One Good Korean

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. It's a new year, by the way.
It is a new year. And it's a new year.

Speaker 1 Any resolutions that you got coming up? Oh, my God. You have no idea what you're saying right now, dude.
You have no idea. I have so much resolution.

Speaker 1 Can we say Resolution City? You're in Resolution City? Yeah, that's where I. I'm in Resolution City right now.
Let's break it down. So So I'm going to work on some other addictions.

Speaker 1 What are they?

Speaker 1 Are you my therapist? Or a cop? Both. Okay.

Speaker 1 So, Officer,

Speaker 1 I have

Speaker 1 I do some strange things that this is not funny. It's just real.
No, real is good. So there's this Netflix.
You know how sometimes you go to Netflix and there's mobile games you can download.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 You're thinking, who's this for?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I download all of them.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 But there's this one game that I play, and

Speaker 1 there's like 10,000 levels, but I only play one level

Speaker 1 a thousand times. What? Why? Eight hours at a time.

Speaker 1 Just sitting there on my kitchen counter. And the level is like two minutes.
And it's the same basic level. It's like a, it feels like a candy crusher game.

Speaker 1 It's one of those like puzzley games where, you know what I mean, you line things up. Wait, I saw you play this.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I only play one level and I was telling my therapist the other day and she goes, stop. Why? Because it's, I'm running away.
I'm not, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I'm being obsessive about something and I do it because I don't want to feel.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? It's like, there's, I do a lot of things where it's like, I don't want to feel. So I just, I'll watch the same YouTube video over and over again.
And it becomes,

Speaker 1 it's not, it's not healthy. Well, I'll tell you, I had to, I got a good feel.
I got a good cry this morning. Big time.
Whenever I want a real real good cry,

Speaker 1 I watch that Ian Wright video with

Speaker 1 the teacher. With Mr.
Pigden. Yeah.
I thought you was dead. Yeah, yeah.
What a great video. I'm very much alive, Ian.
Yeah. And he goes, someone told me you was dead.
Yeah, that's a great fucking cry.

Speaker 1 I cry every time.

Speaker 1 If I need a good cry, watch Ian Wright reunited with

Speaker 1 his primary school teacher, Mr. Pigden.
And why do I love that you not love that? Well, he's the most prolific goal scorer in Arsenal's history. Thank you.

Speaker 1 And he said in the, you know what he said in it that was so powerful, that really moved me in a way. Two things.
He goes, he was crying and Ian said, Mr. Pigden said

Speaker 1 it meant more to him that Ian Wright played for the country of England than when he flew over Buckingham Palace. That was more

Speaker 1 important to him that someone he coached. Wow.
played for England. Wow.
And then he said he turned to hug him

Speaker 1 and he was like two steps down. They're in the stadium.
They're up on the stairs. And when he hugged him, he was below Mr.
Pigden. You know, like he was hugging his waist almost.
I saw that's out.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And he goes, and I felt like I was seven years old again.
I was a young child being embraced by someone, a father figure. Dude, I was,

Speaker 1 it gets me. Wow.
Every time. Every time.
But when whites.

Speaker 1 Oh, what about the whites?

Speaker 1 What about the whites? What do you mean? What about the whites? There's so many good things to say about the whites. Not lately, dude.
I know. Lately, as of not knowing.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 But, you know, what I'm saying is over the history, you guys get a bad rap. We do get a bad rap.
Yeah, yeah. And what I'm going to say is, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You guys done extraordinary humanitarian

Speaker 1 deeds. Some of us.
Some of you. Schindler.
We've talked about that before. What a list.
That's it. Schindler and Ian Wright's coach.

Speaker 1 Mr. Pigman.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mr.
Pigman. Yeah, yeah.
No. But what I'm saying is, is when it's human, all humans have someone.
I'm sure there's a Korean out there like that.

Speaker 1 Gotta be somewhere. What do you think? I don't know where they are.
Like a one good Korean that like helped out. That's a great movie.
One Good Korean.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Speaking of which, did you see the guy that snuck into North Korea, took video of the traffic cop with his phone? Did you see this? No,

Speaker 1 they're going to get this guy. Yeah, yeah.
This is what I think about these guys. You're off your head.
They're going to get you, dude. They're going to come find you and kill you.

Speaker 1 Did he go back to South Korea? Then they can't find him. No, no, no.
He left North Korea and went somewhere else. Look at, I don't know where it is.
It was on TikTok this week. How do we take him out?

Speaker 1 How do we take him out? Kim Jong-il, un.

Speaker 1 Do you want to take him out? I do. See, here's my thing.
Because that whole, there's millions of people that live there and they're in poverty.

Speaker 1 And it's like, they still believe that we're getting ready for the war with the U.S.

Speaker 1 We don't think about you ever. You say that until they start some shit.
What if they start some shit?

Speaker 2 They can't.

Speaker 1 How? Says who?

Speaker 2 But with Russia, they could in China, but them alone, they're like...

Speaker 1 What did you just say? With Russia and China, they could. Oh, yeah.
So what are you talking about? Of course they can.

Speaker 2 If it's just them, it'd be like...

Speaker 1 No one. Yeah, but Russia and China can't.
No one acts alone other than Germany. And look how that turned out.
So now the Axis of Evil could reunite and start another war. And why wouldn't they?

Speaker 1 Honestly, why wouldn't they? The time is now. It'd be awesome.
They're ready. I'm ready to go, dude.
Let's go. Blow this whole thing up.
Let me ask you something. I want post-apocalyptic.

Speaker 1 if there's if there's a world war ii yeah and you and i were called in there's a draft and we go we need everybody everybody yeah even carlos even carlos and mccone yeah yeah but he is at hold duty those guys are inside yeah no i mean no he's glory hold duty glory hold duty yeah yeah just sucking off the soldiers before they no no no no i'm just saying that he you find like if we're in like you know

Speaker 1 oh i see yeah yeah yeah you know how we're fighting in hong kong right yeah and then the the sergeant goes find the glory holes. Yeah, he knows where they are.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's like where we don't put dicks in there, we put bombs in there. Oh, that's explosive.

Speaker 1 I was gonna say, like, Notre Dame football, they slap a sign that says play like a champion as they go out onto the field. They all smack it.

Speaker 1 It's funny if every soldier before they go to war, they just get the sticker cock in Carlos's mouth. He's just standing next to it.
He's like, go ahead, boy.

Speaker 1 Anyway, if you, would you, would you be in the same platoon as me? I don't think they would put us in the same platoon. Well, you think there's an Asian.
No, what are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Oh, just, no, no, no. Strength and skill.
Strength and skill. Strength and skill.

Speaker 1 No, dude. You piss me off today, dude.
Am I? I'm just

Speaker 1 going to call my agents. No, dude, you'd never get in this.
We never get in the same category. That's crazy.
No, platoons are all. They're like, this is the...
No, they have a mix. Have you seen?

Speaker 1 No, shut the fuck up. Have you ever seen Saving Private Ryan? There's a mixture of different people, you know what I mean? Of it.
There's the one guy that's scared. Like,

Speaker 1 you know, like the fucking, um, in Saving Private Ryan, the guy that plays the interpreter, even though I don't know Chinese. Yeah, you'd be the interpreter.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I'm just saying, there's got to be something that I can do. I'm the Dennis Hopper character, like the eccentric, you know what I mean? Yeah.
Hey, man, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 War is globalization, whatever. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I say things, you know what I mean? I don't know. What do you think? I know you'd be

Speaker 1 one of the crazy boys in the bunch. Yeah, but would you not push for that? I wouldn't want you.
There's no way that I could. I wouldn't want you in my platoon.

Speaker 1 But then the whole time I'm at war, I'm like, you know what I mean? What's Andrew doing? I have to write you letters. I'd be missing you.
That'd be so much fun. I'd see you from afar.

Speaker 1 Also, if we're in the same platoon, think about that. Then I'm going to see, we're going to see each other die.

Speaker 1 I'd rather sit in a tent at night hoping that you're well, writing you letters, like a long-lost love affair on the other side of the battle.

Speaker 1 And I want to find out that you die from someone that goes, Filder.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, dude. The dumpling was killed at 4.35.
I wouldn't call me the dumpling. Yes, they would.
They wouldn't call me the no. They all get nicknames in the army.
That's what you fucking get.

Speaker 1 Everybody gets a nickname. If somebody called me dumpling, I would pull them to say, can you change that? And they'd be like, you chopsticks you got a chopstick i want to be chopped yeah okay so um

Speaker 1 sound you're funny dude the chinese cho died at 4 44 a.m sir let me say something he was korean right

Speaker 1 what does it when when a soldier's at war and they get shot they know that they know they're gonna die yeah what is the one person they call out for god no no their mom

Speaker 1 mom mommy remember giovanna rubisi oh my god heartbreaking can you imagine you call your mom she's on an ipad she's like like, leave me alone. I ain't got an idea.

Speaker 1 Well, what I'm saying is, I would call out for you. Andrew.
You go, mom. Andrew?

Speaker 1 Andrew.

Speaker 1 And I'd come running. Morphine, Morphine.
Bob, Bob.

Speaker 1 I want you there. All right.
I'll be there with you. You know what? You know what? Fuck you.
I don't want to be in a platoon. I just said yes.

Speaker 1 Carlos, you want to be a same platoon? Hell yeah. No fucking way is he going to get in there, dude.
He's never going to pass any of the tests. Oh, yeah.
No, we're in a situation where...

Speaker 1 Whenever he's, dude, they're going to take his blood and be like, this kid. It's a long war.

Speaker 1 Where they went 18 to 35, right? Now they're at a, you know, okay, I'm going to give you a Lord of the Rings, a Lord of the Rings reference, right? Yeah. In the two towers, right?

Speaker 1 They gave old men and kids swords to fight, right? We're in dire straits. So we're in a position where we're all being called in.
Okay. If they ran out of 18 to 35s, they're done.

Speaker 1 Now they need 40 and ups. Yes.
That's what I'm saying. Get 40 and up.

Speaker 1 So at that point, right, I would write a letter to Congress and go, can I be in the same platoon as Carl? George Route.

Speaker 1 You want to be in it?

Speaker 3 Nah,

Speaker 3 I'm fine fighting for it.

Speaker 1 You know he's fleeing the country. Oh, he's a Canadian.

Speaker 1 Well, not where.

Speaker 1 No, he's one of those Canadians. Canadian.
Yeah, yeah. Or Mexico.
You know, you could see him in Mexico. And he's like, you know, wearing tie-dye.
Right. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Just with a bandana, you know what I mean, like this. And it's like, shut the fuck up, you coward.
Coward, dude. You coward.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. So So you call it crystals, and oh, my God, you imagine this guy.
Dude, in the 60s, dude, you were one of those guys. Patchouli boy.
Yeah, patchouli boys.

Speaker 3 No, my dad pulled the Adventist card

Speaker 3 to get out of Vietnam.

Speaker 1 Your dad did? Yeah.

Speaker 3 He said religious reasons, can't fight. So then

Speaker 3 he went and just got medical tested on for

Speaker 1 what was the white coats. What was the religion?

Speaker 3 Seventh-day Adventist. Adventist?

Speaker 1 Adventist. Adventist and Adventist.
Do you know these? No. Let me ask you something.
That thing that Trump, Trump, like, is there flat foot? Oh, Protestant Christian domination. Flat feet.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Flat feet. Well, but that's back in the day.
That was like back. So you know what I would to get out? Just give you Dr.
Schultz. I wouldn't get flat feet.

Speaker 1 I would claim flat face. Flat feet.

Speaker 1 Dude, I would claim flat face. Could I get out, you think? Your honor.
Dude, I got flat face, guys. My friend has flat face.

Speaker 1 All right. He's just not aerodynamic.
Yeah, I'd be not aerodynamic. The wind is just going to bounce right off of this guy.

Speaker 1 Although, I could like camouflage myself on a wall.

Speaker 1 Like Rambo. Yeah.
Dude, imagine me. You just blend it.

Speaker 1 Bricks on me. Right.

Speaker 1 And I could just stay there. I would stay there for two weeks like this.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't even, you know, with a knife, I wouldn't even do that. I would just stay there.
Just stay steady. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How would you camouflage?

Speaker 1 Impossible. In fire.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'd have to be a fireball. Yeah, yeah.
That is amazing. Yeah, yeah.
Rambo in all mud. Yeah,

Speaker 1 remember that? Yeah. That's what I would do, but I would do it with actual brick wall.
Smart. And they would not see me.
How could they? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I saw some of the things, something was showing out all like the tricks of the tunnels in Vietnam that the Vietnamese would dig, and they were super intricate. Dude.

Speaker 1 And how they would try to trick them to get them in or out. But what they would do is they'd try to like flood them out, a

Speaker 1 choo-chi tunnel. Yeah.
But look at the tunnel system that they had. And they would flood them out with water and bombs and all sorts of shit.

Speaker 1 But then the Vietnamese had counteractive shit for the weapons that the Americans would use.

Speaker 1 So the thing that they would have, they would like, if it was a rope or a pole, they would pull on the pole and it would get caught in a machine.

Speaker 1 So, then it would pull the soldier in with it while they were down there. And they would have rotating spikes and shit.

Speaker 1 Or

Speaker 1 they'd have to crawl in backwards or like upside down because it was headfirst. And they would fucking drown them upside down and backwards.
Imagine. I'd be so close.
I was claustrophobic. Oh, dude.

Speaker 1 Forget it. I had an MRI yesterday.
I was claustrophobic. I was fucking freaking out in the machine.
I hate the machine.

Speaker 1 And all you hear is like, well, I'd one, one, one, one, one, one. And Ho Chi Minh is the best trail maker.
Top trail. Don't you think? Look at that girl.
I'm on vacation. She's in vacation.

Speaker 1 You know what? It actually looks pretty solid, though. I mean, yeah, structurally it is.
Structurally, yeah, yeah. Then I would just be worried about fire or, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Something trapping you down there.

Speaker 1 Look at that thing. That's narrow that's so crazy.
They created an entire network. They could like hang out.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They could sleep for days and days in those things and just hide out. We've never had like a, like,

Speaker 1 aside from like the British back in the day, you know what I mean? Yeah. We've never had like a country attack us.
You know what I mean? I wonder what like a war. 9-11.
What do you mean?

Speaker 1 We had the fucking 9-11. Yeah, but not even in a traditional like war where we're, where there's like troops and, you know what I mean? Yeah, on our soil.
On our soil.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we haven't had war on our soil. I think we would

Speaker 1 destroy people, no?

Speaker 2 They wouldn't even get to our soil.

Speaker 1 I mean, even in LA, they're like, we've got MS-13, you know, we got people

Speaker 1 to use what we have. Don't you think we would? Yeah, go get the crips and stuff.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, bro, what the fuck, dude? You Palestinian. Whatever the, you know.
Fuck a Palestinian, bro. Hey, Palestinian, bro.
Yeah, yeah, bro.

Speaker 1 Or whoever am I.

Speaker 1 What kind of Chinese are you, bro?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm me. I'm from Ralph.
I'm from here. Okay, good.
Move over, man. Yeah, but who would they fight for? That's what's interesting.
Who? Who would these gangs fight for?

Speaker 1 Well, if you're fighting, if we were in a war with Mexico, but we don't get the MS-13. We're never going to be in a war with Mexico.
Yeah, yeah, we'll destroy.

Speaker 1 No, I mean, I think we would never be in a war with Mexico.

Speaker 1 Those are our dogs. But if you were in a war with Russia, I think that most most of the gangs in America would be on our side.
No, you say that. But like, think about it.

Speaker 1 Some of those gangs have drug ties, and those drug ties, they don't want the fucking federal government telling them what to do.

Speaker 1 You're right. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 They'd get in bed with like the cartel and whatever government agencies they have power over.

Speaker 1 What a weird in L.A., imagine if we were like Red Dawn and we were attacked by it. Oh my God, it'd be insane.
Where would they hit up first? I would be so scared. Would you be scared?

Speaker 1 Can you imagine if they're like, we're going to bomb L.A. and they bomb downtown and you're like, nobody's down there.

Speaker 1 They hit the wrong part of the city.

Speaker 1 They're like, and then

Speaker 1 we're going to bomb North Hollywood.

Speaker 1 No one's up there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, bumps could drop. You won't kill them.

Speaker 1 They're like zombies. No,

Speaker 1 they're undefeated.

Speaker 1 What does that say? Is that what Newsweek thinks they're going to ⁇ that's where the centrifuge of war would be?

Speaker 1 This is a nuclear bomb. Nuclear bombing.
Oh, my God. Forget it.

Speaker 2 That would happen, but it wouldn't even hit Santa Monica.

Speaker 1 Oh, Westside's safe. Westside, Best Side.
Yeah, but we're fucked. Where we live? No, dude.
We're just... Yeah, no.
Yeah, we're fucked. That's it.
We're in the fucking

Speaker 1 center of it. Oh, yeah, yeah.
What are you going to do? No, no. Don't you think that...
Because we're on the other side of the hill. You don't think the hill would protect us a little bit? Some of it.

Speaker 1 I think the hill would get some of the radiation, fog, and smoke, but I think we'd still. We'd get a bad leg.

Speaker 2 I'm in the yellow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're in the dark. Oh, you're done.
You're done. Yeah, yeah.
You're in Los Felos or Silver Lake? Los Felis.

Speaker 2 I think I'd become a shadow.

Speaker 1 Yes. Which is awesome.
You'd be a shadow of

Speaker 1 Carlo Shadow. Yeah, Carlo's shadow.
It's interesting. And his mouth is like this.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow. That would be.
I mean, that would be the way to, you know what I mean, destroy a bomb. But that's what it says.
Nuclear bomb shows the impact of new gravity weapon of the biggest U.S. cities.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.
That's scary. Let's hope that doesn't happen.
Let's hope it doesn't happen. Or I'm on the road.
Yeah, I want to be gone. Yeah.
I've always imagined that.

Speaker 1 Like, if I was on the road and i was in la is taken out like oh well no i got two more sets tonight so i gotta

Speaker 1 it would be terrible i mean imagine dude they wouldn't hit la first though you would no who would you worry about you're on the road yeah my well my wife and my dog that's number one

Speaker 1 this studio you guys okay yeah you you first okay well you'd be on the road too yeah i'd be on the road And then what would you do?

Speaker 1 Like if I was, you were in Cleveland and I was like in Denver or whatever, vice versa, whatever.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 and we would be mourning because, you know, I would lose lose so many people. You would lose.

Speaker 1 Right. And then our cell phones still worked.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 you think in a day we would call each other or a couple of days?

Speaker 1 I don't know. See, you know, and who knows if we could get a hold of anybody.

Speaker 1 You know how like they have like cell phones crash when all that stuff goes down? You know, like 9-11, no one could call anybody and the phones are down and all that.

Speaker 1 I'm just thinking hypothetically, if like the satellites aren't down and we could call, would you? I think

Speaker 1 within the first 12 hours, we would text each other 100 yeah

Speaker 1 right away where are you are you okay you good no i would text you are you gonna sell your house

Speaker 1 yeah yeah you gonna keep your house and then what we would we what would you do i mean honestly what would you do like

Speaker 1 like would the banks be working like could we get money out no no we're done once it starts it's over oh

Speaker 1 that's what i'm saying dude load up that that's crazy get golden guns at your house i would relapse immediately i'd be there with you we would meet yeah i would like try to get to wherever Denver.

Speaker 1 Let's go in Denver. Let's meet somewhere in the middle.
Yeah. Let's do heroin in Missouri.
Yeah. And then we'd just be heroin guys.
Fine, whatever. Who cares? I know.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 If that's the end, that's the end. Yeah.
I want to go out like a foe. Dude, I had to do my will today.
This morning. I had to do like my will.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And you have to decide, like, he literally was like,

Speaker 1 step by step. He's like, if you're, if you are in a tragic accident and your brain is incapacitated, right? Like your brain dead, essentially.
How long do you want to be alive?

Speaker 1 Ooh, how long did you say? I had to do it today. How long do you think? I said.

Speaker 1 Your brain. I'm brain dead,

Speaker 1 but

Speaker 1 I'm in a vegetative state. But there's hope that I might come back.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? But they ask you how long. A month.
Interesting. What do you guys think?

Speaker 2 Zero minutes.

Speaker 1 Share him. What about you?

Speaker 3 One week.

Speaker 1 One week. George is actually right.
You know why I did a week so family could come say goodbye to you.

Speaker 1 But you said that there could be a possibility that you can be alive. There is a possibility.
Why wouldn't you give them more than a week then? Just one week.

Speaker 1 I said one week they can come say goodbye because I don't want to put the burden of me being in a vegetative state on other people. I want to put the burden.
I know you do. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm burdened guy. You're 10 years.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a 10-year guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're 10 years.
Yeah. I want everyone to come.
I know.

Speaker 1 I said one week for the family to come say goodbye, and then after that, it says drug, drug-induced disorder. There's a lot of money, though, that's wasted.
That's what I mean. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't want my family to have my money. So just put the money.

Speaker 1 Well, that was the next question. After all that stuff was like, who gets your funds and all this bullshit? So what'd you do? Well, do I get any? In the event.

Speaker 1 in the event that in the i don't like that smile do i get any well first of all my wife gets all of it and then in the all yeah in the event that she's not around she won't be trust me okay

Speaker 1 in the event that he's out let's say both of us died tragically together yeah uh it gets it goes to my parents and let's say if my parents aren't alive

Speaker 1 then it goes to my sister and if my sister's not alive it goes to my dog and if my dog no my dog's okay if and if you you haven't eaten my dog by this point, no,

Speaker 1 it's no, no, no, it goes to then, my sister, and then after that, it goes to uh

Speaker 1 uh three or four different charities, one of which being children's hospital.

Speaker 1 They don't need the money, yes, they do. Okay, my bad age.
Kids having cancer is the worst thing in the fucking, there is literally no greater crime the universe commits than giving children cancer.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't need my money,

Speaker 1 You would never give me any of your money when you're dead.

Speaker 1 You're in my fucking will. You don't get a lot, but you're in it.
Well, then I'll change it. Am I really? Yeah.
How much do I get? Everyone's in it. Well, tell me how much I get.
Like 20 grand.

Speaker 1 Fuck you.

Speaker 1 20 fucking grand for all I've done for you? You know what's money? I have 100 grand in the bank. Well, then give me the hundred.
No. My mom, my brother, we have the same thing.

Speaker 1 But I give everyone something. I think your mom gets all of it.
And if she's not around, Steve gets all of it. No, that's all.

Speaker 1 I have everyone gets something. Abby gets something.
Everyone gets something. Abby gets something.
My manager, yeah, yeah. Why?

Speaker 1 What do I care? I'm going to be dead. That's my point.

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Thousands. Thousands of thousands.

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Speaker 1 that's my point though that's why i'm gonna give it to a charity because what do i fucking i care no give charity okay we should give it away well can i have something of yours you actually do what i can't tell you i think you're lying dude now you do get something

Speaker 1 now we get to the the topic of death and i'm it's not death no no no it's just a beautiful way of you have to frame your life while you're here and they tell you you're not young anymore you got to fucking set up a thing in case you go away so in case this World War III happens in 2025, that we're in.

Speaker 1 But when you see like a celebrity die at 53, because I'm 53, right? You go, because I feel so young still. And you just kind of go, oh, shit, it can happen at any time.

Speaker 1 Ricky Henderson died, the baseball player. I know this episode will be out significantly after, but

Speaker 1 how old was he? Young dude. I think he was 63, which fucking, that fucked me up.
I think he died.

Speaker 1 He died of 65. Yeah.
And he died of pneumonia. What? Which never fucking happened.
Maybe he had pre-existing conditions, something else.

Speaker 1 So, Bobby, this guy, the way you love, the way you love

Speaker 1 football players, soccer players, this guy was the man.

Speaker 1 He was the shit. Well, I mean, he didn't play for anything that I love.
He was just back in when I was a kid, he was, he was incredible. Ricky Anderson was the fucking man.
So fast. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like a supreme athlete. Literally never heard of him.
Look at the size of his fucking legs.

Speaker 1 Those are that's big. I'm not joking.
That's bigger than your body. That's bigger than your stomach.
I'm not kidding. But 65 is so young.
That's what scares me. Yeah, he he is pretty young.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's so young. You're 50.
Well, how old was Bob, Sagett? Well, Bob was a tragic accident. How old was he? I think he was in his mid-50s or late 50s.
50.

Speaker 1 60s.

Speaker 1 He was 60? 65. Whoa.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That fucked me up. Well, that was a horrible accident that should have never happened.
Yeah, that's right. So he would have lived significantly longer.
He wasn't sick or anything.

Speaker 1 That was just a bad accident. What a good guy.
Anyway.

Speaker 1 No more death.

Speaker 1 Let's not talk about death anymore. Let's talk about life.
Let's talk about the birth of life. Let's talk talk about a birth of life.

Speaker 1 The ancient big head people, scientists uncover a lost human in Asia with an abnormally large skull that lived alongside Homo sapiens 100,000 people. They're called Asians.
What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Big head people. That's what they did.

Speaker 1 That's just what they called them. Just call them Asians, dude.

Speaker 1 Is that what they just called them? Big head people? Yeah, yeah. Look at how.
Okay, well, how big is it? From that photo, I can't tell.

Speaker 2 This is what they like a mock-up of them.

Speaker 1 He looks... What the fuck? That looks like what's his name? who works at the store yeah yeah

Speaker 3 but is that why koreans have such big heads because they intermingled a little bit yeah that's right yeah

Speaker 1 there's a um i don't know what the people are called in in korea or in japan but there was a there's a type of people that were they didn't look asian but they're mixed with asians and that's why japanese people look the way they do it's nicotine okay i'm not vaping weed at work i don't know dude we don't know anymore we don't know anymore we don't and we know no we know we know how about that how about we know No, we know.

Speaker 1 Bro, I'm not smoking weed at work.

Speaker 2 Whenever you've seen me vape.

Speaker 1 You're smoking weed outside of work, though.

Speaker 2 I'm not vaping weed or anything like that.

Speaker 2 I'm not, dude.

Speaker 1 What's the truth? The truth is that. But did you take something last week?

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Oh,

Speaker 1 here at work?

Speaker 2 Dude, I never come to work high.

Speaker 1 Okay. But you do it off of work.

Speaker 1 I have

Speaker 1 a little bit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I'm not like. Because when I saw you in that alleyway.
when I saw you in the alleyway, you did look stoned. You looked stoned, dude.
When? When I caught you in the alleyway.

Speaker 1 Dude, that was a whole. Were you not high?

Speaker 2 I was not high that night. Nothing.
I was embarrassed because I was with a girl.

Speaker 1 No, dude, there's something going on. What do you mean you were embarrassed? You were with a girl.
That's. No, because there was a girl and a guy.
Oh, right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And then they were doing some sort of trick, like some sexual three-way.
Did you have a threesome?

Speaker 2 No, I didn't, but I was embarrassed. Bobby caught me like striking out with a girl.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, that's kind of funny. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But, but I didn't bring, like, you've never seen me vape weed in Australia here ever.

Speaker 1 Never.

Speaker 1 Did you hook up with the guy and not the girl?

Speaker 2 No, but he was like more interested in like talking to me.

Speaker 1 It was weird. What is with you? He DM me later.
Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I watched this reality show this weekend and I only related to the gay men on it.

Speaker 1 Okay. Anyway.

Speaker 1 What's going on? What's it called?

Speaker 2 Mexican Dynasties. I loved it.

Speaker 1 Have I seen this? Have we seen this? Mexican Dynasties?

Speaker 2 Mexican reality show. It's so good about rich people in Mexico City.

Speaker 1 Oh. Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Now I have to watch that. Yeah.
Because rich Mexicans are my favorite. They're my favorite.
Yeah. Yeah.
Great restaurants in Mexico City, I hear.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 1 is that the people? Juman, right? What are they called? Juman.

Speaker 1 Joman, Jomon. Joman, Joman people.
Juman people. So they, at one point, they look like a Spanish midfield soccer player.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 And then they mixed it with, you know what I mean, a regular age. Right.
Right. And then the Japanese occurred.
But at one point, they look like that.

Speaker 1 See, it's interesting when people, it is funny when the more mixing there is as time has gone on. Yeah.
Like Tiger Woods. Look at his kids.
He just plays playing in this thing with his son. Obviously.

Speaker 1 Let me see what Tiger Woods looks like. But he's got a daughter and a son.
But it's like you couldn't tell what that kid is. You'd have no idea what that kid is.
Oh, that kid, Islander.

Speaker 1 They always look Hawaiian. Pacific Islander.
At the end of the day, when you mix enough, they're Hawaiian. Yeah.
Yeah. What are you? Hawaiian.
You know who's cute?

Speaker 1 Jordan Peale and Chelsea Paretti's kid. There's no photo.
I did see a photo. I mean, it was through a text or something.
He was like really cute, like handsome almost. That's a big thing.

Speaker 1 People now, celebrities, they put their kids up on the internet, but they cover their face with like a smiley face or like an ice cream cone.

Speaker 1 It's weird. Why then, then why even have the photo itself?

Speaker 1 Do you know what I mean? Like, why put up the pic? If you don't want to have your family on there, don't put them on there. But then why put them on there and then cover up their face?

Speaker 1 That seems so strange. It's like, just do it or don't do it.

Speaker 1 Do you like? I miss Jordan. Do you ever miss people? Yeah, I mean, I don't know him.
I don't miss him because I don't know him. I miss.
I used to hung out with him every day for so long.

Speaker 1 And then I just kind of miss him. Well, I stayed on the phone last night with Jay Larson for like an hour.
Dude, because the story. I love that guy so much.
He's the best, dude. And he's a great guy.

Speaker 1 He's so funny. And dude, we called each other because it was like the old days.
The hallway was like. Dude, I saw you.
That was good. It just felt like the old days.
It felt like the old days.

Speaker 1 The old days. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And so Jay called me and he, and I, or I called jay and we both said the same thing i was like dude that felt like it used to feel when it was like i don't know when the store had people coming and going more and everyone was finally in town that was fun yeah it was great that's a fun yeah but i miss there are some guys that i miss now i want to can you be completely honest with me because um you did great last i wasn't gonna say anything oh boy but um

Speaker 1 I'll just get it out of the way.

Speaker 1 When I walked into the improv and I saw you in the dark,

Speaker 1 I got the vibe of you going, get away from me. Was that true? No, you know better.
No, no, I'm being real. When have I ever done that? You were sitting there on your phone.
You look up at me.

Speaker 1 I look at you. And then you went back into your phone and I just left the room.
No. That's what happened.
No, I know, but I did because it was quiet in the room.

Speaker 1 But if when I see you at the store, we always say hi. What do you mean? Okay.
No, I'll tell you what it really was.

Speaker 1 You're back. Yeah, I was in the middle of a little pain, little pain moment.
And I was sitting there in pain until the drugs kicked in. That was a good fun improv spot.
It was great.

Speaker 1 I thought they were good. Yeah, they were very good.

Speaker 1 They were very good, except

Speaker 1 that girl who left in your set also left in my set.

Speaker 1 I hate that. What do you do?

Speaker 1 In the middle of a setup,

Speaker 1 you don't stand up in the front row

Speaker 1 and leave. I have to say something.
Where are you going? Where the fuck are you going right now? Right now? Yeah. Right now.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 There's an obvious piss break, which is when the host goes up and brings people on. That's your way out.
In between comics. Yeah, yeah.
Or

Speaker 1 sit it out and in the middle of the set. It's a joke, joke, joke.
And then when there's a little break between jokes, then get up and get out as fast as you can.

Speaker 1 But not when you're like in the middle of a setup. It's like right when you're starting to tell a joke and someone's like,

Speaker 1 and they get, and you're like, I wouldn't need to do it. Yeah.
Because then everybody goes, what's that guy doing? Is he going to,

Speaker 1 where's he headed to? In the main room, something happened where I told one joke that I knew that some people aren't going to like.

Speaker 1 And then I looked to my left and these two girls were so tuned out at me. I stopped the show, and I look at them and go, ah, you guys are tuned out.
And one girl did this. And this isn't even funny.

Speaker 1 I don't know what she was doing. She just goes like this.
She goes,

Speaker 1 oh, she showed your feet. And put her feet in my face.
Right. With two feet coming up.
I go, what the fuck is that? And I just walked to the other side of the stage. I go, that's fucking weird.

Speaker 1 I've never seen that before in my life. What the fuck are you doing? It was almost like, Fuck you.
Yeah, double fuck. Double fuck with my feet.
Yeah. Yeah, fuck you.

Speaker 1 I'm going to ask you another thing is have you ever had this happen

Speaker 1 you're at a club comedy club yeah there's a woman there yeah very attractive sure but there's crazy in their eyes oh yeah my daughter and so then you have to and she was like she you know and i can tell that when she gave me a hug it was like her chest into me and that she wouldn't let go oh wow right she was gonna kill you right and i and i and she goes

Speaker 1 She looks at me like, what are we doing? And I go, I know, I'm seeing somebody. Oh, she was looking at.
Yeah, because

Speaker 1 Carlos, have you ever met anybody that you're like, I think it's crazy and I can't do it? Or do you do it?

Speaker 1 He goes for it. 60-40.

Speaker 2 Like, when I was younger, I would do it more. Now I try not to, but also fail.

Speaker 1 So I usually. I think it's 100% fail for you.
Yeah, I usually do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't do 60-40. Don't do 60-40.
I know. I try to do it.
How about you? When I see people

Speaker 1 crazy eyes. Yeah, crazy eyes.
Immediately I run for the fucking hills. She was hot, but crazy eyes.
Yeah, Yeah, the hot ones do have crazy eyes. Yeah, yeah.
But if she's hot, I know, but it's like,

Speaker 1 I understand that.

Speaker 1 It was a dilemma. You did the right thing.
I think so. Because you don't want crazy eyes in the morning.
She's like, I moved in. I know.
Yeah, that's what I mean. That's my U-Haul.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I figured that's okay. Yeah, yeah.
Or when they say crazy things like, I make fresh pasta from scratch. Oh, no.
See, I'm intrigued. You are? Yeah.
No. No, a fresh pasta.
I'm into a fresh pasta.

Speaker 1 You're third line in? I make

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I'm Candace. Right.
Hey, Candace. I live in L.A.
Oh. I make fresh pasta.
You do? From scratch. That's crazy.
I would love fresh pasta. Oh, third end.
You're fine. Fresh pasta?

Speaker 1 She didn't say I like hand pluck goose feathers. She's not like I fucking kill geese in my backyard.
It's some arbitrary information that shouldn't be in the third thing.

Speaker 1 As long as the arbitrary information is something cool. Like I make something neat.
I do an artistic thing that's cool.

Speaker 1 But if she said that. Okay, Okay, I'm gonna say something.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Hi. Hi.
How are you? My name is Lisbon. Hey, Lisbon.
I live in Burbank. Oh, great.
Yeah, I know Burbank. Yeah.
And you know the end of lamp fixtures? I suck on those. You do?

Speaker 1 Crazy?

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 1 I have so many lamps. You like the house? You like this is filled with lamps.
So that's not nuts to you. Not at all.
Okay. Hi.
Hey, hi. Yeah.
Hey, Bobby, I'm such a big fan. What's your name?

Speaker 1 Chandela.

Speaker 1 Chandela? Chandela?

Speaker 1 Like Chandelier and Andrea? Chandela? Okay, hi, Chandela. That's my mom was a Chandelier salesperson.

Speaker 1 Okay. My dad's name is Andrea.
Okay. What's the arbitrary thing? My name is Chandela.
Yes.

Speaker 1 I live on the West Side. Okay.
I live by Santa Monica. It's...
Yeah, I know what the West Side is. I know what the West Side is.
If we have a nuclear bomb, it won't get us.

Speaker 1 Google. Do you know that? Yeah, I do.
Anyway. I floss my teeth with my own hair.

Speaker 1 I just want to let you know.

Speaker 1 Hey, yeah, yeah. What do you say? That's fine.
That wouldn't turn you off. I don't think that would turn me off.
She takes her hair, flosses her teeth, puts it back.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 like when women do that. That wouldn't turn you off.
That turns you off? If she used her hair to floss her hair. That turns you off.

Speaker 1 Me too, then. Way more than

Speaker 1 sucking on a lamp, fucking thing. Yeah, yeah.
No, I think that's pretty normal. If you floss with your hair and then put your hair back like it never happened, this is every every day.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What about this? When a pee, I had a girl,

Speaker 1 we were taking a shower together and she peed in the shower. Love.
I love that. Beyond me.
Yeah. But you know what? And I'm fine with that.
Oh, but when I poo in the bathtub,

Speaker 1 it's

Speaker 1 Armageddon. It is.
It should be. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like, whoa, you could do that and I can't shit when I'm taking a bath. Two different things.
They are? Yeah, completely. Okay, I don't know.

Speaker 1 You know that. Yeah.
But hi.

Speaker 1 What? Hi. I'm cassette.

Speaker 1 Like

Speaker 1 a tape cassette? I don't know what that is. I'm 25.

Speaker 1 Oh, hey, Cassette. Hi.
I'm such a big fan of bad friends. Oh, thank you, Cassette.
I love you. Anyway, I got another set to do.
I live in Venice. Do you want to come over to my house?

Speaker 1 What street? Lincoln? Wayward. Oh, I know Wayward.
Yeah, yeah. Very specific.

Speaker 1 I collect dead pigeons. I embalm them and my house is filled with them.
You're a taxidermy?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 What do you call it? I call it just pigeon girl. I'm pigeon girl.
Oh yeah. I'm out.
Really? I'm fucking out. I have huge tits.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 What else? And I love Korean men.

Speaker 1 That's a win. Well, third thing, and then I'm in.
Give me one good one.

Speaker 1 I make homemade pasta. I'm out.

Speaker 1 I'm out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, I want to say, if she looked like Margo Robbie. Hot.
Right? So hot. Hot, so hot, right? She's so beautiful.
And she had crazy eyes. Yeah.
Right?

Speaker 1 The floss would be fine. I think the pasta would be fine.
Pasta's obviously fine. Yeah, it's fine.
Dead pigeons all over the house. Taxidermy pigeons.
I think dead pigeons would be fine, too.

Speaker 1 If it's Margo Robbie. Margo Robbie.
What about you? If you were not with your wife. I would have to get in and get out.
I'd be like, look, let's hang out once.

Speaker 1 But if you start with pigeons, where else does it go? But you have to wear a condom. With the pigeon lady? Yeah.
No. Nah.

Speaker 1 I mean, this is what happens. Because you know what Trisha Payta said? You knock up a pigeon lady.

Speaker 1 No, but you know how there are women at Hollywood clubs that seek celebrities to get impregnated by them? Oh, yeah. There's a lot of those.
I know. You got to be careful.

Speaker 1 You're out there fucking hanging out, having fun, being single. And it's like, you never know.
Some girl could be Miss Lee. I know, but what I do is I do

Speaker 1 edging. And I edge and I don't come.
Do you do that? I have. Yeah, but you know, edging still leaks a little bit.

Speaker 1 Your pipes aren't closed anymore. Why does it leak? Because we're getting older.
You're going to leave. Yeah, yeah.
Like after you go to the bathroom, after you take a piss,

Speaker 1 you piss your pants a little bit afterwards.

Speaker 1 I do. I know.
How do you know? We all do. Okay, good.
But as you get older, it gets worse. My dad sometimes will piss his actual penis.
Yeah, it does. He'll just piss his pants.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He'll be like, oh, god damn it. Would you know a spot like this bitch? You know how.

Speaker 1 Do you ever ever have you ever caught me smelling my penis?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 You never caught me doing that? Have you caught me doing that? Smelling it? You've caught me, George, right? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What I'll do is, and it's quick. I'll just go.

Speaker 1 Oh, I've seen you do that. You've seen me do that, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's because of the leaking. Oh, you want to make sure you're not leaking too much.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You leak, don't you, Carlos?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 those pipes leak. No.
George leaks for sure. So

Speaker 1 when my brother was

Speaker 1 12 years old, he had a neighborhood kid, this Jewish kid that came over. And my brother had a Casio keyboard that my parents had bought him for his birthday.

Speaker 1 And when my dad took naps, right,

Speaker 1 if you made, if a feather fell on the ground,

Speaker 1 forget it. It's the incredible, the yellow incredible haul.
It's like,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 So my brother was playing keyboards, right? My dad took naps naked. Why? So this is broad daylight on a Saturday, right? My dad walks into my brother's room completely naked, right? My dad,

Speaker 1 he takes the keyboard and smashes it on my brother's back. Keys are flying out, right?

Speaker 1 But when he turned around, my brother and his friend laughed because what did they see? Your dad's little Korean penis. No, he turned around leaving the room.
Oh, his ass? The Korean kite.

Speaker 1 My dad used to sleep. with a bunch of toilet paper jammed in his butthole and the fucking toilet paper would be sticking out.
He'd look like a Korean kite, right?

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Speaker 1 And the reason why I didn't know until now I know my age.

Speaker 1 And I have to stick toilet paper by the way. Are you leaking or something? There's a little bit of leakage sometimes.
At night? Or just when you sleep? 24-7. When you sleep.
Right now. You have TP up.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm on Ozimpic right now, so it clogs it up. Right.
But in just regular,

Speaker 1 sometimes. Really? Yeah.
So I have to like, and what I do is, I don't know if you know the notice. I don't know why I'm revealing this.
This is so disgusting. Give it to me.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm already giving it to you. Well, go.
Okay. This is so disgusting.
I don't even know if I should say this, but I'm going to do it. I fuck it.
I don't care. But it's like,

Speaker 1 if you notice,

Speaker 1 I have bottles of cologne on me. All the time.
Right. In your car.
And have wet naps. Sure.
Right. On the go.
So this is an emergency kit. So what I do is at the LAX or whatever, right?

Speaker 1 Dude, when we're traveling, that's what you're doing. You go wipe off the leak and spray, spray, spray.
I spray on the pads. On the fucking

Speaker 1 wet ones. I've smelled it.
Right. Then I do a thing, right? Just in case.
Just in case. There's leakage, yeah.
You don't have emergency things like that? Anybody in the room? Please back me up.

Speaker 1 Anybody?

Speaker 2 We're not over 50.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's true. No, it's just, I I think it's a, I think that's hereditary.
I think that's your family. I think it's your dad.
Yeah, so my dad, I think I'm a Korean kite as well.

Speaker 1 You should start walking around with it in there, just in case.

Speaker 1 You know? Yeah. My dad used to,

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 dude, one time, man,

Speaker 1 my dad, my dad, my mom fucked up on rice.

Speaker 1 She fucked up rice? When Koreans fuck up rice, people get mad. That's divorce.
Yeah, yeah. That's how, that's how marriages end.

Speaker 1 So the dry, wice, rice was way too dry oh yeah so my brother and i my mom and dad were at the dinner table and my dad and you know you know um korean food what's the great thing about korean food when it comes when you're at a korean restaurant all the little the little the little sides yeah yeah hundred so you know my mom did the same thing there's like 15 little tiny you know i mean oh i love that it's the best right i love that and the little grill on the table right snacks and then the rice was a little too dry

Speaker 1 and once i took the bite of the rice my mind went, oh, oh, no.

Speaker 1 Dry rice, dry rice. Right, right.
My dad took the table and threw it into the ceiling, and all the ponchon stuck to the ceiling. And it rained kimchi, right?

Speaker 1 No, I'm not kidding you, dude. And it was like, oh, my mom was running from my dad.
It was insane. Kimchi rain.
So if you're Korean, don't make the dry, make it perfect, the rice.

Speaker 1 Make the rice perfect. Yeah.
See, my parents. There was so much trauma.
My parents never cooked. My mom wasn't a big cook.
My dad's favorite meal meal of my mom's is called burnt chicken.

Speaker 1 Really? It's called burnt chicken. No sauce? No, there's a fuckload of sauce.
Oh, yeah. Everything is sauce.
What kind of sauce?

Speaker 1 She does like a homemade, it's like a honey barbecue with, it's got a homemade barbecue with a teriyaki base. You know, it's like a teriyaki base.
That's a good, that's a good.

Speaker 1 But it's burned chicken. Yeah.
It's chicken that they burned. Did you ever do Hungry Man? The Hungry Man meals? Yeah.
Yeah. The frozen meals.
Every meal. Love those.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 My favorite thing of the Hungry Man meal is that little dessert section. Oh, like the apple.
Brownie or the brownie or apple pie or whatever. Oh, it's the best.
You've never did Hungry Man's?

Speaker 2 No, I've done it before. I know the Brownie's.
Your parents were doctors.

Speaker 1 He didn't have to do that stuff. Yeah.
Doctors fed you.

Speaker 2 No, I had it in L.A.

Speaker 1 My favorite was turkey and the little stuffing, gravy one with the mashed potatoes. What is that? Green peas.
That was a good one. And then the little.
That's a Hungry Man one. That was a Hungry Man.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And there's, I just don't do frozen pasta.
Do you do that? In college, I did a lot of a bag of Stouffers. You know, the Stouffers.

Speaker 1 I used to do those. And one time I was visiting my buddy Tyler in D.C., and I had a late-night flight, and it was storming outside, storming.

Speaker 1 And Tyler and I, you know, we used to get high together all the time. It's how we met in high school, smoking weed at lunch.
And I have a late-night flight. He makes one of those Stouffers.

Speaker 1 Look at the Stouffers two-for-one pasta bags. He makes one of these Stouffers late-night pasta bags, right? One of those right there.

Speaker 1 That bag. No bag, right? Exactly.
Like grilled asiago chicken, right? So he grills up one of these things, you know, feeds me before I catch my flight.

Speaker 1 We're in college, and I'm sitting there, and I go to the bathroom, and I'm like feeling kind of out of it. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, what am I doing?

Speaker 1 I go back and sit down and I'm like feeling funky. And I'm already kind of anxious because

Speaker 1 it's a midnight flight or whatever, pouring down rain. And he goes, are you stoned? I go, what? I'm not stoned.

Speaker 1 Do you feel stoned? I go, why? He goes, I put a huge chunk of weed butter in the Stouffer's skillets. I was like, wait, are you serious? He goes, oh, yeah, I put a fuckload in there.

Speaker 1 He's like, I figured it'd be good for your flight. I was like, No, bad, bad, bad.
Did you get high? So fucking high. I was so you mad.
I was, no, I couldn't be mad. I was scared.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I was like, How am I gonna get to the airport? How am I gonna get home? He's like, Oh, what do you mean? You'll catch a cab. You'll be fine.
Don't worry about it. Panic.
The whole that was.

Speaker 1 Somebody did that to me now. Oh, oh, sober? Oh, I'll be, yeah.
No, free one. No, dude, I got way too high.
Should I do it as a surprise? No, fuck you. No, but no, no, because now it's not.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm not a kid. Yeah, yeah.
Idiot.

Speaker 1 If I eat a bowl of pasta you gave me, there's no way I would know secretly that you did it. I imagine you dose his pasta, but because you Ozempic, he can't finish it.

Speaker 1 Never even gets high. I know.
Wow. Dude, so many of our friends are on Ozempic.
I know. It's crazy how many people are talking to me about it or whatever the other one is that you're on.

Speaker 1 Wait, go over. There's a bunch of different ones.
The amount of people, and I can't name names, it's not my business to say, but the amount of people that have told me privately are on it. So many.

Speaker 1 I'm blowing my mind. I feel like it's like a thing.

Speaker 1 It's almost like a thing I'm finding out that, you know, when you find out as you get older or something, your parents did that, you're like, everybody did that? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Your parents are like, yeah, we just didn't worry about it. Shut up.

Speaker 1 I had no idea that many people took this shit.

Speaker 1 It really does work, though.

Speaker 1 I can't believe it. I know.
I can believe it. It's, it's, it's what it's, you know, it's supposed to help people stop fucking eating and it's working.

Speaker 1 Like, you've when it, because I've been taking this girl out to BLVD. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right?

Speaker 1 And even me, I'm, you know, what I order there. I go, give me, as my meal, I get the three sauteed shrimp that's so good.
They are so good. Right.
And I'll get some, you know, halibut ceviche.

Speaker 1 You know, right?

Speaker 1 And that's it. And that's all.
That's the only thing I'll eat. What? Yeah.
You won't even have a piece of steak? No. No dessert.
She ate a fucking tomahawk like this. No dessert.
Nothing. No dessert.

Speaker 1 Nothing.

Speaker 1 I can't get anything else in.

Speaker 2 That's incredible.

Speaker 1 You eat it. You're like, I'm done.
I'm about to vomit. God, that's amazing.
It's amazing. It is amazing.
And then you don't get like hunger pains at night.

Speaker 1 What about, yeah, in the middle of the night? Well, sometimes I do is eat cereal. In the middle of the night? Yeah, and I'll eat either my favorite is, I love golden grams.
Oh, GG's. Right.

Speaker 1 I like cinnamon life.

Speaker 1 I like cinnamon life. Cinnamon life, my friend.
Well, here's why you like it. What? Because the milk is phenomenal.

Speaker 1 I want to do cinnamon life and just bottle that milk afterwards. That's sell cinnamon life.
That's so smart. You're a breakup.
Why don't they do that? Yeah. What's your least favorite cereal?

Speaker 1 This is easy. Oh, it's so easy.
Captain Crunch. Because it cuts your tongue and your mouth.
I hate the flavor, everything about it. The peanut butter Captain Crunch is pretty good.
I can't eat it.

Speaker 1 I hate it. What about like booberries? Hate it.
Wow. I'm going to tell you right now what I like.
Count chocolate.

Speaker 1 Is that like Fruity Pebbles? No. Count Chocola is like an iteration of Captain Crunch.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Fruity Pebbles.
Anything

Speaker 1 fruity pebbly, I like. I don't like that.

Speaker 3 Do you like anything that doesn't come with a toy?

Speaker 3 Just make it up for Andreis being gone.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, you're doing a great job because he's just as shitty as you.
That's the same Bob.

Speaker 1 That makes me mad.

Speaker 1 That right there ruined it all for me. No, let's keep moving.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, Cocoa Pebbles is the same as Fruity Peoples.

Speaker 1 I like anything pebbly. You are a pebble guy.
I'm a pebble guy.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Fruit loops.
Nope. No.
I don't like loops. So Applejacks are out there.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow, that's crazy.
Applejacks are so good.

Speaker 1 What I do like, I like

Speaker 1 the frosted mini wheats. Yeah.
Okay. First of all.
It absorbs the milk. It's great.
It's the best. They need more frosting.
No, I like that one side. The frosting should go all the way around.

Speaker 1 That's not true at all. Frosting should be a good thing.
It's too much. It's too much.
It's too much. No, then you're eating just shredded wheats.
Because by the way, sometimes

Speaker 1 I'll say this. Listen up.
Dude, those things are the best. Listen up, Kellogg's.
Yeah. I'll tell you what pisses me off about frosted mini wheats.
Lately, they've been skipping on the frost.

Speaker 1 A lot of times I'll see a mini wheat there. The whole thing, the whole one side isn't frosted.
It'll be a little piece of frost. Look at that long piece of fucking.

Speaker 1 Sometimes you get a double down. I don't want a double one.
No, I love that. All right,

Speaker 1 suck it like this. Right.
I know you do. So, and I've talked about this before, I think.
I don't know where, but, and I've had to campaign because in the late 70s, early 80s,

Speaker 1 there was one thing that was the greatest thing. ever made.

Speaker 1 It was the greatest thing ever made. It's what I survived on.

Speaker 1 If I think about it today,

Speaker 1 my mouth waters. All right, give me the initials.
I can guess it. You're never going to guess it.
Give me the initials. I'll just say carnation.

Speaker 1 Oh, the instant breakfast? No.

Speaker 1 In the early 80s, there was a carnation breakfast bar. Oh, you told us about this.
Yeah. Right, the breakfast bar.
And they stopped making it. And if you go online, people still want the recipe.

Speaker 1 I remember this thing. Yeah, it

Speaker 1 was the greatest breakfast thing. The way it fell apart in your mouth.
The crunch, the crunch, the crumble. Everything about it.

Speaker 1 I would buy 15 boxes at the fucking thing. Is Carnation still a company? Look that up.
Do they still exist? Yeah, they are. They do? But they don't make those bars anyway.
Somebody owns them, though.

Speaker 1 Somebody's going to remake that. Why don't we fucking we should do Bad Friends Carnation breakfast bars? Who owns Carnation now? Look that up.
Nestle. Oh, they do? Yeah.
Wow. Nestle.
Parent company.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Frasier and Niamh and Company.
I think people have tried online. I've read on Reddit and stuff.
People try to make it.

Speaker 1 I don't think they've, I think they've failed. There's something magical about it.
Well, the magic is gone. It's gone.
Isn't it funny when you find out who owns something?

Speaker 1 Like the other day, I looked up JetBlue because I was like, they were booking me on a JetBlue flight because I got to fly for this gig. And I was like, oh, yeah, JetBlue.

Speaker 1 And then look who owns JetBlue, by the way. Because I was looking up what the...
Oh, my God. Wait, hold on.
Hold on. Hold on.
Before you get to it.

Speaker 1 I was looking up what the flight stat, like, are they owned by United? Like, they had a partnership, right? That's what I was looking for for their points or whatever.

Speaker 1 And then I accidentally looked up who owns it. Zoom in.
Look at this. BlackRock Vanguard.

Speaker 1 BlackRock, dude. I don't know who that is.
One of the largest fucking like venture capital conglomerate. They own the world.
Wow.

Speaker 1 They're probably the fucking, they're probably the biggest purveyors of like war.

Speaker 1 BlackRock is basically fucking, I mean, they make everything. Look what they own.
As of December, BlackRock's market cap net worth is $159 billion, the world's largest money management firm.

Speaker 1 They own everything. Wow.

Speaker 2 They have $11.5 trillion.

Speaker 1 A trillion in assets,

Speaker 1 which means they're fucking. A trillion.
Yeah, because they're military. They make military.
A trillion. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Big T.

Speaker 1 Imagine. What would you do if you were a trillionaire? You'd never see me again.
Oh, yeah. You'd see me.
No. On everything.

Speaker 1 Put yourself on billboards, all up announcements. Clouds.

Speaker 1 The clouds would be my face.

Speaker 1 Is that a cloud? You'd look up, all the clouds would be. Oh, they're Bobby Seeding again.

Speaker 1 So fucking rad. Yeah.
Private military companies, Black Water. Wow, BlackRock, not Black Water.
That's Black Water.

Speaker 2 No, but BlackRock does military contracting.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they do contracting. Right.
Trillion. Well, dude, you saw what happened the other day to fucking Elon Musk, right?

Speaker 1 Since Trump's election, he made $40 billion

Speaker 1 because of his stock options and everything like that shot through the roof between X, SpaceX,

Speaker 1 X, Tesla,

Speaker 1 $439 billion. $439 billion.
I can't write write my job. Billion dollar.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, look at that. Jeff Bezos, $237.
Nice try, bitch.

Speaker 2 He's getting married.

Speaker 1 Who is? Bezos. He's getting married?

Speaker 2 Yeah, in Aspen, I think, this weekend.

Speaker 1 Are you going? Did you get invited?

Speaker 2 No. No.

Speaker 1 Surprise here. We should all get invited for how many Amazon pets? My house is an Amazon fucking factory.
The amount of shit my wife gets up from Amazon, comical. No, it's honestly at this point.

Speaker 1 The fucking driver the other day goes, back again.

Speaker 1 Back again. That's what he says.
Is she addicted? I'm addicted. Is she addicted? She's bad addicted.
Yeah, yeah. What's she get? Like, just bullshit.
It's all bullshit for the house.

Speaker 1 It's like, it's stuff. It's small stuff for the house.
And you don't yell at her ever. No, why? Who gives a fuck?

Speaker 1 It's just funny to me. I'm like, poor shit.
Wait, so does she say to you,

Speaker 1 does she have to say, you know, I spent $4,200 this week? No, she doesn't spend that. It's not like that.
It's just small stuff. Yeah, but

Speaker 1 she doesn't have to go to you and go, hey, I spent this. No, why? Okay, that's great.
What a great dad. A brother, a husband

Speaker 1 dad brother husband what a great dad brother husband yeah you know some some guys are like that like hey sweet i want to see the receipts or you know what i mean no because she's not buying crazy she's just buying like she's so if she did spend like 20 to 22 000 on something would she tell you yeah we'd have to have a conversation 22 000 i'd be like what was it what what was it did you buy high heels baby you bought 22 000 high heels no i bought like 14 of them that that led up to 22 22,000.

Speaker 1 So don't yell at me. No, well, I am.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's a lot of money.
Why are we spending $22,000 on shoes? I like them. I know that you like them, but could you get less than 14? No.

Speaker 1 You need them. Yeah.
You promise? Yes. All right.
It's fine. And you're fine with it? I guess if you say you need them, what am I going to do? If you say you need them,

Speaker 1 what am I going to say? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because then it's like, then I want to go buy something fun for me. And because she could be like, why do you want that car? I really love cars.
What's the justification? Right.

Speaker 1 We all have our bullshit that our partner could go, well, that's stupid as fuck. Yeah.
And by the way, it probably is.

Speaker 1 Shoes are dumb. Clothes are dumb.
Cars are dumb. Toys are dumb, but like we want them.
So fuck it. Guess what? The number one thing I buy off of TikTok and Instagram, and I get something every week.

Speaker 1 Sex toys. No.
Pants. No.
Shoes. Slides.

Speaker 1 What's the slide mean? Sandals. Flip-flop.
He's right. That's what I'm saying.
Comfy sandals. No.
Oh, oh,

Speaker 1 a thing for the cats. Yes.
I fucking.

Speaker 1 Oh, I did that and it never came. I was so mad.
Think for the cats. You know why? Then I bought it on Amazon, the same thing, and the cat didn't even play with it.

Speaker 1 That's why you have to buy a lot.

Speaker 1 You got to buy more. I buy everything.
A bird. A mechanical bird.

Speaker 1 You charge it, right?

Speaker 1 And the cats just kind of walk by it. I don't give a fuck, dude.
You got to keep trying. Yeah, I keep trying.
I bought a scratching poat that looked like an Asian temple. Okay.
And

Speaker 1 it's right outside my.

Speaker 1 When I left the house today, the box was there, so I'm going to assemble it when I get back.

Speaker 1 I can't wait.

Speaker 1 Yeah, stuff for the animal. I'll buy anything for the dog.
I don't give a shit.

Speaker 1 But when I say she's, if she spent, like, look, if she had a problem, if it was bad and she spent too much money where it was like scary, yeah, we'd have a conversation about it.

Speaker 1 But, you know what I mean? It would have to be like, what the fuck's going on? But that was the thing I think about sometimes.

Speaker 1 Like, you hear these stories later in life, people that are like, the spouse was spending crazy money and they didn't know.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I mean? Like, you hear those fucked up stories where they're like, they had a gambling addiction and they were, you know. What happened? No, sometimes

Speaker 1 the wife is so in debt and she's hiding it from the husband. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then they kills the husband. I've seen a couple of those.
Yeah. Have you seen a couple of those? They kill them because they don't want to.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You'd rather kill me than tell me we're in debt.

Speaker 1 I know. Fucking tell me.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or the worst. And then what happens when you tell me that we're in debt? Yo.
Then I kill you. Yeah.
Yeah. That's a lie.
But. Or what would you do if you found out that your wife put a hit on you?

Speaker 1 I've seen a couple of those too. It would turn me on a little bit.
But that would destroy me. It'd be kind of hot, though, at first.
You'd want to fuck it out. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Cause you'd be like, you tried to fucking kill me? Yeah, I forgive you, but we got to fuck a lot. We got to fuck a lot, dude.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 If I found out my wife put a hit on on me, it'd be kind of, it would turn me on for the creativity of it. Right.
It's kind of rad. Where'd you find these guys? It's divorced, though.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 That would be real. It might be fight to the death.
Yeah. How about you? How about you do it? George?

Speaker 3 Oh, I'd just move away. I'd hide.

Speaker 1 Would you get divorced, though?

Speaker 3 No, I wouldn't even, I would not pass go. I'd just be in the middle of Montana.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Blacier National Park. But your kids, though.
Kids? What kids?

Speaker 1 He's gone.

Speaker 1 You would take the kids?

Speaker 3 If I had time, but

Speaker 3 if they were a daycare, I'd just be gone. This fucking girl.

Speaker 1 First Greyhound out of the street. What a man.
Well, you know what it is.

Speaker 1 You're a real man, dude. He doesn't watch these kids or this wife.
He's gone. This guy's dreaming in the mountains in his mind.
He wants to run away by a little river.

Speaker 1 But do you have enough to survive in the mountains? Yeah, but you're like, you know, Ted Kaczynski or whatever is that guy's name. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. He was poor.
That was his real problem.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He didn't get any.
I've listened to a whole podcast. Is that his name, Ted Kaczynski? Yeah.
Yeah. Unabomber, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Him and his brother were real weirdos.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you would wear, I'd have a beard.

Speaker 1 You'd be like making things in the fucking shack. Make his own clothes.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.
You'd be so weird. Carlos, what would you do if your significant other put a hit on on you?

Speaker 2 Oh, I'd call the FBI and say, thank you.

Speaker 1 Snoover. Fucking rat, snitch, brat.
No, fuck her. Oh, getting divorced is like a cheat code.

Speaker 1 Oh, now I get to be single. I'd slowly poison her.
Yeah. Oh, I like her.
Oh, yeah. If I find out she was to put a hit on me, I'd slowly poison her.
So I saw one where a girl gets cut.

Speaker 1 Now she's with the cops, and they confront her. They go, we know we have it all on tape.
It's awesome. Right.

Speaker 1 And the husband's there. Oh.
Right? And then the cop opens the door. The husband's there.
And she goes, Tommy, come here. Just come here.

Speaker 1 Let's talk. Fuck you.
Come here, Tommy. No.
Seriously, what the fuck is going on, Tommy? Tommy's like, fuck off, right? Yeah. But it's like, what do you think is going to happen, lady?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but she probably was trying to manipulate him. That's, by the way, she's probably, she's probably good, master manipulator.
She's probably a sociopath, and she probably thinks,

Speaker 1 I didn't do anything wrong. She wasn't even hot.

Speaker 1 You didn't even get hot. If you're going to kill me, you better be hot.
You better be hot. You better be so.
Margo Robbie. Yeah, you better.
Margo,

Speaker 1 kill me. Yeah, yeah.
Hey, oh my God. Hey,

Speaker 1 Sidney Sweeney, murder me. Murder me.
Slit my throat in cold blood. But it's like the gall.

Speaker 1 To have you put a hit is crazy. It's crazy, dude.
If you were going to put a hit on somebody, how would you go find someone to do that, though? You can't Google it. There's no way to do it.

Speaker 1 Late at night, I do think about stuff. Because you know, late at night, you have revenge fantasies.
You do, for sure. You don't have revenge fantasies? Not really.
I don't care. What about

Speaker 1 me either then? You love it. I know you do.
So I lay in my bed and that always putting on a hit in my scenarios in my head because I go, how would I do it? Well, you go to homeless guy.

Speaker 1 Even then, it's like, no, because they're going to catch you on tape even approaching the homeless guy.

Speaker 1 What's Bobby Lee giving a homeless guy four to four grand? I wasn't giving him that much money. Okay.
I hid the money. He had to go get it.
So I'm at Skid Row. I got it all planned out.
You do?

Speaker 1 I'm hanging out at Skid Row. Yeah.
I go, that guy might go. Hey, sir, can you come here? And he's like, ah, shit, I'm a fake.
A cuckoo cado. And then you're like, okay, that's not the guy.

Speaker 1 The cuckoo could do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my guy.
Right. And then, so, where would I go? And then I would probably go to like Guam.

Speaker 1 the guy that works

Speaker 1 yeah he looks like he knows somebody yeah he does oh god you know anybody i'm just you know hypothetical yeah no dude what the get the fuck away from me that means he does he's like right so then i think i would call the shadiest guy i know yeah but after that i'd be like i don't know what to do i'd get a homeless guy because then it's a phone you know if you get a whole crazy homeless guy and you and you you hide the money you give you give him like two couple of tasks one he's got to go kill someone two i've hid the money all over the place as a scavenger hunt for him to get the money then it gives him an adventure you know well the money fun part because these clubs now pay you cash yeah right so i just do a bunch of improv spots right get the cash but that's how i get the cash right there you go so then i have cash in my pocket untraceable i'll save about 10 grand worth of you think someone's going to kill someone for 10 grand down payment you always say put a down payment down

Speaker 1 right until the task's done what does it cost to kill someone you go 10 grand at first yeah okay 20 grand 20 grand to kill someone yeah no chance. It's got to be way more than that.

Speaker 1 Someone's not going to kill someone for 10 grand. You can hire a hitman on the dark web.

Speaker 2 Well, or you could get a ghost gun. That's what I was going to tell Bobby to do, is he should kill her himself.

Speaker 1 What's a ghost gun?

Speaker 2 It's a 3D printed gun.

Speaker 1 Wow. Oh, and you can destroy it when you're done.
That's what Luigi used. Did he really? That's why it was so weird-looking.

Speaker 1 Oh, so he printed his own gun? Oh, that's cool. That's kind of weird.
He printed his own gun, but didn't cover up any other parts of his tracks. Like, he literally was like,

Speaker 2 he didn't have gloves on. He didn't check to to see if he was dead.
It was.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so it's like he left all the other evidence. He went out of his way to get a 3D gun.
But he also got a silencer, and apparently that was the wrong move. Why? Oh, you don't know? Why?

Speaker 1 Wait, why?

Speaker 1 Oh, you don't know?

Speaker 1 No. You don't know? No, I don't know.
Okay, so what professional would say, right,

Speaker 1 is you make it loud because so that people can hear it. And they don't run toward gun violence.
They run away from it and they duck and they hide. Ah.
Right. So if he would.

Speaker 1 What? That's good. Yeah.
So you use a regular pop, pop, pop. Right.
That way, right?

Speaker 1 There's no one around. Interesting.
Right. But he, and the cop that I heard on the news.
Yeah, news, news. They said they said that he played too many video games.

Speaker 1 Like, kids today, they play so many video games, they think that's how you do it. They put a silencer and all that stuff.
Like, you're playing.

Speaker 3 It's not just subsonic bullets right in the ear. You're good to go.

Speaker 1 See. The way you said that was creepy.
I know he's planned it. Yeah, yeah.
You've had revenge fantasy. He's had revenge fantasy.
Yeah, yeah. Subsonic what in the ear?

Speaker 3 Subsonic bullets. They don't pass, they don't go over the speed of sound, so then they don't make that big ol' pop.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's awesome. That's awesome.

Speaker 1 That's real thing.

Speaker 1 That's good to know. That's good to know.

Speaker 1 Subsonic bullets. So when you bang it, right, it doesn't have a bang?

Speaker 3 Well, it has a bang, but it's a lot more quiet.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 1 How do you know this, George? How do you know this, dude?

Speaker 3 You know, when a raccoon was getting our

Speaker 1 chicken

Speaker 1 using a fucking subsonic bullet for a raccoon.

Speaker 3 Subsonic bullet to get the raccoon because it was

Speaker 3 eating our chickens. And that's kind of highly illegal in the LA city limits.

Speaker 1 To shoot a gun at a raccoon? Yeah. It's 100% illegal.
But it was so quiet. Nobody heard.
Wow.

Speaker 1 How do you write things on the bullet? The pen. Very small pen.

Speaker 1 He didn't engrave it.

Speaker 1 It was sharp. Maggianu?

Speaker 1 What did it say on the shell?

Speaker 2 Deny, depose, and delay.

Speaker 1 And people are getting tattoos of it. It's funny.
Deny, depose, delay. They're getting the tattoos of that on the back.
That's so dark. Who would you run up to and kiss on the face?

Speaker 1 What famous.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? What CEO would you run up to and kiss on the face? Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 2 Governor of Texas.

Speaker 1 You go kiss him on the fucking face. You kiss.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's kissable. He's on the wheelchair.
He's so kissable. He's so kissable.
Some of these guys are so kissable, man. He's easy to kiss.
Wheelchair. I would kiss him 15 times

Speaker 1 in the head.

Speaker 1 Wouldn't you?

Speaker 1 I would kiss the head. Back of the head up.
Yeah. Back of the head.
Back of the head 15 times. Right.
And then one in the dick.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That one's the sweetest.
Yeah. Wow.
Deny, depose, delight. There's a couple of comics I want to kiss.
Who do you want to kiss? You know what I mean? There's always a couple comics.

Speaker 1 There's so many comics I want to kiss. Who do you want to kiss? Annie.
I don't want to name any.

Speaker 1 No, I don't want to kiss her. I do.
You really do?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would kiss her. Yeah.
In the vagina.

Speaker 1 What she did to me the other night was. What did she do?

Speaker 1 Was she started a war with me? Oh, of course. You don't know what she did? No.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 2 stole your Zempic?

Speaker 1 No, you told me. I told you.
That was pretty flagrant. It's flagrant, right? It's a crazy.
So I'm going to tell you what she did, all right?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 the main room was packed. I'm bringing Annie up, right? And I have a good set.
So I say good night. I give her a great intro.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And also, I'm on a date. So you have a female friend.
So I have a friend in the audience, you know, that's watching the show. She had never seen me perform perform before.

Speaker 1 And you killed. I did good, right? So then I bring bring Annie, and as I'm walking toward the back of the thing, Annie's coming out through those curtains, and she has water.

Speaker 1 She does a prat fall and throws it on my body.

Speaker 1 Now I'm drenched wet.

Speaker 1 And here's

Speaker 1 on purpose? On purpose. She says it wasn't on purpose.
It was on purpose. I later found out it was on purpose.

Speaker 1 And here's the what's the biggest sin there? Throwing water on you. No.
Hacky joke. No laugh.

Speaker 1 Nobody laughs.

Speaker 1 So the room was quiet. The room was quiet.
And they're like, oh, shit. Whoa.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 So now I'm drenched. It's silence in the room.
What did you say? My fucking date is blushing.

Speaker 1 Right? And I go, what the fuck? She's like, oh, I'm so sorry. Because you saw how upset it was.

Speaker 1 And then as I went backstage, I went, what the f?

Speaker 1 I went crazy, dude. Well, she was on stage.
But what do you think of that? Is that war? It seems like a, that's, that's. That seems like a war to me, dude.
It's an attack. Yeah.
That's an attack.

Speaker 1 And by the way, to be fair, you still got laid. But

Speaker 1 it didn't ruin your night, but it is a little. That's a little war.
That's a little baby. She's throwing up a flare.

Speaker 1 She does things like that. She'll also do stuff like kick you in the stomach.
Like, she does weird shit. She kicks you in the stomach? Well, she'll like do some kind of cry.

Speaker 1 It's always like some karate thing. Oh, yeah.
She'll go, oh, hi, yeah, kaka kakaka. And she'll like kick you.
You know what I mean? You're like, what the fuck are you doing, dude?

Speaker 1 Annie, what are you doing? Yeah, what is she trying to start a war for you for? What is that? I don't know, dude.

Speaker 1 I thought you guys were always all all right because she's she also told him she said well that usually works with you no my pratt fall with the water

Speaker 1 it didn't work that time yeah because i killed yeah you did too good well

Speaker 1 no one also nobody wants to be wet it was so yeah you're drenched i don't want to be wet for the now wait no what would you have done if she did that that she would never do that to you But if she did.

Speaker 1 She maybe would. But if she did, I would go grab water or a drink off someone's table and throw it right on her in front of everybody.
That would get the laugh.

Speaker 1 If she threw it in me, then I would be like, what the fuck are you doing? Laugh it off a little bit.

Speaker 1 I think it would be uncomfortable in the room.

Speaker 1 I'd grab a drink off somebody's thing and throw it on her. Yeah.
And then...

Speaker 1 I'd start a food fight.

Speaker 1 And I forgot who it was, but after Annie,

Speaker 1 the comic after was mad. Why, do you think? There's water all over the fucking stage.
So they had to pause, and some fucking doorman had to go up there and wash the fucking clean the stage.

Speaker 1 That's so bad. So you have now this lull.
So Jesus Treyo's got to go up and wait for

Speaker 1 yeah yeah it was terrible you gotta wait for someone to clean up the water in front of him yeah

Speaker 1 so what's your um are you gonna respond to this war now are you starting a little war back

Speaker 1 yeah seems like you might you know me seems like you might there's a couple of things he's done over the years that have been like oh man that's that's a war but i'm gonna back off but the water on you is but the water was almost like the last thing maybe

Speaker 1 yeah But I don't know. What do you think? What would you have done, Carlos?

Speaker 2 Oh, I would have lost my temper.

Speaker 1 would have been i've lost my temper at annie a lot yeah yeah oh you guys have beef or something no we've just always played around like that yeah like i walked off her show once like did she apologize for the water no she was she it was an accident i slipped so that was her way of not apologizing you don't believe it but then later she's like she said she didn't say she still maintains it was slip but then she told me I've done it before, like throwing water, right?

Speaker 1 So in my mind, I'm like... That's not a slip.
Yeah, that's not a fucking slip, bitch. You know what I mean? We'll see how that plays out.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, what's any New Year's resolution for you? Yeah, I've got resolutions. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 I'm leaving the state of California as a permanent resident.

Speaker 1 I can't do it anymore. Is that true? I paid too much in taxes.
I got to get out of here. I'm done.
I can't support this place. I got to go.
So we're ready. We're moving the show.
Where are you going?

Speaker 1 We are officially. Where are we going? We are moving.
Where are we going? To Nevada. Perump, Nevada.
Oh, I love that place. We'll go.
We're moving to Perrump. We'll go.

Speaker 1 We got to go, dude. Yeah.
We got to set up a studio in Perrump. So we're going to be setting up a studio in Perump, Nevada.
We got to move there. State income tax.
We'll save on that.

Speaker 1 We'll still pay our Fed, but no more California. Do you think we would thrive in Nevada? Yeah.
Like by Vegas? 100%. You think so? What the fuck? We would do great.

Speaker 1 We could move to Vegas and have the most fun. Do shows all the time.

Speaker 1 Not Perump. No.
Who's kidding? But we're not kidding. Perump's a no-man land.
We'll move to Vegas where we'll open up a club called the Brothership.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only for black people.
Yeah, the Brothership. Only for black people.
You have to be black to get in.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the Brothership, y'all. Wow.
And we only play George Clinton in the hallway.

Speaker 1 I think if we did move to Vegas. If we did move to Vegas, what?

Speaker 1 I would open up like a 150-seat comedy club. See, I think 100-seater would be great.
That'd be great. Just 100 seats.
A little 100-seat little place. We should do that.

Speaker 1 Should we do a Bad Friends Club in Vegas? The problem is there's too many clubs in Vegas.

Speaker 1 There's Jimmy Kimmel's room. There's the seller has a room.
There's. But they're not showcase clubs.

Speaker 1 They're headliner clubs. They're headliner.
No, no. The seller is a split showcase.
It's a split headliner club. They book it in way in advance.
What I'm saying is that I want to do like for locals.

Speaker 1 For locals and anyone that's in town that wants to work out a showcase place, yeah. Maybe we should do that.
There's a Laugh Factory, a comedy seller. The LA, it's called LA Comedy Club.

Speaker 1 There's Las Vegas Live, Brad Garrett's room, Jimmy Kimmel's, Wise Guys. God, there's so many.
There's so many. Carrotop has a club out there.

Speaker 1 But you can't just call in. They just have a club? No, they're just got the room with the Luxor.
Yeah, they're, yeah. But could you? I mean,

Speaker 1 I've never been to Vegas where I'm like, I'm going to call in this weather. I don't know where to go.
Do you? See, that'd be fun to make a fucking.

Speaker 1 But is there enough local comics in Vegas that you can

Speaker 1 know that you know you could create a system? Yeah, but there's also a lot of people. I know probably 40 comics that just live there.
Okay. So you can go, hey, guys, there's no showcase club.

Speaker 1 So just call in if you're in town. We'll just work out.
All right. Well, we'll start the Brothership down there

Speaker 1 in Las Vegas.

Speaker 1 Have a happy new year, everybody. And our premiere show, our premiere show there will.

Speaker 1 Be me, me, me, you, Nate Bargazzi, Burke Christ. We'll call in all our favors.
We'll have to have a weekly show there hosted by someone. It'll be called Murder Anthony.

Speaker 1 That's good. Anyway,

Speaker 1 very good. Very good.

Speaker 1 Good night.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being. Let's just end it on that note.
Let's end on that note. Thank you for being a bad friend.