Bobby's Baby Powder

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Hey guys, you guys love loved ones? Loving loved ones is important. And Valentine's good.
Valentine's Day is next week and I'll be in Boston. If you're not there.
Four shows. At the big theater.
Wilbur Theater. They're doing four shows.
Yeah. Bring your loved ones.
Yeah. Come out Boston Boston.
Come see me. February 14th and 15th, and then the week after that in Minneapolis, Minnesota, I'm doing four shows.
I'm filming my special. Please come out and see it.
My Hulu special will be taped in the beloved Minneapolis, Minnesota. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
andrewsantino.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
Sesame Street welcomes TJ, the first Filipino-American Muppet. Finally.
Finally, dude. Dude, finally.
Finally, dude. Yeah.
What are the comments at?

Anything rude?

We made it.

We made it.

He's studying to be a nurse, right?

Somebody said that?

Yeah, that's still really funny.

Sesame Street welcomes first nurse puppet.

But here's what I don't get.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

About Sesame Street?

Yeah.

Is there a Chinese one?

Yeah.

What? Elmo? Yeah. About Sesame Street? Yeah.
Is there a Chinese one? Yeah. What? Elmo? Yeah.
Elmo Chinese? Elmo Chinese? Who, me? I'm Chinese. I'm Chinese.
Yeah, look, I can tell you what everybody is just based on it. Oh, yeah, yeah.
All right. Okay, let's go.
That's Ernie, right? Yeah, that's no specific. Ernie is 100%.
He's Puerto Rican. Ernie is obviously Puerto Rican.
Oh, yeah, Ernie. Ernie.
He's Puerto Rican. Okay, all right let's okay let's go that's ernie right that's yeah that's no specific ernie is 100 he's puerto rican ernie is obviously puerto oh yeah ernie ernie he's yeah okay all right oh is this the first uh which one's the muppet which one's the muppet her name is g young that that is not an asian muppet that's not on the show on the show.
But also that's not an Asian Muppet. He's not a little Michael.
He's Korean. She's Korean.
That girl looks Spanish. That looks like a Spanish Muppet.
Yeah, they didn't want to. You know what it is? You know, Jim Henson's factory or whatever? Yeah.
You know the eye drawer? You got to go back to the eye drawer. You know the drawer they use? There's our dog.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There we are.
Here we go.

This is the OG.

This is the OG crew.

Okay, so let's see.

First up is Bert.

What's Bert?

Bert.

Bert's gay.

Yeah, I know Bert's gay,

but he looks Eastern European.

Look at the eyebrows.

Slovakian.

Slovakian.

Yeah.

Yeah, I agree.

Just the eyebrows.

And then what about Cookie Monster?

Cookie Monster is Armenian.

He is. Is he not? Yeah, bro, bro, eat your cookies.
Yeah. Armenian for sure.
He drives a white Mercedes. Yeah, yeah.
What about Grover down in the left-hand corner? Let me think about Grover. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Autism. Yes, he's autistic.
Okay, autism. Right? But what's his nationality? What is, well, no, no.
What's his race? Race, I mean, yeah. What is Grover's race, we think? I would imagine...
Spanish. Fancy.
We're not your son, my sir. Exactly, dude.
Exactly. That's what they're like.
We're not your son, my sir. When they colonized, there was a million of those.
Yeah. We're gonna take your country.
Imagine on the beach. You know what I mean? We're gonna take your country.
Imagine on the beach.

We're going to take your country.

We're going to colonize your weapon.

Yeah.

Go back to the original picture.

Yeah.

This is the most interesting one that I want your advice on because I know you're intelligent

and the way that you operate is so astute.

You can always call it out.

I want to see the picture of the crew.

Okay.

Of all the crew, the original Muppet gang.

Okay. I got to tell you.
Okay, here we go. Who is? Well, he's not even in this.
I was going to say, Big Bird. What is Big Bird? Big Bird? What is Big Bird? Big Bird's a bird.
No, dude. Okay.
Race is Big Bird. I think he might be black.
Or is it a guy, Big Bird? Yeah, yeah. Who knows, right? They kind of keep it.
Okay. Oh, what about uh grover we did grover not grover what's the what's the brown guy uh the dog to the top left fuzzy fuzzy not not the right to the left oh oh uh the dog is uh what is his name dude yeah right there ralph ralph yeah ralph i mean we know what ralph is we don't even know what we don't even need to know what he go ahead man no you go ahead no you go ahead man i don't know i don't know i'm lost you said you know what it is i mean he looks um like an adopted black kid yeah by a white family yeah that white family look at the way he's doing his hair now he wants to fit into the family right so he got him it got straightened that's not fair yeah that's not you're right yeah go back look at him what about fozzy bear see fozzy plays jazz yeah fozzy's dope he's cool as shit he's black yeah and what's the woman uh what about miss piggy oh uh-oh i mean who is miss piggy what race would Miss Piggy be? I mean if you were to talk about anyone trans that's I think Miss Piggy Miss Piggy's trans it's gotta be trans you think so? yeah yeah and so Kermit yeah Kermit doesn't have he's like asexual I think he is yeah he's an incel honestly dude the mind of a man to come up with a world of Muppets I just can't believe here's another thing the mind of the people that how do you write a kid a song for Sesame Street you and I can do one right now no you can't yeah we can mathematics twice you're already on it that's a letter that's the number two press the record right yeah yeah mathematics three times right that's the number three okay how about this yeah you go ready yeah i i want i want it i'm i'm a producer yeah and you're a writer yeah listen dude we need to write a song.
Kids don't know about vegetables, dude. That's right.
That's right. That writer like being confused and kind of scared is funny.
That's right. And we need pronto, dude.
So all the vegetables, as many vegetables as you can and no fruits. Got it.
We need it in 20 20 days? Minutes You need it right now Really? And that little Asian writer that you have Bobby? Or Mr. Lila He's my assistant Maybe he can help Fine yeah I have to get him off He's at scent store right now working but okay yeah yeah what is it we have a line at that i know dude they can wait oh my god i got something way more important what is it we need to write a song about vegetables now you need to we need to you don't pay me you owe me john you never made me the scent oh that's right that's right all's right.
All right. So make it up.
Ready? What is it about? Salaries, asparagus, and spinach down your hatch. Broccoli.
Broccoli. Stop, stop, stop for a second.
Broccoli. Stop, stop.
Stop, stop. What? If we just do one vegetable per phrase.
Well, dude, I'm trying to spread it out. It'll be the longest song Potato Is it a fruit Or a vegetable Mushrooms Mushrooms What? We're two different kinds of artists dude Do you have the song? We're ready to go Yup Yeah, yeah We're ready Bye, lai, lai Okay, here we go, you ready, sir? We're gonna play it live on the show What? Yeah, yeah, yeah Great Yeah, and what Muppet are we gonna use for this? Please say Big Bird, please say Big Bird The new one Oh, the Puerto Rican one Yeah, the Puerto Rican one.
Yeah, the Puerto Rican one. Yeah.

Fuck.

The Filipino.

The Filipino.

Pongo.

Pongo.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hi, Pongo.

Do you have the song for me?

Pongo, do you know your vegetables?

Okay, I'll read the lyrics.

Mushrooms, mushrooms, mushrooms.

That's it?

Cut.

That's all you got? That's all we got, you gave me 20 minutes was that Elton John on it? yeah, everyone's been, we should have been on Sesame Street yeah, look at his little pervy how about this one? if you see a man in a van don't get in oh, right if you see a man in a van, don't get in. Oh, right, right, right.
If you see a man in a van, don't get in.

But if you do get in, know you're karate and taekwondo.

But you're little, so he's gonna get you Anyway Get the sprays ready And the whistle blow Try to escape if you can And. And when you escape the van you run.
And there's 12 of them chasing you. And they are brown.
But no race specifically. No specific race.
But they're brown and they have accents but nothing specific but they're not illegal no specific race they're not illegal no they're here totally legally. They're not asylums or refugees.
Call us Sesame Street. Call us.
I figured we could make a song for this, guys. I got to be honest with you, dude.
This new cologne that you got on is so good. It's driving me nuts.
Are you being real? I'm getting me horny. Are you being real? I'm horny from it.
Because I go to the scent room. Can I take it to the scent room? No, I keep it a secret from me.
I'm your little mistress. No, you got to come to the scent room.
I'll buy you a cologne. It's not about that.
Yeah, it is. What I like to do, my friend, is I take a friend, usually a woman.
Me? I'll dress up for you. And we go to the sunroom.
It's on Larchmont, right? And then they have clothes and perfumes that aren't widely available, okay? I'm going. I'm being real.
I'm going. I'm going to go.
And I give them a smell. I have this one, I forgot what it's called, but it smells like cow poo.
Oh, yes. No, no, be real.
Yo, moo poo. No, it's not called moo poo.
It's not moo poo? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it is moo poo.
Japanese scent moo poo. Yeah, it's Japanese but it's it smells like cow poo oh yes no no be real yo moopoo it's not moopoo japanese yeah but when you spread on your body it changes the chemistry of it right yeah it does you guys are laughing it does and you smell like sheep poop right yeah it smells like sheep poop after that no but um it does smell like a barn right so i so i'll go i'll go in there i'll go hey so today i'm feeling like um like okay think of nirvana whoa or the enlightenment both yeah both both nirvanas right right and they go what is it i go the band they go we don't know because they're younger.
Oh, they're kids. Right, right, right.
So then think Taylor Swift.

Same kind of band.

Same audience.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then think Nirvana, the Enlightenment, right?

Then also think about hiking.

Ooh.

And also think about, right, cockfights.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Not the penis.

No, no, no. I had to explain it to them.
Cockf it to him cockfights not penises fighting but the birds fighting right but also penis is fighting that too yeah you can even say that yeah and they go we'll be right back and they don't come back for hours you're just standing there in the store right right and they come out and they go maybe something else and i go i go no nirvana cockfights nirvana hiking cockfights right you know i mean the two cocks two cockfights two cockfights two different kinds of cockfights we'll be right back another hour passes right and they go here we this is it. No, this is not the one I'm wearing now.

That's not the cock fight?

No, no, no.

But that's what I'm saying.

You and I can go in there.

Like, what do you want to smell like?

Ooh, okay.

Hootie and the Blowfish.

Well, I'm the guy.

Yeah.

Welcome to the scent room.

Hi.

I'm Demitri.

Hi, Demitri.

Yeah.

And Lai Lai.

Demitri Lai Lai.

Yes.

Wonderful to meet you.

Call me Mr. Lai Lai.

Okay, Mr. Lai Lai.

Yeah.

Well, hi. Hi.
What you doing? I'm here Lai Lai. Okay, Mr.
Lai Lai. Yeah.
Well, hi.

Hi.

What you doing?

I'm here to buy a cent.

What were you thinking?

Ooh, I'm thinking like what my vibe is right now.

I think-

Well, not now.

Okay, went for another time?

In the future.

Let's say 10 years from now.

Got it.

Right?

Because I know what you're going to be doing 10 years from now.

You do? Oh, yeah. Really? You're you're gonna does it look a little bit like this no it doesn't no oh i'm in a tomb you're a tomb you're a mummy i'm a mummy yes mummy dog you don't know okay my buddy came here bobby lee do you know bobby lee oh it's best friend.
Yeah, the one that we, you mean the cow poop guy?

If you're going to try

and insult my friend

while he's not here,

I'm going to have to fight you.

Well, it was very hard

to fucking bottle the cow poop.

We had to drive all the way down.

Well, then why don't you

work somewhere else?

We did it.

I'm sorry, sir.

Yeah, he wanted what he wanted.

You got what he wanted.

Exactly.

So what would you like, sir?

Thank you.

Yeah.

He told me,

Bobby said it's a band,

an activity,

and an animal thing.

Exactly. That's right? Right.
So let me get my chart out get it out the first thing please the band band yes are you ready i have my pen and my paper sir go to sephora if this is the kind of energy i just came from there they sent me to you all right they ran out i'm gonna kick you i'm gonna kick you out to sephora the next time you give me a little fucking bite all right that what i don't like that i said all right i'm mr lili i know mr treat me with respect sir yeah what's my first name ticky ticky tempo no demetrii demetrii lili lili all right sir so here we go i got the chart out my pen Alright, and I'm ready And the band Quicksilver Quicksilver Quicksilver Okay Now, we have two Quicksilvers I just wanted to write We also have The Avenger Yeah Give me a little bit of both So is We also have the actual Mineralicksilver as well. I'll take a little bit of all.

Okay, so all three Quicksilvers.

Thank you.

That's all we got.

Okay, so, and then the second thing, please.

The activity.

Activity, please.

Space docking.

Space docking.

Now, we don't have space.

We have moon landing.

Now, what is that?

Oh.

Yeah.

I know.

He brought it back.

Mm-hmm.

Armstrong did.

God bless.

He brought it back from the moon in the 60s. If the moon landing was a sexual phrase, what is a moon landing? Excuse me? Well, you know what space docking is, right, sir? It's when one piece is uncircumcised and one's circumcised, and the uncircumcised sleeve covers up the circumcision.
Yeah, of course. That's docking.
Of course. What is a moon landing in sexual terms? Moon landing is when a woman or a man lays on his stomach, right? And you get baking powder.
Yeah. And you pour baking powder all over his back.
Oh. Then you got to get your moon shoes on.
Got it. You got to get the thick-ass moon shoes on.
The big boots. The big boots.
And I have one from actual NASA. You do? Yeah.
When I do my moon landings, I have one from NASA. I stole it.
You jacked it from NASA only have one boot okay they're heavy yeah I mean try to get that boot across that fence right is that a Trump thing exactly a border boot it's just a border boot ah yeah you don't know NASA's in Mexico one NASA's in Mexico I don't know if you know that so anyway so I put the one boot on right I put the baby powder and I do the moon walking on the back. And that's a moonwalk.
That's a moonwalk, yeah. I had this vision of, you've seen the rockets when they have to control land them? Yeah.
Of like someone with their legs above their head, butt in the air, and then a penis. Oh, you do that.
Wow. Yeah.
And you know, this is a cologne perfume store. Oh, my bad.
Can we move on, please? Sorry about that. Thank you.
I don't know what we're doing.

All right, so Quicksilver.

There's a line.

Quicksilver.

So, yeah.

So, we got the-

The Avenger, the band.

Would you like the moonwalking?

A hundred percent.

So, we put moonwalking, the smell.

Okay.

Hey, lie.

There's another guy named Lie.

You're Mr. Lie.

Lie.

And his name is Lie.

His first name's Lie?

His first name's Lie.

Can I be honest with you?

Yeah.

This sounds like a lie. It's not.
Ironically, his last And his name is Lye. His first name is Lye? His first name is Lye.
Can I be honest with you? Yeah. This sounds like a lie.

It's not.

Ironically, his last name is Dermatry.

Oh.

Oh.

It's reverse.

I get it.

So anyway, and that's the third thing, please.

Oh, I see.

Lye, get the baking powder ready.

Okay, so go ahead.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Imagine, does he know what you're talking about?

You just yelled, get the baking powder ready. Yeah, moon.
Oh, he knows that. That's signal for moon? Yeah, exactly.
Got it. So you have my band, my element, my avenger.
Quicksilver, all three. Get all three, lie.
And then we also have moonwalking, lie, listen. Okay.
And then the third thing, please. And the third thing is a what? It's an animal event? It's an animal event.
It can be a variety of things. Okay.
It could be a lion, the tiger. Falcor.
Excuse me? Falcor from NeverEnding Story. Falcor.
We don't have Falcor. I'm so sorry.
We have cherub. You like cherubs? You seriously don't have Falcor? We don't have Falcor.
No, he died in the movie. What? Yes.
It's a little known fact, but Falcor actually died. You know how Brandon Lee died? Yeah.
Bro? Yeah, the fake bullet. Right, right.
Falcor died. Do you remember? You know what I mean? Alec Baldwin event? Same thing.
Yeah. Unfortunately.
You know what I mean? It happened again. Yeah, a dummy gun.
And there's no guns in, which is crazy in NeverEnding Story there is no guns in the movie there should have been exactly but there was one that shot Falcor anyway he died and the lawsuit is still pending I'll take a cherub I gotta go okay well to get the cherub though because we have to actually go to Middle Earth. Honestly, can you hurry up? I don't believe it.
Sir. No, I'm serious.
You think there's cherubs here in L.A.? It's your store. I don't know what you have back there.
Perils Hilton had one years ago. Died.
Michael Jackson had one, right? But you know who ate it? His monkey. Bubbles? Bubbles ate the cherub.
Wow. Yes.
And that was a mess because that was my previous job. Okay.
Cleaning up? Massacres on Never Ending Ranch, whatever it's called. Never Ending Ranch.
Falkor flew to Never Ending Ranch. Yes.
That's how he died. Yeah, that's how he died.
You're gonna sleep over forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, would you like it? Yes.
Sit on our i'm on it i know i know i know you are but i don't think you're comfortable i'm very comfortable it's gonna take hours i'm here okay i'm gonna call my friend bobby in the meantime hold on a second okay yeah i'm sorry to get to also what's the price of this shit you'll see to. To get to Middle Earth, you're going to check this out.
Pegasus. Pegasus, yes.
Yes, you have to go to Middle Earth again. To get a cherub.
Fuck you. Whoa.
Whoa, Pegasus. You see, fuck.
Whoa. You shot.
You're the one that killed Falkor. I'm Alec Baldwin.
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What is that?

Is that a train?

It's a ship station.

Oh, it's a station.

Oh, ship station.

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Just let me see it. My hand to the devil.
God bless. Okay.
Who's Andy Richter? Are you serious? No, I'm going back to my old self. I'm going to the self that I was.
I know who Andy is. I love him.
From 30 minutes ago, and I'm going to change that. All right, I'm going to shift gears.
Wait a minute. Show up that.
Let me bring you the picture again. Yeah.
Oh, that's Andy Richter? That's not who I'm talking about. What are you thinking of? No, I'm just furtailing your joke.
So you bought a shirt there? No, I went down there to kill some time. I bought a shirt and I saw how much the neighborhood had changed.
It's so fun. It's a great.
Let's do a little game called Down Larchmont Lane. Down Larchmont Boulevard.
Boulevard. Okay.
So a lot of people listening from all over the world. Are you going to puke? I just had an Ozempic burp.
God, dude. I just had an Ozempic burp.
When I see it start. I know, you get scared.
I know. It gives me PTSD.
I know. I'm fine.
Okay. Okay.
So a lot of people from all over around the world. If you're in Los Angeles, there's a street called Larchmont.
And it's a great neighborhood. Can we say? Yeah, yeah.
It's very Midwestern, actually, in many ways. It feels like everywhere and nowhere at once.
Exactly. Yeah.
It can be anywhere. Yeah.
It's like Never Ending Ranch. Never Ending Ranch.
Yeah, yeah. So let's go down Larchmont Lane.
That's Eric Griffin's dream. All you can eat ranch dressing.
He does it with a straw, a bubble straw. Imagine Eric got kicked out of a buffet and they were like, he's like, it's all you can eat.
And they're like, no, not all you can eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right. You ate a chair.
Stop. All right.
So anyway. Larchmont Boulevard.
So let's go. Let's there you were there yesterday yeah so let's you want to grade our little stores down there let's do it alright so there's a Rite Aid what are we doing out of 10 yeah let's go 1 through 10 no 1 through 5 is easier 1 through 5 yeah there's a.
All right. It gets a four for supply because there's always something

in there, but it gets a two for the fentanyl front door.

Exactly. You have to like

duck and dodge. A couple of fentanyls.
Yes.

Very good. That should

be in there. Double rating.
Yeah. There's

a Salt and Straw. Salt and Straw, as I was

just about to say. You're about to say Salt and Straw? I'm going to hear your rating

for Salt and Straw. You know, I think it's hype.

I agree. Do you really?

Van Leeuwen is way better and so is uh i prefer basket robbins now you're wrong no i'm not now you're absolutely i'm not what happened to the good old rocky road baby it's not early as in cream baby it ain't the same first of all mcconnell's out of santa barbara phenomenal yeah and van lewin both better than salt and straw. Okay.
By a land, it's not even close. Also, don't put goat cheese in ice cream.
I don't want that. Yeah, and fennel.
I don't like that. Okay.
I might. All right.
What do you grade the salt and straw number wise? Out of five. Are we comparing that salt and straw with all the other salt and straws? In general, it's a broad spectrum.
I mean, it's like we can be. We're the best salt and straw in the business.
The one on Larchmont. But compared to other ice cream businesses, one through five, a three.
It's still good. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. Then next door to that is Aesop.
The, the, the... Oh, dude.
It's like lotions and... Dude, dude, dude.
Let me tell you about Aesop. Give it to me.
Five out of five. Really? Any Aesop.
All of them? Dude. Why do you like them so much? Because that's all I have in my house.
They do give free samples outside. No, I buy it.
You really? Yeah, yeah. I've never bought it once.
Body wash. I go inside, I get what I need, and I go home.
Aesop, keep doing it. I come with little fill-up things.
Yeah, yeah. Never paid for it.
God. How about the children's bookstore there? Five out of five.
Five out of five? Five out of five. When I drop out my nephew.
Your nephew? Yeah, he's 24. And then there's also a...
There's a pet store across the street. Tail Waggers.
Tail Waggers is right there. Yeah, yeah.
And I like Tail Waggers. It's fine.
They have my number in the thing. Me too, unfortunately.
Why? Because when we used to have the dog over, we used to have dogs at sit the dog Where do you go now for your dog stuff I call my cousin Oh And I say come to the house and watch the dog Because last time we put her in one of those places Like healthy spot Yeah She bit three dogs Oh She did She bit their face I was asking like where do you buy your supplies But you're saying grooming now No no I thought you meant I was saying daycare Like to sit the dog if we're going if we also they used to go to take tail waggers for get daycare long time ago oh wow she didn't bite any other dogs i have my vietnamese friend do it and he salivates yeah just sits there and drools mouth gets so watery it's like it's a discipline for him but anyway no we had to switch no she didn't bite any other dogs i was kidding she uh hated it my dog fucking hated it they'd be like oh cubs just goes in the corner and sits by yourself. Oh, don had to switch.
No, she didn't bite any other dogs. I was kidding.
She hated it. My dog fucking hated it.

They'd be like,

oh, Cubs just goes in the corner

and sits by herself.

Oh, don't you hate when that happens?

I think she gets intimidated

by other stranger dogs

and so she was like,

fuck this, I'm just gonna,

and she just goes sits by herself.

What are you gonna do when he dies?

She dies.

Oh.

Brutal, brutal, brutal.

Tears of sadness for sure. Long cries, long cries, long cries Anyway, let's move on I'm gonna have her cloned I've looked into the cloning I'm gonna do it Because you know what? Let me tell you something Let's do it I wanna clone it Yeah, yeah I wanna clone it Because you can't Yeah, go ahead? Never mind.
We'll get a new dog. Also, also.
But you get your dog back? It's not your dog. It is your dog.
It's not the same. When you clone.
Yes, it is. It's your dog.
From toe to top. No, but the soul is there.
From nose and toe. I don't know.
Whatever. But the soul is not the same.
It's not going to have the same personality. It's not going to have the same.
It's going to be so similar, though. It's not going to know my songs.
It's not gonna have the same. It's gonna be so similar though.
It's not gonna know my songs. It's not gonna have all my songs.
Or I'm your dog. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, sing me song.
The first song I sing when I get in the house, I go, sweetie, sweetie, who's my little sweetie? Oh, that's, yeah. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
And then I pick her up and then she goes. Oh, yeah.
Who's my give me your song i don't i just do talk you just full talk maybe what do you do you do you do oh right and they go because i'm holding it maybe too tight yeah too tight yeah yeah but no i love my It'd be funny to talk to your dogs just like a human. Like you walk in, you're like, what's going on, man? How have you been? Right.
But not giving it any of like the inflection of like, you're the animal. Imagine if you can give them some intelligence.
Your dog's smart. No, but like to the speaking so they can speak.
Oh, like what could they understand? Like you give them, you know,

an eight-year-old's intelligence.

A little bit more.

A 15-year-old's.

14, 15's pretty good.

No, he's going to be,

fuck off, dad!

That's why it's fun.

Yeah, I don't want that.

No, I want that.

All right.

My dog's pretty smart, dude.

She made a...

Just smoking in the room.

Yeah, yeah, no.

Okay, go back to Larchmont.

Go to Larchmont.

So I'm not done. There's, here's another thing they have a pokey place and can i tell you about pokey not into it i'm out dude what okay why why are you on a pokey i'll tell you why i'm on a pokey okay two reasons yeah one fast food sushi has never been my i like it i like sushi that they i'm at the sushi joint he cuts the fish i eat it i don't want it's been cut five hours ago in the morning sits in the cooler then it gets slopped in a bowl with sriracha mayo not a fan i'm not a fan of that as well my i just want fresh i want fresh cut shit dude yeah dude yeah yeah that's why i've never done like sushi in one of those like rotary, what's it called? Time out.
But in Japan, those are fucking awesome because they do cut it fresh and they put it on there and it can only go around so many times. Yeah, but in North Hollywood, it's on there for three days.
Three days. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. The salmon's green.
I don't like it. You're like, dude, in Northridge, it'll rotate for a month.
For a month. And they'll take it.
Exactly. So anyway, so I don't, I as well don't like it.
Poke out. Poke out for me.
I hate going to Hawaii too because like Kalilah and everyone's always like. They love poke.
Let's go to the poke. I go, no thanks.
I'm not going to no fucking poke, man. Just go to a sushi joint.
I'm going to go to my omakasa sushi joint. Where he slices it right in front of my fucking eyes.
Anyway, let's there's a donut place called holy grill donut yeah have you had it i have now this is where i regress because you baskin robbins the ice cream thing whether or not you were joking i think shitty donuts are better than fancy donuts this whole new fancy donut thing can fuck off man we are in a trouble right now my give me dunkin donuts over fancy donuts all fucking day dude you have no idea dunkin donuts munchkins the little munchkins the donut holes no dude that's how you fuck dude that's so gross no yeah no it is how i fuck yeah yeah um dude fancy donut fucks off it sucks holy grail does this it's good no you've never had it i have because if you had you ridiculous things wouldn't come out of your fucking mouth like that it's too much it's what voodoo donuts does too it's like we put all the bullshit on no no not voodoo i didn't say voodoo dude it's the same holy is is is duncan warm let's get to the fuck no it's not it's never warm yes it is no it's not yes it is yeah i go to dunk all the time i'm a dunk dog dude okay anyway bring up holy grail picture of their fucking website they look this whole fancy donut thing for like eight bucks a donut that ain't it my guy that ain't it okay let's go to look at the donut i'll give you one better than them by the way you know who you know who tops Who? The one. You don't even know the name.
That's how sad it is. No, I do.
I do. I do.
I do. Is Fonuts.
I'll take a Fonut over these. Oh, you like Fonuts.
Okay. Now let's zoom into what they have here.
That one says cancer? No, it's not. So you get cancer when you eat it? Yeah, only colon.
Oh, that's easy. Only colon.
That's very, very literal. You would from this stuff.
Yeah. Oh, Chaga Ch look at virgo come on guy black sabbath imagine how mad ozzy would be if you saw that donut my band is not as shitty donuts yeah anyway uh let's move on from it no no let's keep going give me the go to their website give me the price of these fucking bullshit donuts they're also small yeah they're i love them give me the prices what does this cost to get it they're probably not going to show you what are you shaking your head for you never had one before four duck four bucks a donut what it's too much shit on it too much shit california for a donut four dollars a donut that's good brother if i go to fucking donut girl the lady by my it's cheap that's why it's 65 cents for a donut it's cheap cheap ingredients what do you think they're using good shit from hawaii the fuck they are yeah dude roots and stuff look up for hawaii look up holy grail donuts controversy just type that in why just look it up there is no oh the main controversy surrounding holy grail donuts is that some customers claim the taste and quality of the tarot-based ones, are significantly better when purchased directly in Hawaii compared to locations here in the mainland.
They're using bullshit here. Not shipping the good shit here.
Dude, it's like saying this, guys. They're not shipping the good shit here, pal.
It's like this gold is better in Hawaii than it's tarot, dude. Is gold better in Hawaii? It is.
It is. Proving my point.
You're right. It is.
Here's the deal. Okay.
There's only certain supply chains that can get it right all over the globe. McDonald's, it's a home run.
It's a home run. Places like this, they're just, they don't have the infrastructure.
Also, you're really pissing me off. Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.
What about Krispy Kreme? What's your opinion on Krispy Kreme? Better than, better than Holy Grail?? No, better than Duncan. Dunk? Yes.
Okay, good. But let me tell you something about...
Now we're on Earth. But let me tell you something about Krispy Kreme.
Now we're on planet Earth. Let me tell you about Krispy Kreme.
The only donut you can have there is the original glaze. And that's what I was talking about.
Yeah, but they do other shit. But Duncan does other shit and Krispy Kreme can't do that.
Yeah. Because the chocolate glazed ones krispy kreme kick fucking rocks the chocolate glaze at dunkin donuts okay we should do this okay and i already know okay we should do have a donut taste but i already know right that it's there's such a difference between a good donut and garbage donut he's gonna pick the garbage one every time that's To defend his own point of view, right? So we can't even have that contest because this piece of shit, right, it needs to win rather than accept that he's wrong.
Sounds familiar, doesn't it? No, yeah, because... I'm doing my Bobby Lee today and I'm on it.
I'm playing Bobby Lee today. Wow, dude, you want to go blows or what? Yeah, blow, blow, blow, go, blow.
No. Let's go down.
Can we go down Larchmont Lane or no?

Let's go, dude.

Let's continue back on Larchmont Lane.

Make us a shirt that says bad friends on Larchmont Lane.

Okay.

Now, there's a couple of, so there's the scent room next to Holy Grail, but there's another

one that's a cologne.

It's a chain.

I forgot what it was called.

Oh, it's La Labo is there, right?

Not La Labo.

It's another one like that.

Diptyque.

Yeah.

What's your opinion of Diptyque? Love the candles. diptyque candle made here in the states i like the diptyque uh candles i like them they're good i don't i don't it's you know they're 80 bucks a candle a girl there ghosted me i'm out really yeah call them right now i'm gonna call them no no no i'm gonna call them yeah yeah give me the diptyque on Larchmont I'm gonna call her right now No she doesn't work there anymore

What's her name

We'll blank it out

Yeah

That was your date spot

A candle shop

No

Bro

She works there

You fucking

How does she ghost you

If she works there

Don't do it

I was kidding

I'm lying

So am I

Don't call

It's a bit

But don't call them

Why

Because

I'm not gonna say your name or anything

Okay you really

Jesus fucking Christ

It's going to be But don't call them. Why? Because.
I'm not going to say your name or anything. Okay, you really? Jesus fucking Christ.
Can I just do a bit? Okay. I'm calling them.
But don't say my name. What was your first name? Lai Lai? What was your first name? Mr.
Lai Lai. Dimitri I.
Hi, I just want to give you just a little something I want to say

is my good friend Dimitri Laila

was seeing someone that was

working at your store

or starting a date

and she ghosted him and I just

was calling to try to repair the relationship.

Does

he still work there?

Sorry.

Yes. No, she has not worked here for over a year.
Well, I can tell you something. She kind of did a number on a buddy of mine and I'm just, I don't know what kind of person she was personally, but I just wanted to tell her myself, give her my two cents how we do it, where I'm from.
That's not, that's not nice and that's not okay and I'm glad that she's not there anymore I'll tell you I would hope and pray she got fired I am sorry to hear that I have no opinion of her I joined around the time she left great great well have a wonderful wonderful day you as well bye bye handled your business dude why'd you get so nervous and I hate prank phone call it a prank it's not a prank there was a girl there he had no opinion of her he said here's my thing I don't like prank calls either I'm not being mean to him I'm being mean about a character of a person that doesn't exist I'm not pranking him I'm just telling him my tale and my tale is something else and by the way if you're gonna prank call at home call somewhere but make up a story that does it's not mean or rude to them i'm just giving him a piece of my little fantasy life do you know what i mean yeah yeah just talk to him um okay go down larchmont avenue now so no so we went to diptyque okay and then sent a room there Room. There's a card store.
There's like a paper source or something like that. Yeah, which we like.
Yeah, it's fine. We could just bring up the Google Maps.
That new bakery is pretty good. Oh, no.
Levine. Yeah, Levine.
Best baker in town. Very good.
I had that the other day with the Asians. With the Chinese? No, with me, Andrea Jin, and Gene.
Yeah, we went to... that bakery is the best they have the best cookies in town we love andrea jen she's the best okay zoom into there and here's my biggest beef about this whole thing okay so at the very end of the block there go down south you're there right there at that last intersection what street is that first first first ave first street and here's my biggest beef about this whole thing okay so at the very end of the block there go down south you're there right there at that last intersection what street is that first first first ave first street so right so there's a chase bank on the corner right now there's a buck mason right there you see it says buck mason clothing store yeah that used to be larchmont village um larchmont bakery or whatever larchmont uh cafe the larchmont cafe it was one of the best coffee and breakfast joints.
And do you know why they closed down? I've never even heard of it. It was incredible.
Really? So good. It's an Echo Park now.
They moved, I know. But do you know why? Why? They got kicked off the street.
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One of my favorite places to get a cup of coffee.

They brewed it there.

They had the fucking coffee vat things there with the beans.

My God.

With the beans. They're that big?

They're this big.

I had no idea they were that big.

Show him with the bean machine.

Oh my God.

Show him a bean machine.

I always thought they were this big.

That's what I call my wife's vagina, the bean machine.

Yeah.

Show him the bean machine.

Coffee bean roasting machine. There it is.
Coffee bean roasting machine. Roasting machine.
There it is. That's not it.
It's the big vat with the beans. There it is.
Oh, my God. Tell me that's not as big as the arms.
It was so big, dude. Look at this.
Look at that stuff. Yeah.
And that's what makes the beans nice to make me poop. Yeah.
By the way, I've realized after like 41 years on this planet, I don't think I've pooped without coffee in 20 some odd years. No.
I don't think so. Wow.
If I don't have coffee, I'm not pooping. Yeah, me too, I think.
I have to have... I need coffee so bad.

Like, I feel... I'm serious.

If I'm on the road

and I need to grab a cup of coffee,

it'll be like 2 or 3 p.m.

and I'm like,

I haven't pooped.

Yeah, quick trivia.

Go.

What's older,

the Eiffel Tower

or Nintendo?

Oddly enough, Nintendo.

Yes.

Yeah.

How'd you know?

Because...

Did you know that?

Yeah, Nintendo was starting when Jack the Ripper was still operating dude that kid at school dude dude you know that kid so you know that kid in school annoying the most annoying kid in school yeah yeah yeah well know? Did you know this? Yeah. When Jack the Ripper was still operating.
You mean murdering? Yeah. Operating is the weirdest word for a murderer.
Working, I don't know what to say. Working? Working, no.
He's not getting paid. That's why I said operating.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Killing people.
Wow. So, yes.
Give me more trivia. That's the only one I know.
Well, get another one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That is... It's an interesting thing.
Have you been to the Eiffel Tower? I have. And? Rank it out of five.
Out of all the towers I've been to? Yeah. Two.
Right behind the twin? Yeah. Yeah.
No, honestly, rank it out of five. Two for real.
Out of-

Oh, no, it's probably five.

The one in Vegas is better.

I agree.

Yeah, yeah.

The one in Vegas is better.

I went to Eiffel Tower, so let down.

And then when you go down Larchmont a little further, I get a little lost here.

I die down.

The pizza joint's fine.

Yeah, yeah.

Mulberries.

You know, Mulberries.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then-

Oh, there's a creation juicery and all that stuff.

Yeah, all that stuff.

Does that say Jerry Seinfeld?

He's just on Larchmont?

Yeah, he's-

What am I doing on Larchmont?

There's a Pete's Coffee.

Yeah.

She said, go get him.

Oh, go get him, Tiger, too.

There's about nine coffee shops.

It's a good place, if you're in LA, to go shopping-

Take a walk.

And take a walk.

It's a really nice place.

Parking's a bitch.

What?

Parking.

Parking the neighborhood. Oh, that's what you do? Yeah.
Oh's what you do yeah okay yeah fuck dude trying to wait for those spots yeah but there's also you know here's the thing about the signs i never know what the signs are i don't read them you just park wherever i just park and if i get a ticket i get a ticket by the way it's it's not failed me for 20 years in la so you'll park in a residential thing where it says you need a tag i'll figure it it out. I almost always get away with it.
Now, where I don't get away with it is meters. Meters are insane.
They got like a gun out waiting for you like yeah, you got two minutes left. You got two minutes.
But in the neighborhood, those guys got a circle so big and look at every tag. He can get away with it.
Yeah, I got towed in West Hollywood ones when I was at a lady's house. But you slept over.
Yes. Overnight's different than during the day.
Oh, so I got that too wrong. Nighttime.
You cannot nighttime. No, no.
Like nighttime. No.
Why? Why not? No, no. That's when they're really, that's when they're, that's when they have time to get people, but they actually tow you a hundred percent.
Wow. Cause they make so much fucking money.
How your car out eight hundred dollars something yeah hundreds of dollars it's so stupid it's so makes makes me so mad it's it's it's it's unjust it's unfair yeah that's why i want to do uh um put the uh you know now they sell you can lock your wheels so they can't tow it have you seen this then they have to get a flatbed in there no yeah get one of those some guy in new york put a video up about him like lock there was things you can put around your wheels so you so they can't tow you wow but they flatbed you then they can they can get you i just created an invention just when you just said that here's my invention yeah like a bike lock right like like a bike lock right on your top, through your wheels? Not through the wheels even. Like, you know the piping below? Oh boy.
What? I'm going to find out how little you know about cars. There's no piping below? There is, but what piping are you speaking about? The exhaust piping? What is that? There we go.
What is that going to do? You put a lock on it. On the exhaust? That's not going to help you.
So when I go underneath a car, I've never been underneath one. There we go.
Zoom in. Yeah.
Look at all that stuff. Look at all the chaos down there, my friend.
Can I zoom in a little further, my friend? Further, please? There's got to be a place underneath that car where you can stick a lock. But what are you locking up? Your car to the street.
He just puts a master lock, click? Like a gym locker? Right. You click, right? Lock, click, right? And then they have to have the combo to unlock it.
Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm in.
I'm on. Oh, they have one of those things? Mm-hmm.
Oh, I see. They just clip it.
They clip it. Well, they just clip bikes then.
They do all the time. they just clip bikes then they do all the time my bike got stolen the first like three bikes I had here got stolen so there's no lock that's unclippable in human history let's invent that an unclippable lock I almost called you yesterday because I was walking Our favorite.
I was. Yeah.
And I was talking on the phone to a friend about the David Lynch documentary that they reposted to HBO. No limo.
It's old. Right? Yeah.
But I rewatched it because I'd watched it when it came out. Yeah.
Dude. Genius.
He said something in there. Made you cry.
It just made me feel like what we talk about. Right? With the show that we're to me baby give it to me he said i realized at some point that life was about making art drinking coffee smoking cigarettes and sometimes a woman gets in there and i was like that's dude that's all his life was make art smoke cigarettes drink coffee that's my life sometimes get a girl in there.
Yeah, yeah. But what he's saying to you is, listen to the order.
Make art first. Coffee and cigarettes, debatable.
I don't think you should smoke cigarettes anymore. And sometimes a girl gets in there.
But when you put the girl in front of the art. Is this directed toward me? No, this is universal.
This is David Lynch. What is, this is David Lynch.
Yeah. What he's saying is when you put girl in front of art and girl represents not just woman, it represents noise, earth, life noise.
Yeah. In front of art, art bad, art go, art bad, art wrong.
But if it goes art, cigarettes and coffee. Yeah.
And then girl, life, art art good yeah i'm that's exactly what he's saying and he said it so profoundly you're like is it on hbo it is right isn't hbo i think it was hbo they reposted it but so david lynch um do you like his movies what do you mean i love his movies what i don't like is people exactly do you know what i'm trying to say yeah do you i don't think so no yeah i think they don't understand i think some people like david lynch because of the abstract nature of film and then some people like david lynch because they really believe that um everything was deliberate I don't get that second part I think some people like David Lynch because they really believe that everything was deliberate. I don't get that second part.
I think some people really like it because not all those films were fucking perfect. Quite flawed, if I'm being honest.
A lot of them are quite flawed. Super subversive and beautiful.
But I think some people like him because they like that it's weird. And some people like it because it's a lot of artistic choice.

It's very deliberate is what I mean.

I'm going to tell you why I like it.

I'll give you an example of what I'm trying to say.

Go ahead.

Tell me.

The example I'm trying to say is I think some people like Tarantino because a lot of his movies, for lack of a better explanation, involve violence and very hot, heavy, fast

throbbing film.

It's a lot, right?

Which is why when someone talks about Once Upon a Time, they're like,

I didn't like it till the end. Till there was

a lot of violence. Do you know what I mean?

And then other people really like it because

the way he tells stories is extremely

specific. I love that movie.

But it's specific. That's my point.

Some people like Lynch because they understand

he's trying to tell this really beautiful, intricate story

sometimes within itself

I love that movie. I love that movie.
But it's story specific. That's my point.
It's like some people like Lynch because they understand he's trying to tell this really beautiful intricate story sometimes within itself. Some people like it because they're like it's fucking Lynch is out there man.
It's just fucking. It's like they're they're just fascinated with the idea that it's so unique.
If you watch a movie like Erasure Head right? This is the first time and it used to scare me as a kid when I used to watch this movie. Well, it's a scary movie.
Yeah. I get scared now.
But there's these gaps between people's conversations. Yeah.
And within those gaps, you hear like some electronical equipment or a buzzing or whatever. And it's so awkward.
And it's also so otherworldly almost. But there is a fear in there.
You hear the feedback of the stillness. How are you? And then you hear...
And then there's literally a minute will go by. Pretty good.
You know what I mean? It's just this weird way of... And I thought...
As a kid, I was like, i've never seen a movie like this before you know paste like this yeah when you watch the lynch movie like lost highway even i don't i don't understand do you know what that movie's about i have no idea yeah but you're still watching it because it's just like every scene they're just something that's completely different and you can't you can there's no way you can go like you said sometimes you watch a movie go i know where this is going there's no way to do that with a lynch movie yeah this isn't like a his his stuff isn't he never worked with kevin hart we we yeah so funny well i'm just yeah yeah yeah exactly what i mean it's like the rock and kevin hart and david lynch's oh my god it's just david lynch's lack of commercialism is yeah was was very on purpose you know what i'm saying some people were like he's like i got it i like like were you well were you are you a were you are you a twin peaks fan yeah yeah yeah so that's a big point of contention a lot of people weren't i see and a lot of people who were hardcore lynch people that i know didn't like it and vice versa i know people who were like didn't really love david lynch i fucking love twin peaks so do you know jack um the guy that played erasure head we could find what was last name um jack um the actor mihoff no the guy with the hair burn nance jack so jack nance right was in erasure head but he did he was in twin peaks he's been in a lot of lynch movies right do you know how he died fuck can i guess yeah yeah was it autoerotic no it's sadder than that Sadder than autoerotic He died Oh Oh O'Reilly He died I don't give it to me Piranhas He was seeing a porn star he was shooting a movie and he was shooting a movie where like the like it was like um out in the mountains so you know he couldn't get really good um cell service cell service it was a phone service okay there was a storm or something and his girlfriend was gonna kill him kill herself right and then the phone cut off and by the time he you know what I mean found she killed himself his girlfriend right and then he gave it comes back to LA and he's at a hot dog store somewhere in North Hollywood somewhere and some gang members beat him to death with a pipe what did they have to do about the girlfriend killing herself I don't know I just yeah it was a fun little extra you know what I They beat him to death. But there was a documentary called You Don't Know Jack and David Lynch directed it, I think.
And it's about his life. It's so sad.
Dude, just go to Jack Nance's death. Yeah, or whatever.
I might have fucked it up, but... On...
Nance launched with friends Leo, Bull Galarney, and Catherine Case. He had a visible crescent-shaped bruise under his eye.
And when asked about it, heed him a story about a brawl outside of Winchell's Donuts. Love Winchell's Donuts.
Oh, it's a donut place. Now that's a good donut place.
Story that morning, he went home complaining of a headache. Nance developed a subdural hematoma resulting in his death the following morning.
They found his body in the bathroom floor of his apartment in South Pasadena, California, later that day. An autopsy revealed that his blood alcohol content was 0.24 at the time of his death that's probably did it yeah but initially ruled as resulting from blunt force trauma so right he had a subdermal it wasn't a hot dog place it was a donut place and then is there any way you can look up his because check it out it wasn't a hot dog place a donut place and he drank himself to death yeah i mean 0.24 is fucking insane.
But this is a guy that was... That's insane.

Not in anything but Lynch movies.

He relied on Lynch, right?

And then when he put him on Twin Peaks,

it's like saved him for money and stuff like that.

Because he was a series regular on Twin Peaks.

Wow.

But he never really made it.

0.24?

Do you realize that's...

Isn't that 2% of your blood, correct?

What's the most you've had in your body, I think?

I don't think I've ever seen you super drunk.

Have you guys?

You're always cool.

Like, you're still very cool.

I'm not, well, but I've drank more than I should, but I'm never like Dr. Jekyll, Mr.

I've never seen you drunk.

You've never seen you?

No, I don't.

What?

I was, I showered in the room and I got out and you were in there After Dollywood Oh yeah That day I was drunk I was pretty drunk Oh yeah that day I mean do you think about Like right now Do you ever think about drinking? Like just on a regular day Am I thinking about it right now? Yeah No Like are you planning On when you're gonna drink next? No Wow No Incredible No That's the difference Between you and I Yeah Yeah I think right i think you do that right carlos think about it every morning yeah yeah drinking literally you think about it drugs anything that's what the sick that's what sucks out about having alcoholism is it i don't have it now because it's been lifted from me but it's like i just remember back in the day that you're like you're planning it like at nine i'm gonna do it it. You know what I mean? And you don't do that.
I don't, I don't, I mean, I do look forward to it when I am going to do it. Yeah.
Because I love drinking. Yeah, yeah.
Like I know, but I also met an age now when I know not, like look, I'm traveling tomorrow. I'm not, I don't want to have a drink tonight.
I don't want to get on a fucking plane hungover and tired and blah, blah so like my drinking is very planned now just because of my age when I was young when I was fucking McCone's age it didn't even matter I could get drunk till 3 in the morning get on a 7am flight and not even think about it he can do that well he's 25 years old but like now is it my age it just sucks like it's beginning to happen my body body falling apart. My hands.
What's wrong with your hands? Why are you laughing? You look skinny from this angle. Thank you.
My hands hurt so bad. Just hurt? Yeah.
I have arthritis. This hurts.
Really? Yeah. From video games? I don't know what it is.
Well, video games, right? So I bought one of those hand things, the little muscle, you know, the-

Stress balls?

No, it's not stress balls.

It's like one of those-

No, he's talking about like a fucking, yeah.

Like a grip thing.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Grip thing.

I call it a grip thing, yeah.

And I've been doing that when I'm watching stuff.

Yeah.

Right?

But it's like, it hurts so bad when I like just, not hurt, you just feel the cracking

and the, yeah, and there's like, there's a little bit of push and pull. What do you think that could be from? Because you're not like a laborer.
You don't use your hands. I don't know.
I think I'm just getting to the point where I have now arthritis. But it has to be caused from something usually.
Sometimes you just get old and get out. My grandma has that.
Your grandma's your grandma, you fuckhead. He's 50 years old.
He's not your grandma's age. No, but I talk to other comics and they go, I have that too.

Which ones?

Like if I talk to older people like Spade goes to my shoulder.

Spade's 100 years old.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

He died twice.

Yeah, yeah.

It's unbelievable.

No, but let me say this.

Have you thought about taking peptides or testosterone or any of that stuff?

Hmm?

Have you thought about taking testosterone or peptides? I want to see it. There's a couple of things I want to see a doctor about.
So I think that's one of them. Yeah, about this arthritic condition? Yeah, getting like injections or something.
Dude, do it. I get them in my hip, you know? Really? Yeah.
Yeah. Because I have an impingement on my hip and it makes me feel so much.
Well, that doesn't help. Yeah, so are you not allowed to crack them? It just sounds like bubble wrap.
I know, that's saying it hurts so bad no no i looked it up one time cracking your knuckles does not cause any that's an old wives tale so it doesn't cause anything it doesn't it's just air between your knuckles but but they made you feel when you were a kid it was like oh you do that too much you're gonna blah blah you know whatever the fuck yeah you do that too much you might end up gay you know and i was like try me dad yeah or they say that it's going to they say that masturbate is going to give you hair on your palms I shave every morning what was that? you're going to get hair on your palms if you jerk off? so weird and you're going to go blind if you jerk off too much? wasn't that one of them? oh no it was standing in front of the TV too close? well, too close. Well, if you're jerking off with the TV too close, you go blind and you get hairy hands.
My dad would make up wise tales. If you watch TV too close, grandma gonna die.
And I was like, she died already. You did.
Moodle. You enjoy Nick at night? Yeah.
Grandma gonna die. Can I tell you that one story? Because of T TGIF So one night I used to stay up late to watch If I knew there was a stand up on a tonight show So as a kid I would sneak up So we had this one room Where the gigantic TV was And then my parents, I could hear them come in So I hopped behind the fucking couch and they put in a VCR of a Korean...
Porn? Porn. No way.
I swear to God. You watch your parents fuck? No, no, no.
I had to go, hi. Because I got to, they were kissing and stuff, like on the cheeks.
And they were like cozying up. Whoa.
Right? And I went, hi. I got in so much trouble.

Yeah.

I would have beat the shit out of you too.

Yeah.

Now all this golf club thing makes sense.

Yeah.

But what do you mean?

What do you get out of here?

I beat you too.

Me and your mom are trying to hook up.

Yeah, but what would have happened if I saw them hook up?

That'd be way more scarring.

Maybe.

Oh, you like, you like.

You know what I mean?

Take it, that dick.

You know what I mean?

That would have been so bad.

Take it, that dick. Have you ever seen your parents?? No Would that scar you? They've never had sex Yes, they have No, I would Would that scar you? Oh my God, yeah I've never heard I've never heard I've never seen it I heard what I thought was it Oh my God, no But I don't know What'd you hear? Well, I was so young.
Right. I heard...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But I was such a young kid.

But other than that, no, I've never had a...

I mean, my mom walked in on me.

My mom walked in on me in high school getting a blowjob.

By who?

This guy from school.

Yeah.

Marcos.

Marcos.

No, my high school girlfriend was giving me head. Wow.
And literally my mom walked in didn't know what i've said this before on a show yeah i couldn't say anything so all that came out was close the fucking door you said fucking yeah yeah and she was fuck she was like oh my god oh andro and then fucking shut the door and did she yell at you for swearing not in the moment okay but then i said my did you ever use that kind of language that my girlfriend was so embarrassed she was like what the fuck dude what the fuck you didn't lock the door and i was like i thought i locked the door and she was like fuck dude i have to walk out of your house now oh my god that's embarrassing and so then i then we sat there for a second and i was still hard and i was like you think no think? No, really. Do you think you could finish?

See, that's the kind of stuff.

I might as well come.

I didn't.

We're already busted, dude.

I didn't get that shit in high school.

What?

Head?

No, I never hooked up with anybody.

You never got head in high school?

Nope.

Never once?

23 is when I got laid.

What about that guy you blew in high school?

Okay, well, I mean, that's not the same thing.

Wait, that's the same thing? Thank you for being a bad friend.

I mean... Yeah.
Woo.