Egg Nogging

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Oh, you have cookies in there? Oh, my God.
We're trying to get the nuggets here, dude. We're all from Trader Joe's, dude.
Is that from Teagers? Pass that 10, playa. Pass that 10, playboy.
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Let it rip today dude

Let it rip I'm ready for it

I agree

I'm so depressed

I get so depressed during the holidays

I can't even

It's a deep depression

You don't get depressed

You love it

I stay depressed

Thank you. I can't even it's like a it's a deep it's a deep depression you don't get depressed you love it I stay depressed let's see if this doesn't make it over the crack yeah December 1st is when it starts nope December 1st you get depressed all the way until January 5th what happens on Januaryth? Because the next day is our holiday.

Three kings.

What?

Three kings.

The crinkings happen.

Three crinks.

What's three kings?

What is it?

Let's start good.

Let's start good.

Let's not start like that.

But you get real depressed.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I could tell, dude.

Your face gets all red and all depressed, huh?

I had a massage today. And the woman said, is there anywhere I'm not allowed to touch? Really? I thought about you.
Well, there are some areas that you don't touch. I said, I don't want my face.
I don't like my face. I don't like my Achilles heel being touched.
Uh-uh. I don't want that damage at all, dude.
Didn't that happen to Troy? Who did that happen to?

Who's Troy?

Helen of Troy?

What?

Achilles.

Achilles.

Oh, Achilles, yeah.

What?

Achilles.

His name is not Troy?

No.

In Troy.

In Troy.

Oh, that's what it is.

Oh, here we go.

The Greek hero Achilles' only vulnerable spot was his heel,

left untouched until his mother dipped him in the river Styx, as in, that's where the band Styx gets their name from. Well, that's everyone's vulnerable spot.
Their heel? Well, mine's the taint. Mine goes the taint.
Taint. It's so vulnerable, my taint.
It's tickly wickly. I know, but there's probably a layer of skin that's not missing.
There's something about the taint that area. Do you know what the taint is? No.
Can you guess what a taint is? It's on your taint is it's on your body i'm guessing like on your feet no well some of mine's on my feet yeah he's got a little stretch down stretches down to my feet uh on the vagina no it's the area between your balls and your butthole or your vag and the butthole the taint is a little that little skin yeah that

little gap oh not little some people have huge taints i hate the way this is starting all right it's not holiday spirit no don't i don't this the way. Oh, what fun it to ride one whole punch rate.
Hey. Jingle bell, jingle bell.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Murder, girl, girl.
Dude, Asian Santa at the mall. Dude.
See the owner of my rapper. Have you been a good boy?

There's no chimneys in Japan.

Are there chimneys in Japan? 100% there's chimneys in Japan. What are you talking about?

How did Santa get in there?

Not only

yes, there are chimneys in Japan.

They're not commonly seen.

Because a lot of times you see in the city, it's all buildings.

It's all high rises.

I grew up in a high rise

in the city when I was a kid.

I grew up in an apartment building and I said to my mom, how does Santa even get in? We don't have a chimney. Right.
And she goes, he comes through the front door. And I thought, what an invasive thing to do.
Because the reason why Hiroshima and Nagasaki, it was so devastating is because the houses. No, but before the bombs, know what they did firebombs yeah why why why was that so warning shots no that's not why why why was fire fire bombs so detrimental in those um Japanese cities teach me Mr.
Know-It-All wood what their houses made are like rice paper and wood bamboo no really yeah what i know yeah yeah well why didn't you answer it the first time then because i wanted you to say it i don't think you know most japanese cities were built highly flammable materials like wood and paper yeah extremely vulnerable to large-scale fires when bombed resulting in massive civilian casualties widespread destruction of destruction of infrastructure, significant impact on morale. Yeah, you'd think.
If your house burned down, that would bum you out a little bit. It was devastating back then.
You weren't even there. I was there, definitely.
You were? Yeah, yeah. I was a baby.
You were a baby in Japan? It was so devastating. Japan, Korea.
I crawled to Korea. You did? Yeah, dude.
It's a long crawl. I know, dude.
And I swam. You that's devastating well merry christmas merry christmas you know you know we can say merry christmas now because trump is president we're allowed to go back oh yeah thank god whatever happened to kwanzaa it's still a little thing have you heard of kwanzaa december 26th dude oh the kwanzaa kwanzaa is just so they've got a hanukkah like candles right you light How many candles are there? Let me see the Kwanzaa Kwanzaa is just So they've got a Hanukkah like candles How many candles are there? Let me see the Kwanzaa So there's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 Yeah So it's 8 for Hanukkah Whoa look at the black one in the middle What does that mean? And look at those guys on the outside fighting them Keeping them, keeping the man down The seven candles in the Kinara symbolize The seven principles of Kwanzaa And what are the seven principles of Kwanzaa I'd like to know I can guess Thou shall not do incest No We want that Alright hold on here Umoja means unity in Swahili.
So strive to maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race. Say that one.
Go ahead, Rudy. Kujichagulia.
Kujichagulia. This principle refers to naming, creating, and speaking for oneself.
Self-determination. Ujama.
Ujima. Well, these sound Korean.
Ujima. Nia.
Ujima. Nia.
Kumba. Kumba.
Umani. Imani.
Oh, I met a girl named Imani in college. Was she black? Was she black? No.
Oh, fuck. Yeah, of course she was.
It's a miracle. Yeah.
Faith. Community.
Faith. This is all kind of the same thing.
This is kind of nice. I think we should celebrate Kwanzaa this year.
I have eggnog. See, I think that's what it is.
You need eggnog? No, no, no. I think that coming in with your Christmas vibes, McCone, has sort of like rattled me.
I love Christmas. Give him some eggnog.
Give me some eggnog. Have you ever had eggnog? I've never.
Wait, seriously? They don't have that in the Philippines, huh? I haven't even built a gingerbread house. Well, you can take that home and build it.
That was a gift from us to you. Thank you.
And you can eat it when you're done. This is a Dave Attell joke.
You know what eggnog is? Elf cum. Yeah, I love that.
Whoa. It's just milk? No.
No, no, no. No, it's eggnog.
It's eggnog. It's something different.
It's yellow. Ooh, thick.
Yeah, there we go. Thank you.
Give some for Jules. Yeah, give some for Jules.
You want some? No, thank you. Mmm, really good eggnog.
You like it? Really good. Give me the carton.
Yeah, yeah. Give me the carton.
You're going to love it. You are going to love it.
Hold on, get out of the way while she drinks it. Do it again.
I like this. You do? It's really good, right? It's really sweet.
really sweet It's sweet So you want to know what's in it?

Yeah

Yeah

Milk, cream, sugar

Eggnog base

Which is sugar, egg yolks

And natural flavors

Nutmeg, turmeric

Citric acid

Cinnamon

Cinnamon's got to be in it

Cinnamon, stabilizers

Guar gum

Carrageenian

Which is

And then locust bean gum

From locusts

You know because locusts have big mouths

Big mouths

And they have big gums

Look at that

There it is Thank you. Guar gum, carrageenian, and then locust bean gum from locusts.

You know, because locusts have big mouths.

Big mouths.

And they have big gums.

Look at that.

There it is.

Yeah.

Locust bean gum.

Those are their mouths.

Those are their mouths.

So you're eating a locust right now.

It tastes good.

It tastes good.

Yeah, yeah.

But it coats your mouth a little too thick for me.

Yeah, there is a cummy.

Like, let me see your tongue.

Show me your tongue.

It's like a cummy vibe. Yeah, coated.
It's like, you can't, you don't want to do this at Christmas dinner. So, will you do me a favor? And McCone, why don't you come? It's so fluffy.
Delicious. You don't want to do that Christmas dinner? No, not at the dinner.
Especially if there's gays there. Or anywhere.
Because when the gays are there, they get fucking crazy. Carlos.
Carlos is in Texas, I think. Yeah, Merry Christmas.
This is my gift to you guys. Yeah, that's actually nice that he's gone.
Do you miss him? Kind of. Yeah? He's in Texas.
He's in Texas. So I rewatched a TV show last night.
And I think it's one of the greatest shows that no one's watched what is it it's called um it's called kingdom oh this is the the mma show no oh what's it's a korean show on netflix called kingdom have you seen it it's the greatest show i think i mean i've seen it twice now there's two seasons it's so fucking good and nobody watches it well someone must they're on

a second or third season right yeah they did two seasons and then a movie based on kingdom it's so

fucking good and oh god i can't and no one like i i can't talk to anybody about it what is it

white people in it no it's all koreans yeah And it's also, oh my God. Does it have white people in it? Yeah, yeah.
Can I just tell you what it's about? Yeah, of course. So it's ancient Korea.
I'm already out. That's what I mean.
Yeah. Yeah, that's already, yeah.
You're right. If there's anything ancient, it's got to be China.
We can only see ancient Chinese shit. So it's ancient Korea, right? And it's like a Game of Thrones-y kind of a show where there's like, what's going on? Game of Thrones.
Right? Yeah, the guy's pitching. I was like, imagine Game of Thrones.
Yeah, but are you saying singular? No, Game of Thrones. All of them.
Too many thrones. Or everyone.
Every thrones. Everybody.
You know what I mean? And they go, okay. And they're like, and then, but then you know Walking Dead.
Oh, Walking Dead. Walking Dead.
But it's walk. Walking Dead.
You know? You know how the number. Zombie.
The fried Walking Dead. The Yeah You can put Sailor walks Okay You put walk Perfect In the show It's like Product placement Product placement Okay So what is your show about? Okay so Ancient Korea Got it Right Game of Thrones Got it Thrones.
Got it. Right, Walking Dead.
Got it. Put it together.
Oh. Yeah, we are kingdom.
Oh. Yeah.
We'll buy it. Yeah.
That does sound like that's how it got sold in the room. Right.
Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, set in ancient Korea. Okay, so I'll get you.
That's a good pitch. So I'll give you the premise.
Yeah. There's a king.
Mm-hmm. All right.
He's an emperor.

Okay.

Let me guess.

Is it set during the Joseon dynasty?

Yes.

How'd you know?

How'd you know?

How'd you know?

How'd you know?

How'd you know?

Pretty good guess, I guess.

All right.

And so he remarried and he had, you know, the queen is a concubine, one of his concubines.

Oh, this must have been taking place during the Imjin War.

Is that true or no? How do you know know that i know a little bit of korean history seriously you saw the show in the 17th century no i know a little bit of korean history keep going please talk to me i want it but i'm just i know some of those things okay anyway um does it follow based on is it based on real people like lee chang is yeah yeah yeah follows lee chang shut the fuck up dude shut the fuck up dude what shut the fuck up did you see it okay anyway let me finish i know lee chang is the crown power how the fuck you know that what do you mean i know some ancient oh you're reading it no yeah you're reading it no i'm not all right anyway stop reading it all right let me pitch it to you Okay listen jules all right okay all right so um so this this concubine she's young right and she's pregnant right and he's old super old emperor right but he already he already had a son he's a good guy his son is a good guy yeah so when the king dies right the emperor dies his son is gonna become emperor but the concubine's like,

I'm pregnant.

Oh,

and I have the next.

Right,

and if my baby gets born,

right,

right?

I love this.

Right,

and then the emperor's dying,

he's so old.

So there's a herb

out in the mountains,

right?

And it's,

it,

there's like worms

attached to this herb

and so when you eat the herb, the worms turn into these fucking worms and they attack your brain. You turn into a zombie.
Whoa. Right? So she's like trying to prolong the king's life because he's dying.
So she feeds him this flower. So he stays alive until she gives birth.
Because if he dies, then he's automatically emperor, this other son. Whoa.
What? This is wild. No, you're kidding.
I feel like you don't like it. I love it.
Yeah, yeah, right? I thought it was going to go a different way. No, no, no, no, right.
So the emperor's oldest son is like going, he knows that his dad's sick. He's already dead, but he's a zombie.
And they're locked up. He's locked up in his fortress.
But he's technically still alive. He's technically still alive.
But the bitch, concubine, isn't really even pregnant. She lied.
She puts a thing in there to pretend, right? She lied. And she's on the side gathering women all over that are pregnant and seeing if they're males.
She's trying to find- To steal the baby. Steal a baby.
Whoa. Right.
And then what happens is the emperor, he's in the fortress and there's a little servant who feeds him like humans flesh. Right.
But the boy gets bitten. And he turns into a zombie Yeah but he dies And some people don't turn into a zombie he just died

But what happens is

The doctor brings him to a different town

To um dies and some people don't turn into zombie he just died yeah but what happens is the doctor brings him to a different town to um just do an autopsy uh-huh but that town is so hungry that one of the villagers chops him the boy's carcass up and feeds it to the villagers i can i can see why people didn't watch this and then the villagers oh dude i know I know. Okay, can I just say this? It's too much.
No, no. Okay.
There's this. After the first.
Anyone will listen. The first episode, the very end scene.
Watch it. It is incredible.
I'll say this. Okay.
It sounds good. It went a little too wonky donkey.
Here's what it should have been. She's pregnant.
She's actually. The show's a hit.
What are you talking about? If they did two seasons. You you can't rewrite it i'm rewriting okay all right you won't it wasn't hit you just said it lasted two and then they killed it and no one watched it you started this off by saying nobody watched this fucking show so clearly it wasn't a hit it wasn't a hit here's how it would have been great take it out of the fantasy world of zombies just make it so that she's pregnant and there is a team of people who are trying to kill her so this baby doesn't get born so that this other other next to kin gets the kingdom so it's a war of trying to kill this woman to get this baby out of her so she she's not carrying the next king no i love that better than eating a worm in the brain and they keep them in the but these villagers that eat...
I don't like zombies. That's my...
You know I don't. Oh, you don't like zombies.
Can I ask you about zombies? Zombies doesn't do it for me. I have a thought about zombies.
You like zombies? I like zombies. Okay.
Yeah. If you watch any...
Have we talked about zombies before on the show? Probably. We love zombies.
We like zombies. Have you thought...
We'll come and listen, okay? You're a director. So rude to do that with Andres right now.

I know, I know, I know.

You know?

So when you see, like, Walking Dead or anything,

you don't like talking about this?

No, no, I want to hear it.

You just sigh.

I'm just fat right now.

You look great.

No, brother, I lit the mirror this morning, 205.

206, I think it was yesterday.

Fatty, fatty, patty, waddy.

Yeah.

Fatty, patty wagon.

I was just eating bullshit. When I watch The walking dead what when you see you see average zombies you mean looks wise they're essentially average people who turn it into average zombies right yeah so they're all wearing like you know a workman's jacket right just regular regular people la5 right la5 but You never see dwarf zombie.
Oh, yeah.

You never see that.

No, Brad will.

No. are people off.
LA5. Right? LA5.
But you never see dwarf zombie.

Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean?

You never see that.

No, Brad.

No, Brad will.

You never see

spinal bifida zombie.

You know what I mean?

Right.

Right?

You never see

600 pounds zombie

just in a bed.

Why not?

And he's eating

deep fried brains

or whatever.

You know what I mean?

What?

Right?

Why is that?

I don't know why.

You got to mix it up.

Right? It's always like. Well, have you seen seen the last of us there's different kinds of zombies but those are mushroom zombies what no what i'm talking is that what you're saying yeah no what i'm saying is yeah i mean people turning into a mushroom zombie i'm not talking but what happened to their you know i mean if they're if they're ocd or whatever you gotta put that into it like why isn't there Like Zabi walking over a crack 15 times.
You know what I mean? If they're OCD or whatever. You gotta put that into it.
Like, why isn't there autistic? Yeah, just got a zombie like walking over a crack 15 times. You know what I mean? Like, he loses the OCD when he becomes a zombie.
You know what I mean? Or the racism. Right.
You know what I mean? Right? Racism. Yeah, the zombies are just going for the black guy.
Right? Right. Like, they were like fucking KKK.
They turned zombie. You never, who who they were the essence of who they were are gone you don't you don't there's no autistic zombies yeah that's what i'm saying yeah a bunch of zombies by a train track just eating people by train tracks all day immobile zombies right it's like it's always the same there are fat zombies in touch of the Dead.
Oh, fat zombies.

But that's the first time.

The Walking Dead, No Man's Land,

fat walkers are particularly dangerous

and they can tank more dead than normal walkers.

So yeah, I guess there is.

Yeah.

There's a few, but what you're saying

is there needs to be more DEI in the zombie world.

Yeah, like MMA zombie.

Right.

Putting in an arm lock, but by, you know what I mean?

Just like their old self. More, more of that.
But I want to see dwarves. LP zombies.
Yeah. LPZs.
Yeah, and you just kick them. And they land on their back.
They have just little legs they can't get back up. They're just going.
You know, I always, do you ever think about stuff like that? Oh, every day life like vampire like vampires where are they where's the 600 pound vampire that drinks too much blood yeah yeah he drinks way too much and his buddies are going dude it's too much yeah your blood sugar you just killed a giraffe your blood sugar sugar levels right through the roof that's what i'm saying like a like a vampire with. No, they should.
Yeah. I don't know why.
Well, one would assume it's because they're dead. They don't have to fucking adhere to any rules.
So they're going to stay the same shape and size. Like, do you imagine when you die, will this be the body that you embody in the afterlife? Or do you think you get a new body? That's okay.
So this is what I was thinking, my friend. That's a very good question.
Yeah. Do you get a new body? So I was watching 600 Pound so i was watching 600 pound life the other day love it was one of my favorite shows right good and a lot of them they just die fat which is bad right i feel so i feel awful and awful but when they get to heaven right are they 600 pounds up there right do they get a new shell or do they just fall immediately through the sky they die and they're like yeah and yeah.
And they fall, right? Because you're up there. Too heavy for the clouds.
Too heavy for the clouds. Yeah.
Or like he's trying to get through the pearly gates and he can't get in. Dude, so funny.
What? Too fat for the pearly gates. Too fat for the pearly gates.
Imagine. You never think that.
And what's his name? St. Peter? Who's at the gate? Yeah, St.
Peter. Imagine St.
Peter's like, buddy. Buddy, yeah.
Go back down. Walk a couple laps around the clouds and come on back.
You're never going to make it up there. Yeah.
Never going to make it. My buddy Zach's got a great joke.
I'm going to tell his joke about hell. Have I told you this joke? Oh, I told you in the car in Australia.
Yeah, tell me about it. And a guy says, this guy goes to hell, right? And he gets down there and it's okay.
It's not that bad. And then Hitler, the devil comes up to him and goes, hey, how you liking it? He's like, honestly, that's, I mean, it's okay.
He goes, all right, right on. He's like, you like pizza? He's like, yeah, I love pizza.
He's like, oh, dude, you are gonna love Mondays. Mondays, we have a brick oven pizza right back there.
We use the flames and we all get pizza. We eat all night and drink beer.
It's awesome. Yeah.
He's like, you like tacos? Yeah. He says, yeah, I love tacos.
Dude, you're going to love Tuesday. On Tuesday, we all have tacos.
We gather around together. We drink beer and eat tacos.
It's incredible. Yeah.
All right? And he says- You like Wednesday? No. Not how he goes.
He goes he says please i like it better though he says do you like anal sex with men yeah and he goes no he goes you're gonna hate wednesday did you guys put up christmas lights when you were a kid bro bro what are you talking about i just asked you a legitimate question one morning my dad goes wakes me up with merry christmas i go okay and he goes he gave me 200 bucks right that was christmas it gets worse it was july is that korean christmas in july yeah i mean they don't know anything about so you never did any decoration my parents knew nothing about any holiday you didn't get a tree ever you yeah no i mean we had a tree right when i was eight and i kid you not i'm not this is not even a joke that tree stayed in my house for seven years no yeah the pines had fallen off and my mom would put squid on it the branches to dry the squid well it is a nice way to dry out the squid and it gets i swear to god that's not even a joke what is it what is christmas christmas in korea what is it like let's see what it's like down there for christmas koreans yeah tell me they do it's considered a national holiday in korea most employees have a day off from work but where can you look this up later i mean whatever when that was a thing i don't think it was like that when my parents grew up well right, right. I think my parents, because when they came to America in the 1960s, they knew nothing about it.
So when did it become a thing? The concept of Christmas was introduced. Oh, right.
It was before. It was, yeah.
Really? It was the late 1700s and 1800s. My parents didn't care.
Don Gipsinumum introduced as Christmas is an important holiday described by christian events in detail so in the late 1700s well your parents were way before that your mom was born in like 1504 no no four what that boggles my mind because my parents pretended like they didn't know like we don't know yeah but check this out this has got to be socioeconomic too right like i'm sure your parents didn't grow up with anything they couldn't afford christmas they were struggling to survive. Yeah, I don't...
This has got to be socioeconomic too, right? Like I'm sure your parents didn't grow up with anything. They couldn't afford Christmas.
They were struggling to survive. Yeah, I don't.
This has got to be privileged people in Korea that had money could celebrate Christmas. Maybe.
Not your fucking parents. Maybe, yeah.
Their families didn't come from a lot of money. Well, don't say that like that.
That's a good thing. No, my parents.
Look at. My mom says we were royal.
No, they weren't. Yeah, the royal bloodline.
No chance. My dad's side were ghetto.
My parents' side, my mom's side was royal. My grandfather, remember I told you about the hill that my mom used to walk down? Yeah.
That was like one house on a mountain. How did you guys fall so far? What do you mean? Well you were royals and now you're...
No but she married my ghetto dad. yeah yeah so she married down sounds like a hallmark movie yeah titanic yeah she married down she married titanic yeah she married down dude that sucks she married down for love yeah turns out wasn't worth it got two shitty kids and yeah i think it wasn't worth it no yeah but once it happens what are you gonna do stay in love yeah you just gotta stay in love until one of them dies that's really you just gotta slug it out until somebody dies yeah that's what love really is but at least they didn't get like i saw tiktok and you know that kid or we talked about it already but like a kid that has like autism like severe autism violent yeah like, like fights his parents.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, at least they didn't have that.
No, they had drug addict children. That's true.
That's much easier to handle. You think so? Well, I think because it's through compassion that they understand that you're probably using drugs because you have an addictive bloodline.
They didn't know about it. They don't know about it.
No, but you can empathize. There's something in your bone.
Your mom has a very empathetic way. Yeah.
Do you know what I mean? Are you wearing your socks over your sweatpants like that? Yeah, because it's cold. Your ankles were that cold? Yeah.
Did you celebrate Christmas in the Philippines? Yeah, even like all the poor people, they still celebrate Christmas. Right.
But when they got nothing, what happens? It was just another day. It's fine.
Really? So like, because remember we went to the Philippines. Yeah.
Remember that one field, not a field, but it was like a goat tied to like a stick? Yeah. And then we brought spaghetti.
Yeah. You feed spaghetti to the goat? No, no.
We took like hundreds of spaghettis, boxes of spaghetti to feed the hungry. And then they ran out of these huts.
Can I call them huts? I think so. They're made of huts.
I know, but it seems like just I'm being mean. What are they made out of? Sticks.
Sticks and mud? Sticks, stones, yeah. That's a hut.
That's a hut you, thank you Yeah, yeah That's undeniably a hut Yeah, so we bring a van Sticks and stones We open it up We open up the van And there's these boxes of spaghetti That we all, you know Yeah And then out comes Kids completely naked Eee You know what I mean? Spaghetti Yeah, yeah And they took the spaghetti And in my mind I'm like What do they get for Christmas? Spaghetti. Yeah, yeah.
And they took the spaghetti. And in my mind, I'm like, what do they get for Christmas? Spaghetti.
No. Really? I mean.
And that poor goat. What, they were going to eat it, right? No, I don't know.
Were they eating it? No, some Filipinos, they just take care of it as their pets. So why poor goat? He's getting taken care of.
He didn't look healthy. Oh, right.

It was like...

You think I'm making fun of?

Why'd you roll your eyes?

What's going on here?

Oh, there's a ghost, dude.

There's a ghost here.

He back.

Oh, that just fell.

Yeah, what are you doing, McCone?

Good job, Cone.

Guess, you know.

Yeah, good job, Cone.

We had the B team today. You golfed today? No, I can't because of my back.
Oh, well, why are you tired then? I think last night I just couldn't go to bed. I had one of those nights where my brain was moving and I was going through my fucking set in my mind about what I want to finalize for the hour and then I couldn't go to bed and then I went downstairs and then I a midnight snack.
And that's going to keep you up for another fucking hour. What was the snack? Oh, I had such a good little fucking snack.
What was that? Little Hawaiian rolls, you know, little puffy Hawaiian rolls. I love those things, yeah.
With leftover beef tenderloin that we had. And I warmed it up so the American cheese melted all over that fucking thing.
Oh my Lord. And I had a little bit of onions and peppers left over.
Wow. Oof, buddy.
So I had two of those and then I was up. Once you eat that midnight snack shit, you're up.
You're not going back to bed. We gotta let that digest first.
Well, that's why I stayed up for a little while. Yeah.
You know when people wake, do you wake up in the middle of the night to pee? Oh yeah. Do you wake up in the middle of the night to poop too? No.
I've started to do that. Yeah.
I'll wake up to poop sometimes. Sometimes I have to hold my pee.
You know why? Why? Because if I open the door The cats All three cats Are just waiting there Waiting for you to wake up? 24-7 If I close a door They're just waiting there like this And I hold my pee I go I don't want to deal with them What are they going to do? Just walk around? No they try to get in But. But what do they do? Sometimes I'll open it and one will scurry it

and then go underneath the bed

and then now I have to like

go underneath the bed

and grab them.

What do they do

if you're in the room

when you're sleeping?

You don't even know they're there.

They just kind of walk around.

No, because you understand

cats are nocturnal animals.

Yeah, they're up.

So at four in the morning

Goonie thinks he's the Flash.

He's jumping around.

Yeah, you know what I mean? And so I can't have him in the room. You just hear crazy shit.
You know what I mean? You'll stay awake. Yeah, there's no way.
So I have to barricade. You know, I barricade it.
Wow. With objects and all kinds.
It's a whole system. So if I open it, then I got to put the fucking barricades back up.
Yeah. And I've already peed, right? So now I'm already awake because I'm doing physical activity.
You know what I mean? So it's like I sometimes just hold it. What's going on over your forehead? Nothing.
Oh, just it? No. Yeah, she's breaking out a little bit.
A little bit, huh? Cuspa dandruff. What? Cuspa dandruff? Cuspa is dandruff.
Yes. What do you mean, cuspa? Cuspa is the word for dandruff.
In what language? In Spanish. Really? Caspa is dandruff? Caspa.
Is that the same thing in the Philippines? Wow. Dandruff.
How would you know that? Were you called Caspa Boy when you were a kid? Little Caspa. That's Fancy B's new name.
Wait, what does Caspa mean again? Dandruff. Flakes.
You have dandruff on your forehead. That's why Cosper was named Cosper.
That right here. It's pimples here.
That's a pimple. That's what I meant.
And I have... I thought you said you have dandruff on your forehead.
I thought you have dandruff without the hair? That's incredible. Why do you have dandruff? Why do you have dandruff? I don't know.
Your scalp is dry? I wash my hair every day. That's exactly why.
You're not supposed to wash it every day. No, but if I don't wash it every day and it gets oily and it gets heavy.
Yeah, but there's tricks to it. Doesn't your aunt have a fucking hair care line? Jesus Christ.
Use that hair care line. Pay attention.
I do. No, but honestly, don't wash your hair every day.
It's not good for it. It actually gets it more oily you know if you wash it too much it's bad for it okay did you yeah did you see the final of great british bake-off i haven't watched the last episode but i but in my mind i know who won tell me um uh uh the young good-looking kid i can't remember his name but don't say anything can i no please? No.
Please. I'm going to watch it.
I'm going to tell you. No, because some of our fans haven't seen it yet.
So don't do that. Okay.
Yeah, you can't spoil it for them. But by the way, the Great British Baking Show.
But it made me cry. Top tier television.
Top tier television. Is that just top tier? There's a wholesomeness about it.
Beautiful. And a warmth about it that like is none of that's in my own life.
Or in American culture. That's only happened in the British competition shows.
It doesn't happen in the American competition shows. Yeah.
Do you know why? I have the secret. I want to know.
Money. There's no prize money in the British shows.
Zero. It's all for pride.
All the fucking American shows are based on Top Chef. You can win $100,000.
Yeah, it's all for pride all the fucking american shows are based on top chef you can win a hundred thousand dollars yeah it's star trek shit exactly yeah that's exactly star trek there's no money no money yeah yeah in that world the goal is pride it's a pride it's it's it yeah being bonding with other human being community community and they don't have the yeah you're right exactly It's all like, give me the money. Yeah, yeah.
I want to be Ruben Stutter. Yeah.
Yeah. Like when Paul Hollywood gives you a handshake, I literally tear up.
That's more than money. That's the point.
That's more than much. That's more than money.
That's more than much. But I'm saying, you can't.
I don't know what that means, but. That's more than much.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't replay.
There's Paul Hollywood right there's Paul Hollywood right now right there sexy sexy you watch the show Fox it's the best show on television he so what happens is it's a baking show and when he tastes something it's usually something that he can't make because he's one of the best bread bakers in the world in the world in the world right so sometimes you know they're amateur bakers and sometimes he'll eat it and he'll chew it you can tell what's going on in his mind he's like holy shit that was good right and every once in a while he'll go handshake and when the contestant gets a handshake they start crying because they know that he doesn't give those up often and they know that it's excellence pure excellence it's such a great show and Prue is fun to look at too I love Prue the comedy it's okay they've tried to hire well they used to have a couple of comedians come and go on the show why do they even need to do it I think because it kills time I think it's a filler that's Prue right there we love Pr on her. Zoom in, by the way.
Yeah. She's got the thickest head of hair.

I know.

It's beautiful.

What flavor does she not like?

Wait, hold on.

This is funny.

Yeah.

There's something that she doesn't like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's an ingredient.

Paul Hollywood's the same way.

He doesn't like,

because he said it to the young guy too,

in the middle of the season.

Let me guess.

Matcha? No, matcha he doesn't like. That's what they call it.
He doesn't like matcha. Matcha, yeah.
They don't like matcha. He doesn't like matcha.
But she doesn't like, I'll tell you. Hold on, hold on.
Give me a hint. Give me one little hint.
It's something that we eat in our sandwiches. We make our sandwiches out of it.
Make our sandwiches out of it? It's like a filling for a sandwich. Oh, an ingredient.
Yeah, yeah. Peanut butter.
Yes. Yeah, she hates peanut butter.
She doesn't like peanut butter. I remember this.
By the way, how do you not like peanut butter? How do you not like it? It's the greatest adventure ever. You like peanut butter? It's so good.
What do they have? What are you, chunky or creamy? Brother. Well, let me guess.
Just like my cum. Chunky, chunky, chunky.
Oh, chunky, chunky. Chunky, chunky, chunky.
Just like I like my pussy. Chunky my pussy chunky chunky chunky i like my peanut butter like i like my pussy chunky chunky chunky dude i love chunky i want to crunch on it i want to feel the bite yeah that is that is the thing because when we what is that discharge you know when you crumble chips inside of your peanut butter and jelly sandwich yeah you need the crunch When you have potato chips And the chunky peanut butter Oh my Wait wait You do peanut butter Wait wait wait stop stop Crumble up potato chips And put them inside the peanut butter and jelly sandwich You gotta be kidding me Like Lay's No you've never done Ruffles You gotta show me Ruffles Oh bro Oh my god Oh my god I gotta try it It's one of my favorite things on earth Are you sure Are you tricking me You will love love it you guys have never done this you never crumbled up chips on the inside of a peanut butter jelly sandwich my god it's fucking phenomenal there are potato chips in there look at that there you go yeah you crumble up so those are kettle cooked this might be kettle cooked might be a little bit too much you need something that's a little bit easier to break because kettles kind of cut the roof of your mouth if you catch them at a wrong angle so what is it the saltiness of it? Yeah.
It's the crunch. Just put salt in it then.
No, no, no, no, no. Okay.
And also flavor. You got to pick a good flavor you like.
Oh my God. I've never even seen that before.
As we must. As we must.
It's white people shit. It's shit that you guys hide.
We've been hiding it for a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why do you hide shit like that? Well, let me tell you something. I was going to the meeting last week and I said, can we share this with the others? And all of the whites were like, we'd rather you not.

Oh, the white? But I said, you know.

How many people are at the white meeting?

Well, what's our local?

Our local 416 is what?

I don't know.

There's like 100 people there or something like that.

Yeah, 1-120.

1-100-120, depending on who.

And then what?

So let me.

Because I've always wanted to know about white meetings.

Yeah.

Right?

But can I tell you real fast before you ask?

Okay.

I said, I want to share some of this with my Asian best friend.

Live it.

They kicked me out of this sanction.

Oh, you're invited?

Really?

He's a co-chair.

Out of all the people in our area, he's the co-chair?

Well, he's a co-chair of this.

I mean, Steve Carell lives around here.

Yeah, well.

Does Carell go?

He is the Illuminati chair.

Oh, there's different.

Yeah.

Oh, I see. He's not there.
Uh-uh. Yeah.
Well, he beams in. He beams in.
Oh, you have, okay. Yeah, we see him.
Wait, what do you got to, but ask, go ahead. Oh, may I? Yeah.
May I? So, I have so many questions. I mean, I'll answer one right now.
Yeah, Snow was originally black. We made it white.
That was my first question. Yep.
Oh my God. Snow was originally.
I did not know that.

Wow.

Yep.

Yeah.

Are there any black angels?

McCone knows the answer.

Yeah.

Do you know that?

You know that?

Tell him about the, tell him.

He asked, are there black angels?

And go ahead.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cause you guys have all the, like the Dead Sea Scrolls or whatever you have.

Correct.

Right.

Yeah.

Tell him.

Correct. Yeah.
Are there black angels? I don't think I'm allowed to tell them. Are you nervous about this question? All right, well, we could bypass the question.
Would you like to come to one of these meetings? We are looking for staff. Yeah, I mean, I'd be honored, but, you know, I'm not.
Well, you'd be working the meeting. You'd be working.
I know, but so you have non-whites working in gonna do that shit that's disgusting we're not gonna oh but would I be able to eventually move my way up the channel and be white there's room to shift what do you mean well it's mostly it's mostly lateral oh it's this way yeah yeah I don't want that I would rather not you'd be there. I understand that.
I mean, I've always wanted to see a white meeting, right? I mean, if I'm doing the janitorial stuff, like sweeping and all that stuff. You would be.
Would I be able to peek in and watch what's going on or no? Perhaps. I need a guarantee here, babe.
Well, my dear, you pass one of the tests and you can. The baby blood? That's not, you don't get those tests.
Oh, what does the minorities get?

Tell them.

Yeah, tell us, McCone.

Give them one of the minorities.

Yeah, yeah.

You remember them.

You just got, you just got,

you had your exam a week ago.

Yeah.

You know, you're enacting some of it.

What is it?

What is the, what is,

what is minorities' first task here?

One of the minorities' first tasks is. Can you talk into the mic, please? Handling the catering for everything is one.
You know. Just, I mean, we call that anti-comedy.
Anti-anti. Yeah, yeah.
And you know we edit the show. You could say anything.
This could have been so fun. You could say anything.
Yeah, that was the most anti-comedy. This bit I don't know why it scares me.
It wasn't even bad. I know.
You know what's funny? I'm just basically explaining Scientology. That's all I'm going to tell.
I know. So what is it? I don't know if about, I don't know.
Fucking, I don't know. I don't know about cults.
Oh, okay.

No, this bit does scare you.

For some reason,

this bit will be taken out of context and they'll be like,

they really are in a cult.

You literally never said anything bad.

I know.

It's obviously a joke.

No, no, but it's funny how someone on the internet

will be like,

were they really joking?

Were they really joking about this white meeting?

Yeah, yeah.

And you know what?

You'll never know.

You'll never know. That's insane we don't have one i'll tell you this i mean the bit was going so good yeah macone squished i know you got yeah it was going so good here's the christmas mood i'm not in a cult mood all right we'll get to christmas christmas is a cult First of all, Christmas is a cult.
This is the most cult.

We decorate, we change the way we look and feel.

You're worshiping a sun god.

Yeah, we're worshiping a sun god, my dude.

How is this?

How is Christmas not a cult?

Every holiday is culty.

You get together.

You chant.

By the way, what do we do at Christmas?

What do the whites do?

We sing songs together.

Have you ever caroled?

Culty.

Absolutely not, man. I've sheiled, but I've never caroled oh yeah yeah I'll be right yeah yeah no I've never caroled because I can't sing I'm not a singer you know you're a very good singer dude cut it out oh my god dude on the road cut it out will you do you're great honestly stop it do do do do do that no you know what though i do my dad does make us sing like the like a like a like a real Stop it.
Do that.

No, you know what though?

I do.

My dad does make us sing like a real, yeah, JV makes us sing. Yeah, yeah.

Like a real white family we sing together.

I love that man.

There's a funny clip, man.

I wish I could show you.

He loves you.

Dude, he loves you.

He was like, how was Thanksgiving?

I said, great.

He goes, did Bobby come by?

I said, nah, he was going to Michael Bay's house.

At the time you were. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You didn't end up going. No.
You know he missed Michael Bay's Thanksgiving? They blow up the turkey. They do.
Yeah, it's incredible. It's incredible.
Yeah. But he uses film still.
Yeah. He really does.
I went to Palm Springs. Yeah, you went a little journey.
I took a date out in Palm Springs And can I tell you when you said that The jealousy in my soul Because I haven't been in a while And Palm Springs in the winter Yeah My favorite It's beautiful We were at Mastro's Oh out in the Palm Springs Oh yeah It was Packed Really? I could not believe how packed it was I mean it's beautiful out there they do all the lights and the decorating i mean you're talking about the i had to wait an hour and i had reservations it was like we're sorry wait a minute yeah did you do the what it's me you did the it's me it's probably and they still let you need it well okay for comedy yeah I get it yeah you know they let him in

yeah

but you went out there

on a little journey

yeah and then I drove back

I should have maybe

gone to my

I don't know

but anyway

I would have wished

you came over

because I was talking

with my friend

I go

the last Christmas

I was in Chicago

I mean the last Thanksgiving

at my house

was that your house

yeah

what a great fucking

we had so much fun

I'll always remember that

everybody

my mom and dad

just I mean

everyone loves you

but

what'd you do for Thanksgiving

we just had to

Thank you. Was that your house? Yeah.
What a great fucking- We had so much fun. I'll always remember that.
Everybody, my mom and dad, just, I mean, everyone loves you, but- What'd you do for Thanksgiving? We just had a small dinner with the family. Yeah.
The family, but not including us. So not the family.
Well, I was a part of the family at one point. You've been removed.
You're always invited. You're the one that doesn't want to go.
That's not true. That's not true.
That's not true. And you know what? Honestly, you're projecting.
You don't want him to go. So you say to Auntie Kalilah, you say, what if we don't invite Tito Bobby this year? No.
That's what I heard. Let me give you an example.
Okay, go. Okay.
If Darth Vader and the Emperor, right? Yeah. And Boba Fett and all had a right.
No, that's not the right. No, I got it right here okay let's say I'm Luke Skywalker I'm gonna do a Star Wars right and I was gonna go tattooing to go to Thanksgiving right but you guys invited Darth Vader would Luke Skywalker want to go to Thanksgiving why would you invite Darth Vader he's just there and what's he doing there It's his dad He's making up Yeah yeah Oh interesting That's a bad example Yeah I don't like any of that Given that detail Yeah Yeah I mean You understand why You're always invited That's a I don't like that phrase Because what does that mean? Yeah People think No one invited me by the way Yeah So I assume that I'm invited Well did you want to go? Yeah So no one invited me That's the way.
Yeah. So I have to assume that I'm invited.
Well, did you want to go? Yeah. So no one invited me.
That's because I invited you. No, she didn't.
Yeah, so, you know. I want you to live with that.
You have to assume. I think I'm going to show up because I assume I'm invited.
Because I'm always invited. Right, but that's not the case.
That's not the case. Because Bobby doesn't want to go.
Be intrusive. Right.
He doesn't want to be where he's not welcome Yeah yeah He feels unwelcome I guess But no one Everyone like talks They don't talk bad about you They're always like That sounds like they do That sounds like they do That's like the worst thing You could ever say It's like the worst thing You could say Oh my god Hey ask me Watch this Ask me right now Go uh They don't Do they talk about me over there? Go ahead Hey do they talk about me over there? No no no No Nobody does What? Right you don't believe it Yeah I don't believe that You know right away Exactly No I'm telling the truth Look at me Do they talk bad about Bobby at the party? No they don't Don't close your eyes Do it with your eyes open They don't Pretty good That's pretty good Yeah I believe it Actually they don't Yeah I had to take it So you and your new the fam my old family is having a Thanksgiving yeah that's great who all showed up mom Meritus yeah everyone showed up good Roger yeah yeah everyone showed up remember I used to go every year do you remember that yeah you do you do huh yeah you don't think about that do you be. Yeah, yeah.
While you were driving back from Palm Springs, did you think about maybe popping in there and surprising? No, I don't even know where it is. That's even more hurtful.
Yeah, it's very hurtful. You know where's the address? I don't know whose house it's at because if you don't get invited, you have no idea where the fucking location is.
Right. It could be a number of places.
That is true because we had Thanksgiving, but we didn't do it at my house. We a buca de beppo so you never know yeah you never know where it's gonna happen but when i was driving back from pomsbury i was thinking to myself wow i should just drive off this freeway because i'm so lonely my house i'm so lonely i wanted you at my house i am so lonely and so alone i have nobody i literally have nobody i know you have you but it's like you know i don't want to rely on you know so it's like i want you to want i know i know i want you to want me i know but i um it was so miserable i actually held out i feel so alone we kept oh my god we kept a chair for you at the dinner table do you know this we kept a chair at the table in the hopes that you would show up because i even said oh my god i said i have nobody you have me.
You have me. I'm alone.
I'm truly alone. No, you're not.
I really am. Why do you say that? Because I am.
I wake up and I go, Oh, no one's fucking here. Okay.
Okay. First of all.
Yeah. First of all, let's be real though.
Yeah. Not someone being in your home is different than you having a wealth of people that are deeply in love with you on many levels.
I don't know, man. I can tell you that's a fact.
I mean, last night I was like sitting there with Ian Bagg just talking. Love Ian Bagg.
I do too. He's like one of the funniest dudes in comedy.
Yeah. And I was like, he's like, are you okay? I go, I'm so alone.
Where were you at? Store? Improv. Well, that'll make you feel lonely.
That place. Yeah.
Yeah. No, no.
I get it. But by the way, comedy clubs are the worst place for our egos why because it's like a it's it's a it's a test it's a test you're it's a test of your skill and your self-assurance and your self-awareness and all that shit stand-up clubs are hard on your ego whether we know it or not what do you mean hard on our egos because it you're you're constantly in you should know of all people you are constantly in conflict with yourself over being good enough and funny enough and yeah it's also um that's a hard place to do to be honest keeps you honest yeah well it keeps you it also keeps you very introspective yeah because you know how you and i did show friday night it was packed in the main room slammed but so you weren't on the lineup last night in the main room i didn't go it was just me yeah it was dead really yeah it was so straight night they had to put both curtains up no yeah so i was back there and i'm like you know the only kind of name except for yamanika was in town so she did it oh wow but i was just like oh i i can't i'm i'm i don't draw anymore i'm gonna that's not true i I'm like, people are like, dude, it's the holiday.
It's the holiday weekend. I know, but it's like, and then when you're already in a state of depression, it just kind of piles on you, you start thinking negatively.
It spirals. It spirals, so I've been spiraling.
Well, I thought this morning in the shower, because we talked last week, you asked me about my depression, and I want to give you some credit. You guys listened and I got out when I needed to get out

and it made me feel really good.

But I want you to be honest then.

Go ahead.

About your depression,

where you go when you get low.

Because I didn't ask you back.

You kind of let me just mouth vomit.

That's fine.

What do you mean, where do I go?

Well, you asked me-

Inside myself?

You said, where do I go when I get really depressed? And I told you where I think I disappear to. what do you mean where do i go well you asked inside myself you said where do i go when i get really depressed and i told you where i think i disappear to where do you go i told you last week i think i i just i get in a place of isolation i don't want to talk to people i need to be left alone and i need to either exercise or go away like when you drive back from palm springs when you were sad where where where are? I start fantasizing about like where I could like ending it all.
Not my life. Like where you- But I would end this whole pursuit of comedy and this dream.
Right. And then I would like sell all my assets.
Retire, so to speak. Retire, you know, grab all my- And go to the, you know, like a town that no one knows me.
Where is this?

What does it look like? I've always thought about like taking,

like having like a bunch of like,

in a fishbowl, a bunch of like trailer parks.

What?

Like trailer parks.

Oh, oh, oh, literal trailer.

Yeah, trailer,

putting my hand in and I go,

oh, I guess I'm going to live in like

Shreveport, Louisiana.

For how long, a year?

For the rest of my life.

No, no, no.

You got to keep doing that, keep dipping in the fishbowl. Maybe every year, but I would go into a trailer park and just disappear.
Wow. Yeah.
Trailer park, Bobby. Yeah.
And then I would look strange too. What would you look like? El Bottoms.
Every day? Yeah, yeah. Even in Louisiana? Yeah, I look like El Cucaracha.
I love El Cucaracha. Yeah, I would do El Cucaracha.
I would do El Cucaracha I would bring a

Wife beater?

What are you wearing up top?

A wife beater

But also I want

But also I want

Definitely like

One of those El Mariachi guitars

Oh yeah

Or on my shoulder

Right?

All bottoms

A lot of like his like

You know I would go to his style too

Who?

McCone?

No

Fancy

Oh what?

Shitty shirts?

Yeah like t-shirts with like

You know what I mean?

Bread

People doing Dancing You know what I mean Bread Of people Doing dancing You know what I mean And then I would Probably wear And this is probably Not appropriate But something With feathers How is that not appropriate What are you not Allowed to like feathers You know people It's cultural appropriation Or whatever How You know what I would do that But with three feathers And a gigantic blood diamond On my forehead Love You know what I mean it's cultural appropriation or whatever. How? You know what? I would do that, but with three flutters and a gigantic blood diamond on my forehead.

Love.

You know what I mean?

Like, not a polished one.

No, just a raw blood diamond.

Right.

And then it was like maybe blood from like a revolutionary, you know what I mean?

On it or a smuggler.

Shout out to South Africa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just dried on there.

You know what I mean?

I would probably wear the football paint.

Oh, like war paint. No, not war paint.
Football paint. You know how sometimes they just put black? Yeah, do you know what that's for? Why? That's actually interesting.
I'm surprised that football players are the only ones that wear that. Yeah? Why aren't soccer players could wear it too? Yeah, I would do that.
Reflection of the light of the sun. It helps.
That's right. That's why I would do it.
Keep it out of your eyes. Make my eyes wider.
Let me see. If I were that, because the sun's not...
That's so funny. Blood diamond.
You imagine all it takes for Asians to have bigger eyes to just put on that black under their eyes. Whoa.
They can use an extra fine Sharpie. Okay.
Okay. There he is.
Yeah, yeah. He only waits.
Yeah. He only waits for the jokes that he knows he can tell.
Yeah, that's right. If he can't think of it That's right Even if it's going to piss me off He has to say it because he knows that it's Kind of good So let's get back on a happy track then Is there something you're excited for At the end of the year or the beginning of next year No really yeah what there's nothing brewing for you no nothing well i'm excited about i've lost 10 pounds so i'm gonna i think i'm excited about um awesome i watched the original christmas episode like a few days ago yeah it's wild how much smaller you look yeah that's like yeah you do look smaller everyone has commented yeah literally and then but when i get another another 10, 15 pounds, I'm going to then- Go to the gym.
Do my thing. Does your penis look better? No, I'm serious.
When you lose some weight, sometimes your dick looks better. Most of the weight's from that.
Oh my God. Yeah.
Your dick lost 10 pounds? Five pounds. Wow.
It was definitely five pounds a dick. So let's get you fat again.
Yeah, I know. That's a bad idea.
It's so funny. I went to the spa the other day and I saw a couple of really big dudes with like little micro dicks.
Love. They look like buttons.
You mean big as in fat or strong? No, they're just a button. No, no, their body.
Were they fat or strong? Oh, fat. Oh, well, fat's different.
They're huge, right? But they have a little Benjamin button there. That's why they got so fat.
Yeah. You have a tiny penis, you're going to eat your sadness away.
I wonder how that happens. They have big hands.
Yeah, but they probably got fat because of their small dick, I just said. They got sad.
They saw that little pecker and they thought, never going to use this. I might as well just eat away my feelings.
Wow. I like seeing a buff guy at the gym with a small little penis.
Why? I love that. Why? Because he's like, fucking object.
And you're like, nah. But that's why he's nah but that's why he's buff i know but that's overcompensating that's why regular guys like us have regular dicks it's great yeah we didn't we didn't win we didn't lose it's fine yeah it's fine yeah you know what you know what our cocks are vanilla bean ice cream exactly french vanilla bean it's good it's fine yeah yeah it's not the one that everybody wants but it's fine yeah you know and yours has a little bit of mango in it you get a couple slices lychee fruit lychee Leachy fruit, yeah, yeah.
It's not the one that everybody wants, but it's fine. Yeah.
You know? And yours has a little bit of mango in it.

You got a couple slices of mango.

Lychee fruit.

Lychee, lychee.

Lychee fruit.

Yeah, yeah.

It is funny.

By the way, I just, at the spa today, I went in the hot tub.

And, you know, you go naked in the men's spa.

So I'm naked in the hot tub.

And a guy came out of the sauna and didn't know someone was in there.

Because I'm sure he went in and no one was on that section. It was kind of quiet today.
And he came out and he like saw me and panicked and grabbed one of the towels to cover up his little penis. And then I had to pretend like I didn't see his little penis.
Yeah. Because he stood right there and I kind of like.
Are you naked? Look the other way. Yeah, you have to be.
Yeah. So when I met the, I took Jules to the, not Jules, Jesse to the We spa oh yeah we went to we spot again how was that it was so fun yeah yeah she was a little scared yeah it's you it's foreign yeah but when i always know literally yeah i always notice though there's like white dudes completely wearing like basketball shorts in the steam room and then the koreans and blacks were like completely naked right yeah but there's always why why is that uh why at the white meeting let's go back to you guys talk about that the white meeting we do yeah yeah well and this is going to offend you but we wear shorts because we don't want to sit on the same ground as you we need some sort of cloth separation oh yeah oh it.
Oh, it's good. Oh.

Yeah.

Because you know what the thing is?

When I go to the sleep room,

I put a towel down and I sit on that.

That's not enough protection?

Not for us.

Maybe it's psychological.

Yeah.

It's mainly psychological.

Well, it's like, you know, when you put down,

you know when people put down those things on the toilet?

Yeah.

That's not doing anything.

Yeah.

But we need the reassurance.

Can we create a company that makes those, but make them like thicker? The toilet seat cover? Yes. Yeah.
That's not doing anything. Yeah.
But we need the reassurance. Can we create a company that makes those that make them like thicker? The toilet seat cover? Yes.
Okay. I think it's a great idea.
Can we not have a fucking, there's got to be a substitute for that. But it has to be able to throw away.
So how can it decompose? Because the thing is, is that when you, because I sat at the, I was at the airport when we're coming back and I was pooping. Yeah.
Emergency poo and somebody had peed

on the fucking seat.

Seat.

Gross.

So you have to put

nine layers of those things

to absorb the pee

so that it doesn't get on your...

What if we just travel

with one of those?

I know.

By the way,

it's a neck pillow.

It's a neck pillow and...

Wow, yeah.

That's interesting.

But there's still pee

on the fucking...

What do you call it? The seat. Yeah.
So you got got to clean that you have a p side and a butt side and you always have the p side down you just always know which side is it's by color right i don't know the p side will be yellow and that's a little too thick to walk around with you think so yeah yeah yeah we'll have a carry-all we'll have a bag that's specifically designed for it that looks cool so you don women don't have that because women sit down and they pee, right? I don't. No, she stands up.
I don't. What? She lifts one leg up like a dog.
No. She hovers.
I step on the seat and then I squat. Why? Because I don't want to touch.
It's gross. Wait a minute.
You don't stand on the seat. You just hover.
No. You physically stand.
He puts two feet on there like a fucking monkey.

Wait.

You put your feet on the toilet seat?

Yeah.

That's insane.

Like a spider monkey, dude.

Why don't you just hover?

It's hard because.

I know a lot of women that hover.

Hovering is a very normal.

They hold the walls.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is that if everyone just sat, you're not going to get pee on the

seat.

Correct.

We have pee on the seat because people stand and pee on the seat.

That's true.

Well, how about this?

How about this?

I don't know. What I'm saying is that if everyone just sat, you're not going to get pee on the seat.
Correct. We have pee on the seat because people stand and pee on the seat.
Pee on the seat. That's true.
Well, how about this? How about this? Why is it? You know, like the women do the hovering technique. You know, like this is like a constant thing.
I like what you're thinking. What? I just know it's going to be something enlightening.
It's going to be great. I love it.
Tell me. Why aren't women's toilets higher off the ground then? That wasn't what I...
No? Why do they have to hover and crouch? Why can't they just... Why don't they make a mechanism that goes up to them? So they can just stand.
Yeah. Why don't they do that? Why do they have to hover over?

Or this one.

Oh, oh, so you're stand and it's kind of like a thing

that goes over here.

Yes.

And you're just like, right?

You hit a button.

Yeah.

And it just cups.

Yeah.

Right.

Why don't they do that?

And they poop and you can walk.

So now you're in.

Why don't they do that with us?

We don't need that

because we like to stand and pee.

It's like a nature. It's like a male nature.
No, I mean for pooing. Oh, Why don't they do that with us? We don't need that because we like to stand and pee.
It's like a male nature.

No, I mean for pooing.

Oh, I don't.

Well, extra tall toilet.

See, this is what I'm talking about.

Can you poo like that?

No, you can't poo like that.

Yeah, I've done that.

You pooed straight up.

Oh, yeah.

Steph is a board.

It looks like messy.

That's how we end the meetings.

That's how you get your exit.

No, but when I've camped, when I've gone camping, you lean against a rock and poop. You never done that? No.
Have you pooped in the ocean? God knows I know you have. It's super hard.
I know you've pooped in the ocean. Yeah.
Yeah, it's so gross. It's so gross.
It's actually awesome. Yeah.
I've never pooped in the ocean, but every time I pee in the ocean, I also stand up above water level, so I'm not peeing underwater. Why? Because I don't want anything swimming inside my papito.
Speaking of the ocean. That's a real thing.
It's a real fear or something. And by the way, oh, this is what I was going to say too.
Looked up the statistics of this. Catching something like from a toilet seat, like from sitting on it, is literally impossible.
You'd have to have open wounds on your legs and they'd have to be fresh bacteria on the seat to catch anything from the toilet oh you can catch poo and i don't want poo i'm sorry you can catch poo and pee and i don't want that yeah but you just wipe it off off of my No, dude. I don't want poo on my butt cheek.

Before I sit down.

Yeah, yeah.

And by the way,

who's pooping on the toilet seat?

I've seen it.

This one that's hovering?

Yeah, yeah.

I've seen it.

A hover shit?

Yeah, yeah.

No, but when I get in the bathroom,

I take toilet paper,

I wipe the seat anyway.

It's still dirty.

How?

How dirty?

Yeah, yeah.

How dirty?

No, seriously, how dirty?

No one is pooping.

The only thing that's getting on there

is other people's butts. That's it.
That's it it no one is lifting up and pooping on the seat it's it doesn't happen it will not happen it cannot happen i've i swear to god i've seen poo on the seat before then maybe it's at where a place where young kids are and they're fucking their little shitty gross but most of the time in an adult atmosphere there's nothing on the seat maybe a little bit of piss yeah a little bit of piss by the way if you peed in a toilet a toilet with shorts on, you feel it on your legs. Yeah.
You pee in a urinal, you feel it all over your legs. I just think that the God should have made it different.
Our body's different. Well, where would you put it? I put the butthole in the bottom of my foot.
You've said this before and I think that's a great idea. And where do you pee from your fingers yeah yeah you can get it you can get it away from you you could shouldn't be at the same like you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah just your yeah dude imagine this would be great yeah that's why if someone's pissing but then you'd sit down and you have to wipe like this though that's not bad that's not bad yeah yeah yeah no or you do or we just create.
You know, like at a bar, you know how you flip a glass upside down and they have a washer,

water sprays up?

Yeah, yeah.

You have that for your foot.

That's fucking great.

A little foot washer.

That's great, dude.

Don't have to wipe ever again.

Unless somebody has a foot fetish.

That'd be weird, maybe.

Not really.

Well, yeah, that would be weird.

Oh, how would gays?

Foot fucker?

You foot fucker. That's a new...
Look at these foot fuckers over there Look at that foot fucker there dude I'm not going near those foot fuckers Are you kidding me Would you fuck the foot I would You know I like feet I love a good foot Something about it on. Yeah.
I love a good foot. Something about it on the internet, when you see a good foot, you're like, that's sexy.
A shoe salesman for a women's department has to be a girl then probably. Otherwise, you're a perv.
Yeah, just grabbing the foot. You know what I mean? Taking the sock off.
What's the same thing with gynecologists? And I found out that there's male gynecologists. You're like, what? Yeah.
You've never had a male doctor. No.
Wouldn you be so uncomfortable yeah but i think allies is a man i think interesting interesting interesting interesting interesting wait it is her her gynecologist fewer than half practicing uh ob-gyns are men fewer than half still too many still too many i love when people like kids would be like i want to be a gynecologist it's like really yeah we take away all the fun not just that it's like you know you have you have to fucking like judy dench vagina right yeah but it's a dame i know but you know i mean like it's like do you mean i do a variety of different too many yeah and you get to see the worst the best and the worst best and the worst yeah yeah you don't to see it all the time. It's like when you work at McDonald's, you lose the taste of the food.

You don't want to work in the firework factory.

You just want to buy them.

Yeah.

Interesting.

No?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boy, do I like buying them.

I love buying them.

Yeah.

I want to say this.

For Christmas this year, I want one thing from you.

Okay.

Happiness next year.

No, no, no.

I want you to be happy next year.

And I'm going to work tirelessly on making you happy.

I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to do it. I'm going to find a way.
I'm going to find a way. I promise.
I will find a way. Where there's a will, there is a way.
No, no. Yes, yes.
Look at me. I'm going to find a way.
I promise. Thank you.
What do you want for Christmas, Jules?

You're in luck.

We got a gift for you.

What?

Bring out the gifts.

Yeah, I want the gifts.

Yeah, we definitely want the gifts.

Oh, wow.

Look at this.

Wow.

Don't open them all at once.

Fuck you.

Tell me what to do.

Okay, he says this is not worth a lot, but I'm going to love it.

No, he said it was priceless.

Priceless. Whoa.
I'll give you my genuine response. All right, hold on one second.
Who's what starts? Well, let Fancy start. Get his out of the way.
No, no, no. Fancy's his last.
Okay. All right, Bob, you go first.
I go first? Okay. No, stop.
Jules, go first. Yeah, I should go this way.
Yeah. Okay.
Ski? One ski. Jules is kind of a throwback.
What is it? Oh, a katana. Whoa.
Whoa. It's plastic? No, it's real.
It's the $500 million one. Yeah.
Whoa. That is so dope.
That's so cool. Thank you, McCool.
This is so cool.

So dope, dude.

Wow.

Wow.

I'm actually impressed.

That's a pretty cool one.

That's cool.

Thank you.

Oh, dude.

Dude, be careful with this.

That's not a real...

Yeah, it's a knife.

It's not steel, though.

Put your hand out and feel it.

Let me see it.

Your hand right there.

No, no.

I don't want to do that.

Just once.

No, dude.

Okay.

No, it's not.

It's wood.

It's wood. All right.
Let me do mine. Oh, I got some stuff for Cubby.
Oh, wow. Salmon skins.
Oh, for the dog. Wow, for the dog.
Oh, for the dog. And it's a little Christmas sweater.
Yay. Thank you, dude.
Honestly, thank you. And by the way, you know who else likes salmon skins?

Rudy My little salmon skin girl

Can you really eat this?

You can, go ahead, give it a whirl

No, it's worth the dogs

What do you mean? It's just salmon skin

I don't want her to eat it, dude

I want her to eat it

Alright, mine, mine, mine, mine

You can eat it

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine

Yours, yours, yours

Let's see it

Oh, I know what this is

You're so crazy

You have a best of Bobby Lee

I made that

Thank you. Let's see it.
Oh, I know what this is. You're so crazy.
You have a vest of Bobby Lee. I made that.
You made this? Yeah. No.
No way. That's cool.
How'd you find these? On YouTube? I had, yeah, I scrubbed through a bunch of YouTube, a bunch of Reddit. I downloaded as much as I could, and I cut together like a 73-minute compilation.
Wow. Wow, dude.
And I burned it onto a Blu-ray. So you could play that on any of your gaming devices

that has a disc reader.

I do, yeah.

I can read, I see it.

Do you know what's incredible about this?

What?

The effort he put into your gift

versus literally

anybody else.

Yeah.

He went to Petco

for you.

Petco?

Yeah, yeah.

Target, my guy.

Target, yeah, my guy.

Give me that.

Let me see it. That is incredible is incredible incredible wow craft and heart i will say this is based on the first season dvd release of mad tv american comedy icon bobby lee finally gets the home media release he deserves see all his greatest sketches at least all the ones i could find on the internet for some reason this fucking show isn't streaming anywhere a collection so funny it will have your whole family shouting uh-oh hot dog merry christmas 2024 from macone it's a real blu-ray should work on any gaming device

with a disc slot run time is 73 minutes wow 73 minutes that's how much footage is out there

i mean there's even more that i cut out like you were the lead of a sketch I cut it wow dude that's incredible that's an extremely thoughtful gift I got nothing and I pay you I give you so much you're so hard I'm insulted for you you built this you could have built me something that is a beautiful gift alright fancy open up your fucking gift I want fancy to be able to appreciate some real cinema so I also got fancy a best of Bobby that is nice which is what I've always. If I don't have enough of Bobby.
So you burned it twice. No, I actually just made the cover twice.
There's not a real one in there. Couldn't afford a second disc? No, that's actually an SNL, the best of Chris Farley disc, which is way better.
Thank you. Okay.
You're a piece of shit. That's mean.
Take it back right now. No, no, no, no.
No, I think it's like a body. It's true.
It's true.

It's true.

Is it?

Is it though?

Real good.

Thank you.

Is it true?

It's true.

How?

Anyway, thank you, McCone.

Thank you, McCone.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, McCone.

Thank you so much.

That was nice.

My dog will love this.

We gave you a career, so Merry Christmas.

Before we go, I want to recommend something to our listeners.

Please.

so I've been you know

you've heard of

Thank you. My dog will love this.
We gave you a career, so Merry Christmas. Before we go, I want to recommend something to our listeners.

Please.

So I've been, you know, you've ever heard of Serious the Podcast?

No.

Anyway.

Yeah, you have.

Serious?

I don't know.

No.

Is it called Serious or?

Serial.

Serial.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not serious.

Are you serious?

No, no.

Serial the Podcast.

Yeah, Serial. There's a new one called The Good Whale.
The Good Whale. Yeah, and it's...
I tried to bring up the last podcast. I brought up Keiko, right? But then we didn't riff on it.
But it really is an enlightening little podcast. What is it about? So have you ever seen Free Willy? The movie? Yeah.
Yeah. yeah yeah you did yeah of course so when they they found a whale to play willie yeah it was this whale in mexico hard to cast yeah it was a mexican whale yeah i want to be free willie yeah yeah you would think if they got a whale to jump it would have been a black whale right but um so when the movie comes out, it becomes a hit, and all the kids are like, where is this whale? And they're like, it's in this tiny little pool.
It's malnutrition. Malnourished, yeah.
I mean, I don't know what the conditions were. Gross.
I mean, they weren't the best. It's awful so the plan pretty much every everyone on the planet that had something to do with whales um they go we want to try to free him but he's been in captivity since he was a kid baby this is real free willy yeah yeah so they ship the they build a completely big facility in oregon this high-tech facility so they build his muscles and they try to train him in terms of how to catch fish, how to dive, you know what I mean? All that stuff.
And then after a couple of years, they bring him to Iceland where they found the baby to release him. But they put him in a little bay first and it's his voyage out into the real sea.
Wow. And you, well, you don't see it.
You hear it. It's a pod.
It's five episodes. I listened to all of it and it's this voyage out into the real sea and wow and you well you don't see it you hear it's five episodes i listened to all of it and it's really just you know it melts your heart beautiful yeah did it live because a lot of times i mean i don't know if we should give that away well we did it's great yeah yeah yeah that's what yeah, yeah.
Yeah, fuck it. That's what makes me so mad about this document.
That's why I want people to listen to it. So when people go, what the fuck? And I go, fuck you too.
I thought to. That's on you.
My instinct was that it didn't live because when they reacclimate. He came close though.
No, really. Can I just tell you we just gave it away? Was he killed by another killer whale? No, what happened was, it's so sad because it's like all these, you know, all his trainers and all the people that work for this organization, they got to a point where they, because he was so reliant on humans.
Right. That even if he saw a boat, he would just come up to the boat and say hi.
So that what all these people would do, they would have to hide. So all of a sudden now, Keiko's alone.
Oh. And he doesn't know what to do.
So they open up the bay, and then they see, you know,

sometimes these killer whales have these parties.

I've been to one.

I know, in the white.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but they're half black too.

We're okay with that.

Okay.

All right.

Depends on how they identify.

So they have these parties, and Keiko would watch from a distance.

Yeah.

He's in the ocean, and they're all communicating, having fun, and Keiko's just like, I don't know what to do. So one day Keiko just, because his trainers are hiding, he just starts going into the ocean by himself, traveling thousands of miles by himself.
You know what I mean? And then one day in Norway, this little kid and his Norwegian family were on their boat and Keiko pops his head up he traveled thousands of miles and they're like whoa this killer whale is so nice and he would just follow them around because he just you know what I mean so lonely and then and at night the family could hear Keiko outside yeah yeah like where are Like, where are you? You know what I mean? I know it's so sad. It was so sad.
Right? And then he dies. He dies.
He dies. It's so sad.
It's so sad. But that's the circle of life.
It's not. That's not the circle of life.
You don't take. Here's what it is.
They shouldn't have done in the first killer whales right they're so attached to their mothers in fact right killer whale mothers right even when the when their son is fully grown they'll rip up a piece of fish and then leave some for the kid that's how attached they are all right right and it's like and they're called pods or that's your family and they know each other for all their lives, right? And they have their own language, they know how to communicate. Keiko doesn't know any of that shit.
So, of course, Keiko wasn't going to survive based on all that. I mean, this is like ripping away their core instincts and...
Yeah, it's like, you should not, I mean, SeaWorld should not exist. Any of these things should not exist.
I agree. Yeah, do you do? What about zoos? I think zoos are bullshit.
Bullshit. 100 you know what i mean 100 what are you laughing at you know you know what you seem like a guy that captures them i like the alliteration of auschwitz for animals okay okay anyway it's whenever you see these animals it's just like they just they don't know what's going on well it's also i don't care how like kept the zoo is it's always it's always awful it's always looks like shit they look like they're bummed that's why there's all there's always sorts of like wild shit that happens at a zoo because they just don't want to be there they don't want to fucking live like they know in their gut they're not supposed to be there and they look sad every fucking time you go it's the worst but also when they so when they brought keiko to the new um tank that they built in oregon they built half of the tank with a see-through and reporters and people from the town would visit and keiko would always come by and just sit there and just say hi to these humans like you know i mean and play with them he's raised by humans yeah he's she just loved humans and all of a sudden we're like nah you know i mean it's? It's insane He doesn't Is a guy or a girl Keiko? It's a boy Maybe man up his name Wait, what? Change his name? Keiko That was probably why he Didn't make it Anyway, I mean, Merry Christmas to everybody Merry Christmas to almost everybody Thank you for being friend.
Don't go keiko on us. Honestly, can I tell you something? If you're going to land a joke to close the show, it's got to be seamless.
I mean, she said don't four times. Have you gotten worse at speaking English? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't, don't, don't, don't be keiko on us. It's almost like since you became a citizen, you're shittier at getting it out.
Jules, wish everyone a happy Christmas. Go ahead.
Merry Christmas and thank you for being a bad friend.

God bless. And with that Christmas song?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is our Bad Friends

Christmas song that we wrote

together. We did? Yeah, you remember this?

Oh, yeah.

Christmas

here, you are

here.

Come on.

You know it. Be with your

family, don't have

tears. Christmas

Thank you. here.
Come on. You know it.
Be with your family. Don't have tears.
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. Black friends, Mexican friends all around the fireplace.
Christmas, Christmas. And the little ones we call children and the dwarves Christmas Christmas And jolly candy Candy corns Jules, your verse Eggnogs And cinnamon crunch Together Christmas.
Oh, what a wonderful Christmas. Yeah.
Christmas. Christmas.
A couple more lines. I love everyone.
Christmas. Christmas.
Christmas. Christmas.
Go Go Yeah Jingle bells Christmas Christmas Dude imagine if you walked into a lounge You heard this This was a lounge act Christmas You would just leave You would just leave Imagine being depressed on Christmas And walking into here Christmas Christmas. Thank you for being a bad friend.

That's so funny.

Christmas, Christmas. Woo-hoo Yeah Woo-hoo

Yeah