Big Head, Little Body w/ Chris Distefano

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 3 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. You like to do Batminton? No.
Okay. But no, probably football.
American football. Yeah, baseball.
Baseball, basketball. Yes.
That's your thing. Yeah, not hockey.

Speaker 2 I don't really do hockey. Yeah, I don't do hockey either.
I only do soccer.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and you know why? Because I'm uh because you have little feet.

Speaker 2 dude, you want to tell Zlotim Ibervimovich that he has little feet, dude? I will tell him that, dude, dude, he's got six foot nine feet, dude. Yeah, he's a big mother.
He's a big guy.

Speaker 2 He's not six foot nine, but he's tall. Do you know him? No, dude, if I saw him, I would melt.
Really? Yeah, I would be like, oh,

Speaker 2 I don't know what to say to you.

Speaker 2 You're from Sweden. You think you would go back, you would get knocked back into Korea? What do you mean? Like Korean accent? You would say, I don't know what his idiot.

Speaker 2 Yeah, whenever I'm around to celebrate, I go back to, you know,

Speaker 2 Korean guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you look good. I saw you yesterday.
Joe Joe Mon. I'm sorry,

Speaker 2 you didn't text me. Oh, no, no, I tell you what you did last day.
It was bullshit. Tell them what

Speaker 2 out of pocket and insincere and deceptive and creating chaos within my own life. Yes.
Right? And I don't like it.

Speaker 2 And I don't like it when you come into town and you create chaos. Yeah.
And with your diabolic, if you don't get me one, dude. Chrissy Chaos.
Thank you, dude. I got you one.

Speaker 2 I got you pecan this new like hot garlic. It looks like all cream, dude.
It's going to be great.

Speaker 2 I'm lactose intolerant, though?

Speaker 2 You still drink lactose. Thank you.

Speaker 2 It's going to be good. It's all cream, dude.
I like Carlos.

Speaker 2 Carlos is in good shape on top. He's got a chubby little butt.
Dude, he's not a chubby to butt. It's a Brazilian butt situation.

Speaker 2 You know what? Carlos has got a butt like a toddler butt.

Speaker 2 I've never seen a toddler's butt, but I'm taking your way. If I pulled out a picture of my three-year-old's butt and Carlos, you wouldn't know which one is.
It's just that. It's just.

Speaker 2 How many kids you have again? Three kids. Three kids.
Yeah. Is one of the butts of your kids not good? What? My,

Speaker 2 my, no, they all got good butts. From you.
Yeah. No, no, no, from their mom.

Speaker 2 Their mom has a really good butt. And all my kids were born with tattooed lips on their ass cheeks.

Speaker 2 Ooh. You like that? Do you request that?

Speaker 2 Is that genetics? It's genetics. Whoa.

Speaker 2 Can we go back to last night? Yeah, let's go back. So I'm at the improv.
I'm sitting there with some people, a couple of girls, some guys. My agents are there too.
Oh, really? Their assistants, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And you come up from behind, and then you kiss me on the cheek, and then you try to kiss me on the lips, and then you just kind of leave, right?

Speaker 2 And I had to explain, it took about 20 minutes to tell people that we're not gay lovers.

Speaker 2 I go, no, dude, I'm not gay. They're like, dude, that seemed like super intimate.
And like, you're going to see your husband later. Tonight, I go, he just does that.
We just do that.

Speaker 2 And I just, next time you do that in front of strangers,

Speaker 2 you need to explain to people that this is not just a heterosexual fucking thing.

Speaker 2 But then I said, but then I said to you, but then i said to you because you told me you were sad and then i and then i what i did was when i was kissing you and then i slapped you a little bit and i felt like i slapped you too hard no it wasn't her hard because i wrote to you and you never wrote back i said sorry that last slap was unintentionally too hard no i know that that's something i was mad at the slap i said i love you it's the kisses that call me if you ever want to talk yeah yeah and then i said i prefer slaps and kisses

Speaker 2 but okay but i just because i felt like you know like we have a thing where you know because i kissed you once on the head because i really missed you and then i liked the way it felt, so I kissed you more.

Speaker 2 And that's what it was. Yeah, yeah, I know, but just kiss me once.

Speaker 2 Even the king gets kissed on the cheek once. One time.

Speaker 2 I mean, if as a peasant, if I got to kiss the king,

Speaker 2 I'd want to kiss him more. Yeah.
But I would only kiss him once.

Speaker 2 And then I kissed, and then you were sweating, was warm out yesterday, and then I tasted cabbage on my lips for the whole rest of the night. Yeah, yeah, pickled cabbage.
Kimchi Joke. Kimchi Joke.

Speaker 2 That was a really good joke. Thank you.
Yeah, yeah. Because most people just said kimchi, but I want to go to the root.
Yeah. Jamon.
You know what Jamon is? Jamon is, let me guess. J-O-M-O-N.
Jamong.

Speaker 2 Jamong is.

Speaker 2 It's not a black guy's name.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 ice cream.

Speaker 2 What? Jamon!

Speaker 2 Jamong?

Speaker 2 Pickled cabbage sliced up in a pan with egg. Then you put it with egg and grated cheese.
Then you mix it in to dough and you kind of make like a healthier bread. That's just

Speaker 2 food. Oh, Jamon.
Jamon Jackson.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's one of the no, Jamon Waynes. It's the 12th Waynes brother.
What is Jamon? What is Jamon? Well, I found out that Jamon's were the Koreans before the Koreans and Japanese before the Japanese.

Speaker 2 Really? And

Speaker 2 they didn't look Asian. So how did the fuck happen?

Speaker 2 They kind of looked like,

Speaker 2 let me guess. Like Chris O'Donnell or

Speaker 2 Robin from Batman and Robin Chris O'Neill. He's gay, right? What? Chris O'Donnell is gay.

Speaker 2 Why? He was gay in the movie. Well, Robin is gay.
That was the gayest movie. Yeah.
Robin is gay. Yeah, yeah.
I don't think... Is Robin gay?

Speaker 2 I so because he's wearing pink and yellow and stuff i mean red and yellow he's kind of gay he's just kind of like a sidekick kind of gay well robin's a gay bird right they should have picked a different they should have picked a different bird like what's like what's a good one bird of paradise yeah or like a seagull go more gay go more gay yeah yeah a seagull look at don's gay right don de pettis my friend

Speaker 2 he comes a lot him and i do we have a connection but you don't see him with

Speaker 2 he doesn't come with me you don't see him yeah no yeah of course not no yeah but he's like what but he wants to always reach out and he doesn't feel comfortable if he could reach out to you in Santino.

Speaker 2 I told him he can. Yeah, but why would you want to reach out? He wants to hang out.
He gets lonely here, and he only sees you when you're in the middle of the day. Oh, that's right.
That's right.

Speaker 2 That's right. That's right.
That's right. Yeah.
Yeah. Weren't you the one that

Speaker 2 back in the day?

Speaker 2 Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Wasn't the guy the last time that got us COVID? Yes.
That's him. Yeah.
That's him. Don, yeah, yeah.
That's on. And I got to.
He switched his subway because he wore,

Speaker 2 you thought, oh, I'm going to grow this mustache to make it look more. You know what I mean? But he just grows the mustache.
He doesn't grow the beard.

Speaker 2 I told him it doesn't look good yeah it looks like yosemite sam but yeah

Speaker 2 yeah but gay from hollywood yeah you still do stand-up

Speaker 2 oh but you you were supposed to come tonight but you're not going to come now you said you told me the other day you would do nothing i'll tell you what i got invited to something else what happened well i got invited to a party that i never get invited to and i think i have to go politically what what's who's the can we can you tell tell me well yeah i can tell you but um you know

Speaker 2 what why are you smiling carlos is about to give you a black eye like he gave his kid one

Speaker 2 Yeah, no.

Speaker 2 This guy's Sonny. You know, Sonny? He's a showrunner for beef.
Oh, good. Right.
And so, you know, Ali, all these guys are Asian community. Yeah, they're going to go.
And I missed the last year.

Speaker 2 And I, you know, got invited this year, and I was like, I should go. Is there one of them that you want to get out, though? Like, between like...
I don't want to go to any of them.

Speaker 2 I don't want to go to any of them. I go to fucking.
I went to that one event a couple, two months ago. Was it? Asian X.
No, not the Asian excellence.

Speaker 2 It was like the fucking golden, you know what I mean, Phoenix or whatever they fucking had. Yeah, yeah.
And I went downtown, they gave me a shitty table. I'm with Marker Cho, all these fucking people.

Speaker 2 All the cool Asians get in the front, and I got to sit there and watch presentations and see Michelle yows back of her head. Right.
I don't want to do it anymore, man.

Speaker 2 I want to be around my people, my white, dirty whites.

Speaker 2 I'm a dirty white more than a Korean, dude. Yeah, you are.
Yeah, I like the dirties, man. Yeah, we're good.
Shaggies, dude. Yeah.
You guys are just don't, they don't,

Speaker 2 they're not good, well-kept. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They're not so dirty. Yeah, because it's musky.
I'm getting sick of it, too. There's too many.
It's too much.

Speaker 2 Don't say there's too many Asians. Well, no, there are.
Don't say that there's too many Asians. No, it's not that there's too many Asians, but it's just like

Speaker 2 it's becoming a thing now where it's like, I can't get in. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 You'll never get in. I can't get into the Asian thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you want to get in? I do.
Yeah, yeah. I think because if I, you know, me, I'm all about.

Speaker 2 procreating, but I don't want to make more white people. That's why Puerto Rican kids.
Oh, that's wrong. But the next thing is, if the things end with me with Puerto Rican, I want to go to the Asians.

Speaker 2 So I want to, I'm,

Speaker 2 let me say something. I'm looking, I'll make a call to George Dakai.

Speaker 2 I would love that.

Speaker 2 Hello. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hello? He's still alive. George Dakai? I'd go, Dakai, what's up? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yes. Yeah.
And I'd be like, are you sucking Dick right now? Yeah.

Speaker 2 He loves it. Wait, where's Andrew? Why isn't he here? Where'd he go?

Speaker 2 We both, you know what's the problem with you and I? Yeah. We both have the same mental dissipation

Speaker 2 that like it just doesn't there's no cohesive yeah

Speaker 2 i like it here's the truth it's it's it's half the fan base no matter what because andrew isn't here they shut the pot off anyway so there's really nothing i could go i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know no okay well if you got if you if you're still here thank you i think i think maybe the reverse would be true oh if you if

Speaker 2 i know i'm kidding no let's not cut that out

Speaker 2 yeah yeah i do find it interesting that um and can you you cut this part out or no? Yes. Maybe.
Oh, maybe. All right.

Speaker 2 So it's interesting that Andrew called me today and he's like, really, because you're doing this movie and then like you're going to Cobbs and this and that. It's like, you're not going to be in town.

Speaker 2 We got to back like I go, oh,

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. When you go out on and doing things, right? I fill in with another guy, but he's never done that.

Speaker 2 He's never filled in with another person. When he went to Australia to do that fucking thing with the fucking good-looking whites, you know what I mean? What's it? The George Cena? Yeah, yeah, huge.

Speaker 2 George Cena, the huge actor, whatever it was. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Whatever that Stakanaka.

Speaker 2 Yeah, George Snakanaka. What's that? Move Sticky Nikki.
Sticky Nikki. Sticky Nikki, dude.
When he did Sticky Nikki, I had to fill in four times or whatever, right?

Speaker 2 He's never filled in for me when I was on the road.

Speaker 2 Give me one episode. He did it with Lil Dicky.
Yes. He did one time here with Lil Dickie.
At the last studio. At the last studio.

Speaker 2 Yep. Oh, he did?

Speaker 2 Okay. Well, let's move on then.
I actually think I believe I even co-hosted one with Andrew when you weren't here.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I believe I did.

Speaker 2 I've been mistaken. Yes.

Speaker 2 I've been mistaken and I'm wrong. Yes.
I want to think I did two episodes with him, actually.

Speaker 2 And then Andrew and I seriously started talking about how maybe him and I should just do the podcast.

Speaker 2 And we started texting you and you got very upset. Okay, well, since that's a 50-50.
Anyway,

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. I got to put my hair to the side.
But

Speaker 2 what we were talking about right before that because you went from...

Speaker 2 Batman is bisexual, actually.

Speaker 2 Who?

Speaker 2 Ern, Robin. Oh, he's bisexual.
Yeah, I figured that. I can feel that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I figured that.

Speaker 2 It's an an interesting

Speaker 2 why another bird when the writers were creating Batman. You know what I mean? Why does it have to be a bird? Right.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Because Batman's a bird.
Is a bat a bird?

Speaker 2 It's a marsupial. It's a marsupial.
Oh, it's not even a bars. Am I wrong about that?

Speaker 2 You're right.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's not a bat nor bird. It's a mammal.
Yeah. Oh, that's interesting.
Yeah. I did not know that.
Bats are a bird.

Speaker 2 They have pussies. Yeah, yeah.
And they give birth to the pussy. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Isn't that a trait of a mammal? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right? I think so. Do you know for sure?

Speaker 2 No, but it sounds right. All right.
Jamon.

Speaker 2 Jamon. We got to go back to Jamon.
Jamon.

Speaker 2 It's not a food, then. Yeah, that's not a Jamon.
That's a bat. But anyway.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. So all mammals give birth through the vag.
Yes. Right? So the reptiles lay eggs.
Glatypus.

Speaker 2 This fucking guy. There's always one.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What? Glatypus is a mamma that lays eggs. Yeah.
There's always a Caitlin Jenner in the fucking.

Speaker 2 He does.

Speaker 2 kind of look like he does kind of look like a woman from the future. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like what a woman's going to be in like 2075.
Yeah. It looked like.
So anyway,

Speaker 2 that's interesting. So aside from the platypus, what are these? Mammals that don't lay eggs? Oh, they do lay eggs?

Speaker 2 So give me a mammal that lays eggs. The etchedness.

Speaker 2 Okay, wow. What is that? Do you want to put that in a soup? It's a soup.

Speaker 2 Me? Yeah. Oh, because I'm Asian? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what?

Speaker 2 When white people say stuff like that, it really makes me mad because I'll tell you why, right? It's funny, though. I know, but the thing is, is that, I mean, poor white people eat squirrels.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right? It's like you're eating the things that are around you in your environment. It's like the Chinese are going, oh, I heard that Australia there's a wombat.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 We're going to go there and we're going to eat that. You know, if a wombat was in their backyard, they would eat it.
Right. Right.
But they're not like going out to like eat weird things.

Speaker 2 They're just, you know, surviving based on the land. But we've evolved to like Burger King.
Right. Right.
And I, I, what I want to say is that, what is that thing called? This

Speaker 2 Akadena? Yeah. I bet you that meat is better than a burger, like a Big Mac.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, like if you ate what they were saying in with the, in Wuhan, they were eating, what is the pandolins or something like that?

Speaker 2 What does Wuhan have anything to do with it?

Speaker 2 And why are you doing this, dude? I don't like this. You know, on TikTok, you know, you know, the hand gestures

Speaker 2 to have power over the room. Yeah.
I know when you guys do that, so stop doing that because you're not, that doesn't work with me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, all this stuff that you're trying to do with your hands

Speaker 2 to grab like dominance. Like this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do this.
I know what that means, dude. Yeah, I'm kidding.
That's okey-dokie. No, they eat this, these types of things.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Because that thing, whatever that thing is, is just all up in their trees and shit.
Yeah, it's disgusting. I thought that was Jeremiah Watkins.

Speaker 2 I know what you're saying. Yeah, yeah.
He has one of those. He's got that nose.
That look. I saw him yesterday.
He's great. He's an underdeveloped white.
He is an underdeveloped white.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, there's a couple of he should have been in the oven for a couple more months.
Yeah, when I look, when I see him, every time I see him, I go, seven months.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah, he went out seven months. Yeah, he goes, what do you mean?

Speaker 2 He tapped out. Yeah, he's tapped out.
But he's funny. Yeah.
Well, that's interesting. Yeah.
Yeah, he is underdeveloped. But, you know, you have whites in New York that are undeveloped as well.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But I do think if you're going to take an American white. Shane Gillis.
Shane Gillis is

Speaker 2 underdeveloped.

Speaker 2 But his brain is developed well. But his face is underdeveloped.
It's almost as if his face was in the womb for too long. Yes.
Yeah, he was baked for too long.

Speaker 2 It looks like... You remember where his eyes were, it started bubbling.

Speaker 2 It's like God was making him, and he had like that soft dough, a beautiful thing.

Speaker 2 Just at the last minute, he just fucked that right on his face. Oh, right.
He just smushed it. He dropped it.
He smushed it. Yeah, he dropped it out of the oven.
He just smushed it.

Speaker 2 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, right. But as he was going down, he said, I feel bad.
He goes, let me make him a comic genius. And he went like that.
Oh,

Speaker 2 he gave him that gift. He said his face is, I fucked up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 How about me? He forgot that. I don't think that.
He forgot what? The sprinkle. The sprinkle, yeah.
On me? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry.
Andres? You're saying I'm sprinklers?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Hey, fuck you, man.
Yeah. You think they forgot the sprinkles on me? I think, yeah.

Speaker 2 I think he put you in a walk and he just. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. I think he's a good one.

Speaker 2 I think with you, dude, is that he goes, I want to make a good-looking white. Because sometimes he's in that mood.

Speaker 2 He's like, well, watch. I'm going to spend five hours, right? Yeah.
But then he's like, couldn't finish it then. He had to do something else.

Speaker 2 Maybe there was a hurricane he had to deal with, right? So he goes, hey, Mom Joe, right? Some guy that works there. He goes, put in the brain.
And Mom Joe, Mom Joe went to the wrong department.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? He went to the fat, incelly, you know what I mean? Yeah. With the weird guy department.
Yeah. And he went, maybe this one, right?

Speaker 2 And he put in the brain, sent you down, and then God was mad, like, what the fuck? My Joe. Yeah.
Yeah, you know? Because then he can't that once he puts you down the shoot, he can't take you back.

Speaker 2 He can't take you back. That's it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So now I'm stuck, you're saying with the kind of a dumb intel brain, but.
Yeah, but still bright.

Speaker 2 It's crazy. It's crazy.
Well, because you know big people that don't have the good look. You know, you know, a lot of comics that don't have the look.
Yeah. Right?

Speaker 2 A lot of them don't make it.

Speaker 2 Right? But they still have the brain. Right.
Right. But then they, you know.
Right. You know what? Why are you saying right? I'm just listening.
Yeah, but I don't even know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 Why would you say right? Because I'm connected to you. Dude, we're so connected.
We are, dude. Joe Mon.
Joman. Go back to Joman.
Okay, let me take another guess of what it is.

Speaker 2 You're saying it's not a food. Yeah, I already, yeah, yeah.
Did you tell me what it was already? I think, yeah, I did, but. What did you say? No, you have to.
What the fuck? Do you not listen?

Speaker 2 Okay, so.

Speaker 2 Did I say it already? No. Oh, I did.
Oh, okay. It's not cabbage bread.

Speaker 2 What was it? It was the people before. Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did say it. Yeah, I did say it.
Thank you so much. Yeah, I did say it.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So they were the original people, but they didn't look Asian. Well, there's also a group of people called Yayoi, which, no, really, Yayoi's, right?

Speaker 2 That I think they mixed together and they came out with, I don't know. Yayoi state data.
Oh, there we go. There we go.
So the Jomans are to the left. Does that look Asian? Yes, of course.

Speaker 2 That looks Asian. Yeah.
That looks more like,

Speaker 2 I don't know, like Kazakhstan. Really?

Speaker 2 Oh, to the left? Yeah, that guy. Okay, the guy closest to Carlos is Jomon.
No, the one, no, the one closest. Right.
Yeah. Carlos is, that's Yayoi.
Yeah, Yayoi. Yayoi is gookie.

Speaker 2 Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yayoi.
So Yayoi, so they're saying that the Koreans actually came from the first one to the left. A combination of the two.
That's crazy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that I don't see how that one works. Because the one on the left just looks like Hassan Minaj.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I thought that he had a Netflix one-man show. That guy.
But then the Asian one, the Asian one, I could tell that that looks like a very handsome young Korean boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He looks good. But I'm just wondering, wondering, you know, that's probably over years of crossbreeding, too, probably.
Yeah, of course. I mean,

Speaker 2 we all have a little bit of everyone in us. That's why culture, to me, is so silly when people try to defend their culture.

Speaker 2 It's like, whatever your culture is today, it's because it was into your ancestors hundreds and hundreds of years ago by the enemy. So stop saying we're all just one culture.
You and I are more

Speaker 2 joman.

Speaker 2 I'm getting kind of into history myself, and I realize that

Speaker 2 civilizations, the only way they can evolve is through war. That's it.
You know what what I mean? And conquer.

Speaker 2 Because then you absorb other cultures into your, and it actually improves, you know what I mean, a civilization.

Speaker 2 That's a Joe Mon. That's a Joe Mon.
Okay, that right there. Now that kind of looks.
That does. That actually, to be honest with you.

Speaker 2 I was just going to say that.

Speaker 2 That's like kind of, that's a semi-Asian. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you could see him wear a suit and do political jokes. Yeah, yeah, like that.
That guy, I could see that.

Speaker 2 Whenever he's doing that, that guy, I could see him on the street. I know what the fuck Steve is doing lately, but that's what he's doing lately.
That's what he's doing.

Speaker 2 Wearing a suit wearing doing fucking politics politics yeah yeah yeah i could see him on tbs that guy looks like he's with this guy right here yeah that's a tbs yeah yeah yeah yeah he looks um but that's jomont and he looks little too he looks like a tiny little asian he looks like um you know like uh the russian dolls like how they have they getting smaller like you look like you'd be the top

Speaker 2 let me say i have some at home yeah it's a bigger one and you open it up and it's the more how many how many openings am i no no i'm saying we'll start with you and then that little guy oh i'm the big one that's the yeah right oh so you you open somebody four openings.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 2 Exactly. Yeah, yeah.
Yes, that's what I think. Yeah, he's the little one.
He's the one you get to right in the deepest layer. That's really what that's who you look like on the inside.

Speaker 2 That's who's always mad.

Speaker 2 But also, notice. That's who makes the mistakes.

Speaker 2 But notice, there is

Speaker 2 based on that photo,

Speaker 2 what have we taken from that Koreans that are still like that? That's based on

Speaker 2 that Koreans, right? Still have. Still have based on that photo.

Speaker 2 The same exact facial hair as you? No.

Speaker 2 Big head.

Speaker 2 We were big-headed people. Big head, little body.
Yes. Yes.
I find that to be very interesting.

Speaker 2 And you know what? There's no shame in that because Tom Cruise has a big head. He does.

Speaker 2 A lot of the male, like Steve McQueen, all of the male leading movie stars

Speaker 2 had big heads and little bodies. And what's great about Koreans is

Speaker 2 they're a stinkless agent. Stinkless agent.
You've talked about it many times on this program. They don't smell at all.
You don't smell at all. You don't have a gene that could even make you smell.

Speaker 2 So that's the and yet I still wear the cologne. But why?

Speaker 2 Because you know, I like mysterious smells. Right.
You know, and I like when people walk by me and go, ooh, yeah. Where were you? And that's not even a cologne, they say.

Speaker 2 Were you in like a war or like, no, or like, you know what I mean? Did you, um, were you mining

Speaker 2 or something like that? Right. You know what I mean? What about cigarettes? When you smoke cigarettes, do you squat down as low as you can, or do you smoke standing up?

Speaker 2 I just

Speaker 2 give me a second.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know, I'm just gonna, you know, I'm gonna go past that.

Speaker 2 You know, I'm gonna pretend that never happened. I'm gonna go back.
I'm gonna go past it. Okay.

Speaker 2 Like a detour. Okay.

Speaker 2 So, um, yeah, Jamon. Yeah, Jamon, to you.
Yeah. Um, um, okay.
What do you mean? Because a lot of Asian people, what they like to do is they like to swat down as much as they can. It's funny.

Speaker 2 With an asshole as close to the floor as possible.

Speaker 2 This guy, right? Could it be that there's no chairs around? Whatever the reason is, it's just something that they do. If there's no chairs around your place, would you squat down?

Speaker 2 No. What would you do? Just stand? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would do calf raises. I Viking.

Speaker 2 So you would stand. How about to eat? Still stand?

Speaker 2 I always stand and eat. Okay.
What?

Speaker 2 Digestion. That's what I do.
Yeah. Digestion.
I like to stand up and eat. Okay.
Yeah. I like to.
And we do that. That's what it is.
Yeah. So that

Speaker 2 to me, if I was,

Speaker 2 you know, when I was younger,

Speaker 2 I was terrible at banking. I was confused.
So bad.

Speaker 2 Overdraft charges.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just didn't know how to handle my money. I didn't know how to manage it.
And also, no one was there to help. But Chime understands that every dollar counts.

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Speaker 2 Hydro. I got it.
You?

Speaker 1 They gave me one. I got one at the house.
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Speaker 2 If somebody said, Chris, I want you to draw an Asian person, that's exactly what I draw.

Speaker 2 I wonder why that is. I've never really thought about it.

Speaker 2 It's only the Asian culture because a lot of cultures smoke cigarettes, but not only the Asians will squat down with their asshole hovering no more than an inch off.

Speaker 2 As you can tell, we read that way, too. But it's a beautiful thing.
You have hip flexibility, Bobby, is directly related to longevity of life.

Speaker 2 So the more flexible your hips are, which this man has got very flexible hips, the longer he'll live. Yeah.
So you do have good hip flexibility. Is that a true thing?

Speaker 2 Flip wait. Flip flexibility.

Speaker 2 Sorry. Hip flexibility.

Speaker 2 I mixed up the two. Hip flexibility

Speaker 2 equates to longevity of life. Longevity of life, because flexibility overall, they think that the actual key to longevity now is flexibility is the biggest thing.

Speaker 2 That actually is one of the root causes of health problems is how stiff you are. Are you flexible? No, not as flexible as I can be, but I've been trying to do hot yoga.

Speaker 2 I've been trying to stretch every day. I've been trying to do core work.

Speaker 2 I've been listening to

Speaker 2 Andrew Huberman.

Speaker 2 I've been listening to.

Speaker 2 Is he a good guy?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I don't know him. Oh, you don't know him? I just listened to his stuff.
But you know a lot of people. Not as much as I let me ask you something.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 I'm a little bit disconnected. I'm not as plugged in as you.
That's not true. No, it's true.
If you're doing a gig,

Speaker 2 have there been like famous people that come to your Kingdom of your gig? I don't get that. Not one time.
Unfortunately, no. Not one time a famous person.
Not very. I mean, unless I knew them before.

Speaker 2 Of course that. I mean, no one like, I'm not going to be on the road and all of a sudden like John Cougar Mellon Cap is going to go, hey, are you in Indiana?

Speaker 2 I know I don't know you, but come eat

Speaker 2 a pork sandwich. No, unfortunately, I don't have any.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because in Indiana, right,

Speaker 2 pork sandwiches are huge, right? What do they call the tenderloin, pork tenderloin sandwiches? So that when you laugh like that, dude, that's a mockery of my own thoughts.

Speaker 2 And I want you to stop that immediately. Yeah.
Okay. You almost killed us four years ago.

Speaker 2 All right. And I have not forgotten about that.
Yeah. All right.
Murder, dude.

Speaker 2 Attempted murder. Legit.
Illegit. Yeah.
So

Speaker 2 interesting to me. But I never get, no, I never get any famous people that come, unfortunately.

Speaker 2 There's got to be one time where, like, someone that anybody. How about comics? Famous comics.
No, not really.

Speaker 2 I never get like the people who are, oh, it's just so-and-so wants to come back to the green room and say hello. It's never happened to me once.
Really? No. Unfortunately.

Speaker 2 Something's not connecting with my comedy.

Speaker 2 I don't think that's what it is. No, no, it is.
It is.

Speaker 2 You're so aloof. You have no idea what the fuck is going on.
No, Bobby. I'm telling you.
I'm telling you, something's not connecting. I don't know what it is.

Speaker 2 I don't think I'm not funny, but something, the general public is looking at me and just saying no overall.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, that's not. I'm telling you, it's true.
No, look at the numbers. But when we were in Vegas.
Look at my YouTube numbers. When we were in Vegas.
Look at the numbers. That's not the numbers.

Speaker 2 We were in Vegas, right? You were the one that goes, hey, let's go sit next to Jimmy Kimmel. Okay, Jimmy.
I don't know Jimmy Kimmel, but he doesn't come to my shows. I know, but you know him.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 All right, what are the celebrities you know then? Jimmy Kimmel.

Speaker 2 Chas Palmenteri. Oh, you see, I don't know Chaz Palmonteri.
Yeah. You've hung out with him.
Yes. Chas Palmenteri, I know.
He's a huge star. Yeah.
Big time.

Speaker 2 Legend. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, this is when I was going through my glasses phase. Yeah, yeah.
I hate that guy. Really good.

Speaker 2 Myself, I'm talking about. I hate that guy with the glasses.
Who else do you know?

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 Now,

Speaker 2 when I ask no. Not really anybody.
Okay, when I ask no, what is no? Like, for instance,

Speaker 2 someone that you've met before or is it somebody that's in your life? That's the confusing part. Because I've met a lot of people, but for me to say that I know them is a different thing, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, like only people that I know Chas Pom and Terry. I know.

Speaker 2 You've talked to people. We go to each other's houses.
Like, Chaz Pom and Terry was almost my little daughter's godfather. Oh, what?

Speaker 2 I got beat out? Yeah. Who beat him out? We had to be,

Speaker 2 well, who beat him out initially was Jasmine's uncle, Jerry, TT Jerry. Okay, okay.
That's who beat him out. Who was Chaz?

Speaker 2 Who did you said about it? Well, no, because what we decided was because he's trans, so T.T. Jerry was actually the godfather of the the godmother at the same time.
Oh, the double combo.

Speaker 2 We just did it once. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can get a double combo. That's good.
That's it. Yeah.
So he's the godfather and the godmother. Wow, that's true.

Speaker 2 But Chaz is the only guy that he's, I know, and he's old school. He's old school.
But he lives in your area? No, he lives about an hour away. Okay.
But we see him on the weekends.

Speaker 2 We go pumpkin picking with his family. Oh, so it's so close then.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 My girl and his wife are like very close. They talk all the time.
Whoa. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is Chaz, he's working a lot still, right? Sure? Yeah, yeah. Old school work.
Yeah, he's he's old school Hollywood. Yeah, he's one of the best.

Speaker 2 He doesn't have to like call, he doesn't have a PR person, he just walks up to like a nice. Unusual suspects, one of my favorite movies.
The bouncers.

Speaker 2 Chas Palmenteri is known by almost every black person knows Chaz Palmateri and they love him. He's their favorite.
Amongst black people, Chaz Palmenteri is up there with their favorite white.

Speaker 2 He might be their favorite white person as shit. With the blacks.
Because Bronx Tail. Yeah, he's like 20th on the Asians.
Yeah, they don't, yeah, so he's really low.

Speaker 2 And he would be even lower if you if we dad, you know Chaz Palmenteri.

Speaker 2 did not even clause yeah chas palimenteri

Speaker 2 yeah right he wouldn't know and you're like what are you even listening i'm listening to you yeah right so he doesn't know he doesn't know yeah yeah and you would say my dad couldn't say a lot of things no you know

Speaker 2 samuel jackson samuel joke

Speaker 2 yeah yeah and that's

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 i know joman my people you know but he doesn't know much he doesn't yeah yeah yeah give me another what's a harder one uh uh uh benicio del toro oh forget about it yeah Dad, you know Benicio del Toro?

Speaker 2 Balo locam totoro.

Speaker 2 Right? No, not even close.

Speaker 2 My dad wouldn't even know, like, you know, I go, name me one Beatle song. He doesn't even know what the fuck you're talking about.

Speaker 2 He's out. He's out of culture.
Like, there's nothing. Yeah.
Have you seen a movie? I never see a movie.

Speaker 2 He doesn't know what.

Speaker 2 Wizard of Oz

Speaker 2 doesn't know what it is. Yeah.
You know what I mean? If I explain it to him, oh, I don't like.

Speaker 2 There's a wizard a lot. I don't don't like a lion.
I don't like a tintin.

Speaker 2 A tin man. I don't care.
You know what I mean? He doesn't know. So what would he watch them? What is it?

Speaker 2 That's the thing. Fucking nothing.
In fact,

Speaker 2 two weeks before he died,

Speaker 2 right? This is a sad story.

Speaker 2 I never said this story before, but. But I never, but it's a different experience with me.
You never go down the same river twice. What?

Speaker 2 So I'm saying, even if you sail again, it's a different day, different audience, different.

Speaker 2 You never step in the same river twice. But people do.
No, but then, but it's flowing water, so you never, so it's technically a different.

Speaker 2 If there's a river by your house, you've probably been in there more than twice. No, no, you step in.
You know where I learned that from ancient Joman proverbs. Oh, really? Joman.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, then they were dumb. Yeah.
Because it makes no sense. But anyway,

Speaker 2 maybe not too. I want to make, I would see, sometimes I exaggerate, so I want to be.
Be honest. I want to be completely honest.
Be honest. Be accurate.
A year before my dad died,

Speaker 2 I would have to say, my brother and I were in his house in Phoenix, Chandler, Arizona.

Speaker 2 And he was

Speaker 2 resorted. He's in a wheelchair now.
He can't walk.

Speaker 2 Because he got hit by a truck, right, or something?

Speaker 2 Isn't that?

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stroke? Or didn't your grandmother get run over by a tank? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, my aunt did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Don't you remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes I think about it, like in the shower.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My aunt got run over by a tank.

Speaker 2 It's what a weird thing to memorize.

Speaker 2 Wow. That's what I'll tell people fun facts about.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, the most traumatic in my family's history you know yeah but um a year before my dad died um my brother and i were at home and um

Speaker 2 we were talking about music and he goes i don't like music right i go we're asking him questions about music he doesn't know anything about it right i go have you ever heard a song and he goes uh sometime i go out you know i see i hear the i hear the uh you know in the you know outside you know what i mean in the morrow when i'm in the mower you know what i mean because one of his stores is in a mall, but he doesn't know what it is.

Speaker 2 Like, he doesn't listen to it, right? To him, it's just like birds chirping, right? You know what I mean, or like planes crashing, you know what I mean? There's no difference.

Speaker 2 So, what would he do for entertainment? So, my brother and guy goes, We want you to listen to this. I put my little, you know what I mean, um, AirPods in his ear.

Speaker 2 We played him, it's the most like universally, you know, and it was uh, Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 And he's listening to it,

Speaker 2 and then tears start coming down his face. And he goes, that's beautiful.

Speaker 2 It was unbelievable. There it is.
80 years. Never heard a song before.
Right. It's like we're like running into a primal, a tribe in some island, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 He has access to everything, but he doesn't, you know what I mean? He's, that's basically who he is. Did you tell him what it was about? I said, yeah.

Speaker 2 Eric clapped him to get cocaine and killed his kid.

Speaker 2 That's not what happened. No.
No, you know actually actually what happened? I know what happened. Tell them what happened.
So there was some sort of party or something at his house.

Speaker 2 This is already wrong. Yeah.

Speaker 2 There were people there, though. This is wrong.
Go ahead. I literally Googled it the other day.
Okay. All right.

Speaker 2 Okay, go ahead. And then he fell off a window, out of a window.
Okay. So the window parts right there.
No, yeah. So, no, what happened was.
Let me, I wait, first of all.

Speaker 2 But let me tell you the story first so you could fact check it. Okay.
So what happened was, is he

Speaker 2 left his baby

Speaker 2 with their nanny, and they let the kid used to run up and down the hallway, like in his apartment building in New York, and they lived on whatever, the 14th or 15th floor, and the maintenance worker had left the window at the end of the hallway open, which was like a floor-to-ceiling window because they were like cleaning it.

Speaker 2 And the kid thought he was running. He had always ran to that window and touched it and ran back, and he just ran through the window.
Wow, that's insane. Yeah, that's that's what it says online.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, I was wrong. Yeah, that's what I was.

Speaker 2 I don't think I would, I don't think I'd ever come back from that. No, he can't.
Did you?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 But I think he did come back. I think he then just.
No, yeah, he wrote Tears of Heaven. I'm just saying, me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He did proactive things. I'm just saying, if it happened to me, I think that it would.
What? Best special.

Speaker 2 You would win best special.

Speaker 2 I would come with a great special.

Speaker 2 I don't know, man. I think it would.

Speaker 2 It would take me years to even get back to any form of normalcy. But what would it take, like, if I killed one of your cats? Like, right? Like, how would what would be similar to that to you?

Speaker 2 Like, who would I have to kill for you to feel that to kind of motivate you to write the special of your life? Who would have to die right in front of you? Wow, what a question. Thank you.

Speaker 2 It would have to be a four-man death. A four-man? Yeah, yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 For me to motivate me to make the best special in the world. Like, what, the producers in here and Andrew? Everybody would have the whole best special.
No, no, no, no. It would have to be my brother.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 My mother. Okay.
Andrew. Okay.

Speaker 2 and Kalila. All four of them.
Had to die simultaneously at the same time for me to go, to feel completely lost. Right.
Of like, oh, I'm going to kill myself or I would definitely not stay sober. No.

Speaker 2 It would be too traumatic for me. Right.
And I would probably

Speaker 2 disappear for a very long time. I had to go through a bender.
So I already thought about it. So I would liquefy.
I would liquefy. I would sell my house.
Because he secretly hopes it happens.

Speaker 2 No, I don't secretly hope that happened. I do the same thing.
I hope that happens. I don't secretly hope it happens.
I hope everyone.

Speaker 2 I just have like an out. I know, but you're a fantasy.
So I would sell my mom's house, right? Maybe not sell mine. I would try to liquefy.
Like, I have some other real estate I would probably sell.

Speaker 2 Okay. I would get as much cash as I can.
Right. And I would probably get,

Speaker 2 I've never tried fentanyl. Okay.
So I would just get like high-grade fentanyl. Right.

Speaker 2 I would get all the liquor in the world.

Speaker 2 It's just the whole thing, shrooms, acid, everything. Right.
And I would probably go into like a place like Butte, Montana, because I was just there.

Speaker 2 And so when I was walking around Butte, Montana, I was going, oh, that's where I die. Right.
You know, my mind. You know what I mean? Like I found spots, like there's mine, like abandoned mines.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so I was just being in an abandoned mine. Yeah.
I mean, with my overalls, no shirt underneath it. No.
Right.

Speaker 2 And I know already that your nipples, you have strands of hair that come out of your nipples. Exactly.
And I would not shave them. No.
They would be like out,

Speaker 2 just swirling around in the wind. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would have a bandana on my head.

Speaker 2 I'd put one of those football kind of black, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was. Well, you know how Batman did

Speaker 2 Dark Knight? Because he has to put the mask on. So he wants this area to be shadow.
He wants this area to be dark.

Speaker 2 So I had no mask on. I'd just have that with the bandana.

Speaker 2 I would look really wicked. Awesome.
Right. And I would just party until I gave out, I think.
So you wouldn't, so you're saying you wouldn't write a special. But then if I survived.

Speaker 2 No, but then, but no, I'm just telling you what I would go through. Right.
Okay. And then it would be like, I think, I wonder who would try to find me.
A raccoon.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 2 what I'm saying is when I just said, who in my life would try to find me? And you're fucking saying a raccoon would?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I think Andres would.
I think Andres would be the one who would try to find you because he would see if you were still alive so you could do the ad reads.

Speaker 2 Oh, right, right. Yeah.
He would say that they needed to. Well, this would be over if Andrew died, right? This would be over.
A tiger billy would be over. No, I don't know if it'd necessarily be over.

Speaker 2 I could slide in for half the price.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, we would just.
Yeah. I could kind of do it.
I don't think I would be able to do it. I'd relocate, no issue.
I don't think I would be able to do it. I think

Speaker 2 you'd pick up the pieces. But anyway, so if your three children, your wife all died, right? Oh my gosh.
Is that too much? Whatever. We're in it,

Speaker 2 we're in it, we're in it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And you're like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 They, them, uncle, yes, yeah, yeah, came in, which is all this is. Oh, he's out, he's dead too.
Okay, yeah, yeah, but he dies from other things, right?

Speaker 2 I'll tell you that right now, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what I'm talking about, 100%, yeah, yeah, Philadelphia style, but anyway, um, yep,

Speaker 2 oh, yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, lesions, you know what I'm saying, 100%, yeah, yeah, absolutely, and so, um, what would you do?

Speaker 2 So, I'm, I'm the, I'm the cop. You're on the road.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Hello, Mr. Stefano.

Speaker 2 Hi. Hi.
How are you, officer? Excuse me?

Speaker 2 Am I talking to Christopher Stefano? That's me. Yeah.
How are you doing?

Speaker 2 You're an officer.

Speaker 2 Maybe Sheriff Wilson. Hey, Sheriff Wilson.
How are you? Yeah, Ozark County. Oh,

Speaker 2 I like it here. Yeah, yeah.
Yes. You look, I didn't realize that

Speaker 2 you were a sheriff. in Ozark.
I didn't think they did that here.

Speaker 2 I'm fucking calling you. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 This is not a FaceTime? Oh, I thought that you were physically. No, no, no, no.
Oh, if I physically saw you? Yeah, yeah, and I'm like, oh, you're going to physically see you?

Speaker 2 Well, I just thought because I was like, it would be weird if you're the sheriff of Ozark County and you're a small Korean, man.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah. But you would say that even if that was the case? Yeah, I think I would because I have a nice rapport with the police.
Yeah, but I'd be like, why are you being racist?

Speaker 2 Well, I would just, I think it would just be my attempt because I'd be very nervous to be my attempt.

Speaker 2 Well, then, my explanation would be during the Civil War, you know, then some Chinese moved here to the Ozarks, right? 99.9% of the people moved out, but my family were the ones that stayed.

Speaker 2 We owned a Chinese restaurant

Speaker 2 over

Speaker 2 hundreds of years. Right.
And, you know, my family said, I decided to break away from the Chinese food industry and become a sheriff. Yeah.
What's the problem?

Speaker 2 I decided to break away from the Chinese food industry and become,

Speaker 2 dude.

Speaker 2 Actually, yeah. See,

Speaker 2 that looks like, that's not full Asian, though. That's why I'm dude.
No, that's full Asian. That's Joman.
No, that's not Joe Mon dude. That's Joman.
No, the reason why

Speaker 2 he he has to look like that. Right.

Speaker 2 Because if he doesn't look like that and he looks like me, he's dead. Right.
He has to assimilate as much as he can. A little bit.
Yeah. He had to push his eyes up.

Speaker 2 At night, he's just with his fingers like this, trying to stretch them out. You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Remember

Speaker 2 that movie?

Speaker 2 Clockwork Orange. The little mechanism.
Yes. The metal, you know, a little mechanism.
That's what he does. That's what he does.
Anyway,

Speaker 2 so anyway, hi. Hi.
So,

Speaker 2 like I said, I'm Sergeant

Speaker 2 Sheriff. Sheriff Wilson.
Wilson, that's right.

Speaker 2 Ozarks. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry to inform you, but your wife and your children died in a fire. Oh.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's it? Where? No.

Speaker 2 What, damn? Where?

Speaker 2 Your house, sir. Oh.

Speaker 2 I would say. And you're they them

Speaker 2 all died. No, he died outside of the house from something else, right?

Speaker 2 It's okay, he was but there was bubbling

Speaker 2 bubbles on his skin, you know what I mean. It looked sexual, you know what I mean? Yeah, it was it's just a sexual virus we've never even seen before, but he was just like, help me, right?

Speaker 2 And we just shot him between the forehead, yeah, you know what I mean, because there's nothing that's it well because the CDC had to get involved, right?

Speaker 2 Yes, right, you know what I mean, and it's we don't know, you know, but it looked like something and we're not sure, yeah, and sexually, a sexual disease, aka like Ebola. Right.
Right.

Speaker 2 And his dick was missing. It was.
And we have to be careful. And we have to be careful because he did die within the, he did die in the property of a Korean person's backyard and they could eat him.

Speaker 2 They would eat him.

Speaker 2 Interesting how you switch that. That is true.
Or if it's in your backyard, they eat it. Well, it is true.
Your neighbors are Korean, and half his body was on the Koreans lawn.

Speaker 2 Luckily, the Korean family did not eat him. Right.

Speaker 2 But the rule is in Korean law, if you die on my property, you are free. You know what? So it's very unusual to tell somebody that their three kids and their wife died and is more obsessed with

Speaker 2 the uncle of where his position of his body is. Yes, because my thought, because what I would immediately think about is like,

Speaker 2 you're accountable, but are you using chopsticks to eat them?

Speaker 2 I know, but I'm telling you that your wife and your three children, that would not even be. Okay, so honestly, what I would do,

Speaker 2 I would take a minute. What I would probably do, honestly, is I would probably do is because I wouldn't be able to live more than an hour without them.

Speaker 2 So I would be like, I'm not going to live anymore. But what I would honestly do, if I'm being completely honest with you, you,

Speaker 2 I would take it in, obviously be horrified, upset. I would say, I'm killing myself tonight.
But before I do that, I do want to at least have sex one more time. And I would get a prostitute in Ozark.

Speaker 2 Honestly, I'd get a prostitute and then I'd get a gun or any me, and then I'd take my own life. But I would have sex with a random prostitute one time, no condom.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay, okay, yeah, yeah, and that's what you would do. Yeah, and I'd pay her, you know, whatever.

Speaker 2 Most people would have just called other family members and express

Speaker 2 their grief. Yeah.
Well, there's nothing really my family's going to help me. You know, my, nothing's going to help me.
You don't think your friends can help you through that? Yeah. You don't know?

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. No.
No. How could they,

Speaker 2 what could they possibly tell me that would make me better?

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, can we just take it one day at a time first? I would say.

Speaker 2 I know, Chris, this is how you feel right now. And I can't imagine what you're going through.
Right. But can you do it tomorrow?

Speaker 2 Have sex with the prostitute? No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And, you know what I mean? No, I would say, I would say that's the, this is also my last night on earth, but I'm going to go out and have sex with multiple prostitutes.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay, well, well, now there's two. Maybe.

Speaker 2 Well, honestly, if you want to just be honest with you, just because I know that I'm dying that day, I would maybe get one male, one female, and just to feel it.

Speaker 2 Because even though I make a lot of gay jokes, I've never done anything gay like that. Well, that's interesting that would you have sex with me then? Yes.

Speaker 2 I would. But you know what? Through the love that you and I make, it might want to make you live.
That's true. Because you know what? I make you giggle.
Yeah. Because you know what it is?

Speaker 2 You look like you have, even though I know, you know, you have a clean body. Like, I bet you having sex with you, it's like the inside of your body looks like a doll.

Speaker 2 That's, oh my God.

Speaker 2 Hold on, the nicest things everyone is. Yeah, you have clean.
Thank you. You have a clean ass.
And that's the truth. Yeah, it is.
Amen. And

Speaker 2 no hair on your body. A very little piece of

Speaker 2 no ass hair. Yeah, yeah.
That's a morbid thing to even think of. I'm so sorry that we even, I don't even know how, why we went down that path.

Speaker 2 Well, the thing is with you, when I'm with you, I'm just going to kind of go where you lead me. Yeah, but I'm trying.
But I felt like you loved me. I felt like you loved me there.
No.

Speaker 2 Did I lead him there or did he leave? Eric Clapton. What? Eric Clapton.
Oh, we went from music. That's the thing with you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, we talk about one thing, right? And it goes into that. I don't know why.
I guess I did lead you down there. What I like to do.
We go to Eric Clapton. I like to do the reverse rate.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You lead the trail of tears and I follow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Whoa.
Yeah. Is that a Vietnam reference? No, Native American.
Native American. That's right.
Yeah, yeah. Which is, I'm not.
No, but I mean, you know. Yeah, yeah.
It's whatever. No, no, it's not.

Speaker 2 It's just whatever.

Speaker 2 It's not just whatever. It was a tragic tragic time.
It was. Can you explain to me what happened at the Crusades? Because I don't know anything.
Whenever, like, I talk to...

Speaker 2 No, honestly, whenever I talk to people

Speaker 2 about religion and they go, why don't you believe in God? I go, I always say, oh, the Crusades. Just as a blanket statement.
Right. And then they go, oh, yeah, that's right.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And I just kind of move on. But I don't even really know what I'm talking about.
It's the religious for, the Christians versus the Muslims. Oh, so is that what happened? That was it.
Big time.

Speaker 2 They fought a lot over ancient Turkey.

Speaker 2 Christianity thought that their religion was the best.

Speaker 2 Muslims thought theirs was. You know what the interesting thing is about.
Who won the Crusades?

Speaker 2 Nobody really knows. I mean, I would say really kind of the Christians, but that's because, but I have Christian tattoos all over my body.
I'm actually fighting in the modern day crusade. Wow, okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And

Speaker 2 we're going up against a church of Latter-day Saints tomorrow. That's our match.
Oh, I'll be winning. There you go.

Speaker 2 But, you know what was interesting is I read a book about it, and they said that you would think that the Muslims, right, because you hear like these things like, oh, it's a very racist thing right now to be like, oh, you'll hear like, oh, Muslims are dirty, whatever.

Speaker 2 That's all such a bullshit. Bullshit.
It's a racist thing. All the Muslims I know are clean.

Speaker 2 No, no, because it's because it's reverse racism because what would happen is actually the Muslims were so well, were so educated, so hygienic.

Speaker 2 They had science hundreds of years before the Christians were

Speaker 2 Christians came in kind of gangly, disgusting. The Muslim people said they could smell the Christian army coming from miles away.
So they were dirty, filthy heathens.

Speaker 2 Where Muslims were high science, education, astronomy, astronomy, all that. Dancing with the stars.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They did it everything.
Wow. Yeah, they had it all.

Speaker 2 Podcasts. Yeah.
What did the Muslims invent back then that we still use today?

Speaker 2 Without the Muslims, what would we not have?

Speaker 2 Algebra. That's huge.
The Arabic. That's a big one.

Speaker 2 The numeral are numbers. Arabic numbers.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay, let's go. Let's just zoom in.
Yep. Hospitalism's invented.
Coffee.

Speaker 2 Bro. Look at this.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Allah. Every time I take a sip, I say, praise be to Allah.
There's another one. Algebra is huge.
Hospitals, bro. Toothbrush.

Speaker 2 Dude, really? Disgusting teeth. Yeah, because look at the English.
Deodorant? Yeah, yeah. Smelling spices.

Speaker 2 You know, when most of the wars, crusades were over? Salt. Whoa.

Speaker 2 Everybody wanted clocks. Clocks, bro.
They invented clocks, bro. That That's legit, dude.
Optics, university. I've even heard of windmills.
Yeah. Yeah.
Beheading.

Speaker 2 Beheadings are on there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's good.

Speaker 2 That's interesting. The crank.
What's oh, yeah, the crank. Wow.
What is crank? Can I street drugs? I know a little statistic I read the other day. Tell me.

Speaker 2 A black kid invented the doorknob.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you know that?

Speaker 2 Google it.

Speaker 2 That guy. That guy invented the door fucking knob, though.

Speaker 2 What the hell were they doing before? They were difficult to open.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? But he made it, you know, and he made no money off of it. He just, wow.

Speaker 2 People just stole it from him. Like, oh, wow.

Speaker 2 I could have thought of that. And just took it from him.
That's very interesting. But that guy invented.
What's his name?

Speaker 2 Osborne Dorsey. Osborne Dorsey fucking created.
Turned the doorknob. Yeah.
The Dorsey knob, they should call it. Yeah, the Dorsey knob.
Thank you because I use doorknobs still to this day. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because every door was like a saloon door then, back then. You just have to push it open.
Oh, right. I guess.
And he was able to find the little mechanics and little videos of that. That's incredible.

Speaker 2 Yes. Yes, Osborne Dorsey, African-American man who invented the doorknob and the doorstop in December of 1860.
The doorstop seems like somebody would figure that out.

Speaker 2 And he was born a slave. I mean, right? He became freed.
He became a free person. Wait, wait.
He invented it while he was enslaved? He was born into slavery, and then he says he became a freed slave.

Speaker 2 So I don't know. Oh, and after he was able to.
Yes. Imagine all the things they could have invented if they weren't slaves.
I know. Think about that.
Right. Like, you know, creams or whatever.

Speaker 2 Exactly. No, I agree.
I think about that. Isn't that racist? Sure.
Yeah, yeah. You can say it, though.
You're Asian. Yeah.
You can't really. Yeah.
It doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 I don't know that Asians, even though Asians are the most racist pound-for-pound people, we whites get the worst, but Asians are. I mean, it's horrifying how racist.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 I've heard that been said, and that's really, there's no evidence to back that up. I mean,

Speaker 2 what? I mean,

Speaker 2 the Chinese, you know, they came in and they, Japanese came in and they were bayoneting Chinese babies and killing them. They all hate each other.

Speaker 2 They think the Koreans are, you know, well, Koreans are the top. China's the top one, then Japan, then Korea, then Vietnam, then Laos.

Speaker 2 Right? I mean, I don't know why there's a ranking, but

Speaker 2 if I were

Speaker 2 frankly, if I were to rank it, I have my own ranking. If you want to hear the research, come to our meetings.
Oh, your white meetings. Okay.
Well, then explain to me why based on the rankings.

Speaker 2 China's the number one. Why? Biggest, most populous.
But you're just basing it on geography, right? The size of mass. No, and people and

Speaker 2 how much real estate they own. Okay, but it's still based on the land,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 I want to get into like, you know what I mean, what they've invented. And, and, you know, well, China invented everything.

Speaker 2 What? China was the one. That's true.
They all gunpowder. Yes.
Gunpowder. Spaghetti.
Spaghetti. Really? Spaghetti? Yeah.
Chinese? Yeah.

Speaker 2 The finger trap?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, finger trap's a good one.
Yes. That's a really good one.
Yeah. What else did they invent? You said

Speaker 2 warfare on horses?

Speaker 2 Right. Chinese.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They also invented

Speaker 2 what's the thing?

Speaker 2 Chariot? Yeah. Plow? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I forgot what it was called, but but well, I'll act it out.

Speaker 2 How many people?

Speaker 2 Yeah, Rick Shaw. Rickshaw, that's right.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much. Oh, they invented alcohol.
That's a huge one. That's a big one.
Dude, that's like one of the number one thing. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Noodles, silk.
That's incredible.

Speaker 2 They said, wait a second. Chinese invented toothbrushes too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get down to that.
What is going on? What's going on there? Come on. He's still claiming it, though.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying. Oh, we have made a bat.

Speaker 2 How do you know? Look at my teeth. Whatever.
I don't know. Why would they? They're so clean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so let's go to Koreans.
What did Koreans invent? Probably not much.

Speaker 2 Let's do Koreans. Let's see what they invent.

Speaker 2 Let's see. What are Koreans possibly invent? K-pop.
All right. Infection control robot.

Speaker 2 Well, now we're going to go to the future. They're like, oh, well, fuck the past.

Speaker 2 You know, everybody have an infection? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we need a robot to do that.

Speaker 2 Braille translation, that's nice. That's helpful.
That's huge. Yeah.
Software that predicts cardiac arrest.

Speaker 2 Dude, you know how sometimes you're watching a movie and you go, God, I wish this wrapped around.

Speaker 2 I wish it wrapped around my whole body. They invented the wraparound movie, dude.
Smart glasses reimagined. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So they didn't even invent the smart glasses. No, no, no, we'll reimagine it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's insane.
That's his software that predicts cardiac arrest. Oh, that's a good idea.
Oh, look at this one. Inflatable isolation wards.

Speaker 2 Really? So you know how isolation wards are so on the ground.

Speaker 2 It's so stern. Yeah.
I mean, they're putting you in an isolation ward and they push you down the river. Yeah, yeah.
Wow. Inflatable.
That's incredible. It's pretty.

Speaker 2 So we didn't really invent anything. A flexible screen TV.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's one of those things where we took other inventions and made it better. But that's okay.
That's what you're good at. Right.

Speaker 2 That's what we were good at. Here are some of it.

Speaker 2 Look, 5G smartphone, 3D hologram, recharging roads for electric vehicles that's pretty big because i think that we only got into the game of that jaegungu an automated self-striking water clock

Speaker 2 what

Speaker 2 we invented that yeah i have four jaegun goos dude i have four of them at home yeah yeah wow that's good though that's incredible let's go to now let's go now this is great let's go to vietnamese

Speaker 2 because we're ranking the asians right so yeah yeah what do the vietnamese invent let me let's guess before it trails.

Speaker 2 And by the way, just so what's going to happen, you know what's going to happen, by the way, too, is people are going to say that you're allowing me, a white person, to make fun of Asian culture.

Speaker 2 Oh, I won't.

Speaker 2 Okay, no, okay. All right.

Speaker 2 Push pause for a second. All right.

Speaker 2 Let's talk about that real quick, okay?

Speaker 2 I want to talk about that right now. Okay.

Speaker 2 I make fun of whites. So much and their culture.
I really do.

Speaker 2 And a lot of my friends make fun of my culture, right? But Korean isn't my culture, I'm an American, I was born here, I have the same sensibilities as everyone else, you know.

Speaker 2 I don't know, I mean, I like the food, I do feel like when I'm around my Korean friends, it does feel a little different in terms of like shared American experiences that we bond into,

Speaker 2 but um, I love you so much. I know there isn't a racist bone in your body, and we what we do is it's healing for us, it's a pleasure to do what we do.

Speaker 2 It, I think it's it's healthy, you know what I mean? To, out of love, make fun of each other. And

Speaker 2 this is, to me,

Speaker 2 not a bad thing.

Speaker 2 I think it's a positive thing. I think this is what dock workers did back in the day when, like, you had different cultures at a dock, right?

Speaker 2 And they didn't know each other's languages and they made fun of each other's mustaches or the way someone talked. And they would all laugh, drink a beer at the pub, or whatever.

Speaker 2 And was there a way of bonding? And

Speaker 2 so I don't think it's a bad thing. I don't think you've ever said anything racist.
You never said anything that's offended me. And there are a lot of Asians that don't like what I do.
A lot of them.

Speaker 2 And they've told me

Speaker 2 to my face. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Like you're a disgrace, or you know what I mean. You know what I mean? You know, and it's like, I don't feel that way.
Right. I do what feels right.

Speaker 2 I think that I, what I think I'm very funny. And I think you're very funny.
And so can we get past that? Yeah. Let's make fun of the Vietnamese.
Let's go.

Speaker 2 Let's go.

Speaker 2 Anyway.

Speaker 2 Okay, so what did they do? Hand embroidery.

Speaker 2 Let's go to the first one. Okay.
The ATM, dude. Are you sure?

Speaker 2 They said dude Duc Kwong, a Vietnamese inventor, co-invented the ATM. Oh, co-invented.
Co-invented. Who's the other guy? White guy.
Ju. Ju.
Yeah, probably.

Speaker 2 A guy that looks like Carlos. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 The second is the conical hat,

Speaker 2 Also known as the non la

Speaker 2 this hat is believed to have originated in Vietnam over 3,000 years ago. What is that? Aliens, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like a cone head hat. No, it's one of those flat hats with the little.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's okay.

Speaker 2 Oh, that hat? Yeah. They invented that hat.
They invented that. Yeah, yeah.
Wow. Raiden from Street.
Oh, there it is. They invented.
That's incredible. That's a pretty cool hat.

Speaker 2 That is pretty awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's a good idea. It keeps you, you know,

Speaker 2 the sun out of your face. It just looks weird.
It does look kind of crazy. Yeah, yeah yeah but it you could make it cool yeah anyway the lockerware yes

Speaker 2 a natural a natural product that has been made in vietnam for centuries with pieces dating back to fourth and fifth century okay okay hand embroidery i mean yeah nothing yeah

Speaker 2 what yeah i know they've never really done this is why they're kind of not at the top of the list evasion they don't have anything that rematches well the bakfav antivirus is pretty good that's pretty big how many times have you had pak fob i have had pok fob right and you're like god damn i'm gonna die and then they had the antivirus yeah that's pretty good that's good.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Well, the thing, what's some of the other things that we're talking about? Other things I'm doing about

Speaker 2 these people include Vietnamese calligraphy. Yeah, but that's just, it seems like.
It seems like it's because no one else uses it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 No one in Cambodia is going, I'm doing Vietnamese calligraphy. You know, doing their own calligraphy.
Yeah. Yeah.
So it, yeah, it doesn't.

Speaker 2 Fong shading. I don't even know what that is.
Yeah. Yeah, this is why they're not.
They're kind of. All right, so let's put them right now based on what we see.
Put them at five. At five.

Speaker 2 But then we never did Japanese. I'm sure it's a lot.
Japan is two. China's one.
So let's go to Japan. Japan was two.
And Korea. Well, based on Korea, though, I think we're like fourth.
No.

Speaker 2 Well, let's see what Japan invests.

Speaker 2 Zoom and Zoom in. Japan's a big deal.
The electronic rice cooker, that's big. You use that every day.
Godzilla, that's huge. Yes.
Godzilla. Godzilla is huge.
CDs, laptops,

Speaker 2 batteries, eye drop funnels, novels, selfie sticks. Robotics.
I mean, Japanese are big, dude. Huge.
Emoji. The QR code.

Speaker 2 It truly is it. The jetscape.
She's on your own. Oh my God.

Speaker 2 Instant noodles. Calculators.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Dude, based on this, they're number one, dude. You think? Yeah, based on this, they're number one.
That's a lot. Happy faces.
Happy Faces. Hello, Kitty.
Yeah, yeah. That's a lot, dude.

Speaker 2 Glory Holes is Japanese. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bullet Trains, wow. Big.
Walkman. VHS.

Speaker 2 The novel.

Speaker 2 It's insane. It's insane.
You would think the English. I think, yeah, but it's them.

Speaker 2 And they're great because they're such a small island nation.

Speaker 2 They're very, they were. My grandfather said, very difficult to kill.
He would shoot them hundreds of times. They would never die, he said, in the war.
Just keep shooting them and shooting them.

Speaker 2 And they run around. He said they'd go over there, they'd hit them with paddles.
Well, I think what you're basically saying is they're just bad shots. Right, right.

Speaker 2 You get shooting, shooting, but they're just so quick. Couldn't do it.
Miss Meat Miss Meat. Yeah, okay.
Yeah, so they would kind of think, and they're very, and they're fearless. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What kind of white are you?

Speaker 2 Mostly German. And then.
Let's eat German. German, probably.

Speaker 2 Let me guess. The watch? The invention is going to get bad.
Yes, the oven. It's going to get bad.

Speaker 2 Are you going to crush the game? Yeah, yeah. Are you going to crush the game? Germans are going to get bad.

Speaker 2 If you crush the game, you used all these things in not great ways. All right.
Are you real? Yeah. Bicycles.

Speaker 2 We invented bicycles. Dude, you invented Fanta.
Yes. That's on there? Yeah.
Fanta. Wow.
Orange soda, diesel engine. Yeah.
Bicycles is huge. Huge.
Huge, dude.

Speaker 2 Gummy bearbags. Yeah.
Gummy bears to me is huge. That's big.
I don't know BL. Come on, look at that.
Wait, I thought Henry Ford did that.

Speaker 2 He just did the assembly line.

Speaker 2 Who invented the car?

Speaker 2 I guess the Germans. Maybe Mercedes-Benz?

Speaker 2 No, who really? Really?

Speaker 2 Who invented the car? Yeah, I want to know that. We got to get to the fact.
We invented the Christmas tree as well, by the way. Benz, Carl Benz.
So that's he invented the car. That's German.

Speaker 2 That's German. That's Mercedes-Benz.
That's insane. Carl Benz.
Wow.

Speaker 2 That's insane. Well, good job.

Speaker 2 Christmas tree is big. What? Christmas tree is a big one.
Yeah, Christmas tree.

Speaker 2 Dude. Yeah.
I don't know, though. German's big.
I don't even claim that. It says it right there.
Yeah, I know. So you're the first people to put stuff on a tree.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It is definitely a German holiday.

Speaker 2 Is Santa German? Yeah. It's all look.

Speaker 2 It says in originated in Germany in the 16th century.

Speaker 2 Let me see. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 I can't believe you're not coming to my show tonight.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I just have to do this thing, I think.

Speaker 2 You know what?

Speaker 2 I'll tell you why. Okay.
I'll tell you why. Let's get off this.
I'll tell you why. It's because throughout my whole life, I've been known not to go to these events.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm not good at the socializations, the social aspects of show business. I've never been good at it.
I've been called aloof. I've been called like he seemed weird.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I'm being real. I mean, that's the things that people say.
We're shocked. Yeah, people go, I had to invite him because it's weird.
You know what I mean? Why? He just

Speaker 2 sits in a corner. I don't really talk too much.
It's also, I try too hard sometimes because I got to be cool, right? So it's just like, I'm not like, I'll interject into a conversation.

Speaker 2 I shouldn't interject.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 I'll give you an example.

Speaker 2 Last week we were in Vegas.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 after my show with Bert, I got invited to Maroon 5. Great.

Speaker 2 And, you know, we saw Maroon 5 and then backstage um adam wanted to say hi so i brought my friend john park dumbfounded and talk about embarrassing this guy tried so hard like like adam brought up korea and then john just stepped in well yeah korea i'm i'm i'm legit in korea he says right and eventually i had to go adam i'm sorry He's trying too hard.

Speaker 2 And I backed him out.

Speaker 2 Wow. Right.
I go, shut the fuck up, dude. You're embarrassing.
You said that to him. Yeah.
And then later he got mad. He's like, you embarrassed me.
I go, no, you embarrassed yourself. Okay.

Speaker 2 But I understand how John was because that's what I'm like sometimes.

Speaker 2 Are you good at parties?

Speaker 2 What is he famous for in Korea? Nothing.

Speaker 2 That's what. No, he was like, I know all the like legit restaurants.
Yeah, why would Maroon Five care about that?

Speaker 2 Exactly. Yeah.
Bingong, dude. Yeah, they're like, I don't care what the hot restaurant is in Pyongyang Yang.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't care either.
Yeah. Yeah, either anyone.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right. But, um, and I said, um, he likes you, John.
Just back up. Yeah.
He's trying too hard. Yeah.
And then Adam laughed at that. Right.
And he thought I was ridiculing him. Right.
Right.

Speaker 2 But anyway, um, but the truth be known is I was a little nervous. Because of being around him.
Just being around that whole situation. Because, you know, you watch that show.

Speaker 2 It's like high, the highest level of production. Yeah.
It's incredible the sound. Did they choreography?

Speaker 2 Okay, it's fine.

Speaker 2 It's fine.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's fine.

Speaker 2 That's what Germans invented, the fart. They did? Yes.
Yeah, yeah. I'm not good at parties.

Speaker 2 No, I try to, like, today I have a show, and then after there's people coming to the show, you know, it's L.A., the age is all. And I just, I want to run out the back door right after the show.

Speaker 2 WME. W-Me, okay.
Yeah, yeah. So I want to run because I don't like the social interaction because I can go on stage and do this all day for hours.

Speaker 2 But when it's the small talk, I don't know how to do it. I don't want to do it.
I get very, very, very uncomfortable. Yeah, me too.
I'm not good at it. Right.
And

Speaker 2 yeah it's it's an unnatural almost you were really going to town yesterday on that jalapeno cornbread and the brisket and the mac and cheese you really would why would you why would you you really just no because he had stomach problems all night i heard him going to the bathroom all night were you did you really

Speaker 2 could i be honest with you i didn't so i ate a couple of pieces and my stomach has an instinctual alert system right karines invented that yeah i know we did yeah and it's sort of like a um queef out of your butt Yeah, I mean, it's not a fart, you know what I mean, but it's a queef out of it's good,

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah. And my butt did that, and I stopped eating it.
Smart, it's my system going, there's something wrong, and you didn't eat again for the rest of the night. No, I did.
Oh, I had pasta, right?

Speaker 2 So, you just had carbonera pasta, you ignored the system, I did, yeah, and I had a difficult night.

Speaker 2 Sometimes you ignored the system, yes,

Speaker 2 but but when you, when you, um, when you did you keep eating, did you does your body have an alert system? Sometimes it it didn't with that. Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I had heartburn.
I woke up in the moment. You had heartburn, okay.
Yeah, and then we ate, and then we ate a big Italian meal just before we came in, and then I fell asleep on Don's couch.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, that's interesting. So let me ask you about your experiences in L.A.

Speaker 2 You don't like it? L.A.? Yeah. I don't have a problem with L.A.
at all, but I am

Speaker 2 absolutely...

Speaker 2 If you said, hey, Chris, your career will get twice as big. You just have to go to L.A.
more or you just have to move to L.A., I would say I'd rather just stay where I'm at and just be in New York.

Speaker 2 Because I don't hate L.A. It's just my whole family and life and me feeling at peace is all in New York.
Sure, sure. I like staying in the original 13 colonies.
Okay, okay, that's what it is.

Speaker 2 That's enough said, and well put. Yeah.
Yeah, I agree. Yeah, yeah.
I don't like it. Like for me, if you could tell me I will have a career from

Speaker 2 Vermont to Georgia, the original 13, I would like to do that. Really? I don't like to go too far west.
This is way too far. This is to me, this is the Spanish.
This is not our country.

Speaker 2 Our country, what our founding fathers believed was the 13 colonies. And then Thomas Jefferson bought the Louisiana purchase.
He bought too much land. Yeah, yeah.
That's not what we wanted.

Speaker 2 That's not what was agreed upon. So I like staying in the original 13.
So if we would have stayed with the 13 colonies, what would have happened with the rest of the country, you think?

Speaker 2 It would have been like no man's land. No, it would have stayed with Spain and France.

Speaker 2 Do you know Thomas Jefferson, the actual president of the United States at this time, when he bought the Louisiana purchase, when they sent Lewis and Clark out into that big blue west?

Speaker 2 Thomas Jefferson, this is why culture and society is wild.

Speaker 2 Thomas Jefferson, who was the president, the sitting president, a very smart inventor type guy, he believed, and they were not sure if they were going to encounter dinosaurs or not. No, really?

Speaker 2 I swear to God. In like Ohio and all that, they knew they were going to encounter hostile Native Americans, but they also thought there could be a Tyrannosaurus Rex out there

Speaker 2 because they didn't have any information. Oh, right.
They were scared. You're right.
Of course. But so, so that's what they thought, that they thought there were dinosaurs.

Speaker 2 But see, the original 13, so from

Speaker 2 actually, not even Vermont was an original. So from New Hampshire up to Georgia.

Speaker 2 That's my zone right there. That's where I like to sell tickets.
That's where I like to stay.

Speaker 2 My family has fun there. We feel close.
But don't you like the way it's a little bit more space in LA? No. You don't like that? Space gives me anxiety.

Speaker 2 When you give me space, you give me places for people to hide. Ah.
I don't like that. There are places I hide in New York, no? No, but I know them all.
Oh, you know the little cubby homes?

Speaker 2 I know them all. Oh, I see.
Yes. And

Speaker 2 I think that for me out here, things get a little weird out here. You get a lot of serial killers out here.
You get a lot of people just alone with their thoughts out here.

Speaker 2 Things can move too slow.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of isolation where over here we're on top of each other. And in the moments can be frustrating, but that makes us feel more connected as humans.
And

Speaker 2 I like it more in the original 13. Yeah, because son of Sam.
Let's talk about the killer. He was from New York.
Yeah, so that's one you got me on. No, no, no, but that's only one, really.

Speaker 2 I can't think of any other ones. Can you? Yeah, the Boston Strangler.
Yeah, yeah, that's he's a pretty good one.

Speaker 2 But the son of Sam got caught quickly, no, or no? Son of Sam. Yeah.
So son of Sam. He shot people.
He shot people. And allegedly, son of Sam, they pinned it on him, but he didn't do all the murders.

Speaker 2 It was a cult of people doing the murders. Oh, that's interesting for tidbits.
Thank you for saying that. Supposedly.
T.T. Jerry was in prison with Son of Sam and told us that.
Wow.

Speaker 2 But you would have to admit, though, the Midwestern and the Northern serial killers are the worst. The worst.
Don't you think? The Midwestern and the Northern. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. I don't.
Well, really,

Speaker 2 like Milwaukee on, Jeffrey Dahmer, Johnny. Ed Gee, the new Ed Gein movie right now.
Ted Bundy, Ed Gein. These are all like West word expansion is no good.
Manifest Destiny. Yeah.
I don't like that.

Speaker 2 I want the original 13.

Speaker 2 That's all. I think we should go back.
If the United States wants any chance, I say we get rid of everything besides those original 13 and people come and move to where? To the East Coast.

Speaker 2 We have the water there. We have the weather there.
What do you think of Cal exit or Texas exit?

Speaker 2 I'm for it.

Speaker 2 You're for states getting removed from the

Speaker 2 union. Union.
Thank you so much. Union.
And just having their independent own country. Do it.
You think so? Do it. Because Because to me, it's, you know, it's the East Coast down to Georgia.

Speaker 2 Oh, so what you're saying to me is that if Washington, Oregon, and California got off and we were our own country, and then you did that with the 13 colonies,

Speaker 2 that there would be a war. I think we'd be allies, no? We would be allies, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we would be allies.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because we would,

Speaker 2 yeah, we would be allies. Texas wouldn't be our ally.
Yeah. I don't want Texas.
I feel like our army would be better than your army.

Speaker 2 Which army are you in? The Asian army? No, no, no, no. No, I'm in the California, Oregon, Washington.
No, no, no, because somebody like Don, who's from Georgia,

Speaker 2 we have the Deep South in the 13 colonies. They're the fighters.
Yeah, but we have MS-13. That's true.
Yeah, but

Speaker 2 they're not legal.

Speaker 2 We still have them. That's true.
Yeah, yeah. We still have them.

Speaker 2 Regardless, I'll make them legal. They'll work for you.
I'll make them legal, right? And that's a pretty good army. Here we throw out them first.
Look at that. That guy, dude.

Speaker 2 No, yeah, I don't want to fuck with that guy. Yeah, I don't want to fuck with that guy, dude.
Yeah, his tattoos on his eyeballs. Those guys are bad.
They're pretty bad. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Or good if they're listening. Look at that hand gesture.
I can't even do that with my fingers. I know.
I have arthritis. Yeah, I couldn't do it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I think, I think, yeah, I think we should think more as Americans, we should think more about just going back to what this was originally intended. I don't think so.
It's never going to happen.

Speaker 2 No. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think it's fine the way it is.

Speaker 2 I think that we're like politically

Speaker 2 polarized in this country like we've never seen. But I think at the end of the day, you know, we'll be fine.

Speaker 2 That's the thing is, like, what do you think this is any worse today than it was in the French Revolution when they cut the king and queen's heads off? Like, it's the same shit. Just relax.

Speaker 2 Everyone needs to just fucking relax. That's what I'm saying.
Everyone thinks they're in the worst. Tell that to a World War II veteran that they're living in the worst time in American history.

Speaker 2 And they're like, what? Yeah. It was.
Well, 400,000 soldiers died. Yeah, there's been a lot of points in American history that was worse.
Sure. Yeah, I mean, I mean, the Depression was terrible.

Speaker 2 The Great Depression. The Great One.
Right. And that's where jazz came out.
That's it. That's where jazz came out.
And that's where, yeah. Yeah.
Can you name me 10 jazz musicians? Nat King Cole.

Speaker 2 Not necessarily jazz, no.

Speaker 2 Edgar Allan Poe?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, no.

Speaker 2 Hold on. Cole Trane Johnson.

Speaker 2 John Cole Training. Yeah.
Give me that one. Okay.

Speaker 2 You ready for this one? Yeah. B.B.
King.

Speaker 2 Blues. Medgar Evers.
But that jazz. Medgar Evers, yes.

Speaker 2 He didn't play anything, but he did like a jazz music. Okay, here we go.
Maya Angelou. No, let's move on.
Let's move on. No, no, no, no no hold on you got nothing right

Speaker 2 uh

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 ray charles no

Speaker 2 oh do earnest hemingway thanks for saying ray charles i want to talk about this

Speaker 2 this we'll wrap it up with this koreans invented braille thank you yeah braille translators oh yes that's right not even

Speaker 2 they reimagined braille i saw a documentary on netflix It's the greatest night in music. I know what it was called.
Oh, yeah, I saw that. You saw We Are the World.
We are the world.

Speaker 2 And did you see it? I didn't see it. Oh, my God.
It's pretty sick. It's incredible.

Speaker 2 The way, I mean, imagine getting all those guys in one night to stay in one studio

Speaker 2 till five in the morning to lay down a track, right?

Speaker 2 After they went to the AMA awards or whatever. Oh, yeah, something like that.
Yeah, something like that, right? And the amount of talent in that room.

Speaker 2 But without Quincy Jones and Michael Jackson, right? Sure. Dude, the funniest parts was when Michael Jackson was with Lionel Richie and they're at like Michael Jackson's house, right?

Speaker 2 And Lionel Richie's like talking about something and then all of a sudden he hears like a hiss. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, like

Speaker 2 right. He goes, what the fuck is that? And then Michael Jackson goes, oh, there he is.
He's been missing for so long. And there's this gigantic boa constrictor.

Speaker 2 Right. And Lionel Richie's all freaked out.
You know what I mean? Just to think that Michael Jackson, he's just like not a normal. No, because you can't be that talented and be normal.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 One or the other.

Speaker 2 But when you watch this, though, and you're like, and you're like, yeah, there he is.

Speaker 2 He was missing for like two days, I think. But and almost ate Lionel Ridge.

Speaker 2 But yeah, but when you think of, when you see that documentary, you go, and you see him singing and stuff, you go, wow, he's so, you can just tell how talented he is. Oh, yeah, big time.
He

Speaker 2 was alleged, almost like he had autism. Yeah.
But then there's some people in there, I don't know why they were in it. Like, like,

Speaker 2 give me a name. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Um, like, why was uh uh Dan Aykroyd in it? That's true. Yeah, yeah, he's not a singer.
Yeah, yeah, what is he doing there?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you saw him in it, Huey Lewis. Well, he's a good singer, though.
Yeah, Huey Lewis is a good singer.

Speaker 2 Big celebrity, yeah, but like the one person they couldn't that almost said no was Cindy Laubert.

Speaker 2 He's like, I don't know, yeah, like, bitch, fucking Ray Charles is going, bitch, yeah, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you go, Bruce Springsteen, yeah, she's, yeah, I mean, these, a lot of these people, because it's just a little bit before my time, I don't even know who they are. Well, yeah, you do.

Speaker 2 Was Whitney Houston? Was she in it? Yeah. Okay.
Mariah Carey? No, she wasn't around then. I mean, look at me right now.
Do you know who Kenny Rogers is? Yes. Yes, I do.

Speaker 2 Give me a song.

Speaker 2 No one to hold him, no one to fold him. Fucker.

Speaker 2 Whoa, that was really fucking good. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Give me another one.
Give me another one.

Speaker 2 Deion Warwick.

Speaker 2 She does the

Speaker 2 Deion Warwick

Speaker 2 does the tarot card readings. Exactly.

Speaker 2 Bob Dylan, you know. He died in the plane crash.
No.

Speaker 2 You know, Bob Dylan. You're being jokey.
No, I swear to God. I swear I watched you.
You don't know who Bob Dylan is. I do know who Bob Dylan is.
I've heard the name. I don't know one of his songs.

Speaker 2 Let it be. What's one of his songs? Are you being fucking real, right? I swear.
I'm not even a real man. You're so dumb right now, dude.

Speaker 2 You're really upsetting the shit out of me. No, no, no.
Bob Dylan, I'm sure I know if you asked me to pick him out of the lineup, I'm sure I know. I think I could guess which one he was.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I've heard the name Bob Dylan, but I don't know one of the songs. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 2 But you know who he is.

Speaker 2 I've heard of him, but I don't know what song. You know Stevie Wonder, right?

Speaker 2 Stevie Wonder, yeah, uh, you are the sunshine of my life, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you are the sunshine of my life, you are the sunshine of my life.

Speaker 2 Um, I just called to say I love you, and then Lionel Richie. Anyway, um,

Speaker 2 what do you want to promote? Anything, uh, ChrisDcomedy.com. I got a bunch of stand-up dates up there.
Um, some are sold, selling well, some aren't. I had to cancel my shows in auction this weekend.

Speaker 2 I'm running into absolute uh ticket problems in certain markets, like what ones?

Speaker 2 On this one, this one we could pick up the pace in uh Fort Worth, Texas. But

Speaker 2 it might have happened already.

Speaker 2 I think it's going to be good. New Year's Eve in December.
Phoenix in December, I will be in Phoenix, Arizona. Stand up Live? Stand-up live.

Speaker 2 And then New Year's Eve in Miami Improv from December 28th to the 31st.

Speaker 2 I like doing my random weekends, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 But you're still away a lot because you do the movies. Yeah, I'm doing that.
But I would do different things, you know what I mean? A variety of different things.

Speaker 2 And then me and Andrew are going to do Australia and Singapore.

Speaker 2 Australia is the lowest white.

Speaker 2 I know, but that's they're my favorite.

Speaker 2 And they're, you know, how I know they're lower? Yeah. Because they're the

Speaker 2 girls that really hit on me a lot on Instagram. They love you on Instagram.
They really do. Like the hottest ones go, when are you coming, Bebe? You know what I mean? I don't know if that did accent.

Speaker 2 But anyway, thank you so much. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's great.

Speaker 2 woof,

Speaker 2 woof,

Speaker 2 woof,

Speaker 2 woof, woof,