One Good Korean

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. It's a new year, by the way.
It is a new year. It's a new year.
Any resolutions that you got coming up? Oh my God, you have no idea what you're saying right now, dude. You have no idea.
How resolution? Can we say resolution city you're in resolution city

yeah that's where i'm in resolution city right now let's break it down so um i'm gonna work on some other addictions what are they you know are you my therapist or a cop both okay so officer um I have, I do some strange things that, this is not funny. It's just real.
No, real is good. So, there's this Netflix, you know how sometimes you go to Netflix and there's mobile games you can download? Oh, yeah.
Okay. You're thinking, who's this for? Me.
You know what I mean? I download all of them, right? but there's this one game that i play and um there's like 10 000 levels but i only play one level a thousand times what eight hours at a time just sitting there on my kitchen counter and the level's like two minutes and it's the same basic level it's like a it feels like a candy candy crush it's one of those like puzzly games where you know i mean you line things up wait i saw you play this yeah it's i only play one level and i was telling my therapist the other day and she goes stop why because it's um i'm running away i'm not you know i mean i'm being obsessive about something and i do it because i don't want to feel you know i mean it's like there's like, I do a lot of things where it's like, I don't want to feel. So I just, I'll watch the same YouTube video over and over again and it becomes, it's not healthy.
I'll tell you, I got a good feel. I got a good cry this morning, big time.
Whenever I want a real good cry. What do you see? I watched that Ian Wright video with- With the teacher.
With Mr. Pigden.
Yeah. I thought you was dead.
Yeah, yeah. What a great video.
I'm very much alive, Ian. Yeah.
And he goes, someone told me you was dead. Yeah, that's a great fucking- I cry every time.
Yeah. I watch, if I need a good cry, watch Ian Wright reunited with- Teacher.
His primary school teacher, Mr. Pigden.

And why do I love that you love that?

Well, he's the most prolific goal scorer in Arsenal's history.

Thank you.

And he said, you know what he said in it that was so powerful?

That really moved me in a way. Two things.

He goes, he was crying and Ian said, Mr. Pigden said, it meant more to him that Ian Wright played for the country of England than when he flew over Buckingham Palace.
That was more important to him, that someone he coached played for England. Wow.
And then he said he turned to hug him and he was like two steps down. They were in the stadium, they were up on the stairs.
And when he hugged him, he was below Mr. Pigden.
You know, like he was hugging his waist almost. I saw that.
I saw, yeah. And he goes, and I felt like I was seven years old again.
I was a young child being embraced by someone, a father figure. Dude, I was, it gets me every time.
Wow. Every time.
But when whites. Oh, what about the whites? What about the whites? What about the whites? There's so many good things to say about the whites.
Not lately, dude. I know.
Lately as of not, no. You know what I mean? But, you know, what I'm saying is over the history, you guys get a bad rap.
We do get a bad rap. Yeah, yeah.
And what I want to say is, you know what I mean? You guys have done extraordinary humanitarian, you know what I mean, deeds. Some of us.
Some of you.

Schindler.

We've talked about that before.

What a list.

That's it.

Schindler and Ian Wright's coach.

Mr. Pigment.

Yeah, yeah, Mr. Pigment.

That's it.

Yeah, yeah, no.

What I'm saying is when it's human, all humans have someone.

I'm sure there's a Korean out there like that.

You gotta be somewhere.

What do you think? I don't know where they are. Like a one korean that like helped uh that's a great movie one good korean yeah yeah that's it yeah yeah did you see the guy that snuck into north korea took video of the traffic cop with his phone did you see this no they're gonna get this guy yeah yeah this is what i think about these guys you're off your head they're gonna get you dude they're gonna come find you and kill you did he go back to south korea then they can't find him no no he left north korea and went somewhere else look at i don't know where it is it was on tiktok how do we take him out how do we take him out kim jong-il do you want to take him out i do see here's my thing because that whole there's millions of people that live there and they're in poverty and it's like they still believe that we're getting ready for the war with the US.
We don't think about you. Ever.
You say that until they start some shit. What if they start some shit? They can't.
How? Says who? But with like Russia they could in China but them alone they're like. What did you just say? With Russia they could.
Oh, yeah, but I thought- So what are you talking about? Of course they can. I thought you meant just them.
It'd be like- Yeah, but Russia and China give them- No one acts alone other than Germany. And look how that turned out.
So now the axis of evil could reunite and start another war. And why wouldn't they? Honestly, why wouldn't they? The time is now.
It'd be awesome. They're ready.
I'm ready to go, dude's go blow this whole thing up let me ask you something i want post-apocalyptic if there's a world war three yeah and you and i were called in there's a draft and we go we need everybody everybody yeah even carlos even carlos and mccone yeah yeah but he is at whole duty those guys are inside yeah no i mean no he's glory hold glory hold Glory hold dude Just sucking off the soldiers before they come out No, no, no, I'm just saying that you find If we're in, like, you know Oh, I see We're fighting in Hong Kong, right? And then the sergeant goes Find the glory holes He knows where they are But we don't put dicks in, we put bombs in there oh they're like explosive i was gonna say like notre dame football they slap a sign that says play like a champion as they go out onto the field they all smack it yeah it's funny if every soldier before they go to war they just get to stick their cock in carlos's mouth he's just standing next to he's like go ahead anyway if you would you would you be in the same platoon as me i don't think they would put us in the same platoon.

Would you think there's an Asian?

No, what are you talking about?

Oh, just no, no, no.

Strength and skill.

Strength and skill.

Strength and skill.

No, dude.

You'd piss me off today, dude.

Am I?

I'm just.

No, I would call my agents.

No, dude.

You'd never get in.

We'd never get in the same category.

That's crazy.

No, platoons are.

They're like, this is the.

No, they have a mix.

Have you seen? No, shut the fuck up. Have you ever ever seen saving private ryan there's a mixture of different people you know i mean of it there's the one guy that's scared like you know you're like the fucking um in saving private ryan uh the guy that plays the uh interpreter even though i don't know chinese yeah you'd be the yeah but i'm just saying i there's got to be something that i can do i'm the dennis hopper character like the eccentric you know i mean yeah hey man you know i mean war is globalization whatever i don't know i say things you know i mean i don't know what do you think i know you'd be you'd be one of the lunatic one of the crazy boys in the bunch yeah but what would you not push for that i wouldn't want there's no way that i could i wouldn't want you in my platoon but then the whole time i'm at war i'm like you know what's andrew doing i have to write you letters i'd be missing you that'd be so much fun we'd i'd see you from afar also if we're in the same platoon think about that then i'm gonna see we're gonna see each other die i'd rather sit in a tent at night hoping that you're well writing you letters like a long lost love affair on the other side of the battle and i want to find out that you die from someone that goes, Soldier! No, no, no! The Dumpling was killed at 4.35.
They wouldn't call me the Dumpling! Yes, they would. They wouldn't call me, no.
They all get nicknames in the army. That's what you fucking get.
Everyone gets a nickname. If somebody called me Dumpling, I would pull them and say, can you change that? And they'd be like, you got it, you got it, Chopsticks.
I want to be Chopsticks. Yeah.
Okay, so, um, so you're funny, dude. The Chinese Cho died at 4.44 a.m., sir.
Let me say something. He was Korean.
Right. What does it...
When soldiers at war and they get shunned, they know they're going to die. Yeah.
What is the one person they call out for? God. No.
No? Their mom. Hmm.
Mom! Mommy! Remember Giovanni Ribisi? Oh, my God. Heartbreaking.
Can you imagine you call your mom? She's on an iPad. She's like, leave me alone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I'm saying is I would call out for you.
Andrew. You go, mom.
Andrew. Andrew.
And I'd come running. Morphine, morphine.
Bob. Bob.
I want you there. All right.
I'll be there with you. You know what? You know what? Fuck you.
I don't want to be in a pool with you. I'm come running.
Morphine, morphine. Bob! Bob! That's why I want you there.
All right.

I'll be there with you.

You know what?

You know what?

Fuck you!

I don't want to be in a platoon with you!

I just said yes!

Carlos, you want to be in the same platoon?

Hell yeah.

No fucking way is he going to get in there, dude.

He's never going to pass any of the tests.

Oh, yeah.

No, we're in a situation where...

They're never...

Dude, they're going to take his blood and be like, this kid...

It's a long war.

It's where they went 18 to 35, right? Now they're at a, you know, okay, I'm going to give you a Lord of the Rings reference, right? In the two towers, right? They gave old men and kids swords to fight, right? We're in dire straits. So we're in a position where we're all being called in, okay? If they ran out of 18 to 35s, they're done.
Now they need 40 and ups. Yes, that's what I'm saying.
So we get the 40 and up. Yeah, so at that point, right, I would write a letter to Congress and go, can I be in the same platoon as Carl...
George, you're out. You want to be in it? Nah, I'm fine fighting from home.
You know he's fleeing the country. Oh, he's a candidate.
Well, not wherever. No, he's one of those candidates.
Canadian. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or Mexico. You know you could see him in Mexico.
And he's like, you know, wearing tie-dye. Right.
You know what I mean? Just with a bandana. You know what I mean? Like this.
And it's like, shut the fuck up, you coward. Coward, dude.
You piece of shit. Yeah, yeah.
So you call Congress. You crystals and oh my God.
You imagine this guy. Dude, in the 60s, dude, you were one of those guys.
Patchouli boy. Yeah, patchouli boys.
No, my dad pulled the Adventist card to get out of Vietnam. Your dad did? Yeah.
He said religious reasons, can't fight. So then he went and just got medical tested on for the war.
What was the? It was the white coats. What was the religion? Seventh-day Adventist.
Adventist? Adventist. Adventist and Adventist.
Do you know these? No. Let me ask you something.
That thing that Trump, like, is there a flat foot? Oh, Protestant Christian domination. Flat feet.
Flat feet. Well, but that's back in the day.
That was like back. So you know what I would get out? Just give you Dr.
Scholl. I wouldn't get flat feet.
I would claim flat face. Flat face.
Dude, I would claim flat face. Could I get out, you think? Your Honor.
Dude i would claim flat face dude i would claim flat face could i get out you

think your honor dude i got flat face my friend has flat face all right he's just not aerodynamic yeah the wind is just gonna bounce right off of this guy although i could like camouflage myself on a wall

like Rambo

dude imagine me

bricks on me

right

and i could just stay there i would stay there for two weeks like this right i wouldn't even you know with a knife i wouldn't even do that i would just stay there just stay steady yeah yeah how would you camouflage impossible in fire yeah yeah i'd have to be a fireball yeah that is amazing yeah rambo in all mud yeah dude remember that yeah that's what i would do but i would do it with actual brick wall smart and they would not see me how could they yeah yeah i saw some of the something was showing out all like the tricks of the tunnels in vietnam that the vietnamese would dig and they were super intricate dude and how they would try to trick them to get them in or out but what they would do is they try to like flood them them out, a Choo Chi tunnel. But look at the tunnel system that they had.
And they would flood them out with water and bombs and all sorts of shit. But then the Vietnamese had counteractive shit for the weapons that the Americans would use.
So the things that they would have, they would like, if it was a rope or a pole, they would pull on the pole and it would get caught in a machine. So then it would pull the soldier in while they were down there.
Yeah. And they would have rotating spikes and shit.
Or they'd have to crawl in backwards or like upside down because it was head first. And they would fucking drown them upside down and backwards.
Imagine. I'd be so close to claustrophobic.
Oh, dude. Forget it.
I had an MRI yesterday. I was claustrophobic.
I was fucking freaking out. I hate the machine.
And all you hear is like, what, one, one, one, one, one, one. And Ho Chi Minh is the best trail maker.
Top trail. Don't you think? Look at that girl.
I'm on vacation. She's in vacation.
You know what? It actually looks pretty solid though. I mean, yeah.
Structurally it is. Structurally, yeah, yeah.
Then I would just be worried about fire or, you know what I mean? Something trapping you look at that thing that's narrow that's so crazy they created an entire network they could like hang out yeah they had they could sleep for days and days in those things and just hide out we've never had like a like have aside from like the british back in the day you know i mean yeah we've never had like a country attack us you know i mean i wonder wonder what like a 9 11 what do you mean we had the fucking yeah but not even in a traditional like war where there's like troops and you know what i mean and yeah on our soil on our soil yeah we haven't had war on our i think we would destroy people no they wouldn't even get to our soil even in la they're like we've got ms-13 you know we got oh you're saying use what we have don't you think think we would have? Yeah, go get the Crips and stuff. Yeah, yeah.
Blood. Hey, bro, what the fuck, dude? You're Palestinian, whatever.
Fuck a Palestinian, bro. Hey, Palestinian, bro.
Yeah, yeah. Or whoever am I.
What kind of Chinese are you, bro? You know what I mean? Dude, I'm me. I'm Ralph.
I'm from here. Okay, good.
Move over, man. Yeah, but who would they fight for? That's what's interesting who who would these gangs fight for well if you're fighting if we were in a war with mexico but we don't get the ms13 we're never gonna be in a war with mexico yeah we'll destroy no i mean i think we would never be in a war exactly so those are our dogs but if you were in a war with russia i think that most of the gangs in america would be on our side no you say that but like think about it those gangs have drug ties, and those drug ties, they don't want the fucking federal government telling them what to do.
You're right. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They'd get in bed with the cartel and whatever government agencies they have power over. What a weird, in LA, imagine if we were at Red Dawn and we were attacked by, oh my God, it'd be insane.
Where would they hit up first? I would be so scared. Would you be scared? Can you imagine if we were like red dawn and we were attacked by oh my god it'd be insane where would they hit up first i'll be so scared would you be scared can you imagine if they're like we're gonna bomb la and they bomb downtown and you're like nobody's down there they hit the wrong part of the city yeah yeah they're like and then yeah and then we're gonna bomb north hollywood yeah no one no one's up there yeah yeah bumps get rolled there they will you I won't't kill them they're like zombies no those are they're undefeated yeah they're undefeated what does that say is that Newsweek thinks they're gonna that's where the centrifuge of war would be oh and a nuclear this is a nuclear bomb nuclear bomb oh my god forget it this would happen but it wouldn't even hit Santa Monica oh west side safe west side best side yeah but we're fucked where we live no dude we're just yeah no yeah we're fucked we're in the fucking yeah we're in the center of it oh yeah yeah what are you gonna do no no don't you think that that because we're on the other side of the hill you don't think the hill would protect us a little bit some of it i think the hill would would get some of like the the radiation fog and smoke but i think we'd still we get a bad leg i'm in the yellow yeah you're in the oh you're done you're done yeah yeah you're in los filas or silver lake los filas i think i become a shadow yes which is awesome you'd be a shadow yeah you do carlos shadow yeah carlos shadow it's just interesting and his mouth is like this yeah wow that would that would be i mean that was that would be the way to you know i mean destroy a bomb but that's what it says nuclear bomb shows the impact of new gravity weapon of the biggest u.s cities wow wow that's scary let's hope that doesn't happen let's hope it doesn't happen or i'm on the road yeah i want to be gone yeah i've always imagined that like if i was on the road and i was in la's taken out like oh well no i got two more sets tonight, so I gotta.
It would be terrible. I mean, imagine, dude.
They wouldn't hit LA first, though. Who would you worry about? You're on the road.
Yeah, well, my wife and my dog. That's number one? This studio, you guys.
Okay. Yeah, you first.
Okay. Well, you'd be on the road, too.
Yeah, I'd be on the road. And then what would you do? Like, if I was, you were in Cleveland and I was like in Denver or whatever, vice versa,ver or whatever vice versa whatever whatever sure and then um and we wouldn't be mourning because you know i would lose so many people you would lose so many right and then our cell phones still worked and then we well you think in a day we would call each other or a couple of days it's about i don't know see you know and who knows if we could get a hold of anybody you know how like they have like cell phones crash When all that stuff goes down You know like 9-11 No one could like call anybody And the phones are down And all that I'm just thinking hypothetically If like the satellites aren't down And we could call Would you I think within the first 12 hours We would text each other 100% yeah Right away Are you okay You good No I would text you Are you gonna sell your house yeah yeah you're gonna keep your house and then what would we what would you do i mean honestly what would you do like like would the banks be working like could we get money out no no we're done once it starts it's over oh fuck that's what i'm saying dude load up that's crazy get golden guns at your house I would relapse immediately I'd be there with you We would meet I would like try to get to Wherever Denver Let's meet somewhere in the middle Yeah Let's do heroin in Missouri Yeah And then we'd just be heroin guys Fine Whatever Who cares I know You know what I mean If that's the end That's the end Yeah I want to go out like a Dude I had to do my will today This morning I had to do like my will oh my god and when you have to decide like he literally was like um step by step he's like if you're if you are in a tragic accident and your brain is incapacitated right like your brain your brain dead essentially how long do you want to be alive how long did you say i had to do it today how long do you think i i said your brain i'm brain dead Your brain.
I'm brain dead, but I'm in a vegetative state. But there's hope that I might come back.
You know what I mean? But they ask you how long. A month.
Interesting. What do you guys think? Zero minutes.
Jeremy, what about you? One week. One week.
George is actually right. You know why I did a week? So family could come say goodbye to you.
But you said that there could be a possibility that you can be alive. There is a possibility.
Why wouldn't you give them more than a week then? Just one week. I said one week family could come say goodbye to you but you said that there could be a possibility that you can be alive there is a possibility why wouldn't you give them more than a week then just one week i said one week they can come say goodbye because i don't want to put the burden of me being in a vegetative state on other people i want to put the burden i know you do yeah yeah i'm burden guy you're 10 years yeah yeah yeah i'm a 10 year guy yeah you're 10 years yeah everyone want everyone to come i know what i said one week for the family to come say goodbye and then after that it says drug drug induced thereinduced disability.
It's a lot of money, though, that's wasted. That's what I mean.
Yeah. But I don't want my family to have my money, so just put the money in.
Well, that was the next question. After all that stuff was like, who gets your funds and all this bullshit? So what'd you do? Do I get any? In the event that- I don't like that smile.
Do I get any? Well, first of all, my wife gets all of it and then in all yeah in the event that she's not around she won't be trust me okay okay in the event that she's out let's say both of us died tragically together yeah uh it gets it goes to my parents and let's say if my parents aren't alive then it goes to my sister and if my sister's not alive it goes to goes to my dog. And if my dog, no, my dog's not.
Okay, if- And if you haven't eaten my dog by this point, no. No, no, no.
It goes to then my sister. And then after that, it goes to three or four different charities.
One of which being Children's Hospital. They don't need the money.
Yes, they do. Okay.
My bad answer. Kids having cancer is the worst thing in the fucking...
There is literally no greater crime the universe commits than giving children cancer. Interesting.
You wouldn't need my money. Interesting.
Interesting. You would never give me any of your money when you're dead.
You're in my fucking will.

You don't get a lot, but you're in it.

Well, then I'll change it.

Am I really?

Yeah.

How much do I get?

Everyone's in it.

Well, tell me how much I get.

Like 20 grand.

Fuck you.

20 fucking grand for all I've done for you? You know which money?

I have 100 grand in the bank.

Well, then give me the 100.

No.

My mom, my brother.

We have the same thing, but I give everyone something.

I think your mom gets all of it, and if she's not around, Steve gets all of it. No, that's not what I have.
Everyone gets something. Abby gets something.
Everyone gets something. Abby gets something? My manager, yeah, yeah.
Why? Who do I care? I'm going to be dead. That's my point.
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That's my point though. That's why I'm going to give it to charity because what do i fucking i care no give charity okay we should give it away well can i have something of yours you actually do what i can't tell you i think you're lying dude now you do get something now we get to the topic of death and i'm it's not death no no it's just a beautiful way of you have to frame your life while here and they tell you, you're not young anymore.
You got to fucking set up a thing in case you go away. So in case this World War III happens in 2025 that we're in.
But when you see like a celebrity die at 53, because I'm 53, right? You go, because I feel so young still and you just kind of go, oh shit, it can happen at any time. Ricky Henderson died, the baseball player.
I know this episode will be out significantly after but how old is he young dude i think he was 63 which fucking that fucked me up i think he died he died of 65 yeah and he died of pneumonia what which never fucking had maybe he had pre-existing conditions something else so bobby this guy the way you love the way you love uh football players soccer players this guy was the man For you. He was the...
Well, I guy, the way you love football players, soccer players, this guy was the man. For you.
Well, I mean, he didn't play for anything that I love. He was just, back when I was a kid, he was incredible.
Ricky Henderson was the fucking man. So fast, yeah.
And like a supreme athlete. Literally never heard of him.
Look at the size of his fucking legs. Those are- That's big.
I'm not joking. That's bigger than's bigger than your stomach i'm not kidding but 65 is so young that's what scares me yeah it's pretty young i mean that's so young you're you're 50 well how was how old was bob saget well bob was a tragic accident about how old was he i think he was in his mid 50s or late 50s 50 60s he was 60 he was 60 65 whoa yeah that that that fucked me up well that was a horrible accident that should have never happened yeah right so that he would have lived significantly longer he wasn't sick or anything that was just a bad accident what a good guy anyway um no more death no more let's not talk about death anymore let's talk about life let's talk about the birth of life let's talk about a birth of life the ancient big head people scientists uncover a lost human in asio with an abnormally large skull that lived alongside homo sapiens a hundred thousand they're called asians what are you talking about big head people yeah that's what they did that that's just what they call them asians dude is that what they just called them big head people yeah yeah look at how okay well how big is it i can't from that photo i can't tell this is what they, like a mock-up of them.
He looks, what the fuck? That looks like, what's his name who works at the store? Yeah, yeah. But is that why Koreans have such big heads? Because they intermingled a little bit? Yeah, that's right.
There's a, I don't know what the people are called in Korea or in Japan, but there's a type of people that were, they didn't look asian but they're mixed with asians and that's why japanese people look the way they do it's nicotine okay i'm not vaping weed at work i don't know dude we don't know anymore we don't know anymore we don't know we know no we know we know how about that how about we know we know bro i'm not smoking weed at work that are like vape whenever you've seen me you smoking weed outside of work, though. I'm not vaping weed or anything like that.
I'm not, dude. What's the truth? The truth is that...
But did you take something last week? What do you mean? What do you mean? Oh, here at work? Mm-hmm. Dude, I never come to work high.
Okay. But you do it off of work.
I have a little bit. Yeah, I know.
But I'm not like... Because when I saw you in that alleyway...
When I saw you in the alleyway... You did look stoned.
You looked stoned, dude. When? When I caught you in the alleyway.
Dude, that was a whole... Were you not high? I was not high that night.
Nothing. I was embarrassed because I was with a girl.
No, dude, there was something going on. What do you mean you were embarrassed you were with a girl? No, there was a girl and a guy.
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then they were doing some sort of, like, some sexual three-way. Did you have a threesome? No, I didn't, but I was embarrassed Bobby caught me, like, striking out with a girl.
Oh, well, yeah, that's kind of funny. Yeah.
But... I didn't bring, like, you've never seen me vape weed in Australia, here, ever.
Never. Did you hook up with the guy and not the girl?

No, but he was more interested in talking to me.

It was weird.

What is with you?

He DM'd me later.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

I watched this reality show this weekend, and I only related to the gay men on it.

Okay.

Anyway, what's going on?

What's it called?

Mexican Dynasties. I loved it.
Have I seen this? Have's it called mexican dynasties i loved it have i seen this have we seen this mexican dynasties can reality show it's so good about rich people in mexico city oh oh wow we had now i have to watch that uh yeah because rich mexicans are my favorite they're my favorite yeah yeah great restaurants in mexico city i hear i mean is that the people with the j, right? What are they called? Juman. Juman.
Juman. Juman people.
Juman people. So at one point, they looked like a Spanish midfield soccer player.
Okay. And then they mixed it with, you know what I mean, a regular age.
Right. Right.
And then the Japanese occurred. But at one point, they looked like that.
See, it's interesting when people, it is funny when the more mixing there is as time has gone on. Yeah.
Like Tiger Woods, look at his kids. He just plays playing in this thing with his son, obviously.
Let me see what Tiger Woods looks like. But he's got a daughter and a son, but it's like you couldn't tell what that kid is.
You'd have no idea what that kid is. Oh, the kid, Islander.
They always look Hawaiian. Pacific Islander.
At the end of the day, when you

mix enough, they're Hawaiian. Yeah.

What are you? Hawaiian. You know who's cute?

Jordan Peele and Chelsea

Peretti's kid. There's no photo?

I did see a photo. I mean, it was

through a text or something. He was like really

cute, like handsome almost.

That's a big thing. People now, celebrities, they put their kids

up on the internet, but they cover their face with like a

smiley face and like ice cream cone. It's weird.
Then why even have the photo itself? Do you know what I mean? Like why put up the picture? If you don't want to have your family on there, don't put them on there. But then why put them on there and then cover up their face? That seems so strange.
It's like just do it or don't do it. Do you, like I miss Jordan.
Do you ever miss people? Yeah. I mean, I don't know him.
I don't miss him because i don't know him i miss uh he's hanging out with him every day for so long and then i just kind of miss him well i stayed on the phone last night with jay larson for like an hour dude because the story i love that guy so much he's the best dude and he's a great guy so funny and dude we called each other because it was like the old days the hallway was like dude i saw you I saw you. That was good.
It just felt like the old days. It felt like the old days.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so Jay called me and I called Jay and we both said the same thing.
I was like, dude, that felt like it used to feel when it was like, I don't know, when the store had people coming and going more and everyone was finally in town. That was fun, yeah.
It was great. That's a fun, yeah.
But I miss, there were some guys that I miss. No, I want to, can you be completely honest with me? Because you did great last night.
I wasn't going to say anything. Oh boy.
But I'll just get it out of the way. When I walked into the improv and I saw you in the dark.
Yeah. I got the vibe of you going, get away from me.
Was that true? No, you know better. No, no, I'm being real.
When have i ever done that you were sitting there on your phone you look up at me i look at you and then you went back into your phone and i just left the room no that's what happened no i know but i did because it was quiet in the room but if when i see you at the store we always say how what do you mean okay no i'll tell you what it really was is i was you're back yeah i was in the middle of a little pain little. And I was sitting there in pain until the drugs kicked in.
That was a good fun improv spot. It was great.
I thought they were good. Yeah, they were very good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were very good except that girl who left in your set also left in my set.
I hate that. What are you doing? In the middle of a setup, you don't stand up in the front row and leave.
I have to say something. Where are you doing i mean that i i in the middle of a setup you don't go you don't stand up in the front row and leave i have to say something where are you going where the fuck are you going right now yeah right now yeah yeah there's there's there's an obvious piss break which is when the house goes up yeah and brings people on that's your way out in between comics yeah yeah or or yeah sit it out in the middle of the set it's a joke joke joke and then when there's a little break between jokes then get up and get out as fast as you can but not when you're like in the middle of a setup it's like right when you're starting to tell a joke and someone's like and they get and you're like i wouldn't do it yeah because then everybody goes what's that guy doing is he gonna where's he? In the main room, something happened where I told one joke that I knew that some people

aren't going to like.

And then I looked to my left and these two girls were so tuned out at me.

I stopped the show and I look at him and go, oh, you guys are tuned out.

And one girl did this.

And this isn't even fun.

I don't know what she was doing.

She just goes like this.

She goes.

Oh, she showed your feet.

I put her feet in my face.

Right.

With two feet coming up. Right.
I go, what the fuck is that? And i just walked to the other side of the stage i go that's fucking weird i've never seen that before in my life what the fuck are you doing it was almost it was like fuck you yeah double fuck double fuck with my feet yeah yeah fuck you i'm gonna ask you another thing is have you ever had this happen you're at a club comedy club yeah there's a woman there yeah very attractive sure but there's crazy in their eyes oh yeah and so then you have to and she was like she you know and i can tell that when she gave me a hug it was like her chest into me and that she wouldn't let go oh wow right she was gonna kill you right and i and i depart and goes, she looks at me and is like, what are we doing?

And I go, oh, no, I'm seeing somebody.

Oh, she was looking to.

Yeah.

Because Carlos, have you ever met anybody that you're like, I think it's crazy and I can't do it?

Or do you do it?

He goes for it.

60, 40.

Like when I was younger, I would do it more.

Now I try not to, but also fail. So I usually do.
I think it's 100 fail for you yeah i usually yeah yeah yeah don't do 60-40 don't do 60-40 how about you when i see people back in the day crazy eyes yeah crazy eyes immediately i run for the fucking hills she was hot but crazy eyes yeah the hot ones do have crazy eyes yeah yeah but if she's hot i know but it's know, but it's like, I understand that. It was a dilemma.
You did the right thing. I think so.
Because you don't want crazy eyes in the morning. She's like, I moved in.
I know. Yeah, that's what I mean.
That's my U-Haul. Yeah, yeah.
I figured that's okay. Yeah, yeah.
When they say crazy things like, I make fresh pasta from scratch. Oh, no.
See, I'm intrigued. You are? Yeah.
No. No, fresh pasta.
I'm into fresh pasta. scratch oh no see i'm intrigued you are yeah no no fresh pasta i'm into a fresh pasta your third line in i make i'm i'm you know what i mean i'm candace right i live in la oh i make fresh pasta you do from scratch that's crazy i would love fresh pasta oh third end you're fine fresh pasta she didn't say i like hand pluck goose feathers she's not like i fucking kill geese in my backyard it's some arbitrary like information that like shouldn't be in the third thing as long as the arbitrary information is something cool like i make something neat i do an artistic thing that's cool but if she said okay i'm gonna say something okay hi hi how are you my namebon.
I live in Burbank. Oh, great.
Yeah, I know Burbank. Yeah.
And you know the end of lamp fixtures? I suck on those. You do? Crazy? I love it.
All right. I have so many lamps in my house.
You like that. My house is filled with lamps.
So that's not nuts to you? Not at all. Okay.
Hi. Hey, hi.
Yeah. Hey, Bobby, I'm such a big fan.
What's your name? Chandala. Chandala? Chandala.
Like chandelier and Andrea? Chandala? Okay. Hi, Chandala.
That's my mom was a chandelier salesperson. Okay.
My dad's name was Andrea. Okay.
What's the arbitrary thing? My name is Chandala. Yes.
I live on the west side. Okay.
I live by Santa Monica. Yeah, I know what the west side...
I know what the west side... If we have a nuclear bomb, it won't get to us.
Google. Do you know that? Yeah, I do.
Anyway... I floss my teeth with my own hair.
I just want to let you know that it is. Yeah, yeah.
What do you say? That's fine. That wouldn't turn you off.
I don't think that would turn me off. She takes her hair, flosses her teeth, puts it back.
Yeah. Like when women do that.
That wouldn't turn you off? That turns you off? If she would use her hair to floss her teeth. That turns you off.
Me too then. Way more than.
Me too then. Way more than sucking on a lamp fucking thing.
Yeah, yeah. No, I think that's pretty normal.
If you floss with your hair and then put your hair back like it never happened and this is every day yeah what about this when a i had a girl we were taking a shower together and she peed in the shower love i love that pee on me yeah but you know what and i'm and i'm fine with that oh but when i poo in the bathtub it's armageddon it is it should be yeah yeah yeah it's like whoa you could do that and I can't shit what I'm fine with that. Oh, but when I poo in the bathtub, it's Armageddon.
It is. It should be.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, whoa, you could do that and I can't shit when I'm taking a bath? Two different things.
They are? Yeah, completely. Okay.
I don't know. You know that.
Yeah. But- Hi.
What? Hi. I'm Cassette.
Like a tape cassette? I don't know what that is. I'm 25.
Oh, hey, Cass. Hi.
I'm such a big fan of Bad Friends. Oh, thank you, cassette.
I love you. Anyway, I got another set to do.
I live in Venice. Do you want to come over to my house? What street? Lincoln? Wayward.
Oh, I know Wayward. Yeah, very specific.
I collect dead pigeons. I embalm them and my house is filled with them.
Your taxidermy? No. What do you call it? I call it just pigeon girl.
I'm a pigeon girl. Oh, yeah.
I'm out. Really? I'm fucking out.
I have huge tits. Okay.
What else? And I love Korean men. That's a win.
Well, third thing, and then I'm in. Give me one good one.
I make homemade pasta. I'm out.
I'm out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I want to say, if she looked like Margot Robbie. Hot.
Right? So hot. Hot, so hot, right? God, she's so beautiful.
And she had crazy eyes. Yeah.
Right? The floss would be fine. I think the pasta would be fine.
Pasta's obviously fine. Yeah, it's fine.
Dead pigeons all over the house. Taxidermy pigeons.
I think dead pigeons would be fine too. If it's Margot Robbie.
Margot Robbie. What about you? If you were not with your wife? I would have to get in and get out.
I'd be like, look, let's hang out once. But if you start does it go but you have to wear a condom with the pigeon lady yeah no what i mean dude this is what happens because you know what trisha paytas said you knock up a pigeon lady no but you know how there are women at the hollywood club that seek celebrities to get impregnated by them oh yeah there's a lot of those i know you got to be careful you're out there fucking hanging out having fun being single and it's like you never

know some girl could be miss lee i know but what i do is i do um edging and i edge and i don't come

do you do that i have yeah but you know edging still leaks a little bit your your pipes aren't

closed anymore why does it leak because you're we're getting older you're gonna leave yeah yeah

like after you go to the bathroom after you take a piss you piss your pants a little bit afterwards

Thank you. Your pipes aren't closed anymore Why does it leak? Because we're getting older You're gonna leak Yeah yeah Like after you go to the bathroom

After you take a piss

You piss your pants a little bit afterwards

I do

I know

How do you know

We all do

Okay good

But as you get older it gets worse

My dad sometimes will piss his actual pants

Yeah it does

He'll just piss his pants

Yeah yeah yeah

He'll be like oh god damn it

Well you know what

He'll be in a spot like this big

You know how

Have you ever caught me smelling my penis what you never caught me doing have you caught me doing that smelling it you've caught me george right no yeah yeah what i'll do is and it's quick i'll just go oh i've seen you do that you've seen me do that right yeah it's because of the leaking oh you want to make sure you're not leaking too much yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah. You leak, don't you, Carlos? Yeah, those pipes leak.
George leaks for sure. So when my brother was 12 years old, he had a neighborhood, this Jewish kid that came over.
And my brother had a Casio keyboard that my parents had bought him for his birthday. Yeah.
And when my dad took naps, right, if you made, if a feather fell on the ground forget it it's it's the incredible the yellow incredible hall it's like you know i mean like all right so my brother was playing keyboards right my dad took naps naked why so this is broad daylight on a saturday right my dad walks into my brother's room completely naked, right? My dad, he takes the keyboard and smashes it on my brother's back. Keys are flying out, right? But when he turned around, my brother and his friend laughed because what did they see? Your dad's little Korean penis.
No, he turned around leaving the room Oh his ass The Korean kite My dad used to sleep With a bunch of toilet paper jammed in his butthole And the fucking toilet paper would be sticking out He'd look like a Korean kite Shopify If you don't have Shopify you're sinking dude deep You're sinking down It's a new year 2025 And thinking, how am I going to make this year different? How am I going to build something for myself? I'm dying to be on my own boss or see if I can turn this business idea. I've been kicking around into reality, but I don't know how to make it happen.
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And the reason why I didn't know until now I know my age,

and I have to stick toilet paper back there.

Why, you leak or something?

There's a little bit of leakage sometimes.

At night?

Or just when you sleep?

24-7.

When you sleep.

Right now, you have TP up.

Well, I'm on Ozempic right now, so it clogs it up. Right.
But in just regular, sometimes. Really? Yeah.
So I have to like, and what I do is, I don't know if you notice, I don't know why I'm revealing this. This is so disgusting.
Give it to me. Well, I'm already giving it to you.
Well, go. Okay.
This is so disgusting. I don't even know what I was just saying.
I'm going to do it. I fuck it.
I don't care. But it's like, if you notice, I have bottles of cologne on me.
All the time. Right.
In your car. And I have wet naps.
Sure. Right.
On the go. So this is an emergency kit.
So what I do is, at the LAX or whatever, right? Dude, when we're traveling, that's what you're doing. You go wipe off the leak and spray, spray, spray? I spray.
the fucking I know Wet ones I've smelled it Right Then I do a thing Right Just in case Just in case There's leakage yeah You don't have emergency Things like that Anybody in the room Please back me up Anybody We're not over 50 Oh that's true No it's just I think it's I think that's hereditary I think that's your family I think it's your dad Yeah dad, I think I'm a Korean kite as well. You should start walking around with it in there just in case.
You know? Yeah. My dad used to, I mean, dude, one time, man, my dad, my mom fucked up on rice.
She fucked up rice? When Koreans fuck up rice, people get mad. That's divorce yeah yeah that's how that's how marriages end so the dry rice rice was way too dry oh yeah so my brother and i my mom and dad were at the dinner table and my dad and you know you know um korean food what's the great thing about korean food when it comes when you're at a korean restaurant all the little little the little sides yeah yeah hundred Yeah, so my mom did the same thing.
There was like 15 little tiny, you know what I mean? Oh, I love that. It's the best, right? Love that.
And the little grill on the table, right? Snacks on the go. And then the rice was a little too dry.
And once I took the bite of the rice, my mind went, oh no! Dry rice, dry rice, right, right, right? My dad took the table and threw it into the ceiling and all the panchan stuck to the ceiling and it rained kimchi, right? No, I'm not kidding you, dude. And it was like, oh, my mom was running from my dad.
It was insane. Kimchi rained.
So if you're Korean, don't make it perfect, the rice. Make the rice perfect.
Yeah. There's so much trauma.

My parents never cooked. My mom wasn't a big cook.
My dad's favorite meal of my mom's is called burnt chicken. Really? It's called burnt chicken.
No sauce? No, there's a fuckload of sauce. Everything is sauce.
What kind of sauce? She does like a homemade, it's like a honey barbecue. with, it's got a homemade barbecue with a teriyaki base, you know? It's like a teriyaki base.
That's a good, that's a good. But it's burned chicken.
Yeah. It's chicken that they burned.
Did you ever do Hungry Man? The Hungry Man meals? Yeah. Yeah, the frozen meals.
Every meal. Love those.
Yeah. My favorite thing of the Hungry Man meal is that little dessert section.
Oh, brownie section Like the apple Yeah the brownie Or apple thing or whatever

Oh it's the best

You never did hungry man's?

No I've done it before

I know the brownie

Your parents did doctors

He didn't have to do that

Doctors fed you

No I had it in LA

My favorite was turkey

And the little stuffing

Gravy one

With the mashed potatoes

What is that?

Green peas

That was hungry man?

That's a hungry man one

Yeah yeah yeah

And there's

I just don't do frozen pasta

Do you do that?

In college I did

Back in the day

A bag of stouffers Thank you. green peas and then the little, that's a hungry man one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's, I just don't do frozen pasta.

Do you do that?

In college,

I did a lot of bag of Stouffer's,

you know,

the Stouffer's meals.

Yeah,

yeah.

I used to do those.

And one time I was visiting my buddy,

Tyler in DC,

and I had a late night flight and it was storming outside,

storming.

And Tyler and I,

you know,

we used to get high together all the time.

It's how we met in high school,

smoking weed at lunch.

And I have a late night flight. He makes one of those Stouffer's, look at the Stouffer's two-for-one pasta bags.
He makes one of these Stouffer's late night pasta bags, right? One of those right there. That bag.
It's a bag, right? Exactly. I grill.
Asiago chicken, right? So he grills up one of these things, feeds me before I catch my flight. We're in college and I'm sitting there and I go to the bathroom and I'm like feeling kind of out of it.
And I'm like, Jesus Christ, what am I doing? I go back and sit down and I'm like feeling funky and I'm already kind of anxious because it's a, it's a midnight flight or whatever, pouring down rain. And he goes, are you stoned? I go, what? I'm not stoned.
Do you feel stoned? I go, why? He goes, I put a huge chunk of weed butter in the Stouffer's skillets. I was like, wait, are you serious? He goes, oh, yeah, I put a fuckload in there.
He's like, I figured it'd be good for your flight. I was like, no, bad.
Bad. Bad.
Did you get high? I was so fucking high. I was so- Were you mad? No, I couldn't be mad.
I was scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was like, how am I going to get to the airport? How am I going to get home? He's like, oh, what do you mean? You'll catch a cab. You'll be fine.
Don't worry about it. Panic.

That was the worst flight.

Dude, if somebody did that to me now, sober, I would be, yeah.

No.

It's a free one.

No, dude.

I got way too high.

Should I do it as a surprise?

No.

Fuck you.

Shut up.

No, no, no.

Because now it's not.

Oh, I do.

Yeah, yeah.

Idiot.

If I eat a bowl of pasta you gave me, there's no way.

I would know secretly that you did it.

Imagine you dose his pasta, but because he was Zempick, he can't finish it. It never even gets high.
I know. Wow.
Dude, so many of our friends are on Ozempic. I know.
It's crazy how many people are talking to me about it, or whatever the other one is that you're on. We go over.
There's a bunch of different ones. The amount of people, and I can't name names.
It's not my business to say, but the amount of people that I've told me privately are on it. So many.
I'm blowing my mind. I feel like it's like a thing.
It's almost like a thing I'm finding out that, you know, when you find out as you get older or something, your parents did that you're like, everybody did that? Yeah. And your parents are like, yeah, we just didn't, don't worry about it.
Shut up. Like, I had no idea that many people took this shit.
It really does work though. I can't believe it.
I know. I can believe it.
It what it's you know it's supposed to help people stop fucking eating and it's working like you've when it because i've been taking this girl out to blvd yeah yeah right and even me um you know what i order there i go give me as my meal i get the three sauteed shrimp that's so good they are so good right and i'll get some, you know, halibut ceviche. You know, right? And that's it.
And that's all night. That's the only thing I'll eat.
What? Yeah. You won't even have a piece of steak? No.
She ate a fucking tomahawk like this. No dessert.
Nothing. No dessert.
Nothing. I can't get anything else in.
That's incredible. You eat it.
You're like, I I can't I'm about to vomit God that's amazing It's amazing It is a miracle And then you don't get like Hunger pains at night What about Yeah in the middle of the night Sometimes I do eat cereal In the middle of the night Yeah and I'll eat Either My favorite is I love golden grahams Oh GGs Right I like cinnamon life I like cinnamon life Cinnamon life my friend Well here's why you like it Because the milk is phenomenal I want to do cinnamon life and just bottle that milk afterwards That's so smart Why don't they do that It's what's your least favorite cereal It's so easy Captain Crunch Because it cuts your tongue and your mouth I hate the flavor everything about it But the peanut butter Captain Crunch is pretty good I can't eat it i hate it what about like blueberries hate it wow i'm gonna tell you right now what i like count chocula is that like fruity pebbles no count chocolate is like an iteration of captain crunch okay fruity pebbles anything fruity pebbly i like i don't like that uh do you like anything that doesn't come with a toy? Just make it up for Andres being gone. Yeah.
Well, you're doing a great job because he's just as shitty as you. That's the same bomb.
That makes me mad. That right there is ruined it all for me.
No, let's keep moving. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, Coco Pebbles is the same as Fruity Pebbles. I like anything pebbly.
You are a pebble guy. I'm a pebble guy and then also, okay, so...
Hold on. Fruit Loops.
No. No.
I don't like loops. So Apple Jacks are out then.
I'm out. Wow.
Wow, that's crazy. Apple Jacks are so good.
What I do like, I like the frosted mini wheats. Yeah, okay.
First of all... It absorbs the milk.
It's great. It's the best.
They need more frosting. No, I like that one side.
The frosting should go all the way around. That's not true at all.
Frosting should go all the way around. It's too much.
It's too much. No, then you're eating just shredded wheats.
Because by the way, sometimes, I'll say this. Listen up.
Dude, those things are the best. Listen up, Kellogg's.
Yeah. I'll tell you what pisses me off about frosted mini wheats.
Lately, they've been skimping on the frost. A lot of times I'll see a mini-wheat there, the whole one side isn't frosted.
It'll be a little piece of frost. Look at that long piece of fucking...
Sometimes you get a double down. I don't want a double one.
No, I love that. And I suck it like this.
Right. I know you do.
And I've talked about this before, I think. I don't know where.
And I've had to campaign because in the late 70s, early 80s, there was one thing that was the greatest thing ever made. It was the greatest thing ever made.
It's what I survived on. If I think about it today, my mouth waters.
All right, give me the initials. I can guess it.
You're never going to guess it. Give me the initials.
I'll just say Carnation. Oh, the Instant Breakfast? No.
In the early 80s, there was a Carnation breakfast bar. Oh, you told us about this.
Yeah, yeah. Right, the breakfast bar.
And they stopped making it. And if you go online, people still want the recipe.
I remember this thing. Yeah is the was the greatest breakfast thing the way it fell apart in your mouth the crunch the crumble everything about it i would take i would buy 15 boxes at the fucking thing is carnation still a company look that up do they still exist yeah they are they do but they don't make those bars somebody owns them somebody's got to remake that why don't we fucking We should do Bad Friends Carnation Breakfast bars Who owns Carnation now Look that up Nestle Oh they do Yeah Nestle Parent company Yeah Frazier and Neve I think people have tried online I've read on Reddit and stuff People try to make it I don't think they've I think they've failed There's something magical about it Well the magic is gone It's gone Isn't it funny when you find out Who owns? Like the other day I looked up JetBlue because I was like, they were booking me on a JetBlue flight because I got to fly for this gig.
And I was like, oh yeah, JetBlue. And then look who owns JetBlue, by the way.
Because I was looking up what the- Oh my God. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Before you get to it. I was looking up what the flights that, are they owned by United? It was like they had a partnership, right? That's what I was looking their points or whatever and then i accidentally looked up who owns it zoom in look at this black rock vanguard black rock dude i don't know who that is one of the largest fucking like venture capital conglomerate they own the world wow they're probably the fucking they're probably the biggest purveyors of like war black rock is basically fucking i mean they make everything look what they own as of december black rock's market cap net worth is 159 billion dollars the world's largest money management firm they own everything wow they have 11.5 trillion in assets which means they which means they're trillion yeah because they're military they make military trillion yeah oh yeah big t

um imagine me what would you do if you were a trillionaire you'd never see me again oh yeah you'd see me no on everything put yourself on billboards all up and down clouds the clouds would be my face you'd look up all the clouds would be uh they're bobby seating again so fucking rad

private military companies

black water

oh black rock Is that a cloud seeding? You would look up, all the clouds would be. Oh, they're bobby seeding again.
So fucking rad. Yeah.
Private military companies, Blackwater. Oh, yeah.
Oh, BlackRock, not Blackwater. That's Blackwater, right? No, but BlackRock does military contracting.
Yeah, they do contracting, right. Trillion.
Well, dude, you saw what happened the other day to fucking Elon Musk, right? Mm-hmm. Since Trump's election, he dollars because of uh because of his stock options and everything that shot through the roof between x SpaceX uh x Tesla 439 billion 439 billion dollars billion dollars yeah yeah yeah look at that Jeff Be7.
Nice try, bitch. He's getting married.
Who is? Bezos. He's getting married? Yeah, in Aspen, I think, this weekend.
Are you going? Did you get invited? No, no. Surprised you're not.
We should all get invited for how many Amazon... My house is an Amazon fucking factory.
The amount of shit my wife gets up from Amazon, comical. No, it, honestly, at this point, the fucking driver the other day goes,

back again.

Wow.

Back again, that's what he says.

Is she addicted?

I'm addicted.

Is she addicted?

She's bad addicted.

Yeah, yeah.

What did she get?

Just bullshit.

It's all bullshit for the house.

It's stuff.

It's small stuff for the house.

And you don't yell at her ever.

No, why?

Who gives a fuck?

It's just funny to me.

I'm like, more shit?

Wait, so does she say to you, does she say know i spent forty two hundred dollars this week no she doesn't spend it's not like that it's just small stuff yeah but she she she doesn't have to go to you and go hey i spent this no why okay that's great what a great dad a brother husband dad brother husband what a great dad brother husband you know some some guys are like that like, I want to see the receipts. You know what I mean? No, because she's not buying crazy shit.
She's just buying like... So if she did spend like $22,000 on something, would she tell you? Yeah, we'd have to have a conversation.
$22,000? I'd be like, what was it? What? What was it? Did you buy? High heels. Baby, you bought $22,000 high heels? No, I bought like 14 of them.
That led up to $22,000. So don't yell at me.
No, well, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a lot of money. Why are we spending $22,000 on shoes? I like them.
I know that you like them, but could you get less than 14? No. You need them.
Yeah. You promise? Yes.
Alright, it's fine. And you're fine with it? I guess if you say you need them, what am I going to do do if you say you need them wow what am i gonna what am i gonna say yeah because then it's like then i want to go buy something fun for me and because she could be like why do you want that car i really love cars what's the justification right we all have our bullshit that the our partner could go well that's stupid as fuck yeah and by the way it probably is shoes are dumb clothes are dumb cars are dumb toys are dumb but like i want we want them so fuck it guess what the number one thing i buy off of tiktok and instagram and i get something every week sex toys no pants no shoes slides what's the slide mean sandals flip that he's right that's comfy sandals no ohals.
No. Oh, a thing for the cats.
Yes. Oh, I did that and it never came.
I was so mad. Thing for the cats.
You know why? Then I bought it on Amazon, the same thing, and the cat didn't even play with it. That's why you have to buy a lot.
You got to buy more. I buy everything.
A bird. A mechanical bird.
Love. You charge it, right? And the cat just kind of walk by it they don't give a fuck dude you got to keep trying yeah i keep trying i bought a scratching pot that looked like an asian temple oh and it's not it's right outside my when i left the house today the box was there so i'm going to assemble it when i get back that's cute yeah stuff for the animal i'll buy anything for the dog i don't give a shit yeah but when i say she if she spent like look if she had a problem if it was bad and she spent too much money where it was like scary yeah we'd have a conversation about it but you know what i mean it would have to be like what the fuck's going on but that was the thing i think about sometimes like you hear these stories later in life people that are like the spouse was spending crazy money and they didn't know do you know what i mean like you know those fucked up stories where they're like they had a gambling addiction and they were you know what happened no sometimes the wife is so in debt and she's hiding from the husband yeah and then they kill the husband i've seen a couple of those yeah have you seen a couple of those they kill them because they don't want to kill them yeah you'd rather kill me than tell me we're in debt yeah i know i know Fucking in debt I know Fucking tell me And then what happens when you tell me that we're in debt Then I kill you That's why Or what would you do If you found out that your wife Put a hit on you I've seen a couple of those too It turned me on a little bit That would destroy me It'd be kind of hot though at first.
You'd want to fuck it out. What do you mean? Because you'd be like, you tried to fucking kill me? Yeah, I forgive you, but we got to fuck a lot.
We got to fuck a lot, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. If I found out my wife put a hit out on me, it would turn me on for the creativity of it.
Right. It would be kind of rad.
Where did you find these guys? It's divorce though. I don't know.
That would be real. Might be fight to the death.
Yeah. How about you you do it george oh i'd just move away i'd hide would you get divorced though no i wouldn't even i would not pass go i'd just be i'd be in the middle of montana oh yeah see glacier national park what are your kids though kids what kids he's gone you take the kids if i had time but if they if they were daycare i'd just be gone this fucking first out of town.
What a man. Well, you know what it is.
You're a real man, dude. He doesn't want these kids or this wife.
He's gone. This guy's dreaming of the mountains in his mind.
He wants to run away by a little river. But do you have enough to survive in the mountains? Yeah, but you're like Ted Kaczynski or whatever.
Oh, yeah. He was poor.
That was his real problem. He didn't get any.
I've listened to a whole podcast. That's his name, Ted Kaczynski? Yeah.
Yeah. Unabomber, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Him and his brother were real weirdos. Yeah, you would wear, I'd have a beard.
You'd be like making things in the fucking shed. Yeah, make his own clothes.
Yeah, yeah. Oh my God.
You'd be so weird. Carlos, what would you do if your significant other put a hit on you? Oh, I'd call the FBI.
Thank you. Snitch.
Do her. Fucking rat.
Snitch. Brat.
No, fuck her. Oh, getting divorced is like a cheat code.
would oh now i get to be single i'd slowly poison her yeah oh i like oh yeah i find out she was to put a hit on me i'd slowly poison so i saw one where a girl gets caught now she's at the cops and they they confront her they go we know we have it all on tape right and the husband's there right and then the cop opens the door the husband's there and she! Right? And then the cop opens the door.

The husband's there.

And she goes, Tommy, come here.

Just come here.

Mm-mm.

Let's talk.

Fuck you.

Come here, Tommy.

Nope.

Seriously, what the fuck is going on, Tommy?

Tommy's like, fuck off, right?

Yeah.

But it's like, what do you think is going to happen, lady?

Yeah, but she probably was trying to manipulate him.

By the way, she's probably a master manipulator.

She's probably a sociopath. And she probably thinks, I didn't do anything wrong.
She wasn't doing that hot! You didn't even do that hot! If you're going to kill me, you better be hot. You better be hot.
You better be so hot. Margot Robbie.
Yeah, you better be. Margot, fuck, kill me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey.
Oh, my God. Hey, Sidney Sweeney.
Murder me. Murder me.
Yeah, yeah. Slit my throat in cold blood.

But it's like the gall.

To have you put a hit is crazy.

It's crazy, dude.

If you were going to put a hit on somebody, how would you go find someone to do that though?

You can't Google it.

There's no way to do it.

Late at night, I do think about stuff.

Because you know, late at night, you have revenge fantasies.

You do, for sure.

You don't have revenge fantasies? Not really. I don't care.
Me either then. You love it.
I know you do. So I lay in my bed and that always putting on a hit in my scenarios in my head.
Because I go, how would I do it? Well, you go get a homeless guy. Even then it's like, no, because they're going to catch you on tape.
How? Even approaching the homeless guy.

What's Bobby Lee giving a homeless guy four grand?

I wasn't giving him that much money.

Okay.

I hid the money.

He had to go get it. So I'm at Skid Row.

I got it all planned out.

You do?

I'm hanging out at Skid Row.

Yeah.

I go, that guy might go.

Hey, sir, can you come here?

And he's like, ah, shit, I'm a fake.

A cuckoo-cuckoo-doo.

And then you're like, okay, that's not the guy.

The cuckoo-cuckoo-doo?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my guy.
Right. And then so so where would I go and then I would probably go to like Guam the guy that works yeah yeah he looks like he knows somebody yeah he does I go go ahead you know anybody I'm just you know hypothetical yeah no dude get the fuck away from me that means he does he's like right I think I would call the shadiest guy now yeah but after that I'd be like I don like, I don't know what to do.
I'd get a homeless guy because then it's, you know what, if you get a crazy homeless guy and you hide the money, you give him like two couple of tasks. One, he's got to go kill someone.
Two, I've hid the money all over the place. It's a scavenger hunt for him to get the money.
Then it gives him an adventure, you know? Well, the money part because these clubs now pay you cash. Yeah.
Right? So I would just do a bunch of improv spots. Right.
Get the cash. Right.
That's how I get the cash, right? Right. There you go.
So then I have cash in my pocket. Untraceable.
I'll save about 10 grand worth of. You think someone's going to kill someone for 10 grand? Downpayment.
You always say put a downpayment down. Oh, yeah.
Right. Until the task is done.
What does it cost to kill someone? You go 10 grand at first.

Yeah.

Okay, 20 grand.

20 grand to kill someone?

Yeah.

No chance.

It's got to be way more than that.

Someone's not going to kill someone

for 10 grand.

You can hire a hitman

on the dark web.

Or you could get a ghost gun.

That's what I was going to tell Bobby to do

is he should kill her himself.

What's a ghost gun?

A 3D printed gun.

Wow.

Oh, and you can destroy it

when you're done? That's what Luigi used. Did he really? Mm-hmm.
That's? A 3D printed gun. Wow.
Oh, and you can destroy it when you're done?

That's what Luigi used.

Did he really?

Mm-hmm.

That's why it was so weird looking.

Wow.

Wow.

So he printed his own gun?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's cool.

That's kind of weird.

He printed his own gun, but didn't cover up any other parts of his tracks.

Like, he literally was like, huh?

He didn't have gloves on.

He didn't check to see if he was dead.

Yeah, so it's like he left all the other evidence.

He, like, went out of his way to get a 3D gun.

But he also got a silencer, and apparently that was the wrong move why oh you don't know why why oh you don't oh you don't know you don't know okay so what professional would say right is you make it loud because so that people can hear it and they don't run toward gun violence they run away from it and they duck and they hide ah right so if he would what that's good yeah so you use a regular right that way right there's no one around interesting right but he and and the cop that i heard on the news yeah news news they said they said that he played. The kids today, they play so many video games, they think that's how you do it.
They put a silencer and all that stuff. It's not just subsonic bullets right in the ear.
You're good to go. See.
The way you said that was creepy. I know he's planned it.
Yeah, yeah. You've had revenge fantasy.
He's had revenge fantasy. Yeah, yeah.
Subsonic what in the ear? Subsonic bullets. They don't go over the speed of sound so then they don't make that big old pop oh that's awesome that's awesome that's a real thing that's good to know that's good to know subsonic bullets so when you bang it right it doesn't have a bang well it has a bang but it's a lot more quiet um whoa how do you know this jordan how do you know dude? You know, when a raccoon was getting our chickens.

Yeah, a raccoon.

You're using a fucking subsonic bullet for a raccoon.

Subsonic bullet to get the raccoon

because it was eating our chickens,

and that's kind of highly illegal in the LA city limits.

To shoot a gun at a raccoon?

Yeah, it's 100% illegal.

But it was so quiet, nobody saw it, heard.

Wow.

How do you write things on the bullet? The pen. Very small pen.
He didn't engrave it? No, it was Sharpie. Magianu? It was Sharpie.
What did it say on the shell? Deny, depose, delay. And people are getting tattoos of it.
It's funny. Deny, depose, delay.
They're getting the tattoos of that on the back. Dude, that's so dark.
Who would you run up to and kiss on the face? What famous, what CEO would you run up to and kiss on the face? Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's it.
Governor of Texas. You go kiss him on the fucking face, huh? You kiss, yeah.
He's kissable. He's on the wheelchair.
So kissable. He's so kissable.
Some of these guys are so kissable, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's a kiss, wheelchair. I would kiss him 15 times in the head.
Wouldn't you? I would kiss him so many times. Yeah.
Back of the head. Back of the head 15 times.
Right. And the one in the dick.
Yeah. That one's the sweetest one.
Yeah. Wow.
Deny, depose, delay. There's a couple of comics I want to kiss.
Who do you want to kiss? You know what I mean? There's always a couple of comics. There's so many comics I want to kiss.
Who do you want to kiss? Annie. I don't want to name Annie.
No, I don't want to kiss her.

I do.

You really do?

Yeah, I would kiss her.

Yeah.

In the vagina.

What she did to me the other night was...

What did she do?

She started a war with me.

Of course.

You don't know what she did?

No.

Oh!

Stole your example?

No, you told me.

I told you.

That was pretty flagrant.

It's flagrant, right?

That's a little crazy.

So I'm going to tell you what she did, all right?

Thank you. That was pretty flagrant.
It's flagrant, right? That's a little crazy. So I'm going to tell you what she did, all right? So the main room was packed.
I'm bringing Annie up, right? And I have a good set. So I say goodnight.
I give her a great intro. Yeah.
And also I'm on a date. So you have a female friend there.
So I have a friend in the audience that's watching the show.

She had never seen me perform before.

And you killed.

I did good, right?

So then I bring Annie and as I'm walking

toward the back of the thing,

Annie's coming out

through those curtains

and she has water.

She does a pratfall

and throws it on my body.

Now I'm drenched wet.

And here's...

On purpose?

On purpose. She says it wasn't on purpose.
It It was on purpose I later found out it was on purpose And here's the What's the biggest sin there? Throwing water on you No Hacky joke No laugh Nobody laughed So the room was quiet The room was quiet And they're like Oh shit You know what I mean? so now i'm drenched it's silence in the room what did you say my fucking date is blushing right and i go what the fuck she's like oh i'm so sorry because you see i saw how upset it was and then as i went backstage i went what the fuck you know i went crazy dude while she was on stage but what do you think of that is that war it? It seems like a... That seems like a war to me, dude.
It's an attack. Yeah.
That's an attack. But by the way, to be fair, you still got laid.
But it didn't ruin your night. But it is a little...
That's a little war. That's a little baby...
She's throwing up a flare. She does things like that.
She'll also do stuff like kick you in the stomach. Like, she does weird shit.
She kicks you in the Well, she'll do some karate. It's always like some karate thing.
Oh, yeah. She'll go, oh, hi, yeah, ka, ka, ka.
And then she'll kick you. You know what I mean? You're like, what the fuck are you doing, dude? Annie, what are you doing? Yeah, what is she trying to start a war for you for? What is that? I don't know, dude.
I thought you guys were always all right. She also told me, she's like, well, that usually works.
With you? No, my pratfall with the water

It didn't work that time

Yeah, because I killed

Yeah, you did too good

Also, nobody wants to be wet

Yeah, you're drenched

I don't want to be wet

What would you have done if she did that?

She would never do that to you

She maybe would

I would go grab water or drink off someone's table

And throw it right on her in front of everybody

That would get the laugh

Thank you. But if she did.
She maybe would. But if she did, what would you do? I would go grab water or drink off someone's table and throw it right on her in front of everybody.
That would get the laugh. If she threw it to me, then I would be like, what the fuck are you doing? Laugh it off a little bit.
I think it would be uncomfortable in the room. I'd grab a drink off somebody's thing and throw it on her.
Yeah. And then.
I'd start a food fight. And I forgot who it was, but after Annie, the comic after was mad.

Why, do you think?

There's water all over the fucking stage?

So they had to pause,

and some fucking doorman had to go up there

and wash to fucking clean the stage.

So bad.

So you have now this lull.

So Jesus Trejo's got to go up and wait for you to...

Yeah, yeah.

It was terrible.

Got to wait for someone to clean up the water in front of him?

Yeah.

So what's your... Are you going to respond to this To this war now Are you starting A little war back Yeah Seems like you might You know me Seems like you might There's a couple of things She's done over the years That have been like Oh man that's a war But I'm gonna back off But the water on you But the water was almost Like the last thing maybe Wow Yeah But I don do you think? What would you have done, Carlos? Oh, I would have lost my temper I've lost my temper at Annie a lot Yeah, yeah You guys have beef or something? No, we just always played around like that Like I walked off her show once Did she apologize for the water? No, it was an accident I slipped So that was her way of not you don't believe it but later she's like she said she didn't say she still maintains it was slip but then she told me i've done it before like throwing water right so in my mind i'm like that's not a slip yeah that's not a fucking slip bitch you know i mean let's see how that plays out yeah anyway what's any new year's resolution for you yeah i've got resolutions go ahead i'm leaving the state of california as a permanent resident i uh i can't do it anymore is that true i paid too much in taxes i gotta get out of here i'm done i can't support this place i gotta go so we're gonna go we're moving the show where you're going we going? We are moving the show.
Where are we going? To Nevada. Pahrump, Nevada.
Oh, I love that place. We'll go.
We're moving to Pahrump. We'll go.
Gotta go, dude. Yeah.
We got to set up a studio in Pahrump. So we're going to be setting up a studio in Pahrump, Nevada.
We got to move there. State income tax, we'll save on that.
We'll still pay our Fed, but no more California. Do you think we would thrive in Nevada?

Yeah.

Like by Vegas?

100%. You think so?

What the fuck?

We would do great.

We could move to Vegas and have the most fun.

Do shows all the time.

Not Pahrump.

No.

He was kidding.

We're not kidding.

Pahrump's a no man left.

We'll move to Vegas where we'll open up a club called The Brothership.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Only for black people.

Yeah, The Brothership. Only for black people.
Have to be black to get in uh welcome to the brothership y'all wow and we only play george clinton in the hallway i think if we did move to vegas if we did move to vegas what i would open up like a 150 seat comedy club see i think a hundred seater would be great that'd be great just a hundred seats aseat little place. We should do that.
Should we do a Bad Friends Club in Vegas? The problem is there's too many clubs in Vegas. There's Jimmy Kimmel's room.
There's the cellar has a room. But they're not showcase clubs.
They're headliner clubs. They're headliner.
No, no. The cellar is a split showcase.
It's a headliner room. But they book it in way in advance.
What I'm saying is that I want to do like- For locals. For locals and anyone that's in town that wants to work out.
A showcase place. Yeah.
Maybe we should do that. There's a laugh factory, a comedy cellar.
It's called LA Comedy Club. There's Las Vegas Live, Brad Garrett's room, Jimmy Kimmel's, Wise Guys.
God, there's so many. There's so so many caratop has a club out there but you can't just call it doesn't have a club no he's got the room with the luxor yeah uh yeah but could you i mean i mean if we i've never been to vegas where i'm like i'm gonna call in this way i don't know where to go do you see that'd be fun to make a fucking but is there enough local comics in vegas that oh yeah no that you know you could create a system, but there's also a lot of – I know probably 40 comics that just live there.
Okay. So you can go, hey, guys, there's no showcase club, so just call in if you're in town.
It'll just work out. All right.
Well, we'll start the brothership down there in Las Vegas. Happy New Year, everybody.
And our premiere show, our premiere show there will...

Be me, me, you, Nate Bargatze,

Bert Christ, we'll call in all our favors.

We'll have to have a weekly show there

hosted by someone.

It'll be called Murder Anthony.

That's good.

Anyway, very good.

Very good.

Good night.

Thank you for being...

Let's just end on that note.

Let's end on that note.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being, let's just end on that note.
Let's end on that note. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend.