Rudy's Fantastic Fail

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Does a bee have a dick? Does it? Yes.
Male bees, also known as drones, have a penis or penis. They got a penis.
It gets ripped out. What? What? His penis is doomed to be ripped out from his body along with his intestines when he goes looking for love so the moment he has sex penis gone wow one and done that's why they're very faithful yeah during the mating fight flight several male bees called drones will be selected from thousands of others in their colony to mount the virgin queen bee mid-flight.
So they all, oh so she's a skank. So she takes it from all these bees.
Yeah. They give it to her and then they die.
You don't have to raise your hand. What's up? What's up? We're like professors at a college.
Yes, young lady? Rudy, please. There's a video on TikTok about a girl that banged 101 men.
Okay, that has nothing to do with bees. Queen bee.
Oh. Is that her name, Queen Bee? It should be.
Wait a minute, there's a woman who's banged 101 men, what? What? In her lifetime? No, like once. In one sitting? In one day.
Yeah, I mean, those are called gangbangs. No, not gangbangs.
What do they call them? Yeah, gangbang. Gangbang, yeah.
No, that's more than a gangbang. 101 guys? One day.
That's a small colony. You never get invited to those parties, do you? I did get invited, but I couldn't make, I had a dinner.
Can I be 102? Imagine being 102. A woman films aftermath of sleeping with 101 men in just 14 hours.
Wow. You gotta be exhausted.
Yeah. You gotta be exhausted.
Would you rather be 102 or one? How much would you, how much would I have to pay you to sleep in that bed when it's done with 101 guys i mean honestly for one night would you sleep in that bed after 100 if i was in the thing yeah no no is it yeah i'm not gonna sleep there if i'm like i wasn't like they're like you're not a part of it how funny though and then i'm like i yeah that's a good fantasy football punishment you lose in your fantasy league you got to sleep in the bed of 101 uh 101 dudes aftermath zoom in a little bit that is awful who litter is that orgy yeah clean up after right yeah i mean you're just throwing paper towels and ketchup packets and like what the fuck is going on here dude you called you what yeah you would oh yeah you would chicken and stuff yeah i'm eating fried chicken well you have to wait in line she's pretty what are you gonna do in line well you'd be on your phone the whole time yeah i'd be like tick tocking scrolling fried chicken right imagine if it's your turn to get up there and get anger and you're like dude i am so close to finishing this noku i have to finish this and then guess what else i'm eating huh blue chew yes you are she's actually very chewing it she's Yeah, yeah. But you know what's so crazy about this is you just called me out a week ago about this,

about being too, like a clean freak.

You know me.

I'd be waiting in line for the gangbang, cleaning up after everybody.

Oh, I know.

You've been picking it.

Guys, please don't leave all this stuff.

Especially if it's at your house.

Oh, please.

Oh, my God.

My God.

That's why we don't host gangbangs anymore.

Wait, so she's an OnlyFans girl.

Her name is Lily Phillips? Yeah. And she's, so 101 guys in one day.
Is she setting a, is this at least a record? No, there's no way. Yeah, I don't think that's a record.
Yeah, yeah. I think somebody did it a thousand times.
In 14 hours? Oh, not in 14 hours. I don't know.
That's so much. Because technically they don't have to come.
So you could just have, what I would do is I'd lay there and go and go just one pump so I can just get through everyone. That's okay.
One pump and then you would have to use a condom right? I would fucking hope so. What? 101 guys I would hope you'd wrap it up.
The girl said she didn't need like an STD test to prove that they're clean.

What?

They did not?

And did they wear a condom?

You get first priority if you have like a proof, but you don't need it.

They have a fast pass like Disneyland.

Wow.

Front of the line.

I don't know much about this.

What?

They fast pass and then also.

You know they also have the fast pass.

They have kids in wheelchairs that go next to it.

Yeah.

Do those guys get to the front as well?

Or do they have to wait in line? We're from military first. Yeah.
Yeah. We're boarding military.
Why does military get to go for them? Well, military and what is it? People who need more time to board. Yeah.
Let them go first in the gangbang. Yeah.
And then we'll get to first class. And the elderly.
Oh, they got to go. Come on, grabs.
Let's go. I can't wait to peel your pussy to pieces.
Yeah. So wait a minute, dude.
Look, I just did the math because I'm stupid. 101 guys in 14 hours.
Seven guys an hour. Seven an hour.
Wow. That's almost two guys every 15 minutes.
So they are... Yeah.
It must have sounded like a construction zone next door. Yeah.
People would have been like, what's going on over there? Which, I don't know. I mean, I just, I don't know know i just wouldn't be able to get it up i don't think look if i got a terminal illness yeah i'm i'm gonna tell my wife i gotta leave you and i gotta go join this world's greatest gangbang okay i gotta go one time i was on i was at an audition okay now this is how the hollywood stuff starts here we go i was in an audition and i walk in and it was all like it was finesse mitchell eric like all all my friends.
And we were high-fiving, right? We were making each other laugh, right? And then all of a sudden I hear somebody go, okay, Bobby. And I ate that audition so bad.
It was fucking bad. Right.
The same thing's going to happen at that fucking gangbang. Oh, you're going to fuck.
I'm going to fuck around, right? What's up, dude? You know what I mean? Great movie or whatever, right? You did a great job or whatever right and then as soon as my name's called i'm gonna walk in there and it's gonna be completely dead nothing's gonna work i don't know man i would have to maybe you get nervous i would grab a breast gotta no i wonder what her rule i would try to get it going you know i would grab a breast and i would probably always go Are you okay Right Is everything okay You wouldn't ask I'd be the first I'd be the one guy Who kisses her And she's like What are you doing Yeah yeah yeah I just want to foreplay A little bit A little foreplay The world's biggest gangbang By the way Was a Hollywood studio Annabelle Chong One of ours Look at that Oh Annabelle Chong 300 men Oh my Oh my god our asian wait wait this is the best part it said the participants were far fewer than advertised so she only got to get to 251 let's be nice that's still incredible wow can we see a picture of annabelle chong please it was in 95 that's in 1995 and she's where go down scroll down a little bit where's she from grace, her born University of Southern California. She went to USC.
She's from Singapore. Wow.
Hey. What does she look like now? Guess who's going to Singapore? Bobby.
Yeah, yeah. Annabelle, if you're still working, Bob and I are coming with the Bad Friends crew.
We'd love to meet you. What does she look like now? Animal Tong now.
I mean. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, still pretty good. Oh, she's pretty.
Yeah. Wow.
She's known professionally as Annabelle Chong as a Singaporean former pornographic actress who became famous after starring in an adult film that was performed by the world's biggest gangbang. So she's no longer working, but she's running like a shop somewhere.
She's probably just doing like a clothing store. Oh, she's 52, Bob.
Chong's dong. Hey.
Whoa. Younger than you.
The queen of gangbang is younger than you. That's how's how you know you're getting older yeah rudy what's been going on with you i failed an exam oh great that's fantastic what that's bad i'm clapping that's good no i said that's fantastic you have to fail in order to learn how to learn how to win that's right what did you which one wait wait wait let's guess well ask me some of the questions that's on the exam maybe i can answer them i don't even know that's why i failed wait wait you don't know what topic it was well what the subject matter was um it's like dna transcript here we go i'm the expert of dna go ahead biology you failed biology right microbiology microbiology like give me me just any question that they might have.

Are you fucking kidding me? You don't even know one question on the exam?

She said she failed.

I failed.

How many questions are there?

There were 50 questions.

You don't know one?

No.

Oh, my God.

It's like about transcription, like DNA replication.

Can you talk us about DNA replication?

That's what I'm saying.

Okay, here you go, Bob. What's the difference between bacteria and viruses? Well, there are amoebas.
One has an amoeba. Fail.
I'm not done. Well, you're done.
You're failed. Can I finish? Yeah, please.
You know what? You're so rude. Thank you.
Dude, you know what I realized about you Tuesday when we did the live show, dude? You're a little cocky. I'm cocky? Yeah.
How? And a little bit like confident and sure of yourself. People see that.
That's what the audience said. Remember when they said that? People see it.
They people see it, right? That I'm confident? Yeah. What do they say Tuesday night? Why are we bringing this up? Starting a war.
What do they say Tuesday night? They asked Andrew if he was better than him. Are you arrogant or you think you're better than him That's what I'm getting at And I want you to lower it No I don't think I'm better than anybody except for you See that's what I'm saying It's just you I treat her very well I wonder why the audience read that It's one woman And also by the way I what there's a bad she's negging it's a bad neg yeah it's like a bad flirt it's a shitty flirt so i'm sitting in the audience watching andrew perform and there was a pretty attractive woman next to me and during one of your jokes people are laughing and she turns to me and she goes your friend's hot you You know what I did? I went.

It was just an instinctual like.

Was this a girl that you were with or just a random girl?

Some random girl.

But I just wanted to.

If I could spit out poison.

Yeah, you would. You know what I mean?

Blind her.

I had to rattle, dude.

I went out right in her neck.

You know what I mean?

Like a scorpion.

Right in the neck, dude.

You're very buff.

Oh, fuck off.

I love you, Rude. You know what? Let me what let me say this oh here we go i'll say this i love our fans more than anything i thank them graciously it means the world to me people may think that i'm like uh shut down or cold but if you know me you know i'm not I just have a demeanor that has so much trauma and damage that i just feel a little blank sometimes so people don't know i'm i would love to say hi and smile at you but when i walk around town maybe i look a little and that's because i'm a broken shattered dude yeah backstage too i i like to observe other people that aren't familiar with, you know, comics and stuff.

And they get a little nervous around you.

Only because I'm so kind of stuck.

I know, but I see people going, you know what I mean?

It's like, what's going on?

Well, because here's the deal.

Little boy.

You're lice.

Are you lost?

You are a bright, beautiful light.

I come in there with joy, dude.

And that's what my thing is, dude. I'm pure joy.
You are. And mine is- You're positive energy.
Mine is comedy from a very, kind of like a very, like planted space. Sure.
And you're a more, you are a bright, shiny star. You're like Napoleon.
You know what I am? Okay. I am a, you have to dig for me.
I'm a gem, but you have to dig for me. Okay.
You got to get down in there. You, you know who you are? Yeah.
You're bio, what is that? Bioluminescence, you know that when the ocean glows at night? Yeah. That's you.
Thank you. Yeah, and it's a compliment.
I'm just saying, I'm a gem as well. I just, I'm different.
You have to dig for me a little bit. That's what makes us so wonderful.
I have another philosophical question for you though. Yeah.
What if, what if we don't have a shovel? And that's the real question. Wow.
Yeah. What if we don't have a shovel? You have to use question wow yeah what if we don't have a shovel you have to use your hands you have to get creative no no yeah why don't you open up your own hole i'm not like you open up i don't like opening up my hole you don't have to dig i'm not like you yeah yeah i don't want to open my hole to everybody like you don't have the time to dig dude well you know what happens to the people that open their hole all the time to everybody? What? They end up in fucking huge gang bangs.

Oh, that's right.

And then they're immortalized forever as the gang bang queen.

That's right. So guess what?

Yeah.

From now on, you, my friend, you're Queen B.

My friend?

You're the Queen B of this show.

Yeah, friendo?

You're the Queen B.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm the dirty gem and you're the Queen B.

Okay.

I'll be the Queen B, dude.

That's fine.

You are because you get fucked by thousands of people and you get tired of it.

I know you turn to me sometimes after you've opened your hole too much and you say to me, don't want to do it anymore and i say give the people what they want bitch and you do i love the way you reversed it by the way we had so many people at the live show that came and asked to see your butthole and or your penis but what bothers me is these guys it's always these brazen men show me your butthole and your penis and then i say will you show bobby your butthole and your penis yeah that's a fair exchange exactly and they get so creeped out yeah as if that's crazy to go you asked for his butthole show him your butthole fair is fair am i wrong so fair i didn't like it that guy got weird about it he was like that's fucking weird like what no because i think you said suck it or something You said something like that I said let him kiss it I said let him kiss it I think that was the part that he was like I don't know man Well dude Party with us or don't I felt a little I had a moment of that i play it played off for comedy when you kiss that guy in the front row that was fun and then he said something else you said something else about kissing and i said no now i get to kiss your wife or your girlfriend that's right that's right making a joke dude and she was into it why didn't you do it i know thank you i don't want to kiss this guy's wife yeah but she was like yes i'd love and he was like yeah she can i was like no no no i don't that was a joke i thought can i and they said yes and no she didn't oh she said no no no no oh yeah yeah and then so then i try to kiss the guy again and he goes no no he didn't want it more than once yeah yeah so i'm like whoa he's a true yeah we have look i'm cool if we've got some cuck fans yeah i'm down for cuckery it's what rudy really wants to have happen in her relationship back in the day when they used to have black she wants a cuck king don't you yeah yeah black and white fountains remember back in the day you know i mean if it was a white fountain you couldn't drink out of it what do you mean oh you mean the 60s yeah segregation yeah look at that i mean the colored one is better no it's not it's not right no the white one you put your penis in the middle of it yeah yeah but imagine that's disgusting it's so disgusting that's a part of our fucking history history dude they wouldn't share water yeah with black people that's how fucking crazy stupid it is that's crazy shit or when they couldn't even like sit at like a at the restaurant like a like diner table or they had their own section they wouldn't even be able to go in certain ones yeah of course like some of the you know the jazz documentaries we're not going back please don't go back let me give you i have some historical context okay okay all right some of these jazz bands right would go into a town play a hotel but they couldn't stay there right i know right so you know what did i say this already where what did i say this already where what would happen is you, Count Bassie or whatever would go with his band, right? They couldn't stay there, but their wives would go into the black neighborhood while they're on stage and ask the residents, the bands in town, can they stay? So then they would coordinate like, yeah, yeah. Little Slim, you know what I mean? And Jackie Eyes can sleep here, you know what I mean? Yeah.
And Frankie the Midget, you know what I mean? And Trombone Tony can sleep here, you know what mean and jackie eyes can sleep here you know i mean yeah and frank frank frankie the midget and you know man trombone tony can sleep here you know i mean and they they would all you know trombone tony i love him so good he's got little toes yeah yeah yeah little toes trombone tony yeah and squeaky peak squeaky squeaky peak and you know and whatever and then then after the show the wives would come back and go we got you a place to stay yeah that's insane yeah that was a reality it would sell out yeah that's a green book the whole movie was about that not being able to perform in certain places green mile or green book green mile was a totally different movie green book oh green book won an academy academy award with uh um academy academy award it wasn't a full-size one yeah what's it what's his name like a vigo i mean Viggo Morgensen and Mahershala Ali. Do you never saw that movie? Mm-mm.

Oh my God. You're in your jazz era? He toured the country, and Viggo Morgensen was his driver of a black...
Oh, no. I don't see that.
Do you know it, though? I don't know. Really? You're a movie guy.
It won an Academy Award. There's so many many movies though, dude.
No, no, this won an Academy Award. Oh, really? You saw every Academy Award movie? I think I've seen every movie that's won an Academy Award.
Ordinary people. Yes, seen it.
Name one. There's no Academy Award movie I've never seen.
Kramer vs. Kramer.
Yeah, dude. I've seen Kramer vs.
fucking Kramer. What's it about? Kramer.
Saying the N-word at the laughing room. No, no,'s it what's it about what is kramer versus kramer about it's a it's a court case film about what about kramer versus kramer but what is it kramer dude you never saw it no i never saw it's a divorce yeah no i did i have it about a divorce yeah i have seen hoffman was it i have seen it did kramer versus kramer get anything i don't know i was just making that up no but opp yes.
Coda. No, actually, Coda's the first one I haven't seen on that list.
I haven't seen Coda. Green Book, Parasite, Shape of Water, Moonlight, Birdman, Spotlight, Argo.
I've seen all these. 12 Years a Slave, Hurt Locker, Argo.
Oh, let me look at the map. King's Speech.
I never saw it. I did see the game.
I never saw it. No, that was good.
No Country, Departed. All these.
I've seen all these. So I watched No Country for Old Men again.
That scene in the gas station with that old man is probably the most it's he gives me the creeps in a way that no one can do call it friendo yeah friendo but it's also just that the performance of the man that was you know i mean the guy was so good if you really look at it the actor yeah i mean he's a character actor i don't know who he is but like it just so good. And his response.
Dude, have you seen this movie? No. That character right there is insane.
Go back real fast. There's one more that I know you and I definitely have never seen is Chicago.
I've never seen Chicago. Never seen the play or the fucking movie.
English Patient, fantastic. Forrest Gump, very good.
Great movie. So what's the repercussions of you failing your microbiology exam? Well, I have three more exams to go and I have right now like a B minus.
Oh, you're fine, dude. A B minus? Yeah.
I graduated high school with a C minus. You can, yeah.
That's good. That's not good.
Good? Even having a D is okay. I was last in my class.
We know. And you're first in our hearts.
Thank you. So nothing you're learning you're going to use in your fucking life anyway.
I wouldn't say that. Totally.
Are you a biology? You're not going to be a biologist. Well, I'm taking fish classes.
Yeah, she wants- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Marine biologist perhaps.
Maybe. Yeah, if you said you wanted to work in the water, you definitely need to know that stuff.
I thought you should just do animals. Just be a vet or whatever.
You would probably need to pass biology to be a vet. Oh, you do? Yeah, 100%.
Yeah, that's a big deal. You need to know about amoebas? Wow.
So I wonder what you would need to know. I mean- To be a vet in veterinary.
I mean, do you- I'm sorry, I'm dumb, but- I'm dumb. Do you spend like doctor eight years in medical school in medical school to be a vet yeah i don't know if it's a full eight i think it's six though yeah i think it's six which is a long fucking time four year okay so it's oh it is said eight years in total typically takes about eight wow and then do you make a lot of money i think vets make good money really well i can tell you how much my fucking That's true The scan cost when I went to the vet for the emergency vet Yeah Did I tell you this When my dog was puking and shitting blood No The average salary for a vet in California is 171 Wow that's a pretty good thing Pretty good That's very good Very good Yeah I took my dog to the vet And we don't have pet insurance And it was an emergency Because she was throwing up blood And sh blood and i pan i had the worst panic man i was so scared so sad then we go there and they take all these x-rays and stuff and they're like you know this is not covered and i said we don't even have insurance she goes okay i just want to let you know comes back with the bill and uh it's 1500 also on top of that she goes um some of the staff is a big fan can we take pictures pictures of you? Yeah.
I was like, my dog just shit in blood. At least a discount, no discount? No shit, no, no discount.
No picture discount. Nothing.
I was happily taking pictures like, my dog poop in blood. And I'm taking photos.
Wow. I did the right thing.
But I was also like, that's a little weird to ask me to take photos. First thing in the morning when my dog is shitting blood and I'm a little worried.
And you're like, can we get for the studio for the office i was like sure is the blood thing taken care of she's still shitting fucking blood yeah it was a little weird you know what my thing is is whenever i'm in a fucking pet food store i hate it when there's always old white ladies they come in and they go what's the cheapest cat food you got dry right and i'm always what I mean? I'm always like, that's your fucking family member. Yeah, that's the love of your life.
You know what I mean? Well, here's the deal. It's an economic thing for some people, right? So some people can't afford- Free range.
What? Some people can't afford to level up. It's hard.
Yeah, but it's just like the cheapest. You don't walk in the cheapest.
Well, think about, oh, let's genuinely, let's do this. Yeah.
In the scope of America, most people have to buy the cheapest gas, the cheapest well think about oh let's genuinely let's do this yeah the the in the scope of america most people have to buy the cheapest gas the cheapest groceries i being arrogant a little bit no not arrogant but you're being am i being i think you're forgetting out of touch with reality here a little bit my dog nice shit too like i think yeah but you live foolishly you know they're. The gap between cheapest and average isn't that much.

I agree.

A dollar or two.

I agree with you.

I agree.

But I'm saying most Americans have to buy the cheapest gas, the cheapest food, the cheapest everything to get through their lives.

Yeah, but it's just like.

We're blessed that you don't have to.

I don't know, dude.

Because even when in my early 20s, I had two cats and I went to the pet food store and i got like i had no money and i still went like i'm not gonna get the cheapest one i know you're talking i want them to you know i mean at least survive i agree but i think most people don't can't i think that's the bummer well they care i think some people don't care i think most people pets give a fuck about their pets they love their pets that's why there's like a what's that place called that's near my old house uh just dog just for dogs just food for dogs yeah that shit's so expensive i walked in there one time and i was like this is fucking rude it was like a i love it there two pound bag of food for like 80 bucks i was like what the fuck are you they're like we hand cut up filet yeah they do that's crazy no it's not crazy and let me crazy. That's what Bobby pays for the dogs.
You do that? Yeah. That's so much money.
Well, it's my dogs, dude. I know, dude, but that's an inflation.
If I go to fucking BLVD, right? Or, you know what I mean? Or Maestro's, right? I'm going to get my dog. Dude, I got fucking Nobu for my cats.
Fucking insane. Right? And they didn't like it, so I'm like, oh, I guess this isn't going to be a thing.
You got the fanciest sushi go to for my cats that's fucking insane right and they didn't like it so

i'm like oh i guess this isn't gonna be a thing you got the fanciest sushi in la yeah i cut up the salmon too and all that stuff like really thinly i go maybe that'll work i put gravy on it they don't like it crazy no it's not crazy no no it's crazy it's funny but it's i guess it's you know here's and i'm gonna cause a little controversy out here i might as well put my foot my foot down. And maybe some people, and I was going to say white people, but I'm not going to say that.
I don't want to generalize. No, go ahead and do it.
Yeah, they view their animals as a lower family member. Not true.
Don't generalize whites because I don't do that and he doesn't do that. Don't do that to whites.
Just people. How about this then? You want to take it there? That's why I brought it up.
Let's take it there. Let's take it there.
Let's take it there. Let's generalize.
Asians. Asians.
If you're going to do cat, we eat them. Time out.
Don't go eat them. We don't eat them.
Really? I don't eat them. Then don't generalize all whites.
Not in this America. Maybe in some fucking remote village in Taipei.
Well, you're talking about a global population here, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do Asians eat animals? Oh, I know. You're going to do this again with the fucking slave, the Korean slave thing? No.
That's what you're trying to do. Get a moment.
Rudy, do people still eat dogs film you've talked about this before like rural rural thank you and yet it happens but we're still in that three-year grace period where it's legal to eat in south korea they still haven't passed that bill but we did pass it but congratulate fucking late 2020 2024 yeah in three fucking what about hey buddy i'll i'll double down on you then. Give it to me.
What about squirrels?

Yeah, some whites eat squirrels.

Yeah, and snakes and shit.

How about this?

Yeah, yeah.

Then you get fucking-

Have you even attempted to pass the fucking law and did not eat squirrels?

Those cute little critters from the tree.

They're delicious.

They're delicious.

You've never had one?

Would you eat a squirrel?

I think I would.

100%.

They're so good.

Look at them right there. Ooh, is that a filet? Oh my God.
Look at them. It's all dark meat.
Yeah. So good.
It's so good. Oh my God.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Look at that.
What I'm saying is that I don't know why you went from me spending a little bit more money for my cats to us eating dogs. You did it.
I don't know how it went from there to there. Look, you can't generalize and say all whites...
I took it back already. Thank you.
I'll take mine back too then. Yeah.
But Asians still eat dogs. Yeah, and you guys eat squirrels.
Yeah, thank you. Okay.
But I know there's no people that have pets as squirrels. Oh, there are.
Who has a squirrel? Go to Dodo. Go to Dodo? Yeah.
Where's that? YouTube. And he has a squirrel as...
The Dodo. There's a where's that youtube and he has a squirrel dodo there's

a lot of squirrel friends that the people have in in their home in their home no they keep them

outside and they don't every day in the home dude there we go that's a guy chilling on a kitchen

table then look at that guy look at that dude look how fat he is too that looks like lunch to me i

know what do they feed them like fancy nuts they might yeah but like air one nuts yeah but there's

Thank you. Look how fat he is too That looks like lunch to me Do they feed them fancy nuts? They might Like Air One nuts? Yeah but there's a difference between Airplane nuts And going to Air One or something And getting like Organic nuts unsalted You know what I mean? That's what I would do I would assume they come from the same farm just packaged for Air One.
Okay, okay. I don't know how they're packaged.
I don't know what the farm- Well, you know what? That's it. Then we need to do bad friends visits a farm.
We need to go visit a farm so we can find out- But my point, though, being is, boom, there's another one chilling watching fucking- You know, reality TV on a couch, dude. Probably, you know, 90 Day Fiance.
Look at the fucking- Look at them chilling. He's watching Love is Blind.
Yeah, Love is Blind. Ch fat i know they're so cute they are so cute i know no look okay let's get back to the original back to yeah i value my pet the first thing the first person i kiss in my home when i walk i know i know you do because i know that you spent 1500 dollars but there's a lot of people that are like at the vet like well how much is it gonna cost well people some people cost? Well, people, some people can't afford it.
I'm lucky that I could afford it. Well,

you know,

I'm lucky.

I'm lucky.

I'm lucky that I'm able to do that.

Carlos' dog goes to the vet

and it costs him two grand

or something like that.

He's in some shit.

He's calling us.

Would you pay it?

Yeah,

of course.

He would.

There we go.

But he's scared.

Yeah,

that's,

yeah.

I'm not saying the feeling behind it.

Yeah,

it's going to be a hit

and it's going to be a bummer,

but I'm just saying it's like, but you're right. Well, that like it.
Okay. Here's it.
Here's one. All right When you guys when you guys the grapes, yeah, the grapes I got a call like oh yeah all the dogs are in the vet, right? And you got to help with the money, right? Because they all ate grapes.
Yeah, so I go They ate fucking grapes Like Roman emperors?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Right?

They're like

And then nothing happened

But you guys

We had to spend thousands of dollars

For what?

Yeah, exactly

So what was that all about?

The vet said that they were gonna die

But what?

Are you freaking

The fucking dogs to the fucking vet

It's the first place

Called first

And they said yeah Take them to the place You did? One grape?'t think it was grapes What was it Grapes The number of grapes Can be lethal to a dog Depends on the dog's weight But the general rule of thumb Is that one grape Per ten pounds of body weight Is potentially dangerous Why? Grapes and raisins Cause acute kidney failure In dogs What? I mean my dog Doesn't eat grapes Now you know That's crazy I don't know Now you know I'm glad I know Yeah yeah yeah And also why do you have Fucking just free grapes Laying on the ground Because we were taking care of a crow So we were feeding him grapes Oh that's right The crow Of course Do you know what they did for me I hope they got you a crow No Oh my god I feel so bad about that I haven't talked about this about the little bird i'm in the backyard with gunner yeah okay oh i know no you don't and i look and there's a bird a baby bird had fallen from the tree right and i look at gunner and gunner's just you know i mean I mean? And I'm like, he's not gonna.

And he goes up and just breaks,

breaks his neck with his fucking jaw.

Right.

And then I fucking grab Gunnar,

bring him in the house.

And now the fucking,

you know what I mean?

It's like the little birds going.

It was fucking insane,

dude.

Right.

It was making these,

right.

And I'm,

I call them,

they come over and then I go, you got to keep alive no i go right please his head is off i know it was just like you know you know and they came over it died right it died three days after three days is pretty good though yeah but i tried everything i tried everything but we love we love our friends in the sky that's what my point but you can love the friends you should have taken them out three days of suffering You drown them You drown them You drown them You take that bird You go to your pool You drown No I insane my dog has my dog has come back with all with different rodentsy things or whatever and i do but you you got it it's you got to get rid of it because it's suffering it's crazy it's awful when dogs do this it's a bummer but when they're living just those three days for the bird it's like fucking kill me oh yeah i don't know i don't know i don't know birds i don't know i got i have my newborn what i do i mean i went to college with four or five of them yeah yeah but i still talk to one of them if there was like a five percent chance that he it was just like you know a sprained neck or whatever right that's what i called because the worst would be like i'll just leave it there yeah and then day three i go back there and he's still you know i mean that would have been would have been bad. That's true.
What if he was paralyzed after that, you guys? Little bird wheelchair. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Little bird wheelchair.
You know, it's so funny, Andreas, you're trying to make fun of me like I have empathy for the little creatures in the world. You know what movie makes me really sad? What part? In Raising Arizona, when- One of my favorite movies of all time.
Me too. And when that, you know, the bad biker.
Yes. Yes.
Right. And he, it shoots that lizard.
I don't know why, even as a young man, I went, Oh, you know what else it is? That actor. Yeah.
That guy, he's so good. And you believe how he's so mean in his heart.
And the music is so powerful. Yeah.
God, that movie was good. If you haven't seen that movie.
Couldn't recommend it more. It's because it's- Coen Brothers Finest.
It does two things, okay? In the same year they did this, there's two movies that are my favorite movies is this and also Evil Dead 2. Those two movies are just masterpieces, but- 89, 88.
Yeah, this movie is so fucking good. And the beauty, her name is Ed, is one of the funniest things on earth.
Yeah. He falls in love with a woman named Ed.
Dude, Holly Hunter kills that movie. Because Ed is such a beautiful, like, guy, guy's name.
Look at Nicolas Cage, how young. Do you know the concept of this movie? They can't have a child, and so they decide they're going to steal someone's baby who's an embarrassment of riches.
Yeah, yeah. It's fucking great.
It's a comedy, though. Especially when Nicolas Cage goes up with the ladder into the fucking baby's room.

And Nathan Arizona's house?

Yeah, Nathan Arizona's house.

And there's that five minute montage of him trying to handle the baby.

Yeah.

It's so cleverly done.

It's so cute.

It's so good.

It's such a good scene.

There's another scene where he runs into his bedroom, right?

Because he has to do, I forget what he has to do.

And he sees a Playboy magazine on his bed.

And he puts it underneath the thing. And then he walks away.
And then he comes back and looks at the Playboy and then puts it back in there because he needs one more look. It's like those little things that makes that movie so special.
That's such a great movie. You got to watch that.
Okay. But you should be studying for your test before you watch another movie.
Yeah. So can we get you through school first? Yeah.
Yeah, please. Because I don't want you to fail.
After all the work you put in, when you think about it, she started this show as a senior in high school. I can't believe it.
And now you're graduating college. That's so incredible.
It really makes me sad. It makes me sad.
Because we're closer to death. That's all that you and I are doing.
Oh, my, you really think of that? We're crawling towards death. There's death.
Hey, we're on our way. Yeah.
And she's about to just grow into a fun adult life of fun and freedom and but you know who my fucking guy is i look at to make me feel more like he's like sort of like if he dies i'm fucked because he's a little ahead of me in the comedy scene yeah yeah he's a little ahead of me i see him all the time marin no and i look at him no it's like no smaller smaller tinier person than marin yeah brad williams no in between think in between cold cold also i'm older than brad it's a guy that's older than me and i know no you're not i am no little people are are a thousand years old he's been living forever he's lived seven lifetimes yeah yeah we have no idea how old they're you have to cut them in half and count their rings yesterday i i saw brad and i said a couple of things some dwarf jokes in the green room and i don't think it went over well in the room he's our boy i go i just walked into the room i go how's the carnival i don't know why i said that and then i so for some reason everyone was in there i go oh they love candy corn i don't even know if that's a fact they do yeah yeah but my point is i always keep a pocket david spade oh spade so when i see spade because he's like five years older than me and he looks good he does so i just go oh he looks good so i'm gonna worry when he doesn't look good well here's the problem this isn't apples to apples do you know what i mean don't do this it's like this is a zucchini to pair don't do this right no because don't do this right. Well, he takes care of himself a little bit.
Why? He exercises. I went hiking yesterday for so long.
No fucking way. Yeah.
So long. With whom? By myself.
In the dark. Where? In the dark? Yeah, the one by our house.
No proof. And this time, you know where I go? No proof.
There's a marker that I have. You know, there's the first bench on that.
Yeah. Now we go double i ask you something yeah it's so scary can i recommend something as a friend please don't hike in the dark if you fall or slip or something bad happens who the fuck is gonna get you that's the that's the thing i want oh you want to yeah yeah i'd rather you not yeah you know the only thing that i'm worried about is bobcats yeah dude you know you know, I mean people or yeah, what about weirdos? What about some guy that's waiting to fucking kill you? Oh, yeah, I mean, please don't hike at night Why there's other there's people families at night.
Oh, I see that with the flashlights. I've seen alpha dog I know what happens when you hike at night.
You end up in a pit Wow, please don't hike at night. Okay.
I'm concerned'm concerned for your well being But do you want to hike during the day with me? I would love to go hiking There's a hiking hill right by our houses That's the one I went to last night I kind of want to do it solo I'll tell you why Can I tell you why though? Can I tell you why? It's pace You pace. Oh.
You know what I mean? I understand. Yeah, I put my hands behind my back like an old Korean man.
I do that. And I kind of mosey up there with music.
Shuffle would be the word. I shuffle up there with music.
Yeah. And I go as long as I can and I come back down.
I appreciate that. I respect that.
I would love to hike with you, but I totally understand that. That's fine.
Is there a gym by your house? Because I want to join a gym. Right down the street from you, there's a gym.
What's it called? Equinox. Equinox.
You know. It's two miles from your home.
Yeah. That's right down the road.
You want to be able to walk to the gym? Yeah, because remember Dove Davidoff used to go to the one in Hollywood on La Brea. It's like that 24-hour boxing gym.
Oh, right. I used to go there.
I used to like it there. Well it there Well that's way far That's way further I'm just saying I want something That's grungy Because it's very rocky like You want something dirty Well it's nowhere Near your home You'll have to go Somewhere far away Okay You know what There's an old saying And it's from a sitcom There's an old saying It's from a sitcom It's called Different Strokes You know what I mean What you talking about Willis Willis Right What you talking about Willis Right Yeah That's what I want to say to you dude That was the wrong sitcom line It really was Yeah Yeah yeah I was trying to You know what I got it Bob I got you There's an old sitcom line There's an old sitcom line That you should That speaks exactly to you About what we're talking about Dynamite No That one's definitely one's definitely not.
That's not it? No, there is an old one that I got to tell you. It's perfect for this to fucking teach you about this world.
Give it to her, dude. Did I do that? Perfect.
Wait, what sitcom is that? Family Matters. That's fucking...
That's Steve Urkel. That's one of his catchphrases? Did I do that? I don't know if that is.
What? Did I do that? Did I do that? Is that what you've heard of that? Yeah. Okay.
Where did you fucking grow up? You don't know, did I do that? I never saw that one. Steve Urkel.
What do you... I know that.
Yeah, even the Spaniard fucking knows it. You're not the Googler.
I believe you. But you made me think that i'm wrong did i do that did i do that i've met him a couple times jaleel white i like him a lot yeah he's a sweet kid i've heard he's great he's a nice guy did i do that yeah he would break something oh i see i remember fantastic yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah there he is yeah by the way this is a character that I'm sure in this day and age, they would be like,

it just feels like we're targeting a type of person.

Right?

If you wrote that character on a TV show,

they'd be like, I don't know if we can do that.

There's no way.

Isn't that fucking wild?

Yeah.

You know who used to call me at three in the morning

randomly back in the day when I lived on Beachwood?

Before I met Kalilah?

Ron Jeremy.

At three in the morning.

No, it's a sitcom guy.

You're not gonna believe it.

Hold on, hold on.

And he always asked me, hey man, I'm in town What you doing? I'm sleeping By the sound of it Hey man Hey it's me Yeah Hold on Hey Yeah Let me do it Yeah too mad about Gary Gary Coleman He passed away I'm the only one one left. Well, it's got to be a small black guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got it, bud.
Go toward the light. Emmanuel Lewis.
Yes. Yes.
Got it. Webster.
Yes, Webster. This dude.
It's so funny. I saw him.
He used to call you? At three in the morning. Hey, man.
Hey, it's me. What you doing? E-dog.
It's like, he would go yeah he go meet me at you meet me at friend 62's i love that cafe yeah yeah and i'd be like no dude why not never hung out with him once like i read this thing this was fucking insane it's supposed to it really does dude you should try this this is a trick i know i know i know no no this is a trick i'm trying to do is uh um is this when you wake up in the morning instead of brushing your teeth with your right hand do it with your left and then when you get in the shower instead of doing your normal shower routine like what's the first thing you wash in the shower my back right so instead of doing your back do your feet first and then do your face and like switch up the why are you laughing at back that's just weird no it weird. No, it's not.
No, it's not. You're fucking weird.
What are you doing? Don't you go head first? No, everybody does it different. Head is last.
No. What? Head's last.
I actually agree. I do head and face last.
Yeah, yeah. No, here's my order.
I do my butthole for about 20 minutes. I'll literally tell you my order, okay? So I'll take, you know, we've already established that that plastic thing that has a cloth.
We already established that on this podcast. Sure.
Right. So I pull that out, right? I put two different body wash on it.
Right. From two different brands.
One of them probably like, you know, something that's like an axe, some bullshit one, but then I'll put an organic like fancy one. So you'll feed your dogs high-end food, but you're using axe on your body body no i put axe but i put then i put a high-end one that i got at a boutique place oh yeah so i'll combo it up upstairs downstairs yeah then i put it in a sud then i do that i do it back first back back arms arms chest right then in between the sacks scrub hard what do you mean sacks is singular you have more than one you know what the sack I have two sacks I you mean sacks? Singular.
You have more than one sack? No, no, no. What? The sack.

I have two sacks.

I have two sacks, right?

Legs.

And then what I do is rinse.

Yeah.

And then I do face with my face wash.

Right.

And then I do hair and then I'm done.

I get that.

What do you do?

I first get in there and I lube up the loofah.

I've got my nice little loofah.

How do you get your back with a loofah?

What do you mean it's on a stick? Oh. You don't have a loofah stick? No.
Oh, it's fantastic. It's actually my favorite because after you're done loofahing, you can flip the stick around and put it right up your ass.
Yeah. Love.
You don't do that? You don't do a little rabbit tail? With a loofah stick though, because I got one on the road, you can't get the real, like with the fucking one I have, you can really grind out your back. I don't need to.
Rub it into the back i don't know if i need to okay because i get a massage for that it's just a deep skin it has to do with muscles but how this skin is never exposed to almost anything on your back you don't need really need to exfoliate your back oh that's true that's what's exposed so i do the loofah i do sand angels on the on the beach i loofah i loo I get the loofah ready And I do Chest, neck and back first Great combo Pitsy, pitsy Pitsy, pitsy Yeah Then I go down to legs and feetsies Yeah And then I put the loofah down And I Yeah Yeah Yeah. yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i get a lot i love a lot yeah and i slap it boom right in my pepito and i and then i get underneath to my nifkin in my butthole yeah yeah i really work this area i really clean my butthole my wiener uh-huh i'm just gonna see how much you do it yeah okay that's a lot it's a lot yeah and then finally i finish with the top half with face and hair yeah that's the last jewels i just do hair shampoo conditioner and then body and then face and then brush my teeth.
And then that's it.

Oh, actually, you know what?

I lied.

I, the very first thing I do is brush my teeth in the shower.

You brush your teeth in the shower?

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

I don't do any of it.

You've never brushed your teeth.

No.

Let me see.

Looks fine.

Yeah.

Let's get a hands.

Who brushes their teeth in the shower?

Oh, wow.

Not me.

See people, some people don't like it.

I don't like it.

It's perfect.

I'm already there. It's, it's, it's like, you know, let me say, some people don't like it.
I don't like it. It's perfect.
I'm already there.

It's like, you know, let me say, honestly, it's like playing basketball on ice.

How?

It just doesn't belong there.

But you pee in the shower.

No, no.

I pee in the shower too.

He poops in the shower.

I don't poo in the shower.

That's insane.

We did a whole episode about it.

You smooshed the poop down the drain.

You talked about it.

Yeah.

One time. Okay.
One fucking time. Too many times.
One time. One time too many times.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
No. One time too many times.
One time. I did it a month ago.
You've done it more than once. You pooed in the shower? Yeah, I had to go.
Exactly. That's a good one.
Yeah, there you go. Yeah.
Well, you've done it often? Yeah, I'm not. I don't shame Carlos for doing that.
I get it. No, you should.
Okay. You do not poop in the shower.
Do not poop in the shower. You do what you need to do.
Thank you. Thank you.
Because then the water, it's going to... Okay, because I need a mirror when I brush my teeth.
What are you looking at? So you can go... You have to take...
I have my phone. I have my phone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have my phone.
I just don't... I feel it doesn't belong there.
I get this. People say this, but I think it does because it's the first thing I like to do.
It's warm. The water on your back is so warm and you're brushing under the warmth.
It's just, it's a perfect combination. It just seems like you're doing your taxes in the water.
It doesn't make a sense. Like you're with a cochlear, abacus, whatever.
So hygienically, you're cleaning your body and then also cleaning your mouth doesn't belong in the cleaning. Maybe you're right.
but I would never do it. I think you should, will you try it? Okay.
Please. Unfortunately, I want to know how Andres does his, but I know it's going to be fucking really weird and annoying.
How do you do your shower? It's like north to south. You start up top and go down? Yeah.
Always. Always.
All right, so everybody, okay okay carlos what's your shower routine uh get it it's a lot like rudy's actually well you like baths right because you like to have that the water on your clit i do like baths actually i love baths me too who doesn't they're fucking amazing but he lets the water rush on his little clit yeah um i i just about in terms of baths um what you got me for my birthday. Was it bad? No, it's not that bad.
It's just like, I don't know what the point is. I don't even know.
She gives me like- Bath salts. No, it was flowers.
Like full-blown petals. Oh, no, it's actually the aromatics.
It's good for you. Really? It's supposed to calm you down.
Yeah, it's really- But then I gotta pick all the shit up. You have someone clean your fucking house for you.
You don't do that. She's't know.
She's right there. She gave herself garbage.
Yeah, when's the last time you clean my house? Months. Months.
Yeah. Get back to it.
It's too much. It's too much.
Is it? I got a new person. You did? Yeah.
One person or more than one? It's a cabal of Hispanics. It's a cabal? A cabal of Hispanics.
Wow. Just one pickup truck, 35 Hispanics.

And they're amazing.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Where did you find these people?

Through my friend.

Why?

Because what if I need somebody?

It's through Gilbert.

Gilbert.

She's great.

Okay.

Yeah.

I have a woman that I'm dearly, dearly in love with.

Well, then why'd you ask me?

In case she doesn't want to do it anymore.

What if she stops one day?

Yeah.

Dude, this woman is so fucking beautiful and nice.

I'm actually not even making a comedy joke right now yeah she's such a fucking lovely person her heart is so beautiful she walks in the door and sits and plays with the dog before she's like my friend my friend and she'll like sing to the dog and sit and play with the dog it like makes my soul so happy when i see her and she's always in a good mood and i've told her multiple times, I've said, you know, if you want me to get you food or you want to eat or whatever, anything in the house you can have, always, anything. I've never seen her eat.
I've never seen her drink water. She's never gone to the bathroom.
Never. I'm always like, you know, you can have any of the food in the fridge.
You can do anything you want. She's like, no.
Okay. No, it's okay.
But do you do the Bobby Lee test of deception? I leave money all over the place. That's what I do.
Yeah. I leave thousands and thousands of dollars.
Deception. And what I do is I leave random money.
Yeah. Tens, twenties, sometimes a hundred.
Yeah. In places to see if they take.
Yeah. And they never take.
They never take. That's the places to see if they take yeah and they never take they never take that's the test because if they take i fire you kill you don't kill but do you do that well i went to a jewelry store i got a bunch of loose diamonds that's what you have and i'll just put diamonds all over that's insane no but she's so it's like she's so honest if she did take from me I don't care she's such a good person if she was yeah if she if i caught her yeah and she was like i steal this okay well i say if you when you're cleaning and you saw like a random dollar bill you would in your head go oh that's a test of deception yeah right you would pass this test recently i'm proud to say what happened i was at mercedes and there was a five dollar bill on the bench and I just took test recently.
I'm proud to say. What happened?

I was at Mercedes and there was a $5 bill on the bench and I just took a picture of it and I didn't take it.

Okay, this is not the same scenario.

You're an idiot.

You should have taken the $5 bill.

Really?

What the fuck?

In the wild, yes.

In the wild is fine.

In the wild, yes.

Money in the wild?

I thought I was being filmed or something.

For what?

Yeah.

Streamer, playing streamer.

Oh, yeah.

Sometimes they do that, right?

I know, but what would be the...

You picked up a random...

Yeah, yeah.

Was there anybody around you?

No one.

That's your money.

I don't know. or something for what yeah streamer playing oh yeah sometimes they do that right i know but what would be that you picked up a random was there anybody around you no one that's your money i left okay have you seen these carlos have you seen these okay where they like they'll have like um a little girl like on a bench oh yeah okay so what i'm talking their tests of trust i hate right where it's like you know, like a woman will be sitting there, right, who's like a plant, right? And then some guy will hit on her, right? And some strangers, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm so grateful I'm not in that. Yeah.
Because I don't think, I don't know. I think I would fail.
You'd walk away. I would just be like, oh, that's weird.
You know what I mean? I'd walk away. Or if a little girl comes and say, excuse me, sir, I don't have anyone.

And I'd be like, oh, you do him when you look?

Get the fuck away from me.

Yeah, they catch me doing that.

I'm fucked, dude.

Yeah, you're done.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, those tests.

What would you do?

That's the name of the show.

Yeah.

It's called John Quinones, What Would You Do, right? Isn't that what it's called? What Would You Do? Yeah. What Would You Do? If I saw that? Yeah, that's what it's called john john john quinones what would you do right isn't that what it's called what would you do yeah oh what would you do if i saw that yeah that's what it's called what would you do yeah that's what it literally the show we're talking about what would you do i i honestly i'm so aloof in public i'm me too i'm probably just walking by oh yeah i don't know i'm not gonna stay there and take care of it is there anything that you a punk that you did that was like that aired that went crazy uh is there a punk that i did that went i mean you mean like what like it did well i don't know yeah but there was like they were mad like super mad or i mean no i don't think there was anything that we did that uh like everything that aired kind of went uh i will say oh there were no that's not true there's so many lives you've lived there's one there's one that we did in the hills and i don't remember who it was and it was a bad idea i don't remember the girl i don't remember we were in the hills and um i was pretending like uh i was lost and they were house sitting and i pretended like i was a guy who's just like lost in the hills and my car died and somehow somehow we figured out a way to get me inside of the home.
And this woman thought she was like trapped with the hitchhike killer or something like that. Oh, wow.
It was fucked. It was such a bad bit.
It was so stupid and so overblown. This woman was on the phone with her mother like just bawling, crying.
And they never aired that either. No, it did not.
I don't think we aired that one. No, no, no.
No, I mean the the aired ones are, you know, like Efron hitting an old woman. We hit an old woman with a car, a stunt woman.
Oh, you knew Zac Efron then? That's the first time I met him. Wow.
Yeah. Yeah, that was the first time I met that guy.
Anyway. Deep Hollywood connections.
Well, first of all, I was a kid. I was an actor on Punk that no one knew, and people still didn't know that I did that.
I remember you then. And I got paid like like fucking $40.
Yeah, but I was remembering this guy's on the rise. You know what's so funny? Here I am shooting Punk'd.
No, no, listen how funny this is. Here I am shooting Punk'd, shooting a TV show, writing it and being an actor in it, working at the studio and I was worried about rent every month.
That's insane. I was so worried.
Yeah. There was a month that I almost didn't pay rent.
Yeah. Because I got paid so little money from the show.
Would you make a week? It wasn't a week It was an episode You got paid an episode How much did you get an episode? I think it was I think it was $1,500 Something like that An episode Yeah but then with taxes and all that stuff Yeah to pay my agent, my lawyer Yeah $700 Yeah $800 $700 Yeah And how many episodes did you do a month? Oh no it was not a month In total we only did don't even know what we did. And that was your only income? I was forced to work for the studio full-time.
Like, I got put in that system, and I was working for the studio. Wow.
Yeah, like I was writing for them and all that stuff, and I was, yeah. You got ripped off.
Yeah, we got cooked. Those guys were making millions of dollars.
We were fucking, I mean, that's Hollywood and jazz. That's what they do.
My Mad TV was $4,500 a week.

That's great.

Yeah.

That's really good money.

But you only got four the first year.

What do you mean?

Oh, only got four episodes.

And then you can't do anything else.

Yeah, and they hold you.

So then you're like,

what am I going to?

What the fuck am I going to?

It's weird to be on TV.

Yeah.

And people from home being like,

dude, you're on TV.

I know. And you're like, I can't pay rent.
Do anything. It's weird to be on TV.
Yeah. And people from home being like, dude, you're on TV.
I know. And you're like, I can't pay rent.
I can't do anything. It's fucked.
The business is fucked. That's why you- You're still eating at Arby's and like- Arby's? What are you, rich? I know.
I know. I was eating- Exactly.
Maybe out of the trash can behind the Arby's. Yeah, Will at the comedy store.
Have you guys got any beef you're throwing away? Beans aren't toastless, pretty hungry. Yeah.
But now at the comedy store, they're like, dude, congratulations. You're like, yeah, I'm making less money than I was before.
No, dude, are you kidding me? Free meals at comedy clubs? Oh, my God. When they were like, when I would go and play those clubs, I'd be like, hey, can we get lunch and dinner here? Yeah.
And they were like, what? Why? I'm like, pay for food. But I played it i remember the first year i went i got on it with i can't say her name but a hispanic girl we all know her i think right and so there was like um a couple of weeks where we weren't in anything didn't make a sketch not a single sketch Right? And all the white nude dudes, people were getting everything.

White nude dudes.

Yeah.

And then, so, I remember her coming into my dressing room crying.

She goes, this is fucked up.

I go, what is it?

She's like, well, I mean, you're Asian, I'm Hispanic, and we're not gay.

I'm going to go to the president of the company.

Of Fox?

No, of the show.

The guy that owns the show.

Oh, right.

Who's like this old Hollywood mogul, right? I can say his name. He's a great guy.
David Salzman. Okay.
He did Dallas and Judge Judy. I mean, this is an old guy, right? And I grabbed her by the wrist.
I go, please don't. I go, and if you do, leave my name out of it.
We will be fired. Yeah.
Yeah. And she's like, no, I'm'm making a stink This is bullshit She goes Knocks on his door And just went into a cry fest Right Two weeks later I never saw her again You got fired Yeah That's what happens And I was in nothing And I just My fingers on the fucking dressing room wall Yeah Just hanging Bobby Yes They're taking my ankle Trying to get my ankle, trying to get me out.
I'm like, I'm not leaving! Right? And that's, I think that was the right move. It took years for me to get anything really legitimate, but I just, I barely made every, you know what I mean? But you didn't get fired.
You gotta play it smart. You didn't get fired.
Yeah. I'm a cockroach.
You gotta play it smart. Yeah.
Something that you don't, she doesn't have to with her generation she can do whatever she wants can i tell you another story about i have to tell you this so i'm not gonna name any names but i um there was another female comic from the store right that was gonna test for mad tv whitney no i can. Okay.
Right. And so we were, I remember seeing her and I go,

oh, so are you nervous about the test?

Yeah.

And she goes, I ain't doing it.

And I go, why?

She goes, I need 10 grand.

To test?

I need 10 grand.

Because you know, you negotiate.

Yeah, I know.

Was she famous already?

No.

Oh.

She was just the same comic I was. Sure.
Nobody. right and i go you're asking for 10 000 an episode because the initial thing is 4500 right and she goes yeah and i go oh i'm testing i don't care they could give me peanuts yeah i'm fucking testing air one peanuts though right yeah and then so five years after was at a restaurant.
She served you. Yeah.
And you know what she said to me? She goes, I should have taken the 4,500. Oh my God, that hurts my heart.
And I swear to God, and I was like, my heart cracked. You stiffed her on the tip.
I go, yeah, but hey dude, can I get the fucking ketchup? You know what I mean? I asked you for the hot sauce. You know what I mean never worked again never saw her again she should have taken it she would have killed it on that show we need to figure out a way to have Rudy get her act together so we don't have a failure on our hands oh that's the the lessons today? Yeah, I'm scared.
No, no, you don't have to be scared. You have to make the right decision.
No, you should be scared. But how do you know that you're making the right decisions? Fuck, that's a good question.
That is a very good question. I actually don't know.
Well, I mean, the opportunities that you get... Seize them.
You seize them. Yeah.
You don't go against them. Because I really honestly believe that one day, and don't give me that face.
Don't give him that face. One day you're going to look back at certain times in your life, you're going to go, oh, I didn't see it for what it was.
And say that to all of our fans too. Sometimes it's like if it's right there in front of you, the worst that can happen is that it just doesn't work the way you think, but you got to keep trying it.
Like for instance, if Seven Echies wanted to do a podcast with you individually and you know what I mean? And they go, you want to try it? Right? I think your instinct would be, no, I don't want to do it. Right? Yeah.
Yeah. Well then don't, but I think you'd regret it.
Because the iron's hot now. Right.
It won't be 10 years from now. If you try it and it doesn't work, all that happened was it didn't work.
It doesn't matter. You don't lose, you know? It just didn't work.
Because in this moment in your life, you can make as much money as you can and then, you know, later, you'll have a little savings or whatever. But I honestly believe that, you know, life is hard and it's hard out there to make a living.
And we've seen people struggle and it's like, you know, life is hard. And it's hard out there to make a living.

And we've seen people struggle.

And it's like, you know, I feel like I've,

and me and Andrew both have made decisions

that were like at the end of the day, you know, beneficial.

Well, and I made some failures.

I did a lot of failures.

Me too, me too.

I mean, most of the things I did was, not a failure.

Most of the things I did didn't work out

the way I thought they might've worked out. Bad sitcoms, bad scripts and testing, and it doesn't work.
It just didn't work. And then you go, go, go until it works.
But not seizing the opportunity is tough, and we want you to win. All we care about is you winning.
I think I am more open, though. I know you are.
I think you've grown so much on this show.

It is crazy.

So much.

Well, end the show.

Tell them goodbye.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Fantastic. Yeah.
Woo. Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.