The 2 Dumbest Comedians Alive

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Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

You use those?

You use those?

I tried the one.

Yeah, Tom and I did, a long time ago, Tom and I did an episode where we went to a sex

store and we got a bunch of sex toys.

Yeah, yeah.

And we tried them out.

Yeah.

And I'll tell you, there's one.

It's called the Man Wand. Oh.
Don't look at me. Oh, I know.
Harry Potter uses it. That's it.
That's it. That's it right there.
Oh, the Man Wand? That thing, dude, that thing, that thing is better than any chick you'll ever meet, any dude you'll ever meet. And it is.
Is a lot i like vibration i mean the first time i was

like i've listened to nikki glazer talk about like using toys so much yeah i never understood the use of a toy yeah and that like just for dudes i was like it's never gonna be better than my hand or a woman and i got that and i we bought that for two bears when we had tom just moved to austin and i didn't even bring it out out to show because there was nothing to show and i thought it was useless and and i burned my tour bus and i got it into my bunk and i i came in under a minute yeah yeah yeah it was like it was like do you remember the first time some chick some chick played with your dick and you were like and you i don't remember the last time even yeah i'll tell you that right now it was it was senior but let me ask you something this too um so. So I was in Montana for a month and I brought my sex toy onto the, in my backpack.
And then they always, it always goes to, they have to open it. Insecurity? Yeah.
And then there's always this moment where I have to explain to them and then they blush, but I'm not embarrassed. No.
I'm like, yeah, it's nice. No, I don't care at all.
We're so sorry, sir. You know what I mean? I was like, well, I don't care.
Oh, they thought they busted me one time.

My beard trimmer was going off in my bag.

Yeah.

And they're like, sir, something's vibrating in your bag.

And I was like, I don't know what it could be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But this is before I tried that Manwand.

Yeah.

There's a sponsor I want.

It's Manwand.

Yeah.

I just need a new charger Manwand.

I don't know how.

I want to buy a whole new Manwand.

Well, I'm telling you, I don't have a Manwand.

I have one at home right now that beats all, I think, Manwand.

Okay.

What do you have?

I don't know how. I want to buy a whole new Manwand.
Well, I'm telling you. I don't have a Manwand.
I have one at home right now that beats all, I think, Manwand.

Okay.

What do you have?

I forgot what it was called.

That's the only problem.

I didn't memorize what it was called.

But I'll tell you what it does.

Can you tell me what it does?

It's almost as if like.

It holds you and listen to your stories.

No, no, no, no, no.

Wait, can I keep guessing?

Yeah, keep guessing.

Keep guessing.

You're funny.

Does it not get DMs from other comedians? No, it doesn't do that. It doesn't do that.
Does it not leave? No. It just stays in your house.
It just laughs at all my jokes. But my point is this, okay? What it does is it sucks.
It does suction. Does a man want suction? No, it doesn't.
Well, that's a bad. Dude.
And then, so mine suctions and you can you know i mean so it does a suck you go right and then there's a vibration too right like there's an earthquake going on on my you know i mean i could be into that yeah yeah and it's the combination can we cannot talk about this is weird no okay but, you know, now girls come over to my house, and I have it out on the table. I don't care.
Oh, yeah. I don't hide.
I don't hide. I would be insufferable as a boyfriend.
Like, if Leanne passed away and I started dating, there's no- Or just divorce could have been a thing. No.
Okay. Yeah, well, why go to death right up front? There's no plan on us getting divorced.
Yeah. If she died, that's the only reason I'd start dating other people.
Really? That's the only way? We're never going to get divorced. What if she goes, um, I'm- I'd kill her.
Wait, let me finish. I don't- Oh, all right.
I'm going to make a drink. Hey, Bert.
This is already stressing me out. Yeah.
So, Bert, I just want to let you know- You're not doing a good accent. Hey, Bert.
There you go. There you go.
Hi, Bert. Hey, Bert.
Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert.
We have wonderful kids. We have wonderful kids.
And you give me a great laugh, right? But I'm going to tell you right now, man, I'm into the ladies. And I just think that right now.
That'd be cool. I'll go keep dating ladies.
We're going to stay married. But that gives you the green light to go with other girls? No, I probably won't.
Whatever you want. Okay, I discussed this.
It's not a Freudian. It's not a Freudian.
Freudian slip. Okay, go ahead.
This is why, like I was just talking to someone about this the other day. Might have been my daughters.
My daughters asked my body count the other day. What is your body six this year no my whole life holy six your whole life yeah my whole life oh my you're like a christian dude you're you're like a mormon or something this is insane i don't know who i was just telling this to but like i i definitely the problem is i was just bad i was i was not the first time I did it it was really bad who's I just telling this to and I it was really bad and so after that like just I didn't perform well I came fast I my dick wasn't even her inner it was between her butt cheek and the bed and then it was like it was such a nightmare that I was so like I remember getting into the bathroom after it was done looking in the mirror and so it was so humiliating and then even like my next two times were so still just not wasn't good at it and i thought i'd be good at it it's like saying like it's like it's like being like you're good you're good no i'm now i've gotten better yeah yeah but i was not but are you sure i'm sure no because that's what leanne says no no no now i'm good yeah but leanne could be lying to you you could Oh, she probably is.
Then you're not good. No.
Yeah. Now I'm good.
Yeah, but Leanne could be lying to you.

Oh, she probably is.

Then you're not good.

No, yeah, maybe I'm not.

Yeah, yeah, I'm telling you you're not good.

It's the reason like people that don't.

I want to say you're not good.

People that don't sing karaoke,

they sing karaoke for a reason.

Yeah.

So I don't fuck other people

for the same reason people don't sing karaoke.

Do you lock eyes?

Dude, I was.

Okay.

Tell me about that.

Like, I didn't even talk during sex. Like, I was silent.
Like Helen Keller. You'd moan like her? I'd freak out.
Just... Wow.
That's not good. Bread.
Bread. Feel the air bouncing off my hand, Helen.
Yeah. Wow.
You know, I want to.... There should be a statistic, right? And I don't know if this

is a fact. I don't think they have a statistic for this.

But I believe that

for fat Asian guys in America,

right? I think I have

the biggest body count. Oh,

what's your body count? I can't tell you.

What are you talking about?

When did you start keeping secrets?

Me and your open fucking books, Bob.

Okay. I don't know.
I literally don't know. You had to ballpark it.
Like, let's just ballpark it in Asian countries. Okay.
Are you China where it's like so big around it? No, no, no. Okay.
Are you, are you Japan? You're just, well, you can't compare it with a Chinese guy in China because it's like, I feel like it's easier. What do you mean? Oh.
Like, if I was a Chinese guy in China, it'd be easier to get gross. My point is, but coming to America, being a fat Asian guy and getting white chicks and Mexican all this, it's harder.
That's the fucking key. It's challenged.
That's really difficult. And I feel like I have the highest body count, I think.
It's easier when you pay, though. Wait, are you talking about your body count? You know what? I'm trying to come here with positivity, dude.
Right you're a little chokes dude right i'm gonna let them slide today i wish i had paid for sex you've never done it no okay i wish i had i look back and i go i'm bummed i never did yeah i don't know it's better to have you know when you get free roaming what's the same reason what free roaming you know i mean like in the wild yeah yeah yeah it's it, yeah. Yeah, it's more challenging.
It's like, you know, paying for sex is like killing a cow at a barn. You know what I mean? Like he's enclosed and trapped.
It's easier. Yeah, obviously.
Yeah. I mean, I don't know if there's cows in the wild.
I think the analogy is shooting fish in a barrel, not killing a cow at a barn. Oh, really? Yeah, I think you can't just apply that to any fucking animal.
I try to come up with my own analogy. It's like hunting horses.
All you need is an apple and a gun. All right.
Oh, yeah. Fish in the barrel.
Fish in the barrel. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wish I had paid for sex. The same reason that I'm glad I went skydiving.
Like, I'd never do it again, but I'm glad I had the experience would never do that you would never go skydiving bungee jumping i would do it with henry cavill oh superman yeah i think his name's cavill whatever and i want to say this too i don't know be controversial right now oh i'd love to hear this yeah yeah but not only i think he's the best superman of all time oh yeah i don't care No no no no There's no way to argue it There's no way to argue it Ben Affleck is better than Henry Cavill Who's better? Ben Affleck is better than Henry Cavill He's Batman Oh Oh you're right Yeah yeah yeah He's Batman Yeah yeah yeah Wait was Henry Cavill Superman When Ben Affleck was Batman? Yeah Yeah they fought Oh okay Henry Cavill's the best Superman fought against each other. That was my favorite Superman.
What, when they fought against each other? When they fought against each other. That was too long and convoluted.
And then Wonder Woman showed up and Aquaman was sitting in the war. No, Aquaman was not in, that was in the Justice League.
Aquaman and The Flash were not in that movie because I just re-watched them in fucking, in Montana because I had nothing to do. I watched, I went from Christopher Reeves all the way through.
Okay. Pull up all the Superman real quick.
All right. So I honestly believe I can rank them.
And let's just do film. I don't want to do TV.
Nick Cage was Superman. He was supposed to be.
Oh, okay. And in one of the Superman movies, he was in it or something, right? In the Flash, they do a little...
A little montage at the end where they showed him

a multiverse kind of a...

So I think that it goes

Henry Cavill,

then it goes Christopher Reeves,

then it goes Brandon Ruth.

Oh, I would put Kirk Allen in there.

You don't know Kirk Allen?

No, no, George Reeves.

Of course, George Reeves.

I mean, George Reeves.

George Reeves is the one

I remember the most.

Oh, that's the old school 51s. Dean Cain looks like the kind of guy that votes republican now doesn't he yeah yeah like he's got some he looks like kim jong actually look at him yeah yeah but um what do you think i think i i have recabble best batman no no what's your best best batman my best batman yeah yeah benafleck i'm a big benafleck fan the only reason i ever get sober if Ben Affleck called and said he wanted to be my sponsor.
You met him. No, I've never met him.
I love that guy. Wait, wait, wait.
You would get sober only if Ben Affleck asked you to... If he called me up right now and he was like, yo, it's Ben Affleck.
I would love to be your sponsor, get you into sobriety. I'd be like, fuck yes.
Okay, let me throw some... How about Anthony Hopkins? No.
For being sober? Or for Batman. Yeah, Anthony Hopkins would be a Batman.
All right, what about Brad Pitt? No. He's the only one.
Ben Affleck. I think I get him.
I get his. I feel like I like him.
I like him, you know? You know why? Why? He doesn't hide his emotions. Right, and I don't when he's walking out of the fucking limos with with JLo.
Normally, as a guy, we would be like, all right, there's going to be people there. Smile.
Yeah. He's just so drawn.
I'm like, I hate it. I don't care what people think.
And he's smart as shit. Oh, he's really smart.
He's so smart. Dude, I saw him on Bill Maher's.
What's it called? Real Time. Real Time.
And he fucking lit that dude up. Yeah.
Him and Matt Damon are two of the smarter dudes. They're so smart.
They're so smart. They are.
We don't have that. We don't even.
I mean, like, Rogan's smart like that. He could viscerate.
He's smart. Rogan and Burr are the two guys that could eviscerate somebody in a conversation.
Who are the dumbest? Me and you. By far.
By far. By far.
Stop. Okay, let's talk about Gaza.
I don't know where it is, but my point is, it's got to be near Israel. It's got to be.
Can I tell you, I really believe that Gaza is like Sunset Boulevard. Yeah.
Like, it's a road. Yeah.
Is Gaza a road? Yeah. It is, right? What do you guys don't know either, do you? It's a strip.
It doesn't have roads anymore. Wait, is it a strip? Yeah.
Like is it like the Vegas Strip? Yeah. Do people like for the bachelorette party, they go to the Gaza Strip? I don't follow any of it.
Yeah, yeah. I remember the first time Andrew brought up Gaza.
I didn't know where it was it was so he goes what do you think of gaza you know what i said to him i go azad and he goes what do you mean he goes i go that's backwards that guys are backwards right that's all i can that's all i know wait no let's don't don't bring this i don't want to talk about this so no but here's i'm just proved i comedians. No, no, no.
There are other people. I can throw.

Theo all of a sudden got smart.

I don't know when the fuck that happened.

But he doesn't.

If you watch his interviews, he doesn't.

He pretends to be.

I mean, yeah, man.

You know what I mean?

You can't say yeah, man, after someone says something smart.

How would you have interviewed Donald Trump?

That's a weird approach.

I don't know.

I wouldn't have done it.

What? I wouldn't have done it. I don't think I would have done i got invited to the national uh republican convention and uh i wanted to go just to get fucking wasted and just have fun and my wife wouldn't let me go she's like you will get caught into some conversation like billy bush and be like yeah grabbing the pussy yeah i just you know i hate that we're like that in this country i thought you're talking about we're still talking about me and you oh me and you were like that if you go to the fucking national republican conversation conversation but here's the thing is right i no no i can shut my mouth bull yeah i can shut my mouth i can shut my mouth i know how to shut my mouth oh you think that i'm when i go on the set of Sex and the City and I'm with Sarah Jessica Parker, that I start mouthing out about pussy? You know what I mean? Like, what kind of ass do you have? I would never do that.
No, I say to myself, shut the fuck up. Okay.
Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
Do you know that smart people don't have that inner dialogue where they go, shut the fuck up. Don't speak.
Don't speak. Don't speak.
It's not that we're dumb. It's not that we're dumb.
We just don't have that little thing in our brain. Oh yeah.
I don't. But that's not being dumb.
We would be in the Paralympics, not the Special Olympics. I'd take that.
Yeah. And the Paralympics is just people that are like physically there's something going on.
Yeah. Right.
But our minds are normal. Can I tell you the only thing I drew from the Paraly paralympics do you know the reporters are para reporters uh they're going too far no it's para reporters all the reporters don't have arms either yeah did you know that no i've been watching the paralympics really that's insane no no it's it's it's appropriation if they have like brian gumball doing all you have to do is this um are you paraplegic too as a reporter i'd be like yeah man what's up you can't ask someone what their illness is oh really that's uh oh then you can't then you can go yeah my toes are missing yeah if you go like so wait what's your thing you can't you gotta go i choose not to tell you really you're invading my body oh that's cool so then anyone can be a reporter at the paralympics technically yeah yeah just lie yeah, yeah.
Or just bump into a wall. Is it the same with Special Olympics? Same thing with Special Olympics? No, I don't think so.
See, this is where my brain's going, shut the fuck up, Bert. Shut the fuck up.
That's so interesting. I didn't know that, huh? Yeah.
But it's like, don't you think that's gone too far now? No, because that's the whole thing is that listen let's be honest if you're watching if you're watching the fucking 100 the 100 sprints and noah wiley's there yeah i got a guy with no legs doing the interview you're gonna like this is awkward this is really you couldn't you guys yeah if a guy's like hey you ran really fast and no i was like yeah to you like i run really fast you but like to everyone else i'm just really fast to you i'm like mind-blowing yeah yeah yeah are there um reporters that have limbs missing in the regular olympics interviewing no why would they because that's that's not fair no it's not okay it's not fair that's why they give them the jobs for the paralympics because here's the deal you are gonna if they show a guy with no arm uh interviewing an ice skater you are not gonna listen to the interview they're gonna you're gonna go what happened to his arm especially when his little shirt flat moves all right it's gonna distract you and i'm just telling you i'm being real that's why you know it's it's losing an arm it depends on where you lose it they just let women on the sidelines to interview football players like yeah when do you think they're gonna like it's a fucking can you imagine would you rather have your arm miss here oh fuck or right here it's a it's a game changer i've known a lot of guys without arms i i don't want to hear i know so many because you have that little piece sticking out like that i don't like that no no well you know that's not why you don't want it why i just don't want a little you know the little thing sticking out like this right i would do it here why why i thought why you don't want it why Why? Because this is't want a little thing sticking out like this, right? I would do it here.

That's not why.

Why? That's not why you don't want it.

Why?

Because this is a lot more usable, this thing.

Oh, this part?

You want the more of the limb you can salvage, the better.

So what's the worst?

Here?

This is the easiest.

That's the best.

If you just lose your hand, that's the best.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

I don't want to see photos.

I don't want to see severed limbs. We can imagine it yeah we can imagine it yeah yeah yeah here bobby it's this right it's this yeah yeah so yeah you say this is the best situation yes this right here is second best second best and then here if you lose it here you're it's tough yeah yeah tough but a lot of dudes what so i know i know probably four guys and a girl that have lost they lost their uh their use of their arm just hangs there like a dead arm yeah and they get it cut off because it causes so many and they like burn it on stuff and they bump it in and slam it into doors and so they got to get them uh taken off wow i know a girl that did that god we still remembered her name a really cool young lady.
She got into a moped accident in college and broke her arm

and then got in another moped accident and broke it again

and never got use of her arm back.

That's what you don't want.

Do you think about getting attacked by animals like a shark at all?

Wait, wait, stop.

You're coming at me so quickly.

What?

Because we went from amputees to sharks.

I think about shaking.

I know. So the connection is losing.
It's just like a fun day on the beach Yeah yeah yeah Don't go that quick to the sharks Okay Let's segue better Hey do you like the beach? You gotta bring this into it Do you like the beach? Oh I love the beach I was just recently at a beach Dude I saw one guy armed guy swimming in in circles hey are you afraid of sharks that's it there we go that's it thank you so much yeah yeah and and my answer did you see the guy with no arms swimming in the olympics no can you pull that up okay he's asian you're gonna love this bobby oh whoa he's asian yeah and no arms and the only reason he's winning the whole time yeah the only reason he loses is he doesn't have fucking arms. That's the only reason why he loses? That's the only reason he loses because the other guy goes like this.
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Not available in all states. Throw another thing about this guy.
That's it. Before you play it, I want to say one last thing look at this look at this i know we'll just give you let me do one last thing is what also sucks about his situation he can't even use his dick to help him to swim yeah it's like a rudder yeah but it's so oh oh i see what you're saying i paused the whole flow of it just to do a small dick joke right and it came out weird so go ahead so watch it watch him watch him watch him this he's just look at this oh my god look at him right he's looking that's him breathing though he's breathing but the only reason the only reason the other guy wins is because he's got fucking arms he's got to hit the wall with his head but with the arms what does he have he have? What's missing? You can't ask.
Oh, so you could be. You could be.
Okay. Watch.
The only reason that. But Gao's second.
That Ukrainian guy won is because the Chinese. That's Chinese, right? Yeah.
Look at this blind guy still. But Gao's second.
The Chinese took second. That's good.
No, but if he had one arm, just one arm, he would have won. that's life if i was six foot three i'd be yaoming come on yeah you know what i mean not really seven foot if i was seven foot wait hold on isn't he chinese yeah you get what i'm saying no jeremy lin yeah jeremy lin if i had a bigger dick i'd be uh shakiel o'neal yeah yeah exactly yeah so look i want to talk to you about something that because i want to get the facts straight shoot and um you know as people know i was injured on your tour oh god yeah okay let's get let's get it let's well i just want to because i just want to do some investigating here no i love your investigative reporting thank you so much i'm a big fan i seem to be the target of it every time but keep going i'm not targeting i know every time i get a fucking text hey did you see who was on bobby's podcast i'm like motherfucker go ahead i love it i love it so at 2 2 2 3 in the morning i fall off my bunk yes hit my lip yes get knocked out bleeding blood everywhere blood everywhere you know i i go to the um front of the bus i don't know what the fuck to do.
I go to the front bus driver and I go, hey, dude, I think I need to go to the hospital. He's like, you can't wait five hours.
Okay. We're almost there at Fort Lauderdale.
Five hours. So I'm sitting there.
You said you can't wait five hours? Yeah, yeah. Are you fucking kidding? I was hurt by it.
I bet you would have been hurt. I was so scared.
I was so scared I was so scared

so I'm sitting there

my shirt over my face

bleeding and I'm texting you guys

I text 8 people

god damn it I gotta find this fucking

you'll find it

alright you'll find it

please someone send me

that fucking chat thread

it was so fucking hysterical

how

it was because

I'll see you next time. And the only...
Please someone send me that fucking chat thread. It was so fucking hysterical.
How? It was because... So the problem with me and you is that when we get honest, sometimes people still think we're joking.
And so... Yeah.
When you said I fell out of my bunk, everyone thought it was... We didn't know that it was real.
And then Leanne was the only one that was like, wait really hurt that was you were she was the first person to be like bobby's really hurt yeah and so that was the what that was at six in the morning it was like around 10 a.m 10 yeah yeah i think they were taking you to the hospital already no no leanne's the one that saved me yeah leanne leanne you don't give a shit the first person to respond was mark norman he wasn't even on tour i know he was just like oh yeah you just left yeah and he and he got the text he was like getting on a plane and he said busted rip so funny i'm so funny it was so i'm gonna tell you who were the helpful ones it wasn me. I know exactly.
That's why you're not on this list.

Okay.

Who are the helpful ones?

Number one, Leanne, your wife.

Yes, she was very helpful.

Oddly enough, Dave Attell.

No.

Because he was the one that texted me a bunch of times afterwards to see how I was doing, checking up.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

I checked in.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

Yes, I did.

Nope.

I definitely did.

Fuck you. I definitely did.
Yeah, yeah. I did.
I 100% did. Listen, you know what you are? What am I, Bobby? Remember Game of Thrones? You know what I mean? Yeah.
Who was the original king before the Lannisters went in there? That big born Robert? Baratheon? Baratheon. That's what you are.
I'm Robert Baratheon? Yeah, you're Robert Baratheon. Is that bad or good? I don't remember.
It's in the middle. I'm the father of King of...
There you are. So I'm the one that gets killed by...
Look at you. That's you, dude.
I might be Robert Baratheon. Yay.
I always saw myself as a Ned Stark kind of guy. No, you're not Ned Stark, dude.
I'm a little more like Ned Stark. What am I in the world? What am I in the world? In Game of Thrones? Yeah.
You're the guy that throws fireworks everywhere. What? There's no guy that throws fireworks everywhere? Put an Asian guy fireworks Game of Thrones.
There's no... Asian guy fireworks.

Oh, I'm that guy.

Wait, that's... Whatever.

Yeah, that's David Chang.

I don't know what I'm thinking of.

There were no Asians in Game of Thrones.

Let's be for real. Who are you in Game of Thrones?

You're going to say Peter Dinklage's character.

No, I'm not.

No, buddy, you're not that smart.

Peter Dinklage is a gangster in Game of Thrones. He kind of organizes everything.
Jason Momoa. No.
Okay, no. Buddy, you're not that smart.
Peter Dinklage is a gangster in Game of Thrones.

Yeah, you're right, you're right.

He kind of organizes everything.

Jason Momoa.

No.

Okay, fuck.

You're more like Khaleesi's brother.

Oh, the one that gets gold on his face?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, Weasley.

Yeah, like you're not...

I'm more like a weasel.

No, no, no, no.

You know who you are?

Oh, thank you.

You are...

No, you're not Khaleesi's brother.

Give me another shot.

You are the... Baby dragon.
No, you're one of the guys that's on the night watch oh i know who i am who the kid that betrays him yeah you are right remember the kid and he gets home stabs him yeah you're the kid who stabs yeah yeah yeah the little kid and then he gets hung at the end yeah i'm him do you know what i wanted to do with you so bad what do i want to do a trauma bowl of candy what's that have you ever seen trauma bowls no have you never seen trauma bowls uh oh can we go back to the yeah yeah lip thing or what okay let's go back to the lip thing all right let's go back to the lip thing all right anyone's following this podcast they're like i don't know what they're talking about thank god they have andrew and tom to do no i like this i like this i do too yeah i like it okay so here's what i wrote i wrote are you are you fucking crazy i feel bad that i ruined it wait oh this is you this is you okay okay at two okay it's 206 so it's a little late in the day in the morning yeah what do i say i wrote when you when you say the people that are in the thing try to do their voices no no hold on so i can get i can't get this is just me and you what are you doing hang on i'm hang on i'm let me do my fucking investigative journalism all right so i'll just i'll just talk about my half of it okay so right here you have the first thing i do is send two photos in a gigantic group chat with for people that are in it. Okay? And then I write a letter.
Okay? Dear everyone, I fell off the top bunk and hit my mouth on a ledge and my lip is split open and I don't know what to do. Okay? And I say goodnight.
The next text I get is three hours later. Three hours later oh my god can someone please find the text that was just sent with all the texts attached of all the comedians replying to that that you just sent me i'm fighting with bobby and i need to win there's no win or lose there's only facts no i these are facts okay let me let me go to fully loaded oh yeah go to the fully loaded uh talent week one with bobby leonette i got week three i got week there's you have so many weeks because you and then i got week one yeah okay let me get to your face okay okay here we go okay this is timeline okay i know he was wrong okay he's wrong wrong okay okay good morning today's activities are the birdcast episode in birch shower room uh we also have a private pool with the bartender starting at 2 p.m 2 p.m snow cones trucks will be coming is there a ballpark for the podcast uh i don't know very loose plans and then bobby lee wrote oh hang on oh hang on that's right you're right you're right you're right you're That was like seven hours after.
I fell off the top bunk and I hit my mouth on a ledge. My lip is split open and I don't know what to do.
Thank you. And then he wrote.
Good night. Good night.
Kyle Kinane wrote, put ice on it and tell everyone you got hurt doing something cooler than falling off a bunk bed. And Kyle, fuck you.
Leanne wrote, oh shit. Yep.
Here we go. Rachel said, coming to help.
She's the best. And then Victoria said, coffee? Yeah, Victoria, I have issues with.
I have really big issues with Victoria, and I'm not ashamed to say it, okay? She put voodoo on the reason why I lip, my lip thing. You think so? Oh, yeah.
She said she would do voodoo, and then I got hit my lip. And so that's lip and so that's the one dude shit yeah anyway fuck victoria and then it says then you do the some asshole those good morning today's activities i'm about to die and somebody goes an activity is fucking announcement right and then and then yeah and then you set a picture the picture is horrific yeah but can and victoria

writes yeah you're doing amazing yeah leanne writes i'm so sorry bobby please let me know if you need someone else writes looks better yeah and guess what stacy says get some sleep Oh, that'll fix it.

And guess what, Bert?

From two to then, you don't text one.

You don't text one time you fucking asshole you're a piece of shit why didn't you text hang on victoria wrote i did see what he's doing i did not text once hold on i was busy doing activities who was at the bar i didn't know that i didn't know that it was as bad as it as it was i sent you photos i know but i was laying in bed i was sleeping okay okay and then chad daniels wrote your skin looks great okay mark anyway busted rip you know that was very funny good laugh mark good laugh he wrote whoa what happened you get will smith again very funny okay and then i wrote at i wrote privately to you oh you did i did of course i'm not gonna write to i don't write oh that's right Maybe that's what it is. Yeah, I wrote privately to you.
Oh, you did? I did. Of course.
I'm not going to write to, I don't write. Oh, that's right.
That's maybe that, maybe that's what it is. Yeah.
I wrote, let's go back to Bert. I wrote.
Okay. I'm way back.
Hey buddy, how are you feeling? Is there anything I can do? It looks, you're right. You're right.
I think you're right. Yeah.
Absolutely. Fly home tomorrow.
If you need to, I feel horrible. And you went, are you crazy? I feel bad that I ruined everything.
I wanted to be there to the remaining dates in a couple of weeks. I'm so sorry this happened.
I love you so much, but I can't literally open my mouth in so much pain. And I wrote, Bobby, you didn't ruin anything, buddy.
We were all bummed that this happened. I'm sorry.
Everyone loves you. I wish you were here to tell you that.
I love you to death. Take care of yourself first, brother.
I love you and have fun. And I can definitely have you on those remaining dates.
I go into it. And then I said, wow, does it still hurt? And you went, it seems a little bit better, but I'll see you next week.
I'm going to kill it for you. And I said you're the best and you know i want to say something very positive to you and your family what's that and um and i've i've never i never expected it and i also was like why would they do that but leanne calls me and she goes and by the way the dates you missed we're still gonna pay you for those yeah which is i mean i'm not gonna get i was emotional when I got that because it's not like I, it's whatever.
I would never even thought about it. Right.
But it's just the idea that you're just that cool that you guys would just do that, which is, and it's not chump change. It's a, it's a nice chunk of money.
You know what I mean? And so it's like, for me, I, you know, you know, I have to, I have to admit you and Tom over the years have been real friends and allies to me and Andrew and our family and this and that. And it's just a real blessing.
It's hard to give you compliments, to be honest with you. For real? Yeah, right now I just want to say something negative, but I'm trying to get into staying in the zone.
But no, you guys are really just really great guys. I appreciate it.
Really nice nice thank you i'll tell you i'll tell you why i'll tell you why we honor the money because when georgia was four she fell and broke her jaw knocked out all her teeth uh in a pair of crocs and i got pulled i got pulled off a tour because i had to fly home it was a sunday night and it wasn't a ton of money it was like we were making five thousand dollars a weekend we were doing probably five shows so maybe it was like a thousand dollars and i got i flew home i missed a sunday show and they docked me a thousand dollars and i remember being so fucking mad when you did clubs and i did clubs yeah yeah and i was like i was like wait i didn't i didn't bail on you my daughter got hurt and they're like yeah but you didn't do the show so we get to keep money and i fucking was livid you're not gonna tell me what club it is it is. It wasn't the club.
It was the fucking, it was Jameson.

Jameson.

It was Jameson Irish Whiskey.

And it fucking, it sent me through the roof

and I still have a grudge about that.

And so when we did,

and when we did Fully Loaded first year,

we did Mississippi and it got rained out,

Brandon, Mississippi.

And they said, you know,

well, we'll see if we can get everyone back.

I said, well, we got to pay everyone first.

And they were like, hold on,

we can't afford to pay them. It'll really fuck our budget up.
And I was like, yeah, but we can't stiff them. And so we reached out to everyone.
I think you'd have to ask the individual comics. But I think we gave them half the money and then bought them a gift bag to send them.
And then said, hey, we hope that you'll come back. We'll honor the hope of come back and do it.
And we'll honor the rest of the money. But if you can't, we'll just the money and so people that didn't we paid them the money and then everyone came back but i got i remember getting fucked by that and that bothered me so much so thank you very much the first video you said no really nice i love you dude here's the deal i love you more than okay okay i love you more than you love me that's fucking insane that you would say something like that try to talk shit about me on my podcast and try to talk shit about you on my podcast and watch what i do okay okay what do we mean i don't know what the group would be someone that doesn't like bobby lee like when you lay in your bed and you think the things about yourself that you think people are saying say those right now i'll be interviewing you you're someone that hates bobby lee oh so i'm a guy let me let me let me um create a character then okay what i'm richard who's someone that you dislikes you i don't see

that's the thing i want to create a character because there's a couple of people but i want to put third or name in there yeah yeah there's a lot of people that hate me yeah my name is mando mandu i'm christ no mandu calrone yes mandu calrone i'm mandu calrone okay what's up do I know who this guy is

Yo dude I'm Mando Calron

Dog I'm from fucking the inner

Suburbs of everything Okay. What's up, dude? Oh, I know who this guy is.
Yo, dude, I'm Mando Calron, dog.

I'm from fucking the inner suburbs of everything, man.

What's up?

So have you ever worked with Bobby Lee?

Yo, dude, that little motherfucker was a piece of shit, dog.

Oh, he's a good friend of mine.

Yeah?

Well, how can you be a friend with a guy that shows his pubes, everybody?

Oh, because I'm the same guy.

We're like brothers.

I love that guy to death.

Why?

What were you going to say about him? That's works wow that's what you that's what you do yeah but that's it doesn't get views on a podcast right ready this is how you get views on a podcast go ahead yeah be mandel carone saw mandel carone here dog from the inner suburbs of fucking east with sean washington dude, I loved your set on Def Jam. Thanks, dog.
What's up? Mondo. Do you know Bobby Lee? Yeah, dude, that guy, man, fuck, bro.
What a fucking creature of delight, man. He's a piece of shit, man.
Tell me what he did. What? He showed him a pube and stuff, man.
Yeah, yeah. That's what you really do.
Are you saying that when they're saying things about you that I should be more defensive of you? No, no, no. No, be honest.
No. Because I will be more mindful about that.
No, I don't. No.
But it's also who cares? I don't. But at the end of the day, it doesn't fucking matter.
It definitely doesn't matter to me. I try to think about like, I try to think about, I try to think of my brain as like a condo.
And so I have like, say I have 18 vacancies in my head. And then I go, who am I going to give rooms to? Right? A rich man's condo? A rich man's condo? Yeah.
Is that 18? Is it a lot? Yeah. I don't know.
Never lived in a fucking condo. I actually lived in an apartment building.
It's an apartment building. I lived in an apartment building.
Yeah, I said the wrong word. I never lived in a condo.
So, okay. Don't mind.
Shut the fuck up, man. So then you go, where are you going to? Who do you allow rooms in your condo for? Oh, I see.
Like, who do you allow? Like, because there was a time when I was younger. I have strangers in my condo.
People I don't know are in my condo. Really? Like 50 of them., yeah Come on in, sleep over, do whatever you want You know what I mean? And they just run around, fucking shit on everything Who do you think allows more strangers in their condo? Santino or Tom? Oh, shit Santino Really? Yeah, because I know Tom a little bit Tom doesn't, at least when I do shows with him on the road he's very like just calm but maybe he's doing an act no it's i really calm i don't think he he has a weird thing where he does he genuinely does not care about things yeah i think it's also losing his dad for him was a new thing of like and then christina going through what she went through oh my god i think he was just like okay i'm done giving a fuck i think he was like i got a condo and i'm gonna give 16 rooms to what's going on in my life with my kids and my wife and my and whatever but i think so yeah i think santina i can't santina doesn't strike me as someone who's there's people that live there really yeah and they're strangers okay who do you think he has more people in their condo shane gillis or joe rogan oh shit shane gillis yeah you think so yeah i think I think he has more people in their condo Shane Gillis or Joe Rogan oh shit Shane Gillis yeah you think so yeah I think Shane Gillis I think yeah he still reads comments yeah but he also tells the people in the condo he I'll get you back he serves eviction notices yeah actually I know I know some people that have condos in his head I know I know a guy who rents a who's actually hasn't paid his rent a long time but he a long, he moved in.
And Shane's waiting for the right time to light his condo on fire. Really? I know who it is.
Oh, really? Yeah. Who is it? I can't tell.
Okay. Can I tell you? I have a Shane Gillis problem here.
What? Oh, he doesn't like you. No, no, no, no, no.
He loves me. Yeah, I'm kidding.
But can I tell you? Let me go to his text here. Yeah.
All right, so there's a Shane Gillis problem. I love him.
Yeah. You know what I mean? And he's a great guy.
So I have this thing now where I just refuse to do, because I just did a movie in Montana. I play a regular guy.
Like a white dude? Yeah, I'm just like a white guy. Like, there's no racial references.
For real? Yeah, never. You're not Asian at all in this? in this dude in all the roles i've had in the last five years reservation dog sex in the city all these magnum pi there's no real asian references i don't have an accent then it's not an issue you were in new new uh what was the new movie that just came out uh badlands borderlands borderlands you're just a regular regular dude okay so all the things i do is a regular dude right and i kind of refuse to kind of do asian ones right yeah so then he goes uh oh i saw you in you know what movie i just saw what uh the fucking movie you just did about fucking uh getting sober it's the variety yeah sweet dreams sweet dream yeah yeah all right keep going anyway okay you're great in that oh thank you so much i think you played gay and not asian yeah i was a little gay okay all right so this is what he writes He goes we wrote a role for you in Tires Which is great I fucking would love to do that show Right Then he goes if you're interested please be interested And I go fuck it I'll do it Then he goes yes Then I go I always say this no accent please He goes dude i swear it's all accent no english at all right then i go ha ha ha ha ha right then he goes that's one of the lines yeah he goes i'm not joking i'll explain that but i'm not joking i go can you send me the script You know what I mean? so what do i do if i have this moral thing of like because i desperately want i love those guys yeah o'connell all those guys right i loved i would love to do it but it's like do i do the do i show up and go okay guy i i do it you know i mean i don't also you can also love those guys and just love their show and just be like i love those guys i love their show i don't need to be in it but here's the problem is you do get like people do it's not a shitty thing but they just go I'm looking for like a fat drunk who oh let's get Bert and then you go yeah but I don't I'm like a fat drunk and they go yeah but that's okay and then you're just sitting there going I guess that is what I put out Asian accent? No, no, but no, but...
I mean, I really do. No, be real.
Do I do? In this show all the time. Do I do? On this show? I mean, come on.
You just said, do I do? Same, same, but different? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, because I talk so fast.
No, but here's the thing. They trust you.
They trust you. They trust me.
So if they're going to do an accent, if they're going to do a role like that, they want to go to someone who they know is funny and they know also can tell them that's not cool like you know like they wrote it it's a bunch of dudes from philly that wrote something fucking wildly funny yeah and they want to trust they they trust only funny people to do it so they're going to you because i know but i know but i guarantee you that whatever they wrote is funny as fuck i bet it is and it and it overwhelms the whatever asian accent thing you're thinking i'm probably gonna i guarantee you it's i would do it i'll put the buck teeth in i don't care i'll fucking do it but you can also but you can also just love those guys and root for them and go i can't wait to watch it well i want to read it first let me read it first yeah yeah yeah anyway okay i can't wait to see uh nine philly guys write an asian characters accent i know that's that's the challenge that's no that's the viral moment is you do the show in the day it airs you post the script where it's like uh uh whatever yeah yeah i should and since i talked about this then i talked about it here we're not gonna edit this out right no don't yeah yeah let me can i let me ask you another thing that i'm going through right now okay and it's something i about myself. And I can't talk to Andrew about it because he doesn't really want to listen to me.
Okay. But I have a thing.
So when I was in Winnipeg with your friend Tom. Yeah.
We're doing a show. Backstage.
I don't know if we talked about this, but have we talked about this? There was a guy backstage. He's a club owner in Winnipeg.
I know the club. You do? Yeah.
Yeah. Nice guy.
Seems like a very nice guy. That's the club that Tom bombed in horribly, correct? I don't know.
Yeah, keep going. So anyway, Tom goes, hey, this is a guy.
He's owned the club for years. Yeah.
And immediately I go, how come you never booked me? Why would you say that?'s why that's the thing yeah you can't say that why because it doesn't matter it does matter why i'll tell you why okay keep going there's all these clubs in america that i remember calling my agent because i had even before podcasting i did pretty good numbers right so i go good numbers what you've always done yeah yeah i mean i'm doing way better now but you know but um and and they would go they just don't want you right it would make me mad because it's like i want to play it i want it's i want to go to that city and play it and then look at their lineups like i have more credits whatever it would just build i would build a resentment right so then now that i see these club owners now i'm kind of like weird yeah and i don't want to be like that but it's like am i the one that's in the wrong yeah you are i'll tell you why why tell me why teach me what happens when you get famous or when you get success in comedy yeah is you all those little fucking thorns in your side that wouldn't work with you and didn't want to fuck with you and didn't want to talk to you and maybe sometimes didn't even know you didn't even know you existed you you when you first get famous in comedy you're not famous but get some success there's an impulse i've seen so many people do it to light those people up and let them know now you couldn't get me or something like that right and and so it's ugly what you should say it's that guy i'll tell you i'll give you a perfect example of someone i love to death that i wanted to say that too okay who i wanted i wanted to work uh comedy works so bad denver denver so badly i wanted to i i can name a hundred of these clubs because i didn't have your career i had like a bullshit career like i had one where like no one no i worked on travel channel no one ever thought i'd ever make money no one ever thought i was ever going to become successful or get a special on netflix so like there were a bunch of clubs that just the cool clubs would never work me would never fucking work me that's interesting and so i wanted to work comedy works so bad but i always worked at denver improv which is predominantly a black room one of the worst and it's one of the worst rooms in the world i know and so i fucking i languished in the denver in the denver improv doing, never selling a ticket.

And I wanted to work comedy work so bad.

And then I met Wendy and there was a part of me

that wanted to say, why didn't you ever work me?

And then Wendy just was like, you're fucking hilarious.

Where have you been?

And I was like, oh my God, I didn't say anything.

And then she's, anytime I ever stopped by Denver,

it was all in your head.

Dude, I remember.

It's not in your head. He didn't book you.
No, how about this? I'll give you a better one. I'll give you a better one, okay? Anne Harris and Joanne Grigioni.
Love them. Okay.
They were the... I would say the kingmakers at Comedy Central.
They gave you half hours. They gave you hours.
And I remember going like... I remember sending audition tapes to them and i didn't get a reply no feedback nothing and then i was like fuck man i got so in my head that i was like i thank god i never ran into them drunk and said something because i would have said my emotions and i said all my feelings and then one day one day i get a phone call from both of them and they're like you're fucking so goddamn funny where have you been this whole time and then i was like it's yeah i get it never said anything i understand but it's but it's a natural instinct i watched a guy i watched a guy light up a fucking club owner who all he said was hey congrats on all the success and he's like yeah i bet you wish you would fucking book me now and then i was like why are you doing this he just said congratulations i would never do that yeah but but here's the deal he's had an arena and he's watching you perform murder murder with tom segura yeah he knows how big your podcast is yeah yeah what are you guys doing please say you're too asian we got a call from who from andrew okay santino hi bird what's up happy labor day happy labor day i'm in chicago with my family.
I'm drunk on my patio. I feel like I'm doing you justice.
I'm having a glass of vodka with your bus friend. We're breaking each other down with what's wrong with us.
Is he pissing you off or is it good? No, it's good. It's very healthy.
It's awesome. Well, tell him I miss him so much.
I love you. I'm right here.
I can hear you. I'll share all this with you going.
And honestly, between you and me, Bert, because I know it's just a private conversation, that I'm ready to get rid of this guy. I want to come be a part of the Poros.
Bert, can you tell him to tell him? We got a signing. Hey, we got a signing.
Hey, are you coming out for Skanks Fest inanks fest in vegas i'm not gonna be i'm gonna be on tour i already got shit for it three other times oh i'm i'm doing i'm doing the resorts world theater september 27th 28th it's the same weekend as skanks fest yeah but if you're i was gonna say i'll see if bobby wants to come out where where resorts world where's that 27th 28th it's in vegas i want to do it all right you, I'm going to have Bobby come. I'm stuck.
Well, I can do stand-up? Yeah. I'm stuck, but I want to go.
I love you guys. I love you to death, brother.
And I'll talk to you guys soon. All right, I'll talk to you later.
Bye. He keeps calling me noodle.
I don't like it. Noodle's not bad.
He goes, hey, how's my favorite noodle? I just don't like it. What's so funny? So wait, what were we talking about? Oh, I'll tell you why you said that yeah he goes and i get i got it he goes i just heard there's there's some wild aspects of your show that just wouldn't fit into and i go you know what i think you're right and you know and i only bring this up listen i'm only like this with certain clubs and you're right i want to change and so um and obviously in show business of course they're like directors like wherever you've been i've been in town for 30 years and i get i'm on their radar now right so that's why they say it and i understand it yeah and i'm blessed but it's like i it's the only reason why i brought it up is because it is an ugly side of myself that makes me feel uncomfortable it makes me go wow i wish i could just not oh be like that you know who doesn't say it who santino and tom do you know who says it what me and you yeah yeah we're better people but you got we better i let's be i would rather be us me than tom i'd rather be me than andrew yeah i think that's the truth can you imagine yeah andrew can you imagine being tom can you imagine being tom being Tom where everything's got to be like this? Like this? Yeah.
Yeah? I know. Yeah.
Hey, this vodka is great. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, this is a really cool car. When did you get it? Yeah.
Shipped it over from Germany like a week ago. Yeah, it was nice.
Yeah. He's just dead inside.
Yeah. I'd rather imagine being like this.
Oh, it's 8 in the morning morning i'm on a golf course and then at two i have 15 meetings and at three i gotta go over the fucking okay what do you want what would you want what here's what i know what both of us wish we could do more like our friends although you wanted to switch it up like what do you what would you take from them it wouldn't i wouldn't be tom's body i have such a better body than him it's way better ridiculous way fucking i mean it's not even fucking close bigger day for sure no exact same dick the exact no that's not true i'll tell you why i've seen it we've seen both each other's dicks together we were almost docking each other okay i've seen yours though yeah bueno bueno yeah very good thank you thank you so

um let me give you um he's better at um communicating with people in terms of like family wow are you talking about tom or andrew oh my god he loves being around family and friends yeah yeah that's some that's some he's better communicating with people like i'm not good at communicating Yeah.

If I get a text, I'm not good at communicating with people.

Yeah.

If I get a text, I go, I just don't reply.

I don't reply. That's actually the one close blowout fight Tom and I ever had.

Yeah.

Was so simple to solve.

Yeah.

But we sat down and he's like, we need to have like a legit conversation.

He's like, we run a business together.

We're opening another business.

Okay. Okay.
Keep going. And he said, you need to reply like a legit conversation he's like we run a business together we're opening another business okay okay keep going conversation and he said you need to reply to my texts i tried out and it's so funny here burnt that you say this yeah i'll show you something right here so then but i hate it when did the people don't text me back oh yeah and i'm all like so i'm gonna give you one right here i stopped texting people.
I stopped texting people because I don't want to wait for their text.

So I see Jordan Peele.

Oh, fuck that.

I couldn't text Jordan Peele.

So he's on.

I saw this photo online and I thought he looked so cool here.

So I go like an idiot.

I go, you look dope.

Nothing.

That was a week ago.

Okay. And it hurts me.

Let's see. Let's see who's got an unread text from me really how do you do that these i can i can find i can just go into anyone famous anyone famous doesn't reply to me all the time okay okay um i can find an easy one i'll tell you who just replied to me that i did not expect to reply i just said don't expect to reply was snoop okay i got i got a reply from a famous guy the other day who he i

got six blue hearts is that good jack black i go happy birthday and he gave me six blue hearts

oh because you guys just did a movie together and also he did bad friends oh he did yeah yeah okay

um I have

but nothing from Jordan

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was that not cool

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I have movie together and also he did bad friends oh he did yeah yeah okay um i i have nothing from jordan you look was that not cool at least love it you know no so the only ones that bother me are guys that i feel like uh like the that i go did i did i do something you know okay i think there's two okay so there's two things going on here if you're super busy i get it my fear is they don't text me back because i'm not cool enough and i think that there are people that are like that is that what you do to us for example i text you back i would never text you guys okay no no like i would like i'm i i have a list if you look at my list for my employees and not i don't know saying you guys are employees but if you look at all the texts they sent me i would never reply to them i'm not going to spend my time replying to them right you can talk to me when i see you yeah i don't reply to emails i don't look at emails what's the matter have i not been better about communicating with you guys? Have I not? Have I not tried? Okay. Then what the fuck's up with those jokes? Okay.
Okay? I'm trying. I feel like I am.
I feel like, you know what? I want to be more. Right? Yeah.
And then every time I try to do more, you push me down. And you say, it's not good enough.
And that's what my dad used to do.'m tired of it i see god okay can i can i jump yeah you can do whatever you want you can do whatever your time i'm on your team yeah i know you are it's not normal for us to be this connected to your employees yeah it's not normal for anyone to get access to me a hundred percent of the time like it's so glad you're so glad you're here yeah let's lay it down on the line dude we should not be able to get in touch with each other all the time i can't okay i can't tell you hey man uh i'm going through some shit with my daughter we're getting ready to go to college and then post a picture meeting edibles at the beach then you watch it and then go hey man you're at the beach what the fuck why'd you lie to me and say you're at your house packing up your daughter yeah and then i go you're not supposed to be able to call me on my shit that easy yeah you're not you're not i got i got caught yeah you did i got caught in a lie as i told someone i was like i'm packing up with my daughter i can't do that today and i was at the beach eating edibles and i just didn't want to do it right and i was like i should be able to lie to you like old school like in the 40s in the 40s yeah and no one calls me on it it was easier in the's not like I lied to you when I fucking killed somebody. I just don't want to be around you.
I'm trying to be nice. Imagine being in the 40s, okay? Oh, my God.
You and our comics. Oh, my God.
Okay. Okay.
Oh, where are you performing? Right? Not on my stage. Yeah.
I don't know. Not on my stage.
Chinatown. Okay, go.
San Francisco had a Chinatown. Keep going.
Okay. Just hypothetically.
Okay, we're both in the 40s. Yeah, what I'm saying is.
It's a world where Asians and whites live together. It's me, you.
I'm Joey Chestnut, your Kobayashi. Keep going.
Okay. I watched that.
They did a Netflix hot dog eating live concert today. And I thought that's fucking odd why i don't know i fall out of world war ii i just thought do you ever think our grandparents would be like so this is how it ends up yeah yeah or between the two just two fucking two of our people just eating hot dogs against each other wait we're that close yeah it's incredible how our our world has changed in that way holy it's so much more inclusive yeah it's so much it's like honestly i was in montana and i think 20 years ago if i was in montana i was there for a month i would have been like oh i can't go anywhere or i could get hurt yeah i wouldn't say 20 years ago i would by say 25 years ago maybe 40 or whatever right But, you i'm in montana and it's like not only is there no racism it's pretty inclusive i mean people are like hugging me and like i mean hey man can i get a photo i mean maybe that has something to do with fame probably a little bit you know i mean but i don't think i think here's the weird part is like well maybe i don't know maybe you're walking around montana as a korean dude people are like who is he why is he in this neighborhood oh shit it's bobby lee no because i went to okay i'm going to tell you something that happened to me okay so i was in montana butte and you know i had a couple of days off so i need to go to a a meeting really yeah so i went down to those still every day no i go to maybe once a week And I went to a church way deep into the suburbs oh fuck that's the aa meeting i want to go to and i was and there were people in there with like some people with oxygen tanks that's how old they were yeah all white old school drink all white fuck like old school white like and as soon as i walked in obviously everyone's 80 years old and super white and a little asian guy comes in there and they you know i turned heads but as soon as i sat down they're like would you like some coffee and then you know they put me some coffee and then they go um you know is there anybody from out of town i'm bobby from la and then they you know i shared and then afterwards what do you say like you don't have to tell me exactly what you say but like i'll tell you my share what do you share like do you go like hey um well you know this is so gross this is so gross of what i'm going to say right now dude but what i say little things to let them know that i've been in the program oh i thought you're gonna say you say little things to let them know you're famous no i don't care about that but it's more like it's more like yeah you know when dr bob and bill back in akron ohio you know i mean i try i try to like oh you know i mean that's wild i say dr silkworth you know when he talked about the psychic change and the doctor's opinion in the big book like i want to throw them some knowledge that i'm like i'm sober you know i mean just like you guys right and i say something maybe a little something personal why what's so funny i did something gross the other night all right let me finish this yeah yeah yeah yeah so but then the second time i went there i you know it there's only one uber in butte so i'm like i don't know how i'm gonna get home because it'll kind of later at night so this couple couple, beautiful, nice couple goes, Hey buddy,

we're big fans.

You,

you want to ride home?

I go,

yeah.

And so I get in the car,

really nice couple.

And they start going the opposite way of where my hotel is.

I swear to God.

And I go,

I go,

where are we going?

And they go,

well,

you're going to our house.

I don't know. And I go're my kids you're going to meet my kids oh my god okay so now I'm in the boonies inside a living room these two gigantic dogs are just you know attacking me these three kids come out of the room they're like wiping sleep they have school the next day and they oh my god nice to meet you know our dad took us to missoula this is what he said our dad took us to missoula and they gave us a 300 you know i mean that we just said 300 on new school clothes and okay cool i gotta get the fuck out of here you know it was so weird i mean what would you have done you have done oh I would have done the exact exact thing you really me and you are the people that we're the good ones yeah we're the good ones imagine imagine Bill Burr oh that wouldn't happen yeah that wouldn't get the fuck yeah I'm gonna get the fuck out of here no there's guys like him and Tom take care of themselves first they go I was taking care of myself no no no they no.
They would have been like someone said, can we give a ride home? And immediately they said, no, I've got a car coming. I've got a car.
I got an Uber. They're in charge of their shit.
Guys like me and you go to a meeting or go to a party and don't think of how we're getting home. Anyway, so tell me about you made a fool out of your fault.
Oh, I'm not doing it now. No, you have to.
You have to. You have to.
We'll cut it out if it's bad. Okay.
I'll tell you where I made it. I'll tell you.
You tell me. I'll tell you an even more embarrassing one.
What you're talking about is ego. It's your ego.
You want people to know you've been in the program. Yeah, yeah.
And so for me, my ego is that I've just like, I don't know. I think I was broke for so long.
All those stuff I was telling you about what young comics do when they first get famous,

I was guilty of some of those things.

Not all the time, but I definitely was guilty of them.

The other day, we're at Night of Destruction.

It's a demolition derby in Irwindale.

I'm with my wife and my daughter and all her friends.

And people are taking pictures with me.

They're coming up and taking pictures with me.

And one of the dudes kind of goes, who the fuck is he? And I heard him, so I said, I'm a comedian. And then he goes to my wife.
He does this. He goes, whoa.
Like, it must be making his head big. And it was like a weird fucking thing, but it struck me wrong, right? And then he said, so do you do stand up and i said just anywhere really and then he goes you do the improv and and this is what's crazy and isla called me on it i said yeah i used to yeah yeah i still do though yeah like if i if you still do i lied i've seen you there yeah i do it i've seen you there yeah i know and i said i used to and he goes oh did you have you haven't done in a while i said well i'm and then i start getting okay dialogue it's an inner dialogue with me to this guy and i go you know i'm off tour right now i'm taking nine months off and i've been on tour for the past seven years and i just got done this arena tour my daughter isla is like what are you doing what are you a person that does not give a fuck about what are you doing berg what are you doing what are you doing i don't know and i just and i was like because he did the thing though whoa like he must have a big head and i was like bitch i'm i'm watching you like i'm right here what do you mean yeah he's like everyone's taking pictures with you and he looks at my wife whoa and i was like oh i was like what the fuck and then i just I vomited my ego onto his shoes.
Yeah, would you too? And he was like, oh, I was like, what the fuck? And then I just vomited my ego onto his shoes.

Yeah, would you too?

And he was like,

he didn't even notice.

He was like,

cool.

So when do you do the improv next?

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

I fucking hate myself.

I know,

but you know what?

I get it.

The worst is when they go,

oh,

you do comedy? I go, yeah. Yeah.
LA. my friend rocky ramon yeah he does comedy out there you guys probably do shows together you have to pretend i got i got here's the worst one yeah when people go so if you get recognized and then other people go who are you yeah and Yeah.
I am. And I'm like, I'm nobody.
I'm just, I'm a comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But why are people taking pictures with you? Yeah. And then I cut to the fucking chase.
Yeah. And I go, I'm famous.
And they're like, I don't know you. And I'm like, I know that.
That's why we're having this conversation. I had a girl at a Grateful Dead concert come up to me.
Yeah. And go, hey, what's up? I said, how you doing? And she goes, I know you.
And I said, no, i said uh no i don't think so she goes no no we went to high school together and i went no i went to an all boys catholic high school in tampa i know we didn't go to high school together she's like no bullshit you're not from tampa i know you you're fucking with me and i went no i'm famous and she went no you're not i was like and she goes why would you say you're famous i go i'm. You think we went to high school together.
I don't know what the fuck to tell you. And then her friend goes, who the fuck do you think you are? And I go, my name's Burt Kreischer.
I'm a comedian. She knows who I am.
She just can't place it right now. And I guarantee you in a couple of minutes, you're going to know who I am because she knows who I am.
And they go, fuck you. And they turn around.
And then the girl in like fucking two minutes goes, you're the machine goes you're the machine and i went yeah i go what but i had to go through all this ego death right get to here right why can't we just why couldn't you at the very beginning be sweet and go hey i know you and i go no you don't you go okay maybe i don't and turn around i'll tell you i had a famous person do that to me one time yeah because that's the thing with famous people is you think you know them i did it to reese witherspoon yeah i thought i knew her i was like we grew up together she was like did you no but that's how that's what happens okay when you especially like someone like reese witherspoon is so beautiful yeah you just are drawn to her immediately let me throw that let me what would you say reese witherspoon she's okay to me it's just it's not my thing No, I love white. She's perfect.
She is the ideal white. If Hitler was going to make a person, it would be her.
Okay. I mean, okay.
That's it. Hitler would have been like, that's the fucking one.
We just had different sensibilities, Hitler and I. All right, keep going.
You were saying. I don't even know.
Okay. It's so embarrassing, I don't want to say it.
Say it. That's all we do.
I was in an event with this girl. I was sitting there at this event, and she was like, what do you do? I go, comedy.
She goes, yeah, well, like what kind of? I was saying, yeah, I'm doing, I'm killing it. I'm killing it.
I said, I'm doing really good. You know, every club I go to, I sell.
Club, I said. I said club.
I said every club I go, I sell out, right? And she goes, oh, that's cool. I go, yeah, yeah, it's's like cool I get like a versus deal I say oh Bobby

oh Bobby

I get a versus deal

and she goes what's that

the club takes

40 I keep 60 or I don't know

whatever the fucking thing is

this is the worst one I've heard

and I talked about it for about half an hour

about myself and I go what do you do

she goes oh I'm not really.

My dad's a comic.

I go, who's your dad?

She goes, Ray Romano.

That's the best one.

I completely made that story up.

Oh, are you serious?

Yeah.

I was like, I was in my head.

I didn't know what else

because I didn't have a story.

Pretty good though?

That's good.

That was really good.

You should make up more stories.

I do.

That's a pretty good makeup story, right?

That's a really good one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I give you a redemption one?

Give me a redemption one.

I haven't told anyone about this.

Yeah.

This is a big one.

I would love this one.

I'm going to love it.

This is intense, okay?

Okay.

Hold on, let me put a dip in.

Okay, I quit tobacco. I know you did.
I didn't know that. Sorry, I lied.
So, probably 23 years ago, I had a TV show where I interviewed Gene Simmons. From Kiss, the lead singer.
I was the biggest fucking Kiss fan in the world. As a child, Kiss was was the i dressed up as gene simmons i did my talent show as gene simmons i could sing every fucking shout it shout it out loud i knew every i knew everything right so i go to i do you swallow it i need water what a great interviewer.
I mean, this is like top-notch Oprah shit. Have you ever been watching real-time with Bill Maher when someone's about to...
Did you swallow it? It should be noted that I preface this with... I haven't told this story to anybody.
I'm so sorry. Oh, went down the tube okay go ahead shout it shout it out loud let's go i'm so sorry i love you please continue so so so so i do a show where i interview gene simmons and he was less than nice to me like i mean he was almost horrific right and so i fucking walk away i was it's called the x show is the late night talk show i walk away heartbreaking i go it's heartbreaking it's destructive because you go now i can't listen to their music i have to fucking write off my childhood as a mistake it really sucks so cut to this nexflix is a joke festival uh i'm at uh maybe the tom brady roast

i think and uh and nick simmons gene simmons son comes up to me and i know nick is friends with

tommy and he does his podcast and nick's really a cool kid he comes up he's like dude you're

fucking hilarious i was like thanks i know who he is i was like i love getting on the podcast i think the next school is shit. And he was like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

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I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I know who he is I was like I love getting on podcast I think Nick's cool as shit and he was like he was like I'd love to introduce you to my dad and I said I'm good and he went what I said I'm good I would not like to meet your dad and he goes excuse me and he goes uh he goes my dad's a fan and I was like buddy I had a bad experience with your dad and I'd rather not meet him and I said I'm sorry that I'm doing this I don't want to be around your dad. And he goes, well, my mom's a fan.
And I was like, buddy, I had a bad experience with your dad and I'd rather not meet him.

And I said, I'm sorry that I'm doing this.

I don't want to be around your dad.

And he goes, well, my mom's with him.

Hold on.

So he brings his mom over.

I think this was actually at my show.

It sounds crazy.

I think this was at my show at the forum.

Will you get the fucking story straight?

Is it at the way?

Because my parents were there.

My parents were there.

Well, that's got to be the fucking show.

It had to be my show.

So his wife comes over and she comes. And she's almost giggling.
She's with Nick. And she goes, I heard my husband was a dick.
And I said, he was. She goes, yeah, let's bring him over.
You tell him exactly what happened. And I went, no, no, no, no.
I actually do not want to be involved in this at all. Why? At this point now it's okay.
I'm Okay. Because also, he was a hero of mine.
Okay. And it is Gene fucking Simmons.
And you don't want to double down on the hate. And I don't want to have this moment.
I'd rather just never talk to him. Exactly.
Okay. I was like, I'm cool.
I've already hated him for fucking 25 years. Okay.
Gene Simmons walks over with his son and his wife, and he sits over, and he goes, I hear that I was rude to you. And I said, he goes please tell the story and i went okay and so in front of his wife and his son and him i tell the story verbatim as if i was telling it to you and shitting on a podcast and he looks at me and he goes i apologize for my behavior i hope you'll forgive me i think you're absolutely hilarious and i went you're 100 forgiven i said you're the fucking best dude thank you for this so much and he goes let me pay you and i said what he goes i'll give you five dollars and he gave me five dollars he goes are we good and i went yeah and he goes let me sign it and he signed the five dollar bill and he gave it to me and he was like he was like the coolest fucking guy in the world he got me back in a heartbeat in a fucking heartbeat i fucking bent to the knee i was like fucking shout it out i looked at his son i was texting with his son the next day i was like boom i go thank you for doing that thank you for doing that i was so his son's cool shit his dad his son what if this isn't the first time this has happened let's make amends what if he you go you go all is forgiven and he goes and spit right in? What would you have done? I would have fucking laughed hysterically and been like, you got me good.
God, I deserve that. That would have been great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Gene Simmons is a fucking gangster, and I've texted with his son a bunch.
Can I pitch you an idea? Oh, okay, go. We should do a secret podcast that we don't tell our partners about.
It'll make them mad. Then we'll just put it on Patreon.
It'll make them mad. We'll just put it on Patreon.
And we'll change our names. We'll change our names.
Yeah. It'll be called...
Bad Bears. It's called Bad Bears.
That's not Bad Bears. Bad Bears is okay.
We should do Bad. Yeah, yeah.
We're two friends. I mean, I've always wanted to do this as a podcast name and it'll make him mad but I still want Riffin without Griffin it'll make Eric mad but I've always wanted to do that we should do a show what's the Superman's name Henry Cavill Henry Cavill on the Beneflectill on the Beneflex show.
And we'll just, and me and you do it on a secret. On the DL, they'll never know about this.
They will. No, they'll never know.
And Andrew will be so mad. And we do not tell them.
And it's just on Patreon. And we charge like 50 cents.
Okay. We probably charge nothing on Patreon, but we just do it on the DL.
Can we dress differently? Yeah, and what we can do is we'll just do it over the phone.

We'll just do it over the phone.

No, no, no. We got to be eye-dye.

I would love to be eye-dye.

Anyway, thank you for listening.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Woo-hoo Yeah Woo-hoo

Yeah

Woo-hoo

Yeah