Rudy's Fantastic Fail

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. Does a bee have a dick? Does it? Yes.
Male bees, also known as drones, have a penis or penis.

Speaker 2 A benis.

Speaker 3 It gets ripped out.

Speaker 2 What? What? His penis is doomed to be ripped out from his body along with his intestines when he goes looking for love. So the moment he has sex,

Speaker 2 penis gone.

Speaker 2 Wow, one and done. That's why they're very faithful.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 During the mating flight, several male bees called drones will be selected from thousands of others in their colony to mount the virgin queen bee mid-flight. So they all, oh, so she's a skank.

Speaker 2 So she takes it from all these, all these bees? Yeah. They give it to her and then they die.
Yeah, go ahead. You don't have to raise your hand.
What's up? What's up?

Speaker 2 We're like professors at a college. Yes, young lady.
Rudy, please.

Speaker 3 There's a video on TikTok about a girl that bang 101 men.

Speaker 2 Okay, that has nothing to do with bees.

Speaker 2 Queen Bee. Oh.
Is that her name, Queen Bee? It should be. Wait a minute.
There's a woman who's banged 101 men what? What? In her lifetime?

Speaker 3 No, like once.

Speaker 2 In one sitting? In one day.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, those are called gangbangs. No, not gangbangs.
What do they call them? Yeah, gangbang. Gangbang, yeah.
No, that's more than a gangbang. 101 guys? One day.

Speaker 2 That's a small problem. You never get invited to those parties, do you? I did get invited, but I couldn't make it.
I go, can I be 102?

Speaker 2 Imagine being 102. A woman films aftermath of sleeping with 101 men in just 14 hours.
Wow. You're going to be exhausted.
Yeah. You've got to be exhausted.
Would you rather be 102 or one?

Speaker 2 How much would I have to pay you to sleep in that bed when it's done with 101 guys?

Speaker 2 I mean, honestly, for one night, would you sleep in that bed?

Speaker 2 After 100 years? If I was in the thing, yeah. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to sleep there if I'm like, I wasn't like, they're like, you're not a part of it.
How funny, though. And they're like, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's a a good fantasy football punishment. You lose in your fantasy league, you got to sleep in the bed of 101, uh, 101 dudes aftermath.
Zoom in a little bit. That is awful.
Who litters at an orgy?

Speaker 2 Yeah, clean up aftermath. Right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, you're just throwing paper towels and ketchup packets and like, what the fuck is going on here, dude? You called, what? Yeah, you would. Oh, yeah, you would.
Chicken and stuff?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd be fried chicken. Well, you have to wait in line.
She's pretty good. What are you going to do in line?

Speaker 2 Well, you'd be on your phone the whole time. Yeah, I'd be like TikToking, scrolling, fried fried chicken, right?

Speaker 2 Imagine if it's your turn to get up there and gangbang her, and you're like, dude, I am so close to finishing this Goku. I have to finish this.
And then, guess what? Also, I'm meeting. Huh? Blue Chew.

Speaker 2 Yes, you are. She's actually very hot.
I'm blue chewing it. She's pretty hot.
But you know what's so crazy

Speaker 2 about this is you just called me out a week ago about this, about being too like a clean freak.

Speaker 2 You know me. I'd be waiting in line for the gangbang, cleaning up after everybody.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know. You've been kicking it.
Please don't leave all this stuff. Especially if it's at your house.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
That's why we don't host gangbangs anymore.

Speaker 2 Wait, so she's an OnlyFans girl, her name is Lily Phillips, yeah, and she's so 101 guys in one day. Is she setting a is this at least a record?

Speaker 2 No, there's no way, yeah, I don't think that's a record, yeah. I think somebody did it a thousand times in 14 hours.
Oh, not in 14 hours, I don't know. That's a that's so much.

Speaker 2 I mean, because technically they don't have to come, so you could just have no. I would do what I would do is I'd lay there and go just one pump

Speaker 2 every so I can get just get through everyone. That's okay, one pump, and then you would have to use a condom, right?

Speaker 2 I would fucking hope so.

Speaker 2 What? 101 guys. I would hope you'd wrap it up.

Speaker 3 The girl said she didn't need

Speaker 3 an STD test to prove that they're clean.

Speaker 2 What? They did not?

Speaker 2 And did they wear a condom?

Speaker 3 You get first priority if you have

Speaker 2 a proof, but you don't need to. They have a fast pass like Disneyland.
Whoa. Front of the line.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 The way they fast pass. And then also, you know, they also have the fast pass.
They have kids in wheelchairs that go next to it. Do those guys get to the front as well?

Speaker 2 Or do they have to wait in line? Well, for military first.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're boarding military.

Speaker 2 Well, military and what is it? People who need more time to board? Yeah, let them go first in the gangbang. Yeah, yeah.
And then we'll get to first class. And then the elderly.
Oh, they got to.

Speaker 2 Come on, grabs. Let's go.
I can't wait to peel your pussy to pieces. Yeah.
So, wait a minute, dude. Look, I just did the math because I'm stupid.
101 guys in 14 hours. Seven guys an hour.

Speaker 2 Seven an hour. Wow.
That's almost two guys every 15 minutes. So they are

Speaker 2 yeah. It must have sounded like a construction zone next door.
Yeah. People have been like, what's going on over there?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I mean, I just, I don't know.
I just wouldn't be able to get it up. I don't think.

Speaker 2 Look, if I got a terminal illness,

Speaker 2 I'm going to tell my wife, I got to leave you and I got to go join this world's greatest gang bang.

Speaker 2 I got to go. One time I was at an audition, okay? Now, this is how the Hollywood stuff starts.
Here we go.

Speaker 2 I was at an audition and I walk in and it was all like it was Finesse Mitchell, Eric Riff, like all my friends. And we were high-fiving, right? We were making each other laugh, right?

Speaker 2 And then all of a sudden I hear somebody go, okay, Bobby. And I ate that audition so bad.
It was fucking bad. Right.
The same thing's going to happen at that fucking gangbang.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're going to fucking. I'm going to fuck around.
Right. What's up, dude? You know what I mean? Great movie or whatever, right?

Speaker 2 You did a great job or whatever, right? And then as soon as my name's called, I'm going to walk in there and it's going to be completely dead. Nothing's going to work.
I don't know, man.

Speaker 2 I would have to maybe. You get nervous.
I would grab a breast. Gotta.

Speaker 2 No. I wonder what her rules are.
I would try to get it going. You know what I mean? So I would grab a breast and I would probably always go, are you okay? Right.
Is everything okay? You wouldn't ask?

Speaker 2 I'd be the first guy. I'd be the one guy who kisses her.

Speaker 2 And she's like, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah. I just want to foreplay a little bit.

Speaker 2 A little foreplay. The world's biggest gangbang, by the way, was at Hollywood Studio Annabelle Chong, one of ours.
Look at that. Oh, Annabelle Chong.
300 men. Oh my God.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, this is the best part.

Speaker 2 It said the participants were far fewer than advertised, so she only got to get to 251. Let's be nice.
That's still incredible. Wow.
Can we see a picture of Annabelle Chong, please?

Speaker 2 It was in 95. That's in 1995.

Speaker 2 And she's where? Go scroll down a little bit. Where's she from? Grace, her born University of Southern California.
She went to USC. She's from Singapore.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Hey. What does she look like? Yes, she's going to Singapore.
Bobby. Yeah, yeah.
Annabelle, if you're still working, Bob and I are coming with the Bad Friends crew. We'd love to meet you.

Speaker 2 What does she look like now? Annabelle Chung now.

Speaker 2 I mean. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, still pretty good. Oh, she's pretty.
Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 2 She's known professionally as Annabelle Chung is a Singaporean former pornographic actress who became famous after starring an adult film that was performed by the world's biggest gangbang.

Speaker 2 So she's no longer working, but she's running like a shop somewhere. She's probably just doing like a clothing store.
Oh, she's 52, Bob. Chong's Dong.
Oh, hey. Wow.
Younger than you.

Speaker 2 The queen of gangbang is younger than you. That's how you know you're getting older.
Yeah. Rudy, what's been going on with you?

Speaker 3 I failed an exam.

Speaker 2 Oh, great. That's fantastic.
What? That's bad? I'm clapping. That's good.
No, I said, that's fantastic. You have to fail in order to learn how to win.
To learn how to win. That's right.

Speaker 2 What did you, which one? Wait, wait, wait. Let's guess.
Well, ask me some of the questions that's on the exam. Maybe I can answer them.
I don't even know.

Speaker 3 That's why I failed.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait. You don't know what topic it was? What the subject matter was?

Speaker 3 It's like DNA transcription.

Speaker 2 Here we go. I'm the expert of DNA.
Go ahead, ask. Biology.
You failed biology, right? Microbiology. Microbiology.
Like, give me just any question that they might have.

Speaker 2 Are you fucking kidding me? You don't even know one question on the exam? She said she failed. Failed.
How many questions are there? There were 50 questions. You don't know one.

Speaker 2 No. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 It's like about transcription, like DNA replication. Can you talk us about DNA replication?

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying. Okay, here you go, Bob.
What's the difference between bacteria and viruses?

Speaker 2 Well, they're about amoebas.

Speaker 2 I mean, one has an amoeba and one has a amoebooeo. You fail.
No, I'm not done. Well, you're done.
You're failed. No, I'm not.
Can I finish? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know what? You're so rude. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Dude, you know what I realized about you Tuesday when we did the live show, dude? You're a little cocky.

Speaker 2 I'm cocky? Yeah. And a little bit like confident and sure of yourself.
People see that. That's what the audience said.
Remember when they said that? People see it. They people see it, right?

Speaker 2 That I'm confident. Yeah, what do they say? What do they say Tuesday night? Why are we bringing this up?

Speaker 2 Starting away from it. What do they say Tuesday night?

Speaker 2 They asked Andrew if he was better than are you arrogant or better or you think you're better than anyone? That's what I'm getting at. You know what I mean? And I want you to lower it.

Speaker 2 No, I don't think I'm better than anybody except for you.

Speaker 2 See, that's what I'm saying. It's just you.
That's it. I treat her very well.
But I wonder why the audience read that. It's one woman.
Okay. One woman said that.

Speaker 2 And also, by the way, I know why she said that. What? This is a bad, she's negging.
It's a bad neg. Yeah.
It's like a bad flirt. It's a shitty flirt.

Speaker 2 So I'm sitting in the audience watching Andrew perform, and there was a pretty attractive woman next to me.

Speaker 2 And during one of your jokes, people are laughing, and she turns to me and she goes, your friend's hot. And you know what I did? I went,

Speaker 2 it was just an instinctual like. Was this a girl that you were with or just a random girl? Some random girl, but I just wanted to, if I could spit out poison, yeah, you would

Speaker 2 blind. I had a rattle, dude.
I went out right in her neck, you know what I mean? Like a scorpion,

Speaker 2 right in the neck, dude.

Speaker 3 You're very buffed,

Speaker 2 oh, fuck off.

Speaker 2 I love you, rude. You know what? Let me say this.
Oh, here we go. I'll say this.
I love our fans more than anything. I thank them graciously.
It means the world to me.

Speaker 2 People may think

Speaker 2 that I'm like

Speaker 2 shut down or cold, but if you you know me, you know I'm not. I just have a demeanor that has so much trauma and damage that I just feel a little blank sometimes.
So people don't know.

Speaker 2 I would love to say hi and smile at you, but when I walk around town, maybe I look a little,

Speaker 2 and that's because I'm a broken, shattered dude. Yeah, backstage, too, I like to observe other people that aren't familiar with comics and stuff.
And they get a little nervous around you.

Speaker 2 Only because i'm so kind of stuck i know but i see people going like

Speaker 2 you know what i mean it's like what's going on well because here's the deal little boy your life are you lost you are a bright beautiful light you're i come in there with joy dude and that's what my thing is dude i'm pure joy you are and my

Speaker 2 positive energy mine is comedy from a very um kind of like a very like planted space sure and you're a more you're you are a bright shiny star like napoleon you know what i am okay i'm i am a i'm a i you have to dig for me i'm a a gem, but you have to dig for me.

Speaker 2 Okay. You got to get down in there.
You, you know who you are? Yeah. You're bio.
Was that bioluminescence? You know, that when the ocean glows at night? Yeah. That's you.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and it's a compliment. I'm just saying, I'm a gem as well.
I just, I'm different. You have to dig for me a little bit.
That's what makes us so wonderful.

Speaker 2 I have another philosophical question for you, though.

Speaker 2 What if we don't have a shovel?

Speaker 2 And that's the real question. Wow.
Yeah. What if we don't have a shovel? You have to use your hands.
You have to get creative. No.
No? Yeah. Why don't you open up your own hole?

Speaker 2 I'm not like you.

Speaker 2 I don't like opening up my hole. You don't have to dig.
I'm not like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't want to open my hole to everybody like you. You don't have the time to dig, dude.

Speaker 2 You know what happens to the people that open their hole all the time to everybody? They end up in fucking huge gangbangs. Oh, that's right.

Speaker 2 And then they're immortalized forever as the gangbang queen. So guess what? From now on, you, my friend? Queen, you're queen bee.
My friend? You're the queen bee of this show. Yeah, friendo?

Speaker 2 You're the queen bee. Yeah.
Okay. I'm the dirty gem and you're the queen bee.
Okay, I'll be the queen bee, dude. That's fine.

Speaker 2 You are, because you get fucked by thousands of people and you you get tired of it.

Speaker 2 I know you turn to me sometimes after you've opened your hole too much and you say to me, I don't want to do it anymore. And I say, give the people what they want, bitch.

Speaker 2 And you do. I love the way you reversed it.

Speaker 2 By the way, we had so many people at the live show that came and asked to see your butthole and or your penis. But what bothers me is these guys, it's always these brazen men.

Speaker 2 Show me your butthole and your penis. And then I say, Will you show Bobby your butthole and your penis? Yeah.
That's a fair exchange. Exactly.
And they get so creeped out. Yeah.

Speaker 2 As if that's crazy to go, you asked for his butthole, show him your butthole. Fair is fair.
Am I wrong? Fair, so fair. I didn't like it.
That guy got weird about it. He was like, That's fucking weird.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 no, because I think you said, and let him suck it or something. You said something like that.
I said, let him kiss it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I said, let him kiss it. So

Speaker 2 I think that was the part that he was like, oh, no, I don't know, man. I'll tell you.

Speaker 2 Well, dude,

Speaker 2 party, party with us or don't.

Speaker 2 I felt a little, I will say, I had a moment of true vulnerability that I played off for comedy when you kissed that guy in the front row. That was fun.

Speaker 2 And then he said something else. You said something else about kissing.
And I said, no, now I get to kiss your wife or your girl. Oh, that's right, that's right.
Making a joke. Dude,

Speaker 2 she was into it.

Speaker 2 Why didn't you do it? No, thank you. I don't want to kiss this guy's wife.
Yeah. But she was like, yes, and he was like, yeah, she can.
I was like, no, no, no, no. I don't.
That was a joke.

Speaker 2 Then I went, can I? And they said, yes. And she didn't.
She said, no. No, no, no.
Oh, yeah, yeah. And then, so then I try to kiss the guy again, and he goes, no.
No, he didn't want it more than one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, whoa.
He's a true. Yeah.
Well, you have, look, I'm cool if we've got some cuck fans. Yeah.
I'm down for cuckery.

Speaker 2 It's what Rudy really wants to have happen in her relationship. You go back in the day when they used to have black and white.
She wants a cuck king, don't you? Yeah. Yeah.
Black and white fountains.

Speaker 2 Remember back in the day?

Speaker 2 It was a white fountain, you couldn't drink out of it. What do you mean? Oh, you mean the segregation?

Speaker 2 Yeah, segregation. Segregation.
Yeah, yeah. Look at that.
I mean, the colored one is better. No, it's not.
It's not, right? No, the white one, one, you put your penis in the middle of it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But imagine. That's disgusting.
It's so disgusting. That's a part of our fucking history.
History, dude. They wouldn't share water with black people.
That's how fucking

Speaker 2 stupid it is. That's crazy shit.
Or when they couldn't even sit at

Speaker 2 the restaurant, like at a diner table. Right, they had their own section.
They wouldn't even be able to go in. Certain ones, yeah, of course.
Like some of the, you know, the jazz documentaries.

Speaker 2 We're not going back to this.

Speaker 2 Please don't go back to this.

Speaker 2 I have some historical context here. All All right.
Okay. All right.
Some of these jazz bands, right, would go into a town, play a hotel, but they couldn't stay there. Right.
No, right.

Speaker 2 So you know what that's greeted? Did I say this already? Where what did I say this already? Where what would happen is,

Speaker 2 you know, Count Bassey or whatever would go with his band, right? They couldn't stay there, but their wives would go into the black neighborhood while they're on stage and ask the residents,

Speaker 2 The bands in town, can they stay? So then they would coordinate like, yeah, yeah, Lil Slim, Slim, you know what I mean? And Jackie Eyes can sleep here, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and Frank, Frank, Frank, Frankie the Midget, and Trombone Tony can sleep here, you know what I mean? And they would all, you know, Trombone Tony. I love him.
He's so good. He's got Little Toes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Little Toes, Tombo, Trombone Tony.
And Squeaky Peak,

Speaker 2 Squeaky Peak, and

Speaker 2 whatever. And then

Speaker 2 after the show, the wives would come back and go, we got you a place to stay. That's insane.
Yeah, that was a reality. They would sell out.
Yeah. That's a Green Book.
The whole movie was about that.

Speaker 2 Not being able to perform in certain places. Green Green Mile or Green Book? Green Mile was a totally different movie.
Green Book. Green Book won an

Speaker 2 Academy Award with

Speaker 2 Academy? Academini Award. It wasn't full-size one.

Speaker 2 What's his name?

Speaker 2 Vigo Morgenson and Maharshala Ali.

Speaker 2 You never saw that movie? Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 In your jazz era?

Speaker 2 He toured the country, and Vigo Morgenson was his driver of a black. Oh, no, I don't see that.

Speaker 2 Do you know it, though? I hurt me. Really?

Speaker 2 You're a movie guy. It won an Academy Awards.
There's so many movies, though, dude. No, no, this won an Academy Award.
Oh, really? You saw every Academy Award movie?

Speaker 2 I think I've seen every movie that's won an Academy Award. Ordinary people.
Yes, seen it. Name one.
There's no Academy Award movie I've never seen. Kramer vs.
Kramer.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. I've seen Kramer vs.
Fucking Kramer. What's it about? Kramer.
Same the N-word at the laugh. No, no, what's it about? What is Kramer vs.
Kramer about?

Speaker 2 It's a court case film. About what? About Kramer vs.
Kramer. But what is it? Kramer, dude.
You never saw it. No, I never saw it.
It's a divorce. Yeah, no, I did.
I have seen it. It's about a divorce.

Speaker 2 Justin Hoffman was in it. I have seen it.
Did Kramer versus Kramer get anything? I don't know. I was just making that up.
No, but Oppenheimer, yes, everything, yes. Coda, no.

Speaker 2 Actually, Coda's the first one I haven't seen on that one. I haven't seen Coda.

Speaker 2 Green Book, Parasite, Shape of Water, Moonlight, Birdman, Spotlight, Argo. I've seen all these.
12 Years of Slave, Hurtlocker, Argentina.

Speaker 2 King's Speech. I never saw it.
I did see the.

Speaker 2 I never saw it. No, that was good.
Yeah. No Country, Departed.
All these. I've seen all these.
So I watched No No Country for Old Men Again.

Speaker 2 That scene in the gas station with that old man is probably the most. It's he gives he gives me the creeps in a way that no one can do.
Call it Friendo.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Friendo, but it's also just that the performance of the man that was, you know, I mean, the guy was so good. If you really look at it, he's the actor.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, he's a character actor. I don't know who he is, but like,

Speaker 2 it's just so good. And his response.
Dude, have you seen this movie? No, you have to. That character right there is insane.
Go back real fast.

Speaker 2 I did, there's one more that I know you and I definitely have never seen is Chicago. I've never seen Chicago.
No, I've never seen the play or the fucking

Speaker 2 English patient, fantastic. Forrest Gump, very good.
Great movie. So, what's the repercussions of you failing your microbiology exam? Well, I have

Speaker 3 three more exams to go, and I have right now like a B minus.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're fine, dude. A B minus? Yeah.
I graduated high school with a C minus. You can, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's not good.

Speaker 3 Good? Even having a D.

Speaker 2 I mean, I was last in my class.

Speaker 2 We know. And you're first in our hearts.
Thank you. Well, so nothing you're learning, you're going to use in your fucking life anyway.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't say that totally. Are you biology? You're not going to be a biologist.

Speaker 3 Well, I'm taking fish classes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she wants to

Speaker 2 be marine biologist, perhaps. Maybe.
Yeah, if you said you wanted to work in the water, you definitely need to know that stuff. I thought you should just do animals.
Just be a vet or whatever.

Speaker 2 You would probably need to pass biology to be a vet.

Speaker 2 Oh, you do? Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's a a big deal. You need to know about amoebas?

Speaker 2 Wow. So I wonder what you would need to know.

Speaker 2 To be a vet and vet? I mean,

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, I'm dumb, but I'm dumb, dumb.

Speaker 2 Do you spend, like, doctor, eight years in medical school? To be a vet? Yeah. I don't know if it's a full eight.
I think it's six, though. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think it's six, which is a long fucking time.

Speaker 2 Four-year. Okay, so it's, oh, it is said eight years in total.
Typically takes about eight. Wow.
And then do you make a lot of money? I think vets make good money. Really?

Speaker 2 Well, I can tell you how much my fucking

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Speaker 2 I took my dog to the vet, and we don't have pet insurance, and it was an emergency because she was throwing up blood and shitting blood. And I had the worst panic, man.
I was so scared, so sad.

Speaker 2 Then we go there, and they take all these x-rays and stuff, and they're like, you know, this is not covered. And I said, we don't even have insurance.
She goes, okay, I just want to let you know.

Speaker 2 Comes back with the bill, and it's $1,500.

Speaker 2 Also, on top of that, she goes,

Speaker 2 Some of the the staff is a big fan. Can we take pictures of you?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I was like, my dog just shits blood.
At least a discount. No discount? No shit.
No, no discount. No picture discount.
Nothing. I was happily taking pictures.
Like, my dog pooping blood.

Speaker 2 And I'm taking photos. Wow.
I did the right thing.

Speaker 2 But I was also like, that's a little weird to ask me to take photos first thing in the morning when my dog is shitting blood and I'm a little worried.

Speaker 2 And you're like, can we get a picture for the studio for the office? I was like, sure.

Speaker 2 Is the blood thing taken care of? Is she still shitting fucking blood? Yeah. It was a little weird.
You know what?

Speaker 2 my thing is is whenever i'm in a fucking pet food store i hate it when these old white ladies they come in and they go what's the cheapest cat food you got dry

Speaker 2 right and i'm always like you know i mean i'm always like that's your fucking family member yeah that's the love of your life you know i mean well here's the deal it's an economic thing for some people right so some people can't afford to range what some people can't afford to level up it's hard yeah but it's just like the cheapest you don't walk in the cheapest well think about let's genuinely let's do this.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 In the scope of America, most people

Speaker 2 have to buy the cheapest gas, the cheapest groceries. Am I being arrogant? A little bit.
No, not arrogant, but you're being.

Speaker 2 Am I being? I think you're forgetting. Out of touch with reality here? A little bit.
I'm my dog, nice shit, too. Like, I think it's.
Yeah, but you live foolishly. You know, they're not.

Speaker 2 The gap between cheapest and average isn't that much. I agree with a dollar or two, right? I agree with you.
I agree.

Speaker 2 But I'm saying most Americans have to buy the cheapest gas, the cheapest food, the cheapest everything to get through

Speaker 2 their lives. Yeah, but it's just like...
We're blessed that you don't have to.

Speaker 2 I don't know, dude, because even when in my early 20s, I had two cats and I went to the pet food store and I got like, I had no money and I still went like, I'm not going to get the cheapest one.

Speaker 2 I know, you're talking. Because I want them to, you know what I mean, at least survive.
I agree, but I think most people can't. I think that's the bummer.
Don't they care?

Speaker 2 I think some people don't care. I think most people with pets give a fuck about their pets.
They love their pets. That's why there's like a, what's that place called that's near my old house?

Speaker 2 Just dog, just for dogs, just food for dogs.

Speaker 2 That shit's so expensive. I walked in there one time and I was like, this is fucking rude.
It was like a

Speaker 2 two-pound bag of food for like 80 bucks. I was like, what the fuck are you feeding? They're like, we hand-cut up filet.
Yeah, they do. That's crazy.
But no, it's not crazy. And let me say something.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 3 Bobby pays for the dogs.

Speaker 2 You do that? Yeah. That's so much money.
Well, it's my dogs, dude. I know, dude, but that's like an, that's an inflation.
If I go to fucking BLVD, right, or you know what I mean, or maestros, right?

Speaker 2 I'm gonna get my dog. Dude, I got

Speaker 2 to boo for my cats. That's fucking insane, right? And they didn't like it, so I'm like, I guess this isn't gonna be a thing.
You got the fanciest sushi in LA, or your cats.

Speaker 2 You cut up the salmon, too, and all that stuff, like really thin leg. Oh, maybe that'll work.
I put gravy on it, they don't like it. Crazy.
No, it's not crazy. No, no, it's crazy.

Speaker 2 It's funny, but it's insane. Well, I guess it's, you know, here's, and I'm going to cause a little controversy out here.
I might as well put my foot down. Okay.
And maybe

Speaker 2 some people, and I was going to say white people, but I'm not going to say that. I don't want to generalize, right? No, go ahead and do it.
Yeah, they view their animals as, you know,

Speaker 2 a lower family member. Not true.
Yeah. Don't generalize whites because I don't do that and he doesn't do that.
You know, but it's like. Don't do that to whites.

Speaker 2 Just people.

Speaker 2 How about this then? You want to take it there?

Speaker 2 That's why I brought it up, dude. Let's take it there.
No, let's take it there. Let's take it it there.
Let's generalize.

Speaker 2 Asians.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, Asians. You're going to do cat.
We eat them.

Speaker 2 Timeout.

Speaker 2 Don't go eat them. We don't eat them.
Really?

Speaker 2 I don't eat them.

Speaker 2 Then don't generalize all whites. Not in this American, maybe in some fucking remote village in Taipei or whatever.
Well, you're talking about a global population here, bro.

Speaker 2 Do Asians eat animals?

Speaker 2 No, you're going to do this again with the fucking slave, the Korean slave thing? No, do Asians? That's what you're trying to do. Get a moment.

Speaker 2 Rudy do people still eat dogs in the Philippines we talked about this before like rural rural thank you and yet it happens but we're still in that three-year grace period where it's legal to eat in South Korea they still haven't passed that bill so we did pass it congrats you fucking late 2024 2024 yeah yeah in three fucking years what about hey buddy I'll I'll I'll double down on you then give to me what about squirrels

Speaker 2 Yeah, some whites eat squirrels. Yeah, but snakes and shit.
How about this? Yeah, yeah. Then you get fucking.

Speaker 2 Have you even attempted to pass the fucking law to not eat squirrels? Those cute little critters from the

Speaker 2 friends. They're delicious.
You've never had one? Would you eat a squirrel? I think I would. 100%.
They're so good.

Speaker 2 Look at them right there. Ooh, is that a filet?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Look at them.
It's all dark meat. Yeah.
So good.

Speaker 2 So good. Oh, my God.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Look at that.
What I'm saying is that I don't know why you went from me, you know, spending a little bit more money for my cats to us eating dogs.

Speaker 2 You did it.

Speaker 2 I don't know how it went from one there to there look you can't generalize and say all whites exit i took it back already thank you i'll take mine back too then yeah but asians still eat dogs yeah and you guys eat squirrels yeah thank you okay but but but i know there's no people that have pets as squirrels

Speaker 2 oh there are who has a squirrel go to dodo go to dodo yeah where's that youtube

Speaker 2 And he has a squirrel?

Speaker 2 There's a lot of squirrel friends that the people have.

Speaker 2 In their home. In their home, Dead.
No, they keep them outside and they do them every day. In the home, then

Speaker 2 there we go that's a guy chilling on a kitchen table then look at that guy

Speaker 2 look at that dude look how fat he is too that looks like lunch to me i know what do they feed them like fancy nuts they might

Speaker 2 yeah but that like airwan nuts yeah but there's that there's a difference between like you know airplane nuts right and going to like a you know going to airwan or something and getting like

Speaker 2 organic nuts unsalted you know what i mean

Speaker 2 right i guess that's what i would do i would assume they go from come from the same farm and some of them are just packaged for airwan.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay. I don't know how they're packaged.
I don't know what the farm. Well, you know what? That's it.
Then we need to do bad friends visits a farm. We need to go visit a farm.
So we can find out.

Speaker 2 The point though being is boom. There's another one chilling watching fucking

Speaker 2 reality TV on a couch.

Speaker 2 Probably, you know, 90-day fiancé. Look at the fucking, look at them chilling.
He's watching Love is Blind. Yeah, Love is Blind.
Chilling there. He's so fat.
I know. They're so cute.
They are so cute.

Speaker 2 I know. No, look, okay, let's get back to you.

Speaker 2 I value my my pet the first thing the first person i kiss in my home when i walk i know i know you do because i know that you spent fifteen hundred dollars but there's a lot of people that are like at the vet like what how much it gonna cost well people some people can't afford it i'm lucky that i can afford well you know i'm lucky i'm lucky i'm lucky that i'm able to do that carlos's dog goes to the vet and it costs him two grand or something like that he's in some shit he's calling us would you pay it yeah of course he would there we go but he's scared yeah that's yeah i'm not i'm not saying the feeling behind it yeah it's gonna be a hit and it's gonna be fucking a bummer, but I'm just saying it's like

Speaker 2 well, it depends on what the like it's okay. Here's a here's here's one, all right.

Speaker 2 When you guys, when you guys the grapes, yeah, the grapes. I got a call like, oh, yeah, all the dogs are in the vet, right? And you got to help with the money, right? Because they all ate grapes?

Speaker 2 Yeah, so I go, they ate fucking grapes, like Roman emperors. What the fuck are you talking about? Right?

Speaker 2 And then nothing happened, but you guys, we had to spend thousands of dollars

Speaker 2 for what?

Speaker 2 Yeah, exactly. So what was that all about?

Speaker 3 The vet said that they were going to die.

Speaker 2 But why are you bringing the fucking dogs to the fucking vet? It's the first place.

Speaker 3 I called first, and they said, yeah, take the...

Speaker 2 You did one grape. No, it was three.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Amongst four dogs. They ate three grapes, and I get this call that's going to cost all this money.
I was like, what the fuck is going on here? So in that case, yes.

Speaker 2 I'd be like, ah, grapes, we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out.
Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute.
A bar of chocolate, I would would be like, let's just see, take it hour by hour. Can dogs not eat grapes?

Speaker 2 I do not know. I don't think it was grapes.
What was it? Grapes.

Speaker 2 The number of grapes can be lethal to a dog depends on the dog's weight, but the general rule of thumb is that one grape per 10 pounds of body weight is potentially dangerous. Why?

Speaker 2 Grapes and raisins cause acute kidney failure in dogs. What?

Speaker 2 I mean, my dog doesn't eat grapes. Now you know.
That's crazy. I don't know.
Now you know. I'm glad I know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, why are you fucking just free grapes laying on the ground?

Speaker 3 Because we were taking care of a crow.

Speaker 3 So we were feeding him grapes.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's right, the crow. Of course.

Speaker 2 You know what they did for me? I hope they got you a crow. No.
Oh, my God. I feel so bad about that.
I haven't even talked about this. About the little bird.
I'm in the backyard with Guner. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know. No, you don't.

Speaker 2 And I look, and there's a bird, a baby bird had fallen from the tree.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 And I look at Gunner, and Guner's just,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And I'm like, he's not going to. Oh, yeah.
And it goes up and just

Speaker 2 breaks its neck with his fucking jaw. Right.
And then I fucking grab Guner, bring him to the house. And now the fucking, you know what I mean? It's like the little bird's going,

Speaker 2 it was fucking insane, dude.

Speaker 2 Right. It was making these, right? And I'm, I call them.
They come over. And then I go, you got to keep this bird alive.

Speaker 2 Now I go, right?

Speaker 2 Please. His head is off.
I know. It was just like, you know, you know, and they came over, it died, right?

Speaker 3 It died three days after.

Speaker 2 Three days is pretty good, though. Yeah, but I tried everything.

Speaker 2 I tried everything. But we love

Speaker 2 our friends in the sky. That's my point.
But you can love the friends in the sky. You should have taken him out.
Three days of suffering. Yeah, you could have thrown him off the hill.
You drown him.

Speaker 2 What? Yeah, you drown him.

Speaker 2 No, I'm sorry. You drown him.

Speaker 2 Excuse me? You drown him. You take that bird, you go to your pool, and

Speaker 2 you drown him.

Speaker 2 Don't

Speaker 2 you? No, I'm kidding. That's insane.
You would do that. No, but my dog.
That's insane.

Speaker 2 My dog has come back with different rodency things or whatever. And I do, but you got it.

Speaker 2 You got to get rid of it. Because it's suffering.
It's crazy. It's awful when dogs do this.
It's a bummer, but when they're living... Those three days of the bird, it's like, fucking kill me.

Speaker 2 Oh, you fucking kill me. Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know birds, so I don't know.

Speaker 2 I have a few people. If I knew Bort, what? I do.
I mean, I went to college with four or five of them. Yeah, yeah.
But I still talk to one of them.

Speaker 2 But if there was like a 5% chance that it was just like, you know, a sprained neck or whatever, right? That's why I called. Because the worst would be like, I'll just leave it there.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then day three, I go back there and he's still, you know what I mean? That would have been bad. That's true.
He was spiralized after that. You guys, little bird wheelchair.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Little bird wheelchair. You know, it's so funny, Andreas, you're trying to make fun of me.
Like,

Speaker 2 I have empathy for the little creatures in the world.

Speaker 2 You know what movie makes me really sad?

Speaker 2 What part? In Raising Arizona. When one of my favorite movies of all time.
Me too. And when that, you you know, the bad biker.
Yes. Right.
And he shoots that lizard.

Speaker 2 I don't know why. Even as a young man, I went, oh.
You know what else it is? That actor. Yeah.
That guy.

Speaker 2 He's so good. And you believe how he's so mean in his heart.

Speaker 2 And the music is so powerful. Yeah.
God, that movie was. If you haven't seen that movie.
Couldn't recommend it more. It's one, it's because it's...
Cohen Brothers Finest. It does two things, okay?

Speaker 2 And the same year they did this, there's two movies that are my favorite movies, is this and also Evil Dead 2?

Speaker 2 Those two movies are just masterpieces.

Speaker 2 89? 88. Yeah, this movie is so fucking good.
And the beauty, her name is Ed, is one of the funniest things on earth. He falls in love with a woman.
Holly Hunter kills that movie.

Speaker 2 Because Ed is such a beautiful, like, guy, guys, name. Look at Nicholas Cage, how young.
You know the concept of this movie?

Speaker 2 They can't have a child, and so they decide they're going to steal someone's baby who's an embarrassment of riches. Yeah.
It's fucking great. It's a comedy, though.

Speaker 2 Especially when Nicholas, when Nicholas Cage goes up with the ladder into the fucking baby's room. And Nathan Arizona's house? Yeah, Nathan Arizona's house.

Speaker 2 And there's that five-minute montage of him trying to handle the babies. Yeah.
It's so cleverly done. It's so cute.
It's so good. It's such a good scene.

Speaker 2 There's another scene where he runs into his bedroom, right? Because he has to. I forget what he has to do.
And he sees a Playboy magazine on his bed and he puts it underneath a thing.

Speaker 2 And then he walks away and then he comes back and looks at the Playboy and then puts it back in there

Speaker 2 because he needs one more look. It's like those little things that makes that movie so special.
That's such a great

Speaker 2 movie. You got to watch that, okay? But you should be studying for your test before you watch another movie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So can we get you through school first? Yeah.
Yeah, please.

Speaker 2 Because I don't want you to fail after all the work you put in.

Speaker 2 When you think about it, she started this show as a senior in high school. I can't believe it.
And now you're graduating college. That's so incredible.

Speaker 2 It really makes me sad. It makes me sad too.
Because we're closer to death. That's all that you and I are doing.
Do you really think of that? We're crawling towards death. There's death.

Speaker 2 Hey, we're on our way.

Speaker 2 And she's about to just grow into a fun adult life of fun and freedom. But you know who my fucking guy is? I look at to make me feel more like he's like sort of like, if he dies, I'm fucked.

Speaker 2 Because he's a little ahead of me. In the comedy scene? Yeah, yeah.
He's a little ahead of me. I see him all the time.
Marin? No. And I look at him.
No, it's like, no, smaller. Smaller.
Tinier person?

Speaker 2 Than Marin, yeah. Brad Williams? No, in between.
Think in between.

Speaker 2 Cold? Gold hot. Also, I'm older than Brad.
It's a guy that's older than me. Oh, no, you're not.
I am. No, little people are a thousand years old.
He's been living forever. He's lived seven lifetimes.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, we have no idea how old they are.
You have to cut them in half and count their rings. I know.

Speaker 2 Yesterday, I saw Brad, and I said a couple of things, some dwarf jokes in the green room, and I don't think it went over well in the room. He's our boy.
I go, I just walked into the restaurant.

Speaker 2 I go, how's the carnival? I don't know why I said that.

Speaker 2 And then for some reason, everyone was in there. I go, oh, they love candy corn.
I don't even know if that's a fact.

Speaker 2 They do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But my point is, I always keep it popping. It's David Spade.
Oh, Spade. So when I see Spade, because he's like five years older than me,

Speaker 2 and he looks good. He does.
So I just go, oh, he looks good. So I'm going to worry when he doesn't look good.
Well, here's the problem. This isn't apples to apples.
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Don't do this. It's like, this is a zucchini to pair.

Speaker 2 Don't do this right. No, because.
Don't do this right. Well, he takes care of himself.

Speaker 2 He exercises. I went hiking yesterday for so long.
No way. Oh, yeah.
No fucking way. Yeah, so so long.
With whom? By myself. In the dark.
Where? In the dark? Yeah, the one by our house. No proof.

Speaker 2 And this time, you know where I go? No proof. There's a marker that I have.

Speaker 2 You know, there's a first bench on that. Yeah.
Now we go double that. Can I ask you something?

Speaker 2 That's so scary. Can I recommend something as a friend? Please don't hike in the dark.

Speaker 2 If you fall or slip or something bad happens, who the fuck is going to get you?

Speaker 2 That's the thing I want. Oh, you want to go? Yeah, yeah.
I'd rather you not. Yeah.
The only thing that I'm worried about is bobcats

Speaker 2 yeah dude yeah i mean i mean weird people or yeah what about weirdos what about some guy that's waiting to fucking kill you oh yeah i mean please please don't hike at night why there's other there's people families at night oh i see them with the flashlights i've seen alpha dog i know what happens when you hike at night you end up in a pit great movie wow please don't hike at night okay

Speaker 2 i'm concerned for your well-being but do you want to hike during the day with me i would love to go hiking i'd love to

Speaker 2 there's a hiking hill right by our houses. That's the one I went to last night.
Well, let's go. I kind of want to do it solo because I'll tell you why.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you why? Can I tell you why, though?

Speaker 2 Can I tell you why? Yes. It's pace.

Speaker 2 Oh. You know what I mean? I understand.
Yeah, I put my hands behind my back like an old Korean man. I do that.
And I kind of mosey up there with music. Shuffle would be the word.

Speaker 2 I shuffle up there with music. Yeah.
And I go as long as I can, and I come back down. I appreciate that.
I respect that. I would love to hike with you, but I totally understand that.
That's fine.

Speaker 2 Is there a gym by your house? Because I want to join a gym. Right down the street from you, there's a gym.
What's it called? Equinox.

Speaker 2 Well, Equinox. You know.

Speaker 2 It's two miles from your home. Yeah.
That's right down the road. You want to be able to walk to the gym? Yeah, because remember Dove Davidoff used to go to the one in Hollywood on La Brea.

Speaker 2 It's like that 24-hour boxing gym. Oh, right.
I used to go there. I used to like it then.
Well, that's way far. That's way farther.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying I want something that's grungy because it's very rocky-like. You want something dirty.
Well, it's nowhere near your home. You'll have to go somewhere far away.
Okay. You know what?

Speaker 2 There's an old saying, and it's from a sitcom.

Speaker 2 There's an old saying, it's from a sitcom. It's called Different Strokes.
You know what I mean? What you talking about? Willis. Willis.
Right. What you talking about, Willis? Right?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's what I want to say to you, dude.

Speaker 2 That was the wrong sitcom line. It really was.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was trying to.
You know what? I got it, Bob. I got you.

Speaker 2 There is an old sitcom line that you should, that speaks exactly to you about what we're talking about. Dynamite.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. No, definitely not.

Speaker 2 That's not it? No, there is an old one that I got to tell you. It's perfect for this, to fucking teach you about this world.
Give it to this. Give it to her, dude.
Did I do that?

Speaker 2 Perfect. Wait,

Speaker 2 what sitcom is that? Family Matters. That's fucking

Speaker 2 circle. That's one of his catchphrases? Did I do that? I don't know if that is.
What? Are you in? Did I do that? Did I do that? Is that what you've heard of that? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 Where did you fucking grow up? You don't know, did I do that? I never saw that one. Steve Urkel.

Speaker 2 Dude, did I know that? Yeah, even the Spaniard fucking knows that. You're not the Google.
I believe you. But you made me think that I'm wrong.

Speaker 2 Did I do that? Did I do that? I've met him a couple of times. Jalil White.
I like him a lot. Yeah.
He's a sweet kid. I've heard he's great.
He's a nice guy. Did I do that?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he would break something. Oh, I see.
I remember. He's fantastic.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There he is.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 By the way, this is a character that I'm sure in this day and age, they would be like, it just feels like we're targeting a type of person. Right?

Speaker 2 If you wrote that character on a TV show, they'd be like, I don't know if we can do that. There's no way.
Isn't that fucking wild? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, he used to call me at three in the morning randomly back in the day when I lived on Beachwood before I met Kalila. Roughly.
At three in the morning. No, it's a sitcom guy.

Speaker 2 You're not going to believe it.

Speaker 2 Hold on. Hold on.
And he'd always ask me, Amen, I'm in town. What are you doing?

Speaker 2 I'm sleeping

Speaker 2 by the sound of it.

Speaker 2 man

Speaker 2 hey it's me

Speaker 2 yeah uh hold up hey yeah right and let me do it together yeah too bad about gary gary coleman he passed away i'm the only one left

Speaker 2 well it's got to be a small black guy yeah yeah yeah you got it bud go towards the light

Speaker 2 emmanuel lewis yeah yes got it webster yes webster i could this dude it's so funny i saw him he used to call you at three in the morning with amen

Speaker 2 yeah Hey, it's me. What you doing? E-Dog.
It's like,

Speaker 2 he would go, yeah, he'd go, meet me at, he'd go, meet me at Fred62's. I love that cafe.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd be like, no, dude.
Why not? Never hung out with him once. Like, I read this thing.

Speaker 2 This was fucking insane. It's supposed to, it really does, dude.
You should try this. This is a trick.
I know, I know, I know. No, no, this is a trick I'm trying to do is

Speaker 2 this. When you wake up in the morning,

Speaker 2 instead of brushing your teeth with your right hand, do it with your left.

Speaker 2 And then when you get in the the shower, instead of doing your normal shower routine, like, what's the first thing you wash in the shower? My back. Right.

Speaker 2 So instead of doing your back, do your feet first and then do your face. And like, switch up the order.
Why are you laughing at back? That's just weird. No, it's not.
No, it's not.

Speaker 2 You're fucking weird. What do you do? Do you go head first? No, everybody does it differently.
Head is last. No.
What? Heads last. I actually agree.
I do.

Speaker 2 I do head and face last. Yeah, yeah.
No, here's the order. I do my butthole for 20 minutes.
I'll literally tell you my order, okay? So I'll take, you know,

Speaker 2 we've already established that that plastic thing I had is a cloth.

Speaker 2 We already established that on this podcast. Sure.
Right. So I do, I pull that out, right? I put two different

Speaker 2 body

Speaker 2 wash on it. Right.
From two different brands. One of them, probably like, you know, something that's like an axe, some bat bullshit one, but then I'll put an organic, like fancy one.

Speaker 2 So you'll feed your dogs high-end food, but you're using axe on your body? No, I put axe, but I put, then I put a high-end one that I got at a boutique place. Ooh.
Yeah, so I'll combo it up.

Speaker 2 Upstairs, downstairs. Yeah, then I put it in a sud.
Then I do that. I do it back first.
Back, back, arms, arms, chest, right? Then in between the sacks, scrub hard. What do you mean, sacks?

Speaker 2 This is singular.

Speaker 2 You have more than one sack. What? The sack.

Speaker 2 Either, oh, I got two sacks. I had two sacks, right? Legs.
And then what I do is rinse. Yeah.
And then I do face with my face wash. Right.
And then I do hair and then I'm done. I get that.

Speaker 2 What do you do? I first get in there and I lube up the loofah. I've got my nice little loofah.
How How do you get your back with a loofah? What do you mean it's got a, it's on a stick. Oh!

Speaker 2 You don't have a loofah stick? No. Oh, it's fantastic.
It's actually my favorite because after you're done loofing, you can flip the stick around and foot it right up your ass. Yeah.
Love.

Speaker 2 You don't do that? You don't do a little rabbit? Yeah, with a loofah stick, though, because I got one on the road.

Speaker 2 You can't get the real, like with the fucking one I have, you can really grind out your back. I don't need to.
Rub it deep into the back. Yeah, I don't know if I need to.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Because I get a massage for that.

Speaker 2 It's just like deep skin. It It has to do with muscles.
But how this skin is never exposed to almost anything on your back. You don't really need to exfoliate your back.
Oh, that's true. That's true.

Speaker 2 What's exposed? So I do the loofah. I loofah.
I do sand angels on the

Speaker 2 beach.

Speaker 2 I loofah. I get the loofah ready and I do chest, neck, and back first.
You've got great combo. Pitsy, pitsy, pitsy, pitsy.
Yeah. Then I go down to legs and featsies.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I put the loofah down and I.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get a lot, I love a lot, yeah, and I slap it boom right in my peppito, and I

Speaker 2 and then I get underneath to my nifkin in my butthole, and I

Speaker 2 really work this area, I really clean my butthole, my wiener.

Speaker 2 Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 I'm just gonna see how much you do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 that's a lot, that's a lot, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 and then finally i finish with the top half with face and hair yeah that's the last jewel i just do hair shampoo conditioner and then body and then face and then brush my teeth and then that's it oh actually you know what i lied i the very first thing i do is brush my teeth in the shower you brush your teeth in the shower yeah yeah me too i don't do any of it you've never brushed your teeth no let me see looks fine yeah Do it, let's get a hands.

Speaker 2 Who brushes their teeth in the shower? Oh, wow. Not me.

Speaker 2 See, some people don't like it i i don't like it's perfect i'm already there it's it's it's like you know let me say honestly it's like playing basketball on ice how it just that doesn't belong there but you pee in the shower no no time yeah i pee i pee i don't care stop stop stop yeah yeah yeah i pee in the shower too he poops in the shower I don't poo in the shower.

Speaker 2 That's insane. We did a whole episode about it.
You smooshed the poop down the drain. You talked about it.
Yeah. One time.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's it. One fucking time.
That's when I got fucking. One time.
One time, too many times. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. No,

Speaker 2 one time, too many times. One time.
You pooed it a month ago. You've done it more than one.
You pooed in the shower? Yeah, I had to go. Exactly.
That's a good one. Piarrhea.
Yeah, there you go.

Speaker 2 But you've done it often? Yeah, I'm not. I don't shame Carlos for doing that.
I get it. No, you should.
Okay. You do not poop in the shower.
Do not poop in the shower. You do what you need to do.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Thank you.
Because then the water, it's going to smell. You're going to.
Okay, because I need a mirror when I brush my teeth. What are you looking at? So you can go.

Speaker 2 You have to, Dave. I have my phone.

Speaker 2 I need to go. Yeah, yeah.
I have my phone. I just don't, I feel it.

Speaker 2 It doesn't belong there. I get this.
People say this, but I think it does because it's the first thing I like to do. It's warm.
The water on your back is so warm and you're brushing under the warmth.

Speaker 2 It's just, it's a perfect combination. It just seems like you're doing your taxes in the water.
It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 2 Like you're

Speaker 2 with a calculator.

Speaker 2 Appicus, whatever. So hygienically, you're cleaning your body and then also cleaning your mouth doesn't belong in the cleaning, in the cleaning.
Maybe you're right. But

Speaker 2 I wouldn't ever do it. I think you should, will you try it? Okay.
Please.

Speaker 2 Unfortunately, I want to know how Andres does his, but I know it's going to be fucking really weird and annoying.

Speaker 2 How do you do your shower?

Speaker 2 It's like north to south. You start up top and go down.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Always. Always.
All right, so everybody, okay, Carlos, what's your shower routine?

Speaker 2 It's a lot like Rudy's, actually. Well, you like baths, right? Because you like to have the water on your clit.

Speaker 2 I do like baths, actually. I love baths too.
Me too. Who doesn't? They're fucking amazing.
But he lets the water rush on his little clit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 In terms of baths, what you got me for my birthday. Was it bad? No, it's not that bad.
It's just like, I don't know what the point is. I don't even know what to do.
She gives me like bath salts.

Speaker 2 No, it was flowers. Like full-blown petals.
Oh, no, it's actually the aromatics. It's good for you.
Really? Supposed to calm you down. Yeah, it's really good.
But then I got to pick all the shit up.

Speaker 2 You have someone clean your fucking house for you. You don't do that.

Speaker 2 She's right there.

Speaker 2 She gave herself garbage. Yeah, when's the last time you cleaned my house? Months.
Months. Yeah.
Get back to it. It's too much.
It's too much. Is it? I got a new person.
You did? Yeah.

Speaker 2 One person or more than one? It's a cabal of Hispanics. It's a cabal.
A cabal of Hispanics. Wow.
Just one pickup truck, 35 Hispanics. And they're amazing.
Yeah. Yeah.
Where did you find these people?

Speaker 2 Through my friend. Why?

Speaker 2 Because what if I need somebody? It's through Gilbert. Gilbert.
She's great. Okay.
Yeah. I have a woman that I'm dearly, dearly in love with.
Well, then why'd you ask me?

Speaker 2 In case she doesn't want to do it anymore. What if she stops one day? Yeah.
She's incredible. Dude, this woman is so fucking beautiful and nice.

Speaker 2 She really, I'm not, I'm not, I'm actually not even making a comedy joke right now. Yeah.
She's such a fucking lovely person. Her heart is so beautiful.

Speaker 2 She walks in the door and sits and plays with the dog before. She's like, my friend, my friend.
And she'll like sing to the dog and sit and play with the dog.

Speaker 2 It like makes my soul so happy when I see her. And she's always in a good mood.
And I've told her multiple times.

Speaker 2 I've said, you know, if you want me to get you food or you want to eat or whatever, anything in the house you can have, always.

Speaker 2 Anything. I've never seen her eat.
I've never seen her drink water. She's never gone to the bathroom.

Speaker 2 Never. I'm always like, you know, you can have any of the food in the fridge.
You can do anything you want. She's like, no.

Speaker 2 Okay. No, it's okay.
But do you do the Bobby Lee test of deception?

Speaker 2 I leave money all over the place. That's what I do.
Yeah. I leave thousands and thousands of dollars deception.

Speaker 2 And what I do is I leave random money, tens, twenties, sometimes a hundred in places to see if they take.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And they never take.
They never take. That's the test.
Because if they take, I fire. You kill.

Speaker 2 You don't kill. But do you do that? Well, I went to a jewelry store.
I got a bunch of loose diamonds. That's what you have to do.
And I'll just put diamonds all over.

Speaker 2 That's insane. No, but she's so, it's like, she's so honest.
If she did take from me, I don't care.

Speaker 2 She's such a good person.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 If I caught her and she was like, I steal this. And I'd be okay well i say if you when you're cleaning and you saw like a random dollar bill you would in your head go oh that's a test of deception

Speaker 2 right you would pass this test recently i'm proud to say what happened i was at mercedes and there was a five dollar bill on the bench and i just took a picture of it and i didn't take it okay this is not the same scenario you're an idiot you should have taken the five dollar bill really what the in the wild the wild is fine in the wild yes money in the wild i thought i was being filmed or something for what yeah streamer plane oh, yeah, sometimes they do that right I know but what would be the you picked up a random file was there anybody around you no one that's your money I left okay, have you seen these

Speaker 2 Carlos have you seen these okay where they like they'll have like um a little girl like on a bench Oh, yeah, I hate that Okay, so whatever they're tests of trust I hate them right where it's like you know um Like a woman will be sitting there, right, who's like a you know a plant

Speaker 2 right and then some guy will hit on her right and some strangers hey whoa whoa whoa i'm so grateful i'm not in that yeah because i don't think you'd i don't know i think i would fail you'd walk away i would just be like oh that's weird you know then i walk away or if a little girl comes excuse me sir i don't have any water and i'd be like oh you do him when you

Speaker 2 get the fuck away

Speaker 2 yeah you're done yeah yeah no those tests what would you do that's the name of the show yeah it's called john john John Kinonis. What would you do, right? Isn't that what it's called?

Speaker 2 What would you do? Yeah. What would you do? If I saw that, yeah, that's what it's called.
What would you do? Yeah, that's what it is. Literally the show we're talking about.
What would you do?

Speaker 2 Honestly, I'm so aloof in public. Me too.
I'm probably just walking by. Yeah, I don't know.
I'm not going to stay there and take care of it. Is there anything that you,

Speaker 2 a punk that you did that was like, that aired, that went crazy?

Speaker 2 Is there a punk that I did that went, I mean, you mean like what, like it did well? I don't know. Yeah, but that was like like they were mad, like super

Speaker 2 mad or I mean, no, I don't think there was anything that we did that

Speaker 2 like everything that aired kind of went.

Speaker 2 I will say, oh, there were, no, that's not true. There's so many lives you've lived.
There's one, there's one that we did in the hills, and I don't remember who it was, and it was a bad idea.

Speaker 2 I don't remember the girl. I don't remember.
We were in the hills, and

Speaker 2 I was pretending like I was lost, and they were house sitting. And I pretended like I was a guy who was just like lost in the hills, and my car died.

Speaker 2 And somehow we figured out a way to get me inside of the home.

Speaker 2 And this woman thought she was like trapped with the hitchhike killer or something like that. Oh, wow.
It was fucked. It was such a bad bit.
It was so stupid and so overblown.

Speaker 2 This woman was on the phone with her mother, like just bawling, crying. And they never aired that either.
No, it did not air that. We aired that one.
No, no, no. No, no.

Speaker 2 No, I mean, the Arab ones were, you know, like Efron hitting an old woman. We hit an old woman with a car, a stunt woman.
Oh, you was Zach Ephron then? That's the first time I met him. Wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was the first time I met that guy. Anyway.
Deep Hollywood connections.

Speaker 2 Well, first of all, I was a kid.

Speaker 2 First of all, I was a kid. I was an actor on punk that no one knew, and people still didn't know that I did that.
I remember you then. And I got paid like fucking $40 an hour.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I was a remember, this guy's on the rise. You know what's so funny? Here I am shooting punked.
No, no, listen how funny this is.

Speaker 2 Here I am shooting punked, shooting a TV show, writing it and being an actor in it. Yeah.
Working at the studio. And I was worried about rent every month.
That's insane. I was so worried.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 There was a month that I almost didn't pay rent. Yeah.
Because I got paid so little money from the show. Would you make a week?

Speaker 2 It wasn't a week. It was an episode.
You got paid an episode. How much did you get an episode?

Speaker 2 I think it was $1,500, something like that, an episode. Yeah, but then with taxes and all that stuff, you're ready.
Yeah, I had to pay my agent, my lawyer. Yeah, $700.
Yeah, $800, $700.

Speaker 2 So, how many episodes did you do a month? Oh, no, it was not a month. In total, we only did 10 or 11.
I don't even know what we did. And that was your only income.

Speaker 2 I was forced to work for the studio full-time. Like,

Speaker 2 I got put in that system and I was working for the studio. Wow.
Yeah. Like, I was writing for them and all that stuff.
And I was, yeah. You got ripped off.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we got cooked. So those guys were making millions of dollars.
We were fucking, I mean, that's Hollywood and Jet. That's, that's what they do.
My Mad TV was $4,500 a week. That's great.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's really good money. But you only got four the first year.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Oh, only got four. Four episodes.
Okay. And then you can't do anything else.
Yeah, and they hold you. So then you're like, what? Oh, my God.
Dad, those fucking.

Speaker 2 It's weird to be on TV. Yeah.
And people from home being like, dude, you're on TV. I know.

Speaker 2 And you're like,

Speaker 2 I can't pay rent. Do anything.
It's fucked. The business is fucked.
That's why. You're still eating at Arby's and like...
Arby's. What are you, rich? I know, I know.
I was eating Arby's. Exactly.

Speaker 2 Maybe out of the trash can behind the Arby's. Yeah, Mill at the comedy store.
Have you guys got any beef you're throwing away?

Speaker 2 Beans aren't toastless video.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But now at the comedy store, they're like, dude, congratulations.
You're like, yeah, I'm making less money than I than I was before.

Speaker 2 No, dude, are you kidding me? Free meals at comedy clubs. Oh, my God.
When they were like,

Speaker 2 when I would go and play those clubs, I'd be like, hey, can we get lunch and dinner here? Yeah. And they were like, what? Why? I'm like,

Speaker 2 pay for it. And I played it right.
I remember the first year

Speaker 2 I got on it with, I don't know if she said her, I can't say her name, but a Hispanic girl. We all know her, I think.

Speaker 2 Right. And so there was like...

Speaker 2 A couple of weeks where we weren't in anything. Didn't make a sketch.
Not a single sketch. Right.
And all the the white new dudes, people were getting everything.

Speaker 2 White new dudes. Yeah.
And then, so I remember her coming into my dressing room crying. And she goes, this is fucked up.
I go, what is it?

Speaker 2 And she's like, well, I mean, you're Asian, I'm Hispanic, and we're not going to hear it. Right.
I'm going to go to the president of the, you know, of the company. Fox?

Speaker 2 No, of the show, the guy that owns the show. Oh, right.
Who's like this old Hollywood mogul, right? I can say his name. He's a great guy, David Salzman.
Okay.

Speaker 2 This just old, he did Dallas and Judge judy i mean this is an old guy right and i i grab her by the wrist i go please don't

Speaker 2 i go and i go and if you do leave my name out of it we will be fired yeah yeah yeah and she's like no i'm making a stink this is bullshit she goes knocks on his door and just went into a cry fest right

Speaker 2 two weeks later i never saw her again you got fired yeah yeah that's what happens and i was in nothing and I just

Speaker 2 you know my fingers on the fucking dressing room wall yeah just hanging. Bobby? Yes.
They're taking my ankle, trying to get me out. I'm like, I'm not leaving.
Right.

Speaker 2 And that's, I, that's, I think that was the right, right, right move. It took years for me to get anything really legitimate, but I just, I could barely make every, but you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 But you didn't get fired. You got to play it smart, though.
You didn't get fired. Yeah.
And you got

Speaker 2 to play it smart. Yeah.
Something that you don't, you, but she doesn't have to. With her generation, she can do whatever she wants.
Can I tell you another story about it? I have to tell you this. So

Speaker 2 I'm not going to name any names, but

Speaker 2 there was another female comic from the store

Speaker 2 that was going to test for Mad TV. Whitney.
No, I can't tell you. Okay.
Right.

Speaker 2 And so we were, I remember seeing her and I go, oh, so

Speaker 2 you're nervous about the test? Yeah. And she goes, I ain't doing it.

Speaker 2 And I go, why? She goes, I need 10 grand. To test? I need 10 grand.
Because, you know, you negotiate. Yeah, I know.
Was she famous already? No. Oh.
She was just the same comic guy I was. Sure.
Nobody.

Speaker 2 Right. And I go, you're asking for 10,000 an epiphane? Because the initial thing is 4,500, right?

Speaker 2 And she goes, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I go, oh, I'm testing. I don't care.
They could give me peanuts. Yeah.
I'm fucking testing. Airwan peanuts, though.
Right. Yeah.
And then, so five years after that, I was at a restaurant.

Speaker 2 She served you. Yeah.
Oh. And you know what she said to me?

Speaker 2 She goes, I should have taken the 4,500. Oh, my God.
That hurts my heart.

Speaker 2 And I swear to God, and I was like, my heart cracked. You stiffed her on the tip.
I go, yeah, but hey, dude, can I get the fucking ketchup?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? You guys have hot sauce. I asked you for the hot sauce.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, that's awful.
And she never worked again. Never saw her again.
My God.

Speaker 2 She should have taken it. Yeah.
She would have killed it on that show.

Speaker 2 We need to figure out a way to have Rudy get her act together so we don't have

Speaker 2 a failure on our hands. Oh, that's the

Speaker 2 lesson.

Speaker 2 Did you hear the lessons today?

Speaker 3 Yeah. I'm scared.

Speaker 2 No, no. You don't have to be scared.
You have to make the right decision. No, you should be scared.

Speaker 3 But how do you know that you're making the right decisions?

Speaker 2 Fuck, that's a good question. That is a very good question.

Speaker 2 I actually don't know. Well, I mean, the opportunities that you get

Speaker 2 seize them. You seize them.

Speaker 2 You don't go against them.

Speaker 2 Because I really honestly believe that one day, and don't give me that face. Don't give them that face.

Speaker 2 Yeah, one day you're going to look back at certain times in your life, you're going to go, oh, I didn't see it for what it was. And say that to all of our fans, too.

Speaker 2 Sometimes it's like, if it's right there in front of you,

Speaker 2 the worst that can happen is that it just doesn't work the way you think, but you got to keep trying it. Like, for instance, if you,

Speaker 2 if Seven Eckies wanted to do a podcast with you individually, and you know what I mean, and they go, you want to try it? Right? I think your instinct would be, no, I don't want to do it, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Well, then don't, but I think you'd regret it.
Because

Speaker 2 the fire is hot now. Right.

Speaker 2 It won't be 10 years from now. If you try it and it doesn't work, all that, all that happened was it didn't work.
It doesn't matter. You don't lose, you know? It just didn't work.

Speaker 2 Because in this moment in your life, you can make as much money as you can. And then, you know, later, you know, have a little savings or whatever.
But

Speaker 2 I honestly believe that, you know,

Speaker 2 life is hard. Yeah.
And it's hard out there to make a living. And we've seen people struggle.
And it's like, you know, I feel like I've, and me and Andrew both have made

Speaker 2 decisions that were like, at the end of the day, you know, beneficial. Well, and I made some failures.
I did a lot of failures. Me too, me too.

Speaker 2 I mean, most of the things I did was a, was not a failure. Most of the things I did didn't work out the way I thought they might have worked out.

Speaker 2 Bad sitcoms, bad, bad, bad scripts and testing, and it doesn't work. It just didn't work.
And then you go, go, go until it works, but not seizing the opportunity is tough. And we want you to win.

Speaker 2 All we care about is you winning.

Speaker 3 I think I am more open, though.

Speaker 2 I know you are. Ten times more.
I think you've grown so much on this show.

Speaker 2 It is crazy. So much.
Well, end the show. Tell them goodbye.

Speaker 3 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Fantastic.