Tim Dillon Breaks Down Diddy

Hello? Andres? I'm here! Tito Bobby!

Andres? Tito Bobby? Hello? Tito Andrew? Carlos, McCone.

Rudy Rudy! Come out wherever you are! Little pics, little pigs, let me in Not by the hair of my chin-a-chin-chin Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in Wait! Wait! I can't stop! I can't stop!

I can't stop! blow your house in Here's fancy Oh, Rudy I just wanted to let you know that we're live streaming October 24th at 6 p.m. on moment.com.
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Scary times USA.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Yeah.

Oh, see, in Japan, wide eyes is scary. Look at that.
That's horror. They can't even come to America.
They get petrified. They're scared of us? Yeah, yeah.
If they go to Ohio, dude, they're going to get out. Oh, everybody's so scary.
That's so funny. A wide eye.
Look at that little boy, dude. A Japanese guy has nightmares of just being in, like, Canton yeah yeah he wakes up downtown and he's like no no no I don't like a state fair so much corn yeah so much corn was that Italian? so much corn so much corn so much corn I don't even get me started oh no i'm telling you right now don't even get me started right now hey forget about it oh no yeah dude he's back yeah he's back i know you know what it's it's astonishing to me how fat i've gotten you're not fat dude the last couple of pockets everybody's talking about how fat i am yeah you're fat i know but not bad, dude.
No, no, it's fun fat. You're fun fat.
There is a level of bad fat. There is like a line of when you're fat fat.
Well, I've had dates on like I've gone to the beach with dates. You know what I mean? And when I take my shirt off, there is like that kind of like hesitation.
That is a bad date spot. Why are you going to the beach? What do you mean? The beach is such a bad date spot.
Sand. Yeah.
Yeah picnics do it in a park okay that's right go down to echo park yeah i bring boba i bring it all buns boba buns yeah i bring it all but um tell me for real how do you wash your laundry on hot or on tap what temperature warm i honestly don't know how any of it works i just press regular and that's all i know about it and then sometimes i don't even know how to like my dryer i don't even know how to do extension of the time do you dry everything yeah yeah well my blankets are so large that i have to hang them afterwards i hang dry you hang dry i feel like because you're supposed to it shrinks yeah i have so many blankets so many blankets. I really do.
You're a little blanket boy? I just have a lot of blankets, but I get them at parachute. What is that? To jump from a plane? No, no.
Some sort of fancy bullshit. It's fancy blankets and sheets.
Free waffle cut and throw. Yeah, yeah.
Look at that. How much is it? Are they expensive? Airborne water.
I don't get the bath. Those are bathrobes.
Go to the fucking blankets. What's the point of a bathrobe? Yeah, I don't know what it is.
What's the point? You can wrap in a towel and then you walk around in the towel until you're dry and then you put on some underwear. Yeah.
I guess if you're old and you're cold a lot. Yeah.
They're pretty reasonable. $3.29.
Yeah, that doesn't seem crazy. I don't even know.
Probably seems like... I've got the Jenna Jamesonameson collection from target oh that's nice yeah is it good nothing sticks to those sheets you can't stain them it's good it's good cannot stain them dude so dave navarro texas made the other day what that's rad right no but it's not rad because you know what happened right what happened with him perry farrell oh i Oh, I saw Perry like...
He like pushed him on stage. He got into a fight.
So Dave Navarro, after getting into a fight, texts you. Yeah, but I don't know if it was for me.
So check this out. Oh, no, I'm being real.
Check this out. What'd he say? He goes...
Whoa. So he texted me.
Come in here. Come in here.
Come here and sit down. Set him up in the blue chair.
Sit down! In the blue chair.

In the blue chair.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Tim.

The infamous.

I injure myself on this chair.

I swear to God.

If what happens?

If I injure myself on this chair.

What?

Okay.

Which is a very big possibility.

Yeah.

That's a you problem.

You're going to be fine.

Well.

We're talking about Dave Navarro getting.

Remember Dave Navarro? Yeah. What happened to him with Perry Farrell Have you seen this clip Jane's addiction He pushed him this was like a week ago He looks like he's juiced up Look at this he's pissed off Stomping around When Perry's like that you gotta back away He looks amped He's he looks amped.
Yeah. He's angry.
He's like, Jane says, look at Jane says. Right, look at him.
And then he starts to attack. Yeah.
Coming down the mountain. Look at him.
He's just trying to amp him up. Let's go, play your licks.
He goes, what? What are you doing? Whoa, what is going on there, dude? Weird. All right, so Dave Navarro texts you after this days later so thursday yeah he goes did you just he goes did you just wake up from a dream i was in whoa did you yeah ironically yes wow so this and then because it's obviously for a girl right So then I go what i've been dreaming about you for years good play the girl thing good are you okay from that stage incident and nothing yeah that makes sense yeah so it was a girl that he was trying to text a name bobby b-o-b-b-i yeah yeah yeah but she she might have also cared about how he was yeah what do you mean you mean? Well, I mean, she could have asked that.

Oh, yeah, she could have.

Absolutely.

But why didn't he respond?

Because he didn't get the answer he wanted.

Yeah.

Oh, should I do another answer?

Absolutely not.

Oh, okay.

That's the way to get a number block.

You do one more, you're going to come up green.

Oh, really?

Okay.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Tim.

The guest of the year.

We've never potted together.

Tim Dillon.

Never.

Ever.

No, really?

We've done a lot of standouts.

No, because he canceled on Tiger Belly three times.

You've canceled on me multiple times.

No, that's insane.

You've canceled on me multiple times. No, that's insane.
You've canceled. That's fucking insane that you would even say that.
Tim. We've both canceled.
Tim. Tim.
Everybody knows Bobby never canceled. Also, Tim.
Tim, this too. I've canceled more.
You canceled first. I canceled first, and I've canceled more.
You have canceled. Okay.
I'm more wrong. Okay, but you know the game tag where you tag and then you run away, right? I didn't start the game tag.
You did. I fully take responsibility for canceling first.
Okay. And then let me ask you this.
But I believe if I had not canceled first, you would have canceled. That's correct.
That's what you believe.

That is my belief.

Okay, okay.

It's my belief.

It's a belief system, yeah.

You are the cancel king.

You cancel con. But we both can.

By the way, the funniest thing ever

is when me and Bobby are both on a lineup

and neither one of us goes.

All the time.

Happens all the time.

That is very funny.

I get a call from a producer going,

I had Tim and Bobby cancel.

Are you around?

Oh, you and I?

Oh, we never show up.

A lot of times-

We don't.

Stuff happens.

Yeah.

Well, sometimes I call you

Thank you. One time I called you and I go, are you going? I'm not going either.
That one time. You both do that a lot.
One time I sent him a COVID test. I sent him a photo of the COVID.
By the way, years after COVID. Years.
Many years. Young kids didn't even know what it was.
I was sending him a picture of the COVID lines. But he didn't send the promoter that test, but I did.
He said that I had COVID to the guy, right? But then I actually sent him the test that he gave me to him. Right.
Saying. Saying that I have it.
So it makes him look like he didn't have it. Correct.
Yeah. Right.
Good move, Bob. I mean, you know.
Yeah. But the thing is, me and Bobby will lie and then get found out.
And then we don't care that much. Well, it doesn't matter.
We don't care. We don't really care that much.
So it's, you know, we're going to go. No one's going to get that mad.
That's the problem. It doesn't matter.

But we're being used.

That's right.

We are.

It feels like we're being used.

It's like some guy that never said hi to me before.

Yeah.

He's now, hey, can you do my show?

Yeah, you'll put me on the flyer.

Right.

That's why.

And they'll use your name to sell tickets.

Right.

So then I don't show up.

Right.

I don't like being used. One promoter, and I'm not going to say who.

Can I guess?

You can guess after I've said this.

Okay.

One promoter literally said, I can't pay anyone tonight because my father has Alzheimer's.

I swear to God.

And then that person said that was the way.

And I was like, okay, I guess.

God damn.

Well, yeah.

Have you canceled?

You cancel.

There's times I have to cancel.

Why?

If I'm just like, if I just can't make it, if we're doing too many pods and all this bullshit I'm never gonna make it you'll cancel because you're tired how true yep every now and then Emily at the store will call me she'll go are you close and I'm at Nobu Malibu and I have a tumor in my mouth you're that far you're that far I go oh yeah yeah i'm right down sunset yeah you're the most nightmarish person to follow that's not true yeah 100 it's very nice of you i've heard you say this before and i really appreciate i've texted emily that that's very nice but i feel that way about you i hate going up after you when you're on dude it's unfollowable well that's that's sometimes you're off when you're off. But when you're on, dude, oh my God.
When I'm off, I'm off. But if I'm on, it's good.
But you're funnier when you're off. Because you get angry.
By the way, I agree with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I agree with you. But I love you.
I feel like we have a similarity in that sense. Just energy-wise.
Yes. Yeah.
Because sometimes we don't want to do it. What's going on? No, I'm listening.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do enjoy it.
What's going on, dude? Sometimes we don't want to do it. And we have shorts or sweatpants on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're on stage.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're angry that the audience came.
I know. And that's the best time.
Yeah. You're moody girls.
You're both a moody little girl. Also, he also contemplates things afterwards sometimes.
Yes. So he'll go, maybe I should open my own club.
Remember that one time? Yes. Guys, that's what you call it.
I'm having my mental illness. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A full mental break. Yeah, because he was trying new stuff and you know what I mean? It was, you know, I get you.
The main room can be packed. Just wasn't working.
There's a pressure. Sure.
Right? And so. Tim's the only comic that's tricoastal.
Tim moved to fucking, Tim moved to Austin for seven minutes. Came back, moved back to New York, came back, went back to New York, bought a house again in New York, bought a house here, sold a house in Austin.
Right. You had a Hamptons thing, right? Yeah.
Got one out there still. Still? Well, we're opening the Mothership Hamptons, which is coming up and it's very exciting.
Got to get out there. I'm trying to get Joe to do Mothership Vegas.
That would make more sense. Wouldn't we be all happy? Yeah.
That would be great. That's correct.
Mothership Vegas would be great. I'll move there.
There's really no club where we can go. Is there? In Vegas? I mean, there's millions of clubs, right? But it's like where I'm going to feel like, I want to go there twice or three times a year.
Playboy comedy. Playboy comedy.
There used to be this thing called Playboy comedy. And you'd want to go because it was a simple gig.
Sometimes it's just one show a night, Friday, Saturday. Steve Byrne was doing it? No, it was Ahmed Ahmed.
Oh, yeah. And what's that little, his partner? What's his, JJ? Jay Davis? Jay Davis.
Jay Davis used to have it, yeah. I heard about this.
I never was privy to this. Playboy Comedy Room in Vegas, but it closed down, right?

Yeah, it was at the Palms.

It was the best.

Anyway.

Now there's a bunch of clubs out there, but you're going to go and you're probably going

to dip into a theater is the problem.

No.

You'd want to play a club there?

You guys are theater guys.

I'm a club guy.

Yeah, right.

You're a fucking theater.

What are you talking about?

You theater guy or club guy?

I like them both.

Okay.

Just depends on, you know.

I like them both.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's up with your nose right now, dude? I don't know. It's like I had like a thing I'm having like a thing What do you mean Like an allergic reaction It's like his nose dude I don't know what it is It doesn't even look real No I know It's like a red I've had like an allergic reaction To something Yeah I don't know what it is You gotta change your face wash Tim I know I've been telling you that for years What's that the glasses The nose thing That you get at novelty shops at novelty shops? Yeah.
It's like a modern version of that. I know.
It's crazy. I don't know what it is.
I was on a medication and I had a reaction to it. Can you take your glasses off? Antibiotics.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Keep them on.
Keep them on. See? That's why I'm wearing them.
Better with them on. Yeah.
That's why I'm wearing them. So are you in town for a while? First of all, you have the best parties.
The parties are decent. Yeah.
Unbelievable. You, of course Your parties are the best I go to the parties, you're there for 5 seconds I know, but I love just coming in and out My godson met you and he's Chinese And loved you, it was a big night for him Oh, that's what we were godson? Was it the Chinese kids? Yeah, it was a little Chinese baby That is the funniest part about Tim's parties You'll see a TikTok star and a little Chinese baby All in the living room together Caitlyn Jenner for no? Yeah.
Wow, that was great. It was a little Chinese baby.
Yeah, yeah, it was a beautiful Chinese baby. That is the funniest part about Tim's parties.
You'll see a TikTok star and a little Chinese baby all in the living room together. Caitlyn Jenner for no reason.
Yeah. How do you know her? You know, we're both patriots.
We love the country. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We love America. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like her. I'm fascinated by it.
I think she's got an amazing American life. Yeah, yeah, she does.
Amazing American life. There's very few countries you can do what she did.
Think about it. Well, explain it to us.
Let's say we're from a European nation. Yeah.
All right? Yeah. Cyprus, is that one? It's probably more likely that we're from an Eastern European country.
We're from an Eastern, maybe on the border of Russia and China, so we kind of look Asian know me asian maybe and some people look white it's very difficult to be born a guy become an olympian become the spokesman for wheaties marry a woman whose husband defended another athlete who murdered his wife yeah then have a bunch of stepdaughters one of them does a sex tape they all become billionaires the most famous people in the world you then decide that actually you were a woman this entire time yeah you get surgery to become a woman and then decide that the only way to save america is to elect donald trump right wow that's a pretty american story american and become a female the year on vanity fair yeah's right. And then also kill someone somewhere in between.
And then kill a woman in Malibu

with your truck. Right.

Did you really do that? Yeah. She killed a lady.

Is that real though? Unintentionally.

Unintentionally. It's an accident.
There it is.

There it is. And when was that?

In Malibu. It was a couple years ago.
Wow.

I mean, right? And it was mid-transition, right? That's right.

She was... 2015.

I'll tell you what, that sped up the transition.

She was unfocused.

You got to finish the job at that point.

She was unfocused.

Yeah.

Didn't Brandy kill somebody too?

Yeah, Brandy killed someone in a car accident.

Yeah, and then she kind of disappeared after that, no?

Because she didn't transition.

Oh, is that what it is?

You get one.

Yeah.

I think you get one car accident.

If there's a certain level of fame, you get to kill one person in a car. Yeah.
true true well let's go through the um another guy would you know anybody i know that's killed someone in a car a celebrity no well yes i do what yes i do uh uh um uh ferris bueller yeah that's who i was thinking yeah he came with molly ringwald right in england in england when they were like 17 yeah yeah and then and then

laura bush george w bush's wife wow really someone in a car yeah uh another bush kennedy ted kennedy killed someone killed somebody how about this another bush different family the anheuser bush son augie bush maybe killed a guy in college dui and the sunny bono got killed by a tree that's right that's right. You remember that? If I was killed by a really rich person, let me tell you how easy it would have been to get my parents to not press charge.
Let me explain how easy that would have been. It would have been a five-minute conversation.
Okay? Yeah, yeah. They would have sent not even even their top people they would have sent some very

low-level attorneys my parents house in long island yeah uh my parents they they would have just said listen we can kind of we can you know we can mitigate this we can mitigate this we can make it go away and they would have said we think you deserve like 44 000 my mother and father would have lit up. They would have said, can we do 50? And they would have said, absolutely.
And they would have given them 50 grand and my mother and father would have dropped the case. 100%.
Immediately. Wow, wow, wow.
Especially because you were such an asshole. You were a troublemaker when you were a kid.
Well, listen, I'm from them. They were troublemakers.
But the problem is in 1997, 50 Gs's real money real money pay off the house it's real money my parents were so immigrant they wouldn't even know the rules right like oh he died yeah yeah he died good no not good oh no right there'd be an oh no one oh no yeah yeah that's also what my parents would have said. My parents would have also said.
Oh no. Right.
Asian accents. But they assume it was your fault.
Oh yeah and even if they offered them money my parents wouldn't understand. They'd be like well $44,000 and my dad would be like I don't have.
Yeah. Right.
I don't have a portable. They end up making your dad pay.
Right. And they're like well then we'll see you later.
Okay bye. And then my dad would feel like he got one.
You know what I mean? Yeah, he won. He won one.
Oh, we had to pay 44. We didn't have to.
You know? You're allowed to. Yeah.
So a certain level of fame, I guess. Who's at the cusp that got washed away then? Who's killed someone that never returned? Who never made it back? I don't know.
Who never made it back? Just kill or driving? Well, look at what is this going to do to what's his name? To who? Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin.
He's fine. He went to court.
He got acquitted. He did? Yeah.
I think he was kind of on the back nine anyway. So he's done now? No.
Well. Yeah, he is.
He's probably done. He's done.
He's done. No more court.
But he's so famous. I know, but he didn't do anything.
Yeah, he killed a lady. I know.
He shot a woman i know but i mean i get it you're on set you're like you think you know why you're doing this he's doing this because one day he this accident could easily happen to him oh really you fucking around on a set i could easily see this i could do it with a machete i think you break all the rules yeah yeah bobby please be careful with this the thing about alec baldwin is afterwards he didn't and, and I like him, and he's a great guy. I did his podcast.
I think he didn't seem super remorseful. That was the problem.
I think he had to turn on the remorse a little more. He was kind of agitated by the whole thing.
Right. He was frustrated.
He was kind of like, what is this? That was his attitude. He shot the woman in the head, and then his attitude was like, what's, hey, what is this? What the hell's going on here? On set, you think he did that? That and publicly.
Publicly. Oh, yeah, yeah.
They were like, you shot a woman, and he was like, listen. You know, and that was the energy.
Right, right, right. I think the interview started with listen.
I think he said listen. think he said listen no he did like accidents happen on set yeah and they're putting that woman away that armorer yeah they she's going to prison good yeah she's going to prison the woman that supplied the gun ah she goes does the movie come out ever no no chance i'm rust huh they finished the movie yeah but does it come out it's gonna come out i hope it comes out it'll be maybe I just got cast in Rust 2 what I just got cast in Rust 2 really yeah yeah it's gotta come out you should you should have makeup artist in the head yeah it's coming out in 2024 at the end of the year whoa you think it'll do good numbers huge huge I'd watch it I'll it.
I'll watch it. I definitely want to see the scene.
They left it in there, didn't they? Oh, that's the scene. He shoots her in the scene, right? They should have a little thing.
No, no, no, no, no. It was obviously.
No, no, but wasn't he practicing a scene? They were doing it. Oh, they got to leave that scene in.
Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah, they got to leave that scene.
I thought you meant would they leave him? And I'm like, that's kind of a brilliant marketing but kind of insensitive what if they did that sensitive no but they do they're doing a walkthrough of a scene by the way please god please do if when when this gets released please in very poor taste do at the end in memoriam and then her face please do a very poor taste just to prove that hollywood is still hollywood yeah right at the end do in memoriam and then go uh don't even say her name what what did she do again what was she she was a cinematographer no she was the dp right yeah yeah so i saw so you know christopher reeves there's a new christopher reeves documentary coming out and the kids his kid children made it and apparently it's really good their story but so there was a what their story you're right yeah but there was a it's like a footage of him at the academy where it's like a year later and he comes out on the stage and the audience are just they're trying to be you know emotional and go and be supportive but there's also some people like in a horror why like i saw brad pitt kind of go

he goes back i'll tell you why brad pitt's going i've been on a horse yeah oh right what if that happened to me that's it yeah the audience was just kind of like like like like this that is kind of wild that picture zoom into that photo that kind of looks like a madame tussauds yeah you sure that's real that look that seriously looks like a madame tussauds It is.

Oh, so put on like football gear or something.

I mean, because the- Football gear? You want him to come out dressed like a Dallas Cowboys? No, but what I'm saying is the- Because the body is withered. Got it.
Yeah. So put on some, I get it, like baggy rag.
Bulk him up. Bulk him up a little bit.
Like a wrap outfit. I mean, he's just like, you know what I mean? Talk about Bobby Lee, the costume.
Yeah. So just, if that was costume, I'm putting some padding.
Yeah. I want you to put some padding in.
He's Superman. Bulk him up.
Yeah, bulk him up there. Well, it would be kind of tight if he did have a Superman shirt underneath the suit.
That would have been the crest. Right.
That would have been the move. So who, wait, so his kids are making a doc about him right now.
Yeah. And when does this come out? Soon.
Look at the hand. Okay, anyway.
Was he ever unparalyzed? No. What do you mean? Not so super, huh? Like, did it ever get better? No, he got worse and worse.
I don't think so, sadly. No, it was a real- Awful.
It's awful. Spinal cord injuries.
And it was from a horse. Yeah, I don't know why you asked that.
Yeah, sure. Well, no, I don't remember it.

A horsey did it.

No, I don't think they call it a horsey.

Not after you've ruined someone's ability to walk.

Yeah.

You think the horsey got in trouble?

I think that horse is glue now.

Sadly, that horse is gone.

It lives with Whitney Cummings.

Whitney has it.

Whitney's got it.

Whitney would show it to you.

She'd go, this is Christopher Reeve's horse. She she'd go this is the horse that killed christopher reeve and they were gonna kill it but i decided it should come here and watch me do makeup tutorials on instagram live yeah because she has knickknacks that's right on the shelves and stuff yeah yeah so that's interesting yeah yeah she would have she would have the thing that killed anica that hurt an american hero yeah that would be she would take pride in it yeah like it you

know like the body of bubbles like michael jackson's right she definitely has bubbles stuffed

this monkey in a room yeah this is this was bubbles pacifier do you know that born in 1983

this was such a polarizing thing when he would walk around with this monkey he's from austin

bubbles yeah oh wow you can see him at the mothership this weekend on kill tony

I'm sorry. this was such a polarizing thing when he would walk around with this monkey he's from austin bubbles yeah oh wow you can see him at the mothership this weekend on kill tony bubbles will be there how long did bubbles live give it up for the great bubbles huh he's alive still yeah you better believe it he's his bubbles literally still alive wow he's 40 years old.
No, 40. It's in 1983

he was born.

He's at the center for great apes.

That was the craziest Google, Bubbles Now.

I knew

Google would happen.

Despite the fact that he is very photogenic,

Bubbles is difficult to photograph because he does not like

the camera. Often will turn his back when he

sees the camera. Well, Bubbles knows.
The camera

is the one that causes all the problems. That's exactly right.
That's where the pain begins. Bubbles knows.
Yeah. I mean, Bubbles could have gone chimp crazy like the documentary.
You watched it? You see it? Chimp crazy? I haven't seen it yet. Fantastic.
It's fantastic, yeah. And it's about a chimp who loses it.
It's about a group of people who are in the- Chimp industry. Chimp industry.
And it focuses what you would think was supposed to be on an original lady but it ends up being about this woman right here and her involvement in the chimp trade. What is the chimp industry? Oh dude.
What do you mean? What do you think it is Tim? Exotic animals? Yes. Yeah.
In the state of Missouri there is no exotic animal ban law law so in missouri you can buy sell and trade exotic animals that are on the on the band list in most places but but did you notice in the documentary she's she has the little ones too she's got them all right spider but still they're deep like the coveted thing is chimp right they can have 50 of the little guys right but they're like dreaming of chimp. Right.
Chimp, the biggest one you can have. No.
Gorilla. You can get a gorilla? No, you can't, but I'm sure that's the biggest one.
That's the hope. No, I think they can.
Seriously, I think they can have any. You can't have a gorilla.
There's no way you can have a gorilla. Look at that.
What's the largest exotic animal you can purchase in America? On the documentary, they show you one of these like exotic animal auctions people buy the wildest fucking shit that you know like you've ever seen those like sheiks that have like of course white tigers in their fucking kitchen yeah yeah yeah there was in a house in beverly hills supposedly there was a guy who had a couple tigers in the backyard some incredible pretty fucking cool but in the yeah Pretty fucking cool. But in the documentary though, they show past incidences, like famous incidences with chimpanzees.
And you notice when the chip, cause they never leave the house and they're in a cage. They're supposed to be around a chimp.
And then one of them, right, for like a year would just be sitting there like- Rocking. Rocking back and forth, right? What do you do at that point? gotta shoot it no gotta shoot it you know i'm a chimp it's gonna kill you am i doing a good job yeah that looks like why why would you have a chimp and just have it sit in the cage and do that it's kind of disturbing well psychologically what they kind of what they break down in this is that's not even impressive no if i went to your house and i saw like an animal like doing this yeah yeah i'm not yeah i'm like that's not really that cold no yeah i gotta get my uber you have a fettler monkey they talk about in the thing they talk about the psychology these these women who fall in love they they think that they value them more than their own children because she says it in there she goes a baby only needs you for so long the chimp that's what it is the chimp needs you for life it's it's it's a baby that's a baby forever forever they they they they have the needs of a baby and they never go even when they're 40 they don't grow out of those those like instinct needs of you but you don't you don But if they don't get to play with other monkeys at some point, that's it.

Yeah, that's it.

That's it.

So these are women who want to have a baby forever so they get a chimp.

And they have babies of their own, but after like three or four years, they're like, eh.

Well, the kids even say, there's kids interviewed in the documentary, they're like, she doesn't fucking love us.

Oh, there's no way any of these women are good mothers. Oh, no.
No, way like no their kids like she was an amazing mom and also had this chip no way there's something broken something broken yeah they talk about the kid they interview some of the kids and you know they have to unfortunately on camera passively go no yeah no she she she did a good job raising us. She just loves her chimps.

Yeah.

I mean, you can see the sadness in the through line.

Right.

The documentary is fantastic.

Do any of the chimps act out violently?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I mean.

They show you some footage on there.

It's wild.

There's one that I had to pause and walk away and go, I can't do this.

Well, you'll remember when we were kids, famously one of the women went on Oprah because her face- This is what happens. Her face was taken, removed.
She went on- Look at the picture of the chimp attack woman, Oprah. Yeah, that's the light.
Is that her? Yeah. She went on Oprah and she had to wear a veil.
Tim, you would love this for your new show. I got to be honest.
Not only would I love her for the show, but I don't think she looks that bad. No, she doesn't.
It's not bad. She actually doesn't look that bad.
By the way, there are people in LA walking around that look exactly like that. I've lived here long enough where that doesn't shock me at all.
The old gypsy woman with one eye, that shocks no one. That shocks no one.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've seen that too, I guess.
Look at her up on, a chimp woman on oprah she had to wear a veil and then oprah the that's the funniest clip they use it in the movie oprah goes can we can we lift up the veil oh yeah yeah can we lift up the veil that's bad that's pretty bad that's a rough one yeah yeah it's tough well now wait a minute is that which one who's that that's oprah tim what the fuck that's oprah before the money op is that before the money oprah by the way that's almost no thought being put into that all she should think about is the veil i know it makes it more ominous almost yeah yeah yeah it's scary this looks like the batman villain well this is a perfect like this is an islam like go with that go yeah yeah yeah it's time to start thinking about it yeah you think just wear out oh for sure you convert immediately that's actually smart the documentary though it does something it's so powerful the way it tells this this story because i'm not giving anything away but the guy who's making it can't there it is the guy who's making it can't really make it they have to like go incognito while they're making it why it's brilliant because he's no he's a known figure. Because he directed Tiger King.
Tiger King. Oh.
Right? And then when he asked the lady, can I do it? And they're like, I don't want to work with you. Nobody in the chimp community likes this guy because he's exposed the exotic animal community.
So he'd hired an actor to act as the director. It's fascinating.
It's fascinating. It's amazing.
They did such a great job. It's a great job.
Yeah, I want to see characters like this on your show. And that's a perfect transition because i do want to talk about it tim's got a new show on netflix yeah we're excited about it we're trying to get people like this who don't have faces yeah what is it i want this is your country oh this is the talk show yeah it's a talk show we're trying to bring back like a jerry springer type concept you know this was my senior ditch day in high school we went to jerry springer that's awesome was it in connecticut no in chicago he was out of chicago that's awesome we did a senior ditch day uh and went down there and it was it dude i love jerry springer so much in high school because it was it was a perfect world of comedy it was pure comedy yeah and it's comedy on purpose where like people are taking it serious but you're like do you not understand that this is no i think it's funny it's like it's also ends up those shows end up being weirdly a better satire of america than the daily show 100 because like this is what we got these are the voters these are the people this is who's out there these are all real people there's no scripts they're not actors they came on we did like 20 25 minutes with each group we edited it down because like you got to get you know like there's a lot of people that aren't accustomed to being on tv all right we'll just drone on for hours about something so you got to edit it down to like but it's amazing i mean can we show the trailer absolutely before you do yeah can i ask you a favor sure can i please you know how in um uh what's his name the just breathe that's okay i'm very emotional what's going on? I just want to be like a handler.
Come. Be a handler.
Like I bring guests on stage. I don't say much.
Yes. You know you're like- Like Steve.
Steve Wilkos. Yeah, Steve Wilkos.
That's what I want to be. He was security.
Yeah, but I'll be security. Making him security is so fucking funny.
We want security that, like the idea would be security that runs away. Like I just want cowards.
I want cowards. Dude, I got to be your main- Sing ding ding.
Yeah, yeah away. I just want cowards.

I want cowards.

I got to be your main.

Sing ding ding.

We want people running away.

You never introduce me.

By the way, nothing is better than if a melee brawl starts and me and you run away.

Out of this.

It would be the greatest moment ever.

Please.

Just run away.

You don't even have to pay me.

Let me do it, please.

Oh, absolutely.

Okay, cool.

Thank you.

All right, let's see it.

I do want to watch it again.

It's fantastic.

You're here to confess to your girlfriend that you used to do porn. Yeah.
The music. Hello, pigs.
I think we can all agree. We're the rotting corpse of an empire, and we live in hell.
Your husband brought you here today because he wants to confess something.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Hold on.

Let's talk to the food-poisoned, drug-addicted sex criminals who live here.

You play Minecraft, Fortnite. I've never met a more manageable person.

How do you think she's going to react when you tell her?

What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.

No.

Are you insane?

Should we pop it up?

We pop it up! Do we pop it up?

Are you kidding me?

How many years I got to deal with you?

Since I was a child, I don't know any life that's not like this.

Oh, that's...

Oh, shut the f*** up.

This is what America's about.

The Unabomber wants to say...

Bring out the BBL. USA! USA! USA! USA! My name is Tim Dillon, and regrettably, this is your country.
Wow. We had some homeless people, I think, in the audience, we shot it in Van Nuys and we just, people like came out of tents and got- Central casting, right? Wow.
It was great, yeah. It's so funny.
You've done one episode. We've done one.
We're putting it out and we're super excited. We didn't know what was going to, it was a weird thing because they wanted us to do something like political and I was like, it's boring.
It's just boring going to political convention. Nobody's going to ever do it do it better than triumph nobody's going to ever do the daily show better than john stewart yeah no one's gonna like everybody you know so i said maybe we'll bring back something people haven't seen in a while and it'll just be silly and like our dream we have dream ones that we couldn't get but like our dream segments are like my husband said he was at january 6th but he was just cheating on me.
My sugar daddy's going to cut off my Ozanpik,

and I'm scared. our dream segments are like my husband said he was at january 6th but he was just cheating on me

my sugar daddy's gonna cut off my osampic and i'm scared of what i'll eat things like that like we have dream ones where like we want to put things out into the universe and get these people yeah yeah but i didn't see any violence there's no real violence because the people there

there is arguments

and there is anger

but violence is harder to get to and a lot of the Jerry violence I think some of it was staged and none of this is staged so the reality is it's like our hope is that if we get more episodes there is violence naturally there needs to be violence the hope is that we're gonna get

violence but we're we have the word now we learned a lot doing it we made some mistakes and then corrected them so that you know we had two shoots we figured it all out and then like we're gonna try to get you know if we keep doing it like we'd love to get some people that really are gonna attack each other 100 while me and you run out yeah yeah yeah jerry springer did turn into this fake fight show.

Yeah.

Which I think was kind of

partially the demise of the show

because it,

organic, each other 100 while me and you run out yeah yeah yeah jerry springer did turn into this fake fight show yeah i think was kind of partially the demise of the show because it organically was so wild it's got to be organic somebody's got to really want to fight yeah i don't want somebody's got to want to fight but there are like we have a guy confessing he lost a lot of money to his wife with crypto we have people like you know we have all kinds of stuff going on it's interesting guys saying i used to be a porn star yeah chick like and this is all these are all real things but like nobody slapped anybody else but you know knock on wood that could happen yeah i really hope it does that's the hope my name is yashi toto for this yeah yeah he's still working on the i'm working on the character dude i'm gonna no it's me and you run out of the studio during a large fight and then then there's a kind of an older female security guard who is tasked with handling everything.

Do you have this woman cast?

No, but it would be hilarious.

A female, like an older female security guard trying to get a handle on everything.

Me and Bobby sprint out of the studio.

Yeah, yeah.

Run out.

Yeah, yeah.

Let her deal with it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can't wait.

I hope this is a hit.

I hope it is, too.

When's it come out?

October 1st. October 1st.
October 1st. It'll be outflix you gotta go watch yeah we hope it uh it should be fun there's no chance it won't it won't be successful i told you yeah it's fantastic well i'm glad we did this and not because they were like go to the convention and talk to people and i go why why yeah 20 people doing that yeah and then they were really cool netflix was awesome And we said, we'd like this and they said okay cool and left us alone because if you go to the convention and do the chat things that's already on youtube there's like a dozen of those videos right now you'll never beat youtube it's fast and it's already out it's already out and it's gonna what's the point yeah there's nothing to be learned anymore about people's like opinions about politics The only thing that's left to be learned is how are people living? What are people doing? That's the more interesting element than why you like Trump or why you like Kamala.
It's like, how do you earn money? How does your family dynamic work? Who do you hate and why? Would you take it? I mean, shoot it in different places? I would shoot it wherever. Absolutely.
I think it'd be interesting to like shoot episodes in different spots. I know that's more expensive.
No, no. I agree with you.
Because then you really get a gist of like, you know, shoot it in Nevada. Then you're in Washington.
We flew these people in. Oh, you did? Yeah.
From all over? From all over. Oh, okay.
Right on. Because, you know, but we would, I, you know, it depends on where they'd want to shoot it, but I would it wherever these people that got flown in what was the general spot that a lot of them came from we talking Florida I'm trying to think there was Colorado there was Florida how do you submit to be on the show well we do as a casting call are you this person do you want to reveal a thing do you want to do whatever people do it people like why would anyone go on that i go anyone will do anything yeah people want i love all this idea people are like why would anyone go on a show like that you go anyone will do anything what are you talking are you crazy yeah yeah there's no value to dignity anymore in this country there's no economic value to it and there's no emotional value like you don't even sound good anymore if you tell someone you passed up on something and you go i'm not gonna go make a fool out of myself no matter what it is people go i don't know no matter what it is it used to be like 20 years ago you tell a guy at a bar they want me to go make my family into a laughing stock and i'm not doing that and the guy go good for you now the same guy goes i don't know i would have maybe done that there's not much left there's no meat on the bone right so it's like maybe something would have walked out may it worked out right now what did you think you learned at the course of the show what's the collective thought after seeing all these people do all this shit what's like the one thing you took away from it i think genuinely you know genuinely what i took away was number one how hard it is to do these types of shows yeah because it's it's you don't have a script you don't you can't just re-edit and like go back and say let's do it again like that's not the way it works right if somebody's going to say something to someone else they say it one time you're doing it in front of a live audience right so i had to learn how to be a talk show host and because my podcast i do it by myself i just talk right so for me it was like listening to people and then and i would lose track of time so in your piece and they'd be like all right you've done 10 minutes with them like you know like and i'd go oh okay bring out the gas because there's always somebody we're bringing out.
And a lot of the times the people in the chairs don't know.

So I'm like, somebody's been listening backstage

and then we bring somebody else out.

So it was learning how to do all of that

and then appreciating Springer, Jenny Jones,

Ricky Lake, Donahue, Maury,

all those people who did shit like that,

Sally Jessie, appreciating it and going, oh, it was not as easy as it looked right it's not i mean you have to you have to be a host and you have to be kind of this you're almost like a uh you're almost manipulating them as you're telling the story with them and those shows did it every single day yeah all year we had one shot we had two live shows saturday and sunday and we edited them you know we shot 11 of these segments we kept five yeah so it took a minute but as we get better at it we would be able to like we would know now i know more about like okay i understand why that segment some people say they have a problem with each other and then get on stage they really don't of course they really don't we would find that out when we did bad friends live stuff we'd find out yeah people would bail on a thing that we thought they were really committed to we had a woman who's a q anon mom and the older producers were like she's a nut wait till you hear what she says she's crazy and then i brought her on stage go what's your craziest opinion she goes i like trump i go all right come on anything else wow i'm like are there tunnels underground like give me something yeah just like i'm pro second amendment i like trump and the la producers were so crazy that they thought that was like the most you know what i mean they're like wait till you hear what she says and she's like i just think biden's too old and they're like see what a fucking nut'm like, oh, no, this isn't. But we did find some people that were, it was really good.
And there was some magic on it that happened where you're just in awe of it. Some shit went down where you do just stand back and go, what the fuck is happening? I love it.
It's kind of wild. The reason why this has legs is because there's two other comics that I can think of that had this a daytime show uh you know who they are well i don't remember no pro i mean probably fox oh yeah kirk did he did greg barrett greg barrett but the problem with those shows is that they try to be molded into a talk like they're playing a role so they but you you're yourself here that's right yeah that's why this is he's in on the joke yeah that's what it is yeah these guys were trying to like wow um you know well tell us you know they were just playing like some role but we're basically like netflix we're talking to them and we go we want to satirize like america and then the idea was like well let's talk to political figures and everything and i'm like but that's not america no so the republican and democrat

conventions are not america and i thought about it and i was like and me and my collaborator brian frangie really smart good writer uh we were like and i worked with him on stuff but he produced co-produces we came up with the idea of basically going like why don't we just do like a talk show like we grew up with but with modern problems right i want to talk about joker 2 yeah well let's do it so by the way and i let's make some news because i'll talk right about it yeah yeah tim was in joker 2 you guys know that i'll speak about it right now and he plays a security like a a lot of people a lot of people are shitting on it in the press why why panning on it I don't know why but I'll tell you right now I I was I I had suggestions they were not followed by the director okay okay by Joaquin yeah yeah by Gaga um so the reality was I was a security guard I had two or three lines yep I felt underutilized yeah I said I will direct it I said I will direct it or I will assistant direct it I don't know who that guy was yeah yeah it's something with Ben Affleck I don't care yeah I would have done any of that I would have done it I would have done cinematography which I didn't I wasn't hugely clear on what exactly it entailed. But I knew that I had a lot more to give that movie than it accepted for me.
Right. Sure.
Now, if it's a stunning success, I'm proud to be a part of it. Yeah.
But if it does fail, it is because they didn't utilize me in a proper way. But if it's a success, I am proud to be a part of it but what was it like fails what was it like because i know you're seeing it has joaquin was in the scene right he was in the scene right so what was that like i didn't i didn't learn the lines yeah because they always lie the agent lies and they go they want you to be you and be funny and they lie right yeah they don't want that.
Andrew's a great actor and he does like the work of it. Yeah.
I showed up and I'm like, I'm going. I'm okay too, you know? Both of you, both of you.
But he was the one, he's white. But what I was saying is.
Thank you. I showed up and I was like, you know, I didn't, you didn't get the script ahead of time because they were, they didn't want you to leak it.
Oh, I hate when they do that. They give you lines in the morning and I like read them real quick.
And I guess I should have drilled them a little more, but they kept changing them. And you know, I was a bit nervous and it's what, I've never done a scene in any movie in my life before.
This is the first scene in any movie I've ever done in my whole entire life. It's with Joaquin Phoenix.
With Joaquin Phoenix. Yeah.
And Brendan Gleeson. Holy shit.
Wow. Genius.
Genius. Okay? Yeah.
So I'm like scared. Yeah.
Truly, truly terrified. Yeah.
Like I'm not even kidding. Like I'm nervous in my trailer.
I called my agent. I don't even think I should be in this.
Yeah. No, no, no.
I love this. It's all fine.
It's good. Yeah.
Okay. Because I'm out of my element.
This is not what I do. And, but I'm, I listen, I like acting.
I like challenges and whatever, but it's a tough one to start with. There's a lot of blocking in the scene.
There's a book that I have to move across the table. There's lines, but like, as I'm doing the lines, like the, you don't have to look like the director would come up to me.
He goes, listen, here's a scene. You say your first line.
After you say your first line, you move your book, the book, you put put your hands on the book don't block the title of the book yeah block the cover yeah move it 70 across the desk 80 it's at a frame do you get that yeah i go yes and he go then you're gonna look and brendan you're gonna look at brendan but you're gonna wait for him to say his line yeah after that joaquin's gonna pick up the phone at that point you wait one beat you say half of your line okay joaquin's gonna look at you he gives you a look he acknowledges that you're there yeah and then you finish your second line yeah okay i don't know what and he would say this to me he'd go what the fuck is the problem here because he was being very like and i get it i respect him he's a great's a great director, and I like being yelled at, and it was deserved.

And,

but Joaquin was like,

he's doing fine.

Like,

Joaquin would turn around

to the director and go,

he's okay.

And I'm like,

man,

I'm doing fine.

Yeah.

But they would yell,

so then there was like

80 people around you,

were on the universal lot,

all the cameras.

Okay.

And then they would go action,

and I would go,

I mean,

I would fuck it up

every which way.

Yeah.

One time,

one time I was so nervous,

I didn't even say the line.

Yeah.

I just moved the book.

Yeah.

Thank you. And then they would go action.
And I would go, I mean, I would fuck it up every which way. One time, one time I was so nervous.
I didn't even say the line. I just moved the book.
I just moved the book and looked away. And the director starts going, why the fuck are you looking away? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow. He goes, just say the goddamn line.
Does that make you even more nervous? Oh my God. Yeah, yeah.
I can't imagine. This was one of the worst experiences of my entire life except it was good at the end i guess i don't know um did you sing what did you sing no it's it's a musical i should oh yeah yeah yeah i couldn't even speak so then he would come up to sing he can't get through a fucking line in a book shift so he'd go like this but it was hard i'm telling you i know i'm i know it was but it's just his questioning is no it just made me so but i get it i apologize i apologize but i should have sang yeah yeah but the point is i was there and then i would do it again and then he would come up to me and go okay he'd go he goes listen he goes the line is actually this and i said and i'm not saying that he goes no you've never said the line.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you've actually never said this line.
And I said, he goes, so he goes, just forget it. He goes, just say, he goes, this, just sit close enough to it, you know? Yeah.
And then eventually I got it and I did it, but it was very hard. It's hard to do.
And I felt bad because again, I'm not an expert and I felt bad. It's your first one.
What are the chances the scene does not make it? I didn't think it was going to be in it. Okay.
But is it? Do you know? It's in it. That's great.
That's great. Do we see a photo of you on the internet at all? I don't think.
I think maybe there's one little photo. Oh, really? I haven't seen the scene because it's not a pivotal scene, I don't think.
Where is it? Yeah yeah it's with security guards yeah yeah it's with security guards but i didn't i didn't know if they were going to put it in but they put it in because todd said he got it at the end he said it was good at the end zoom in is that him i don't know where i am where am i there's timmy there's timmy and maybe and you know what it look D. And maybe, and you know what? I look like I'm doing acting there.
Yeah, that looks so. I actually look like I'm doing.
If I saw that photo, I was like, oh, that guy's a good actor. No.
And you know what? Maybe, literally, maybe I shouldn't have said anything because maybe my scene is great. I bet you it is.
I bet it is. Here's the problem.
It's shot so beautifully. We internalize it because the things that we're feeling and thinking, right? No one else feels that's right because it happens to us right it becomes a big thing i think i just because i wasn't saying the line or doing the blocking doesn't mean i was doing a bad job exactly no i was yeah i mean that's feeling yeah yeah because i was feeling it out and that's what actors do yeah i'm like becoming the um thing.
How was this guy in the middle? That's kind of Ricky Gervais looking. Was he good? Yeah.
He was really, they're all really, here's the thing. I mean, Gleason's phenomenal.
They're all really good. All these actors in this film were excellent.
And it's hard to be an actor. Cause I was talking to them and like, they, they just got out of COVID and they hadn't booked anything.
And a lot of them were like, this is their big big thing one guy went out and got covid and they had to get rid of him wow jesus and this was like his thing it was his time um i i have a story that's kind of like this forget it forget forget it i said forget forget it i'm interested no no forget forget forget i'm not even gonna do it now what is it what's the fucking look for That was rude I was waiting for you To tell your story No you're like How dare you interrupt This magical thing We got going on Well no I mean He has given us Some really great juicy shit But no let's hear your thing No I don't want to know Because it's not even That good now It's not even that good now Let's go back to the No we're not gonna carry on Thanksgiving was good I saw Thanksgiving You were great in that Thanksgiving was good Yeah yeah yeah Thanksgiving was really good But this is um Tell tell your story i'm not thanksgiving what movie was it that you had forget it it's okay no no don't let it when you were when you did a bad acting job what movie it was pretty bad well because that's what i'm yeah yeah so anyway and you know that's all well come on tell your story for real well cut it out then because i don't think it's gonna hit now what tell it if you're if this can we do the segue again then yes let's do it let's do the segue well you got you remember you're talking anyway yeah so this and that yeah did you ever have any experience no i'm doing it all right i get to do i didn't know i'm very good at segues i know you're very good oh wow so yeah gleason wow well i have a story kind of like this. What is that? What happened?

That was so good.

Yeah, thanks.

And I wish that happened before.

No.

Don't you wish it?

Have you ever had an experience that's similar to mine? It's over, Kim!

What is the experience?

What happened?

Well, I was in the movie The Dictator.

Yeah, we remember.

Great film.

Beautiful.

Playing Kim Jong-un.

No, I wasn't playing Kim Jong-un.

No?

No, no, no.

No, I'm serious.

That's what I'm saying. Already now? Yeah.
This is what's going to happen. That's not Kim jong-un no i wasn't playing kim jong-un no no no i'm serious that's what i'm saying yeah already now yeah this is what's gonna happen that's not kim jong-un yeah that's not kim jong-un right so i have this right so i have a couple of scenes in this movie okay and i've you know that's my wife in the movie dude i'm handsome you look really good i look so good you really do yeah yeah so there's a scene where i'm walking out of a bathroom with ed norton yeah and i just blew ed norton in the bathroom okay right and so um larry charles and sasha are on set and they're like all right bobby you're gonna walk out first right you're gonna hit the mark right turn around right and then he's gonna come from behind you and this whole thing i have I have to memorize this whole thing, just like yours.
That's why I'm saying this story. I'm kind of panicking.
I'm doing the best I can. I'm going, hit the mark, turn left, say the line, this and that, and he's going to walk this way.
Me and Ed go into the bathroom and Ed Norton goes, nah, we're not doing it that way. I go, I'm going to go out first.
first. And I go, what? He goes, yeah, and I'm, so, you know, I know he said this, say that, I think it's better if I say this, then you turn around and you do the, you know what I mean? And he changed is the whole fucking thing.
And now in my mind, I'm like, oh fuck, whose idea do I do? Right. Do I do Ed Norton's or Larry, the director's? In your head, you're like, the director.
Right.

Even though he's a star.

Right?

So I said something.

This is the smartest thing I've ever done.

I went, you know what, dude?

I love that.

That's fucking great.

Let's do it Larry's way first.

And the second tape, we'll do it your way.

And he kind of thought about it. And he goes, all right, man.

He'll hate you forever now. Why? Yeah, you don't step on Ed Nort.
Wait. Fight Club? What? You're going to step on Fight Club? Are you fucking out of your fucking mind right now? Shouldn't have done it.
It was incredibly disrespectful to Ed Nort. Are you fucking joking me right now, yeah fucker yes relax all right jesus christ you're getting so caught up yeah that scene he's handsome yeah he's very handsome that is really but it's an interesting note though that he told you he wanted to go out first you think that has to do with is that star shit yes it could have been is that star shit he's he's also an actor's actor right i know but that's also some star shit yeah yeah like you know tom cruise will say that often that people it'll be written a certain way and he'll often be like no no i want to be in the front of the line joaquin would do stuff like that on set because you know he'd go i'd like it to go there i'd think this way and he's a genius yeah guys like yes probably our greatest greatest living actors top five he's in there i mean him it's gotta be daniel day lewis let's go through the list daniel day lewis right that joaquin phoenix joaquin right uh um kevin james kevin james we bought a zoo yeah yeah that's great what would happen if someone yeah kevin james that's or yes um who's the you it's good Kevin James for sure.
Ready? Governor's Comedy Club in Long Island. I'm headlining.
My first time. Yeah.
The owner of Governor's, great guy, love him, Jimmy, comes back to me, Italian guy, swag, comes back, he goes, listen, he goes, Kevin James is doing his new TV show on Long Island. I go, great.
We love him and that's great. He goes, so he's coming tonight.
He's doing 20 minutes on all your headlining shows right before you go up. Great.
So it's going to be the feature, Kevin James for 20 minutes, and then you. Great.
Okay. Now, listen.
So Kevin James goes up, and they bring him up, and they go, ladies and gentlemen, every now and then we get a drop, and you know how it goes. Yeah.
The King of Queens. Oh, he's already famous.
Oh, he's bringing, he's coming back to TV. Right.
He's massive. He's all right.
Okay. Okay.
I thought this was young Kevin. No, no, no, no, no, no.
All right. Before he made his second TV show.
Huge. Kevin James comes out.
Right. Okay.
He gets an applause break in Long Island that i would only describe as like it's on it's unreal right it's like it's it's just it's john lennon coming back to alive yeah the beatles reunion it's one of those you know what i mean it's one of those things it's like it's like like crazy right and it's it's it's several minutes of clapping and standing before he does his first joke he then kills for 20 minutes of course with like new stuff with just stuff he thought of like whatever murdering then he leaves then the host comes back on and goes now please well by the way no introduction goes now please welcome tim dillon i walk out on stage yeah the people in the back are so drunk they think it's still kevin j they're far away they're in the back and they're drunk yeah yeah yeah and so they're just looking at shapes yeah yeah yeah and they're going and then literally I start to talk and people audibly start yelling that's not Kevin James wow they think like they switched out Kevin James in the middle of his set yeah yeah they're drunk now they go, what happened? Who's this? Yeah, yeah. This isn't Kevin James.
Yeah. This is something.
Do you have a story like that? Do you have a story like that? No, never. What? No, no.
I never had a mid bump. I do have a story like that.
See, I don't like this, what you're doing, dude. What am I doing? Get excited about my stories, too.
Oh, my God. I'm excited.
Tim, wait till you hear this story. Do you have a story like that? Yeah, but forget it.
I mean, I get bumped to the comedy store more than anybody on earth. And I've said this before to Bill.
I think Burr specifically, it comes in. He's like, who's in Maine? And they're like, Santino's on that.
He goes, me. He bumps me every time.
Wow. Without fail.
I think I said that to you. I was like, it's magical.
I think he loves bumping my ass. He doesn't go long, so that's good.
No, I think it's just he knows me, so he doesn't care. Have you been bumped at the comedy store? I think we all got bumped by Leslie Jones.
Leslie Jones. Oh, that's right.
She's bumped me a thousand. How did you feel about that? I didn't love it, but it's okay.
I just said, I'll just leave. Yeah, we just leave.
I'll just get in my car and leave. I leave.
Yeah, I just leave. Sometimes we don't even show up.
That's right. A lot of times we're being bumped and we don't even know because we're at our house.
We're gone. Yeah, that's true.
That's true. But do you think that's bad karma on our part? No.
Like calling in? No. No.
No. It's fine.
It is? No. I used to get bumped at the Laugh Factory back in the day.
Nothing means anything factory nothing means anything by dane dane used to love bumping oh he loves and he would bump and do an hour back then that's when he would bump you know and i'd sit in the back 30 40 50 and then by that time you're they're gone you're gone and then the next couple times i go back and i would tell jamie i'd say oh i'm not gonna be buddy why will you live he's gonna be quick i was like no no i'm fucking i'm already home i'm already home fuck that wow sometimes i would text a comic i knew that was there and was like is he still on yeah maybe he's cooking baby that's what he'd say about i haven't been in a laugh factory since i broke his foot yeah why yeah i broke his foot danes no jamie masada's oh my god I broke his fucking foot how I was like

I did a good spot

this was years ago

and I was in that

front area

you know

yeah

and you know

he always hangs out there

sitting on those stools

and I walk up to him

and I'm jumping up and down

like a fucking orangutan dude

I'm like I killed it

I killed it

and I stomped on his foot

he screams

oh buddy

buddy

right

and

then two days later

he goes

I went to the hospital

you broke my foot

and I haven't really been in there since

Thank you. but he's screaming, oh, buddy! Buddy! Right? And then two days later he goes, I went to the hospital, you broke my foot.
And I haven't really been in there since. I feel so bad.
You know what's so fun? He's like a fun little toy to play with because he's tiny. Yeah.
And he, I used to like bully him into money because they were, at one point they were like not paying anybody right now. Right.
And so I was like, give me money right now. Give me money.
And I'd be joking with him, but he'd pull out money as like a bid. I'd see him go, okay, I'll give you $100, buddy, for food.
You be joking with him but he'd pull out money as like a bid I'd see him go okay I'll give you $100 buddy for food you want $100 and he'd pull out money and I would steal money from him and I did it a lot like I would do this a lot I feel like I did it way too much and I would just grab his money and he'd be like buddy come on but I was like no you're fucking the club never paid it's Robin Hood do you play there? I've never seen you at the Laugh Factory I go occasionally and I'll'll do, there's a few shows there that I've done that's fun. And it's always fun when I go, but I just, I don't know, I'm usually the improv in the store.
Yeah, yeah. Store in the improv.
What's your favorite though? What? What's your favorite? Store. I think, you know, but I'm starting to love the improv a lot.
I would say overall the store, but I got to be honest with you, the improv, especially recently, I feel like is amazing. is amazing i do love it i love it too and i'm actually starting to like the ice house yeah even though after you and i had a real wild experience we had a wild experience and i just didn't do well and i handled it maturely i went to like salt and straw and just climbed in the thing like you know that with all the ice creams i just climbed yeah i said just leave me here overnight.
But yeah, he called me and goes, just come back. I'm like, fuck.
I go, Tim, you got to come back. Yeah, because it's the second show.
I was like, I hate it. We can't not do the second show.
I'm not doing it. But I came back.
I did come back. You did? I did come back.
They have changed too. Yeah.
And it's better now. It's really good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Because when I first went there, they treated me so poorly. Oh.
Right. like they didn't know who i was they don't they're like go around they did i go no i've been coming for three years this is where you come through go around you have to walk around and i just show my id oh yeah right and then come in and i'm like where's the green only comics go in the green room i'm on the show like that kind of vibe yeah but then when i fucking talk shit and then they then they call the best thing is watching someone go to the mothership who doesn't know like someone who just rolls in who's not known and they roll in with like a crew of people and it's like oh no no no no there's security yeah like this is a legit place now obviously you mean a comic that comes in with a group of people yeah like a person who just doesn't know yeah know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there's just not knowing.
Yeah, yeah. There's just not knowing.
Yeah. You know, and it's like, it's just funny to watch someone who's like, hey, this is my buddy or whatever.
And they're like, no. Yeah.
And then there's like, there's like, you know, like Navy SEALs looking at him. It's just an energy.
It's an energy, you know? Yeah. There's a bunch of guys kind of standing there standing there like, this? Who's this? Yeah.
buddy he's just gonna hang out and they go huh they just look there's a feeling yeah and i always like to watch that happen yeah i was i mean that night when rogan we went to black keys that's when i realized oh he's the mayor of town come on yeah he's the mayor of that town of austin i mean he, he's got- Yeah, bulletproof fucking SUVs.

Absolutely. Security, the whole fucking thing.

Absolutely.

Yeah, that Black Keys concert was weird.

It did feel like we were, the CIA was protecting us.

Right.

Like, I felt like we were being watched and protected.

Like, guys with radios and shit were talking to each other the whole time.

Yeah.

Can I tell my story now?

Yeah, please.

It was a little too late, but-

Give it.

All right.

So, anyway. my story now yeah please it was like a little too late but give it all right so anyway what is it i did a movie what's the what's the movie that you did with henry lao with who henry lao yeah he's a pop korean pop star i love what happened with henry oh it was crazy dude tell me yeah anyway um i did a movie with henry la Oh, it was crazy, dude.
Tell me. Yeah.
Anyway, I did a movie with Henry Lau. That movie.
Final Recipe? Yeah, there you go. I did a movie with Michelle Yao's in it.
And he's a, right. So that, that event.
So that event was like. It looks like a K-pop guy and his manager.
That's what I mean. So this is what happened.

It's all K-pop stars.

Yeah.

Right?

And they go, ladies and gentlemen, Henry Lau.

Introduce me first.

No, no, no.

Right?

So the place goes insane.

But in the mayhem of the sound, they had said my name.

But no one heard it.

Right?

Abby Lee.

Right?

So I now look like. See, I wish you didn't do the, I look like his manager.
You do. I know, but the thing is, that was the joke.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh.
Yeah, so now I can't go. Hey, hey.
Now everyone thinks. Right.
I'm his manager. But run it back.
Yeah, try it. Come on, just try it now.
Yeah, try it. Try it now.
We'll cut it. It's good.
Try it now. Okay, try it now.
Yeah, go. Anyway anyway so you know we're at this pocket pop henry lau comes out the audience is right and in the midst of this gigantic sound they said my name now no one knows what now they think i'm his manager oh my god yeah that's fucking crazy funny It's crazy the way it all works.
Yeah. You know? You know? Yeah.
Yeah, it was crazy. Yeah.
You think Diddy is going to be okay? He's in trouble. Yeah, he's going to be fine.
He's in big trouble. I think he'll come back.
He'll bounce. I think he'll be okay.
He'll bounce back. It happens.
Yeah, well, he's cooked, my friend. Happens to the dinner.
Son, he's cooked, son. I mean, Eminem's lyric is phenomenal.
Did you hear that? Which one? What did he say? He goes, look up Eminem's lyric about him. It's actually, because I don't want to misquote it.
He goes, like, I'm a R-A-P-E-R. Got so many essays, huh? Essay? Wow.
And he goes, he didn't just leave out a P did he my god listen to that I'm an R-A-P-E-R got so many essays huh essay he didn't just leave out the letter P did he Jesus Christ wow that's killer did he just recently write that? But if Diddy is innocent, we're all going to feel stupid, including him. Yeah.
Take it back, Eminem. To be honest with you.
Take it back. We'll feel bad.
Well, everyone will feel stupid. Like all of us.
Is there a shot that he can get out with good lawyers? No. Why? Yeah, I mean, OJ didn't even when I was a kid.
Cochran's not around. When I was a kid, all we believed in was high profile defense attorneys we grew up with them i watched we watched him get oj out we watched him get all these people out like we got excited they all had names like like like irv irv fishman or ben brathman and they would come in there and they would just fucking kill and his da would get up and she'd be like they found the gun and he'd be like you shut up and he'd have a four thousand dollar suit yeah and he'd have a rolex and you'd have a bunch of rings and he'd go look at this like that's what he'd say look at this and be some like frizzled hair of the state represented and as kids we were like the best thing about our country is that if you're rich and you kill someone, you get one of these guys who are the coolest people in the world.
Right. Johnny Cochran.
What's the other guy's name? Bob Shapiro. Bob Shapiro.
Oh, dude. These people are fucking awesome.
Is Dershowitz one? Alan Dershowitz? Well, yeah. And he went down with- He went down the other- He was a good one.
He was. He went down.
The Dersh. Look at him.
The Dersh. The Dersh dog.
Look at him. They got his ass.
They got him. The Dersh dog.
But he's still out there. He's debating CNN.
He's on Piers Morgan all the time debating. Yeah, yeah.
Wow. Man, they made him look so bad, though.
The Dersh dog got taken down. Well, what happened to him? Because he was, wasn't he for, what's his name? Flight logs.
Yeah yeah he was defending all the flight logs and all that bullshit well he's trying to he was like advancing the argument that epstein had a nature conservatory yeah yeah this whole thing's been a big misunderstanding right the guy just said look at that he had a green thumb yeah who you mean green thumb epstein look how many times did he go to the island look at it look at that him and larry david this is my ninth time in a fight in a grocery store in marta's vineyard him and larry david yeah larry david was like yelling at him because derchwitz was like i think you know obviously coming out for like like epstein and trump and all the stuff like and and larry david and him got into it that's fucking right look at that this is the world we live in and what do we learn today truly that you're rich enough and you kill someone, you can get away with it if you got a Dershanger out. It depends.
If you got an nerve to come in with a nice suit. Yeah.
We learned the title of this episode should be somewhere in the middle. The truth is somewhere in the middle.
The truth lies somewhere in the middle. The truth lies somewhere in the middle.
Because that's the way it is. That's what it that's the way life is that's the truth and that's what i would i would i think that we should remember with diddy the truth lies somewhere in the middle well that's what i'd that that's what we should all and that's by the way i wouldn't even try to say innocence if i was his lawyer that's where i'd go i'd go i wouldn't even go like anything because that's never gonna happen right yeah yeah so i get up there i go listen is it as bad as i say no was it great not great you're a great no i'm telling you you're a great defense i would have been a great defense attorney wow i would have said listen none of this is great i'm not here to tell you that this was great what i'm here to tell you yeah is that i'm a jury i'm sure it's not nearly as bad as what they're saying and like many things in life and and i would say to you pay attention and say please pay attention i would say when i'm looking at the sky you're thinking okay all right i would take a while to learn that and trust that all right let's start oh you want to start start over we're jury here we are ladies and, we are.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm here representing Mr. Combs, and I'm going to tell

you this.

Am I going to stand up here and tell you that this was great?

No.

I'm not going to say it was great.

No.

But was it as bad as all these people are saying?

No.

Like many things in life, the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

That's life. People have parties.
Things get out of hand. No, it takes a lot of people to bake.
I don't know what the exact term is, but the point is that- Cake. Yeah.
Can't speak on the joke. Okay.
No, but I would actually... My bad.
I got to be honest. I would actually kind of like that.
Yeah, yeah. I like a kind of a give and take.
Yeah, that's really good. I kind of want a crowd work, Jerry, like a give and take.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I would say, I would say, before you go into deliberate...
Cake. Before you...
Thank you. Thank you.
Well, now it sounds like you're just being disrespectful to me. He's yelling cake at this guy.
It just sounds like you're being rude. I bet this guy likes cake.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds like you're being a little rude.
Okay. But I'm not going to motion for you to be dismissed.
What I'm going to say is this. When you are deliberating, I want you to remember that this is a person.
Wow. This is a person with children.
This is a person with children and a career. And this is a person who is more than the sum of his worst acts okay wow he's more than the sum of his worst acts let's deliberate deliberate what do you think not guilty no he's guilty yeah yeah he's definitely guilty but he'll be guilty he'll be guilty i can be sweet so easily also in the jury room you would be such a bad jury guilty oh no guilty what is it called a hang jury that would be yeah because of you but what's great about the defense attorneys is when they lose they go on cnn yeah cnn's like what happened and the defense attorney goes we's a rape oh right right yeah yeah he's a terrible person right now of course what did you want me to do i was making money yeah wow that was very intriguing well i'm telling i was that's how i would do it yeah i would also go into if i may yeah um into like we've all been at parties right we've acted a fool no that's your defense no i'm just i'm this is like you know i mean no i think he's not gonna hire you i'm at the firm we've all been to parties imagine the kid in the room of a law firm pitching ideas over how to yeah that's what i would pitch you like you're the main lawyer yeah right it's dylan and you know i mean jewish guy that's what the fucking that's the name of the firm smart well because it rotates it rotates yeah yeah who knows who knows who's yeah so i'm working on dylan and jewish guy and i'm like well we could talk about like you know people get drunk at parties and they make mistakes too no yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna say what about people who went to the parties at a completely great time right exactly bring them out yeah I bet we bring out a bunch of people that went to the parties and weren't assaulted interview Big Sean right bring him about that let me ask him me ask this question like what is assault well also what is human trafficking what is it that's very good I'm gonna write the whole what is it what are you even saying okay what are you what is that okay okay i feel like you're hired at the firm dude i'm working with dylan and fucking jewish guy i'm yeah dylan and jewish guy dude that would be a great law firm by the way yeah you would be like yeah i'll take that but what you really got to do what they really actually have to do is go and go the people coming out against him right now are all hoping for compensation where have they been where have they been this has been happening for decades and nobody's said anything that's how they put oh yeah yeah oh they oh they just oh like all these people in scientology oh they just figured it all out lee remedy you rat they're all rats and i go oh you all figured it out now yeah you're all liars oh they were all they're trying to get money from this client of mine wow he was a christian man yeah very good.
Very good. The Christian lean is always good.
Always. Christian lean's good.
Would you rather be a prosecutor or a defense attorney? I would rather be a prosecutor. I feel like I'm a prosecutor.
I think you are a prosecutor. Yeah, I'm a prosecutor.
What am I? What am I? You're a defense attorney for sure. I think, well, here's what I think is interesting.
You're mumble, bumble, scramble eggs. You're a defense attorney.
You come in all sloppily late.

You do something brilliant.

Like there was a guy, like you do, it was this woman, Dana Goldblatt.

She was an attorney.

I was a juror on a murder trial.

No.

Murder, torture, and rape.

Literally. Holy shit.

And we convicted him.

He did the wrong.

He killed his baby mom and all that.

That's her, Dana Goldblatt?

Yeah.

So she was an attorney.

Now what?

Oh, is that her?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's gotta be her.
So she defended this guy and she would wear these wacky outfits like miss frizzle on the magic school bus yeah and you would end up staring at this bitch's outfits all day and not listening to the thing oh wow so like i think you could do a fun right where you're like the prosecutor's up there doing something and you're doing something very distracting. Yeah.
Even some of my language,

I wouldn't even talk.

I would say something like,

Heyo.

A new My Cousin Vinny.

I would go to the jury and go,

Heyo.

You know what I mean?

Yes.

Because they're going,

did he say hello?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, and that's the whole thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then it's who cares who raped you?

No, I get it.

And I would say something witty like,

I just had some kombucha.

Yeah.

Right?

For breakfast. And dance.
Like you would dance. Tans had some kombucha.
Yeah. Right? For breakfast.

And dance.

Like you would dance.

Tansies and kombucha.

You bring in your kava.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You gotta like dance a little too.

Right, I would do, yeah.

Where did they say he hit her?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, you got me, dude.

I think it'd be a very good defense attorney.

You'd be a great, yeah.

Dylan Jujjai Lee.

By the way, can you imagine if you were going,

like if you were charged with murder and you looked at the two people defending you and it was me and Bobby Lee? Oh, my God. I have my sunglasses on and a red nose.
And you're like, what is going on with this? Yeah. I'm just like, yeah.
Kombucha. Kombucha, baby.
Dancing in with your kava, baby. Well, what do You want to plug dates No I don't care No I mean they're on their website Come see me Yeah Come see them live One of the funniest guys On planet earth Thank you very much Watch If you want to watch it on Netflix It's October 1st Thank you guys for having me I'm glad we finally did this Thank you And to give Tim Dillon Oh thank you for being a bad friend.
Tim Dillon, everybody.

That was so fun. Woo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.