I did. I do love her so much.
What would I do? I said she could live at our house. Mine? Live with us.
Last week. Yeah.
I gave her, so I Venmo her the money. You don't give her cash? No, Venmo.

Speaker 1 Got to give him cash. Which look what I did, though.
Because they got to pay taxes on that. I gave her 200 cash on top of the money.
Ooh. Because I never thought I was going to see her again.

Speaker 1 That's it. I swear to God.
$200?

Speaker 1 What? Look. Like, it was like Mike, like, hey, thanks for all the laughs.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Because, you know, I make fun of her when she's, you know, me. I get it.
So I just went, you know, senorita here. I don't, I don't know her name.
But you don't know her name?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I do. I don't want to say it, though.
This woman is like the love of my life. I love her.
She's honestly like a magic. I trust mine.
Do you play games with yours? All the time.

Speaker 1 I played with my girlfriend.

Speaker 1 No, not that kind of goes, not those kind of games. And she never comes and finds me.
Yeah. Yeah.
She just goes to work. I go, Marco.

Speaker 1 And they go, Pollo. Poyo.
Boyo. Boyo.
Boyo. Marco.
Boyo. Boyo.

Speaker 1 But Let me say this, Trump. Come on.
Do it. Leave the Koreans alone.
Leave them alone. Leave the Koreans alone.
Also, leave the Mexicans alone. Nah, get them out of here.

Speaker 1 Because now, check it out, dude. Who's going to do those jobs? No, you're not.
Oh, yeah. You'd look like you're strawberries.

Speaker 1 I love strawberries, yeah. I'd eat so much.
What would I, could I, do you think I could pick cotton?

Speaker 1 Do you think I could? No. How many little swabs? I don't know how it works.
Do you go swab by swab? It's swab by swab. Is it a puff? What do you call it? Up, up, up.
That's a good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, how do you do it? Do you use a scythe? No, do they do it by hand? A scythe?

Speaker 1 Is that a real word? In Stardew Valley, we use scythe. Oh, scythe.
Yeah, to get wheat. Oh, you mean like a sickle?

Speaker 1 Is it called a sickle or a scythe? Sickle. Sickle.
Okay, what's a scythe then?

Speaker 1 Dude, I hope to God that you read sickle as scythe. I think there's a scythe, dude.
I'll kill myself. I'm not going to say you're wrong.
I've been seeing scythe for years, dude, because it's stardew.

Speaker 1 Is it scythe? I know it is. It's sickle.
It's got a curve to it. That's a sickle.
Like a Grim Reaper. That's a sickle.
That's That's not a sickle. It's a scythe.
That's a scythe?

Speaker 1 No, a sickle is a handheld

Speaker 1 hammer and a sickle. A scythe is that, dude.
With a hook. Scythe.
Right. That's a scythe.
Okay, what's a sickle? Aha!

Speaker 1 For once, I'm right! Bastard! Good argument! You dumb-dumb! I'm shocked. We're all dumb-dumbs, dude.
Slow down there. All right.
For once, I'm right. It's almost the exact same thing.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 1 A sickle? A scythe is just a longer-handed. Exactly.
You don't use a sickle when you cut cotton. You don't know.
It's a scythe eater, you fuckhead.

Speaker 1 I do.

Speaker 1 You don't yeah i get the ones far oh you know what i mean i pick the ones close and i get the ones far dude cotton is just by hand right it's just pick pick pick oh my god can i wear gloves i don't think so i think that's part of it i think i can you know what i would use those gloves that they use in the football games the gigantic like finger ones

Speaker 1 number one yeah how do they pick cotton today i do want to know i actually don't know it's got to be a big machine a big machine that forks it up right

Speaker 1 today cotton is almost exclusively picked by using large machines called cotton pickers, which

Speaker 1 sounds racist.

Speaker 1 But, dude, you know, whoa, little white boy, get away from that cotton picker.

Speaker 1 So, back in the day, do you think in the 1800s, you think you and I would be able to do it? No way. We would, you and me, we'd fold immediately.

Speaker 1 You know, but my back would hurt, you would be sweating. I would be singing, swing

Speaker 1 swing or low,

Speaker 1 sweeter,

Speaker 1 tell

Speaker 1 Dude, you be singing with me. That's the movie we should make.
Dude, you got to do the Irish song. You and I in the future.
The Irish accent.

Speaker 1 Let me start. Yeah.
Swing a low.

Speaker 1 Sweet.

Speaker 1 Dude, we would get nothing done. We would get nothing done.
And then you would smoke and light a field on fire on accident. Oh, yeah, yeah.
And then we get fired. Oh.
Well, it's interesting.

Speaker 1 They never got little people to do cotton paint because it's so low to the ground. You don't have to bend over.
Oh, that's good.

Speaker 1 You send them out, yeah, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, yeah, yeah, yeah, that'd be great. It's crazy.

Speaker 1 We could never, you would never last if we weren't in this. Do you realize if we weren't living right now, you and I would be fucked?

Speaker 1 That's, you know, you know, when people say that, and I argue against it, what would we do in another time? Because I'm going to say something, okay?

Speaker 1 I'm the way I am is because of the environment that I'm in.

Speaker 1 Hear me out, dude. No, you laugh at me, you mock me, dude.
But I'm going to tell you something right now. You know, I just do what's necessary.

Speaker 1 No. Yes.
I do what's. I've always done what's necessary.
Bare minimum.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but this survival, right? Yeah. Right.
So back then, I would do the bare minimal, but I would still be able to survive and eat and all that stuff. So I would work.
You think so?

Speaker 1 Because a lot of people went starved to death because they did the bare minimum. If you couldn't contribute, you were gone.
You were dead. Bare minimum today, you get away with anything you want.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying? No, no, keep saying. Because

Speaker 1 bare minimum today, just you can get by, but you have so many resources. Back then, what would you do to get food? You're not going to hunt.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I would have developed a different skill set. What do you think your skill set would have been? That's my point.
I would be omelets.

Speaker 1 Omelette station. No, no, what I'm saying is I would probably make

Speaker 1 came out wrong. These days, with the price of eggs?

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 I would have figured something else out. I would have also done like maybe prostitution.
So you'd hook yourself out. I would do something that's going to be, or you know, I know what I would do.

Speaker 1 Opium den. I would do something kind of borderline illegal.
Right. You know what I mean? Right.
This way, Mr. John.
You know what I mean? And I would sit down, right?

Speaker 1 And I would supply, I'd have that supply chain going. Okay, well, that's not the minimum.
That's good. That's good work, I think.
Yeah, it would say Mr. Lee's.

Speaker 1 Mr. Reese.
Yeah, Mr. Reese.
I just, I see the fucking font. Oh, I see it now.
I see the lights. Right.
It's like Vegas. Yes.
Mr. Reese.
Right. Premium opium.

Speaker 1 Right? Discount for white. Wait, why? I just get people in.
Get them in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get the bodies in there. And I would say, no, you know, the other.

Speaker 1 Who's not allowed? Got it. I got it.
Like, guess who it might be? Well, no hats, no loose-fitting clothes. No, they're just people.
Oh, well, yeah, no what? Yeah, no Timberland boots.

Speaker 1 I know what you're saying.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. No foo boo.
I'm going to have different things in there, right? That's going to make my

Speaker 1 store shine. What? Foot massages.
They got that. I know.
I know, but I'll do other things like Brazilian wax. This is all going back to you.
Red eyebrows. You're selling your body.
Manicures.

Speaker 1 Clothes are. Yeah, and I'll stick sit on your dick.
Right. This is all you a hooker.
This is you. This all is just a front for you being a hooker.
No, it's not. No, it's not.
Yeah. That's last case.

Speaker 1 That's first case. No.
Case closed. First of all, have you ever tried to have sex when you're on opium? Have you?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's impossible.

Speaker 1 I've tried to have sex on opioid opioids. Yeah.
Yeah, it's hard.

Speaker 1 Even opioids, it's hard. You can't get hard.
It's hard. It's hard to get hard.
Yeah, it's hard to get hard.

Speaker 1 So I would like, if some white burly guy was like jacked up on my premium opium like straight from like you know I mean the opium opium right from the opium. Yeah, right from the opium

Speaker 1 right from it, right? And they're still able to go hey man Let me get your butt over here. You know what I mean? I would be like oh fuck.
This is what I have to do. Got to do it.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Have I saw a TikTok video the other day. There's people just posting how to make cocaine on TikTok.
Do you know this? Yeah, I wouldn't know.

Speaker 1 They put it behind different kinds of music, but there was like guys that were, it was just like with music and he was just showing like the coca leaves in the barrel and all that stuff.

Speaker 1 They're just now coca leaves are different than cacao. Cacao is chocolate.
Chocolate, right? Yeah. Okay, good.

Speaker 1 That's what they're chocolate, but they're cousins. Are they really? Chocolate and coca, coca, cocaine coca leaves and coca chocolate, I think are like cousin plants.
Really? I think so.

Speaker 1 Cacao and like cocaine leaves. Yeah, because it's cacao leaves.
Yeah, coca, the plant. Yeah.
It's worldwide psychoactive alkaloid cocaine.

Speaker 1 So if I,

Speaker 1 first of all, I mean, chocolate plant is the coca plant, right? Yeah. But like before there was cocaine, if you and I were living in that time and you, you and I.

Speaker 1 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 1 We were wanderers, right? Yeah. We're just wanderer, you and I.
Nomads. Nomads.
And we saw that leaf. We wouldn't know what to do with it.
Well, they started chewing on it.

Speaker 1 That's how they found out the powers of it. They chewed on it and it gave them energy.
Yeah, but then who was like, oh, this is great in a powder and up my nose? Like, who came up with that?

Speaker 1 Who started cocaine? Yeah. Mexicans.
And how? How? Why would you think that you could do that? Like, here's what we're saying, right?

Speaker 1 Albert Nieman isolated an active ingredient of coca leaves, which he named cocaine. Well, that's like I found out, you know how, you know how microwaves were invented? Oh, you should teach me.

Speaker 1 There was a guy who had a bar of chocolate in his pocket, and he was working near

Speaker 1 a radiator, a radioactive radiator or whatever, and it melted. Like, because he was standing next to it.
And he was like, oh, shit. Are you being real right now? Look it up.

Speaker 1 Look it up. How microwave.
Watch the first microwave. It was a guy.

Speaker 1 He had a fucking bar of chocolate in his pocket, and he it melted because he was too close to this radiator, or whatever that's called. I'm saying it wrong.
American engineer Percy Spencer.

Speaker 1 Spencer was working with a radar set when he noticed a candy bar in his pocket had melted.

Speaker 1 He discovered the magnetron tube in the radar set was emitting microwaves that generated heat, melting the bar of chocolate in his pocket. That's how fucking dumb we are.

Speaker 1 We find all this shit on accident. Accident.
So all accident. Yeah.
In therapy,

Speaker 1 this is so shameful. I've never shared this before.
No, you have to. But

Speaker 1 I did something

Speaker 1 in third grade

Speaker 1 about the microwave. Anyway, can I I was living in Minnesota

Speaker 1 and there was a girl that lived next to me and there was a rumor that she put a rabbit in a microwave.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And it exploded.
A pet rabbit?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I when I found the rumor, right, I was so mad.

Speaker 1 I mean, I never met a rabbit, but I was, I just remember as a kid going, fucking, fucking explore rabbits man you can't do that yeah it's fucking bullshit man bad right so i would every time she would walk by in class i would go rabbit killer

Speaker 1 and she didn't do it well i'd be it was just a rumor right and at one time she cried well in class because you kept calling her rabbit rabbit killer yeah yeah and then the teacher brought me on in front of the class and sat me down in a chair in front of the whole class and goes,

Speaker 1 you're short. You know what I mean? You're little.
What? How does that feel?

Speaker 1 Like, he was belittling me in front of the class because I was making, and I started to cry. Yeah.
It taught me a really big lesson. Here's a lesson.
Even if it's a rumor, you don't say shit, then.

Speaker 1 Keep it to yourself. Keep it to yourself.
Also, what? Also, that teacher.

Speaker 1 What? We got to get that guy.

Speaker 1 We do. Where the fuck is he? Yeah.
Belittling my friend in front of people? That makes you mad? That pisses me off. I wouldn't put up with that shit.
Really? Leave him alone.

Speaker 1 You would have said that in class. I would have been so so mad if somebody belittled my friend in class.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I think now you can do it.
I've seen TikTok videos where students talk back.

Speaker 1 The one kid is my favorite. That's like, instead of, you ought to be

Speaker 1 like, I love that. I love it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of, yeah.
Yeah. He's like, well, no, no, you make it up to me.
It's like, yeah, you know, you know, you know, Charles? Charles, you know,

Speaker 1 you don't pay attention in class, right? And you're not putting your essays in early.

Speaker 1 You wonder why.

Speaker 1 Hold on, hold on, hold on. You wonder why.
Let me get that over again. I'm not a good teacher.
You skip a few classes. You don't remember.

Speaker 1 So, Charles,

Speaker 1 you know, I'm tired of your attitude. You come to class late, right?

Speaker 1 You don't seem to

Speaker 1 be interested in your book work,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 And your essays are all over the place. I mean, what is going on, pal? You know, you don't really care about us as youth.
You don't invest in us.

Speaker 1 You don't care about our issues and what we care about. All you want to do is get a paycheck, and that's disappointing to me.

Speaker 1 And maybe if you showed a little bit more love to the students and cared about our world and what was important to us, maybe, just maybe, we create a better environment and a better future.

Speaker 1 That's so good. You don't even have to look that up.
That was good, dude. I would never be able to do that.
Yeah, you would. There's no way.
Do yours. I can't do it, dude.
There's no way.

Speaker 1 I can't even. All right, trial.

Speaker 1 Kevin.

Speaker 1 Kevin. Yeah.
You don't pay attention.

Speaker 1 The essays are late, and I want to know who you think you are screwing up my class, not paying attention, and goofing off. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, man.

Speaker 1 Your generation, the algorithms, your superiority, man. Us kids, we just want to learn by tactile approach, by touching, feeling, right? Learning through our own physical experiences, man.

Speaker 1 There's other ways that we can learn, you know, not just analytical. Well, you're failing.

Speaker 1 Exactly. But if you taught me the right way with love and empathy, right? I'd be able to absorb the information, maybe.
That's very good. But the beginning, the algorithm part,

Speaker 1 I didn't know what I was doing there. I don't know how you know how to look that up, but that kid was so powerful.
That guy was such a great speech. Yeah.
I could have never snapped back at a teacher.

Speaker 1 We never did that. Yeah.
We never did that.

Speaker 1 Dude, we got in so much trouble all the time. You couldn't say shit back.
You couldn't go to the bathroom. If you go to the bathroom, you're fucked.
I have to go to the bathroom. Too bad.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm going to go. Well, you're going to see.
I'm a student, right? Ready? You're a teacher.

Speaker 1 Mr. Stevenson.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, I don't know what bathroom to use

Speaker 1 because I don't feel comfortable in the men's bathroom, even though I was born male. Right.
But they're like, you know, I get scares when I go to the women's bathrooms.

Speaker 1 We got to do something as a school. Stand up.

Speaker 1 That's it. Stand up.

Speaker 1 That's enough. Stand up.
Okay, what? Take your pants off.

Speaker 1 All right, what?

Speaker 1 That's interesting.

Speaker 1 End scene.

Speaker 1 Even the teacher doesn't know? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know what that is. Yeah, I wouldn't be a good teacher because not because

Speaker 1 I don't know knowledge

Speaker 1 of any topic. You got a lot of knowledge.
But yeah,

Speaker 1 if I had to be forced to be a teacher at a school with the things that I know, what would it be about? Well, Star Wars, you could do some sort of...

Speaker 1 I'm not that Star Wars. No, but I'm saying you could do like

Speaker 1 Star Trek. Star Trek.
You could do film or television theory. You could do TV theory, right? Production.
Maybe. Maybe.
Media, media, what is that? Media production? You could do that. You could do.

Speaker 1 You could do an entrepreneurial class, a digital entrepreneur. You think so? How to start your own business on the internet.
It's literally your whole life. But you could do more than me.

Speaker 1 The fuck I could. I don't know math.
You could know science. Bowling.
Oh, sports. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Sports.
Golf. Yep.
I could do it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I know, but still PE. You could be a coach.
I am a gym teacher. A gym teacher.
I would be. I'm a gym teacher.
I think you would know about history of hip-hop and music.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I don't think a white red-headed guy can teach that.

Speaker 1 I think that needs to change. I do too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I could do probably

Speaker 1 like more of punk, you know what I mean? Art rock. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 The history of punk. Or the history of alternative music, maybe I could do.
You could do alt music. Yeah, yeah.
But by the way, think about this.

Speaker 1 Now the generations below us, how old is like nirvana to them now? It's so crazy. Think about that.
It's classic music now. We have a radio station here in LA called K Earth 101.

Speaker 1 And when I first moved to LA, it was the oldies, which was the 50s, 60s, and 70s.

Speaker 1 Now it's the 70s, 80s, and 90s. I can't believe it.
That's That's oldies. The 90s.
The 90s is oldies. 70s, 80s, and 90s.
So creep is an oldies. Yes.
That's on creep. Yes.

Speaker 1 I'm a loser by Beck. Oldie.
That's not an oldie. That's a newie, dude.
It's a goodie, but it's a newie. It's a good wee.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 What's a new wee?

Speaker 1 Chapel Roan.

Speaker 1 That's a new week. Fuck.
Sabrina Carpenter. That's a new wee.

Speaker 1 Wow. We're oldie, buddy.
Oh, my God. I feel that.
Would Harry Styles be newie? He's newishy. Newishy.
Newishy. Newishy.
Yeah. Yeah, because this is that.
You gotta think.

Speaker 1 Remember that kid that was at the show? He was 16 years old. You think of his world.
We're old. We're fucking old, dude.
Dude, then why does he like us?

Speaker 1 Because we're new. We're newishy.
We're newishy.

Speaker 1 You know that song? I don't know the lyrics, but it's a Harry Styles song. How's on it now? I'm swaying the stars.

Speaker 1 Down this way.

Speaker 1 What is the song? Wait.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can do it in dudes. I can do it in dudes.
I can't do it in. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I can do anything in dudes, dude. You're a true dooter.
I'm a dooder, dude. Yeah, dootor, dude.
But that song, one day, if that song becomes like an oldie,

Speaker 1 I hang you.

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Speaker 1 That would mean that I'm just too old.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 it's like our Sinatra.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? We're going to get there. That Harry Styles will one day be like Sinatra.
He is. I mean,

Speaker 1 for that generation, is he not? Shalamay is kind of like

Speaker 1 not, I was going to say Newman, but... Shalamay is kind of like, who's the best comparatively old actor to Chalamet? He would be like...

Speaker 1 Paul Newman's not too far off. Yeah, it's like a Robert De Niro.
Didn't he? Brando. But De Niro was very brand-specific, right? Brando was more broad.

Speaker 1 Newman was more

Speaker 1 like him because he was very traditionally. Jimmy Stewart.
Jimmy was more. Jimmy had a lot of character-based stuff, too.
Like, he was very kind of.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Yeah.
It's hard.

Speaker 1 Think about this. God, he's good though, huh? He's the best Chalame awesome.
It's unbelievable, that kid. 200 years

Speaker 1 from now, what is the music going to be like? To us, it's going to be like, right, don't you think? You know, it'll be like,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And people are just at the club,

Speaker 1 dancing to that. We're going to be like,

Speaker 1 what is this? Turn that. Turn it off.
You shut down.

Speaker 1 Right? And we're like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 And there's a singer going, ding.

Speaker 1 He's going to ding. He's going to ding.
Yeah, you hear the ding, bump, bop, bop, bop. Right? And we're like, what is this? But the kids are like, you're old.
You don't get it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You guys like lyrics.

Speaker 1 And like, you know what I mean? Melody. Go right to the body.
What's melody? Yeah. Loser.
Oh, my God. And what is a movie going to be like?

Speaker 1 Fuck. It's going to be all around us.
We will be. Like Liari.
Yeah, we'll be living in a movie. Imagine like you're in the Avengers.
Because they're going to do another Avengers 100 years from now.

Speaker 1 They have to keep making it. They're going to remake it.
They have to. Right.
But now, you know what I mean? I'm gonna be the cab driver.

Speaker 1 You know, that cab driver that just dies. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, because I was watching Avengers yesterday again for the 90th time.
I get bored. You gotta.

Speaker 1 And I look at all the extras, right? The lady goes, ah, you know what I mean? With the briefcase down the street, you know what I mean? And I go, where is she going? You know,

Speaker 1 yeah, where is she going? But I also looked up the Avengers that New York scene.

Speaker 1 I go, approximate how many people died in that last scene. 2,600 people died there.
Jesus.

Speaker 1 That scene, 2,600 people died, and no one gives a shit about those people. They're gone.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 You know, what is cinema is going to be us, I guess. It's just going to be alive.
It'll be a thing that's happening. Like live performance.
I think performance art will like morph into life.

Speaker 1 Like art will just become life. Will they be, they'll be merged into one.
You'll just be seeing live performance art.

Speaker 1 Like now, I walked down the street the other day in New York, and these girls were doing like a fucking full TikTok coordinated dance. Their phone is on the window.

Speaker 1 They have no, they're in the middle of the street. They don't even care about the world around them.
We'll just continue to be immersed in this where people are making their own

Speaker 1 realities through virtual reality. Yeah.
And they'll just live through. Or maybe I could be Bob Dylan.
I don't think so. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The gullies are broken. The silly is gone.
Yeah. You know what I mean? The mountains arise and the fountains are done.
Keep going. Yeah.
The Clippers are winning and the Lakers are done.

Speaker 1 Times, they are a changing.

Speaker 1 What do you think?

Speaker 1 Pretty good. Dylan asks, right? You could do one.

Speaker 1 The Mexicans are gone. Trump wants them out.

Speaker 1 Very good. Koreans won't budge.
They'll scream and they'll shout.

Speaker 1 Oh, and then Woody Guthrie's like.

Speaker 1 So that guy Scoot, who played Woody Guthrie, came to the OR because, you know, he's dating my friend Socy. So Socy goes,

Speaker 1 me and Scoot are coming. And I got him a table and they sat and five comics

Speaker 1 all night long pointed to him and goes, great job in the movie. He did do a great job.
Like Mark Marin, like a bunch of people. And it was, I just, and I could see him just like.

Speaker 1 Like take it in. You know what I mean? Like he killed it in that movie.
Imagine what that feels like.

Speaker 1 But you know, like we get audience reactions every night yeah so we know what that's like yeah but we never put out like an award-winning performance this is hmm you think so i don't think we'll no i don't think so

Speaker 1 i don't think so yeah i don't think so you know what this is this the show should be called bare minimum yeah that's what this is yeah two bears one minimum wow yeah you're right but it was nice to see so um i shared with you what um what happened last thursday for to me what um it was a disaster and I'd like to share it on group level, if I may.

Speaker 1 Give it. Okay.

Speaker 1 I get a call from the little hobbit, the punk rock hobbit.

Speaker 1 You know who that is?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 The punk rock hobbit. Just think about it.

Speaker 1 He's a comic. The punk rock hobbit.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He started. Josh Adam Myers? He started comedy later, late in life.
Dean Del Rey. Yes.

Speaker 1 So he calls me, hey, hey, Bobby.

Speaker 1 I'm doing this benefit show. Steven Tyler, baby.
Yeah. Right.
And I go, I don't know. I I don't do well in benefit shows.
You're going to kill.

Speaker 1 So I show up, and Stephen Tyler is in the green room. Wow.
I take a photo with him. Super nice.
Did he ask you, or you ask him? I think he goes, Hey, let's take a photo. I'm serious.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I think that was the vibe. I know he's a fan.
Yeah. And I sat there and I was like, this is cool.
Then Josh Holmes comes in from Queens of the Stone Age. Yeah.
Let me say something.

Speaker 1 I'm one of his biggest fans. I love Queens.
I love Queens. No, no, I love them crooked vultures.

Speaker 1 yeah. Yeah, and I, um,

Speaker 1 and I met him, and I was just like, Oh, are you ever gonna put out another vultures album? He's like, I know, we're all, you know, our schedules, this and that.

Speaker 1 And then, um, Adam Ray goes up, and he's pretty good, and I'm after him. And so, um,

Speaker 1 I go up,

Speaker 1 I open my mouth, and I'm telling you guys right now, I know I told you guys this yesterday, right? I haven't bombed like this in years.

Speaker 1 It was silent in the room, And I, my time, because I want to kill, right?

Speaker 1 Because I'm like, my heroes are in the crowd. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 And about two minutes in, in my periphery, because I know where Josh Holm is sitting, I could just see him stand up and just walk out. No.
Yeah. He walked out of the room.

Speaker 1 What if he was going to make another album?

Speaker 1 You could have inspired him. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 My heart.

Speaker 1 Combusted into my fucking chest plate. Well, Josh, please reach out.
And then I go, you might as well went to the bathroom. And you know what he's doing? He's talking to Adam Ray in the back.
Oh, boy.

Speaker 1 That hurt. It hurt.
And what toppled that over the worst? The server comes to the table the other night. Right after you tell that story.
And the server goes, sorry, I don't know who you guys are.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's okay.
She goes, do you know Adam Ray? Yeah, I remember. You got so fucked up.
I didn't get mad. You were bummed.
I'm proud. You were.
You were bummed too. No, I didn't give a shit at all.

Speaker 1 When your eyes crinkle, dude, you get, that's jealousy. Yeah, you did that.
You did a Clint Eastwood did. You know what I was on.
I was like, I don't want to talk anymore. I want to eat food.

Speaker 1 I'm starving. Yeah.

Speaker 1 She wanted to talk comedy. And, you know, and Adam's having a moment, that's great.
Right. But it's just like, it, it broke my heart.
And you know what? I, the same thing happened to me 18 years ago.

Speaker 1 And I've never shared this because it's so embarrassing. Give it.
So there was this time where Anthony Keidas was really hot on me.

Speaker 1 He was like, you're hitting on you? No, he loved my comedy. Oh.

Speaker 1 I remember one time he, I was playing in Vegas and he brought, that's the reason why I was in the dictator is because he he introduced me to Sasha whoa so I was I was playing the Playboy comedy night at the Palms and Court McCowan comes up to me goes dude fucking Anthony Keatus is here with Sasha Baron Cohen and David Spade

Speaker 1 so they sat watched my set and then they took me to dinner right

Speaker 1 and then

Speaker 1 and then like he would invite me to shows Anthony and then I was doing a show at the El Cid and he brought flea the whole band and they sat in front Wow. It was alternative room.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 I bombed so hard that night, I never talked to him again. He never communicated with you again.
No. Wow.

Speaker 1 I could see them blush and he was embarrassed. You've never bombed in front of your heroes.
Well, you're my hero. And every time I do bad in front of you, it breaks my heart.

Speaker 1 No, you've never, you always kill it in front of your heroes. Did you like that? That's not even remotely true.
Dude,

Speaker 1 you know what?

Speaker 1 You know, that's not even remotely true. In fact, in fact, in fact, in fact, in front of like famous people, no, I don't have any good stories of like famous people coming to see me.

Speaker 1 The only good story I had was when Catherine O'Hara came to see me. Where? At the improv.
Wow. When? I told you guys that story.
No, we never heard that. When? I've never told that on

Speaker 1 the show. I have told the story.
Yeah. I was auditioning for a show.
He did a TV show for HBO. Okay.
I auditioned for the show. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then by way of somehow through a manager or something,

Speaker 1 She obviously is so close with guest. She came and saw me at the improv and somebody was like, hey, I think Catherine O'Hira O'Hira is here to see you.
Wow. And I was like, fuck, really?

Speaker 1 I was so bummed. I was by the bar.
I was like, fuck, this is not good. Because,

Speaker 1 what the fuck am I going to do? Right.

Speaker 1 I go up. I have a fine set.
It was good. Of course you did.
Well, the rhythm, the rhythm was nice. The room was good.
And then I go back. Like, I nervously like walked by the room.
And then

Speaker 1 I go into the, you know, to the green room. Yeah.
And I was like, oh, I should go say, I want to go say hi. Maybe.
And then the guy that was working at the booth was like, she left.

Speaker 1 I was like, fuck, dude. And he was like, no, no, no, no.
She sat, watched your whole show, was laughing. And then, as soon as you got done, she got up and she went back home.

Speaker 1 And I never heard about it ever again. Christopher never

Speaker 1 spoke to him about it. I never heard anything about it.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Kind of crazy. That's cool.
It felt so

Speaker 1 rock star. I don't know if she was like, if she like caught wind, and I don't even know how it happened that it was like, I'm going to go watch that guy.

Speaker 1 So I have, you know, that there's a movie idea that I've, my, my, my friend McGrail and I came up with, And there's a pretty big male

Speaker 1 actor that

Speaker 1 is curious about a role.

Speaker 1 Like a big guy. He's pretty, I don't want to say who it is, but he wants to see me sometime in the next couple of weeks perform.
But I'm afraid that it's going to be another

Speaker 1 Josh Holmes situation. No chance.
And Josh, by the way, reach out. He's not mad.
No, I know. It's all in my head.
He was so nice to me, by the way. And I'm a huge fan.
He's such a great talent.

Speaker 1 Imagine if he emails Carlos in the booth at gmail.com and he's like, please tell Bobby that I do love him.

Speaker 1 And I've hit the ball so many times, too. I mean, I mean, you almost always

Speaker 1 almost every time I do. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Sometimes we foul tip it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. We're going to foul tip it.
Yeah, sometimes you do. Who's here? Dex.

Speaker 1 Bring him in. Yeah, bring him in.
Bring in our boy.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 Look who it is. Oh, my God.
Did you cut your hair?

Speaker 1 Not recently. Well, I took a shower a second ago.

Speaker 1 That's it. That's it.
That's it. That's it.

Speaker 1 I think you nailed it. That's it, buddy.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Hello. Welcome back to the show, Dax Flame, everybody.
You look

Speaker 1 like you had a spiritual experience. Like, you look like a different person.

Speaker 1 I exercised also today.

Speaker 1 And shower. What did we do in the exercise? What did we do? I played basketball with a friend.

Speaker 1 Can I see your three-point stance?

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.
Whoa. One-on-one?

Speaker 1 No, just shooting.

Speaker 1 You guys were just shooting together? How long do you shoot for? Maybe 30 minutes to an hour. And do you break a sweat or no? Yes.
Are you wearing these clothes that you're wearing now?

Speaker 1 No, I wore shorts today.

Speaker 1 Oh, you did? Wow. I've never seen your legs before.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I usually wear jeans or pants. Are your legs nice?

Speaker 1 Let's see. You can see them if you want.
Yeah, I'd like to see them. Well, I'd like to see one.
Whoa. Whoa, those are pretty good legs, actually.
Thank you. They're World War II legs.

Speaker 1 Those are. That's like Normandy.
You know what I mean? Like, just a traditional white. That's Normandy.
Those are Normandy. Yeah, Normandy legs, dude.
Traditional white. Have you ever stormed a beach?

Speaker 1 No. Do you go to the beach?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I never swim. Yeah, you shouldn't.
Yeah. You shouldn't.
You don't know what's out there. You know who you're, you know what guy you are on Normandy? Who?

Speaker 1 The guy that kind of catches on fire.

Speaker 1 But then you run in the ocean. Is that the, is Saving Private Ryan? Is that where that started? Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 But then you run in the ocean, you only half burnt, but then you pretend you're dead in the the water. Okay.
Then the war passes, and then you, and then you're back.

Speaker 1 Would you play dead in war, do you think? In a movie or in real war? No, real war, it's coming. If I didn't think I had a chance anymore.
You just play dead, play possum. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Unless there is like someone I could potentially help.

Speaker 1 Let's play it out. All right.
We're in one of those, I don't know what you call it, but you know, in the beginning of Saving Private Ryan, they're in that

Speaker 1 U-boat. Well, no, U boats are the submarines, right? Yeah, but it's one of those boats where, like, you know, and they're always like either vomiting, right? And they're just super scared.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And bullets

Speaker 1 whizzing by, right?

Speaker 1 And they're holding, and there's always one guy with a cross, and he kisses it, right?

Speaker 1 Right? There's always one guy like that. And there's another guy going, mama.
You know what I mean? There's a mama guy always. And there's one guy going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Rogan.

Speaker 1 The killer. Joe Rogan.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Overcompensating, right? Jacked up on alpha.
Right. So then the thing closes

Speaker 1 goes down.

Speaker 1 And then you see two or three guys in the front just go down down right away right what do you do what do you do so i see two people just diarrate yeah well you're like fourth row you know what i mean yeah you know franky castro dies in front of you right devon sanchez dies in front of you marco jackson jackson dies in front of you yeah marco swano marco swano dies in front of you and then what do you do

Speaker 1 stay in the boat

Speaker 1 stay in the boat you don't move forward to the peach i mean if every single person is getting killed they are no but but you're you're fucking cap with what do you call it captain or you're sergeant.

Speaker 1 You're a sergeant. Yeah, sergeant's going come on flame

Speaker 1 move forward flame

Speaker 1 get going flame and you're just gonna sit there

Speaker 1 people are dying. You just sit there flame.
Yeah, I would I'd probably just point out that every single person has died as they left. Oh, all right.
That's pretty logical. They're pretty logical.

Speaker 1 It does make sense. Yeah.
You know what? You'd probably go overboard on the other side, under the water. They would throw me over, you're saying?

Speaker 1 Because if you were in front of me and you weren't moving, right, I would throw you over so I could get forward. And then you would get killed, right? I don't know yet.

Speaker 1 It's the odds are bad, but it's like I have to go forward. I would use you as a human shield.
Yeah, me too. I think I would grab you and I would just have my flame shield.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And you're just getting

Speaker 1 what that looks like.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you know what I would do too?

Speaker 1 When he's down,

Speaker 1 when he's down, you know what I would do? Yeah. I would steal something.
You know what what I would steal from him? His morphine packet. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Morphine packet.

Speaker 1 And you would feel every pain

Speaker 1 of your death. I wouldn't inject you with the morphine because you were a coward.
That would probably, yeah, that would make more sense than just people going forward using someone as a shield.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Pretty heavily.
Dude, that was a brutal scene. What's been going on with you, Dax?

Speaker 1 What's been happening in your life? Somebody told me that you're seeing somebody now. I heard a rumor that you're dating somebody famous.
Do Do you know this? Oh, that's not accurate.

Speaker 1 He's got a famous girlfriend. He's being shy about her.
I'm jealous. Just tell him.

Speaker 1 Emma Watson.

Speaker 1 He's dating Emma Watson.

Speaker 1 He's been seen. Paparazzi have caught them out in public.
You're really dating Emma Watson?

Speaker 1 Why are you being dying?

Speaker 1 She asked me to keep it private, but I don't like to keep anything. I mean, we can cut it out.
Are you being real right now? Yeah, he is. Do you want us to cut it out? Yeah.

Speaker 1 We should go.

Speaker 1 Is there a photo? There was a paparazzi photo. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I want to see Dax and Emma together. I kind of believe it.
No, they are. Really? No.
Real quick. Is that him? Yeah.

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Speaker 1 Isn't that crazy? It's crazy, dude. So, you, so, how did you guys meet? How did you meet Emma Watson? I went to a Harry Potter thing,

Speaker 1 like a meetup or a convention, or what was that? A book signing. Oh, okay, right on.
Oh, a book signing. And you were signing the books.

Speaker 1 Emma. Oh, Emma Watson was.
Did you just run game on her?

Speaker 1 So I'm Emma Watson.

Speaker 1 Hello. Welcome.
You want me to sign your book? Hello.

Speaker 1 I'm her publicist, Ramon.

Speaker 1 Hello. That's my publicist, Ramon.
Would you like me to sign a book? Uh, yeah. Wonderful.
What's your name? Dax. Dax, you're cute.
Thank you. So are you.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 I don't know why you're signing that. That's eyes wide shut, the script.
Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Is this the script for American Psycho?

Speaker 1 Listen.

Speaker 1 Are you a big fan? Yes. You want a photo? Yes.
Alright, anything else? Alright.

Speaker 1 Hurry up.

Speaker 1 How's your day going? Pretty bad. Oh, my God.
I mean, not not bad at all, really.

Speaker 1 It's better that you're here. Oh, thank you.
What kind of things do you like to do?

Speaker 1 I mean, count money.

Speaker 1 These things are probably the worst. Go shopping, eating food.
Crab cap. Crab cake.
Crab, crabcap. I love crabcap cakes.

Speaker 1 I love

Speaker 1 as well.

Speaker 1 I'm a big.

Speaker 1 I love olchata. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's very good. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So.

Speaker 1 Salsa verde. Love salsa verde.

Speaker 1 If she's eating Mexican food, she loves salsa verde. What's your favorite place to get it? Mexican food.

Speaker 1 Maybe like

Speaker 1 still taco.

Speaker 1 Piquito mash. Okay.

Speaker 1 Uh, we should go there sometime. You're asking me out on a date?

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.
You've got quite the confidence, little man. Thank you.

Speaker 1 You're absolutely incredible, dude. Are you cut or uncut?

Speaker 1 Uh, have you got a sleeve or is it a muffin?

Speaker 1 Um, it's I'm circumcised, yeah.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 How big is it limp?

Speaker 1 Normally. Excuse me for a second.
Emma, there's a long line. Yeah, they can wait.
I know, but it's like, you know, we've had a heart out and funny. It's quite horny, so they can wait.
I know, but.

Speaker 1 How big is it limp?

Speaker 1 I'm uncomfortable with your publicist hearing. Oh, close your ears.
Okay.

Speaker 1 How big is it? Average, normal. Great.
Uncover. Okay.
I heard it still, but if it's at average, Tom Hardy's in line. Really? Yeah, he's going to ask you out.

Speaker 1 Well, give me your number and take me out on a date. Okay.

Speaker 1 I can't wait to see you. Where are you going to take her?

Speaker 1 Paiquito Moss.

Speaker 1 Get more creative. Get more creative.

Speaker 1 Hi-ho? That was the place. Hi-ho.
Hambo. Hi-po.
It's O-Tell.

Speaker 1 After the date, what would you want to do?

Speaker 1 What do you want to do to me?

Speaker 1 Maybe. I'm yours, Dex.
Oh,

Speaker 1 what would you do to me? In the villa. We have a villa.

Speaker 1 I guess make out.

Speaker 1 Make out.

Speaker 1 Then?

Speaker 1 Maybe see whatever you're comfortable with. I'm comfortable with all of it.
Tell me what you like. You want me to spit on you, kick you, pull your hair?

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 maybe just play it by ear. You want me to play with your ears?

Speaker 1 Sure. Wonderful.

Speaker 1 Grab his ears.

Speaker 1 Shin his mouth.

Speaker 1 Dude, I see how you got her.

Speaker 1 Really good. Well, let me tell you something.
We've had a lot of submissions to break up your relationship. You know this? We've had women who have submitted to date you.
Do you know this? Okay.

Speaker 1 Put on your headphones so you can hear this woman if you'd like. Right there.
Let's be honest, okay?

Speaker 1 If you really want to go on a date, there's a lot of women out there. And if you really are dating Emma Watson, so some of these women need to get in line.
People need to know.

Speaker 1 So this woman will be second. Let's see.

Speaker 2 Hi, Dex.

Speaker 2 My name is Katie. I'm 34 years old.

Speaker 2 I am a single mom. I have a four-year-old son that lives with me full-time.
I work in Orange County. I work at a veterinary hospital.
I'm a practice manager.

Speaker 2 So I'm around

Speaker 2 animals all day, pretty much.

Speaker 2 I do like to go to comedy shows. I was at the comedy store a few weeks ago when you opened for Bobby and Andrew, and that was awesome.

Speaker 2 You were super funny.

Speaker 2 And I like going to hockey games. I'm a huge hockey fan.

Speaker 2 I like good food.

Speaker 2 I don't really know what else to say, but yeah, hopefully I get to talk to you soon.

Speaker 1 She's a babe. Brood.
She's a babe.

Speaker 1 She works with animals, babe. Hockey, babe.
She's very pretty. Yeah.
She's pretty. We did not pay her to say.
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.
In case you have that. Honestly, honestly, how do you feel?

Speaker 1 let's be real good you do about her yeah is this someone that might be your type uh yeah right on do you like hockey at all no

Speaker 1 could you pretend to like it uh yeah all right check it out we're at the hockey game they're we're at the anaheim ducks game and they're playing the edmonton oilers look at them out there uh which one do you like the most that guy who you ruined for oh the oilers or the no

Speaker 1 dude we got to get that part right yeah yeah the ducks anaheim ducks ducks dude orange county okay yeah

Speaker 1 What position do you like the most on the ice? Who do you like? Goalie. You love the goalie.

Speaker 1 Nice, dude. You like to protect.
Yes. Yeah, you seem like a protector.
Yeah. Right on, man.
And she has a four-year-old son. You can be comfortable with another young man around.
A child. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. A puck comes towards you.
What do you do?

Speaker 1 Whoa. You grab it? No, you grab it with your mouth.

Speaker 1 Like a seal, dude. You go,

Speaker 1 and then good like that. Well, no, he grabbed it.
What if he puts in his mouth afterwards? Oh, that's true. Wow.
Did you catch the puck? Do it again.

Speaker 1 Whoa, whoa,

Speaker 1 whoa.

Speaker 1 And then, okay, so great. You gonna take her on a date?

Speaker 1 In real life or in hockey? In real life. Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, before you do, her four-year-old son is right here. This is Milo.
Hi. And you have to tell Milo that you're going to take his mom on a date because he's a little uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 And he's got a tip.

Speaker 1 It's cool to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Speaker 1 How is how how are you? I I I I I I I

Speaker 1 I I

Speaker 1 Good

Speaker 1 Do you go to school?

Speaker 1 You seem really cool. You go go.

Speaker 1 Do you like hockey?

Speaker 1 Yep, yep. Gretzky.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, Wayne Gretzky. No, John.

Speaker 1 John Wayne Gretzky. John Wayne Gretzky.
John Wayne Gretzky. My favorite serial killer.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I don't know if you're willing to leave Emma Watson, but Bad Friends will pay for you to take a girl on a beautiful date. If you'd like to take any of these women on a date, we will pay for the date.

Speaker 1 And I'm talking start to finish. Okay.
We'll get you a car service. We'll get you a nice dinner.
We'll pick up the bill. We'll, you know, movie.
Whatever you want to do afterwards. I'll be there.

Speaker 1 Bobby will have to chaperon. We have to chaperone.
Would y'all both be there? Would you like us both to be there?

Speaker 1 So it would either be just you or just the two of you? No, I'm.

Speaker 1 I'm probably not going to be there.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait. I'm sorry.
Be honest with me, dude. Let's get this out in the open, dude.
Why are you uncomfortable with just me being there?

Speaker 1 Well, I think if there's just one other person on a date,

Speaker 1 it might feel... Well, I actually don't...
I don't know yet. You don't know.
True. Exactly.
Would you like me and Bobby to go on a double date with you and one of of these girls?

Speaker 1 Oh, like you would bring people. I bring my own date.
You bring a date. No, I'll just die.
You bring your wife. You and I date each other.
Oh, yeah, yeah. We'll bring

Speaker 1 us two together. We're on a date.

Speaker 1 That could be distracting.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but it might make things less.

Speaker 1 How about this? We'll pay for a date with you and one of these nice young ladies if you feel like, or many if you'd like. And you just report back and tell us how it went.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you want us to be there? I don't think we'd want to be there. Okay.
Do you want us to be there?

Speaker 1 Be honest.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I have to think. Yeah.
Think about it.

Speaker 1 But okay, if you were... Do you have a car yet? Yes.
Good. That's good.
Thank you. Congratulations.
You got a new car? No, it's not new. But I mean, you got a car.
Yeah. Did you not have a car before?

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, I did.
Oh, you did? You always had a car. Yeah.
I know.

Speaker 1 I thought he didn't. A Subaru.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's a good car. Thank you.
Yeah. Would you drive to Orange County to take her on a date?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I will say there's a couple hockey games coming up. Maybe we can get you to one of those hockey games with that girl if you're interested.
Do you hook up on the first date or no?

Speaker 1 Generally or no?

Speaker 1 If I felt comfortable with someone and there was a good... Yeah,

Speaker 1 then I would be comfortable too.

Speaker 1 I believe that.

Speaker 1 I believe that.

Speaker 1 If you had an unlimited budget to take a girl out on a date to a restaurant or whatever, where are you taking her? We're paying. Bad friends are paying.
Don't worry about it. No, how about this?

Speaker 1 A weekend?

Speaker 1 A weekend? A getaway, right?

Speaker 1 We will pay for everything. You just tell us what...
Sky's the limit. Yeah, where do you want to go? Where do you want to go? We will.

Speaker 1 We're travel agents. Yeah.
And, you know. Tokyo.

Speaker 1 Little Tokyo. Yes.

Speaker 1 Little Tokyo in downtown L.A. Right.
That's what you mean. Or Tokyo, Japan.

Speaker 1 Tokyo, Japan. Okay,

Speaker 1 Tokyo, Japan. That's great.
So, did you write that down, Tokyo? I did. I heard it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little expensive.
It is, but we're gonna do it. Okay, yeah.
So, um,

Speaker 1 and we're first class

Speaker 1 for both of you. Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 First class, both of them.

Speaker 1 Interesting. Yeah.
That'll be cheap. Yeah.
What hotel, like the we're already ten thousand dollars. Yeah, we're deep.
This is bad. Yeah, yeah.
Park Hyatt? What hotel? Yeah, park Hyatt.

Speaker 1 That's Park Hyatt. Okay, he knows.

Speaker 1 How much is the Park Hyatt? Boston Translation. Yeah, a couple thousand a night.
A couple thousand? Yeah. How many nights is that? I think, how long are you going to stay there? A couple weeks.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. 14.

Speaker 1 14 times what? That's 2,500. Yeah, yeah.
So we're talking about 30 grand along with the flights, 40. We're about 50 grand.
We're sinking right now. Yeah, yeah.
50 grand.

Speaker 1 And then Euro Dreams of Sushi, you want to go see Euro on the subway? Yeah, what? Subway. Okay, that's another

Speaker 1 grand. Two grand.
Five. Five grand from Euro.
All right.

Speaker 1 Can we go now just like, you know, like dumplings and stuff after that or now? For a couple of days.

Speaker 1 Okay. Oh, he's got to manage.
Okay. And so then what are some of the activities you would like to do?

Speaker 1 Should probably just walk around and look at stuff. Okay.
That'll be cheap. That's cheap.
Thank God. Yeah.
This guy's going to buy a bullet train or something. Yeah.
Have you been to Japan before?

Speaker 1 Yes. And you loved it.
I got the flu, so that's why I want to go back and

Speaker 1 not get sick.

Speaker 1 Wait, you got the flu on your way there once you got there? On day two. Oh, my God.
What was that like? Depressing.

Speaker 1 How did you get it? Do you think you got it from traveling? Yeah, probably from just from traveling. Was it a bug or the physical, like you were.

Speaker 1 They told me it was the flu because then I went and like went to the doctor to see if I needed any medicine and they said it was the flu

Speaker 1 it wasn't covered it was before COVID after wow wow wow that's incredible and how long were you there with the flu uh one week so one day healthy and then six days sick and then I went back so you were in bed for six days well yeah I mean the second day I was kind of like just kind of like walking around but feeling bad and I was like I'm just gonna relax at my hotel and then I just started to feel really bad wow so you spent six days in in a hotel, basically.

Speaker 1 Yes. Who'd you go with? Just solo.

Speaker 1 Dax. You're by yourself.
Sick in Japan. Sick in Japan.
By yourself. That's the saddest.
Did you ever write a song about this? No. You should.
Okay. Sick in Japan.
Sing it now. Sick in Japan.

Speaker 1 Let's hear it. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, with the debut of Sick in Japan by Dax Flame.

Speaker 1 I was excited.

Speaker 1 Bought my ticket. Let's take this trip.

Speaker 1 Wow. It's awesome going around,

Speaker 1 but there's something else going around. It's the flu, and I miss you.

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, sick in Japan, sick in Japan.

Speaker 1 It's pretty sick.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you fly first class? No. Why'd you ask first class for this trip? Yeah, what's going on? You said unlimited budgets.
We did, yeah. That's true.
That's my bad. I gotta be honest with you.

Speaker 1 I kind of want to send this him to Japan. I know.
Like, I really now feel bad. I want you to go.

Speaker 1 I'll go.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Should we pay for him to go to Japan? I think that's a fucking rad move.

Speaker 1 Would you love that?

Speaker 1 I would love that, but no pressure. But how about this?

Speaker 1 Here's the twist. You've got to go to LAX right now.

Speaker 1 Twist would be you have to leave from the podcast and go to... You have to go literally now.

Speaker 1 You might not even be able to go home. Yeah.
We'll buy you a kimono. Okay.
Right?

Speaker 1 One of those, you know what I mean, chopstick hair things.

Speaker 1 You got to put those. What do you you think, Dax? Would you go to Japan right now if we bought you a ticket? There's two flights tonight.
I do need my laptop.

Speaker 1 Why? You want to watch Netflix? What are you doing? So I can edit. Yeah, he wants to be able to edit and shoot.
Oh, edit your shit. Yeah, because I have videos that I have to post still.

Speaker 1 I could make new ones. Or we could maybe bring a friend of yours to shoot.
He's going to work out there, right? No, he's got to go alone because he wants to relive that solo experience in Japan.

Speaker 1 That's the beauty of Japan. Am I right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Who shoots with you normally? My friend.
Yeah, I met him. Yeah, we met him.
We met him. Yeah, I met that guy.

Speaker 1 I think we should send him to fucking Japan, dude.

Speaker 1 What's cheaper? What's cheaper? Yeah. Mongolia or something.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Would you like to go to Mongolia?

Speaker 1 I don't know anything about it.

Speaker 1 It's great. There's a Genghis Khan Museum.

Speaker 1 That'd be cool. Yeah, yeah.
And you like Mongolian beef? Yes. They got that.
A lot of that. They got that.
There it is.

Speaker 1 I got to tell you. And the eagle? Look at the eagle.
Look at the eagle. Do you like Mongolian eagles?

Speaker 1 That looks pretty cool. Like, I'd like to see that.
Dude, look at how much.

Speaker 1 You're going to get sick out there. No way.

Speaker 1 You get healthier, if anything. Yeah.
Imagine us on a donkey with the eagle on our arm, dude. You and I.

Speaker 1 Us three going there. Now I'm watching.
That's you and me, and that's you, me, and Bobby. That's Bobby with the eagle.

Speaker 1 Imagine that life.

Speaker 1 The fresh air. It does look really, really refreshing and interesting.

Speaker 1 I really want to send him to Japan. Okay, Japan.
I really mean it. I'm not even fucking kidding for the show.
I really want to send him to Japan. Well, let's just fucking do it, man.
Okay, fine.

Speaker 1 We're going to send you to Japan. Look at that, though.

Speaker 1 Huh?

Speaker 1 Cool.

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen a skeleton cow?

Speaker 1 What is that next to that lady?

Speaker 1 That's insane looking. Mongolia, dude.
What is that? Cow. That's a cow?

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Ono.

Speaker 1 What time is it right now? What time is it? 8. It's 8.
8.01.

Speaker 1 Is there a midnight flight? Would you really go tonight if we booked you a flight? Well, I would have to get my passport. Yeah, we'd send you home and then.
Of course. Okay, there's an 1120.

Speaker 1 I am supposed to go to New York on Friday. Why? Because someone wanted me to come make videos for them.
Would you rather go to Japan?

Speaker 1 Could I do both? You want us to fly.

Speaker 1 We'll fly you round trip from LA to Japan and back. So you leave tonight at midnight, 11:20 p.m.

Speaker 1 You lose two days. You know that, right? Let's see.
We get him back when you come back. Yeah.
Is it really that long? Well, he has to stop. There's only a stop at night.
There's no direct at night.

Speaker 1 Huh, 22 hours. You willing to stop? Stop is 10 hours.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah? Because you want to go to Japan. Can we stop him in Mongolia at least?

Speaker 1 There's got to be a cheaper one.

Speaker 1 How much is it? $9.40,000. You have a five-hour stop.
He wants first class, though, dude. I mean,

Speaker 1 how much is first class? First class is so expensive. Just to see what it is.
How much is first class? $20,000. $20,000? That's how much it costs to go to fucking job.
But both ways or just one way?

Speaker 1 That's got to be both ways. It's got to be both ways.
Round trip. We hope so.
And what's business?

Speaker 1 That's insane.

Speaker 1 20 grand? Yeah, we do business, right? We do business when we travel. We better be doing business.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't do it first.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
Imagine that.

Speaker 1 Imagine how many little Japanese guys can do that. They just do that all the time.
Like little Japanese businessmen, they fly that all the time. Little, huh? Some of them are bigger.
Which ones?

Speaker 1 That's true. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. There's business.
5,000. Let me say this.
And I'm not kidding. I'm not making a joke.
When you get back from New York, you call the boys.

Speaker 1 And we are immediately going to book you a flight to Japan. Wow.
Okay. I'll do it if you still want to then.
No, I want to now. So we will do it.
The boys know. We will book you a flight to Japan.

Speaker 1 You want to go, though.

Speaker 1 You want to go with him? No. Okay.

Speaker 1 But don't you want to go? Let's all go. Well, we're going to Korea.
Aren't we? We're going to Korea. That's what you say, but I don't know, man.
Do you not want to go?

Speaker 1 I do want to go, but is that real? Yeah, it's literally. I have to go.
I know you have to go.

Speaker 1 But who's going to fly me there? They will. But they're going to give me business.
Of course. Okay.
Okay. Yes.
I'm acting like a baby. Yeah, I'd like to go.
Of course you're going to go. I'll go.
Dax.

Speaker 1 Dax. Will you go to Korea with us? Yeah.
Dude, how funny if he got sick again in Japan? Oh, I'm going to get him sick. The second time? Yeah, yeah.
We can plan that.

Speaker 1 Be one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. We get him sick on purpose to the second trip to Japan.
Do you speak Japanese? No. Try.

Speaker 1 Good. Done.
Very good. That's all you need to do.
You're done. Dude, I thought it was a Japanese digital.

Speaker 1 Say it again. Ohio gozaimasu.

Speaker 1 When they walk into the restaurant? Yeah. Yeah, I get that.
It's funny. You're scared of doing the accent.
I know.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You are scared of it.
I don't know. Yeah, I don't know how that would sound.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You've never done that at home. Like, come on, Dax.

Speaker 1 You know, you've done different accents at home, not on camera, because you're afraid to get canceled.

Speaker 1 To do the Japanese accent while speaking Japanese. Yeah.

Speaker 1 At home. In your privacy, you do it.

Speaker 1 Maybe.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, you've done like urban guys at home.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Maybe I can't remember specifically yeah you how about rednecks have you done can you do a redneck You know I mean impression you could because it's white go ahead. Hey y'all

Speaker 1 Hey, hey

Speaker 1 do you do you like do you do you like

Speaker 1 Trailers? I do do yeah we do you have one for sale? Yeah.

Speaker 1 How much? Yeah, well tell us about it. I don't want to just buy out

Speaker 1 how much you got

Speaker 1 what that's not how it works.

Speaker 1 Explain to me what kind of trailer is, what are the convenient things about it and the utilities.

Speaker 1 Just like a trailer hitch and

Speaker 1 we always wanted a trailer hitch, yeah, yeah, hitch.

Speaker 1 What else?

Speaker 1 Little

Speaker 1 bed to a bed.

Speaker 1 We love little beds. Little bed to bed? Yeah, a little bed to bed.
Little bed to bed. You have a medium bed to bed? Yep.
Okay, we'll get a medium bed to bed. Yeah.
And what else?

Speaker 1 TV.

Speaker 1 Ooh, what kind, though? Color. Color tv you know what kind of screen flat screen oh that's nice how big

Speaker 1 36 inch tv wow that's not big at all not big at all but okay 48 inches that's still pretty small yeah but that's fine what else is there is there um a bathroom yep okay how many one two

Speaker 1 one or you're losing your accent sir where are you from

Speaker 1 yeah yeah where are you really from sir texas you're from texas yeah yeah What part?

Speaker 1 Dallas. Really? Where? Oh, my cousins.
My cousins live in Dallas. They just moved there.

Speaker 1 Which area? North of Dallas.

Speaker 1 Like Frisco? We love North of Dallas. Don't we love North of Dallas? We love North of Dallas.
We love it there.

Speaker 1 Nice. Piano bars.
So are you going to sell us this trailer? Yep. What are you asking for it?

Speaker 1 $15,000.

Speaker 1 No. Wow.
That's like a flight to Japan.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. He's having a nervous pressure.
That's what I was saying. That's so weird.
Seems like they have a nervousness. Yeah, yeah.
Is that what you're doing? You selling everything?

Speaker 1 Because you're moving to Japan? Yeah. Wait, did something happen?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I got sick last time I was there.

Speaker 1 We should bring him to.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know. Don't say it.
Yeah, yeah. Don't say it out loud.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We got some plans for you, bud.

Speaker 1 You like us as family? We feel like family to you. Yeah.
He did. Can I ask you a question?

Speaker 1 Me specifically?

Speaker 1 Okay, go ahead. My friend said she met you, and she said said that I'm friends with Dex, and you said he's a friend.
Oh, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Wait, wait, stop.

Speaker 1 Stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Stop. Don't

Speaker 1 stop. I know what you're going to say.
And I know this is a true story.

Speaker 1 I know that's the one. Hold on.
Yes, it is. Your friend's lying, okay? No.
Yeah, yeah. And I did it in a funny way.

Speaker 1 You know how funny I am, right? Right? I do things in a comedic way, right? Do I not? You do. Right.
Everything I say is like,

Speaker 1 with a hint of like

Speaker 1 comedy. Right? Say what she said.

Speaker 1 Let him say it. What did she say? She said, Bobby said, that guy smells weird.

Speaker 1 Did you say Dak smells weird? One of our brothers?

Speaker 1 Yeah, smells weird.

Speaker 1 I didn't ask about the body language.

Speaker 1 How do you feel about that, bud? Do you think Dak smells weird? Is that how you perceive him? Dude. He's our friend.

Speaker 1 Can we work out the conversation here, okay? Yeah. Oh, I'm friends with Dak.
Yeah, he smells weird.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? I was kidding. That's not funny.
I know. Maybe it wasn't.
My bad.

Speaker 1 He doesn't feel it smells weird. That's why I could say it.
But that's really mean, I think. Yeah.
Can you call him and tell him you smell? Your friend, right? She has another thing coming now.

Speaker 1 Okay. Right.
And

Speaker 1 I said it in a comedic way, but when you started talking, I knew exactly what you were talking about. Because when I said it, and this is what a great friend she is, she was so mad on your behalf.

Speaker 1 She was pissed. Oh my God, yeah.
Will you call her? She's like, what? She goes, what the fuck do you mean? Great. And I go, I'm just kidding.
Will you call her right now? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Should I wear you shower today?

Speaker 1 Can I text her and ask her if it's

Speaker 1 her? Yeah, yeah. Text her.

Speaker 1 Because I want, because Bobby's willing to apologize. Because let me say something about my best friend, Bobby Lee.
He will. He will make up for his mistakes.

Speaker 1 Always. Am I right?

Speaker 1 Oh, God. Am I right?

Speaker 1 I hate being embarrassed. You make good.

Speaker 1 You always make good. You always have.
He's done everyone the right thing. Also, can I just say another thing? I'm proud of you, Dax, because

Speaker 1 it's something that you wouldn't say. Right.
Right? I feel like you're like, I want to, right?

Speaker 1 You would hold things within yourself because you're kind of shy. And you were very confrontational there.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable by confronting you.

Speaker 1 I asked her if, I told her that,

Speaker 1 I said, can I call you? I want to ask you about the smell thing on Bad Friends. And what'd she say? Nothing.
She hasn't replied. I turned it off of silent mode.
So that. Okay.
I can't believe that.

Speaker 1 I believe every second of it. No, I cannot believe it.

Speaker 1 I honestly do. I didn't say it to be offensive.
It was just like a funny thing. We know it was a joke.
I know, but it's like, but

Speaker 1 she was being a good friend to you.

Speaker 1 What did she say? She said, no, he doesn't. What the fuck do you mean by that? And I was like, oh, it's just...
Just kidding. Just kidding.
Yeah. And she was like, no, it sounded real

Speaker 1 and i'm like

Speaker 1 how did you meet this person at the store i don't remember i i know that she was i think she at the improv at the improv is what happened yeah she performed oh she's a comic yeah she comic oh new to comedy she's new to comedy well new to stand-up stand-up comedy and so um

Speaker 1 now when she said it to you was she saying it like be careful of that guy he's an asshole no okay what is she how did she say it she just told me that story

Speaker 1 Oh my God, I'm embarrassed. Was this the girl that we talked about the other night? No.

Speaker 1 Some completely, I'd never seen her before. She seems super nice.
You know what I mean? She was a little nervous about comedy because she even said that. I think she's like, I'm new to this.
Right.

Speaker 1 You'll be fine or something. You know what I mean? And then she goes, I'm friends with Dax, and I go, oh, yeah, he smells weird.
And she goes, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 No, it's the same girl. I would not say that again.

Speaker 1 One and done.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 Dax, can I say something? Thank you.

Speaker 1 I apologize. I accept.
No, I don't. No, really listen.
Okay. Well, I don't have a sense of smell, so

Speaker 1 I take showers whenever I'm going to be around people

Speaker 1 because I can't tell anymore since I lost my sense of smell a couple years ago. From COVID?

Speaker 1 So you can't smell at all. Yeah.
Seriously? Yeah. Nothing.
Nothing. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Now do you feel bad?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'm going to tell you something right now.

Speaker 1 When you tell me that's not true, you don't smell bad. You don't? Okay.

Speaker 1 You've never smelled bad. I've never even smelled you all.
When would I have the opportunity to? Well, he's here all. You don't hug.
That's what I said. I said, I'm usually sitting like seven.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and when you leave,

Speaker 1 we don't cross paths. You know, so I want to say something, okay? I said it as a joke.

Speaker 1 No, I was, listen, I want to say something to you, okay?

Speaker 1 I honestly, I love you so much. Yeah.

Speaker 1 and i'm it's a blessing that you get to do our show i mean that we have you on our show

Speaker 1 came out weird yeah yeah but i do feel no no no that's not what i meant what i'm saying it's a blessing that you do our show we think you're an asset you make our show so much more interesting and fun i agree you know i mean you're so important to us i would never do anything to burn this bridge i really think that you're you're a sweet guy you're a funny guy i think you're brave when you did that show with us at the comedy store in the main room

Speaker 1 in the main room you know how difficult that was and you crushed it thank you you know what i mean i only see you as an ally and a and and a brother thank you and i said it i was trying to act cool because she was a she was hot your friend her her his friend is beautiful okay so i'm sorry thank you but you know what bucky occasionally will use comedy to deflect when he's uncomfortable so maybe she her beauty blew him away would you want me to say anything to her yeah i'm sorry that she had to hear that okay okay no that's not no what you want us it was a a joke.

Speaker 1 Tell her. Clearly he's kidding.
No. I apologize.
Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. Let's squash it.
Squash the beef. I wasn't.
Yeah, I didn't feel offended. Good.
Thank you, Dax.

Speaker 1 Have you ever been offended by us on this show? No.

Speaker 1 Good.

Speaker 1 We love you so. Anyway, look in the camera.
Thank you for being a bad friend. The best.