Big Head, Little Body w/ Chris Distefano

The Jack Welch Management Institute at Strayer University helps you go from I know the way to I've arrived with our top 10 ranked online MBA. Gain skills you can learn today and apply tomorrow.
Get ready to go from make it happen to made it happen and keep striving. Visit Strayer.edu slash Jack Welch MBA to learn more.
Strayer University is certified to operate in Virginia by Shev and as many campuses, including at 2121 15th Street North in Arlington, Virginia. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
You like to do badminton? No. Okay, probably football football yeah baseball baseball basketball yes that's your thing yeah not hockey i don't really do hockey yeah i don't do hockey either i only do soccer yeah and you know why because i'm uh because you have little feet dude you want to tell zlatan ibrahimovic that he has little feet i will tell him that Dude, he's got six foot 9 feet dude He's a big guy He's not 6 foot 9 but he's tall Do you know him No dude if I saw him I would melt Really I would be like I don't know what to say to you You're from Sweden You think you would get knocked back into Korea Like Korean yeah whenever i'm around to celebrate i go back to you know korean korean guy yeah yeah but you look good i saw you yesterday joe mom i'm sorry i i you didn't take oh no i'll tell you what you did last night it was bullshit tell him what it told out of pocket yeah and insincere and deceptive and created chaos within my own life yes right and i don't like it i don't like when you come into town and you create chaos yeah and with your diabolical if you don't get me one dude chrissy cast thank you dude it looks like all cream dude it's gonna be great oh you know i'm lactose intolerant though thank you it's gonna be good it's all cream dude.
I like Carlos. Carlos is in good shape on top.
He's got a chubby little butt. Dude, he's got...
No, that's a chubby butt. It's a Brazilian butt situation.
You know what? Carlos has got a butt like a toddler butt. I've never seen a toddler's butt, but I'm taking your word.
If I pulled out a picture of my three-year-old's butt, Carlos, you wouldn't know which one is... Yo, it's just that...
How many kids just uh how many kids you have again three kids three kids yeah is one of the butts of your kids not

good what my um my my uh no they all got good butts from you yeah no no from their mom their mom has their mom has a really good butt and all my kids were born with uh tattooed lips on their ass cheeks.

Ooh.

You like that?

Do you request that or is that genetics?

It's genetics.

Whoa.

Can we go back to last night? Yeah, let's go back. So I'm at the improv.
I'm sitting there with some people, a couple of girls, some guys, you know, my agents are there too. Oh, really? And their assistants.
Yeah. Yeah.
And you come up from behind and then you kiss me on the cheek and then you try to kiss me on the lips and then you just kind of leave Right And I had to explain It took about 20 minutes To tell people that we're not gay lovers I go no dude I'm not gay They're like dude that seemed like super intimate And like you're gonna see your husband later Tonight I go he just does that We just do that And I just next time you do that In front of strangers You need to explain to people that this is not just a heterosexual.

But then I said, but then I said to you,

but then I said to you cause you told me you were sad.

And then I, and then I,

what I did was when I was kissing you and then I slapped you a little bit and

I felt like I slapped you too hard.

No, it wasn't hard.

Cause I wrote to you and you never wrote back and said, sorry,

that last slap was unintentionally too hard.

No, I know that.

That's how I was mad at the slap.

I said, I love you. It's the kisses that call me if you ever want to talk yeah yeah and then i said i prefer slaps and kisses okay but i just because i felt like you know like we have a thing where you know because i kissed you once on the head because i really missed you and then i liked the way it felt so i kissed you more and that's what it was yeah yeah i know but just kiss me once even the king gets kissed on the cheek once One time I mean if as a peasant if I got to kiss the king I'd want to kiss him more But I would only kiss him once And then you were sweating it was warm out yesterday And then I tasted cabbage on my lips for the whole The rest of the night Pickled cabbage Kimchi joke that was a really good joke Because most people just said kimchi but I want to go to the root.
Yeah, Jomon. You know what Jomon is? Jomon is, let me guess.
J-O-M-O-N. Jomon.
Jomon is, I would- They said that black guy's name. Michael Jackson.
Yeah, J-O-M-O. Scream.
What? Jomon. What? Jomon.
Pickled cabbage sliced up in a pan with egg. Then you put it with egg and grated cheese.
Then you mix it in to dough and you kind of make uh like a healthier bread that's just it's not a food oh jamon yeah yeah yeah it's one of the no jamon waynes it's the 12th waynes brother what is jamon what is jamon well i found out that jamons were the koreans before the koreans and japanese before the japanese really and they didn't look they didn't look asian so i don't know what the fuck happened they kind of looked like um they kind of look like uh let me guess like um chris o'donnell okay what's his name that's his name oh robin from batman and robin chris he's gay right what chris o'donnell is gay he's why he was gay in the movie well robin is gay that was the gayest yeah robin is yeah Well Robin is gay Is Robin gay? I think so Because he's wearing pink and yellow He's just kind of like a sidekick Well Robin's a gay bird They should have picked a different bird Like what's a good one Bird of paradise Go more gay A seagull Look at Don's gay right don de peta is my friend i like that a lot comes a lot him and i do we have a connection but you don't see him if he doesn't come with me you don't see him yeah no yeah of course not no yeah but he wants to always reach out and he doesn't feel comfortable if he could reach out to you in santino i told him he can yeah but why would you want to reach out he wants to hang out he gets lonely here and he only sees you oh that's right me Oh that's right That's right That's right Yeah Weren't you the one That back in the day Can I ask you a question Yeah Wasn't the guy The last time That got us COVID Yes That's him Yeah That's him Done yeah yeah That's on And I got And he switched his stomach Because he thought Oh I'm gonna grow This mustache To make it look More I mean? But he just grows the mustache. He doesn't grow the beard.
I told him it doesn't look good. He looks like Yosemite Sam, but gay from Hollywood.
Yeah. You still do stand-up? But you were supposed to come tonight, but you're not going to come now? You said, you told me the other day you were doing guest club.
I'll tell you what, I got invited to something else. What happened? Well, I got invited to a party That I never get invited to And I think I have to go politically What Who's the Can we Can you tell him? Tell me? Well yeah I can tell you But you know What? Why are you smiling? Carlos is about to give you a black eye Like he gave his kid one Yeah no It's This guy's Son know, Sonny? He's a showrunner for Beef.

Oh, good.

Right.

And so, you know, Ali, all these guys are-

The Asian community.

Yeah, they're going to go.

And I missed the last year.

And I, you know, got invited this year.

And I was like, I should go.

Is there one of them that you want to get out, though?

Like between like-

I don't want to go to any of them.

I don't want to go to any of them.

I go to fucking-

I went to that one event a couple-

Two months ago ago was it

asian excellence no not the asian excellence it was like the fucking golden you know i mean phoenix or whatever they fucking had yeah yeah and i went downtown they gave me a shitty table i'm with marker cho all these fucking people all the cool asians get in the front and i gotta sit there and watch presentations and see michelle yao's back of her head right i don't want to do it anymore man I'm gonna be around my people, my white, dirty whites.

I'm a dirty white more than a Korean, dude. Yeah, you are.
Yeah, I like the dirties, man. Yeah, we're good.
Faggies, dude. Yeah.
You guys are, they're not well kept. Yeah.
They're just so dirty. Yeah, because it's musky.
I'm getting sick of it, too. There's too many, it's too much, like, it's just.
Don't say there's too many Asians. Well, no, there are.
Don't say there's too many Asians. No getting sick of it too there's too many it's too much like it's don't say there's too many asians well no there are don't say there's too many no it's not there's too many asians but it's just like there's it's it's becoming a thing now where it's like we i can't get in you know what i mean you could you'll never get in i can't get into the asian thing well you'll you want to get in i do yeah i think because because if i you know me i'm all about procreating but i don't want to make more white people that's why i have pu Rican kids oh that's right but the next thing is if the things end with me with Puerto Rican I want to go to the Asians so I want to let me say something I'll make a call to George Takai I would love that hello he's still alive I go Takai what's yeah and i'd be like um are you sucking dick right now he loves it wait where's andrew why isn't he here where'd he go we both you know what's the problem with you and i yeah we both have the same mental that like it just doesn't there's no cohesive yeah i like it here's the truth it's it's half the fan base no matter what because there's andrew isn't here they shut the pot off anyway so there's really nothing i could go i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know okay well if you got if you if you're still here thank you i think maybe the reverse would be true oh if you if i know i'm kidding no let's not cut that out 40 percent yeah yeah i do find it interesting that um and can you cut this part out or no yes oh maybe all right so it's interesting that andrew called me today and he's like wait because you're doing this movie and then like you're going to cobs and this and that it's like where you're not gonna be in town we gotta back like i go oh i it's i'm sorry when you go out on and doing things right i fill in with another guy But he's never done that He's never filled in with another person When he went to Australia to do that fucking thing With the fucking good looking whites You know what I mean What's it the George Sheena Yeah yeah yeah Hugh Jackman George Sheena and the Hugh Jackman Whatever it was You know what I mean Whatever that Stakanaka Yeah George Yeah George Snakanaka What was that movie Sticky Nicky Sticky Nicky Sticky Nicky dude Yeah When he did Sticky Nicky I had to fill in four times Or whatever right He's never filled in for me When I was on the road Give me one episode He did it with Little Dicky Yes He did it one time here With Little Dicky At the last studio At the last studio He did one with Kalilah Yep Oh he did? Okay well let's move on then I actually think I believe I even co-hosted one with andrew when you weren't here well then yeah i believe i did i've been i've been mistaken yes i'm mistaken and i'm wrong yes i i want to think i did two episodes with him actually and then andrew and i seriously started talking about how maybe him and i should just do the podcast yeah okay and we started texting you and you got very upset okay well so that's a 55 anyway um yeah i'm sorry i gotta put my hair to the side but um what we're talking about right before that because you went from um batman is bisexual actually who that earned robin oh he's bisexual yeah i figured that i can feel that yeah i figured that yeah um it's an interesting um why another bird when the writers were treating batman you know i mean why does it have to be a bird a bird? Right.
You know what I mean? Because Batman's a bird. Is a bat a bird? It's a marsupial.
It's a marsupial. Oh, it's not even a bird.
Am I wrong about that? You're right. Oh, it's not a bat or a bird.
It's a mammal. Yeah.
Oh, that's interesting. Yeah.
I did not know that. Bats are mammals.
So they have pussies. Oh, yeah.
And they give birth to the pussy. Yes.
Yeah isn't that trait of a mammal yeah right i think so do you know for sure or no but it sounds right all right jamone jamone we gotta go back to jamone jamone it's not a food then yeah that's not a jamone that's a bat but anyway yeah yeah so all mammals give birth through the vag yes right so the reptiles lay eggs platypus this fucking guy there's always one yeah yeah yeah yeah what it was a man without eggs yeah there's always a caitlin jenner in the fucking he does he does kind of look like he does kind of look like a woman from the future yeah right yeah yeah like what a Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like what a woman's going to be in like 2075.
Yeah. It looked like that.
So anyway, that's interesting. So aside from the platypus, what are these? Mammals that don't lay eggs? Or they do lay eggs? They lay eggs.
So give me a mammal that lays eggs. The etchedness.
Okay, wow. What is that? Do you want to put that in a soup? It's a spice.
Me? Yeah. Oh, because I'm Asian? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You that do you want to put that in a soup it's a spot me yeah oh because i'm asian yeah yeah you know when white people say like stuff like that it really makes me mad because i'll tell you why right it's funny though i know but the thing is is that i mean poor white people eat squirrels yeah right it's like you're eating the things that are around you right in your environment it's not the chinese are going oh i heard that Austria, there's a wombat. You know what I mean? We're going to go there.
We're going to eat that. You know? If a wombat was in their backyard, they would eat it.
Right. Right? But they're not, like, going out to, like, eat weird things.
They're just, you know, surviving based on the land. But we've evolved to, like, Burger King.
Right. Right.
And what I want to say is that, what is that thing called? This Akadena?ina yeah i bet you that meat is better than a burger like a big mac oh yeah like uh like if you ate um what they were saying in um with the in wuhan they were eating um what is the pandalins or something like that what does wuhan have anything to do with it and why are you doing this dude i don't like with this you know on tiktok you know you know the hand gestures yeah to have power over the room yeah i know when you guys do that so stop doing that because you're not that doesn't work with me yeah all this stuff that you're trying to do with your hands to like this to grab like dominance like this yeah yeah yeah don't do this i know what that means dude yeah i'm kidding that's okie dokie yeah no they anyway this these types of things yeah yeah yeah because that thing whatever that thing is yeah it's just all up in their trees and shit yeah it's disgusting i thought that was jeremiah watkins i know what you're saying yeah yeah he has one of those he's got that nose that look i saw him yesterday he's great he's an underdeveloped white he is an underdeveloped yeah yeah like there's a couple of he should have been been the oven for a couple more yeah when i see when i look when i see him every time i see him i go seven months oh yeah yeah he went out seven months yeah he goes why you mean he tapped out yeah he's tapped out but he's funny yeah well that's interesting yeah yeah he is underdeveloped but you know you have whites in new york that are undeveloped as well yeah yeah yeah we but but i but i do think if if you're going to take the an american white gillis shane gillis his face is underdeveloped underdeveloped yeah but brain or but but his brain is is developed well but his face is underdeveloped it's as much as his face was in the womb for too long yes yeah he was baked for too long it looks like it looks like he was eyes when you know he started bubbling yeah it's like it's like god was making him and you know he had like that soft dough a beautiful thing. Just at the last minute, he just like, he started bubbling.
It's like God was making him and, you know,

he had like that soft dough, a beautiful thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just at the last minute, he just like that, right on his face.

Oh, right.

He just smushed it.

He dropped it.

Yeah, he dropped it out of the oven.

He just smushed it a little bit like that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

But he said, but as he was going, I said, I feel bad.

He goes, let me make him a comic genius.

And he went like that.

Oh, give him that gift.

Because he said his face is, I fucked up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

How about me?

He forgot that. I don't think that.
He forgot what? The sprinkle The sprinkle yeah On me? Yeah Wait wait wait I'm sorry Andres You're saying I'm sprinkless? Yeah Hey fuck you man Yeah You think they forgot the sprinkles on me? I think yeah I think he put you in a walk And he just Yeah yeah Yeah I think with you I think with you dude Yeah Is that he goes I want to make a good looking white Right Because sometimes he's in that mood Yeah Right He says well watch I'm going to spend five hours right Yeah But then he's like Couldn't finish it then He had to do something else Right Maybe there was a hurricane He had to deal with right Yeah So he goes hey Mom Joe Right some guy That works there He goes put in the brain And Mom Joe Mom Joe went to the right Wrong department Yeah You know what I mean He went to the, hey, Mom Joe, right, some guy that works there, he goes, put in the brain. And Mom Joe, Mom Joe went to the wrong department.

You know what I mean?

He went to like the fat, incel-y, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

With the weird guy department.

Yeah.

He went, maybe this one, right?

And he put in the brain, sent you down, and then God was mad, like, what the fuck, Mom

Joe?

Yeah.

You know?

Because then once he puts you down the chute, he can't take you back.

He can't take you back.

That's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So now I'm stuck, you're saying, with kind of a dumb incel brain but yeah but still bright it's it's crazy it's crazy well because you know people that don't have the good look you know you know a lot of comics that don't have the look yeah right a lot of them don't make it right but they still have the brain right but then they you know right you know what why are you saying right i'm just listening yeah but I don't even know What I'm saying Why would you say right Because I'm connected to you Dude we're so connected We are dude Jomon Jomon Go back to Jomon Okay let me take another guess At what it is You're saying it's not a food Yeah Did you tell me what it was already I think I did What did you say No you have to What the fuck Do to.
What the fuck? Do you not listen? Okay. So did I say it already? No.
Oh, I didn't. Oh, okay.
It's not cabbage bread. What was it? It was the people before.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did say it. Yeah.
I did say it. Thank you so much.
I did say it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they were the original people, but they didn't look Asian.
Well, there's also a group of people called Yayoi, which was no really Yayoi's, think they mixed together and they came out with i don't know yeah you always date there we go there we go so the jomon's are to the left does that look asian yes of course that was the left yeah that looks more like i don't know like kazakhstan really to the oh to the left yeah that guy okay the guy closest to carlos is joman no the one no the one close right yeah carlos is that's yayoy yeah yayoy is gooky yeah okay yeah yayoy so yayoy so they're saying that the koreans actually came from the first one to the left combination of the two that's crazy yeah that that i don't see how that how that one yeah works because the one on the left just looks like Hasan Minhaj. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Yeah, I thought that he had a Netflix one-man show, that guy. But then the Asian one, the Asian one, I could tell that looks like a very handsome young Korean boy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks good.
But I'm just wondering, you know, that's probably over years of crossbreeding too, probably. Yeah, of course.
I mean, we all have a little bit of everyone everyone in us that's why culture to me is so silly when people try to defend their culture it's like whatever your culture is today it's because it was into your ancestors uh hundreds and hundreds of years ago by the enemy so stop saying we're all just one culture you and i are are more we are more joe we're joma yeah i'm getting kind of into history myself and i realize that um you know civilizations the they can evolve is through war. That's it.
You know what I mean? And conquer. Because then you absorb other cultures into your and it actually improves you know what I mean? A civilization.
That's a Jomon. That's a Jomon.
Okay, that right there. That kind of looks That does.
That actually to be honest with you. Like Steve Burn.
I was just going to yeah that's like kind of that's a semi-asian yeah yeah you could see him wear a suit and do practical jokes yeah yeah like that that guy i could see that whatever he's doing that guy i could see i could see him i don't know what the fuck steve is doing lately but that's what he's doing lately that's what he's yeah i could bring a suit wearing doing fucking politics politics yeah yeah i could see him on tbs that guy looks like he's with this guy right here yeah that's a tbs yeah yeah yeah he looks um but that's joman he looks little too he looks like a tiny little asian he looks like um you know like uh the russian dolls like how they have they get smaller like you look like you'd be the top oh yeah oh yeah let me say i have some at home yeah it's a bigger one and you open it up and it's a more how many how many openings am i no no i'm saying we'll start with you and then that little guy oh i'm the big one that's the yeah all right oh so you open open somebody for openings exactly that wow exactly yeah yes that's what i think yeah he's he's the little one he's the one you get to right and the deepest layer that's really what that's who you look like on the inside that's who's always mad but also notice that's who makes the's who makes the mistakes. But notice, based on that photo, what have we taken from that Koreans that are still like that? That Koreans, right? Still have.
Still have. Based on that photo.
The same exact facial hair as you? No. Big head.
We were big-headed people. Big head, little body.
Yes. Yes.
I find that to be very interesting. And you know what? There's no shame in that because Tom Cruise has a big head.
He does. A lot of the male, like Steve McQueen, all of the male leading movie stars had big heads and little bodies.
And what's great about Koreans is they're a stinkless agent. Stinkless agent.

You've talked about it many times on this program.

They don't smell at all.

They don't smell at all.

You don't have a gene that could even make you smell.

And yet I still wear the cologne.

But why?

Because I like mysterious smells.

Right.

And I like when people walk by me and go, ooh, where were you?

And that's not even like cologne, they say.

Were you in like a war?

Were you mining or something like that right you know what about cigarettes when you smoke cigarettes do you squat down as low as you can or do you smoke standing up just give me a second yeah yeah i'm just gonna you know i'm gonna go past that you know I'm gonna pretend that never happened I'm gonna go past it like a detour yeah Juman yeah Juman to you what do you mean because a lot of Asian people what they like to do is they like to swat down as much as they can with their asshole as. With their asshole as close to the floor as possible.
Can I ask you a question then? Yes. Guy, right? Could it be that there's no chairs around? Whatever the reason is, it's just something that they do.
If there's no chairs around your place, would you squat down? No. What would you do? Just stand? Yeah.
I would do calf raises. I have Viking blood.
So you would stand. How about to eat? Still stand? I always stand and eat.
Okay. Why? Digestion? Yeah.
Digestion? I like to stand up and eat. Okay.
Yeah. I like to.
And then we do that. That's what it is.
Yeah. So that to me, if I was.
Hawaii starts with the same aloha we share with each other extended to you. Hawaii starts with a cabin crew that takes care of you like ohana.
Hawaii starts here with Hawaiian Airlines. Visit hawaiianairlines.com to book your next vacation.
Last week was our first playoff game and my plaque psoriasis was so itchy under all my gear. Sometimes just thinking about scratching could take me out of the moment.
And then my doctor told me I could get clearer skin with a pill called Otesla. Otesla apremolast is a prescription medicine used to treat adult patients with plaque psoriasis for whom phototherapy or systemic therapy is appropriate.
Otesla can help you get clearer skin after just four months. Okay, ready for the next game.
Talking to my doctor about a pill was a total game changer. Don't use Otesla if you're allergic to it.
Get medical help right away if you have trouble breathing or swallowing, swelling of the face, lips, tongue, throat, or arms.

Severe diarrhea, nausea, or vomiting, depression, suicidal thoughts, or weight loss can happen. Tell your doctor if any of these occur and if you have a history of depression or suicidal thoughts.

Live in a moment. Ask your doctor about Otesla.

Call 1-844-4OTESLA or visit Otesla.com for prescribing info, info about cost, and more. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.
Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name Your Price Tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it at Progressive.
casualty insurance company and affiliates price and coverage match limited by state law not available in all states if if if somebody said chris i want you to draw an asian person that's what i exactly what i draw right i would i wonder why that is i've never really thought about it's only the asian culture because because a lot of cultures smoke cigarettes but not only the Asians will squat down with their asshole hovering no more than an inch off the floor. As you can tell, we read that way too.
But it's a beautiful thing. You have hip flexibility, Bobby, is directly related to longevity of life.
So the more flexible your hips are, which this man has got very flexible hips, the longer he'll live. Yeah.
So you do have good hip flexibility. Is that a true thing flip wait flip flexibility wait sorry hip flexibility i mixed up the two hip flexibility it's yes equates to longevity longevity of life because flexibility overall they think that the actual like key to longevity now is flexibility is the biggest thing that that that actually is one of the root causes of health problems is how stiff you are are you flexible no not as flexible as i can be but i've been trying to do hot yoga i've been trying to um stretch every day i've been trying to do uh core work yeah i've been uh listening to um uh andrew huberman i've been listening to uh is he a good guy no oh i don't know him you know i just listen to his stuff but you know a lot of people not as much as i let me ask you something i don't know how i'm a little bit disconnected i'm not as plugged in as you that's not true um no it's true if you're doing a gig have there been like famous people that come to your king of your gig i don't get that not one time time.
Unfortunately, no. Not one time a famous person? Not very.
I mean, unless I knew them before. Of course that.
I mean, I'm not going to be on the road and all of a sudden John Cougar Mellencamp is going to go, hey, are you in Indiana? I know I don't know you, but come eat a pork sandwich. No, unfortunately, I don't have any.
Yeah, because in Indiana, right, pork sandwiches are huge, right? What do you call them? The tenderloin, pork tenderloin sandwiches. So when you laugh like that, dude, that's a mockery of my own thoughts.
And I want you to stop that immediately. Yeah.
Okay? You almost killed us four years ago. Yes.
All right? And I have not forgotten about that. Yeah.
All right? Murder, dude. so um interesting to me but i never get no i never get any famous people that come unfortunately you there's got to be one time where like someone that anybody how about famous comics no not really i never get like the people who oh just so-and-so wants to come back to the green room and say hello.
It's never happened to me once. Really?

No.

Unfortunately.

Something's not connecting with my comedy.

No, I don't think that's what it is.

No, no, it is.

It is.

No, I'm telling you.

You're so aloof, you have no idea what the fuck is going on.

No, Bobby, I'm telling you.

I'm telling you.

Something's not connecting.

I don't know what is.

I don't think I'm not funny, but something, the general public is looking at me and just

saying no overall.

No, that's, oh my God.

I'm telling you it's true.

No, look at the numbers. When we were in Vegas.
Look at my YouTube numbers. When we were in Vegas.
Look at the numbers. That's not the numbers.
We were in Vegas, right? You were the one that goes, hey, let's go sit next to Jimmy Kimmel. Okay.
I don't know Jimmy Kimmel. But he doesn't come to my shows.
I know, but you know him. Yeah.
All right. What other celebrities you know then? Jimmy Kimmel.
Yeah. Chaz Palminteri.
Oh, you see, I don't don't know chas palmentary yeah you've hung out with him yes chas palmentary i know he's a huge star yeah big time legend legend yeah yeah yeah this is when i was going through my glasses phase yeah i hate that guy really good my side myself i'm talking about i hate that guy with the glass who else do you know that um I know now what's

when I ask no not really anybody okay when i ask no what is no like for instance um someone that you've met before or is it somebody that's in your life that's the confusing part because i've met a lot of people but for me to say that i know them is a different thing, right? Yeah, like only people that I know Chaz Pimentary. I know.
You've talked. We go to each other's houses.
Like Chaz Pimentary was almost my little daughter's godfather. Oh, what happened? He got beat out? Yeah.
Who beat him out? We had to. Well, who beat him out initially was Jasmine's uncle, Jerry, T.T.
Jerry. Okay, okay.
That's who beat him out was chas but and it was good about it well no because what we decided was because he's trans so tt jerry is actually the godfather godmother at the same time we just did it once yeah yeah yeah yeah you can get a double combo that's good that's it yeah so he's the godfather and the godmother wow but chas so so um but chas is the only guy that he he's i know he's old school he's old school but he lives in your area? no he lives about an hour away we see him on the weekends we go pumpkin picking with his family oh so it's so close then my girl and his wife are like very close they talk all the time is Chaz he's working a lot still right? old school work yeah he's old school Hollywood yeah he's one of the best he doesn't have to like call he doesn't have a pr person he just walks up to like a night unusual suspects one of my favorite movies the the bouncers chas palmitary is known by almost every black person knows chas palmitary and they love him he's their favorite amongst black people chas palmitary is up there with their favorite white he might be their favorite white person is with the blacks because bronx tail yeah he's like 20th on the asians yeah they don't yeah so he's really low Yeah and he would be Even lower if you Dad you know Chaz Parliamentary Chaz Not even close Yeah Chaz Parliamentary Chaz Yeah Right He wouldn't know And you're like Are you even listening I'm listening to you Yeah Right He doesn't know He doesn't know Yeah. In fact, my dad couldn't say a lot of things.
No. You know, Samuel L.
Jackson. Samuel Jok.
Yeah, yeah. Samuel Jokman.
Yeah, Jokman. I know Jokman.
My people. But he doesn't know much.
He doesn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give me another. What's a harder one? Benicio Del Toro.
Oh, forget about it. Yeah.
Dad, you know Benicio Del Toro? I look like I'm Totoro.

Right? No, not even close.

My dad wouldn't even know, like,

you know, I go, name me one Beatles song. He doesn't even know

what the fuck you're talking about.

He's out. He's out of culture.

Like, there's nothing. Yeah.
Have you seen

a movie? I've never seen a movie.

He doesn't know what

Wizard of Oz

doesn't know what it is. Yeah.

If I explain it to him, I don't like

I'll see a movie. He doesn't know what.
Wizard of Oz. He doesn't know what it is.
You know what I mean? If I explain it to him, I don't like. There's a wizard a lot.
I don't like a lion. I don't like a tin tin.
A tin man. I don't care.
You know what I mean? He doesn't know. So what would he watch then? What did he like? That's the thing.
Fucking nothing. In fact, two weeks before he died.
Right? This this is a sad story i've said this story before but but i never but it's a different experience with me you never go down the same river twice what so i'm saying even if you say sorry again it's a different day different audience different you never go you never step in the same river twice but people do no but then but it's flowing water so you never so it's technically if there's a river by your house you've probably been in there no no you step in you know where i learned that from ancient Joman Prover. No, but it's flowing water.
So you never... So it's technically a difference.
If there's a river by your house,

you've probably been in there by the place.

No, you step in.

You know where I learned that from?

Ancient Joman proverb.

Oh, really?

Joman.

Oh, yeah.

Well, then they were dumb.

Yeah.

Because it makes no sense.

But anyway, maybe not too... I want to make...

See, sometimes I exaggerate.

So I want to be...

Be honest.

I want to be completely honest.

Be honest.

Be accurate.

A year before my dad died.

Okay.

I would have to say. My brother and I were in his house in phoenix chandler arizona and he was um resorted he's in a wheelchair now can't walk because he got hit by a truck right or something didn't isn't that didn't no no no stroke or didn't your grandmother get run over by a tank yeah yeah yeah no aunt did yeah that's what you remember yeah yeah sometimes i think about it like in the shower yeah yeah yeah

my aunt got run over by a tank yeah yeah it's what a weird thing to memorize

wow that's what i'll tell people fun facts about yeah yeah i mean the most traumatic in my family's

history you know but um a year before my dad died, my brother and I were at home, and we were talking about music, and he goes, I don't like music, right? I go, we're asking him questions about music. He doesn't know anything about it.
Right. I go, have you ever heard a song? And he goes, sometimes I go out, you know, I see, I hear, I hear, you know, in the, you know, outside.
You know what I mean? In the mall. When I'm in the mall.
You know what I mean? Because one of his stores is in a mall. But he doesn't know what it is.
Like, he doesn't listen to it. Right.
To him, it's just like birds chirping. Right.
You know what I mean? Or like planes crashing. You know what I mean? There's no difference.
So what would he do for entertainment? So my brother and guy goes, we want you to listen to this i put my little you know i mean um airpods in his ear we played him let's the most like universally you know and it was uh tears in heaven by eric clapton right and he's listening to it and then tears starts coming down his face And he goes That's beautiful It was unbelievable There it is 80 years Never heard a song before Right It's like We're like running into a primal A tribe In some island right Yeah He has access to everything But he doesn't You know what I mean That's basically who he is Did you tell him what it was about i said yeah um eric clapped him to get cocaine and kill this kid that's not what happened no no you know actually what happened i know what happened tell him what happened so there was some sort of party or something at his house this is already wrong yeah there were people there though this is wrong go ahead i literally googled it the other day okay Okay. Right.
Okay. Go on.
And then he fell off a window, out of a window. Okay.
So the window part's right there. No.
Yeah. So no, what happened was.
Wait. No, but let me tell you the story first so you could fact check it.
Okay. So what happened was is he left his baby with their nanny and they let the kid like used to run up and down the hallway, like in his apartment building in new york and they lived on whatever the 14th or 15th floor and the maintenance worker had left the window at the end of the hallway open which was like a floor-to-ceiling window because they were like cleaning it and the kid thought he was running he had always ran to that window and touch it and ran back and he just ran through the window wow that's insane yeah that's that's what it says online yeah yeah i was wrong yeah that's what i i don't think i would i don't think i'd ever come back from that no he came uh no i think and then but i think he did come back i think he then just no yeah he wrote tears of heaven i'm just saying me i think i think yeah yeah yeah he did proactive things i'm just saying if it happened to me i think that it would what's best special you would win best special i would come with a great special i don't know man i think you would it would take me years to even get back to any form of normalcy but what what would it take like if i killed one of your cats like right like how would what would be to that to you? Like who would I have to kill for you to feel that, to kind of motivate you to write the

special of your life?

Who would have to die right in front of you?

Wow.

What a question.

Thank you.

It would have to be a four man death.

A four man?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

For me to motivate me to make the best special in the world.

Like what?

The producers in here and Andrew, everybody would have the whole bad. No, no, have to be my brother okay my mother okay andrew okay and kalilah all four of them had a diet simultaneously at the same time for me to go to feel completely lost right of like oh i'm gonna kill myself or i would definitely not stay sober no it'd be too traumatic for me right and i would probably um disappear for a very long time but i had to go through a bender so i already thought about it so i would liquefy i would liquefy i would sell my house because he secretly hopes it happens no i don't secretly hope that happened i do the same thing i hope i don't secretly hope it happens i hope everyone i just have a i just have like an out i know but right it's a fantasy so i would sell my mom's house right maybe not sell mine i would like try to lick like i have some other real estate i would probably sell okay i would get as much cash as i can right and i would probably get um i've never tried fentanyl okay so i would just get like high grade fentanyl right I would get as much cash as I can Right And I would probably get I've never tried fentanyl

Okay

So I would just get like

High grade fentanyl

Right

I would get

All the liquor in the world

We

It's just the whole thing

Shrooms

Acid

Everything

Right

And I would probably go into

Like a place like

Butte, Montana

Because I was just there

And so when I was walking around

Butte, Montana

I was going

Oh that's where I die

Right

In my mind

You know what I mean

Right

Like I found spots

Like there's a mine

Like abandoned mines

Thank you. Because I was just there And so when I was walking around Butte Montella I was going oh that's where I die Right You know what I mean Like I found spots Like there's my Like abandoned mines Yeah so I was just being in an abandoned mine Yeah I mean with my overalls Yeah No shirt underneath it No Right And I know already that your nipples You have strands of hair that come out of your nipples Exactly And I would not shave them No They would be like out Right Just swirling around Yes swirling around.
Yes. In the wind.
Yeah. Right.
I would have a bandana on my head. Right.
I'd put one of those football kind of black, you know what I mean? Yeah. Well, you know how Batman did like, you know what I mean? Yeah.
Dark Knight. Yeah.
Because he has to put the mask on so he wants this area to be. Right.
He wants this area to be dark. Right.
So I had no mask. I just have that with the bandana.
I would look really wicked. Awesome.
And I would just party till I gave out, I think. So you're saying you wouldn't write a special? But then if I survive that.
No, but no, I'm just telling you what I would go through. And then it would be like, I think, I wonder who would try to find me.
A raccoon. Yeah.
I think I'm just telling you what I would go through Right Okay And then it would be like I think I wonder who would try to find me A raccoon Yeah I think Wait wait No I Wait wait wait Wait wait What I'm saying is When I I just said Who in my life would try to find me And you're fucking saying A raccoon would Yeah I think Andres would I think Andres would be the one Who would try to find you Because he would see if you were still alive so you could do the ad reads oh right right yeah he would say that they well this would be over if andrew died right this would be over a tiger belly would be over no i don't know if it'd necessarily be over i could i could slide in for half the price yeah yeah we would just yeah i could kind of i don't think i don't think i would be i'd relocate no issue i don't think i would be able to do it i think we you'd pick up the pieces. But anyway, so if your three children, your wife all died, right? Oh, my gosh.
Is that too much? Whatever, we're in it. We're in it, we're in it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? And you're like, you know what I mean? They, them, uncle. Yes.
Yeah, yeah. Came in.
Which is all- No, he's out. He's dead, too.
Okay, he's dead. Yeah, yeah, but he dies from other things.
Right. I'll tell you that right now.
Yeah that right now yeah yeah you know what i'm talking about 100 yeah philadelphia style but anyway um yep oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah lesions you know what i'm saying yeah yeah absolutely and so um what would you do so i'm i'm the i'm the cop you're on the road okay Okay. Hello, Mr.
Stefano. Hi.
Hi. How are you, officer? Excuse me? Am I talking to Christopher Stefano? That's me.
Yeah. How you doing? Are you a cop? You're an officer.
I'm Sheriff Wilson. Hey, Sheriff Wilson.
How are you? Ozark County. Oh, I like it here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.
Look, I didn't realize that you were a sheriff in Ozark. I didn't think they did that here.
I'm calling you. Oh, okay.
This is not a FaceTime. Oh, I thought that you were physically.
No, no, no, no. Oh, if I physically saw you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you want me to physically see you? Well, I just thought because I was like, it would be weird if you're the sheriff of Ozark County and you're a small Korean man. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It wouldn't work. Yeah.
But you would say that even if that was the case yeah i think i would because i get i i have a nice rapport with the police yeah but i'd be like why are you being racist well i would just i think it would just be my attempt because i'd be very nervous to be my attempt well then my explanation would be during the civil war you know then some chinese moved here right to the ozarks right 99.9 percent of people moved out but my family wanted to stay we owned a chinese restaurant right i mean over you know hundreds of years right and you know my family and i decided to break away from the chinese food industry and become a sheriff yeah what's the problem i decided to break away from the chinese look at that and become there i am dude there actually yeah see that that that looks like that's not full asian though that's half No, that's full agent. That's Joman.
No, that's not Joman, dude. See, that looks like...
That's not full Asian, though.

That's half white.

No, that's full Asian. That's Jomon.

No, that's not Jomon, dude.

That's Jomon.

No, the reason why...

He has to look like that.

Right.

Because if he doesn't look like that

and he looks like me, he's dead.

Right.

He has to assimilate as much as he can.

A little bit.

Yeah.

He had to push his eyes up.

At night, he's just with his fingers like this

trying to stretch him out. You know what I mean? Yeah.
You know what i mean you know remember in um uh that movie um clockwork orange the little mechanism yes the metal you know a little mechanism that's what he does that's what he does anyway um so anyway hi hi so um like i said i'm sergeant um sheriff sheriff wilson wilson that's right from the oz Yeah. Yeah.
I'm sorry to inform you, but your wife and your children died in a fire. Oh.
Yeah. Yeah.
Damn. Yeah.
What? That's it? Where? No, where? That's what? Damn. Where? Your house, sir.
Oh. say and you're and you're they them all died no he died outside of the house from something else right yes okay he was but there was bubbling so what i would do a bubbling bubbles on his skin you know it looked sexual you know what i mean yeah it was it's his sexual vibes we've not even seen before but he was just like help me right and we just shot him between the forehead yeah you know what i mean because there's nothing that's well because the cdc had to get involved right yes right you know me and it's we don't know what you know but it looked like some and we're not sure yeah and sexually a sexual disease aka like ebola right right and his dick was missing it was right and we And we have to be careful.
And we have to be careful because he did die within the, he did die in the property. Introducing the new Volvo XC90 with seven seat versatility, Google built in, and advanced safety features for all your precious cargo.
The new Volvo XC90 designed for life. Visit volvocars.com slash US to learn more.
Of a Korean person's backyard, and they could eat him. They would eat him.
Interesting how you switch. That is true.
If it's in your backyard, they eat it. Well, it is true.
Your neighbors are Korean, and half his body was on the Korean's lawn. Yes.
Luckily, the Korean family did not eat him. Right.
But the rule is in Korean law, if you die on my property, you are food. You know what, what so it's very unusual to tell somebody that their three kids and their wife died and is more obsessed with the uncle of where his position of his body is yes because my thought because what i would immediately think about is like it's cat you're a cannibal but are you using chopsticks to eat them i know but that's i'm telling you that your wife and your three children that would that would not even okay so honestly what i would do i'd be i i would take a minute what i would probably do honestly is i would probably do is because i wouldn't be able to live you know more than an hour without them so i would be like i'm not going to live anymore but what i would honestly do if i'm being completely honest yeah honest i would take it in obviously be horrified upset i would say i'm killing myself tonight but before i do that i do want to at least have sex one more time and I would get a prostitute in Ozark I would honestly I'd get a prostitute and then I'd get a gun or any me and then I'd take my own life but I would have sex with a random prostitute one time no condom okay okay okay yeah that's what you would do yeah and I'd pay her you know whatever most people would would have just called other family members and express their grief yeah well there's nothing really my family's gonna help me you you know my nothing's gonna help me do you know that your friends can help you through that yeah you don't know no no no no no how could they what what is what could they possibly tell me that would make me better well i mean can we just take it one day at a time first i would say i know chris this is how you feel right now and i can't imagine what you're going through right but can you do it tomorrow sex with the prostitute No, no, this is how you feel right now.
And I can't imagine what you're going through. Right.
But can you do it tomorrow? Have sex with a prostitute? No, no. Oh.
Yeah. And, you know what I mean? No, I would say this is also my last night on Earth.
But I'm going to go out and have sex with multiple prostitutes. Okay, okay.
Well, now there's two. Well, honestly, if you want to just be honest with you, just because I know that I'm dying that day, I would maybe would maybe get one male one female and just just to feel it because even though i make a lot of gay jokes i've never done anything gay like that well that's interesting that would you have sex with me then yes i would but you know what through the love that you you and i make it might want to make you live that's true because you know i make you giggle yeah because you know what it is you look like you have even though i know you know you have a clean body like i bet you having sex with you it's like the you like the inside of your body looks like a doll that's oh my god probably the nicest is everyone else yeah you have clean thank you you have a clean ass and that's that's the truth yeah it is amen and no hair no hair on your body very little pubes no ass hair yeah yeah That's a morbid thing to even think of i'm so sorry that we i don't even know how why we went down that path well the thing is with you when i'm with you i'm just gonna kind of go where you leave me yeah but i'm trying but i thought i felt like you love it is i felt like you love me there no this is did i lead him there or did he yeah what eric clapton oh we went from music that's the thing with you yeah yeah it you know we talk about one thing right and it goes into that i don't know why i guess i did lead you down there what i like to do we go back to eric clap like you do the reverse rate yeah you lead the trail of tears and i follow yeah yeah whoa yeah is that a vietnam reference uh no native america native america that's right yeah yeah yeah which is i'm i am not no but i mean you know yeah yeah it's whatever no no's just whatever.
It's not just whatever. It was a tragic time.
It was. Can you explain to me what happened at the Crusades? Because I don't know anything.
Whenever like I talk to, no, honestly, whenever I talk to people about religion and they go, why don't you believe in God? I go, I always say, oh, the Crusades. Just as a blanket statement.
Right. And then they go, oh, yeah, that's right.
You know what I mean? And I just kind of move on but i don't really know what i'm talking about it's the religious war the christians versus the muslims oh so is that what happened that was it big time they fought a lot over ancient turkey the the you know christianity thought that their religion was the best turkey uh muslims thought theirs was you know what the interesting thing is about won the crusades uh nobody really knows knows i mean i would say really kind of the christians but that's because but i have christian tattoos all over my body i'm actually fighting in the modern day crusade wow okay yeah yeah and yeah we're going up against the church of latter-day saints tomorrow that's our match oh i'll be winning yeah thank you yeah um but uh you know what's interesting is i read a book about it and they said that you would think that the muslims right because you hear like these things like oh it's a very racist thing right now to be like oh you'll hear like oh you do muslims dirty whatever it's that's all that's all such a bullshit bullshit it's a racist thing all the muslims i know are clean no no right because because it's because it's racism because because what would happen is is actually the muslims were so well uh was so educated so hygienic they had science hundreds of years before the christians were the christians christians came in kind of gangly disgusting they the muslim people said they could smell the christian army coming from miles away because they were dirty filthy heathens right where muslims were high science education astronomy astronomy yeah all that dancing with the stars yeah yeah they did it everything wow yeah they had it all yeah podcasts yeah what did the muslims invent back then that we still use today without the muslims what would we not have algebra that's huge the arabic it's a big one numeral the numeral are numbers arabic numbers oh okay let's go let's just zoom in yep hospital muslims and vet coffee bro look at this every time i was thank you allah every time i take a sip i say praise be it allah yeah there's another one algebra is huge hospitals bro had disgusting teeth. Yeah, because look at the English.
Deodorant. Yeah, yeah.
Smelling spices. You know what most of the wars, crusades were over? Salt.
Whoa. Everybody wanted each other salt.
Clocks, bro? They invented clocks, bro? They invented clocks. That's legit, dude.
Optics, university. I haven't even heard of windmills.
Yeah. Yeah.
Beheading. Beheadings are on there yeah that's good um that's interesting

crank what's oh yeah the crank wow what is crank can i street drug i know a little statistic i read the other day tell me a black kid invented the doorknob yeah Did you know that?

Google it.

That's that guy.

That guy invented the door fucking knob dude what the hell were they doing before they were difficult to open you know i mean but he made it you know and he made no money off of it he's just wow yeah people just stole it from him like oh wow i could have thought of that and just took it from him that's very oh, wow. I could have thought of that.
And just took it from him. That's very interesting.
But that guy invented it. What's his name? Osborne Dorsey.
Osborne Dorsey. Fucking.
Invented a doorknob. Yeah.
The Dorsey knob, they should call it. Yeah, the Dorsey knob.
Thank you because I use doorknob still to this day. Yeah.
Because every door was like a saloon door then back then. You just have to push it open.
Oh, right. I guess.

And he was able to find the little mechanics and little interviews of that.

That's incredible.

Yes.

Yes.

Osborne Dorsey, African-American man who invented the doorknob and the doorstop in December of 1878. Well, doorstop seems like somebody would figure that out.

Right.

And he was born a slave.

I mean, right.

He became freed.

He became a freed person.

Wait, wait.

He invented it while he was enslaved?

He was born into slavery.

And then he says he became a freed slave.

So I'll see you next time. freed he became a freed free person wait wait he invented it while he was enslaved he was born into slavery and then he says he became a freed slave so i don't know oh and then after he was able to yes imagine all the things they could have invented if they weren't slaves i know think about that right like you know creams or whatever exactly no i agree i think about that racist sure yeah you can say it though you're You can't really.
Yeah. It doesn't matter.
I don't know that Asians, even though Asians are the most racist pound for pound people, we whites get the worst, but Asians are. I mean, it's horrifying how racist are amongst each other.
I don't know. I mean, I've heard that been said and that's really, there's no evidence to back that up.
I mean, the... The what? I mean, the Chinese, you know, they came in and they, Japanese came in and they were bayonetting Chinese babies and killing them they all hate each other they think the koreans are you know well koreans are the top china's the top one then then japan then korea then vietnam then laos right i mean i don't know why there's a ranking but um if i were if well if you would technically if i were if i were the rank it i have i have my own rank well you see if you want to hear the to our meetings.
Oh, your white meetings. Okay.
Well, then explain to me why based on the rankings. China's the number one.
Why? Biggest, most populous. But you're just basing it on geography, right? The size of mass.
No, and people. I mean, yeah.
And how much real estate they own. Okay, but it's still based on the land, right? I want to get into like know i mean what they've invented and and you know well china invented everything what china was the one that they all gunpowder yes gunpowder spaghetti spaghetti yeah really spaghetti yeah oh chinese yeah um the finger trap yeah yeah yeah finger trap's a good one yes that's a really good one Yeah.
else did they uh you said uh how about um uh warfare on horses right chinese yeah um they also invented um what's the thing chariot no plow no I forgot what to go But I'll act it out How many people Yeah, rickshaw Rickshaw That's what it is Thank you so much Oh, they invented alcohol That's a huge one That's a big one Dude, that's like One of the number one thing Yeah Yeah, yeah Noodles Silk That's incredible They said Wait, I've said Chinese invented toothbrushes too yeah yeah yeah let's get down what is going on what's going on there come on it's them claiming it though that's what we are made about what how do you know look at my kid whatever i don't know why would they they're so clean yeah yeah all right so let's go to koreans what do koreans invent probably not much let's do koreans um let's see whether they invent um uh let's see what are koreans possibly invent k-pop all right uh infection control robot what now we're gonna get we're getting to the future they're like oh we'll fuck the past we need you know everybody have an infection yeah yeah man we need a robot to do that yeah yeah bra that Braille translation That's nice That's helpful That's huge Yeah Software that predicts cardiac arrest Dude you know how sometimes You're watching a movie And you go God I wish this wrapped around I wish it wrapped around My whole body They invented the wrapar. Smart glasses reimagined.
Yeah. They didn't even invent the smart glasses.
We are reimagining it. Yeah.
It's insane. That's just software that predicts cardiac arrest.
Oh, that's a good one. Oh, look at this one.
Inflatable isolation wards. Really? You know how isolation wards are so on the ground? Yeah.
so stern and yeah i mean they put you in an isolation ward and they push you down the river yeah yeah wow that's incredible so we didn't really invent anything a flexible screen tv yeah yeah it's one of those things where we took other inventions and made it better but that's okay that's that's what you're good at right that's what we were good at here's some look smartphone, 3D hologram, recharging roads for electric vehicles. That's pretty big.
Because I think that we only got into the game of that. Jaygon Goo, an automated self-striking water clock.
What? We invented that? Yeah. I have four Jaygon Goos, dude.
I have four of them at home. Yeah, yeah's good though that's incredible let's go to now let's go now this is great let's go to vietnamese because we're ranking the asians right so yeah yeah what are the vietnamese yes let me let's guess before trail and by the way okay just know what's gonna happen you know what's gonna happen by the way too is people are gonna say that you're allowing me a white person to make fun of asian culture and all that stuff all right push pause for a second all right let's let's talk about that real quick okay i want to talk about that right now okay i make fun of whites so much and their culture i really do and and a lot of my friends make fun of my culture, right?

But Korean isn't my culture.

I'm an American.

I was born here.

I have the same sensibilities as everyone else.

You know, I don't know.

I mean, I like the food.

I do feel like when I'm around my Korean friends,

it does feel a little different in terms of like

shared American experiences that we bond into. But I love you so so much i know there isn't a racist bone in your body and we what we do is it's healing for us it's a pleasure to do what we do it i think it's healthy you know i mean to out of love make fun of each other and this is this is to me not a bad thing you know i think it's a positive thing i think this is what dock workers did back in the day when like you have different cultures at a dock right and they didn't know that each other's languages and they made fun of each other's mustaches or the way someone talked and they would all laugh drink a beer at the pub or whatever and was there a way of bonding bonding? So I don't think it's a bad thing.
I don't think you've ever said anything racist. You've never said anything that's offended me.
And there are a lot of Asians that don't like what I do, a lot of them. And they've told me to my face.
You know what I mean? Like you're a disgrace or, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? And it's like

I don't feel that way.

Right.

I do what feels right.

I think that I

I think I'm very funny

and I think you're very funny

and so

can we get past that?

Yeah.

Let's make fun of the Vietnamese.

Let's go.

Yeah, let's go.

Anyway.

Okay, so what did they do?

Hand embroidery.

Let's go. Let's go to the first one.
Okay. The ATM, dude.
Are you sure? They said, they said, do duck. Quang, a Vietnamese inventor co-invented the ATM.
Oh, co-invented. Co-invented.
Who's the other guy? White guy. Jew.
Jew. Yeah.
Yeah. A guy that looks like Carlos.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. The second is the conical hat, also known as the non-la.
This hat is believed to have originated in Vietnam over 3,000 years ago. What is that? Aliens, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like a cone head hat. No, it's one of those flat hats with the little...
Oh, that's okay. Oh, that hat? Yeah.
They invented that hat. They invented that.
Yeah, yeah. Wow.
Like Raiden from Street... Oh, there it is it is that they invented that's incredible that's a pretty cool hat that is pretty awesome yeah yeah and it's a good idea it keeps you you know yeah yeah the sun out of your face it just looks weird it does look kind of crazy yeah yeah yeah but you could make it cool yeah anyway the locker wear yes a natural a natural product that has been made in vietnam for centuries with pieces dating back to the fourth and fifth century.
Okay. Okay.
Hand embroidery. I mean.
Yeah. What? Yeah.
I know they've never really done. This is why they're kind of not at the top of the list.
The Asians. They don't have anything.
They're not reimagining anything. Well, the Bokov antivirus is pretty good.
That's pretty big. How many times have you had Bokov? I have had Bokov.
Right. And you're like, God damn, I'm going to die.
And then they had the antivirus yeah that's it that's pretty good that's good yeah well i think what's some other things i've been about these people include vietnamese calligraphy yeah but that's just it seems like it seems like it's yeah because no one else uses it yeah yeah they know no one in cambodia is going i'm doing vietnamese calligraphy you know yeah your own the calligraphy yeah yeah so it yeah it doesn't uh uh fong shading i don't I don't know what what the fuck that is Yeah Yeah this is why They're not They're kind of Alright so let's put them right now Based on what we see Put them at five At five But then we never did Japanese I'm sure it's a lot Japan is two China's one So let's go to Japan Japan was two And Korea's three Well based on Korea though I think we're like fourth No Well let's let's see what japan is zoom in japan's a big deal the electronic rice cooker that's big you use that every day godzilla that's huge that's yes godzilla cds laptops oh my god batteries i drop funnels novels selfie sticks robotics i mean japanese are big dude huge emoji the qr code it really is it The jet skis. She's on your show Oh yeah Instant noodles Calculators Oh my god Yeah Dude based on this They're number one dude You think Yeah based on this They're number one That's a lot Happy faces Happy faces Hello Kitty Yeah yeah That's a lot dude They Glory holes Glory holes is Japanese Yeah yeah Bullet yeah.
Bullet trains. Wow.
Big. Walkman.
VHS. The novel.
It's insane. It's insane.
You would think the English. I think, yeah, but it's them.
And they're great because they're such a small island nation. They're very, my grandfather said, very difficult to kill.
He would shoot them hundreds if they would never die, he said in the war. Just keep shooting them and shooting them and they run around.

He said they'd go over there

and they'd hit them with paddles.

Well, I think what you're

basically saying is

they're just bad shots.

Right, right.

You keep shooting, shooting,

but they're just so quick.

Couldn't do it, yeah.

Miss me, miss me.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, so they would kind of,

and they're fearless.

Yeah.

What kind of white are you?

Mostly German,

and then...

Let's see German, German probably... Let me guess, the watch? the inventions are going to get bad the oven, it's going to get bad oh you're going to crush the game? Germans are going to get very bad we used all these things in not great ways yeah, bicycles we invented bicycles you.
Yes. That's on there? Yeah.
Fanta. Wow.
Orange soda, diesel engine. Yeah.
Bicycles is huge. Huge.
Huge, dude. Airbags.
Yeah. Gummy bears to me is huge.
That's big. Automobile.
Come on, look at that. Wait, I thought Henry Ford did that.
Maybe. He just did the assembly line.
Who invented the car? I guess the Germans. Maybe Mercedes-Benz? No, who really? Who invented the car? Yeah, I want to know that.
We got to get to the fact. We invented the Christmas tree as well, by the way.
Benz. Carl Benz.
So he invented the car. That's German.
That's German. That's Mercedes-Benz.
That's insane. Carl Benz.
Wow. That's insane.
Well, good job. The Christmas tree is big.

What?

Christmas tree is a big one.

Yeah, Christmas tree.

Dude.

Yeah.

I don't know, though.

German's big.

I don't know if you can claim that.

It says it right there.

Yeah, I know.

So you're the first people to put stuff on a tree.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

It is definitely a German holiday.

Is Santa German?

Yeah. Look, it says it originated in Germany in the 16th century.
Let me see. Yeah.
Wow. I can't believe you're not coming for my show tonight.
Yeah, I just have to do this thing, I think. You know what? I'll tell you why.
Okay. I'll tell you why.
Let's get off this. I'll tell you why.
It's because throughout my whole life, I've been known not to go to these events. Yeah, I'm not good at the socializations, the social aspects of show business.
I've never been good at it. I've been called aloof.
I've been called like he seemed weird. You know what I mean? I'm being real.
mean that's the things that people say We're shocked Yeah people go I don't invite him because it's weird You know what I mean? Why? He just sits in a corner I don't really talk too much It's also I try too hard sometimes Because I gotta be cool, right? So it's just like I'm not like I'll interject into a conversation I shouldn't interject Right You know give you an example. Last week we were in Vegas.
And after my show with Bert, I got invited to Maroon 5. Great.
And we saw Maroon 5 and then backstage Adam wanted to say hi. So I brought my friend John Park, dumbfounded.
about embarrassing this guy tried so hard like Adam brought up Korea and then John just stepped in well yeah Korea I'm legit in Korea he says right and eventually I had to go Adam I'm sorry he's trying too hard and I backed him out of the story I go shut the fuck up dude you're embarrassing you said that to him yeah and then later he got mad he's like you embarrassed me i don't know you embarrassed yourself okay but i understand how john was because that's what i'm like sometimes are you good at parties uh what is he famous for in korea nothing that's what no he was like i know all the like legit restaurants and yeah why would maroon five care about that exactly yeah bingo yeah they're like i don't care what the hot restaurant is in yeah yeah yeah yeah we don't care either yeah yeah either anyone yeah right but um and i said um he likes you john just back up yeah you're trying too hard yeah and then adam laughed at that right and he thought i was ridiculing him right right but anyway um but the truth be known is i was a little nervous because of being around him just being around that whole situation because you know you watch that show it's like high the highest level of sure production yeah it's incredible the sound did they the choreography okay it's fine all that it's it's fine yeah it's fine um that's what germans invented the fart they did yes yeah yeah i'm not good at parties no i i try to like today i have a show and then after there's people coming to the show you know it's la the ages well and i just i'm i want to run out the back door right after the show uh wme oh wme okay yeah yeah so i i i want to run because i don't like the social interaction because i can go on stage and do this all day for hours but when it's the small talk i don't know how to do it i don't want to do it i get very very very uncomfortable yeah me too i'm not good at it right and um yeah it's it's unnatural almost you were really going to town yesterday on that jalapeno cornbread and the brisket and the mac and cheese you really why would you why would you you really just no because he had stomach problems all night i heard him going to the bathroom all night were you did you really could i be honest with you i didn't so i ate a couple of pieces and my stomach has a instinctual alert system right kareen's invented that yeah i know we did yeah yeah and it's sort of like a um queef out of your butt yeah i mean it's not a fart you know i mean but it's a queef like this yeah yeah and my butt did that and i stopped eating it smart it's my system going there's something wrong and you didn't eat again for the rest of the night no i did oh i had pasta right so you just i had carbonara pasta you ignored the system. I did.
Yeah. And I had a difficult night.
Yeah. Sometimes you ignore the system.
Yes. But when you, did you keep eating? Does your body have an alert system? Sometimes it didn't with that.
Okay. Yeah.
I had Harper. I woke up in the morning.
You had Harper. Okay.
Yeah. And then we ate big Italian meal just before we came in.
Then came in then i fell asleep on don's couch oh that's interesting so let me ask you about your experiences in la do you like you don't like it la yeah i don't have a problem with la at all but i am i am uh absolutely if if you said hey chris your career will get twice as big you just have to go to la more or you just have to move to la i would say i'd rather just stay where I'm at and just be in New York because I don't hate LA it's just my whole family and life and and me feeling at peace is all in New York and then sure sure I like staying in the original 13 colonies okay okay that's what it is that's enough said and I'm the well put yeah yeah I agree yes yeah I don't like it like for me if you could tell me I will have a career from from you know Vermont to Georgia the 13, I would like to do that. Really? I don't like to go too far west.
This is way too far. This is to me, this is the Spanish.
This is not our country. Our country, what our founding fathers believed was the 13 colonies.
And then Thomas Jefferson bought the Louisiana Purchase. He bought too much land.
Yeah, yeah. That's not what we wanted.
That's not what was agreed upon. So I like staying in the original 13.
So if we would have stayed with the 13 colonies, what would have happened with the rest of the country, you think? It would have been like no man's land. No, it would have stayed with Spain and France.
Do you know Thomas Jefferson, the actual president of the United States at this time, when he bought the Louisiana Purchase, when they sent Lewis and Clark out into that big blue west. Thomas Jefferson, this is why culture and society is wild.
Thomas Jefferson jefferson who was the president the sitting president very smart inventor type guy he believed and they they were not sure if they were going to encounter dinosaurs or not really i swear to god yeah in like ohio and all that they knew they were going to encounter hostile native americans but they also thought there could be a tyrannosaurus rex out there wow because they didn't have any information all. Oh, right.
They were scared. Yeah, right.
Of course. But so that's what they thought.
They thought there were dinosaurs. Interesting.
But see, the original 13, so from actually not even Vermont was an original. So from New Hampshire up to Georgia, that's my zone right there.
That's where I like to sell tickets. That's where I like to stay.
Yeah. My family has fun there.
We feel close. But don't you like the way it's a little bit more space in LA no you don't like that space gives me anxiety space when you give me space you give me places for people to hide ah I don't like that there are places to hide in New York no no but I know them all oh you know the little cubby holes yeah I know them all oh I see yes and I think that and I think that for me out here things get a little weird out here you get a lot serial killers out here.
You get a lot of people just alone with their thoughts out here. Things can move too slow.
Yeah. There's a lot of isolation.
Over here, we're on top of each other. Yeah.
In the moments can be frustrating, but that makes us feel more connected as humans, and I like it more in the original 13. Yeah, because so does Sam.
Let's talk about the killer. He was from New York, yeah.
So that's one you me on no i know no but that's only one really i can't think of any other ones can you yeah the boston strangler yeah yeah that's he's a pretty good one but um but the son of sam got caught quickly no or no son of sam yeah so son of sam he shot people he shot people and allegedly son of sam they pinned it on him but he didn't do all the murders there was a cult of people doing the murders oh that's interesting for tidbits thank you for saying supposedly tt jerry went was in prison with son of salmon told us that wow but you would have to admit though the midwestern and the northern serial killers are the worst the worst don't you think the midwestern and the northern yeah yeah i don't well the really the mid the the the like milwaukee on jeffrey dahmer john wade they're doing a movie right now ted bundin, these are all like West, West where expansion is no good. Manifest Destiny.
Yeah. I don't like that.
I want the original 13. That's all.
I think we should go back, if the United States wants any chance. Yeah.
I say we get rid of everything besides those original 13 and people come and move to where? To the East Coast. We have the water there, we have the weather there.
What do you think of Cal exit or Texas exit? I'm for it. You're for states getting removed from the union.
Thank you so much. Union.
And just having their independent own country. Do it.
You think so? Do it. Because to me, it's the East Coast down in Georgia.
So what you're saying to me is that if Washington, Oregon, and California got off and we were our own country and then you did that with the 13 colonies, that there would be a war. I think we'd be allies, no? We would be allies, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we would be allies.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because we would be allies.
Texas wouldn't be our ally. Yeah.
I feel like our army would be better than your army. Which army are you in? The Asian army? No, I'm in the California, Oregon, Washington No, because somebody like Don Who's from Georgia We have the Deep South in the 13 colonies They're the fighters Yeah, but we have MS-13 But they're not legal We still yeah.
We still have them. Yeah.
Rather, regardless. I'll make them.
They'll work for you. I'll make them legal, right? And that's a pretty good Barmy.
Can we throw out them first? Look at that. That guy, dude? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I don't want to fuck with that guy. Yeah, I don't want to fuck with that guy, dude.
Yeah, his tattoos on his eyeball. Those guys are bad.
They're pretty bad. Yeah.
Yeah. Or good if they're listening.
Look at that hand gesture. I can't even do that with my fingers.
I know. I have arthritis.
Yeah, I couldn't do it do it yeah but i think i think yeah i think you we should think more as americans we should think more about just going back to what this was originally tended i don't think so it's never gonna happen no yeah yeah i think it's fine the way it is i you know i think that we're like politically um polarized in this country like we've never seen but i think at the end of the day you know we'll be fine that's the thing is like what do you think this is any worse today than it was in the french revolution when they cut the king and queen's heads off like it's the same shit just relax everyone needs to just fucking relax that's what i'm saying everyone thinks they're in the worst tell that to a world war ii veteran that they're living in the worst time in american history and they're like what yeah it was 400,000 soldiers died yeah there's there's been a lot of points in American history that was worse. Sure.

The Depression was terrible. The Great Depression.
The Great One.

Right. And that's where jazz came out.

That's it. That's where jazz came out.

And that's where, yeah. Yeah.
Can you name me

ten jazz musicians?

Nat King Cole. Not necessarily jazz,

no.

Edgar Allan Poe.

Yeah.

No.

Hold on. Coltrane Johnson.

Thank you. with jazz no uh edgar allen poe yeah no no uh hold on coltrane johnson john coltrane yeah yeah that one okay uh you ready for this one yeah bb king blues medgar evers but that jazz medgar evers yes yeah he didn't play anything but he did like a uh okay here we go maya angelou no let's move on Let's move.
No, no, noou No let's move on You got nothing right Ray Charles No Ernest Hemingway Thanks for saying Ray Charles I want to talk about this We'll wrap it up with this Koreans invented braille Thank. Thank you.
Braille translators. Oh, yes, that's right.
Not even. They reimagined Braille.
I saw a documentary on Netflix. It's the greatest night in music.
I know what it was called. Oh, yeah, I saw that.
You saw it. We are the world.
We are the world. And did you see it? I didn't see it.
Oh, my God. It's pretty sick.
It's incredible. I mean, imagine getting all those guys in one night to stay in one studio.
Insane. Until five in the morning to lay down a track, right? After they went to the AMA awards or whatever.
Yeah, something like that. Yeah, something like that, right.
And the amount of talent in that room. But without Quincy Jones and Michael Jackson, right? Sure.
Dude, the funniest part is when Michael Jackson was with Lionel Richie and they're at like Michael Jackson's house, right? And Lionel Richie's like talking about something and then all of a sudden he hears like a hiss. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, like, right? He's like, what the fuck is that? And then Michael Jackson goes, oh, there he is. He's been missing for so so long and there's this gigantic bow constrictor right and lionel richie's all freaked out you know i mean just to think that michael jackson his he's just like not a normal no because you can't be that talented and be normal yeah one or the other but when you watch this though and you're like and you're like yeah there is when he was missing for like two days right thing but um And almost ate Lionel Richie.
But when you think of, when you see that documentary, and you see him singing and stuff, you go, wow. You can just tell how talented he is.
Oh, yeah. Big time.
He was almost like he had autism. Yeah.
But there are some people in there, I don't know why they were in it. Give me an example.
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Like why was a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a

a like he had autism yeah but there's some people in there i don't know why they were in it like you like uh give me i don't want to hurt anyone's feeling um like why was uh uh dan akroyd in it that's true yeah yeah yeah singer yeah yeah what is he doing there yeah but you saw him in it huey lewis well he's a good singer though yeah he was a good big celebrity yeah but like the one person they couldn't they almost said no was cindy lawberg's like i don't know yeah. Yeah.
They're like, bitch, fucking Ray Charles is going, bitch. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Yeah. You go.
Bruce Springsteen. Yeah.
I mean, a lot of these people, because it's just a little before my time, I don't even know who they are. Well, yeah, you do.
Was Whitney Houston, was she in it? Yeah. Okay.
Mariah Carey? No, she wasn't around then. I mean, look at me right now.
Do you know who Kenny Rogers is? Yes. Yes, I do.

Give me a song.

No One to Hold Him, No One to Fold Him, fucker.

Whoa.

That was really fucking good.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Give me another one.

Give me another one.

Dionne Warwick.

She does the-

Is her name Diane Warwick or Dionne?

Dionne Warwick does the tarot card readings.

Exactly.

Bob Dylan, you know. He died in the plane crash no you know Bob Dylan you're being jokey no I swear you don't know who Bob Dylan is I do know who Bob Dylan is I've heard the name I don't know one of his songs Let It Be what's one of his songs are you being fucking real right now I swear I'm not even fucking real you're so dumb right now dude you're really upsetting the shit out of me no no no Bob Dylan I'm sure I know If you ask me to pick him out of a lineup, I'm sure I know.
I think I could guess which one he was. Yeah.
But I've heard the name Bob Dylan, but I don't know one of the songs. Okay.
Okay. But you know who he is.
I've heard of him, but I don't know his song. You know Stevie Wonder, right? Stevie Wonder.
Yeah. You are the sunshine of my life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You are the sunshine of my life.
You are the sunshine of my life. I just called to say I love you.
And then Lionel Richie. Anyway, what do you want to promote? Anything? ChristyComedy.com.
I got a bunch of stand-up dates up there. Some are selling well.
Some aren't. I had to cancel my shows in auction this weekend.
I'm running into absolute ticket problems in certain markets. Like what ones? On this one, this one, we could pick up the pace

in Fort Worth, Texas,

but that might be,

it might have happened already.

I think it's going to be good.

New Year's Eve in December,

Phoenix in December,

I will be in Phoenix, Arizona.

Stand Up Live?

Stand Up Live.

And then New Year's Eve

in Miami Improv

from December 28th to the 31st.

I just,

I like doing my random weekends, you know what I mean? Right. But you're still away a lot because you do the movies.
Yeah, I'm doing that, but I would do different things, you know what I mean? A variety of different things. And then me and Andrew are going to do Australia and Singapore, but, you know.
Australia's the lowest white. I know, but they're my favorite.
And they're, you know how I know they're lower? Yeah. Because they're the girls that really hit on me a lot.

They love you.

On Instagram.

They really do.

Like the hottest ones go, when are you coming, baby?

You know what I mean?

I don't know.

But anyway, thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you.

That was great, dude. Yeah.
Woo. Woo.
Woo. Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.