Yellow Peril & Cave Butter

Goldbond knows that every glow up starts with radiant skin.

So choose Goldbond Cocoa Butter Glow for a body lotion that's clinically shown to give you smooth, glowing skin.

But don't just take our word for it.

88% of people who tried Goldbond Cocoa Butter Glow saw glowing skin in just one day.

Goldbond Cocoa Butter Glow.

Nourish your skin.

Reveal your glow.

Buy now on Amazon.

Hey, what's up, bad friends?

I am on tour.

I'm back out on the road.

First up, I do San Francisco.

Sadly, that's sold out.

I think there's a wait list now.

Brea, Southern California, Brea Improv.

Come out and see me, Brea.

Then I'm going to be at the Tempe Improv out there in my old stomping grounds of ASU.

I'm going to be in Hammond, Indiana, right before Thanksgiving.

I'm going to be at Caesars, Windsor, and Ontario, Canada.

Then I'm going to Bethlehem, PA, Hanover, Maryland, Atlantic City at the Borgata.

That's getting close to being sold out.

Valley Center, Harris Casino down in Valley Center, which is near San Diego.

Canyonville, Oregon, over there during Valentine's Day.

and then I'm going to be at the Wind Casino in Las Vegas in March of the new year.

So get your ticket to andrewsantino.com, AndrewSantino.com.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

We're bad friends.

What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man.

Yes, he is.

I went for a hike today, and I had to carry my dog up half of the hill because she's getting old.

Oh, no.

My heart breaks.

It is so funny.

She's getting to the point now where she just lays down when she's over it.

You know, when dogs like sit and they just won't get up because you're like, come on, come on.

She'll just lay down in the dirt.

I was like, please get up and go.

Please, can we go?

And then she just looked up.

I was like, I'll pick you.

How old is she?

36.

Wow, that's good.

That's really good.

She's going to be nine, I think.

So I made the decision.

She's an old dog.

We have a dog named Remy.

Eyes completely white.

You're going to do it, aren't you?

And you're going to put her down?

Okay.

Spine crooked.

Dude, bro, what?

No, but when a dog's eyes significantly, stress or fear when they have...

He's completely blind.

Remy is deaf.

Crooked spine, right?

Won't leave his bed, right?

So the vet said, said,

You guys might want to start thinking about it.

Don't put him down.

And I go,

We're doing Christmas.

We're doing Christmas.

I go, We're doing Christmas.

Put

January, maybe in January.

Put him down on Christmas.

Yeah, but when I told Jules that information two days ago, we all just started crying.

I know.

I don't want to hear it.

What?

You don't want to hear the cry?

I don't want to hear how you cry.

And then, you know what?

And then you start thinking about your other animals because I have seven of them.

They're all going to go.

Yeah, and it's just, it's just devastating.

But we're all going to go.

Yeah.

I want to do that full body scan thing you were talking about.

Yeah, I got to do it too.

Because we know a comic that had that done and they found a little something.

They found a little something in our friend.

I want to do a full body scan.

Carlos, you should do a full body scan.

Yeah.

I just got health insurance this summer.

I'm excited.

Is that the first time you've ever had it?

No, not since I got dropped dropped off my parents like 11 years ago.

Are your parents disappointed in you?

That's what it feels like.

No, I can't.

How could they look back at their lives and you and they go, oh, we're proud?

Yeah.

Because I'm not like, I'm not dead.

Yeah, you didn't die.

Yeah.

I don't work like a...

I'm proud of you.

You are?

Oh, yeah.

The glory holes.

You know what I mean?

That stuff's cool.

Yeah, yeah.

Very good.

The amount of times you've almost died and survived.

I kept this job.

Yeah, that's true.

Is this the longest job you've ever had?

Yeah, 100,000%.

Yeah, dude.

Have Have you thought about quitting ever?

No, never.

I love this job.

You do?

Yeah, I love it.

You got like the fame.

That's not why.

That's why.

That's projecting.

That is projecting.

I don't like the fame.

Oh, you don't.

I don't have get any fame.

I do, but you know what I mean?

Yeah.

I don't bask in it.

Here's how much Bobby hates the fame.

When I said, where'd you go see the movie?

that we're talking about, he goes, the grove.

The most look at me, look at me, look at me location.

The grove of all places to go see a movie.

That's like being like, I went to Universal Studios.

Which I've been to.

I know, it's the busiest.

You love that.

Yeah.

I go to the little quiet, as far away.

No, you go to the hipster one where all the hipsters say, what's up, man, with their fancy mustaches.

I go to Burbank.

No, you don't, dude.

I do.

No, you don't.

I shouldn't say that, but.

You went to Echo Park or something?

No, I go to Burbank.

Where did I go to see this movie?

Yeah.

Lemonley on Sunset, 8,000 Sunset.

Yeah.

That's because I had dinner down there.

And it's the only.

Dude, already, dude, can I just say something?

And it's the only one that had when your lips tighten up, dude, you're starting a fight.

It's because my lips are sunburned.

Oh, okay.

I went to, I usually go to Burbank because I like it.

It's quiet.

And there's four theaters up there.

Have you noticed that they've cut down the Nicole Kidman video?

Yeah, I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of it.

It's too long of a walk.

It's too long of a walk.

Too much talking.

Too much.

Right?

The audience goes a little too haywire for me.

But then Friday night when I saw One One Battle After the Next, it was just one thing she said.

And I was like, that was perfect.

That is good.

The editing.

You know, the scene where they're like, put away your cell phone, da, da, da, and do that thing.

I went down to watch a movie in Englewood.

Yeah.

They run a different pre-roll down.

What is it?

Different pre-roll.

What is it?

They're like, take out your cell phone, turn that shit on.

Text and FaceTime the whole time the movie's going.

It was

as loud as you can.

Vital moment.

Walk out to P4 five more times.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was different though.

Statoriot, start all right, stat all right.

You know what else I'm tired of?

Actually, wait, this reminds me of the first time I went to go see Belly in the movie theater.

Remember Belly?

Bring up Belly.

He probably doesn't even remember Belly.

Look at this movie.

I went to go see this in a tough neighborhood.

Yeah.

And DMX, spoiler alert, DMX gets killed pretty early on.

And a black dude in front of us stands up.

He goes, oh, hell no.

And they walked out.

They wanted DMX in the whole fucking movie.

That's what I do when Michelle Yao dies early.

Oh, hell no.

I go, oh, fuck no.

No, so I'm tired of God, Belly was such a good movie.

The Coca-Cola commercials with the two people.

Yeah, get it, yeah.

Right.

And then all of a sudden they're race car driving.

And then all of a sudden they're dancing.

Yeah.

Right?

And then all of a sudden they're basically just in love on the middle of a New York street and they hit the Cokes together.

I hate that one.

And it has nothing to do with it because they're black.

Okay, good.

It It has nothing to do with it.

If they were white, it would annoy me too.

I don't know.

Maybe it wouldn't.

No.

Well, I met this girl at the comedy store.

It was Thursday.

Okay.

Pretty.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then she was like, then she just kind of made out with me in the hallway.

Just started making out with you.

Well, we talked a little bit, had cigarette, right?

I bought her a drink.

Like the Coke commercial.

Just like the Coke commercial.

And then

we raced cars in front of dancing.

It was crazy.

It's pretty cool.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah.

One battle after another, though.

That's one of the best movies I've seen.

Best movies I've ever seen.

Also underrated as far as comedy goes.

It won't be considered a comedy, but it absolutely is a comedy.

It's an action movie, but it's a comedy for sure.

Yeah, I find Leo, because of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, too, I think he was very funny in that at times.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just think that it's, because he plays it real as well.

It's interesting.

They're funny situations, but he's such a good actor.

And when you play it real,

that's when it's super funny.

He's not like, it's not like a

Will Farrell character that he's supposed to be.

He is just being funny.

Because this one, the situations are very honest, but the reaction is funny.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And Benicia was great in it.

So good.

How old is Benicio Del Toro at this point?

Let's take a guess.

50 something.

I thought maybe almost 60 by now.

60 got to be

62, is my guess.

Do you want to guess, Bob?

Well, I remember when he first came, when he did usual suspects, I was at the Mondrion.

I was a doorman.

But how old was he then?

30?

But he seemed my age, but he was like on fire because it was him and Michael Rappaport were in the Mondrillon.

And I see them like dancing with these hot chicks.

And I remember just sitting there by myself with a Diet Coke,

sipping, going, oh my God,

that's the new Hollywood.

Oh, I want to ask you this.

This is interesting.

These newer theaters, these nicer movie theaters now, it's not just the old school snacks.

The upgrade is crazy.

Crazy.

Bro, they had, we had,

what's it?

Raisinettes.

That's old school.

Fuck.

Let me guess.

Let me guess.

No, no, no.

This is just insane.

They had those high-end

dark chocolate bars with mixed-in raspberry flakes and all that stuff.

And I was like, I'm not getting that the fucking movie theater.

And she was like, let's just get it just with their popcorn.

I can't go back.

Yeah.

The dark milk, the dark chocolate with like the raspberry, like the, you know, like the lint chocolate bars.

You know, those, they had those on display.

They had 10 different flavors.

I was like, come on, get three or four.

How do you get the butter at the bottom of the bucket?

Say it again.

How do you get the butter at the bottom of the bucket?

Well, you're going to think I'm a psychopath.

Because I don't know.

Because I squirt a cup of butter.

I get a side cup for a fountain and I put butter in it.

And I eat the popcorn and I sip the butter.

Like a shock, like a chaser, a chaser.

A chaser, a chaser.

A butter chaser.

It's a butter chaser.

Wow.

But how do you do it?

Do you move?

Sometimes I try to move it.

Huh.

Or you put the butter on top and you do a shake.

Like, what do you do?

How do you get the butter on the bottom?

Do you want my secret?

Yeah.

So you get the bucket.

You can't get the bag.

The bag is an issue, right?

You get the bucket and you go, hey, can you fill that up just below the line?

I know it.

Don't overflow it.

And they fill it up just below the line.

And you go, can I get a second bucket?

I'll pay for it.

Just an empty bucket.

And I put the bucket on top of the bucket and I shake it like a salad.

And then mix it all up.

And I just throw away.

You really do that?

Yeah, I I throw away the second bucket.

Oh, that's ingenious.

It's that or the bucket or the butter shot.

I do a butter shot too.

I'll take a little copper.

Yeah, okay.

Take a little butterback.

Yeah.

A little popcorn butterback.

What kind of butter is it?

It seems like oil.

It's oil butter.

It's oil butter.

Yeah.

Well, it's also been sitting in that vat for about 40 days.

Yeah.

There's no way they clean it.

It's not good for you.

You know that's how I got sick in college, right?

What?

Oh, I got butter.

My buddy Colin and I, I could call him, my buddy Colin and I got food poisoning during finals week of college.

We went to go see a movie with our buddy, Colorado John.

And John was the only guy that didn't eat popcorn.

He's like, nah, I don't want popcorn, man.

And we shared a bucket of popcorn and we got so fucking sick.

How do you get food poisoning from popcorn?

From the butter, the butter spoiled.

From the butter.

The butter spoiled.

The spoiled butter.

The butter spoiled.

Oh my god.

The doctor was like, What did you eat?

I went down the list.

I was like, Dude, I had ramen, which literally doesn't go bad.

Ramen lasts about nine million years in that packet.

I go, I had ramen for lunch.

That's all I ate until we got to the theater.

And then Colin had a totally different meal.

We both were sick for two full days.

I lost like nine pounds.

It was insane.

Wow.

I look good for finals.

I was my shirt off.

A, B, C.

Yeah.

Dude, I was sick.

That's the sickest I've ever been food poisoning.

And the doctor concluded, he was like, well, it had to be the, did you put butter?

I said, yeah, of course we had butter on the pot.

He goes, that dude, brother, that's it.

100% what it was.

You know, it's also a college campus movie theater.

The fucking goons working there are stoned to the bone like us.

They're not paying attention, cleaning shit.

Yeah.

Dirty, dirty, dirty.

So if you go to Major Domo, they used to have cave butter.

And there's a cave somewhere in California where they get the butter.

What are you talking about?

Butter comes from cows.

No, there's cave butter dudes.

So it just organically grows in the cave?

No, there's like a pad in there.

I don't know what it is, but like...

Major Domo Cave Butter refers to cave-aged butter from Crown Finish Cave served at David Chang's restaurant.

That's what I'm saying.

Right.

Right?

So what I'm saying is...

Crown finish.

And you can taste the difference.

Because it's from a cave.

Yeah, it's definitely cave butter.

What is no cave butter when it's?

It's just they store it in a cave.

That's all it is.

I know.

That's what I'm saying.

I didn't say it's from the cave.

There's not not one cow in there going,

how funny if there was just a cow in the cave.

He's exhausted.

They're milking him all day long.

Yeah.

Leave me alone.

Yeah.

But what I'm saying is, is you take fancy butter like that and then you put that in popcorn somehow.

Ah, this is.

Like level it out.

No, level out.

Because the oil butter is fucking bad for you.

Of course.

And cave butter is so flavorful.

Why don't we just take it to the next level?

Take it to the next level with the cave butter.

How do you do it?

Do you condense the cave butter into a liquid form?

I don't know.

It's not much more.

Of course you have to.

Well, it can't be that much more.

How much is cave butter very expensive?

That's like $1,000 a bar.

Fancy cave butter.

Yeah, yeah.

Like elevate the popcorn.

We must.

At this point, it is.

Yeah.

Frank's gourmet popcorn butter flavored coconut oil.

Oh.

Yeah.

It's a substitute.

No, these are all substitutes, my guy.

But still not elevated enough for me to.

Okay, but how about this?

When you get a candy, like an M ⁇ M's, you sprinkle that in the popcorn yes no

insane you don't do that do you do that everybody does that you sprinkle them in there then you get to grab a couple handfuls then you get some you'll get one popcorn with with some of the m's because the m's don't go all the way through they stick halfway in some of the crevasses okay no i got a good idea you just you make it so it's like a fucking yogurt chop oh

yeah yeah so it's just not just k butter right but you put graham the graham crum a little bit of graham

from uh some toffee some sort of toffee thing maybe Maybe candied pecans.

Exactly.

If you're getting nuts, candy walnuts, you're getting fucked.

But you put the butter in first so that all the other stuff sticks to it.

I like this.

Right?

What do you think?

Maybe a blueberry.

You know, it's a stretch butter.

I like it.

One blueberry?

One blueberry.

In the bottom of it, you have to try to find it.

And your partner goes, you got the blueberry?

Yeah, yeah, there's only one in there, you know?

That's good for good luck.

That's for, yeah.

That's actually a good idea.

Elevate the popcorn.

What else can we elevate in there?

Yeah.

Well, they do.

Like at Lemley's, they have a full bar, which I think is insane.

That you can just get like a cocktail with it, which I thought was kind of great.

That's nice.

No drinking, but still.

Yeah.

Garrett's is good.

I see that.

You got to elevate the popcorn, man.

We got to move on up.

Yeah, let's move on to popcorn.

We're running thin on that.

And also, then the snacks, the snacks, though, the snack game is very.

What's Williams Sonoma?

What's this?

Opopup?

$50 popcorn.

And Bobby's going to love it.

Yeah, that's it.

What is that?

Williams and Sonoma make Sonoma popcorn gift set.

No, no.

That's the bowl thing you're paying $50.

It's not for the popcorn.

Yeah, yeah.

But it ain't getters.

Yeah.

This guy was just going to buy it.

Is there elevated corn?

Google is there elevated corn.

I'm really getting into this.

We're trying to get to the next level of popcorn.

Yeah, yeah.

It starts with the corn.

Cave corn.

Ooh, there can be elevated, significantly taller corn.

No, that's not what we're talking about.

Is there fancy corn?

Is there fancy corn?

Is there Andres corn?

Yeah, organic fancy corn.

Yes, there is fancy corn.

Yeah.

It's confirmed to cornmeal multiple.

Indian corn.

Oh, yeah, Indian corn.

We need Indian corn.

We need Indian popcorn.

Because they're different colors.

They're going to be mad at us for appropriating that as well.

Look at that.

There's Indian corn.

Yeah, you use Indian corn, cave butter.

Indian corn with that, right?

Imagine.

I just sounded like John F.

Kennedy.

Imagine.

Imagine.

Imagine.

Imagine.

Indian popcorn with cave butter.

With cave butter and also all the fixins.

And sea salt.

And sea salt.

Dude, that's what I'm saying.

Elevate the shit.

Kosher sea salt.

Yeah, dude.

Imagine.

Wow.

I think we can.

Imagine.

Imagine.

We can elevate the menu at a movie theater.

I think we can.

I don't know.

It's time.

It's time, dude.

I will say those Coke machines they have now have every flavor of everything on earth and it's fucking amazing.

I refuse to do the flavors.

You're out of your fucking mind.

I refuse to cherry Coke is phenomenal.

If you get a diet fucking Coke and you put a sugary cherry thing, it defeats the purpose of the diet part of it.

You're still getting sugar.

What do you mean?

Do they do fake sugar?

They do fake sugar.

Yeah, they do fake sugar now.

They do aspartame versions of all of it.

Oh, really?

So it's not real sugar?

No, it's fake.

Okay, well, then I'll do lime.

You have them both.

Yeah.

Yeah, they have both.

Look at all the options.

I want one of those at my house.

Yeah, that's a great thing.

That's one of those things.

I had a friend in high school who was like, who's a super rich kid, and we go over to his house.

In his basement, he had a Coke bottle machine.

We could get Coke by the bottle.

Oh, you hit it.

It was dispensed.

We drink like nine Cokes a day.

Oh, my colleague Kalkin movie where he gets a million dollars.

Brewster's Millions.

Yeah, the McDonald's in your house.

Yeah.

I was hankering this morning, by the way, for a sausage egg McMuffin.

I almost went to MACD's for one.

Sausage Egg McMuffin is the best thing in the fucking house.

I think so.

It's so fucking good.

Hey, man, dude.

You slide that hash brown inside.

I don't do that.

No, no.

You don't put the hash brown inside the sausage egg McMuffin?

No, but I love it.

It'll change your life.

It won't change my life.

I'm telling you.

Why eat it separately?

Yeah.

Why eat it out of it?

So if I do that, the light, like, it'll turn completely bright.

Imagine that.

And I'll have a spiritual awakening.

What the fuck are you talking about?

You'll see in color for the first time.

Yeah, no, I don't think so, but I think it'll be good.

It's phenomenal.

Okay.

Here's what you do.

You want a real little secret topper?

They sell Taco Bell hot sauce now in the grocery store, which my fridge has five of them in there right now.

Honestly, of all the hot sauce.

Diablo.

They sell the fire.

You can get hot, fire.

Look, there they are.

Yeah.

Taco Bell hot sauce sold in the store in the bottle.

We buy that shit.

I put that on everything.

It's good.

That on breakfast.

Do you not like Taco Bell hot sauce?

It's so good.

I don't don't really think about it oh brother really when you go to taco bell you don't use it i use diablo or fire yeah but i don't think oh this is amazing hot sauce oh no no no it's not that it's amazing it's the flavor is just good well the flavor's okay but i put that on my breakfast sandwiches oh you do and you know what yeah i bet i bet it is yeah it's a kiss on the mouth yeah do you ever do the taco this guy's selling 50 hot sauce packets that's so funny that's funny i bet you people buy it Do you do the breakfast burrito at McDonald's too?

Or no?

I've never done the breakfast burrito.

Yeah.

I'm too scared.

It's a tube.

I don't like it.

It's a tube of fear.

I don't like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I call it a tube of fear.

I don't like it.

But this is the thing.

McDonald's has been switching up their menu a little bit with introducing new items.

They're risky, and some of the new ones, I'm not.

Their chicken menu is getting too big.

Slow down with all the chicken.

Amen.

Give me McDonald's new menu.

Yeah.

We went the other week, and I thought, you guys need to slow down.

Go back to the basics, dude.

They got new shit on there that I'm just not.

Like chicken strips, get the fuck out of here.

It's nuggets or nothing, dude.

It's nuggets or nothing.

What's new on there?

New edition, boo buckets.

Oh, boo buckets.

Wait, wait.

Tiny tan happy meal?

That's for the Philippines only, isn't it?

Tiny tan.

Wow.

There's a meetup in Los Angeles.

For tiny tan?

Yeah.

For parents, I guess.

Can we go back to the movie?

Popcorn real quick?

Look at this.

Special edition gold sauce.

Yeah.

All right.

What do you want to do with the popcorn?

No, no, I'm just saying.

So I went to see that movie with a date.

We got a large popcorn, a small bottle of smart water.

Not needed, but go ahead.

Why?

Waste of money.

Okay, anyway, that's what we got.

Yeah.

And a Diet Coke, 30 bucks.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it's a fucking.

How much are they making off of that?

Can you imagine how much our fancy Indian corn cave butter is going to be?

80 bucks a bucket.

We're never going to be able to source it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow, that's it.

We're going to be ripping people off.

Yeah.

But the movie we can make cheaper because we won't.

What we'll do is we'll run a bunch of you know what?

Previews will be an hour and a half to pay for the Indian corn.

Okay, okay, yeah, yeah.

So you'll have an hour of previews.

Movie theaters make almost no money with a movie.

They make all their money with

concessions.

But they also make money using the previews, right?

Don't they have to pay to have those previews put in front of those films?

Is that not true?

Yeah.

Yes.

But have you smuggled in stuff?

I have, and they don't give a shit.

What do you mean?

That was my whole life.

Yeah, yeah.

The only reason I do it.

The only reason I do it now is because I'm just timing-wise, I don't feel like bringing shit in.

Yeah.

But

I would say the majority of people still sneak in food.

And you shouldn't sneak because it's a teenager ripping tickets.

He doesn't give a fuck.

you think a 16 year old is gonna be like sir what's in your pockets yeah they don't do he doesn't fucking care yeah it's a it's a it's a it's mostly coffee you sneak in coffee yeah like an iced you know i mean venti or something right

i what put it in your no i cut i do this this right right and i do one of these and i hand the ticket like this yeah they'll never see that when you walk around no can you see it now well i'm just on this angle now i know

you can spin around to this side he can hear the ice jingle jangling in that cup it's basically on on the walk, dude.

Oh, limp, dude.

Yeah, and I go, here you go, right?

Smart.

And then when they're.

I always keep, you always have to keep eye contact.

Got it.

Right?

There you go.

What if there's an employee behind you?

Yeah.

You got to cup it.

You sneak in coffee.

Yeah.

Because in high school, I used to smoke cigarettes.

I was good at cupping the cigarette.

Oh, yeah.

You're just walking down the hallway, right?

Oh, yeah, cupping the cigarette.

I know how to cup that.

I know there's smoke, but they thought I was Asian.

I was doing some sort of, you know what I mean, like Street Fighter thing.

Oh, you can't, whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

But that's smart.

Yeah, I'm very smart with my hands.

My friend Sarah and I used to sneak in 40s.

She'd just bring in a big purse in college and sneak in 40s.

That's college days, dude.

The good old days.

Yeah.

Sneak in a 40 and then movie theater.

Actually, the fans down below, comment the craziest thing you've snuck into the movie theater because I'm actually curious to know who snuck in some wild.

Yeah.

Like, what do you think the biggest thing?

You could put something down your pants if it's long.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, if you have like a fucking, if it's like a big thing, you just put it in your pants.

They're never, they don't care.

Jackets, by the way, Midwest, we don't have that out here.

When winter comes, you can sneak in a fucking entire kitchen into a movie theater.

Have you ever peed in the movie?

Into what?

The bucket?

No, on the ground.

You're just pissed on the ground?

One time I did.

Well, it goes that way.

What?

It just goes away from him.

Because it was back in the early 80s.

Yeah, back when it was normal.

Yeah, it was normal to do that.

Back in the 80s.

Do you remember the movie?

Evil Dead.

Evil Dead?

Yeah, yeah.

That was not the 80s.

Yeah, it was like late 70s.

You didn't want to miss a minute.

No, I was a kid, I remember, and my friend, my cousin Jennifer, because here's what we went to the movie, there was Empire Strikes Back playing and Evil Dead.

And I was like, can we do Empire Strikes Back?

And she was like, older.

She said, no, we're doing Evil Dead.

You already saw Empire Strikes Back.

See a double feature, dude.

Yeah, so I was, no, our parents, we only had two hours.

So anyway, we went in there, right?

And just to make her mad, I peed on the ground.

And I remember it ruined the movie for her.

She fucking hated it.

But anyway, I did it at that time.

Yeah.

You never done that?

No.

Okay.

Never be in a theater.

Blue Chew into the room, dick first.

Get in there, dick first.

Blue Chew is not just a tablet.

It's a cheat code for your crotch.

Stronger, harder, longer lasting, like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk and a gym membership that Bobby is finally getting.

Blue Chew has saved my sex life because

when you get older, sometimes Papa's not awake.

That's right.

And you know me, Blue Chew goes, it's like its own coffee almost.

It's like, whoop, wake up.

And it does work.

Last time I took Blue Chew, my dick got sponsored by an energy drink company and refused to do missionary.

Guys, this isn't just about performance.

It's about legacy or third legacy.

Hey, hey, hey, give her group chat something to talk about.

You know, when you lay it down, they're talking about how it gets up.

Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little bit of Blue Chew.

Discover your options at bluechew.com.

We got a special deal for our listeners.

As always, get your first month of Blue Chew for free.

Just use promo code bad friends at checkout and just pay five bucks for shipping.

That's it.

Join Blue Chew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time.

Head to Blue Chew.com for details and safety info.

And we thank you, Blue Chew, for sponsoring the podcast.

DraftKings Sportsbook.

NFL fans.

What's your favorite touchdown?

For me, it's the next one because with DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sporting betting partner of the NFL, every touchdown can bring you closer to cashing in.

From first touchdown score to anytime TD props or the thrill of live in-game betting, every snap is loaded with opportunity.

I love using DraftKings Sportsbook because once in a while I like to put down a little bit on my team and I do it happy and healthily

within my budget and my means.

And the best part is new customers bet just five bucks and if your bet wins you're going to get $300 in bonus bets instantly.

Your team hitting pay dirt pays out to you.

Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code Bad Friends.

That's code Bad Friends for new customers to turn five bucks into $300 in bonus bets if your bet wins.

In partnership with DraftKings, the Crown is yours.

Gambling Problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.

In New York, call 8778-HOPENY or text Hope NY-467-369.

In Connecticut, Help is available for problem gambling.

Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org.

Please play responsibly on behalf of Buddha Casino and Resort in Kansas.

Pass-through of wager.

Tax may apply in Illinois.

21 plus Asian eligibility.

Void in Ontario.

Bet must win to receive bonus bets, which expire seven days minimum odds required.

For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, cdkng.co/slash audio limited time offer.

Tito's handmade vodka is America's favorite vodka for a reason.

From the first legal distillery in Texas, Tito's is six times distilled till it's just right and naturally gluten-free, making it a high-quality spirit that mixes with just about anything.

From the smoothest martinis to the best Bloody Marys.

Tito's is known for giving back, teaming up with nonprofits to serve its communities and do good for dogs.

Make your next cocktail with Tito's.

Distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas.

40% alcohol by volume.

Savor responsibly.

Also, I saw a sign yesterday that bugged me to no end.

They had a men.

Okay.

It's one of these like progressive places, but they're trying way too hard.

It had a men's bathroom and a women's bathroom, right?

So it literally said M men, W women.

Then below that, on each door, had an image of, and you've seen this before, it's like half man, half a dress, and then it says, and then a disabled icon, and it says, whatever, just wash your hands.

So I was like, so what is it?

You know, that, that's, that's the symbol.

That one right there, gender neutral.

It was a gender neutral.

So it had that below the other sign that already said man or woman.

So it's like, just say fucking bathroom.

This is what.

Say bathroom then.

It's the guy that's doing the signs.

It's the guy that's doing it.

Just listen to the guy.

No, just listen.

Fuck the guy that made these signs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it's not that sign.

It's this, okay?

The original one is the men's one, right?

And then somebody at the meeting, right, said, Hey, we need new signs.

I don't think that's what they said.

Yeah, bro, you know, it's 2025, bro.

We need fucking new signs, right?

Well, Pedro, I don't think we're trusting.

You're aligned with it.

But let me tell you something.

I bought the new signs on, you know, Amazon, right?

But you know what?

I'm going to keep the old sign on.

Just in case.

Yeah, yeah.

No, because he's lazy.

Ah.

Yeah, not because

the character's Mexican.

See, I think

I can say, he's like, I'm just going to put this sign underneath the old sign.

Right.

Right?

Yeah.

You know, but you know,

they'll get it.

They'll get it.

But then Santino comes along and goes, I don't like that.

I don't, you just say bathroom.

By the way, they should all just say bathroom then.

That's the deal.

If you're going to keep doing this game, just say fucking bathroom.

And it should, you know what the signs should say?

If you're a guy, lift the fucking seat up and piss and put it down when you're done.

That's what the sign should actually say.

Don't piss on the seat.

Don't be an asshole.

And then it's just a place to pee and poop.

They should have ones.

This is big signage at its see the little white head on it

yeah

what if they have race specific ones oh that's funny race neutral bathroom no just no spec why don't we just go the reverse way oh just white and black bathrooms no and different different ones oh you like water fountains like that too

what else do you want to do You want schools to be only one color?

No, because can I say something?

For Asians, right, we like Carlos's.

We like lower, you know,

toilets.

You need lower sinks, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And lower things.

You know what I mean?

We like, you know.

Yeah, we'll make the Asian only.

Yeah.

I get that.

What would the black one have in it?

Well, it'd be taller.

That's for sure.

On average.

Go back to that picture.

It'd be graffiti.

So fuck.

It's an art.

Oh, my God, dude.

Did you see that video of that girl that fucking had a panic attack parasailing and then unclipped her shit?

Did she die?

Oh, big time.

Oh.

Oh, fucking big time.

Big time dies.

Look at it.

Her?

What the fuck?

That's not it.

Oh, there it is.

There's the footage.

So she's like, she's freaking out.

She's freaking out.

And then she unclips the fucking harness.

Why?

Because she's having a panic attack.

You don't see anything gruesome here.

She just disappears.

But look, she gets out of the, she takes off the jacket.

She must be having a severe.

Look at how high she is.

This poor girl.

She gets out of the harness and is like, no, I don't want to be here anymore.

And then

gone.

It's like Tom Cruise.

Yeah.

Well, turns out that mission was possible.

I mean, mission complete.

That's insane.

I don't know why she would do that.

She must have had a crazy panic attack.

By the way,

these things are fucking atrocious.

How many times a year do you hear these accidents?

Kids go down to Mexico and these things, some fucking wild shit happens with parasailing.

It's a terrible.

They're so dumb.

Can you see if she dies?

She did die, dude.

It just said that in the article.

Oh, my God.

But did she know she was going to die?

I think if you're 200 feet up, you'd know you're going to die.

Then why would she do that?

I think she had a panic attack.

60 accidents, injuries, and fatalities.

One death for 100,000 trips.

Let me tell you something.

If one in one's worth it.

That's not worth it.

That's not no.

One in 100,000 is worth it.

There's no exact number of parasailing deaths per year.

You know why?

Because they all happen in Mexico.

Yeah.

And they don't fucking report it.

If there was a roller coaster and they go, one in every 100,000 people die on this, would you?

Not interested.

That's why I do roller coasters because it's not one in.

Roller coasters is probably like one in every fucking hundred million.

Yeah.

They never, it never happened.

But it puts more fear into the roller coaster.

That's what makes it funner, right, Carlos?

Come on.

That's not what makes it more funner.

I mean, two to four, that's not enough to get my blood going.

That's not even fatalities half the time.

It's just accidents.

The fatalities from these accidents are often guest health issues, right?

Like heart attack.

People have heart attack or stroke.

You should drive fast on the freeway and turn your lights off for two seconds.

Yeah.

Exciting.

Okay.

Yeah, I do that sometimes.

Because I've always like these girls, they have all this dash footage of these girls texting and flipping their cars.

That is some of the funniest shit, dude.

Because I have a morbid fantasy of creating a water park, but it's everyone dies on each ride.

Oh, like I have a water slide.

Wait till word gets out about it.

I have a water slide where you go in a tube, but it gets smaller and smaller.

Oh, my God.

That's like my nightmare.

And then you get stuck, right?

But the water's still flowing.

Oh, wow.

Other people, you know what I mean, hop, you're right?

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's one of them.

Death Trap Water Slide.

Yeah.

welcome to death trap puck you don't have thoughts like that absolutely not what what's wrong with me i don't know yeah well you know nate bargazzi's making a theme park maybe you can pitch this

theme park yeah

at nateland you could die in the water park

uh exactly numbers aren't there are specifically a few fatalities annually in the u.s water parks drowning is a significant risk by the way every no this has got to be fucked up too Every year a kid dies at those wave pools.

Every year a kid dies at one of these wave pools because they get stuck in the thing.

They can't swim.

Wave pools are sick, though.

They're sick, though.

They're so fun.

Yeah.

You know what?

You and I got to go to at least one time.

Look at that.

Look at that wave pool.

Would you go in that?

I don't think you would go in there.

No.

I've been to pools with you.

If there's one person in it, sometimes you're like, I'm not going in there.

That's true.

I don't want to go in if there's one person in the pool.

I want it to be quiet.

Yeah.

That is a, this is genuinely, that's an anxiety attack.

That's where you pull out the chute.

I can't do that.

Also, rest in peace to that girl.

I wasn't making fun of her.

I was saying, that's crazy.

The poor girl had a panic attack and jumped.

How much SARS are in that water?

That's where COVID.

There's got to be SARS in there.

That's where COVID really started at a wave pool.

Oh, man.

I saw a funny meme online of the kit of

Ron Weasley.

I don't know.

I can't remember the actor's name.

Yeah.

Of yelling,

who was like, he was holding gasoline in the air.

Yeah.

What did he say?

Expensive petroleum.

Yeah, what does he say?

This is a great.

expensive petroleum,

dude.

Dude, he's Ron Weasley 24/7, that guy, dude.

That's killer.

That's so funny.

But that's almost almost like a wand he pulled up there.

That's why he did it.

Wow.

That's so fun.

Expensive petroleum.

God, he's so good.

What a brilliant thing to do.

Play into the bit, though.

So good, man.

So funny.

Oh, I got bad news for you, too.

Your boy Diddy just got 50 months i know does he go to your meetings at ron weasley or no he hasn't been in years yeah no he doesn't who's been showing up to your meetings lately kathy griffin's there she

yeah caratop look at the look at the picture that they put up of diddy bending over on the stool did you see that they're like man they did diddy wrong they drew him like bent over the stool crying 50 months yeah that one that second one yeah yeah they were like they did him wrong in the court drawing isn't that a good time though i mean he was gonna get way worse right?

He should have gotten worse.

He shouldn't have got like 40 years.

I think four years he got off.

Did you say 50 months?

Is that the truth?

Is that what it was?

Four months.

They cut that in half.

He'll get out earlier.

Yes, time served.

Time served and all that stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Probably get out in fucking two and a half years.

Yeah.

And then would you go to the next Diddy party when he gets out?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Look at how good it's going to be.

How do you get invited to those?

I've never been to one.

How do you get invited to those?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah.

I don't.

Yeah.

You know, let me, who would get invited first?

You or me?

Oh, brother.

You.

Carlos.

Oh, Carlos first.

Buddy, you and I don't get invited to any

parties.

But I wonder what I would wear.

To a Diddy party?

Yeah.

Get a suit?

You want easy access to your tush.

Maybe one of those assless chaps.

Yeah.

You know, with a little flap.

I would be nervous.

To a ditty party?

Yeah.

Imagine he is going to throw a party when he gets out.

You do know that.

It's going to be sick.

It's going to be a sick.

Carlos.

It's going to be sick.

Sick.

It's going to be.

Would you rather go to a Diddy party or a Cosby party?

Oh.

Well, Diddy, because I want to remember it.

Cosby party and no recollection of the party.

Yeah, I just woke up in my car the next day.

I didn't like it when he made those kids walk to fucking Brooklyn for cheesecake.

That's like the first time I actually hated him.

You don't even know the reference I'm making to you.

No, I don't.

Diddy did a show called, was it Making the Band or whatever the, what was the name of his show?

Making the Band.

Making the Band.

And he would make them go on these missions, right?

And they had to go do shit for him.

And he had to make, one time he made them walk, I want to say it was across Brooklyn Bridge for cheesecake.

making, that's not a like a, that's not a proof of that you're loyal to

cheesecake.

Yeah, I did it.

It depends on what kind of cheesecake it is, no?

There's no cheesecake that good.

Now, if it was Tiramasu, we have a totally different conversation.

Yeah.

But Tiramasu is undoubtedly the best of it.

Are they being televised?

Yeah, it was on MTV.

Well, then yeah, do it.

I don't do it.

I knew you would agree with that.

I know, see?

TV guy.

I knew you'd agree with this method of...

Well, no, it's basically like this.

It's like when Leo was on the revenant, right?

He was out there in the cold.

Yeah.

That's so different than this.

It's not.

It's not that.

It's not.

You do the job.

Leo is in character.

Yeah.

And these kids aren't in character.

They're not in character.

I'm playing the fucking cheesecake guy.

You're the cheesecake guy.

Okay.

You are the character.

You're the cheesecake guy, dude.

No, you are.

Okay, what do you mean by that?

What do you want on it?

Yeah.

I don't like cheesecake.

Well, then fucking it.

Why would I be the cheesecake guy?

Well, exactly.

What I'm saying, though, is if their cameras are rolling and they're playing a role, right?

You're a reality show

guy.

If the cameras are rolling.

You know what I mean?

It's like, get the cheesecake.

Haven't you done this with someone where you made them get you breakfast burritos at like five in the morning yeah but i pay them good okay yeah who got you breakfast slightly demeanor like alex and stuff i'll get i'll call alex and go because um there's some breakfast burritos that don't deliver

so you say go get it for me yeah and they get it yeah crazy what do you got

lucky boys in pasadena oh you've been there

lucky boys pasadena has the best breakfast burritos in LA.

Look it up.

I want to see what they do.

And they don't deliver.

Sometimes I'll call somebody and go, yo, I'll give you $100.

Go down to Pasadena.

Give me a lucky boy's fucking breakfast burrito.

Do you get cheese fries with it?

Yeah, I get the whole thing.

That looks good.

The best thing about, see, that's the key.

You have the breakfast burrito right to your right.

It's the perfect amount of everything dispersed equally.

Eggs, cheese, bacon, sausage, hash browns, and that's it.

Yes.

And look at to the left.

the best ranch sauce

with the best hot sauce.

And you duck them together.

yeah i know you don't get the cheese chili cheese fries that's no i don't get that i i can only eat one lucky boy fucking one lucky boy burrito burrito yeah yeah and that's 900 calories my second favorite that's a big burrito yeah is the um

corner cottage where the is that in burbank they deliver get the corner cottage breakfast burrito that's my second second favorite My third favorite is Kolfax.

Kofax is good.

Yeah, yeah.

They've been good for years.

Yeah.

And if you don't have an opinion about breakfast burrito, don't be my friend.

All right.

Do you have an opinion about it?

I'll tell you who's got a pretty good ass fucking breakfast burrito is right here

up at Sportsman's Lodge.

It's called

Erwin has a good one.

No, no, fuck that.

What's the spot that's Civil Coffee?

They have a good fucking breakfast burrito.

I like their, you know why?

I like that they have chunky potatoes.

I like those big cute potatoes.

I don't know, man.

Ooh, look at that thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, look at the big, chunky.

I like big, chunky fucking potatoes, babe.

Okay, dude.

Give me chunky potatoes.

Look at that thing.

Stop making that fucking noise.

And look at, wait, and look at, but zoom in and look at

the fry oil because you can still see through the burrito.

Yeah.

By the way, as soon as I eat that.

The lucky boy fucking burrito.

As soon as I eat that, my stomach.

Lucky boy is lucky boy.

Me and lucky boy.

Me and with lucky boy.

Okay?

That's me and with Lucky Boy.

I'll kiss the burrito.

I'll fuck the burrito.

No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want me to fuck a burrito, dude?

I don't.

Okay.

That's your murder.

All right, my bad.

YouTube.

But I get it.

I get it.

All right, yeah.

We get it.

There are places in LA where you can the best of something, you know what I mean?

That's why the city is still a great game.

It's a great game.

That's why it's still holding up.

Yeah, yeah.

What should we be for Halloween this year?

The girl from Silent Hill F.

Oh, that looks like you.

Yeah.

I've been playing that game.

No, I haven't started yet.

I have.

I've been playing it.

I'm going to give up.

I've died 15 times.

I was going to say, it looks really hard.

I don't want to deal with that right now.

Can I tell you what's hard?

There's only two modes.

Story and hard.

So story's like too easy?

No, story's too hard.

I don't even know what hard's like.

Fuck that then.

All right.

In the beginning of the game,

you're stuck in this small little Japanese town.

Yeah.

Okay.

And all of a sudden there's these creatures that come out with a knife.

It's fucking scary as fuck.

What's the name of the game?

Silent Hill F.

And um

I'm ready for some fucking Halloween shit.

Are we gonna go to a haunted house?

Oh, yeah.

Let's do it.

You see, see that creature?

Yeah, they're like...

Is that Ali Wong?

Yeah.

Ali Wong's that.

You play Ali Wong, and

the first 20 minutes of the game, you're just dodging, like running from them.

And you can hear them chase you.

It's so petrifying scary.

And there's no, it's all melee weapons.

So you eventually you pick up a pole like that.

Yeah, or yeah, or something like that, or like a pipe, and you're fighting these creatures with a pipe.

It's so hard.

It's too hard.

It's so fucking hard.

But it is beautiful.

And it's pretty scary.

Bad friends Halloween.

What are we going to be for Halloween?

Yeah, I was just writing it on my notes.

Okay.

Bad Bunny.

Oh, yeah.

People are mad at Bad Bunny for doing the Super Bowl.

Is that what it is?

He was so good on SNL.

Yeah, dude, he's the man.

I don't know.

What's the issue?

Go ahead.

You're a Spaniard.

What's the issue with Bad Bunny playing the Super Bowl?

I think people don't like that.

He speaks Spanish.

Only Spanish.

What percentage of America speaks Spanish?

He speaks English.

Yeah, like me.

Right, bad English.

Doesn't matter.

15% of the 14% of the 45 million people speak Spanish.

A lot of people will get it.

Mi encanto by elar.

I think Bad Bunny is the fucking

y la escuela los.

Yeah, y la biblioteca.

We should do a bad friends Spanish edition.

And try to speak only in Spanish.

Good luck.

Well, how do you say bad friends in Spanish?

Malos manos.

Malos amigos.

Marlos amigos.

Hey, welcome to Malos Amigos.

Dude, that was one thing that Leo did right in that movie was he got his he got the Spanish right.

When he was like vibing with those dudes, you could tell he they loved him.

Shaya can do that too with the Mexicans.

He vibes with them.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Look at that.

Yeah, because Shaya, but Shaya's from where in LA?

He's from Echo Park, right?

Yeah, he can do it.

And Leo Leo.

Didn't Leo grow up a little bit nicer?

Los Felos area.

A little bit nicer.

Yeah.

I wish that we grew up in L.A.

Not me.

Why?

I like being from Chicago.

It would have been easier, I think, though.

Well, for the business?

Yeah.

I don't think so.

You watch a Charlie Sheen documentary in Malibu when Sean Penn and all those guys, neighborhood kids were making films.

It started then.

I know, but that's a dream.

That's a fantasy moment in time.

In the same way that, like, what are the chances that...

Like the Will Farrell class of SNL.

It's like these are fantasy moments in time.

I want to be in a fantasy moment.

I didn't have a fantasy moment.

We're living in it right now.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

We made bad friends together.

Exactly.

This is our

little fantasy moment.

Yeah, but you know, it'd be cool that you're in an avocado field with young Keanu Reeves.

You know what I mean?

What are you doing out there?

What?

Throwing avocados at each other.

You know what I mean?

Cut it out.

Yeah, you're like, cut it out, dude.

Cut it out, bro.

Yeah.

And, well, it was fucking great.

What a great throw, Bobby.

You know what I mean?

Thank you, Keanu.

I talk like that too.

I would probably talk like that too, dude.

Because Keanu Reeves would influence me.

It's like, bro, dude, fucking fantastic.

You got an A in geometry, dude.

Now you just sound like your brother.

I know.

That sounds like Stevie.

Yeah.

I think it influences you, right?

So it's like, you know, you grew up with De Niro, right?

Right.

De Naro.

Yeah, you don't know De Naro.

Yeah, hey.

You know, if you want me to help you tutor in that biology class, I think I'll help you.

I think you would have been in goodfellas.

Don't you think?

That's really good.

Yeah.

I don't want to grow up in L.

Don't you have me grow up in San Diego?

I'm two-time Nikki Bob.

Two-time Nikki Bob?

Yeah.

Two-time Nikki Bob.

I said Nicky Bob twice.

Every time.

Nicky Bob, Nicky Bob.

That's why they call me two-time.

Okay.

What do you mean?

No, I like it, Nicky Bob.

Yeah.

Nikki Bob, Nicky Bob.

Nicky Bob, Nicky Bob.

That's two times Nicky Bob.

You always say everything twice.

Yeah, it's everything twice.

Yeah, what's your name?

Say it again.

What's your name?

What's your name?

I'm Slippery Santines.

Yeah.

Do the slides.

Do the slides.

Cops never caught me.

Slippery Santines.

Yeah.

As I sneak through.

As he sneaks through, as he sneaks through.

It's actually pretty good.

It's pretty good.

Pretty good.

Pretty good.

You would have grown up in L.A.

Okay, you would have grown up in Koreatown.

Here's your life.

Yeah, yeah.

You're working, you're fucking busing at

Seoul Park.

Yeah.

You're busing tables.

You're still going to take your same route.

You're going to get mad TV.

Nothing's going to change.

Oh, you think that no matter where I was, you were going to be

always going to end up here.

Or you're going to be on a roof during the riots.

Yeah.

I'm a rooftop Korean for sure.

For 100%.

And I'm at that Kyle Jr.

drive-through.

Like, what is going on?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You would have been Bobby Lee no matter where you were placed in the world.

You were born to be Bobby Lee.

Yeah.

You were going to be you.

And that's what we love about you.

Oh, I said those fantasies aren't real.

They're bullshit.

You're living a fantasy.

You live a dream.

We get to talk to our fans and do stand-up.

like, this is the best dream.

It's the best dream we've ever lived.

Yeah.

I don't ever want to wake up.

But it'd be great.

Like, you're in Echo Park.

Like, Shia is like, hey, let's go duck hunting.

You think he's going to be friends with you?

You think you would have been his click?

I think Shia would have liked me because he liked me.

Okay.

He likes you now.

All right.

Chances of becoming famous are extremely slim.

Set is less than 0.01% of the global population.

And he's still not happy.

He's still not happy.

The likely.

I'm so happy and so grateful.

You just wish you were from LA.

No, but when you watch that movie, Charlie Sheens, it's just like,

what an exciting life.

Yeah.

He lived under the guise of famous parents, so it like ushered him into the world naturally.

Yo, right?

Like I told you that documentary I love, Batter Bastards of Baseball.

It's great.

Better bastards of pay-per-view, Baster Bastard Bastards of PayPal.

There it is.

There's Nikki two times.

Rocket Money.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

That's right.

Look, we all have way too many subscriptions.

This is an old point point that we've made so many times on this show.

Bobby saved so much money by doing this.

And by the way, Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of 500 million in cancel subscriptions, with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all the app's premium features.

Get alerts if your bills increase in price, if there's unusual activity in your accounts.

If you're close to going over budget, Rocket Money will even try to negotiate to lowers your bills for you.

This app automatically scans your bills to find opportunities to save and then goes to work to get you better deals.

They'll even talk to customer service.

You don't want to talk to them.

They're going to do it for you.

You do not have to.

Bobby had the dashboard and it laid out his total financial picture.

So they include bill due dates and paydays.

And it's easier to digest that way, the way they lay it out.

Some of us are visual learners, like Bob and I.

You can automatically create custom budgets based on your past spending.

So they're trying to help you save your money.

Stop wasting it.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money.

Go to rocketmoney.com/slash bad friends today.

You heard it.

That's rocketmoney.com/slash bad friends.

RocketMoney.com/slash

Shopify.

Hey, if you're running a small business, you know there's nothing small about it.

There's a lot going on.

And as business owners, we provide merch for you guys.

And the Shopify point of sale system is a unified command center for your retail businesses.

It brings together in-store and online operations across up to a thousand locations.

Imagine being able to guarantee that shopping is always convenient.

Endless aisle, ship to customer, buy online pickup in store, all made simpler so customers can shop how they want and staff have the tools to close the sale every time.

And let's face it, acquiring new customers is expensive.

With Shopify POS, you can keep shoppers coming back with personalized experiences and first-party data that give marketing teams a competitive edge.

In fact, it's proven based on a report from EY Business on Shopify POSC real results, like 22% better total cost of ownership and benefits equivalent to an 8.9% uplift in sales on average relative to the market set surveyed.

And we use Shopify and you must if you're running a business.

Bob, tell them how to get it.

We love Shopify and we've been using it since our inception, and we love it.

Get all the big stuff for your small businesses right with Shopify.

Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com/slash bad friends.

Go to Shopify.com/slash bad friends.

That's shopify.com slash bad friends.

Oh, that I could be that for Halloween.

Yes.

Yeah, that's great.

Shave my beard like that.

A little Fu Manchu.

Yeah.

Where did the name Fu Manchu come from?

I don't know, man.

Asia?

It's a real guy.

Is Fu Manchu a real guy?

It's a guy, yeah.

Come on, you don't know that to be a fact.

We're just guessing.

The name Fu Manchu was invented by British author Arthur Wilde, writing as a Sax Roamer.

1913, his series of novels about a sinister Chinese villain, Bobby Lee, becoming the embodiment of the yellow peril, Bobby Lee.

The specific name likely comes from the generic Chinese surname Fu, historical ethnic group Manchu, creating an exotic and threatening identity for the character.

So is Fu Manchu going to be X out of our vernacular now because it's

on PC?

It's funny because people still call it Fu Manchu.

Like, isn't that called a Fu Manchu?

Yeah, right?

These guys probably just aren't people who would change how they talk.

The character name originated from Arthur Ward.

I like Yellow Peril.

Yellow Peril is a great name for your special.

Yeah, yeah.

Yellow Peril.

Yeah, that's good.

When are you ready to tape?

Are you getting close?

No.

Come on.

I'm not.

You're not at all close.

But when

Woodhula goes,

this is the amount of time we expect.

I'm like, okay, I got it.

It's an hour, right?

No.

What do they expect out of you?

40 minutes.

You're doing just 40?

I'm going to do more, but

I mean, that's the line.

I have 40.

So then I'm like, okay.

You want to do the least possible?

Yeah, I'm doing the least possible.

You know, smart.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bang for your.

And then the next one is going to be great.

Because I'll clean slate.

I'm going to walk honestly.

I'm just going to figure it out.

I genuinely think you'll never do another one.

I think one is good.

No, I'm going to do another one.

I have to.

Why?

Because there's more personal things I want to talk about, about how I really feel that I don't do.

And I want to go in.

Why are you smarking?

Because it's all like a pipe dream because you were trying to show off for Louis, like, oh, after this special, I promise I'll really get into the depths of comedy.

And, you know.

Okay.

You know, my whole life has been this.

I believe in you.

No, this is what I'm being real.

My whole life has been, you can't do it.

It's not.

No, no, no, no.

My whole life has been this.

Don't say me me.

You can't do it.

It's not going to happen.

This and that.

And I always do it.

And I always prevail.

And I can't wait.

And then when that happens, I would love that.

I can look at you and go, what's up?

I would love that.

And then you're going to be like, well, I never said that.

Right.

And then we're going to have another conflict.

It's a You'll see moment.

It's actually just.

You'll see is my

whole reason why I'm even where I'm at.

It's a good thing to bring up you'll see because that was my favorite phrase when we were in Australia.

Bobby's first thing out of his mouth is, I'm going to be jacked.

I'm going to get so jacked.

And I go, and you'll see.

And I go, no, you won't.

And you go, you'll see.

Yeah.

But we're past the year.

You lost the year.

It doesn't meant that the sea hasn't happened.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

When the sea happens, you'll do it.

When the tides change.

All right, so I went to that fucking gym next to my house, Planet Fitness.

I swear to God, I walked in there and I go, can I join?

And they're like, well, we need your bank account.

Why?

I don't know why.

I go, I just have a credit card.

And they're like, we don't do it that way.

We need your bank account.

No, no, no, no.

That's what they said.

I've never heard of that before in my life.

I've never heard that before in my life, too.

bank account

equinox what go to equinox so then what i know but there's too many hot people there what's wrong with that yeah i don't want to be slothy in front of those people you know what i mean just get a personal trainer then yeah so then i brought my friend alex over there you know my friend alex that worked for me at tige yeah and uh i didn't know how any of the machines worked either right so once we go we already went once he's gonna teach me how the those machines you don't even know how to get in them

it's like a pole away and you don't know how to put the stick in and i don't know what it works it's like that Japanese game show where they got to go through those cardboard cutouts on the thing.

That's what it's like.

Yeah, yeah, and then like every machine works on one thing like I don't want this muscle to be fucking this is a good muscle.

Look at this though.

Yeah, I know you don't want that.

Yeah, but I don't want that you don't want that?

Yeah, yeah, or like you know my elbows like gigantic and I'm like I did this machine too long.

All you really need to do is like push-ups sit-ups and then you know some squatty stuff.

No, but I want to learn how to do this one, the butterfly one.

What the fuck is that?

There's one where there's sticks above and you do this.

Wait, what?

Well, you do flies?

Yeah, and then you do this one, like flies like this, right?

Yeah, I want to be able to do that, but even this machine is different.

The bench press?

Yeah.

Just get on a free.

Go to Plant Famous Fitness.

It's evolved.

Oh, they've changed.

Yeah, I don't know what the machines do.

Look at the machines that are fucking so complex.

You sound like Kimmy Schmidt, who has been buried for like 50 years.

Yeah,

is he on all the machines?

See that machine right there?

I didn't sit on that.

I went reverse and my knees were on that thing, right?

I was staring backwards.

It would be funny to see a Bobby Lee workout video trying the machines for the first time.

Yeah.

Like, I don't know how to get into that.

She's in it right now, just like that.

Well, now I know after seeing her.

Squat and press.

Yeah.

So you're not going to be going to Planet Fitness.

Why don't you have someone come to your house to train you from your house?

I don't have weights.

You don't need much.

You can do bands.

You can do exercise with so little today.

Yeah, maybe.

Tomorrow night, I just decided.

Just now?

No, I just literally decided because I have my pod tomorrow at four.

And then Alex will be there afterwards.

I'm going to give him a little money.

Go right to the business.

And I'm going to go right to Planet Fitness.

I'm going to finish the training.

I thought you couldn't get in without your bank.

No, you can do a day pass.

But that's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to get two-bit day passes.

I'm going to figure out how all the machines work.

I'll even video it.

Okay.

No, I'm being real.

I want to do it.

I want you to do it.

Because I'm just, I think my thinness isn't good.

What do you mean?

I still look fat.

What's the tone?

You don't look fat.

No, if you take my shirt off, it's not good.

What do you mean?

It's just lumpy?

It's Andreas-like.

So, no offense.

We don't know what he looks like without a shirt.

I do, I do.

No offense, dude.

None taken?

None taken.

It's so much offense.

He's taking it.

No, what I'm saying is that it's.

Can I be honest with you?

No.

I'm a pork, too.

Yeah, you're more like a flan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm flan eating.

You're like a flan.

Yeah.

What's dessert?

Name it.

We're all desserts.

He's flan.

What's Carlos?

What is it?

He's like a churro.

No, he's like a baguette.

Ooh, yeah.

Yeah.

A baguette?

Absurd, yeah.

Nobody wants it.

Nobody wants it.

Yeah.

Flaky and yeah.

You have a great body.

It's fine.

It's up and down.

Yeah.

But it's pretty good.

You can see the muscles.

It can be if I work out

if I work out.

With me and Andreas.

No.

We don't know what muscle is what.

That's what I'm saying.

You get what I'm saying?

But he's also naked.

Yeah, yeah.

He's a father now.

He has less time to work out.

Dads have way less time.

He's busy.

He's either editing, taking care of his kid or editing dad bod dad bod like that and dude his i his dude the chicks especially in our age range they love dad bods they do yes they

do

you ask any girl of of a of an age that's our range right i'm sure girls in their like 20s don't like dad bods they want young but like 30s and up those girls love dad bods i'm doing it i'm doing it oh i can't wait i'm inspired today you are oh yeah i'm doing it because you're right i did say that that by now I would.

Oh, yeah.

And I didn't.

I did lose the weight.

You have five weeks.

No, I don't.

Well, I'm going to start tomorrow.

What can I do?

In five weeks, do you think if I start tomorrow, in five weeks, do you think you'll be able to see the difference?

If you go every other day, yeah.

Yeah, you would.

You have to go literally three, four days a week.

Yeah, yeah.

You're going to do it.

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to do it.

God, I think it's a great day.

I love this.

Yeah, yeah.

Who are you doing it for, though?

That's the real question.

What?

Who are you doing it for?

Spike.

No, I'm doing it because when I'm.

Because women find you attractive.

yeah i get giggles when i walk into the we spa steam room from who little asians no from all the everybody they giggle because they know who you are i don't know if that's the case that's in my mind i think it's it but it could be my porgy andreas like body

you know he's gonna go home and be like i'm gonna quit the show

or join the gym yeah

you are Are you a member at a gym?

No.

Yeah.

Your wife is, though.

Yes.

Your wife's in phenomenal shape.

She works.

She works full-time, is a full-time mom, and still has time to go work out.

Damn, dude.

How did you get her?

He's funny.

Yeah, you're a funny guy.

Sorry.

You know what?

I love you.

You're right.

I see your skill set.

No, taken.

Hopefully, not.

Honest none taken.

None taken.

He's building all this up to like shut us down.

Are you offended right now?

No.

I love you.

Yeah.

You know that?

Deeply.

Okay.

Fancy.

Fancy.

Does not.

Does not buy it.

It's emotional abuse.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is it an emotional abuse?

Yeah, I think if you were doing this to like your partner, they could like record it and show all their friends and they'd be mad at you.

Right?

Like that, like that Mel Gibson.

You should just shut up and blow me.

Andres is going to have this on loop in the courtroom.

Porg, porg, porg.

You know, I apologize, dude.

I'll use a different reference next time.

Okay.

Yeah.

I think it's just because he loves you.

Yeah.

We all are mean to each other because we love each other.

Thank you.

That's the only reason we do it.

That's the only reason.

Have you ever hooked up in the movie theater?

No, have you?

Oh, yeah.

With the movie's empty, right?

No, people were there.

You have to watch a bad movie, right?

No,

I got a hand tug over a coat, underneath a coat.

Like Remlins 5.

No one's in there, yeah.

You couldn't fucking it.

It fucking would be impossible.

I don't think so, dude.

Where are you fucking unless no one's in there?

Like in Germany, there's like on Pornhub videos of like Germans fucking.

That's a casted porno.

It's not hidden camera.

No, it's like a real movie playing in the background.

Yeah, but Germans are fucking lunatics.

They're lunatics.

Yeah.

It's like a movie.

Would you fuck me into Sieta?

They created two girls, one cup, bud.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

When are they going to add another cup?

Yeah.

They can't just share that one forever.

Yeah, no, I got a handy tug in a movie theater.

I thought that was kind of tight.

Was there a one girl, one cup?

I mean, why'd you go to the second movie first?

Elevated, dude.

Don't jump.

It went right to two.

Do part one.

Anyway.

You know what that reminds me of every time?

Every time somebody brings up two girls, one cup, I always think about cake farts.

Do you remember cake farts?

Oh, cake farts are great.

One of the best.

It's so good.

That was when the internet was really finding itself.

Now it's just evil and fucking dark and sad and nasty.

And you're like, you want to see a guy get killed live on Twitter?

Well, look, we're going to create our movie theater of Indian corn and cave butter.

Native corn.

And native corn.

So please come to our new movie theater.

And

they're going to be called

Fancy Corn.

what's the name of our theater chain we're gonna make a chain of theaters oh yeah you're good at naming things yeah you've always been good it's gotta go there's gotta be a la

la

there's gonna be like make it french you know what i mean la crochet la crochet prefil yeah that's what it's called the preferred crochet

crochet yeah yeah yeah so please come see the la prefur crochet yeah we'll have fancy native butter not indian sorry i said yeah yeah yeah we'll have cave butter cave butter all the fixins right no smart smart water.

You don't like that.

It's bullshit.

Yeah, it's bullshit.

Okay.

And we'll have filtered water.

No charge.

No charge.

And you can pee at your seat.

There's little colors.

Yeah.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Fire and ice.

What's up?

What is it?

It's a move called fire and ice.

Go on.

You get like mentos or like some sort of like mouthwash.

You make it super like crisp and stuff.

And you go down on them like a guy, like a girl does it to a guy.

And then what is this?

Call her daddy now?

What show are we doing?

Yeah, yeah.

Where's the fire part?

The ice.

It's like, it's like.

Oh, so it's ice and ice.

It's ice and ice.

The name is more just.

Where's the fire come from?

Yeah, where's the fire part?

You're super minty.

The mintal, the mint, the menthol and mint

makes it hot.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I got that wrong.

But the ice is like just super intense, and you go back and forth between the two.

One time in high school, this girl I was.

Okay.

Go ahead.

No, I mean, just, it doesn't make any sense.

Hit him.

Go ahead.

Hit him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hit him.

I could be remembering the escort app.

Yeah, I think it's just called ice.

It sounds like ice and ice.

Yeah, yeah.

The door fucking flips open, right?

There's guys with guns and stuff.

Is that what it is?

Show me your papers.

Yay.

You're just going down on ice agents?

Ice and ice.

Yeah.

No, I promise.

Have you ever had a blumpkin?

Oh, wait, what's that again?

I don't know.

It's where you get ahead when you're taking a poop.

That's right.

Yeah.

That's not a good one.

That's not a good one.

It's not a good one at all.

Yeah.

I mean...

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

Nah, it'd be fun.

I've never had that.

It'd be fun.

Yeah, yeah.

Kind of fun.

Yeah.

I've never had one.

A blump?

No, not even close.