Dimorphous Expression w/ Are You Garbage?

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds.

Visit progressive.com to see if you could save.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates.

Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

Hey, bad friends!

Come see me live.

I am running around the country.

I'm going to be in San Francisco at the punchline at the end of October, Halloween weekend.

Then I'm in Brea, Brea.

Come out and see me.

Brea, California, November.

Tempe Improv returning to Arizona State.

I'm in Hammond, Indiana in November around Thanksgiving.

Windsor, Ontario, Canada, Bethlehem, PA, Hanover, Maryland, Atlantic City, New Jersey,

and then Valley Center with the Harris down there in Southern California by San Diego.

And then also Canyonville, Oregon in February.

And then finally, Wynn Casino.

I'm at the Wynn in Las Vegas in March.

Come see me at the Wynn in Las Vegas, baby.

AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.

AndrewSantino.com.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two or something.

We're bad friends.

I went to the doctor last night.

I know what happened though.

Two nights ago.

Well, I saw it close up.

Is your wife beating you?

Are you okay?

Blink twice.

Of all people that talk about their wife beating them,

you're the biggest I've ever met.

You're king.

Yeah, you get pegged every night.

Because I want to.

No,

that's what they all say.

It's sexual assault every night, dude.

No, you know what it is.

A tear.

So we guessed what this was in my eye.

My eye got worse.

It's called bletharitis.

Bletharitis.

How do you get it?

Infection of the gland within the eye.

Could have been like dirt or whatever.

Got up in my eye.

Yeah.

And then.

Bobby Tatio.

Bobbitacho.

He's on one today.

You want to fight today?

Yeah, I did.

I missed it.

Yeah.

He said something to me earlier.

I had to physically assault him.

What did he say?

It was something about.

Ah,

you got a lot of nerve, dude.

You got a lot of nerve, dude.

I went into the urgent care.

Urgent care took no less than two and a half, three hours to even get in.

And the woman gets in and goes, who poked you in the eye?

Really?

And I said, life.

And she goes, oh, that's a good one.

And she goes, this looks infected.

It actually looks pretty bad.

We should get this medication.

This is the worst part when you go to a doctor.

She goes, we're going to get you eye drops.

You have to do two every four hours two in your eye right and antibiotics just general amoxicillin or whatever i go great this should knock it right out right like i've had styes or whatever before she goes yeah we don't want it to spread and i was like

why would you say that she's like well if it spreads it can go to your brain

whoa and you can die whoa you know what they say too is if you the the this triangle of your face when you get acne and if you pop it you could die too what yeah where it's called the triangle of face sadness Oh,

I saw that movie.

Yeah, no, but I'm saying that they're saying that if you pop the shit,

they, the internet, dude.

Yeah, the internet.

Yeah, my Dr.

Reddit.

Dr.

Reddit said this.

No.

What is the danger?

What would I just say?

Danger triangle face.

You shouldn't pop a pimple on the danger triangle on your nose.

On my nose.

Why?

Why is it so dangerous?

Think of the small segment of your face as a direct line to your brain.

So through this sinus, blood's drained from your brain.

An infection in a danger triangle, like pick from a pimple, nose piercing, gone wrong.

Possibility of a facial infection to become an infection that impacts the rest of your body.

Can it really kill you?

Don't panic.

You're probably not going to die from popping a pimple on your nose, but technically speaking, it's impossible.

It's possible.

It's possible technically.

You could get a brain abscess, brain infection.

Wow, this is real.

Okay, so this thing in my eye, though, she was like, yeah, no, it's okay.

But I mean, you know, if it spreads to your brain, you could die.

And I was like,

what?

Why would you say that?

Well, the possibilities.

I didn't want to know.

Doctors Doctors aren't supposed to give you the possibilities.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, I'm the doctor.

Yeah.

Hey, Dr.

Lee, yes?

Edo?

Hmm.

Your eye, we looked at your eye.

Yeah, what happened with my eye?

You could die.

My eye, I could die.

You could die, you could also go blind?

From bletharitis.

Yeah, Freddie Mercury?

That's what he had?

Yeah, he had something in his eye.

Really?

Yeah.

Why did I go to a doctor?

Listen to me.

I'm a doctor.

Okay.

All right.

You're Mr.

Doctor?

Chevron.

Oh, yeah.

Welcome to my Chevron chevron station you know

office oh thank you

what race do you think that was sudanese

no what what do you think bangladesh huh yeah east ethiopia oh east i was doing east ethiopia dude yeah yeah look up gas station robberies now in shriman oaks big thing in the valley here they're robbing people at gas stations i'm not going anymore i'm not getting gas i'm just running out and then i call triple-a

they gunbutted that guy some guy had like a rolex or something on and they gunbutted him.

Then it just happened another week ago.

Some guy, he got out of his car, gunbutted him.

They're just robbing people like assistants.

It's a gunbutt.

What's a gunbutt?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They hit you in the face with it.

Oh, the butt of the gun.

And let me say this to you.

Let me say this to a thief.

Yeah.

Just shoot me.

Don't gunbutt me in the head.

I don't want to fucking...

Just kill me.

Shoot me, baby.

Are gunbutts.

They'll knock you out.

The butt of a gun is heavy.

They're hitting you in the face with a gun.

And what are they taking?

Your car?

Anything.

They've taken car, jewelry, clothes, cash, clothes.

They left a man naked in Van Nuys.

That's why when I pump gas.

Don't pump gas.

I have a lighter.

You do.

And I have the fucking thing, dude.

Right?

Gunbutt me, dude.

Right?

Vietnam monk.

Remember those Buddhist months in Vietnam?

That's what's going to happen.

Yeah, light the whole place up.

You're going to be lit on fire, dog.

And also, there's nothing to steal except for my wallet.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Or your car.

They can steal your car.

That's Bobby.

Gunbutt me, dog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm also, dude,

you know what's so awful?

What if that was an accident?

He was just trying to get gas for that guy's car that ran out.

Yeah.

Gas.

Fuck.

My question is: is that like, you know, you know why they did that?

It was for it.

Well, it was a peaceful protest, right?

No, they're protesting the oppressive Saigon regime.

Hmm.

It's a protest, right?

Whatever happened to me, just making a sign.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, protest?

That's a little too far from me.

Make a sign.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, stop Buddhist hate.

That'd be me.

People are lighting themselves on fire.

I stop Buddhist hate right here

with the sign.

Like, that's, don't you think that's extreme?

That's, don't, do I think that's extreme?

Yeah, dude, a little bit.

The guy lit himself on fire.

Like, I'm a Vietnamese monk.

You're a Vietnamese monk, right?

Yeah.

And we got to oppress

Saigon regime.

What do you think we should do, Tony?

Yell in the street.

No, no, that's too, too.

That's not going to do much.

Okay.

What else do you think we should do?

Get our friends together to bond together to create a community of people.

I have an idea.

What?

We shall have a fire.

No!

No.

Extreme forms of protests encompass violent tactics, terrorism, welfare, vandalism, extreme non-violent.

Great album cover, though.

Rage Against the Machine.

That was

one of the greatest.

Great album.

They got a lot of flack for that.

Didn't they get a lot of flack for that?

Album covers that got flack.

You know what?

Interesting topic.

Because, McCone, you and I were talking the other day about...

Push-a-T's famous album with a picture of Whitney Houston's dying hotel room.

Daytona.

Did you ever see this?

No, I want to see it.

They had a photo on the the cover of this wonderful album by Pusha T,

and that is the photograph of Whitney Houston's hotel room when she was found dead.

Oh my God, dude.

And there's bottles of whiskey and vodka.

And then whenever there's tinfoil, you know, tinfoil is no good.

Why?

People smoke crack out of tinfoil.

Okay.

I put my bubblegum in there.

You do.

Yeah, don't make it.

You know what, Andrew?

Don't make assumptions.

You're right.

I'm a good assumption.

Yeah, the tinfoil is there for various reasons.

You said I was a good good detective.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, the Beatles yesterday and today, right.

Another controversial album cover.

Do you know why this was controversial?

Because there's baby's heads and stuff?

No, because look who's in the back.

It's three in the front and one in the back.

Ah.

A little rude.

A little rude.

Very odd to put him in the back, by the way.

Yeah.

Why'd they do that?

Aesthetics.

Composition.

Aesthetics composition.

What's your favorite album?

Aesthetics composition.

Aesthetics composition.

What's my favorite album of all time?

No album cover.

Oh.

I'll tell you mine.

Go.

Captain Beefheart

Trout Mask Replica.

Look it up, dude.

Captain Beefheart Trout Mask Replica.

Yeah.

Sounds like one of those mad libs.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's pretty cool.

I love that one.

That's good.

I was going to give you something like Blood, Sugar, Sex Magic.

Okay.

I think I like Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magic from Chili Pepper so much because it was also like a time in my youth.

It was like something about the time of like the sexiness of the album cover.

I don't know why I liked it so much as a kid, but I love that.

It's like lick.

They're all tongue licking of like, I don't know why I thought that was badass.

No, I liked Mother's Milk because there was a titty on it.

That one was great too.

Same thing, another Chili Peppers.

Yeah, dude.

That was a poster.

you go over to you over to some kid's house named ryan and he was like see my new fucking poster dude can i tell you this my mom's livid about it dude my dad was like hang it up can i tell you what just happened with me and anthony ketas yeah

so um i've never talked about this though um for some reason this is 20 years ago ketas chris rock was in the main room and ketas saw me Whoa, right?

Cool.

And then Keitas came up to me and goes, oh, you're really funny, this and that, right?

So then Keitas would go around town just to watch my sets, right?

Like following you?

Yeah.

Same night or many nights?

No, just throughout the months.

Wow.

We've been very friendly.

I got his number, the whole thing, right?

And then all of a sudden, one day, I do this show at El Cid.

I like it.

In Philadelphia.

Right?

Yeah.

He brought the whole band out there.

To come see you.

Yeah.

Wow.

They're in the front row.

I bombed so hard.

Is that there?

Is that?

No, no, this is way years later.

I bombed so hard that he didn't talk to me for like 10 years after that, right?

I'm not kidding you.

It was night and day.

Like, I ate it that hard.

No way.

Oh, no, it was, I still remember the show.

I remember their faces.

There was nothing I could do.

I didn't have the skill set to dig me out of this hole.

Okay.

Damn.

And then he just recently goes because, you know, he has a

music observatory thing that he does with Flea.

Yeah.

And they do a yearly benefit show.

And they asked me to host it, and I can't because of Irvine.

And I almost canceled Irvine to do it.

Yeah, that's would you?

No.

Host a benefit show?

Yeah.

You're going to tank at that, too.

He's going to see you tank 20 years later.

Benefit shows suck.

It's so hard to do well at.

Yeah.

Because people are kind of uncomfortable and they're there and they're stiff and they're dressed up.

It's not like a relaxed atmosphere.

I mean, we like doing benefits, but stand-up, no.

I'd rather just show up, give you money, and be a part of the thing.

Yeah, but you would have done it if you didn't have something to do.

I don't know, man.

I don't like doing those things.

They give me the

bomb.

You eat shit at those things.

Nobody wants stand-up at a bench.

They're like, we're raising money for sick kids who have cancer of the brain.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Lee,

it's fucking impossible to do well.

You bomb.

I just, it's bad.

What's your opening line?

What's up, everybody?

What's eating you?

God, dude.

Let me tell you guys what's on my mind.

You're going to get ahead of me.

Yeah, yeah.

Step right on that.

Step right on it.

What was it?

What was it?

I said, I want to tell you guys what's on my mind.

God.

Oh, fuck.

After every punchline, I go, think about it.

Think about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

Rain it in.

Let's rain it in.

Yeah.

By the way, after you ate shit, he made stadium arcadium.

So was that your fault?

Rock.

Right.

Sorry, dude.

Have you ever bombed in front of like someone that you didn't want to bomb in front of?

Famous people?

Yeah.

I mean, I bombed in front of Rock

pretty horrifically at the store in the OR.

and I think from that, he's never really taken me serious because he sat in the bucket seats.

He was staying at the hotel nearby, came over.

Sometimes he stays in LA and just doesn't do a spot.

Yeah, he'll just come by.

He's so nice.

He was in the bucket seats, and he watched me.

I mean, torrential.

It was like,

it was so fucking bad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I brought on Fahim or someone afterwards, and I'm sure Fahim fucking crushed because he always does.

And I just was working out new shit in the OR, and it was late night, dude.

Wait, did you know he was there?

I I saw him.

So before you knew he was there, yeah, it drove me nuts.

No, no, no, this is what you do then.

You sat down and I was like, fuck.

Then you go, I have to kill.

Don't do the new stuff.

I have to kill.

It was 11.45.

It was like a late spot, and I was like, fuck it.

I was just trying new shit.

Bobby, are there famous people every time you perform?

What do you mean?

Is that why you don't do new material?

Oh, this guy.

Okay.

Is he looking for a fight, dude?

Yeah.

Give it to him.

No.

Give it to him.

I have some things I could say about it.

Say it.

No, I don't have to say it.

Say it.

It's dark stuff.

I know some dark stuff.

And I'm not going to do it.

Because you like to go personal.

Yeah, he really does, dude.

I have so many new jokes.

I know.

It is good.

I told you that last time you left.

Why wasn't you saying the joke?

Because you didn't roll down the window or acknowledge me.

Oh.

My point being is this: okay, that I'm doing everything I can to come out with new stuff.

I'm taking risks on stage.

And for McCone to say that joke again, it's really hurtful and rude.

You're talking to one of the top 25 working comics today okay i just 100 top of 25 thousand

yeah we saw this whole thing and let me let me clear the air real fast let me say something genuine about this

theo vaughan is someone we've known for a long long time i can't right now

i just want to i want to say my piece i hope he's okay i just texted he texted me yesterday i know i texted him too but i'm saying like i texted him that doesn't mean shit he's going through something very deep on stage you know that clip is gross of him saying i'm trying not to take my own life.

And I think people think that was like a bit.

And he's really in a dark place.

So we wish him the greatest.

And I was texting with a lot of other comics because I think it's a, yo, I know there's a comedy show.

I just, I'll wrap it up real fast.

I'm just saying, I think people don't know.

I know, I think people don't know that some of us suffer from actual, real clinical shit.

And

I have clinical depression.

I have very dark days.

You guys have lived through my shit.

He's got it very bad.

I'm sorry, but I think fucking people just just think you're a clown and you're like, you're not a human.

Well, he's a fucking human.

So my heart goes out to the guy because I know he's struggling a lot.

So we love him.

I really do.

Sorry.

Sorry to be fucking honest for three seconds on the show.

No, no, no.

What do you want to do?

Another Filipino accent?

Huh?

East Ethiopianism.

Welcome to Chevrolet.

Whatever.

My shout out.

I'll just say my.

Okay.

So,

the reason why I love Theo so much is that I have the same exact sensitivities and vulnerabilities as he has.

We have the same kind of issues mentally, you know.

And

when I saw that clip, it was heartbreaking.

It was so heartbreaking because I understood where he was at, and I

reached out to him, and all I can do as a friend is say, I'm here 24-7.

I'm just available.

And I'm really concerned for him.

I mean, you know, he, you know, he seems to be fine, but I'm still very concerned for him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's, it's a,

it's a very difficult thing to

survive mental health issues in this kind of environment because it's so fucking hostile out there.

Particularly when it's wrapped in fame and success.

I know people are like, Crime, a river rich guy, but like he's very successful and he's so famous and that does a thing to you.

It's like inundation of attention, and so it, it, it, it really distorts your sensibility sometimes when you're as

you know, kind of popular and wanted, and everyone's around you, and they want something, they need something.

And I don't think people understand that, and they never, and that's okay.

Also, people don't understand that he is such a kind, soft, sensitive kind of a guy.

Yeah, he has to put weights.

He's so mindful about his feelings and about people around him.

He's just a, I just care so much about him.

And

you read things about your friends and you just want to say, you got it wrong, buddy.

You know, it's like not him.

You know, and it's like, people say things about me, you, this and that, and I, I get it, you know, it's, and it's just a double-edged sword.

Yeah, and you love the internet and swords.

I love swords, yes.

You're a big sword guy.

I'm a sword guy, katanas, especially.

You know what I mean?

I did get on a big kick of watching Japanese guys sharpen swords enough to drop a blade through a pineapple.

I sat for hours on the internet watching this guy sharpen a blade so he could drop it clean through a pineapple.

Okay, I feel like I can do that.

No, you fucking can't.

Drop a sword onto a pineapple?

Patience.

You have the patience to shave that to a fine point.

You do not have that.

What do you mean, even by you saying this?

He literally would hold the handle and hold the blade and then drop the blade and hold the handle with his fingertips.

You can edit.

He doesn't edit.

You can't edit.

You can do it 10,000 times until you get it.

I can do a cartwheel.

I can do a cartwheel.

Bicycle.

Do one.

What is a cartwheel?

Show me, and I'll do it.

Entrance on Letterman.

Do it.

That's one of my favorite entrances of all time.

Chris Farley, everybody.

Look at him.

Yes.

Look at how perfect.

It's so perfect.

Yeah, I can't do it that way.

That was insane.

By the way, he tried to do three.

Watch go back.

He bailed on the third.

Yeah.

God, this guy was the king of fucking comedy.

Go all the way back.

Go all the way back.

Go all the way back so we can see it from fresh.

One, two, watch, go three.

And then he's like, oh, shit.

God, Farley's the man.

Oh, my God, dude.

He was so good.

I know.

He was so good.

Going over to Spade's house and seeing that jacket, the fat guy in a little coat jacket.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

And then he falls off the back of the chair.

I mean,

that jacket I told Spade.

I was like, I know you'd never sell that.

But I mean, good God, I'd pay so much money there.

If he was still alive, we would probably know him.

Do you think or not?

I don't know if he'd know us, but I mean, if he was still alive, he'd be the most famous comedian in the world.

Yeah.

I mean, you would still probably,

go be at Spades' house one day and you could say hi.

Yeah, that's how we could see it at Spade's house.

But also, he probably wouldn't.

Yeah.

What?

I don't know.

I just, you know, when you're in that, what he was, as big as he was, and as much as he was in it, it was almost like, what's the other side of that look like when he gets clean?

You know, you probably go away from comedy.

You get clean and you level out.

Right.

Because it was so much.

He'd be on Olympic.

No?

100%.

Yeah, yeah.

You and him would be doing Oz commercials together.

Joseph.

Look at the lineup.

Tommy Boy, Beverly Hills, Ninja, Black Sheep, Cone Heads, Almost Heroes, Wayne's World, Airheads, Wayne's World 2.

God, dude.

The guy was literally just getting started.

And as we know, Shrek, the original voice of Shrek.

We talked about it on the show before.

Also, he didn't do it because at one point, you tried to go serious.

He didn't do it like a serious role.

No, the only role that eventually he would have.

You know what I mean?

Totally.

Like the Whale 2.

Super Whale.

The Blue Whale.

What?

Okay.

God rest the dead.

I'm sorry.

That was mean.

God.

What?

Too soon?

That was good.

Okay.

But even like John Candy did JFK, he was great in that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

John Candy showed moments of brilliance in every comedic role, but he did serious stuff all the time.

The difference was Farley had soft, fun, sweet moments.

Nothing like Candy.

Candy and Uncle Buck, Candy and Planes Trains, Candy and fucking candy in Home Alone.

Dude, the guy, he showed moments of like unbelievable cool runnings.

A movie that was such a wacky, he was sweet in that.

Yeah.

One of the greatest.

One of the greatest.

One of the greatest.

Him, John Candy, John Goodman to me, were like when I was a kid, were two of the coolest, funny guys.

And Goodman wasn't your traditional comedic actor, but he was so funny.

Yeah.

Like King Ralph is one of the best movies I think I've ever seen.

Conceptually, I don't know why we haven't done that again.

Why haven't we done King Ralph again, where a fucking regular Midwest-like blue-collar guy inherits the keys to the royal kingdom?

Isn't that a genius concept?

Your great uncle left you the keys to the kingdom.

Yeah.

Is that not even listed on his filmography?

King Ralph.

I remember as a kid watching Stripes.

Oh, no, he wasn't in that.

I fucking love Stripes.

But those movies.

This movie was so good.

Which one?

King Ralph.

I never saw King Ralph.

Oh, dude, it's so fucking good.

Who's in it?

John Goodman.

What?

John Goodman, Peter Ralph.

How did we go from Candy to Goodman?

I said these two guys were kind of comedic heroes when I was a kid.

I don't remember.

I didn't see that trendy.

Did you listen to a word I'm saying?

I was trying to think.

Can I tell you why?

I'll tell you what just happened.

You disconnected.

I don't like to disconnect.

Somebody picked up the phone and the internet cut out.

Yeah.

Mom, I'm on the fucking.

No, I was trying to think of the movie Stripes.

So while you were talking about the whole thing about Goodman, I was like, not even listening.

I was like, like, what is that movie?

You never listen to me.

Of course I do.

We go, bing, bang, bing, bang, bing.

When's my birthday?

October 6th.

No.

Don't look at your phone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not October 6th?

No.

It's got to be October 6th, dude.

It's not.

October 16th.

Fuck.

10 days.

But I knew it was 6th.

Yeah, that was true.

October 16th.

Are you upset?

I didn't know?

Yeah.

Simply Safe.

Oh, my God.

Simply Safe is real security that stops crime before it starts.

So you gave me Simply Safe.

I did.

We helped you install it at the house.

You gave me installed it, right?

And I have a couple of Filipinos living at the house.

You have too many Filipinos.

And seven animals, right?

And now I feel completely safe.

Because

you guys, you got to know, if you want to trust something, you got to trust Simply Safe to keep your home, family, property, whatever it is, important, safe.

That's why you need Simply Safe.

Like Bobby, he's got cameras.

He's got monitors now.

He's got motion detectors.

It's a game changer.

It's a game changer.

The agents take action while the intruder is still inside the house.

That's right.

They're They're there for you when they're there.

Yeah.

For you.

There's no long-term contracts either or hidden freeze.

You can cancel at any time.

Cancel at any time.

Named best home security systems by the U.S.

News and World Report for five years running.

And a

60-day money guarantee so you can try it and see the difference for yourself.

That's right.

Right now, our listeners can save 50% on a SimplySafe home security system at simply safe.com/slash bad friends.

That's simply safe.com slash bad friends.

There's no safe like simply safe.

Simply safe.

Cajava.

You know what?

When I want nourishment and I want something pleasant in my mouth, I go to cachava.

I'll tell you why.

Okay.

25

grams of 100% plant-based protein.

Yeah.

Five indulgent flavors.

They're all good.

Chocolate, vanilla, chai, matcha, and coconut acai.

They also got 26 vitamins and minerals, 6 grams of fiber, 85 plus superfoods, nutrients, and plants-based ingredients.

I'm telling you, cachava has changed Bobby's life

because it is delicious.

I love it.

And two scoops, you get so much more than you could ever get from any of that other crap you're putting in your body.

Energy drinks are a drain.

Stop consuming them.

Okay, you can try cachava risk-free with their Love It Guarantee.

There's thousands of reviews that agree.

If you're thinking about adding more plant-based protein to your diet, this is a fantastic way to nourish your body.

You can try cachava risk-free, which is the best part about it.

And Bobby got me into it because I am not a fan of

artificial flavors.

I hate them, okay?

Or colors or sweeteners.

I don't like GMO.

Get it out of here.

No soy, no animal, no gluten, and no preservatives.

Fuel your daily adventures with cachava.

Go to cachava.com and use the code bad friends for 15% off your next order.

That's cachava, k-a-c-h-av-v-a.com, code bad friends for 15% off.

Zock Doc.

Your eye.

Picking my eye.

By the way, I use Zock Doc.

We do.

What did we do?

I got to get on Zock Doc, and I did it to get a new doctor to help out my eye.

And now your eye is getting better.

It's getting a little bit better.

Still looks weird, but it's getting better because Zock Doc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment with zock doc you can book in-network appointments with more than a hundred thousand doctors across every specialty from mental health to dental health primary care to urgent care and more you know i've used zoc doc which is uh a big thing for me because i moved to a new neighborhood i told you this and now even more than ever had to go back to a doctor had to get my eyeball checked out make sure my statin levels were good and you can filter on specific preferences you know if you're looking for a male doctor if you're looking for female doctor you're looking for a tall doctor they don't have that but everything else all right And you can even find a same-day opening if they have it.

Once you find the right doctor, you can actually see their appointments right in front of your face.

So, how do they get Zoc Doc?

Stop putting off those doctors' appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash bad friends to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.

That's z-oc-d-oc-c.com/slash bad friends.

Zocdoc.com slash bad friends.

Bad friends.

Let's take old movies like that and see some of the new comics that could fill those shoes.

Oh, okay.

It's very interesting.

Three amigos.

Oh, my God.

Me,

you.

No.

Okay, you're right.

I mean, wouldn't it.

I'd like to put us in something because I can't get any work.

I know, neither.

But can I get some fucking work?

But they would, they would.

Imagine a studio.

You and I could do Plane Strange Automobiles, and it would be fucking amazing.

That'd be amazing.

I mean, how much more am I Steve Martin to his John Candy?

I mean, genuinely.

Yeah.

We'd have to get you off the Azempic, though.

I have to gain weight.

You'd have to gain weight to make it funny.

But don't you a studio would be like, okay, three amigos.

Let's go to Sed Acas first.

Let's go to these kind of people first or no.

Yeah, but that's fucking boring.

That's not a shot at him.

That's what they would do.

Give me someone.

We're making our world.

Now, I'm going to say from a studio exec now.

Yeah, from a studio exec, I would be like, Santino or Sudecus, probably Sudeikis.

All right, let me say this.

Our ecosystem, our ecosystem that we're talking about?

We have friends that we know.

All right, so here we go.

Three amigos.

Well, you're obviously the

Chevy Chase part and fucking.

I mean, that would what I would want.

Yeah.

Who's Steve Martin then?

Steve Martin would be Nate Bragatzi.

Perfect.

Yeah.

And then you are Little Nettie Nettie Nedelander?

No.

There's no way they would pick me.

It's for us.

Who are you talking about?

We're casting this movie.

No, no, I'm going to be the bar cortender.

Freddie Asparagus' party.

Freddy Asparagus.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, smile, a smile.

A smile, a smile.

Who would be little Nettie Nedelander?

Oh, yeah.

Who would be that?

Martin Short, Netty Nedelander.

Who would be him?

I want to be

Dusty Bottom, so bad.

That's a tough.

That's a tough.

And who would be Patrice Martinez, the first girl that he falls in love with, that Steve falls in love with?

Who would be

Oh, shit.

Angela Johnson.

Angela Johnson.

You know, I'm trying to think of a, yeah, it's got to be like

who's the most famous Latino comedian?

Angela Johnson.

Oh, Sofia Nino de Rivera.

What?

Annabelle Ferreira.

I mean, I don't know any of these.

I mean, fancy, shouldn't you know?

Sofia Nino de Rivera.

Shut up.

It's so annoying.

Wow.

Yeah, you'll be at her.

Have her on the show.

Hey, is this hurricane going to hit Florida or is this bullshit?

Let's fucking do more hurricanes.

Remember that?

When we were kids, I feel like it happened all the time.

Hurricane...

What is that?

Imelda?

Forecasters are monitoring Hurricane Imelda, which is...

Am I saying that right?

Imelda.

Why do you think they name it names like that?

And it goes in alphabetical order.

Hurricanes are given names to improve public and professional communication, making storms easier to identify, track, and discuss, especially when multiple storms are active.

Right, because they've got sometimes there's three hurricanes going on at the same time.

I like when they combined.

Oh, and they hook up.

Oh, that's my favorite.

When they hook up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

When they don't know, and then when they combine, they're bigger.

Or a hurricane.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the horror.

That's a movie where like six come into one.

Or you have two natural events happen.

Earthquake and so two, two hurricanes that meet, you know, and then an earthquake in the ocean.

Love,

which causes a tsunami.

Just, it just happens.

It has a tornado sweeping through the Midwest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fires on the west coast.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah.

And then it just happens at one place.

And then we all die.

No, just it'll happen in

the rapture.

Rapture.

Yeah, what happened to the rapture?

What happened to the rapture?

What happened to the rapture?

Excuse me.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

What happened to the rapture?

What happened, though?

Did anyone...

It said it's back on.

Was anyone raptured?

Here's a new date the Christians believe in.

Oh, there's a new one?

Pick up the wrong day.

Wait, it was two weeks ago, right?

Yeah, what day was the rapture?

I don't know, but it was a Tuesday, I think.

Well, let's see.

Go down.

Let's see.

Rapture 2025 prophecy may be expected to occur on the 23rd or 24th.

That's right, it didn't happen.

Failed to materialize.

Yeah.

And anti-climax led to dismissed a long line of unfulfilled doomsday claims.

However, some believers say it's still coming.

South African pastor Joshua Michaela.

Who has been?

Well, I mean, that's, I didn't need to.

Joshua Michaela.

I don't know how to say it.

It says it's like muhakela.

You know what I did on the 23rd?

I was waiting for the rapture.

I was in my backyard completely naked.

Do you know why I was naked?

Why?

Because

when you have your clothes on, it leaves where you left.

I want that to be a mystery.

Where's Bobby?

Where's Bobby?

I don't want them to know where I, you know what I mean?

I feel like if I was raptured, no one would believe it.

I mean, people would think, Bob, you're on one.

People are like, he relapsed.

He's on one.

He's out.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think that, like, if people were, right?

And how stupid would I be?

I'd be like, you guys don't get it.

He was raptured.

They're like, okay, dude, where is he?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, if you were raptured, do you think people would believe it?

For sure.

I'm rapturable, too.

I don't think you're rapturable, dude.

Come on, dude.

I keep tempting the rapture.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, who would...

I don't know, dude.

I'm not rapturable.

I don't think.

Well, I don't think so.

If I'm not rapturable, you're not rapturable.

Well, you're okay, fine.

A person raptured is according to some Christian beliefs when they're a true believer in Jesus Christ.

Okay, that's it.

I believe in Jesus.

Now you die.

Oh, damn it.

Is that the

requisite?

Say it again.

Is that the prerequisite?

I love that.

I love, and you did it good on that second one.

Is that not how I say it?

That is a prerequisite to being raptured.

Yeah.

You must must believe but okay what if i have all the other ones but except for that one well you got to talk to the guy

imagine he gets up to you know what i mean he gets up

what are the conditions about rapture you have that i think it's just that you got to believe that's the only thing that's it you got to accept jesus christ as your lord and savior in earth i just did it seriously yeah i just did it dude well you're gonna get raptured yeah yeah okay i don't think you believe

no there's a few oh yeah yeah yeah yeah give me the few hold on but imagine we all get raptured and we're waiting in line and and

Jesus is like, why is Bobby naked?

We all have clothes on.

I'm just like.

And one of the apostles is like, that's a bit he does from his show.

And he's like, Jesus, he's going to give you a pube shot when he gets there.

Receive Jesus Christ.

You receive the fundamental steps to believing in Jesus Christ.

Accept him as your Lord and Savior and repent for your sins.

Read and study the Bible.

No, you don't.

Pray and confess.

You do.

Live a faithful life.

You do.

Join a healthy church.

You don't.

Be patient and endure.

You do.

Is that it?

Just six.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So understand the event.

Know it's coming.

So we got to get you to a church is really what it is.

Now, so you, do you pray and repent?

I pray.

I pray too.

Yeah, I pray a lot.

Yeah, yeah.

I pray for people.

Yeah.

I pray for this show that fancy gets replaced.

What else do you do?

I've never seen you go to a church.

You don't talk to God?

I've never seen you go to a church.

What do you mean I do?

I go to church every Sunday.

That's why we can't do the show on Sunday mornings.

Do you really go to church every Sunday morning?

Have I missed?

How many Sundays have I missed, McCone?

McCone knows.

I mean, none.

Sometimes he comes and watches the dog.

Are you kidding me, dude?

You go to church every Sunday?

What do you okay?

Stop.

Not if we're on the road.

Stop.

Stop for a second.

Yeah, we can't get on the road because I don't want to go to the room.

Stop for a second.

Okay.

May I speak?

Please.

Okay.

That says a lot about our relationship.

Why?

Because you've never invited me and you don't want me to be saved.

Do you know churches at 8 a.m., right?

It doesn't matter.

You don't want at least one time, like, hey, hey, bud, you want to go?

Do you think you could get up at 8 to go to church?

For real?

Genuinely.

I go up on Sunday mornings and I go to Third and Gardener, which is an early AA meeting.

I go to that.

That's at 10.30, you said.

Yeah.

Okay, you want to go two and a half hours?

But you think I sleep?

You think I sleep when I go to Third and Gardener?

No, I stay up all night.

Well, that's not good.

That's my point.

I would go if you tried to save me, but you don't want me to go.

You don't want me to go to heaven.

I want you to go to heaven.

Yeah, but then why wouldn't you invite me?

Okay, look.

You don't want me saved.

That's fucked up.

I want you to go to heaven, but I do think I've already put in a couple of requests and they've been denied.

It's invite only?

What do you mean?

Requests from Jesus?

It's like Raya.

Like, you can get in, but it's like, you got to have a few people to vouch for you.

And also, if you violate.

You've been banned.

Yeah.

You got banned from heaven, bud.

But honestly, if you wait a couple weeks, they'll lift the ban.

Come with me.

What's the church called?

I'm not telling it on the fucking air.

You want to come?

Yeah.

Let's go.

And what do you wear?

A dashiki.

What do you mean?

You wear street clothes.

Oh, really?

Wear whatever you want.

There's no rules to church.

That's old school shit.

That's old fucking fuddy-duddy.

It's honestly, I'm so shocked that you go to church.

But you can't wear shorts.

Have you ever seen shorts?

Jesus don't like knees.

have you ever seen me wear shorts yeah not really yeah exactly actually now that i think about it i don't think i've ever seen you no that's not true on on a beach yes we've gone swimming together and i've seen you in shorts yeah i know yeah you've seen me yeah i've seen your little thong yeah cute those little black things we wore black thongs

dude they were so funny yeah that sexy that's an album cover

what is that it's for the brea oh a flyer for brea

pretty good god the kid's got a much better body now i gotta tell you you should reshoot that photo now

You should reshoot some of those old, like,

nudie photos and see what you look like now.

God, look at how young the kid is.

Oh, my God.

Look at how young I am.

We want you to be saved.

I want you to be saved.

And the fans want you to be saved.

And I believe you can do it.

Yeah, I want to go.

That rapture talk was really scary.

And I just

want to get behind.

You're going to be saved.

You know why?

Because you have a good heart and a good soul.

The number one rule

I believe in all religions is

to try to be a good person.

And you're a great person.

person, and that is your

entry ticket to

the afterlife.

Yeah, but I've giggled at a couple of funerals before.

Funerals can be funny.

But they've been in truth.

Every time I'm in a funeral, there's a laugh attack.

Well, yeah, who said that they're supposed to be sad?

Yeah.

Why are they sad?

Like, my brother and I were at a funeral once, and

we heard a knock.

Right?

Is it closed casket?

Yeah, it was closed casket, but we hurt like that, right?

And I looked at my brother and we just collapsed on the ground.

So funny.

Started laughing.

You know what I mean?

It's funny.

I know, but still, you're not supposed to laugh.

Do you ever have a laugh fit when you're not supposed to laugh?

I don't know if you're not supposed to be laughing when I'm uncomfortable.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Because you don't know how to feel.

Yeah.

You know, like

I learned something the other day that this is this

dimorphous expression is the phenomenon of displaying two contradictory expressions or actions in response to a single intense emotion, such as crying when happy or feeling the earth to squeeze a cute object.

Yeah, sometimes you feel so overwhelmed, you do something you usually wouldn't.

I laugh sometimes when I want to cry.

Yeah.

You know?

When feelings are too emotional for me.

Dude, Demorphous Expression.

I've never even heard of that before.

What's up, San Diego?

We're Dimorphous Express.

Just bawling while they play.

What's up?

Dimorphous Expression.

That's a great sandwich.

Or it's a great album.

Yeah.

Dimorphous.

Yeah.

Demorphous Expression.

I've literally never learned that.

We're learning new shit.

Yeah.

I had

someone I know,

they had someone in their family do assisted suicide.

Oh, no.

Which is kind of crazy.

Well, because usually people that do it do it because they have a terminal illness and they're like, well, I don't want this to get progressively worse.

I want to say goodbye.

But this is kind of a crazy story.

The person

threw themselves a goodbye party or whatever.

You know, these living funerals is like a big thing that people do now.

Yeah.

But

they kept pushing back the date of the

because they, you know, had a couple couple of like secondaries of like, maybe I don't want to, let's, let's move it back a little bit.

What do you mean?

Like, they kept changing the date of the assisted suicide because they kind of had probably a few good weeks or something.

It's fucked up because don't you think after you do that, you'd be like, all right, I don't want to do it.

Yeah.

If I bailed once, I'm out.

I don't know if I could go through with it.

Yeah, that's a dark thing.

It's crazy.

I'm not,

it's just like, it's hard.

I don't know how to spin this, but yeah.

Spin it, spin it, spin it.

It's pretty dark.

Spin it.

You got it.

I know it's in there.

Yeah.

I don't like physical pain.

You don't want to experience any physical pain.

I think once the physical pain is just even if morphine or any of these drugs stop working,

I just, I feel like I like, I'm going to move on.

You ever had morphine?

Like when I was in Vietnam?

Like a drip.

Yeah.

Like a drip.

On the field, yeah.

Like a drip.

Yeah.

You've had a drip in a bit hospital.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, they gave me that shit when I had my torn ligaments in my leg.

Wow.

Yum.

It's unfucking real.

You feel warm.

I mean, oh, it's warm sunshine.

Yeah.

It makes me go, heroin.

Yes, yes, yes.

It's not surprising why people are addicted to all these opiates.

No, of course not.

Morphine drip is the continuous intravenous administration of the opioid pain medication morphine IV, dog.

Drip, drip, drop.

A drip, drip, drip with that drip, drip, drip.

I got that drip.

I got that drip, drip, drip.

I got that drip.

Just two IVs in my arms.

I got that drip, drip, drip.

I'm just drooling.

Wow.

It does feel good, dude.

It does feel good.

It's bad news, bears.

You know, when you get on it, you know, they're like,

be careful.

Because it's fun.

You know what?

I think in the last five years of my life, when I'm 70, I think I'm going to do it.

70?

The last five?

That's the, what are you talking about?

I think I'm 75.

I'm done.

You're living way fast.

I'm 70.

I think I'm going to go, you know what?

I'm going to liquidate everything.

And I'm just going to shoot heroin.

Please don't.

Yeah.

Or fentanyl.

There's a new fentanyl.

There's a superfentany.

Right.

But I think I'm just going to boom, boom.

You can come over to my little apartment.

I'm going to downsize.

I'm going to downsize.

Yeah.

And I'm just going to drip my way into heaven.

Superfentanyl.

There's a new fentanyl, dude.

Superfentanil.

Carfentanil, extreme potency.

Synthetic opioid estimate to be 100 times more potent than fentanyl, 10,000 times more potent than morphine.

Damn.

It's on the streets now.

Give that to me in the hospital, dog.

They're like, Andrew, you just have a paper cut.

I'm like, I need it.

Who took fentanyl?

Was like, nah, it's not enough.

You know what I mean?

Well, probably because they're fucking used to it.

Their tolerance is too high.

Do a little extra fentanyl then.

No, that's not going to work.

Listen, Charlie Gee, Charlie Sheen was like, I was banging seven gram rocks.

I was like, fucking go.

Yeah.

He couldn't get enough.

That was the greatest documentary.

I love that.

We've been talking about that for days, dude.

It's so good.

That documentary,

what a life.

And the thing that got him sober was like incredible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Happy he did.

Sheenzies, aka Charlie Sheen.

Did you see Jason Bateman's new show, Black Rabbit?

Yeah, everyone's talking about it.

Very good.

Yeah.

It's very good.

And Jude Law.

Yeah.

Jude Law is so good.

Yeah.

And the new Paul Thomas Anderson movie, everyone's saying great.

So good.

A lot of people are saying it's good, but I've seen a little bit of

other sides.

I've seen people say that they don't like it.

Yeah, I'm gonna.

You want to go watch it?

I'll go.

Yeah.

Let's do it this week.

Let's go.

Yeah, I'll love to.

Would you watch it again?

I'm gonna go watch it again.

Wow.

Oh, you are?

Because you have no life.

I like going to movies.

Are you dating anybody right now?

Are you single?

I'm single.

You taking anybody out on dates?

No, I like to go to movies by myself because I can get a better seat.

Yeah, I agree.

I do like going to to movies as well by myself, but you're not seeing anybody at all, huh?

Not so often, I'll go on a date, but I don't know.

You know, why don't you be honest?

Because you talk to me that how badly you want to have love.

You're like interested badly in love.

The problem is that people now watch the show.

God fancy.

Yeah.

You know,

I will get you back to Spain pretty fast.

Keep that vibe up.

Yeah, I don't like watching movies with somebody because I get influenced by them.

Yeah.

If they laugh or if they, yeah.

Yeah, I'll be sitting next to somebody.

Like I was watching Superman with like three other people, my brother or Dumbfounded and gene

and i'm watching it i'm like i'm trying to get into it what's that combined iq in that room sorry i'm trying to get into it

fuck you dude that's in my friend room dude and family what the fuck your brother dumbfounded gene hong is yeah he's get you over a hundred yeah

and i'm and i i turn to my brother and my brother just goes

yeah as soon as he did that i was like oh it's bad

no that's just and then it ruined the whole thing i know you know what i mean or like somebody will just be like with their eyes closed yeah yeah i took my dad to lord of the rings the two towers sleeping dude because he had never seen the first one or the third one right because the third one wasn't out

and i just remember just opening my

what going on right in the beginning just watch yeah and then like five minutes in he's just dead it just it deepened sleepy gone yeah but he works a lot he has no interest in you know what i mean what's what was he interested in he's never seen a movie.

He, you know, my dad was one of those immigrants that was like,

he doesn't know what music is.

I talked about this before.

I know, but it's so funny to notice music.

He doesn't know what music is.

Turn it on.

He's like, ha ha!

I mean, yeah.

But right before he died, right, I had AirPods.

The translation ones, the new ones?

No, no, no.

No, no.

And he was like, they finally communicated.

I know what you're saying.

After all those years, I love Radiohead.

Yeah.

In A Rainbows is amazing.

Yeah.

Weird Fishes.

What's this?

So

we put in

Eric Clapton.

Reckoner.

Sorry.

Yeah, Reckoner's Reckoning.

We put Eric Clapton in.

What's that song?

Tears in Heaven?

Tears in Heaven.

Oh, God.

Put it in.

We play it.

Never heard music before in his life.

I mean, obviously, he's in the elevator in a mall.

He hears it in the ambiance of it.

Pira Levin.

Pure 11.

You're a dad, guys.

He gets to the pearly gates.

He's like, Pure eleven.

I'm sorry, sir.

What do you keep singing a song?

Yeah.

Did he smile through the song?

Did he shake it?

And he's like, we play, and he's kind of sitting there.

And then a single tear.

No, I swear to God

comes on his face.

And it was the first time he ever.

Would you

who you know, who you know my name

if I saw you

take the next one.

Would it have been the same

if I saw you in hell?

I must be strong.

Is that how it goes?

I must be strong

and carry on.

Cause I know I don't want to be wrong.

Brother, and this is about his kid falling out a window?

Yeah, we didn't explain that to him.

He was doing cocaine on a balcony.

I don't know what the story was.

Was he doing cocaine?

I don't know.

He loved cocaine traditionally.

He wrote a song about it, but

it's about his son falling out of a fucking

53rd story apartment.

How do you move on after that?

God.

How do you move on after that?

53 floors like this?

No!

I mean, so long.

That's

so many stories.

Funniest thing I've ever seen.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

That is so long.

How long is that?

That's a long time.

That's a long time, man.

Oh, my God.

No!

That's so fun.

Forever.

Yeah.

Whoa!

Look who's here.

Come on in, Prince.

Sit down in these chairs.

Hey, hey.

You could have came in and mugged us.

Hi, boys.

Did you guys lock the door?

No, we left it open for you.

What's wrong with that?

You don't like that?

I can't see that.

Jack Black did it.

Yeah, Jack Black.

Ship Station.

Check it out.

We go to Ship Station.

We have an online store, and you know, since the inception of Bad Friends, we've been using ShipStation, and we love it.

We really do.

If you run an e-commerce business, you know customer reviews are of an enormous impact on your business, and you need scalable features to help ensure accuracy.

You get shipments to their door faster, and wow, your customers, you want to keep them.

Automate your workflow, save time, and reduce human error through an unlimited number of ways to automate the fulfillment process.

That's right.

Best-in-class carrier savings, discounts up to 90% off rates on all global major carriers, centralized your fulfillment operations, all in one place with the 400-store carrier and tool integration.

It's amazing.

90% off companies that stick with ShipStation for a year become customers for life.

That's exactly right.

We've been using ShipStation for a long time.

We're going to use them for an even longer time to get you what you want from us.

So wow, your customers and get rave reviews with cheaper, faster, and better shipping.

Upgrade to ShipStation today to get a 60-day free trial at shipstation.com/slash bad friends.

There's no credit card or contract required, and you can cancel anytime.

That's shipstation.com slash bad friends.

Cash app.

Hey, man.

I want to feel safe when I'm transferring money.

And I didn't feel safe.

I used a competitive app years ago, and I got hacked.

Yeah.

Okay.

And that was so annoying because someone was renting a boat in Florida, and my bank was like, Are you in Florida?

I was like, No, I'm in LA.

Well, I needed that boat, dude.

You did need that boat.

No, and thanks to Cash App, they have high, high-end security that keeps you and your money safe, that protects you the way you deserve.

When you get the Cash App card, not only do you get access to a ton of perks like benefits, exclusive early access to nationwide concerts, pre-sales, or discounts on popular brands, but you also have extra security with the power to instantly lock or unlock your card right from your phone in one tap.

I wish I had that.

Turn on your security lock in your Cash App settings now to keep your account and your information safer than ever and pay attention to scam warnings if sending money to someone new.

With Cash App, you can spend, save, and live your life knowing your money is right where you left it with advanced built-in security, protections you count on, and help when you need it.

Spend with peace of mind today and order a Cash App card in the app or at cash.app slash card.

For a limited time only, our new Cash App customers can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash.

For real, just download Cash App, use our exclusive referral code, secure 10 in your profile, send $5 to a friend within 14 days, and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account.

Terms apply.

That's money.

That's Cash App.

Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank, banking services provided by Cash App's Bank Partners, prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank member FDIC.

Instant discounts provided by Cash App, a block incorporated brand.

Visit cash.app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures.

Is your hair wet or just greasy?

Wet.

Let's go to the shower.

Okay.

You look good, though.

Look at the lettuce on the kit.

H, don't, don't get defensive.

He's doing all right.

Ask you a fucking question, man.

Your hair looks good, too.

Looks nice.

I wonder if you feel like.

It does.

You cut it.

It looks stylish.

Introduce our fucking guest.

And you look Kevin Ryan H.

Foley from Are You Garbage.

Ladies and gentlemen, Are You Garbage is in the house?

Stay back, friends.

Thank you.

Love the chair.

Happy to be here.

Do you like the chair?

Hate the chair.

Why do you hate the chair?

Because I'm a fat pig.

I feel like Biggie.

This is what Biggie felt like his whole career.

Give me the loot.

Give me the loot.

That's the one phrase he knows.

I'm not kidding.

He says that every week.

It's the only thing I know.

That's great.

Because that came off quick.

I was like, damn, Bobby's a

why do you say mean, diminutive stuff about yourself?

Yeah, dude.

I'm all fatty.

You're successful now.

You feel, you feel, are you bigger than you were before?

I'm actually going on the way down.

I started Zepbound, what, six weeks ago?

What's it called?

Zepbound.

Zep Bound.

Yeah.

Is it like Ozen Picker?

I'm in Wilgov.

Yeah, me too.

You are?

You are?

I'm down 40 pounds.

What do you mean?

You always look good, though.

I've never seen it.

I was super

up.

Really?

Yeah, my.

I'm down 30.

I'm down 30.

You look great.

You're down 30.

Can you see?

Yeah.

I told you that as soon as I came in, the hair looks good.

You look thin.

Look Hollywood.

You're 35 pounds.

This guy's got off now.

35 pounds.

30, 30.

Yeah, thanks.

What would you get the biggest where you were at?

Probably 250.

Shut the fuck up.

Wow.

How tall are you?

Five?

Yeah, probably 5'11?

Probably right smidge under 6.

What?

Wow.

250?

That was big.

Okay, as many times as...

Boozing a lot.

Boozing, eating good food.

It's like, you know.

You have the roundest eyes I've ever seen.

Thanks, bud.

You?

Not so much.

Yeah.

Zingers!

Bring them out!

Bring them out!

And fully, your eyes are pretty Asian-y.

Really?

To me,

it's more Japanese.

It's more Ronin.

Okay.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like a bigger samurai.

I like that.

Yeah, yeah.

I will say

if you gain weight, it does smush your eyes a little bit.

When you lose some fucking weight, those things are going to be big.

Big

eyes.

Are you thinking about getting the injection?

What do you mean, injection?

Oh, no, I mean, you're already on it?

I'm on it, yeah.

Is it the same thing as Ozempic and no, it's different.

The side effects aren't as bad.

And

yeah, it's just.

Zepbound is a brand new prescription medication.

Tirzepatide used for chronic weight.

Okay, let's go down to, let's see what

the side effects are.

Generally considered safe when used as a directed, but comes with the potential side effects: nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, constipation.

You already have all these things.

You got all that stuff to begin with.

You know, that's hot.

And it made me gay.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no shit.

Yeah, it's awesome.

Yeah.

I like it.

And then you guys are sharing hotel rooms.

Fatigue and hair loss.

You got a lot of lettuce.

Who cares?

You're fine.

The constipation I have a problem with.

Brutally.

Yeah, yeah.

Brutal.

It's brutal.

Metamusil for it.

Yeah.

The combat.

They'll be good three days.

Remember that I celebrated it?

Oh, yeah.

No.

Yeah, three days.

Three days.

And I sent you a poop photo.

Yeah, it was nice.

Yeah, it was a celebration.

Saved it, printed it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the kind of relationship we have.

You get clogged up?

On this, not so bad.

The Ozempic, it was brutal.

It was like I was getting chemo.

That's why I had to stop.

Did you throw up too?

Oh, I was throwing up.

The Ozempic was awful.

Awful.

Noxious.

You're on it too, huh?

Same.

Buddy, I don't have a fucking one side effect.

I'm humming.

It's great.

On Zepbound or on.

Zepbound.

You guys are both on it.

You guys are sponsored by it.

Do a read real fast into the camera.

Are you a fat piece of shit?

Do you have no self-control?

You want to see your dick look a little bit bigger?

Get on Zipbound.

I ain't done.

Does your dick look bigger?

No, same size.

Really?

You don't get it.

There's no more life in it?

30 pounds, 25 pounds came out of my penis.

I had a very thick penis.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry to hear.

It was like a spam can.

You can't change that.

You know what I mean?

That's

genetics.

No, as you lose weight, it looks bigger.

Mine's starting to look a little bigger.

You've seen that Sydney Sweeney commercial.

He's like, my jeans, my genes are Asian.

You know, I don't like it.

Fuck you.

Yeah, I don't like what we're doing right now.

I'm not making fun of you.

I got a small piece myself.

Hey, I got a lot of people.

I don't have a small piece.

That's the thing.

That's the thing.

Me neither.

Wait.

I don't have one.

That's the thing.

I know, yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

For my body structure,

very good.

Okay.

Like, you know, like Spud Webb.

Okay.

Your dick can jump high.

I'm just saying.

There's no choice.

Obviously, Spud Webb is not going to have Shaquille O'Nees.

He is.

Yes, he is.

Historically, you've never heard of this?

This guy has a fucking pipe.

It fell out of his shorts one time when he was dunking.

The confidence you need to jump that high is a little guy.

Yeah, I don't know.

How tall was Spud Webb?

He's a big one.

5'6.

5'6.

5'6.

Wow.

God, what a demand, huh?

He was great.

Twitter's been feeding me a lot of Asian porn lately.

I don't know why.

Twitter's feeding Asian porn porn.

All right, man.

He's obsessed that there's like full-blown porn on Twitter.

It's crazy.

He's like all over.

You know, there's porn on the internet.

I know, but something about Twitter, it's too many.

Why do you like it so much?

You think just because it's like you're reading about news and disaster shit, and then you get off to a little Asian football?

I don't know.

It's awesome.

I love it.

What's your favorite kind?

Of porn?

Yeah.

Of Asian?

Of Asian?

Yeah.

Japanese.

Japanese Korean.

Japanese goes number one?

Of course.

In terms of porn.

Japanese is always number one.

Everybody knows.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Japanese girls?

Super.

Anime, anime, anime.

Japanese has always been number one.

They've been number one forever.

Then Pre-Pop's making a move, though.

Yeah, it is making a move.

Not good enough.

That girl, Rose, is beautiful.

The singer, Rose.

You know what I'm talking about?

Why are you looking at me?

Like, Like, I know everything?

Like, he's a fucking expert in every Japanese porn star.

Yeah, yeah.

What is it called?

Rose What?

Her name's Rose.

She does the song with

Bruno Mars.

Oh.

Appeta.

Bobby, you don't know this?

Yeah.

Oh, she's gorgeous.

You like her?

Gorgeous.

Gorgeous.

Great singer, too.

Would you leave your wife for her?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Throw it all away, right?

Nice.

We can really throw it.

Kevin, how about you?

What?

No.

No.

No.

You're not going to leave your wife for Rose?

No.

Number one go.

And of course I wouldn't.

Oh, my God.

Teda Swift.

What, Kev?

What?

You wouldn't?

I wouldn't.

No, no, no, no.

You don't like Asian girls?

No, I do like Asian.

I used to.

I've dated in Asian.

It's the top thing we talked about before, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, white's number one on your list, isn't it?

You always say keep it white.

That's what he says.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Keep it white, baby.

Yeah.

You're married to a white.

I'm married to a white.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

She's a good-looking.

She's a good-looking girl.

Yeah, I'm not questioning that.

I'm questioning the racism.

He just did the Trump thing.

She's a good-looking.

She's very good-looking.

Look at her.

She's good.

What's been going on with the dogs?

I haven't seen you guys in a long time.

On tour, running around.

On tour, the back-on-the-block tour.

Getting by is what we're doing.

What are you talking about?

You guys are cruising.

We're getting by.

Rough summer.

Rough summer.

Why'd you tour in the summer?

We didn't tour in the summer.

We were off.

Kippie had a baby.

Oh, congratulations.

The first one?

Yeah, first one.

Oh, my God.

The white person, too.

Let's guess the name.

Yeah.

We'll do that.

Donovan.

That's really good.

A big McNab guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Chat.

That is so you're attacking my whiteness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, because you're an artist, so it's an artist.

Yeah, it's going to be a little artistic.

I call a guy fat for a little bit.

Yeah, yeah.

And only I used to be able to.

Yeah.

You call him fat.

I do the Asian thing.

Devin.

It's fat.

Devin.

Kevin and Devin.

Kevin's good.

Yeah.

What is it?

What?

The baby's name.

Marcus.

Marcus.

No, we went with Dan.

Dan.

Daniel.

Dan?

Daniel.

Daniels.

You went with Dan?

Danielsi.

Why?

He was going going to go with Earthquake.

I don't know.

I ain't never met a bitch named Kyla Lisa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Mr.

Pat?

I mean, was that a hard struggle to come up with Daniel?

Irish.

Irish.

It's an old Irish fucking shit.

That's how we do it.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's how we do it.

That's some Irish pig shit.

But it's not like I'm going to fucking name my kid Chong.

Should.

Chong Li.

Ching and Chong would be amazing.

Good name.

Good boy.

Strong lad.

It's a family name.

You're going to do this whole fucking game where people are like, he's in the the top birth percentile of his all that bullshit.

He's a big fan of the business.

He's already.

See, I know.

That's what they do.

He's 99.

He's 99.

Well, let me guess the weight.

The weight was

him?

415.

The weighted Dan, your baby.

Went full term.

At born?

At born?

I don't remember.

I don't know any of the numbers.

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't remember.

Fuck.

But H, when you look at the baby,

do you feel like does it look like you?

No.

Yeah.

Don't look at me.

Does it feel like, do you love the baby?

I mean, he's your best friend, right?

One of your best friends.

I love the baby.

Yeah.

Adorable Irish baby.

So if Kevin passed away,

would you?

I always love coming to talk to these guys.

No, I love it.

Would you take care of a good time?

He wouldn't let me.

So who's the godfather?

Don't you have a godfather?

Not yet.

You got to pick somebody.

It's got to be A.

Will.

It's got to be.

I got to.

I'm going to be in my nuts.

No, no, no, no.

He's got to be.

Let me push for A.

No, he's got to be as nice.

No, I would love to hear this.

Please state your case, Mr.

Mr.

What?

You were going to say something.

Go ahead.

Well, Chong, or whatever that is.

No,

Bobby Lee, my good dear friend.

Okay.

I don't know your brother, so this is tough.

He's on the superfentanyl we were talking about earlier.

Would you give me your kid if you passed away?

I mean, he would be first in line.

Yeah, he's not him.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

My relationship with him, you don't have the same relationship with H?

I do.

But I'm not Andrew.

That would be like...

I don't even know what that means.

What is going on with that?

That would be like if Andrew left him.

If possible,

you could.

I would.

Yeah, Andrew would leave.

I would leave my kid with him.

I leave my kid with him.

Okay.

Yeah, and he would be my godfather.

I would leave my kid with him, but not the other way.

Yeah, so what's your fucking problem?

Because he has better prospects.

Yeah.

And I'm an idiot.

I'm a moron.

You're my only prospect.

You're not a moron, buddy.

There's no chance.

I don't know.

It seems like they're turning against me.

You don't seem like a

moron.

You're not a moron, dude.

Of course, name me a state and city in Kansas.

And see, the question is confusing.

That's a bit of a trick question.

Yeah, yeah.

Kansas City.

Yeah, exactly.

Boom.

Boom, bomb.

Capital of California.

Fuck.

It's not L.A.

It's

an F.

Stop.

Sacramento.

There it is.

There we go.

Capital.

You know what?

Take my baby.

Thanks, buddy.

I knew that's all it took.

I would want that, but no, it would be bad.

Do you have kids?

You don't have kids.

No kids.

No kids.

Ask me a question.

What is the capital of Pennsylvania?

Pittsburgh.

No.

Oh, fuck.

Do you know?

Name something that comes with hot pot.

Hot pot?

Yeah.

Potatoes.

Pretty good.

Very thank you.

That's actually very funny.

We tried this one time.

We did the Are You Smarter than the Fifth Grader.

We lost every single day.

We failed every fucking question.

Yeah, we did it on Patreon.

But are you guys college graduates?

Yeah.

I went to Temple University.

That's a good school.

What about you?

I flunked out sophomore year.

God is good.

Where?

Widener University.

Shout out to him.

Played football.

Hey.

Widener?

Yeah, Widener's awesome.

All right.

You know it?

I went to Skinnier.

Our rivals.

I hate the game past.

We beat you guys all the time.

You could never catch them.

The game's over, I guess.

No, I went to Arizona State, dude.

I'm a fucking

Dumbo Bumbo.

Yeah, it's a big Dumbo Bumbum.

People always say that.

That's Arizona.

I think they're awesome schools.

No, wow, they're fun.

Hot checks.

Doesn't the one have like a lazy river?

That was like always the biggest.

It was a great rumor.

And they also said 90% acceptance rate.

Let's go.

That's pretty good.

Can you check Temple Universities?

Yeah, it's got to be like 30.

I bet you under 50.

No, it's

really?

They claim they have like 500,000 students.

They have like the biggest.

Oh, you're just as high as us.

Wow.

Hey, what school has the highest acceptance rate?

Do that.

I want to know what that is.

Let's take a guess.

My guess would be Florida State.

Yeah.

It's got to be a state state.

No, but it's like

Penn State, maybe.

No, they just have so many.

Oh, yeah.

College of Staten Island.

Yeah.

Oh, SUNY.

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

SUNY is

98% rate.

University of Mississippi is sided with a 98%.

So everyone could go to Mississippi.

If I was denied at Dixie University,

am I

killing myself?

No.

No, he didn't go to college.

I went to nothing.

Why would he need to?

Look at this, huh?

Yeah.

I'm a brainiac, dude.

Ask me anything.

I was already

potatoes, hot pop.

Weren't you already working like right after high school?

Yeah, in a sweatshop, yeah, making Nikes.

Is that what you're saying?

In fact, yeah, he made those.

I made those.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those are a little.

I got some notes for you.

No, you were already cruising in entertainment a little bit.

No, no, no.

I started at 23.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah.

No,

from high school to 23, no future, almost die.

Damn.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because

I had no future.

I had no idea what I was going to do.

You guys got six guys on the road with you.

What are you talking about?

Videographer, producer, videographer.

Manager?

Yeah, we got a guy, Diops, we call him, director of operations.

He gave himself that title.

Pretty much drives the van and stuff.

Nah, he's our boy, Ryan D.

Carlos.

He's great.

We got him.

We got

two openers and a producer.

Two opener.

Comics that we might know or know.

Yeah, Colin Chamberlain and Sam Rubinoff.

Oh, no.

Just right now.

New York guys.

Colin Chamberlain and Sam Rubinoff.

Colin works with Jessica Kerset a lot.

And Sam is Jewish.

Yes.

Sam is Jewish.

You got to have one.

You're operating in LA.

You got to have a Jew.

Trust me, I know.

Do you guys do the bus when you're on the road or no?

We have.

We've done the bus.

Fuck that.

I kind of like the bus.

You don't like it?

We'll never do that shit ever again.

We love it.

This guy had night terrors every fucking night.

You got a bad hang.

I loved it.

No, dude, I'd rather just go to the hotel, get a nice hotel.

I get that.

I get that.

You don't like waking up in the new city?

No,

I like waking up in a nice hotel bed instead of listening to this guy scream bloody murder every fucking night and then him up till 5:30 playing video games and peeing every day.

Yeah, yeah, he does.

Top eight.

I poo in the

poo to the bus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rule number one.

That's not the bus.

That's the squad.

You guys got to fucking step it up a little bit.

Yeah.

Nah, honestly, fuck this whole team.

You don't know.

You got a weak crew.

My favorite is with Bert, being on the bus with Bert.

Well, he's got nine buses.

I sleep like a baby when he's.

I almost died.

Remember, I fell off the fucking bunk.

Yeah, Mexico.

You guys did that tour with him?

No, no, no.

We weren't on that, but I've

made Nash.

That was National Headline.

I saw that on fucking.

Well, he posted about it so he could cancel shows.

Unfortunately, probably we will not be performing tonight.

I'll be back in 2026.

What the fuck happened?

I cut to my ribs.

All right, so I was on the top bunk.

It was pitch black like three in the morning.

Which he shouldn't be in the first place.

Now you're a bottom bunk guy.

Oh, I also asked people.

I'm a bottom bunk guy.

I asked people, hey, can I get the bottom?

I have little legs.

That's all I'm saying.

They're like, no, I claimed it.

That's fucked up.

Like bullshit.

Who else is ordering shame on you?

Yeah.

So I'm on the top bunk.

All right.

It's pitch black.

I don't know where.

We're in the middle of the south somewhere.

Driving, right?

I open up the curtain, right?

And I have to go to the bathroom.

So

I take my hand, but I can't see it to brace myself on the opposite side of the other bunk,

the ledge, and I miss it.

And I fall forward and I hit my mouth on the fucking thing.

This guy thinks he's going to reach across the bus.

These arms are like a foot long.

Jeez, got T-Rex arms.

Did anybody wake up?

What?

Anybody wake up?

No one woke up, and I was on the ground, knocked unconscious.

They woke up.

They were like, You got knocked out?

Yeah, and I and there was just blood everywhere.

So I go to the front of the bus, I sit there, and I go to the driver, and I go, I think I need to go hoshbury.

And he goes, no, man, we're seven hours away.

I'm bleeding.

I think I need stitches.

No, seven hours, dude.

And I start testing Burr.

Everybody, no one replies.

Everyone's asleep.

Yeah, I'm just sitting there just in a pool of blood for like hours.

It was fucking terrible.

Crazy.

Get a paper towel, put some ice on it.

Suck it.

I did all that.

What do you think, dude?

Did you need stitches?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you did.

Ooh, that's a bunch of stitches.

Three.

You got three.

I knew a bunch was a big thing.

Wait, wait, what do you mean?

Well, he said you didn't get 15.

You got three.

I got a lot.

Three.

More.

No,

what's it saying?

The lawsuit.

What?

45 stitches, broken neck.

And you know what was great?

And this is Bert and you know, the whole team.

Leanne.

Leanne.

Yeah, the whole team.

The squad.

Love the squad.

Love the squad.

The squad.

And they were like, you know, obviously go home, but they paid me for the gigs.

Great.

Which is so cool.

That's what he liked the most.

Every time we go on tour, he's going to fall off the bunk.

Oh, I can't put a phone.

That's getting off cheap.

They're probably worried you're going to fucking.

I would never do it.

Even if I died, I wouldn't do it.

Not the Burton Leanne.

There's other people we love them so much.

Not that.

You can't sue them.

You can't meet better people.

No, they're probably two of the best people I've ever met.

Leanne.

Oh, my, come on.

She's just awesome.

Yeah, she's very.

You you know what's so funny, though, the bus thing, our driver, and that was awesome.

That guy was a fucking lunatic.

We had a lunatic.

Mega Man, what the fuck was his nickname?

He had like a, he was like a superhero nickname.

One night I wake up because the bus is like,

you know, this, and I'm like, dude, what's going on?

I walk up there and I pop up the curtain open.

You know what I mean?

I pop off the buttons.

This motherfucker is going off on his wife.

Do you remember this?

He's yelling at this dude.

That's awesome.

He's like, that's what I fucking said.

And he's yelling into his head set mic.

And so I was like,

he's wide awake.

So I clipped the button back on, went back and laid.

I thought he might be dozing.

That dude's not going to sleep for six or more hours.

No, I was locked in.

We'll see you later, Salt Lake City.

We'll be there.

Fucking bitch.

I hated it, though.

We had one that broke down.

We did like Route 66.

We had one that broke down and barely made the gig, like pulled in as, like, you know.

Oh, no, see?

It was, we had to sleep on the bus just parked in Tulsa or something like that.

In a sketch, like behind the venue, because he couldn't get the bus started.

Did you guys go to Memphis by any chance?

Nah.

We'll never

bring up Memphis.

I fucking hated it.

It was PTSD.

Like the venue, like the show.

We tanked shit in a way we've never bombed so hard.

That just happened.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The city of Memphis is also a big shit.

It's a special kind of bomb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Recently?

Yeah.

A couple years ago.

Two years ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, it was so bad.

We were on the Elvises.

We were on Graceland.

We played fucking the Graceland stages.

And we're thinking, this is the best.

Dude, we're at the fucking LA.

Lay up.

Dude, nope.

Tank shit.

And then we were also like, can we go get something to eat?

And they're like, I don't recommend it.

Yeah.

It's not the nicest area.

And I was like, well, we're hungry.

That was the room.

You guys don't have bad gigs?

Yeah, no.

Yeah, every once in a while.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Worst gig.

So what's the city that you're?

They're not going to name a city.

No, that you tanked the hardest in.

On a tour, what was that?

Where were we?

Oh, it was that one that we pulled into.

It wasn't Salt Lake, somewhere down there in the southwest.

Like a Denver-ish kind of town.

But in, I think, Arizona.

What was Phoenix?

Phoenix.

Peace Peace out.

Flagstaff.

Flagstaff.

Flagstaff.

Yeah, it is.

We fucking, I mean, it was like

Flagstaff on a Wednesday.

Fucking sold light.

Is that the venue?

That was the one we played.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Flagstaff got you.

It was just, and it wasn't, and like, it was soft.

It was one of those things they ended up, like, they had a good time, and, like, but we just.

I can tell you our fans in Memphis did not have a good time.

Not with us.

We just didn't love it.

Flag's also pretty beautiful.

A lot of people, a lot of whites like to go up there and get married and shit.

It's beautiful.

A lot of cash out there.

one thing we did do to circumvent the bus because the one the bus is very circumvent what does that mean go around okay um

don't use big words around my friend man my apologies being condescending my apologies uh

let us reiterate that stamp's pretty good they had that so they had circumvent up find the way around

uh we bought a we bought a very nice the nicest conversion van we could buy and we kind of use that as the tour bus like runs diops our boy ryan d will drive it out to michigan he'll pick us up at the airport in michigan Michigan, and then that's we're cruising around in that for the week.

Wait, why Michigan?

Or like wherever the runs are.

Oh, I was like, Yeah, you guys aren't living.

Are you guys living in New York?

Where do you live?

Queens.

Queens, kids.

Both of you?

No, I got a Manhattan.

You're not getting that?

Naming Island.

Yeah, you're not getting that Austin itch, huh?

Nah.

The heat would kill me.

Yeah, true.

Genuinely, yeah.

That'd be killed.

You guys dread being here?

Not at bad friends, but in L.A.

I love L.A.

I don't have any of that shit that other people do.

That's what I like about you.

I don't like it.

It's, you know, it's not it.

Hey, Droop Droop.

The check please.

What's up, Droop Droop?

I love it.

Yeah,

I don't hate it.

I'm not one of those guys.

I just don't love it.

It's just not.

I enjoy my time out here.

I like seeing my friends.

I get it.

We got a fucking very nice house in the hills.

We're having a big, the whole thing.

Ooh, you rented a crib for the kids.

What are we talking about?

Nice.

Nice property.

Good place to ODA.

Airbnb?

Airbnb

looked it up on Zillow $6.5 million.

How long are you in town for?

But let me get that right.

Let me say it again.

Circumvent.

Circumvent.

How long are you guys in town for?

Until Thursday.

Yeah, we were here Saturday to Thursday.

We called

an answer.

Yeah, he loves taking people to dinner.

I was looking for your car in the parking lot to see what you were whipping around.

I don't drive anymore, man.

Not after the accident.

What accident?

You don't hear about his accident?

It was died.

No.

Yeah, dude.

Is that true?

I hit it.

I hit it.

You're fucking with me.

No, dude.

I hit a couple.

Look at my eye.

My eyes all fucked up.

I hit a couple.

That was a pink guy.

I've seen that all four.

It wasn't his fault.

It wasn't his faith.

It wasn't his fault, though.

Well, I mean, I was drinking, but it was.

All right.

no, it's not funny.

Why would you joke about it?

No, I shouldn't

joke about it.

I mean,

he almost died, dude.

No, yeah, dude.

It's in fucking Hollywood Reporter.

Hollywood Reporter brought up.

Pull it up.

Let's see if that's it.

That's my ticket there from the hospital.

Yep.

Holy shit.

It was really bad, dude.

It was really bad.

Did you get knocked out?

Yeah, dude.

I was there for three days at the hospital.

It was fine.

I remember anything for almost a week.

Yeah.

Almost a week, like five.

Who was this?

Dude, he was hooked up with machines.

It was in the house.

A month and a half ago.

He's lying.

No, dude.

He's lying.

You know what?

Let me see the holiday.

Pull it up.

No, no, no.

I want to heard this.

We are going to pull it up, but here's already.

Once they type it.

No, no, no.

No, what I'm going to say.

The domain.

Hey, Kevin, will you listen?

Nope.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Okay.

I got excited.

Right now, you have sad eyes.

You just complimented him.

But I know, but they're drooping.

They're sad, and I don't like it.

He's tired.

So what I'm going to say is, before we look it up, I want to say this, all right?

Already, will you look at me right now?

I'm not done talking.

Go.

All right.

We told you a fact

and you doubted it.

That's right, yeah.

Sure.

Which means there's division between our teams.

That's right, yeah.

Right?

We're not cohesive.

No, we're just not suckers.

Yeah.

We know what you two are up to.

We lie all the time.

There you go.

Comedier Andrew Santino formerly said that he crashed his Kia Sorento.

The incident appears to have been minor.

2001.

2021.

It was a 2021 Kia Sorento.

That's wrong.

He's been in the hospital for three, four, five years.

And I was there every day.

I was only there for three days out of those four years, dad.

That was one of my my favorite bits.

I always kept saying, I got guys.

People fucking, for some reason,

if you said you got in a car accident, you're like, yeah, dude, I crashed my old Kia Sorrento.

People are like, damn.

Like, they buy it right away.

You don't know why the car validates the accident.

I was going to make fun of you for driving IKEA.

I was a Kia.

What do you drive, flashy guy?

I drive that.

You live in Queens.

You don't have a car.

Do you have a car?

Yeah, I got a Jeep.

Okay.

Oh, so just better than IKEA?

Hot shot?

Yeah.

I have a question.

Bobby, are you dating anybody?

Can you talk about that or no?

Okay, good.

No, no, no, no.

I'm absorbing what you're asking.

Uh-huh.

And I'm going to answer you properly.

Okay.

Yes, I am.

Okay.

Yeah, great.

Yeah.

I'm getting a lot of shit because they're white women.

Okay.

Okay.

They're all white women.

So you're dating casually.

You're not allowed to do that.

All the white women shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's cool.

And my Asian

friends and family are going, what's up, dude?

Really?

Yeah.

And I'm like, those are the ones that like me.

Who would your friends and family say, what?

What's up, dude?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Mexican?

No, that's.

Some of them, yeah.

Yeah, some of them.

Yeah.

No, but they go.

Do other Asian celebrities give you shit for that kind of stuff?

They don't talk to him.

No?

No,

like, you look at Stephen Yoon.

He's a nice Asian woman.

John Cho, nice Asian woman.

I just, I can't.

What's your problem?

Because those Asian women find me to be unclean, which I'm not.

A very clean man.

Excuse me?

You're a very clean man.

Yeah, but people think, but based on my online presence or whatever, that I'm a dirty fucker, right?

The booger eating and stuff like that.

The booger eating and stuff like that.

Well,

have you not?

Of course.

Yeah, exactly.

I've never done it.

Me either.

Never once.

You've eaten your boogers.

I've eaten my boogers when I was a

booger man.

Not interested.

Yeah.

What about touching your butthole?

If it comes out, it doesn't go back in.

That's how I feel.

When's the last time you touched your butthole?

Bare finger.

I had a stint.

I had a run.

I had a run.

I got over it.

You know what I mean?

Not sexually, just touching it.

What?

Not sexually?

Yeah.

Oh, I was talking about sexually.

What do you mean?

Just touching my butthole just for in passing or whatever.

A little boop.

No, no, no, no.

He loves it.

Bobby, what about you?

I'll do it now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not afraid of it.

It's sexually fine.

Yeah, if you're playing with a toy, but I mean, you know what I mean?

If you're having fun.

You've done that with toys on?

You should see the size of the thing I put in my ass.

Show him the thing I put in my ass.

Yeah, right.

He's lying.

He's got it.

He's got it.

It's unbelievable the size of this fucking ass.

I wouldn't have suspected that.

My man, I like that.

You don't know what do you know?

I'm gay.

Are you?

What?

Shut up.

How long have you known me?

Yeah, that thing.

I put that in the ass.

Whoa!

Man, can I borrow that thing?

Holy shit.

No, you're married.

I've met your wife, haven't I?

So you think.

Oh, you've met my beard.

Nice.

Yeah.

I'm seeing a couple of guys right now, but none of that.

Nothing serious.

Nothing sticking.

No, yeah, I've never touched my butthole unsexually.

Really?

What are you doing with it?

I don't know.

Making sure it's there?

Just crossing that line and touching my butthole.

Yeah.

I have a difficult time committing right now.

To your butthole?

To your butthole?

Yeah.

Really?

It moves.

What do you mean, relationship-wise?

It vibrates.

Huh?

It goes like that.

Your butthole does?

Yeah, yeah.

And I don't like it.

It's sassy.

Jeez.

No, in terms of a woman.

Yeah, you're playing the field.

You're having fun.

I'm playing the field.

I want to find.

You're dating.

No, I want to find.

I want to find.

I want to fall in love.

No, stop that.

You don't?

You went through that.

How'd that turn out?

Get out of here.

I know, but enjoy yourself.

I know, but I'm ready again, I think.

No,

that's your mistake.

I'm ready.

Get back up on those

do it.

I think I'm going to go.

Bobby, fall in love with yourself.

That's how you fall in love with your gay.

Nah, fuck that.

Let him fall in love with a woman.

No.

Yeah, I don't know if I love it.

It won't marry now.

Yeah, for sure.

How happy are you?

You got a boy?

Yeah, very.

Are you fucking amped?

Yeah.

Are you nervous?

Yeah, it's crazy.

I'm still nervous.

I don't know.

Did you do a gender reveal thing?

You did one of these things?

Nah.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda, did.

Would have been fun to do.

Did you?

Have you done that?

No, I don't have any kids.

You don't?

No, but if I did, I think I would do the gender reveal, but I do it real trick real crazy.

And then I blow it up.

You know what I mean?

You do a golf ball.

You do the golf ball.

That's what you got to do.

No, no, I'd, you know, like light a boat on fire, color of the smoke.

You know what I mean?

You're extravagant, something obnoxious.

Are you guys gonna have kids?

Do you want to have kids?

We can have kids.

No kids.

No, we tried.

Yeah, it doesn't.

You see fucking around.

Thanks for bringing that up.

It can't go through the butthole for some reason.

I don't even know why.

It's not a loop.

I know we thought it was a loop, but it's not a loop.

No, we tried.

We can't do it.

You being serious?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I tried to adopt, maybe.

Would you want to do that?

Yeah, but a white Slav.

You know, a little white Slavic baby?

They're giving those are pretty adoptable right now.

Not a little Asian kid?

A lot of white Slavs.

Little Asian kid?

I got a little Asian kid.

Hey, buddy.

I have one.

If I was going to adopt,

yeah, I mean, I think that's a whole nother thing.

Like, I have friends that were adopted, and that's a whole nother set of things that come along with it.

Sure.

So I might, but I don't know.

I'm just not sure.

The good thing about adoption is you got time.

You know what I mean?

Like, I don't have to.

Do whatever.

Yeah, I do whatever.

You're not fighting a biological class.

There's always a kid wanting to be adopted.

Maybe.

Seriously, maybe.

I'd like to adopt a kid that's like 17.

Give him one good year.

An athlete.

Get an athlete.

Yeah, dude.

You know what I mean?

Get him up to Shamanade, one of those high schools.

If you adopted a kid and years later, they want to find their biological family.

Yeah, that's what's tough.

Would that hurt?

Depends if they would that hurt your feelings?

No, if the adoption is open or closed, right?

Some of them are.

Even if it was closed, they're like, you know what, dad,

you're a great dad.

I mean, even though

you're so angry sometimes.

But anyway,

you know, I'm going to look for my biological family.

Is that okay?

Yeah, that's good.

Go back to China.

Is that what you want?

Hold on, Bob.

Go back to China.

I'll send you right back.

I'll put you in the box that you came in.

That's what I'm going to do with this attitude.

And I'll send you right back.

You'll be on the bottom of a Hyundai trailer.

See that attitude you're doing right now?

That's the reason why I want to find my biological parents because this is not the way you talk to me.

Wait, hang on.

You're the only kid I know that didn't get into Mississippi State.

How about that?

Back to China.

Hang on.

So the kid you would adopt would be.

The kid that you would adopt would be a bad actor?

Is that what's going on here?

What was that accent?

What?

What was that accent?

You're better than that.

No, no.

Cleveland, dude.

Yeah, that is outside of Cleveland.

Well, let me do it it again.

I was a kid.

Do Australian.

No, no, no.

No, do Australian.

Yeah, I adopted an Australian kid.

Or do British.

I'll give you that.

Make it easy.

Cockney.

Datte?

Cockney?

That's not Cockney.

Cockney, brother.

He's not getting dialects.

Datte?

Yes, son.

I want to find my biological family.

Oh, they're in China.

I told you that.

I thought I was British, Datte.

Well, you are.

You're a British Chinese kid.

You do a kid then.

Don't do it.

Yeah, don't.

We're your gay parents.

We adopted you.

This is a fantasy we play out all the time.

Yeah, there's a fantasy.

You're 18 years old now, and you're telling us.

Telling you what?

I'm gay.

And I want to all hook up?

Sure.

That's the kind of porn I like, by the way.

Step parents' porn?

Very nice.

I did see on TikTok today a montage of kids coming out to their parents and their parents being so supportive.

It made me cry.

Oh, that's awesome.

Was there any one not supportive, though?

That's not the montage I saw, but it's a funny one.

That was my favorite one.

What?

Yeah, no!

Not in my house.

That's crazy when that happens when you hear that shit.

Oh, dude.

How could somebody, not even that, that kicked them out?

Oh, I can't believe that.

How much of a fucking thing?

I had a buddy when I first moved to LA.

This guy that I met, his parents sent him to Prayaway the Gay Camp.

Oh, that's crazy shit.

Yeah, dude.

But it made him more gay.

Yeah, I hear those twice hot as shit.

Yeah, it's awful.

It's like there was nothing, they were never going to fix anything.

And his mom used to say wild shit.

She'd come.

We lived in the same complex.

His mom would come and visit.

And she'd be like,

how come he can't get a pretty girl like the girl you're dating?

And I had to fucking keep up the lie.

I was like, I think he loves being single.

Oh, really?

She didn't know.

No, they fucking.

They're just in denial.

Yeah, sure.

Sheer denial.

But don't parents know?

You would think.

You can usually smell a gay in your house.

Yeah, I was just like, Dad, dad.

Sure.

Yeah.

You ever go to your friend's house and they're like, this is my son Riley?

He's like, hello.

You're like, uh-oh.

I thought his parents already knew.

Do you like dancing, Riley?

Yeah, I think they know from a young age.

Yeah, of course, you know.

I'd just be like, yeah, I know that already, kid.

Yeah.

Big your beads.

What if your son came to you and said, dad, I think I'm gay.

What do you say?

I'd be okay with it.

Yeah.

Great.

Yeah.

Would you be disappointed at all?

I'd start calling my daughter, but short.

No, I'm kidding.

No, I mean, I think, I don't know.

I'm three months in.

It'd be weird if he did, you know, if he told me no.

Oh, it's coming, five months.

That's what they do.

Five months.

Maybe it was like,

gay, good.

So stupid, dude.

I like that.

You start sitting in the chapel road.

Yeah, I don't know.

I would be fine.

You'd have to be fine.

You don't have it all.

Yeah, you'd have to fight.

I'm a progressive guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course.

My best friend's gay.

Right.

Sure.

On the weekends, sometimes.

You never tried.

What?

You never tried to flip the other side of the menu as Charlie Shaw.

Great line.

We were talking to discussing that.

Great line.

That whole thing is fantastic.

Doing your show.

Doing your show.

One of the most fun.

I remember doing it and being like oh yeah i want to go to that it'll be fun it'll be cool and then i did it and i was like that's one of the best most inventive podcasts on the internet your rhythm is perfect you guys' relationship is fucking amazing i seeing you guys we love you guys i love you guys

seeing you guys grow and i was also like this is some people take off and you're like wheno you know what i mean when it when it happens to someone you're like yes good yeah that is the go this should be the big thing go go go we love you guys so much everybody in the comedy pod community little sphere has been so great to us And

nobody's jealous.

Nobody's, you know, high tides raise all ships.

Yeah.

And that was an away game.

We want you in the studio in New York.

I got to come to New York.

Yeah, we're going to do it.

I did it.

Both of you.

You did it in the old studio.

You were in the old studio.

You got to come to the new studio.

I know, but

I went to one studio.

I mean, you're excited to take it easy.

I'd love to have you back.

Where's the new studio at?

Tip Town.

Second biggest comedy podcast fail in the city.

That's bigger though.

Seriously?

Bigger than Schultz's.

Yeah.

Wow.

But Schultz's.

Schultz's is way nicer, and his staff is all cool as shit.

And they're all minorities.

You guys have only whites.

That's why I want to go to R.U.

Garbage.

No, we got an Italian guy.

We got an Italian.

We don't eat with him, but you know.

You guys want to promote anything?

Yeah, check out the pod, RU Garbage, wherever we do twice a week, public, and then Patreon as well.

We have a very active Patreon.

And we're on tour right now, back on the block tour.

All tickets available at Rugarbage.com.

It's stand-up, and we play AYG with the crowd.

And we have a special, a Route 66 special, which is a combination of all that.

And we each have half hours on our page.

Go see the kids.

RUGarbage.com is where you can get all that information.

We'll put the link in the description down below for the fans.

We appreciate you guys.

We love you guys.

Thank you for being garbage friends.

Love you.

Thank you for being part of Garbage Pan fans.

And say into that camera at the same time, say thank you for being a bad friend.

Thanks for being a bad friend.

Good boys.