The 2 Dumbest Comedians Alive

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. You are these two idiots.

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. You use those? You use those? I tried the one.
Yeah, Tom and I did, a long time ago, Tom and I did an episode where we went to a sex store and we got a bunch of sex toys.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And we tried them out.
And I'll tell you, there's one.

Speaker 1 It's called the man wand.

Speaker 1 Oh. Don't look at me.
Oh, I know. Harry Potter uses it.

Speaker 1 That's it. That's it.
That's it. That's it right there.
Oh, the man with it. That thing, dude,

Speaker 1 that thing,

Speaker 1 that thing is better than any chick you'll ever meet.

Speaker 1 Any dude you'll ever meet. And it is.
Is there vibration? A lot. I like vibration.

Speaker 1 I mean, the first time I was like, I've listened to Nikki Glazer talk about like using toys so much that I never understood the use of a toy.

Speaker 1 And that, like, just for dudes, I was like, it's never going to be better than my hand or a woman. And I got that.
And we bought that for two bears when Tom just moved to Austin.

Speaker 1 And I didn't even bring it out to show it because there was nothing to show. And I I thought it was useless.

Speaker 1 I brought it into my horror bus and I got it into my bunk, and I came in

Speaker 1 under a minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It was like, it was like, do you remember the first time some chick, some chick played with your dick, and you were like, and you don't remember the last time, even,

Speaker 1 yeah, I tell you that right now, it was

Speaker 1 senior, but let me ask you something this, too.

Speaker 1 Um, so I was in Montana for a month, and I brought my sex toy onto the, in my backpack, and then they always, it always goes to they have to open it in security yeah and then there's always this moment where I have to explain to them and then they blush but I'm not embarrassed no I'm like yeah it's I know they're always

Speaker 1 we're so sorry sir you know what I mean it's like well I don't care oh they thought me they busted me one time my beard trimmer was going off in my bag yeah and they're like they're like sir something's vibrating in your bag and I was like I don't know what it could be.

Speaker 1 But this is before I tried that man wand. Yeah.
If I, there's a sponsor I want, it's man wand. Yeah.
I just need a new charger man wand. I don't know how I want to buy a whole new one.

Speaker 1 No, I'm telling you, I don't have a Manwand. I have one at home right now that beats all, I think, Manwand.
Okay, what do you have? I forgot what it was called. That's the only problem.

Speaker 1 I didn't memorize what it was called, but I'll tell you what it does. Can you tell you what it does? It's almost as if, like, can hold you and listen to your stories.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Wait, can I keep guessing? Yeah,

Speaker 1 does it not get DMs from other comedians?

Speaker 1 No, it doesn't do that. It doesn't do that.
It doesn't do that.

Speaker 1 It does not leave. No.

Speaker 1 It just laughs at all my jokes. But my point is this, okay? What it does is it sucks.
It does suction. Does man want suction? No, it doesn't.
Well, that's a bad. Dude.

Speaker 1 And then, so mine suctions and you can, you know what I mean? So it does a suck. It goes,

Speaker 1 right? And then there's a vibration too.

Speaker 1 Right like oh, there's an earthquake going on on my you know I mean I could be into that. Yeah, yeah, and it's it's the combination can we not talk about this? This is weird.
No, no. Okay.

Speaker 1 But anyway, yeah. And, you know, now girls come over to my house and I have it out on the table.
I don't care. Oh, yeah.
I don't hide it. I don't hide it.
I would be insufferable as a boyfriend.

Speaker 1 Like, if Leanne passed away and I started dating, there's no. Or just divorce could have been a thing.
No.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, why go to death?

Speaker 1 There's no plan on us getting divorced. Yeah.
If she died, that's the only reason I'd start dating other people. Really? That's the only way? We're never going to get divorced.

Speaker 1 What if she goes, um, I'm... Kill her.

Speaker 1 Let me finish.

Speaker 1 All right, so I'm gonna make a drink. Hey, Bert.

Speaker 1 It's already stressing me out. Yeah, so Bert, I just want to let you know.
You're not doing a good accent.

Speaker 1 Hey, Bert. There you go.
Hey, Bert. Hi, Bert.
Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert.

Speaker 1 Hey, Bert.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we have wonderful kids. We wonderful kids, and you know, you give me a great life, right? But I'm going to tell you right now, man, I'm into the ladies, and I just think that right now.

Speaker 1 I'd be cool. I'd go just keep telling ladies, we're going to stay married.
but then that gives you the green light to go with other dude girls. No, I probably

Speaker 1 whatever you want. Okay, I discussed, I discussed this.
It's not a freudium, it's not freudium, freudium slip. Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 1 This is why, like, I was just talking to someone about this the other day. Might have been my daughters.

Speaker 1 My daughters asked my body count the other day. What is your body count? Six

Speaker 1 this year, no, my whole life.

Speaker 1 Holy

Speaker 1 six, your whole life, Yeah, my whole life. Oh, you're like a Christian.

Speaker 1 Dude, you're like a Mormon or something. This is insane.
I don't know who I was just telling this to, but like, I definitely, the problem is I was just bad.

Speaker 1 I was, I was not, the first time I did it, it was really bad. Who was I just telling this to? And it was really bad.
And so after that, like, just, I didn't perform well. I came fast.

Speaker 1 My dick wasn't even inner. It was between her butt cheek and the bed.

Speaker 1 And then it was like, it was such a nightmare that I was so like, I remember getting into the bathroom after it was done looking in the mirror and so it was so humiliating and then even like my next two times were so still just i wasn't good at it and i thought i'd be good at it it's like saying like it's like it's like being like you're good you're good no i'm now i've gotten better yeah yeah but i was not but are you sure i'm sure no because that's what lean says no no no now i'm good Yeah, but Leanne could be lying to you.

Speaker 1 You could she probably is. But then you're not good.
No, yeah, maybe I'm not. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm telling you, you're not good. It's the reason like people that don't.
I want to say you're not good.

Speaker 1 People that don't sing karaoke sing karaoke for a reason. Yeah.
So I don't fuck other people for the same reason people don't sing karaoke. Do you lock eyes?

Speaker 1 I was

Speaker 1 telling me about the eyes.

Speaker 1 I didn't even talk during a sex. Like I was silent.
Like Helen Keller.

Speaker 1 You moan like her?

Speaker 1 I'd freak out. Just

Speaker 1 and then someone would come and go.

Speaker 1 Bread, bread. Feel the air bouncing off my hand, Helen.
Yeah. Wow.
You know, I want to learn. There should be a statistic, right? And I don't know if this is a fact.

Speaker 1 I don't think they have a statistic for this, but I believe that for fat Asian guys in America, right, I think I have the biggest body count.

Speaker 1 Oh, what's your body count? I can't tell you.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? When did you start keeping secrets? Me and you are open fucking books, Bob.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I literally don't know. If you had to ballpark it.
Like, let's just ballpark it in Asian countries, okay? Are you China where it's like so big you can't wrap your head around it? No, no, no. Okay,

Speaker 1 are you Japan?

Speaker 1 Well, you can't compare it with a Chinese guy in China because it's like, I feel like it's easier. What do you mean? Oh, like if I was a Chinese guy in China, it'd be easier to get growth.

Speaker 1 My point is, but coming to America, being a fat Asian guy and getting white chicks and Mexican, all this harder. It's challenging.
That's real. And I feel like I have the highest body count.

Speaker 1 It's easier when you pay, though.

Speaker 1 Wait, are you talking about?

Speaker 1 You know what? I'm trying to come here with positivity, dude. Right? And your little jokes, dude? Right? I'm going to let them slide today.
I wish I had paid for sex. You've never done it.
No. Okay.

Speaker 1 I wish I had. I look back and I go, I'm bummed I never did.
Yeah, I don't know. It's better to have, you know, when you get free roaming.
What's the same reason? What? Free roaming.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like in the wild. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's more challenging. It's like, you know, paying for sex is like, you know, killing a cow at a barn.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, if he's enclosed and trapped, it's easier. Yeah, obviously.
Yeah. I mean, I don't know if there's cows in the wilds.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I think the analogy is shooting fish in a barrel, not killing.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You can't just look at that damn far. I try to come up with my own analogy.
It's like hunting horses. All you need is an apple and a gun.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Fish in the barrel.
Fish in the barrel. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wish I had paid for sex the same reason that I'm glad I went skydiving.

Speaker 1 Like, I'd never do it again, but I'm glad I had the experience once to go sneaking. Yeah, I would never do that.
You would never go skydiving? No. Bungee jumping?

Speaker 1 I would do it with Henry Cavill.

Speaker 1 Oh, Superman? Yeah. I think his name's Cavill.
Whatever.

Speaker 1 And I want to say this, too. I don't know what to be controversial right now.
Oh, I'd love to hear this. Yeah, yeah.
But not only, I think he's the best Superman of all time. Oh,

Speaker 1 I don't care. No, no, no, no.
There's no way to argue it. There's no way to argue it.
He's better than Henry Cavill. Who's better? Bena Fleck Fleck is better than Henry Cavill.
He's Batman. Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're right. You're right.
Yeah, yeah, he's Batman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Wait, was Henry Cavill Superman when Bena Fleck was Batman? Yeah, they fought each other.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Henry Cavill's the best Superman. Yeah, they fought against each other.
That was my favorite Superman. What? When they fought against each other? When they fought against each other.

Speaker 1 That was too long and

Speaker 1 convoluted. And then Wonder Woman showed up and Aquaman was sitting in the water.
Aquaman was not in. That was in the Justice League.

Speaker 1 Aquaman and the Flesh were not in that movie because I just re-watched them in fucking, in Montana, because I I had nothing to do. I watched all I want.

Speaker 1 I went from Christopher Reeves all the way through. Okay, pull up all the Supermen real quick.
All right, so when I went, I honestly believe I can rank them. And let's just do film.

Speaker 1 I don't want to do TV. Nick Cage was Superman? He was supposed to be.
Oh, okay. And in one of the Superman movies, he was in it or something, right?

Speaker 1 He's in the Flash, they do a little montage at the end where they showed him

Speaker 1 multi-verse kind of a. But so I think that it goes Henry Cavill,

Speaker 1 then it goes christopher reeves then it goes brandon ruth oh i would i would put kirk allen in there which you don't know kirk allen oh no george reeves of course george reeves i mean george reeves oh george reeves yeah george reeves is the one i remember the most oh that's the old school 51s dean kane dean kane looks like a kind of guy that votes republican now doesn't he

Speaker 1 yeah yeah like he's got some he looks like kim jung actually look at him yeah yeah but um what do you think i think i i hear cavill best batman no no what's your best best batman my best batman yeah yeah.

Speaker 1 Bena Fleck. I'm a big Bena Fleck fan.
The only reason I'd ever get sober is if Bena Fleck called and said he wanted to be my sponsor. You met him? No, I've never met him.
I love that guy.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait. You would get sober only if Bena Fleck asked you to.

Speaker 1 If he called me up right now and he was like, yo, is Bena Fleck? I would love to be your sponsor, get you into sobriety. I'd be like, fuck yes.
Okay, let me throw some. How about Anthony Hopkins? No.

Speaker 1 For being sober? Or for Batman? Yeah, Anthony Hopkins would be a bad man. All right, what about

Speaker 1 Brad Pitt? No.

Speaker 1 He's the only one. Benefleck.
I think I get him. I get his.

Speaker 1 I feel like I like him. I like him, you know? You know why? Why? He doesn't hide his emotions.
Right. And I don't.

Speaker 1 When he's walking out of the fucking limos with J-Lo, normally, as a guy, we would be like, all right, there's going to be people there. Smile.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's just so dramatic. Like, I hate it.
I don't care what people, I don't care what people think. And he's smart as shit.
He's really smart. He's so smart.
Dude, I saw him on

Speaker 1 Bill Maher's, what's it called? The real time. Real time.
And he fucking lit that dude up. Yeah.
About the, yeah. Him and Matt Damon are two of the smarter dudes that are movie stars.

Speaker 1 They're so smart. They are.

Speaker 1 We don't have that. We don't even.
I mean, like, Rogan's smart like that. Like, he could

Speaker 1 be smart. Rogan and Burr, the two guys that could have this race somebody in like a conversation.
Who are the dumbest? Me and you.

Speaker 1 By far. By far.

Speaker 1 By far. Stop.
Okay, let's talk talk about Gaza.

Speaker 1 I don't know where it is, but my point is.

Speaker 1 It's got to be near Israel. It's got to be.
Can I tell you? I really believe that Gaza is like,

Speaker 1 is like, is like Sunset Boulevard. Yeah.
Like, it's a road. Yeah.
Is Gaza a road? Yeah. It is, right? But you guys don't know either, do you? It's a strip.
It doesn't have roads anymore.

Speaker 1 Wait, is it a strip? Like, is it like the Vegas strip? Yeah. Did people, like, for the bachelor party, they go to the Gaza Strip?

Speaker 1 I don't follow any of it. Yeah, yeah.
I remember the first time Andrew brought up Gaza. I didn't know what it was.
So he goes, what do you think of Gaza? You know what I said to him? I go, Azag.

Speaker 1 And he goes, what do you mean? And he goes, I go, that's backwards. Gaza backwards, right? That's all I can, that's all I know.
Wait.

Speaker 1 Don't bring this. I don't want to talk about this.

Speaker 1 I'm just proof.

Speaker 1 I'm going to prove too dumb as comedians. No, no, there are other people.

Speaker 1 I can still.

Speaker 1 Theo all of a sudden got smart. I don't know when the fuck that happened.
But he doesn't. If you watch his interviews, he doesn't.
He pretends to to be. I mean, yeah, man.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You can't say, yeah, man, after someone says something's ain't smart. How would you have interviewed Donald Trump?

Speaker 1 That's a weird approach. I don't know.
When I saw him,

Speaker 1 what? I wouldn't have done it. I don't think I would have done it.
I got invited to the National Republican Convention. And I wanted to go just to get fucking wasted and just have fun.

Speaker 1 And my wife wouldn't let me go. She's like, you will get caught into some conversation like Billy Bush and be like, yeah, grab him the pussy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just, you know, i hate that we're like that in this country i thought you were talking about we're still talking about me and you me and you are like that if you go to the national republican conference conference

Speaker 1 conversations conversations no but here's the thing is right i no i can shut my mouth

Speaker 1 bull yeah i can shut my mouth i can shut my mouth i know how to shut my mouth Oh, you think that when I go on the set of Sex in the City and I'm with Sarah Jessica Parker, that I start mauffing out about pussy?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, what kind of badge do you have? I would never do that. You know, I, I, I, I say to myself, shut the fuck up.
Okay. Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Do you know the smart people don't have that inner dialogue where they go, shut the fuck up? They don't. Don't speak.
Don't speak. Don't speak.
It's not that we're dumb. It's not that we're dumb.

Speaker 1 We just don't have that little thing in our brain. Oh, yeah, I don't.
But that's not being dumb. Do you know everybody? We would be in the Paralympics, not the Special Olympics.

Speaker 1 I take that. Yeah, and the Paralympics is just people that are like, physically, there's something going on.
Yeah. Right? But our minds are normal.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you the only thing I drew from the Paralympics? Do you know the reporters are para-reporters? Oh, they're going too far. No, it's para-reporters.
All the reporters don't have arms either.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Did you know that? No.
I've been watching the Paralympics.

Speaker 1 That's insane. No, no,

Speaker 1 it's appropriation if they have like Bryant Gumball doing. All you have to do is this.
Are you Parabalizer too? As a reporter, I'd be like, yeah, man, what's up?

Speaker 1 You can't ask someone what their illness is. Oh, really?

Speaker 1 Well, then you can go, yeah, my toes are missing. Yeah, if you go, like, so, wait, what's your thing? You can't go, you got to go, I choose not to tell you.
Really?

Speaker 1 You're invading my body. Oh, that's cool.
So then anyone can be a reporter at the Paralympics. Technically.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just lie.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's interesting.

Speaker 1 Or just bump into a wall. Is it the same with Special Olympics? It is.
Same thing with Special Olympics. I don't think so.

Speaker 1 See,

Speaker 1 this is where my brain's going, shut the fuck up, Bert. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 That's so interesting. I didn't know that.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But it's like, do we think that's gone too far or no? But no, because that's the whole thing is that the

Speaker 1 listen, let's be honest. What's the fucking?

Speaker 1 If you're watching the fucking 100, the 100 sprints and Noah Wiley's there, they got a guy with no legs doing the interview, you're going to be like, this is awkward. This is really.

Speaker 1 Couldn't you guys,

Speaker 1 if a guy's like, hey, you ran really fast, and Noah Wiley's like, yeah, to you. Like, I run, run really fast to you.

Speaker 1 But like, to everyone else, I'm just really fast. To you, I'm like mind-blowing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are there reporters that have limbs missing in the regular Olympics interviewing? No.
Why would they?

Speaker 1 That's not fair. No, it's not.
Okay, it's not fair. That's why they give them the jobs for the Paralympics.
Because here's the deal.

Speaker 1 If they show a guy with no arm interviewing an ice skater, you are not going to listen to the interview. You're going to go, what happened to his arm? Especially when his little shirt flap moves.

Speaker 1 And it's going to distract you. And I'm just telling you, I'm being real.
That's why they don't. You know, losing an arm, it depends on where you lose it.

Speaker 1 Do they just let women on the sidelines to interview football players? Like, when do you think they're going to look like it's a fucking

Speaker 1 thing? Would you rather have your arm miss here? Oh, fuck it. Or right here.

Speaker 1 It's a game changer. I've known a lot of guys without arms.
I don't want it here. I know so many people.
Because you have that little piece sticking out like that. I don't like that.
No, no.

Speaker 1 Well, no, that's not why you don't want it.

Speaker 1 Why? I just don't want a little

Speaker 1 thing sticking out like this, right? I would do it here. But why? Why?

Speaker 1 Why you don't want it? Why? Why? Why? Because this is a lot more usable, this thing. Oh, this part?

Speaker 1 The more of the limb you can salvage, the better. So what's the worst? Here? Oh, the easiest.
That's the best. If you just lose your hand, that's the best.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I don't want to see photos. I know what it is.
That's ever limbs.

Speaker 1 We can imagine it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, Bobby, it's this.

Speaker 1 Right. It's this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, you say this is the best situation.
Yes. This right here is...
Second best. Second best.

Speaker 1 And then here. If you lose it here, it's tough.
It's really tough. But a lot of dudes, so I know probably four guys and a girl that have lost, they lost their

Speaker 1 use of their arm. So it just hangs there like a dead arm.
And they get it cut off because it causes so many. And they like burn it on stuff and they bump it in and slam it into doors.

Speaker 1 And so they got to get them taken off. Wow.
I know a girl that did that. God, I wish I remembered her name.
She was a really cool young lady.

Speaker 1 She got into a moped accident in college and broke her arm and then got in another moped accident and broke it again and never got use of her arm back.

Speaker 1 Do you think about getting attacked by animals like a shark at all?

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, stop. You're coming at me so quickly.
What? Because we went from amputees to sharks. I think about shitting these sharks.
I know, I know. Also, you know, the connection is losing the list.

Speaker 1 It's just like a fun day in the beach.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All of a sudden, you don't.
But just don't go that quick to

Speaker 1 sharks. Okay.
Let's segue better. I'll do it better.

Speaker 1 Dude, do you like the beach?

Speaker 1 But you got to bring this into it. Do you like the beach?

Speaker 1 Oh, I love the beach. I was just recently at a beach.
Dude, I saw one guy armed a guy swimming in circles. Hey, are you afraid of sharks? That's it.
There we go. That's it.
Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my answer to you.
Did you see the guy with no arms swimming in the Olympics? No. Can you pull that up? He's Asian.
You're going to love this, Bobby. Oh, whoa.
He's Asian. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And no arms. And the only reason he's winning the whole time.
Yeah. The only reason he loses is he doesn't have fucking arms.
That's the only reason why he loses.

Speaker 1 That's the only reason he loses because the other guy goes like this. No, it's Asian Paralympics.
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Speaker 1 Throw another thing about this guy.

Speaker 1 That's it. That's it.
Oh, maybe you're going to. Before you play it, I want to say one last thing.
Look at this. Look at this, Pat.
I know. Just give me, let me tell you one last thing, Bert.
Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. Is what also sucks about his situation, he can't even use his dick to help him.
To swim? Yeah. It's like a rudder.
Yeah, but it's so.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, I see what you're saying.

Speaker 1 Joke, that didn't work.

Speaker 1 I paused the whole flow of it just to do a small dick joke, right? And it came out weird. So go ahead.
So watch it. Watch him.
Watch him. Watch him.

Speaker 1 He's just, look at this. Oh, my God.
Look at him. Right.
He's looking. He's not him breathing.
No, it's him breathing. But

Speaker 1 the only reason the other guy wins is because he's got fucking arms. He's got to hit the wall with his head.
But the one with the arms, what does he have?

Speaker 1 What's missing?

Speaker 1 You can't ask.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you could be...

Speaker 1 You could be. Okay.
Watch. The only reason that...
But Gao's second. That Ukrainian guy won is because the Chinese, that's Chinese, right? Yeah.
Look at this blind guy still. But Gao's second.

Speaker 1 The Chinese took second. Chinese guy.
That's good. No, but...
If he had one arm, just one arm, he would have won. Yeah, that's life.
If I was six foot three, I'd be Yao Ming. Come on.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Not really. Seven foot.
If I was seven foot, I'd be Yao Ming. Wait, hold on.
Isn't he Chinese?

Speaker 1 Yeah. You get what I'm saying.
No. Jeremy Lin.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Jeremy Lin.
And if I had a bigger dick, I'd be Steel O'Neill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
Yeah. So I want to talk to you about something that, because I want to get the facts straight.
Shoot.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 you know, as people know, I was injured on your tour. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's get it.

Speaker 1 Well, I just want to, because I just want to do some investigating here. No, I love your investigative reporting.
Thank you so much. I'm a big fan.

Speaker 1 I seem to be the target of it every time, but keep going. I'm not targeting you.
I know every time I get a fucking text, hey, did you see who was on Bobby's podcast? I'm like, motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Dude, go ahead. I love that.
I love that. So at

Speaker 1 2.30 in the morning, I fall off my bunk. Yes.
Hit my lip. Yes.
Get knocked out. Bleeding.
Blood everywhere. Blood everywhere.
You know, I go to the front of the bus. I don't know what the fuck to do.

Speaker 1 I go to the front bus driver and I go, hey, dude, I think I need to go to the hospital. I was like, you can't wait five hours?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 We're almost there at Fort Lauderdale, five hours. So I'm sitting there now.

Speaker 1 You said you can't wait five hours? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I was hurt by it. I bet you was.
I was so scared. I was so scared.

Speaker 1 I was so scared. So I'm sitting there.
I have my shirt over my face, bleeding, and I'm texting you guys. Yes.
I text eight people. God damn it.
I got to find this fucking you'll find it.

Speaker 1 You'll find it. All the fucking.
All right, you'll find it. And, and the only.
Only someone sent me that fucking chat thread. It was so fucking hysterical.
How? It was because,

Speaker 1 so the problem with me and you is that when we get honest, sometimes people still think we're joking.

Speaker 1 And so

Speaker 1 when you said I fell out of my bunk, everyone thought it was, we didn't know that was real. And then Leanne was the only one that was like, wait, Bobby's really hurt.

Speaker 1 That was, you were, she was the first person to be like, Bobby's really hurt. Yeah.
And so

Speaker 1 that was the what time that was at six in the morning. It was like around 10 a.m.
10 a.m. Yeah, I think

Speaker 1 they were taking you to the hospital already. No, no, Leanne's the one that saved me.
Yeah, Leanne, Leanne. You don't give a shit.

Speaker 1 The first person to respond was Mark Norman.

Speaker 1 He wasn't even on tour. I know.
He was just left. Oh, yeah, he just left.
Yeah, yeah, and he and he got the text as he was like getting on a plane and he said, busted rip.

Speaker 1 So funny. I know.
That's so funny.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to tell you who were the helpful ones. It wasn't me.
I know exactly. That's why you're not on this list.
Okay. Okay.
Who are the helpful ones? Number one, Leanne, your wife.

Speaker 1 Yes, she was very helpful.

Speaker 1 Oddly enough, Dave Vital. No.

Speaker 1 But he, because he was the one that texted me a bunch of times afterwards to see how I was doing, checking up. Really? Yeah, yeah.
I checked in. No, you didn't.
Yes, I did. Yes, I did.
Nope.

Speaker 1 I definitely did. Fuck you.
I definitely did. Yeah, yeah.
I did. I 100% did.
Listen, you know what you are? What am I, Bobby?

Speaker 1 Remember Game of Thrones? You mean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who was the original king before the Lannisters went in there? That big Robert Barathian? Baratheon. That's what you are.
A Robert Baratheon? Yeah, you're Robert Baratheon. Is that bad or good?

Speaker 1 I don't remember.

Speaker 1 It's in the middle.

Speaker 1 I'm the father of King of.

Speaker 1 There you are. So I'm the one that gets killed by the...
Look at you. That's you, dude.
I might be Robert Brad.

Speaker 1 I always saw myself as a Ned Stark kind of guy. No, you're not a Stark, dude.
I'm a little more like Ned Stark.

Speaker 1 What am I in the world? What am I in the world? In Game of Thrones?

Speaker 1 You're

Speaker 1 the guy that throws fireworks everywhere.

Speaker 1 And they're like, there's no guy that throws fireworks everywhere. Put in Asian guy, fireworks, Game of Thrones.

Speaker 1 There's no

Speaker 1 Asian guy, fireworks. Oh, yeah.
Game of Thrones. Oh, yeah, I'm that guy.
Wait, oh, that's a.

Speaker 1 a... Whatever.
That's not. Yeah, that's David Cheng.
Anyone I'm thinking of. I don't know.

Speaker 1 You never know Asians in Game of Thrones. Okay, let's be for real.
Who are you in Game of Thrones? You're going to say Peter Dinklage's character. No, I'm not.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Buddy, you're not that smart.

Speaker 1 Peter Dinklage is a gangster in Game of Thrones.

Speaker 1 He kind of organizes everything. Oh, Jason Momoa.

Speaker 1 No. Okay, fuck.
You're more like Khaleesi's brother.

Speaker 1 Oh, the one that gets gold on his face? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, Weasly. Yeah, like you're not, you're not.
I'm more like a Weasel. No, no, no, no.
You know who you are? I think think you. You are.
No, you're not Khaleesi's brother. Give me another shot.

Speaker 1 You are

Speaker 1 the baby dragon. No, you're one of the, you're one of the, you're one of the guys that's on the night watch.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know who I am.

Speaker 1 The kid that betrays him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you are. Right? Remember the kid? And he gets hung.
The kid who stabs him. Yeah.
You're the kid who stabs him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The little kid. And then he gets hung at the end.
Yeah. I'm him.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I wanted to do with you so bad? What do I want to do? I wanted to do a trauma bowl of candy. What's that? Have you ever seen trauma bowls? No.
Have you never seen trauma bowls?

Speaker 1 Can we go back to the

Speaker 1 lip thing or what? Okay,

Speaker 1 let's go back to the lip thing. All right.
Let's go back to the lip thing. If anyone's following this podcast, they're like, I don't know what they're talking about.

Speaker 1 Thank God they have

Speaker 1 Tom to do podcasts. No, I like this.
I like this. I do too.
Yeah, I like it. Okay.

Speaker 1 So here's what I wrote: I wrote, Are you fucking crazy? I feel bad that I ruined it. Wait, oh, this is you.
This is you. Okay.
Okay. At 2.
Okay, it's 2.06, so it's a little late in the day.

Speaker 1 At 2.06. In the morning, yeah.
What do I say? I wrote.

Speaker 1 When you say the people that are in the thing, try to do their voices. No, no, hold on.
So I can get. I can't get.

Speaker 1 This is just me and you. What are you doing? Hang on.
Hang on. Let me do my fucking investigative journalism.
All right, so I'll just talk about my half of it. Okay.

Speaker 1 So right here, you have the first thing I do is send two photos in a gigantic group chat for 40 people that are in it. Okay.

Speaker 1 And then I write a letter. Okay.

Speaker 1 Dear everyone, everyone,

Speaker 1 I fell off the top bunk and hit my mouth on a ledge and my lip is split open and I don't know what to do. Okay.

Speaker 1 Another, and I say goodnight. The next text I get is three hours later.

Speaker 1 Three hours later, dude. Oh my gosh.
Can someone please find the text that was just sent with all the texts attached of all the comedians replying to that that you just sent me?

Speaker 1 I'm fighting with Bobby and I need to win. There's no win or lose.
There's only facts. No, I these are facts.
Okay, let me let me go to fully loaded.

Speaker 1 Oh yeah, go to the fully loaded talent week one with Bobby Leonette. I got week three.
I got week there's you have so many weeks week two and then I got week one. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Let me get to your face.

Speaker 1 Okay. Here we go.
Okay. This is timeline.
Timeline. Okay.
I knew I was wrong. I know he was wrong.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 Good morning. Today's activities are the Burtcast episode in Burch's Burt's Shower Room.
We also have a private pool with a bartender starting at 2 p.m. 2 p.m.
Snow Cones trucks will be coming.

Speaker 1 Is there a ballpark for the podcast? I don't know. Very loose plans.
And then Bobby Lee wrote, oh, hang on. Oh, hang on.
That's right. You're right.
You're right. You're right.
You're right.

Speaker 1 You're right. What are you doing, dude? That was your kid.

Speaker 1 Seven hours after that. I fell off the top bunk and I hit the funnel ledge.
My lip is split open and I don't know what to do. Thank you.
And then he wrote, Good night. Good night.

Speaker 1 Kyle Kinnane wrote, put ice on it and tell everyone you got hurt doing something cooler than falling off a bunk bed.

Speaker 1 and kyle

Speaker 1 you

Speaker 1 leanne wrote oh yep here we go rachel said coming to help

Speaker 1 she's the best and then victoria said coffee

Speaker 1 yeah victoria i have issues with i have really big issues with victoria and i'm i'm not ashamed to say it okay she put voodoo on the reason why i lip my lip thing you think so oh yeah she said she would do voodoo and then i got hit my lip And so that's the one, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Anyway, fuck Victoria.

Speaker 1 And then it says, then you do some asshole that's good morning today's activities. I'm about to die.
And somebody goes, an activities fucking announcement, right?

Speaker 1 And then.

Speaker 1 And then. Yeah.
And then you set a picture. The picture's horrific.
Yeah. But and Victoria writes,

Speaker 1 you're doing amazing, Stacey. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Leanne writes, I'm so sorry, Bobby. Please let me know if you need anything.

Speaker 1 Someone else writes, looks better.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And guess what? Stacey says, get some sleep.
Oh, that'll fix it.

Speaker 1 And guess what, Bert? From two to then, you don't text one time.

Speaker 1 You don't text one time, you fucking asshole. Mark Rose.
You're a piece of shit. Why didn't you text? Hang on, Victoria wrote, I didn't.
Did you see out what he's doing? I didn't text once. Hold on.

Speaker 1 I was busy doing activities.

Speaker 1 Who wasn't at the bar?

Speaker 1 I didn't know that it was as bad as it was. I sent you photos fucked up.
I know, but I was laying in bed. I was sleeping.
Okay, okay. And then Chad Daniels wrote, your skin looks great.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Mark North wrote, busted rip. You know, that was very funny.
Good laugh. Mark, good laugh.
He wrote, whoa, what happened? You get Will Smithed again?

Speaker 1 Very funny. Okay.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 I wrote privately to you. Oh, you did? I did, of course.
I'm not going to write to you. I don't write to you.
Oh, that's right.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's what it is. Yeah, I wrote.
Let's go back to Bert. I wrote.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Way back. Hey, buddy, how are you feeling? Is there anything I can do? It looks great.
You're right. You're right.
I think you're right. Absolutely.
Fly home tomorrow if you need to. I feel horrible.

Speaker 1 And you went, Are you crazy? I feel bad that I ruined everything. I wanted to do the remaining dates in a couple of weeks.
I'm so sorry this happened.

Speaker 1 I love you so much, but I can't literally open my mouth in so much pain. And I wrote, Bob, you didn't ruin anything, buddy.
We were all bummed that this happened. Everyone loves you.

Speaker 1 I wish you were here to tell you that. I love you to death.
Take care of yourself first, brother. I love you and have fun.
And I can definitely have you on those remaining dates. I go into it.

Speaker 1 And then I said, Wow, does it still hurt? And you seem a little bit better, but I'll see you next week. I'm going to kill it for you.
And I said, You're the best.

Speaker 1 And I want to say something very positive to you and your family. What's that? And

Speaker 1 I never expected it. And I also was like, why would they do that? But Leanne calls me and she goes, and by the way, the dates you missed, we're still going to pay you for those.
Yeah. Which is,

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm not going to get, I was emotional when I got that. Because it's like, it's not like I, it's whatever.
I never even thought about it, right?

Speaker 1 But it's just the idea that you're just that cool that you guys would just do that, which is, and it's not chump change. It's a, it's a nice chunk of money, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And so it's like, like, for me, I, you know, you know, I have to

Speaker 1 admit, you and Tom over the years have been real friends and allies to me and Andrew and our family, and this and that. And it's just a real blessing.

Speaker 1 It's hard to give you compliments, to be honest with you. For real? Yeah, I'm right now.
I'm just wanting to say something negative, but I'm trying to get into staying in the zone.

Speaker 1 But no, you guys are really just really great guys. I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 No, really nice. Thank you.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why we honor the money.
Because when Georgia was was four, she fell and broke her jaw, knocked out all her teeth in a pair of crocs.

Speaker 1 And I got pulled off a tour because I had to fly home. It was a Sunday night, and it wasn't a ton of money.
It was like, we were making $5,000 a weekend. We were doing probably five shows.

Speaker 1 So maybe it was like $1,000. And I flew home.
I missed a Sunday show, and they docked me $1,000.

Speaker 1 And I remember being so fucking mad. When you did clubs.
Yeah, when I did clubs. Yeah, yeah.
And I was like, I was like, wait, I didn't bail on you. My daughter got hurt.

Speaker 1 And they're like, yeah, but you didn't do the show. So we get to keep the money.
And I fucking was livid. You're not going to tell me what club it is.
It wasn't the club.

Speaker 1 It was the fucking, it was Jameson. Jamison.
It was Jamison. Irish whiskey tour.
And it fucking, it sent me through the roof. And I still have a grudge about that.
And so

Speaker 1 when we did Fully Loaded First Year, we did Mississippi

Speaker 1 and it got rained out, Brandon, Mississippi. And they said, you know, well, we'll see if we can get everyone back.
And I said, well, we got to pay everyone first.

Speaker 1 And they were like, hold on, we can't afford to pay them. It'll really fuck our budget up.
And I was like, yeah, but we can't stiff them. And so we reached out to everyone.
I think

Speaker 1 you'd have to ask the individual comics, but I think we gave them half the money and then bought them a gift bag to send them. And then said, hey, we hope that you'll come back.

Speaker 1 We'll honor the, the, hope we'll come back and do it. And we'll honor the rest of the money.
But if you can't, we'll just pay you the money. And so people that didn't, we paid them the money.

Speaker 1 And then everyone came back. But I got, I remember getting fucked by that.
And that bothered me so much. So thank you very much.
The first video you just said. No, really.
Nice. I love you, dude.

Speaker 1 Here's the deal. Here's the deal.
I love you more than you love me. Okay, okay.
I love you more than you love me. That's fucking insane that you would say something like that.

Speaker 1 Try to talk shit about me on my podcast. And try to talk shit about you on my podcast and watch what I do, okay? Okay, what do you mean? What do you mean? I don't even know what the deal is.

Speaker 1 You'd be someone that doesn't like Bobby Lee. Like, when you lay in your bed and you think the things about yourself that you think people are saying, say those right now.
I'll be interviewing you.

Speaker 1 You're someone that hates Bobby Lee. Oh, so I'm a guy.

Speaker 1 Let me create a character then. Okay.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 I'm Richard.

Speaker 1 Who's someone that dislikes you? I don't see. That's the thing.
I want to create a character because there's a couple of people, but I want to put third of their name in. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of people that hate me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 My name is Mando. Mandu

Speaker 1 Christ. No.
Mandu Calrone. Yes.
Mandu Calrone. I'm Mandu Calrone.
Okay. What's up, dude?

Speaker 1 Yo, dude, I'm Mando Calrone, dog. I'm from fucking the inner suburbs of everything, man.
What's up? So, have you ever worked with Bobby Lee? Yo, dude,

Speaker 1 that little motherfucker was a piece of shit, dog. Oh, he's a good friend of mine.
Yeah. Well, how can you be a friend with a guy that likes shows his pubes? Everybody, oh, because I'm the same guy.

Speaker 1 We're like brothers. I love that guy to death.
Why? What were you going to say about him? That's how it works. Wow.

Speaker 1 That's what you do. Yeah, but that doesn't get views on a podcast.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Right. Rady, this is how

Speaker 1 this is how you get views on a podcast. Go ahead.
Yeah. Be Mando Carrone.
I saw Mando Carrone here, dog, from the inner suburbs of fucking East. Was Sean Washington?

Speaker 1 Dude, I loved your set on Def Jam.

Speaker 1 Thanks, dog.

Speaker 1 What's up?

Speaker 1 Mondo. Do you know Bobby Lee? Yeah, dude.
That guy, man, fuck, bro. What a fucking creature of delight, man.
Oh, what?

Speaker 1 He's a piece of shit, man. Tell me what he did.
What? He showed him a pube and stuff, man. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what you really do.

Speaker 1 Are you saying that when they're saying things about you, that I should be more defensive of you? No, no, no. No, be honest.
No. Because I will be more mindful about that.
No, I don't. No.

Speaker 1 But it's also, who cares? I don't. But at the end of the day, it doesn't fucking matter.
It definitely doesn't matter to me.

Speaker 1 I try to think about like, I try to think about, I try to think of my brain as like a condo. And so I have like, say, I have 18 vacancies in my head.
And then I go, who am I going to give rooms to?

Speaker 1 Right. You give rooms.
A rich man's condo. A rich man's condo? Yeah.
Is that 18 is a lot?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Never lived in a fucking condo.
I actually lived in an apartment building. It's an apartment building.
I lived in an apartment building. Yeah, I said the wrong word.

Speaker 1 I never lived in a condo. So, okay.

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up, man.

Speaker 1 So then you go, where are you going to, who do you allow rooms in your condo for? Oh, oh, I see. Like, who do you allow?

Speaker 1 Like, because there was a time when I was younger that I have strangers in my condo.

Speaker 1 People I don't know are in my condo. Really? Like 50 of them.
Yeah, yeah. Come on in, sleep home or do whatever.
Do whatever you want. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And they just run around, fucking shit on everything. Yeah.
Who do you think allows more strangers in their condo? Santino or Tom?

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Santino. You really? Yeah, because I know Tom a little bit.
Tom doesn't, at least when I do shows with him on the road, he's very like just calm, but maybe he's doing an act. No, it's

Speaker 1 really calm. I don't think he, he has a weird thing where he does, he genuinely does not care about things.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think it's also losing his dad for him was a new thing of like, and then Christina going through what she went through. Oh, my God.
I think he was just like, okay, I'm done giving a fuck.

Speaker 1 I think he was like, I got a condo and I'm going to give 16 rooms to what's going on in my life with my kids and my wife and my, and whatever.

Speaker 1 But I think, so yeah, I think Santina, I can't, Santina doesn't strike me as someone who's. There's people that live there.
Really? Yeah, and they're strangers. Okay.

Speaker 1 Who do you think he has more people in their condo? Shane Gillis or Joe Rogan?

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. Shane Gillis.
Yeah. You think so?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I think Shane Gillis.
I think he still reads comments. Yeah.
But he also tells the people in the condo.

Speaker 1 I'll get you back. He serves eviction notices.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, I know some people that have condos in his head.

Speaker 1 i know i know a guy who rents uh who's actually hasn't paid his rent in a long time but he a long time ago he moved in and shane's waiting for the right time yeah to light his condo on fire

Speaker 1 really i know who it is oh you're there yeah what who is it i can't tell you okay

Speaker 1 can i tell you i have a shane gillis problem here what oh he didn't like you no no no no no he loves you no you love but can i can i tell you i'm gonna let me go to his text here yeah all right so there's a shane gillis problem i love him yeah you know i mean and he's a great guy so I have this thing now where I

Speaker 1 just refuse to do, because I just did a movie in Montana. I play a regular guy.
Like a white dude? Yeah, I'm just like a white guy. Like,

Speaker 1 there's no racial references. For real? Yeah, never.
You're not Asian at all in this.

Speaker 1 Dude, in all the roles I've had in the last five years, Reservation Duck, Sex in the City, all these Magnum PI, there's no real Asian references. I don't have an accent.
It's not an issue.

Speaker 1 You were in new, new, what was the new movie that just came out? Badlands. Borderlands.
Borderlands. You were just a regular dude.
Regular dude. Okay, so all the things I do is a regular dude, right?

Speaker 1 And I kind of refuse to kind of do Asian ones, right? Yeah. So then he goes, Oh, I saw you in, you know what movie I just saw? What?

Speaker 1 The fucking movie you just did about fucking

Speaker 1 skitting sober. It's a variety.
Yeah, sweet dreams. Sweet dreams.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, keep going. Anyway, okay.

Speaker 1 You're great in that. Oh, thank you so much.
I think you played gay and not Asian. Yeah, I was a little gay.
All right, so this is what he writes.

Speaker 1 He goes, we wrote a role for you in Tires, which is great.

Speaker 1 I fucking would love to do that show. Right? Yeah.
Then he goes, if you're interested, please be interested. And I go, fuck it, I'll do it.
Then he goes, yes. Then I go,

Speaker 1 I always say this, no accent, please. And he's like, he goes, dude, I swear it's all accent.

Speaker 1 No English at all. Right.
Then I go, ha ha ha ha. Right.

Speaker 1 Then he goes, That's one of the lines.

Speaker 1 He goes, I'm not joking. I'll explain that, but I'm not joking.

Speaker 1 Can you send me the script? You know what I mean? So what do I do?

Speaker 1 If I have this moral thing of like, because I desperately, I love those guys, O'Connell, all those guys, right? I would love to do it, but it's like,

Speaker 1 do I do that? Do I show up and go, okay, guy, I'll do it. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You can also love those guys and just love their show and just be like, I love those guys. I love their show.
I don't need to be in it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm, but here's the problem is you do get, like, people do,

Speaker 1 it's, it's not a shitty thing, but they just go, I'm looking for like a fat drunk who, uh, oh, let's get Bert. And then you go, yeah, but I don't, I'm like a fat drunk.

Speaker 1 And they go, yeah, but that, okay.

Speaker 1 And then you're just sitting there going, well, I guess that is what I put out. Yeah.
And then I put out a thick Asian accent? No, no, but no, but I mean, but I do, I really do. No, be real.
Do I do?

Speaker 1 And this show? Do I do? On this show? I mean, come on. You just said, do I do?

Speaker 1 Same thing about different?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, because I talk so fast.
No, but here's the thing. They trust you.
They trust you. They trust me.
So

Speaker 1 if they're going to do a role like that, they want to go to someone who they know is funny and they know also can tell them that's not cool. Like, you know, like they wrote it.

Speaker 1 It's a bunch of dudes from Philly that wrote something fucking wildly funny. Yeah.
And they want to trust. They trust only funny people to do it.
So they're going to you because you're.

Speaker 1 I guarantee you that whatever they wrote is funny as fuck. I bet it is.

Speaker 1 And it overwhelms the whatever Asian accent thing you're thinking.

Speaker 1 I guarantee you it's

Speaker 1 the buck teeth in. I don't don't care.
I'll fucking do it.

Speaker 1 But you can also just love those guys and root for them and go, I can't wait to watch this. Well, I want to read it first.
Let me read it first. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Anyway, okay.

Speaker 1 I can't wait to see nine Philly guys write an Asian character's accent.

Speaker 1 I know. That's the challenge.
No, that's the viral moment is you do the show and the day it airs, you post the script where it's like,

Speaker 1 whatever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I should. And since I talked about this, then

Speaker 1 I talked about it here. We're not going to edit this out, right? No, don't.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you another thing that I'm going through right now. Okay.
And it's something I hate about myself. And I can't talk to Andrew about it because he doesn't really want to listen to me.
Okay.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I have a thing where, okay,

Speaker 1 so when I was in Winnipeg with your friend Tom,

Speaker 1 we're doing a show. Backstage, I don't know that we talked about this, but have we talked about this? There was a guy backstage.
He's a club owner in Winnipeg. I know the club.
You do? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Nice guy. He seems like a very nice guy.

Speaker 1 That's the club that Tom bombed in horribly, correct? I don't know. Yeah, keep going.
So anyway, Tom goes, hey, this is a guy, you know, he's owned the club for years. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And immediately I go,

Speaker 1 how come you never even booked me? Why would you say that? What? That's why, that's the thing. Yeah, you can't say that.
Why? Because it doesn't matter. It does matter.

Speaker 1 Why? I'll tell you why. Okay, keep going.
There's all these clubs in America that I remember calling my agent because I had, even before podcasting, I did pretty good numbers, right?

Speaker 1 So I go, good numbers. What you've always done good.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm doing way better now, but you know, but and they would come and they just don't want you, right?

Speaker 1 It would make me mad because it's like, I want to play it.

Speaker 1 I want to go to that city and play it. And then I look at their lineups, I go, I have more credits, whatever.
It would just build, I would build a resentment, right?

Speaker 1 So then now that I see these club owners now, I'm kind of like weird. And I don't want to be like that, but it's like, am I the one that's in the wrong? Yeah, you are.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you why. Why? Tell me why.
Teach me. What happens when you get famous or when you get success in comedy? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is you all those little fucking thorns in your side that wouldn't work with you and didn't want to fuck with you and didn't want to talk to you and maybe sometimes didn't even know you, didn't even know you existed.

Speaker 1 You, you, when you first get famous in comedy or not famous, but get some success, there's an impulse. I've seen so many people do it to light those people up and let them know.

Speaker 1 Now you couldn't get me or something like that. Right.
And when

Speaker 1 it's ugly. What you should say about that guy.
I'll give you a perfect example of someone I love to death that I wanted to say that to. Okay.
Who?

Speaker 1 I wanted to work Comedy Works so bad. Denver.
Denver so badly. I wanted, dude, I can name a hundred of these clubs because I didn't have your career.
I had like a bullshit career.

Speaker 1 Like I had one where like, no one, no, I worked on travel channel. No one ever thought I'd ever make money.
No one ever thought I was ever going to become successful or get a special on Netflix.

Speaker 1 So like there were a bunch of clubs that just, the cool clubs would never work me, would never fucking work me. That's interesting.

Speaker 1 And so so i wanted to work comedy works so bad but i always worked the denver improv which is predominantly a black room one of the worst rooms and it's one of the worst rooms in the world i know and so i

Speaker 1 i languished in the denver in the denver improv doing i i never selling a ticket and i wanted to work comedy works so bad and then i met wendy and there was a part of me that wanted to say why didn't you ever work me And then Wendy just was like, you're fucking hilarious.

Speaker 1 Where have you been? And I was like,

Speaker 1 oh my God. But I didn't say anything.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then she's anytime i ever stopped by denver she always it was all in your head dude i remember i remember it's not in your head if he didn't book you no how about this i'll give you a better one i'll give you a better one okay

Speaker 1 uh ann harris and joanne grigioni love them okay they were the the

Speaker 1 I would say the kingmakers at Comedy Central. They gave you half hours.
They gave you hours.

Speaker 1 And I remember going like, I remember sending like audition tapes to them and I didn't get a reply, no feedback, nothing.

Speaker 1 And then I was like, fuck, man, I got so in my head that I was like, thank God I never ran into them drunk and said something because I would have said my emotions and I would have said all my feelings.

Speaker 1 And then one day, one day I get a phone call from both of them and they're like, you're fucking so goddamn funny. Where have you been this whole time? And then I was like, it's EI, I get it.

Speaker 1 And I never said anything. I understand.
But it's, but it's a natural instinct. I watched a guy, I watched a guy light up a fucking club owner who all he said was, hey, congrats on all the success.

Speaker 1 And he's like, yeah, I bet you wish you would fucking book me now. And then I was like, why are you doing this? He just said, congratulations.
I would never do that. Yeah, but here's the deal.

Speaker 1 He's had an arena and he's watching you perform murder, murder with Tom Segura. Yeah.
He knows how big your podcast is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are you guys doing? Please say you were too Asian.

Speaker 1 We got a call. From who? From Andrew.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Santino.

Speaker 1 Hi, Bert. What's up? Happy Labor Day.

Speaker 4 Happy Labor Day. I'm in Chicago with my family.
I'm drunk on my patio. I feel like I'm

Speaker 5 doing you justice.

Speaker 1 I'm having a glass of vodka with your best friend.

Speaker 1 We're breaking each other down.

Speaker 4 Is he pissing you off or is it good?

Speaker 1 No, it's good. It's good.
It's very healthy. It's awesome.

Speaker 4 Well, tell him I miss him so much. I love you.

Speaker 1 I'm right here. I can hear you.

Speaker 1 Keep going.

Speaker 5 And honestly, between you and me, Bert, because I know it's just a private conversation that

Speaker 4 I'm ready to get rid of this guy.

Speaker 1 I want to come be a part of the Poros.

Speaker 1 can you tell him to tell him we got a signing

Speaker 1 hey we got a signing hey are you coming out for uh skanks fest in vegas i'm not gonna be i'm gonna be on tour say i already got shit for it three other times oh i'm i'm doing i'm doing the resorts world theater september 27th 28th it's the same weekend as skanks fest i'm bummed yeah but if you're i was gonna say i was seeing bobby wants to come out where where resorts world where's that 27th 28th it's in vegas I want to do it.

Speaker 1 All right, you're in. All right.
I'm going to have Bobby come. I'm stuck.
Well, I can do stand-up? Yeah. I'm stuck, but I want to go.
Oh, I want to go. I love you guys.
I love you to death, brother.

Speaker 4 And I'll talk to you guys soon. All right.

Speaker 1 I'll talk to you later. Bye.
I tell him,

Speaker 1 he keeps calling me noodle. I don't like it.
Noodle's not bad. He goes, hey, how's my favorite noodle? I just don't like it.
What's so funny? Sweet, what were we talking about?

Speaker 1 I'll tell you why you said it.

Speaker 1 He goes, and I get it, I got it. He goes, I just heard there's some wild aspects of your show that just wouldn't fit into.

Speaker 1 And I go, you know what? I think you're right. And, you know, and I only bring this up.
Listen, I'm only like this with certain clubs, and you're right. I want to change.

Speaker 1 And so, and obviously in show business, of course, they're like directors, like wherever you've been. I've been in town for 30 years, and I get I'm on their radar now, right?

Speaker 1 So that's why they say it, and I understand it. Yeah.
And I'm blessed. But it's like, it's.

Speaker 1 The only reason why I brought it up is because it is an ugly side of myself that makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me go, wow, I wish I could just not be like that.
Do you know who doesn't say it?

Speaker 1 Who? Santino and Tom. Do you know who says it? What? Me and you.
Yeah, Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We're better people.

Speaker 1 Are we better?

Speaker 1 Let's be honest. I would rather be me than Tom.

Speaker 1 I'd rather be me than Andrew. Yeah.
I think that's the truth. Can you imagine being Andrew? Can you imagine being Tom? Can you imagine being Tom?

Speaker 1 Where everything's got to be like this, like this. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I know. I know.
Yeah. Hey, this vodka is great.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, this is a really cool car.
Where did you get it?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Shipped it over from Germany like a week ago. Yeah, it was nice.
Yeah. He's just dead inside.
Yeah. I'd rather be imagine being like this.
Oh, it's eight in the morning. I'm on a golf course.

Speaker 1 And then at two, I have 15 meetings. And at three, I got to go over the fucking.

Speaker 1 Okay, what do you want? What would you want?

Speaker 1 Here's what I know what both of us wish we could do more like our friends. Oh, that you wanted to switch it up.
Like, what do you, what would you take from them?

Speaker 1 It wouldn't be Tom's body.

Speaker 1 I have such a better body than him. It's ridiculous.
Way fucking. I mean, it's not even fucking close.
Bigger dick. I thought.

Speaker 1 No, exact same dick.

Speaker 1 No, that's not true. I'll tell you why.
I've seen it. We've seen both each other's dicks together.
We were almost docking each other. Oh, really? Okay, I've seen yours, though.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Buena bueno. Yeah, very good.
Thank you. Thank you.
So let me give you.

Speaker 1 He's better at

Speaker 1 communicating with people in terms of like family. Wow.

Speaker 1 Are you talking about Tom or Andrew? Oh, my God. He loves being around family.
That's Tom too.

Speaker 1 That's some. That's Tom.
He's better at communicating with people. I'm not good at communicating people.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 If I get a text, I go, I just don't reply.

Speaker 1 I don't reply.

Speaker 1 That's actually the one close blowout fight Tom and I ever had. It was so simple to solve.

Speaker 1 But we sat down and he's like, we need to have a legit conversation. He's like, we run a business together.
We're opening another business. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay. Let's keep going.

Speaker 1 And he said, you need to reply to my texts. I try to.

Speaker 1 And it's so funny here, Bert, that you say this. I'll show you something right here.
So then, but I hate it when the people don't text me back. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm all like, so I'm going to give you one right here. I stop texting people because I don't want to wait for their text back.
So I see Jordan Peele. Oh, fuck that.
I couldn't text Jordan Peel.

Speaker 1 So he's on.

Speaker 1 I saw this photo online and I thought he looked so cool here.

Speaker 1 So I go, like an idiot, I go, you look dope.

Speaker 1 Nothing.

Speaker 1 That was a week ago. Okay.

Speaker 1 And it hurts me. Let's see.
Let's see who's got an unread text from me. Really?

Speaker 1 How do you do that? These,

Speaker 1 I can find, I can just go into anyone famous. Anyone famous doesn't reply to me all the time.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I can find an easy one. I'll tell you who just replied to me that I did not expect a reply, and I just said, don't expect a reply was Snoop.
Okay, I got a reply from a famous guy the other day. Who?

Speaker 1 I got six blue hearts. Is that good?

Speaker 1 Jack Black. Whoa, I go happy birthday, and he gave me six blue hearts.
Oh, because you guys just did a movie together. And also, he did Bad Friends.
Oh, he did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 But nothing from Jordan. You look is that cool?

Speaker 1 At least love it, you know? No? So the only ones that bother me are guys that I feel like

Speaker 1 that I go,

Speaker 1 did I do something?

Speaker 1 you know

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 i think there's okay so there's two things going on here

Speaker 1 if you're super busy i get it my fear is they don't text me back because i'm not cool enough and i think that there are people that are like that is that what you do to us for example I text you back I would never text you guys okay no like I wouldn't like

Speaker 1 I have a list if you look at my list for my employees and not I don't say you guys are employees, but if you look at all the texts they sent me, I would never reply to them.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to spend my time replying to them. You can talk to me when I see you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't reply to emails.
I don't look at emails. What's the matter?

Speaker 1 Have I not been better about communicating with you guys? Am I not? Have I not tried?

Speaker 1 Okay. Then what the fuck's up with these jokes?

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 I'm trying. I feel like I am.
I feel like, you know what? I want to be more. Right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then every time I try to do more you push me down and you say I'm not good enough, and that's what my dad used to do. I'm tired of it.
I see. God.
Okay, can I can I jump?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can do whatever you want. You can

Speaker 1 I'm on your team. Yeah, I know you are.
It's not normal for us to be disconnected. To pick your employees? Yeah, it's not normal for anyone to get access to me 100% of the time.
Like, it's so.

Speaker 1 I'm so glad you're here. Yeah, let's lay it down on the line, dude.
We should not be able to get in touch with each other.

Speaker 1 I can't, okay, I can't tell you, hey, man, I'm going through some shit with my daughter. We're getting ready to go to college.
And then post a picture of me eating edibles at the beach.

Speaker 1 Then you watch it and then go, hey, man, you're at the beach. What the fuck? Why'd you lie to me and say you're at your house packing up your daughter?

Speaker 1 Then I go, you're not supposed to be able to call me on my shit that easy.

Speaker 1 You're not going to know that.

Speaker 1 You're not.

Speaker 1 I got caught. Oh, yeah, you did.
I got caught in a lot. I don't.

Speaker 1 I told someone, I was like, I'm packing up with my daughter. I can't do that today.
And I was at the beach eating edibles and I just didn't want to do it. Right.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I should be able to lie to you Like old school, like in the 40s. In the 40s, yeah.
And no one calls me on it. It was easier in the 40s.

Speaker 1 It's not like I lied to you and I fucking killed somebody. Yeah.
I just don't want to be around you. Imagine trying to be nice.
Imagine being in the 40s, okay? Oh, my God. You and our comics.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Oh, where are you performing?

Speaker 1 Right? Not on my stage.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Not on my stage.
Chinatown.

Speaker 1 Okay. San Francisco had a Chinatown.
Keep going. Okay.

Speaker 1 Just hypothetically. Okay, we're both in the 40s.
Yeah, what I'm i'm saying that is a world where asians and whites live together

Speaker 1 it's me you i'm joey chestnut your kobayashi keep going

Speaker 1 okay i watched that i watched that the they did uh netflix did a hot dog eating live content today

Speaker 1 and i just thought that's odd why i don't know i fall out of world war ii i just thought do you ever think our grandparents would be like so this is how it ends up

Speaker 1 yeah yeah or between the two just two fucking yeah two of our people just eating hot dogs against each other wait we're that close yeah it's incredible how our our world has changed in that way holy it's so much more inclusive yeah it's so much it's like honestly i was in montana and i think 20 years ago if i was in montana i was there for a month i would have been like oh i can't go anywhere or i could get hurt yeah i wouldn't say 20 years ago I would but I say 25 years ago.

Speaker 1 Maybe 40, whatever, right? But, you know, I'm in Montana and it's like, not only is there no racism, it's pretty inclusive.

Speaker 1 I mean, people are like hugging me and like, I mean, hey, man, can I get a photo? I mean, maybe that has something to do with fame.

Speaker 1 Probably. A little bit, you know what I mean? But I don't think, I think here's the weird part: is like, well, maybe, I don't know, maybe you're walking around Montana as a Korean dude.

Speaker 1 People are like, who is he? Why is he in this neighborhood? Oh, shit, it's Bobby Lee. No, because I went to, okay, I'm going to tell you something that happened to me.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So I was in Montana, Butte, and, you know, I had a couple of days off. So, I need to go to a AA meeting.
Really? Yeah. So I went down.
Do you do those still every day? No, I go to maybe once a week.

Speaker 1 And I went to a church way deep into the suburbs. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 That's the AA meeting I want to go to. And I was sitting there.
And there were people in there with like, some people with oxygen tanks. That's how old they were.
Yeah. All white.
Old school drinkers.

Speaker 1 All white. Fuck.
Like, old school white. Like, and as soon as I walked in, obviously, everyone's 80 years old and super white.
And a little Asian guy comes comes in there.

Speaker 1 And they, you know, I turned heads. But as soon as I sat down, they're like, would you like some coffee? And then, you know, they pour me some coffee.
And then they go,

Speaker 1 you know, is there anybody from out of town? I got Bobby from LA. And then they, you know, I shared.
And then afterwards. What do you say? Like, you don't have to tell me.

Speaker 1 I always say, but like, I'll tell you my share. What do you share? Like, do you go like, hey, I'm not going to be able to do that?

Speaker 1 This is so gross.

Speaker 1 This is so gross of what I'm about to say right now, dude. But what I say little things to let them know that I've been in the program.

Speaker 1 Oh, I thought you were going to say you say little things to let them know you're famous. No, I don't care about that.
But it's more like, it's more like, yeah, you know, when Dr.

Speaker 1 Bob and Bill back in Akron, Ohio, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I try to like throw them, you know what I mean? That's wild. I say, Dr.

Speaker 1 Silkworth, you know, when he talked about the psychic change and the doctor's opinion and the big book, like I want to throw them some knowledge that I'm like, I'm sober. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Just like you guys, right? And I say something, maybe a little, something personal. Why, what's so funny? I did something gross the other night.
All right, let me finish this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, but then the second time I went there, I, you know,

Speaker 1 there's only one Uber in Butte. So I'm like, I don't know how I'm going to get home.
It goes kind of later at night. So this couple, nice couple, goes,

Speaker 1 hey, buddy, we're big fans. You want to ride home? I go, yeah.
And so I get in the car, really nice couple. And they start going the opposite way of where my hotel is.

Speaker 1 I swear to God. And I go,

Speaker 1 I go, where are we going?

Speaker 1 And they go, well, you're going to our house.

Speaker 1 I don't.

Speaker 1 And I go, huh?

Speaker 1 You're my kids. You're going to be my kids.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 So now I'm in the boonies

Speaker 1 inside a living room. These two gigantic dogs are just,

Speaker 1 you know, rock, rock, rock, attacking me. These three kids come out of the room.
They're like wiping sleeve. They had school the next day.
And they, oh my God, nice to meet you. And

Speaker 1 our Our dad took us to Missoula. This is what he said.
Our dad took us to Missoula and they gave us a $300, you know what I mean? That we could sent $300 on new school clothes. And okay, cool.

Speaker 1 I got to get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? It was so weird. I mean, what would you have done? Oh, I would have done the exact same thing.

Speaker 1 Me and you are the people that. We're the good ones.
Yeah. We're the good ones.
Imagine, imagine. Bill Burr.
Oh, that wouldn't happen. Yeah, that wouldn't have happened.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm going to get the fuck out of here. No, there's guys like him and Tom take care of themselves first.

Speaker 1 I was taking care of myself. No, no, no, no, they would have been like, they would have been like, someone said, can we give you a ride home? And immediately they said, no,

Speaker 1 I've got a car coming. I've got a car.
I got an Uber. They would have, they're in charge of their shit.
Guys like me and you go to a meeting or go to a party and don't think of how we're getting home.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so tell me about, well, you made a full lawyer. Oh, I'm not doing it now.
No, you have to, you have to, you have to. And we'll cut it off if it's bad.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you where I made it. I'll tell you.
You tell me. I'll tell you an even more embarrassing one.
What you're talking about is ego. It's your ego.

Speaker 1 You want people to know you've been in the program. Yeah.
Yeah. And so for me, my ego is that I've just, like,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I think I was, I was, I think I was broke for so long that all those stuff I was telling you about what young comics do when they get first get famous, I was guilty of some of those things.

Speaker 1 Not all the time, but I definitely was guilty of them. The other day, we're at Night of Destruction.
It's a Demolition Derby in Irwindale. I'm with my wife and my daughter and like all her friends.

Speaker 1 and people are taking pictures with me. They're coming up and taking pictures with me.
And

Speaker 1 one of the dudes

Speaker 1 goes, who the fuck is he?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I heard him. So I said, I'm a comedian.
And then he goes to my wife. He does this.
He goes, whoa, like it must be making his head big.

Speaker 1 And it was like a weird fucking thing, but it struck me wrong, right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 then he said, so where do you do stand-up? And I said, just anywhere, really. And then he he goes, you do the improv?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 this is what's crazy. And Isla called me on it.
I said, yeah, I used to.

Speaker 1 I still do, though. I mean, like, if I, if I,

Speaker 1 you still do? I live. I see you there.
Yeah, I do it. I've seen you there.
Yeah, I know. And I said, I used to.
And he goes, oh, did you, have you ever done it in a while?

Speaker 1 And I said, well, and then I start getting this dialogue. It's an inner dialogue with me to this guy.
And I go, you know, I'm off tour right now. I'm taking nine months off.

Speaker 1 And I've been on tour for the past seven years. And I just got done this arena tour.
My daughter Isla is like, what are you doing

Speaker 1 that does not give a fuck about what are you doing, Bert? What are you doing? What are you doing? I don't know.

Speaker 1 And I just, and I was like, because he did the thing though, whoa, like he must have a big head. And I was like, bitch, I'm watching you.
Like, I'm right here. What do you mean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's like, everyone's taking pictures of you. And he looks at my wife, whoa.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, I was like, what the fuck? And then I just vomited my ego onto his shoes.

Speaker 1 And he was like, he didn't even notice. He was like, cool.
So when do you do the improv next?

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, wow, wow.

Speaker 5 I fucking hate myself.

Speaker 1 I know, but you know what?

Speaker 1 I get it.

Speaker 1 The worst is when they go, oh, you do comedy? I go, yeah. Yeah, L.A.
I go, yeah. You know, my friend Rocky Ramon?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Yeah, he does comedy out there. You guys probably do shows together.
I go, yeah, no, no, no, no, Rocky Ramon.

Speaker 1 You have to pretend.

Speaker 1 Here's the worst one. Yeah, yeah.
When When people go, so if you get recognized and then other people go, who are you?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I am. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm nobody.
I'm just, I'm a comedian. Yeah, yeah.
Like, but why are people taking pictures with you? Yeah. And then I cut to the fucking chase.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I go, I'm famous. And they're like, I don't know you.
And I'm like, I know that. That's why we're having this conversation.

Speaker 1 I had a girl at a Grateful Dead concert come up to me and go, hey, what's up? I said, how you doing? And she goes, I know you. And I said, no, I don't think so.

Speaker 1 She goes, no, no, we went to high school together. And I went, no, I went to an all-boys Catholic high school in Tampa.
I know we didn't go to high school together. And she's like, no, bullshit.

Speaker 1 You're not from Tampa. I know you.
You're fucking with me. And I went, no, I'm famous.
And she went, no, you're not. And I was like, and she goes, why would you say you're famous? I go, I'm so famous.

Speaker 1 You think we went to high school together?

Speaker 1 I don't know what the fuck to tell you. And then her friend goes, who the fuck do you think you are? And I go, my name's Burt Kreiser.
I'm a comedian. She knows who I am.

Speaker 1 She just can't place it right now. And I guarantee you in a couple of minutes, you're going to know who I am.

Speaker 1 I am because she knows who I am and they go fuck you and they turn around and then the girl in like fucking two minutes goes you're the machine and I went yeah I go what but I had to go through all this ego death right to get to here why can't we just why couldn't you at the very beginning be sweet and go hey I know you and I go no you don't you go okay maybe I don't and turn around I'll tell you I had a famous person do that to me one time yeah because that's the thing with famous people is you think you know them I did it to Rhys Witherspoon.

Speaker 1 I thought I knew her. I was like, we grew up together.
She was like, did you? No, but that's what happens. Okay.
Especially like someone like Rhys Witherspoon, who's so beautiful. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You just are drawn to her. Immediately.

Speaker 1 Could I just let me throw it out? Let me. What'd you say? Reese Witherspoon.
She's okay.

Speaker 1 To me, it's just not, it's not my thing. No, what, white? No, I love white.
She's perfect. She is the ideal white.
If Hitler was going to make a person, it would be her.

Speaker 1 Okay. I mean, okay.
That's it. Okay.
Hitler would have been like, that's the fucking one. We just had different sensibilities, Hitler and I.
All right, keep going. You were saying.
I don't even know.

Speaker 1 Okay. It's so embarrassing, I don't want to say it.
Say it. Wow.
That's all we do. I was in an event with this girl.
I was sitting next, sitting there at this event, and she was like, What do you do?

Speaker 1 I go, go, comedy. She goes, yeah, well, like, what kind of?

Speaker 1 I was saying, yeah, I'm doing, I'm killing it. I'm killing it.
I said, I'm doing really good. You know, every club I go to, I sell club, I said.
I say club. I said, every club I go, I sell out, right?

Speaker 1 And she goes, oh, that's cool. I go, yeah, yeah.
It's like, cool. I get like a versus deal, I say.
Oh, Bobby. Oh, Bobby.

Speaker 1 Oh, Bobby. I get a versus deal.
Oh, Bobby. Yeah.
And she goes, what's that? I go, yeah.

Speaker 1 The club

Speaker 1 takes 40. I keep 60.
I don't know. So whatever the fucking thing is.

Speaker 1 This is the worst one I've heard. And at times I'm on her for about a half an hour about myself.
And I go, what do you do? She goes, oh, I know. Not really.
My dad's a comic. I go, who's your dad?

Speaker 1 She goes, Ray Romano.

Speaker 1 That's the best one.

Speaker 1 I completely made that story up. Oh, are you serious? Yeah.
I was like, I didn't know my head was. I didn't know what else because I didn't have a story.
You're good. Pretty good, though? That's good.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 That was really good.

Speaker 1 You should make up more stories. I do.

Speaker 1 That's a pretty good makeup story, right? That's a really good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Can I give you a redemption one? Give me a redemption one. This is, I haven't told anyone about this.
Yeah. This is a big one.
I would love this one. I'm going to love it.
This is intense, okay? Okay.

Speaker 1 Hold on, let me put it. I'm going to dip in.
Okay, I quit tobacco. I know you did.
I didn't know that. Sorry, I lied.

Speaker 1 So, go ahead. 20, probably 23 years ago, I had a TV show where I interviewed Gene Simmons.
From the Kiss, the lead singer. I was the biggest fucking Kiss fan in the world.

Speaker 1 As a child, The Kiss was the, I dressed up as Gene Simmons. I did my talent show as Gene Simmons.
I could sing every fucking shout it, shout it, shout it out loud.

Speaker 1 I knew every, I knew everything, right? So I go to,

Speaker 1 I do, you swallow it

Speaker 1 I need water. What a great interviewer he is.
I mean, this is like top-notch Oprah shit. Have you ever been watching real time when Bill Maher when someone's about to did you swallow it?

Speaker 1 It should be noted that I preface this with I haven't told this story to anybody.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, it went down the tube.

Speaker 1 Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 1 Shout it. Shout it out loud.
Let's go.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry. I love you.

Speaker 1 Please continue.

Speaker 1 Please continue.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 I do a show where I interview Gene Simmons, and he was less than nice to me. Like, I mean, he was almost horrific, right?

Speaker 1 And so I fucking walk away.

Speaker 1 It was called the X Show. It was the late night talk show.
I walk away. Heartbreaking.
I go, it's heartbreaking. It's destructive because you go, now I can't listen to their music.

Speaker 1 I have to fucking write off my childhood as a mistake. It really sucks.
So, cut to This Necklace is a joke festival.

Speaker 1 I'm at maybe the Tom Brady Roast, I think.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 Nick Simmons, Gene Simmons' son, comes up to me. And I know Nick is friends with Tommy and he does his podcast.
And Nick's really a cool kid. He comes up.
He's like, dude, you're fucking hilarious.

Speaker 1 I was like, thanks. I know who he is.
I was like, I love getting you on podcast. I think Nick's cool as shit.
And he was like, he was like, I'd love to introduce you to my dad. And I said, I'm good.

Speaker 1 And he went, what? I said, I'm good. I would not like to meet your dad.
And he goes, excuse me. And he goes,

Speaker 1 he goes, my dad's a fan. And I was like, buddy, I had a bad experience with your dad and I'd rather not meet him.
And I said, I'm sorry that I'm doing this, but I don't want to be around your dad.

Speaker 1 And he goes, well, my mom's with him. Hold on.
So he brings his mom over. I think this was actually at my show.
It sounds crazy. I think this was at my show at the forum.

Speaker 1 Well, will you get the fucking story straight?

Speaker 1 Is it at the waiting? Because my parents were there. My parents were there.
Well, then it's got to be the fucking new show. It had to be my show.
So

Speaker 1 his wife comes over and she comes over and she's almost giggling. She's with Nick and she goes, I heard my husband was a dick.
And I said, he was. She goes, yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's bring him over. You tell him exactly what happened.
And I went, no, no, no, no. I actually do not want to be involved in this.
Why, at this point, now it's... I'm so nervous.

Speaker 1 Because also, he was a hero of mine. Okay.
And it is Gene fucking Simmons. And you don't want to double down on the hate.
And I don't want to have this moment. I'd rather just never talk to him.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Okay.
I was like, I was like, I'm cool. I've already hated him for fucking 25 years.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Gene Simmons walks over with his son and his wife, and he sits over and he goes, I hear that I was rude to you. And I said, yes.
And he goes, please tell the story. And I went, okay.

Speaker 1 And so in front of his wife and his son and him, I tell the story. verbatim as if I was telling it to you and shitting on him on a podcast.
And he looks at me and he goes, I apologize for my behavior.

Speaker 1 I hope you'll forgive me. I think you're absolutely hilarious.
Oh, my God. And I went, you're 100% forgiven.
I said, you're the fucking best dude. Thank you for this so much.

Speaker 1 And he goes, let me pay you. And I said, what? And he goes, I'll give you $5.
And he gave me $5. He goes, are we good? And I went, yeah.
And he goes, let me sign it.

Speaker 1 And he signed the $5 bill and he gave it to me. And he was like, he was like, the coolest fucking guy in the world.
He got me back in a heartbeat. I get a fucking heartbeat.

Speaker 1 I fucking bent to the knee. I gripped my boot.
I was like, fucking shout it. Wow.

Speaker 1 Shout it out. And I looked at his his son.
I was texting with his son the other day. I was like, I go, thank you for doing that.
No, he didn't. Thank you for doing that.

Speaker 1 His son's cool as shit.

Speaker 1 What if? This isn't the first time this has happened. Let's make amends.
What if

Speaker 1 you go, all is forgiven? And he goes, and spit right in your face. What would you have done?

Speaker 1 I would have fucking laughed hysterically and been like, you got me good.

Speaker 1 God, I deserve that. I would have

Speaker 1 yeah, Gene Simmons is a fucking gangster. And I've texted with his son a bunch.
Can I pitch you an idea? Oh, okay, go.

Speaker 1 We should do a secret podcast that we tell our partners about. It'll make them mad.
And we'll just put it on Patreon. It'll make them mad.
We'll just put it on Patreon. And we'll change our names.

Speaker 1 We'll change our names. Yeah.
It'll be called Bad Bears.

Speaker 1 It's called

Speaker 1 Bad Bears. That's not Bad Bears.
Bad Bears.

Speaker 1 We should do Bad Bears.

Speaker 1 We're two friends.

Speaker 1 I mean, I've always wanted to do this as a podcast name, and it'll make him mad, but I still want Riffin without Griffin.

Speaker 1 It'll make Eric mad, but I've always wanted to do that.

Speaker 1 We should do a show called what's the Superman's name? Henry Cabill. Yeah.
Henry Cabill and the Benefleck show.

Speaker 1 And we'll just, and me and you do it on a secret on the DL. They'll never know about this.
They will. No, they'll never know.
And Andrew will be so mad. And we do not tell them.

Speaker 1 Patreon. And we charge like 50 cents.
Okay. We probably charge nothing on Patreon, but we just do it on the DL.
Can we dress differently? Yeah, and what we can do is we'll just do it over.

Speaker 1 We'll just do it over the phone. No, no, no.
We got to be.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we got to be

Speaker 1 anyway. Thank you for listening.
Thank you for being a bad friend.